What Is Destiny – Do We Make it Up

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sunsetI just got this Note from the Universe – and I love it:

Should you choose to go, do, and be, Rori, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you’ll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life’s good fortune must have been your destiny.

Or, should you choose to wait, wish, and hope, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you’ll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life’s bad luck must have been your destiny.

Rori, do you see what the difference is?
It ain’t me,
The Universe

Rori, destinies are a dime a dozen.

I thought this was perfect with the Circular Dating Tool – Which is about going and doing – so that you can just BE!

Isn’t it true, that when we look back and try to figure out what happened – good or bad – it’s so easy to “make-up” an analysis? It’s easy to see the “mistakes” if it turned out “badly,” and those same “mistakes” seem charming if it turned out “well.”

So – let’s go for the Charming. I say ALL of it – whether you choose to call it a mistake or a goof, or a glitch or a lucky thing (often they all LOOK the same – they just FEEL differently at the time and feel differently later, too, depending on what happens next) –  is just part of the lessons of your life that lead you to greater awareness, happiness, and better and more fun and good-feeling outcomes as you go along.

Sometimes what we call a “stumble” is actually “serendipity” – a lucky stumble.

Scientists experience this all the time, and artists and poets and singers (look at how Adam Lambert’s many “stumbles” at his AMA performance resulted in more publicity than a PR person could hope for, even with an unlimited budget, and actually more love, adoration and bonding with his fans than anyone could have ever expected.

You just don’t know.  We never really know.  There’s just no point in being “wistful” and “what if” about it all.

“Losing” isn’t always losing.  Winning isn’t always winning. “Going with the flow” really is where it’s at – and learning how to do that and STILL keep walking across the Bridge to your Happy Ever After is what we’re working at here…step-by-step, no matter how rocky it feels at the time.

Love, Rori

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141 Comments

  1.  #1Tina on December 14, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    I guess so…



  2.  #2Daria on December 14, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    But its SCARY….

    waaaah



  3.  #3gina on December 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    I like this reminder…I’m doin, bein, and goin.

    a little epiphany about destiny…it’s not a future “destination”, it’s where we have arrived. Like here and now is our destiny. And by doing, going and being, we are able to arrive at a “destination” that fulfills our heart’s desire.



  4.  #4Daria on December 14, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Ohhh Gina I like that a lot!



  5.  #5Mary on December 14, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    A few years ago I interviewed a lot of entrepreneurs who were really wealthy – for an online project – and recorded their stories of how they became successful. I noticed a pattern, and the pattern was that none of them really knew where they were headed. They were just headed! They had energy and momentum and they were following what they thought was the money stream. As soon as the stream took a bend, they did, too. They abandoned their former plans, regeared themselves and kept going. Their suggestions for others: follow your pathway, take advantage of opportunities that come along, don’t worry about dropping plans that don’t look like they’re working, don’t worry about what other people think. Just keep going wherever you’re headed!



  6.  #6Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    NIce ! THank you Mary.

    Yes the lefkoe lady said people who were rich succesful didn’t mind failing. THey were like, ok well im gonna do tthis, Fuck it, i messed up its all good, Change somethng and fuckin try again

    Still feeling that Fuckin energy that feels good cussing in my index finger hehe

    FUCCCCCCCCCCCCKIN FUCKERS MMM I Love it
    fffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    myabe cuz the f is right next to my index too

    ffffuck
    ffffcuk
    fuck
    fuck
    fuck
    fuck

    f cffffffffffffffc fv gggggggggrcvrv eewxex



  7.  #7Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Doesn’t feel so scary anymore!

    My finger is obsessed.. I love you figner, Im starting to feel anxious. I feel odd and a little scared that you want to type fuck over and over again? And i love you. HUG. I ACCEPT YOU

    IT DOESNT MATTER IF OTHERS DONT

    I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU FINGER

    FUCK

    you can fuckin say what you wanna say finger
    FUCK



  8.  #8Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    lool.

    I just called this woman who is going to be doing a healing ceremony for me and I wanted to bless her, so then I was about to say have a nice day, but then i wanted to say a week

    and I told her have a wonderful LIFETIME!

    looll

    I felt embarassedddfffff hhahaha. I said im so silly.

    LOOL.!!

    I fffffffffffffffffffffffeel good.



  9.  #9Nikita on December 14, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    …….charmed I’m sure 😉

    Mary,

    I love this interview thingy……I feel very curious about it.



  10.  #10Jennifer on December 14, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Oh Rori
    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SCARRRRY!
    I’m a planning, mapping, in my head kinda girl.
    I’m working on this, but sista-friend it’s scary.
    I knew when I left B that I didn’t want that life anymore. I could see the length of it stretched out in front of me and it felt mostly terrible.
    I figured that I would be alone but at least no one else would be there to ignore and dismiss me. I just assumed I would be alone forever.
    But now I’m wondering. And i feel afraid.
    What if something worse comes along? The idea of spending all my holidays and landmark stuff alone is scary.
    But the idea of being with someone again is scary too.
    So I’m just hibernating for now.
    In the new year i will try the plenty of fish site and see if I do better



  11.  #11Tina on December 14, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Daria, lol at your swearing finger.



  12.  #12Tina on December 14, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    I replied to 5 emails today on my dating site. This one guy is a coach maybe we’ll hit it off who knows? A thirty year old wants to “hang out” cool, I want to hang out to. I bought a new corderouy mini skirt I feel like wearing out somewhere with nice warm cozy tights.



  13.  #13Tina on December 14, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    I want to spend Christmas alone this year, I really do. 30 yr old wants to sit around his tree and listen to Christmas jams and maybe sing along and maybe “hookup” lol thats what he said “maybe hookup” hahaha.



  14.  #14Mary on December 14, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    hey Nikita!

    yes, that was amazing, talking to all those people. i interviewed people who did a variety of things, from breeding horses to movie script writers, pilots, real estate investors, dance musicians, lots of people from all over, some of them big names. we developed a website of mentors who wanted to share their knowledge with others – maybe people could bystep the whole education process and do more of an apprentice thing – but there was so much text, and there were so few pictures that it didn’t fly. it was in the early days of the internet, just before the big dot com bust. i kept telling my partners that we needed some little movie vignettes, and i still think that would have worked. people will watch movies when they won’t read online. i did all the interviews, then wrote them all out. it was so interesting!



  15.  #15Mary on December 14, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    this post reminded me of their entrepreneurial spirit, which we all can have!



  16.  #16Tina on December 14, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    I really look forward to my notes from The Universe 🙂



  17.  #17alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    jennifer i found the whole circular dating idea absolutely repelling and mortifying at first. so i started dating myself. it was a good safe start that gave me a good foundation and got some of my needs met and gave me a ‘new normal’ that felt better.



  18.  #18Lisa on December 14, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Cesar Milan had a great comment on a recent “Dog Whisperer” program when he brought his very clam dog, Daddy, to re-train a hyper bitch, Zena. he said,

    “Daddy doesn’t ask me, ‘Why have you put me with this crazy female?’ He is just in the moment, and he is happy.”

    Cesar is all about energy — losing nervous, hyper, anxious energy, and projecting calm confidence. There are such lessons from the animal behaviorists! I think that’s what Rori’s after.



  19.  #19Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:00 am

    I think I got it! The calm energy feeling!



  20.  #20Nikita on December 15, 2009 at 12:59 am

    I feel sleepy….



  21.  #21Aldonza on December 15, 2009 at 8:05 am

    I like this one. It is very forgiving of where we are now and removes the pressure of “destiny” and the frustration of waiting for it.



  22.  #22Tina on December 15, 2009 at 9:49 am

    I’m a money magnet! I attract money effortlessly and easily 🙂

    I was on a downward feeling spiral, I could feel it in my thoughts, my body. I want to make lots of money, I dont want to live on his money, well he can give me some, I wont mind, that feels ok. The exchange is far to great for me to give up my freedom to do what ever the fuck I please, anytime anywhere. I want some of your money, not all, just some. My challenge to myself is to become independantly wealthy, for me , my children, my family.

    If I kick back and do nothing with my life,besides lay around, look like a pretty hot wife, that is not good enough for me. Be a man and let me do my fuckin thing! Are you feelin me player! I am not living your DREAM, I am on my bridge and your stepping on it.

    Im in my pit and doing my best to get the fck out of it, I take a step and your dream is pushing me back down, I just got my toe in a nice little groove so I can pull myself out, your beginning to piss me off. I’m the cats’ meow, Im the bomb, fuck you, dont fck BRB me when your talking about physical affection/sex then get on the phone and talk to someone else. I DONT CARE! Just because we dated a few times dont mean you own me, let me remind you who is in charge of my DESTINY uhhhh me yeah thats right me.



  23.  #23Tina on December 15, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I do enjoy looking and feeling like a barbie doll 🙂 just a word of caution though, there is a Crazy Bitch and she is her bestfriend 🙂



  24.  #24Tina on December 15, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Does it feel a little dark and cold where you are right now? good , enjoy it. Crazy Bitch doesnt like it when you steal my shit. She could feel you working me over, like the nice person that I am. oh take my glow have it all, bask in it, its yours, you didnt earn it but yyeah just suck me dry. She’s such a good friend, thank you Crazy for coming to my rescue, for opening my eyes. She took care of that shit for me. ITS MY FUCKEN CAKE I CAN EAT IT IF I WANT TOO. LIKE SOMEHOW I CANT EAT MY FCKEN CAKE, WHAAAAAAAAAAAA YA CRAZY OR WHAT? I THINK YOU MEAN MY PIE 🙂 MY CREAM PIE 🙂



  25.  #25Tina on December 15, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Lets back up here, you pursued me, still are. Now your complaining then tellling me BRB and then “you want your cake and eat it too” oh you’ll figure it out on your own, when you see my face, im invested ok. I get a little cranky when your stepping on my bridge and complaining about it.



  26.  #26Tina on December 15, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Those eggshells your walking on is not eggshells, it’s MY BRIDGE. If you bothered to look down, you would have know this, but like a dumbass, you tried to trick me into thinking/feeling that it was eggshells, oh what a trickster you are. Maybe if you tried walking on some glass and my bridge you will feel the difference, god I’m even throwing you a bone.



  27.  #27DocK on December 15, 2009 at 10:43 am

    OK, so first, got a Christmas card at work. Not sure who sent it – signature looks like “Bill” who is an ex BF (broke up in 1986 for crying out loud) that recently sent me holiday message via linked in invite (I had just been thinking that maybe he had finally disappeared for good) so I am not sure…

    Next, I think that thoughts and beliefs have so much to do with our life experiences. My dad would always say how our family just wasn’t lucky. In the past year I won a raffle for website development enabling the completion of it. I won another raffle that gave me a $1,300 jar of La Mer creme, a gift basket full of stuff, a $200 gift certificate (I paid $50 more and got an amazing fringey holiday top) a box of 10 bottles of Philosophy bubble bath. I cleaned up!

