What To Do If He Won’t Step Up – Emotionally or Physically

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Here’s a letter from Lila, who’s stuck in what I know is a VERY common situation:

“Rori, we’ve been engaged for almost three years. Whenever we set a date for our wedding, he changes it when the time draws near. I tell people that we are permanently engaged.

Also, our sex life is really bad. We have no sex life. He says he is going to see a doctor, but keeps putting it off. I am beginning to worry that I might not want to be in a sexless marriage. Thanks, Lila”

Here’s my answer:

Whoa, Lila – beware.

Many, many men – and most past a certain age – have erection difficulties.

It’s about stress and environment and too much estrogen being produced because of food…lots of things.

The only thing a man has to do is deal with it.

He can get pills, go to doctors, and solve the problem with many different healing modalities, with just a small bit of inconvenience.

I’ve talked to many women whose men won’t step up and do that.

It’s as though they truly don’t want to have sex.

This is a huge problem for him.

Now – here’s what YOU can do about this:

The most important thing for you to know is that there’s likely lots of anger going on under the surface here, and that’s what’s keeping him from doing something about the sex situation.

This is his way of controlling things (and he likely feels totally out of control in other crucial areas of the relationship).

This is his way of withdrawing from you.

You’ll have to get this anger out in the open – but you can’t do it by attacking him, or asking pointed questions, or suggesting he get help.

You’re going to have to FACILITATE him getting it out into the open – and it may not look pretty or feel good to you when it comes out, so be prepared.

When I feel there’s some tension and something hiding between me and my husband – I start with “Are you mad at me?” just to get the conversation going.

Then, I have to be willing to just stand there and HEAR him.

I can’t jump in and defend myself and have an intellectual conversation with him, and try to “talk” about it – I have to just LISTEN to him.

I have to just let him talk.

This is step one for you.

In my ebook, there’s a chapter on Listening at Level 2. This is MAGIC for getting stuff out in the open – and then if you combine it with the 4 Rules and Feeling Messages (also in the ebook) – you’ll be opening this thing up right away.

Next – you negotiate (also in the ebook).

Let me know how it works for you.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on July 28, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Ok so I tried to talk to my man, twice ok or once. The first time. I wanted to talk to him about that I was feeling unhappy and don’t want to be treated the way I was in the past.

    Instead he took over the convo and started talking about me flirting with his friend – I did.

    Then the convo ended after 2 min.

    Is this how it goes? I felt unheard.

  2.  #2Daria on July 28, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    And I felt mad and sad being around him after that, so I left.

  3.  #3Brenda on July 28, 2010 at 1:22 pm


    Did you tell him he wasn’t stepping up? Or that you are keeping your options open?

  4.  #4Daria on July 28, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    I’ve told him before, I didn’t really get a chance to speak much in that convo. I feel really unheard by him, it’s almost all about him him him. What i Did like about him was that he was contacting me everyday, and that i feel sure that he’s in love with me.

  5.  #5Daria on July 28, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    ♪♪I keep Forgettin…

    we’re not in love anymore…

    i keep forgettin…

    things will never be the same again… ♪♪


    ouch! addictive heartbreak

  6.  #6sapphire-n-jewels on July 28, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Please I need your assistance.
    I have Siren, Reconnect your relationship, the heart connection cd and also the ebook. But there is something I am not getting. I listen to Rori all the time but when it comes to it, I slip back into old patterns.
    I am not sure if you will remember, I split up with my fiance six weeks ago. After a huge row about whether he was having an affair ( in my heart I knew he wasnt) We have been back together twice now the last time was just before he went off to Egypt last week and he came back on Sunday. We had not spoken all week because when he phoned the first night I was out CD so did not pick up the phone (he was disappointed apparently). I then sent him a text appologising for missing his call.
    No contact back so the next night I sent a text saying
    “I am feeling angry, hurt and disappointed. I have asked you to let me know how you are and that it is important to me that you keep in contact. when you dont it feels like you dont care” looking at it now I can see that it was a blame message (can you help me with better words please)

    We spoke tonight and he tells me that he has realised that the type of women he needs to be with is a women that needs caring for and pampering that needs to be looked after. Apparently in the early days I did and he said the last two times he has come back is when he could feel that I was vunerable and needed him. He needs to feel needed because then he feels loved. I asked him what he means by being vunerable. Also what he meant by pampering and caring for someone and he said needy but that is not the right word. Apparently I am to confident in myself and he knows that I do not need him. In the early days he said that he wanted a confident women, who is independent. He feels that at some point in the future I will leave him. This is tearing me apart because god I need him and love him to bits.

