Welcome All Men as Your Free Therapists and Let Them Help You Get the Man and the Love You Want

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Here’s a great comment from Jeannette that I want to jump off from:

“Thanks to all of you….however, I am still struggling with the same guy. I have cut back and for the most part let him call me, however, I am only hearing from him at odd times. Such as Sat. mornings or Sun. eve’s. We sort of cut off the relationship but we are trying to stay friends. I am lying to myself because I care VERY deeply for him. I have tried circular dating and so far have met up with duds. Then my long distance calls and there I am, stuck in the mud. Happy when he calls and miserable when I don’t have a date and wondering what he is up to. Please give me more direction and support girls and thanks. I DO listen but stubborn, but love my stubbornness too! Jeannette”

Here’s my answer:

There is no “why” to why a man does or doesn’t want us. It just is…and it can change, too…but not in the old ways we’ve been taught to attract a man.

Most important thing I can say to you, Jeannette, is this – Circular Dating is not about meeting men who are not “duds.”

Circular Dating is a “therapeutic” process where you practice all of my Tools on men in the field – not only “work on them” in a therapist’s office.

The men who show up are your free therapists.

As you work with them, and treat them with respect and listen for the messages they bring you – the men who show up will be better and better quality, and your personal Degree of Difficulty will go up and up – and THAT’S when Mr. Right shows up.

Sometimes – and this is a very interesting thing – he shows up when you feel like you’re at rock bottom – at your absolute worst.

So, you might think, how can that be? If I’m at my “worst” – not together financially, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally – how can a GOOD man want me?

And this is why:

When we’re at rock bottom – when we’re that “stripped” and “low” – we’re also often at our most vulnerable and authentic. And that’s what this is all about.

When we’re at rock bottom – we’ve stopped trying. We’ve stopped searching, stopped reaching out, stopped overfunctioning. We give up.

And a man can find you when you’re at rock bottom, if you’ve given in to it.

Most of us can’t even give up our old patterns when we’re at rock bottom. We still resist the truth, we resist our feelings, we resist hope. What we stick to is our old beliefs that we’re not worth much, and we use our circumstances as evidence of our low worth.

But our energy is so low, we can’t quite get it up to use our defenses the way we used to, or to try pretending we’re “okay” the way we used to. This makes it much easier for a man to connect with us.

It also makes it easier for a toxic man to get in there and drag us even further down.

So – Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom to chance vulnerability and openness. Do it in baby steps. That’s what Circular Dating is for – for you to take chances with men you wouldn’t ordinarily feel okay taking.

If a man’s a “dud” in your old way of looking at things – perhaps he’s absolutely PERFECT for you to practice the Tools you need to practice with.

Perhaps he’s gentle and kind, and he can actually HANDLE the emotions you’ll just start letting ooze out. Perhaps he’s an angry man and you’ll all-of-a-sudden “get” that red flag about him and walk away fast, before he has a chance to work his charm on you.

Perhaps he’s a nice guy and you feel “guilty” about “leading him on” – when what he’s really there for is for you to practice Telling the Truth!

There are so many men out there, and they each have Messages for you. Let them come. Let them get close. Practice with them. I guarantee you – if he shows up – he’s there for a reason, too.

The lesson and the Message he’s there to bring you – the lesson he showed up to deliver and that you’ll learn by interacting with him, even for a moment in passing, will certainly help him, too, with the lesson and Message YOU’RE there for.  And there’s absolutely no way you can know this in advance, so you just have to experiment and experience the interaction.

If you can look at everything that way – ask yourself “Why am I here?” – and get the Message and the lesson quickly so you can either go deeper into the Man/Messenger or move away from him – you’ll be moving forward in your life lightening fast, and I’ll be hearing your success story very, very soon.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Jennifer on March 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Hey Rori.
    What am I supposed to learn if I keep turning into a Gomer every time I talk to a man about anything other that “business”?
    To love my gomer-ness?
    Today…I was chatting with a fairly attractive custodian at the school where I am working and I found it necessary to tell him about the “gomer episode” I had with the hot dentist I took my nanny to. So not only did I gomer out with the dentist…I felt the need to tell ANOTHER MAN about my gomer ness.

    It was like I couldn’t stop myself. WTF?

  2.  #2tinque on March 9, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    It’s true. It can happen this way.
    K came back into my life within two weeks of me being available after over thirteen years of awfulness, BUT I was in a really low place, about as beaten and battered emotionally as a woman could be.
    Yet he must have seen my essence, the real me despite my state or maybe because of it. I was too drained to be anything but ME even though all there was left was a skeleton of me.
    He fell in love with me anyway and fell even deeper, as I grew and blossomed again or maybe for the first time.
    I have often wondered why he wanted to stay with me, for I went through some dark and desperate times, as I worked to release old stuff.
    But men can be pretty amazing in that way, patient, really, really patient and supportive in a quiet yet lovely way.

  3.  #3Wonder Woman on March 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Hmmmm…..this is interesting. Prior to the Rori way I think I got addicted to chasing the men who stirred up feelings in me….the toxic men…..that is to say the men who really pursued me, got me hooked and then began to back off. I have never been easy to get to and these guys would literally push me for a date for months at a time….I would get nervous and back off and they would come for me….only to back off once I took the bait….in nearly all cases they have been commitment phobics or playing the field…..I think I was the challenge.

    A few months back I got talking to a really “nice” guy…what I would call “too nice” back then…..we met on a dating site and it turned out we had gone to the same school etc. He did all the calling and texting….real calls not instant messenging or emails….honest to goodness texts and calls…..not too many….if I was busy he didn’t get all up in my face….but at the time I found him boring!! Now I know better he wasn’t boring…..I just associated my need to grasp onto the toxic men as attraction and as he made me feel so comforable and I was so not used to that and I mistakingly associated those feelings as boring…..I feel so bad now because this man was willing to drive me to a place 4 hours away to go somewhere I said I had never been or do whatever I fancied or organise the date and I didn’t know any better and over a matter of months I blew him off before I even met him face to face. He hasn’t texted me in ages….I cannot blame him….I think I humiliated him but I was nervous and his kindness felt weird to me then…..because I did not have the urge to chase him and did not have those sicky feelings about him I thought I did not like him….I don’t know if we would have had a spark or not but I know he was honest and genuine. I wonder if I should send him a text to say hi and maybe if he is still single he will give me another chance but I am scared I will be messing him around if I don’t have an attraction to him…..maybe I should just leave it!! I don’t know…… xx

  4.  #4tinque on March 9, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Jennifer – I think your gomerness is sweet, and some man WILL find it endearing. Believe me when I tell you I was never comfortable around men until the right one came along and even then it took awhile.

  5.  #5Daria on March 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    So i’ve thought about it and realized I wouldn’t feel attracted to this big guy EVEN if he were skinny!

    I intend to do more of “why am i here”

    I think I’m supposed to practice telling my truth that is that I feel unworthy to be taken out and treated nicely by a man when I’m not feeling attracted to him sexually.

    More later

  6.  #6Jennifer on March 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Tinque..thanks. I’m sure some man will find me endearing. But until then I’d like to stop being a social moron. Really, I would.
    So I’m in full agreement with Rori about the free therapy, I just want to learn from it and then move on. but I seem to do the same thing over and over.
    I had the same issue in college with a guy I absolutly idolized. He was a waiter at a local restaurant…I couldn’t even order food.
    Again..this may be why I feel the loss of B so much four months later. I never felt awkward around him.

  7.  #7Jennifer on March 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    and while I’m wishing for personality changes…I’d like to stop being such a jealous bitch.
    Dear universe:
    I want to stop being a gomer around men. I want to feel cool and sexy and in control and interesting.
    While we’re at it, please help me stop feeling jealous of EVERY WOMAN I KNOW!
    It feels bad in my stomach, tight and hot. It also feels tight in my neck and back.
    I want to feel sooooo happy for the women I know and love when they have fantastic things happen to them.
    I just need a little help.

  8.  #8tinque on March 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    And you will feel like this again Jennifer. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself. I understand how frustrating it can be.
    Next time that “feeling” feels like it’s going to overtake you, try taking a deep breath, imagine yourself talking easily and freely with whomever, plan something out in advance if possible, and go for it.
    Sometimes it will feel better, more fluid maybe, even if only for ten seconds, and maybe other times you’ll just trip over your words like a schoolgirl. It’s fine. The more you can experience those ten seconds, the easier it will become.
    And you may always feel somewhat shy and awkward around men you find attractive. That’s okay too.

  9.  #9Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Thanks Rori and you are right, I feel pretty close to rock bottom today, like I just want to quit all together. What’s the use, if I keep getting my heart smashed up. I feel like someone has stomped all over it and I am just laying there on the sidewalk like road kill or something. Anyway, I see the point in pulling up my roadkill self and just being my authentic (roadkill!) self. Why? Because NOTHING ELSE HAS WORKED!! Time to be authentic, now or never!!!

  10.  #10Rori Raye on March 9, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Way to go Jeannette! Let’s hear it for road kill! Love, Rori

  11.  #11Rori Raye on March 9, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Jennifer – how about you start appreciating all the little things about YOU?! Make us a list of how great you are…Love, Rori

  12.  #12Rori Raye on March 9, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Jennifer – I can tell you this – the worse you feel, and the less skills you have – the FASTER you move when you take baby-steps. Just DO the Tools, and things will shift. The woman who Overfunctions the most will change her life the fastest when she stops Overfunctioning even the tiniest bit. SO – look for small steps and big changes. Love, Rori

  13.  #13Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Hey guys, how long does it take to stop comparing your ex with everyone else you meet? I mean why should I have him up on a pedestal when he doesn’t care anymore that this anyway?

  14.  #14Daria on March 9, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Rori –

    I’m struggling with not feeling comfortable when I am kissing a guy – not feeling physically attracted and actually worrying in my head oh no he’s gonna wanna kiss me – who is giving to me and being a total gentleman.


  15.  #15Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Rori, should I tell my long distance ‘friend now’ to just hang it up and not call if he is just going to call me once a week on Saturday mornings?

  16.  #16Linda on March 9, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I layed on the sofa after work and asked why.

    There is no “why” to why a man does or doesn’t want us. It just is…

    I feel rock bottom.

  17.  #17Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Linda, I hear you kiddo, this last guy, he sure seemed different…knew him 2 1/2 years, then…..poof, he decides he is ready to move on…..so tired of it

  18.  #18Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Well guys, I get a call tonight from someone who said he was going to call me last week to ask me out for the week-end but did not and said he was sorry for not getting back with me. Anyway, I think a guy should get back with you EVEN if he is too busy to still take you out, right? Even if you only have been out with him once before. Now he wants to know if I will go out with him this week-end.

  19.  #19Lucy on March 9, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Jennifer — Your prayer (no. 7) made me cry and feel in my heart that you are tremendously lovable, so real and vulnerable, and a man WILL come along and SEE that and FEEL it. I feel like he may even laugh at first at how cute and silly you are and then he will love you to pieces!


  20.  #20Linda on March 9, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Jeannette…. THe man the I just had to walk away from I met circular dating about this time last year. Every man that I dated, got compared to him. I dont know why. He did not treat me that well from the consistently from the beginning. After this year and the last 3 months with him..all the stuff he did and did not do….promises made and broken…lies, betrayal…. I got a really good dose of what I dont want in my life. This is when I stop comparing him to the others that will be after him. I can at least be thankful for that. I feel released. Time to be really good to me and my heart.

    Even though I feel rock bottom right now I guess the only way to go is up.


  21.  #21Lucy on March 9, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Rori – This post, oh my gosh, was such perfect timing that it made my heart race and made me hold my breath because I knew it was a clear roadmap for me RIGHT NOW.

    I am feeling pretty “low” right now, and have very low energy for some reason, so that part was especially timely! I feel so encouraged to hear that Mr. Right could come along even now, when I have such little spunk. It does feel counterintuitive to me, though, and definitely different from what I have always been taught (“Be happy, Lucy, guys like girls who are happy.” Yes, they do, of course they do . . . So, how do I reconcile that reality with the one that says a guy can find you and love you when you’re at rock bottom???)

    I also don’t know how to handle the logistics of dating when I feel such low energy and blah-ness. I feel like withdrawing at times like this. I feel like I would be a horrible date at times like this. Do I just go anyway? What do I say in “getting to know you emails” at times like this? There are several guys who I have left hanging right now — did not respond to emails — because I feel so blah. Guys that want to meet me next weekend, they want to drive from out of state even! — Do I agree to meet them even though I feel like I would be a bad date cuz I’m feeling blah, or do I tell them I want to hold off on meeting them?

    I am also still having trouble finding a way to reconcile in my mind using them as free therapy while we are calling it a date. It feels like I am being dishonest to call it a date when I am not really viewing it as a date. It feels dishonest to USE a man for free therapy (especially when I already can tell he is not the One for me) when the men are not wanting to be USED — they think they are going on a date with someone who is interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship with them; they don’t know they are being used for therapy instead.

    I know I and others have expressed this before, and I feel bad that I am saying it again, but it is just something I still don’t quite get and I’m not sure why.

  22.  #22Siena on March 9, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    I love the imagery of rock bottom. I feel like I’m there – or rather, I feel like I’m in the space between. My old ways are behind me, and I’ve yet to see any fruit from my new ways. If I were a poet, I would say something about being in the space right before dawn breaks. It’s a wonderful (scary, quiet, lonely, awesome) place to be!

    Something strangely wonderful has been happening to me in the past month or so, ever since I made the commitment to figure out and change what I was doing wrong with men and (not by accident) found Rori. Has anyone else had this experience?

    One-by-one, the ‘old’ men have come out of the woodwork and I’ve been given the opportunity to finish the relationships and close those doors and end the relationships for real. It’s a little spooky!

    Strangest of all – the man who started this all for me years and years ago came back in a way. Years ago I approached him after 5 years of back and forth and said that I couldn’t go on like we were anymore. He agreed, and said, “let’s go away for a couple of weeks and then come back with what we think we should do”. And… he never came back. Never called, emailed, returned my attempts to contact him… just vanished.

    After a long time I got over it, and figured that door was closed and that I didn’t need closure. And I never sought it.

    But this past week, out of the blue – his dad called me and asked me to lunch! I went out of curiosity more than anything. His dad wanted me to do some work for him, and I had the chance to say no – and walk away having the last word and *finally* communicating my boundaries. That door is now officially closed, and the closure that I never sought was offered to me. Wow!

    I hope this means that I am ready for the next chapter in my life, it sure would feel great!

    Anyone else have experience with this type of thing?


  23.  #23Jennifer on March 9, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    a list of things that are great about me?
    I’m really really good at my job. Like really. If another nurse messess something up..my boss sends me to fix it.
    I’m very reliable.
    I’m the “go to girl” for problem solving for the majority of my friends and family. I can reason out most stuff.
    I have a hotel and restaurant management diploma as well as a nursing diploma…..so I can cook anything. Bread, pasta, sauces, soups, stocks. Cake, pie, creme brule, sacher torte..the list goes on.
    Animals always like me. Even the really nasty ones. Even the wild ones.
    Babies always like me. Even the cranky ones.
    I once brought down rain from the clear blue sky. no kidding.
    um….that’s all I can think of for now.
    Is this rock bottom?\
    My sister’s BFF got engaged this week. She’s the same age as my sister.
    So I cried all the way home.
    I feel alone…very very alone.

  24.  #24Daria on March 9, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Animals always like me. Even the really nasty ones. Even the wild ones.
    Babies always like me. Even the cranky ones.
    I once brought down rain from the clear blue sky. no kidding.

    OMG! I feel fascinated and jealous!!! I WANT THIS FOR MYSELF. I WILL HAVE THIS. THANK YOU!!!

  25.  #25Daria on March 9, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    I’m feeling freakin down an drained… Gonna go to Toastmasters now

  26.  #26Lucy on March 9, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Jennifer! I agree with Daria! If it were me, I would put that in my dating profile, just like you wrote it here!

  27.  #27Erika Awakening on March 9, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    I felt really sad today, and this post just feels good to read.

    I was musing over Rori’s post about “heal yourself and then he’ll show up.”

    And the thought was, what the fuck are you waiting for, God? You put me through my paces. I healed.

    Where the fuck is he?

    I feel angry and betrayed by God.

    But mostly sad.

    And still frustrated with what I perceive as this ridiculous social standard that “experts” are not allowed to have any vulnerability.

    I call bullshit on that.

  28.  #28Jennifer on March 9, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    I put it on my dating profile. Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll see how what happens.

  29.  #29Jeannette on March 9, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Guys, my 2 1/2year long distance ended because he said he could not take the distance. We got along great but the distance has always been an issue! So I suggested we try and see each other more. Well he said, “Its just so hard.” I said we could close the gap and I could move to Tennessee (I am 600 miles from him). But he hasn’t said a word about it and is only calling once a week to check in. What is his deal? Did he just lose interest or what? I wonder if another woman has grabbed his attention. I guess he just did not feel I was ‘the one.’ And after 2 1/2 years!! He calls me on Sat mornings is all now. Should I tell him I can’t do this just friendship thing. I am lost. Please advice me here. I don’t want to come across as cold but I am hurt. He maybe even went back to his ex wife who lives down there. I think I deserve more of an explanation don’t you. I talked with him everyday on the phone. I was here for him and his ex wife ran out on him. I was loyal, even being 600 miles away!!! Don’t I deserve something here??!!

  30.  #30Lucy on March 9, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Yay Jennifer! I feel excited! Keep us posted. I feel teary again for you!


  31.  #31Lucy on March 9, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Erika – I feel sad that you feel sad, even though I know it’s okay for you to feel sad.

    I identify with your feelings and frustration with God. That’s how I feel about my daughter, who is 22, has cystic fibrosis, and has never had a boyfriend. She is sweet and smart and wonderful, but has a lot of emotional pain because of her medical condition and her dad abandoning her and her brothers when she was 13. She wants more than anything to be married and, if she’s well enough, have a child. As much as I want love and marriage for myself, I want it just as much — maybe more — for her, and it makes me mad that God doesn’t give that to her. She tries so hard to heal emotionally and put herself out there and shine. I am sobbing now. I don’t usually use this word, but I’m going to echo you, Erika, and say,

    “What the fuck are you waiting for, God?”

    Thank you, Erika, for helping me feel my feelings. I feel so grateful that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable here tonight, even as an “expert” — ESPECIALLY as an expert. True leaders lead by example, right?

    For eight years, I was best friends (and prayer partner) with the female pastor of my former church. She was open and vulnerable with me, but always felt she had to hide all of the real her from the rest of the church. She always said, “They need me to be strong.” I always told her, “They need you to be REAL.”

    Of course, she didn’t need to share EVERYTHING personal with the whole church, but she had two completely different selves — the public self became increasingly fake and inauthentic, to the point where I could no longer attend the church in good conscience, knowing that she was doing such a disservice to the church and to herself.

    So, I wholeheartedly support your calling bullshit on that standard!!!

  32.  #32Rori Raye on March 9, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Erika – I think your man IS here. Love, Rori

  33.  #33Lori on March 9, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    OMG Jennifer! What you wrote would be the best dating profile EVER! I LOVED it! I want to be just like you!

  34.  #34Rori Raye on March 9, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Jennifer, I hear poetry when you write. If you can bring down rain from a clear blue sky….well…this is a piece of cake for you….maybe it just looks like rock bottom. Think up some more things – small, tiny things, itty bitty things that are great about you. Really look around yourself, inside and out. In fact – let’s ALL do this! (I could use it too!) We love you, Rori

  35.  #35Tina on March 9, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I”m trying to find my feelings yooohooooo! this girl came to my house, she really liked my boots, and wanted to wear the boots for a night out. She was wearing sneakers. Anyway I hesitated, I told her well its snowing and wet, the boots are more like winter slippers. She said that she would be careful and take care not to get the boots wet. I finally said ok , I didnt feel good about her wearing my boots.

    anyway, the boots came back all soggy wet! grrrrrrr. She’s quite ballsy. anyway I find out later that she STOLE a makeup case of mine grrrrrrrrrrr. I felt a “soft spot” for her because of her issues. So two things first is why did I hesitate and what is my feeling, that feeling like my boundry is being crossed? is that what it is? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anyway, I feel pissed that she got the boots wet or more because she knew the boots meant a lot to me or whatever grrrrrrrr. She is young 19 i think, anyway Ive since heard she got beaten up by other girls her age. I feel so angry that she didnt take care of my boots and she stole a makeup case! I was almost or yes I was feeling grrrrrrrrrr, there you little stinker! thats what you get, I dont feel bad for her anymore.

    And this is another story, An ex friend was just totally outed publicly for something really messed up, she’s in a position to help those in need but anyway, I said good for you hhehehee, Like am I sick or what? I feel satisfied at their misfortunes!

  36.  #36Tina on March 9, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    I feel glee weeeeeee, giddy laughy, god am I sick or what? will someone please judge me lol

  37.  #37Tina on March 9, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    I couldnt seem to stick with my original feelings/intuition NO grrrr. I had my doubts but said ok.

    I feel like doing a happy dance at their disasters. The ex friend slept with my ex. It would be like me going to Rori for advice then she turns around and sleeps with my ex, not that she would, he’s a loser but yeah… lol

  38.  #38Tina on March 9, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    No offense to Rori, just that my ex friend was in a position of help at the time.

  39.  #39Tina on March 9, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Ok, I’m over it. was I harboring grudges until something “bad” happened to them? yeah probibly. I beat myself up? beating myself up is no fun.

  40.  #40Georgia on March 9, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    I love this Rori. Thanks – The woman who Overfunctions the most will change her life the fastest when she stops Overfunctioning even the tiniest bit. SO – look for small steps and big changes. Love, Rori

    An abusive husband brought me to guy A, his message is I am wonderful woman but don’t overfunctions. I did stop overfunctions but not really understood until I found Rori.

    This guy’s message is to deliver to my husband that I deserve more and he’s not the only one. and the courage to tell the truth that I never loved him.

    My husband’s message now is I deserve to be treated like queen. any one offer less I don’t take.

    The latest guy I met, he makes me feel I can see clearly myself. I am growing, blooming and shining.

  41.  #41Tina on March 9, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    What do you mean Rori when you tell Erika her man is here?

  42.  #42Tina on March 9, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    “Truckmans” message is I can have anything I want 🙂

  43.  #43Tina on March 9, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    maybe it’s I dont have to “want” I dont have to “need” I just have to be 🙂 have fun, enjoy life, laugh, sing, say what I have to say, argue, breathe, I dunno what the message is really 🙂

  44.  #44Tina on March 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Hang on and enjoy the ride of my life?

  45.  #45Tina on March 9, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Georgia, wooohooooo!

  46.  #46Georgia on March 9, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Tina XX 😀 I feel so happy. when I re-read my post, I feel spreading my wings. and so colorful. I feel scared 😀

    Tina You can have anything You want 🙂

  47.  #47dorothea on March 9, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    Lucy, you said:
    “I am also still having trouble finding a way to reconcile in my mind using them as free therapy while we are calling it a date. It feels like I am being dishonest to call it a date when I am not really viewing it as a date. It feels dishonest to USE a man for free therapy (especially when I already can tell he is not the One for me) when the men are not wanting to be USED — they think they are going on a date with someone who is interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship with them; they don’t know they are being used for therapy instead.”

    Here is how I like to look at it: 1st. It’s not using, I have chucked the low self esteem part of me that believes I am “wasting” their time on a couple of dates. My feminine and authentic presence is a great reward. I am a gift to them in that moment simply by being feminine self. 2. If it’s the first couple of dates, I am open to what this man would like to show me so that I actually CAN assess any inkling of romantic interest. I am not a man but I am guessing that he would rather you give him a chance instead of writing him off from the second he asks you out because you think you might write him off in the end anyway.

    I imagine dates as a man showing me what he’s got because he wants me. I am open to this without being obligated to indicate whether I want him back right away. It is the all about Dorothea show on a date. He is asking to take me out. And this “me” he is asking to take out is just me AS I AM, even if as I am is not feeling attracted to him.

    It’s only using if you’re not feeling worthy of being yourself and feeling worthy of *that* being enough to completely undermine this concept of “using” a man.

    The date is the man showing me what he’s got, and me feeling my way through it. Sometimes I speak these feelings. I never make up something to explain or cover a negative feeling so that I don’t have to be honest (unless I feel like my safety is seriously threatened and lying seems like a smart idea). It’s the least I can do because I’m really not trying use men. If at the end of the date I am still feeling really turned off and I tell him something bogus to get out of dating him again, then I HAVE used him. But if I speak my truth to him and tell him I felt not attracted right away but i felt open to see what he’s about a little bit, and now i am thinking i don’t want to go out with him again, or whatever the heck my true feelings could be, then I haven’t used him for a second. Saying thank you or that i feel appreciative of something nice he did to court me isn’t a bad idea at all if i do feel special from something he did/paid for. Then I imagine the time I spent with him as a gift of authenticity and femininity to him. I don’t worry that he didn’t get the relationship or next date he may have wanted with me.

    Note – if i feel really really freaking triggered or unsafe, I just don’t go out with him. Maybe I just don’t go out with him for that particular date, or maybe I never go out with him. I am all for free therapy but if I am truly dreading something, whether it’s “wrong”of me or not, I don’t usually force myself to do it. Of course!

  48.  #48Erika Awakening on March 9, 2010 at 11:12 pm


    I feel really touched by your words. Thank you 🙂

  49.  #49Tina on March 9, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Georgia 🙂

  50.  #50heartbeat on March 10, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Subscribing for now

    Wow I love the lists! I’ll do that too later xx

  51.  #51Jennifer on March 10, 2010 at 3:41 am

    Thanks for the encouragement guys.
    Rori. Bringing down rain from a clear blue sky is a song lyric I’m sad to say. It’s not mine, I just like the way it sounded.
    The incident really happened though. I was 19, with a friend at her cottage. We went for a row boat ride and it was HOT!!!! Not a cloud in the sky.
    I was feeling very giddy and grounded. I get like that when I get to spend time in the woods.
    I bet her I could make it rain. She said no way.
    So I did a “rain dance” I stood in the boat, stared to sway in a way that felt really in synch with something and BOOM
    Sunshower. We got soaked.
    True story.

  52.  #52Jeannette on March 10, 2010 at 4:01 am

    Rori, I just ordered your Modern Siren CD and am looking forward to getting it. I was laying in bed last night feeling so ashamed because I totally let my long distance 2 1/2 year relationships call all the shots. I only got to go down to his place once while seeing him! He came up to see me during the holidays and about once every 2-3 months. So now he has backed off and I am just plain devastated. I want to meet him somewhere between here and where he lives to talk about it. I just want to say it right. I want to say all the feeling messages I have been meaning to say. Any suggestions? I know he lost interest because I wasn’t more authentic with my feelings. But, I blame myself for EVERYTHING. Yet, I shouldn’t. I think he was still emotionally wrapped up in his ex-wife. Someone who went out on him, even BEFORE they were married. But, I guess he would rather have that then someone loyal like me. Maybe Modern Siren will point me in the right direction. Thanks.

  53.  #53Judie on March 10, 2010 at 5:44 am

    I recently met a man, after beginning Circuit Dating. Rori has given me the courage to follow up on my dating site contacts. I’m 66, look 48 and tell people I’m 59.
    I have attracted what I am, knowledgeable and brilliant, depressed, lonely and low.
    After one long date this man seems by the things he says to be ready to fall in love, the instant relationship guy. He needs me.(trap!)
    I am to him as a lifeline to a drowning person. And were he more ‘my type’ we’d share that in common and once again a dysfunctional relationship will have begun. He’s older than most men I date, frumpy and wears a small hearing aid, all things which are a turn-off for me.
    I have begun Circuit Dating and will continue but I’m going to cause this man pain and he’s already seriously depressed.
    I want to see him again because right now he’s my only local date, he stimulates feel Divine Diva thoughts and feelings in me as he sees me as beautiful and no man has seen me as beautiful for a long time. I love the genuine compliments he gives. I have amazing fun talking with him as he is highly educated and a grief counselor( we share that in common) and unfortunately I have a bit of addiction to the dysfunctional way he needs me.
    What kind of place can I put myself emotionally and mentally, other than circuit dating where I am not dating him in order to not hurt him, or where I don’t fall into ‘fake love’ with him which would really be a co-dependent, ‘he needs me therefore won’t abandon me’ trap?
    How do I avoid causing this man, who already has very low self worth, more pain yet still see him?
    Also, he has several doctorate degrees, one in counseling, yet as is common he can’t bring healing to himself. I have the training, ability and skills to help him with his healing process but it’s not healthy to be therapist to someone I’m dating, it’s that same old ‘I’ll fix him and he’ll love me forever trap ‘ but he wants my help with his healing process and currently I’m the only resource he has for movement toward healing.
    How do I date him, respond to his need as I would any friend or family member and not get sucked into a co-dependent relationship yet again?

  54.  #54Rachel on March 10, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Dear Universe,

    I would like to place an order for a man who is crazy about me and who I am crazy about too. For some reason I can’t seem to get those two together. Could you please help?


  55.  #55dorothea on March 10, 2010 at 8:20 am

    I just took my current lover off my facebook because I can’t handle seeing his former lovers on his friends list. Actually his profile says single and if he wants to catch me I sure as hell am not going to hang around a guy whose profile says single and is still holding on to his exes in some way or another, especially when he swears he has negative feelings towards his experiences with them. This is the Dorothea show. Sorry Charlie.

    I mean, I really like him and want him but that feels YUCKY gross gross gross. <3 myself.

  56.  #56mary on March 10, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Hello sirens.

    I missed all of you! And I felt inspired to take pictures for many of you on my trips, but alas! ahoy! aha! no way to give them to you! So please know you were missed.

    Robin, I did go to Dallas, but I didn’t ever make it to church. I would love to have heard you sing! But I’ll be back soon. My daughter is pregnant and has a baby and she MOVED while I was there, and had not even packed before I arrived. So we worked from sunrise until sundown, and then my Mother wanted my attention and there were the Olympics at night… oh! did you see the Canadian iceskater win the bronze?

    Oh! Canada…

    My MEN scenario:

    You know what? I kinda wanted to apologize to B the way I was so into ME when we were dating. (I know this is what we’re being taught, but in retrospect, maybe I got a little carried away?) He really was a lovely person. But he wouldn’t return my emails. So no way to do it… : ( with him…

    And R and I are broken up for good. It feels okay to know that the relationship is going nowhere, and acknowledge it, and decide to let it go, but it doesn’t feel good because R keeps telling me he was depressed when he was with me, and I never cooked for him, and we weren’t a match, and we didn’t have a flow, and we didn’t work together…

    and those things, when mentioned, felt like arrows piercing my heart. I told him we couldn’t be friends. (Last night.) And actually, it was a heated conversation…

    And thankfully, J is coming my way. (My old love.) He ISN’T coming in March (and therefore will not see the brilliant display of cherry blossoms here!), but he is working on when he can come. His divorce is not going as swiftly as he would like (do they ever?) and we decided to wait until papers are signed and goodbyes are said by all. He continues to express interest in little ways, so i feel good about that.

    I did go on all those coffee dates in a row! And I wore my hot pink LuLuLemon jacket! Ha! to the same coffee shop, and met 8 guys in 4 days. The people who worked there probably wondered about me! I don’t know… but it went well. I got second offers for dates from everyone, flowers from two, dinners from three (spontaneous, same-day dinners) and generally had a good time.

    So that’s that!

    I’m still reading and catching up…

    Just saying hello.

  57.  #57Linda on March 10, 2010 at 9:51 am

    You know what? I feel weird about facebook. I feel it is an invasion of privacy. Pictures posted by others with me in them. I dont like it. I deactivated my account but that is just me.

    I feel angry and mean inside and out!… I am tired of things just hitting the wall in my love life. I dont know how I could have been more authentic, forthcoming, honest, feeling…. I just dont know. I guess I could have been less attentive but that is not genuine for me either. I am SO tired of men and their baggage and fears and insecurties.


    I know from here on out. I have ZERO tolerance for any man that professes anything to me and does not tell the truth. I have a very sensitive Bull Shit meter NOW…. ohhhh I have NO tolerance at all. If you tell me something do it. It matters. I am loyal and demand that in return. If you cant honor that… THEN DEAL BREAKER. Why do men think they can do this stuff and it is OK. Maybe it is because there are so many women out there that have low self esteem and will put up with anything. Plus DO MEN HAVE a concsious anymore? Not the ones I have been around…. in a long time any way.

    I am VENTING. I am SICK SICK SICK of this stuff.

  58.  #58Pam on March 10, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Linda – AMEN Sista!!!

  59.  #59Orna Walters on March 10, 2010 at 10:07 am


    I had a similar “conversation” with God in the Spring of 2007 and my perfect-for-me Now Husband showed up three short months later.

