What To Do If He Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You

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Here’s a comment from “InLove”, who’s suffering at 20 with a problem most of us have experienced at some time or other, in response to my post about reviving sex…

“Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.

We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.

The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).

Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.

And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).

Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.

But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

Sorry this is so long…InLove”

Here’s my answer:

InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before – and so have many women I know and have worked with – and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house – it may never get better.

Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido.  Here’s what you can do from my standpoint – and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager – who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage – to weigh in here as well:

1. If he’s gay, that’s it.  Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.

2. If he’s not in love with you – you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) – just as you would for scenario number…

3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back.  You can see if that works (it will), and yet –

It’s not a permanent solution.

A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy.  MatchMatrix.com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex – and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex – and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way – but you’re not.

The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.

We women try to CONNECT through sex – and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason – he refuses sex.

This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship – sex will stop.

If you chase him for sex – as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) – is just making it worse for you.

4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution – but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better – it will get worse.

This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.

Let’s see what Todd has to say.

I would not move in with him, if I were you – and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.

Sorry for the cold-sounding answer – but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this.  I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT – Circular Date just by talking with other men.

Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.

Okay – This just in – Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:

“Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.

One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.

The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.

I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.

If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”

Todd is amazing, if any of you would like to talk with him, he’s at www.ToddCreager.com

I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way – this is his specialty.

“InLove” – Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back – and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” – take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good – and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Deena on April 7, 2009 at 2:23 am

    I spent 20 years married to a man like that! It NEVER got any better.

    I believe his problem was related to his alcohol abuse. So alcohol, medications, and drugs can be another factor.

    We would have it maybe twice a year and he would say we should do it more often but then when I would initiate, he would turn me down.

    It really did a number on my self-esteem and my feelings of attractiveness as a woman.

    At the age of 20, his hormones should be raging. I wouldn’t ever tolerate a sexless relationship again.

  2.  #2alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 3:20 am

    i like sex. i feel drawn to men who want to have sex with me. yet if man ONLY wants to have sex with me and is unable to feel anything for me i feel repulsed by him and his animal based desire for me.

    most of the men in my past have been men who have loved me but were only capable of a sexual relationship rather than a full functioning relationship. which was perfect because that’s all i was capable of.

    i like sex. oh haha. i already said that. but sex is my main driving force in choosing a man.i must be sexually attracted to him. However i seem to luck out in the fact that the men i have been sexually attracted to in the past have been the very perfect match in male form of who i needed to be with in order to grow spiritually and become closer to the person i wanted to be. so i trust my sexual anntena. i know some people advise to Run from sexual attraction but i do not subscribe to that. however after doing rori’s tools i do find many many more men attractive. still though, to want to have sex with someone and to find someone attractive are different for me. i know rori says attraction or desire can grow. that’s probably true. i feel open to that.

    i still have very strong feelings about my ex#1. we didn’t ven have a ton of sex. but i felt we understood each other, respected each other, found each other’s humor funny, accepted each other, etc (i mean not perfectly but)

    still though i don’t mind moving forward to other men. i feel ok not ending up with him.or ending up with him. i just feel better being open to the moment and right now. that’s how i feel the best.

    this situation with this guy in the post who doesn’t want to have sex. well. these two people chose each other because they have this issue to work out and it seems to be a good match for each other to work it out. maybe she is too clingy. or maybe he is gay. maybe both. they will realize something about Themselves. she will do good to work rori’s tools in my opinion. i feel happy rori’s tools have helped me so much.

    i feel compassion, authenticity, honest feeling messages, discharging old and new traumas from the body, staying present in the now and being my best godess self is what i am focussing on. i feel very good about my progress. i feel very robot-ey in my response right now. i feel amused at my robot -ness.

  3.  #3alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 3:26 am

    i am Alias girl roboto. i feel no desire to be in a relationship with a male roboto if there is no sex. omg what would be the point? that’s called pal-sey wal-sey. friendzo. compadres. activity partners. roomates.

  4.  #4Tracy on April 7, 2009 at 3:51 am

    i feel that when it comes to sex,i should have my needs met as well because otherwise i will not be happy and i will feel neglected..and if that is the case then i should leave.



  5.  #5sandra on April 7, 2009 at 4:35 am

    I wonder if offering sex or a blow job while a man is engaged in something like tv or games is not the best time…. Is that perhaps not respecting his space? I have done that sort of thing myself, which ended up setting myself up for rejection. It would be good to talk about these things Rori, timing…. it can be so hard to get right and can come across as pressure or just plain annoying when we don’t get it right…..

  6.  #6Katja on April 7, 2009 at 5:48 am

    I would also give the advice of leaning back and getting involved in something to do outside of the relationship-a new hobby,meetings with girlfriends,and yes-flirting with other men or at least looking them into the eyes and smiling. Sometimes a relationship gets kind of boring when it comes to sex after moving in together-even with separate bedrooms. I know that because I have been there in one of my past relationships. I just give my opinion here…It has to do with the permanently being together and having nothing else to do. You get bored. Find something you like that you can do outside. Go out. Flirt. Raise your self-esteem. And don’t try this lingerie-stuff (I did this before and was turned down by him and I feel so embarrassed thinking about it). The other problem is,that you, “InLove”, are kind of obsessed with your guy. You are focused on him a lot,thats why he’s trying to get somewhere else or watching tv. I would really suggest to focus on yourself so much that you almost forget him (be a diva!), find a new hobby, go out with your girlfriends or other guys if you like, lean back, don’t initiate anything. If you have any questions you can always ask all the women here. Really,try what everyone suggests here. Its so important to get your focus off of the guy, ESPECIALLY when you are living together!!! I am in this situation right now (living together,low self-esteem and being too much focused on the guy) and I am practising with Rori’s tools (and I have Modern Siren,which helps me a lot). Good luck to you!

    Hugs and love to all of you,

  7.  #7Linmayu on April 7, 2009 at 7:23 am

    Without going into detail, I am going to say that this post explains A LOT.

  8.  #8Linmayu on April 7, 2009 at 7:53 am

    This has nothing to do with sex.

    I’ve been spending nights shaking and raging, and having more recurring dreams about seeing my husband and HIM wanting to get back together. Last night I dreamed it again. I had been chatting with a new construction worker/metalhead potential boyfriend, and then I saw my ex in some prearranged, neutral location and we were talking, and I told him something like no other girl would want him because bla bla bla, and he responded very sarcastically and walked away. Then I got angry at him and started hitting him and clawing at him, and he responded approximately the same way a stone would respond.

    And THEN I somehow managed to show what was REALLY in my heart, which was still the love that I once had for him. And he said, “well, I already told you that I wanted to date you and kiss you again.”

    And I freaked out, worrying that it was too late for that since I had just two seconds ago been clawing him to pieces like a cat does to an antique sofa, but he said, no, only say the word and we can start over.

    I’m fairly certain that this has nothing to do with anything in real life, I’m fairly certain that such a reunion is out of the realm of possibility, so the dream has to mean something else. Perhaps it is connected to the new guy…who I am having doubts could possibly make me feel as good as the old guy once did. He is doing everything right and saying everything right but I am not sure HE is right.

