What Does Circular Dating Do For You?

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Here’s a comment-question from TW, and to show you how fast and amazingly you can catch on to all this and change your life, see how brilliantly here Alias Girl, Daria and JP answered! (You can see all the comments here->)

The question – from TW: “What exactly is circular dating and what purpose does it serve in trying to build a relationship with someone? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one pursuing me and then I saw him out with other females, I would kinda be offended and start dating other people myself because I would feel that he does not care.

Maybe I just do not understand what it is all about and what it is designed to do exactly. Would someone help me get a better understanding? I saw where Rori advised me to do it. I do not feel that anyone is wrong in suggesting it but I am simply saying that I do not understand it and need a little explanation. Please help!!”

Daria replied:

“TW, it does sound a little confusing put that way… I think one of the principles is that men and women are not alike in this respect and that having to win a woman over is what makes a man happy, while a woman should have many to choose from, that is why we are supposed to be the receivers and let him be the giver, instead of a 50/50.

The main point of circular dating, however, is that it is for YOU. It helps you focus on you, raises your self esteem, and even if you feel this is already high, it raises your flirtiness and vibe around men, because you feel easily adored and you feel like you deserve more and more, making it easier for them to go with this vibe and give you more.

The other personal use for it is as therapy. There are many parts of relating to men that we have issues with. We can deal with this safely in circular dating by practicing the tools, so that if we are later in a relationship we won’t freak out and lose the relationship because of our issues.

It sounds weird, and it’s not. I’m doing it and the men are pouring in. It’s mostly a way to get married too… I tell men I don’t want to be a girlfriend I want to be married and am not looking to be a girlfriend unless the relationship is moving that way. Then they start to think of marriage too and like me even more…”

Then JP said:

“Hi TW – I totally agree with Daria. I also know it is uncomfortable to contemplate when you are still attached to a man.

I’d just like to add that there is a route to circular dating which will build your confidence. The underlying point. as Daria says, is to make YOU feel good and have OPTIONS. So you could start by simply NOTICING men around – in the street, at work, in the supermarket etc. Make eye contact, smile, and notice them noticing YOU.

Use the tools on yourself too – the Paint Yourself tool is just great, and there are others such as Out The Window which are all about YOU. You have to TRAIN yourself AWAY from thinking about HIM when he’s not around. It gets easier with practice! Walk yourself THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings that come up if you’re not chasing him down. I know how tempting it is to text or call if he hasn’t, but he has made it clear he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, so you are entitled to see yourself as single.

Next – date YOURSELF. Sounds like you’re already getting out, so maybe try something different on your own. It’s easier for a man to approach you if you’re in a bookshop or an exhibition on your own, and there are other people around so you’ll be safe. You might even have men friends you could meet, even if you don’t see them as prospective husbands you can still have a nice time and feel attractive.

You will feel different, you’ll start enjoying yourself and you’ll be more relaxed when he calls.

I have men friends I have coffee with, or talk to on the phone. I’ve grown fond of them over time and don’t want to lose their friendship even though I’m in a relationship now. I still keep my head up and enjoy flirting.

I hope this helps! JP”

And you can see how it works for Alias Girl here, too – (and, Alias Girl – with your permission I’m going to use your comment in my new Circular Dating program – it was very personal and very powerful, thank you.)

Let me know how Circular Dating is working for you, and if you’re just finding this blog now, you’ll get so much help here – from me and and what is truly a community of ministering angels – and we’re all working the Rori Raye Tools straight to our dreams.

Love, Rori

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73 Comments

  1.  #1Erika on November 15, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    One of the instructors over at Real Social Dynamics put it brilliantly: “In order to get the one special girl, you need to be able to get all of them.”

    From where I sit (which is having learned all this from both sides of the gender fence), it actually looks like it works very similarly on both sides of the fence.



  2.  #2Reshi on November 15, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    Dating myself is great. It feels good to have an online stable of pretty men who tell me that I’m gorgeous…and I get to decide which ones are good enough to reply to. It felt good to have a lunch date yesterday, and be taken out and treated well and feel energy coming TOWARD me from a man. And it felt good to be asked out again for next week.

    I also feel guilty about all this, though. Guilty about receiving from one man when another one has claimed me–even if he’s trying to unclaim me. Guilty about receiving at all! In my family we’re excellent at feeling guilty about receiving. And I’m too lazy to Riff on the guilt…I’ll do it though.



  3.  #3Daria on November 16, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    What to do… this one guy I am dating wants all of my attention… he calls me all the time, does nice things for me… I don’t know what to do… it feels nice to talk to him but I feel a little overwhelmed, we’ve only had 4 dates… I feel worried that he’s trying to get something from me (probably sex)… I feel guilty when he’s disappointed that he can’t see me and I feel mad… he has asked me to be his gf and I gave him the no gf speech… he still wants me and says so and wants me to be his woman… what do I do… I’m guessing I’m going to wind up being mean to him or brushing him off and eventually he’ll stop pursuing me… I don’t feel comfortable with this part of the dating process where the guys are trying to get so close they want all my attention…



  4.  #4Maria on November 16, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    l have been reading your blog many times and getting your newsletters and lm being more and more aware and enlighted of how l reflect to life and men now (l havent had much happy experiences with men, lm 33). l just got your next e-letter about Donna which touched me and ld like to ask 2 questions:
    -You said, man actually KNOWS deep inside he has to commit to woman to close down all other options. Which is totally true and l second that 100%. So what makes a man get deeply into relationship to a woman, knowing that he would never truly commit anyway?
    -What if my hate from my past by being exactly on those situations many times, has grown so big that l hardly imagine myself circular dating or letting anyone in. To me men are enemies who want jus to take advantage and hurt me. And l dont know if it ever can be different.
    l know it is very bad place to be, where l am. lm taking slow babysteps, but somehow hating keeps coming back.
    Do l have any hope?

    Maria



  5.  #5Rori Raye on November 17, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Maria, you have all the hope in the world. And you are at just the beginning of all this. Please start with my ebook – the eletters are pieces of the puzzle and new Tools – but the ebook is the FOUNDATION for all of it, so you can understand what we’re doing here.

    Getting in touch with your feelings and practicing my Tools in the real world, with real men – no matter HOW you’re feeling, is the way to go. And you need the step-by-step plan that my book and programs will give you. Learn as much as you can here, do the Power & Self-Esteem Tools here, and talk to us all about your progress. Love, Rori



  6.  #6JP on November 17, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Rori – thank you so much for including my comment in a new post, I feel so honoured! 🙂

    Reshi – I can relate to your post about guilt in the family. In the culture in which I was raised we were taught it was polite to say ‘no’ if offered anything – if we said ‘yes’ then we would be seen as greedy and coarse. So then we were supposed to go through this ritual of being coaxed (or doing the coaxing, if we were the giver). How crazy is that?! I don’t know if you get Father Ted over there, but if you do, watch Mrs Doyle in action and you’ll see exactly what I mean 🙂

    JPxx



  7.  #7JP on November 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    Erika – I’m intrigued! I’d like to know more about the other side of the fence.



  8.  #8Maria on November 20, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Thank you, Rory. l have another 2 additional questions. The first one is short – where can l get your ebook and what would be the next step program after that?

    My next question has pretty deep roots, and lm not sure it is good place to share it here, then again, maybe there are other women out there who feel the same. Since “teenagerhood” when you first start to attract the opposite sex l felt l was somehow different. When l grow older, l noticed that even if l looked nice in some standards, men seemed not to be attracted to me. Someone “defined” it to me – that l just wasnt born with “attracting opposite sex” gene. l have had all the bad experiences with men. So l started thinking it is me, not them. lm just not enough attractive for no man, how hard l search or try. And it is soo panful being me. Without love.Alone.
    Obviously It isnt good place to be either. So my question is again, do l have hope? Cos right now l dont belive l so. And where do l start to really help myself.
    Thank you, Maria.



  9.  #9alias girl on November 20, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    hi maria. i think the first book is called the have the relationship you want. then maybe good would be the heart connection toolkit. those would be what i think. also how i think i started. should be able to find them through this website or havetherelationshipyouwant.com itls always a little hard for me to find where to but stuff too. good luck!!!! YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE and you can tunr it around. it’s just a belief system youlve adapted and now continue to tell yourself itLs the truth. it’s not. and often our deep seated beliefs will get Mirrored for us by the world and people around us. still don’t make it the truth. still just your belief system at work. welcome.



  10.  #10Delaine Moore on November 21, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    One of the things I’ve learned about myself since I got divorced a year ago is that I tend to see my True Self reflected back to me through the eyes of a man. And I don’t think that Self is self-appreciative and self-aware enough yet.

