What A Man Really Wants – Your Modern Siren Hotness

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sexyguybackSo what does a man want in a woman more than anything else?

As a man over 40 recently said to me “A man wants a woman who can give him a boner.”

Sounds so crass. So basic. So what we’ve always thought and feared about man, doesn’t it?

And yet I believe him.

So what exactly does this mean for you?

If you’re in your 20s and he’s in his 20s that means that almost any woman he sees can give him a Boner.

He’s free to roam about the country. He’s free to roam about women-kind. And what he needs from you is something extra: This is where the emotional content of being a Modern Siren really carries the day – because your Modern Siren-ness IS your “hotness.”

It separates you out from other women on a deeper level of attraction.

If you’re in your 30s and he’s in his 30s the same may apply. He may be a little picky here in terms of personality and whether not you have “class” as well as “hotness,” but essentially, he needs to FEEL something when he sees you.

This is where being a Modern Siren is crucially important – because this is the point in his life where he’s actually thinking about what it would be like to have a wife.

Whether it would help him in his business. Whether it would enrich his life. Whether or not he wants children.

Now if you’re in your 40s and he’s in his 40s or 50s or 60s, we have a completely different scenario.

We have a scenario where a man does not trust his boner. He does not trust his body to get him hard. His testosterone is waning.

His fantasy life, however, is still going strong. He wants what you want – excitement, thrills, sex – someone who turns him on.

At the same time – he needs safety – and these two needs can seem very contradictory.

This is where you need to be so skillful. This is where your understanding of what he needs and how he needs it – WITHOUT giving up your sense of self and the confidence that goes with it – becomes so important.

This is where turning a man on GLOBALLY is really crucial.

You can’t just “use” your body or your personality or your brain or your success.

And here are some things that will absolutely not give him a boner and not turn him on at this point:Β 

  • Cleaning house well, looking after him, over-functioning, over-nurturing, giving more than he does, asking him how he feels…
  • Making him more important than you are.
  • Making him better than you are.
  • Making his needs more important than your needs. Or…
  • Feeling as though you need him desperately.
  • Being Clingy.
  • Getting upset by his behavior.
  • Feeling defensive.
  • Letting your insecurities lead you.

(If you’ve seen the book “Porn For Women,” and it turns you on – know he’s the exact opposite!)

This is where your confidence and your ability to “wrap him around your little finger” are absolutely critical.

These are the skills I want to teach you – and they’ll help you differently in your 20s and 30s and 40s in your 50s and 60s and your 70s.

Attraction doesn’t really change for man.

It just gets more challenging to create.

Love, Rori

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262 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on June 26, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Wow. Attraction gets more challenging to create.

    Aww, I just want to be taken care of and have some loving coming towards me.

    I have all my feminine faculties.



  2.  #2Phoenix on June 26, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Great Post!



  3.  #3Mandy on June 26, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    “Now if you’re in your 40s and he’s in his 40s or 50s or 60s, we have a completely different scenario.
    We have a scenario where a man does not trust his boner. He does not trust his body to get him hard. His testosterone is waning.”

    I am 33 and my man is 42. My fault, lol, I think older men are just hotter than blazes…I melt for them! But this is crucial to me, especially because J is SO not trusting his body. He doesn’t like himself too much right now and his testosterone is definitely waning. I need to understand this is human, and someday it’ll happen to me too, I’ll go through menopause.

    It may seem weird to mention but this is news to me because with what I grew up seeing, my parents NEVER had a problem. They are in their 60’s and they don’t even need medicine to have sex, they still have sex very regularly (glad I moved out when I did, lol…horndogs!). My dad never really had a problem.
    He was always energetic and a can-do guy even after 40.
    So this is confusing…it never dawned on me that a man could have this happen because my dad’s always been able to do what needs to be done no questions asked, because he’s so masculine. But my parents are kind of known for having *ridiculously* strong and healthy dispositions…and a strong marriage of 36 years.

    I read someplace that men go from being totally horny to being more romantic during the time when they turn about 40 and may need to be wined and dined or even get therapy. Kinda makes me giggle to think about wining and dining a man, firstly because no Siren would, and also because as a woman approaches her sexual peak like me, she’s like “I WANT SEX! NOW!” lol. It takes so much for me not to jump J’s bones without permission because he’s such a hottie…

    Great post Rori, and I am probably going to bookmark it so I can remind myself of it regularly.



  4.  #4April Rose on June 26, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Jump his bones.

    He’ll be glad you did!



  5.  #5iris on June 26, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    I feel insecure when I hear the word “insecurity.” All the dating advice gurus talk about insecurities as if they are the worst things in the world. So for years I had been stuffing down those insecure feelings. Now I am attempting to let them breathe under my skin.

    C’mon! Who DOESN’T feel insecure?!



  6.  #6iris on June 26, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    *oops, I meant to say “I feel TRIGGERED when I hear the word “insecure””



  7.  #7Dominique on June 26, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    iris – 5 – YES!!! And yay you!!! Yes we all have insecurities, and they are SO not a negative. They are all part of wonderful, many faceted, glorious you. They are part of what make you vulnerable if you allow them. πŸ™‚

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  8.  #8Azure Blu on June 26, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Good post…
    I am 62 yrs of age… I have dated men 45-58… none of which had problems getting an erection… ;->
    Lucky me!!!
    I do believe, it just might be, each person is different…
    However I have noticed for ME…
    since I was in my mid 40s bridging the space between a close non sexual relationship and taking it to the sexual
    has always been a step I feel ill equipped for…
    It is a leap (and that is what it feels like) and then from there I seem NOT to be able to express what it is that I need…
    I can’t wait to have a sexual partner to be able to explore this more…



  9.  #9Daria on June 26, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    feelin sad and lonely!

    slumped and with desires to reach out to men and guilt

    and

    stuff that seems fun to do like take care of stuff doesn’t feel invitiing right in front of me like laundry

    and yet im dragging thru some babystpes….

    feeling dumpy



  10.  #10Zia on June 26, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    iris – i think it’s in how we deal with our insecurities – ie don’t let them control us.



  11.  #11Tereana on June 26, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    This is an awesome post!

    So many Lolz on this thread. Lol April Rose (good advice maybe ; )

    And I lol’d at the opening quote – a man wants a woman who can give him a boner. Sounds crass, but it’s SO TRUE!! And we might take it for granted, but that’s really displaying how important it is for men. We can never really know what it’s like to have a penis. But I’m pretty sure that every man likes his penis – a lot. It’s how he experiences pleasure, and especially with his woman (aka you). That’s why it is important. And not crass. It’s very real.

    I’m glad that guy said it!! Lol

    And, I am also pretty sure that that list of non-turn-ons is true at any age. And sireny sexiness is true at any age also ; )

    I feel hot! I feel lucky! Xoxoxo



  12.  #12Tereana on June 26, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    *downplaying – not displaying



  13.  #13Tereana on June 26, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Mandy – your J is a doof. You know why? Who cares if he’s hot. And maybe things aren’t perfect in his life right now. But even with all of that, he’s a 40-year-old guy who has a hot 33-year-old gf! And he won’t even have sex with her???!?? Doofiness. I am telling you.

    And THAT is why you need to get out of the house for a fee days. You are not punishing him. You are not leaving him. But yes, if you do nothing then nothing will change. BUT, more importantly, he needs to understand that if he doesn’t start doing you – and soon – something could change. And that something might be you leaving and finding a new man. There are PLENTY of hot older men out there. And I don’t believe that any human being is a complete waste of time. But what if you are wasting time with a man who won’t or can’t show you affection when you could be feeling that from someone who cares more about you than about wallowing in his feelings?

    No one is saying don’t love J. We just want you to love you MORE. Remember how to count: 1…. And THEN 2. ONE COMES FIRST. And you are number one. Not him. Stop counting backwards. Start counting forwards. And see what happens.

    And just for good measure: he’s a doofus!!!! You are going to have to straighten him out, girl.

    Pack yo’ bags. NOW!! Lol πŸ™‚



  14.  #14Tereana on June 26, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Sorry – he’s 42. You get my drift…



  15.  #15Tereana on June 26, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    Daria – “feeling dumpy” : ) Idk why, but it makes me lol. It’s such a silly word. Teehee….



  16.  #16RhymeandReason on June 26, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    Wow, it’s really helpful to know this..that attraction needs in men become more challenging. I would assume that maturity would change things but didn’t know to what degree and how men’s physical desires would be affected. I’m in my 50s and I have noticed that the men I meet who are serious about wanting a partner all seem to want friendship and compatibility first and attraction second…at least that’s what they say. However the attraction has to be there or it doesn’t go much further. Something I’d like to share that I’ve found interesting and maybe helpful to the rest of you? When meeting men online, you have email, chatting, and phone which men ask for right away. Then comes the initial meeting. I’ve found that if I can get them to skype once, maybe twice between the first phone call and that first meeting, the attraction level soars. I think the ‘visual’ video call heats up things. They get a moving, breathing glimpse of you in the best lighting, from the waste up and a taste of your mannerisms but they can’t touch. It builds a little lust..for lack of a better word. We are often a little shy in front of the camera and they just love that vulnerability. It also takes the edge off of any reserves in meeting in person because they know a little better what to expect as far as your looks go. They see your smile. It’s crazy how that happens and it’s very siren-like in my opinion, as it’s another form of beckoning and seduction that is very charming. Anticipation is heightened. The men who I’ve met in person after skype are already that much more familiar and for the most part are all over me. I’m not that attractive but I love hearing the little gasp they make when we first stand face to face. These are all middle aged men and I don’t know if it would be the same with younger men. I don’t know what Rori or the rest of you think about this but I thought I’d share my own experiences.



  17.  #17Veronica on June 26, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    I respect that need for a man to feel that way, I like it. It’s a pity that there’s a crassness to expressing that core need. I would like to hear more about that need, I feel curious.



  18.  #18Veronica on June 26, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    OwlCD is still keeping in contact even though I told him that I could only be friends with him. I was partly anticipating that he would disappear, or that the interaction would shift…but no. Then he wrote something that gives me a better idea of what’s going on – he said that we complement each other in ways that he didn’t know were possible.



  19.  #19Veronica on June 26, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    RhymeandReason – 16 – That is hot!



  20.  #20mary on June 27, 2014 at 12:34 am

    ummmm Rori,

    what about your 80’s?

    my mom just got married again and she’s 83!

    now SHE’S a real siren!

    love, Mary



  21.  #21Kyla on June 27, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Oh Tereana 13 YES! Who cares if a man’s ‘hot’. He needs to be able to drop your panties and making you feel hot πŸ˜‰

    Mandy you are doing so awesome. I can feel you shifting your focus back to you. You are so strong and compassionate and I want to do a victory dance everytime I hear you taking care of you.



  22.  #22iris on June 27, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Thanks, Zia and Dominique!



  23.  #23Indigo on June 27, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Iris,

    Yes we most definitely all feel insecure, about different things. I really don’t believe at all we have to stuff our insecurities… I think that is the very OPPOSITE of what we need to do with them. But they don’t have to run us or our relationships either.

    Letting them exist within us, loving them, using them as a unique opportunity to show kindness and compassion to ourselves. It’s actually a lovely relationship with yourself to watch them slowly diminish over time.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on June 27, 2014 at 8:11 am

    I know guys who say they would rather be dead than living if they are not able to get a boner.



  25.  #25prplpsn28 on June 27, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Wow…when did these last two threads come up? Lol Will go back and catch up.



  26.  #26Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 8:42 am

    R&R#16
    Ahh lovely Siren
    thanx for sharing soo delightfully!!!

    Skype what a good idea…
    building anticipation (great word!!)

    I love when this happens… “the little gasp they give when they first meet you face to face!!” ;->
    Men can be sooo vulnerable and sweet!!!



  27.  #27Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Indigo#23
    YES, YES
    “Letting them exist within us, loving them, using them as a unique opportunity to show kindness and compassion to ourselves. It’s actually a lovely relationship with yourself to watch them slowly diminish over time.”



  28.  #28Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 9:48 am

    mary!!!
    80s must be the “new” 60s!!!
    Yay for your MOM!!!
    (;~>



  29.  #29Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Veronica #18,
    Ahhh…
    It feels to me like OwlCD is sooo smitten with you…
    very lovely for you to hear he feels sooo much connection!!
    As Rori says this is HUGE for a man!!!
    and WHY WOULD’nt he be…
    YOU beautiful, warm, sexy Goddess you!!!



  30.  #30iris on June 27, 2014 at 9:57 am

    #23 Thanks for the kind words, Indigo. I’m still learning how to accept my insecurities. I oftentimes hear people saying, “I’m not a insecure person.” It feels weird when I hear that.



  31.  #31Veronica on June 27, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Purple – you look good!



  32.  #32Veronica on June 27, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Rough day today emotionally:

    Feeling through pain, grief, disgust, hate, disillusionment, sinking hopelessness; getting stuck there and crying out of helplessness

    and then

    to feeling tired of all this smallness that I’m shutting myself into.

    Then: this is my life, taking back my life

    and then: to love my living.

    And then β€˜on the tip of my tongue’ – I’m getting there – it’s an energy of who I am that I can almost feel.

    It’s easier to be clear with myself and easier to let go.

    Inner boundaries are forming and then I let them go : my life is my own

    It’s easier to be open, this happens gently



  33.  #33Veronica on June 27, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Azure Blu – 29 – What you wrote just lit my face up with a smile – thank you xx It feels good to be recognized as a goddess



  34.  #34Labbit on June 27, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Last night I went on a date with a CD I’ve been seeing for about 4 months. He is wonderful — attentive, sweet, thoughtful, smart, handsome and has a fantastic career he enjoys. A couple of weeks ago he cancelled a date pretty last-minute, and then I didn’t hear from him for about another week. I leaned back for as long as I could and then finally I checked in with him. He was immediately responsive and asked me out right away, so we met last nite.

    We had a wonderful date. I shared that I felt wonderful, and that it felt a little odd not hearing from him for a week and asked him if there was anything he wanted to share. He said that he just wanted to feel wanted, and that he wanted to know that I wanted him. He said he felt I’d been a little cool emotionally. That I always wait for him to call or text me first, that if we go a few days between messages it’s always him that starts things up again. He said he felt a little unappreciated. He wasn’t upset — I felt inspired and touched by how open and honest he was without blaming either of us.

    I was shocked by how he felt though! In the past I’ve been very clingy during relationships. Now maybe I’m leaning back a little too far? I feel uncomfortable initiating but perhaps I’m taking that a little too far? I responded to him about how safe and wonderful I felt with him, and how I wanted him very much. That it feels so good when he takes the lead. The rest of the evening was wonderful.

    So my question is there such a thing as leaning back too far? Is it wrong to always wait for him to start communication? I get that this is all a learning process for me so I’m just trying to strike the right balance so I’m neither cold nor clingy. I feel unsure of how to proceed.



  35.  #35Labbit on June 27, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Haha I can feel my confusion coming out in my comment and question. To clarify, we re-established contact last weekend and when he asked me out I shared that the first night I was available was last night, which worked for him too.



  36.  #36Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Labbit,
    I feel sooo good hearing your inspired by ME!!
    :0)

    Interesting your dates comment about feeling he was always doing the initiating and wanted to feel some enthusiasm from YOU…

    I’ve had that happen a few times too.. Men leaning back cause they didn’t think I was that interested…

    I recall one instance I was truly interested in the relationship continuing and started leaning forward a little bit… He did mention it meant it alot to him…

    I’m wondering what other Sirens are thinking the Rori way should be?



  37.  #37Dominique on June 27, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Labbit – It’s perfectly okay if not wonderful to reach out or initiate contact sometimes as long as you’re not looking for something back, as long as you’re not holding onto expectations. Make sure you’re clear on this before doing so. Ask yourself if you’ll feel sad/bad/embarrassed/some other bad feeling feeling if he doesn’t respond or respond in a way you were looking for.

    As a relationship grows, there will be more of a flow, a back and forth between you.

    And you will start to FEEL if you are leaning forward too much, if you’re starting to over function, mother, or smother. You will feel it in his energy, maybe a slight or not so slight pulling away.

    Hope this helps.

    xxoo



  38.  #38April Rose on June 27, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Dominique,

    If a man responds best to leaning forward behaviour from a woman, I can only deduce that his preference is for women who row the boat.

    What do you think makes a man want a woman to lead?

    Sorry, that is not a fair question. I don’t want to ask you to get into a man’s mind. So, do you have or have you had any experience of men who want women to do the work?