    Regardless of who it’s about, it is a lesson in vulnerability. Look, sarcasm doesn’t work, and neither does anger and violence! Those things are defenses, a cover for the vulnerability inside–nothing’s more vulnerable than admitting I still have love for this person–and the vulnerability is the only thing that is going to create love.

    Whenever I have to see or talk to this man, the walls go up, instantly. It’s almost like I put them up to be polite to HIM because HE has them up. It’s easier to have them up, and treat him like a business negotiation–and it feels absolutely horrible inside. It feels like emotions swirling around in a black hole. The mediator said that she actually saw my energy drop into a black hole the minute I entered the room.

    If that’s what happens to me when I see him, is it even safe to have walls down, use feeling messages, and be vulnerable? I’m sure it would be good practice, but I worry about how much pain I’m going to be walking into if I even try to do this. I worry about whether I’d be ABLE to do it if I tried. And I worry that it won’t do anything good for me, and all that will happen is that I’ll look weak and he’ll get to feel superior.

    I need some help here. Just to be clear, this is NOT about me trying to misuse Rori tools to seduce my ex back to me. This is about me being fully authentic, with whatever I REALLY feel, without walls, when I am around him, even though it would be far easier to be Mr. Roboto and just go through the motions. This is about me dealing with the love that does still exist on my side. Even admitting that this love still exists is excruciatingly hard. It’s a million times easier to intellectualize about how bad he is and how incompatible we are and how of course I’m better off without him. All those things are probably true. But I would love it if that cold, dry, intellectualism was the WHOLE truth of what I really felt towards him. It isn’t.

    All advice and meddling is welcomed.

  9.  #9Daria on April 7, 2009 at 10:36 am

    ohhh I had a couple drinks last nite and have been feeling like having sex the past few days (mid cycle hormones) lol.
    My ex kind offered it to me which feels good since I remember when we were having a similar issue as in this post wher I felt he didn’t want to have sex with me. Now I don’t feel ready to have sex with him because there’s still some issues about sex that I want and are dealbreakers for me and he hasn’t offered that,

    Anyway I came on here to say I really like Rori’s new e-letter tool. To treat the things we don’t like about ourselves as the BEST THINGS ABOUT US. It felt really freeing and delightful.

    I really like this. I feel glad that I can use it all day long.

  10.  #10alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 11:10 am

    number one meddler. on call and on duty. right here at your service.! practice using feeling messages. if i were you linmayu i might work on a speech to give to you ex and do it in the way rori describes. using all your feeling messages. ie i still feel love for you. i feel conflicted sometimes about losing you, i feel bad for having pressured you for sex during our marriage. i feel confused about (whatever you are confused about) etc etc. and then say what you are looking for or whatever. (i don’t have the program about speeches so i don’t know exactly how it goes.

    and uses the pauses and what do you think and level two listening.

    ask ahead of time when is a good time you could talk to him for about twenty minutes.

    stay open.
    feeling messages
    rori’s four rules (definitely!)

    and don’t expect to be disappointed. (yet don’t expect anything maybe just be open)

    you may get triggered. he may not have the emotional capacity. it may be too late for a speech since he is not coming to you for anything (what do others think?)

    i personally like to follow things through with people so they are not haunting me for the rest of my life.express self and learn the truth of the situation. even it it hurts.

    but i would really really try and remember rori’s four rules (do i have this right-the name?)

    this is my idea. what do you think?


    The Meddler

    i feel really unsure and worried. i feel better following my intuition in such matters. what is good for me may be a Really Terrible plan for another. i feel open to feeling triggered. However i very quickly stopped emailing my mother bc i felt it a hopeless, useless, futile activity and why bang my head against a wall AGAIN.

    SO IS A MATTER OF USING INTUITION (ah all caps error) in my meddling opinion

  11.  #11alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    two cute boys resurfaced into my rotation. 🙂 yae. i feel softer and more goddessey. boy from the event on sat texted me just now and i told him i had felt disappointed and angry not seeing him. so we went back and forth. i feel good about him /with him again. i feel impressed he texted! i didn’t expect to hear from him.

    and another man who i had treated not well using feeling messages. i had apologized and said i felt bad the way i responded to him. i said at the point in my life when we connected i had felt very angry with men.

    yae for feeling messages and truth statements and second chances!

  12.  #12ann on April 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    ot please pray for hubby. he’s in hospital. i feel worried scared. i am on mobile now.

  13.  #13Katja on April 7, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Ann,I am including him in my prayers. Lots of love to you!

    Btw I loved Rori’s Eletter,too. That tool is great-I just needed a tool like this today… 🙂 It’s like she reads my mind and everytime I need a specific tool I get an eletter with this tool for my specific situation in it. Magical… 🙂

    Hugs and love to you all…

  14.  #14Tracy on April 7, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    will pray for your hubby….keep strong,



  15.  #15Linmayu on April 7, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Ouch Ann. I will keep you and hubby in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t know if it’s the Venus retrograde or what, but disaster seems to be in the air for many…so be careful all!

    AG, thanks for the meddle. I may actually have an opening for it; he emailed me about the income taxes but included a few inside jokes where previously communications had been all business. I feel so weird and strange, though, trying to open up and be vulnerable when every single person I know says forget him and move on. I feel love, yes, but does that mean I want to be WITH him? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I felt so stifled and scared and rejected and unvalued. How can I feel all those things and still feel love for the one who triggered them? It feels scary.

  16.  #16alias girl on April 7, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    ann my thoughts and prayers are with you an hubbie and daughter.

    linmayu. being open and vulnerable feels very scarey for me too. rejection feels scarey and painful. but a frozen life feels awful too. i used to feel scared of people getting close bc i felt obligated to them in ways i wasn’t ready to be obligated to them yet. i used to feel scared of men i wasn’t sure about falling in love with me. but rori says is ok to be a heartbreaker. i am not leading any one on. i am just super desirable as a soft, feeling, open, vulnerable goddess. i don’t have to choose anything or anyone i am not ready to choose. i can draw boundaries.ie yes. no. that’s my limit etc.

    boundaries and feelings were frowned upon in my family growing up. but i’m a big girl now and boundaries and feelings FEEL GREaT!

    i feel supportive of your process.

  17.  #17Rori Raye on April 7, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Ann, so sorry – Thinking of you and your husband, sending love, I know from our conversations that you are a woman with a lot of great, healing energy, and so glad you are there. Rori

  18.  #18Mercedes on April 7, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    Ann: I’m so sorry. I hope everything is getting better. You are both in my prayers.

    linmayu: I like your dream. From reading your other posts, I know dreams and their meanings mean a lot to you. Please…I’m not a dream analyzer or anything like that, but this seems so clear to me (from my own perspective…dreams must be our own perspective or we’d all have the same ones). Put no stock in what I’m going to say, but…maybe give it some thought.

    Let’s look at your dream. It starts out with you talking to a new guy…potential boyfriend. As soon as you start to feel attracted to this new man, your ex shows up (is that what happens in your life? not that he shows up LITERALLY, but does he show up in your thoughts and feelings causing you to block others?).

