What Does He OWE You And The “Relationship”?

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There’s a scary dating and relationship place we all get to at one time or another:

He’s pulling back.

He’s quieted down.

He’s feeling “confused”

He’s not calling you like he did or leaning forward like he did.

There are two possible explanations for this:

1. He’s decided he’s not all that into you, or that you’re not “the one” – and he’s withdrawing slowly rather than lose being with you when he has nothing else going on and likes your company.

2. He’s hit the point – likely at 3 or 4 months of dating you (the classic timeframe for this) – where he’s thinking about what to do with you and the relationship.

He’s struggling within himself to decide whether he wants to go further and marry you – or bail.

When this is happening – the place to look for answers about WHY this is happening is from YOUR end.

First – ask yourself if you’ve agreed to exclusivity with him.

Because if you haven’t – I hope you’re Circular Dating for real, and if you have agreed to exclusivity, or wouldn’t feel okay with actually dating other men right now – I hope you’re Circular Dating in the true meaning of the tool: Practicing with every man you meet.

This means: Talking to men.  Interacting with men.  Flirting.

This alone will cure some of the mental gymnastics your brain is doing around him, and get your focus off of him and onto yourself.

And then there’s this attitude we women are taught to have that just WRECKS our self-confidence and sense of inner peace (which is crucial to our well-being and attractiveness to men in general):

It’s the thought that: He owes me an explanation.

Here’s the truth:

He owes you nothing.  Nothing.

His job is to do what he does.

Your job is to see if what he does is what you want.

What he needs to demonstrate in some way is his ability to do relationship.

In other words – does he care for you more than he cares about his “comfort zone”?

Is he willing to feel embarrassed and frightened and uncomfortable in order to make you happy and keep the relationship going?

This is what he’s struggling with – and it’s pretty profound.

Most important – It’s YOUR job to let him be.

He WILL call or text eventually, and it’ll be something innocuous like “how ya doin?”

And you Prepare yourself with some scripts sharing exactly how you feel – the good stuff (the weather, your work, your kids…real poetry here…) and the uncomfortableness and frustration and loneliness of being without him, and that it would feel great to go through things on your side and his side as a team – together.

Ask for nothing – express your feelings and dreams, and that’s it.  You can ask him what he thinks – and that’s it.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 7:14 am


  2.  #2Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 7:24 am

    #2 ha!

  3.  #3Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 7:26 am

    That was my response also, as soon as I read the heading…nothing at all.

    Good Morning FW
    Good Morning every1 else who gets here after me lol

  4.  #4VW on October 27, 2011 at 7:28 am

    “Your job is to see if what he does is what you want.”

    wow..i love it!!!!

    thank u Rori!

  5.  #5VW on October 27, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Good morning Emoticon and FW 🙂

  6.  #6Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Btw I have two new kitties that I was surprised with tuesday 🙂 so happy

  7.  #7Ella on October 27, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Ow, going to re-post here as it would feel really good if I get some Siren feedback on this one…

    Oh and also CD1 had not been in touch, which would have also added to the icky feelings, and I just was not ready to deal with them last night…

    I did not feel strong enough, however I think I Am strong enough.

    And this morning I was woken up by a text message at 8.30am, and it was CD1 saying that he wanted to meet up today…

    I had a hang over and felt rough and thick headed, however I had already decided I wanted to create a boundary with CD1.

    Because of how I feel suspicious of him and also a few things that have happened.

    So I text back ‘Thank you and actually I am going to say no (to meeting up today). Proper dates always feel better to me. x’

    The reason is because he doesn’t plan dates with me in advance (except for the one proper date we had) and he never asks for evening dates…

    He always asks to see me during the day and it is always last minute. Last time I accepted and I actually went to where he works when he invited me which I would not normally do, because I wanted to see it, and I wanted to get more of a feel of him…

    Anway today he replied with something like t wasn’ a date, he just wanted to see me and catch up and say Hi.

    I said yes I see and actually I don’t want that.

    Then he text do I like heights and he has an idea. I put yes heights can feel fun and what does he have in mind.

    No reply.

    I am quite prepared to lose him over this because I am done taking crumbs from any man. However much I think I might like him.

    And I am not even playing games, it is simply that what he is currently offering me is not something I want.

    It feels too ‘illicit affair’ style, and I don’t want that from a man.

    I do feel sad though… a little achy heart over it.

    However I won’t do it though, I will not sacrifice what I want… and I am keeping my boundary. Even if that means losing the man. – There are plenty more!

    And I think he MAY think that I will not be prepared to walk away cus he has quite a lot he is offering to help me with on the business side of things… so he thinks he has something I want (he also reserved a domain name I want… for me apparently… hmmm, we’ll see).

    And the truth is actually I have something he wants… I have something he needs, whether he knows it or not, and on some level he probably does

    And yes I feel a lil scared and NVs saying ‘what if you are throwing away opportunities for your business and it means that your businesses fail!! and you lose all your money etc… ‘ and on and on with this thought loop.

    And I am able to silence them because I know there is not any 1 path, or 1 man, or 1 way of doing things. There are many men, and many options and choices, and many ways I can achieve success with my businesses.

    And as soon as I decided to believe this the Universe backed it up for me by sending me some other opportunities from other sources.

    I feel pleased.

    And I have decided to myself that if by some chance this man does come back with an offer I like, I want it to be about personal… dating, no business.

    And I don’t want to mix the 2 or for him to have power over me because he helped with my businesses.

    Maybe at another time this could be different, however at the moment it would not feel good to accept the business help from him bc I am feeling romantically attracted and it would hurt my heart.

    So I did it.

    And I feel proud of myself, and scared, and lonely and ok all at once!

  8.  #8Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Good Morning VW

  9.  #9sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Wow very timely indeed I just got a email from Mr P well 2 and just answered about my busy day and hope his day is well … so true if shoe was on the other foot I would hate to be hassled…

  10.  #10VW on October 27, 2011 at 7:32 am

    i wonder why do i feel doubtful that i did the right thing by walking away last friday???

    i read various letters from Rori; some appear to welcome my decision to take care of me…and other…appear to suggest expressing more feeling messages…and not walking away…:(


  11.  #11Camille on October 27, 2011 at 7:36 am

    I love that job description. Now when Im thinking…….what should I do??? I can just say……leave it alone and see if he does what I want. That makes those times of “in my head” much easier. I already feel calmer just hearing that. Thanks Rori

    Good Morning Lovely Sirens

  12.  #12Camille on October 27, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Yay for Ella….you are strong and very in touch with how you feel. It feels good to read your post. Applauding your sireness!

  13.  #13Ella on October 27, 2011 at 7:44 am


    This post is so AMAZING! I think I may have seen it before… and I LOVE it!

    Great timing too.

    Although this seems to happen with me more quickly. Like they seem to get to this kind of wihdrawing decision stage after about 1 month…

    And they (nearly) always come back…

    I have seen this so clearly demonstrated recently, time and again, with men who I had thought were gone.

    Men who had developed some kind of feelings for me, and then kinda freaked out and pulled away.

    I would often feel anguish like ‘what have I done wrong?’ and it is so comforting to know it is them… they are struggling with their own profound stuff!

    And can they step out of their comfort zone for me… Its a big ask for a lot of men. And I know they have had powerful feelings for me.

    And I am woman who is not easy to get. I don’t make it easy.

    I don’t accept crumbs because I am holdig out for what I really want.

    And it will take a strong man to overcome his fears to be with me.

    And that is also fine cus there are lots of strong men out there. For me.

    And it only takes one!!

    Awww, bless them. I feel all soft towards men right now.

    And until that strong one breaks through I am just going to keep letting them flow in and out, and come and go, eb and flow like the tide.

    My tide of men.


  14.  #14Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 7:45 am

    It’s time to find a man who appreciates you and works just as hard, if not harder, to make the relationship a happy place.


    Like it or not, but we’re not the only thing on men’s minds!

    Men also spend a lot of their time thinking about their jobs, their hobbies, spending time with their friends, etc. And if you can’t accept the fact, it’ll cause you a LOT of grief!

    A lot of women make the fatal mistake of making a man choose between them and his job, his hobbies, or his friends. (Have you ever done that before?)

    Remember, he’s had his job, his hobbies, and his friends longer than he’s had you… so chances are he won’t choose you!

    Hard as it might be, it’s best to accept the fact that he loves other things too.

    And as long as those “things” don’t include crime and other women, it’s a good idea to give him some time to focus on the other things he considers important.

    When you’re supportive of his work, he’ll work even harder.

    When you’re supportive of his hobbies, he’ll be more supportive of your quirks.

    And when you’re supportive of his choice of friends, he’s going to spend more time with you.

    Try it out!


    In a relationship, we want to be loved, right? That’s why we tend to think that when they’re in Relationships, men want to be loved too.

    Sure — but be careful, because love ISN’T the #1 thing they’re looking for from a woman!

    Guess what — men actually appreciate being RESPECTED more than being loved. Don’t ask me why — that’s just how it is!

    Women want to be loved; men want to be respected. You can try it out after reading this newsletter.

    Show him a little respect: “You got a great career.” “You’re working so hard.” “You’re smarter than most men I know.”

    Watch him warm up to you much easier than if you said, “I love you!”

    Of course, that’s not to say that men want to be respected ONLY. They need love too!

    It’s just that if you want him to be a little more responsive and a little more thoughtful in your relationship, make it a point to show your respect a little more often.

    What have you got to lose, right?

    Also, take this new lesson about respect to the next level.

    When in the dating game, hang out only with men you can respect, and be the kind of woman that men also respect. You’ll stand a much better chance of starting a relationship that’s strong enough to stand the test of time.

    What men need by Alexandra Fox

  15.  #15Camille on October 27, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Thanks FW for posting that….it really resonates with me particularly the “RESPECT” you know T often states when were having difficulties that he doesnt feel respected. Its such a trigger for him. I need to say words that convey such…because I do respect him, but maybe I havent communicated it correctly. Im gonna try that out tonight!

  16.  #16Camille on October 27, 2011 at 7:51 am

    What are some other things to say that portray Respect to a man???

  17.  #17Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Ella, Camille, Sammie Sighs, VW hello!

    Thank you FW. I tend to forget men do seek respect a lot! More so than they do love, at least!

  18.  #18Ella on October 27, 2011 at 7:53 am

    VW re 10

    So dependant on the situation and how you feel about it.

    I guess the best way is to really get in touch with how you feel deep down, and then you will know options works best for you here.

    Or you can try both.

    Its easy to doubt ourselves, esp when we put in a boundary… and acually taking care of ourselves is the most important.

    We can’t say the wrong thing to the right man… so one little hurdle is really not going to make a difference.

    For me I am gently going to encourage myself to relax and trust…

    Even though it feels scary.



  19.  #19Ella on October 27, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I definitely showed admiration and repect for CD1, esp with his work and business knowledge.

    I feel really good when I express respect, admiration and appreciation for men.

    I feel all soft and think they are great.


  20.  #20Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:07 am




  21.  #21Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Camille re 12

    Thank you 🙂

  22.  #22ive no idea on October 27, 2011 at 8:14 am

    femininewoman #14

    definitely going to try the respect thing with my man and like camille #16 would love to know some other ways to convey it??

  23.  #23Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:20 am

    How I would express respect for a man.

    ‘Ow, I feel impressed’ when he is talking about an achievement at work or showing you something he has done.

    ‘I know you are really good in business and I respect your opinion on this’ if asking him for some help with something.

    ‘Oww, your so clever’ said with a voice that says ‘you are so clever and big and strong and I’m just a girl! 🙂 ‘ whilst smiling up/across at him while he is talking about something that he’s knowledgable about. You have to really think he is clever though or this one can sound fake…

    I hope that helps?


  24.  #24Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Ow, it can be hard for me to stay open and not attach/invest.

    Just noticing this that when I am opten, I tend to be able to feel attracted to most men…

    And feeling attraction can lead to feeling invested.

    I want to be able to feel attracted without it leading to feeling invested…

    Yay me for noticing.

    Am getting there with this too.


  25.  #25sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

    #17 Emotion Hello! 🙂

  26.  #26ive no idea on October 27, 2011 at 8:26 am


    thankyou. hmm must try hard to sound like i mean it. although i suppose as long as it come across in a playful way it wouldnt be so bad

  27.  #27Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Ive No Idea,

    Well it has to be real. So no need to try and make it sounds like you mean it. Better if you can find something about him you really do feel impressed by and express this.

    That way its authentic.

    What do you think?


  28.  #28Camille on October 27, 2011 at 8:30 am

    What do men like to be respected for? Beyond working hard and their work? and when we Thank them for the things they do or provide. Would that show them respect. Just saying thank you for something they paid for? Or is that just appreciation? (In a mans mind?)

  29.  #29Camille on October 27, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I guess what really on my mind right now is……………..What is a “mans” definition of respect?

  30.  #30sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Hard isn’t it to create bounderies I was invited out by my Friend Bryan to cinema tonight his just broken up with a girl and needs company, shoulder to cry on lol. So after not hearing all day Mr P says can I see you tonight and part feels aww cos his had a bad day but part feels weve been so intense and than his backed off so I said oh shame sorry hun but my friend Bryan has asked me to cinema and told him about his breaking up with a girl and me shoulder to cry on and thought I need bit of space to not get inside my head with this guy and just be again.

  31.  #31ive no idea on October 27, 2011 at 8:39 am


    dont you worry im impressed by all of him lol (but i do sometimes have a tendency to come across as a bit flip) not necessarily always a bad thing i dont think??

    and of course i respect him


  32.  #32Ella on October 27, 2011 at 8:44 am


    What about respecting him for treating you well.

    Like ‘Oh I feel so impressed that you remembered I like those flowers/call me when you say you will…’ or whatever it is he does. ‘It feels so refreshing, I love it’

    Or something in your own words that feels good.

    I’m just playing with ideas here.

    I was CD-ing a man recently who is currently unemployed and feeling a bit down on his luck. I expressed respect for him when he said that he believes men should take the traditional lead role in relationships and also for his honesty, when he was able to tell me he was nervous to ask me out.

    What do you think?

  33.  #33ive no idea on October 27, 2011 at 8:51 am


    i like those ones as well

    you know sometimes its hard to think of feelings when the moment happens especially when youre only just starting to get the hang of them. its nice to have a few phrases stored up in the back of your mind that might come in useful

  34.  #34Camille on October 27, 2011 at 8:52 am

    I think thats it….it just dawned on me that many times when I am respecting him I say Thank you for………..Im sure it feels like appreciation to him. I think if I used more words like “impressed” “refreshing” “honored” not just the same old “Thank you” he may feel more respected.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 8:53 am

    From a Rori email

    We all feel insecure and unworthy at times, so it’s not so much what you believe about yourself at any given moment that makes the difference when you’re dealing with a man.

    So what is it that makes that difference?

    It’s what you CHOOSE to DO in that moment!

    And there are so many possibilities to choose from.

    Often, there are so many possibilities – sometimes it’s hard to choose.

    Let’s imagine a situation where we don’t like the way a man is treating us.

    We can do many different kinds of things.

    Even if we’re feeling horrible, upset, crying, angry enough to tear his heart out, frustrated enough to scream, frightened of losing him, we can still DO all kinds of different things.

    We can yell at him. We can tell him what an idiot he’s being, or how he doesn’t get us, or how he’s so afraid of intimacy he needs to see a therapist.

    We can stuff our feelings down and make an excuse for his behavior, smile and change the subject.

    We can get ourselves up and leave the room, the restaurant, the house, or the relationship.

    We can share with him simply how we feel, and that what has just happened is something we don’t want in our lives.

    We can take a break and go to the bathroom or the bedroom or the kitchen and collect ourselves.

    We can do all kinds of things.

    And some of those things make us feel powerless, and some of those things make us feel powerful!

    Most of us, even with all these choices, usually go with the same one we’ve always gone with.

    Some of us lash out, we can’t seem to help ourselves.

    And some of us shut down inside completely and stop feeling altogether.

    And many of us pretend everything is all right and work even harder to make the man (who just treated us badly) happier.

    So you see yourself in any of these?

    No matter what pattern you feel most stuck in, CHOOSING SOMETHING ELSE, even once, will change EVERYTHING for you.

    Because, the trick is – some of the choices of what to do or say that would actually make us feel the most POWERFUL are the ones that feel the most scary

  36.  #36sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Question feeling a bit distant..not stressed when normally I would be OH GOD I said no to him now that’s it when Im sitting her trying to think how I feel and nothing NADA is this bad?? Does it mean I have walls up again don’t feel hard feel soft or is this healing any advice Sirens?

  37.  #37sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 8:56 am

    * sorry really tired lol I meant now Im sitting here trying to think how I feel and nothing NADA! curiously strange!

  38.  #38sammie sighs on October 27, 2011 at 9:00 am

    #35 FW and you have just answered my question lol I would normally cry, wail like a banshie! But I didn’t I hadn’t hear from him so made plans choose to beleive he is probably busy and if not well not my business took a deep breath and did something else and then said No (in a sireny way) and that’s what feels strange I’m not angry, not stuffing down my feelings, realise he doesnt have to explain thats up to him….wow yeah lil bit scary but exciting!

  39.  #39Lyka on October 27, 2011 at 9:03 am

    I don’t know how you ladies feel about this one but I respect my man for standing up for himself and not allowing his neighbour to walk all over him.

  40.  #40Lyka on October 27, 2011 at 9:04 am

    I mean she tried to take advantage of his trust and he didn’t take it.

  41.  #41Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Camille I believing in asking so I sometimes ask guys what makes them feel respected. People are different and tend to experience things differently. Rori’s book also and her work identifies areas where they feel disrespected. Part of how I see it though is accepting their decisions or thinking. For instance if they say no about something rather than trying to convince of them my way of thinking I might just agree saying “you are right”. Or if I disagree tell them I was thinking of things another way but that I respect the way they say things. Saying the words help “I respect your decision, I respect your choice”. For instance if you give him a tie and he chooses to wear another one do not ask “why didn’t you”?

  42.  #42Ella on October 27, 2011 at 9:05 am

    POF profile I just saw from a guy who mailed me:

    About him: Rich, tall, dark and handsome, hollywood movie star seeks gullible stunner! No seriously I am a movies star. Just auditioned for the part of Jesus Christ – NAILED IT!! I was so convincing they want to see me again in 3 days. I have 2 kids, eight and thirteen – strange names for kids, I know!! I was raised by my father as my mum left before I was born… My uncle was a hypnotist who never inappropriately touched me!! When I was at school the kids used to push me and call me lazy – I loved that wheelchair! When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a large penis or a long memory. I forget my response…. But to be serious for a minute, I am well hung. I wasn’t circumcised, I was circum-navigated… Had many jobs over the years. I used to install mirrors which was a job I could always see myself doing. I quit my job as a psychic – I just couldn’t see any future in it. I also quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone! Also I’m a bit of a prefectionist. I don’t know where it all went wrong with me and my last girlfriend, or tubby as I called her. For some reason she had very low self esteem. Oh! and saggy tits, as I called her! Financially, I’m set for life…providing I die by next tuesday! Anyway I’m not getting any younger, so thought it best I join here. Only the other day I found my first grey pubic hair. I was a little shocked. But not as much as the other people in the lift!

    First Date: For me the best kind of dates are blind dates – so I can stare at their tits. I like my women how I like my wiskey…18 years old and mixed up with coke

  43.  #43Ella on October 27, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Went into moderation so I’ll try again.

    Here is a POF profile from a guy who just mailed me:

    Rich, tall, dark and handsome, hollywood movie star seeks gullible stunner! No seriously I am a movies star. Just auditioned for the part of J8sus Chr8st – NAILED IT!! I was so convincing they want to see me again in 3 days. I have 2 kids, eight and thirteen – strange names for kids, I know!! I was raised by my father as my mum left before I was born… My uncle was a hypnotist who never inappropriately touched me!! When I was at school the kids used to push me and call me lazy – I loved that wheelchair! When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a large penis or a long memory. I forget my response…. But to be serious for a minute, I am well hung. I wasn’t circumcised, I was circum-navigated… Had many jobs over the years. I used to install mirrors which was a job I could always see myself doing. I quit my job as a psychic – I just couldn’t see any future in it. I also quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone! Also I’m a bit of a prefectionist. I don’t know where it all went wrong with me and my last girlfriend, or tubby as I called her. For some reason she had very low self esteem. Oh! and saggy t8ts, as I called her! Financially, I’m set for life…providing I die by next tuesday! Anyway I’m not getting any younger, so thought it best I join here. Only the other day I found my first grey p8bic hair. I was a little shocked. But not as much as the other people in the lift!

    First Date: For me the best kind of dates are blind dates – so I can stare at their t7ts. I like my women how I like my wiskey…18 years old and mixed up with c9ke

  44.  #44Lyka on October 27, 2011 at 9:11 am

    OMG, Ella that’s pretty screwed up…

  45.  #45Ella on October 27, 2011 at 9:16 am

    FW re 35

    Thanks for that.

    Makes me feel a lot happier (and I was feeling pretty ok with it anyway) about my decision to share how I felt with CD1 about what he was offering me and say no to having it in my life…

    Funny and when I am putting my boundaries into place this phase pops into my head that a singer I used to know would often say.

    It’s ‘tuggy tuggy’ and to me it refers to the kinda pulling backwards and forwards when the relationship/dating dynamics of a relationship are being discovered.

    Also, its useful to me to remember that often times when I state a boundary, a man will need time to go and absorb that, take on board what I have said and let it sink it.

    He may need time to miss me.

    He can then decide whether he is willing and able to respect my boundary and step up for me in a way that feels good.

    He can then choose to either come back or not.

    Either way I’ve looked after myself.

    Although I may miss him… and even that usually fades pretty quickly these days.

    These days I look back with fondness on most of the men in my life.

  46.  #46starfish on October 27, 2011 at 9:17 am

    I went though a very short and intense relationship with a guy 6 months back. He finished it saying it was all too quick for him and that he was going back to his ex girlfriend.
    I didn’t get in contact, then 1 week ago I called him, He seemed keen to see me and we went and had dinner. He asked me to go hang out with him in a hottub after. I knew where this was going. We made out and then he dropped me home.

    We met up again a few days later and he kept telling me how wonderful i was and how he was so happy i turned up in his life again.
    we went for dinner and then I invited him back to mine. I was thinking we would kiss, cuddle and talk but as soon as he got back to mine we started making out and it became clear he wanted to have sex. I said on a few occassions” No ” I don;t want to have sex with you but in the heat of the moment I got carried away. It’s been a year and 5 months since I actually had intercourse with someone.
    After he kept talking about us hanging out and how much he liked me and wanted to spend time with me. And would he be seeing me in Hawaii this year. As I am only in his area until tomorrow and have been traveling a lot recently.
    Then last night we arranged to go for dinner again. I was getting scared to go any further with him because he pulled away last time so I was a little more held back.

    Anyway we had dinner and half way through the evening he tells me that he felt I premeditated us having sex together and that he needs to back off.
    I told him I had \no intention of having sex with him and that when we had hung out before we had not had sex and had just cuddled and I was open to that but that I had got carried away in the moment.
    He said I feel like you want to move in with me and settle down. I said wow I’m not sure how you got that impression but I’m leaving tomorrow to go to florida and have no intention of settling down with you. I thought it was funny because I made no comment when he mentioned Hawaii as I don’t know where I will end up being in a few days let alone in a few months.
    Anyway he dropped me home and then kept asking me when he would see me again. I kept saying I don’t know as I’m gonna be traveling. He kept cuddling me and we had a little kiss and then I went.
    When I got home I sat own and all the anger and hurt came up to the surface,
    So I wrote him a email. I haven’t sent it yet, thought I might get some feedback from you guys

    I got home and let everything you said to me last night sink in.
    And I had a few things to respond to you.
    I did like you and was open to exploring things with you although slowly.
    But I never once made any mention of a future with you where as you made several references to a future with me talking about what a strong connection we have had and refering to spending time together in Maui. I never once replied to this or said anything in return as we had only just met up. And I am not open to rushing anything with you. I am also very clear about not wanting to give anyone the wrong impression.
    I regret having sex with you now and wondered if you would pull back after. as this is what happened last time we met.
    I’m a little over the mixed messages you give out and really want to be with someone who clearly likes me as I think I’m a freakin great Woman. I am also looking for a man who knows himself and is clear he wants me in his life.
    you were not some innocent victim who I lured into my bedroom and in fact I really wasn’t interested in having sex with you that night. It’s not where I am in my life and coming is not the be all of the world to me. We shared some sweet time together before without having sex and I thought a nice kiss and cuddle would be fine. I stated on a few occasions that I didn’t want to have sex with you. And I’m very very sorry that I got carried away in the moment.
    I’m really looking for a man who has the ability to say NO
    I’m not looking for a guy who on one hands says oh I want to check this out and the next moment says go away
    I don’t think it’s a good idea to hang out again. I think your a sweet guy, but it feels like a bad idea
    I wish you the best of luck on your journey

    I am scared to send it. It feels like I am closing the door but I don’t want to have to go through this again.
    And no I have not been circular dating as it is uncomfortable for me
    I’d apprecaite your thoughts on whether to send it or not

  47.  #47Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 9:44 am

    How To Talk To A Guy During Rough Times:

    Sometimes, the men in our lives seem awfully quiet.

    It’s like they’re distant, distracted, and much too focused on things like work or his hobbies.

    And when you ask him what’s wrong, he shrugs off your worry and tells you he’s “fine.”

    (Of course, you know he’s not!)

    But here’s the thing — if you press the issue, and keep asking him until he tells you what’s REALLY bothering him, you’re actually making things worse.

    While you think you’re trying to help him, he’ll actually think you’re NAGGING him — and nagging never helped anything in history!

    Here’s the reason why some men suddenly go quiet, and then tell you everything’s “fine.” It’s likely true that something IS bothering him, but he’s simply not ready or willing to talk to you about it.

    That’s why nagging him about it won’t help, but instead even cause arguments!

    So here’s my tip — don’t nag him or push the issue, even when you think something’s seriously wrong.

    Instead, just remind him that if anything IS bothering him, he can always come to talk to you about it.

    It’s much less pressure on him, and he may even consider your offer and open up later!


    And here’s the clincher — sometimes, men make promises they don’t keep. And most of the time, we make the mistake of thinking there’s something wrong with him.

    Here’s the thing — there are times when his failure to keep his promises means there’s something wrong with YOU!

    It’s like this — when he doesn’t follow through on the big promises, such as meeting your parents, scheduling your weekly dates, or making sure your marriage plans are going smoothly, then he DOES have a problem.

    But when he doesn’t follow through on the small promises — such as cleaning the sink, having the roof fixed, or buying the groceries — it means that YOU might be the problem!


  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for the lessons which I will develop from the three 75-year old women. Bless them. Thank you.


  49.  #49Lyka on October 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Good for you, SLV! You get a chance to participate and be heard.

  50.  #50Starla on October 27, 2011 at 10:32 am

    This post is perfect timing! I think Crack Fix is doing #2. I can sense he is trying to figure out if/when the right time is to get exclusive and serious with me.

    I want to question him, get an explanation for why he’s not called me all week (he did text some sweet and thoughtful things to me), etc. I feel anxious and forgotten. Yet, I am dating other men, and I know I will see Crack Fix tomorrow.

    As much as I fear being made a fool, I know in my heart that ‘time will tell.’ For now I will just see how he handles it.

