What Do You Do If He Says He’s “In A Bad Place”?

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questionmanThe Question:

“Hi, Rori, My man of over a year has always been very attentive, loving, etc. but backed way off last month. he contacts me daily but seems disconnected, hasn’t said I love you in a month-not even on valentines day. (He gave me a card but signed it from my cats)

Where I used to see him 3x a week, I now see him 1.
He says he is “in a bad place” and “can barely function” right now. He seems depressed/stressed and even started pulling out some of his hair-but has not told me what about.

My question is: I’m not getting what I need/want but want to be empathetic as he is going thru stuff. I’m giving him space and it’s killing me not to try to help and offer solutions.

But how long do I do this? Annabelle”

My Answer:

The ANSWER here is simple, direct, effective: Circular Date.

If you’re not sure how to apply it here – get Targeting Mr. Right, get support on the blog – and try out one of my new coaches – they will FIX this for you!

Here are my Certified Coaches (I take no money from them, only refer):

Carrie Stanfield –  http://www.CarrieStanfieldCoaching.com/

Helena Hart – http://www.HelenaHartCoaching.com

Leigha Baker  http://www.LeighaBaker.com

Valarie O’Ryan – http://www.CoachValarieORyan.com/

You simply can’t sit home alone in this situation.

AND – you need to talk to him in person.

 “Honey, I notice something’s going on with us, and it feels awful. I loved seeing you three times a week, and I don’t feel good now seeing you only once a week. I heard it when you said you were “in a bad place,” and I want to be supportive, and still get my needs for connection met.

It feels truly important, that we stay together, that we spend our free time together, that we’re in the same space together so we can use our relationship to help each other through this. If I’m missing something – if there’s another woman, or if you’ve decided you want to break up with me, please let me know.

I would appreciate knowing what you’re thinking…”

 ***AND – start Circular Dating in a non-date way right now, so you can be prepared to walk away from this man.  This is not the way a “keeper” man behaves.

I realize I’m asking you for a lot, here.

I’m asking you to be prepared to walk away from this man. Are you willing?

Because, until you can say “No” – it’s nearly impossible to say “Yes” to anything else.

You just feel stuck and mired in what we all call “love” – but it isn’t, really.

Love is when both people want to enrich each OTHERS lives, as well as their own.

That’s how friendship works.

Romantic love just adds romance and sex to the mix.  AND , when that’s gone for a bit sometimes (physical distance, a rough patch, illness…), the friendship part STILL needs to be there. (The romance part can be done by you, for yourself during rough patches…)

Commitment is the last peg in the formula for a successful relationship. The more committed you are, in the most official and public ways, the harder it is to “bail” when things get rough.

It’s a built-in incentive to “go through the blocks to love.”

Offering solutions will never work – unless he asks. And then…tread lightly.

The Nail In His Head

There’s a famous youtube video called “It’s Not About The Nail.”

Very funny – AND – what everyone misses in this is it’s NOT women who act like this – it’s MEN!

Yes, we women hate being “fixed” if we don’t feel heard – and yet – that’s what men are supposed to do for us: fix things.

And so, if you’re familiar with my ebook, programs and methodology, you already know that letting a man do the fixing is a huge part of making a relationship as deep, intimate, juicy and harmonious as it can be. It’s also key to allowing you to relax, be yourself, and receive.

AND – have you ever tried to tell a MAN he’s got a nail in his head?

If you try to FIX a man, and tell HIM about the “nail in his head,” he’s going to lose his attraction for you.

And to make it even harder, he’s likely not behaving in the communicative way the woman in the video does.

He’s not talking at ALL about the problem. He’s stewing. He’s withdrawing, he’s complaining about various things. He’s avoiding what HE can do to fix the situation.

He’s avoiding what YOU might say. He’s avoiding YOUR judgment!

So –

The man in the video should be saying to the pretty girl:

“Honey, I hear your pain, and I also see a nail. And if you don’t let me fix it, I’m not going to be useful to you, I’m not being heard at all, in fact, my insight is being disregarded, and as much as I love you, I don’t like this at all. A big part of what I need as a man is to help you. And just listening, when I can see a solution, doesn’t work for me.

I’m not interested in hearing you complain about something that can be fixed. Let me know when the nail is out, or if you need help getting it out.”

And then he should go to his man-cave.

Annabelle, the difference between the speech I wrote for you (the one in italics), and the one I’ve written here for a man – is that YOUR speech comes from your feelings, HIS comes from his head.

Love, Rori






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  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Something I never like to hear

  2.  #2Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Just watching and thinking about this dynamic is scary. Thinking about using that script Rori wrote is scary as he!!ll

  3.  #3Kyla on April 22, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Scripts I’ve been using to allow him to fix it and being ok when he can’t/won’t. (‘him’ being whoever I’m talking to)

    I feel confused. I want to understand. Can you help me here?

    Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. And I feel that won’t work for me. It feels aggressive and that feels uncomfortable. What do you think?

    I feel afraid. I don’t know what to do about xyz. Is this something you can help me with?

    I feel unsure that we are on the same page. Do you mean xyz?

    I hear you. Thank you. And I don’t want to do that. It feels weird and foreign to me. I feel better when I xyz. Do you think that would work here?

    That’s ok. Thank you. I appreciate you listening to me. I feel heard and understood and that feels very safe. Thank you. And I don’t want to be here right now. (hug and leave).

    Thank you for talking about this with me. I feel relieved and lightened. It feels so good to receive your help. I feel soothed. Thank you.

    (Unsolicited advice or directions that I don’t need) Thank you! It feels so good to know that you are thinking of me and want me to be safe! I feel smiley!

  4.  #4Indigo on April 22, 2014 at 9:33 am

    I think this is excellent, excellent advice from Rori.

    As much as we all want to help the people (the men) in our lives, it really isn’t about our ability to see a solution. It is about THEIR desire for a way out, a way to something better.

    And in the meantime, we can’t sacrifice ourselves on the altar of their wallowing.

    I absolutely love how empowered this advice from Rori is!

  5.  #5Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 11:15 am

    I mean no disrespect to anyone but… “they will FIX this for you!” seems a little far fetched and “gimmicky” to me. Typically coaching helps people find ways to a new and better life filled with happiness for self regardless of another’s actions. Seeing it posted here as something that can “fix” it for someone else is….

    I feel irritated and guarded with those words…

    Much Love,

  6.  #6sami on April 22, 2014 at 11:51 am

    I also feel concerned / irritated/ limited sometimes about the extent to which we have to be in the feminine and never advice / never suggest / never offer help.

    My husband is going through a rough patch at his job and he shares his daily agony at work with me in the evenings and is contemplating quitting his job. During his lunch break today after a nasty spat with his abusive lady boss, he almost cried on the phoent today saying..I think I will quit. Then he asks me – what do YOU think?
    And in such situations, I do feel the need to share what I think…not with an agenda of making him do what I want but yes…It feels good to be able to contribute my perspective to the table… and it comes from a place of ” I think..”.. ” If I were you .. I would do ..blah blah.”

    I find myself feeling so guarded and so on shifting sands when I share what I think, always feeling afraid inside..is this too much? Am I doing what Rori suggests never to do? Is he losing atttraction for me? Blah blah

    I don´t know. Im not the constantly lecturing and offering solutions types but once in a while, as an intelligent and gifted and affectionate woman, I do feel I can lend a certain balance and perspective to some situations, especially when my man asks me for it.

    Is this allowed sirens? Do any of you also have successful experiences with this kind of stuff? I wonder what Rori would say to this, once in a while sharing your “thoughts” and offering perspectives on defining life situations??

    I don´t feel my man´s love dwindle for me in anyway. In fact, I feel his gratitude for my presence in my life 🙂

  7.  #7Cupcake on April 22, 2014 at 11:54 am


    I absolutely love this post. It feels like my favorite post of yours, ever.

    Wish I were going to be in New York Next month so I could give you a hug and a high five.

    I feel so grateful for your presence in my life.


  8.  #8Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Sami: “I don´t know. Im not the constantly lecturing and offering solutions types but once in a while, as an intelligent and gifted and affectionate woman, I do feel I can lend a certain balance and perspective to some situations, especially when my man asks me for it.”

    🙂 YES, YES, YES!!!! (from my perspective…)

    Much Love,

  9.  #9sami on April 22, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Ah. Thank you Mercedez for that assurance .. feels good to hear that I still deserve love even when I come from an objective, rational place of thoughts ….

    I hope you are well. Love Sami

  10.  #10Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Sami in case like that I validate the person’s feeling with words like “I know exactly how you are feeling”. Or ask them if they are feeling overwhelmed, powerless, or whatever I sense. Then “do you really want to know what I think?”. In such situations I am like a cauldron of emotions boiling over and it might not be the best time to make a decision so I talk it out with …………..and then sleep on it hopefully by the next day I can make a balanced decision.

    I have also seen another coach suggest something to the effect “that’s a bummer if I were there maybe I would blast the roof off” or something to suggest you would throw rocks at his enemy. Also think about my fingers massaging your shoulders and your back so you feel the tension and worry melt away like ice cream in the sun.

    At the end of the day whatever you choose to do if it produces good results it is something that works for you and I would continue using it. Maybe just add some variety to spice it up a little.

  11.  #11Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    I am doing well Sami…thank you for asking! Sounds like all is good with you as well??

    Much Love,

  12.  #12Veronica on April 22, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Rori, I enjoyed the e-mail newsletter I received today. I love the idea of looking out the window where I imagine all my love is concentrated. Thank you.

  13.  #13sami on April 22, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    9 # Feminine woman #
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I feel full resonance with what you suggested. In fact, that´s exactly the place I come from – wow. what a bitchy and abusive boss you have. I feel so angry with her..and yet honey.. there are always such people in life no matter which job we take.. may be there is a lesson to learn here from the universe? how to deal with them and serve our purpose rather quit and defeat ourselves?

    But thanks so much for sharing. Everything said and done, this feels uncomfortable and I guess its good that way..that we always say.. do you really want to know what I think? Ah. I feel a bit uncomfortable sharing this because it might come across as trying to tell you what to do… and then I wait till he assures me its ok to say it…

    Also, I guess being ok with whatever he does later on is also crucial.. Sharing without an agenda..

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts feminine woman. It feels good to talk to you sirens here, like always 🙂

  14.  #14sami on April 22, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Feminine woman – I wrote you a long comment and it went into moderation 🙁 But hopefully it will appear soon and you can read it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I completely agree with you on sharing our feelings of discomfort at offering suggestions … at throwing stones at his enemy…and still asking..if there is a lesson for him too here?

    Mercedez- I feel happy in life on the whole. I have a very loving and doting husband and nothing to complain about in that arena apart from the new situations that an intimate marriage often throws up..for which I come here and seek some support.
    Our job fronts are very unstable at the moment, however and cause much turbulence .. And even with my successes sometimes at consultancies etc, I feel a bit scared of leaving my man behind.. with his failures.. I know its just a FEAR… but it sometimes feels very real… and I struggle a bit with staying feminine and encouraging and prodding my man to get out of his depressiveness and apply for more jobs etc.. how have you been?

  15.  #15Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    Sami: I’ve been good. A little restless. I’m used to working and I quit my career to open the yoga studio/spa. It’s been one construction mess after another…probably will lead to a lawsuit even. 🙁 Keeping my chin up but often times wondering if quitting my day job was a good idea. I know in my heart it was. And even my head usually agrees with that decision (after all…where would we be if I hadn’t quit? Would we even know about all the issues? This could have gone on for a very long time) but…it’s very uncomfortable for me.

    J has been a rock through it all. Certainly stressed at times but he’s better at me with knowing this is the right thing and it will all work out. He’s truly a great support. I also get amazing emails and Facebook posts almost daily with encouragement and love. That part all feels good. I just personally feel…nervous and afraid sometimes.

    Other than that, things are really good. I’m certainly very happy. I’ve had lots of time to think and reflect and get things together emotionally. I lost my balance from not having a daily routine though….I’m getting that back now and remember how to really care for myself. 🙂 All in all…I’m good. Like anyone, I’m not always great though. lol

    Much Love,

  16.  #16sami on April 22, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Mercedez, I feel happy to hear that you feel well on the whole. I guess that´s what most important and we both seem to feel happy on the whole…feeling perhaps fulfilled on what matters the most? Because the rest is all “maya” as Hindu philosophy would put it.. changing faces of illusions of materialism 😀 hihi. sounds like heavy philosophy but feels very relieving at times 🙂

    I also feel restless, afraid, in doubt very often these days. For one thing, I just say ok Im feeling this way but this is high tide and if not today then tomorrow or next week, it will subside and I will find and feel my peace again. Practising patiencing with my own restless. Not easy but just knowing the murky waters will settle, as Dominique would put it, feels good to know.

    I wish you best with the Spa. It WILL work out, like it always does. Just believe in it. Ohh I would love to come visit your Spa one day :)))) you will do it Mercedez…. 🙂 love to you

  17.  #17sami on April 22, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    also you are welcome to give me any advice on my fears – I have been so incredibly successful all my life, complete masculine energy mode..and I turned around 180 after discovering Rori and found my loving husband. However, off late, im again succeeding a lot at my work, being quite in the head and busy with it, and my man is facing job stresses and quitting etc.. I FEAR terribly I will outdo him with my success 🙁 Its just a fear. He supports me SOOO Much like a rock with all my career aspirations…….but my fear returns due to a past failed relationship with my ex boyfriend…its so limiting to think this way…but its such a deep rooted thing about fearing abandonment because im successful..,probably i made up this conneciton in my own head in my last relationship…and it was not at all about my success but not being feminine while being successful which was the problem—aah

  18.  #18Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Sami: I get what you’re feeling soooo much! It happened to me with my ex-husband but won’t happen to me with J (he’s very successful and our business is something we own together so any success from that will be shared). BUT…from my own lessons learned from my past would be to always, no matter what, tell him how much you appreciate him and compliment those successes he DOES have (without being condescending at all). He will always need to know why you need him, why you appreciate him and how you see him as a man (outside of career especially…as a man in general and as YOUR man…the man you love).

    I think men can feel emasculated by a woman’s success. Not all men but certainly some men. But I don’t think we need to hold ourselves back at all. I think it’s up to them to fix that for themselves. I do though think it is wise to ask for their opinions on how to do something or what they would do in a situation, etc and I also think…especially when a woman’s success is taking off and a man’s isn’t…that we should, when asked for advice on their careers, say things like “I trust your judgement when it comes to matters of your career. What do you think you should do?” And then, as FW says, tread lightly. If you agree, say so and let him have that. If you disagree maybe say “That’s a good option. I think for me, I’d have to…xyz” or something like that.

    Again, I’m probably not the best person to give advice on this topic because 1) It was part of the problems that broke up my marriage and 2) I’m a very outspoken person who isn’t (by any means) always in my feminine energy with J (which obviously goes against much of what is taught here).

    In the end, I believe we have to be ourselves and if we’re outspoken when it comes to matters of business or career, then we need to stay true to that. I also believe we need to be aware of and empathetic to HIS feelings and how something like this could affect him. And then act or speak accordingly. Striking a balance between what we would say to any other man when talking about business and how we need to be different with our loves than we are with all other men on the planet.

    Did that make any sense? I ramble sometimes. lol

    PS: Thank you sooooo much for the kind words about my business. If you are ever in Houston, let me know…you’ll get a free pass. 🙂

    Much Love,

  19.  #19Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Something I read from My Yoga Online today: “You can tell a lot from a person by the way they handle rainy days, lost luggage and tangled Christmas lights.”

    LOVE this…and I soooo agree!

    Much Love,

  20.  #20Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    ohhhh… mercedes 17… I do love that saying!!
    it is soooo true :->

  21.  #21Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Azure Blu…me too!! And I love your name!! A LOT! Reminds me of an amazing restaurant I went to in Hawaii many, many years ago. 🙂

    Much Love,

  22.  #22Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Emerson 70…
    Wow… I feel so validated especially when you said i sound “authentic” i have been working on this with the RR tools for 2 years… Thank you, thank you!!

    You made me LOL when you say “and what is he thinking asking me to pick HIM up???!!!
    Ha, Ha Ha!!
    I tend to do that also… go silent and go along with what the man says or does… but have been saying exactly (with FM of course ;-} how i’m feeling and havnt really worried about what the guy is thinking… and they keep asking me out!!
    On Sunday I went on the date with JD (third date)… he expressed that he feels very pressured from me because I had mentioned when me met that “I am interested in meeting a man who is looking for a rest of his life relationship… I know it takes getting to know each other but I don’t want a one night stand… etc.”
    I said “I feel confused why does that put pressure on you?”
    He said “How do you expect to get dates when you say those kind of things?”
    “I say it because I’m just being honest… I’m cursious…why do you keep asking me out?”
    he didn’t have an answer.
    We had a grand time all day… he has asked me out Mon & tonight… I have a presentation I’m doing so can’t see him until Friday… he texted me right now… I’ll call you when I get home… I’d love to hear about your presentation…
    I’m feeling VERY surprised right now… he is sooo leaning forward… very masculine… I like this… :-))

  23.  #23Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    I feel warm and happy that you like my name!! Mmmmm that sounds like a restaurant i would like to try… ;-+ Hawaii is on my bucket list!