    I left my former job for the one I have now that is considered “interim” and people questioned that but a recent election had unexpected results and many of my former co-workers will be out of a job (I would have been as well) and my current job doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.

    In any event, even if it does, every time I have changed jobs I have made more money so I feel confident in my ability to maintain and expand my prosperity.

    My dad would also claim that some sport team would start to lose when he started watching it (lots of people seem to think they personally have some influence on team’s winning or losing) and I said to him, “wow, you ARE powerful then” and he got this funny look on his face.

    Some time ago I made a list of decisions I had made that seemed, at the time, to be the “wrong” decision or with an outcome I hadn’t hoped for. I took each and every one and found that if I had not made that decision – my life might have turned out differently and that there were other positive outcomes related to them.

    As we look at the whole Tiger mess and the constant news of that – this is my view regarding “destiny”

    He made choices that were out of integrity (I say this because it appears his wife did not agree to this arrangement so lies, deceit and hiding things were involved). These choices had consequences. These consequences are painful, to himself, and to many who love him. Now he has the opportunity to make new choices from a place of integrity – or not – he gets to choose. Healing can take place – or not.

    What I feel is also out of integrity is this constant focus on every detail of this situation. You see, while I may have an opinion about this behavior, Tiger and I have this little agreement – I don’t tell him how to live his life and he doesn’t tell me how to live mine.

    Our media has chosen to focus on a string of infidelities of celebrities and politicians. I choose to believe that there are many, many couples out there that have amazing, loving, playful, healthy, supportive, and integrous relationships (which doesn’t mean they are perfect every single moment) and that is what I where I want to place my focus because that is what I want to attract.



  28.  #28Tina on December 15, 2009 at 11:13 am

    It’s unfortunate for Tiger that is looked at now as just another “cheating bastard” buying products with “cheating bastard” hanging over his head is not good for business , Im sure. lol I never really thought about Tiger Woods situation at all. I have my own problems to solve. How do you come out of that situation? wait till the next “cheating bastard” comes along thats what you do. I;’m personally not affected by Tiger Woods cheating on his wife. I’ve never bought a Tiger Woods product, so really I dont care whether he cheats or not. He cheated like a lot, because he can? I doubt that he is remorseful, really I do. I feel opinionated 🙂



  29.  #29Tina on December 15, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Holly Sampson’s porn star career should sky rocket, she may be able to retire. I dunno…



  30.  #30Tina on December 15, 2009 at 11:28 am

    Or well maybe not they do have to be discreet about their clients, hm.



  31.  #31Tina on December 15, 2009 at 11:52 am

    So far what I”v e learned is that he is “well endowed” a pro golfer and he cheated on his wife – alot. He sleeps with porn stars Wow class act? not.



  32.  #32Tina on December 15, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    He has a loooooooooooong history of cheating. I feel more curious about what Elin is going to do. He did report to the media that it was all “malicious” lies and rumors about his infidility. Like how far can he go with this? I have to laugh when I read Elin had “gone ghetto” on his ass lol. You go girl!



  33.  #33V on December 15, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Dear Rori,
    WOW! Your email today hit a nerve. My birthday was the 2nd and he never acknowledged it. We’d talked weeks ago about my diagnosis of cancer free for the first time in the 15 yrs. we’ve dated and how very important this birthday, my 49th is to me. He called the day after and wanted to go do something. He never mentioned my birthday the day before. He asked if it would hurt my feelings if he couldn’t stay over and I said not nearly as much as it hurt me the day before that he forgot my birthday. It was a very sobering moment and uncomfortable for both of us. For as much as I wanted to relieve his discomfort by talking or saying it was alright, I didn’t. He’s called since, but I’ve not answered any of his calls. I’d love to enjoy the programs you mentioned in your email to bring him to a commitment, which is what I want for both of us. But, being sick was very costly, I’m permenently disabled from the disease, financially devastated actually and live on SSI and Medicaid for insurance. As much as I need this program, the money for it just isn’t there. On a lighter side, any tips, advice, etc. you can give me I would truly take to heart and apply. Rory, is it wront to want the happy ever after you were able to get, even at 49 years old? It’s the one thing missing in my life and that I feel would celebrate my survival and my life. Christmas Blessings and Love for all you do for others! V



  34.  #34Simply Shannon on December 15, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Commenting here really quick with something I just read off of Jonas Peterson’s blog (he’s a wedding photographer that I follow – wedding blogs are my “happy place”.)
    ————–
    Call me a softy, but I’m a very passionate guy. Pathetic even. I think we’re too afraid of being vulnerable these days. Of letting go. Showing what we feel. Well, pathetic actually means “capable of feeling” and how that became something laughable is beyond me.

    Let’s be pathetic this year.

    Together.

    Ok?
    ——————–

    Are you willing to be pathetic/capable of feeling? I felt intrigued when I read this because this is a guy saying he wants to show what he feels. I thought YES, they really do exist. 🙂



  35.  #35DocK on December 15, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    SS “YES, they really do exist.” That is exactly what I said on FB commenting as I did above about “real” healthy relationships (kind of jokingly linking it to the commercial with Santa and the M&Ms) – but – they DO!



  36.  #36tinque on December 15, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Yes they really, really do exist, but their expression of feeling rarely looks like ours. Sometimes, but not often. It’s learning to see that in the one you’re with, and the style may well differ in different men.

    I’m back online and all moved into my gorgeous, peaceful lake side home. The wood stove is burning all day long. I sit here and look at the water, as the sun goes down (westward facing, so yummy) and the cute little ducks swim leaving a tiny wake behind.
    I wish all could come and be quiet and calm with me, sitting by the fire, sipping hot tea or cider or the champagne our neighbor gave us…oops sorry, I already drank it. How about wine?
    xxoo



  37.  #37DocK on December 15, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    OMG – the place is AMAZING!! and that sounds like heaven – truly! So happy for you : )



  38.  #38Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Tinque it does sound relaxing. mmm. I would want to get away somewhere like that to rest.

    But what i desire is people and celebration

    party party party lets all get wasted

    in a healthy way



  39.  #39tinque on December 15, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Party on…
    What’s even more amazing is I’m in the woods by a lake yet the center of town is three minutes away. Love it, just love it.
    Rest and partying don’t have to be mutually exclusive, do they?
    xxoo



  40.  #40Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    well yes i guess to me they do. I cant sleep standing up on the dance floor. but… I do need both, and having both of them available wonderfully and convenient sounds great.



  41.  #41alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    ooooh tinque mmm that feels so lovely. can we “put the kettle on??!!”

    wow. you totally scored! i feel so good still. yae. siren get-together at tinque’s!

    tinque you will love this… i had the most awesome sex with myself last night.

    i had read about daria brushing her skin but i don’t have a brush so i just started rubbing and lightly scratching my body, starting from my feet up. and i got turned on! hahaha so i continued on. 🙂



  42.  #42MaryB on December 15, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Hi Rori: I have read your books, listen to your tapes and here is my story. 7 weeks ago i met this wonderful guy.
    We would talk for hours on the phone. Told me he did not want a committed relationship right now, he was not ready for that.

    Week one: we went on our first date and hit it off. He asked me out for the following night to go see a hockey game and we had a great time.

    Week 2: we went out dancing, and had a wonderful time. Before that night ended he asked me out for the following weekend. Told me he has not dated anyone since me. And that he was thinking of cancelling his online dating service.

    Week 3: we went out dancing a little and then back to his place. Asked me to stay over; we played a bit but told him I do not go further with any man until I know I am in an exclusive relationship. Told me he did not want a committed relationship and if I was holding out for that then there is a slight possibility that we may never have sex. I said “oh well” then he Told me again he has not dated anyone but me. I said “thats great but that does not mean if a woman approached you tomorrow to have sex you would right?:” he said “yes maybe” So I said “well that does not sit right for me and for that I cannot have sex all the way unless I have exclusiveness..this is for me and i dont’ want to put myself in a situation where I do go all the way and then get jealous when you are with someone else”.

    Week 4: He asked me out and we went to a place for drinks and appetizers, then to the movies and then to dinner. Mentioned again he has not date anyone

    Week 5: He was to come by and help me put my new kitchen chairs together. But he called and said he hurt his back and asked me up there. I went. He could not even walk.. I made dinner for him. Spent the night, played a little..went half way (touching, kissing etc..) but not all the way.

    Week 6 during week he mentioned he didn’t want to do anything on weekend cause his back was still hurting and wanted to just relax and do his laundry. I said sure no problem, hope you feel better. Saturday he contacted me in the afternoon asked if I wanted to come up, that he had his fireplace going and wine. I went..it was nice. When I got there he said he didn’t want to see me that weekend cause he likes his alone time. I said “nothing wrong with that, we all do.” I also said “I didn’t give you a problem with that did i? He said “ actually no you didn’t’”… He told me again about cancelling his online service. We played-, then he tried going “all the way” and I pushed him saying “don’t even think about it” he laughed and said “cant blame a guy for trying. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to see a friend of mine play in a band. He told me previously he wanted to. He said “I don’t know I will let you know Wed or Thurs.” well I heard nothing.

    Week 7 no call, or text from him. Only one joke he texted me. Haven’t heard anything from him. But I noticed he did remove his profiles from the online services. I then got a call from him and he told me he could not see me anymore. His reason was that because I have my standards and principles of not having sex with him if he is having sex with other, that he didnt want me to compromise my principles. He said he met someone a few days ago and they already had sex so because of my principles and my boundaries he didnt think it was fair to me to put me in that position. He said the relationship with the other woman is non committal but he didnt want to have sex with her and feel guilty about me because of where i stood. He said he respected that. I told him that’s fine and thanked him for having the respect in being upfront with me. I thanked him for the great times we had. He emailed me saying “you are a first class lady. Thank you, i did have lots of fun with you and I will keep in touch with you”

    Well i continue to date, flirt and have fun…but i really did like him alot…just curious… u think there maybe a chance in time he would want to see me again? All the women who just jump in his bed and go all the way, i am the one who wont. It hurts I really did enjoy him but at least I didnt compromise my boundaries. I just wonder if this means its totally over?

    Mary



  43.  #43Linda on December 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Destiny… has often seemed like a place I would find and it would be peaceful and once I arrived all would be right with the world. My life at almost 51 years now seems as if I have not found it. So I am reevaluating my beliefs about destiny.

    Destiny is a feeling I think, It feels significant when you encounter it or someone in it. Sometimes we feel robbed of it because of someone elses carelessness or selfishness and then we are filled with what if and if onlys… the (do over syndrome). I just wonder… have my ideals about destiny been wrong? I am just not sure anymore.