  60.  #60Daria on March 10, 2010 at 10:10 am

    My dad just sarcastically told me to keep what im doing and decided to “ask the question” of whether ive done some stuf for my business that he wants to help me on. he i guess doesnt go by intuition nor is he very good at compassionate encouragement as far as ive noticed in the past.

    i look forward to that changing even tho im shaking with resistance

    so last nite i went to the bar and saw a guy from 2 weeks ago. he hung around me all nite haha

    he is cute

    turns out i met him 6 MONTHS ago and i remembered him! i thought he was really cute and i felt bad not to have heard from him, though the didnt have my number so i thought about him awhile


    now its him


    pretty cool stuff

    apparently i can dance minimally and my hips tap into femininity and attract the eyes of the men in the room

    but you might not even tell im movign, but THEY can tell lol

    love it

    i was told im the most sexual woman and not in a nasty way – yes i am


    feels nice

    Bob Marley was a player early in life
    they interview him do you have a queen he says i have more than one they said do you feel youre entitled to more than one queen he said i feel entitled to all my queens

    of course he does


    queenship rocks

    a queen can share a king’s kingdom as queen, but he doesnt become king of hers which is pretty cool

    that is any woman can become his queen
    but a ready made queen shes ruling her own kingodm and can be queen of his


    so bob’s queens can require exclusivity if they want that

    then bob would step up cuz he would want that one

  61.  #61Orna Walters on March 10, 2010 at 10:11 am


    Its really about continuing to PRACTICE. I know that its all over this board, and its all over the board because its TRUE! 🙂

    My conversation went something like this:


    I’ve done all the work on me that I can think of doing. I’m fresh out of ideas and my guy is not here… so if there is something else for me to do please light up a neon sign, or land it in my lap because I am seriously out of ideas.


    So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me. 🙂

    Its all perfect, or as I like to say “Perfectly Imperfect.”

    Big Hug,

  62.  #62Orna Walters on March 10, 2010 at 10:14 am


    I’m happy that you vented. It is soooo necessary to do!

    I hear you. You have every right to feel EVERYTHING you are feeling, now and forever! 🙂

    Big Hug,

  63.  #63Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Dorothea – Thanks for responding to my comments. My issue with using guys for free therapy isn’t about my self-esteem. It’s about the feeling of being dishonest if I KNOW they are not the One before I even go out with them. The guy thinks I am going out with him because there is at least a chance that we will have a relationship — if I am REALLY going out with him just because I want free therapy, then that feels deceptive. Sure, he gets to have a great time in my wonderful presence — but it is under false pretences, and I don’t feel good about that.

    About facebook — I understand your feelings and I might feel the same way under those conditions. However, I just wanted to say that with my own fb page I have tons of friends who I am not on good terms with — including two of my siblings, and guys I have dated. My philosophy about this is that I have a lot to offer and a lot of that comes through my fb page — things I write, being a good example, etc — and an authentic, loving fb page is one of the things I give the world — including those ppl who I don’t get along with or whatever. Kind of like, “The rain falls on the just and the unjust” 🙂 So, maybe your guy has a fb philosophy similar to mine in some way shape or form — and it’s not to be taken personally. Maybe. Maybe not. Just wanted to throw out a different perspective.


  64.  #64Rori Raye on March 10, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Jeannette, Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. We deserve the best of everything – but if we keep ourselves stuck and loyal in something that is not working or going anywhere (phone contact doesn’t count) – then it’s us who are blocking what we deserve. Whatever he’s doing – he is making no move to get to you – and that’s your clue to get a life and a new man. This is what happens to all of us when we get exclusive with a man without a ring and a wedding date, and long distance just makes it even more required to Circular Date – seriously, not just going through the motions. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Rachel — Yes, that is how I feel too!
    Orna — Ah, it would be wonderful to have that prayer answered in just three months!!!

  66.  #66Linda on March 10, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Orna, Rachel, …. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have ongoing conversation with God about this. He made me, knows who I am what my need and desires are. He knit me together…. There is nothing hidden from him or outside his power or control.

    The last guy I was with would say… what is the problem? Why wont God give me what I want? (he would say that right in front of me… like I was a piece of garbage) !!! SO HURTFUL. He would say you are exactly what I need, but I DONT WANT YOU.

    I dont know what to think. I just feel lost about it all.


  67.  #67Rori Raye on March 10, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Judie, Welcome, and this is a powerful comment. Because this man has many good qualities and you enjoy his company – he’s perfect for you to practice on – and your presence will be good for HIM, too – so don’t worry about that. The thing is – there’s always something wrong with a man. Our problem is our need to heal him. If you can learn to tell the truth to him – by really sharing what’s going on with you and how you feel – and not worry about hurting him, but only about RESPECTING him by telling him the truth continually – not in a mental way, but in a feeling way…this will be great – even if it’s only one more date. I’m going to jump off of this further…Love, Rori

  68.  #68Orna Walters on March 10, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Just to clarify… I had spent YEARS working on me. Transforming my self-esteem, getting comfortable in my own skin.

    It just so happened that when I had that conversation with God, (I remember it as clear as yesterday), when I was truly out of ideas of what ELSE to do… I was in the Home Stretch.

    I wanted to share it, because you never know – your guy could be working his tushy off to get to YOU – right NOW!! He’s making himself ready, just as you are.

    It made me feel so good to know that. My man had been doing work on himself, he’d been practicing, he was wanting ME to show up in his world. 🙂

    My desire is to give each of you some FUEL to continue. Keep working on You. Treat yourself as you wish to be treated. Don’t settle! You can have everything you desire in a relationship and MORE!

    I know it is not only possible, but probable – it is LIKELY to happen for YOU.

    Big Hug,

  69.  #69Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Thanks, Orna, this is great stuff. 🙂 Your “home stretch” comment reminded me of something I felt God saying to me a few weeks ago. I was working through some almost overwhelming stuff, not sleeping AT ALL, feeling frustrated because “working on me” seemed like a never-ending story (which it is, but come on!!!), and suddenly I felt this spoken to me:

    “You’re almost done. All that’s left is one epic battle, then you’re done.”

    Wow. Of course we are never “done,” but I knew that it meant I would be ready for a breather of some sort, and that I would have broken through something big.

    And I was surprised at how “epic” the battle actually turned out to be — pieces of my past came to the forefront that I didn’t even know were related to my present life . . . so much has come together, but it has been really HARD to go through, feel through. But also amazing.

    It feels like the epic battle is winding down, so we’ll see…. 🙂

  70.  #70Siena on March 10, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Oh wow, Orna, this reduced me to tears: “So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me.”

    *THIS* is the ‘space between’ that I commented about earlier in this post.

    Oh man, I hope it’s true for me too!!

    Thank you for being here!!!!


  71.  #71Rachel on March 10, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Thank you Orna… so encouraging. And I’m just going to put duct tape of the mouth of the little cartoon snake that is saying it won’t work that way for me. MMHMMMHMMMMM…!

  72.  #72Linda on March 10, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    I read what Judith wrote. I dont want to be caught up in a relationship like that. I think that there are elements of what she is describing that were between S and I. Maybe it explains why he pushed me away so many times but within a 5 to 6 week period he would be contacting me again. Something in both of us is connected but not necessarily all healthy.

    I am glad I am away. I am glad that I not connected or having any dialouge. I am glad that I did not answer his call when he tried to contact me. I have been a sucker for his charms before. Having access to his email (when he left it signed on on my computer) was a gift. I could see the deeper real him. Not the one he showed me.

    Good things sometimes are so painful. Coming thru them has the potential to make us stronger if we let then. I hate PAIN. I hate it.

    A long time ago when I was praying one morning last year… I was talking to God about S. He spoke to me clear as a bell and said. He is not the best for you but you can have him if you want….. hmmmmm

    I feel weird about that. I feel parts of me wants him to this day. I dont like admitting it. What is wrong with the picture. I knew that he needed me in his life, he acknowledged it over and over. There is truth to the statement but is it not healthy or the best for me.

    This whole things worries me.


  73.  #73Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Linda, why do you feel worried?

  74.  #74Judie on March 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you Rori, that’s very helpful. I think as long as I use feeling words and come from my own place I’ll be free of the ‘mothering mode’ we codependents get in to.
    Linda, I can relate so much to what you’re saying. I have found learning about The Shadow self is helpful WHEN I REMEMBER IT. That unconscious suppressed part of ourselves which we seek out in the other. A google search will bring up some good websites on the Shadow and how the Shadow tries to dictate the mate we choose.
    I’m at least glad my Shadow self found someone nurturing rather than emotionally unavailable, that was my Modus operandi before!

  75.  #75Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    From a PUA site: ‘Based on our 2010 study of over 1,000 women…

    47% of all women like compliments – the rest hate them.

    59% of all women sleep around – the rest do not.

    44% of all women want a romantic relationship – while the rest are modern “self-providers.”’

    I feel weird about this.

  76.  #76Linda on March 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Lucy I have done so much work on me. Feeling like I was in a good place for a relationship with the right man. Feeling like I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

    I feel worried because I dont want to have a whole other thing to keep me from having a great relationship. I dont feel codependant, I have been a loaner most my life. Enjoyed my own company, did lots of things alone. SOmehow I felt co-dependant on S. He was emotionally unavailable. He would come close then back off. The cycle was as I said predictable. I would take him back in because he would come closer, appoligizing things would be good and then he would go again. Pursueing others etc. What a miserable cycle. Not what I wanted. I knew he was drawn to me for LOTS of reasons. I am the one woman he has met that he cant dismiss. He admitted it, he admitted he was afraid, emotionally unconnected etc. THere is a part of me that loves to be needed. But I want to be wanted too. HE did not do that a for long if ever.

    I dont want to fall into that again. There is something in me.. that is calm and nurturing and motherly that I dont want to be detrimental to my relationship. I think I have worked on that functioning in my life primarliy but it is there.

    Authenticity is a goal of mine. Complete integration of all of me. A healthy full version of me is what I want to offer and have desired.

    I will look up the shadow self subject that Judie mentioned. Thanks Judie. This may be a missing piece that I need to understand so I dont sabatoge the relationship I want.


  77.  #77Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    From Erika’s blog:

    “And here’s a confession for you: I still love him. Hehe, that feels good to say out loud. Rather than trying to talk myself out of loving him, I am moving (as usual) in the opposite direction of conventional wisdom. Over the past few days, I decided to surrender to my love for him instead. As I did that, my joy and love for life returned. I can love him and also live my life, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.”

    I love this. This is what I was trying to say before, about TN man, and lots of people here didn’t like it.

  78.  #78Daria on March 10, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    What Erika says there sounds like Rori’s tool of having him on our horse.

    I got a different vibe about what you described with TN man thing to be honest.

  79.  #79Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Yes, I felt misunderstood when I was expressing my feeling of how you can still love a man — and surrender to that love — without it being a leaning forward, outgoing-energy thing. When I read what Erika wrote, it resonated with exactly the point I was trying to make, the place where I had gotten to with TN man. There is a joy that comes from doing that, just like Erika says here.


  80.  #80Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    I haven’t read Rori’s horse tool directly, but from what I’ve read about it on the blog, to ME it sounds a bit different from what Erika is expressing. I could be wrong, of course, but it doesn’t have the same meaning to me.

    I guess, for me, the difference is that what I am talking about, and what it seems Erika is saying, is NOT A TOOL. It is LOVE. Nothing to do with a tool.

  81.  #81Lucy on March 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I feel completely and utterly tired of dating.

    I feel bored with men.

    I feel overwhelmed with emails from guys I am not interested in on the dating site.

    I feel sad and frustrated about my excess weight.

    I feel tired.

  82.  #82Daria on March 10, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Hmm I feel defensive.

  83.  #83Daria on March 10, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    the man from last nite wants to take me to the academy of art
    thats cute! i feel so excietd to have the same guy i felt so sexy with last time show up 6 months later.. i had let him go as gone forever! wow!

    the other guy that was hating on him after feels like a drag… he caleld me and the conversation left me feeling tense

    no no

    i might experiement with even more agressively saying – this is not feeling good to me… i feel kina tense talking to you… im going to get off the phone now

    even though he wasnt attacking me or antyhing, but i didnt really feel his energy in a way that feels good

    yeah so blah on that

    yay on 1

    and yay on me and my dancing

    if luv so nice tell me y it hurt soo bad
    if luuvso nice tell me y it hurrt so bad

    that was the song tahts stuck in my head but i do NOT feel sad

    i feel a sigh of relief

    i feel good

  84.  #84Daria on March 10, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    im feeling overwhelmed by all my hormones and sex desires hehe

    i feel easily on edge

  85.  #85Jennifer on March 10, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I have a chat buddy. J.
    Since I left B he’s been all over me to come out and have coffee with him. I have been hesitating cause in the past he had admitted to me that he would like us to be intimate with me as he and his wife are polyamourous.
    I have advised him that this is not a possibility for he and I since I don’t feel comfortable being involved in situations like that. I have said that I have no issues being friends.
    I still feel awkward with the amount of pressure I feel to meet for coffee…I have lots of guy friends I talk to but none make me feel uncomfortable.

    He is well aware that I will not be involved with him romatically and in fact gave me hell cause I told him I felt guilty that he was attracted to me and I didn’t return the feelings.
    So that’s interesting.

  86.  #86Kelly on March 10, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    It’s been close to a year since I’ve posted here but I’m back… and I must admit that it feels great 🙂 Reading your thoughts and feelings along with the “goods and bads” feels like I’m not so alone, feels like home and comfy, and understood….

    I think it was Lucy who said she was tired of dating and bored of men and that’s exactly how I was feeling for most of last year (2009) so I was casually dating guys here and there…practicing on them and being curious about them but nothing serious with anyone. It’s funny but late last summer I made the conscious decision to just “do the opposite…” By that I mean that whenever I was confronted by, someone or something, an opportunity for example, I always chose to do the opposite of what I would normally do. For example, I met a guy one night on an internet dating site and after emailing back and forth a few times he asked me for my number, so I just went ahead and sent it to him… not what I would usually do. Then he called me and after speaking for about 20 minutes he said, “Let’s meet for a drink”. I would normally NEVER agree to this but #1 he was cute, and #2 we had a great phone connection and #3 I was doing the opposite so I said, “okay” 🙂 And guess what? It turned out great! He was gorgeous and we had a great conversation and he kissed me goodnight (super kisser by the way and I NEVER kiss guys I just meet!) and asked me to the movies the very next night… I said YES! That’s just one example of “doing the opposite” but this decision was really working for me and doing wonders in my life. Things ultimately didn’t work out with this guy, which was okay, but I met someone else a month or so later… he attracted me with his online profile which presented him as a very intelligent, spiritual, quirky, sensitive and funny man so I sent him an email. He sent one back and we met for dinner later that week. I was immediately disappointed that he was much different looking than his picture had portrayed him (older, heavier, different…) but I pushed that aside and just got curious about him. Over the course of the next two months we became very close friends… and guess what? This new friend of mine who I almost tossed aside because of his appearance coupled with my lack of physical attraction, was the connector to the love of my life! I met S through my friend B the weekend before Thanksgiving just a few short months ago and I wasn’t even looking… this man S, this love of my life, is the soulmate-twin flame I’ve been waiting for all of my life and because I was doing this “crazy” opposite thing he was presented to me in the most beautiful and unexpected way. Another thing that I was doing almost simultaneously was praying for this man of mine… praying that he was being led to me and being healed and supported in every way he needed to be in order to find me! I recognized that I was ready but that he might not be… Orna mentioned in an earlier post something that resonated very deeply in me, she wrote:

    “So what I now know is that I was in a “holding pattern” because my Now Husband was doing work on himself to get to me.”

    Yes… this is exactly what was happening with my S and me… I was ready, I had done all of the work, I was healthy and whole but I was still fretting and worrying “where the heck is he?!” But yes, he was working on what he needed to work on in order for things to be “right” when we eventually met. Now I know for sure that this man was especially delivered directly to me and that’s a long story in and of itself but it happened and I’ve said all of this to say to some of you beautiful goddesses that your man is on his way to you as well… just keep doing what you’re doing with these amazing tools Rori has shared with us and he’ll be showing up soon… When you think of him send positive and loving energy toward him, pray for his happiness, peace and safety as well as direction in finding you! Think of him more than you think of you…
    My S is a citizen of the UK, was visiting in FL, and our paths would never have crossed had B not introduced us… and if I had dismissed B two months prior based on the superficial crap that we (I)typically judge people by I would have never met my sweet S.

    I love the rawness and openness of the feelings expressed here… you all give me courage and hope and inspiration to keep practicing these tools so that things in my relationship continue to move forward and get better.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart and again, your man is on his way…

    How does it get any better than this?

    love and blessings,

  87.  #87Erika Awakening on March 10, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    hey Lucy,

    I’m glad that blog entry spoke to you. You’re right, it’s about LOVE. It’s about the joy of loving, without caring about outcomes.

    Speaking of which, today I moved into a “I just don’t give a shit anymore” space.

    A space of not being particularly interested in any man, or in the One showing up, or any of it. A feeling of it’s all a bunch of crap anyway, none of it is real.

    So I’ve moved from feeling betrayed by God, to “fuck you, God, I’m not playing this bullshit game anymore. I don’t even believe you anymore that he’s ever showing up.”

    I don’t really feel like doing anything on my to-do list either.

    Surprisingly, this feels kinda liberating.

    Erika 😉

  88.  #88Natural Goddess on March 10, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Hello Everyone,
    I’ve been reading all the posts and I am filled with a feeling of richness…

    Everyone has these giant yummy morsels of truth, Goddess truth, Divine Truth.

    I wrote a comment a couple weeks ago, and thank you Rori for what you said…I was feeling that “rock bottom” place, not having a car and all, and you reminded me that I’m the prize, and I don’t have to “be” anything other than who I am to attract the right man.

    Since then, a guy from last year made a reappearance. I met him in a magical way, in another country, he was a street performer and asked me out and I said no, and two years later we ended up living in the same state (and bumping into each other)!

    This time I said yes, and we had a love affair for a couple weeks. During which, he told me he loved me from the moment he saw me, had wondered about me through the past few years, wondering if he’d scared me off…I told him I was a little scared, as it seemed so instantly he wanted to be with me,
    and I admitted I did a reckless thing in sleeping with him when my intuition was “NO.” Not so quickly…so I own my part of contributing to an instability in our connection- IF I WAS NOT HONORING MYSELF, HOW COULD HE HONOR ME?

    Nevertheless, it seems we sort of bounced fears back and forth, energetically, and after a couple weeks he said he was overwhelmed, needed space…six months later we talked and he said he didn’t have the courage to handle the intensity of the connection. I though it was a closure in seeing him, but the connection was strong. (and btw, I wasn’t “waiting” for him, in that meantime I had fallen in love with someone else but it didn’t work out)

    Anyway, he was dating someone, and that ended,
    and we’ve been in touch through email and chatting the past few months..

    He insisted we hang out, and since practicing the tools that getting to practice with him last week, I felt a HUGE difference! I feel like our dynamic shifted, he totally treated me like a goddess, paying for everything (which he didn’t do last year), we even got a parking ticket, which was my fault because I insisted it was ok to park there in spite of the signs, and he said “I don’t want you to worry about that.”
    I didn’t even expect that it was really a “date,” I was just open, but he was so affectionate and romantic…
    and surprisingly sentimental! I made a drawing in the cafe, and as I was just going to leave it on the table, he exclaimed, “No, we should take that with us!” It seemed a gesture of wanting to have a memory, a keepsake of the evening- he expressed it was meaningful to him…

    So, we ended up at my place, making out, beautiful chemistry with us as it was before, I felt so held and nourished!! It was the way I wanted thing to be with him before, and I felt so surprised and delighted by
    this turnaround…
    At one point he said he acted like a jerk and was sorry, and that he was in a better place now and able to handle things more…

    It was a wonderful evening and
    I felt I honored MYSELF by not sleeping with him,
    I did go further than intended, I thought I’d stop and cuddling, but I felt waaaay more Goddesssy being open and RECEIVING than my thoughts of wanting to “close” as though to punish him for not showing up last year, which was my self protective mode…

    Of course he wanted to be with me, but I said,
    “I will not sleep with someone until I feel completely honored and cherished, and it takes time to know that.”
    I explained that “Last year I was trying to be casual, and I realized having casual sex is not who I am…it feels too deep for me to have outside of a relationship..”

    he said he understood, we kissed more and he held me…

    And so my issue is, he has NOT contacted me since then! It’s been a week and I haven’t heard a word!
    He sent me an invite to one of his shows, (me and 150 other people) but not

    My friends tell me “you deserve better,” and my psychic healer says my expectations are sabotaging…I feel so confused, disturbed, uncertain of what to do…I feel guilty and bad about my expectations, frustrated that I’m being told I should not have them, like it’s the “old paradigm” way of being, it’s not very enlightened or spiritual.

  89.  #89Natural Goddess on March 10, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    oops, clicked send by accident,
    to finish that sentence, he sent me an invite
    as part of a group, and not an individual note…

    I feel bad, like I’m getting crumbs- it seems he made all these gestures, to say he’s interested in rekindling things and exploring- and while he said, “we should definitely do this again” that morning, he hasn’t called or written to ask me out.

    I have this thought that if he REALLY wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me, not just sent me a group invite.

    Am I being unreasonable here?

  90.  #90kismet on March 10, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Is it crazy for my boyfriend of almost a month (whom I’ve known since December and hit it off well with) to say that he feels he wants to be with me forever and want to commit to me? Most guys and girls will think its “girly” or crazy and too soon, that I should be on the look out. So I don’t know how to feel about this.

  91.  #91Erika Awakening on March 10, 2010 at 8:54 pm


    Perhaps this means you have crossed the Goddess Barrier into full Goddess-ness


  92.  #92Tracy on March 10, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I am realy loving everone’s response on this post.
    I have been circular dating for a while now and to be honest i have learnt so much about myself from this.
    I felt in the beginning that i wasn’t making any progress because i was actually looking for a man from this men i was meeting and i would feel frustrated when i met men with qualities i didn’t like….
    Slowly i have began acknowledging what feels cormfortable to me and being honest about how i feel and i find myself opening up to everything around me..
    What i feel most grateful about is the fact that i am less worried about finding and being with someone in the future and because of this i am more open to what is happening right now.Even with the man/woman right infront of me.I am learning to let go of the tight grip of how life and people are supposed to be and instead allow life to unfold and lead me as it will.
    I feel more love for myself and less caught up in finding someone to love me and give me this happiness…Circular dating has really helped me open up to the reality of who i really i am and its something beautiful to watch every day..hugs!

  93.  #93Daria on March 10, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    feeling sad. lets do mama gena spring cleaning

    waht do you have on men?

    im feeling disappointed that i’m not feeling as attractive as other times

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel scared that theyre not gonna wanna pick up the slack in calling me and driving to me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel furious still at that one dude who freakin said i was disgusting and weird and crazy for having dating boundaries

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel really insecure now communicating these boundaries because i think theyre gonna think theyre weird and strange and a turn off

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel sad and i miss multiple man attention

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i didnt want this guy really to get off the phone

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i feel drained and im looking for a man to rescue my emotions

    thank you

    what do you haveon men?

    im feeling sad and beaten down that my dad criticized me twice today

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i dont really trust them to want to do the job of pursuing me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    there are some that want to do this job and one is handsome

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im worried if this other guy i talked to will be attractive to me, he said hes short and i don’t know yet from his pictures

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the one guy i did like flaked on me today and then texted me that he didtn mean to, but hes texting rather than calling and i feel disappointed and like i want too much

    thank you what doyou have on men?

    i feel like im asking for too much from them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    men of the “type” i date arent used to dating rules and they will judge me about them and think im weird

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel sad and i feel afraid of them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the ones at my capoeira class were nice to me today

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i hate them right now

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel guilty about not liking fat boy

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel like grossed out when he tried to kiss me though really it wasnt that bad

    tahnk you what do you have on men?

    i still don’t know what to do and i feel guilty for not having answered his calls or texts

    thank you what do you have on men?

    the ones i like arent gonna pursue me cuz they either wont “get” it or they cant

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel so confused and like im not communicating my boundaries in a way that doesnt feel like im tying a rock on my neck and trhowing myself off a pier and him too

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i dont trust them to understand and be there

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    some of them DO want to do the job but then they get insecure

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel bad that this dude didnt ask for a meeting date

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    the other guy from this morning called me and expected to see me but only cuz he was in town, and was all pist sounding that i wasnt ready when he was even tho he didnt set a time with me, just a time for when he would call and i told him i mght be sleep wich i was

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i didnt meet him cuz i had an other date that i got stood up for

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel afraid that the guy who stood me up and text apologized 4 hours later wont like me anymore because i didnt answer his next text

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel unloved by them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel frustrated that my boy justin didnt really pay me too much attention when i went to his show

    thank you what do you have on men?

    i wasnt really feelin the cousin of the guy my gilr liked last nite, i felt weird and not like i was the object of attention and worship talking to him

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel angry taht my girl throws herself at them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i missed talking to that one at the club that obviously liked me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i forgot about my experiment of walking up to one and starting a convo

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    i feel upset that i get yelled at by my dad and that people assume im daddys little girl and instead he doesnt payu attention to my feelings befor he says stuff

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i dont like the salesman for yodle that my dad wants me to call and try to negoticate wih

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel resentful that my dad wont call himself but instead wants me to do this negotiation that to me seems futile and i feel ill equipped to handle

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    i wish for once they would fuckin help me instead of burden me

    thank you
    what do you have on men?

    im looking forward to that guy that wants to take me to the academy awards i hope he has a car

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    im tired of them asking me to come see them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im tired of them saying a few words online but not escalating

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    im tired of feeling tired with them

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i want to feel excited and good

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    that freakin guy i liked from the club wanted me to drive on the date he planned and he hasnt even called back after i got mad and he said i get mad easily and now i feel insecure

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i cant take their fuckkin waffling anymore

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    the fat dude reminds me of hovering dude i just feel ick

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel annoyed and frustrated with them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel like they dont see my worth enough

    thank you

    what do you have on men/

    fuckin transformer, dman or neighbor are not stepping up

    tahnk you what do you hav eon men

    my brah wanted me to call guywhohadababy and i did not want to wtf i feel jealous that they chop it up

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i wish i had a hundred men to circular date like the hundred men exercise

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel frustrated that theyre not filling my schedule

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel angry when they call a couple times but dont follow through adn it seems they wnat me to call i feel not good enough for them to pursue

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men?

    i feel so testy and easily irritated with them

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i want to have sex but worried about my bladder some

    thank you waht do you ahve on men?

    i dont feel comfortable telling them about my bladdre

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i feel scared to go downstairs and get my tea cuz my dad is there

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    his fuckin critcizims zap my energy and slwo down my progress rather than help me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    i feel powerless to not feel deeply sunk when i haer thme

    thank you

    waht do you have on men?

    i freakin hate them

    thank you what do you have on men?

    its all dmans fault i have this bladder thing

    thank you what do you have on men

    a man did a healing on me about it so taht was nice but right now i feel like slapping him too

    thank you

    waht do you have on men

    i dont trust them! i feel furious and unheard and unloved and unstepped up to

    thank you

    what do you ahve on men

    fuck them girly bitches

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    theyre all gay

    thank you

    what do you hav on men

    theyll never step up

    thank you

    what do you have on men

    theyre just whiny fuckers

    thank you what od you have on men

    if they knew they could just like pick me up and have sex with me and claim me they probably would but theyre too stupid

    thank you what do you have on men?

    they are all slow

    thank you what do you have on men?

    i feel unhappy with men rihgt now

    thank you what do you ahve on men

    i feel furious im tired of it

    thank you what do you have on men?

    its hard to keep postiive if im not having wonderful circular dates

    thank you what do you ahve on men?

    i feel tired of talking about them

    thank you


    that felt like riffing

  94.  #94Daria on March 10, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    I now shared with big man… this is what was said

    him online message:

    hi beautiful. i everything ok between us aint heard from you


    hi… i dont know what to say… ive been feeling confused… everythign is ok with me…

    honestly ive been feeling kind of guilty.. i felt good and treated like a lady when we went out… and im not really feeling a romantic connection with you… and i want to be totally honest with you because thats important to me

    what do you think?

  95.  #95Daria on March 10, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    well just looking at his pic as i was copy and pasting and i feel guilty again… but im remembering what Rori said about RESPECTING and being honest from the heart


    hes a MAN

    hes a MAN

    hes a MAN
    thank u

  96.  #96Daria on March 10, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    baby steps!

    i feel a shift! shifting shiftine

  97.  #97Linda on March 11, 2010 at 4:48 am

    There ya go Daria!

    DIrect and to the point. The more you communicate like that the easier it will become.

    I usually feel better when I get stuff like that off my plate no guilt.most the time just relief. From that I have learned to ward off situations like that because I just hate feeling like that and I dont want to hurt the other person.

    I remember the one guy that I met in January 09 and saw for about a month. I knew from the beginning that I was not attracted but I was hoping that it would grow. It just got worse. I felt the the cat in the cartoons with Pepe’ Lepew. I could hardly wait to get away from him.. He kissed me like he was trying to chewing meat off a bone! SOOOO GROSS.

    Funny when I think about it. I had just met S then too. S had just asked me the day before to be his girlfriend and I said, hmmm lets see what develops between us… and then the next day he text me saying that I was a great person but … blah blah blah…he was not interested in me. WOW I just remembered that… BOY, I wish I would have never given S another second of my time. … But of course I did…

    Attraction is pretty much a non negotiable item for us. I really dont know how it grows like Rori suggests it can. I have not found that to be true ever, even when I practiced at it.


    IT is all a learning

  98.  #98Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 4:56 am

    I just feel like I was hit with a double wammy. My long distance told me that the problem was the distance. Okay, so I finally volunteered to go down to his home state, even to live…….. and he has stayed silent about it. It REALLY hurts, cuz, now I know it’s NOT the distance!

  99.  #99Linda on March 11, 2010 at 6:15 am


    I am so sorry. It is very very hard to loose something we wanted to work. It seems so hard to let go of something that could work if only…. I have just gone thru this. Reality feels so painful and unfair even cruel but what if you had uprooted your life, moved there and he then did this. That could have been even harder.

    Hugs to you


  100.  #100Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 6:35 am

    Linda, how do you recupe after something this hard, I have isolated myself for now.

  101.  #101Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 7:19 am


    It will take time… be gentle with yourself. Use the energy that you were putting toward him to read and learn and practice Rori’s tools. A large part of healing is learning to love and nurture yourself because you are probably empty from giving so much to keep things going.

    And reading this blog helped me a lot. You won’t feel so alone.

    It took me a LONG time to even feel like moving again. Honestly, I wallowed way too long … I see now that he wasn’t worth that much time out of my life. So as soon as you can, start opening up to the possibility that the man you seek is out there also seeking you.

    I finally found the strength to begin again because I was able to envision that every step I took was/is bringing me one step closer to the right man.. the one who will love and cherish me the way I deserve.

    Hugs to you!!! You will make it… I know it doesn’t feel much like it.. but you will. You’re a beautiful, strong goddess!

  102.  #102Pam on March 11, 2010 at 7:45 am

    I am sharing this in the hopes that it will inspire any women reading who may feel stuck with a toxic man (and may be co-toxic:

    Last night was the first time I did not answer a text late at night even though I was awake. I felt strong that I could be alone.

    Today is the first time I did not snoop on the computer even though I was alone and had the opportunity. It felt liberating.

    Today is the first day I feel as if I have options. That “it is not the life I have the defines me – it is the way I choose to live that life.”

    Today I bought a plane ticket to Ca for a 5 day getaway with a girlfriend and it is the first time I do not feel guilty about leaving my bf behind.

    Tonight I am meeting with a dog trainer (saw his pic on his website and have chatted on the phone with him and feel a connection that I’m excited about!) to learn how to be the best dog owner I can and not rely on bf for help with her.

    Today is the day I am going to promise to love myself regardless of all of my flaws. I am tired of feeling that I am not good enough and deserving of a good man. My boundaries are becoming clearer every day. I am learning to “leave the battlefield” and it feels good!

    And I want to thank each and every one of you who shares their stories. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me.

    Girl power!

  103.  #103Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 8:01 am

    YAY Pam!!!! I have tears in my eyes reading this. I remember so clearly the first night that I had the strength not to answer an email. I actually didn’t even READ it! I left it sitting right there in my inbox, crawled into bed and felt … free!

    We get to begin again every moment!

    I celebrate these victories with you! They strengthen us all!

  104.  #104Pam on March 11, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Rachel – “We get to begin again every moment!” LOVE that!

    If we fall down, just keep getting up. Eventually we won’t fall.

    I now have tears too…..but happy ones! Thank you!

  105.  #105Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 8:23 am


    Yay! BIG BIG HUG! I love your post. It is so beautifully authentic – honoring where you are RIGHT NOW! FANTASTIC!


  106.  #106Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 8:26 am


    The key is to put the focus on YOU. Really take the best care of You. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel numb – be ACTIVE do something to get in your body so you FEEL. Simply treat yourself like the most precious person in all the land.