    The irony is that I am here and trying to learn how to be vunerable and open. He said that he needs to be the man and that he feels I am telling him what to do. Everything that Rori is saying not to do. So why am I not getting it. Why am I making it worse.

    Tonight he said to phone him back but then he would not pick up the phone and me being in panic mode sent loads of texts to him and tried to phone him 14 times ( god did not realise it was that many)

    Ladies please help me get this back on track. I have been CD and meet another great guy who I got on really well with but he has backed off too.

    Tomorrow morning I plan on calling Tony (fiance)and if he not pick up leaving the following message

    I feel sad and that I needed to hear your voice.
    I dont want to fight
    How do you think we can move forward on this ?

    Is that ok or can you word it better?
    He still living away from home and is away working at the moment. How can I express my vunerability whilst he is not with me. I find it difficult talking on the phone because I get anxious that then talk to much.

    Ladies please help me get this. I so want to be this women that is open and vunerable and stop over function to the point of obsession.

  7.  #7Lizzie on July 28, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Sapphire – my heart goes out to you. I shall give this a go…

    “I am feeling angry, hurt and disappointed. I have asked you to let me know how you are and that it is important to me that you keep in contact. when you dont it feels like you dont care”

    I am angry- is a feeling
    I am hurt – is a feeling
    disappointed – is an expectation and judgment
    I have asked you – is a judgment and confrontation
    When you don’t do.. – is an expectation, judgment
    Feels like you don’t care – is an assumption

    I am feeling hurt and abandoned right now. It is a terrible empty feeling that is really awful and I am feeling hot burning tears in my eyes, I would really like to feel the beautiful happiness we had together, what do you think we can do to work through this?

    Oh! I am all choked-up with my feeling message – OMG I am going to cry! my my my, I triggered myself…

  8.  #8Lizzie on July 28, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Sapphire – trying with the next one….

    I feel sad and that I needed to hear your voice.
    I dont want to fight
    How do you think we can move forward on this ?”

    I feel sad – is a feeling
    I need to hear your voice – ? blah.
    I don’t want to fight? – oh really?

    Lets see how this feels:

    I am feeling a crushing sadness squeezing me from the inside out, I would rather feel the beautiful fullness and strength of love like we have for each other, I am wondering what we can do?

  9.  #9Lizzie on July 28, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Sapphire – more

    “feels like you don’t care” = I am feeling-
    uncared for

  10.  #10Lizzie on July 28, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    I want to feel:
    assured we can work through this rough spot
    trusting in the love we have for each other
    optimistic in the future we can build together
    tender love and care in growing together

    OK! I need a man now….

  11.  #11Sapphire-n-jewels on July 28, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Thank you so much for your feeling messages. I do like the last one a lot and yes I will reword what I will say. You listing the words like that makes me think maybe that would be something I can try when I am practising. I feel so frustrated with myself over this as everything he is saying is what I want to be. But can’t through this blockage in my patterns
    Thank you so much Jewels

    assured we can work through this rough spot
    trusting in the love we have for each other
    optimistic in the future we can build together
    tender love and care in growing together

  12.  #12Sapphire-n-jewels on July 28, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I have done a couple more
    I feel so scared
    I don’t want to loose what we have
    What do you think? 

    I feel confused
    Deep down I want to be open, but it scares me 
    What do you think? 

