What Matters About A Man…

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unshaven-manHere’s a great question from “Argentina” to jump off from:

“Rori, why do certain men consistently flirt with other women while they are married with children and consistently speak of their past partners and relationships All the time?”

My Answer:

Argentina – I realize this analogy might seem odd, since these things “come from” different places and, since they’re partly “behavioral” – we often believe we can effect change in them, but the core of the question is the same:

What makes a man have blue eyes? What makes a man 6′ tall? What makes a man like the color blue, or green, or yellow, or red? What makes a man like to cook? What makes a man like to do anything? Or feel COMPELLED to do anything?

And – the answer isit doesn’t MATTER “why” anything!

As my great coach trainee Jenn Jolie said to me: “You can’t fix the why.”

The only thing that matters is how the way a man “IS” feels to you.

And I’m not talking about your “opinion” of him and how that makes you feel.

I mean the way you feel about YOU when you’re with him.

If you don’t like it – say so.

And if it doesn’t shift dramatically enough so that you feel okay with the way it is and stop needing to “change” it, then leave.

Harsh, yes – and there really are only those two options, in the end.

AND – there are SO many ways and options to GET to that choice!

One thing, then, that requires paying deep attention to here is:

What are you willing to leave FOR?

We women can be “okay” with different things, and at different levels of intensity.

As I talk about in depth in my Have The Relationship You Want ebook: When you’re experiencing an entire “forest” – don’t just look at the “leaves.”

Just because a man flirts with other women when you’re out with him doesn’t make him a bad choice for you.

Just because he pays a lot of attention to an “ex” doesn’t mean he’s a bad choice for you.

Yes, perhaps he’s a wretched choice for another woman, perhaps even for me and most of the women in the Rori Raye community – and SO WHAT?

We don’t count.

YOU DO!

Your sensibilities, your attitude, your experiences, your comfort level with yourself – all these things make you choose a man.

What we have to be vigilant about asking ourselves and answering ourselves honestly is this:

Am I choosing a human, yes, imperfect man – a man with what seem to me to be “flaws,” flaws I can be okay with, that do not diminish me in any way in my own eyes – OR…

Am I choosing a man to punish me!

Then, the question you likely want to ask me is“How do I know which is which?”

The only answer here comes from you. From how you feel.

AND – from how he responds to your straight-forward expression of those feelings.

How he responds to hearing what you want and don’t want.

How he responds to hearing what makes you feel safe and loved, and what makes you feel small and unimportant and not loved.

Until you’re willing to investigate how you feel when you’re around him – NOT what you “think” about him – and answer all these questions, and then SPEAK them to HIM – you’ll never know.

You’ll never know what’s possible until you Feel, and then Speak, and then Feel some more.

You won’t know until you discover the patterns in how this man triggers you, and how you feel about yourself in his presence – or merely thinking about him.

You won’t know until you express yourself in this new, Feeling Message, Poetic way – and discover how he responds.

Don’t make “guesses” – or “opinions” until you’ve asked and answered your own questions.

You can likely tolerate a LOT that you don’t like.

The question is – Do you want to?

And then – let’s see what he’ll do when you’ve discovered more answers and more options than you thought you had, and shared them with him in a way he can hear.

Love, Rori

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152 Comments

  1.  #1Iris on November 18, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Hi, Sirens, I want to ask you all a question.

    As I am practicing CDing with men, I also practice opening my heart to women: my co-workers, friends, relatives, strangers, etc. I often express myself in feeling messages to many people, and while I have noticed that men LOVE my vulnerability and unabashed expression of feelings, I feel that many women are less willing to open up than men do after I use feeling messages.

    Does anyone else experience this too?



  2.  #2Cris on November 18, 2013 at 10:29 am

    Brilliant, Rori! so relaxing not trying to investigate whys…



  3.  #3Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Iris – It really doesn’t matter. Using feeling messages is primarily for YOU, for getting in touch with how YOU feel and then learning how to express them in a clear and clean way, no agenda.

    Some people will respond in ways which feel good, and some won’t regardless of gender.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, as this is FOR YOU. The more you learn about you, the deeper you can go, opening up, blossoming, getting closer and closer to your pure love heart self.

    xxoo



  4.  #4Femininewoman on November 18, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Iris I totally agree with Dominique



  5.  #5Femininewoman on November 18, 2013 at 11:25 am

    “Am I choosing a human, yes, imperfect man – a man with what seem to me to be “flaws,” flaws I can be okay with, that do not diminish me in any way in my own eyes – OR…

    Am I choosing a man to punish me!”



  6.  #6Iris on November 18, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Thanks, Dominique and FeminineWoman, how wonderful that your comments reflect EXACTLY what Rori is talking about in this post: it doesn’t really matter. What matter is how I feel!

    Sometimes it feels tough using Feeling Messages when you feel a weird energy from the person receiving the message. Your reminders made me feel a bit better, and I can feel my world slowly expanding!



  7.  #7Indigo on November 18, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I SO agree with the perspective Rori has expressed here.

    The problem for me has never really been knowing what I feel, but in letting go… because once I know what I feel, and feel it, I fall in love with that, and can’t let go. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone.

    Anyway, I am learning how to guard and protect myself when I need to, because I cannot be one big open bleeding heart all the time. 🙂



  8.  #8Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Iris – YAY to you!!!

    xxoo



  9.  #9Indigo on November 18, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Iris,

    Something my mom reminded me of, and it ties in with what Dominique is saying, you really have no control over how other people respond, and it’s not personal, so don’t take it personally.

    You need to concentrate on what you are radiating out to the world… Other people are at different stages of their journey, healing and growth. When I think of my interactions with others, I think of being the best me possible, and being kind and wise. Not harming them. But other than that, being myself.



  10.  #10Tammy on November 18, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Rori-please help! I know it is said it is not the particular man you want but the right relationship but what if you really are in love with him? You hear how a spouse dies and the widow or widower just can’t ever see themselves with another person- well, I feel that way about a man and I don’t even have a Committment. We both met when neither of us were looking for a relationship and the attraction and connection was instant. We have been seeing each other- really, honestly when convenient to him- for a year now. When we are together, we barely sleep for days- we make love for 14+ hours at a time-no lie! And I am telling you, about 90% of the time, he tells me how wonderful it is to be with me- how peaceful he feels, how right it is, how he trusts me, how he feels at home with me, how he thought it was great with his ex wife but we share something deeper than they did. We are passionate and talk while we make love. He tells me that I scare him and that I have messed him up for other women. He is rich and nice looking so he has women, young ones at that, after him. He says I am only woman that has ever not just told him what they thought he wants to hear- he thinks most are after the money. He says I always make him think deep things. He also has a lady in another state that he had a relationship with but has not totally broken it off with emotionally- he says can’t have sex with her because he thinks of me the whole time-. He says he does not want to hurt her because she has gone through so much but he knows that it will never happen with her and he thinks she “gets” this.
    Now while we are together he also says how he is scared of being hurt again- that I am the only person that could break him- that he is not sure he will ever be ready. That he will always want to be my friend.( I told him I could never be just his friend!)
    I love the way I feel when I am with him! And I know he feels same! He always looks old and haggard when I meet up with him but after our togetherness he looks happy and 15 yrs younger! We even follow each other around the house- even to bathroom because neither of us want to miss a minute! He always initiates role play with me where he wants to pretend we have been married for years and he loves this! He says the way we are together is how life is supposed to be! That he knows it is real.
    My problem is: I love him and have told him.(he says he is scared to use L word but feels same) I usually contact him
    first(I don’t want him to forget about me! I did go 2 months once without contacting him and he called and talked to me for 4 hrs.) I always go to his place( he is a wee bit eccentric and says he feels more secure at his guarded home-I think-bullshit!) unless he is the greatest player or liar of all time, I know this man is nuts about me( it is all he talks about is how he can’t get enough of me) he also says he does not contact me often because he knows he would want to drop all his responsibilities(he is a business owner) and want to spend too much time with me. I told him to date me-he said he does not date-that he believes in working towards a lifetime. But he said he feels so emotionally damaged right now. That if he he were to spend a lot of time with me that he is scared he will mess things up. Says he is scared of Committment but he is getting closer and closer to that with me.
    Last time we spent 5 days together- the longest amount yet- and he said he is thinking of marrying me- I played it cool- really I just smiled because I have not seen a ring! He actually spent at least an hour cuddling with me in bed and looking at us in the mirror all the while saying how much he would like to have this everyday! He showered me with sweet kisses and kind words and love. He said he was coming into his busy season at work and knows he will lie in bed wanting me while we are apart! But at end I told him that I was going to miss him and he told me not to say that! That I was acting like a kid. That I was making it harder on both of us because he said he may not see me for a couple months due to business. He was acting weird and nervous and I told him so. The next day I get a text(a text!) saying he said I am too much and that I need to pull away! I mean HE is the one that is overwhelmingly into me and pursuing me when we are together! And, oh, he wanted his jacket-to leave it with front desk at his building. I responded and told him how impersonal and ugly it is not to at least discuss this with me. How he has hurt me. That I still feel same about him but he has hurt me. Now, I am used to not hearing from him and him not responding to my texts but, I am reeling! We are not children! I am 41, he is 49!
    What if I really pushed him away for good-actually in reality he is the one doing the pushing away! How can a man be so crazy about you when with you and then toss you to the side?
    I know I have given him too much and he has not given enough! From now on, he or any man will take me out, come pick me up, and call me or they get nowhere with me! I have a lot to offer and man has to ante up to get me.
    I know this but yet I am so broken- I love him-feel like he is my soulmate and what we have is beautiful.
    I ask for help! Because I am so depressed- I cry all the time-have vomit in pit of my throat all day and can’t sleep! Is this hopeless? Am I too dumb or naive to see? Is this real? Where do I start in your program to help me? I am desperate not to hurt anymore! Thanks Rori!



  11.  #11Iris on November 18, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Thank you, Indigo! I feel glad that I am participating in this blog. I am new to this community, and everyone’s feedback has helped.

    Thanks, Sirens!



  12.  #12LINDA on November 18, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    It has been a slow road but I have found that becoming aware of my feelings and staying tuned into them has allowed some healing to come into my life. Being aware of what I feel is becoming easier but I still have a ways to go on the putting feet on them. I get bogged down and frozen there sometimes.

    Why?? It is probably because I am not self centered or selfish enough. I feels really weird to say that. From the time we are little we are taught to share, be considerate of others their feelings, be reasonable etc etc…. What I need to do for me gets minimized or shelved. I fuss and stew internally. This is what I have been doing lately. I do this, then this will happen. If I do that.. .then it will cost me and cause something else I don’t want in my life.

    I dont know how to turn this around. Selfish people are offensive to me. I dont want to be like that, but I do want to have the freedom to choose what I want and need in my life.



  13.  #13Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Tammy – I am so sorry. This feels painful to even read. You are so far ahead here in that you already know you cannot control him, you cannot change his mind, you can only take care of you here.

    It’s possible this man just can’t do a healthy, loving relationship, that he’s used to whatever he’s used to so that when things became deep with you, he was unable to handle it. So he ran.

    And there are any number of other possibilities which really aren’t useful exploring.

    Grief takes time. And during this time I want you to take extra gentle, loving care of you. Spend time with YOU, lavishing love on yourself through whatever ways feel good to you if only a little. Self care rituals are so important during times like these, paying close attention to the sensual aspects, what things FEEL like as you gently care for yourself – for example, bathing rituals complete with candles where you will tenderly cleanse your body and spirit and take in ALL the sensations, where you can give love to yourself and receive it all at once.

    Meditation is wonderful for staying present as well as for calming and soothing you. Yoga too.

    Immerse yourself in anything which fires you up, your passions, anything to do with the arts, eg. dance, painting, crafts, music, and so on.

    And/or anything which makes you feel good if only a little.

    Surround yourself with people who make you smile, if only a little.

    Please be patient with yourself.