    You can download a free audio “Self Acceptance is the Key to Feeling Loved” that may help: http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/

    Big Hug,

  107.  #107Pam on March 11, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Orna – big, big hug back to you! And I love your site! Very, very amazing stuff in there…..We have a lot in common. I will keep reading…

  108.  #108Victoria on March 11, 2010 at 8:31 am

    I have been following this site for awhile now and getting some real clarity…though it’s one step forward and a step back for me.. I got involved with a man that was just out of a marriage…even tho my rule is never to date anyone that is separated. And surprise (ha) after 6 blissful months…of really connecting, having great fun with his family and friends…I sense him pulling away. I had suggested in the beginning of the relationship that I thought he hadn’t grieved his loss ( especially since she left him). And suggested again that maybe he needed to be free to be a single guy and see what it’s like to be alone and date. He was in a 2 marriages for a span of 26 years.. and never dated between. He said that was what he was feeling too. He cares a great deal for me…and I truly feel he does. He’s so affectionate, sweet and fun. Just a good guy.
    So here it is.. I love him and am in a lot of pain..we are both on the dating website. I feel he will be back when he has a chance to see it’s not all that great on the dating scene…but though I’m doing the circular dating and everything I think I need to do to feel good about myself. Im miserable… I am trying to start the day with a positive outlook and something that relates to him puts me in a dive. Its been 3 weeks since I let him go…we talked once. He said “If it’s real which I think it is…it will happen”. maybe he’s saying this to soften the blow??

  109.  #109Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 8:48 am

    You guys are wonderful, I know I will get through this but I want to let you in on a little secret. I just never felt from the get go that I was ever enough. I would sleep with guys so they would want me. Very young I was. Anyway, enough of that! I was reading about emotional unavailability today and I think I have been just as much there as anyone out there. As us mature women know (or should know), it’s NOT the way to a man’s heart through the bedroom. Yet, something in my gut tells me it is…..and they just keep after you about it! Well, I guess I have to work on being more authentic. I felt so sad when my long distance BF finally got his way. I think that was one of the reasons why he kept coming back up to see me. Yet, he continued on with me for another 2 years (It took him 6 months to get his way, but it was only because of the distance and only seeing each other 4 times during that time. I don’t know why I felt sad, probably because I thought he was special for waiting to get the sex and that he REALLY loved me. Well, after awhile, I of course wanted to know where the relationship was going and the tension began. I am trying to not look for his e-mails but so far I keep looking. I want to be strong, I want it so bad and to finish this lifelong cycle of not loving myself. It hurts very deeply….A knife in my gut. To think I did not take care of mee all this time, years and years, is overwhelming. Anyway, I ordered Rori’s Modern SIren, I just hope it’s not too late and that there is too much scar tissue across my heart. I just feel so alone and defeated.

  110.  #110Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 9:05 am


    You are not alone… you are one of a very large group. That is the TRUTH.

    I started having sex at a very young age and my core belief that I had to change about me was that I was not enough. I was only attracted to unavailable men – either married, or addicts (alcohol, drugs) – and would settle for the crumbs they would give.

    I’m so happy you have Modern Siren. It will help you. I want to share that I feel it is NOT TOO LATE – YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.

    I’ve said it here on this blog in the past, and I’ll share it again: I had an affair with a married man for many (too many) years and there was a time when I would beat myself for giving him the “best years of my life.” Now I know that is not true, that I had to do the work on me. I had to fill up that hole inside of me and love myself and learn how to give love the way I wanted to receive it.

    Now I’m living the best life with my husband who is my soul mate. He is EVERYTHING I ever wanted and more. I’m living the best years of my life NOW.

    This is possible for You too. 🙂

    Big Hug,

  111.  #111Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 9:07 am


    Thank you! Matthew and I have worked hard to put the site together to deliver value. I’m delighted that you like it and are finding it helpful.

    We’ve been so blessed to have Rori’s support. THANK YOU RORI!! 🙂

    Big Hug,

  112.  #112Turtle girl on March 11, 2010 at 9:10 am

    The only way I have ever felt OK with myself having sex with a guy is when I could care less what he did or thought or whether he cared for me or not. I think Rori calls it Rock Star Status or something like that.

    But that’s the only way. The interesting thing is-every time I had the vibe I could have cared less-the guys were just chasing me down to marry me or be in love with me. It is so weird. Every time I acted “needy” like it mattered to me, they got cold feet and slipped away like chicken shits. If I stand back and look at it objectively, it is really rather amusing how this stuff works. But there it is.

  113.  #113Pam on March 11, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Jeannette – It’s NEVER too late. I recently got the Modern Siren and it’s amazing!

    You are not alone. You have us!!

    Hang in there…..I have a feeling you will get to a point where you will get tired of feeling this way and one day you will wake up and say “no more”. No man is worth feeling this way over. The real struggle is when you do feel this way, this is when they usually start giving us what we want and then we have to decide if they are really changing because they really love us or is it temporary because they don’t want to lose us.

    Buy some pretty flowers for yourself today. You deserve them!!

  114.  #114Turtle girl on March 11, 2010 at 9:15 am


    I find your opinions about love very interesting. I have been practicing this myself. I actually wrote a letter to ex toxic man a few days ago. We have had no contact for 3 months. If he agrees for me to write him, I am going to do it in a total spirit of love with no expectations at all. I am to the point where I feel sorry for him and see how broken and beat up and weak he really is, or else he would not act the way he does.

    I do not want him back-I want nothing from him.
    But in a strange way I feel God (whatever that is)
    is tugging on me to reach out to him. I find my writing to him, it actually helped me get over him in some sort of final act to the play. Like the vibe has totally changed and i am using him for my own muse to work out my feelings and I could care less how he responds. This is VERY different than where I was 3 months ago. No contact brings such clarity and as Tinque says-the muddy waters clear.

    Wow has he ever been a profound learning experience for me. I know that God put him in my life for this reason. What a long strange trip it’s been………

  115.  #115Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Orma, I thought I WAS giving love the way I wanted to receive it….but apparantly not. What was I missing? That is the million dollar question..

  116.  #116tinque on March 11, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Oh Jeanette – It’s never too late. You have the desire as evidenced by you being here and sharing of yourself and as long as you’re willing to put in the effort which it seems to me you are, then anything is possible.
    Most of us feel we are not enough at some time, and sometimes this feeling is a regular visitor, but this doesn’t preclude having a wonderful man in your life. It didn’t me. I guest wrote an article I believe it was put up here, or it might have been on the other site Rori has a hand in. It’s on my own site for sure. It’s an older piece but just as relevant. Let me know if you want me to find it for you.
    And as for sex being the way to a man’s heart, it’s not the only element, not by a long shot, but it is important for most men.
    It’s one of the best ways to connect on every level, to truly be as one. It doesn’t get much more intimate.
    For me exploring my sexuality with K facilitated the opening of my heart and my vulnerability, to him, to myself, and the to the world.
    For me as one expands, so does the other and vice versa.
    My heart’s depths seem to be limitless as does my feefee’s abilities. She never ceases to surprise me, and so does my heart.

  117.  #117Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Guys, this is sort of embarrassing but my man wanted to use some ‘toys’ especially cuz of the long distance and I wasn’t used to them and I think we should have talked about it more. Now I am blaming myself and maybe that is another reason he went away. I just wanted to know he was more committed to me before I went ahead…If you don’t comment I wouldn’t blame you!

  118.  #118Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Dear Jeannette,

    A good, loving and noble man will always want to make YOU happy above his own desires. You should never have to do something that you’re not ready for or uncomfortable with to keep a man. This is part of learning to love yourself and set healthy boundaries for your heart.

    I made the same mistake with a guy and it fed right into my low self-esteem. Now that I’m with a good man, I’m amazed at his patience and gentleness. He treats me like the queen and he is there to serve me! The difference takes my breath away.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of!!! Give yourself a HUGE HUG and give thanks (even though you’re still hurting) that you did not give away any more of yourself to this man.

    You are a precious, beautiful, strong woman and you deserve a man who sees the real you and cherishes you!! “Losing” this man will clear the way for you to move toward the right man

  119.  #119tinque on March 11, 2010 at 9:45 am

    That’s about one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard, rejecting you because you were shy to try toys?
    Personally I’m not into them and neither is K, but for those that are, they can be fun.
    BUT for someone to be insensitive to your feelings is, well…insensitive. Trying out anything new sexually in a relationship I would imagine would require a little respect and well….sensitivity.
    You my dear Jeanette did nothing wrong. He went away for reasons having nothing to do with you. You may not have been right for each other, but that IS NOT YOUR fault.

  120.  #120sia on March 11, 2010 at 9:46 am


    for me doesn’t come immediately. I can start feeling it after weeks! After talking, being in the presence. So do some of my friends.
    But – my other friends tell me – when they see a guy, they know, instantly. (this is how it works for all men, apparently).

    (this instant knowing happened to me maybe 5 times in my life, max).

    So maybe there are 2 types of women? I would definitely like to belong to the type which knows instantly!!

    Does Rori mention something about this somewhere?

    Linda – sorry you feel not good. Was it you who felt triggered by Erika, about being responsible for what heppened to you? Don’t worry about it, Erika means well, and if you read her site, you can see she believes EFT techniques protect from STD, so there is no need for condom – this is a plane of thought I think is reserved for yoga masters, so don’ t get triggered, it is no use to allow such thoughts of responsibility for misfortunes linger..

  121.  #121Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Wow, Rachel I can’t begin to tell me what those words mean to me…I am so overcome with gratitude to know that I AM on the right track and that I AM taking better care of myself then I realize. Its a lonely world at times but, if that is what it takes…he just disappointed me is all because he seemed so sweet and different..always there for me otherwise. 2 1/2 years….just get tired of the IMMENSITY of disappointment. BUt, he just wanted to enjoy me I guess for as long as he could with no outstanding commitment. I know is ex wife loved the toys and sometimes, I think he just went back to her. But, he would be SO stupid because she went out on him too. Whatever. Thanks again Rachel.

  122.  #122Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 9:56 am


    The real key here is for you to get out of blame. Blaming yourself solves nothing and perpetuates that feeling of “not enough.”

    Tinque hit the nail on the head – sex is important, but certainly not the only ingredient.

    As discussed here regularly, being authentic and speaking how we FEEL is the of the utmost importance – now make that X 1,000 when sex is part of the equation. Soooo important to speak up. What makes you feel good, what doesn’t.

    Rather than beating yourself up about what you “may have done wrong” – look for what you learned. What was the gift this man was here to deliver to you? (As Rori says the Message.)

    Earlier when I said to give love as I wish to receive it – that was more about giving that love to MYSELF. Our intimate relationship is a mirror of what is going on inside of us.

    Big Hug,

  123.  #123Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 10:04 am


    I hear your frustration at the IMMENSITY of disappointment and having invested so much (2 1/2 years) into something that went away. Let me encourage you that NOTHING is wasted! You did not waste those years. You learned things and grew as a person. Everything is preparation for the next chapter.

    I love what Orna said a week or so ago. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. In the same way, you can’t do the wrong thing and chase away the right person! Simply put, this was not the right man for you and so while it hurts, you know deep down that you want to find your soulmate … the one who will come to be with YOU, who will honor YOU, who will bend toward YOU and water the beautiful fern of YOU.

    So give thanks for what was and give thanks for what will be!

    (I know this is HARD… I have to remind myself ALL the time! I actually have that phrase written on a note above my desk! But it gets easier over time)

  124.  #124Turtle girl on March 11, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I really love you way you put that-bend toward you, water the beautiful fern of you. Just beautiful!! xxoo

  125.  #125Linda on March 11, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Rachel you are a gem. I am a little over a week of my walking away from what I did not want anymore. I have been watered from the lovely goddesses here and being out of the constant stress has helped that go a long way.

    I remember Orna saying what you requoted. That makes me wonder, does that work for the man. In my case S would say the wrong things and I stayed but I tried to look beyond and focus on the person and not the behavior. When I got to the place where I was just not able to endure it any longer I had to walk. So… maybe you can say the wrong thing and it will send the right person away. I have always felt that he an I were meant to be together, I believe in destiny. But it did not work. He would not let it . It gets muddy for me here.

    What do you think?


  126.  #126lm on March 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

    YES PAM!

    I am so happy for you! I feel a little choked up. making that decision to love yourself is the key. you can do anything and get through anything once you do.


  127.  #127Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 11:30 am


    The goddesses here saved my life last fall…

    That is a good question. Let me think about it a little… but my first reaction (based on my experience) is that I just refused to see the truth for a very long time. I was so determined to redeem the man and the relationship that I looked past too many “wrong” things. Was I the right person for him? I thought I was… but he never treated me in the way that the right person for ME would treat me.

    In order for the relationship to be right, both parties have to be the right one for the other. And I know now (that I’ve had some time and distance to heal) that I will never again (so help me, God!) settle for the crumbs that I was tossed.

    The one thing I feel really good about is that I gave him a beautiful example of what a loving heart is like. He didn’t know what to make of me and didn’t have the emotional depth to give that kind of love back. But I feel like now that he’s had a taste, maybe it’ll inspire him to grow weary of the shallowness and dig deeper within himself to find healing.

    I loved deeply…and love is never wasted. I can beat myself up for being stupid or bemoan the wasted months, but in the end, I sowed love into the universe and I believe that it will come back to me ten-fold.

    Ok… I’ll think some more and write more later!


  128.  #128Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I will just add one quick thing…. underneath I always had the nagging knowledge that this wasn’t the right man. There were lots of immediate red flags that I plowed right past. And once I’d invested so much of ME into him, I just couldn’t walk away. So it wasn’t so much that I was the right person, but that I was too stubborn to give up trying to make him into the right person!

    The vision I had for the relationship was right… it still is my vision for the kind of relationship that I know I’m created for. But I pinned that vision onto THAT man and it didn’t fit.

  129.  #129tinque on March 11, 2010 at 11:44 am

    “Our intimate relationship is a mirror of what is going on inside of us. ”

    Yes Orna, so well put.
    I have always said the world is our reflection but tend to forget, especially in a shaky moment, that my intimate, my man is also my reflection.
    And he’s full of love and laughter and cuddles and kisses and yummy, yummy sex…

  130.  #130Pam on March 11, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Im – thank you!!!! I don’t even know you but the support it what is keeping me going.

    Rachel – I related so much to what you said. For the longest time, I have refused to see the truth. I am not listening to my heart. I have been so focused on saving “us” and at the same time ignoring my needs. I took the crumbs but it never felt good when I did (and do). I am working on how to release myself from this relationship and your words are encouraging.

  131.  #131Daria on March 11, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    ok so here he says:

    i dont know what to say. im into you. thought you was into me too. its ok if your not. theres nothing i can do to change that.

    — well i feel judgemental and a lil disappointed at him saying… there’s nothing i can do to change that.

    i feel like rolling my eyes like “i guess”

    i also feel relieved

  132.  #132gina on March 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I really needed this! Thanks Rori!! So, a man is either attracted sexually to us or not. And even if he is, he may or may not Want us. And there is no reason “why – it just is. And nice men are a chance to practice telling the truth. Just messages. That feels so different: to attach myself to their message instead of the relationship. That feels almost sad, but I see how attaching myself to men is preventing a committed connection with a man who claims me.

  133.  #133Daria on March 11, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    tinque – what’s the other site that Rori has a hand in?

  134.  #134tinque on March 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm

  135.  #135tinque on March 11, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    gina – Men are sexually attracted to almost every woman they meet/see. They’re hard wired that way, BUT when it’s that special someone, it’s a FAR, FAR deeper attraction not only sexually but mind and heart included.
    And it just is.
    I can only speak for me, and maybe it was because my fears were more prevalent than my intuition at the time, but my attraction grew over time, as I felt more and more safe and more and more desired.
    The latter may sound awful, and things may be different now than they were then, but being wanted was a huge turn on for me, still is, so I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t be any different.
    I was very careful with my heart, and it took years to finally feel comfortable and safe enough to let her out.
    I don’t love easily, not as most women tend to, so maybe this is another perspective for you to consider.

  136.  #136gina on March 11, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Thanks, Tinque. I’m noticing that I spot men that I find appealing, who will pursue me for sex, and I’m surprised when that is truly all they want. Right now, there is a man pursuing me in a way that feels real. I feel uneasy about it, but sometimes good. Hmmm…I wish I loved being wanted more. Maybe I can…

  137.  #137Linda on March 11, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Rachel, Thank you for your quick reply. I have so many things bouncing around in my head , heart and spirit. What you said is right on.. I identify with alot of it. When I think back on everything, know everything that I know, all my bad experiences I could not kill this feeling that he was the one for me. It had nothing to with anything tangible but in my spirit. It is still there today even though nothing supports it, confirms it and I have walked away. It is still there. It is something I will just have to make peace with and leave it be, and go on with my life.

    I am going to re read all you wrote and let it sink in it is all true.


  138.  #138Jennifer on March 11, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    I can relate to the feeling that “he was the one for me”.
    I felt that way with B. When I was 14 i went into a funk for two years. I think maybe a bit of depression. Around the same time he got cancer and nearly died. I got out of my funk around the same time he got cleared of cancer so I kinda felt like the universe had saved him for me.
    But really…..if it was ALL that….he never would have shut me out the way he did.
    Like Tinque I don’t love easily. It took me two years to decide on B…and it took him three more to say he loved me back. But again I guess it’s all moot.
    THE man would have treated me like a queen.

  139.  #139tinque on March 11, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Yes he would have Jennifer.
    K has always treated me as his something precious, sometimes more than other times, and once upon a time my insecure self would emerge wondering if maybe he no longer wanted me/loved me during the “other times”, and I would fill with angst inside, but I know now that ebb and flow will happen, and believe me K’s ebbs are many women’s flows, and if he’s withdrawing a bit, he will be back very, very soon.
    Another thing to consider is that treating a woman like a queen doesn’t necessarily consist of gifts all the time or constant attention.
    It’s more often the ever present, underlying care and connection, the energy of constant and consistent love. And one needs to have an open heart to be aware of this. Men can be very quiet with their deep heart stuff, but it’s there if you listen.

  140.  #140Jennifer on March 11, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    ya know Tinque…sometimes that worries. Me.
    B swears up and down that he loved me. And won’t live up to the idea that he treated me badly. So I worry that he WAS loving me and I missed it.
    But then ……. if he was loving me…wouldn’t he have put me on the military paperwork after two years living together?
    Still, I worry. Maybe i fucked it up,

  141.  #141tinque on March 11, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    It’s hard to say from here Jennifer. But men can be cautious too. Or oblivious. Or just not think.
    I can understand feeling hurt that he didn’t put you on his paper work, but his reasons are his own, or it’s one of the options above. Did you ask?
    (“I feel hurt I wasn’t put on your paperwork,” for example.)
    K and I have been living together for eight years, and though I know he’s not going anywhere, and this is for always, I’m not on any paperwork aside from one bank account. It’s not intentional. It’s not personal. He’s just not really on top of things like that. He doesn’t think about potential consequences as in if something should happen, and yes it can cause me concern sometimes. I used to feel hurt, but now I know what it doesn’t mean.
    So B’s behavior may not have meant anything, but it really doesn’t matter now.
    But PLEASE try not to think you fucked up. I firmly believe that things happen as they do for very good reason as difficult as that can be to swallow sometimes or understand.

  142.  #142Tina on March 11, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    I listening to Allana’s interview with Mat with on T lol, I’m going to try the mirror exercise. Holy shit I”m scuuuuuuured hehelolhahahabatabingyippee!

  143.  #143Tina on March 11, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    It is nessesary to fill my self with pleasure 🙂

  144.  #144tinque on March 11, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    YAY Tina…

  145.  #145Tina on March 11, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    My neighbor “guy” friend said to me last night, “did you gain weigtht”? I said yes, I noticed that too, I lost two pounds going to the gym though 🙂 he is my mirror 🙂 shine some light on that shit! lol.

  146.  #146Tina on March 11, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Tinque, hehe I’m heading to the gym.

  147.  #147Tina on March 11, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    How the hell do you dance like a nun? lol. anyway…hehe

    ooooooooooh haha, I can feel the black -whatever you call those things- rubbing against my body 🙂 oh shit haha an yway gotta go!

  148.  #148Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    I just feel like going out this weekend so I won’t sit at home and make the mistake of calling Mr. long distance. Two guys asked me out but I know Rori says to let them be my therapist….still trying to get all this…neither one are even close to what I want…..so, should I sit at home, go out with a girlfriend….or go and visit one of the kids….Have to think….

  149.  #149Wonder Woman on March 11, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    Wow, I logged on here today feeling a bit Ewwwww about everything. I’m getting bored with emailing and instant messaging guys. It feels tiring. I feel like I spend hours sitting in front of my computer when I want something real and NOW!!

    I read through the other posts and feel like I have gone on an emotional journey….I’m relating, relating, relating…to almost all of them. I feel like crying and laughing.

    I am tired and not feeling good about myself today. I always feel tired and not good about myself 2 weeks after my cycle….whats with that….I never felt like that before I had my son….I feel fed up that my hormones control my feelings so.

    I got in contact with the guy who was nice to me for months but who I blew off bit by bit (without meeting him) even though he seemed kind and genuine (I thought he was boring but maybe he wasn’t I just didn’t get the sicky feelings about him that I get with other guys so I thought I wasn’t attracted to him). I haven’t spoke to him for about 5 months. I thought that maybe he would be good to practice circular dating even though I wasn’t feeling excited (was actually feeling kind of down about it) I text and said “Hi, did you pass your motor cycle test”. He replied and “told me he was ok, blah, blah, blah then told me I was allowed to reply this time”…..Yeah ok I didn’t get around to replying the last time he text me all those months ago, he was asking me for a date….I didn’t want to reply when I got it and then I forgot…or maybe I just didn’t want to. In his next text he said maybe his common-ness put me off….EWWWWWW…sounds almost desperate….then in his next text he told me people asking if he is on f/b puts him off, I read it but didn’t take it in…then I asked if he had a f/b account…..lol Pants….!! Then I realised what I did and said people probably ask if he in on f/b so they can see his pics (I have only ever seen one) then I told him I had to go and he told me he has pictures people can look at (hint hint)….I know he isn’t a bad person (I don’t think he is) but I feel down about the date. I don’t want to date anymore…I want to give up!!

    I am feeling a lil obsessed with EE man…in fact I know I am getting obsessed. I am worried I will start to lean back and he will think I am not interested. I feel an overwhelming sense to lean forward…..I know it will not work if I do that……I feel incompetent and stressed……!!

    My son keeps asking me why I don’t get married (he is only 6). I know he wants me to marry my ex…the man he calls dad….he talks about it a lot lately….I think he has heard his “dad” on the phone to his new girlfriend and it has upset him. I want to make him happy with a lovely man who will fulfil our lives. I told him I wanted to wait and make sure I got someone really kind who would look after us and until then we are doing ok. He told me he would help me choose a nice man….one with nice hair and teeth who treats me to nice days out and is funny….I love my son…..I feel like I am letting him down.

    Just a downy day today……I think tomorrow will be better now I have this off my chest. xx

  150.  #150Wonder Woman on March 11, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I was relating sooooo much to Jennifer when she said

    please help me stop feeling jealous of EVERY WOMAN I KNOW

    I have a friend who split with her partner of 5 years after he went to be with another woman…..we both split with our partners around the same time……I was there for her….she was on a dating site and told me to join….I was trying to hold out for a man who fulfiled my perfect critea….dark hair, dark eyes, funny, blah, blah, blah…..she went on a date with the first guy that emailed her more than a few times….he fell over himself for her…(she is stunning….looks like a model)…..she wasn’t interested in him and acted half hearted with him….he pursued her to the ends of the earth…..he has treated her to the most amazing holidays, spa break weekends, buys all her clothes and jewellery….they only met a year ago and he is talking about getting married to her. She told me she did not even fancy him when she slept with him after a couple of weeks but now she does….

    I feel happy for her but I struggle sometimes…..

    I’m like how can it be that she sleeps with a guy she doesn’t even like…and I am good and try to do the right things….not sleeping with men until I feel I am ready blah, blah, blah and she lands on her feet!!!!!!

    Ewwwwww…..it annoys me sooooo much!!

    …..and she boasts about everything all the time to me and says “one days you’ll meet someone” and I feel like she is patronising me and I want to knock her out….but I don’t because I love her and I am happy for her at the same time….even though she has never worked for anything….and has landed on her feet so many times…..and I have been working since I left college and had so much stuff thrown at me…..but I don’t want her to loose her happiness….a part of me believes very strongly that if something is meant to be it will and there is no point forcing it because you are cheating yourself out of the real stuff, the stuff that doesn’t take effort!!!!

    Ewwwww…..just need to vent today….BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

    I feel like I am adopting a split personality since finding this site….but this is all the stuff I kept hidden deep inside for so long….

    I like the fact I can get this all out and feel my feelings and no one will judge (and hopefully not think I am a lil bit nuts)….lol

  151.  #151Jeannette on March 11, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    I have been reading up on the emotionally unavailable man this eve. and I would say my ex is unavailable because he wouldn’t discuss intimate feelings with me very often. Then I got to thinking….maybe he was just emotionally unavailable to ME. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t all that in to me. I wonder if he was still in love with his ex-wife and was only with me until something resolved itself with her. I know she was very manipulative and I think even got jealous when she learned about me although he said they were already history. But, she ran around on him all the time when they were together. Maybe he just preferred to be treated poorly, something I couldn’t do. Maybe that is why he appeared emotionally unavailable to me. He was such a private man, he didn’t share a whole lot. I look back and I don’t even know how I did it with the physical distance between us. Another thing, he only had me come down to see him just once during the whole relationship, he always came up here. I did meet his daughter though and everything seemed fine when I was there. But still…..very wierd…

  152.  #152Jennifer on March 11, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Wonder Woman.
    I feel glad you feel safe to vent. I feel it’s healthy to vent.
    I sometimes worry that I go past venting into obsession.
    But other than that…I feel the same way you do.
    I feel like “what?!!?!? Where the fuck is mine??!?!!??!”
    I have friends like the woman you’ve described. In the intrests of venting…here’s my stuff.
    I love my friend. I do. She’s great.
    Sometimes I wanna slap the shit outta her though.

    She and her husband break up. She sets about dating on the net. She dates women, men, whatever. They’re lining up for this woman. She goes to montreal for the weekend, gets taken shopping for expensive purses and shoes, one guy gets her a rock bottom deal on a mercedes she’s on a friggin roll.
    She meets a pilot. Who makes $200,000 a year. And good thing too. She refuses to date a dude who makes less that $100, 000 a year. She’s got a maxed out credit card and $400 boots but no groceries for her kids. Like really?
    The pilot now pays for her suv and insurance. He goes to go away for 7 months on deployment and he moves her in to his house..pays all the bills and she profits $60 000 on hers. She keeps the money. Refuses to pay off any of his bills. While he pays for her to live.
    Meanwhile she’s on all his military paperwork, all the rights of a wife after two years.
    I want to pull my fuckin hair out.
    I feel like I want to smack her face.
    New jewelry every time I turn around. She’s up to three diamond pendants, two pairs of diamond ear rings, diamond tennis bracelet, three rings of diamond and different stones.
    At one point she lost the diamond tennis bracelet and HE REPLACED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    all this time all I heard from B is how he feels his gifts aren’t good enough for me cause of what SHE is getting.
    so not only do I have to feel jealous of my friend..I have to try to deal with B’s financial insecurity.
    All the while I’m working two jobs to try to keep up with OUR bills.
    Then he goes and says that he felt I was financially motivated in being with him.
    No, jack ass….SHE’S financially motivated…see the diference? SHE gets the nice financial stuff cause that’s what she’s focused on. I focus on loving you as hard as I can and I get screwed!!!!!!!!!!!
    Ahh………a little venting.
    Wait till I start on the friend I have with the plethora of emotional issues.
    Gee, ain’t I a swell friend?
    No wonder I’m single.. I’m a bitch
    Yeah for being a bitch.

  153.  #153Turtle Girl on March 11, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    You crack me up. You go girl-here’s to all the nasty bitches!!!!! Jealous nasty bitches!!! Yeah!

    I know what you mean I know women like that. It boggles the mind. Talk about a high degree of difficulty! I still do not get it though. What does she have that they want?

  154.  #154Jennifer on March 11, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    TG….sister. I DO NOT KNOW.
    She’s very well put together….hair done, nails did. etc. she’s a home stager so the house is always perfect. she’s a freak in the sheets.
    But then there’s my other friend.
    She is NOT well put together. She’s in track pants all day long. Beautiful girl…but no emphasis on the package…or the house…it’s wrote all day long. The kids run around half naked and screaming…happy messy chaos. The opposite of my other friend.
    Friend B also has a husband who adores her. She doesn’t want jewelry but if she did..she’d have it.
    He literally told me one day “I will not give her up. I need that woman in my life.”
    They fell in love the moment they met. For real. She said she would stand next to him when they first met and her pelvic bones would feel melty. Like she said they felt just before she gave birth to their second child. She said it felt like she was SUPPOSED to have his babies.
    And this woman has issues girls.
    Germophobic stuff.
    Can’t sleep at night unless she has a blanket on her neck in case the vampires come.
    Yes…the vampires.
    I love her. I do. but WTF?!?!?!?!
    She’s super smart. Great person.
    At one point she was trying to decide if he was what she wanted ……..he went to her house every day and made sure she was ok while she was deciding. She wasn’t working…he gave her money.
    He cried cause he thought she wanted someone else.
    I’ve been on my hands and knees at B’s sister’s house mopping up diarrhea cause one of his nephews was sick.
    He lied to me for a year.
    I wanted him and only him from the moment we kissed.
    I took two years to observe him and be sure…but I never hesitated.
    Dear Universe.
    Yeah? Well fuck you too.

  155.  #155Erika Awakening on March 11, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Mmhmm … these “illogical” results with men liking certain women are because none of this has anything to do with how we dress, how we talk, how we act, or how we live.

    It’s all to do with our beliefs … about men, about ourselves, about our love-ability.

    One woman can do something, and another woman can do exactly the same thing, and men will react totally differently to it. Only difference is the first woman loves and accepts herself, and the second woman judges herself.

    It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.

    – Erika

  156.  #156Rachel on March 11, 2010 at 6:23 pm


    Wow… hugs! BUT you know what stood out to me in both of these stories? These two women are/were focused on themSELVES! They expect to be treated well and they are…

    Meanwhile, you are working yourself to death to treat HIM well!!

    These are extreme examples and unhealthy ones(!), but it kinda proves what Rori says. That giving to a man and letting him know that you want “only him” lowers his interest.

    Look at how these two guys are bending over backward to be with these women who aren’t doing anything but receiving! Somehow they’ve “gotten” it and are sending out the “give to me because I deserve it” vibe.

    I can tell that you are a wonderful, caring woman with a huge heart. But I see in what you’ve shared that you were always giving to B and not taking care of yourself or holding yourself in a high esteem that would require HIM to take care of YOU. Your statement “I focus on loving you as hard as I can and I get screwed!!!!!!!!!!!”

    I totally understand this and DID IT!!! And it is so frustrating to see other women just sitting back and being “loved on.” We can definitely learn something from them. We try too hard!

    We need to focus on loving ourselves as hard as we can!!!
    Hmmm… lots to think about

  157.  #157Jennifer on March 11, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Oh I’m all judgy all right.
    The NV are alive and well up in here.
    I’m working on making them stop and the list Rori had me make is good help but I still feel like a loser down in here somewhere.
    I guess I’m just mad cause I’ve spent my whole stupid life trying to be the woman that was “good enough” to get the big love, and I didn’t get it.
    I mean I bent over backward for B.
    I’m fairly well dressed, but not flamboyant. I’m well spoken and well read. I have excellent manners, I make friends easily. I fit in everywhere … like fuckin wall paper.
    I can cook and clean like a professional. I have a professional job that still comes off as nurturing.
    I have a savings account and an investment portfolio and a college fund for my nephew.
    I’m responsible and reliable.
    I’m good in bed.
    I am not demanding, I can take care of myself.
    My room mate’s ex tried to break into our house while B was in basic. I took care of that by myself to keep from bothering him with it.
    And still the voice talks on ….. like a mad house clown.
    And still I have no big love.
    I am tired of trying ….. I am going to hide in my room eating bon bons and reading romance novels.
    Fuck you too universe.

  158.  #158Erika Awakening on March 11, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Hmmm … wild … I’m noticing a feeling of inner conflict …

    A part of me that is resisting participating here fully. A part that feels annoyed about talking about “he did this,” and “he said that.”

    There’s a part of me saying, “who cares?” Are we stepping back and noticing that it’s the same stuff 6 months ago and now …

    Not judging, just noticing.

  159.  #159Orna Walters on March 11, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Erika hit the nail on the head:
    “It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.”

    To me that means WHO WE REALLY ARE is what matters. Nothing else.

    I have the relationship of my dreams. I worked for it. Not by bending over backwards trying to please someone else – I worked for it by loving me, accepting me (all the parts of me), and being super clear on what I wanted and when something else showed up I looked for the gift, I looked for what I learned. Step by step, piece by piece I moved forward into allowing the space for the amazing relationship I now have to show up.

    I love that Jennifer, and every other Goddess here has the opportunity vent and say the things OUT LOUD (well, on paper) that they don’t get to say anywhere else.

    I say: Get it out of your system! Get it ALL out! Expel it so you can move through it! It won’t go anywhere if you keep it bottled up inside.

    Then when you are done tell yourself: “I AM WORTH LOVING!”

    Say that to yourself all day long, every day. Say it until you believe it with every fiber and cell of your being.

    Do that while practicing the tools here, on my site, on Tinque’s site – all the stuff that resonates with you and especially the ones you are most resistant to implement.

