What Do I Really, Really Want?

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IMG_1780Ever get this inner rage feeling where you want to spew all over everyone?

I’m feeling that right this minute, and so this blog post is right from now, me talking into my phone on a dog walk.

And now, as I speak – it’s faded. In the past.

My husband triggered me, I felt incensed, felt rage, frustration. And now – sweetness. Here’s how:

It’s about letting myself INTO my rage.

Here’s the “Riff” …

Once I get into that anger, the feeling, the sensation, where it is in my body, and stop bouncing around between wanting to grab, wanting to run, wanting to punish, wanting to scream, wanting to shake, wanting to blame myself for just BEING here…

… and just ask myself what it is I want, what is it I’m missing, what HE wants, what HE’S missing, what’s MY responsibility, what’s HIS, and…

…ask how I could express myself while still being aware that, yes, he’s doing the best he can at this moment…

…and then just let myself SIT with all that…

…the truth just unfolds itself right in front of me.

Everything gets clear.

For THIS moment.

Love, Rori

 

280 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on June 4, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    First!! LOL <—Nerd



  2.  #2Zara on June 4, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Deuxième 😉

    xxx



  3.  #3Zara on June 4, 2016 at 2:55 pm


  4.  #4MissStix on June 4, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Prepping for a sleepover date tonight.
    Relaxing…
    Not letting the urge to RUSH take over.
    I feel like having a drink so i’ll do that.
    I sent a text…The first time i’ve texted him first in many weeks. But hey…i’m running very late. Like over an hour late. And I do not plan on giving into the rush.

    Since last night, all through a busy day at work and relaxing here after I have felt so at ease. My favourite feeling. I want to wrap myself up in it.
    Mmm now i’m sitting here sipping my drink playing great music and just loving on my life.
    Tonight he has planned a walk along the boardwalk and tomorrow an adventure to eat at a new restaurant and also some casual outdoor sports. Supposed to be as hot as a full summer day here tomorrow. Looking forward to playing in the sunshine 🙂

    I love where i’m at right now so much that I hardly want to move my butt off this beautiful patio to do my hair 😀



  5.  #5MissStix on June 4, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    I really enjoyed the more personal post and riff. Thanks rori!



  6.  #6MissStix on June 4, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    Ok I didn’t move lol

    Oh how i’m learning how much I LOVE my own company. I could spend all night here with myself dancing, singing, watching movies, drinking wine.
    Seems to me that’s what this little adventure of mine is all about. Getting to know myself again wholly and separately and listening to what she has to say on the matter of the big decision she has to make.
    Seems to me she does want to marry this man and yet she doesn’t want to go back just yet. It’s not time yet. I’m letting her know that’s just fine. If she wants to live here for another month that’s cool too.
    Ok and now I get ready to go 😀



  7.  #7Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 8:35 am

    Miss Stix…
    Mmmmmm I feel like a warm summer evening with a warm wind blowing through my heart… when I read these posts of yours!!!
    Thank you for sharing the “slowing down”
    oxoxo



  8.  #8Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 8:36 am

    Rori.
    I agree with Miss Stix…
    so lovely and trusting of you to share a moment, a vulnerable moment, in your life.
    oxoxo



  9.  #9Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 9:02 am

    I feel my heart expanding…
    I feel like opening a new door…
    I feel missing…
    I feel heart open when I reminisce about alllllll the wonderful times with Spirit…
    I feel sad and heart aching…
    I feel love… for Spirit
    I feel courage…
    I feel LOTS of LOVE for **ME**

    Ahhh lovely Sirens…
    Wish me much courage to stand by ME…
    and move out of my love relationship with Spirit…

    We had a most wonderful 4 summery, warm, loving days together last weekend…
    He was sooo loving, generous, romantic, affectionate, sharing, adoring., adventurous and fun..
    BUT continually talking about his politics and religion…
    Me softly asking him to “Let’s not talk about this.”
    “Let’s just agree we disagree and not bring this stuff up.”
    Which i have asked for for 2 years…

    I have tried open hearted sharing of beliefs…
    he just makes me wrong and becomes RUDE!!!!

    finally… on Mon. after he brought up about MORE negatives about my candidate…
    I walked away and left my house… He was leaving to play golf.
    It’s been 6 days… neither of us has contacted…

    over the past 2 years….I had been hoping we could overcome these 2 basic differences…

    We have both changed… compromised…

    BUT he is very passionate about his politics and religion…
    Why should he stop expressing himself with the one he loves? it seems Very unfullfilling.for him….

    and politics and spirituality are very important to me
    I love sharing my thoughts on these… and I have worked very hard at staying in my feminine with him on these things.
    BUT I feel stiffled !

    I DO want a man who believes at least a little of one of my basics
    It doesnt’ have to be both (WOW that would be Fantastic!!)
    Really just an open hearted dialogue and sharing would be Awesome!!
    Soooo…
    Yes,
    I am staying on my bridge… letting go of Spirit…
    and walking forward
    Into MY HappyEverAfter… with a NEW…more wonderful man
    I am sooo thankful for the opportunity to grow my intimacy muscles with Spirit!!!
    He is soo much more of a Quality man than I have ever had!!!
    I got to practice staying feminine… understanding ME more, loving ALLL of me!!!
    and Opening my heart to a man I love,,,, breaking down my walls to Intimacy!
    The Rori tools – all the Rori coaches tools – ARE MAGICAL
    I need huggs
    and couragious vibes
    from all you lovely Sirens on Siren Island!!!
    Thank you!!!



  10.  #10MissStix on June 5, 2016 at 9:27 am

    ((((((Azure))))))

    Sending you all my warmest and most powerful vibes.



  11.  #11Zara on June 5, 2016 at 9:35 am

    ((( Azure Blue )))



  12.  #12MissStix on June 5, 2016 at 9:42 am

    I feel lovely and pampered today.
    Last night I experienced something I have never experienced before…Hearing that I am beautiful.
    I have heard this before but not like this. Not just like…Hi beautiful. Or even wow you’re beautiful.
    Not like that at all. It was an experience…
    It was walking around a corner and having a man who obviously loves me very deeply capture me in his gaze. His gaze bore way down deep, beyond my eyes and right down into my center. The words were felt more han spoken and heard. “Oh my god, you are so dam beautiful.” And he wrapped me up in his arms and held me like he never wanted to let me go.
    I feel tears welling up even as I write this.
    That I can be 32, divorced and been with a decent share of men romantically and even physically and never have had this experience. An experience I could not have denied or deflected even if i’d wanted to.
    And also to just know. To feel it so honestly… The connection, the admiration, what we have built between us over these years.
    I don’t know that there are 2 people who have grown so rapidly together for the better.
    I’m sure there are lol
    I don’t care. I’m unapologetically high on us right now. I feel such an intense, warm feeling akin to pride welling up inside me. For me for standing in my truth and doing so with compassion and kindness. And for him for stepping up so hugely with emotional honesty, passion and action.
    Lord what a beautiful day 🙂



  13.  #13Sassy on June 5, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Azure,

    I feel soooo sad reading about you and Spirit, that you’ve concluded your relationship cannot continue under the circumstances of such differing beliefs. I think this is touching me so deeply because we are so close in age, I’m just a few years younger.

    I understand and respect your decision. In my own personal life, while I will express my opinions regarding religious and/or political beliefs, if my partner disagrees, I will not debate or argue them,
    nor would I end a loving relationship because of that. It feels as if it’s a competition and, to me, ( really for whatever that’s worth..), that plays into giving over to my masculine energy, which I am really, really trying to keep out of my relationships.

    Azure, is it possible there is more going on than vastly differing, deal breaking beliefs and opinions?
    Possibly control issues? Just feeling curious and sad about this as you had made such improvements with him.

    Hugs to you



  14.  #14Sassy on June 5, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Missing Lovergirl, Sophie, Mandy….



  15.  #15Sassy on June 5, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    Miss Stix

    #12. Wow! I felt so happy reading about that connection and feeling of love that was poured over you.

    We all deserve to hear and feel that!



  16.  #16Posie on June 5, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    ((((((Azure)))))



  17.  #17Dixie on June 5, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    Azure,
    You’ve always felt like such a warm and loving soul here on the boards, always full of deep feelings and such a beautiful spirit.

    I feel sad to read your post but inspired at the same time because of how open your heart is, and how far you came with Spirit! In all other aspects, it sounds like his heart has burst open with affection.

    But I am so glad that you are putting your needs first and looking after you, and what your heart needs for your Forever Story. I can only imagine how scary this decision must have felt!!

    Lots and lots of hugs.



  18.  #18Indigo on June 5, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    ((((Azure Blu))))

    I believe we all know within ourselves what is best for us. I know how good it feels when you are in sync with the man you are with on important issues, and how frustrating it feels when you love someone but just feel like there is a huge disconnect about how you see the world. Even when the man is wonderful in every other way.

    Almost everyone told me I was mad for leaving my ex-husband (and I’m not saying your situation is the same). They simply couldn’t understand why I would leave such a wonderful situation with a man who adored me so much and was so good to me. But I felt deeply unfulfilled and deeply misunderstood because he just didn’t understand me on huge issues that were important to me, nor did he have the capacity to even try. We were going in completely opposite directions. And the happiness I feel being with a man who is more in tune with me tells me that I did the right thing.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:22 pm

    Miss Stix and Zara… thank you for your hugggggsss and warm positive vibrations!!!
    It feels sooo good!!!



  20.  #20Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    Miss Stix #12
    Ohhhh…. Mmmmyyy!!! This sounds sooo warm, bright shinny Yumminess!!
    Ahhh the deep down feeling of being loved and cherished!!
    THank you for sharing..
    You sooo deserve Alll of this!



  21.  #21Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:34 pm

    Sassy #13
    thank you for your thoughtful questions and insights…
    Yes, I agree with the debating being masculine…
    I feel I have tried allll of the different approaches…
    But really, He LOVES to share his one side of both religion and politics A LOT…
    Mainly I try to NOT discuss it and just listen… but he really isn’t satisfied until I seem to agree… It is too overwhelming… day in and day out…
    It was one thing I wanted to see if I could handle on a day to day basis…
    I too am quite passionate about both of these things
    and thought I wouldn’t talk with him about them
    but save my conversations with friends and family…
    But alas…nothing seems to work…
    I don’t do this easily or without deep deep contimplation…
    . I am older and it feels sooo late in life to start all over
    AGAIN!!!
    I feel disheartened and discouraged tonight…



  22.  #22Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    Posie thank you for your warm huggs!!!
    Dixie thank you and Yes…
    Spirit and I have come soooo far and it is VERY SCARY to let him and our relationship go…
    But I do love ME so much… I really want something easy and self fullfilling for both partners!!



  23.  #23Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    Indigo…
    Thank you for your hugggs.!!!
    and for your understanding of how
    unfulfilled and at odds with ME I feel in this relationship… so sad… :-((
    When you express your happiness with being with someone who is more in allignment with your core beliefs…
    I feel relaxed and calm…
    YES… I want that feeling!!! I had that with my late fiance…. It was an amazing feeling… I miss that…
    But I havn’t really met anyone who was that in tune with my core… so I have been able to let that part of my dream go…
    and compramise… but this is too much for MY idea of happyeverafter…
    I know I can move into the light… push open that door…
    I will be gentle and patient with ME
    with the process



  24.  #24Sassy on June 6, 2016 at 3:27 am

    Azure,

    I feel clearer about your decision. I really only want the best and happiness for you.

    I am sorry you are feeling disheartened and discouraged. Take some time to be gentle with yourself and allow the grieving to flow through your body. I truly hope in the near future you will find someone that is worthy of all the love you have to share.



  25.  #25Victoria on June 6, 2016 at 4:19 am

    Azure,
    I think you just had too much time together (intimacy overload), and you both needed a break.
    This is not to invalidate your feelings, and of course what all the sirens say is true.
    But.
    Couples do not break over politics and religion, Really, if this was so different, you would not have made it this far.
    By the time you read this post from me most probably he will be ay upir door asking for forgiveness.
    No man in his true mind will let a woman as wonderful as you are, leave him over phylosophical disagreements. I bet on this.
    Much love to you!



  26.  #26Femininewoman on June 6, 2016 at 6:27 am

    Victoria though I don’t feel fully in agreement with your comment “Couples do not break over politics and religion” to Azure because I don’t believe it is really true, I feel very resonant with most of what else you are saying. I wonder if there is any pattern in there where he brings up these subjects after times of deep intimacy?



  27.  #27Victoria on June 6, 2016 at 7:03 am

    FW,
    I think once a couple is “”established”” people can quarrel and argue and be mad with each other and sulk over religion and politics, but would most likely not break over it. I think people break over money, infidelity and different goals in life, or when one person becomes unexcited and uninspired by the relationship and starts to feel attraction to other people (to borrow MsStix’s description). I think between Azure and Spirit there is too much chemistry, heat and tension, this is like Italian couples appear in the old movies, arguing in loud voices and being wildly passionate about each other. Of course I have no way of knowing whether this is true or not… but this is the “”vibration” I am getting of what Azure has told here.



  28.  #28Kim on June 6, 2016 at 7:19 am

    (((Azure))) I am here (there…you know where lol) if you want to chat..

    First of all I was going to wholeheartedly agree with you Victoria…because I have had relationships with men who were differently orientated politically. However, they were (and I was) tolerant of other people’s views and even though there were discussions, they could drop them also.

    And then…I remember I dated a very religious right tendency guy once….who continually rubbed me up the wrong way with his ‘holier than though’ (preaching but NOT practicing) attitude. Going to church, judging others but his 14 year old daughter in age inappropriate clothes and make up looking like 30, somehow that was ok – he was a mysoginistic bigot….campaigning for planned parenthood to go away etc. However nice he was to me. I broke off all contact. I still had him on my facebook until I saw that he now has a Thai Bride and they posed with Trump Hats ‘Make America Great Again’, while posting all this crap how illegal immigrants get everything for free…political propaganda (if you do not have an SS number in this country you get nothing, I don’t know where that myth stems from)…
    The irony of it.
    I could not take it anymore and deleted him…it felt offensive to me.
    So in a word – and please, I do not want to start a political debate because I do respect other people’s opinions – I could not marry a church-going Trump supporter who spreads lies everywhere and preaches hate and intolerance. Not going to happen. Ever.

    So….



  29.  #29Liquid Light on June 6, 2016 at 11:06 am

    Azure,

    I’m so sorry to hear this about Spirit. Maybe sit with it and see how it feels after a bit of time…

    See what he does at this very pivotal moment…

    Big hugs to you Siren…I know this can’t be easy…

    I know that if someone I was involved with kept pushing an issue like that, without trying to compromise or be respectful of my wishes after I had communicated them clearly, that would be something I would feel upset about too.

    Feel your way through this, listen to your heart, honor yourself and let that guide you…

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Azure))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  30.  #30Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 11:53 am

    Sassy… thank you…
    yes time to be compassionate and gentle with ((ME))



  31.  #31Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    Victoria…
    Thank you Darling!!
    I’m sorry to say… he has not contacted me…
    I am sure he is carefully concidering everything!

    I agree with the rhythm of his laud proclamations of religion and politics (and My more volital reactions to them)
    when we have had much intimacy and closeness…
    And you are right we do have wild wonderful chemistry…
    but he is exactly like Kim describes…
    and that is SOOOO VERY different from
    my values and what I hold dear…
    which is to at least try to be open to others ideas and NOT be so condisending to others
    and ME!!!

    As you learned from your last CD… of always and forever being late (that behavior wore you down and felt disrespectful to you)
    after me asking for a less explosive and over bearing approach for 2 years… and of course I don’t want to change who he is!!!
    as Dominique asks us: “If he never changes… can you love him just as he is right now.”
    No… it is wearing away at my since of self and joy!
    and we’re not even living together…



  32.  #32Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    KIM… thank you for your warm insights…
    and that is the crux of the matter:
    “However, they were (and I was) TOLERANT OF OTHER PEOPLES VIEWS
    and even though there were discussions, THEY COULD DROP THEM ALSO.
    he is NOT tolerant
    and he CAN”T EVERY Just
    Drop IT!!!



  33.  #33Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    LiQuid Light!!!
    thank you for the BIG hugs and warm words!!!

    I have thought about it many times over the 2 years…
    found my parts in all of it… grown from it…
    and then there’s the part where it begins to break me and the relationship down…

    He feels PROUD and BRAGS about making people
    just get up and WALK AWAY time after time…
    when he has discussions with them at events, restaurants..
    He’ll start up a conversation about politics or religion…
    Saying THEY don’t know what they are talking about
    (one example; he believes the earth is only 6,000 years old)
    and they are stupid etc.

    It is feeling discouraging to have to walk away from this one…
    to start again…

    BUT being exclusive with Spirit was a decision I made
    Because I needed to make sure – after all our back and forth
    and not being able to let anyone else into my heart
    to see if we could make these Extremely difficult differences work…
    and now… I CAN move on
    Knowing I gave it MY ALL – and so did he!!

    Still VERY sad and heart broken…
    but I see another door opening
    and I am in an even better position to find my MR. Right!!



  34.  #34Kim on June 6, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    Azure it sounds like you made the right decision….I would have done the same.
    It is one thing having ones views and opinions. It is quite another, forcing them down people’s throats and being outright rude in talking them down and calling them names.
    No matter how good a man or how good he treats me, I could not be with someone like that long term.
    Just like I can’t be with someone who is rude to waiters etc.
    It certainly would rob me of my joy.
    Sometimes chemistry can also lead us down the wrong path a little – I know it had sent me down the garden path a few times. Sometimes we have to try and try again with the same man even though deep down we know it might not work. I have done it. Sometimes that’s what it takes for us to eventually move on…and it hurts for sure but it’s great you stood up for you.
    For the happily ever after.
    I can’t see you with a rude and condescending guy, even if it only happens now and then – you deserve way better.
    xoxo



  35.  #35Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Kim…
    thank you again!!!
    I feel supported with everyones thoughtful insights and questions…
    You are all giving me courage to stand by me…

    So sad and surprised that he has just disappeared…
    He has a bunch of his cloths etc.at my house…
    but nothing that he couldn’t just let go of…
    so who knows maybe that was it…
    I’m sure he knows I was getting tired of all of the political talk.

    I’m struggling with sleeping… my awake and sleep patterns are getting off…
    I have my magazine to get out and I can’t seem to concentrate.
    I can do this… I’m sitting down with my feelings of sadness… disappointment…
    anger… frustration… still single after ALLLLLL these years…
    disappointed… disappointed…. disappointed…
    I love my disappointment… she shows me what I am really wanting…
    good night all you Sirens of this lovely Island!!!



  36.  #36Indigo on June 7, 2016 at 4:18 am

    Azure Blu,

    For what it’s worth, I think his patterns of disappearance for days, when looked at in the context of your history, are more worrying. Although I really understand how frustrating and draining it feels to be with someone who is disrespectful of your and other people’s points of view. My ex-husband was like this – not about religion and politics so much, but about my views on other things, about my family and the way I was raised and the whole way I saw the world… he was very scathing and it just wore me down and hurt me such a lot. As I’ve said before, it’s such a joy to be with someone where these things just flow and are effortless. Where you feel in sync and like partners.

    Also… it is tempting to fall into the thinking of “I’m still single after all these years”, but I would encourage you not to go there. For one thing, it’s inaccurate. Over “all these years” you have been married, engaged and had several boyfriends. For as long as you’ve been on this blog you’ve had men interested in you. Try to remember that this is your CHOICE, to break up with Spirit and find someone better, this is not something that has happened to you. It’s a journey towards better and better things, and this is a good thing. If you look at life as a summation of all these relationships and experiences that we’ve been privileged to have, rather than one long failure, it gets a lot easier and happier, I promise you.



  37.  #37Victoria on June 7, 2016 at 4:36 am

    Azure
    I am so so so sorry that you need to go through this disappointment.
    So what are you going to do next? Are you willing to wait the proverbial 8 weeks?
    Are you willing to go back to CDing? I guess the guy who you dumped in order to be with Spirit will be overjoyed if you want to give him another chance. Do you need closure or can you let him go without having another talk? Am I asking too many questions?
    You know, as satisfied I am with my present relationship, I must say I have never (before or after) had the type of chemistry I used to have with the previous CD, and sometimes I miss that. And I think that the reason I was so crazy about that guy is because he was always a bit out of reach for me… seemed like I almost had him, but I never did have 100% of him. Are you willing to do the tradeoff: chemistry for political and religious compatibility? Mine was chemistry for reliability. Not a bad deal, but I think I need to be fully honest with you.



  38.  #38Kim on June 7, 2016 at 4:39 am

    (((Azure))) it is normal to feel like this, I remember feeling the same after a breakup…hopeless etc. there are stages of grief….just throw a lot of love on yourself….treat yourself to something you enjoy….take a walk…when you get out of the busy business of doing your magazine.
    I agree with Indigo. You chose,because you know you deserve better.
    He will of course be back. This is not it. I would bet my life on it. The thing to think about is what you will do when he contacts you again…
    The disappeareance….some men need time to collect their thoughts and their timing is indeed different to ours, that in itself after a big argument wouldn’t surprise me, especially not after a kind of breakup…it has happened to me that guys also disappeared after an argument, because they thought it would be better and it was what I wanted. We don’t know why. We don’t know what is going on in anyone’s head.
    It does look like an unhealthy dynamic but then I did have a few ‘fallings out’ with my now fiance in the first year of us getting together…it is never easy to negotiate the beginning of a relationship when we are a little older. Two totally different people with different histories, past hurts etc. Once the first infatuation wears off a relationship is negotiation…a lot of it…compromise etc.
    Easy to say everything is perfect in the first few weeks, of course but things get real when we get real and drop the masks and that doesn’t happen much before 6 months…in my experience.
    Then we get to decide: can I live with this, does this feel good?
    If you are banging heads over the same issue continually, I guess it is fair to say that it most likely won’t go away…



  39.  #39Kim on June 7, 2016 at 4:46 am

    Victoria….same here! That bloody chemistry gets us every time! I believe it.
    It’s not that I don’t have chemistry with my soon to be hubby…but nothing like what I have had with some other guys where I was constantly off balance and they never committed to me fully, or were unreliable – or still had an ex living with them that now is again the main woman! Even if I founf out some things only aftrwards, I think we can smell the ‘unhealthy’ chemistry and sometimes it is what keeps us stuck! Somewhere within us we like a little drama…uncertainty…up and down.
    I admit to it.
    Now everything is SO easy. Before we got engaged I did think, wow this is almost boring….we don’t fall out or he is never interested in other women or hides anything from me etc. – but it feels healthy!
    Sometimes we have to reprogram ourselves….I would not trade what I have now for an exciting guy who can’t be relied on. Or disrespects me.
    Not in a million years.



  40.  #40Azure Blu on June 7, 2016 at 6:20 am

    Kim, Victoria and Indigo…
    Ohhh my… I feel so supported and like a big pink cashmere blanket is wrapped all around me with loving kindness…
    Warm words of gentle wisdom…
    Kind words of encouragement and strength to carry on…

    Yes… I have visualized and gone over in my head what I want to say if he does
    call or come around…
    That we both have tried really hard and have compromised and been loving and kind…
    that he is an amazing man…
    It feels draining to talk about politics in a continually negative way..
    Then i’ll wait to hear what he has to say…
    But I won’t do anymore dates…
    or time together…
    I can’t do friendship with him
    i do want to start Cding
    but not for at least a month or 2- or when it feels good… or even when it doesn’t feel good…

    and YES… it is MY choice to stop seeing him… :-))
    and thank you, lovely Indigo, for the reminder, that I haven’t been alone… “all these years”
    and I have my family and friends – and you amazing Sirens-
    I am NOT ALONE!!!
    I will visualize all these wonderful people in my house… standing all around me…
    giving me big huggs… laughing and signing together!!!
    oxoxoxoxo!!!