    I feel like I have to be the strong
    I want to let you in but it scares me to be open to you
    What do you think

    I want to feel:
    Confident we can work through this rough spot trusting in the love we have for each other optimistic in the future we can re build together


  13.  #13Sapphire-n-jewels on July 28, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Night night xxx

  14.  #14Nikita on July 28, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Hello Sirens,
    ……and lurkers 😉

    I feel inspired to express how powerful listening at level 2 is…. I’ve noticed people just keep talking and are able to form whole thought and ideas thus allowing me to grasp so much more of who they authentically are….and want to be. I notice them relaxing in a big way and growing affectionate and appreciative after being so fully heard….it is magical.

    The four rules in Rori’s e-book alone shifts everything…it’s like four pillars of freedom 🙂

    I loved that book so much….still love it -I do so little in my relationship now and get so much more….And as soon as I start “functioning” I feel wound up and off-balance, this let’s me know I’m working too hard and I lean back again…and within 24 hours I feel better, sexier, and more desirable….if all a woman did was practice the four rules as a meditation she would have her hands full just trying to manage her own insides and wouldn’t have the energy to over function! 😉

  15.  #15Daria on July 28, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Saphire and jewels – I feel triggered by your story.

    I feel uhoh and tightened up.

    It seems to me that you’re chasing him energy wise by calling him first. The feeling messages are best used at first for simple everyday things… Till they feel comfortable. Your messages are beautiful and optic and all about the relationship and him… The focus is all on the relationship and him. For rori’s stuff the focus is on you… And also leaning back.

    Leaning back is crucial to attraction. Feeling messages have a different vibe when sent out… They are then chasing him… Rather than him coming close and contacting… Then sharing feelings.

  16.  #16Kimberly on July 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm


    I encourage you to at least consider NOT texting or calling him and allowing him to have some space to himself. He will appreciate this *new* woman allowing him space and *not* doing her normal routine (calling and texting).

    And when he does call….


  17.  #17Nikita on July 28, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    …….when he does call there’s an element of mystery again

  18.  #18Tk on July 28, 2010 at 8:07 pm


    I Fully agree with Daria and Kimberly…. STOP!!!! lean back, you seem so emotionally charged and desparate to convince him… Lean way back and focus on yourself for awhile.. Breath breath breath.. He will contact you, stop panicing…. He seems so open with you, this is great.. He has told you exactly what he wants in a women and partner, amazing no guess work for you… And guess what.. This is exactly the siren you want to be, so when he calls you, which he will because you r breathing and being the lighthouse. you can genually thank him for being so beautifully honest with you and then slowly , one feeling message at a time you can express you fears.. But just one at a time, one per conversation, try not to bombard him…
    Go slowly, breath, and dont be so hard on yourself, you r a calm, beautiful siren, u r the lighthouse, so shine like your name saphire n jewels xx

  19.  #19Erika Awakening on July 28, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    If you just get very, very quiet … and do nothing …
    you may notice that when all the mental chatter is gone …
    you can feel him, even if he is not nearby …
    and you may feel him missing you …
    you won’t need to do anything …

    You’ll simply have a knowing, that when the time is right, he will come back to you …

    Good night, Sirens 🙂

  20.  #20sapphire-n-jewels on July 29, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Thank you all so much. Your comments made me cry.
    I know what my problem is I dont think it can work for me. I have just realised that I am scared of the intimacy of letting him in.
    I have leaned back and kept my distance over the last few weeks, giving him space to sort himself out, but that moves him further away because he is more closed to me when we dont keep in contact this has confused me because I expected it to work the other way. Him talking to me keeps things more open between us. He needs that contact.
    I did manage to get a feeling message out
    “I feel so insecure
    I want to let you in but it scares me to be open to you” He did react better than I thought he would.
    He again said that I have changed and once he moved in and we got the mortgage together he feels that I have relaxed and started to show parts of me that he does not like. I said that this is the opposite and the more he has come into my life the less relaxed I feel, the more I have to loose. He thought I was talking about the house and security of him being here financially. I said no Its not that the more he gets involved the more scared I get (he will find out about me and not like what he sees, i am terrified of the intimacy, i close off). He said that is what love is about you give 100% of you and that I am not giving that, hence I have changed. Eventually the other partner will pull away. He is very good at knowing me. Only thing is because of everything that has happened over the last six weeks how can I open up, so scared of being more hurt more than I already am. But if I dont he is more pushed away because I am not being intimate with my soul.
    I really need to learn how to be this woman to be intimate and open about how I feel inside.
    As said he was better today when I said my feeling message so that is a positive. Shown me that I can do it. I have said feeling messages in the past, often at the wrong time and it has not gone down very well. As you said above though maybe I was not using them to express me but to make him be affected by what I said = the vibe is wrong, so not authentic.
    Jewels xxx