    I met one man this year that when we first met face to face and he reached out and held my hand, I felt I had encountered a part of my destiny. This man has turned out to be so toxic and hurtful. He is the one that scritinized me and has been so disrespectful and finally hurtful… with his words of judgement etc. I wonder how could I have ever felt that when our hands met for the first time. OM Gosh… it turned out so differently than what I felt. Destiny? is a peaceful happy place of arrival or are there those included in our destinys that cause us much pain, and present us opportunities to dig deep and grow and become a stronger better more beautiful version of ourselves.

    The man I felt I connected with, (destiny wise),
    that has hurt me and rejected me time and time again… his last email felt like he spit in my face with his words… today he text me with a simple “whatcha doin”?…. how does that compute. What is is interest in anything about me? How does this fit into my destiny?

    Perhaps pain is a part of our destinys and it is not what I though of it a first. I feel comptemplative and inquisitive and questioning and …. unsure.

    One thing for sure, I feel happy and peaceful and untempted or moved to answer him. He is pitiful and narrow minded and uninteresting to me. Once in a while I fine my self daydreaming that he would change and finally see me,,, recognize me for who I am and what we could have experienced together. It happens, hey, look at the stories here. (Mary and her yummy guy and more)….

    The jury is out for me right now. I have said it before and believe with all my heart that we can not know what is happening in the lives and hearts of others. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. Destiny? my view of it is changing.

    Linda



  44.  #44Tina on December 15, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    I just looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, I asked myself “how do you feel?” I then realized that my left eye does this slight twitch thing when I speak lol. Funny, I never noticed this before. I then started to laugh at myself and made my left eye purposefully twitch, I kept talking to myself and laughed out loud and smiling to myself.



  45.  #45Mary on December 15, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    hi mary!

    it’s the other mary!

    i feel so happy that you kept your standards with this guy, whether he comes back to you or not.



  46.  #46Mary on December 15, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    hi linda. thanks again for your comments early this morning. i’m sad for you about this guy who’s said so many hurtful things. my wish for you is a man who will treat you well, that you feel attracted to and that you can have fun with!



  47.  #47Jennifer on December 15, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Dear Universe
    Thanks for the notes. They help.
    I am working very hard on feeling calm and loving and happy. I know this is how to get more of those things.
    I am dreaming of a man in my life who is strong and open and protective and loving. I am dreaming of a man who has a sense of humour and adventure and feels like I am the center of the well…us…the universe.
    I am dreaming of a man who can’t wait to marry me and makes me feel like a goddess.
    I can’t wait to meet him. I feel excited.
    Thanks



  48.  #48Simply Shannon on December 15, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Daria: Totally off topic but since you seem to be into natural healing, I’m hopeful you can help me. I have got the worst sinus infection. My cheek/jaw is hurting. I’ve been using a Neti Pot and that seems to be helping but I’m still hurting. I may cave and go to the doctor tomorrow and get an antibiotic. Any suggestions of what might help?

    And if anyone else has a suggestion, I would greatly appreciate it. Have I mentioned I hate feeling sick!?! It’s rare for me (knock on wood) but I am the worst sick person. Blech. Off to bed and hopefully get some sleep tonight. Shannon



  49.  #49Linda on December 15, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Mary. thank you for your wishes. I wish the same for me too. yummm.

    I did not answer the text today. I used to feel bad about not answering texts. Now I dont. There is simply no need to respond to a crumb. It feels bad just like all the other times….It has only profitted me more rejection even though he always contacts me. Wonder why a man wont leave you alone when he has repeatidly told you that he wants it “all” and that you are not it. So, I will remain silent that feels best for me.

    I mean… there are men I have met that I was not interested in and I told them so and left them alone. What is behind this? IT just does not make a bit of sense to me. What a toxic man he is.

    what is my destiny? …. tonite it is sitting in my tidy warm house all trimmed with my christmas lights under a blanket petting my faithful loving dog. He is the BEST.

    Tomorrow?…. tomorrow is full of possibility. and surprise….

    I know that the things that are really important to me are held safe. It seems that things that are important to me are not mine to have at times… then something wonderful will happen. Like a large sum of money showing up just when I need it… or the return of a special bracelet that I lost raking leaves…. OH this is good!…. I lost a gold bracelet about 3 weeks ago when I was bagging leaves. I felt sad but was not going to go thru all 14 bags of leaves…. yesterday when I was hanging christmas lights my neighbor lady came over and asked me… if this was my bracelet.!!!! I was so excited. She said she found it in the crack of her driveway. Something I thought that was forever lost and very important to me was just handed to me again. so… I have this knowing that someone is looking after the really important things and keeping tabs on it all. That makes me feel really happy….. Next will be the man that is JUST RIGht for me…..

    Smiles and hugs….. Linda nite



  50.  #50tinque on December 15, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    Daria – Yeah I guess you have a point. Way uncomfortable, dance floor sleeping.

    Alias Girl – Oh awesome. I like it…you’re giving me ideas.
    xxoo



  51.  #51Tina on December 15, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Simply Shannon, Vitamin D3 I dont know if that will help but I would get an antibiotic lol. I rarely get sick myself but I would straight to the doctor and get some 🙂 Vitamin D3 is more of a preventative. I”m not a medical doctor but I would recommend it, 5000 iu’s a day. Google it.



  52.  #52Rachel on December 15, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Linda,

    Thank you for sharing … I love that you see your destiny as being right where you are tonight. That helps me. There is so much that I would like to have different… and yet so much that is very good about my life.

    You sound strong and at peace even though things aren’t perfect. That inspires me.

    Blessings on you, your house, your Christmas lights and your dog!

    Good night!



  53.  #53alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    simply shannon i hope you feel better! (and thank you so much for your kind, lovely, supportive words before)

    my vote is for acupuncture. acupuncture may even prevent you from getting them again.



  54.  #54alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    simply shannon i hope you feel better! (and thank you so much for your kind, lovely, supportive words before)

    my vote is for acupuncture. acupuncture may even prevent you from getting them again.



  55.  #55alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    whoa that was weird. ghost in the machine.



  56.  #56laughing goddess on December 15, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Hi everyone! I feel peaceful and happy reading all of your comments. Siren island feels really really good to me.



  57.  #57Daria on December 15, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Hey shannon. Sinus can be tricky. I dont have an offhand thing to think of… neti pot sounds good…

    i would probably cover my face with a towel and lean over a bowl and breathe chamomile tea

    if it’s hurting your probably inflamed…

    I ditto Acupuncture as AG said. acupuncture has helped me with many things and sinus infection is one of those things that could be there all along and just get exacerbated

    i had something liek that and acupunctue made it better

    also when i ate the raw garlic the other day my nose started running on one side, the one with the sinus thing

    mmm

    if youre hurting youre inflamed … i can look some herbs up for you to make tea out of but that may take awhile

    I say go to acupuncture asap. Try to find a good one… i imagine it can alleviate after one session.. .tho more sessions might be needed to heal to the root cause of it



  58.  #58Daria on December 15, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Here’s one that says to keep taking apple cider vinegar. I eat apple cider vinegar all day anyway, its good for a whoel bunch of stuff

    http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/sinus_infection.html



  59.  #59Daria on December 15, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    Hey… I was just at my Toastmasters Holiday party, and these people in their 50’s I think just got engaged. sooo cute. she said they never have makeup sex because they never fight lol

    also when she leaned forward, he masculinely but not aggressively stood his ground

    ie… Her: just curious… why are you standing?

    Him: cuz im not sitting

    lol



  60.  #60Daria on December 15, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    She was really happy to show off her ring



  61.  #61Nikita on December 15, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Simply Shannon,

    apple cider vinegar, I tbs.warm water sip on it -brush teeth after…the vinegar can eat your teeth….

    apple cider vinegar bath with kosher salt…draws out imurities….stay in no longer than twenty minutes…

    for infections I use tea tree oil (thursday plantation brand)…a few drops in wet palms -bring to the nose and inhale…(inhalations)….I use this for any respiratory infection I may have……it’s like a vaporizor for those pesky hard to reach locations….

    feel better



  62.  #62Daria on December 16, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Shannon eucalyptus oil also opens up breathing really well…



  63.  #63Daria on December 16, 2009 at 1:03 am

    I feel glad nikita seconds ACV yay



  64.  #64Linda on December 16, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Rachel, you are most welcome. I am experiencing a huge shift inside. I think I was holding myself captive to “my someday” happiness and missing my “today” happiness.

    I feel open to life and possibilty. I used to feel all used up and hopeless, always focused on what wasnt instead of what was.

    When I look at what is, it outweighs what isnt. The little things that are really important are there. I have had a tough year in the romance department, but I wonder have I?…. I certainly have learned first hand what I dont want and have learned to stear clear of situations that dont feel good and speak up for myself now.

    WHen I look back, the things that really mattered are held safe for me. There is a christian hymn… my favorite that says ” His eye is on the sparrow”…. The words inspire me to relax and know that I am watched over and protected. I just need to be careful what I invite into my life. Using my intutions and paying attention to how I feel will clearly lead me.

    I have a warm home, a wonderful job, some new friends, my car battery died but when I was isafe n my garage and not at the gas station like it could have been. Money showed up just when I did not know how I could pay for a broken water heater, my bracelet just landed back in my hand…. these are all things that have been beyond me but nonetheless held safe and reserved just for me. So…. why not the man who’s heart is knit together and prepared to love such a woman as I. YES… that is there for me too.

    I am encouraged and loved. Life is what I make it, opportunity before me moment by moment. YES there is more and it is good.

    Have a great day ladies…. Linda



  65.  #65Rachel on December 16, 2009 at 6:43 am

    Wow Linda,

    It sure sounds like we are on the same journey! I am so happy and grateful that I’ve found this blog and all of you amazing women. I love to hear the successes and even the struggles because I realize that I am not alone!

    I too am holding strongly the vision of the kind of relationship I desire and believe that I am created for. This past year has taught me so much… mostly about what i don’t want. Very painful lessons. But necessary.

    Most of all I am learning to love and nurture myself. This is really hard for me. I find myself not eating, not reading, not taking walks, not enjoying my children … not living.

    But I’m slowly healing. And believing that each baby step I take is one step closer to being ready to receive the love that I will one day enjoy!

    Have a beautiful day – all of you!



  66.  #66Flipper on December 16, 2009 at 6:49 am

    Beautiful, Linda – I feel grateful reading yours as the last post I see this time.

    Tina: “I get a little cranky when your stepping on my bridge and complaining about it.” Love it;

    I’m off to a little housefhold ‘doing’ for a change (I have dating myself nailed – need a dose of ‘more work, less play’ to make it feel special again .)