    When your ex shows up, he immediately takes you away from this other man. The other guy is gone from the dream…not to be seen or heard from again. (again…is this real? when you start to see another man and your ex comes into your thoughts and feelings, does this new man have a chance or is he basically gone forever from any potential in your heart?).

    Next, you are totally fake with your ex. You’re acting all confident and sure of yourself, but he knows better and walks away (did this happen to the two of you? were you trying so hard to be the best woman for him that you let go of who you really were? Were you authentic or no?).

    As soon as he walked away, you got angry (this part MUST be real right?) and then…you became a very authentic you.

    As soon as you became vulnerable and authentic he was back telling you that the two of you could be together (was your relationship on-again, off-again…did he come back when you showed him how you really feel?)

    As soon as he tells you he wants you back, you “freak” (your word) and “panic” (my word)…but because you were still being authentic (even showing your own self doubts), he assures you he wants you back.

    Now…I don’t know if this means he really wants you back or if you really want him back, but maybe it’s your subconscious telling you that you are allowing a former relationship to get in the way of new ones and that until you can be vulnerable and authentic, you’re not going to be with a man who can convince you that you belong together.

    Just my thoughts.

    Oh…and as for the man who doesn’t want to have sex…I see a woman who hasn’t drawn enough boundaries for herself. I think living with this man is a HUGE mistake. She knows what she wants (a sexual relationship with her boyfriend) yet is willing to wait for it rather than back away and find it. Also…I see a man who isn’t being honest. I’m not about forcing a man into one of those mushy heart-to-heart girly talks (although there are ways to get a man to want to have those talks with you) but…in this case…I’d force that talk. “Straight up…what’s going on with you and/or with us? I need to know because I deserve to make a decision about who I want in my future and I deserve to have all the information when I make that decision. It feels so horrible to be rejected by you and if that’s what I’m looking at for my future, I deserve to know.”

    So again….I’m long winded….

    Much Love,

  19.  #19Mercedes on April 7, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Oh…and “Hi everyone…I’m baaack!”

  20.  #20Linmayu on April 7, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Yay, welcome back Mercedes! And thank you so much for your insights. I felt like I was somehow missing the point of what was going on because I was blinded by my own perspective, and needed a fresh pair of eyes or several to make sense of things and/or keep me from throwing myself into a pit.

    It’s interesting that you made the connection of my ex taking me completely away from any new man. Because there is a new man, and he’s even blue-collarish and kind of goth, and when he holds me in his arms, all I can think about is how he feels different from my ex and I miss the way my ex felt. This, of course, isn’t fair to the new man at all. I’m not giving him half a chance, even though I’m TRYING to give him a chance.

    It feels like so much more consciousness and deliberateness is required here than I have ever used in my life.

    With my ex, I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever allowed myself to be truly authentic or vulnerable. I was like a person wearing a suit of armor to make up for having no bones–like a squishy bug with a hard exoskeleton. Very fuck-me-or-fuck-you. And yes, the anger was a constant presence. Bilious, murderous RAGE, always there, with nowhere to go. Even my feeling messages felt hard and aggressive. To me. This makes me wonder what might happen if I were to decide to be fully vulnerable–with him or anyone!

    One thing’s for sure–my subconscious is trying to tell me SOMETHING. And it’s something that could lead me to a better-feeling life.

    What feels so different is that I’ve finally touched the true core of my feelings regarding my ex. I think I used to say “I love you” without feeling it. Just because it was something I was supposed to say. “I love you” doesn’t express what I really feel. “I love you” is a decision. “I feel love” is where I am. I feel love, and I don’t feel like pursuing it. I feel love, and I don’t want to get back together. I feel love, and I feel distressed because I don’t want to feel love anymore. I feel love, and I feel angry. I feel a quiet, calm love.

    This feels so different from before.

  21.  #21Linmayu on April 7, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    Oh my Goddess. This is fucking priceless. Men are IRRELEVANT. They pale in comparison to the fact that I have finally been able to touch the loving core of my own being. All these months I’ve ranted and raved and stomped around and wondered whether I even had a heart at all. I do. It feels wide open, quiet, radiant, and eternal.

    I want to thank every one of you for the support and encouragement that tok me from there to here. Shimmering glowing Goddess hugs all around. Come dance in my flower garden, I’ve made gossamer silk dresses in a rainbow of colors for everyone. We’ll rival the fucking butterflies. 😀 <3

  22.  #22alias girl on April 8, 2009 at 12:56 am

    mmmmmmmm. i like linmayu. i want shimmering colorfulness handmade by goddess linmayu. mmm. i want to dance in garden and romp and play and flutter and shimmer. aw. i like. i feel a deep breath of fresh air. 🙂 xoxo

    i understand the power of the siren call in ulysses now. how it would be impossible to turn away from. i feel so goddessey.

    xoxo i <3 siren island and goddess rori raye.

  23.  #23Tracy on April 8, 2009 at 5:13 am


    I feel inspired by your breakthrough…i feel happy that you’ve made so much progress..it feels so nice to read such beautiful posts…



  24.  #24Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 7:12 am

    I am competely in sync with this I feel love for you rather than I love you, Linmayu. It’s teh aknowledgenent of the connection, of the bond and relatedness and life you shared. The part that remains for all those we have loved, I feel. We need to accept this in ourselves, in our hearts, that these men will always lurk in our being, our psyche.

    It’s exactly what I realize about my ex. Although we don’t speak, somehow I am unable to delete him from my IM list and evrytime I see his name there, I feel love. I feel connected to him. we were not married, but shared a very intimate connection. I don’t feel I’ll ever lose that feeling for him, nor do I want to re-experience the coldness that came into our relationship, his withdrawing and completely pulling back.

    I’m also intrigued by your reference to Venus being in retrograde. I try not to hold too much importance to astrology, but like all/most girls, I do readings and i-chings, and am amazed when I find links. My imaginary love letter guy is in my chart, my advisor/friend says in a huge way. But this is probably counter productive and I also feel a bit embarrassed I am into this stuff, especially when I need a friend to talk to.

  25.  #25Flipper on April 8, 2009 at 8:11 am

    I feel dazzled – stoked and soothed at the same time – by Linmayu’s realization. I feel love. I – I – I feel love. I Still feel love. I am feeling love, even now. You (a certain you in my life) loved(s?) me: it was a decision, that got decided and can be (was) undecided. But I, me my Siren Self, FEEL love. Even now, although my path has been the opposite of Linmayu’s. I knew I was still loving, and only now do I know/accept that I also want to wring his neck, his entire body, everyone and thing about him, and stomp and spit on all his crap, cluelessness and witless egocentrism. And its okay, I can feel hateful and still feel love, especially for myself.

    I’ve been attending some dream workshops. We follow a recommendation when we speak of others’ dreams, which I feel is very helpful for the circumstances, but also for other situations when I want to comment on someone else’s personal experiences such as we do here. Because even when invited to do so, it’s so easy to touch a sore spot, or sound directive (Mz Bossy Knowitall – present!). We must always start our remarks like this: “If it were my dream”,….”I would feel like this”, or “I would think so-and-so meant this”. I feel this would get me heard and avoid a lot of hurt feelings all around. For example, the other day I was trying to transmit some Rori principles to a friend, but was saying ‘you’ (meaning for me the indefinite ‘one’, but which she took personally). She cut me off and I could feel she was bothered, and I felt bad upsetting her and not being able to make my point. So I made a note to try again later with her, using “If it were my date….”. In the meantime, I was able to use the technique with the others that night and everyone seemed happier and more receptive.