    In the meantime, I send you much love.

    xxoo



  14.  #14LINDA on November 18, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    One thread back it think it was Andrea that was sharing about her date with a man who totally turned her off.. and how she became more concerned about him and his feelings at the expense of hers.

    I can totally relate to this. Just sayin… sigh



  15.  #15Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    Linda – 12 – Maybe the distinction you need to make is that taking care of YOU is NOT being selfish. Speaking up doesn’t mean being inconsiderate, unreasonable, or withholding.

    Maybe you need some help expressing yourself in certain situations?

    xxoo



  16.  #16lilo on November 18, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    So the guy i was seeing told me that he didnt want to be friends with me. At first i was not happy but now i respect his decision. He was very toxic and did not make me happy, so in a way he is making me a favor, but there is one thing that i cant let go. I know that Rori says that we are not allowed to beat ourselfs up, but is so hard for me not to think in all the things that i did wrong, all the leaning foward. I also feel so ashamed that i hope i will never see him again. Im in a hiding mode right now. I dont know how to deal with this. (English is not my first language, so i hope this make sence.)



  17.  #17Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    lilo – Look at this as a learning experience. He wasn’t right for you anyway. And now going forward, you will be armed with better ways of doing things and more importantly BEing in a relationship.

    xxoo



  18.  #18Femininewoman on November 18, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Tammy as far as I am concerned I don’t believe any of the questions you are asking is not true about you. I also find myself questioning whether he was truly into you as you say. At that age most men know what they want in their life.



  19.  #19LINDA on November 18, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Tammy. My heart goes out to you . What you wrote sends me back to a time when I first found this blog and community seven years ago. I was so deeply profoundly in love with a man who abundantly showered me with what you described you have found with this man. One day he pooooofed on me without warning. I could not function, eat or sleep. I lost 40 pounds and often it was so bad that my skin literally ached and pain would shoot thru my body. Grief overwhelmed me and was my constant companion for months. Remembering this time in my life causes me to have a great empathy and compassion for you.

    As I read what you wrote, your words reveal his inability or unwillingness to commit to an “all in” relationship. He seemed willing to visit and but unwilling to let himself stay. I found myself questioning “why”?? and wondering what is really directing his decision making deep down. THere is more than meets the eye I suspect. Nevertheless that is HIS stuff and out of our control.

    In my situation.. he would often say.”if you REALLY knew me would you even like me”?? I never understood why he said that…until time exposed it all to me. Once I saw it all….I felt so duped and sickened by the thought of ever being in the same room with him.

    What you see right now is just like a small piece of ice above the water.. but often what we dont see is like the iceburg that sank the titantic!

    I am sending you hugs. THis is a great place to discover and heal… at least is has been for me.



  20.  #20LINDA on November 18, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Yes Dominique I agree. I am just Not sure how to flip this in my belief system.

    I need to see this thru a different pair of glasses . Admitting it opening the door perhaps.

    I am seeing that since my separation and divorce I have compartmentalized my life and now I need to blend it together. It worked for a while but now it because I have outgrown the limitations that is set up for me.

    I wonder what words I could use that dislodge this in my life and open up my boundries.



  21.  #21lilo on November 18, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Dear dominique, thanks for your words. My mother said the same thing to me the other day. She told me that she was glad that this happend because i was going to learn what works and what doesnt, and when a good guy comes i was going to be a lot more smart. Of course i was so sad that i didnt understand her. The problem is that i dont have a job, so i have a lot of free time. Thinking about something else, and take my mind away from him, and from beating myself is kind a hard right now. I guess i just need time.



  22.  #22CurvySiren10 on November 18, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Wow Linda…I relate to so much of what you say. I’m also struggling with this “compartmentalizing” that you speak about, but I am really unsure how to fix it. And it’s not really working for me either.



  23.  #23Linda on November 18, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Curvy…. maybe we could help each other figure it out.

    I do wish it was a different time of year. The holidays and family stuff just add more issues for me.



  24.  #24Elsie on November 18, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    PREPARE TO BE AMAZED. 🙂

    As many of you know I dated CollegeCD for about 4 and a half months now. He was beyond handsome, so gorgeous, great job, and loved me to bits. But lately he has been pulling away. Not there for me after my divorce. My opinion doesnt matter on big things.

    So, on Friday, I did the thing I have never ever done before. I broke up with a wonderful, fantastic, stunningly gorgeous man…..because he wasn’t what made me feel good, or happy. It was hard. It took hours. All night and the next morning. We both cried, and I wondered several times if I was doing the right thing.

    Am I crazy? I thought….but no. I felt like I would be GRAFTED into his world, and not be a cocooned unit as a family. His ex wife, and his voice would always matter more than mine. He is a wonderful man, and never did anything unkind, its just that now I know that my voice matters. It matters. I matter.

    So when the door closed, I cried a few more minutes, and then…..I stopped. I completely stopped crying. Because my heart knew what it needed.

    My heart needed GS. I knew all along that the endless discussions, the endless talking, the amount of work he had put in in the last 6 months….I just knew. I. JUST. KNEW. It was easy, and so so so clear.

    So, with my eyes still swelled from crying, I jumped in my car. I drove to his house. I have never ever done that before. And I stood on his doorstep. And when he opened the door….he knew. He knew I had made my decision, and that he was the one.

    He wept. We held each other, and at the end of the day, I know I have made the right decision. A weight has been lifted from me. This man has been endlessly proving to me for over 6 months that he wanted to be with me. He fought for me in a way that CollegeCd never could. GS knows my very soul. In fact, I truly believe he is my soul mate. Truly.

    He immediately started planning our future. We will be married. We discussed where we would live. We discussed our children. Our house. New furniture. New cars to carry all 5 of us!. Our dreams. Our plans. Our vacations. Our life.

    I saw him today and we had lunch, and we have already started to look at houses. We have been through everything in the past 2 years, and while it was so hard, it was EXACTLY what both of us needed. I needed someone to pull me out from the depths, and I needed him to break up with me, so that I could date CollegeCd AND ALSO figure out my worth and value. He needed me not to run back to him, so he could figure out my worth and value as well.

    Today is a good good good day. I woke up this morning and started crying from happiness. Literally. Crying. From. Happiness. I have never done that before.

    I am so excited for my life with this man, and our new family. But more importantly, I am so proud that I had the courage to go through this whole process. To leave GS and find CollegeCD. To find MYSELF in the whole process, and make the hard decisions in a prayerful way so that in the end what I needed would show up for me – I just had to believe in myself. 🙂

    Happily Ever After Starts Now. 🙂



  25.  #25Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Linda – 20 – Baby steps. These beliefs didn’t show up overnight, and likely they won’t disappear quickly either.

    For me what helped was to keep repeating to myself that as scary as it might feel, nothing would change until I did. So I would extend a tentative feeler out there, shakily speak my new truth, often terrified of the anticipated backlash only to find that much of the time the reception and outcome were positive.

    The more experience you get, the easier it gets.

    xxoo



  26.  #26Dominique on November 18, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Elsie – I feel so happy for you. I knew your answers would come if you allowed them to, and they did.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  27.  #27CurvySiren10 on November 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Yes Linda…same here. My angst is around the fact that I divorced my ex husband and have had some regrets. Well, the reality is that I do not regret leaving the relationship but I deeply regret the “destruction” of my family unit. My kids are fine. They are doing well and our relationship is very strong, but I have a deep resistance to ‘blending’ my new life into the old. That’s why your words resonate so deeply with me. It’s really hurting me and yes, last year at this time I remember it surfacing very heavily (holiday season) and now, here I am again. I’m in a very good, solid relationship but I feel guilt and remorse every single day and often fantasize about ‘going back’ as if that is the only cure to feeling this way. I know intellectually this is not true because I am so happy in so many ways to be free of that relationship…but I can’t seem to reconcile it all and like you, my kids are not very open/accepting of my ‘new life’. They are fine as long as I keep it to myself. Does this make any sense or resonate with you at all?

    Thanks for sharing your story here. It’s really helping me.



  28.  #28Elsie on November 18, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    For what its worth, I have to thank Rori, Dominique, Mercedes, Christian Carter, Alison Armstrong, every siren on here.

    This process took me almost two years. Two LONG years of working, thinking, writing, crying, journaling, and making many many mistakes.

    But without all of you sharing your stories, and helping me, I would not be here today in the healthy place that I am.

    I will never stop learning and growing. But my boundaries are clear, and if anyone, including GS ever step past my dealbreakers, then I know I am worth more. I will cherish being alone, more than I will ever crave being with someone who is not worthy of me. Its so different saying it and really really really believing it.

    Anyway – I didnt say thank you in my last post, and it is very much deserved to all of you. My life would literally literally literally not be the same without all of you in it. So, thank you.



  29.  #29mary on November 18, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    hello Elsie!

    OH MY GOODNESS! what a story!

    i love it sooooooooooo much.

    thank you for letting us know!

    oh my oh my oh my…

    i’m very glad for you !! ! !!!

    i love the part about KNOWING, and just going over to his house, and risking everything, and him coming to the door and also KNOWING. and then crying. and then committing.

    what – a – guy!

    WOW!

    i just want to sit down with you and look you in the eyes and hear more details!

    this is good news for me too, in some kind of way (that i’m not sure about! since i don’t know you, but i feel so wonderful reading this!) i guess it’s just always beautiful to hear a story with a happy ending! and a new beginning!

    thank you for telling us about it.



  30.  #30mary on November 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    WOW!

    this is my favorite post ever!
    it’s so simple.
    and so profoundly easy.

    although i am very partial to those posts about “get on your horse and RIDE!”

    and i guess you always have to be ready to do that, eh, if you’re honest with yourself? and you don’t like all the information you get when you do this one, little, tiny exercise?

    oh my.

    i’m so glad i logged on and read this!

    i’m keeping it.

    thank you Rori.

    love,

    Mary



  31.  #31mary on November 18, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    hi Tinque!



  32.  #32Linda on November 18, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Elise… isnt it wonderful when answers come and decisions are made.

    Rest in your choice… hugs



  33.  #33Linda on November 18, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Curvy… yes it ALLL resonates. TO the letter!

    I took a step toward trying to silence that voice inside me in September after I broke things off with FavoriteCD. I actually spoke to my ex husband about the regrets for tearing the family apart etc. I thought that it would perhaps cause things to align in my heart… but it hasnt. Reality is the reasons I left are still very much there. Sure there are things that feel familiar and safe that I miss… it is easy to walk in the roles we did for so many years… but that is not what will afford me total happiness I have tried to make a place for in my life to gain family unity alone is not a reason to reconcile. Breaching this subject has helped me understand what I feel is a great deal of respect and admiration and not that I am still in love with him. Guilt disguises itself and can be a powerful force and motivator but my personal growth will not surrender it gained ground either.

    On the subject of resistance to blending my life…my kids attitudes have made it so harder and I sadly chose a path of least resistance. My daughters are most supportive and accepting of me when I am not seeing anybody. I am tired of conditional acceptance.

    So here I am writing all this… and I get a text from one of my daughters… “Mom is dad invited to thanksgiving”? I just want to crawl in a hole!



  34.  #34Femininewoman on November 18, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Elsie all I can say is wow. This experience is proof positive that no matter what challenge life brings you you have what it takes to weather any storm. I feel like a big exhale.



  35.  #35Tereana on November 18, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    Elsie, that is so wonderful! I nearly had years of joy just ceasing what you wrote. I can tell how happy you feel!

    Many, many blessings on this 🙂



  36.  #36Tereana on November 18, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Elsie, that is so wonderful! I nearly had tears of joy just ceasing what you wrote. I can tell how happy you feel!

    Many, many blessings on this 🙂



  37.  #37Tereana on November 18, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Oops – I think I may have posted a series of things that was supposed to be one thing – with edits. Oops! 🙂



  38.  #38Linda on November 18, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Thanksgiving…ahhh yes…my mother announced at a birthday party in October to my girls..”your uncle(my brother) wants us to come to his house for thanksgiving”… I dont even want to go. . My kids seemed like they accepted out of duty to my mom.

