What Being In Your “Boy” Energy Looks Like And Why It Doesn’t Work

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Here’s a letter from Tory, and I know there are issues here that we can all identify with…

“Dear Rori,

I have been going out with a man for two years although we have had a few break-ups in between. We come back to each other because of the strong feelings we have. I guess the main problem between us is the trust and security of the relationship. I have never met his friends or his family (he has met my sister and few of my friends). And for this reason, I do not feel that I am socially included in his social world or he may not feel sure about me or the relationship. This consequently does not inspire the trust in me.

He always says that when the time is right, he will make an announcement/ introduce me to his beloved ones.

Last time, I actually proposed him (to marriage) because I thought I had known him well and loved him so much. He said that he could not give me that commitment right now because he was not sure how his job would be in the next few months. And as you mentioned in your newsletters, every time I look back, he does not give me the attention that I want or not as much attention and care like at the beginning.

I feel stuck Rori. I really hope you can give me some wisdom on this. I feel anxious and worried to the point that I am quite obsessed about him. Then I feel scared about what if I have been going out with a married man (because I don’t know anything else about him except what he has told me), and what if he is dating others at the same time. I had never felt this way before for a man. I feel like losing my own power and energy to him.
I understand his situation but if he does not know how long it will take, and it seems like there is no hope or something to believe that things will turn out better, I may have to let him go again. You mentioned about circular dating. I feel guilty to do this while in a relationship with him.

How do I tell him that I date or go out with someone else at the same time with him? I am the kind of person who is just so honest that even if I try to lie, people will be able to tell straightaway. If only I didn’t love and attach to him so much that I would be able to let him go for good. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards, Tory”

My Answer:

Okay….Tory – to recap: You’ve been out with a guy for a couple of years. You keep coming back to each other. You proposed to him. He said he couldn’t give you a commitment because he wasn’t sure how his job was going to be and he doesn’t give you the attention that you want, and every time you kind of step away from him, he comes a little closer.

I want to use your story to talk about being the “boy. ”

My classic client is a woman who wants to run things. Who has an instinctive control freak mechanism – like I do (which I’ve had to work with my whole life to undo) – especially the kind of control freak mechanism where you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with a guy all the time.

Where you’re always trying to think about what would make something happen in a relationship or what he’s thinking or what he’s feeling or what he means when he says something to you or what he means when he does something to you.

So many men are having so many problems these days with jobs, their family, and so – we try to make excuses for it. We try to give him “latitude.”

Well, being the “boy” is the opposite of being the “girl.”

Being the girl is – you Circular Date. You tell him that you love him. You smile at him. You’re very warm to him. You do not DO anything. Don’t offer to help him. Don’t help him in a situation. You don’t make excuses for him. You just smile. You’re warm.

He shows up. You’re warm. You’re there.

You date him when he shows up. You don’t ask him for anything. No commitment. Nothing. You don’t row that boat at all.

Remember, in my programs Step One is understanding how men and women work. That’s the “Energy Exchange” and the “Rowboat” and the back and forth and the “Bubble” that you’ll find in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, and that I build on in all the other programs.

Well, if you have been the boy in your relationship for so many years and been pushing and shoving the guys out of the relationship – stopping doing that is Step Two.

Stopping “Overfunctioning” – essentially being the boy when you’re with a man –  is going to bring up a tremendous amount of anxiety and feelings.

And opening up, being vulnerable and INVITING him to come close to you by sharing your feelings and who you really are is Step Three – and will bring up even more buried, subconscious “stuff” for you to work through.

That’s why Step Four in my programs are always about dealing with the emotions that come up when you stop doing stuff and when you start letting yourself be vulnerable.

Steps 5 and 6 and 7 are about Loving Yourself, Circular Dating – and then Putting It All Together.

Standing firm about what you want, sharing with a man that you love him and want him, and that you will not tolerate a lack of affection and attention and loyalty – no matter how “loud” you feel when you share those things – that’s GIRL stuff.  You are NOT being a ‘boy” when you’re standing up for yourself and sharing what you want and don’t want.

You’re acting like a “boy” when you try to GET those things!

There are things you like about him and what he does, and things you do not like – and yet, if you love him as a whole person – your only job is to share what you can NOT accept behavior wise, and at the same time open up to him 100% and appreciate what he DOES do that pleases you.

It’s your job to be the tour guide of YOU – not of the “relationship.”

Love, Rori

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830 Comments

  1.  #1Simply Shannon on February 7, 2011 at 7:44 am

    The tour guide of ME. I love it!



  2.  #2Tmizz on February 7, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Wow, I’ve never gotten on a post so early. I’m almost scared to write something!

    But of course, this story is terribly relevant, and I think that I would like to share something.

    Until fairly recently, I was seeing a CD, that was perhaps, maybe possibly going to be more than a CD. But I’m aware that I did quite a lot of “leaning forward” and I think, in the end, this is what was the worst thing for the relationship. For one thing, I made first contact on the dating site. But I did it in such a way that he appreciated it and he responded. I think it only took him a day or so before he got back to me. And what I said to him initially was just that I liked some of the things he had to say on his profile, he looked interesting, and if he was interested, he could let me know. Well, he was interested.

    I don’t think I ever knew quite How interested.

    and this, too, was part of my problem. I wanted to KNOW how interested he was. I wanted him to “tell me” what he was thinking, feeling, what was going on in his head. I was making all the “girl mistakes.” Well, not at first, but it eventually got to be that way.

    After one missed first meeting – he was sick, apparently – we met in person. And, no spark. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him again.

    I probably wouldn’t have contacted him after that, except that I left my camera at my friend’s house, near where he lived. Well, he JUMPED at the chance to get it for me and return it to me. Whereupon, we had a second date, and that’s when I really started to like him. We spent a lot of time in groups, at holiday parties and such, and it felt really good. His friends told me how awesome he was, and I was starting to feel good about him.

    And then he went away. He had all these travel plans set up for the holidays and he was going to be gone for about three weekends straight. He called several times on Christmas weekend, though, including on Christmas eve, and Christmas day. I thought it was nice, and I just let him keep calling. But I was nervous about him being away so much. I wasn’t traveling at all, and I was starting to miss him. I told him if I didn’t get to see him for so long, then I would start to get bored and want to date someone who was actually “around.” So we made a date for a time when he would be home in between trips. That’s when I think I made my Big Mistake.

    For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to give him a scarf that I had knitted. I didn’t knit it “for him,” but I had it around, and I had wanted to give it to someone that I liked who could appreciate it. So, since he was coming over, and it was the holidays and all, I wrapped it up, and had no expectation at all of him giving me something. I just thought it would be fun to give away. Well, he loved it. He put it on and it looked great. He even sent me a text later saying how great it was. BUT…that’s when he disappeared.

    He went away for New Year’s weekend with some friends, and he went off the grid the whole time. He never texted me or called me ONCE. Not even to say Happy New Year! When he got back on Sunday, I kept waiting for him to call me, and he didn’t. But I happened to log onto our dating site and see that he was “online.” (He had told me at one point earlier that he was discontinuing his membership.) I then texted him something like, “Are you home yet?” He then called me, and we talked, but I was anxious the whole time about him being on the site.

    Well, then he told me that he had cancelled his third weekend trip, and we made plans to see each other. But then he wrote to ask if it was okay if he did another thing that he wanted to do. That really bothered me. I called to say “okay,” but as soon as I said that I realized it felt wrong. And I said, well, no, actually, it wasn’t okay. I had really been looking forward to seeing him that night, and it had been a long time since he was really around. He didn’t have the plans ahead of time, so why was he now blowing me off? (I’m not sure if I used that terminology, but that’s what it felt like.) He finally said that it sounded like it was important to me, and that he would not do his other plans. But the next night, he called to say that he didn’t think it was “going to work out.” I said that wasn’t what I wanted. He came over, we talked about it, and then apparently we were together. But it never felt the same to me. I felt that he had left me, and that I couldn’t really trust him. That’s when the anxiety really set in. And I figured it was over.

    I didn’t see him or hear from him for two weeks. I sent him a couple of messages, trying to use “feeling messages” and telling him that if he needed to take his time, then he could do that, but that I would be seeing other people in the mean time, which I did.

    Then he called me up out of the blue – well, sort of. I had sent him a short email, after which he called me right away. He wanted to see me, and we hung out that weekend. But the next week he changed his mind again. I can’t believe what I’m reading as I write this out. I think I’m just angry because I feel like I should have dropped him long ago. And yet, we had so many positive things about each of us, and our values, etc., that it just seemed to make sense.

    And even though he wasn’t very “expressive,” I think he just maybe didn’t really have a way of expressing what was inside. And also, I felt very good with him. Maybe not all the time. But after the last weekend that we spent together, I felt happy. I honestly felt truly happy, for the first time in a very long time, and it almost scared me, because I didn’t quite know what to do with it! LOL. So, long story short, this may not have been an ideal relationship in a lot of ways, but this was still a person that I did not want to lose.

    When I talked to my dad about it, he basically sided with me, and said it sounded like issues that he had. And he also said, almost prophetically, “He’ll be back.” It sounded so certain, I almost felt like I should believe him.

    And maybe I can believe him. I feel like I keep hearing so many of you ladies talking about your exes coming back after many many years. And if he changes his mind so easily, what’s to say that he can’t change his mind the other way again? Of course, I want him to make it up eventually ;).

    But I’ve been really, really good about no contact. We were almost going to see each other one last time and it didn’t work out. But I decided that on my own, and when he texted and wrote to me, I didn’t write back. Now I’m considering leaving something at his house that he left at mine. It’s a little something. I don’t even have to give it back. But I don’t really want it here. Is that too much “leaning forward”? I don’t want to see him. I just want to leave it at his door and go on my merry way. But I don’t want to appear that I “want something.” Actually, I’m concerned that I may still “want something.” I don’t want to want anything from him. I want him to have a sense that him being himself and being near me is all I really want from him. Maybe I don’t even want that. I just don’t really know how to get all that across.

    I just know that I’m way too active. I want to stop “overfunctioning.” I’m focusing on my own life and other guys. I’m working on just being in my feelings and the not-knowing that I have right now, uncomfortable as it is. I just hope it helps.

    Thanks for letting me share. And if you guys have thoughts about it, that might help as well.

    Cheers!
    TMizz



  3.  #3Amy on February 7, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Hi ladies!

    I posted this on Tinque’s blog and I wanted to post it here too to get all your Sirens opinions on my situation:

    This comment doesn’t really have anything to do with the post above (which was incredible insightful btw), but since you are amazing insight and great advice I was wondering if you would mind providing some of your insight to me. I have posted on here before, but a quick background:

    I ended a 5 year relationship back in May, we took a few months off to figure out what we wanted out of our relationship, and before we stopped talking I expressed I really only wanted to talk again if we were 100% into working things out (if not then we need to go our separate ways). Anyways, during those months, I leaned back…didn’t contact him at all (even though it was killing me) and in August he contacted me saying that he missed me. We started talking again and things have been improving little by little…we are learning to communicate better, getting a better understanding of each other, and building a foundation. However, I am starting to have a lot of mixed emotions because it will be almost a year since we have been broken up and I feel afraid that we may be on this road of teetering forever. A few weeks ago, I told him how I loved him and wanted to be with him, but if he wasn’t ready to step up that I needed to date other people (as well as him) because I want to be a wife not just a gf and I am looking for someone who wants to step up into that roll (I said it a lot better then I am writing here lol). Well after that he REALLY stepped up… he wanted to see me more, he texted me through out the day to let me know he was thinking of me or that he missed me, we spent the whole weekend together, etc. That lasted about 2 weeks, last week I felt like we took a step back… he still called me everyday, but we haven’t seen each other and I feel a different vibe almost like he got too close know he is retracting. I have expressed to him using feeling messages how scared I am that we are still going down this same road of “we will see where this leads”, but with really no direction in sight. He acts like I am his gf again except we don’t ever include each other in hanging out with friends or family. He tells me about his life, talks about our future, uses “we” etc, but he still isn’t ready to make that leap and I don’t know where to go. I am trying to date other people and I am hanging out with friends, putting a lot of energy into things that make me happy, but I still think about him all the time and I can’t get him out of my head (or heart). My question is what do I do from here?? Do I lean back and just wait? Do I cut it off? Does this make any sense at all?

    (Side note, I am looking to be this man’s wife in the furture, not his gf again)



  4.  #4FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

    RE 2 Tmizz What I felt reading your comments was that somehow your actions caused him to unconsciously put you in the “friend” zone. Sorry if this comes across as harsh and hopefully someone else will chime in but that was what I sensed, I might be wrong. He seems you initiated a lot of times. Regarding the thing you want to return, it seems to me that if you drop it off he might sense it as your leaning forward and wanting something from him. It might be best to just put it in the mail, if possible.



  5.  #5FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 9:48 am

    RE 2 Tmizz the comments really triggered some bad feelings deep inside my gut I guess because I see myself so clearly in it. I am trying hard to lean totally back to zero with someone I get heart palpitations just thinking about him and butterflies in my stomach.



  6.  #6FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

    RE 3 Amy says “he still called me everyday, but we haven’t seen each other and I feel a different vibe almost like he got too close know he is retracting”

    As Rori puts it maybe you want to check if this is the pattern he uses in life.

    “except we don’t ever include each other in hanging out with friends or family” This might be good because you don’t want just friends.

    “again except we don’t ever include each other in hanging out with friends or family. He tells me about his life, talks about our future, uses “we” etc,” seems like a good sign about what’s going on in his mind. Could this be a babystep into incorporating you into his life and family?

    IMHO It might be best to lean back and respond to the moments that he presents his offers and keep repeating what you want in your life until he is able to really feel you. He has to feel it too and be ready for it. I am struggling with that myself but I believe in giving him the space to step into because looking into the future I feel I will feel more cherished if he comes to me rather than me going to him. I have heard from guys how they tell off their ex when things break down and I do not want any man telling me that he did not want me but settled because I pushed to be with him. I am having all kinds of mixed emotions about the one I really want right now but I prefer to be in my power even if I don’t get that particular relationship with him. I am feeling really scared and vulnerable now. Thanks for sharing and helping me to process my feelings.



  7.  #7Daria on February 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Oh gosh Tmizz 🙁 you were in your masculine energy the whole time.

    No contact is for a man we don’t want in our lives. Otherwise, yes Respond warmly to him. No initiating. No dropping off his thing.



  8.  #8FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 9:59 am

    RE 3 Amy I am feeling really teary eyed and nervous after reading and responding to your comments. I am feeliing like running and stuffing something down my mouth because that is my normal response. I am also conscious of holding my breath and my body shaking.



  9.  #9Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

    The times you were in your feminine was when you allowed him to bring you the camera.



  10.  #10Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

    I found my Siren buddies!

    Ok, here’s a question: What do you think of this saying?

    Loose lips sink ships.

    Should we keep stuff to ourselves? What’s appropriate to share and what isn’t? What is the right audience and what isn’t?



  11.  #11Lori on February 7, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Brenda,

    I feel like that saying refers to idle gossip moreso than sharing information.



  12.  #12Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Standing firm about what you want, sharing with a man that you love him and want him, and that you will not tolerate a lack of affection and attention and loyalty – no matter how “loud” you feel when you share those things – that’s GIRL stuff. You are NOT being a ‘boy” when you’re standing up for yourself and sharing what you want and don’t want.

    You’re acting like a “boy” when you try to GET those things!

    **************************************************

    I don’t get it!
    What is the difference between standing up for yourself and trying to ‘get’ those things???



  13.  #13Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Lori,

    But how does it apply to my deep truth? My secrets, things that happened to me? I am grappling with it ever since Daria said she is making it her goal to be transparent to all people at all times. There are times when that bites me in the a$$.



  14.  #14Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:23 am

    For example, the time that I shared a mutual attraction with a community leader. I am not sure, but I am pretty sure that got back to the leader of the community center I used to go to. Then I always felt a wall, like he thot I was some kind of harlot. When all I did was share a harmless, mutual attraction with a married man that never went anywhere.

    We never met in private. We never kissed or anything. It was just a silent knowing he liked me. And I am trying to find the right line of what personal information and feelings to share and what not to.



  15.  #15FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 10:24 am

    RE 12 Josie a few posts ago Rori wrote about standing up to him. Telling him what we don’t want and not asking for anything from him. Not sure I have heard anything about standing up for yourself, but now that I read these words it feels like defending oneself. One thing I have understood here is that there is no need to defend yourself in terms of how we normally do. It is about pulling down our defenses.



  16.  #16Boomer on February 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Brenda, and all:

    Not to bore you all to death, seeing as I posted this on the other thread, but here’s that profile again. I actually have more/different ones that I use on different sites, which I can share if anyone is interested. So, now…I showed you mine….will some of you show me yours!!!???

    Also, someone on the last thread expressed interest in my age. I am ancient. Ah, no, not really…43. Most people guess me at 32-35, which is nice. I feel about 28 🙂

    Anyway, here’s that profile:

    Brenda:

    OK, so here’s one profile. I have tried to incorporate some leaning back and feelings messages while still maintaining my personality. I think my true personality IS very masculine energy in some ways, and I really do struggle with how to be myself and still harness and appropriately display my feminine energy. I feel very vulnerable posting this stuff here (which is kinda funny considering strange men see it online every day), but if it helps someone, then here goes:

    “Things that make me feel happy: punk music, red wine, northern Italian food, Zagnut candy bars, good grammar, ‘The Big Bang Theory,’ pre-Born in the USA Bruce, books, writing, Tarantino movies, any band with Dave Grohl, Monty Python, smart people, science fiction, cartoons, Queen, comic books, quotes from ‘The Princess Bride,’ The Who, my kids’ creativity, a good hair day.

    Sometimes I crank up Cheap Trick or The Ramones and thrash dance around my house. Occasionally, the kids join in. They’ve learned not to fight it.

    I have been told I look like Megan Fox. If she ate a sammich once in awhile.

    My boss caught me singing and air guitaring ‘Banditos’ really loud at the office one night when I thought I was alone–right at the ‘Your alias says your Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets’ part. He looks at me weird in meetings still. Not sure if it’s admiration or fear. Or he could just be a Kirk guy?

    I feel geeky-happy learning about wine and food and art. I feel really excited about my semi-formed plan to pursue these things in the next stage of my life, which may involve stuffing everything I own in a backpack or living in a yurt. Or a Tuscan-style villa. Or a shack on the beach. Point is, where will not matter as long as I am doing things that make me feel happy and fulfilled and just like myself.

    I’m a normal, kind, happy, and centered woman with a good life who’s looking for ‘a game show love connection we can’t deny.’ Yep, I’m fun, outgoing, and ‘a cool girl,’ and I feel at my best with an energetic, happy, and even quirky man…but the keys to my heart are chivalry and kindness. I’m a mix of focused/shiny-object-chasing, responsible/irreverent, grounded/high energy, good girl/vixen, professional/unconventional, and nurturing/challenging…but it works for me. What do you think?”



  17.  #17Lori on February 7, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Brenda,

    That’s a tough one, but I always try to go by “what would I feel comfortable with my children/mother/father etc hearing if it got back to them?” Seems to work for me as far as being able to be open but still keep some things private….Not sure if that helps or not…



  18.  #18Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:29 am

    @ FeminineWoman

    Thanks for replying but I still feel confused.

    I am struggling with getting through to my man about the amount of attention I want.
    How do I “share those things” without “trying to get” those things???



  19.  #19JenniferW on February 7, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Josie,

    Rori means that girls don’t have to physically DO anything but just SHARE our feelings.

    Here’s a scenario…

    The girl way: JohnBoy, i feel really grossed out when i see you picking your toenails….
    The boy way: JohnBoy (she stands up and grabs his hand away from his toes) STOP PICKING YOUR TOENAILS, THATS GROSS!

    lol



  20.  #20Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:31 am

    @ Boomer 16
    Ace profile honey !



  21.  #21Lori on February 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

    as far as the post goes, boy energy has always been my problem. I’ve managed and controlled every relationship I’ve ever had. I even have a more masculine analytical mindset that’s very different from most women I know. I have a job that requires me to be in masculine energy. I’ve had my feminine energy so stuffed down that one of my exes called me “a guy with boobs” once and that was my wakeup call. I’ve spent the last 2 years allowing my feminine energy to resurface and although the emotions are often tough and uncomfortable to navigate, I feel more relaxed and happy as a whole now….



  22.  #22Amy on February 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

    @Femininewoman: Thanks for commenting on my post, it made me feel so happy to read that it helped you with your own feelings process. To answer your questions, I don’t feel it is a pattern he uses in life, but I do feel like it may be a pattern I use without even knowing it until I just sat down to answer this. Hmm… interesting….Sometimes I feel confused because I am not sure if my fear is real or a protection of myself and then I get even more afraid and nervous. Does this make sense? Wow…

    Uh, that feels good to read that you feel it may be a good thing when I said, “except we don’t ever include each other in hanging out with friends or family” since I don’t want to be friends with him. I never thought of it that way. I only felt like something was missing… another good insight fw

    And lastly, when I said, “again except we don’t ever include each other in hanging out with friends or family. He tells me about his life, talks about our future, uses “we” etc,” and you said, “seems like a good sign about what’s going on in his mind. Could this be a babystep into incorporating you into his life and family?” I am hoping so. He always talk about our life like we are going to be together in the future we are just going through a process. He always says too that this is what will make us closer and help us to understand each other better.

    Thank you for the advice… I feel really heard by you and I am smiling because of it. Also, I know all about the mixed emotion, but being in power really is how you will get what is right for you in the end. P.S. I feel scared and vulnerable all the time, but I would rather feel this than nothing at all because I believe they are how I know this is something worth fighting for. Does that make sense? Oh i don’t know…

    Anyways, thank you! 🙂



  23.  #23Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @ JenniferW 19
    Wow, such a simple shift in the way we communicate makes such a difference dosen’t it?



  24.  #24Lori on February 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

    I feel really grossed out at the visual of John Boy picking his toenails lol



  25.  #25Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

    When I read Brendas question I feel turned off and disconnected. It reminds me of anxious ‘buzzing’ chatter instead of silence, the kind of chatter Rori advises u’s not to do on dates, though we may go there by default when we feel uncomfortable.

    I wonder why I feel this way? I also feel angry. And Very uncomfortable.

    Yes that’s How I feel Very uncomfortable, like squirming icky.

    Is this because I tried before to get attention – masculine – by saying something random and off topic in a smily way and then felt rejected?

    I know this happened to me as a kid. I judge myself as very annoying. My American based peers – aha! More judgement!!! Clearly not All of them!!! Some kids . Just some told me I was very annoying. Hmmm that felt bad.

    I feel scared now thinking I’m annoying deep down and it will come out. I felt very triggered once when guywho called me annoying.

    I don’t want to be called annoying it feels bad.

    I feel rejected, unloved, humiliated, unseen.

    I feel unworthy.

    I love me.

    My expression is what it is… And when I get something from the outside that doesn’t feel good… It’s not about me.

    Perhaps they got rejected too, trying to be funny and smily. Hmmm.

    I would like to heal this… Thank u Angels!

    I also get the impression that the question is an energy drain, that is a mental involvement without touching on feelings.

    It feels scary … Cuz I get a deep level sense that it’s inauthentic, covering up emotions rather than expressing them.

    There’s so much that triggers me here…

    Including loose lips. Ick! I feel bad w that image i feel turned off… Hmm… Or maybe turned on then turned off.

    I feel scared sharing this!

    I don’t want to come off judgemental and I don’t know how!!!

    I feel uncomfortable and squirmy… Why!???

    I feel turned off…

    I feel confused as to why. Maybe i don’t need to know why.

    What would I say if I was on the phone with a man.

    I’d say… Hmmm. That feels a lil weird. I feel icky thinking about loose lips. I don’t really want to talk about that.

    But now I do!

    Its important to me that a person is honest and trustworthy, but I enjoy being open to the world and sharing how I feel and about my life.

    I’m also great at not talking about someting

    ….

    I feel all tightened up around my throat. Hmm.

    I find myself adrenaline pumped telling stories… Sometimes it can feel good and sometimes it can feel overwhelming.



  26.  #26femenergylove on February 7, 2011 at 10:34 am

    leaning back leaning back leaning back….and feeling delicious while doing it is my goal.
    he is trying to get over issues with his ex….i’m not waiting around.saw him this weekend,and for the first time he spoke out loud about it to all of us (me and his friends) we were about to go to a bar where she frequents….and he was a bit hesitant and said it out loud to everyone….we all said we’re going.i said i was going.not slinking around town.nope.no sir i’m not.his best friend gav eme a thumbs up and said he respected me for not being afraid of maybe dealing with some yuckiness.i said the yuckiness does not involve me.i’m a godess and delicious 🙂
    well,had a good time on the dancefloor wtih some friends etc.was not paying him attention at all,and he came looking for me..like i knew he would.she was not there that night.i did wonder what would have happened if she was…but then i brushed that thought aside,only i control how i feel and it has nothing to do with me.yes i like him,and yes he likes me.and yes he was with her.they are connected.but i will not cat fight.and i will not let him make me feel like shit either….because i’m a goddess and i’m delicious.
    its so powerful knowing that only i control how i feel and react.ME.I HAVE THE POWER.



  27.  #27Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Lori,

    RE: #17 – That’s perfect! Thank you! Transparency has its place, and it’s very freeing. I am learning swallowing my personal information sometimes has its place, too.



  28.  #28Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Brenda – sorry for possibly ‘slamming’ you in my exploring of triggers.

    For me, it feels good to speak about my past experiences From a Loving Myself, Powerful place.

    If I am fully loving and respectful of myself sharing – not putting myself down, blaming, or victimizing – it feels great to share that way.

    If I’m not able to tell it from a place of love for myself and respect and – important – Express not Impress/ Shock, then it feels better to work on shifting my perspective.

    Sometimes the perspective shift happens While sharing.

    Sometimes I share and get caught in the Impressings… And after I feel insecure… Babysteps.



  29.  #29Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Daria,

    RE: #25 – My question is not random, and it is not covering up feelings, and it is not smiley. It is something very deep I am processing right now. It has everything to do with my continuing growth and healing.

    I gave deep thought to your recent comment that you are practicing being open to all people at all times, like when you are out in public. I considered it. I tried it!

    And I come back wounded and embarrassed and feeling a need to regroup. Maybe I should have prefaced my question with all that.

    My heart doesn’t want and can’t handle more pain. I am trying to decide the balance between sharing my inner self and protecting my heart.

    I am getting to know people at my church. I find that I am already far more transparent than most of them. And they have an interactive website and I am trying to decide how much to share there. People there are not in the habit of posting freely like we are there.

    I am trying to decide if I should stick out like a sore thumb or not by posting, to be the ice breaker person.

    I know you were airing your reactions and feelings to my post….nevertheless, I feel bad. I don’t like to be judged.

    I wish I wasn’t repeatedly accused of seeking attention. If I want attention, I will go spend hours with my Mom or my other local friends any time I want. I have all the attention I want locally. In the meantime, I have as much right to share freely on here as you do. This feels bad. I didn’t do anything wrong.



  30.  #30Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Lori Brenda – that would really nit work for me. If I considered what my parents or others would think about my words actions as determining factors, it would severly limit my self growth and self expression.

    I practice stepping Out of it and assuring myself that I don’t need to listen to their voices in my head when it doesn’t feel good.



  31.  #31JenniferW on February 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Something that might help you beautiful Sirens to learn about how men think is to read John Gray’s Mars and Venus on a Date (I think thats what its called). Rori calls it “leaning back”….we lean back when our man goes into “rubber band” mode. Men are very autonomous….they aren’t full of LOVE like we are. When they come to us to fill up their love tank and their tank is full, they need to be on their own (hang out with the boys, throw themselves into their work) to get their manlihood back. Although we think that they don’t love us anymore, it has nothing to do with that! They are not thinking that way, they are simple creatures. Their rubberband stretches only so far before they will bounce back. HOWEVER….when we have pushed them and have not stayed back in “leaning back” mode….their rubberband may snap and you won’t see them again.
    Hope this helps some of you! We need to remind ourselves that we don’t think the same way as men do.



  32.  #32FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 10:45 am

    RE 18 Through I wants or I don’t want is my understanding.

    “I want a relationship where I am cherished and valued”.

    “I want an everyday relationship”. “I feel loved when I get attention”.

    “I feel turned on when I get attention and I feel weird having to ask for it. I am a girl here and I want more”. Something along those lines is what I have learnt here. Focus on your feelings.



  33.  #33Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Brenda – sorry you felt bad. I don’t know if you’re seeking attention or not, I don’t know anything about you really as I’m not you.

    When I get triggered by something, it has to do with Me.

    These are my triggers and I feel bad now.

    I’d like to feel safe exploring and healing, when so
    A comment triggers uncomfortable feelings.

    I don’t want to be accused of judging others … Because I need this space to explore my judgements and they are Not about the posters… They are about my triggers.

    Sorry it triggers you to seemingly take it personally. It’s not personal. It’s how I felt. It means nothing about you.

    It only means thats how I felt reading these words.



  34.  #34Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

    @ FeminineWoman 32
    I really like this@

    “I feel turned on when I get attention and I feel weird having to ask for it. I am a girl here and I want more”. Thanks x

    I’ve used the “I’m just a girl” in conversations with my fella before and it really does seem to get through to him and it actually makes me feel more feminine and reminds me to be juicy and girly when I’m expressing myself with him



  35.  #35Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I feel scared and sad. I feel angry.

    I want to feel safe. It’s ok self, Daria, you are loved.

    Yes you feel unseen reading sentences, but you Are seen by me.

    You are being triggered.z that is all. You are very brave and the voices that seem to want to shame blame and silence you are just parts of you, reflected in from outside, abd they feel scared.

    It’s ok to relax, thigh.

    It’s ok to relax heart.

    It’s ok to express throat.

    Hmm.

    I don’t want to feel unseen. I feel angry and scared feeling unseen. I love my anger and my fear.

    Yay! I am loving myself! I am babystepping. I will soon be healed.



  36.  #36Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Daria,

    Re: #28 – Thank you, no problem. I feel much better reading that. I am cool with you processing your past issues in light of your current growth. That is healthy.

    BTW, about the past community leader with whom I shared an attraction, I am also currently trying to decide if I want to bare my feelings to a current community leader from whom I felt a lot of hurt. I felt shunned and I think it is because I shared with someone who knew this person about my past interaction with the other man. And I was totally judged. I am wishing I had never shared with them. I am deciding if I will just let it go (I already stopped going to the community center where I feel shunned, which is also where I met Ryan in 2007). Or if I want to further bare my heart and open up with feeling messages about how much I felt rejected, etc.



  37.  #37Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

    “no matter how “loud” you feel when you share those things – that’s GIRL stuff. You are NOT being a ‘boy” when you’re standing up for yourself and sharing what you want and don’t want.”

    I love this because it’s about setting boundaries. Standing up for yourself isn’t trying to “get” something from him…it’s telling him what you need and allowing him to choose whether or not he can provide it. It’s not asking HIM to provide it…it’s telling him your plan is to find a man who WILL provide it.