    Yesterday afternoon here was the perfect weather for donning Linmayu’s silken, opalescent gowns, the slight breeze making their swathes alternately hide then hint at our Goddess’s gifts in the glowing sunlight. I felt the music in the air. I feel the love beneath it all, warming today’s gray skies.

  26.  #26Liz on April 8, 2009 at 8:58 am

    What a wonderful comment thread, I feel hope and clarity reading all these insightful words.
    Flipper, I also find receptiveness you’re referring to when approach someone else’s “delicate” situation with the preface….”oh wow, I don’t know what you’re doing to do, but if it were (my date/dream/decision/problem/etc) I would…”
    Cheers everyone!

  27.  #27Linmayu on April 8, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Ok, so I feel somewhat apologetic for my hijacking of this post, and very happy and thankful and loved from all the replies.

    Linda G: the astrology thing is funny because I never considered myself a believer…but after I started working at this place I was suddenly surrounded by people who really take astrological and intuitive factors into account in living their real lives. I guess now I feel like this is completely normal and just another source of information, lol.

    Sometimes I wonder if Rori hates me for being such a wannabe poster child for her (while not having any real-world results that you could take to the altar). I feel scared sometimes when I post stuff about myself, like someone’s eventually going to say “ok, we’ve had enough you fucking narcissist, GTFO this blog!”

    And, the concept of men not wanting to have sex/considering all females “dangerous” and “out to get him” due to mother issues…well, this seems to resonate with me. I feel it’s incredibly common, I’ve heard so many men express those thoughts in my lifetime, though none will ever dare say it’s because they have an overbearing mother, even if everyone can tell they do. Food for thought…

  28.  #28Daria on April 8, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    haha Linmayu I feel amused. I too feel uncomfortable posting about myself and not answering other people… My voice says “all she thinks about is her her her, how immature.” And I feel weird and defensive and defiant.

  29.  #29Mercedes on April 8, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Heehee…I’ve hijacked posts too (LOVE that phrase)! Haven’t most of us and don’t we deserve it? We’re all here to learn and eventually be that poster child (Love that phrase too!). We all need to post about ourselves because, even though it feels weird, it also feels like the best way to learn and grow. I don’t think you ladies should apologize for that (my goodness, I dedicated an entire BLOG to talking about myself and my relationship! LOL)…it’s why most of us are here.

    And I’m glad you’re here…

    Much Love,

  30.  #30Linda G on April 8, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    That’s funny, I have never met a man say he didn’t want sex in my entire life. Not because I’m so damned irresistible, I do remember being much younger, early 20’s and coercing one or two guys. It was my way of trying to get them to like me, maybe, or start something.
    Oh my gosh, haven’t though of that in ages. I feel so yucky and needy admitting that.
    anyway, I thnk they just didn’t liek me, I don’t think it had to do with mother issues…hmm…

  31.  #31Flipper on April 9, 2009 at 5:03 am

    Actually, I read about this fear men have of being swallowed or sucked back into the womb by women from Serge Hefez, a male psychiatrist/ologist and couples therapist, who didn’t link it to having an overbearing mother. Any mother – the one you love but that as a boy you must separate from but can’t identify with – will do. For him, this is really primal. He gave examples of a tribal group where the ‘solution’ was so radical that NO contact between males and females was allowed except for reproductive sex !!! (Fortunately for everyone, this was not the winning model for society – though we are still stuck with a lot of milder variants.)

    To all you Fabulous Sister Sirens spilling their guts on here, I feel absolutely delighted, validated, mirrored, emotionally up and down all over the map reading you – reveling in your courage, insights, doubts and love of yourselves and others. I feel GOOD that other Goddesses also have Nasty Voices occasionally leading them astray, and getting to see their own processes and others’ support that get those NV’s put in their place. PLEASE DON’T STOP !!!!! Lay it on, thick and creamy and heavy and heavenly womanly ! {>{> @ <3<3

  32.  #32Cassandra on April 9, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Ann…..my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband and I send you one of Daria’s beautiful flower hugs. XOXOXO

    Linmayu, Daria and Mercedes…i was so relieved to read that you guys felt like you had ‘hijacked’ (I love that description BTW!!) posts because I have felt that way as well and have not posted much as a result of feeling that way. I feel happy to know that I was not the only one feeling that way. Just so you all know…I personally have learned SO MUCH from reading your posts and following your journeys and I would hate it if you guys did not hijack posts – as you call it. Even that name makes me feel giggly and warm. 🙂 I really do love to read your posts and your hijacks! Mercedes…I am glad that you are back too!

    I loved reading this post about the man rejecting sex. I have been feeling this way for a very long time although in my situation even though just like everyone else here…I have needs too…..it is probably best that we are not physical. The fact that Charles and I are not physical anymore and haven’t been since way before my surgery in December….it makes me feel unattractive and unwanted and certainly unloved. Overall, I think that I am doing ALOT better with how I handle things and how I sink into my feelings….good or bad so that is good but it does bother me so deeply that he does not want to be physical with me yet he is fine with doing some of the other things that he has chosen to do that are not at all ok……I am not going to go into all of that again as it is in my prior posts. While I do realize that he is indeed toxic with some major issues to deal with (as do I) it still hurts me to the core and makes me feel un-beautiful and unattractive and undesirable. it hurts. Things have been much better lately other than that but I have been totally focused on ME and what I need to do for me. Sometimes I miss him so much – even though we are still ‘together’……even though I know that I will not ever have what I want for my life with him.

    Oh….I got my results back today from my first 3 month checkup following surgery. I will actually need to have another procedure done as a precaution and am trying to get that scheduled as soon as I can. Will keep you updated. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers around that as well.

    with love…..

  33.  #33Cassandra on April 9, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Linmayu….I am so happy for you!! I can’t wait to see those beautiful dresses!!! You rock Lady!!!

  34.  #34Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Cassandra, I feel for you, you are so brave. Loving yourself, unconditionally is what will make you a stronger person, and not reliant on anyone else’s attention or evaluation. sometomes love and moral support outweigh physical affection, it’s that mountain valley thing, like a train that travels up and down the coastline.
    and I agree about this bunch of hijacking girlie thugs, they are, you are all so wonderful, every post is a gift.

  35.  #35Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Oh YAY!! I LOVE being a hijacking girlie thug! 🙂

    I don’t worry too much if I post a lot. I figure if it’s too long and nobody wants to read it…they won’t. And if it triggers someone and starts a spark…well…they can thank me later! LOL…just kidding about that last part…sort of…

  36.  #36Ann on April 9, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Thank you ladies. I felt so dumb founded when I posted from my mobile the other day. I forget to have the replies sent to email.

