What Happens When No Sex Leads To No Love – And How It Works In Reverse

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Here’s a letter from Jill about intimacy:

“Hi, Rori

My name is Jill, and a friend recommended writing you with my very sensitive problem. She’s told me of you books and seminars on relationships, and how to fix them.

My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. A few weeks ago, I was trying to be intimate, and he refused. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was incredibly resentful of me and the children, and didn’t know if he loved me anymore. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt. I knew he preferred more “bedroom time” then he was getting, but after a good talk we had back in March, I believed we were getting better. Hence the shock of hearing him considering leaving.

He said he has resentment toward me for not giving him what he needs in the bedroom unless we were trying to get pregnant. I apologized, and promised to do better, but he hasn’t allowed any intimacy for a month. I miss him, and don’t know what to try.

He also told me just last Friday that it’s hard to be with me sometimes. That he’s so resentful towards me that it hurts for him to be around me, emotionally and physically. I was crushed, so Saturday and Sunday I went down to my parents’ with the kids to just decompress. He called me a total of 8 times in those two days. I never called him. Could that mean he missed me? I feel so confused with his differing actions and words, but helpless at the same time, knowing I’ve done everything I can to right the situation, and I’m waiting on him to decide if he can forgive me and let go of the resentment.

I’m working on being happy myself, hoping he’ll want to stay with me. But I can’t help wondering what else I can go–I figure if I’ve caused all the resentment, I can do something to fix it.

I appreciate any advice you can give me. My friend speaks highly of you, and I’m at a loss of the next step. Thank you, Jill”

My Answer:

Jill, Here are some thought I have around this:

He’s angry. Just as he said.  And it’s built up so much he can no longer feel anything else when he sees you.

You’re willingness now to work on the problem is actually making him MORE angry – before, he was focused on trying to GET sex and fix the problem – now that you’ve warmed up (I’m not sure how “better” was looking for you…), he’s experiencing the deeper reasons for the lack of intimacy in the first place.

Basically – you need to allow his anger to surface and let him scream at you and see exactly WHAT he’s mad at.

Likely, he’s mad at himself for letting his own needs go by the wayside.

And he’s mad at you for EVERYTHING else, and for being the only one he can blame for it all.

Also – There may be another woman. Perhaps not an actual affair – but a woman he likes somewhere.

For you, talk to Dominique – http://www.sexandheart.com –  she’ll help you loosen yourself up and find out why you’ve been so closed down (if that’s true) around sex all these years…it can’t be good for you, either.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Top of the world!

  2.  #2Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Heheheee! I did it again!

    I got an edge on the California girls, cuz it’s later here on the East Coast.

    Good morning, all!

  3.  #3Femininewoman on March 29, 2012 at 6:59 am

    “Likely, he’s mad at himself for letting his own needs go by the wayside”

    I wonder if something like this is happening to CF?

  4.  #4Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 7:00 am


    That’s an especially sad story. It feels hopeless. I can’t imagine turning down sex if I were married. I would EXPECT my man to stray and not want to be with me if I did.

  5.  #5Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Speaking of sex, Kenny just sent me the funniest, cutest, handmade card ever. On the front is a colorful, comical drawing of a devil-bear (you know how I like bears! It has become quite a joke between Kenny and me, and I call him my bear).

    The bear is blood red, with a white, plump tummy and white around the mouth. The bear has little horns, red, devil-like wings, and a red devil tail. He is wearing nothing but a light blue T-shirt, which says, “I’m Sorry”. Behind him, the bear is surrounded with bright yellow and orange flames.

    Inside the card, it reads, “(I’m sorry) that the bear has a dick! He likes being in your __________! You do know where! Bear can’t help it that he has a dick! SORRY!

    Forever Love, Kenny

    It is one of the cutest things I ever saw, and especially so because of the history behind the card. He bugs me for sexual play long distance a lot, and I say no cuz we are platonic friends. LOL, he sure knows how to get into my heart!

  6.  #6Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 7:11 am


    RE: #869 from the last thread – That is awesome about 7 dresses! How amazing!

    Yet…I can’t help but wonder if he did that to butter you up so you wouldn’t mind as much about him traveling without you. I thot he was helping you with your finances so you could afford to go WITH him. I wonder what happened to that?

  7.  #7Lizka on March 29, 2012 at 7:16 am

    I just had a discussion with a co worker that I trust. I already new about my situation and my interview. I told him about my hesitation an he helped me to see more clear… I feel a little better and thought of some solutions…

  8.  #8Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 7:27 am

    A video on orgasm during childbirth:


  9.  #9Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 7:30 am

    “I would EXPECT my man to stray and not want to be with me if I did.”

    No. I would expect nothing, but I would want and would hope that my man talks to me, takes action to solve the problem whatever it may be. Finish old business before starting new if this is where it all leads.

  10.  #10Starla on March 29, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Update from last night’s situation…thank you ladies sooo much for your support…it felt so wise and reasonable and i really appreciate that influence in my life<3:

    he emailed me this morning saying he was really sorry and that i deserve better than being hung up on and not knowing if i'll hear back from him ever again.

    anyway, it was just some dumb fight. really. it all started when he emailed me, saying he was definitely willing to compromise but also that he wanted to be understood that his financial goals and happiness are important to him, and i just interpreted that as me being second class, and i kinda freaked out aggressively. i definitely overreacted and then so did he.

    and it would feel really good to know we can fight and all is still "okay" and i have a feeling we will get there.

  11.  #11lk on March 29, 2012 at 9:03 am

    i told him that i hadn’t cxme yet… & i felt weird but he was excited &… then i was thinking today, well, that’s amazing actually. now he knows that every single time i want to, i do. & that’s why saying something is magical. it’s easier for him to trust i’m happy if i complain, because then he knows i won’t stuff it.

  12.  #12lk on March 29, 2012 at 9:12 am

    cd’s ex-girlfriend emailed him… he’d responded to her earlier email, saying that i was living with him now & please not to call the house, but that he would be available in an emergency (she’s “at-risk”)…. & …. she responded saying things about me & their “life together”… & … of course. i know that it’s difficult to break up & move on & ……….. but…. i don’t know. i told him i didn’t want to read his personal correspondence. & i said i trust him to handle it. but he was feeling angry that she would say anything “against” his happiness, since she walked out. like… did she think he was supposed to sit on the shelf after she left ? sad. i wish she was happy & i wish she felt happy for us. & he was saying that it was making him realize how afraid he felt that i was going to leave…. & i did tell him, well, baby i tell you everything that upsets me, so i’m not going to walk out with no warning… & i love him & i feel sweet & safe watching him negotiate this. i feel sad also hearing that about her…. i feel very confused about what she expected ! like, really ? you left that amazing man & thought that he would just pine & waste away ??? no. he made amazing changes in his life & sought me out & it feels amazing that we found each other like we did

  13.  #13Memulo on March 29, 2012 at 9:13 am


    Thanks he caled again this morning and I couldnt pick up so texted later: Thanks, will call in the afternoon. And then he texted: U ok? I replied, later again, ‘Ok’. a bit dry?

    He may have realized that I needed my question answered for an important meeting and he got back to me 24 hours later.. which is not the end of the world and he didnt know when the meeting was taking place, but he knew how important it is to me.

    Thinking to text 2nd time: ‘Thanks, feeling so busy’. It’s nicer, right?

  14.  #14Mel on March 29, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Mr. A and I had a really nice open conversation yesterday. And no surprise, it was over email. The nice thing is that he always follows up with me later in person.

    So this week I have been doing some cooking. He cooks for me all the time and is always concerned that I am adequately well fed. It felt right to return the favor for him this week as he has been very busy at work.

    But then I started to feel a little weird. Old thoughts about feeling expected to cook, and a little bit of insecurity around the possibility of being perceived as motherly or domestic or unsexy.