    Your outer world will shift to match the inner work you’ve been doing. I can guarantee you one thing: It is worth it!

  160.  #160Tina on March 11, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    I circular dated a police officer 🙂 he stopped me in the parking lot, I came out to look for change for a coffee, he pulled up and asked me what I was doing. I said looking for change, he came out of his car, I gave him a big hi 🙂 he asked if I had been drinking I said no with a big smile 🙂 he said I smell alchohol – I dont drink at all. I said no Im just looking for change, I said uh do you have a dollar? big smile, he said what?! do you have a dollar, he said no I dont, can you step out of the truck please, I said sure ok big smile again. then he changed his mind, he said no stay in the truck, he was waiting for backup 🙂 he shined the light in my eyes. He said I smell alchohol, I said no it must be my perfume, here smell me, I extended my arm – big smile again. The other officer shows up, and does the same thing , shines the light in my eyes, he says why are you so happy? I said I dunno, I just am 🙂 ok get out he says, your going to do a test. I said a test? he said yeah? just listen carefully- I was trying to be a good student 🙂 He said stand still then flashed the light in my eyes again, I said I feel scared, he said what? I said I feel scared and shaky. He said dont worry this wont take long, why are you scared, I said because I feel cold and shaky and I feel like I’ll fail the test because I dont know what the test is? he said you’ll be fine, now just follow my directions, I did but jumped the gun a little when he asked me walk on a line lol. I was nervous that I would stumble or something. I passed and it all was ok. The first officer said well if I had a dollar I would give it to you, I thought he was going to ask me out for coffee instead -me thinks he would have. I said awe thank you -big smile.
    I ran back in and told my friends we laughed.
    I was coming out of the karaoke bar and did a great job singing all night thats why I was feeling happy with myself and listening to Allana’s talk and making love to the earth as I walk 🙂

    He asked me about a small paint stain I had on my jeans, with the light again. Pointing it at my thigh, I explained to him last summer I was making a rose garden and I found this beautiful wroght iron headbroad and decided to paint it this color, I pointed at my thigh, he said oh. I was feeling really excited about telling him the story of the painted headbroad. It all ended well I didnt go to jail 🙂

  161.  #161Tina on March 11, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    I havnt had the chance to do the mirror thing, I;m hoping to when my son goes to school and my sister goes to work . I did a mini one in the face mirror just for starters, to get in the groove.

  162.  #162Tina on March 11, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    Talk to you all later, I’m heading to bed

  163.  #163Wonder Woman on March 12, 2010 at 3:25 am

    Wow…I’m feeling so much better today.

    I don’t vent in my normal life…I hold it all inside…I don’t even think stuff bothers me but then I write it on here and realise it must.

    I got up today and went to see my mum. I mentioned on the questions section that she has never really acknowledged how I have overcome deep depression in the past few years. Today I was feeling good and I mentioned this website. I told her I had found the most amazing website and I have been telling people about my story and I have never done that before and that I mentioned I was jealous of my friend and it had not really occured to me before how annoying I find that. My mum turned round and told me I didn’t need to be jealous…that jealousy is what has eaten away at my sister and made her anti social (lots more stuff going on with my sister than just jealousy but definately a contributing factor). She pointed out that my friends b/f works six weeks away from home then comes back for six and asked me how I think that will work out long term for her and told me about her friend who has all the material things she could want but her husband is never there because he works the same type of rota and her friend has refused to marry him because if she ever finds out he has been unfaithful while he is working away she would want a divorce so even though they have been together well over twenty years and raised a family who are now grown up they have never married. I think my friend will marry but I think she will marry to convince herself she has done ok. I feel like she never gave herself a chance to get over her ex b/f betrayal…she jumped right into the next relationship. So far it’s worked out well but I wonder if it will work out long term.

    Anyway, after saying all this I told my mum I feel like this is a safe place for me and I think I have come a long way from my days of deep depression….and she told me I have come a long, long way and I could tell she was proud….Yeahhhhhh!!!!!

    So I am not jealous or downy today. Today I am feeling happy. I joked and laughed with my son on the way to school….he said my jokes were rubbish….I laughed out loud!! xx

  164.  #164Wonder Woman on March 12, 2010 at 3:49 am



    It’s not what we say and do, it’s what we believe about what we say and do that matters.”

    To me that means WHO WE REALLY ARE is what matters. Nothing else.

    I agree with that statement, but what strikes me as interesting with my friend is that prior to meeting this man we were both pretty much the same regarding relationships.

    We both over functioned, went way over the top to please the men…..I would say I was much more outgoing than she was and a harder worker but emotionally we were on the same level.

    Rori mentioned in another post how when we are at our lowest we have the ability to attract men. The only thing is that I don’t think she attacted him by being her authentic self. I feel like she put on an act. Ok, I know that if we were our goddess selves we would be busy and not reliant on a man and that was the impression she gave this guy but she faked it. This woman is not nearly as sociable as me…..she has actually asked me to reply to her posts on f/b and told me what to say to make it look like she is popular but this guy fell for the whole thing….so maybe faking it has brought it about or she could still be faking it…but that doesn’t feel authentic to me….but if she was authentic he would have seen she is not this sociable person she makes herself out to be and then maybe he wouldn’t have been so interested. I can see her self confidence is high and her self esteem is amazing because of this man….I am happy for her for that but I wish she had done it authentically. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t always judge the men I meet disaprovingly and adding “thats not what D would do, thats not how D would do it, if I got a text like that it would put me off, D never tried to do that” etc…..and I feel like saying “Yeah but I wouldn’t jump into bed with a guy that I didn’t fancy….but what are you gonna do”??!!!!!!!”

    Ok, now I know that sounds like I’m venting again and maybe I am just a bit but I feel grounded and ok today so it’s alright. xx

  165.  #165Wonder Woman on March 12, 2010 at 3:51 am

    Oh just noticed I said my mums friends husband in the post above then added they never got married….I always thought they were married so was not thinking….of course he is her partner not her husband….DOH!! lol

  166.  #166Jennifer on March 12, 2010 at 5:13 am

    hey erica……
    yeah it is the same stuff as months ago. I said here that I’m nearly obsessed.
    And that’s part of my issue. I HATE BEING THIS WAY…
    I’m totally using this forum to vent. I’m hoping if I can get it out of me…it will get out of me. Ya know?
    don’t worry about me feeling judged.
    I dont feel judged by you…I’m way too busy judging myself.
    I’m working on the loving myself. Taking care of myself, honouring my feelings.

    I’m considering the idea that I may be addicted to anger. This is a powerful and protective emotion so I think that it would be easy to be addicted to.
    I have days when I don’t feel angry. But then someone brings up B and I SNAP!!!!!
    I don’t wanna be the crazy woman who goes around freaking out about an old relationship years later. Ewwwwwww. That would suck.
    I feel like I’m in a hole….the angry hole.
    the sides are soft dirt so I can’t find a hand hold to climb out. But it’s deep.
    I’m wondering about digging myself out.
    I’d have to get dirty.

  167.  #167Jennifer on March 12, 2010 at 5:15 am

    @ Tina
    OMG!!!! you’re soooo brave! I would have been super crying and freaked out to have the police stop me. SUPER FREAKED OUT!!!!
    You are super rock star woman!

  168.  #168Aggy on March 12, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Okay I really need to work on this, circular dating is giving me results thanks Rori
    One of my dates is really mad with me now, coz of being called by another man while on a date with him and talking for almost 30 minutes on phone.
    No more fon calls, texts, feeling bad about this
    when I ask him he says, how could I allow that to happen, he is a very good man and now he thinks am not serious with him
    Sirens plz tell me how to go about this
    lots of love to all


  169.  #169Lori on March 12, 2010 at 5:50 am


    WOW! I’d feel angry with you if I were him too! I’d feel angry with you even if I was just one of your girlfriends hanging out with you! I just don’t feel that’s a respectful way to treat ANYONE.

    The point of circular dating is to have a full, busy life so that you don’t focus on one man. I feel shocked that you answered a phone call from another man and the continued to talk for 30 minutes while on a date. The man on the phone should have had to wait to talk to you until you were no longer on a date. By answering his call even when you were on a date with another man, you put your focus on HIM. Exactly the opposite of the point of circular dating!

    The date is when a CD man gets all of your attention for a short period of time. Yes, he has to fight for your TIME to GET a date with you because you are so busy with your fabulous life and dating other men, but once he “wins” a date with you, he gets 100% of your attention for that amount of time, whether it’s just a one hour coffee date or more. And you should be paying attention to him as well and seeing if he has a message for you, or if there are red flags. If he triggers you in some way that may mean you’re working through an issue. Or if he’s telling you he may be the man who steps up and claims you. You can’t pay attention to all of this if you are talking to another CD man during that time!

    I personally put my phone on silent when I’m on a date and call any of my other CD guys who call during that time back the next day.

  170.  #170Turtle Girl on March 12, 2010 at 8:17 am


    You know Some stuff takes a long time to heal. Assuming that we can even identify it and know what it takes to heal it. I have a friend who is still stuck on some of the same issues she has-TEN YEARS. That’s right-same shit-ten years later. She either does not want to do what it takes to heal them, does not know how to, both. I don’t know. There is often a payoff for staying stuck.

    My mom was passive aggressive and stayed that way because it got her what she wanted, and she knew no other way to be. She could not even see what was wrong.

    That’s what I find so terrible, often we want to heal but can’t see what to do. So we bumble around, trying this, trying that and if we are lucky things get better. I think Rori’s tools are one way. There are many others.

    I had a guy I have been emailing give me some lame excuse of why he hasn’t called. He has had my number for two weeks. He said his cell phone broke and his phone at work was just a speaker phone.
    Oh really? No other way to call a gal? I told him I was not waiting around on him either he would call or not. Oh well. I said that most men who really want to call a gal find a way to do so. NEXT!

    I am so bored and sick of men right now. Throughly disgusted with hem all. I feel like they are asshats every one. I know that’s not true but that is how I am feeling today.

  171.  #171Turtle Girl on March 12, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Ok ladies-anyone-feedback here please-

    The whole message Rori talks about with men. How they show up and we get a message. Here’s how I am interpreting this. Here we go-

    I have ads up and have been CD for three months now.
    I have talked to at least a hundred men and maybe met forty. Talk about messages! They are all over the map. So many different kinds and shapes and colors of men! Wow-it’s raining men! And that’s a good thing.
    One of them called me and he was really chatty and airy fairy sounding-light. He talked fast and a lot and I could not get a word in edgewise. I felt like his energy was really pushy and desperate in a talk too much needy sort of way. He emails me constantly and calls and leaves messages and ewwwww. NOT MY KIND OF GUY. So in a very truthful way, with a feelings message I told him this.
    I said I felt like I could not breath. I said his vibe felt needy to me and I felt overwhelmed and tired as a result. I told him I did not want to be unkind but he is not for me and that I am sure some gal will really love his kind of energy.
    He wrote back and said he was sorry and thought he was just being friendly and he would not bother me again.

    It went well.

    What is the message? Is it just that I am getting really clear about what kind of men I like? I think so.
    I also think I am practicing my feeling messages on men that are not for me and honoring me in the process. Any thoughts on this ladies? xxoo

  172.  #172tinque on March 12, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Wonder Woman – If I may. Who we really are, who all of are is love. We are ALL born as pure love, BUT most of us bury it, lose it under layers of pain and trauma.
    When we realize this, as in believe it is there, only then can we dig down and find it, reveal it, let it loose.

  173.  #173Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Brava Turtle Girl – This is testimony for how this works…and the more you practice the Tools, and Telling the Truth in Feeling Messages, as you did…the faster you move. Love, Rori

  174.  #174tinque on March 12, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Turtle Girl – You WILL heal because you desire it. You are seeking/searching for ways to do so.
    The others you mention stay as they are because to change is too scary, too painful, to whatever.
    You brave woman are here. This is huge all by itself. You may not know exactly what to do, but things come to you as you need them or are ready for them.
    “I am getting really clear about what kind of men I like?”
    “I also think I am practicing my feeling messages on men that are not for me and honoring me in the process.
    And yes again…

  175.  #175Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Oh my Goodness, Tina – What a story! And in such a tense and scary moment! This could fall under the heading of a “cute meet” – but more importantly – you were PRACTICING! You made practicing more important than anything…you didn’t let fears grab you and tense you up…Also – if he was cute – it’s okay to say I can’t help but smile because you’re so cute, and because…so you’re REALLY letting out all your fear and staying sane in a complex situation. This can happen just in an accidental meeting with a movie star or a gorgeous man at a coffee shop – something that would throw you off your equilibrium for a moment…so, may as well assume something amazing is going to happen! Love, Rori

  176.  #176Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Erika – thank you for this – here’s the thing…there’s a big difference between “story” and “context.” Going to jump off into a post around this… Love, Rori

  177.  #177Turtle Girl on March 12, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Hi Linda-

    I know exactly what rock bottom is. *sigh* However
    I found this amazing quote from Joseph Campbell:

    “It is only by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble-there lies your treasure. The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you were looking for”

    I have come to believe that this is so. Every single time. I don’t always accomplish it-fear get sin the way. But it is my goal, nonetheless.

  178.  #178Turtle Girl on March 12, 2010 at 10:00 am


    Your statement that I WILL heal really hit a nerve-I burst into tears. Which tells me that yes I will heal and yes, I still have healing to do and I thank you so much for your kind words. And you are so right on. All we are is love. Everything else that we do that is not love is fear in some form. The realization of this-when we know it down to our bones, when we internalize it, that to me is freedom in it’s purest form. I feel that when we can love, and stand strong in that love, with boundaries intact, yet kindness and love on our lips, we will attract only that back to us in the form of a partner.

    It seems to me that the whole mirroring thing is really true, and that we get back what we give out and that our energy/spirit resonates and vibrates to someone that is on our level. And yet I can’t help but get confused by this at times. Still a work in progress.xxxooo

  179.  #179tinque on March 12, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Yes Turtle Girl yes. You got it.
    And we are all works in progress. Even though I have an incredible relationship, I still have work to do. I still stumble at times. I still hear the gremlin voices every now and then.
    Healing and growing is a lifelong process.
    I adore JC by the way. Thank you for the quote.
    Have you seen his DVDs? There are two that I know of, the Bill Moyers series and the mythology series with Susan Sarandon. Both are really, really good, worth watching over and over again.

  180.  #180Turtle Girl on March 12, 2010 at 10:39 am

    I just received an email from a guy-his email handle is B Boy-and he called me “babe” and he said he did not like naggers! And he said he did not want to sit around talking over coffee (my ad said meet for coffee)
    and would rather go to a movie (no talking there)

    SO WOW WOW AND WOW. My take-
    The thing about B boys that so sucks is that he IS A BOY! And why do ya think they call em that? Cause they suck-they are bad for you. A bad man is something entirely different…and well, I am not a “babe” I have a name. Babe is when you know me really well and it is a term of endearment, thank you very much.

    And if you do not want to sit for an hour and get to know me, then odds are, you never will.

    So, since I am not a “nagger” (OMG-he has issues!)
    I won’t be nagging him for a date……..Wow……
    Now here IS a big ole “message” ya think? lol…..

  181.  #181Judie on March 12, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I wrote last week mentioning a man I’ve had one date with and spoken with a great deal on the phone. He is older than men I usually date both in age and custom. He has a hearing aid which is somewhat of a turn off for me but on the other hand he is brilliant, highly educated and does not fear my intelligence. He is very complimentary telling me I’m beautiful and speaking often of how much he cares already.
    This is a post doctorate graduate degreed professional man who used to be a minister and is now in palliative health care, a counselor for those with terminal illness and their families. And one would think he’d have outgrown some of those old 50s beliefs about women! He is 61 years old and clearly does want a committed relationship.
    I really need some advice. The man is not physically attractive to me but I know I can get past that if I can spend enough time with him to have a healthy relationship.
    However it seems in our conversations it’s ‘all about him and his job and his depression and how I am healing him’.
    I’m not feeling heard. I expressed some feelings on the phone last night, that I was feeling depressed and in physical pain as well twice. The conversation once again went to his healing, his job etc.
    I’m feeling angry right now because an old trigger has been hit, the way men treated me before I learned better.
    Also, I want to mention, on the first date he was manipulating for sex, bought me a second martini said he had hoped to entice me with booze, kissed me without my giving him any body language signal I wanted that. But to his credit he felt me freeze and didn’t try any intimacy again.

    He uses a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations which I have to frequently call him on, good natured enough but it’s annoying to me.
    We will tonight have our second date, and I’m feeling I just want to make him squirm because I’m angry. But what I really want is to shift the relating to more balance.
    Rori said this was a good relationship for me to practice ‘ man as therapist’ with.
    I don’t know how to convey to him how I’m feeling, which is really childhood issues of continuous sexual pressure on into my adult life. I’ve already told him’ there will be no sex until I say.’
    I’d like to explore a further relationship with him and I suspect he is following old programming. What can I say to him?

  182.  #182lm on March 12, 2010 at 11:53 am

    sometimes my bf talks about how i’ve changed him and healed him. sometimes it makes me feel happy and proud and sometimes i feel turned off by it, like “ugh. it’s all about him!”

  183.  #183Judie on March 12, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Yes, it causes me unhappy feelings because it’s the wrong focus for me, I don’t want to be a man’s mother or nurse, and so many of them are accustomed to the ‘woman my servant’ mode.
    AND YES, UGH it’s all about him! Hell no!

  184.  #184Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Judie, Try sharing GOOD feelings with him….and when he turns things to himself, say – “I hear the pain you’re in, and I want to be there and hear you, and I’m not feeling heard myself. I’d like to talk about things that feel good. I had a good moment today that felt great..it was….” That kind of thing.

  185.  #185Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Natural Goddess – the thing here is not about your expectations – it’s about your focus. If you can see each interaction with a man as an experience, and not be attached to what happens next – drop your agenda for a specific man – everything will open up for you. Just focus on Happy Ever After, and let each man who shows up be his own person. See what he does. If he doesn’t call you in a week – don’t make anything of it. Just keep dating everyone else who DOES call – including your girlfriends and yourself. As soon as you stop investing so much that your more than mildly disappointed if a man doesn’t call, all will change for you. Love, Rori

  186.  #186Rori Raye on March 12, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Victoria…just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re miserable because you invested emotionally in this man for 6 months…it’s to be expected you’d feel this way. The trick is to NEVER get that emotionally and exclusively involved with a man until you have the commitment you want with him – whatever that is. And exclusivity is not that commitment. I don’t know what’s going on – but stepping away and getting busy with your own life and loves is the only way here – what’s going on with him doesn’t matter at all. Love, Rori

  187.  #187Tina on March 12, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Lol, “why are you so happy?” cause your soooo cute! hehe, thanks Rori 🙂

  188.  #188Simply Shannon on March 12, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Subscribing for now! Ack. It feels good to no longer be bound to media (gave up all access after 7pm for Lent) but I can’t keep up with the blog much anymore. Boo. I miss ya’ll!

  189.  #189Jennifer on March 12, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    I was chatting with B on Msn.
    I say “I’m feeling random” he says Why
    I say “I’m having a hell of a time with the negative voices”
    he replies “I gotta go do the dishes”
    ok then
    big hint for me

  190.  #190Victoria on March 12, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Thank you Rori,
    I read these posts everyday…and they keep me from doing my usual MO of trying to call or email. I need to let him be and fill my life… without him and not invest in the idea he’ll be back.

  191.  #191Tina on March 12, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Thank you, Jennifer. While I was walking the line, I thought Wow drunk people cant even do this test lol. Much later I thought well isn’t that the idea, I’m a dork Jennifer. I”ve never had to “walk the line” before 🙂

  192.  #192Tina on March 12, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    also I had to follow a pen back and forth with only using my eyes, no head movement and stand with one leg extended about a foot off the ground, out in front of me while counting 1001, 1002 , 1003 until he said it was ok to put my leg down, I was up to 1020 something, and it was leg day at the gym for me yesterday!

  193.  #193Natural Goddess on March 13, 2010 at 1:27 am


    Thank you again for your kind words and encouragement. 🙂

    Just after reading that part about “it’s not my expectations, but my focus,” I felt relieved, and I feel more confident that I CAN make this shift. I feel a little lighter about myself and the situation.

    I DO need to get some things off my chest, and I’m feeling really grateful this forum is here!
    Today I felt really triggered into a state of sadness,
    because a friend of mine said that what I told him,
    “I only want to have sex with someone when I feel honored and cherished,” pushed him away, and may have triggered him to reject me. Her take was that I was sending a message that he had to do “god knows what” to make me feel that way, and how could he know what that it? I felt sooo terrrible, and like “I’ll never get this relationship stuff right.”
    So, I’m wondering if I can get some feedback on this, I just though it was a feeling message but maybe I’m off?

    She caught me at a vulnerable moment, because after my date, I had several dreams about my father, and that triggered a lot of healing issues.I really wonder about that one…may say I can’t be with someone until I “heal” all of that, and yet it’s been something I’ve been working on for TEN godddamn years!!! I’ve come a long way, but jeez, I’m 30 and at this rate I could be 50 or 60 before I’m all “healed.” My father abused me on all levels you can imagine, and it’s been a long, hard road.

    I’m going to be transparent here and say that I’m a healer, psychic/spiritual adviser, but wow how humbling it is that I can’t clear what I’ve helped many others do. So sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. In one of the other posts, a few of the coaches here voiced that there is this societal expectation that an expert have it ALL together all the time. I feel very pressured by that sometimes,
    so to admit all this, I feel courageous and like I’m breaking through an old pattern or structure.

    Anyway, I really felt like a failure this whole day!
    being told I keep “attracting rejection” because of my “childhood issues” just made me feel devastated, invalidated, hopeless.
    I was crying so much, went for a bike ride, and on my way back, a really cute guy was walking by the park and smiled at me, said, “Hi, how are you?”
    He had such a GOOD energy about him, just full of life and mountainous vigor, and I found myself being inauthentic!!! I was in the midst of crying my eyes out, and when he asked me how I was, I gave him a quick smile and said “good.” Which was so not true!!! I felt in general I’ve come a long way in expressing my authentic feelings, and I felt so dissapointed in myself! Especially since I don’t often see a guy I’m attracted to.

    I watched him walk away, and even thought about turning back, catching him and saying, “I feel really terrible because I wasn’t being real when I said I was ‘good.”
    I am VERY intuitive and I honestly felt he would be TOTALLY RECEPTIVE to my vibe. Sometimes I just KNOW these things. And yet, I just let him keep walking. Ugggh. And he had such a cute beret on, he looked artsy, and felt so genuine. I feel like I missed a chance to meet someone great right in my neighborhood!

    So later I get to find out through a friend, my ex is REALLY happy with his new girlfriend,. This man has a lot of issues, but he seems to be working through them with her. Somehow that makes me feel like I’ve failed at something or not as good or as much as her.
    When I met him he was in the middle of a divorce and other stuff, and within a week of dating, I called him out on one of his habits. He was trashing his ex’s saying things like “she smelled bad,” and I just said, “When you talk about your ex’s that way, I feel upset, I feel unsafe, I feel worried that it will spill out into what we have and are creating.” He said he agreed, that it was “degrading,” but after that he shut down. We agreed to be friends and three weeks later, he met this girl at a party and said “she’s the one.” We tried to be friends but he totally flipped out on me, totally toxic behavior- like swearing at me and bashing me on every level.
    And yet what I hear through others, is that he’s totally devoted and getting healthy with her? How could this be? It just seems like he learned more of what was ok and what wasn’t with me, and SHE gets to benefit from how I helped him. I really WISH I could just be happy for them, but it seems so unfair,
    this guy who treated my like crap, is narcissistic, gets to have this wonderful woman by his side,
    while I am still alone. I know I may sound bratty, but I just need to get this out!! Two weeks before he was with her, he said he still had strong feelings for me, but could not be in a committed relationship until he worked through his divorce and dealt with his addictions. Wow, but I guess this woman is a miracle worker! More “special” somehow.
    And what’s worse is after the drama with him, I needed to back away from our mutual friends, and now she has totally buttered up to them, so not only did I lose him, but friends too.

    I have counseled so many friends, clients, helped others leave bad relationships and find true love! Even guys I was dating, like one guy ended up meeting his wife through me!!!!
    We were “hanging out,” I said, “I have to show you this store,” and there she was! He immediately pushed me away and ended up having a family with her.

    When is it MY turn?

  194.  #194Jennifer on March 13, 2010 at 6:21 am

  195.  #195Jennifer on March 13, 2010 at 6:32 am

    TG…”there is often a payoff for staying stuck”
    I have often gone at issues for my friends with this idea.
    What is MY payoff?
    What would it look like if I was not this miserable?
    What would I have to give up to be the happy person I want to be?

    If I was not this miserable……it would look like….scary?

    What would I have to give up to be the happy person?

  196.  #196Erika Awakening on March 13, 2010 at 6:37 am

    Turtle Girl,

    You said this:

    “You know Some stuff takes a long time to heal. Assuming that we can even identify it and know what it takes to heal it. I have a friend who is still stuck on some of the same issues she has-TEN YEARS. That’s right-same shit-ten years later. She either does not want to do what it takes to heal them, does not know how to, both. I don’t know. There is often a payoff for staying stuck.”

    And I guess this hits the nail on the head of what is troubling me.

    This is why I’m feeling frustrated reading all the “he did this” “he did that.”

    It is NOT necessary for these things to take a long time to heal. All that is necessary is to make up our minds to heal it and then do something that actually works to heal the pattern.

    And you’re exactly right about why people don’t heal. There is some “secondary benefit” of staying stuck.

    For some people, a secondary benefit can be the support they receive from others when they talk about “he did this,” “he did that.”

    Which is fine if they are truly satisfied with just receiving that support and not actually seeing an improvement in their dating life.

    But who among us are truly, deeply satisfied by that?

    This is one of the issues my system addresses that I don’t see other systems addressing. One of the key aspects of my coaching is that we do the detective work to find out what secondary benefits are keeping us stuck, and then we have a conversation with our subconscious mind to reconcile the “inner conflict” so we can get unstuck.

    For example, many people claiming to want intimacy are actually terrified of it due to early life traumas relating to intimacy. So a big part of their mind says “no it’s not safe, safer to stay stuck.” Until that stuckness is acknowledged, we just go in circles.

    And that’s why I get frustrated and tired of reading “he did this” and “he did that.” Mostly cuz I don’t see it helping anyone get unstuck.


  197.  #197Erika Awakening on March 13, 2010 at 6:51 am


    You wrote this:

    “yeah it is the same stuff as months ago. I said here that I’m nearly obsessed.
    And that’s part of my issue. I HATE BEING THIS WAY…
    I’m totally using this forum to vent. I’m hoping if I can get it out of me…it will get out of me. Ya know?”

    And I was just going to respond and then saw your last post, and those were *exactly* the questions I was going to ask you! 🙂

    Right, so the key is understanding the benefits of being in the same place now as a month ago.

    What I find with myself and my clients is the subconscious mind is always at least ten steps ahead of the conscious mind.

    So it has already anticipated all the “bad” things that are going to happen if we get what we say we want.

    If intimacy was painful in our childhood, for example, you can be sure the subconscious mind will “protect” us by keeping us at arm’s length from intimacy. But we often won’t consciously understand what’s going on.

    This will manifest in “he did this” and “he did that” (e.g., he didn’t call, etc.)

    But truthfully it’s just a reflection of our own fear.

    So we need to understand what we are afraid of, and whether we are substituting one form of attention (such as on a support site) for the kind of attention we really want. Like, if this improved for me, would I lose my female support system because they’d be jealous of my success? Etc.

    We write down a long list of fears of failure and fears of success, and all associated childhood memories. Then we clear all that out. Once it is all cleared, the subconscious mind is usually able to take a previously impossible “quantum leap”

    This is what I fondly call a MIRACLE 🙂

    – Erika

  198.  #198Jennifer on March 13, 2010 at 7:18 am

    hey Erica…
    I’m all over understanding the issues and the fears.
    I have an alchohlic father which = not present.
    I have a couple of “bad touch” cousins which = not safe with men
    I thought I was over all that. I did.
    But when B changed his bank account and put his mother on the paperwork to go into the military I FREAKED!
    Then I didn’t get the emergency number for his unit, then he could have put me on the paperwork and didnt then he applied for an apartment and didn’t tell me..
    So it all feels like not being taken care of.
    Which is a theme with me. And causes me to freak out!!!!!
    My father didn’t take care of me…he got into a car accident and was in the hospital for months, leaving me with my aunt and her heroin addicted husband who slapped my cousin Becky off of her chair in front of me. For eating wrong.
    That was the first time I ever felt that no body was coming to keep me safe. I was three going on four.
    Then the bad touch cousins…nobody came to make me safe.
    the list goes on of times I wasn’t safe.
    But again…I thought I was all over that.
    Then B goes and does his thing.
    So while I thought I was over it..I guess I’m not. and I’m ANGRY!!!!
    I always figured when you were in a comitted relationship you took care of each other. I certainly feel i did my part….and got screwed over for my trouble.
    So ANGRY!
    Maybe I should see my EFT lady this week. Rieke works is Thurs as well…the last time I got my chakras unblocked so that seemed to help.

  199.  #199Erika Awakening on March 13, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Yeah, sounds like EFT time.

    Even with EFT, though, people stay stuck unless they learn the tricks for resolving the subconscious conflicts.

    I know a woman, for example, who has used EFT on weight loss issues for years, and she’s getting heavier not lighter.

    Not resolving the core issues.

  200.  #200Jeannette on March 13, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Rori, I just listened to ‘Modern Siren” and it was truly amazing. But, now I see how I over functioned in my 2 1/2 year long distance. Now I understand why he went away. Is there anything I can say now to bring him back? About my stupidity and desperation? I am only asking because he is a guy who is worth his weight in gold. I have not contacted him in over a week and neither have a heard much from him except for an email, forwarded about prayer and how praying for another is so essential (like that is what he is doing for me now , like ‘I pray that you will get what you want’ sort of prayer). Is there anything I can say Rori or is it the best tactic to just stay the heck a way and lean back harder than I ever knew how. What if he never shows up again? I need to learn how to let go of the fear, I mean REALLY let go. He may already be swept up in another relationship. Please let me know what I can do or should do at this point. I know first and foremost I need to take care of myself. I don’t know if I should pick up the phone or not IF he calls. I wonder if I should be a scarce commodity for a while….or used feeling messages. It’s very hard because he is such a nice man. I mean I have been with several Rori and he IS nice. Is there anything I can do to that I may have another opportunity here? I just want to do this right with him. Thanks Rori and thanks for Modern Siren!!

    Saturday, 13 March 2010 @ 8:48am

  201.  #201Rori Raye on March 13, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Jeannette – this is a process – and it’s the fastest process I know. You actually change all these things you want to change about your reactions, your thoughts, your habits of leaning forward, and your ability to go deep inside yourself and become more expressive, open and trusting – by PRACTICING out in the field with men. This is why Circular Dating works. Not because it “gets you the guy” – but because it gives you a place – even for 5 seconds in line at Starbucks – to practice these kinds of changes. then – things just start to move for you. Love, Rori

  202.  #202Rori Raye on March 13, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Erika – This is brilliant. Heartbeat brilliant. Love, Rori

  203.  #203Erika Awakening on March 13, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Awww, thanks, Rori.

    I just saw your comment to Jeannette and was going to jump off of it …

    I chuckled when Rori said “in the field” because that’s how we call it on the men’s side of the coaching world. They go out “in the field” to practice interacting with women.

    (And, yes, believe it or not, the men you are dating have just as many problems as we women. Really and truly.)

    The “in field” world is called “outer game.” The internal work of becoming more self-loving and self-accepting and strong is called “inner game.”

    What I’ve found to be absolutely THE most effective method of change is to take the “outer game” aspects of a system you like, Rori’s being awesome, and then combine it with deeper “inner game” work, which is what I specialize in.

    I have my clients go out in field and challenge their comfort zone, which inevitably brings to the surface a lot of discomfort and limiting beliefs. Then we apply my system to clearing all the emotional debris that got stirred up and erase the limiting beliefs, then they go back out in the field, and what seemed difficult before has suddenly become a lot easier. A lot more comfortable, a lot more natural, and lot more organic feeling.

    People just start feeling WAY better about themselves, and expecting more from the world, and getting it.

    Rinse and repeat, leading to miraculous results 🙂

    – Erika

  204.  #204Orna Walters on March 13, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Brava Erika!

    I’m so happy to hear about your work as it is exactly the work my husband and I do.

    The outer won’t change much if the inner work is not addressed. What is so cool is that doing the Inner Work allows those “miracles” to happen QUICKLY!

    I’m impressed with SPEED… so I like to deliver efficient, effective and authentic results.

    I’m so happy you are here to support positive change.

    Big Hug,

  205.  #205Orna Walters on March 13, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    This may be very helpful to all the Goddesses here: Anything we do not consciously reject is automatically accepted by the subconscious.

  206.  #206heartbeat on March 13, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    THANK YOU Rori xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  207.  #207mackenzie on March 13, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve recently told my bf of 2 years that I am going to CD and just listened to Modern Siren as suggested by Rori. He has turned around and is paying more attention to me (although this is all very recent), but I’m trying to stick to the advice that this isn’t about keeping him or “getting” him but about finding my own happiness. I listen to Rori’s tapes (also have other programs of hers) over and over again not only for my own good but it keeps me from calling or emailing him by distracting me!