  39.  #39Dominique on June 27, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    April Rose – If a man responds BEST to leaning forward behavior, then you are likely dealing with a more feminine energy man which is not necessarily a negative if the woman feels more comfortable in the more masculine energy role.

    Make sense?

    xxoo



  40.  #40prplpsn28 on June 27, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Thank you Veronica πŸ™‚



  41.  #41prplpsn28 on June 27, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Having a really bad day emotionally. Insecurities are presenting their nasty little selves. I’ve gained some weight, tho not much I’m still feeling blah about it. Ugh. I think part of it too may be that H will miss my birthday tomorrow. He’ll be out of town for his daughters final volleyball competition of the season. Not his fault. That’s where he needs to be. And I do understand. Just a part of me that can’t help but feel disappointed. I do have plans with my family and my kids so that will be good tho. And hoping to get back on track next week of bicycling and walking. Yikes



  42.  #42Labbit on June 27, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Azure Blu 36 – πŸ™‚

    Dominique 37 – Thank you, this helps a lot! In the recent past I have had expectations. (Thinking every guy I was dating was the one I was going to marry, etc.) There has been a lot of healing taking place for me with regards to expectations. I feel underconfident initiating right now because it always feels wrong to me and I think it’s time to start experimenting so I can heal that. Thank you for your guidance!

    April Rose 38 – I am so glad you asked this, because that’s where my head was going next! πŸ™‚



  43.  #43Sophie on June 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Purple ! it’s lovely to see what you look like πŸ™‚ beautiful x birthday’s are emotional! I had mine on monday and i felt very loved and cherished and happy but my pre-birthday eve I felt so emotional feeling all upset about the things that weren’t right – I seem to do that a little bit round special occasions x Happy birthday for tomorrow! Hope it’s a lovely one xx



  44.  #44Sophie on June 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    (((Veronica))) So inspiring to see how you stick with your emotional process xxx and progress xxx



  45.  #45Linda on June 27, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Time flies.. regardless of what kind of time we are having. I cant believe it has been over a month since I posted. I have (since Mothers Day) seen P (formerly known as FavoriteCD) on a semi regular basis. I have spent time with he and his daughter and have enjoyed it. There have been some issues rare up but in them finding my voice and speaking up. I really dont enjoy conflict but am learning to not get all flustered in the midst of it. Even though I have not been seeing any other men, I still have my mindset of we are just seeing each other. I have not allowed myself to get put back onto the “treadmill” that was a part of our relationship earlier. I have accepted his invitations to do things.. not allowed myself to be dictated to in the name of relationship like before. If I have needed to just be home and rest on a Friday night to recharge my batteries after a long week at work…then I have spoken up and done it. I just cant loose touch with my centeredness ever again.

    I have been struggling with not getting pulled out of feminine energy by him. I feel so much better with a man initiates and rows the boat. After hearing from him more than once that I dont initiate contact, invite, plan and that he would like that more… I have listened and tried to respond. It seems a delicate balancing act. Something has shifted though this week. It feels bad and the vibe off. I am feeling avoided and dismissed all the sudden.

    I thought that things were going well. He has been attentive and affectionate, communictative, easy going (for the most part).. but suddenly this week he has gone quiet and become very distant. I am feeling dismissed and pushed away. Out of the blue after a week of being very quiet and distant he says he feels worn too thin and needs “me time” all week end and he hopes I understand. well…

    So now I have to adjust my brain again. Just when I start to feel level and secure with him the rug gets jerked out from under me. He listed a whole list of reasons why from family fighting of estate issues with from his mother, to a sinus infection to which he has not gone to the doctor for all week to being behind with work because he had his daughter for 2 weeks and he had “things” that he needed to catch up on.

    So OK… Brain shift here. The vibe all week has been confirmed as far as I am concerned. I feel the handwriting on the wall. A part of me wishes I had stuck to my boundries and kept things as they were. My intuition says that he has chosen to shut down emotionally and will “move on” as he has threatened in the past .

    I now get to Lean WAYYY back. I have the developed the skill well. My challenge in this is still in my brain but even there I have even made so much progress in that area. Maybe he really is spent… and rubberbanding.

    I sent him a feeling message text that was genuinely from my heart. I will not initiate any communication at all.



  46.  #46Sophie on June 27, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Oh and on the leaning forward thing – I did some on my birthday and do you know what I LOVED IT! and I loved it because I felt rebellious and I felt free from B and I felt F it , it’s my birthday if there’s a man (who is hot and portuguese) who wants to take me out then yes I can ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FUN πŸ™‚ BUt…as Dominique points out, I genuinely had no attachment I was tired – if he was around I was going to embrace my impulsivity, if not it was no loss…he wasn’t around but we chatted later no biggie and he may take me out this weekend – I don’t mind either way…but it felt SO GOOD to say hi to little miss mischief again – it’d been a while since I’d seen her spark πŸ™‚



  47.  #47Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    sophie>>>
    SPARKS!!!!****
    Little Miss Mischief!!
    (:0>



  48.  #48Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Dominique…
    on the leaning forward…
    this all makes since…
    oxoxo thank you!



  49.  #49Azure Blu on June 27, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    prplepsn…
    Lovely, beautiful Siren…
    Happiest of Birthdays!!



  50.  #50prplpsn28 on June 27, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you so much Sophie and Azure πŸ™‚



  51.  #51Daria on June 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    thank you for taking care of me Daria

    it’s all practice

    you’re doing FANTASTIC!!!



  52.  #52Daria on June 27, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    missing the dude ive been leaning forward with

    that i ‘warned’ i would no longer be contacting lol

    and he invited me over and now i wanna cancel my warning and take him up on it

    lol

    i could actually do that tho

    i will feel like some energy loss possibly and more draggy tomorrow

    so i dont want to

    i want to BE asked out

    and i feel draggy thinking that it will take a long time to have that happen

    and thats actually not true



  53.  #53Daria on June 27, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    yay for writing men back on POF and esp these ones that are not my instant attraction generators and that i don’t think i could or would ‘get with’

    and those are the ones that help me open my vibe

    yes thank you magic Daria and femininity and men



  54.  #54Daria on June 27, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    now instead of 300 men writing me theres only like 50 so i might as well answer a whole bunch for practice

    makes a girl feel despearate some

    and yet i feel curious if more would show up if my POF was on more

    also feels good right now to not be feeling so EMF sensitive



  55.  #55RhymeandReason on June 28, 2014 at 12:57 am

    Azure Blue thank you for being so encouraging. And Veronica thank you too. It is pretty hot! I just wish now I could get “London boy”, my main guy to be
    more motivated.

    He’s 50 and thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and wants to be with me. I feel beautiful and sexy when I’m with him..which is wonderful because I have never
    been told that much.

    He uses “we” when talking about the future. But his interest in sex has waned. This seems to be directly related to his work load but because I know he’s
    very sensual and sex driven I don’t understand this sudden change.

    I could be naive. He could have someone else but I really don’t think so. He seems so satisfied to stay put…does this mean he is ‘relieving’ himself in
    other ways or is he simply not interested?

    Is he compartmentalizing or am I doing something wrong? Maybe I’m too available. I do feel like a puppy waiting on crumbs more than I care to admit. We are
    in touch everyday, but now he doesn’t seem to be that into me in a romantic way as much. It’s all work work work.

    Should I ask him about it or is that leaning forward and something that will chase him away? He responds very well to feeling messages but I barely get the
    opportunity to share lately. I’m circular dating and having fun, but I’m so stuck on this one man it’s not even funny. Thanks. ps. Daria, I enjoy your
    posts.



  56.  #56Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 4:24 am

    Iris 30,

    When I hear people say they are not insecure… personally, the first thought that comes to mind is that they view insecurity as weakness, and they don’t want to appear weak. They want to appear as if they’ve got it all together and nothing can get to them… not very attractive, if you ask me. Sometimes when people say they’re not insecure, they mean they are not jealous, which is fair enough.

    The way I see it, is that all of us have things which make us shakey. There’s nothing wrong with that, it makes us human. It’s how we live with those things which counts.



  57.  #57Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 4:34 am

    Labbit and Azure Blu,

    Regarding initiating contact… For me personally, I like to let quite a long time go by in the beginning of the relationship where he is doing all, or definitely the lion’s share, of the initiating contact. He should be the one calling, texting, inviting you on dates etc.

    Once we’ve established a comfort level though – and for me, this is about safety, security that he is going to BE there, when I feel a lot more sure of him and his feelings for me, then I like to experiment with the flow of communication, initiating contact occasionally, letting him know I’m thinking of him once in a while. For me, this is usually after a few months.



  58.  #58Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Happy birthday Sophie!! πŸ™‚ x

    Happy birthday Purple!! πŸ™‚ x



  59.  #59Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 4:52 am

    Linda,

    So nice to see you again.

    I don’t want to project onto your situation, so I’ll just share my own… D does that. On a regular basis (about every 3 or 4 weeks), everything gets too much for him and he gets a bit withdrawn and says he needs “me time” for about a week. In the past, it used to DO MY HEAD IN. I felt terrible and shakey, and had no idea how to handle it.

    Anyway, nowadays (after what was, I must add, a very long time of it just feeling awful) it doesn’t get to me so much. Firstly, I anticipate and expect it, so it doesn’t take me by surprise. Secondly, I just try to flow with it rather than against it. If he says he needs “me time” or doesn’t feel like company, or doesn’t seek me out or talk much, I respect it. I use it as an opportunity to get centred within myself, I know it has nothing to do with me, and I focus on being the soft, warm, calm creature that I want to be. I know it will pass a lot quicker if I just “go with it” and accept it.

    If anything, in some cases I can pick up when he’s tetchy and overtired and I give him a slightly wider berth. He seems to appreciate this and when we come together again it is nicer and sweeter.

    I don’t know if any of this applies to your situation and I must stress I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world. Gosh, I needed to write all this.

    Love xx



  60.  #60Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Oh, I wanted to add that almost 100% of the time, these “needing me time” periods on his part are to do with his work.

    Does P have a stressful job?



  61.  #61Sigrid on June 28, 2014 at 6:07 am

    This is my first post here. I just found Rori Raye and bought the Modern Siren program. It is so much help. I have a painful pattern of attracting men that are enjoying me and love having sex with me but end up not being in love with me or wanting me for a serious relationship. Painful. When the last man whom I adore said that same thing to me at a restaurant, I leaned back, watched a bird fly by outside and said: this conversation is making me feel very uncomfortable. It shifted the vibe. I felt stronger.



  62.  #62Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Indigo#57
    Thanx for sharing this!!!
    πŸ™‚



  63.  #63Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:26 am

    R&R #58
    Wow… Lovely Siren…
    you are being sooo Vulnerable by sharing your feelings here on Siren Island

    this is always a good reminder for me…
    each cd is free therapy… a window into MY feelings
    a path to understanding ME and
    Loving ME…
    because I have learned… until I understand what these feelings are coming up for ME…
    LOVING them
    then sharing them with feeling messages
    I can’t really love anyone else…

    this is just me… (this is a long distance relationship, right?)
    long distance relationships NEVER worked for ME…
    however I do know about MY addiction to
    YEARNING….
    recently, after LOVING MY yearning, kissing and
    hugging her…
    Accepting her as a part of ME…
    She is NOTHING I let into MY life any longer.
    Yay, AZURE… I Feel FREE.
    MY yearning is NOT running MY life!!!



  64.  #64Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:30 am

    Magic Daria~ (:0>
    Yay YOU!!



  65.  #65Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Sigrid>>>
    I feel warm and sunshiny reading what a Siren YOU are here!!!
    ” I leaned back, watched a bird fly by outside and said: this conversation is making me feel very uncomfortable. It shifted the vibe. I felt stronger.”



  66.  #66Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:34 am

    #65…
    I think I meant…
    I don’t let anything in my life that TRIGGERS MY yearning!!
    because she is a part of me that I LOVE!!



  67.  #67Labbit on June 28, 2014 at 10:52 am

    MarikaBerg my darling Siren, I am sending you warmth and hugs! Your comment is full of steps forward and it must feel scary.

    What if he’s becoming more comfortable with you, feeling more safe, and doesn’t feel like he needs to couch every message in a pet name? Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing? You’re twisting yourself all up in knots over something that may be nothing at all! It all begins with trusting yourself. If you trust yourself to know when being with a man feels good or not, you won’t worry about the words he uses or what he says. You’ll know how you feel and that will be enough. If you trust yourself you always have the choice whether to stay with a man or go, and that’s where many of us get stuck (me included!).

    In my short time CD’ing I’ve already found that men are very quick to follow my lead, energy-wise. If I bring myself to a text, or phone call, or date centered, calm and happy, the man I’m with will soon match my vibe even if he showed up mad, upset or stressed out. If he doesn’t match my vibe I know it’s not about me, and I give him space to feel what he’s feeling. However, if I let my thoughts start running away with me or if I let myself become stressed, panicked, clingy, whatever, the man I’m with will either ask what’s wrong (sometimes I don’t even realize how I feel til he asks!) or withdraws a bit. There’s nothing wrong with this and it’s a clue for me that there’s an emotion or trigger I’m not letting myself really feel.

    If you can find trust in yourself, even if that just means hanging back a little and seeing how he shows up on the date and how you feel in his presence, things will become much clearer for you. Whatever you see, whatever you feel, it’s not wrong! So don’t make yourself wrong for feeling scared, or unsure, or confused, and don’t make him wrong either. Trust yourself as you grow and learn and soon you will be the most confident version of yourself you’ve ever known!



  68.  #68Azure Blu on June 28, 2014 at 10:54 am

    MarikaB#63
    Ohhh… lovely, warm Siren…
    To me it feels like you have sunk down into YOU
    and found YOUR true Feelings in the last few sentences… Yay YOU!!

    MB!!! This is Soooo Vulnerable…

    If it were me I would try and share my feelings with him… You have already put your feelings in FM in your post…

    “I’m feeling like maybe I am disrespecting myself for going this far before officially β€˜free’.”
    “I feel angry/afraid that you have lost respect for me, because of having sex so soon… ”
    “What do you think?”
    Short and Simple is what Rori Always recommends!!
    ;0>



  69.  #69Millie on June 28, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Missing Andreas posts lately….

    I have been super busy lately, but wanted to share a few things. I’ve noticed that I’m changing. I’m “catching” myself now when I go into “beat myself up mode” I feel able to recogniZe and pinpoint what triggers me. I notice that in large social settings I tend to feel the need to withdraw and observe. J hasn’t contacted me in a week although last I saw him he said he would see me Sunday which is tmrw. Going this way, with no contact makes me feel undesired and disconnected from him. I feel no urge to initiate or chase though. Why chase after someone who hasn’t proven they can give me what I want. I’m also experiencing how lack of contact makes me feel a little bored with him and reluctant to get attached. I had a moment where I got emotional about it and tears surfaced at the idea that… Here we go again, he lost interest and I’m unable to keep him interested. Then I rememberd a newsletter I read, from Helena I think, that said not to assign meaning to that. It’s not healthy for me to assign a meaning to something I know nothing about. I like him a lot, but so far I’m feeling unsure of how interested he really is.

    I’m seeing a lot of baggage surface within myself also. I took a dance class today with that dance teacher I’ve mentioned before. Since I told him how uncomfortable I felt during our last lesson, he has gone out of his way to make sure I feel comfortable at all times. We have a good flirtation, and I feel myself starting to like him. He compliments me a lot, and today told me I was smokin hot. I didn’t really respond to that and later wondered why. I think i have a fear inside of men seeing me physically and not what’s really inside me, but then again, if I don’t respond, how can they ever know…. He said that dancing is like relationships…. Men lead and it’s the woman’s job to connect. As he encouraged me to lean my shoulder into his hand and have resistance in my frame. I thought that was very wise and true.



  70.  #70prplpsn28 on June 28, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    I had a good day with my family and kids. Had an awesome dinner. I did get a brief message from H this morning saying “good morning sunshine. Happy bday”. That’s all I’ve heard from him. Tho he spent part of the day traveling and then volleyball competitions the rest of the day. Even tho I know I shouldn’t be upset with him…that’s how I feel. Still pretty emotional. Ugh. My youngest daughters bday is tomorrow so I have that to look forward to. Yay!