    So I told him about the rumblings of the circus mice, and also how at the same time I was feeling excited about sharing in the cooking responsibilities in the household, and that it felt good to contribute. But that the mice are a bit bratty and really like to be spoiled, so they don’t want him to get used to such extravagance.

    He told me that he loves me and the mice and that I am very sexy, even if I cook for him from time to time, and that he certainly does not expect me to cook for him at all… but he is so very appreciative when I do.

  15.  #15lk on March 29, 2012 at 9:24 am

    btw no one has a better “how we met” story i’m pretty sure…

    cd sent me a super-creepy email on a dating site from a fake profile (no pictures/no info/false location)… LOL but his creepy message was clearly a joke… & a very funny, surreal, smart, complex joke…. lol…. so i wrote back to him chastising him for frightening a bunch of women on a dating site : ) …. & turns out we are best friends ! & shockingly he is not even creepy. just has a very twisted sense of humor ? which i share : )

  16.  #16lk on March 29, 2012 at 9:34 am

    aww, mel that’s sweet : ) it feels really difficult to establish safe boundaries around domestic work i think… since it feels good to help, but i don’t want to always be asked & i want to help, but i don’t want to feel taken for granted either… but i do want to help : ) lol i twist myself up about it

  17.  #17Mel on March 29, 2012 at 9:46 am


    I’m feeling really excited about moving in and all that involves… but definitely these sorts of things will have to be worked out. I really do want to be helpful and to contribute, but it’s all about the expectation. I never want to be expected to do anything, nor do I want to place expectations on him. But it’s good to negotiate ahead of time what would make each of us feel happy.

    I get off work early a couple times a week, so I told him it would be my pleasure to cook dinner on these days. It’s already our “rule” that the chef never does the dishes… and that’s worked out nicely. 🙂

    I’m sure we’ll also have to discuss things like laundry and other domestics. I’m feeling confident that he will come up with a nice flexible plan that we can discuss and work with.

    Yesterday he referred to the bedroom as “our bedroom” and has been including me in conversations about renovations etc. That feels nice.

    I’m feeling so happy for you lk and I’m sure I will be looking to you for “move-in’ advice in the near future. 🙂

  18.  #18Tiffany on March 29, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Mel – that does sound great! I love the conversations that you have with Mr. A. I feel at a loss to find a man who will accept me so completely as that. Because my issues are not all that different. But maybe letting a guy “see” me has really been the problem….not sure how to “solve” it. I guess FMs are the key. I really admire the you’ve successfully integrated all this practice in your life. It really seems to be working out for you!

  19.  #19lk on March 29, 2012 at 9:55 am


    at first, i only felt good cooking “extra” things… like cookies or treats : ) …. now, i’m the baker & the salad-maker & he chops everything for me & cooks all the meat…

    i actually just made breakfast for the first time ! on monday : )))

  20.  #20Starla on March 29, 2012 at 9:56 am

    I wrote him back saying i’m sorry too and that actually it would feel nice to be able to fight (*SOMETIMES*, not all the freaking time lol, which we definitely don’t. I can still count all our fights on one hand) and have it all be “okay” and to figure out together ways we can encourage gentleness and lovingness even if we’re fighting.

    I feel wobbly and scared.

  21.  #21lk on March 29, 2012 at 10:00 am


    when i feel upset, cd asks me to hold hands with him & make eye contact & smile. it’s amazing actually… though sometimes i do feel pretty resistant to it – & sometimes i can’t really “smile” but the grimace is usually funny enough to get some real smiles going again : )))

  22.  #22Starla on March 29, 2012 at 10:06 am

    lk, we hold hands and look at each other too:). Can’t do that over the dang phone, though. le sigh.

  23.  #23lk on March 29, 2012 at 10:11 am


  24.  #24Mel on March 29, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Thanks Tiff!

    I really do *try to use FMs whenever I can. And the goal for me is to always take 100% responsibility for my own feelings. Of course, I have days when I feel more blamey… but this blog has been a great place to vent that rather than spewing it on him.

    It’s funny… the other day, he was joking about something and someone said “you’re going to get yourself into trouble!”

    And he said “Nope, I’m never in trouble. I love that, actually.”

    And I thought about that a bit… and it’s not that we haven’t had our issues to work thorough. And I felt a little surprised that through all of them, he has never felt he was made *wrong*. And I felt so happy to it that because I have really been trying my very best not to make him wrong, and it’s working! Yay for Rori!

  25.  #25Starla on March 29, 2012 at 10:12 am

    i honestly couldn’t sleep most of the night, and when i did, i dreamed that CF was calling me, but I couldn’t get my phone to connect….I woke up from each dream checking my phone, disappointed to see that he didn’t actually call.

    So I laid in bed…thinking to myself “okay starla, this is an opportunity…it sucks that it feels like this could all be over, but you can practice and learn to send yourself love and not let it consume you.” So I just sent myself a lot lot lot of love, even saying out loud sometimes “love to me”

  26.  #26lk on March 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

    when i feel broken, it’s amazing to say, ” i love myself radically & unconditionally… & i love everyone radically & unconditionally… & i love myself radically & unconditionally “

  27.  #27Lizka on March 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I’m not feeling super good. Feeling sad and weird. I just felt a little urge to lean forward with ATW. I won’t do it of course. But the feeling doesn’t feel good…

  28.  #28Starla on March 29, 2012 at 10:27 am


  29.  #29lk on March 29, 2012 at 10:35 am

    it’s appalling to me that men on my sales team ask me to ship things for them… *edit* only 1 man does this. i shouldn’t help him, for my dignity & sanity, but for my job security, i better just be a “team player” lol

  30.  #30Starla on March 29, 2012 at 10:53 am

    i feel soooooooooo exhausted and anxious and i quit coffee last week, blah.

  31.  #31lk on March 29, 2012 at 11:02 am


    re: the video you posted… i can’t click it since i’m at work, but i do feel curious about it

  32.  #32light heart on March 29, 2012 at 11:07 am

    from last thread

    Gingersky 🙂

    l k 🙂

    thankyou both for your feedback
    to my posts

    light heart

  33.  #33light heart on March 29, 2012 at 11:09 am

    and Memulo, too 🙂

    i don’t think I missed anyone
    (challenging to keep up sometimes !)

    light heart

  34.  #34lk on March 29, 2012 at 11:50 am


    ” The problem with average men and women is this: to the average man, the average woman looks great. To the average woman, the average man looks like crap. “

  35.  #35Spiral on March 29, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Okay, Rori, I really love your posts, but the comments here are getting out of hand.
    First of all, there is this childish obsession with being the first to post a comment.
    Secondly, none of these comments have anything to do with the original post. They are all just women talking about themselves.
    I appreciate that these women need a place to discuss their lives, but it’s not HERE. Is there a forum or some other place where they can talk about their personal stuff that is unrelated to these blog posts, and leave the comment section for people who are interested in discussing the blog post?

    Oh wait, I need to do this in Feeling Messages…
    I feel irritated that no one is commenting on the original post to discuss what the current topic is about. I feel sad that I may unsubscribe from this blog because I feel so annoyed with the self-centered comments on here.

  36.  #36Starla on March 29, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Hi Spiral, welcome!! 😀

  37.  #37lk on March 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm


    aww i feel sad reading “self-centered” & also “no one is commenting on the original post”…

  38.  #38Coco Kisses on March 29, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    This post hits home, because I believe that built up anger and resentment my husband had towards me, is one of the reasons why he says he is no longer attracted to me or wants to have sex with me.
    As many of you all know, he already left the house 3weeks ago, and this [ast Sunday said that he thinks its better we get a divorce than stay in limbo aka separated. I’ve been dealing with it ok, but today I am feeling, sad, and devastated…..I still do love my husband. I feel like I failed, and all my prayers for my marriage were in vain.

