What Do You Think Of Him – And Is That Helping?

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manbrokenheartHere’s a great and provocative comment from Audrey around a post I wrote:

Competing for your own husband? No thatโ€™s just stupid, and besides nothing you do is going to change who he is, a selfish pig (and Iโ€™m sure a few other choice words). Rori is right about a few things though, you canโ€™t just stay in the middle ground waiting for life to happen to you and you do need to have fun, FOR YOU!

Iโ€™m going through the same thing and trust me you just need to move on and take care of you.

My Answer:

Audrey Welcome, and though I totally agree with so much of what you say – whatever would you want with a man you consider to be a stupid, selfish pig?

When we think of people in this way, we’re activating our “judging” qualities, and then everything goes downhill.

No one wants to be around someone who thinks they’re a selfish pig.

It might even make them want to be MORE of a selfish pig in order to make what you think about them true.

Even if you don’t say it out loud. Even if you “pretend” that everything’s okay and you’re a “good sport” – they KNOW, they can just FEEL that you think there’s something wrong with them.

And they take that to mean NOT that you “just don’t like something they did or said” – but that you believe there’s something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong and bad and disgusting and shameful about WHO THEY ARE.

In fact – we ALL feel that way, and we all mess ourselves up by holding these kinds of beliefs about OURSELVES.

Transformation starts with unconditional love and acceptance.

If you can’t do that with a man – the obvious advice is to say “get out of there.”

But – if you can’t do that with a man – likely you can’t do that with yourself, either.

Instead of “getting out of there” with YOURSELF – go deeper INTO yourself.

Start loving all the parts and actions and past things you think are “mistakes” you made, and unconditionally love the qualities you wish you didn’t have.

Now try it with him.

And if he’s ethically and morally challenged, orif he just doesn’t seem to have the ability to meet your needs – instead of judging him – see if you can feel all celebratory (and sad, too, yes…) that you NOTICED this, and that you simply aren’t a good match.

This means that some other man IS a better match for you.

Then – just go put yourself out in the world where a man who’s a good match for you can FIND you – now that you love yourself unconditionally and can look at every man without LABELS or judgments.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Elsie on March 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Wow – I’m first ๐Ÿ™‚

  2.  #2Elsie on March 1, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    I think you need to admire a man in order to be in love with him. I love this article. If you don’t admire and RESPECT a man, then you can’t possibly love him….not in the real sense. I love the Queens Code and also the book Love and Respect – both of them talk about this!!!

  3.  #3k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Hey Elsie and I am second. U know i was first once. lol.

  4.  #4k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    “Then โ€“ just go put yourself out in the world where a man whoโ€™s a good match for you can FIND you….”

    Exactly so. You are right. thats exactly what I have to do, trust me. I definitely have to make time for that, cause if I am not careful all i do is work and work. to me, it seems like I definitely have to search for Mr. Right or as was said above, I have to go out there numerous times and let Mr. Right find me. Wow. I hope he will soon find me. I suppose i just have to go out there and enjoy life while he is looking for me.

  5.  #5Butterfly Wings on March 1, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    632 K2012 (from previous thread) – “Are u saying Butterfly that if we date a guy without expectations it might just work out? In other words, donโ€™t bother obsess over the future and his potential, just relax and think about NOW. Is that what u are saying?”

    Yep that’s what I’m saying. How do you feel NOW with this man? If it’s great and he’s stepping up and doing everything right, then fantastic! If not, then CDing is exactly what you need to be doing right now.

    I guess for me too is that I’m no longer wanting children (I already have my two), so I really am not in any hurry to settle down with someone with fear that the clock is ticking. So that helps a lot. But even if I did want more children, it’s definitely worth staying focused on now and not the future, at least early on.

  6.  #6Amandissima on March 1, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    Amen Rori!

  7.  #7k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    From previous thread. – Well I am going to read a chapter or 2 now of Virginiaโ€™s Clarkโ€s book, โ€œits never too late to marry.โ€ That book has a good title. I suppose it would be too big to open on my phone so I am on the desktop. 804:Arabian Love, dont know what is wrong with some of them. I was planning that if Overseas cd had insisted further that I call him, I would definitely have to tell him that I dont like initiating calling, cause it feels like chasing. (wow, I have learned a lot) Trust me i would definitely tell him, but since he has cooled off and is definitely not interested, i dont need to tell him.

    But the next man who tells me that, I am going to tell him just that. I am just reflecting at how I have totally gotten over disappearing ex, my goodness. Sometimes I dont even remember him. When my sister who resides overseas and I talk, we dont even mention his name. We have totally forgotten about him. Its a long time I havent heard my sister say that he called her. My goodness. Boy, looking back to July 2012, it was really painful though. I never knew i could be over it in five short months. Give God all the glory.

    To be honest, I dont know how I would react if i saw him. I would totally ignore him. I wouldnt be saying hi to him first, trust me. If he said hi first, I would answer though but I would want no conversation with him. What i laughed about was how I ignored him on facebook when he wished me โ€œhappy birthday.โ€ I am better off without him. One day and that day is coming soon, I will have an aweswome relationship with a man who loves me, cares for me and respects me to the max. a man who WILL marry me. After all I am the prize. We all are, ladies. I will definitely know the right man when he comes along. You know, i think I am tired of online dating. When I was on my way home this evening, I was thinking that I have interacted with three guys in a romantic way on Facebook. The first guy resided overseas and that didnt reach anywhere. Knew him before too as he attended a school in which my father was the principal so he(my father) knew him very well. He was just an aquaintance to me at that time. He claimed that I never used to speak to him. He wasnt interested as he had not healed from his divorce. When he stopped writing, disappearing ex came along who as I mentioned before was a good friend before. That developed into a relationship. And then overseas cd came along. All three were overseas. so the online dating wasnt really dating sites, it was social networking websites. But I am honestly tired of it and will go back to it when I meet guys face to face, so that I can have variety of different ways to meet men.

  8.  #8prettypink on March 1, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Rori has put this perfectly out here.. I shifted my judgments about my husband.. most of them.. some I am still shifting, bit by bit. I am not in unconditional love yet but also because I am learning bit by bit to unconditionally love myself. The more I love myself, the more I feel grounded and stronger in myself and happier in my skin, the lesser I have the need to judge him or anyone else for that matter.. And then what shows up.. is wonderful ๐Ÿ™‚

  9.  #9k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Hey butterfly wings, that’s exactly what u are saying. Ok then. I hear u. well there is no man. Overseas cd has not stepped up at all. He messaged me last week after disappearing for about a week as he was in mourning for his best friend who died. But I haven’t heard from him since. He is not interested so I am not bothering myself. Just want to meet someone face to face now.

  10.  #10k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Just finished reading chapter 4 of Victoria Clarke’s book. Pretty interesting.

  11.  #11Vi on March 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Okay Vi now we gently going to stop playing this ‘ compare yourself’ game. Good girl you noticed playing it again. You know there are no winners in this game and I dont want you to feel bad. I love you.

  12.  #12k2012 on March 1, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Virginia Clark, not Victoria Clarke.”If you don’t ask for what you want, you don’t get it.” That’s what she says. But a question comes to mind. Depending on what u are asking about, doesn’t it look like chasing?

  13.  #13Emerson on March 1, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    I love this article … I hate divorce bun jeez my toxic ex was just horrible…
    Imagine if I was still with him i would be going nuts !!!
    I do NOT respect him at all. This article is so freeing cuz unfortunately sometimes we wake up next to the WRONG man and I mean really wrong! And we didn’t know cuz we were young…. Oh poor us…. It’s ok it’s not too late…

  14.  #14Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 12:03 am

    I am so grateful no to be with him!!! Omg!!!
    Sometimes I wonder about marriage!!!
    I still believe in the dream but will I ever be able to make it work?!?!
    I just talked to a new cd on the phone… He is sweet !! We have similar values and hmmm I feel intrigued…

  15.  #15Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 12:06 am

    I am also texting with another and he is smart, older than me and nice and sweet and handsome! He is black!

  16.  #16Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 12:08 am

    I usually date Hispanics almost exclusively I don’t know why it just works out that way…
    ExoticCD is mixed race and so sexy
    This new one jayzCD is super sweet I feel dreamy
    No name yet for the next new one who I just spoke with… Hmmmm maybe sportsCD

  17.  #17Daria on March 2, 2013 at 1:18 am

    ugh feels so challenging with Nanny CD!


    Manifesting is finally happening! Got a random check for from a settlement class suit for 90$ from a bank who had been Asking me for money…

  18.  #18Daria on March 2, 2013 at 2:00 am

    I’m feeling so triumphant!

  19.  #19Daria on March 2, 2013 at 2:27 am

    Nanny CD, I love you too and yet im not feeling what I need to feel to keep dating romantically.

  20.  #20Heart on March 2, 2013 at 2:54 am

    I feel exhausted….

  21.  #21Heart on March 2, 2013 at 3:14 am

    oh Rori…sometimes u ask to much
    I am not the Love-Buddha…
    How do you want somthing & not want something at the same time

  22.  #22Heart on March 2, 2013 at 3:27 am

    I’ve been on this site for months and many of the women here still feel sad about that guy they were feeling sad about so long ago…

    all our horses are broken

  23.  #23Heart on March 2, 2013 at 3:30 am

    I’m inflicting my grouchiness on the blog…
    and I’m sorry
    I’m starting to feel skeptical…

  24.  #24Heart on March 2, 2013 at 3:34 am

    loving yourself unconditionally…
    wow….camels & needles

  25.  #25BeLoved on March 2, 2013 at 3:56 am


    Heart, and those of us that are not just pop in and skim and pop out if there’s nothing that feels like fun to respond to ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I obsessed and felt sad over a man for 16 years, then transferred that in spades to another man, then another..
    I came here in July,
    Told the truth, used FM’s, felt my feelings
    riffed and riff
    Now it’s Feb and
    while I still think about the guy every day (we work together), it doesn’t run my life.
    I am clear on the distinction between the image I imagine and the actual physical man ‘out there’ who is unavailable.
    I like the feel of his body and some of his mannerisms and I conjure the image up when I need to feel held or loved or soothed,
    but I don’t believe it’s the actual C or hold any expectations for him to conform to the C in my imagination. Thoughts of “him” don’t run me, I use them to serve me.
    The “real” C I’ve barely spoken to for weeks, and recognize the compulsion to text him or create a drawing for him as just that
    a compulsion
    an opportunity to feel more deeply into myself

    This is making me stronger and serving me tremendously as I have more and more opportunity to practice witnessing and observing other people close by work things out without intervening to offer to “help” in a compulsive, co-dependent way.

    Laughter comes much easier, I feel much softer, the vibe with my co-workers is so much more friendly and easy – I even get along with the guy who regularly throws me under the bus because for whatever reason he can’t say to my face what he wants corrected and have it done right then – I don’t feel threatened by him in the least.

    Deep inner peace – I have it.
    I can’t even count the number of times in just the past 2 weeks that things have come up that normally would have totally thrown me off and set of my rumination/obsession patterns which instead, magically worked themselves out.
    I felt my true feelings, which passed very quickly, and was back to delicious peace in minutes or hours, in contrast to days or weeks or YEARS in the past.

    My horse is a mustang and she may get down sometimes but she’s got heart and determination and endurance and stamina and passion and a ferocity of spirit – have you seen the movie Hidalgo? If you want an awesome horse image, watch it! That’s my girl – all heart and spunk and wild.

  26.  #26Saffronsweet on March 2, 2013 at 4:26 am

    “And if heโ€™s ethically and morally challenged, or if he just doesnโ€™t seem to have the ability to meet your needs โ€“ instead of judging him โ€“ see if you can feel all celebratory (and sad, too, yesโ€ฆ) that you NOTICED this, and that you simply arenโ€™t a good match.”

    My guy has gone away for a week and now I can think clearly. I woke up today with a new comprehension of what it is to facilitate a man’s anger. It’s a different thing altogether when it gets personal and his anger is all in my face. I don’t want that again.

    I am going to write a script. I have to let him know I don’t want his anger directed at me, it feels too frightening, I want to be able to trust a man with my heart and not be exploded at randomly, because I have triggered him.
    I think this may be over.
    I really don’t want to be yelled at and threatened. That’s not the kind of relationship of my dreams.

  27.  #27Heart on March 2, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Hi Beloved….Actually i took a hot bath and now I feel so much better. I don’t like to attack Rori’s work…She really is a genius and someone who has helped me so much…I feel a little guilty but sometimes this paradise shift Rori speaks of seems like an impossibility.
    Right now I can’t imagine being in that place & in that relationship.
    It’s not that I just feel hopeless…I’m starting to accept and rationalize the hopelessness…Like it’s practical or something.

    Thank you for sharing that Beloved. I feel comforted. Still, a little naggy itchy part of myself doesn’t believe you. I wonder if You/me are lying to yoursef/myself.

    I feel pain voicing this…I don’t want to hurt you but it feels good to be this honest. It feels like a hot bath…hehe.

    I feel peaceful now.

  28.  #28Heart on March 2, 2013 at 4:41 am

    There is a little wild creature inside my chest.
    It’s panic-manic-piney-desperate.
    It feels like a juiced-up bird throwing itself against its cage…poofy feathers flying…
    I feel powerless to stop a ship from sailing…
    I’m starting to slowing semi accept that this ship is Actually sailing away…

  29.  #29Heart on March 2, 2013 at 4:46 am

    There is a little part of me…call it love-sick-Heart…that feels
    like screw the relationship I want…screw mental health and loving yourself and looking for the message…
    I’d rather just have You.
    Don’t go…

  30.  #30Heart on March 2, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Every time I start to feel better the creature throws a tamtrum…
    It’s like – Don’t you dare forget me. Here I am…

  31.  #31April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Oh, Heart,

    I want to pick up that little wild creature and look it in the eye.
    And I want to say, yes you’re right, you and me and everyone else is lying to herself.

    It looks like fun to me, when ladies start to discover some truth beyond the heavy weight of life’s lies.

  32.  #32BeLoved on March 2, 2013 at 5:05 am


    Heart it feels good to me to hear you are caring for yourself and feeling better!
    It doesn’t hurt me to read this – I wonder the same thing about myself sometimes!
    I realized yesterday even the kind voices can be lying liars, the skeptic has a point!

    Yesterday I got in line and asked the people in front of me if it was the line to get birth certificate copies, and they said yes.
    It was a LONG line, and I waited about 15 minutes, feeling uneasy and thinking something didn’t feel right – the sweet, kind motherly voice in my head said, “you are in exactly the right place and the right line, no worries, all is well.”
    Well, I didn’t feel relaxed – another 10 minutes goes by and I’m noticing that nobody has applications for birth certs in their hands so I asked the guy behind me and not only was I in the wrong line, I was in the wrong building!!