    I love it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  38.  #38Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Daria,

    RE: #33 – Thank you for explaining that. I feel peace about that. I accept that. It’s all good – it’s healthy.

    We’ll process together. I still like bears, tho, and I still like to express my silly side, even if you see it as attention-seeking. It is the little girl side of myself that likes to play.



  39.  #39Lori on February 7, 2011 at 10:55 am

    I saw a couple at work yesterday. He sat down in the booth and she physically “scooched” him over so she could sit next to him rather than across from him. She put her arm around him, straightened the chain, his collar, his hair several times. He looked like he was merely tolerating, not enjoying it and did not reciprocate at all. I kept watching and feeling how much masculine energy she exuded and how he seemed so uncomfortable with it….



  40.  #40Josie on February 7, 2011 at 10:56 am

    @ Mercedes 37

    It’s not asking HIM to provide it…it’s telling him your plan is to find a man who WILL provide it.

    How would that conversation go, for you?
    I am struggling trying to formulate this conversation in my mind before I share it with my man, again..lol



  41.  #41Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Brenda I hear you that you didn’t identify with my personal experience of your words.

    I shared some stuff about how I am open about my life with people above – when I come from a place of Admiration for myself, it feels good.



  42.  #42Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Daria,

    RE: #30 – Good point. I think I want to err on the side of being too transparent. It feels so freeing! It feels so healthy! I feel in touch with myself!

    Nothing gets built up inside, cuz it comes right back out! No resentment, no anger, just a free flow of energy, in and out. 🙂



  43.  #43FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

    RE 29 Brenda I am taking a chance at writing this because it is some Christian Carter wisdom that several people here seem to suggest that they don’t want to hear but here goes.

    I have read from him that everything comes up to the surface in the face of love. Whether it is selflove or love from others things that are buried in our subconscious comes up. Maybe that is what is happening for you? Without meaning to preach you might be aware of “all things are lawful but not all things are expedient” also “this is a hard saying who can bear it” and “don’t cast your pearls before swine”. Just as we are learning here about what is appropriate to share with a man (feminine) and what might be inappropriate (masculine), I feel that wisdom dictates what we share anywhere. Not everyone will understand or appreciate our journey or where we are at on it so IMHO it is never really okay to just open up and share. Somehow the contexts is important and waiting for an invitation might be good. I have a need to feel safe and would not necessarily open up all my feelings on a church blog. For that matter I would not open it all up with family so for me I could not what people I did not spend most of my life with. We will always be judged no matter the forum because all human beings have issues and we see each other through our own filters. Hope this make sense for you.



  44.  #44Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Daria,

    RE: #41 – Thank you, I feel heard. I feel really good processing this stuff openly and gently with you.



  45.  #45Daria on February 7, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Brenda – I still feel cringe when I read I like bears. I guess it’s me, I got slammed a lot for being ‘silly’ and later ‘annoying’ in childhood and now it’s triggering the crap out of me.

    I feel uncomfortable reading it because I think it brings up those feelings of shame and rejection I felt then.



  46.  #46Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Boomer,

    RE: #16 – Wow! Your profile is superb! Thank you so much for sharing! I absolutely love it!



  47.  #47Katnina on February 7, 2011 at 11:05 am

    I feel scared. Tightness in my chest and shoulders. Pressure in my lower belly.
    Michigan man took me out Thursday night (our 6th date$. It was lovely. Then it got intense. Now it seems he’s pulling away.
    I went on 2 cd’s this weekend but I was thinking about him the whole time.
    I don’t want to feel scared and anxious. I want to feel reassured that he is into me.
    I texted him Friday afternoon after our date since he always is the first to make contact.
    Just something cute and sweet & he wrote back ‘ it was really nice seeing you! And that he has work that he had to do this weekend. I wrote back ‘that sucks about work, hope you have some time to yourself to chill.’
    and I haven’t heard from him since. Which is not abnormal, we usually go 3-4 days between contact. But I want to hear from him more often. And I feel scared to tell him that. That feels very vulnerable to me.

    What would that sound like?
    ‘I felt disappointed that I didn’t get to see you this weekend. I love spending time with you & want to see you/hear from you more often. What do you think?’
    Sirens, Is that too boy energy?? Do you have suggestions for this reeling message?



  48.  #48tinque on February 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

    “they aren’t full of LOVE like we are” – I disagree with this statement. In many cases, I have observed men to fall much harder for their woman and suffer much more when if it ends.

    They are very much full of love, and if given the opportunity, will let it flow much more freely without agenda than many women.

    They tend to find their healing more readily through our hearts though.

    xxoo



  49.  #49FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:07 am

    RE 37 Mercedes thanks for that. Just goes to show how sometimes I read stuff but it doesn’t sink in much less to incorporate into may way of being. I wrote in 15 that I have not seen anything about standing up for yourself and it is right in this post. Thanks again.



  50.  #50Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Daria,

    RE: #45 – I totally relate. I was way too silly and annoying in childhood, too. I remember once my brother said, “Kids are so noisy!” when I was doing 3 stooges stuff with a friend. And that’s just one example! 🙂

    I had bears on my mind this morning with a smile because last night I was laying on my phone while I was taking a nap, and, being a slider phone, it accidentally called Ryan!

    He called me back a little later, worried if I was ok, since it is out of character for me to call him and say nothing. Being half asleep, I spontaneously said to him, “I like bears”.

    He has heard it before, and I explained to him in the past that it was about teddy bears, and more or less calling him a teddy bear. So he got silly with me last night and responded, “Bears like to eat nuts, berries, and small animals.”

    It made me laugh and I felt happy, because Ryan is usually far more serious! And, it especially felt good to hear him laugh! I haven’t heard that in a long time!

    I seriously have a very playful side that you all rarely see. And, that’s a part of me I never want to change! 🙂



  51.  #51FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

    RE 47 Katnina where I am right now I would choose to wait until he initiates before sharing that with him. That would be what I give back.



  52.  #52tinque on February 7, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Daria – I just want to say that I love how you have shifted and changed through and within your process here as well your entire essence energy which I feel through your words. Wow is all I can say.

    xxoo



  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for the day.

    xoxo
    SLV



  54.  #54tinque on February 7, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Brenda and Daria – Silly is wonderful. Silly is grand. Revel in your silliness. There is much joy therein.

    xxoo



  55.  #55Summerbaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Brenda,

    Keep in mind what works for Daria, may not work for you. I didn’t take it as Daria saying that you were looking for attention, only that was what her filters were doing for her.

    I didn’t see you as looking for attention at all, but looking for assistance with what to share. Being completely transparent with everyone can set you up to be wounded. IMO, and this is strictly what works for me so anyone else would have to decide if it was a good fit for them or not… is this: I think about what it is I want to share… then I think of how I would feel if the person who I’m sharing about found out what I had to say (in the instance of being attracted to someone) how would I feel especially if it changed their perception of me in a less than favorable way.

    I’ve had best gfs leak info that I considered highly private. I’ve learned that I like protecting my tender feelings if I have a crush or just an attraction… I don’t share those feelings with anyone, unless the person has ALWAYS been trustworthy for me.

    Hugs to you,
    Summerbaby



  56.  #56Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Josie: I apologize, I’ve been working a lot lately and traveling a lot as well so I don’t know your background story (ie are you married?). In my case, I did have that conversation and it wasn’t pretty…ummm…at all. LOL Not a single feeling message, a lot of finger pointing, a little bit of throwing things….it was bad so I don’t suggest doing it my way. LOL

    But…what I did do was tell him what I was never going to tolerate (these were things he had done to me) and then I stormed out and started dating other men. As soon as that happened, he wanted me back (which took a lot of time to convince me). There was never an “again” or another conversation about it…he no longer hurts me, he gives me everything I need (and then some) and he shows love and affection all the time (I mean all the time).

    He’s no longer afraid of losing me (which he was when I started circular dating) but he does fully understand that by crossing my boundaries, he WILL lose me. I’m not threatening to leave him, he just knows what I need to be happy and he knows I will take care of myself first. Now, he always wants to see me smile and he knows how to make that happen. I’m very lucky.

    I guess (and I hope this doesn’t come off harsh…as I said, I don’t really know your story well) what I’m trying to say is that if you are standing up for yourself and setting boundaries with the same man more than once then what you’re failing to do is follow through with those boundaries and make him understand you mean it.

    If a guy disrespects boundaries or your wants/desires, it means he doesn’t believe (or doesn’t know) what the consequences are for doing it (or there aren’t any). I firmly recommend full on circular dating if you’re not married and if you are, I firmly recommend circular dating yourself (sign up for classes, go shopping – or window shopping, get out of the house). These things really do bring the right guy closer because, in the beginning, they realize (and fear) they could lose you. In the end, they simply have learned how to make you happy and that makes them happy.

    At least that’s how it worked for me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  57.  #57Summerbaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Whoops, my cache didn’t update… so glad Daria and Brenda worked through everything and balance is restored.

    Summerbaby



  58.  #58JenniferW on February 7, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Tinque,

    Did I hear somewhere you have a blog?



  59.  #59Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Daria,

    RE: #52 – What Tinque said! Yes, I see so much beautiful growth in you!

    Tinque,

    RE: #54 – Thanks! That feels good to hear!



  60.  #60Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 11:25 am

    JenniferW,

    Just click on Tinque’s name and it will take you to her site! She is the queen of beautiful, soulful, intimate sex!



  61.  #61Josie on February 7, 2011 at 11:25 am

    @ Mercedes 56

    Thank you soooh much for sharing, it really has helped me in my quest for understanding more.

    My man and I are engaged and he lives 50 miles away with his kids. We talk via text and phone every day and see each other every weekend. We have been together almost 6 months.
    I find it difficult to be busy doing other things because I do something else at the weekend it’d be 2 weeks before I saw him again. I do try and wait a few hours after getting home from work to take time out and relax before I ring him but it doesn’t feel like I’m being ‘high value’ right now, because I feel like I’m so available to him.
    Hopefully that will all change when he moves up here an into a house together.



  62.  #62Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 11:26 am

    FeminineWoman: You make me smile…I’m glad I could help. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  63.  #63Summerbaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:34 am

    At what point during dating do you state your intentions for what you want? As in, I don’t want to be anyone’s gf, I want a commitment.

    Is it girl energy to bring it up? Today we were talking and I said, “it would feel wonderful to see you more than once a week.” to which he said Yes. but that’s where it ended. No effort on his part to change that at all.

    So I have stated what I want on a couple of occasions. Do I go into further detail?

    Summerbaby



  64.  #64Daria on February 7, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Josie – don’t ring him. Let him ring you. He may grumble at first. You will feel more high value.



  65.  #65life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I’ve always been a curious, why this, why that person, especially as a child, and when I feel happy and joyful around a man, I can act child-like and revert to child-like behaviors. and this made jung guy annoyed.

    he shared with me what had put him on edge this past week and apologized and said he did not mean it to be an excuse for his behavior.

    So I am happy about that.

    I don’t think he knows enough about what is happening for him to know how I fit into his life, but i feel he cares a lot for me, and he is doing the best he can. It is hard to walk away from that.

    All I can do is, like the wise post above reiterates, is to keep leaning back, just state what I want, don’t want, what is acceptable, what is not, and just see how he shows up.

    xxoo
    *LiFe*



  66.  #66Daria on February 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Summerbaby – I say I want marriage and no gf in the first convo.

    With a man, you can’t Ask him for anything. That won’t work.

    You can share that your feeling lonely, and bad. And miss him. What does he think?

    You Circular Date .



  67.  #67Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Josie: 🙁 I’m not going to be much help because the situation you are in is not one I would allow myself to be in.

    I’m not opposed to long distance relationships (J and I did it for 2 years or maybe a little more…I can’t remember). We lived several thousand miles apart and saw each other every two months…sometimes once a month for a few months in a row. It was terribly difficult emotionally for both of us but we did it.

    Here’s where you and I differ so much though:

    1. I would not be engaged to a man I’m in a long distance relationship with.

    2. I would not be engaged after dating someone for 6 months.

    3. I would not even be exclusive with a man I’ve only been dating for 6 months.

    4. When that man moved closer to me we would not be living together. (going from long distance with lots of space to living together is way to big of a jump in my mind – when J and I moved closer, we didn’t move in together…and we had a rough enough time of it as it was since it was so different from what we had been dealing with). Long distance is about being on “vacation” together over weekends and long holidays. Real dating (when you live close to each other) is when the “real” you will come out…and I personally don’t want to be living in the same house with a man while we’re getting to know the “real” us…

    What you’re doing is soooo not me. I do understand how it must feel like you’re too available for him (because it seems that way to me too) and I can see how you wouldn’t want to miss seeing him on a weekend, etc…but you also say: “I do try and wait a few hours after getting home from work to take time out and relax before I ring him” and my question is “why are you ringing him? Why isn’t he initiating that?”…and if you’re busy during the week and you’re not available to answer his calls sometimes because you are out dating and enjoying YOUR OWN life…there’s nothing wrong with that. Becoming less available because you feel too available is more like game playing…becoming less available because you have a life is more like rock star.

    Anyway…I’m sorry I’m not much help here. Your situation just seems very scary to me…for me, it would spell disaster with a man because I personally can’t begin to give all I have to give and to receive all I am capable of receiving after only 6 months.

    Hope that makes sense…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  68.  #68Josie on February 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

    @ Daria 64
    Yes, I agree, it would feel better to let him ring me first all the time but it’s not really practical due to my ever changing work hours. I never know what time I’m going to get home in the eveinings.

    I do however ALWAYS wait for him to get in touch during the day. I never initiate contact during the day, I wait for him to text first and then I respond. I even have to wait several hours to reply sometimes due to being busy and that makes me feel of higher value to him.



  69.  #69FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Summerbaby with a man that you have been with I feel one has to wait until he brings up “friends with benefits” conversation or says he wants his space. Many times we overlook to bring it up in the first conversation because of fear or lack of awareness.



  70.  #70Summerbaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Daria, thanks for that…. however, I did not know about Rori when I started seeing him a couple months ago. I think I discovered the blog a few weeks later.

    I’m not looking to ask him for anything, but I’m trying to figure out how/when/or if to bring it up at this stage. In terms of stating what it is I’m looking for. I try to speak in feeling messages as often as I can with him. Maybe that’s why he’s so consistent?

    As a classic overfunctioner, I am wrestling with myself on an almost constant basis to lean back. It’s exhausting! lol

    Summerbaby



  71.  #71life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 11:50 am

    @56 Mercedes

    “If a guy disrespects boundaries or your wants/desires, it means he doesn’t believe (or doesn’t know) what the consequences are for doing it (or there aren’t any). I firmly recommend full on circular dating if you’re not married and if you are, I firmly recommend circular dating yourself (sign up for classes, go shopping – or window shopping, get out of the house). These things really do bring the right guy closer because, in the beginning, they realize (and fear) they could lose you. In the end, they simply have learned how to make you happy and that makes them happy.”

    Wise words! So true!

    It seems that it is this way not only with men, but with all people, and also children and dogs. Cats, you can forget about. they don’t give a f%!k!

    Sometimes it does take a big shake up like what you experienced for everyone to get the proper perspective.

    xxoo
    *LiFe*



  72.  #72FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:50 am

    RE 68 You know what I say Josie even if it is not practical, there is always voicemail and I am committed to returning calls once I am okay with it.



  73.  #73FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 11:52 am

    RE 70 Summerbaby “As a classic overfunctioner, I am wrestling with myself on an almost constant basis to lean back. It’s exhausting!”

    Is there anyway to change this perspective. “I am learning to lean back, it is empowering but I love the feeling of ………(whatever the feeling is that the lean back brings up)”



  74.  #74Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 11:54 am

    I’ve got to get to work but before I do, Summberbaby (#63): I’m with Daria…I’d say it right away…hell, I’d put it in my online dating profile: “Looking for FOREVER, not FOR NOW but hoping to meet lots of fun men and go on lots of fun adventures until he comes along”….or something like that. LOL

    “So I have stated what I want on a couple of occasions. Do I go into further detail?”

    Actions speak louder than words. I wouldn’t keep talking about it. I’d go out there and FIND what you’re looking for (lots of dates). He knows what you want because you’ve told him – no need to keep telling him. The ball is in his court. If he can/will provide what you want, he’ll step up. If not, at least you won’t be waiting for it, you’ll be actively looking for it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  75.  #75Summerbaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:56 am

    FW @73

    changing my perspective – great advice.

    Focusing on how it feels when he leans forward – yeah baby! that’s the shift I want.

    thanks,
    Summerbaby



  76.  #76Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Life (#71)…not just cats…teenagers too…it takes them a little longer as well. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  77.  #77life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Oh yeah! I forgot….Teenagers. Tell me about it, miss m!
    (trans.: don’t i know that all too well what you are talking about)

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  78.  #78life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    OK, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a moment.
    While I am pretty much in the stating what you want from the get-go camp, aka, i want forever, not right now, no girlfriend, i’m circular dating until he shows up, and then some, camp, i have to wonder if disclosing this up front doesn’t sometimes put us women at a disadvantage.

    Because then the ones with less integrity know exactly what they have to say and do to get you hooked no matter if they want to just string you along because they don’t want to lose you, until something better comes along, or if they really do know and consider you future wife material.

    I also still think that some men view this all as a way to make them commit, even if a woman is not using it that way, and can be a turn off to them.

    Comments, anyone?

    xxxooo
    LiFe*



  79.  #79life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    And I saw in a movie where a man asked a woman why does a women say to a man they don’t have a commitment from, i’m just a girl, i have to watch out for myself, i need blah, blah, blah, and then they jump into his lap ?

    It makes you wonder…..



  80.  #80Boomer on February 7, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    OK, so, I’m going to go further out on my limb and admit that I feel exposed and vulnerable posting my dating profiles here.

    Here’s what I post on Match. It’s getting lots of attention, actually. I hear all the time how “different” my profiles are and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

    I’m curious as to how you all feel when you read my profiles. I will happily return the favor…

    My tagline on top is a line from song by The Cure from my college days: “Show me show me how you do that trick…the one that makes me laugh she said….” I usually do a fun line from a song I like.

    And then:

    “I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one” (like that Meredith Brooks song): a blend of girl next-door, professional, sci-fi/computer nerd, egghead, pop-culture buff, New Age hippie, girlie-girl, siren, stand-up comic, and former jock.

    I’m deeply thoughtful and sincere despite my expressive exterior (I do that Italian talk-with-my-hands thing, I admit), and though I’m quick and energetic and engaging, I do feel the need for balance with introverted activities, like reading and writing and listening to music. I exercise several time a week–weights, running, yoga, and kickboxing. (My goal is to be able to say “athletic and toned” on here within three months. Heck, it’s my goal not to be on here period in three months, but that’s a different story…read on if you’d like to hear how that one goes…)

    Chivalry and kindness are the keys to my heart. I feel at my feminine best with a man who knows that his words and actions affect others, so he strives to do the right thing pretty much always, even (especially) when it’s difficult. He’s the type of guy who goes back into the store because the clerk gave him too much change or who gives the panhandler a few bucks occasionally just because ya never know and because he feels so fortunate. He tries to be cool with his ex(es), and believes that the high road is best always. He smiles easily, especially at me, and is emotionally generous. He’s both passionate and a grown-up. If he’s funny and a little brainy and playful and has excellent grammar…BONUS!”

    Then the same yada yada from the other profile about being a mysterious girlie conundrum and all that….

    Thoughts? Feelings? Too much? Too little? Care to share your own?



  81.  #81Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Life: I see what you’re saying, but I have a little bit different take on it. For those of you who want to get married, if a man considers you “future wife material” you’ll know…because he’ll have already been down on one knee, you will have a diamond on your finger and you will both have already chosen the date. Not many men will go to those lengths to string you along until someone better shows up.

    Before I started circular dating, I think J was stringing me along (or maybe we were doing it to each other, I don’t know) while he tried to figure out what he really wanted. I don’t think he meant it and I don’t think he knew he was going to hurt me one day but I do think I was allowing him to have his cake and eat it too (me, as often as he wanted, with no future to think about). When I started dating, he realized that cake was going to find what she wanted and unless he did some serious soul searching, I wasn’t going to find it with him…(he was losing me and it was happening very, very quickly). He committed SOON after I started dating. It took a long time for me to trust that he really had committed but during that time while he was waiting for me to come back, he never stopped trying…and to this day he hasn’t stopped trying (Saturday morning he asked me if he was doing everything he could to show me how much he loved me because he never wants me to doubt it…and this is four years or so since he committed to me…two years since I moved in with him. He’s STILL wanting to make sure he’s doing enough to show me how much he loves me!).

    As for turning off some men….yes…you can certainly do that by stating what you want up front and going for it every single day. But the ones you’ll turn off are the ones who don’t want to commit to a woman. That makes it less about losing them because you’ve turned them off and more about weeding them out because they’re not ready in my opinion. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  82.  #82FeminineWoman on February 7, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Mercedes is it safe to assume that every guy goes down on his knee to propose or to commit?



  83.  #83Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    FeminineWoman: No, I don’t assume that at all…J didn’t go down on one knee…there’s no ring and no date set yet we are committed for LIFE. What I am NOT though is “future wife material” and I know this (I actually would be the first to insist on it) and so does he. All the cards are on the table, neither of us wants marriage and if that changes in either of our hearts, we have an absolute promise to not lose each other over it…we’ll do whatever it takes to stay together forever as long as certain boundaries are not crossed. That’s commitment in our eyes.

    What I do believe safe to assume is that you are not a future wife until you have a future wedding date set and you are not a wife until after the wedding.

    (the image of the proposal being down on one knee was just an image…guys think of lots of other ways to propose but there is generally a “will you marry me?” type question and then, in my opinion, a date set before a woman is actually engaged)

    A lot of women risk committing to a man before he commits to her or they risk not saying anything up front because they don’t want to scare a guy off. Sometimes that works. Actually, a lot of times it works. I personally don’t recommend it but that’s just me going off my own experience and understanding what a total waste of time that can be.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  84.  #84life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Thank you, Mercedes. Your story inspires me.
    I meant “wife” more in a figurative sense, meaning,
    “commitment”, to include not only marriage, but agreements like the one you and J have.

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  85.  #85Mercedes on February 7, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    FeminineWoman: I see. I never use the word “wife” to describe a woman who isn’t actually married so that might be where I was misinterpreting your meaning.

    In any case, commitment, in my opinion, can take on any form a couple wants. The problem comes in when people want two different things (for example if J wanted a commitment like we have and I wanted to get married). In that case, holding in what you want for fear of losing someone or getting hurt is, in my own experience, a waste of months…sometimes years…when in reality, a little honesty up front could have changed everything.

    That’s why J and I agree…if anything ever changes in what one of us wants, we’ll go to the other right away…we’ll give each other time….we’ll communicate and most of all, we will not lose each other over a deep heartfelt desire for something other than what it already is.

    He’s such a blessing to me…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  86.  #86Tmizz on February 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Thanks, Ladies!

    It feels really good to hear your honest feedback. And it also feels good to have written out what was going on for me rather than going out and “doing” something! 🙂

    RE: FW #5 That is a really positive goal to shoot for! Yes!

    RE: Daria #7 What did you mean when you said “no contact is for a man we don’t want in our lives”? Don’t we use “no contact” for a man we DO want in our lives?

    RE: #9 – Yes! That was Feminine Energy. And it felt good! I was also in feminine energy a number of other times, and it always resulted in him coming my way. I can try to do that again, but I seem to have a way of switching into “boy” energy at a certain point. I guess I’m just going to need to practice some self awareness!

    And about the “friend” issue… It’s possible that I got him to see me that way, by what I was doing, but I’m not certain. What I do know, from what he told me about some of his past relationships, is that several of his girfriends “drifted” away from him in the past. But from what he told me, he was still into them, and it was more the women who moved away and started to see him in a “friend” type way. I have to admit that I experienced some of this, too. I tried not to, but I could see how some of the women in his life could have felt that way, and I often got the impression that he saw me as a friend that he just really wanted to sleep with (we didn’t – but he was VERY attracted to me). And when I told him about that feeling, he said that wasn’t accurate to what he felt. But that was certainly what that was coming across to me. So maybe he is used to women just stepping up for him, he leans back and expects it. It happens, and in the end the relationship fails and he has no idea why. Perhaps he inadvertently treats women like “friends.” I don’t know. But that’s why, in the end, I don’t think it was all “my fault.” But I do in some ways wish that some things could have been different.

    Next time: more femininergy!



  87.  #87life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    I just think that a whole lot of guys are still entrenched in the whole idea of exclusive one at a time girlfriend/boyfriend relationship and their masculine egos will not entertain committing to you while you are dating other men, no matter how you put it, or how pure your intention is. They still consider it an ultimatum.

    I’m not a teenager or college student any more and I don’t want to spend that kind of time just making time, when it’s not taking me to where I want to be.

    It seems that a big part of our job here as women trying to make these shifts in male female relationships these days,

    is making them understand that it is not personal, or that we are not using them, that we really like them and can possibly see ourselves making a life with them, but that we can’t just gamble precious time away on pipe dreams, without keeping all the bases covered.

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  88.  #88tinque on February 7, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    “is it safe to assume that every guy goes down on his knee to propose or to commit?”

    No absolutely not. In my case no discussion was ever had about commitment. It just was, and it was VERY clear to each of us. It was all “said” through action, the way we are with each other, how we spend our time (mostly together except when K is at work), the energy felt between us.

    The only thing that was said early on is that we both are firmly monogamous. Yet we still had to build trust between us in order to feel secure with each other; he had been cheated on, and I had abandonment issues.

    We still don’t talk much about this stuff even after nine years. It really just is, and I love the isness of our relationship. There is comfort in that.

    xxoo



  89.  #89life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    So, Tinque, did you not circular date at any time while with K?



  90.  #90Ella on February 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Re this post…

    Errr, yes, this is me!

    Well it was and now I am working hard to change it, using both my boy and girl energy.

    I sometimes overfunction and then kinda pretend to myself that I haven’t. Like make excuses for my leaning forward… and downplay it.

    I am not too bad anymore. Quite lean back most of the time with my actions.

    My work is still in getting myself to lean back in my mind, and my emotions.

    I still ‘think’ and obsess about guys with tunnel vision sometimes which makes me feel anxious… or actually I feel anxious and then I do it (lean forward in my head). And then the vibe feels off.

    Its just the last few steps with this.

    Sometimes I can turn it around perfectly and my mindset is just right.

    At those times I feel peaceful.

    But then suddenly my anxious feelings and NVs return and I go into lean forward again by obsessing, figuring out and overthinking.

    Gently gently keep moving towards peace and girl energy.



  91.  #91tinque on February 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    life is too short – I didn’t meet Rori until I was three years into this relationship, 5 1/2 years ago now.

    So no I did not CD, didn’t know anything about it. I imagine sometimes what I would do if I found myself single. I would likely CD.

    Yet if someone like K came around, I would likely stop, not because he would have asked me to and not because we had an “OMG this is the one moment” when we got together. We definitely saw and felt something different in each other. There was a knowing even with our fears. We had stuff to work through, but it was our individual stuff more, not so much the us stuff.

    Our relationship has always been easy and flowy. Even when I had my porn discovery melt down, it was MY stuff coming up, and I knew it immediately. WE were not so much affected. There were a couple of weeks where we both were feeling apprehensive of what might happen, but from there, we as a couple were back on track to revelation and growth.

    He healed as I did. I don’t know if you have heard me say this before, but I believe that men heal best through our hearts, not that they can’t do it alone; they certainly can, but it seems to be more deeply through our healing.

    xxoo



  92.  #92tinque on February 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I do CD by talking to people when I’m out and about, not so much flirting, but maybe it is. I’m usually open and eager to connect to people even if only briefly.

    I CD myself all the time.

    xxoo



  93.  #93Ella on February 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Ok, I have been avoiding posting on this cus I feel worried of being slammed for what I am doing.

    And of being judged as not ‘doing the right thing’ or ‘behaving the right way’.

    But I feel all tight heart and squirmy by not sharing when I really want to.

    I want to be honest and show my true self and I feel afraid of being rejected.

    Ok, well here it is.

    I am still in contact with Mr Barman. Even after everything, and the lying and his addiction.

    I am not in a relationship with him though.

    He has an addiction. I see this truth.

    And I have seen the advice from Sirens telling me to run. And I have read forums for partners of addicts and I see how truly miserable that kind of life looks.

    And yet I am not ready to sever the connection.

    I see that I am also an addict of sorts.

    I want to heal.

    I could go into the details of how we are still in contact but they are irrelevant.

    I leant back mostly, leant forward a few times and also got drawn in when I could have walked away.

    I have been drawn in emotionally and mentally a few times and other times I have been moving away from him.

    I still feel anxious sometimes.

    BUT

    I am living my life.

    I am getting on with my stuff.

    I have made it clear we are not together and won’t be unless this stuff is dealt with.

    I do feel sad about this but I will follow through with it.

    I have already walked away a few times.

    And I am holding my boundaries.

    I will only spend time with him when he is straight.

    If I feel uncomfortable I leave.

    If I suspect he is using I leave.

    And I am continually using feeling messages and practice non blaming.

    And I am leaning back.

    Nothing happens unless he initiates it.

    I still feel anxious when I don’t hear from him for a bit but this is gently being worked on too, and my life is becoming too good to stay stuck on this stress.

    I am intending to feel ok no matter what he does.

    I am CD-ing. I am going out and doing other things.

    I am focusing on me and my work.

    I have choices.

    And I plan to continue experimenting and seeing how I feel with different men.

    I am paying particular attention to how I feel around him, rather than analysing the issues.

    And I will be doing the same with the other guys I CD.

    I am getting triggered with him but I am also using this to learn about myself.

    And I am feeling really great about the way I am responding to him, especially around holding my boundaries and stating my feelings, even when I feel emotional, furious or scared.

    And also this is putting me off from doing any drugs myself, which is somewhere I have wanted to be for a while.

    But I don’t want to judge him.

    Only decide whether he is a match for me.

    I doubt it, but I want to stay open for now.

    Just feels like what I need to do.

    But I am also staying VERY open to other things and people coming into my life. And beginning to think that I want something that feels very different.



  94.  #94Ella on February 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Can he change?

    I don’t know.

    Can I?