    Interesting, we were “stuck”. I never had any idea that being stuck was so common! Anyway, I’ve had some interesting thoughts out of all of this. I had blamed our stuckness on HIS emotional unavailabilty and even told him that. I now wonder if it was MY emotional unavailabilty that was blocking us. Maybe he is unavailable or maybe he isn’t. I won’t know that until I become available myself. Interesting!

    After trying out Rori’s tools for maybe a month or so, even though I’m still not sure I understand them fully, something very strange happened to me today. I was shopping and heard some music blaring in the store’s speakers and it moved me so much I just wanted to drop to my knees and I was trying hard not to cry. What was this??? I went out to my car and thought that I should try to feel these feelings to the fullest (“get into the soup”) even though I didn’t know where they came from or even what feelings they were (later, I decided the feelings were grief, for what I do not know) but the car was too hot and I felt silly there. But I kept telling myself to feel it bc Rori said if I could feel the grief, I will be able to feel the bliss and I want that for myself. I’m feeling like this is progress of some sort. It just came out of nowhere but maybe some of my defenses are down just from the little work I have done. How exciting for me!

    To all of you out there with bf’s that you miss or want to keep (that is what I am dealing with too), I urge you to just stick with it, try to make your life about you and your future happiness (stay on your bridge) and not about him. If he comes back and YOU want HIM, great. But just give it time and see what happens. Take it slowly. You don’t have to decide anything today. That is what I am doing. I decided that I did not have to make a decision about him one way or another until I felt like it and in the meantime I am going to date other people whether he likes it or not. The hard part for me is to stay focused on the fact that it might be someone else that ultimately makes me happy and not him since I hope that it is him.

  208.  #208Jeannette on March 13, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    Help me out with this guys. I went out on a date with a guy tonight (second date) and he really acts like I’m the one….oh come on!! You don’t even have a clue as to who I am yet!! Anyway, I wanted to come home and call Mr. long distance who I was missing and ask him this. Okay buddy, you have told me several times it about the distance, it’s ABOUT THE DISTANCE…Well, how can it be if I volunteered to move down there? I mean, I am WILLING to give up everything and he still does not bite. Does that sound like it’s the distance? We have known ea. other a couple of years. Anyway should I confront him on that one or not?

  209.  #209Erika Awakening on March 13, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    hey Jeannette,

    Lol, more Goddess-ness on your second date 🙂

    On the topic of confrontation, I have noticed the perspectives on this board are really varied.

    A few years ago, I was the kind of person who really avoided confrontation. And a lot of people here say not to confront guys.

    But what I’ve noticed as I become more and more authentic and spontaneous is, it just happens. If I’m angry, I express it, right then, in the moment, no holds barred. Now, this does not always have a pretty immediate outcome. But I’m not doing it to try to get something from him. I’m doing it for myself, for the sake of authentic expression and finding the places in myself that still need to be harmonized (because anger is a really clear signal that something in my belief system is not in harmony).

    I also use it, kind of along the lines of what I think Orna was saying, to say “no” to what I don’t want.

    Now, sometimes this brings the man closer. Sometimes he runs away. To me, that short-term outcome is not important.

    What’s important is, I’m communicating honesty with myself. I’m no longer squelching myself to “please” other people or walk on eggshells around their issues.

    Short term this has given me mixed results, but I don’t care about short term results very much. Long term, I think it has really helped me. Now that I know I can express myself fully and still be very happy even if the guy walks away, I feel more confidence in my “yeses” and my “nos.” I feel more alive. I feel more in tune with what I really want.

    So I have become a pro-confrontation person. If it’s bothering me, I’m usually going to speak up, regardless of the outcome.

    In this situation, would you be able to speak up and let him go completely if he doesn’t give you what you want?

    Is there value for you (in terms of getting clarity about what you want) in having an open discussion with him?

    I’d be willing to bet a lot of money, given the long distance, that you’re actually not sure about him. The physical distance is a manifestation of the doubt.

    – Erika

  210.  #210Jeannette on March 13, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    You are right Erika, I am not 100% sure that I would REALLY pull up stakes and move down there. However, I get tired of him saying ‘it’s the distance.’ I was sort of putting him to the test at the same time, I REALLY did want to continue the relationship with him however. 2 1/2 years is a long time. Now, I don’t hear from him but occasionally so I will have to assume he has moved on. A woman down there would have the advantage with him because she is physically close to him. It makes me feel defeated. The only thing that could possibly happen is he miss our times together and phone calls. We certainly had intense chemistry or it would not have lasted as long as it did. But I am jealous of any woman that may be in his arms tonight, really….

  211.  #211Georgia on March 13, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Daria, wish u willing to do EFT with me on chatting online 😀

  212.  #212Daria on March 14, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Georgia that feels exciting lets do it.

    Email me at magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

  213.  #213mackenzie on March 14, 2010 at 5:53 am

    I almost forgot why I was really writing. I’m confused about the free therapy thing. I’m dating people but don’t understand what they are bringing me for lessons. Mostly, they bore me and I wish I wasn’t there. It makes me wonder if I really do want a relationship with someone. The last one (last night) texted me every hour up until our first date, called me twice on the way home and has been texting me and emailing me today. That lesson was easy. He’s too needy and I don’t want that! But, the other dates and potential dates all confuse me. None of them excited me with their emails or phone calls. Should I go out with them anyway? Should I go out with them a second time if I’m bored on the first date? A third time? So far, I’ve only been giving guys one date and then I say no more because I don’t feel any sparks.

    I’m confused.

  214.  #214mackenzie on March 14, 2010 at 6:04 am

    Erika, I am in the exact same boat. My guy moved away and I have to face the fact that if he wanted me there he would be asking me to move there too. If he isn’t asking you he doesn’t want you to move. The distance is just his best, easiest excuse. Don’t you want to have a guy that is BEGGING you to move there with him? Who calls you all the time and tells you that he misses you SO much and please come be with me? I say forget the confrontation because it really is NOT about the distance. Circular date, LEAN BACK and see what happens. Maybe he comes around and maybe he doesn’t but right now he does not want you to move and it doesn’t matter what the reason is. The only possible way that he will want you to is to follow Rori’s advice and focus on yourself. He may come around and he may not but either way you will find the right guy.

  215.  #215mackenzie on March 14, 2010 at 6:29 am

    I meant Jeannette. Need more coffee 🙂

  216.  #216Jeannette on March 14, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Mackenzie, you rock girl. And i already know these things in my heart. I am going to do my EXTREME best now to focus on me.. Oh incidentally, I went out last night with a real sweet guy. But, it was only our second date and he kept putting his hand on my leg and even rubbed it a couple of times while sitting in the movie theater. It gave me the heebie, geebies! I had to tell him it made me feel uncomfortable and please ask me before you do that. But, maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe I am just not ready to let another guy put his hand there! Me and my long distance now have a sort of friendship, I mean he calls sometimes but, I think I need to just stop answering the phone and take my power back. How long does it take Mackenzie to unbreak your heart when you have been so humiliated in giving so much and in the end being so rejected in the long distance thing? It still uttererly devastes me and to think he probably does not even care.

  217.  #217Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 7:59 am


    No worries!

    So you say “The distance is just his best, easiest excuse.”

    When I work with myself and others, I do turnarounds.

    “The distance is just my best, easiest excuse.”

    Now why is it I’m only feeling safe with intimacy if he is far away, and when he decides to move to me (as you one guy did), everything goes haywire?

    Because of MY fears. So I dig down and understand those fears, and maybe I remember that I had to put a LOT of physical distance between myself and my family because living with them felt sooooo awful. Ah, now we must dissolve that old karma before ANY intimate relationship can work out.

    I used to have a triangulation pattern, too, where other women were constantly showing up and interfering in my relationships. That’s another old karmic pattern from my family. I erased it, and it doesn’t happen anymore.

    I personally find it debilitating to think of any of this as “he’s just not that into me.” What has worked is finding the root of my own fears (the internal energies I was using to push men away) and applying my system to erase those from my subconscious mind.

    Each layer of fear that is removed, men move closer and more miracles happen.


  218.  #218Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 8:01 am

    I meant “as one guy did” — something that happened to me a while back. I was getting what I wanted, he was coming to me, and THAT is when things got really scary 😉

  219.  #219Turtle Girl on March 14, 2010 at 9:11 am


    I love your comments about your anger. In the Ideal world I believe if I am really grounded and my “issues” are resolved, I would not get angry from anything a man said or did. I would simply be able to respond with my truth and feel that if he is not pleasing me then I can be in touch with my needs, make a decision about what I want and need and how to handle it with him.

    I am not able to do that yet. Still healing. My last angry outburst was what ran him off. However having said that-it is just as well. He is not for me. He can not handle any kind of a womens feelings, much less anger. My old bf who really cared for me would come back after my anger and try and talk to me and wanted for it to work. This last ex man
    is very toxic and any emotion I had scared him shit less. So it really is a dance. I love the thing about you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.

    So if they care for you and want you there-your anger should not scare them off. If so, then good.
    Having said that I still think a calm response and then a calm talk or decision about needs is in order and desired as optimal. Anger is a good warning bell that something is wrong and very needed. This is a big topic.

  220.  #220Orna Walters on March 14, 2010 at 9:13 am

    If ya’ll don’t mind, I’ll chime in here that I can relate exactly to what Erika is saying here.

    My first relationship after my bf beat me up was a long distance one – the guy was in Hawaii. I can look back now and see that I felt safe that he was an ocean away.

    I can even think of times with my husband (when we were dating) when I was afraid to share something – and feeling that old fear I knew I had to get to the other side of it – so I dared to share what I thought would push him away. It actually brought us closer because I was standing in my truth and being authentic.

  221.  #221Jeannette on March 14, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Turtle girl, I am totally with you. My ex could not handle my emotions. It was tough at times because of the distance. He would be discreet and say this is just the way I am….Anyway, and I know it’s not for me to analyze, however, I just wonder now if he was just saying that because he still had very strong feelings for his ex-wife or he really just was discreet as a whole. But, that does not make for good communication at all. He told me once, early on, that he HATES to hurt other peoples feelings. Well, maybe he was just afraid to tell me the total truth for fear I’d slit my wrist or something. What ever the case, I just need to give up trying to understand the logistics because it is what it is as they say……I just know today though, that it’s far more noble to tell the truth than to string someone along.

  222.  #222mackenzie on March 14, 2010 at 9:39 am

    I agree with what you are saying about the LD thing. But, in my case he moved after we had dated for 2 years and when he didn’t ask me to move with him is when I realized we were having an “imaginary relationship” and I bought Rori’s tapes. So the distance is not about feeling safe for me. I hate the LD thing and, like Jeanette, I’d love to move there with him. I think HE is the one feeling safe now. Probably bc I was doing way too much leaning forward before.

    But something Erika just said hit a nerve. She’s right, I’m not sure this is about “he is just not that into me”. He IS into me. He spends a lot of money to visit me and if he wasn’t into me I don’t think I’d hear from him at all. So this whole thing is weird. He’s into me but he doesn’t want the whole thing.

    I am going to do two things: focus on me/raise my difficulty level and see what happens. But, I have to keep remembering that my goal isn’t to get HIM, but for me to be happy with whatever relationship I end up in (underneath it all I still want HIM).

    And secondly, I think Erika is right that I have my own family history problems that make me emotionally unavailable and I need to figure out how to be more available to let him or someone else get closer. I’m not entirely clear on how to do that. I’m trying to use Rori’s feeling tools.

    It’s entirely possible that my bf is into me but just can’t get closer bc of ME. That is a somewhat comforting thought bc it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. Jeanette, maybe the same for your sitatuation? He cares but can’t get close to you?

    But then, if I let him in, HE may get scared, right? Because of HIS issues. I’m suspicious that my unavailabilty is why he stays with me…it makes HIM safe. Am I getting too deep here?

    Rori has helped me a lot because she gave me the idea that I don’t have to worry whether he comes back, stays, can emotionally relate to me, etc. If I am circular dating I can still try for those things but protect myself from being devastated when it doesn’t work out (because I have other guys to make me feel good or I find someone else). I can do all this WHILE he and I are figuring out if we can have the kind of relationship that I want. Before, I thought I had to break up with him – choose. Now I can see if things can work out AND date other people and I’m feeling more relaxed about him.

  223.  #223Linda on March 14, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I have been reading the posts. I feel utterly overwhelmed. Logically I can follow some of the things that are being shared. I have done some deep soul searching over the last year. Worked on lots of issues one by one. Tweeked and remodeled me inside and out.

    The biggest thing that I had to work on was self esteem. I see and think and speak of myself totally differently than I used to. My on again off again relationship with S (the man I chose to walk away from 2 weeks ago) put that to the test. He said I was what he needed and more, but not what he wanted….. fine I am not going to be anywhere where I was not wanted. There were other reasons I left, but the biggest two were he habitually lied, was deceitful and he was not giving me what I needed.

    The idea that there is something subconcsiously in me that caused this to happen or I attracted this in my life just does not compute. I can not even do the turn around that Erika suggests to find what is in me that needs to be cleared out

    I totally have to drop this in his lap. I am not passing the buck or burying my head in the sand about me.


  224.  #224Daria on March 14, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    I see the mirror thing and looking at ourselves the same as men being messengers

  225.  #225Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Yeah that resonates, Daria, but it still leaves open the question whether his ‘message’ is about him or us.

    I always made it about him until I noticed that I kept attracting the same kind of guys and the same crappy feeling situations. I was giving my power away by making it about him.

    When I started taking full responsibility, everything started improving dramatically.

  226.  #226Daria on March 14, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    The message is always about us. What triggers us, what we don’t want, what we do what, what us usus ususususususss.

  227.  #227Daria on March 14, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    the only way its about him is when its about him To us.

    like… oh i felt sucky with him… hmm i was accepting sucky behavior… ok i dont want to accept sucky behavior… i dont like sucky behavior… thank u…

    or deeper… am i talking this sucky way to myself? am i embracing my sucky self and the self of me that is accepting sucky ness?

    or … what else does this trigger…

    or… where is this in my body… what IS this… ? what is the Stranger that IS this look like?

    or what is the sensing look like – ? http://www.focusing.org/sixsteps.html

  228.  #228Alice on March 14, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Wow – I’m new here. Just got Rori’s eBook and her Targeting Mr. Right program. (Rori – I love the sound of your voice – it’s so calming and supportive!) Still floundering a bit on how to put everything into action.

    Question – I know you’re supposed to get the guy to come to you, but one guy I know loves to cook. So he buys all the groceries, cleans up his house and cooks me gourmet meals with all his specialized kitchenware etc. After dinner/sex, he gets up and makes me dessert. I do drive home afterwards, but it feels like he’s putting out most of the energy. He even ran out to my car to get my coat so I could put it on before I went out the door because I was cold. I wouldn’t have thought to even ask him that! But is my going over there still contributing to him not feeling like he’s pursuing enough?

    Do I just offer to order pizza at my place next time and consider that enough of a drip back towards him?

  229.  #229Linda on March 14, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I took full responsibility of my life and have been learning by trial and error about 3 years ago. Stepping out of my passionless marriage after 29 years was the first step. We all have the opportinity to become better if we want to. That is what I chose.

    I have noticed over the years that people give themselves away. By that I mean, if you listen, level 2 or whatever you want to lable it people reveal themselves. They will confess to you usually what their deep hidden self loathed inadequacies are. It usually is not straightforward and that is why listening is so important. Messages are everywhere. Training our hearts to hear them is vital.

    S message to me was about him and his inner conflict and fear. What did I do to attract that to me? I dont know. I think I was the first authentic woman he has ever met and that is what he desires to be most of all. That is all I can come up with.


  230.  #230Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm


    When I first read Byron Katie’s work about five years ago or so, I was super frustrated by her whole “turnaround” concept. When I did the turnarounds, they did not feel “true.” I got so frustrated that I left her work behind for quite a while.

    I’m really a pragmatist at heart. I want results, not just pithy self-help axioms. So I’ll give an example of how I recently worked through one of these myself, the same way I do with a client.

    A man showed up in my life who had many wonderful qualities but also had a side of him that Rori would say is “toxic.” Turns out he had been bullied as a child by his dad, and he has not resolved that stuff within himself, which resulted in tremendous volatility and unreliability. Ultimately, enough was enough.

    Now, obviously I don’t want to attract that energy pattern again. So what do I do?

    I have found two questions to be very useful:

    1. What does this remind me of?

    This particular situation reminded me a lot of my mother’s bullying and volatility. That means I have an energy pattern within me from my childhood that will keep repeating until I get it cleared out of my cellular/DNA matrix.


    2. Where in my life am I doing what I say I don’t like to someone else (and/or have I done so in the past)?

    The answer to this one may not be obvious, but if I am honest and search myself carefully, I’ll find a place where I did to someone else what he did with me.

    Ok, now I apply Holistic Belief Reprogramming to whatever I dug up.

    Consistently, when I do this, I will erase an entire toxic pattern from my cellular/DNA/subconscious matrix, and that particular pattern will never show up again. That type of man and that type of behavior simply won’t show up anymore.

    This is how I have healed my life, one issue at a time.

    – Erika

  231.  #231Tina on March 14, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    My understanding of being/feeling stuck is that we get caught between our masculine and feminine energy (feeling stuck)

  232.  #232Jeannette on March 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I have a thought. I have been on two dates with a man and he is showing an awful lot of interest, but it’s scaring me. Like he is already saying, “Wow I just can’t believe I met you and how we are into this conversation and having soooo much in common. I feel like he is going to try to make me ‘all his’ right away. So, when is the appropriate time to tell a man that I can’t be all his and he has share. LOL that sounds crazy, especially for me to say!! But, I am not going to let him call the shots here..

  233.  #233Tina on March 14, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Jeannette, This is a perfect time to do some free therapy 🙂

  234.  #234Linda on March 14, 2010 at 6:08 pm


    WHy does it scare you? interesting choice of words. Pandoras box is possibly waiting.

    It has been my experience numerous times that a guy I met and dated once or more than once would come on strong like this. I just listened and l thanked, even agreed some times. Let time do its work. Every one of these come on strong guys just disappeared or faded. I did not choose to get to excited or… worried about any of them. Kinda like a new toy at christmas. It gets lots of attention initially and then things settle back to a state of normal

    I am not trying to negate his attentions toward you but instead offering you a calm voice to say dont put lots of energy into this yet.

    HUgs… Linda

  235.  #235Jennifer on March 14, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    hey Linda…
    That sounds like something my Nan told me. She’s 97 so I listen to everything she says. Unfortunatly I dont always apply it.
    She said “a man will always tell you the evil he would do…if you listen hard enough”

  236.  #236Tina on March 14, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    So if the man is my mirror, does that mean I attract repressed angry men? All my life I’ve been around repressed angry people, growing up yeah taking it out on me , I had no choice in the matter, the men in my life have one or two things in common ANGER hm interesting. HOLY SHIT SHERLOCK GET A CLUE ! Where is my emergancy flash light? does this make sense? anyone yoohooo…

  237.  #237Tina on March 14, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I always thought it was me, ok looking at it this way, I can see why they would be attracted to me because this what I am feeling oooooooh. I avoid or try to avoid anger or angry people. They are still attracted to me anyway, they slip in and try to “Fuck with me” I over compensate by being “overly nice” or giving the benefit of the doubt or dismissing my angry feelings or taking shots at people if not verbally, I;ll do it in my mind – just to make me feel better 🙂

  238.  #238Linda on March 14, 2010 at 7:03 pm


    They will tell you the good they will do too.

    Lets inspire the to be better by being the great women that hey aspire to have in their lives.


  239.  #239Linda on March 14, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Geeze… my typing skills are poo.

    Let’s inspire them to be better men by being the great women that they aspire to have in their lives and may I add… accept nothing less than their best.

  240.  #240Rori Raye on March 14, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Alice – sounds good, what you’ve got going there! Change this up by making your home comfortable, cozy and sexy, where you do things you can’t do elsewhere, like arts and crafts or whatever you like to do…and saying you’d love to have dinner at your house, would he like to cook with you? And ask how he’d like you to handle the groceries…give you a list, shop with you (that would be fun!) in other words, let him stay in charge of the experience if he wants, but make it about being in YOUR home and how good that would feel and how much fun it would feel to do it at your house. See what he says and does. Love, Rori…

  241.  #241mackenzie on March 14, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I have a question about the come on strong guys. I just went out with a guy that texted me bunches of times the day of the date leading up to the date, then called me twice on the way home – once to ask me to check my calendar for when I would be available to see him again. When I told him it would be a week, he thought I wasn’t serious. This made think he was too needy and not really serious about finding a “real” relationship or he would go slower and so I told him I didn’t want to go out again. Am I being scared? Or, am I recognizing Mr Bad much sooner? Back to my question of how many times to go out with someone if they are nice but no sparks? I’ve only gone out with one guy twice and everyone else once.

  242.  #242Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Yes, Tina, exactly …

    And then comes the realization (for me at least, this is what happened) …

    The realization that intimacy in my family of origin was HELL.

    And that my subconscious mind made a decision years ago that enough was enough, and that intimacy was to be avoided at all costs. This decision of course not made consciously.

    So while my conscious mind sought intimacy, my subconscious mind fought it tooth and nail.

    OF COURSE it did. All the evidence in my life said intimacy felt AWFUL. It was TRYING TO PROTECT ME.

    When intimacy managed to creep in anyway, it always defaulted to those AWFUL FEELING PATTERNS, because that’s the only kind of intimacy my mind knew how to create. It felt familiar but awful.

    So unless someone or something helped me completely reprogram all those old patterns, my situation was HOPELESS. It got so bad at one point that I wasn’t even having any second dates.

    And then … by some miracle … at my lowest moment several years ago … after about two weeks straight of crying and total despair … Rori told me about EFT. And it was that very week that everything began to change for me, one baby step at a time.

  243.  #243Turtle Girl on March 14, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    IMHO guys who come one too strong too soon always fizzle out or are scary abusers of some kind. Normal men do not jump in that fast with both feet. It takes time to get to really know someone.

    My last two toxic guys were like that. The first one said “I love you” in two weeks and wanted to get married in about three. It was insane. I had not had a date prior for 7 years so very needy, affection starved and vulnerable. He ended up being extremely verbally abusive, and a host of other nasty stuff. I dumped him.
    Then most recent toxic ex wanted GF status in two weeks-he ended up being passive aggressive, toxic, etc. I got rid of him three months ago. Since then I have been circular dating like crazy and things have gotten much much better. More normal men with good messages are showing up. I am not invested in any of them. I am taking it slow and seeing who I want to be with, not the other way around.

    I know now and have read many books since on the topic-guys who come on strong are a big red flag.
    They could be real needy, toxic or abusive. Which is why they want to wrap it up real quick so you don’t get to know them and notice who they really are at a safer distance. Sex with them makes us bond and then we are in trouble. Not good, no matter how you slice it.

  244.  #244Lucy on March 14, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Erika! This is so good and remarkable to read! During a horrible two hour drive home tonight I realized that I have had an unconscious belief “Relationships are all about pain and unhappiness” — ALL relationships, not just “romantic” ones. I was stunned when I realized this — it was such a powerful, emotional reality that hit me — because I never CONSCIOUSLY thought that before. I am so surprised and encouraged to hear that you have worked through almost the same exact thing.

  245.  #245Erika Awakening on March 14, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Lucy, yeah that’s a big mega-sabotaging belief that lots of us have been carrying around (“love is pain”).

    Right around the same time period I mentioned in that post, in the span of ONE week, FOUR different guys I was interested in told me, “sorry, Erika, I just got a girlfriend and can’t date you.”


    Can we say “triangulation pattern”?

    Now, I was utterly distraught and beyond frustrated. I pretty much hated God at that point.

    But how could I make that about HIM? There were FOUR of him, all that the same time.

    Could the Universe be sending me any clearer message that “Erika, this is not about HIM. This is about YOUR fears of intimacy.”

  246.  #246Lucy on March 14, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Erika — This is all very interesting.

    Three weeks ago, my communication with a long-distance guy ended abruptly. Here’s how it ended: we had three separate email convos going about three slightly different topics. So, it was my “turn,” and I responded to all three emails. Then, he responded to ONE of my emails, saying this:

    ‘Sorry, having a really crazy day so not much time to write. But I do think what you wrote here makes a lot of sense. Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it. 🙂 ‘

    I didn’t respond, was waiting to see how he would respond to the other two emails, which were about slightly different things. But he didn’t write any more. I kept waiting. I started to think, well, maybe it is my turn to write b/c he WAS the last one to write. But that email didn’t really have anything to respond to in it, so to “lean back” I would not respond. So I didn’t. I kept thinking maybe he would write again when he didn’t hear from me. But now it has been almost three weeks, so I tell myself “I guess he’s done with me. If he was really still interested, he would have contacted me to see what’s up.” So I have been “letting go” — even though I liked him more than any guy in 25 years! (and the “sabotage” he was referring to was my long-ago college fiance who was amazing and fun and loved me but I broke up with him to sleep with a married man!??!!)

    And this guy pointed out to me a few months ago that sometimes I stop communicating with him for a few days or a week, when shame has been triggered in me, and he just waits for me to work through it and re-establish contact with him when I’m ready.

    SO, like I said, I’ve been assuming that this guy is done with me, has moved on, found a gf, or whatever — and I have been letting go, just remembering him with fondness and love. BUT now I’m starting to wonder if it was really ME who “decided” (unconsciously) to cut off because I was too happy with him.

    What do you think? Or am I just looking for a way to make it not be over? 🙂

    (Tonight I started your 7 day HBR video course — went through day 4 — with LOTS of sabatoging beliefs around relationships, the main one being basically that love brings unhappiness. AND that I always mess everything up. Great stuff! Thanks!)

  247.  #247Tina on March 14, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    So am I challenging myself to see how much anger I can repress? I dont like feeling pushed around, I do let people push me around to see how far they will go or how far I will allow them to push.

  248.  #248Tina on March 14, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I”m sick ugh! My heart is closed, kinda sorta. I can open my heart though 🙂 to love. I feel anxious now because my neighbor friend is online lol, my status is “available” so anxiety is a sign of repressed anger so I must be feeling angry?

  249.  #249Daria on March 14, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    yeah TINA . I realize I REALLY don’t like when Dman or men in general talk about other women.

    Like with Dman and with my not yet named a special name ex I feel UNSAFE emotionally with them mostly triggered by this frequent talk about how some other woman flirted with them, etc

    and i was thinking it was ok yeah, something

    but now I reallize WHOA its IMPORTANT to me

  250.  #250Tina on March 14, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    He’s the one that noticed I gained weight lol. not that my weight is the issue, just his jabs he takes at me. He triggers me quite a bit. My thoughts, ideas, whatever he has opinions , quite negative opinions really about my success or lack of, my dreams and things. He comes on smooth as peanut butter then sticks it to me 🙂 repressed anger? mine?

  251.  #251Daria on March 14, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    I really like disc 1 of modern siren and had Dman all “into” me energetically and was able to feel the lost at sea and waving and communicate my feelings cleanly and cutely without attakcing

    even OOOH I FEEL SO MAD… hehee

  252.  #252Daria on March 14, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    i felt mostly good throughout the looong long call and kept leaning back energetically. and staying in my feelings.

    but at the very end after it i felt drained… it was like saying bye felt draining ick

    blah ick

  253.  #253Tina on March 14, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    I would love to get Modern Siren 🙂 I will soon, dont know when…

    Daria, it’s important to me too 🙂 right now I feel like the Goddess of repressed angry men 🙂

  254.  #254Tina on March 14, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Actually I live in a community with angry repressed people, I feel like ‘children of the corn” movie playing in my head yikes!

  255.  #255Alicia on March 15, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Janette- In response to your long distance.. I have been in the same boat and I did research on “getting him back” – (google that) the advice is great and I found Rori. In the stage of the game you’re in. Trust me do not take his call. All that is your rejection talking, people take for granted what that have until it’s gone. Create that same feeling in him. Also check out. Why men love bitches.. it will empower you. And men respond to no contact.. TRUST ME. I tried it, tested it and it worked. But he doesnt want to feel you are all disappointed and like he failed you. If anything let him call and call and then respond with a text some time days later.. “Wow.. I guess things really happen for a reason, some amazing things are happening. You know what?” – and then leave him guessing. Give him the hunt that he wants, it’s in his DNA..

  256.  #256Georgia on March 15, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Erika I need your help and many thanks in advance 🙂

    I tried to do EFT these two days, I tried everything on it and found my root problem.

    That is when my dad left me when I was 7 and I am attracted to guys who has the same background like mine, lack of parental love, lack of confidence etc.

    The EFT do helps a lot to calm my previous fears. but something weird happened that I feel uncomfortable and I feel like I lost something inside. its like there’s a gap to the previous good feelings.

    What is it mean? is it mean I need to reprogram all?
    or is it mean the root problem is raking up and it blocked my way? if that so, means I need to eliminate it completely? I feel confused

    Thanks Rori

  257.  #257Georgia on March 15, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Erika I need your help and many thanks in advance 🙂

    I tried EFT these few days and found my root problem.

    That is when my dad left me when I was 7. And I found out I am attracted to guys who has the same background like mine, lack of parental love, lack of confidence etc.

    EFT do helps me a lot, it calms my fears. but something weird happened after I found my root problem, I feel uncomfortable and feel lost something inside. I feel like there’s a gap to my previous good feelings.

    What does it mean? Is it mean I need to reprogram all? or Is it mean the root problem now is raking up and blocked my way? If that so I need to eliminate it completely? I feel really confused.

    Thanks Rori

  258.  #258Georgia on March 15, 2010 at 1:46 am

    oops I didn’t see my post. I though its not working and I typed again 😀

  259.  #259Triza on March 15, 2010 at 3:40 am

    Loving everyone’s posts here…really helpful…hugs

  260.  #260Linda on March 15, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Ericka. Thank you for the explanation. It seems a bit clearer to me now. I suppose that if we look hard enough we can find something that someone is doing that reminds is of what we have experienced before. I could have been repeating patterns that I experienced and lived as a child but it was quite an concerted effort I put into breaking those patterns. It was not until I met one man that I gave myself fully in a relationship and once I got a taste of that I want to live like that all the time and am looking for the real deal in my relationships. I feel I can create and inspire others to give and love like that. It has to be modeled and experienced.

    Lucy… something you said is LIGHT BULB. The letter that was written to and the lines…… Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it.

    WOW that is the exact thing I have been dealing with from my last romantic partner. He would come so close and has had a pattern of this for a year now. I have not gotten offened until the last time and walked away from him. It usually isn’t long before he is back, trying to talk to me. For a while I thought that he was just confused, now I see that he is so eaten up with his fear and stuff that works really hard at breaking things down. This time he got is wish. But…. he wrote me the other day and I just wrote back. He wanted to know what the answer was…. to a questions about Gods will. I simply replied, I cant find the answer by myself.

    I feel good about this this morning. I know I attract people that have issues, I have all my life. This does not concern me because this is a part of the purpose of my life. To help others find healing. So when I attract this, I dont panic and look inside me worring that I got the same issue.

    We have giftings all of us do.


  261.  #261Linda on March 15, 2010 at 4:38 am

    I am very glad to have read the letter posted by Lucy Very glad.

    I am so happy when something finally makes sense. I am so much stronger having gone thru this. I will never put up with the behavior that I did from S. If he tries to come back into my life, he wont get in without major changes from him. That remains to be seen if that happens. I will deal with that if it happens.

    I feel a sense of peace this morning. Like I went thru a dark tunnel and not sure what was in there.


  262.  #262Lucy on March 15, 2010 at 5:48 am

    Erika – What happened with your Marketing Genius guy? Was he the same one who was staying at your apartment?

    Are you feeling any better this week than you were last week?


  263.  #263Lucy on March 15, 2010 at 5:49 am

    Linda- I’m glad you found that helpful. 🙂


  264.  #264Jennifer on March 15, 2010 at 6:27 am

    Hmmm….I feel wierd about limiting beliefs.
    Not wierd like “they dont’ exist” wierd like “I know that it’s there and I was sure I delt with it and if I didn’t and it’s an issue and I feel like an idiot.”
    And I’m having a hard time with the idea that B’s behaviour was reflective of my issues. I feel like that’s letting him off the hook somewhat. And I don’t buy that.
    I can accept that I attracted a man with issues. Sub atomic Physics being what it is. But I really feel that as an adult B not only had choice, but a responsibility to treat me well as the man who said he loved me and told me he was coming back for me so we could move away together.
    Changing his bank account, lying to me and putting his mother on the paperwork is not the behaviour of a man who means what he just said.
    So…in the intrests of personal growth. My core issue is “men will hurt you, it’s not safe to be a woman.”
    I get triggered by this alot. Outside of relationships as well as in. Recently the Commander of the Air Base here was arrested for the murder of two women. One woman worked with him. That triggered me HUGE!
    This man had SUCH a position of trust. He was like the father figure for all the members and thier families on that base. For him to KILL one of his own troops. It’s unthinkable. And it’s was a sex thing. Because she was a woman.
    I feel very unsafe as a woman. Danger doesn’t look like danger, it wears a uniform of trust.
    ok….rant over.