    So…I totally hear you on the skepticism and wouldn’t want to talk you out of it. Reading your post inspires me to want to get to know and trust the skeptical voice a little more. This is actually really cool and I feel happy to hear what you say because I can see more clearly now moments in the past where I squashed my inner skeptic because I wanted to believe the “soft kind” voice who wanted to soothe me but wasn’t actually in touch with the reality of the situation.

    Oh, how interesting, as I’m noticing this, I can feel my inner skeptic and soother becoming aware of each other and are making friends and I feel my heart release a little and tears coming to my eyes as they both realize they both want the best for me and for me to be safe and happy and loved and have a good life.

    I can actually feel them embracing in my heart, the skeptic was on the left and the kind voice on the right and now they are both centered in a place, embracing as if they are coming home to long lost friends, in a place just in front of my heart and I can feel them sinking into my body now.


    Heart, thank you thank you thank you for this gift!!!

    MMMMMmmm….wow…gonna go get on my yoga mat and let this sink in….

  33.  #33ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 5:25 am

    From Previous Post – K2012 -816-, good for you my dear ! It only takes another guy to come along that we see as a potential and we somehow forget the others.

    Although, I was CDing before I met the guy im currently hung up on and it was good it passed time, I still got attached to this one in particular. ( I actually wasnโ€™t aware of circular dating I just was meeting a bunch of guys at the timeโ€ฆ) I donโ€™t want to go back to internet dating it makes me feel icky.
    But I need to fill my time somehow so I dont feel so alone!

  34.  #34Heart on March 2, 2013 at 5:26 am

    April Rose – I feel concerned about what you label as ‘fun’ ๐Ÿ˜‰

  35.  #35Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 5:27 am

    What if I say –

    Ok. I still feel shaky after Thurs night, but we will talk once you’re back. Hope you are having a good time.

  36.  #36Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Btw when in the street I was telling him that I feel tired and cold he looked at me with this light smile – what a selfish brat, she wants it all to be about her.

  37.  #37Vi on March 2, 2013 at 5:38 am

    I feel thankful for the sunset I saw today. It was pink and blue and I felt like I was dissolving in itd colors, I felt like air and like I have all the time in the world.
    I feel thankful to myself for applying my wonderful oils and cremes. I feel gourgeous. I feel amazing.
    I feel thankful to myself for a new hair brush. It feels so good on my hair and scalp. My head feels massaged and more relaxed.
    I feel thankful to myself for catching the voice that compares me to others and for tracking my thoughts and feelings at that moment. It felt easier to breathe when I managed to recognize the moment and stop.

  38.  #38ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Memulo, you don’t actually know what he thought dear … Don’t overthink every detail. I’m sure you felt unappreciated that’s for sure !

    If you want to text him and it will make you feel better then do it … but my advice to you is dont expect a reply back dear… if you do you might get hurt even more so.

    Personally, I would wait until he reached out again… it could take a couple weeks who knows, but he will reach out again. Believe me ! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  39.  #39Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 5:48 am

    ArabianLove, but he was trying to yell at me in the street, I kept on saying – I prefer not to talk tonight, I agree and would love to talk about us another time. Then he texted – let me know when you want to talk. My complete silence will mean that I don’t care and am ignoring him, no?

  40.  #40Heart on March 2, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Beloved – Im glad you’re reconciling your two opposing voices…That must feel weird…I tried to do it and I felt weird….hehe.

  41.  #41April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 5:52 am

    You are making me laugh and weep at the same time.

    Fun=good times, good feelings, things working out.

    I’m uncovering fun from all the crap it’s been buried underneath.

  42.  #42Heart on March 2, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Memulo – when do you want to talk to him?

  43.  #43Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:04 am

    He is coming back tomorrow night. So next week.

    He was complaining that when he is away I act like I don’t care.

  44.  #44Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:06 am

    He is losing his feelings towards me and maybe lost most of them already because of how distant I was with him.

  45.  #45Heart on March 2, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Memulo – well tell him you’ll talk next week if thats what you want?


  46.  #46ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Heart – I have a question for you … Do you feel like you should just be doing whatever you feel like doing and then going through the motions from there ? Like whatever will happen will happen anyways no matter how you act. The wrong man will always be wrong and the right man will always be right !

  47.  #47ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:09 am

    You want to actually just be yourself… because even though you are using feeling messages you feel like its still controlled behaviour ?

  48.  #48ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Memulo, I’m sorry I didn’t realize he was yelling at you! …

    This would actually make me wait even more so just to show that I wont tolerate such behaviour!

    I don’t believe he is losing his feelings toward you ! But then again you did say you agree you should talk to him another time … he put the ball in your court by telling you to call him when u are ready… so its up to you really … either contact and talk about the issues at hand or wait for him to contact… maybe he will be wondering why you are not initiating. It will probably make him angry because HE likes TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
    I know a guy like that !

  49.  #49ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:20 am

    But obviously you are feeling bad here and want to call… so what would be the cons of just doing it ?

  50.  #50MovingMagic on March 2, 2013 at 6:29 am

    I like your little bird Heart. The bird reminds me of my own inner wild horse that likes to run & buck all systems, thoughts & philosophies. No confinement, please.

  51.  #51Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:32 am

    He is away with his son. That’s why it has to be after he comes back and free.

  52.  #52Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Arabian/Memulo – My experience is no matter what you say or do, if the man truly believes you are the one who will make him happy and he really wants you, he will come towards you when you lean back. I have had guys come back after years, sometimes decade and tell me “I don’t believe I will be happy until I get you”. This guy might be grumbling because he is falling and want to know that he is not wasting his time. It is hardly likely he will think you are cold just because you don’t call. I would assume he is focussed on enjoying his weekend with his son. Men can generally only focus on one thing at a time.

  53.  #53MovingMagic on March 2, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Heart, just posting on here, & expressing myself in a more feeling way has brought so much change to my life & the way I feel about myself. It’s funny…I haven’t changed anything else really. I’ve always lived a pretty amazing & creative life. I just didn’t see it. Through Roris tools, some positive affirmations, my journal, & setting intentions for myself on a regular basis I now SEE my own light…& everyone else does too as a by-product. That’s the beauty of it…more love has come my way because I’m creating a path for it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  54.  #54ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Yes Femininewoman ! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  55.  #55Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Nice article Rori. It is the reason why I feel resistance around women referrung to guys as “jerks”, even as a passing comment in the mind. I feel convinced the guys know that is what you think of them.

  56.  #56Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:44 am

    FW he was yelling that our relationship is one-sided. He does everything for me but I don’t do anything for him. He meant material things. Then he said I never express my feelings towards him. when he is away I don’t say that I miss him. He is right. The material stuff felt a bit low, but otherwise he is right. Now he is away and I am not even responding to his text. Like I don’t care again.

  57.  #57Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Well Memulo who I get those types of words now, I really look deep inside myself. Is it true that you “never” express your feelings towards him?

  58.  #58Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:47 am

    FW, I think he was falling but now I am not so sure. He may be falling out of it.

  59.  #59Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Words like “never”, “always” and should are used by people when they want to control a situation but is it possible that you could share your vulnerability with him by sharing more of your feelings?

    I also read your comments from the prior thread and it crossed my mind to ask if you have a pattern of pushing the relationship away and then go into fix-it mode. Or what is it you believe about yourself that might create this dynamic?

  60.  #60Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Memulo do you fall in and out of love that easily?

  61.  #61ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:50 am

    But Feminine woman does leaning back truly work … I mean i have done it in the past and all guys come back wondering where I have disappeared to but then I would just go on calling them blah blah afterwards (or sometimes being very unwarm to them so as to let them know i wasnt interested if that was the case.)

    I don’t know I prefer staying away in my situation now because when I initiate much of the conversation at time I get silence and that doesnt make me feel good especially when he is allowed to be silent and I am NEVER allowed …

  62.  #62Heart on March 2, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Arabian-love – Eeek how did you reach those conclusions. No not at all…Using Fms makes me more Myself so no that’s not what I meant

    I was just questioning the internal shifting towards loving yourself unconditionally and whether such a thing was possible…more about the relationship with myself than a man.

  63.  #63Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Arabian – when you lean back you also have to open your heart and share yourself authentically when he lean towards you. Do you have any of Rori’s program? I believe that she describes this very well in Reconnect in regard to the relationship bubble.

  64.  #64ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 6:53 am

    ”it crossed my mind to ask if you have a pattern of pushing the relationship away and then go into fix-it mode. Or what is it you believe about yourself that might create this dynamic?”

    This is an amazing point FW.

  65.  #65Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Arabian – when I initiate much of the conversation at time I get silence and that doesnt make me feel good.

    This is the clue that you either stop talking or change your words/body language or tone. You keep experimenting until you find what works with each man. If you are in your body and how you feel your inner guidance will direct you.

  66.  #66ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Thank you FW.

    And Heart, maybe this is what I feel from reading your post hahaha … sorry ๐Ÿ™‚

  67.  #67ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:03 am

    BTW the silence is through texts lol not conversation.

  68.  #68Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:06 am

    FW, I normally don’t go out with someone when I am still trying not to think about someone else. So this is not typical of me.

  69.  #69Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:08 am

    FW wouldn’t you agree that when you have feelings for someone and they are abused you fall out of love?

  70.  #70Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:09 am

    #56: I never express my feelings towards him.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Memulo – try to create a new normal. Date at least 3 and keep the focus on you so when one plus back it doesn’t register on your radar. Or it registers as a blip. It seems you continously run yourself down with the psychic energy focussed on guys rather than figuring out how to be more authentic and confident.

  72.  #72Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:10 am

    I don’t think he said ‘never’. I don’t remember. he said ‘you don’t I think.

  73.  #73ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:11 am

    I leaned back this week and last night he contacted me. Mind you, it didnt feel good because it was late and he wanted me to go over. I told him quite frankly I did not feel like it and that I felt sick to my stomach (about it). He asked me what was wrong?? and then quickly after if I was ok ??? I told him I just didnt feel good and felt very nervous. He sweetly told me he hoped it was nothing serious and that I would feel better really soon.

    But it was not physical illness … it was this whole situation with him that made me feel queasy.

  74.  #74Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Yes Memulo. But most of us know abused women who stay in abusive relationships for years because they have learned to accept the abuse as love.

    I don’t consider one incident of yelling as abuse though.

  75.  #75Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:13 am

    FW I didn’t mean that I was abused;) I meant that I was abusing his feelings.

  76.  #76Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 7:13 am

    RE 72 do you think it was a booty call?

  77.  #77Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 7:13 am

    How did you do that Memulo?

  78.  #78Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I do believe that he is a grown man and can take care of his own feelings.

  79.  #79Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:18 am

    #76: I was sabotaging the relationship.

  80.  #80Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 7:20 am

    #72; It sounds like a booty call to me or in any case ‘not the first priority’ call.

  81.  #81ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Yes, I believe so FW.

    It’s not that it didn’t feel good … its more like I felt annoyed when I saw it was late … he usually calls earlier and even then its not early enough for me.

  82.  #82ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Definitely not first priority Memulo …

    How can I turn this around. Obviously, by stating that i dont like to be called late at night … and opening up ?

  83.  #83ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Memulo -78- Why were you sabotaging the relationship ?

  84.  #84Mercedes on March 2, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Lots of work to do today but wanted to subscribe so I can read from my phone.

    Hope your days are all filled with blessings and joy.

    Much Love

  85.  #85Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:02 am

    I feel that the result will be bad if I text or don’t text.

  86.  #86Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:04 am

    #81: Yes ArabianLove.

    I was in love with someone else, the one who left me.

  87.  #87ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Right, I understand now !

  88.  #88ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 8:09 am

    if you text what would u say ?

  89.  #89Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Ok. We will talk once you’re back. I am thinking about your words but still feeling shaky. Have a nice weekend.

  90.  #90Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Does it sound alright?

  91.  #91Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:18 am

    It still leaved the ball in my court somewhat as if I will let him know when I am ready.

  92.  #92Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:19 am

    He is not contacting me though, so perhaps in his mind it’s over already.

  93.  #93Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 8:22 am

    ExoticCD is calling and texting every day but did not ask me out again after second date…:(
    He did say I could come by his house but ew that’s not romantic…
    I feel myself being afraid to speak my truth…

    I want to feel comfortable….. I want a courtship to feel easy and fun…..

    I feel distracted by my life’s inconsistencies….

    It’s ok Emerson you can get through this….

    I want to change jobs….

    I need to move soon…..

    And here I am trying to date lol….

  94.  #94Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I’m having a beauty day today!!!! Yaaay!!!

  95.  #95Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:32 am

    He was very angry that I said last weekend I don’t buy guys dinner.

  96.  #96Heart on March 2, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Memulo….You don’t feel shaky though…

  97.  #97Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:48 am

    I do. I still remember how I was telling him I am tired, cold, hungry and he was saying he doesn’t need a relationship where he feeds another mouth.

  98.  #98Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:50 am

    I told him why did you ask me for dinner then.

  99.  #99ALA on March 2, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Memulo – Is this the same guy a few threads back you said you weren’t all that into? Talk to him if you want to. I’d leave out the “shakey” part though… create some mystery. It seems that he was pushing for exclusivity when you really did not even want or were ready for a relationship. What’s the message he is giving you? How do YOU feel with him?

  100.  #100April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 9:26 am


    My face is beaming.
    I wish we could hang out, and go for a silly girly evening somewhere.

  101.  #101MovingMagic on March 2, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Memulo, he can feel that your heart is elsewhere. I’m sure that is part of his reaction toward you. That being said, it’s not your place to handle his emotions. If you put your energy on *you*…what changes?

  102.  #102Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 9:47 am

    I actually do feel responsible for his emotions.. if I am the cause of them.
    When the focus is on me I want to meet up with him and talk once hexes back.

  103.  #103Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Memulo now that “he’s pulling away” you want him?

  104.  #104Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:13 am

    You want to reinforce his bad behavior? Then go ahead and reach out to him. You the one who says his last interactions with you was him yelling at you and saying he does not want a relationship with another mouth to feed. As Rori would say, he is now noticing that you are human with needs. If he is angry, I would leave him to stew in his anger. This is where you raise your degree of difficulty.

  105.  #105Indigo on March 2, 2013 at 10:32 am

    MovingMagic 100

    “it’s not your place to handle his emotions”

    This is so wise. I am just really learning this and making it my own. What I am learning – if he is retreating, don’t go in after him. Forget about him and go and do lovely things for YOU. Let HIM make it right, or not.

    I know this is Siren 101, yet I had a beautiful epiphane of this last night. It just came to me and changed my entire bad feeling-feeling completely around. It was beautiful.

  106.  #106Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Yayy Indigo.

  107.  #107Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Yes Indigo but he did not silently leave, he asked me to tell him when I feel like talking.