    Yes, I am! Te he…



  95.  #95Lisa T on February 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Brenda,

    You were the last person I had chatted with on the blog. As you know I was the one that had the younger man and with no commitment after 8 years. And you gave some of Rori’s info. Well basically I need some guidance and guidance from the other ladies. I started to use some of Rori’s techniques, such as the I Feel things, I felt better about saying them to my man. Well he was still calling me and texting me and I kinda thought maybe things were looking up. Due to his job he had told me that he couldn’t commit to having a relationship with me or the other person he has been seeing, of course they are friends. Right now he has a cold stone heart to me but it is open to her. So a couple of weekends ago I had to go out of town for work and he had been spending some time with me such as a lunch on Saturday afternoon and lunch after church and the chatting on the phone, called me 6 am to make sure I was up and before he went to bed. I tried to be happy and express myself better. He told me that I was clingy and after reading all the Rori stuff yes I was clingy. I changed what I was doing and held myself back on that. So when I went out of town for the weekend he thought “Well I spent enough time with this one well I need to see the other one”. I assumed he basically had cut off the communication on the phone with her but I new he had to see her one night out of the week due to the function he attends. I basically asked him if he had been corresponding with her and he said he did and he took her out for dinner. Sh..t that didn’t fly with me very well. I asked why does he keep calling me. I told him I was trying to give him his space so he could make his mind up. I told him I was willing to wait for him and if someone asked me out I would take up that opportunity. There he went again, keep the communication up so I couldn’t see anyone else. I was devastated when he told me he went to dinner that weekend. Talk about the blood rushing down thru your body. I was so mad at him I just weeped off and on all day long and the next day. I asked him again if we were really over and he couldn’t answer that until his work load ended in April. So he is keeping his boundaries and not calling, not at all. So the only time I will get to see this man if I see him in church. I told him I didn’t know if I could go to the same church again. I didn’t know if I should avoid him at all and go to another church? He told me he would like to see me there. I also told him that I couldn’t be his friend if he had him another girlfriend, I don’t think that was right.

    So, he spoke to me Sunday at church. I had a movie date with a girlfriend, he never asked if I wanted to eat lunch like normal after church. But I would have told him I had a DATE. So I went back to church at the evening service, he sat with me. Not much for chit chat and he walked me to my car. No kiss but I got a hug. The poor thing looks a little sad. I did ask him why he looked so sad, and he didn’t think he looked sad, he said. So I really don’t know what to do now. As far as the Rori thing goes. I told him I loved him and missed him. How do you lean back in church. Should I ask total happy like nothing has happened? I am trying to get back into the Lord as I put him aside for about a year and that was part of the issue with us separating.

    Someone tell me how to act. My son is having learning issues in school and I need to put my time and energy into him. I do agree with that, I told him that I need to take my energy that I put into him and put into my son to help him graduate. So he is concerned about my son, and this will be his way to communicate with me just to talk to me.

    How should I speak to him, how do I lean back, do I still apply the feeling issue with him. Or just not act concern? Someone make some suggestions for me. I really would like for this to work, and yes only the good lord knows. I have been in contact with a person that I deal with thru my work and told him I was ready to go out. I will probably see this person on Saturday at a dinner function. Maybe I can get something out of that!

    Please help.. Lisa T

    OMG, I need to catch up on the blog. Looks like there is some big stuff on the site….



  96.  #96Ella on February 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    One thing that is proving very tricky with Mr B is not leaning forward… completely contradicts the CRAFT method, which is a programme that supports people who care about an alcoholic or an addict.

    A lot of that is about doing nice things for the person when they are sober/straight… rewarding this kind of behaviour.

    And totally not what we do as ‘girls’.

    And I have so much info I could share with him IF he wants to conquer his addiction.

    BUT that would be ‘helping’, and helping is really just leaning forward and controlling. So I have been holding back.

    This is a valuable lesson for me about timing and not trying to force or control things.

    Ie: if it turns out he is not ready to deal with his issue then I will have to accept that. And right now I don’t know.

    Which is a good place for me to practice being… no closure.

    So there is a conflict here within the RR approach and the CRAFT approach, and this is just another reason why I don’t think a relationship is possible.

    On the other hand CRAFT programme also teaches about boundaries… and not trying to make the other person do what you want. Which fits in with RR stuff nicely.

    So this is an interesting mirror for me to look at the excuses I use to lean forward.

    And also I have been looking a lot at what I am getting from this?

    How do I use this to not focus on me?

    What am I trying to avoid?

    What does this say about the level of intimacy I am confortable with right now?

    Aha… yes there is one to work on with CD-ing.

    And also to know that in some ways I am kinda happy with this level of intimacy.

    But I want to practice what it feels like just gently to have a little more…

    I have realised I have become quite panicky in the past when I have had real intimacy and have freaked out. And found it ‘boring’ or found ways to sabotage it cus I can’t tolerate it.

    V v interesting.

    So yes much learning happening here.

    I want healing here. But gently. No Yanking or massive separation trauma.

    And I will use Siren powers to work out how to relate to Mr B in a healthy Siren way AND still leave doors open for recovery if he chooses.

    But most importantly keep taking care of me, practicing and moving towards the life, and relationship I want.

    And sometimes it feels hard.

    And I feel panicky not ‘doing’ stuff.

    But I want to beleive that change is possible.

    For him, for me, who knows.

    And healing.



  97.  #97femenergylove on February 7, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    is it leaning forward buying a guy you like a valentines gift?



  98.  #98life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Tinque “I don’t know if you have heard me say this before, but I believe that men heal best through our hearts, not that they can’t do it alone; they certainly can, but it seems to be more deeply through our healing.”

    I agree with that wholeheartedly. Which is why I am having such a great time with practicing more and more sinking down into authenticity and vulnerability, and seeing how when I do that, it creates the safe place for him to bare his soul more, to me too. And that is how you start to get to know someone intimately. Love it!

    and your relationship is inspirational too

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  99.  #99Questioneer on February 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I have been away for a few days…

    Lots of CDing among other things!

    I have a question for you all, how have you handled circular dating and having sex with one of the men…as you continue to CD? How has that gone for you…good, bad, doesn’t apply…any tips on how to handle…

    Thank you!!!

    xxxx



  100.  #100life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    @97 femenergylove
    imo, only if you are sure it will be reciprocal, and let him give his gift to you first.
    xxoo
    LiFe*



  101.  #101life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    @99 Questioneer
    it is a challenge to be in a sexual relationship with one of the CD’s and still keep him on “equal footing” with other CDs who I am not having that kind of relationship with. I don’t know if I can do that, because i bond more intensely that way. Perhaps I shouldn’t be sleeping with any of them if I can’t keep them all equal. Treating them all the same is part of the CD program. I don’t know. I have not figured out what treating them all the same really means. For instance, I would be more apt to accept a last minute invite if I was free, from a guy i had been cding longer and sleeping with, than one that I had just started to CD.

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  102.  #102tinque on February 7, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    “is it leaning forward buying a guy you like a valentines gift?” – yes

    xxoo



  103.  #103Questioneer on February 7, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Thank you life_is…he is definitely not getting equal treatment at this point 🙂 need to work on this…I appreciate your input!



  104.  #104Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    @102: tinque says:
    “is it leaning forward buying a guy you like a valentines gift?” – yes”

    I’m guessing here that this is not the same as saying that one should not “lean forward” although I know this was not the original question.

    There are certain times I’ll be “lean-y” anyway… 😀 but would like your take on it. Some year my sweetie is going to get a little bunch of candy that was popular when he was ten years old… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  105.  #105Femininewoman on February 7, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    RE 88 Thanks Tinque



  106.  #106Daria on February 7, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I miss u guys



  107.  #107Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    @106: Daria says:
    “I miss u guys…”

    Where are you…
    ❓ ❓ ❓

    xoxo
    SLV



  108.  #108Femininewoman on February 7, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Lucy,

    I am currently listening to the audiobook Emotional Intelligence. I just heard the segment on emotional flooding and how couples operate on an emotional level. One thing that stuck out from me was a reference to John Gottman’s work I read some time ago. It spoke about stonewalling, eyerolling, contempt,criticism and blame suggesting that a spouse, most time the woman, gets physically ill in the presence of these; particularly contempt. You know the classical upcurled lip. Really deep stuff.



  109.  #109Femininewoman on February 7, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    LisaT your comment is not quite clear what you really want. However, it seems you might need to focus on yourself, forget about asking him questions about the relationship or the other person. It sends the message that you are invested in him. Personally I would not sit next to him because for me it does not feel good to be physically with someone knowing his heart is somewhere else with someone else.



  110.  #110Femininewoman on February 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Ella you are the only one wearing your shoes so only you can know as you experiment what works for you. I totally understand what you are going through having been there myself setting boundaries and wavering around them. What I will say is that each time I have gotten stronger with them so I have allowed myself to fail and then go back. That way I build up my emotional strength and sobriety.



  111.  #111Prairie Girl on February 7, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    #80 Boomer I LOVE reading your profiles… I want to post mine and get some feedback on it in a min, but I’m trying to catch up on my reading as I’ve been away from the puter all day…

    PG



  112.  #112Lisi on February 7, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Brenda —

    I think I’ve had some similar experiences as you. You said that you’ve had long relationships with men in prison, and are setting a firm boundary now about married men….

    Boy — do I hear you!

    Instead of prison men, I chose gay men. My best friends in college were gay men. Perfect for closeness and companionship, but never sex. It is pretty common for gay men to have a female best friend who is secretly in love with them. I did that. We actually ended up having sex 3 times just before I moved away; he made that happen. I’m kinda flattered that, to this day, I’m the only woman he’s ever been with….

    I also had an affair with a married man when I was 25. It was my first real sexual relationship, and I’m glad that I finally opened up to sex through that relationship. However, it left my emotions out in the cold.

    It seems I have been ATTRACTED to unavailable men. I realize now that I chose that because I was unavailable. I chose relationships that could absolutely not go anywhere — because I was not ready.

    Once I took responsibility for BEING the unavailable one, things have begun to shift for me.

    Obviously, I’m still finding/feeling my way through this. I’m wondering if any of this resonates with you — or feels like a familiar path?

    Lisi



  113.  #113Femininewoman on February 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    “Remember. Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.” Found these words on Tinque’s blog. I made reference to something similar to Brenda but these words puts it eloquently.



  114.  #114Prairie Girl on February 7, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Boomer I really liked the first profile w/all the FM… I like it best I think…I love the way you use quirky bits from the things you love… It really gives a nice glimpse of your personality…

    I’m not experienced enough w/RR to give you input that way… Hopefully some of the wiser sirens will have some thoughts…

    While we’re on the subject here is mine… I tried to change some of the things that used to say “I want/like” to use feel…

    I am a mother first and foremost, but feel it would be wonderful for my kids to grow up seeing what a loving, affectionate, respectful, fun, supportive relationship looks like. So that they can believe it’s possible for them to have one.

    I feel I am a loving, loyal, honest person who will have your back when the world throws challenges your way, and also figure out a way to signal and let you know if you have something in your teeth.

    I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated.. and feel that kindness and respect are two of the most important things you can show those you love.

    So I guess having said all that I probably don’t have to add that liars, cheaters, dopers, drunks, or thieves need not apply… right?

    It would feel amazing to be with a man who is honest, affectionate (not afraid to hold my hand in public,) and a good kisser. A man who can talk about what he thinks, and feels, but can be kind and respectful while doing it. Someone I can feel safe sharing my heart with who’ll know I will never put him down or “hit below the belt”.

    It would feel nice to be with someone who can recognize and appreciate fully a very good woman when he gets to know her, because I am one who was not appreciated until I was gone.

    Whatcha think?
    PG



  115.  #115femenergylove on February 7, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    silence triggers me so much.a pivotal relationship went sour as the silence increased.TRIGGERED.sigh.
    breathe breathe…silence does not mean i am not loved.



  116.  #116femenergylove on February 7, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    emotions….i can be flying so high in one instant….and then sink low into the doldrums.ugh 🙁



  117.  #117tinque on February 7, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    SLV – on the gift giving, it depends. if it’s someone one doesn’t know at all or very well, if not in a relationship but maybe friends, if there is NO agenda, not even a thought about a somethin’, somethin’ down the road, then go for it.

    if it’s a long term, been together for a long time or even awhile but in a monogamous situation, then yes, go for it.

    if it’s a new or newish deal, not established, then you can’t help but have an agenda, so I would say no, no gift, no card.

    xxoo



  118.  #118tinque on February 7, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    femenergylove – yep, that’s how emotions work

    xxoo



  119.  #119Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    @114: Prairie Girl says:
    “…So I guess having said all that I probably don’t have to add that liars, cheaters, dopers, drunks, or thieves need not apply… right?
    … because I am one who was not appreciated until I was gone. Whatcha think?”

    After reading your profile I didn’t know very much about you except that you are a mother and you want a happy relationship with a man. I suspect from the two parts above that maybe you’ve been kicked around a little bit. 😥

    I think not so happy and a little desperate (wanting a relationship for your children’s sake)…

    PG, this is only my take on the profile IMHO.. I know you’re hot and fun because I’ve been reading your posts here 😀

    But the guys haven’t…

    Could you let us know more about your lifestyle? I think EMK refers to it as using fewer adjectives. Do your photos give a glimpse of your lifestyle so a guy would want to be in it?

    Yep, I’ve been reading that EMK online dating book, the one with all the dating profile examples in it…I got it at the library.

    xoxo
    SLV



  120.  #120Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    @117: tinque

    Re: Valentine’s Day cards and gifts. Yes, that’s what I’d do. 😀

    And I like cards and gifts so I’d expect a guy I was dating to give me one. If it were a newish guy, one of those little elementary school valentines would be cute and appreciated. I give bonus points for creativity. 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  121.  #121Prairie Girl on February 7, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Oooh SLV very interesting insight.. THANKS!

    I actually wrote it right after the relationship that broke my heart bad… My mom MADE me put up online profiles…

    I’ve looked at it since and couldn’t really come up w/anything in particular to change…

    I’ll have to look with what you said in mind… What is the name of EMK’s book btw? Maybe my little library will have it…

    I do have some good pics… Oneof me pointing at the camera and looling michievous (sp?), one of me on a horse and a couple of me w/my kids. One in the mountains on a boulder…

    Thank you again for that great reflection!

    PG



  122.  #122Prairie Girl on February 7, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I heard this song a bit ago… cracked me up..sounds like a CD anthem…lol

    It’s called “what the h#ll” by Avril Lavigne…

    “All my life I’ve been good, but now
    I, I, I, am thinking what the hell
    All I want is to mess around
    And I, I, I don’t really care about
    If you love me
    If you hate me
    You can’t save me
    Baby, baby
    All my life I’ve been good, but now
    Whoooooooa what the hell!

    What? What? What the hell

    So what? If I go out on a million dates? (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
    You never call or listen to me anyway (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
    I’d rather rage than sit around and wait all day (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
    Don’t get me wrong, I just need some time to play (e-yea)

    You’re on your knees, begging please, stay with me (?)
    But honestly I just need to be a little crazy (crazy! )”

    PG



  123.  #123Darling Ella on February 7, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    I love the post 🙂 We talked quite a bit on the other thread about boy and girl energy 🙂 I feel reassured I am on the right path 🙂



  124.  #124Boomer on February 7, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Prairie Girl…I feel warm and fuzzy toward you for trusting us with your profile too, and I really appreciate your putting it out here so I do not feel so vulnerable. Thanks! And I appreciate your feedback. I’ll consider changing my Match.com profile to be more like the other one.

    Great FMs! And I’ve never been brave enough to even hint at sexuality in my profiles (men seem capable of going there well enough on their own without my prompting), but I think the way you mention the good kissing is sweet and comes across just how you’re hoping it does…sincerely.

    I do feel a bit surprised at a couple of lines you have written however….

    “So I guess having said all that I probably don’t have to add that liars, cheaters, dopers, drunks, or thieves need not apply… right?”

    I read a good post on Evan Mark Katz’s site about focusing on the positive in profiles–on what you want rather than what you don’t want. Even in jest, I think your line could put some men on the defensive, like perhaps you’re looking to be disappointed. What do you think, PG??? Let me see if I can find that link….

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-you-say-in-your-profile-that-you-want-to-get-married/

    I used the insights from this article to trim my own profiles of any “don’t bother if….” tendencies.

    Also, PG, regarding this sentence:

    “It would feel nice to be with someone who can recognize and appreciate fully a very good woman when he gets to know her, because I am one who was not appreciated until I was gone.”

    Perhaps consider removing the part after the comma….my daddy’s one piece of good advice to me when I was a teen and exploring dating was to never tell a new guy anything hurtful that a past guy had done to me–that it just puts a target on my back and the new guy will think HE can get away with it too. I try really hard with new men I meet to not talk about my ex or share my past drama unless we get to know one another and the history is helpful/informative to the relationship.

    I sure hope you take my thoughts in the spirit in which they are intended, PG. I know online dating makes me feel very vulnerable sometimes, and I wonder “why am I doing this????” But I try to stay positive and true to myself and paint a picture of myself as different and fun but stable and warm. I hope I helped you!



  125.  #125Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    121: Prairie Girl says:

    “…I actually wrote it right after the relationship that broke my heart bad…”

    Aha! 😯

    “I do have some good pics… Oneof me pointing at the camera and looling michievous (sp?), one of me on a horse and a couple of me w/my kids. One in the mountains on a boulder…”

    See! Super! And the profile does not mention photography, horses, or any “adventuring”…only the hint about the “broken heart.”

    “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating”
    by Evan Marc Katz (2003)

    PG, I put up a handful of profile examples that were tweaked in the book to make them better. I don’t remember which thread…maybe couple weeks ago.

    xoxo
    SLV



  126.  #126Darling Ella on February 7, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    FW #43:

    I was one who expressed frustration reading Christian’s letters…:)

    Please don’t mind me…:) It was just an expression of my preference and my own triggers…

    I feel assured that other sirens would appreciate his insights 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  127.  #127Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    @122: Prairie Girl says:
    “I heard this song a bit ago… cracked me up..sounds like a CD anthem…lol”

    Yes, CD anthem! 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  128.  #128Darling Ella on February 7, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Boomer:

    Wow….I love both profiles write ups…I sincerely think you could promote a site/business to create profiles for others.

    Warm hugs,



  129.  #129Lisi on February 7, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Lisa T. —

    I am an Educational Therapist. I work with kids who have learning problems.

    Contact me at qu19tum@gmail.com if you would like to talk about a number of things that can help.

    Please write me at length about his symptoms and what the school has said, and I can give you advice specific to that.

    Lisi



  130.  #130Boomer on February 7, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Darling E., what about Christian triggers you? Because I feel the same.

    Here’s my issue: I guess I feel weird hearing this stuff from a dude–like he’s not REALLY telling me the real scoop and is setting me up so he and his buddies can laugh at me when I do something stupid.

    Like what Mike Vollmer did to me in high school…haha, I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was so humiliated when he told me that Dan Kylie thought I was hot and that when they dropped me off, I should say, “Oliver!” (as in “au revoir” because it was an inside joke and Dan would think I was funny and “in the know”)…well, like the little, naive, tiny thing I was, I did it, and they all just laughed at me like I was an idiot!

    When I read or listen to Christian, I feel like he’s trying to get me to say “Oliver!”



  131.  #131Daria on February 7, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Ugh I don’t want to get physically I’ll in the presence of them I feel angry at my mom.

    I felt some intense heartbreak and cried looking at my relationship with guywho

    I trusted him more than my parents and he left me and it hurt

    I left him

    I didn’t know how to tryst me

    I just want to Feel it was a good thing I ‘lost’ him – reframe somehow

    I feel overwhelmed and I still Feel it as a horribly painful bad thing

    Heartbreak

    Help how do I heal it again Rori how did u reframe past heartbreaks.



  132.  #132Darling Ella on February 7, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Boomer:

    In the prior blog, a few of us had a bit of discussion about it 🙂 U can search using ctrl F feature – and then type in the search engine his name christian or CC…and find what we talked about…

    But in short, I totally conquer with your view…

    Warm hugs,



  133.  #133Blessed on February 7, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I find Rori’s website 2 nights ago and have been reading the blog with every free moment I have. Just seeing and knowing that I am not the only one out there hurting has helped alot. Thank you to all who shared your pain and success. It lets me know I will survive these days of pain, helplessness and tears. It also gives me hope that Rori’s programs work. I’ve working with their helpdesk on how to pay for the ebook via Paypal.

    A quick introduction about myself.

    I’ve been in a r/s for the past 5 years. After a year of intense courtship, probably the happiest in my life, we had a tough year 2. Then things got better, or rather I thought things got better. I see him 4 to 6 times a week. In the last quarter of 2010, we had one major fall out. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m feeling too raw to share that.

    We patched things up ( or so I thought ). He called after going silent a few days and acted as if nothing was wrong. Things were abit tense but we were still talking/smsing daily and seeing each other at least 4x a week. On my part, I had bought a r/s self help book from Amazon.

    Last Thurs, we had a fall out. After sending me a message asking me to help him with something, he had not contacted me for a day. When he finally did, it was an sms to say he had a great time with his guy friends. I felt so hurt and neglected as Thursday was Chinese New Year.

    I sent him one nasty sms asking him to call on his buddies for help in the future since I was obviously not important enough to him. He called back but I was angry ( and stupid…) and refused to take the call. I missed his call the next day (friday) and sms him. We had a short talk on the phone that set fear and pain in my heart. He told me that he was trying but things aren’t working and that we would talk about it on Sunday.

    On Saturday, he called me at noon. A short conversation where i tried to sound happy and positive. He told me about his plans for the night (his sis was in town and they had a family gathering). Saturday night, he sent me a couple of SMS after the dinner, telling me how wonderful his niece was and then ended by saying he was tired and wanted to relax and bath. I responded nicely and did not bug him.

    Sunday came and left. He did not call or sms. I was expecting a call as he did say he wanted to talk on Sunday. At night, I gave him one call and no one picked up. On Monday, I sent him 1 sms regarding a financial and he replied, but that was it. I gave in and called him last night but he didn’t pick up.

    Please, I am hurting so much and not knowing what to think or feel anymore. On Saturday, he even told me he was converting an old tv serial that I love for me to watch. ( i never asked, he just brought it up in the short 5 mins telephone conversation we had). Even just 2 weeks ago, he was telling me happily that he had bought a lovely gift for me that I was sure to love.

    I don’t know what has gone so terribly wrong. I don’t know what to think. One minute, I am hopeful that he will call me and everything will be ok ( just like before ). The next, I feel so terrified that this is the end, that we won’t have a chance to work on it.

    I am trying so hard to be calm. On Monday, I was able to focus on work and not cry or panic too much until I got to the safety of my home. Today, I just can’t concentrate at work.

    I love him. I walked out of a r/s with financial security to be with him. please please please help me.



  134.  #134Daria on February 7, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Pg I’m kinda w Slv here… It has a bit of a hopeless low expectation vibe – hold my hand in public? Really??? That’s the big deal?

    What kinda low boundaries dies this woman have to have bern hanging around men who don’t do that enough to put it on a profile …

    That’s my judgment pretending I’m a man.

    On the other hand , you also seem kind and sweet

    Soo the two above combined..,kinda maybe doormatty –
    But loving, good woman.

    ****

    Your first two feel messages were thoughts, replace with I think.

    May e take each sentence and transfo into an I feel I don’t want, using the feeling chart…

    I feel it would be wonderful is really I think it would be

    It would feel wonderful to have my kids grow up – fm

    Maybe not so big but taken together true feeling messages soften the vibe and show self esteem.



  135.  #135blessed on February 7, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I find Rori’s website 2 nights ago and have been reading the blog with every free moment I have. Just seeing and knowing that I am not the only one out there hurting has helped alot. Thank you to all who shared your pain and success. It lets me know I will survive these days of pain, helplessness and tears. It also gives me hope that Rori’s programs work. I’ve working with their helpdesk on how to pay for the ebook via Paypal.

    A quick introduction about myself.

    I’ve been in a r/s for the past 5 years. After a year of intense courtship, probably the happiest in my life, we had a tough year 2. Then things got better, or rather I thought things got better. I see him 4 to 6 times a week. In the last quarter of 2010, we had one major fall out. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m feeling too raw to share that.

    We patched things up ( or so I thought ). He called after going silent a few days and acted as if nothing was wrong. Things were abit tense but we were still talking/smsing daily and seeing each other at least 4x a week. On my part, I had bought a r/s self help book from Amazon.



  136.  #136blessed on February 7, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    testing…



  137.  #137blessed on February 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Hi Ladies, i’m so sorry but i can’t seem to be able to post more than a one liner. Can anyone help me?



  138.  #138blessed on February 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    pls help, i don’t seem to be able to post anything other than testing.



  139.  #139Prairie Girl on February 7, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Oh man you guys those were AWESOME tips/feedbacks!!!!

    THANK YOU so MUCH!!

    Boomer I thought your feedback was great. I’m gonna go check that link…

    Wow you had so many great tips! Interesting what your dad said… I never thought of it THAT way… OMG… I agree w/DE you could go into business w/the profile thing…

    SLV I’ll go look and see if I can find your posts… I had several days last week when my puter was down that I missed a lot of posts here..

    You are so intuitive. Amazing feedback …

    Daria you are right on w/the think/feel.. I originally had them as thinks…

    It’s funny about the hand holding… it WAS a big deal w/my ex-husb… he wouldn’t even hold itin the car w/out acting like it was a chore…

    It is something I’ve seen posted alot by guys on the cowboy sites…. that they want a woman who will hold hands… It never occured to me that you’re telling the neg about what happened to you the way Boomer talked about…

    You guys have given me a LOT to think about. I hope to get my puter back tomorrow (I’m on a borrowed one) and rewrite with this in mind when I get a word program…

    Angels on your bodies.
    PG



  140.  #140Lisa T on February 7, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Femininewoman

    Well I have a lot of years invested with this man, Yes I probably should cut him loose. I really want to things to work out with this man. But my son does come first. So at this time I will put my time and energy in to working with my son on his education. But I have not contacted this man except for seeing him in church. I guess he wants his time to heal, but he says he has told both of us to not wait on him and if someone else comes along to date them and not wait on him. Well I told him that this past weekend that I would take up offers. So in a nut shell with me dating someone else I am assuming that this is leaning back and not calling/texting him. Is this correct. and then if I see him in church, should I let him be the one to start the conversation and act like I am doing totally wonderful? Because it still hurts seeing him. And I want it to work between us and he doesn’t want to give up on us either, but his issues lately is that he thinks he want children, that I can’t give him. So I guess I decided to wait on him and see other people and when the time comes I get kicked in the teeth and again and go on. This is all new to me. My other alternative is to go to another church if that has to be the leaning back part. I really don’t know what to do on this. yes I try not to thinking about this other babe. of course to be ugly I have better names for her like the “Pole Dancer”. Too me that is too much energy being absorbed in to something I can’t change. So what would the other woman do? As far as seeing him in public, I guess that is my question.

    Please share I am open for suggestions.



  141.  #141Lisi on February 7, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Lisa T —

    Remember that when you’re CD-ing, you neither have to open or close the doors.

    If you see him at church, and he approaches, you accept his attention and receive. You can use feeling messages, and be in your female energy space.

    If he asks you out, you can go. You can also see as many other men as you want.

    That way, you’re not at home thinking about HIM, but you’re on the bridge to your Forever Guy — whether it’s him or not.

    Lisi



  142.  #142Senior Lady Vibe on February 7, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    I was scouting CL as I often do. Something weird I noticed, now I’ll look for it more often out of curiosity.

    In Men seeking Women, guys age 35-42 seem to be missing… Where are they? Maybe this is just a fluke for today. It’s very odd looking. I looked at a few pages…

    Is there some 35-42 year olds international convention today? LOL 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  143.  #143Lisa T on February 7, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Lisi

    Ok, now I starting to feel what I should do. I know that this Monday is the big Valentines day and I wonder if, why should I wonder because I know he won’t get me anything. But I’m sure getting him a Valentines card should be out of the question. This would be crossing my bounderies. For so long I was such a tough ole broad carrying the world on my shoulders and then raising my son by myself and then controlling our relationship and not knowing it. so now I have seen what I have done and want to repair it. Stepping back would be the only thing to do. Now I feel like such a week person and I know I have to be strong. It is hard keeping the inside strong and showing softness on the outside. I’m tired of being the leader, I want to follow.

    But I have to be strong for my son, the poor child has ADD and know it is listed and ADHD. Junior in High School with a 4th grade level of reading. What happen to the school system helping out. So I feel like the world is crumbling.

    Self esteem please come and get me……..

    Lisi, I did see your email address. I will be in touch. Anything can help.



  144.  #144Lisi on February 7, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Here’s my current profile essay. Please feel free to critique. Make me better, SIRENS!!!!

    ********************************************

    I speak 3 languages, yet none of them is Spanish.

    I earned my degree in History, yet made my reputation in number theory.

    I am amused by the ironies in life.

    Like being a fit, pretty, successful entrepreneur and being single.

    My life is filled with simple pleasures — from my 8 year old child to my love of animals. Living in the present brings me joy.

    I enjoy a man who knows how to give, enjoys a heart-felt connection with a woman, and who needs his own independence.

    I feel stimulated by an intellectual relationship, but feel complete when I have a strong emotional connection.

    I love to be with a man who knows who he is and is open to the uncertainty of the future.



  145.  #145Pamelala on February 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Ugh, all these forward leaning girls on the bachelor drive me crazy. Makes me wanna go get my man and make out…of course, I know that that will be followed by a crazy, negative fallout. 🙁



  146.  #146Lisi on February 7, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    I have been thinking about “leaning back.”

    My friends and I have been discussing this phenomenon for years, and have labelled it “the principal of least interest.”

    In a romantic relationship, the one who is less interested is in control. This is true regardless of gender.

    Some relationships are way out of whack — with one person chasing, and the other person withholding all the time.

    Others are more balanced — a give and take.

    I know in my relationship with my ex, he totally had the principal of least interest in the beginning. As we moved on, it was me who broke up with him — me who stepped back more than once. Ultimately, it was me who started CD-ing.

    The whole thing broke down over his anger about my other relationship. I wonder if he couldn’t handle a more balanced relationship? Maybe he was only comfortable when he was leaning back, and I never knew whether he was in or out?

    At any rate, a guy who holds back is more alluring than one who just drops everything and chases. A person who chases hard (whether male or female) comes off as a “low value target.”

    I have no interest in men who haven’t got their lives together, have little self-confidence, and who fall for me immediately. Actually, I expect that type will fall right away.

    But, there are 4 that I can think of I’ve met/dated in the past several years. All were, in my opinion — husband quality — good jobs, lives together — “catches.” None really pursued me. I slept with one, and then he decided to date someone else.

    I think what I’m trying to work out is getting to a point where I have a high enough self-esteem and feel attractive enough to get a guy of the quality those 4 were.

    What do y’all think / feel?



  147.  #147life_is_too_short_to... on February 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    @143 Lisi

    a quote from
    Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)

    Connor Mead (Matthew McConaghey):

    Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn’t happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less…



  148.  #148Pamelala on February 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    I finally formulated a response to Mr. Form Letter. I felt nervous sending it, but am interested to see if he’ll choose to step up. This is what I wrote:

    “It feels kind of weird to get an initial e-mail that reads like a form letter. When I’m left wondering if you’ve sent that same e-mail to 100 women, I feel turned off. I like to feel special, I’m a girl after all – that’s how we’re wired. Was there something in my profile that caught your eye?

    Maybe we can start again…what do you think?”

    Eeehhh, honestly, I don’t anticipate hearing from him again. If I do, I’ll be surprised and he’ll get an extra point or two. Hope he can come up with something creative.