  39.  #39Starla on March 29, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Spiral, I would be more than happy to read your comments about the original post! Once you’re done commenting about your personal opinions and views unrelated to the post itself, that is;)

  40.  #40CurvySiren10 on March 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Ladies, this subject is one I am very familiar with. I recently ended a sexless marriage and am working with a partner writing a book on resentment in relationships. I would love to discuss this more as it intrigues me to hear all of your stories and points of view on resentment.

    Coco Kisses, there IS a way to resolve resentment. I’d love to talk with you more offline if you’d like.

  41.  #41Coco Kisses on March 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I’m feeling very unsettled. I feel like my marriage has been aborted 🙁 …..early termination….. TOday is one of those days.

  42.  #42CurvySiren10 on March 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm


    Rori’s blog has always acted like a forum for those of us who want to participate. There are usually blog comments when it begins, but we also post about our own lives and relationships and have formed quite a comraderie. I’m not a super active poster, but I do keep up with everyone and also am part of a facebook group of Sirens from this blog.

    Hope you will stick around and learn from the wealth of knowledge and information here!

  43.  #43Coco Kisses on March 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    @ Curvy Siren10 please email me at raveenacosmetics2009@gmail.com , I would like to know more about how to resolve resentment, although I’m afraid it may be to late for my marriage. My husband felt bad about not wanting to have sex with me

  44.  #44Zara on March 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    New thread =>

  45.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on March 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    There are TWO new threads!

    I’m back here from the other new thread, the one after this one… I wondered what happened to everyone..

    The newest thread is about Rori’s interview today with Allana Pratt. It’s today March 29th 2012 at 7:00 p.m. Eastern.

    There’s a place on the web site for submission of questions. Is anyone on Siren Island submitting questions for the interview?

  46.  #46Senior Lady Vibe on March 29, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    @35: Spiral

    Hi, my name is SLV and I’m self-centered.

  47.  #47Sassy on March 29, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I’m curious to know why us females get blamed for bedroom activities and/or the lack thereof. Seems to me they have just as much responsibility to keep us happy as we do them.

  48.  #48Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    I feel curious why you think this Spiral. Certainly I would no say this as a coach or a friend, and I feel certain Rori has not said this either. This post did not say this.

    The thing is whenever bad feeling things come into your life, it’s a wonderful opportunity to go inside yourself and see what’s going on in there, what needs further healing. We attract and are attracted to things, situations, people as lessons, as mirrors if we are willing to be honest with ourselves.

    There’s no blame. These things are gifts. Even if it’s as simple as a sign to stay away from that kind of thing, situation, or person in the future.


  49.  #49Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Sorry Spiral, I mean Sassy. I’m getting my S’s mixed up.


  50.  #50Sassy on March 29, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    I was referring to what Jill said about her husband feeling angry and resentful about their sex life. It appears that Jill is taking all the responsibility for making him happy.
    My response was not directed at Rori’s answer.

  51.  #51LoveAlways on March 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Welcome Spiral!

    I felt a similar confusion about the blog until I took the time to observe the patterns over a few days.

    Rori posts a new thread every few days (or sooner when some event or issue arises). However, there is a continuous community of women (Siren Island) blogging that persists throughout each subsequent thread. We share our experiences, seek and receive support and get help with creating feeling messages and circular dating tips, among other things.

    The foundational information you are looking for are in Rori’s actual programs (as well as in her blogs which are indexed in the right hand column of the page). As you read the blog, you will see that many of us have purchased various of Rori’s programs and reference them often. I believe the e-book was (is ???) a free download. It is my own opinion that the Modern Siren program is a great investment 🙂

    Anyway, what you witness after each of Rori’s blog posts is the practice and experience that we choose to share with one another. Yes, there is a lot of day-in-the-life postings here 🙂 I am a random-stream-of-consciousness poster myself!

    The most beautiful aspect here is that there are women blogging here at various stages of relationships, life and from different parts of the world.

    So, please, do not be haste in your observations and conclusions, but stick around, read what’s going on, and see what speaks to you and your situation. The women here are also very willing to share with you and offer help and support as you work with Rori’s programs.

    Again, welcome!

  52.  #52GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    #48 Dominique, if you`re referring to Sassy`s musing about why women are blamed for bedroom issues, I wanna share with you that to me it seemed she meant just in general, out in the world at large & in many relationships. I also habe observed this to be a dominant paradigm, that if sex is less than satisfying our society tends to generally blame the woman. So I kind of wonder what you saw in her comment…? It feels good to me to ask:)

  53.  #53Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Sassy – Okay I see now what you mean. Yes it’s true that we women can tend to feel responsible for most everything. Until we learn differently.

    But the only men who would think it’s never them are those we would want to weed out anyway.

    A good man won’t allow you to get down on yourself, be mean to yourself, demean yourself. He won’t take advantage of your insecurities.


  54.  #54Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Gingersky – I though she was referring specifically to this site, the post, maybe Rori or other women here on the blog.

    I now understand she meant this as in general. Though as I said, I don’t necessarily think others blame women as women tend to take this on themselves, so others, men will pick up that ball, to shirk their own responsibility. Of course I’m talking about men and women who have some deeper work to do, those who maybe have not come to the realization that they need to heal.


  55.  #55GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Wow, I really love everyone`s comments to Spiral. Spiral, your comment feel kind of interestingly familiar for me to read, as it reminds me of how I too might have reacted/responded years ago, and how I used to respond in class at my school. For me, I wound up being the one who was totally distracting everyone by trying to control everything & “keep it on track”. I`m not saying this applies to you, but reading your comment takes me back through my journey of growth. Your comment feels very judging & blaming to me to read. That makes me feel curious… I wonder if your job or something requires you to be very focused a lot on specifics & so maybe this blog feels distracting for you to read? It would have felt good to read if you`d said “Wow, all this talk about personal lives feels distracting/superfluous/annoying to me. It feels like my needs are not being met here today… I feel a sense of loss that I don`t see anyone posting about specifics of the actual blog post. Does anyone feel like doing that kind of conversation with me? I`d like that & it would feel really good for me.” That is a “feeling message”. It works really well.

  56.  #56GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Spiral, also I am similarly not interested much in who responded to the blog first. But this has become a traditional thing here, and several Sirens have a good time with it & with being light & playful here… I see that as esp good since life can often be way too serious & upsetting, and childlike simplicity is often a *great* direction to go instead! It makes me feel really happy to see Sirens enjoying themselves & being cute & playful, & having a smile! All I have to do is scroll down one or two short entries & go past that. I feel curious, interested & intrigued about what seems so offensive to you about it… and what`s underneath your trigger there.

  57.  #57Sassy on March 29, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you both Dominique and Gingersky. I feel pleased that you both took the time to re-read and respond to my “musings”.
    Yes, Dominique, unfortunately this has been my own personal experience. And I know that I have some very deep healing to be done. Im working on it.
    I feel frustrated and sad alot of the time about how screwed up I really am.
    Much love

  58.  #58GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Dominique:) that sounds really interesting… like you see it as a mirror/projection & self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Yeah. I sort of see that it`s also, at least in my geographic culture here, a blame toward women that is found often in culture-pockets which have a less cerebral & growthy vibe, & more of a macho vibe… which we still have quite a bit of in my general area here. This is all intriguing for me to think about. I like what you said & how it makes my awareness slide into the deeper parts of this & how it plays out for us all as individuals. I`m all about the mirror, though still *very much* learning to work with & thru my own triggers & projections. Thanks, your words always make me consider more of something than I`d normally see. That feels **really** good.

  59.  #59Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Sassy – Sweetie, we ALL have deep healing to do. You are SO not alone. That’s one of the reasons coaches become coaches.

    You are NOT screwed up, simply wounded.


  60.  #60Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Gingersky – 🙂

    sending love.


