What If I Trusted Me?

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sedona 077 200I’ve really noticed that the word Trust is so “loaded.”

To say: “I trust myself.”

That feels really hard sometimes.

Sometimes I don’t trust myself to drive. I don’t trust myself know where I am

So I’m putting some new words to that and here are my new words:

I feel unsafe.

I feel unsafe with myself.

I feel unsafe here in this place.

I feel unsafe with this man right at this moment.

Soโ€ฆ What does safety have to do with it and how can I start to feel safe?

1. I intend to pay attention.

That means, pay attention to what’s going on around me, where I’m standing, what I’m feeling, what all the muscles in my body are doing, where my thoughts are flying, where my thoughts are landing, what direction I’m facing, what I’m looking atโ€ฆ

Paying attention is just that. It doesn’t mean that I am judging all of these things.

So pay attention also has to mean: “Am I judging myself in my thoughts?ย  And “Where I’m looking?”

2. I need to be able to step backward.

I need to be able to say no. I need to be able to walk away.

Without my ability to say No to things outside myself, I can never feel like I have a choice.

I’ll always feel like I’m drawn into something, pulled toward it, and that I have no control over myself.

This automatically would make me feel unsafe.

In that same way, my own thoughts can pull me in a direction. They can steer me towards an action or another thought or a judgment or a feeling.

It can make me feel like I have no control over myself.

Like I have no options over what I think, or the direction I take myself.

3. The thing about this is: There’s only me in this picture.

What this means to me is that:

I’m the only person I can be angry with.

I’m the only person I can be frustrated at.

I’m the only person that makes me feel unsafe right here.

And the more I percolate on that thought, that concept, that idea, that feeling โ€“ I realize it’s always like this for me.

In a very real way, there’s no one out there – because it is all going on inside my head.

Of course can’t feel safe out there on the road, with another person, in a strange place – because I feel unsafe with me.

I feel unsafe with my ability to walk away, to say No, or to just plain do something else.

And – the thrilling part of this is – I can fix this.

I can work with this.

I can actually enjoy un-spooling how this came to be inside me, and re-making it into whatever feels better.

I can un-make whatever ideas I’ve had about how anything “should” look – and see things fresh.

How about you?

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Shannon P. on March 7, 2014 at 7:42 am

    It’s like you read my mind. :p

    I’ve been really thinking lately that maybe I shouldn’t have a relationship, because I no longer believe that “men don’t leave,” in fact, lately I’m believing the opposite… and that is making me feel like I don’t want another relationship, ever, outside of maybe dating.

    I have only one thing to give, one thing of true, intrinsic value… that’s my heart. And I can’t trust any man not to abandon it–the only thing that can truly damage it.

    I want to say that this post helped, but it really didn’t. Because ultimately, I can only decide never to give my heart, I can’t decide whether or not the man will eventually decide to abandon it.

    Abandonment really is my deepest, darkest fear; and the greatest pain for me. To trust is to risk abandonment, and I begin to realize that maybe at the end of the day, I’m not strong enough for that risk.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on March 7, 2014 at 7:53 am

    I did Louise Hay tapping video some time ago that helped me with the feeling of being safe.

  3.  #3Millie on March 7, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Perfect timing for this post. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4.  #4Millie on March 7, 2014 at 8:38 am

    I was thinking the other day actually…how can I trust and love myself if I’m not taking optimum care of me? Not exactly what Rori’s post is about, but I realize
    I haven’t been drinking enough water….or working out (besides dancing), coping with anxiety in unhealthy ways. I could take better care of myself! I notice my care for myself gets worse when I feel bad about my actions or decisions, or even what someone else is or isn’t doing around me…..Self deprecation, a habit I need to break.

  5.  #5Kyla on March 7, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Yes, wow, synchronicity! I was driving home from the play last night and was thinking how I’ve been staring at this dark corner for the last few months and every now and then it brightens up but now I’ve finally stood up, stepped back and realised there’s a whole room.. with windows and french doors and a beautiful view of the garden.. I was choosing to look at the dark corner and forgot that there was so much more I could but my attention to.. I am allowing myself to notice the good again.. my situation is better than I thought.. my thoughts are not always right.. sometimes they even lie to me!

    I am seeing fresh again this week and that has changed everything. I can feel my motivation returning and my options opening up.