  108.  #108Indigo on March 2, 2013 at 10:39 am


    I know there was a time in the very recent past where, if a man had behaved in a way which made me feel bad or uncomfortable, I would have been in a rush to talk to him and make things right.

    Now, not so much. I kind of feel that he should be the one in a rush to talk and apologise and make things nice between us again, or at least this is the point I want to get to.

    Do you really want to talk to him? It would be very understandable if you wanted to retreat from him a little after that incident. Hugs to you

  109.  #109Indigo on March 2, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Hey Memulo ๐Ÿ™‚

    Yes sorry, #104 was not directed at you, more my own situation ๐Ÿ™‚

    Have written to you in 107.

  110.  #110Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 10:42 am

    What I am concerned about is that he was saying I don’t care about him and by ignoring him I only confirm that he is right.

  111.  #111Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Re 106 Yeah. But are you now afraid to lose him?

    He might be testing you. How are you testing him? He might have said that to see how much of the doormat he can pull out of you, maybe because he knows the last man disappeared. If he can inspire you to chase after him, he might also be able to inspire you to apologize to him when he is rude to you.

    Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man – Steve Havey.
    Tough on the Inside, Soft on the Outside – Rori

  112.  #112Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Let him deal with his own self-fulfilling prophecy. That might be the script he runs in his life. He might have abandonment issues. Do you truly believe that you are powerful enough to be his rescuer?

  113.  #113Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:47 am

    A confident woman would know that he will come around begging to be with her. You can only arouse the lion in him. Lie down at his feet as dead prey and he feels turned off. Let him fight and he will be aroused.

    A “cool girl” allows the man to take care of his own emotions. She knows he is a man.

  114.  #114Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Hi Ladies,

    I hope you are all well and I come here with mixed news.

    Firstly the good – my man has saved the money for a ring and asked me to go ring shopping tomorrow.

    Now the challenging – he has been sober for a while now, and says he has no inclination to drink. I still feel quite nervous about the past sometimes and kinda hyper vigilant when it comes to possible ‘flags’ that there could still be any issues.

    So far these flags have always been false alarms, ie: me being too oversensitive about it, rather than real flags.

    He says he doesn’t think he was an alcoholic, but that he was a problems drinker. Even this scares me.

    I feel terrified that it means he didn’t deal with it, although I know that just because he didn’t deal with it my way doesn’t mean he isn’t handling it.

    Well recently I have noticed he has been taking quite a lot of painkillers. I mentioned it to him, and today I mentioned it again, when he asked me for some painkillers.

    I used feeling messages and said I was feeling worried about….

    He reacted really coldly and just kinda shut down and got angry, which makes me feel EVEN more worried.

    he said “I had an addiction years ago (referring to a drug addiction from years ago). I’ll say it again years ago! Would you stop going on about addiction.”

    This was by text and he is at work now.

    I feel really angry about being told to shut up when i express my fears! I don’t know if there is an issue or not, and I don’t want to be told to shut up when I bring up something that makes me feel worried and carries a lot of emotional charge for me!

    Also I feel worried that a defensive reaction means the worst… I don’t know, feel confused. I don’t really think there is a problem, but I still feel afraid that there could be, and defensiveness just makes me feel scared because that is how he was when he WAS having the problems.

    Or maybe I am just freaking out.

    Who knows!

  115.  #115Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 10:50 am

    He has no idea the last man disappeared.

    I don’t think he was testing. He was really really angry, I felt shocked.

  116.  #116Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Okay Memulo. So let him go take care of his own anger.

  117.  #117Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 10:53 am

    FW, but he was saying he needs me to ‘invest’ in the relationship more. He doesn’t feel wanted.

    He was rude to me but he has a point.

  118.  #118April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Dancing Siren,

    Do you ever feel truly relaxed around this man?

    If so, what percentage of the time?

  119.  #119Dominique on March 2, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Saffronsweet – 25 – This feels awful, being yelled at, threatened. It wears on your psyche and your spirit. I’ve been in such a situation and for an embarrassingly long time. It’s amazing the weight which feels lifted when you can be away from this kind of energy. It’s like a breath of sweet. spring air.


  120.  #120Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 11:09 am

    April Rose.

    Yes. I feel relaxed around him about 96% of the time.

    I feel scared when I think specifically about addiction, and mainly it is because of everything I have read about it…

  121.  #121Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 11:10 am

    He told me he thinks I am incapable of love.

    With him I was.

  122.  #122Saffronsweet on March 2, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Dominique – thank you, and thank you for your message to me yesterday.
    His anger is unresolved stuff, against women, against Mummy, I don’t know. I don’t want to analyse.
    It’s usually simmering, in a low-level kind of resentment which has the effect of making me feel second class, and uncherished.
    It makes me feel like screaming.
    When this energy is away from me I can relax. I can consider getting to know other guys.

  123.  #123FlowerChild77 on March 2, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Dancing Siren…I guess I’d be a little concerned that he is reacting so negatively. People who are truly in recovery recognize their problem and freely admit they have hurt the people they love—–and that any number of things could be considered “a slippery slope” ie: hanging around old drinking buddies; taking addictive substances; etc.

    Why does he need the pain medication? Can he get some from his doctor? (Many folks are addicted to pain pills, as well as other things, but if he went to a doctor would you feel better about it?) I guess you could get a better look at the situation by kind of seeing “how” he uses the medicine—whether he takes it ‘as directed’ or whether he uses it all up and is “out” (meaning it’s all gone) way before the refill is due.

    I’d just not mention it again and see what he does. Maybe it’s no big deal and nothing will come of it. I think he knows what he has to do to keep you. “Using” is a deal breaker for you, is it not?

  124.  #124Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 11:40 am

    I somehow feel comfortable with not writing to him. Although from time to time I think that I ‘should’.

  125.  #125Liz on March 2, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Rori and everyone… Ok, so I posted a few weeks ago about my journey. I have really focused on myself. I go out 2-3 times a week for work or personal events in the evening. I focus on myself first always when I get home before I return his call: make dinner, answer calls, shower etc. I have picked up some community and business activities to be involved in. And I stopped contacting him first, I listen more, talk less and generally follow the advice of Rori. Why I dont actually CD, there are several men in my life who are friends, that like to take me to lunch, go to movies, and basically would do anything for me. Two days ago my guy said to me that I was different. That I was quiet, I had changed, he said i wasnt as enthusiastic about things concerning him (which is not true in my opinion) its just that I put myself,my needs and likes, first for me. He said he wasnt angry, but there was definitely a sense that he didnt like it. I have been warm and open to him. Very nice and interested in him, but again I put myself first. My question is, is this normal. Should I continue as is. I am not of the mind to have a “conversation” with him. I dont want to go there. Any comments or suggestions?

  126.  #126ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I understand how you feel Memulo, I think what you wrote in -88- is good. The ball would still be in your court.

    but I do agree with Fw 110 – I believe he is testing … men always test and check your response for reassurance.

  127.  #127Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Memulovlet go of the control thinking and just BE

  128.  #128ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 11:53 am

    I’m interested in hearing comments for Liz’s post.

    Unfortunately, I am new at this and already having a tough time. I can’t give you any advice here, dear.

    (Boy, I’m realizing I’m having trouble committing to being leaned back with this guy. Alreaydy, I text him -.- !)

  129.  #129ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 11:54 am

    126 – Best piece of advice !!!!

  130.  #130Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Memulo I wish you had Reconnect Your Relationship so you could see how Rori talks about being the kind of woman a man would not think about being rude to

  131.  #131Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 11:58 am


    In all liklihood it is probably not a problem. I doubt if he has an addiction to pain killers, I just happen to feel extra sensitive about anything that could lead down that road.

    Yes using is a deal-breaker.

    I don’t think he uses anymore, and this has been a sticky issue for us to navigate because I have always thought he needs to ‘face up’ and admit to his addiction more so than he has, in order to truly recover and heal.

    The thing is he does seem to have recovered and healed anyway, even without necessarily doing all the things I think he should do. I spoke to Dominique about it a while back and she reminded me that men do often heal differently, and that they can heal through a woman’s heart.

    What annoys me a lot today, like REALLY gets my blood boiling is that he doesn’t seem to acknowledge how difficult his addiction was for ME. That said I don’t want a medal or anything. I chose to stay with him, knowing the risks, and I don’t regret my decision. And I get really angry when I express fear around this and effectively get told to shut up, even if not in so many words! Makes me feel like yelling at him and lashing out!

    I know we can’t hold on to the past or judge people by what they have done before, that isn’t healing either, but then I also want to be able to voice my concerns and express my fear, and for them to be treated gently and kindly too.

  132.  #132ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Fw – if I were to purchase one of the programs that is the ultimate one you would recommend?

  133.  #133Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    And I don’t know if I am feeling nervous about the commitment we are taking too, and that is making me feel nervous, so perhaps I am focusing on him and putting my fear ‘over there’,

    And even if that is the case I still don’t want to get shut down when I express my feelings.

    And I feel angry about being told to shut up about this.

  134.  #134Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Put yourseelf first first. Value yourself

  135.  #135Radlove on March 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm


    20-29 – Your posts in this range feel very sensitive, like poetry. Beautiful, even tho somewhat sad.

  136.  #136Radlove on March 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Arabian Love,

    131 – My favorite is Commitment Blueprint. It is so full of information and deep thoughts. I learned so much from it.

  137.  #137Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    memulo re 84,

    Might be worth challenging this belief. This is the kind of belief I hold when I am in fear and sometimes it causes me to act from that fear.

    Better to challenge that belief, do the work, feel a bit stronger and then decide what action to take, if any.

    Personally I think answer his text. He reached out and texted you. if you are still feeling shaky and angry say it, and if you want to talk to him when he gets back say yes, accept his offer. If you feel unsure say you feel unsure.

    It sounds like you DO want to talk to him when he gets back and you are feeling mad and shaky. If so, say it. Then lean back again, re-focus on you.

  138.  #138Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Tonight I feel.

    Tense. In my tummy and lower back.

    I feel grouchy.

    I feel out of sorts.

    I feel worried and fed up.

    I feel guilty for feeling this way when it is supposed to be a happy time.

    I feel afraid about the future.

  139.  #139Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Oh OK.

    I think perhaps there is not issue with painkillers, although it is a fear that has come up for me.

    I am feeling worried and scared about the future, because of the past, and this is how I brought it up/out.


    STILL I want to be able to express my fears, EVEN if they are wrong, or they are about addiction.

    I don’t want to be told to keep quiet.

  140.  #140Dominique on March 2, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Liz – You have a history with this man. I what I’m getting from you here is that you are going against what you really want to do and doing what you think you “should” do.

    Are you really taking care of yourself, or are you tamping down your excitement and happiness over the message he left? And restraining yourself from responding and doing your stuff first because maybe you think you might appear over eager?

    Are you really being true to your FEELINGS here?


  141.  #141FlowerChild77 on March 2, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Dancing Siren…this attitude (wanting you to ‘shut up’ about your concerns) sounds an awful lot like denial.

    Just my honest opinion…

  142.  #142April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    I’m tempted by the programme ‘Capture a Man’s Heart and make him Love You Forever’. Michael Fiore is offering it for $47

    Anyone tried it and can recommend it?

  143.  #143Liz on March 2, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Dominique. Are you saying the message he left is good? And the truth is I feel like I am going against what I really want to be doing. But I had given way too much with him. And then he takes advantage and becomes neglectful.

  144.  #144Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Flowerchild re 140,

    Yes I know, and that is what feels so scary about it….

    However, I don’t honestly think that there is currently an issue on his side, as in deep down I don’t think he is using.

    But I think he is still in denial about the depth of the previous problem and that is what worries me about the whole thing.

    But then maybe to him it is not a problem…. he drank too much, now he doesn’t.

  145.  #145April Rose on March 2, 2013 at 12:59 pm


    I’m wondering if you’re too much in a strategy and not enough in spontaneity?

  146.  #146Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Just to clarify, he never actually told me to ‘shut up’, his words were ‘stop going on about addiction’ which I take to mean ‘shut up’…

  147.  #147ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Aaaawww I am waiting again for an answer … I really don’t want to leave this ‘relationship’ without at least trying to show him my feelings… Thats why I told him I didn’t want to be alone later and asked what he could do about it… not sure if this was ok but its what I felt like doing ๐Ÿ™‚ and I have kept my self busy all morning ! So yeah !

  148.  #148ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    RadLove-135 – Thank you ! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  149.  #149Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    I like Commitment Blueprint too.

    Although I think it is useful to start with the book.

    It depends what you want as Targeting Mr Right is good if you need to get in circular dating, whereas commitment Blueprint is good if you are in a relationship.

  150.  #150BeLoved on March 2, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I feel set up!
    G stopped by yesterday and we were talking casually and he asked if I had plans this weekend and I said no – then he asked for my number (again) and called in the wee hours of the morning (I’m pretty sure I told him I turn my phone off at night and he works nights sometimes so calling was ok)
    and asked about getting together tonight.


    So, he knows I don’t have plans.
    So what?
    I was looking forward to a quiet evening with myself, to write and dance and go for a walk.
    Part of me thinks I should go out and get out of being isolated.
    Part of me really likes being alone.
    REally likes being alone.

    I don’t want to get started right off on the ‘last minute’ foot.


    I am under no obligation whatsoever to go out with him simply because I don’t have other plans and he knows that.

    Obligation button! woot….


    What do *I* want?

    I actually really want this weekend to myself (other than hanging with my friend tomorrow).
    That’s okay, BeLoved,
    That’s totally allowed,
    it’s not bad.

    I can say,
    I feel happy to hear from you (can I get into that space? Because I actually felt some dread – ? )
    Maybe I don’t have to say that – I don’t have to pretend and put on “best acceptable face”.

    I can…
    Oh, okay, I can feel good acknowleding his phone call and saying I really want tonight to myself and would like to see him another time.

    It feels kind of bad, putting him off.
    I don’t want to scare him off
    make him think I’m not interested
    I like advance notice and a confirmation call is all.
    I’m okay with last minute, when it feels good.
    I feel a little stressed and wired today, I didn’t have the best time with my dear friend even so
    some writing and unwinding is in order tonight.

    Yes, how does that feel, BeLoved?
    I keep imagining it will feel bad to put him off…

    so, am I trying to push him away?

    Maybe a little.
    I’m feeling possessive of myself and my time alone.

    What do I think might happen with him?
    I just don’t want to give anyone else my attention right now.
    M’kay, I hear that.

    Okay…resistance noted…
    I’ve been feeling stuck for so long I’ve gotten used to it. I can call and ask what he has in mind and go from there. I can still have plenty of time to shower and write and get home early for plenty of sleep.
    Call now and it will get the ball rolling.

