What Can I Do To Get Him Back?

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rosestemThis is such a powerfully painful letter from Lydia, and just reading it, I feel such a painful pull into old feelings I’ve had in my life of simply…losing myself.

To Lydia – this has nothing to do with this man, and all to do with your wanting to put so much of your energy into him.  At the end, I’ll help:

My ex of 7 years and I were suppose to have gotten married. I ran him away with my attitude and drama simply because I did not know how to remain humble when we had a problem.

I allowed others to interfere in our relationship because I always listened to rumors and then I took it back to him to confront him and blame him…..when all I wanted was to let him know how hurt I was (sometimes I found evidence on my own that let me know he had been unfaithful or dishonest to). As for as the rumors, I never had evidence of those rumors.

There were times when I honestly believed they were true. However, the only reason I would question him or believed the rumors was because I had found evidence where he’d betrayed me. There were times when I acted a fool. He simply got tired, and I was tired too.

We had been together in a relationship for 6 1/2 years. He broke up with me on Dec. 1, 2013, after I’d found out about another incident where I actually had the proof (a photo). He admitted that the problem was him, but he said he just needed time away from me. I was afraid to let him go because I had a feeling that it was going to be forever and that he would end up only falling for someone else. I expressed that to him and he said “No”, that he wouldn’t. I was content with the decision because I felt as though we did need time apart from one another for a while.

After the break up, we continued to see one another, go places together and do things as if we were actually still together. This lasted for about 6 months (which gave us an exact total of 7 years of relations with one another). I eventually got tired of that because I felt as if it only defeated the purpose of him breaking up with me.

I felt as though we were getting no where and neither of us were trying to work on repairing what we once had. Therefore, I completely ended all relations with him. The communication became extremely inconsistent to none for about 4 months. He occasionally kept in touch and I would at times but less often than him at one point.

All of a sudden, around November I started to realize where I had gone wrong in our relationship. I realized my attitude and my negative ways which caused me my relationship. Yes, his actions are the triggers to my actions….but I should have reacted in a more appropriate manner.

At one point, we kept God in our relationship. We prayed together in person and together over the phone before going to bed at night. We prayed for one another. He was one of my strongest supporters and encouragers beside my parents.

After realizing how I contributed to our problems and conflicts….I started to realize it was the small things that I loved and missed the most about him…..those small things were always the BIG things in my heart. I was always so appreciative of him and all that he done for me, but I just needed to sit back and actually recall the little things he once did. But that went both ways, I have been there for him too.

After all of this, my feelings for him started to grow again deeper than ever (in his absence). I never told him. Around this same time he started contacting me just a bit more frequently, and I started contacting him a little more. I had planned to let him know after Dec. 1, 2014 how I felt and that I’d worked on me and had changed my ways. I wanted to ask him if we could try again.

He acted as if he wanted to see me (the first time I’d been to his place in a very very long time). I went by twice for a visit. Each time he acted very distant as if he was trying to avoid me. I didn’t understand.

I started to put the pieces together of his actions…..I assumed he was in a relationship. He told me that he wasn’t. When I told him how I felt, he said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because relationships are too hard and that we should only be friends. I thought giving him the time he needed from me would only help him to clear his mind, get his life together and realize how much I really meant to him.

In actuality, I only gave him the “Go” card and all along he was building a foundation with someone else.

After that, We continued to communicate over the phone until he completely shut me out a week ago. I found out he’d taken a date to an annual Christmas party that he and I always go to. He had told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about him taking anyone as if he was ensuring me that he wouldn’t hurt me like that.

The following week, he inconsistently communicated with me. Then I received a message from one of my best friends who is from the same home town as we are from. She told me that her mom said he (my ex) was getting married in April. Later a photo on Facebook revealed that he was on vacation with his girlfriend/fiancé.

He is still telling me that he’s not getting married and he has not bought a ring. I don’t understand why he refuses to be honest with me. I don’t understand how this could happen so suddenly when we’ve only been broken up for a year (other than the fact that he’s been involved with her at least since the summer of 2013 and probably longer). Me finding out about her is what led to our final break up. It’s the same girl from a previous picture I found on another friend’s social media page.

I know we’re not together anymore and he can do what he wants to do, BUT the fact that this is someone he became involved with while he and I were still in a relationship (together as in a couple). It’s even more painful that he’s still keeping communication with me and is lying about being in a relationship, lying about being engaged and getting married. I don’t understand when all I did/do is pray, desire and try so hard.

It is just not fair! I was faithful and committed to this man when he wasn’t even my husband. I don’t understand how he changed his mind about marrying me after 7 long years, but has fallen in love with another woman enough to marry her after only a few years. I love this man.

God knows my heart. We’ve invested so much in us and our relationship. My family was crazy about him. We have such a strong lasting bond with one another, the connection we made from the very beginning is like no other and we share so much in common. I just knew that he was my soulmate.

I know he’s not perfect. Well, neither am I. But all these years, I’ve only prayed, believed and trusted in God to change him and his dishonest ways. That was until I started praying and asking God why wouldn’t he end it….and why he and I couldn’t stay away from each other. That’s how tired I had gotten. But I think we only needed time away from one another. I really wanted to see a change in him and not actually for him to be removed my life vise versa.

Now, I want him back in my life but the right way. I want our relationship back….but the right way…..I want to be his wife and he be my husband. It hurts so bad. I haven’t been able to sleep as good. I am definitely not eating much…..barely once a day. I can’t stop thinking about him, us and how he is doing me now…..after all we’ve been through together. I just can’t let go!

I am in love with him and I love him! I know he feels the same about me too. I can tell that I am still in his heart. He shouldn’t rush into this marriage. He and I talked about marriage a few years ago. He told many of our friends and family members. He took me to pick out my ring. We contacted a coordinator to start planning a destination wedding, but the rumors…his dishonesty…and my drama when bringing it to his attention ended all of that.

I never got a proposal or ring from him. I was suppose to wear his last name. My friends think I am stupid and crazy for taking any part of the blame in this. They think I should be glad that it’s over between us and he is going to be someone else’s heartache. I am tired of them telling me that he was not a part of God’s plan for my life. They do not know God’s plan for my life. Neither of them have a relationship with God the way they should or even at all. Regardless, of our situations over the past and now….I’ve only loved him unconditionally.

Each time, I forgave him and I took him back….ONLY because I believe in my heart that God can and does change people and situations. I know God has the power and grace to change ANYONE and any situation. He restores relationships. But I believe in my heart that God would have changed him into a better man once married to me.

Last week, it was confirmed to me by his best friend that he is definitely engaged. It is not a rumor. Since then, my ex has not admitted it….but he did message me the following message: “I read all of your emails, messages and listened to the sermons and songs you sent me.

You really have my mind messed up, because everything you are saying about us and me is true. Now my head is spinning, because I do still love you and I am just messed up and torn between right and wrong.”

On Saturday morning, he sent me the following message: “Good morning. I have been reading all of your texts and emails. Where do you find all those quotes about relationships that you’re sending me? am sorry for all the pain and heartache I have caused you. I am sorry for breaking your heart. I am sorry for all the lying and the things I did to you.”

Message from him on last night: “I am not married, and I am not getting married no time soon.”

He’s communicated very little to me. He’s replied to a few of my emails as well. He has not called me or faced me. I feel like he is ashamed and being a coward. I’ve messages and emailed him so much that I feel like a fool now. I feel as though I’m either chasing him or pushing him away even more.

I’ve cried and prayed and cried and prayed even more every single day and night. It hurts so bad to know or to think that I’ve lost my best friend forever. It hurts even more to know that he has chosen another woman over me….after all that him and I have built together in our 7 year relationship.

It is also strange that he’s fallen for some things in a this other woman that he’s always said he would never do or accept in a relationship with a woman. I find it all out of character for him. I find all of this to be a rush for him. There is something that’s so unreal and not right about it.

If he was really ready to marry her…..and if he really loved her, then he wouldn’t still keep the communication going with me. He wouldn’t continue to make promises to me that he knows he can’t keep. He wouldn’t lie about her or hide the truth from me. Or am I just being naive about this whole ordeal?

Do you think it is too late for me to get my relationship back? Do you think it is too late to get my man back and he commit to me instead?

I would greatly appreciate any insight or suggestions you’re willing to offer including your honest opinion. Truth is, I cannot afford your program right now and probably not any time soon. I do receive your newsletters, but each one I’ve read only makes me wish I could purchase the program. But in knowing my situation, exactly which program of yours do you recommend?

I do apologize for the lengthy email, but I am in desperate need at this time. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your time.

Please keep my name anonymous.

My Answer:

Lydia, I’m so sorry for your pain.

And for the long years you’ve put into this man.

Yet, I know from experience that leaving a man who is not – NOW – enhancing your life the ONLY way a man should even BE in your life – is always the smartest move.

I have seen a friend get married and have a baby within ONE YEAR of finally, finally leaving the man she’d been with for over 8 years.

Yes, he was the man we’d all identified as her “soulmate.” He was ALWAYS with her, always around her, always a “couple.” They were two peas in a pod, working together, playing together, finishing each other’s sentences.

We ALL knew he absolutely adored her.

And yet – he just couldn’t “get married.” That might have been okay with my friend – but he wasn’t ready for fatherhood. He just wasn’t…ready.

Essentially – he wasn’t “mature” enough for my friend.

She wanted to move to a new level in her life, try new things, be a mom, and in what felt like a more strongly committed relationship.

So she left.

We were all shocked.

There was NO other men at the time – just lots and lots of friends – men and women.

And – so quickly, all the men who’d been standing back admiring her had a clear field. They came-a-calling.

She let them call. She dated them. She looked at them differently – because now, she knew what she wanted.

She wasn’t about to do another 8 years all over again. Not even 3 months!

And so – the right man got close to her, proposed, and that was it.

She has been happily married with a family now for many, many years – and she works with her new husband, plays with him, grows with him, and loves him.

He adores her – and with a maturity that fits for the life she wants.

You can have this too.

All you have to do is the most difficult thing ever – cut this man loose.

You have to stop caring about him, stop thinking about him, stop even turning one moment of your thoughts to him.

You have to focus on yourself and Circular Date – and most important – you have to keep an upbeat attitude about it all.

I KNOW you can do this – I’ve seen so many of my clients do it, and so many of my Certified Coaches’s clients do it.

You can.

Luck and Love, Rori

257 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 15, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Groan. So sad.



  2.  #2Gemini Goddess on January 15, 2015 at 11:03 am

    I do not know why I feel so turned off by all the “God” references. Interesting.



  3.  #3Labbit on January 15, 2015 at 11:40 am

    Ugh ugh ugh. This post triggers me so deeply…my heart is aching and breaking for Lydia. I feel grief for her and for my naive self, the one that had never been told how the energy bubble works in relationships or how men act or what they need, and how to recognize what I need.

    I cannot even imagine the pain this is causing, but I totally agree with Rori that moving on completely is the best way to go. And I know this is probably the last thing ANYONE in this situation wants to hear but someday you’ll back on this as a gift — the moment when you learned that valuing yourself above all others will not only serve you best, but will lead the best possible man to you.

    Our minds play such terrible tricks on us, use fear and anxiety and pining. We let ourselves get trapped in situations that don’t serve us, that are actually really bad for us, and we think it’s the best we can get…that one little change will make it all better. When the truth is that we shouldn’t have to work hard for love at all. When we get really clear on exactly what we want and focus on ourselves, it opens the door for the Universe to bring that person to us like lightning.



  4.  #4Labbit on January 15, 2015 at 11:44 am

    2 Gemini Goddess — I am a pretty religious person myself (and completely accept that there are many who don’t believe in God at all) but totally understand the turn-off around using God in conversation too much. I think that for some, they either credit God or blame God for their life circumstances, making themselves a victim the same way someone who blames a health issue, or unemployment, or any other circumstance that is in fact completely in our control to change. When anyone uses God as an excuse to abdicate personal responsibility I get upset. God doesn’t make us do anything or control our lives. I believe we’re all God in our own universes and it’s our own beliefs and self-imposed limits that build our lives into what we live on a daily basis.



  5.  #5Gemini Goddess on January 15, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Labbit 4
    Nailed it!



  6.  #6Mandy on January 15, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Tee,

    I encourage you to ramble if you need to 🙂 Even if it is to me, about our guys, or past guys. I get stuck on control issues. I once had an ex who wanted to demonstrate his defiance by leaving the toilet seat up. Ya, that one didn’t work out, lol. Jeez I could go on all day. I started actually really feeling like crap yesterday about the whole thing, and low and behold, J had a day where he wasn’t in pain, and he cleaned my situation right up. He helped with groceries, helped pay for them, helped with dishes and sweeping and cleaning, and even made dinner. It was like I’d gotten my relationship back for a nanosecond.
    So even though I still feel on my way out of this situation, that was a good day, and I thanked him very much and very sweetly for it all.

    Dominique, Thank you for your words last night, J was in the room so my response came out clipped and short sounding. Lol.

    Rori-

    Ooohhhh. I feel SO SO SO MUCH for this woman.

    It is what you said Rori in your other articles. The idea that this woman NEEDS this particular man is all in her head, and it really, really sucks. I know how it can seem like a devout religion to be with a guy and be his loyal sidekick, and even be all about God about it – i.e., wanting to stay a virgin for him, wanting to marry and have him be my first and last, etc. I know all that, I ran that route when I was ten years younger.

    I want to say this loud and clear – I know. I am on the out way in my current relationship, and you told me point blank one day my guy was one of the “high-stimulation” guys, who likes strippers and porn, and so that might be too much for me, just as this woman’s man has had problems, I think mine may just be too interested in the thought of variety, and then so terrified of intimacy he can’t trust me enough to have sex with me more than once every month or so. I have thought that many times, and it is immaturity and lack of healthful direction. Too interested in other situations. Not focused on me or us. Just distracted, and I think it actually gives him an ego boost when I get upset about other women around him.

    I might even need therapy after this, because I may have severed some links to my own sexuality just to survive this relationship. My dad says he’s scared I’ll never be able to be in a normal one because my past ones have been so jacked up.

    I am dealing with this right now. J isn’t is not “enhancing my life the ONLY way a man should even BE in my life”.

    I think of so many things. I think of him crying, I think of him moving away, I think of him just being so upset and sad he doesn’t have me anymore. Supreme guilt. This man DOES love me. But I’m not sure that I can be in love with a man who isn’t fulfilling my needs. So it’s like, if I can stop the obsessive thoughts about if I don’t make J happy I should feel anxious, then that will fade, the focus will fade. But as of this minute, I feel very torn.

    Even my mom told me about how she doesn’t think I’m in love with J, that it couldn’t possibly be that deep a relationship without that intimacy. I will go about this one differently this time. I have to. Keep him as a friend definitely, but move away from the man as a lover, because he JUST doesn’t have the proper equipment.

    The thing that is really awful is I haven’t gotten this whole time that he feels absolutely terrible about it and just doesn’t want to bring it up. As though he wishes he could have sex with the one he loves, but he JUST can’t.

    Trust me, I am so curious about what’s going on with him I fight the urge to stay and find out. I would LOVE to know the clinical reason why he has issues. But I am not sure it would be worth the emotional trauma to me.

    If I do end up with a new partner in the near future, I’d like for it to be a man who can take and give a compliment. I particularly chose J because he wouldn’t slobber all over me, and now I am feeling the opposite, starved of attention. Weird how that works.

    I wish he would be okay with me just flat out dating other men like when we were first living together. But I feel so nervous, yet here I go onto OKCupid…

    Okay, I went through a lot there. Pat on the back…I am a strong woman…damn strong!



  7.  #7Mandy on January 15, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Gemini Goddess-

    I feel a trigger with the God stuff too. I don’t like how it makes me think inside a box. Or feel like a man’s property. Or feel like I have any freedom as a woman whatsoever.



  8.  #8Izzy on January 15, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    I feel very uncomfortable around some of my fiance’s family members. I feel interrogated when I am around his aunt. It feels like an interview. I feel pressured, put against a wall. It is not the type of conversation that I like, which one person says something and the other comments and the conversation just flows. No! It is non stop questioning. I started giving short answers to see if she would stop but she keeps asking more and more. It feels invasive, I feel tense, I feel annoyed, angry and I feel shut down. I shut down completely around her. And every time I was around her, I was just shut down.
    This is his favorite aunt. He confronted me about my behavior around her. He said in a very aggressive way that I hate his family. I said that I had never said that. He said that it shows in my face. I said I felt interrogated by his aunt. He said she was just being curious and trying to make conversation. I said I feel shy. He wouldn’t let me finish my sentences so I said I feel unheard. He said, aggressively: Talk then, talk, just talk. I said I feel attacked. I don’t feel safe letting my guard down when I am feeling attacked. I got up and started walking around the house, then I started separating laundry. He said agressively: are you running away? I said this is not being constructive. He kept being aggressive so I said: I am not feeling good, I am gonna go out and I will come back when I feel better.
    Now I feel resentful and I feel angry that he is taking his aunt’s side and blaming me and not listening to me. I tried to leave the scene to feel better, but I couldn’t get myself to feel better.
    I don’t know how to behave gracefully around his aunt. I feel really annoyed around her and I don’t want to talk to her. And after this conversation, it got even worse, I feel mad at her and I don’t want to be anywhere around her. What should I do?



  9.  #9Izzy on January 15, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    I feel proud of myself for being able to use feeling messages in a tense situation



  10.  #10Izzy on January 15, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    I might be a difficult person… Communication isn’t easy for me. I really need to learn communication skills. I shut down so so easily. I get angry easily and shut down. I feel embarrassed. I don’t like feeling angry. I don’t like feeling embarrassed. I don’t like not knowing what to say. I wish I knew the right thing to say. I wish I didn’t have to say anything and people could read my mind.



  11.  #11Lovergirl on January 15, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    I feel like this guy is setting himself up to cheat on the next woman, and that in the long run you will feel happier without him Lydia! Your worries about him were not unfounded and the lying and dishonesty would and will probably continue, no matter who he is with. He might be a great person otherwise, but it feels like a relationship with him would be really stressful in the end and you might feel better with a refreshing new start with a new guy!!



  12.  #12Tee on January 15, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    Thanks Mandy 🙂

    Ugh this woman sorta sounds like me. I met Mr. Man in high school. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was CD, had my own life, etc. He chased me, asked me to marry him and the whole bit. As long as I remained outside of my emotions, I was ok. At some point, my self esteem took a hit and I started treating Mr. Man like he was the prize.

    Yes, I’m still with this man. We’re so entwined that I sometimes can’t tell which way is up! I don’t know if he’s right or wrong or we just suck at communicating.

    Maybe being stuck in my boy energy is the issue. I do love him. I look at his face and I still melt. I see the boy from high school who would walk me to class and sing my name. I see his dimples and the gap – toothed smile that our 16 month old son also has.

    We still get along but some days it’s just barely. He cooks, he cleans and all of that. Yet he can be impulsive in behavior and money. This has become a huge trigger for me. I guess it doesn’t help that I monitor him, manage him and have stopped being fun.

    We trigger each other so it feels like a silly carnival ride. I feel like he’s testing me. Giggling around the edges of my annoyance because maybe he feels emasculated and holding back money and time is the only ammunition he has left.

    I can only guess and guessing isn’t even my business. I need to learn Me. Focus on me. I want the best versions of ourselves. I want us and I don’t want to feel bad or judged for that.



  13.  #13Izzy on January 15, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    Of course I feel angry, I feel angry because people don’t read my mind. It’s their fault!

    I feel silly.

    If I learn to express myself I won’t feel so angry.

    But I find it so difficult!

    It feels difficult.

    I feel blocked.

    It feels like I don’t have an option. I know there are options, but it doesn’t feel that way.

    I feel hopeful

    Things will work out fine at the end

    I feel smiley

    I want to go the middle of wild untouched nature and feel mesmerized and teary eyed by the beauty

    I want beauty in my life

    I have crazy thoughts



  14.  #14IamHis on January 15, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    Wow. Rori, your response was amazing. I feel awe-inspired by it, actually.

    Regarding the God thing. Majorly triggering for me. I believe in God, of course. That belief affects everything I do, and I want others to consider Him. He is SO BIG, that He is difficult to explain. (and I hope you’ll forgive me for referring to God as “He” for I believe “He” is bigger than gender.)

    This felt so exhausting to read. That happens when you have 7 years of history, I suppose. Your thoughts and memories and emotions and what you tried to do and what happened as a result of that…and the praying.

    I can relate to the praying part.

    I feel so sorry for her. I feel sorry for my old self, too. For all women, really. We just…love differently, it seems.

    Men can get obsessive like this, but it’s different. I feel jealous of men and the way they can compartmentalize and organize their brains and how time means such a completely different thing for them. Especially since it feels like they have more for having children, aging (since that doesn’t seem to be a big turn-off for women, but does for men)

    UGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

    I had a really rough night tonight.

    It’s so hard to communicate when you are feeling and responding and reacting to things from your relationship in the past. I’m talking about my parents, here. But I know this applies to relationships and marriages as well.

    It is so important to communicate IN THE MOMENT, AT THE RIGHT TIME. There’s that time thing, again.

    I’m really starting to have a love/hate relationship with time.

    I feel really thankful that I’m not married right now. Why is communication so hard? Why can’t we just touch each other and have mind-reading abilities?

    I’m clearly not thinking in reality, or logically. Need to go write some fiction or something…

    I feel sad and stuck and achy.

    but I also feel smart and I feel clarity and I feel hopeful.

    I love the good stuff…



  15.  #15Mandy on January 15, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    Tee,
    I feel like giggling with what you said about Mr. Man feeling emasculated. Because he withholds money etc. I guess different guys withhold different things. Now I am sure of what is happening… My guy is trying to take the power back, Rori suggests we lean back, and let him take some control.
    I have so much boy energy from growing up to be as good as my brothers and dad so to be able to take care of myself as I am disabled, so that will always be there, but I can learn to switch hats…I think that tool is in Modern Siren…



  16.  #16Andrea on January 15, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    Ah Izzy, I love this process you’re going through. I feel that pent up and invaded little girl who just doesn’t like all that targeted attention on her.
    I feel nervous, jittery, and people starting at me expecting me to just say something.

    One time I felt like that in a group situation and I actually said, “I feel tongue tied right now. I have no response right now.”

    My then boyfriend burst out laughing and he hugged me and told other people, “Leave her alone.”

    Later he whispered that was the funniest thing he ever heard and he was going to use it from now on: I have no response to that right now.

    I feel pride in the way you handled that situation. “I feel icky in this situation. I am going to walk away for now.”

    I’ve started using feeling messages with everyone lately, women, men, children, my daughters. It’s very effective especially when I’m being radically honest.

    It feels good to sink into myself, be hyper aware of my own feelings when I can get to that place, and leave other people’s opinions of me alone. I always tell myself, they are thinking and their thoughts are none of my business. I am BEING and that’s what matters to ME.



  17.  #17Andrea on January 15, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    I feel hopeful and positive about his blog post from Rori. I remember feeling that hopelessness, that stuckedness, that desperation, and then finding Rori and getting those same answers and climbing out of the maze. Slow and steady climbing.