    I have never been free to enjoy a holiday without it including an expectation that my ex husband was naturally invited and welcome.

    I made this worse by talking to their dad in September and my kids have found out about it.

    On top of all of that FavoriteCD is sorta in the picture… he has resurfaced and as FW predicted… has been a completely different man since his mother died… losing her and me cause a huge shift in him.

    I want to choose what I want and not perform to everybodies expectations… not even FavoriteCD’s!



  39.  #39Tereana on November 18, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I have been feeling very “expressed” lately. All of this work with feeling messages has led me to get evening bold – but also more careful – with expressing myself to my family, to men, and to my friends. Or even complete strangers!

    And interestingly, as I continue to practice “letting go” of the idea of getting a particular result – I generally find that inenjoybthe results more!

    This is really fun to notice.

    And I am beating myself up less. When I feel bad, I notice my inner voice being nasty, and I change the thoughts around, and inevitably I feel better. I can observe other things about me – both “good” and “bad.” I learn and adjust, and learn and grow.

    But the feeling of expression is just so great. I could really get used to this feeling : )



  40.  #40Tammy on November 18, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Oh my goodness Elsie, I am literally weeping for your happiness and the realization that there is hope!



  41.  #41Syreena on November 18, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Wishing you lots of happiness Elsie.



  42.  #42Tammy on November 18, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Dominique- thank you for the words of encouragement! You know as much as I have cried and pondered and talked and prayed over this situation I did not get much clarity until I wrote about it today on this post. Why? I have realized lately that I must not value myself as much as I do others or I would not do or put up with what feels bad. So, I have decided to love myself! Be sweet to myself- after years and years of pouring myself out on my dear babies, husbands, boyfriends, everyone! I am finally going to treat myself to racquetball lessons- I have always wanted to play! Going to start a fundraiser-gasp! And possibly a business. I am going to make myself pretty everyday no matter how rotten I may feel! Biggest self love thing is that I am practicing just enjoying each and every moment and just being in the here and now! These things I can control-even when I miss him and hurt!



  43.  #43Tammy on November 18, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Linda-thank you for sharing! My grief has been as you described yours as being and honestly I have been feeling guilty about it because no one has died! But grief is the only way I can describe it! I lost 20lbs in one month!
    I cannot say for certainty that he is gone for good- he has “disappeared” many times before! The suspense hurts do much! In the past year, he has gone anywhere from a week to a couple months between times in contacting me. He says that he gets to a breaking point in his life and can’t handle the stress any longer and that I am the only one that makes him feel whole again.
    He also tells me little tidbits about his life in a small town: * that people are jealous of him because of his prosperity and are mean to him * that he could get any woman in that town he wants if he decides to go after her * that people are constantly making up rumors to hurt him

    One of his biggest fantasies is to have a super hot wife that all the guys in his town would want and all the women would envy and hate. He reminds me that he used to date models- that women have thrown themselves at him because he was an athlete. That his ideal was to settle down at 50 with a 35 ish fake booby, model-like blond who has no children and is willing to give up career and life and travel world with him. I told him ‘good luck with that!’ Then he turns round and says I am sexiest woman he has ever been with- and I am nothing like his goal woman! Makes you want to gag, doesn’t it!



  44.  #44Cris on November 18, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    @Elsie, thanks for sharing your story!! I like your writing style very much! As we say in Spain, “joder, joder, joder!!!” (and sorry to those who understand lol).

    all my best wishes to you and remember that your journey still continues

    xoxoxo



  45.  #45ana on November 19, 2013 at 12:29 am

    Is dificult we woman want the why? we think if we can find it we will some how fix things and turn them around I had many fights with my housband about he waning to hang out with his girl friends his porn and I knew I had to go to school I was very fragil part of me hated myself for been this ” insecure woman wich became silent because of constantly walking on eggshells one day I finally went to the mental health deparment in my school wich is free. As I explain all my issues on what I will like to work on I rember teling my therapyst, I am angry at my self because I know the old me will not have tolerate this things and now I am afraid. She ask me what if we work on your self comfidece? I broke in tears is like some one finally reach the most sensitive part of my self I try to be so strong all this time. This has been so helpfull I shift my focus on him I went to school I will do my hair I slowly but suerly rember what it was to be my self what makes me happy and to stop tring to say the right thing all the times amd worry about the outcome. Is funny because my therapist dose not t judge me bad or said he is a bad guy. She has train me to realy have a better dialoge with my self sudenly i became more productive I did not give in arguments I stop riding the rollercoaster. I still have anxaity coming at times and some negative feelings from time to time but i really can see I ll be ok no mater the outcome but If you are not ok with yourself then you are not fine I did went to counceling to save my marriage but for my self and it has help to have a better dialogue with my self to stop and think on what I feel ! and there is nothing desapointing about imbesting in oneself happines sure now wen my negative voices come I ask my self what can I do with this time to help make my self happy? It is alwayz my choice.
    Love your self no mater who you are in love with.



  46.  #46Femininewoman on November 19, 2013 at 2:08 am

    RE 43 Yep. Why would a man tell a woman he is with about his ideal woman? I know Rori says don’t ask why but in this case I would. And for me the answer would be because he doesn’t want what he has. All that bragging seems to me like a subliminal threat that he has options so you’d better be the loyal good woman. Maybe what he needs is so drama.



  47.  #47Epiphyllum on November 19, 2013 at 4:52 am

    Elsie

    Thanks for sharing your incredible love story! I feel very happy for you being able to make such a decision which feels so good to you, while feeling amazed of how sentiments changed so unpredictably in romantic love!

    Wishing you a happily ever after! God bless you!



  48.  #48CurvySiren10 on November 19, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Linda~ Yes! “Guilt disguises itself and can be a powerful force and motivator”. Sigh…how I wish I knew how to tame that beast. I know it’s a futile endeavor (guilt) but I can’t seem to shake it.

    I, too am “tired of conditional acceptance” yet I really do make a lot of decisions around the fears of exposing my kids to my “other” life. LIke you, I know I am not in love with the ex anymore, but I often feel like who cares…I should just make everyone else happy and be with him anyway.

    I have to get to the bottom of this or I’m afraid no matter what else I do, I won’t be really happy.

    So how has FavoriteCD changed/reemerged for you Linda?? I am curious….



  49.  #49Dominique on November 19, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Mary!!! – I always love seeing you when you pop in. I would love to chat with you, catch up.

    xxoo



  50.  #50Dominique on November 19, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Tammy – 42 – YAY you!!!. My heart expanded reading this. When in doubt, choose YOU. And you did. 🙂

    xxoo



  51.  #51Margo on November 19, 2013 at 8:10 am

    @ 43 Tammy, he lied. I felts disgust when read his words in your last post. It just very low. This man is like a bad apple: looks really appealing outside but is very rotten inside. You can’t eat him, you can’t even possibly want something that is so bad.

    I recently went through “great love”, when a man did so much for me – gave up his dream career, so he can stay as close as possible to me, jeopardized his legal status in US (he is on working visa), but with all these great things, and super hot sex, he still lied badly and cheated… Actually that betrayal ended up in a woman’s pregnancy and a birth of his son… And when i tried to leave many times it was always “you are ungrateful person, you don’t value that i destroyed my career for you, etc.,etc.” He “destroyed” his career by making $60K when we met and now making $135K… But i believed him… because if you love someone, you want to trust him and it’s easy to feel guilty.

    I am also in a anger/grief period. But i am so happy that i am finally done with this. Because while going through hell, i got so much closer to myself. And while i realize that i am addicted to pain and pleasure (you maybe also addicted to that sexual pleasure/emotional pain thing), i now know that it is not real and it’s not love and i really don’t want this crap in my life. Life is so short and i want to be here and enjoy every moment that i have left on this planet. I want to know that i am true to myself and i appreciate all the good people around me and dont waste my energy for those who really don’t need my love. I am not over my addiction yet, but i was able to break the pattern and i am on my way to recovery and i feel like no matter what happens in the future it will be better than it used to be in the last three years.

    Read and listen/watch Rori. Read other books on addiction and meditate, get more aware, understand yourself and you will realize – this is not love, this is not ur soulmate, he was here to punish you… You can’t possibly love someone who shows up once in few months to f**ck you (sorry for the language) and then disappears to do the same to others. You are just one of many and he sings the same song to every other woman. Because, one thing is true – if a man loves you and wants to be with you, there is no force on a planet that can stop him.



  52.  #52Indigo on November 19, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Linda,
    When I read about your daughters’ conditional acceptance of you it makes me feel angry on your behalf. I come from a disjointed family unit where my parents were divorced, and I was not given the luxury of “not accepting” my parents respective new partners. Of course in my dad’s case this was taken to an extreme and my brother and I were made to put up a woman who was every inch the cruel stepmother. And yet, despite that horrible experience, the fact was we were made to know that we needed to accept the situation, not to expect that my parents would get back together, and to make the best of it. I am glad for that, for my own sake. Because I did not spend years being messed up over the fact that my parents got divorced. I just got on with it and found peace. I don’t know, I can’t help wanting to be the good friend to you and want to sit your daughters down and say that they don’t have to like it but that’s the way it is, that you would like their support and acceptance, and you won’t listen to any more cajoling about getting back together with their dad. That you will also listen to and value their feelings, but you won’t be manipulated or pressured with sulking or pouting. That they don’t have to like the person you are dating but everyone, including them, would be a lot happier if they could be accepting and supportive rather than going against the grain.

    Sorry Linda, I know it sounds sassy and possibly not at all what you want to say, yet I think if it were me I would get to that point! It just makes me sad to see others disapproving of the choices of the ones they love when they could give the gift of acceptance.

    Love to you xx



  53.  #53Tammy on November 19, 2013 at 9:26 am

    RE 45 Femininewoman you have great insights! I agree that he likes to feel in control and I think he desires admiration – he points out a lot that not many men his age look like him, are as athletic, successful, or as loving and nice. I remind him all the time that those outer things are not what what I like about him. I have not told him so, but it is obvious to me that he is insecure or he would not feel need to remind me of these attributes. Or maybe, possibly, I really do make him nervous like he has said before. He has told me that it takes a lot of man to be with me. That I am intimidating! Ugh! So frustrating! I am just a little girl who just wants to be really known!
    Good news is when he points out he is accustomed to dating Pamela Lee types, I am not jealous! It took me years to get past being jealous of other women- I have my exhusband- huge cheater-to thank for that! I have grown to realize each woman has her own beauty- no flavor is better than the other!
    I wonder if I really do surprise him, I am a girl- next -door type who embraces her own sexiness and have fought through many,many obstacles with sanity almost still intact. And he sees that I am not trying to impress him. I believe in being real- all my imperfections are out there for the world to see. He strives to be perfect and I embrace quirks- go figure!

    Or maybe he is trying to say that someone so ordinary should thank their lucky stars that an extraordinary man is with them? Why does he seem to contradict himself so much!? Well, all I know is I can’t jump into his head and really see what is going on in there!



  54.  #54Tammy on November 19, 2013 at 9:41 am

    RE 50. Have to say I agree with you Indigo- Linda your daughters should not use their disapproval as tool. I speak from experience.
    I have to say though, the times my teenage daughters did not like someone there turned out to be a good reason. I think, perhaps, it would be healthy to sit down with your kids and have a good non-judgemental heart-to-heart. My girls and I do this often and it works wonders! I set the stage by saying they can express their thoughts and feelings absolutely openly with me and I with them. We promise to try not to judge and give each other permission to express anger, sadness, joy etc. We really work on hearing the why behind our actions. We hang in there until we come to a peaceful end. This process is NOT for the faint hearted! My girls have brutally exposed my shortcomings and wanted me to be accountable! But, I do the same in return- although I hope in my maturity I am gentle with them. A lot of healing comes from honest communication. And many times we have found that our disagreements were simple misunderstandings!
    My heart goes out to you Linda!