    Yes, that feels good.
    Mmmm….yummy sigh (with an undercurrent of chokey throat and tight belly, lol).

  151.  #151Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    He normally texts and calls daily. Haven’t heard from him since thursday night. Definitely something is cooking.

  152.  #152Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    I agree with the others… he is testing you to see where your boundaries are, are you serious about putting yourself first?
    I still think you could reply to his text though…

  153.  #153Dancing Siren on March 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    BeLoved re 148.

    That processing felt nice to read!


  154.  #154Daria on March 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    The cosmic egg has hatched ๐Ÿ™‚ !

    Earth is a Green Star !

  155.  #155Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    He was complaining exactly about me putting myself first though;) He was saying that our relationship is all about me.

  156.  #156FlowerChild77 on March 2, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Dancing Siren…I understand. He just doesn’t want to hear or talk about it <3

  157.  #157Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    If I am replying I could suggest a day. To say – ok, we can talk on monday if you are free.

  158.  #158ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    I agree with your comment Dancing Siren -151.

    Very nice to read :). Let us know what you decided to do ๐Ÿ˜‰

  159.  #159Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    If I reply in what way am I putting myself first?

  160.  #160Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Maybe it’s not going to work out unless he contacts me.

  161.  #161ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    hmmm memulo … if you reply your putting yourself first in terms of soothing your mind ?

  162.  #162ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    hmmm memulo … if you reply your putting yourself first in terms of soothing your mind ?

  163.  #163BeLoved on March 2, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Okay wow that was easy and quick and felt totally weird and awkward.

    I called him and mentioned I felt so satisfied and was enjoying the gorgeous sunshine today and he asked, “are you lying out in your backyard tanning nude?”

    My mouth literally dropped open.

    I told him, “wow, I feel really uncomfortable that you just asked me that question”.
    It was about all I could muster, I felt shocked. I only know this guy very peripherally from work, we work for different companies in the same plant in different buildings.

    He said, “aww, I didn’t mean anything by it, I just bring up anything and everything.”

    I said, “uhh…I just feel really taken aback.”

    Aww, he said, and laughed.
    He was laughing a LOT, he almost sounded high to me.

    I asked him what he had in mind and he was evasive and rambling, asked about a restaurant in my part of town but didn’t ask about meeting there.
    He asked about my plans and I told him about wanting to write and feeling possessive of my time with myself so he said well, we can do something where we plan in advance, like a week in advance.
    I said I’d like that and
    he said, “well I’ll get back in touch with you.”

    I hope he doesn’t. He could have booked me for next weekend and he didn’t.

    Too much confusion with this one and we haven’t even made it to date 1 yet.

    I get me all to myself tonight!
    I feel so pleased ๐Ÿ˜‰

  164.  #164ArabianLove on March 2, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Yayy! For you Beloved !

    I think he was planning to fool around … but you never know if he will try and step up … although u dont sound like you want him to at all ๐Ÿ™‚

  165.  #165Tam on March 2, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Hi Ladies! This article has helped me. I have felt soon judgmental and displeased at the way Curly is handling his very old father dying (he is falling apart). And I shall try not to get all that caught up in it. He calls me several times a day sobbing, saying he can’t stop crying. And he is talking bad about family members, and gets angry when I don’t answer my phone day and night when he needs to talk.
    I have felt very judgmental and like he ought to ‘get a grip’ as his father is almost 100 and had a lovely life and is dying peacefully of old age.
    I just had a friend jump off his balcony, and another friend seeing him lie there all smashed up, and this has left me feeling very reflective and sad and also grateful. And I felt somehow unsupported by Curly who just said ‘well that guy had a choice and my father hasn’t’. Ok.

    I have also been emailing with mrp. He has been quite nice and indicated several times that he wants to see me when he gets back. Who knows what happens.He also said that he is sorry to hear about my friend and how we need to take the good with the bad, and how if he (my friend) would have had someone like me to be with, he would have had more good than bad. What an odd thing to say, awkward as the guy was gay…
    He also told me that he had a date with a girl where he is skiing right now, but cancelled it as she was only available for an hour a certain day and he thought it was rude.
    I found it strange that he told me. I didn’t like it.
    I told him it feels bad and I would rather not share our dating stories.
    I have to say that my belief that he likes me very much mentally and physically, but not enough to stop searching, has been substantiated. I am not surprised.
    It’s ok. Let him search…he won’t find anyone better than me anyway. I told him tongue in cheek that I am sorry the girls are not to his taste but that I am a hard act to follow. Ha!!
    I believe it too. I do now.

    Ok…that’s Tam’s news!

  166.  #166Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    113 hello Dancing Siren! So fun to see your name on here…

    I say go with your gut. If he is being defensive, that to me indicates he is NOT dealing with it effectively and in denial. It’s called transfer of addictions and I know it well from my past relationship. Ugh. It’s frustrating. But the good news is he was able to stop drinking right? That shows a step in the right direction. Sorry if this sounds harsh, just know that painkillers can be very very addicting and it’s a slippery slope….
    trust your gut.

  167.  #167Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    163 Omigosh Tam, I’m so so sorry about the friend going off the balcony. How horrible!! ๐Ÿ™

  168.  #168Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Omg. He called. to ask how I am doing and whether I ate that night. Then he said he left because I wasn’t taking to him. That I need to talk to him. I said that I will when he is back. Then we talked about their trip. Of course, he asked what I am doing tonight;)

  169.  #169Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Wow Tam that sounds terrible (((Tam)))

  170.  #170BeLoved on March 2, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Dancing Siren, thank you!

    And Emerson says in 164 nearly exactly my thoughts on your post.

    Not being able to acknowledge and validate the impact of his behavior on you is a symptom of deep shame. Most of us do not like to admit we have hurt another human being, especially one we care about, because the shame can be intolerable.

    So…the work here is for YOU to acknowledge the impact of his behavior, and as you do that you will feel more certain of what you need to do for yourself.

    (((Dancing Siren)))

  171.  #171Tam on March 2, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Thanks ladies. This wasn’t a very close friend, but he was a real sweetheart, so it did hit me. The last memory of him I have is him lovingly assembling crackers with cheese and handing them to me…he was so lovely. And took me out on a ‘date’ so he said, to a fancy restaurant even though he was gay…he used to say ‘I love to be around an intelligent and pretty woman’. He was a total gentleman. Sigh. But ok, he wanted to go, got to respect that.

  172.  #172Goddess Lily on March 2, 2013 at 3:13 pm


    Just popping in

  173.  #173k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    51-Feminine Woman.”I have had guys come back after years, sometimes decade and tell me โ€œI donโ€™t believe I will be happy until I get youโ€. Wow, u are serious. My goodness. Did u take then seriously and go back to them? U know its funny that u said this cause it flash cross my mind that based on how long time ex (the one who has remarried and who is still acting interested) is behaving, I am wondering (don’t know) if he ever got over me. Mind u, don’t get me wrong now. That’s HIS problem. But I wonder. Just a thought. But as I told him. He is out of the loop cause he is married and trust me I am DEAD serious I am not getting back involved with anyone who is married. So he is wasting his time.

  174.  #174Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    This week started out with so much promise and now I feel kind of deflated. ๐Ÿ™

    I spent some time with a friend today though and we had a beauty day and lunch…it was fun but now back to reality and I’m facing a crossroads in my life…I have been avoiding it to be honest….

    I feel piney for a man and not any particular man….just the security of arms and love and wanting to be with me and protect me and not be thinking I’m trying to take advantage just because I value hard work. Bah I feel so dumb about those comments I made to ExoticCD maybe he thinks I’m a gold digger…but why would he Emerson?? You have a good career and you’re just having a hard time right now with the economy…
    lol I”m funny how I talk to myself…

  175.  #175Emerson on March 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    The getting to know you stage of online dating feels tiresome right now….but with ExoticCD it felt natural talking to him….
    I felt comfortable strait away…

    My other two I’m in contact with from the site are starting to bore me…
    I am losing patience LOL….
    One just texted me to tell me he is sick and the horrible thing is I DON’T REALLY CARE….isn’t that horrid of me??!! I really don’t. I can’t even reply to the text.We had very very tentative plans for this evening as I was not sure what time I would be back from my day…so we left it open and now he is sick and I just feel…..
    Flat as a pancake. I don’t really give a S#it about anything right now.

  176.  #176MovingMagic on March 2, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    *Hugs Emerson* I can feel your frustration with ExoticCd /yourself coming thru the wires. Anything you can do to get your mind off of it for a while? A good book, movie, feel good music? Maybe window shopping?

  177.  #177Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Emerson, but you don’t really know this guy. Why would you be worried that he is sick?

  178.  #178Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    I don’t want let my cd pay for my dinners, I don’t feel comfortable with it. I am not a mouth to feed, I won’t hear this again. I will either pay for myself or we can have coffee dates or walk in the street dates.

  179.  #179Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Memulo can you see how petty this is in the bigger scheme of things? A man who invites you out does so after counting the costs. If a man makes a big deal about something so small what will he do when life hits him? Would you really want to be with such a man? Also for weeks now you have been saying you feel unsettled in your gut about this man. His true self is now showing up. You’ve got to choose yourself over him.

  180.  #180Butterfly Wings on March 2, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    It’s 10.30am and I’ve already received messages from 3 men this morning.

    While I was out last night, I had 5 men messaging me.

    M is really missing me and comes back tomorrow so I’ll be seeing him then.

    S and I will probably catch up Tuesday night because he comes back earlier that day.

    On Wednesday D (ex coworker) wants to see me, although I’ll probably be catching up with S as we’ve already arranged (we’re making the most of the 3 weeks that he’s back!). Nice that I have a Plan B though.

    Then on Thursday I have dinner with another guy I’m not into, but he’s nice.

    And on Friday I’ll probably go out with NWG and a few others from work.

    CDing really does rock! There’s NO chance of me getting all hung up on one guy right now – too many others to choose from. ๐Ÿ™‚

  181.  #181Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    RE 131 – Depends on where you are in your relationship.

  182.  #182Saffronsweet on March 2, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I would like to declare a new phase in my life.

    I am a newly grown up woman.

    I open my life to attract grown up men.

  183.  #183Saffronsweet on March 2, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    I intend to receive the attentions of mature men who have character and the ease and ability to cherish a woman (me). ๐Ÿ™‚

  184.  #184Iamabutterfly on March 2, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Wonderful post, Rori. Thank you!!!!

  185.  #185Vi on March 2, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Dancing Siren, I just felt like sharing that what you describe feels very familiar to me – approx. 1 year later after my man gave up drinking I found myself wanting his acknowledgement of my pain in the past – ‘ how difficult his addiction was for me’ and expressed it the way you do and got the exact reaction from my man.. I don’t know however can you relate or not, but in my experience I discovered it was my anger speaking. I discovered there is not only a part of me that does not regret my choices, there is also a part that really regrets them (it took so much from me just to acknowledge that ) and that part is angry at me for putting myself in a place that once felt bad to me. Smth inside me still feels pouty and doesn’t want to forgive me. So now I work on self forgiveness and don’t feel the need to have his acknowledgement any more. I actually came to the conclusion I didn’t really express my feelings but tried to make him responsible for my pain in the past, so it’s not surprize I received mild defensiveness in response.
    What makes me feel safe is a boundary around drinking and actually everything that doesn’t feel good to me.
    Sending you warm beams of support. You are so amazing.

  186.  #186Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    FW yes but don’t you think he is tired from feeling unloved?

  187.  #187Femininewoman on March 2, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Yes Memulo. Yet you are not being honest with yourself. You have been writing like you were only tolerating him because you want to be with someone else. This is what you should be feeling your way through so that when he comes toward you, you share openly with him. Right now your focus is in the wrong place so that you don’t have to deal with yourself. It is natural for you to want to lean forward as he has obviously stepped back.

  188.  #188Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    I don’t want to tell him that I was thinking about someone else. It won’t change anything except for deeply hurting him. And it’s not the only reason I’ve been not 100% with him.
    He is not leaning back though? He called me today and said he will be calling tomorrow.

  189.  #189k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    FW, you really sound like a relationship counsellor. It would be good for you to join Rori and Dominique in the field. U give good advice and your posts are analytical. Butterfly Wings-178-you are enjoying yourself with circular dating. That’s great. 169-Tam, condolences on the death of your friend. So sorry for what happened to him. Did he give any indications before that he was troubled?

  190.  #190k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    On weekends I feel so drained. I still didn’t make it to the park, oh boy. I am taking vitamins. While I wasn’t feeling as tired as I felt last week Saturday, I still didn’t feel like leaving the house. I can’t wait to get a break from work again in Easter. Oh my goodness. Seems like I am tired all the time. I am trying my best to go during the week. When I finally reach, I will let u guys know.

  191.  #191Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    K2012, two of us are the only ones here tonight;) I just finished studying and you are resting I understand.

  192.  #192sha-sha on March 2, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Love this thread

  193.  #193Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Re: the post – it’s not helping to think bad about him and to think too highly of him doesn’t help much either. The truth is in the middle.

  194.  #194k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I am actually at the desktop and on yahoo as well as doing some work. Seems all the girls are gone out with their cds. Let’s do a roll call like we are at school. Lol. By the way haven’t seen Lori in a while.

  195.  #195Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I made so many mistakes with the one who got away.. without even knowing it. He was testing and testing me and I was failing half of the time. At the end he found the one who passed..

  196.  #196Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    It is Saturday night here, so everyone is out;)

  197.  #197k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Yes its Saturday night here too.

  198.  #198k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    I am so sorry to know that u are still hurting from the disappearance of your guy. Time heals all things. When is your cd coming back?

  199.  #199LoveAlways on March 2, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    This article by Rori reminds me of the Queen Esther story in Commitment Blueprint. He is my king and I am his queen. I see him as nothing less at any time, even though I see he is human and his faults are there. I am just as human. But my heart opens up to him and I do my best to balance it all out with putting me first and foremost.

  200.  #200Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    K2012, thank you. My cd is coming back tomorrow night. He is a good guy overall and he really likes me but I will never have the same feelings for him as I did for the last one.

    Still need to workout this sudden scenes habit.

  201.  #201Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    LoveAlways, amazing as usual ๐Ÿ˜‰

  202.  #202Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    It is much harder to do it right with the one you really like. And you do it ๐Ÿ˜‰

  203.  #203Memulo on March 2, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Sometimes I feel that i don’t want the time to heal this one. I don’t want to forget what I really want.