    Lovely clear blue skies with lotsa little birds fluttering and crisscrossing the garden, as if their destiny were to continue as in summer. Do they sense that snow is arriving tonight? We’re not equipped here, so there is going to be chaos as much for people as for the birdies. But for me at least, it will ‘be’ fun in the beginning.



  67.  #67Mary on December 16, 2009 at 8:15 am

    i’m starting on my journey in a few minutes! scared because there are mountain passes and some ice. i’m going up island to study.

    my new guy “broke up” with me last night. he said he deserves a woman who wants to date just him.

    i’m wondering about circular dating. it’s so counter culture.

    yesterday my hair was dirty and i needed to go to the bank. i debated for a long time about taking a shower, but ultimately decided to just slip in and slip out. i was hoping i wouldn’t see anyone I knew. i wore some black yoga pants and a black fleece, very nondiscript. when i got there, there was a line, and the guy behind me took an interest in me. oh NO. i DIDN’T want to talk to him, so i said, “excuse me, i need to get something from my car.” and left. I went to my car, turned around and went back through the front door of the bank, and saw something on the ground. it was a ring. i took it in and gave it to the bank manager. she made a BIG, BIG DEAL out of it, telling everyone how honest i was, causing so much attention, and the guy came right over to check out “the ring.” Asked me to coffee. i told him no, but thank you!

    I should have taken a shower first.

    oh! and the bank manager just called and told me that the lady who owned the ring gave me a $20 reward! she just put it into my bank account.

    tina – maybe i’m a money magnet too! =)



  68.  #68DocK on December 16, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Had to share this with the Sirens – this guy tells me (us) this story last night and I felt like Rori always says – that he HAS to be making this up!

    I am at a restaurant/bar I used to go to a lot and now once in awhile. I know the bartender. I am sitting at the bar having a glass of champagne, another guy is at the other end. The bartender starts to tell his dating story so the other guy comes over to sit near me so we both can hear.

    The bartender, “J” had a date on a Friday with a woman he met at this restaurant (customer). He said it seemed to go fairly well. She also informed him on this first date that she WILL NOT have sex with a man until she has been dating him for at least a month. He says fine.

    They go out again soon after. He said that from the beginning of him picking her up at the door she is “different” – not talkative, subdued, anxious. They go to a restaurant and are supposed to go to a movie after. He says she is still quiet and keeps checking her phone. He asks “whats up” with that and she says she thinks they are going to be late (they have an hour and a half still until the movie). She picks at the food. Finally, he said he asked her if she was on some medication – she seemed so different. She tells him that she “really really likes him” (OK – nice to be vulnerable – but they have had ONE date before) and she is nervous. He said she also made some comments about how he must get lots of phone numbers all the time.

    They decide to skip the movie and go somewhere else for a drink. After a bit, he says he’ll take her home (she had told him she couldn’t stay out late that she had to get up early). SHE suggests they go to his place. He reminds her of her early day and she says it’s OK.

    They go to his place and he says something funny happened. She had a pair of underwear stuck in her jean leg (from laundering) and he teases her how she got her underwear there and so she says she IS wearing underwear – and takes off her pants.

    Now HE is reminding HER of her 1 month rule and she says it’s OK and she has a condom. He says he goes to the frig to get them some water thinking she’ll think this over and when he comes back she is completely naked.

    He says he said no about 3 times considering her “rule” but she is pushing (and naked) so he has sex with her. He said he could also swear she said “I love you” to him and he said “lets not be throwing around the love word.”

    Now he is asking me and this other guy sitting by me (“B”) what he should do? He thinks that he “has” to go out with her at least one more time – out of courtesy.

    Of course, this guy and I are shaking our heads and the guys are talking about how she left no space for anyone to pursue her and how she said one thing and broke her own rule. They seemed to feel kind of sorry for her. I said I did to but that her behavior felt scary and unstable to me.

    We all chatted a bit more about relationships and other stuff. When “B” got up to leave – said he had to go somewhere – he told “J” to “put “DocK’s” two glasses of champagne on my tab” and off he went (he was married – NOT going down that path – but pleased at the gesture).

    comments?



  69.  #69tinque on December 16, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Miss DocK – Sounds like a friendly gesture to me, the free champagne, not the “free” sex.
    I would tell “J” to stay away. You are absolutely right. She seems unstable to me too, like possible stalker, cry rape, scary unstable.
    xxoo



  70.  #70Simply Shannon on December 16, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Mary: Any guy who really wants to be with us wouldn’t care if we’re dating others. He’d be doing everything to push the other guys out or put a ring on our finger. When a man goes on a job interview, he knows there are hundreds of other people going for that job. He still goes after it, right? Why should our love life be any different?

    Dock: Shivers. A good lesson there. I’ve been that girl (sort of) in that I’ve slept with men way earlier than I should have because I was afraid of losing them. So ridiculous (and desparate) now that I look back on it. And to hear that it freaked the guy out is very interesting to me. He didn’t even mention if the sex was good just how it weirded him out. Yep… good lesson.

    Thanks to all who offered advice about my sinus infection! I’m actually feeling a lot better today. Not as much pressure. I’m going to try the apple cider vinegar thing. (I’ve got some at my house.) I really appreciate the advice!



  71.  #71Simply Shannon on December 16, 2009 at 9:21 am

    I also wanted to mention a cool thing that happened today. I’ve been seeing this guy (our 3rd date is this Friday). He’s the fantastic kisser I mentioned on another post. He’s a teacher, super cute, and a lot of fun to be around. He texted me the other day about how he thinks about me a lot and how it’s driving him crazy. I texted back that I would feel happy to be his copilot to crazy town. So we’ve been joking back and forth about the adventures we’ll go on our trip to Crazy Town. Well… today I got a card in the mail from him. It’s a “thinking of you” card and he had written all of these places he wants us to go. I feel so amazed and flattered. I really felt surprised to have him take the time to do that for me. Soooo cool! It feels funny to me how something so little can mean so much. And for it to arrive out of the blue after only two dates. I feel all girly and love being pursued. Mr. Fab Kisser sealed his place in the rotation. 🙂 Wow!!



  72.  #72Lola on December 16, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Simply Shannon

    Try the homeopathic remedy Hepar Sulph (6c 3 x daily or 30c twice daily)
    With any infection use vitamin c high dose and frequent with zinc along side.
    You can do these things even if you have a prescription for antibiotics!
    Good luck hope you are feeling better!
    Good luck



  73.  #73Lola on December 16, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Daria

    Thanks for reminding me of the wonders of skin brushing and link to that site!
    I’ve felt great today, all zingy and alert, after doing it last night and this morning.
    X



  74.  #74DocK on December 16, 2009 at 9:33 am

    SS – actually he DID mention about the sex (I had left that out – I really feel concern for this young woman) – he said it was “terrible.”



  75.  #75DocK on December 16, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Also SS – yayyyy for Fab Kisser – so far he feels good from where I am – keep us posted!



  76.  #76DocK on December 16, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Tinque – you are right – that is what I said to him. Very weird. Question is – what does a guy say to her now?



  77.  #77Tracy on December 16, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Dock,
    I feel triggered by your story….I feel glad i got out of feeling the need to sleep with a man for him to want me…thanks for sharing…



  78.  #78Tracy on December 16, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Wow i am excited about all this men showing up in my circle.It feels good to get calls and messages and i am arranging to meet some of them for dates.Thank you universe…I feel progress in my dating life and how i am expressing myself.
    i feel triggered by this one guy who wants me to finance his activities….wow i felt so angry by his request considering he’s not willing to spend anything on me…I feel angry for allowing this to happen in the past…not again.
    I feel i am a rockstar and i will not finance other people’s activities…besides i have so many other guyz wanting to take me out….no time!amen to circular dating



  79.  #79DocK on December 16, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Tracy – I know – I felt very uncomfortable as well hearing it. I also don’t understand why she made a point of seemingly setting a boundary and then immediately breaking it. Did she think he would think that he was so spectacular that she made an exception and it would endear her to him? I don’t know.

    When I was much younger – I did what I wanted in terms of sex – but I wasn’t offering it to get a man to want me – sometimes that was all I was interested in. No matter what some people say, each person is unique and not all women feel immediately “connected” to a man because of sex. I am in a different place now, but that doesn’t mean I have regrets.

    Also, in terms of this woman, the other guy “B” mentioned that he was willing to bet that this woman was having the same conversation with someone else but telling her friend how well everything went.

    I wonder…



  80.  #80Tina on December 16, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Mary, I’m feel like I’m missing an ingredient with my desire for financial success. I’m somewhere between basic survival and my millions 🙂 I have men wanting to “take care” of me and it’s pissing me off. I love the idea for sitting around eating bon bons, but it doesnt fit with what I know I can achieve. Twenty bucks is twenty bucks though 🙂

    I feel frustrated that I lose my focus, I feel frustrated that my dates want to help me achieve my goals lol. I dont like feeling obligated to truckman, we were only dating and he was beginning to think we were a “couple” luckily for me I dont have to pay rent/mortage/bills except my phone so I’m not complaining. Money flowing in, money flowing out , its easy thats what I want simple. I wonder who I’ll attract when I go out to pick up a check in my red polka dotted fannel pj.

    I feel like a cheap skate because I wont pay for cable or refuse to have bills/loans, or make car payments lol. I did that with my ex husband and again lucky for me that will be cleared up. I really want to blame him for all of it but I cant, he throws my son ten bucks for a cab home , cheap bastard! My anger helps me, I find my anger and it really helps me to re focus/regroup. breathe.



  81.  #81Tina on December 16, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Dock lol funny, I would feel extremely embarressed if my panties where stuck in my jeans nevermind sex. Poor girl 🙁 I feel bad for her.



  82.  #82DocK on December 16, 2009 at 11:54 am

    Yes – I had it happen to me – walking down the street in Las Vegas with my male cousin – I suddenly felt something traveling down my leg and reached down and lo and behold – a spare pair of underwear trapped inside the pants leg. Of course, clean from laundering but still…

    Who knew this happened so often?



  83.  #83Linda on December 16, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! DOCK…. I am laughing at what you wrote. I could so see this happening. I have not had a good laugh in a while. I hav got tears running here. …..

    I needed the laugh. I have been in a really bad mood today. Everytime Mr Scrutiny contacts me, whether I respond or not, I get mad at the world so to speak. It is getting better but my Anger is mine. He is such a JERK. I wish I did not care. someday I wont. I guess in the back of my mind I think that if I dont respond even if it is later that I will have missed some sort of opportunity. Sigh… you know I have done that before and it has always been the same old thing. rejection even though he always contacts me first. This time… if he wants my attention really . he is going to have to really do something to get it. Is is possible yes. probable NO.