  24.  #24Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    “I feel confused why does that put pressure on you?”
    He said “How do you expect to get dates when you say those kind of things?”
    “I say it because I’m just being honest… I’m cursious…why do you keep asking me out?”

    Heehee! LOVE it!!!

    Much Love,

  25.  #25Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Mercedes :*}

    and just this past friday night I thought my heart would break cause I am stilllll single… after wrking for years and years on LOVING me…
    but that can never be taken away…
    and me changing is sooo good for my children (33 yrs & 30yrs) my family and my friendships!!
    Easter was a rebirth for me!!
    I was a siren!!
    I opened the cage door…got on top of the cage and spread my wings (I picture myself as an eagle)!! and flew… ME loving ME in front of a man!!! I wouldn’t have believed it just a few weeks ago…

  26.  #26Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Oh Azure!! That is such a beautiful image! You can only continue to soar from here!!!

    Much Love,

  27.  #27Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Thank you Mercedes…

  28.  #28Pamelahealing on April 22, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Bravo ladies! Rori is truly amazing and I have referred my friend to her. I have a personal interpretation of all of this. While we may be successful in business it was not a feeling place that caused our success. We had to be strategic and sometimes even go against logic.

    In our relationships with men we become “mushy”, soft and weak we don’t think clearly. But everything in me tells me that marriage is a business? hmmmmm…. what Rori talks about is using our thinking mindset with our men and override the feelings that get us into trouble?

  29.  #29LoveAlways on April 22, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    “***AND – start Circular Dating in a non-date way right now, so you can be prepared to walk away from this man. This is not the way a “keeper” man behaves.”

    This feels like a soft cool wind on a hot sunny day. vibe changing. I would feel like spending more time in my feelings, wants and don’t wants than worrying about HIM, his problem or the relationship. I would personally need a break from so much thinking and being triggered by his deal.

  30.  #30Zia on April 22, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    Whoops, new thread. From previous thread

    Azure Blu 57: Yes you are bang on! I FEEL loved. And I feel like I can love him without having to say it. When I have said it in the past it has come from an almost anxious, needy, clingy, overwhelming energy. This time feels so different. Sometimes he says things to me and in my head I respond “I love you too”. This feels good 🙂

  31.  #31Tereana on April 22, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Um, fun fact: it’s weird to me that the example is a nail in the head, because my ex-fiancé used to do that. Among other things, it was a party trick he learned, where he could put a long nail up his nose without hurting himself. Really more of a circus act. I never saw him do it. Or the other things. I think I would have been too grossed out..and it was hard for me to think of him doing those things

  32.  #32Millie on April 22, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Wow…what a scary thing to hear…I’ve been with man that “are in a bad place” even if they don’t admit it in those words and it is hard not to give them a solution, but it does have to come from within themselves. Even now, when I chat with my ex and hear how unhappy he is at his job, which to me seems like an easy thing to fix, for him…is a an uphill battle. The best thing to do is listen, offer, support, and for me…walk away.

  33.  #33Tereana on April 22, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    So, I saw M today, and it brought up a lot of feelings. Is bed. Feeling quite happy and content with the breakup. And then that feeling was shaken a little. And afterward, I hung out with my friend who’s husband is Indian. I heard their wedding story for the first time, and it made me feel sad and jealous, mainly because it’s exactly like the type of wedding I would like (or similar, not exactly), and of course it sounded fun, and now they are married and having fun all the time, and my friend has no qualms about people being late, or rather about being late herself. I’ve noticed she seems to operate largely on Indian standard time now (aka late by an hour or more on a regular basis and canceling or rescheduling frequently. It’s made me question our friendship, but now I see it differently). See, I’ve made a big effort in my life to “get control” over my timing. I felt out of control, rushing, being late to things all the time. So I concentrated, figured it out, got up on that horse, and now I am on time effortlessly, almost automatically. And I feel great inside when I do this. But I feel even more at a disadvantage in some ways, because it makes me less tolerant. Like with M.

    I could have stuck it out. I could have calmed myself, relaxed, and reminded myself that he loved me. But no. I made a big deal out of it. I rejected him because of it. To “protect myself” or something. But really, this is the pattern: when a man loves me, and especially if I care about him, I will find a way to make it not work. I will push him away. Then I will run, or both at once.

    I felt so sad thinking of this tonight. But it makes no difference now. I still have to trust that i made the right choice, and the fact that I get to see this now is helping me. I hope.

    G-d, I hope so, because I really want to be able to succeed in being in a loving relationship. I don’t want to kept pushing away the people that love me : (

  34.  #34Tereana on April 22, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Emerson, thanks for hugs on the last thread : )

  35.  #35Mandy on April 22, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Totally pertains to me.

    J was chatting for all hours of the night with a neighbor’s guest, which is fine, no problem. But he happens to be incredibly obnoxious and imposing.

    They moved their little party into our tiny studio apartment where I was trying to sleep, and were so loud, I had to get up. It was 5 am. J then completely guilt-tripped me into letting this guy, this stranger, crash on our couch, even though J pays no bills for our place and doesn’t have much say in what happens in this apartment until he is paying his half of the bills.

    Point being, I felt very angry, unheard and ignored by J because he pushed me into the decision at last minute I didn’t want to make, when I was deliriously tired. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep then, with some guy on my couch, so I was up on my computer… I thought, if it bugs him that I’m up on my computer, tough stuff, we didn’t invite the guy over.
    Well, the guy kept turning over and looking at me at every move I made. I got out a bottle of Benadryl to take one, and he was eagerly asking if I was taking pills, and what kind they were.
    After that, I’d just had enough, and was creeped out to the point I finally got the courage to write J a note, slip out of the apartment while he was sleeping and bus it to a comfier place – my parent’s house…and I did not feel bad about if J didn’t like it…for the first time.

    The reason why I’m telling you ladies this is because it is a major breakthrough for me. I know Rori coaches us to walk away when we’ve had enough, after strongly surrendering, but I always would end up frozen, more concerned about his feelings than mine. I never had the heart to make him feel lonely or abandoned.
    But today…it was the very first time I gave myself permission to take the liberty of opting out and leaving the environment we were both in to go to a more peaceful one and get some sleep, exercise, see my cat, and feel the unconditional love and peacefulness at my parent’s house. It was so soothing. It really helped.

    Just had to announce how proud I feel I got over than hump and left him wondering a little! He apologized for dumping the guest on me and said it wouldn’t happen again.

  36.  #36Millie on April 22, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    So I went to Vegas this weekend with a girlfriend for an event. It was soooo much fun! I love getting all dolled up and having a ball! The strange thing is though….I didn’t feel attracted to any guys. Usually when I go to event or to a bar, I’ll find at least one guy I’d like to talk to..nada! My guy friend is giving me lots of compliments which feels nice. The girl I went with is “Jessica”, the friend I wrote about on the previous thread. We get along amazingly, but I did notice one difference between us, neither is wrong or right. She knew a lot of people, but many didn’t come this year to the event. So saturday night, she was feeling like “where is everyone?” and in constant search of people. The people we did find, were in my opinion, not really worthy of our company. I didn’t know that many people and am used to going places alone. I’m single, so that’s what I do when I’m meeting friends, I go alone! I’m used to it, so not finding people she knew didn’t phase me. I came primarily to dance anyway, so that’s what I did! She was used to dancing with her bf who didn’t come, so she danced with a few guys and then sat down because she felt nervous and it didn’t flow for her. It made me realize that while I might display “needy” tendencies when I’m reaching out for a man for company, I’m really a very independent person. I can have a great time alone, with people I hardly know. I don’t need people around that I know…being single has really strengthened that in me. I really can stand on my own two feet and I like that about myself. Knowing that I’m not needy has actually helped me to identify “needy” behaviors that I do, or used to do…

    The biggest thing right now that feels like it is sinking in, is to not give off the “friend zone” idea to a man that I potentially want to date. I see the difference now. It’s ok to ask a guy out to go do whatever if you see him only as a friend, but if I do that with a man I like, who I feel interested in, it sends the wrong message and I have no leverage. For example I asked Mechanic to meet for drinks a few weeks ago, He said yes and picked me up, but he didn’t come to the door. That didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t a date, so I felt I had no leverage to say I wanted that. I can’t state how I want to be treated if I’m leading, if I’m directing how I want his energy to go…I see how that makes sense now, and I feel it in my gut. I can say whatever I want when his energy is coming towards me, but If mine is going towards him and I’m telling him what I want him to do….it’s not a good vibe at all.

    So that’s me right now. I think it’s good!

  37.  #37Millie on April 22, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Also…my “not good” feeling about him not coming to the door, really had nothing to do with that, it had to do with the fact that I wanted to go on a date with this man and I put myself in a “less than” position by reaching out for less than what I wanted. I gave up my power then…..and not in the vulnerability sense….
    When I think about him…I realize that I’ve like him since the first moment we met, which was around early November/late October 2013. Wow….I’m still hung up on this guy after ALL that time..and we still haven’t gone on a REAL date! Ugh…….what does that say :/

  38.  #38Veronica on April 22, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Wow, if I had read this two years ago I would have definitely walked away. Definitely not keeper behaviour.

  39.  #39sami on April 23, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Mercedez, thank you for your advice. I will keep it close to my heart… 🙂

    ooo..what fun to have a free pass for your SPA..I definitely have to make this trip 🙂 I just had a lonnnng talk with an old girlfriend and wow it does feel damn good to connect with other sirens..with women who can feel your feelings and still show you the objective right way ahead…

    I feel good. Thanks for being around sirens 🙂 And much much love to you Mercedez. Muah

  40.  #40Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Mandy 33
    I love your breakthrough around walking away from a situation you were NOT comfortable in!!
    I believe, when we take up for ourselves, self LOVE grows and grows and we TRUST ourselves more and more!!
    Hurray!!! 🙂

  41.  #41Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 6:33 am

    Zia 28.
    Yeah the needy, anxious place and in my case controlling and insisting he say “I love you” when I wanted him to say it….
    I do like what you’re doing now…. softly thinking ILY in my head… like my little lovely secret until the time is right. For me that would be when he says it to me. ;-}

  42.  #42Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 6:42 am

    My baby sister called yesterday when I was at work that her boyfriend was treating her badly. She doesn’t have a car and is a 4 hour drive away. I immediatly offered to come get her. Ninja happened to text me when I was packing up my desk to leave work so I told him quickly what I was doing and that I’d talk to him later. He said ‘swing by my office (its on the way) and I’ll drive’ and I felt instant gripping PANIC. I was feeling stressed and worried and dishevelled and a little crazy. And I was smoking after being off them 2 months! I decided to be brave and said ‘Thank you but no. I feel really stressed and I’m smoking and I don’t want you to see me like this!’ He called straight away laughing saying all the more reason for him to drive and said ‘just let me’ so I agreed.

    He drove the whole way there, made me laugh til tears rolled down my cheeks, held my hand, stopped off for food and coffees and gas and pointed out things on the road to distract me. I felt so cared for and comforted. He also asked me to make him a list of the things around the house that need to be fixed and he will bring his tools up on the weekend. And he made all sorts of plans for trips for us to take, invited me to activities he attends and people he wants me to meet. Some of these things are as far away as December.. I sat there with no makeup on, hair a mess and smelling of smoke feeling utterly astonished.

    We packed up my sister’s stuff with her and drove the 4 hours back. It was after 1am when we got home. Then he stayed at my place and wrapped me up in his arms really tight all night even though he had to go to work today in yesterday’s clothes and he was 2 hours late because he had to take public transport as I live nowhere near his office.

    I feel loved and I like it.

  43.  #43Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 6:47 am

    I am truly amazed at how life gets better and things shift each time I feel fear or embarrassment and chose to be really brave and speak up. I feel awesome.

  44.  #44LoveAlways on April 23, 2014 at 6:57 am

    I feel happy and soooo excited today!!! This feels so good!

  45.  #45LoveAlways on April 23, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Kyla that is awesomely beautiful!

  46.  #46Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Its National Aministrative Professionals Day in North America so if you have an assistant or secretary please do something nice to show them how much you appreciate them today and share the love 🙂

    I just bought my secretary flowers and a scratch card and picked up coffee and donuts for all the support staff and then I convinced my boss to take them out for lunch later. They are all laughing and crying in the kitchen, its awesome. I feel very good. Doing and giving feels really really good. I like sharing my appreciation.

  47.  #47Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Thanks LoveAlways! <3

  48.  #48Julie on April 23, 2014 at 8:32 am

    My partner and I have been dating 3 yrs..he is 54 I am 53 is very much a person that says what he thinks if it hurts or not!
    After a discussion last year we agreed on selling our homes this spring and buying one together.
    We have had long conversations recently and he wants me to put my house up for sale first…reasons being.
    1. He does not want to temporary move into my house whilst his is sold ..loves my cottage but hates the area.
    2. Feels mine will take longer than his to sell.
    3. He gets up very early for work and the thirty minute extra commute he feels will be too much for him.( he would have to get up around 5)
    4. He really wants us to live nearer his home town when we do settle.
    Reasons…more to do there…easy access via train system…more facilities etc etc

    He has stressed that this is a massive step for him and he has his reservations….he does not want us to get bored with each other…he does not like humdrum….he likes his own space sometimes ….watching football etc etc when he wants.
    The only advantage he can come up with to doing this is….he will get the cleaning done and washing ( he said that half joking) and it will be nice to have someone to come home to.
    He said last night “ I feel you really want this to happen more than I do”.
    If I had not brought the subject up over 12 months ago he would have just possibly let the relationship just drift along.

    I really feel strongly that I need to know where this is all going. I am not at all a person who can carry on a relationship for years and years just living apart and seeing each other 3 nights a week.!
    I find it really unsettling and hard going. He wants the commitment a long term he did say its not what he wants to be on his own forever and he does not want to lose me! He tells me he loves me lots a times.
    Searching in my soul when we make love though I do not feel the love coming from him…I feel its more sexual. It saddens me at times but not expressed this to him.
    He does fly off the handle quickly very short tempered at times..hates being wrong! Likes to be in control and in charge!.
    He does have a soft side ..he does hold my hand a lot and caresses me.
    I feel so churned up right now…I feel so nauseas.
    The Estate Agents have done the measuring up and waiting on taking the photos! I do not know what to do. I really want us to get a home together. We both live in our ex marital homes and I feel we need a fresh start. I am not happy to live at his house..for many reasons. He is not happy to live in mine.
    The comments he made last night have really hurt me. I want him to buy a home with me because really wants to …..not just because he dose not want to lose me! He is not being very enthusiastic about it.
    He just says he is prepared to give it a go.
    What I really want is for him to say come on lets get going and get sorted.
    Me selling first is making me feel very vulnerable.
    He has promised he will not give me back word. Once mine is sold he wants me to move in with him until he sells his.
    Its not going to be easy .for many practical reasons…and I feel will be under his rule. I will have to pay to put my furniture and things in storage.
    My Sister is not at all happy well annoyed with him. She feels he is being selfish and childish. Also feels he says too much which can be hurtful and she would dump him. I don’t want to dump him I love him.

    Please please help

    Love and Light

  49.  #49sami on April 23, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Hi Julie
    I am sorry you feel this way. I hope some of the coaches around will help you.

    But it does seem to me as though you are laying much focus on the relationship to move forward and he feels it and he is stepping back in the energy bubble 🙁 May be you have to start circular dating, definitely not sell your house as it makes you feel vulnerable and you don´t want to feel that way since you don´t feel full commitment from this man. If I were you, I would step back big time. Whoa! This man is trying to pull me off my horse. I don´t want to be dragged around. May be the coaches and sirens here could help you with a power script –

    i really love you and want this to work but it has to feel like we both want it for us. Right now, I do not feel your full commitment towards this step and that is fully ok. you have the right to take as much time as you want to decide on it. But until then, I dont feel safe giving up my house and my comfort for someone I don´t feel complete commitment from. Also, I will start accepting coffee dates with other men because I want to feel safe with a man who is totally devoted to me. Sexually, if we want, we can remain exclusive.

    Something on these lines ? Ah. I wish you lots and lots of inner peace, strength and confidence to know that YOU are the prize. Love to you.