  149.  #149blessed on February 7, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I find Rori’s website 2 nights ago and have been reading the blog with every free moment I have. Just seeing and knowing that I am not the only one out there hurting has helped alot. Thank you to all who shared your pain and success. It lets me know I will survive these days of pain, helplessness and tears. It also gives me hope that Rori’s programs work. I’ve working with their helpdesk on how to pay for the ebook via Paypal.

    A quick introduction about myself.

    I’ve been in a r/s for the past 5 years. After a year of intense courtship, probably the happiest in my life, we had a tough year 2. Then things got better, or rather I thought things got better. I see him 4 to 6 times a week. In the last quarter of 2010, we had one major fall out. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m feeling too raw to share that.

    We patched things up ( or so I thought ). He called after going silent a few days and acted as if nothing was wrong. Things were abit tense but we were still talking/smsing daily and seeing each other at least 4x a week. On my part, I had bought a r/s self help book from Amazon.

    Last Thurs, we had a fall out. After sending me a message asking me to help him with something, he had not contacted me for a day. When he finally did, it was an sms to say he had a great time with his guy friends. I felt so hurt and neglected as Thursday was Chinese New Year.

    I sent him one nasty sms asking him to call on his buddies for help in the future since I was obviously not important enough to him. He called back but I was angry ( and stupid…) and refused to take the call. I missed his call the next day (friday) and sms him. We had a short talk on the phone that set fear and pain in my heart. He told me that he was trying but things aren’t working and that we would talk about it on Sunday.

    On Saturday, he called me at noon. A short conversation where i tried to sound happy and positive. He told me about his plans for the night (his sis was in town and they had a family gathering). Saturday night, he sent me a couple of SMS after the dinner, telling me how wonderful his niece was and then ended by saying he was tired and wanted to relax and bath. I responded nicely and did not bug him.

    Sunday came and left. He did not call or sms. I was expecting a call as he did say he wanted to talk on Sunday. At night, I gave him one call and no one picked up. On Monday, I sent him 1 sms regarding a financial and he replied, but that was it. I gave in and called him last night but he didn’t pick up.

    Please, I am hurting so much and not knowing what to think or feel anymore. On Saturday, he even told me he was converting an old tv serial that I love for me to watch. ( i never asked, he just brought it up in the short 5 mins telephone conversation we had). Even just 2 weeks ago, he was telling me happily that he had bought a lovely gift for me that I was sure to love.

    I don’t know what has gone so terribly wrong. I don’t know what to think. One minute, I am hopeful that he will call me and everything will be ok ( just like before ). The next, I feel so terrified that this is the end, that we won’t have a chance to work on it.

    I am trying so hard to be calm. On Monday, I was able to focus on work and not cry or panic too much until I got to the safety of my home. Today, I just can’t concentrate at work.

    I love him. please please please help me.



  150.  #150Pamelala on February 7, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Where oh where have the Sirens gone, oh where oh where can they be? 🙂

    Miss y’all. I feel like I missed out on so much today. I hope to catch up tomorrow.



  151.  #151SummerBaby on February 7, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Lisi,

    what I don’t understand from your profile is why you say none of them is spanish – it almost sounds like a prejudice to me.

    I think it would be fun to say, It would be fun to flirt with you in any of the three languages I am fluent in: (list the languages.)

    You also say that you enjoy being single. I probably would leave that out as what I read from your profile is that you are extremely intelligent and it almost sounds as if you aren’t interested in dating at all.

    I would love to see you infuse a little fun into your profile.

    Summerbaby



  152.  #152SummerBaby on February 7, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Hi pamelala,

    I’m here for a bit, I went to bed early and just woke up. I like your reply to Mr. Form Letter, will be interesting to see what he says.

    I had a dialog with Mr. Can’t Start a Conversation.
    I got tired of replying. I can’t figure out if he’s that dull, or just expects me to lead in everything. I fed him a pile of questions in the beginning to stimulate conversation, but he just answered the bare minimum and didn’t offer anything for me to converse with after an email or two so I gave up.

    Summerbaby



  153.  #153Katarina Phang on February 7, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Josie, I’ve been in a long distance non-exclusive relationship with a man for 5 months now. I see him 7-10 days each month. It works out fine because I have a flexible schedule.

    When I’m not with him, I NEVER call him, and only text sparingly -at times I respond to his text a few hours/a day later. He will call perhaps once or twice a week, emails/texts more often but in general I’m used to not being in touch that much with him and I’m truly busy so it doesn’t bother me that much.

    However, when we are together we’re having a blast each and every time. And he shows all the love and affection I need.

    I don’t give/do more than he does, that’s my principle. I don’t want to feel shortchanged/depleted and that gives him the message that he needs to step up his game to be with me ’cause I won’t do it for him.

    We’re not ready to be exclusive, neither do I want to at this point -not until he’s willing to give me what I want. However, I did tell him that soon enough I’d want him to stop dating other people simply because I’m confident he’ll get all he needs from me (it doesn’t mean I want to stop dating though 🙂 ).



  154.  #154SummerBaby on February 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    My dating profile:

    Music is great… from learning to play a new piece on the keyboard, to cranking some tunes to make a boring task fun, it is a wonderful aspect of life. I enjoy classic rock, and have some fairly eclectic tastes in addition. I like positive thinking. I enjoy being in nature, good company, good food, and appreciating simple pleasures moment by moment. Winter is not my best season, but am willing to try cross country skiing and/or snowshoeing to see if I can make it more appealing.

    I enjoy dancing – many types and continue to learn new ones with classes or videos. I like live music and concerts, theater, cinema, museums, and people watching. My humor is sometimes corny, sometimes twisted; I like humor that is generally uplifting. Love a good pun. Looking for enough in common to feel a connection and enough differences to keep conversation interesting.

    I have a number of hobbies that I follow pretty avidly and they keep me busy and happy. I enjoy cooking at times. I like to keep fit. I love to travel and learn about new things and places. I will research some new thing that interests me just for the fun of the discovery process. I love people and good conversation.

    We can start off with a cup of coffee or a drink depending on when we meet to help spark off some good conversation in a relaxed atmosphere. Hopefully your sense of humor will shine through along with your intelligence and wit.

    Summerbaby



  155.  #155Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Boomer,

    RE: #80 – I love the energy I feel in your profiles! I love your creativity! Your personality comes thru! You come across as fun and upbeat.

    It’s refreshing after so many profiles are humdrum, boring, and predictable. Or, worse yet, negative.



  156.  #156Brenda on February 7, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Lisi,

    RE: #112 – “Instead of prison men, I chose gay men.”

    Yep, been there, done that! Been in love with a married man, too. It took me years to be aware of how I kept choosing men who were not available.



  157.  #157Boomer on February 7, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Lisi, as a fellow brainy chick, I will say that your profile reads like mine used to….my accomplishments, how smart I was, how articulate and and capable and controlled I was. I wanted to be taken seriously!!! Admired!!! Seen as a woman of substance!!!

    Then an old guy friend from high school days came across my profile on OKCupid and asked me how the dating was going. When I said, “Not so hot,” he said, “NO WONDER, honey! Lighten up!” He said I was too intense and that the profile had no sense of the whimsy and femininity and side-splitting humor he knew I possessed in spades.

    I won’t tell you to “lighten up,” Lisi, but I might suggest a Rori-ism…get out of your head and sink into your heart and then write your profile. What are you passionate about? Talk about those things. How do you FEEL about your job (what guy really cares about “your professional reputation?”) What does your best friend say about you? What are your endearing little quirks (I like to say “I am NOT a morning person!”)?

    Also, I think a good profile writing strategy is to avoid saying exactly what you are like (e.g., “I am smart and sassy and kind”) and rather demonstrate it with examples and quips that let the guy invest in your story and decide for himself what you are. (I mean, how many guys’ profiles have you read that say “I have a good sense of humor,” yet all they do is list that they like fishin’ and campin’ and scratchin’ and then claim to “live life to the fullest??” And there’s nothing humorous about their profile at all??)

    If you ARE funny, them demonstrate it with a cute and quirky story. Let the reader say to himself, “Wow, this woman’s hilarious” if that’s something you want to convey about yourself. If you want potential suitors to know you are kind and compassionate, talk about your work at the local animal shelter scrubbing puppies.

    Keep in mind too, that the meta data (the little checkboxes and sidebars) convey the details: your education, your height, hair color, etc., so I would not commit any free-form writing space to those details.

    And I hear from lots of men that they like that I actually write more than a few lines–that I seem generous and open and confident because I actually give of myself in the profile rather than play it safe with non-sequiters and cliches and the same old tired lines (“I look at life as a glass half-full!” Blah!)

    Take chance, Lisi!



  158.  #158Jacqueline on February 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Katarina!! Dahling – so great to see you and I just want to say your facebook questions are so RIGHT on and authentic and not all politically correct – it’s just cool and it’s good to see you here!

    Brenda – have you ever done any googling on “polite” etiquette sharing stuff? It’s interesting and I think it is at the heart of your question – how do you be authentic without making yourself or anyone else uncomfortable? There are lots of social rules that actually can be useful there – one that comes to mind is not sharing something with someone something that would discomfort them; and then there are degrees of appropriateness depending on your relationship with the person – like with Lucy, with me and with the person at the bus stop. It’s an art and it’s something worth perfecting, I feel.

    And I got it that you felt jabbed at asking for attention, I would have felt that way, too – just MY mirror and triggers, even if Daria had nothing to do with it.

    Something about being brought up with huge rewards for being silent, and a lot of rage when I wasn’t….

    anyway, I realized a while ago that social niceties have a very definite use and place and were not bullsh***! but were TOOLS that we can use to make those we are communicating with more comfortable!

    Hope this feels good to you –

    and hugs to everyone!

    Nite,
    J



  159.  #159Jacqueline on February 7, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    RE: #144 Life, that is BRILLIANT!!!

    my friend used to say in every relationship one is held and one does the holding….but that is so much better!!

    And just a shout out to say hello, been awhile and I’m glad you’re here!

    J



  160.  #160Deb on February 7, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Arg, I am SO frustrated… how do these serial monogamists do it??

    My friend just had a big break up a month or two ago and she just tells me that she has been going out with a new awesome guy for like month already! and its getting serious!

    I hate feeling jealous. I am happy for her of course, but I am just so frustrated at myself for not being able to do this!

    I’m either dating someone who I’m really not attracted to, but they treat me well enough, or way hot guys that don’t care 🙁

    We went out dancing tonight and I was meeting some cuties, but after she told me that I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my sails 🙁 Maybe it affected my vibe because no one asked for my number…

    Someone please tell me not to give up…



  161.  #161Deb on February 7, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    …and I found out that Shag had been looking at rings! geeeezzzz!!!

    I feel flattered and then I feel sick.

    Like – isn’t that what I want? Yeah, but not with HIM!

    My friends are saying that he is a little psycho for interpreting things as that serious.

    He didn’t listen to me many times – like he heard what he wanted to hear and forgot everything else – like my discomfort about certain things. So I could never really feel like myself around him. We definitely had lots of good times, but after a couple hours I always wanted him to go away.

    Sorry for the bad mood, ladies, this just sucks and I gotta work through it…



  162.  #162SummerBaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    Boomer, you definitely have the way of it with the profiles. Mine was written in about 5 minutes and it shows. It needs serious work, but I just don’t have the time for it right now and I’m okay with that.

    I am focusing on other issues – like finances and survival. That must be why I’m awake at 2:15 am and stressing over moolah and business. Ack!

    Anyway, I love your profile Boomer, it’s an inspiration.

    Summerbaby



  163.  #163SummerBaby on February 7, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Deb,

    Take a deep breath! I have been where you are and you know what? I looked at the relationships of the people I was jealous of and in almost every case I was no longer jealous! Some of them are seriously settling. When you look at what they are putting up with in order to be in a relationship just to say they have somebody, well frankly, I would prefer being single.

    We want and deserve more and it’s going to take a little bit of time to wait for that to appear.

    Focus on what you want. Breathe!

    Hugs,
    Summerbaby



  164.  #164Andi on February 8, 2011 at 1:01 am

    I kind of want to shut down and not be involved with/go out/circular date/be with anyone.

    It’s too hard and my needs are too great.



  165.  #165Andi on February 8, 2011 at 1:03 am

    Focus on what you want. Breathe!

    ***

    I know this was for Deb but it applies to me too.

    I need to focus on what I want.



  166.  #166archerie on February 8, 2011 at 1:41 am

    Lisa T , Hi,

    “I told him I was willing to wait for him and if someone asked me out I would take up that opportunity. There he went again, keep the communication up so I couldn’t see anyone else.”

    To me this looks like the crux of the issue . You being “willing to wait for him” = total Cling Factor .

    To me it feels yukky ick , now I have been Rori’ised .

    You are putting yourself SECOND , you are then telling him that you are second and BLAMING him (not directly but implied) for you being second.

    Its like giving HIM the gift of your time and availability BEFORE ANYONE OR THING else and then getting hurt and p***ed because he doesnt take you up on your availability or offer you his in return!!!!

    You then saw it as HIS FAULT that you didnt see somneone else in this time.

    A Siren would leap on her horse throw him on the back and gallop off to the relationship she wants. That is , where he offers his time and availability to her and she accepts it or declines. She is meanwhile BUSY and she does what suits HER. She never waits around pining JUST IN CASE he calls .

    When he sees her busy and bright and happy again , he usually realises she is no longer clingy and maybe he comes after her offering it all, and by then , often she found someone better !!!!!



  167.  #167Andi on February 8, 2011 at 1:50 am

    I don’t know how to fix myself.



  168.  #168Andi on February 8, 2011 at 1:54 am

    I can’t sleep



  169.  #169archerie on February 8, 2011 at 2:08 am

    Ok , i am not meaning to sound cycnical .
    I dont feel cynical.

    I feel tired. i am back at work , part time only , and I have done a little dating.

    One of those reinvented CD’s , who I hadnt seen in years (and had rather a ‘hot” fling with in the past ).He emailed and suggested a meeting , i said Sun night or Monday might suit.He didnt call so i made plans with friends for Sunday . He texted Sun afternoon .I said I had made other plans . He didnt dare complain .I just leaned back ,and he eventually got the message . We met for drinks Monday (which he bought). Then he invited me for dinner next week .

    I feel unenthusiastic. In the past i would have canceled . But i am ‘practicing ” . He talked a lot and I was nearly working up to ” i feel drained after all this listening!!! ” But he stopped… so dinner will happen , friends only . I am not feeling attraction.

    Hmmm. I am busy being busy . I have been out with friends quite a bit (we ate huge chili crabs to celebrate Chinese new year!) and to the movies , and in the absence of lots of dates I am dating myself .

    I have lots of men from far away emailing me and it doesnt feel “real” for me . One may come and visit from 3 hours flight away. He sounds lovely but I doubt he can give me the “real”ationship I want.

    I really do get that now.
    I feel empowered.

    I also feel disfigured and very fearful of a man wanting to see my body with its abundant scars and missing bits.

    I dont know how to get past that one.

    I



  170.  #170archerie on February 8, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Andi ,

    I hope you can have a resting time now when you dont have to shut down , you just kind of rest yourself in a warm downy cocoon , give yourself a big warm hug!

    You dont have to think , or plan or date or do or be or ANYTHING, just have a Sensuous Siren Sleep ……..



  171.  #171Andi on February 8, 2011 at 3:18 am

    Thank you Archerie….I hope I will be able to do that at some point….still working on the hugs….

    Have a great day…

    Andi



  172.  #172SummerBaby on February 8, 2011 at 4:26 am

    Hey Andi,

    I had a devil of a time sleeping as well.

    Summerbaby



  173.  #173Kristine on February 8, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Hello Sirens..Well leaning back is the best I ever have done for myself and my children! We as women want to be loved, nurtured, and shown attention. There is no reason we cannot have all of that. Of course noone is perfect but if you lean back and love yourself Mr.Right whomever he may be will come because we are all sexy and amazing in our own way but if we stop our lives for someone and are waiting for them to give us what we want we become so unattractive. So I say stay in control, love yourself, keep your power and focus on your needs…Cannot go wrong!!



  174.  #174Katarina Phang on February 8, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Jacqueline, dahling…so good to see you again! How’s life? And thanks for noticing me. 🙂



  175.  #175Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:32 am

    @147 Summerbaby–

    The “none of them is Spanish” is a local reference. Where I live is 60% hispanic, and not speaking that language is ironic at the least, if not a downright handicap.



  176.  #176Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Lisi – it triggered me to think ‘racism’ too

    Maybe that can be reworded to ironically, unfortunately, surprisingly…



  177.  #177Andi on February 8, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Hi SummerBaby…sorry to hear you couldn’t sleep well either! Hope your day goes well. I am feeling better, must be the adrenaline kicking in!



  178.  #178Andi on February 8, 2011 at 6:39 am

    169: Kristine says:
    Hello Sirens..Well leaning back is the best I ever have done for myself and my children! We as women want to be loved, nurtured, and shown attention. There is no reason we cannot have all of that. Of course noone is perfect but if you lean back and love yourself Mr.Right whomever he may be will come because we are all sexy and amazing in our own way but if we stop our lives for someone and are waiting for them to give us what we want we become so unattractive. So I say stay in control, love yourself, keep your power and focus on your needs…Cannot go wrong!!

    Tuesday, 8 February 2011 @ 5:54am

    Yes Kristine, I agree!!!!



  179.  #179Andi on February 8, 2011 at 6:40 am

    Hi Lori – I have been away for a while…I am wondering how you are doing and how your date went last week…?



  180.  #180Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 6:49 am

    OMG Boomer #153 I spewed coffee out my nose I laughed so hard…

    “(I mean, how many guys’ profiles have you read that say “I have a good sense of humor,” yet all they do is list that they like fishin’ and campin’ and scratchin’ and then claim to “live life to the fullest??”

    Thanks, I needed that…lmao!
    PG



  181.  #181Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Boomer (is that a Battlestar Galactica reference?)

    I actually thought I did pretty well using FM’s in my profile.

    It’s not as much that I want to be admired for my accomplishments, as that I want a man who can keep up.

    If he reads my profile & was intimidated – he’s not for me, anyway.

    I find average guys a turn off.

    I’ll rework it & post again….



  182.  #182Lori on February 8, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Andi,

    It went great! I posted the whole story under the last post. How’s your tall dark and handsome man treating you? : )



  183.  #183Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Oh, Lisi, I did not mean to offend or upset you. I feel anxious thinking I might have irritated you with my response. I know exactly what you mean about “guys keeping up.” I need that too. And where I live, there are many more of the campin’ and scratchin’ variety than the PhD variety of men.

    I think what I was trying to convey to you was that rather than overtly spelling out that you are intelligent and accomplished (which you clearly ARE!), find engaging ways to let the men who read your profile come to the conclusion themselves that you are those things. I’m sensing that you are a talented and thoughtful writer…let your words paint a picture of intelligence, depth, passion…whatever it is that you are!

    Only love coming fro my camp, Lisi! And if you do not want to rewrite your profile, then do not just because some brassy, opinionated women with her own issues on a dating blog told you to!

    Seriously…Mwah!!!



  184.  #184Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

    @171: Lisi says:
    “..The “none of them is Spanish” is a local reference. Where I live is 60% hispanic, and not speaking that language is ironic at the least, if not a downright handicap…”

    The irony was not apparent, at least from my end. But if you wanted to rule out guys of Spanish-speaking ancestry, that might do it…and some other guys who also didn’t see the irony either and might be thinking of how a woman would raise their children… I don’t know your age or if you want children so this second filter might not matter.

    xoxo
    SLV



  185.  #185Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:13 am

    Lisi, also…yes! “Boomer” is a BSG reference. I think the reboot on SyFy was THE BEST TV show of all time, running neck and neck with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I am a major sci-fi nerd.)

    I love the Sharon Valerii character – what power to actually be a Cylon and not know it. I loved that she chose her Cylon family over the humans ocne she figured it out and reveled in her power. Of course, I’m a huge Starbuck fan too, even though she was totally frakked in the head, and I suspect I was her in a past (or future???) life 😉

    I feel so jazzed and excited that you knew the reference and that I could geek out on here with someone!!! Thanks!!!



  186.  #186Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:22 am

    I awoke feeling grumpy and sullen and hopeless today. Just feeling the weight of single motherhood and being alone, the semi-emptiness of random dates, and the real emptiness of random sex, and missing my deceased parents…ruminating on connecting with old friends and feeling sad for the lost years, feeling sad for my best friend who is in crisis and who exhausts me (and I feel guilty for not being able to be all she needs or wants me to be). I was just feeling “meh” and did not want to come into work or deal with the kids this morning.

    But then on the drive in to the office today, I turned the radio dial and came upon Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me,” and so I car danced the rest of the way into work. And I felt better. More hopeful.

    And then I got in here, and there was positive feedback to some of my posts, and I felt warm and empowered 🙂 And then Lisi knew my Battlestar Galactica reference, and I got to geek out over it, and now I feel absolutely joyous and indomitable!

    Yay me!!!

    Thanks, everyone! Now I can face my boring day of spreadsheets and meetings with conservative men who drone on and on about market share and negative cash flow and sales pipelines…

    Thank you!



  187.  #187Lori on February 8, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Boomer,

    I tweaked my profile to be more flowy and fun. I liked mine before, but after reading yours I realized mine felt more masculine in contrast. I now have the word “feel” in mine numerous times. Thanks so much for sharing yours!

    Where I’m from, we have alot more of the campin’ and scratchin’ types as well, so I feel your pain!



  188.  #188Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 7:31 am

    I think I’ll do a little EMK blog post reading today; I just checked out the link posted on this thread, As I read it EMK says we should not put our marriage plans in our profiles. That makes sense; we’ll find out where guys’s heads are anyway.

    And…some guys don’t know they want to get married until they are struck by lightning… 😆 I can see a lightning rod in my future. 😀

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-you-say-in-your-profile-that-you-want-to-get-married/

    EMK quotes:
    “So for your rule of thumb…

    Don’t say what you don’t want. Say what you DO want. Find the positive. Always.

    If you have been with fiscally irresponsible men in the past, say, “I want a guy who knows how to balance a checkbook – even if it’s online.”

    If you have a past with abusive men, say, “Chivalry and kindness are the keys to my heart.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  189.  #189Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Yes, SLV, I use the “chivalry and kindness” line in every profile, and the quality of men I have attracted has shot WAYYYY up! They seem kinder, they seem more thoughtful…and I think it triggers them to want to “take care of me” and they don’t even know why. All without having to say that my ex was a tool, poor me, I’m a victim! It’s VERY Siren-y!



  190.  #190Lori on February 8, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Sirens,

    I need advice. 11YearsAgoGuy came into my work last night and I took a break and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I know Rori says we’re not supposed to look for closure, but what if we find it anyway? He looked great, the conversation went well and I felt only positive feelings towards him and felt a profound sense of closure. I felt free and happy and like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

    The problem is, I had already agreed to go on a date with him this coming Thursday to see if there was a test or message for me, but now I don’t really feel it’s necessary. And he is burning up my phone now and has already asked me to have lunch with him before our date Thursday. He was practically salivating over me last night!

    I know we’re supposed to CD everyone that asks, but am I really supposed to add this man to my CD rotation just because he is stepping up and pursuing me so hard? I really don’t feel my happily ever after will be with one of my exes who once let me go, and I have this profound feeling that he has already served his purpose, so what do I do?



  191.  #191Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Lori…I say follow your instincts!



  192.  #192Lori on February 8, 2011 at 7:49 am

    I added “consistency” to the chivalry and kindness line since I’ve recently come to realize how extremely important this is to me. I’ve also added a paragraph about the messaging at the end. here is the last paragraph of my profile. I’d be happy to post the entire profile, newly tweaked Boomer style, but it’s rather long, so I won’t do it unless someone asks.

    “I feel I can be shy at first, and although I’m wrapped in modern packaging, I’m an old fashioned Southern girl at heart. I feel happy when the man does the initial contact, calling etc. So I don’t feel comfortable responding to winks, emailing a man first or calling a man if he leaves his number in a message. I’ve been told that sometimes comes across as aloof, disinterested or hard to read, but I just can’t help it that I love feeling pursued the old fashioned way. Blame it on my mom-my nickname for her is “Scarlett”, so if you get the reference, you once again get the picture… “



  193.  #193Lori on February 8, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I added “consistency” to the chivalry and kindness line because I’ve recently realized that is one of my key wants and needs.

    I’ve also taken my information, which was largely what I don’t want, and turned it into what I do want in the flowy positive writing style Boomer posted.

    Here’s the last paragraph of my profile, where I deal with the messaging part. I’d be happy to post the entire profile post Boomer tweaking if anyone is interested, but it’s rather long.

    “I feel I can be shy at first, and although I’m wrapped in modern packaging, I’m an old fashioned Southern girl at heart. I feel happy when the man does the initial contact, calling etc. So I don’t feel comfortable responding to winks, emailing a man first or calling a man if he leaves his number in a message. I’ve been told that sometimes comes across as aloof, disinterested or hard to read, but I just can’t help it that I love feeling pursued the old fashioned way. Blame it on my mom-my nickname for her is “Scarlett”, so if you get the reference, you once again get the picture…”



  194.  #194Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Lori,

    I’m with Boomer… Nothing says you HAVE to date anyone.

    Summerbaby



  195.  #195Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 7:59 am

    @185: Boomer says:

    “…Yes, SLV, I use the “chivalry and kindness” line in every profile, and the quality of men I have attracted has shot WAYYYY up! ..”

    Cool. 8) That’s a fabulous quote! And your profile looks very good.

    I’ve been reading EMK’s book with all the profile development info. It’s great. I think what I will do is pick up thoughts that “call to me” — as I continue my dating and relationships learning — and write them to make them more personal in my profiles.

    I won’t be doing this anytime soon…

    Do you use profiles and same usernames on more than one online dating site? Or everything different for each? I’ve been asking around about this.

    Thanks for sharing your profiles. It is very much appreciated.

    xoxo
    SLV



  196.  #196Questioneer on February 8, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Hi Lori,

    I am glad it went well! I will have to look back and read up on it!

    About the handsome stranger – he is great. But I know I am accomodating him too much. Lots of last minute stuff. (He is super busy, my schedule is more flexible. And other things have happened so it makes it more complicated. 🙂 And because of that, I am having a hard to time keeping CDing. And I am afraid he will drop me if I continue to go out with other guys…complicated. Shouldn’t be, but it is. Guess I made it that way…



  197.  #197Andi on February 8, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Helpppppppppppppppp!

    How can I be an English major and editor and I can’t even convert my profile to feeling messages!!!????

    I am having a huge block and it makes me feel really vulnerable



  198.  #198Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 8:11 am

    @186: Lori

    I’m with Boomer and summerbaby; the choice is all yours. IMHO, and just for me…I’d probably meet a guy for lunch and “practice” on him.
    😀

    Having guy after you even if you don’t want him — especially if you don’t want him! — will change your vibe like nothing else! Rori has got that right.

    So unless he is now repulsive to you, I’d meet him for lunch — it’s not like it’s a weekend trip — and “practice” FM, leaning back, and whatever else, in the knowledge that it would prime the vibe for someone else…
    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  199.  #199Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Andi,

    It’s #396 under the “a man who just has to cheat” post…



  200.  #200Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

    SLV

    Thanks, I just might do that! It does feel empowering knowing I don’t want him anymore and now he wants me!



  201.  #201Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Just heard back from Form Letter Man. He said it’s hard to get personal when he doesn’t even know me (copout…I have a really extensive profile with lots of fodder for conversation) and apologized for turning me off and wished me luck.

    However, EnglishMajor, whom I had a sweet walk in the park with in college (27 years ago!) has contacted me on FB and is in pursuit mode for 3 days not. He’s long distance, but not far from my Mom’s place. So, there’s a chance that we will get together this summer.



  202.  #202Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Andi,

    Deep breaths…I understand your feelings of vulnerability and frustration. This is a highly personal thing you’re trying to accomplish. Take your time, it doesn’t have to be completed today.

    Would it help to have your best girlfriend over for a glass of wine and profile rewriting night? Make it fun and get her input as you go?

    If it’s overwhelming right now, maybe put it aside for a little bit. If you’re stressed, that will come through in what you’re writing.

    I find that I try to be so specific…I can be a word snob when I let myself be…that my profile sounds impersonal and calculated. Hate that, it’s so not me! So, I’ve had to rewrite over and over again.

    Give yourself some grace, space and time.

    Pam



  203.  #203Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 8:20 am

    @191: Andi says:
    “Helpppppppppppppppp!
    How can I be an English major and editor and I can’t even convert my profile to feeling messages!!!????
    I am having a huge block and it makes me feel really vulnerable…”

    Maybe it’s because you speak English or some other language. Not all messages one sends are “feelings” unless one does not have a thought in ones head.

    BTW and IMHO, if I read a guy’s profile and it had a lot of thoughts and opinions with the word “feel” added in, I’d be so turned off I’d run and that goes for women’s “messages” too. Ick!

    Perhaps I’d have a good giggle first.

    “I feel him touch herself.” These kind of sentences come to mind… 😆

    OK, I’m wicked… 👿 LOL 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  204.  #204Carla on February 8, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Hey Rori!

    I just wanted to tell you how much you have changed my life and how thankful I am for your wisdom, it’s simplicity and the exceptional tools you suggest we all use!

    I am 32, and finally, everything surrouding dating is making sense. My friends and family are asking ME for advice..WOW! I am still single, but doing tonnes of dating and am completly content with how my romantic life is.

    Thank you Rori! I tell anyone who is open to listen, about you, your programs, and your wisdom!!

    Carla 🙂



  205.  #205Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Andi, darlin’, I feel your pain. I taught graduate editing and tech writing and business writing for years. And I cannot get this feelings thing down to save my life. I am a technical person. AND a Virgo, so I’m all about facts and details and being right and being precise.

    And as I have said in other posts, I don’t know very well how I even feel let alone how to express it to some dude I don’t even know.

    Challenging stuff.

    Just keep practicing, I suppose. That’s what I’m doing. I usually just come back to “I feel good.” And “I feel icky,” but it’s a big 180 from my previous communication where I pinned my outcomes on what a guy did (the “-ed” words) rather than owning what was going on inside me.

    If there is one Rori concept I am embracing, it is BABYSTEPS!



  206.  #206FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Lori I it when love men who salivate over me, it actually makes me laugh because I feel juicy. How does that make you feel?



  207.  #207Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Pamelala (cute name!), I’m curious as to why you are giving FormLetterGuy the time of day. You are fabulous enough that you do not need a lazy man’s attentions. I just find his approach just LAZY. Like you said, you share a lot of yourself in your profile. My gut says this is not a a serious contender for your time and your attention, let alone your heart! If it were me, I’d be moving on to the next lucky man!

    Question to other sirens…do you even reply to most of the men who write you? I don’t. I can’t. Most of them just say some variation of “hi” anyway. If they put sincere effort into writing to me, even if I am not digging them, I will write back, but not if all I get is “I liked your profile. Wanna talk?” The problem I find though is that even a polite “no thanks” can encourage some men to keep hounding me…”why not?” Or my favorite, “Why not, you stuck up b*****!” (OH, I just love online dating sometimes). And then there are the men offering mustache rides who keep insisting they are for you!! (Omigod that was hilarious!)