    I feel scared, though..the more I CD others, the less urgent it feels that Crack Fix and I be together. It is scary to think I won’t ‘end up’ with him like i’ve been fantasizing. But comforting to know I’ll end up with the right man for me!

    I had a lunch CD today with Alaska but I had to reschedule…so we’re meeting up this evening after I get a nice manicure:) I like him very much!!

  51.  #51Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 10:35 am

    I have no idea (the person) hi!

    Just wanted to say sometimes when a CD tells abt his day or something he did that u think is genuinely impressive u can say wow that sounds pretty awesome. I also feel good when I pick something they did that just stands out 2 me and say “I like how you……..I think that’s pretty cool.” Or “I appreciate the way u……” Also my “ex turned CD” is pretty built so I always comment like omg your thighs are so huge! Or I like your muscular arms!! Or omg!! Everytime u pick me up n hold me in the air with one strong arm I jst feel so tiny and precious like Tinkerbell lol or Thumbelina!!

  52.  #52FlowerChild77 on October 27, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I’m way behind on the blog….but just checked in and I’m wondering in post #14 from FW–

    What is the #1 thing men need?


  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 11:14 am

    @47: Lyka says:
    “…Good for you, SLV! You get a chance to participate and be heard….”

    What do you mean by “get a chance” and “to participate” or “and be heard?”

    What “chance?” “Participate” how? “Heard” where? Sounds interesting but I don’t know what these refer to. Please clue me in to what you’re talking about.


  54.  #54Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 11:18 am


    I took a second look at what your wrote. Maybe it’s not interesting. It looks kind of weird. Is it some kind of insult. Do you think I DON’T participate here on the blog? I post almost everyday? Do you mean that you consider what I write “unheard” and “unacknowledged” and I need some other kind of “chance” beyond the normal one.

    yeah, I want to read and explanation but.. must go pick up my children so I hope something good is hear when I return…

    Will I have to say “Yikes????!!!” Or “Yuck” /// I’m hoping it’s not some condescending horse pucky.


  55.  #55Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    I do feel pretty awful seeing guys besides Crack Fix, for various reasons

  56.  #56Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    I guess I just lean back and see what happens.

    I feel really scared.

  57.  #57Susan on October 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    RE: 16: Camille says:

    “What are some other things to say that portray Respect to a man???”

    I think it is situational. When my guy does something I think he did well, I’m likely to say “Wow! I admire how you handled that!” When he disagrees with me on how to do or say something and he is right, I am likely to say “Thank you for opening my eyes to another approach to this issue. You obviously have experience in these things, and I trust your judgement” I believe responding to actual situations as they come up with respectful statements is a good way convey respect to a man.

  58.  #58Sweetpea on October 27, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Re: respecting a man and specifically what he would like to be respected for- I suspect he’d probably like to be respected for whatever it is I respect him for. The same as I’m not particularly picky about what he loves me for. It feels good to be loved, whatever it’s for- so long as it’s genuine. I know guys think differently than we do, but I feel serious doubt that the form my respect takes makes a huge difference.

    As far as how to express it, for me, I would start much the same place I do with my feelings. i.e. Reach into myself and discover, specifically, what it is that I respect about him. Then say something like, “you know, I repect you so much.” Then name off a couple of the things I respect about him. I might even incorporate, “I respect that,” into our conversations (I don’t do this now, but I think it may be a good thing to start.

  59.  #59Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I feel like if I open up to him then I am too easy, and if I don’t, I’m shutting him out.

  60.  #60Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Gosh, I am feeling sad that I’m not doing anything for halloween it seems. It’s my favoritest ‘holiday’ out of the year. Maybe I should keep it open and see what comes up? Not sure if that is an optimistic thing or a pathetic thing to do, haha.

  61.  #61Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Sorry, to explain further, I have an opportunity to meet with another Siren for her wardrobe/organizing consulting services on Monday (halloween, for which I have no plans), or I could leave it open and see if something comes up. But if I end up sitting at home doing nothing at all, and not meeting with this siren, I am going to feel depressssed.

    Maybe tomorrow on my date, or tonight on my date with the other guy, I will mention that I’m feeling sad that I don’t have any halloween plans and see what happens.

  62.  #62Camille on October 27, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    what would you like to do for Halloween?

  63.  #63Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I’d like to put in my sexy little vampire teeth and makeup and do anything… go to a haunted house, a scary movie, pass out candy to kids (though I live in an apartment and so do all my CDs, hehe).

  64.  #64Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Here’s Need #1:


    No surprise there, right? After all, we women want happy relationships too!

    What do you do when the relationship starts to make you feel miserable? If you’re a smart woman, you’ll want to walk out the door!

    Apparently, the same thing goes for men — when he’s unhappy, or when he’s feeling under pressure, or when he feels small and unappreciated, then he’ll look
    elsewhere for his happiness.

    That’s why in some cases I consider the idea that a man’s infidelity s the effect of a broken relationship, not the cause!

    So do you want to increase the chances of keeping the relationship strong? Then try to make it a happy one for the both of you.

    The more you find your happiness in being together, the less you’ll try to find your happiness elsewhere!

    I know there are men out there who do too little to make the relationship work, but don’t stoop to their level. Do your part anyway. And if they STILL don’t appreciate you, then they obviously don’t deserve you!

    It’s time to find a man who appreciates you and works just as hard, if not harder, to make the relationship a happy place.

  65.  #65Camille on October 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    And you would like one of your CD’s to share that with you?

  66.  #66Camille on October 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Sorry Starla, just read your previous post where you clarified……….

  67.  #67Camille on October 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Halloween just gets fun when its late……….how long would your consult take? Maybe you can have both!

  68.  #68Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm


    Finally, men need women who know how relationships work. These are the women who know how to handle both the good times and the bad.

    Unfortunately, many women want all the good but none of the bad!

    Too many of us simply don’t know how to handle a relationship. To many women, men are “mysteries” that can’t be explained!

    These are the women who say, “All men are the same” — and obviously, these are the women who let their misconceptions and closed-mindedness ruin their relationships.

    When you can’t (or won’t) understand his side of things, then arguments will ALWAYS crop up! Ever had a big fight with your boyfriend or husband that started out as a tiny, silly misunderstanding?

    Think of those arguments happening almost everyday — that’s what’s likely to happen if you don’t accept the fact that men act, think, and feel differently from us. Sad but true!

    But when you totally understand your man, you’ll understand why he acts, reacts, thinks, and feels the way he does.

    No nasty surprises, no misconceptions, and no misunderstandings to hurt your relationship… wouldn’t that be great?

  69.  #69Starla on October 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    63 camille,
    YES! :):) Or at least be with available men. Cuz I’ll be lookin sexy:)

  70.  #70Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    “And you know how the saying goes — we fear what we don’t understand.

    And what does fear lead to?

    You got it — anger!”


  71.  #71Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Have you noticed that we’re all about LOVE and COMMUNITY?

    One of the huge benefits we received from last summer’s Love On Purpose Revolution is to be part of an amazing community that wants to support YOU in having Love. Heart opening, soul fulfilling, the real deal LOVE!

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    One third of all couples are only considered ‘semi-happy’ …

    Most couples have resigned themselves to ambivalent, bland relationships full of unspoken secrets and unmet needs …

    But it doesn’t have to be that way!

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  72.  #72Camille on October 27, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I say you go do something fun and dress up sexy for Halloween regardless!!! Let the crypt open……..watch out here comes Starla!

  73.  #73Camille on October 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    In fact dressing up sexy for Halloween sounds really fun. I have always dressed up “funny” or “scary” this could be a great opportunity to be a sexy vixen and not be self concious about it because its Halloween. OOOOhhh I just may have to do that!~ Thanks Starla for the train of thought!

  74.  #74Femininewoman on October 27, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    The bride was stunning, the groom beaming, and one of the highlights of the ceremony for me was a recital of Sarah’s all-time favorite Dr. Seuss poem that expressed the depth and the whimsy of the happy couple:

    I will love you in the park, and I will love you in the dark.
    I will love you through good or bad,
    When you’re happy and when your sad.
    I will love you when you’re rich or when you’re poor and in a ditch
    And I will have and I will hold,
    Ten years from now a thousand fold.
    And now we’re here at this new start,
    So I’ll start by loving you with my whole heart.

    For those of you in serious love manifestation process, it’s always a good idea to begin creating some ideas of what your wedding day will include. What music do you want to dance to? What will the cake taste like? Is it a daytime or nighttime affair?

    Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,


  75.  #75Lucy on October 27, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Thank you all so much for your help on last thread!!! Don’t have time/computer atm to give details of how it worked out SO beautifully… I used elements of all the advice rec’d and the response was MAGIC! more love, more closeness, more feel-good energy balance. Rori and all of you and this work are truly remarkable – this is really really really good stuff. Trust it! <3

  76.  #76Starla on October 27, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    yay, lucy, this fills me with great happiness. I love it! thank you for sharing

  77.  #77Camille on October 27, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    cant wait for all the juicy details! Love it when sirens share success stories………..feeling all warm and fuzzy!

  78.  #78ive no idea on October 27, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    emotion #49

    im always thinking in my head how wonderful the things my man does are, and the things he says to me sometimes, but i cant always get the words out to tell him. by the time ive realised what it is i want to say the moment has passed and weve moved on to something else. i tend to back track when we are in a quiet moment like ‘when you did/said…’ it seeems to have the same effect,i get pulled a little closer or he reaches out to touch me

    i am getting better i think

  79.  #79Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    OMG Ella this man is a comedian! Made my day!! Thanks for sharing

  80.  #80Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    I have no idea 🙂 yes. U def are. Sometimes I find it hard to show appreciation because some men are so modest they can’t take a compliment lol. I feel good doing it though and even the modest men blush!

  81.  #81Ella on October 27, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I love the success stories too, they help me stick with it when I am feeling doubtful and scared.

    Glad it worked out Lucy…


  82.  #82Lucy on October 27, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I don’t believe in that love/respect gender dichotomy thing. And FW hits the nail on the head in #41 – it is more about *actually Respecting* him rather than “expressing” it. Men will feel a greater need for respect than for love 1) when they are currently Not being respected or 2) when they have triggers around respect due to not being respected in the past (often by others). Absolutely the same with women. And the same goes for feeling a greater need for love than respect, for both genders.

  83.  #83Ella on October 27, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Oww, I am having a spate of men contacting me and then asking for my opinion about their profiles or their online dating skills…

    Err, dudes please! I am not a man’s dating coach!!!

    Hmmm, now there’s an idea… maybe I COULD offer them online coaching to get successful with online dating…


    But for now I am just feeling a bit annoyed and put off, like don’t contact me and ask me how to attract other women!!


    Grrr, I feel cross.

    One man who has flowed in and out online several times now came back the other day with an e-mail and was asking me how it was going and had I met anyone… and then jokingly asking for any horror stories.

    Well I won’t get into that with men, it doesn’t feel good.

    So I said I don’t feel comfortable discussing it and he asked why and pushed me…

    And I still said no.

    And now he has gone again.


    Oh well whatever. Feels a bit boring really. Like dude, how do you not get this? It does not create intimacy to be talking about our experiences of other people… I want it to be all about you and me and our shared experiences!!!

  84.  #84Lyka on October 27, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    SLV – #54:

    No, it’s not an insult, only my own insecurities speaking. Don’t mind me and please ignore the above post. I’m sorry I posted that.

  85.  #85luzydel on October 27, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Do all men pull out after the three/Four month stage?

    Mr. Nice CD and I are reaching that stage and I am starting to get a bit cautious. He has not give me any sign of it though. Many years a go I a few long term BF’s years ago and they did not “pull out” after three months. Is this something new? Does that means that now days people are just going to date with out getting seriously involve?

  86.  #86Ella on October 27, 2011 at 2:19 pm


    I have also heard people talk about the 6 month itch… and also about men pulling away at a year, and a year and a half…

    Then there is the mid life crisis… etc etc.

    I imagine with the right man it won’t matter.

    Also Rori’s tools will help.

    I wouldn’t worry if I was you.


  87.  #87Ella on October 27, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Lots of HOT men contacting me on POF at the moment.

    It feels good that I am attracting in good looking men now.

    Maybe I will actually get to go on some real dates with them too soon.

  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    @84: Lyka says:
    “…SLV – #54:
    No, it’s not an insult, only my own insecurities speaking. Don’t mind me and please ignore the above post. I’m sorry I posted that…”

    Me too. Perhaps you’ve had this opinion before and I didn’t notice. I’ll do something with it next week, busy right now (I noticed a few homophonic typos in my hurried post)

  89.  #89Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Maybe “The Unheard Chronicles” would be good.

    Something like that. 😀

  90.  #90Ella on October 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Owww, Sirens, look what I found!

    The Feeling Food Blog, Recipes for food made with love!!


  91.  #91Daria on October 27, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    i just did
    something really big for me

    i asked a man for help

    not just fake boost his ego help

    but help me help.

    the kind of help i feel embarassed and terrified to ask for.

    This guy was coming to take me out to lunch.

    and i left my phone in last nights date’s car.
    i don’t have his number to call him, and he only has my phone that is in his car’s number.

    so, i wanted to get a battery for my old phone and have it switched over

    so i asked todays date

    would he help me to get a new battery and switch my phone?

    he did help me

    oh the tension that i felt in my body throughout.

    he was nice and supportive

    i felt so uptight

    but the pelvis open helped me feel those feelings

    USUALLY, i would go all in my head, and all fake and overthe top expressing thanks for soemthing like this. I would think that the person thinks im a horrible icky horrible person.

    it just felt bad all around

    but not this time

    i actually connected with this man

    it was actually ok

    he didn’t think i was a ‘user’

    i don’t know what he thought

    but he liked me

    and my phone is now on

    i feel so excited about how my world is opening up now

  92.  #92Daria on October 27, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    He wants to take me on Carribean cruise next weekend.

    I might go. 🙂

  93.  #93Daria on October 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I want to say without hesitation that the purpose of our life is happiness. ~14th Dalai Lama ♥

    The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~ Mother Teresa

  94.  #94Daria on October 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    this guy was older he is like in his 50’s

    i remember when the other older guy who wanted to be my friend and to help me with s\tuff showed up. and i said a firm NO when he proposed something that didn-t feel good. and got out of the car and left and didn’t take anymore of his calls ever. tho he apologized. i still didn’t feel good.

    i was really tense asking him for help

    well now, after my NO…

    this awesome way better older guy shows up !

    this is so just like everything in this dating magic

    i love my life

    im feeling sleepy right nwo…

  95.  #95Daria on October 27, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    “Even if we’re feeling horrible, upset, crying, angry enough to tear his heart out, frustrated enough to scream, frightened of losing him, we can still DO all kinds of different things.

    We can yell at him. We can tell him what an idiot he’s being, or how he doesn’t get us, or how he’s so afraid of intimacy he needs to see a therapist.”

    i kinda did this last nite. i felt so angry and upset and heartachy

    i told him sort of what an idiot he’s being – in other words – and how he doesn’t get me


    then i felt bad

    babysteps babysteps

    i did apologize

  96.  #96tinque on October 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    starfish – Please don’t send this. It’s too long. It’s full of pointing fingers, and even if you changed it all into feeling messages, it won’t solve a single thing. It wo’t even make you feel better.

    Let it go. Let him go.


  97.  #97Ella on October 27, 2011 at 3:22 pm


    I agree with Tinque…

    From the girl who has sent a good few of those type of e-mails in my time, and regretted it every single time.

    Maybe try reading Rori’s post about no closure instead.


  98.  #98Ella on October 27, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Daria re 94


    hat feels really positive.

    I love how our ‘No’s’ prompt the Universe to then bring us better.

    And I loved what you said the other day how men show up to test our new boundaries… makes a lot of sense.

    🙂 xx

  99.  #99Daria on October 27, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Ella – i love that POF guy’s profile! omg its so funny it made me feel smily 🙂


  100.  #100Ella on October 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    Starfish re 46,

    Do you have Rori’s book? I think it could help you a lot.


  101.  #101R.N.AmazingMe on October 27, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Hello sirens….just checkin in. Still single, no dates, but I am not putting myself out there so it is expected. Unless there is a tree in my back yard or the store with men growing on it…lol. So we are having a Halloween party for the kids. Wow what a job my mom got us into. It is a lot and easy to go overboard with it. They will have a blast but setting up and cleaning up is the worst yuck..ha. It will be fun, so I have decided to where this really pretty long,puffy taffeta and black skirt with coreset like top. I am going to wear a black veil and white bouquet with a big black flower in center. I figured why not express how I feel sometimes. Which is single, dying dressed all up in my wedding dress and never a groom to claim me. Called a corpse bride is the look anyway. It will be pretty cool and everything I had here no money spent. That nice! Sounds depressing but I don’t think that will be me really just how I feel at this moment and thougfht i would have fun with it. There are going to be like 14 kids and thier parents and some family and neighbors….wow.

  102.  #102Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    @467: VW

    Awww, {{{{{huggaroonies to VW}}}}}

    “Huggaroonies” is made up word I used the other day with my grandchildren.

    = big hugs and little hugs together…

    While I’m at it, I’ll give myself a few huggaroonies too…


  103.  #103Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    @492: nanceen says:
    “…He is a grown man with a Phd
    Maybe BS stands for bullshit
    and Phd stands for piled higher and deeper…”

    ROFL 😆 Probably… there’s a lot of that going around…


  104.  #104Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Admiring Rori’s banner ad… on YouTube.



  105.  #105VW on October 27, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    aww, thank u SLV …i am indeed awfully needy of huggaroonies…

    warm hugs,

  106.  #106lm on October 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    one of my CDs wants to take me to mexico for christmas! rory’s tools are amazing!!

  107.  #107VW on October 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    I am feeling awfully down…:( headache, heartache…back pain around my neck…not sure, i might be getting sick too…:(

    i feel like an addict getting off of drugs…:(

    i am taking a break…from dating…all together…

    holidays are approaching…i need peace of mind and heart…i have so many things to take care of this year…many decisions…a clear mind is a must…:(


  108.  #108Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    @105: VW says:
    “…aww, thank u SLV …i am indeed awfully needy of huggaroonies…
    warm hugs,…”

    You’re welcome. I enjoyed the warm hugs too! Here’s some more warmth for both of us… 😀

    The Pajama Game – Steam Heat


  109.  #109VW on October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    oh, wow SLV…. i love it…never seen it before…i love the oldies…awesome dancing and musicals…thank u, thank u …:)

    warm hugs,

  110.  #110starfish on October 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Tingue and Ella,
    Too late I revised it and sent it to him. I am not open to this anymore and did not want to leave a space for him to come back into my life. It would only lead to more heartache for me.
    I don’t blame where he is at I just want to be clear where I am coming from. I am worried that I did the wrong thing but I did it and there’s no going back. I love this guy but I love me more. It took so long for it to be moderated. I eventually sent it. Oh course I don’t feel better but I didn’t think I would.

  111.  #111Butterfly wings on October 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Oops posted in old thread. Here it is again… The sad story of my life…! 😛

    TH came over last night for a talk. He told me to not hold back and I could yell and scream at him as much as I like.

    There was no yelling and screaming but I did let him have it. I let it all out!

    He eventually got really upset (he was trying to hide it but i could tell) and I didn’t feel guilty. But I did feel compassion for him.

    In the end I decided that if last night was going to be our last night together then I wanted it to end on a good note.

    So we were lying in bed and I didn’t reach out for him, then he finally reached over and held me tight. I love it so much when he holds me like that…

    And then we had s*x and it was amazing as usual and finished with cuddles. This morning we did it again then I had to leave for work. I asked him to lock up when he goes and that is probably it for us, although he’s insisting on buying me something special for my birthday…

    I feel so sad and tears are welling up in my eyes as I think of this but I now feel hope for my future which won’t have him in it.

    I’m going to miss him so much in the meantime though…

  112.  #112rose on October 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    incredible timing. a guy i’ve been seeing for 2 months just vanished. i actually googled him to make sure he’s not dead (jury’s still out on that one). i’m sad and want to blame myself for the disappearance, but everything seemed fine and the last text message he sent me was a sexy one. just going to give him his space. don’t quite know how to phrase my disappointment if and when he contacts me again. thankfully i’ve been circular dating, but it still stings. because i thought he really liked me.

  113.  #113Daria on October 27, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    i have a CD now with that one guy that seemed really stable and down to earth! yay! in one hour…

    we’re going to sushi and then go-cart racing

    im gonna ask him to stop at the dollar store to see if there’s a charger for my phone…

  114.  #114Esteemed on October 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm


    You repeatedly amaze me with the profound articles you write! You can comprehend circles around most psychologists or psychiatrists! How do you out do yourself time and time again?!?! 😀

  115.  #115Esteemed on October 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    My crowning moment has come! After 5 months of living in the homes of friends, saturday I will officially move into my new house! MYYYYY House!!

    Friends have surrounded me and blessed me with a rental truck and 5 people who are going to help me move! 1 of them is Lucy! 🙂 Thank you Lucy!

    In other news, I have been sucked into the politics at my new job, Despite my best efforts not to! Today a woman got in my face And treated me with out right disrespect. I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I think she was being vindictive because I went over her head the day before, after her trying to go over my supervisors head. Long story.

    I felt instantly angry. She threw a document on my desk and enter my personal space, practically yelling at me about something that wasn’t my fault.
    Worries tools are starting to become second nature, or at least my brain scrambles for a feeling message as fast as I can… before my irish temper takes over and I start yelling and swearing! Grrrrowwellll!

    So I looked at her belligerently, And I said I feel pressured. I’m not going to take on a guilt trip just because your company has antiquated documentation practices!

    Okay there was making her wrong and placing blame… that stuff comes out so easily when you’re riled! All I know is I did not deserve the kind of disrespect she was dishing out.

    She was ordering me around rudely, And I just stared into her eyes, clamping my mouth shut not say anything else. She stomped off and went and paged my department head. And I wasn’t even worried about it because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

    So now I’m gonna have to be on my guard, as I get more experience using feeling messages in a real life situation.

    Even though I haven’t been on the blog much, I’ve been reading your messages as much as I can In between my moving And working.

    So many sirens are sounding so strong! Violet I absolutely love what you posted about an hour ago! The part about it taking 55 years to learn how to just be concerned about yourself and not wait and wait for a man to fit you into his schedule. I’m getting there too, Baby steps.

    What I’m working with right now is NJ. Yep, This a new jersey that I’ve been talking with on the phone for about 7 months! He is coming to help me move on saturday, and I invited him to stay overnight friday night,since he is coming from 2 and a half hours away.

    He said yes, But he said he had 4 night vision and asked me to meet him about a half hour away from my temp home. Normally I would say sure! It did not feel natural for me to say I’ve got a really packed schedule with moving. I asked him to come all the way. I’m willing to meet him in my town, But why should I have to drive a half hour away? It’s hard for me to say no when the whole reason he is coming is the help me.

    He said that Someone was on the other line and he would have to call me back. I don’t know yet is that was just his way of getting off the phone. Baby steps.

  116.  #116Esteemed on October 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Please excuse the typos… I’m using voice recognition on my android. Sometimes words are hidden on the screen. I don’t see them until they are printed.

  117.  #117maria on October 27, 2011 at 8:08 pm


    This was right on time and PERFECT! Thank You!

  118.  #118Esteemed on October 27, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Wow are not I chatty tonight?!

  119.  #119Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    FW #14 You mentioned saying to a man “You’re working so hard.”


    I love this. I have said something similar to Recycled and he was wagging his tail like a happy puppy! It made me feel so good that he felt good.

    Even more interesting is that he texted me almost those exact words the other day in reply to my text…I told him I felt needy and pouty and just wanted some words of encouragement, and he texted back that I was a hard worker and congrats on my accomplishments (I just got a promotion, passed a pretty tough certification, etc.).
    Then he also said he’d been busy with work and ended with a friendly cute little code word that we use…
    It was kind of funny he was treating me like a man sort of??? Like something he’d want someone to say to him?

    In other news…have houseguests right now and not liking it so much. 🙁

  120.  #120Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    I had 2 cd’s pop back out of the woodwork! Both want to see me but I feel LUKEWARM about both…but suppose I will go anyhow…

    Also been thinking about a CD that I blew off about six months ago…I keep thinking about him. I don’t have his contact info anymore tho. 🙁

  121.  #121Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    I told one of my cd’s over text that i felt smiley seeing his text…he initiated after not talkign for a couple weeks and sent me a text…
    he responded back “if you feel smiley reading my text, how would it feel to see me?” I was not sure how to reply…comments sirens?? suggestions? Ideas?

    I feel thankful for my cd’s and the message they will bring me…….

  122.  #122Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    my other cd replied back saying it feels nice to read my email! I was all feeling messagey in my correspondence with him….LOL and he kinda copied me…. these guys are cute and funny. hee hee…giggle…. 😀

  123.  #123Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    112 Rose … (((HUGS)))
    I have a hard time with this too. I had a cd that I only met once do that…and it was really odd. It is even harder if you’ve been seeing them for a while. 🙁

  124.  #124Starla on October 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    I have been thinking more about this part of Rir’s post, as it is where I’m at right now:

    “2. He’s hit the point – likely at 3 or 4 months of dating you (the classic timeframe for this) – where he’s thinking about what to do with you and the relationship.

    He’s struggling within himself to decide whether he wants to go further and marry you – or bail.”

    So does this basically mean we go into ‘wait and see’ mode? But then if he has, indeed, “hit that point,” what we’ll be seeing is his withdrawal as he “struggles within himself to decide whether he wants to go further and marry you – or bail.” Then what we’re seeing is turning us off or making us feel insecure, and by the time he says, “Hey I was thinking about it a lot and I want to be exclusive with you,” we don’t even want to commit to him because we don’t wanna sign up for that sort of withdrawal.

    I mean, if Crack Fix showed up to our date tomorrow night and wanted to get exclusive, I would want to say no because i feel disconnected from him between our face-to-face encounters, and i don’t like it so i don’t want to sign up for more of that.

    Yet, in my heart I feel good about giving him space, because if i needed something he would be there for me….he’s just not leaning forward. and i would want the same respect. as triggering as it is to be on the receiving end of that.

  125.  #125Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    My CD that was using feeling messages back to me is so sweet…not conventionally cute…but nice and smart too…
    He emailed me and asked where I’d like to go…and that he wants to make sure and take me somewhere I enjoy! How sweet! Gawsh I’m having writers block and don’t even know how to start my email reply…choke choke…
    I mean I suppose I’d like to go to dinner with him but should I just say ” I feel open to having dinner with you, perhaps sushi or…??”

  126.  #126Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    sometimes I feel so “dumb” like my mind goes totally blank..is this a defense mechanism? It happens at work sometimes too. 🙄

  127.  #127Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    where is laughing goddess

  128.  #128Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    I had to do some public speaking tonight and I did ok. I am proud of me. My colleague told me I did a good job. I was nervous a lil bit but not too much. 🙂

  129.  #129Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    hi Starla..your crack fix sounds a bit like my Recycled CD….
    Good job leaning back..you inspire me.

    I’m listening to a great song right now…its a love song…old school…don’t know the name tho.

    I forgot what I named my young CD…my little Usher look alike! He’s so cute and yummy 😯

    But has a crappy job…LOL

  130.  #130Starla on October 27, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Emerson, sometimes I just drop the convo and answer later or the next day, when I don’t feel like I’m “on” and “performing” in real time. That’s an awesome luxury of text based communications!