  265.  #265Jennifer on March 15, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Actually…rant not over
    sorry girls.
    I went to the psychic fair last night (yeah for fun!) I got a clairvoyant reading.
    The nice lady said that the guides were showing her a picture of me in a suit of armour.
    No one can get in cause if I’m wearing armour and riding around in a tank. As a “brass balled bitch” ( a term coined by a friend of mine) I attract men who want to be taken care of. So I need to work on my feminine balance. She said the guides were showing her yoga and dance.
    I used to dance. I did classical ballet. I was en point for three years. I’ve done latin dance too. That made me happy…lots of hip movement. Muy Callente.
    The guides also said that the idea that I could go back to school to upgrade would be very good for me.
    Interesting the convergence.

  266.  #266Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 8:34 am

    You ladies are inspiring me!

    I’m really wanting to start producing tap-a-long HBR videos on a regular basis covering “hot” topics.

    This morning, after reading some of the comments, I thought a fun one would be:

    “Even Though I’ve Been Angry My Whole Life (and didn’t even realize it) …”

    Lol 🙂

  267.  #267Kate on March 15, 2010 at 10:01 am

    I hope my “Modern Siren” girlfriends can help me out here: I just broke up with someone that I have deep feelings for. We got along great, had super chemistry, he loved my ideas and creativity, loyalty and support that I gave him for the last year & 1/2 while he lost his job. We were BF/GF even though he now is admitting it. I always felt on guard with him since I never felt secure about whether he thought we were BF/GF. I had an opportunity to let him know about all of my “scaffolding” to avoid getting hurt yesterday after our “breakup” following Rori’s advice on how to talk to a man.
    If everything seemed right and going along at a good pace, why did he feel he could not go to the second level with me? What does the second level mean to a man and how does one get there? I thought I was doing everything right & meeting his needs/desires but I guess I read him wrong. I have a career and did not dog him the way some women do. We did not fight but got along fairly well.
    The “Commitment Blueprint” says stay away from him but I feel as if he is on the fence and doesn’t feel the connection right now, maybe he eventually will and if I stay away – he will forget about me. I know he wants to be in love with someone and not really looking for another person right now.
    Please help. I don’t know what to do from here.

  268.  #268Linda on March 15, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Well I got another email from S. It was entitled perplexed and bewildered. He declares that he that he feels no sexual chemistry with me and no physical passion. He continues to then lists all the ways we fit each other and the things that he loves and relishes about me and us. He ends with but after all the greatest thing between a man and a woman is the climax of intercourse. ( Um…. NOT ! It is good but just a part of life.) ….What good is it if I am not fully satisfied with all of you and you dont have all of me to be satisfied back?

    Fine, then go a way and leave me alone. Been there done that. Stop contacting me…Why do you keep questioning it OVER AND OVER and trying to come back? Why beat a dead horse?

    He keeps contacting me, not the other way around and I walked away from him the last time. I am not seeking a relationship with him although I do still have a deep knowing that what is now is not necessairly what will be.

    I believe strongly in healing of our inner selves so that we can have the relationship that we want. IT works both for men and women. I read Orna Walters sight intro. Matthew is a prime example. I believe that who I am is inspiring him to step out and free.

    I am totally leaned back he is the one bothered here.
    I believe that my dream that I have had more than once is prophetic. I do not know what I should do. Confrontation for one but the rest. hmmmm

    I feel strongly that is a prime example of what self sabatoging behavior is. I am not doing it HE is. Limited self belief abounds and Like the letter that Lucy shared… Your unconscious definition of love is something like “I want it, but I can’t have it”. So, if it’s too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it, unconsciously of course. That way you can still feel innocent about it. ‘

    It is not my place to fix him but what is my place?


  269.  #269tinque on March 15, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Ignore him Linda. It’s not worth your time or energy. If a message from him comes in, delete it without even reading it.
    It seems as though there is still a little piece of you attached to this, him? something else? May I suggest you cut this thread.
    Your place is to keep doing what you are doing for yourself.
    Yes healing your inner self will attract the relationship you want or inspire one who is already there to heal, IF that person wants that for him/herself and has the courage to do so.
    In my case I began the intense healing first, and K took my lead, maybe unconsciously, maybe not, yet through our processes we both healed so much and have grown, as individuals and as a couple.
    And we continue to grow and heal, alone and as a couple.

  270.  #270Lucy on March 15, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Linda — “What is my place?” For me, “my place” is loving and accepting myself, and learning to love and accept myself more every day.

    One thing that has helped me SO much with that recently has been going through “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown. The guy who wrote me that email you quoted was the one who steered me toward Brown’s work. I have done healing work all of my life, but The Presence Process offered some things that were a little different and went a little deeper, uncovering some areas still in need of awareness, and providing the means for transformation. I went through it last fall and am getting ready to go through it again.

    You can order it on amazon.com. I HIGHLY recommend it as a complement to Rori’s work.

  271.  #271Earthdancer on March 15, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Face of Love: Today I dare to be ME. I show myself for who I am, without masks, and know that in this willingness to be authentic and true I can be loved and accepted for who I am. I seek to be no less than myself….wow, this is powerful…

  272.  #272Alicia on March 15, 2010 at 1:58 pm


    I don’t see anything on the blog that answers this. What if you broke up with him, because you were scared, going thru a hard time and now want him back? He is someone I feel open too, but is it too late?

    I’m new to your site. Here is my question, I had a good values,hot, great guy. In the third month things were feeling great, he was still very pro active with compliments and telling me how good he felt around me. But, with the economy and hard times last year we were both laid off and he had to move 2 hours away, shortly after we started dating. We continued to see each other. I also had to move home and lost my job and I felt like I was needing him too much becuase everything around me was rapidly changing.
    However, He was very supporitve and told me he was there for me. We had not reached a commited status and when he pulled back a little bit, and with the stress I was under, I got scared and I dumped him. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make it work. But, the timing was just not right and I was firm about it. He then agreed and thought the distance might become an issue. He still wanted to keep trying but take things slow and I pushed him away. But, being a girl, I changed my mind once reality of not being together set in, and now he was hurt and pushing me away.

    We tried to be friends and would text and email each other and it did help at first. However, now I realize this HUGE mistake I made by emailing each other, over all this time. (sometimes personal and sometimes funny forwards). But now it’s been well over six months since we last saw each other. A month ago he said he missed me, my personality and body and hoped to see me this year.. I feel like I am now in a much better place in my life 🙂 I do believe he is dating around but, nothing serious..
    But, I think I made a mistake with the emails ( “funny fordwards” he sends me some and I sent him one last week.) I am done with the emails. I can’t be his friend anymore.. I don’t want to be stuck in friend zone. Have I messed this up for good? Is there honestly any chance? I don’t what I would have done with out his friendship during that hard time, but, now I fear he just considers me as a friend. And that was my fault! Also, He has good pics of me but, guys are visual and he hasn’t seen me. And I want him to call me.. (lol) I think a huge time out is order.

    p.s. I should mention I’m 32. It took years for my heart to be vulnerable and open, due to abuse when I was younger, the healing took awhile, my heart did open with him. I am open to dating other guys but, does this one have to be gone for good? I put it in God’s hands and let it go..

    Please advise HONESTLY!! 😀

    Much appreciated,

  273.  #273Alicia on March 15, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    I don’t see anything on the blog that answers this. What if you broke up with him, because you were scared, going thru a hard time and now want him back? He is someone I feel open too, but is it too late?

    I’m new to your site. Here is my question, I had a good values,hot, great guy. In the third month things were feeling great, he was still very pro active with compliments and telling me how good he felt around me. But, with the economy and hard times last year we were both laid off and he had to move 2 hours away, shortly after we started dating. We continued to see each other. I also had to move home and lost my job and I felt like I was needing him too much becuase everything around me was rapidly changing.

    However, He was very supporitve and told me he was there for me. We had not reached a commited status and when he pulled back a little bit, and with the stress I was under, I got scared and I dumped him. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make it work. But, the timing was just not right and I was firm about it. He then agreed and thought the distance might become an issue. He still wanted to keep trying but take things slow and I pushed him away. But, being a girl, I changed my mind once reality of not being together set in, and now he was hurt and pushing me away.

    We tried to be friends and would text and email each other and it did help at first. However, now I realize this HUGE mistake I made by emailing each other, over all this time. (sometimes personal and sometimes funny forwards). But now it’s been well over six months since we last saw each other. A month ago he said he missed me, my personality and body and hoped to see me this year.. I feel like I am now in a much better place in my life I do believe he is dating around but, nothing serious..
    But, I think I made a mistake with the emails ( “funny fordwards” he sends me some and I sent him one last week.) I am done with the emails. I can’t be his friend anymore.. I don’t want to be stuck in friend zone. Have I messed this up for good? Is there honestly any chance? I don’t what I would have done with out his friendship during that hard time, but, now I fear he just considers me as a friend. And that was my fault! Also, He has good pics of me but, guys are visual and he hasn’t seen me. And I want him to call me.. (lol) I think a huge time out is order.

    Please advise HONESTLY!!

    Much appreciated-

    p.s. I should mention I’m 32. It took years for my heart to be vulnerable and open, due to abuse when I was younger, the healing took awhile, my heart did open with him. I am open to dating other guys but, does this one have to be gone for good? I put it in God’s hands and let it go..

  274.  #274Linda on March 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Tinque…. there is a piece of me still attached. I admit fully that I walked away from him because I had to. Not because that is what I wanted.

    I am sitting behind this computer screen with tears welled in my eyes. I feel a range of emotions like and my boy, girl, drama queen and warrior woman are all doing their thing. I feel outraged, angry, resolute, I feel kicking and screaming, I feel like slapping and cussing. I feel provoked.

    How is it that people make their lives so difficult? Cause so much chaos?

    I want to know Tinque. You said that you and K healed together. I dont feel broken and have spent so much energy on me. This feels like a battle, like warfare. There are things on a spiritual plane that I am focused on. There seems so much at stake. This is hard to communicate. I dont feel desperate to have him, or co-dependant, or afraid to be alone. I have been just fine, feeling happier and free er…

    I have so much welled up inside me, like labor pains and ignorning it wont work. Something is gonna blow up and on the other side is something wonderful.


  275.  #275tinque on March 15, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Linda – I don’t know why people make their lives so difficult, but most of us do.
    It could be learned behavior, habit, addiction to drama, pain, or something else, feeling undeserving, unworthy.
    But it doesn’t have to be that way, and recognizing this is huge.
    You may not feel broken, but your pain tells me you need to heal from something, whether it be something really old of which you have no memory which is not necessary to have by the way, or whether it be something newer, or both.
    I don’t believe you can heal anything overnight. I do believe you can create big shifts though quickly, jumpstarts if you will.
    Most of us have trauma from childhood that shows up when we are grown as in poor relationship choices for one, choosing the same or similar pain we once experienced, but that’s what we knew as love, so we keep seeking that same pain/love out UNTIL we recognize it and work to change these patterns.
    I know I came into my relationship with many old wounds. A rude awakening caused me to become aware of them, or maybe it forced me to face things I knew were there but denied. I worked to heal them, and through my process, K healed some of his old wounds as well. If his healing was conscious, I don’t know. It’s not something we discussed. It just was.
    I have found that men who are open and willing, will take our lead in this, again whether it’s conscious on their part, I don’t know.
    What I do know is that as I grew stronger within myself, as I grew to love and embrace myself, we as a couple grew more deeply and more passionate together.
    I became more open and vulnerable. I opened my heart to him and more importantly to myself, and he responded in kind. I was and am being authentic, and he thus feels safe, and we fall more in love every day it seems.
    This may sound like fairy tale land, but it truly is possible. Sure I have down moments, grumpy days. He interestingly rarely does, BUT it never affects US.
    He can pull me out of a mood so quickly and vice versa. So WE are always “good”.
    So what I can suggest to you is to really sink into all this pain you are feeling. You don’t have to have words to attach to them. Just feel them. It may feel really scary the more deeply you sink. You may feel like you will sink down forever and never come out. But you will come out. The feelings WILL change.
    Write/journal. Whatever come into your head, put it on paper. It’s a wonderful catharsis. If a story emerges from this, fabulous, but it doesn’t have to. It may be seemingly random thoughts, but they are yours, so they are important to give voice to them.
    This will change because you are changing.
    I hope some of this helps.

  276.  #276mackenzie on March 15, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    tinque…you are helping me too. The feelings I had the other day when I heard the music, I couldn’t even label them. For a moment I thought I was feeling love, then I thought it was pain/grief, it was just all this overwhelming stuff in my chest, I couldn’t even tell what it was until I was crying and then I thought it was grief. I have no idea what I was feeling ABOUT. So anyway, other than sinking into them and journaling, how else did you heal yourself? There are some diary websites where you can write and not worry that someone will find what you’ve written on paper.

  277.  #277tinque on March 15, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    mackenzie – it’s a wonderful thing that you are able to release with tears.
    Your question is wonderful, and I may need some time to really think about this, or it may just emerge, as I’m writing right now.
    For me, having a really deep desire to do so was crucial. Anytime I ever felt even a little bit like giving up because it felt too difficult or overwhelming or maybe beyond me, I was able to tell myself I can do this. I CAN do this.
    Being really tired of living in fear, being sick of feeling like I was half living my life was part of the desire. Having a man show up I just knew was worth it was another piece of it.
    I explored anything and everything I felt attracted to and thought might help. Some did, and some did not. If you want a list of tools that I found useful, I can provide you with them.
    Having the support of a very dear person who was always there for me whenever I faltered, yet again, was a huge piece for me, a woman who never tired of hearing my same laments over and over again. She was at first my coach and therapist and has since become a friend.
    You will find that kind of support here. It wasn’t available yet when I was in my deepest healing.
    I let go of feeling shy talking about my “stuff” and let it out with people, friends I felt safe with, and they in turn thanked me for opening doors they were too shy to open for themselves.
    You are going to have to reprogram bad habits, rewire neural connections in essence, and still they will come to call now and then, but their visits become more and more infrequent over time and shorter.

  278.  #278mackenzie on March 15, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Thank you tinque but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to DO exactly. How do I know what bad habits I have? I also have someone to talk to who is in the same boat. It’s SO helpful. But where do I learn more tools? I’d love to hear about yours. And when you say you explored everything you felt attracted to. What do you mean? Books? I ordered the ones that Lucy mentioned today. I’m not finding it difficult, it’s fascinating really although making some of the changes is hard (leaning back).

  279.  #279Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Here, I’ll be a minority voice. Everyone knows I’m a huge Rori fan and that I also share my honest experience.

    The leaning back tool didn’t work for me. For me, leaning back always ended up resulting in stifling myself, and often more disconnection from the guy.

    What works for me, really, really works for me, is doing what I feel in the moment, including LEANING WAY FORWARD until whatever anger or frustration needs to be vented gets vented.

    Once it has been released (though I should mention I have a whole system for this, so it’s not just unconscious anger or whatever),

    that entire karmic pattern disappears.

    And then I just naturally lean back (i.e., feel relaxed), but without TRYING.

    Just had another miracle tonight, with a guy where we had actually stopped talking completely. And now we’re back on good terms again. Because I vented what needed to be vented, and now the energy organically SHIFTED all by itself.

  280.  #280Linda on March 15, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    I got out of the house tonight. Spent the evening with my new Grandson. 2 months old already! I feel better. My son in law washed my car. Wow, was nice to have someone do something nice for me.

    I have journaled quite a bit in the past. I got a list of do and dont wants, feeling, revelations, a mile long. I am so frustrated. This thing that has transpired with S makes absolutely no sense to me. And it is totally not worth any more of my effort investment.

    I was at the nail salon tonight before I came home. I was feeling defeated inside and hearing the words that S wants a sexy figured, stylish looking, woman just makes me grit my teeth and loathingly roll my eyes… While I was getting my nails done and the man who was doing them said… Linda, you look very nice and always look good. Most women … not so good, but you always look good…. I was shocked! I was sitting there running those awful words of S opinion of me in my head and he interrupted them out of the blue! I almost cried, but he would not have understood. I told him my recent boyfriend told me I was not pretty enough to be really interested in. He said he is a stupid man and it is his loss. I sincerely thanked him and had him paint my nails a beautiful red color.

    I feel sad and foolish to have believed S when he contacted me back in December. He is such a shallow, wounded, stuck man. How silly of me to believe him and thing this time would be different. Even after all our talks and feeling messages nothing changed, except I got stronger . It is the same thing again and again. My looks and his dis-satisfaction. To you S I say Good Riddense. I take my golden sissors and snip the string. There is nothing here for me except, rejection and pain. Nothing except a closed door.

    I was going to write him, but I dont think I will. If I feel I need to and it would do me good, I will but not for his sake. Tonight I am tired and this goddess is going to bed.


  281.  #281Jennifer on March 15, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    you GO Linda…
    to HEll with this pseudo man….
    there is a depth of sensuality in EVERY woman..in my experience..it takes a MAN to bring that out. A real man.
    And good on you for taking care of yourself and getting your nails done.
    If you had wallowed and stayed home you might not have recieved this message.
    YEAH for goddess power.

  282.  #282Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    The big shift today happened when I shifted my focus from HIM to both of us.

    We were getting into our same old triggering pattern, and I said:

    “I have no interest in getting into our old drama. All I want is for this to be win/win. There’s equal responsibility on both sides of the fence. We will either both look foolish or both come out of this glowing. Our choice.”

    This message shifted everything in an instant.

    I wasn’t making him wrong.

  283.  #283Linda on March 15, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    You know Tinque…. I was married out of HS to my sweetheart. I carred for him but was never “in love” with him. I was married 29 years. I have had two relationship since (divorced 3 years now). I have to say that each man is VERY different. I dont see a pattern in my choices. I am just not sure what to think anymore.

    What I am so angry about is this repetitive pattern in S. It is the same damn thing over and over. I just am fed up with it and my anger is due to the reason and my trying it again. Maybe I should tell him about the things I dont like about his physical appearance but mostly about his lacking character. Oh wait, I did that once and he said…”stop berating me” LOL I had not even started. I should have left him stranded in florida and never looked back with any hope of redeeming this relationship.

    TOmorrow is a new day with new opportunities.

    Nite for real now.


  284.  #284Linda on March 15, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    THanks Jennifer… I too believe what you said. There are sensual qualities in each of us women and it takes a man to draw them out, help us to feel comfortable displaying them. This is what I was feeling earlier today. S has no idea how or any interest in that. He just wants a display. Actually he very disppointing in the intimacy department most of the time for me. Once in a great while it was good but not often.

    I had a man in my life that was a lover extradoinair. OMG… what a season in my life. Just the mear aroma of him made me tingle….. mmmm

    Ok that was a plesant rabbit trail. Nite and hugs for your support.


  285.  #285Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Where did the words come from, the shift the focus from him to us and dissolve the whole conflict in an instant?

    Repetitive arguments, always leading to the same dead end.

    Where do you find the words to get out of that quagmire?

    Not from rehearsing, not from “thinking” about what to say.

    By tapping on the issue, applying HBR.

    Then the energy relaxes and the right words just come. They literally come from out of nowhere. Once the “stuck” energy patterns have been released, Intuition comes back. Divine Guidance rushes in.

    In my experience, it is not possible to resolve these patterns by deciding what to do or say, or by “nexting” a man. It is certainly not possible by criticizing or blaming a man.

    The energetic pattern must be dissolved.

  286.  #286Jennifer on March 15, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Gee Tinque…that would have been good for me to do with B. He tried the old “we both did things wrong” line…i felt he was trying to not own up to his bad behaviour…so I wouldn’t buy it.
    I wonder what would have happened if I had? Hmmm….ahh well.

  287.  #287Tina on March 15, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    I went to the gym tonight, I lost four pounds of winter fat! I love you winter fat, you kept me safe and warm 🙂 but now it’s time to move on. Anyway, I was walking on the treadmill and out of the corner of my eye I see this man checking me out, peering at me through the pillars, not really looking but looking,kinda secretly hehe. Anyway I pretended not to notice and thought to myself Oh, he is fillling up my honey jar god love him! At first I was feeling kinda self conscious, while he was looking but my brain automaticallly went to Oh he is filling up my honey jar hehe.
    I was busy in my head, t hinking about repressed anger. I could feel my body um going uh soft yeah soft hehe. It was leg day at the gym for me , anyway I did the courtesy wipe when I used one of the machines, and this guy wiped it again after my courtesy wipe lol, I thought ok he doesnt want my ass germs on his face lol,

    I went to the grocery store after the gym and I noticed a man (he is familiar) lives in the same community as me, so doesnt his girlfriend. We were walking, heading towards one another, he looked at me , me looking at him , her looking at me, her looking at him, she veared off to her left, he looked stunned , then followed her down the isle. I noticed the ‘cute” grocery bag boy , hehe, he was so into what he was doing I just had to say something, he was standing at a bin, arranging mr noodles boxes in nice neat order all facing up with mr noodles facing all in the same direction, he looked so in the groove, kinda like the zen of mr noodles arranging. his face was tilted to the side and totally into it. I said, with a big smile as I passed by Wow the zen of mr noodles arranging, he looked up at me with big eyes and said yeah , I laughed and kept walking. I get to my truck and looked behind me still smiling and out walks the couple , I’m still smiling, she wasnt, he was looking at me ugh! lol. I chatted it up with the lady at the cashier too, we chatted about not complaining about the great winter , but not before a man, directed me to the less than 11 items cash. I gave him a big smile and said thank you.

  288.  #288Bliss on March 15, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Erika Awakening that sounds complicated

  289.  #289Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Lol, Bliss, it’s not. I feel curious though what about it sounds complicated.

    It takes me 15 weeks to teach someone my system, but once learned, every problem becomes very simple.

    Every problem with a man can be resolved within ourselves, as soon as we can see what’s creating the problem. And the problem is always our beliefs.

    I even gave away nearly every book I had ever bought, including just about every dating advice book, because they were no longer necessary. There’s almost never any need to consult outside advice anymore, ever.

  290.  #290Tina on March 15, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    It has taken a friggin year to decide for myself which program suits me and my purpose. I bought Rori’s ebook “havetherelationshipyouwant” I thought I wanted modern siren but now I realize I need toxic men program 🙂 I noticed too that in all my relationshps, I have the same agrument over and over again lol. Two of my “men’ have become physically violent, the rest lol verbal bashing, oh cool, I thought hm. I want to take full responsibility for my toxicity and Im feelin kinda brave too 🙂

  291.  #291Tina on March 15, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    For some reason my “agruments’ with truckman seem to turning out good 🙂 much to my surprise and amazment, he always wants to do better, we’ve had two “blow outs” over my jealousy and women , go figure. yeah so anyway, I still have mixed feelings over an agrument sorta, but not really an agrument over a timeline about this one woman in particular. It’s driving me mad crazy lol. I use feeling messages, for the most part. He uses his “big voice” hehe to try and control the agrument . He has never physically assaulted me, although I did say at one point in one of our “blowouts” I feel so angry that I want to smash you in the face with this bottled water, it was plastic but still…he just raised his eyebrows and almost laughed at me. We “fought” until we were both exhausted. Truckman doesnt call me names or belittle me, just I dunno…

  292.  #292Siena on March 15, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Hi ladies, I think I’m missing something and could use some wisdom and insight. I recently identified and have been working to reverse a pattern in my dating relationships wherein the men I date want me to work for/with them. (I’m self employed as a marketer.) In the past when I’ve agreed to this, the work relationship eventually replaces the romantic relationship.

    I don’t want that to happen anymore, so I’ve been working these past 6 weeks or so on cutting those ties and saying very honestly that I do not want to work for/with them. Some of these ties are many years old. As of this morning, I had no more of these types of ties to cut. I was freeee!

    So anyway, today on an online dating site, I received a new message from a new man asking me if — instead of finding out whether there is a romantic spark initially — we could become friends instead and perhaps work together, and then see what develops romantically.


    This is my pattern trying to rear its ugly head again, and I’d like to stop this happening. Aside from saying no, and being honest using feeling messages, is there something else I can be doing to stop this from happening? Am I just being overly sensitive? Is this a a karma thing that I need to address in a different way?

    Thank you!


  293.  #293Tina on March 15, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I love my toxic feelings, I wanna take a dive in my cesse pool. ew it smells bad, I dont like it

  294.  #294Tina on March 15, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    Sienna, your situation doesnt “feel” right to me either blah. You get romance as a perk rather than a natural feeling wonderful 🙂 intelligent, marketeer dynamo that you are and deserve? 🙂

  295.  #295Erika Awakening on March 15, 2010 at 11:15 pm


    I felt so fascinated reading your post.

    Yeah, that’s a karmic pattern for sure.

    Do you remember how it originated?

  296.  #296Tina on March 15, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Is more like a crumb though. Here’s a crumb of romance if you can prove yourself? I would muster up all the courage and go on a date with dude and FIND THE MESSAGE 🙂

  297.  #297Tina on March 16, 2010 at 12:31 am

    The site wont let me comment on the new weight loss post 🙁

  298.  #298Daria on March 16, 2010 at 2:05 am

    Siena – this happened with me with men who dont want to drive with me. similar words… work with me, meet me half way, 50 50 etc…

    so what i have been doing is rejecting htem completely and consistently… that way some have squeezed in that Do drive to me.

    slowly but surely… sometimes i almost give in but it almost seems like its more about me and them… that is I have to “keep on truckin” and rejecting them until I dont even notice them anymore…

  299.  #299Daria on March 16, 2010 at 2:17 am

    just “made” a man visit me by not feeling very invested in it

    he thrashed like a fish and then wanted to come

  300.  #300Tina on March 16, 2010 at 2:27 am

    . Treasure being “off balance.” If what we wanted most of all was to be “safe” – we’d never be in love. And – a HUGE part of ourselves wants exactly THAT – to be safe AHEAD of, and MORE than, to be in love.

    So – choose “off balance” instead of “safe” as much as you’re able to.

  301.  #301Tina on March 16, 2010 at 2:29 am

    That was #5. hm in the new post.

  302.  #302Daria on March 16, 2010 at 2:58 am

    mmm i feel very much like desiring sex rite now

    i made a man leave my house because i didnt want to have sex with him

    and now i want to have sex

    not with him

    it was his first time seeing me in a long time

    you quiero sex

  303.  #303Daria on March 16, 2010 at 3:02 am

    ima starry starfish

    plus me up

    yum yum


    starfish juice woosh yum puddy puddy there mhm

    i want starfish yes i do



    i want it

    u want it

    yum yum

    take take

    beg beg

    fill fill

    yum yum

    push push plushy pushy]

    starfish junky lunky

    grab a twisty
    hum yum a lil tune

    tummy puwnny

    yum yum
    slacka wlacka
    pum pum pum
    jussh jushhh

    fum tummy tum

    lumpy tumpy tump tump rump rump runny punny pun pun

  304.  #304Daria on March 16, 2010 at 3:03 am

    plug me up starfish powerr putty put puto puton nucky nuck nuck nucky nuuck nuuuck nucky

  305.  #305Daria on March 16, 2010 at 3:04 am

    how many girls
    how many yall

    wanna go home with Trigger~~!!

    ummmm 12 1/2

    puf puf pufffpuff puff sucker

  306.  #306Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 5:05 am

    This is an interesting article about the 5 things we do to sabotage our relationships.
    I am resonating with #5.
    It says that we often repeat old problems in order to solve them .
    So, what have I done that looks like that?
    Time for thinking……
    I love my feelings of cofusion. I love my bravery in being willing to look at myself really hard so that I can move forward.


  307.  #307tinque on March 16, 2010 at 7:16 am

    “I don’t see a pattern in my choices.”
    Linda – This might be something to reconsider. I too thought I had chosen VERY different men. But when I really looked at them more carefully, much to my surprise there were things that clearly resonated traits from my mother and my father in ALL of them and not the best feeling things either. They just showed up more subtly in my “better” choices.
    In K though there was so much in him that was different and danced beautifully with my true self, it offset the rest, and the rest forced me to do some really amazing albeit difficult work on me.
    I my transformation, K transformed, and the “rest” transformed too.
    I may be wrong here with you, but maybe not.

  308.  #308tinque on March 16, 2010 at 7:28 am

    mackenzie – I don’t want to take up all the room it would require to list and detail all the tools, techniques, and modalities I tried successfully and not so much, some of which are found right here on Rori’s site.
    I have written about my journey which is available on my site which you can access by clicking on my name, but I am not here to push my products.
    I would be happy to talk privately if you wish where I would feel more comfortable elaborating on what helped me heal.

  309.  #309tinque on March 16, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Tina – it’s working now.

  310.  #310Erika Awakening on March 16, 2010 at 8:30 am

    I’d echo what Tinque said about the patterns of men who show up AND go a step farther …

    No matter how a man started, he was morphing before my eyes into the same old icky patterns from my childhood.

    This is projection. We project onto the world (and men) that which is inside us.

    The only place these patterns can be corrected is also inside us. It’s like we are replaying the same old awful movie over and over until we delete that script from our cellular/DNA/subconscious matrix.

  311.  #311dorothea on March 16, 2010 at 9:14 am

    I have solidified my “no girlfriend” sentiments and invite everyone to take a look or even comment:


  312.  #312heartbeat on March 16, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Erika – “This is projection. We project onto the world (and men) that which is inside us.”

    I’ll be honest – I feel really really irritated when I read this HERE. Yeah, it’s a good theory but….

    …. it’s not the WHOLE truth. And I don’t visit this site to read basic psychology theory.

    What I’m doing here is healing.

    And saying “it’s all my projection” ??…. well imagine if a woman is with a toxic man – is that her projection? I mean she’s already blaming herself, her self-esteem is in the toilet, so now she can add a bit more blame to the mix. Yeah maybe being with toxic men is her pattern, but if she follows her FEELINGS into TRUTH then she’ll likely go through chaos until she sees clearly what’s going on and walks away.

    And that’s person-centred. She gets to decide. She sees her choices.

    I read a comment from someone earlier who ‘felt relieved’ that maybe it was just her ‘own stuff’ and he must love her after all – maybe it is, maybe it isn’t – maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t – but that smacks of a Pain Management strategy rather than a HEALING TOOL.

    Like – ‘he loves me, so I can make myself feel ok after all’.

    Sorry but sometimes being able to say NEXT is a very grand step up. Or no, no and NO.

    Saying NO (open the car window and yell it, ladies) NO NO to what we DON’T want is utterly liberating. Not bad-mouthing men, not making them bastards, not being innocent victims – none of that – just simply NO and NEXT!

  313.  #313Erika Awakening on March 16, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Yes, and *nothing* was more demoralizing than saying ‘next’ and having the exact same man show up in a different body.

    Or using all the tools and techniques correctly and seeing no real improvement in outcomes.

    I offer something different because as hard as it may be to take full responsibility, that’s what actually worked (for me). That’s when things changed.

  314.  #314sia on March 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

    dear linda,
    please don’t comment on S appearance! That would mean he managed to drag you down to his level.
    From what I experienced, appearance is often an excuse – it is right there, so S doesn’t need to think honestly about what could have gone wrong, but find an easy way out which leaves him blameless.
    Think drunken guys in the street which can call you names if you try to avoid them politely – you would shrug that off, right? because it is about their problem, not yours.
    From what you say, that guy has problems and is trying to find any way to blame them onto you, to make himself feel better about himself, isn’t that why he keeps emailing?
    Remember sour grapes tale? Berating something which we can’t have? And it is not like he did have you, even when he was with you – I would say he knew subconciously that he can’t have you, because he doesn’t deserve you, so there was something inside him preventing him from being with you.

    Even though he may think he is right to criticise someone’s appearance, he must know somewhere inside that this is not a thing which a goddess like you would do, so of course he can’t be with you – he doesn’t deserve it!

    So please don’t get dragged into his polluted mind workings!

    I am so happy for you that you received compliment in nail saloon. Remember for 1 person who says a compliment there is a dozen who think the same but just don’t say it aloud. xx

  315.  #315sia on March 16, 2010 at 10:04 am

    hello erika,
    nice to see you!
    I would like to ask about you saying ‘rori recommended EFT to me’.
    Does that mean EFT is similar to Rori? Because you sometimes take slightly different views. Did she recommend EFT for some other issues than that most sirens here face?
    Or are the systems each suited to slightly different personalities/issues?

    I am also very interested in your work with guys. You mentioned inner game, and I would have imagined, if someone gets to be good at that, it shows up in other fields than just ‘the field’. Hopefully it is not all about just to have strong ego. But I heard a podcast mentioning you and that guy certainly didn’t sound like he was going to be my choice of a ‘guru’.
    So in this other field you work – do the changes go only skin deep, as in raised confidence etc? It is a scary thought that you would be able to help someone to attract women and they would be still unattractive individualities.

  316.  #316Siena on March 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Thanks for your comments, all. After I posted my question, I remembered that at one time, many years ago, I had a written goal in a journal that said that I wanted to work with my future husband in a business that we both enjoyed. Yikes!

    That was many, many years ago, but I think what has happened is that I have been trying to manifest that goal in my relationships, and it’s only brought me heartache. I had completely forgotten about having that goal, and have been frustrated again and again that romantic relationships devolve into business relationships.