  41.  #41Azure Blu on June 7, 2016 at 6:26 am

    Lovely Sirens,
    Thank you for explaining, and showing me that chemistry
    is NOT what i’ts cracked up to be
    That it feels boring sometimes to have someone who you don’t
    always have to be on edge with…
    I know Spirit and I had gotten to feel some of that in the past 7 months
    so I was seeing how that felt and relaxing into it… to relly on each other for the everyday…
    to just hand out and NOT have to be fun
    But the constant edgyness of his pushing of his beliefs
    really did keep away the calmness…
    I do grapple with the need for that chemistry
    I;m sure most of us do…
    but the MORE I LOVE ME…
    the easier it will be to find and love someone less chemistry and MORE CALM!



  42.  #42Grace on June 7, 2016 at 6:51 am

    Azure Blu – I’m totally stealing your visualization! That sounds so wonderful!
    I feel admiration for your courage and bravery, to take care of and love YOU and do what’s best and right for yourself.

    I feel grateful for everything I’ve learned from and will continue to learn from you sharing your experiences so authentically and eloquently. Sweet gentle hugs to you!



  43.  #43Kim on June 7, 2016 at 6:54 am

    Well, Azure….some people operate on the chemistry, high strung, drama kind of level. I know I don’t. Can they be happy? Maybe?
    I know the guy who went back to the ex probably thought me boring, dependable, non drama.
    Now he is back in the relationship where they constantly quarrel, talk over each other and fight, need high outside attention, he is constantly looking up other women (we have common friends), he wants kids and get married, she categorically doesn’t (I think she still is – to someone else).
    And they just moved away together….lol.
    So, maybe it suits them to have constant drama – get together, split up, rinse and repeat.
    Maybe they think this chemistry is what is called ‘love’ and maybe for them it is love.
    I just know, the way he talked about her behind her back…’crazy’, ‘annoying’ etc etc, that I would not want to be her. Not for all the chemistry, money etc in the world.
    He even introduced me to his parents if you remember (she never met his parents LOL..in years)…but he knew I would not partake in this drama filled lifestyle, so in the end I became too boring and he went back to ‘crazy’…because I said ‘enough, make a decision or this won’t work. I do not want to be with someone who lives with his ex’.
    So I don’t know? Maybe for some people this lifestyle means ‘happy’. Happily off balance.
    I think something is wrong when life becomes a string of dramatic events followed by reconciliations…



  44.  #44Tee on June 7, 2016 at 8:07 am

    #43 Kim,

    For years, I associated that type of drama with love & attraction. I have a very long history with E. We’ve made up, broken up, he’s seen other people. I’ve stalked him, etc LOL for years. I’ve known him since I was 18. I just turned 42 this year so you can imagine. Even my decision to put an end to all of that drama wasn’t based on anything real. It was ego-based.
    I was tired of all of the “running around” that I assumed that he was doing with other women. It became my mission to be #1 in his life. I chased off any other woman that I assumed that he was entertaining.

    Now, in hindsight, I kinda wonder if I imagined it all. E is definitely a flirt, loves attention & like I said on a previous post…he naturally CD’s. He finds joy in just kidding around with anyone & everyone no matter where he is or what time it is.
    I’ve seen him joke around with a woman who cut him off in traffic & I’ve also heard him laughing & joking at odd hours of the night with whoever!

    As someone who hasn’t CD’d in years and has decided to make E her own personal oxygen tank…you can only guess how all of this has made me feel 🙁

    I’m slowly climbing out of the rabbit hole. I’ve been expecting E to sustain me, entertain me, build me up. include me, carry me, baby me etc etc basically make me HIS oxygen tank as I’ve done with him. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. And of course, getting my feelings hurt because I’m expecting too much.

    I thought that what I was experiencing in the past was love. I was sadly mistaken. Not saying that I don’t love E.
    He’s a good guy. I just think that I placed too much importance on HIM when he’s just a regular dude from Philly.
    He’s no love guru, there’s nothing inherently magical about him. He’s loud, rough around the edges, abrupt, drinks too much sometimes & can often play too daggone much too!

    But he also loves me, our son, my family. He’s thoughtful, he’s creative, he’s giving, he’s fun, truthful…and so many other things that I was lucky enough to stumble upon. Yes, there are days when I feel that I have made the wrong choice.
    That I would do better with a man that was less…..dynamic? Challenging? But that thought (to me) in itself feels wrong.
    Why would I need someone who shines less just so that I can shine brighter? Feel better?

    We each have our own light. I need to focus on mine more



  45.  #45Azure Blu on June 7, 2016 at 8:59 am

    Grace #42
    I feel good knowing me sharing my feelings and life is helpful!!!
    Huggs…
    You know this visualization of me standing surrounded with all my family and friends and Sirens… is helping a lot!!!



  46.  #46Azure Blu on June 7, 2016 at 9:04 am

    Kim,
    I totally remember the CD and all his drama… so interesting how they continued to play that story… over and over…
    When I was younger that was how I handled all conflict… load… angry… dramatic… always leaving!!!
    I have been working on extracting myself from chaos… little by little… for 20 years…
    having grown up in a VERY unstable environment… chaos was all i knew…
    everything else felt soooo uncomfortable and I felt illequiped to enjoy a calm, stable life.

    Rori’s tools are the next steps to getting closer to that more calm life…
    and I Imagine getting older is helping with that also!!! :-))



  47.  #47Kim on June 7, 2016 at 10:02 am

    That’s so interesting Tee…wow. In my experience being so focused on a guy plus drama has always lead to disaster…but everybody is different, there is the proof.
    I would not be able to deal with a guy like yours, I would have ripped his head off already lol…so he is also lucky to have you in many ways.
    I can honestly say that having close to zero drama (I guess there is always a little bit) and no friction about much, in my life, has made it extremely peaceful and happy – and my insecurities hardly ever get fuelled by anything anymore.
    I wouldn’t trade it for anyone whose light sparkled all the way to Europe and back…if it made me uncomfortable in any way shape or form. I had plenty of that…but you know, it is different when you have a family I believe…
    For me being loved and respected and feeling good about most things in my life sparkles far enough lol



  48.  #48Tee on June 7, 2016 at 10:21 am

    LOL yes Kim….I have given him the business over the years. I guess when you’re young or obsessed…you think that you can change people. Or you focus on the wrong things. My E will always be a little on the “wild” side and that’s been my attraction to him. He’s calmed quite a bit & we’ve both grown.

    Maybe something is wrong with me lmao but I don’t know that I would be suited for a different type of man.
    I think about that a lot. If I had a man that was more “settled”….how would I relate to him?

    I’ve just always been inexplicably drawn to E like my life depended on it. He can be a bit much though.

    Like a Giant Dalmatian. (just looked it up lmao…if E were truly a dog, I swear he would be a dalmatian)

    He is very lucky & I guess that’s part of why he loves me because he can be a bit much that very few can “handle” him. Or trying too hard to handle him. I went through that phase as well. E is definitely not for everyone lol



  49.  #49Leela on June 7, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Dear Rori and other sirens,

    I was just browsing through the Business Siren pages and I am considering the handbook. Or is it only for women in business? I want to be a coach one day but I might be far from it just yet. When it comes to work I can sense that on a deep level I don’t believe I deserve anything good and prosperous. I think I’m going to fail. So I keep choosing rubbish jobs and shying away from anything bigger. I do believe I deserve to feel good in love though, so I attract men that love me but eventually I tend to push them away by pushing myself away from them because I’m not happy professionally. Please help

    You see, unlike most women here my problem isn’t men, it’s my work. I just had to start a job in a factory in order to move to another city with more job opportunities within a month or so, I hate it there. I am ashamed of working there. I am going to try to fall in love with it, as a part of my experience in life, see if I can spot any messages from it.

    The man I’m seeing thinks I already work in sales and I’m traveling to work every day. I always seem to attract great quality men, and the man in my life now is wonderful, I do the tools on him and he’s the best man I’ve ever had. He wants to see me all the time, he wants to talk all the time. I can feel in my heart he’s all mine. He’s energy is constantly flowing to me, I can feel it. It’s amazing.

    I feel guilty about lying. Makes me want to run away from him, He’s a professional. I don’t want him to find out, I will be working in sales soon anyway, so it’s a half lie, still I know it’s so bad and it feels so bad to lie to him when he’s so incredible to me. Shame and guilt has always been a huge issue and I just happen to create more of it for my self. I make big deals out of small issues, I regret lying to him, but if I confess now it will wreck the trust he has in me.

    I want it to be the last lie I tell him, start a new job and start fresh with no lies, but I’m scared. This man is very serious about me, So serious that it scares me. I never had this kind of connection with anyone. He’s the first man I want to let close, let in. I don’t want to screw this up, And more importantly I want to change, I want to feel worthy of better jobs and be a confident business siren. I really want to have it all. I want to believe I can have it all.



  50.  #50Liquid Light on June 7, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    Hi Leela

    There’s one thing I know: The only way that you will get a better job is if you feel you are worthy of it.

    Same goes for men. But it sounds like you’ve had great success there. Maybe try to apply the same confidence and belief in yourself that you have regarding men to the job market?

    Regarding the fib: maybe you can come clean about it with him? Unfortunately the damage has been done and the relationship was based on this lie from the beginning. You can’t go back and change that but we are all human and we all make mistakes. If you tell him about it and explain why it happened (being embarrassed about your job, wanting to make a good impression etc.) and how you got caught up in it and couldn’t see a way out (or however you want to word it), I have a feeling, based on what you’ve shared about how much he adores you, that he will forgive you and it won’t be a big deal. Just my 2 cents.



  51.  #51Grace on June 7, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    EMK has been talking about chemistry a bit lately, and in his latest email he says that we know a man is right for us because there is no anxiety.

    This is from the email I received from EMK today:

    “I know you’re looking for a shortcut that will immediately let you know if a guy is a player, slacker, jerk, or alcoholic.

    With such men…

    You will constantly cry.
    You will constantly fight.
    You will constantly be disappointed.
    You will constantly question yourself.
    You will constantly agonize about where things are going.
    You will constantly obsess how you can love someone so much and be so unhappy.

    But it does beg the question, doesn’t it?

    If you are not consistently happy, why are you in the relationship at all?

    It’s a tough question – and you may not have a ready answer for it.

    Your first reaction may be to protest, but I’m going to challenge you to consider that I’m telling you a cold hard truth that is hard to accept:

    You’ve hung onto the wrong men for your entire adult life.

    In fact, that tenacity is a quality you took pride in – being able to push through, hold on tight and try to work things out with your partner.

    Yet no relationship you’ve ever worked hard at has EVER lasted. Has it?

    Which brings me to one of the biggest epiphanies I had about relationships.

    This is what has allowed me to be a happily married man, and what has helped me facilitate thousands of other happy relationships as well.

    What I’m about to tell you is the #1 thing you need to know to choose a husband.

    The best way to know if a guy is right for you is the absence of anxiety.

    Let that sink in for a moment. “



  52.  #52Rori Raye on June 7, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    Thank you all…How lovely you write…really beautiful…Love, Rori



  53.  #53Millie on June 7, 2016 at 11:31 pm

    (((Azure)) So sorry to hear about you and Spirit… I so admire the journey and transformation you experienced with him, and whatever happens I feel such a glow and warm feeling from what unearthed in your relationship.

    I want to run away and travel…escape to the florida keys, live on the beach, listen to the hum of the bugs. I want to see the country, go to crappy western dive bars and sip whisky, listen to old tunes… drive through miles of cornfields, I want to go fishing in alaska, see the orcas migrate in puget sound… I don’t want to work. I know that’s childish of me. I wouldn’t mind working if I didn’t feel scrutinized, or if I didn’t feel pushed to this limit that feels pointless. It’s never good enough, fast enough, not at the right time…. I feel so detached from it. I guess everyone feels that way about work at times though.

    I think the reason I haven’t attracted love is because my life doesn’t really feel fun.



  54.  #54Nili on June 8, 2016 at 1:13 am

    Dear Rori,

    I dont know how the manage the withdraws you are making every month from my bank account. Please stop to charge cost my amex account. I wrote you already via email. But I didnt get any response, for that I am polite asking you to stop it. You are charging every month for 17.97 -€ cost!
    I bought one book from you and i paid it this already five months ago.
    Sorry for the unconvience, but I didnt know
    how to get help.
    Thank you very much.



  55.  #55Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 3:21 am

    Grace #51
    This is sooo good to read what EMK’s take on chemistry is…
    Thank you for sharing!!



  56.  #56Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 3:25 am

    Millie #53
    Thank you for your warm thoughts… they feel like a soft summer breeze in the early evening…
    This feels so good to remember today :” … whatever happens I feel such a glow and warm feeling from what unearthed in your relationship.”

    Wow… i love what you wrote about an amazing summer journey into the heart of America!!! I want to do that too!!! :-))



  57.  #57Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 3:44 am

    Rori,
    This is just a suggestion but…
    when I was going through a VERY difficult 6 months 3 years ago
    and thought I might loose my mind
    and had no money for therapy
    The Archives of all of your posts from 2008 to present
    are what saved my life…
    I would literally sit and read them, sometimes for 6 hours straight…
    to try and understand how to rebuild my life after loosing a job
    I’d never been fired from a job… I was broke… and i spiraled into deep depression.
    Your Archives – were a God send and were the life line that helped
    me to crawl out of my dark hole into the light once more…
    I still love to read through them… BUT
    alas, they are not there…
    Hopping maybe they could be restored
    for all the newcomers who want to learn about you and your Magical tools
    and for all of us who still love to learn and process more
    while going on our journey to HappyEverAfter.
    Thank you!!!



  58.  #58January Jones on June 8, 2016 at 5:26 am

    Hi ladies,

    I have been reading this blog for years. I have posted a couple years passed.
    I just feel the need to talk to people that will not judge me or my situation but will rather help me out :).

    I am married and last night I felt very triggered by my hubby. I guess I did what I usually would do when I am triggered which is to pull away. My hubby was on FB last night and has been on very often for the past couple of weeks. He has been chatting. I just do not know with whom. At times, t can be family members that are overseas, but I highly doubt that he is always chatting with family. He has been changing the screen when I come around which makes me feel worried. He even told me last night to go to bed bc it was late and I had to work. I don’t like feeling suspicious and jealous.
    I said some sort of comment to the effect of I don’t feel like sleeping but you can continue chatting with whomever it is. He stopped and didn’t say anything. Then he did what I felt was overcompensating. He started saying oh this guy from the gym… he is asking me why I am not there anymore … They bother me I think I’m going to close my account.

    We talked for a bit about little nothings and then I went to the room. My hubby came to tease me but as usual I was so angry that I did not react. I remained stone faced.
    Later, when I was half asleep I told him I felt like being alone and don’t want to talk. He asked what he did wrong and I said nothing.
    This feminine way of being does not come naturally to me… I get all confused about what it is I am supposed to do. Life has made me a tough cookie, which I don’t like at all.
    Please help guide me through this with your suggestions and comments.

    Thanks



  59.  #59Zara on June 8, 2016 at 6:19 am

    Azure Blue 56, thanks for this, I was hesitating as to bother Rori with this or not.

    Rori,

    I miss the ability to search articles by the month and year they were written.

    I remember where I was geographically and emotionally at the time I read an article or a comment and that is how my memory links the article or comment to the year it was written and sometimes even to the month too. So it was very handy for me to search through the column there used to be on the right side of the page, the column made of links to all articles, month after month, from 2008 up to now. I don’t see that column anymore and I feel at lost as to how to search something I remember reading. I feel like my own personal library has disappeared.

    I did try the new search bar, at the top right of the page (thank you for this new tool). Yet when I type in the search bar “march 2013” (for exemple), all that comes up is one single article written in 2015. And if I type in “2013” alone, what comes up is everything and anything that contains the numbers 2 0 1 3 or similar.

    Can we have the chronological column back, please, as that is how my memory works? I can never remember the category you chose to put an article in.

    xxx



  60.  #60Grace on June 8, 2016 at 6:59 am

    Azure Blu – EMK has been talking not just about chemistry, but talking a lot lately about the men we choose, which is really clicking for me.
    I also recently heard and Abraham-Hicks recording, where she says we tend to think as long as we have a tangible body in front of us, we can “work it out”. So we pick someone we can argue with (ha), and set to working it out.
    Which really really resonates with me, I laughed out loud when I recognized what I had been doing!

    I have a new CD, who is showing me just how easy it can really be. He’s consistently showing interest in me as a person, consistently checking in. When my house was flooding a several weeks ago, he was the first person checking on me and offering help – at the time I felt very surprised because he wasn’t even on my radar. Our values are similar and it can feel kind of boring sometimes because we chit-chat about mundane stuff and he isn’t always trying to get in my pants but at the same time there is no doubt of the sexual attraction and I feel quiet and calm with him

    I don’t feel this will be more than a cherished friendship with him in the long-term for certain reasons, and at the same time, it feels so relaxing and affirming that such a good man is showing up for me and giving me this solid place to feel my feet under me and grow my confidence again.



  61.  #61Femininewoman on June 8, 2016 at 7:07 am

    Leela it is my belief that our energy is not compartmentalized so that our internal vibe in one area of our lives leaks into others. From what both you and Rori have shared I believe her “Having It All” business siren training is likely to benefit you.

    I’d also like to say that my sense from what you have written is that you are very aware of your patterns and that alone is the greatest thing you will need to help lift yourself away from them. I believe Rori’s tools about changing drawers might help program in your psyche the benefit of shaking things up and changing around stuff related to your patterns.

    How long have you been seeing this man? What you have written suggests to me that it is a new situation and might not actually be a real relationship yet. Would you mind sharing details about it? If he is a new man the issue might really be nothing as people do take time to get to know each other. There really is no need for him to know nitty gritty details about your life.



  62.  #62Femininewoman on June 8, 2016 at 7:19 am

    Azure – I don’t believe he has disappeared. Whereever he is, he is plotting his next move. What he has shared is that this is his worldview and the way he has been maybe for decades. It is his comfort zone and way of feeling powerful. Nobody walks away from the familiar or their comfort zone overnight. It takes going and back and forth. Shifting and shaking. Something has to click for him internally from him to make a complete change. I’d say practice letting go. Script what you will say when he comes around. Visualize how you will be. Thing is I believe if he really really wants the relationship he might be frightened of losing you and starting over again. But he also doesn’t want to lose himself to being you and holding your beliefs. It might be just his tough guy act that makes him feel masculine. I just believe all you need to do is keep repeating softly that you don’t want to be having these discussions with your loved one and that you will always choose to walk away when they come up as it is too draining on your energy and the energy of the relationship.



  63.  #63Tee on June 8, 2016 at 7:26 am

    #60 FW,

    Those were really encouraging, inspiring words that you have for AZ…I enjoyed them & I believe that she will too!
    It IS hard to walk away from the familiar and such a cozy comfort zone. My E also has a tough exterior.
    He use to disappear as well. I believe(d) that his disappearing was really about bringing things back to Status Quo because as we know…sometimes they just don’t handle change too well. Hopefully things will work out 🙂



  64.  #64Indigo on June 8, 2016 at 7:27 am

    Feminine Woman 60,

    I don’t know. I can’t say I feel in agreement with you there. I know it is the tendency on this blog to keep encouraging us to practice with the same man, but that is not something I agree with.

    There are relationships which are possible in this world which do not have this kind of tension and strife. There are men out there who share Azure Blu’s world view or who at least will be respectful of it. Why should she deny herself of having this kind of peaceful, joyful relationship?

    I believe more than ever, from my own experience which confirms this, that there is no need to put up with a relationship which makes us unhappy. More loving and more beautiful relationships that exceed even our wildest dreams DO exist. If a man wants to hammer on about his religion and political beliefs well then he needs a woman who doesn’t mind that, not someone who is going to have to grit her teeth and walk away from it constantly.



  65.  #65Femininewoman on June 8, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Emm indigo maybe I misunderstood. I didn’t understand there was tension and strife. I also don’t see where I suggested keep practicing or staying in the relationship.



  66.  #66Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 9:42 am

    FW #60
    Thank you so much for sharing your soft, thoughtful words and insight into my delema.
    You are right… Spirit text me yesterday… My son also said He must be frightened of loosing you, Mom.
    My son said I had probably been pulling away
    before our argument and Spirit was feeling this and it scared him…

    BUT… I still want to let him go… in a loving and kind way…

    When he textd me –I said “I would love it if we could talk. What are your thoughts.”
    He said “I would like that too.’
    He texted about the baseball game last night…
    He came by this morning to pick up a jacket… (it got really cold today)
    and he said “I want to talk.” and I agreed – I am working and he went to a golf tournament..
    I believe we can let go in a loving way… it’s not going to feel much better… because I will MISS HIM…
    I LOVE having him around everyday,
    day to day…
    But he needs the freedom to express his beliefs – and not, as Indigo put it, have me gritting my teeth as i walk away.
    this is from a love letter I found somewhere on line…
    “I don’t want to have to dull myself down
    or change who I am for you to love me.
    And I don’t want you to dull yourself down
    or change who you are for me to love you.
    What a deliciously radical notion it is.
    It’s love—based on the nakedness of heart-steeped authenticity. 
    It’s love—without the holding back bullsh*t
    and polite tip-toeing agony.
    It’s love—pure, plain and simple.
    It’s thousands of miles ocean deeper and I’ve experienced it once in my life— and it was Magical!!!”



  67.  #67Indigo on June 8, 2016 at 9:50 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I suppose none of us really know what the relationship is like except Azure Blu, but I got the sense that she was deeply unhappy with this issue and that they had had more than blowout over it.

    Well, to my mind continuing to verbalise to a man about the same issue again and again, continuing to engage with it IS staying in some kind of relationship with him, otherwise why would you bother?



  68.  #68Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 9:57 am

    Grace…
    Mmmmm… love the relaxed calm feeling of the New CD!!!
    Sounds like a great place to practice… feeling persued by an available man
    who knows how to be thoughtful
    without an agenda!!!



  69.  #69Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 10:06 am

    Indigo…
    Yes, I feel unhappy when I think about continueing my relationship with Spirit…
    Example…
    because of Spirits religious beliefs saying “Good Luck” is spiritually WRONG!
    He is playing golf in a tournament today…
    He text me a few minuets ago… “Pray for good fortune.”
    He believes “Good Luck” is evil…
    I text him back “Ping those balls, Spirit!” :-))
    this feels soooooo boring to me to care about S*it like that!!!
    It permiates His Whole life… this is one small example
    and that is Perfectly Good and ok for **HIM***
    But does Not fit into my HappyEverAfter…



  70.  #70Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Indig #62 & 65
    Yes, I feel unhappy when I think about continueing my relationship with Spirit…
    Example…
    because of Spirits religious beliefs saying “Good Luck” is spiritually WRONG!
    He is playing golf in a tournament today…
    He text me a few minuets ago… “Pray for good fortune.”
    He believes “Good Luck” is evil…
    I text him back “Ping those balls, Spirit!” :-))
    this feels soooooo boring to me to care about stuff like that!!!
    It permiates His Whole life… this is one small example
    and that is Perfectly Good and ok for **HIM***
    But does Not fit into my HappyEverAfter…



  71.  #71Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 10:11 am

    Indigo #62 & 65
    I tried to answer your posts several times but it goes into moderation…
    it was about Spirit texting me today on the golf course…
    saying “Pray for my good fortune”
    because he believes saying “good luck” is wrong religiously…
    I don’t want to care about things like that…
    It is perfectly fine that he does…
    But NOT for me.



  72.  #72Lise on June 8, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Hi Rori.