    I feel happy. I could have written similar things a year ago. Now I have a little better understanding. Hooray! “Lydia” is on the right path, taking the first step on a journey to the most important relationship of all, the one with herself. Hooray. It feels triumphant. Like Rori said, “This is not about the man. It is about Lydia.”



  18.  #18IamHis on January 15, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    I want to be so much more than I am, but I also want acceptance for exactly what and who I am.



  19.  #19Indigo on January 15, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Izzy 8,

    You are under no obligation whatsoever to respond to your fiancé’s aunt’s questions which make you feel uncomfortable. It hurts me to see you wondering whether you are a difficult person, when really, your emotional and physical space is yours to decide what feels comfortable and good to you. Yes, we all have to put on appearances once in a while for the sake of being polite and getting along with people who occasionally have to be in our lives, BUT that does not mean that you have to indulge every shred of curiosity that someone else has about you. Just the thought of it makes me feel icky and skin-crawly. It IS invasive, and you can always smile sweetly and say you are a private and reserved person and you’d prefer not to talk about it.

    There is a person in my extended family who always, ALWAYS asks me every time he sees me whether I am married yet and that I should get a move on because time is running out, etc. etc. Ick. It happened just the other day in fact. And in fact I practiced answering oh so briefly and then said my goodbyes and walked away. All polite, but I realized I don’t have to put up with it. Next time I think I won’t answer at all 🙂



  20.  #20Tee on January 15, 2015 at 9:13 pm

    #15, Mandy…is that what it is? An attempt to take back power through withholding money? OK now it seems so simple to see when it’s typed out in front of me.

    We’ve argued and argued so much about his lack of responsibility regarding money. I’ve issued threats too. It’s especially embarrassing because we live in the same building as my aunt. We talk alot so she knows what’s happening and she gets pissed.

    This is another relationship where I need to…I don’t know, change? My aunt is all masculine energy and she prefers it that way and only deals with men with feminine energies. She’s always encouraging me to get in Mr. Man’s face. Make him do this or that.

    I’ve never felt comfortable in that space.
    My family is 99.9% angry bitter females with boy energy. They either have no relationship or they’re managing their man. No one is entirely happy.

    I never wanted to succumb to that way of being so it’s important that I learn new/better ways. Having a son (the first boy on my mom’s side in over 54 years) makes it crucial that I don’t ruin him with this somehow.

    It’s always Felt better to do nothing about the money situation with Mr . Man yet my aunt is my trigger. She’ll ask and then get pissed and confront him.

    Interestingly enough, the times when I would mention needing money and Not nag him on it, he’d come through. The more I’d nag, the more he’d resist. I don’t Need money from him to survive, I feel like he’s just irresponsible or a jerk so I’ve been trying to get him to be consistent with giving me money towards the apartment.

    It’s hit or miss but for the longest I’ve had the distinct feeling that he Chooses to not budge in this area. I’m thinking it’s another way of getting attention. Testing me to see do I Need him or do I need money? Like it’s some contest. It freakin bothers me so much because it makes me feel like I’m being pimped and I don’t like that.



  21.  #21Mandy on January 15, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    Tee –

    Well, I guess was just relating my own experience, that’s the logical conclusion I might come to about my own situation, maybe I worded that wrong. Sorry about that.

    I thought, Tee’s Mr. Man, feels emasculated, so he’s withholding money? It just sounded so familiar. I guess what I mean to say is I felt triggered, and something bubbled up in words…very quickly…
    Like with what Rori meant with the last article she published the articles by the Rabbi, withholding…meaning kind of working you, trying to establish some control, as he feels out of control. I feel kind of clumsy with my words here. I did not mean to startle you with that, I hope it didn’t come out too concise, but it sounds like maybe it squeaked out a bit 🙂

    But yeah, with that article especially, I think men try to tame their woman’s passion, as it were, maybe subconsciously. What I mostly heard in the Rabbi articles are that men are afraid of not pleasing their wives and therefore withhold or extinguish or snuff out their desires, rather than encouraging them and using them to woo her, like she wants. But if we are doing the Siren Way, we can’t let that overcome us. We have to keep that burning brightly, ourselves, and if we do, we might get a guy who DOES want to keep us burning brightly.

    That doesn’t necessarily mean I will choose to say to J hey, you rubbed out my libido, lol, that sounds very funny. I might look back at Love Scripts and train there again. And then come back and say, hey, I love you, I feel _______, I want _____, I don’t want _____….and go some “rounds” with him. (J needs a lot of strong surrender.)

    The reason why I am planning to do this is I want to give him one last clear shot at this before I decide to give it all up. I have let go a lot already, but this is also because of a lot of fear that I’ll want another shot at it after the deal is already done.

    One thing is for sure, you can’t make a woman not want to be wanted. You just can’t. It will bother her, she’ll never truly be satisfied, so in a way, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.



  22.  #22Rori Raye on January 15, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    So sorry! This is Rori – and I missed so many of you falling into moderation – I just approved your wonderful comments (reading everything!) all in a hurry, and didn’t get to answer anything. There’s a glitch in the system (I see the note) – I’ll keep close watch so no one feels frustrated! Love, Rori



  23.  #23Izzy on January 16, 2015 at 2:11 am

    16: Andrea – Thank you, thank you, thank you! I guess I needed to feel got and that is how I felt reading your post. I think I expected him to act as you boyfriend did, you know, put the limits between me and his family. I felt abandoned by him, as if he just left me there in the fire to burn. I felt abandoned by the person who was supposed to protect me in that situation. I need him to understand this. I was feeling that way and he was blaming me, it is my fault that I ruined it for HIM. …. ahhhhh Now I have to find a way to put it out there in a soft and gentle way… Oh, being a girl isn’t easy.
    And I am going to use this: I have no response right now. Thank you!

    18: IamHis – Beautiful. I am with you 100%. Maybe acceptance is the first step to being more?

    19: Indigo – Thank you. Your response made me feel a lot better. I felt hugged. 🙂 I might be in need of a hug. I will hug myself, then.



  24.  #24Izzy on January 16, 2015 at 2:33 am

    I got this TUT message today:
    “All deliberate change, first comes from denying the logic that most gives you comfort.”
    “Which can be really uncomfortable, until, of course, there is change”.

    What is the change that I want? To be able to communicate beautifully and gracefully.
    What is the logic that gives me comfort? To shut down.
    That is the logic that I need to deny. I need to be open. And that is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!

    How do you go from feeling comfortable in being closed to feeling comfortable in being open? It feels impossible!

    I don’t want it to feel impossible….
    Let’s feel hopeful, yes, hopeful feels better…

    Deep down I feel nothing is impossible.

    Just look at this Universe. Can you imagine the power that makes a mountain raise from the ground and hey, there is the Hymalayas

    Isn’t everything connected, am I not part of that amazing strenght and power as well? That thought feels good.

    I want to master this energy that is all around to work in my favor. It feels beautiful.

    Nature is my god. The sun, the mountains, the flowers, the rain, the sea, the birds, the sand, the wind.

    My god is all around me. And I am part of nature. So my god is within me.

    Wow, I feel teary eyed.



  25.  #25Izzy on January 16, 2015 at 2:46 am

    Flowers are so generous.
    They need so little: some soil, some water, some sun…
    And they give back so much beauty. My azaleas make me feel grateful. And loved.
    I feel throat closing, chest tightening
    Love is all around.
    I feel sensitive
    I feel soft



  26.  #26sweet goddess on January 16, 2015 at 3:54 am

    # Izzy

    Darling, you sound so wonderful ! I say bravo to you for staying in feeling messages while feeling attacked and getting up and going out. Wow ! You were so powerful. This is real power, what you just did.

    Your man has every right to feel his anger and speak it out to you, similarly you have the right to not stand there and listen to blame and crap.

    You are feeling discomfort right now because you are beating yourself about the communication you had…and because its new to you !

    So calm down, take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back. You did SO SO well my dear ! Remember, if it feels scary… you´re doing the right thing.

    Yay you IZZy :))



  27.  #27Tee on January 16, 2015 at 4:43 am

    #21, Mandy, your wording was fine. It just seemed to click like Ah Ha! It would make sense for Mr. Man to feel that way. He’s a bit of a wild card and has claimed that women in his past have tried to get over on him. Not sure how much of that is true or just some made up bs. My history with him has been one of me trying to control and manage him when it seemed he wasn’t moving according to my schedule. I was completely out of hand, going through his personal information, jumping to conclusions about friendships, etc.

    I’ve been seriously insecure and he has tried to encourage me to have friends, a hobby, a job, etc. He has expressed concern that I worry entirely too much about him. His friends would even call me his parole officer.

    I think in my attempts to control him, what I think I’m trying to accomplish is to reduce my anxiety over being abandoned. We talked about that too, he’s told me several times that he won’t leave me so he doesn’t get why it’s still an issue for me.

    Maybe I’m afraid of finding out who I am outside of him? I just want things to be awesome! Him chasing me, singing to me, being responsible with money, me feeling ultra secure, etc. I thought that living together would ease my fears, they may have gotten worse.

    I feel scared that we won’t work out. I feel scared that I’d have to raise my son without his father. I want to stop living in my inner fear. I want him to lead us into marriage.

    I want to let go, I want this to be less uncomfortable.



  28.  #28Emerson on January 16, 2015 at 7:13 am

    This story about Lydia is heartbreaking and yet I understand how hard it is to let go.
    This story is helpful to me because it reminds me not to waste time.
    It feels hard what rori says at the end …circular date and remain upbeat about it….
    Sometimes I feel so drained and sad with dating, it’s hard to stay upbeat…



  29.  #29Lovergirl on January 16, 2015 at 7:55 am

    I feel for Lydia, being stuck on one man, because it is so easy to feel that way. Meeting new men is sometimes scary and exhausting. Dating sites are sooo full of weirdness that it can make you feel like its really hard to find decent men. It can be draining having to reject so many men that just aren’t even close to what you want too.



  30.  #30Lovetodance on January 16, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Izzy.
    Wow!
    I agree with Gemini goddess!
    You are powerful
    I feel so resonant with what you wrote. Your riffing on what makes you and what you believe and what you are a part of. Thank you for sharing you.

    It may be my personal form of shutting down that I will question once I write this. But the sayings.
    I will not dignify that question with an answer
    And
    Do not throw pearls to swine

    Come up in response whe I read about being grilled.
    I love that tut. (What does that stand for?)
    About the logic that feels comforts also is trapping. Hmmmmm
    Yet
    In this situation I would try to find the sweet mid spot
    Not forced self open but also keep as non defensive as possible. Maybe even wondering what is aunties need. Is this coming from her own anxiety in terms of discomfort in relating to others

    Ahhhh. In any case you spark alot for me to
    feel about.
    Love hearing your voice here
    Ps I open when there is trust. When I try to push the river there is usually rapids or dams that I drown in. Just my experience sometimes
    Maybe a different boat hmmmmm?



  31.  #31Izzy on January 16, 2015 at 9:36 am

    30: Lovetodance – About TUT: I got to know about it here in this blog. I signed up for the notes from the Universe and everyday I get an uplifting message on my email that makes me feel good. It stands for The Universe Talks – tut.com



  32.  #32Radlove on January 16, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Lydia,

    I felt almost like I was reading my own story, yet I knew I hadn’t penned your words. I feel sad, grieved, and heavy hearted along with you.

    I started on Rori’s blog about 6 years ago, when R walked out the door after I blew up on him for the umpteenth time. But it was for good reason…I kept being led on and let down, over and over. One night we would be making out and caressing. The next night I would be told it’s just a friendship, I’m not in love with you. Another night we would sit in a diner and take turns writing a line of a poem with two pieces of paper. Then switching papers and adding the next line to each other’s poems. One of his lines said, “She is ALL, ALL, he ever wanted!” Together we created one romantic poem, because the two pages meshed together into one as if we had designed it that way. But then I’d be sat down and told it’s just a friendship, I’m not in love with you. It was crazy making. It was suic/idal-making after he led me on to believe he was about to propose to me and then once again, 5 days later, told me it was just a friendship. It was the most traumatic incident of my life.

    That was in July 2009. Then he ended our “friendship” in Oct 2009 after a lot of tries and fails. I spent hundreds of hours on this blog processing it all (ask Feminine Woman and Dominique, among others, LOL!) They all got sick of my woes. They were sweet, caring, helpful, and I grew, realized, changed, cried, thought, mourned, asked why, cried some more…

    And over and over I crazy texted him, 20-30 texts at a time sometimes. How I have grown and changed since then. But after all the advice and encouragement, I chose to keep him in my life.

    We have developed a strong friendship over the last few years, working through a lot of the disagreements. I have called him my best friend for several years now, and we have fought and made up over and over.

    On Christmas evening, 2014, we caressed each other. It felt magical, because our first date had been Christmas Eve 2008, after being acquainted for a year. I felt more sure than ever that 2015 would be the year. Yes, Rori also told me to not open myself up to a world of hurt by staying with a man who is not committed to me as I am to him. I thought I knew better. I couldn’t stand the pain of separation. I lasted no more than 3 to 5 days before I would text him again.

    I kept trying to think of him as just a friend, but recently he started telling me about his escapades with women in broom closets, etc. A couple of days ago, he texted me how unattractive I am when I tell him stuff like, “This feels horrible!” He was cruel in saying it over and over, and I am abbreviating all this immensely, but to wrap it up, I finally ended the friendship 2 days ago. I think it will be for the last time. The only way I would let him back in my life would be a year or two down the road, after he has had some time to grow and mature.

    What is my point? Save yourself the anguish I was cautioned that I would pass through if I continued something that was broken. You drop a plate, it shatters, and it’s broken. You can say I’m sorry, and you can glue it back together, but it’s never the same again.

    Now, about YOUR situation. Your ex sounds far more close to gravitating back to you than mine has most of this past 6 years. I hesitate to say this, because I know my picker-outer is broken, too. But if I were a relationship coach, and I’m not, I would suggest that you go silent and write your heart out on the blog to keep you from texting or emailing him any further.

    Then watch as he comes back into your world, on his own initiative. I think he will. I hope I’m not misleading you by watering your hope. But it sounds like he is waking up to how much he loves you.

    What will make that love come full circle is to let HIM come in YOUR direction by not sending any more emails. You will never convince him to come back. But if you give him the gift of missing you, he may contact YOU! That will feel so good!

    Then just follow his lead. If he is casual and light, respond with casual lightness. Be a warm sandy beach that he can visit for fun and then leave when he wants.

    I really feel your anguish, because it is my own. Now for me, I have let the pain play out to the full, and sometimes the only way we can learn is by experience. I love him and I always will. There is a little pocket in my heart that believes someday R will be my husband. But for now, I am walking into my future without him.



  33.  #33Radlove on January 16, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Hey Emerson! 🙂 Big smiles!



  34.  #34Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    Sirens,

    I feel like I’ve been away for ages and I feel like I have so much to share..

    I, so, want to work on my communication skills and I think this community is perfect for that.

    Christmas and New Year have been and gone and it was full of surprises.

    D my on off boyfriend for a year or so turned up and surprised me at New Year. I let myself enjoy the unexpected adventure with him. Sometimes it all feels too good to be true. He is so loving and gently towards me that when I write it down, like now, it scares me and I think I will ‘jinx’ everything..

    I am still not in a relationship with him and don’t know if I ever will be as we are so different and our goals in life are so different, but generally I am trying to go with the flow and see where it goes.

    But I am scared. I am scared that sometimes it is too perfect. He says he loves me too much and I am scared what will happen if one day he takes his love away from me. All the time I work at distancing myself from him. Knowing that we are both so different I just wonder where it will lead anyway…

    Hmmm.. it is all very confusing for me. My heart says one thing and my mind says another…

    I try and bask in the glory of the moment. I know that sounds superficial and self absorbed but sometimes I feel I want to photo and memorise the moments with him so much, just so I can have those moments but yet not read too much into them, if that makes sense.

    I don’t know, with me, the moment I start to enjoy something and rely on it being there that’s when it all backfires and disappears on me. Life is strange – but everything in my life is like this – friendships, family, job, home… anytime I get happy it breaks! I feel so jinxed it is untrue…

    Anyway, enough of me whinging. Sorry for being so negative. I wish I could change this!? I really do….

    Please feel free to chip in…



  35.  #35Femininewoman on January 16, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Waterfall do you have any of Rori’s material? I think so much of it could help you create a new normal.



  36.  #36Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Radlove,

    Ooooh sister siren, I am so glad you are back and to hear your voice! I have missed your funny, quirky self on this blog.

    You are such a deep and passionate woman and you should embrace that with all of your heart.



  37.  #37Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    Yes, I have the book ‘Have the Relationship You Want’.

    Maybe I will read it again, as it’s a long time since I read it.

    Is there any other books you would recommend?



  38.  #38Femininewoman on January 16, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Some of what you mentioned was addressed in Reconnect Your Relationship – creating a new normal, she talks about how she learned to expect the worse because of her mother and give some exercises to work through to help you to create a new normal. The book only scratches the surface of the treasures in the other programs



  39.  #39Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    How Lydia’s story reminds me of mine. It touches a deep and raw nerve within me. I have been driven to such painful distraction by not one, but at least 3 men in my life..

    The first one literally turned me insane and it went on for many years, and it just terrifies me how it absolutely took over my life. I feel so ashamed now, and actually I can barely talk about it and clam up when I do.

    When I first came to Rori I realised this was the ‘tough love’ I needed. Even with Rori though sometimes change just doesn’t come quick enough..



  40.  #40Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Thanks Feminine Woman – I think the time has come where I need to knuckle down and start reading this stuff…

    I think a part of me is resisting it. I am so scared that it won’t work – because it feels like the last chance saloon!!

    What if it doesn’t work? Then what? hmmm…

    Sorry for the riffing..



  41.  #41Andrea on January 16, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Waterfall… It works! : ) heeheeh…
    It might not get you the man you are hankering for right now, but it will get you THE absolute BEST relationship you could have ever hoped for. The one with yourself.

    Here’s me at my gym this morning, dressed in mucky clothing, hair pulled back in a clip, no make up, no curves. I walk up to the drinking fountain and drop my iphone in the water. I yell a cuss word in front of a bunch of young track athletes. And then I turn around across the gym on a mat doing stretches is…

    My ex boyfriend.

    I haven’t seen him in over a year and a half. I haven’t spoken with him since Thanksgiving of 2013. It’s been that long. And, just first response, I didn’t freak out.

    I went about my business, got on my treadmill and began my work out.

    I feel so joyful today. I wish i could explain everything I went through emotionally with seeing him.

    He knows I go to that gym. My apartment is in the same parking lot as the gym. He passes about three different work out places to get to this specific gym. He knows he will see me there.

    He did not approach me but I know he saw me. We didn’t lock eyes or anything. He just stayed on his side of the gym. I did my work out and then I left.

    But I felt such an overwhelming since of gladness. Gladness and joy for the woman I am now. I began to reflect on the woman I was three years ago when I first attracted a man like he was three years ago. Toxic, insecure, mean, immature, stuck, needy, desperate… (but many good things too)
    And that was BOTH of us.

    And I was stuck on him. When he broke up with me I was devestated.
    Now…. I’m just happy. Happy, really happy. The men that are in my circle right now weren’t even glimpses on my radar when I was heartbroken and weeping and trying to get him to come back to me.

    I went home after my workout and looked in the mirror and just thought, “Man it took a lot of work to get to this place. But here I AM!!”

    So grateful for the broken-ness that led me to a deeper love of this beautiful, wonderful woman standing in the mirror. So grateful that it led me to Rori and the other coaches and to this blog.

    I feel so positive, so hopeful, so energetic, so glad. Just so glad that I am who I am right now. I feel my true partner is so close, and I wouldn’t have a chance with “him” if I hadn’t let go of the others.



  42.  #42Waterfall on January 16, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    Lol, at $150 there is no way I can afford it at the moment…



  43.  #43Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    So there is this woman at work who is having a baby. She’s a few years younger than me, and it was unplanned. She doesn’t take birth control, has a one night stand, and then she was pregnant. What I find amazing is how little *shame* she has. Nothing about her says, “this was a mistake. I’m a bad person.” She calls her mom and talks about it.

    If it were me, it would be very different. And I was very nearly in this situation. But if I was pregnant, it didn’t last. I attribute that to how controlling, manipulative, and abusive the “father” was. It would have been betterif I’d never talked to him after that night. But I was addicted to him. And to the sex. But he stressed me out. And it was a bad time in my life to have a baby. Still, I would have kept it, if it had happened that way.

    Anyway, I’m not wanting to give up. It’s just hard for me to see how my desires will ever have the chance to manifest when I keep blocking them so much…



  44.  #44Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    Make attraction is like cr*ck



  45.  #45Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    So I’m contemplating writing to AJ. I keep telling myself, nothing good comes of reaching out to a man. He’ll contact me. Let him do it.

    And then I think of how I want to express some of my vulnerability.

    But then again, that usually doesn’t work out that well, either. I think I’m being “vulnerable.” But really I’m just showing a weakness unnecessarily, and it comes across as needy. If need to find a way to do or say whatever it is without shame or fear. If I can do that, then it will come across.

    I’m going to go to this women’s meeting tonight. Then I’ll see how I feel.

    On a side note: I really don’t feel like an adult.

    Does anyone else feel this way?



  46.  #46Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    *male attraction



  47.  #47Gemini Goddess on January 16, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Hey Waterfall-

    I totally understand. I’ll add that I have a psychology degree, and absolutely nothing I spent a whole lot of time studying came close to the RR program. Seems I was actually looking for this the whole time, and I am NOT kidding. I bought the whole program on an almost full credit card figuring it was cheeper than therapy (not that I would recommend doing either part of that), freshly divorced, and fully convinced I was broken. I have never been so happy with a purchase.

    (((Hugs)))



  48.  #48prplpsn28 on January 16, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    I so know how Lydia feels. I also agree with Rori’s response. It’s the hardest thing to do but the right thing.

    Right now I’m trying to process everything and trying my hardest to lean back. H made his feelings clear but he just can’t do a relationship right now, an ex from before H whom I was with for 10 months just out of the blue contacted me on POF about a week ago and said he was sorry for how things turned out with us. Very brief conversation and haven’t heard from him since. Feel like I don’t really care tho. And new guy C I saw last wknd while he was bartending. We had a nice conversation. He opened up to me about job and money issues. I think cuz of that he’s kinda backing off cuz I don’t really hear from him much. Well last wknd after I went home I let my insecurities get the best of me and I made the HUGE mistake of sending him a text that said ” I get the feeling your not interested”. Ugh. Wrong…wrong…wrong. Talk about sounding needy. His response was “Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve been really busy with my son and I don’t have money to do anything.” I think he may feel like he’s not worthy right now. I don’t know. I’m going out with a girlfriend tonight and we may end up where he’s bartending. We shall see what happens. I’m leaning way back. No more needy sounding statements!



  49.  #49Gear on January 16, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    Hi, I have been busy working, missed a few days blog.
    I want to report leaning back works. Guy C, who I knew interested in me, but just didn’t step up asks for date, finally surprised me. He called a couple of hours ago, said he was touch base, and asked me when I am leaving for vacation, (he had offered to give me a ride to the airport., but he didn’t want to write down the date, he had asked me to call him a couple of days before. Off course, I would not call him to remind him give me a ride.) he also said, maybe tomorrow we can go for dinner. Ha! I felt surprised!