  131.  #131Starla on October 27, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Emerson, 128 – it’s been a while since I’ve read up on anything about you and Recycled. What’s new?

  132.  #132Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Recycled went from being really into me and leaning forward to practically being MIA…
    Before, he was making all kinds of time to see me,,,etc…being lovey dovey…

    I agreed to sex (I just felt like it…but it was a
    mistake…) then just about poofed after we had sex.
    🙁 We had a great weekend together so I don’t know what happened. It had been a long time since I had sex with him….he’s been really looking yummy to me so I wanted it, but my feelings were involved. Major trigger for me..

    I just went with it, kept busy with work and CDing…I was leaning back and giving him “space” and responding with feeling messages when he would (rarely) reach out…but then I expressed that it felt bad…to be suddenly not in contact after consistently spending time together for abotu a month or so.

    And he got upset with me and defensive. I veered from feeling messages and got upset with him too…and we had coffee together once since then… and he wanted to have sex and I said no, no more sex because it felt off….and I don’t want to have sex with someone who I am just casual with…he said he respects that but now hes just floating away from me…so it seems… 🙁

    I feel like I F$%ked up but whatevs…he’s just practice too.

    Sorry for such a long answer.

  133.  #133Starla on October 27, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    No need to apologize:)

    Thank you for sharing!

  134.  #134Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    YW starla. 🙂 thansk for asking!

  135.  #135Starla on October 27, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    I feel a great deal of faith that if I just lean back and let these men lead, everything will work out how it should.

    I am CDing a lot in the meantime!

  136.  #136Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    I just texted UsherCD back saying it would feel nice to see him…(he asked me) and he texted back, literally,

    LOL I think he’s never met a siren that uses that word alot. hahaha lol lol lol lol

    I’m not sure what to say back, but I think it’s funny. LOL

  137.  #137Emerson on October 27, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I just texted back “yes”.


  138.  #138Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    So…. I have a question! How leany forward is it if I feel bad for a CD who just had surgery n decide 2 buy him a card n some candy?

  139.  #139Starla on October 27, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I feel in my heart that there is really nothing malicious or truly worrisome in anything Crack Fix does, and this deep peace that I can let him go a few days with only texting instead of calling if he’s in his head and doesn’t feel like calling. If I wanted to talk to him on the phone that bad, I could tell him and he would happily oblige, and he texts me sweet nothings every day or 2, and he asks if I need anything (he has a car and i don’t) so he is not withdrawing entirely… i say let the man have his phone-space. especially as he probably really is trying to figure out what he wants to do with our dating relationship. I know that the romantic ideal is for him to say ‘i didn’t wait and see that this was sustainable and we’d have a reasonable shot at being happy, because i just ‘know’ we will be.’ But that crap is for the movies. I’d rather just go on being myself and letting him do the same until empirical evidence has led us to the conclusion that this is as wise of a match as it is one with great chemistry.

    this is the first man i have ever dated that i care about not controlling, and it actually comes naturally to let go of controlling him (most of the time). I just feel at peace most of the time and i know that if something really does bother me as we settle into being closer (we’re at the 3 or 4 month mark), i can speak up about it and it will be safe and good for me to do it. I really trust him and myself and I don’t feel disconnected from him after processing all this in this comment.

    But if I’m wrong about this one, I am dating mucho guys! hehe

  140.  #140Emoticon on October 27, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Starla that sounds completely reasonable

  141.  #141Starla on October 27, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    137 emoticon
    i think that qualifies as very lean forwardy, to answer your question.

  142.  #142Starla on October 27, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    My date with Alaska tonight was not the best…I had high hopes though. I am going to give it some more dates before i truly judge him. I think he was really nervous and probably will continue to be for a few dates. I intimidate the crap out of him (in the best way possible) and it’s bringing out my masculine side and his feminine side, so i feel really good about the opportunity to practice staying in feminine energy even in scenarios like this one. i noticed that when i focused on staying in fem energy, he would be in masculine.

    he is also funny and smart and likes a lot of the quirky stuff i like, which feels so fun to be around.

  143.  #143English Woman on October 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    #83 Ella

    Maybe you could charge them a fee for fixing up their profiles or offer your services as a dating coach? 🙂

  144.  #144English Woman on October 27, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    #140 Starla

    Really? It is lean forwardy to buy a card and candy for a CD that just had surgery?

    Wow I sure have a lot to learn, I thought that was just a kind gesture…………..hhhmmmmmm

  145.  #145Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:13 am

    a kind gesture is great for friends in our lives but not in a dating situation


    because we build that Romantic connection by allowing the man to give to us… so He could be the giver

    any kinda giving on our part kinda diminishes that, it’s like EW, we are turning the card and candy stuff he is doing for us, Towards him

    like he has become the woman now

    its kinda emasculating

    like mommying, babying him…

    instead of being the receiver

    our part of the relationship is to be a great receiver. that is what he wants from us

    and giving him stuff is not being a good receiver, its like we abandoned our part of the relationship now

  146.  #146Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:36 am

    Emerson – oh… 🙂

    Don’t suggest sushi, don’t suggest anything.

    you can say “that would feel great :)” or some version of that 🙂

  147.  #147Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:38 am

    Emerson – my mind used to go blank as a defense mechanism. I just this moment realized that hasn’t happened to me in … a long time.


    it was what i wanted to heal!


  148.  #148Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:42 am

    so interesting to me thinking about the card and candy for hospital guy

    it would actually come across cold, like treating him like any other friend, like he’s not important

    not important enough to be received as a romantic partner

    very cool stuff i ‘see’ tonite

  149.  #149Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:50 am

    Emerson – oops i thought that was for the first guy who asked how would it feel to see him…

    well if a man asks what you would like you can say like “sushi would feel great…”

    or “i feel good with whatever you decide :)”

  150.  #150Daria on October 28, 2011 at 1:50 am

    i feel bummed…

    i am feeling triggered


  151.  #151Butterfly Wings on October 28, 2011 at 1:53 am

    What a bizarre day! I left home this morning and TH was still tucked in bed and I asked him to lock the doggy door before he left so my dog wouldn’t escape.

    Later that day I IM’d him to ask if he had locked it. He replied “Yes”. I guess he wasn’t feeling talkative.

    I was feeling a bit sad today about all that had happened, but also hopeful for the future, so I felt positive in a sad kind of way.

    I then received an email from a gf reminding me we had a “date” next Wednesday night and suggesting a free show at a local bar. Looks like it will be a mellow type affair and I’m feeling good about it! I had forgotten about it and felt so glad I had something to do next week!

    I then received a text from a guy I know who lives interstate who has a bit of a thing for me. It was a random text with no specific meaning – just him letting me know he was thinking of me.

    Next I received an email from a guy I used to work with years ago who I bumped into a couple of months ago and we swapped business cards. So he wants to catch up for lunch/coffee/chat, and he’s married but we were buddies at work, so it’s not a “date” but will be nice to catch up.

    And finally, I finished work early so I could go and pick up my baby, and when I got home, my front door was unlocked. I was mentally chastising TH for leaving the house unlocked as I walked up the stairs, when I saw a man standing near the top.

    I screamed! OMG I didn’t expect to see someone in my house!!!

    It was TH…

    I’m still not sure why he’s still here, and I’m actually feeling happy he is, but still scared about what that means in regard to future hurt. I just need to be STRONG!

    I mentioned I wanted to order takeaway earlier but he wanted steak and salad, so I decided to have what he was having (the steaks looked really good!). He has just now walked to the shop to buy me some chips (fries for you US people!) to have with my steak, because they are to DIE for!

    It was very sweet of him anyway!

  152.  #152Alicia on October 28, 2011 at 1:57 am

    I liked all of the post… short and sweet. Sometimes easier said then done but, eventually it just becomes easier..

    Luv all the tools,


  153.  #153Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Hi everyone!

    I’m feeling very connected and joyful at the moment. Not really about anything in particular, I’m just choosing to think thoughts that result in feelings of joy…and liking it.

    Hi Emerson, I felt loved when I saw you asking about me 🙂

    I’m feeling inspired to comment on what Emoticon wrote here

    “So…. I have a question! How leany forward is it if I feel bad for a CD who just had surgery n decide 2 buy him a card n some candy?”

    For me, the key here is in the statement “I feel bad for him (CD). It’s the feeling bad for him part that is more emasculating and that energy will come thru in whatever action is taken.

    I feel confident that if a gesture was made with the energy of “I feel fun” or “I feel inspired to uplift” Actions taken in that mindset and vibe would feel very different.

    I feel bad has a mothering feeling to it.

    I feel fun, playful, or inspired has an exciting and uplifting vibe.

    Now depending on the situation with the cd, I don’t consider it leaning forward to somehow acknowledge his surgery.

    I would NOT send flowers or a card. That is something a mother or coworker or aunt does.

    But depending on the situation, I would maybe bring a board game to play, or a movie, or something that references an inside joke you two may have. Something that is fun and uplifting.

    I would also take into consideration that he might feel tired or maybe even not want company while he is healing.

    I feel better when there is a little give and take in a relationship, with him always giving more, yet I still give back…when it feels good…in the waterwheel fashion.

    This reminds me of a sitation that Rori helped me with a while back when I wasn’t sure if it would be leaning forward to organize a birthday party for my love. Rori said to go for it.

  154.  #154rose on October 28, 2011 at 5:32 am

    # 122 Emerson

    thanks for the empathy and sympathy. a vanishing boy really reinforces the importance of CD’ing and not being exclusive. i had actually gone on a date with a boy I’ve been crazy about while I was dating my vanishing boy, and i felt guilty about it. and a friend made me feel guilty about it too! saying it was gross to date more than one person at a time. well this reinforces how important CD is. if i had turned down the other guy i would have felt so much angrier at this guy for vanishing now. i do wonder if he’ll show up again, and logically i think that there is a 70% chance he’ll send me a stupid “what’s up” text.

  155.  #155Starla on October 28, 2011 at 6:30 am

    Yay it’s Laughing Goddess!!

  156.  #156Starla on October 28, 2011 at 6:36 am

    I wake up every morning hoping Crack Fix has emailed me or done something on facebook (commented, liked my post, etc.)

    This feels bad to me. It’s a great example of how he is like a Crack Fix. When I find nothing from him, I feel depressed and low energy. When I do feel something, I feel like I’m getting my ‘hit’.

    I want to change this. But it really feels powerful, like an actual crack addiction. I don’t WANT to stop checking my email/facebook for his attention first thing when I wake up. Eep!

  157.  #157English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 6:36 am

    #150 BW

    Wow this is like a TV series. 🙂

    I look forward to the next installment, and mmmmm chips from the chip shop are the BEST!!!

  158.  #158English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 6:40 am

    #152 Laughing Goddess

    Lovely to see you back. 🙂

    I like your way of thinking rather than nothing for the post surgery guy…….I felt cold and mean reading the other stuff……but like I said I have a long way to go.

    Also Daria said something another time that I was a “you first” person but I haven’t found any other reference to this, does anybody know where I can find posts/blogs?

  159.  #159English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 6:43 am

    #155 Starla

    It is hard to replace the man crack addiction. 🙁

  160.  #160marina on October 28, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Hello dear Sirens,

    I just found two beautiful vids on orgasmic birth.
    I have no kids yet, the only thing about having kids that frightens me…is giving birth…
    I hope I can heal that…
    I like what they show here.




  161.  #161Suzi~Q on October 28, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Perfect timing. I am at this place w/the man I have been dating for 5 years. I am sad at his pulling back and can see several places and possibilities around the how and why and possible solutions.

    He and I have had a couple of really good chats about where “WE” are and what we want to do with that. We have talked about the fact that this is a natural part of being in a long term relationship, and since we do not live together, that disconnection feels more severe. He says that he just is not sure at this time what he would like to see happen for us, but when I asked if he wanted me to take my personal effects from his home, he said “No, I do want you to be part of my life, I just dont know what that will look like”.

    I would like to be able to have what ever change we decide on be from a positive space, so, I have sat back, and remained open to his communications (which are a little text or short call daily). I have increased my circular dating, and I am working on reclaiming my literal space (my last kiddo is launching out into the world and I am about to be an empty nester!!), and I am repainting that bedroom to turn it into some combination of office/photo studio/yoga-meditation room.

    Some days I feel steady and powerful. Other days I find myself hovering by my phone to see if he messaged me (those are the days I try to go to the gym after work, or go do something active). With the tools I have learned, and the healing I have experienced over the last 2 years, I get through each day a little stronger than I started it.

    No matter what happens with my man, I AM the person that I will have to spend the rest of my life with, so I had better make sure that I focus on THAT relationship as it is paramount to …

    Living well!
    Love Suzi~Q

  162.  #162Susan on October 28, 2011 at 7:37 am

    English Woman and Starla,

    My Man Crack Addiction turned into my Sweet Man. But I swear, if he distances himself from me for a few days, I feel the addiction start to scream at me again. I wish he didn’t have that effect on me. Even though it is great when we are together, I suffer in the days we aren’t. Tomorrow, it will be a year together and the crack feeling hasn’t subsided… This is the first time in my life that the person I felt ‘crack addicted’ to didn’t leave (yet). Have I mentioned I still feel pretty insecure about him?

  163.  #163T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 7:52 am


    I totally relate about being insecure…I wonder if that ever goes away? I think my insecurity comes from the fact that I feel like I found a needle in a haystack and I don’t want to blow it.

  164.  #164T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I could sure use some help…

    Our birthdays are 4 days apart. He is taking me away for a couple of days to celebrate our birthdays but I have no idea what to get him. He doesn’t really have any hobbies that he is into. I was thinking about concert tickets.

    Any ideas?

  165.  #165T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 7:58 am

    I want to thank the siren that mentioned she was doing belly dancing but I can’t remember who it was?

    I used to take lessons about 5 years ago and restarted again last night. I had so much fun! What a great workout too! And sireny!

    I think I need practice though because I was showing my daughter what I learned last night and she asked me “what the heck is wrong with you mom?” 🙂

  166.  #166Ella on October 28, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Coffee date with CD1.

    Still not enough advance notice, and still a daytime arrangement however I felt like accepting.

    He came and got me and took me for coffee.

    It felt good.

    I still feel tension and I still feel suspicion. This may or may not change depending what happens. I feel relaxed enough about it.

    I was able to express genuine admiration for some of his qualities 🙂

    He knows I want evenings dates.

    And I also said I did not want to hear about other women.

    Yay me.

    After I said that I felt more relaxed and he seemed to relax a bit.


    Just getting ready to go and teach my Zumba class and then off to a Halloween Party tonight. Dressing up as a Sexy Devil, he he.

    Then tomorrow off to do some pole dancing pratice.

    Did I tell you that my friend is sponsoring me to go and do my Pole Dancing Teacher’s qualifaction and then we are going to set up a business together.

    I can’t begin to tell you how appreciative and happy I feel about this, I have been wanting a business partner for ages, and now here she is. I feel so supported and excited.

    And an opportunity to get some training and hopefully earn some money…

    Thank you Universe.

    Feeling Happy Siren today.

    Oh and did I mention that CD1 put air in my tires, which is another thing I have been wanting to get done for ages.

    And when he kissed me I melted.

    He has strong arms which I appreciate. They feel good around me.


    He talked a bit about going to stay in a hotel together… felt like he was testing the waters.

    I said it felt all a bit ‘illicit affair’ and also that I wouldn’t do that until I feel safe and secure around him.

    I also told him I feel tense with him sometimes because it feels difficult for me to get a sense of him…

    Have to say though the idea of being taken away to a posh hotal feels kinda exciting!

    Arghh. 🙂

    So anyway, feeling quite happy Siren with my life.

    And new CD from the other day wants another date. No attraction for me and I said yes anyway for the practice…

  167.  #167Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:04 am

    T Girl re 162,

    What about one of those experiene vouchers you can get and then he can choose to use it on whatever experience he wants eg: wine tasting, racing etc…

    Here in the UK we have Red Letter Days…

    Prices start from about £30 upwards I think.


  168.  #168Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Urghhh, POF guy, who was in contact before and kept asking for dates and then being flaky, not confirming or following up whatever…

    Well he came back after a few months of no contact with some e-mail about being a fool for not meeting me etc… can he have another chance…

    I said ok.

    He asked for a date Sunday… I agreed.

    He kept pushing me to meet him half way and I said no I do not feel comfortable driving to dates. He said ok he will come to me I am worth it.

    Then today a message in my inbox.

    Sorry Sunday’s off, I don’t want to drive all that way for a first date. I can meet you half way, it is up to you.

    Blech! Urgh…

    Feel kinda mildy sick and annoyed.

    Feel cross actually.

    Anyway I just replied ‘No thank you.’

    Hmph, Grrr. Ick.

  169.  #169Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Susan re 160,

    I am just feeling curious… do you have the comittment you want from him? Are you exclusive?

    I am just asking because I had assumed that once we are with the right man all those feelings of being unsure, and addiction and pining, crack fix style, would go away!

    It never occured to me that I could be with a man who is right for me and still feel them.

    I feel a lil confused.

    Would love to know how you and other Sirens feel about this…


  170.  #170Susan on October 28, 2011 at 8:20 am

    RE: 161: T-Girl says:

    “I totally relate about being insecure…I wonder if that ever goes away? I think my insecurity comes from the fact that I feel like I found a needle in a haystack and I don’t want to blow it.”

    Yes. That is it exactly. I’m afraid I will do something stupid.

  171.  #171T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 8:22 am

    165 Ella – I never heard of experience vouchers. I wonder if we have them in the US? I will have to check.

  172.  #172Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Butterfly Wings.


    And I am glad you are feeling happy he is around.

    I am feeling a lil bit cautious reading your posts. A bit anxious.

    It just looks a little like your actions are not quite matching your intentions?

    Obviously I could have the wrong end of the stick completely.

    I feel worried of offending or upsetting you.

    Just don’t want you accepting any crumbs… Cus I thought you were talking about cutting him loose as he was only offering crumbs, do I have this right? And yet he is still there in your house, and your bed…

    I know for me if I sleep with a guy I have feelings for I just get more and more hormonally bound in…

    Or does it feel like he is stepping up with what you want?

    I am also genuinly curious as I can often make a boundary and then break it cus of my feelings for a man…

    However I kow for me some boundaries are important and need to be strong before I am ready for my real man…


  173.  #173Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:25 am

    T girl,

    Google Red Letter days and then you can see the kind of thing…

    Let me know I feel curious…


  174.  #174Susan on October 28, 2011 at 8:31 am

    RE: 167: Ella says:

    “Susan re 160,

    I am just feeling curious… do you have the comittment you want from him? Are you exclusive?

    I am just asking because I had assumed that once we are with the right man all those feelings of being unsure, and addiction and pining, crack fix style, would go away!

    It never occured to me that I could be with a man who is right for me and still feel them.

    I feel a lil confused.

    Would love to know how you and other Sirens feel about this…”


    He has made it clear he is committed to me. Of his own volition, he sat me down and told me that he considers me his present and future: that I have his complete commitment. He doesn’t use the L word at all, but constantly uses other words to express how much he cares for me. I think his reluctance to use the L word has to do with him and not with me. He has an unusual background and the L word scares him deeply. I would love to hear his use the L word, but I doubt it would fix the pining I feel when he leaves. We live about an hour apart, so we see each other roughly 1x a week, but for 1-4 days at a time.

    I have a strong physical reaction to him. A year into the relationship, and I still have a hard time sleeping next to him because of sexual excitement (even though I am very satisfied.) The ‘withdrawal’ I feel when we are apart also feels physical. I don;t feel ignored or abandoned. I feel pain, like physical withdrawal. I wish I didn’t. I wish I felt more confident.

  175.  #175Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Ella re #42 – that was actually a funny profile! That made me laugh. But it was a little bit *too* funny. Like, what is he hiding, and can he not just be serious and be himself? I love a jokester. A guy who has a sense of humor is soooo attractive. But not if that’s *all* he has.

    just mho.

    what did you do? did you write him back?

  176.  #176Ella on October 28, 2011 at 8:41 am


    It is only interesting for me because I feel a little bit like that with CD1, and so I assumed it must mean he is toxic for me.

    I have heard so many stories from the coaches about how when they met their man they did not feel intense attraction at first…

    So I assumed that it would be the same for me (it might still be, its just interesting to know that there is more than 1 way things can develop…)

    Thanks for your answer.

  177.  #177Starla on October 28, 2011 at 8:43 am

    T-girl –
    I am doing the belly dancing:):) Glad ur havin fun!

  178.  #178T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 8:51 am

    175 Starla – I hope I get better at it! I can move my hips, but walking while moving my hips is challenging!

    I was surprised at the variety of women who where there. I felt so comfortable. And everyone was pretty much wearing pretty floating skirts and hip scarfs so I just ordered myself some on E-Bay.

  179.  #179Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Actually, this Rori post is pretty timely for me, too.

    I feel I am in this general situation with TDH. Except that I’m betting/guessing it is the former, not the latter, of the two possibilities. I think he is pulling gently away. But that is okay, because I don’t necessarily think he is my “the one,” either.

    It’s just odd, because I actually woke up this morning and thought, “wow, I haven’t heard from him in so long!” And then I realized it’s been like three days. lol. But it always feels like that! When I don’t hear from him for days, it feels like FOREVER. Don’t know why that is.

    Of course, it was just this last weekend that I told him I wanted to be “friends.” And I figured I wouldn’t hear from him at all. But then I got a “Happy Monday!!!” text (on Monday, of course;) Yes, with three exclamation points. I texted back a happy Monday to him, and that was it – no conversation, no nothing.

    On Tuesday, I texted him about the riots going on nearby. It was crazy stuff. He asked what happened, and I told him, but then I didn’t hear from him at all.

    Yesterday was an Indian holiday, and I was thinking of wishing him a happy holiday, but then I didn’t. I figured two lean-forwards in a row would not be a good idea. Especially with a guy I said I’d be “just friends” with.


    This stuff is so confusing.

    Of course, he *could* be thinking and mulling to himself about whether or not he actually likes me and deciding if he wants to put more effort into the relationship. He could be. I just have no idea. So…I am hereby doing as Rori suggested. I’m letting him do what HE does. (whenever he does it)

    Meanwhile, flirting. making dates with other guys. I was all set to put my OK cupid profile back up, and then, suddenly, I have two dates, out of the blue! Nice.

    Which is good because – I need that! lol

  180.  #180Starla on October 28, 2011 at 9:02 am

    feeling sooo anxious because Crack Fix is supposed to take me to a concert on Sunday, and the last time it came up, he was talking about not going, so i got all pouty (one of the few unsireny moments i’ve had with him) and he said he would take me. But there’s been no talk of it since, and i feel anxious not knowing if we’re going.

    Though I guess I can assume we’re going.

    I feel anxious to think of how turned off I’ll feel if he doesn’t take me. If he doesn’t mention tonight what time it is, etc. I don’t know how to handle this stuff. But that sh*t pisses me off and I might withdraw, myself, if that happens.

    I am thinking the worst about him and this concert, but this has come up with every guy ever, so I’m freaking out a little!

    I almost texted him, “when is that concert?” but i know very well when it is…it would have been manipulative of me and I can’t stand manipulating him.


  181.  #181Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Oh, and on the “respect” front – I have trouble with that one, too. I get that men need to feel respected. But they need to feel it organically (i.e., they can tell when you’re “just saying” something).

    My problem is, even when I really believe what I’m saying, sometimes it still comes out feeling as if I don’t. Like if I say, “You’re so handsome.” Or, “I love your arm muscles.” It might be completely true for me. And yet, even I feel like I’m “just saying it.” It sounds wrong. Words do not come naturally for me, I guess. I am much better at expressing myself physically. Which makes it hard when you’re trying to communicate stuff by phone and text. *sigh*…

    With TDH, when we had the text convo in which he was telling me he was so busy with work (on the weekend) that he couldn’t hang out, I decided to just give up trying for anything, when he said he was busy, and just texted back, “Ok, Mr. Hardworker.” I meant it as a compliment. But now it feels like he could have interpreted it as sarcasm. I mean, I guess it was a little sarcastic. But the way I really meant it was “Ok, I respect the fact that you say you need to work, and I’m respecting how hardworking and dedicated you are to your job, even if I don’t like it and it’s inconvenient for me because I would rather go out and have a good time.”

    Lol. Well, now that I’ve written that out, seems like I could have said that instead and it might have been more effective. lol

    I was just reading last night about “mitigated” speech. That’s what you do when you are talking to someone who has a higher perceived “status.” So instead of just saying directly what you think or feel or believe should be done, you drop hints and suggestions and leave the final decision up to the other person. And I realized that I mitigate my speech A LOT. A lot. Like practically all the time. With anyone. I guess I need to work on that. New project! 🙂

  182.  #182Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Ack! Starla, I know how you feel.

    Could you try something like: “Hey, I’m planning out my weekend. Are we going to that concert on Sunday?”

    I know that there is no feeling message in there, but could be a low-pressure way to just let him know you’re thinking about it and wondering what the plan is – leaving the planning up to him.

    Then, depending on how he responds, you could use a feeling message (i.e. if he says yes, tell him how excited you are, and if he says no, then – whatever feels natural to you.)

    How does that sound?

  183.  #183Starla on October 28, 2011 at 9:10 am

    Wow! What a trigger this is! The anxiety of wanting to know if he’s going to f*ck this up or not. The anxiety of not knowing how I’ll handle it. The anxiety of what that means about ME if I keep dating a guy who completely blows off his word. The anxiety of what that means if I have to gently remind him to follow through with his word. The anxiety of perhaps just making other plans and then he shows up to take me to this concert, tickets in hand.


  184.  #184Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 9:16 am

    BTW, hope this is not TMI (but is there ever tmi on this blog?? lol) – but last night I slept nekkid. Nakie. Birthday suit. In the nude.

    I think it was for the first time ever!!

    I literally cannot remember any time I have slept the entire night through without wearing at least my panties. Even with a guy (or especially with a guy! haha).

    It felt so strange. It was actually harder to get to sleep, and I kept waking up during the night. but I resisted the urge to put clothes on. I really wanted to give myself a new sensual experience, and just feel the way my skin felt against the sheets.

    It was so interesting and delicious. It felt very sexy.

    And of course I fantasized about the various men who could be there with me, but not in a sad way. More in a way of, “wouldn’t that be so delightful?” To have a man there to enjoy me – WITH me. Yay 🙂

    Sometimes I think I hate men. But, I don’t really. Many of them are very sweet. I guess I just haven’t met the right one yet! Or I have, and he’s just getting ready to be the right one “for me.”

    What a happy thought. lalala!

    Have a good day, Sirens!! xox

  185.  #185Starla on October 28, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Tiffany – thank you for responding!

    If he says no, I am going to be like “wtf, you said you would because ‘you’re a man of your word’!”

    so asking him that would be a leading question/trap.

    i am thinking maybe i just have to lean back through all this uncomfortable desire to control, and cross the bridges as I come to them. I may just have to live with feeling turned off, and sharing that with him.

    All that keeps coming to mind is “I love this guy and don’t want to ever be dishonest.” Weird. We haven’t exchanged I love you’s or anything but that’s what is coming to mind. That I should lean back because I love him. That if he f*cks up, I should tell him I feel turned off and anxious, because I love him.