    I’ve been searching the blog for any posts about affairs. My fiancé announced to me 2 months ago that he had been having a one month affair and that we should break up because he had developed feelings for this person. We have been in a long distance relationship since last september when he moved to another state for graduate school. We have been seeing each other quite a bit even with the long distance, usually twice and month and speak everyday. The plan was for me to move out there and join him in June for his second year. We bought a house and we were just about to start renovations on it when he told me. It was a double whammy for me because it was not just an affair but a very sudden breakup of a 10 year relationship and our future. Of course I was heart broken and shocked but I did not fight the breakup as I would have done in the past. He crossed a line and in the past I would have asked him not to break up, but in this case and with this level of betrayal, I told him to go ahead and go. He is currently in the other state and has recently shown remorse and apologized to me, but has made no declarations about changing his behavior and I don’t know what’s going on even with the other woman. Since the school has ended for the year and he said he’s had some time to think about what he’s done and it’s been sinking in. I never in a million years would have suspected this man of any of this behavior. Anyway, because I do believe he will come back at some point, my question is if you have ever witnessed relationships recovering from affairs that have truly thrived and been healthy in the aftermath of an affair. I really don’t see examples of it and it seems a woman would always have to stay small with a man who at one point had betrayed her. She would always have to live referent to – would he do this again and shrink herself out of fear that he would leave again. In a way she would have to betray herself in order to be with him. Also, he would never be able to respect her again because she allowed the person who abused her to come back. I know of couples who stay together after an affair, but I don’t personally know of any healthy ones. This has been such a low blow and the way he has handled it has been just as bad. I am feeling pretty hopeless about the situation and yet honestly my love for this person hasn’t been extinguished. I have always looked up to him as a great guy and this behavior, as extreme and immature as it is, does seem to be an anomaly. We have always had great compatibility and chemistry and are close friends. But at the end of the day, what I WANT is a healthy partnership of equals above all else. I wouldn’t want to consider having him back without knowing if a healthy partnership is even possible at this point and what it would take. I’m curious if you have dealt with this before and what feedback you would give. I want to believe nothing is irreparable, but in this case I am not so sure.
    Thank you!
    Lise



  73.  #73January Jones on June 8, 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Hi I posted earlier this morning but I guess my message did not go through moderation.

    I am feeling triggered tonight and have been for a while. My hubby is going through a tough time. The passed 3 weeks he just does not seem himself. He is completely withdrawing. I have no idea what to do.
    He knows I feel lonely but mentions that I do not feel all the pressure he feels at this moment which puts him in a bad mood.
    I understand but it is so hard not to be kissed and held and teased. Too hard ! I feel so sad.
    I want to cry and breakdown. When I do he says Im adding to the pressure he is going through.
    I need advice ladies… What can I do.



  74.  #74January Jones on June 8, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    My inner voice is telling me to freak … And i guess find other reasons then the ones stated by him. Am i tryibg to sabotage myself. I am so scared.
    He says he wants me to act more feminine but i find it hard to do.



  75.  #75Millie on June 8, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    I feel lonely tonight. I worked a 12 hour day and as I got in my car to drive home, I thought how wonderful would it be after a stressful day of being in masculine energy…I could go home and fall in the arms of a tender and s*xy man, who would be excited to see me, couldn’t wait to make love to me, eat dinner with me, make me smile, and I would feel like my life outside of work was rich. I started getting teary eyed thinking about this and thoughts of M came up. The things I loved about that time…will I ever feel/experience that again? But also the bad feelings and how heartbreaking the experience was. It makes me sad to think about because I feel like a low-value woman when no men are interested in me. How he treated me made me feel like he sees me as a low-value woman. How every man sees me…A high value woman naturally attracts men easily and they want to take care of her, make her happy. I want to be high value, but I feel like I’m too serious and it seems harder and harder to meet people these days. Sometimes I do feel angry with the universe because this “lack” that I feel in my life can’t be what is intended for me. The universe is very generous with work. I am fortunate to have great jobs and be financially stable as an independent woman.

    An old cd, that I am fond of has been chatting again, but it is few and far between and he doesn’t seem to be moving things forward. I’m ok with going slow, in fact I prefer it… so maybe being friends for now is ok. I got a text out of the blue from some guy I never met, who didn’t remember my name or what I looked like, but said he wanted to hook-up. I was so turned off I blocked his number. Needless to say I don’t remember him either. I feel like a thirsty person only getting offered a glass of salt water.

    I’m sorry I’m not a positive person when I post, I guess it’s my outlet when I’m feeling down and speaking from that masculine passive voice I so detest. That whinny, bratty, entitled part of myself that I hate. That voice that feels resentful and ugly.

    I feel scared to do online dating again. I feel scared to date at all.
    And yet I miss being touched, held, asked questions.

    Was my energy so awful as to turn M to feel 180 about me? Someone who ignores someone for 8 months… must hate her…

    I don’t know…I need to stop thinking about him and IT. He’s moved on now anyway. I should be too. My energy is bad though… I’m sure it is a turnoff, my block. My big masculine passive block.

    I don’t know….ugh



  76.  #76Indigo on June 9, 2016 at 3:46 am

    Millie,

    I feel like you are using the concept of the high value woman to beat yourself up, which is unfortunate.

    “A high value woman naturally attracts men easily and they want to take care of her, make her happy.”

    Even a high value woman cannot make a man into something he is not, nor can she make a relationship work which is not meant to be. Your posts suggest a “me” and “them” mentality where there is this mythical group of women who have any man they wish falling at their feet and dancing to their tune, and of course I sympathise with this because it’s how I used to think, until I realised that it’s a complete lie. In fact all your posts suggest a very mythical, fantastical way of seeing the world, which makes me wonder are you a very imaginative person? If so, I can relate.

    I would really encourage you to see the world as it really is though, when it comes to relationships, at least. M is not ignoring you. YOU BROKE UP. You contacted him and then he offered casual sex and you said no thanks, and then he disappeared. What more is there to say? You are turning it into some big statement about your worth when it is nothing to do with that.

    Evan Marc Katz had to date 300 women before he met the woman who is now his wife with whom he is blissfully happy. Rori’s coach Leigha Lake dated I believe 50 odd men before she met her now husband. None of those other people worked out. So freaking what??!?

    I had to date close to 30 or 40 men before I met the gorgeous, wonderful man I am with now who makes me feel like I hung the moon and every star in the sky. Shall I say no, he is wrong to see so much value in me and so much to love about me simply because it didn’t work out with me and all those other guys? Am I to say I am low value because I couldn’t “make” all those other guys stay? I am SO glad they didn’t stay I cannot even begin to tell you.

    You ARE high value, you ARE loveable, in fact you ARE LOVE. All you have to do is believe it.



  77.  #77IamHis on June 9, 2016 at 5:04 am

    Loving Rori’s Business Siren Handbook. Really resonating with me right now.

    “Am I using Love as my currency? Love of what I’m doing, of who I love, of what I love, or am I using the currency of fear, survival, necessity, urgency, my to-do list, and “this one’s next?”

    <3



  78.  #78Femininewoman on June 9, 2016 at 6:45 am

    Millie I’d love to know what or who you consider as a high value woman. One popular person after another came to mind. Princess Diana, Halle Berry and every one I could think of had issues with men who didn’t treat them well.

    I got the sense from your post that you were suggesting that a man gets to decide your value. I am hoping I am wrong because just because a man is not present why would you allow your inner voice to convince you that your value is low. Sounds to me like you should be standing in front of the mirror and talking to that person inside you. That person who seems to need external validation from men.



  79.  #79ruth on June 9, 2016 at 6:57 am

    Indigo, FW
    What you say hits the nail on the head!!

    Absolutely correct….but….HOW does one believe those things about oneself, or more specifically, How do I?



  80.  #80Femininewoman on June 9, 2016 at 8:00 am

    Ruth I stand in front of the mirror and talk to myself. I also listen to recorded meditation messages over and over again. The mirror works wonders. I have had my daughter do it. Now she tells her friends to do the same because of the effect it has had on her. I was shocked the other day when she shared what she was advising a friend who was telling her was having low self esteem issues.



  81.  #81Femininewoman on June 9, 2016 at 8:02 am

    It just seems the more you practice is the more your brain becomes rewired so you believe the messages you are feeding yourself.



  82.  #82Daria on June 9, 2016 at 9:18 am

    ((((((Zara))))))



  83.  #83Daria on June 9, 2016 at 9:18 am

    ((((((Azure Blu))))))



  84.  #84Daria on June 9, 2016 at 9:41 am

    IamHis – how can I purchase Rori’s Business Siren Handbook? or is it only available as part of a program



  85.  #85Daria on June 9, 2016 at 9:45 am

    (((((((Millie)))))))



  86.  #86Daria on June 9, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Millie ; “I don’t want to work. I know that’s childish of me. I wouldn’t mind working if I didn’t feel scrutinized, or if I didn’t feel pushed to this limit that feels pointless. It’s never good enough, fast enough, not at the right time…. I feel so detached from it. I guess everyone feels that way about work at times though.

    I think the reason I haven’t attracted love is because my life doesn’t really feel fun.”

    That is not childish! (whatever that means in a non-judgmental world)

    Maybe you could consider Rori’s Business Siren – have it all program? It sounds geared for you in your situation. Or maybe just read the newsletters and pages related to it… it always inspires me



  87.  #87Azure Blu on June 9, 2016 at 10:08 am

    (((((Millie))))
    Ahhh… lovely, lovely Siren,
    It sounds like you are in the soup… playing around in the confusion end of the pool….
    I love the visualization you are working on about what your Mr. Right will look like,
    feel like, talk like act like… visualizing the Yummie evenings you will spend together with a warm, kind adoring man…
    I have found VISUALIZATIONS to be SOOOO profound and Magical…
    I have shared here how I did visualizations, even before I had broken up with my old BF, of 3 years ago… (a VERY toxic man)
    in the vizualization….old BF would come to the door and
    my Mr. Right would answer the door… we would be cooking together, laughing, hugging, singing… and I would introduce them… old BF would ask to talk outside…
    Want to get back with me… and I would tell him
    – “I don’t have feelings for you anymore. I am very happy with new BF and we are living together and planning a wedding in June.!!”
    and guess what… That happened!!!
    I was finally able to let go of old BF, able to tell him NO MORE when he did contact me!
    My next BF- Spirit has wanted to live together and get married!! (But now I’m letting him go also))
    I believe in visualizing what I want in a man and how my life will look when he is here…
    and doing it often… I think it was Helena Hart that taught me this.
    I have a new Vizualizing for the next Wonderful man in my life and How that will feel and look.
    Go for it Millie… you’ve got this.



  88.  #88Daria on June 9, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Rori – Just making sure you saw these…

    “Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 3:44 am
    Rori,
    This is just a suggestion but…
    when I was going through a VERY difficult 6 months 3 years ago
    and thought I might loose my mind
    and had no money for therapy
    The Archives of all of your posts from 2008 to present
    are what saved my life…
    I would literally sit and read them, sometimes for 6 hours straight…
    to try and understand how to rebuild my life after loosing a job
    I’d never been fired from a job… I was broke… and i spiraled into deep depression.
    Your Archives – were a God send and were the life line that helped
    me to crawl out of my dark hole into the light once more…
    I still love to read through them… BUT
    alas, they are not there…
    Hopping maybe they could be restored
    for all the newcomers who want to learn about you and your Magical tools
    and for all of us who still love to learn and process more
    while going on our journey to HappyEverAfter.
    Thank you!!!

    #57Zara on June 8, 2016 at 6:19 am
    Azure Blue 56, thanks for this, I was hesitating as to bother Rori with this or not.

    Rori,

    I miss the ability to search articles by the month and year they were written.

    I remember where I was geographically and emotionally at the time I read an article or a comment and that is how my memory links the article or comment to the year it was written and sometimes even to the month too. So it was very handy for me to search through the column there used to be on the right side of the page, the column made of links to all articles, month after month, from 2008 up to now. I don’t see that column anymore and I feel at lost as to how to search something I remember reading. I feel like my own personal library has disappeared.

    I did try the new search bar, at the top right of the page (thank you for this new tool). Yet when I type in the search bar “march 2013” (for exemple), all that comes up is one single article written in 2015. And if I type in “2013” alone, what comes up is everything and anything that contains the numbers 2 0 1 3 or similar.

    Can we have the chronological column back, please, as that is how my memory works? I can never remember the category you chose to put an article in.

    xxx”

    fuck



  89.  #89Azure Blu on June 9, 2016 at 10:22 am

    FW
    YES #75 & 76!!!
    I love that you taught this to your daughter and she found it sooo wonderful and helped her so quickly
    I have used the “loving ME in the mirror” tool for several years now…
    It WORK!!!



  90.  #90Liquid Light on June 9, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Millie

    I know I keep singing the same tune…

    Your post made me realize that the feeling is very similar to previous posts of yours…

    I agree with others here, too, the key is to love yourself.

    Nothing is fundamentally going to change until you learn to believe in yourself…

    Again I would encourage you to look at The Work. The beauty of it is that it helps to rewire your negative thought process. I mentioned this before in a previous post, there are facilitators that are available 24/7 to help you. I’ve tried it, and the facilitator was amazing!

    http://www.instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list

    Big hug, girl!!

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Millie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  91.  #91Liquid Light on June 9, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Indigo 69 – Love what you posted here!!! 🙂



  92.  #92Tee on June 9, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    Awww Azure, I feel like if you can’t make it with Spirit then there’s no hope for the rest of us LOL

    I’m way too invested 😛



  93.  #93Indigo on June 9, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Ruth 75,

    I think it’s, as Feminine Woman said, rewiring the brain, which takes time. De-programming all the negative voices and thinking.

    I think it helps to realise that our original state is pure love, beauty and goodness, so it’s not so much changing or creating something new as it is returning to our natural state of being. It’s not so much giving your brain something new to believe as it is REMEMBERING that you are love. And so are all the people around you. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that all these superficial things matter, and we use them as a reason not to love ourselves and others. But love is actually easy and effortless. Self-love is easy and effortless.



  94.  #94Millie on June 9, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    Lise #70– I just read your post and want to say that I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You sound very level-headed though and I admire your grace and dignity in how you are choosing to handle it so far. Big hugs to you!

    Indigo #72–Thank you for your comment back to me. YES! I am a highly imaginative person, which is a plus since I am in a creative field (I believe you are too right?!). I do rely heavily on my imagination and create fantasies about reality in my head. My reality is not satisfying, therefore I live in my head a lot and live in “what I want” a lot. I thrive on creating worlds for myself and also being in “romantic” places with a lot of nostalgia. This is why I love to travel and also have a penchant for making my surroundings beautiful. I would agree with you… that I am using the idea of “high value” to beat myself up. I’m not saying I have control over men, but I am saying that I want the ability to INSPIRE them. I read often here how what happens in real life is often a reflection of ourselves and what is going on inside us…so knowing that and seeing what is and isn’t showing up in my life does leave me feeling sad and leads to those voices coming up. When I brought up M ignoring me, I was talking about last year when I had been reaching out and he told me he received the texts and ignored them. I was imagining how it would feel to ignore someone to that extent, someone that you had felt love for… I can’t imagine being in his shoes. It takes a lot for me to ignore someone. Yeah, NOW I would not say he’s ignoring me because there is nothing to ignore. I am not reaching out. I have disappeared for him as much as he has for me. It is equal. I’m turning it into something about my worth because I don’t think a high value woman would have undergone an experience of being treated like that by a man. I have met and dated/gone out with a lot of men as well. I’m not saying I haven’t. I’m so glad you have met someone who makes you feel so amazing! Yay to you!!! 🙂

    Femininewoman #74– I have a coworker who I perceive to be a high value woman. She has a very casual attitude and doesn’t seem to care what other people think of her at all. She doesn’t work very hard and it doesn’t bother her. Everyone loves her humor and personality. She did not become exclusive with her husband until he was her fiancé first. Apparently this guy knew and even saw her with other men. At one point, he broke up with her over it and her attitude around the whole thing was amazing. She said she was going to do what she wanted and eventually he came back and now they are married. I can’t imagine any man not wanting to be with her as she is so full of light and funny! She also told her husband, when they were dating, that if he joined the army she would leave him because that isn’t the life she wanted. So he didn’t join the army. I mean, that just sounds amazing to me! And I’m sure it is because deep down she knows other men would want her, would be able to give her the life she wants, she lives to have fun and I can’t picture her even pining for a minute about someone not wanting her. Maybe that’s me idolizing and putting her on a pedestal, but her story is pretty amazing. She feels high value to me. I think I seek validation in my environment. I feel good at my job when my boss tells me “Good Job!” I feel like a good cook when people enjoy the food I have made. So, yes, I guess I do get validation from others vs. doing work and having no response from your boss. Or cooking a meal and no one says a word. I think it is nearly impossible to not gauge yourself based on feedback from your environment. Well, impossible for me. I don’t want to live in a bubble where my opinion is the one that matters.

    Daria #82 Thank you! YEs! I will definitely look into the business siren posts! I haven’t yet, but I feel curious now!

    Azure #83– Yes, I love visualization i.e pretending. I pretend a lot! haha. Although I try not to cry when I really feel what I want and also feel it not there. I have been listening to a meditation at night about attracting love into your life and one of the lines says that love is right outside your door, all you need to do is open the door! That feels pretty good to hear/read/think about. It’s amazing how Spirit turned around and now you are able to let him go. Kind of like you’ve graduated I guess. You are such an inspiration Azure! Although I’m sad your relationship must be over.

    Liquid Light– Yeah I can’t seem to change my tune. I have realizations and I KNOW how I perceive things is wrong and not serving me, but I can’t help it, I can’t control it. I don’t know what I would say to the facilitator….I don’t know how to start. I’ve done the worksheets, but usually that’s around a situation. Not sure how I would approach an in general one.



  95.  #95Indigo on June 9, 2016 at 11:38 pm

    Millie,

    Yes, inspiring a man is all very well and wonderful… but I don’t believe it’s something you do, it’s something you ARE. You feel admiration and idolisation for your co-worker not because she’s intrinsically more “high value” than you, but because she deep down feels and knows her own worth, and you want this for yourself.

    I deeply, deeply believe that when we admire others it is not because they are more special than we are… it is pointing to something in ourselves that we ALREADY have but which is underdeveloped.

    Last year, when M was ignoring your texts…. Just because someone doesn’t respond does not automatically follow that they hate you. Not at all in fact. Not responding is actually an extremely powerful behaviour, and if you have difficulty doing it you might want to ask yourself why.



  96.  #96Indigo on June 9, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    Thank you, Liquid Light 87, that made me feel blushy and smiley 🙂



  97.  #97Millie on June 10, 2016 at 12:15 am

    Indigo– I don’t like ignoring people because I know how painful it feels to be ignored. I think it is cowardly not to have the courage to state your truth to someone in response. It is choosing not to engage, to put a wall up between someone and yourself. I think that is appropriate depending on the situation, but in this situation and in other dating situations I have been in, I believe it to be a hurtful way to handle situations. I don’t want to hurt anyone unnecessarily and to me honesty is less painful than silence and more respectful. So, no… I don’t want anyone to go through what I did..so I don’t ignore people. Just like when I was 17 and my first boyfriend called me a b*tch behind my back and I felt so hurt by it, from then on don’t name call anyone. Yeah I agree, my coworker has something I want. I am trying to free my light, and let it shine…

    I just read this pretty good newsletter from Renee Wade. She was giving advice to a woman who was complaining about how early on men she dates make excuses. Renee pointed out that whining and expected men to give relationship up front is not productive to building attraction and connection. I can 100% see and understand the mistakes I made with M and pretty much every man before and since. I’m glad I know the mistakes I made and can see how my behavior pushes people away. This also makes me feel misunderstood…like I wasn’t really myself. Obviously I wish I could go back and change things or have a second chance. On the same token, it also makes me feel like I don’t want to engage with men. On a deep level, I feel scared. I feel scared of repeating my same mistakes. I feel a bit paralyzed. I guess that is my masculine passive wanting to shut down because it is trying to protect me. It would be kind of nice if I could wipe my slate clean, truly. Kind of like paying off your credit card and starting clean. Maybe that’s what this year is about for me. A clean slate. In a lot of ways I do feel different than I used to, even if my voice sounds the same.

    How about some non-guy positive stuff?! I guess I’m in the mood to write and share tonight. I have a lot on my plate at work and today my boss was really pleased with a project I did. I made him look good and overall executed it really well. Yay! I like having a lot on my plate actually because it feels good to be in control and know what you need to do to get done. I bought a cute watering can for my plants today! It’s so adorable! I love getting new things for my place and taking care of my plants. Each time I get a new one I like to challenge myself to keep it healthy. (Too many have died unfortunately) Working on my green thumb!



  98.  #98Indigo on June 10, 2016 at 1:16 am

    Millie,

    Oh I totally agree with you. Depending on the situation it can be a very hurtful and inappropriate way to handle it. However it also sends a very clear message.



  99.  #99ruth on June 10, 2016 at 1:59 am

    Thank you ladies
    Right now Im going to have a hard time looking in the mirror.I have a nasty skin condition which wont get better
    Still, I guess thats the point isnt it



  100.  #100January Jones on June 10, 2016 at 5:06 am

    Hello all,

    I feel like pouring my heart out this morning.
    I feel hurt and so sad that I am crying.
    I don’t know what to do anymore.
    I have been married for 2 years and it is getting harder and harder.
    I am having trust issues. But I am also having issues with how my hubby has been speaking to me. We would speak like this jokingly but it has gone to far now and I dont like it. I have told him but he is not hearing me.
    I see that when I tell him how I feel with feeling messages he softens up a bit. But lately he has been so harsh with me and he will simply turn it back on to me and state that I taught him how to be this way. I find there is such lack of respect among us.
    I feel hate.
    I feel sick.
    I feel tears running down my cheeks.
    I feel like I don’t know what to do.

    Do nothing and take care of only myself. It is pretty hard when you are living with someone and are married to them.

    Any advice… please comment.



  101.  #101January Jones on June 10, 2016 at 5:08 am

    By the way we went out last night. We had a great time and came back laughing and all. But this morning he starts yelling at me because my alarm clock went off too many times. That it is not me and to stop and sh ut up.



  102.  #102IamHis on June 10, 2016 at 5:32 am

    Daria – just go to businesssiren.com, and you’ll find everything you need. Xoxo



  103.  #103Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 5:50 am

    ((((January))))
    Welcome darling Siren!
    I feel angry reading about your situation!
    Have you purchased Rori’s ebook “Have the Relationship You Want”?
    It teaches you Rori’s tools and steps to
    Fix and prevent relationship problems
    Raise your self-esteem among other things…
    I highly recommend it… it’s available on her home page.
    Rori talks about simply getting up and walking away from where he is
    when he is treating you this way… either into another room
    or out of the house completely.
    It sounds like you have already asked him many times to stop…
    For me when things get like this… I just stop talking…
    Get up
    and leave the house.
    This to me sounds like abuse….
    NO ONE deserves to be treated like this…
    Also there are many wonderful coaches you can contact for one on one help.
    Huggs darling we are here for you!!!



  104.  #104Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 6:43 am

    January,,,,
    Rori Raye Coaches… here are a few – They all offer first time free coaching session
    These are all great coaches!
    Helena Hart —-http://helenahartcoaching.com/contact-me/
    Heather Allison —- http://www.heather-allison.com
    Michelle Manley — http://michellemanleycoaching.com/new-home-page/coaching/strategy-session/



  105.  #105Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 7:08 am

    January,,,,
    Rori Raye Coaches… here are a few – They all offer first time free coaching session
    These are all great coaches!
    Helena Hart —-http://helenahartcoaching.com/contact-me/



  106.  #106Grace on June 10, 2016 at 7:08 am

    January – what Azure said! As scary as it can feel, it also feels incredibly empowering to take a stand for ourselves and refuse to tolerate abuse.



  107.  #107Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 7:08 am

    January
    Here’s another one
    Heather Allison —- http://www.heather-allison.com



  108.  #108Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 7:09 am

    January
    here is another one
    Michelle Manley — http://michellemanleycoaching.com/new-home-page/coaching/strategy-session/
    They all offer first time free coaching session



  109.  #109Grace on June 10, 2016 at 7:24 am

    I feel reminded of when I would walk away from my ex when he would raise his voice to me and berate me and get on about something…a big thing he would love to rant about is how awful I was being to him if I was sitting around in a robe and showing a breast or a flash of The Puss. OMG instead of feeling turned on and getting closer and loving up on me, he would get PIST and take a victim position that I was doing something terrible to him because how dare I be sexy in front of him but somehow withholding at the same time?
    So. F*cking. Stupid. Because if he had come loved up on me and been affectionate in between when he wanted sex, he would have gotten SO MUCH MORE. Sh!t, if he had even been affectionate when he wanted sex!!