    What do you all think?



  208.  #208Becky on February 8, 2011 at 8:35 am

    I’m still not sure what’s appropriate when a guy has decided to exit, and none of us like a guy who decides to exit. He took me out once a week for like seven weeks and then *poof* he disappeared as of a week ago. No texting, calls, etc. I feel sad about this because I liked him and he was honestly the best guy I’ve gone out with- he had it together financially and intellectually. Cool guy. So, would it be appropriate for me to send him a feeling message by text? Would it be appropriate for me to say something like, “I feel sad that I haven’t heard anything more. I feel a little weird not being told anything more like that we weren’t a good fit or whatever your reasons were for not calling back.”

    I really want to just say how it made me feel, even if he doesn’t respond. But would texting or emailing him that be appropriate or as a diva, should I just let this guy go, no feelings expressed? And what if he does come back into the picture? Do I play it cool?



  209.  #209Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Boomer,

    I was practicing with FormLetterMan – practicing saying what I want and what I feel. I didn’t figure he would come back with anything creative or insightful, but thought that by giving him feedback, he might do better with the next woman he e-mails. I hope he got the idea, but it didn’t seem like it. Ah well…on to the next.

    Still trying to decide whether or not to all out HunkyGuy on the info I found out about him on google before our date on Friday night. I’m feeling awkward and hesitant about meeting him. Ugh…need some clarity today.



  210.  #210FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Boomer Human nature is we want what we can’t have. Take one step backwards and they take 2 forwards.

    I have also read that guys are either boring or lazy. Just because they are lazy I don’t believe I should reflect that back to them. I just go one being my fabulous self. If will even go as far as saying in a playful way “you are so boring” especially if I am not into them.



  211.  #211Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Boomer,

    I politely respond to anyone who takes the time to write a well thought out message that shows they read my profile. I usually thank them for reading my profile and the message, say something positive about theirs, and if I’m not interested I tell them why.



  212.  #212FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 8:40 am

    RE 203 Pamelala I would say “feeling awkward and hesitant about meeting you because …..”. IMHO it shows you are committed to taking care of yourself and putting you first. I understand that’s something guys find irresistible.



  213.  #213Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 8:41 am

    SLV, I do change my screen names around and rotate the pictures too. Each site has a different feel to me, so I go with that flow rather than have one standard profile. OKCupid allows the most freedom and fun, so I have a wackier name there and show pictures of my feet and stuff (to match a funny story I tell about a creepy guy telling me at Kroger that he liked the shape of my toes). It draws foot fetishists, unfortunately, but it also creates fun opportunities with “normal” guys too. (Not judging foot fetishists…it’s just not my thing.)

    Was it you, SLV who asked about Cincinnati and Fountain Square??? or was that Femininewoman??? I’m so sorry if I did not answer…but it is still in downtown Cincinnati, yes! Great Oktoberfest right on Fountain Square every year!



  214.  #214FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Boomer though you say you get triggered by Christian Carter allow me to mention that he recently sent out an email with the topic Men “Grow Lazy & Bored”.



  215.  #215Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Becky, I’ve had the same thing come up recently… I’ve taken the no contact track, but tell myself and the sirens on here just how CRAPPY it feels when it hits me again…

    I’ve been wondering what I’d say if he showed back up (it’s been 3 weeks this coming Thursday) and hope I’ll just stick to how I feel/felt..

    I don’t understand it… I don’t really believe that men “just know they’re are not what we need and leave”… personally that feels so bad… If they were so good/intuitive to know they could have said goodbye… IMO…

    I don’t have the perfect answer but wanted you to know that you were not alone in this situation…

    It gets better… think to yourself “next”… and then work on believing it…

    I really like what RR posted the other day….

    “What if everything I believe about love is completely made up — and I made it up — and I can unmake what I made up and make up something new? This whole blog, and all my work is about making up something new.
    Something that feels good.
    As we make new things up, and take baby steps AS IF those things we just made up were REAL — that’s when magic happens.”

    Baby steps…
    PG



  216.  #216Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:50 am

    I’m really struggling with the number of men who appear to be dishonest about their ages online. I’m going through numerous profiles of men who claim to be within 5 years of my age in either direction, and I just find it hard to believe that so many men are really the age they say they are, yet look soooo much older. I feel bad when I catch myself thinking “45, MY A$$!, more like 55 or 60!” I feel negative and judgmental and suspicious. I don’t have a problem with someone BEING 55 and LOOKING 55 at all. My problem is feeling mistrustful when a man says he’s 45 and looks much much older than that….



  217.  #217Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Oh, FW, I still read Christian Carter. I can take what seems to work for me and discard what does not. I was just exploring in here how I trust a woman’s insights a bit more and my reaction to hearing about men from other men. It’s all interesting to me and all good brain food. I sure don’t have all the answers!

    Even my close guy friends pretty much all have the same refrain, “Men are pigs, Boomer.” And it makes me so sad. I can’t believe that and I won’t. So perhaps I can give CC another try before I call him out.

    I have to say that I do not disagree with Darling Ella on his rather circular prose style…the “let me come back to that…” is a tried and true marketing device that feels manipulative to me.

    I thought the “instant relationship” stuff from Rori’s interview with him was the best insight I’ve had into men in awhile. I seem to fall into that trap with men who totally want to take me to Key West and buy me stuff in the first week, then by week two they are disillusioned that I have not lived up to their fantasies….and because I fell into the trap. So, I think CC might have some valuable things to say. Perhaps I have to just get past the overt marketing angle.

    Do you like him/find him valuable, FW??? Anyone else?



  218.  #218Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:54 am

    PG and Becky,

    This might not be very Rori-ish in regards to not looking for closure, but my girlfriends and I have a saying about this:

    “The difference between a decent guy who just has something else going on in his life or who just realizes you’re not the girl for him and an a$$hole with no regards to anyone’s feelings but his own is a ten second explanation.”

    It has always proven true with us. The men who took ten seconds to tell us it was over ALWAYS ended up being more decent men than the ones who just disappeared.



  219.  #219Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Okay Sirens, my puter won’t be delivered for a few more days so I’m going to have to “wing” my profile updates w/out my word proccesing program…EEK!

    I have some good ideas from your tips. It woke me up in the middle of the night to write by hand… If you guys don’t mind I’m gonna post it here in a bit and see if I got the “message”…lol

    Thank you!
    PG



  220.  #220Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Lori, I like it…
    PG



  221.  #221Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Can’t wait to see it, PG! How awesome that we can all support each other here 🙂 I feel giddy!!!



  222.  #222life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

    201 Boomer

    What do I think? First of all, I have to agree–the offer of the mustache ride is hilarious!

    No, I don’t answer every “Hi” that comes along, but I will answer a simple “Hi” if I like their profile, because I have been told by one CD that he didn’t put forth much effort until he at least gets a “Hi” back, because many times people on the sites just drop out without hiding their profiles, etc. I get that.

    I really do make them show that they are interested though. jung guy and i texted back and forth with me mirroring and leaning back until he asked me to meet him.

    still ambivalent about on-line dating, probably always will be.

    I’m getting ready to have some different pictures made and tweak my profile some. It gets a pretty good response now, but it could be better, and I like experimenting.

    Add me to the list of those who love your profiles!
    Colorful and attractive!

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  223.  #223Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 9:11 am

    I love my online dating profile! I whipped this one out in 10 minutes. I remember posting the first one with all sorts of feeling messages and Nikita pooped all over it. 😉 Way too serious. Then I decided to write something funny and voila…

    ********************************
    Calling all great men! Think you’ve got what it takes to star in The Simply Shannon Show?
    Story line will include adventure, love, laughter and joy, sprinkled liberally with thrills and spills. I’ve already cast a beautiful girl as the leading lady. (See pictures for details.)

    Leading man requirements include:
    Strong faith and integrity;
    Treats others with respect;
    Knows how to have fun and can make the best of any situation.

    Body doubles need not apply. I’m only interested in the real thing.

    I’m also casting for court jester. Those qualifying for both leading man and court jester will be given preferential treatment.

    Auditions will be held very soon. If this sounds like you, I would feel very happy to hear from you…

    **************************
    Best recommendation came from Daria – get great pics! Professionally done. Not self portraits in your bathroom taken with a cellphone. (And I am the queen of self-portraits!) I still recommend professional pics! Everyone has at least ONE friend willing to take pictures of them! 😉



  224.  #224life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Hi to you too Jacqueline!
    It’s good to see you as well!
    What’s new and noteworthy?

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  225.  #225Lori on February 8, 2011 at 9:18 am

    awesome profile Shannon! Love it!



  226.  #226Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #43 – That really helps! Thank you for sharing!



  227.  #227FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 9:23 am

    RE 211 I keep reading CC because every so often he gives some great tips around attraction and communication. I have tried some and they work. He does talk in a round about way but I take it as his understanding that we are wired to solve mysteries and using that to his advantage some. I don’t dismiss him though because I believe doing that just shows how I am prone to looking for quick fixes. I am committed to the process so I look for valuable information from every source possible.



  228.  #228Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 9:24 am

    ss,

    I love it!

    Everyone else, I’m so happy to have you as a distraction today. My mom just called to tell me my brother just attempted suicide again.

    I’m so angry I could spit or scream. My poor mother has been through hell and back trying to help him and he just WANTS to be weak. Even his methods of attempts are proof that he doesn’t want to be successful, he just wants pity.

    I know I sound heartless, but this has been going on for nearly a year with him going in the hospital, coming out, and trying again. I am almost sorry he didn’t succeed. How’s that for a feeling message. I don’t know whether to cry or rage or vomit.

    I want to go to his drs and tell them about the years he molested me so they can really get at the roots of his issues. Sorry if this is TMI for any of you, but what the hey, it’s anonymous and I gotta let it out.

    If you want to avoid my posts for a bit til I get past the bile, I understand. I just want to feel good not wallow in his garbage! UGH!

    Summerbaby



  229.  #229Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

    SummerBaby,

    RE: #55 – Thank you! I appreciate your input!



  230.  #230Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Summerbaby,

    RE: #222 – Whoa, that’s some heavy stuff. So sorry to hear that. Suicide is the ultimate expression of self-pity. And it sounds like it is a cry for help.

    I hope you find complete healing for being molested by him.



  231.  #231FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Just finished talking to an ex from 1984 who suddenly reappeared of the last two weeks. He is now long distance but keeps telling him he will never forget me and how he tells his friends of the big mistake he made with me. I just told him I feel my heart quivering just listening to him and my whole body shaking when he was talking about how much he still loves and respects me. I asked why is it that when they have it good they keep going back and forth and he said he said he did that because he thinks I deserve more than he had to offer.



  232.  #232Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #221 – What I found most valuable from CC was “Inside the Mind of a Man”.



  233.  #233Lori on February 8, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Summerbaby,

    wow, I feel so bad for you….



  234.  #234Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 9:33 am

    I feel frustrated. I heard of “BBW Personals Plus” on the Today Show as a “Niche Dating Site”. I got all excited and joined, being that it was recommended. Right at the tail end of completing my profile, there was a verification code. Altho I feel sure I typed it in right, it wouldn’t accept my response. So I couldn’t complete it. I’ve sent a message to the site asking for help.

    They listed several unusual dating site niches, like those with cancer; unusual beliefs, and even one for those who are terminally ill.



  235.  #235Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Summerbaby,

    Vent all you need. Let us know how we can best support you, K? Sending hugs your way.

    Pam



  236.  #236life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Summerbaby, you are not alone- I hope you can take some comfort in that. I can empathize with you. It is frustrating, because there is nothing anyone can do, and the programs, hospitals, won’t help long term, UNTIL the individual genuinely and sincerely wants to turn their life around.

    hugs and best wishes to you,
    LiFe*



  237.  #237femenrgylove on February 8, 2011 at 9:35 am

    him : ‘thanks for being so good to me this weekend,i really enjoyed myself”
    me: ‘it was great,it was so good becasue i like you and you make me feel so good’

    and now i’m kicking myself in the head.when i wrote it it did not feel like leaning forward…… …and now that i have not heard back from him….i’m doing that over thinking thing.
    and my room smells like nail polish remover becasue i’ve spilt it all over the floor.
    sometimes i want to really get to that place where all this is effortless for me,where being a godess does not feel like a 9 to 5,where i’m comfortable enough with myself,with what i do and say and not freak out about it all the time.
    i feel like i’ll analyse myself to death
    i feel i just need some one to tell me they love me often
    i need to feel loved
    i feel so lonely having moved thousands of miles from home
    i feel horrible th at most of my ‘friends’ here that i meet i see only on drunken friday nights
    i feel horrible that the one guy that i have met and liked still has isssues with his ex
    i feel sad because i have an exam on thursday and i’m not motivated to study
    i feel sad because i know i’m sabotaging myself about it
    i feel bad for feeling bad
    and all i want is a hug and someone to tell me it will all be okay
    becasue that is just what i need sometimes,reassurance from someone else
    someine that is actually in the room with me to say it’ll all be fine
    that i’m fine
    that i’m beautiful as i am.
    and they could just hold me becasue sometimes all i want is to be held.thats all
    🙁



  238.  #238life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 9:37 am

    I saw that this morning too,
    Brenda. I was thinking of posting the link here after I go and check it out. Lots and lots of specific sites. From my experience with a couple of them, though, they don’t seem to get nearly as much traffic as the big ones like Match, eharmony, plentyoffish and OKCupid.

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  239.  #239Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Wow Summerbaby. Does your family know what happened? I’d be feeling hella pissed too. A part of me wanting him to get help but also feeling scared that if he got help my secret would come to light. And maybe wanting him dead so my secret could die with him.



  240.  #240Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Okay Sirens… did I learn anything? LOL

    New Profile… Hey and if you see bad typos/spelling/grammer would you let me know.. I had to type it in hotmail…lol… Thank you!

    I am a mother to two amazing kids. While I feel completely blessed by all the good in my life, I feel profoundly the absence of that kind, honest, loving cowboy I didn’t “hold out” until I met… I

    ‘ve done a lot of living, covering a lot of ground. I’ve learned what’s important, and what won’t matter in the end…I wasn’t ready a decade or so ago. I’m ready for him now.

    My friends would describe me as a loving, loyal, honest person who will have your back when the world throws challenges your way, and also figure out a way to signal and let you know if you have something in your teeth. May make us both laugh so hard doing it we neither one care anymore but then that’s not a bad thing either….. I love to laugh, and make others laugh as well. Humor, when tempered with kindness can truly be good like medicine.

    I believe in treating people the way I want to be treated..

    I have a gorgeous Colonel Freckles mare who has a tendency to be spooky. The things she fears changes from day to day but the reason I get along with her so well is that she responds to my gentle tone and a scratch in the right place…

    I can get her to do about anything when I keep that in mind..Kindness and affection are the keys to my heart as well..

    It would feel amazing to be with a man who has a gentle way with both hot blooded horses, and the women who ride them. A man who can talk about what he thinks, and feels.

    Someone I can feel safe sharing my heart with. He would be able to know that I would never put him down or “hit below the belt”.

    A man who can recognize, and appreciate fully a very good woman when he gets to know her.

    And if it’s not too much to wish for, a good kisser would be a plus too… just sayin’ lol

    Thanks Sirens!
    PG



  241.  #241FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 9:45 am

    RE 222 Summerbaby that is sad. Maybe he is reviled in himself about himself. He must have that memory in himself also. Can you find it in you to let go and forgive him. Something I practice is to say out loud “I forgive ……………”. I learnt that somewhere else and find it healing to my soul. The more I say it the more I can let go of the pain. He might even need to know that you forgive him so he can forgive himself. I know I am the type who always try to fit on other people’s shoe to see what they are going through. When I hear such stories I have to be grateful for my own life. My girlfriend’s brother did went through the same thing some years back but now he has totally turned his life around so as long as there is life there is hope.

    Take care of yourself though and I believe the most healing thing for you is to forgive him. That I believe is also clearing space for your soulmate to occupy. We put too much energy into hurt and pain that can be redirected towards love. Forgot who it was who said “any time not spent on love is time wasted”.



  242.  #242blessed on February 8, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Hi Ladies,

    I find Rori’s website 2 nights ago and have been reading the blog with every free moment I have. Just seeing and knowing that I am not the only one out there hurting has helped alot. Thank you to all who shared your pain and success. It lets me know I will survive these days of pain, helplessness and tears. It also gives me hope that Rori’s programs work. I’ve working with their helpdesk on how to pay for the ebook via Paypal.

    A quick introduction about myself.

    I’ve been in a r/s for the past 5 years. After a year of intense courtship, probably the happiest in my life, we had a tough year 2. Then things got better, or rather I thought things got better. I see him 4 to 6 times a week. In the last quarter of 2010, we had one major fall out. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m feeling too raw to share that.

    We patched things up ( or so I thought ). He called after going silent a few days and acted as if nothing was wrong. Things were abit tense but we were still talking/smsing daily and seeing each other at least 4x a week. On my part, I had bought a r/s self help book from Amazon.

    Last Thurs, we had a fall out. After sending me a message asking me to help him with something, he had not contacted me for a day. When he finally did, it was an sms to say he had a great time with his guy friends. I felt so hurt and neglected as Thursday was Chinese New Year.

    I sent him one nasty sms asking him to call on his buddies for help in the future since I was obviously not important enough to him. He called back but I was angry ( and stupid…) and refused to take the call. I missed his call the next day (friday) and sms him. We had a short talk on the phone that set fear and pain in my heart. He told me that he was trying but things aren’t working and that we would talk about it on Sunday.

    On Saturday, he called me at noon. A short conversation where i tried to sound happy and positive. He told me about his plans for the night (his sis was in town and they had a family gathering). Saturday night, he sent me a couple of SMS after the dinner, telling me how wonderful his niece was and then ended by saying he was tired and wanted to relax and bath. I responded nicely and did not bug him.

    Sunday came and left. He did not call or sms. I was expecting a call as he did say he wanted to talk on Sunday. At night, I gave him one call and no one picked up. On Monday, I sent him 1 sms regarding a financial and he replied, but that was it. I gave in and called him last night but he didn’t pick up.

    Please, I am hurting so much and not knowing what to think or feel anymore. On Saturday, he even told me he was converting an old tv serial that I love for me to watch. ( i never asked, he just brought it up in the short 5 mins telephone conversation we had). Even just 2 weeks ago, he was telling me happily that he had bought a lovely gift for me that I was sure to love.

    I don’t know what has gone so terribly wrong. I don’t know what to think. One minute, I am hopeful that he will call me and everything will be ok ( just like before ). The next, I feel so terrified that this is the end, that we won’t have a chance to work on it.

    I am trying so hard to be calm. On Monday, I was able to focus on work and not cry or panic too much until I got to the safety of my home. Today, I just can’t concentrate at work.

    I love him.



  243.  #243blessed on February 8, 2011 at 9:48 am

    oh dear, i didn’t realise it was that long, i just kept on typing. really really sorry about it.



  244.  #244Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. It feels great to have your caring thoughts.

    It’s not a secret. I told my mother and other family members years later. I never confronted him for it after the fact, but I’m thinking now maybe I should have? I dunno. I’ve healed for the most part.

    EFT is wonderful for disconnecting memories from emotional states. I can remember things now and not feel like it just happened or be emotionally shut down. I do think that some of his issues are that he never dealt with his end of it.

    Thanks all for letting me vent. I have so much going on in my life right now stress wise. This extea piece just really brings home that we absolutely need to focus on ourselves and our own well-being.

    hugs to all,
    Summerbaby



  245.  #245FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

    RE 231 femenrgylove sounds like time for the waterwheel of love visualization of pouring love unto yourself. What also works for me is looking in the mirror and literally talking to myself, telling myself “I love you” “you are worthy” “you are beautiful” “everybody loves me” “I have a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man who loves me dearly and want to give me the world” or whatever I can make up in the moment. Boy does that help me to feel fantastic about myself, my life and my possibilities. aaaahhhhhhhhhh I know I am silly but I don’t care, I love my silliness.



  246.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 9:58 am

    @207: Boomer says:
    “…Was it you, SLV who asked about Cincinnati and Fountain Square???…”

    That was me. I remember the old square too from when I was a very little girl…later the old “fountain” was moved to a new plaza.

    xoxo
    SLV



  247.  #247Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

    I guess I have to admit that Smooth Cowboy WAS a messenger…

    He was an expert w/horses.. especially the one’s known for being “snot blowing” w/a lot of buck n them… He’d say in his soft Texan drawl… “Ya just gotta warm up their backs a bit”… I told him that’s why he got along so well w/me… He was just so easy… why I called him smooth…

    See, he gave me something to ask for in my profile… thinkin’ positive here… Oh and he’s on the cowboy site.. be funny if he ever looks at my profile again and sees the description of him on it…lol

    PG



  248.  #248Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I had a CD with TallColumbusDude Friday–second date, beautiful restaurant, amazing wine, good conversation, a little slap and tickle (as my dad used to say). He’s two hours away. But I like that he likes me. He has emailed a few times, but no phone calls (and I can’t reply to his texts for some reason, which I don’t mind because I feel awkward and like a poor communicator texting with men). I find his communication style direct and kind of dry, but not ineffective.

    Can ya’ll help me respond to this most recent email suggesting a date on our next free weekend? Both in terms of content and tone? How can I FM him here??? Clearly, I am expressive and open to his controlled and businesslike…I want to strike a true chord here. He said:

    “Hello,

    Well, let’s plan something for the next weekend. I’m working with {a customer} on Friday the 18th and I doubt we’ll go into the weekend. Saturday works best…

    TallColumbusDude”

    I don’t know if I am free that night, because I want to see what my bestie Annie Clyde’s work schedule is. Do I just delay for several days before I respond…like he did in getting back to me? (I alwys feel like it’s rude not to respond immedaitely, but I know that’s silly and not Siren-.y) I don’t want to play games, but neither do I really want to commit to Saturday right now, really, but I do want to see him that weekend.



  249.  #249femenrgylove on February 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

    feminineWoman,that hug i was talking about?you just gave it to me.thankyou 🙂 so so much.xoxoxoxo
    waterwheel here i come woohoo!!!



  250.  #250Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Oh, PG, I love this one:

    “I have a gorgeous Colonel Freckles mare who has a tendency to be spooky. The things she fears changes from day to day but the reason I get along with her so well is that she responds to my gentle tone and a scratch in the right place…

    I can get her to do about anything when I keep that in mind…Kindness and affection are the keys to my heart as well..”

    Squeeeeee! So apt and perfect and indirectly sumptuous!!



  251.  #251Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Femenrgylove,

    RE: #231 – You said, “him : ‘thanks for being so good to me this weekend,i really enjoyed myself”
    me: ‘it was great,it was so good becasue i like you and you make me feel so good’”

    That was a fine feeling message! Nothing wrong with it at all!

    I really relate to the rest of what you said…really from the heart there and I feel your pain.

    Do you know how to riff? Take each of those statements and flip it into a positive, of what could happen or what you intend to happen in the future….!



  252.  #252Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Boomer,

    “I’d love to see you Saturday but my dear friend has first dibs and I’m waiting on her to tell me the schedule. I can let you know in a day or two what materializes and maybe we can work around it.”

    Summerbaby



  253.  #253Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

    @summerbaby
    “…I want to go to his drs and tell them about the years he molested me so they can really get at the roots of his issues…”

    Yes, I think so too, summerbaby. If you are up to it…maybe right now might not be the best time.

    Hugs to you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  254.  #254FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 10:10 am

    RE 236-237 Blessed not a problem I love to read people’s stories plus I believe just journaling here helps with healing process.

    In my humble opinion he might be waiting for your anger to subside. it seems he has been trying to make you happy but you might be focussing on what is not working so he might be in a place where he feels he cannot do anything right or make you happy. Sorry if I come across harsh or blunt but that is what I am feeling reading what you wrote.

    I feel he will be back but right now it might be best for you to focus on yourself, how you feel and healing yourself. I would read as much on the blog here. Anger and arguments is great for achieving disharmony. Expressing how you feel might be what will be needed and the space he has now given you to find your feelings should be used to do just that. So that when he returns you will have the words to share with him. If you felt neglected when he went with his friends you might need to process that. Do you feel that he should not have fun times with his friends?

    I just had a guy tell me that he pulled away because he felt I deserved a lot better and more respect. I am not sure if that is what he is going through but the anger could be understand that he is doing a bad job in making you happy. If he feels he cannot win he will go away.

    You might be looking for a quick fix but guys understand space. If you need to cry, panic, scream, whatever, do it here the ladies here will help you through it. In the meantime commit to reading everything here. Maybe the link on the right hand side about Heal Your Heart and Communication. Use the space he created to work on yourself, learn as much as you can and sit with the heartbreak for a while. It might not seem like it right now but working on yourself will help you to change your vibe and cause him to take a second look at you again. Hope this helps until the others respond to you.



  255.  #255Lucy on February 8, 2011 at 10:13 am

    computer down 🙁 pls pray – i don’t know what to do about it. this thread will soon be too long for my phone so i’m subscribing to get th emails. and Q: if a guy decides you are not a good match does he ever change his mind?



  256.  #256Lori on February 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Here is the last paragraph of my profile regarding contact.

    “I feel I can be shy at first, and although I’m wrapped in modern packaging, I’m just an old fashioned Southern girl at heart. I feel at my feminine best when a man does the initial contact, calling etc. So I don’t respond to winks, email a man first or call a man if he leaves his number in a message. I’ve been told that that may come across as aloof, disinterested or hard to read, but I just can’t help it if I love feeling pursued the old fashioned way. Blame it on how my mom raised me. My nickname for her is “Scarlett”, so if you get the reference, you also once again get the picture.”

    (the last line refers to another reference earlier in the profile.)

    If they still wink or leave their numbers in a message, I know they haven’t read through to the end of my profile and I ignore them.



  257.  #257Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 10:17 am

    @232: life_is_too_short_to… says:
    “…From my experience with a couple of them, though, they don’t seem to get nearly as much traffic as the big ones like Match, eharmony, plentyoffish and OKCupid…”

    But it could be that targetted traffic is worth more than big numbers of the general variety.

    If you have links, please post. I noticed EMK has or had a bunch of dating site links on his blog. I used his list to “join” my first site. Just to explore; I chose one I would never “use.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  258.  #258FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 10:20 am

    RE 249 Lucy I believe it depends how you show him your feminine grace in respecting his decision and moving on. If nothing else his curiosity might get the best of him to come back later to find out what you are doing. Also I believe absence makes the heart grow fonder.



  259.  #259FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

    RE 242 Boomer I might have missed it but he didn’t seem to have suggested anything specific. How about “what plans do you have in mind?” Or “I am open to whatever plan you have in mind between” and suggest the timing that might work for you?



  260.  #260Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 10:24 am

    246 – Summerbaby, thanks! Here’s a “me”-oriented permutation of your suggestion:

    “Hi, John. Your project sounds exciting. I’d love to hear more about it.

    Let me consult my oracle and let you know in a couple days how that Saturday works. Annie Clyde often has dibs depending on her work schedule (or thinks she does!), but I’d like to make everyone happy, including myself. And seeing you would make me feel happy. Are you open to Friday just in case?”

    Does this raise my “degree of difficulty” in an effective way while still being feelings-y and open?



  261.  #261Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 10:27 am

    SLV,

    thanks for your message. I’m actually thinking this may be his issue and why he can’t seem to get better. I forgave him long ago. The only thing I’m angry with him for now is what his attempts are doing to my mom.

    Everyone has reached out to help him. He obviously doesn’t want help. He wants to play people’s sympathies and lay blame instead of taking responsibility for himself and his health.

    I live a good distance from them so it would be difficult to get there. I’ve been through therapy for all that junk and I do feel like I’ve processed most of it.

    The way he did this last attempt left an horrific bloody mess for my mother to deal with that I feel as though he is attempting to punish her. We’re not little children anymore. He’s in his 50s…

    Maybe I will go visit him and just bring it up so he can react with his therapists there to deal with it. I’ve never been about punishing him for what happened. I’ve only ever wanted to put it behind me and leave it there.

    I’m trying to forgive myself for letting this upset me and not focusing on my work today. I’ve got very little accomplished here today. But I’m cutting myself a little slack. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

    My main cd has been a rock for me through this. He’s stepping up to provide a shoulder for this issue and no I didn’t tell him about the abuse, and stepping up in a major way to help me with some other pressing issues that I’m forced to face. I didn’t shed a tear this time. Don’t know if that’s good or bad.

    I think I will wait til all my jobs are over today – have to work another place in a few – and then go home and do some serious EFT. I’m so grateful for my keyboard and my exercises because I have an outlet for all this excess energy. Good thing because I feel a bit like an emotional volcano and that can’t be good for anyone nearby! lol

    hugs,
    Summerbaby



  262.  #262FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 10:29 am

    RE 242 Boomer I might be wrong but “Do I just delay for several days before I respond…like he did in getting back to me?” feels like playing games to because I personally don’t like to be dragged into little boy games. I would prefer to do what works for me for instance if I am too busy to get back to him until later in the week then I do that. I don’t like to keep score with guys because I have an issue with eventually building up resentment. I respect my time and so I want people to respect that also.



  263.  #263Summerbaby on February 8, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Boomer,

    I like it. It says that you like him, it says that he’s not the only option in your life and it says that you put you first!

    Sounds very siren-y to me!

    hugs,
    Summerbaby



  264.  #264FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

    RE 253 Boomer “I’d like to make everyone happy” are you sure you want to include this?



  265.  #265Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 10:39 am

    @241: Prairie Girl says:
    “… Oh and he’s on the cowboy site.. be funny if he ever looks at my profile again and sees the description of him on it…lol…”

    PG, alarm bells are going off. IMHO, I would not put a reference to him in the profile… also no “I feel profoundly the absence…”

    BTW, do you remember my first message to you about Smooth Cowboy?… I don’t think he’s a bad guy either but I only have your description to go by.

    He’s smooth, he’s fun, he wants sex… better watch yourself… 😀

    Your profile is coming right along. Those things are difficult to do!

    Am I almost certain he’ll look at your profile again. You know that too, right? So please no “profound absence…” Hell, let him see what he missed! Put up a new pic or two. Not for him, for you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  266.  #266Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

    PG – “I feel profoundly the absence of that kind, honest, loving cowboy I didn’t “hold out” until I met”

    I am sure that this isn’t what is met by this sentence, however, it could be interpreted: “I feel desperate to be with someone honest and loving. In the past, I didn’t “hold out” for him (I slept around?). I settled.”

    I was trying to look at it from a man’s perspective and that’s how I interpretted it. If I were not the right man, I might think…hmmm, low expectations, I can probably get away with doing as little as possible.

    How about, “I feel excited about the possibilities of meeting a kind, loving cowboy that know’s how to treat a lady the way she deserves.” or something like that…..

    Hope this isn’t offensive – just trying to offer something constructive.