  55.  #55Indigo on November 19, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Tammy 52,

    Like like like!

    You sound like a fabulous mom, and I really like the commitment to authenticity which comes across. I so agree with what you say here:

    “I have grown to realize each woman has her own beauty- no flavor is better than the other!”

    Such a huge and important place to be at, to recognize that each has their own totally unique beauty, and hence there is no point being jealous of other women.



  56.  #56Lisa on November 19, 2013 at 10:47 am

    @Elsie I am soooo happy for you, with you! I had a feeling after writing my last post about it, that I’d gotten it all wrong… and I’m so happy I was wrong… I’m so happy your intuition came through and your so excited and clear and in love…. <3

    "S" calls me frequently…. it's so wonderful! he wants to hear my voice he misses me already just been 1.5 days… and always ask me is there anything he can do for you……

    He lets me know he thinks about me during the day… and ask if it is ok if he calls me later…

    my heart was opening more this morning and I almost vomited from the mere unusual transition that was going on inside me of letting go of the idea that there isn't anyone for me… and the shift is happening and the wonderful part is, I can tell him that… he gets it… he said "I suspect that is just normal that I'm bringing stuff up for you"… I love that… I'm sitting here crying now… my heart is opening more and more… I'm allowing him in…. b/c he is deserving of it… and he is so respectful of me and my feelings…he thanks me frequently just for being me…

    I have NO clue where this is going, but right now – I'm in awe! total awe of having him in my life right now and the wonderful things that he is bringing to me life now…. I'm so blessed…

    I can't stop crying … it is just pouring out of me…

    OXOXO



  57.  #57Lisa on November 19, 2013 at 11:45 am

    @Indigo wow… I’m sorry to hear that… stepmother nightmare… makes me really have deep compassion for my children and others that have dated while their children were small..

    I do ask my children how they feel about the person I’m dating…. but your story really makes me ponder it more….

    OXOXO



  58.  #58Tammy on November 19, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Domiinique- wow! It is good to know I expanded a heart! I have been so broken lately and sharing with you wonderful ladies has helped so much! Thank you thank you thank you!



  59.  #59Veronica on November 19, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I like Rori’s post – I keep feeling through the suggestions and I find it freeing to return to ‘how do I feel in this’. I can sense the power shift that happens.



  60.  #60Linda on November 19, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    @ 43 Tammy… Grief is not reserved for “death” only but that is what we most commonly associate it with. Grief is associated with loss. That feeling that comes when we loose something that is really important to us. A co-worker of mine has been grieving the lost of jewelry that was stolen from her home that belonged to her mother who has passed away. I felt grief when my youngest daughter sang her last solo on stage her senior year because I knew it was the end of a really important season in her life. I could go on. Please dont feel you are over reacting.. you are feeling a great loss. Naturally you are grieving. Hugs to you!

    THe more you post the more I see a common theme. The comments he has made to you over time.. leave me with a icky feeling. Since this seems to be a repetitive pattern and I would be asking myself what is it in myself keeps me engaged in this type of relationship. It feels emotional abusive. What is really standing in his way of his and your happiness is HIM. For what its worth… he feels like a very unhealthy man with lots of issues and shallowness.

    What do you value most and want for you.?
    People will treat you the way you let them every time… how do you want to be treated. Start with treating yourself that way and feel how wonderful that feels. It is addictive!

    As far as my situation with my daughters… i am getting ready to do just what you suggested. Some of the things you wrote feel very doable and pragmatic in approach which is fits my personality well. Thank you!



  61.  #61Veronica on November 19, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I’m having those yearning wishing-I-was-in-regular-contact urges. Ugh.



  62.  #62Linda on November 19, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    @ 50 Indigo… A little gentle sassiness feels appropriate here with my girls.

    Part of my issue is self created by me compartmentalizing my life to maintain relationships with them. My daughters are bigger than what they are allowing themselves to be right now. I have not pushed for them to expand. They are both very beautiful young women. I have been doing some reading about older children and divorce… their feeling matter to me but I have let them control me too which I fully take responsibility for.

    Thank you for sharing your insights and experience. Your words have planted seed in my heart.



  63.  #63Millie on November 19, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Reposting from last thread, didn’t see the new one!

    Thank you all for all your kind advice!! I have lots to share! Where I left off was I wasn’t sure if my dinners with mechanic were dates or not… I didn’t ask. I agree liquid light that that would ruin some of the mystery! Sat night me hw if had an art show. It was my brothers bday so I told him I would try to come after. I didn’t end up making it… But he noticed! Sunday he was very chatty with me and I had a mutual girlfriend over at my new apt. I told him I couldn’t talk cuz she was visiting, but he wanted to go to dinner with both of us. He ended up coming over and lighting my pilot light and we all went to dinner. My girlfriend is very very outgoing and very flirty. I am a social person but I felt myself receding in her energy. I became kind of quiet. Mechanic invited another guy and the four of us were going to a party. He made a comment about me being a quiet person and I felt like oh is that bad? Do people like me less because I’m not as loud as the others? At the party my gf was all over him, being very flirty. But I liked that even though it was crowded he seemed to be aware of me. Aware of who was buying me drinks, aware if where I left my drink, he can dance but is selective about it and extended his hand to dance with me! It was great! I felt special and let my face snuggle into his shirt. We talked alone for a bit and I shared that I had felt self conscious about not being as outgoing as everyone else. He was very sweet and said that he didn’t mean it negatively, just that we are all different…. And it’s ok. It doesn’t mean he likes me any less and he put his hand on mine. Earlier we had another time alone but it had felt very uncomfortable for some reason. I brought it up and he said no it wasnt that at all just he was concerned about his truck.(it had a problem that night) I felt relieved and also very girly because we women always seem to think a mans withdrawal is about us when it sometimes isn’t at all!! I’m going to post in parts since I’m writing on my phone. And it’s long

    Later in in the night my girlfriend, lets call her Lucy. Initially Lucy told me she likes him for me, but now she says he’s not the guy for me. I felt bothered because she seems to also be very critical of me but at the same time does exactly what she advised me not to. All night she was all flirty with mechanic even though they both say they are friends. I beleive him. Her I’m not so sure…. She said that its obvious to him that I’m interested. I asked why did he say something? And she said no… But he’s a man he can tell. Button up your shirt. Your body language and your low cut shirt is speaking so loudly. I was offended. First if all I’d been wearing that outfit all day and it had nothing to do with him. Second her body language is off the hook…. I wasnt trying or going out of my way to fling myself at him. I was just being me. It really bothers me how she is so critical. Later on, I was sitting next to him and he put his arm over the chair so his hand was resting in my shoulder. All of my friends spent the night at my house, the four of us. And as we sat he pulled me in and started cuddling. We ended up kissing and such… No sex. In the morning I wondered if now he is going to pull away, but he hasn’t. He started texting right away and being very nice asking how I am…. So I feel ok with what happened. I also feel ok with not knowing what’s going to happen next. Whether the previous nights were dates or not… It doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s ahead and I feel at ease with the unknown. The fact that he didn’t pull away helps a lot….so we will see what happens with this chapter.

    On another note, yesterday I also had a dog park/coffee date with another guy. He was very nice and I liked his demeanor and personality a lot. The only thing is he says “dude” a lot and calls me dude. Must speak up about that. I have less to say about this guy, but I got a good feeling from the date and it seems he wants to go out again. Side note… I cancelled on him twice before this date happened and he still wanted to go! I was surprised!



  64.  #64Millie on November 19, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    when I step back and ask myself “how do I feel with him?” I find it hard to separate how I’m feeling about myself, how I feel about him, and how I feel about the interaction between us. I don’t feel the same way all the time about myself or in his presence. I’m looking forward to exploring this more…



  65.  #65Tammy on November 19, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Wow Millie- not to be ugly but I would dump “Lucy” and quick! A real friend would not try to whore your date away from you! I had a “friend” like that once and found out from a man in a bar that he was very interested in me but my “friend” kept blocking his access to me. Later, she bragged about how crazy he was about her. Turns out she stole money from my another love interest of mine and was trying to destroy my reputation with him! I dumped her and have not regretted it!



  66.  #66Turquoise on November 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Wow Elsie, sounds amazing! I hope it turns out to be all you want! 🙂 Congratulations!!!!



  67.  #67Linda on November 19, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    @ 47.. Curvy I was feeling so alone and trapped by my thoughts and situation. Some days I am mad others I am so sad. It pains me to say this but I have been feeling ashamed and embarased to even share any of this. It feels like I am stuck in a web, part of which I loath and want free of and part of which I helped spin and maintain. The disfunction of it all is what I feel the most ashamed of. Kinda like…Linda.. you made these choices and created your bed.. Now l have to lay in it. or… choices cause consequenses so I just have to deal with them. Is that self punishing or… being a realist? sigh

    It is amazing me to read what you are sharing. Have you been living in my skin? Thinking my thoughts? Wow!

    Dominique shared at post 25… this…”Baby steps. These beliefs didn’t show up overnight, and likely they won’t disappear quickly either…For me what helped was to keep repeating to myself that as scary as it might feel, nothing would change until I did. ….. well you cant get any more black and white that but when I actually set out to “DO” something about all this… I feel frozen and it gets all muddled and fuzzy.

    I feel fear, plain and simple.

    Interestingly… I just about had resigned myself to what you entertained…I know I am not in love with the ex anymore, but I often feel like who cares…I should just make everyone else happy and be with him anyway.” He does care for me still.. he has admitted it.

    On November 1st I had a small birthday surprise dinner for my mother and my kids, son-in-law grandchildren and my ex husband showed up. I sat at the table listening to them all talking joking laughing… and I sunk into my feelings. I felt panic! It was like I floated out of my body and observed. I was just eating.. not talking, engaged. It made me shout on the inside..THis is NOT what I should do.. it feels reallllly bad to me..I CANT do this!….when I opened the door and seriously flirted with just giving in to appease guilt…it as not the answer to anything.

    Like you I really want to be happy. Like you I want to get to the bottom of the. THis created undercurrent in my relationship with FavoriteCD too. Is it affecting your relationship?



  68.  #68Tammy on November 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Ok can someone help with the lingo please? What is a CD. HW, ETC?☺️



  69.  #69Daria on November 19, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    sometimes when someone shares a story where they lean forward and the primary outcome feels good i feel like EEEEEK

    and i feel like a stone wall

    and i feel more like a stone wall when other people around are like thats great!!!

    and im like AAACK that sounds like you’re going DOWN (to me)

    so i feel kinda scared and trembly in my chest under my stone wall feeling

    and i dont know what to do

    I could fake to feel and express similar sentiments to the toher people

    or i could just keep quiet? and stone wall and fake a small smile?

    i dont want to fake anything

    pfffffff

    I LOVE MYSELF



  70.  #70Daria on November 19, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    I wonder if Rori just backdoors her thoughts/fears of what seems like it might go wrong and says yay when one of the clients has an experience that makes her feel good in the moment

    I wonder how I could get there

    maybe i just feel shut down by fear

    ?

    maybe this is affecting my experiences over all

    when something good happens maybe it has to happen ‘by the book’ for me not to change it with worry energy

    hmmm

    but its also kinda like … ok if what comes up for me is UHOH

    smh

    i feel alone

    i wonder how to handle this in a way that feels good for me

    and not like im making myself smaller/hiding

    or shutting myself down in order not to what i think is hurt someone else



  71.  #71Linda on November 19, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Curvy you asked about FavoriteCD… it seems that the death of his mother has had a very significant impact on him. His speech, and demeanor and behaviors are not edgy or demanding. I can say that the times I have talked with the few times I have agreed to spend some time with him I have been treated like a “gift”. He said he sees how his anger has held him hostage and that how pride has served only to separate and rob him. He regrets the time he spent being angry at things that really just dont matter at all and the loss of time that he can not regain.