  6.  #6Andrea on March 7, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Oh Kyla. I feel so refreshed reading what you’ve just written here. That yes, there is so much more than what we allow ourselves to be aware of in any given moment.

    This articles reminds me once more to pay attention to me. I feel solid and focused on my self, and also expansive. I remember so many times with my ex that I felt fear. Not because he was threatening me in any way, but because… (Now I see) I didn’t feel safe to say NO. I didn’t feel safe with myself. I didn’t feel that I had choices in our relationship. I felt as though he needed to have his way or he would leave me. Huge Fear!!

    But then he did “leave”. And I am safe. huh! Big lesson there for me.

    Being alone, getting to know and feel safe with myself again has been the greatest joy of my life. Giving myself permission to pay attention to myself has been the most exciting adventure of my life. Sometimes I’m so happy with my life that I’m just giddy. Today, I feel giddy. Excited. Anticipation. I feel the Universe smiling at me.

    I feel safe with myself. I think this is the first time ever in my whole life that I have been able to say that. I feel safe with my options, with where I’ve gotten myself, safe with my abilities and my boundaries. I feel safe with the people I am attracting into my life, (even those I feel negative about) I feel safe that I can and DO put up safety distances with them. I feel safe to engage when I want to and to disengage when I want to. And the most important aspect is I WANT TO.

    I feel like a whole new Universe is going on inside of me. WOO HOO!!!

  7.  #7Daria on March 7, 2014 at 10:25 am

    hmmm i feel… drawn forward into rushed hotness…

    and sad

    and i feel pleased and relaxed and cooled in the moment…

    i feel :/

  8.  #8Turquoise on March 7, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Shannon, I’ve been feeling similar feelings lately. But I know men don’t leave all women…. just a lot of them leave me. So, something I’m going to practice with dating, doesn’t go along with Rori’s way though a bit…. I’m practicing saying no to guys I don’t want to date. My date last weekend… I didn’t really like him, but in the back of my head I kept thinking how we are supposed to be open and CD, give nice guys a chance… but I’ve done that before, and as soon as I do start liking them, or considering it…. they pull away. And then I feel like the one with the problem, but I didn’t even really like them all that much, I liked the idea of them. So, that guy asked if I’d like to see him again, I said maybe…. and he pushed, so I said maybe to get a drink and hang out, but I didn’t see us being a couple. He was kinda odd and a little crass, and didn’t pay for my drink,.. should have seen the look on his face! I wasn’t rude about it or anything…. but he seemed surprised. Said he respected my honesty though.

  9.  #9LoveAlways on March 7, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    “I feel unsafe with this man right at this moment.”
    OMG, this resonates with me! Yes, it’s not just Trust, or about what he is doing, I don’t feel safe. It’s what I’m feeling . . . UNSAFE. and I want to feel safe. It’s more than trust.

    “And โ€“ the thrilling part of this is โ€“ I can fix this.
    I can work with this.
    I can actually enjoy un-spooling how this came to be inside me, and re-making it into whatever feels better.
    I can un-make whatever ideas Iโ€™ve had about how anything โ€œshouldโ€ look โ€“ and see things fresh.”

    I just experienced this today. I had to stop, lean back from MYSELF and just imagine myself adjusting and relaxing into the situation, taking control of myself, seeing that YES, I can see this a different way.

    Great riffing Rori!

  10.  #10LoveAlways on March 7, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    I feel unsafe!

  11.  #11Femininewoman on March 7, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    From Bobbi Palmer

    “Thank goodness there are do-overs in life. Like when you mistakenly spit food or fall out of your chair on a date…and you call me upset. I’m going to tell you to simply get over it and Do It Again.

    Well, last night’s ‘Casting the Net’ Live Webcast felt a bit like falling out of my chair. The technology goddess was not watching out for us. I heard that many of you couldn’t get in. Also, and this is heartbreaking, I didn’t have access to all the questions you submitted so I couldn’t give you the personal support I promised. Ugh! You submitted a lot of great questions!

    So…we’re doing it again! Saturday you’ll get an invitation to a recorded webcast that has some new juicy content AND answers most of the questions you asked.
    Keep an eye out. Let’s DO this!

  12.  #12Iris on March 7, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    #23 of Bobbi Palmer post @ Andrea, thanks for sharing that interesting story about you and your friend liking the same guy.