    OH I made a christmas wish. I want a wonderful man under my mistletoe. I am thinking it could happen. Who knows who will show up.

    Linda



  84.  #84Daria on December 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Wallow in your desires as if your life depended upon it, because your life does depend on it.

    – Mama Gena



  85.  #85DocK on December 16, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Linda – glad I could help! I laugh to every time I think about it – and if you could see the disgusted look on the face of my cousin – priceless!

    Also – wishing for you a hot hot guy under your mistletoe kissing you like there’s no tomorrow! : )



  86.  #86Amber on December 16, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Hi everyone. I just revived Rori’s ebook and am 1/2 way through already. I’m having trouble putting it down.

    I’m not in a relationship bu I have a date this weekend for the first time in years. I am Have been looking for tools to help me find Thw guy I want to marry and not repeat past mistake so Im excited to have found Rori and this blog.

    Just wanted to introduce myself and say hi. And I love notes from the universe!!! How fitting!

    I am writing this from my phone so please forgive poor typing 🙂



  87.  #87sandra on December 16, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I had to confess, because I did something so stupid…and I really don’t even know why I did it–I had sex and cheated on my boyfriend of a year and a half. I had decided that he was taking too long for a commitment (he was) and I decided once he had ignored me again for an entire day…no calls, no idea where he was, not answering his phone, I got sick of it all. I went downtown ( i read rori’s post about salsa dancing and not being exclusive to anyguy who doesnt commit…) and ended up getting way more loaded than I ever want to be….drinks were cheap, for some reason I was dressed up way more than the other girls, (most wearing jeans and i was in a small strapless fancy dress with diamonds and high high heels) and was getting way too many drinks bought for me….ended up taking home my old roommates cousin–who doesnt even speak English (dear god–i think i am a predator who is extremely hot, an architect, a runner, sexy body, very classy, fantastic dancer) and wound up in his bed, and didnt come home until almost 7…i snuck in and felt like the biggest tramp and soooo regret going out….hungover all day and sick of myself and why i even did it….I love my boyfriend and i am always trying to convince him of how great I am –always a stupid mistake and now I cant even look in the mirror….i dumped my boyfriend today and I am for some reason really angry at him…like he did something wrong to me and mad at myself, and mad at my mother ??? who knows why that is…old issues and NOW what do i do?

    SHould I walk away from him before it comes back to haunt me? these things always seem to do that, and how do i forgive myself….i feel like a selfish nutjob and I think i also am a selfish nutjob….like all the guys that i complain about….can u girls help me??



  88.  #88tinque on December 16, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Maybe I’ll kiss mine double, triple, fourble, fiveble, even tenble for you and everyone else who wishes for a good guy, a great guy just for you, and he’s out there.
    There ARE many, many wonderful men. There really are. The more you work on yourself, the more they will show up, and let the playtimes begin…
    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! to one and all the grand, genuinely gorgeous, gloriously gumptionly, graceful goddesses, prior, present, and proximate
    xxoo



  89.  #89tinque on December 16, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Sandra – We all “make mistakes” though I question if there really are mistakes. We all do things we regret. Will it cost you your BF? Probably, yet it sounds as though you were headed that way anyway, and maybe that’s how things were meant to be.
    Beating yourself up won’t change anything. It will only make you feel worse. I’m sorry you’re hurting, so hurt for awhile. You must sink into the hurt. You must feel all of your feelings. Write them out if that helps you move on to the next feeling. Watch them shift and change, morph into the next feeling. Let them go, float away. And please stop calling yourself bad names.
    xxoo



  90.  #90DocK on December 16, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I’m with Tinque – a friend said to me as well – “you wouldn’t call me names just because I made a mistake – don’t call yourself names.”

    Cheating is often a symptom of frustration with something that isn’t right, not the cause of it. Feelings stuffed down come out in one way or another and “acting out” is what happened.

    Again, like Tinque says, “feel and sink into the hurt” (her book has such a great explanation of this in detail) but also forgive yourself – gee – you are human – like we all are and we all could put a list of together of stuff like this.

    Yes, I too, have been through something like this. It was a wake up call for me. I felt unhappy, disappointed, frustrated (maybe for different reasons) but knew things had to change or it was time to walk. Wish I had Rori’s tools back then, however, to know better how to express my needs.

    It was only one night in a lifetime of choices with consequences – some wondrously happy and some painful. Maybe this will be the impetus that creates change in a way that will create new opportunities for you.

    With a big hug, DocK



  91.  #91Robin on December 16, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Im feeling so overtaken with worry and a little sadness too

    The Circular Dating tool seems to be getting more challenging..when I first started circular dating, the quality of men wasnt so good, and I managed to get the messages quick, and NEXT, on to the better guy right next to him..

    But now, as the quality of men has gotten better, I find myself feeling good in their presence, I feel desire, and it feels good to be treated well in their presence, but the messages seem to be harder to spot…and because Im more attracted, suddenly it feels like the stakes are higher….

    And I feel afraid I’ll push them away…

    The guy who is my favorite has started to back away…and it could have something to do with me or NOTHING to do with me..and nobody’s saying anything…we went out last wed, we had another date scheduled for friday, he cancelled and asked if we could reschedule, but he never made any mention of when we would reschedule once I said that would feel ok. I saw him sunday @ church and he seemed genuinely happy but see me, but did not make a date for this week and I havent heard from him this week…

    And I truly forgot about the rescheduling when I saw him sunday, but it felt weird to not make plans for the week, which is usually what happens…

    And I wouldnt feel half as bad if my family wasnt absolutely thrilled about him, and if he backs off, then theyre gonna ask about it, and I can just feel the nasty voices trying to kill me and tell me that Ive screwed up a good thing…

    I can feel the fear inside me going, what will your family think? and they’ve told me, ‘you’re not being receptive enough to him..he’s gonna think you’re not interested…’
    enough

    And I had some things in mind, but whenever he takes me out, he suggests things, and then just pays, and it was just around this time that I thought it would feel good to do something back (just something small) that he started to see me less…

    And the truth is….I dont know WTF to do to waterwheel back…I wanted to do a picnic, but it got so d#($ cold out, it doesnt seem feasible..

    And I wanted to invite him to a mini concert Im doing this friday, but it doesnt feel like such a good idea anymore, since hes started backing away…it feels like it would be a mistake now….



  92.  #92Jennifer on December 16, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    I am seeing B tomorrow to close the joint account.
    Feels like the last link to him and our life together.
    Feels like crying…stuck in my throat and burning.
    My jaw aches.
    My head hurts.
    I feel afraid and lied to.
    He said he wanted to try but never did and now it looks like he won’t.
    Feels like isolation and emptiness.
    Head down crying.



  93.  #93Mary on December 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Hi Robin,

    I’m glad to hear that your man pool is getting more interesting! And it is scary to know that the one you really like is backing away. That makes me feel a little bit mad, too. And helpless to help. I want him to come back to you and your family.

    In the meantime, I hope you have some other things (and people) that make your heart sing. Good luck with your concert…



  94.  #94Mary on December 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Sandra, what would happen if you told your BF the truth? You were upset, you read some stuff, you drank too much and things happened. You’re really sorry now.

    It would be good practice for a lesser infraction (because you’ll never do that again) down the road… and who knows? There might be forgiveness in store for you! If not from him, then surely from yourself.



  95.  #95Mary on December 16, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Awwww, Jennifer. I want to cry with you! Come on over here to Victoria and we can have some Tim Bits. Except, actually, I drove over the pass today (very scary) and made it to Ucluelet, and the wild west coast ocean is beneath my window. I will become a realtor here in my secluded room by the sea!

    Wish me luck. I won’t be blogging until Christmas. If anyone catches me on here, give me the What For !!! I need to study, study, study, and I took myself away from town, away from parties, away from dating so I can accomplish something! So… no talking to you guys. But thank you for all the conversations.

    AG: I’ll be riffing when I some back!

    SS: thank you for the pep talk about circular dating and losing my new guy. I really liked him, but he he has feminine energy and wanted me to come his way. All the time. He kept saying, “You’re not coming my way! You’re not coming my way.” And yes, I wasn’t going his way.

    Oh well… !sigh!

    Talk to you sirens later…

    Mary



  96.  #96Mary on December 16, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Correction: I’ll be riffing when I COME back… (whatever that is!)



  97.  #97Mary on December 16, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Mmmmm Sandra, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh about the “lesser infraction.” You just sounded so down and like you committed the worst upon worst, so I was going with it, as if you did. Maybe your BF has done something like that, too, and maybe he would understand…



  98.  #98Rori Raye on December 16, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Amber – Welcome! And so look forward to hearing your voice here. Love, Rori



  99.  #99Robin on December 16, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    Mary, thank you so much!

    It feels good to hear that…I can feel myself retreating and not wanting to talk about it, and know I need to feel what Im feeling and sink a little deeper…

    And my mom told me, just invite him, send him a text say ‘if you’re free,Im singing Friday night..”

    But that really feels like leaning forward to me, way more than I feel comfortable with, and yet I DONT want him to get the impression that Im not interested..

    So Im really having a hard time striking a balance between the two extremes..

    HELP!!!

    Actually, how DO we actually EVER invite a guy somewhere, lets say a party, or a dinner of some sort where a ‘date’ is appropriate? Is there ANY way to do this without actually leaning forward?

    I just dont get it…he usually asks me out when i see him, just sets up the date right then and there and/or I get a text from him…and I feel so disappointed….

    He actually has treated me better than any guy has in the past ( up until now, I guess..), so if this is it, its gonna be hard to go on a date with ANY guy who does less..

    But I feel afraid that if I actually do that, turn down lower quality guys, that I will be closing myself down somehow…

    This feels so crazy



  100.  #100Daria on December 16, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    hehe!

    Check my blog (click my name) for a funny video of a Pursuing Man…

    and photos of a beautiful romance!



  101.  #101Daria on December 16, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    Robin –

    youre in the throes of it. The cloudy pond.

    THERE IS A WHOLE RIVER OF MEN!!!

    no worries there will be another and another who treat you better and better amazingly better its all good….

    and having high expectations is Awesome… it will vibe out too



  102.  #102Tina on December 16, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    I am a money magnet! I just sold some greeting cards! wooooohoooooooooo, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUSE!



  103.  #103Tina on December 16, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    I took a nap earlier and I had this dream just before I woke up some guy with the initial d and some numbers attached to his username sent me an email so i checked and nothing but after about an hour this guy D with numbers attached to his name emailed me lol.