  61.  #61GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    #57 Sassy , you said you feel really sad about how screwed up you really are & that you know you have a lot of healing to do still. *You & me both* It feels totally weird to have so much growth & maturing etc in certain areas, but yet to be still at the basic broken triggered reactive & imo immature places & not yet able to get where I so need to be in it all faster, esp at my age. I reacted to NSM being triggered with me the other night by shutting down into freeze mode. This is the worst thing I can do with him Now we are *really* broken up. He2 was acting like a cad, though so I love & want him, he treats me likem less important & doesn`t step up well much of the time. I now know he has a long history & pattern of one-sided “using”-type relationships in which he dominates & demands/criticizes/tantrums, etc, then ditches a woman bc he`s simply tired of her & enjoying the power and so on, even though he`s very tender, passionate, caring & needy at same time (confusing)…. so I`m hurting but should really consider it less of a loss than what it feels like. Still, I am NOT at all happy with how i react & feel hurt & give away my power in SO many many situations frequently!!! I cant afford Rori`s materials etc. But I know when I work thru the tools she gives, I`ll make much better progress. I

  62.  #62GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Brenda, you & I both seem to really love hard & have no natural tendency to let go when we really love someone… you with Kenny & Ryan, & me with NSM & one or two others in the past. I`ve left quite a trail of broken hearts in my lifetime, in connections where I wasn`t really interested. In my life I`ve been deeply loving & committed, just looking for fun, needy, strong/tough, callous, desperate, bitchy, lonely, selfish, self-sacrificing, amazingly & deeply gentle & sweet, desperate, independent, rejective, unconditionally accepting… I wanted this one to work. I really really really did. Despite those I rejected in the past, often with ease, when I really love a man, it seems for life. I know other Sirens feel this too. I love our feelings & I didn`t want NSM to turn out to be the cad he often is, I hate to say this, as he has so many awesome & rare qualities… & I just love *him* tho I want him to grow up more too. And he didn`t want me to turn out to be the triggered sensitive type I am. CDating is hard here as my town is small, I have no car, or money & I`m an oddball quirky personality w health issues.

  63.  #63GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    BUT I remember Dominique (?) telling me how all that DOESN`T MATTER! Your message to me that day, Dominique, set me straight, about how you were in less than ideal circumstances when your man connected with you, and you & other Sirens had other friends who experienced the same! That made SO much difference for me, so simple but what a revelation. Like, getting out from the tyranny of thinking I have to be perfect to be loved. I *love* you for that.

  64.  #64GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Oops, one of my comments went into moderation… probably bc I used the word “bxtchy” — in reference to myself of course! 🙂

  65.  #65GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    I just need to share all this here, just for me… it feels *much* better to not sit here alone with it all. Which has been the case most all my life, a pattern I`m changing & have changed in many ways, thank God, finally. I just need the support of Sirens being here, O getting to write my feelings & thoughts in less isolation than a journal.

  66.  #66Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Gingersky – Yes, yes, yes, we all go through similar things, and even if the details or even the bigger picture looks different, the feelings are the same. We all feel the same things.

    And it’s okay to have flaws and bumps and bruises and warts and even ugly bits, for this is first of all part of being human, and secondly, it’s these “imperfections” can and does endear you to a man.

    No one is perfect. I don’t even know what this means. Yet we all have room for growth. A good man will want to come along for the ride.


  67.  #67GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    #59 & #60 *Thank you* Dominique, good words or wisdom & truth. I can & do say this to other people but I needed to hear it too. /tears/

  68.  #68GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    #66 Oh, Dominique, *this* is largely what I need to work with right now I guess… it`s more theory than practice with me so far. This feels like it will get me my power back.

  69.  #69GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    #66 Yes! I see how my trying to bend to NSM`s & other`s perfectionism only makes me less attractive & makes them less comfortable. “A good man will want to come along for the ride.” This feels really good.

  70.  #70GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    (Going to try changing avatar to my real face for awhile… not sure if I can do it on this phone. Need to “come out” from behind my lion face & just *be me* for a bit… )

  71.  #71GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    #66 And I always notice how a man`s “flaws” *totally* endear him to me.

  72.  #72GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    #53 Dominique: Dxmn! Your last paragraph describes exactly what NSM does with me, taking advantage of inssecurities a bit etc, but he mixes & matches this with real caring… and with wanting me to be less insecure & leaving me with it if he can`t “fix” me quickly! I **like** to read what you wrote. I feel what seems like your soft, sinewy, sure energy in all you write. That feels very good too:)

  73.  #73Dominique on March 29, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    You are so sweet Gingersky, love your energy. I wrote you an e-mail a few days ago by the way.


  74.  #74Sassy on March 29, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Gingersky-oh I so “get” you! I’m 56 years old and have alot of responsibilities, but I am very emotionally immature. I recognize this. That’s why I’m here. I take so much from this blog and all the other coaches (thank you, Dominique). I don’t share a whole lot, I’ve always been quiet. I honestly have stuffed down my feelings my entire life, so using feeling messages and even figuring out what I feel is so foreign to me.
    The man that I have been in love with and involved with for almost three years is completely emotionally unavailable. I know this and I have tried to walk away from him over and over.
    I got to thinking the other day that every relationship I have ever had has been with emotionally unavailable men!
    So yes, I am screwed up, wounded, whatever you want to call it and I feel terrified that if I don’t find some healing soon, that I will never find the person that I can truly love and love me.
    Gingersky, you are soooo welcome to express whatever it is you are feeling at any given time.
    If you wish to have private conversations, please feel free to let me know and I will feel happy to provide you my email.
    Much love

  75.  #75Daria on March 29, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    omg feeling inspired by Mel’s post

    hes not “wrong” for not calling me back or calling me on time… just … uninteresting right now

    wow yay i can still be nice and open and loving towards him if i ever do feel like taking his calls

  76.  #76Layla on March 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I’m new to these blog posts, although I read Rori’s blogs often.
    I have to agree with #35 spiral- the comments section is a bit unwieldly. Its really hard to follow discussions and the whole thing seems like a secret club. And being #1 to post is kind of getting old.

    My suggestions for Rori, if she or her assistants read these blogs is that she set up message boards on the site. There could be boards for different topics. That way the comment section can be used for comments to the actual blog.

    I hope no one will attack me for these comments like the way some of you attacked Spiral. I think some of you were being unfair.

  77.  #77Daria on March 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    mmm i had an instant of not making him wrong there

    jumping back in my head

    and back in my body again now

  78.  #78Daria on March 29, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    mm yeah i felt disappointed not hearing back from u and i felt kinda weird hearing from u after we met and then not realy talkinga after and

    actualy punctuality consitency and all that serious stuff is really important to me with a guy im dating and

    i wouldnt feel comfortalbe to date anyone without that

  79.  #79GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    #75 Yeah, Daria & Mel, this is something I`m getting better at lately in how I think about men… he`s not wrong, he just loses my interest. Not such a biggie (& not personal etc). I can be into my own thing & just not at all worried about it. Men who don`t vibe w me or who don`t step up are merely uninteresting to me.

  80.  #80GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Wow, that non-blamy “uninteresting” viewpoint feels **really, really** super duper good in thinking about NSM. And it must do something very big & shifting to my energy bc it *automatically* feels like I`m not in loss, but am full of the attention of 100 men who are cool, interesting, attentive & capable of relationship with me. Yeah.

  81.  #81GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    #74 Sassy, I just saw your comment to me! Yes!! I didn`t know how to feel my feelings hardly either, & am still learning. It feels really, really good to read what you wrote. We are in similar boats, aw. I`d very much like to have your email & some private conversations.