  50.  #50sami on April 23, 2014 at 8:56 am

    and sirens I will now onwards be posting as – sweet goddess on the blog.

  51.  #51sweet goddess on April 23, 2014 at 8:57 am

    yay. im here .. sami is the sweet goddess 🙂

  52.  #52Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 9:10 am


    He said last night “I feel you really want this to happen more than I do”. – How did you feel when he said this? How do you feel about this now? Can you write out a feeling message script around this and share how you feel about this with him? Can you ask him if he can help you?

    Change is scary. Committment is scary. Selling our home is scary. Fear tells me I need to be brave and make a leap of faith towards more love, love for myself, or stay stuck where I am. The direction is not always clear. Which direction resonates deeply in my heart? Which one makes me feel alive and free? Which option fills me with dread and pain?

    (((Julie))) xxxxoooo

  53.  #53Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Jumping off here.. I like the idea that our home reflects our body and vice versa. It reminds me that how I treat my body, my home and my surroundings speaks volumes about how I feel about myself. Where I’m not loving myself. Where I feel I am undeserving.. of nice things, good treatment. It reminds me to take loving care of me. I bought a beautiful daisy plant the other day to brighten up my kitchen. I feel remoreful that I have hated my home since moving in last September. I feel so much better about it now that I am cleaning it and filling it with scented candles, plants and soft colours. I feel better that I am taking lots of salt baths and drinking more water. I’m sorry for punishing myself when I felt bad. I feel grateful to be loving me better now.

  54.  #54Miss Bells on April 23, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Just wondering what to say/do when the man is beating himself up/talking at length about what he sees as his mistakes/putting himself down.
    He used to get judgey about ME but I won’t allow that anymore.
    Should I just leave the area until he snaps out of it?
    This happens a LOT.
    I am in my late 50s and he is almost 65. We have been together for a long time and we live together. He isn’t shutting me out or distancing himself. Just being his depressed self.

  55.  #55Veronica on April 23, 2014 at 9:42 am

    I was battling to post – I wrote all my emotions down and explored, when I press send – it disappeared page wouldn’t load (growling siren in training here) – boo : (

    But then I could also make it up: yeah I finally figured out the meaning of life and love and poof, the internet stole it and hid it away : P

    I’m so glad to be able to access the blog

  56.  #56Veronica on April 23, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Having a siren conversation with my best friend – I am so grateful for the relationship we have- 2am convos are bliss (we live in different time zones).

  57.  #57Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Funny story that made me scream with laughter last night that perfectly demonstrated to me how men are completely focused on the need to win and they strive towards winning in everything they do.

    We are laughing about couples arguing over silly things. Ninja admits that he doesn’t like to match his socks after he does his laundry. He prefers to throw all the odd socks into a drawer. I ask him if that makes it frustrating getting dressed in the morning. He says NO! Its the best way to start the day! Finding a matching pair is his first WIN of the day and feels exciting. He’s barely awake and already he’s succeeding so today is going to be great! Then he dramatized his morning scenario for me until tears rolled down my cheeks.
    Just a little remember that men need to win 🙂

  58.  #58Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Kyla 40,
    Mmmmm… this warms my heart to hear how Ninja is SO manly!!! Taking sweet care of his darling godess!!
    Thnks for sharing wonderful things with us!!

    Kyla 50,
    I just told myself “I am soooo sorry for punishing you when I feel bad” and I gave myself a BIG HUG… it feels soft and protected when I say that to me…

  59.  #59Veronica on April 23, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Kyla – The morning sock victory is hilarious – I’m trying to imagine him telling you and am failing because I keep laughing at the thought of it.

  60.  #60Andrea on April 23, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Hi Julie… “I want him to buy a home with me because really wants to …..not just because he dose not want to lose me! He is not being very enthusiastic about it.”

    I feel such strangeness around this statement that you made. I feel the heart of your post right here. It feels like you answered your own question.

    Maybe you could restate it like this: I want a MAN who eventually wants to buy a home with me, make a future with me, create a healthful committed relationship WITH me….

    Isn’t this what you really want? A man who loves you so much that he can’t imagine living with out you? A man that is moving the relationship forward, not just acquiescing to what he thinks you want…. so as not to lose you. ???

    I feel such tenderness for you. Honestly it feels forced, and isn’t that an icky place to start a new foundation?

    You love him???? But… who loves YOU????

  61.  #61prplpsn28 on April 23, 2014 at 1:07 pm


  62.  #62Indigo on April 23, 2014 at 1:13 pm


    I am with Andrea on this one.

    It feels forced. And I’ve been in this place before – pressuring a man to make a big decision with me, and even though he acquiesced, it just didn’t feel comfortable and I didn’t feel secure.

    The way I would approach this is… decide what I really want. Do I really want this man, come what may? Am I willing to give this relationship a time limit and walk away? What do I want, the man, or the relationship of my dreams? What do I need to feel secure, and what do I need in general from a relationship?

    Once I’ve answered these questions very honestly, for MYSELF, I would take a small step back from the house decision. I would NOT sell my house first if that does not feel safe to me. I would practice speaking my feelings in a gentle, feminine way, about the house issue, and also about the things he says which hurt me.

    Having more clarity on what I want, I would either feel comfortable to go ahead with the relationship, or start pulling back and doing things without him, my own passions and interests, dating the world.

    [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

  63.  #63Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Andrea…. Very well put… for her and for me.
    Thanks for being your fabulous Siren Self!!

  64.  #64Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    You mentioned this man says hurtful things and your family and friends are worried about you…
    I just walked away from a 4 month exclusive relationship with a man who was VERY generous, was affectionate and had his sweet, open hearted side. AND he also spoke abruptly and cruelly to his family, friends and began speaking that way to me…
    Rori would ask “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – do I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

  65.  #65nyx on April 23, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    much as I’m in no way experienced in dating or starting a new relationship (I’m mainly an observer, not any doer, sadly), I wouldn’t ever recommend you to sell your house at this moment/in this situation. All his reasons ARE valid, but this will still put you into a dependant situation with your man. Bad things happen even with the nicest guys when a woman does, I’ve observed. Even the really good men starts backing off, or value the woman less. The bad men… it is like you handed them an owner’s license of yourself on a silver platter. (That said, it is clear yours is a nice one). I do think it would be healthy for you, this guy and your relationship that he suddenly realizes he cannot take you for granted, nor is he doing you a favour “giving up his freedom”. What about your freedom? What about the favour you’re doing him? I have a feeling no huge changes are needed, just posing the question, turning things the other way around, might make wonders. Something made him start up on the thoughts of selling and living together. Remind him of his own thoughts and decisions 😉

    All sirens here are giving wonderful advice. Very thoughtful, caring and concerned, yet balanced. I’m amazed to see this among women, really looking out for each other’s best. I’m feeling more appreciative of this than I can ever express in words.

    Also, Kyla, thank you for your ongoing posts about Ninja. It gives us a live example of what a keeper looks like. His comment “All the more reason for me to come” etc- is true love if I ever saw it 🙂

  66.  #66Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Mandy, that’s awesome! What a great “move” on your part.

  67.  #67Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Millie, 35 – I fight know if it “says” anything, but clearly this guy holds some special attraction for you, regardless of whether he’s really “right” for you or not. Boy, do I know what that’s like…!

  68.  #68Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    So yesterday, I saw M very briefly, as I mentioned. He was just dropping off something for me to borrow. And now I feel kind of worse, because he clearly didn’t want to really see me or talk to me. He kept checking his watch and saying that he had to go shampoo his rug. (Which was true, but it was still an excuse to just check out). I asked him to stay and chat with me for a few minutes and we shared a quick hug. But boy, do I feel the disconnect. I honestly don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.

    I know that, at times – sitting at work, for example, I’ll feel “fine.” I’ll feel calm. No drama. I’ll feel, everything is ok and as it should be. And then, out in the world, I’ll feel something different.

    Like today, just now, I passed through the train station again, on my way home. I did not feel the same urge to jump on his line as I did on Monday. After the fact I felt like I took a brief trip to crazy-town, just to even think that. But what if it wasn’t? What if it was a really good, solid instinct, which I just up and ignored? I almost have no idea. I don’t really know if I can fully trust myself, my feelings, my emotions, my choices, or decisions right now. I feel really a bit lost at sea, and as if I have no compass. I’m just being blown around and riding on the waves, and I don’t even really have a boat, I’m just swimming….

  69.  #69Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Does anyone here have any experience with T. Gondii? It’s not a relationship expert, it’s a parasite that lives in cats and is excreted in their feces. It can transfer to humans, and reportedly can have some effects on behavior, because it will “camp out” in the brain and other tissues. It’s a little but scary, because I’ve been exposed to cats my whole life, and I live them, but I seriously wonder if I’ve been infected by this. It doesn’t necessarily show any symptoms unless you have a compromised immune system. And I asked a doctor one time about it, and she totally dismissed it. But if it’s detected, it might be treatable, I’m not sure. I would at least like to get a blood test to know the answer. I hate feeling like I am “crazy” and doing things that I don’t like, and making decisions that don’t feel at all in line with what I truly want and desire. And I’m not looking for an “out” or an excuse. I just really want an answer, to know if it really is “something” that’s not me. Because it doesn’t feel like me. And all that I’ve done, with psychology, with pharmaceuticals, with meditation, with diet, with exercise, sleep – you name it. It only goes so far. I feel like there must be a bigger answer. I hate feeling this way. And if this bug, this parasite, could be in any way a part of why I keep pushing away the people and relationships that I love…well, then I definitely want to know what is going on in that respect. Given the fact that my mom’s cats have always been outdoor cats, and we’ve had many of them, I feel there is a very high likelihood or possibility I’ve been exposed to this bacteria. Anybody ever run into this before?

  70.  #70Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    T. Gondii is possibly one source of the “crazy cat lady” archetype, some people think

  71.  #71Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment….

  72.  #72Mandy on April 23, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Sirens, I have a particular on-topic question…

    I explained to a friend of mine that my J is in a “Bad Place” (depressed and ill) and that he drinks, but he is a loyal and good man. She asked me how can he be a good guy if he is drunk all the time? She says I should leave him, but this is the same friend who has terrible, awful relationship after terrible, awful relationship…we’re talking with married men and people who make her want to hurt them.

    This really bugs me. I know about the Toxic Men program, and it says a Toxic Man can actually be a good guy inside, or he can literally be Toxic through and through. I believe J is a good man who I am coming to from a place of non-judgement.

    Can anyone help me out here? I feel very bothered by her statement. She is a friend and so I do respect her opinion/advice. But it is confusing getting advice from a friend who has a brutal track record in love…

  73.  #73Linda on April 23, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    Kyla I am quite enjoying your posts. I especially liked your scripting post. I am going to cut and paste it. My biggest challenge in life is expressing my thoughts in feminine energy. Of course I was not even able to label my feelings well. That has taken me about a year to get tuned in to them.

    I am encouraged reading your posts.

    The comment that you made about moving toward love resonates with me. I feel stuck. Even though I have done lots to my home, (basically have redone it inside and out) I am so limited by $ that I cant do the rest of what I want. The frustration is becoming content in my circumstance while dreams and visions poke at me to put feet on them. I feel pretty antsy actually. I can feel me spontaneously “busting a move” soon. (no I am not talking about dancing lol)

    I received a pretty potted plant for Admin day today. First time ever in my career life. The director of nursing at the hospital gave it to me today… her staff does not care much for her but she is ok really. It made me smile.

  74.  #74Linda on April 23, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    I have noticed that we all are so honest here. We tell it like it is what we are feeling etc. It is also my observation that when it comes to us living it out loud lots of us dont.

    I know that when I was in my last relationship I was sure aware of what I was feeling but I was not expressing it. Just keeping internal notes and lists.

    I see now how detrimental that was. I often wonder if I had been more communicative about everything if things would have still turned out as they did. It is not that I want a re-do. I am just feeling curious and is a continuation of my exploring in my mind how I could turn around things in my life so I can get what I want in it. hmmmm

  75.  #75Linda on April 23, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Julie.. I feel uneasy for you reading about your situation. Commitment does require changes and a bit if grappling with fear. Your feelings are coming up to be listened to. Sink in and explore them.

    If I were in your situation I would be very reluctant to sell my house etc until “I” was sure I was doing the right thing for “me”. Even though I feel stuck in my home.. it does afford me a place of security. It is something I would find very difficult to let go of, especially with the red flags you have encountered recently.

    I can see your points totally. If it were me, I would decide what did feel good and doable and propose that as a possible solution. Maybe shopping for a house together and both moving into it… both leaving where you are now. I know there are many factors at play. Just because a man presents a plan does not mean that is gonna work for you.

    Speak your heart, fears and all if that is what you feel is best and see what happens. Perhaps it will lead to the connection you seem to be missing or expose that it is not the right thing.

    hugs to you.

  76.  #76Emerson on April 23, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    31 tereana
    Verrry interesting to read about the Indian culture being late and rescheduling /cancelling…
    I also reacted negatively with cutecityCD over this. Just interesting to read what you had to say in this post.
    I too push people away. Lately I’ve been second guessing myself about a breakup from 10 years ago and feeling frustrated with myself over it. I know it was the right choice for me but I still rehash the past. A lot.
    20 azure blue
    It feel stood to read your words to me.
    Well that cd than wanted me to pick him up is crossed off the list. It went from bad to worse to just silly. He asked me to pick him up from work. I am sorry but that just feels strange.
    For a first meeting?
    I dunno.

    I’m feeling like all the good ones are taken and here I am just a leftover. I blew it by not meeting the right one.
    Oh dear, I need to stop thinking this way.

  77.  #77Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Mandy 66
    I do know when you do the Toxic Man questions Rori rates excessive alcohol or drug use as 10 on the toxic scale… where did J fall on the Toxic Man chart?

    Also I’m remembering C. Carter saying it isn’t a good sign when your friends and family don’t like your boyfriend…
    I know I couldn’t let go of a Toxic Man (2 yrs) even though my friends (some of which did not have good relationships themselves) and family did not feel good about the way I was letting him treat me.
    I knew they were right…
    Through emotional agony, sleepless nights, buckets of tears… I kept studying and practicing the RR way…
    working on Loving ME, learning about my feelings and expressing them to men and everyone
    There came a glorious day when I realized I DESERVE to be cherished, loved and adored… and told him never to contact me again!!!

  78.  #78Daria on April 23, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    oh i feel THRILLED to see Rori write man speeches

    yes yes yes/!!!!

  79.  #79Veronica on April 23, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    An interesting moment happened when I was chatting to my friend – our communication has become more honest and open with each other especially over the past year. Last night’s conversation was very open – she’s going through as much change as I am – and I noticed that our feeling messages were just flowing at some point and how inspired we became. I have been questioning over the past week or so if there may be some people that feeling messages “work with” much more productively than others. By “work with” I mean where I actually feel energy flowing to me as opposed to feeling drained by being so open and being the only one doing that.

  80.  #80Mandy on April 23, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    Azure – 71 –

    I am not sure as I’ve never purchased Toxic Men, I was too busy with 3 other programs and coaching and the blog. I hate to say it but I’m on SSI, parents paying my rent, and get less than $420 a month to live on, so the monthly payments are a huge part of my check and I have to make sure I have it covered. I would love to know about the scale and I’ve been wondering what the Toxic scale IS. I need this program SO BAD.

    My friends and family do like him, they just don’t like how he lives. That’s the confusing part. There’s been a lot of emotional meltdowns and some serious drama. On the other hand, he’s gotten himself on health insurance, gone to the doctor by himself, gotten himself on psych meds, and scheduled us for couples counseling, and even went to the doc impromptu when he thought he was having an emergency…by himself. I am very seriously impressed by him manning up like that. No other man I’ve ever known would ever swallow his pride enough to go to couples counseling, and that shows me something that feels incredibly important. I see his effort and I feel his energy towards me and I feel very good about it.

    Here’s the kicker. He might have to go through rehab, and I’ve been through it before and come out the other end still in the relationship, and also been through it before and been broken up with. He might have to go away from the whole world for as long as three months. And so if that happens, well, let’s just say…I will need you ladies more than ever before. I know I will need to change a lot of things.

    So…here’s to the calm before the storm. I feel very worried and scared.

  81.  #81Veronica on April 23, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    I’m surprised by BearCD – I thought he would have poofed when there was talk of more connected communication. Instead he asked what he could do to help that happen. It’s as though things just upped a level and he’s so interested in what I have to say and what I did. That curiosity is new for me. I really want to explore how talking about our own aspirations will happen – it seems like a sireny thing to do, getting all passionate about what I want for my life. I do feel a weak temptation to talk about where this is going and whether we’re a match or not, but it doesn’t hold much appeal for me. I’m more interested in having a more open me pitch up.