    There is a softness and thankfulness in him that has emerged. I sense a genuine desire to just not fight anymore, and has gone out of his way to reconcile the broken things and relationships between he and his siblings.

    He said there is such feels a void in his life without me how large it was until I was gone. He has asked for forgiveness for the times he has offended and yelled and picked at me, behaving a fool and not been the man he knew he should have been to me.

    These are all things that have knocked at the door of my heart . His presence is not demanding but giving and grateful.

    When I read the post earlier from t-girl about stages of relationships…(warming,storming…etc) I wondered what if I passed the storming phase with him. I dont know but maybe.

    The other day… I realized that how I felt with him as a woman is exactly how I wanted to feel for the rest of my life. I dont know if it will be with him but he certainly is has shown me how wonderful it feels to be desired and wanted. He sees me thru eyes that ignite something in me.

    It is definately a whole different vibe with him now. It feels surprisingly interesting and has gotten my attention.



  72.  #72Linda on November 19, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    Tammy -CD = circular date

    hw – hmmm lol I dunno?



  73.  #73Daria on November 19, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    I feel excited! I found another way to eat my Seaweed Granules (very Strong eeeh tasting, even for me who likes wild tastes)…

    so now i don’t need to mix it with bread and butter…

    just sprinkle it by tablespoon on my … AVOCADO!!!

    it didn’t matter how much I put on, I really couldn’t taste it at all. It might even be cool to taste it a lil bit lol



  74.  #74Daria on November 19, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    yay now i can eat enormous amounts of seaweed 1-3 oz a day

    and see if my morning baseline temp goes up like it would with thyroid supplements

    feeling like rolling my eyes up with pleasure



  75.  #75Lisa on November 19, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    @Daria <3 Yay you can do lots of seaweed… nice!

    @Elsie so happy for you! Glad that voice came out loud and clear! YOu go Girl! Be happy!!!

    Well I had this wonderful post today but it is moderation.. no reason why… except I used another e-mail address b/c the one I normally use has been acting up…

    OH well… short version

    "S" is amazing… calls me every day, ask how my day is going, thanks me for being ME… tells me he is falling for me… today called twice to hear my voice and say he can't stop thinking of me…

    He respects me in such a way that my heart is opening up to him little by little, b/c he is worthy of it… (so far) he has respect for my growth, asks if there is anything he can do for me every day…tells me it is his job to revere me…. we laugh so much and sometimes for no reason… we have long periods of silence which I love… and it isn't awkward… it's nice… big tears, tears… I have no idea where this is going… but I'm soooo grateful for him right now! I'm really not expecting it to be anything other than right now… I'm so amazed that I have attracted a man like this…

    someone pinch me… I don't want to wait on the other shoe to drop…. can this really be real??

    tears, tears….. opening my heart to a man that has compassion and is totally ( so far ) interested in who I am… feels good….

    XOXO



  76.  #76CurvySiren10 on November 19, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Linda, wow…this is really blowing my mind. Every time I read anything you wrote about your daughters and your feelings about leaving your marriage I nodded along and felt like reaching out to you, but I never did because I have been holding this mostly inside of myself.

    And YES it has greatly affected my relationship which happens to be the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and I often feel like I am sabotaging it by not reconciling my life properly. And something you said earlier really struck me….”Part of my issue is self created by me compartmentalizing my life to maintain relationships with them.” This is precisely what I’m doing and I really feel like until/unless I am authentic with them- and myself-, I am not going to have any real peace and serenity.

    The story about your ex at the birthday party also spoke to me. It’s only in the guilt-ridden recesses of my mind that I can actually entertain the idea of “going back”, but when I’m dealing with the reality of it (being around him for example) I also get somewhat panicky and fearful of what that would actually mean to me. It would honestly feel like giving up and just ticking away the years. This is really hard to articulate properly. But I know it would solely be for the benefit of easing my conscience and making my kids happy. I have grown to the point where that existence just doesn’t even seem possible anymore and sometimes that makes me feel sad. Sad for the loss of my dream family and marriage more than anything. This is NOT how I imagined things would ever be.

    Such a complex situation really. It just feels so good not to be ‘alone’. I would actually love to converse with you more about this offline if that makes sense to you. I’ll post my email address if you’re interested.

    This has all been so helpful to me. It just feels incredibly comforting to know someone ‘gets’ this besides me.



  77.  #77CurvySiren10 on November 19, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Linda~ very interesting about the changes with Favorite CD. I will be curious to see how this goes as time passes. But being open and inquisitive about how he has changed is a good idea. To observe if the “giving and grateful” vibe continues…



  78.  #78Tereana on November 19, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Tammy,

    CD = circular date (or dating), as Linda said

    HW might be the initials of someone’s particular CD (we often refer to our “circular dates” – in the sense of men who are our dates – by nicknames or initials)

    Does that help?



  79.  #79Tereana on November 19, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Ooh, I have been feeling so randy lately. Lol!!

    I keep thinking about the man I met right before I left the west coast. Physically, he felt so good to me. He still knows how to turn me on. And he said he could see me as someone he might “fall for” if he stayed around. But he is absolutely commitment-phobic. Maybe even commitment-allergic. And he doesn’t want kids or marriage.

    And theoretically I do want those things.

    But when it comes to guys who want marriage and kids, *I’m* the one who runs screaming. I’m the one who has an “allergic” reaction and shuts down or pulls away. Ugh.

    I think one of the things I like about this guy is that I do feel “free” with him. I like him especially when we are not in a “relationship.” I feel so many good things from him. And he listens to me and responds. So much that at times I have to be careful what I say!

    I am missing my home in California right now. Wow. It must be the cold or something.

    I just chatted online with an old CD from way back. I think he and I can be friends. He is in California, though, so maybe that’s why I miss it!



  80.  #80Indigo on November 19, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Lisa,

    Thanks. I forgave her a long time ago, although I don’t have any relationship with her, but at the time it was very difficult.



  81.  #81Femininewoman on November 20, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Linda all I would say is don’t jump back in with both feet. I would continue to cdate right now. What you want is a new relationship on a clean slate with him if you take him back. Not the old relationship. Maybe some of the anger was related to dealing with his mom’s and his own mortality. We don’t know but the bottom line is that we are all human and we make mistakes. You first though. I would go slow, take time and let him work to prove that it is worth it giving him back his privileged position in your life. I am not saying demand the work of him or even expect it. Just lean back and see what he does like Elsie with GS.



  82.  #82Emerson on November 20, 2013 at 6:58 am

    I feel alot of pressure right now from my work obligations but it is all good stuff.
    I feel a craving for cozy male attention and companionship. I feel a lil bit lonely.
    CutecityCD contacted me and the tables have turned. He was begging me for a date..I said I would think about it. But he only wants to meet on week nights not weekends which I find strange.
    Not sure what to think.
    PreppyCD asked me out too but never followed through.
    I’m noticing this about lots of men…no follow through.



  83.  #83Lisa on November 20, 2013 at 7:01 am

    WOW he called me last night said he can’t end his day without talking to me… said I want to see you as soon as humanly possible… big smile..

    So, it’s hard for me not to fall for this guy right now.. it is so soon and yet it is all happening so fast…. deep conversations, huge realizations that we are on the same page about important aspects of our life…

    This man has done his work! Really!! and in some areas more than me… I’m so excited… it such a turn on…

    When Christian Carter said when it is right it happens fast… I guess I didn’t believe it… and yet my little voice wants to tell me ” how do you know it is right”… and then my mind doesn’t even have to enter into the picture… it just is and I’m not the one having to make the decision about it… it’s just happening…and I’m along for the ride..

    He said he feels safe with me, safe talking to me, safe being himself with me and he says Thank you for that… he says he feels MET…

    He is so open and even vulnerable with me… said he doesn’t want me to feel anxious and that if he says he is going to call then he wants to be that man that calls me… b/c he doesn’t want me to wonder about us… I’m blown away…

    Well for right now! which is all I ever have… its pretty da%$n awesome… and we haven’t even gotten to second base yet…

    We both said last night that this is what we have worked our butts off for to have this kind of relationship…it’s pretty free-ing actually.. just feels natural…

    and as I’m writing this…. I hearing a voice saying humm how many people will think I’m just over exaggerating this… or in cloud 9 overlooking things… oh well… but I’m not.. my eyes are open…

    OXOXO



  84.  #84Cris on November 20, 2013 at 7:15 am

    @Lisa and @Linda… so good news from you!! I am happy 🙂



  85.  #85Femininewoman on November 20, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Linda I read this from Mimi Tanner and it reminded me of your situation:-

    “Yes, you CAN reframe your image in anyone’s mind.

    But it’s VERY hard to do that when you and he are not even in touch with each other.

    What To Do When He Won’t Talk To You!

    It’s even harder to do that when you’re not talking to each other – or ended things on bad terms.

    That causes a LOT of pain. It’s tough to move forward, because one feels consumed by regrets!

    What is the big secret that no one knows about a lot of people…?

    They’re a lot harder on themselves than people would ever imagine!

    When you’re this way, and you live with any kind of regrets, it can literally eat you alive.”

    Especially the part about the big secret.



  86.  #86Emerson on November 20, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I feel bad about some things I said to cutecityCD. he was saying he wants to see me and I said I don’t care ….I’m feeling fed up and frustrated with him but I do still like him lol



  87.  #87Veronica on November 20, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Lisa : ) I really like ‘seeing’ this side of you – I may have said that already before, but yeah, I’m smiling here.



  88.  #88Liquid Light on November 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

    There’s this weird feeling that’s coming up for me. This feeling of love for my ex that I didn’t really feel before. There’s always been reservations deep down. But recently there’s this feeling of pure love for him that I never felt before, no reservations. Of course he’s out of the picture. But at the same time, there’s this feeling that I can now love someone else and not be withdrawn. I’ve been so withdrawn and holding back with so many men recently. I just haven’t been able/willing to open my heart and now with this new revelation, I feel that I can. So crazy!

    I had a date last night. It was very spur of the moment but he kind of went out of his way for me. I had a terrible day at work and was just feeling lousy and all I really wanted was companionship, not a date. But to him it was a date and I went along. I ended up drinking way too much, and couldn’t drive and so I spent the night at his place! We made out but I don’t think we did much more than that (I don’t really remember, that’s awful) Then this morning, I felt really awkward about being there. He had to get up early and take care of his kids and then he drove me to my car. Definitely majorly awkward. I met his daughter which I didn’t really want to do (way to early and we don’t even know if we are dating or not) but she ended up being really cute and that part wasn’t really that uncomfortable.

    Anyway, I’m seeing him in a new light but he’s got two kids by two different women. That kinda makes me uncomfortable. My more open feelings towards him are taking me by surprise since I had totally crossed him off my list.

    I have a date over the weekend with someone who doesn’t have kids and is pretty interesting. I see more potential with us connecting. And given my new found feelings of love and openness (so weird!), I feel like this has very ripe potential. I feel like its all up to me.

    This feels so strange and exciting.



  89.  #89Veronica on November 20, 2013 at 10:59 am

    I might be meeting Fireguy tomorrow. I’m feeling nervous – I don’t want to get hurt. I notice all my soft, tender, very vulnerable and sensitive sitting all outside of me and I feel very exposed – as in what are you all doing out there? And they just stay there, quietly. He’s flirty but mature and so I can’t write him off.

    I like that my soft stuff is all on the outside, but in front of someone else, I don’t know.



  90.  #90Liquid Light on November 20, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Lisa, so so so happy for you! That all sounds so exciting and wonderful!



  91.  #91Lisa on November 20, 2013 at 11:19 am

    @LiquidLight…. thanks!<3 it feels wonderful and exciting….. and a bit strange too… I feel that is a good sign…

    Awesome for you! opening your heart! and yes it can feel strange and exciting… <3 bask in it!