    Consequently, I vow to myself to keep more than one set of eyes on me at all times *grin. And it’s working! My heart is intact, my confidence is growing, and I’m stepping outside the old identity of who I thought Delaine once was. 🙂



  11.  #11gina on January 2, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    There is a subtle aspect of dating that is troubling me, that I’m not sure if I can articulate, but here goes…
    I feel super sensitive to the vibe that I get from a guy. Sometimes, the conversation is perfectly cordial, but the guy gives me the creeps, or I can sense that we just are not on the same wavelength, and I get completely turned off. and I really mean “turned off.” I feel like I have an on/off switch, and I’m very particular to which people or situations will turn me on. Other people have noticed that, too. A former boss said I am like “a ferrari that won’t start.” Now that I’ve written that, I interpret my behavior as passive agressive. I wish I could be more in control, cause I feel bad when I’m turned off, but I can’t quite talk myself into being on. I feel scared to allow myself to shine in these situations, I guess, cause I feel too vulnerable . When I’m not interested, do I continue to be in “receive mode?” and continue to express feelings? How do we keep moving forward when we are turned off?



  12.  #12heartbeat on January 3, 2009 at 12:08 am

    Gina – hmmm think I recognise what you’re saying. Feels like your switch switches in a way you’re not comfortable with, like you feel it’s blocking you.

    Dunno if this helps…. but I remember being stunned when an ex said I made him feel insecure. I felt insanely insecure around him!! I felt angry he said that. Recently, the man I’m in a long-term relation ship with now said he’d see my eyes ‘switch off’ and he felt bad – luckily it was an ‘in-the-moment’ comment so I knew exactly when it happened. Clarity! I’d gone into auto-mode, read him as saying we are off (he wasn’t) and felt insecure, shut down. Triggered.

    This was a breakthrough for me, thanks to those guys’ feedback. My unconscious doesn’t have the same power now, I can hear what’s being said without filling up with wasps of fear and ‘switching off’. I must have been doing this for years. I didn’t realise how I came across to them, shutting them out, becoming guarded, losing my natural flow of feeling.



  13.  #13Keri on June 21, 2009 at 1:58 am

    I’ve been with this man off and on for over 4 years. He is circular dating but I can’t bring myself to do this. He just came back last july steady and now he must have someone else because he doesn’t come around like he did he says he doesn’t then he list a bunch of girls names. When he asks ?’s I answer them but I can’t bring myself to tell him how I feel and my sister says this is what he is waiting for. We did more in the beginning but now he just comes over we don’t go out anymore. We have a 3 yr old daughter. He wanted to know why I didn’t date why do I always wait for him you love me right etc… I told him I have 2 daughters and I am not going to be bringing different men around. Then he made a comment that I couldn’t get anyone and I told him I have no problem with men approaching me but I chose not to I haven’t found the right one. Another one was he wanted to know why I couldn’t say nice things like this other girl. I told him I learned people compliment you when they want something from you if you would like me to sweet talk you and tell you lies to boost your ego sorry this is not my style. I did notice that when I stopped pursuing him because he moved in with this girl, by the way it didn’t stop his behavior, he was calling me wanting to know why I haven’t called. He was back with me until the girl moved out now I see him 3 days a week which is cutting down. xmas time he came out and told me he loved me he wanted to get married it was time for him to settle down he was tired of his life style and have a family he wants a boy. I was dumbfounded and didn’t really reply to him just let him talk like I usually do. He always told me I was different from the other girls. I do see that he is more open than before but yet he still has the wall. I tell him all the time he got burned by a girl in the past. He said that all his x girlfriends ended up with his friends. I was like what kind of people do you hang out with? This past year I’ve met many more people and his friends try and hit on you. I told him he needed new friends because the ones he has aren’t. He says they just wanted to see what I would do. He went around last year telling people we were getting married and his brother called me and it was news to me. He has always talked about it wanted to know what I wanted and etc. I just told him don’t ask me anymore ?’s until you are serious and produce a ring. I think he is a player. help



  14.  #14Rori Raye on June 23, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Welcome Keri. A man is not allowed to Circular Date past the time when it feels okay and good to you and still stay in your rotation. There’s no point. You have to see this man because of your child. That’s all. Stay strong. Love, Rori



  15.  #15dreamme on September 6, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Hi, where can I learn more about the specifics of circular dating? It’s not in the ebook, which I have.



  16.  #16Rori Raye on September 6, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    Welcome, dreamme…and there’s some on it here, in the Targeting Mr. Right category – that’s the program that trains you on how exactly to do it…Love, Rori



  17.  #17Michelle on October 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    I have been “kinda seeing” someone for a little over month now. It started out casual because we had known each other for a few months before hanging out just the two of us. We see each other maybe once or twice a week and he has initiated all of our “dates” except for the first time we hung out. He has a career that keeps him busy and on a different shift that me and has been out of town all but one weekend since we started seeing each other. This weekend I didnt hear from him any while he was gone so I called him last night and left a message and got a text later last night telling me he got back but nothing since then. I dont really know whats going on or if I should assume that things arent what I thought they were. It sounds super needy im sure, but I dont like going 4 days without so much as a “hi, I was thinking about you, hope your doing well,” and he normally does that even when hes out of town. I texted him back asking how the trip was and he responded but thats really it. I’ve been hanging out with friends and keeping myself busy. I want to try circular dating but I worry that he will think badly of me if he finds out im seeing other people and just stop talking to me. I have a hard time not wanting to text or call him when I havent heard from him because I feel like if I dont do it then more and more time will just pass. (Although he has been the one to ask to see me). Any advice or helpful hints would be great! I just finished watching The Modern Siren and I’m starting Commitment Blueprint tonight. Thanks in advance!!



  18.  #18Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Michelle, Welcome…and so glad you have the programs…”kinda seeing” is a recipe for an Imaginary Relationship and personal pain. PLEASE….he is only dating you. You are only dating him. Exclusivity is totally not appropriate here. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he doesn’t want to…and that’s what you should pay attention to. The moment you start “chasing” – you lose. This is all about attraction, observation, practicing my Tools 24/7, strong on the inside, soft on the outside…and letting HIM do what he does. Letting it all shake out without you investing too soon. Love, Rori



  19.  #19Deirdre on October 20, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    I just got home from a date with the guy I really like. I’ve been circular dating for about 2 months now & I’ve been dating the guy I really like for about a month. I’m not having sex with anyone, just dating with abstinence. With the guy I like I’ve been kissing and some making out too.

    Tonight he brought up being exclusive, I told him I was dating other people and he was surprised, because he said he felt like we were exclusive.. or that HE felt exclusive. He isn’t dating or intimate with anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to date anyone else since he met me.

    It’s hard to write this b/c it wasn’t like a linear conversation.. As we were saying goodbye at my car he hugged me and said “I love you.. even though you’re ‘dating'”. ( He said ‘I love you’ to me on out last date too). He thinks none of this dating stuff really matters because we’re right for each other. But he is OK with me dating for now because I’ll get the chance to see how great he is by contrast.

    He said that if in 3 weeks I’m still dating he will – out of pride – also start dating. Or that if my dating escalates to romantic involvement with another guy he will have to start dating too. His dating means sex. He wasn’t being threatening, he said he was half-crushed when I said I was dating, and I felt like his thinking was right.. why should he stand by and wait while I could be potentially getting romantically involved with another guy while he is only seeing me?

    I feel like he is right to feel like that and I feel like I’m going against the natural path I’m supposed to be on with him.. because I’m not interested in another guy.. I’m just going out with them to circular date.

    But recently (in the past 5 years) I’ve gone down the road of exclusivity with different guys & it wasn’t that great being a ‘girlfriend’. I was getting ready to leave and the subject of being a girlfriend came up so we started talking about it again, he seems so interested and not at all bored by this subject. I feel like I found the best guy in the world. I told him that I wasn’t sure I want to be a girlfriend, and he said you’re not sure you want to be MY girlfriend, and I said no that’s not it. I don’t really want to feel trapped in a commitment that’s not a real commitment. I felt silly because all I really wanted to do was say yes I’ll be your girlfriend.

    I don’t know how to proceed.. I feel threatened by my own commitment to circular date.. like I could lose this guy who feels so right for me. I wanted to backpedal and say wait.. I won’t date anymore, it can be just you & me like you want, but I kept remembering how much sense circular dating makes to me – had I been able to remember why in these moments with him I would have been more clear. That boundary of not wanting to feel trapped was feeling nonexistent. The boundary of not trusting was nonexistent. It feels real with him and I really really really don’t want to mess it up or hurt him.

    It feels weird to say and do things that feel counter-intuitive.. how do I know it’s the right thing if it’s only my logical mind and not my heart that’s telling me circular dating is the way to take care of myself? At some point he said “so not being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

    Erg, I can’t buy any of the programs right now, so I’m doing all this based on what I’ve learned reading this blog, newsletters and the ebook. I feel like asking – am I doing it right?