  21.  #21sapphire-n-jewels on July 29, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Listening at level 2, I am not very good at this and tend to butt in especially when talking to Tony, its as if I cant wait to get my bit out, drives him mad.
    I am trying to improve my level 2. I am better face to face, it is over the phone that i have real trouble with and because he works away a lot most of our difficult talking is on the phone.
    He keeps telling me I am not listening to him, he is not feeling heard.
    Practice is the key here. I have so much to learn
    Jewels x

  22.  #22sapphire-n-jewels on July 29, 2010 at 1:17 am

    You also talk about the four rules

    Dont try to control your partner
    Dont try to control the outcome
    No critising, judging, warn, coax etc
    Learn to take no for an answer

    The four rules in Rori’s e-book alone shifts everything…it’s like four pillars of freedom

    ….if all a woman did was practice the four rules as a meditation she would have her hands full just trying to manage her own insides and wouldn’t have the energy to over function!
    What do you mean with the above, why if I stop doing all the above will I have my hands full of me. Is that because i am then not distracting myself that I have to look at me or because I will be spending all my time trying to not do the above.

    Interestingly I do all the above. He tells me i do
    Not taking no for an answer

    Asking him questionings and making him wrong

    Trying to control everything including him

    All these things he has recently said to me – if i did not know better I would think he has been reading this website and all of rori stuff himself

  23.  #23Daria on July 29, 2010 at 3:29 am

    I feel a bit bad… I got a couple guys “sort of” in my rotation who are doing the feminine energy thing – or are they?

    They are also 2 of the 3 men i’ve slept with this year – I slept with them because I wanted to have sex.

    I feel kinda unheard by them – and I feel angry.

    I feel resentful that they’re not giving me what I want.

    I want to be with a man I feel is into me and treats me in ways that feel good.

    These men want me to come to them – and I have been in the past, though many many times I’ve passed.

    Yet somehow after maybe a long time, somthing comes up and I think, oh it will be fun to hang out with them, and then I do, and it feels bad, because I feel like a friend.

    Nonetheless, I feel good that these men are contacting me – they do want to see me – and I feel a lil guilty / grateful – uhoh! – because I think, well other men don’t even contact me – at least they’re consistently wanting to see me.

    But I feel so angry that when they do contact me, I feel tightened up anger…

    and when I express it I feel unheard

    my guess is they have anger too – they both seem to be angry tho not necessarily in touch with it – I flirted with their friends in both of their cases… and they both were jealous at the time…

    It feels werid because I’ll get an IM for example, like hello how are you, and I’ll answer it, and then he’ll ask me to come over – then i feel mad.

    Then I tell him i don’t want to just be friends…

    and he says “oh what thats supposed to hurt me or soemthing?”

    and then i feel unheard and confused – like what is he talking about im not trying to hurt him…

    I feel weird and unheard, yet these men continue to contact me and want to see me, i don’t want to block them or cheat myself.

    I would like to clear my energy and boundaries around this.

    They both want to be friends – and I care about them – but I have feelings that are more than friends.