    OXOXO



  92.  #92Lisa on November 20, 2013 at 11:20 am

    @Cris Thanks so much! It feels good to hear from you! <3

    OXOX



  93.  #93Indigo on November 20, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Yay Lisa,

    I am THRILLED to hear you sound so happy.



  94.  #94Sophie on November 20, 2013 at 11:43 am

    i can’t get past his ego defences ugh … i have leaned back to the point of practically reclining but all its done has created more distance and resentment…i just dont want to live in a war zone but he’s shut himself right down and has seemingly no compassion for me

    he’s gone into this defended territory where i am the enemy and although i want to live in peace i also dont feel good being the one to make all the moves allll the time to make things better…

    ideas anyone????

    Lisa ‘yaaayyyyy!!!!@



  95.  #95Sophie on November 20, 2013 at 11:47 am

    he constantly looks for ways in which I ‘don’t appreciate him’ which meant I was bending over backwards to demonstrate appreciation and still not succeeding whilst feeling prettttyyyy unappreciated myself!

    the whole situation is complete madness!



  96.  #96Tammy on November 20, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    RE 51 Margo- thank you for sharing your thoughts on this!
    I have to say I just about vomited when I read the part where you said I could not possibly love someone who shows up every few months to f@€< me. It did not offend me at all! It just made me sad because what you say smacks with common sense but, somehow in my heart I keep believing the best of him and the situation. I am such an honest person and I find it difficult to believe that someone can be so vulnerable and loving and open for hours and days on end and everything can feel so peaceful and right – well I find it hard to believe it is a lie. Don't get me wrong, I am not naive- I know there are liars, cheaters, and just plain mean-spirited people. Heck, I was married to a man for 14 yrs that lied and cheated often through our 20 year relationship. My 2nd husband was excessively mean/ abusive. But with each of those I just knew something was not right in my spirit even before their true natures were revealed. I like to think I learned my lesson.
    With this man, even when he says the hurtful things and disappears I still cling to the belief that he is doing it out of hurt and fear. So many times he has shared good things about his hopes, dreams, and passions that absolutely agree with mine even before I share my heart on theses matters with him. In other words, I don't think he is just telling me what I want to hear to keep me in his bed.
    That said: I have been abused, neglected, rejected over and over again by family and friends and lovers as long as I can remember. I used to think there was something really bad wrong with me. There just had to be something so messed about me to make others treat me so. I always made a point to forgive them and always see the best in them and try to understand them. I never felt loved even though I loved others. I even tried to kill myself twice because the pain is so great! Sometimes there seemed to be no relief or truth in sight. I felt so insignificant and sometimes still do. I am not pinning all my hopes and dreams on this man or any man. It is just that when we are together it is so natural and easy to get along and I truly feel good when with him. It is only when he disappears like he does that I start second guessing my instincts and the intents of his comments. Funny because when I think about some of the things he says, like: Now you see you can get a man like me(meaning good looking, rich, nice). Or when he tells me I am not his usual type. Or says wants to pretend we are married when are together. Or says things like: you know if you were mine I would do this and that for you(but he never does!)
    Well- I think that is really a jerk ass thing to say or think or he is just being open and honest. For the record- I have been told I am very pretty(like that matters!) and smart and nice by many people including this man. But then he turns round and says shit like that. And then rounds it out by saying that his tastes must be changing- he wants something real like what we have together.
    I am utterly confused and fight depression. I have thought it may be a good idea to write him a letter to point the things he says and does and give him a chance to set record straight.
    He has never promised Committment bc he says he is so messed up by past relationship and I don't push for it either. But he full on acts like he wants relationship until five minutes before I have to leave.
    I am trying to just BE- you know just love ME. I fight depression and grief almost every second of the day-i am so tired of being hurt by others! I think maybe I sound pathetic? If I were stronger or something maybe none of this would matter.
    With me feeling like this maybe it is best that I am not in a relationship at all? Though, it would nice to have someone to support me and help me through you know?



  97.  #97janie baby on November 20, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    I haven’t posted on here for a while. Haven’t been keeping up much, but I did wonder what happened with your situation Elsie!!!
    Sounds amazing! Your post made me tear up.
    Could you share a little more about your process?

    I’ve been with a man for 3 years; I love him and I feel deep down he loves me but he’s not showing me and just giving me crumbs right now. I stepped away but now he wants to talk. I feel like I need to break up with him but I’m worried I’m making the wrong decision…I don’t know what to do.



  98.  #98janie baby on November 20, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    I haven’t posted on here for a while. Haven’t been keeping up much, but I did wonder what happened with your situation Elsie!!!
    Sounds amazing! Your post made me tear up.
    Could you share a little more about your process?

    I’ve been with a man for 3 years; I love him and I feel deep down he loves me but he’s not showing me and just giving me crumbs right now. I stepped away but now he wants to talk. I feel like I need to break up with him but I’m worried I’m making the wrong decision…I don’t know what to do.



  99.  #99CurvySiren10 on November 20, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Sophie, this sounds like classic resentment issues in the relationship driving you apart. You mentioned several things that clue me in.

    -Ego defenses
    -distance and resentment
    -he’s shut himself right down
    -no compassion for me
    -i am the enemy

    These are the classic ‘symptoms’ of a relationship that needs cleansing. The key is recognizing that the ISSUES are the problem, not each other. You have to stay on the same side of the net.

    This is a subject i am passionate about.
    Please let me know if I can help…
    sending lots of love xoxo



  100.  #100Sophie on November 20, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    absolutely curvy siren x i completely agree with you x thank you for responding x its just ‘trying to get him’ for want of a better phrase to want (or feel safe enough or whatever) to be on the same side of the net and communicate from a place of the issues are a problem not each other x i could cry tears of frustration every time he turns the conversation onto me v him x and then i eventually lose my cool and give him some back x not lovely x not healthy x and not harmonious x and noooottttt leading by example 🙁



  101.  #101Sophie on November 20, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    99 thank you for the love too 🙂 back to you xxx



  102.  #102CurvySiren10 on November 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    ahh yes Sophie, I really understand. This is an issue that a lot of couples have. Until/if you are both on the same side and ‘fighting’ the issue(s) and not each other, things won’t get resolved. I’d love to share more with you if you’re interested. You can email me through my site (click on my name and it will take you there) if you would like to talk more. meanwhile, I hope you can take a deep breath and take care of yourself xoxo



  103.  #103Sophie on November 20, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    ahhhh wow! lots on your website! I shall definitely explore x thank you very much for your support xxxx I am being a little bit good with the self care…progressively anyway! x thank you!



  104.  #104CurvySiren10 on November 20, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Self care is so important when you’re going through this kind of stuff. Be supremely loving and forgiving to yourself xoxo Please reach out if you’d like to talk more…



  105.  #105Dominique on November 20, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Even though I have permission and am encouraged to do so by Rori, I don’t normally feel comfortable posting my articles except in reference to something going on with one of you. Yet the subject of this week’s article is so important and so little discussed. I hope this helps some of you.

    http://sexandheart.com/you-and-abandonment-fears-in-relationship/

    xxoo



  106.  #106Elsie on November 20, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    HI everyone – ok – trying to find my feet on the ground. Its been a bit of whirlwind the last few days!

    @JanieBaby and others who have asked. My process was very similar to Mercedes. When I let GS go….I *really* let him go. I did not ever in one million years expect him to come back to me. I started dating and even found someone really awesome, but my standards started rising to unprecedented levels. I started believing in my boundaries and that I deserved better. I dont need to chase, what I want either will show up for me, or I dont need it and can take care of myself. I didnt just SAY this….I believed it. To the fiber of my being I believed it. I didnt need to talk about it anymore. I didnt need to wonder or discuss it. It was just who I worked on becoming for over two years.

    So when GS literally showed up on my doorstep one night (literally!) I was floored. But I did NOT take him back. Not for over two months. It took about 6 to 8 hours a day of him talking and texting me each day to try to convince me. I was not having it. I knew where I had been with him. The endless worry. The nervousness. The anxiousness. I was a different person. But, then I started to see….so was he.

    People can change. But not overnight. And not even in a month. And if they do, they have to prove to you that they have. And then even if they have you still have to decide if its enough to take the risk to get involved again.

    When people say lean back…..I did much more than that. I left the zip code. I left the state. I left the continent. I left the planet. I leaned back so far I had no idea where he even was. I was GONE. And not just pretend gone and wondering where he was etc at night. I literally stopped myself from thinking about him and thought about myself and focused on me, and someone new.

    Now things are wonderful with GS. He and I are texting right now.

    We have discussed a budget. Our budget. I have been greenlighted to look at wedding venues, dresses, houses, furniture, unlimited access to his credit card, and whatever I want. We will be married in Spring of 2015 because we need all the kids to get used to this idea – none of them know. We need to sell two houses, and buy a new one, and I need to get a Catholic annulment. 🙂 Lots of stuff to do. The fastest is Spring 2015, so that will be that. Planning is happening at rapid pace. He has already since yesterday picked out the two cars for us (I told him I didnt care LOL) and apparently I’m getting a Toyota Sierra Mini Van which sounds pretty kick A** to me. 🙂 LOL. anyway – HE is the one doing all of it. He cant wait to tell his family next week. They will all fall over. haha.

    The point is that you have to really do the things that Rori, Mercedes, Feminine Woman, and Dominique say. They are right. THEY. ARE. RIGHT. But you have to do it and not just pretend.

    You cant just push the food around your plate and say you ate it – you have to REALLY eat your veggies, and take your medicine, and REALLY do the work. 🙂

    And boy…..does it work. 🙂



  107.  #107Tammy on November 20, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Dominique- I read your article- thanks for making it available! I am an abandonment baby! There is always a gnawing void! Heck, I still desire my mom’s approval -dad passed when I was 9- she can still be incredibly cruel and I am 41 and it still throws me for a loop. You’d think I would be used to it by now.
    I am taking your advice to heart! I want to deal in a healthy manner! Thanks again!



  108.  #108Lisa on November 20, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    @Sophie Thanks so much!!! <3

    @Indigo Thanks so much too! <3

    I'm so happy and though I know that I have no clue where it is going, I still feel good about it..

    He told me today about his fears that were coming up, and we talked about them…

    You know I'm feeling so good about not needing to know where this is going to end up… this feels so great!….

    He says he is falling in love with me… I'm not there yet… and I'm so enjoying just being with him…

    Circle dating today was awesome… at the grocery store… this guy really was looking me in the eyes and smiling and talking to me…

    OXOXO



  109.  #109Dominique on November 20, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Tammy – 🙂

    xxoo



  110.  #110Andrea on November 20, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Sirens!! Woo Hoo!! I am in a totally different hemisphere than where I was a year ago, a month ago.. last week.

    This week I have been concentrating on my new business, a new speaking engagement, and a new position that has opened up in the vocation that I want, and reworking my resume’.

    Last week I had three dates. Two were men from my past CD cycle. One was a new man, but his energy was the same as the men I’m used to dating.
    He called me on Sunday and asked if he was correct in thinking that he and I had a future together. I told him, “No.”
    I told him that I feel so sweet and soft and glowing right now at the though of never seeing him again. It was so strange. I just felt really good about never putting myself in his vicinity again. I felt like I was taking such good care of myself in this way. I was being honest with him and just honoring my feelings without feeling bad about what it might do to him.
    He was able to accept that and we had a good discussion about the kind of person I am now ready to allow into my space.
    He was very agreeable and grateful that I was completely honest with him. It was a wonderful exchange.