  20.  #20Deirdre on October 20, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    I didn’t have a speech prepared.. it was kind of messy.. the way I was saying it. I guess I got my points across, but I feel unsure. OK. Here’s what I should have been prepared with… ??:

    I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel interested and easy and light and I feel open. I don’t want to be a girlfriend because that level of commitment doesn’t feel like enough for me to close myself to other possibilities. .. ??



  21.  #21Deirdre on October 20, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    I didn’t have a speech prepared.. it was kind of messy.. the way I was saying it. I guess I got my points across, but I feel unsure. OK. Here’s what I should have been prepared with… ??:

    I feel happy when we spend time together. I feel interested and easy and light and I feel open. I don’t want to be a girlfriend because that level of commitment doesn’t feel like enough for me to close myself to other possibilities. .. ??

    Oh.. I just read Rori’s post “Why Aren’t You Circular Dating”.. and yes.. I still believe.. and want that program.. *sigh*



  22.  #22Michelle on October 21, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Thanks so much Rori! I still haven’t heard anything from him and it feels horrible. I am fighting myself constantly to keep from sending him a text or a message on Facebook. I have a quetion on how to handle something in regards to this situation. When we hang out, a lot of the time we’ve been watching a DVD television series that I had borrowed from a friend of mine. Because we always watch it at his house I leave it there but at some point (there isn’t a huge rush, but I can’t just leave it with him forever) I need to give it back to my friend but we haven’t finished watching it. What should I do? How do I talk to him about it and if and when we do ever make contact again, do I share with him how I’m feeling even though its only been a month? Thanks again, I am using all of your tools and the feelings and emotions are really amping up.



  23.  #23Michelle on October 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    UPDATE: He texted me this afternoon. I’m not really sure how I feel about it though. We sent a few back and forth, basically bantering with each other some. It feels yucky not knowing what his intentions are or if I will see him again soon. I am working on the circular dating though! I went out with a guy im friends with last night and tonight I have a coffee date. Heres another question though. Do we tell the guys about our dates with other guys? And if so, how?



  24.  #24Rori Raye on October 22, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Deirdre, Welcome – and here’s your answer:
    At some point he said “so no being a girlfriend, I guess that means we go from dating to being engaged, or being a fiance.. ?” I said hmmm.. maybe… ?

    That’s exactly it. You have to talk to HIM in HIS language about HIS timeline. Ask him what a girlfriend is to him, and how that works on the road to being engaged, and how you can keep from putting pressure on the relationship if you’re exclusive and you’re looking to be married, not to just being a girlfriend. Talk. Tell the truth. Love, Rori



  25.  #25MCA on April 23, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Please elaborate the statement “a man isn’t allowed to circular date past the time it feels okay with you”.
    Please elaborate about the statement above and why he should be taken out of your rotation if his circular dating isn’t okay with you.



  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 24, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Welcome MCA – Here’s the deal – a man should be zeroed in on you from the first and woo you. He should work to get you away from the other men you’re dating. That’s not always going to happen. It may take him awhile to get to that point. You decide how long you want to give a man – any man – to decide on you…and when it doesn’t feel good that there are other women in the picture – drop him. Simple. Make up your own rules based on what feels good. Love, Rori



  27.  #27Angel Baby on May 18, 2010 at 9:16 am

    I’ve been doing circular dating – and the men are definitely pouring in! I feel fun and flirty, and the men are drawn to me like a magnet. Problem is, they ALL want to keep me and I feel stupid dating them if I’m not sure I want to keep them. Each of the men I’m dating is really fun, intelligent, attractive (to me) and the chemistry is great. Now I’m down to having to get clear about what I’M really looking for. In the meantime, these guys are expressing that they’re feeling toyed with. Is that just whining on their part? I feel guilty, a little tired, and super confused! Thanks, Rori!



  28.  #28Rori Raye on May 19, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Angel Baby, Welcome and BRAVA to YOU!!! Jumping off to a post on this one! Love, Rori



  29.  #29Angel Baby on May 19, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Ha ha, so nice to get your personal attention! But seriously. OK, so in the past 24 hours I’ve gotten clearer on what was great about these guys and why it probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. I’m rehearsing my “I’m sorry, but…” speeches. It would have been fun to date them casually but they each wanted long-term relationships! So I see all of this as an AWESOME confirmation that I’m starting to attract the sort of LOVING lover that I really want. But I still feel sad and wonder if I’ll ever meet a man who I feel right with on every level…



  30.  #30Daria on May 19, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Angel Baby –

    I wouldn’t think about why it wouldn’t work out… some might step up more and surprise you.

    And they would have to show up and propose wih a ring and wedding date to have a claim on a “long term” = forever.



  31.  #31Michelle on May 19, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Angel Baby, I know exactly how you feel!!

    I really never thought I would have this problem! But what do you do when you have more than one guy that wants to be with you?!?!

    I went from having different situations that weren’t working out for me to having one guy do a 180 and others just flocking to me. I gave the “no boyfriend” speech to the newbies and guys I’ve been on a few dates with that are showing A LOT of interest and they all understand and are still coming on strong. But they got it from the beginning so it was much easier.

    There is one guy that had been dragging his feet for months, being a friend with benefits, to just friends, to moving forward and making plans with me now. Over the last 3 weeks he has been super attentive, sweet, asking me out, doing things for me, telling me how he feels, and also making comments about us being together. I don’t know what to do!!

    I like him, but I like some of the other guys too…or atleast have enough interest to want to keep circular dating. I don’t know how to address the fact that I’m still keeping my options open and there are other people that I’m dating with this guy. Should I bring it up to him? It would feel a bit weird to bring up exclusivitiy when thats not what I want right now from him. ( I dont trust enough that how hes being will last, it will take time of him being this guy for me in order to warm up and let myself have strong feelings for him again. ) And im not sure I would marry him, I see the potential but until I see that with someone, and its on the table I dont want to be a girlfriend.

    So thats just one issue. The other is not knowing what to say when these guys ask me what I did last night, or what I’m going to do, or they ask me out at the same time and expect to be invited somewhere (its not like I can bring them all!) haha this feels crazy to me, I can’t believe this is my problem! I feel guilty though, and weird with not knowing what to say, I feel like it could be taken as being sneaky if they dont know what I’m doing, and since I dont know how to word it to them, ive just been trying to avoid telling them anything, and it just feels wrong….



  32.  #32Melb(a)Lynne on June 24, 2010 at 5:49 am

    Hi Rori
    I’ve been moving along, attempting to ‘circular date’. (Due to finding myself ‘too involved’ ‘too attached’ to a guy I didn’t think I was even going to ‘date’ let alone become ’emotionally attached’ to!) Ha, see how they sneak up on you….!! Lol!! 🙂 We’ve been ‘seeing’ each other for about a year…
    Since being reminded that ‘I told you I don’t want/aren’t looking for a relationship’ (ie Him speaking!)… although respectful and open (he does have honesty on his side)… it was/is time to seriously get into this (‘circular dating’). I’ve taken onboard my Siren & am also feeling that…!!
    Having been on rsvp (dating site in Australia, I live in Melbourne & have met about 60-70!! [1four month relationship, 1 shorter relationship/now friendship,& a number of email contacts] guys on rsvp over 5 or so years) all throughout my ‘friendship’ with this guy I knew I needed to accept & ‘further’ the ‘interactions’ I was having with guys… so I purposefully used my rsvp dates to find guys I could ‘be friends with’ first, so that I wouldn’t Discount any Potentials who appeared ‘not to my taste’ to begin with. However, although in the recent couple of months of my New Plan, and having met maybe 10 – 15 guys for coffee (as well as all of my other interactions, at work, at the cafe, down the street, in shops etc)… only ONE guy was I able to KEEP on as a ‘regular’ coffee date (as friends who enjoyed a chat together – I had/have no romantic interest even after 5 or 6 ‘coffee dates’), and even then he politely & respectfully told me recently, when he met ‘The One’ (he thinks) and that he wasn’t sure she’d be happy with him continuing ‘coffee’ with someone he ‘likes’… All the other guys I met fell into “Even though I can chat for an hour or so with first coffee, (& learn more about how I communicate) I just CAN’T bring myself to ‘see’ them again… there IS NOTHING more I want to SAY to that person”, or the other category of “He wasn’t Keen for another Coffee (even if I was, or wasn’t keen)…” The situation of Keeping a List of Friendly InterestingEnoughToMe Men (who have time/energy/desire to ‘catch up’ with me on a regular basis As a Friend – I only met one recently who I felt Vaguely Attracted to [& it was obvious that he had lots of other/younger/fitter/healthier options than me; not more attractive or wonderful though LOL!! :-)]) – is Not Happening, even with my best of open and accepting intention/s.
    To me, the ‘dating’ situation, even when attempting to go down the ‘friends’ track to keep options open, just Doesn’t Seem To Work ie unless the guy is Keen ie Chemistry he Won’t See You/Me again…. that’s fine, but that leaves Me with Following Up with guys whom I FEEL NO CHEMISTRY/ATTRACTION at all for… thus back to the ‘I just Can’t handle another hour of “coffee/chat” with this person… even though he is “quite nice”‘… I Know I Sound Nasty/Picky/ Upmyself (I’m not)… but this is how it’s been working for me…
    ANY Suggestions Respectfully Acknowledged & Rather Desperately Wanted!! 🙂 Thanks, Lynne (from Melbourne, Australia)… I’m 54 [look in my 40’s], have 2 kids, 2 divorces, [2 cats lol!!] & numerous short (& longer) relationships behind me… !!