  186.  #186Susan on October 28, 2011 at 9:20 am

    RE: 162: T-Girl says:

    “I could sure use some help…

    Our birthdays are 4 days apart. He is taking me away for a couple of days to celebrate our birthdays but I have no idea what to get him. He doesn’t really have any hobbies that he is into. I was thinking about concert tickets.

    Any ideas?”

    I am a big fan of ‘event gifts’. I tend to give concert tix, tix to plays and musicals and the gift that has gotten the most appreciative response has been couples acupressure massage at a Korean Spa (highly recommend!!!). My favorite gifts to give and receive are the ones that create memories. In a standard year, there are pretty much 2 gift giving days for many people: Birthdays and Christmas. I tend to pair the gift with saying “You spoil me so much, I wanted to spoil you back for once.”

    If the birthday falls rather early in a relationship, I’d tone it down to a smaller gift.

  187.  #187Ella on October 28, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Starla re 183


    I think you are on the right lines there.

    This is a chance for you to let go of control and trust him. And if he messes up then its a chance to express.

    Who knows it could bring you closer.

    I kow how uncomfortable it feels to sit with those anxious feelings when plans are not confirmed. And you are strong.

    Also remember about respecting the masculine.

    If he says no its no…

    And for now some appropriate Siren distraction is needed. A chance to practice soothing ones anxious feelings maybe?

    Do you nails need painting? 🙂


  188.  #188Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Hey, Starla. Take a deep breath.

    OK, good.

    I’ve been where you are, SO many times. And I hate it!

    You said “wanting to know if he’s going to f*ck this up or not.”

    That sounds like part of you is expecting/dreading that he is going to “f*ck it up.” And by “f*ck it up” I think you mean “let you down.” And you don’t want to feel let down. You don’t want to be abandoned.

    yes, I know how this feels, because I do this aaallll the time. And what it really means is, this negative energy eventually sets the guy up to “fail.” It’s almost like you are running a “test” on him.

    So don’t let this be a test.

    Take a step back for a minute. You care about this concert. And you care about this guy. But what you care about MORE is your TiME – YOUR SCHEDULE. You don’t want to be left hanging. Hey, if he needs to be “prodded,” then maybe that’s what he needs. Gently, of course. You don’t have to make him wrong. Just focus on what *you* want. You want to know if you are going to see the concert with him, or if you need to make other plans. You can do this, and still make it about you – not about his planning skills. I think this is how you “respect” him.

    And if he doesn’t come through for you, then you can evaluate whether this guy is really worth your time. Because a guy wasting his time is one thing. A guy wasting yours – that’s not okay.

    Just breathe.

  189.  #189Starla on October 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Ella – I got a gorgeous black manicure yesterday:)

    I’m at work so I am sofa shopping online to soothe myself.

  190.  #190Ella on October 28, 2011 at 9:32 am



    Sounds good. Black Manicure.


  191.  #191Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Starla – just saw your other response!

    I still say, deep breaths. They help relax your nervous system (“nervous” – haha.)

    If he says no and you feel like “wtf…” I’m not sure if that would be actually a “feeling message” – that is, if you are accusing him of being “not a man of his word.” That would be att*cking his masculinity.

    You can still feel hurt. And it’s okay to want to be honest. That is definitely a form of love. You can say, “I was expecting to go to the concert with you.” Or “I feel disappointed.” Those would be really honest, non-blaming things to communicate, about YOU.

    But right now, I think you need more information before you can decide any of this. Your feelings of anxiety come from not knowing what’s happening, and wanting to control what you know. You can ask for more information, but you can’t control HIM.

    And if he does say no, you can always go paint your toenails. 🙂

  192.  #192Starla on October 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I’m going to have to tell him how anxious it makes me when i don’t know what’s going on with our plans!! But I should give him the chance first to at least mention it tonight.

    Or I could just say “I’m really excited about the show on sunday!”

    but then if he changed his mind about taking me, he would say something, and i would feel turned off because he would have avoided the subject entirely unless i brought it up!


    i am so expecting the worst here.

    and at this moment, it’s really just MY problem. I could expect the best instead. I’m scared of what will happen and what it will mean if he lets me down though.


    okay i’m breathing:)

  193.  #193Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Okay so how do u guys think I should handle this? Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten the get well soon card n the candy but I did cuz I jus got the urge 2 splurge. Now his bro is my close friend so I told him and now he found out and txted me asking what I got him. I told him I was kind of upset that my surprise is ruined n he said he’s so surprised, he will still be surprised when he gets it and he will be back Monday or Tuesday. Oh and he also said “lol awwww” when I confirmed that I did in fact get him something. I mean since he already knows I feel better just giving it 2 him and then going back 2 leaning back. One little lean forward can’t hurt that bad and even if it does it def is not going to be the end of the world

  194.  #194Katt on October 28, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Im not sure im even doing this blog thing right…help!! lol

  195.  #195Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Laughing Goddess gr8 to hear from you thank you for the feedback. It makes perfect sense and I def do not want to be his mother and don’t want to barge in on a recovery process which is why I am giving it to him when he gets out next week. His mother is there right now with him going through it and watching movies with him (not my place). When we did talk about his surgery and the present tho I didn’t tell him I feel bad for him I just said I was feeling generous and proud of him for being so brave and so positive about it. I don’t kno maybe he got the “I feel bad” vibe because in some ways yes I do feel bad and even a little maternal. I’m trying to fight it.

  196.  #196Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Susan Ella and T-Girl I remember reading here that you can never say the wrong thing to the right man. I tale that to mean that no matter what you say or do the right man is gonna stick right by you. I keep reminding myself of that and that really helps me to not feel insecure. That’s why I don’t think abt what to say and def don’t beat myself up for going against a tool. If he’s the right man it won’t make much of a diff if I did this or said this one time.

  197.  #197Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Hey Tiffany, I didn’t quite get what you meant by mitigated speech.

  198.  #198Camille on October 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Im finding it hard to “outgirl” my man the last two days. I love his honesty and his capability to tell me what hes “feeling” but I feel a little like he wants me to step up and fix it…..But Im not going to. This got me into a bit of a mess in the past and I had to re-establish that I am the siren.

  199.  #199Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Wow Starla that is a lot of anxiety! From what I learned in the e book “respecting the mascline” means not reminding him of anything. So I’m not sure is reminding him about the concert is the best idea. I would just wait and see. Trust that he will show up I guess. I would have my little back-up plan just in case tho.

  200.  #200Camille on October 28, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Maybe you sirens can give me some suggestions??? He says hes feeling unattractive or like I’m not attracted to him. Because I’m not initiating (many things) as much as I used to. (Of course I’m not) Im using my tools, leaning back and doing nothing.

  201.  #201Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Hi Emoticon,

    I was pondering what you asked about more and realized that it really depends on your particular situation. I used to be really afraid to do anything for because I was worried about leaning forward and after asking Rori about it, I got the impression that some kind gestures are okay as long as they are in balance with the overall vibe of the relationship and we have the right energy behind it.

    Ultimately, you will know by how it feels.

    Do you feel lean forwardy? Are you doing it to get his attention? Will you feel bad if you don’t get a particular response from him?


  202.  #202Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Camille: 197

    Are you being warm and open, an invitation?

    Leaning back is only part of the Rori steps. We also get to unzip our hearts and be open? Also, men may gripe for a bit when we change our behavior but what really matters is his actions. Has he been stepping up more since you’ve started leaning back? Even though he’s grumbling, deep down he might really like the challenge. 🙂

  203.  #203Camille on October 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I agree with Laughing Goddess………I try to ask myself, why “I” am doing something and if I am attached to the outcome being a certain way. If I am than I try to detach myself from the outcome. And if I my intentions to do something are motivated by fear, guilt or trying to get a certain reaction. I dont do it. But if Im not I do it.

    It took me awhile to understand that sometimes in the past I did things to “create” something in a situation. Not good for me.

    Getting much better. But still have to check with myself before I start “doing”.

  204.  #204Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Laughing Goddess I don’t feel bad giving it to him because it doesn’t really matter to me what the outcome is. I really just felt like doing something nice. He is in rehab for his knee right now (sports injury) and he’s so positive about it he’s excited to do it actually so I don’t think the gift is a “feel better abt ur situation” thing, cuz he does not feel bad abt it. I liked the card I found because its of a dog and inside says “hope you’re back on all fours soon” so I thought it was funny and appropriate because he has a knee injury. The candy is just a filler lol cuz I wanted 2 put it all in this spongebob gift bag because I call him spongebob. (He and his friend remind me of spongebob and patrick – to the T) so yeah I just thought it would all be funny. The second thoughts and bad feelings came as a result of remembering part of the lean back tool is to not buy a guy presents.

  205.  #205Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Camille. True. I don’t feel invested in the outcome. For the most part I just hope he eats the candy!

  206.  #206Camille on October 28, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Laughing Goddess,
    I am open and really “melting” when he provides an invitation. It seems hes just a little thrown off by my new behavior. And he is definitely grumbling. “Stepping Up” alot in some situations and holding back in others. We have alot of past hurt in our relationship. We both seem to have some walls. But using Rori’s tools has really helped alot.

  207.  #207Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Hi EW and Starla and everyone!

    Life has been going well lately. I’ve had my ups and downs, of course yet overall life is good.

    I’m still in relationship with my same sweetie. We’ve evolved into a really great place. We both have worked through some of our communication challenges, which feels relieving.

    He mentioned that he wanted to ask me to marry him but he wasn’t sure I’d say yes. He’s probably right. We’ve been together for 1 year and 8 months. I love him dearly yet I feel hestitant to say yes. I would feel better getting to know him more before making that kind of commitment.

    And honestly, I feel happy with the state of our relationship now. For all intents and purposes, we live our lives as a married couple and that works just fine for me. I feel totally loved and trusting of him. He’s obviously totally committed to me. We are growing as a couple and individually.

    It’s all good in my book!

  208.  #208Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Laughing Goddess sounds awesome!

  209.  #209Camille on October 28, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Laughing Goddess thank you for posting your situation………It’s very similiar to mine and feels good to hear a post by someone whos in a committed relationship and also using the tools to have growth in a relationship not just trying to find “the one”.

  210.  #210Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:24 am


    Ya, that’s what feels good to me, something playful and funny.

    I would also make sure that I didn’t lean forward to give it to him. For example, not texting to say “hey, i have this gift I want to give you”.

    I would wait until he initiated interaction with me before giving it to him. And I would be kind of nonchalant about it. Maybe even eat half the candy before I give it to him (cuz I’m a brat like that) 🙂

  211.  #211Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 11:27 am

    LMAO! Omg laughing goddess u r too funny. But trust me I have been tempted to eat it lol its the new M&M pretzel thingies…n its gonna b in my room all weekend lol

  212.  #212Daria on October 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Tiffany – what you wrote about the guy texting you Happy Monday stuff or good morning… i got this vision about the energy play

    I feel really good and like i am taking in energy when i just write

    “thank you”

    to greetings and wishes.
    it’s not that writing Happy Monday back is ‘bad’ …

    its just the feeling of it is different.

    it’s like Bam, hitting the tennisball to him back

    being receptive, kinda mysterious, drawing in Goddess is more like, sitting down on the back court, smoothly and gently catching the tennisball that comes at me, placing it in my lap, and smiling

    then when another tennis balls comes i catch it too

    and i just make a basket of them next to me, full of tennisballs, with an air of soft peace about me

    its about doing something Different than what he’s doing, not the same thing back…

    it’s a complement energy… a different dance/’game’ than the usual…

    the special intriguing romantic one…

  213.  #213Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Camille: Ya, it feels really important for me to keep working on the tools and growing. I truly believe in what Rori is teaching and it has worked wonders in my own life. 🙂

    Not to say I’m perfect about always communicating to my love in feeling messages or always leaning back. I make “mistakes” often but I catch myself early when I’m starting to feel bad and can get back on track much easier.

  214.  #214Starla on October 28, 2011 at 11:40 am

    LG, Thanks for sharing your story! I admire where you’re at:)

  215.  #215Camille on October 28, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I was already “living with” my man when I found Rori’s tools ………. so at times its been difficult for me to remember everything when we are so physically around each other all of the time. And I was definitely over-doing. So its been quite a transition LOL I have finally gotten over my “fear” of his responses to my new-found “Sireness” but like I said fun to hear someone in a similiar situation. And “CD’ing” when commited.

  216.  #216Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Oh ladies, it was fun to chat for a bit. I have to go now and get ready for a road trip this weekend. We are playing two shows for Halloween.

    I have a fun costume. I’m going to be a Golden Godddess. I have this beautiful, elegant, vintage sparkly dress and some sparkly gold makeup. I feel very beautiful and goddessy in this outfit!

    Hope you all have a great weekend!

  217.  #217Laughing Goddess on October 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Starla, I’ve been keeping up with your posts when I can. I feel lots of admiration for where you are at. I know you have moments of insecurity yet it seems like overall you are really taking great care of yourself and that makes me happy! I feel excited to hear how your situation unfolds.

    Camille, It does sound like we are in similar situations. I know it can feel challenging to lean back when you live together and are trying to take care of the practicalities of running a household. I’d love to chat more with you about this in the future 🙂

    Emoticon, I say eat the candy if you want to!!! 🙂
    Bein around our sireny energy is a way better treat for a guy anyway than Reese’s (or whatever it was)…

    Haha! I just thought o something. Ya know that saying “I am the gift?”
    What if we change it to

    “I am the CANDY!”

    haha! Okay I really really have to go! Love y’all!

  218.  #218Starla on October 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

    The boy in me wants to make a plan for dealing with this situation, so that I can operate in girl mode whilst in my boy-created plan.

    I am going to just be open and in girl mode until the end of our date tonight, and if it hasn’t come up, i’m not just going to ask about the concert…but let him know how it feels not being able to know if i can accept other plans and invitations while our own pending plans our up in the air.

    Script to come shortly.

  219.  #219Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Yes I am the candy LG and I’m better than M&Ms!!

    Starla sounds sireny I’m interested in reading the script.

  220.  #220Starla on October 28, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Okay, I want my script to cover a few things… first that i have been feeling so anxious not hearing anything about our concert plans, and that it feels awful not being able to accept plans with others when it feels like some other plans are already up in the air. Spending time with him feels so good, so I don’t want to double book because of lack of communication and misunderstanding, yet i don’t want to be waiting around for a man either, and miss out on the other awesome invitations and opportunities for fun I have.

    Then I will ask him what he thinks we can do about this.

    If he confirms our plans and acknowledges my need for earlier confirmation, I will say ‘Thank you, I feel better!’

    If he says he is not planning on taking me to the concert without saying why, I will say “Oh, I feel so disappointed, is there something I should know?”

    But likely, it is about money. And I will tell him, “Thank you for explaining, and it feels confusing and awful when I can’t confidently make plans of my own or know that I have plans with you, especially on the weekend of my favorite holiday. Wow, I am actually feeling really small and unimportant. What do you think?”

    Here is another variation…I’ll probably just need to merge the two somehow: “Thank you for explaining about the money, and it feels good spending time with you even when we do stuff that costs nothing at all. I feel disappointed about not going to the concert, but what I feel stuck on is not being able to confidently make plans, etc. It makes me feel unimportant and turned off and I don’t want to feel this way with a man I’m dating. What do you think we can do about this?”

    If it goes this way, I will likely feel angry…and the conversation may very well end with him apologizing and me saying “Thank you…I don’t like feeling this way…it makes me feel turned off”

    And then I’ll bid him goodnight and go back to being my happy self and taking care of me.

    Thoughts? Suggestions?

  221.  #221Elayne on October 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Rori, after applying these tools for a year or two now, it’s been my experience that the majority of men will stop calling, or disappear within two or three dates.

    In other words, he’s probably not going to call and ask you out again, and that’s OK — he’s probably doing me a favor.

    It would have been nice if I’d figured that out years ago and maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time on the “is he going to call” tape that used to run through my head. The good news is, I’m done with obsessing over whether a man will call.

    In using these tools, I’ve gotten to know a lot more men. I don’t think they stop calling because they don’t think we’re “the one.”

    It’s because of their issues.

    Many of the men I’ve met in the last year have a boatload of issues. They have too-close relationships with their mothers, they have money problems (this isn’t meant to be a judgment — a lot of people are struggling right now, but I think it’s worse for men), they have ex-girlfriend issues, self-esteem issues, they have a sexual dysfunction or some other hangup about sex, or they expect you to chase them.

    One other observation I have is that they don’t seem to like any depth to a relationship. I’m all for keeping things fun and light the first couple of dates, but who can keep that up forever? Is he going to run scared the first time it hits the fan? Times are hard for a lot of us, so it seems unfair that a man gets scared by depth — I have the same challenges as they do but I feel like I’m supposed to act like everything’s just peachy to avoid injuring their egos. And frankly, I’m tired of it.

    Thanks for letting me vent 🙂

  222.  #222Rori Raye on October 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Elayne – I wanted to comment on your comment… (and perhaps it’ll end up a post) the thing is – and this is the place to practice and begin practicing out there – is to start introducing DEPTH from the get-go. First email, first phone call. The idea is NOT to be superficial – but to be Real, emotional (choose your most pleasant and light and happy emotions if you like, and express THOSE – as long as what you speak is true and deep for YOU) – This is what Feeling Messages are all about. This is about you being the POET here, NOT the “reporter.” Practice by looking at a sunset and speaking about it in deep feeling messages. Try doing it with food. A restaurant, a film that moved you. This is how depth happens. Love, Rori

  223.  #223Rori Raye on October 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Starla – all of these are wonderful! The thing to add is – how does it feel to you to be speaking these things? If you feel embarrassed or awkward, say that! Love, Rori

  224.  #224Starla on October 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Eesh, what a triggercoaster I am on! He just texted me saying he can’t remember what time our date is tonight so can I remind him. I feel angry and unimportant, like “GOSH, YOU MUST NOT WANT TO SEE ME!”


  225.  #225Starla on October 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Thanks, Rori! I will be sure to express how I’m feeling in the moment to share all that with him. Nice reminder from you:) thanks

  226.  #226Emoticon on October 28, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    I suppose LG is gone but I gave in and ate some of the candy it tastes so good. It tastes like a relationship lol. Its sweet and salty n they come 2gether n make this one awesome flavor! If any of u get the chance u shud try them. The M&Ms with the pretzels inside. AWESOMENESS!! I will leave some 4 him tho lol don’t worry!! If not the wrapper is pretty cute anyway!

  227.  #227Starla on October 28, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    I said 730 feels good and asked him what he thinks. He said it sounds good, and i said okay, i feel excited, and he said he is looking forward to it. the end.

  228.  #228Starla on October 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    actually, i do feel excited! I have been looking forward to seeing him all week. But I feel nervous too. Because I haven’t talked to him since Sunday night. And I feel all unsure of how things will go and where we stand emotionally, etc.

    blargh:( I feel like going into the bathroom at the office and having a cry.

  229.  #229Starla on October 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Get a grip, Starla. You know what is happening here. He is wondering if your feelings are at the same level of intensity as his, he has heard you say many times that you don’t want to get all sucked into a relationship and not be able to tend to your own life, and he is wondering if it is time to do something about his intense feelings (ie make it official with me).

    Everything will become clear soon.

  230.  #230Elayne on October 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks, Rori, for #222. I’d love to see a post about the depth issue.

  231.  #231English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    I don’t care if a hundred men are contacting me on POF (exagerration lol) I don’t care if a million men are contacting me (major exagerration)………all I want and care about is one message from my man crack man…………

  232.  #232English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Why does this man crack man tell me he loves only me a few weeks back and then disappears?

    Is there something wrong with him………or me?

    Maybe he is a Toxic Man I don’t know……….but I just wish he would not do this………..I deserve so much better………

  233.  #233English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    I have done a zillion FM’s on this man and he is still not stepping up………..maybe he never will………..he can’t or he won’t………….so it’s up to ME to get myself out there and CD right?

  234.  #234English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    And he is only a LD man anyway, not here in front of me, not in my space/place just in my head and in my heart…….

  235.  #235English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    But damn IT IS SO HARD to let go of the man crack man………….

  236.  #236English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I feel soooooooooooo impelled to just pick up the phone right now and call him just to hear his sweet sexy voice but I JUST WON’T……………..ggrrrrrrr

  237.  #237Butterfly Wings on October 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    157: English Woman says:

    “#150 BW

    Wow this is like a TV series. ”

    I KNOW! 😀 My friends and I have been joking for a while about how I should write a book about this! It’s like a soap opera – and you never know what’s going to happen next!

    TH thought it was quite funny when I screamed when I saw him there. It took me a second to realise it was him! Gawd…. He’s still here… sound asleep…..

  238.  #238tinque on October 28, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Tiffany – Sleeping naked. It’s the only way to go. K got me started doing this when we first got together, and at first it felt weird and kind of illicit. Now I can’t imagine having clothes tangling up, getting in the way. And when its snuggle time or spooning time, at least twice a night, doesn’t feel much better than skin on skin.


  239.  #239Butterfly Wings on October 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    172: Ella – don’t worry – I can handle anything any of you sirens say. It takes a LOT to offend me. 🙂

    Yes, I agree I have serious issues with maintaining my boundaries and I wonder why that is… in the past I was fine with it. But not now for some reason.

    On the other hand, I recently promised myself that I would NEVER EVER put my life on hold for any man, and I’m at least doing that now – I wasn’t before. Even though he’s here, I’m heading out for the morning because I’d pre-planned with a girlfriend to catch up.

    Also, in the past I’d always consider what he was doing before I’d accept other offers. Not anymore! So I have next Wednesday night booked, and on Friday night I’m having drinks at the pub for my birthday with my work friends and a few others.

    Ex coworker’s coming too… not sure that’s a good idea but we’ll see. I doubt TH will come because the other woman will be there. But he may change his mind. Again, I don’t care. I’m going out to celebrate whether he’s there or not.

  240.  #240Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Ooh, triggercoaster! That’s my fave word of the day! 🙂

  241.  #241Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Daria – about the “happy monday” thing.

    That makes me feel kinda bad, like, “ooh, I said the wrong thing.” Not like *you* make me feel bad. Just that, it’s true that I had a sense I wanted to do something “different.” Saying “thank you” might have been more authentic, different vibe.

    What I *did* do, was thank him later on. After I texted him on Tuesday, I said thanks for the message, and that I loved getting his texts.


    Oh well.

    I don’t believe that I actually did anything “wrong.” I think he’s just being mysterious, and maybe not even sure what *he* wants right now.

    So I’m giving him space to figure it out.

    Meanwhile, I’m trying to be careful of being too feely and whatnot, since I did say that I wanted to be friends. I know what you’re going to say – I should stay in my fem energy anyway. And I am. I just don’t want to be accused of sending “mixed signals.” (i.e. saying that I’m going to accept a friendship, and then acting as if there is more). Don’t want to confuse the poor guy! Which is why I am backing off the texts right now anyway.

    Thank you for your comment! 🙂

  242.  #242Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    @Tinque – yeah, I’m getting into it. Might have to make it a regular thing! 😉

  243.  #243Starla on October 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    i love sleeping naked. i love sleeping in clothes too. mostly i just love sleeping.

  244.  #244Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Ooh, “poet” vs. “reporter” – I like it! (Rori #222)

  245.  #245Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    @ Starla – {lol!}

  246.  #246Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    So…here’s my story for today:

    I was feeling all Rockstar this morning (maybe part of the whole sleeping nekkid thing 🙂 ) Well okay, I’m still feeling rockstar.:)

    But then, out of the blue, this guy I haven’t seen in months, who I haven’t heard from in a really long time, writes to me, and he’s all, “hi, how are you? I hope you’re not mad at me :)”

    Well, I’m not. But the last time I had an interaction with him, I drove all the way to his house, only to find he wasn’t there. No follow up. No explanation. Nothing. Apparently, he didn’t think we had plans (wtf?? he’s the one who *made* plans with me!)

    So I was like, “What happened, did you suddenly grow a conscience? :p”

    Grrrr. This guy always does the SAME THING. When he gets horny and suddenly decides he HAS to see me, he contacts me. And then he expects ME to go to HIM. When I say that I’d prefer for him to come to me, then he’s “too tired.” WTF???

    So, to tell you the truth, I had no great hopes for this conversation. And I started out by telling him that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him at all. Throughout the whole thing, I was very clear that if he really wanted to see me *that much* then he could come to my house. But I wasn’t coming to his.

    I mean, honestly. Even if I did have my own car (I happened to have a friend’s car last time – and yeah, I know it was undignified, but I don’t care and I’m over it), I *still* would never – EVER – drop everything in the middle of the day, just to go jump on his erection. And that is seriously what he expected.

    I mean, really. Are you kidding me???

    And I told him several times and in no uncertain terms, where I was standing on this issue (i.e. on my own turf, not his). yet he *still* would not let it go.

    Finally, I was like, “Aw…that’s very sweet of you. But I’m working right now :)”


    He complained about having a class early tomorrow morning, but I said I could meet him earlier, just not during work hours. OMG! He still wouldn’t budge!

    He’s like a girl – but worse than a girl!! I swear!

    I know this guy is NOT worth bothering with. Which is why I am absolutely FINE with not seeing him tonight. I am just SO annoyed, at someone who contacts me and makes overtures about how much he wants to see me and how “worth it” it is for me to go out to him, when…it’s not worth it. He’s NEVER come through for me. We’ve met once, and that was it. When he says, “hey, I want to come over to your house” or take me out to dinner. THEN it will be okay.

    Until then…nada. Thank you very much. But I am afraid there is room for only ONE princess in this relationship, and that’s *me.*


  247.  #247Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    At one point, I thought, “maybe i’m focusing too much on what I *don’t* want, and what I ‘fear’ will happen.” And maybe that’s true.

    But this guy really does have a way of twisting things around. he’ll tell me how much he wants me, and then suddenly he’ll make it about me. And how much I want *him* – when I’ve said nothing of the sort.

    And then he’ll go, “Well, I guess it sounds like you don’t really want me.” What??? (well, I mean, I don’t. but I was pretty upfront about that.)


    I know. This guy sounds like a piece of work. And he IS!!! I would never – ever – ever have a relationship with him. Booty call? Maybe. But he’s not even stepping up to the plate on that one. What a lame-o. LAME-O!!!

    haha. well, at least I get fabulous me-time.

    And more sleeping nakeds. 🙂

    Without HIM! lol

  248.  #248Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm


  249.  #249Tiffany on October 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Whew. Okay, I’m over it 🙂

    He’s just a silly/stupid guy with crazy – ridiculous! – ideas about women. I mean, really kind of insane. At least – that’s not who *I* am.

    I actually think I handled it quite well. I told him that with me, it’s a “two-way street.” He agreed, but said that “the timing wasn’t good.” Well, I mean, fine. It’s not like i want him that badly. He’s just another guy who thinks waaaayyy too highly of himself.

    What tends to get me going is the assumptions that he makes. but I refuse to get riled up by him.

    In actual fact, I am relieved and extremely grateful that he is not going to be coming to see me tonight. It was way too last-minute, and I’m not prepared. I’m not even sure if I will respond to him next time. I always tell him that I don’t want to put up with his shenanigans. He acts like he really wants to see me “this time.” And then he pulls a stunt like this.

    I’m not really quite sure what to say about it. I feel anger at this very moment. Anger and annoyance, and I don’t want to feel that. He *has* gotten me riled up. grrr. boo. I don’t like that. 🙁

    But in the end, I was very gentle. I just said fine, if he doesn’t want to come see me, then he can just stay home. No drama. I know it won’t help to make a “big deal” out of it. If he decides to come through for me next time…I’ll consider it. And if he’s not offering to drop all of HIS stuff to come to me? Well, then, I’ve already put my foot down, and it’s staying there. The answer is no.