  82.  #82GingerSky on March 29, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    #74 Sassy, thank you for your words about expressing myself here. Lol, I`m glad I did that so much on this thread so I didn`t overdo it on the active thread… when I`m upset I tend to spam the blog;) In learning to finally feel my feelings, I`ve also realized how deeply lonely I`ve always been all my life! And how relational, omg! (Always used to say I wasn`t very relational, primarily caring about work & life projects etc, but was just frozen inside & stuck in total boy energy literally 24/7) So your saying to me that it`s okay to express myself here really *feels* like something… it moves & touches me inside, in a very wounded & tender place… bc in the pasgt I`d`ve never been able to say that feels good to hear & I neded to near that, but would have had that tenderness lurking underneath where I could ONLY KIND OF GUESS & wonder in longing AT ITS PRESENCE OR RESENT IT. NOW IT FEELS RELATIONAL TO KNOW IT MATTERS SO MUCH. THANKS:) Oops, sorry for caps, lol. Would take like 15 mins or more to correct it on this phone, so am leaving it. Please disregard caps!

  83.  #83Sassy on March 29, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    It does appear that it’s just you, Daria and me here on this post, lol. Feels strange but also kinda quiet. I keep looking at the next one also to see whose saying what.
    Anyway, my email is alllieb15@yahoo.com.
    (yes, 3 lowercase L’s).
    Anytime you feel the need, I’m there for you or anyone for that matter.
    Much love

  84.  #84Rori Raye on March 29, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Layla – Thank you, and yes, I’ve considered all kinds of things – but, essentially – all manner of forums require constant moderation – and I just can’t commit to that. I LOVE the community here, and will do my best to find other ways (I tried a plug-in that created “threads” for the comments – and that didn’t work out well….) – I believe this is working the best for the most – and I know I’ll hear otherwise if that’s not true! Love, Rori

  85.  #85Rori Raye on March 29, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Gingersky – the car and money thing is what’s sticking you in so many other ways – and I know love is much more fun to contemplate than getting your own boy out there to take care of you. And – if you do that – everything will change.

    We all have those intense loves in our pasts. The thing is to stay present, to go with the moment, to not give meaning to things beyond our human understanding, or stick our hearts anywhere but in the present. Love, Rori

  86.  #86Daria on March 29, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    mmm i feel inspired by that last rori comment… to not stick my heart anywhere but the present

    im looking at “my past” as waterwheelign energy to me, the fern

    i feel closed off numb and wary

    im judging “my past” as toxic, not trustworthy

    and i want to receive

    take take take

    that i feel numb is GOOD! im feeling and healing

    thank u

    thank u Daria

  87.  #87Layla on March 29, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Wow! Rori…you do read the comments!!! I feel so impressed.
    Rori, on ivillage they have volunteer moderators for their boards. Since you have so many regular posters, I bet you’d have plenty of volunteers (ones that you trust).
    Just an idea- from my boy! (btw – my boy has tons of ideas for you. How about a youtube channel for you!)

    My girl feels like just jumping into the fray and trusting that it works!!

  88.  #88Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 8:57 pm


    RE: #62 = Thanks for relating with me. yeah, I love too hard. Don’t know if I want to stop it, because CDing doesn’t resonate with me, as much as I agree with Rori for reasons to do it. I’m’ just a one man woman.

    “I’d rather be alone than be in love just half the way.”

    So glad you are back on the blog!

  89.  #89Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Spiral and Layla,

    RE: #35 – I feel yucky reading about being first on the thread as childish. I feel sad to think other women don’t embrace their inner child.

    I feel happy and giddy and silly, and I love it that little things like that are fun for me.

    Because it sure as he11 beats being depressed or having no will to live. It reassures me that I am alive. And after all I have gone thru, that in itself is a miracle.

    What I know is that it is a beautiful thing for me to be childish and playful. And I feel sad for any woman who has had the child beat out of her by repeated criticism and harshness, which she naturally learns to pass off onto others, to try to make someone like me feel bad about herself.

    Further, we are not self-centered. I will speak for myself. I have been deeply emotionally damaged from childhood. I have been here for 3 years for deep inner healing, and I have come light years.

    Rori herself has encouraged us to use this space as a journal, if we choose. She has requested that, instead of advice giving, we talk about ourselves in feeling messages. The more I learn to love me in a healthy way, the more I can learn to love others in a healthy way.

    The change in the world all starts in me. But don’t take my word for it…try it! Maybe you will find yourself journaling yourself to health, so you won’t find pleasure in criticizing people like me, who have re-found their joy after a lifetime of debilitating depression.

    I love you, lil girl Brenda! You are so cute!

  90.  #90Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Spiral and Layla,

    You are welcome here, but I encourage you to start your own blogs!

    I have found for me a lot more fulfillment and success in controlling myself, rather than trying to make other people do things my way.

  91.  #91Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Spiral and Layla,

    One reason I stay on Rori’s blog is because the freedom she gives us to self journal has opened the road to so much inner healing for me. I have been on the blogs of other relationship coaches, and they are so controlling that I felt completely stifled and just left after one post.

    At a glance, maybe this all looks self-centered and disjointed to you. I have been here for a while, and chosen to implement Rori’s tools, and I have seen myself and other Sirens grow extremely much. I don’t particularly care if you don’t see my growth or care that I have re-engaged with my inner child after a lifetime of feeling like an old soul. I am not out to please you. I feel God’s pleasure in me, and His approval is all I want or need.

  92.  #92Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    Hi Sirens…
    From previous thread…I am reposting.

    Brenda about the Cop, I’m not sure I’d assume he is just out for one thing…

    Yes, I totally hear your words and the feeling of “ick” when you feel someone was octupus all over you!! BUT…you were true to yourself (as I said before).

    Men of course want sex and it’s up to us as beatiful, sexy sirens to set our boundaries (which you did)…and of course they will try.

    Even GOOD guys will try, I believe that at least. Men have sexual needs that are so strong, they see us in all our sexy sirenness and get turned on and of course think wow look at her…!!! hey maybe she will have sex with me…??

    But it does not mean, IMHO, that he now and always has just thought of you as a sex object, whether you ahd done it or not.

    Perhaps ask yourself how do you see yourself?
    Soft? Beautiful? Magnetic? Lovable? Valuable!!!??

    Repeat the positive things to yourself (silently) over and over every day in the mirror and see if someone in your life actually uses one of the words out loud.

    Yes I stole this from a previous post, and we are only supposed to pick one word, but I had more than one so I picked them both…I picked soft and beautiful as words for myself…..and YES someone did tell me I was beautiful!! OMG!!! It was NewCD. Hee hee…

    HUGS Brenda

  93.  #93Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    another from prev post

    Thanks Jilly, Brenda, Ulii and Love Always for your replies!
    He did contact me and we are supposed to meet tomorrow. We shall see what happens!

    Also, I’m all of a sudden getting all these leads for a new job…like they are coming at me like a rush! I’m almost overwhelmed but I’m super excited!

    I also repeated this thought to myself on the drive home today….getting a new job is easy, meeting multiple men to CD and possibly marry is easy, I want a husband and knowing HE is the right one will be easy, etc etc…and it was weird because I actually was believing it is true…

    I’m having an easier time picturing myself as married and getting married and being married and staying married and being cherished and feminine and loved….yummy…

    Just hoping this feeling lasts.

  94.  #94Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:22 pm


    RE: #56 – “Spiral, also I am similarly not interested much in who responded to the blog first. But this has become a traditional thing here, and several Sirens have a good time with it & with being light & playful here… I see that as esp good since life can often be way too serious & upsetting, and childlike simplicity is often a *great* direction to go instead! It makes me feel really happy to see Sirens enjoying themselves & being cute & playful, & having a smile! All I have to do is scroll do”

    Thanks for that, GingerSky. It feels good to be back in the land of the living. Starting in mid February, I spent most of a month collapsing emotionally, just laying around, sitting around, coming unglued. I felt horrible.

    I feel happy I was able to put myself back together better than before with God’s help. I stopped eating glass for breakfast, and I recommend it…I feel so much better embracing childlike behavior than embracing shards of glass from a diet of pain and sadness.

  95.  #95Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm


    RE: #92 – Thank you so much! That was all really beautiful and affirming! yes, I have had a similar practice for years. At every juncture, I say to myself, “I am lovable and capable.” The first time I did it, I cried. Now it is second nature.