    It is interesting that you mention how using feeling messages helps you connect to others. I think the anxiety that I feel when I use feeling messages to people I’m not close to is an anxiety that I am creating on my own with my insecurities. I’m not fully comfortable using feeling messages, so when I say that I am having problems with female friends, what’s REALLY going on is that I am still baby-stepping into the comfort of feeling messages.

    The last time I felt anxiety from using feeling messages was when I was confiding to my close, girl cousin. I was sharing with her that I was feeling insecure and isolated recently. I starting to feel anxiety from using feeling messages, but the interesting part is that my cousin responded saying, “Wow, Iris, you really are a woman! I like that! I like seeing the softer side to you everyday!”

    Once again, I’m creating my own anxiety. *sigh* baby steps…

  13.  #13April Rose on March 7, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I feel unsafe, and insecure.

    I have no idea how to start to –
    “enjoy un-spooling how this came to be inside me”.

    Maybe if I learned this un-spooling (whatever the heck that is???) then I would stop wanting to back off or get away from people.

    I feel unsafe with WM. That he’s been talking to his friend about me. I have been in the room when they talk about other people, and I often step in and say “it’s not fair on that person to talk like that about them when they are not here to answer”. It feels bad to hear. And WM has been talking with HER about ME. Ickkkkk.

    I feel unsafe with my brother and have done most of my life. He used to invade my bedroom and go through my things.

    How can I take this back to me? And un-spool?

  14.  #14Ignis on March 7, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    it feels like the more I open to trust myself the more info shows up and the better it feels. What a ride. It feels like I am in the middle of cross fire today or in a no win situation now ..and it feels good to be able to go from feeling hopeless to feeling all right with it in the current moment.

  15.  #15Ignis on March 7, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    @ April Rose, hug! I feel really compassionate to your “maybe if i learn”. I feel the same, and then I feel angry at myself for even thinking that. because i want to be here and now, and not maybe if in the future. I feel like I am just finding excuses for myself. You feel the same about it?

  16.  #16April Rose on March 7, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Please tell me directly if you think I am making excuses.
    That would be helpful.

    I am being triggered constantly over the last days, and I don’t really know what is happening, I feel so weird and uncomfortable.

  17.  #17April Rose on March 7, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    I’m thinking “maybe if” (in my posting 13) because this is the first time I have come across this concept of Rori’s. I’m feeling my way through it.

    I automatically ‘just get the hell out of there’ when I feel unsafe (which is often in these last weeks).

    The effect of this is that I back out of my own space, even. And then feel helpless at people who I perceive are ‘taking over’.

    I think I am being ‘pushed out’. But in reality it is me who is checking out.

  18.  #18prplpsn28 on March 7, 2014 at 4:43 pm


  19.  #19Ignis on March 7, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    @April Rose. I cannot know if you make excuses, because I do not know you really. I know myself, and I know I’m master of making excuses in my head to shut up my feelings. I could even write a book out of what we learn here and flip it so logically that my heart would believe it just to not explore and stay toxic. But I do not want that anymore. I play all the programs on constant replay here since couple of days just not to make excuses. I was so triggered by last mr date I went all the way back to even before I found this site. Just that this time I felt I did not want to stay this way. I feel brave for surviving each hour nowadays.

    Oh and that reminds me about a Norwegian solider during wwi who spent many weeks up in the mountains in cold and wet weather hiding from Germans. He wrote in his diary he survived only because he planned ahead just next couple of seconds, he was so in the moment that he actually made it. This is where I’m at now, only couple of seconds ahead. That feels good, that feels like no place for excuses.

  20.  #20Andrea on March 7, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Oh my sirens!! I feel so wonderful tonight. I went to a book reading of one of my professors at an Art Center and about five people recognized me from the poetry slam night.
    I have a date with two different men next week.

    What I did was…. A man approached me tonight and he said, “Andrea! I saw you at the poetry slam. I wanted to talk to you that night but I didn’t get the chance.”

    I was at the book reading with a good girlfriend of mine. So I said, “Oh Marsh (the man) I felt so exhilerated by that experience. I would love to talk to you more, but I’m here with a friend tonight.”

    I handed him my card, then said, “I feel so excited to touch base with you. Will you call me next week?”

    He took my card and said, “I’m free Tuesday. Let’s go get a drink. I will call you next week.”