    Sorry, buddy.

    Okay, I’ll stop spamming now. Ha! 😉

  250.  #250Daria on October 28, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    im feelin stressed. i left my wallet in this guy’s car and i feel so triggered

    i want him to return it asap esp since my family is stressed on me

    he seems to be trying to use it to make sure i will go on a date with him or something and thinking that feels bad

    im feeling trapped and desperate

    i feel so angry and im not saying anything to him for fear he will not return my stuff

    this feels terrible

  251.  #251Daria on October 28, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    he said he’ll see what he can do about returning them tonight… but since i didn’t get right off the phone at that point now i feel worried he’s not going to return them

    then my dad is going to get pist and yell at me

    im going to continue to feel stressed

    i feel stressed from this

    my hip hurts from contracting from stress

    im mentally beating the shit out of this guy


    i feel furious and im keeping a lid on it and it doesn’t feel good…

    this is such a familiar situation

    i want to heal this

    thank you

  252.  #252Daria on October 28, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    fuch it ill just vent.

    i can’t believe he thinks its cool to not immediately return my stuff and that i’ll still want to go out with him

    i want to grab him and shake him

    i feel so mad

    i feel so unacknowledged

    i feel scared

    i just feel really really scared and helpless and angry

    and i love me

    i feel so angry at him for putting me in a position to wher i feel triggered and am choosing to act ‘fake’ and pressury

    i really want my stuff

    i really want my stuff

    i really want my stuff


  253.  #253Daria on October 28, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    i don’t even want to see this guy again after putting me through waiting like this


    so he found my stuff yesterday night

    then we talked this morning that he woudl bring it tonite

    thats nto that bad… but he just doesnt sound so gung ho to bring it to me

    he’s all crying about wanting to be with me, but doesn’t even care about making me feel horribly in my body stressed

    i feel FURIOUS



    like how do u not know somebody needs their fuchkin HOUSE KEYS

    come on

    this is bad behavior

    i just want my stuff and to dump this guy right now

    i would rather be cool with him but i feel too scared and helpless and mad

  254.  #254VW on October 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    oh no Daria, i feel soo sad and actually angry to hear 🙁

    warm hugs sweetie…

  255.  #255Kayla on October 28, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Woww well I was feeling soo confused about this before I read this article… and I still kinda am feeling confused and frustrated.. Therefore I am feeling kinda unconfident.. because Christian Carter says that you should let a man know that it is okay for him to withdraw and then he will feel like he doesn’t need to spend as much time away from you because if he chooses to then you won’t hold it against him… But if you just let him withdraw and then come and go as he pleases which Christian Carter and Rori Raye both say is exactly how you should let him feel… Then won’t it make you look like you don’t really have any boundaries??? I know I would feel that way if I let a man come and go into my life whenever he wanted to, which I understand he has a right to do that and does not owe me an explanation… But is it still okay for me to tell him how I feel when he withdraws?? And if you accept behavior from him that doesn’t feel good to you, then isn’t that considered not taking care of yourself??? Ughh I feel sooo confused and frustrated right now… Please help sirens!! Thankss..

  256.  #256Esteemed on October 28, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I feel like lead in my heart tonight. The conflict w the nasty employee resulted in me being fired today. 🙁 I did not deserve it.

    I went to a concert at church tonight. It made my day that R was there. I just looked at him and passed on by. It’s been three weeks since we had contact. Just felt good to see him…probably feeling the waters at my soft, warm, sandy beach. I did not morph into quicksand. 🙂

  257.  #257T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 8:41 pm


    John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) says the same thing about men – that they withdraw and “go into their caves”. That is when they are feeling overwhelmed but they are conditioned to take care of their own problems – they feel they can handle it – they don’t reach out to others like we women do. If you let him know that you are not ok with that, I think the man will hold it against you because it doesn’t feel safe for them.

    That being said, I think a man withdrawing into his cave and coming and going whenever he feels like it are two separate things.

  258.  #258T-Girl on October 28, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Esteemed – so sorry to hear about your job.

  259.  #259Esteemed on October 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm


    Thanks! It’s not good timing. I’m barely recovered from my crisis. Praying for a fast job.

  260.  #260Esteemed on October 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    What I realized is that I’ve grown so deeply inside that the strictures of the corporate world have become like chains of ridiculousness on my freed soul!

    My soul refuses to be rechained. My emotions have been released. They are screaming, “You cannot take me back to Egypt! I am free!”

    I am praying that God will open up a door to work with people, where I can use my gifts!

  261.  #261Emerson on October 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    149 etc..Daria thanks for your responses! I feel supported to read your suggestions, and thank you for reading my questions and comments 🙂 I feel
    heard 🙂 and acknowledged. It feels nice

  262.  #262English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    #256 Esteemed

    So sorry to hear about your job. 🙁

    I do know how it feels to be in a bad work situation and I can’t tell you how many times I have been on the verge of just walking out lately but…………..

    Here’s hoping something comes up real soon for you and oh congratulations on moving into your own house today. 🙂

  263.  #263Emerson on October 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    Hi Laughing Goddess 😀

  264.  #264English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    #160 Marina

    Interesting concept though I only watched a bit of the first video, but to be honest the last thing on my mind whilst giving birth was an orgasm lol!! (googly eyed icon needed here!)

  265.  #265English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    #162 Susan

    Mmmm I wonder how it is that you get to that feeling of utter security? Maybe when you have a ring on the finger? Then of course he can still leave, or have an affair or be unavailable.

    It must therefore have to start with ourselves, I still have a long way to go, but baby steps. 🙂

  266.  #266English Woman on October 28, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    Sorry Susan

    I am just catching up and didn’t see you already answered Ella’s question.

    Oh that physical attraction is so hard to detox from lol!!

  267.  #267Tiffany on October 29, 2011 at 4:02 am

    @ English Woman #264

    “to be honest the last thing on my mind whilst giving birth was an orgasm lol!!”

    It’s true. Some women have (incredibly intense) orgasms during birth. But I don’t think it’s something you “think about.” It just happens. Not all the time, obviously. But if you think about it, an orgasm produces oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone needed to connect with the baby. So it’s not all that strange. Our bodies are amazing things. 🙂

  268.  #268Daria on October 29, 2011 at 4:29 am

    he called and reassured me.

    i said i feel like im pressuring you and i don’t want to feel that way and i feel desperate and helpless

    so he came and brought it to me after his work, and we went out.

    i felt relievd. excpet 10 dollars is misisng… his buddies.

    i will ask him to reinburse me, actually. but i didn’t want to say it there. i felt afraid of being turned on (against). like he was gonna think im ungrateful and then verbally attack me. which would feel scary and bad.

    So much practice im getting done here…

    i noticed i communicate in a shaming way i wasnt noticing before

    like im like “oh” you “like” this? kimda attitude…right

    im freling so sleepy

  269.  #269Tiffany on October 29, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Wow, I just realized how much I posted earlier. Yikes! Where is everyone else? lol

    It is 4 a.m., and I can’t sleep because I feel so annoyed by this guy. Maybe it was because I wrote about it earlier. I almost didn’t write anything. It probably wasn’t even worth writing about.

    The thing is, I was *happy* I hadn’t seen him in so long. I didn’t *want* to. And then when he contacted me, I tried to tell him I was busy. He persisted. He wouldn’t listen to me, or let go of his “agenda” (i.e. that I was going to drop whatever I was doing to go run and jump on him in the middle of the afternoon – on a weekday that he just happened to have off.)

    I’m glad I stayed on *my* schedule. But his actions (or lack thereof) and his assumptions are so intolerable to me. That he can expect something from me that, to me, is just so totally unreasonable.

    So I woke up at 3 a.m., totally normal. Except that instead of going right back to sleep, every time I lie there, all I can think about are scripts that I want to write to him to say how angry I feel. Or to tell him not to contact me. And part of me is saying, “That’s not really a good idea” because that will just bring more attention to the matter, which I’d rather avoid. It will probably make him think I “want” him.

    I want to be clear, but actions speak louder. If I write to him, he’ll perceive that I like him or something. I’ll just stroke his ego that much more.

    Which, with a narcissistic, manipulative guy like that is the last thing I want to do. Meanwhile, my feathers feel ruffled. Grrrr. Don’t like my feathers being ruffled.

    I feel teased. Even though I don’t like the guy, I actually *was* in the mood for a random hook-up. But he can’t get in the car and drive 1/2 an hour because it would be “too tiring.” yet he expects me to go all the way to his house – when I HAVE NO CAR.

    Yes. I think he might be insane.

    I’m actually not even quite sure that he’s human. he might be a robot. he might somehow be connected to the undead.

    Seems to me that when he said that he had “grown a conscience,” he lied.

    He is a liar.

    He is a liar, and he is a person who is only happy when he is getting other people (i.e. women) to do what HE wants. he is NOT the kind of person that I want to be with. And even if I let myself “hook up” with him, I would probably get hurt.

    My only regret is that I did not end the conversation sooner. not for lack of trying…I just feel like I wasted so much time and energy on that, but only becuase it seemed, very briefly, that he was starting to consider actually coming to see me.

    But then he started in with the excuses. Like he was looking for any excuse NOT to put in the effort. Looking for ways to UNDERCUT my validity in the situation – to devalue ME so that HE doesn’t have to step up. And if that’s what he is doing, then this man has ISSUES. Issues I do not want to deal with.

    It’s easy to sit here and think, this is somehow my fault. But that’s how it ALWAYS feels when someone is an abuser. He is an abuser. And if I let him too close, he will abuse me. I am afraid.

    I know what abusers are like, and I know that I attract it into my life because I’ve been abused.

    But I’m still loving myself. I am still okay. I still respect myself, because I really *didn’t* let this guy abuse me, or my time. I just feel teased, and annoyed, and a little bit angry. And I just want to go to sleeeeeeeep!!!!

    I love me, I love me, I love me. I am giving myself a big hug. One guy can NOT have such a big influence on me. he is ridiculous and pathetic, and I love me.

    I am the best, and I deserve the BEST.

    At least much, MUCH better.

    Thank you.

  270.  #270Tiffany on October 29, 2011 at 4:37 am

    Okay, I feel a bit better now. Just trying not to write to *him* – I’ll feel better in the morning. xoxo

  271.  #271Riley on October 29, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Ok so I have good news, and something I need your help with as well. I commented on one of the circular dating posts earlier last year or so (I can’t remember precisely when it was…but anyway, back to what I was saying.) I think I told you about my difficult Marriage (more recently discovered to be toxic!)? Well, after 3 years of the constant emotional rollercoaster and sheer disrespect, I finally left him and moved on as I just couldn’t bear to be with him anymore! The pain he inflicted through his indifference was just too much to handle. He always had an excuse for his bad behavior. Anyway, 6 months before my divorce, I met someone really amazing, his name is Raphael. He treats me like his Queen! Needless to say, he was the one who fell in love with me so intensely, it scared me…!! I guess the whole crumb-taking queen concept comes to mind, I hate to say it. In my last post, I was so upset and just desperate for an answer to my problems that I forgot to mention I was a very young mother of 2 beautiful children! Anyway, back to Raphael…he is just so affectionate towards me, he’d used to come over just to hold me and kiss me, and told me that he loved me so much, that I was everything to me and other things, that if I mentioned here, would take up an entire post! Lol. At first, I was skeptical about his feelings as my ex-husband made so many empty promises and never followed through. I told him this in a feeling message that I was feeling a bit hesitant about jumping in to a relationship with him or anyone for that matter, as the wounds were still fresh and that it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to pursue a rebound relationship, as things were really intense from his end. Raph said he’d wait an eternity for me if he had to. He’s already met my children and is really enthusiastic about adopting them and raising them as his own, in fact it was his idea! 3 weeks ago, he proposed to me and once again was really intense about his love for me. Btw we haven’t slept together yet, he wants it to be in that perfect moment-I’m guessing on our wedding night (I accepted his proposal after taking things slow for 6 months; so I’m engaged now.) But it has been a little over 2 weeks since I’ve heard from him. I’m a little afraid that his interest in me might have waned a bit as he hasn’t called yet or come over. I don’t want to become needy and clingy as it will only push him away more. But I’m feeling hurt and confused by his sudden distance–yet I want to give him the time and space to come to me. May I also mention that being with him in the first few weeks and in most ways is still relaxing to a certain point. Like there’s no obsessive thinking until the past 2-3 weeks. I don’t know what to say or do to have him beside me again. I would also like to ask for suggestions on things to do that would help me cope while he’s not around. Something that involves my 2 kids (both under the age of 5; one son who’s 2 and a daughter who’s 3 and a half). Please suggest as I want this relationship to be a fresh start. Also, this is the 3rd that I’ve had to post on because I didn’t get a response on the other 2. I feel as if I’m not getting any help on my situation. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve heard from him! I feel really upset and feel like having a good cry. 🙁

  272.  #272English Woman on October 29, 2011 at 4:51 am

    #271 Riley

    Sorry I can’t help you more but I would say, YES have a good cry if that’s what you want to do……sink into your feelings and REALLY feel how you feel, I think Rori says sink to your knees or sit on the floor, anyways stick around and engage and I am sure the wise Sirens will be up and about soon as they are mostly in the USA and we have the time zone thing going on……

  273.  #273English Woman on October 29, 2011 at 4:53 am

    See sometimes people post long “stories” on here and get all kinds of good advise and help and you never see or hear from them again…….so it’s pays to keep in touch on here and you will get sooo many aha moments it will blow your mind!! 🙂

  274.  #274English Woman on October 29, 2011 at 4:56 am

    #255 Kayla

    Yes I get very confused too, seems we read contradictory viewpoints. Even the Sirens are sometimes not quite in agreement……….mmmmm…….it’s just such a different way of “being” for many of us, especially the overfunctioners of which I put both hands (and feet :)) up to being one, or at least I was…….still baby steps for me.

  275.  #275Esteemed on October 29, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Snow is forecasted here today. It is virtually unheard of in October. But I postponed MT move until next week.

    Thank you, EW.

  276.  #276LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 6:25 am

    When someone makes me feel like I owe them, I feel unworthy…like they didn’t give to me bc they feel I am deserving or loved, but they rather gave to me to get something back.
    Like they’re in it for themselves.
    Feels icky to me to receive from someone when they give for themselves.

    Giving should be a pure demonstration of love and appreciation for the person we are giving to.

    A close friend of mine gives in that “unselfish” way and never makes me feel like she expects anything back. She makes me feel free, makes me feel all loving and warm towards her. Makes me want to be w her and cherish that friendship.

    When I think of that friendship, I think of how I do not inspire in men what my friend inspires in me…how I make them feel like they owe me just for loving them. Like bc I love them, they owe me to love me back.

    I have the urge to beat myself up bc I should know better: My mother always made me feel like I owed her everything. She would always make me feel guilty and bad about any good thing she ever did for me by telling me how much I owe her.
    I grew up feeling unworthy, trapped and suffocated.

    I should know that’s how I make someone feel when I lash out my anger at them for not returning for what I gave.
    I see how expressing my anger for not getting back what I gave, in a blaming and punishing way makes them feel like they owe me.
    I see how they can feel they owe me when I say to them “You didn’t do that for me, so I won’t do that for you”.

    I should know how that can make someone feel unworthy, trapped and suffocated like I felt growing up. I should know better bc I know very well what it’s like when someone makes me feel like I owe them.

    I can feel good feeling like I owe someone when it comes from myself, when I’m free to decide for myself that I owe them and they don’t impose it on me. Bc then I can feel like I’m giving back to them freely from my own heart and not out of obligation.

    Instead of beating myself up for seeing how I can make someone feel unworthy, trapped and guilty for “owing” me, I will thank myself for taking myself to this post and seeing how it relates to me…thank myself for giving to myself, for giving myself this opportunity to learn and grow.
    A pat on my back for being honest with myself.

  277.  #277mali on October 29, 2011 at 6:52 am

    LILI 41: Your post SO resonates with me, I can relate on so many levels. My mother is the same, she didn’t receive much love, and wasn’t able to achieve what she wanted to during her childhood. And so she feels as if I owe her a lot. I can understand why she feels that way, but I do feel suffocated by it, and angry.

    However, I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling happy and loved, I give from my heart, simply because I want to, without weighing up what they have or haven’t done for me. And that comes from loving myself, finding the beauty in the small things =) I’ve found that in just taking a hugely loving and free approach towards myself, I am so often happy <3

  278.  #278mali on October 29, 2011 at 6:55 am

    @ Tiffany- 269: Lots of love to you, you gorgeous, sexy, strong woman! GO YOU for keeping to your boundaries. YES!

  279.  #279LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 6:59 am

    I have a lot to catch up on here. I don’t want to miss a thing.

    I have been busy cd’ing in my own way, practicing the tools w everyone:

    Instead of lashing out my anger at everyone and shutting them out, I reached out to them in a new way:
    I work with a couple of men and I always blame them for dumping everything on my shoulders. I complain to them but keep saying yes to everything and keep doing everythin. But none of them offer their help.
    So instead of complaining, I communicated how I felt overwhelmed and exhausted, how I don’t have the energy to do 10 to 12 hours a day like I used to. My tone of voice was not angry, I was speaking in a tone that was just expressing myself.
    I had noticed in the previous post/thread how my anger is all about hiding my fear and blaming. I just got to the core of my feelings without involving anyone else. So that leaves no room for anger.
    That made me able to express myself in an authentic way.

    I then asked “Would you mind helping me out by dealing with this directly yourself? I would really appreciate the help and it would get faster results for you. I just don’t feel I have enough energy to keep up right now, and I wouldn’t feel good to let you down.”
    He stepped up w a huge warm smile! And everytime he ran into me in the hall, he kept giving me an update about it with such enthousiasm!
    I have been trying to get that man to step up and pull his weight for a couple of years now. I felt angry that he earns more $ than me, takes his 1hour break for lunch, only does his own thing, never volunteers to help when he has plenty of time to spare, and leaves after his minimum required hours in a day. It felt so unfair!
    I was complaining at how I bendover backwards for people and how no one moved for me.
    1 FM moment and now look at him go, moving for me!

    Allthough I’m not cd’ing in a romantic way, I am cd’ing by practicing FMs on everyone and anyone, and seeing how that makes people feel and the reaction I get out of them.


  280.  #280LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 7:41 am


    Hi Mali

    My mother “was” like that. She no longer is. I told her how much I am thankful to have had such a giving mother. I told her how I see her love for me, and how I would always be back to see her and would always love her even if she never gave me anything again.
    She is no longer cold and demanding since I said those things to her. Now she just greets me w warm hugs, just listens to me and accepts me the way I am without trying to control me.
    She no longer makes me feel like I owe her everything, and it makes me want to give her everything.
    Can’t wait to be with her during the holidays. I have to travel 7 hours to see her. I miss her very much…funny how 10 years ago I avoided her like the plague.

  281.  #281rose on October 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

    #122 and #154 Follow up post:

    he texted me yesterday “Hey what’s up? Been hectic and busy”. ugggh!

    wrote back a quick sentence that I went out. and he wrote back a joke. and i haven’t written again – mostly because i don’t want to be left hanging again! how the heck do i express this honest reason for being upset? i don’t want to be left hanging, it feels bad to not hear from you for a week, and it make me feel insecure about what we have, and i don’t want to progress physically? all of that sounds like a threat – if you don’t keep in touch i’ll withhold physical intimacy.

  282.  #282Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:57 am

    I feel inspired to hear this about your mother…I hope I can get to that point with mine.

    I can only take “so much” of being with my Mom. I feel uncomfortable around her a lot of the time, like tense and like she is going to “want” something from me….

    I feel pressured like I will be required to give her a LOT of validation and reassurance. I also feel that she takes the role of the victim in so many circumstances.

    My MOm is so codependent and guilt trippy..and often makes her feelings the priority even if I’m the one who is first expressing hurt or anger…even when it’s totally totally unrelated to her….she manages to find a way to make it about HER and therefore totally dispels the importance of my feelings being valid.

    It’s so annoying but I feel excited that I’ve come to this realization just VERY recently…and been able to put the piece together that it’s been happening my whole life…

    and perhaps that’s why I choose men who do the same thing to me…because I’ve been TAUGHT that my feelings should be stuffed so the other person can be comforted. 🙄

  283.  #283Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 8:19 am

    269 Tiffany
    I’ve felt that way in the past where a man’s behavior is really bothering me….and it’s good to vent it out here on the blog…
    Hmm his behaviour sounds “boyish” not like a man..and he’s just playing games to see the least he has to do to see you. Blah. Boring.

    Good for you sticking to your boundaries. In the past, I’ve still felt annoyed like why would he think that’s ok to do to me? I would feel disrespected, etc…but it’s about him not you.

    beatiful siren Tiffany…..only a ‘man’ deserves your time and attention, not this ‘boy’…..imho
    Just my two cents.

  284.  #284Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 8:20 am

    268 Daria
    I’m so glad to hear you got your stuff back, but the ten dollars missing bothers me. He has buddies that would steal money??? I feel bad to hear this. He should have automatically replaced it, in my opinion, without you having to ask. Kind of sounds like he is BSing.

  285.  #285Tiffany on October 29, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Hi Emerson – Yes! That’s exactly how it felt. Boyish, boring, yawn, playing games. So annoying. Blah.

    And thank you, Mali!

    Yay, Siren support! xoxo

  286.  #286Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 9:22 am

    285 tiffany 🙂

  287.  #287T-Girl on October 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

    271 Riley,

    I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. If I was engaged to someone and hadn’t heard from him in 3 weeks…well, lets just say that would not fly in my book. Unacceptable. Now is the time to start taking care of yourself.

  288.  #288Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 9:32 am

    I have been so busy with work, I haven’t kept up on the last couple of blog posts….but catching up now that I have a couple days off.

    Esteemed sorry about your job. That is shocking and sad and scary. I know how excited you were about it! I understand wanting to stick to your guns. I’m sure you will find something that is fulfilling and a good fit for you. It can be hard in work situations, I have found in my own life, because I want to stick up for myself and be true to myself, but I often keep my mouth shut for fear of losing my job. It’s a tough balance….

  289.  #289Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 9:35 am

    I feel that when I was a “new” siren I was really good at always doing the waterwheel…I was on fire and very focused on the “tools”….I’ve found that now I feel a bit dull and I forget to be sireny in public,…I’ve been feeling a bit low.

    I need to spend the weekend getting focused on ME and taking care of myself…and caring for ME…and waterwheeling when I go out in public, practicing I’m all that…because when I do them it’s VERY powerful! Maybe I’ve been afraid of my own power. 🙂 …and that’s why I kinda stopped doing them so much!! Will start again this weekend!!!!

  290.  #290Starla on October 29, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Everything worked itself out.

    Crack Fix showed up to our date with a dozen roses. Awww, I guess while he was “withdrawing” he decided I deserved roses. Then he took me to my favorite restaurant. We went to my favorite train station where you can play with the rainbow colored lights and they create sounds and music. And to the bookstore and to a park.

    On the way to dinner he brought up the concert I was worried about. He said he couldn’t make it because he forgot his best friend is having a Halloween party in a city about an hour away, but he really wants me to come. Double bonus – I didn’t have to bring up the stupid concert, AND he gave me Halloween plans.

    He spent a lot of time last night telling me how much he likes me. No talk of commitment yet, and I feel relieved. I’m not ready either. I’m still having a fabulous time CDing.

    We fell asleep at my house last night after he gave me a backrub. It was his first time spending the night. We still haven’t had sex.

    He took me to breakfast and told me his mom got me a christmas present and he thinks it is extremely thoughtful and fitting for me. How sweet that this woman who hasn’t even met me has bought me a present. He must talk about me a lot:)

  291.  #291Starla on October 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Esteemed, I’m sorry to hear about your job. I’m lighting some incense in honor of your next job, which shall hopefully come quickly.

  292.  #292Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Well UsherCD turned out to be a boy not a man, at least in some ways. I have only met him once, and since then only communicated by text. He sent me a text in the middle of the night a couple days ago asking if I was still awake 🙁


    I was not happy about that, it felt bad and weird, like a booty call….??? I texted back the next day and communicated in a brief, carefully scripted feeling message that I didn’t like that and don’t want late night texts…that I felt uncomfortable, etc..suffice it to say he said he replied that he thought it was better to text than call that late…what????

    ummm….I responded that either one would have not been ok..at that hour…and that I felt akward having this coversation….

    He responded all negative and defensivey that he will not call/text me anymore because he doesnt want to do any more “wrong” things…. waaahhhh little boy zone here.

    And then wished me well on my future. WTF?

    I wrote back but now wish I had not. I just said thanks and that I would have felt open to talk to him but not at that hour, that was all I was trying to convey.

    I’ve also said to him a couple times during this convo and in the past that it’s kinda hard to decipher texts sometimes, and can be misunderstood…but he just keeps texting.

    Now I feel icky and uncomfortable and I hope I don’t run into him in town. Blech. Kinda scary. Why do I feel fear? 🙄

    I love me.

  293.  #293Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Emerson, if you run into him in town, just lean back, do Rori’s body tools, and smile. You’ve done nothing wrong and neither has he (in the grand scheme of the universe). All is well. Remember that:)

  294.  #294rose on October 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

    #292 Emerson

    I think you did the right thing by saying how you felt. that you were uncomfortable with late night communication.

    in my opinion his reaction was one of a person who doesn’t like limits, but everyone needs limits. you are respectfully asking him to respect you. and he is having a fit about it. maybe he is craving a weaker girl, someone who won’t rock the boat and will let him do what ever he wants. but that girl is not you. and that girl will not last long, because he will want limits.

    kinda rambly, hope it makes sense. basically i think you did the right thing, he might just suck.

  295.  #295Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Thank you Starla I feel you are correct and thanks for the reminder to do the tools…it will be ok 🙂

  296.  #296Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

    lol thank you rose! Yah maybe he just does suck…haha 😀
    Well anywho..it was a good opportunity to practice saying how I feel!!!

  297.  #297Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I think I will spend my day off today relaxing in a cute outfit while having a coffee at a coffee house….and I’ll bring my laptop so I can catch up on the blog!

    Hmm what to wear…so I feel inspired to practice the tools!!!

    I don’t have a lot of friends to hang out with right now, they are all pretty busy with family and kids etc…and my single friends are busy too….so I spend a lot of time alone when not with work people…. 🙁 sometimes I feel sad about this but it’s ok….I’ve been wanting to branch out with that site meetup.com….

  298.  #298Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:24 am

    ladies!! something strange happened to me this morning….I cracked my egg in the pan, and there were TWO yolks! It was twins! I felt kind of freaked out about it at first, but then I thought maybe it’s a good sign! I have never seen that before!!! Has anyone ever had “twins” when cracking an egg?

    Maybe I will have twin babies one day!!??

  299.  #299Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:27 am

    I eat a lot of eggs, i’m an egg-eating goddess lol

    i get twin yolks every so often. But not since I’ve started eating all organic. Not sure if there’s a legit correlation there.

  300.  #300Sammie on October 29, 2011 at 10:29 am


    Yes, I cracked an egg open last year and was so shocked to see two yolks! That had never happened before or since! It seems like a good sign! 🙂

  301.  #301Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Emerson, everything is sooo going to be okay. If you keep saying how you feel in feeling messages to men and people in general, you’ll notice one day that you no longer feel anxious about stuff like this. You’ll just have acceptance and love for the “offender” (the kind that rubs you the wrong way and isn’t on your level but doesn’t actually insult or hurt you) and not feel guilty for your own feelings either.