    Haha, OMG I feel so hateful right now, and it feels good to feel in touch with that hatefulness.
    F*ck f*ck f*ck f*cked up men with f*cked up minds. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!

    I did walk away from him, many times. And always felt scared or manipulated into coming back because I BELIEVED IT WAS MY FAULT and that if I only_____ then everything would be ok.

    He often followed me out of the room, one time even followed me out of the house yelling at me all the way down the sidewalk and to my car, then sat on my car as I tried to drive away. He fell off the hood of the car, onto the street, knocked himself unconscious and I looked back to see him lying on the ground. I got out and there was a pool of blood around his head.

    I felt so guilty that I took him to the ER and ended up paying for the stitches, he had broken his arm and I paid for the x-rays and the cast and the follow-up appointments.

    O. M. Effing. G.

    Ok I don’t know where I am going with this except to emphasize, what I wish I had realized then that I can see so clearly now, is that I would have been so much better off without him and without wasting years of my life trying to make things right with him. Ick ick ick.

    I am sending so much love and compassion and strength to my younger self that didn’t know that, sending back wisdom through the years to show my younger self what a precious, sparkling treasure I was then and am now.

    I didn’t deserve that, not no way not no how.



  110.  #110Grace on June 10, 2016 at 7:34 am

    You know what feels fun? When I’ve totally forgotten about a CD and gotten on with my day or my life and I hear from him – he’s been thinking about me, he’s missing ME, he is looking forward to a hug from me.

    Something also that feels sweet – I got an email from my mother. I had posted a video on FB of Dana Falsetti, a yogini who is “plus-sized” and quite strong and flexible, and my mother saw it. She emailed me to tell me she saw it, she loves me, and I am worthy.
    My mother has NEVER said anything like this to me before. It feels soft and intimate.

    yes. this. 🙂

    happythankyoumoreplease!



  111.  #111Millie on June 10, 2016 at 7:40 am

    January jones– I love your screen name! Mad men is one of my favorite shows and I love her as an actress as well. Welcome to the blog!



  112.  #112Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 10:14 am

    (((((Grace)))) #105
    My my heart feels all swollen with happiness reading how your mother acknowledged you with a loving heart!!!
    How wonderful to receive those loving intimate words from your Mother!!
    oxoxoxo



  113.  #113Liquid Light on June 10, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Millie 90

    The way the facilitators work is that you bring a completed worksheet to the session. They can work through the worksheet with you and help you in areas that you are blocked or can’t seem to get through. Whatever the obstacle is, they are trained to help you with the worksheet and and the situation. So its not generic, its very specific to the situation. From what I understand, more specific, the better.

    Btw, for others, the worksheet, its called the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet, I’m referring to is available at http://thework.com/en/tools-do-work

    Byron Katie is really amazing. Her positive impact on my life has been profound. And her process really complements Rori’s process.



  114.  #114Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 10:31 am

    Sirens,
    I want to get my workout in today AND walk!!!
    My body has gotten so extremely painful in my shoulders and arms – Tindinitis – from Not getting much movement into my life for the past several years… even if I do some High Intesity Strength Training… this winter I stopped doing much at all… got lazy!!
    UGHHHHH!!!
    I’ve started making bone broth (supposed to excellent for skin and joints etc)
    and working out more (although it is pretty painful for my right arm) and I found a few great stretches on YouTube!!!
    I want to give myself a pedicure… sandal weather up here in the NORTH!!
    Spirit asked me for a date this evening… dinner and dancing…
    We will be talking about us and I will be sharing all of the things I so Adore about him…
    and how we both have tried really hard… but we are VERY different people…
    No more…



  115.  #115Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 11:20 am

    LiQuid Light!!
    Thank you for these links and explanation…
    I am learning so much when I listen to her videos and
    I haven’t done a worksheet yet…
    I will try this!



  116.  #116Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 11:21 am

    Sirens,
    I want to get my workout in today AND walk!!!
    My body has gotten so extremely painful in my shoulders and arms – Tindinitis – from Not getting much movement into my life for the past several years… even if I do some High Intesity Strength Training… this winter I stopped doing much at all… got lazy!!
    UGHHHHH!!!



  117.  #117Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 11:22 am

    I’ve started making bone broth (supposed to excellent for skin and joints etc)
    and working out more (although it is pretty painful for my right arm) and I found a few great stretches on YouTube!!!



  118.  #118Azure Blu on June 10, 2016 at 11:22 am

    I want to give myself a pedicure… sandal weather up here in the NORTH!!

    Spirit asked me for a date this evening… dinner and dancing… always soooo romantic!!

    We will be talking about us and I will be sharing all of the things I so Adore about him…
    and how we both have tried really hard… but we are VERY different people…
    No more…



  119.  #119Liquid Light on June 10, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Azure,

    Wow, good luck to you tonight. Stay strong. Big hug to you. For what its worth, I think you are making the right decision.

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((Azure))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  120.  #120Liquid Light on June 10, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Azure,

    Yeah, the videos with Byron Katie are fantastic. Great learning tools about how to do The Work. This one that she just posted is amazing! And very relevant to many of us here I imagine:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywyGictZJIU&feature=em-subs_digest



  121.  #121Liquid Light on June 10, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Grace 105

    Awhh, that is just so sweet and touching! Thanks for sharing! 🙂



  122.  #122Liquid Light on June 10, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    OMG, I absolutely LOVE Joe Biden.

    He stood up for the poor woman who was raped on the Stanford campus.

    What courage, integrity, masculinity, strength, and love he has showed by publicly showing his supporting for her when so many other people abandoned her.

    The woman showed her bravery and courage by speaking up about her experience, and he followed in her footsteps. What incredibly brave, amazing people. Simply in awe of their outstanding courage and integrity in the face of such abysmal and disgraceful treatment.

    He disavowed the young man that committed this crime as well as his ignorant father who wrote off what his son did as just “20 min of fun”. Just disgusting.

    The only way things will change, and that rape will be seen as the crime that it is every single time, is when brave souls like Joe Biden and the woman who was raped speak out about it.

    Bravo to them!



  123.  #123January Jones on June 10, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Thank you Azur Blue and Grace for your comments and support !

    Milie – I love her too ! I feel a connection with the Mad Men show! I feel like I should have been born during that era. Women were so chich then. When I get made up I sometimes feel like it is too much ! Everyone is looking and I don’t like that feeling.



  124.  #124Laura on June 10, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Rori, I read your blog about riffing on the feeling and I have to say, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Your awareness and willingness to open to feeling is unparalleled! I feel so soft and happy, knowing that I GET what you are saying! What a beautiful gift this awareness, this capacity, is! Your articulation of your experience is profound and infinitely valuable to me. I journeyed with you as I read your words. Yes, it is all about coming back to the precious self and allowing it all in. Then my heart can quickly resume its blossoming, and all whom I encounter may be refreshed by the clarity that my heart-full presence brings, including the man in my life! Wow! Blessings and love, Laura



  125.  #125January Jones on June 10, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Azur Blue – I felt like going for a pedi today too … but it was too late. The places had already closed.

    I still feel sad ladies. I got home late and my hubby was out talking to our neighbourg … I feel jealous and he knew . He told me that it was ridiculous that she is so much older than we are and that she will be able to tell that I dont like her. But it is not that. I dont even know her to not like her. It is that he is doing things to help this woman but when I ask for help I dont get any. That’s what I don’t like !
    I mentioned this to him and he said : I dont know her how can I say no. It would be rude.
    UGH !!!
    I am just frustrated. I dropped water on the table and he thought it was on something our neighbourg gave us that was pretty expensive and he got angry bc he thought we would have to pay her. I yelled and said she can get a life Im not paying her for something I dont want. I had told him when I got home I wanted him to be calmer and less harsh with me… So he was until this point when he mentioned that I was the one being rough … which in actuality I was.
    I do know I cant control my temper ! I am not feminine.



  126.  #126January Jones on June 11, 2016 at 6:22 am

    I feel very insecure. I always have. I have covered this up with toughness and feist.

    I purchased Rori’s ebook years back… but when it comes time to be more feminine and move away from boy energy… I fumble. My mind goes blank.
    I’ve tried to tell myself to do what I feel but my instinct is sometimes to snap and to be jealous and fearful/hateful.

    Oh boy ! I am not portraying a nice picture of myself am I ?
    But that is what comes naturally… I have been so tough all my life that it is just easier to not care, to ignore, to be cold…

    I don’t want to be here ! I don’t want to deal with someone that doesn’t agree with me and that makes me feel not safe emotionally. I guess though that the insecurity is something I must work on.



  127.  #127January Jones on June 11, 2016 at 6:24 am

    I am currently taking a look at heather allison’s website 🙂 THanks ladies !



  128.  #128MissStix on June 11, 2016 at 11:53 am

    Eeek! I forgot I can’t not read this blog for days if I have any hope of keeping up lol

    In quick update land I am feeling content yet tired. Not sleeping as well not in my own bed although it still feels right to be where i’m at.
    The main man is talking about engagement rings. He told me he told his mom non-specifically that we are having a rough patch and she told him “just go get a ring already”
    Haha
    (((Moms)))
    I guess she kind of assumes i’m getting tired of waiting. Which is a fair assumption although we’re well beyond that now.
    At this point i’d say we are engaged except HE wants to get a ring. I said I don’t need one…It’s my second marriage and I have my grandmothers wedding ring. He says it’s not up to me, it’s up to him and he wants to get a proper engagement ring, and that’s that.
    So here we are.
    I have agreed to marry him so i’m getting married. :p
    I’m really doing this…
    I feel mixes of many feelings, most of them kind of buzzy energy type feelings.



  129.  #129MissStix on June 11, 2016 at 11:55 am

    I’m not fully moving back in with him until the engagement is “official” and I guess that means when I have a ring since it’s not up to me LOL



  130.  #130Alli on June 11, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    Hello ladies 🙂
    I am new to this group, but have enjoyed reading about everyone’s experiences. It is helpful. My bf (CJ) and I began dating in October, 2014, but in April, 2015, he was sent to work in Germany.
    He has two children with two different German women, as he has worked there more than once in the past. One son is 13, and the other is only 3. Before he left for Germany, we discussed our relationship, and agreed that we would try to keep it going long distance. We had already been talking marriage before we knew of his transfer. I have two sons, 18 and 13, and the older is off to college this fall. CJ and I discussed the possibility of my younger son and I moving to Germany to be with him, but my ex husband would not allow me to take him. We would have been married before moving if it had worked out.
    I have been to Germany to see CJ twice since he left. Once in 8/15 and more recently in 4/16. My younger son also visited on the first trip, and met CJ’s 13 year old son. They hit it off , and became friends.
    We kept in touch almost daily through text, and would skype at least once a week.
    Over the last 2 months, CR has been under extreme stress due to his work, and dealing with his latest ex-wife over alimony and child custody, which has also caused him financial distress. He has been distant, and unwilling to skype. He had to travel to Turkey for several days (dangerous!!) and then immediately after that, to Seattle for a week to study and take an exam for his work. More financial distress, as the Seattle trip and week long class/exam were out of his pocket.
    Soooo, after very little contact for two weeks, He sent me a text on May 31. Said he is very hurt and sad, but feels he must dissolve our relationship. He feels he needs to let me go because of the reality that we can’t be together in Germany. I know….breakup by text is cowardly, right!! With his job, he will not be allowed to stay in Germany for more than 5-6 years. He also said he feels his love for me has evolved into concern and worry about me and our situation. I should mention that I went through a job loss back in January, but am now beginning a new job this month. So on top of all the other stress, he’s been worried about me, and my unemployment.
    CJ is a wonderful man with good values. He tries to be a good dad, and drives 3 hours every weekend to be with his 13 year old son. I never doubted his love for me, and completely trusted him despite the distance. I believed we could eventually be together, even if we had to wait until my son was 18. The breakup text completed blindsided me, and I feel so many emotions: sad, angry, confused, broken. Of course I lost it, and tried to reason with him.
    My hope is that this is all coming from this stressful time, and that soon he will realize he misses me, and will want to talk. So far there has only been a text to tell me to keep up with my job search. I replied that I had found a job, but he didn’t even ask about the details. Again, worrying about me, and trying to help me. I know the right course is not to contact him, and only answer texts that ask a question. I’m not always clear on the right way to answer the questions.
    So difficult to not talk to him now after we were so intertwined in each other’s lives.
    Thank you for listening to my rant. I know it was long.



  131.  #131AlliNich on June 11, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    Hello ladies 🙂
    I am new to this group, but have enjoyed reading about everyone’s experiences. It is helpful. My bf (CJ) and I began dating in October, 2014, but in April, 2015, he was sent to work in Germany.
    He has two children with two different German women, as he has worked there more than once in the past. One son is 13, and the other is only 3. Before he left for Germany, we discussed our relationship, and agreed that we would try to keep it going long distance. We had already been talking marriage before we knew of his transfer. I have two sons, 18 and 13, and the older is off to college this fall. CJ and I discussed the possibility of my younger son and I moving to Germany to be with him, but my ex husband would not allow me to take him. We would have been married before moving if it had worked out.
    I have been to Germany to see CJ twice since he left. Once in 8/15 and more recently in 4/16. My younger son also visited on the first trip, and met CJ’s 13 year old son. They hit it off , and became friends.
    We kept in touch almost daily through text, and would skype at least once a week.
    Over the last 2 months, CR has been under extreme stress due to his work, and dealing with his latest ex-wife over alimony and child custody, which has also caused him financial distress. He has been distant, and unwilling to skype. He had to travel to Turkey for several days (dangerous!!) and then immediately after that, to Seattle for a week to study and take an exam for his work. More financial distress, as the Seattle trip and week long class/exam were out of his pocket.
    Soooo, after very little contact for two weeks, He sent me a text on May 31. Said he is very hurt and sad, but feels he must dissolve our relationship. He feels he needs to let me go because of the reality that we can’t be together in Germany. I know….breakup by text is cowardly, right!! With his job, he will not be allowed to stay in Germany for more than 5-6 years. He also said he feels his love for me has evolved into concern and worry about me and our situation. I should mention that I went through a job loss back in January, but am now beginning a new job this month. So on top of all the other stress, he’s been worried about me, and my unemployment.
    CJ is a wonderful man with good values. He tries to be a good dad, and drives 3 hours every weekend to be with his 13 year old son. I never doubted his love for me, and completely trusted him despite the distance. I believed we could eventually be together, even if we had to wait until my son was 18. The breakup text completed blindsided me, and I feel so many emotions: sad, angry, confused, broken. Of course I lost it, and tried to reason with him.
    My hope is that this is all coming from this stressful time, and that soon he will realize he misses me, and will want to talk. So far there has only been a text to tell me to keep up with my job search. I replied that I had found a job, but he didn’t even ask about the details. Again, worrying about me, and trying to help me. I know the right course is not to contact him, and only answer texts that ask a question. I’m not always clear on the right way to answer the questions.
    So difficult to not talk to him now after we were so intertwined in each other’s lives.
    Thank you for listening to my rant. I know it was long.



  132.  #132Liquid Light on June 11, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    MissStix, Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Your siren journey is so inspiring!! 🙂



  133.  #133Liquid Light on June 11, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    I had a great date last night, and it was such a surprise!

    It was with the “movie” guy I met a couple weeks ago – we met randomly at a coffee shop, I drew him in with a RR smile, and we had a dream like conversation at the coffee shop.

    We finally got together last night. I had very low expectations, I guess because it had been a couple weeks. I figured he wasn’t really that interested since he hadn’t asked me out right away. In fact I figured he was married or something. I concocted a huge story about him without really knowing anything!

    My coach encouraged me to be open to him. She coached me through how to communicate with him, and he asked me out right then and there while I was in a session with her! amazing!

    Anyway, he’s tall, dark and handsome. And funny. And drives a really nice car (yes, I’m shallow and like that sort of thing )

    The date was such a surprise. He really opened up to me about his past relationships. I was so surprised! If he wasn’t married, I had pegged him as being a perennial bachelor, never wanting to settle down! Wow, the stories I concocted were so far from the truth, its astounding.

    Turns out, he had been married before and had since had several serious relationships! They all had the same story – she ended it by cheating on him or not being in love and not wanting to commit! Wow! Never would have guessed that!!!

    Byron Katie says its best to be in a state of non-knowing. Love that!

    We have different religious beliefs, that is, I’m not religious and he is. It might be an issue for him though its not for me.

    Trying to stay open though to see how this journey unfolds 🙂

    The date was really awkward but we both relaxed a bit as the date went on. But it definitely was one of the more awkward ones that I’ve had in a while. Maybe thats good? lol

    However, when I saw photos of a property that he has for sale, I really hated the decor. It was not well done, kinda tacky. I pretty much wrote him off for this until I talked with my coach. And then because of her encouragement opened up more to him. But aesthetics are important to me.

    I guess I’ll just see what happens….



  134.  #134January Jones on June 12, 2016 at 5:43 am

    Congrats MissStix !!!



  135.  #135MissStix on June 12, 2016 at 7:21 am

    Thank you for the congrats 🙂



  136.  #136MissStix on June 12, 2016 at 7:47 am

    I saw this today and it triggered curiousity and a feeling akin to openness. Feeling like I am open to truth, action, reality. Maybe i’m even open to a little bullsh*t. As long as I recognize it and take it in for what it’s worth…Just playing around with life:

    “Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullsh*t.”



  137.  #137MissStix on June 12, 2016 at 7:56 am

    I want to admit that there are pastures I have seen as greener. Yet I know my vision is clouded by desire. Not desire for any specific pasture…. I guess it’s more like, hey! That pasture has a cow and a well with water to drink and purple flowers.
    And that takes over.
    I just stand at my fence and long to hop it and go to that pasture and milk the cows, drink the water and smell the flowers. I want to reside there.
    It takes up a lot of space in my mind and then there is very little apace left for having cows and flowers and water to drink in the pasture I already occupy.
    So really… It’s not about grass at all. Is it?
    It’s about knowing my pasture is already so beautiful and I can have all the flowers.
    And all the cows!
    And the water.
    🙂



  138.  #138MissStix on June 12, 2016 at 8:00 am

    If it’s at all about the grass, my grass is way greener.
    Truth is I have no idea how green the grass is till I get there.
    And maybe the cow is ill and the flowers are toxic.



  139.  #139Zara on June 12, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Rori Raye

    I thought I would share how the blog works on my side.
    I read the blog on
    – my Android smartphone with Google Chrome bowser and Dolphin browser and Puffin free browser
    – on my Ipad with Safari browser and also Puffin Free browser
    – and on my Windows desktop with Iexplorer and Google Chrome browsers.

    The old blog was showing perfect on all my devices with all my browsers. And even more, on my Android smartphone, there was an option “see the desktop version”, in case the mobile version felt uncomfortable or restricted (which it was not).
    The old blog was just perfect on all my devices.

    So, today, after the changes, here is what I see when I am on:
    __________________________________
    A=>
    my Android smartphone
    with Google Chrome browser or Dolphin browser or Puffin free browser (the blog reacts the same way with the mobile version of theses 3 different browsers)

    1=> The Head Banner, on the home page and on the post pages
    I see the usual pink head banner “havetherelationshipyouwant” with the picture of the couple forehead against forehead. When I tap on this head banner, it refreshes to the same home page with your 10 last posts.

    2=> The menu bar, on the home page and on the post pages.
    Right underneath number 1, is a pink rectangle as wide as the page on which is written “Menu”. But when I tap on the word “Menu”, nothing happens. The word “Menu” is not a link.
    We’ve lost the menu bar, the blog is cut off from the main site “havetherelationshipyouwant” and there is no link left on the blog to take us to your products and your short videos that used to be on the right side.

    3=> The content of the page, on the home page
    Right underneath number 2, I can see the last 10 posts.

    3=> The content of the page, on the post pages
    Right underneath number 2, there is the full post, followed by number 4 the comments, number 5 the “leave a comment” box, number 6 the “notify me” box.

    7=> The “next” box, on the home page
    At the bottom of number 3, there is the box that says “next” in order to move on to the next page.

    7=> The “next” box does not show on the post pages.

    8=> The “free advice” box, on the home page
    Under number 7, there is the box with your pic, in which to register so to receive free advice.

    8=> The “free advice” box, on the post pages.
    It is under number 6 and it works the same as on home page.

    9=>The “Pages” box, on the home page
    Under number 8, there is the word “Pages” written in big red letters. When I tap on it, nothing happens. It is not a link either.
    Under which there is a white empty space.
    We’ve lost the blog precious archives.

    9=> The “Pages” box does not show on the post pages.

    10=> The “recent comments” box, on the home page
    Under number 9, there is the “recent comments” box. The links do work. Although they don’t update and look as if nobody commented in days.

    10=> The “recent comments” box, on the post pages.
    It is under number 8, and it works as on the home page

    11=> The “Categories” box, on the home page and on the post pages.
    Under number 10, there is the word “Categories” followed by a list of links.

    12=> The “Terms and Conditions” link, on the home page and on the post pages.
    Under number 11, there is the link to Terms and Conditions and it is the end of the page.

    13=> The magnifier symbol indicating a search tool.
    It does NOT show on the Android phone.

    14=> When I click on my browsers the option “view in the desktop version”, nothing changes. It is still this constricted version, cut off from your products, from your videos and from your archives.

    ________________________________________

    B=>
    my IPad with Safary browser:

    =====I can see, on the home page in this order:

    => 1 (same as on Android)

    => 2 (does not show) => no menu bar

    Under which the page is divided in two columns

    ——In the left column I can see in this order:

    => 3

    => 7

    ——In the right column I can see in this order

    => 13
    But when I tap on the magnifier, nothing happens. The box to type in the search key word, does NOT pop up.

    => 8

    => 9 (empty box) => no archives box

    => 10

    => 11

    End of page.

    =====I can see, on the post pages, in this order:

    => 1 (same as on Android)

    => 2 (does not show) => no menu bar

    Under which the page is divided in two columns

    ——In the left column I can see in this order:

    =>3

    =>4

    =>5

    =>6

    ——In the right column I can see in this order:

    => 13
    When I click on the magnifier, a search box does pop up. When I type a word in the search box and hit enter, it comes up with some result. The results are irrelevant to my search, but something does come back.

    =>8

    =>10

    =>11

    End of the page

    _______________________________________

    C=>
    my Ipad with my Puffin Free browser

    Numbers 1 to 13 work the same as in B

    Number 14=> Puffin does have the option but when used on this blog, nothing happens anymore.

    _______________________________________

    D=>
    my Windows desktop with Google Chrome browser

    Number 1 to 13 work the same way as in B ans C

    _______________________________________

    E=>
    my Windows desktop with Iexplorer

    Number 1 to 12 work the same way as in B and C.

    Number 13=> same as in B and C but the search box does pop up on the home page too, not only on the post pages.

    ____________________________

    xxx



  140.  #140Liquid Light on June 12, 2016 at 11:27 am

    Zara, wow great QA!! 🙂



  141.  #141Azure Blu on June 12, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    Zara #129
    WOW!!! how very helpful for a programmer to get this info!!!
    I am finding the same problems with the site…… other ones also….

    I’m a web designer and it would be amazing to get this kind of feed back…
    Makes the fixing of things sooo much easier!



  142.  #142Azure Blu on June 12, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    Liquid Light #127
    Ohh… this all sounds so good… I love how your coach is helping you talk about the important stuff!!! I need to push through with this too!



  143.  #143Rori Raye on June 13, 2016 at 12:15 am

    Laura – Thank you! What a wonderful writer you are! Love, Rori



  144.  #144Azure Blu on June 13, 2016 at 1:07 am

    (((Alli)))
    My heart feels sad reading about your pain and loss…
    I know getting a job is relieving some stress…
    I am glad you are able to open your soft, authentic heart here on Siren Island…
    I hope you will feel supported and given courage!



  145.  #145Victoria on June 13, 2016 at 4:05 am

    Azure,
    What happened with Spirit?