    I did a repeat of that same conversation with Charlie who also tapped me on the shoulder and said that he saw me at the poetry slam.

    So…. I’m thinking that my business cards which are pink and gold and flowery… are a perfect prop for my… “I feel like I’d love to have a date with you.” vibe that I’m giving off now days.

    woot woot!!!

  21.  #21Andrea on March 7, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    Oh!!! Ps!! The Best…

    A man followed my girlfriend and I into the Art Center and he came right up to me and he said, “Ma’am, I noticed you from my car as you crossed the street and I had to come in here and tell you that your stockings are so eye catching.”

    My stockings??

    Okay, granted, he looked like he must be at least 80 years old. And my legs are killer!!!! : ) Well they are shiny. So it wasn’t a love connection but how awesome is that??

    My girlfriend that I was with leaned over and whispered, “You know Andrea, you really DO look amazing today!”

    I’m just alllllll smiles.

  22.  #22Turquoise on March 7, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    My 13 year old didn’t make the cheer squad at tryouts tonight, even though she has cheered the last 2 years. It is so painful to see her so upset. She was very sick this week, but did her best and practiced a lot. It’s the rejection… Most of her friends made it, oh I just wish I could take all her pain away. She is such a good kid. So kind and thoughtful. She doesn’t play other sports… May try music lessons, but won’t be the same… Social activity and starting high school… I wish I could make it better. The shame is, they could have taken 12, only 10 tried out, and they only took 8. Very disappointing.

  23.  #23Femininewoman on March 8, 2014 at 5:12 am

    This resonated really deeply with me.

    Today, I’m going to show you a way to build deep, romantic connections with nothing more than a simple “shift” in how you communicate.

    I stumbled upon this gem when I was looking for an
    idea a while ago. I remember sitting in a quiet corner of my college library, skimming through psychological research articles. I had a huge research paper due for a psychology class and I wanted it to be something interesting
    I found something that was more than just interesting. I stumbled across an idea that transformed my life. (And it can transform your life as well) It was the concept of “locus of control.”
    It turns out that people with an “internal locus of
    control” achieve extraordinary success in nearly all
    areas of life compared to people who tend to adopt
    an “external locus of control.”

    Here’s the difference.
    A person with an internal locus of control focuses on things they can control or things they can personally do to gain control.
    People with an external locus of control focus on things they cannot control. They believe their estiny is controlled by external circumstances or other people.

    When it comes to communication, your locus of
    control makes a huge difference. If you’re frustrated when someone misunderstands you, and you have an internal locus of control, you’ll try something new and keep shifting your strategy until you succeed at becoming more clear and understood. With an external locus of control you’ll feel frustrated and defeated, blaming the other person’s ignorance as you storm away.
    People with an internal locus of control shift their
    strategy until they succeed. hey keep trying because they believe success comes from their own actions. A person with an external locus of control is more likely to blame some factor outside their control.
    They give up easily after concluding it’s something
    outside their control. You can see why people with an internal locus of control end up being more successful at work, in relationships, and many other areas of life. One of the things that differentiates people with an internal locus of control is that they are always discovering new forms of personal power.
    When you believe your destiny lies in your own hands, you actively pursue new opportunities to
    learn how to influence your world. The fastest form of learning comes from modeling someone who is already succeeding. It’s called “modeling knowledge” because you basically just model your own actions after the specific behaviors that are already working for someone else.
    “Learned knowledge” comes from reading and studying. “Activity knowledge” is developed slowly over time from experience. But “modeling knowledge” can yield results before you even understand why it works.

    Something explosive happens when you combine an
    internal locus of control with an opportunity tomodel someone else’s success.

    My own quest for happiness and success has been
    greatly aided since the day I consciously chose to
    practice an internal locus of control. With any problem I face, I force myself to look inside first. I force myself to ask what power I have to influence
    the outcomes I desire. It makes me feel less helpless. It empowers me to keep trying in the face of hardship.

    Always on your side,

    James Bauer

  24.  #24Indigo on March 8, 2014 at 7:54 am

    I haven’t been on the blog much, but I just wanted to share a beautiful song with you girls that I think encapsulates what we are trying to achieve (bonus is that the singer is from my corner of the world ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

    This song makes me feel beautiful, and free, and “light without care”:


  25.  #25April Rose on March 8, 2014 at 9:08 am

    I’m astounded at the difference in my mood from yesterday to today.
    Could it be some crazy hormone situation?