    My hubby is still in ICU been there since Tues. To make a long story short. He had a some kind of spell at work(Mon), wounded up in ER at a little local hospital. They determined he was losing blood. So they did a upper and lower scope the next day. Something happened that caused his lungs to fill up with fluid, then fever and infection set in. As well as respitory distress, so off to ICU they went. They gave him 2 pints of blood earlier in the week and 2 more today.

    The doctors told myself and my daughter Tuesday what they’d found. Which was a tumor in his small intestine. The dr that did the scopes talked to us first didn’t care for his bed side manner. He said it looked bad. He had tried to tell my husband what they found but my husband was too out of it and going into distress to understand.

    His family dr. came in again Tuesday night to see him but he was trying to get him stable so he didn’t tell him what they’d found. We told him we wanted to be there when he told him but he went in to check on him at 6:30 in the morning and we weren’t there. He basically sugared coated it to my hubby because he had told him they’d found pollips(sp) and he would have to send him somewhere for surgery. When I went to his officed and they realized I’m going to talk to the dr, he told me my hubby had asked and he had to tell him something.

    I with my daughter and son told my husband the results Wednesday night. I was trying to wait on him to get out of ICU but he seems so much more stable. We decided he had a right to know and they could keep a closer eye on him there.

    I’m sorry this is so long. We’re waiting on results of bipospy and to see which hospital they are sending him to, which may end up in a fight because I’m a big believer that in order to heal the mind has to be took care of too.

    I have felt a range of emotions in the last few days from calm to terrified. I have felt so vulnerable.

    Talking about hijacking a thread I just did big time. But this community to me feels like a place I belong. It feels like a place its safe to ask for prayers and support.

    Ok I’m going to try to read some more post. I want to keep some kind of normalcy to our lives.

  37.  #37Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Oh Ann…I’m so sorry. You cerainly have my thoughts, my prayers and my best wishes. Hang in there…your cyber friends are thinking about you…

    Much Love,

  38.  #38Cassandra on April 9, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Ann…..my heart goes out to you and your family. I have no idea if this will help your hubby but I do know that it helped me tremendously even though at the time I did not know it……Do you have any tapes or CD’s of POSITIVE messages of hope, faith or anything like that that you could play in his room? Even if he is asleep those messages WILL sink into his spirit and give him support to fight this battle. My BFF did that for me when I was in ICU after having brain surgery and I was still not conscious. Looking back and stuff like that I truly believe that it helped me to focus spiritually and in every other way and I really do believe that it helped me in ways that I am still not aware of. I hope that it is ok to make that suggestion….I just wanted to share that in case it could help in some way. Another thing that helped me thru another surgery was that I did not allow anyone to speak anything other than healing, recovery and complete health when they were in my hopsital room. I told everyone that up front…either you are with me in this….I WILL BE OK or I will have to visit with you when I get home! Just some stuff to think about and I do hope that it may help in some way! You are all in my prayers and I send you a huge hug. Please keep us updated ok? Oh and I am glad that you hijacked this post!!! 🙂 XOXOX

    Linda G….thank you for your post! I think that slowly but surely I am getting there. I defintiely do NOT react to thigns the way that I did even just a few months ago. I have felt a huge change in how I see things and even in how I feel and process things and that feels awesome. Even today….I had gone for a walk and was thinking about some not so great stuff when all of a sudden I became aware of what the nasty voice was trying….key word….trying to tell me and I just told it ever so lovingly to stop….be quite and go sit in the corner as Rori says….and I qwould give it a cookie when i got home. I was so proud of myself that I began to cry! So here I am walking through the neighborhood with tears of pride and glee streaming down my face. I am still so proud of that even now so thank you Linda for your support. Oh and with other things I would usualy be triggered by the word thug but just like Mercedes…I am proud to be a hijacking girlie thug!!! I consider that a compliment! 🙂

    Mercedes…thanks for the giggle about the ‘trigger’!! LOL 🙂 I am with you on that!

  39.  #39Ann on April 9, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Cassandra thank you. I feel supported and heard. Your suggestion is fine. I don’t think I have any CD’s like that. I do plan on having him watch as much comedy as I can. Laughter is a good medicine I believe. I’m also giving people a “heads up” I won’t tolerate ANY doom and gloom around him.

    We aren’t as close as we used to be but we are still family. I won’t him to have the best treatment he can.

    I appreciate all the prayers we have and will recieve.

  40.  #40cookie on April 9, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Hi ladies, I have been off of the blog for a few weeks, (hopefully somebody noticed lol). Though not purposely. So I’m catching up. I feel late in offering my prayers to Ann and her husband but I’m sending love anyway. Also I have been missing Cassandra, so I am feeling ecstatic to see her back on and doing better. Yay, Cassandra.

  41.  #41Linmayu on April 9, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    Ann, I feel so inspired by the love and caring you have for your husband even in the face of problems and not feeling close. And Cassandra, it feels good to see you posting again. I hope everyone’s medical procedures go well, and wish for healing for all.

  42.  #42DocK on April 10, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Hi Ann

    I’m sorry a difficult time for you, your husband and family. I too send positive energy and loving thoughts. I feel your strength in your words and you inspire me and I feel trust in your balance of masculine and positive energy that you access in authenticity as you respond to each situation.

    Hugs, DocK

  43.  #43Ann on April 10, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Thank you ladies I appreciate your support, prayers and good thoughts/energy. I know I’m doing the absolute best I can in this situation altho, it might not match up to the way others feel I should handle it.

    We still haven’t recieved the biopsy result. Maybe they’ll be in Monday.

  44.  #44Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Ann, there is no better way to handle this than the way you are choosing to.

  45.  #45Ann on April 10, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Thank you Linda G. One day at a time(might possibily get to one moment at a time) is the best way I know to handle it. Remembering all the while I can’t help him if I don’t take care of myself and each day and situations of the day are different. So my reactions, emotions, thoughts will probably be different from day to day. I feel I need to stay connected here as much as I can because I have to feel.

  46.  #46minya on July 24, 2009 at 11:08 am

    Maybe inlove’s boyfriend is getting the sex elsewhere.
    And anyway why would you ponder so much over one complicated man at such a young age when you have the rest of your life ahead of you?You should be out there enjoying your youth and leave the neurotic b’friend to his own company.Yes you are ‘in love’ but with whom??Is he really worth all your love and devotion?All that energy?If you stopped wanting sex would he care the same way why?
    Please put this relationship into perspective.There is no rush whatsoever for you to settle down with this so called enigmatic,self-involved person.
    If he loved you or cared for you,he would have already shared with you the reason for his asexual life with you.
    Just try and imagine yourself 20 years down the line with this guy.How does it feel?Do you really believe by then the two of you would be having hot passionate sex?More likely if you stay together this long,you may always find yourself trying to figure him and his bizzare behaviour out.I’d say he is currently contemplating leaving you,but he is not man enough to be honest with you.Get out for now and his reaction may tell you if he truly cares.Remember you are way too young to deal with nonsense.Best of luck.

  47.  #47la la land on September 5, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    i totally identify, im married to a same kind of man
    needy mother etc, sex emotion stress mix,
    and me, i was a very sex person, i suffered badly for many years, till i managed to turn myself off, so it wouldn’t hurt

    i was punished by his no sex approach every time i leaned forward, since we were twenty something…
    i suffer from his compering me to his mother in many life aspect, but ‘siren’ is the medicine, i think.