  96.  #96Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    Spiral and Layla
    It is by no means a secret club, it’s a public forum on a public website open to all. Rori does not screen you to join a club.

    Actually, nearly everything we talk about on here is Rori-related. Even if we are talking about shoes or what not…it’s about expression and feeling good about ourselves in the process of being a siren….

    Feel free to comment on the article posted, I’d love to read about your feelings and thoughts.

  97.  #97Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:30 pm


    Yay for you having gooder and gooder vibes about marriage, etc.

    And it does help me to realize that most men have a sex drive like that, even tho I don’t like it. I don’t know if Cop will contact me again. He knows I am at a conference (which I love!! here until late Saturday!}

    I have a feeling he is holding out to see if I will offer to have sex with him, as a means of getting with him again. If so, he’ll be waiting a long time.

    I want a real relationship, or at least a real friendship. I am not booty call.

    I said that to Kenny and he scoffed that that’s not the way it is at all, that men get to know a woman first on a sexual level and then go deeper as they feel comfortable. Oh well!

  98.  #98Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    Also I don’t feel that the sirens on this blog are self centered AT ALL!!!
    They are the OPPOSITE. They help each other and encourage each other, read each other’s stories, give love and smiles to each other.
    That is not selfish.

  99.  #99Brenda on March 29, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Spiral and Layla,

    I do my best to be aware of letting go of all expectations with others. Then I feel free with people, rather than resentful or critical.

  100.  #100Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    97 Brenda
    Sorry to Kenny but he is wrong. I think guys try to tell us BS like this so they don’t feel bad about being shallow. Yes I said shallow. Recycled pulled that sh&t with me too, trying to tell me that all men cheat and lie. I believed it for a minute and it felt awful. I choose not to believe it. He thinks that just cuz he does it, all other men do too, so he doesn’t have to OWN it or feel badly.

    GRR…Kenny feels toxic.

    Also, not that I’m trying to tell you what to do, but I feel that you are villainizing the Cop too soon…

    Perhaps rather than automatically putting Cop in the sex seeking booty caller category, i.e., he’s waiting for me to contact him for sex…try picturing the best possible outcome like…
    wow! He thought I was HOT he wanted to get with me! Awww how cute men and their sex drive they are so helpless sometimes with us sirens!! He can sense that my heart is a pool of gold he can safely jump into and his heart is wanting to connect with mine…but he doesn’t know how so he jumps to sex. Aww I’m so proud of me for taking care of me and my boundaries!

    Isn’t it Rori that says somewhere that men are desperate for an emotional connection and heal most effectively through a woman’s heart? Maybe I’m mixing up Tinque and Rori…anyway, remember they have emotional needs as well as physical.

    My point is try to assume the best not the worst.

  101.  #101Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Sometimes I don’t comment on the article posted because I don’t feel like it. And I can do whatever I want or don’t want!

  102.  #102Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Ok I am getting a lil annoyed with NewCD…we have a time and day and nearby city set up to meet, but not a specific place. WTF? He was going to get back to me and now it is late and I never heard back.

  103.  #103Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    oh and we are meeting tomorrow…

  104.  #104Tiffany on March 29, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    My kitty scratched her ear so much today that it drew blood. I had to cut her toenails. 🙁 poor kitty. I don’t know why she was scratching so much… 🙁

  105.  #105Tiffany on March 29, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Aw, Emerson – I know how you feel. I hate when guys hold out on the details. grr. Feels awful. But you did say tomorrow – at least it’s not today. If he doesn’t let you know in time to get there, then you can take the information and decide if he’ll be a good guy for you to be with on future dates. And also, he’s a guy. So if he knows it’s his job to find the place, then you could shoot for the best possible outcome, and maybe imagine that he’s taking his time, doing a lot of “research” (i.e. google;) to find the *best* place to take you. : )

    Speaking of best possible outcomes, I really liked what you wrote to Brenda just there. That was great about turning it around from assuming the worst to assuming the best, or looking for positive motives, instead of negative ones. Today, I did Byron Katie’s “The Work” on my negative automatic (physical) belief that all men who have or want to have sex with me are trying to hurt me – to men who are or are wanting to have sex with me are trying to love me. Aw. That felt so good to turn it around like that. And it felt good to write it just now. It really helps! 8)

  106.  #106Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Tiffany I love this
    men who are or are wanting to have sex with me are trying to love me. Aw. That felt so good to turn it around like that

  107.  #107Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    Tiff thanks for your comments about NewCD and the plans in the air…
    Yeah I did think that same thing, perhaps he’s not sure where to go and he’s still thinking about it, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He’s really sweet I want to be flexible and give him a chance while still being true to my feelings and open heart an soft and sireny 🙂

  108.  #108Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    When I was talking to him on the phone today I was saying “wow I feel so impressed, you work soo hard!”
    He was really eating it up… 😀 Men sure do love that kind of affirmation! I was kind of experimenting but it was cute how he reacted!! Aww..

  109.  #109Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    104 aww poor kitty I hope she stops scratching!

  110.  #110Tiffany on March 29, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    I think I got the best advice from Dominique that I’ve ever received anywhere (okay, I’m sure that’s exaggeration). It was surprisingly good and surprisingly simple. And even if I’ve heard it before, it might not have sunk in, and I really *needed* to hear it today – and that is, “Don’t share your process with your man.”

    I mean, it’s kind of like a “duh,” statement. But really, that’s what I’ve been doing all the time. I go through something, and I think it will “help” if I “share” what’s going on for me and how I’m dealing with it – like in case it freaks him out that I’m acting so strange, just give him the play-by-play. And check it out, it backfires, EVERY time. Of course. That’s because he’s just not interested – he’s a guy. He is interested in ME. Not my Process. But I’ve been conflating the two – I AM NOT MY PROCESS.

    And the other reason, is because it means I am basically treating him and talking to him like he’s one of my girlfriends. He doesn’t want to be “one of the girls.” He wants to be my GUY. He wants to be my HERO. Backing down from all that smooshy talk doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me. It means he cares about his masculinity more. And he SHOULD – because he’s a guy.

    Wow, I think I just had some kind of a breakthrough today.

    And also, I spent a lot of quality time “raising my vibe.” It was thinking more about OM, and about things I wanted to “say” to him, or how I might write to him, etc. etc. But then I kept catching myself and just observing that I was obsessing, then stepping back, and seeing that I really didn’t “want” anything from the situation, and I didn’t even *want* to contact him, really. And there was no result I wanted to see. I noticed how I felt with him at many points during our dating period, and realized that it really wasn’t all great – I just wasn’t looking to focus on any negatives I saw, because the positives were so nice.

    I thought about him in a really calm, detached way, and even visualized my energy the way I was when we met – when I was just being myself, relaxed and sireny, and I really didn’t care what happened.

    Many of the thoughts I’d been having today came up when I was thinking about my last message to him – how he might have viewed me as “crazy” or something. (But that was probably my own judgment.) I chose to just let that go, and not follow up on that at all.

    I also worked on letting go my beliefs about him – that he is “a d*ck” for example. lol. How ridiculous. How do I even know that? And even if it was true, how does it serve me to carry around that judgment in my heart? It doesn’t. So I just imagined how I could be, not believing that as a true statement. And I felt my vibe shift immediately.

    I committed to really taking care of all my basic needs, and also I’ve been pleasuring myself like crazy : ) haha. It’s really been helping with the anxious thoughts ; )

    Anyway, the fun part of the story is that, after all this, and not expecting to hear from him – OM wrote back to me! Nothing special, I don’t think. But still.

    And K even chatted me on FB. That was so nice. We just had some friendly chatting and it was really fun. I thanked him for talking with me the other night, and I really meant it – it honestly did make me feel better. I don’t mind just enjoying how I feel, and there doesn’t have to be any pressure for anything “more.” For either of us. And that feels great!