    I’ve got myself back. My trust in me. My perspective.

    Last night WM really gave me a telling off for wavering on our joint plans. I took it.
    The unsafe feeling part of me was plotting to get away from him and never come back. I realise I replay bad-feeling situations over and over.

    Today I have most of my inner security back. Phew. I feel much safer.

  26.  #26Syreena on March 8, 2014 at 9:12 am

    I don’t feel safe with men or women who ask or are having to have sex with men or women who they don’t know and are not in love with. As this shows me they have little regard for themselves and women and are happy and able to compartmentalize, disconnect and use womens bodies who they do not know or care about to temporarily gratify there physical needs. And are using sex in a distorted unhealthy way, Where people are physical, emotional and spiritual beings so I would only feel safe with a man who didn’t want to or attempt to use womens bodies as temporary receptacles regardless of who they were and caring about them in a deep and loving way. And someone who has only just met me or taken me out on a few dates does not yet know me or is not yet in love with me. They may well like me, want a FWB or to be a for now girlfriend, be infatuated, obsessed in an unhealthy way or have a desire to boost their ego and see so if they can get me to sleep with them and be another notch in their post.

    I don’t feel safe with men or women who get drunk or off their heads on drugs. Or are addicts. Or want to entice me to do this. I want to be more consciously aware not less and put myself at risk.

    I don’t feel safe to be with men or women who tell me I should or shouldn’t feel or that i have no reason to feel what I am feeling or felt as they show no ability to empathies when they do this so are not safe people to be around.

    I don’t feel safe around people who use well known manipulative strategies to try and control me.

    As I want to feel safe, I want to be consciously aware and put my trust in my instinct and feelings to recognize when to get myself away from any of the people who I don’t feel safe to be around. And to if possible not put myself in future situations of being around them.

  27.  #27Olivia on March 8, 2014 at 10:04 am

    @Syreena – I feel extremely triggered by this post at first – but then I feel compassion
    (sorry for lack of punctuation keyboard is broken)

    I have had a fair amount of recreational sex and have had good/bad/interesting/fun experiences and have gotten drunk and high for the fun of it although i dont do that excessive stuff anymore
    I’m a professional extremely smart fit sexy woman with a great life and friends and a relationship (I feel the need to be defensive and say that)
    So I feel like this is all SO judgmental
    BUT on the other hand I have a friend who is has never had any of these types of experiences and is very opposed to them
    And I could see her writing something like this and I love all the same for who she is
    We just see the world so differently that our friendship is drifting
    And that is okay
    Different boundaries for different people

  28.  #28Dominique on March 8, 2014 at 10:51 am

    April Rose – 13 – I’m with you on this. If you feel unsafe, and you feel sure it’s not your anxieties and fears creating an “I have to run away” feeling inside, then yes I would encourage you to remove yourself from an unsafe feeling environment.

    If it is you (which in the situations you describe I don’t think it is), there are ways to calm and soothe the anxiety and thus ease the feelings of feeling unsafe. A hand on your heart and breathing love to yourself is one good way to try.


  29.  #29Femininewoman on March 8, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Olivia just remember your past doesn’t have to be the same as your future. You are in a place now where you get to make conscious decisions. People’s words don’t dictate who you are or were. That was your path then and the one you are on now is the one you have chosen. It is your life.

  30.  #30MovingMagic on March 8, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Hmm…I’ve had my share of friends with benefits type relationships & I feel like they’ve definitely aided in my understanding and acceptanc of self. I don’t feel that they’ve in anyway lowered my worth. The men in my life know that about me & tend to appreciate my experience .In my experience, at 34 years of age men tend to value women with some life under their belts. We’re closer to knowing what we want and will/won’t accept.

    Not all relationships are meant to be deeply & emotionally entwined, yet I value each and every person/experience.
    I view myself as being a passionate woman, with many, many layers. I wouldn’t take back any of the experiences or memories.

  31.  #31April Rose on March 8, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Thank you Dominique,

    I couldn’t say no to my brother forcing his way into my room when we were growing up. Our parents didn’t intervene either.
    Now I am grown up and don’t live with him.