  33.  #33Rori Raye on June 24, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    MelbaLynne – Welcome, and your question is what my Targeting Mr. Right program is all about…firt – STOP with the “friends” thing – that “expectation” is causing you to bring in “friends” – and is completely all about your fears. Please imagine and envision what you REALLY want – we need to baby step through your FEARS – not toe step through your comfort zone! Just keep imagining each “meet” as getting you closer to what you want…your magic number might be 25, might be 50 – IN PERSON! – and that’s why the speed of this is in your hands. Love, Rori



  34.  #34Melb(a)Lynne on June 24, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Hi Rori, thanks for your comment, & underneath it all could be fear (of getting ‘stuck’ in a relationship/ marriages that could be so dreadful for me again). My 1st husband was/is Very Angry (I got out of that when kids very young)…. my 2nd husband was/is Very Irresponsible (not good with commitment/ loyalty/boundaries)…Both marriages have done me alot of personal/& health damage (although i’m dealing with it & trying to attain more health).
    I’m really serious about wanting to meet someone ‘good’ for me, for my life, who treasures me & chooses to be loyal to me.. (I’m Way Too Ill [& Old!!] for another Damaging Disaster, my body wouldn’t take it)..which is why I’m now focussing alot on this… (& have done Toxic Man, was gr8!!)..
    However, just want to clarify why in last couple of months I’ve had the ‘intention’ of drawing in ‘friendship’ on rsvp (my profile says wants ‘friendship’ & ‘long term relationship’). After meeting 60 or more guys & looking at each ‘coffee meeting’ as a ‘Is he my “perfect/possible” guy?’ & discounting 56 of them straight away, I thought I might be being too ‘picky’ & not giving ‘good’ guys a chance.
    My ‘problems’ since the end of my 2nd marriage are 2fold: 1. I have chronic fatigue/migraines & other very challenging/personal health issues that stop me ‘going out’ as people normally do.. although I still work p/t & support us all; & 2. I have only met 4 guys in 6 years who I’m “attracted” to, in any sense (I used to have no trouble bumping into guys I found attractive)…. 3 of those guys I was “attracted” to straight away & 3 of them it was initially reciprocated (one I went out with for 4 mths, Guy A, a responsible architect, family man, but it wasn’t Right for me & not long after that I met Guy B, a business man with a degree, responsible, family man – that ‘stopped before it started’ as Coincidently Guy B’s ex-girlfriend [who he was still a little ‘stuck’ on but denied it] was Actually Guy A’s ex-girlfriend, fleetingly/now friend!! What the…!! Melbourne is Actually A Big City!! 🙂 And Guy B didn’t like me ‘knowing about stuff’ re his ex-girlfriend, (from Guy A!! [who at the time still communicated with me, but not now, cos his girlfriend told him not to!!]). So that was that… About a year later I met Guy C, an engineer, responsible, family man, [but HE was ‘involved’ casually with another women {married!!}.., he told me his ‘situation’ at the start… so I started coolly, & then he said she’d ‘broken it off’ with him & we could now start ‘dating’… I saw the folly in that & stepped out of there… we’re friends now & it took him a couple more years to remove himself from the hope that she was ‘leaving the marriage’ for him!!!
    Then Guy D came along, a Social Worker, previously a teacher, (I was a teacher)…responsible, family man (has 1 son all the time & other one 50/50 with ex)… at first I wasn’t “attracted” to him, in the romantic sense. I ‘met’ him when he ‘accosted’ me in a cafe… he’d been watching me chat to friends out front, recognised me from my rsvp profile, & when I came in to cafe he ‘caught me’ at the door, asked if i was on rsvp, then my rsvp name & gave me his number & rsvp ‘contact name’ & said ‘Contact me if you want to catch up’…. which IRONICLY, i notice now, is how the Whole Non- Relationship has gone..!! 🙁 ie me, often, contacting him.. but he has ALWAYS replied & met me Every Single Time I’ve asked, pretty much straight away… (It is why I’ve felt the need to ‘follow-up’ ‘friendship’ type connections because of what happened here… which has left me gobsmacked…). I clearly ‘enjoyed’ our first ‘cofffee chat’ enough to have another one & after a couple more ‘coffees’ began ‘looking forward’ to them alot… Then checked his site again, on rsvp to see/ NOTICE ‘friendship only’, ‘strictly friendship only’.. That was April, 2009….
    Well the whole ‘circular dating’ for me is due to him being ‘unavailable’… & although our times together, just great, my belief, from all he’s said is that although he’d been monagamous for 30 years ie in relationships prior to marriage, then marriage, (ended 5 years ago).. he’s now decided that ‘monagamy/relationships’ ‘don’t work’ and chooses the ‘freedom’ (free from control/pain/ giving up what you Truely Believe is You for your partner) of not ‘being in’ relationship… that’s his choice; & having managed to ‘arrange’ (with obviously someone who cares Not Much for him really…!!) a ‘friendship’ “with an old friend that sometimes includes sex” !!! (she’s also sleeping with other people!!! as you do.. NOT!!) he’s decided that that is great because there is no responsiblity/ pressure /demands on him at all (I expect that’s what he likes)… Too much about HIM, sorry…
    So does that make sense as to why I’m attempting to be more ‘open’ in my ‘criteria’ for what determines A Second ‘coffee date’… I don’t Tell the Guys I’m Looking for Friendship only, & in fact I’m not, I just don’t want to Discount someone whom I’m not Initially “really attracted” to…. (eg I didn’t Believe one can get So Involved with someone where there’s not an initial Large Attraction/Chemistry happening, right at the start… but I Have!!…& the chemistry is the most amazing I’ve ever had!! ??) My desire is to ‘be attracted to’, & find someone who is ‘attractive’ to me… who is not so Difficult (& Unavailable) as Guy D… ie who basically ‘wants a partner’ & ‘is mature enough to handle it’… (plus all the other criteria I’m looking for… of course!!)…
    Err, I think that’s it.. does that make more sense?
    Or should I just be ‘fussy’ like I used to be, on rsvp? Or is there a middle road to be found??
    Thanks very much, Lynne



  35.  #35Poppy on July 1, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    can any of these programs help with long distant relationships???Ive known the man im involved with for 22 yrs but lost contact up til about a year ago.everything was great until about 2 weeks ago and now things are rocky(I do know for a fact hes been having issues 2 brothers deaths,moving his mother in,going thru a divorce..etc.)so which way do I turn????or should I ask which program can help??



  36.  #36Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Poppy – Welcome – and Long Distance so so challenging, because there’s no way to feel and smell and everything else each other, and because it’s a choice that deep down each of you has made because of your OWN fear of intimacy – yes – this means YOURS. Unless you’ve got a ring on your finger and a wedding date and regular skyping and contact and visiting – get the ebook and then Targeting Mr Right, then Modern Siren and Circular Date so you can PRACTICE all these Tools. You’ll be amazed at what will happen for you…Love, Rori



  37.  #37Confused on July 8, 2010 at 5:33 am

    I don’t know if this would be the right thing for me to do…I am married and my Husband was having an affair. He left her but I saw him with her day before yesterday, he was driving her car. So, I suppose that was having an affair should be is…I do have another man that want to be with me. My Husband doesn’t live at home with me and he goes back and forth when he calls me, from I love you and tell the kids I love them to (just) tell the kids that i love them. So, I don’t quite know what to do here. Being married is important. But at the same time, only in my eyes I suppose. He has health problems and isn’t able to work anymore and feels depressed from time to time, telling me that he feels like telling me to find another man that can take care of me and the kids. But I feel sometimes like it’s because not only can he not work, but still wants to be with the other woman and doesn’t want to admit it to me. Or he will tell me that maybe I should move back to Indiana with his family where we would be taken care of and be loved. It is a more complicated situation I suppose than just circular dating… What is your opinion on this and what do you think I should do? Date or not?