    Pam



  267.  #267Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 10:56 am

    @summerbaby
    :… I’m so grateful for my keyboard and my exercises because I have an outlet for all this excess energy. Good thing because I feel a bit like an emotional volcano and that can’t be good for anyone nearby! …”

    That sounds good. Take care of yourself first. You can revisit other matters when you are back to even keel.

    Hugs,

    xoxo
    SLV



  268.  #268Smiling on February 8, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Hello Everyone!
    This is my first post and I wish I found you ladies six months ago.
    I recently ended a relationship with someone. I thought if you loved someone enough and helped them it would all work out. But it ended up with me feeling resentfull and not having my needs met so I had to choose myself over him.
    I ignored all the red flags and I’m just trying to figure out why so I will not make the same mistake in the future. I am very self aware and know what I need to work on. I fantacize about having it all – great sex, a best friend that make me laugh, someone with same work ethic, loves their family and wants to enjoy life to the fullest. I am definitely sensitive and can be stubborn and have my own opinions but I have worked hard to not force them on anyone. I have learned valuable lessons from past relationships i.e. be yourself, be careful what you say when you are angry, it’s ok to be vulnerable with someone. I am very open minded when it comes to people and their views.
    We met a few years ago through mutual friend and I Kept him in friends category becasue he spoke poorly of his mother (was not loved as a child statements), he was extremely conservative with his political views, spoke ill of his ex-girlfriends and was very argumentative. So he remained in the hang out with occassionally category until he lost his job about a year and half ago.
    I knew he didn’t have a lot of friends (another red flag) so I of course started inviting him out more and felt that he softened up a bit.
    Perhaps he was realizing things about himself – having a fat expense account does not make you a friend or a man. etc. He felt that people in NYC were always out for something and after being laid off he realized who his true friends were which left me and one other female friend.
    And I saw who this man could be…..and we fell into a relationship. His lease was up and he still hadn’t found a job so of course I told him he could stay with me until he got back on his feet….thinking a few weeks at most – turned into 8 months.
    During that time I was diagnosed with Cancer (which I have clean bill of health thank you :)) and he was really there for me. I overlooked the fact that he wasn’t big into compliments or that affectionate – again thought if we spent more time he would get more comfortable.
    I let this man completely into my life, my home and my heart. I didn’t hold back or hide things or act like something I wasn’t.
    It just never felt like I did enough and he started becoming very negative, which I made excuses for like he is out of work and stressed. It started with little things like “what was I missing in my life that I have to be so affectionate” when I would reach for his hand or try to kiss him on the cheek. I would hear “I wasn’t raised like you were – we don’t kiss and hug and say I love you”. Then if I didn’t like everything he liked – i.e. a movie he would turn it off and not speak to me for hours. All the time me cheerleading and trying to make him happy and keeping him busy.
    He finally got a job in the summer and I thought things would turn around. It only got worse…..he didn’t like his coworkers or his boss – didn’t think they were smart and felt like they were stealing his ideas. Turns out he got fired from his last job not laid off becasue he use to argue with his boss.
    So I was away at my mom’s for a nice long weekend and he text messages me that he feels we have grown apart and that he feels like he should move out. Which I agreed with and said I think we need some time apart and let him get his life together.
    We had been arguing becase he felt that having a job and then coming home left him no alone time and I had no idea how hard that was. (what I really wanted to say was I have been doing that for months while going through treatments and you don’t hear me complaining – but I didn’t) Which turned into a text fight and him calling me names and telling me he would be gone by the time I got home. I told him I would not communicate over text about this and stopped responding which ensued more messages and a finally a phone call. We had a conversation but I felt so sick.
    Then I came home a few days later and he was asleep – and I had that sinking feeling in my stomach and just laid there thinking “what am I doing?”
    We talked things out – I again told him we are just not in same place – he is 5 years younger and has never even lived on his own.
    He told me he doesn’t feel like a man becasue he can’t support me and take care of me…..I felt bad so I stayed with him.
    He moved out.
    Nothing I did or said made him happy. I met his mom and we started cooresponding via email and he didn’t like that because he doesn’t trust her and thought I would email her something she would use against him. I know as people are reading this you must think WOW – what was she thinking…..
    I was thinking that if I loved him enough he would get it! He still focuses on his parents divorce which happened almost 20 years ago – both parents have remarried, his dad a few times etc. I get that as I come from a divorce family but that was along time ago and my parents love and support me through everything. The resentment he has towards his mother was insufferable – I’ve met her and she was warm and loving towards me so I just couldn’t understand this.
    I then met the rest of his family and they were all kind so I started to question his whole “i wasn’t loved as a child” stuff
    Eventually I just mentally gave up but physically stayed as I knew he had very little support. We both started making plans w/o each other. We had bought our tickets for the Holidays and 3 weeks before Christmas a friend had sent me an ionizer that she got through work becasue she thought it would help with my cancer. She was in town and wanted to have lunch with us and he said I don’t want to go becasue she is a show off and why should I have to go and fake it. And that didn’t I know her sending me that gift was a tax right off and that she didn’t even pay for it. I continued to get ready and said I didn’t feel comfortable if he went knowing his true feelings. But that I of course would go to his work holiday party happily tonight for him.
    He left to go to the gym and said he would not be returning. I said nothing
    A few hours later I get a barrage of text messages apologizing – this is a pattern – he is a constant texter.
    I said I will be home in a few hours if he wanted to discuss this in person but I will not repsond to texts about this.
    We again had the same discussion about taking some time apart and he left and said to call him if I changed my mind. I sat and cried for 2 days.
    He sent me an email a few days later because we had a trip to Boston to see my friends and family and what did I want to do. I said I wasn’t sure but I can’t go on like this – he said he just feels like everything and everyone is against him in life and that I am not nice to him and not supportive….I was in complete shock
    We faked it though the holidays….me having to take him home with a black-eye because he had got in a bar fight the weekend before. I was not there of course and he said it felt good to be hit. I knew at this point that he does not need a relationship he needs a therapy.
    It ended right after the New year over text messages of course – no surprise there.
    He reached out a few times over text after to which I just responded it is not necessary to reach out at this point – he said I was rude and haven’t heard from him sense

    I should be relieved and celebrating myself but I feel disappointed that I let it go on for so long.

    I should be happy that it is done but where did that man go that helped me through cancer.

    I am thankful that I am finally have the strength to stay away from him.

    Thank you for reading this



  269.  #269tinque on February 8, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Wow!!! Smiling – I think you handled this beautifully. It’s rather common if not normal for a woman to keep trying to make things work or to hang in with a man far longer than maybe is good for her, BUT there are always lessons, messages, and ultimately healing.
    You done good.

    xxoo



  270.  #270Lakshmi on February 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

    I skimmed a lot of posts, but wanted to comment on profiles. Boomer and PG, thanks for posting yours. Love the quirkiness of yours Boomer, and the Cure lyrics!

    PG, I’ve had a lot of luck with adding a story into my profile. EMK mentions this: Show, don’t tell. So if you want to show you’re adventurous, tell a story about how you climbed a volcano, or rescued a herd of goats from a burning shed;), or tried a new vegetable every day for a month! I tell a story about selling my car in Hawaii for $500 and a bag of mangoes, and almost everyone comments on it.

    Also, PG, maybe you could tweak some of your feeling messages? i.e. “I feel I am a loving, honest, open person…” could transform into “I feel open-hearted when I connect with a good friend on a long walk, or share a cup of hot cocoa with one of my kids on a snowy day…”



  271.  #271FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

    RE 261 Smiling thanks for sharing your story. I think the name you chose for this blog is commendable in light of the difficulties you shared. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you are obviously brave and learning from the experience.

    If I can share what I felt while reading the comment, I would say I felt like the role you might have played her was the matyr where you were rescuing a “slacker”. If so it might be instructive to review previous relationships in light of this one so if you have a pattern of trying to rescue people. That way in the future you will know yourself better because we tend to play out roles in life. He might have picked up his own slack if your helping hand was not there to pick him up over the years spent with him. Most of us only tend to look at how we lost ourselves after we step away from the relationship.

    You did well observing yourself. It also seems to me that he needs therapy as it seems he has issues that only he can work through. I have seen girlfriends hang on for too long, I have done it myself and have read here on the blog where many women do it. We are giving by nature and this is why we are so prone to helping our men out. Take care of yourself.



  272.  #272Lakshmi on February 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Oh PG, I hadn’t seen your reworked profile yet. I love it!!!



  273.  #273femenrgylove on February 8, 2011 at 11:45 am

    #245 Brenda,
    i’ve read about riffing on the site but i never actually did it.and i feel thats where i go wrong,sure you can sift through the tools and see what works for you,but i sometimes dont even try.i will now.made myself a nice cheesy dinner,its dinner time in europe 🙂
    but i’m still here,reading learning,growing
    xoxo



  274.  #274Marie on February 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Ok ladies… I NEED your help.

    I have been seeing this guy for about a month and half. Nothing serious.. just casually hanging out, non-exclusive. He has been pursuing me hard and always says things like “your my only girl” etc. I have not reciprocated that b/c I don’t want to let my guard down so soon, plus i’m not sure if I want him as my boyfriend just yet.

    The last few weeks he has been saying sexual things to me… cute things… basically building the anticipation up (since we hadn’t slept together yet). I am pretty conservative when it comes to sex. I won’t sleep w/ a guy till I know I genuinely like him. Wellllll… the other night I had a little too much to drink and slept w/ him. I wanted to at the time, but after I felt it was too soon.

    I want him to take me seriously, and I don’t want it to turn into an all-sex relationship, b/c I actually like him.

    How do I fix this?! How do I say I want to wait to sleep w/ him and I think its too soon, when I already freaking slept w/ him?!?!

    Marie



  275.  #275Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    I have gotten ZERO work done today. Ha! But this has been fun. And a fun day for emails on dating sites. My fave exchange with a guy with no picture to post today:

    MIKE12345: Well you seem like a handful but I’m always up for a challenge. I may have to tame you a little but I’m sure the process would be interesting and exciting. What do you think, hun?

    BOOMER (to self): Hun????

    BOOMER: A handful, huh? Ok, I’ll bite, Mike. How so? I feel a little intrigued but also a little irritated that you challenge me and do not share all of yourself. What do you think?

    MIKE12345: I like to keep myself a mystery. Getting over being irritated is part of the process of taming you 🙂 True love and passion can only come from complete surrender of your personal needs. My e-mail is XXXXX@xx.com. Perhaps we can talk and eventually meet for a drink.

    BOOMER: I am not so easily trained. As you said, “A handful.” Nope, Mike12345, I am not seeing ‘game show love connection’ in you so far. ‘Cuz in my own mind, I’m a freakin’ rock star and my personal needs are quite relevant 😉 But you could try to convince me.

    Waiting to see if there’s a reply!

    And then there was this one:

    “Want to be my best friend and have sleep overs? I am fun to be around so be ready to laugh a lot
    message me my friends call me ”Gov.””

    Ha!

    Hilarious day online today….I feel whimsical.



  276.  #276Ella on February 8, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Today I am feeling very empty.

    Mind keeps going to Mr B but in truth that is not why I feel empty.

    So I feel angry because I want him to be something he is not?

    Very pointless!

    Maybe I feel empty from real intimacy.

    Maybe I just feel empty.

    Been using food today to stuff it all down. Doesn’t really work!

    On the positive work is picking up. And I am still holding my boundaries.

    It hurts less than usual.

    I am doing some training tomorrow and when I have time away from Mr B I begin to feel strong and healthy/good.

    Its just when he would usually contact me I start to feel sad.

    Wonder what is happening with him?

    But irrelevant and not my business.

    I think this will turn around quickly.

    I wonder how to fill up my emptiness?



  277.  #277Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    @268: Boomer says:

    “BOOMER (to self): Hun????…”

    “And then there was this one:
    ‘Want to be my best friend and have sleep overs? I am fun to be around so be ready to laugh a lot
    message me my friends call me ‘Gov.”…”

    ROFL 😆 I see you have been having fun today.

    xoxo
    SLV



  278.  #278FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Marie pardon my bluntness but reading your words “Nothing serious.. just casually hanging out,” and “I want him to take me seriously” leaves me wondering if your really know what you want and whether that was communicated to him clearly so he can understand. Sorry but I am confused.



  279.  #279FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    RE 268 Boomer I wonder if Mike12345 is a dog or lion tamer? Are you looking for a man who is open and honest? I am wondering how one who wants to keep himself a mystery would fit into that concept? Wonder if he has something to hide?



  280.  #280Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    OOoh thanks you guys!

    Boomer #244 I’m glad! I got that idea from YOU! You rock at this profile stuff.

    SLV & Pam I take NO offense at anything you guys say on this, please don’t worry about that…

    SLV I don’t mention SC in any way any one would know… I just used to tell him that his being good w/snot blowing hot blooded horses worked for him in other ways, like dealing w/me… So he would recognize the reference to wanting a man that could handle hot blooded horses…

    I don’t think he would take it as me missing him in particular cause it doesn’t mean that. He just showed me there were guys out there that had that kind of classy/gentle way about them and used it all across the board…

    I see what you mean about the profound absence.. And Pam “settled” is what I mean.. It’s what I’ve done… even would have been w/SC because of little NON-deal breaking things.. before he disappeared that is…lmao…

    Thank you Lakshmi!

    I have a few more things to add… like I really don’t have to have a man w/horses just “horse sense”… I may only ride mine a few times a year… I’m really more into bucking bulls these days… Am I a redneck or what?

    I appreciate you guys more than you can know…

    PG



  281.  #281FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Some other Relationship Advice

    Did You Know?

    One of the fastest ways to endear yourself to a man is to affirm his ability to make his dreams come true.

    Source: G. Clayton Viddler

    Featured Topic: What Men Need to Hear

    Let’s face it – most of my advice is for women. It isn’t that I don’t think men could learn a few things,
    it’s that most men don’t listen to advice. Sorry, but it’s true. There are some men who do wander into my
    office and actually want to hear some feedback regarding why their relationship isn’t working.

    When this does happen, here are some of the things I hope they will allow me to tell them and please
    remember that I’m talking to men with these suggestions.

    1) What Type of Woman do you want?

    I’m assuming that you don’t know that women are more emotional than men. That’s the good news and the bad. The woman who can excite your emotions is also the same woman who will need
    your encouragement and understanding. If you want a woman who is exciting and doesn’t need any emotional support, then what you want is a professional – a woman who will fulfill your sexual wants, but requires no emotional intimacy. All she asks is that you pay her hourly rate accordingly.

    2) Yes marriage is a cage and you’ll love it.

    I won’t bother telling you that you’ll have less freedom being married, but the freedom you crave comes with a price…it’s lonely. If you are determined to never have a woman take advantage of you, never be in a bad mood or you expect her to always look perfect, then you’re destined to live a life of loneliness. What marriage offers is a mixture of excitement and contentment and there is no price you can place on the value of coming home to a woman that has become your soulmate.

    3) A woman can heal your heart, like no other.

    A wife helps her husband access parts of his brain that he would have difficulty experiencing on his own. All those feelings she has and the need to know what he’s thinking may seem overwhelming at times, but they serve a purpose to help her man by stirring up feelings that have long been dormant. Over time this process makes a man calmer, more confident, happier, and content with his life. In addition, a wife’s compassion can bring more healing to a man’s heart than any amount of money or medicine.



  282.  #282FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Some Belly Fat Advice I found

    I said in part one of this article, it’s simple… sugar causes body fat. The more you eat (sugar), the more you get (fat).

    And the last thing you want to do is to start your day eating a whole ‘mess’ of it. Truth is, most breakfast cereals have LOTS of ‘hidden’ sugar which is slowly destroying you and your family’s health.

    With that in mind, here are 7 cereals that will help you get slim, trim and healthy.

    Today’s question: What do you think is the BEST fruit to eat for losing weight? (Answer given later this week.)

    In this photo you will see some of my favorite cereals that I rotate throughout the week. You really can’t go wrong with Quaker Oats oatmeal. I often eat the slow cooked version unless I am in a hurry. Then I’ll go with the quick, one minute version.

    My new favorite cereal these days is the Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Whole Grain Cereal. This is the almond flavor that is all natural with no preservatives. The cereal contains 6 g of fiber and less than 1 gram of sugar with 8 g of protein. I sprinkle a little Truvia natural sweetener and add a little almond milk and it is delicious.

    Another cereal that I enjoy is Kashi’s Heart to Heart cereal. Each serving has 5 g of sugar along with 5 g of fiber and 4 g of protein.

    You can’t go wrong with the classic Cheerios. Each serving of Cheerios has 3 g of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Add a little natural sweetener to Cheerios with some unsweetened vanilla almond milk and it is amazing.

    As you saw in the previous photo, some Fiber One brand cereal products aren’t what they are cracked up to be, but this one is. This is the original Fiber One and each serving contains a whopping 14 g of dietary fiber with zero sugar and 2 g of protein. It makes an excellent choice.

    The last one here is interesting. It’s the low sugar Quaker Oats Oatmeal that comes in a packet. Since it has 50% less sugar than the regular oatmeal that comes in a packet, I thought it looked good. But I missed the artificial sweetener sucralose (Splenda) on the label. So it’s not a BFF “Good Cereal” choice. Just goes to show that these companies are so good at hiding things, even a nutrition expert can be fooled once in a while.

    Uncle Sam cereal is a whole-grain powerhouse with 10 g fiber, 7 g protein and less than 1 g sugar in each serving



  283.  #283Smiling on February 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Tinke and Feminine Woman,

    Thank you for your encouragement. I look forward to my next life experience in the dating world now that I am healthy and on my way to being whole again.
    I will pay attention to not being in a victim role or choose a slacker and if I see the pattern repeat I will not let fear make me stay.
    I did the best I could and still have a vast and open heart.xxoo



  284.  #284FeminineWoman on February 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm


  285.  #285Marie on February 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Femininewoman,

    I guess what I mean is that I like to not take anything seriously or jump into anything before I know if the guy is worth it. I have a problem letting my guard down. I feel that if the guy knows exactly how I feel about him so soon, it will take away the “chase” or the appeal. So I pretty much just blow it off as “nothing” “no big deal” … but in realty, if really want him to like me.

    But your right, I’m confused b/c I like this guy, but I think I’m scared to move it from the level of “casual” to a level more meaningful b/c I’m scared of getting hurt.

    It’s like in my mind I have this objective of something long term working out, but in order to get there, I have to play the “cool” card towards him b/c I feel like if I show him I see him as relationship material he will get freaked out.

    Do you see where i’m coming from? Or have you ever felt like this?



  286.  #286Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Pam & SLV do you guys think this sounds better? I think I do..Great feedback, thank you…

    “I am a mother to two amazing kids. While I feel completely blessed by all the good in my life, I think it’s time to let that kind,

    honest, loving cowboy I know is out there looking for me join us on this journey.

    I‘ve done a lot of living, and covered a lot of ground. I’ve learned what’s important, and what won’t matter in the end…I wasn’t ready for the right man a decade or so ago. I’m ready for him now.”

    PG



  287.  #287Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I like that a lot more PG…it sounds more like an warm invitation. Nice!



  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    @273 PG
    “… I’m really more into bucking bulls these days… Am I a redneck or what?..”

    I’d put some of that in. The profile is getting better and better!

    xoxo
    SLV



  289.  #289Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    #274 FW I love that… Too cool…
    PG



  290.  #290aspiring siren on February 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Hi Everyone! I would like to pose a question.

    My story is long and although the advice you give may change based on my story I would rather pose the question first …

    Do you feel it is ever ok to initiate contact with a man with a feeling message to try and open up communication again if you are the one that cut it off out of anger?



  291.  #291Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Thanks guys…

    SLV I was just thinking that after I wrote it… You are SO intuitive… awesome.

    PG



  292.  #292Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    FW, a dog or a lion tamer, huh? I love both images!!! What are those references? I’m sure I’d love to understand either one so I can avoid them!

    I so am not taking this guy seriously, but it’s fun to practice the feeling messages and the siren stuff on these guys while also being playful.

    Here was his response…not at all sure what to do with it, or if I will:

    Mike12345: Well I may not be completely successful taming you, but then I may not need to. Love is give and take, give a little, take a little. I say we put up the ropes around the bed and begin round one!

    Ropes!!!??? Around the bed???? Oh, THAT’s not dripping with innuendo or anything.

    I suppose I could just say, “I’m a lover, not a fighter” and let it go at that.

    And “The Gov,” will be getting no satisfaction from me tonight. To him in my best London dandy voice: “Good day, sir! I said good day!”

    Oh, I love it here.



  293.  #293Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Boomer – you crack me up! Thanks for the comic relief.

    Aspiring Siren – I don’t have an answer for you, but am eagerly awaiting feedback from the more veteran sirens. 🙂



  294.  #294Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    HOLY UNINTENDED ETHNIC SLUR, BATMAN!!!!

    I can’t believe y’all read it like that.

    Gonna go change it now.

    I’ve insisted my mixed-race daughter take Spanish every year since kindergarten, and I regret that I do not speak it.

    Sharon Valerii —

    I’m not mad. I’m workin’ on something special for you…. 🙂

    Lisi



  295.  #295Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    @279: PG,
    You’re welcome!

    Prairie Girl says:
    “I am a mother to two amazing kids…”

    I have an “empty nest” so this doesn’t come up for me in the same way. I’d indicate a little more here. And IMHO I’d remove the “invitation” to join in raising them but that part is just me.

    Are you dating mainly to find your love soulmate or someone to be a “dad” and support your children?

    IMHO some guys might be looking for that, some might cringe at the thought of two crying toddlers. There are many ways to briefly describe children, or maybe it’s best not to at all. I’d think about it.

    “I am a mother to two amazing infants…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing toddlers…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing pre-school kids…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing grade school kids…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing junior high kids…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing kids who live out of state…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing high school students…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing young adults…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing college students…”
    “I am a mother to two amazing grown up children…”

    Maybe some of the mother sirens have more, and better, to say.

    xoxo
    SLV



  296.  #296aspiring siren on February 8, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Thanks Pamelala ! I am eagerly awaiting as well!



  297.  #297marina on February 8, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I’d like to post this, bc I think it adds to what Rori teaches us:

    By The FLYlady from flylady.net

    We all have a scared little kid living inside of us. We like to think of ourselves as being all grown up; after all our age and our bodies are matured. Somewhere along the way we have felt like we were losing control and we have worked hard at taking control of every area of our lives; only to feel even more out of control.

    That scared little kid inside of us is trying so hard to not mess up. We want to show the world that we are good at what we do. We don’t want anyone to not like us, this is why we say “YES” to anyone who asks us to do something. We don’t want to disappoint anyone and most of all we don’t want anyone to know our dirty little secret. That secret is that we are not really in control; we are faking it!

    Is this beginning to sound like a juggling act to you? We can keep a few pins in the air for a minute or two and then someone throws us one more thing to juggle. Eventually one after another pin starts to hit the floor. I guess there is always a straw that breaks the camel’s back.

    If you will think back in your life; you will see when those pins started coming at you too fast. Maybe your children came close together or a loved one died. You could have started a new job or moved. Eventually something had to fall by the wayside. Most of the time it was you and your home! You didn’t even realize you were neglecting yourself. You just thought you didn’t have time!

    That little child in you wants to do it all by herself. She doesn’t want to ask for help! The lack of control she is feeling has her pushing everyone away that could and would help her. Why can’t we do it by ourselves? I think this is the question we have all wanted to know for a long time.

    I don’t think it is that we can’t; it is just that it does not come naturally to us. We need to be taught. Since that little child in us does not want to let anyone know she is faking it and doesn’t really know how to do handle everything; she silently beats herself up for not knowing it all! Does that sound like anyone you know?

    When you look at the FlyLady cartoon character, you can identify with the different faces that she has. One minute you need a cheerleader, the next minute you may need a fairy Godmother. Then there are times that you need a loving mother figure to lift you up or gently remind you of something you have not done. She is always dressed to shoes with a bright smile on her loving face. You see her wings and know that she can FLY.

    You too have many different faces and they are all merged into the real you. The real you wants to be loved and to love! You want to be appreciated and respected! You don’t like being angry and feeling bad. You want to feel happy and enjoy life not just go through the motions keeping all the pins juggling in the air. What you really want is peace! In order to find this peace; you are going to have to make peace with all the different faces you have. The scared little child needs to know that it is going to be fine. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. The rebellious little child needs to know that she is being heard and that housework, exercise and food is not punishment. The happy-go-lucky little child needs to know that she can go out and play. Our lives have many different faces. None of us can go back in time and change our parents, but we can re-parent ourselves with the love that we extend to our children and our grandchildren. Let’s use a kinder voice and help this part of us grow up and quit fighting the adult part of us. When we can embrace with love the parts of us that are scared, looking for love, respect and kindness; we can let go of our need to always be in control or look like we are in control and finally merge our adult and hurt little child into a happy person who is FLYing! Finally Loving Yourself, all parts of you, is the key to making peace with all those faces.

    XXXX, Marina



  298.  #298Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    OMG — I just saw this guy’s profile.

    Over each pic, he had a caption that said what was in the pic, and then “no drama please!”

    Does this scream emotionally incompetent to anyone other than me?

    lol



  299.  #299Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    OMG, Lisi….wow.

    I just e-mailed HunkyGuy to ask for his help understanding the disturbing post that I found on google about him.

    He responded with an explaination that I find acceptable, but ended the email with “Good luck in your endeavors.”

    Ummmm, does that mean our date is off? Weird. Guess I’m not allowed to take care of myself with this guy. I did write back to him and say, “When I read, ‘good luck with your endeavors,’ I feel confused.”

    Why is it so hard to find someone who is a grown-up?



  300.  #300Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    @287: Lisi says

    “…I can’t believe y’all read it like that…”

    Do you really think our perceptions are unbelievable? We are only offering feedback. My first perception was “Whoa!” however I didn’t say that. Or did I? I thought I gasped and didn’t say anything.
    😯

    But sometimes I just put it out there when I am feeling shocked. <== Look a feeling message! I'm not feminine so I don't often use them. An FM for me!

    Perhaps people see things differently such as
    therapist.com as "therapist" or "the rapist." Sometimes it's good to control the perception; this is not always easy to do. We are one big female dating/relationship focus group here offering assistance.

    BTW, my grandchildren are studying Spanish and Mandarin. I should be studying French and Spanish but I've been backsliding for four weeks! 😀

    Hugs,

    xoxo
    SLV



  301.  #301Faith on February 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Ok, now I really need some H E L P. Pamelala, Brenda, Summerbaby, Daria…anyone!! I’m so floored. But glad I re-activated my online dating profile this past weekend.

    So I sent the apology email that Daria suggested, “Wanted to send a quick note to apologize about my text on Sat. Sorry if it came across as controlling, dramatic, and/or disrespectful. Can I just be honest? Being ignored makes me feel like what I have to say or ask doesn’t mean anything and isn’t important, so when I didn’t hear back from you after several hours, the result was me feeling….. well, ignored and kinda sad. But, I also know that no one is obligated to an answer a text: you do have the right to not answer. I don’t want to feel ignored and bad, so that is why I probably overreacted – not saying it was the RIGHT reaction. Anyway, I’m sorry about all of it and hope your week is going well and making you feel good and happy.”

    5 minutes later, I get this reply from him, “Thanks, I don’t use my phone these days, this last weekend I spent hanging out with friends, reading, playing music, going to see music. I think being too attentive to the phone interferes with all of those things, and my children clearly aren’t encouraged to call me during their mother’s week with them, so I put it in my car and left it there. That will probably be my m.o. for the foreseeable future. Hope all is well with you.”

    My reaction: Stunned. And again, happy I reactivated my online dating profile. This, from a man who is always so busy! And much if it is a genuine busy! Now, he can make time with his chaotic schedule for an ENTIRE WEEKEND of fun?? I waited a few hours to see how I felt, and sent this, “Everything is good, thanks. But, I have to say that it makes me feel bad to hear that you hang out with friends, and every time I ask you to hang out with ME, there’s always so much business/work for you.

    Look, I like you, you know that already – it’s been 3 years. But I have to be true to myself, which means I can’t and I won’t hide anything about how I feel anymore. We are both grown and free to do whatever it is that we want to do. I spend time, outside of work, hanging out, taking trips to see friends, dating, and socializing, too. But I have also always tried to incorporate YOU into some of those things. What I get in reciprocation just really doesn’t feel right. It feels like a true “friends with benefits when I feel like I have the time for it”. And you know something? That doesn’t feel good to me. At this point, I think I’m in a place where: 1. I like you too much to be in a situation like that and 2. I don’t have sex with my friends. I’m not saying anything else but that because I can only speak about how I feel at this time; that is where I am.

    So, with that said, I think at this time, if you don’t feel the same way, and your behavior and attitude towards me indicates that you don’t, then I think we need to re-evaluate our dealings with each other in person and in our writing. I think this will make me feel much better and will allow me to make the necessary adjustments I need to make, which include whether I continue to remain sexually monogamous. It’s really time, I feel, to discuss these things so that there is no confusion or feelings of resentment on my end. Please feel free to say whatever you like – whatever you think and feel. Thanks.”

    Haven’t received a reply yet. How did I do???? Did I lean back and say what I “feel” in a positive, siren-ish way? Feeling severe anxiety now 🙁



  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    @291: Lisi says:

    “Does this scream emotionally incompetent to anyone other than me?”

    No, but it’s kind of cliche and rude. He’s a boor maybe. He might be entirely functional with a woman like him.

    Or maybe he’s OK and someone told him to put that in his profile. Men can do weird stuff that they think is cool. Shades of “moustache rides.”
    😆

    What were the captions and pics?

    xoxo
    SLV



  303.  #303Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Lisi, I didn’t read “ethnic slur” into your profile at all. I feel surprised by others’ reactions. Perceptions may be real to that person but they may not be YOUR reality. Own YOUR profile girl!



  304.  #304Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Faith,

    My experience of your message is that you’re filled with anxiety. I think your message to him, and the anticipation of his response to you, are probably making the anxiety worse.

    The best advice I can give you is to put the phone, e-mail, whatever else you use to communicate with him, away. Take some time. Do something for yourself.

    As I read your message, it still sounds blaming, needy and asking for something. That’s why I think it’s best for you to not communicate with him right now since your adrenalin is pumping and interfering with your ability to lean back.

    He is allowed to spend time with his friends. He is allowed to have a weekend of fun. He is allowed to not answer your texts. He is allowed to have a life away from you. He is allowed to do whatever he wants over the weekend when you have basically told him not to contact you by blocking his messages. His job is to do what he wants to do. He is not responsible for your reaction/feelings in response to that.

    Also, and I see this a lot with women, we wonder why men don’t listen to us after we barrage them with words and words and words. Men need you to get to the point.

    How about, “I am doing well, but feel sad that we’ve had this rift between us. It would have felt good to have spent some time together this weekend, alone or with your friends. I’m feeling a lot of anxiety about our relationship and wonder how we might find a resolution. What do you think?”