    Really nice work, I say:) I am proud of you!

  302.  #302Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Crack Fix is taking me to a Halloween party where all his friends will be. I have yet to meet any of his friends except for one very briefly (he seemed way cool. A nerd like me!). I was feeling anxious about not meeting his friends or family (although i grew up with his sister) but something in my gut and my Rori education told me to let it go and let him lead and not push for this stuff. And here everything is working out nicely. I feel excited to meet all of his friends. They’re going to think I’m beautiful and interesting, and I’m sure I will think they are all charming and fun to be around.

  303.  #303Ella on October 29, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Ok Ladies,

    Another learning experience.

    I went to a Halloween Party at the local pub last night. I have not been out much at all since my birthday.

    Well I thought I would have lots of fun and actually as the night wore on I just felt really bored.

    The people there are sort of friends however all they actually wanted to do was get really, really drunk, and I didn’t really want to.

    I just was not in the mood.

    I tried to kinda join in and dance around to the music and I just wasn’t feeling it so eventually I just sat down quietly at the side.

    I was feeling uncomfortable and kinda displaced, like I didn’t belong.

    So I sat quietly with my feelings.

    It was interesting to see that none of my supposed drunk friends once came over to see if I was ok…

    That felt kinda bad.

    The only way to join in would have been to lean forward so I just sat with my own feelings.

    After a while a nice guy who I don’t know came over to chat and he asked how I was feeling and I was honest and he took my number.

    Afterwards I went back with some people to a friend’s house. I wanted to wait until I was sobre enough to drive home.

    I felt a bit better there but then there were issues with there being too many people and some people had to go and it felt really uncomfrotable, like Big Brother, waiting to see if you had been evicted.

    Well I kinda got the impression that they wanted me to go, and I didn’t.

    And today I realise that I will never put myself in that position again.

    I will never stay somewhere I don’t feel 100% welcome.

    Anyway I stayed for a bit and Pub Guy (from ages ago with the g,friend) was there and was paying me loads of attention.

    I have pretty much ingnored him since there were all those issues when his g,friend found out about us.

    However last night he was following me around and eventually we had a little cuddle and kiss on the sofa.

    After a while I left (he was asleep) and went home.

    And today I realise I don’t feel good about the experience at all.

    It feels like accepting crumbs when he had chosen her for official dates and as his official woman…

    Although I know he has REALLY strong feelings for me, he does not care enough to go out of his comfort zone to be with me.

    He is not really a guy I want anyway.

    But I do miss him a little.

    Anyway I realise it did not feel good allowing him to cuddle me and kiss me, when he is still with his g,friend.

    It has dented my self esteem a little instead of raising it (which most actions I have been choosing recently have been raising it).

    So, another time I am simply going to say no and express that it feels bad to accept less than when he has chosen another woman.

    Anyway, I realise that I just don’t want this kind of thing in my life anymore.

    I just don’t want it.

    The drinking, the alcohol based, fake feeling friendships, the drama when people are drunk, the alcohol fueled type of hook up thingies.

    I know I’ve been through this before and the truth is I am really feeling bored now.

    I am not saying I will never, ever go out with these people and party again, however it will be few and far between, maybe once every few months or something.

    There is so much else in my life I want to do right now.

    I will miss some stuff, and I do feel afraid of not getting offered any other weekend plans and sitting in on my own feeling bored and lonely, however reckon this is an NV fear… not a reality.

    I’m ready to try.

    Have been distancing myself from this kind of lifestyle for a while, and am going to continue on this path.

    Also I realise that I want a man whose life does not revolve around drinking too.

    Feeling a little bit low self esteem today, a little icky about myself, however I am beingg gentle with myself and I feel pleased for my awareness and insights on this. ]

    And I feel happy and grateful that I am finally feeling really bored and turned off by this stuff.

  304.  #304Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

    I’m trying not to think about Recycled.

    I love me

  305.  #305Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Ella, but don’t you see?! You are raising your self esteem just by taking the time to notice what leaves it feeling dented! You are so money.

  306.  #306tinque on October 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Twin yolks are not uncommon. I don’t eat eggs but K does, and I bake with them. I once had a box of eggs in which four or five had twin yolks. I’ve seen twins before but not multiples. That was a surprise. They were organic eggs too.


  307.  #307Ella on October 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

    I am still feeling insecure with CD1 and that he could have a secret wife and children stashed away that he is hiding from me.

    There is definitely something that he is hiding from me. Well maybe!

    And yesterday when he took me for coffee he was so lovely and step up. Opening my door etc. He also put air in my tires.

    I feel confused because he never arranges evening dates and he doesn’t seem to want to take up lots of my time… like he seems to get distracted with work and whatever else he does, and then remember about me and call me up (a lot when he gets back in touch, like he’ll keep calling and texting till I get back to him) to arrange something.

    It just feels so slow and I am used to men who want a relationship with me, in the past, to literally want to see me almost every day, so this feels confusing.

    Apart from this I feel good with him.

    He has mentioned a couple of times about holidays he’s had in the past, and he will say ‘we’ went here or there.. and the boys did this or that, and then he will say he is referring to his nephews and God children.

    He says he doesn’t have any children. he wants them… And he sees his nephews a lot.

    Also I asked him for one of his business cards, and he said he doesn’t have any bc his business is online.

    This feels weird to me as he is a big business man with a few different businesses.

    I feel suspicious and I don’t really know why or if I am legitimate in my suspicions or being unfair.

    On the plus points when he takes me out he is very affectionate in public, which I wouldn’t have thought he would do if he was married, although he lives in another town…

    He is always holding my hand, and kissing/cuddling me in busy, public places.

    And he has invited me to his place of work, although he is the only one who works there.

    On Monday he is fixing my computer for me.

    I would love some Siren input on this please?

    What do I do? How do I handle my feelings and take the best care of myself in this situation?

    And how do I say to him that I would like him to arrange some evening dates?

    Do I even mention this?

    Its mainly only because I feel suspicious that he doesn’t ask for evening dates… like why not? Is it cus he goes home to a family?

    Urghhh, so confused Siren here about this one.

    Although I am ok I would just love to know what other Sirens think/feel about this.

    Btw he doesn’t wear a wedding ring and there is no mark on that finger.

    He has told me he lives with his ex, in separate rooms, for financial reasons.

    He also told me that he told her about me…

    Thanks in advance for any thoughts/feelings.

  308.  #308Ella on October 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Oh and CD1 doesn’t drink.

    I believe he has some qualities I would like tp develop for me…

  309.  #309Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Ella, I feel inspired reading what you wrote! How much courage you had to sit with your feelings at the pub when you didnt’ feel like dancing/etc….hmm I would have probably panicked and left the place, to go home and withdraw. But you sank into your feelings, and wow a guy approached you and you were honest!

    So awesome and I feel inspired to be that way too…it’s like I constantly need permission to feel my feelings instead of stuffing…:-(

    and I find it inspiring that you naturally sat there and embraced your feelings…didn’t abandon yourself. 🙂 As Starla said…you ARE so money!!

  310.  #310Starla on October 29, 2011 at 11:00 am



  311.  #311Ella on October 29, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Starla re 305


    That feels good to hear.


  312.  #312Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 11:04 am

    @109: VW says:
    “…oh, wow SLV…. i love it…never seen it before…i love the oldies…awesome dancing and musicals…thank u, thank u …:)
    warm hugs,…”

    Glad you liked it, I did too. I tuned it up when the heat came on in the apartment. My granddaughter was intrigued, she likes dance, and asked me if I was alive at the time of the performance. I told her I was but I wasn’t at that performance!

    Also, one of my college friends performed a modified version of this dance during a dorm frolic in my freshman year…. Yay, girlfriend. 😀


  313.  #313Ella on October 29, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Emerson re 309,


    And I felt TERRIFIED. And awkward, and a bit stupid.

    But tbh I bet no-one even noticed… they were all too drunk! Lol.

    I guess I have made some progress, cus my old response to those uncomfortable feelings would have been to drink more…


  314.  #314Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:04 am

    307 Ella
    I would say go with your gut feelings…if you feel uneasy down in your gut…it’s not something you should ignore. Do you feel this way?

    Hmm…I also had someone say to me about Recycled, to “trust but verify,” because he has hidden information from me before, which felt bad.

    One being that he also lives with his “ex” gf and in separate rooms….and I really really don’t like it at all one bit. I feel impatient and annoyed that he shares a roof with her, but that’s just me. I wish he did not, but he does.

    It all depends on how you feel about it, and if he’s invited you to the house and offered to meet the ex, that would be something I’d want to do….before getting my feelings involved too much…

    He sounds thoughtful and I know it’s nice having attention and affection (Recycled is like that too, but not in public so much, but in general)…..

  315.  #315Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

    313 Ella
    I’ve experienced something similar, where I just literally woke up one day and realized “I feel bored with the partying and folishness…”

    I used to party kind of a lot and had so much fun sometimes, but it gets old…. 🙄 ….so I hear you.

    And for me, those “friends” sort of fell by the wayside…and new jobs/friends opened up for me…..

  316.  #316Ella on October 29, 2011 at 11:10 am


    In my gut I feel uneasy.


    And I am unsure if it is just me with my insecurities about men.

    Yes, if he brought me to the house and introduced me that would solve it… totally.

    But how do I ask him for that? It would be leaning forward, controlling.

    Oh, also one of the other Sirens here mentioned that she used to live with her ex, and they agreed not to bring people back out of respect for the other, although it was over…

    Or if I don’t suggest that what do I do? Just keep expressing that I feel uncomfortable?

    Last time I brought it up he said that it will take time and we will slowly build a solid foundation, and then I will know.


  317.  #317Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Starla 301 thank you and 302 that sounds exciting that you are going with crack fix! That name just makes me laugh…because that’s totally what I should be naming my RecycledCD….altho he’s not so much on my radar anymore….

    And I go back and forth pining for him and not…. 🙁 Like he’s not really what I want, where he is right now, is kinda boyish and fem energy…but we have a history and he’s funny/fun/cute/hot/sexy so I do miss him terribly sometimes… 🙁

  318.  #318Ella on October 29, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Why do I feel so confused about what are my intincts versus my insecurities?

    In all honesty I do think I feel suspicion in my gut about CD1.

    But I do not know!!!!


  319.  #319Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:17 am

    316 Ella…
    Hmm I feel that it would be ok to ask for that, and express your feelings of being uncomfortable, because for me, it means being true to one’s boundaries and feelings. Not stuffing it down.

    I feel that it’s a fair thing to ask. IMHO, if he balks at the suggestion, then that’s a bad sign, like he has something to hide.

    I could be wrong….but I personally don’t see this as leaning forward, I see it as laying out a boundary for your comfort zone and then asking him what he thinks….

    You could perhaps use the “I’m just curious” tool…I remember Rori talked about it before…

    I feel weird giving you advice when I don’t know what the heck I’m doing myself… LOL but Ella I’m just brainstorming here…and I hope you don’t mind me throwing around these suggestions…it’s helpful for me to have this dialogue…

  320.  #320Ella on October 29, 2011 at 11:23 am


    No, not at all!

    It feels really helpful.

    Maybe I feel a bit afraid to be that bold… and I will if I decide its a good thing to do.

    I will wait and see what some other Sirens also say before I decide…



  321.  #321Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I like those old musicals too… Yum!

    But also living in 2011. Today I took a look at my Facebook Developer’s Release info for the new FB personal profile format being rolled out next week.

    “Profile Pics” will go and … enter “Cover Photo.” Facebook Wall will “poof” and enter… “Timeline.” It looks good.

    I’ll ponder a bit how this might affect other FB pages iframes as well as “CD friending” (I don’t do that anyway… :lol:)
    What do y’all think?

    I’ve had FB account for years but not a big FB fan so I don’t know if I’ll activate mine before the official launch…let’s see…

    Heavy snow today… the magic season begins!

  322.  #322Starla on October 29, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Well, now that I’ve had a moment to myself apart from other people (particularly a CD) and the weekend has begun, I am feeling weird. Anxious that I don’t feel anxious. Noticing the drama in me slowly come to its final death. It’s kinda sputtering on fumes right now. I can feel it kicking up but then not having enough fuel to maintain combustion.

    It is kinda cool to watch the death of inner drama and fear and know in your heart that you are actively healing in the moment.

  323.  #323Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:36 am

    321 SLV i admire your techie-ness and being on the up and up with the newest FB news!
    Does that mean all FB will change for all users?

    Ack I feel frustrated with this, I’m supposed to be part of the techie generation but I find it cumbersome to keep up with all the changes. 🙄

  324.  #324Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 11:38 am

    @138: Emoticon says:
    “…So…. I have a question! How leany forward is it if I feel bad for a CD who just had surgery n decide 2 buy him a card n some candy?…”

    Yeah, it’s lean forwardy and I’d sure do it!

    I take it you’ve had more than a date or two? If so, any of my guys would get a card (maybe I’d skip the candy) if they’d had surgery!!! I’m a goddess of light and happiness not an ice witch.

    Just what I’d do… of course… ;D


  325.  #325Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Ella I’m glad you feel that way about our dialogue….
    I find it helpful and empowering…in case I come accross this situation again, I will handle it differently.

    I initially got really really upset with Recycled when I found out he lived with his ex and had not told me….(he used to live in his own place, which I’ve been to, but then we didn’t see/talk for a while and he was involved with someone else and moved in w/her, didnt work out and now they still live together)…

    long story…but anyway when I found out he was living with a girl…I was upset and felt betrayed, because he’d been implying that he was really interested in reconnecting with me and having a future…and i felt just crushed…and suspicious….
    He asked me to come to their place one time, and I said no, also she was not there and he knew that, so it was “safe” for him that she would not have to meet me.

    At any rate, I declined, and when I asked about it since, he hasn’t welcomed the idea.

    They also have the “agreement” that neither will have guests/or people they are dating come over…but appasrently he was going to violate that to have me over that one time he offered when she was not there. 🙁 I feel bad just writing that.

    It all felt weird and uncomfortable. When I brought it up again, he got defensive and it was unpleasant, but I am proud of myself for expressing the discomfort I felt.

  326.  #326Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 11:47 am

    @144: English Woman says:
    “…It is lean forwardy to buy a card and candy for a CD that just had surgery?..”

    Yes. It is lean forwardy.

    “Wow I sure have a lot to learn, I thought that was just a kind gesture…………..hhhmmmmmm…”

    You are right. Yes, it is also a kind gesture. I do kind gestures. If my man has surgery he gets at least a kind gesture… I don’t ignore him and walk around with my nose in the air waiting for a gift.

    I recognize we all are looking for different kinds of relationships. What I would do (have done) and described is the kind of relationship I want to have… will have.

    Of course some women might have men that aren’t worth being kind to.


  327.  #327Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

    @153: Laughing Goddess says:
    “This reminds me of a sitation that Rori helped me with a while back when I wasn’t sure if it would be leaning forward to organize a birthday party for my love. Rori said to go for it….

    Absolutely! It’s not the “lean forwardness” it’s the relationship and the specific situation. You would not do this for a guy you’d just met! Well, you know that…

    I’m getting an impression that some sirens are determined to never do anything for their men or give back anything ever! I’m not sure of the status of their current relationships but that would not be the kind of relationship I’d ever want. I like “the dance” where I’ve been courted and then we’ve joined hands and commenced … dancing!!


  328.  #328Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Speaking for myself, I could have told Recycled (instead of being so upset)

    Wow, I feel kinda uncomfortable that you share a roof with an ex and I feel akward that it seems I’m not welcomed to go to your house. What do you think?

    I actually did say something similar to this after the fact of finding out that he lived with her, and after I declined the initial offer to go to his house but then he never offered again, and it was really bugging me….

    except I think I said…instead of what do you think…I think I said something like “what’s going on with that”….because he had mentioned before that he wanted her to move out because she was not paying rent or some crap. He’s so drama!!!!!!!

    But it did not go over well….I brought it up while we were out having a meal and he shut me down and said he didn’t want to talk about it over breakfast…went on to tell me he has such a stressful job, and that his down time is precious and he just wants to relax, and that he chose to spend it with me…etc….

    He’s really frustrating to talk with sometimes. It’s all about him and his feelings. = maybe he’s a girl. LOL

    Now I’m just venting….not really intending any advice here Ella…just sharing….

    I really want to heal this. I want him off my radar but then I don’t. I want to heal this confusion and why I’m attracted to somethign so toxic has to do with my family history of physical abuse. 🙁 Not in my direct family, but in my family history. I want to squash it.

  329.  #329Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I want to get ready to go out and start my day…but I’m feeling tight in my tummy and teary…and like squishing my eyes shut and tight throat…like I’m scared to go anywhere…..that it will feel painful….

    I feel jealous and sad sometimes when I go out on weekends and see all these families out and about…

    I miss the days with my (toxic) ex and his daughter…when I had a “family” too. 🙁

    I’m really dumping out a lot on here today ladies….I’ve been holding a lot in for the past week focusing on work and today it’s all rushing at me….

  330.  #330Daria on October 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I am feeling overwhelmed with my cd. Whew!

    It feels like a roller coaster with him.

    Overall I feel good… I feel curious about him and aww about some of the things he does.

    Like today, he told me… I’m learning… You teach me stuff.

    This was after I had said ‘ouch’ to one of the comments about seeing other men. And he said ‘what it makes you feel like ‘ill do what I want!” ? And I’m like, no, it just feels like ‘ouch’ and my body tightens and I grabbed my arms.

    And that’s when he said that. I felt touched hehe.

    He’s like he’s relearning how to be a gentleman he says. And I’m like aww that feels so good that you Want to learn… I like that !

    Otherwise tho I feel kinda emotionally exhausted. And jumpy and on edge…defense.

    I got So much practice that is new for me.

    For example I said.. Heard myself saying

    Wow I feel angry. That doesn’t feel funny to me. I don’t want to feel that way.

    With full passion, and then relaxing and sinking again back into feeling good.

    I was like wow! I really rock!

    He’s also stopped talking of making other references to women… Like hell start and then say no wait I don’t want to bring that up… That will throw things off…

    He’s like sometimes I feel like I’m talking to you as a friend, cuz I feel comfortable with you, but I don’t want weird vibes to come up I get it about that.

    Hehe I like that.

    And on the way back tonight I felt pressured about sex and that felt like such a turnoff.


    I have a date with him Again tonite and I feel like running away. I also do feel kinda excited about going to the event.

    I will see how I feel later.

  331.  #331Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    @216: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…I’m going to be a Golden Godddess….”

    Hi, LG. I’m a Golden Goddess too!. For the rest of the year also and …all of next year… maybe.


  332.  #332Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Regarding bringing a CD a card after surgery…I agree that it would depend how close you are and how well you know them…

    I’m not a big “card” person…but I may bring perhaps a magazine….and my company….

  333.  #333Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    @238: tinque says:
    “…Tiffany – Sleeping naked. It’s the only way to go….”

    Slept nude last night,.. but only because I was trying out a body lotion and it seemed a little moist and didn’t want clothing,,, “to stick?” Perhaps I used too much.


  334.  #334Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    330 Go Daria!
    I find it interesting and I learn a lot from reading about your CD experiences…
    I appreciate being reminded that I don’t have to tolerate listening to stuff about other women….
    I don’t want to hear it…
    In the past, I let it happen because I was honestly a bit curious, and I felt I could learn about the guy and find out info if I let him talk about it….but it ends up feeling blech and yucky and kind of haunting me later…..

    and like it’s been mentioned before…it does not build intimacy or depth….

  335.  #335Ella on October 29, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Well Emerson,

    I did say that to him ‘I feel uncomfortable hearing about your situation’ and basically he said that it was up to me whether to continuw dating him or not, and he hoped I would but he could understand how I felt and that he hoped he did not lose me through being honest.

    I said that if there was a way I could feel comfortable and safe dating him then I would continue…

    Obviously the best way from my point of view would be for him to bring me to this house so I could see, however he has not suggested this…

    His reply was that in time we would build a stable foundation and I would feel more trusting…


  336.  #336Starla on October 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    I am going as a gothic goddess:):)

    oooh fun dress up time.

  337.  #337Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    @298: Emerson says:
    “…Has anyone ever had “twins” when cracking an egg? …”

    Yes. Double yolks nice. But a “fertile” egg… not so nice. I’ve had that too…


  338.  #338Ella on October 29, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    @ Emerson

    “I don’t want to hear it…
    In the past, I let it happen because I was honestly a bit curious, and I felt I could learn about the guy and find out info if I let him talk about it….but it ends up feeling blech and yucky and kind of haunting me later…..

    and like it’s been mentioned before…it does not build intimacy or depth….”

    Here, here!

    I vote NO to hearing about other women!


  339.  #339Daria on October 29, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Ella – @303

    Wow. Growing fast beautiful goddess…growing fast…

    I feel moved and teary

  340.  #340Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    @323: Emerson says:
    “…Does that mean all FB will change for all users?…”

    Yep, that’s what the buzz is. There seems to be a change every few weeks!! I just want to stay ahead of the curve. But the new default photo capabililty looks great!!! like a header or leaderboard banner ad.


  341.  #341Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Ella says
    “he hoped he did not lose me through being honest.”

    Recycled has said things like this before…very similar…and I find it triggering and a lil bit passive/aggressive/threatening/manipulative

    Kind of like he was saying…oh I’m being “honest” telling you this…so don’t punish me by not being ok with it, or getting upset…., or maybe otherwise I’ll be better off hiding things from you, if you can’t handle it…

    Ella not that your situation is exactly this way…but that’s how it was with me and Recycled…..I didn’t react feeling comfortable with what he was “honest” about…and he sort of came back with a veiled threat…

    feels bad….

    just my two cents and my experience….

    Also…you said
    “His reply was that in time we would build a stable foundation and I would feel more trusting…”
    Can you accomplish this without finding out more about his living situation and feel comfortable building a foundation where you may be more and more attached/invested while feeling uncertain about it his homelife…?

    If you are ok with this then that is up to you not right or wrong….but it makes me cringe….

    I feel hesitant sharing all this rawness….I don’t want to offend you or project my situation onto yours, no two situations are the same…

    I find it a bad sign if a man will not bring you to his house. He’s hiding something.

  342.  #342Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:32 pm


    I’m only slightly a geeky girl… Oh, I so hope my Sweetie is geeky guy…


  343.  #343Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    337 Hi SLV!! 😀
    I’ve never cracked a fertile egg!! It made me laugh when I read what you wrote, I don’t know why. 🙂

  344.  #344Daria on October 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Starla @death of drama

    Damn! That was beautiful!

  345.  #345Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Before I forget,

    Hello world. I’m thankful for the third little shopping miracle. I very much appreciate all abundance and encouragement from unexpected places.


  346.  #346Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    @343: Emerson says:
    “…me laugh when I read what you wrote, I don’t know why….”

    Me neither. Maybe you will find a fertilized yolk in your next egg. Small farm organic free range eggs… maybe you will… if there are any roosters around… Eeek!


  347.  #347Ella on October 29, 2011 at 12:49 pm


    That is how I felt too when he said that about he was just being honest etc…

    I felt kinda pissed, and I said I felt angry.

    I said it would feel awful if he was not honest.

    This dialogue we are having is REALLY helping me a lot…

    I don’t know the answers however I do feel I need some clarification on this issue if we are to continue seeing each other.

    It would sure feel better anyway.

    And I think for me it is just getting over my fear of asking…

    Rori says we can ask about things if something is feeling off, like ‘what is that about anyway?’ and this goes against all my trained ‘good girl’ stuff, so maybe there is some healing for me here.

    So its finding the strength to ask, and knowing how to bring it up and what to say to express myself.

    I feel afraid of being made a mug of, walked over and decieved. On the flipside I don’t want to close down or flip out either.

    I want to express, and feel unsure what to say.

  348.  #348Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    346 SLV oh it does not sound like a pretty sight….poor chicky!
    My Mom always taught me to crack my eggs in a separate bowl when using them for a recipe…for this reason…in case the egg is “bad” or turns out to have a partial chickie inside… you don’t ruin the batch of ingredients…..
    poor chickie Awww 🙁

  349.  #349Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    347 Ella

    It sounds like you have expressed yourself very well!
    Also sounds like he is putting off giving an answer….not being direct…

    I’m glad to hear that the dialogue between us is helping you…it’s helping me as well…to sort out how to let go of Recycled or if I do talk to him, I will have clearer boundaries about what I am comfortable with, and feeling less fear about the outcome because I have nothing to lose!

    I find it an insult to my intelligence to be brushed off by men when I inquire about something like their living situation. Recycled is very charming and affectionate, and has a way of getting me distracted when he doesn’t want to address something. I’m so easy to manipulate with affection, sometimes it works. Hmmph. Like he’s got his radar on that and takes advantage. Because I let him.

    And he’s said things like “lets just see what happens….I love spending time with you, I love your body and enjoy your company, being with you etc etc..”

    So I let it go…for another day…and it haunts me anyway. If I keep stuffing it down and then try to bring it up in a sireny way…the tension is still there and he can feel it bubbling over….my anger and frustration.

    I stuff it down and it comes out anyway, and its’ because I abandoned myself…trading my own loyalty for my need for affection. 🙁 It feels bad and needy on my part when it gets to that point.

    I also feel FURIOUS that I need some help sometimes, and yet he is not stepping up often to help me, yet he puts a roof on her head. SO ANGRY when I think of this. Oh it makes me want to puke. On his car. LOL…..

  350.  #350Senior Lady Vibe on October 29, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    @348: Emerson says:
    “…My Mom always taught me to crack my eggs in a separate bowl when using them for a recipe…”

    Wise Mom. Every now and then you’ll get one even in grocery store eggs. Only a teeny tiny bit is there… not a whole chickie… but a streak of blood or a dot of fluff or something is enough for it to be unpleasant.


  351.  #351Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    I feel thankful for you Ella that you are willing to have this discussion with me….it’s helping me to clarify some things with myself…

    Stuffing feelings is such a COMFORTABLE place for me to be….

    I feel scared to express myself and how I really feel, and I want to heal this…I’m getting better though.

    Last week, I used feeling messages with my boss, he’s pretty nice but sometimes he gets on a tangent with me and gets on my case…I used feeling messages to express msyelf and wow it softened him up right away and he ended up thanking me. hee hee….

  352.  #352Ella on October 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm


    It feels confusing.

    Because on the one hand not pushing the issue, and leaving space, that is where relationships can develop.

    But, I don’t want to let something develop with a man who is not really available for me.

    And this is what I want to know…

    Whether he is available.

    I could put a boundary in at any time.

    Ie: I will not see you until I feel comfortable about this situation.

    With a previous guy, who WAS actually married, and tried to make up some story about how it was a marriage of convenience, I said “I will not continue to date you unless you introduce me to her and she tells me that she is ok with it” (his wife).

    Needless to say he did not introduce me and he disappeared after that.

    Maybe I am afraid to do that here…

    But actually maybe I could…

    Say something like ‘I would need to come to the house and for her to see me with you before I would consider continuing to date you’…

    I am guessing a real, true, step up man would be fine with that.

    I don’t know.

    Would love to know what other Sirens think?

    Is it too forceful? Too lean forward and masculine?