    In one case I know he has more than friends feelings — tho he has said he “can’t be with me” because I was flirting with his friend — not really trying to “be with him” but it felt bad.

    why am i wasting time on them?

    because they are contacting and asking me out, and talking to them feels fun, i feel interested and amused, and I feel good when I receive the special attention from them

    so they are contacting me, but then i feel mad, and I feel at an impasse –

    they are both not giving enough sexually either for me, one is shy and prude the other is arrogant

    i feel heavy and kinda confused and bad

    i like them and it feels good to have their attention, but it feels bad to be friends when i want more, and it feels bad to not have my sexual requirements fulfilled

    I would like to shift this, I would like them to call and say , you know wow, I’ve been treating you bad, and you don’t deserve that. I want to take you out, I’m going to come see you and take you out to eat, and then I want to please you, and I don’t want you to do anything back. And I’m going to keep treatingn you good this way, I really like you, and I’m going to treat you this way even if you’re not going to be with me in the end, it’s your choice, but I do want you.

    that would feel, surprising… scary… good… exciting… numb… uncomfortable

    I love my feelings

  24.  #24Daria on July 29, 2010 at 3:36 am

    I feel excited taht I do have one papi that is goig to come on the BART and bus from where this other papi – that was on the im that i feel bad about him asking me to come to him – lives.

    so now I will receive this and feel more possibilities in receiving more, and holding firm my boundary that I don’t want to be the one going to him a majority of the time

  25.  #25Daria on July 29, 2010 at 3:45 am

    It feels compelling to reach out and treat one of these men – getright man – as a friend. It feels like we are on a tv show sitcom… we are each a character… and have a special connection… so that when we get in touch it feels casual and comfortable and connected and safe.

    it feels kinda icky in person though, when i actually do kick it as friends… it feels kinda lonely. i feel a bit sad at times. and when i did try the experiment of being his friend – even flirting very clearly with his friend and letting go of romantic expectations with getright man – that didnt feel good either and he got jealous and mad of my talking to his friend.

    sometimes when i feel lonely it feels easy to contact him because I know 90% of the time he’s going to be down to “kick it”. He always is like that with everyone.

    And I feel easy and like I know him, as far as contacting him, it feels comfy, yet I don’t really want to chase him or be his friend.

    But i DO feel close to him friendwise. so what the hell?

    this feels confusing

    I DO want to feel close and comfy, I DO want to be there for him, but I don’t want to be “just” friends, I don’t want to be spending time with a man I like who is not treating me the way I want.

    I don’t want to have sex with a man who isn’t 100% into giving me what I want in bed.

    I like that one!

    and i feel guilty now, like I’m blaming him/ and him/ for not being into certain sexual shit, and I don’t want to blame

    I do feel kinda mad and resentful, I feel mad that I’ve had sex with them before, even though the sex was for me, though the last time i didn’t intend it, and ufff…

    When they do contact me they generally say casual stuff like…

    whatsup… wanna come kick it with me at my grandma’s house after i’m done eating?


    hey.. what are you doing? wanna come over?

    and I feel triggered at this point… I DO want to spend time with them, that would feel fun, and i Don’t want to feel lonely and like just a friend… even though it feels good that thye consider me a friend, and I don’t want to have that be it.

    I feel kinda weird and not good..

  26.  #26Daria on July 29, 2010 at 3:48 am

    then responses to me saying my i dont wants have been stuff like…

    whatever then you are trippin


    no response…

    so that doesn’t feel good, then i feel unheard.

    i feel sad.

    it feels sad to feel so disconnected when at the same time I feel so comfortable and close to someone

  27.  #27Siena on July 29, 2010 at 11:46 am

    …over the course of 3 days, email back and forth:

    Him: Up for happy hour sometime?
    Me: That might feel fun! What do you have in mind?
    Him: Saloon, Big fish, Sawdust, ect..???
    Me: Any of those choices would feel good to me.
    Him: What time?

    (haven’t responded yet)

    Here’s my true response:

    “Hi Match guy, to tell you the truth, I feel turned off by all the questions. I like it when a man steps up and makes the plans without asking me a bunch of questions. So now i really don’t want to go out with you, but I HAVE to because Rori says I do.

    I don’t give a flying frick what time because so far, in my book, your seeming inability to step up to the plate has really turned me off and I don’t want to have anything more to do with you.”

    …wow, trigger! That’s what I really feel, but I’m taking it out on this guy who doesn’t deserve that. I feel so tired of men not stepping up to the plate! I’m just sitting back, doing my thing, but with NO men stepping up to the plate it makes my dating life very boring!