    I’m beat so time for bed. Thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. πŸ™‚



  71.  #71Tereana on June 28, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Sigrid – hi and welcome ~ it sounds like you are doing a really good job of being in your sirenness already : )



  72.  #72Tereana on June 28, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    I’ve been having some feeling that my comments to Mandy about J were judgy or overly forceful. It was how I was feeling in the moment, and maybe I thought it would come out with the right tone of ironic playfulness, and maybe I got that some. Maybe I don’t need to worry too much or apologize too much.

    Kyla is right, though. You are doing great, and I’ve said it before. So I didn’t mean to imply that you’re not. But you are obviously still having some struggles. You asked for advice.

    But the only real advice is this: check in with your heart. How do you feel the best way to make YOU feel in this situation? What would that be? Instead of waiting for J to do something, how can your “boy” energy take care of you so that you feel happy no matter what?

    Then I think you’ll have your answer…



  73.  #73Tereana on June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Correction : to make you feel *better into is situation (for Mandy)

    ~

    Ladies, I had a beautiful day today. I slept in. I watched a movie. I did my nails. I cleaned. Went to a boutique to look around. Got some sun. Got some ice cream. And I took myself to go see a play, but instead, I wandered around the park and watched the sunset. It was beautiful πŸ™‚

    And before I went out, I wanted to text the dentist to see if he’d like to join me for the play. But I resisted, because I already leaned forward and texted him last night. I decided to just date myself.

    I also resisted texting M. I’ve been thinking about him, though, and trying to create thoughts that shift my vibe about him. And in my way home, after the walk in the park, I just happened to see that he was on a list of people who had looked at my linkedin profile : ) and that made me feel really nice. He didn’t text to me or anything. But I guess it shows that he is still thinking of me.

    And anyway, I don’t like how I feel when I lean forward. But now that I have my own place to live, I feel open to dating again. And I wonder if dating him could be better now, but who knows? Maybe I am meant to meet someone new.

    Many other thoughts on the brain. But I am going to head to bed for the night. I am very sleepy.

    ‘Night, sirens !



  74.  #74Indigo on June 29, 2014 at 5:33 am

    MarikaBerg,

    Yay you!!

    I have noticed (and other sirens have too) that when your vibe shifts like it obviously has with you, when you suddenly start to feel attractive to other men and to the world, your man can sense this vibe from afar and he suddenly takes notice πŸ™‚



  75.  #75Azure Blu on June 29, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Millie
    Ohhhh… lovely goddess!!!
    You sound so light and breezy and Leaning back!!!

    Ahhh… i want to remember the FM when I’m not persued… “undesired & disconnected”… I have used the disconnected…
    but the undesired word really pinpoints the biggest feeling!!!

    How very sirenny to have held your boundaries with the dance man
    I like this…
    “Men lead and it’s the woman’s job to connect”



  76.  #76Azure Blu on June 29, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Tereana deary,
    Have you already moved into your own place?

    Your day of dating yourself sounds like a PERFECT summer day of
    Loving YOU!!!
    Mmmmm….
    I’m believing there is a NEW and better guy for you coming along!!!
    ;0>



  77.  #77Azure Blu on June 29, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Hey lovely Andrea…
    we miss you here on Siren Island…
    How is your play going?
    i know your ex is supposed to come and visit you and your girls in July…



  78.  #78Azure Blu on June 29, 2014 at 6:48 am

    MarikaB
    Wow!!! watch out..
    Your hot, sireny self is shining bright!
    ;~}



  79.  #79prplpsn28 on June 29, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Just found out that H’s daughter didn’t even start their volleyball competitions until today. So where was he yesterday? Didn’t hear from him at all. I feel so done right now. And disrespected. πŸ™



  80.  #80Indigo on June 29, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Purple,

    I’ll ask you the same question I asked April Rose the other day…

    Are you clear on *why* you’re in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?



  81.  #81Azure Blu on June 29, 2014 at 11:27 am

    prpl…
    I have ALWAYS let missunderstandings go
    BUT I won’t do that anymore…
    this is what worked for me…
    a week or so ago..
    When I got confused about something MN told me
    I shared with him that…
    “I feel confused… you said your son took Fri. off and that is why you couldn’t go out with me… but now you’re saying He is working…”
    He said he didn’t say that ’cause he knew his son was working…
    I then got quiet… he asked why and i said
    “I feel confused and disconnected about why you would tell me your son took Fri. off”
    We talked a little more about it…
    BUT I felt sooooo Good that I TOOK UP FOR ME!!!
    I ALWAYS let these things slide and then wonder about them inside MY head…
    When I shared my feelings about the untruth, with MN,
    it was ME taking up for ME
    and MY self respect SOARED!!!



  82.  #82Sophie on June 29, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    I feel triggered. Every time B goes out which is a lot I feel triggered. He never let me into his life ever not even when we were supposedly ‘together’ so I don’t know where he goes or what he does. I don’t share it much because people don’t often understand why I care but I do care. It feels like a big hurting bruise that gets re-bruised and re-bruised every time he goes out. Sometimes he comes back in the middle of the night, sometimes not until the next day. This makes me cry and my shoulders feel all stingy and I feel constantly anxious. It reminds me every time how disappointed I am at the complete lack of intimacy when I had hoped for something intimate. I furiously want him out of my life so I stop feeling so triggered.

    And its true, I don’t make the situation any better for myself. A male friend of mine came round last night after B had gone out and then we went out dancing. I didn’t get back until 6:30am – B had got back so he would have known I wasn’t there. I had fun. It felt good. I flirted a lot, danced a lot, felt some of my old buzz come back, it felt good to have the attention and I felt open to it but also I felt fearful…like I wasn’t completely free. I didn’t feel I could take any one back to mine – I don’t mean for sex but just to chill after the club. I don’t feel free…and I worried about how moody B may be today

    But…it’s true about the change of vibe. He didn’t ask where I’d gone and he cooked me dinner and he NEVER cooks me dinner. Then he went out and that big old blister burst again. Maybe, I feel resentful also because he seems to find it so much easier to just do what he wants without worrying about my feelings than I do to do what I want without worrying about his. And he has places to go whereas my home has always been my hub. I would prefer to have people here but men, especially, I don’t feel like I can.

    I want to just have no expectations on him, not blink an eyelid what he does or does not do. I always find it painful the moving apart bit when you don’t know anything about someone elses life as they’re moving away from you and so I find no contact the only way for me. But here I am living in the same house. I suppose it’s not uncommon for people to have to be around their exs though and for those with children who have to communicate with ex’s – how do you do it?!



  83.  #83April Rose on June 29, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Oh Sophie,

    I feel for you.

    Like me, i think you need to decide what you want and stick with a plan. (it is so easy to give in when they show a nice side of them).

    Sounds like a part of you is still hanging onto hopes of it working out with him. Is there? Deep down?

    There is with me. Yet I have decided I am willing to walk away (or ask him to).

    The more powerful part of me wants to take charge of her own romantic life again.



  84.  #84sillysue on June 29, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    lovely comments & great supportive website x



  85.  #85Linda on June 29, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Indigo.. thanks for your sharing. I always feel on the same page with you.

    I guess P does have a stressful job. He works from home and he says that the company is just plain hard to work for and been doing it for 3 years now. He does not seem to enjoy it really. But is successful at it.

    I got a phone call from him yesterday morning. It really did not go well and the negative things that I suspected were confirmed. While all the things that he listed were true about his week it all boils down to that he is basically was mad that I chose to go home last Sunday evening at 9:30 instead of staying the night and going to work from his place. We have talked about this before and I told him that it is very stressful for me to do it. I have to be at work clocked in by 5:45 AM. I live 10 min from work. He lives an hour away. I have a new dog too. When I stay I dont sleep well he snores terribly and if I dont get to sleep before him I am done for. Deep in my subconscious I dont rest because I fearful I will oversleep. I have to get up at at 3:45 instead of 4:45. I cant go straight to work so it adds 10 min more to get the dogs cage reset and her settled before can take off… it makes me a nervous wreck. I did it in the beginning of our relationship last year and honestly I was so worn out doing it multiple times a week I felt I was on a “treadmill” I decided I needed to be kinder to myself and simply my life so I dont want to stay on Sunday nights so I could not start the week frazzled. I have gone into great detail sharing with feeling messages too..that this was my preference and what I really needed to do. I thought he understood but his latest response to all this was…so what!!! its an hour of lost sleep… if you really cared and were committed to this relationship you would “make the extra effort”! I felt unheard and dismissed.

    During our conversation his agenda was to put me in my place, make me wrong dominate and win. When I stood up for myself and stated my feelings he dismissed them. He oriented that whole conversation around him and was intolerant to anything I had to say.. and he shut the conversation down and said I did not hear a thing he said and hung up with “we are not getting anywhere here so I gotta go.

    SO….Basically he WAS pouting all week, and his quiet distance was his way of punishing me and giving me a good dose of my own medicine. (in his mind) so there!!. I can only just chuckle to myself and shake my head really.

    You know though..there was a time that I would have sick over this… done anything out of panic to fix things.. I would even jump thru hoops to prove I was worthy of loving….. That was before I started to really love me. Honestly… I am not going to put up with all that stuff to get the feel good things with him. (believe it or not there still are lots) He has so many great qualities but is still stuck in adolescence emotionally.

    I had a great day yesterday and today. In MY me time. All the conversations and progress and reasonableness he was displaying just disappeared. I was feeling hopeful. I do love him but I love myself more. If he could maintain what was happening it would be so great.



  86.  #86Linda on June 29, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I wonder if it is really possible to inspire a man to better behavior ? or… if we just raise our level of difficulty better men come along?



  87.  #87Linda on June 29, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    After the terrible phone call yesterday I had with P yesterday… he text me tonight to say hi and asked what I was doing. I said I was headed out to pick up some dinner. He asked if I could call him when I was done. I agreed.

    I had a lovely dinner on a dock at a lake with my dog. She has never seen ducks or a lake etc. I had no sooner sat down on my blanket and looked in the sack to grab my burger when there were ducks galore swimming my way. My pup (3 mos old, fearless and beyond curious..) was sniffing around looking at the ducks etc. I had her on her harness and retractable lead with just a little length and decided to sit on it to secure her. I reached down in the bag looking for the ketchup when I heard a “plunk” and felt the lead I was sitting on jerk under my leg…. My pup just flung herself fearlessly into the water. I was mortified for a second and then grabbed the lead I was sitting on and pulled her back up. She only had enough lead to get half her body in the water. I sat there and laughed out loud. I was sooo glad I had her harness on her. If I hadn’t it would have meant a dive in the lake for myself to retrieve her. Anyway… I ate, shared my bun top with the ducks and french fries with her. The sunset was beautiful to boot! What a great way to end my weekend.

    So when I got back in the car with my wet dog I had a text from P again. I called him reluctantly not knowing what I would be encountering after yesterday. I am totally baffled. He was kind and light hearted. Wanted to know if it was okay to come over tomorrow night pack a pic nic. I cant hardly wrap my head around it. I said ok but I dont know if I really want to see him.

    I feel so confused. Is he Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde? Bi-polar? I truly feel a bit frightened and uneasy.

    I



  88.  #88Sophie on June 29, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    I don’t know April Rose I don’t think I have any hopes of it working out with him I just find it hard to let go under the best of circumstances and in this one its hard to move away cos he’s still right there

    Every bit of distance feels like new rejection

    Maybe I need a whole new level of acceptance. I was thinking it feels like I’m waiting to jump out of an airplane and I don’t want too and every day it might be the day but it’s not the and part of me never wants to jump but part of me just wants to jump so I’ve done it and its over. It has felt like I’m not in control of when I jump. But maybe I am. Maybe I just practice jumping – even if I have to visualise it every day – that I’ve already jumped whether he’s here or not. I’m obviously not in acceptance on my deepest level. I’m in a fight with some resistance. And it’s hurting me.

    I don’t deal with it in the best ways either which is damaging for me because then I don’t like myself.

    I want to comment on every one else’s too – sorry for being in my own stuff so much. Off to work – time later – hope everyone has a lovely day xxx



  89.  #89Zia on June 30, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Gosh I’ve been feeling so up and down lately. Some of my insecurities have been coming up, but on a positive note I am dealing with them very differently to how I have done before. My boyfriend is INCREDIBLY observant and in tune with me and can notice even the slightest change in me. These insecurities are not even remotely as prominent as they were before, and I know that they’re my “stuff” and I have been working to deal with them myself. But I also am learning to communicate them with my bf – just let him know how I am feeling instead of trying to hide it from him. He is very open and honest and as a result I feel safe enough to be open and honest with him too.

    This is definitely the healthiest relationship I have *ever* been in.



  90.  #90Indigo on June 30, 2014 at 1:20 am

    Linda,

    Again, I don’t know if this applies to your situation… some men are afraid of intimacy. So when things are going relatively well and you are getting close, they come up with a reason to create a bit of distance – hence the Jekyll and Hyde feeling. I saw this with D too many times to doubt that this is what happens.

    Once the fear has calmed a bit and they’ve got a hold of themselves again, they feel a bit contrite and apologetic and that’s when they come and find you again and you see a softer side. Again, it happened to me over and over again with D.

    I believe these fears are able to heal… but each person is unique, and only you can know if it’s something you can go along with for the long term.

    xx



  91.  #91Tereana on June 30, 2014 at 5:30 am

    MarikaBerg – thanks! And your description the party, and the text(s) you received sounds so lovely. Very sireny :- )

    And Azure, thank you, too! Yay, we will see. I had an unfortunate convo with a man on the Indian dating site. He’s a doctor. And he was like, “why do you like Indian men?” And I was like, “oh, you know…” (Paraphrase) and then he got into talking about how I should be with two men at once. And I was like um, no. I don’t know you. That is nth an appropriate joke. And I promptly stopped taking with him. Ugh. Doctors and their big egos :-p I do not have time for a man who doesn’t understand when he is disrespecting a woman and thinks it is “a joke.” Not ok.

    But Azure, I appreciate your confidence : ) I think you could be right. I haven’t fully moved into the place yet, but soon! πŸ™‚

    Then it will be all kinds of fun.

    And I’m already feeling so much more relaxed and less stressed that I hardly know what to do with myself… Lol. But that can only be a good thing. And another good reason to start dating again! πŸ™‚

    Xoxoxo



  92.  #92Tereana on June 30, 2014 at 5:32 am

    Zia (92) that sounds great. How wonderful to have that safe space to share yourself : ) and the best part is, you helped to create that. You are feeling safe with YOURSELF and he is responding. Yay you πŸ™‚



  93.  #93Linda on June 30, 2014 at 5:53 am

    I slept terribly last night. I had a dream that seemed would not end but when I looked at the clock I had only been in bed 45 minutes. I dont remember all of it but it the feeling it produced is lingering. I was at a social gathering having fun, talking. Suddenly I was aware that there was this dark shadowie presence standing right behind me. I felt instant panic and started to run. No matter where I went or how skillfully I moved I could not shake it.

    I am at work I have this uneasy sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can not shake. I know why. I know what the dark presence was. It is because I did not follow thru with the place I came to in my heart about P… Sunday morning.

    I was so surprised at his phone call.. his asking we could get together tonight. I felt like I was not talking to the same man as 24 hours before. I should have said no. I just dont operate this way. Why am I ? I cant shift gears this time. I really have absolutely no interest in continuing in a relationship with him. but I said yes. What the heck is wrong with me! My dream is me chasing me!

    That after a week of his ignoring me and the phone conversation and all the things he said…I just dont feel anything but nothing ! Before I went to bed He text me later saying he wanted to spend all week end with me and was wanting to take me up on initiating spontenatity from last thursday that he ignored and intimacy and… I felt panic.. hence the dream I guess.

    I am not going to be mad or beat myself up overthis. I am just gonna take care of it. It finally feels good to know without a shadow of a doubt that I have absolutely zero interest in any type of relationship with him and I am done. I wont be talked into anything from him ever again. The good stuff is not good enough. I desire peace and a relationship with a man who is as concerned with my emotional wellbeing as my physical.

    A part of me is embarassed to admit here that I opened this door and tried one more time… yet maybe that is just what allow me to shut if for good this time.



  94.  #94Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 6:12 am

    Linda #96…
    Ohhh, lovely warm Siren…
    Don’t beat yourself up…

    It’s my opinion, and has been true for me…
    Trying one more time to make sure, observe,
    Feel how you feel around him (or during a phone convo)
    Is really important… No matter how many times it takes…
    and now you feel more clear about what you DO want!!!
    I believe, like you said, YOU are taking Loving care of YOU!!!
    You are a Siren!! :~)



  95.  #95Femininewoman on June 30, 2014 at 6:16 am

    Hi Sophie.