    So last night, before I went to bed, I made a new goal to reverse the old one.

    I am continually amazed at how powerful I actually am once I clear out the yucky hard shell that I used to wear to protect myself. Feels A-Mazing!!

    🙂 Siena

  317.  #317Courtney on March 16, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Hi Rori

    I don’t know if I’ll get a reply but I’ll try this out:

    I was over-functioning, working seven jobs, managing diabetes, dating, and going to the gym. Well I got raped and was in the hospital for five months. Then back for another three months. I’ve been disabled for two years now. Three months ago I got a part time job.

    On my five or six days off I hide under my blanket and let my clothes collect on the floor. I might not get a reply but just the fact that you are here coaching me is encouraging.

    Before I got my part time job I started online dating a fellow who I wasn’t too sure about. We talked often on the computer. Finally we started dating and he’s so nervous and I’m nervous too.

    We went on one date and had a tremendous time, he sure wooed me girl. But our second date was too soon and he didn’t make it. We’re not rushing. Well I forgave him and we waited to go on another date.

    I go visit him almost every week. He works out of town and is only home a few days between calls. We’re taking it slow.

    Its only been three months since we started this. Was it too soon to talk about love and children and weddings? I’m still taking baby steps to get better..

    I don’t know. Hope you reply.

  318.  #318mackenzie on March 16, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Just wanted to write that I had another crying attack today out of the blue. Does this always have to happen when I am in a car? This time I was driving. I must be going through something big although I honestly don’t know what it is about. I thank all of you for being here and a place that I can talk about this. I don’t think my friends are ready or would understand. I didn’t know I could feel so badly and now I’m not sure the highs that come with these lows are worth it. Better to stay numb? Am I cleansing out old stuff? I don’t even know what the stuff is.

    And Erika, I agree that by leaning back we feel more disconnected. I hate it!! I want to be MORE connected and sometimes I feel that it is up to me to create connections – if that’s what I want. On the other hand, I don’t think he will ever realize how much he wants me (if he does) if I don’t disappear for awhile. He totally takes me for granted so I think I have to do this. And, Rori is right, when I lean back I see him much more clearly than I did when I was so focused on making our relationship better. In the back of my mind, I guess I know that if I want a more connected relationship it will probably have to be with someone else but right now I don’t want to accept that. I still want HIM AND to be more connected. It’s frustrating. I mean “it feels” frustrating to me :-). I’m circular dating but I don’t like it.

    One more time…thank all of you so much for being here…I feel like I’m really going through something huge

  319.  #319Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Siena! I am so happy that you discovered the answer to your question in your journal!

    I find that when I ask a question sincerely like you did, the answer soon shows itself in the world.

    Good for you! 🙂

  320.  #320Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Re: the patterns with men

    I agree with tinque and erika and want to add that sometimes, when the outer behavior looks completely different from man to man, we can discover the pattern by focusing on the FEELING that is common in all the relationships, particularly how we feel at the end of the relationship.

    Here’s how this worked for me:

    I looked and looked for a pattern, but the guys were all so different that I couldn’t find one. I was the one who ended every relationship, but the REASONS ranged from “he’s not attentive enough” to “I’m bored with him and his depression” to “he wants me to be someone I’m not” to “we have no connection besides the sex” etc. No pattern.

    Until I asked myself, how did I FEEL when I was ready to end each relationship? I felt UNHAPPY.

    So I discovered that my unconscious definition of love is UNHAPPINESS. To confirm it, I looked back at my childhood, and yes, I had learned that relationships are all about unhappiness. And further confirmed it by acknowledging that all my siblings are in unhappy marriages (with all different situations, but same feeling).

    So I was UNCONSCIOUSLY repeating the pattern, trying to FIX what I grew up with– trying to manifest an unhappy relationship so that I could fix it and make it happy and relieve the unhappiness of my child self.

    After my marriage ended, I continued to end up UNHAPPY in relationships.

    When I became conscious of this pattern a couple months ago, I did “inner child” work on the emotions and the little stories in my mind (beliefs). I can give more details on that if anyone wants them. Very healing stuff.

    The next step was noticing RIGHT AWAY if the guy I was attracting was recreating that unhappiness, and choosing to walk the other way. It was a step in the process– choosing consciously to not reenact the pattern. Daria mentioned doing this with her patterns in one of the above posts.

    This weekend, I noticed that not only has this been my pattern with men, but with many other relationships as well, and it all fits perfectly with issues from my childhood. I had a difficult weekend with lots of relationship conflict with my nearly-grown kids, and saw the pattern there.

    Then I saw Erika’s free 7-day HBR program and decided to try it on that pattern — the beliefs I had around that pattern — because clearly there were some residual beliefs that got triggered with my kids: “relationships are all about pain and unhappiness” and “I mess everything up” and “I am always the scapegoat” etc.

    And I am happy to say that I was able to reprogram those beliefs! (I had been skeptical, but there was nothing to lose so I gave it a whirl. Thanks, Erika!)

    I am now more confident than ever that I will stop getting into unwanted relationship patterns and find a relationship that is COMPLETELY FREE of the trappings of the past.

  321.  #321Daria on March 16, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    WHOA! I’m still on day 4. Lucy this is awesome. Ok I feel motivated now!! Erika I will get thru this! WAtch out

  322.  #322Linda on March 16, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Sia. Thank you…. I am not going to write him on his level. I feel differently today than I did yesterday. I actually feel in a good mood and nothing has changed in my life.

    SOmeone wrote. “Oh now I can feel better now that I know things are ok or he loves me”… something like that. THat struck a cord in me. I am going to be ok and feel better even without that confirmation that I am loved and special to someone.

    I have this resillience in me. I hate getting kicked in the gut but I seem to stand back up.

    I truely want a companion, partner, lover and friend in my man. I would love to be coming home to him but my dog will do today. I am imagining him and how it feels to be in his arms and to be together. Those are yummy thoughts.

    I was thinking about my sexuality today. Sometimes I think I might be a guy in the brain. lol I think about sex alot. anyway…I was remembering what it feels like to feel safe and accepted by the man I am with. With that in place, I can tune into that sensual side of me that runs deep and true in me. It feels vixenish. I want to feel free like that again.

    I never felt like I be free with S because under lying it all was this ever present reminder that I was not his idea of sexy. I am 51 years old, 5’5 and weigh 138 pds. I could tone up loose bit more but only because I want to. I feel very self conscious now about my body and sharing it with someone because of him. I used to feel so proud to have lost 40 pds and get to a size 10. sigh…. I would see pictures he had on his computer… the random women were hollywood, porno body beauties. I in no way compare to that and I would always feel sad about that, but never said anything. It was a huge roadblock to me… It was like he sucked the woman right out of me. I dont know how to not let that happen. There is an essense of him that I was very attracted to so I and there was chemistry there for me…. it was just when we were together this last go around… he was just no fun at all! I feel robbed some how. I am no prude, wow I feel angry about the rejection on this level. I mean the last time I tried to intiate sexually with him, he was unresponsive and told me to go to bed it was late. Looking back, I should have put on my clothes, gathered up my thing and left. If that ever happens again in my life you can be sure that I will.

    What was his message to me. uggghhhh. they are bad ones and I dont want to think about them.


  323.  #323Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Linda…you said “it was like he sucked the woman right out of me”
    I’ve resonate with that. I’ve been there.
    the good news is…women are a self renewing spring. We really are.
    Yeah for the possibility of filling ourselves back up!!!
    Especially on sunny, breezy, blue skied days.

  324.  #324Siena on March 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Mackenzie, you wrote, “Am I cleansing out old stuff? I don’t even know what the stuff is.”

    My response would be… ask! It works for me when I sit quietly at the end of the day and ask from my heart to answer any questions I might have. And then I start writing in my journal (again, writing from the heart) in a sort of free form way. This usually brings answers pretty quickly… especially if I go back and read the journal. I notice patterns, thoughts, fears, etc. that I don’t necessarily acknowledge in my day-to-day life. Then I write out my ideal resolutions in a way that assumes I already have them. This has been a very powerful tool for me.

    I’ve made a pact with myself that my journal is completely uncensored… if anyone ever read it, they would know my deepest darkest secrets. But, at least they would know the authentic me, also… which is good, right!?

    What’s also fantastic is that I can look back only a couple of months and see how things that I believed and wanted manifested themselves in my life. Without writing those things down, I might have forgotten about intending that they happen, and would continue to believe that I am powerless over the things that happen in my life.

    Lucy… thanks for your encouragement. It feels so great to get answers to questions! I love it! I would love to hear the details of the inner healing techniques. And also, where is Erika’s free 7-day HBR program?


  325.  #325Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Especially on days when I get up in the pink dawn and look at the silver ribbon of the highway moving off into the distance.
    What possibilities lie along the silver ribbon of adventure?
    Early coffee and roadtrip possible adventures are a heady combination.
    Where should we go?

    Hey…I had a quasi poetic moment.

  326.  #326Daria on March 16, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    OMG jennifer i felt like instanly captivated that was sooo freakin cool! I feel jealosu pink dawn and silver ribbon

    oohhh oohhh

  327.  #327Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Hey Daria!…where ya wanna go sister? I got starbucks and a full tank of gas!!

  328.  #328Linda on March 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    I am trying to post my picture out here thru gravitar but not sure how to do it. I have my pictures loaded but my email is different so I am changing it here from my old one.

    Sometimes it is nice to put a face and a name together.


  329.  #329Katarina on March 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    This is my first time posting and I feel scared! I admire all of your bravery for sharing your journies and am self-conscious that the amount of work I need to heal is going to become veeeery evident. I purchased Roris ebook last fall and have been reading the blog/comments almost daily. I feel I’ve grown as much as possible without actually participating and feel STUCK. I feel afraid I’ll be rejected here by the group and that I’m not worth helping. Ha. Hmmm I’m surprised by these feelings and am ashamed to reveal this. I feel like erasing my comments and trying to post again another day. I feel like an insecure 12 yr old in a mid-thirties body all of the sudden which makes me feel amused as people who I interact with in “real life” would likely never describe me that way. I feel like it’s my turn to stand up and give my speech in college again and have buzzing in my limbs, and butterflies. I love my nervousness?

    As I said I purchased Roris book last fall after feeling frustrated in my nearly 10 yr relationship. 3 small kids a dog, cat, fish and a house and I feel awful so much of the time. After learning all I have here I can say that it’s unlikely I would be in this situation had I not been leaning way forward and over-functioning. Either b/c he wouldn’t have stepped up and I would have lost interest, or I wouldn’t have ruined what started out as GOOD, with him rowing, by being in my masuline energy most of the time. To make a long story short, I found out about a 2 yr affair/relationship he was having with a woman 10 yrs my junior. Because of the kids I really wanted to heal myself (after yrs of trying to heal HIM!) to be absolutely sure that I’m not going to leave this relationship only to recreate another similar one. My parents had a very cold marriage and divorced after 25 yrs together. My Father has remarried successfully, yet I continue to watch my Mother picking the same dysfunction for herself over and over. My husband claims he wants it to work. After admitting the affair he continued to see her and lied for months, claiming that he gets things from her that he doesn’t from me. Affection, namely. I put my all into working from Rori’s book and reading here daily for reminders, and have to say I experienced a huge shift in my experience. He ended the relationship for REAL finally and I FELT his energy coming towards me for the first time in, ooooh, 5 years! FLowers, gifts, just like when we were newly dating again. He started being honest w/ me about the other woman, and the barrage of communications he receives from her. I felt really good about the openess we were experiencing….and made it safe for him to share with me. I was always freaking out about things up until recently.

    That brings us to the present. I have failed to mention up until now that he has a drinking problem. I didn’t realize the extent of it because up until now he could rightly say that he was leaving the house due to our tension, and that actually made sense. There was a lot of volatility between us. Now we are getting along better than we have in ages, and he is still going out ALL NIGHT some weekends and drinking heavily. Only now he blames work-related stress instead of relationship. He has been hinting about being “done” with drinking and I can see looking at his lifestyle and trying to make some changes. I no longer address his “issues” with him and have been surprised that he has been addressing them himself. There is a family history of alcholism on his side, as well as mine. My Dad was/is? an alcoholic. Thus far he has been able to maintain a successful professional life…but it seeps through at moments.

    I have severely limited my sugar and have done everything I can think to try to control my hormones and mood swings. This has been a lifelong problem for me. I have been taking care of myself appearance-wise again, and buying myself stylish clothing and eating well. These are all things that used to be important to me that I have let fall by the wayside since having my first child 5.5 years ago. I realized that all of my focus was on my children and him and there was nothing left for me. I am a stay at home Mom as none of my children are school-aged yet, so while it is hard to get my own life the small steps I was able to make worked wonders! All of the sudden I feel cherished and loved again…first time in so long.

    So my dilemna. 🙂 Some on this board may say my man is “toxic,” others won’t like to label him. The drinking is definitely excessive. He has also been diagnosed recently as bipolar. Sooooo….there’s that. I’m just going to jump right in on a present situation as I’m stuck and had some set-backs over the weekend. He was out drinking this weekend. Work-related “stressors, that have nothing to do with me and the kids.” The difference is, he came into the house intoxicated and picked a little fight with me. Going on about “finding someone that cares.” I felt scared. I cried and asked that he leave because I don’t want to be yelled at when he’s drunk. He went back out and the next day I learned that 2 yr affair girl had drove to town (she lives a few hrs away) to find him and confronted him in the bar. Apparently that’s when he left and showed up here angry. The PROBLEM is that I didn’t hear this from him. When I confronted him he admitted it, but up until this point he has been volunteering such incidents, as he doesn’t want there to be any secrets. Now I feel concerned and suspiscious that there may be more to the story, and that perhaps he actually asked her to come. He claims not (her sister goes to college in the town where we live). I got angry and yelled and told him I felt he was being sneaky and that I didn’t want to be involved if he was going to keep seeing her. He claims he isn’t and doesn’t want to. That if he wanted to be with her he would, and he worked hard to get her out of his life and wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. Says he’s given us 300% and if I can’t see that then he’s done, blah blah. Refuses to discuss it further because he’s telling me what happened and I’m hearing what I want to hear. and said he will leave and get an apartment. Said he doesn’t understand what I’m so angry about. I just cant help but feel that perhaps there is more than he’s telling me. He says that I shouldn’t turn my back on him due to his drinking problem. I’m so stuck and don’t know what to feel and hoped that getting this out would make things more clear. But alas no.

    Thanks so much for listening to my venting. I’m feeling yucky with him right now and don’t know if I’m looking to sabbotage things because I’ve been getting what I want and am afraid of losing that, or if the work needs to be more to care less about this particular relationship INSPITE of the rather large family we have together. Stuck stuck stuck.


    I hope you all will let me work through this here.


  330.  #330Erika Awakening on March 16, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    (from dentist waiting room)


    thank you SO much for telling me that about the 7-day course! I put a lot of work and money into producing the course, and it means so much to me to hear that it helped.

    Would you be willing for me to use your comment as a testimonial?

    Yes, it works! My challenge is helping people get over their skepticism cuz it really works and is a great complement to Rori’s programs. It will make it ten times easier to become a Modern Siren.

    Anyone can get the course by clicking on my name at the top of this post.

    Thanks again 🙂

  331.  #331Katarina on March 16, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Oh my I’m so embarrassed! For someone that was so hesitant to write I certainly didn’t have a problem once I got started. Blushing….

  332.  #332Daria on March 16, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Jennifer! lets go to Brazil! or mm Atlanta

  333.  #333Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    When I feel like my life is shit…and sometimes i do. I try to remember these quotes…they’re not exact but you get the gist.

    Chaos is not disorganization..it’s a more complex form of organization. Some Physacist dude.

    “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
    Shel Silverstien.

    They make me hopeful.

  334.  #334Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Darial….mmm Atlanta…souther charm and BBQ. What’s not to love!!!

  335.  #335Linda on March 16, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    I am testing to see if this works with a picture on this email.

  336.  #336dorothea on March 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    yay Linda pretty picture!

  337.  #337heartbeat on March 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    My gawd Linda – you look GORGEOUS!! It feels so good to see you!

    Jennifer – ah yes that feels like poetry – I’m floating on that silver ribbon… thank you.

    I feel so inspired by everyone’s stories and process.

    I’m just back from another lovely meal with a friend. After I wrote my ‘Dear God’ letter (inspired by Liz in Eat Pray Love) good, nutritious food turned up all over the place – meals from friends, even my students offered me cakes and fruit! Wow! I really FELT that love when I wrote my letter, I had no idea how it would manifest – I was so exhausted after all my recent journeys (outer and inner).

    I’m blossoming again and focused on what feels good, what fills my feelings of moving forward and soulful. I’m enjoying my work, its purpose and connections with others, clearing out my apartment and taking care of myself mindfully, seeing friends and sleeping well. I don’t feel disinterested in men, just not focused on finding one, and lots have shown up – smiling and listening, paying attention and the other day (and another meal lol!) an old male friend commented that I seemed grounded whereas I used to seem urgent. And yes I did feel that way.

    Last week everyone stopped talking and listened to me in my writers group – and for a moment I felt quite scared and nearly stopped speaking – then I remembered ‘this is how it is’ and kept focused on words that felt meaningful rather than blathering.

    A message from another male friend (he turns up as a spiritual guide, unintentionally – all sorts of synchronicity happens when he’s around):
    “We are all capable of being assertive but frankly I would just as soon spend my time with those that don’t make me have to be assertive. Our societies offer courses in assertiveness training where I can’t help but feel that society would be better served if the chronically assertive were taking reticence training courses! Give me the kinder, gentler souls any day AND the bonus with them is that I find them more creative than the blustery, assertive folks. So let your thoughts create your future and a relationship of mutual love, support and respect will be your reality.”

    Thank you <3

    So men are turning up as messengers all the time… even though I'm not focused on 'men'. I just keep feeling my feelings, love myself for feeling them and move on. The old stories and patterns just fall away.


  338.  #338heartbeat on March 16, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Linda thanks for mentioning The Presence Process – I looked up the website and listened to Michael Brown – I LOVE this:

    “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling”

    I laughed a great belly laugh – ho ho ho! – when I heard that! A great belly laugh of recognition.

    Then I downloaded the free books and felt a particular connection with these words:

    “This is emotional body awareness: realigning the outflow of our awareness so it is initiated from the emotional body. The intent to activate emotional body awareness elevates us beyond the preoccupation of working with issues. It is not about examining the negativity in our life experience with the intent to extract wisdom from it. Functioning from emotional body awareness is choosing to function from the heart center … The realization that there are not two sides, a good one and a bad one, is essential for us to feel safe enough within ourselves to open our heart center and to keep it open. … Like cleansing the emotional body, activating emotional body awareness while entertaining a polarized experience also requires a journey, a process … it is an experience monitored primarily through feeling, personal responsibility, and a greater reliance on inner guidance. Activating emotional body awareness is therefore a journey of intensified self-facilitation; a state of being in which we behave as though “no one is out there”.”

    Thank you xx

  339.  #339heartbeat on March 16, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Oh hey, another message from Unintentional Spirit Guide (I love how he talks about thoughts – and my messages are about feelings, yet we are on the same channel):

    “I will leave you with this new word that I made up: Optimystic – the state of having the unfailing belief that all your visions, dreams and predictions will come true! There we go – we will endeavour to be optimystic and our thoughts will take care of our futures.”

  340.  #340heartbeat on March 16, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Daria & Jennifer – one more for Brazil, I have the bubbly!

    Siena – I too have a journal like that. I love your comments btw.

    Erika – I’m all for personal responsibility, for staying awake and aware. Hope your dental went ok.

    Time for bed. Night night Sirens xxxx

  341.  #341Jeannette on March 16, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Tell me why men keep on sending e-mails and forwarded stuff after you’ve broken up? Is it there way to soothe their conscience or keep their foot in the door? Or is there way to say, “Hey, ya wanna still be friends?” Anyway, I have not been responding to them….Just fed up is all.

  342.  #342Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Erika – Yes, you may use my comment.

    Re: overcoming people’s skepticism – your offering the free introductory course should help with that.

    Also, although I am routinely skeptical, I am also very open; some skeptics are not. 🙂

    You’ve probably heard the saying “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear” – my sense is that, similarly, with your new system, when the student is ready, s/he will be open to trying it. And, in fact, will be LED to it.

    To illustrate: my daughter has acknowledged that The Presence Process has made a huge positive impact on my life. Yet she is unwilling to take the journey herself at this time, and has even said, “I’m happy that it worked for you, but it’s not for me.” I have felt disappointed, but I have come to realize that she is simply NOT READY for that particular tool/system. She, like all of us here, is on a journey of self-awareness, and I trust that she will find what she needs when she needs it AND is ready to benefit from it.

    Kind of like, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” He has to be thirsty, and he has to trust intuitively that the water will safely quench that thirst. 🙂


  343.  #343Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    it’s interesting my change of perspective.
    I was on MSN. B was on MSN. I really didn’t feel like starting the convo….I feel like…I’m here..that’s all my job is at this point.
    He went away…and I feel ok with that. There was a time when that would have made me soooo anxious. I would have been desperate to keep the contact going. Even willing to “button push” to get his attention. Now..not so much.

  344.  #344Daria on March 16, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    omg i feel so touched by this Jennifer:

    “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

  345.  #345Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Hey Daria…I love Shel Silverstien…he has great stuff.
    I have that posted on the wall in the room where I work with special needs peds.
    I think I should have like a travel mug with that on it so I can read it on my way to work in the morning.

  346.  #346Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    heartbeat – I’m excited that you are connecting with Michael Brown’s work! Did you look at “Naked” yet on his website? (It was written as a blog, but he says to read it in chronological order, as a book.)

    “Naked” is fascinating, and, although I don’t agree with everything he says there, it has been a tremendous help to me. The theory that we unconsciously (and to our detriment) seek our “mother” or “father” in intimate relationships is fairly well-known, but he adds the dimension that we sometimes unconsciously seek our BROTHER or our SISTER!

    That was a real eye-opener for me. It’s a long story, so I won’t go into detail right now, but I discovered that, with TN man — who was far away and wasn’t stepping up to meet me in person — I was looking for MY SISTER, who I NEVER MET because she died before I was born! He even had long, girlish hair, lol!

    My mom told me that my dad’s first words when I was born were, “She looks like the first one” (whereas my older sister who lived did not). I never got along with my living older sister, and, since I knew that the sister who died looked like me at birth, I always imagined that SHE would have been a lot like me, understood me, and loved me. I had been “looking” for her all my life — and “she showed up” as TN man, who is SO much like me, and understands me and loves me – from AFAR, invisible, like the ghost of my dead sister.

    Wow. What a realization that was! And it was an invitation to finally grieve the loss of that sister, to admit to myself and accept that I will never find her in this world because she is not here, and, most importantly, to realize that I don’t need her the way I always thought I did because I CAN BE ALL THOSE THINGS TO MYSELF that I thought I needed her for.

    It has been remarkable. And it explained why I was SO attached to TN man and so desperate to meet him and be with him. Now, since going through that, I no longer feel drawn to him so powerfully.

    I highly recommend “Naked” to all you Sirens. I found it pretty deep and challenging, and I do go back to the section about family of origin from time to time.


  347.  #347Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Hey Lucy..
    that’s a facinating idea you put forward. Does he say that looking for a brother or sister is always BAD.
    I would love to meet a guy who is like my brother.
    He’s a hard working man, stand up guy, fantastic father who is THERE for his wife.
    He and I get along like peas and carrots. IF he acts like an asshole (and it’s happened) he comes out and appologises. If I need help..he’s there.
    I can’t see a down side to wanting a guy like my brother, but I’d hate to be missing something.

  348.  #348Turtle Girl on March 16, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    The whole looking for a brother thing is fascinating. If that is true, then I am fucked because my brother is mentally ill.

    My last husband was mentally ill. My last bf toxic man had been diagnosed as clinically mentally ill by the State. A bf before him was on anti depressants and had huge huge anger problems.

    WTF? This SCARES me. If this is true, then how in the world do I fix that? How do I attract a normal man? God, I feel terrible, have this terrible sinking feeling now about my odds of getting it right.

  349.  #349Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Jennifer and Daria — I love that quote too! It reminds me of the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Have you seen it? I saw it twice, and I actually SOBBED both times! Near the end. My daughter did too.

    We sobbed because we were experiencing the whole movie as a metaphor. Most of the people in the theater were still laughing while we were crying. It wasn’t sad; it was just touching on emotional themes for us.

    We saw ourselves in Alice. We saw how much we all “lose our muchness” while living in this world and how we need to get it back.

    We LAUGHED a ton, too. It is very funny! And wonderful, and healing!

    Both my sons loved it too.

    I highly recommend seeing it. And in 3D!


  350.  #350Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Turtle Girl…no, no. don’t freak out. Sister..that’s HUGE…you See the pattern.
    How many people do you know who can’t see thier patterns?!?!?!!?
    Yeah for seeing pattern!!!!

  351.  #351Lucy on March 16, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Oh, Turtle Girl, please don’t be scared! I feel EXCITED for you, because if you are seeing a pattern now, you can fix it! It is actually a huge ray of HOPE for you now!

    I think the website is thepresenceportal.com. Click on “Naked” in the sidebar. Then locate the section where he talks about brothers.

    TG, you will HEAL this need to find your brother in your relationships!

    I can help you work through it, too. I would be happy to do that.

    I have to go drive my son back to college now. Talk to you all later!


  352.  #352Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    there is no chaos only more complex patterns of orgaization.
    When I was in the third grade…I had a crush on a boy named Adam. We were both kinda outcasts in the third grade class. The teacher hated us both (that bitch was NASTY). I had all my hair cut off the summer before school started and looked like a little boy somewhat. So Adam and I were buddies.
    We hung out and walked around together at recess.
    I developed quite the crush.
    Some of the other girls got wind of my crush. They “told” on me. Suddenly Adam didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
    So I guess the message there was…I was ok when I was “one of the guys” but not so much as a girl.
    Couple with that the bad touch cousins who make it not safe to be a girl and WHAMMMO
    Geeze its kind of a wonder I don’t bind my breasts and shave my head.

  353.  #353Erika Awakening on March 16, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    OMG, Jennifer, Yes!!

    This is one of the things I talk about in my speeches to guys.

    I’ve worked with guys who have crippling approach anxiety (meaning, they see a woman they want to talk to, and they are too terrified to approach her).

    Most guys are trying to solve the problem now, today, with tools and techniques. And for the most part, it DOESN’T WORK.

    And when we dig down, they have EXACTLY what you are talking about … something happened with their second-grade crush that was CRUSHING and their subconscious mind never got over it.

    So 20, 30, 40 years later, they are still petrified of women because of that one bad experience.

    And when we clear that out of the subconscious mind, everything SHIFTS organically, and they are no longer scared, and their outcomes start to improve 🙂

  354.  #354Jennifer on March 16, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Hey Erica…old taumas suck!
    Dear Universe.
    Hey…thanks for the revelations. That helps alot. I guess if I hadn’t left B and started working with this blog I wouldn’t have met these fantastic women and done the work and thinking I’ve had to do.
    Then I’d be carrying this stuff around forever. OR untill I snapped and went nutso.
    So that worked out ok.
    There is not chaos..only more complex patterns of organization.

    I’m really interested to see what you have comin up next for me.
    Thanks again.

  355.  #355Linda on March 16, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Heartbeat. Dorthea… thanks for commenting on my pic. It does feel nice to connect a face with the words… it is more personal and real I think.

    I am gonna read and catch up tomorrow. I have been reading and journaling. Working on getting me more centered and such…. My eyes are tired and wanna close… headed to bed.


  356.  #356Turtle Girl on March 16, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    thanks so much, but I have no clue as to where to being as to how to fix this. Right now I just feel sort of hopeless and clueless.

  357.  #357mackenzie on March 16, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Siena, thank you so much for your thoughts. I just got home (11:30 pm Eastern) and am going to go straight to finding a private online diary website and start my journaling. Also, I signed up for Erika’s HBR video course. I hope to have answers soon. I think I’ve been living in a cacoon my whole life and am coming out now. I’m not sure I liked the feelings from the last few days. They hurt but something tells me this is a good thing in the long run and I don’t want to go back into the cacoon – although I thought about it when I was in the middle of it.

    As far as the family thing my current bf IS my father. My father has never told me he loved me. I’m not sure how capable of love he is. He cares about me but doesn’t really love me. I’ve never bought into the idea that we find these people so that we can fix the past. I think we just find these people because we are comfortable in these poor relationships because we are used to them or that we just don’t know how to relate to other kinds of people. Not sure the goal is to fix anything but if we can fix them, great! I’m just not hopeful my boyfriend will change but I’m curious to see if I change if he will change.

  358.  #358Tina on March 16, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Is it just me or what? I cant post a comment on the newest blog post “losing weight and feeling misery”

  359.  #359Erika Awakening on March 16, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Oh hooray! Just got my first “teaser” photo back from my shoot in NYC.

    All I can say is, so THIS is how the models in Maxim and SI look so good. Every woman needs to know this so she won’t be comparing herself to magazine covers, lol 🙂

    Wow, what a Goddessy-feeling moment 🙂

  360.  #360Georgia on March 16, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Lucy – what you describe is excatly true, you hit the nail on the head.

    My love for my father was unconditional love. He didn’t love me and showed me care. he was an abusive father (we rarely close). The day when he passed away I felt really lost. The other part of me is missing him and the other part is waiting for him to love me back.

    I realised I should let him go. I let him go so I’ll be free. he doesn’t need my true love anymore , wish him have a good life in his new life (in my dream last year,he told me he was going for reincarnation and told me to be strong ).

    so from now on I took my back my love to love myself. So I can find my true happiness.This is my life.

    Before this, I kept giving love to men without asking to love me back until I feel exhausted and escape. some of them wouldn’t believe it. they thought it must be hidden agenda or something. but the moment I left (when I feel exhausted) and they come back I feel not worth to accept what I am deserve to get.

    I love what Gary craig said about ” Dreams become missions and missions become consistent thoughts that, in turn, become your reality ”

    My new dream now is to find my own happiness. like Rori said ” Assume the best ”

    love you all

  361.  #361Daria on March 16, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    well i got scared of ghosts when i was like 2 or 3 by the lady caretaker and its still my biggest fear- yes i will heal this

    i got rejected by a boy i had a huge crush on at 5 and felt not good enuf for the men I want and I HEALED THIS! yay me

    oh and at 4 this music teacher told my mom and me i had no ear and couldn’t sing… been singing off key ever since… unless i warm up my voice for a few minutes and then magically i sound good…. hmmm
    i will heal this

    oh and they said i wasnt flexible for gymnastics in kindergarten – and now my hip is tight – i will heal this

    I just added i will heal this to all of them hehe

    oh and i wanted to be a boy so im not “ruled by my hormones” – i will heal this

  362.  #362Daria on March 16, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Turtle girl –

    when i want to heal something i write on the blog or somewhere usually public:

    dear angels… i want to heal this… thank you

    and it is duly healed without any effort — i notice it later as i look back and im like wow… umm i guess that IS healed now…

  363.  #363Daria on March 16, 2010 at 11:38 pm


    Today when my parents got back from the trip, and my dad said something mean to me… i felt bad and was about to keep tolerating it… and after a few minutes i said I felt upset being talked ot like that

    and he yelled oh yeah! you think im not upset!! you think im not upset every minute!!!!

    and i said stuff like im upset too, and we yelled a lil bit and i did not get overwhelmed or flooded…. and he was like what do you want…

    and i said very clearly: i want to be talked to nicely

    and that was the end!

    and i went upstairs and felt good!!

    and now i feel soo glad!! i stood up for mylsef! it was easier, i think i did great job with the EFT lady i was working with, SUBTLY

    2. A man drove to see me!! i talked about this before… he said he’s never felt the way he felt when he was watching me moving around in the kitchen, and after he left my house…

    he said that he had thought it was too much all that i wanted ie him to drive to me from far away, take me out etc, but now he realizes that this is actually something he liked it and WANTS to do it and will i date him!



    oh and EFT lady like reverse psychologized me to where i though ti was not making any progress and now realized i made progress on every step as my answers to questions were polar opposites of before… and she ON HER OWN said we don’t have to have the last 2 sessions, and that’s how I had been feelings… everything is lining up and im feeling great!

  364.  #364Georgia on March 16, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Daria… get on msn 😀

  365.  #365Erika Awakening on March 17, 2010 at 12:10 am

    Way to go, Daria 🙂

    I’m doing Rori and Daria style saying “no” to what I don’t want, which right now is the large number of requests for free advice.

    I remember with my rental when I raised the rates (which it was fully worth), there was this quiet period where it was as if the Universe was testing me whether I would “cave.”

    I didn’t, I stood firm, and the rental is going gangbusters in the middle of the so-called recession 🙂 I feel delighted by it 🙂

    (it helps enormously that I applied HBR)

    So here’s to saying “no” to what doesn’t feel good and what is not worthy of a goddessy child of God.

  366.  #366Erika Awakening on March 17, 2010 at 12:13 am

    I enjoy coming up with new ways to say “no.”

    Impertinent, bratty, curt, polite, silent, surprised, aghast … 🙂

    Cuz each one is an opportunity to communicate what I *do* want, and why I am worthy of it.