    …still, boring is better than drama.

    And the rest of my life is fine.

    I’m gonna be honest with him and let him know that I feel bad but I feel turned off that he’s asking me all those questions… tomorrow. First I’ll have a little fun and see if we can extend the one-line email convo to a full week!

  28.  #28Brenda on July 29, 2010 at 12:07 pm


    I agree with men taking initiative on plans. But some people were raised to make mutual decisions. I think he’s really just trying to be considerate of your preferences. Be gentle with him like you are with us! 🙂

  29.  #29Brenda on July 29, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Last night was my date with 62. He was respectful and kind, but I just have no interest in dating him again. I just don’t. Maybe I’ll see if he wants to date my friend, Franny, who’s older than me.

    We met at a diner for a drink and then went to Franny’s house at her invitation for a movie. It went well. I just can’t fall in love with a man who looks like he could be my daddy.

  30.  #30Jennifer on July 29, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    soooooooooooo judgemental.
    I love my judgemental self.
    I love my picky bitch self.
    I love my high degree of difficulty self.
    I love me I love me I love me.
    I do I do I do I do I do I do.
    Does anyone believe me yet?
    New matches at Eharmony.
    One dude…looks like a hispanic pilsbury dough boy…and is a handy man at home depot.
    Another looks like rob snider…
    I can’t make this $h!t up
    Meanwhile, every time I go to judo, instructor leans all over me and gets in my space for non instructional reasons.
    Dear Universe.
    This is NOT funny,
    fer real.

  31.  #31Jessie on July 29, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Hey Sapphire-Jewels
    My man is in saudia right now (we have been engaged for a year) and trust me –dont do what he tells you….do what you feel like doing. IF they tell you they want to be pampered…who cares? SO do I! Tell him when he says he wants this….mirror him –say OH my goodness, so do I! Make your relationship reciprocal…or they will never respect you! My boyfriend used to walk all over me until I figured out that when I spoiled him, he treated me bad and was really conceited and flirted with other girls, since I stopped and LEANED back (for my own sanity) then he started calling me all the time from saudia and asking how my time was and saying he missed me….when he comes back at the end of the summer–he is visiting his mom –then I will do even less and it keeps HIM sane…or else he starts thinking he is gods gift to women and I think he would probably cheat on me! what a world eh??? this man wants to be ignored in order to be respectfulll. oh well.

  32.  #32Rosa on July 29, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Hi all,

    I have only posted a couple of times on here but read often. With the help of Rori’s work and the advice here I managed to end a 5 year Imaginary relationship. I had done the whole overfunctioning thing and I was so far leaned forward I almost had a permanent kink!!
    I want to say how much this stuff works.
    The feeling statements ,the power speeches , all the Rori Raye tools, waiting to see if he can step up and dance or just falls over his own feet , these have really empowered me.
    I met and dated someone for a while but continued to CD others and when I stayed leaned back , he complained that he couldnt imagine having a relationship with someone who was only available some of the time ! I then explained that I did not want to be a girl friend etc and he rapidly disappeared 🙂 I felt GREAT , empowered , happy to have ducked that one !
    Meanwhile I have met someone who is a really good match for me .Over time I will see how he steps up! So far he is driving to me , paying , suggesting interesting dates (making me dinner on his boat next weekend ) ,and I am leaning back. I also explained on the second date that I was interested in meeting new people , making friends and going out until I found myself in a long term committed relationship and that this way meant no pressure dating. He just treated me MORE like a Queen after that. I have also been emailing others and have another meeting soon. I am also very much filling my diary with activities with girlfriends and friends and taking a Wine Appreciation Course for fun.
    I feel so much less stressed in general , no worries about outcomes and I am waiting to be surprised!!!
    I will also comment regarding being “surprised” , and responding in the moment and going with the flow and not my own expectations-..The BEST thing I did to help this was classes in Impro Theatre – having no scripts and learning to just BE , eg, in one class the instructor says to group of Four ,”You are are now a Post Card of Paris”..someone does the Tower,someone is a poodle, immediately we all have to arrange ourselves and BE something . (I laid on the floor and was the Seine .) I really encourage anyone who wants to have great fun practicing losing your own agenda and being surprised and just being in the moment and not your head to look out these classes!