  82.  #82Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Emerson – thanks! Good to know it is not just me with the timing thing. I know that in his heart M never “meant” anything by being late. He loved me, and as he said, he was giving me good time, as in time that was “prime real estate,” I’m his schedule, like weekends. I tried and failed to tell him that lateness is something that makes me feel unloved and un-cared-for, whereas someone who is on time for me or a little bit early makes me feel really super good. I tried…and he was punctual at times. I told him I liked that, too. I don’t know how it got to be such a big “thing.” Oh well.

    But anyway, the pushing people away thing… I wish there was a course, or some material I could study on how to be IN a relationship and how to STAY in one. Because I have little to no experience with that. I feel I’ve got the “attraction” part down, because that’s where I’ve focused all my attention, believing that was really a hard thing to do and that “no one” would ever actually love me. So I guess when people do show up and love me I am totally unprepared for that eventuality. I have no idea what to do with it. Whoa. I must totally abnegate them, and begin a fault-finding quest and/or act really badly in order to prove them wrong. Because I must be “right” that I a unlovable and therefore it is impossible that they could love me. Hm…wow this is interesting.

    Thank you for provoking these thoughts!

  83.  #83Tereana on April 23, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Veronica, I agree. I think feeling statements and messages “work with” some people better than others.

    I’ve been practicing them even with some people I know they won’t work with, only because I reasoned that they would work with me, even if there wasn’t any positive effect or result with the other person. That said, I do also believe there are times when not making a feeling statement is warranted, because it does create intimacy and vulnerability, and in some moments that may not be the best thing…

  84.  #84Mandy on April 23, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Oh – I wanted to write this before I forgot –

    Leigha, I wanted to let you know your homework assignment of not “picking up the fire hose” worked, he definitely picked it up, and I could tell he felt very comfy initiating conversation and he was just as natural and flowing as he could be. When I think about it it feels very warm and makes me smile.

    However, I tried initiating sex, and he said he just wanted to watch shows right now, which means he wants to drop all problems and challenges and wants to zone out, he wants to drop the fire hose. I did feel rejected, but I did my very best to accept no for an answer – “you can’t always get what you want”.

    He says, when I watch shows with him, it may sound very funny, but it means the world to him. What I sense is that he is so confused, sad, scared and anxious, when I join him in letting it all go for awhile by watching shows, he is so grateful he could squeeze the stuffing out of me. His watching shows is his way of escaping his pain. He is a genius at opting out. When he opts out, I cannot reach him by doing anything, except leaning WAY back. I know this isn’t healthy and I know I can’t fix it. He needs a professional. But I also know his escapism isn’t my fault, has nothing to do with me, so I shouldn’t choose to feel badly for it.

    So I am waiting for the doctor and couples-therapist appointments, and being as gentle with myself as possible. I wanted to let you know I didn’t forget, and I did the homework. It does work for us being balanced when being with each other but I think the big guns (counseling) are needed for the intimacy issue. He recently admitted abuse during childhood and that takes a therapist to handle I think. I will keep you updated on all this, especially on my end, and I thank you deeply for hearing me out and helping me find a working way to allow communication between us flow, it feels very good and so natural. This is an essential lesson for me as I have always been encouraged to run and grab that fire hose!


  85.  #85Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Mandy 74.
    Ohhhh… I feel excited to hear alll of the action he is taking!! I didn’t realize…
    The Toxic Man program there are 28 questions (I can’t find my work sheets) to discover whether your man is toxic, difficult or one other. Sorry this isn’t very helpful.
    I took the test several times over the last year I was with my Toxic man and as I Loved myself more I made less and less excuses for him and he showed up as more and more toxic on the scale… :-/
    It feels so wonderful to hear about a man wanting to go to couples counseling!! I have never experienced that…
    I can understand how scared you would feel looking at a 3 month separation which will mean both of you changing so much…
    Mandy, know we will be here to help, listen and support!! (((hugs)))

  86.  #86Azure Blu on April 23, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    Tereana 76,
    I feel confused and lost also when it comes to MAINTAINING a relationship…
    I have been CDing for years and the longest a relationship has lasted is 2 years….
    i’m hoping as I love myself more and more and use FM the RR way… I will be able to stop pushing the good men away and be able to maintain emotional intimacy for long term.

  87.  #87Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    Thanks Linda! That feels so good to hear. And I hear you on how difficult it is to even figure out how you feel never mind express it! When I started doing feeling messages 4 years ago I found I could only really identify feeling good, bad and weird. Sometimes sad and mad but mostly I’d stick to good, bad or weird because I just didn’t know how I felt besides numb and tired! Up until this recent round of CDing I was still using a feeling chart I found online to help me figure out what the sensation was and try out different labels on the feelings I had to see which one fit! Its pretty funny that it took me 4 years to feel confident that I knew how I was feeling!
    As with speaking up and scripting, that’s really only the last maybe 2 months and I’m testing/feeling it out on everyone. I feel so inspired being on the blog and it definitely helps keep me focused on my goal: to finally learn how to love me and not just pay lip service to the notion. I think I spent 3 months telling myself I was sorry and hugging myself while I cried before I was able to look in the mirror and say ‘I love you’ without feeling disgust. That feels sad to admit.

  88.  #88Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    (((Mandy))) I feel such huge waves of compassion for your situation. I’ve been in it so many times. I’ve hesitated from commenting as I am afraid of projecting my own painful experience. It hurts to see someone we love in pain and we get so wrapped up in their feelings and what good people they are if only they could help themselves and we feel guilt for wanting more. Just keep in mind that you are here on siren island where the focus is you, not him or anyone else. Just keep bringing it all back to you, what you need, how you feel, what your dream relationship looks like.. He’s in a bad place right now BUT please don’t let that be a excuse for settling for less than. I’m sorry and please forgive me if I have offended you. Love to you.

  89.  #89Kyla on April 23, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    I have had the best night ever and I feel wonderful and sleepy. Sweet dreams dear sirens xxxxoooo

  90.  #90Cécilia on April 23, 2014 at 11:48 pm


    Refusing blowjobs is a tricky touchy delicate talk.
    One of the things he said was he felt disappointment. I felt a little scared and worried about letting him down… Now, I feel really proud and empowered for respecting my boundaries there.

    I believe that the talk we had after led to more intimacy and connection than any oral sex would of… (:

  91.  #91sweet goddess on April 24, 2014 at 1:54 am

    Kyla.. I have to confess that I also feel happy and empowered reading your posts and where you come from. I literally feel your clarity and inner peace reflecting in what you write, from so far away.
    My husband is also going currently through a really rough patch at work. The sex is down. And he has a bad mood daily. However, when he returns, he still helps me with housework and also my consultancy work for which I depend on him quite a bit..as he is the mathematical brain between the two of us. I can literally feel his pain and find myself often leaning forward, often pre-occupied with his disappointments at the work place and often wondering how I can be easy on him. He sent me a text from work yesterday saying he is so thankful to have me in his life…that he is feeling shut down by external things and that this is not about me..he wrote this to me himself without me saying anything. However, I do feel a bit sexually neglected.. and find myself missing his attention.. But isn´t this NORMAL part of life? Of going through a rough patch together as friends? I feel cautious of not over-doing to ease him…and yet i feel impatient..I want him to recover and the sex back etc etc. Ah. it feels a bit scary at the moment although he does everything that a husband who is stressed but still loves u would do..

  92.  #92sami on April 24, 2014 at 1:55 am

    Kyla.. I have to confess that I also feel happy and empowered reading your posts and where you come from. I literally feel your clarity and inner peace reflecting in what you write, from so far away.
    My husband is also going currently through a really rough patch at work. The sex is down. And he has a bad mood daily. However, when he returns, he still helps me with housework and also my consultancy work for which I depend on him quite a bit..as he is the mathematical brain between the two of us. I can literally feel his pain and find myself often leaning forward, often pre-occupied with his disappointments at the work place and often wondering how I can be easy on him. He sent me a text from work yesterday saying he is so thankful to have me in his life…that he is feeling shut down by external things and that this is not about me..he wrote this to me himself without me saying anything. However, I do feel a bit sexually neglected.. and find myself missing his attention.. But isn´t this NORMAL part of life? Of going through a rough patch together as friends? I feel cautious of not over-doing to ease him…and yet i feel impatient..I want him to recover and the sex back etc etc. Ah. it feels a bit scary at the moment although he does everything that a husband who is stressed but still loves u would do..

  93.  #93Linda on April 24, 2014 at 4:36 am

    Kyla. My journey started with me painting myself with love. It is my default dance posistion now. I certainly was very unhappy with me all the time. I would feel self hatred, see a unlovely person in the mirror. I used to say that if things did not go the way I wanted then I simply was at fault and I needed to try/work harder and make it happen. I used to believe and confess that I was the “queen of almost”… So my mantra was.. everything was my fault and I was never gonna be sucessful really.

    It all started to shift when I found this community and blog over 7 years ago and simply stood in the mirror and painting myself with love.

    Today I like me…no LOVE me…. I am the only me I got ! In my quest to be happy I stopped looking for a man to complete me. I am complete! I stopped believing that I just had to have a man in my life to be happy. If anything I have found it is less complicated and easier without one. Still I know that I am not made to be alone and do not have the gift of singleness. I am drawn to coupling.

    Life can pull you right down into the trenches. Stepping out in the face of the unknown, taking a chance even though we feel shakey and unsure internally and it not producing the desired results will do it to. I have baby stepped my way thru and picked myself up and instead of beating myself up and self loathing like I used to, I simply dont go there anymore. I have flipped my script.

    I am interested in the document you said you found online that helped you understand your feelings… I feel curious about whether it would be helpful to me.

  94.  #94Tereana on April 24, 2014 at 4:39 am

    Emerson – from the last thread: what if you haven’t missed your window? What if it hasn’t opened yet? : )

    Azure Blu – wow, I was just reading also on the last thread that you broke off an exclusive relationship last Friday. We have a lot in common! That was also the last night I had a date with M – no, wait. It was the week before. Anyway, I didn’t break up with him Friday, but the next day. Two years would actually be long for me. I always think about spending “the rest of my life” with someone. But in actual practice I’m not even sure how I would make that work – for me. I’ve never done it before (lol, that’s a joke – no one can ever “do it before.” There is only one life. We are all figuring it out, I guess as we go along…)

    Still, even though I have some good role models of relationships I admire, I still don’t feel like I know the inner workings of how that process would actually function FOR ME. With M I was amazed that, even though he checked off pretty much all the boxes of “stuff I want” in a man, and I liked him and cared about him, he still didn’t feel quite right. I trusted him, but I could never feel quite certain that he would actually be making me feel pleased and taken care if for the long term. Which is largely a personality difference. Because even though I know that he loved me, he just wasn’t speaking my “love languages.” And therefore I felt neglected.

    It’s better if I don’t see him/come in contact with him. Because that just makes me feel like I want him again..

  95.  #95Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 5:20 am

    I feel sad compassion for what you are going through…
    I have been following your story on the blog.
    I do know how it is to see the ex bf again when you are in the middle of breaking off… (I have managed NOT to do it this time)
    This action has always caused me GREAT anxiety, feelings of emotional upheavel and actual pain in my body.
    Tereana, take the time YOU need.
    Breaking up, getting space an clarity is ALWAYS messy…
    Sometimes I need to CD right away… sometimes I need to take a break…
    Listen carefully to YOU (actually hugging me always helps) and stay on the blog!! :-))

  96.  #96Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Kyla 81,
    I feel hopeful reading about your journey…
    4 years of practice and growth…
    I too have to paste and copy feeling messages I find in this Lovely blog, so I can go back and read them and find one that fits what I am feeling (besides good, bad and wierd… :-}
    This reminds me to stay in the moment… relax, let go and TRY to stop wrangling my life into where I think it SHOULD be.
    I am on a WONDERFUL path forward…
    even though most of the time I feel uncomfortable as I Love myself more and more (soooo unfamiliar to me)!!
    This week (because of your post) I have been hugging me and telling me I am sorry… it feels soooo GOOD!
    Thnk you Kyla!! :->

  97.  #97Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 5:51 am

    sami 85,
    I feel inspired to hear about a relationship that looks to me like it is working…
    Since he has pulled away what feelings has that brought up for YOU?
    Do you need to take a new look and explore YOUR POP (purpose on the planet) during this time?
    I’m not sure but for me…
    having my wife along side me while I grapple with my demons would feel AMAZING…
    I am VERY new at this but I feel warm and smiley when I read how you are THERE but not mothering or fixing him.

  98.  #98Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 6:14 am

    sami do you touch or pleasure yourself in his presence?

  99.  #99Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:33 am

    I do so appreciate it when a man takes care of his health – I feel hurt-pain when that doesn’t happen. I can sense myself feeling teary remembering that hurt-pain.

    Much love and strength to you for the rehab period, that is tough.

  100.  #100Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Tereana – Thank you for the reminder about keeping up the practice of expressing fm’s regardless of a positive or negative reaction. It’s as though the feeling messages help me to know where I am in relation to someone else or to a situation. There’s the part where I’m speaking my truth, and then there’s the curiosity about what happens to that truth once it’s spoken. Identifying when it’s necessary to say fm’s has been a bit hit-and-miss sometimes.

  101.  #101Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Azure Blu – 79 – I kind of went into ‘be alert’ mode when I read that the more you loved yourself, the more toxic your man became. That seems scary.

  102.  #102Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Kyla – yes! I battled understanding my feelings, and then to say them – the language was just so awkward. It still takes me quite a while to know what I’m really feeling. I still practice saying my fm’s to imaginary people, or via e-mail/fb. I get ‘performance anxiety’ when I have to say the really important fm’s to someone face to face.

  103.  #103Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Kyla, no offense taken at all, I am someone who was a very late bloomer with men, and I’m not surprised someone like myself could end up being very confused by a man with an addiction.

    Azure, you sure do know a lot about this it seems. I will let you all in on a little secret….I am the freaking champion of believing in people and having huge amounts of faith…

    If this man is worth pulling through for I can do it, I pulled through something similar when an ex had to go someplace to “think” because he was bi-polar with psychosis resulting from a very severe bout of depression. It wasn’t because of the hospital visit he’s my ex, it’s because I totally pushed him away accidentally but it was for the best.

    But J tells me I am his whole world. I am totally willing to give it a shot.

    I actually felt soooooo close to him when he mentioned couples counseling because it gives me permission to bring it up. I felt so close I’d almost felt like we’d just had sex!! Weird, right? But good! He feels so awful when it is brought up and like I said he is the king of zoning out, but we will see what happens once we really start digging up the shit as Rori says.

    Whenever we have that odd thing happen where we do have sex once in a blue moon it can feel like all the problems are solved. Anyone ever feel that way?

  104.  #104Kyla on April 24, 2014 at 7:05 am

    @Sweet Goddess (love your new name sami!) thank you and love to you! I do think its normal to have ups and downs and our focus shifting depending on what’s going on. I love how Rori gently reminds us to keep the focus on ourselves though and to take care of our needs. When I’ve been through sexless periods I’ve shared ‘I miss you and I crave your touch. I adore making love with you, it makes me feel so happy. When you are ready please come find me!’ and then I’ve gone and taken care of myself 🙂 He will join in when he’s ready and there is no pressure.

    @Linda YES painting myself with love was one of the first newsletters I got here. Thank you for sharing that, it felt so good hearing how it worked for you. Really beautiful 🙂 The chart is called ‘feelings inventory’ from the centre of nonviolent communication. I found it invaluable.

    Azure Blu – I feel elated that you found that helpful. I find it easier to love me when I say I’m sorry first. It feels so good and loving and gentle and it soothes me to the very core. It makes me feel trusting of myself, that I will take better care of me and stop abusing myself.

    Veronica – I felt ridiculous sharing feeling messages most of the time. Like I must sound like a complete airhead lol. I started using sounds and facial expressions rather than actual words. It helped me. Also when I’m having bad feelings I find it better to just feel right into it and listen to what it needs from me rather than express it straight away. It doesn’t always need to be shared. I like sharing the good feelings all the time though.

  105.  #105Kyla on April 24, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Mandy ‘I am the freaking champion of believing in people and having huge amounts of faith…’ Yup thats me too! Thats the beautiful truth of it, what we women do best and what leads us to sacrifice our own needs for the sake of the ones we love. Just remember to believe in yourself too 🙂

    I am so familiar with that feeling of everything feeling better after sex. I think its from the emotional release and the closeness. They say that sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. Admittedly I’ve stayed for the amazing sex in the worst of my relationships, all those stuffed down bad frustrating feelings getting released in a moment of pleasure sure was hard to turn down!

