What “Holding Onto” A Man Looks Like…

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If you’re in that awful-feeling place in a relationship where you feel insecure with a man, and almost everything you do and say and even think makes you feel even more helpless to change things, I know what that’s like – and even better – I know it doesn’t have to be like that for you.  Let’s work on this together:

We’re starting here with how to NOT Hold Onto a man. This is going to feel almost completely the opposite of everything you’ve been taught and told, and I know if you try it – you’ll feel better, and you’ll get so much better results with a man. 

I’ll pull this apart in a series of posts, and for now – here’s a short list of what Holding Onto a man looks like:

1. You think about him, even when you’re doing something or are somewhere where there are other things to look at and think about

2. You go from thinking about him to wanting him – like you would a glorious piece of chocolate fudge brownie

3. You analyze every move he makes and everything he says, and every move you make and everything you say.

4. You initiate contact – calling him, leaning in for a kiss, hugging him, sending emails, texts, cards…

5. You worry about everything you do and say and everything that happens out of fear it will push him away

There are a bunch more, very subtle things, too – but for now – take a look and see if you’re doing any of this. Spend today noticing if you’re doing any of the things on this list – just notice, and make me a list of what you notice, when you notice it, what’s happening – see if you can find a pattern and write that down, too. (Email me your list if you’d like, or post it here as a comment – I’d love to read it, and it will help me help you even more specifically.)

Next, we’ll work with how to get out of this awful pattern…

Love, Rori

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6 Comments

  1.  #1patricia on November 4, 2008 at 10:39 pm

    hi rori,

    im feeling what you have said in the post.. i keep doing stuff for us for him not to be pushed away it turned out he broke up with me.. what should i do?



  2.  #2Cindy on April 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    This post goes back a few months. I hope Rori will come back and tell us how to stop this pattern. I answered “yes” to several of the questions above which is so heartbreaking for me. Things were going so well and now I feel I am back where we were in the beginning of the relationship…always fighting for attention and love and scared to push him away. There’s a vicious cycle where we have a stupid argument but he needs his “space” from me for a day or two. No response to calls or texts…absolutely nothing. This puts me in a mode of desparation where I will do anything to make it better, but I end up pushing him further away. Just when I think he isn’t coming back to me, he comes back. But I always have to hear about what I did to push him away and I should have just left him alone.
    This man tells me I am his one and only and he wants a future with me…everything including marriage, kids, a home. He tells me he is in love with me and his feelings are very strong.
    I admit other things are going on in his life that are putting him in a sort of “funk”, but why doesn’t he feel safe with me? I am starting to lose hope that he will every truly let me in. I am tired of crying, tired of feeling so desparately hurt that I just pray to God for a moment of peace so my heart will stop breaking. I need to break the cycle and do what he does…sort of disappear for a while to see what he does and if he will come after me.

    Cindy



  3.  #3Pooja on June 8, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    I realise I’m doing just about all of these things lol…. that’s kind of frightening. But it’s soooo tough not to do this when you care so deeply for someone! It just comes naturally to me and I can’t help it… I’m really going to have to try to stop these things in their tracks. I read the follow-up article about what to do and I am going to try that. Every time I catch myself doing any one of these, I will just imagine letting go of him. So glad I found this blog!! Thanks so much, Rori! =)



  4.  #4Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 7:10 am

    I think mine is already planing a future that seems to be without me – and I want to be in his future and I have done those things and answered yes to most of it – how do I undo it and get him back – cause he really, really is worth it



  5.  #5ABC on November 10, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    ok. Rori this is my list:

    my biggest problem is i THINK too much of him. and the frustrating part is the more i think about him, the more i want him. i wonder why he ignores me, why he isn’t into me, why he’s hurt my feelings like that even though he knows i don’t like to be ignored.

    then i get angry with myself for missing him and thinking about him. but you know it’s just something that’s out of my control. i don’t know how to stop myself from thinking about him, and why he hasn’t called.

    even though i am good with not initiating contact, but i am still thinking about him, every minute. it sucks up so much of my energy i am so sick and tire of it.

    now i feel more tense and anxious to let go of him, i am afraid to let him go, i know i am resisting it. that’s why it’s causing me so much pain and stress. i know it’s not healthy for me, i just don’t know how to stop this.



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