    “Maybe, I feel resentful also because he seems to find it so much easier to just do what he wants”

    Reading your comments brought back memories of a song by Bruno Mars where he talks about taking his girl to parties because all she wanted to do was dance. I believe you are resentful because you might want to be going out and having more of a social life but you are not. You might be looking to him to do that for you so you get triggered when he goes out and live his life. Did something happen in the past where he might have taken you out to a place you didn’t like so you made him wrong?

    I dunno. Reading your comments it just seems to me like you might not be living your life the way you really want to so you feel triggered when he does. You are also assigning meaning to what he does as in “him not caring about your feelings”. I wonder if that is really not just a story you are telling yourself to keep yourself stuck? These types of beliefs we hold in our subconscious are things that stop us in life and only as we shine a light of awareness on them can we really see ourselves and make decisions to move forward.



  96.  #96Femininewoman on June 30, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Linda if you consider that maybe you did not yet learn all the lessons you needed to learn so you opened the door again there would really be no need for embarassment. Sometimes in life like in the movie “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” we have to go back, take a second to know for sure that is not a place you want to be. I honestly see no reason to be embarassed.

    Also reading through your comments I see so many times like you are second guessing yourself. Your journey is your journey.



  97.  #97Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 6:23 am

    MarikaB…
    Wow… I feel You observing how YOU feel around him…
    Very Sireny!!
    Sooo coool all you shared…
    and also this…
    “I didn’t say that, I just stayed open, knowing that I’ll be okay no matter what, a little concerned about seeming like a doormat but after all was said and done I felt good about it.”

    I have found it brings me even closer to a man when I share things like…
    “I’ve been feeling confused and anxious about having sex so soon….” what do you think?”

    Also about him not getting too physically close while you were in his home…
    I have found men will do that to keep from getting turned on and then too frustrated…
    Maybe he needed to “rearrange things” in the bathroom…
    He did mention several times how great you looked!!
    ;~>



  98.  #98Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Zia
    Mmmmm… I feel warm and happy…
    Yay for new experiences with a healthy relationship!!!

    I feel inspired reading that you have seen some of your insecurities and you know they are yours do deal with!!



  99.  #99iris on June 30, 2014 at 7:08 am

    #56 @ Indigo, soooo very true!



  100.  #100Linda on June 30, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Well the boy energy side of me is embarassed I would say. The girl energy side of me .. I rescued and she is relieved.

    Lessons of the heart are sometimes like trying to birth a baby I guess. The struggle and pain are followed by peace and something new. This is what it feels like to me anyway.

    I still have to cancel tonight and I feel nervous and edgie about it but I will get thru it.



  101.  #101Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 7:49 am

    FW – you are so dead on about the assigning meaning – I was thinking earlier on what is my trade off trying to work out why I just can’t get out of this – quick enough for me – still – and the trade off is probably on a deeply subconscious level I get to experience over and over not feeling cared about hence unlovable…It has too many echos of the past – I feel a lack of power in this situation – as a teenager I desperately wanted to leave to be out of the family home as it was toxic and aggressive my dad rarely demonstrated love and was cruel and cold but they wouldn’t let me go and I was stuck living with how painful it was and we would fight and I’d say horrible things and then I’d feel guilty and hate myself and try and be loving and it was just the same cycle and intractable…until I could finally get away

    I need to work on feeling less powerless I guess – it’s a definite do-over and triggers very deep wounds and frightened feelings

    And I recognize he has a totally different way of showing he cares about my feelings – it’s not my way so it doesn’t really get through

    I’m not living as much of my life as I’d like – I’m so short of money I could cry whenever I think about it so yes, I resent him his ability to have a social life when I feel that mine is restricted but with regards to him taking me out, he’s never taken me out … he says he doesn’t like taking women out … and he’s never included me in his social life … my fault I lived on empty promises.

    Interestingly, I was always upset with the last ex as he wouldn’t include me in his family life – he would take me out but the family stuff was separate … I didn’t want to go there again and then I did…

    I feel like I must need some major major major changes I feel afraid of unwittingly repeating these same mistakes.



  102.  #102IamHis on June 30, 2014 at 7:52 am

    I feel so angry! I feel good feeling angry! The married guy at work turned sweeter than ever. He went and bought coffee for my colleague and me. He wrote up lengthy instructions that I was supposed to write up myself. It saved me so much time and made me feel honored. He didn’t say goodbye. I felt so sad.



  103.  #103RhymeandReason on June 30, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Azure Blu @ 65 ~ yes, the one I am in love with is long distance and I started talking to him as practice. He felt safe.. but then I fell. And I fell hard. And yes, I may be addicted to the yearning and the emotions that all center around my longing to be with him. I know this about myself..I do love that I’m emotional and wanting and I’m not ashamed of my desires. And he loves me because I’m this way. Spending a week with him was so monumental for both of us. He was desperate to get back to me..we had made tentative plans to reunite and then find a way to work things out. I had dreams of moving to be with him and the kind of life we would have together but I kept it all to myself. He knows what I want. I don’t have to say. It’s like Rori said on one of her videos…I am at his mercy. Even with two other suitors..one even thinks he’s in love with me..still, I want the London Boy. : ( Linda @ 96 I’ve had those dreams too. In the last one, I woke up crying, all my toenails had
    turned black and fell off and I remember saying, “Now none of them will want me”.



  104.  #104Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 7:56 am

    FW : Reading your comments it just seems to me like you might not be living your life the way you really want to so you feel triggered when he does.

    So right…I also feel like he’s one of the things in my way though – maybe again on a deeply unconscious level he’s just my excuse…



  105.  #105Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Sophie #104
    How very brave…
    You are looking at YOUR feelings…
    going deep and feeling those feelings
    And LOVING
    Your lack of power
    Loving YOUR
    feeling unlovable

    For me…
    I have found this is the ONLY way for ME
    to learn to LOVE ME MORE
    than any man!!



  106.  #106RhymeandReason on June 30, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Of course, London Boy is the only one I’ve slept with. Maybe that’s where this intensity comes from. Maybe I should sleep with the others? That sounded weird. But I really don’t care. I just want to be in control of what I feel and who I feel for. I know how to feel and how to express my feelings….Now..how do we turn off our feelings?



  107.  #107Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 8:10 am

    R&R…
    I wouldn’t be too hard on YOU…
    It takes a little while to get a perspective on a relationship…
    I feel you are being VERY brave and looking at the reality of LondonB…
    AND
    YOU are CDing…

    If it were me
    I would continue dating the cd that is in
    LOVE with YOU…
    He’s closer and a good opportunity to practice with someone where Yearning & Longing
    Isn’t part of the equation…
    Then see what comes up for YOU!



  108.  #108IamHis on June 30, 2014 at 8:19 am

    I leaned forward to let someone from high school know that I was going to be in town. It would feel good to see you, I told him. Want me to text you if I’m closer to where you are on Sunday night, he said. That’d be good, thank you, I said. He added me on Snapchat and immediately watched every story I put up for several days prior to my visit, & for the first few days of my visit . I leaned back. It was hard. He never got in touch with me, he knew how long I would be in town, told me he was sure he would see me, but never got in touch. I felt so angry! I feel sad, because I know he is not good for me, & it feels sad, because at our reunion, I felt so surprised, shy, scared, honored, & cherished. He looked at me in a way that made me feel like an angel. It feels so good when he touched me. Felt like a precious, cherished thing while I was with him. So hard to tell him all that. All I could do was tell him that it felt so good to see him. & all I could do was coo while he was talking to me and tell him he was so cute. He invited me to a bar after the reunion and I told him I couldn’t go because I still don’t drink and had to go to church the next day. He laughed and pulled me close to him and stroked my hair. He told me it was good to see me and hugged me again. I just kind of stood next to him and he stood over me and stroked my neck. That was several months ago and now I feel confused and ignored. I feel like I’ve grown up more than he has. That feels good. I feel needy for someone to touch me like he did. For someone who has known me as long as he has, because as up in the air and unsettled as I feel right now, someone, something familiar would feel so good. But I think something better feeling and unfamiliar would feel better. But unfamiliar feels scary. I feel lonely and scared right now.



  109.  #109Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 8:31 am

    R&R…
    Ohhh… noooo…
    It’s NOT the Rori way to turn OFF our feelings…

    Rori’s tools open the way to go deeper with our feelings…
    Maybe YOU could explore MORE AND LOVE your
    Wondering what else is coming up for you…
    Feelings
    of unlovable??

    I can feel you coming closer to
    YOUR POWER through this…



  110.  #110IamHis on June 30, 2014 at 8:32 am

    A guy came back in town after being gone for months. I feel so embarrassed because I always feel so nervous whenever he’s around. Sometimes I feel really tight and scared when he approaches.



  111.  #111Femininewoman on June 30, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Sophie I wonder if you would use your psychic/mental energy on yourself rather than this man I wonder if you would come up with ways of making more money that will help you take care of those wants you have been unable to?

    Such as “I wonder if I tried a new…………….”
    “I wonder if I did………………….
    I wonder if I went……………………”

    I would just play with things to see where my mind takes me. You might just be surprised.



  112.  #112Femininewoman on June 30, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Then again so many things can be done without including money.



  113.  #113IamHis on June 30, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Ug, I feel disappointed and kind of angry because feedback would feel so amazing. Feeling needy and alone and sad and frustrated! Uggg, I feel so angry I want to stomp!



  114.  #114Dominique on June 30, 2014 at 10:00 am

    IamHis – You already know this man isn’t good for you, and he let you down, maybe a pattern from before? Can you own that him not following through has anything to do with you?

    So can you then try to focus on what felt good in the short time you spent together? It seems this is all he’s able to give, so can enjoy what he WAS able to do, and try to let go of what he couldn’t?

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  115.  #115Indigo on June 30, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Sophie,

    I think you are really onto something when you describe the familiar feelings with these relationships, to how you felt as a teenager in your home.

    I had a similar home life, and I created, or re-lived, so many of the same feelings in the relationships I had in my 20’s. Since I’ve been on this profoundly healing journey, I’ve realized how important it is to create new feelings and new neural pathways so that I don’t keep getting drawn into feeling old, familiar, bad feelings. Making continuous shifts to better feelings has had a profoundly positive effect on my life.

    One place you can start is to ask yourself when you are telling yourself a “story”… and you’ll know you are doing that when you start to experience familiar negative feelings, and see if you can shift that belief somehow.

    I feel concerned for you, if you really want B out of your house and he is still there.

    x



  116.  #116Indigo on June 30, 2014 at 10:12 am

    IamHis,

    I agree with Dominique.

    Some people’s, actually many if not most people’s, role in our lives is purely episodic. They come for a short time to offer friendship or love or affection or whatever else, and then they are gone. Yes we may like them to stay, but we have to have the grace to let them go if that is what they are going to do.

    It’s like when Rori asks, are you flypaper, do you try to hang onto the men who flow into your life? There is a great deal of sireny joy and peace in just letting the men flow out of our lives who were never meant to stay. It’s a more gracious way to live than tying ourselves up in knots about why they don’t stay.

    xx



  117.  #117Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 10:42 am

    thank you FW I will try to do that. Key for me in what you said is ‘play with’ – that to me feels light and floaty which means the space where no resistance is. At the moment I’m more like I need to do this to bring in money and I need to do this and I’m not doing enough and I’m always getting upset about B then I lose my motivation – I see it a big hard rusty plate of fear based resistance – I will try and play and float through some ideas – ease and stretch into some new thinking

    Thank you Azure Blu – It feels good the encouragement you give – I have an image of you like a beautiful wise cheerleader always cheering us on πŸ™‚ You are right about the self-love too – I’m trying as much as I can against the constant turbulence of self-dislike and distrust caused by the triggers – I have my affirmation CD’s on EVERY night when I go to sleep – I am trying to be my own best friend

    Thank you Indigo – you always remind me gently gently slowly slowly – I am so impatient I want to feel my healing now! – I want to be able to say it’s been profound and I want desperately to be able to trust myself.

    I know Indigo – it’s back and forwards all the time – co-dependent as anything really – since losing his job he is terrified not just lazy and stubborn he needs to re-build everything and I/my home has become his cave and doing nothing seemingly the way he has coped -unfortunately I feel compassion and then that seems to be at the detriment of my own sanity…I don’t want to mother him but gently gently seems to be the only way to not have to have a huge drama of forcibly removing him and then I wonder if I’m just enabling him and he needs the huge drama to get him to move on

    Anyway, he seems to be making steps this week – at least he has today with doing some of the things he needs to do with finding work and home – so if he keeps doing that and I keep doing mine – (all the things I need to get better at doing self healing-wise and self loving wise…getting the money I need coming in…taking the focus off, taking the focus off, taking the focus off) we are moving in the right direction???…He needs to keep getting his life back together -one million percent – he needs to keep doing that

    Sorry Iamhis I don’t know your story very well, I would be happy to say what I think if I knew what you’d like advice on?



  118.  #118Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 10:46 am

    ((((Linda)))

    I agree with Azure Blu – I like what she wrote very much – sometimes it takes many times of going back. It reminded me a little bit of my last ex. I felt such an intense pull to him after he’d really been quite horrible but couldn’t shake it – then one day after one moment of going back it just clicked. Literally as dead as that – I saw him in a completely different light (in my case as the man he really was with nothing for me) and I never had an urge to see or contact him again – quite profound – I’ve not had it happen like that before.



  119.  #119Linda on June 30, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Well. I made my call. I felt nervous but resolved. I placed no blame on him. I simply said I do not want to see you this evening and I do not want to continue in this relationship. You have made it abundantly clear that you are not happy and I am not happy either. After all this tme the week of the silent treatment and the things you said to me Saturday are not gone. I cant flip a switch and act like they dont matter ,dismiss or forget them. We simply do not work and I am have no energy or desire to any longer.

    He said yeah the constant upheaval and all the drama and breakups .. I am done with. He started in to get the last word on me.. saying he wants a woman who is committed to him no matter what and he just does not see that happening. I said..the repetetive events like last week and saturday are exactly why I cant. I pulled the phone away from my ear and said goodbye.



  120.  #120prplpsn28 on June 30, 2014 at 11:05 am

    I feel done πŸ™ That’s about all I can say right now.



  121.  #121Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Linda…
    Beautiful, lovely Goddess!!!
    I feel sunshiny, bright reading
    how you stuck to YOUR boundaries with vulnerable FM for him!!!
    and softly stopped the conversation!!!
    Mmmmm… YYYYEEEESSSS!!!
    :~}



  122.  #122Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Dominque…
    This was just what I needed to hear today…

    “So can you then try to focus on what felt good in the short time you spent together? It seems this is all he’s able to give, so can enjoy what he WAS able to do, and try to let go of what he couldn’t?”

    Yes, all 4 of my last cds, whom I spent time with
    I had some MOST excellent times…
    Sooo much I learned from them…
    I am grateful we had the time together and I
    was able to see clearly what did and didn’t work and to softly and kindly (well not very kindly with BK) move on…



  123.  #123Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    (((Purple))) can we help you with any of your processing?



  124.  #124prplpsn28 on June 30, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Sophie…my thought process is so messed up right now. I really don’t know. I feel disrespected and like my feelings don’t matter but yet at the same time I can understand what H is trying to tell me and where he is coming from. I just feel done. My kids are gone now until Sunday eve so maybe this time to myself will help. I feel on the verge to end things with H. I think he is one of those emotionally unavailable men.



  125.  #125Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    (((Purple))) Are you going to do some nice things for yourself???

    Did you think about the question Indigo put to you, maybe on the last post? I remember you feeling like this about H a year ago at least – did something similar happen last birthday? xxx



  126.  #126prplpsn28 on June 30, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Sophie…I did see Indigo’s question. And I’m thinking alot about that. His daughters final and big volleyball competition alwaya falls on the wknd of my bday and it’s out of state. He doesn’t miss any meets at all and when they are happening his 1st and main focus is his daughter and he’s very busy. Which I totally understand. He’s an awesome dad and that’s one of the things I love about him. Sometimes I guess I feel left out. I don’t hear from him much and I guess cuz it was my bday I expected him to contact me that evening after the competition. He did however wish me a happy bday that morning. Tho there was no conversation. It was on fb.



  127.  #127Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Sophie #120 :-))
    You are soooo right… I’ve always been the cheerleader…
    Now that I have been working on the Rori tools
    I’ve managed to reign that back some
    so as NOT to give MYSELF away
    too much…
    Much more leaning back!! [:->
    Give me a G
    Give Me an O
    What ‘a ya got?
    GO Sophie!!!