    Emerson? Tinque? Daria? All Sirens, what do you think/feel?

  353.  #353Ella on October 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Maybe I can just express and then leave it to him to find the solution.

    Like “I feel really uncomfortable with this situation. I am not sure I have all the information. What is happening here?”

    And then just see what he says.

    And if he says nothing useful I can just say ‘I don’t feel comfortable’ and ‘I don’t want to meet up until I feel comfortable’ to any invitations.

    I appreciate he may not want to upset the apple cart before feeling sure that he has feelings for me, and on the other hand if there is nothing to hide then he will sort something out to make me feel comfortable.

  354.  #354Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    352 Ella
    I like it. To me, by saying that, it sounds like you VALUE yourself enough to speak up for your needs and what you FEEL comfortable with…you are expensive and valuable, you have high self esteem and you have prerequisites for the men you date…i.e., if they are willing to do what it takes to make you feel safe and comfortable to build intimacy in the first place…like you said…is he available????

    better yet if it is all spoken with no drama or crying or anger….(which for me is hard sometimes, once I’m “invested”)

  355.  #355Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I think it’s clear that he has some feelings for you already…he’s seen you a few times, don’t guys usually know early on? And he’s affectionate with you…he likes you… but he needs to be honest with you.

    You deserve ABSOLUTELY NO LESS.

  356.  #356Starla on October 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Spending some time focusing on me.:)

    For every intense bonding experience I feel with a man, I am going to take care of myself to the greatest extent possible until the next one, instead of actively seeking out another intense bonding experience with said man as a way of trying to feel taken care of.

  357.  #357Emoticon on October 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    So how abt a CD is txtin me but then he starts giving non chalant answers to the stuff I’m saying so I said that I feel like I’m just doing all the talking n I don’t like that. He responds “of course! Its always something huh?”

  358.  #358ive no idea on October 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm


    im not emerson tinque or daria but girl you sure need to ask him to take you to his house. why on earth would he not want to have you there????

  359.  #359Ella on October 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Ive no idea…

    Hmmm, I just feel so weird demanding something like that.

    I may just try expressing and then sticking to boundary, until he figures it out.

    Like ‘I feel really uncomfortable about this situation’ and then ‘I don’t want this’ and then just no thank you to all offers until something feels good.

    Just something about demanding for a specific action feels like not respecting the masculine, and trying to control.

    And I could be wrong!


  360.  #360ive no idea on October 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm


    im struggling to understand how asking if you can go to someones house is controlling. if he or anyone else you know asked to come to your house for chat/coffee or whatever would you feel defensive and like you were being controlled?

    maybe you are just trying to make excuses for his bad behaviour because you dont really want to know the answer?

    dont want to offend you by this

  361.  #361Ella on October 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    I’ve no Idea.

    Because Rori suggests that being in the feminine means NOT trying to direct the relationship.

    NOT asking the innocent question, making suggestions etc..

    Its the 4 rules which I can’t remember exactly and that’s the gist of it.

    Its in her e-book.

    I might feel a little weird if someone invited themself over to me for coffee.

    Maybe making excuses for him… and that is where the expressing and holding boundaries can come in.

    However I am not ruling out asking him.

    Just saying when I think it through in my head, asking him, it feels icky…

  362.  #362Emoticon on October 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Hey Ella…
    I personally feel like its not “respecting the mascline” to ask him to take you there. But it would feel bad to feel like ur not allowed there! I say u can just say that to him. There’s no telling if he will bring you there or not. But here comes that “no closure tool”. But like this article says if he’s not doing what u need then he’s jus not 4 u but he owes you nothing

  363.  #363Ella on October 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm


    So would you feel like I could say to him something like ‘owww, it feels bad that I am not allowed to come to your house’ and see what he says?


    Just playing this through… It would still feel like having an agenda.

    I may just stick with that I feel uncomfortable about the situation and not knowing about his home life or something…

    Thanks Emoticon.

    I am getting there with each reponse I am getting from Sirens and feeling my way through how it would feel to do or say that thing….

  364.  #364ive no idea on October 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    of course it feels icky you shouldnt even have to ask really

    you obviously need to do what feels right for you

    i think i would feel like the one being controlled by him

  365.  #365Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Ive already chipped in…but just wanted to say that I would not directly ask him to take me there…but I would express my discomfort…..that the mystery and secretiveness around it feels off…especially if he’s been to my house and I’ve never been to his. I would feel suspicious and uneasy.

    I would express that and then ask him “what do you think?” and if he says oh no problem do you want to come over? Then you have your answer.

    If he says, no, not yet, I have to get to know you better, that makes me very very wary, and I would have to choose if I want to continue.

    Again, especially if he’s been to MY house…and I”M the girl!! And he still has to SCREEN me to bring me to his?? Egads. F&$k it I’m tired just thinking about it.

  366.  #366ive no idea on October 29, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    has he ever been to your place?

    trusting someone is very hard, almost impossible i would say, its human nature

    have you been dating him for long?

  367.  #367Ella on October 29, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Ive no Idea re 364,

    No, I don’t feel controlled by him.

    That can only happen if I let it.

    I feel a little uncomfortable in some ways reading your posts…

    I don’t know… don’t want to offend you either, and your posts feel a little bit angry to me.

    I am just curious if my situation is triggering for you too?


  368.  #368Ella on October 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I’ve no idea.

    Yes he has been to mine to pick me up twice.

    I have not invited him in as yet. He did ask the other day whether I had a DVD machine so whether we might watch a film together.

    He works nearby where I live, and he lives further away.

    We’ve been dating about a month although its going very slowly and we’ve only actually seen each other 3 times. Partly due to me saying no a lot to last minute invitations…

    And we have a lot of phone and text contacted, nearly all initiated by him…


  369.  #369Ella on October 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm


    Yes I would feel icky if he was still screening me to come to his house…

    He hasn’t said that to me.

    I was thinking more that he might feel funny about it if he has some kinda agreement with his ex.

    And yes it would feel very icky for me too, and I would need to take time to consider whether I wanted to continue…

  370.  #370Emoticon on October 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Omg Ella ur CD1 is MY CD1 except mine lives with his grandparents. I have never been to his but that’s what he told me. We recently stopped talking tho because I didn’t like the vibe I was getting with him

  371.  #371ive no idea on October 29, 2011 at 3:33 pm


    yes i suppose it is

    not trusting someone sucks. its almost as bad as trusting someone and then finding out you shouldnt of

    leaning back and not asking questions sometimes smells like a load of bs. almost as bad as asking questions and being lied to

    im not offended your right lol

  372.  #372Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    369 Ella I understand…regarding the “screening”
    I think I was more projecting my own stuff here…feeling like I was being screened in the past by Recycled and it’s kind of blending into my feedback on the blog……its so triggering for me because if the trust issues that come up for me…thank you for being open to my rants and venting…I have a feeling this will resolve soon,,, for both of us.

  373.  #373Kyla on October 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Hello Sirens 🙂

    I haven’t been here for a couple months, still trying to find my feet after the big move. I’ve been here 8 weeks now and the first 2 were really crazy trying to sort out paper work and kids school and had to start my new job straight away and sign up for my evening classes but after the initial panic its been pretty ok. still staying at my parents place which i’m not enjoying at all and i can’t get a car yet because my foreign license isnt recognised here and cant get insurance until i do my driving test here so thats a major pain but aside from that the experience has been really good.

    best part? R, who when i left was planning on following in 5-6 months, is arriving on tuesday! he couldnt stay away any longer 😀 and the long distance part was not too difficult the first 2 weeks, then got really weird the next 2 weeks and i felt turned off and sad and abandoned and so i expressed that and got really busy here signing up for zumba and yoga classes, getting involved in the kids activities and hooking up with old friends and suddenly everything between me and R turned around. in about 3 or 4 days things got close again, i felt good and supported and loved and then a week later he booked his flight!

    i’m actually really glad we had these 10 weeks apart because its made me concentrate solely on me and the kids, get my priorities in order and practice being open and receptive to other men too. R has had to work really hard at keeping in contact with me (he made all the calls and all the first emails/texts each day), he’s had to book time for calls in advance because i’m so busy, he’s had to use his words to take care of me and he’s not a wordy man. he’s tried so hard and all the time he’s been happy to do it, he’s convinced me that he’s totally committed to us.

    so we’re going apartment hunting next week and hopefully we can move out of my parents place very soon because as much as i love them i need my own space!

    i hope to be around here much more and hope all you beautiful sirens are keeping well!!


  374.  #374Ella on October 29, 2011 at 3:42 pm


    Owww, what did your CD1 tell you?

    Which bit… feeling a bit lost.


  375.  #375Ella on October 29, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Emerson re 382,

    Ow I hope so, that will feel good.


  376.  #376Emoticon on October 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    “I have not invited him in as yet. He did ask the other day whether I had a DVD machine so whether we might watch a film together.

    He works nearby where I live, and he lives further away.

    We’ve been dating about a month although its going very slowly and we’ve only actually seen each other 3 times. Partly due to me saying no a lot to last minute invitations…

    And we have a lot of phone and text contacted, nearly all initiated by him…”

    I could use this entire statement to describe my CD1.
    He said he lives with his grandparents but should be moving to his own apartment come November

  377.  #377Kyla on October 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    i guess i’ve been cding in the sense of being open to man in general and its having suprising results. men who are complete strangers all want to talk to me and do things for me. my bff’s boyfriend is always asking when i’m coming over and when we go out he insists on paying for me too, a guy they are friends with who is considered ‘quiet’ has told me his whole life story, i am invited to parties and nights out by guys who have met me only once, my boss brings me out for coffee a couple times a week and has offered to pay a whole load of my expenses as business expenses, my colleagues son keeps offering to lend me his car for days at a time, my neighbour always carries my groceries when he sees me and all i do is smile and say thank you 🙂 it feels so good having men wanting to be around me and do things for me just because they like my company.

  378.  #378Ella on October 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm


    Ow, weird, maybe he is the same man!

    Blah to all these slightly shady feeling men that seem to be hanging around the Sirens at the minute.

    I feel sure it will all shift soon.

    🙂 xoxox

  379.  #379Ella on October 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    oh, I think CD1 is going to get my most hardcore version of Super Siren 🙂

    I’ve noticed often he’ll send a kinda generic text about what he is doing… could be sent to anyone, not very personal.

    And it sometimes draws me into talking about what HE is doing instead of what I am doing or feeling…


    No! No no. From now on he gets pure Girl back.

    What I am feeling, and what I am doing.

    Its about me!


  380.  #380Starla on October 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Crack Fix won’t take me to his apartment…I could insist, but i’m not going to. he says he can’t get his roommates to keep things clean (his step brother and his girlfriend) and it’s really crowded with her living there. He has his male friends over once a week for a regular get-together, but I’m a bit of a girly neat freak in his eyes so I can understand why he said he would feel embarrassed to have me over. Men always come to me and spend time on my turf, which is what I prefer, anyway.

    We’ll end up at his apartment one of these days. I don’t see any reason to push it. I don’t think he’s hiding anything at all except his unpleasant living situation from my radar, but I have the advantage of already ‘knowing’ if he has good character or not from when we were sweet on each other when I was 14.

    of course, i’m not going to go getting exclusive with a man whose home i’ve never been to. but eventually he will quit being embarrassed or will at least suck it up and bring me over, and he’ll see i’m not a snob or anything.

    I used to keep a really dirty house, but he met me about 2 or 3 weeks after i snapped out of it, haha. funny timing. i bet his house is not as bad as mine was.

  381.  #381Starla on October 29, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Er, I say met, but I mean reunited with me. Had been 12 years.

  382.  #382Ella on October 29, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    EW re 233,

    Yes, it is hard to let go of a crack man…

    I have found that too.

    And then I have, and have gone out and CD-ed… and guess what, I have met loads of men, and found a new man crack… who I have then let go of…

    And then found another one!


    And the thing is that it is getting easier each time to let go of the man crack.

    Still feels like crack addiction stylee and yet I am like ‘oh, I already dealt with this and it was fine… and who was that guy again??’

    So it kinda loses its power, and I know it isd just temporary and I will be fine. And then I seem to just get over them quicker and quicker.

    Don’t know if that helps at all?


  383.  #383Ella on October 29, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Daria re 250,

    Awww, I remember when I had the same thing with a guy and my bag a while ago…

    It feels awful!

    I hope you get it sorted!


  384.  #384Starla on October 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    LOL my own grandpa can’t spell my own name right…somehow he managed to figure out how to use facebook. That just feels sooo cute.

    I’m going to the store to buy myself a sireny winter coat and a blow dryer. Haven’t had one of those in ages but I think with the cold weather I should get one. Will report back.

  385.  #385Ella on October 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm


    If it was me I might look at why the guy who called up and asked you to go to him seemed to trigger you so much.

    Also, did you express to him authntically how you felt? Ie: in your post you seemed really annoyed and put off and yet the text you said you sent seemed all nice and said you were working…

    Would you have let him come over last mninute if yo didn’t want him to?

    Just curious about this stuff.

    Well done for standing up to him.


  386.  #386Ella on October 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Starla re 302

    Yay… well done.

    You are handling this whole thing with crack fix soooo well!

    I feel really proud of you and inspired by your example.

    You are a lovely SIREN. So his friends will be awed by you.


  387.  #387Patricia on October 29, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Hey ladies its been a while but now that Im back to dating here I am…heart pounding, a little afraid and so totally in love with myself and my feelings. Now that I have attracted about 3 or 4 guys that r possibilities 1 is climbing out of the wood work to claim me. After about 4 dates he says that he can tell relatively quickly how he feels about a woman and that I fit his values, that I’m hot and I have a beautiful heart and hes heading in the direction of marraige and he feels like I am realtionship material. That if he cant see a future with a woman pretty quickly then he usually lets them go, but he wants to be with me. That was yesterday…he txtd me today and we have been talking chating and he’s said a few things that In nervous about…I know hes testing. I also know he really likes me because hes trying really hard to get me these awsome tickets to this really expensive show and I didnt even ask..he just wants to do it..Im also feling nervous and I havent had a chance to explore these excited feelings or to express them…There are two other men I’m talking to right now but he’s my fav. I thought of all the things I would say to him and then said them back to myself. That hes adorable and amazing and that he has so much to offer…Its just a reflection of how I feel about myself. I have to remember that I hold the prize….So having this all happen in just a few dates..is fast. He’s been divorced for a really long time and I’ve been single for a really long time..its just right. So now I have to get grounded. We were just txting each other and I started feeling nervous and shakey. This is where I’m not confident, Im feeling afraid and so I came to the only place I could think..my other sirens. Im ready or this; to use the tools that so far have worked wonders…hes hooked and I havent even kissed him yet; now that its ready to move to the next level and hes the one who initiated it..Im feeling a little out of control. Im feeling a little overwhelmed, very excited and happy..I want to stay happy and excited not overwhelmed…we’re supposed to have coffee tomorrow and then decide where to go after that yes at 6..I kinda want to wait to talk to him face to face…so he can see and feel my body language..my face and so I can see his I dont want to overwhelm him too as I can imagine it was very hard for him to admitt that to me..he took a chance and surrendered something to me and now I am reacting like a scared cat…he thinks Im running errands right now…but here I am taking a deep breath..placing my hand on my stomach and embracing my feelings before I say anything. Giving myself some time to just feel. I took a shower and relaxed into my own body and let the water run over me…I am valuable and beautiful and special and he is noticing that…now what do I do with it???

  388.  #388Ella on October 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Just realised something.

    CD1 has done nothing but do things for me and offer to help me.

    And I am just getting triggered.

    Like that reaction Rori talks about to old stuff. It reminds me of situations where I have created imaginary relationships or had issues with men in the past.

    And the truth is that doesn’t matter.

    None of it does because this time I am different.

    So it doesn’t really matter what his intentions are, or whether he is being truthful.

    All I need to do is keep accepting what feels good, keep being a girl and say no to the rest.

    I do believe that CD-ing will smoke out any men who are not good for me.

    Its all practice.

    And anyway it doesn’t matter cus until a man offers me a ring we are only dating anyway.

    And so anything else is just an imaginary relationship that I make up.

    And if he owes me nothing, and isn’t asking me for anything, then there is nothing to worry about.

    Just accept what feels good and reject what doesn’t.

    Maybe practice standing up for myself, following my feelings and using some FMs too.


    Feeling a little tired now.

    Glad I stayed in at my Mum’s house by the fire to rest.

    And in a minute I am off to get into my cosy warm bed with my book.


  389.  #389Patricia on October 29, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Just got a txt from him referencing a conversation we had last night “abra cadabra”; he wants my attention… I waited a few minutes and responded with something cute…

  390.  #390Ella on October 29, 2011 at 6:05 pm


    Wow, cool.

    Yay. 🙂

  391.  #391Ella on October 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm


    Have a feeling *I* might often be the one blocking intimacy in my interactions with men.

    Cus of feeling doubtful or not expressing my authentic feelings.

  392.  #392Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    totally off the topic….any advice for what to say on an online profile intro with feeling messages? I am drawing a blank..

  393.  #393Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    391 Ella
    for me, expressing my authentic feelings takes a huge effort…I have to remind myself to do it, and practice Rori stuff just so I can get comfortable enough express what I’m REALLY feeling…it is hard.

    I strive to become more comfortable with it. You and the other sirens are helpful and inspiring. I feel sooo thankful for this blog and The Sirens!!!!

  394.  #394Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    I need some feedback/advice sirens….

    some of you may recall the CD I’ve brought up a time or two that I met online a few months back….only to find out he works at the same place as Recycled…and

    I got scared and didn’t accept a second date with him! 😯 That was kind of dumb of me, I feel that way now, but at the time it was the urgency thing that Rori talks about. I kind of panicked.

    I also didnt’ accept a second date because at the time, I was so busy with school, I was in the midst of the program I was in earning another degree…and it was really my focus. I realized this and took myself off the dating sites for a while, since I realized I could not focus on everything at once.

    I feel I was also still evolving as a siren, and I’ve learned so much since then.

    He was sweet, cute, a gentleman, smart, seemed like someone I would get along with. 🙄 basically I want a second chance!

    I may have it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I don’t have his number any longer…but I was getting myself back on a dating site I used to be on and there he is! He’s on the site! I really want to contact him, and say hi….

    I know that is leaning forward…but if he sees my profile, he may think, oh that”s the girl I took to dinner and she turned me down for a second date. She’s not interested.

    I want to explain that I was busy with school and not in the best mindset to start dating, I realized. Now I would like to get to know him, if he is open to it….not sure how to approach this…

    Of course I will say nothing of Recycled…and really I don’t care…this guy is way better quality than Recycled anyway!

  395.  #395Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    I realize that explaining is a form of control…how do I approach this?

    Tinque…Daria…Ella…sirens et al…help please

  396.  #396Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    @ Patricia…sounds like exciting stuff!
    I would probably have butterflies like crazy!
    I’m excited for you! hugs 🙂

  397.  #397Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    377 Kyla
    Aww I love hearing about the men helping out in your day to day activities/etc…that’s so cool! You are definitley putting the sireny vibe out there!! 🙂 Thank you for your inspiration… xoxo

  398.  #398Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    LOL I’m spamming here on the blog by myself…
    lol lol
    where is alias girl lol !? I need to lol some more…alias girl what are you up to??

  399.  #399Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Wow!!! I’ve learned so much here!!
    I looked at some old emails, deleting/cleaning out my email out/inboxes…and read some stuff I sent to guys I ment online over the past year or so off and on…and oh. my. gosh.
    I was sooo unsireney in my correspondence!
    *Bragging about accomplishments.
    *Entertaining talk about other men/crazy stories about meeting people online. i.e., answering the question, “how is the online dating going for you?”
    I would answer it! Not now! No way!!
    *leaning forward and coming up with date plan/ideas
    *other disasterous stuff I’m too embarrassed to tell you all 🙂

    OMG I feel so happy about this….because I’m growing and healing.

    Thank you.
    I want to heal more and more each day…
    and continue growing…

  400.  #400Patricia on October 29, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Ok Ella and anyone else…I think I may have leaned to far forward and he let me know..well kinda..in my excitement I got a little too flirty; which I have a tendancy to do and now I kinda feel ashamed and sad because I didnt mean to offend him. We are supposed to get together tomorrow..I hope this didnt hurt…God I hate stepping on my own toes….uggg! It was very playful but he didnt say he was offended but this is how it went down…
    Him “Cuz you have character, that is why I dig you..that was not important to me when I was younger (hes 38) but now its a high priority..how times change”
    Me “See there you go again making me feel all warm n fuzzy…”
    Him “Why? Because I say the right things? I just speak the truth Sista” (Hes funny)
    Me “I’m also feelin a little playful right now but I like that you dig me.”
    HIM “Playful, Im on my way!” (He wasnt and I knew he wasnt.)
    Me “That would be dannnggerrrouuss, hehe Brutha..lol Wheres my bear hug?” (He said he’s gonna give me a bear hug the next time he sees me)

    Heres the first point where I realized that I might be crossing a boundary
    Him “What happened to ur take it slow? ha…bear hug tomorrow”
    Me “I plan on it but does it mean that I cant tell you that you are a turn on?” (Appraently it does)
    HIM “Haha that is what you tell all the guys.” LOL
    Me “Nope =)”
    HIM “I have to do some fatherly duties. Buenas noches la seniorita bonita”
    Me “Do you have a question about that?”
    HIM “What?”
    Me..theres a delay..u have a good night too
    HIM Ok..even though u confused me…hahaha. Goodnight
    Me “Just sayin nooo Im not easy”
    HIM “Gotcha, like I said things like that I appreciate as I have gotten older..peace out.” (that didnt feel good)
    Now I just have to wait and see if he cancels tomorrow..he is digging me and looking to run at the same time..
    I just want to txt him and say that before the last guy I was with I was celebate for 6 years..I want to explain that I m sad that he would think I would just open up to anyone…I want to say I feel nervous and excited and just got a lil a head of myself but I dont keep men hanging around…if they arent relationship material then I tell them and I dont see them any more. I told him I had been on a lot of dates but I certainly dont sleep with them…uggg total misunderstanding..now just wait to see what he does since he’s already said “peace out”?? Can I txt him and say I’m up and feeling concerned that I crossed a boundary…but just was feeling safe to be a little flirtatious due to our previous conversation. To tell him that I felt connected to HIM and that I dont date men I dont like and keep them around or have sex with them…or do I wait until tomorrow and see if we still get together? I know it shouldnt be that important but I finally made a connection with a man that saw a value in me and I may have completely blown it out of the water…as I said Im feeling a little ashamed

  401.  #401Starla on October 29, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    400 Patricia – I don’t see any problem here. Or any crossed boundary. He will show up for your plans tomorrow. Am I missing something? I think you’re reading too far into it. Is there something you can think to do to take care of yourself right now?

  402.  #402Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Patricia, I agree with Starla…

    I feel you’re doing fine…and I read him saying “peace out” as just like slang for “talk to you later” ……

    Also, when a guy really likes you like it seems he does…they overlook what we think are mistakes and they end up remembering it as cute and sexy…we are not perfect…our imperfections make us beautiful…be gentle with you…


  403.  #403Starla on October 29, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Yeah Patricia, he said goodnight beautiful woman to you in spanish before the confusion and just said it again.

    Smile, he likes you:)

  404.  #404Patricia on October 29, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    Thanks Sirens…I will forgive my little blurb and move on…I need sleep to take care of myself and maybe some chocolate..not in that order..lol Ill take it easy on both of us…I know he’s nervous too; hes having eelings rather wuickly for a woman he only knows a little and he must feel kinda nervous as well…I know I am…hes precious though and so am I =)

  405.  #405Starla on October 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    GAHHH I tried to order sushi from a restaurant that sent me their delivery menu in the mail, but they said they wouldn’t deliver to my house.:(


  406.  #406Starla on October 29, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Called an even better place and they said they’ll deliver to me:) nom nom, sushi is on the way!

    So I went shopping in search of a coat and other fun things. I bought a few shirts with a gift card someone recently gave me. I haven’t been taking the best care of myself, it seems, as I haven’t eaten since 9:30 this morning and it’s about 10:30, but sushi is on its way.

  407.  #407LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Sorry I’m not inspired to give advice or thoughts tonight. I’m too wrapped up in my own stuff.

    After I blew up at D after he announced he was going down south to spend a week at the beach w the buddies, just as he was back from a motorcycle trip w the buddies…I had told him how I felt unimportant, like all I was good for was to be his c*ll girl when he had nothing else to do.
    Told him I felt awful to be unworthy of more than a couple of hours here and there.

    He responded by saying “I can do better”.

    The following weekend, he had to stop to his sister’s after work on Saturday night bc his parents were there. They don’t live close by so he doesn’t get to see them that often, so of course he had to go spend his Saturday evening w them. I wasn’t invited bc it’s accross the bridge where the traffic was horrendous at that time… All understandable.

    He came to see me twice this week. Both times no s*x. The 2nd time was last night, when he told me his friend coworker was trying to get NHL hockey tickets for a private box from his wife’s employer.
    I didn’t react, 1st thought was how cool, of course he should go… All understandable.
    I had an exhausting workweek, had 2 glasses of wine and passed out snuggled to D on the sofa. He left to go to sleep home bc he had to wake up at 4am to go to work.

    But this morning when I woke up and started thinking about it…I felt sad and unworthy of his time again.

    I did my laundry, took my shower, fixed my hair, creamed myself up…all soft and pretty and no one to cuddle.

    I cried the whole time I was folding and putting away my laundry.

    He was feeling ovewhelmed at the end of the summer so he needed time by himself to release the tension and get resourced…all understandable.

    He got the opportunity to go on a long motorcycle trip that he’s been wanting to do for years, and I can’t do the long trips w him on the motorcycle for more than 1 day. His seat is too hard and he doesn’t have a wind guard…all understandable.

    He gets an invitation to go to a pro football game w free ticket to a private box. He never got the opportunity to go to a football game before…all understandable.

    He has 1 whole week of vacation left that he has to take before the end of the year or lose it. I can only get 3 days straight until Xmas, that is stretch my weekend w 1 day off is the best I can get. So he books a trip to the sunny beach for that whole week…he needs to get away bc he can’t rest at home, but resting 3 days at an inn where we once had a great time together is not resting enough…all understandable.

    Well that announcement about the last trip…I did not find understandable actually. I blew up at him and said I did not want to see him again. I said over and over how I feel ready for a real relationship and that I need to let him free bc he is not there w me. I said over and over that I don’t feel important, that I feel…you all know the story.

    So, tonight he calls me after work to tell me that his coworker couldn’t get the tickets. He asked me what I felt like doing.
    All I could say is (I know, FMs out the window): Oh so here I am again when nothing better came up. When you said you could do better, did I misunderstand? You really meant you could do better to show me how UNimportant I am? I thought you meant you could do better by reserving time for me and making me more important, sorry my misunderstanding.
    He asked when I would be ready, I said in half an hour. He picked me up on time and we went to a restaurant for dinner. I know I should not have accepted, but I did.
    He wanted me to sit next to him at the table instead of accross from him so we could be closer and more cozy. We had a good time, the vibe felt good between us, until we got back home.
    I offered him wine which he gulped down in no time. I sat far, picked up my laptop and checked the winning numbers w my lottery ticket and showed him a preview of a movie I want to go see.

    He was supposed to leave at 9 to pick up his son. He got in his car and called his son to tell him he was on his way to pick him up now and to get ready. His son cancels on him on the spot.