  146.  #146Indigo on June 13, 2016 at 4:53 am

    January Jones,

    Firstly, welcome to the blog. I hope you will get some helpful insight here.

    There are many things you can do in your situation to feel better, and to maybe improve your relationship. However I would feel concerned about your husband’s behaviour if I were in your shoes. I got an uneasy feeling when you talked about him chatting on Facebook late at night. I think the key is not to meet it with insecurity though, but with truth. I don’t think stonewalling your husband and clamming up is the way to go here. Having a real conversation about it requires great vulnerability and great strength, but could bring you closer together. Conversations like these require you to be very real about your feelings without attacking the other person. He needs to feel safe to be honest with you, because only then can you maybe get to the bottom of this and heal it. He also needs to see how it is really making you feel, without you covering it up with a tough girl act. Personally, I’ve realised that this sort of honesty and safety is essential in a relationship, because without it there is no trust.

    Him pulling away from you physically is also concerning, but is a sign of the lack of emotional connection in your relationship. Leaning back, softening up and becoming feminine can all help with this, being vulnerable instead of fighting with him and attacking him. But he also needs to be willing, you don’t want to stay in an unfulfilling relationship forever. A coach can be great for holding your hand and helping you navigate through all of this. Personally I can highly recommend Dominique, and found her extremely helpful on my own journey.



  147.  #147Azure Blu on June 13, 2016 at 7:58 am

    Victoria
    Thank you for the question!!
    Spirit asked me out on Friday to dinner, dance and talk…
    He brought over flowers… He is sooo romantic
    Of course we had a fun, amazing time together… on a Warm, beautiful summer evening!!
    We danced outside to several live bands…. ate at several of the food carts and I had some yummie wine!
    We talked in the car, on the way home,
    He WAS VERY worried that I wanted to break up… (he is right)
    He said he didn’t want to feel stifled and I enthusiastically agreed with that
    and “I don’t want to feel stifled either!!!” i said..
    He admitted that he can get carried away…
    WOW!! first time he has ever admitted that!!
    He said… “How about, when i get started on something and you feel overwhelmed…. You say… TIME OUT!!!” I said that is a good idea…
    I said I can’t imagine how we can make this work
    when we are so VERY opposite on the basic beliefs…
    He said “you don’t want someone to be your clone, do you? Have you ever been with someone who believes like you?”
    I said yes… and it was WONDERFUL!!!

    I’m in the middle of getting my equestrian magazine to the printer and so I don’t want to stress myself out right now…
    I can see that he really WANTS to make this work… I used the Time Out… on Sat morning…
    and it worked… we both got rather annoyed but worked through it…
    I’ll see how this feels for now…

    Thank you again, lovely Sirens, for all your amazing support and loving vibes…
    it helped with MY leaning back and loving ME!!!

    These Rori tools work!! Giving him his space to figure out HIS part in this…
    and ME figuring what I really want in a Mr. Right…
    Keeps me High Quality in his heart… just what HE wants!!!
    HE came up with a solution… we talked about a very High stress issue
    with respect and caring…
    All my self love… it feels soooo good to ME!!!



  148.  #148Femininewoman on June 13, 2016 at 8:57 am

    Azure frankly speaking, I am not surprised this is the result. Conscious agreements and commitments can make a vast difference to our interactions. He has clearly heard you and during that time of absence maybe was seeking for a solution. Regardless of whether or not you chose to stay in relationship with him, the key here as far as I am concerned is that you chose to hear him.



  149.  #149Grace on June 13, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    I feel so troubled.
    I had asked Lanky not to seek me out at my job when he stops by, he said he would never do that! but he has in the past…and the day before yesterday he did.
    I saw him walking up to another man in the shop, so I just went back to what I was doing. He walked the co-worker down the aisle I was working on, and touched me on the shoulder and was like, “How is life treating you?”
    I can not tell you the huge adrenaline rush that flooded my body. Since he was walking away, I just said, “really good” and kept working, but I was shaking and shaking in fear.
    I saw him coming again, so I went in another direction but he came up from behind and I nearly choked with all the stuff I was feeling. My whole speech about how I was going to stop by his house and talk to his wife if he didn’t leave me alone totally evaporated as my primal brain took over and I told him in a low and growly voice to STAY THE F*CK AWAY FROM ME..
    He paused and said, “You’re *that* angry with me?”
    I couldn’t even look at him, because I felt my heart would break, really I just wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss and kiss and kiss him but instead I repeated, “stay away from me.”
    I felt emotionally hijacked for the next couple of hours, every freaking memory of the guy who stalked me was popping up, all of that old fear from then and me just repeating to myself that I am safe and that was then, this is now.
    It feels so horrible that it’s turned out this way. My heart wants to talk with him, tell him it wasn’t anger, it was fear and try to come to an understanding.
    My brain is telling me…we’ve already had this conversation and one of the big reasons I need to cut contact is because he puts his feelings first and makes it all about him, that he says he wants us to be ‘friends’ but there isn’t any basis for a real friendship here. He has already told me he can’t give me what I want, but still keeps sniffing around which tells me he doesn’t care about me like I thought he did. From the couple of times when he has grabbed me after I told him no, that doesn’t feel good, all I can see is a future of him sidling up to me to be friendly and grabbing me when nobody is around or my guard is down. I see nothing good coming of maintaining a connection with him despite how deeply my heart wants to feel soft and sweet and playful with him again.

    And I guess, what I want, is someone to tell me it’s okay to push him away. Even though there are some really, really good feelings and my heart wants to make this okay again that this isn’t a good thing for me and I’m not crazy and un-sireny and not feminine for handling it this way. I need to hear it’s okay and that it doesn’t mean I’m pushing love away or doing something bad and mean to him.

    And I can feel the deeper wound of this, of being taught to always absorb men’s sh!t, their anger and abuse and pain. The wound of being made to feel wrong and bad over and over again feeling forced to live with an abusive parent, who also loved me and also had good qualities.

    I had a good cry while typing all of this out and I feel better, more quiet and soft.



  150.  #150Grace on June 13, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    Actually, I didn’t feel like my heart would break or that I wanted to kiss him, I just felt my heart rate skyrocket and my whole body trembling. I can’t say why I wouldn’t look at him, except maybe I didn’t want to cave, he has the most incredibly beautiful golden eyes like I’ve never seen in my life and I didn’t want to look up and do something stupid like smile or laugh out of nervousness that would give him any reason to think I’m ok with him seeking me out while I’m at work.



  151.  #151Liquid Light on June 13, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Grace,

    What you wrote is alarming. This man is not respecting you and your boundaries. He has crossed the line and he is stalking you. This man is not good for you, his intentions are purely self-serving. He has no issues with crossing your boundaries after you have made it very clear what they were and that you didn’t want to see him. Who knows what else someone like this is capable of. I know, I’ve been there. I kept sweeping the same types of behavior under the carpet because I was so mesmerized by my ex. I made excuse after excuse for his lack of respect for me and my boundaries, he repeatedly ignored them.

    My coach finally had me see the truth: that he was a dangerous self serving man. And that I was lucky to get out of the relationship unharmed (at least physically.)

    Please please do not let this man squirm his sleazy way back into your life. You need to protect yourself and be very firm with him. If it continues, then I would consider more serious action. At the very least, document everything that is happening, if you feel threatened, go to the police. There’s not much that they can do but at least you will have it documented.

    If I were you, I would immediately find a competent therapist that can help you get clarity about why this is happening to you again, and how to make sure that it never happens again. Please don’t go through this alone, its really really hard. You need to get out of your head about this and get outside perspective. Its not really that uncommon what’s happening to you and someone with professional training can really help you navigate through this. My coach has made a huge difference to me and I feel that with her help and clarity, I finally got over my ex, realized what a creep he was, and now have moved on 100%. She has been a godsend.

    It doesn’t have to be her though it can be anyone who is a trained therapist. Better that the therapist is female though.

    This Lanky guy is a sleazy creep. Actions always speak louder than words. He’s cheating on his wife, he’s not respecting your wishes, and he’s stalking you at work. What a creep!!! Get rid of him for good!



  152.  #152Liquid Light on June 13, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Grace))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Btw, kudos to you for posting here about your experience. That was the right thing to do…you know something is off, I bet thats why you posted…we can help you get perspective about what’s going on!

    Big hug, girl!



  153.  #153Liquid Light on June 13, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Grace,

    Couple more things.

    This guy doesn’t care about you at all. You are simply his pray. He is a predator and he identified you as being someone that he could pray upon and manipulate. What’s he’s doing is taking advantage of your niceness, your naivete, he knows exactly how to manipulate you and what your weaknesses are. He will leverage that knowledge to get what he wants.

    That’s all you are to him…Just someone to use and yes abuse. It took me such a long time to see the truth about my ex and how selfish he was and how he didn’t care about me AT ALL. That’s what these types of men do, they locate a victim that they know they can manipulate, they can sniff you out. The only defense is knowledge, and sticking up for yourself and your boundaries…

    Grr, this makes me so mad. I don’t want this to happen to another woman ever. Its an awful horrible thing to go through.

    Hang in there, girl, and please find a therapist to help you go through this…you don’t have to go through this alone….



  154.  #154Lovergirl on June 13, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    Hi everyone! Wow, everything looks different on the blog, but nice. I have been keeping super busy with work and my kids. Not a lot on the man front lately. I feel like I”m avoiding men.

    I will say that RadioCD- the one who showed up with another woman when I was working-yeah that one- he sent me some apology texts recently. I only happened to see them when I checked my spam filter on my phone, like a week after he sent them. I didn’t respond but I felt vindicated, lol. It took him about 3 months to apologize. I’m guessing the other girl dumped him because I saw he was on Tinder again too talking about how he wants a relationship. Ugh. I swiped him away. :p

    I’ve been pretty consumed with work. My boss is on vacation and I’ve been the boss for the week! I’m getting closer and closer to that promotion. Pretty much everyone wants me to have it and that feels good. The general manager of the company added me to a group with all the bigwigs, etc. Moving on up! 😉

    I’m still in the process of trying to get this house I want to buy (but can’t until I have non-commission full time income or another year’s tax returns). Hoping, hoping, hoping that the people who are trying to buy it on a short sale won’t be able to so they will consider letting me rent to own. So far things look like they might be heading in my direction!

    Just not very interested in men and relationships right now. They just feel like extra stress. Every now and then I still feel the pangs of missing S. I’m not really fully over him yet, but I didn’t contact him on his birthday a month ago and haven’t at all. It’s been over a year now since I’ve seen him. 🙁



  155.  #155Lovergirl on June 13, 2016 at 9:11 pm

    Oh, and funny story. I was working this weekend at a festival. The next day I found a guy looking for me on craigslist missed connections. It was pretty specific, so I knew it was me. I think it was one of the guys in the tent next door to us, but not sure which one. I just thought it was crazy to come across a post from someone who wanted to talk to me but didn’t have a chance to get my number (that’s what he said anyway, in the ad). Guess it does show that guys will go to great lengths when they really do want to talk to you!



  156.  #156Millie on June 13, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    January Jones– Yes! I too feel connected to the 50s and 60s. In fact that is my style and I do dress up a lot and wear clothes from the era. I like the attention it brings and I also feel very unique and like I am portraying myself accurately. The style aligns with my soul. Sometimes I wish I could be in Betty Draper’s world. Lately though I have been embracing my inner tomboy and there are times I don’t bother with doing my hair or make-up and yet I feel beautiful and free. I can relate to your feelings of insecurity, I have them as well.

    Lovergirl! How lovely to *see* you on the blog again!!!

    Azure– Wow, just wow…. my jaw is dropped.

    I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the idea that feminine energy is love. We exist as love at all times. We love ourselves even when no one else does. Our love for ourself is unconditional and when we choose to be open and raw and let go of fear, we choose to become more of ourselves. I don’t really understand what that feels/looks like. I just know I want to do it. To be radiant and trusting of the universe. To stop f-ing up.

    I got my hair cut. It really needed to be trimmed, but it came out so short and feathery. This morning when I went to do it, I feel silly admitting this, but I choked with sobs…It looks so terrible, I feel so unfeminine and it feels like a mullet. The worst of it is, I had let my mom cut it because she has a cosmetology license and used to work in the salon. I wanted to save money, and I just couldn’t breathe when I looked at myself today. I’m not normally that emotional about stuff like that, but it doesn’t feel like me. My beautiful, siren waves are gone and replaced by this choppy mullet. I hate it. Ponytail for a month.



  157.  #157Victoria on June 14, 2016 at 12:05 am

    Azure,
    You handled the situation so well! Brava! And of course, he would be a fool to let you go, and he knows it.
    I would really like to learn to have rational and calm conversations about things I want and maintain my boundaries in a lady-like way. When I was a child, when my parents would not agree to something I wanted (mostly my father) I would get upset and cry and eventually get what I want. Unfortunately, this type of coping mechanism is deeply ingrained in me, and when I want something and can’t get it, I start to cry. And when I start crying, it freaks men out, and, unlike my father, they rarely concede to my demands, and from there it gets from bad to worse. I am telling you this, because I have been in a situation somewhat similar to yours, but it was practically impossible to be to bring up my concerns and demands without crying. So, if you managed to have a calm conversation, you are light years ahead of me in your personal development.
    Also, I would like to point it out to you, that he has apologized to you big time. Flowers etc. You may not recognize this as an apology, but this is what it is, and I dare to emphasize it because when we are caught up in our own emotions/frustration we sometimes miss the message that the other person is sending us.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are setting a great example for me.



  158.  #158January Jones on June 14, 2016 at 4:25 am

    Good morning ladies !

    What a beautiful day over here ! I feel so wonderfully energetic and ready to start my day !

    I have already had a great breakfast, getting ready for the day but I wanted to post what has been going on inside of me this past weekend.

    I have been incredibly busy doing a bunch of things with my family and seeing a bunch of different performances at the theater in town. I feel so happy. My parents also came over to my place on the weekend and I feel that they changed my mood for the better. They made me feel less resentful and more lighthearted. I took a long walk the other day and just listened to what I felt inside. I felt turmoil, discomfort, rage but with underlying fear. I feel it is time to put myself first (not that I haven’t tried before), but this time I will do it authentically. I will listen to what is in my soul and be concerned with my feelings and my needs. I want to truly feel what I feel.

    I have started using feeling messages with my hubby and boy I am telling you that it does a hell of a difference overnight (at leat so far) !!! After about 2 days of using feeling messages, my hubby has run to the car to get the groceries for me, came into the room where I was reading and said that he was feeling good and wanted to share this high moment with me lol !

    We have also had a heart to heart discussion as Indigo so kindly suggested. 🙂 I believe this has helped as well.

    I am however having trouble with feeling messages a bit… they are not coming very naturally to me … Am I supposed to ONLY use feeling messages to communicate and I want , I don’t want ?? I am not sure exactly how to use them 100% . Not all our conversations can be conveyed through feeling messages can they ?

    Hope to hear back from you all 🙂 Have a wonderful day!



  159.  #159January Jones on June 14, 2016 at 4:33 am

    Wow Milie, we sound so much alike. I do not dress vintage though. I find that I am struggling to find my style.
    I said above that I want to focus on me and what I feel … well I am starting with my well-being first. I have a few extra pounds to lose before I can fit in to the clothes that I feel I should truly be wearing. I dress classy and have some style but I don’t feel comfortable for some reason and I seek to change that feeling 🙂 !

    I too have spent most part of this year wearing hardly any make up unless I am heading out somewhere fancy or special. I feel beautiful without make-up and not tomboyish at all ! I am happy you feel beautiful as well 😉 I am sure you are just stunning !
    Although, to be quite honest I do sometimes feel like light make-up would be my preference, just to camouflage some redness and highlight certain areas :p . I am on the look out for a sheer foundations that feels lovely on my skin !!

    It really feels great to speak to you ladies 🙂 !!



  160.  #160January Jones on June 14, 2016 at 4:38 am

    Aawww Milie ! I understand how you feel dear !
    I’ve cried too over hair. Nothing to feel ashamed about ;).

    Ponytail for a month or what about pampering yourself and heading to the salon to see what can be done ??? 🙂



  161.  #161Indigo on June 14, 2016 at 5:17 am

    January Jones 158,

    My personal feeling is that feeling messages have to feel authentic… it’s no good using them when you are expressing a thought or an opinion, and no you don’t have to use them all the time. Do what feels natural to you.

    Some coaches and sirens disagree with me here and like to use feeling messages, poetic language all the time, but personally I like my speech to feel natural and authentic for me, and I save feeling messages for when I am trying to convey a deeper state. But it IS good practice to at least get in touch with what you’re feeling at any given moment… you can choose when and what feels good to share.



  162.  #162Alli on June 14, 2016 at 5:51 am

    I’m wondering if any of you girls use Tinder, and how you feel about it. It feels sort of “icky” to me, but it’s kind of a distraction.
    CJ (in Germany) sent me a text asking “how are you doing?” I’m feeling sad, angry and alone, so I believe that is exactly what my response should be. Would you all agree? Before Rori, I would have said “Oh just great!” hahaha. It feels so great to be able to stop, feel my feelings, and then respond appropriately. I do struggle with how to respond to some messages that don’t ask a question. (((Indigo))) thank you for your thoughts on that!!
    Have a lovely day!!



  163.  #163Victoria on June 14, 2016 at 6:30 am

    Alli,
    I think you can say “I’m feeling sad, angry and alone”. You can also say “I am considering Tinder”. What harm can it make?



  164.  #164Grace on June 14, 2016 at 7:11 am

    Liquid Light – I appreciate your fierce, protective energy, thank you!

    I confided in a friend at work, who said, “I can solve this problem right now. He doesn’t work here, he has no business here, problem solved.” He knows Lanky and as far as I know, called him to tell him not to come to the shop anymore, he has the authority to do that.

    I don’t feel like I need a therapist for this, I’ve been honest with myself and learned a lot. I’m going to stick with EMK’s view that it’s not who we attract, it’s who we accept and appreciate the clarity I got on what I’m willing to tolerate and accept in the future. Honestly, though, since I was completely honest about my thoughts and feelings, including realizing how EXHAUSTING it was quickly becoming once all of the weirdness started coming up, I don’t feel worried that I will feel attracted to that again. Compared to how I used to row the boat about 150% of the time, I would say I only leaned forward about 10% and I feel really good about that. I got in touch with feelings I was unconsciously avoiding or unable to handle by leaning forward and rowing the boat in the past, and I appreciate the triggers. Some of the ICK felt intolerable and unbearable, and, I feel proud that I stayed with myself even in all of the ick and fear and pleasure and yum much much more often than not.

    I feel pretty resilient and excited to get out and be dating again, I’ve been learning a lot from EMK lately about some of the naive beliefs and bad dating habits I’ve had. In some ways, *I* have been immature so it would make sense that I’d be attracted to immature men and I feel happy to be updating my beliefs and behaviors!

    Speaking of which – the “calm’ CD has begun turning weird. Yesterday he saw a mosquito on my back, told me to stand still, and then WHACKED it, HARD. I told him Oh H3LL to the no! That was unnecessary! That stings! I don’t like that! I don’t like being hit! Ick ick ick! I’d rather have a mosquito bite! It was totally too much force and he felt TERRIBLE after, he couldn’t apologize enough, but I feel weirded out now, because he has punched me on the shoulder ‘guy style’ a couple of times and I’ve told him, that hurts and is too much. At first I thought he doesn’t know his own strength, but now I’m feeling like there is something not right going on and I am considering canceling our date for Thursday night.



  165.  #165Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Feminine Woman…
    Thank you for the pat on the back!!! It feels good!
    It was because of a comment you made to me 2 years ago
    when I was dating a man… After 4 months of exclusivity…
    and a disagreement we had…
    he disappeared for 3 weeks… he did text off and on… wanted to talk… and then would change his mind…
    So finally he agreed and by then- I was soooo P**sed I didn’t want to talk
    I wanted to do my “regular stuff” and walk away…
    You said “It would be so important for you, Azure, to settle into this and have your script ready AND LISTEN to what he says!”

    All my life I had run away from important conversations
    because I was soooooo VERY FRIGHTENED of MY feelings
    and the MANS feelings!
    I did what you suggested… I talked to that CD –
    I really didn’t want to get back together…
    He did… BUT
    It built my self confidence sooooo much…
    for ME to stand with MY Boundaries…
    ask for what I wanted –
    share how much I did like our time together…
    AND LISTEN to him…
    I have been able to have those difficult – but intimacy building
    AND self confidence building
    talks ever since!
    Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you
    FW I am forever grateful for that!



  166.  #166Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 8:58 am

    LoverGirl,
    Soooo very good to hear your beautiful, stong Siren Song
    here on Siren Island!!
    You do sound so very amazing!!
    When I was a single parent working a full time job and several part time ones
    and my children were middle school and up…
    I found it very difficult to fit in a man…
    That age they needed me much more than I had ever realized-
    as a steady- strong, light house
    for them to lean on (even though they didn’t act like it!!!)
    and find their way back home!!!
    When they were out of the house… I was ready, and had time (and yes I did go through “empty nest” for sure!!! I had time and the heart to start dating again!!!
    Easier to find men who were willing to be with me, after the children were raised!!
    :-))
    So Glad you are getting closer to your Promotion!!!
    oxoxo



  167.  #167Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 9:02 am

    ((((Grace))))
    Wow!!! I love to hear how your growth is taking you to MORE Quality men!!
    I can already see it… with being able to see the TRUTH about Lanky
    and seeing an aggressive behavior that seems to be a pattern with “Calm” CD…
    THIS is HUGE!!!

    How wonderful that your collegue has spoken to that punk a*s and told him to stay away!!
    Yay, Grace!!!
    You are Rocking the Diva World, Girl!!!



  168.  #168Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 9:09 am

    Ali #162
    Authenticity and vulnerability is what builds self esteem!!!
    I feel that sharing YOUR truth would be a great practice for your growth…
    “I’m feeling sad, angry and alone.”
    Hear what he says after you say that… and then you might want to share
    what You Do Want in a relationship… “that he doesn’t seem to have time for a relationship, and so I am going to date others (go on Tender…)”



  169.  #169Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 9:14 am

    Victoria #157
    Ohhh… lovely Goddess… thank you for those words of praise… they wash over me like warm sunshine.
    Yes, I used get sooo angry about things that upset me… No one could hear a word I said
    cause they were so upset from my yelling…
    It has taken years of therapy, reading self help books and now the Rori tools
    teaching me how to REALLY LOVE MYSELF!!
    that is why I don’t blank out anymore from feelings…
    Ahhh.. the Rori tools have given me MY LIFE!!!



  170.  #170Grace on June 14, 2016 at 9:22 am

    Awww, Azure, thank you!

    I’m noticing that what feels like the difference that has made the difference this time around with all that chemistry, is that I wasn’t medicating my feelings with food, booze or pot so I couldn’t deny how bad that sh!t was making me feel. I thought pot was helping me in the 6 years with several after 5, but it was really just making an unbearable relationship bearable for small stretches at a time.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on June 14, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Grace this not to encourage you to not cancel the date, however it is likely that he does not know his strength. Also that I kind of see this as him being protective, especially with all the recent talk about the Zika virus I’d rather take the hit then walk away than take the chance with getting that virus.



  172.  #172Liquid Light on June 14, 2016 at 11:06 am

    Hi Grace

    I’m so glad to hear that your friend is helping you with this and has told Lanky to not stop by your workplace. Its great to get other people involved, aware and helping you with this tricky situation. Your safety is the most important thing!

    Regarding the other CD, if you do decide to go on the date, be sure that you meet in a public place and that you don’t drive anywhere with him, meet him there. My coach gave me these rules for dating. She said that shouldn’t drive anywhere with a new CD until 4 dates, because once you are in their car, they can take you anywhere. I would also be very cautious with him, and observe his behavior. I commend you for being a bit leery, you are feeling that something is off, your intuition is speaking to you, and its very likely something is off. If you do go out with him I would observe what he does/says to confirm or not if there is something off.