  106.  #106Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 7:46 am

    nyx hi. Lovely to see you posting. Your name makes me think of you as a cute pixie

  107.  #107Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 7:47 am

    I really feel heard here in this blog.

    You ladies have no idea what it means to me…so if you can take one thing out of today…take my little pearl of thanks and know that if I can offer anything to help you I will as well.

    Thank goodness for this blog, sometimes I don’t know what I’d do.

    I thought I had enough teaching from my mom but 🙂 She just has this down pat with my dad. She is the ultimate feminine woman. When she doesn’t feel cool about something my dad says or does, she says “Well, you can stay here, and I’m going to do the dishes”, and he runs after her EVERY time, it’s so cute! 🙂 She is SO cool. I am developing the strength to do it too, as I went to my parent’s house the other day when I had enough, but I hope it doesn’t hurt his feelings…and I know he cries when I do it. That’s always my worry, not making him mad as a lot of sirens worry about, but making him SAD. I can’t stand the thought, but sometimes it might have to happen because I can’t handle what’s going on.

    For example, my cat. I can’t tell him “no, you can’t jump on the kitchen counter”. He’s too cute, I love him too much, he has googly-eyes and he’s fuzzy, and I just go “Oh…I can’t stay mad at you…”

    Anyone ever feel that way about a guy? Can’t discipline yourself to walk away because you feel guilty doing it? I feel so guilty doing something to let him know I am not having it.

    I want the guy to feel this way about me, lol, if I mess up 🙂

  108.  #108sweet goddess on April 24, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Azure Blu – thank you… it feels good to know that you think this is perfectly normal 🙂 feels assuring. I guess im just dealing with my insecurities too while he deals with his demons and this is completely ok. Just need to stay connected to my heart core, my peace and be happy myself and that will help him recover fast 🙂

    Feminine woman – no. i don´t touch myself in front of him. May be I should? He would definitely get turned on..I mostly do it when he is not here because I need it so much…Its interesting that you ask this because I realize I judge myself for “wanting sex”…that´s why Ive probably not touched myself in front of him…it feels a bit desperate to me whereas its not..its just me judging my need…im going to experiment with this for sure..may be tonight..excited.. hihi 😀

    kyla – thank you !! that u like my new name. Dominique called me that and it resonated with me so I took it 🙂 yay. I have also said that to him… what you suggested..and he says..I miss u too..damn im so stressed !!
    Yesterday he looked at me rolling on the bed and said..oh god..I also have to take care of my little pink princess´s desires..i blushed..he always touched me..eats on my boobies etc … but the lust and energy to get through the whole thing is somehow not there…not to forget..we also spend the whole evening working on my consutlancy when he returns…so our brains are basically in full time work mode…..

    It feels soooooo good to be here with you sirens have to say… there is so much freedom in vulnerability..in being able to say one´s truth. I have to say also that with my husband, most situations work themselves out. he is such a loving and doting husband …i guess the current situation with our work pressures is just extreme and i should take a chill pill and focus ON ME 🙂 I am living a fairy tale. I should enjoy it and silent my insecurties because stress etc and rough patches are part of a real life.

    Love to you all xo

  109.  #109Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 7:50 am

    PS – to the ladies with the sex being “down”…hang in there…the “doing yourself” thing works…I found out about it in love scripts…and Dominique is a genius in this area of expertise. Find her page, and write to her, after I did, J and I were right back on track, and he just felt this overwhelming urge to be my man, and soothe me in that way, it was beautiful to watch him come back! 🙂

  110.  #110Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 7:52 am

    Sounds like you and I have some things in common Kyla 🙂

  111.  #111Kyla on April 24, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Last night I had wanted to see the meteor showers so when Ninja came over he had packed his truck with camping and photography stuff and drove me up North away from all the city lights to watch the stars and he set up all sorts of camera equipment to make a star trail for me! We lay out in a field snuggled with blankets watching falling stars for hours and I felt alive with warm, magical happy joyfulness. He kept telling me how much he loved holding me and would do anything to keep me in his arms and all I could do was beam up at him and melt into the moment 🙂

    When we made love last night I let go and gushed. I’ve only ever been able to do that during self love and in fact I’ve always found it difficult to relax enough to orgasm at all with a man. Sex triggers me to numb out and I get so caught up in my head and have to keep reminding myself to relax and feel. I’ve done a lot of work with Dominique’s beautiful ebook over the years and that opened things up for me to explore by myself and I feel thrilled that its flowing into my shared encounters. I feel opened up and free and comfortable in my own skin lately and its spilling over into everything and truly feels wonderous.

    Ok back to work now Kyla!

  112.  #112sweet goddess on April 24, 2014 at 7:54 am

    wow Kyla. feels magical. keep going. keep enjoying. keep living. xo
    i should also get back to work .. eeehii

  113.  #113Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 8:13 am

    sweet goddess I’d encourage you to maybe say something to him like I am feeling really turned on lying next to you here. If you feel me moving it is because I am taking care of myself and I don’t want to put any pressure on you.

  114.  #114Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 8:14 am

    BTW sweet goodess Dominique is a great source for answers to those issues. I also wonder if both of you would feel open to doing a tantra class together?

  115.  #115Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Veronica 98,
    I might not have explain very well… :->
    I did end my relationship with this man 6 months ago
    this took a year and a half… and MUCH reading of this AMAZING BLOG- Modern Sirens, TOXIC Man and
    mostly CDing
    As I began to honor MY boundaries,
    love ME more
    understand and explore MY feelings
    LOVE MY feelings
    it became more ad more clear that he was a TOXIC MAN (before I had thought is was just DIFFICULT)
    I stopped making excuses for why he didn’t call
    why he disappeared for 1-2 months at a time
    Why he wouldn’t make plans
    Why he had stopped taking me to his cabins up north
    I realized I was in a imaginary relationship and
    I was taking crumbs!! Ugh!!
    ONE FINE DAY -(after not hearing from him for 8 weeks again) he called – I didn’t answer
    I realized it made me physically ill to think about seeing him or ever hearing his voice!!
    I wrote him a short letter and said “NEVER contact me again”
    Just like Rori has said… when you learn to express yourself with FM sometimes your man can step up and sometimes he cant…
    and you will be able to let them go!!!
    I LOVE telling that story…
    it is about me taking EXCELLENT, soothing, compationate, adoring, deep down AMAZING care of me!!!

  116.  #116Dominique on April 24, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Kyla – 108 – This feel so wonderful to read. Thank you sharing this.

    Love to you.


  117.  #117Dominique on April 24, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Mandy – 106 – Though we’ve talked privately about this, thank you for saying it here. I feel delighted. And I also think he’s taking some really wonderful steps in healing himself to be there for you in relationship. Please try not to be affected by negative comments from others. And consider the source. You know best who this man is.


  118.  #118Dominique on April 24, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Sweet Goddess – 105 – I feel so happy you’ve taken this name. 🙂 I feel sure we’ve talked about pleasuring yourself in his presence. And as you’ve already experienced, it does turn him on, and it make you feel good. Win, win here.


  119.  #119Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Veronica 78
    I feel glad to hear about the surprise reaction you got from BearCD…
    I feel relaxed hearing how you are examining this communication with warm interest and curiousity…
    Feels very layed back and sireny!! :->

  120.  #120Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Mandy 100,
    I feel blushing, humbled to hear you say I seem to know alot about the RR stuff…
    I have been on the sidelines reading the blog, studying several RR programs and practicing for 2 years…
    I feel I am a newby to all of this…
    Thnx for that vote of confidence darlin!! :-}

  121.  #121Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Thanks again Dominique, I will continuously need this perspective, as what I see is J trying VERY hard for me because he really wants this!

    Azure, I actually felt worried what I said might’ve sounded weird to you! Good to know it feels good to hear…I thought maybe you might hear it as “I see you’ve got a lot of experience with toxic men” but that’s not what I meant at all, I meant it seems like you are well-read on it, and have put the tools to use, maybe had one experience that drove you towards putting them to use.

    My parents are the hardest on me about J. They think I deserve a prince with millions of dollars, model looks, the soul of a saint and no problems/baggage whatsoever. My question is this, does that guy even exist? Lol…I mean this is how I see my dad actually, this awesome guy with perfect hair and teeth in his fighter pilot uniform. But I don’t expect that for myself. Sounds weird I bet. I’m not a barbie girl, I’m actually an artist, and I find beauty in imperfection.

    More later…thanks again Sirens 🙂

  122.  #122Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 10:25 am

    I laughed when I read ‘you might hear it as “I see you have alot of experience with toxic men” :-))
    Actually i do… unfortunately… :-/
    Over the years Lots of nice men have tried to be in my life and I always push them away…
    This last toxic man – BK- with allll the chemistry and hot sex which I chose…
    i knew the price I was paying was too high…
    Thanks to BK I found RR and am remaining curious and open while deciding to keep dating or letting it go.
    I feel curious when reading about your parents and what they want for you… soul of a saint, good looking, in charge of his life…
    I wish that for my children too… :-}

  123.  #123Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 10:27 am

    I mean…
    whether to keep dating other men- I’m not with BK any longer

  124.  #124nyx on April 24, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Thank you, Femininewoman 🙂 you made me feel very welcomed. I’ve been described like that, and it is nice to be reminded- work places me very much into my head at the moment and I should be shifting my vibe before weekend 😉
    What made you choose your name?

  125.  #125Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    It was inspired by some advice from Daria

  126.  #126Tereana on April 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Azure Blu, thanks for the support! It feels good read your words. And it’s good to stay on the blog as well. Very good to have this place to come back to : )

    And now, well, I woke up with something buzzing on my mind. Like a bed. Lol. It was actually kind if critical of M, so I had to dig deeper and sit with it to feel where it was actually coming from. And I finally realized that when I really felt M “go away” was when he went to India. In fact, I found that I felt as if he left, but he never really came back. At least not how I remembered him. He seemed different. (Now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if it’s just a pure abandonment issue or something. Hm…)

    Anyway, I know it’s against what I said earlier, but this idea wouldn’t leave me alone. I put together a FM that was completely about me and not about him, that is, to say that I felt as if he left and never came back. Then I felt better after I sent it. No expectations.

    Well, he responded that he did come back and he wanted everything to work out really well…

    Ooh, my heart pretty much melted in my chest. It’s still melting. It’s like soft, gooey caramel right now. But I don’t know what to say. I haven’t responded, only because, of I do, I want it to be the most true thing for me, and not an “idea.” I want it to be something he could understand. And I feel like this is a real opportunity, to connect, and be vulnerable. So I’m sitting with my feelings again, and right now, just honoring what he said and how I feel.

    As far as CDing, this feels like a good time time to take a break. As in, no actual dates. But, like in said, I got hit on at the beach last weekend. I’m taking care of me, making doctor’s appointments. And next weekend I’m going out of state for a friend’s wedding, and I’ll see S while I’m there. So all of that is a welcome distraction. It’s just that, right now, with M’s message, I could really just feel his heart again. And that just feels so nice…

  127.  #127Azure Blu on April 24, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    Wow!!! How wonderful to have been vulnerable with M and to get a warm.heart felt response!!!
    I feel light and gooey reading it! :-}

  128.  #128Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Kyla – 101 – Oh definitely the ridiculousness. I was surprised by how difficult it was just to say how I was feeling. The bad feelings are tricky for me, and sometimes it takes a while for me to get what is happening. I do like the idea of facial expressions and sounds.

  129.  #129Veronica on April 24, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Azure Blu – 112 – I keep thinking about what you wrote, and I can identify. I believe I’m at the stage where I really need to be in love with me. I really like this:
    As I began to honor MY boundaries,
    love ME more
    understand and explore MY feelings
    LOVE MY feelings
    it became more ad more clear that he was a TOXIC MAN (before I had thought is was just DIFFICULT)
    I really like that clarity pitches up when you started taking care of you – it’s as though you had the freedom then to also decide for yourself whether you want to be there. That feels powerful.

    Azure Blu – 116 – Thank you : ) It’s good to be noticed (and to be described as being sireny), yay! For some reason I just don’t feel all twisty about BearCD – I just can’t go there again with another person. Something in me would just riot if I went to that place again with someone new.

  130.  #130Meg on April 24, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Hi all

    I need your help. My fb says he just isn’t feeling it anymore. He says he just doesn’t think he can try…. He is distant and I feel soooo lonely and sad and angry.

    I try to give Himspace and lean back. I don’t think he is done as his words and actions, like kissing me, texting good morning, going out to dinner, working out together, living with him. His words say he is done. His actions say he is still here but pretty distant.

    I love him and desperately want him back. What should I do?

    Thanks Meg.

  131.  #131Tereana on April 24, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Hi, Azure Blu, thanks : )

    I really think I’ve hit on something, with this idea of abandonment. That must be it, or at least a huge part of what went on for me. From his perspective, he was just being normal. And from my perspective, one unconscious part of me was simply freaking out that he went away and she needed – something, but she wasn’t really sure what. This child part of me. She became demanding, needy. And I just felt overly stressed. Having M “out of the picture” means that I get to see my own response that much more clearly. And with that, I really can’t blame him for anything. Nor myself, really. But what it means is that the “story” that I made up about him not being there for me, etc, was most likely false, and just a gut-based fear reaction based on something that wasn’t even him. LIke an old hurt.

    The thing is, I’ve never felt justified in claiming “fear of abandonment.” I’ve said it. I’ve identified that it seems consistent with how I react to certain situations. But I honestly can’t say why it is there. I do not recall any big “abandonment” in my life. Okay, unless you count emotional abandonment due to a mom who’s basically self-absorbed and a father who would fly into big rages over small infractions. But I was never really “abandoned”….OH WAIT. NO. MAYBE I WAS. My dad used to go on “business trips.” I just remembered. OMG I’ve never even thought about this before, in this way. I was really young – younger than eight. There were several trips, but the one I mainly remember was when he went to New Orleans, and came back with this cheesy sweatshirt. I don’t know why that stuck out to me. I guess it seemed like he was gone a long time for that one, and the stories he told about it made New Orleans seem like the most exciting place on earth. But we didn’t get to go.

    And I MISSED him. Or I must have. And, because my mom isn’t really good at addressing things emotionally, I must have had no outlet at that time for really feeling that sensation. I think it must have come across to me each time he left as if he had abandoned the family. Even though I knew he’d be back. Even though my mom told me every day. Even though…and he did come back. He did. Every time. But while he was gone, I felt that my mom was more stressed out. And I was confused. I knew he had to go for work, but I really didn’t know what that meant. I guess it didn’t make sense to my child brain. And, oh, Lordy. I think this is cracking wide open a place that has been locked for a very long time…Wow.

    Well, that is very enlightening.

    What I doing with M was just a very simple note. “I trust you.” That was it.

    It was scary. Right after I sent it, I felt shakey, and my knees were a little wobbly. I had to take several deep breaths. But then I got on with cooking dinner and decided not to think about it.

    Now I feel…balanced.

    The unknown for me is, could I ever communicate any of this to M? Maybe I can’t. Maybe there would be no way for him to understand that my father’s mysterious business trips caused me to freak out, stop trusting him, and feel like he had left me forever. Aw, just thinking of that makes me feel sad. Maybe I could tell him that. I don’t know. Not right away, though. I want to let it sink in. I want that trust feeling to be there, and for me to get used to this new awareness. Wow. I never expected this to come up.

    But, even if I never get to discuss this with M (though maybe I will), this is still helpful, because it means I can address it differently and it might not be such an issue in the future. And that feels very freeing.

    Yay for blog! Thank you, Sirens!

  132.  #132Femininewoman on April 24, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Trust. My date last night brought up that topic. He says he can’t trust anyone. His story seems to be that everyone has an agenda and wants something. I won’t argue with his story or his worldview. It was interesting to listen to his story. Now today twice I have noticed that the word trust has come up. I take it as a signal from the Universe, a lesson for me. I choose trust. I trust myself. I feel so at peace.

  133.  #133Mandy on April 24, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Azure, I so hear you…something about a tortured soul isn’t there…lol….

    Oh boy!!! 😉

  134.  #134Julie on April 25, 2014 at 2:41 am

    Thank you Sweet Goddess, Kyla, Andrea, Azure Blue, Nyx and Linda!