  128.  #128Sophie on June 30, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    (((Purple))) I wouldn’t like that. I would also understand about the daughter but I would feel sad and disappointed. I like lots of attention especially on my birthday and I really like to feel included and part of things. That is me. I know that about myself. I hope I can make that a bottom line in the future. I don’t want things that make me feel sad. I want a man who is right there with me. I don’t feel able to offer ‘advice’ only you can find what’s right for you but I can share that about my own heart xxx

    Azure Blu – It feels so good to know Azure Blu that you look after you too xxx Azure Blu Azure Blu Azure Blu (that’s the crowds chanting :))



  129.  #129Linda on June 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Thank you for your support especially today. Our journey is our journey. The process each of us follow to live the life we want to live is not the same.

    There will be a hole in my life and I am sure I will find myself missing the things that I enjoyed with P. But..I feel so happy that I am not going to be catching grief every time I turn around.

    THere has got to be a man out there who brings to the table the things I found so desirable in him without all the things that caused me to feel so insecure and off balance.

    I feel sad that this didnt work but happy to let it go too.



  130.  #130Linda on June 30, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Purple. I remember lots of your posts from the past. I certainly would feel disinterested in a relationship with a man where I fell into the pecking order as you seem to with him.

    His commitment to his daughter is admirable but from where I sit his to you isn’t.

    What is it that he brings to the relationship that keeps you engaged in it?



  131.  #131Azure Blu on June 30, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    (((Sophie))) #131
    Ahhhh… it feels so good to have others chearleading for ME!!
    :^>



  132.  #132Lotus on June 30, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I realised that I don’t want to be with my husband anymore, as he would’ve stepped up if he loved me enough or if he had the capacity to end his r’ship with OW and win me back. The next day I happily went on a lovely date. Then husband got in touch today and came over and took me out, we sat in a park. I didn’t feel ready to tell him my decision, I thought he was going to tell me his. It didn’t happen. He told me how much he misses me on a day-to-day as well as my friendship. He invited me to hang out ‘properly’ this weekend and watch tour-de-france.
    I feel confused.. I feel I need to tell him when I feel ready. It seems we are both not ready to let go. I cried, he held me, sat me on his lap. He told me he’d been thinking of me lots this weekend.
    I said I feel calmer knowing that I’m not waiting for him anymore, having no expectations. This probably didn’t make sense to him as in my head, I was saying I’m moving on.
    I feel confused thinking of friendship. If i tell him I feel different, and want to move on, then maybe friendship would be good in due course, we still care about each other a lot, and have a laugh. but the siren diva in me says, he has to choose once and for all, if he wants me 100% or 0%. he can’t choose my lovely company without commitment.
    There’s so much going on at the moment, we just lost a friend too, so I prefer to have him close and not far.
    Emotions are like the wind, if we keep following them will we will end up being blown away? Can the head lead the heart at times like this?



  133.  #133Tam on June 30, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    What if you meet someone who is totally the opposite of what you thought you *liked* and completely out of your comfort and safety zone but treats you very well. I really struggle with that right now because I met someone who is on all accounts a bit rough for me, in the way of looks (long hair, tattoos, smokes, drinks, and seems more or less un-successfully self employed – maybe too much of all that lol), he is not nearly as educated as I am (I mean that in a very factual way, not ‘judgmental’)), and I am and have always been the ‘good girl’ and ‘goody two shoes’ and am so totally not attracted to that type of person, and never even been on a single date with someone like that. Thing is, the guy himself if you strip all that ‘stuff’ away is actually very nice and sweet and although we only had one proper date and met twice, is constantly in contact/communication and making future plans, and there is definitely a spark. But he knows and I know that we don’t match, because from day one he said ‘don’t judge me’ and when he first made attempts to meet, they were so clumsy (sending a text at 10pm to ‘hang out’) that I rejected it all until he made a proper plan. LOL.
    So we spent the first long date with his friends playing games and then the two of us on the beach and dinner, and it was a lot of fun and nice and I like his friends too…hmm.
    I guess just take it day by day..although it strikes me as odd to be dating someone I wouldn’t introduce to my family most likely, or some of my friends here as he really wouldn’t fit in. Strikes me almost as a waste of my time…what a horrible thing to say.
    But it’s true. I also don’t really want to fall for someone who is unstable job wise and I would worry about him meeting friends and family, an them judging him and so on…
    I know, just take one moment at a time and have fun..just wondering if anyone ever had a similar experience. Totally new to me at 38 years old. He is just a year younger than me.



  134.  #134Linda on June 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    After the way I felt this morning and my follow thru today I thought I would feel really happy. I remember how I felt months ago when I chose to be without P in my life. I had this inner tingle and feeling of contentment. I dont today. I feel sad remembering all the things he said to me Saturday and how I felt all last week.. uneasy and agitated.

    It really astounds me that think he could just behave like he did with no consideration of my emotional well being. Being painted by his words hurt and stung. You dont treat people you love like that. You dont create warmth and safety and relationship like that. If I did not care I would not feel loss tonight.

    I had a stone cold revelation as I was eating my dinner tonight. I could not actually remember the last time I felt giddy and excited to see him.

    Well at least I am not piney after him just down that I am another year older and still alone. But will add that I would rather be alone than settle for an emotional bully who is an awesome lover… or a emotionally safe relationship with no intimacy (my marriage)…

    and no matter what he said I did hear every word he said.. even when it was over and over over.



  135.  #135Millie on June 30, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Curiosity got the better of me… I texted J yesterday and we ended up going out. I can’t help feeling like something isn’t right…maybe something isn’t or maybe it’s my insecurity surfacing. I’m going back to leaning back…
    And we will see what happens. I think I need to go out with more men.



  136.  #136Tereana on June 30, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    (((Linda))) I have so much admiration for you right now. I think you rock!

    IAmHis – it’s good to see you on here again! : )



  137.  #137Zia on June 30, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    More experiences…. I was feeling upset last night about my mother being in hospital. I was sitting on the floor after I’d been crying, with my phone in my hand literally with my finger over the call button trying to decide if I should call my bf or not…. and I did. And he said to me he is always there for me to call whenever I need. Even if its just to sit quietly on the other end of the phone with me.

    I feel like I’m busting through so many barriers at the moment. The good guys out there, they will be there for you no matter what.



  138.  #138Zia on June 30, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Also… in chatting with male friends who I have known for many years, they have shared with me memories of me that have stuck in their minds.. from years and years ago. It feels nice when someone can share with you how you have made an impact on them.



  139.  #139Liquid Light on June 30, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    I had my first day today at my new job and it went well. I am so relieved. Everyone was nice and it was very easy going…Woohooo! And I’m moving into my awesome new apartment soon!!! Yay!!!!!



  140.  #140Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 12:09 am

    Purple,

    πŸ™ Being neglected on my birthday would feel so horrible and disappointing for me. There was a time when something like that would have made me want to throw a tantrum like a little girl! Last year over my birthday, I was dating a guy (ok it had only been a few weeks) who went away for the weekend over my birthday, and all he did was send a couple of text messages wishing me, and asking what I was up to. He didn’t call, or bring me a gift when he got back or anything. I wasn’t very invested in him, but it did bring home to me that birthdays are important for me. I need a fuss (even small one) made for me on my birthday. It’s not something I’m willing to sell myself short on.

    Does H know how you feel about birthdays? Have you told him from your heart?



  141.  #141Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 12:19 am

    Yesterday D invited me to have lunch with him. I felt all tingley and girlishly excited… I still feel this way after 4 years every time I’m about to see him, soft butterflies fluttering between my tummy and my heart, big smile on my face. It was just lunch and yet it’s been a while, it’s such a treat to see him in the middle of a work day.

    And when we said goodbye he leaned over and put his hand around my waist and planted a kiss on my lips and I walked away feeling floaty and glowy in the sunshine.



  142.  #142IamHis on July 1, 2014 at 2:58 am

    I don’t know where the comments went, but Indigo and Dominique, thank you sooo much for your feedback. It felt amazing, & was what I was needing and wanting to hear. It feels so good to get exactly what I wanted! I feel thankful and humbled, even by these small, sweet responses.



  143.  #143IamHis on July 1, 2014 at 3:03 am

    @140 Tereana – aww, thank you! I feel happy, shy, & honored. πŸ™‚



  144.  #144Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 3:58 am

    IamHis,

    You are very welcome, and though it may not seem like it at first… letting go of unsuitable or uncommitted men is actually a joyous experience which frees up physical and emotional space in your life.



  145.  #145Linda on July 1, 2014 at 5:38 am

    I was remembering a post from here about how relationships are messy. Being alone is easy. There certainly are no demands or expectactions placed on you which does create a pretty non-stressful life. But then there is the lonliness thing that creates an itch to seek companionship.

    For the most part I enjoy the freedom that being single affords me. Yet my goal in life is to not be alone but would most certainly like to share myself and life with a man in marriage again.

    Over the time I was seeing P there were certainly lots of things I had been looking for I found in him. They were indeed wonderful ! There were times I felt I had really hit the jackpot. I know that he felt the same because he said so.

    I can as Dominique often interjects… be greatful for the great things I experienced and be that much closer to actually knowing exactly what works and does not work for you in a relationship. Each of the relationships I have had in my life have taught me so much about me. Being here in this community has too.

    I realized this morning that one of the reasons I kept going back to P was that he fed the woman in me. I believe with all my heart that he truly was attracted to me physically the chemistry was almost always amazing in our intimacy. Today I confess that I feel fearful that I will not find another man who will. He was the first one ever in my lifetime really. So this event has uncovered that belief in me. I really sad about this feels a huge loss.

    The deal breaker for me was my inability to be ok with his “angry revengeful payback behavior”. Plus there is this nagging concern running the background of my mind that he would only be truly happy when he had complete say over my life. Yes this man wanted me in his life but HIS way.

    There is a definate trail of relationship carnage in his life. Lots of dating relationships that did not work (by his admission) 3 failed marriages with ex’s he actively loathes. (no exageration here). He is angry at and refuses contact with all three of his siblings because they are all selfish,hurtful and disloyal. AND until recently two of his three adult children would not speak to him and it was that way for several years. I dont know what all that means but…it does give me cause for concern. I personally have found him to be very touchie, defensive and hard to get along with though.

    I so wished that that part of him was healed or different or was not there but it is and he is right … I could not commit( no matter what) to a man who has the emotional age of child even though I tried.



  146.  #146Tam on July 1, 2014 at 5:59 am

    Hm. About letting go of unsuitable and uncommitted men…I think one sees the loght finally, when someone comes along who behaves the opposite way, even if maybe not suitable for a long term relationship because lf other differences.

    I had a total aha moment once again. I was dating this lovely, sweet, stable guy with whom i had so much in common, but I never let myself fall for him because I never felt he was ‘all in’, connection slipped, I would not hear from him for a whole day, or he would be very clingy and then create distance. He is such a good guy though, and I thought ‘maybe we are just different’, turns out that he is emotionally unavailable and just poofs whenthings get difficult, he wanted to meet and then botched up all the meetings, pretending he didn’t see my emails etc. and jn the end just dropping off and not engaging (stonewalling me), he just poofed.
    This totally confused me for a bit because I thought there was no way such a ‘good guy’ could be so non-committal and unavailable. I kept thinking, somehow it must be me at fault because when we were together, he treated me so well and was so affectionate.

    Well, guess what. I met this totally unsuitable guy (see above), and I know already this won’t go anywhere, BUT he showed me WHY things with the other guy felt so off. Now I know. This one does not let the connection slip, he is contacting me, or even checking out and telling me ‘I will be busy today but I’ll check in with you later’, I never asked him to or even reply to everything etc., but he just does this naturally, which is so nice.
    No wonder I never felt any real connection with the nice guy, plus afger 10 months of on-off dating he still never asked for a commitment or included me in the future.
    I was flogging a dead horse, even by still dating him and waiting…and hoping.
    Now I know.



  147.  #147Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 6:32 am

    Tam 152,

    I know just what you mean. I was dating this really “nice” guy earlier this year. He was the typical nice guy – good friend turned romantic interest, showed up with flowers and chocolates and thoughtful gifts, was extremely affectionate and cuddley, seemed besotted with me. But… it turns out he was emotionally unavailable. He had a harem of female friends who always seemed to somehow come first, he dealt with conflict by shutting down communication, and he only later admitted that he actually wasn’t looking for a committed relationship. I thought it was me, and whilst I did certainly learn some valuable things from this relationship, I could never really put my finger on what was wrong until I was with someone who was completely different.



  148.  #148Tam on July 1, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Indigo, YES! I remember your story about the harem!
    That resonated with me at the time too, and really, I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with that either.
    My guy still had a major connection with his ex, like major, he once even dropped a romantic weekend with me to tend to her needs, or her cats needs to be precise.
    I wanted this to work, really, but now I believe the same thing, he doesn’t want a committed relationship. The thing is here, he thinks he does, but in actual fact, he can’t do it. Whether it is due to his issues or still being so attached to the ex, who knows, probably both. Very sad, because we were actuallly in many ways perfect for each other.
    But no use if a man can’t do it.



  149.  #149Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 6:54 am

    Tam,

    Your stories always make me laugh! Ditching a romantic weekend with you to feed his ex-girlfriend’s cat. Jees. Mine had an ex-love interest in his harem who was always his go-to person – whether he needed help purchasing a gift or a lift to the airport, there she was. It bugged me immensely.

    But in all fairness to him, his emotional unavailability was a mirror of my own. I was in love with someone else, was trying to distract myself, had already broken up with him once before, and deep down, didn’t really expect it to work out.



  150.  #150Femininewoman on July 1, 2014 at 7:16 am

    “There will be a hole in my life”

    Linda I believe power follows thought and this is the reasons these types of things jump out at me and I tend to zero in on commenting.

    It seems to me that you are creating this hole and holding yourself back. What if you could flip this belief and walk around as if? Ask yourself why have you decided that there needs to be a hole in your heart.



  151.  #151Tam on July 1, 2014 at 7:22 am

    I know it’s funny, believe me at the time it was not funny, I called him ‘pussy man’ lol.
    It felt very hurtful and disappointing. And very similarly, even when he needed clothes, he would go to his ex for opinions. OMG. Honestly!!
    In the end I felt like the mistress to the marriage!
    Hm. Yes, but even had you been over the other person, this guy would have driven you nuts in the end. I was totally clear and happy and open for a new relationship, and still…it takes two to tango.
    The weird thing is that I think he is in love with me, he just can’t do it. I had experience with this before, the ‘being in love’ and still not being able to have a relationship, so it wasn’t as heartbreaking this time. Just disappointing.
    Eh.
    Now I am seemingly dating someone I wouldn’t even bring around to my parents maybe…lmao..so that won’t go anywhere either. Anyhow, maybe just a bit of fun.
    Sigh.



  152.  #152Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Tam,

    You are right. This was a man who always seemed to be yearning for a relationship or to be in love. Until I finally asked myself, if he wanted it so badly, why didn’t he have it? I don’t believe any woman could, or should be expected to, compete with the ghosts of girlfriends past around every corner.

    I just meant there was a reason I was drawn to him at that particular time in my life. I don’t feel that same pull now that I’ve “got” the message.

    And… we can only laugh about these things with a bit of distance πŸ™‚ at the time it was very hurtful and destroying!



  153.  #153iris on July 1, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Hello Sirens,

    I am reaching out, because I have been feeling lonely recently. I started watching the videos from Rori’s collection, and I wish I can talk to my friends or boyfriend or somebody about it. I have been feeling a lot of emotions, and I feel excited for feeling like I am expanding, but I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my girlfriends or especially my boyfriend. (As Rori suggests anyway.)

    I want to share with you, ladies, my experience in watching a couple of Rori’s programs. I had a dark night of the soul last Sunday, and I felt in my anxiety, an urge to watch the complete collection–and still watching, because it’s actually quite a lot of material!

    What I want in watching a marathon of the videos from Rori’s collection is to just feel better. I want to feel relaxed, calm, and strong on the inside. I realize now that it has been very easy to show my softness on the outside through my words and body language. Now I am ready to get strong on the inside.

    What does that look like to me?

    Not feeling guilty or ashamed of my feelings, and not to apologize for the emotions I feel. And rather, feel them, honor them, know the feelings have a power to allow a lot of wonderful things to happen such as expansion and learning lessons; and that my intuition has strength because it is my heart, and my heart is my compass leading the way.