    My coach also really recommends that women listen to their intuition. So often we second guess ourselves and override these feelings. But our intuition is very often right. My intuition kept speaking to me over and over again with my ex, whenever he brought up some weird threatening story (many times), I would make excuses for it and override my feelings of “This is really weird/off sounding”

    Anyway, good luck Grace. Was so glad to read your post today – you sound much better, and more grounded! 🙂



  173.  #173Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 11:13 am

    Grace… I too medicated myself with alcohol and pot for YEARS when I was younger… my feelings were sooooo overwhelming… I quit pot years ago… and am careful with alcohol…
    You are so right… I can hear my feelings and my intuition much easier now.
    It’s a process!



  174.  #174Liquid Light on June 14, 2016 at 11:44 am

    Grace,

    Just one more thing…

    I really don’t like the hitting stuff with your new CD either. This can be a way to test you to see how much you will tolerate. If you go along, and he is testing you, then he will feel that its OK to escalate it in the future. This is how abusers work. I’m not saying that he’s an abuser but this could be a red flag.

    Also, my coach said that men know its wrong to hit a woman. They’ve learned this from a very early age since they were children that its wrong to hit girls. There’s no way that he’s not aware of this and that he doesn’t know on a very fundamental level that its wrong to do that.



  175.  #175Grace on June 14, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    Well, as far as DJCD goes, he felt terrible, he apologized so much I felt tired of hearing him apologize and he sent me a text later apologizing *again*, saying how bad he felt and he would never do anything like that again without consent.

    I’m going to not think about it for a little while and come back to it later, ha.

    It’s so funny to see this theme of *immature * in most of the men I’ve been associating with for a while… I see now how To, the former roomie, and the next landlord, and their whole circle of friends reek if immaturity. I didn’t really get it until now. No wonder it felt so icky sometimes. Blech.

    Maybe I need to pour love on my own immaturity, see what happens.



  176.  #176Liquid Light on June 14, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Well, an apology is only words. Doesn’t really mean much. Of course he apologized, he had to, because you called him on it. And good for you for doing that! His apology was the only way for him to see you again. If you hadn’t said anything he wouldn’t have apologized.

    He would never do anything like that again without consent??? WHAT??? So if its OK with you, then he’ll hit you again!!??

    Men will tell you exactly who they are and what they mean…he’s telling you exactly who he is…Its up to us to listen! If we go along, then we are giving them consent. That’s how they interpret it.



  177.  #177Femininewoman on June 14, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Wise choice Grace, not to go with the automatic negative response but to give yourself pause. In any event he is a stranger that you really don’t have any investment in anyway so you can take it as a learning experience both how you react to such things and how a guy could possibly react. Thank goodness your life nor future is hinged on this one experience.



  178.  #178January Jones on June 14, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Thank you femininewoman for your input on feeling messages. You made me feel like I knew what I was doing because that is how I understood the use of feeling messages too 🙂



  179.  #179Azure Blu on June 14, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    Grace…
    on the subject of immaturity… I too was attracting immature men…
    and actually, when i first met and was dating Spirit he was playful – but in a much too childish way…
    As I continued love ME more… growing my self esteem… becoming comfortable with standing by my boundaries… I began acting more mature…
    I have always been playful… but I started realizing it was very child like…

    about a year ago we were on a date and we were kidding around…
    he said. “I’m like a 16 year old!” with pride!! He had said that off an on since we met!
    I said to him… “Spirit, 16 year old? that feels scary to me… I want a man who is all grown up!!” He NEVER said it again!! So nice that he does listen!



  180.  #180Grace on June 14, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    FeminineWoman – thank you for your perspective! I’m not going to dwell on it and I’ll feel it out tomorrow when I see him again.

    Liquid Light – whoa…oh my I so so so so SO appreciate how protective you are being, AND, I’ve known DJCD since March. He and I work together and have spent many many hours together, often alone in a vehicle or alone in the shop together. It’s good to remind myself it’s out of character, that it’s possibly just feeling freaked out because I’m feeling extra touchy because of the Lanky experience. Twisting the apology around and picking apart what he means by ‘consent’ feels like emotional combat to me and doesn’t feel right to me to interpret that way. Ok, given the Lanky stuff my judgment could be off but again, I have known him for months and spent dozens of hours alone with him. We have different relationship and life goals so it isn’t a long-term thing but we have some common creative interests we are interested in collaborating on so…I’ll keep you posted. 🙂



  181.  #181Liquid Light on June 14, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    Grace,

    You’re welcome. The reason I’m being like this is because I didn’t have anyone who did this for me when I went through hell with my ex 3+ years ago. I even went to a “therapist” who was absolutely clueless and minimized what happened to me and made excuses for him. (When he was making bizarre and violent threats towards me over and over again..) I really needed someone to hear me and communicate to me how dangerous and threatening he was. But nobody did.

    I know it may not be a popular to thing to say among some people, but our culture teaches us women to do this – to minimize threatening and abusive speech and behavior, and make excuses for it and to question our intuition. We need people to tell us to trust our intuition, not ignore it!!

    I so wish I had someone like my current coach back then. It would have saved me so much time (years) pining for the creep. So embarrassed and angry at myself that I wasted so much time on him 🙁



  182.  #182Millie on June 14, 2016 at 10:06 pm

    I’m feeling like I have trapped myself. I feel like I’m in a cage.

    I want to get out of this cage, but I feel scared.
    I want to date, but I don’t feel like going out.
    I want to date, but the thought of trying again online makes my stomach feel queasy.
    I want to date, but I don’t feel beautiful with my hair this short.
    I want to date, but dating doesn’t sound fun.
    Dating feels like opening myself up to judgement, opening myself up to be criticized, opening myself up to be treated poorly and like a sexual object.
    I’ve realized so much about myself lately– I see how I sabotage relationships and situations in my life so I can control them. Subconsciously I’d rather be in pain because it is familiar and controllable. I sabotage relationships to keep people at arm’s length because deep down I want to be in control. I feel scared that I will push away good people. I feel scared this quality is unlovable and that even the best men will not be able to love me, I will only be a friend they take pity on and think is strange. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I feel love for others and am scared they don’t see it because of how I act and how not self-loving I can be. When I realize these things about myself, I want to share them and be loved anyway.
    I want to date, but I feel like I have nothing to talk about.
    I want to date, but I don’t feel light and fun.
    I want to experience miracles and feel my reality shifting. I want to shift it. But I’m scared. Once I let people in, I run the risk of losing them again. Sure, it feels good when someone is attracted to you and showers you with attention, but is it real? It could all be taken away in a heartbeat. I know that is not the “right” attitude to have, but it’s so hard for me to let go of. Cynicism. One of my friends said the other day “it is what it is.” I remember when I first heard that phrase spoken to me by an ex and it crushed me. That statement says to me: “don’t ask for more, take what you are given.” It is not a statement of light, it is a statement of darkness, to me. It is someone who has given up. It took me a long time to understand what that meant, and now when my friend said it, I felt really sad for him. Like his childlike enthusiasm has been flushed down the toilet by some adult and now he is parroting that line in some effort of fake comfort to soothe the blow of reality. If that makes sense…that’s how it feels to me. “It is what it is,” is a statement I don’t like to hear. It’s a statement TOLD to people, not born organically and independently.

    So anyway, I feel trapped. I’m afraid that if I really let my light out, and believe what I want will actually come to me, I will explode. First I will cry, then I will combust, because it will be too great to bear. Similar to what happens in Like Water for Chocolate when Tita and Pedro finally make love and the barn burns down and he has a heart attack. My heart will explode if I let my body fully experience the sensation of simply loving, and being, and having everything easily. My chest hurts just writing this.



  183.  #183Millie on June 15, 2016 at 12:41 am

    I can’t sleep.
    I drank coffee when I got home from work, which was a mistake. I wanted to though because I made cold brew for the first time!! It came out really good!! I loooove making things from scratch!
    Staying up and reading lots of posts and getting inspired.
    Shifting beliefs
    shifting beliefs
    shifting beliefs
    I am enough
    I have all of the love and safety I need within myself
    I am love
    No one can reject me
    I am worthy of love
    Everything I want is possible
    I don’t have to condemn myself to isolation and penance
    What is meant to be will be



  184.  #184IamHis on June 15, 2016 at 1:05 am

    I feel devastated. Up in the middle of the night, missing him, coming to a more accurate conclusion of what happened.

    I sabotage my own relationships before they have a chance to begin; right when they should be beginning.

    I blame it on the men, on circumstances, what ifs.

    I treat men horribly, blow up small issues, push them away.

    They always look small. It always confuses me and makes me feel so sad and scared and angry. And superior to then. And inferior to them.

    These huge, beautiful kind men who were or are trying to love me. It’s like I hate them for it or it’s never enough or I confront them when I know it’s already too late for us.

    Should it ever be too late? Should they be able to move on if they are the man for me?



  185.  #185IamHis on June 15, 2016 at 1:17 am

    They write me off as crazy because I am crazy.

    Or they miss me and I can see they miss me and I hate them for missing me and not being with me. And words? What words? There’s never any words for what I put them through or the impossible things I expect from them to prove their love to me…someone I won’t let get close enough to even really know me.

    He knew me. & he did (still does? Can’t?) love me.

    He was the only guy who knew I cared about him before I did….and called me out on it…before I was ready to even admit it to myself!!!

    & it made me so mad. I was in denial. I kept wondering why he kept “accusing” me of being in love with him, or telling people that my feelings were the reason I was “making up” what he did to me.



  186.  #186January Jones on June 15, 2016 at 5:23 am

    Milie – “I sabotage relationships to keep people at arm’s length because deep down I want to be in control. ”

    I feel that I do that as well. I am probably safe saying a lot of women do this. Control… Control.. Control…
    I am trying to keep the only outlet for control to be at work 🙂

    Although, I slipped last night in regards to my feeling messages. I was half asleep and my hubby came in to tell me something I felt everyone knew, but now that the neighbourg told him he believes it. I snapped and said Really everyone knows that how can you not know that… and then proceeded to attack my neighbourg verbally. I could see in his eyes I guess fear of starting an argument so he said softly : “I didn’t know this, I’ve only started a couple weeks ago… I don’t know.” and then he retreated to the living room… I had a Oh no moment … I snapped at him and then I fell asleep within minutes.

    I will just umm continue on my path of using feeling messages and hope to continue connecting with him.
    I don’t feel afraid. I do feel like I said something childish and immature. A real classy woman would never speak like this.
    Anyways, today is another day ! I am off to work. I will check in later. 😉

    Keep being feminine ! Hardest part for me… I always resort to fight and do not picture myself as being soft. That’s going to change.



  187.  #187Grace on June 15, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Liquid Light – yes, I get it, and I feel so much appreciation, thank you! It definitely helped me to remember to trust my intuition.

    It has been interesting, though, to be conscious of the gut feeling and do something against it anyway, because I got to see what the feelings were telling me. Once I had a bad feeling about meeting up with Lanky but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to seem crazy and flip-floppy, but he ended up not showing up and then I understood what my gut was telling me. Another time, he asked me to have lunch with him, and I said, “Hmmm…I feel happy that you asked, and, it just doesn’t feel quite right,” and he said, “Yeah, it doesn’t feel right to me either.” So, it was a mutual thing, but he would have either gone through with it and we both would have felt sh!tty, or something would have come up and he wouldn’t have been able to make it, or…who knows…

    So, I do have a funky feeling about going out with DJCD, and I don’t know what it is, it could be something super simple like my intuition telling me that the timing just isn’t right for reasons I don’t understand just yet. It also doesn’t feel quite right to call him and cancel, so I will probably see him at work today and say something, which feels more right and natural.



  188.  #188Femininewoman on June 15, 2016 at 6:52 am

    Attacking your neighbor is an indication that you do attack yourself. If you can become aware of this and start changing your internal voice to yourself and empathize with your humanity I believe these incidents will become less and less.



  189.  #189Femininewoman on June 15, 2016 at 7:04 am

    Kim are you gonna update us on your wedding progress?

    How about your soon to be sister-in-law?



  190.  #190Millie on June 15, 2016 at 7:33 am

    IamHis– What do you do exactly to sabotage these relationships?

    January Jones– Ah! I just read a great newsletter about women being jealous and vicious in their thoughts about other women. If you feel comfortable sharing your email, I will forward it to you because I’m not sure where to find it online. Or perhaps I can post a portion of it here. I found it very enlightening.

    So, last night in my caffeine induced insomnia, I made an online dating profile! On this VERY niche site, that is right up my alley. It is kind of humorous actually and makes me smile and laugh just to think about it! The type of man I am looking for would be on this site, however there aren’t many of them– the pool is a lot smaller than would be on POF or other ones I’ve used before. So, we will see what happens! I’ve realized too that I need more/better pictures. It would be fun to have some girlfriends and have them take pics of me doing different things that I love.

    I have an insecurity that my voice on the blog is very childish and repetitive. I have an insecurity that readers roll their eyes when my screen name pops up. 🙁
    This must mean I feel self-conscious about my own voice and I know it is repetative and not growing in the way I want. I talk in circles, at least I feel like I do.



  191.  #191Liquid Light on June 15, 2016 at 9:20 am

    Grace,

    It sound like your intuition is telling you something, but you’re not quite sure what yet. That’s good. It’s an opportunity to sit back and observe this man’s behavior and actions and let those speak for themselves. I would just make sure that you are 100% safe situation with him at all times and then observe.

    You really don’t have to do much at all, or say much at all, its your chance to just be a very close observer and researcher (as my coach would say :). If anything “weird” comes up, note it, and file it away. Or say something to him right then and there. “Why did you say x”, or “What do you mean by y?” Always good to get as much information as possible. Then you can think about it later when you have time. And also share it here or with other friends. It’s always good to not stay in your own head with this stuff (that was my mistake with my ex) and get some outside perspective. Run it by other people and find out if it sounds off or weird to them, that’s always a good thing to do…

    But don’t sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn’t happen or write it off. That’s what I did with my ex over and over again. Big mistake. It came back and bit me hard later!



  192.  #192Azure Blu on June 15, 2016 at 9:36 am

    ((((Millie))))
    Vulnerable, beautiful, amazing YOU!!
    Absolutely NO you aren’t anymore repetitive than the rest of us here on Siren Island!!
    Darling, I repeat myself ALLLLL the time…
    Your growth is wunderous… and thank you for being so authentic and sharing your
    journey here!!
    You must know how helpful it is for ALL of us to read how you feel,
    hear how you process and grow…

    YES to new pictures in your online profile…
    when I got serious and started having my picture taken
    wherever I went (on my cell phone) I came up with some great photos…
    which made all the difference in the Quality of men –
    of course there were plenty of ones I wasn’t interested in ….
    I like the idea of being on a site that is primarily men whom you are looking for…
    may take a little longer, but you won’t be worn down by the “bottom feeders”! :-))

    Another thought… I went years NOT dating…
    if that is how you’re feeling Honor YOU and be compassionate and gentle with YOU…
    You, darling Millie, have a kind and innocent heart…
    which deserves your unconditional LOVE!
    Although I know Rori and other coaches advocate getting out there cause we learn
    so much about ourselves with the “Free Therapy”



  193.  #193Femininewoman on June 15, 2016 at 9:54 am

    Millie I always read your posts and I’ve never once sensed those things in your writing. I certainly don’t roll my eyes. Talk in circles???? blink blink. I’ve never noticed that



  194.  #194Strawberry on June 15, 2016 at 11:47 am

    I hope it is ok if I jump in with a question. Me and my boyfriend of 2.5 years are at an impasse. I am deciding if I want to break up with him or tell him I want to circular date. Is there a script for me to use with him to tell him I want to circular date? I am not looking to get married to anyone right now. But things are not working for us and after weeks of trying to communicate how I feel and being rebuffed I have no energy or desire to “fix” things. Any help would be appreciated!



  195.  #195Kim on June 15, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    FW…so nice of you to think of me!
    I am in fact just collapsing at home after my bridal shower last night and spending a whole day sightseeing with my parents. What wedding lol.
    Just catching up on things here while taking a little rest of everything to do.
    I have so much to do, pack etc. no time to get nervous. My fiance is so cute and excited…I never thought he would be so enthusiastic!
    Eh. Not heard much from the sister…I am trying to focus on the good stuff right now and I have so many loving and wonderful friends…I am sure there will be a hiccup but I am just going to be very classy about everything…and get through it with a smile!
    He asked me to give her one of my books…I don’t understand, maybe so she has something to read – because she hasn’t made any communication other than defriend me from facebook. As far as I am concerned it’s not my job to supply her with gifts. He is welcome to one if that is something he wants to do…I am not bending over backwards for anyone who is rude to me, those days are over and gone. I will be polite and civil but that’s it!
    Very excited, only 3 more days!
    Will update you all…it’s been a nice journey so far 🙂
    xoxoxo



  196.  #196MissStix on June 15, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    I feel intense. I feel liquid, gooey, heavy. I feel panicked. Tummy roiling.
    I feel complete apprehension. Fight or flight.
    I blame myself for twisting myself up into this tightness using thoughts, fears.
    My mind seems like it’s running away from me…Taking off in a direction I judge as flakey, careless, extreme, not grounded, not solid, rash.
    Running forwards, backwards, round and round in circles until I don’t quite know which way is up or if this was triggered by intuition or if this triggered a feeling akin to intuition. Sabotage masquerading as intuition…
    No no no I can not follow THAT particular plan of approach.
    What do I want? What do I want…What is my job?
    I feel…

    ..
    F*cked up is what I feel. Love to my f*cked up-ness. Love to my fears. Slathering love butter all over my heavenly body. All over my earthly body. Remembering the 2 are each belonging to both the heavens and the earth and slathering them both, as one, with love.
    Reminders…
    This life…This body I occupy, this space in time and emotion, this experience is one of experiencing and learning.
    Doing nothing is is often the most productive approach. Many things will happen beautifully on their own but not if I meddle.

    Breathe into my body. Inhale harmony, exhale chaos. My vision of exhaling chaos feels powerful. Yet not…
    I have so much inside me.

    Seeking something to do…Something that falls under the category of nothing.
    Relax here for a while.
    Drink cider.
    I’ve got nothing beyond that…
    Good good.



  197.  #197MissStix on June 15, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    This is so good.
    Nothing.
    I question how I became so much all at once.
    Master of nothing.
    Master of the chill life. The laid back life.
    I imagine diving into the water without testing it.
    I don’t like it…
    I imagine sitting on the edge of the dock lazily dangling my feet into the water. I feel relaxed there, on the edge of the dock. The water feels nice of my toes and the sunshine warm on my skin.
    Slow momentum swinging my legs.
    Leaned back feeling soft and smiley.
    And I know the water can’t just rush up and haul me in… It can tempt me, invite me, seduce me with it’s shimmering surface and cool depths.
    Maybe I might take a dip if i’m feeling warm enough.
    I feel easy now… spent and relaxed.



  198.  #198Femininewoman on June 15, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    Oooo lala Kim So very exciting



  199.  #199Mandy on June 15, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Sorry I’ve been gone so long, I really am not sure why I have, just been in a weird spot mentally and emotionally.

    Checking in….

    I feel….pretty hurt after getting humiliated by a CD. Felt like a doormat recently. And someone who was supposed to be my friend let it happen.

    It’s like uh, ok…I feel angry…

    The anger was making it ao I couldn’t sleep last night…

    So I journal-ed out what I was pissed about and it was just humiliation on account of not one but two people who may both be Narcissists.

    So ah, I’m licking my wounds. Doesn’t stop any men or anyone for that matter from calling me beautiful inside and out. That and I know I feel bad but at least I don’t feel NUMB. that’s the worst feeling ever in my book…

    Love Mandy



  200.  #200Millie on June 15, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    Femininewoman and Azure–

    Thank you! I feel better knowing I don’t sound that way at all.

    I feel so much better today, like the cloud of my self-doubt has burnt off allowing the sun to shine through. It feels good to let myself be excited about life, about love, about me. What if I did trust the universe that wonderful things will happen? What if I was good enough for it all, the day I was born? I never had to “do” or “prove” anything. I exist and therefore I am worthy of all I desire. I even made two more online profiles, so I’m on three sites. One I paid for, one is free, the third I should pay for to get full access, but I want to feel it out first. I’m seeing my friend T on Friday night and I feel so excited to see him. He is so special to me, I love feeling my light shine around him and I don’t like it when we quarrel and there is weird space in our relationship. I have to say even though he is much younger and I am often times reminded of it, there are times, most of the time, where I feel very taken care of by him, and I don’t see him as his age, I see him as masculine energy and me the feminine energy. That is how I see our dynamic and I know he feels it too.

    Ahh ok hoping I can hold on to this feeling and remember it. Sweet, innocent, light… endearing, soft, hopeful, believing and trusting.

    I wonder what my life would feel like if I truly allowed myself to believe everything is ok, will be ok… I think I would be an amazing force of light. All that energy spent on putting myself down, turned around to elevating me up…and on top of that I already know I can physically accomplish anything I want, so once the emotional and mental blocks have been removed…I will be more of myself than I ever have been.



  201.  #201Victoria on June 16, 2016 at 12:24 am

    Millie,
    I love how authentic you are here, sharing your worries and feelings and insecurities. I think sharing the insecurities and thoughts which would be labeled childish out of this blog is in fact the best thing about this blog. Sharing our true, uncensored and unpolished selves is the only way we can show each other that we are ok, we are human, and we all bleed when our skin is cut.
    I particularly like what you just said: I wonder what my life would feel like if I truly allowed myself to believe everything is ok, will be ok. I love this. I will try to live today allowing myself to belive that everything will be ok, and on top of that, that great things are about to happen to me!



  202.  #202Azure Blu on June 16, 2016 at 5:52 am

    Kim!!! Ahhhh… lovely one… the wedding is coming up!!
    I saw those lovely pictures of you and your mom and dad sightseeing!!! Sooo happy they are there with you and
    it’s your dad birthday also!!
    How cool that MoM is so happy and enthusiastic about the upcoming nuptuals!! (I always wanted to say that!)
    Happy Happy Happy Day!! kisses and hugss!



  203.  #203Femininewoman on June 16, 2016 at 6:39 am

    Millie – “I truly allowed myself to believe”

    As far as I am concerned it is a choice. So I allow myself moments in time where I just choose to believe for believing sake. For the sake of practice. Even though sometimes I can sense in the background a voice arguing with the belief, I ask myself why not. What is there to step me from believing anyway. Even if it is in one moment of the day as I daydream. One moment in time.



  204.  #204Kim on June 16, 2016 at 6:45 am

    Azure and FW thank you so much xoxo
    (I will report later…it’s all crazy right now lol)



  205.  #205Femininewoman on June 16, 2016 at 8:53 am

    ((((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))))))))



  206.  #206Tee on June 16, 2016 at 10:52 am

    I hope you guys dont mine but I felt inspired to share this here
    🙂
    This is for ALL of us ladies but (I guess) specifically for those who always feel like she can’t compete with HER or whoever your version of HER is. I wrote this for myself as well. I’m always discounting myself, my personality, my traits, etc because I’m always comparing myself to HER. So here it goes —————

    Hey Pretty Girl,

    You are beautiful and unique all on your own.

    Your smile is contagious, and you have the type of laugh that makes others wanna join in.

    You’re not the girl trying to get all of the guys attention with your seductive “Look at Me” aggression.

    You’re magnetic in your mystery. Enchanting in your stillness. An electric quietness in a world full of useless noise.

    Your sly grin & soulful eyes say that you hold ALL of the secrets of the world, still you won’t tell.

    You have a confidence that is raw yet understated, like the sure-footed walk of a Lioness who knows that she has the entire pride at her back, but she can handle her own nonetheless.

    You are elegant fire & creative wind.

    You are Cleopatra in golden stardust.

    Nefertiti in diamond perfection.

    You are beautiful.
    You are unique.
    You are royalty.
    You are Bad 😉



  207.  #207Liquid Light on June 16, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    Kim

    This is such great news! And so exciting! Enjoy your day, girl! You deserve it!!

    Woohoooo!!!!