  48.  #48la la land on September 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    or do you think this is all to wrong?

  49.  #49Uschi on September 12, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    On the subject of sex. I have never felt as a sexy woman and the few times I tried to start with my EX’s I got turned down. I now do not start it even if I want it. I also would feel embarrassed to do things that do not feel comfortable to me like I am not that crazy about BJ’s and then swallowing that stuff on top of it cause I hate peppery tasting stuff. Since a fight a long time ago we have had no sex and with the exception every now and then wanting it I can well do without it. However it would be nice if he wanted it with me every now and then and would take the steps to start it. I always wait for the man to start this. My mom told me once that when a man is offered something he may take it but it wont be worth much to him cause it was so easy to get so that’s another reason why I am not starting it.
    Am I wrong with that outlook?

  50.  #50Jacques on September 18, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    I know this online therapy is tricky because we’re only getting one side of the story without no ability to ask questions. However……

    My desire for sex has decreased after coming to realize the number of conditions women place on sex. Like the use of foreplay.

    This is not the discussion of men not being good at foreplay when they first start having sex. Men are crappy at sex in the beginning. The smart ones learn, so we are talking about only the smart ones.

    Still, women have a case early on when they complain about a man’s lack of skill because foreplay is not really about technique as it is the willingness to take a step back and figure out what the woman wants. Not to mention executing it.

    So as men have evolved sexually they became better at foreplay to the extent that they motivate their women to have more sex – one might think that all was well in the land of mons pubis.

    Ah – but then you ladies couldn’t just well enough alone. You wanted movie nights to feature Kate Hudson. You wanted your man to go with you to hear your old sorority sister read her radical lesbian autobiographical haiku’s. You wanted to have long talks about Maureen Dowd’s Sunday column that evening during the football game.

    But then your fella balked. He expressed the opinion that one Kate Hudson movie every 18 months was enough. He declined to sit in a stuffing loft surrounded by angry women wearing Birkenstocks. He’s been watching football for years and was not doing so because he was waiting for you.

    So you played what appeared to be a sure-fire strategy. You started calling things you wanted and he didn’t – and we’re not talking about anything done naked and during sex – foreplay. Yes, you used the term for a sexual activity and slapped it on anything with reckless abandon.

    The strategy appeared to be immune to failure. Going to the ballet was foreplay. Shopping for new makeup was foreplay. Mopping the floor was foreplay.

    These things made you more open to sex, so you said. But here is where this strategy crapped out – foreplay is tied to sex. So if you fucked his brains out after the Kate Hudson movie, you were playing by the rules. Few women played by the rules.

    Instead they started saying that while (fill in the blank with anything not tied to sex) was foreplay they started amending it. Foreplay was now more as state of mind. Spending an afternoon stippling the bathroom MIGHT increase your chance of having sex. And this is where the train jumped the tracks.

    Ladies – you would never point at a dead roach, call it a racehorse and expect the world to snap to. So why did you choose to mess up foreplay after working so hard to get it established in the first place.

    You changed the rules of engagement
    You failed to deliver the goods
    You showed you were willing to corrupt a process you established.

    Which led us to realize sex with you was not worth all you attached to it. It’s kind of like Frankenstein — only this time you turned on your own creation.

  51.  #51Uschi on September 18, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    my ex was ans still is an alcoholic and after we got married (I didn’t know then he was an alcoholic) the sex stopped within a few month of getting married. When I tried to start it I was told I was a horny whore and should go get me a nigger dick (sorry for that word but he said it I would never say the that word) I was married to him for 12 years but left him after 8 and never went back or looked back and I am glad for it. Even today sometimes when I smell beer on a mans breath it is such a turn off I don’t want to have anything to do with that man.

  52.  #52Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Jacques, Welcome, and what the hell kind of women are you hanging out with? I don’t know a single woman who’d even WANT you to go with her to see a Kate Hudson movie. (Though seeing my choice of film sure is a smart emotional move…if it’s genuinely given.) Sounds like your ex-girlfriend had no girlfriends of her own. And if the sex isn’t happening for you…here’s what’s actually going on:

    If you’re giving to “get” – Giving her company and emotional support and giving her her way all the time in order to get sex — you are cutting off your own foot. The “giving” part is NICE, but that’s not what we’re looking for, here. What we’re looking for, and my guess this is why you’re doing all this for her in the first place – is CONNECTION. It’s all in the “vibe.” And the vibe you’re putting out is that you’re a PUPPY DOG. That you’ll do ANYTHING for sex, even turn yourself into her girlfriend — which is NOT sexy. However, if you’re putting out that you love her, respect her, are interested in what turns her on and are willing to try the ballet once, or a Kate Hudson movie once, or watch her buy makeup once – just to be with her and have fun with her, and experience what makes her tick…and expecting NOTHING in return…then, you score. Erika is your ticket here — she specializes in this stuff for men. Find one of her comments here and go through to her web-site. Hope you learn a lot here…we welcome a man’s voice…Sincerely, Rori

  53.  #53Uschi on September 19, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    I really don’t like the attitude of this guy Jacques. For one thing he said “women” and therefore generalizing and talking of all women. Granted there are some bitch-slapping bitches out there who give women in general a bad name, just like it is with men. However, to take one experience and apply it to all women is outrageous. How would he feel if a woman said this about men and I know some do. I feel attacked and lumped in with women who don’t deserve the name woman or lady. Actually I resent this. This guy needs a wake up call. He feels absoposulutelytively yucky. He would never have a chance with me. No thanks I am sticking with my guy, even though we are having problems right now, at least he is a man and not a whiner.

  54.  #54sandra on September 19, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    Yes, I agree Uschi that it doesn’t work to say “you ladies want this and that….”. It is judgmental. I feel like Jacques probably has important experience to share but unfortunately the meaning of it is lost when it is expressed that way. Please Jacques, the way men and women communicate to each other is the key. Blame will never work for either party.

  55.  #55D2 on September 24, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I feel that Jacques like a lot of other males out there (including my husband) are probably pretty selfish when it comes to sex. Sometimes it doesn’t start out like this but I think as men get older they get “lazy”. I’ve never once turned down my husband for sex but I’m always supposed to be ready for it “to happen naturally” which is when he wants what I call “porn sex” – no foreplay, just stick it in, go fast and furious and you’re up and gone in a flash. It’s truly sad that men don’t understand that women aren’t ready at the drop of a hat (sometimes if I’ve been horny all day) but generally we need a little jump start to “get the juices flowing”. I’ve tried initiating lots in the past and pretty much have stopped because the rejection pretty much sucks your sexiness and self-esteem. I regularly give him pleasure while foregoing my own (secretly hoping he’ll reciprocate instead of bouncing out of bed). He’s gotten offended if I then start to take care of my own needs because I got turned on pleasuring him. I really think men can use sex much better than women as a weapon in their marriage. She may want to do some checking but I bet he’s getting frisky with someone else or doing what my man does and “relieving himself with porn” before I come home from work. I did some research on my own and found out that when I got rejected it normally coincided with him surfing porn on the net (not always but there is a definite connection). I’m leaning (way back) and trying to fit in “self-love” sessions to see to my own needs in the bathroom during the wee hours of the morning because he won’t leave me alone when I’m at home. While he’s making some efforts recently, if the time between our initmacy gets back to 14+ days again, I will move out of his bed and probably do everything to push him out of my life. I didn’t marry become nothing more than a prostitute to pleasure him and allow him to get his needs met while he ignores mine!! I’m a very sexual person, in great shape and don’t deserve “crumbs”. If I was in my 20’s and NOT married to him, I’d move out and move on. It’s only going to get worse!!