    So he came back up. He said I didn’t look very enthousiastic about having him come back. I said well I’m confused, a small part of me wants to, but a big part doesn’t. I repeated that I already said how I felt bad about being unimportant and getting only crumbs, a couple of hours here and there. Now you had a Saturday evening and reserved it for your friend who had hockey tickets. I am very understanding about coming after your son, but not about coming in last during all your free time (the hockey game even came 1st before his son).

    He said OK then, I can see I’m not wanted. No, I do want you, but in a real relationship, and not if I am going to be a crumbtaker.

    He got home 10 minutes later and called me. He asked me if I was chatting on the internet. He suspects that I am losing interest in him and chatting up on POF or something. I said no I’m not.
    Then he said “Well I just had the feeling you wanted to be alone, and we haven’t had s*x in a long time. So I can tell you’re not interested.”
    I replied “It’s been really hard on my ego to be so into someone, and throwing myself at, that does not want to invest himself in a comitted relationship w me. There’s always something more interesting to do than to be w me. We’ve talked about all this and nothing has changed, you still do what you do and I still feel how I feel.”

    He said “I’ll thing about it”. I said “you’ve been thinking about it since last spring. Any more thinking and your mind will go numb. Try feeling instead of thinking. I don’t want to keep standing here telling you what to do, it doesn’t feel good at all.”

    This man will come after me like crazy, but treat me like that as soon as he gets a foot in the door.

    I feel that he does love me, but is looking for all the excuses in the world to not let me close to him.




    Can you tell I’m yelling loud enough to convince myself?

  408.  #408LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    I feel so manipulated…Feels icky like he’s trying to manipulate me into doing the kind of relationship HE wants. Feels yuck! Turned off!

    I need to get a life!

  409.  #409LILI 41 on October 29, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I may not have talked entirely in FMs, but I did say some good authentic ones that felt good to me, like “Free hockey tickets and free football tickets, motorcycles are all precious things to even me…but I am also precious and I want to feel chosen sometimes. Now I feel like choosing ME. So at the end of this evening, it feels good to choose to spend the night alone w ME.”

  410.  #410Starla on October 29, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    The blog feels somewhat quieter than usual…i hope this means the sirens are all out or at peace at home.

  411.  #411Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    LILI41 ((HUGS)) to you…
    I can ‘hear’ your frustration, it’s understandable….
    and it takes a lot of courage to tell him what you did…I hope he steps up…but if he does not step up…it’s his loss, big time.

    Gawsh I also know how hard it is to say no to s*x sometimes….you are very strong.

    Aww LILI I felt so sad reading about you crying while folding your laundry… LILI big hugs to you….
    You DO deserve more than accepting what you feel are crumbs.

  412.  #412Emerson on October 29, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Starla yes it’s very quiet….

  413.  #413Butterfly Wings on October 30, 2011 at 12:13 am

    Hi everyone. The soap opera roller coaster that is my life, is currently on the up and if I wasn’t feeling comfortable about receiving before, I most certainly am today! OMG!

    TH is STILL here and has been since Thursday, and apart from him acting a little strangely part way through last night (I went downstairs for something and when I came back he was really quiet and distant), things have actually been quite good.

    I’ve been making plans with friends and family with little or no thought to what TH might be doing, and I cannot tell you how great it feels! I feel kind of free!

    Also, a couple of times he’s mentioned he’s going home and when I’d normally feel disappointed, I’m really not feeling ANYTHING! It’s so weird! It’s like I don’t care if he stays or goes, because it’s good either way! 🙂

    In response to my new way of thinking, TH seems to have changed a little.

    Today I was supposed to go to an event but my gf cancelled, so I decided to go shopping for a bday present for my daughter instead.

    TH said he’d come along, and before the day was out, he’d bought me a beautiful (and very expensive) bracelet, two pairs of designer shoes (!) and a new dress for my birthday! I feel sooooo SPECIAL!!!! And I told him so just a few minutes ago. Wow….

    And here I was, thinking my 40th would go by with zero gifts received, and now I feel so spoiled! I love it!!

    I can’t stop looking at this bracelet… I LURVE IT!!!!!!!! 😀

  414.  #414Butterfly Wings on October 30, 2011 at 12:15 am

    Oh, and when he was acting all distant, I didn’t say anything, and I really wasn’t upset about it. Just a little bit confused about what may have happened.

    I know it was nothing to do with me and figured he must have received a text or email that contained a message he didn’t want to read… not sure. But it doesn’t matter cos right now it’s all about ME! 🙂

  415.  #415English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 1:08 am

    #327 SLV

    Yes I like the dance idea better too. 🙂

    If ANYBODY I knew had had surgery (man, woman, child, family, friend) I would most likely get them a card and/or something small……..so why wouldn’t a CD be the same?

    I don’t get it that this would somehow emasculate him???

  416.  #416English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 1:34 am

    #382 Ella

    Yes that’s good thank you, kinda like moving from one kind of addiction to the next lol!! 😉

    Re your CD, I am curious as to whether you have met of a weekend as I know you said you are feeling wary about just meeting for daytime dates?

    I am now getting wary of him and I don’t even know him lol!! And the wedding ring thing doesn’t matter, lots of men don’t wear them anyway so that is no indicator if a man is married.

    Maybe you could be too “busy” with work to see him for day time coffee meets for the next few weeks and see if he comes up with alternate arrangements? Then if there are no suggestions of evening or weekend meetings, you can put him on the back of your horse and ride on lovely Siren. 🙂

  417.  #417English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 1:55 am

    #377 Kyla

    Lovely post and I am sooo happy things are working out well for you, where did you move from and to? Just curious……

  418.  #418English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 1:59 am

    #387 Patricia

    Wow that is sooo cool and sooo excitingly scary lol!!! 😀

  419.  #419English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 2:13 am

    #399 Emerson

    YAY for you, and that is a HUGE step you have made in noticing how you used to answer and know you will never do that again. Well done Siren. 🙂

    Well I have joined this dating site called Smooch, it’s a little different and I am still investigating but what do you do when men send you virtual “roses” but no message? Ignore them as not of any real interest or is this a man reaching out who has maybe written to hundreds with no answers?

    This site has quick flirts too and I have a few of them to deal with, but they seemingly are not the man’s own words, just something computer generated.

    Any ideas Sirens? Like Emerson my style of replying is a lot different these days (thank the Lord!!) but sometimes I get stuck……

  420.  #420Butterfly Wings on October 30, 2011 at 2:34 am

    ROFL. Just took the dog for a walk with TH and ran into his sister who ended up inviting me to have a BBQ at their house on Christmas day!!!

    Not sure what TH thinks of that but the seed is sown…. I shall keep quiet now and see if he steps up and confirms with me when the time comes….! 😉

  421.  #421English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 2:51 am

    #400 Patricia

    Say nothing more and remember you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. 🙂

  422.  #422Daria on October 30, 2011 at 3:31 am

    i canceled, just an hour before we were to meet, with CD about tonite.

    yeah! i felt so exhilarated and relieved after.

    it felt too dramafilled with him

    woo hoo

    also, i sang all day with my girl. i was told i can sing. and dance.

    and rap.


    my girl can too

    it felt so fun

    and guys we met really liked me

    open pelvis


  423.  #423Daria on October 30, 2011 at 3:33 am

    i asked for a ride from a CD. i feel so empowered on asking for help from CD’s!

    and i feel like everyman likes and respects me

    they all say im so ‘calm’ ‘smooth’ etc

    this guy called me ‘cool breeze’ cuz im so cool

    im So cool

    they actually Wanted to give me a ride back

    and i just relax

    through it all


    feelin good

  424.  #424Daria on October 30, 2011 at 4:05 am

    ohhh i just realized… Hawkman reminds me of Indiana

    who was my lover a few years ago and it felt good and i felt good about myself around him and yet did not get attached



  425.  #425Femininewoman on October 30, 2011 at 4:29 am

    BW sounds like you are doing well but I am wondering if you were doing any of the tools while in his presence.

  426.  #426English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 4:32 am

    #419 Me 🙂

    I just found a great answer from Rori on the old threads, what to say when a man asks on a dating site “How Are You?” Which can feel pretty uninspiring……

    Here’s what Rori says:

    Siren (name deleted) – the simple question “How are you?” is a magnificent request for you to open up to him. You say “I feel ……(hot, sticky, nervous, irritated, angry, overwhelmed, tired, excited by work, thrilled by the warm weather, afraid of the holidays…..) – what you can say here is as infinite as your feelings. What’s happening to you is you’re instantly judging the person asking…when all you need to do is take it as an invitation.

    So what if it’s uncreative? Perhaps he’ll turn out to be a man who’d like to hear how you feel about life…without judgment.

    Love, Rori”

  427.  #427Femininewoman on October 30, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Lili 41 It seems to me that some of what you are saying about him is just him being a guy and that you are making him wrong for being a guy. I have also read in Carol Allen’s writing that some guys need more space than others and when you give them the space they need and not complain it helps them to reduce the space they need and come closer to you.

    I heard Rori in one of her Interviews talk about a book called “Intimacy” by Shirley Gehrke Luthman that I am currently reading. I believe it would help you. I got it from the Library. “The male connects primarily for direct nurturing in the form of giving and receiving. A man wants a woman who will give to him without strings”. “Real connections are possible only if each person is aware of himself as a whole, autonomous individual who is dependent on himself for emotional survival. Such a person takes full responsibility in a relationship for whether or not he is satisfied, happy, unhappy pleased, or desirous of change. He does not make the other person responsible for his life or his well being. He may not want to be alone, and he may be very unhappy in that state but he knows deep inside himself that we will not fall apart if he is alone. If he does not have that knowledge and instead feels that without his partner he cannot function, then he will not be totally himself inthat relationship. He will change his behavior to please the other, give what he does not really want to give and repress his feelings he thinks will be unacceptable to his partner. With such masking and witholding of feelings it is impossible to tell who he really is. In nthis kind of relationship where both partners are dependent on each other in this way, they build up a whole set of external rules for behavior which keeps everything nice and doesn’t rock the boat. They build a cosy structure which may work for a while as long as neither of them has to opay too high a price to maintain it. However, they lose the possibility of ever knowing about each other and themselves and of growing with each other. “He will move deeply into the relationship,, then move away from it and repeat this over and over. The relationship is like an elastic band to him and some men will stretch it very far. Therefore he needs space in the relationship, at least in the sense that the female does not judge him to be bad, wrong or uncaring because his manner of connecting is somewhat differnt than hers. If both partners understand each other’s needs in this respect as basic to who they are as male and female and not some unreasonable demand on the part of each they maybe able to accommodate each other without a significant loss to either individually. She maybe able to allow him more room if she knows he needs it for his own growth and self-satisfaction-the better he feels about himself the more she will get from him. He may be able to shorten his stretch somewhat without any real loss to his growth process if he knows that his contribution to her balance will mean better nurturing from her to him”.

  428.  #428Femininewoman on October 30, 2011 at 5:06 am

    “Another very subtle difference between males and females occurs as a result of ther being very close and giving with each other. When the male experiences a sense of fulfilment and joy, he wants to expand. He loves the whole world and eveyone in it, is apt to express his joys in ways that go outside the relationship-kidding with waitresses, dancing with chorus girls, inviting friends over, hangin a dring with the boys, making big plans for his work. He isnot really avoiding or depreciatinig the relatinship. He is figuratively beating his chest. I believe that this is a quality in males frequentlyt misunderstood and unappreciated by females. It comes out in very differnt ways according to the particular male personality, but there is a quality of “look at me”. in the behavior. Females often feel embarassed or threatened by this aspect of the male personality because they don’t experience it themselves; therefore they feel left out and alone when the male is expressing this part of himself”.

  429.  #429Femininewoman on October 30, 2011 at 5:09 am

    I found this shocking and remembered Lucy’s connundrum

    “Basically, the male-female connection works best when the male takes the lead in saying what he feels, what he thinks, and what he wants and doesn’t want. It isn’t a matter of making decsions for the female, being the boss, or taking over for her in any way; it has to do with freely declairing where he is inside of himself”.

  430.  #430Butterfly Wings on October 30, 2011 at 5:11 am

    425: Femininewoman says:

    BW sounds like you are doing well but I am wondering if you were doing any of the tools while in his presence.

    FW, I’ve been leaning RIGHT back the last few days, and I’ve also taken most of my focus off him. I’ve also stopped having expectations, which has been a HUGE help (and my biggest problem with him). I suppose if I expect nothing, I’m constantly surprised and not disappointed! I love it!

    Oh and I’ve been very girly today too and I feel like a child at christmas, so excited about the gifts he bought me!

    He asked me to model my new shoes and dress and he told me I looked “hot”. It felt good to hear him say that… 😉

    Oh and I’m still not considering him when I make plans. If he asks first then fine. Otherwise I consider myself free and I’ll accept offers from other friends, whether I think he’ll want to see me or not.

    I was planning on taking my two girls out for dinner on my birthday (it’s my eldest’s birthday too), and a girlfriend and I were talking yesterday and we arranged for her to come along with her children too. I didn’t even think to ask TH! lol

    Oh and I mentioned something today about my birthday drinks this coming Friday and he offered to let me stay at his house because it’s a lot closer to the city than my house. Until he offered, I was happy to just catch the train home that night, but he’s stepped up and offered me a better option, so that felt nice too.

    I remember reading one of Rori’s emails where she talks about being with a man who has feelings for someone else, and I remember her saying to take your focus right off him and the other woman and just focus on yourself. It’s been hard, but I think I may be getting there.

    The last few days I’ve felt really happy and content, although I’ve not really cared if he stayed or left – either way I would be ok because there are benefits of each. I’m feeling good that he’s wanted to stay, although I know I would have been fine if he went home too.

    Funny how a huge change in focus can totally change your perspective on life….

  431.  #431Femininewoman on October 30, 2011 at 5:34 am

    Congrats BW and happy birthday.

  432.  #432English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 5:42 am

    Alisa Girl

    Where are you? I just got a HHG on the dating site and thought of you. 😉

  433.  #433English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 5:44 am

    ooops that’s supposed to say Alias Girl 😀

    Not too many HHG’s over here, that’s why I thought of you. 🙂

  434.  #434stargirl on October 30, 2011 at 5:51 am

    I was feeling down, but after reading over everything here I feel soft and happy. I am ready to lean back and stop expecting anything- true it is better to be surprised. I am not taking crumbs. Now I feel better loving myself, which works well sitting at a picnic table outside while lots of men walk past and I am happy doing my own thing.

  435.  #435Ella on October 30, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Hey EW,

    No there have not been any weekend dates either.

    Well I am seeing him tomorrow for him to fix my computer and that will be during the day on a week day.

    I don’t want to play games pretending to be busy, however it is quite easy for me to actually be too busy.

    And if I also express how I am feeling about stuff. And say ‘actually I do really want to see you and I feel weird and uncomfortable’.

    If he asks why ‘I feel weird that I never see you at evenings and weekends, and I know nothing about your home life, except that you live with a woman. It fees very uncomfortable and icky to me.’

    And then don’t accept anymore daytime coffees?

    Sirens, what do you think?

  436.  #436Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:17 am

    435 Yes Ella I think that sounds authentic…

  437.  #437Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:19 am

    I just realized I said I think instead of I feel… 🙂

  438.  #438Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:22 am

    I honestly feel sad and anxiety every morning when I wake up, and my NVs wake me up with a list of all the things I don’t have….a relationship, children, a home of my own…. 🙁

    I don’t know how to change it.

    I usually go to bed at night feeling ok but a lil lonely and sometimes sad…but it’s the mornings that are the worst.

    I feel desperate and terrified thinking about the holidays. I have to travel to see my family and I’m so short on money these days…

  439.  #439Ella on October 30, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Emerson re 394

    I don’t think you should explain at all.

    I do think you can contact him in this scenario if you want to. Or you could not contact him and he may or may not come to you…

    If you do want to contact him, and it sounds like you do, you could send him a message…

    I would NOT explain why you did not accept a second date. That is your right as a woman and none of his business, plus is trying to control.

    However if you send something flirty he will get the idea that the invitation is open for him to start the chase again…

    YOu culd say somthing like ‘Hey, saw your profile and I’m sitting here feeling disappointed that we never got to have that dinner together.’

    Or some other flirty thing about his profile.

    Then lean back again and see what happens.

    You will have to make sure that the switch back to him pursuing happens pretty fsat so after initial contact you may need to then lean back and outgirl him.

    And the most important, remember you are just experimenting. The outcome is not important. So you can pay attention to how you feel whilst doing all this.

    Oww, you could even express that like ‘I feel a little shy messaging you and ….”

    What do you think Emerson?


  440.  #440English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 6:27 am

    Ella sorry I didn’t mean it to sound like playing games as in your being too busy, but really being too busy because of work, etc., how would he be able to see you if you worked 9-5 in a job in the city and had to commute everyday?

    You see what I am saying?

  441.  #441Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:29 am

    439 Ella that is very helpful…I like your suggestions

  442.  #442Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:32 am

    I mostly have a hard time on dating sites….I have difficulty looking at the pictures and generating any real interest in meeting these guys. I feel flat and blah…judging these guys by my past experiences of online dating….where guys turned out to be dull or having to outgirl them so much. Ugh.

  443.  #443Ella on October 30, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Ow Emerson, Re 438,

    I can help with this!! 🙂

    I managed to change this for myself… I always used to wake up feeling that icky kinda feeling, almost a feeling of loss, like you know the feeling you wake up with right after you have broken up with someone.

    Well, every morning when I would wake up I will consciously ‘catch’ myself, and then I will tell myself I am wonderful. Instead of getting stright up or thinking about all the stuff I have to do that day or all the stuff I am lacking, I will give myself a cuddle, right there in bed, snuggle down and then I actually start thinking about all the things I do have.

    So I start by kinda mentally telling me that I love myself. And I will say ‘come on beautiful Siren, you are lovely’.

    Then I will go through all the things in my head I feel grateful and happy about, starting with my comfy, warm bed and then my job… nice room, clothes, friends, family close by, my figure… and whatever else I can think of.

    Any men in my life etc, etc…

    I speak very gently to myself in the mornings and then I tell myself ‘come on beautiful, lets get up and make a nice cup of tea’.

    And I do and I feel good and loved…

    I wrote about this in one of my articles on the blog of my website…

    I hope maybe that might help you too?


  444.  #444Emerson on October 30, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Thanks Ella I will try it…

  445.  #445Ella on October 30, 2011 at 6:39 am

    EW re 440

    Yes, I see. And it sounds good. I will simply have to be busy during the day… and there is plenty for me to do.

    It will be quite easy with pub job starting and all the new stuff happening.

    So I do believe this can work out.

    Just got to be strong. It can feel so tempting sometimes when he is constantly offering me nice things to come and do with him.

    And I am busy during the day.

    Plus still express my discomfort stuff if it comes up and feels right…

    On Monday I will just be there to get my computer sorted briefly, and then leave quickly…


  446.  #446Ella on October 30, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Patricia re 400

    No please don’t text him anything else.

    Just leave it – honestly it is fine! You didn’t say anything wrong.

    You were flirting, and that is sexy. He was playing along and flirting right back, and said, playfully ‘I bet you say that to all the guys’, it was said playfully and even if you do say that to all they guys it doesn’t matter one bit.

    There is no shame in being a desirable, flirty woman.

    However if you now start leaning forward with amxious feelings, trying to ‘explain’ to relieve those feelings, you will come across as anxious and drama.

    It might feel better to just sit with those feelings and feel them. And wait and see what happens with the date.

    I bet it will go ahead as planned.

    You are doing fine and you did NOTHING wrong.

    See if you can soothe your anxious feelings.


  447.  #447Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Lilli 41 re 407


    I honestly believe CD-ing will solve this.

    The other thing that popped up for me reading your post is that you say many, many times that he is doing this and that… and it is understandable.

    I say never mind if it is understandable, or reasonable, all the matters is how you feel… And it seems like you have lots of deep, pent up feelings??

    And it also seems like a lot of your focus is laser beamed on him…

    Its like Rori says, its not something ‘he’ is doing to us, he is just the trigger. These are your feelings, this is your stuff.

    You can say no at any time.

    You can say how you feel with no explanation at any time.

    ‘I feel so angry’ ‘No I do not want to meet tonight, I have plans’ to last minute invitations.

    Maybe if he is toxic for you you will have to repeat this sequence a few times before he gets it, or he many never get it.

    Same with my CD1.

    And meantime I would say to you please CD, if you are not already.

    It will change your vibe and take the laser focus off him. It will make your interactions with him less important. And will help soothe your intense feelings…

    What do you think?


  448.  #448English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Oh and I made myself 5 years younger :$ on Smooch……but you CAN change that anytime unlike POF so maybe I will play with my age like a piano keyboard up and down the scales/year. 🙂

  449.  #449English Woman on October 30, 2011 at 7:09 am

    :$ was supposed to be red faced……….where’s SLV to help out with these face things?

  450.  #450Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Lili 41 re 408,

    I am not sure that manipulated is a feeling so much as an action… and just that if you used it as part of a FM it could be taken as blamy, because it sounds like something a man can ‘do’ to you.

    Where as I feel ‘lonely, angry, upset, off balance’ etc etc are your feelings and totally about you.


  451.  #451Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:12 am

    EW yay to being 5 years younger 🙂

  452.  #452Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Lili 41 re 409

    Sounds good 🙂


  453.  #453Kyla on October 30, 2011 at 7:17 am


    Aww thanks Emerson


  454.  #454Kyla on October 30, 2011 at 7:19 am


    Thanks English Woman!
    I moved from Ireland back to Canada after 16 years abroad.

  455.  #455Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:20 am

    BW re 413

    Owww, how exciting!

    Wow, you have such a Siren vibe going on right now. I feel awed.


    And what great birthday treats!

    Love it and so pleased you are feeling good and strong no matter if he stays or goes…


  456.  #456Kyla on October 30, 2011 at 7:21 am


    Femininewoman that book sounds fascinating!

  457.  #457Patricia on October 30, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Ok..sooo I have said nothing about last night and the comments. Im still feeling a little insecure.He txt me this morning to see if meeting a half hour later would be ok?I told him it would be fine and would give me a little extra time to get a few more things done for the kids…Im going to church this morning and then for my normal 7mile run cleaning the house n then it will b time to go. Without dismissing this feeling or making him responsible for it…how do I address it? Without reacting to it…right now Im kinda reacting to it? I dont want to do that tonight…guess Im feeling a little awkward, unsure and apprehensive..I want to do the guy thing and bail. I know he’s probably feeling the same way but doesnt know how to address it himself…he gave something to me..I became vulnerable and let my guard down..and now I feel judged. I would love to tell him that I feel a bit overwhelmed and excited and carried away all at the same time…I want to address it..how do I do this. Its not so much that Im worried about him walking away but that I dont know what to do with how Im feeling right now..I want to just have fun…however with his dislosure about his feeling Im special I know I responded a bit calously and then last nights little flub. Im worried about how hes feeling….I know…go back inside myself and search my feelings…then what do I do with them? I want him to know it made me feel beautifl and its an awesome gesture and to reassure him…but it may wierd him out..Well Im gonna go get ready for church…

  458.  #458Patricia on October 30, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Ok..sooo I have said nothing about last night and the comments. Im still feeling a little insecure.He txt me this morning to see if meeting a half hour later would be ok?I told him it would be fine and would give me a little extra time to get a few more things done for the kids…Im going to church this morning and then for my normal 7mile run cleaning the house n then it will b time to go. Without dismissing this feeling or making him responsible for it…how do I address it? Without reacting to it…right now Im kinda reacting to it? I dont want to do that tonight…guess Im feeling a little awkward, unsure and apprehensive..I want to do the guy thing and bail. I know he’s probably feeling the same way but doesnt know how to address it himself…he gave something to me..I became vulnerable and let my guard down..and now I feel judged. I would love to tell him that I feel a bit overwhelmed and excited and carried away all at the same time…I want to address it..how do I do this. Its not so much that Im worried about him walking away but that I dont know what to do with how Im feeling right now..I want to just have fun…however with his dislosure about his feeling Im special I know I responded a bit calously and then last nights little flub. Im worried about how hes feeling….I know…go back inside myself and search my feelings…then what do I do with them? I want him to know it made me feel beautifl and its an awesome gesture and to reassure him…but it may wierd him out..Well Im gonna go get ready for church..

  459.  #459tinque on October 30, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Emerson – You really have nothing to lose here. You can wink at him or whatever innocuous contact is allowed on that site to let him know you see him and are maybe interested. As long as you don’t have anything invested in the outcome, you’re okay.

    If he does bite, don’t explain unless he asks; it’s unnecessary.


  460.  #460Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Do you know what I am realising… this is a chance to do things differently.

    Like when I was with Barman and he was into drugs and I got all freaked out and wanted him to stop and I decided to have a talk with him and ‘tell’ him what I ‘thought’ and believed about it…

    And I didn’t care if it was masculineor not.

    It was ok… it closed down the relationship.

    I don’t think it actually helped him heal at all though, and it definitely did nothing for the dynamic/relationship between us.

    What I thought to myself since then is that I could have simply said ‘I feel really afraid’ about his drug use, and leave it at that. And then just keep saying no and walking away when it felt uncomfortable…

    He would have either faded away, and as I was CD-ing this would not matter, or he would make some changes around me…

    But, the bond would have remained. The relationship dynamic would have been better.

    Its the no closure thing.

    And it may even have been more likely to heal the situation. I mean how much more powerful to hear that someone feels afraid about what you are doing than a load of statistics and judgements!

    So, my long ramble is leading here…

    With CD1, all I need to do is express how I FEEL about the situation.

    Not superficial feelings, the deep ones underneath.

    I feel AFRAID of falling for you if you are not free…

    I feel wary that I don’t have the whole picture.

    this kind of thing…

  461.  #461Patricia on October 30, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Thank u Ella…n yes I am sitting with my feelings right now…there r sooo many of them n yes all i can hear r my NVs…I am beautiful and special and one of my other CDs is calling me later and I have another date on TuesdayI like him too..

  462.  #462tinque on October 30, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Emerson – “Yes Ella I think that sounds authentic…” Yes because this IS a thought, not a feeling, so you said it just right.


  463.  #463Ella on October 30, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Patricia re 458,

    What is there to address, that is the point from my perspective.

    I mean nothing really happened…

    However expressing your feelings is great.

    So if you feel anxious, apprehensive, whatever, express that.

    No need to get into your head about why… Personally I don’t beleive there was any issue with the texting or judging happening or anything else.

    I guess you could say ‘ow I felt a little uncomfortable when we were communicating by text last night… I got triggered by the comment …. ‘
    as long as you know that it is your trigger… about you, and not nexessarily at all what he was thinking.

    Personally I just wouldn’t bring it up at all.

    I would stay with my feelings in the present, ie: how you feel about the date, where he’s taking you etc ect…


  464.  #464Kyla on October 30, 2011 at 7:52 am


    I can understand how wary you feel about CD1’s living arrangement and how you feel is so important.

    I’ve been in that situation a few times on both sides. I met ExH while he was still living with his ex-gf, it took them 6 months to finalise her taking over the mortgage and buying him out of the house and i was dating him for the last 2 months of that. i was not comfortable with this and yet i ignored my feelings and kept dating him because it was ‘understandable’ 🙁

    then i was in that position too, with the recession and negative equity in our