  104.  #104Daria on December 16, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    wow Tina – that was fast! hehe



  105.  #105Daria on December 16, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    if im addicted, i might as well be addicted to roris blog



  106.  #106Tina on December 16, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Daria, me too, I’m addicted to Rori’s blog. Yes, I know it was sudden. He sent me a few emails awhile back mostly just hi, how are you?. I was thinking minimal energy at the time, tonight was like 6 emails lol. It’s a record with him. He says on his profile if you cant drink beer and have a bbq then your probibly not the girl for me, so I never really bothered responding since I dont drink at all. He says he is spending Christmas alone. He’s not into it at all. so I donno. He is long distance , like four hours long distance, its to far I know.



  107.  #107Mary on December 17, 2009 at 3:05 am

    robin,

    if i were you, i wouldn’t invite him to your concert, but once you’re seeing him regularly, and you begin to start talking about your schedules, and he says things like, what are you doing this weekend? – that would be a totally appropriate time to say, “well… i’m singing in a concert. wanna come?” that’a not a leaning forward approach. it’s just an “including him after he asked” approach.

    i have a problem with the idea of sustainability. the way i figure it is that sustainability has to do with the quality of the man. once you’re married, you can date yourself only so much. you can lean backwards only so much. and the thing is, you’re always there. so if the guy is gonna get tired of you and want to move on, it’s more about him than you. somewhere, sometime, guys need to grow up and have some self esteem. and self esteem allows you to want someone who wants you. because you want yourself.

    most people want people that they can’t have. that’s just human nature. so when you generate interest, and the guy is coming towards you, if he can / can’t have you, that’s the best, most fertile ground to maintain interest. the more you become available, the less interest, UNLESS THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEEPENING in ways that create more interest.

    that’s the way i see it…



  108.  #108Daria on December 17, 2009 at 4:11 am

    Mary… wow UNLESS THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEEPENING

    that is a big wow. I get it now.



  109.  #109Daria on December 17, 2009 at 4:14 am

    what if youre around a guy and everytime youre around him its never boring

    like your pody gets turne on like someone turned on the light. like its a whole different vitality around him

    hes just the right combination and just more cuz its like ur more when ur around him. youre fully vitalized. ur ona differnt plane of energy level

    well i want that. i felt that way around the guy who had a baby

    it was like being around an incubator



  110.  #110Daria on December 17, 2009 at 4:15 am

    I want to be zeroed in and pursued by an incubator guy. yes it was great that he was an incubator but even an incubator is not enuf. a man has to want me and only me and take me to my happy ever after. and he can be the incubator while he does that



  111.  #111Mary on December 17, 2009 at 4:40 am

    and the happy ever after is also not so happy ever after sometimes, and that’s okay, too. if it’s authentic and real, it’s okay.



  112.  #112Mary on December 17, 2009 at 4:56 am

    why is it up to us to be unavailable so someone will want us? when can we ever give ourselves and not be taken for granted?

    maybe it needs to be 50/50. we give only as much as we keep? we’re available only as much as we’re unavailable?

    i usually try to keep myself on an even plane with others, so that my needs are as important to me as theirs.

    but… there are times when i function in selflessness and it is also attractive. sometimes the springs are bubbling up, and little riverlets are shooting out, and my pond is expanding, and i feel so ALIVE and HAPPENING that i don’t need to feel attractive to anyone. i don’t need anyone’s attention! i just need to pour myself out. and i’m looking for people to love… and that is probably very attractive, but at that moment, i could care less, because it’s no longer about me. it’s about everyone… and i want to buy the world a coke… !!!! hmmmmm… who said that recently? alias girl? or simply shannon? i loved that little song…



  113.  #113Linda on December 17, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Mary… What happened to cause things to reopen between you and your ex… the one you have been enjoying so much?

    I am struggling with responding to the guy that has hurt me and written hurtful things. I know it sounds stupid and I just dont understand why this guy keeps contacting me periodically if he is not interested in me.

    Deep down I feel something different than what is happening between us now. (which is nothing and then a text or email) Do men just want to know we are still there but not really want us?
    Is it an ego thing?….

    I guess I just need to stay focused on me and how I feel, what I need and what I am looking for. This is a huge challange for me. My new male friend says that not responding to a man eats him up? I dont know about that but he says its true. I am in a flat mood today.

    Linda



  114.  #114Simply Shannon on December 17, 2009 at 8:23 am

    Linda: I meant to respond yesterday to say I feel happy that you aren’t replying to his crumbs! I mean “whatcha doin”… for a man that spoke such awful words to you, I would be feeling pissed about such a lame text. I understand why you’re struggling with it. I truly do. However, I would be expecting an apology and an all-out-pursuit if he wants me back. “Whatcha doin”… wouldn’t you like to know!!! 🙂 If he really wants back in your life, I feel confident he’ll come to you with sincerity. An electronic text is sooo easy. It’s not even a real thought, ya know? I feel bad that you are hurting and wondering what’s the right thing to do. I feel certain you’ll figure out what feels best to you. (((HUGS)))



  115.  #115tinque on December 17, 2009 at 9:10 am

    “hes just the right combination and just more cuz its like ur more when ur around him. youre fully vitalized. ur ona differnt plane of energy level”

    Daria – Yes, this is it. This is how it feels. It’s like you great alone, but your even better together.
    xxoo



  116.  #116Mary on December 17, 2009 at 10:22 am

    linda – here is a really interesting article about abuse. this guy of yours sounds a bit like the description of Covert or Controlling Abuse – http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html.
    he’s acting in unpredictable ways, with disproportionate reactions, as simply shannon pointed out, and in the past he has put you down, criticized you, belittled you, etc.

    my ex is coming into my life in a stealth way that i’m watching. it’s kinda sneaky, and i’m not sure how i feel about it, because he has nothing to show for the time away (like therapy, realizations, etc.), except that he told me that he went on a million coffee dates, didn’t like any of them and wished they all were me. somehow that’s not what i was looking for.

    i’m out of town for ten days, trying to sort this out…

    AND study!

    Bye y’all!

    hope it goes well for you, linda!



  117.  #117Terry on December 17, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Ladies, need quick help.

    The theater board Xmas party is tonight. Steve and I are both on the board. I don’t want to go but I have to. I’ve worked really hard to get on the board and have the chance to direct a show next summer. Missing the party would be an option, but not a good one.

    We still haven’t seen each other since the last show closed Nov. 14th. He occasionally calls and tells me he loves me, but he’s broken and rescheduled that darn coffee date probably 8 times. This week, he didn’t even wish me good luck on finals, much less offer to take me out for coffee or a relaxing walk in the park.
    My mind gets that he’s gone, and that’s probably best, and I’ve had some great moments of insight about this lately, but I’m afraid when I see him all gorgeous with his big brown eyes and have to make social small talk and eat a meal at the same table with him, my strength will vanish; I’ll feel completely shredded emotionally, the hormones and memories will come raging back to me, and I’ll end up panting after him like a Chihuahua despite my best intentions — or at least sending out vibes to him that I really don’t want to send.
    How do I keep myself under control? How do I handle this?
    Terry



  118.  #118Mary on December 17, 2009 at 10:54 am

    well, terry…

    since you have been bantering back and forth about coffee, it sounds like there is interest on his part. i know could be called crumbs, but he wouldn’t talk about having coffee if there was NO interest. you can use that little spark of interest to flirt with him very lightheartedly, by throwing him the 5 second glance, smiling really beautifully and then turning away! it’s like you’re starting from scratch, but you know you stand out in a room for him, so you’re in a better position than scratch. forget about the past and just begin at the party. any actual conversation with him should be probably two minutes or less… then excuse yourself and go to the restroom… and get distracted after that. and if it were ME, i’d not wear my very most beautiful thing. i’d wear the thing that makes me feel beautiful AND totally like myself. comfortably me… and i’d be laughing and talking with everyone, arriving a little late and leaving very early, just having a blast in my own way and really pretty oblivious of his presence there. you can do it! it can even be really fun! it’s your turn to do the teasing…



  119.  #119gina on December 17, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    Hi Ladies!!

    Here’s some True Beauty Holiday cheer comin’ your way!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtBfNfmjwec



  120.  #120Daria on December 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Tinque : thank you.

    The thing was, I was feeling this way about a man in my past. guy who had a baby.

    so its not only the pursuing man for me that can make me feel this way

    im specifically adding that i want that quality in the man who Does



  121.  #121Tina on December 17, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    How did I get from wanting needing my desires fullfilled/met to feeling like a user. I feel angry and I dont know why. Am I using the universe to get my needs met? get and used, these two words piss me off. I feel guilt and shame for feeling like a user. Im using the universe, I’m using YOU , THIS BLOG, my kids, now how the hell did that get there, where does this come from? so rather than feel like a user, I dont express or desire any longer, I’ve stopped living , hell I havnt begun , lets not stop there. Users dont get love,desires met not really. What do i do now? this is where I am at? A big fat user! so for me to feel better about myself, I am nice, I submissive, I feel , I feel, I feel like a user. I’m a fake, a phoney, a user, grrr. My punishment for using is to allow people to walk all over me, use me, yeah you can use me, its my punishment, my life long punishment. Users get theirs in the end, its karma right?

    whatever, thats where I feel I am at right now. Im using the universe, I’m using my thoughts, this is wrong, this is wrong, wrong wrong wrong, Having no desires is my punishment, I am no longer allowed to have desires or wants , so thats it. I’m lucky to get what I want even though I dont deserve it, I dont deserve it. I feel like I”m in prison, when is my parole lol. Wheres the fucken judge? I feel bad for swearing at the judge, cause I know im not getting out, what the hell, curse and call the judge names hahahaha, fuck him! breaking out of prison is an option but its wronge, wheres my saw, will someone send me a saw? it’s in my fcken cake! do i get to lick the icing on my cake before i bust out?

    Im just getting my thoughts to surface, I’ll be ok lol.



  122.  #122Tina on December 17, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Send me the damn saw, I wanna bust out. Bring me the key you bastard! oh look pretty windchimes hanging on my prison bars.



  123.  #123Tina on December 17, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    slip the cake under the bars. This saw will do.
    I have another idea, break down the wall, then I’;ll escape but then i’ll have to hide , hide for the rest of my life, cause “they” will find me and next time it wont be so easy to escape.



  124.  #124Tina on December 17, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Prison is nice hahaha, I get to keep my Christmas tree, I get to keep my computer and all my programs hahaha. I get to keep all my creative ideas, my thoughts, but my punishment is never to desire anything ever, never, not even money, I’ll get whipped for wanting money or they will just laugh at me. You are crazy indeed. There’s only so much I can do in this tiny four foot cell. If people see me out of my prison they will report me , and I’ll get sent back, my taste for freedom is a fantasy, Oh they say I can keep my penpals lol.