    Obviously, this is for future reference. My heart hurts for you, but I feel pretty strongly that you need to ask yourself if this is the man for you. You can’t change him. You can only tell him what you want in a relationship, check his behaviors to see if he is willing to offer you what you want. If the answer is no, you must decide if his behavior is something your will accept or not. This is how you decide whether or not he deserves you.

    I hope this helps. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
    Pam



  305.  #305Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    @294 Faith

    “Haven’t received a reply yet. How did I do???? Did I lean back and say what I “feel” in a positive, siren-ish way?</i.

    IMHO, not leaning back nor positive. IMHO you apologized in a blaming kind of way and then when he responded pleasantly you tore into him again.

    “Feeling severe anxiety now”

    IMHO, chill and take care of yourself. Do some things to make yourself happy. If you get some new emails from new guys, respond to those with short interesting replies.

    Read the posts here on the blog, Rori’s newsletters and go through any other Rori products that you have.

    There’s no point to beating yourself up but IMHO I’d take look at the words used and decide if they were mostly about owning my feelings and boundaries/expressing them while being open and warm or about “I never want to see you again.”

    I believe if the guy wants to see you again, he’ll contact you. It might take a while. Take care of yourself.

    xoxo
    SLV



  306.  #306Ella on February 8, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Ok had a bath… got stuff ready for work tomorrow.

    Have a date tomorrow evening too. I do not expect to be attracted to the man but I am gonna practice RR tools.

    Still eating a lot today… think I am due my period.

    I feel a bit invisible on the blog today.



  307.  #307Brenda on February 8, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Boomer,

    RE: #268 – He sounds like a dominant, disrespectful playa to me. I feel turned off reading his messages to you.



  308.  #308Faith on February 8, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Pamelala: Thanks. I always appreciate feedback. My friend stopped by to visit and she smiled and said, “Obviously, they don’t know HIM.” Lol.

    I agree with all that you said, but in taking in my friend’s comments, I really HAVE put up with a lot from this man. Moodiness, he leans WAY forward, only to lean WAY back a few weeks later, he complains about not ever having time, but then every now and then he will spend time with someone other than me, unless we’re having a quick breakfast or lunch, what, once per month? It has been like this for 1 year (prior to that, the 2 years were actually quite nice). Yes, his time is his to do as he chooses, but why is it that I can’t ever get ANY of that time unless we’re meeting, basically for sex? Why can’t we meet and “hang out” as he does with his other friends when his time allows? I used to complain about that, but I stopped, because he just wasn’t doing anything social for awhile as he was so busy. Where do I stand if everything, including other friends get to be a part of his time? I try very hard to be as understanding as I can because he’s going through a very difficult divorce, but how much is one human being supposed to take when they’re being taken for granted? That’s my friend’s point – he takes me for granted.

    So, perhaps you are right. Perhaps I should really think about whether I really do want something with him. If I had to be honest, he’s a mere fraction of the man he used to be; I don’t even know what there is to love anymore. 🙁

    Thanks, Pamelala. If he answers, I will wait awhile and really think before replying. And perhaps run it through here, first, too. 🙂

    Faith



  309.  #309Faith on February 8, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    SLV: Thanks 🙂

    Did you see what I wrote to Pamelala?

    As I re-read things, I’m starting to feel weary and tired. I want to fight for this relationship because I feel like I’m getting older (in my late 30’s), I invested my time, and because I believe he is a good man. But the weariness and tiredness is coming down hard. And, once that happens, one gets fed up. I think I’m getting there…anxiety turning into slight anger….

    Faith



  310.  #310aspiring siren on February 8, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I posted a little while ago and would really like to hear what you all have to say….

    Do you feel it is ever ok to initiate contact with a man with a feeling message to try and open up communication again if you are the one that cut it off out of anger?

    oh and I ignored him when he tried to contact me and now it has been weeks since we have spoken .

    I really like this guy and since finding this site I realize that I am all boy energy, who doesn’t know how to lean back, who always says what she always thinks and seldom what she feels and if i do say what i feel it is always blaming the other for them making me feel that way… not such a great combination…. much work to do!

    Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!!!



  311.  #311Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Faith,

    It’s so hard to be blunt, but what you just told me is that he doesn’t treat you like a girlfriend, he doesn’t treat you like a friend, he doesn’t even treat you like a friend with benefits. He treats you like a sex toy with no regard for your dignity or value as a woman.

    But you have also told me, based on your conversations with him, is that you are chasing him down demanding that he give you attention, value, and respect. Based on his behaviors, “he has said, no.”

    You deserve better…why would you chase after a lion and ask him to snuggle with you. It is not his nature.

    Bless you, Faith….take care of you and let this one float on down the river.



  312.  #312Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Faith —

    Sounds to me like he needs to know he’s not the only game in town.

    Taking “for granted” means assuming you’re a sure thing. Like gravity. We can take it for granted. It’s gonna be there. It’s unwise to assume a person will still be there no matter what we do. Relationships are work, and can’t be taken for granted.

    When you CD — you’re not a sure thing.

    And, the thing about CD-ing is that you are focused on taking care of yourself. You are doing what you need to do in order to have the relationship you want.

    Either he will step up or he’ll go away. Either way, you win. You’re headed for Forever Guy.



  313.  #313Faith on February 8, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Pamelala: You’re right. Makes me sad, because this is someone who, prior to the divorce becoming crazy and a very bad fight that we had, we were very serious and were meeting each other’s family, and making plans to get married when everything was finalized. Ever since I’ve been trying to make up about that fight over 1 year ago, it all feels out of whack.

    It saddens me to believe that someone who loved me could treat me in such a way….kinda makes me wonder if there was any love to begin with on his end.

    Thanks again. 🙂



  314.  #314Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    @302: Faith says:
    SLV: Thanks

    “I want to fight for this relationship because I feel like I’m getting older (in my late 30′s), ”

    If that’s the reason, well….reconsider! Faith, you are YOUNG and probably BEAUTIFUL and I bet you do not even see it. *sigh*

    You are angry and hurt and life is not always fair. It would be weird if you didn’t feel badly right now.
    You will feel better with time and taking care of yourself. Come hang out at Siren Island; if you are feeling tired, you don’t even have to post.

    You have plenty more years, plenty of them!!! Just do not waste them on fighting for a man to love you or arguing for a man to love, or telling a man to love you.

    Taking care of yourself, doing things that make you happy, accepting dates and being open to having the relationship you want, this is the way to go.

    All of the above is my humble opinion only.

    xoxo
    SLV



  315.  #315Faith on February 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Lisi: Thanks. I don’t keep it a secret that I CD. I don’t throw it in his face, but if it comes up, I say that I do date. Maybe he thinks, because I’m sexually monogamous with him, that the CD’ing doesn’t mean anything.



  316.  #316Ella on February 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Aspiring Siren,

    I saw your post earlier and was not sure of the answer.

    I mean yes it would be leaning forward but in some circumstances you might decide to do this.

    Can you give some more detail about what led to the break up and how you both were in the relationship prior to that? If you were mainly lean back in the relationship it might be better than if you were mainly lean forward.

    I have been in similar situations myself in the past.

    My first opinion before hearing the details is that if you really like him and you broke it off and have been ignoring him then to lean forward and contact him with a feeling message would be ok.

    I suppose that you have nothing to lose if he now isn’t contacting you.

    I think I may have read somewhere that Rori re-contatced her husband when they were dating after cutting him off, but don’t quote me on it.

    See what the other Sirens say too.

    xoxoxox



  317.  #317Ella on February 8, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Hmmm, feelin far less focused on he who shan’t be named in this post!

    Interesting.

    And that feels peaceful. 🙂



  318.  #318Ella on February 8, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Hmmm, I want to be bikini ready.

    I made a promise to myself that I would be bikini ready ALL THE TIME after I went on holiday last year and felt less comfortable in my bikini.

    Trouble is my eating habits are all tied in with my emotions!

    This is definitely one for me to keep working with.



  319.  #319Ella on February 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Oh, I feel ALL ALONE on here.

    I feel lonely Siren. 🙁

    Humph.

    I am going to bed (feel tired anyway).

    Night Sirens.

    xoxoxox



  320.  #320Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    You’re not alone, Ella. I’m lurking around between here and some dating websites.

    I know how it is to have your eating all tied up with your emotions. I’m sorry that you’re struggling.



  321.  #321Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Marina —

    Thanks for the Flylady post. I know I’m getting out of the habit of trying to be all things to all people.

    It all goes with enabler / compulsive helper / overfunctioner.

    I calmly embrace the unknown, the surprise, that which I cannot control.



  322.  #322Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    @313: Pamelala says:
    “…You’re not alone, Ella. I’m lurking around between here and some dating websites…”

    Anything interesting? Any sites ouside of Match dot com (and the Match sites they own: POF, OK Yahoo etc) ?

    xoxo
    SLV



  323.  #323Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Ella, I just quit smoking again (literally three days ago), so I understand very well the eating/emotional correlation. Now that I recognize my triggers (bored, emotional drama, etc.), it’s making it easier not to give in to them. Recognizing this is the 1st step.

    And I have the same desire to be bikini ready too. Workin’ on it!



  324.  #324Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    I didn’t want to post the whole profile again here, I feel like I’m monopolizing your time with this, but I added a couple of paragraphs that I’d like to run past you… Does this first sound desperate or inviting?

    1- While it’s true that you won’t find me in any local watering hole these days, it doesn’t mean you won’t catch me dancing. I just do it around the house with my kids. I tell my boy that chicks dig guys that can dance. So far it’s worked and my dance card is seldom empty. It would feel really sweet to have someone special to slow dance in the kitchen with though.

    And this one…okay?

    2-I’m feeling very intrigued by bucking bulls these days. I would love to own one that was mean in the arena but wanted me to scratch his back in the alley. Shh… don’t tell anyone though, it’s kind of my silly little secret

    I just don’t want to give the wrong impression. I can’t stop thinking about what you guys have already said about the way men take this stuff and so much of it wouldn’t not have crossed my mind… I needed the feedback so much.

    Thank you.
    PG



  325.  #325Cateyes4 on February 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I am sooo glad I found this! YES!!!

    I need some input about what’s going on in my love life and I also need to let you guys know where I’ve been so that this will all make a bit more sense.

    On Dec. 21, 2008, my husband died in an auto accident (on our daughter’s 5th birthday and I was also 7 1/2 months pregnant with our son). It took me about a year just to get off of autopilot and another year to take care of me, my daughter (and she’s a tough little thing), and my son (who literally keeps me on my toes… Ha!).

    I have met a wonderful guy who (sadly) has been down the same road as I except that he doesn’t have any children (his late wife miscarried a year before she died of liver disease).

    We had our first date on New Year’s Eve day (actually two dates in one day). Anywho, we hit it off great and it’s very relaxing around him. He started a new job (corrections officer) and has been working overtime to get ahead financially and get a car (which he did this last weekend). He does text me every day (at least once) but it used to be more than that. I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks now (he has called this last week) so the communication is there but I don’t know where I stand with him and it’s starting to wear me thin from worry about weather this is actually going somewhere or not.

    Advice please!?!



  326.  #326Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Prairie Girl, I like no. 1 but I feel confused reading the second one. Are you really talking about a bull or a boy? If I’m a boy, I’m guessing you want me to be mean to you in public but have sex with you in private. I’m pretty sure that’s not what you mean. 🙂



  327.  #327Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    SLV – I’m on Match, eHarmonty (just for the free communication this month), and ChristianMingle.

    So far, Match has had the most hits.

    Just got an e-mail back from HunkyGuy. We are going to still meet on Friday. He’s concerned that we’re starting behind the eight ball because of what I found on google, but wants to give it a shot. I can really respect that, so we’ll see.

    Also, just connected with a new guy that I’m calling PoetryMan. He’s an inch shorter than I am, but the fact that he’s a poet just snatches my heart. 🙂



  328.  #328Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    @Pamelala

    Thumbs up!

    xoxo
    SLV



  329.  #329Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    @PG

    The dancing is cool but the bull sounds kinda kinky. I thought you were talking about a mechanical bull. 😳

    xoxo
    SLV



  330.  #330Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    #288 SLV
    I just saw that post…
    It’s grade school kids… I started late in life galavanting around the country in my youth… I usually wait until we’re talking to fill them in on all that…

    To answer your question I’m looking for a soul mate. I’m raising my kids just fine and theydon’t need another dad… I do think it would be cool to give them what I didn’t have in a view of a happy relationship… a man that loved their mother and treated her good… but that is NOT the reason I want a man in my life… I want one for ME…lol

    Hmmm… so should I add the bit about the galavanting youth along w/grade school kids?

    You guys, I’m getting excited about this profile… It’s too funny coming from me who was such neg Beeootch a week ago… LMAO..

    PG



  331.  #331Siena on February 8, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Tinque, Daria – others hi and help!

    I’ve been lurking on the boards a little bit, but mostly focusing on life, and things are going good!

    I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months now, and he treats me very well. I feel good with him…mostly.

    Thing is, he lives 2.5 hours away, and I hardly get to see him. I’ve told him that I want to date others, but then really haven’t done it… more because my focus has been elsewhere. He’s getting serious and it’s freaking me out because I don’t know what I want. I feel good when I’m with him, but he doesn’t fit the picture of my perfect man!

    Now an ex-boyfriend has popped back into the picture and has asked me out and I’ve accepted.

    And I feel guilty. Like I’m lying to man #1. I’ve told old bf that I’m dating someone, and he so kindly told me that if I was serious about man #1, I wouldn’t be talking to old bf.

    I feel confused. Old bf is right. I don’t want to mess up with #1 and regret it.

    Please help!

    lots of love xoxo



  332.  #332Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Cateyes4 —

    Sounds like you may have all your eggs in one basket.

    If you’re out meeting other people and keeping busy, then you’re happy when he shows back up.

    If you’re sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, then you’re angry and defensive when you hear from him again; he feels it; he goes away and doesn’t come back.

    So, that doesn’t meet your needs. You got one on the string.

    You might want to focus on filling the rest of your dance card, and guy #1 may start contacting you more often.

    Lisi



  333.  #333Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Siena —

    I disagree with old bf. That’s the kind of logic that gets us into the needy space where we think the guy we’re with is the last one on the planet, and we’ll put up with anything to keep him.

    And then we’re unhappy.

    The truth is — this relationship with guy#1 is new, and you don’t know where it’s headed yet. Sounds like you feel interested, but still uncertain, and you may want a little time to let it work itself out.

    I do agree with you that honesty is the best policy with the guy you’re seeing. Have you seen Rori’s “No Boyfriend” speech?

    You could try giving it to both guys. Then let them react how they react.

    There ya go — 2 cents worth!

    Lisi



  334.  #334Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Real bulls!… LIke on the Professional Bull Riders… I know… I TOLD you I was a redneck! LOL…

    There is one bull named Uncle Buck that is way hard to ride… I saw an “athlete’s” profile on him and the cowboys were all complaining about him… They couldn’t figure him out cuz he’d change and throw them off… Then they went on to show the bull behind the chutes and the stock contractor (owner/handler) is standing there and the bull comes up for him to scratch his back… I LOVED it…

    One guy I met on the cowboy site (we’ve become friends) and did EVERYTHING wrong… called/wrote first, went to him, had a fling for the weekend (I honestly just needed the guy that broke my heart so bad f*cked out of my head and told this guy that)…Split the hotel room, even bought some meals…He told me up front that he’s NOT interested in a relationship but would love fun.. We had a lot of fun.

    ANYWAY.. he raises bucking bulls and I got to meet some of them.. It was the first I knew about how that industry has grown… I just remember as a kid a stock contractor had to supply for the whole rodeo… ALL the animals.. Now there is a market for bulls only.. And I see guys all the time on the dating site saying they are interested in raising them, or do it for a hobby…

    This may not be something I should put on OKcupid huh? I think the guys on the cowboy site would know what I meant, but then again…???? lol maybe not if they’re posers…

    PG



  335.  #335Siena on February 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    yay thanks Lisi!

    Yes, you’re right! It’s still new with #1 and I don’t know where it’s going… and yes, I’ve given him the no bf speech. I feel outside pressure to define where it is going, but I just don’t know!

    Old bf jumbles me up for some reason, and I don’t know why! I don’t feel “in my power” with him… maybe it’s time he saw me in my power! When I dated him, I was sooo not a siren… I was a sad, pathetic doormat.

    Maybe this is redo time!

    Ick, I feel weak right now, and I don’t like it!



  336.  #336Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    @PG,
    “..Hmmm… so should I add the bit about the galavanting youth along w/grade school kids?…”

    Gee, I don’t know. I was hoping some Moms would hop on here. I can brainstorm for that but it’s not in my experience.

    xoxo
    SLV



  337.  #337Cateyes4 on February 8, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Good point Lisi! I am sooo out of sync with the dating thing… LOL…



  338.  #338Tmizz on February 8, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    This is in response to Boomer, and I think a couple of others of you as well.

    (You ladies all write such great stuff, and I try to read it all, but sometimes there just isn’t time!)

    Basically, I also feel frustrated and EXHAUSTED right now by this whole process, and by dating, and life in general.

    So what I feel like doing is taking a break, to focus on MY life, LIVING my live and LOVING my life.

    No one says you HAVE to date anybody, right? But if loving ourselves is important, then I think paying attention and taking a break when needed is definitely in order!

    xoxo



  339.  #339Senior Lady Vibe on February 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    @327: Prairie Girl says:
    “Real bulls!… LIke on the Professional Bull Riders…”

    Wow! IMHO, if it’s an important part of your lifestyle and what you like, put it on your profile…in a way that is very clear and intriguing…the EMK way with examples.

    You have a fantastic profile in the works! OK Cupid has geographic areas, right? Are there a lot of cowboys in your area? They could be on OKCupid too.

    If you don’t get results you want, you could later tweak profile.

    xoxo
    SLV



  340.  #340Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Prairie Girl — you’re soooo taking me back to my youth.

    You know you’re in Montana when the rodeo is the social event of the year.

    Nothing but sagebrush and cowboys.

    It’s a good place to find real men, but I struggled in Big Sky country. I love Montana. I still identify myself as a Montanan. It’s definitely God’s country.

    I backpacked Europe, and the locals would ask where I was from. I’d say “have you seen A River Runs Through It?” It was very popular in Europe, and had just come out.

    I’d tell them I was from there, and they’d look at me like I was the most exotic thing in the world.

    That’s when I realized — “down home” is exotic if you’re on another continent. And the things I find far out are “down home” to someone.

    Montana’s pretty conservative for a free-thinker like me, tho.

    Given your location — guys might get the bull reference. Maybe tell the story about the bull like you told it to us, and say you were intrigued by “Uncle Buck” and have a silly, secret desire to have one.

    *****************************

    There is one bull named Uncle Buck that is way hard to ride… I saw an “athlete’s” profile on him and the cowboys were all complaining about him… They couldn’t figure him out cuz he’d change and throw them off… Then they went on to show the bull behind the chutes and the stock contractor (owner/handler) is standing there and the bull comes up for him to scratch his back…



  341.  #341aspiring siren on February 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Thanks Ella… well the story is long and messy.

    We have never lived close to each other. I met him almost 10 yrs ago through a mutual friend. One night stand. Wasn’t weird at all as neither one of us were expecting anything as we didn’t live near each other. Spoke a few times over group emails but that was about it…

    Years go by and then a few years ago we meet up again and one thing leads to another and one night stand, no expectations … only this time after he went home we started talking ALL the time. We really got to know each other and knew each other better than anyone before in our lives and still liked each other.

    He didn’t want a long distance relationship and I didn’t push much. I dated very little. And i know he hooked up. But we talked almost every night, everyday on email at work, etc so even though it broke my heart sometimes we were honest. It was definitely not an easy relationship given the distance and with no light at the end of the tunnel, I even begged him in our biggest fights to cut me loose, let me go – or just tell me he wanted to be friends and he would always say I’m not going to tell you that… because I don’t know that. Then I would beg him to leave me alone which wouldn’t happen.

    Things took a turn a year or so ago and we got into a blow up and stopped talking. He almost immediately got a gf. 3 months went by and he started contacting me again. GF and all. We talked quite often even though he had a gf. This went on for months and things got too hard for me to handle as i felt constantly heartbroken and we stopped talking again. I wrote a huge letter and let him have it… I was not nice. I was done and he knew it. He said I’m sorry and I told him I felt horrible for some of the things I said to him in that letter and he told me he understood and that I had the right. And the silence began.

    But only for a few months. I thought there is no way he is going to drag me back into this after everything I said to him if something in his life hadn’t changed. He started texting emailing calling and I ignored for a little while and then I eventually gave in and within a few weeks he asked me away for the weekend and I went. I asked him why can’t he just let me go and not come back and he said he because and I quote ” i feel like someday I’m going to need you” Had a great time! only to find out later that the gf was still in the pic.

    I don’t know why I didn’t ask beforehand but like I said I thought there is NO way after everything I said that he would ever even contact me again. So i point blanked him and asked him and he said yes he was still dating her. Crushed. I sent him an email and said..(short version) I couldn’t believe he drug me back into this when nothing had changed when it seemed like from my perspective something had. In the same email I also told him to do me a favor and in a few months when he decides he misses me and he’s sitting there getting ready to send me a text(etc) because he thinks enough time has passed that I had cooled .. don’t just stay gone. I felt horrible and strong all at the same time.

    He apologized and I said nothing. I felt so angry.

    And I had to see him at a function the next weekend(the gf wan’t going to be there). I ignored him the first night almost completely. He was trying for that not to happen and I wasn’t having any part of it… and he knew it. I even ended up leaving early. The next day I had pulled myself together a little more and was gracious (best word i could come up with) to him. Not overly friendly and not mean. Gracious. I found out something that day that he had done the night before and I was so hurt. And a few days after he returned home I blasted him in an email and told him whatever hesitation I had about telling him to stay gone I guess I shouldn’t have any now.

    I was so angry and hurt. He said nothing for awhile but has tried to contact me since and I have ignored.

    I know I can’t have what I want with him right now. And even though he is the biggest @$$hole on the planet sometimes, I still love him. You can’t help who your heart picks.

    I don’t want to try and maintain a relationship with him right now… too hard. I don’t even want closure. I said some really harsh things to him things I won’t repeat here and that I’m not ever sure he will forgive me for. And I guess I just want things not to feel so bad and ugly.

    Feel like I need to take responsibilty for my feelings without blaming him – think that would feel much better than blasting him.



  342.  #342Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Bwaaahahah!

    SLV: Shades of “moustache rides.” I still absolutely lose it when I see that reference. My kids are wondering what’s wrong with me right now.

    Lisi: LOVE the Sharon Valerii/Boomer quote! I went as Boomer for Halloween last year, complete with octagonal dog tags and half-unzipped flight suit. Nobody got it but me, but I felt awesome!!!



  343.  #343Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    RE 303 Aspiring Siren It might be best if you give a summary or better some detail of the conversation. If you were setting boundaries, even in anger he might be respecting them. If you were wrong and subsequently ignored him it might be okay to apologize and indicate that he can talk to you when he is ready. You however would have to realize that he might have moved on or not willing to accept the apology. However knowing more of the context would help in getting a more related response. I believe however that we need to know how we fight and if we are wrong should be mature enough to apologize, I don’t consider that leaning forward. If we act immature we will attract immaturity.



  344.  #344aspiring siren on February 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    RE336- Femininewoman- Thanks I didn’t really think of it that way… maybe he is respecting what I am asking of him even though it feels like he never wants to talk to me again…. Feel afraid he may be gone forever.

    Its a bit long but I explained most of my situation in post 334..



  345.  #345Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    PG, about the kids reference in your profile…

    Bear with me here as I articulate my own thought process for the profiles I write.

    I have four children, from 7 to 17. I am a proud mama. But I’m clearly looking for a man for myself and not a daddy for them. Dating is for me. So I do not refer specifically to “I have four kids” anywhere in my profiles. I may mention that they like to dance with reckless abandon with me or that their creativity brings me joy, but I frame my references to them in terms of MY experience of them.

    Several men have told me that it’s refreshing that I don’t say the typical “I am a mother first and foremost…” line and that I don’t whack them over the head with “I AM A MOMMY!” Yes, it’s clear I have kids, but it’s also clear that I am on the site for myself.

    I have to say too, that I find it off-putting when a man says “my kids come first” or “I am a father first and foremost,” almost like he’s challenging women to even try to come between him and his offspring and that he’s warning you that he’ll never actually have time for you.

    Cuz, ya know, yeah, most of us online in this age group do have kids…we all try to be good parents (most of us anyway), and it just kinda goes without saying. So I don’t say it.

    My suggestion would be to not mention your kids in your first sentence/paragraph. How do you define Prairies Girl other than as a mother??? How do you want your future lover and best friend to think of you? As a mother first and foremost??? Probably not, right? I’d concentrate on YOU in your profile and not mention your mother status as the primary way you identify yourself in a forum where you are looking for a partner for YOU.

    Sent with love and admiration and much thought from my own situation…



  346.  #346Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Aspiring Siren after reading 334 I felt it might be best to let things rest, at least for a while. If things doesn’t work out and he feels he needs you in the future I feel he will try to see you. It might be more exciting for you then and your value and degree of difficulty will be higher. For guys there is no love without respet. I feel he will definitely respect you if you stay away for a while.



  347.  #347Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Boomer – I’m with you re: when men write “my kids are my life” or “my kids will always come first.” I believe that for any relationship to be healthy, the couple must put themselves first. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that says, “we know that in order to be the most effective parents we can be, we must put ourselves first so that we can be there for our kids.” I think a lot of relationships fall apart because the kids are placed in the wrong position as ‘little rulers’ of the family. Ugh, obviously I have some feelings about this.

    Anyway, when I see that on a man’s profile, I don’t communicate with him because I know, from experience, that he’s telling me that I will always come second. That’s not what I’m looking for.

    OK, done rambling about that little hot button issue for me 😉

    PG – I agree with Boomer’s insights. Might be good to say, “I am one hot cowgirl….) lol



  348.  #348Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    RE 338 Boomer I am with you on that I just wasn’t sure how to phrase it. Reason being I have read elsewhere to say something like “I feel blessed to have two georgous children who help to make my life…………….



  349.  #349Daria on February 8, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Femininewoman I notice you practicing and getting Rori’s tools really well – as I see it.

    I would like to point out something that I hope will help…

    I often notice you using feel, as a replacement for “think”

    I think it’s great that you’re practicing including “feel” and it would feel great to see you really getting your feeling messages on.

    Using feel instead of I think won’t do it – Rori talks about this in Reconnect Your Relationship.

    For example:

    ” I felt it might be best to let things rest”

    is actually using feel insted of think – there are no feelings being expressed there

    you’re actually saying

    I think it might be best to let things rest.

    Feelings are not ideas, so it doesn’t work to use feel with them.

    “I feel good. I feel worried about what would happen if you don’t let things rest.

    I feel concerned about the outcome.

    It might feel better to let things rest.

    I would feel better to let things rest”

    etc



  350.  #350Marie on February 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Femininewoman

    See 278… I dont know if you saw it and would like your opinion/advice! Thanks I really appreciate it!

    Marie



  351.  #351Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Thanks Daria. I have been debating with myself if I should get Reconnect or Commitment Blueprint next.



  352.  #352Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Siena – hugs! Do you have Targeting Mr. Right?

    Maybe having a Marathon of that or one of Rori’s other Programs will help boost your confidence about Circular Dating



  353.  #353Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    RE 278 Marie Rori teaches playing it cool doesn’t work because the guys smell it and sees right through it. It is best to circular date and share your vulnerability using feeling messages. Hopefully Daria will respond also while I look for the post.



  354.  #354Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Femininewoman – you don’t need to get it just for that…

    what Rori says is, if you can use “that” after it, it’s not a feeling message… its a thought

    ex:

    I think THAT it would be better to

    I feel THAT = non feeling message! = I think

    when i started with feeling messages, I just used a few because of feeling afraid to use them fully:

    I feel bad and I feel good

    I feel hot, I feel thirst, I feel hungry

    hehe!

    🙂

    PS – I’d go with Commitment Blueprint – BIG program, LOTS OF STUFF



  355.  #355Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Marie – yes! I have felt like this!

    here’s the deal… we have to STOP! Babysteps

    we have to KNOW we’re hard to get, high degree of difficulty as Rori calls it – because we NATURALLY are.

    We don’t have to keep up a guard and TRY to be.

    and how do we know? BECAUSE WE CIRCULAR DATE!

    this makes us have a high degree of difficulty. we do NOT commit to one man unless he’s offerring the full package of what we want, and we feel SECURE and HAPPY about it – the lifetime commitment

    commiting to OURSELVES this way makes us naturally mysterious and attractive.

    Having BOUNDARIES – saying NO that doesn’t feel good when it’s true – keeps us attractive even Within our marriage

    along with feminine energy leaning back – if we’re in feminine energy, we are constanly mysterious and attractive, because we never push towards him… so he will always be coming toward us

    AND

    we have to stay OPEN AND WARM while doing this ! instead of playing cool.

    It feels vulnerable, it can feel anxiety making because it triggers our insecurities, memories from the past, etc…

    and that’s GOOD. we soothe ourselves and heal ourselves

    and keep being VULNERABLE

    VULNERABLE and expressing it is ATTRACTIVE!! it’s our natural feminine mystery

    Modern Siren is a great Rori program about attraction and how to be in our feminine energy



  356.  #356Becky on February 8, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    Ladies,

    Someone stop me if I shouldn’t do this but I’m going to send the following text to the guy from E-Harmony who wined and dined me for 6 weeks and then disappeared:

    I feel a little confused not hearing anything back and yes a little sad. A ten second explanation is all that I would hope for and even though it’s awkward- Lord knows I’ve had to give my fair share of them- that is something to respect.

    What do you think, Ladies? If it’s a bad idea, tell me why, por favor!



  357.  #357Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    @340 Pamelala —

    I want to look at the other side for a minute.

    I waited 7 years to have a relationship after I had my daughter — Buddhist Guy. One of the reasons the relationship fell apart was that he wanted all my attention, and that he competed with my daughter for my attention, then got angry at her.

    I felt an uncomfortable closeness in that relationship, like I was being stifled. I remember looking across the room & thinking, “this guy will wrap every part of his life around mine until it’s nearly impossible for me to get away.” That was the beginning of the end.

    Somewhere in the middle, there’s a balance. I admire a man who’s a serious parent. I don’t want one who’s skipped out on a kid.

    I agree that the adult relationship has to be a priority in order for the adults to parent together — but it can go too far the other way as well.

    I avoid guys who seem smothering. I want one with some independence.

    But, my situation is different, as well. I had my daughter on my own, and her biological is not involved. She doesn’t know him. She’s looking for a dad. Whoever I marry will be the only dad she knows. So, that colors my thoughts on the subject.

    Lisi



  358.  #358Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Becky,

    I think it’s a bad idea because you are putting yourself in a one-down, needing something from him position.

    He knows that he walked away without a word. He knows that it would be more respectable to say why. He is also choosing the easy way out. He’s showing you who he is…believe him.