    I always felt he was the man who waited women throw themselves to him, or he had met women like that. I also had felt he was not chilvary enough, though he was pretty manly.

    I feel a little bit nervous, as this will be a good practice for me, meanwhile challenging, as we both belong to a circle of friends.

    I went a speed dating the night before. We didn’t have as many people as April Rose, only 7 men and 8 women, but the quality of candidate were quite amazing. I just got one email from one of the guys. Feeling excited.



  50.  #50Johanna on January 16, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Hello Beauties!
    I’be been reading this wonderful blog for a while now and I feel a little funny posting here as if I’m invading your space. But I’m having such a hard time right now and I’m hoping that Rori or one of you lovely women have any advice to offer me?

    The problem is, I’ve been feeling so unhappy in my relationship for a long time now. Reading through this blog and reading through the comments – it’s not surprising as to why I feel the way I do. I’ve made every mistake in the book!

    So now my boyfriend knows how I feel (we live together) and we’ve been more like “friends” now for the past month or so. He wants things to work out between us while I feel myself drifting further and further away. He can only get so close to me (physically and emotionally) before I begin to feel tense, uneasy – I just pull away.

    The reason why I’m writing is not to solve all my problems but just one in particular. It’s about him crying. He’s cried before and I’ve felt for him as I usually would for anyone feeling hurt but those were genuine tears. (I’m not saying that he always cries)

    But tonight he got angry/upset about something (had nothing to do with me) and then he started crying. And I jut felt so off put about it. I felt annoyed and angry even. Not only did I feel that he was crying for a ridiculous reason but I felt that it was a dramatic attempt of pulling me back in – like he was just trying to get my attention or something.

    I didn’t know how to react. Should I comfort him even though I feel he’s crying crocodile tears? What if he really is being genuine? Are these just my fears and judgments towards him talking? I just felt confused and so I didn’t do anything. I just sat there with my feelings silently and let him cry.

    Then when he was done, he came towards me and hung his sweater up next to me and went to take a shower. It was a bit awkward between us afterwards but he ended up apologizing to me for overreacting and tried to break the ice.

    But I felt so awkward about the whole thing and still do. Did I do the right thing or was it heartless of me? I’ve never left anyone to cry by themselves like that.

    My questions are…. How is a woman supposed to comfort a man when he’s in tears? And what should we do if we feel a man is using our empathy or compassion against us as a form of manipulation just to get/stay close to us?

    Am I just seeing more to the situation than what’s really there? What if it happens again?

    I would feel so grateful to hear back from Rori or any of the girls here. Thanks so much for listening.



  51.  #51Gear on January 16, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    It feels like siren island has been brewing something beautiful. It feels like the hot summer months in which you can’t see any harvest, but everything is growing, progressing.

    It feels awesome, I feel like one of the young penguins or sirens, learning to walk, learning to swim, and watching other penguins tryout. I feel like I am growing, even though I don’t see any results yet. Sirens, I feel like to cheer you on. And I hope I would be as strong as all of you when the storm of emotion hit me that I would be able to keep being keep feeling keep experiencing, keep receiving, keep expressing.

    Good night, Beautiful sirens, this is an inspirational island.



  52.  #52Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    Izzy, I like your process, too! And I know those feelings of just not knowing what to say and feeling overwhelmed. It can be very frustrating.

    I still wish that there was some way to “like” comments on the blog. Rori, if you ever do a site overhaul, maybe something to consider with the web designers! : )



  53.  #53Tereana on January 16, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    P.S. My cat literally snores. She is so funny…. 🙂



  54.  #54lovetodance on January 16, 2015 at 9:47 pm

    [[[[[[gear]]]]]]



  55.  #55Indigo on January 17, 2015 at 1:22 am

    I went out for a coffee date with the guy who got all offended when I didn’t reply right away and then apologised afterwards, and I’m so glad I did.

    I SO nearly cancelled. I was all ready to send him a message saying I couldn’t make it, and then I saw a message from him asking if we were still on, and I said yes, see you there.

    He was lovely, which I wasn’t expecting. He seemed a little nervous, but he was introverted just like me, an IT nerd, and he was just very sweet. He showed me pictures of his cats, which were very cute, and I could feel his affection for them, and he talked about his job, and he was actually funny and a good conversationalist. I found myself feeling warm and melting when he smiled, which surprised me. I kept it to an hour, as per my protocol, but I really enjoyed meeting him. huh. Be open and curious and prepared to be surprised… it works.



  56.  #56Dixie on January 17, 2015 at 4:36 am

    50 – Gear, yes, that is exactly how I feel here – inspired, heard, valued, safe.

    It’s funny but even after a few months, I can sense a huge difference in my energy. It’s shifted back to me and my projects, my Big Dreams, which funnily enough, have nothing to do with a relationship,

    I honestly believe that there is divine (in an inspired sense, not religious) timing to everything. Andrea’s experience with RRcd just knocked my socks off – the timing was great.

    Even though it feels like D and I are navigating new waters now, which is exciting, I am so grateful for the time I had away from him. Painful as it felt, I learned SO much valuable insight here that now, my rock, my big oak, is ME. Last night, I had the most wonderful conversation with a colleague I hadn’t seen in donkeys years, and everything she said resonated so much for me. I can see so clearly the kind of collaborative, creative, passionate energy I need in a relationship. Even imagining how that would feel is delicious.

    When I got home, I started listening to a podcast interview of someone who inspires me. Her husband is the founder of s massive grassroots fitness movement in the US, the November Project. That story itself, of the grassroots movement, makes me tingle literally with excitement. Anyhow, I’m taking the back country route to the main point here: in the interview, she described the collaborative, creative energy she shared with her husband and I suddenly felt, “Alright Universe! I can see the perfect timing here!” As she spoke, I could feel the perfectedness of hearing her describe an experience that I am on the brink of enjoying.

    Here’s to synergy and perfect timing 🙂



  57.  #57Dixie on January 17, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Andrea 41: “happy, really happy.” That’s so amazing! Happy has been my word of late recently. I can’t put my finger on it, but something has been feeling good, really good. I’m going to give due credit to the energy on these boards!

    Indigo 54: I totally would have made an excuse as well, lol, but good for you for going! That’s a huge step! “Be open and curious and prepared to be surprised…it works.”

    This comment describes what I’ve been feeling – so many moments of serendipity 🙂



  58.  #58Dixie on January 17, 2015 at 4:49 am

    44: Tereana, your comment made me laugh! I changed it for myself…positive energy is like crack.



  59.  #59Dixie on January 17, 2015 at 4:55 am

    Andrea, Azure Blu, I think it was both of you who described using feeling messages with your children/family relationships?

    I was thinking of that on Thursday. My sister and I are relatively close, but sometimes the relationship feels so fractious and prickly and uneasy, that there was a blowout in October that reverberated all the way into December. It felt so awful and scary that I suggested mediation as a safe place to learn how to communicate better. I can’t say it was easy – it felt scary for me, because in the past, I’ve felt bullied and belittled- but I kept thinking of what you ladies had been able to accomplish with the tools, and it gave me a surge of courage. Thank you 🙂 xo



  60.  #60Gear on January 17, 2015 at 5:10 am

    @Indigo 54, I am feeling inspired by your patience and openness. Living in the moment, being in the present, not requires not to worry about future, also requires to forget the past, good or bad.

    @((((((Dixie)))))))

    @((((((Lovetodance))))))



  61.  #61Gear on January 17, 2015 at 5:12 am

    Correction- Not only requires not to worry about future, it also requires….



  62.  #62Cutie on January 17, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Gear – your post about siren island made me feel warm and like I’m part of something wonderful.

    Dixie – I love your flip from man crack to “positive energy is like crack.” Yes, I love positive energy. Historically, I have been a bit of a dark person, who tended to think in worst-case scenarios. I feel excited that the tides are turning in my life.

    Indigo – So excited to hear about your date! What a great case for CDing!

    Though I’m now in an eight-month relationship with a wonderful man and marriage on the table, I was CDing like crazy for about nine months before I met him. I wasn’t into really any of these guys that I dated, but it did not matter. It was all about the free therapy!

    I don’t think I would have even noticed my current guy (and he is the sexiest man alive to me!) and certainly I would not have appreciated him had I not had all those many dating experiences in the nine months prior.

    I did not really do the online dating thing to get CDs, but I got crazy open in real life in terms of eye contact, five-second smile, feeling messages with everyone, etc. AND I gave my number to any guy who asked me for it who did not frighten or repulse me. This was a HUGE step for me, as I had always been a bit superficial about the men I chose to date.

    When I was out and about and my current guy (at the time, a stranger to me), walked by, we made prolonged eye contact, and then he said “hi,” and I said hi back and the rest is history.



  63.  #63Cutie on January 17, 2015 at 9:16 am

    Ladies, I feel the need to write out something that I am currently struggling with in my relationship. I feel hopeful this help me in that struggle. I am open to feedback, too!

    I have a long history of wearing the pants in relationships. Masculine energy. The super-organized, get-it-all-done girl. The one who makes the plans according to all her wishes, and the man trails along happily.

    Well, while this was great for efficiency and order and getting my way all the time, turns out it’s not so great for romance. I did not learn that until I found Rori in September 2013, and then I began working to lean back and let the man take the lead. Much more exciting and natural-feeling!

    OK, so this worked out great in CDing. I felt as if, all of a sudden, I had some kind of magic love dust that made (almost) every man fall for me. And I was letting them show me who they were — because I wasn’t running the show, I got to see how they ran it!

    Eventually, all this practice landed me in my current awesome relationship with a truly kind, charismatic, intelligent and MASCULINE man.

    Now, here’s the problem… As he and I become closer and closer and more and more comfortable with each other, I find myself slipping back into my old ways!

    Very subtle stuff as of now, which is why this is a good time to catch it, but for example: Me jumping in right away and asking the waitress to clean off our table, when I totally KNOW that he takes care of that stuff for us.

    Another example, me starting to get into his business a bit too much and breaking one of the Four Rules – do not advise, suggest, warn, coax a man. He was fretting about skipping the gym for a family function, but saying he knew it was the right and healthy thing to do. And I jump in telling him how it’s healthy to be able to skip a day or two of working out here and there, and that missing out on social activities is a sign of exercise addiction. Oops!!

    I feel called to remember what Rori says, that you either lead or you follow, you cannot have both. And I know leading does not work for me. He’s the president, and I’m the vice-president. No more mommy-ing the president!

    I’m going to put my headphones on and listen to “Reconnect Your Relationship” while I clean out my closet!



  64.  #64Indigo on January 17, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Cutie, thank you so much 🙂

    He sent me a message saying how much he enjoyed meeting me and saying that he forgot to compliment me on how nice I looked. Awww.

    I have another coffee date on Monday night… I am enjoying feeling curious.



  65.  #65Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 9:49 am

    {{{{Gear #50}}}}
    Ahhhh… me too… because of the love, sharing, authentic vulnerability and ALLL the learning…
    I am MORE playful,
    I laugh out loud even when no one is around…
    Sing and dance all through my house,
    grocery store,
    mall!!!
    Siren Island is life changing for me!!!
    oxoxo



  66.  #66Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Cutie.. #66
    Yes, thank you for the reminder how I sneak back into pushing, mothering, leading…
    I don’t like doing it… I DONT want to do this…
    Lots of practicing for me to do..



  67.  #67Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Ooops Cutie.. I meant #62



  68.  #68Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 9:54 am

    (((Indigo)))
    I feel happy to hear about this new CD!!
    oxoxo



  69.  #69Indigo on January 17, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Dixie & Azure Blu,

    Thank you dearest Sirens for the support 🙂

    xx



  70.  #70April Rose on January 17, 2015 at 11:23 am

    I got seven matches from the speed dating last week, and all of them have asked me out!!!



  71.  #71Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    !!!! April Rose!!!!
    I can hear YOUR Siren Song!!!
    how exquisitely Wonderful!



  72.  #72Femininewoman on January 17, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    Woohoo April Rose!!!



  73.  #73Labbit on January 17, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    April Rose — WHOA. That is so great!!



  74.  #74Liquid Light on January 17, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    April Rose, that is amazing and wonderful! You are rocking it girl!!



  75.  #75Mandy on January 17, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Sirens,

    I feel I would like to share something positive!

    I feel so good the past few days, I’ve been doing SOMETHING right, or maybe a few things.

    I was put back into Circular Dating by the Universe. I was so desperate for my man’s attention, I decided, ah jeez, forget the guilt about it, I need some attention here, so I chatted up a man.

    This man sounds funny but at least I feel validated as a sexy SIRENY woman. I feel it all throughout my body and the air…spring is around the corner LOL…just kidding, it’s coming from me! 🙂 My body feels so right on.

    J has been coming to me for affection…it’s usually me going to him! He notices I’m not always paying full attention to him these days, so he feels the space and comes towards me. 🙂 It is weird how I get so stuck in my boy energy, I forget for like three months how to feel myself back into Siren mode. I would like to improve on switching hats.

    I get compliments on my figure which I’ve never gotten before because since I’ve been completely 110% with J, I’ve lost so much weight, so I’m not used to it, but it feels great!

    I’ve slowed down because CDing helps me realize it’s not about me. J’s issue is just that he can’t get a hard-on from his girlfriend, but from other stimuli, and I’ve accepted that as okay. I didn’t realize that even though he’s using other means to become aroused it is all for me. I know he used some porn one night to come surprise me with a hard-on, which was absolutely wonderful, lol.

    Dominique…hearing me here? 🙂 Smiles 🙂 I feel proud because I feel like when I am on top of taking care of me, I can totally handle that stimuli. The stimuli might be part of our personality as a couple. It might be a tool for us to be together physically. It’s like, he doesn’t need a pill, but he does need some stimuli, and I’m the exact same way! I will continue to share with you. You are my “Love and Sex Sensei”. 🙂 I feel a lot of warmth in my heart when I think of how much you have helped and how absolutely sweet and soothing you have been to me. 🙂 I LOVE these coaches. Love them! I almost wish I could send them thank-you cards, lol.

    Even if he and I don’t last, I am figuring some things out that feel great.

    What WIERD is that it didn’t happen until I gave up again and thought hey we should just end it, and I started detaching from being weirded out when a girl talks to him. That’s great too.

    I know he feels awkward about sex when I feel jealous and angry. So, gotta keep that at bay by just refusing to care about if someone approaches him.

    Were going out tonight, and it is the last night at this club we like, the industrial club night, where we dress to the nines…and yes, we both flirt with women together…it is part of our intimacy! 🙂

    Doesn’t mean I’m not still exploring my other options. But it’s all about me. 🙂

    I feel like a FOX today 🙂 It’s getting hot in here! 🙂



  76.  #76prplpsn28 on January 17, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Last night didn’t go well. I feel like giving up 🙁



  77.  #77Andrea on January 17, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    Oh my daughter caught this afternoon getting ready for work; I was standing in the bathroom mirror putting on my make up and just started giggling because I saw this sparkle in my eyes that I’d not noticed before. I said out loud, “Andrea, you’re fantastic!”

    My daughter came into the bathroom and asked, “Mom, who are you talking to in here?”

    I blushed and then said, “I just told myself that I’m fantastic.”

    I then thought, you know what? How many times must my daughter have watched me grouch at myself, or look at myself with dissatisfaction. How accepting is she of her mother’s habit of putting herself down instead of raising herself up. ?? I hope my daughters will remember me as a woman who valued and loved herself so much that she giggled at herself in the mirror and told herself how wonderful she was.

    I hope one day my daughter will repeat that story of catching me in the bathroom mirror talking to myself. I hope she’ll say, “My mom was telling herself how fantastic she was…. and you know what?? She really was!!”



  78.  #78Andrea on January 17, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    I don’t know how to explain this happiness.

    I haven’t heard from RRguy since Monday night.
    So sometimes I get caught up in wondering if I made some statement to him that pushed him away. I wonder if I made some mistake. I wonder if he is moving on to something or someone that is more suitable.
    AND
    I’m loving this practice of bringing myself back to the present moment. I’m loving this practice of sinking into my own feelings, my own body, and asking, “Is it really true that you are needing RRguy right now? What could be true-er?”

    Sometimes what I’m really feeling is fatiqued. I go work out, or I go take a nap and I don’t feel icky anymore. Sometimes I’m really feeling a lack of physical intimacy. I go and jump on one of my daughters and lavish them with hugs and kisses and I don’t feel icky anymore. Sometimes I’m really hungry, or want male attention, or feel fear for the future, or want to be rescued, or or or

    None of those can be resolved by RRguy at present moment, because RRguy is not HERE!

    This morning, I woke with that kind of dread of Oh No, I want a man and he doesn’t want me and he’s the only man that I want and I’ll never get what I want and oh,oh,oh, poor me…..

    And then I sat with my feelings and my body felt so sore and tense in my shoulders and my neck and I felt the weight of the world was about to fall upon me and what I really REALLY needed was my daddy!!!

    So, I called my dad. And we had THE BEST conversation. He noted how happy and relaxed I sounded. And I thought, “Wow! That’s awesome! Cause in actuality, in real time, in present moment, I AM Happy and Relaxed.”

    And I’m feeling that his is such good practice for me. I’m feeling so grateful for this experience.

    Another thing that I suddenly realized for some reason is that I have had a whole bunch of men through out my life time just adore me. I’ve had boys and men really really like me, some even love me. They’ve shown me all the signs. In retrospect…. I can see how hard they tried.

    But I couldn’t accept it. I was always so insecure. I always pushed them away with my insecurity. I always tried to control everything and could never accept that someone just liked me for me.

    I remember all the hoops my very first crush at band camp went through to get to know me during camp. He’d skip his own concerts to come watch mine. He introduced me to his friends, his family on parent’s night etc.. And I remember that I kept pointing out to him other girls that would probably be better for him. I was racked with the notion that he deserved and would probably go after some other girl, some better girl. I remember now that he kept trying to convince me over and over again that he liked ME.

    I never believed him.

    This morning when I hung up the phone from my dad he said, “I love you Andrea.”
    And I just really let that sink in. A man, my dad, loves me. Always has. Always will. Nothing I will ever need to do to make that happen. He just does.

    Something inside me is just ready to be whole and joyful and happy. Something inside me is just jumping at the bit for the REAL TRUE PARTNERSHIP that is on it’s way.

    Not hearing from RRguy is making me feel kind of bored with this situation and I feel less interested in making myself available to him. (Making my energy less available to him.)

    And ps… I just noticed that about two weeks ago my old flame Joe attempted to contact me via facebook. hmmm… I get to feel uninterested in someone that I used to really have the hots for. I’ve just realized that I can do so much better for myself.



  79.  #79Dominique on January 17, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    Mandy – 74 – I hear you!!! 🙂 And I feel SO proud of you. Thank you for this, all of it, sweet goddess lady.

    xxoo



  80.  #80lovetodance on January 17, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    Carefull…..Riff Warning….

    i am sighing alot..
    ..

    feeling this feeling ….sooo familiar

    being passed over in a work situation….

    kinda included but not totally….

    feeds into those feelings of not enough
    not confident enough
    not something enough

    and you know

    its true…i don’t feel confident enough at the moment to take on the project and yet the only way i will is to have the opportunity and take the plunge…

    i feel hurt in my body….tight chest….shallow breathing, tired eyes somewhat warm and watery…

    these feelings are exhausting…they can happen with a man, a job, a friend….getting passed over….

    and the feelings are toxic….they just hurt…
    i have to strengthen that muscle that turns the great ship around…

    not to wallow in hurt, sadness, despair….

    to go you know what honey…you are very unique, wonderful, creative, talented and capable…no matter what door or doors aren’t open or close…there are other doors and windows, and portals, and possibilites….feeling bad, feeling rejected just perpetuates the sadness….

    i am pouring love all over me now…i am going to take a warm bath…and if need to cry i will ….to release the energy and keep knowing how worthwhile and fabulous i truely am….

    the world may not give the kind of validation i need…but i can give it to myself…to my adorable and talented self….



  81.  #81Azure Blu on January 17, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    {{{{lovetodance}}}} #79
    Ahhhh… lovely Siren…
    Soft, warm and comforting HUGS for you…

    I feel sad you did not get the project…
    I know how disappointment can take away
    your energy
    start the NV raging…

    Maybe after riffing
    you can FLIP it…
    you can remember All
    the projects
    that you did get
    That you do have
    that lead to all that you ARE now…

    You can ask Lovetodance to come and sit next to you
    and say “I didn’t realize this meant so much
    to you?” sit here and tell me about it…
    Let’s have some tea and let me hear
    about it…”
    “I sooo care about your sorrow and disappointment”

    Love to you gentle lady…



  82.  #82Lovetodance on January 18, 2015 at 3:48 am

    Azure blu
    Thank you so much for your comfort
    I feel soothed and heard ….

    Yes yes yes
    I am grateful for all that has been given and manifested. All that has come to be creatively in my life

    This feels like a steep incline laced with perilous cliffs deep dark ravines that takes skill to navigate. Skill I know I have ….
    Skill and courage that is there but many times gets swallowed up by the fear.

    Fear of doing it wrong,being evaluated . Fear of coming up short.

    And yet who of us has soared to our heights without that fear walking alongside?

    I am being asked to move way outside my comfort zone and it isn’t comfortable gosh dang it!

    I will sit with my little girl. Brew some tea and get our parachutes ready!

    Thank you again azure. You are a friend!



  83.  #83Gear on January 18, 2015 at 5:26 am

    @Joanna, I hear you. I feel for you. I feel you did the right things, by not comforting him while he was crying, while I don’t remember I’ve seen any man I dated crying- but again, I have never lived with any man, nor dated any man very long. So when you live together, you might have noticed everything. It does sound manipulation to me, when a man crying in a conflicting situation, to get his way. He might be the feeling type of person, more feminine. Depends on how long have you been together, and how often this happens, you might have to decide if this is what you want.
    Beyond that, do you feel in your feminine energy when you are in your relationship? Have you worn the pants since the beginning of the relationship? Feminine attracts masculine. Is your man masculine most of the time? If this is the man who meets your core needs, then you might be able to live with it. It does not sound like hurt you in anyway, except you have to be more emotionally tolerate. But as long as you stay in your boundary, not give in to any manipulation. It will not get you. And the manipulation will stop. He did apologize, that feels better. – well, that’s my 2 cents.



  84.  #84Gear on January 18, 2015 at 5:51 am

    @joanna, I would open up a conversation once he comes down, just genuine get to know him, what made him cry. You two live together, so I bet you both love each other and you are moving towards marriage. Then out of care for him and care for your relationship, I would, if I were you , ask him with curiosity, and find out more, I am sure the communication after the conflict will make you grow deeper in knowing each other. You don’t have to comfort him at the moment, but afterwards, especially he apologized, let both of you to have the opportunity to share. No one’s emotion gets ignored. I would also express my feelings at the end that “I feel stressed, worried, lost and helpless when someone I love cry. I care about you, but crying made me feel distant, manipulated, I don’t want….I want both of us able to share in love, care, trust and harmony.