    I don’t want to feel resistant to feeling jealous, angry, insecure, sad, and anxious. I had been resisting those feelings for years.

    I want to feel jealous, angry, insecure, sad, and anxious, and have the ability to NOT do anything.

    I want to appreciate all the love that is coming towards me.

    I want to feel more secure in my relationship with my boyfriend.

    I want to stop looking at marriage as some kind of goal, and I want to fight the feeling to rush into it.

    I want to get married, and get my happy every after. And what I mean by happy-ever-after is having a realistic view of marriage, instead of the fantasies of TV and movies, and that I can accept myself and my future husband.

    I want to be able to trust myself, my words, and my actions.



  154.  #154Tam on July 1, 2014 at 8:14 am

    159 Indigo, ain’t that the truth!!

    The challenge is to stay open when we have so many experiences, well I did, of men just not coming to the party even when they seemingly have feelings for us. It is almost like a disease, this commitment shyness…and I believe many of us are not needy and actually pretty reasonable and give things time bla bla. And it’s all very well to be circular dating, and yes it helps, but when there is one who seems to fit so well, it is difficult to treat everybody the same because one is naturally drawn to some people and not to others.

    Hm. I have given up, actually, not in a bitter way but in a more factual and logical way. I try to stay open, as much as I can, but I truly had one experience after the other , and without any success stories in between it feels tough to still believe my guy is out there for me.

    Maybe my guy is just not able to do it. Maybe my guy is married to another woman. Maybe I will meet him when I am 60. Maybe never. And that’s ok.

    I need to get to the point where I just don’t care anymore.
    Right now I am really being challenged to stay open with this new guy who is the total opposite of me and ordinarily I might not even have gone for a date with him because he is a little scary in looks and past. Judgments and stereotypes. But, who cares. I will just date him as long as it feels fun. Perhaps that is the lesson with all this. One day at a time, no overthinking and just doimg what I want. Giving up on relationship a bit, and internet dating, and on trying to find a life partner almost makes it easier.



  155.  #155Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 8:15 am

    ((((Iris))))
    Ohhh… darling Siren
    What you are sharing just sounds so Yummy!!!

    I remember when you posted you had purchased the complete set of RR programs…
    It feels soooo luxurious and Self Loving to do a RR marathon!!!
    I feel jealous…
    I feel very happy for YOU!!
    It is my feeling that sharing your thoughts here on Siren Island is therapy for YOU and US!!
    Thanx



  156.  #156iris on July 1, 2014 at 8:29 am

    #161 @ Azure BluNo, awww! Thanks for sharing the love. Yes, sharing my feelings here always feels therapeutic! Thanks for listening!

    I started with Modern Siren, then went to Reconnect your Relationship, and now I’m in the middle of Commitment Blueprint. While watching the programs, I sometimes feel anxious, insecure, and triggered; but at the same time I also feel excited to use the tools, and compassion towards myself πŸ˜€



  157.  #157Linda on July 1, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Ahhh yes. FW this is something I just put my finger on this swimming around in my soup bowl this morning!. There does not need to be a hole.

    I realized this morning that one of the main reasons I kept going back to P was that he appreciated the “woman” in me. It took me a while to believe it but he truly was attracted to me physically and our physical relationship almost always awesome. I have never had that in my life. It also one of the main reasons I left my marriage. ( No attraction and intimacy for years). I feel afraid that I will never find another man who will. He was the first one ever in my lifetime of 55 years!

    I am glad to realize this but it does not make the feelings I have go away. They have some power over me. My sadness and indecisiveness is seated here too. If I really sink down into this I feel all kinds of panicicky things. It even makes me want to contact him be explainy. ugh!

    How do I flip it when my experience has proven it true. Walk around as if? I dont get it



  158.  #158Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Tam 160,

    Dominique gave me some wonderful words of wisdom and comfort once when I really felt it was never going to happen for me.

    I won’t attempt to paraphrase her, but I will just say, it’s all good! Your journey is unique and it will all happen when it’s meant to and not a moment before… if you can trust in that rather than “not caring” it might feel a bit better. At least it did for me. AND things started to fall into place.

    x



  159.  #159Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Linda…
    Ahhh… I understand how you’re feeling about the joy and chemistry… the Yummy passion of physical intimacy with P after soooo many years without,,,

    I had the same with BK… 2 yrs
    WOW… I hadn’t had that in 7 years (I DID have it with my fiance for 6 mnth and then he died in a car accident) and 10 years before that (no sex)
    Sooo the thrill of HOT, steamy, joyful mutual enjoyment was exhilarating!!!
    AND VERy difficult to give up!!!
    BUT the torture of the on-again off-again,
    crumbs,
    feeling like a booty call
    constant Yearning
    and longing
    pushing every trigger I ever had…
    for the last year
    I realized he was my mirror
    ME not being able to sustain
    emotional intimacy
    Soooo It was SOOOO hard to give up
    but baby step by baby step of
    ME learning to LOVE ME…
    I filled in MY Yearning
    and LONGINGs with MY LOVE FOR ME!!!

    But I do feel disappointed that I am always saying “NOT HIM” many, many times and
    I soooo want to say “YES, he’s the one!!”



  160.  #160Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 9:15 am

    MarikaBerg,

    It has not been that long with this man, am I right? A month or two? Please be careful you’re not creating an imaginary relationship. I find it very helpful to have a list of things to do which I love doing and which feel good, for when my mind goes off into these wandering tailspins.



  161.  #161Tam on July 1, 2014 at 9:16 am

    165, Indigo, that sounds good….it’s kind of like the same thing, no? πŸ™‚



  162.  #162Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 10:41 am

    MarikaB…
    Gentle, sweet siren…
    This to me, feels like you are being soooo harsh on YOU

    “Pretzel time! lol. But I am feeling better, facing facts as hard as it is…going to do things for me and try to have plans. I know I was stalking, and told myself, okay, what good did that do for you? None! so stop it already!!”
    If it were me I would…
    LOVE YOUR stalking…
    We are here to remind you that YOU are the PRIZE…
    NOT him…

    Gently and softly take YOUR Pot Of Love…
    and carefully slathering YOURSELF with the warm,
    lovely cream… softly…
    starting with your hair, forehead, eyebrows, eyelashes….and all over YOU…
    Give YOURSELF the LOVE you are craving…
    xoxoxoxo



  163.  #163Labbit on July 1, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Hello Sirens! I feel amazing this week, I don’t even know why and it’s grand. Love has just been radiating out of me and it seems like people everywhere are friendly, warm and inviting. I feel my fountain getting water from all sorts of people! I did end things with one CD yesterday because he is moving away, I shared some love and well-wishes for him and he got very surly, and it made me feel sad for a couple of hours but I was soon back in the warm glow of positive vibes. They seem to be coming from everywhere!

    My other CDs are heating up. New men are already coming my way to replace the CD that has been dropped from the rotation. Lots of attention, flirting and feeling soft and cared for. It feels different to receive where I used to be all give all the time. I like this feeling! And it makes the times when I give in return feel more whole. No more giving to get. Now that just feels icky.

    What’s different now is that normally I’d only feel wonderful AFTER a man made me feel good. Now I feel good and then the men are adding on top of those fantastic feelings! I feel so full, like my heart is radiating light out of my chest. I can picture my dream man more and more these days, and I feel him drawing ever closer. He might already be in my circle…how lovely if he is.

    Iris 160 — this is beautiful! The echo of everything you’ve said is landing on my heart and it feels so good. I wish we could put some of these beautiful feelings in a jar to open on the days we’re not feeling so great.



  164.  #164Kyla on July 1, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    I feel so slow today, like walking in water, slowed. Lots of packing still to do, no more job to stress about and I’m crossing things off the moving list. Ninja is in the garage fixing things and the kids are enjoying Canada Day celebrations with my parents. Everyone is happy and everything is getting done. I just feel so slow and thats ok too.

    Received divorce papers from exh, basing the divorce on our separation agreement that he threw out the window a month ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since he decided to stop child support and cut daughter off. Son hasn’t heard from him since either. I feel uncertain whether to consent and then apply to enforce it from my country or if I should contest it to have it heard in my country rather than his. Seems like a lot of expense and hassle either way and not sure if its worth it. My mom facebook snooped him and told me he’s engaged so kinda feel like just consenting, letting him remarry and move on and not even bothering enforcing the child support because we are just fine by ourselves over here. I guess it will be the kids who decide whether they want to reach out to him then. I feel very neutral, there must be something deeper I’m feeling about it but all I can feel in me around this is mehh, indifference, apathy, boredom. Will ask my lawyer friends here and there if there is any future disadvantage to just letting it go through and if not I will just not respond and let whatever happens happen.



  165.  #165Kyla on July 1, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Things usually work out just perfectly for me when I go with the flow. And finally getting the official divorce papers without any effort on my part would be nice. When I tried to get them last year so I could marry R it was used as a bargaining chip.. which I guess worked out very well for me as once we decided to postpone the wedding I was able to reevaluate our relationship and decide to let that go too. Hm.. life has taken me on an interesting course, I am 10 months into my ‘change everything’ and in 2 weeks not a single aspect of my life will be the way it was last year.. I’m ahead of plan and still have 2 months to figure out how to do my real work. Maybe I will turn my journal into a book once I get there lol



  166.  #166Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Labbitt.
    Your sunshiny happiness is shining all the way up here!!!

    Me too… invisioning the man who is my perfect match!!!



  167.  #167iris on July 1, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    #172 @ Labbit πŸ˜€



  168.  #168luzydel on July 1, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Blogs like this feels so 1950’s bleh! Who cares what men really want and why should I create or become anything to please him? My life and happiness is about me, if a man fits my life he is welcome in it, but I do not want to change or become anything I am not comfortable to find a man.

    I want to become attractive to me… Now that is challenging.



  169.  #169Zia on July 1, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Tam – I’m currently dating a guy who, when looking at the other guys I was accepting dates with was “not my type”. But like you I decided to stay open to him and give him a go because of how amazing he made me feel.

    It’s been about 6 months now and the relationship is the healthiest, happiest, most secure one I have *ever* been in πŸ™‚



  170.  #170Tereana on July 1, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Luzydel – I don’t know where your negativity is coming from at this moment, but I didn’t read anything like that in the article – and I agree with you strongly. It seems like a terrible idea to “change yourself” for a man, because how would he then love the real you? He couldn’t. So, to me, I think what you are saying is actually the same idea – become irresistably attractive *to you* and then he will see your radiant sexy siren goddess self.

    When we’re talking about what turns a man on or not, I don’t think it’s really about “changing” who we are. It might mean adjusting our practices so that we can be MORE of who we are, and more comfortable with ourselves, and therefore with him. It’s about being more authentic.

    That list at the end is a list of NON turn-ons. Just in case you read that wrong…

    Love you, LD!



  171.  #171Tereana on July 1, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Iris (160) – yay! It sounds like you are taking this all in rather well : )



  172.  #172Tereana on July 1, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Having a little trouble sleeping. I stayed up to have a conversation with one of my new roommates, who is very cool and I like her. We were talking all kinds of pregnancy and birth stuff (she’s a nursing student doing a rotation on a maternity ward. Cool!) It was so interesting, I didn’t even look at the clock or anything. But then that kind of amped me up, and then it’s harder to sleep. Lol.

    I’ll be going to the west coast to house-sit for two weeks! It’s like a mini-vacation!! (mini only because I will be working the whole time. But yay! It will be so happy :- )

    And I’ve just noticed something about why I might be feeling better and more relaxed lately. Well, a few things. 1) more vitamin D (yay!), 2) less travel time for work, 3) a place to live (duh), 4) I get lots of alone time, AND I get to talk to people sometimes – that is, roommates who live in the house, so I don’t feel “alone” or lonely. That’s all really cool stuff!!



  173.  #173Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    Tereana#182
    So glad to hear you are in your new apt!!! It all sounds so very perfect!!
    You do sound very relaxed…
    Yay for a 2 week vaca… always good to get out of town for awhile!!



  174.  #174Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    LuzyDel
    I felt the same way when I read this blog post…
    It had a certain “what you need to do to get your man”

    “Attraction doesn’t really change for a man.
    It just gets more challenging to create.”
    When I read this it just didn’t have the usual Rori vibe of “relax, learn to love YOU… and the rest will fall into place”
    It felt like more of a panicky…
    “men start getting more difficult to “catch” after 40 vibe”…
    From what I have learned from the Rori tools…
    I LOVE ME… that’s all that matters..
    I am happy with or without a man…
    Which is the perfect vibe to attract all kinds of GREAT people into my life.
    :~>



  175.  #175Azure Blu on July 1, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    Zia
    πŸ™‚



  176.  #176Veronica on July 1, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Sophie – 44 – Aw thank you. I feel encouraged : ) xx



  177.  #177Veronica on July 1, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    I feel excited about practicing more self-love – it feels so good to have this going on inside me while I go about my day. (I’ve wanted this for quite a while.) I enjoy the gentle openness – at this stage it still seems a delicate and subtle position to be in. The best way I can describe it is as β€˜non-trying’. There’s this open space now left – and some men come forward with their kindness or contact – one man wanted to be heard by me, I could feel his energy coming my way, and wanting to be seen.

    I feel a thrill in having to trust my body, to relax and trust in myself, and also to confide in myself. Also noticing how being this kind of gentle works for me – that noticing is like a lover’s gaze, that is how I’m noticing me.



  178.  #178Indigo on July 1, 2014 at 11:29 pm

    LuzyDel,

    Whenever I’ve concerned myself with “strategies” (which, admittedly, hasn’t been much) to attract or lure a man, that is how I felt. Why should I be working so hard? Why shouldn’t I be able to just relax and be myself? Anyway, I’ve thrown all notion of “strategy” out the window.

    When a man intrigues me, attracts me, wants to please me, where I feel the potential to connect with his heart… this makes me want to intrigue him, attract him, please him, connect with him in turn. It becomes a positive feedback loop where I am both giving and rewarded. My point is, I don’t care about being a woman for all men… I care about being a woman for *my* man, someone who has earned that right, and it’s not to please him exactly, it’s to create a relationship that is rewarding, joyous and safe for me (and him too, because that gives me pleasure).



  179.  #179Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 2:12 am

    Indigo – I liked hearing about the nice time you were able to have with D πŸ™‚



  180.  #180Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 2:15 am

    Thank you Sophie πŸ™‚

    I’ve hesitated to share it here, but he is on new medication and we’ve been having a lovely time together recently πŸ™‚



  181.  #181Linda on July 2, 2014 at 3:30 am

    That is great Indigo ! THere are times I wish P would have sought help like that. He was so hard to get along with. I thought we were doing great and boom! Nope guess we werent. I truly feel like I was dealing with a man with two personalities.



  182.  #182Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 3:45 am

    Linda,

    I can imagine. That is exactly how it was with D for so long. The previous medication he was on (which was actually mild chemotherapy drugs) made things so much worse – he used to get tired, irritable and moody to the point of aggression. He was VERY difficult at times. The new medication has made a HUGE difference, and he is so much more relaxed and positive. How I hung in there sometimes I have no idea, but I was all the while working on myself and this made a HUGE difference as well. I have finally come to a really good place about it all.

    As you say, they have to WANT to seek help, heal, make things better. I have noticed a huge positive improvement in how we are together, and it has come from both of us.



  183.  #183Tam on July 2, 2014 at 4:53 am

    Wow Indigo, that sounds great…the man clearly keeps coming back to you time and time again.
    Sounds almost like my MrP, though sadly he never looked for help either, he has a few problems and personality issues….having said that, I think even if he was in Therapy or whatever, at his age (53), I doubt he would be able to have or want a committed relationship.
    I like it when a man recognizes things and decides to work on it. A lot of men do not even have the awareness and tend to project it on others, or the worlds lol..
    Good luck with it πŸ™‚



  184.  #184Tam on July 2, 2014 at 5:00 am

    I have a date with the wild child tonight. I still feel so judgmental of the way he looks and the way he lives his life…ugh. I even suspected him of throwing a cigarette off my balcony, and the condo nazis found it and wrote an email to us all not to throw cigarettes off the balcony. Lmao. I mentioned it to him and he said he didn’t even smoke in my place. I was in the bathroom getting changed from the beach to go for dinner with him.
    He sent me pictures of his parents and they look like normal people, lol, I thought they were hippies or something, well…anyway. I had no idea I was so prejudiced, so this is really challenging me.
    I don’t know what bothers me most, that he smokes, drinks (too much possibly), is covered in tattoos, and is self employed (without much success it seems). I think it might be the combination. Too much for this straight laced girl here.