  56.  #56jazmin on January 8, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    im married to my jr high sweet heart we had a kid at 16 and 2 more after that but now he doesnt want to have sex but hes very loveing i dont get it im ready to leave but that seems like that would be cold hearted what do i do? i dont see this getten any better. he dont want me to have toys but he has watch porn is divore the answer

  57.  #57ashley on April 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Ok so similar issue. My husband says I’m not enough for him sexually. He’s been doing a lot of masturbating in subbosed secrete (I do laundry so duh). Andres been downloading porn videos to his phone and straight up lies ab having them. He freaks out really he does when I find them or bring itup. I’ve asked if he’s cheating but gives me a goofy look and says no I don’t do that. I’m clueless. Idk what to think or say or do. I need some help.

  58.  #58Rori Raye on April 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    ashley – run, do not walk, to Dominique and get some actual coaching around this – she will help you quickly: http://www.sexandheart.com – Love, Rori

  59.  #59Stephanie on May 25, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I have a very similar issue. I have been with the same man for four years now. I will try to keep a long story short so here goes. When we first started dating he would tell me that he needed space and that I was smothering him. So I would give him space whenever he asked for it, no questions asked. He would call me on nights we spent apart and want to talk for hours and hours, yet he did not want to see me. He would continue to tell me that I was smothering him, even though I would ask him what he wanted to do every day. He would always want to be with me, or call and talk to me on the phone every night. It was confusing. Later I discovered that he had been sleeping with multiple women, surfing dating sites, and having online relationships even though he swore that we were in a monogamous relationship. 6 months after I told him I knew, and that I was not ok with it, things were still difficult, so we broke up. We got back together because he felt that he’d made a mistake, he had taken some steps to improve himself and I wanted to try again. Jump forward to now. We have a little girl together and are married. He never has wanted sex with me, through our entire relationship, I feel like I have had to beg him for sex. Our child was conceived because of sad sex, we were both sad. When ever I try to have sex with him, we fight then have sex. We actually got into a routine, where he would only have sex with me on Sunday’s (I called that obligation sex) while all other days of the week, he would watch porn and masturbate. Our little girl is now 4 months old, I am having a hard time being intimate with him, and he acts as though he is happy with absolutely no sex. He masturbates in the shower every morning and is happy with it. I want to become intimate again, but I have no idea where to begin with him since I don’t think he has ever been interested in me. What do I do?

  60.  #60Rori Raye on May 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Stephanie – I know this is harsh – but if ever I read a story that, if I imagine myself in it and want to scream “Get me outta here!” – this is it. I just can’t imagine why you’d want to stay with this man. I’d at LEAST get a boyfriend who wanted to have sex with me! I mean, what would I have to lose? Before doing anything, though, if it were me (and I recommend this to ALL my clients in this situation) I’d make an appointment and sit down with a divorce attorney to make sure I had all my financial ducks in a row and KNEW I’d be okay if I left the marriage. Also – get the book “He’s Just Not Up For It Anymore” by Bob Berkowitz…see if that sheds some light on the situation for you…Love, Rori

  61.  #61Max on September 4, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Hi- My man has been acting weird since we got engaged. I once suspected that he was seeing another woman. I also found a message in his phone that he sent to another woman, i know i was wrong for me to seach his phone. He doesnt want to communicate with me anymore and even when i try to seduce him he just get annoyed and irritated.
    Please help, what must i do?

  62.  #62Rori Raye on September 4, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Max – I don’t know what’s wrong – but something is. Please look at Dr. Sheri Meyers book “Chatting or Cheating” and see if any of it applies…I suggest counseling or coaching, get my book, start using Feeling Messages and following the “4 Rules” and see if you can process your way out of this and into real communication. Love, Rori

  63.  #63Sarah on November 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    I feel a bit awkward commenting like this, but I read a comment on another website and thought to myself, well the worst that can happen is no one will respond. So, I figured I take the jump.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. Two years ago we broke up for a spell because he told me he was bisexual. He has never kissed by a man or been with a man sexually, but rather when he was 13 (during his parents divorce) a guy friend used to give him hand jobs. When I heard this, I thought he wasn’t bi, but I don’t really know.

    Anyway, we ended up getting back together and have been very happy for the last two years. We just moved in together about 4 months ago. We are both 24 and virgins. I really want to have sex with him, but every time we get close, he tells me that he is scared and nervous. He said we would try it when we moved in together, but that made it worse. He has only touched me once (except kissing) since we moved in and it’s only because I hassled him about it.

    I’m so scared that he is really gay. I know that it is impossible for you to tell without meeting him, but I just need some direction on what steps to take. I feel like garbage- that I am not beautiful or good enough. He tells me how much he loved me all the time, but I always ask myself, if he loves me than why haven’t we made love?

    Am I kidding myself? I am afraid of hearing the answer, but I need to know what others think of this.

    Thank you for listening.

  64.  #64Rori Raye on November 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Sarah, Welcome – and please – don’t panic. Given what you describe – I think most people would assume he’s gay and has no experience to discover that for himself. That doesn’t mean he can’t be a GREAT friend (and lover, too, on occassion!). It only means that if what you want is a relationship with a sex life – he’s likely not the one to give that to you. If you truly care about him as a person, and want him to be happy, too – don’t make this personal. It’s NOT.

    I’d do some research, and visit a GLBT center near you. I’d talk to someone at the center – a counselor would be great, and I’d bring my man with me if he’d come with. Information is free in a lot of places – and CRUCIAL here. Everyone needs experience in life. In dating, in sex, in everything. It’s hard to know what you feel and what you want when it never gets tested in the real world.

    Last thing here – this has NOTHING to do with your attractiveness. NOTHING!!! A gay man who has some experience with men may discover he’s bisexual enough to have sexual relationships with women (or at least make out with them). A man who’s not sure what he feels, but experiments a bit may discover he’s actually more attracted to women – though that’s a less likely scenario with a man who feels attracted to men and is stuffing that feeling down. A man with no experience feels all bound up in his head and his fantasies – just like everyone else. And, ultimately – though sexual preference has less to do with who you’re attracted to than who you fall in love with – who you’re attracted to physically and emotionally has to be experienced.

    Go rent Kissing Jessica Stein – it’s a great movie, and will give you an idea of all the different elements at play here.

    After some experience – he may have a better idea of where he’s at with his sexuality. For now, talk to people who know about this and get some good, real advice from them.

    He probably loves you a LOT and wants to make this happen – and it just may not be in the cards for it to go the way you want.