    I don’t know if I am too naive or not, but this is what I would do. 16 years ago, I dated a very sensitive man who treated me so well, but as you can guessed that I was very masculine at the time, and very insensitive. He never cried in front of me, but I did see his eyes wet the last time I dropped him off at the airport, (it was a long distance relationship, which made it harder.) if I had known then what I know now, it could be such a wonderful relationship…

    Hug,



  85.  #85Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 6:04 am

    JoHanna…
    How lovely to have you join us here on Siren Island!!

    I agree with Gear… She has given some really good Feeling messages…

    I think you did so well sitting and listening…
    Watching how YOU were feeling during the time he was
    Sharing HIS feelings and crying…
    I have not had a man cry like that over a regular
    day event…
    Yes… think of allllll that YOU appreciate HIM for…
    all the wonderful things he does…
    kisses, huggs, hand holding…
    He loves you and you love him…
    To me what Gear said seems perfect:
    I would share this with him when your emotions and His emotions are balanced…
    ““I feel stressed, worried, lost and helpless when someone I love cries.
    I care about you,
    crying made me feel distant,
    manipulated,
    I don’t want——- (fill in here)
    I want both of us able to share in love, care, trust and harmony. WHat do you think?”



  86.  #86Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 6:08 am

    {{{{{Prpleperson}}}}}
    You are doing so well!!

    Listening to YOUR feelings…

    Focusing on your children all the attention,
    love and appreciation they deserve.

    Focusing on YOU
    and Loving YOU!!
    Keep CDing
    watch what the triggers are for YOU

    look in the mirror this morning
    find one thing YOU like…
    Your beautiful, brown hair…
    Your long eyelashes… your lips?
    And tell yourself How beautiful
    they are… say it OUTLOUD!!
    then give YOURSELF a big hugggggg
    while your looking in the mirror…

    This usually helps ME!! ;~>



  87.  #87Femininewoman on January 18, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Johanna hi and welcome. I have seen it more than once and know that it does feel awkward. Yet really it is about how society has socialized the male and feminine differently. It is like the man must always be strong and it is our role to cry. I do believe a lot of what you experience was based on your thoughts and judgements and that is okay because you were aware enough during the experience noticing yourself and how icky it felt. I imagine you might have even felt like outgirling him. Anyway you could have offered him a tissue, or some words of validation acknowledging his feelings. I have no problem offering words like “I know exactly how you feel” or “I imagine that the experience must have you feeling powerless and I know that you will figure out how to solve it”. Something along those lines. Men are human and I believe he was just being human there.

    You were not heartless maybe just feeling helpless in the face of it. The situation might just have been the feather that broke the camel’s back. He might have been feeling overwhelmed by his inability to fix your relationship and the incident just added to his burden. Nothing much you could have done. The only thing I’d recommend is that when he does try to fix the relationship that you check yourself for resistance around his attempts and get clear with yourself if you really want the relationship or not.

    Hope this helps.



  88.  #88April Rose on January 18, 2015 at 6:49 am

    Hiya ladies,

    I would like your input please.
    I have a date tomorrow night. It’s a first date, and it’s in the evening! I usually just do an hour over coffee in the daytime for a first date, only this time I want to feel the sensuality of evening and see what surroundings my date takes me to.

    I have met him for three minutes, at speed dating. He is number15, the man whose presence made me feel instantly calm. He had a level of sophistication about him that made him stand out from the other men there. I don’t even think he is aware of it. We had a pretty ordinary conversation on the phone, and have been texting a little since then trying to set up a coffee date, although daytimes weren’t working out for me in my schedule.

    So, what I want to ask is – he has offered to pick me up. This feels lovely and grown up and means I wouldn’t need to get on public transport – is there any reason not to let a man see where you live? I wouldn’t ask him inside anyway. I feel embarassed about the shabby state of my house; it’s really just a place where I keep my things, and cook and sleep. (Poor April Rose, I do so dream of having artistic surroundings with lots of good taste and a touch of luxury…)

    What say you beautiful ladies on this? Any experiences you can share will be most welcome.



  89.  #89Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 7:04 am

    April Rose,

    Wonderful that you had so many men from your speed dating night that wanted to see you again. I am SO happy for you.

    As far as your date picking you up, I say if it feels good, let him. It will be a good opportunity to practice receiving – no need to apologise for the state of your home, masculine men don’t care about that. And of course, you don’t have to invite him in. Some may feel it’s unwise to let a man you don’t know pick you up the first time, and usually I’d agree, but I think a touch of spontaneity sometimes is romantic.



  90.  #90Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 8:24 am

    April Rose,
    Mmmmm… wondering why you haven’t fixed your house to be like YOU want and crave?
    Taking Excellent care of your surroundings
    doesn’t always have to cost money…
    I’ve manage to find some beautiful paintings and knick knacks (actually worth quite a bit when I researched them) at resale shops…
    so fun to “hunt” for things… :-))
    Had a painting party with my friends… one room at a time…
    Just my thoughts…



  91.  #91Olivia on January 18, 2015 at 9:04 am

    I feel smug and self-satisfied and teacherly
    I feel compassion for the ladies who are struggling
    I feel lucky
    I keep rori-ing my man of 2 and a half years and it keeps being awesome
    Of course we have fights and of course sometimes i throw rori out the window — especially when we are with my friends I get all loud and crazy and not sireny demure like he likes me —
    –and sometimes i act super silly and childish and i know it’s not very siren–
    but i get away with it cause i slide back into rori moves
    i feel confident and in charge
    i feel so grateful for this knowledge
    xxxx to everyone



  92.  #92Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 9:06 am

    and then of course… I am not a very tidy person…
    so I have been loving ME and MY Messy self…
    I love HER!!! She’s adorable!!!

    Funny thing… I’ve been tidying up more…
    Liking how I feel with MY bedroom clean and neat!!
    I ALWAYS (we are talking YEARS!!!)
    Would let my room be Sooo messy…
    looking back I realize how BAD I felt
    to be neglecting myself so much…

    I feel cherished and happy that my room is neat and clean!
    Part of ME loving ME!!



  93.  #93Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Olivia…
    Ahhh… feels like a fresh, spring breeze
    blowing into Siren Island
    Thank you for this lovely sharing…
    Vulnerable and authentic…
    I feel hopeful reading how Rori’s tools work for you!



  94.  #94Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 9:16 am

    April Rose…
    About letting a man pick me up on the first date…
    This is just me…
    I NEVER let them pick me up at my home UNLESS they are friends with some of my friends…
    but I do have a car…

    I have had 4 dates with FA and I’m thinking I might let him pick me up next time…

    It;s not just for safety (that is a BIG part)

    I feel MY hOme is MY sanctuary…

    I’ve been Cding for years…
    Too many men coming in my home just feels
    overwhelming…

    Maybe I’m feeling burned out…
    Not sure I really want FA to come to my home…
    he’s really nice and all… but… I feel tired today
    thinking about letting one more man in my home..



  95.  #95Cutie on January 18, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Oooo, thank you Feminine Woman, for your advice to Johanna. I needed to hear these words, as a reminder of how to talk to my man in a feminine way when he’s going through hardship — “I know exactly how you feel” or “I imagine that the experience must have you feeling powerless and I know that you will figure out how to solve it”.

    My old way was to try to cheer him up or solve his problem or feel angry and pouty myself because he’s in a bad mood lol.



  96.  #96Cutie on January 18, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Olivia, I loved reading what you wrote! And I feel all giggly that Rori has become a verb (Rori-ing). Awesome.



  97.  #97Olivia on January 18, 2015 at 9:26 am

    thank you azure blue! i see you and your beautiful name! azure blue like the ocean the sky and mountain lakes and flowers! ahhh!!!



  98.  #98lovetodance on January 18, 2015 at 9:37 am

    azure blu 81

    thank you for the warm comfort wisdom and support…

    i wrote you a response very early this am and somehow it didn’t get posted…
    hmmm the moderation gremlin again?

    yes i am sitting with little lovetodance …we have brewed tea…wondering where all this lives….holding ourselves and me saying to her/me yes yes yes….we are lovely, we have managed much beauty and creativity….we are in for more….i will take care of you always….
    dust off your parachute little and big one….what scares us also will propel us….
    who doesn’t feel fear when one goes beyond their comfort zone?

    laying in bed this am….wondering of my mom and our
    dynamic….how we triggered each other….i so emotional and she so afraid of emotional intimacy….and my dad ….such the masculine feminine mix…i felt unconditionally loved and appreciated by him….funny i should have issues with relationship….i do love men…it seems tho i have quite a critical eye when it comes to them….i don’t want to be controlled by them, nor control them, nor be intimidated or bored by them….

    my unique blend of come here go away….maybe there are some paralelles with how i show up in the world professionally…

    i have always wondered about that….as i achieve more success in my chosen pursuit professionally….will i also become more confident, graceful and relaxed with men i am attracted too? will the self esteem naturally attract ones who i am more suited for?

    hmmmmm one ponders..

    thank you again azure…you are a warm and generous siren!



  99.  #99lovetodance on January 18, 2015 at 9:49 am

    ahemmm

    in re-reading i want to change

    ‘men who i am more suited for ..to ‘ men who are more suited to me’….

    subtle but powerful …

    i want to own my prize-ness…my power…my catch ness…my incredible unique beauty in this world….

    YES!



  100.  #100lovetodance on January 18, 2015 at 9:53 am

    annndddd

    how about ….

    men who measure up to me and the work i have done emotionally spiritually physically and intellectually

    sometimes i have been bored by men who are too much like myself…either too feminine or too intellectually or too psychologically oriented…wow…one truely does need to be a custom fit for me….

    and i know i sure do like those manly men…kinda ruff around the edges….uh huh!



  101.  #101Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 9:55 am

    I need to vent today. I’m not sure why. I just think it would feel good.

    I am sorry if anyone is getting tired of hearing my story but really I am gradually just moving ever upwards, slowly slowly, and feeling more sireny and confident as time goes by, and this blog has played a big part in that.

    So I saw D over the weekend – and come to think of it, I had 3 “boundary setting” type conversations with him, about 3 different issues. Two of them I executed quite well, the third maybe not so much, but that is ok. I totally forgive myself, and actually I feel more proud that I honoured myself and brought it up than I feeling badly that it didn’t go so well.

    So, the first one was to do with our sleeping arrangements. D and I normally have a lengthy cuddle before bed, but then sleep in separate beds because we both sleep better in separate beds. Honestly for the first year we slept in the same bed but it never really got easier to sleep (like it has done with other guys) so eventually we did sleep in separate beds. I mulled over this issue for a very long time – I went back and forth on it many times. I went back and forth with him on it many times. Finally it got to the point where, if I wanted to, I could go and sleep in the bed with him, but I’d usually just end up going back to my bed later on because I couldn’t fall asleep. But the cuddling in bed aspect had fallen by the wayside. Anyway, on Friday night, I decided to bring it up – he was receptive to my request (I could tell this had a lot to do with the leaning back I’ve been doing) and even though I did eventually go back to my bed to sleep, we did snooze for quite a long time happily and peacefully in each other’s arms. The next morning, I don’t know, we both seemed happier and more peaceful so the bed cuddle was a good thing – but mostly I was glad that I’d been able to talk to him about it and that it had had a positive outcome.

    The second conversation had to do with physical exclusivity – I have decided this is a dealbreaker for me. D and I are not exclusive but I have decided I cannot be in any way, in any way at all, involved with him, if he is in any way involved with another woman. I realized I had been approaching this all wrong, and just getting clear on my boundary helped me to see how to approach it. In the past I would plead and cajole and tell him how sad it would make me – all the while, as I now see, lowering myself before him and putting my happiness in his hands – AND making him feel pressured and like I was telling him what to do to boot. So this time, I simply asked him if he was involved with someone else. He said no. I told him that it was his perfect right to do so, but to please be honest and upfront with me about it (so that I can then take the necessary steps to completely remove myself) and he agreed and again said he was not involved with anyone else. His whole demeanour was totally different – I realized now that instead of him reminding me that I couldn’t tell him what to do, he now realized that him being involved with another woman would mean losing me altogether. I was not trying to make a demand, I was simply stating a boundary, and I could very clearly feel the difference and so could he. The conversation was short and very clear, and that made me happy. I know he loves me more than anyone else and doesn’t want to lose me, so for me this was a very important point to make clear.



  102.  #102Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 9:57 am

    FemWoman…
    I too agree with Cutie…
    Such wonderful caring words to share with
    a man who is going thru hard times…
    I have pasted and copied them in my archives..
    Thank you!
    oxoxo



  103.  #103Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 10:05 am

    The third and final conversation we had was to do with my birthday treat/present – the failed movie date. This was the conversation I did not handle quite as well as the other two. I suggested he take responsibility for how it turned out – he got defensive. I got somewhat emotional and sad because I was wondering whether he was going to get me anything after all for my birthday – he had his usual walls up and was almost impossible to talk to, saying it was a bad time, fluctuating between saying he’d get me something else for my birthday, and getting impatient and angry, and finally pleading with me to please let this one slide. At that point I left his house, which I had been planning to do around then anyway, but I just didn’t want to continue the situation. I felt, and feel sad – birthdays are important to me, and I got him a beautiful birthday present. This is not something I will do again until I have gotten quite clear about what we are mutually doing for birthday presents. Honestly I feel a bit resentful because of the lovely present I got him and angry with him too. I am leaning back and just want some time away from him to process these feelings.

    Even though he was quite sweet to me over the weekend – he’s offered me a bed for my new apartment and he made an absolutely delicious breakfast yesterday morning – I am not ready to let this go yet, so probably best if I just put some space between us for a little while.



  104.  #104lovetodance on January 18, 2015 at 10:06 am

    indigo….

    i feel so happy for you and please know i never tire of reading your posts….

    your smarts….are so sireney and welcome here on my version of siren island…

    your femininity and clarity ….and seeing how you grow and glow makes me feel good and happy to know you this way!

    so happy this growth is taking place within you and outside of you!



  105.  #105Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 10:09 am

    lovetodance #97
    thnk you for your sweet appreciation…
    oxoxo

    how kind, warm and comforting you talked to yourself…
    I started saying those things to me too…
    just lovely and warm… Ahhh… cherishing ourselves!

    I have discovered with alll the help from my Rori coach Natalina Love…
    that how I cherish and appreciate my masculine (work and money)
    does reflect my relationships with men…
    She changed that dynamic so quickly for me…



  106.  #106Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 10:12 am

    lovetodance 98-9
    You are sounding so sireny here…
    reflecting on YOU and YOUR needs and wants…
    more powerful…
    more sure of who YOU are…
    Self loving…
    I LIKE that!
    ;->



  107.  #107Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 10:16 am

    lovetodance,

    Thank you so much 🙂 that makes me feel incredibly warm and smiley 🙂



  108.  #108Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Indigo #100…
    lovely Siren…
    your wonderful authentic self.. you are beautiful and amazing…
    How loved and appreciated and cared for YOU must feel after
    taking care of YOU for YOU!!!
    those trust muscles are BUlGING
    AND the intimacy muscles too!!!

    Great job!



  109.  #109Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Indiot…
    about the birthday…
    what is the trigger here for you?
    what is the mirror from D around this…
    Has he NOT given you birthday, xmas, valentines gifts in the past?

    For Me
    gifts to ME on Special occasions ARE important…
    they show thoughtful, caring, appreciation
    and LOVE
    the exchanging of gifts to ones I love IS important to me!!!



  110.  #110Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you 🙂 I feel that my leaning back muscles, trust muscles, intimacy muscles are all growing by leaps and bounds, so thank you very much 🙂

    D has ALWAYS done something for my birthday. When we were in a committed relationship he got me beautiful birthday, Christmas, and anniversary presents. Two years ago he took me out for a birthday dinner and treat, last year he dropped off a beautiful birthday present for me even though we weren’t talking at the time. This year he did message me and phone me, and wanted to take me out, but he was very difficult around this and I didn’t feel good going. So then I was left wondering if he was going to do anything after all. D is actually very generous – with money, and also with getting me little things. But yes, just like you, birthdays are very important – so I feel upset that I feel “cheated” out of my birthday present because he was difficult around it and had to have it his way. I don’t want to just let it slide like he’s asked me to, not yet anyway. Argh, I don’t know. He’s not an easy man. My thoughts around this still feel muddled. Because yes, sometimes he can be great about giving presents. And sometimes not.



  111.  #111Dominique on January 18, 2015 at 11:09 am

    Indigo – 100 – SO beautiful, all of this. 🙂

    102 – This sounds so much like my classic Valentine’s Day story from so long ago. Do you remember it?

    And this all sounds like expectations whichh when we harbor them, we wind up feeling disappointed nearly every time.

    Men tend not to care about the gifts and the celebration for themselves. Yet many women still feel an obligation, a bad feeling feeling if they don’t deliver something to him. Yet for most men, it simply is not a big deal. So if a woman still wants to do something, she needs to for herself, not for him.

    You chose to do something for him on his day, and this was because it made YOU feel good. It wasn’t to ensure you received on your day, yes?

    Bringing something like this up pretty much in any way will make him feel defensive and pressured. I’ve been through this twice with K, and neither time did I feel good.

    So I completely let it go, and you know what? Magic happened. Anytime Valentine’s Day or my birthday or Christmas approached, I chose to feel happy and delighted no matter what, even if nothing at all appeared, and you know, I have never, ever felt disappointed since.

    Even this past Christmas when no gifts were exchanged, not even a card. BUT I still received lovely gifts in the form of him being off for two weeks, and we got to do some different, fun, lovely things together as well as sleep late every morning with extra snuggling and cuddling.

    All of these are very wonderful gifts indeed.

    And not for a moment did I feel resentment or cheated in any way.

    He also let me know though that finally, finally for my upcoming birthday in April, I will being having my life long dream realized – two weeks in Paris. Regardless, I would have felt content even without these news.

    So that said, I so understand how you feel, for I’ve been there, yet the sooner you can let this go, the better YOU will feel. He did what he could in those moments even if it felt to you as though it all fell short. Can you revel in the gifts he’s giving you now, the cuddles, the bed, the lovely breakfast? Can you maybe look at all of this as an apology and a making up for the missed birthday?

    Much love and hugs to you.

    xxoo



  112.  #112Dixie on January 18, 2015 at 11:09 am

    Indigo, I am feeling so grateful for your sharing. Honestly, watching your siren muscles learn to flex has been an inspiration to me., I don’t know quite what it is, but there is so much in your situation that speaks to me. I love how you handled the talk about exclusivity….

    I’ve been mulling over the same question. D. and I are getting closer again, and it feels wonderful. Still, there’s that piece about exclusivity that remains unspoken. You’ve given me a beautiful example of how to frame it. I know he loves me very much, he says so, and he’s very affectionate, but I don’t want to be involved with someone who may or may not have lingering feelings or interest in someone else.

    It’s hard because I do love him dearly and if I let my imagination wander, I can see how inspired we’d be as a
    partnership in love, work and play. And I don’t want that with someone who is half in, half out.

    So much inspiration on these boards.



  113.  #113Dixie on January 18, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Indigo, I am feeling so grateful for your sharing. Honestly, watching your siren muscles learn to flex has been an inspiration to me., I don’t know quite what it is, but there is so much in your situation that speaks to me. I love how you handled the talk about exclusivity….

    I’ve been mulling over the same question. D. and I are getting closer again, and it feels wonderful. Still, there’s that piece about exclusivity that remains unspoken. You’ve given me a beautiful example of how to frame it. I know he loves me very much, he says so, and he’s very affectionate, but I don’t want to be involved with someone who may or may not
    have lingering feelings or interest in someone else.

    It’s hard because I do love him dearly. We’ve come so far from when we were casual and it’s felt so emotionally intimate with him. I used to focus on “him” as part of my future. But now, what excites me more is a partnership in love, work and play. And as much as I love him, l don’t want that with someone who is half in, half out.

    Sigh. Time to do something else now instead of mull on this 🙂

    So much inspiration on these boards.



  114.  #114Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Indigo…
    HUGGGs darling sweet one

    BUT isn’t THAT the answer…
    YOU can’t control HIM…
    you can share with him that it bothered you…
    and how you felt…
    and his answer was for you to let it go…

    I’m still wondering what the trigger is here…
    YOU can’t make him want a committed relationship…
    All the leaning back is NOT to control D
    it’s to take time for you to learn more about you
    love you
    open a space for someone who is READY for
    what you are looking for…

    Maybe you are really stressed from moving?
    BIG changes in YOUR life…
    NEW job… standing up to D!
    All VERY stressful, darling indigo!
    pushing wide your comfort ZONE!

    What do YOU need to GIVE to YOU today?
    Maybe… sit your sad and disappointed Indigo down
    and tell her…
    You didn’t know it meant so much to her
    to NOt get this gift from D…
    You understand how she would be
    sad and disappointed…
    ask her to talk to you about it…



  115.  #115Dixie on January 18, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Huh. Didnt realize my first response actually made it in. Oops!



  116.  #116Dixie on January 18, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Azure Blu,

    I love what you just said to Indigo. You have such a loving and warm tone!



  117.  #117Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 11:27 am

    {{{Dixie}}}
    how lovely to hear this from you…
    oxoxo



  118.  #118Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Wow Dominique – I love your perspective.

    And I remember you telling me recently how much you wanted to go to Paris – I feel so incredibly glowing and happy hearing this news for you! Yay!!

    Oh, you can have no idea how much I appreciated this post to me just now. My heart was feeling very closed and tight around this – and your words to me have just coaxed it open a bit more.

    This that you said: “Anytime Valentine’s Day or my birthday or Christmas approached, I chose to feel happy and delighted no matter what, even if nothing at all appeared”

    This is what I want to aim for – to feel happy and delighted come what may, even if nothing at all appeared – I am not there yet, but I want to choose to get there. I want to feel happy come what may. I am so blessed in my life, with so many wonderful things that come my way.

    At the back of my mind I could see that the delicious breakfast, the bed, the cuddles, were his way of making up for it – oh I want to choose to have your perspective.

    Thank you xx – lots of love



  119.  #119Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Azure Blu 113,

    Thank you so much for this – yes it is all for me, I know I cannot control him.

    Beautiful words x



  120.  #120Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Dixie,

    Yes, I understand completely. Focusing on me, and what I wanted and how I wanted to feel was key… finally coming to the realization that I cannot control him, that I need to work this out for ME.

    I wish you much luck



  121.  #121Lovergirl on January 18, 2015 at 11:42 am

    (((Indigo))) That is hard when your expectations are up about something and they get crushed, no matter what it is. I want to share what I do for Valentines and Christmas, and even my birthday, since I have been single- which I guess is one of the few ways I am good a loving myself.

    I don’t expect to get anything from anyone. I instead buy MYSELF a nice gift. I seriously buy myself something I really want or something little depending on what I can afford at the time. I find it sooo much nicer, actually, than getting gifts from men because so often they aren’t that great about picking out something I really want anyway. Plus when I was married it just felt like he was doing those things out of obligation.

    Since my expectations for men are low, they tend to really happily surprise me on those days. Like for Christmas, my guy and I did not buy anything for each other. However, on Christmas Eve he spontaneously came shopping with me. I was buying last minute gifts for a niece and nephew and some groceries for making Christmas dinner. When we got to the checkout, he surprised me by pulling out his credit card and paying for it all. I thanked him and he just smiled and said “Merry Christmas”.