    Anyhow, I like him and he is into a lot of stuff I am into (photography and boating, ocean stuff), so I will just have fun with it until I don’t anymore. I don’t have to marry him! Lol
    That would never happen lmao.



  185.  #185Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 5:11 am

    Tam,

    I cannot explain it. He has kept coming back to me despite really overwhelming odds, and this is something I have never experienced with any man before. There were times I had nothing except my love for him and this vague idea in the back of my mind that I needed to work through this for my own good.

    We have been through a lot together over the years, stuff which would have sent most other people running for the hills, and somehow come through it with our deep affection for each other and bond intact. We understand each other instinctively and have a great well of peacefulness and contentment and shared interests which has made for some very happy times, the happiest I have ever had. The issues we have had to deal with have NOT been for the faint of heart.

    I don’t know whether he would ultimately be capable of the ultimate commitment… I think so, but I have learnt to let that go. Key to being able to create a healing space for him has been never pushing him further than he can go or expecting more than he can do at a given time. It has to come from him. And this has created a healing space for me.

    I don’t know if any of this makes sense. It’s hard to put into words. All I’ve really had all along was an intuitive knowing, but it seems to keep getting better and better as we heal.



  186.  #186Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 5:11 am

    Anyway, thank you Tam πŸ™‚ it has been a strangely painful and yet very rewarding journey



  187.  #187Tam on July 2, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Indigo. That sounds healthy, and I understand you are not cutting yourself off from meeting other men, right?
    The only worry I would have for me, would be not to get stuck on a man who doesn’t have the same relationship vision as I do, and it happened to me a couple of times, and once for very similar reasons as to what you described. I could be calling it a waste of my time, but it was so good (as well as bad) at the time, that there was definitely a lot in it for me. I just wish I hadn’t ‘wished’ and ‘hoped’ for him to come around. I kind of looked at it like you, just staying in the moment etc. but found it lasted only so long until I started feeling frustrated or he pulled away again, as it was very push-pull. I just wish I had seen earlier that it would never develop into anything healthy and committed. But hey, I don’t regret it. It’s life and was a good lesson as well!



  188.  #188Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Hey Tam,

    Yes I understand. Yes, I am still staying open to other men, still going on dates, and if I were looking for all-in commitment, marriage and kids right now I would be singing a very different tune! Luckily I have the luxury of feeling that I still have a few years to go before it will be the right time for that for me. My career/business is up in the air right now, etc.

    I think you are approaching it the right now. And the fact that you are learning as you go means you cannot go wrong πŸ™‚



  189.  #189Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 5:45 am

    oops, *the right way



  190.  #190Tam on July 2, 2014 at 5:55 am

    πŸ™‚ I play it by ear now. I’m nearly 40 and kind of gave up on that whole family suburbia thing lol. I don’t think it was ever my cup of tea anyway, so no rush. I feel quite liberated in many ways, a bit like you say, it’s all not so high on my agenda right now, I also have my work life and general life to sort out…



  191.  #191Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Tam,

    Yep. I don’t want kids and I’ve already been married… I’m really in no rush at all, which for some reason seems to be difficult for most people to understand. I’d rather arrive at things *my* way than have some way of life forced onto me because it seemed like a great idea to someone else.



  192.  #192Tam on July 2, 2014 at 6:09 am

    I hear ya Indigo. I never said never to kids, nor did I say ‘yes’ to them. If I had had a partner who really wanted kids, why not. Though now I feel it is almost too late because before I have kids with anyone, I would like to enjoy the relationship for some time, do things as a couple and get married. As it is I don’t even have the relationship lol.
    All good, I never felt a huge pull towards motherhood either. I feel very fortunate about that, else my head would be spinning now!



  193.  #193Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Indigo…
    I feel soft, peaceful and warm summer breezes
    reading about your journey with D…

    I know you have shared the ups AND downs of it all…
    but sooo nice to read about a journey of love…
    Love for YOU and him



  194.  #194Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 6:16 am

    Tam#200…
    You sound like a bit of a rebel yourself here…. ;0)
    “I’m nearly 40 and kind of gave up on that whole family suburbia thing lol. I don’t think it was ever my cup of tea anyway, so no rush. I feel quite liberated in many ways,”
    When you talk about your new cd… maybe you have more in common with him than you think??
    Just my thoughts…



  195.  #195Tam on July 2, 2014 at 6:21 am

    Azure Blu..lol! I never saw it that way. I am such a goody two shoes, but you have a very good point here!!
    I am more of an adventurer type, travelling etc.
    He is more of a ‘lived in the same small town all his life and rebelled right there’ type.
    Maybe!
    Though I don’t smoke, have tattoos or drink more than a couple of glasses of wine at any one time. God knows what else he does…..I am about to find out I suppose.
    Having real trouble staying open and non-judgmental here…but early days. He might poof…hahaha.



  196.  #196Tam on July 2, 2014 at 6:22 am

    I never saw myself as a rebel, more a single profssional who likes to travel. Hm. Interesting. Is not having kids and family being a rebel? Maybe? Or are we as a society not past that?
    Made me think.



  197.  #197Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 6:27 am

    welll…. it’s been 5 days since i broke off my 3 month dating with MN…

    First of all… I felt big relief…
    of course thoughts of “yeah, but he was such a good guy in many ways… maybe I made a mistake by breaking it off…”
    Then I noticed I started making jokes again…
    laughing with my son…
    singing out loud…
    laughing out loud at things on TV…
    I do feel much better…

    I’m taking a break from dating right now…
    6 guys in the past 2 years who I’ve gotten to know
    but had to say no to… some longer than others…
    feeling like a serial dater…

    Feeling sooo good about MY LOVE for ME!!!
    Not a deep soul jerking longing for someone in my life… Ahhhh… that feels sooo peaceful…
    I can thank RR tools and my courageous, soft, gentle baby stepping forward!!!
    Thank you AZURE for LOVING ME so much that you NEVER give up on wanting happiness for me…
    I feel loved!!!



  198.  #198Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Thank you Azure Blu πŸ™‚

    As a great man once said, LOVE is the answer πŸ™‚



  199.  #199Tam on July 2, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Azure Blu…I am often taking a break from dating, and this is usually when random guys fall into my lap, like tattoo boy πŸ˜‰
    You just *never* know πŸ˜‰
    I love taking beaks and concentrating on myself….



  200.  #200Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Tam…
    maybe under his tough exterior there is a man who is…
    masculine
    funny
    thoughtful
    kind, etc…
    I think you mentioned his ability to do connection…
    like you said it’s nice to experience that so you are learning more about what you DO want…

    I’ve had several cds in the past who hadn’t really done much traveling and were not in the same
    circles… They weren’t able to fit in with my friends and I didn’t feel comfortable around their friends…
    unfortunetly it didn’t work…
    They were really fun and nice guys…



  201.  #201Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Tam #209
    thank you for those words of encouragement.
    oxoxox



  202.  #202Tam on July 2, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Azure Blu..thank you too, you are right. I shall try and be less judgmental.



  203.  #203Linda on July 2, 2014 at 7:53 am

    I feel like I gave up. I can only fix me though. I am just so tired of being told I did not meet his expectations.



  204.  #204Femininewoman on July 2, 2014 at 8:35 am

    What are his expectations?

    Maybe he needs to be told that expectations are the mother of disaster.



  205.  #205Kyla on July 2, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Last night, after spending most of the day passing each other as we worked, Ninja asked me to sit on the deck with him and smoke a cigar πŸ™‚ He smokes them with his friends every now and then or when he’s hunting or fishing. I laughed it off at first as they are super expensive and its not really my thing but he was serious that he wanted to share it with me and as we sat there he spent about 30 minutes talking about what’s special and important about them to him. I felt really honoured to be asked and very self conscious and silly too. I couldn’t stop giggling the entire time and he couldn’t stop laughing even while trying to explain the ‘seriousness’ of this moment and my initiation into this club. Then the fireworks started and I could hear the sizzle sound that follows the sparks and felt the vibration of it like electricity through me. I felt alive and memorized by the sparkling lights and sizzling sounds. I felt so happy and tingly. Everytime a big sparkly one lit the sky I gushed oooh I love that its so pretty and Ninja would laugh. I noticed that most of the time we were watching the fireworks Ninja was smiling and watching me instead and when I asked him why he just smiled and pulled me in close and asked if I wanted to watch a movie when we went inside and gave me a massage. Ahhh I felt so cared for and pampered.

    So we are both stressed and feeling the pressure of all this change and impending deadlines and yet I still feel completely me and I feel completely adored just for being me. The moving truck is arriving in 3 days and I still have all the packing to do,ahh. Later lovelies!



  206.  #206Tam on July 2, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Linda, you’re not supposed to live up to anyones expectations but your own. First thing a man has to do is accept me and love me and cherish me the way I am. If he is looking for someone else, I could never meet his ‘expectations’ anyway. I am not on this planet to meet anyone’s expectations.



  207.  #207Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Kyla…
    How romantic to read about Ninja sharing his cigar and his cigar smoking thoughts with you!!
    I Love to smoke a good cigar (well half) now and then.
    3 days… how electrifying exciting!!!



  208.  #208Kyla on July 2, 2014 at 8:51 am

    ((((((Linda))))))
    I’m sorry to hear that things with P didn’t work out. His expectations, whatever they are, are all about his idea of relationship, and not about you at all. You can’t ‘meet’ someone’s expectation of who you are, you can only be you. Be unapologetically true to you because you deserve to be seen and loved for exactly who you are.



  209.  #209Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Tam #217
    I am loving what you said here!!
    Yes, Yes!!



  210.  #210Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 9:00 am

    ((((Linda… soft, warm hugss for you!!)))
    Darling Siren…
    YOU are PERFECT just the way YOU are right NOW!!!
    when I am feeling Longing for something…
    I wrap my warm arms around ME… and HUG ME!
    And say sweet, loving words of comfort to ME…
    Linda…
    YOU are lovable,
    AND worthy
    of amazing, out of this world LOVE!!



  211.  #211Kyla on July 2, 2014 at 9:01 am

    LOL thanks Azure! Yes it was very romantic and I didnt recognize it at first!

    Here’s to being surprised πŸ˜€



  212.  #212iris on July 2, 2014 at 9:23 am

    #181 at Tereana πŸ˜€



  213.  #213Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Veronica #187
    Ahhh… the gentle art of MORE self Love…
    Me too…
    <:~}



  214.  #214Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Linda,

    I can understand that. One of the big things I truly love about D is that he gives me complete freedom to be myself. He has very few expectations of me, and I can just *be*. I have to have the space to be myself. There is nothing worse than feeling you are always “disappointing” the one you love unwittingly.



  215.  #215Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 11:35 am

    So, although B has been told he has to go by the end of July, he has not gone to the housing office to ask for assistance as he does not have the money for the bus and he doesn’t want to walk the 20-25 minutes because he ‘gets hot’

    Today, he wanted me to help him with his CV and I said I wanted him to help me clean the house. He then launched into a thing about how it’s always the way when I do something for him he has to do something for me. I felt blood-boiled rage. I did not want to help him with his CV – I am fed up with him not helping himself and we both live in the house it is not just my responsibility to clean it. We got into an argument and he pushed me I lost my footing and landed at the top of the stairs. This is the second time this has happened. This is dangerous.

    I packed up all his things from downstairs and told him that I don’t care where he goes or what he does but on the date I’ve given he leaves – whether he leaves easily or not is up to him

    Later he launches into attempting to say that none of this wouldve happened (eg him being told to leave) if I’d just taken responsibility for my actions the other day when we argued and apologised. This is insane – there is nothing to talk about. I don’t care about the past. I want you to leave.

    I went to sleep. I did not spend the day doing the things I had wanted to do. Once again my productivity reaches zero because all my resources are drained by this battle with him.

    Now, I have a note which is, to me, emotionally manipulative. Using pet names, telling me how much he misses me, saying that he’s sad and depressed and that he’s trying and can’t I see…

    I am as hard as a pebble, as tight as reel of cotton, if I soften he will get in, he will unravel me



  216.  #216Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Sophie… For YOU, I imagine, physical violence is NOT Negotiable!!!

    From my memory I’m thinking these “letters of sweetness” Have always worked in the past…
    He’s hoping this will work again…



  217.  #217Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Azure Blu – no it’s not negotiable

    He has never done letters of sweetness only conversations of sweetness- letters of sweetness are a new tactic



  218.  #218Kyla on July 2, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Sophie he is abusing you, manipulating you and using you. No matter what he says you are not overreacting, you owe him nothing, you have no reason to do anything for him and you can’t let him enter your head space for a second. Keep focused on getting him out. You need to remain strong and firm in your decision.

    I also feel concern about the danger and rage which you have mentioned before. The fear of escalation and what might happen. Trust your instincts and be safe. Pushing is violence and if you are feeling even the slightest bit unsafe please tell the people you trust and love immediately. Trust your feelings and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and get your life back. You deserve your freedom.



  219.  #219Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    ((((*Sophie)))
    lovely siren,,, many of us here have asked you
    WHY do you think you deserve to be treated that way…
    this is your FREE therapy from him…

    In my opinion… I would use the RR tool of
    Leaning back… go down deep in your gut and
    Truly see WHY this habitual day-to-day
    abuse is OK to YOU?
    and sit with the overwhelming feelings that might come up…
    Have you listened to the Toxic Man DVD?
    It is Excellent for such a situation…



  220.  #220Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    MarikaBerg – I like your day and how you’re feeling a happy vibe intentionally and treating yourself how you’d like to be treated πŸ™‚ Yes, i feel curious to hear others thoughts on the ‘vague thing’ cos I had no answer…

    Kyla – your plans are so exciting right now! I love your description of your moment on the back porch – magical..

    Indigo – I feel pleased that you are able to share about D here – it is your journey after all – and what a wonderfully rich one it’s been and continues to be xx



  221.  #221Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Kyle – that is the exact mantra I have been saying to myself all day – I feel so – I don’t even know the words – distraught – seriously, you are not the first person to say these words to me and seriously you could be talking about my ex ex or my ex before that or…the names just change…seemingly I don’t!!!!! Then I feel quite pathetic which is a sad thing to feel about oneself πŸ™ I will try to love on my feelings of patheticness…

    Yes Azure Blu – I don’t know why – I don’t see it so clearly I suppose – I flip into worrying about HIS feelings more than I worry about mine πŸ™ That is another pattern – the ‘protection’ of the broken man – I did that one with my father too – I was asked when I was about 13 what I was most worried about – I was not happy or well at 13 I’d already started to smoke and drink – I was most worried about my Dad because he was depressed – this person told me years later that that is what I’d said – I felt stunned that I’d said that – he really wasn’t very nice to me yet I wanted him to be happy and feel safe (is it all one big projection????!!! – seemingly it’s me that I should want to be happy and feel safe grrrrr)

    But yes huge amounts of free therapy – I must break these patterns of behaviour – Yes I’ve watched Toxic Man (over and over ha ha bought it for the last ex). I need to watch it again. I have it.



  222.  #222Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    sorry Kyla – typo – I do know your name! xx



  223.  #223Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Sophie,
    Ohhh… such a profound and vulnerable understanding of how you are replaying your past
    Toxic Man… I have it too and
    I filled out the worksheets the first time (when I was fairly new to RR)
    Then as my Toxic Relationship got MORE toxic
    AND my self love was growing
    I did it again…
    Boy, I was much more truthful and realistic as I filled out how toxic he was…
    I don’t know about you…
    but finding MY Stranger was SOOO helpful for MY healing…
    I am sending you love and strength darling Siren…



  224.  #224Kyla on July 2, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Sophie I’m a girl who’s been there many times. There are people who take advantage and they target the kindest hearts, there is nothing pathetic about you, that is how he’s made you feel. He’s skilled at playing with your mind and draining your strength, stealing your power to suit his agenda. Put the frustration and outrage inside you to focused use, don’t stuff it down but let it gather all your strength back inside you, protect you from the mind game and boost your determination to have complete victory. Be brave and safe.



  225.  #225Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    i’ll try and find the workbooks and do them again – they should be with the dvds shouldn’t they?…I couldn’t get far with my stranger:( I don’t know why – she was like a big slimy toad thing…but I couldn’t find a shift… Dominique had a visualisation that really worked for me about being your inner goddess in your own kingdom – it was lovely and powerful – it took me out of the s*&t of my past and into who I know I am and can be – it helps me to put my focus there.