  38.  #38Rori Raye on July 9, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Confused – so sorry for your situation – and, ask yourself what you really want. This marriage is clearly not working. If you have another man who wants to date you – you could be friends with him – but having a sexual affair with another man and staying married requires you to be honest with your husband. How about you start being honest with your husband NOW? Talk with him. Find out if he wants to work on your marriage or just be free…make some decisions based on information. If you’re already physically separated – I don’t see how dating other men would be a problem, as long as it’s clearly stated with your husband, and perhaps you have legal procedures in the works…Love, Rori



  39.  #39Confused on July 12, 2010 at 11:10 am

    I was merely contemplating on the circular dating thing. Wasn’t sure if that was what i wanted or not. I would NEVER have sex with another man. And I’m always honest with my Husband. He’s the one that isn’t honest and has sex with other partners. As far as the man that wants to be with me, We’re only friends and mostly talk on the phone once or twice a month. My Husband already knows about him. The other man wants to be more and years ago, we WERE more than friends. We were crazy about each other, but circumstances wouldn’t let us be together. We lived in different States. We had children and couldn’t move away from our children to be with each other. To ask myself what I really want, No, I don’t think I want to date anyone. I don’t feel that dating will help do anything but maybe drive my Husband away or make him feel I don’t care about him. Who knows…



  40.  #40Jesse on August 12, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Dating in the age when sex can kill ya…

    I’m dating again at the age of 60…where does exclusivity for safer sex reasons figure into the practice of circular dating?

    I’ve just started dating a guy who is coming on very strong and thinks we’re moving too slowly toward having sex…I am very attracted to him, but feel like I know very little about him. I don’t know if he is true to his word, or if his actions will match up with what he says…we have only been going out for a few weeks and have had 5 dates. “Three” dates seems to be the “magic number,” but I prefer to wait until I have a better sense of what he’s made of. He has asked me to send him a picture of me without clothes…for me that is a major red flag..what kind of man would ask me to expose myself to possible exploitation and lack of privacy that way? Also, the day after our date when he told me he wouldn’t need any one but me, I could see on a dating website that he had flirted with someone else!

    In any case, if and when we do have sex I would want it to be exclusive. How does circular dating work when a couple becomes more sexually intimate? How does a woman keep herself safe and healthy under those circumstances?

    Granted I grew up in an age when women were expected to be faithful, even with very little or no commitment from a guy, but what about sexual hygiene? These questions apply to all of us…



  41.  #41Rori Raye on August 13, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Jesse, Welcome, and sexual exclusivity is very different from dating exclusivity. And if you don’t trust a man to do what he says…then drop him. Love, Rori



  42.  #42peaches on September 7, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I really love your news letter and want your programs but cannot afford them at the moment. I am in the middle of a terrible love triangle and I need some help. I was married for 18 years so I am not good at the dating thing. I am still young and attractive, I am very much in love with this man I have been seeing off and on for a year and 4 months. He started seeing me without fully breaking it off with his ex gf and she has not let go! She shows up on his doorstep, sends him cards, texts him constantly and calls him, then out of nowhere she just goes away for about 10-12 days and we are fine…but when she shows back up ..all chios arrives and our relationship goes thru him getting confused all over again…me or her? it’s so stupid! I let him go to be with her and he comes running back after about a week or two, then we are great for 3-4 months and then she starts it all up again. He says he loves me and he knows that I am the one he is meant to be with and he would be completely happy with me, but he loves her too and part of him feels like he should be with her and he does not know how to let her go..he feels responsible for her feelings..she is great at guilt trips and manipulation…he is no saint. I know he loves me and I believe he truly wants to be with me, he says there is just some hold she has over him…what do i do? I recently told him that since he is seeing her here and there (she is dating someone else and still chasing him), and I am the only one out on a limb here..that I respect his decision in the fact he wants to make the right choice…and so do I, so I have decided to start dating other men…was this right? he got all flustered and angry and defended that he had not slept with her and he was just dating me…I stood my ground..help me please…



  43.  #43Rori Raye on September 7, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    peaches…are you dating other men? at least when you’re not together with him? That’s the only way to make this work…over time he’ll have to choose between committing to you or losing you to another man – and if there are no other men…you’re stuck. Circular Dating is the cure.. Love, Rori



  44.  #44Kay C on September 26, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Rori,

    I have been reading your email newsletters with much interest and have read “Have the Relationship You Want” with gusto. I came across this website searching for “Circular Dating.” This is something I KNOW I should be doing and wish I had your advice a couple of years ago!!! After getting out of a long term back/forth relationship with what I have come to the conclusion was a toxic man I began to date again. I met someone I really enjoyed, of COURSE dropped dating anyone else, (hadn’t come across your programs yet) and just as things were going along swimmingly he was offered a job he couldn’t pass up and moved. Now I am in a long distance relationship, that was just getting started to begin with. We agreed to keep things going with emails, phone calls, and visits and to keep things exclusive even though we had never really had any kind of exclusivity talk before he needed to move.

    I am learning from the mistakes I have made with dating in the past. Was good at the circular dating, until I met someone I really liked, and then I would focus all of my attention on one. I am seeing now why that does not work. I made it so easy for men to keep me in the wings without any competition or investment in me while they continued to wonder if the grass really is greener, even if they weren’t blatant about it. In the case of the toxic man, every time it wasn’t, we were “on” again and I continued to make the same mistakes over and over. I was definitely always in “giving” mode….rather than receiving….something I have learned in your advice was my biggest downfall. I was exclusive with him from date number one, something he pushed for, and was kept on a yo yo for nearly 2 years, always trying to do the right thing to hold onto him and the relationship. I realize now that I never saw how lucky he was to have ME, which meant there was no reason for him to ever have that realization.

    Without having all of your programs, which I would love to have but just cannot swing it at this time, I am trying to fill in the blanks as to what to do next. I know I should extract myself from this long distance relationship being “exclusive” and feel free to date all I want unless he is willing to step up to the plate with some definite future plans. I am just not sure how to present that to him without it being perceived as an ultimatum.

    When we are together, I am happy and relaxed and I want that with someone all of the time, not just every couple of months. Unfortunately, even if he were asking for that, it is impossible for either of us to move, even in the near future. Sometimes I think the distance thing should be the deal breaker all its own, even if everything else is great. Meanwhile I am wanting to get back out and practice all of these new things I am learning in your newletters and now this website….probably because I am now also very happy and relaxed on my own!

    So for my questions…..how do I now Circular Date while in a long distance relationship, how much information should I be giving in the current relationship, and another biggie that I haven’t even touched on…..just what do you mean by “there is a difference in sexual exclusivity and dating exclusivity”…..since obviously I am sleeping with this man (when I actually get to be in the same state with him!). I personally have always found it hard to date someone for very long without sex being involved.

    I look forward to any advice you can give me.



  45.  #45Cindy on November 8, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Just wondering….Has anyone found themselves in a dangerous situation. There are a lot of crazy, jealous men out there that would not like someone they are interested in dating around. And….how do you handle the dating when all men, even the ones in my age group 50+ want sex by the 3rd or fourth date or they threaten leaving because I am not commited?



  46.  #46Daydreams2 on November 9, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Hi Cindy, I haven’t been in a dangerous situation, that’s because I’m not ‘with’ a guy I guess, ie I’m doing Circular Dating as a singe person, for over a year now. I cannot quite see, though, how it would work for me, (as you mention re jealousy/anger etc)if I were to become exclusive with someone & use it to get them to ‘step up’ in the relationship (or not! as could happen lol :-)). I have encountered the problem of guy/s wishing, or aiming, to get physical (after 3 or 4 dates) & so have had to say (to them) that I don’t want that right now.
    That then means, (I haven’t encountered threatening to leave) they just don’t bother much after that. It seems to me, they want ‘a relationship’ & if it’s not heading that way right from the get go… (& I had to say I didn’t want to be physical right now) then they go off to find someone who’s Right Into Them right from the start…
    I don’t think they (ie guys & I’m prepared to be contradicted here ??!! any guy/s reading this??) like to think we’re not amazingly attracted to them, so they find that hard to deal with & move on to someone offering physicality (& the fact that they’re ‘into’ the guy) from early days of seeing someone.
    Does that make sense? I know I haven’t provided a solution… my own solution is that I need to find someone i’m ‘into’ pretty much straight away… it’s not happening at the moment, & anyway I thought I was being more ‘careful’ getting to know someone for a while & then deciding if I wanted to ‘move the relationship forward’ (ie have sex lol!! :-))….
    I’ve also attempted to ‘stay friends’ with some guys whom I’ve liked alot (but just not wanted to be physical with), &/or one/s that I dated for a short while, but again, have found the above… oft times they’re too busy/not interested in that (or they won’t see me if they start ‘dating’ [out of respect to the woman they’re now dating]). (!!)
    How come when I meet a guy/guys they always seem to have a plethora of ‘female friends’ either ex’s or whatever….?? cos I don’t seem to be able to be part of that, from the female side ie having lots of male friends (!!) oh well… & lol (!!) 🙂
    cheers & good luck :-), Lynne



  47.  #47Elinore Gouge on November 29, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Have you ever thought of adding videos to your website posts to keep the visitors even more entertained? I mean I just read through the whole page and it was pretty fantastic but because I am much more of a visual learner, I found that way to be a lot more helpful. well, let me know what you feel.