  204.  #204k2012 on March 2, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I was just in the kitchen a while ago putting up my dinner and it flashed cross my mind that some people take a while to get over a breakup. Not because I took 5 months to get over disappearing ex, it is going to be the same for someone else. Different people have different times to heal. I am amazed at how I got over him in 5 short months though. I will share with u my strategy on how I got over this man who hurt me so badly. I PRAYED. I prayed to God and asked him to purge him out of my system. Every night I went to bed and begged God to get him out of my system. My sisters gave me a listening ear, my mother, my father, my hairdresser/relationship counsellor (dhe doesn’t know I call her this, a close friend overseas and u girls on here all helped me to overcome this man. Two other close friends knew about the breakup but I didn’t go into detail with one cause I found out she is not confidential. I discussed it with the other one for a little while and then stopped. But the other persons I listed, including u guys, I vented and vented and I prayed and begged God to take this man out of my system. I found myself praying for him and afterward the following day I would say to myself,”why am I wasting my prayers on him?” I asked God to help me to forgive him and I found out that when I pray for him, I no longer ask myself the question I just asked. I prayed about this every night or every morning until realized that I was completely healed. One thing I had problems with was closure. Steve Harvey said closure is not necessary. I totally disagree. I had to give myself closure. It wasn’t easy though. Are u having problems with closure Memulo?

  205.  #205Tereana on March 3, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Heart: “all our horses are broken”

    Aw…maybe they’re not broken. Horses can go in the wrong direction sometimes, too. I know I have trouble guiding my “horse” sometimes, or sensing where it needs to go…It’s a process

  206.  #206Tereana on March 3, 2013 at 12:58 am

    It’s so funny. I’ve been meaning to check the blog for a while now. And finally, tonight, I had an overwhelming feeling that I really “needed” it. And wow – Rori’s post has really spoken to something that is at the heart of what I’ve been struggling with for days.

    (well, okay, realistically, much longer than that – try 20 years. But it’s been prominent on my mind for days.)

    Lately I have been feeling incredibly “icky” about guys. And I’ve noticed that my pattern hasn’t changed – as soon as I get “close” with a guy, I reject him, in a big way. The most recent example is (k). I was really liking him, and enjoying spending time with him. But the minute he tried to make things physical, it got way too much for me. Now I can’t even be in the same room with him, I don’t think. Maybe I’m crazy. But the feelings are so strong.

    Sometimes the idea of couples loving each other, or the idea of the masculine “claiming” me makes me sick to my stomach. I feel all tense, and also an icky sensation on the outside of my ears. *shudder*

    Why should that be so bad?

    I have a problem with sex. I am still not okay with sex. I know that. I’m still working on it (sort of), but at the moment, it seems stalled. How can I get anywhere? Therapy doesn’t work for me. Sex doesn’t work for me. Heart – maybe you’re right. I’m just broken. Not my horse. My horse is fine. But I’m broken ๐Ÿ™

    Which is the other part of Rori’s post that really struck a chord with me. At the same time that I am feeling all judgmental-y about men (men are stupid, men are bad, men are icky, men are jerks, men just want me for my boobs and c*nt; they like me from the neck down, but my personality is invisible to them – they only see a hot body and a pretty face. yada, yada), what’s really happening is that I’m being all judgemental-y about myself.

    And maybe I actually feel some relief and clarity here. Maybe it’s not the case that all men *are* jerks, and that they are fundamentally flawed as human beings, and therefore disgusting and not worthy of respect – it’s just that that is what I am thinking about myself.

    And I know this to be true. I feel disgusting inside. I feel rotten. I feel worthless as a human being. I feel invisible.

    Sometimes I am in groups, and I try to speak, and it is like no one hears me. Sometimes I speak to just one person, and the next question out of their mouths is the exact thing that I just said to them. I feel highly ineffective. I feel as if I may as well not exist.

    And maybe I feel a bit depressed right now because I don’t have a house. And that’s understandable to me. But my parents are ignoring me. My mother will only talk about herself. She hasn’t asked me even ONCE how I’m doing. NOT ONCE. And she knows what happened – she knows that a man tried to bring me into his house to use me as a sex slave. And she still doesn’t care. My father hasn’t even called. And I am IN this position because of their failures as parents. I’m sorry, that’s just how it is.

    I am a strong person. I am a smart person. I can do many things. But the one thing that I can’t do is believe in myself. Because the primary people in my life that I’ve always looked to for support don’t believe in me – have never believed in me. They are only happy when I am sick and dependent on them. And any dreams I have ever had, they crushed before they could even get out of the ground.

    Here’s the truth: I know that if I told my mother that I wanted to come home, because I failed in the city where I live, and I couldn’t make my life work for me, she would be overjoyed. She would feign sympathy, but she would pay for the whole trip. Why? Because it means she would get the benefit of having me around. And she wouldn’t even criticize me if I didn’t work, because she would just be happy to have me in her house. She’d be happy if I was a braindead drooling invalid. In fact, I think she’d be happier if I was. Because then she would feel important and useful. But the point is – if I said that I was coming home, she would have the money in an instant.

    When I am homeless and I need money to just feed myself and pay rent or find a new place – she has no money at all. Suddenly she is broke, and whines that if she gives me money, then she will be out on the street. And I feel SO incredibly f*(cking angry about that. And laughing – in a crazy, f*ed up kind of way – because I am ALREADY homeless. And she doesn’t even care. How dare she call herself my mother? She isn’t my mother. She did me the favor of bringing me into this world. Everything else she’s ever tried to do for me has brought me nothing but pain. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel grateful for her ignorance. I don’t feel grateful for her lack of trust. And I do not feel grateful for her selfish insistence on always keeping the focus on HER, and Never giving me the time of day or the attention that I so desperately need – and deserve.

    And that sucks.

  207.  #207Tereana on March 3, 2013 at 12:59 am

    p.s. what’s up with those links in the text?? Rori must be monetizing with those. but I hate those kind of ads : (

  208.  #208Tereana on March 3, 2013 at 1:04 am

    Memulo, your post in 193 made me think of SYG. I think about him a lot, actually (well, occasionally I do). Even though I know it’s pretty fruitless…

  209.  #209Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I also realised that there is a big difference between a man healing through your heart, and you taking on his anger, taking responsibility for processing and resolving it.

  210.  #210Elsie on March 3, 2013 at 4:45 am

    @31 – Beloved – WOW. That really hit me. Since last year I have had a very VERY VERY strong voice in my head that says “You are in the exactly the right place.” But now it may be for reasons that are different than I think. It hit me so hard when I read this – thanks for sharing because I have that skeptic voice in my head too!!

  211.  #211Elsie on March 3, 2013 at 4:45 am

    @29 – Heart – wow, I have that same creature inside me – and I think to myself sometimes too – this is tooo hard – and I just want HIM, and don’t want to do all this work – why is it so hard?

  212.  #212Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 5:02 am

    K2012, I don’t have a problem with closure. I don’t want a closure, I hate it. I had deep feelings for him and liked a lot if things about him, that’s all.

  213.  #213Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 5:17 am

    I am also very mad at myself that I was so passive in that relationship, did not defend myself and just let it happen. I know a big part of it is lack of experience, and I know that not everyone tests you and let you fail, but perhaps even that is not true.

    I had a bad dream. In my dream my ex suddenly invited me for dinner, I gladly accepted (would not have in real life!) and at dinner found out that he wants to be ‘friends’ with me, he was tapping me on the shoulder and was ‘nice’ with me, and told me about his girlfriend with much respect. And I was so hurt that I did not say anything about him disappearing and did not even say that I was going out with someone too. Terrible dream ๐Ÿ˜‰ Plus I know that he is DONE with me, he is up to bigger better life.

  214.  #214Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Memulo if you don’t want closure then you need to seek a way to let go that will work for you. It seems you are torturing yourself so much that now it is pouring out of your subconscious mind. The greatest revenge you could have is how quickly you could get over him and move on. You are saying he has moved on to a better life, do you want the same for yourself too? Why bother think about what’s happening in his life?

  215.  #215Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 5:41 am

    FW yes, I know. It hurts to realize that he was confident about his move to another woman and it all played out well, as if I never happened. I was a dress rehearsal ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I want to move on and love again, but so far am not meeting anyone I feel really excited about. Maybe once it happens I will fully forget. Or maybe I will have to work it out with my cd at the end because he is the only one who wants me.

  216.  #216k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 5:50 am

    FW: 212-“The greatest revenge you could have is how quickly you could get over him and move on.” Wow, high five for that statement FW. I know u are talking to Memulo but trust me I could use that statement for myself. That is the sweetest revenge for me, trust me. 5 short months and I have forgotten about him. Once in a while, his name comes up. God is good. When u can get over them and move on swiftly, that is indeed sweet revenge. Ignoring him on facebook by clicking “like” at everyone’s “Happy birthday” and not clicking his was a form of revenge too and just finally deleting him from my profile. Also not responding to his “happy birthday.” My sister doesn’t do business with him and we have not spoken about him in a long time. Sweet revenge.

  217.  #217Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Good for you K2012! I won’t have my revenge so sweet because our worlds do not overlap and in any case he sincerely does not give a thing for what I think or don’t ๐Ÿ˜‰

  218.  #218Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 6:07 am


    I know how hard it is not to beat yourself up for what you did in a relationship, especially if it did not turn out the way you would have liked. But what you did was not the worst thing that anyone has ever done.

    Sometimes these things are not under our control. Consider that he could have reacted a very different way to your passiveness or expressing a problem, than disappearing? That is all on him… at what point do you actually start to ease up on yourself and say ok, I was not that bad, he also bears some responsibility?

  219.  #219Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Memulo maybe you rather have feel sorry for you and come back?

  220.  #220Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Think about. The man is off living his life and 5/6 months later I am wallowing in self pity? Was he even divorced yet?

  221.  #221Liz on March 3, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Dominique – perhaps I am. but i went through a difficult time with him in december, when he was so busy again with the holidays. and when i said something and tried to explain that I needed time with him. he shut down completely. So i came to the conclusion that it would be better for me to focus on myself and my goals for a while. Yes, i would like more time with him, i would like to be less “strategic” and more natural. But it seems whenever I am, (at least at seems that way to me) I am dissapointed. I guess I am shocked by his reaction and his words to me.. cause frankly, I thought he would be happy. I dont want to be asking all the time or worse nagging and complaining. I have said in the last several weeks, or asked, for us to spend time together – more time.. and it hasnt really happened. He is always so busy, etc. So if I were to understand what Rori says, men do what they want. And we should focus on ourselves.. again, how or why could he be upset or even question me, when basically I am following his lead?

  222.  #222Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Does anyone know the basics of how to make a man earn your attention, and earn your time?
    Is this part of being high degree of difficulty?
    Where can I read and learn more about that?

  223.  #223ArabianLove on March 3, 2013 at 7:43 am

    I need that info too Sweet Saffron.

    Oh dear did I have a bad night last night .

    He answered me rudely last night … and I blew up .. let him know that he could not talk to me like that and that he had no decency with me, no respect!

    You girls probably wont approve! But it felt good at the moment… now I am worried since I do like him loads.

    But if he has no respect for me and I am simply a convenience well then I have no clue what to do about that …

  224.  #224k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Hugs to u Memulo. We are all here for u and will help u get through this. Apart from us ladies here on the blog, who else do u discuss this with? Cause u really need support. As I am sure u know, support is critical to the healing process. Family and Trusted friends will play an important part in your healing. Careful of who u confide in as its not bevery friend u can trust as I found out (see one of my posts above).

  225.  #225Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 8:09 am


    My understanding is that when you get really clear on what you do and don’t want, and your commitment to that is strong enough that you are able to stand up for that, no matter what is going on, then how you require a man to treat you in order to have you and spend time with you naturally flows from that.

    We women tolerate bad treatment for so many reasons… and I think it’s in large part about understanding your triggers, and really continuously getting clear on what you want and don’t want. Your love relationship with yourself is paramount, and is the thing which needs constant nurturing and growing.

    The way I understand it, a woman with unwavering commitment to her own feelings and desires, and strong, healthy love for herself will over time inspire a higher and higher calibre of treatment in men.

  226.  #226GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 8:11 am

    220- saffron sweet….

    It is a practice you might have to dive into head first. The real way to do this is with learning how to love yourself, how to communicate to speak your boundaries and feelings and desires without fear, how to listen to him and absorb what he says and feel the feelings that come up without “freaking out”, how to uphold what you have expressed while at the same time forging and ability to meet a person where *they* are at, even if it’s way out there from where you’re at, and how to stay true to you during all of that without going into old patterns.

    It is also about sinking into feelings and falling in love with all of it and being ok with it. Being centered and solid and also soft and affectable. *Trusting yourself* – Most important. Because when you trust yourself you can do whatever you want really…Or at least work through confusions on your own…Your own answers will be right for you. You’ll know when you’re there because not only will you no longer feel a need for advice, people will, for the most part, stop giving it to you. They will trust you…

    The way to get there is….In whatever way you can! Know where you want to be, take it moment by moment, and keep on keepin’ on.


    Have fun with it! Best advice…Learn to LOVE the process and commit to it, and you will get there.

  227.  #227GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 8:12 am

    oh and PS:

    Men will be all over you…They can’t help it.

    oooo there’s something about that girl that is soft and sexy and strong and feminine and solid and trustworthy…Magnetc.

  228.  #228Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 8:14 am

    The specifics of how you communicate your feelings, and wants and don’t wants are the practical details which take practice. That is where feeling messages, leaning back or even walking away, or being open and receptive when he offers you what you *do* want come in.

    I don’t know though, for me, I think with the right man it’s not so much about earning the right to my time and attention, I feel it’s more to do with wanting to please me, make me happy, caring deeply about my wellbeing.

  229.  #229Starry Siren on March 3, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Dear Rori

    Can you recommend a coach or therapist for me, please?
    I want to change the kind of man I often seem to end up falling into relationship with. It doesn’t matter how good a man he seems at first, somewhere down the line I end up feeling like I’m being punished. Not badly, just an undercurrent of occasional meanness, and a general emotional unavailability. It does remind me of my father, and how I perceived him treating my Mom.

  230.  #230GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 8:20 am

    mmm it’s really a palpable energy that clings and swirls around a woman…When she can feel it, and knows it’s there, anyone can! She can even be sad…She can definitely be sad, and still magnetic.

    So true.

  231.  #231Luzydel on March 3, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I need to get out more, o am I going to meet people if I am always stuck inside the house?

  232.  #232ALA on March 3, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Indigo & GlowStix – Beautiful words! ๐Ÿ™‚

    This feels to me like it is far off on the distant horizon. Like a shiny mirage on hot pavement while driving down the road. Always in sight, yet just out of reach. It also feels like it is within me. I just need to find it buried underneath all the stuff. Thanks for such inspiring words!!

  233.  #233GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 8:35 am


    Your mirage vision is inspiring! When I read it I feel it…The oily shimmering waves…Then I think, oh she’ll get there for sure!! Then I think, it’s not getting there, it’s the journey. The journey is most beautiful when it’s embraced this way…You’re already “there” and moving through it. : )

  234.  #234GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 8:40 am

    I see I wrote “getting there” a lot…And I’d like to pull that back (it’s something i’m moving through within myself). There is no “there” to get to. There only is each moment and feelings and happenings and being present and aware in the best way I can in each moment.