    This week, a man contacted me via facebook as we have mutual close friends. He asked if we could meet for coffee today. Totally new energy, new vibe, and I feel so ready to explore this new wave of experiences.
    Another man noticed me when I came out of a meeting this morning. He said I looked so attractive and together and electric. After some discussion he asked me how he could get to know me better. I just gave him my phone number and told him that it would feel wonderful if he ever wanted to call me and set that up.
    Another man whom I have known for a couple years now and had a secret little crush on, sent me a text today and asked me to stop by his Jewelry Store, he had some new art that he wanted to show me. He told me that for some reason it made him think of me. We had the best three hour conversation.. he started out by asking me, “So.. are you in love with anybody right now?”
    I told him, “I date. It seems like recently, I’ve been asked out a lot.”
    He says, “Well, you have this presence about you.”

    : )

    Is this happening?



  111.  #111Indigo on November 20, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Dominique,

    I love your articles and am looking forward to reading this one at work today… definitely pertinent for me.

    xx



  112.  #112Sirenity on November 21, 2013 at 2:20 am

    Tammy ..healing is possible, not only possible but it WILL happen for a strong person like you who has fundamentally good people skills. You just got “lost” somewhere in this nasty dynamic. Rori explains it as being a junkie hanging out . You are looking for a fix from that guy..sexual and attention..its hormonal, its brain patterning . But you CAN get yourself back .

    1. This is not love..its chemical = emotional addiction

    2 Obsessional thinking , constant looping and weight loss are signs of grief and physical hanging out for the fix you are not getting. It really is “love sickness” and it is not love . Its more like obsession and we all do it which is why many of us came here originally, to learn to heal from this.

    3. To heal you need to recognise it is sickness not love.

    4. Next you love on yourself so much and fill your life with distractions and go no contact ..and that , in my opinion must be absolute (please read baggage reclaim.co.uk where all this spelled out )

    5. When your core self esteem is really healed you wouldn’t want a BIT of this guy who demeans you , uses you and DOES NOT WANT a relationship with you . If he did he would be there . Elsie’s story is a lovely example of how men can change , but not without working to change in order to be good enough for you to accept him. GS came back to her having changed EVERYTHING in his life circumstances and attitude because she refused to accept the crumbs he was offering several months ago. She walked away. So probably your man may never be able to “do” relationship (he is 50 and still trying to impress the town with a trophy Barbi??? ) and he may just let you walk..chin up and get moving @!!

    6. This is ALL about you. You being so special and wonderful that this man would not DARE to approach you again for sex , comfort and a friendly ear without giving you a ring in return. Can you be a women who knows her own worth , who does not accept crumbs , who is genuine and loving to HERSELF always first ?

    And finally I speak as one who healed from a toxic relationship where I was in a very similar position to you . All the hopes, longing , pining, wishing and fantasising just glued me in place..and those things must be given up completely and immediately if you truly want to heal. And the very first “dream” you must forsake is that you can “make him” want to commit to you, and turn that right around till you believe that you CAN have adoration, hot sex, friendship, companionship and romance with a man whose joy it is to share that with you. And that requires a man who CAN do relationship.



  113.  #113Luzydel on November 21, 2013 at 4:03 am


  114.  #114Linda on November 21, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Curvy — absolutely open to communication outside here! Here is my email. lindor59@hotmail.com

    I am determined to get to the bottom of this with myself. Peace and happiness is my goal too.

    Thank you for sharing.



  115.  #115Linda on November 21, 2013 at 4:52 am

    curvy. I am very open to communicating outside of here. I posted and added my email. I think it went into to moderation though. I did not know we could not post that if we wanted.



  116.  #116Linda on November 21, 2013 at 5:03 am

    FW. THank you for the post @ 85

    I am pretty hard on myself and guess we are in reality.
    I can say that I did not end things on a bad note with my ex-husband. There is open communication with him and I our lives criscross from time to time .

    As far as FavoriteCD goes.. yes one day at a time.



  117.  #117Tammy on November 21, 2013 at 7:05 am

    106 Elsie! Wow this helps me! I really have to think of me first! I am so happy that you took care of you and your dreams are unfolding! I love your writing style btw



  118.  #118Tammy on November 21, 2013 at 7:34 am

    112 Sirenity- so, let me get this right- I have a sickness?
    Well, guess there is something askew in me if I allow such treatment from others. I would never treat someone else like this, NEVER! People have been treating me exactly the way I have allowed them to- I must retrain myself



  119.  #119Femininewoman on November 21, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Tammy the “addiction” to the physical connection with the person is *like* a sickness. Awareness is key to help you to break this.



  120.  #120Tammy on November 21, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Femininewoman- it could be that he has this same addiction? But, the sex is not all we shared-there was a lot of soul searching with each other too! Looks like leaning way back and loving myself is my only way to heal.
    I am scared- terrified of this journey! Really, really scared! I am such a strong woman- why does this scare me? Damn, I rarely ever feel this way!



  121.  #121Femininewoman on November 21, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Aren’t we all scared. The fact that you are noticing this feeling, naming it and really feeling it is good. It is partially how you know you are healing. Many of us have been there and came out on the other side. Trust yourself you can do this.



  122.  #122CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Linda… if your moderate post doesn’t come through, you can contact me via my website. (click on my username to get there) Then I’ll send you my private email and we can chat more . I really look forward to hearing from you. 🙂



  123.  #123Femininewoman on November 21, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Pity Mel isn’t writing much anymore. She could tell you her recent story with her ex husband which she came to the blog and how far away from that she is now. Kinda like Elsie’s story.



  124.  #124Tammy on November 21, 2013 at 8:23 am

    What if I work through this and don’t recognize myself? What if I start working through this and I hurt more? I can’t possibly hurt more- and this hurt is not all about a guy! I know my issues have affected every relationship in my life!



  125.  #125Lisa on November 21, 2013 at 8:26 am

    @Andrea Wow way to be honest…. nice… 🙂 <3



  126.  #126Dominique on November 21, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Indigo – 111 – 🙂

    xxoo



  127.  #127Dominique on November 21, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Tammy – 123 – You will always recognize yourself, for the path you are undertaking is to find the woman you have always been, your pure love, goddess self who may have lost her way or been buried under layers of hurt and trauma.

    The more you can learn to love and respect yourself, the more people will you attract into your life who also love and respect you. The better you treat yourself, the better others will treat you, men included.

    Try to look at this journey as exciting, an adventure. Try to keep yourself as open and as curious as possible every step of the way.

    xxoo



  128.  #128Tammy on November 21, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Thank you Dominique- you seem so wise! I have not delved much into the program but guess it is time to take my vitamins, eat my veggies, and work my ass off ( that’s right Elsie!) I don’t know what program says but, I just decided-just now- that I am NOT talking about him anymore. Not until he shows up and wants something healthy that is! It just seems to me that rehashing the details of our relationship and questioning his actions is doing nothing to help me. It is not a productive way to spend my time. And I imagine it is not about him anyway! Am I on the right path here?



  129.  #129Syreena on November 21, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Tammy it is facing that pain with the intention of healing that will help you heal and let go. Than avoiding it and turning any addiction to numb it out.

    It’s coming to an acceptance that you have no control over others peoples unloving actions. Only your own and taking loving action and care of yourself.

    There will be lots of healing tears on your journey if and when you chose to do this. You will change and become a survivor rather than a victim. The tears cried are different from those of victim tears which keep us stuck. Your heart will start to feel better and better and you will experience true real love.



  130.  #130Femininewoman on November 21, 2013 at 11:17 am

    RE 127 Tammy I think that is a very wise decision.



  131.  #131Indigo on November 21, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Tammy 127,

    I speak from experience, and YES, this is the right way to go.

    Let it go, let it go, and let it go again.

    I have set myself a time limit of a year… And in that time, every time I have a thought of him, I put it in a beautiful little scarlet box with a satin ribbon and send it off into the air, and say a prayer.



  132.  #132Dominique on November 21, 2013 at 12:36 pm


  133.  #133Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Daria – I’m sure you know this, but if you take your BBT every morning at the same time, you’ll notice it go up the morning after you ovulate. Then it will go back down when you get your period. (I often notice the shift down first, then I know I’ll be getting my period that day). I don’t know how it works if you’re on the pill, because it’s hormone-related.

    Just saying, so you don’t get confused with cause-and-effect. And I’m curious how having your temp going up is good with thyroid meds? I’m guessing also hormone related?

    I might have just answered my own question.

    And,great – now I want to eat avocado with seaweed…nom



  134.  #134Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Wow – Elsie – that 106 is powerful!!



  135.  #135Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    I feel, very deeply in my body, that, as much as I like the man I met just before I left California (I’m not doing nicknames anymore. Somehow, that seems to cheapen how I experience these men in my minds, and I don’t want that. So I’m sorry. If it’s hard to follow, then I guess this is just for me to “process”), he CAN’T be the right man for me. End of story!

    He doesn’t want kids. He does not want any kind if long-term commitment. In fact, he practically breaks out in hives at the mention of it.

    He IS a caring and compassionate lover. He does genuinely enjoy the company of a woman, and has told me that it “adds something” to his life. He clearly enjoys spending time with me, physically. He likes me, is attracted to me. He would make a devoted father if he had to be, but he’s not going to choose it. He listens. He responds. He loves – loves loves loves – the idea of pleasing me and serving me.

    But I can’t expect a tiger to change his stripes. I might be afraid of commitment, too. But I NEED it.

    In his case – and all my CDs in Cali, I did leave the state! Lol. So literally. It feels good to lean back that far – or forward into my own life, without caring who is behind me.

    I’m still thinking of this man, obviously. Because when we are together, physically, it is so nice. But he’s not here. He’s not changing his mind, and even if I asked him to, I wouldn’t like it if he did. I like him exactly as he is – commitment phobic, not wanting children, and the rest.

    I still know that I need the rest. And I’m honoring my intuition. I’m not going to hope or wish or pine for anything. All I need to know is that I can make my own choices. And when the time comes, what is right for me will be available. It will be right in front of me. And I can choose it : )



  136.  #136Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    Andrea – 110 – that is really super cool. I liked your story 🙂



  137.  #137Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    Tammy, you have a lot of good words from all the other women on the blog. But I just noticed where you responded, wondering if you have a “sickness.” And my heart goes out, because I know how you feel – that there must be something bad or wrong about you to have “allowed” what happened. But that’s not true! It can’t possibly be true!

    You have endured so much. Any amount of abide is to much, and you’ve suffered a lot. It’s not a *sickness* that you have, it is COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE that your body and mind would react this way.

    I used to think of it as that I had been trained to breathe toxic fumes and accept them as air (or love). I then realized I had to retrain myself to recognize love, and to avoid toxic fumes (sounds logical, right? It’s not so easy when you’ve been “trained” for many years to survive on what feels bad.) I then started to notice how “comfortable” I felt in unhealthy situations. This scared me. And I noticed, even deeper, the sadness, loneliness, and anxiety beneath that surface level “comfort.” It really wasn’t comfort at all.

    It has been many years, and I am still growing my way pot of this. I haven’t been married yet, but when I do, I want it to be in a healthy, strong, supportive, loving relationship. If you need time alone, not in a relationship, take all the time you need.

    And if you want to think of yourself now as having “sickness,” think of it like the flu. You’ve been exposed to something toxic, like a virus. Your system is fighting it, and this is what makes you “sick.” But it’s only because your system is working the way it’s supposed to. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. And, like the cold or flu, even if you’ve been sick for a long time, you can get better from it and be back to your healthy self – with an even stronger immune system 🙂



  138.  #138Tereana on November 21, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Tammy, correction – *any amount of Abuse is too much



  139.  #139GoGurl on November 22, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I have known this guy since high school and he recently reconnected with me on Facebook. He asked me out but I’m not sure if I should go out with him he told me he had 2 phones one for texting, and one for calling. He texts me all time but has yet to call me its 2 been 2 days this week he said he would call me I waited for him to call and he didn’t. I tried calling him on the number he texts me from but its only for texting. I find it strange that he does not call me and it makes me unsure if I want to go out with him?