    Thank you for being here for me. I feel grateful. I don’t want to be self-pitying or self-obsessed or any of those things. I really do want to find a powerful way forward xxx



  226.  #226Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Thank you Kyla – Your words are so spot on xxx



  227.  #227Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Sophie…
    Mmmm… I do understand about NOT dwelling on the negative…

    BUT I have tried THAT approach for YEARS and was still being a door mat and overfunctioning and NOT LOVING ME!!
    I needed to get to the slimy, uchkyness of MY patterns…
    TO STOP the PAIN and AGONY of NOT being able to get out of a RELATIONSHIP that was killing ME!!

    WOW… your stranger sounds as Tarrifing as MINE…

    MY stranger… her name is LYdia…
    Will go from MONSTER, huge…
    with an enormous Mouth that spews RAGE… deep down horrific RAGE!!!! who lives in an ultra modern mansion…
    to on the floor, pathetic slimy goo…
    As Rori’s tools suggest… I go up to the door and knock and offer my hand… She is my friend now (it took awhile) and she gives me her power together we are making my life AMAZING!!

    Yes, the pdf of the workbook is on the DVD… I print it out and start from the beginning…



  228.  #228Mandy on July 2, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Tereana, and ladies,

    I’m so sorry about the lateness of my post (I JUST moved apartments and have been without internet!).

    LOL.

    Yes, Tereana, I can see your reasoning with the doofness. Totally. Because honestly…and I mean this with ALL sincerity…I’d want me, if somehow I were split into two people, and I saw myself. Deeply philosophical, I know, weird concept, but hang with me…and thank you for that laugh, lol…laughs ALWAYS work with me…

    I do know my worth. I’m almost an impossibly attractive woman since I lost all my weight and toned up, gotten college educated, became aware of my sireness, and seen that men and women desire me. It’s ridiculously true, and my dad even sees it and tries to get me to open up to more professional men. It’s kind of embarrassing, but I see his point of view, I really do.

    As for J, he is attracted to ME, but he isn’t attracted to HIMSELF. He really has been disliking himself and now that I have moved apartments to a place where I feel incredibly happy and can think clearly without a whole bunch of drama around me, I think I can see it better for what it is. He’s got a smoking hot girlfriend and it is sad, because the experience is being wasted because he isn’t liking himself. He feels so unsexy it’s ridiculous. I have felt that way. But I see some sparks. When I make sexual jokes, he does laugh and that is a big part of his sexual personality and a good sign. I know that sounds weird but it’s a key to me understanding what’s going on.

    Now, as for the information I’m gathering about an experience being wasted, something about that has come up. Just at the most right time the universe could possibly come up with it…nervously so.

    When I began CDing, I began seeing someone casually, Yo.

    Yo is a person like me, an artist and graphic designer, from Tel Aviv, a highly sexual man who says he isn’t into monogamy, but I believe he isn’t into it when it isn’t convenient for him, lol. This man to me is fun, but I don’t think he has enough deep respect for a woman to have a relationship with him (He is from a completely different culture with completely different values.) Still, he is a friend and we are still very hot for each other, his accent really gets me. I have even fantasized about it…Can you blame me? I haven’t had sex for half a year, and this man, Yo, is saying he’s moving back into town and wants to see me again (meaning have casual sex.)

    I have cheated on a man I’ve loved before, it’s completely not worth it, and I’d really be an idiot to give up what I have with J, his loyalty, his sweetness, his support, the fun times we have every day, his selling his personal items just to go buy me a bottle of wine when I’ve had a stressful day…really? Would you want me to give that up just for five minutes of sex, sirens??? πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™ Can you see how much weight J holds for me as opposed to Y? Y is a fun fling and a casual friend, and he doesn’t care too much for my personal well-being so much as he cares for his own (having great sex with a hot woman.)

    I don’t want to lose J ever. It’s like the perfect relationship, without sex, and then when he’s in work, he’s like a tiger. He wants me every morning before work. It’s just nuts, like night and day. I’m actually getting a huge kick out of thinking about it at the moment…

    But Tereana you are absolutely right, who cares if he’s hot, that’s not what matters here. What matters is I have an ebbing and flowing entire OCEAN of passion waiting to be released in a sireny glory….and I can’t wait to do it, and I’m just waiting for that ship to come in, and I think, what the hell, what siren waits for a ship, why am I not playing in the meadow? I am a bit obsessed with my own passion, and when I can’t express it, and let it all out, release the floodgates, I stomp my feet and yell and whine, because I really feel like it is lighting in a bottle and he’s missing my huge awesome show that is epic and he has front row tickets and backstage passes to, and he’s saying he can’t go because he hates himself.

    Make any sense? Thanks for listening, I really feel clear now that I’ve moved places up from that grungy disgusting area of town to the nice area right next tyo my mom and dad and cat. πŸ™‚

    By the way I feel INCREDIBLY happy about this all while the other emotions are just flowing through me…the nervousness, the arousal, the sadness, the frustration and yes the anger too, I feel it all right now.

    I turn 33 tomorrow girls….Thanks for being with me this year…I’ve learned and am still learning so much and you have no idea what you provide for me as far as clear thinking, expression, understanding and nurturing and I can’t believe I am saying this but I genuinely feel love for this group and these women in this group. Thank you, you’ve given me something so special that I haven’t been able to find elsewhere…

    Okay, off to the doc to find out what’s up with my stupid hip! Cheers sirens, and I am open to whatever you might need to say!

    Hello, Mandy?? Playing in the meadow? Hmmmm?

    So…I want to flirt with Y so badly but I don’t want to make him think I’m going to have sex with him because I’m not going to cheat on J. But Rori would totally tell me I need to at least open up some, for crying out loud. It’s just this man has seduced me before I met J. I wasn’t going to sleep with him at first but he got to me, I liked him and it was fun to see him. However the situation now could come to a head and I may have to have a discussion with J, and say hey…I need sex. I want him to death and love him but he needs to give me a chance at life if he’s not going to make a conscious effort to at least try to get aroused or be open with me.

    I have been wondering if since I am a very masculine woman and he is a feminine man if I’ve been doing this a little wrong if I need to be aggressive. I’ve never really tried it with him I’m SO afraid but Rori says what you are afraid of could change your relationship life into a very fruitful happy playground.

    What do you think of all this???



  229.  #229Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Ahhh I want your experience Azure Blu!! She lived in a deep dark underground slimey goo cave and she was a big slimy goo toad – HUGE – she was like Jabba the Hutt from star wars – but here’s the thing I wasn’t afraid of her – maybe I already identify with her toooo much? I don’t know. I feel confused.Maybe I need to try again. Just found the DVDs -I was hoping there would be a little paper book I’ve got no DVD drive at the moment…I’ll go to my parents for the weekend when i can and watch them there



  230.  #230Mandy on July 2, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Ack, sorry, for some reason that last post was out of order… I meant to say bye bye, going to the hip doc, at the end…sorry πŸ™‚



  231.  #231Mandy on July 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Sophie LOL Jabba the Hut…ah jeez…that’s hilarious…but don’t focus too much on it…remember you’re the yummy pie πŸ™‚



  232.  #232Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Sophie…
    Mmmmm… dark cave, slimy goo toad…
    Yeah, it would be VERY interesting to hear how RR would suggest to move forward with YOUR stranger…
    OR if YOUR Stranger has changed at all?



  233.  #233Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    I’m thinking I’m remembering…
    Go to the cave and ask to come in…
    Take a close look all around… are there places to sit?
    does she offer you cookies, something to drink?
    is there any light?
    look into her eyes and offer her your friendship and tell her you are sorry you have ignored her for soooo long…
    ask if you can sit down…
    Mmmmm… thats all I rmember…
    yes, play the DVD and the workbook
    when you get a chance..



  234.  #234Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    @ ha ha Mandy and Azure Blu – yep I don’t know if she’s changed -possibly not cos I can see her clear as day – she is a stubborn one – just sits there, unmovable, impenetrable, sinisterly in control with a smile that’s like satisfaction…

    Happy Birthday Mandy!!! New apartment?! I thought you were just going to stay with your mum for a night?! ha Was there a big change?!

    Maybe you could experiment with the moving forward? We are encouraged to experiment aren’t we? πŸ™‚



  235.  #235Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    She didn’t care that I’d ignored her Azure Blu – she was so in control!



  236.  #236Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Yes – I need to do it again:)



  237.  #237Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Mmmm… that HUGE, unmovable. Powerful control is what YOU want her to SHARE with YOU to move your life forward… to make her part of YOUR inner strength

    I sit with Lydia as long as I can… talk to her…
    Then visit her again the next day…
    Yes, watch the DVD…
    I need to also…



  238.  #238Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Yes Azure Blu – You are so right – I do need it – I am very ungrounded and emotionally reactive – she wasn’t, she was very in control – yes I will try and do it…spend some time with her…thank you xxx



  239.  #239Indigo on July 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    (((Sophie)))

    Unfortunately Kyla is right… when people sense you care more about their feelings than about your own, many just can’t help but take advantage and not treat you very well. Somehow you need to find the strength to make your feelings the most important thing, and then I believe the rest will be easy.

    xx



  240.  #240Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Ohhh… Sophie…that is such a great insight!!
    What is your strangers name?



  241.  #241Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    ((Indigo)) I hope I can find the strength too. I believe the rest will be easy. I think I will feel a huge weight lifted.

    I don’t know Azure Blu – I don’t know – I can’t hear it at all πŸ™ what is yours called?



  242.  #242Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Her name is Lydia… I went and visited her today… her house is all burned out and she is looking very shaby… not sue what is going on????



  243.  #243Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    ooooo I feel fascinated x did you give her some love? πŸ™‚



  244.  #244Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Ohhh…. good idea… I was worried and asking her what happened… I will sit with her and give her lots of LOVE!!!



  245.  #245Azure Blu on July 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    She gave me cookies and they were burned too!!! :-/



  246.  #246Sophie on July 2, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    πŸ™‚ I love the different layers of us πŸ™‚



  247.  #247Liquid Light on July 2, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    hehe! he favorited me! πŸ™‚



  248.  #248Liquid Light on July 2, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I went out on another first date tonight. Ughh, he was just what I feared – shifty and kinda sleazy…sheesh I just need to trust my gut with these guys and not waste my time and theirs. I just feel slimed afterwards and gross. I had another date for tomorrow lined up but canceled it, I know he’s not right for me….



  249.  #249Indigo on July 3, 2014 at 5:55 am

    MarikaBerg,

    You are doing so great πŸ™‚



  250.  #250Tereana on July 3, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    Mandy (240), what do I think? I think that all sounds amazing! As in, you really gave us all a window into YOU. I FEEL like, right now, in this moment, I don’t want to have any “answers.” I don’t want to know “what you should do.” I just really want to take a moment to affirm YOU in all of your amazingness.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!



  251.  #251Tereana on July 3, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Sophie – I feel concerned for you in your situation. But also I don’t. Because what I hear in your writing is a really STRONG woman who is actively taking steps to care for herself and to put the man out of her life and home who simply isn’t treating her in the way she needs to be treated. Go you!!

    Now, you may not even need this, but it was suggested to me a while back and I was very glad that I looked into it. And that’s CoDA – codependents anonymous. It’s like AA but for co-dependency. And even if you never go, I’ll just share one thing I think is relevant, which I took away from that. And that is the idea of “caretaking.” That’s where we get into the mode of taking care of the other person, whether physically or emotionally or even financially – or all three. And on one level it makes is feel like a “good person” for being so “selfless.” But the end result is, we feel like OUR needs aren’t being met (they aren’t). We feel depleted and resentful. And we might expect reciprocation or respect, or gratitude, even. But usually doesn’t happen. Does this sound like you? If so, it sounds like you are on your way toward NOT being that.

    But I just love your awareness. You are probably much stronger than you think. And you do know, on a deep level, that what you need and deserve is real love. Not this. Not danger. You are taking great steps.

    ((((Sophie))))



  252.  #252Indigo on July 3, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    MarikaBerg,

    You are way too wrapped up in analyzing this man and what it all means. You need to Circular Date!

    Everyone else is over on the newest thread if you want to join in.



  253.  #253Veronica on July 4, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Azure Blu – 224 – : ) Your self-loving sirenness – yay.



  254.  #254Kelly on July 9, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Hmmm…. so I’m 49, he’s 59 (and HOT!). He tells me I’m hot all the time… thank god.
    So how do I ensure that I “give him a boner” more often than not??? What can I do to be sure I’m turning him on (at this age) rather than off?

    <3



  255.  #255Maggie on July 11, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    I have a question about Circular Dating. I’m new, and only just began with the complete program. Although my relationship is good, I think anything I can learn will help create a happy future for him and for me. If this program will improve what we have, think how happy we’ll both be.

    I’ve known the man I’m seeing (long-distance) for just over 2 years. Once he told me he was getting divorced, I started “dating” him. But I think I did Circular Dating by accident, not knowing what it was.

    I have a clear idea of what I want. He said he’s glad I’m waiting, is sincere, that I’m not wasting my time, and he wants me to move to him as soon as his divorce is final. So what I want in a relationship is already on the table. He’s a wonderful person, I have no complaints.

    2 weeks ago, I explained my fears, feelings, what I want and need. He gave the assurance I needed. I feel like if I started dating others now, he’d be very offended and hurt because he’s giving me what I want and need, starting to plan for the future once it’s final. But the book basically says that women in my place should date others. ?



  256.  #256Maggie on July 11, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    @Kelly: Hi! My boyfriend is 57, I am 40. Guys in their 50s & 60s want and need intimacy just as anyone! If he’s into you, which I’m certain he is, you’ll turn him on by default. There are lots of little things you can do that insures he’ll be excited. I like sending pics & sexy notes, personally. The guy I’m seeing loves phone sex (we’re long-distance) but I know when we’re finally in the same state, we’ll be doing that just as often for the fun of it. Creativity is good. You should let yourself have fun with it. After all, that’s the benefit of being in a relationship. πŸ™‚



  257.  #257Rori Raye on July 15, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    Maggie – Circular Dating isn’t about Dating. Learn how to do it here in a way you can be comfortable with. Love, Rori



  258.  #258true to self on July 29, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    I have an intimate question about the sexual relationship I have just started with a very special man. Up to this point everything has been positive and our communication is great. I am a 6 foot tall woman who is a partial paraplegic. My vagina is large and flaccid. My special man has a small penis. He is loving in every way but I am afraid it is impossible to have intercourse. Could you help us? What about using sex toys? I don’t want to end our relationship but sex is important.



  259.  #259Rori Raye on July 29, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    True to self – Thank you so much for this question – and though I am not the expert (my guess is, there’s LOT of info about this out there online and through your community support systems….) – there are many ways to do this. There are sex toys, yes – dildos, vibrators, penis wraps that add tension, and different sex positions he can place you in. You might also want to check in with your doctor to find out if there are artificial, muscle-tightening or even surgical ways to enhance YOUR sense of feeling in this situation. There’s YOU handling yourself while he’s being creative – lots of things to consider – go research! Dominique at http://www.sexandheart.com might be very helpful, also – she’s great at everything sexual. Love, Rori



  260.  #260Maggie on July 29, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Hello. I saw the intimacy question and Rori’s impressive response. I felt compelled to mention that in Modern Siren, there is a video that touches on the subject of Tantra. Tantra is a study as well as an experience. I feel adding Tantra – the act of deep sexual & spiritual bonding, will add to your intimacy. Good for you, by the way, to focus on the importance of intimacy too.
    Recently, the man I’m seeing had a health scare (high psa) which might have resulted in surgery that would’ve taken sex out of the equation for most. We’re in a long distance relationship anyway, so we already have hurdles. After giving much thought..I realized that even if he’d lost the ability to perform all together, I would have been satisfied just being close to him and engaging in things other than “regular sex.” While sex is extremely important, it’s my feeling that I could live perfectly fulfilled in a relationship with that issue (if he wasn’t able to perform.) There are so many things you can do to please each other.
    It’s my feeling: It’s not what’s going on, it’s WHO is doing it. πŸ˜‰
    Congrats on your relationship. πŸ™‚



  261.  #261paula on August 16, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Rori, actually have ? You are always stating NOT to lean forward, what about greeting with a hug & kiss, does this still state leaning forward?
    thank you



  262.  #262Rori Raye on August 16, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    Paula – If he moves toward you – you are warm and open to him! Love, Rori