    My body remembers, though.
    Recently we were at my aunt’s house watching television, when he suddenly leaned across me where I was sitting. I flinched – and instantaneously held on tight to the cosy cushion that was feeling snug on my lap. In that flash of an instant my brain said that he knew I was enjoying the feeling of it so therefore he was going to snatch it off me.

    He was just reaching for the remote control.

    I felt embarrassed at my reflex reaction.

  32.  #32Dominique on March 8, 2014 at 11:39 am

    April Rose – I understand you feeling embarrassed, yet your these reflexive reactions are not at all uncommon and can stay with you to varying degrees for always. Your body does remember. You’re aware of this in you though, and when you feel it arise, do what works for you to ease the anxiety and fear, as I suggested in 27.

    Love to you.


  33.  #33Violette on March 8, 2014 at 11:40 am

    I want to go off of online dating. It’s not going well for me, and I feel stressed about it. I don’t like meeting strangers online!

  34.  #34April Rose on March 8, 2014 at 1:19 pm


    I enjoyed what you posted in 23 and have been pondering it today.
    It feels a lot like ‘taking responsibility’ and it feels empowering.
    Thanks for posting it.
    James Bauer is one of my favourites. I like his depth, and the range of what he writes about.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on March 8, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Moving Magic so true.

    Laughing Goddess has been on my mind for a while now. I wonder how she is doing. Does anyone know if she gave birth.

    Jilly I guess you have. Boy or girl?

  36.  #36Daria on March 8, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    im feeling amused… im leaning back on ‘chillin’ with my man hehe
    i might go ‘chill’ with him tho

  37.  #37Dominique on March 8, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Femininewoman – Laughing Goddess had a girl, and she’s doing great. Jilly also had a girl and is also doing fabulously.


  38.  #38Daria on March 8, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    yay thank you so much Daria for filling out my Brasil visa form

  39.  #39Daria on March 8, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    yay for Laughing Goddess and Jilly and their baby Goddesses ๐Ÿ™‚

  40.  #40Cris on March 8, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    I feel sad sometimes when I see how long is my journey. But I feel confident when I notice that I am walking and advancing ๐Ÿ™‚

  41.  #41Liquid Light on March 8, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    I’ve got two dates tomorrow.

  42.  #42Linda on March 8, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    I have been reading and keeping up with all the posts for days now. I am filled with thoughts and emotions. Every time I attempt to write anything. I just hit delete and close the computer.

    The topic of Trust has struck a cord in me. There was a post from FW on the last thread (I think) from BobGrant about how important trust is between you and the man you are with. That struck a nerve too. That quote was soo true.

    without self trust everything is different.

    I never want to be in a situation again when I feel without choice.

    I have all these memories popping their heads up from my emotional stew. I know I need to process them but I would rather get a gun and shoot them between the eyes to be rid of them.

  43.  #43Linda on March 8, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Cris… hugs to you. Mine feels endless too.

  44.  #44Femininewoman on March 8, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    Thanks for the update Madame Dominique. That’s so cool.

  45.  #45Cris on March 8, 2014 at 5:20 pm


  46.  #46Tereana on March 8, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    From previous thread: Shannon – thanks ; )

    Blue Rose – I’m glad to hear your situation with the new guy worked out!

    From this thread: turquoise, I read about your daughter and cheering tryouts : ( that sounds so disappointing. My heart go out to her. Those things stick with you. But if she has a supportive mom who loves her no matter what, I think that will make all the difference : ) she can always ask what she could do better and hopefully practice to do those things next year. Might give her a sense of control.

    I really liked that “locus of control” article, actually. It is making me think a lot. And for many, this is a learned behavior. A training, kind of. An abuser can train another person to “give up” their locus of control. That person can convince the abusee that they have no control. The feeling becomes real and can be very hard to unlearn.

    I believe I struggle with this. But at least, maybe in small ways, it is possible for me to believe that I do have some control. I just often don’t realize it because I am not “trained” to see how I can affect my surroundings. But I’m taking a few steps. I believe I can learn, even if slowly…

  47.  #47Linda on March 8, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    I need to fix what I have been thinking… I am feeling trapped by my thoughts. Tonight I am taking a step back from them. While I am doing this I also need to change my idea of what success is. I am feeling trapped by that in my thoughts too.