    Because guys are so used to being put to the test on those days, I think sometimes they get anxious about it. Having no expectations allows ME to be more gracious and happy with whatever they decide to give, even if its just a “happy valentines day” text. I don’t care so much because I bought myself beautiful roses and spoiled myself a bit. This year I may treat myself to a massage. 🙂



  122.  #122Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Funny thing about xmas gifts…
    This past xmas, 2014
    My son usually will get me a really nice bottle of wine and wonderful chocolates… something like that

    xmas came and went …
    I was all about letting it go and trying to be
    A great Siren…
    Appreciating what he does do…
    I was disappointed he didn’t get me ANYTHING!! :-/
    oh well….
    2 days after xmas justin came home from work and said… mom… get your coat on… I’m taking you out and getting you a big flat screen TV, and DVD player for your xmas present!!!
    MY tv is almost 20 years old… you can barely hear it or see anything!!!
    I was/am thrilled!! He was sooo sweet! How generous of him…
    I’m a lucky MOM!!
    Sooo glad I didn’t complain OR hint!!!
    Ahhhh… the Rori tools!



  123.  #123Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Yay Dominique!!!
    2 WEEKS IN PARIS… that sounds sooo DREAMY!!!



  124.  #124Gear on January 18, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel like to vent. I went to the speed dating on Wednesday. At the end, as I talked to my last date P, one of the ladies I knew came over to talk to us. (She was a new friend of me, also came to the speed dating and she and I caught up briefly before the event started.)

    While, P and I was still chatting, I felt being interrupted, but I didn’t say anything. My friend talk to P, Gear and I are friend. I knew each other. P asked, “Ah, you are friends?” how long have you known each other.?” She said, about a year. We met at a dining club. Then My friend looked at me, smiling, I knew she wanted to squeeze in the conversation, though I didn’t like that, I still said, “yeah, a couple of years.” Then P mumbled, “oh, then I am leaving.”

    I didn’t want him to leave, I wasn’t sure of our time was up or not, I wanted to talk with him more. I had thought he wanted too. But…
    Then my friend stuck with me kept talking to me.

    I now feel so angry, that she interrupted our conversation. I just learned a couple of weeks ago that she was so aggressive, and now think about what happened that night, she was again aggressive. We both are very similar, might look for the same kind of guy- professional wise-

    I feel so pissed that she interrupted, and I let her interrupted.

    What is the siren response at the time? How can I stick with my boundaries?
    I feel so angry and helpless. I met aggressive women a lot in my social circle. They can just shovel me to the side. If I had not agreed with her in the conversation, I might not have felt as bad.

    What do you ladies think, what’s the best way for me to handle that in that situation?

    I have not heard from P. But I did talked to the lady who chair the date. I said,”I circled every man except one.” She “that’s the way to go. I think every guy has circled you.”.

    Because this is not computer based, I don’t know who my matches are.



  125.  #125Labbit on January 18, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    100 Indigo — YAY!! This is so awesome. D must be madly impressed and incredibly intrigued by you. I’M INTRIGUED BY YOU.

    To 102 I think Dominique gave an amazing response in 110…one I would not have thought of but is so true and relevant. But to your post, I feel the same as you do. Not so much about birthdays (probably because mine is so close to Christmas and on a day when everyone is celebrating anyway) but surely on Valentine’s Day. Gives me some food for thought for this year as I admit I’d already started wondering what TenderCD would plan for that day. 🙂



  126.  #126Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    {{{Dixie #112}}}



  127.  #127Azure Blu on January 18, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    Gear #123
    Ahhh… yes, aggressive women friends…
    I too feel overwhelmed by them…
    Also some of them seem to know what to do to spoil what I have in mind for the evening
    or an event
    I guess I need to practice feeling messages with them…
    I never feel good when I try and out menuver them..
    Anyone have some ideas?



  128.  #128Liquid Light on January 18, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Cutie, I love how you are meeting your CDs in real life, holding their gaze for 5 sec and smiling! I have a hard time doing this with strangers, it feels really scary but your story is so inspiring! Maybe it will give me some courage to try it. Thank you!!!



  129.  #129Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    Lovergirl 120,

    Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me – I feel like it’s the same thing that Dominique was saying, so this is definitely a message for me to take into my heart. I think it may take quite a bit of coaxing my heart open – I come from a family where birthdays and Christmas are, and always have been, incredibly important – my mom has always spoilt us rotten even though she hasn’t had a lot of money. I always ALWAYS get presents for loved ones, it’s just unthinkable to me not to – BUT I can see from what you guys have said that the expectations can get me into trouble and have me feeling bad.

    I really want to have the same outlook as you and Dominique – I want to spoil myself and then be happy with whatever happens with the guy. This year D sent me two separate texts wishing me for my birthday AND he phoned me, and I want to be happy with that.

    Thank you – xx

    And thank you Azure Blu – I feel you are reinforcing what Lovergirl and Dominique have said, so I clearly need to take this message to heart.



  130.  #130Indigo on January 18, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Labbit 124,

    Thank you 🙂 *blush* I actually felt pretty good.

    Oh my goodness, the wondering about the gifts is SO stressful! I’d just as soon relieve myself of this stress. This is why I loved what Dominique had to say. Instead of feeling disappointed, I can expand my world.



  131.  #131Johanna on January 18, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    Ohmygoshh!! It feels so good to hear back from you lovely Sirens. Thanks so much for such a warm welcome and such kind and suppprtive words of advice. I got the chance to read your responses earlier and it really helped. It mean the world to me to hear from you girls.

    @Gear In the beginning of our relationship (as in the first 3 years) I felt in my feminine with him. I felt safe and loved and IN LOVE with him completely. I was so happy. I felt lucky.

    For the past 3 years though I have felt less and less in my feminine energy and it’s really taking a toll on me – mind, body and spirit. I don’t even feel like ME anymore. It’s breaking me down inside and out.

    Things started to change between us when our daughter was born. We were very young and definitely not in the best position to be having a baby. I felt like I was pretty much forced to step up for our daughter’s sake. I felt that he wasn’t stepping up the way he should have and I had to play both parts. That changed the dynamic between us pretty quickly.

    He’s cried 4 times (including last night) during our relationship that I can remember. Twice when I felt like we should break up, he cried both times and the the 3rd time was 2 years ago.

    When you said “depends on how often this happens”, my mind instantly flashed back to the last time that I saw him crying and I started crying. Ahh! No wonder I got so upset by his tears. It triggered me. Something more than just feeling manipulated.

    Really the last time that I saw him cry was when my niece passed away. She was just a few weeks old and I felt abandoned by him during this time. It was a horrible situation. No one handled it well in my family. It was a mess.

    My sister (it was her daughter who passed away) leaned on me and my brother-in-law leaned on my SO. But when my SO returned to me, he leaned on me too. The entire time. He broke down (I don’t blame him at all) and then he went back to supporting my brother-in-law.

    When my sister/SO weren’t leaning on me…. I had my daughter to take care of so I had to be strong for her as well.

    I felt lik didn’t get to lean on anyone. I didn’t get the chance to mourn or cry or anything. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to cry or to feel. Only to support and feel for others, to be strong. I didn’t know how to ask for love and support without feeling selfish/guilty.

    It felt like there was no one there to be strong for ME. I felt alone and uncared for. That affected me deeply.

    I cried so many times today just thinking about it all. And I realized how disconnected I’ve been with my feelings since then. I’ve just suppressed my feelings. And I haven’t even cried in the longest time. I cry once in a blue moon nowadays, but even then I suppress as much as I can without even thinking about it.

    Me! The girl who would shed serious tears over cartoons and animated films! I haven’t allowed myself to feel or to express my feelings for so long.

    I just wanted to share that with you Gear so that I could thank you! It felt so good to finally let that out. To finally FEEL that pain. (Sorry if the topic is too heavy ladies.) To finally cry. For once I got to cry, I got to feel and I got to lean on someone else. He comforted me while I cried and I let him hold me, let him come close. It felt so good.

    But I still feel hesitant towards him. I’m not sure what I want yet.



  132.  #132Johanna on January 18, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    @azure blu

    I love that name btw, so pretty. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. I’ve been trying to focus on the good and wonderful things about him. I don’t like having such a negative image of him in my mind! If I felt like I was “allowed” to take care of myself in our relationship then I probably wouldn’t have such a negative/judgmental view of him.

    I feel like there are so many unwritten rules that I have to follow in order to be with him. So I am working on my boundaries and trying to take care of myself. This distance between us makes me feel like “I’m allowed” to do this now. Once I feel good in that area then I’ll see how I view him and our relationship.

    In the mean time I will work on those feeling messages with him. Thank so much.



  133.  #133Johanna on January 18, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    @Feminine Woman

    You are so right! Offering validation! This was so helpful for me today. He was going through something and I was afraid to even acknowledge it because I feared that he’d put his problems on me. I remembered your advice and I simply validated his feelings and told him that I know he’d find a way to fix it. Wow! Thank you.

    And yes I am feeling resistant towards him. I feel overwhelmed and confused right now so I don’t feel comfortable making any decisions about our relationship. (Making decisions ughh! So stressful!!)

    For now I like the space between us. This way I feel more comfortable focusing on myself. Theres not so much pressure on me to focus on him, his needs, his problems (and everyone else’s), putting myself in last place. I just need some time for me right now. I’m working on it little by little. c:



  134.  #134Azure Blu on January 19, 2015 at 12:45 am

    Johanna,
    Gentle siren,
    Thank you for the compliment about my name here… :->

    YOU are already taking BIG steps to love you…

    How brave you are to take time for YOU!!
    Understanding the space YOU need and
    honoring that…
    Sharing with your SO – validating his feelings and sharing that you know HE will know how to fix it…

    Already you are taking care of YOU
    by NOT being strong
    for others…
    From Rori – I have learned If *I* don’t share MY
    feelings with others…
    They aren’t given a chance to be there for ME…
    I continue to learn
    to receive Alll they DO have
    to give to ME…
    It May not be the PERFECT way I THINK
    they should be helping/giving…
    But it IS Their Way..
    Big HUGGGGGS to YOU…
    You should feel VERY proud of how
    you are stretching YOUR comfort Zone…
    That is when GOOD change happens



  135.  #135Victoria on January 19, 2015 at 1:52 am

    Indigo,
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the gift-giving, and what Dominique answered was so lovely!
    I have had much anguish about gifts with F. I love giving gifts but it was/is a struggle with him. He does not receive graciously, he always complains that I spend too much money on him and buy very expensive things (this is all relative you know, but I tend to buy him things that he would consider out of his budget). Otherwise, he has given me a few nice things, but of course I would like to receive more, like for example every day, why not? One time I basically teased him to give me a set of earings, because I told him I lost one favorite earing while we were together. I did not lose it at all, I just wanted to see wherher he will respond. He surely did, 2-3 months later he gave me a lovely set of earrings. So yes, he did it, and I could see he is willing to do things to please me,but he would just do them at his own time (which is late by my standards). I guess this is my lesson with him. Patience.



  136.  #136Azure Blu on January 19, 2015 at 2:39 am

    Indigo…
    You are welcome…
    Reading all the amazing and life changes you
    are sharing lately…
    For me it seems everything is moving forward in such a good direction for you… :-))



  137.  #137Azure Blu on January 19, 2015 at 2:47 am

    Victoria…
    Rori has mentioned in posts
    about the giving of gifts to our man…
    She emphasized how the giving of gifts
    is VERY masculine…
    usually comes from us with strings attached
    “giving to get” pushing the man away…
    She challenged us to STOP giving gifts
    as practice…
    Staying in the feminine of simply Being
    and Receiving

    I used to always be the BIG gift giver….
    I have been practicing Not giving
    and learning to Receive…
    It has been a challenge… :-0
    but certainly a Big
    step in becoming MORE feminine
    Less controlling…
    Letting the man lead
    Even in this aspect…



  138.  #138Victoria on January 19, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Azure Blue,
    Yes, I know now, but my relationship with F. has started much longer before I found Rori :-).
    Giving gifts is so much a part of leaning forward, but I did not know about that either.
    I no longer do it… I mean, when I have the urge to give something to him, I give to myself, or to someone else (e.g. a friend). It feels so much better.
    Thanks for reminding me.



  139.  #139gear on January 19, 2015 at 3:35 am

    Johanna 130 thank you for sharing. I feel for you. You felt you were the one carrying the world. I have been there. I also understand you that seeing him cry triggered your fear, as if he were going to dump his problem for you…I also feel happy for you that you realize now that all you need to do is to validate his feeling, you are not expected to solve his problem, he probably didn’t have that intention or expectation either.

    How we women could force ourselves become a fixer, problem solver. I have always been one. Now that I realized that this is just my inner self told me so, I didn’t have to fix everything, as long as I strengthen my emotional muscle, I would be able to endure without fixing anything.

    I feel so happy for you, rom your post 130,131,132! Wow,! You have taken big steps -validate his feeling, without the urge to fix, or fear to ackowledge; taking care yourself, “So I am working on my boundaries and trying to take care of myself. This distance between us makes me feel like “I’m allowed” to do this now. ”
    It feels so wonderful, so perfect, exactly what I would let my lovely self do.

    I like the feedback from Azure 133.

    Back to your note in 130, I didn’t know you are re already married, 6 years is a awful long time. I have never been in any relationship longer than 5 months. Shame to say. 🙂 I had thought if you were just dating, the first few dates then it would be too much. But six years is an awful long time.

    And, lovely Johanna, I don’t think this is a marriage problem, or relationship problem. As you are learning to strengthen your boundaries and emotional muscles, and love yourself, things will look up.

    In the old societies, people have a community, people take care of each other’s needs. While in the modern society, as you felt being alone. We can’t fix everything, we can’t resolve every problem. We have to live with it, and knowing, believing, and feeling OK, Rori had a good blog, said, “feel everything, do nothing.” I love that. Reading her blogs changed the doer/fixer in me. 🙂 I have also learned as long as I allow myself to feel, and validate my closed ones feelings, even though nothing is changed, my world is still awesome! It sounds you have a wonderful man, who is sensitive and who cares so much! Lucky you!



  140.  #140gear on January 19, 2015 at 3:36 am

    Johanna, here is a hug ((((((((Johanna ))))))))))



  141.  #141Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Victoria, You may be onto something there.
    and OH MY GOSH…I have really wanted to talk to someone about his past for a long time but I’m usually met with the person not knowing what to say so it is awkward… I thank you for bringing that up…do you think he probably is closed off sexually because of anxieties about his past abuse? I really can’t see why not. I’ll explain…

    Something happened to me too, and his past situation might have hurt him more with dealing with the opposite sex, and me not so much, because in both our cases the person was a female babysitter.

    Having said that, and relating my own experience, the biggest thing that goes on with myself, I realized, is I actually tighten in my vagina when I’m anxious (I recall hearing Rori saying to open up down there, when unzipping your heart.) It is a way of shutting down for me. He may be doing that automatically when I say I really want to have sex right now. He also gets really freaked out when when I take it too fast.

    I feel he keeps himself closed off to sex because he doesn’t want to let that feeling in sometimes. Sometimes I am capable of it with my body, but I just don’t want to let it in, so I get that.

    What I have figured out is J is afraid of intimacy with a woman who is able to break his heart (Ah, yes, that would be me…). He could be with a stranger and there’s no problems because there’s nothing to lose (I apologize if this triggers you; I have come to grips with it, emotionally, with the help of Dominique.)

    He has to sometimes use stimuli to get turned on for me, then when we are having sex, he is very, very passionate, and he says he loves the feeling. It is almost like he’s saying, I feel comfortable and safe enough to do this.

    Sometimes he will even suggest very exciting lovemaking, and this is very very refreshing for me, because it shows his sexual personality. Sometimes I worry when we’ve gone awhile without, that he may be boring, but he certainly isn’t, lol. I may BE bored, but he is not boring, just closed off. On the flip side, he loves feeling like something has happened emotionally for him, when he feels “gotten:”, like when I have made myself vulnerable by speaking a hidden truth, so he wants to protect me, sometimes it happens if we exchange sexy stories, without me getting jealous. Sometimes it happens just because he agreed to take me to the strip club, and then feels the residual turn-on for his girlfriend. Sometimes it happens because he’s looking at girl’s butts all day long, LOL, then he thinks “Sheesh, I really should honor my girlfriend, I should have sex with my girlfriend!” It’s like a drive to care for me, to protect me. If he can get turned on because he feels open to it, he usually wants to use it to care for me. Almost like when he cleans and works on the apartment because his back isn’t feeling bad and he wants to take advantage of his good disposition, and be helpful/useful/caring. (That actually melts my heart, because I know he really does want to, it’s just he has a disconnection with his body he doesn’t understand and feels bad.)

    But it’s definitely when I feel confident and Sireny
    enough to let him look at other women. If i am in Jealousy mode, he shuts down.

    I know he feels weird when I cannot relax or be happy around him. So I guess I feel weird a lot that he can’t get turned on around me, I feel absolutely insulted sometimes as a matter of fact. But that’s when I forget that he feels worse than I do about it and that really feeds his anxieties. As the Rabbi said in the article, it is every man’s worst nightmare to not be able to please his wife. I am not his wife but I don’t want to get married, so the biggest commitment for me is living together, which we are. When J asked me to move in with him, that was pretty much like getting the ring. I wanted the moving in. So him not being able to please me, is really seriously a depressing thing for him, which means he really does care about it.

    When I am in “Siren” mode, he opens up wonderfully, is attentive, talks more, likes to continue to charm me over and over again, and make me surprised. This is also a lot when he feels safe enough to make love.

    I always get stuck in my old ways you see so it had been months that I’d not been in Siren mode and I was desperate, so I gave up. I have to continue coaching with the Love Scripts and Modern Siren. Also with Dominique and on here on the blog 🙂

    It’s been awhile but I don’t much care right now. Right now I feel like it was when we were first dating.

    SO, my point is, His abusive past may have him in a sort of mode of protecting himself rather than me, and to undo that he may need a therapist, but I have found the way to work around it, usually it involves both of us “looking” (at stimuli) together, or me being vulnerable, so he wants to protect me more than himself at that time.

    I told him this yesterday, about how special a pair he and I are, how I am having fun flirting with him and it reminds me of when we first dated, how great I felt in the past few days around him, and he smiled sweetly. I took that as a green light, lol.

    So there have been many painful feelings, but it’s when I slip into my old ways, and we aren’t “sympatico”, (on the same page), when it is perpetuated, but he definitely doesn’t need a pill, he may need therapy. This doesn’t mean I will stop circular dating, because those men keep me sane, seriously! 🙂

    Ahhh, that was a lot, I’m sorry if I totally rambled there!!! Just a whole ton to get out. 🙂



  142.  #142Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 5:53 am

    I apologize, Victoria was mentioned in the post but that was a reply to AZURE…lol…sorry ladies!!!!



  143.  #143Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Azure – What I was saying there is you are probably right, coupled with so many things, he doesn’t like to do it that often. When it happens, he tells me he just loves it. So that is something that feels great, and is important to me. I am glad he really does love it. He has not been robbed of sexual pleasure. He is uncomfortable getting aroused most of the time, he doesn’t really like working at it at all, but when it just happens, WOW. Just WOW…best ever! 🙂



  144.  #144Victoria on January 19, 2015 at 6:02 am

    Mandy,
    yes, the sweet Azure, who always has a kind and loving word for us is the one who brought up the comment you are referring to.
    I tend to be so much more blunt, sometimes I am ashamed of it.
    Also, over the years, I have learned to not care about the reasons why people are/people do certain things. I read your post and it reminds me of my younger self who was very much into finding reasons and excuses for the man I was dating of why he could not/would not give me what I want. Not that I do not do it any longer, but I have learned to recognize it when I overanalyze and I am over-eager to help and to fix. I am learning to listen, smile, accept, and turn my attention to something else. It is not very easy, but I think I am getting better.



  145.  #145Dominique on January 19, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Indigo – 128 – Al of these holidays used to feel very important to me too, and it’s not that they no longer are, I just found new ways to love and appreciate them, finding gifts in the sharing of our love or outings, or experiencing new things. I still LOVE gifts, and I get them regularly; they just don’t feel as important as the sharing.

    xxoo



  146.  #146Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Regarding the gift receiving.

    I’m really putting myself in Indigos position and feeling it. I am certain that in that situation I would have felt so angry and insulted. It would feel like a total lack of consideration, and that accepting the lack of consideration was below my acceptable bar. Wow, I’d feel so triggered. Seems I have some work to do there. Oh, just realized my ex-husband almost never got me any gifts, or at least minimum effort with some kind of apology. Serious feminine energy guy.

    My question remains the same, however. Where is the line, what is the differnce between an expectation…and accepting (or NOT accepting) crumbs? Is it a line we chose? Is it an energetic line?



  147.  #147Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 9:39 am

    April Rose I know this is late but just wanted to say that your safety and security is always the number one concern and because of that I don’t invite strangers to pick me up at a first meeting. If you feel okay doing it I would suggest meeting someplace in walking distance than at your house. You have to take care of yourself.



  148.  #148Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 9:43 am

    Rereading Dominique’s post 110, again.

    I fully understand giving for the giving’s sack, and not to receive later. I would just be (and have been) so bummed out by no recognition. Emotion soup, for sure.



  149.  #149Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 9:44 am

    sake, not sack. Aargh!



  150.  #150Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Oh Dominique!!!! Weeeeeeeeee Paris!!!! Squeal!!!

    You lucky girl you. I’ll come with you if you pack me in your suitcase. 🙂



  151.  #151Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 10:16 am

    JoHanna 6 years?

    That is an awfully long time. Do you know exactly what you want as far as a relationship is concerned?



  152.  #152Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Gear at those types of events you are more attractive when you are alone. It is already intimidating for men to approach and even more so in a crowd. Remember, they get a lot of rejections.



  153.  #153Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Victoria and Azure,

    I totally get why it would be a deal breaker for you. I actually had that feeling come up at Xmas.

    I was tired and I just gave up emotionally, like, ah, screw this noise. This was when I was feeling flaming pissed at him for not taking care of me. But when I did, the water wheel immediately started turning my way again. I have been “In Siren Mode” ever since, and I believe it has “knocked me back into the Siren mode”.
    I just am reserving the right as a Siren to “not be ready yet”. Lol.

    This has felt so good I’ve forgotten all about sex. It feels like we are dating again. He is singing me love songs again, giving ME kisses rather than me going to him, he’s grabbing my hand, he’s taking me out for drinks, making dinner, helping me with the house, and looking for respectable work. All that stuff he was not doing when I gave up. It might be he may feel okay to have sex after he’s felt safe for a good while.

    Also, I chatted up a man, and we have a date set up for coffee. So, if J doesn’t feel the manly urge to care for me in that manner, another man will likely step up.
    Then I may be ready, and will be able to tell him my feeling message, saying I am feeling exhausted and like this won’t work.

    Also, I am a woman who feels better not caring about having sex all the time because it’s just like, it gives a person way too much power over me. I have to go, “Oh well, you’re missing out.” Good to know.

    I am just making sure I’m not totally done here, and I don’t feel totally done, I don’t feel totally ready to set him free. I am just doing what makes me feel good and that is it right now.

    *smiles*



  154.  #154Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 10:35 am

    I have to admit, I’m feeling REALLY triggered here.