  140.  #140Kim on November 25, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Iv been seeing this guy for over a yr and were living together . Im not sure if hes just playing me or if he just has no feelings. He never want’s to have sex or kiss or have any body contact ever unless i bring it on, Hes giving me every excuse int he book and the last one was that hes older and when men get older they lose there desire to have sex. Ok so lets go with that, well would’nt he then try and go take viagra or check out some type of fix, Well he does’nt and i’m by now taking this very personal, the things it does to a women when your man does’nt want to touch you. Any ways im at a loss , does any one have advise.



  141.  #141Rori Raye on November 25, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Kim, Welcome, and I’ve deleted your last name and email for your privacy – please – don’t EVER post your email on ANY website – very scary and dangerous. Love, Rori



  142.  #142Andrea on November 30, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Can you help :0(

    My husband left me after 16 years of marriage …my only relationship I have ever had from being 17. It was an abusive loveless marriage that I clung to in a desperate attempt to keep my family unit together …something that was missing from my life as a child. When he left I was devastated as I didnt know who I was or what my purpose was other than being a mother or a wife. I thought I was in love with my husband but the truth is I was in love with the idea of it but the truth was I never got the love or respect back.

    2-3 months after he left I then met someone on a night out. Emotionally and mentally I was not ready in the slightest and although I gave my number out (which was unusual for me) I decided I didnt want anything and let him down by txt. His reaction was quite strange really because I had only met him that night and he reacted almost as if we had had a relationship and I was dumping him…he persued me more and more which just pushed me further away. For approx 6 weeks I fell into a pit of depression mourning my husband but one day out of the blue this other man just popped up into my mind… he was a gardener by trade and I needed one for work so I contacted him… from there he ended up doing some work for me and I invited him on a works night out. It was from that night that we agreed to go on a date and it was quite an eye opener because this man was rather keen and was almost over the top with his feelings too soon… after that date I decided again that he was not for me. He continued to do some work for us some time later and again we met up. When I saw him something told me that this man was worth another date…it was from there onwards that I entered into this relationship with him where he was so in love with me…attracted to me and it was so much fun and I felt excitement and pure lust for the first time in my life. He quite soon told me he was falling for me and did I love him to which I said no… he was let down by this but wouldnt give up on me. As time went by I really did fall for this man in a big big way once I had let my barriers down. What I havent told you is that he had also come out of a 15 year relationship the same month I had and things started interfering with our relationship…i.e his ex!! As they had mutual friends when we went out she was there… she made life difficult for him in many ways by refusing to sell the house…he has a daughter who was stuck in the middle of all this and her relationship wasnt too good with her mum so she wanted to live with her dad. He then found out what had been going on between the mother and daughter and felt guilty and responsible for what had happened. As he was living at his parents because the ex had the house he didnt have the means to get his own home which was needed more and more for his daughter…his business was quiet and so his debts spiralled out of control… this is where our relationship changed!! I have my own home and he spent most of his time with me… altho he was with me in body he wasnt there in mind which was very obvious. I took care of him and his daughter and he happily accepted this but started to take me for granted. It was at this point that I became rather week and desperate because I could feel a distance between us and he was refusing to commit fully but yet he was still using me for what I could offer. I was doing everything to try and please him to bring him back and he just went further away. He was telling me all along that he loves me and im the best person he has ever met but he is not used to it and cant handle commitment…this is the man that wanted it to begin with when I didnt!! What I didnt mention is that he was in a loveless relationship for 15 years and he constantly cheated on his ex which he was very open about…she did too apparently! I have a huge fear of being cheated on and I constantly lived in fear of him doing this and following a bad patch he cheated!!! After this happened I became desperate and took him back …what an idiot! This man could not live with what he had done and backed off… he said he will never fogive himself for it and that I didnt deserve this and he was very angry with himself…he clearly cannot help himself when things are bad in his life, he chooses to have sex with someone to make himself feel better but by doing so destroys the people that truly love and cherish him. This mad tried his best to please me but it was never enough for me because it was always on his terms… he would always be late…change his mind on plans.. mess me about and control me and “us”. What I didnt realise until now was that I allowed it. The love and connection between us was so strong though and I couldnt understand why he was being like this.. it got to the point where he would let me down…would stop staying over…would cancel dates and then he said he needed space to sort out his problems because it wasnt fair on me and he wasnt treating me well enough… devastated!!! He told me over and over I am so in love with you but I cant give you what you want…commitment!! He walked away… I am a mess!! Problem is I still have a relationship with his daughter because we struck up an excellet relationship but by doing this (because I dont want to let her down) its hard because I hear about him and see him from time to time which is hard… he looks at me with loving eyes and looks in deep thought…he tells me he still loves me dealy and he misses me …but he doesnt want to come back! He said he needs to get some stability for himself and his daughter and so he finally moved into his own apartment… this is so hard! He contacts me from time to time asking how I am …he invites me round for tea and coffee but he doesnt want me…. I am so confused because I love this man so much yet really he doesnt deserve my love. What is difficult is he is a very good man and there were lots of good points to him. He is just set in his ways…very selfish and holds self pity and blames everyone else for his life.

    The reason for my email is because I do feel that he will come back to me one day and I need to work on myself and would like to use the tools to turn this relationship into a happy loving one because I believe in him…question is does he deserve it?? I believe we are soul mates but how do I let go of the hurt in the past and trust?? Does he deserve this??

    Please help xx



  143.  #143Dominique on December 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Andrea – Only you can answer this question. Was his behavior deal breaker behavior for you or not. If it wasn’t, then little by little you work to rebuild your trust, in yourself and in him. Any of this work you do is for YOU, not for him or any other man though as a lovely reward, men of all kinds will be drawn to you and your blossoming feminine energy.

    xxoo



  144.  #144Andrea on December 2, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Thanks Dominique.. I can honestly say something is drawing me to him despite our problems.. I dont want to let him go fully :0( I guess we have to just see what happens xxx



  145.  #145Dominique on December 2, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Andrea – All you can do then is to work on you. Bring things back to you. Place your focus as much as you can on YOU, filling your life up with things and people which fill you up, make you feel good, passionate even, bring a smile to your lips.

    This kind of energetic leaning back creates space for him to come to you if he will. And if he does, you want to have your heart open and receptive, an invitation. When you talk to him or are with him, focus on what feels good. Express yourself in feeling messages when it’s about how you feel, including sensations. Again try to focus on what feels good. You are more likely to not only notice more which feels good, he will also likely feel inspired to give you more of what felt good.

    A man, this one or another one, DOES want to make you happy, IF he’s the one for you.

    And also keep in mind that if you want this man, you must love and accept him exactly as he is even if nothing ever changed.

    xxoo



  146.  #146yulie on December 2, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    I need advice,
    My name is yulie and Im having trouble with my boyfriend. Everything was wonderful until he went up north to Kansas to start working. We have been together for 3 years now. I dont know what to do because lately he’s been in my case alot that “why didnt you answer my phone call” or ” you dont have time for me” to be honest i have been more busy lately but i still talk to him alot. What i dont understand is that everytime we talk he finds a way to make me mad and we end up having a huge aegument. It had never been like this before. We just fight alot now and sometimes even for no reason. i dont want to loose him but i can’t be fighting all the time i pick up the phone to talk to him. he has too much pride and doesnt tell me at all how he feels. i feel like if he just wants me to be always there at his service or calling him all the time just to be sure im not going anywhere. this fighting is getting me annoyed and i dont know what to do.
    Is this fixible or is it time to move on??
    please help!!



  147.  #147Rori Raye on December 3, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    yulie – welcome, and long distance sucks. Is he coming back, or has he relocated? Either way – you need to talk to him about coming up witha plan to be together, or you’ll need to start Circular Dating for real right now. Love, Rori



  148.  #148Tammy on December 6, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Hi ladies! I have decided to start loving myself- infact, it is a constant mantra in my mind. I am changing the defeating thoughts and patterns in my brain to I LOVE MYSELF. In doing so, I have asked myself the question, ‘ If I love myself would I allow ….’ Many times it has been a big fat NO! I have reflected on the ways others have treated me in the past and come to the realization that in most instances others have mistreated me because I, yes I, have allowed it! I have overlooked their harshness out of love or benevolence. I have overlooked abuse. I have given people the inch and then let them the yard as well! I have made excuses for them!
    But now when I recognize the toxicity aimed towards me-my mind screams. Wait! Hold up! This is NOT acceptable! YOU LOVE YOURSELF REMEMBER?! It is wonderful to be loving towards others but some people will just push and take as much as you let them! My mind screams- would you want someone to treat your children, whom you love deeply, like this? Well, NO! Then why are you allowing someone to treat you in such a way? I realize now that in order to truly love others and be effective in this world I must protect me first! And that means I must protect myself from myself too! Meaning destructive thoughts or behaviors that I aim at myself are not acceptable either! I will only allow myself to be kind to myself! I will not make it an option!
    I took up for myself again tonight and it felt good! A good male friend of mine, P, has been doing something that makes me uncomfortable and I have not really put a stop to it. We went out once and even fooled around a bit but decided that we would just be friends. We had even discussed at one point in our year long friendship that perhaps we could be FWB. Well, that never happened. We are good friends and been there to support each other during trying times-he is a good guy. Thing is, he knows I love M and that I am trying to get over him. (M is why I found this program!) But P will call me up periodically and ask me details about my sex life! He says that since we are friends it is not a big deal. P says he wants to make love to me but is scared he will fall in love with me. Well, he will hem and haw about taking me out and such but never follows through. I have told him how frustrating this is for me and that frankly it hurts my feelings to be teased in such a way! He always apologizes but then a few weeks later he will want to know if, when, or who I am sexing. Well, tonight I told him it is kinda of creepy that he asks about my sex life but is not a part of it- even though he says he wants to be and never steps up to the plate! I think I made it clear that his behavior is not acceptable to me.
    Ofcourse, I felt a bit guilty putting it to him but I just HAD to! His behavior was making me feel bad! I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST OR NO ONE EVER WILL in a way I deserve!



  149.  #149Dominique on December 7, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    You’re awesome Tammy.

    xxoo



  150.  #150Tammy on December 7, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks Dominique! The work and time it takes to retrain myself to get what I desire is going to pay off- I just know. This is a painful journey to delve into my heart like this, to stand up for myself, to dare to be heard! Damn if I am going to be a victim any longer!
    I have cried so much the last couple days! The tears are because I now realize people only took advantage of me as an adult because I allowed it!
    I could of avoided so much pain! Okay I am sobbing again!
    You know what?
    I AM IN CONTROL NOW- I AM STEERING THE TAMMY TRAIN!
    I know I may sound a bit crazy or fanatical but i see a way to dig myself out of the shit heap that I have let others pile on me and I am shoveling hard!



  151.  #151karen on December 10, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    I am mid 40’s and divorced, dating a man in a similar situation – we have been dating for 9 months. I can’t figure out if we are going anywhere or if we can’t get passed friends. He has not told me he loves me yet and he always says he doesn’t express emotions and is still healing from being hurt from his divorce. Are those just excuses or am I pushing this ? I just don’t think a light switch will flip and he will decide to all the sudden fall in love. What program will help me sort out next steps for me ? and help me determine if I am wasting my time….



  152.  #152Rori Raye on December 10, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    karen, Welcome, and there is no such thing as wasted time…it just doesn’t feel good when you’re not getting what you want…Just get the Complete Collection – it’s SO inexpensive now (and get the ebook FIRST – $20 – will give you the foundation you need to really USE Modern Siren Tools, Love Scripts – and, for you, Targeting Mr. Right is crucial – because the only problem you’re having is EXCLUSIVITY!!!!! You are feeling frustrated because you don’t know why you’re being exclusive.

    It doesn’t matter “where it’s going” – it matters where it IS – and something about where it is doesn’t feel right to you. Notice these things – how often do you speak by phone? How often do you spend time together? What’s the sex like? What’s the touching, laughing and affection level like? AND ask yourself exactly WHY you aren’t out when you’re not with him, talking to OTHER men? Love, Rori