  48.  #48Leigha Baker on March 8, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    Andrea – I LOVED your story about your shiny stockings! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Ignis -14- It felt really great to read about how you went from feeling hopeless to feeling all right with your situation in the moment. That’s amazing!

    Feminine Woman – you can see a picture of her here…


    And here…



  49.  #49Indigo on March 8, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Linda 42,

    A major point of healing for me from my last relationship was finding the trust in myself again. It can feel a bit lonely, which I think is why I resisted it. I wanted to be able to trust others.

    I realized that this is my life, and that no matter what other people are doing I can still make choices, and this is where my power lies. My power lies in the fact that I need to be there for myself, first and foremost. It still feels a bit lonely, but my relationships have improved immeasurably. The close relationships I have in my life now are actually soaring to new heights.

    Yet, for me, I always need to remember that I trust myself first, and then I trust them. And this is ok. If I trust me implicitly, my trust in others doesn’t have to be 100% for me to be around them.

    I strive for trust in others, but I’ve realized over the course of my life, that as I trust myself more, I can allow others to be fallible.

    That is how it has played out for me at least ๐Ÿ™‚

  50.  #50Linda on March 9, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Thanks for sharing Indigo.

    I do trust myself . Even though I felt off balance a lot of the time in my last relationship. I would go back to my plumb line.. What was I feeling… and why. (The following my heart and not my head thing) Sometimes that became pretty muddy too and I would find myself loosing touch with the ability to “act” on what I needed to do to feel better and at time I would get lost sorting around in it all. I had plenty of opportunity to practice finding my voice and using it. Although I am still not good a using feeling messages and struggle with putting them into words… I at least know what I am feeling most of the time now.

    Where I failed myself and where my self trust was compromised was in making a decision and then yo-yo ing. It was very hard to totally walk away from a relationship that brought so many of the things that I was hoping a man would bring to the table. Funny thing though…as time went on and things happened and all the “dramas of the day”… those things mattered less and less. The “take backs” from the things I enjoyed were constant. It was like a cycle of him one day making deposits into my emotional savings account and then the next withdrawing it all.

    There are things that I miss terribly from the last relationship… but honestly I do not miss HIM. That feels cold to admit but is my truth. Being able to see this and embracing it is HUGE. That feels very successful to me. Being able to stay away from it and not feeling the least bit of anxiety about it feels great. I have grown. This is new territory for me. I have pushed thru yet another barrier. The noise in my heart is still for now.

  51.  #51Linda on March 9, 2014 at 9:02 am

    My response post to you indigo when to moderation. hmmm.

  52.  #52Leeanne Dale on March 9, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have purchased and read your book. It is helpful and refreshing. In doing some reflecting, I think I have figured out an issue that has been getting in the way of me having the successful loving relationship I want.
    I am a 35 year old virgin and have had a few short term relationships. I have no regrets in having been selective in wanting to only sleep with a man that I love and who loves me. Having said that, I am terrified of how men will react as there are not many women like me I’m sure.
    I know that any man who is worth it will be supportive of my choices. However, physical intimacy is such an important part of developing a relationship. I always get nervous and in my head when things start to heat up due to my sexual inexperience, and inevitably it’s not long after things fizzle out. I’m afraid that I’m subconsciously getting in my own way.
    How can I work through this so that I am able to be open to that relationship I truly want?
    Thank you,

  53.  #53Rori Raye on March 9, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    Leanne, Welcome – and Dominique is your ticket. Go to http://www.Sexandheart.com and get a coaching session with her on how to take yourself through this process. Love, Rori

  54.  #54Shannon P. on March 10, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Wow, Indigo! That’s absolutely FABULOUS!

    Thanks so much for sharing it! Right up my alley. I feel sweet and mushy now. ๐Ÿ˜€

  55.  #55Shannon P. on March 10, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Oh, it hasn’t showed up here, yet. Only in my inbox. Oops. ๐Ÿ˜€

  56.  #56Indigo on March 10, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    I feel absolutely blushy and chuffed that it made you smile Shannon P ๐Ÿ™‚

    Sirens, go check out the video that I posted the link to in post number 24 – absolutely beautiful, siren-like song.

  57.  #57T.Bradley on March 11, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Andrea 6,

    I have started to feel “giddy”. The things that ive been going thru has really gotten old and now im realizing my self worth and feeling a whole lot better than before.