    It’s been such a down week/couple-of-weeks for me. So I thought I would just share some good stuff that happened.

    Today I feel grateful for feeling so much more at peace, more grounded, and starting – maybe even making progress – on the process of embracing all of who I am, no matter what. It feels great. And I feel so grateful for all of the support I’ve received here on the blog, too. I think it makes more sense to share my “process” here – and let it be a secret from my man (or men;), so that he can wonder what I’ve been doing to appear so incredibly attractive that he can hardly hold himself back around me, or doesn’t know why he feels suddenly compelled to seek me out. Building the mystery : )

  111.  #111Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    Ginger sky I love what you said in 63
    I used to think “when I get a job” or “when I get thin” or “when I finish college” then a man could love me because I’d be think and educated and self supporting…see just push this button and instant Emerson pops up all ready to go! It’s all BS and you are so right…
    We don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

  112.  #112Emerson on March 29, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    110 thank you for the reminder not to share my process with my man…
    I share it here on the blog instead.

  113.  #113Layla on March 29, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    @#91 -Brenda,
    I had to go back and read my post to try and figure out how I offended you. I just stated my feeling about the blog comments and how difficult they were for me to follow. I wasn’t trying to offend you or anyone else. I didn’t call anyone self centered.

    I feel angry that you are taking your issues out on me because I don’t like the way the blog comments are set up and I suggested a different way. I don’t want to continue this back and forth with you and others on this post, so I’ll just read the blogs and skip the comments sections.

  114.  #114Tiffany on March 29, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    Hi Emerson ! Glad you liked the comments. 🙂

    And thanks for the thoughts about my kitty. : )

    That’s so awesome about the affirmation you gave him! Sometimes with that, I struggle with feeling authentic about it. Maybe because in my heart, I don’t care how much they work, and I’m “trying” to make him feel good – so of course he can sense that. Or especially if, on some level, I’m actually jealous of his working, because it means he’s not hanging out with me! lol. But that’s a little self-serving, isn’t it? ; ) I’m working on letting that go. : -)

    I did tease one CD by calling him “Mr. Hardworker” when he told me about his long hours – rather than give him the 3rd degree. He responded flirtatiously by asking me what I meant about that. To which I said he could interpret that however he wanted 😉 Haha. That was fun. I think he appreciated that.

    Guys really do take pride in their work. So it’s good to support them – so they’ll feel motivated to support *you* in every possible way. ; )

    Well, it’s getting late here, so I’m going to head to bed. I can’t wait to hear about your date tomorrow!

    ‘Night, sirens! 🙂

  115.  #115Daria on March 30, 2012 at 1:40 am

    Tiffany – me personally, I don’t try to let it go. If I feel jealous of his work I mean. I want to be prioritized… His work is for Primarily contributing to me and the household (in the future). I come first.

    Also I find it even better when I realize he’s trying to impress me and I say ‘I’m impressed’. It feels like flirting to me, that buttering up thing, even if I’m just saying it to butter him up, just that I Want to butter him up and would do that is lots of love for him .

    And I don’t know am trying to find a sub for Hardworking. For me. Maybe committed dedicated stable trustworthy amazing powerful impressive the way you put forth consistent effort. Mmmm like.

  116.  #116Daria on March 30, 2012 at 1:41 am

    Gets it done

  117.  #117Daria on March 30, 2012 at 1:44 am

    Anything self serving or self centered is just what I’m practicing here.

    Practicing running my energy – water wheeling – in a self serving towards me way, and self centered as the target of love for men around me .

    And i mean it in general not just those two exercises.

  118.  #118Brenda on March 30, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Emerson, 100- Wow! That felt really good to read!! Every word of it!

    Right on and insightful!

  119.  #119Brenda on March 30, 2012 at 6:42 am


    I apologize. Please forgive me.

    I felt offended at Spiral’s comment about my childishness. It was a mistake to include you.

  120.  #120Coco Kisses on March 30, 2012 at 7:33 am

    RE # 111 Emerson

    I too am coming out of the same type thinking. I am lovable TODAY, just as I am. I used to think if I just lose this 65 pounds, if I pay all my bills off, and do everything perfect, then he (who ever was in my life at the time) would love me. The thing is that this leads to overfunctioning, and opens the door for being used and abused.
    I am focused on learning to love ME, and be SELF- CENTERD for a darn change.

  121.  #121Emerson on March 30, 2012 at 7:44 am

    130@ Coco
    That is wonderful! Yes we are lovable today and right now indeed just as we are…this feels so good and freeing…
    🙂 🙂

  122.  #122Emerson on March 30, 2012 at 7:47 am

    118 Brenda
    Another thing I thought of with Cop is that he already knows you have strong values, I assume, from your conversations. And he still wants to spend time with you. He may not even be that good at dating (i.e. the Red Robin date) but you can inspire him to be a better man and teach him how to treat Brenda how she wants to be treated ONLY as a highly valued siren!!!

    I do what Rori suggests and I wear a beautiful pearl bracelet almost every day and when I touch it and feel it I am reminded that I am a highly prized siren, soft and smooth and pastel….expensive.
    She tells us to wear pearls, sometimes I do and sometimes I wear other stuff…but still reminds me..

  123.  #123Emerson on March 30, 2012 at 7:48 am

    I still haven’t heard from NewCD where we are meeting. I dunno it feels bad to be left hanging.

  124.  #124Layla on March 30, 2012 at 10:04 am

    #119 Brenda – I was probably too harsh in my response – we all have issues! And there was some truth in your comments – that maybe my suggestions were a form of trying to control. As I said in one of my other posts, that was my boy. My girls says let go and jump into the fray and trust that I will get the hang of the blog community. Take care and hope to talk to you soon!

  125.  #125Starla on March 30, 2012 at 10:36 am

    There is a rori youtube channel:)

  126.  #126Brenda on March 30, 2012 at 10:40 am


    RE: #124 – Thank you! That felt sweet.

    I remember I had a lot of criticism for things here when I first came. You are right – we are not perfect. But it has been totally life-changing for me!

    Rori is seriously onto something that is worthy of her teaching as a BA program! I am just tapping into what she offers so beautifully!

  127.  #127Brenda on March 30, 2012 at 10:44 am


    RE: #122 – “I do what Rori suggests and I wear a beautiful pearl bracelet almost every day and when I touch it and feel it I am reminded that I am a highly prized siren, soft and smooth and pastel….expensive.
    She tells us to wear pearls, sometimes I do and sometimes I wear other stuff…but still reminds me..”

    Thank you! Superb! I will do that!

    Cop emailed me today, and he was friendly…I feel really good about it. He knows I’m at the conference so he didn’t ask me out. Just touching base. Cool.

  128.  #128Emoticon on March 30, 2012 at 11:59 am

    wow, reading that post made me sad and confused about the way the man was handling everything, confused about his actions and words kind of opposing each other… hmph.

  129.  #129Frances on March 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    RE: #111

    Emerson: “We don’t have to be perfect to be loved”

    I wish I felt that way, I’m always saying:

    – When I have more money
    – When I can wear contact lenses
    – When I am physically fitter

    and the list goes on….

  130.  #130Brenda on March 30, 2012 at 9:15 pm


    RE: #129 – Have you ever seen “Shallow Hal”? That movie was very therapeutic for me.

  131.  #131Silver Moonbeam on March 31, 2012 at 4:26 am

    #124 Layla

    Feel free to join in with the blog talk whenever you like. Yesterday I felt repressed on here, maybe it was the boy energy.

    That disapproving voice is how many of us got here in the first place, whether it was from our parents or ex men in our lives, we have all come here to heal. If we were “together” people then we wouldn’t need the blog.

    Yes sometimes it may seem trivial to some people but we are all on a journey here, Sirens come and go all the time dependent on what is going on in their own personal lives.