    I understand that it is a deal breaker for many Sirens about the sex drive. My problem with J is not different sex drives. It is that he has a behavioral pattern that makes it so he is not comfy being aroused all the time. That has nothing to do with drive. His drive is perfectly fine.

    I’m not ready yet, I don’t feel ready to just give up a three year relationship because it is a deal breaker for someone else. It has to be 110% a deal-breaker for ME.

    Maybe it is for others. Not for me right now.



  155.  #155Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Tee,

    I can talk to you about that, that stuff feels awesome!

    It happens, when we get together on projects, when he asks me if I’d like to go to lunch with him, when he sings me a song. When he dances with me. He makes me feel very very flirty. And so I flirt and it further encourages him and oh GOD it is so so SO adorable.

    I just feel so swoony and you know, gotten. He’s really great at it. But it takes me being the first domino to show him what I like by saying how I feel every time I’m having a good time with him. If he dances with me, I let him know how much I loved it.

    We’ve taken baby steps to coming back around, and I see it. Hopefully it will show us a new leaf to turn over. If not, that’s okay. He’s great practice for it anyway, if we don’t work out, there’s the knowledge I’ve gained form the situation.

    But, I am having a great time with the guy right now.



  156.  #156Mandy on January 19, 2015 at 10:45 am

    PS – HUGS to you Tee. Do you think maybe if you let him “date” you like that, you might get turned on? Dancing, singing, lunching, lol. I just gave up and let J do it and he’s really stepping up. 🙂



  157.  #157Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Gemini Goddess/Indigo the conversation around gift giving so interesting. Reminds me of the book 5 Love Languages. Give me Quality Time and Touch any day. I really don’t care too much for gifts. So I have learned to ask guys what they like.



  158.  #158Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 11:12 am

    FW-

    I enjoyed that book, too. I didn’t think I was a “gift receiving” person, but seems I am.

    I am truly at a loss as to how I would manage my feelings and express myself in that situation without an emotional blow-up. Need to think about that. Glad you brought it up, Indigo. Anything else you can share about how you handled it?

    Also, still a bit confused about the difference between accepting someone’s style, and accepting crumbs, NOT that gifts are required, NOR that “no gift” equals crumbs, just brings up a question I can’t seem to answer for myself.

    Is it a matter of “know thy self” and therefor not accepting less?



  159.  #159Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 11:15 am

    …much like the sex drive topic. Deal breaker or not, up to the person?



  160.  #160Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Gemini Goddess I believe it is about the perspective that you frame things in. If you decide that it is crumbs it is. Also one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. So many men have also gotten into trouble for picking out the wrong gift that they have learned to avoid the topic and to protect their masculine egos because women have blown up on them. I would suggest bringing up the topic with random guys to see how they respond. I have found guys are hesitant to discuss it but when I share that I don’t really about getting gifts I have heard a lot because they open up. One guy I supervise was the most recent at Christmas time. He was planning to give his girlfriend a $600 airline ticket and wasn’t sure if it would be a good gift. I thought it was an awesome one but also wondered if she would see it as him trying to get rid of her for a while. 🙂



  161.  #161Liquid Light on January 19, 2015 at 11:28 am

    I had an impromptu date with the Mayor last night. He’s the one I had that crazy date with several weeks ago around the holidays where I met like 30 of his friends and we kept going from one adventure to another all night long including a boat ride across the water at night with his friends. It was nuts. Anyway, he’s They Mayor because he knows everyone.

    We finally got together again last night. He’s such a sweetheart. He’s got tons of friends and he’s really close with his siblings and especially one sister whom he’s really protective of. I feel jealous because my brother’s aren’t like that with me. Anyway, it was a fun night, just drinks and a bite to eat and then throwing ball with a dog he’s dog sitting for. He seems like he really likes me and says he’s smitten. So cute. But he almost feels more like a brother or friend. We kissed and it was OK but I could of taken it or left it. Doesn’t seem like a good sign. And he’s kinda rough around the edges which I don’t really like.



  162.  #162Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 11:31 am

    I’m pretty sure I’ve accepted a whole lot of crumbs in the past, and chalked it up to “I shouldn’t have expectations”. Am I confusing expectations with standards/preferences? Feels like a Catch-22.



  163.  #163Azure Blu on January 19, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Mandy #153…
    EXACTLY lovely Siren…
    It’s a deal breaker for ME…
    NOT for you!! :->

    We each have our things that cause too much chaos…
    confusion, triggering…
    I try and keep that list to a minimum…
    But this is one of mine…

    Spirit was being VERY confusing about sex//
    Some sort of religious beliefs…
    which is perfectly fine (for him)
    but not for me…
    soooo on top of a few other things…
    that was a deal breaker…

    And for me… My deal breakers…
    change and morph and go away and come back///
    depending on where I am in my journey
    where I am with loving me…
    letting go of control
    of the outcome…

    Kisses darling Mandy! You are on YOUR lovely
    Journey… enjoy each moment



  164.  #164Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Thanks, Feminine Woman. That makes sense. 🙂



  165.  #165Labbit on January 19, 2015 at 11:46 am

    157 Gemini Goddess — Ha, I was thinking much the same when I read Indigo’s comments regarding no birthday present. If I were in her shoes it would have been hard for me to hide the disappointment too!

    On having no expectations vs. accepting crumbs, I think you have to zoom back a little and look at the overall picture. If your man is treating you well, cherishes you and in most other ways makes you a priority then I think it is a situation around learning to quell our expectations. However if he’s not especially caring, forgets important dates altogether or has a habit of not taking your needs/wants into consideration then it’s a deal-breaker.

    For me personally, I know that I have tended to gravitate towards men who give gifts. Flowers on dates, jewelry at anniversaries, etc. This is the kind of man I tend to attract anyway — a man who tends to be a bit more on the emotional side despite outward super-masculine appearances, and who leads with a more subtle hand in most cases. Masculine energy for sure, but perhaps not as much as Type A rough-and-tumble men. Likewise, I very much enjoy picking out gifts for my man…I have my ears open all year and when I hear him mention something he might want, I smile to myself knowing it’s going to make a great present for the right holiday or his birthday! So for me no gifts at all would be a total dealbreaker…I’d feel disrespected.

    That said, my best friend is totally anti-gift and she has a wonderful relationship, though I remember in the early days her now-husband was very confused about her insisting on no gifts for Valentine’s Day or birthday or Christmas to the point where he asked me on the sly if this was some kind of test on her part, LOL.

    It all comes down to being true to what you want, and knowing what you want.

    Another example…TenderCD is always late. ALWAYS. In fact on our third date he showed up 45 minutes late and if not for the fact that he’d chosen a very nice restaurant to take me to and he showed up with an amazing bouquet of flowers, I would have left for sure.

    It used to piss me off something awful, I felt unappreciated. But then as TenderCD and I got to know each other better I realized he was late for everything…gym classes, our dates, meeting up with his family, he even admitted to me that his recent promotion was probably delayed by a year because he has trouble getting to WORK on time. All the tricks in the book and then some haven’t helped him change his ways. There’s just something hard-wired in him to be late.

    Once I saw all these things I realized that his lateness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. I asked myself if this was something I could live with, and though I’m a punctual person myself I grew up in a house where my Mom is chronically late (much to my Dad’s chagrin) so I’m used to being late everywhere. I decided that it was not a deal-breaker for me and now I know to show up 30 minutes late for all our dates — and he hasn’t caught on yet because he’s NEVER on-time and certainly never early. But for friends of mine, I know lateness would be a total dealbreaker for them…each of us has our standards and boundaries and all we have to do is stay true to ourselves.

    I have no idea what I will do when we get married, haha. I will have to recruit everyone involved in getting him to think the wedding is 3 hours earlier than it actually starts. (And yes I’m jumping the gun because we’re not even engaged yet nor is it imminent, but I prefer to take a positive outlook!)



  166.  #166Liquid Light on January 19, 2015 at 11:53 am

    There’s someone else that I met on Friday. He’s a friend of a friend and she’s been wanting me to meet him. Well we finally did and all three of us got together for dinner and music. I wasn’t attracted to him at all though and didn’t really interact with him too much. But at one point, I kinda danced with him at one point. I hadn’t been out dancing in a long time and I haven’t had sex in 2 years so dancing for me is the closest thing to it. Its my sexual expression without having sex! So its just safe and fun way to let that energy out. Anyway, he was there and we danced playfully together for one song. Maybe he thought I was interested in him because of that. As soon as my friend went to the restroom, he asked me for my phone number. I was a bit caught off guard and gave it to him.

    Then he asked me out through text. I hate being confronted with this situation and having to reject someone so wasn’t sure what to do. But ended up letting him know that I didn’t think we were a good match (he’s city, I’m country) and I really don’t like hanging out in the city at all. He seems like such a city person, I have no idea why he’s attracted to me. Anyway, he wouldn’t take no for an answer and said that he’s not looking for a commitment just a date. Argghh.

    Any thoughts ladies? I really don’t want to go out with him but he’s wearing me down. Is there a reason I should reconsider when my gut says no-no-no???



  167.  #167Labbit on January 19, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    Liquid Light — What a Siren you are! All of these men clamoring to be with you…I get that none of them are the man you want yet, but still, this is surely worth celebrating. 🙂

    How would you feel about giving a man 3 chances? When I was very actively CD’ing I would try to go on 3 dates with a guy before I told him I wasn’t interested. That was for a couple of reasons: first, I could practice deeper levels of feeling messages and expressing what I wanted/didn’t want with each man; secondly, because sometimes a guy you don’t think that much of turns into a prince (I was not that into TenderCD on our first date at all, it took some major work on his part to get me to go out with him again).

    But there were some guys where it was very clear that one date was ENOUGH. With those men I’d tell them the truth simply, much like what you said, and then I wouldn’t respond to any further communication efforts from them. You have to understand that men are hunters so to them when you resist that only makes you MORE appealing in their eyes…especially men who like to play games. So you have to be firm and stick to your guns or else you’re teasing them and that’s not really fair. If you change your mind and decide to give them another shot that’s cool, but if you have no intention of seeing them again don’t keep responding to them, it’s leading them on.

    When I was using Tinder a lot I was consistently surprised by men that I flat-out denied who then became unshakably persistent in trying to get me to change my mind. I had a few guys who went into full on psycho mode, sending me 40+ messages in the space of 5 minutes. But I could tell these weren’t high-quality men…they just wanted to win the game.



  168.  #168Lovergirl on January 19, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    I can see how gifts mean a lot to a lot of women. It shows he is investing in you and we all want that.

    Still, I personally tend to feel uncomfortable when a man gives me gifts too early on in a relationship. It makes me feel as though he is trying to buy my affection, or he wants something out of me. I like it when he spends money taking me out but the gifts I’d rather get later on, when we have developed more of an emotional connection.

    Like this guy that bought me $200 boots for Christmas and some nice perfume. Of course I LIKE that stuff, and he was insistent that I not buy him anything in return. But it leaves me feeling uneasy, like what does he expect from me now?

    When a guy gives me flowers too early on its nice but there is always this vague feeling of uneasiness that comes with it. Later on though, when we have been together a bit, it makes me feel special. If he does stuff like that too early I’m thinking he probably does this for any and every girl.



  169.  #169Tee on January 19, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    #154/#155, Mandy, I think I’d have to get the ball rolling on that. I’ve made the mistake of not letting Mr . Man know when I like something. Based on the few comments he’s made, I’m guessing he doesn’t know which way is up with me. I don’t laugh much anymore, he can’t joke with me, etc.
    So instead of getting it wrong, he settles.

    I do admit that I’ve taken on the role of being the serious responsible partner. That role makes me angry. Some days I feel like he takes Nothing serious! How can I be turned on by that? When will he grow up, etc.

    Then there are days when I wonder if he’d be a little more pliable, if I loosened up and took the stick out of my ass lol maybe he’d be a little more willing to put forth more effort in certain areas if my vibe wasn’t so unforgiving and rigid, but I can’t be sure.

    I’ve just become so business oriented and I fear that I don’t leave room for surprises, spontaneity or anything that hasn’t been planned in advance. I like to know what’s going on. I suppose my fear is that something will happen that I can’t Think my way through, it’ll be a situation where I’ll just have to feel my way through and I won’t want to because it too raw, too deep, too naked.



  170.  #170Dominique on January 19, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Gemini Goddess – 145 – I LOVE this question. And it’s an excellent one. I think yes for the most part it would be up to the individual woman. And yes it’s in the flow as well.

    I think though the most important question to ask yourself is how you FEEL in the relationship. Does he tend to withholding in the relationship and not just with gifts? Is this maybe what needs to be looked at and not so much the gifts? Do you mostly feel loved and cared for apart from the gifts? Do you feel filled and fulfilled? Is he generous – with his time, attention, and affection? Is he generous in other ways?

    I have found that the more you can release the expectations around any of this, the less pressure will there be between you. And a good man, the one for you wants to make you feel good/happy. So if he’s feeling a release in the pressure, he now has the room and the desire to step in and DO for you because he wants to, because it’s HIS IDEA, not because he feels obligated. No one, man or woman, wants to feel pressure and obligation. It would make any of us dig in our heels in protest.

    So my suggestion to you if you find yourself in such a situation is to maybe open your heart to possibility. Look for the ways your man might show his love and adoration, ways maybe different from yours. And start feeling thankful for whatever it is, for all of it. AND TELL HIM. Let him know you’ve noticed and feel so appreciative, special. The more you can do this, the more likely it is he will also start to show you love in YOUR ways.

    xxoo



  171.  #171Dominique on January 19, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Femininewoman – 149 – As much as I would love to have you join me, this is a me and K trip, lol. I go into the city a lot though if you ever want to meet – finally. 🙂

    xxoo



  172.  #172Femininewoman on January 19, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    hehe 🙂



  173.  #173Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Dominique and Labbit-

    Wow. Thanks for your responses! I can see how stepping back and accessing over-all feelings and trends in the ENTIRE relationship is the way to go, with an eye on my own bottom line items.

    Fortunately, though it WAS a major issue with my ex (and as you said, without doubt not JUST the gift giving), I do not have this issue with D at all. In fact, with the help of the RR programs, I’ve had to very consciously open myself to receiving from him, actual gifts along with all other parts of the relationship. A LOVELY change, for sure. He loves to do, and give me things to “make my life easier”, as he says. He says if we were wild animals, it would be like bringing me a nice, juicy squirrel. SO funny! I had to let go of the “reverse expectation”(?), that I then “owed” him something in return.

    And like you said, Dominique, as soon as I would start to EXPECT one of his services, gifts, etc. it would vanish. A funny little example is that when I take a shower, he would bring a loaded toothbrush, towel and robe to me, with a flourish – most of the time. I started to count on this – all of the time, and when he didn’t bring them to me once, I made some joke that the bloom was now off the rose. He laughed, but hasn’t since done it. I don’t think it’s not conscious. It just doesn’t seem fun to him anymore. It was some in-action, lesson learning for me. He does many such things, and I learned, in a hurry, to appreciate them WHEN it happens.



  174.  #174Gemini Goddess on January 19, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    …and with this perspective, I guess if D missed a birthday or holiday gift, I would feel disappointed, but definitely not super triggered and angry.



  175.  #175April Rose on January 19, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Thank you Indigo, Azure Blu and Femininewoman,

    I have just got home from my date with number 15!!

    I met him at a cosy bar. He looked a little older than I remembered, and a little shorter. He was sweet and lovely. I felt at ease in his company and we talked easily. He bought me two drinks. There was no worry on my part that I would be expected to pay. That felt good.
    He gave me some compliments on my appearance.

    He is divorced after a 27-year marriage.He said it took him a long time to get over it but he is over it now.

    We talked for an hour and we were the last people in the bar. The staff said they were closing. We left.

    He offered to walk me to my car and I graciously accepted. We said goodbye and he asked for a kiss. At first it was a little peck. His stubbly beard felt unfamiliar on my face but not unpleasant. He kissed me more, and then properly. In my head I was saying I shouldn’t be kising him like this. My body told me to shut up and feel the kiss. Wow. It was great. And I felt very turned on.

    He wanted us to sit inside my car and kiss some more. I said I was going home. We had one more kiss then I said I was leaving. I left. He has texted me since I got home to say he had a nice time and liked kissing me.

    Okay sirens. Help and input please!!!
    What do I do next? My body wants him. And it makes me forget my next dating steps. What are they?
    This is where, in the past, I have ‘lost my head’ and fallen into an exclusive relationship with what turns out to be an incompatible match.

    He knows I have seven matches from the speed dating. And he seemed to get the picture that I would be going out with them all.

    Ohmygosh, I have forgotten what comes next…!!!



  176.  #176Labbit on January 19, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    April Rose — This is the fun part! You get to do nothing. Just take care of yourself, don’t close yourself off to the world or other men. He’ll reach out to plan another date…you don’t have to do a single thing.

    All you have to do is observe, accept dates from men that you’re interested in that ask you out, and you get to be the Prize and decide who to choose! When you’re out on dates be good company…relaxed, in your body (rather than your mind) and using feeling messages the whole way. In between dates keep your life full and fun. Stay focused on YOU and your goals and dreams.

    Go you!!!



  177.  #177April Rose on January 19, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    Thank you Labbit!

    Your reply feels wonderful and soothing and exciting all at once!
    Yes, I’ll simply accept dates and observe and discover in myself what feels good.

    Of course a man is going to try and get physical.
    I want that too. Sometimes I wish it could be me that has the chance to say “come on baby, lets get naked!!”

    Sex is sooo important to me. It is a key ingredient of a relationship. It needs to ‘work’ and feel good.

    Of course I must hold out for at least a few dates! Unless I bring up the “what does sex mean to you?” talk. That will be interesting. I guess I need to create some clarity about what I want. I don’t think I am ready to choose to only have sex if it is leading towards a committed relationship.
    I am open to taking a lover.



  178.  #178Liquid Light on January 19, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    April Rose, That date sounds fantastic!!! Happy for you! You stepped out there and are reaping the benefits so fast. Just awesome!! Enjoy it, girl! 🙂



  179.  #179Emerson on January 19, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Interesting discussion about receiving gifts from men….
    I feel ok with it mostly, even early on, if I really like the guy…..
    If I feel unsure or turned off by it then that tells me something…



  180.  #180Emerson on January 19, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    This morning I woke up literally with the words “thank you”…like a silent voice in my head and like I could see the words “thank you”….
    Very interesting and a change for me…..lately I’ve been waking up feeling sad and scared….
    Glad to feel this shift…



  181.  #181IamHis on January 19, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    I feel really confused and angry. This amazing, younger guy who has a girlfriend who he’s talking marriage with. I look at him, and he’s the kind of guy I want. So mature, so thoughtful, so responsible…and yet…still playful.

    I feel so angry that all these married women with guys who i know were interested in me…all these weird vibes from them…it just feels so icky.

    and I was feeling so good with this guy.

    and as far as single guys? I feel amazing with Foreign Guy. I guess it’s because physical touch is my love language and he is CONSTANTLY touching me. It makes me feel so moved I almost want to cry. That I’m worth touching. and he touches me so gently and so tenderly.

    but…like me, he’s not all that responsible. He is not good with money. I’m not good with money and that’s a huge trigger for me.

    and…like me, he doesn’t have a place to live. His parents aren’t stable like mine are. I mean, his Dad isn’t even involved in his life, and his Mom was harrassing him for inheritance money he got when his grandmother passed away.

    Which who knows what happened to that.

    He is a huge spender, but I am too. I want things. I feel incomplete without things. Nice clothes, soft fabrics. But like, I have a problem. I think I have five hair brushes. I feel fearful of being without the things I need.

    I’ve realized that my parents are not as good with money as I thought, and that feels really scary. Who is supposed to teach a person about money management? Parents? Schools? Classes? Books?

    It always makes my head hurt. I just want enough to have the things that I need and want, and extra for emergencies.

    I hate emergencies.

    New Guy contacted me out of the blue. It felt good to hear from him, but also weird. Why now? I don’t get it.

    and I could kill Brown Eyes. I feel like I’m on his back burner. that is the worst feeling in the world. I wish guys would leave me alone rather than leave me on the backburner. I’m clearly with this easy person who knows what she wants and can communicate her feelings, but let me give you some attention too. Actually, I prefer you, but you haven’t made it clear how you feel about me, because you suck at making it clear how you feel. He’s not even with her, she just sits by him and respects him and makes him feel good and oh yeah, she’s 17 and pregnant from another man who left her.

    Maybe I’m tired of trying to figure out how I feel. I just want to feel good, but not only good; challenged, inspired, humbled, adored, balanced out.

    I feel so angry. I love what I see in the mirror, which feels surprising because that’s always been so difficult for me. I feel so deeply sad so often, so full of regret and anger, but occasionally it feels like I get these small wonderful glimpses into the person underneath all that grief. The person who isn’t a threat to other women, but loved by other women. I don’t know how to do that. I want to be loved by women. I want to be loved by women without having to be less than I am. I want to be loved by men without having to spell out my feelings every five seconds, reassure them, figure out who I like best, I just don’t know. I just want to feel safe.

    I have the disorganized attachment style. I read about it, but you know what I don’t read? How in the world you’re supposed to fix it. Therapy? I don’t even know if it helps that much. How do you stop a fifteen year pattern? How do you permanently get out of ways of thinking that are completely not helpful?

    when they feel like the sad, stuck, devastating truth?



  182.  #182Emerson on January 19, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    I’ve also realized that even as much as I write about feeling piney about old exes and CDs etc….I am in a better place emotionally than I have given myself credit for….

    At least compared to some of my single friends who have gone through recent breakups ….talking to them feels prickly and a little toxic…they are still feeling bitter over their breakups:..whereas im sort of in a neutral zone….

    I’ve tried steering them towards roris tools etc but they are not interested in it…it’s ok maybe they are not ready…



  183.  #183Emerson on January 19, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    (((Iamhis)))
    I always enjoy reading your posts.



  184.  #184Liquid Light on January 19, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Labbit, Thanks for your feedback. I’ve decided to not respond. I really don’t want to go out on a date with him, I’m really clear about that. You helped me make that decision so thanks! It feels right.



  185.  #185IamHis on January 19, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Thanks, ((((Emerson!)))) 🙂 I’m totally feeling some empathy or sympathy or some kind of “athy!” (in a good way…) 🙂 haha…



  186.  #186Indigo on January 19, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    Dominique 144,

    I think I could get there… I want to get there. Quite frankly it doesn’t feel good at all when you build up an expectation in your mind around receiving a gift and it doesn’t materialize. There were many things I learned out of this experience, and I feel grateful for that.

    I just need to reframe this within myself so that it feels better for me.

    As I read about your perspective it feels sooo good, so as I say, I would like to get there! Cuddles and affection and love ARE more important to me. And yes, D does get things for me and give me things, it just tends to be when I don’t expect it.

    xxx



  187.  #187Indigo on January 19, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    Gemini Goddess 145,

    Thank you. I feel like you get how I was feeling. Which is why I did not have the kind of conversation with him that I would have liked to have had. I had got to a pretty good place with the other two issues, which is why I was able to share calmly and gently, yet confidently, but about this gift issue I still had angry, sad feelings swirling around.