    I’m not “there”. There is no “there”. There is only here and how I feel here and what I do with that now. Awareness…So key to the “how” of what I do with my feelings moment to moment.

  235.  #235k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 8:58 am

    228-luzydel. I am guilty of that. Are u circular dating? Or there is no one in the picture right now?

  236.  #236Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Saffronsweet, I think you did the right thing. Yay to you!

  237.  #237ALA on March 3, 2013 at 9:04 am

    GlowStix ๐Ÿ™‚


    I’ve just had a mild setback this week. I love my awareness about my carb addiction and how it relates to emotional eating. I use carbs to soothe my feelings of anxiety and loneliness. It started out with “just a little bit” earlier this week and gradually ended up with a full-blown binging on carbs yesterday. Just like any other addict, I am powerless what this does to me. I just need to stay away from this poison to my body and mind. I feel guilt and shameful for my lack of control. Thank you, awareness for loving me when I don’t love myself enough to take better care of me.

  238.  #238Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Luzydel, yes, I was thinking this morning just that. Why did I stay at home all evening yesterday? After I finished studying I could go out to a classy bar alone. I know they were playing jazz there. What was I thinking??

    Will try to go tonight, just for the sake of it. Even though there’s no music, but still to feel that I want to be more active about it.

  239.  #239Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Thank you FW, Indigo and K2012. I shouldn’t be talking about that situation anymore. It’s like I am re-living my failure 10 thousand times, it’s so harsh on me.

  240.  #240Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 9:11 am


    When I find myself weak and overeating I go to the gym and that put things into the right perspective. I make myself excercise more and make small progress every day. It gives me strength to control myself when I am at dining table. And it makes me want to pick healthier food, I simply don’t want carbs as much. And I don’t feel like eating as much either. Not to mention I feel great ๐Ÿ˜‰

  241.  #241Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 9:18 am

    I am actually thinking that perhaps I sold myself short last night with my cd. He said – I left you in the street because you wouldn’t talk to me. You need to talk to me.

    I didn’t think about it as – he left me in the street. But he admits it himself. that is really unacceptable.

  242.  #242k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 9:19 am

    We all want a man who will treat us like the queens we are. Remember that. We are the prize. Indeed.

  243.  #243Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Yay to you Memulo!

    It is ok to be lovely to yourself around what happened, not to mention it is probably more in keeping with the truth.


  244.  #244Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Indigo – many thanks to you. I’m digesting what you said about being super-clear on what I want and don’t want. It gets clearer every moment.

    You said – I think with the right man itโ€™s not so much about earning the right to my time and attention, I feel itโ€™s more to do with wanting to please me, make me happy, caring deeply about my wellbeing.-

    That made me gulp. Because if there’s one thing that upsets me about the man I’m with, it’s that he seems to care only superficially for my well-being, and he only seems to do it for the reward of my appreciation. I long for a man who has some empathy and cares in some depth about my physical sensitivities even if his own health is robust.

  245.  #245Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 9:24 am


    As GlowStix so beautifully put it, none of us are “there” yet. I think the trick is to love yourself no matter “where” you are ๐Ÿ™‚

  246.  #246Libelula on March 3, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I’ve tried to break things off with an uncommitted man again. I wrote a script, sent it off & done pretty well at not checking if he saw it or responded (because he can see when I do that & it feels like pursuing). I keep saying to myself, “I have the intention to not reinitiate contact with him.” Then I try to take the time to feel how sad, disappointed and lonely I am without him. This cycle has occurred so many times with him (either he initiates the ending or I do then one of us makes contact & the other takes him/her back) – I feel exhausted. I am listening to the audios & trying to practice. But I’m so sad, so disappointed. It feels frustrating that he gave me so many signals over the years & said the words that I’m the one & talked about a future together, but when it came down to commitment, he didn’t. I need some encouragement from others who know what I am going through. Thanks

  247.  #247Indigo on March 3, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Hm Saffronsweet

    I’m sorry to hear that dear. It was after some time that I realised that getting clear on what you want for yourself is the most important thing in all of this.

    Are you able to take a step back, to really, really care for yourself, and then with renewed clarity communicate your needs to your man and see if he is willing to meet them?

  248.  #248Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Glowstix – thank you. And I feel happy that there is no ‘there’ to get to. I’m feeling trusting of myself and my intuition and my growing confidence to hold out for what I want.
    I asked the question about how a man ‘earns’ the right to be with us, because I think that some masculine men value the things they have to earn. And also because I think I have been too available to my man because I have been lonely and craving his attention.

  249.  #249ALA on March 3, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Memulo – Yes! That’s a great reminder. Unfortunately exercise was not at all on my radar yesterday. Carbs make me feel lazy and sluggish. My joints and muscles feel tight and achy. Why do I want to put myself through that when there are much better ways I can cope with my emotions?!!

    Letting go of beating myself up now. Starting fresh today with nourishing veggies and protein. It’s not raining like what was forecasted for today, so I will get outside for some fresh air and exercise too.

  250.  #250Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Indigo asked ‘Are you able to take a step back, to really, really care for yourself, and then with renewed clarity communicate your needs to your man and see if he is willing to meet them?’

    I love caring for myself, and when he is away I can do so in fullness.
    When he comes back, my anxiety is immediate. He stays up late, and so the wi-fi and lights are on downstairs when I want to fall asleep (I consider myself electomagnetically sensitive), he eats fast food (and he eats fast!) and he makes it known how stressed he is.

    Gosh, writing this I can see how much I’d like us to live apart.

  251.  #251Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 10:01 am


  252.  #252Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Listening to a replay of an interview with Orna and Matthew Walters, they say this – rather than looking for somebody that you have a spark with, ask โ€œWhat is it that my heart really desires in relationship?โ€

    I want to answer that here if I can.
    My heart desires a feeling of being cared for and cherished in a man’s hands, as delicately and as fiercely as I myself cherish it.

    My heart desires passion, with my body wrapped up in tight embraces and hot kisses.

    My heart desires to rest on trust, loyalty and faithfulness – these serving as quiet foundations for harmony, ease and flow.

    My heart desires joy and spontaneity. My heart desires a man who sees and desires to paint with all the colours of my soul.

  253.  #253GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Saffron- It seems you have a good “handle” on what it loooks like when a man is truly earning our time…So it definitely does come down to the self focus centered-ness and keeping up the boundaries and self love and respect. It will inspire the right type of men to step forward and they will show us themselves if they are wrong or right and if we are willing to listen to our own intuitions.

  254.  #254GlowStix on March 3, 2013 at 10:42 am

    little extra “and” in there ; )

  255.  #255Daria on March 3, 2013 at 11:04 am

    im at the next level

    new normal

    im a dragon and he’s a dragon too

    over and out

    my spirit is mating courting ritual and its a dragon

  256.  #256MovingMagic on March 3, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Saffron, I love your post! Re: Matthew & Orna.Yummm. That sounds so amaaazing.

  257.  #257MovingMagic on March 3, 2013 at 11:10 am

    My intention for this week is to say yes! to as much as possible. Ready. Set. Go!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  258.  #258Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 11:13 am

    keeping up the boundaries of self-love and respect…

    I admit that I have been feeling so helpless that the only power I have found is in hinting/threatening at ultimatums. And I know men hate these, and they don’t work, and they push men away.
    I haven’t known what else to do, except to let him think that I may not stick around.
    He loses patience and gruffly asks me why don’t I make a decision one way or the other.

    I wonder how my boundaries and self-love, etc., look like communicated to him, rather than these ultimatums and semi-threats of leaving him.

  259.  #259Smile on March 3, 2013 at 11:31 am

    How does it look to a man to tell him you miss him….

  260.  #260Smile on March 3, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Maybe I’ll go for… I really enjoy spending time together…
    He always makes plans to see me but he was ill this weekend.

  261.  #261Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 11:33 am

    234 ALA
    I can relate to the carb issue.
    It’s really difficult. My problem is ice cream and cookies. Such lovely things are so evil when I eat too much. I’m doing it less and less nowadays… But I know I get this habit from my mom.

  262.  #262Dominique on March 3, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Smile – 255 – It doesn’t matter what it looks like to a man. It matter how it make YOU feel expressing it.

    (But if we’re going to speculate on this, if he’s your man, it will make him feel loved.)


  263.  #263Smile on March 3, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I wasn’t authentic. I could feel it. I felt the fear creep in and I can feel him pull away. ๐Ÿ™

  264.  #264Smile on March 3, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Thanks dominique.

    I asked when he was back…. He said why…. I said I was just asking in conversation… He said I thought you might have wanted to make plans.

    I could sense he felt let down I didn’t ask to make plans. I wasn’t authentic. I tried to cover it up by saying I was just making conversation.
    He’s told me when he’s free.

    I told him I’m looking forward to seeing him now he’s better, I missed him.

  265.  #265Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Smile, don’t be hard on yourself….
    It’s hard to be authentic for me sometimes it’s a process and I have to remind myself it’s ok… I have walls up wanting to say what people want to hear from me rather than what is genuine….
    It’s practice and being gentle with myself…

  266.  #266Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    One of my comments is in moderation not sure why maybe the word ev*il

  267.  #267Smile on March 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I wanted to see him but instead of saying this and being true and vulnerable I didn’t think I should instigate the plans. Instead by not making the plans made it feel worse than just saying I’d like to see him. I know I’m not needy and do not have this vibe so it would have been ok say this without fear it coming across that way.

  268.  #268Smile on March 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Thanks Emerson ๐Ÿ™‚

  269.  #269Smile on March 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    He says I’m sweet and he likes hearing that ๐Ÿ™‚

  270.  #270Starry Siren on March 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Dear Rori (sorry, I think I spelled my e-mail address incorrectly earlier)

    Could you help with a recommendation for a coach, or program?

    I’m attracting men who seem good at first. Then over time things start to feel bad. It’s as if they want to punish me. They act mean, and emotionally unavailable. I am practicing your tools. I want to create trust and intimacy, yet I my current man doesn’t want to go there with me.

  271.  #271Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Memulo he is well aware of how he needs to behave to convince you that he is good enough for you. Let him work to convince you.

  272.  #272Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Memulo the relationship failed. You didn’t. Most relationships fail.

  273.  #273Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    It would feel so good to pack my bags and go, and find space for myself. To expand and breathe and not crave things from him.
    To stop judging the crumbs I think I’m getting.

    That’s just it. No crumbs at all feels better than crumbs.

  274.  #274ArabianLove on March 3, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    I just wish he would come around on his own and treat me respectfully from now on ! I dont want to be a booty call ! I want to be loved and to go out and have fun with someone that i feel safe with. Someone i can experience life with.

  275.  #275Smile on March 3, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I’m so glad I let my energy lift me up and carry me away from strummingman offering me crumbs, it made way for much more fulfilling and rewarding energy to receive.

  276.  #276Smile on March 3, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Strummingman? Lol who is that!!!? A vague memory!

  277.  #277Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    FW, thank you, but his current relationship is doing well ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Anyway – I need to be more active looking for other cd’s. It’s not easy since I work long hours and need to study hard too.. I need to be even more efficient at this.

  278.  #278Saffronsweet on March 3, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Good for you, Smile
    Accepting crumbs feels like my spirit is withering day by day.

  279.  #279Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    I have an issue with accepting crumbs. Most of the time I don’t even realize that I am offered crumbs.

  280.  #280Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    I never tried match. Is it good?

  281.  #281BeLoved on March 3, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    I have a date with a man Tues night for the sole, express purpose of practicing orgasmic meditation on me.
    15 minutes of meditative clitoris stroking,
    my only job is to lie there and receive and be present


  282.  #282Femininewoman on March 3, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    RE 273 – Me too. Hindsight is 20/20. We can learn together.

  283.  #283k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    274-Memulo. Do u mean Match.com?

  284.  #284Daria on March 3, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    wow ! submitting has taken on a whole new PLEASURE

    and i now notice everything i say feels so authentic and powerful

  285.  #285Daria on March 3, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    i love tending to my Heartfire!

  286.  #286Daria on March 3, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    i almost skipped soul mating and was gonna go for life mating, and now im glad i went for the soul mating ! yay! having so much fun!

  287.  #287Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Yes K2012, I meant match.com

  288.  #288Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    I calmed down my cd yesterday by telling him that I was planning to spend Sat night studying and on Friday night I went to a museum with a gfriend. So on the weekend when he is away I’m behaving in the most innocent way;) why am I is another question!

  289.  #289Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    I feel that I’ve been self-sabotaging for a couple of months now. So many fears..

  290.  #290Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    I remember dumbcd once told me when he thought I didn’t stand up for myself at work: when I met my ex she had nothing, barely spoke the language and didn’t know anyone. Still she thought she had a lot if power and caused me many problems. At work shed be fired for what she was doing

  291.  #291k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Ok.Memulo- 281.My sister overseas has been telling me about them. I know they have been around for a long time. Wonder if they have guys in the Carribbean registering with them, particularly in my country.

  292.  #292IamHis on March 3, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Rori, (or anybody) how do you change your Name on here? it would feel great if someone would let me know. Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

  293.  #293BeLoved on March 3, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    I’m feeling a familiar longing to go back to the PNW…
    I miss T. I miss living in a smaller city.
    I feel like Houston is going to swallow me up.
    It would feel so much easier to live in OR,
    it seems like it would be much easier to get back into community college and to be hooked into community that I feel so hungry for.
    MMmmmmm….my heart is humming around memories of walking around there in the sunshine.
    I wonder if I could find work.

  294.  #294Olivia on March 3, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    @liz -my gut advice is to experiment with this for another month and then re-assess. it sounds like you’ve been this guy awhile and it may take an adjustment period.

    keep doing you! you will never go back to the ‘old way’ and that is something special.

  295.  #295Olivia on March 3, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    @daria. just want to say i appreciate your always spirit-full posts!

  296.  #296Memulo on March 3, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    My cd did not call today, though maybe he is not back from his trip yet. I should definitely look for others.

  297.  #297Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Thank you Olivia :). I see you with your beautiful name

  298.  #298Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Tonite the devil is finally coming to see Le and I’m finally ready to submit to what he wants to do to me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Yayyyyy. Ahhh he brings me to my knees

  299.  #299Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    The fiery angel

  300.  #300Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    His thighs are so sleek and strong

    He has flames on his front and feathered wings on his back

    He has a sex-bead in the skin of his dick

  301.  #301Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    He wants to kiss on my feet and have me swallow his seed and not tell Get Right, his friend.