    It took me quite a while to “get” this blog but I am sooo glad I have found it, it’s the most wonderful place to vent I have found on the Internet.

    Talk to YOU soon too. 🙂

  132.  #132MsTerry on March 31, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Hi there sirens, I wondedered if any of you could help me out with a problem. I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. I rarely connect in a physical way enough with anybody to have or want a relationship with them. Is there something wrong with me? I am nearly 40.

    When I was in my late teens and 20’s I idealised relationships but rarely got past 6months with any bloke.

    Now I have gone the other way, and don’t feel like I want a relationship at all. I am incredibly selfish and the thought of having to give up my time or go to events that I don’t want to go stresses me out big time.

    Yet, the irony is, I HATE being on my own? What is wrong with me?

    I’ve watched my other friends go in and out of relationships and the all seem very happy. Or at least they willingly and happily persist with the relationship. What is wrong with me that I can’t do that?

    Also, I do try and circular date. But the men I am attracted to always stop calling and the men I’m not attracted to enf up bring friends for life. Which is great but it still leaves me feeling like I have a big gapping hole in my life which I have had for 20 years.

    I get so jealous of the intamacy other couples have. The fact that they can make plans together and look forward to the future together. I find it so hard and lonely doing it on my own and have often wanted to give up.

    Anyway, any advice on what I am doing wrong? I feel I have tried everything…

  133.  #133Rori Raye on March 31, 2012 at 10:38 am

    MsTerry – I’m going to make a post and long answer out of your comment….please look for it in a couple of months (it takes me that long to write and schedule!). Basically: I’m going to put some ideas out here – please don’t be offended, it’s my job to open up the “box.” Could you actually be more attracted to women – on an emotional level? Please truly go into your fantasies and see if that could possibly be there, and let yourself feel it if it is.

    Second thing is – did you suffer abuse trauma when you were younger? If so – please find a counselor who specializes in ways to work with this so you can see and feel more clearly and make the best decisions moment-to-moment that you can. There are books, too…see if there’s anything there to work with.

    And, then – what if you LOVE being single!!! There are SO many women who actually prefer to live alone and have an assortment of lovers and friends! Perhaps that’s your most fun and fulfilling lifestyle, and you just haven’t settled into it yet.

    Investigate all this, please – and then use Circular Dating and my Targeting Mr. Right program 100%. If you’re attracted to men who don’t want you and not attracted to men who do want you – that’s a job for Circular Dating, to practice ALL of my Tools, keep track of what you’re doing as if you were doing therapy on yourself with the help of all these men you meet. Love, Rori

  134.  #134Frances on April 1, 2012 at 2:25 am

    #130 Brenda

    Yes I have seen that movie, quite some time ago but I still remember it vividly.

    Maybe it’s time for me to hire it and watch it again….

  135.  #135rime on April 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    hi me and my husband not togther anymore have three kids , i am still in love with him what should i do to get him back .. please advice i try all kind of things ,begging , say ilove you all the time , call him
    nothing work let me now

  136.  #136Rori Raye on April 6, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    rime – please read everything on this blog – everything, and get support. You are doing the exact OPPOSITE of what will work for you. Love, Rori

  137.  #137Julie on April 7, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Hi Rori
    I have your siren and script programmes they are wonderful and really helping me.
    My bofyriend is getting upset because My single female neighbour and I are going dancing together without him. Friday nights when he is busy anyway with a male friend. She feels he is being cold towards her. How can I diffuse this situation? I also sent you a more detailed letter via the qustionaire page. Feel umcomfortable with this situation. My bofyriend and I met dancing he is 51 I am 52 over 1 year ago. There has not been any suggetion of a ring etc etc. We met social dancing and still attend venues gogether. My neighbour is new in to dancing and as I have danced for many years and help teach I want to introduce her to guys she can dance with.
    Please can you kindly advise.


  138.  #138jessica on April 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

    please i write with tears running down my cheeks right now. How do i do to forget about this guy i m dating. i was better of when i was single. Please help me

  139.  #139Radlove on April 20, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Julie and Jessica,

    Welcome! Julie, have you mentioned to him that he is out with his male friend on the same nights? I wonder why he cares when he is doing the same thing, LOL! Could you invite him to go with you?

    Jessica, my heart goes out to you, and I have been in your position too many times. For me, it came by baby steps. Feel free to use Rori’s blog as an emotional growth journal. That is one of the number one things I did that really helped me. I have been listening to Rori’s materials for 3 years, and I’ve been writing on the blog for 2 years. I recommend her Heart Connection Toolkit for you. It will help build your self esteem. Same with Modern Siren. It is about healing your heart right now, and learning to love yourself.

    Most of us write on the newest thread, found here:


  140.  #140GivingGirl on April 20, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Good Morning,

    I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to keep up with the blog. I will be busy all through the weekend too. I hope everything is good with everyone. 🙂

    I’m getting nervous because Boat Guy comes home this weekend and I don’t know how things will play out. I’m hoping things are better when he returns. I hope he makes plans to see me. It’s been 2 weeks since we last saw each other and before that we were having that spat and didn’t see each other for 1.5 weeks. I miss him and I hope he misses me too.

  141.  #141rena on April 21, 2012 at 6:04 am

    hi , here is my problem, i married 5 months ago to a teenage sweetheart i havent seen in 32 yrs he was in prison then he was in and out of prison for 23 yrs he is out for good now. he was a great love then and he is now he is very good to me . but here comes the hard part he will not touch me in anyway that mite excite me we rarely have sex and then he doesnt seem to get his pleasure it is more like mine just to get it over with, 1 im thinking he likes sex with men but he swears he doesnt 2 i hae a high sex drive and am thinking of cheating – but wnat it to be him i have sex with, 3. he got some pills at the store and they really worked! but he couldnt climax and ended up in pain- he refuses to ever use them again, he says its not me he loves me and is attracted to me — i am not a child i KNOW when a man is attracted! and he is not! and i am not unattractive not a model but not to shabby, he knows of the problem my question i guess is how do i stop wanting to have sex with him when im so attracted to him and how do i rev him up i know me if i turn off my attraction in a sexual way the love will go too- and i wont want him in my life because his sex drive or lack there of is not what i want – i didnt get married to stay celibate and told him so – he knows but i cant get him to do anything! any help any ideas ? and in a hurry

  142.  #142Rori Raye on April 21, 2012 at 9:22 am

    rena – Though this man sounds like a good man – he also would understandably have all kinds of trauma and challenges from his background. The only way things this deeply challenging can be “fixed” is through therapy, religion – some deep personal work he can only do for himself. I applaud your willingness to try to work things out, and your acceptance of needing to move on honestly and directly (not cheating) – unless he’s open and wiling to have a polyamouous, open relationship. He might be relieved, and this might work for you – but again, honesty, communication are the only way something like this would work. Love, Rori

  143.  #143Rori Raye on April 21, 2012 at 9:26 am

    S – yes, I do some private coaching, and I will release the replays of my Forever Love teleclass soon – with a single new teleclass to add to the program…if you want some paperwork to book a session (it’s the only fairly expensive thing I do, tho – so I always encourage you to get my programs first), email Melanie@CoachRori.com – and if you want to purchase the replays of the Forever Love (6 classes plus an exclusive interview with my husband about how our marriage works) go to..http://www.coachrori.com/how-to-find-love-and-keep-it-forever/ Love, Rori

  144.  #144rena on April 21, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    thank you rori for answering so quickly i truly value your thoughts and will take steps to incorporate your advice , as for the original topic, i apologize to any all of the women who have commented on this page if i indirectly or stupidly ask for help in the wrong area. i meant no disrespect or stepping of toes just needed real help /advice fast

  145.  #145Radlove on April 22, 2012 at 8:16 am


    Welcome! You will find that there is a tremendous amount of freedom here. You didn’t do anything that needs apology.

    I wish you the best!