    Whos creative genius mind made miniwheats? yum



  125.  #125Flipper on December 17, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Hey Tina my so-called logical mind keeps telling me that same shit!!! Damn. It’s so “logical” it tells me the Universe is THERE for me to USE, like for everyone else, and at the same time that I really Shouldn’t, Oh no that wouldn’t do, that’s selfish. I must not deserve it or I would Feel like I did, right ? Wrong,? Indifferent? Yeh, no desires. Even my bloody dreams are blah – no names (not even cryptic letter + nos.), no wildbeasts, no sturm und drang, no passion, just always a ‘house’ or residence in some form or other and banalities.

    Mary, thanks for the refresher course on abuse. Insidious, stealth, can’t put your finger on it, turn things around til the abused seems the abuser, abuse. People don’t see, including the abused people who are blinded, till their feelings finally give them inner vision, and eventually inner and outer strength.

    Cheez, intimacy is soooo scarrrrrry I can’t even go there with myself. Almost hot tears, almost searing in the nose, sinking, retracting in the …… groin! lol Had to look that word up in the dico cuz I could only find the term in French! Now I’m giggling. Groin never sounded like a woman could have one in English. (False) prudery? (Linguistic) false friend? Ooooo this is easier – the contractions are higher up just under my belly button now. Laughing feels better.



  126.  #126Lisa on December 17, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    Mary,

    Thank you for the excellent link on narcissistic abuse. this is precisely what I’ve just emerged from after 7 years. My counselor just gave the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Evans, so this site will be an excellent adjunct.

    It is stealth abuse: One becomes the target of all of his anger, and, looks to the perpetrator for meting out justice. The perfect Catch-22. Hard to see when you’re in it.

    I’m off to read more…



  127.  #127Flipper on December 17, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Robin, 2 ideas: If you can feel Rockstarish about it, i.e. be absolutely ok if he comes or not, I feel it’d be alright to invite him to your concert. I’d do short and sweet, with no directions, details or offer to keep/reserve him a seat, and I’d keep it about me: “I’m singing in a concert Friday. It would feel good having you there”.

    Or Rockstar-Agentish (but still, only if you feel fine about any outcome), if you know other people who might be interested: send out a group email, either making him just one among the addressees, or send to yourself and bcc All the addressees including him. Make the message just as warm or impersonal as you would normally for the rest of these people.



  128.  #128Mary on December 17, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Robin, Let us know how the party goes! I’m curious about how you’re doing right this second… 7pm? You’re getting ready, for sure, or maybe driving there. I’m thinking about you right now, asking You Know Who to be there, calm you down and help you be your most fantastic, rockstar, goddess self… it’s gonna be good! I can feel it.



  129.  #129Linda on December 17, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Thanks Mary and SS… I have felt for a long time that I was dealing with a narsasitic man. All of the things that he has point out about me (which he sees as helpful unheaded guidance)… is really a revealing mirror of what he can accept about himself.

    I did decide that I was not going to respond to him and deleted the text. I have done it before and it yeilded more negative words from him.

    I have choices and I dont want this in my life. Consistent, grandios difference is required. To date the measly “whatcha doing” especially after his last email is unbelievable. You are right, I deserve and require an appology.

    Thanks ladies…. I am headed to bed. My head cant get wrapped around this tonight.

    Linda



  130.  #130Mary on December 17, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    way to go, Linda! it’s hard when you’re lonely and there’s no one else on the horizon. but when there’s no one else on the horizon, you get more proactive. rather proactive and find a good man than complacent and settle for a toxic man. i hate putting people in categories like narcissistic, but from things you’ve told us, and because of the way you FEEL when you’re with him, it seems like he has toxic qualities. or maybe he just has the absence of the good qualities you’re looking for, that make you feel like your superstar self. maybe it’s the loneliness that’s making you check for text messages. awwww, and that makes me feel sad. i’ve been soooooo lonely the past year and a half. it’s a difficult place to be. reading this blog and listening to CDs, reading eBooks about relationships and all those things made me feel like I was being proactive, and that helped with the loneliness for me. and i did join some clubs at night because it gets very dark here very early; it’s like there are two night times. it’s a little crazy making…



  131.  #131Mary on December 17, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    but i’m with you that your guy isn’t demonstrating many good qualities. i can’t imagine how you must feel about that.



  132.  #132gina on December 17, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    He texted from Nashville (he’s there to take care of a house he owns there :-0 !! ) : I can’t stop thinking about you and looking forward to holding you…

    I texted: I miss you too! Mmm…I can’t wait to feel you holding me…

    this is getting fun!



  133.  #133gina on December 17, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    however, it seems to be my nasty voices that are speaking up in my head, telling me to eat, lay around, smoke pot, drink, indulge in making a mess, pick my skin, look bad and stay home while I’m still single and free to do what I “want.” Allright, nasty voices, you had your moment in the sun. Now off to your pit! I have some beautifying to do before my beauty sleep…



  134.  #134Lisa on December 24, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Linda, Mary,

    I just read an excellent nugget on the narcissistic man:

    He hates it when I say I love him. Why? Because he knows there is nothing there to love, nothing but a shell. So, he figures we are stupid, or a liar, either of which damn his own personal abilities to choose a suitable partner, so he loathes and devalues us even more. Our perceived inadequacy reflects his known inadequacy. What a merry-go-round.

    This explains so much.



  135.  #135tinque on December 25, 2009 at 9:11 am

    Lisa – this is great. I love how it’s put though I would venture to say that this is all running on an unconscious level on his part. For a narcissistic man or woman for that matter are unconscious.
    xxoo



  136.  #136Lisa on December 25, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Tinque,

    Yes, unconscious. Then, if we are fortunate enough to summon the courage to leave the game, they will enjoy a faux mourning, and our value will rise, as we have become someone who recognizes their essential absence through our rejection.

    We substantiate their worldview of their essential inadequacy only when we say, “No more”. But it is the right move, for moreso than in the average breakup, this truly marks the end of a dream, for there never was any reality.

    For the man, J., there was no “there” there. My love was the love of a potential which I imputed to him. However, the truth is, he is not real. Or I should say, he is a real, walking shell., I had asked during sex if he even enjoyed it, for there was no hint. It was all pneumatics.

    So I am recovering from true, self-imposed feelings of objectification. This man was a somatic and cerebral narcissist, and took more “pleasure” from pornography and affairs than the actual “mainline” relationship.

    It is the true no-win: We are not valued when we love, so we must leave.



  137.  #137tinque on December 25, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    wow Lisa, amazing revelations here for you. This takes great courage my dear, so BRAVA and YAY to you.
    A person such as he is a sad, sad being. So detached from his heart. Yet such a common thing.
    To sink so deeply into feeling that there is almost thought is difficult and painful yet rewarding.
    Searching for pure essence which is at the core of our hearts and souls is a gorgeous, god/goddessy thing. To even taste a drop is a gift.
    This has been my adventure. And it continues…
    I wish for you a beautiful day today and every day.
    xxoo



  138.  #138Lisa on January 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Thank you for your care, Tinque.

    I am emboldened and encouraged by your words. I feel heard.



  139.  #139Alicia on March 20, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Greetings Rori –

    I have a question in regards to physical looks and feelings..

    Looks:
    I am aware now of all this masculine energy and thick layer of protective skin I have. But, I look really feminine and would say my style is pretty girly.. I was raised mostly by my angry explosive dad.. and lived a few years with my totally hippie sprititual free loving mom.

    I have either always had guy friends – with just a friend vibe or I have slept with guys too soon and never became well versed with “real intimacy “and dating although I’ve been on great dates. I have never had an “exclusive man in my life”.. **I’ve taken a year off from quickly going to bed or “wherever the night took me” becuase it started to just not feel right for me, pretty soon afterwards..

    The feeling:
    At my old job. There was 300 male loan mortgage officers and maybe 20 women. I’m very aware of men at the office but even, more so, married men, in that I mean, the way I carry myself. I’m tall, blonde and busty.

    I would wear conservative stylish clothes to work but, I could still litterally “feel” guys looking at me.. Especially at the office, so I find that I would avoid eye contact, or make a point to ask how their wife was. I was just real professional and neutral vibe.. I would smile and say hi.. just more neutral.

    Same thing when I meet my friends husbands, I put out a very platonic friend vibe. I think I would want the same in return. I’ve had friends flirt it up with the guys I have dated and found it so rude. To the point the guy even spoke up and said stop that’s not fair to Alicia.
    However, another guy would soak it up and act like it was good fun. Puulease! I would distance myself from those girl “friends” and yes, that guy as well. Now, He is gone like the wind 😀

    I do notice now when I go out. I sometimes get in that same “mode”, and if I’m NOT physically attracted I for sure go “friend neutral” vibe almost on purpose..

    Now on the weekend and when I’m out with the girls. I use to be the extreme opposite. When I am really physically attracted to a guy and like his charm. I totally soften up. I smile, and my flirting comes out..

    But, I notice more often, that I find myself going back to professional or buddy vibe if I feel intimadated or no spark. Even if they are cute.

    Does this make any sense?? Should I be striking a different balance? All physical and passionate was lacking. But, so is just friend and no spark.

    – One day I master cliff notes.. lol



  140.  #140Alicia on March 25, 2010 at 12:48 am

    ATTRACTION PRINCIPLES

    1. ANYTHING A PERSON CHASES RUNS AWAY.

    2. THE WOMEN WHO HAVE MEN CLIMBING THE WALL FOR THEM AREN’T ALWAYS EXCEPTIONAL. OFTEN, THEY ARE THE ONES WHO DONT APPEAR TO CARE THAT MUCH.

    3. A WOMAN IS PERCIEVED AS A MENTAL CHALLENGE TO THE DEGREE THAT A MAN DOESN’T HAVE A 100% HOLD ON HER.

    4. SOMETIMES A MAN WON’T CALL, JUST TO SEE HOW YOU’LL RESPOND.

    5. IF YOU START OUT DEPENDENT ON HIM, IT TURNS HIM OFF. But, IF IT IS SOMETHING HE CANT HAVE, IT BECOMES A CHALLENGE FOR HIM TO GET IT.

    6. IT IS YOUR ATTITUDE THAT A MAN WILL ADOPT ABOUT YOU. (Doormat or Dreamgirl)

    7. ACT LIKE A PRIZE AND TURN HIM INTO A BELIEVER.

    Definition of a BITCH ( also known as a Goddess) in this context:
    (noun) – A women who will not bang her head against a wall obbessing over someone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it’s just one persons opinion; therefore, it’s no real importance, She does not try to live up to someone elses standards- only her own. Becuase of this, she relates to men very easily.

    8. THE BIGGEST VARIABLE BETWEEN A BITCH (AKA GODDESS) AND A WOMAN WHO IS TOO NICE… IS FEAR. THE BITCH /GODDESS* SHOWS SHE IS NOT AFRAID TO BE WITH OUT HIM.