    Hello Sire
    Thank you very much for all your wonderful supportive caring posts!
    I really do appreciate all your comments and advise.
    I have felt sad and been thinking seriously what to do taking on board your comments too and decided will sell my house “But for me”. I feel it is time to move either alone or with my partner.
    During a conversation with my partner this week I informed him that the photographers have called wanting to take photos of my house ready for sale but had not returned their call. After a little while he brought the topic back up and asked me “Why have you not got back to the photographer?”
    My answer ” Because I am thinking what to do”
    He asked what I meant. I said that his comment about us wanting to buy a home together…” you want it more than I do” ..didnt make me feel good…it did not feel right and certainly made me feel uncomfortable in my tummy. I then said ” it would feel better if we are both as keen for this to happen..” What he said had hurt.
    He reached for my hand and said “But I am keen! I was just worried thats all…I do want it really”
    So I have now called the photographers back and arranging for next week.
    I have decided that it is time to change home for practical reasons too.
    Maybe best as well as looking for a home with my partner I also check out places for me just in case.
    If when my house is sold things dont feel right about moving in with my partner until his is sold…maybe I can rent and think seriously. if I feel the icky feeling then will have the cash to buy a little house for me alone.
    If the feelings are right with him then will go along that way.
    Would love to have your feedback again.
    Love and light
    Julie ( no 47 )

  135.  #135Julie on April 25, 2014 at 2:51 am

    Hello again Sirens
    Not sure if I should mention to him about the renting idea.
    Maybe I should put it over to him exactly what I am thinking? Something like. I have been thinking things over and decided it would be better for me to move house for practical reasons and would really love it if was with him but will go ahead anyway if not.
    Not sure its a good idea i stay at his whilst he sells…not enough space for my clothes and shoes and things. I will also feel under his rule and feel will have lost my independane and security.
    mmmmmmmm…Not really sure how to put this accross!!…please can you help Sirens?
    Julie (47)
    Love and light.

  136.  #136Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 4:38 am

    So I added one more note to M. I decided to tell him how his words made me feel melty…

    But what’s interesting, I noticed, was that how I felt when I sent the “trust” message. Before I sent it, I could literally feel all the sweetness and the trusting, and it was wonderful. But I wonder if I was too “in my head” to actually say it. I mean, yeah, communication, expression. But after I sent it, I didn’t have the sensation anymore. I mean like immediately. It was like I just took all that trust, packaged it up in a message and sent it to him. I wonder if it would have felt better to “keep it” and enjoy it for a little bit longer…

    I know thus probably doesn’t make any sense. His could saying that actually diminish my trust? It doesn’t. It’s just that, part of what felt good was his energy coming toward me. Then I turned around and just sent it back. I felt like I “had” to, like it’s what I’m “supposed” to do. And I do feel “balanced” and neutral. But I don’t necessarily want up feel neutral. I want, really, that sweet, warm feeling that I felt again. Even though he was saying we had different expectations. I still felt nice that he took the time to respond. But now there is nothing respond to. Sounds weird, but maybe the “trust” thing was too in control. Maybe it would have been more loving, more chaotic, to let it be, and feel that wonderful imbalance of rocking back, but with a lifeline in front of me, tethering me to something sweet and possibility and self-awareness….now I just ended the conversation : (

  137.  #137Linda on April 25, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Julie.. seems like you have certainly found a solution to your move for you. Your post feels more balanced which is reflection of where you are too. You have mentioned a couple of times that he is controlling in some ways and your last post there is mention of feeling under his rule and loosing your independance and security.

    If these are issues for you.. especially the being under his rule thing… would that not be an issue if it were a together home? or just because you would be living at his house. Which if it were me I would not want to live somewhere where I felt like I was a visitor. I would want to be clear about that. If I were moving as you are contemplating then his place would become our place. It would have to all be reframed for me.

  138.  #138Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 4:45 am

    FW, yes, trust. Definitely a theme for me! Funny how things come up in tandem like this. I see it all the time. It’s like a “trust” energy out there that we could pick up on. I had the same thing with a friend who posted on FB about her own fears or abandonment. I didn’t realize till later how much that applied to me…I’ve always been in denial about it

  139.  #139Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 4:46 am

    I am a visitor everywhere

  140.  #140Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 4:49 am

    All my home has been taken away. I don’t have one anymore. There is always a “home” inside. But I’m not even sure if I feel ‘at home’ there either at the moment…

  141.  #141Julie on April 25, 2014 at 5:04 am

    Hi Linda
    Thank you for your comments to me. Yes felt better after I had said it and when got his reply.
    Feel that he does like to take charge but if we are sharing a house and I am putting 50% of the money in it will help to be able to stand my ground more.
    Definitely feel moving in his will not help me.
    Feeling a bit low again today though keep thinking back to that comment he made about me wanting it more than him…why did he need to say that at all really! His Sister has very often said it takes him ages to move forward and he holds on to the past a lot. He is set in his ways ..but again confirmed he has told her there is no way hew wants to lose me.
    I do believe he loves me…but still feeling a bit icky despite what he said the other day about ” He is keen and was only worrying”.
    I do tend to mull over things though..and he has commented its one of my draw backs! He says I wont let things go…like a dog with a bone and it irritates him.
    Maybe I should not tell him my thoughts on renting?
    Just concentrate on me and a new home…unless feel sure he really wants to live with me…..My dilemma now is should I say this to him!

    Love and light

  142.  #142Emerson on April 25, 2014 at 5:35 am

    Good morning sirens
    I feel curious about today and what it will bring.
    I feel lonely for a relationship.
    I feel frustrated by how hard it has been for me to meet someone compatible.
    I feel thankful for my cozy bed.
    I feel grateful to have my own place to live and have peace and privacy.
    I feel thankful for my parents.

    I feel frustrated with myself because it am having a hard time getting my diet in order.
    I feel happy that a friend is coming over to visit me later today.

  143.  #143Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Does it feel you are looking for “more” from M?
    He has responded with a warm “I did come back and I want everything to work out”
    Rori says…
    “Step 5: Be Surprised!
    You’re going to say something different, and he’s going to respond slightly differently.
    (Tereana,this just happened to you!! YAY)
    The magic of this is that even if you try it once – just once – you’re going to experience a completely different outcome. Also, you’re going to feel so much more confident.
    Now here’s the wrap up of this whole thing:
    Heart Connection Key: Bookend The Script
    This “bookend” is like a script all by itself. You “wrap” your request for more inside it.
    It starts with appreciation and it ends with you asking him, in a non-pressured way, to connect with you – because this is how you truly engage him, create safety, and set it up so that he WANTS to please you.
    So start like this: “Thank you.”
    Yup, I want you to thank him for something.
    • Start with thanking him for just listening to you.
    • Find something to thank him for that you really truly do feel appreciative of.
    Now, after the “bookend” of the “Thank you” – you say your very short feeling sentence and then: You end your little script with the “bookend”: “What do you think?”
    Is this at all helpful?

  144.  #144Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Julie – I will also feel under his rule and feel will have lost my independane and security.

    Julie I have heard Rori’s story and I believe she mentions in Reconnect Your Relationship that she is not in favor of moving in with a man. Many women here have done it. I have seen some written that they had the relationship and commitment they wanted – some did not want marriage. Perosnally I would choose to rent instead as I see many a woman losing power when they move in with a man without the kind of commitment that the woman wants.

  145.  #145Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 6:23 am

    Julie – Feel that he does like to take charge but if we are sharing a house and I am putting 50% of the money in it will help to be able to stand my ground more.

    I dunno. It is still his house and putting 50% seems like making you a boarder or a renter not a romantic partner. I’d say really think clearly about this. Also he might be irritated about your thinking because he wants to feel you. Maybe sit with yourself and ask yourself what am I feeling as you picture yourself living under his roof. No need to discuss it with him right away anyway, he is likely to feel your vibe.

  146.  #146Julie on April 25, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Hello Femininewoman

    Thank you for your comments/advise much appreciated.

    Yes it feels icky right now I feel way down there.
    I feel the need to get back on the bridge and raise myself back up..its so hard to do it.
    Not sure if you read my first conments ( 47) but have been mulling things over again,
    Feel should put my house up for sale anyway for practical reasons and then when sold..he is expecting me to move in with him until he sells his then we have agreed to put 50% money into a new home.
    …but maybe I should go into rented temporarily to avoid feeling under his rule. I can than stay in the rented either until he sells or if he doesnt can buy somthing of my own again. Not sure if I should tell him this right now….I mean about my back up plan?
    Understand about the moving in with a man being not ideal. Think I feel unsure about marriage as been there before and now 53 he is 54 and also unsure about that as done it before.
    Would you tell him about the rented idea now or just wait and see how it goes? If I tell him need to put it over the right away of course he does have a quick temper and gets impatient sometimes if I keep bringing up the same subject. Oh life eh!


  147.  #147Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Julie sounds like you are talking on eggshells. We by the way are the same age. I would really sit with myself if I were you. We unconsciously block love sometimes because we are so scared of it that when we see it coming at us at a rate we are uncomfortable with we do things to sabotage. Taking into consideration what you really want in a relationship, are you seeing that in his actions and feeling it?

    I am wondering where the “under his rule” thought is coming from? Also do you feel you can handle his anger?

  148.  #148Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Ninja text yesterday on his way to work that he wouldn’t see me as he had things to do before his kids come tomorrow. I didn’t hear from him all day but didn’t mind, I had lots to do too. I felt really good. Late last night he sent me a photo. It was a star trail he made of the meteor shower we watched the night before. Its so beautiful. All the falling stars we shared. I gushed my appreciation and happiness and amazement. Such an awesome, cool, magical, special gift. He spent all day working on it so he could give it to me. He was so happy that I loved what he had created. He sent more photos and explained how he made it, said not to ask how long he spent working on it. I told him it was worth it and that he was amazing. I thought to myself, this is the picture of the love we made last night. He verbalized the same thing in a text a few minutes later! I thanked him, told him how happy and turned on I felt. He said “Your welcome, and thank you. We have a whole lifetime to do cool things. There is so much I want to do and see and I want to share it all with someone who wants to do it with me. You have made me so happy. I feel so comfortable with you like I can just be me and I am wanted.”
    I am floating on cloud nine today and immersed in love, joy and wonder. I feel filled up and overflowing.

  149.  #149Julie on April 25, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Hi Femininewoman

    Just read your second lot of comments..thank you!
    Yes maybe I should sit and meditate on it all.
    I know he can be short tempered …and we have both sat and discussed our concerns about each other. He is aware of his short temper and wants to work at it.
    I get what you are saying though about the lack of romance with paying 50%. Guess it will make me feel better as don’t want to get married at this stage though. Edgy about it. Maybe later on not sure…then if he got down on one knee what would I say..don’t know probably yes I suppose.
    Think being married twice before as knocked my confidence. I got cheated on twice…maybe its a trust thing..have worked on this lots. He got cheated on too.
    Oh what baggage we have in our early mid 50’s. It feels so complex.
    He also commented about his concerns that once we live together it may get boring or hum drum. He likes the excitement of seeing each other 3 times a week. I certainly want more than this! I feel am worth it!
    Love and Light

  150.  #150Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 6:53 am

    FW 128
    I feel enlightened… thank you!
    My date was talking about TRUST… 🙂
    I had a conversation with my date on Sunday…
    He also brought up his thoughts about women all wanting something, being on the take…
    I asked why he felt that way, cause I know quite a few women and none are like that..
    He said
    2 marriages… he walked away and left them the house (for the sake of the children) and he payed alamoni
    All the young women (I’m 62) are looking for a sugar daddy (guess he was trying not to lump me in there)
    Now I see He was talking about trust…
    Maybe letting me know he’s NOT going to let that happen again?
    I listened, I didn’t persue the conversation…
    everyday as I take more and more care of ME
    I am trusting MYSELF more
    If I don’t trust MYSELF
    How can anyone trust me
    How can I trust anyone?
    Rori says:
    “. But it doesn’t begin with YOU trusting HIM.
    It begins with YOU trusting YOU.
    It begins with a sense that no matter what he does or says, YOU”LL be okay. It begins with him getting that you will NOT tolerate bad behavior, garbage, mistreatment, neglect, or any form of abuse or disconnection.
    And the REASON you can trust yourself NOT to tolerate bad behavior is just that…YOU trust YOURSELF!
    And then, it makes it possible for you to be yourself around him. You can be warm, open, loving and easy-going with him.”

    “Why Trusting Yourself Brings Him Closer~
    If you so completely respect and accept YOURSELF, you’ll automatically respect and accept him – exactly the way HE is.
    And he instantly “gets” that you respect and accept him.
    Your intention to be exactly who you are in his presence – no matter what – not only completely turns him on, it makes him feel manly and accepted and trusted all at the same time.
    And that’s when HE becomes trustworthy.
    That’s when you begin to trust HIM. And that’s how a great, deep, and connected relationship gets created.”

    “So much of this depends on the words you use. They have to be not only respectful and communicate simply – they have to be true!”
    I can see that this is exactly what happened on my Sunday date- JD-(the third date)…
    I was relaxed and playful…
    (cause i had explained to him when we met that I was looking for a man who wanted a rest of his life relationship) so whatever happens after that… I know what I want.
    I set some boundaries (softly with FM mostly) off and on during the day and
    I was just having a most EXCELLENT time…
    Because I trusted ME!!! :-))
    He has been leading….asking me out Mon, Tue and Wed (couldn’t cause of my wrk)
    texting me several times a day since then and
    calling several times and
    we are having a date tonight!!
    Wow… this Rori stuff IS powerful!!
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart Sirens for helping me LOVE ME…
    even though this is ALLLL VERY SCARY… YICKEs!! ;-]

  151.  #151Julie on April 25, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Thank you for the comments again Feminiewoman.
    The under his rule thing is because he can be controlling and tell me off for those most smallest of things..he does not like to be wrong and in charge. He does however have a soft side and can be very caring and loving.
    Apparently his father ruled with a rod of iron at home. He also had 3 Sisters that spoilt him. His Sister said he was used to getting his on way with their Mum too. His Father was very strict.
    Maybe he is following by example.
    I understand as was brought up very strictly by my Mum as Dad had left when I was 4 for another woman!
    I did not know what it was like to live with a man in the house until my first marriage when I was 23.
    So much baggage hey.
    Have worked a lot on myself but will I ever feel at one with things…hope so.
    I do love him.
    I do want to be with him more.
    But I dont want to feel powerless.
    I dont feel he has the respect for me or women at times. I have told him that ..he thinks woman are better at cleaning and all that stuff! Hopefully he is half joking!
    I sometimes feel he is two people…can be soft and loving but can also be selfish and childish.
    I can be very loving but have been known to be irratic when younger..not so much now. ( at times only if had too many wines!) He has expressed his concerns feels I do not trust him 100% too.
    Searching deep down maybe I dont but then I really want to.
    When we me it was awkward just both ending previous relationships. I was upfront about it he wasnt. He did not tell me was in a relationship! I told him and said could not see him until available.
    He is a good looker and constantly looking in the mirror but maybe deep down he is insecure.
    Oh so many issue here..sorry for waffling!
    I do feel we have got a lot closer but when he makes love to me ..I dont always feel loved.
    I do feel loved though a lot of the time.
    Guess need to sit and mediate and go right into the feelings I have and will do what you say and imagine living with him. See how it feels.

    Love and light


  152.  #152Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 7:01 am

    I want to write and teach and facilitate. I have been working on conceiving a new career. It takes me away from what I have been doing yet encompasses everything that I have been doing and love to do. I want to take a leap and start now and yet I am afraid. I am holding myself back from creating my dream. I feel afraid of losing the security my current job gives me even though it doesn’t fulfill me. I want to take a leap of faith into the uncertainty of creating my dream. I am afraid of the consequences if I fail. I have responsibilities to my kids. I am afraid of the consequences if I stay where I am. I have responsibilities to me. I feel alive and full of panic. I have been conceptualizing this dream for 9 months, its always been in me and I’ve been gathering all the tools and experiences to make it a reality. Its ready to be born and I’m terrified of giving birth. I don’t want my dream to die. While I carry it, it lives. If I don’t give birth it will eventually die too. I feel fear.

  153.  #153Julie on April 25, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Hi Azure Blue

    Just read your post on “Trust”.
    It has reminded me of what Rori said on the videos.thank you!
    Maybe I need to sit and seriously have a look into my heart again! I also need to go back and watch the videos/ programmes.
    Feeling in a whirl.
    Love and light

  154.  #154Julie on April 25, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Hi Kyle
    Just read your post.
    Being a business owner for 26 years understand where you are coming from.
    You are feeling so scared of jumping.
    It will be a real a shame if you miss the chance and regret it later on.
    If we live with fear will we ever move forward?
    Will we cross the road for fear of being run over by a truck?
    Love and light

  155.  #155Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Kyla 144
    Ohhhh… OMG~ how ROMANTIC… my heart feels warm and smiley hearing this amazing love story!!!
    It’s the classic Rori reaction….
    “If you so completely respect and accept YOURSELF, you’ll automatically respect and accept him – exactly the way HE is.
    And he instantly “gets” that you respect and accept him.
    Your intention to be exactly who you are in his presence – no matter what – not only completely turns him on,
    it makes him feel manly and accepted and trusted all at the same time.”