  48.  #48Mary on December 25, 2010 at 7:05 am

    HELP!
    Hey guys, I am in a situation that I have not been in before…. having 2 guys. They are both really into me and there is one I really, really like more. I just started dating both of them in the past 2 weeks. The one i really like calls me every night we really connect and connected in person. He said he has a good feeling about us. He is very attentive, affectionate. He works nite shifts so its hard to be with him all the time. The other one is a very nice guy, attentive, affectionate and i do like him but not as much as the other one. He asked me after 2 dates to be exclusive but I couldn’t because i really like the other one. He asked if i was dating others I said yes i was. But he still wants to see me. I guess my problem is that I really like to see where the other relationship will go (with the one i really like) and i am afraid I maybe leading this one on if the other relationship works out. I am not used to having 2 men in my life…and its scary and confusing. I feel like i don’t know what to do and how to handle this. Some say i am wrong and that i should let the 2nd one go telling him i am interested in someone else….but it has only been 2 weeks and I don’t know if i will have a relationship with the one i really like. They make me feel guily and bad…… Am I a user?



  49.  #49Jeannette on December 25, 2010 at 7:16 am

    Mary NO you are not a user….my gosh, you don’t even know them yet. It takes months to really know someone. Be good to yourself and take your time, you will know what’s what as everything unfolds.



  50.  #50LOST on January 9, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Here is my story. I met this guy online and we been seeing each other for over a month. Every day without fail he calls me and if he is running late in calling me he emails me telling he will be calling later than usual that day. He told me he likes me alot, that he has good feelings about us. He tells me how he likes my humor, my smile, my playfulness and that I excite him. Wants to know everything about me down to my favorite color. We talk about relationships in general and our thoughts on it. He asked me out for New Years Eve. That was the first time i was intimate with him. He got a beautiful suite, took me to dinner, had champagne in the room. All nite i would catch him staring at me, even when i was watching tv. During the intimacy, he would continue to stare in my eyes, he would caress my face and stare…then we cuddle watching tv. The next day after breakfast he was talking about me meeeting one of his friends who is close to him. After he dropped me off home, he was going to visit his kids for New Years. That nite on his way home he called me. He didnt sound himself. Told me briefly about an issue he had with his son over smoking pot that day. He sounded a bit upset (of course). After that nite I didnt hear from him. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday went by no calls. I sent an email just asking how he was and if everything is ok. No response. Friday nite I called him. He picked up quickly. He did sound happy to hear from me. I said to him “hi, it’s been awhile since we talked & I was wondering if you can help me understand what happened, did something change between us” He said he was sorry for not calling, but right now he has family issues to deal with his kids. He said he knows he should have called to explain but he wasn’t really speaking to anyone lately on this. So I said “I understand and I won’t push you to give me details on your family issues. I like you alot and when things die down, if you still like to date me, call me.” He said yes that would be very nice & interested in picking up where we left off and that he feels this issue should be over with shortly. I told him I will give him the space to deal with what he is going through and if he feels the need to talk to someone to call me.

    My problem is that i was in a 2 year relationship with a guy few years ago where after a while he gave me excuses about his kids which is why he started to be distant with me. Come to find out, he didnt have issue with his kids but seeing someone else. He used his kids as an excuse. I keep telling myself, don’t bring bad experiences from past relationships into a new one. But it’s hard. 90% of my head and heart knows that the new guy is upfront and honest but i always have that doubt in the back of my head if he is telling me the truth.
    Is this a red flag? I’m so confused.

    I started to talk to other guys in the meantime. Trying to distract myself from thinking of him.



  51.  #51Daydreams2 on January 10, 2011 at 2:58 am

    Hi Lost
    I guess Rori might say keep on talking to other guys; giving the One You Like space doesn’t mean you have to sit at home… Once he realises, after he’s ‘fixed the kid issues’ (real or imaginary), that you’ve been busy with your exciting life, meeting exciting & attractive men he’ll start to not want to leave contacts/meets with you for so long… You’ll shift the ‘balance’ of the relationship, which at this point appears to be in his corner (due to you feeling worried). Once YOU FEEL FINE (with or without him) your interactions with him will reflect this & HE’LL be WORRYING about why YOUR life is so exciting/interesting….!!!
    Try & keep the past in the past & focus on assuming he’s being honest until you have information that shows he hasn’t been??
    Hope this helps..
    cheers
    Lynne



  52.  #52LOST on January 10, 2011 at 6:35 am

    Thanks Lynn. I know its something I need to work on myself. Some days I feel good, confident, ontop of the world about this, and then I have my moments where it depresses me because I miss him. But I know I can do this.



  53.  #53LOST on January 10, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Thanks Lynn. I know its something I need to work on myself. Some days I feel good, confident, ontop of the world about this, and then I have my moments where it depresses me because I miss him. But I know I can do this.



  54.  #54Daydreams2 on January 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Lost
    I didn’t mean to make it sound easy at all… although you sound like you’re at a place in you’re life where you can really do this… I’ve JUST come out of an almost 2yrs relship, started April, 09, (I can’t believe it.. [!!] due to the negative thing for me.. eg the guy ‘didn’t want a relationship’ from the start… things happened.. we got very connected.. his position stayed same, … he was/is a Good Guy [just Very Damaged & Very Afraid {my words, not his.. lol!!} of exclusive relationships as for him they led to control, criticism, anger, put-downs etc etc etc lol! surprise!! as if we don’t Know, haven’t experienced THAT!! … anyway….- all his problem though] … but even with his family commitments [1 teenage son lives w him F/T & other he has every 2nd week], F/T work [social worker] & 2nd job a shift on W/E, ie he’s not out womanising… just def NO to exclusive [& conveniently had some old friend who apparently was happy occasionally with the ‘with benefits’ tag… wtf..!!???]… anyway..
    My point is, I miss him heaps, (I missed him alot during the ‘non-relationship’, because when we were together it was just wonderful 🙂 such good feelings :-)) … he even admitted (amazing for him to say anything much!!) “.. it’s not often you find someone you feel so comfortable with.. & yes in both ways..” when I told him I was moving on (for a monogamous relationship2 come in2 my life)…. back to the point… I’ve found it’s Always difficult to manage when They are not there (ie the one you Really Like), yet I sense in your situation the more you (authentically) can enjoy your life (with him ‘too busy’ with ‘whatever’ to notice you) THE MORE he will find you mesmerisingly attractive… AND he’ll Want to pin you down for when you have some time Available for Him (in your busy, exciting, fun life)… He’ll all of a sudden not have ‘so much stuff’ he has to ‘deal with’ with his family…. Just leave him right alone… that’s what He Wanted, remember.. (give him the gift of your absence.. it allows Them to Wonder about what YOU are up to…)…
    It’s just the way it works… (eg in my situation, he hardly ever initiated txts/contact but was Always There whenever I wanted to see him… in the end though, ie NOW since Xmas he’s txtd me on 4 separate occasions & I’ve only txtd once ie the ‘moving on’ one.. & then he not only replied [nicely2, considering I’d just ‘broken up’ with him] straight away… but then a few days later Wanting to See Me.. wtf!!!????) … Pity it had to be Truely Over for me, (it’s not easy..) for me to be able to change the ‘power balance’ in the relship…
    Anyway try reading Rori’s Ebook if you can, has lots of Good Stuff in it; and see what you think? I think it will help.. I found it good..
    Good luck with him & good luck with your life 🙂
    Lynne



  55.  #55Daydreams2 on January 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    oh & ps Lost, I’m still sputtering (in my head, lol!!) about his ‘so comfortable with someone’ comment- I thought in life that we wandered along.. & when we bumped into someone (whom we clearly are attracted to & the chemistry is working awesome!!) who we feel ‘so comfortable’ being with.. that we follow up that option to see if we may end up being able to have some type of happy life together (where we enhance each other’s lives)????
    Still, as we know, we have to deal with guys… & boy can they be tricky, annoying, frustrating… etc etc
    Anyway, .. I’d suggest also the ‘circular dating’ philosophy to incorporate into your life if you can … I’ve been doing it for about a year – remember my guy ‘not want exclusive’ so he technically appeared ok with me meeting other guys.. I don’t believe though, that he truely was ok, but he had his ‘no relship, no exclusive’ stance, so I could do, & did, what I wanted – although, surprise, surprise no one interested me enough to follow up with…
    I did find the CD though, enabled me to not only feel better about me (although I did often think of Him.. 🙁 ), but I also managed to ‘be in the moment’ & ‘enjoy whatever moment, & what it offered me’… & so not be so dependent on ‘time with him’ as the only ‘good’ stuff in my life…. It is also a diversion.. & what’s wrong with a good diversion?? Anything that works, I say… lol!!
    Oh well, I don’t know if any of this helps… I hope it does, and I hope for a positive outcome for you
    Lynne 🙂
    PS – I have a couple of days off work..(!!) I haven’t been on this site for a while… but I think I really related to your position.. to how you’re feeling…



  56.  #56LOST on January 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks so much Lynn. Yes I have not contacted him, I told him i give him the space to deal with what is needs to deal with. In the meantime I have not stopped talking to guys on the site. I do see him log on at times and I know he sees me cause he put me on his favorite list i noticed. So anyways, I’m talking to 4 guys and 2 are calling me tonite. It’s like they are coming out all over LOL. I feel good about it. And it is keeping me distracted from ‘him’. If he wants to see me he knows where i am at. I was feeling down (and i admit I still have my moments) but having these other guys contact me makes me feel good. Who knows if whenever he is ready to start again, I may not want to.