    And the more my subconscious mind hears those sentiments, the more it says, “damn girl, yes, you DO deserve to have what you want.”

  367.  #367Daria on March 17, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Erika – yes indeed… and yes haha to the “quiet testing period” shhhhhhhh!!! testing in progresss

  368.  #368Rachel on March 17, 2010 at 4:52 am


    THanks for sharing about your rental. I own a bed and breakfast and I’ve been going back and forth about raising my rates. This is a good confirmation! I am not being selfish or greedy … but I deserve to be well compensated for the hard work I do and the excellent atmosphere I create for my guests. Yeah!

    Hey.. does anyone have Rori’s recent e-letter about how to stop obsessing? She had two points in it and I can only remember the one! I wanted to journal about them and when I went back to re-read the email, it had somehow been deleted.

    Help… anyone?! If you could just cut and paste here or at least list the two main points of what to do.. that would probably job my memory! I know one of them had to do with looking out the window and finding something meaningful to do. Can’t remember the other one to “save my life!”


  369.  #369Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 5:32 am

    Auggg…I just deleted an entire post! WTF! my keyborard is screwy! WTFÉÉÉ no question marks!!!
    But only here….it`s ok on FB. WTFÉ
    Daria: I love the idea of posting my blocks to be able to get rid of them. Sooo. I`m gonna post some and then tap on them and then type DELETE!!! To tell my subconcious brain that they don`t count anymore.
    I am just going to bitch from here on in…so feel free to skip the rest of this post.

    Third grade teacher told my mother in front of me that `people like her don`t graduate from highschool better teach her a skill so she can support herself` then she tried to fail me. I had to go to the board and take testing to prove I wasn`t developmentally delayed. Really the issue was that I wouldn`t answer questions from her cause she terrified me. DELETE!!!!!!

    Mean boy at youth group when I was 15 looked me in my face and said `well, you ARE ugly, aren`t you`

    B`s mother told all the neighbours and ME infront of my mother and nanny that he would never marry me. DELETE!!!!!!

    B`s father told me that woment today are whores cause they live with men before they are married…while B and I lived together. DELETE!!!!!!!!

    My dad said that I was too heavy in the thighs and better not eat ice cream DELETE!!!!!!!

    An old boyfriend J was really mean to me when I went to the gym with him. He yelled at me cause I didn`t know how to use the machines. DELETE!!!!

    The gymnastics coach in highschool said I was too heavy to be a gymnast. She held an end of season party and told me not to come. DELETE!!!!!!

    ok that`s enough for today.

  370.  #370Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Hey Rachel. Here ya go.

    Dear Jennifer,

    Have you ever felt completely obsessed by a

    Where you can’t eat, sleep, or look at a
    telephone without thinking about him?

    Where you spend most of your time trying to
    figure out what went wrong or why he hasn’t
    called, or why he’s all of a sudden so distant?

    I remember that feeling of dread in my stomach.

    Most of my clients have been through that –
    sometimes over and over again.

    Doesn’t it just make you feel like you’re back
    in high school?

    Like your hormones seem to have complete
    control over your body and your mind and you’re
    just living off of the crumbs he gives you?

    Or what you remember he once gave you?

    It doesn’t have to be like that.

    Just because we’re women, because we’re
    sensitive, kind and caring doesn’t mean we have
    to give ourselves up to keep our men.

    In fact, it’s just the opposite.

    We keep our men always moving toward us by
    reducing their importance in our lives.

    Sounds easy, I know, but truly – there’s a way
    to make this change for yourself that’s not hard
    work or painful – it just takes a step-by-step
    approach, and you have to know the steps.

    I remember a man taking over so many of my
    thoughts that it seemed like he was taking over my
    life, too.

    And I remember that happening over and over
    again, like a record I couldn’t turn off.

    It would be a different man, but the same

    I felt humiliated.

    But I figured it out, and when I did, the
    record stopped and the men who showed up were
    completely different than those men I’d been so
    hung up on.

    That’s when my husband showed up, and I was
    able to fall in love with him, let him pursue me
    and WIN me, marry me – all without hearing those
    obsessive thoughts in my head.

    And if I did it – I KNOW you can.

    Here’s a Tool to help you get started:

    Even if you’ve never had a full-blown
    obsession with a man, where you can barely
    imagine living without him and always live in
    fear of him breaking up with you, have you ever
    run your schedule around him?

    Made your plans around him?

    Watched what you said and didn’t say around

    Wanted to make him happy and make him love you
    so much that you forgot how to just be yourself?

    Thought his moods were your fault?

    Thought when he withdrew that what you needed
    to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”

    Well, the first thing to do that will work the
    fastest to reduce the importance of a man in your
    life (even if he’s THE most important thing – I
    don’t want you to allow him to become the ONLY
    important thing) is to stop doing all of the

    That means – no scheduling around him, no
    making plans around him, no watching what you say
    and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or
    make him love you, no “nice” and no
    “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t
    do makes YOU unhappy.

    The second thing is to get something else
    IMPORTANT into your life.

    And that would be YOU.

    Here’s how it works:

    You look out a window and imagine what it is
    that you love (aside from him).

    Imagine the love in your heart, all that
    energy and sweetness and passion, going out the
    window to that thing you love – it might be
    painting, or the beach, or giving to those less
    fortunate, or helping people in your special,
    unique way.

    Of course, I call this Tool OUT THE WINDOW.

    These two steps sound easy, and they are.

    If you’re willing.

    Because before you can make any kind of change,
    you have to want to.

    And it’s hard to want something you’ve never
    seen or done before (except with men you don’t
    care about).

    It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it
    work, that it WILL work.

    And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my
    own life, and in the lives of all my clients.

    It works.

    You won’t be the one woman it doesn’t work for.

    No matter how unusual you believe you are, no
    matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how
    scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel
    right at this moment, it will work.

    *** If you’re with a man right now and feeling
    frustrated that he isn’t moving forward to a real
    commitment, you’ll get so much help – specific,
    detailed Tools and a clear understanding of what’s
    going on with him and your relationship – from my
    Commitment Blueprint program.

    It lays out a 7 Step plan to triggering his
    intense desire to wrap you up in a lifelong
    commitment – and it WORKS.

    You can find out more and try it out right here:


    Let me know what happens when you use the
    Blueprint’s 7 Steps (there’s a great section where
    real women work with me one-on-one onstage
    learning to do “Power Speeches”) – I know it will
    help you.

    For now, let’s work with this Out The Window
    Tool to help you with obsession:

    As soon as you stop doing all the man-pleasing
    behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two
    things happen:

    One, your man, or the man emailing you, or the
    man you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee
    shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY

    He’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll
    probably be the first woman he’s met who doesn’t
    need to think about how HE’S doing before she
    thinks about how SHE’S doing!

    He’ll notice that there’s absolutely no
    pressure in being with you.

    He’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to
    be yourself instead of wondering and caring what
    he thinks about you.

    He’ll notice that you TRUST HIM enough to be
    yourself instead of wondering and caring what he
    thinks about you.

    And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful,
    mysteriously sexy thing for him to be with a
    woman who puts herself first, he’ll be like a kid
    in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

    You’ll see his energy come toward you in a
    different way than you’re used to.

    Instead of working hard to get his interest,
    instead of working at being smart, clever,
    charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to
    notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever,
    charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

    You lean back, and he leans forward.

    And that’s only step one.

    *** Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive
    with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests.

    He gets to be around while you share your
    deepest feelings about small things – like the
    weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you
    took last year – and almost immediately, he
    starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with

    And he leans in toward you. And he listens to

    And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to
    him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so
    comfortable with you, he tells you everything.

    Because you’re so not caring about impressing
    him with how you understand and hear everything
    he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able
    to just lean back and listen, and

    BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING,
    instead of always doing around him all the time,
    you completely capture his attention, his energy,
    his heart.

    And this is how it works.

    Even with just this bit of information, you
    can completely turn around a relationship you’re
    already in, or completely change your love life.

    These two steps will change your mind set – the
    way you think about being in a relationship and
    what you have to do to keep it going.

    Other Tools, in these e-letters, my Have The
    Relationship You Want ebook and all my programs
    will teach you how to speak from your heart in
    words that really express who you are and how
    you’re feeling in a way that connects you
    instantly to nearly any man.

    *** If you’re with a man who is all of a sudden
    withdrawing, and you’ve tried everything you know
    and are starting to feel powerless to bring him
    back, try my Reconnect Your Relationship CD

    You can try it out for free for a full 30 days
    before you even have to decide to keep it, and in
    those 30 days, I know it will change your life.

    Go ahead and listen to some of it right here:


    Let me know how “Reconnect” works for you –
    it’s very, very powerful, and I look forward to
    hearing from you about it.

    *** Here’s a letter from Lizbeth, who turned
    things around so fast – overnight – she’s amazed:

    “Hi Rori,
    Maybe not even 5 minutes of me sending this
    message, Jim buzzed my apartment! He held me and
    told me how much he had missed me (the last time I
    saw him was Sunday) – What the?

    Surprised, … u-huh. I’m staring at this man
    with eyes as big as jumbo marshmallows and not
    knowing what to say. It was awesome!!! There was
    absolutely no tension, and it was like there was
    never any worries or problems between us. BUT I
    DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!! I don’t get it!!

    Today he worked during the day and I just got
    home from working the evening shift. I didn’t
    call nor did I feel the need to. Sigh. Big sigh.
    We are planning on seeing each other tomorrow,
    according to him. And I’m just going to let him
    do all the work. In the past, he would show up in
    the morning and we would go off and do our thing
    for the day.

    Now all of a sudden things have gotten back to
    what they were. I can’t help but feel really
    cautious about stuff since it seemed like such a
    180 over night. Just like you said. Wow,
    unbelievable and what do I do to continue this.
    Nothing, right? Lizbeth”

    If Lizbeth did it, with just my Reconnect Your
    Relationship program, you can, too!

    Let me know how things are going for you, I look
    forward to every success that happens for you.

    Love, Rori

    P.S. If you’d like to send me a comment, a
    question, a problem for me to work with in these
    e-letters, or a Success Story — please e-mail me
    at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com.

    I’ll be able to respond much more quickly if you
    keep it to a simple format:

    1. One or two paragraphs, please, and

    2. Get as specific as you can – the details help
    me really get a feel for your unique situation.

    Also, please feel free to forward these e-letters
    to a friend – and let her know she can get in
    touch with me and start receiving her own letters
    by going to [sitelink]

    If you’ve already downloaded my Have The
    Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If
    you’d like to get it now, follow (or copy and
    paste) this link:


    The eBook is the foundation for all my work,
    including these eLetters, so getting the basics
    will help you use everything else you get from me.

    If you already have the ebook, get the Heart
    Connection Toolkit – just listening to it over
    and over, instead of to the nasty Voice we all
    have inside our heads, will raise your

  371.  #371Georgia on March 17, 2010 at 5:51 am

    I love Rori, I love you so much. Thank you

  372.  #372Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 5:52 am

    hey Rachel…I copied and pasted the e letter you asked for. It says i`m awaiting moderation. I don`t know what that means. Can you see it.

  373.  #373Lori on March 17, 2010 at 5:52 am

    I have been noticing lately that my CD guys that I’m most attracted to are all workaholic types who work 60-70 hours per week. I feel like it’s my fear of intimacy that triggers the attraction to them. These are not emotionally unavailable men as I’ve been attracted to in my past, but they are still unavailable in a way due to work commitments. Perhaps I feel “safe” knowing they are stuck at work-not out chasing other women, but also not free enough to spend alot of time with me. While I enjoy my “me” time, I also realize that I’m still repeating a pattern of sorts.

    I do feel it’s an improvement over my previous tendency to be attracted to long distance relationships and prior to that emotionally unavailable men, but I really want to move past this so I can have a real intimate relationship. But I just don’t know how when I feel truly more attracted to these particular men than to the others that have more time to spend with me. Any suggestions?

  374.  #374Rachel on March 17, 2010 at 6:38 am

    Thanks Jennifer! I can’t see it yet – hopefully soon – before I start obsessing again! ha!

  375.  #375Jeannette on March 17, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Gosh I am SO scared. I just got on Match.com after not being on there for 3 years. Mainly due to being in my long distance relationship. But we broke up (his decision more or less) but he called me last night, just to see how I am. It was a casual conversation. I think I just am tired of feeling lonely. Well today I got on Match and cleaned up my old profile and I thought they were going to keep it hidden, but to my surprise, they reopened it so the public could see it without me knowing. Anyway, I got 2 e-mails and I got nosey and re-subscribed for a month, it was sort of fun. I know this is going to sound bad, but I am afraid my ex is going to get on there and see it and lose even more interest. Like he’ll say to himself, “Gosh, I guess that didn’t take very long!” Or that I am going to look desperate or something. I just don’t know if I was really ready to do this or not! I need support girls!! I still love my ex!!! Help!!

  376.  #376Erika Awakening on March 17, 2010 at 7:47 am

    Hey Rachel,

    Sure thing. Yeah, that’s one of the ways I do it is to really pause and take stock of what it is I’m GIVING to the world, whether it be with my presence or a rental, etc. Because our subconscious mind will only let us have and keep things (that includes relationships) that are win/win. Otherwise, we feel guilty, and that is THE great saboteur.

    My rental a couple of years ago was one of the first areas where I systematically applied HBR. The income increased immediately without changing the marketing. Often inquiries would come in right after a round of tapping.

    This is one of the many examples that convinced me HBR works!

    The rental income went up 65% that year in the middle of the worst part of the recession. I wrote an article that was published on Gary Craig’s website about it.

    It’s now looking like it’s ultimately going to triple from the original level, if things keep going the way they are going now.

    This is so wonderful for me because my expenses are high right now from building a business, so it helps me have enough to do that. 🙂

    Even just in the 7 days of the video course, you can learn SO much that will help you do what I did.

    I have an attracting abundance audio product too 🙂


  377.  #377Rachel on March 17, 2010 at 7:47 am


    This is the perfect position to be in! As long as he thinks you are just sitting around waiting on him, he doesn’t need to step up! Knowing that you’re out there living and that there is the potential of other “competition” will be the best thing to make him stop and think!

    And … the most important thing is how it will make YOU feel. You will have options!! And although you still love him, when you are receiving the attention of other men, it changes your vibe so that you DON’T feel desparate! You will be having fun and creating a beautiful life for yourself and he may find himself wanting to be part of it again. And then … YOU’LL have the choice!

    I say “Go for it, girl!” And may the best man win!!

  378.  #378Erika Awakening on March 17, 2010 at 7:53 am


    Yes, exactly! Every time a belief or memory cycles through to conscious awareness is a moment of opportunity.

    If we consciously look at the belief and say,

    “that belief (that my dad wrote on my walls) is NOT true,

    “I refuse to believe it any more,

    “I choose to erase that belief and adopt a new one,”

    we have just taken a huge step toward manifesting a brand new, way happier life.

    I’ve manifested much faster results when doing this *with* HBR, but even if I only raise my conscious awareness by noticing and consciously replacing the beliefs, there will be some improvement.

  379.  #379Erika Awakening on March 17, 2010 at 7:55 am

    I *love* getting emails (like I just got after those two posts) that say:

    “Check will be in the mail today.”

    Hooray to passive income!! 🙂

  380.  #380Jeannette on March 17, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Rachel, thank-you so much for being a cheerleader. I was reading your message earlier about how to stop obsessing. You reported one was looking out the window and….well, did you find out was the other one was? I just need to turn my brain off!!! Thanks again!

  381.  #381Jeannette on March 17, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Rori, I have a question here….my ex long distance sends me emails, just forwarded stuff and sometimes sticks up at the top stuff like….”How is everything your way? Hope you have a great day!” Now, should I answer this stuff or what? Lately I havn’t been and last night he called me just to see how I was. I really don’t want him thinking since he broke up that I am just hanging around and nothings changed. Last night, as I said I answered his call and we talked about 15 minutes but I really think he called because I have not been answering his e-mails or sending him any forwarded stuff. I think it’s good that he wonders I guess but where do I draw the line? Show I email or not? As far as picking up the phone, I pretty much do that if I am home with whoever calls, I am not a game player.

  382.  #382Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Have been reading posts daily, but not commenting. Really like the idea of posting my blocks in order to heal so here goes:

    Felt horribly awkward & “visible” in school because I grew faster than anyone. Just wanted to blend in not stand out. Guys still say, “Wow, you’re tall.” when we first meet. My (shorter) brother always teased me. I am only 5 foot 8 and a half but still feel self-conscious sometimes. Only wear flats. Flat flats. The flattiest. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    Tired of being attracted to men who aren’t attracted to me. And being relentlessly pursued by men I am not attracted to. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    I get so scared that good things in my life won’t last (mainly romantic relationships) because they never have. It is so hard for me to believe that I can sustain a healthy, fun relationship. My thoughts get in my way. I trip myself up. I WANT TO HEAL THIS.

    I become attracted to men who lean back. I WANT TO HEAL THIS and be immensely attracted to men who WANT me & SHOW IT.

    I am jealous of my sister. Things come to her easy. Super easy. Love. Romance. Everything. She has great self-esteem. I WILL LEARN FROM HER.

    Thanks for listening. ~ 🙂 Ah, Deep breath.

  383.  #383Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Can you remember the FIRST time you felt each of those emotions? The inciting incidents? Like when was the first time you felt jealous of your sister? What happened to make you feel like she got everything easy?
    I think (and I’m an ametuer here so take this with a grain of salt) that it works best if you find the FIRST time you felt that way. I think that the first time you feel an emotional trauma is the key to clearing it out. I think it’s like a pearl. Pearls start with a small grain of sand or what not in an oyster. The oyster gets agitated and proceeds to cover the grain of sand with nacre. That’s the pearly shiny stuff.
    I think our subconcious does the same. You feel bad about situation A. It makes your subconcious think you’re in danger some how so you develop a set of beliefs and behaviours to keep you “safe”
    So for example…..My third grade guy…I liked him. He rejected me when he found out. That hurt. Like really, like for years. So in order to keep me safe…If I found a man attractive, I would get soo flustered around him that I couldn’t hardly have a convo with him. But it kept me safe see? He couldn’t reject me cause I ran away.
    Does that make sense?

  384.  #384Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Jennifer, I see what you’re saying & I think the first time I was jealous of my sister was way way back when we were kids. I was probably 7 or so. She is 5 years older. My Uncle used to take her out all the time. Sometimes I would get to tag along, but not often. He would buy her things. A few years later he became one of those inappropriate touch relatives. I actually I got away from him before anything happened (a few times) but never told anyone or even really acknowledged that it happened. Just stuffed it & I remember waking up sometimes during the night hyperventilating. It had been while I was sleeping that he tried to touch me. I think that maybe subconsciously I saw myself as being only worthy of men physically somehow. That they wanted my body, but didn’t deem me special enough to take out & buy me things (like my sister). It wasn’t until very recently that my sister told me that he had tried stuff with her too. She just slapped him away & it didn’t seem to bother her.

    I don’t know if I am just reaching for something here. I mean, nothing actually happened to me physically. But I did seem to put a lot of my worth into how I look for most of my life – even now I guess.

  385.  #385Jeannette on March 17, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Rori, I guess, what I was asking earlier is just how far back to I lean? Please let me know!

  386.  #386Jeannette on March 17, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Rori, one more thing….During our conversation last night (he called me), during the conversation he said he was listening to a CD his daughter made for him and on it is “I NEED YOU NOW.” A song that he sent me once when we were dating…….hmmmm…why did he bring that up and was that the reason he called? I should have said something but didn’t, just listened to him. Anyway, if you would please look at the last two of my submissions above when you have time. I know I have much to learn here!

  387.  #387mackenzie on March 17, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Jeannette, I think you and I are in similar boat swith LD bf’s that we are leaning back from. The only difference seems to be that I am still seeing my bf but circular dating (although I don’t think he really believes I am just yet) even though I told him I was going to date other people). I know you want Rori to answer, but I would say talk to him IF YOU WANT TO. If he’s calling then you are still leaning back. IF YOU called HIM it would be leaning forward. I’ve stopped initiating anything with my boyfriend. I answer emails when he emails first and I don’t call but I take his calls or call him back IF he asks me to. So far, I’ve mostly been doing this just to take Rori’s advice and so far I’ve seen improvement in our relationship but still nowhere near what I would like to have with a man someday. Every day, I get a millimeter close to doing it instead because I REALLY AM looking for Mr Right instead of looking for current bf to step up. I still secretly hope that current bf steps up. But, I’m starting to BELIEVE I deserve much better and I think I will be less patient waiting for current bf to get there. And actually he isn’t really my “boyfriend” since I am dating other people now. I told him that I wasn’t going to be anyone’s girlfriend until I had what I consider to be a “real” relationship. What I liked about Rori’s advice is that I can still see him instead of break up with him while looking for what I want. Before that I could never seem to break it off with him and stay broken up so this is way less hard.

  388.  #388Daria on March 17, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Jeannette – WOW. The leaning back worked! he CALLED YOU! It’s working… I would now lean so far back I stumble back and fall backward on (soft cushions)!!

  389.  #389Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    hey Goodheart.
    So we’re looking for patterns to lead us to core beliefs so we can clear these beliefs and therefore change our patterns, yes?
    So, what do we have? We have bad touch uncle….and please do not minimize that. Yeah maybe you “got off easy” but as far as I’m concerned there is NO way that having a grown up even try to hurt you is no big deal. It affects you.
    You are only attracted to men who aren’t attracted to you? Hmmm….might that be “safer” than men who ARE attracted to you? You run screaming from men who DO pursue you? Like a late night sneaky uncle?

    That’s intersting…
    Men don’t seem to want to buy you things….they only want you for sex? Might that be a pattern established with the uncle?

    Again I’m not a professional therapist or anything. But these might be patterns to look at?

  390.  #390mackenzie on March 17, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Jeannette, an easy way to think about it is that you are a goddess and you can do and say what you want, just remembering that goddesses do not chase after men. So, if he calls and you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you think it’s nice that he mentioned the song, tell him. Just don’t say it as a way of getting him to like you. Just say it if you really feel that it was nice (being authentic). Leaning back doesn’t mean being icy, it just means not chasing. In your case, I can’t tell if you really don’t want to talk to him anymore or you are open to some kind of relationship. If you don’t want to talk to him, tell him that. If you are open to a relationship you can be nice in response to what he says.

  391.  #391mackenzie on March 17, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    My question for Rori…sort of following on the theme of that I am probably afraid of real relationships with men for many different reasons. Now that I’m circular dating, I only go out with men once as I decided that they aren’t or could never be the ONE. How do I distinguish being a picky goddess from just being plain afraid. They always want to go out again and I know I say no because I’m afraid it’s EXACTLY bc they are Mr Wrong again that I am attracting. Is that because I have a better radar or because I’m afraid? I can’t tell.

  392.  #392Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Jennifer, thank you so much for your insights. I have tried to look for patterns in my dating/relationship life. And you are so right – that was a core belief in me for a very long time that men only wanted my bod, basically. And I finally figured out that it stemmed from my uncle. I believe I have healed that part, finally. I have had many men I’ve been attracted to treat me well. The last guy from a couple months ago brought me flowers, nice thoughtful gifts at Christmas, he was a gentleman. We did not have sex though we had a strong attraction to each other (my choice). We broke up after 3 months. Roll the cliche reel, please…

    He said I was a great person, everything a guy could want, blah, blah blah. Yet HE didn’t want me. And…

    A man I’ve known for over a year has pursued me even though I have told him over & over that I am not romantically attracted to him. And here is where I’ve been putting in my late night study sessions & I’ve come up with this:

    I am not comfortable around him as far as being affectionate, playful, etc because I feel he is not comfortable with himself. I like a man who is easily affectionate (not aggressive mind you). And this led me to…

    Does that mean I am not comfortable with myself since men are supposed to be our mirrors? Hmmm. Don’t know. I have no problem being affectionate when I am attracted to someone, but if I’m not just the thought of intimacy is like a big yuck. So, then, I wonder if I just need to let my playful, girly girl out more. Is that why I’m meeting these men who seem feminine to me? There have been several lately. One-daters. I just can’t get past the feminine thing. I want manly men. With hair on their chests lol! So am I too strong?

    My head hurts now.

  393.  #393Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Hey Goodheart.
    I struggle with the Feminine engergy thing too. I think I have a more “masucline” energy. A psychic I saw told me this is why I attract men who want to be taken care of in some way.
    I attribute this to the idea “it’s not safe to be a girl” I got that one from some bad touch cousins.
    I also have “armour on”. Again…I attribute this to the idea that I’m not safe. It’s hard to recieve through armour.

  394.  #394Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Wow, Jennifer. That makes a lot of sense. We toughen up to protect ourselves. I don’t want to protect myself anymore. I want to receive.

    I want flowers.

    I want chocolates.

    I want kisses.

    I want strong arms to lean on.

    I want my lawn mowed. (just thought I’d throw that in!)

  395.  #395Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    ME TOO!!!
    I want someone to worry about me a little.
    Iwant someone to check my tires.
    I want dinners out.

    I wonder if Rori has an “armour off” tool?

  396.  #396Tina on March 17, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    I got into an agrument with my son yesterday morning *snif. I felt sad, he told me or yelled at me lol “DONT TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! he turned down my drive to school. We argued about his time management Can mom say TIME MANAGEMENT! I do over function for him, or at least I have since he was born. He came home from school that day and we talked about going out to buy him a pair of shoes, which he needed but he expected me to pick him up a pair, I said no! I’ve been saying no, I said I;ll just take this money and buy myself something nice, forget the shoes you need unless your coming with me. He agreed to come, but started making excuses, so he tells me STOP MAKING EXCUSES! I was like waaaaaaaaaa? anyway, we went, we had a discussion in the truck, I said to him, my biggest fear right now is that you are not prepared to move on to your adult life, that’s not want I want for you, I want you to be successful and when you leave the nest and spread you tiny wings I want you to fly, not hit a pole or something, ok ! he said I can get a job , I can find an apart ment, i can do this i can do that on my own. ok I said, what about NOW, like your school work? it all ended on a happy note, we got the shoes, he went so far as to wanting to get the same happy face t shirts, which I thought was funny, he said next time we go shopping we’ll wear the same t shirts, that made me laugh.

  397.  #397Soignée on March 17, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Dear Girls,

    to have some flowers, please try my example.
    I said to a man who is interested in me. I was abroad and I needed him to pick me up at the airport and I called him saying flirting:

    “Honey,do you know that your Princess is coming back?”
    ” He started smiling. And I continued: “Darling, and do you know that the Princess loves flowers?”

    It was enough that he brought me my favourite orchids!!!

    I huged him a lot after receiving them and showed the joy.

    It is that simple. And after all he calls me always Princess.

  398.  #398Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Jennifer, I think the tool is about “unzipping” your heart. Rori talks about this in modern siren. It’s visualizing that you are literally pulling the zipper down on your heart & letting it be open – to everything. I try to remember to do this when I’m with everyone, either gender.

    Armor might be a little tougher. A can opener? Lol

    Baby steps I think.

    I also think you’re a lot softer than you thinkI. I can feel your feminity from here 🙂

    Soignee, I like your technique 🙂

    I want to feel looked out for.
    I want to be missed.
    I want sweet surprises.


  399.  #399Tina on March 17, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    My first reaction was to ship him off to his grandmothers house. 🙂 she would love that! and so wouldnt he, she gloats at my failure as a mom. She was not a “good mother” I have a lot of issues with my mom, a lot of repressed anger grrrrrrrrrrr. My mom would be the first person to stab me in the back. I cant say NO to mom 🙂 she’s a master manipulator, mind effer, but every one thinks she is soooooooooooo sweet.

  400.  #400Soignée on March 17, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Dear Goodheart:

    please use this, you will have a great emotion. Play, be an actress.

    You enter the room, you see the guy, you give him a great smile and say him
    “Honey, I know that you missed your luck. “Give him a smile and a kiss. And continue: “And I missed you, too”.

    Please try. Please play. Enjoy, be joyful, a flirty goddess.
    Saying the word “luck”referring to you, will be associated in your man’s mind with a great emotion and that YOU are his luck.

    Play. I did today, it was a great success.

  401.  #401Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    OOOOO Tina…I feel angry hearing about your mother. I HATE that. Especially the part where other people think she’s sweet. I feel like “really…pay attention shit heads”

  402.  #402heartbeat on March 17, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    LOL Erika – I LOVE this: ‘I enjoy coming up with new ways to say “no.” Impertinent, bratty, curt, polite, silent, surprised, aghast …’

    I can really get that, it feels fun and interesting. I’m imagining saying NO from different parts of my body…. interesting – my left big toe says NO in a cheeky way, my right shoulder says NO in a don’t mess with me way, my stomach says NO in a deep healing way. I’m practising from all bits of me!

    Lucy – I’m excited too, I’ve been into Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson for some time; also body work, and using spontanious images (drawn or imagined – I use this in my work a lot). I’m grateful for the books and I love anything that focuses on feelings.

    I’m feeling REALLY tired tonight – just a couple too many threads going on at work – if I could clone myself…. so I’m taking an early night and a lot of zzzzzz. I’m appreciating all the comments Sirens. Night night xxxx

  403.  #403Soignée on March 17, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    I will be a great goddess. I will communicate in short feeling messages, in playful messages, I will create emotions. I will be associated in the guy’s mind with “sun, love, happiness, lightness, kindness, feminine energy”. And if someone is going to be bad with me, I will be bitchy. This will be my new me.
    I will be a mysterious woman, real to me and hard-to-get. Only the very right man, who will actively love me will know the whole me. The other people not. I will be a CAT woman. Indipendent, soft and hard.
    It is my dream. i am working on it. I am playing and enjoying the coming spring.

  404.  #404Tina on March 17, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Jennifer 🙂 she would call and leave messages say 5 in a row demanding that I get off my computer, so I can talk to her about picking some some shit she doesnt want, like a dresser , could be a table whatever, she thinks she’s doing me a favor by giving me her crap lol or I mean she trys to convince me what a great thing she is doing. She has a “master manipulator voice” I’ve learned to recogize.

  405.  #405Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Soignee, if only I had a man to play with! 🙂 Right now I am in the waiting for him to show up phase.

    Where were you a couple months ago? LOL

    I was actually attracted to someone then. But I will keep this & I promise you the minute I want to work magic on some deserving fellow, I will pull it out & let you know how it goes. Thank you. You know, I will actually practice this in my mind for when the time comes!

  406.  #406Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Master manipulator voice……DELETE!!!!!!!!!

  407.  #407Soignée on March 17, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Dear Girls,

    I discovered a great thing. Every woman knows about it. I knew about it. But it was confirmed and re-confirmed by so many people and men, especially.

    The men find the woman very attractive when she does not pay attention to him.
    I started finally to relax. Before I showed in some way that I cared or showed the attention with smile etc. But I discovered that the men find the woman attractive when she does not show any interest in him. “Why, me, the bestest thing forever in the world and this woman does not see me? “This is the man psychology.

    I finally relax. The men will find me more attractive when I do not care. Such a relief. Such a break. Such relax!!! My God, I love that I do not have to over function, to try to please. I can finally relax and do not care. I will take care of myself. I will spend my energy on me. And I will be more attractive to the men in this way. I will be hard-to-get.

  408.  #408Tina on March 17, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I could write NO on my butt cheeks and flash her as I pass by her house hehehe.

  409.  #409Soignée on March 17, 2010 at 2:58 pm


    I will try every possible play and joke and everything what I find ok.
    i will be a master of flirt. I will play.

    My real-me will be discovered step-by-step. It is not necessary that everybody around me knows my real sensitive, kind “me” where I can be hurt.
    no, no, no. I will be a mysterious Cat woman. And i will play. But the man who will love me will discover my true “me”, vulneralble, sensitive, kind, weak and he will go crazy. Because I will be me with him.

    So is my phylosophy. I am tired of people who profit of me, because I showed my kind “me”. I was taken advantage of this kind, childish, girly part. They took me for fool, because I am in my heart a little bit naive, idialistic. Because I love the world. And when I show it, this love for free, i am taken advantage of. No, my soft part will be shown to the people who love me. And the man will discover my most feminine “me”only if he deserves.

    I am tired of being taken advantage of. I will be anoymous when I do some good to someone, I will keep it to me, because I cherish the other people’s joy.

    But the people outside won’t know about it.

    I will be my most feminine goddess.
    And with men and with bad people, I will definitely be bitchy, I will fight with word and mind and I will defend myself.

    My experience.

    It is not over-function, these are my rules based on my own experience. Because I am sure in this way, I will live better.

  410.  #410Jennifer on March 17, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Hey Tina..Write no on the toe of your shoe when you plant it in her badonkadonk.
    I’m just sayin.

  411.  #411Goodheart on March 17, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Soignee, I will always be all of me.

    I will trust myself & my feelings.

    I will know the good ones from the bad ones. The deserving from the not. I will not worry. They can all see & experience the playful, flirty, goddessy me. But none can possess me. I am the referee of my game. I will call the shots.

    I will believe in the divine bliss of the magic that is me.

    I will be soft yet strong.

    I will relax & let them come.

  412.  #412Rori Raye on March 17, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Lovely, Soignee….Rori