  208.  #208Liquid Light on June 16, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    Millie 199

    Yes to all of this! You are so on the right track! Love this! Keep it up!!! 🙂



  209.  #209MissStix on June 16, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Tee

    I love that poetry 🙂 I feel powerful just reading it.



  210.  #210Femininewoman on June 16, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Thanks T. I love the imagery of the Lioness



  211.  #211Azure Blu on June 16, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    !!!Tee!!!
    Wow…. this is just so sparkly and deep as an indigo night!!
    I’m copying into my archives and reading it Everyday!!
    Thanks for Sharing, Lioness!!
    oxoxo



  212.  #212Tee on June 16, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    Thanks ladies. I need to read it everyday too 🙂



  213.  #213Liquid Light on June 16, 2016 at 4:20 pm

    MIssStix 195 and 196

    Love what you posted. Seems like you really have got the hang of being siren! 🙂

    “Doing nothing is is often the most productive approach. Many things will happen beautifully on their own but not if I meddle.:”

    Love this!!! Thanks for posting!



  214.  #214MissStix on June 16, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light 🙂



  215.  #215Grace on June 16, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    Out with DJCD, posting from the bathroom… Dyyyyyyyyyying at how easy this is omg omg omg happythankyoumoreplease!



  216.  #216MissStix on June 16, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Today i’m feeling … growth. And… reflective.
    Some anticipation. Of what? Hmmm
    I feel like a big rubber ball.
    Bouncing from wall to wall.
    Can I just let that happen? Hah Just like…Be a ball. Bouncing. And f*ck it. This is what I am right now.
    And still do nothing at all.
    I can see myself as another human and just tell myself “hey…I see you’re a big rubber ball. That’s so great! I love you.”
    Love injection! Just as I loved on myself someone else loved on me and then I loved all over him… nice.
    Love really does attract love.



  217.  #217Millie on June 16, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    Thank you Liquid Light, Femininewoman, and Victoria!!

    Every time I go back online, I see things differently. I would say I’m not putting as much weight on it as I have done in the past. I came across several men’s profiles that sounded like and looked like they match what I am looking for, but one didn’t continue the conversation and the other hadn’t been online in months. Not making any judgements about it this time, it just is.

    Feeling a HUGE curiosity forming about M tonight. How is his dating/relationship life going? How is he? How is work? Ohh I want to ask him all of these things, and I won’t, because I’ve gone two and a half months now with no contact and I want to keep going. I want to break the cycle. Having learned a lot, I know that I am in love with him, my body is…chemically bonded. The only thing that will break that is being apart and not speaking to him for a steady and long period of time. It is so crazy that physical pull I feel, but I think now I have begun to understand why it is there and appreciate the animalistic feelings that I feel…despite knowing he isn’t the right guy. But you know, I was chemically bonded to a man previously for six years…and looking back- I wasted a lot of energy on someone that would NEVER by my Mr. Right. Not because I wasn’t amazing, or beautiful, or wonderful, or anything…I could have been the most feminine siren in the world and this man would not have been able to give me the relationship I wanted. Seeing that, does make me want to choose to not “indulge” on my feelings for M. They are there, and they will be for awhile, and it is painful…. but a day will come when he will be to me what that other man became. Just someone who was never right to begin with. And at the end of the day something like that really has nothing to do with being high or low value…although we (I) made it more painful and long-lasting that it had to be, because I chose to be low value. Maybe value is something we choose as well. It’s not inherent. I don’t want to choose low value anymore. As curious as I am about M’s life… I choose to be curious about myself first. I choose not to be a “clinger,” not to be the girl who will keep seeking him out, while he puts no effort forth. I choose not put myself at risk. I choose to be safe.



  218.  #218Victoria on June 17, 2016 at 12:42 am

    Millie,
    I am very impressed with your growth here.
    Reading what you wrote, I recognize some of my own patterns, and my propensity to think that I found myself (after a certain amount of years) in a relationship with someone who was never right to begin with. And the thing is, I think this line of thinking has lead me to the path of beating myself for not being able to jugde whether the man was going to be right for me from the get-go, or for ignoring the read flags, for not exiting the relationship earlier, and I find myself munching over the past, and it gets me nowhere. Nowadays I tend to think that actually there is no way to know whether someone is right or not until you spend a reasonable amount of time with them, and that red flags are simply a construction of our mind, which has the ability to repeatedly self-inflict pain, and that we can consciously choose to reframe our interpretation of events or other people’s behavior in a manner which is not hurting ourselves (the Work by Byron Katie).
    As to your situation with M., it seems to me you have your boy energy idle, and you need to give your boy energy a “job” so that he can get busy and allow the girl to relax.



  219.  #219Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 3:04 am

    Morning sirens,

    I am really, really happy in my relationship with J. We are very similar and our relationship is easy and flowing and we are extremely in love and comfortable. We never fight, we spend tons of time together and we are really loving and affectionate. I never feel insecure and I have never been so happy. We just seem to instinctively understand one another.

    I’ve got one thing though that I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle. J does battle with anxiety and trust issues – this is stemming from his past and childhood, and he has come a long way in dealing with it. Like I have, which is why I think we get along so well, we understand each other. He knows his anxiety has nothing to do with me, and he knows I am completely trustworthy. But sometimes little things will set him off. Like for example last Saturday night, completely due to bad planning on my part, I had to return a cable that I’d borrowed from a (guy) friend. This guy never has and never will mean anything to me, and is quite frankly not even that much of a friend at the moment. I returned the cable while I was still at J’s house, in his presence. Also on Tuesday night I went round to a girlfriend’s house for tea and girl talk with her and another girlfriend for a couple of hours, under the apparently mistaken impression that J needed to work that night.

    Both these instances were completely inconsequential in my book, but both seemed to spark J’s nasty voices. He did not shout or snap at me, but I could tell he was deeply panicked. Actually he had panic attacks on both occasions, but he knows there was nothing to worry about. I am of course left feeling like I need to reassure him, and of course it has made me aware of being a little more sensitive. He’s had a lot of trauma in his past which I won’t go into, and yes he is getting help for these issues, and this kind of thing very rarely happens. The vast majority of the time things are lovely and easygoing and fun.

    But any ideas on how to deal with this? A boyfriend who tends to anxiety or jealousy?



  220.  #220Victoria on June 17, 2016 at 4:36 am

    Indigo,
    What exactly do you mean by “he had panick attacks””?



  221.  #221Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 5:22 am

    An intense anxiety spell, Victoria.

    I myself have had mild ones, although they have lessened massively over the last couple of years. Really just intense anxiety.

    It’s not so much the panic attack itself, which I can’t really do anything about, as knowing how to reassure a man like this, who is prone to jealousy or low level anxiety related to trust or separation… or if I need to reassure him at all?



  222.  #222MissStix on June 17, 2016 at 5:40 am

    Indigo

    If it were me in your position I wouldn’t reassure him. I might sink into my warmest, meltiest, most open self. Listen if he wants to talk about it and just generally continue to allow my energy and actions to support his knowing I am trustworthy.
    I have panic attacks myself and they do suck and yet I know I can survive them without any attention or reassurance so I would have to trust and allow the man to cope in his way without my help.
    If he asked for help I would ask “what kind of help do you need?” And do my best to meet that need.



  223.  #223Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 5:46 am

    Thanks MissStix 🙂 I really enjoyed your comment and how it made me feel.

    It is probably just my people-pleasing mode kicking in, and my empathy too, which makes me feel like I need to “fix” something, which is probably something I need to work on, so thank you.



  224.  #224MissStix on June 17, 2016 at 6:44 am

    🙂 Good



  225.  #225Victoria on June 17, 2016 at 7:04 am

    Indigo,
    I differ greatly from what MissStix has said. Firstly, I have not had panick attacks, so I am not sure exactly people mean by that (but I do hear it more and more often from people, it becoming a household name for an undefined condition). So, I may be less qualified to give opinion, but still.
    I think that J. being anxious about your absense has nothing to do with whether you are trustworthy or not. He has simply been deprived of your attention/presence. Did you see the most recent video on EMK’s blog? The nice lady there said “our presence is the biggest gift we give others”. If he is as crazy for you as you describe it, of course he will be possessive and jealous. This is definitely how I am when I am madly in love! And, when I am madly in love and deprived from my beloved’s attention, the easiest way to make me happy/relaxed/satisfied is to give me love, reassurance and affection. “”I love you so much, you are my most, most favorite person in the world, I prefer your company to everybody’s elses”” are the words that work magic for me.
    So, I subscribe to the school of thought which says, if the baby is crying, pick up the baby, kiss and caress, and provide reassurance until baby begins to smile. There is another school of thought, which says, leave baby alone, even if crying, and allow him to learn to entertain himself, or he will become a tyrant, occupying all your times.
    Last but not least, there is good guidance in the words “treat others the way you would like to be treated”. How would you like to be treated?



  226.  #226Grace on June 17, 2016 at 7:18 am

    So many beautiful, insightful posts here!
    I’m basking in and soaking up all of the wisdom you all share here, thank you!

    This morning I feel even more like appreciating what I *do* have. I have unconsciously been focusing on the lack of sex in my life and lamenting it. Sitting in front of the mirror this morning, I am suddenly noticing how good I DO have it, really. I climax easily, masturbate frequently, enjoy full and satisfying orgasms with myself. I have had some delicious and fun sex and experienced fulfilling and satisfying sex with men in the past. I realized there are millions of women on the planet who can’t say that, women who aren’t even sure if they’ve ever had an orgasm, women who will never experience sex, or experience as pleasurable, etc.

    So this morning I feel inspired to sit and really milk the feelings of gratitude and appreciation for all of the pleasure and deliciousness.

    Last night’s date turned out to be GREAT.
    We went to a gourmet taco place I’d never been to before, talked about all kinds of stuff then went to a bar and he bought a deck of cards so he could teach me to play spades. A woman at the bar got curious and she and a friend of hers ended up joining and playing.

    Honestly, I did feel a bit stiff and a bit numb, and at the same time, I recognized this as my own tension and guardedness around things being So Easy.

    I’ve also been visiting a hypontherapist and I feel that is really helping boost my confidence, and am planning to work with her to relieve some of the trauma around the memories of my infant son’s death. I left her office just bawling yesterday, a good thing! To be in touch with those feelings! And feel like….damn, haven’t I punished myself long enough? I don’t believe hating and punishing myself over it for so long is what my son would have wanted for me. I have apologized and been so sorry to myself for so long and have been begging for my own forgiveness so I feel curious how I will experience life without that experience being stuck in my mind.

    happythankyoumoreplease 🙂



  227.  #227Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 7:30 am

    Victoria,

    You know, your post made me feel equally good as MissStix’s. I probably subscribe more to your school of thought at the moment, because I empathise so much with how he is feeling. I feel exactly the same way as him. We are madly in love with each other, and so yes whenever we are deprived of each other’s presence or attention we miss each other and are inclined to anxiety.

    And whenever he expresses any anxiety I immediately reassure him, tell him I love him, how much I adore being with him more than anyone else, hug him, kiss him, tell him he has nothing to worry about and that I am not going anywhere. We both do this for each other, rather than getting cross with the other – we are very loving and patient and full of reassurance for each other, which is why this relationship is so healing.

    I suppose the only difference between us is that I long ago made peace with small intrusions into my relationship – like for example the occasional guys’ night, or my boyfriend having lunch or a drink with a friend, or even having to maybe go away for a few days without me (like for work for example). And I suppose I expect a similar level of understanding when I occasionally do these things (as rarely as they happen). But J never does these things, or at least never without me, and I think he would battle if I did them without him, he would want to come with me, in fact he has said as much.

    It’s not a big issue because we love doing things together, and he would get over it if I did something without him, but anyway.



  228.  #228MissStix on June 17, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Victoria

    Panic disorder (which I don’t have personally as my panic attacks are infrequent) is defined as a psychiatric disorder resulting in the frequent arising of fear or intense anxiety with no reasonable cause.

    My ex-husband had it to an extreme with multiple debilitating attacks a day which caused him dificulty breathing, dizzyness etc. The physiological symptoms can be tremors, rapid heart rate, sweating, heaving, shortness of breath etc. A person may believe they are dying and want to go to emerg.
    Basically the fight or flight trigger in the brain is activated when the fear sets in.
    I took care of him for years and ended up in a mother/caregiver role and our relatiomship turned co-dependent. None of my care actually helped him in the long run. So that’s why I would not likely go into the role of being the reassurer again in that situation.
    I see it as something that requires either self care or medical attention if symptoms are unmanageable.



  229.  #229MissStix on June 17, 2016 at 9:46 am

    But that’s just my perspective and i’m sure there are many positive approaches 🙂



  230.  #230Liquid Light on June 17, 2016 at 9:51 am

    Indigo

    Possessiveness and jealousy could be a red flag. Definitely something to keep your eye on if I were you. Just my 2 cents…been there



  231.  #231Femininewoman on June 17, 2016 at 10:07 am

    “We are madly in love with each other, and so yes whenever we are deprived of each other’s presence or attention we miss each other and are inclined to anxiety”.

    Wow. I dunno. I’d be really interested in what Rori would say.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on June 17, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Yayyyy Grace



  233.  #233Femininewoman on June 17, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Yayy Grace



  234.  #234Liquid Light on June 17, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Grace

    So glad that you had a great date!

    Hoorah!!! 🙂



  235.  #235Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 10:53 am

    Liquid light,

    Thank you, I’m satisfied that this is not red flag behaviour. It’s not aggressive in the slightest and isn’t even directed at me. He owns it completely and is always very loving towards me. It’s panic and anxiety caused by old traumas, which I understand because I’ve been there, and is just sometimes triggered by small, inconsequential things. He knows this.



  236.  #236Indigo on June 17, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Feminine Woman 230,

    I don’t know, what would Rori say about the fact that I’ve never been so happy in my life?



  237.  #237MissStix on June 17, 2016 at 11:12 am

    Indigo

    I don’t know how long you’ve been with this man so I’m not referring to you specifically here but I tagged you because it’s your topic.

    Seems to me that when relationships are fresh and new (3 years and under depending on the couple) and intimate, in love, the separation anxiety can feel more intense. In my mind this is natural and common etc. I think after time, experience together and getting used to each other these feelings tend to fade into a comfort of just knowing we will see each other soon enough. A loving warmth of absence. We are “with” each other even when we’re not. It becomes given. Especially for self aware, emotionally engaged couples.



  238.  #238Liquid Light on June 17, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    This is a good reminder for all of us…

    This is from the Huffington Post

    6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

    When we think of abusive relationships, we often picture black eyes and broken bones. But while abuse often escalates to physical violence, it does not start out that way. In fact, abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet in the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won’t even notice he is controlling you — sometimes, until it’s too late. But, there are warning signs we can look out for, to help us spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far.

    1. He will romance you. He will buy you flowers and gifts. He will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met. He will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that he is too good to be true — because he is. He needs you to trust him and develop feelings for him, because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. He will make you feel like you are his entire world — because he wants your world to revolve around him. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.

    2. He will want to commit — quickly. He will say that it’s love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that he can’t imagine his life without you. He will sweep you off your feet, and tell you he has never loved anyone this much. He will insist on being exclusive right away, and will likely want to move in together, or even get married, very quickly. He needs you to love him, and to belong to him. You may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly — trust your instincts.

    3. He will want you all to himself. He will glare at other men for looking at you and question you about your male friends. You may think this jealousy is cute, or even loving — at first. But soon, he’ll make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. He will call or text you several times a day, and may accuse you of flirting or cheating. He will say he loves you so much, he can’t stand the thought of anyone else being near you. And soon, no one else will be. This is the beginning of isolation.

    4. He will be very concerned about you. He may get upset if you don’t call him back right away or if you come home late. He will say it’s because he worries about you. He will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. He will mask his control as concern for your well-being. He will start to make decisions for you — who you spend time with and where you go — and claim to know what’s best for you. Soon, you’ll be asking his approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as his power and control grows.

    5. He will be sweet and caring — sometimes. He will be the sweet, loving man who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, he will become the man who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. He will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved him more, or treated him better, he would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the man you love, but will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Eventually, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

    6. He will play the victim. If he gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. If he has a bad day, someone is out to get him. And if he is upset, he will blame you for his feelings and actions. He will expect you to make him happy and fulfilled — and when he’s not, he will blame you. He may apologize for yelling, putting you down, or hurting you, but will always find a way to make it your fault. He will say things like, “It’s just that I love you so much,” or “I wish you didn’t make me so crazy.” Eventually, he will blame you for making him hit you.

    If these warning signs are happening in your relationship, even if he has not hit you (yet), this is abuse. Control, jealousy, and isolation are not love. And abusive behavior will not change — no matter how hard you try, or how much you love him. This man may seem like your dream come true, but soon, he will become your worst nightmare.

    You deserve better. You deserve to be safe and respected. And you deserve real love, not control. If you or someone you know is being abused, you do not have to face it alone. Advocates are available to help, anytime, at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Please make the call, and take the first step toward freedom and safety today. You’re worth it.

    Pamela Jacobs is an attorney, advocate, and speaker dedicated to ending sexual assault and domestic violence. Learn more at pamelajacobs dot com.



  239.  #239Lilybelly on June 17, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    ~Kim, I am enjoying watching from FB and am so excited.. ❤️❤️

    Ladies, checking in. You won’t believe how far it come in the last month. I can’t even believe it. I feel so proud of myself. Redid my kitchen. Cupboards, walls trim..all different. Working on my office/den now and that is almost finished.

    But, the best news is:

    I booked a trip in 3 weeks to go to Riviera Maya all by myself. I feel so brave and strong and big. Like, I got this. I am able to do whatever I chose!

    I am enjoying being alone very much. I love not worrying about being cray cray, I’m not, I wasn’t. Grateful.

    I feel so good and maybe it’s because I’m free? Free of the lies and deceit? Free of abandonment…gone. I feel like 1000 pounds is gone. Amazing. I do not feel sad. I am dealing with my feelings of humiliation, embarrassment. Being busy has been good.

    I will admit I am not wanting to spend time with people yet or go out for adult beverages or see my girlfriends. I feel awful about that though but I just don’t want to talk out loud about all of this. Am I stuffing? Is this ok for now? I feel so curious.

    But, I am super awesome.



  240.  #240Grace on June 18, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Lilybelly -I was just wondering about you and I feel thrilled to hear how well you are doing! Thank you for the update!



  241.  #241Liquid Light on June 18, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Lilybelly,

    You sound fantastic! All the progress you’ve made in the last few weeks is amazing! You go, girl!!! 🙂



  242.  #242Millie on June 18, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Victoria 218– Yes! I love that you used the word “idle” because it brings to my mind the vision of a car that is idling. I love car stuff. The car is in drive, the motor is running, fuel is burning, energy is swirling, its hot, but stopped, it is idling, energy churning and burning, but going nowhere, internal combustion with no direction and I agree this is what my masculine energy is doing when not at work! I feel overwhelmed at my job lately and as a result have not been planning or going out as much, which I think both of my energies need!

    Question for all the sirens–Has anyone here purchased the “Understanding Men” series from Shen Wade Media? I signed up for her newsletters and have really found them insightful! The program is quite pricey and I’ve purchased many programs before and am wanting to know if it the advertising is just really good and selling me on information I already know and that is available to me through the coaches here? I am prone to getting “sucked in” to the many programs about knowing what triggers men to stay and leave, the right things to do/say to have him wrapped around your finger… I feel so curious to what that is…but then I think, well there really isn’t a “right” thing to do or say, there is only the “right” energy to say/do it from…. And I don’t need to spend more money to learn/understand that, only practice it. I don’t know, I just wonder if I am missing out on more information that could help me. Any thoughts?

    I had so much fun with my guy friend T last night and today!!! Yeeee
    Things had been feeling off and I knew it was because I was retreating and shutting down inside. He gave me some space and inviting him back into my space felt great!!! We went to dinner (love the place he picked!) and had so much fun! I missed us! We had had a little quarrel a few weeks ago– and I told him I really appreciated him listening to my concerns then and he not only listened, but made a decided change in his behavior towards me. I told him it had not gone unnoticed and my heart appreciates that he cares about how I feel so much! He smiled and put his hand on his chest and was beaming. I also said as much as I appreciate him making these changes, I don’t want to ask him to be someone he isn’t, and found that this experience made me appreciate the person he is at his core even more and I don’t want to control the situation. I will learn to manage my feelings too, to not shut down, and it’s a goal of mine to be able to move through my feelings, instead of getting stuck in them. I think this friendship could go really far if I really let it, allow it, and stop trying to control it by injecting self-doubt and depression to pull myself away from it…if that makes sense. If I stopped what isn’t working, how great would this be? Pretty f-ing amazing I think! But I don’t know…what the future holds! When I do allow…and be…and enjoy…and am happy, smiley, flirty, joking, teasing, glowing, and having fun…I see how he reacts…he is happy, smiley, jokey, flirty, wanting me around, wanting to talk to me all the time, share things with me, make plans to go try different restaurants… If I could keep flowing, and not put up a dam, and then go through a few weeks feeling horrible until the dam is taken apart again, then the water flows for awhile, then I get upset/scared/triggered/hurt by something and it goes up again and the flow is interrupted. I see how that pushes men away from me. It pushes a lot of life in general, away from me. I don’t want to keep doing that with this guy–it’s a bad pattern, that I think at my core is actually attention-seeking as well as controlling, which I’ve already said. After dinner, he wanted to take me to an amazing view and watch the sunset because he knew I’d love it. (wow) That felt like such a romantic gesture to me and he joked about it being a romantic date, but it obviously wasn’t… we missed the sunset, but the view was gorgeous! I showed/expressed my happiness about him taking me there and said that when he was ready to date, he’d be ready because he’s got planning dates down! He chooses great places to eat, always opens the door for me, and he knows the romantic views! It was all very light, but of course I do feel attracted to him…and I truly do appreciate him. Sigh, ok- coming down from la-la land, back to reality, haha..



  243.  #243Femininewoman on June 19, 2016 at 4:03 am

    Millie the best learning you are doing is live with your friend right there. I wouldn’t encourage you to spend on more programs,



  244.  #244Zara on June 19, 2016 at 6:41 am

    Millie

    You bought Rori’s and Dr. Pat Allen’s programs and you have the link to Byron Katie’s site. There is so much to take in and to pratice with these three approaches I don’t see that any other program have anything “truer” to reveal. Other than bloating your mind and feeding your need to “do” something to make “it” happen.

    If you don’t “get it” from reading these 3, it’s more about your own blocks than about the programs, so buying more won’t help. And I have seen that you ARE “getting it”. You are doing fine. You don’t need a new program. You need to reread and relisten to those you have been already taking in.

    It’s about focusing on your inner knowledge, which knowledge is excellent for what I have read on your posts.
    It’s about learning to connect to your inner knowledge rather than letting our knee-jerk reactions take over our life.
    And when they do, it’s about accepting we’re humans and we kick our own water bucket at times, that’s just what we do. It does not mean we are lacking knowledge or understanding.

    And we fill the bucket back up and life goes on and next time, our body remembers the experience of it and so the knee-jerk reaction is softer. It gets softer and softer at every experience until our body finally connects directly to our inner knowledge with no more short cuts to kicking buckets. (Or at least not so many as to keep the bucket empty).

    It takes practicing with lots of knee-jerk reaction situations for the knowledge to morph from intellectual to organic. And I see your knowledge is morphing in that direction just fine.

    As Femininewoman says, at this point of your morphing, the best teacher is the experience you are giving yourself such as the experience with this male friend from work. It’s priceless.

    xxx



  245.  #245Dixie on June 19, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    Hi sirens,

    Just a little check in here…

    Lillybelly …. I felt so happy to read your update! I am soooo glad to hear all the peacefulness in your voice!

    Azure…. Dear siren, you continue to be such a graceful inspiration!

    Kim…you are married by the time you read this and congratulations! And thank you with my whole year for sharing your journey! I learn so much from you!

    As a little update, last week I had the chance to reconnect with an old colleague at a retirement party, one with whom there was a definite simmering attraction. He really is a terrific guy but the timing was awful for him, then for me. But we’ve been talking a little since then and I am so grateful for the chance to just practice the tools, no other expectation. And honestly, it just feels fun and reminds me that although I love D., there are LOTS of nice men!