    I do have Rori’s book and CDs, but i guess I just need reaffirmation at times 🙂 and i thank god for the opportunity to share with all of you.



  57.  #57Joanne on February 14, 2011 at 1:05 am

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve just ordered and downloaded your e-book on Have the Relationship You Want. I get your newsletters and read them through carefully.

    I’ve become totally fascinated with the concept of Circular Dating — something that’s been instinctive to me whenever I haven’t been in a relationship, but something I, like many other women, have abandoned the moment we think we’ve found “the one”… or when we’ve applied all the “old-school” rules to giving our all to the man we’re with and feeling as though it’s our “duty” to crown him king and keep him on the throne.

    I am now in a fairly new relationship, experiencing all of the common symptoms of confusion and frustration that are described in all of the testimonials I’ve been reading. These are the same symptoms I’ve experienced before in other relationships with “decent men” and as a result of not knowing what to do with them and lowering my self-esteem, I’ve ended up in more dysfunctional relationships — forgetting to value myself before anyone else.

    Since I’m not in the financial position to buy another “program” I looked for other ways to learn more about Circular Dating… That’s how I found this blog… Help me please… I need an intervention… I need to feel the way I do whenever I’m not in a relationship…!

    My “date” is confusing the heck out of me… We had an incredible time last night… no sex… because doing that after only one time — early in the relationship — I was noticing that I was slipping into my old patterns again… I explained to him how I can’t let myself go there until I know there are no other “dates” in the picture…

    He’s been quite the gentleman about it, letting me know how desirable I am and even how he’s dreamt about me several times. He’s letting me call the shots in that department, honoring my “boundaries”. However, he told me just today that although he loves being with me, loves everything about me, thinks I’m beautiful in and out and better than most, he can’t give me what I need in this relationship. And since I can’t give him that either, we have a “dilemna”…

    I’m good-natured about everything… and instead of stewing in this feeling, I’m ready and even excited to start changing my vibe for GOOD… I’m going to have fun sitting back to watch the results…

    I had already seen snippets of it, when I asked him to come to my friend’s karaoke birthday party with me last night. Originally he had plans to go out — I’m thinking it was his other “date”… After he knew I had planned to go anyway, his plans seemed to magically change… and he could make it “after all”… We had a terrific night, but I’m beating myself up today thinking that last night I must have changed my vibe to make him the center of my world again. I was enjoying the attention and affection so much and I wanted to go further with it, but I had to ask the painful question first… is he still dating anyone else… OOPS, I did it again…! But not what the song implies… Any suggestions anyone…? I need to shake myself silly for this silliness…!

    Joanne



  58.  #58Charlene on March 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I have to admit i haven’t read all the questions and comments..so I’m sorry if I am repeating a question..How much do I tell or reveal to the the main man i want about my dateing other men….



  59.  #59Joanne on March 28, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Hey, Charlene…

    I just noticed that you and I are the two most recent to post comments here. I also see that Rori’s last personal reply was over six months ago. I was hoping to get an answer from her, as well. I’m sure that her programs are taking off with overwhelming response from readers like us.

    I’ve invested some money and a lot of time in the programs and continue using the tools, and I must say that I feel more empowered for it. I just opened this comments page today, forgetting what I had written over a month ago.

    I reread mine, hoping to find a reply from Rori, but then I realized that I have already answered my own dilemna since last month.

    I started reading a lot of these older posts from over a year ago. I couldn’t read everyone’s either, although one in particular stood out (Deirdre, Oct. 2009 ~ scroll to comments 21 thru 23). Deirdre stated my own concerns and sentiments about the whole notion of Circular Dating and how it could potentially backfire. But I feel the lightbulb has finally started to come on for me.

    About three weeks ago, I had “the relationship talk” through a video message I sent to the guy I’m emotionally invested in. He was on a business trip and had let much time slip without so much as a text. When he did e-mail, it was about having been “crazy busy”… I asked him to watch the video when he wouldn’t be so distracted.

    That’s when I told him that as much as I love how I feel when we’re together, I realized that since I know he continues to date ~ because he honestly admitted this when asked about it ~ then I knew I had to get to the same place and do the same as he’s doing… First, to protect my own feelings and second, so as not to put undue pressure on him when he is clearly not ready to get to that place.

    I had to actually start DOing it and feeling comfortable in this new energy (vibe) before I got any sense of empowerment from it. So, yesterday, I made plans to go out with a female friend and when he just happened to text me out of the blue, I told him where we were going to hang out, listen to music and dance. He asked my permission to join us. I said sure, because I genuinely missed him and wanted to see him again, and because I also wanted to test my new Siren and Circular Dating tools.

    I didn’t even know he had arrived and had been watching me dance with another guy for about 10 minutes before approaching me to let me know he was there. It was strange the way that worked out, because that guy who also happened to be very good looking and a great dancer really was the only guy I danced with for the whole hour we had been there. He had been watching me dance on the floor with all the other ladies and commented to his sister, who got me to dance with him just before “my guy” showed up.

    So, what has this done for me…? It has reminded me that this whole program is not about finding the right guy, but about finding my own center and not feeling guilty in simply getting to know several men as PEOPLE ~ not even as potential partners. I had a great time being the Siren Rori describes. I get comments, looks and smiles from both males and females who admire my vibrant and animated personality.

    I am not a threat, but hopefully an inspiration to other women when I’m relaxed in this vibe. It opens up opportunity for me to share with men and women alike what my new attitude is all about.

    I even share this with men whom I know are interested in me as a potential partner, so that they know what I’m all about from the get-go… I tell them there will be no sex while I’m dating and getting to know a few men at a time. No sneaky or undisclosed agendas.

    If these men are as confident as I want my man to be, they will not back down from the challenge, but step up to get my undivided attention in a way that no other man will. And then I’ll go in for the kill… lol… not really…! If they really do have my attention, I’ll start using the other tools to practice NOT falling back into the old pattern of making my one desired man the center of my world.

    This loooong story was just to say, I believe that honesty is above all the best policy ~ especially when dealing with another human being’s feelings. Saying this upfront is letting them know that I have boundaries, and at the same time, I will not be responsible for feeding their male egos and pride ~ at the expense of sacrificing my own dignity.

    I am getting the sense that “my guy” is feeling the imbalance that Rori talks about, but again, I’m learning not to fall for my old patterns, while I patiently learn to be in the space that my guy gifted me with ~ freedom to explore and experience others while he’s still trying to decide what he really wants and how he can work out his own dilemnas.

    What throws a wrench in this is that he is only legally separated and allowed to live as a single man, but cannot marry. On the one hand I admire his reasons as his commitment to take care of his ex’s medical insurance needs ~ like taking care of a sister ~ but I still believe there could be other legal options out there so that he can stop playing martyr. He loves, but is not in love with her, even though she chose the separation.

    Three years ago, he realized through a therapist that his wife had given him the gift of his freedom ~ after 30 years of marriage. But he knows it’s not in him to stay in an uncommitted relationship for good. He has to finally become aware of the fact that he will end up forfeiting a potentially dynamic relationship due to his martrydom.

    In the meantime, I am trusting the Universe to provide me with the wherewithall to keep me on this course and see what unfolds for my highest purpose ~ whether it’s with him or another.

    Good luck with your quest, too, Charlene, and anyone else who reads this during Rori’s absence… Maybe I’m just “journaling” here to myself, but I’ll return with POSITIVE and SUCCESSFUL updates… for anyone who cares… LOL. This is my powerful intent.



  60.  #60Amy on April 28, 2011 at 2:42 am

    I read it! Fantastically explained, thank you. I still don’t know if this is something I could discuss with my ‘boyfriend’.

    We’ve been together 3 years, distance relationship. We meet up for a few days once a month or so and are on skype every night talking.

    We’re exclusive after a hiccup early on (he went on a couple of dates with another woman who he knew and I had a short fling with a friend) and after the hiccup, I suggested we might try not being exclusive, but he really didn’t want that and wanted us to start again.

    We did and are great friends and lovers. However, he lives with his ex and the kids (she knows about me and is okay with it, we’ve spoken, they are formally seperated) but I feel strongly he won’t leave his kids and …

    … would I want him to? I don’t have kids, but if I did, I’d not leave them for him.