    Love, Rori

  65.  #65nlclo on November 28, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    i have the same problem, i dont know what to do. we have been together for over a year now and ever since we first started going out he has been crazy about me, he was super physically attracted to me, he used to want to touch me all the time. the first 6 months we wold have sex at least 1-2 a day, even more. even until recently he used to get aroused with me just kissing him, even at supermarkets or school or whatever, all i had to do was slip out a little tongue and he would get hard. now we rarely have sex, he used to complain because i was never the one to try to start it and that it was only him, but now, even when i tell him i want it he gets uncomfortable and tells me he just wants to let it happen…but still, nothing happens. when we do have sex (almost never) he sometimes gets soft DURING IT and cant even finish. its making me feel very insecure, like im not good enough for him anymore. im going crazy, i am so frustrated and insecure now. please help me, whats wrong with us?

  66.  #66Rori Raye on November 28, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    nlco – I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t say how old he is…but it’s possible there’s another woman, he’s having ED problems, and you need to ramp up the safety in the relationship and start talking from your heart. The questions need to be addressed to him…we’ll help you put together some scripts. Love, Rori

  67.  #67Sarah on November 28, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Thank you for the thoughtful comment, I really appreciate your thoughts and honesty regarding my situation. It’s very difficult for me to talk about this, especially in person. I often feel that others will judge me and look at me like I’m a crazy person with wishful thinking. I guess it’s just one of those things that is hard to say out loud.

    I will contact a local center, I doubt that my boyfriend will come with me. I don’t know how he is feeling about this- it’s one of those things we just don’t talk about. I know that’s unhealthy, but when you fear the answer it’s much easier to avoid the subject.

    Again, I thank you. Everything that you said brought me some level of comfort.

  68.  #68Jen on January 20, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Same problem here and I’m 30. My boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for 3 years and it just started to wind down after I got off the pill. But whatever, that’s what my vibrator is for.

  69.  #69Violet on March 3, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I am 23 years old, I have been living with my 25 year old boyfriend for the past 8 months. For the first 3-4 months we were having sex 2-3 times a week – what I thought was a normal “healthy” number. I am crazy for him and even in the begining I always wanted more, naturally the fact that he makes me feel 100x better than any man I have ever been with in my life contributs to me wanting to have sex more then 2-3 times a week, but I understand that has not a machine and has his own emotions/feelings/ thoughts/moods so I have always made an effort not to press for sex or try to coax him into it.

    So 8 months, a lay-off, a move and a knee injury later I find myself on a forum desperate for any advice I can get after a long night of crying as quietly as I can without waking him up. For the past 5 months we have been having sex 1-2 times per month. I feel like EVERY time we have had sex in the past four months I have just bluntly initiated and in most cases sort of “forced” it to happen. This behavior is totally out of my character because I struggle with low self esteem and in the past have NEVER had sex with a boyfriend unless they clearly wanted it bad…to be honest in the past 4 months the only time we have had sex it was purely based on me being desperate and him feeling guilty. Just typing that out makes my insides twist up.

    I have tried everything I can think of to get him interested again..I’ll do anything he wants to do as long as we both come out of it alive and we are not going to get arrested over it then I am game all day long and he knows this. Sometimes I will get into bed naked and he will come into bed put his arm over me and fall asleep without ever even feeling under the blankets to know I am naked laying there screaming inside my head for him to just touch me… I have tried a more direct approach – just straight out telling him how badly I want him, usually ending the same way as the naked in bed approach. I have hinted joked commented and even tried to trick him into having sex by tickling him and “accidentaly” fondling his general area so that he gets an erection – even that has failed on multiple occasions. Needless to say all of these efforts have ended with me feeling so horribly rejected, unattractive, unloved, unwanted and just downright ugly and disgusting – all while my seemingly clueless boyfriend sleeps blissfully inches away from me.

    To add more “heavy” to my head he has also been out of work for basically our entire relationship, resulting in me having to get a second job. In truth every hot meal, shower, scrap of clean clothes warm dry bed, every beer, cigarette and every rent payment he has had in the past 7 months has been worked for and provided by me. Not to mention we both smoke copious amounts of pot (also paid for by me). He has been putting in the effort to find a job but it is very difficult particularly now with it being winter (he is a seasonal worker) .

    In any case I find myself EVERY day seroisly questioning whether he even loves me or ever did…maybe this is just an easy ride for him and he doesn’t even care enough to muster up the effort to have sex or make it seem scensere anymore. How can I work 11 hours a day at two jobs and still want him more then he wants me every day?

    I don’t care about the stuff or money or time and effort that I have put in..if all that stuff was just scammed out of me then fine – fuck it…I am just scared to my core that he doesn’t love me, and that we truly have no future together.. that would be what really breaks me.

    What can I do? How can a man have a full on erection and be alone with the woman that he supposedly loves naked in bed and not want to have crazy sex? If it was an issue of eretile distinction then I would be 100% supportive and understanding – but it isn’t. How can a man have a full on erection and turn over to go to sleep? How does that even happen????

    I ask myself if maybe its me maybe I am not satisfying him…then I think back to my past boyfriends who asked for sex/oral sex every day, sometimes twice a day. I know that I try harder with him then I have with any x as far as putting in the effort to satisfy him sexually particularly with oral sex and still he turns me down. I am constantly thinking about sex I daydream about it I try to pleasure myself but it falls so short of how he makes me feel. Even if I use toys its still no good. I end up more turned on and sexually frustrated then when I started. I am so built up that even giving him oral sex would be some release… but even if I try to initiate giving him oral sex he usually turns me down, and I know for a fact that I am at least good at it. I think at this point I am going to do my best to stop initiating sex all together..if we go one day over a month without sex then I am leaving him – does that sound cold or unfair? Please let me know…I can’t live like this, but I also know that I can’t live with regretting throwing this relationship away. Please help! I love him more then I have or ever thought I could love anyone. I would get married to him today if he asked me to even if it meant that I never had sex again for the rest of my life as long as I knew he loved me.

    A soon-to-be broken heart.

  70.  #70Michelle on March 3, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    I need some answers

  71.  #71Rori Raye on March 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Violet – Welcome, and here’s my first thought. This idea that you “love him” and have to “have him” is all in YOUR head – and I’d ask you to look at it differently. In the simplest terms – things always are what they are. They can’t be fixed until they’re accepted. Meaning – being with a person who’s deliberately – yes, deliberately and knowingly – witholding the basics of relationship: sex – is not good for you. You have low self-esteem becasue you’re determined to get what you want from HIM – and, of course, he’s not giving it. Your best move here is to tell him to MOVE OUT!! To STOP supporting him! Put HIM in the friend zone! Get yourself together, write a speech, and simply say that this isn’t working for you as a romance and a relationship, and you’d like to stay friends with him, of course, but that you need him to leave so you can start dating other men. Straight out. Then you DO that! Start dating other men and leave him in the dust.

    He’s opting out of this relationship. Do NOT buy into his game. If it were me, I’d tell him I assume he’s gay, or no longer attracted to me, and that that might work as a friendship later on, but for now, it feels too awful, and I just want a clean break and some space. Then I’d cry and move on – AND have my own money!!!!! Love, Rori