    Until you hear otherwise, go with: he left because he wasn’t the guy I deserved and wasn’t willing to behave in an honorable way.

    The end.



  359.  #359life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    @250 SLV
    @232: life_is_too_short_to… says:
    “…From my experience with a couple of them, though, they don’t seem to get nearly as much traffic as the big ones like Match, eharmony, plentyoffish and OKCupid…”

    SLV “But it could be that targetted traffic is worth more than big numbers of the general variety.”

    L: Yes, very well could be. I didn’t have any luck at all on spiritualsingles. The big ones are a big soup, there’s more activity, with a lot of both trash and treasure. I also don’t want so much to identify with any specific identity or group, because I like to get out of my comfort zone. I do think it;s a good idea and I may investigate again.

    Here’s the link to the article/video

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/

    From cat lovers to Trekkies: 17 niche dating sites

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  360.  #360Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Siena – i feel a bit helpless

    I want to encourage you…

    to really step into your power and accept worship from all the men around you in your life… and in your DATING

    in business you would not cut it off at one client, right?

    more clients makes more practice/experience, makes you look more professional and attractive

    Dating is similar

    there is no commitment to one man –

    until its THE COMMITMENT

    you have to do this FOR YOURSELF. You DESERVE to have the RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT

    not the dating-one-man-that-he-thinks-he-wants

    GET COMFORTABLE WITH THAT GUILT!

    love that guilt! love the fears behind it… you don’t have to explore the Why behind it, unless it’s helpful to you. Loving it will heal it

    love you love your guilt

    and yes, ex bf’s from presirenhood are good practice to setting boundaries to keep us from falling back into old patterns

    because it’s so easy to fall right back in to the old “groove”!

    so babysteps. Maybe saying… hmm that doesn’t feel good to hear.

    and…

    as Targeting Mr. Right mantra says :

    DATE MORE THAN THREE

    KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME

    UNTIL THERE’S A RING

    AND IT FEELS GOOD!

    all 4 lines are important.



  361.  #361Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Lisi,

    I have been in that same situation with my ex. He resented my son and wanted to possess me. That’s so unhealthy…I had to leave to protect both my son and I.

    The thing I’m talking about is putting children in a one-up, power position where they can manipulate the adults in their world and sabotage the relationship because the parents have no boundaries.

    I wish I could come up with a good example, but I’m sleepy. I think you understand what I mean though.

    Yes, it’s all about a balance.



  362.  #362Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Becky – that feels ICK! please don’t !

    and yes I notice you and a few other women seem to think that men owe us an explanation for no longer asking us out –

    THEY DON’T!

    they have a right to not ask us out, they don’t have to clarify –

    I [ersonally would FEEL ANGRY TO HAVE SOMEONE CLARIFY WHY THEY DON’T WANT TO SEE ME!

    THAT DOESNT FEEL GOOD TO HEAR!!

    EFF THAT!

    and it’s just a useless – (how is it useful? if he’s busy, so what, if he doesn’t like my hair for examply, how do i know it’s something i need to change and not something only about him?) – to us

    except as a way to attempt to control – the outcome, him

    it’s as Rori calls it “his business”

    expecting him to tell you something is the same as getting all in his head about what he’s thinking…

    it’s about CONTROL

    I encourage you to not send that and instead feel your feelings, love yourself with them, write them down, write about him, vent about him, even about him not telling you why he’s not calling,

    but don’t try to control and blame him by sending him lean forward messages about what he “should have done” according to your judgements of behavior

    if he were to contact you, you can express your feelings :

    “i felt so bad not hearing from you for so long. I feel angry about that! ”

    or…

    maybe

    “wow i feel so surprised to hear from you! i feel really excited… and … a little bad… it felt awful to not hear from you for so long. i felt kind of abandoned and then angry and i dont want to feel that way with a man…what do you think?



  363.  #363Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    RE 350 Lisi I have heard a guy named Guy Blues who suggested that a guy can be a great dad but a terrible partner. Your comments also suggest that your feelings are second as your daughter is the priority. Remember she will grow up one day. Hope I don’t sound harsh but it seems there is a need to make your feelings more of a priority.



  364.  #364lm on February 8, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    hey ladies!

    i just wanted to post about milestone i’ve reached in my dating life. i feel so good! i have two dates this week with different guys. i never thought i’d be able to CD and once i made the decision to let a guy who isn’t my ex in they just seem to show up out of nowhere. i am a little nervous because one of them is a blind date (i know rori isn’t into blind dates because it’s not your energy pulling him in), but i really want to fill that night in my calendar and i feel ok about it! the other guy went on a date with me once and has been texting me almost every day. and i am still keeping the ex in the rotation but am working on giving him no special attention. baby steps!

    eeek!



  365.  #365Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    when i write advice here on the blog i hear voices like

    who does she think she is

    who is this daria

    she thinks she’s all that

    she thinks she’s better than us

    ugh i resent her

    i don’t like her

    i can’t stand her

    🙁

    i love my nasty voices

    i feel scared they are true

    i love my fear

    yes i am holding this energy maybe from 3rd grade

    i love my bossy know it all energy

    yum
    me
    !

    i rock

    i am defending

    i am feeling super vulnerable and sad and disappointed and misunderstood and inept and left out and helpless



  366.  #366Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    IM – Rori says to let your girlfriends set you up! blind dates are cool…

    yes the pulling him in factor is missing, but hey, he’s magically interested since he’s showing up…

    it’s like meeting him at a grocery store



  367.  #367Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Becky —

    I totally agree with Daria on this one.

    Getting comfortable with lack of closure is hard.

    It means letting a guy walk away with no explanation, and maybe never seeing him again.

    It means moving on with meeting your own needs and not fixating on him.

    It means putting the focus back where it belongs — you, your life, etc….

    And, in the end, it also leaves the door open if he ever did want to come back through it.

    If you sort through your motivations, part of why you want to send that email is because you want him to come back.

    Realizing that he’s more likely to come back if you say NOTHING is a powerful thing.

    You’re more likely to get your needs met by this guy, or any other guy BECAUSE you didn’t need closure.

    It really is in your best interest, and that’s how you can come to terms with lack of closure.



  368.  #368lm on February 8, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    really? maybe i imagined that! ha! sweet!

    i feel exciiiited!



  369.  #369Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Daria – I feel understanding of you NVs. I hear the same messages, but would like to say that I am thankful for your wisdom and the freedom with which you share it. You are a valuable voice to me.



  370.  #370lm on February 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    i am watching TMR. i love the idea of letting a man go when he’s ‘too much effort’.

    sigh.



  371.  #371Femininewoman on February 8, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Becky I agree with the others, plus it’s only been six weeks. He might have been doing it to convince himself you were a good fit. He might have recognized you as the type of girl he could take home to mom but might not be ready yet. He might have other business to take care of before moving it forward. He might need to go in his cave to process the intimacy and feel his masculinity again, remember they don’t handle emotions well. He might need to miss you to know he really likes.

    It can be any number of things but its his business. Your business is NEXT. Avoid the instant relationship move guys hate it. I had one tell me today “you let me lead”. It felt weird hearing it but it was a lesson. I had walked away because I had options and never gave him a second thought. He also repeated the word respect a lot while telling me I made his body shiver. It was really eye-opening for me.



  372.  #372Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    @356 Femininewoman —

    You know, I don’t think I’m in the space where my daughter comes ahead of me.

    All relationships are a balance. I realized after I started dating that it put a distance between my daughter and I — that she was no longer the ONLY thing in my world — and that was good for both of us.

    I remain open to her needs and her experience. While I am looking for a mate and a partner for me, it is simultaneously true that man will be the only father she’ll know.

    As a good mom, I take her perspective into account, but I’m not ruled by her.

    And, it’s true that there are guys that are good dads, but are bad at being romantic partners. That wouldn’t work for me, either.

    I came to know in my relationship with Buddhist Guy that I need SPACE. I feel really upset with Super Leaned Forward Has No Boundaries Guy.

    He wanted sex all the time, tho. I enjoyed being chased for sex!

    Lisi



  373.  #373Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Daria, I feel such love for your voice on the blog. So funny that you would write about your nasty voices right when I’m feeling such intense love and caring coming through. The universe is balanced. 🙂



  374.  #374Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    You guys those are really good points about the kids… I keep seeing things I never noticed before!!!!!

    I put “mother first and foremost”, but at the same time felt like Pam when I saw that on a guys profile… felt put off, like I’ll never be more than second place to him…

    I don’t want a dad for them. You are right it is a fine line.

    I agree, it probably shouldn’t be on my first line… Good point… You guys are really amazing… I keep being blown away by your insights… Thank you for being so patient with me.

    PG



  375.  #375Marie on February 8, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Daria,

    Thank you so much for the response. It really puts things into perspective. Can I ask you to assess this situation b/c you really seem like you know what your talking about … See my first post 267 – that will give you a background on what is this current issue. Then read the follow up below..

    I slept w/ this guy on Sunday. I told him after that I thought it was a little too soon – We are both pretty open and say whatever is on our minds. I dont know if that turned him off. In the last 2 days I havent talked to him much at all. The last 2 weeks he was texting me almost everyday, so it seems alittle weird. I work w/ him 2 days a week at his family’s restaurant so I will see him on Friday.

    Should I totally lean back (not text/call him) the rest of the week until I see him on Friday, and then see what happens?? I am trying not to over-analyze anything but I want to see what you think…



  376.  #376Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Siena, HI! I see you’ve gotten several posts already. Old BF joined in with your nasty voice that says you must decide RIGHT NOW about your current man. And of course he’s going to downplay that relationship. That’s his competition. I really liked what Daria said. Old BFs are the perfect practice for boundaries. In fact, I have one coming back myself. He’s getting a divorce and I told him yesterday that I wouldn’t talk with him until that was final. He sent me a message today saying “hey”. Old me would have replied. New me has said her boundary and is keeping it. I pressed delete. 🙂

    So what you feel unsure about these two. Is the one man telling you the plan? If he’s getting serious, then what’s the plan? He’s there, you’re here. Ok, what’s the plan?

    Wasn’t that a line in Desperate Housewives or something? “Tell me the plan”. Anyone remember that?



  377.  #377Daria on February 8, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    LISI- oh i feel so energized reading what you wrote… was looking for a “like” button then realized, this isn’t facebook!

    great way to put it yes

    we get MORE by doing NOTHING and when we get this, it helps

    that’s what stopped me from leaning forward… when i started… reminding myself… everytime i DONT call, he’ll like me more he’ll like me more

    i wasn’t very self focused, but those babysteps got me there



  378.  #378Prairie Girl on February 8, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Daria you are “all that”… and a bag of chips!

    You are so amazing.. I see you grow and learn every day and everytime you get down you get back up stronger, braver, more beautiful…

    You are not acting “better” than anyone when you share here… You are being generous and loving and amazing and to give your hard earned knowledge to those of us who have just started learning…

    You are making the path easier for us so we can learn from your experiences both good and bad…

    You are an lovely siren angel and I am very grateful for your presence here…

    Take that nasty voices! I don’t love NV yet… I’m working on it…

    Angels on your body.
    PG



  379.  #379Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Daria —

    It’s like “the little engine that could”

    as you’re pressing delete (YAYAYAYAY Shannon!), not calling, texting, etc…..

    “He’ll like me more….he’ll like me more…”

    I think I can

    I think I can



  380.  #380Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    wow ladies thank you!

    what would you think if i ran like a teleseminar,

    where i took questions and answered them thoroughly – accoring to my understanding of Rori’s materials – and also led a participant through some of Rori’s exercises, such as Man Woman interaction, or the Stranger Exercise, or discover your Inner Warrior… or love your feelings in your body

    I could also maybe give like a week of unlimited email answering about situations and even unlimited phone

    I know Rori of course does coaching and sometimes Teleseminars … she is really busy though

    i could do it myself for cool prices like $10 for unlimited email help a week or $ 10 for a teleseminar

    ***
    cringe/fear!

    ***

    that would feel so fun!

    i wonder if anyone would show up…



  381.  #381Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    wow i feel like super appreciated and loved right now! 🙂

    and also still fearful and all that and i lvoe my FEAR!

    yay!



  382.  #382lm on February 8, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    daria, i’d totally pay for that! i would love your CDing advice. it’s sort of scary and fascinating and i’d like to talk to someone who has experience!



  383.  #383life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Daria
    “we get MORE by doing NOTHING and when we get this, it helps

    that’s what stopped me from leaning forward… when i started… reminding myself… everytime i DONT call, he’ll like me more he’ll like me more”

    My experimenting and practicing with this has proved this to be true! He likes you more and he respects you more. And the bonus is, I like ME more, too, and that makes me more attractive and siren-y.

    It does not take much to come off as needy and clingy and that makes them get turned off and run.

    It has become very easy for me to never call or text first, even months in, like a new habit I have created. I don’t even have to be disciplined or think about it. Yay! Points for me!

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  384.  #384Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Daria, I keep wondering how old you are and am guessing that you are wise beyond your years. I am finding your advice and suggestions incredibly helpful.

    I like your “imagine the curve of your butt” trick. I used it all weekend on my various CDs and anytime I felt like I was losing my rock star-ness. It was awesome!

    You help a lot of women on here. Brava!



  385.  #385Siena on February 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Thanks Daria and SS – I needed a jolt of feminine wisdom!

    Daria, you are “all that!” – don’t let your nvs tell you differently! I have all Rori’s CDs, but haven’t listened in a while… I’ll dig them out and listen, thanks for the idea!

    SS, re- the plan. Ugh. #1 is starting to talk about marriage and children, and I can feel the ILY coming. But he’s soooo far away (2.5 hours) and totally rooted where he lives because of work and he has a child from a previous marriage. So the plan includes me moving. And you know what!? I don’t really feel good moving right now! I have to move from where I’m currently living, but I don’t want to move from the area necessarily!

    And I don’t feel good dating someone long distance either.

    On the other hand, he’s a strong man who is totally grounded and solid, and I’m a little flighty. Life with him would be very solid and safe. I love feeling solid and safe!

    The truth is, neither of these are the relationships I want. But if all me are mirrors or messengers, what that tells me is that I’m not the relationship I want either!

    I feel myself overthinking this and it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach (which is good, bc my heart is rebelling being reasoned with!)

    I need a hot bubble bath!

    xoxo



  386.  #386Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    I feel so relieved to hear other women express that they are women first and mommy second!! I love my children. I really do but I am not a martyr. I don’t get how parents give up themselves in order to take junior to all his activities and completely lose themselves to parenthood. They are going to grow up and become their own person. If I’m only mommy for 18 years, who will I be when they leave home? I don’t want to be that mom, anymore than I want to be the girl who loses herself in her husband.

    I am a girl first. I am ME first.

    Yeah!! I feel happy!!



  387.  #387SummerBaby on February 8, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Daria I feel curious, do you have all of Rori’s programs?

    Summerbaby



  388.  #388Marie on February 8, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Yea Daria… you are awesome! I would e-mail you all the time for advice! haha. I’m sitting in anticipation right now just waiting to see what your gonna say about my little situation…. b/c I know its gonna be good!



  389.  #389Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Marie – absolutely! lean back!

    when i hear – too soon – my guess perhaps your feelings might have been … “I feel vulnerable now after sex” … that would be a great feeling message to share

    and yes, don’t text him, call him, say hi to him first, let him initiate

    DO look him in the eye for 5 sec and smile when you first see him and after when you notice him looking at you

    DO respond to his texts using feeling messages and whenever it feels good to you to do so – either right away or after some time, depending on how you feel, NOT on what it his reaction might be

    DO give yourself love, consider yourself a rockstar, know that you will be OK no matter what, with or without him, and that you have sex for YOU and ADMIRE yourself and consider yourself AWESOME no matter what you do and how vulnerable, scared, or happy you feel



  390.  #390Buttery on February 8, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Daria, I really appreciate your wise advice to sirens on this blog. I learn so much just from reading some of your replies, you are a siren extraordinaire!!



  391.  #391lm on February 8, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    what is the curve of your butt trick????



  392.  #392life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    @373 Daria

    Use your boy energy and Go Get it, Girl !

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  393.  #393Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Summerbaby – yes i do! 🙂



  394.  #394Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Siena, I feel curious if you’ve expressed any of this to him. Is the plan what he’s told you, or is it what you think he’ll tell you? You don’t have to move you know. And you don’t have to date long distance. Be surprised. Who knows…

    Nothing has to be tied up in a pretty bow. Not in real life anyway.



  395.  #395T-Girl on February 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    LOL, I want to know what the curve of your butt trick is too!



  396.  #396Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Yes Daria! I’m in!! <3



  397.  #397Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    wow this feels SO SCARY

    we can start right now! 🙂

    if you guys want to start the $10 week of unlimited e-mail advice then click on my name – goes to my blog – and hit the huge

    “Donate to the Goddess” picture on top to paypal me

    you can let me know who you are in the personal message part when it goes thru

    I’ll try to answer you right away when I read the e-mail, but it def should be at least once everyday probably way more as you see i’m online a lot 🙂



  398.  #398Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    But my butt has no curve!! Ahhh, the curse of the flat butted woman. Makes me wanna do some yoga.



  399.  #399Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    shaking with terror (is that excitement??) waah :((( :)))



  400.  #400lm on February 8, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    i’m gonna do it daria!



  401.  #401Boomer on February 8, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Daria, explain the butt thing!



  402.  #402Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Daria,

    I think the teleseminars and e-mail advice are great ideas. My only concern is Rori’s copyright. Might want to send her a quick e-mail to get her thoughts.

    Don’t want to be a buzzkill, but thought I should bring it up so that you don’t get too far into it and then run into trouble.

    K, back to our regularly scheduled chatting. 🙂



  403.  #403Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Pamelala – just “feel” or see in your imagination the soft (or rough if you like that hehe) skin on the top of your buttocks…

    if you have an existing gluteus maximus muscle, you have enuf curve for this!



  404.  #404SummerBaby on February 8, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    SS @ 379,

    That was me. I did that. I gave up my entire identity for my husband and children. Then I got divorced and didn’t know who I was anymore…. and then the kids left, all at once, and once again, I was in a sort of identity crisis.

    It’s great when you can hold on to yourself and continue to give to yourself while still being a wife and parent… I am working on learning all that now a little late but hopefully not too late, because I surrendered myself completely to the other roles.

    Summerbaby



  405.  #405Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    LOL nice, Daria. I think that image, sensation and resulting internal confidence would go well with the “smiling to yourself” tool. Watch out HunkyGuy…your good looks can’t intimidate me!



  406.  #406Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Pamelala – thank you for reminding me of that I thought of that but just forgot again in my excitement

    yes, I will check it out with her but of course this will be DARIA advice and not Rori. But I have been inspired mucho by Rori. I will be using my own ideas and exercises and it will be based on my thinking… which as you notice has been heavily influenced by Rori

    but the “curve of the butt” thing is my own tool!

    Rori encourages some other coaches who sometimes post on here so I forsee no problem…



  407.  #407Marie on February 8, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Daria,

    I completely see what you’re saying…. about loving yourself and being true to yourself and making the guy secondary. I am really excited to try things this way.

    I’m feeling a little nervous about doing it though b/c i’ve never truly circular dated. I feel like it will be tough for me b/c when I have my eye set on someone, they consume my thoughts and it seems like it will be hard to have a good time w/ another guy, when i’m thinking about someone else. Do you see what I mean?

    Was this tough for you at first too?



  408.  #408Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    re #399 Great. Yeah, I was just referring to if you were going to teach Rori’s specific tools. Then you’d need to check that out with her, but if you’re using your own, you should be free and clear.

    Isn’t it great to find a way to use your passion to help others and make some money at the same time. Yay, way to be creative and create your own joy.



  409.  #409lm on February 8, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    your paypal link isn’t working for me, daria.



  410.  #410Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    #400 Marie,

    I was thinking the same thing…that I wouldn’t be able to be ‘present’ with a new CD because I was obsessing about my favorite. But, actually, it hasn’t worked out that way. CDing has helped me to not obsess. It’s really powerful to know that by not obsessing, you’re actually drawing him near instead of pushing him away.

    Wishing you luck and confidence as you give it a shot.



  411.  #411SummerBaby on February 8, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Daria,

    I’m seeing one guy and talking to others. If I want him to be the one to step up and commit and he’s able, which program would you recommend I get to work on my part?

    I get confused between the descriptions, cuz they all sound like something I could use, but I need to do one at a time.

    thanks,
    Summerbaby



  412.  #412femenrgylove on February 8, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    hmmm,i’ve never had a problem attracting men,keeping them….different story….so what do i do when i attract them that i do not do when i’m with them?lean back.oh yeah.baby steps.



  413.  #413Simply Shannon on February 8, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Summerbaby, DITTO!! That’s exactly what I did. Well actually I became the mommy martyr because I thought I sucked at being a wife (hated my husband, he was gone all the time, drunk a lot, no sex, blah blah blah). Pretty much I had no life other than my kids. Life is a vacuum like that. Don’t fill it with anything and something will come along and suck up all the space! Note to self: kids take up a LOT of space. 🙂

    I did the same thing after getting divorced too. I suddenly had all this free time (when the kids went to their dad’s house). At first I just went shopping a lot. LOL! 😀 Then I found stuff that I loved to do. Now I’m pretty particular about having ME time.



  414.  #414Siena on February 8, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Hi SS, yes, we’ve talked lots about it. Okay, I’m open to hearing that me moving and dating ld are not the only 2 options. I wonder what another better option might be?!? I’m waiting to be surprised.



  415.  #415Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Im –

    hmm… i feel confused why it wouldn’t work…

    i click on it and it takes me to “donate with paypal”

    anyway, we can start with the e-mails and figure out the paypal later

    e-mail me at magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com



  416.  #416Marie on February 8, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Pamelala,

    Its so great to hear that it was tough for you too! I am going to try it out but I know its going to be a difficult task for me. I’ve always been a 1 man kind of girl, so this concept is a little foreign to me.

    Did you find that the guy you considered your “favorite” came around more when you were CDing?

    Im just scared of giving off the wrong impression to the guy im really into – I don’t want to give off that “slut” impression… if you know what i mean..



  417.  #417Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Marie – YES!!! and honestly, the ‘consuming my thoughts’ stuff still happens

    sometimes

    sometimes NOT though… i babystep to gently refocusing on me

    HOWEVER… i also get a lil THRILL of seeing a different guy when i know i am feeling hung up on another

    i sometimes judge myself as that may be an insecurity of mine – as in, i want to feel POWERFUL through this…

    or maybe the judgement about it is my insecurity! (too much thinking here)

    it works to keep me CDing!



  418.  #418Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Marie,

    I just started CDing in the past 2 weeks. My favorite is still adjusting to my leaning back. There is a LOT of overfunctioning to overcome, so I’m just giving him space and not worrying about what he chooses to do.

    He did contact me once over the weekend when he found out that I had a flood in my house. But hasn’t contacted me outside of that for a week and a half.

    It’s just of utmost importance to remember that you can’t force him to pay attention to you. You can only be an invitation.

    Perhaps you need to have the sexually exclusive talk with your favorite? You aren’t CDing so that you can have sex with random guys. You are CDing to take care of you, to practice the tools, and to see if Mr. Right ends up sitting opposite you at the dinner table.

    Hope this helps,
    Pam



  419.  #419Daria on February 8, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Marie – you were asking Pamelala … I am feeling excited and want to comment on the “slut” thing.

    This is something that sometimes comes up for me…

    sometimes its my head, sometimes its a guy who actually says something like that, sometimes it’s both – which makes sense

    once, when a guy started abusing me this way (calling me Slut) Rori asked me – are you telling YOURSELF you’re a slut?

    magically we notice and get triggered from the outside by things that are already INSIDE

    so,

    i reassure myself consistently that I AM WORTHY AND ADMIRABLE

    and that I AM POWERFUL AND I OWN MY SEXUALITY

    and i am WORTHY and have the RIGHT to choose what to do with my body

    even fu9ck the whole world of men, women, dogs and trees if i want to!

    then i feel rockstarry!

    then yes, the men are more attracted to me.

    ***

    but i don’t have a primary – instead, men come and go

    as it keeps going on, they treat me better and better, offering me more and more

    im at a stage where several men are offering me move in with future marriage now

    – it seems to be common that they come in groups, when one offers better treatment, more show up with same – its a vibe thing i think

    however, they also are coming strong and going fast

    oh well

    i’m getting better and better

    soon i’ll be getting rings

    and

    only one actually has to stick around



  420.  #420Daria on February 8, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Summerbaby – Commitment Blueprint



  421.  #421Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    I’m headed to bed. G’nite Siren Island. May your sleep tonight be sweet.



  422.  #422Pamelala on February 8, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    P.S. I think I’m liking PoetryMan…pursuing like crazy, random musical references and “I’m glad to know I you feel xxxx”…he really pays attention. Eeeeeh 🙂



  423.  #423SummerBaby on February 8, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you Daria. I clicked on your link and got a blogger not found message.

    I must say goodnight now. It’s been one hella day!

    I didn’t want to be alone. I hung out with people all day. I leaned forward again too…

    sigh… baby steps. tomorrow I will try again… lean back. breathe!

    Summerbaby



  424.  #424Daria on February 8, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Summerbaby – thanks for pointing that out… i typed it in wrong in the “website” line… i felt overwhelmed by excitedment

    it is now working!



  425.  #425life_is_too_short_to... on February 8, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    409 Marie

    just to share my experience with you in case it helps a little,
    I tend to go around in circles with this too.

    From comments he makes, I get the distinct impression that #1 CD sometimes believes I could be “using” him for sex, which I am not, or dating him until someone “better” shows up.

    At my request, we agreed on sexual exclusivity. I said i was still going to date. He didn’t say anything but still has his profiles up.

    Perhaps he doesn’t really yet know that if he steps up in the way that i need him to in order to win me, he could be the guy. Or else he doesn’t know what he wants. Or maybe he is waiting for me to hide my profile first.

    I DON’T KNOW

    From reading this blog and rori’s e letters last couple of days, it has helped me to just forget about figuring out his part and just have fun.

    I have two other guys in the circle. One I have gone out with twice and the other one is waiting for me to write back to him, we haven’t met yet.

    I felt a little guilty going out with CD #2. and noticed my feelings that I really didn’t want CD#1 to date other women, but if i am dating other men, why shouldnt he date other women.

    I am training my mind to stop the thinking about it and trying to figure out what any of these guys are thinking about me, the relationship, or what they might be planning or what they are going to do.

    If they keep calling you and asking you on dates, and things are going pretty smoothly, I am feeling good both in and out of their presence, and we are enjoying each other, then that’s pretty much all I need to know right now.

    I am feeling much more peaceful, happy and lighthearted now!

    Keep us posted

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  426.  #426Daria on February 8, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    ladies I checked in with Rori and got the A ok.

    The way I will be handling references to her tools, or other coaches tools, is to say

    this is a Rori Tool and this is how I use it.



  427.  #427Lori on February 8, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    I feel so frustrated with the number of men online just looking for a FWB situation or casual sex. Isn’t anyone looking for a real relationship anymore? If I just wanted casual sex, I could drive 2 miles up the street from my house to the local sports bar where there are 5 or 6 men that I already know of from 25-50 who would be happy to be my FWB or one night stand! That’s the reason I went online, to find men who are more serious about finding a real relationship! ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!



  428.  #428Blessed on February 8, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    @SummerBaby

    Thank you for giving me your opinion.

    I didn’t feel as if you came across harsh or blunt at all =) In fact, I took a double take when you said that you may be sounding harsh. I’ll love to be able to learn your communication style – i reread it and it just didn’t “feel” harsh at all. It felt like you care.

    I am not upset if he goes out with his friends. I was frustrated and hurt that he didn’t communicate with me his plans for the day plus it felt like I was not even worth an SMS. Chinese New Year is the most important day of the year for us. I would have been happy if he called/sms to say Happy CNY and let me know that he will be out with his friends.

    How do I make him feel that he is *not* doing a bad job of making me happy? I’ve tried using feeling words before but it frustrated him. He said once that all I cared about was how *I* felt. Sometimes, it mades me upset too (although mostly i don’t say anything) cos we eat where he likes to eat, we watch what he likes to watch , we listen to the music he enjoys. For example, i’m generally ok with him listening to his fav radio songs while driving. Yet if I was driving the car to pick him up and I had my CD on, he would get into the car and promptly switch my CD off and change it to his. On my good days, i’m pretty ok with it. On bad days, I get all upset and flare up.

    Thanks so much. I have alot of reading to do on this blog and Rori’s main website. Plus the ebook that I hopefully will be able to order by this weekend.

    xoxo



  429.  #429Darling Ella on February 8, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Oh…I am so filled with joy seeing Daria being appreciated and valued by other Sirens 🙂

    She’s worked with me as well 🙂 I always feel better after each session 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  430.  #430Daria on February 8, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    I feel happy! 🙂

    It was so spontaneous and easy to start this! and I wanted to do this, but I felt overwhelmed looking at it as a huge thing

    and instead it’s simple and I’m already doing it…



  431.  #431Becky on February 8, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Daria,

    Thank you. You gave me a good perspective and I deleted the message in my drafts box and then deleted his number. I know that it’s not a good idea but I feel hurt and wanted to express that. I feel sad that the only guys who I am interested in aren’t interested in me. I feel afraid that maybe better men won’t turn up…



  432.  #432Lisi on February 8, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    I totally have to comment on the “slut” thing.

    I told my ex I was CD-ing, and let him know that I was dating other people. Three months after we broke up, I started sleeping with one CD.

    My ex immediately sensed the vibe, and things heated up between us; ultimately, he came here for a week end and we slept together.

    After he went home and we were talking about me moving there, but he still hadn’t really made the commitment yet, he asked me if I was sleeping with the guy I’m dating.

    He went off the deep end when I said yes. Ultimately, “slut” was one of the things that came out.

    How ironic? My vibe changed when I started having sex with someone and that made me more attractive to him and he wanted me more than he ever had.

    But, he has issues, and he can’t reconcile that with the fact that it was my having sex with another man that made him want me.

    And, therefore, he blamed me, calling me slut.

    But that really wasn’t about me, was it?

    My regrets are about whether I used feeling messages, whether I communicated as well as I should have, and my feelings about losing the connection we had.

    I do not regret the sexual relationship that I had, and still have with the other guy. In fact, it was that relationship that sustained me when I had the whole blow up with the ex. We had the fight Saturday night. The whole time, I knew I would be spending the night with the other guy on Monday.

    And, once I had, my perspective shifted and I moved on.

    I think men use terms like “slut” when they have issues and want a woman they can abuse, or kick around. When I embrace my rockstarriness — I can sleep with who I choose — for reasons of my own choosing.

    And, when I do that, I don’t have to play hard to get. I am hard to get.

    I think men who use words like “slut” don’t like to have to bring their A game. They want to give a half-hearted attempt and an excuse and have us accept that.

    Well, this chica’s done with that.

    I’ll take one Manly Man who treats me like a Diva for a Lifetime Commitment to go please. And, can I have an order of fries with that?



  433.  #433Darling Ella on February 8, 2011 at 9:32 pm