  302.  #302Daria on March 3, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    291: Daria says:

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    Tonite the de*vil is finally coming to see Le and Iโ€™m finally ready to submit to what he wants to do to me

    Yayyyyy. Ahhh he brings me to my knees

    Sunday, 3 March 2013 @ 8:13pm

  303.  #303k2012 on March 3, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    “The next time a man tells you, he doesn’t want to hurt you, listen. Its a red flag. He may not want to hurt you, but most likely,he will.” Virginia Clark-Its Never too late to marry. Red flag indeed. Big station flag that.

  304.  #304Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    I want to remind myself to let go and be free …
    I hold back a lot ….
    I felt free and easy with exoticCD!!!

    I feel better about that situation I was just obsessing…he thought I told him I was busy this weekend so he didn’t ask me to make plans …
    He did want to see me he said…
    Well we shall see. I have other CDs to meet too…

  305.  #305Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    I feel myself wanting to fall into a relationship naturally…
    Just be fully committed and in love and dreamy… i knkw how it feels….to Love freely and let myself just go for it….
    But I’m holding back..
    Scared to get hurt, but I get hurt anyways so what is the point…
    I need to trust myself more….let myself love…open heart, unzip and be me…
    Emerson you can do it

  306.  #306Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I can taste how it feels to be in love and with a man I am crazy about and connected… The feeling is safe …

  307.  #307Emerson on March 3, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    I realize I used to lie about a lot of things because I was afraid to be authentic…lie about what I like don’t like what I do and don’t do… Etc… I am intending to remain free from this ….

  308.  #308Rori Raye on March 4, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Starry – Welcome, and there are so many great coaches/therapists. Virginia Clark (my best friend) at http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com, Dominique and http://www.sexandheart.com, Great Hassel and http://www.gretahassel.com….Love, Rori

  309.  #309Rori Raye on March 4, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Libelula, The trick for you here is to not have any contact with him at all, and Circular Date with as many men as you can. Love, Rori

  310.  #310Rebecca on March 4, 2013 at 1:38 am

    Femininewoman – 272

    Most relationships fail.

    I find this statement so sad and depressing…

  311.  #311Kath on March 4, 2013 at 2:01 am

    Thanks Rori, you’ve done it again- I feel so bad about how I feel right now. I finally told him last night because he said I seem so sensitive right now that there are times when I don’t feel special to him, times when I wonder whether he’s actually emotionally with me or not. I don’t feel he is- he smiles and laughs less with me than he used to and yesterday he actually said that sometimes I was hard work and could be very inflexible. I was stunned- I think I’ve been the most flexible a person could be!- I’ve stepped back, allowed him time to get to grips with his stuff- I know he’s not got over his marriage or his feelings for his wife (they’ve not divorced) and I don’t feel central to his thoughts. I have taken on his interests, been nice to his friends, moved into his house so he didn’t lose it, done so much and I am starting to feel resentful that there is nothing for me. When I finally found the words to tell him how I felt last night he went silent- didn’t speak or do anything for the rest of the evening- I feel so uncomfortable. I said it felt awful opening up and telling how I felt when he said nothing in return. He tried to say that it didn’t matter what he said I’d only make an argument- I felt so upset. I feel so misunderstood and I feel that he is so emotionally unavailable. It feels like no mans land.

  312.  #312Butterfly Wings on March 4, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Every failure is another step towards success… that’s how I look at the dating game.

    And most relationships ARE destined to fail. How could EVERY man we meet be right for us? It’s just not possible?

    We are unique, as is every man. So it’s a numbers game, to weed out those who aren’t a match until we find the one who is. Or there could be a few! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  313.  #313Butterfly Wings on March 4, 2013 at 3:53 am

    I’m not sure whether to feel excited or overwhelmed with CDing. I know Rori talks about dating at least 3, and even dating up to 10, but how do we juggle it all???

    M returned home today, but he had stuff to do and I wasn’t expecting to see him tonight anyway. So we’re meeting up tomorrow after I finish work. He’s missed me a LOT, going by his texts! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    S is back tomorrow after 5 weeks away, and I’m yet to tell him we’re not meeting up until Wednesday. I’m sure he’ll survive. Plus I figured he’d be tired. He’s messaging me a bit later, and continues to call/message every single day. He’s VERY attentive for someone who doesn’t want a relationship! But he’s great practise! ๐Ÿ™‚

    D (ex coworker) wanted to meet Wednesday too, but he will have to wait till Friday.

    L and I have dinner plans Thursday. He’s just a friend.

    And G (another date from my past) has just ended it with his gf and wants to catch up for a beer next week. He told me tonight that my FB profile picture is “beautiful”. He’s had a thing for me for a while, but he’s really just not my type although has one of the most gentle souls ever.

    Oh and last night B wanted to catch up, but I was tucked up in bed and wasn’t going out for ANYONE! Plus he’s a player. Also good practise!

    Plus the other S is still hanging around, although not stepping up since he poofed in January.

    Oh and finally there’s A. He’s a friend from LONG ago who has made contact recently. He’s been quite forward in making compliments lately. Not sure what’s going on there. He lives a long way away though, so I doubt anything will come of it. But it’s still great to practise FMs with him via FB chat.

    So of all of these guys, only one I met online. The rest I’ve met organically, either through friends, or while out socialising with friends.

    When I read up there, I think “Woah!” because only in November I was hung up on TH, and miserable!

    Now I feel amazing, and I have all of this energy focused on me right now from these men who are all really great guys (what the h3ll did I see in TH???).

    Some may never be relationship material, but they’re great practise, they treat me really well, they’re affectionate (just what I need!), and I feel happy and carefree in their presence.

    In some ways I hope that none of these guys steps up and I can continue to CD them all indefinitely, and not worry about hurting any of them, but another part of me wants one to step up and “claim” me as his, so I don’t have to juggle my time. That would be much simpler!

    M is probably the one with the most potential but we will see what he does now that he’s back in town. ๐Ÿ™‚

  314.  #314IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 5:44 am

    This is Iamabutterfly, but I have a new name. ๐Ÿ™‚

  315.  #315Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Butterfly Wings – I would ask myself why would I want to keep a player in my rotation. What is there to learn about myself there?

    The same goes for a man who says he does not want a relationship. These would not have any priority in my dating life because I want to be treated as special. Whatever lessons they have to teach I would rather learn it from the higher quality men who really want me in their lives. Also if I were going to be concerned about anyone’s emotions I certainly wouldn’t be concerned about a player who is likely sleeping with numerous women nor a man who wants FWB. He might be champ at drawing out things and using the carrot to bait and switch.

  316.  #316Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 6:03 am

    BW – if G had a thing for me for years I would wonder why he didn’t take action when I was single and available. Though maybe his life circumstances might not have allowed (I understand that). My other concern would that I would not want to be the rebound girl to distract him from dealing with the heartbreak of the recent breakup.

  317.  #317Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Libelula – Hi. I’ve been. It feels like you were writing my story there, just that he told me that he does not believe that marriage is necessary. Circular dating is key I know but I always tended to reconnect by either reaching out myself or when he reached out, to no avail. I just forgave myself each time and kept leaning back. Each time I kept the no contact time longer until I got to a place where I could totally talk myself of contacting when I got the urge to do so.

  318.  #318Libelula on March 4, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Thank you Rori & Femininewoman – I’m about to head to work, but it’s good to have some feedback & encouragement. The longest we’ve gone is somewhere between 8 months & a year (I can’t keep track), but for now, it’s day by day on my side.

  319.  #319Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Here are three common ways men say “I love you” without using any words:

    #1 – Cuddling, hugging, and tickling.
    Basically, he’s touching you in an affectionate way… WITHOUT wanting sex.

    That’s something only a man who TRULY loves you would do!

    #2 – Works hard to provide for you. Is he working overtime – or even working two jobs – just so he can take you out to a nice dinner every weekend? If he does, then congratulations – you can be pretty sure he loves you, girl!

    #3 – He’s not selfish in bed. If, during sex, he doesn’t only care about his own pleasure, but makes sure YOU’RE having a good time too, that’s a sign of true love!

    If he shows these and other non-verbal displays of affection, then you shouldn’t worry – he loves you… and probably more than you think. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Alexandra Fox

  320.  #320IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I feel confused. I told him “Thank you for doing this. and thank you for being one of the best listeners I know” in front of everyone.

    His posture completely changed. He swelled and he looked huge. (I’m not talking dirty here, lest anyone think I am) He is not that big of a guy…

    and then…? He said, “what else? can I hear some more?”

    I felt really weird and didn’t know what else to say, as I didn’t have anything else that I honestly wanted to say in that moment.

    so, I said, “well, I want you to stay humble, so that’s all…for now, at least…”

    I could tell it made him feel really, really good, but something about it made me feel…I’m not sure how it made me feel but I don’t think I would use the word “good.”

    I think it made me feel obligated? and unappreciated for my genuine compliment or something?

    It feels extremely difficult to show him respect a lot of the time.

    I see so many good qualities in him, but I also qualities that make me feel scared, unsure, and angry.

    I’m really trying to work on showing respect to men in general, even if it isn’t necessarily “earned.”

    after all, I want to be loved, even if I’m being unloveable.

    I feel so confused about all of this stuff…

    I really struggle with anger towards men.

    I feel so angry when guys with girlfriends pursue me, and it seems to happen all the time. so, instead of feeling happy and receptive, I feel angry, scared, and suspicious.

    I wonder if it’s because I feel so terrified of commitment and so I attract guys who are also terrified of commitment, and they use me as a “possible way out if they need/want it.”

    but they can’t do that unless I let them can they?
    so how do I stop it?

    I don’t know what the right thing to do is when it comes to these men.

    I cut off ties with SMC, and when/if I run into him now, I almost feel like he respects me more.

    I know I am a high quality woman, with a high degree of difficulty, most of the time.

    The ones without girlfriends seem scared of approaching me, yes, even when my feminine self is doing everything “right.”

    Smiling, leaning back, open, warm, receptive, etc.

    I feel sad and frustrated and confused… ๐Ÿ™

  321.  #321ArabianLove on March 4, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I feel so confused today…
    I cant reach out if i do everything i have said would be reduced to nothing and he would remain the same ! Coming for sex and further disrepecting me … Which has been happening only very recently this month … The main reason why i am here trying to find a way to be my genuine self … But leaning back is soooo hard ! Thoughi do see him coming towards me when i do lean back … I need a speech to say to him when he contacts again … And he will !

  322.  #322IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 9:06 am

    No, I don’t feel terrified of commitment anymore. That’s in my past.

    I definitely used to be.

    but no more!

  323.  #323IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 9:13 am

    There is one guy. I feel completely comfortable, safe, and protected when I am with him. I have known him for a very long time. He is 8 years younger than me.

    and yes, he has a girlfriend.

    but it’s weird. When we’re out together somewhere (not one on one of course), he always talks to me more, sits closer to me, IS closer to me.

    His gf used to get extremely jealous and angry, but now she doesn’t anymore and I don’t know why.


  324.  #324Memulo on March 4, 2013 at 9:29 am

    My comment didn’t go thru. I was saying that I didn’t take my CD’s call last night and texted today that I was out and missed it, and welcomed him back. He replied ‘thanks’. Something is off, he is losing feelings for me.

  325.  #325Emerson on March 4, 2013 at 9:48 am

    324 memulo perhaps don’t read into it that he is losing feelings for you ….. How do you know that’s true ? You don’t. Focus on other things and see how it plays out….I do understand how you feel though because I was thinking the same thing about exoticCD …. And I was wrong. ๐Ÿ™‚

  326.  #326Emerson on March 4, 2013 at 9:49 am

    323 this feels very “off” to me. If I was his girlfriend I’d be jealous too.

  327.  #327Emerson on March 4, 2013 at 9:51 am

    I am not judging you but it sounds like you enjoy this attention…. Which is natural… But put yourself in the girlfriends shoes…

  328.  #328Emerson on March 4, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Arabian love
    Yes leaning back is hard but I found its easier when you have other men to cd and spend time with…

  329.  #329IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 10:09 am

    @326 Emerson – I always do that. I always lean back with guys who have gfs. The thing is, with guys like SMC and this guy, both of their girlfriends seem to be pursuing the guys. and you can tell the guys care about the lean-forwardy girls, but it’s like they always gravitate towards the girl who is leaning back (me.)

    I always feel like I have to watch girls throw themselves at guys, watch the guys enjoy it, agree to relationships, and then watch the guys come over towards me after that. Does that make sense?

  330.  #330IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 10:16 am

    also, guys always seem to get more courage around me once they have gfs. It feels so infuriating.

  331.  #331MovingMagic on March 4, 2013 at 10:18 am

    I love cd’ing men & myself. It feels pretty amazing. The only challenge I have is in balancing cd’ing & my many teaching gigs, & my own personal dance/yoga/art projects…not to mention staying connected with my community. It’s such a blessing to be at this place in my life.

  332.  #332IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 10:24 am

    the thing is too is that I’m not DOING anything!

    I don’t feel like I should feel guilty for guys wanting to get close to me.

    It does make me feel angry though, because I always put myself in the girlfriend’s shoes and I would hate it!!!!

  333.  #333IamHis on March 4, 2013 at 10:27 am

    and I wonder, if you were MY boyfriend, would you want to get close to other women?

    Boyfriend TRAP!!!!

  334.  #334Memulo on March 4, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Maybe he is letting go of an expectation that he can control me

  335.  #335Heart on March 4, 2013 at 11:32 am

    oh my god…I just had an Angry little pace session …walking around huffy …planning my revenge…feeling so pissed..

    Btw 4 days ago…I sent CudG a facebook message….saying I couldn’t attend this event he had invited me to (before he stopped asking me out) because most likely I would be leaving this month. He read it 10 mins later because I saw the Seen time….but it’s been 4 days and he hasn’t responded. I know he was really busy this weekend (he told me about some work thingy he had to do a while back) but still…I feel like Wow…this guy Really Didn’t Care about me at all…

    I’m sorry I ever started seeing this Guy….this whole thing is just so unsatisfying…Gross why did I ever give him a chance? ….only to transfer the hung-up-ness to him.
    I want to return to that Me in summer who didn’t care …
    I feel such a regret & anger & guilt.

    I Can’t Wait to Move on From this…
    He is not worth it…
    I feel So Angry…
    I feel Such Rage.

  336.  #336Heart on March 4, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Elsie & Tereana – I feel a little comforted by your misery…I know it’s mea…but I feel acknowledged and validated by your shared emotions…thank you for sharing…and Tereana….it made me feel a little sad to read you describing yourself as broken….I got an ouch feeling in my chest..and then guilty because I was the one who brought it up…and strangely I feel a little proud of my Ouch & guilty feelings…I feel like a good, compassionate person for feeling Ouch and guilty…

    Now I have an ashamed feeling for feeling proud about my ouch-guilt…but I so feel excited for having caught these things…and a wow kind of feeling is registering as well…
    Omg I am such an Ocean!