    I don’t know really… am so confused.

    I love him and he loves me, but sometimes I don’t feel it because he’s not working towards a proper full time future together. I think he’s happy with how it is and it fits his life.



  61.  #61Marie-Anne on May 3, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Hi guys,
    I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. I am deeply fond of him. He has his music, his kids, his work, his family. We had a few weeks break now apart as we suffocated each other. Now we both had space and time and the communication is reestablished. He says I am the one he loves.
    He is a beautiful man inside out, sensitive, very intelligent.
    I know what partnership I want: feel exclusive, desired not needed but wanted and I shall not settle for less. During these few weeks I made new friends and learn a lot about relationships, myself and what I truly want.
    He feels that he is not that man I want. Low selfestime from previous relationship.
    I know his love, I feel his love. How can I reassure him, make him feel safe to encourage to explore and express that man within? Only thoughts of gratitude.



  62.  #62Marie-Anne on May 3, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Hi guys,
    I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. I am deeply fond of him. He has his music, his kids, his work, his family. We had a few weeks break now apart as we suffocated each other. Now we both had space and time and the communication is reestablished. He says I am the one he loves.
    He is a beautiful man inside out, sensitive, very intelligent.
    I know what partnership I want: feel exclusive, desired not needed but wanted and I shall not settle for less. During these few weeks I made new friends and learn a lot about relationships, myself and what I truly want.
    He feels that he is not that man I want. Low confidence from previous relationship.
    I know his love, I feel his love. How can I reassure him, make him feel safe to encourage to explore and express that man within? Only thoughts of gratitude.



  63.  #63sunrise on May 20, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Hi
    I’m 35 have been single most of my life and have never had sex, I find it very difficult to date as like a few of you have mentioned guys seem to be after sex on the third date-not that I’ve had many of those!
    My problem is I met this guy in a pub one night(we weren’t supposed to be going there, so I thought it was fate) one of my friends gave him my number, as he’d agreed there was definately chemistry.
    We went out on a date and seemed to really click, we have had numerous indepth text discussions about lots of subjects etc.
    I thought he wasn’t interested, as he was distancing himself so I did the same but he came back, I explained my reason for not txting him and that if he wasn’t sure how he felt then I was open to being friends he said that he found he was attracted to me both mentally and sexually however was a Christian so should really be looking to date a Christian, i opened up a bit about my values(the fact that I hadn’t had sex etc) I explained that I wasn’t. Really religious but that I had been considering it as an option as I have the way of life down I just hadn’t really thought about weather I wanted to put a label on my faith (i do pray but don’t really go to church) but was thinking about starting.
    He’s has been very helpfull regarding religious qn I may have, and is quite friendly and flirty in txts, although very rarely initiates them now. We are also friends on Facebook.
    I have been considering removing him as a friend as he is occupying space in my head and heart and feel unable to get past the connection we made.albeit very breif(around 400 txts in 6 months.
    Have tried dating others but my head is occupied by this guy! My heart too!!
    I feel like an idiot, if he had said he wasn’t into me I would have been fine. But as it stands I’m not sure if my new found interest in god is for real or in the hope that he will reconsider(although i have deliberately not told him, as such)

    Help!!



  64.  #64Nadira on June 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I’ve JUST ordered Rori’s Modern Siren program and I’m wrapping my head around Circular Dating, though I’m not sure yet what it means.
    All I know is: I’ve been seeing a guy for 7months. I love him so much, exactly as he is. But he admits he has a wall around his heart, and that he’s not even thinking about marriage. He’s also going through a major transition in his life. Due to my religion, and because I know how attached I get when I have sex, I have been chaste. I have been overfunctioning a bit I think, and 3 weeks ago I had a talk asking him if he’s seeing anyone else (not that I felt he was) and if we’re just friends. He said we were something b/w friends and more and that he wasn’t thinking about marriage and not able to think about dating others b/c of the transition and knew he’d lose me if he did.

    So.. 3 weeks since.. he has not made plans to call me.. we used to see each other every week. He barely calls.. I emailed him after 5 days of no call and then he called me back that night. He made no arrangements to see me and I had asked to see him 🙁

    My heart is absolutely breaking. It hurts so much that after 14 years I finally love someone and we have had a great connection. I’ve been beating myself up thinking I didn’t know how to connect w/ his heart.. b/c I’d pretend and not be assertive about how I’d feel.

    I’ve gone back online and starting conversations with other men.. my way of circular dating. BUT it HURTS SO MUCH when I look at other men online or in-person b/c I keep comparing them to him.. and how much I love everything about him. I’m crying as I’m writing this b/c it hurts so much.

    Please help me.



  65.  #65Temi Laws on March 8, 2012 at 5:20 am

    Hi I have tried out circular dating and found it beneficial in finding out what I want. I have linked to this blog in my own blog as I think this blog is wonderful!



  66.  #66Tamarisk on June 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Please help understand circular dating means that U sleep with the guy, or means u also can decide to sleep with them and yet can improve ur relationship?
    My husband doesn’t pay any attention to me, totally ignores me, I wouldn’t feel guilty , but would I get in trouble if I get to involved, with another man, would I fall for someone else? How people do this type of thing, Circular dating???



  67.  #67Rori Raye on June 6, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Tamarisk – If your husband doesn’t give you what you need, or want to spend time with you – why are you still married to him? Have you talked with him about making things better? Is there another woman? Before you go off and just “cheat…” can you see talking with him and coming up with a plan together? Circular Dating works because it’s not essentially about dating – it just means you get out there in public, take classes, get involved with life and talk to men. Sleeping with one and getting a “boyfriend” on the side is a whole other level – and the ONLY thing I don’t like about it is LYING. I’m all for Polyamory of all kinds if that feels right for you. Love, Rori



  68.  #68Amanda S. on October 15, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    So, I have been seeing a man (J) since the beginning of the year mostly as a friend until he said the L word and moved me in with him. (I totally beguiled him using Rori’s Modern Siren program, hehe…) I didn’t have the guts to do any real circular dating, just a tiny bit of flirting here and there, as I got caught up in running the apartment with him, this being my first time moving in with anyone. He became uninterested in sex, since work was really wearing at him, and I went to that forum and that was fixed by my showing soft femininity, thank goodness. *Smile*. Anyway, something happened this last week. He hadn’t really been taking me out; just to the bar for a drink, which is fine, but really I wanted more, some kind of special attention and could never tell really how he felt if he felt about anything, especially having to do with me circular dating or flirting about. So this week, I decided since he couldn’t meet my needs recently, I went to a friend of a long time and got some attention. I told “J” I was going out with a friend (mind you, I don’t ever text him first as Rori says not to, unless it’s absolutely necessary, and I had to tell him I was going out – first for safety, second to be honest. So he texts me back with a sad face and tells me well, you know where I’ll be…
    Turned out this really triggered him to feel something…he was all sad and down, and everyone noticed and was worried. He opened up and told me how he felt. (He is used to people screwing around on him behind his back and lying.) He said he could understand me going out with a friend since he wasn’t quite meeting my needs, but that he wanted to have more relaxation time with me and wanted to take me out (basically without saying so, saying he wanted to make it work.) I took him up on it. He took me to sushi and sake, my very favorite, and again the next day for an appetizer and a beverage. He really liked it when I told him I’d heard that traditionally, sake is poured by the other person for you so you don’t get bad luck, and we were pouring each other’s sake and making a toast to each other…it was incredibly romantic. I feel so happy we came to an understanding and he told me what was going on inside him, and closing the conversation with an I love you. We even went to bed giggling. That hasn’t happened in a long time. He even opened up about how he feels when I talk to other guys at the bar who are friendly. I think he is actually feeling a little bit of a need to hold onto me now because he realizes I can be entertained by anyone else at any given moment and he sees he has to put in some effort to keep my interest. Waterwheel-ness is good!!!!
    I told my mother and she said well, it’s about time he took you out and paid some attention to you. So I really got a good taste of what it can do. I got my needs met and I think he felt better.
    I am still fully aware that I feel bad about him feeling bad and am a bit worried still about it. I see this as a motherly instinct, so not a good thing. So my next move is focusing on my work for college. And keeping the wheel turning.



  69.  #69Kimberly on November 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Hi Rori
    I have been taking your dvice for the last 2 months and its amazing. I feel great! lol I am circular dating usually 3 men at a time(4 is almost too many, I work fulltime too and have a child so 3 is the limit). I have learnt so much about myself and what I want and what I don’t want. I was skeptical at first but with the newletters and reading and practice I think I’mgetting good at it….and I’m not settling anymore for guys who don’t treat me the way I should be treated. Practice practice practice. 🙂



  70.  #70Rori Raye on November 20, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Kimberly – BRAVA to YOU! Love, Rori