  246.  #246Indigo on June 20, 2016 at 1:01 am

    Hi sirens,

    Not sure if anyone is around, but I wondered if any of you had any thoughts on what are the appropriate boundaries to have with guy friends? Both when single and in a relationship? If you want to be just friends and nothing more?

    Millie, I was thinking of you with your guy friend.

    (And please don’t anyone give me the speech about all men being attracted to you as a woman… I already know this, and am just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on guys from a purely friendship point of view 🙂 )



  247.  #247Dixie on June 20, 2016 at 2:39 am

    Indigo,

    I do have lots of guy friends but I interact with them mostly in the space of a defined activity (mostly running or cycling) and most of them are married. I am good friends with them through my friendship with their wives.,

    The camaraderie is very strong but very platonic since a) they’re real stand-up men and b) the friendship is based on a activity. There are no issues of jealousy because everything is open as transparent and like I said, I am friends with their wives first.

    This is common for the men too – to join the women for a run- but we have been friends for decades.

    The only time I have sensed jealousy is when a CD wanted to take me away from that running group. I understood his concern a little, but I also know that the dynamic of the group is different Than what he imagined. I could happily go running with one of these men, and have, but that is because there is NO romantic energy there at all.



  248.  #248MissStix on June 20, 2016 at 11:09 am

    Hmmm… My best friend is a guy and I hang out with him solo and I might not even tell the man every time I see him. He is gay so it’s a non-issue.
    I have other male friends in the realm of they are or have been attracted to me romantically yet not me to them. I wouldn’t see these guys in a non-group situation. Not because something might happen or they might hit on me (they have and would and it’s all not serious) but because it just doesn’t come up. I’ve known them for years but never been close.
    Then I have just a couple that have no romantic attraction from either side. I might hang out with them alone very sporadically. The man would know and he is also friends with them through me.
    Then the men I feel mutual attraction with…I would not hang out with them alone because i’d rather not intensify those feelings.
    Like this guy i’m chemically attracted to right now… I would have gone out with him when we first separated but not now. Because he has presented himself to me as a potential romantic partner and because I feel so highly drawn to him. Even if I don’t think he’d make a great life partner. I have yet to feel like I could take him at all seriously. It would be a very fun, intense fling.



  249.  #249Millie on June 20, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    Femininewoman and Zara– Yes I think you are right and make very good points that practice is a good thing for me right now rather than “bloating” my mind haha.

    Indigo– Boundaries are something I am constantly discovering and implementing. With this particular male friend, I do have feelings for him. I love him, but right now the age difference also means we are in different places in life, and while I am looking for a serious relationship leading towards marriage, he isn’t there right now, although he knows he wants that in the future. I am viewing my relationship with him as IF I was dating him, for practice. I do not initiate anything physical, I rarely initiate contact, trying to keep the 2:1 ratio that Pat Allen discusses. I share my feelings and appreciate him. I let him lead. It’s easy to have boundaries in regards to myself with him, and also easy because if he wanted anything to change it would happen because he led it in that direction, not because I crossed a line trying to get it.

    I had/have another male friendship in which I did not feel any attraction or feelings for whatsoever. He eventually married and developed boundaries with his wife. For example I wasn’t allowed to spend the night (in the guest room) when she was out of town. We had plans to go to a movie and I didn’t want to drive home, but he said no I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t just me, any woman wasn’t allowed and vice versa. She was not allowed to have a male friend over for the night when he wasn’t there.

    I guess it is different with every relationship, but you can keep the same boundaries regardless of the circumstance.



  250.  #250Millie on June 20, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    So, this guy on pof messaged me and we began chatting. He asked me how my experience on the site has been and instead of being honest I just decided to say something flirty along the lines of…it’s getting better now 😉 He replied how so? And then about 20 min later, got it, and wrote back ohh because you are talking to me 😉 I asked how his experience was and he wrote back that most women on the site are boring and that he doesn’t meet anyone who isn’t interesting to talk to. I read the message and didn’t reply because I was at my parents house and we were doing stuff. About an hour or less later, I go back on to write him back and a message pops up on my screen saying he blocked me! I was thinking…is this a mistake… but no, it wasn’t he blocked me! I don’t know if it was his way of saying I’m boring to talk to or what… but it felt very rude and unnecessary, seeing as that I was responding to him, not bombarding him with messages. Oh well I guess he felt it was necessary…so anyways that was strange. No one has ever blocked me on the site before, that I know of!



  251.  #251Indigo on June 20, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    Millie 250,

    Purely for interest’s sake, before I even got to the end of reading your post I got a red flag about that guy… really just an intuitive feeling based on the fact that he said all women were boring and was focused on pumping himself up rather than making you feel good. He is emotionally unavailable. You can develop this intuition over time if you choose.



  252.  #252Indigo on June 20, 2016 at 11:10 pm

    Dixie, MissStix and Millie,

    Thank you so much for your thoughts on guy friends, it’s great to have different perspectives.



  253.  #253Femininewoman on June 21, 2016 at 6:37 am

    Millie/Indigo – I find it funny that you wrote ” he wrote back that most women on the site are boring” and it was read as “he said all women were boring”

    Millie – but it felt very rude and unnecessary. I honestly read this as a judgemental thought. How about just saying it is what it is?

    “I don’t know if it was his way of saying I’m boring to talk to or what” – Here you go again taking it personal and making it about you.

    This guy is a stranger just floating by. Have you asked what was the message? If you brought things back to yourself what pattern of thinking would you be able to identify in yourself? Is there any belief floating below the radar of your conscious mind that might have been triggered. Were you thinking this was a fish that took a bite or one that you could hook?

    For all you know it might be his way of saying he thinks he is boring and not getting any good result off the site. I have heard many times that guys get ignored and don’t have much good success on dating sites. It might be his way of saying he is frustrated with online dating – who knows? Who cares?



  254.  #254Kim on June 21, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Hello ladies, checking in, I am married! Lol
    It was the most amazing time….relaxed, sunshine, beach restaurant outside, arrived by boat, and all super casual. Flip flops all around. Wish I could post photos here 🙂
    Everybody had a wonderful time and I couldn’t have asked for anything better for us. My groom was beaming all day, staring at me….aw.
    Definitely best day of our lives, and I didn’t even expect it to be….ah.
    If you ask about the sister….lol….she did not speak a word to me all day (I do think she spoke to her brother a little before I arrived for the ceremony but totally ignored us for the est of the day), and she didn’t even get us a card let alone a present – he kept excusing it, saying she acts like this because of her issues, well…. I was deliberately being really light hearted and friendly and approachable to everyone and tried making conversation with everyone and also her table. Nada. Just ev*l stares at me. If looks could kill lol. I noticed it briefly and then concentrated on all those who were truly happy for us. Which was everybody!
    I was making sure we got to everyone’s table and had fun and of course I was the happiest person on the planet. It was a wonderful day.
    That is all.
    Now I have to get used to my new name…I just saw one of my comments on facebook and nearly answered to myself because I didn’t realize it was me LOL. I am too old for this haha.
    More later
    xoxo



  255.  #255T-Girl on June 21, 2016 at 7:40 am

    Kim, I have been enjoying seeing the pictures of your wedding and especially loved your arrival – that was awesome. I can totally relate about the sister thing. My hubby and one of his sisters is very close but she was a total raving you know what when we got married. Everyone was telling me it is because she was losing a part of her brother to me and the fact that she is still unmarried even though older whereas before they were the only 2 unmarried siblings out of 7. Anyway, totally her issues and nothing to do with me. BTW. I am totally jealous you are in one of my favorite locations right now Have fun! (and I am enjoying your book)



  256.  #256Grace on June 21, 2016 at 7:41 am

    Kim Kim Kim!!! I feel so very happy for you! What an interesting journey it has been! I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about your future adventures!



  257.  #257Femininewoman on June 21, 2016 at 9:16 am

    Yayyyy Kim 🙂



  258.  #258Kim on June 21, 2016 at 9:19 am

    Grace thank you so much xoxo

    T-Girl yay! Thank you. Yes, we had a lot of fun with boat and captain, a total original salty dog lol.
    Thundering here right now so we are cozying up in the room.
    Thank you for sharing your story….it’s a shame for them. One of my friends said she was crying the whole time. I don’t think it was because she was happy but rather devastated. Everybody had a big smile on at the ceremony and she looked miserable, like at a funeral but hey, like you say..,not my bag. Her brother, My husband , is so happy – that is what matters to me. Nothing else.

    In some ways the behavior was so noticeably out of line, it has given me the freedom not to try so hard with her anymore. I feel free from having to make an effort .I try to have compassion and let her go lol.

    She even scolded her brother on his wedding day about forgetting something months ago, a little thing, he told me about it. Ridiculous. He was being very nice to her also….thanking her several times for attending. Thank goodness I hardly drank any alcohol, else I might have asked her why she bothered coming lol.

    All done – we are very happy. My family canbe difficult too but they all behaved and it was all just wonderful.

    Everybody is so happy for us because they know it has been a long road and perhaps none of them expected we would get married ever – both of us long term singles. So we had tons of love wrapping us in a big blanket on the day. Magical.

    Ok I stop now…just to say never give up, dating works and particularly circular dating worked for me. And sticking to my guns and letting the man step up – and particularly being able to walk away at any time. The first man I did not make center of my life turned out to become my husband.,,funny that. 🙂



  259.  #259Indigo on June 21, 2016 at 9:58 am

    Congratulations Kim 🙂



  260.  #260Liquid Light on June 21, 2016 at 10:16 am

    Yay Kim! So happy for you that everything went so well! Sounds dreamy! Congratulations!!!!



  261.  #261Liquid Light on June 21, 2016 at 11:21 am

    “Ok I stop now…just to say never give up, dating works and particularly circular dating worked for me. And sticking to my guns and letting the man step up – and particularly being able to walk away at any time. The first man I did not make center of my life turned out to become my husband.,,funny that.”

    Thanks for the reminder! 🙂



  262.  #262MissStix on June 21, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Congratulations Kim! Sounds wonderful.



  263.  #263Kim on June 21, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Thank you Ladies!
    xoxo



  264.  #264Grace on June 21, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    Inspired by Natalie over at BaggageReclaim, I decided to see a hypnotherapist. I got a Groupon, hahaha 🙂 Aaand, wow. I’ve been listening to hypnosis recordings for decades – I can remember the first one being when I was a about 13 – but none of them were like having a live therapist in the room. And she’s warm and sweet and the office is beautiful and cozy.

    I was in a head-on collision over the weekend, and I could see the whooooole series of life choices that led up to that and led up to me freaking out because I only have liability insurance and I was like…I HAVE HAD IT. What is up with me? So I did a particular kind of session with her to clear out ‘seeds’ or ‘root causes’ of certain patterns and she got to it right away, birth trauma and patterns of self-punishment and self-harm from being separated from my mother at birth and probably family stuff that got passed down unconsciously.

    So I immediately bought another package of sessions because IT IS WORKING but y’all can decide for yourself if you see me grow and change in my future posts. 🙂 I just want to throw it out there in case anyone else might feel interested. Rori’s tools are great, and, she has also had help with trauma I believe using guided visualization with Virginia Clark, and EMDR, and probably other modalities as well. I wonder if she might like to chime in on that, even though I know she is all about Business Siren right now.



  265.  #265Femininewoman on June 21, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    (((Grace)))) Yikes



  266.  #266MissStix on June 21, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    I have a small slightly amusing story from work today…
    Work guy called me his girlfriend. Literally…”hello my girlfriend”
    I must have looked so shocked because he thought I didn’t hear him and repeated himself. Oh but I did hear him! I said “wake up … you’re dreaming.”
    Actually maybe it’s only amusing because I amused myself with what I said and how I said it 🙂
    I can’t recieve this anymore. Doesn’t feel fun anymore. My new mission is to let him know this so he can stop.



  267.  #267Daria on June 21, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    Yay Kim 🙂



  268.  #268Daria on June 21, 2016 at 4:47 pm

    I’m feeling lovely making improvements in my ability to feel good during sex. (Yay) also loving the lean forward attention from a particular man



  269.  #269Grace on June 21, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    Aww, FeminineWoman, thanks for the hugs!
    I. Feel. Amazing.
    The other driver hit me head on, I couldn’t believe it. As soon as I realized he was hitting me HEAD ON, the airbags deployed, I felt mine hit my face and I thought, “I. Am. Dead.”
    My car got spun around 180 degrees and pushed up over the curb, he wasn’t able to stop for several car lengths behind me. And you know what? I have a bruised and sore right arm and light bruising on my nose from the airbags.

    The next thought after “I am dead” was “I AM SAFE. ALL IS WELL.” and I repeated that mantra over and over. The engine caught fire, I felt disoriented, got out, someone came to help, and over and over again I affirmed I AM SAFE. ALL IS WELL. I AM *SAFE*. ALL IS WELL.”

    All my massage therapy training kicked in and once the EMT confirmed my face wasn’t split open and I wasn’t bleeding from somewhere and just couldn’t tell, I asked for ibuprofen and ice. On the scene I took the ibuprofen and started icing my face and neck. I’ve had whiplash before and it is NOT FUN. Kept everything iced, took lots of hyaluronic acid, white willow bark, turmeric extract, magnesium, calcium, everything to support muscle relaxation and prevent inflammation. Took 2 epsom salt baths a day, drank lots of electrolytes.
    Oh, and TRE Trauma Releasing Exercises daily!

    Last night I was back at Bikram, only mildy off my game, just one asana I felt I needed to stop.

    The hypnotherapist was surprised it was birth for me, she wasn’t expecting that! I hadn’t said anything to her about birth trauma or being adopted and separated at birth or anything, she just started there as part of her usual progression. Now it makes PERFECT sense that is where I’ve been stuck. My psyche was pointing it out to me when I was having sex with Lanky and on one level it felt so fun and joyful and sweet and close and on another level I was feeling a lot of pain, I was hearing the message – THIS IS WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE TO ME. So of course I would be attracted to mixed signals and no wonder I’ve been giving off mixed signals, if that has been my love imprint!

    I can’t say I was able to let go of all of the pain, I feel like I’ve been hoarding it emotionally because it felt like love, and also felt like a connection to my birthmother. Letting it go felt difficult, like I was letting go of HER and I didn’t want to let go.

    Awww, I’m feeling so much love and compassion for myself now that I see that!!

    I do feel like I released some of it, and the therapist issued some commands to my subconscious so I will see how it plays out….I’ll keep y’all posted!



  270.  #270Grace on June 21, 2016 at 6:59 pm

    (((Daria))) I miss your unbridled riffing here and feel all smiley seeing you post!!! I feel happy to hear you’re making progress with sex and pleasure, and that you’re receiving lean-forward attention!!
    <3 <3



  271.  #271MissStix on June 22, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    I feel so…Chilled out. Life makes sense today.
    Ummmhmmm… I feel filled up and grateful.
    Everything makes sense.
    It feels difficult to do this when i’m not swirling with chaos 😀
    This feels like… Slow moving particles. Lazily dancing to the melody of my existence.
    I feel relaxed. Laid back in my deck chair with my feet up on a high stool. Nice mix playing softly on my phone.
    I tried analyzing happenings from my day with certain people… Nope. not into it 🙂 Feels good.
    I feel “the moment” coming back into me.
    This moment is excellent.
    Just chilled here by myself, practicing feeling. That song “oh yeah” from Ferris Bueller started playing 🙂 hahah perfection.



  272.  #272Millie on June 22, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Femininewoman 253– Yes you are right, this is me making it about me again, when really I have no idea why he chose to do what he did. Whatever…

    Kim– Congratulations!!!!!!!

    I’ve noticed myself getting turned on by men more easily… like for example the guy at work that I mentioned wouldn’t engage with me or make eye contact. Now I have had the opportunity to work with him more, and the awkwardness seems to have dissipated. He addresses me and makes eye contact now…and my body is on fire! Shooting bolts of oxytocin running through my body and I get nervous excited and warm and I like when he comes around. Isn’t chemistry and pheromones amazing? He is married, so there’s nothing there beyond a work relationship, but it’s fun to have that feeling break up the day! I’ve noticed it around strangers too, when some men come close to me physically, I feel turned on. My hormones are definitely flowing and wanting some lust.

    Not much else happening on the dating sites, a few messages here and there, but nothing solid. I admit I feel a bit bored by it myself.



  273.  #273Ayesha on June 23, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I feel bad for not checking in more regularly. i feel guilty for not being more present here with myself and with you all… seems i only come in here when i need a pick me up. and im sorry for that. and i also feel grateful to myself to allow myself to receive support and feel connected to you all.
    I’ve been in a not-so-good place… I feel… better about it in this moment. But basically… this very charismatic super sexy guy who was really into me for a hot second stopped seeing me, saying he’s really not looking for anything serious (and had been very up front about this on the site). And of course, THATS when i got really into him… started falling for him… when he pulled away. He has a trip planned with another lover… and i was pretty clear with him that im not into something super casual or open… and he was very respectful and considerate about it… and so we called it off… but i still just feel like im broken and bereft…
    also… we work in the same industry and he’s much further of me… my therapist thinks i want what he has, rather than the man himself…
    it’s just… i feel… i’ve been feeling so alone and unworthy. and if im honest with myself… i know that i only drew him in or became toxicly attached to him to punish myself because i believe that THATS what i deserve – unless misery suffering and punishment for being… brown/queer/not-American/female/Muslim…. i guess i internalized all of my parents’ feelings of victimhood and inferiority… i want to break free…
    there’s this guy… also in the same industry… who i see around all the time… and he’s very sweet… and i’ve always been so aloof from him… and yesterday i had this epiphany… like im turned off by this handsome intelligent man because he is always gracious kind and respectful towards me – like WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!
    I’ve been wanting to run away from myself, my life, my work, my passion, my talents for so long because i feel like i dont deserve success, wellbeing, a tender committed touch… sex with a man who wants to love me…. there’s so much grief inside me… it’s not easy leaving everything behind… my mother’s grave, my country, my people…
    but i’m here now. and i chose to be here. i worked so hard to get here. and i dont have to feel guilty for all the blessings in my life that ive created for myself…
    evverything is ok, because i am ok… everything is as it should be because i am exactly as i should me… i am whole… i am complete… i am beautiful… i just hope that god gives me the courage to let love in… “only you can let it in” 🙂 today is where your book begins — just heard those lines from that song as i was writing this…
    thank you all, for letting me be here.
    and thank you, me, for letting me be here, too.
    all love to all of you.



  274.  #274MissStix on June 24, 2016 at 5:38 am

    I feel a small sadness today. Body feels slow. This happening is good and right and yet I feel the ending of a period of time that launched me into growth. I love growth no matter how painful it can feel. I can still grow in other ways. Yet I want to honour this mourning no matter how “minor” it is.
    Sending love to all my parts feeling sadness and loss. After today I know I will look to the present and allow it to flow into the future but for today I want to allow myself to reminisce. How much has happened over the past year… How far i’ve come, how much I have gained through this often scary process. And I want to honour all that has come into my life to show me I have more strength and power and courage than I could have ever dreamed possible. More than I could ever tell myself I have. It had to be shown to me. It had to be pasted up all around me and laid bare before my eyes. And for that I feel incredibly grateful. Thank you Universe!



  275.  #275Tee on June 24, 2016 at 10:41 am

    Just checking in kinda. My temp job is about to be extended so I’m happy about that. My Supervisor is really cool.

    She knows a lot about the Law Of Attraction, she’s very light, breezy and calming.
    Things are quiet on the homefront. I’m trying to leave the responsibility of me up to me.

    E has been sick lately. Something is going on with his throat. He had a fever a few days ago. He’s been to the ER but he might have to go back. They gave him medicine but I don’t think its working. They ruled out strep throat & an ear infection.

    All of this makes me realize that I miss him. Yes, his restlessness, his constant teasing, kidding and joking around can be a bit much but it made him who he is. These last few days he’s been in pain, listless and sleeping a lot. He complains about his arm hurting. I dreamt the other night that it was hanging off & he needed help getting it back on.

    Sorta like that whole scene (if anyone’s ever seen it lol) in Lethal Weapon 2, with Mel Gibson and the whole dislocated shoulder thing. I just feel weird about the whole thing. Like maybe I wanna help but I know that I cant?

    The dream scared me because we were Both scared & close to tears despite knowing what we needed to do. I picked up some chicken noodle soup & some Halls for him before I left.

    As annoying as he can be lol I think I’d rather have that…than this. :/
    Just venting I guess.



  276.  #276MissStix on June 24, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    I took myself out on a lunch date. I’ve been treating myself to something every friday and it feels really good to let my masculine energy take care of myself in that way. I stayed sunk into my feminine energy pretty much all day and found that after work I had an excess of bubbling “do” energy. I still feel it… Maybe i’ll even stop for a mini hike on my way home so I don’t take this home with me.

    All the sad feelings have faded and gone and i’m left feeling empty in that part of me. Time to move on…



  277.  #277Grace on June 24, 2016 at 9:13 pm

    Sirens – I feel like WOWZA!

    Today I felt so talkative and at ease, not my usual quiet, reserved self. Letting go of that hurt I was hanging on to has me feeling incredibly free. A man at work I know is interested in me, stood around and talked to me for almost three hours tonight before he left and I had my next job to go to. What felt really cool, is that up until this week, he was always on my nerves.

    Tonight, though, he stopped acting childish and started being real with me and the conversation flowed and flowed. What felt cool, too, is that I felt really interested in what we were talking about, I didn’t feel like checking out at all and I felt honestly curious instead of ‘trying’ to keep the conversation going. At several points he actually burst into song – he trained in opera! Going back over the conversation, I feel giggly thinking, “Lanky who now?” because it was such a huge step up and it felt so nourishing. It felt like it filled in all those empty holes I didn’t even know I was feeling until they felt all filled up. And more of that….calm. I have NO DOUBT this man is ridiculously attracted to me, he can’t stay away from me and he follows me all around the place at work, which I don’t mind because he is brilliant and he tries to teach me all kinds of things that are way over my head. 🙂 AND…it’s more of that…calm. Calm calm calm calm calm.

    I was chatting like crazy all day with my co-workers, asking a million questions and listening and listening and really getting to know people I’ve known for months. Oh, and I took the bus today since I don’t have a car and don’t want to use my roommate’s truck unless necessary. So, this was kind of a big deal for me, because we often go to sites where I might need to take my own car, or might end up working way late into the wee hours of the morning when the bus doesn’t run, or…who knows. And I realized by the end of the day, I had offers for rides wherever I wanted to go. Even just to the corner to get a drink in between jobs, one of the people who works in a completely different area who I NEVER offered a ride there and back. One of the men offered and took me to the grocery store so I could get a new bus pass, another one offered to take me to the job later in the day and then asked how I was getting home and offered a ride home. It felt like The Flowiest Day Ever, and this stuff usually stresses me out like crazy because of all of the uncertainty and not knowing how I will get from place to place and fears of being ‘left behind’.

    I have another appointment with the hypnotherapist on Monday and I CAN’T WAIT to feel how I’m going to be after the next round of releasing whatever I have been holding on to unconsciously.

    I feel like encouraging anyone who feels stuck, to seek some sort of trauma relief. I am so grateful for my good luck – I got three sessions with a Groupon for $100, and she offered me another 3 for the same price. I wasn’t sure what kind of quality I was going to get for such a cheap price, and not sure that having live sessions would be any different or better than the million recordings I’ve listened to but again, WOW.

    satisfiedhappythankyoumoreplease



  278.  #278Grace on June 24, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    **a coworker who I NEVER usually see or talk to offered me a ride.



  279.  #279MissStix on June 25, 2016 at 11:29 am

    Grace

    Sounds awesome 🙂 go you!



  280.  #280MissStix on June 25, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Today i’m experiencing a new level of chill.
    I like it.
    I feel kind of like i’m just floating around in an ocean of tranquility. Or maybe I AM the ocean of tranquility. Whatever. Feels nice.