    Hi Radlove, Hope all is well with you.

  337.  #337Memulo on March 4, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    I think his main decision point is around my statement that I don’t buy men dinner. It had such a deep impact on him in the street scene, he couldn’t catch his breath

  338.  #338Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    So here are 3 mistakes women make when they feel a man’s exit sign blinking.

    1) Overwhelm him with text/emails to solicit communication.
    2) Obsess what they might have done wrong, which creates stress.
    3) Thinking it’s over before it is.

    There’s a bio chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.

    So here are 3 things to remember when you feel him ready to bolt.

    1) Almost all men pull away at some point.
    2) This is the time to grab your own hand and hold your own heart, not his.
    3) Don’t freak out, it happens in all stages of the relationship (often before going deeper to love).

    So Jonathon, are you saying just relax and all will be fine?

    Friends, there no guarantees and no blanket answer unless you go deeper.

    Whenever you see his exit sign blinking, it’s easy for me to tell you to relax, all is well.

    But I know you’re gonna tell me, it’s much harder to do.

    All I can say is this… pressure to a man is WEIGHT.

    The more WEIGHT he carries, the more he wants to unload it.

    WEIGHT is what pushes us away, not bring us closer

    Johnathan Aslay

  339.  #339April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 1:00 pm


    Is that you, Iamabutterfly?

    Why IamHis? Whose? I feel puzzled, and concerned

  340.  #340April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 1:02 pm


    I understand and celebrate your rage.

    I have my own version: why can’t I MAKE HIM be like he was when he was lovely and interested and all over me?
    I feel rage and hatred and powerless AAAGGGGGHHHHHH……

  341.  #341April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Been reading Adam Gilad’s mailouts, and his message this week is – a guy wants to be with you and make a commitment to you when he feels that his life is better with you in it.

    My interpretation of the ‘he wants to be your hero’ is cynical in the light of my experience with WM.
    Nothing short of gushing daily, being in a state of constant admiration of him, with ZERO criticism, will do.

    I’m sorry, this man is not a god.

    And so it seems I do not worship him enough, and therefore his life is not made better by me, and so he is justified in treating me like a piece of furniture.

    I feel so tired.

  342.  #342Memulo on March 4, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Yes FW, except he was complaining that he didn’t see enough interest from me.

    I am not going to initiate though.

  343.  #343Rebecca on March 4, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Butterfly Wings – 312

    “Every failure is another step towards successโ€ฆ thatโ€™s how I look at the dating game.

    And most relationships ARE destined to fail. How could EVERY man we meet be right for us? Itโ€™s just not possible?

    We are unique, as is every man. So itโ€™s a numbers game, to weed out those who arenโ€™t a match until we find the one who is. Or there could be a few!”

    I think it’s the actual word “fail” that I have an issue with. Is it really failure if it’s all part of the journey.

  344.  #344Dominique on March 4, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Rebecca – 343 – I’m with you on this one. I choose not to look at anything as a failure but as a learning and growing experience, the good feeling experiences as well as the bad feeling ones.

    It’s a win whether it works out well or not.


  345.  #345April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    I’m a mess.

    My hair is disgusting, I have flu, I feel angry, I have no money, I feel so lonely, I feel desperate, on the brink of despair, going a bit mad, losing my mind. I need to clean the house. Maybe that’s where I’ll start – with the shower.
    Yuk, my life feels ridiculous.

  346.  #346April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Ladies, please forgive me.
    Can I scream here, please?


  347.  #347Dominique on March 4, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Lots of love to you April Rose. <3


  348.  #348Femininewoman on March 4, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    (((((((((((April Rose))))))))))))))

  349.  #349CurvySiren10 on March 4, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Aww April Rose… sending you lots of warm hugs.

    New thread up ..

  350.  #350k2012 on March 4, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Oh new thread is up. Ok. Let me move over. Hey April Rose, hugs to u my dear.

  351.  #351April Rose on March 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Thank you k2012
    And thank you CurvySiren, Dominique, Femininewoman

    Gotta love myself more, I guess…

  352.  #352Emerson on March 4, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    332 lamabutterfly I hear you sweetie
    It’s very interesting…
    I feel confident your sireny attraction can work on any man….

  353.  #353Daria on March 4, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    His article is what I’m practicing now

    Not judging him

  354.  #354Kath on March 5, 2013 at 1:56 am

    Well, he cooked me a lovely dinner last night and I had hoped that we could have the talk he’d mentioned in the morning but we just did small talk through the meal. Then afterwards he said “So, what is it that’s been bothering you then”. It wasn’t said in a very caring way and I sighed and said that I had told him the night before how I felt and I thought that he might have something to say about that. Oh he did, and we talked (and I cried!) for half an hour with basically him saying that he couldn’t cope with the arguments we’d had, that arguing and name calling really affects him and he feels totally destroyed afterwards. He said that he had lost all confidence in our relationship and in us having a future. I asked him if he loved me, and he said yes. I explained that I felt he had been distant and off hand with me and hadn’t taken my feelings into account and had not understood or respected my point of view. I said that I thought I had been very loving towards him and understanding of the difficulties he’d had with his wife but for a while I had not felt special to him and he had behaved in a very uncaring manner and had not communicated with me how he felt. I felt that he wanted to end the relationship and I said that if he did I would respect that. If he felt he could not see past the arguments that we have had (there have been 5 in two years) and the fact that now I understood more our future would be different and I would be more mindful of his feelings, then I would leave. I left the room and we didn’t talk for the rest of the evening. When he woke up this morning he kissed me on the shoulder and I turned over and held him close and couldn’t help shedding tears. I didn’t say anything, he didn’t say anything, just put his arm round me and then he kissed my forehead and said he’d better get up. He’s working away until tomorrow night and I feel really let down and unhappy and I suppose I have some thinking to do too.

  355.  #355Olivia on March 5, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    My man is undergoing difficulties at work. He qualified for a job he ended up loathing, stuck it out for as long as he could handle it, and then quit. Now, he’s studying, but that isn’t paying, and meanwhile applying for any other paying job there is out there. He’s overqualified, and has been rejected so many times this past year. Right now, his morale is rock-bottom.
    We are not married. We have lived together for 4 years, and we would like to make our relationship official and have children, obviously. Unfortunately, life has scattered hardships in our path.

    I just wanted to say that sometimes being firm on the inside and soft on the outside has nothing to do with us women, or being the centre of attention. I love this blog, and I do believe that Rori has some amazing advice to empower women, but putting oneself first shouldn’t always be about getting immediate results, especially if your man is going through a rough patch. I think some women can be very insensitive as to when to express their feelings, over regarding the fact that perhaps our men are overwhelmed by other things in their lives.
    What we think of our men is SO influential for them. Last night, my man, sick of sending off job applications for jobs he is ten years over qualified to do, and receiving nothing but refusals, told me that if it wasn’t for my continual encouragement and constant optimism, he didn’t know where he’d be.
    I won’t lie. I do get frustrated at times. I want the marriage, the kid, the house NOW. He wants to deal with the material issues first. For a long time, I thought that meant that he wasn’t putting me first. After having talked this all through on numerous occasions with him, and after paying close attention to his actions towards me, I see that wow, my man is a fighter, and is doing his utmost best to ensure that we have a happy and secure future together. Yep, it’s a risky path. Perhaps I’ll end up unmarried, and I’ll regret sticking around. I could circular date, I suppose, and meet other men, to keep him on his toes, and to make sure I’m not wasting my time hanging around, but I choose to trust that my man has my best interest at heart, and it feels good.

  356.  #356Rori Raye on March 6, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Olivia – I’m with you a thousand percent. It always comes down to: Is this want I want, are we on the same page, how long can I live this way and stay happy? Everything to do with YOU. You are stating that this is a temporary situation, and life is full of these. The way I’D look at this is: Can I make enough money to support myself and a child (and possibly him, also) if that should make the most sense as my man shifts careers and finds his way economically? Can he handle my making the money in the household? If that’s a yes, and you’re okay with it, then you’re on the same page no matter WHAT! Love, Rori

  357.  #357Tereana on March 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Heart 336 – I know this thread is old, but thank you! Don’t feel bad about your ouch & guilty feelings. I see that as empathy and compassion. It doesn’t register to me as anything else. And it says nothing bad about you – only good things. It also feels strangely validating to me, in a way. Not because I want you to feel bad. But because it makes me feel like, “Okay, my feelings are real.” And it makes me feel heard.

    So thank you

  358.  #358Kathy on March 18, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Hi Rorie,

    I have not been on here for a while because I have been using your tools and feeling things out with a few different men but I have just realized a pattern that I have with men once I start to form feelings. I get very insecure and lash out at them or pick them apart and tell myself that they are not trust worthy yet and just question every little thing they do. I start to go over things from the last month or so and start to look for red flags early on. I feel bad because then I go to my friends and complain about him and tell them all these things I’m thinking and then they judge him. Now that I have learned to use feeling messages I do go talk to him and once he listens and tells me his side I then realize very quickly that I over reacted and feel like a fool.

    The example I will give you is from over the weekend. The guy I am talking to and started to have feelings for. We usually see each other every Saturday when he comes home for the weekend from work. During the week he told me he missed me and wanted to make sure we were going to see each other. We both had things going on but we both said we would make time for each other. Well come Saturday he told me he didn’t think he was going to have time for me because of all the festivities going on in the city (Chicago where I live) and had to many different friends to meet up with. I got hurt when he said this because in the past I have been ditched by my ex boyfriends before to go out drinking with their friends and just leave me at home. So Instead of just waiting it out and telling him how I felt I then went to my best friends and bad mouthed him. I said I was going to never talk to him again and called him all these nasty names. Well low and behold that Saturday night he texted me and we meet up. I told him how he hurt my feelings and how I felt like he would rather spend time with a bunch of random people then spend time with me. He said he felt bad because that was not his intention at all but sees how I could feel this way. The next morning he invited me to go out to brunch with some of the people he was out with to show me that there was nothing to worry about and that I was the only one he was talking to. So of course I forgive him and now my friends are left thinking what are you doing?!

    I would like to say that I am very thankful for your programs because of them I have been able to pick out this pattern and realize this is an insecurity issue now and I want to figure out how do I move past this?

  359.  #359sandy on March 31, 2013 at 12:10 am

    I met the love of my life in May 1963 and have never cheated on him…but he has on me. In the summer of 2009 he started having an affair with a friend of ours that is married…I learned of this affair in Oct. 2009. I pleaded with both of them to stop as it was causing HUGE problems in our marriage. I got his cell report and they would talk to one another 13-33 times a day for 10-78 min. per call even after midnight. I asked him WHAT DOES MY HUSBAND SAY TO ANOTHER MAN’S WIFE AFTER MIDNIGHT. He said she couldn’t sleep. I told him to tell her to get a book, watch tv, or wake her own husband up and LEAVE MINE THE HELL ALONE.
    Since he would not give her up, I regretfully divorced him April 2012 due to adultery. He now wants to come back into my life and I would love nothing more. I talked to God and told him THANK YOU for bringing my husband back…it was as though God was warning me not to take him back…I put a recorder in his vehicle as he was going to get a paper that morning. When he returned, I listened to the tape and sure enough he called her on his 2ND CELL PHONE HE HAS FOR THE TWO OF THEM. He swears he doesn’t have a 2nd cell, but I heard MY call ring on the recorder as he was talking to her…I told him if there was only ONE cell, it would have beeped and all he had to do was hit the accept button to take my call. He says he isn’t seeing her….but I put a recorder in his house and heard everything including the sex acts as tears streamed down my face…he is with me tonight, but I couldn’t sleep due to bad dreams…my dreams have meanings and these were not good.
    I would take him back forever if I thought she was out of his life…but I know she isn’t due to the tapes…I did the tapes for ME not to take him back but I remember all the good times we had…never any huge arguments like we have had since 2009…we had a great marriage and I was so happy and thought he was too. She is our age (66) so youth had nothing to do with it…she is very slow, still married even though her husband got a copy of OUR divorce papers with HIS WIFE’S NAME IN IT THREE TIMES. He is in his 70’s…she said she couldn’t leave him due to the 50 cats they have and her husband wouldn’t take care of them.
    Today is Easter Sunday and he plans to go to the hospital to see a friend…but I feel sure somewhere during the day, HE WILL SEE HER AND SWAP ALL THE I LOVE YOU’S AND SEX.
    SHOULD I FORGET THE PAST 50 YEARS AND TAKE HIM BACK? or should I learn to live without him…not sure I EVER want another man to touch me or my heart again.

  360.  #360Rori Raye on March 31, 2013 at 10:54 am

    sandy – This is such a heartwrenching situation, and – all I want to ask you is – in all this time, have you seriously been dating other men and looking to make a new relationship and a new life?

    I know the answer – because if you’d seriously done that, you’d be so much closer already to having a great new man by now. As I see it, now you have 2 options, and some work ahead of you:

    1. Circular Date, get online, seriously pursue a new life, new interests and new opportunities to meet men who think YOU’RE the greatest thing since sliced bread. OR

    2. Accept the polyamorous situation you’re in, stop browbeating him, join the crowd as a 3-some (perhaps 4-some), and have a different kind of life – a polyamorous one.

    What you can’t have is him all to yourself just by begging him. He wants her more than he wants you, he’s demonstrated this over and over, and yet he loves you, also. If you can live with that – then truly LIVE with it! There are lots of books on this.

    And if you CAN’T live with this (most of us wouldn’t want to be 2nd best in this situation, but might be able to handle another woman who was accepting 2nd best to US..) then get away from him permanently, change your hair, your manner, your clothes, your colors, and get out there and DATE!!!!

    I’m sure you’ve thought of besting her sexually – of learning new tricks and loosing yourself up and getting wild and changing all of your attitudes so that he’d feel more comfortable and yet more thrilled with YOU than with her – and that’s a fine idea while you’re working this out for yourself. I highly suggest that as an alternative to chasing him and investigating him. You’ll learn nothing new if you keep doing that…

    Love, Rori

  361.  #361Keta on April 1, 2013 at 8:24 am

    My boyfriend ended our relationship at work over dinner saying that I am verbally aggressive and escalating to violence. He needs time to evaluate our relationship to see if he wants to continue in this relationship. He still calls me and comes over unannounced. How do I stop this behavior and get him to stop playing games and commit?

  362.  #362Rori Raye on April 1, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Keta – Welcome – and – is what he says about your verbal aggression and violent tendencies true? If you have even a smidge of that going on – this has nothing to do with him. It’s all about you pushing him away. Love, Rori