    9. IF THE CHOICE BETWEEN HAVING A RELATIONSHIP , THE BITCH/GODDESS WILL PRIORITIZE HER DIGINITY ABOVE ALL ELSE.

    10. WHEN A WOMEN DOESN’T GIVE IN EASILY AND DOESNT APPEAR SUBMISSIVE, IT BECOMES MORE STIMULATING TO OBTAIN HER.

    11. BEING RIGHT ON THE VERGE OF GETTING SOMETHING GENERATES A DESIRE THAT HAS TO BE SATISIFIED..

    12. A MAN KNOWS WHICH WOMEN WILL GIVE INTO HIS LAST MINUTE REQUEST.

    13. WHETHER YOU HAVE TERMS AND CONDITIONS INDICATES WHETHER YOU HAVE OPTIONS. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, YOU PRESENT YOURSELF AS A DOORMAT OR DREAMGIRL.

    14. IF YOU SMOTHER HIM, HE’LL GO INTO DEFENSE MODE AND LOOK FOR AN ESCAPE ROUTE TO HIS FREEDOM.

    15. WHEN EVER A WOMAN REQURIES TOO MANY THINGS FROM A MAN HE” RESENT IT.LET HIM GIVE WHAT HE WANTS FREELY; THEN OBSERVE WHO HE IS. (DON’T OVER GIVE TO HIM EXPECTING HIM TO RETURN THE FAVORS)

    16. A BITCH/GODESS GIVES A MAN PLENTY OF SPACE SO HE DOESN’T FEAR BEING TRAPPED IN A CAGE. THEN.. HE SETS OUT TO TRAP HER IN HIS.

    17. IF YOU TELL HIM YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN JUMPING INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH FEET. HE WILL SET OUT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.

    18. ALWAYS GIVE THE APPEARENCE THAT HE HAS PLENTY OF SPACE. THIS WILL ALLOW HIM TO FROP HIS GUARD.

    19. MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE, HE WATCHED TO SEE IF YOU WILL BE TOO EMOTIONALLY DEPENDED ON HIM.

    20. HE MUST FEEL YOU CHOOSE TO BE WITH HIM, NOT THAT YOU NEED TO BE WITH HIM. ONLY THEN WILL HE PERCIEVE YOU AS A EQUAL PARTNER.

    21. IF A MAN HAS TO WAIT TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN
    , HE’LL NOT ONLY PERCIEVE HER AS MORE BEAUTIFUL, HE’LL ALSO TAKE TIME TO APPRECIATE WHO SHE IS.

    22. SEX AND THE “SPARK” ARE NOT THE SAME.

    23. BEFORE SEX, A MAN ISN’T THINKING CLEARLY AND A WOMAN IS THINKING CLEARLY. AFTER SEX, ITS REVERSE.. THE MAN IS THINKING CLEARLY AND THE WOMAN ISN’T.

    24. EVERY MAN WANTS TO HAVE SEX FIRST; WHETHER OR NOT HE WANTS A GIRLFRIEND IS SOMETHING HE THINKS ABOUT LATER. BY NOT GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS RIGHT UP FRONT, YOU BECOME HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH OUT HIM REALIZING IT.

    25. A MAN INUITIVELY SENSES WHETHER SEXUALITY COMES FROM A PLACE OF NEEDINESS. HE KNOWS WHEN A WOMAN IS HAVING SEX TO PLEASE HIM.

    26. BAD HABITS ARE EASIER TO FORM THEN GOOD ONES, BECAUSE GOOD HABITS REQUIRE CONSCIOUS EFFORT. WAITING ENCOURAGES THIS EFFORT.

    27. IF YOU PULL THE SEXUAL PLUG AT THE LAST MINUTE HE’LL LABEL YOU AS A TEASE.
    (OPEN AFFECTION IN PUBLIC AND LEAVING HIM WANTING MORE ON A DATE- IS NOT THE SAME A LEAVING HIM WITH BLUE BALLS IN HIS BED.)

    28. IF HE MAKES YOU FEEL INSECURE, LET YOUR INSECURITY BE YOUR GUIDE.

    29. A QUALITY GUY FANTASIZES ABOUT A WOMAN WHO “GENUINELY” LOVES SEX.

    30. ANY TIME A WOMAN COMPETES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, SHE DEMEANS HERSELF.

    31. WHEN THERE IS THAT UNDENIABLE “SPARK”, THERE IS ONLY ONE KEY TO UNLOCK.

    32. LET HIM THINK HE IS CONTROL. HE’LL AUTOMATICALLY START DOING THINGS YOU WANT BECAUSE HE’LL ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK LIKE A “KING” IN HIS EYES.. (And if he is driving and you want him to turn right.. tell him to turn left. lol)

    33. WHEN YOU CATER TO HIS EGO IN A SOFT WAY, HE DOESN’T TRY TO GET POWER IN A AGGRESSIVE WAY.

    34. WHEN YOU APPEAR SOFTER AND MORE FEMININE YOU APPEAL TO HIS INSTINCE TO “PROTECT”.. WHEN YOU APPEAR MORE AGGESIVE, YOU APPEAL TO HIS INSTINCT TO COMPETE.

    35.HE’LL LET A WOMAN WHO BECOMES HIS DOORMAT PAY FOR DINNER ON THE FIRST COUPLE OF DATES. BUT HE WOULD NEVER DO THIS WITH HIS DREAMGIRL.

    36. WHEN A WOMAN ACT AS IF SHE IS CAPABLE OF EVERYTHING… HE LET’S HER DO EVERYTHING.

    37. TALKING ABOUT THE “REALTIONSHIP” TOO MUCH TAKES AWAY THE ELEMENT OF THE “UNKNOWN” AND THUS THE MYSTERY.

    38. WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOU: AND HE IS FREE TO GO; HE FEELS LUCKY!

    (Dont stop the things you were doing before him, working out, classes, hobbies)
    30. IF YOU ALLOW “YOUR” RYTHM TO BE INTERRUPTED, YOU’LL CREATE A VOID. THEN, TO REPLACE WHAT YOU GIVE UP, YOU’LL START TO EXPECT AND NEED MORE FROM HIM.

    31. MOAT WOMEN ARE STARVING TO RECIEVE SOMETHING FROM A MAN THEY NEED TO GIVE TO THEMSELVES.

    32. A WOMEN LOOKS SECURE IN A MAN’S EYES WHEN HE CAN’T PULL HER AWAY FROM HER LIFE. BECUASE SHE IS CONTENT WITH HER LIFE.

    33.THE SECOND A WOMEN WORKS OVERTIME TO MAKE HERSELF FIT HIS CRITERIA: SHE HAS LOWERED THE STANDARD OF THAT REALTIONSHIP.

    34. YOU JUMP THRU HOOPS ANY TIME YOU ARE REPEATEDLY MAKE IT VERY OBVIOUS YOU ARE GIVING IT YOU “ALL”.. (GIVING UP YOU TO PLEASE HIM)

    35. YOU HAVE TO KEEP FROM BEING SUCKED DOWN INTO QUICKSAND. UNLESS YOU MAINTAIN CONTROL OVER YOUSELF, THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED.

    36. JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS OFTEN HAS A NEGATIVE OUTCOME: HE SEE’S IT AS AN OPPOURTUNITY.. TO HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO. BUT WHEN YOU STAY JUST OUTSIDE HIS REACH, HE’LL STAY ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOR.

    37. THE NICE GIRL GIVES AWAY TOO MUCH OF HERSELF WHEN PLEASING HIM REGULARLY BECOMES MORE IMPORTANT THEN PLEASING HERSELF.

    38. THE RELATIONSHIP MAY NOT BE RIGHT FOR YOU IF YOU FIND YOURSELF JUMPING THRU HOOPS. WHEN SOMETHING IS RIGHT, IT WILL FEEL EASIER AND MUCH EFFORTLESS.

    39. WHEN YOU NAG, HE TUNES YOU OUT. WHEN YOU SPEAK WITH ACTIONS – TAKING CARE OF YOUR FEELINGS – HE PAYS ATTENTION.

    40. WHEN A MAN TAKES A WOMAN FOR GRANTED, HE’LL LOOK FOR REASSURANCE THAT SHE IS STILL RIGHT THERE.

    41. WHEN THE ROUTINE BECOMES PREDICTABLE, HE’S MORE LIKELY TO GIVE YOU THE SAME TYPE OF LOVE HE HAD FOR HIS MOTHER – AND THE ODDS THAT HE’LL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED INCREASE.

    42. NEGATIVE ATTENTION IS STILL ATTENTION. IT LETS A MAN KNOW HE STILL HAS A HOLD ON YOU.

    43. A MAN TAKES A WOMAN FOR GRANTED WHEN HE WILL HE’S INTERESTED, BUT WILL NO LONGER GO OUT HIS WAY.

    44. WHEN YOU NAG, “YOU” BECOME THE PROBLEM, AND HE DEALS WITH IT BY TUNING YOU OUT. BUT, WHEN YOU DON’T NAG, “HE DEALS” WITH THE “PROBLEM.”

    45.FORCING HIM TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS ALL THE TIME WILL NOT ONLY MAKE YOU SEEM NEEDY, IT WILL EVENTUALLY MAKE HIM LOOSE RESPECT. AND WHEN HE LOOSES RESPECT, HE’LL PAY EVEN LESS ATTENTION TO YOUR FEELINGS.

    46. IN THE BEGINNING, THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO IS WHETHER HE KEEPS COMING AROUND, BECAUSE HE’LL ONLY BE ABLE TO SUSPEND HIS FEELINGS FOR SO LONG.

    47. MEN TREAT WOMEN THE WAY THEY TREAT OTHER MEN. THEY “PLAY IT COOL” BECAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO SEEM DESPERATE OR WEAK.

    48. DON’T BE AFRAID TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF OR SPEAK YOU MIND. IT WILL NOT ONLY EARN HIS RESPECT, IN SOME CASES IT WILL EVEN TURN HIM ON.

    49. A MAN FEELS HE’S WON, OR CONQUERED A WOMAN, WHEN SHE EATS OUT OF THE PALM OF HIS HAND. AT WHICH POINT HE GETS BORED. DONT GIVE A REWARD TO BAD BEHAVIOR.

    50. A “YES” WOMAN WHO GIVES TOO MUCH SENDS THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE BELIEVES IN THE MAN MORE THEN SHE BELIEVES IN HERSELF. MEN VIEW THIS AS WEAKNESS NOT KINDNESS.

    * THE MOST ATTRACTIVE QUALITY OF ALL IS DIGINITY.



  141.  #141roxy on August 3, 2011 at 10:05 am

    you cant control everything in life. Its the force of destiny.