  156.  #156Andrea on April 25, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Ooooohhhh I feel so open hearted with all these discussions.
    Julie I feel excited for you. I see an image of you driving around your city and coming across some place, some house, or condo or something that you just can’t stop pulsing energy flowing through you. A new home for Julie.. and it’s not to avoid anything, it’s to move into the real you. If he’s there with you, then great. If not, you’ll be okay.

    My ex has a huge lake front property in our city. I rent an apartment. When he and I were hot and heavy together, he suggested many times that I move in with him. If I had been using my head, I would be living with him now. More than enough space for my daughters and I, lovely neighborhood, wonderful area. Plus… I thought he and I had a future together.

    But, every time I walked into his home, as beautiful as it is, my heart felt choked. Every time I open the door to my little apartment with the huge windows over looking the other side of our city’s lake, with it’s gently used furniture, and the annoying upstairs twins that bound around and make lots of noise, and the rules and the rent and etc….. My heart feels expanded, and love and pride overtake me. Everytime I come home I get that feeling of “I Love This Place for now.”

    At his home, I just felt… blah. And so, even before we broke up, I told him I couldn’t move in with him. He said, “It’s more logical that you move in with me. How can you afford not to?”

    I said, “I don’t know. But I feel ….. ”

    And it’s not logical. It was all heart. And about three months later we broke up anyway. Our hearts do give us the answers we seek. Being present… I believe our hearts speak to us the most clearly about present moment situations. When I ask about the future.. there’s not much there. But when I ask… How do I feel right now? I have strong communication.

    So… right now? It’s just you. How do you feel about your present home? It’s just you… how do you feel when you walk into his home? And how do you feel about visioning the perfect home for you?

  157.  #157Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 7:22 am

    When I gave up my theatre company in the summer I felt like I had lost my child. I felt like I had killed my child and yet I had to. It was time. The child I had created out of love and put all of me into it. I grieved for my child for months. I pained at losing it, letting it die. But I had to do it. That dream was finished, it had run its course. It was ready to evolve into something greater. This new child still has my lost child in it. All of me is in it. Its cohesive. If I birth this new dream it will be whole, it will contain all of me. No longer split into multiple areas and outlets to satisfy my needs and burning out trying to keep all my balls in the air.

    I am so sorry for whatever is in me that is creating this problem. I am so sorry for this fear that I’m holding. I am so sorry for holding myself back and creating this dissatisfaction. Please forgive me. I let go of my attachment. Thank you. I love you. I am in love with you. I am ready. I am ready to receive you. I am ready to allow you in to my life. I expect miracles.

  158.  #158Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Thank you so much Julie! You are saying exactly what I keep telling myself. Thank you for reflecting it back to me. I need to be brave. Love to you <3

  159.  #159Linda on April 25, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Julie….. I second what FW has said. WHen I read your reply before reading hers. My first immediate thought was. “Dont give your power away”.

    This is not about where you choose to live. It is simply about being your best advocate and alligning your life so that you can be at peace within and without.

    I certainly can relate with you and the baggage thing. I am a member of the 50’s club too.

  160.  #160Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Azure Blu thank you for sharing that! I feel like a light switch has been turned on. It feels wonderful to experience how this works from the inside out. How it effects everything we encounter! I don’t know how he sees me but I know he can feel me. I trust the process even when I don’t see instant results I know this works. Rori is amazing!

  161.  #161Andrea on April 25, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Azure I am so in love with your posts. I feel so connected with everything you’re saying. Thank you so much.

    As for me, I feel shifting still. I had a man ask me out for Friday night and I said the truth, “I feel like going to the public library and getting a bunch of novels and curling up with books this weekend.”
    And CD Ed asked me out for Saturday. I feel like distancing myself from him. Ever since we got close physically, I have just felt… too invaded by him. Even though he is like clock work, calls on Wednesday to ask me out for Saturday, and I like that, I just feel I want to not be near him.

    I’d been having trouble with one of my daughters yesterday. So I reached out to her father’s side of the family. They live on the other side of the country from us. But all of the aunties rallied around and called us and talked to my daughter and showed her love.

    I sent a letter to my girl’s father. He is in Alaska on a fishing ship and will be state side in July. I said, “I feel overwhelmed with this task of raising our daughters on my own. I need you to come here and be with us and let them get to know you.”

    I said more than that but I feel so strongly that I need him in our lives now. He and I are not romantically involved and haven’t been in over twelve years. We parted as good friends. He, to his career in Alaska and me… to raise our daughters. He’s been there for me financially when possible. But he hasn’t been a presence physically in our lives.

    I’ve always told my girls why I fell in love with him and what a good man he was when I met him. I’ve explained to them about why we didn’t stay together and how we are still good friends. And I’ve never pressured him to be part of our lives.

    But now, I really feel like my daughters are missing out on knowing him and on knowing the parts of themselves that are from him.

    I pray that his heart opens to us. I feel so strongly that I want to be a family unit. I’ve been running things on my own for so long now. I need help.

  162.  #162Julie on April 25, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Hi Andrea

    Thank you for your comments!
    Yes I totally agree…wow yes you are making me think about asking my heart again.
    How do I feel about my home now…love it but feel the need to move for practical reasons.
    How do I feel when I walk in his home….sad feel I pick up emotions from his past life. He is living in the past in many ways with things he has around the house. It does not feel very happy there.
    How do I feel about a new home for me alone..mixed emotions sad because I really want to be with him..and happyish at the same time feel its time for a change. If we dont move in together we will split up ..we both have said this! I will have to look at a new life for me! I can do this .. am independant really ..I will see it as a new venture,
    what do I feel about buying a new home with him..
    mixed feelings deep in my heart.
    why – because I am not sure its what he wants. Concerned about his lack of enthusiasm. Concerned for my own independance and security. Concerned over his quick temper. Feel though it would be good to snuggle and love and share. We also have plans of using any monies over to travel more..lots of new adventures together.

    oh how complicated.


  163.  #163Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 7:36 am

    I decided to take photos of myself (no make-up etc. just me) as a way to amp up my love for me. And I found a way to do it that actually had to do with how I saw myself, not just putting on the timer and hoping for the best. It made such a difference. I feel so good, and want to take care of me, pamper myself, anything that I bring to me has to honour that which I felt about myself today. It’s as though I get to discover myself again. I also feel proud of myself that I could figure out how to take my photos – one photo has really good symmetry.

    And that feel-good energy just stayed with me for most of the day, I dove into work and my mind just opened up.

    Awesome day!

  164.  #164Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Plus I loved the whole experience of it – siren with her camera amping love for herself, oh it seems romantic and beautiful. If I had a proper sound system I would play my favourite songs. But the quietness, looking only at me, I can’t even recall how long it took or what was happening around me ah such hopeful energy pushing gently my heart open and then flowing like satin ribbon through my body, I can’t stop smiling.

  165.  #165Julie on April 25, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Hi Kyle

    Thats ok glad I could be of help.
    As the saying goes…”Feel the fear and do it anyway” If it feels right then it should not hold us back. Its not good to stagnate hey! We need to keep moving forward dont we.


  166.  #166Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 7:53 am

    I feel good that the Rori quote helped in some way.

    “It begins with him getting that you will NOT tolerate bad behavior, garbage, mistreatment, neglect, or any form of abuse or disconnection.
    And the REASON you can trust yourself NOT to tolerate bad behavior is just that…YOU trust YOURSELF!”

    Sorry if I’m repeating myself…
    My last 4 month exclusive relationship- KS-ended because he would say rude and disrespectful things…

    I took up for myself when he would say them…
    I would say “you can’t talk to me that way”
    He did try and stop… but it will take a long time for him to unravel the WHY of it all…

    That is when My trust in Me grew and grew!!!

    I love you Azure for taking up for me, for loving me, for not tolerating abusive behavior!!

  167.  #167Julie on April 25, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Thank you Azure!
    Your comments have really helped!
    So right yes…i need to feel the peace inside of me. I need to feel at one. I need to trust me and my intuition again and feel happy inside. As they say happiness comes from within.
    I dont need to put up with any down puts or nagging or disrespectful treatment or anger directed towards me.
    If feels so good to able to communicate with you and all of the others on this site. You are full of sound advise and I can feel the love coming in my direction from you all.
    Lots of love to you all too! 🙂

  168.  #168Julie on April 25, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Thank you Linda
    For your comments.
    Baggage can be heavy cant it. Guess I need to lighten the load..unpack some of those suitcases and take out some of the heavy stuff.

  169.  #169Julie on April 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Had two nice texts from him today and he just called checking how I am …as have a cold. It felt nice.
    He can be loving and caring too. Feeling bit bad now as been writing about the bad things too…guess it all had to come out. The fact is I do feel such love for him..I do feel it coming from him most of the time too. Deep down I do want a future with him. Oh life!

  170.  #170Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Ohhhh… I feel warm and smiley when I read about you taking pictures of you…
    How it opened up your heart…
    “such hopeful energy pushing gently my heart open and then flowing like satin ribbon through my body”
    This is Beautiful!!!

    Gentleness feels so wonderful for ME give to ME…
    Gentleness is such a soft, loving feeling…
    like a warm breeze on a summers night, caressing my skin with light fingers of comapassion…
    I need gentleness from me…

  171.  #171Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 8:29 am

    I feel sooo happy to hear you say you are in Love with MY posts… cause that is how I feel about Yours!!! :-+

    I felt connection to you about the story of moving in -not moving in-
    How you thought about the feelings you got when you and your daughters were in that beautiful, expensive house…

    I too know how wonderful it felt raising my children in a small townhouse on the South side of a college town.
    and the LOVE and closeness we had
    and the choices I made so our lives would be safe and as happy as any life Can be… :o}

    It sounds like you are being very brave and changing a pattern for you and your ex…
    I’ve heard men say they think we only need them for the paycheck.
    It will be interesting to hear his reaction
    How do you feel about asking for this?

  172.  #172Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Julie – sad feel I pick up emotions from his past life.

    What does he have of his past life in the home?

  173.  #173Julie on April 25, 2014 at 9:58 am

    Hi Feminewoman

    Re his past re his home re feelings.
    Its a kind of sadness at times.
    He house is his ex marital home.
    He has lived there for 28 years and the majority divorced.
    He has not redecorated the bedroom since his ex left! The same wallpaper and uses the same duvet covers! Now very faded!
    He has clocks and ornaments and cards around from his exes ( girlfriends). He has had a few long term relationships since his divorce i.e. 3 – 5 years.
    He says I am the only one he’s seriously considering living with.
    I dont think his cupboards have been done out since his ex wife left…still got old dishes and things in them.
    Yes and dust!
    The house inside feels sad if you get my meaning.

  174.  #174Liquid Light on April 25, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Am in New Orleans w Tex n having a blast! I love this town! He’s treating me to everything and we are eating like royalty. The food here is off the charts amazing! Tex wants me to move here w him in jan. And says I am stirring up emotions in him he hasn’t felt in a long time. Not sure I believe him but it’s nice to hear!

  175.  #175Julie on April 25, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Hi again Feminewoman
    Should perhaps have added to that last post..
    he has had new furniture in the bedroom and he says new bed since his ex wife let him for someone else…kind of felt baffled why he kept the old bedding though. Have asked him he says its a man thing not to bother changing the wallpaper or having new bedding.
    He has repainted downstairs though and had new sofas since she went…but guessing not the curtains!
    Do you think it really is a man thing?

  176.  #176Julie on April 25, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Femininewoman —
    so sorry for the typo! Must be this cold making my head fuzzy !

  177.  #177Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Liquid Light!!
    I feel so happy hearing about your great time in New Orleans!! That town is on my bucket list!!

    Unzip that beautiful heart of yours and TRUST him
    You are a Gorgeous, sexy, Siren
    and he knows it…
    That is why you are bringing up emotions (That’s the connection Rori talks about) he hasn’t felt in a long time!!
    It sounds like you are
    Grounding yourself and just Being there with Him!!

  178.  #178Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Oh my gosh Liquid Light! That is amazing! I feel so happy my heart is bursting! Thank you for sharing that! Enjoy every second of your time! Love to you, Beautiful!

  179.  #179Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:33 am

    It is a guy thing… certain guys…
    4 years ago My girlfriend moved in with her boyfriend and he hadn’t changed furniture etc. since his ex (20 yers) although it was furnished really beautifully.

    My GF mentioned over the past 3 years that she did not like living in all the exes stuff…
    He built a new log cabin on a pond
    They are picking out all new furniture
    The place is homey and amazing!!
    He loves her sooo much… Ahhh… I do love this story.

  180.  #180Julie on April 25, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Aww thats sounds amazing! Really good for your GF.
    Nice to hear about such happy stories. 🙂

  181.  #181Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Tereana – 127 – Emotional abandonment and physical abandonment are not so different. They are much the same though I would venture to say that emotional abandonment might even feel more confusing since the person is still right there in front of you, yet you feel so alone.


  182.  #182Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Wendy: But, Peter, how do we get to Never Land?
    Peter Pan: Fly, of course.
    Wendy: Fly?
    Peter Pan: It’s easy! All you have to do is to… is to… is to… Ha! That’s funny.
    Wendy: What’s the matter? Don’t you know?
    Peter Pan: Oh, sure. It’s… It’s just that I never thought about it before. Say, that’s it! You think of a wonderful thought.

    Peter Pan: This won’t do. What’s the matter with you? All it takes is faith and trust. Oh! And something I forgot.
    Peter Pan: Dust!
    Wendy, John: Dust?
    Michael: Dust?
    Peter Pan: Yep, just a little bit of pixie dust.
    Peter Pan: Now, think of the happiest things. It’s the same as having wings.

    Mmmm I have faith and trust and a little bit of magic. My heart is soaring.

  183.  #183Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Julie – 131 – Yes I think honesty is usually a good way to go, eg. – I don’t feel comfortable moving in with you. It would feel better to have my own little place until the time comes when we buy something together. –

    How does this feel to you?


  184.  #184Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 11:20 am

    I love the peter pan story!!! Pixie dust and Magic

    I feel giddy and childlike reading it… thank you
    Think of the Happiest things
    That’s the way to get your wings
    Think of Sleigh bells
    Think of snow
    Think of fireworks… here we go
    Like reindeer in the sky
    We can fly we can fly we can fly!!!!

  185.  #185Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Julie I get it. It feels to me that he is firmly anchored in the past. The energy from those relationships must be swirling around in that house. Are there pictures of them there too?

    I know if it were me I would not be able to live in that energy.

  186.  #186Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 11:23 am

    Emerson 138
    Gentle, soft hugs…

  187.  #187Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Kyla – 144 – This feels amazing to read Kyla. SO wonderful. YAY you!!!

    Love to you.


  188.  #188Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Julie – 145 – Here are a couple of articles on trust which may help you.



  189.  #189Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:29 am

    The second one –



  190.  #190Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Veronica – 159, 160 – I LOVE this. What a wonderful, heart expanding thing to do FOR YOU.


  191.  #191Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 11:45 am

    I have read and reread your wonderful articles (I have them bookmarked) on trust… they have helped me understand and grow…
    Thank you sooo much for being such a kind spirit and sharing all your amazing insights.

  192.  #192Julie on April 25, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Hello Dominique
    Thank you! Thats seems a really comfortable way of putting it to him!
    Thanks also for the links on Trust.
    Love and light

  193.  #193Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Azure Blu – 187 – You are so welcome, and thank you for your lovely presence.

    Love to you.


  194.  #194Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Julie – 188 – I feel delighted this resonates with you. Usually short and simple is best and making it all about you, what feels best to you.


  195.  #195Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Dominique, thank you so very much! Love to you xxxooo

  196.  #196Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Azure Blu – 166 – : ) Thank you. Gentleness is not something I’m very familiar with, your writing about it has me wanting hugs.

  197.  #197Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Dominique – 186 – I haven’t been sleeping well lately and have had this rattling inside of me – like I was reaching the limit of something. Then my brain does this and there’s magic – what I’ve been needing for so long is loving on me – in a real sense. I’m in awe of whatever drove that decision to photograph myself, completely changed my day.

  198.  #198Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    I keep wanting to add the refrain to my intentions/feelings ‘because I love myself’.

    I feel defeated that I can’t sleep again and that thoughts of BM are haunting me, because I love myself.

    I feel fear of the quietness and the gentleness, because I love myself.

    I feel sadness hollowing out my body when I hear of emotional abandonment, because I love myself.

    The words ‘because I love myself’ are like a little bit of light when I go closer to the dark shifty feelings soup.

  199.  #199Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Ahhh Veronica,
    Your day is inspiring for me!!!
    I feel your power as you move through your feelings!!
    Thank you, lovely goddess, for sharing!