    As to your question about where is the line between not having expectations and accepting crumbs, I have lots of thoughts around that, which I want to write about later when I have a bit more time.



  188.  #188Indigo on January 19, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    CDing update: The coffee date guy from Friday night has really stepped up in the chivalry department – he is now communicating politely and sweetly with me via email, as per my request, and has asked me if I would like to go out to dinner, and has already insisted on paying and coming to somewhere near me because he doesn’t want me to drive far!

    Last night, I had a first date with a new guy from the dating site, which turned into an expensive dinner at one of my favourite restaurants. He was very nice, very gentlemanly, successful, nice looking, insisted on picking up the bill. He seemed gentle and easygoing, maybe talked about work too much… He also told me his tales of relationship woes and I could hardly believe that anyone could have so much bad luck. I certainly did have my theories about that but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about anyone when I essentially don’t know them. But it was a nice evening – he was considerate when I said I didn’t want to get home too late and wrapped things up in a way that made me feel good, and texted me when I got home.

    So, just staying open and curious… not looking to fall in love because I doubt that will happen, but just remaining open and curious (Thanks, Dominique)



  189.  #189Tee on January 19, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    Ugh Dear Sirens, I can’t post onto Dominique’s page. The capcha (sp?) won’t let me by. I wanted to post my sex drive situation. :/

    Hopefully she’ll see this somehow.

    ***I’m wondering if you have any articles about the loss of libido. I love my partner and sex is great when we’re in the moment but I have very little desire. I don’t feel horny and I miss that.

    I’ve been to several doctors, I’m tired of being told that it’s all in my head. I’m tired of talking about experimenting with different forms of birth control.

    I feel old and like a fraud. I miss the deliciousness that were my hormones. I was always ready to go like a teenage boy. Now I feel like I don’t want to be bothered. I’ll be 41 this year, I had a stillbirth at the end of 2011 and I gave birth to my first child in August of 2013.

    I feel really bad about this. I function normally, it’s just the desire that’s missing and I miss that. It made me feel so alive and I’m sure my partner felt extremely desirable and wanted.

    These days, I feel like a bad actress. I would like a fix. Will my drive ever return to its previous levels? Or am I doomed? I really don’t like this. I’ve even tried buying pills and such from fitness &/or health food stores to help, but I’m still at square one.

    any advice from anyone?****



  190.  #190Lovergirl on January 19, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    (((Mandy))) Hugs. Your situation sounds so difficult and it is a reminder that when there is a sexual issue it is about the person, and not about US. Meaning we tend to take it personally, but its really not personal, they would have that same issue with someone else.

    My ex husband was also sexually abused as a child. I didn’t find this out until the middle of our divorce, but he was molested by a much older brother who is gay. I’m sure that was at the root of our sexual problems, but I never knew. If I’d KNOWN I wonder if my attitude would have been totally different and we could have done something to work on it. It makes me feel guilty and also sad for him. 🙁



  191.  #191Lovergirl on January 19, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    Tee-

    That is hard. Have you taken a deep look at how you view sex and what it means to you? Maybe seeing it from a different vantage point would help.

    For me, it’s a way to be close to my partner. I feel awful if its missing because I feel like I need that connection, to open up to each other and be vulnerable. It’s how I express my love and emotion best in a relationship.

    That’s not to say I can’t have casual sex, because I do. But in that instance it means something else to me. So if I were looking at it solely from that viewpoint, as a way to satisfy physical needs rather than emotional ones, there are times I would feel less inclined.

    When I don’t want sex, its usually because something is emotionally “off” with the person, or I’m attached to someone else.

    Barring that, have you looked into hormonal replacement? I have heard that its best to take bio identical hormones. Also, I’ve heard good things about Vitex.



  192.  #192Emerson on January 19, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    Sirens,
    I feel fortunate to have this blog and resource…
    I also feel open to other advice and it does help too sometimes but it helps to have actual tow to use like waterwheel and dance position …..etc….
    Hehe although sometimes I feel nervous and forget to use them…
    Im kind of over my online dating for the moment….
    I am taking a break….
    It was helpful to practice with a few dates….but nothing materialized….
    Which is fine!
    I just need to get better at feeling centered before a date and allowing myself to feel vulnerable…not so guarded….I also did something awesome….
    I went shopping at a sale and bought a few feminine inexpensive items of clothing that are trendy and so cute….
    I wore them on my dates and I felt great 🙂
    Sometimes it’s nice to have something out of the norm! I also got a mani/pedi ….

    The last few weeks I learned something else….I really enjoy and need alone time…
    I love being with friends but I noticed I have been missing days that I just spent by myself going shopping or to a coffee shop…it feels like a relief to know this, because it tells me that I really enjoy my own company. I always have, it just took me a while to realize it finally…
    I don’t have much exciting stuff to write about but it helps to share this with all of you…



  193.  #193Indigo on January 20, 2015 at 12:18 am

    Gemini Goddess 157,

    I really feel you because that is exactly how I felt. I didn’t think I was a gifts person either – generally money and material things don’t mean much to me at all. For me, I suppose the gifts signified something deeper. I wasn’t even expecting to have an emotional blowout when I spoke to D, the emotions just came out so obviously there was stuff lying below the surface for me to look at, which is why I chose to leave his house and take a few days by myself.

    I know that I felt a mixture of emotions afterwards – guilt because D actually does a lot of nice things for me so I worried that maybe I seemed ungrateful. A bit resentful because I got him a beautiful birthday present. Angry because he DID get me something (he had already bought the movie tickets) and it ended up not happening because I didn’t feel good about the circumstances. Even warmth and softness when I think about how he does try and the efforts he does make. So all of that was mixed in together.

    I don’t think there’s a simple answer to the question of the difference between not having expectations and accepting crumbs. I think, as Dominique says, it is up to the individual woman and how you FEEL in the relationship. Sometimes for these more complex questions, for me the answer is to take a step back and evaluate. Learn something. Give us both some space. There was lots I could learn from this situation to do differently next time. I have noticed that relationships evolve and I think the only constant you have is you, and your commitment to your feelings.



  194.  #194Victoria on January 20, 2015 at 12:56 am

    Indigo,
    Very interesting topic.
    Have you heard about cognitive disonance? It basically means that psychologically it is difficult to hold two conflicting beliefs, so the person who experiences those will eventually drop one of them. For example, if you think that you really love some one (so the person is very lovable :-)) and at the same time you think he is giving you crumbs, you will eventually choose to believe either one or the other because psychologically it is so uncomfortable to hold both thoughts.
    I personally do not like the phrase “giving crumbs”. I think it places unnecesary guilt and maliciuos intent on the other party, where there could be none. It may be useful in the process of choosing which of the conflicting thoughts you tollerate, but the lean-back strategy is a much much better coping mechanism. It is just easier to let go of the expectations, look at the man’s actions, see where he’s at, and see whether this bores you or excites you.
    The other thing I learnt from this blog is, if you can’t make a feeling message out of something that bothers you, but it comes out as criticism which ever way you phrase it, just let it go. I am getting better and better at this! Yay me!



  195.  #195Mandy on January 20, 2015 at 5:32 am

    Lovergirl,

    Thanks for weighing in and understanding. I need some understanding right now.

    It is not about me, you are absolutely correct. My point exactly. I used to think so…when I said I was about done with him, it was because I thought he was maliciously withholding affection. NOT the case.
    When a person is blinded by anger, things looks BLEAK.

    It is a huge trigger for me, not of what happened to me or him, but just…I get real defensive about him, because he has been dealt a seriously rough deck of cards and I don’t blame him, it’s NOT his fault. So I feel anger when someone tells me “I’d dump him.” I’m thinking, that’s cool, but I’m not you.

    Yes I said that once a month is ridiculous, but I was blinded by anger when I said that. When I let go and was detaching, what happened to us is what Rori intends to happen…for us to turn it around overnight…that has happened in the past week.

    I feel if I ditch this guy over the arousal issues, it’s like dumping him for being molested. I’m sorry I can’t live with that, that is just cold, cruel and selfish as hell.

    Basically for me, if there’s one issue, I can deal, I am strong enough to accommodate. But if there’s multiple issues, I feel trapped and want to leave. I feel it would be wrong to just ditch him over one issue. Now, if everything else is going wrong, like say, he’s not ever going to get a job, then ya, I’m done. I thought that might’ve been the case, but he is completely on top of his stuff and keeps me in line as well with things I need to do, because I need someone around to help me, being somewhat disabled.

    I am learning disabled, and if no one had accommodated me with my shortcomings, I wouldn’t have made it through high school or college, and i have a Bachelor’s Degree.

    Like I said….Not ready yet, but exploring my options…I’m Circular Dating, which I wasn’t at Xmas. Now I am and these guys keep me sane.

    Also, like I keep saying, if J doesn’t step up and I need him to, maybe another guy will, and then I can tell him hey, I met someone, what do you think? If I really wanted to leave, it would be best if I just had another option of a man and explained it to J, rather than saying “You are defective, I need you to leave because you are useless as a man”.

    I never said I was going to be with him forever. Right now though, I’m just not ready to let go, I have to make sure of what I want, and I’m finding out.

    I just feel so pressured all the time by people, and I absolutely hate it. I wish it would stop. I need to do what I need to do for myself here.

    I feel good right now, and I don’t want anything to kill my vibe.

    Not doing anything until I’m good and ready!



  196.  #196Andrea on January 20, 2015 at 5:54 am

    When you first start the coaching process with Liegha she has you write down the top ten feelings that you’d like to experience in your ideal relationship.
    Then, eventually you start to explore which of the feelings/emotions from that list are you able to take care of yourself.
    Taking care of yourself emotionally is a very attractive quality.

    So my top feeling was: I want to feel desired/wanted in a relationship.

    Last night I asked myself… Can I desire myself? Do I desire myself? Can I turn myself on?
    And then I just free listed everything about myself that is just so Hawt and Sexy!
    From my mind, fantasies and images that I can conjur; to my body, long legs, soft plush hips and belly, billowing boobs, smile, eyes..
    To my voice and the words I say when I’m in the mood…

    Oh my goodness, I was in a hot bed of sensuality last night just turned all the way on by my own self. And it was even more sensual an experience than if I’d had a man there because I got to completely concentrate on me, my feelings, my body, my emotions, my experience. And I didn’t have to act on any of it. I could just be there in the feelings of it.

    It was very steamy. I had no idea that in a relationship with myself, I already feel desired. I feel wanted. Wow!



  197.  #197Andrea on January 20, 2015 at 6:04 am

    Another man likes me.
    A man at work. We’ve had one or two conversations, but one day when I wasn’t there he came to my desk and asked a co-worker about me. He left me an envelope which had his name and phone number in it.
    It read: “If you ever want to chat again: xxx-xxxx”

    I am not physically attracted to him. I threw the envelope away. Not in disgust, just… I didn’t want to start anything with him. And I certainly didn’t want to call him.

    Days later, he showed up again and he asked me about myself. Just showing interest. And he told me lots about himself. It’s amazing that we have a similar past. He’s not my type, but my head was tilted in interest… I noticed that. Like… huh? I’m interested in hearing what he’s saying.

    He went up to his room to shower and I clocked out.

    Later another co-worker said to me, “Shan came back down and asked about you again. He’s really showing an interest in you.”

    Suddenly I realized… Oh My Gosh!! So THIS is how it works. THIS is how a man really shows that he’s into me. THIS an actual man pursuing me.. out in the open, letting others know that he’s interested, coming and asking about me, showing that he wants to further the conversation.

    And me not doing anything!!!!!

    I was all: OH! OH! That’s what that feels like. I don’t even have to be attracted to him, or put him on a pedestal, or make him feel good about himself at this point. I’m not even being flirty or giving him extra smiles or time or anything. I treat him the way I treat everyone else who comes through the lobby. I don’t have to do anything. If he likes me, really wants to get to know me, he’ll make it happen.

    That feels excellent. Excellent!

    I’m curious to see what else happens.



  198.  #198Femininewoman on January 20, 2015 at 6:38 am

    Andrea waaaannnnggggggg!!! 🙂



  199.  #199Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 7:34 am

    I need some help can someone please help me out on this… I am 36 and I once was 315 pounds and I am now 144 pounds and I have a lot of skin that is till with me. Well I have been in and out of relationship and this man that’s in my life now is so cute that a super model would date him but he is with me for some reason. I can get over the way I look with out me clothes on. When we have sex he takes everything off me and I fell funny laying there with nothing on. I think the whole him we have doing the deed what is he thinking? Is he thinking that I look nasty with nothing on. I need help with this. Am I over thinking? What can I do to stop thinking this way.



  200.  #200Dominique on January 20, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Tee – 188 – I’m not sure what you mean about not being able to post on my site. I feel curious, for if there’s a problem or a glitch, I want to be sure it’s fixed.

    It’s so difficult for me to say what’s going on with you. It could be any number of things, and I don’t want to hazard a guess.

    Female libido can be tricky, elusive, fickle, and mysterious. I’ve gone through total loss of libido myself in the past, and it simply came back when it did, when I felt connected – to myself and to what was then a new man – I honestly thought I had become frigid.

    Yet you’re saying you still enjoy sex when you have it. So what is it you miss? Lusting after someone? An ache in your loins? Do you still get easily aroused? Do you have fun? Do you orgasm more or less readily?

    I would love to talk with you in more depth if you can manage this. In the meantime, here are three articles which may or may not help.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-sex-drive/

    xxoo



  201.  #201Dominique on January 20, 2015 at 8:06 am


  202.  #202Dominique on January 20, 2015 at 8:07 am


  203.  #203Dominique on January 20, 2015 at 8:21 am

    Dawn – I understand how you feel. Most any woman would feel as you do no matter what her self-perceived “problem” might be. We tend to zoom in on all those things we don’t like about ourselves, what we wish was different.

    Most men though, the good ones anyway, don’t work like this. If he’s into you, loves you, that’s all he sees, the woman he’s into/loves. He sees the whole package, heart, mind, and body, as one, not the loose this or that. This is a difficult one for many to own, yet try.

    Try to remember these words next time you’re lying naked with him. Look into his eyes, and see the desire there. Sink into his eyes. Sink into yourself, and look for anything which feels good. Focus on this. Focus on ALL the parts of you you DO love and feel good about. Can you summon an – I feel beautiful – within you? Can you expand on this beautiful feeling?

    It can take some practice, but you CAN rewire these thoughts into better feeling ones.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  204.  #204Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 8:28 am

    I understand that but its more then I can put on here. I don’t want to go all in and have everyone in the world to see this.



  205.  #205Lovergirl on January 20, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Dawn-

    I used to feel so insecure about my body- since I’ve had 5 children. I’m not overweight but gaining and losing all that weight has left stretched out skin that would need surgery to look better and I’ve nursed 5 babies so my boobs look flat. I thought no man would ever want me, back when I was married and my ex wasn’t interested.

    I’ve been with enough guys since to know better. I’ve had nothing but compliments on my body. It’s like they don’t even see it. They focus on the things they like and that’s what they see. (For me its my butt, lol)

    If I’ve said anything about not wanting to wear a bikini they are like why? It’s like they are totally blind to the fact that I have stretched out skin and stretch marks. Men don’t, for the most part, seem to care if they like you.

    If this guy is sleeping with you, there is something he likes about your body. If he wants to see you naked, its because he likes looking at you. I once complained to a guy friend that men always stare at my stomach during sex and it makes me self conscious. He said that if they are staring at something during sex its because there is something about it that is turning them on.

    Think about it, when you are into a man, don’t you pretty much always love his body? The guy I am head over heels for is a little on the chubby side. He’s got really nice shoulders and arms and a great chest, but he’s got a pot belly. Do you think I care? No! I find it endearing and I think he’s sexy.

    I’m sometimes amazed when guys talk about some hot woman they are dating and then I see her and she looks very average. They will say she looks like a certain movie star and you are just thinking what?? Haha Men are WAY LESS critical than women are about our looks and bodies.



  206.  #206Indigo on January 20, 2015 at 8:59 am

    Andrea,

    Yay!!

    I am learning, bit by bit, that in this life my job is to take care of me and the things that I love which have nothing to do with a man – my animals, my friends, my hobbies and passions, my goals – and when I’m with a man, just to see how I feel. A man who’s keen on you will try to win you over. You don’t have to do anything. Easy to say… but I think I know this now. I FEEL it. I am enough, I am loveable. I just need to own this for myself, and I think I do now.

    Thanks – this is the reflection I saw in your words.



  207.  #207Indigo on January 20, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Mandy 194,

    Have you read Dominique’s latest article?

    http://sexandheart.com/when-you-feel-unable-to-move-on/

    I just feel it would be so great for you. It certainly was for me. You don’t have to move on – and Dominique expands on this point beautifully.

    Each heart has its own journey, and you can own this truth for yourself no matter what anyone else says. It helps me to remember that invariably other people only want what is best for me, but that *I* am the one who ultimately knows what that is, what I need to do, and I am the one who can sense my own timing.

    There is so much more I can say about this because it is a theme which is very relevant to me, but for now I just recommend that you read the article if you haven’t.

    x



  208.  #208Azure Blu on January 20, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Lovegirl #204
    Wow!!! This is really good to read!!
    I sooo agree…
    Yes… when men like/love you it’s as if they are looking through rose colored glasses with photoshop going on!!! “;~+
    How cool is that?

    Some of the guys I have dated recently comment on how i look like I’m 40!!!
    NOW THATS rediculous!!!
    BUT I don’t say anything…
    if they think that… I smile, blush and thank them
    for the most amazing compliments!!!

    I’m like you… my boyfriend from a couple of years ago had Great arms, chest and hair…
    pot belly…
    but “WHO cares”??? I didn’t care back then… (he seems ugly to me now) Thank Goodness! :-/



  209.  #209Tee on January 20, 2015 at 9:05 am

    #190 Lovergirl, thank you for sharing and please continue to do so! Since I’m more of a heady person, I find it hard to understand how things are if you’re a more physical person. So it helps tremendously when someone can put it into words.

    Awesome question and until now, I’ve never thought about what sex meant to me. At one point, it was fun and yummy. I don’t think I needed it to bond but I enjoyed the pleasure of it. It made me feel sensual and alive, not so much the being wanted side of it but wanting to seduce just for the hell of it, wanting someone and being excited about a possible encounter even if it never managed to happen. I felt vibrant.

    Now, I don’t feel anything. I see now that my sexuality was like this colorful vivid dream filmed in 3D. These days, it feels like a faded black and white picture. Uninterested, uninteresting, unmotivated, plain, ugh.

    I would love hormone replacement. Anything other than this but so far the doctors aren’t done quizzing me and such. I don’t expect them to just jump and write me a prescription but I’ve spoken to them about this several times and they still look at me like they have no clue.

    I will look into Vitex. Thanks 🙂



  210.  #210Indigo on January 20, 2015 at 9:06 am

    Victoria 193,

    I agree with you.

    This is why I like to take space… because when I’m not sure where I stand on a particular issue, or if I have conflicting feelings, I really like to sit with it for a while and see what messages come up and slowly get more comfortable on where I stand. For me taking a few days works really well.

    I like this:

    “The other thing I learnt from this blog is, if you can’t make a feeling message out of something that bothers you, but it comes out as criticism which ever way you phrase it, just let it go. I am getting better and better at this! Yay me!”

    Great piece of advice!



  211.  #211Azure Blu on January 20, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Andrea…. lovely siren…
    I always feel like I’ve gone down to the river
    and taken a deep, quenching drink
    of cool, spring water
    after reading your authentic posts!!!

    I agree with Indigo…
    “Thanks – I saw me in the reflection of your words.”



  212.  #212Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:14 am

    Lovergirl…. My email address is duvall197936@gmail.com I would like to talk more about this and other thing about this new guy in my life. If you could please email me I really need some help. He also wants me to move to Texas with him in two weeks but my family is having a fit about it. Telling me that I am turning my back on them over a man so on and so on…



  213.  #213Gemini Goddess on January 20, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Andrea 195

    I LOVE this post. When things started taking off for me (with my own self), after the divorce, I turned my room into a private “boudoir”, rest of the house could do it’s thing, but my room was my sexy (by myself at the time) sanctuary…candles everywhere, drapey silk curtains, flowers, sparkly things in general, and totally feng shui. No kids, no pets, no laundry folding, etc. I’d be so thrilled to come home from work at lunch just to have a sexy “nooner” with my gorgeous self. I was reading about the Greek goddesses at the time, and imagined I was Aphrodite (still do). No concern for anything but beautiful things, and my own pleasure. Good luck competing with THAT, boys. 🙂



  214.  #214Tee on January 20, 2015 at 9:28 am

    #199 Dominique, thanks for stopping by. I posted my situation, I’d get to the capcha (sp?) part and it wouldn’t go through. It kept saying that what I typed in was wrong. I tried it several times. It could be an issue on my end since I’m on my cell.

    I miss the fire in my loins, yes. I miss wanting someone badly. Do I get easily aroused? No. It use to be that my partner could walk into the room and I’d be aroused.
    It could be raining outside and I’d be aroused! Now I have to touch myself, try to think sexual thoughts so that I can be ready.
    Yes, I climax fine.

    On a scale of 1 to 10, my sex drive was probably an 8. Now it’s like a 2. After sex, I’d be ready for more and more. Now, after we’ve finished, I’m happy because it means I have at least a week before he starts to drop hints. I also perform oral sex too. I use to live for sex with Mr. Man. I use to lie about his job not needing him to work that day lol just to keep him home for more sex. Now I can’t wait for him to go to work so he won’t ask lol

    I want those days back when I couldn’t keep my hands off of him, when every other dream I had was like soft core porn, etc.
    I feel incomplete without it. It’s unfair.



  215.  #215Lovergirl on January 20, 2015 at 9:30 am

    @ Dawn (211)-

    My alarm bells are going off when you say he wants you to move with him to Texas. I feel afraid to give too much advice since I am very new to the blog here and am not a coach or anything. I fear I wouldn’t know exactly what to say or the right thing to do. I’m still very confused and just learning in my own life.

    I do tend to follow my gut though, when it comes to red flags. A guy pressuring you to move is a huge red flag. If he gets you away from your family and dependent on him then you are stuck in a very difficult position and that is probably why your family is concerned.

    It is one thing if you have been together a long time and made a mutual decision. If it is not something you feel 100% ready to do, if there are any lingering doubts in your mind, I wouldn’t go. You shouldn’t HAVE to move NOW, if you know what I mean. If it’s a legitimate thing that he wants you to be a part of his life, he would still be waiting a month or two months or a year down the road. There would be no rush to move instantly.

    I think about my brother, who has a fiance that he is very much in love with. He had to move away for a year to do work in another state, in order to become certified (he’s a speech pathologist). I thought it was going to be hard for them, being separated and a few states away for a year, but he came back and asked her to marry him. The love didn’t just disappear (and he was non committal with other women before that).



  216.  #216Cutie on January 20, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Andrea, I also feel so happy reading your post — about your light bulb moment of knowing now what it feels like when a man is REALLY interested in you.

    I think Rori talks about ONLY dating guys that are REALLY interested in you (seems to be the only criteria for CDing, besides not being frightened or repulsed by the man).