  200.  #200Julie on April 25, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Thank you Dominique
    I have read your articles they are truly wonderful and help a lot!
    Lots of love
    Love and light

  201.  #201Julie on April 25, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Hi Femininewoman
    Its nice to know you feel the same and its not just me.
    There are photos but not in frames but certainly not put away in boxes! Feel they should be really. Understand he may want to keep some but feel they should be kept in a private place really.
    He moved his ex girlfriends clock into the bedroom several months ago which is in full view when we are love making. It made me feel really uncomfortable. He said its only a clock! Yes I suppose it is..dont understand why it could not be left in the lounge though. Sometimes wonder if he does play mind games with me.

  202.  #202Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Julie, when I was dating my ex husband he had a lot of photos and things attached to his ex on view. I told him I knew these things meant nothing and were simply part of his past and still I just don’t want to see them. I feel uncomfortable and weird and insecure around them and I don’t want to be around these things. And I don’t want to know which items he owned were once purchased by a past lover. It was his business and information that I didn’t need!
    I didn’t go back to his home until he told me he had boxed the stuff and put it away. I didn’t mind knowing that they were still there somewhere, I felt good that I didn’t see them anymore. About 6 months later I discovered he’d thrown them all out. They were literally gone from my life.

    Funny thing is that with R I didn’t care when I came across old photos or things that belonged to his ex. Its like the part of me that could be upset by that had been healed by the part of me that promised to speak up and take me away if it felt bad.

    Trust yourself and demonstrate your love.

  203.  #203Julie on April 25, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Thank you Kyla
    Your words have certainly made me think.
    In fact all the words today and advise/comments have been wonderful.
    Its great to feel connected and communicate with you all. You have all made me feel so uplifted and its so good to know you are all out there. It feels like being part of one big family…….all caring loving sharing people. You seem like shining lights guiding the pathway to love and peace.
    As in the UK I will be off to bed shortly but definitely feel a lot better and want to say a big thank you! Feel you have all helped so much I should sleep better tonight.
    Love and light

  204.  #204Dominique on April 25, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Julie – 197 – Though I understand very well why you would feel this, I would as well, men don’t tend to attach any importance to these things. Things tend to simply be thing serving their thing purpose, eg. the clock. The photos he likely doesn’t even notice.

    So if it’s important to you, you say, something, eg. some of these things just feel awful to me when I see them. I feel ghosts from the past, and this makes me feel uneasy/uncomfortable/sad/upset/anxious/some other adjective. I don’t want to feel this way with you. What can we do here?


  205.  #205prplpsn28 on April 25, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I know I don’t post much but I do keep up with the blog and get alot and learn alot from the comments.

    Just feel the need to reach out/vent. Feeling terrible emotionally. It’s been a terrible week and the weekend isn’t looking promising.My kids are with their dad and friends are oit of town. I’m feeling blamey (if that’s even a word) towards myself. Like what did I do? Why do I deserve this? I know that’s a RR no no. Maybe time to myself and away from H will do me some good. Tho it doesn’t feel like it at the moment 🙁

  206.  #206Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    (((prplpsn28))) The blog is awesome for venting. It feels good to get it out there. I feel so happy to see you posting. Love to you <3

  207.  #207Rori Raye on April 25, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Meg! Circular Date!That, and all the Inner Modern Siren work is the BEST (I won’t say “only” – though I believe it is) solution for you….Love, Rori

  208.  #208Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Azure Blu -196 – Thank you so much for the support (your words feel like support). Smiling now and your words remind of the love I felt yesterday – I’m smiling the same kind of smile. It’s lovely to have my day start like this, and gushing, cos I was called a goddess. I appreciate what your words have done for me, thank you for helping me to have that love-feeling for another day xoxo

  209.  #209Julie on April 26, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Hi Dominique re 201 & 197
    Thank you for your help again !
    I will definitely feel the need to same something if when we buy a house together he insists on displaying his ex’s gifts in our new home together….really will be too much for me to accept.
    Your suggested script is really helpful and I will be using it if the need arises.
    Love and Light

  210.  #210nickof3 on April 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    I have all your programs as well as your colleague’s Christian Carter

    They have been monumental in getting me through the 1 year of my slow transition away from my relationship of 4 years (5 in total)

    I have come to recognize a lot of my own self and that is truly the most important piece
    As well as the tools to make me a better partner when the right man turns up

    I did try the third way with my man
    When he first requested space after 4 years

    I did the speech and left my options opened while agreeing to the sexual exclusivity

    However I loved him a lot and felt such a deep emotional attachment that “that” agreement started to not feel Good either

    So I buckled down and made my exit speech of
    I can’t see you anymore causally
    It feels bad cause I love you and I I want more

    Where basically he had nothing to say

    He wouldn’t agree or disagree

    So I let go lovingly

    He has thrown a couple of subtle reaching out texts

    None which were strong enough bids for me to respond …

    So I am just moving along

    During this phase of no contact with him it has heightened my awareness of the things I wishes to not hear during small conversations we did have this past year of seeing him casually

    He was able to articulate his unhappiness or dissatisfaction where.he loved me and my family and my kids … However I truly felt (though he couldn’t say it maybe due to the guilt)

    That he had a hard time accepting I had three kids

    As wonderful and welcoming as he was
    And loving and playful

    He never had children and claims he doesn’t want any of his own
    He was never married either

    However all of his persuasion and eagerness of closeness which HE initiated over 4 years to be with me and time with my kids he ultimately knew he was not financially capable or willing to all move under one roof

    Our arrangement was “I live here” and “you live there. ” We see each other alone 3 times a week (always at his place as he never stayed by mine. My mom lives with me as well..
    I never asked him to stay over in my house and only once did he request to I’m 4 years . which he then said “I can’t do it
    I want to but I just can’t bring myself to”

    We would vacation alone as well as with the children which always seemed fine

    Wed have dinner as a family a few times a week

    But then one day he just said he wasn’t happy
    He felt like he has a part time girlfriend

    I was blindsided

    I felt all was well as it was and NOW he decides he perhaps wanted more of ME but knew unless he could succumb to the fact that I also have my children
    he’d have to deal with that

    So it saddens me as we had a wonderful and fight free relationship

    Beautiful memories and my children also miss him terribly
    And he just walked away from it

    The last year was difficult for both of us as we lobed each other terribly and missed each other very much

    But I kept my boundaries of not being just a friend with benefits

    but I did date when I started the “third way” with him

    But as I mentioned. I loved him and it didn’t feel good seeing him and others

    It felt bad for me … and he struggled with it as well

    So I felt I’d rather be sad and end it finally versus
    Feeling sad hopeful AND confused

    my heart hurts
    That after 4 years of experimenting with his tolerance level perhaps
    He was a kind and good man

    But it’s so much harder when no one really did anything wrong or no one said or did bad things to one another

    We just didn’t want the same things

    I’m disappointed that he tried 4 years to then walk away

    I do believe we treasured each other very much

    And am sad to see him drift away

    or at this point be so close but I I just need to stay away and wait for someone else to come along

    my question is though

    How could I avoid
    how does one know
    That in 4 years time they will meet their threshold again

    He genuinely did naturally go through the motions
    He wasn’t fighting it

    It just came to a head

    How can I avoid this happening again
    if I was to meet another who initiates and loves and welcomes and desires
    And comes close
    And I am vulnerable to trust what I feel is a long term thing

    To just end up where I am today

    Wiser but certainly saddened to loose a dear and beautiful love

    I am not angry with him

    But I cannot even think now to just be friends or acquaintances

    He called my mom during easter
    his family called me
    We didn’t speak to one another

    He dropped a gift to my son on his b day when I wasn’t home

    He texted me “I hope you don’t mind”

    But I did

    And I didn’t even thank him or respond to his text

    It almost feels like a divorce..
    everyone on his side and mine are feeling the loss of “us”

    I’ve taken the mindset now to just move onward

    Cause if after a year of the opportunity for him to step up was there and he didn’t

    I assume he never will
    And I don’t want crumbs anymore

    A small part of me does hope he comes to a blinding realization ..
    but that’s a fantasy that usually gets a big curtain call when I snap back to reality

    Hence my no contact or response to his
    Less than convincing bids

    Any thoughts?

  211.  #211Indigo on May 3, 2014 at 9:10 am


    I found your post so inspiring.

    I know you were looking for thoughts on your situation, but all I can say, is that I think you are awesome, and I think you’ve handled this beautifully.

    Nothing more to be said really. I can sense your grief and sadness, but I think you did the right thing.

    I just wanted to say how you’ve inspired ME with your post.

    I’ve been struggling with an “almost” situation for almost 4 years now, and your concept of lovingly letting go hit the spot and resonated with me more than any other advice I’ve received.

    Thank you. It will be hard, but I know what I must do.

  212.  #212Geneva on May 4, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    I read through a few of the posts posted on your blog and all have love issues in common, but I am angry, very angry’
    Not about the comments but at the fact that I been in one relationship for 14 yr in hopes to marry….. I helped him get through his addictions, joblessness, low self esteem and more….. I pretty much, fixed this guy for someone else.
    I relocated to Mesa Arizona from Virginia in 2/2014 to better my life and make a fresh start and give him space to decide if we’ re going to marry or not’, well I’ve been living in Arizona now for 2 months, I called to say hello to the boyfriend, to find he started a new relationship……… After 14 yrs …….. I’m 48….. I refuse to date again at my age……. So now I’ll have to resolve within myself I’ll be single for the rest of my life……… I am very angry at me

  213.  #213Rori Raye on May 5, 2014 at 6:48 am

    geneva – Anger will get you nowhere. Learning new skills WILL. Learn and Circular Date to practice the skills. No practice – no change. At 48, you’re a baby. Lots of men out there! Get the ebook, get the programs if you can, get coaching from one of my Certified Coaches if you can – and love Arizona. Love, Rori

  214.  #214HeartBrokenMEG on May 5, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Whelp here comes the heart break for real. Pretty sure this relationship is not salvageable. He wants out. I sadly keep begging him to stay, begging begging begging…. I feel so low and ashamed. I could use some advice as it appears tomorrow I will be single and homeless 🙁

    Oh yeah and also furnitureless…

    I feel sad beyond measure, lonely, and scared.

  215.  #215HeartBrokenMEG on May 5, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Whelp here comes the heart break for real. Pretty sure this relationship is not salvageable. He wants out. I sadly keep begging him to stay, begging begging begging…. I feel so low and ashamed. I could use some advice as it appears tomorrow I will be single and homeless 🙁

    Oh yeah and also furnitureless…

    I feel sad beyond measure, lonely, and scared.

  216.  #216Julie on May 6, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Hello ladies
    I am feeling somewhat down and trying my best to get back up.
    Things have been going fairly well but my boyfriend who is 54 ( I am 53). does have a flighty temper at times….if I dont agree with him he gets annoyed at times.
    e.g on Saturday we were out having a couple of drinks before a meal…all was going well….until I asked him how many guys were going on the lads night out from work with him…He said not sure. I asked if any ladies going he said ..what if they are. Only asking I said.
    He got up and stomped out and said he was going home.
    I went out of the pub and as was staying at his house obviously felt no choice but to follow him.
    Having had a drink and 16 miles from home ..my car parked at his and my keys in his house .
    I callled to him to wait…reminding him we had a meal booked at the local restaraunt. He stopped he said ..look it seems you just dont trust me….what if there are women coming out with us? At which I felt hurt and said well then its not a lads night out is it? If other women are going …why arent we invited ? ( Another lady whose boyfriend is in the group and I)
    He just then told me to f…. off and went stomping down the road again. This repeated again…until finally he stopped and he said. We either stop talking about this and go for a meal or go home and forget us.
    We went for the meal.
    We made up ok…but the next morning he wasnt speaking with me properly. As the morning went on he gave me a real talking to and said he feels I dont trust him enough and he cant be with someone who dosesnt trust him. We chatted and I explained that it was a shame when we first met he had not told me hed got a girlfriend. He said we had been through all this before and we have to move on from it…You have to trust me.
    The last couple of days were really good he told me how much he loves me and we were discussing the plan ahead of getting a house together . We seemed really close again it felt so good.
    He always sends me a morning text v early. This morning nothing came despite how well we got on the last 2 days. I was concerned and text him asking if he was ok…no answer so I rang and he picked up. Said all was fine and he had sent me a text and would re send it. In the 3 years he has done this a few times usually after a quarrel or when he has not been happy with things. Feel as if its a little punishment. He does like to be in control.
    What do you think ladies?
    I am working on the trust issues and feel have got a lot better with it. Just sometimes after a couple of glasses of wine I express certain feeling that I have kept locked in. It is so difficult at times. I watched my father go off with another woman when I was 4..My last 2 husbands cheated. I want to move forward and have looked at programmes and worked on myself. He knows what I have been through and feel I need some help and understanding but it sometimes feels he is fueling my anxiety rather than helping me.

    Love and light


  217.  #217sarah on June 7, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Dear Rori,
    My Boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I fell in love with him 11 years ago. The minute I met him 11 years ago I knew he was “the one”. In these 11 years we have gone our separate ways over the years, but have gotten back together many times. We have been there for eachother in the 11 years, to hell and back. Both of his parents deaths along with his grandmother’s, and a year where i went to 6 funerals in one year. He got married. I moved to san diego for college. i got engaged but never married. he got divorced.He has an adorable almost 4 year old little boy. We were there for each other through it all. Friends or lovers.
    Almost 3 years ago, we made it serious. He called me his girlfriend before I ever called him my boyfriend. We called each other soulmates. Our love is amazing and powerful. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. At the time, I was living at my parents house and he was renting a room from his best friend. So for 3 days and 3 nights we talked and we cried, but we ended up choosing adoption. He could barely afford the son he has, and where were we going to live? my parents told me i couldn’t bring a baby home. So we realized that we could not give her the life she deserved. So we went through an adoption agency. We got to pick the family.
    I was sexually abused as a child, so i already have walls around my heart, I have what is called major depressive disorder. and the doctors warned me that i had a seveer risk of having postpartum depression…. yup..had it, ended up suffering from it for 12 months! my boyfriend tried to console me for 11 months.. after that, he just gave up on me. i finally got on the right meds, and started feeling so much better, and found peace with giving up my daughter. so i tried getting the romance back. but he just gave up on me. i don’t blame him.. i just wouldn’t let him in through the walls around my heart after giving up our baby. i felt like i let him down.
    Rori, I’m in love with his son (who turns 4 next month, the mom is a druggie and a no show) and he truly is my soulmate. i never believed in soulmates or true love and all this bs till i met him. He wants me to work on me. he wants me to put me first for once. i don’t know how to do that! i’ve never done that! I just want to be back with him and his son! I will do anything! Help!

  218.  #218Rori Raye on June 7, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Sarah, Welcome, and you need some help. You need help finding a job that pays you what you need to get away from your family and become independent. It’s not possible to have a relationship with anyone else unless you can be independent financially. If you need to go back to school to get a good job – do that. No one can feel like a grownup if their decisions are dictated by finances and family.

    Next – forget about him. He is NOT the place to put your problem! I am certain you can continue to be friends with him and see his son forever if you choose – and if you work on YOURSELF. Invest $20 in my ebook – and see if that helps you immediately. In a few months, I will have my new Rori Raye Coach Trainees available for you for FREE – and they will help you as they learn how to coach from coaching you! (They will be excellent enough to help you, even for free…). The way to get what you want is to raise up yourself, your relationship with yourself, and your sense of yourself. That you would consider giving up your baby letting HIM down, rather than any other way to perceive the situation, tells me you have great work to do to find out who YOU are. Love, Rori

  219.  #219sarah on June 7, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    After giving her up for adoption, he asked me to move out with him. So we moved out together and two months after giving her up, we ended up getting full custody of his son. I have helped raise his son for the past year and a half. I’m the reason his son says ” I love you. I would say it to him every morning. Every time before I left for work, and every night before bed. This little boy has me wrapped around his little finger. I love and miss him so much. He is my world. The two of them are my world. With him I never really had to lean forward as i’m learning about from you. He’s my best friend and my soulmate. We were living together during my postpartum. I just think he didn’t know what to do. But I want him back more than the air I breathe.

  220.  #220sarah on June 7, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    ok.. yay! so my roommate who he still lives with at the house that we were renting rooms from is going to come to my parents house (yes had to move back here after the break up) with his son and her daughter and we’re going to go swimming! She asked him if it was ok, and he said yes! I can’t wipe this smile off my face! I can’t wait to see his son! So question, do I send him a text, or email or call him and say thank you for letting her bring him over so i could see his son? I know he wants his time and space. but he is letting me spend time with his son without him.