    When I was actively CDing for nine months, I followed this rule. At times it was hard because the “Mr. Desirables” may not have been treating me as well as the “Puppy Dog Men” who were showing me with no uncertainty that they were interested.

    But I used feeling messages with the “Mr. Desirables” and held my boundaries of not dating them if they did not treat me like they were really interested. And I kept going out with the not-so-desirable guys who treated me like a queen, giving them at least five dates.

    For some reason, I feel like this sent the Universe the message that I was serious about only wanting It to send me men who were head-over-heels for me.

    And now I have been with a fabulous man for the past eight months and marriage is on the table!

    My main struggle now, and one that I am making babysteps to improve on every day, is allowing him to get close to me and touch my heart all the time. Basically, I’m now unraveling my own fear of intimacy. But that’s another story …



  217.  #217Femininewoman on January 20, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Dawn what do you want? Do you want to move with him?

    How do you feel about yourself when you are in his presence and not in his presence?



  218.  #218Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Lovergirl. I understand ur not a couch but I need someone that don’t know us and I know will tell the truth…



  219.  #219Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about him and want me to be happy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months. I was on a dating site called pof and I was talking to his friend and then when to meet his friend but ending dating him not his friend lol. But we are living together right now and he is from Texas and his mom is sick and needs him to come be with her and he wants me to go so he don’t lose me he said.



  220.  #220Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about him and want me to be happy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months. I was on a dating site called pof and I was talking to his friend and then when to meet his friend but ending dating him not his friend lol. But we are living together



  221.  #221Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about himhappy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months. I was on a dating site called pof and I was talking to his friend and then when to meet his friend but ending dating him not his friend lol. But we are living together



  222.  #222Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about himhappy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months. I was on a dating site called pof and I was talking to his friend and then when to meet his friend



  223.  #223Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about himhappy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months. I was on a dating site called p*fand I was talking to his friend and then when to meet his friend



  224.  #224Dawn on January 20, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Femininewoman… Like right now he is at work and I am home. I am lost with out him. I want to go with him my family has always told me what to do and I always do what it is that they want me to do. My kids are 19 and 12 and both my girls don’t live with me my oldest is in college and my other girl lives with her dad because the school is a lot better. But they both are crazy about himhappy. They tell me that I look so happy then I am with him… When we are together we don’t talk a lot but he has been in jail for 14 years and we have been together for about 5 months.



  225.  #225Labbit on January 20, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Andrea 195 — Wow wow wow!!! I can feel the hotness smoldering off the screen and it’s so good, haha. “Taking care of yourself emotionally is a very attractive quality.” Reminded, noted.

    204 — Lovergirl, I love what you say here. And it’s so true…when my male friends who are partnered describe their women, you would think all of them are Marilyn Monroe or Angelina Jolie. And the thing is with some of those women they love themselves so strongly that when I hang out with them I can feel it too! It’s a very cool thing. I also love what you say about men staring at parts of us they love during sex…I believe this is so true. I work hard to keep a fit, trim body but sometimes I just have to laugh because I’ve definitely noticed men focusing on parts of me that I’d consider ‘flabby’ or imperfect during sex. I used to date a guy who loved this little spot of back fat I can’t get to go away, sigh. He thought it was the most adorable thing even though I hated it!



  226.  #226Azure Blu on January 20, 2015 at 11:28 am

    ((((Cutie))))
    Ohhhh… mmmm… this sounds sooo lovely!!
    I can’t wait till this is true for me…
    “:~>



  227.  #227Cutie on January 20, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Thank you, Azure Blu! Your presence on Siren Island feels so warm and open.



  228.  #228Tee on January 20, 2015 at 11:59 am

    #199 Dominique, here’s a recap. Mr. Man is home from work today, still not over eating his bad batch of seafood from late Saturday night.

    I thought I was getting off easy in terms of sexual activity since he hasn’t been feeling so great.

    I was wrong. At one point, we’re watching a movie and he smiles at me and starts caressing (or pawing) at my breasts. I roll my eyes. He moves to take off my shirt and bra. I decide that I can either come up with excuses or give in.

    I go into the bathroom to freshen up and “get into character” so to speak. I return to bed and Mr. Man is all smiles and ready to go because it’s been so long he says. He looks so serene, content and happy. He’s kissing me all over. I try to first control my thoughts, they’re all over the place causing me to be irritated.

    I think about what I’ve been learning here and I shift moreso into my senses. The movie has since gone off but the background music is still playing. It has this bluesy/country twang to it so I focus on the rhythm along with Mr. Man’s rhythm.

    I’m more into what’s happening. It feels better once I take my brain out of it, I sense something I can’t explain. I don’t see colors in my minds eye but something like textures. Images take shape and somehow become tangible.

    Mr. Man reaches climax before I do. He’s apologetic, saying that he’s not the porn star he use to be. I tell him it’s ok. We kiss and I wipe his brow because he’s sweating. He makes no move to release me. We take a tiny break. We start again. I climax this time. He seems happy yet not.

    We talk later and he asks me if I enjoyed myself despite, what he perceived, as his lackluster performance. I tell him that I did.
    I always enjoy whatever happens in the moment. It’s the leading up to moments that feel like a chore.

    I like writing things out because I get to pinpoint things. Before my libido died lol anything Mr. Man did to me was arousing. Now I find myself inwardly criticizing his sexual technique. Not entirely clear on why other than maybe it’s yet another way to avoid falling too deeply into intimacy?

    I feel irritated by how my mind was trying to distract and ashamed at how I’ve allowed it. Of course he doesn’t know but it’s like when you’re at the movies and someone just keeps talking!

    It’s rude and distracting. Interesting when you write it and then step back.



  229.  #229Dominique on January 20, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Tee – You did show up on my site after all if you want to read what’s there, not so different from above.

    Honestly I’m getting more from you that you’re just fine here; it’s other things, deeper things surfacing and aching to be noticed, addressed.

    xxoo



  230.  #230Tee on January 20, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    #228, Dominique, thanks! It sorta feels good to know that I’m ok. I am still looking for that same level of intensity. It feels almost unnatural to me, like trying to write with my left hand. Slow and awkward. Yet, I spoke to a friend about this almost a year ago and she said Maybe it’s a good thing for y’all to slow down from all of the circus acts you would tell me about lol

    I guess I am entering a new phase and I’m feeling nervous and awkward despite knowing that there is no right or wrong to this ….just feeling good 🙂



  231.  #231lovetodance on January 20, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    227 tee

    this feels to me as if you are on to something so precious here…

    ‘it feels better once i take my mind out of it…’

    ‘Not entirely clear on why other than maybe it’s yet another way to avoid falling too deeply into intimacy?’

    very rich material to dive into i feel….



  232.  #232Tee on January 20, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    #227, Lovetodance, you know what. …I’m thankful for this blog. I tend to write and think and dig deep at the same time. I’m afraid that I’ve truly gotten on friends nerves this way lol.

    But yes, very rich indeed. When I was 13, I told myself that I’d never let anyone hurt me emotionally again. So I shut down and that was that. At this time, my mother had plans to move us from NJ to CA. I figured she was kidding until there was a U-Haul truck in front of the door. To say that I was pissed and heartbroken is an understatement.

    My Godfather came to see us off. I desperately wanted/needed him to fight for me to stay. He did nothing. In my 13 year old mind, this just made it worse. No one cared, no one loved me. I decided then & there that this level of pain would never reach me again.

    I didn’t speak to anyone for 6 months and my relationship with my Godfather turned cold and strained. It was already rocky but this made it worse.

    I couldn’t understand that as much as I was hurting, he had to be hurting too. I was basically his first child, he loved me like his own yet he was powerless when (to me) he was the most powerful man in the world.

    I was not his child. He had no say.
    I bring all of this up because it makes sense that I’m, in some ways, still emotionally stunted. I know sex but not intimate sexuality. I think about all of the movies that I like that feature sex. I found it hard to put into words but it wasn’t watching them make love that drew me in.

    Sure that was awesome but in some form or another….these characters were stripped of their walls, their inhibitions, their emotions.
    They found a partner who’d be there for them, rock them gently as they reached emotional depths they didn’t know possible. They’d sometimes scream and cry but they found their bottom in the safety of their lovers arms.

    I always seem/seemed drawn to these movies because I felt/ feel both envious as well as incapable.

    I buried the hatchet, so to speak, with my Godfather before he passed in 2012. My heart still aches for him. We accomplished so much yet so many barriers (his hateful wife primarily) remained. I have so much healing to do. I feel privileged but man I’m tired of the tears too



  233.  #233lovetodance on January 20, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    231 tee

    wow wow wow….

    you are courageous and insightful

    many kudos for you for ‘digging deep’ and knowing….
    putting words to the feelings…and feelings to the words is the necessary step i feel to healing….

    and you have so much insight here!

    i salute your journey…keep on wise siren…knowing where this may have begun for you….looking closely…
    sooo inspiring….

    ps i feel that is why humans love movies sooo…we get to experience what we need/want to experience…it is cathartic…and the good ones….very instructive and even possibly healing….



  234.  #234Tee on January 20, 2015 at 9:00 pm

    #232, thank you Lovetodance!
    Ok sirens, I apologize for being such a blog hog lol

    I’m feeling embarrassed and judgey.
    I gave Mr. Man the cold shoulder this evening. We were having such an awesome day and I feel that he ruined the vibe by indulging in habits that he knows I don’t approve of.

    We went back and forth. I slammed a few doors and then realized that he’ll do what he wants regardless of me, our son, etc.

    Is it the end of the world? No but again, I don’t approve. It causes me to feel uncertain. We get home, I ignore him, play with our son, etc.

    I look for something to lift my mood because I don’t enjoy being upset. Then once again, I get hit with some piece of information that was buried.

    It’s none of my business. I put my music on. Yup. As much as irritates me, it’s not about me despite how hard I try to get in there and take it on.

    I was told (this is actually true lol) by the Universe that I shouldn’t be relying on Mr. Man….I’m looking in the wrong direction for help. I should be looking to The Universe only.

    I’m embarrassed because I jumped down his throat and forgot the lesson as well.
    This is hard. Looking strictly to the Universe and not to the person next to you…ugh!



  235.  #235Johanna on January 20, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    Azure Blu 133
    You’re welcome Lovely. And thanks so much! Hugss for you!!! I’ve been feeling soo much better since I’ve opened up to you beautiful sirens. I haven’t felt so happy, calm, stress free in such a long time. It feels amazing.

    Gear 138
    Thank you so much! It feels so good to have that weight lifted off my shoulders. Now that I’ve stopped trying to fix everything I’ve realized that I’ve had it all wrong. He really didn’t want/expect me to take everything upon myself (so it seems) Ugh!! If only I would have realized sooner. Well I’m happy I’m beginning to see my mistakes. It feels so much better.

    And oops! I’m sorry Lovely I didn’t mean to make it seem as if I am married. I’m not. I use SO instead of BF because I don’t like saying boyfriend for some reason. But I don’t take it as meaning marriage.Or was it confusing when I mentioned my brother-in-law? My older sister is married so I was talking about her husband. Sorry I wasn’t clear about it.

    It FEELS like we are married though haha and yes 6 years going on 7 IS a long time. We’ve been together since we were just teens. It’s an odd feeling because sometimes it feels like we’ve been together since forever AND it feels like we’ve only just begun BOTH at the same time. Things feel good between us right now so I am hopeful for our future. Taking it slow though. Hugss!!

    Femininewoman 150

    Yess 6 years is a long time but not so long if you want to be with someone for life? We were both very young when we started this relationship and back then I had no clue what I wanted in a serious, committed relationship. All I knew was that I was very much in love. Now that I’m older and I’ve been through so much with him, I’m beginning to realize my wants/needs. I’m hoping that I can find that with in my current relationship…if I have the time that I need to focus on myself. He really seems to understand that and has been very sweet and gentle towards me. I just need some TLC from myself and to realize my boundaries/limits. So far so good!



  236.  #236Mandy on January 21, 2015 at 12:36 am

    Okay, I’ll open up and break down a bit here…

    I feel very *not* awesome at the moment. Ah…how to be Sireny when feeling not awesome…

    SInking into the not awesome feeling would be sinking into self-pity, right? Self pity isn’t attractive I don’t think…

    I feel so clumsy and dumb and like not good enough for jobs, for my modeling, for lots of things….

    I feel so confused on this one…need help…



  237.  #237Indigo on January 21, 2015 at 2:09 am

    Mandy,

    I can’t say I have a magic potion to make you feel awesome again, but I will commiserate with you. I’m on my period, and I’m feeling the biggest urge to go home and make myself a massive mug of hot chocolate and finish the rest of a cheesecake which is in my fridge.

    I’m feeling a lot of things right now, none of which I can make sense of, and I feel quite comfy and cosy in the “not making sense of” right now. I can feel very restless and sensitive all at once on the first day of my period and so I’m planning to take myself off for a long walk this afternoon, and then have a cuddle with my kitties. It is ok to admit to not feeling very Sireny and brave – that is how I feel at the moment. Just a bit sorry for myself, lol :p



  238.  #238Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 5:23 am

    I’m joining in on the not sireny. I feel so teary and tired. I feel desperate actually. I have two clients not paying and no money – I have no wi fi where I’m staying so communicating with people is really hard I have to buy drinks in bars to communicate and to work (I had to borrow 15usd today which will only last me another day). The time difference between me and anyone that can help me is also exhausting. I feel so frustrated I can’t reach anyone. I feel isolated and scared. My hair is filthy cos the water is ice cold and I put off washing it, I’m covered in bites and I need some serious bodily hair removal. I feel feral and not good feral. I feel at the end of what I can cope with – today I seriously questioned going home…but the idea that there’s nothing for me there either just feels despairing. Wooooo aaaahhhh life can feel really really tough sometimes.



  239.  #239Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 5:28 am

    Mandy – i’m totally feeling self pity and the nvs are doing their business with how i’m not good enough, and nothing works out, and I can’t support myself, and I’m never going to find the answer blah blah – I don’t know how to dig myself out of the self pity – I’m at that stage I think where all I can do is just work through getting on with it making the most out of what is in front of me every day…oh and accepting where I’m at might help me…I was thinking that earlier…can I accept feeling so uncomfortable? For a while, the answer was yes and I felt soothed. Now, the answer is no again…



  240.  #240lovetodance on January 21, 2015 at 5:33 am

    mercury goes retrograde today until feb 11th…a time to re-think, re-imagine, re-organize, re-treat, re-juvenate. etc…

    all the ‘re’ things… re-turning, re-creating, re-fining…on and on and fun and satisfying to think of all that re-ing….and a time to give ourselves to not be so re-active…to maybe re-treat and re-form what we we think, who we think we are, what energy we are creating…what are we making inside?

    i know i need to keep moving forward…yet i feel that it may feel right now like standing in place..not stagnating but re-aligning in a re- assuring way…trusting more the way of things to re- volve in a strengthening and stabilizing way…

    that is my prayer this morning…

    big hugs to all of us…we all have alot on our plates becoming, growing…lovingly accepting and strengthening of course in a re-laxing and re=freshing way! lol….xoxoxo



  241.  #241lovetodance on January 21, 2015 at 5:38 am

    hugs to you sophie, mandy,indigo

    and to me

    beautiful women ….beautiful sirens…even in our most dire yet reverent situations…

    persevere in a gentle way with ourselves now….it will keep revolving and reforming

    big love and hugs



  242.  #242Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 5:42 am

    thank you for your post lovetodance it feels light and positive – I so long for the resources to be able to relax and retreat and refresh and regroup and realign – I am lying in the evening heat in beautiful surroundings on the beach and my mind is in the pits – re-diculous!



  243.  #243Indigo on January 21, 2015 at 5:49 am

    ((((Sophie))))



  244.  #244lovetodance on January 21, 2015 at 6:00 am

    ahhhh sophie!

    and you still have your lovely and sparkly sense of humor….

    darling…wishing money, ease coming your way

    you deserve
    you are creative
    you really are a fabulous siren….not just saying….



  245.  #245Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 6:02 am

    Thanks Indigo and love to dance ((((hugs to all of us too)))



  246.  #246Azure Blu on January 21, 2015 at 7:06 am

    lovetodance #239
    mmmm…. thank you for the collective prayer…
    nice to know what the universe is up to
    with Mercury in retrograde!!

    Dancing in the New Year!!
    oxoxo



  247.  #247Azure Blu on January 21, 2015 at 7:21 am

    {{{{Sophie}}}
    Ahhhh… you adventuress!
    You child of the universe!
    Bold and Open Siren… Traveling
    making new friends… seeing NEW places
    experience the WORLD…
    I am feeling sad that your finances are so dire…
    It makes a Magical situation seem dark and
    unyielding…
    I am hoping you get to a place with better access to
    resources and you receive payment from
    work completed… VERY SOON!!!



  248.  #248Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Thank you lovetodance – I missed your comment (isn’t a sense of humour such a blessing!)

    And Azure Blu – I feel so loved by your comment. I asked my parents for money. Got shouted at but they said yes. I followed the music to the reggae bar – I soaked in some soul for a while. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Just feel it. I felt better – then it felt too hetic and I left. Now I have found a connection who will let me use the internet (and maybe some friends). It turns on a dime when you travel.

    I feel a bit depressed – I am very tearful – but that’s quite normal. I was probably depressed before I left – I have never accepted it. I’ve always fought it. I wonder if I need to start accepting it. And if I do what that means – back on meds? I feel curious about this…

    Sorry for being such a doom and gloom voice – I feel depleted. Tomorrow I’ll probably be posting how wonderful and excited I feel (it’s possible :)) Or…giving back…I’d love to be a useful siren and offer the support back to you all

    xxx



  249.  #249Sophie on January 21, 2015 at 9:15 am

    I feel loved by your comment too lovetodance – I’m going to do a collective prayer on the (just past) new moon for all the sirens tonight 🙂



  250.  #250Snow on January 23, 2015 at 7:30 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I have a rather personal question to ask. I don’t remember where, but in one of your programs I believe you mention that a woman should not ‘service a man’…i’m curious about this…
    Here is my situation: the man I am sexually intimate with – my boyfriend of 8 months now – ‘serviced me’ passionately and without hesitation during the first, say, half of our relationship. I also ‘serviced him’ early on in the relationship but then something happened…something shifted…he began ‘servicing me’ less and less….and I now ‘service him’ almost exclusively – he no longer really does.
    Could you help understand this dynamic.. What do I do? This happened to me with my last boyfriend – and soon after he stopped ‘servicing me’ – yet I was ‘servicing him’ – he broke up with me. Coincidence or correlation? Should women ‘service’ a man – ever?



  251.  #251shanta on January 26, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Hello,
    I wanted some advice on my current situation. I was reading some things on the website & i noticed where it talks about leaning back & being the anchor to his rubber band. I’m experiencing that kind of situation now. He went from skipping the gym to get hugs & kisses, us meeting up at least 3 times a week, talking about a future & asking if I wanted to come to mom’s for dinner to barely seeing him & talking to him. I’m pretty sure I asked the wrong questions & tried too hard. What can I say or do to find out why he has become distant? I haven’t been to his joust in weeks & he hasn’t been to mine. We talk every day but it’s not the same. What should I do to bring him back? Any advice is appreciated.



  252.  #252Gemini Goddess on January 26, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    The way I see it, you have two options. You could either say something very matter-of-fact like “I feel like we have been distant in the last couple weeks. I like it when I feel close to you. Is there anything I should know?” At which point you just listen to his answer, accept whatever it is, and drop the topic completely. Or option two is NOT ask him and just wait it out. Either way, find something else to occupy your time. The situation will resolve itself.

    Good luck!



  253.  #253shanta on January 31, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    GEMINI Goddess i have an update on the situation you advised me on. I’m confused by his response & i don’t feel like anything was resolved. What do I do now? I am happy that I finally brought it up and I feel like a weight has been lifted but in also feel that something is missing & its a real answer.

    I don’t understand y i am not getting a more detailed response. He only said that he didn’t know where that was coming from & that it’s always junk when it comes to his life. I told him that is how I am feeling. I want to know if there is anything going on that I should know about.

    GG I want clarification on us. I want to know where we stand. I want to relate that to him without blaming or criticism. I want to know so that I know what to do next. I get the feeling there is something I should because I didn’t get much from him. I feel lost.



  254.  #254Femininewoman on January 31, 2015 at 10:44 pm

    shanta read your post and see how hyperfocussed you are on him and what is happening. All the needs to know feels like pressure to me so I can imagine it feels the same to him. It sounds to me like you need to shift your focus to something else that makes you happy and will bring you back to a soft loving place. Right now it sounds like you want to control everything that happens in the relationship. Asking him where we stand will certainly push him further away. Are you circular dating?



  255.  #255shanta on February 1, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Femininewoman,
    I do circular date when I have the time. Im in school. I’m off Friday – Sunday & I have children that require a lot of my time. There are 3 other guys that I am CD. I talk with 2 of them almost daily.

    I didn’t ask him any questions about us. I only said to him what GG gave me. When he responded about 1st it was that he is tired of his life being filled with junk. Then he responded abt an hour later that miserable ppl r trying to make him miserable. (He has a 9 m.o. daughter & isn’t with the mother & she tries to cause confusion). I said i understand how that feels & what I hear from him is what matters to me not wht other ppl say. He nvr responded.

    He usually always texts me before he goes to bed. It had been abt an hour & half later so I texted him again.

    I responded that I wanted to share my feelings on the situation because knowing where we stand means smthn to me & I want a honest & open communication between us. I felt sad & disconnected from him lately & that I didnt like the way it felt. I told him I was going to bed. I didn’t have a response from him when I awoke this morning.

    It’s Superbowl Sunday & I’m having my sons & their friends a party. I believe that will definitely change my focus. I love football. I also love cooking for my boys & their friends. Cooking and baking brings me joy!



  256.  #256shanta on February 4, 2015 at 3:42 am

    I don’t know if anyone will see this, but I felt like updating anyway.

    I haven’t heard from him since the last time I posted and I was feeling sad and disappointed in him at first, but now I feel lighter. If that makes sense. I feel like I had been holding my breath & now I can breath.



  257.  #257Dana on February 15, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    I have the same problem. Just 6 weeks out of 2 year live in relationship of which I had many attitudes and anger issues. He had things that triggered them. I know that now. He’s with someone else and was the day after we broke up. He was talking to her I think online and then met the next day. It wasn’t planned because I ended up telling him he should move out. He said he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore however he still loved me. After hearing Rory’s Reconnect your Relationship, I know EXACTLY what I did wrong. I was too easy for him. I leaned WAY too forward. I believe he is a rebound relationship. I believe we will connect again. IF that happens, I plan to be circular dating and will lean back as much as I can. Basically, be friends for a while until he proves to me he loves me and gives me the ring. I’ve written my boundaries down, just in case. I need to be prepared, because my gut says he’ll be back. He ran because it was too intense and I he had shut down emotionally because of my anger issues. Plus we were having financial stressors. We needed to separate honestly. If he doesn’t come back, then I’m still circular dating. But to be completely honest, I have been a complete wreck for the last 6 weeks. Today is one of the first days I have felt normal. Went grocery shopping, cleaned the litter box etc. This man completely turned my life upside down. NO man will EVER do that to me again. I just bought Rory’s complete set and will be SO ready for either him when he returns or the next guy. I’m doing this!