  33.  #33Rosa on July 29, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Forgot to add , I am 50 years old and having nearly as much fun as my teen sons!

  34.  #34Amy F on July 29, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    So happy you went on a date! Yeah!
    Keep that heart open. Do you remember the TV show Dynasty? Blake Carrington, the main character was old enough to be my grandfather, but if I had the opportunity now, I would date him in a hot minute. Morgan Freeman – old enough to be my dad but wow!
    You sound so much stronger this week. Yeah for you!

  35.  #35dorothea on July 29, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    “You sound so much stronger this week. Yeah for you!”

    that is sooo true. yay brenda!

  36.  #36Brenda on July 30, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Thanks, Amy and Dorothea!

    Yes, I am feeling better overall. Still struggling and still missing Ryan, but I am gently shifting my focus when he comes to mind. I am trying to focus on becoming my best self!

  37.  #37Brenda on July 30, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Wow! I feel so excited after getting a very positive email from a new man on POF…I’ll call him Balto, cuz he’s from Baltimore, MD!

    After a couple of emails, where I wrote my general interests, etc, I ended like this:

    Those are important questions you asked me about romance. I would really like to share my feelings about romance with you, but I feel pretty vulnerable sharing that and would feel more comfortable sharing it in person. What do you think?

    Good night!

    See what he wrote:

    Hi Brenda
    I like you just as you are Brenda… I like your size (in all directions!)… but I’ll be supportive of your wish to change if you feel strongly that you want to… I’m a very big guy too… and I exercise daily because I want to be in better shape also… I just want you to know that I accept you as you are now… and I think you’re very pretty!… as you are now… Ok?

    You and I like a great many of the same things Brenda… I don’t think we’d have any difficulty together, finding things to do or places to go, things to watch or even what to eat…

    I will say at this time… I notice your profile says you don’t smoke… I don’t smoke cigarettes… but I do smoke a tobacco (ONLY) pipe…. one or two a day… I smoke them outside… I hope that’s not a problem but I wanted to mention it to you…

    I like what you write… Thank you VERY much for sharing your poem! I write too… though nothing I’ve written has been published… Perhaps if you want, sometime I’ll share some of what I write with you also…

    Now… you say you would feel more comfortable sharing your feelings about romance in person… and then you asked me what I think… I’m trying to understand what you mean by that… are you saying that you’d like to meet me soon? and talk about it then? Or are you saying that you don’t want to share those thoughts at all for a while… until we do meet some time down the road?

    If you’re saying that you’d like to meet me soon… I’m all for that! I’d like to meet you too! That Is what I think… Yet we’ve only exchanged a few emails… so I’m just making sure we have our signals straight… could you help me out please and be more clear for me what you want in this respect? Would you like us to get together soon? Or will we be waiting a while?

    If you would like to see me…. please give me a phone number or a way to reach you… so we can talk and pick a day and I’ll drive up to see you, or we can meet somewhere in between… I think I’d enjoy meeting you very much…

    I hope you have a Blessed day Brenda… and I’m thinking of you… and I pray for you…

    Thank you for taking time for me… I Really enjoy hearing from you Brenda.

    I just wrote back:

    Hello Balto,

    I feel so warm from your email, like cuddling in your arms by a fire on a cool night! It would feel so good to meet you in person…ASAP!-) Thank you, also, for your acceptance of my current size. I accept you, too. I feel most interested in what is in your heart! Same with the tobacco…I admit I don’t feel thrilled about it, but I accept you xactly the way you are! I would feel comfortable to share my feelings on romance with you our first time meeting. I feel respected, and I appreciate you being sensitive to me.

    I would love it if you came up to see me!

    Have a wonderful day!

  38.  #38Brenda on July 30, 2010 at 9:20 am

    I finally made a decison how to respond to 62:

    Hello 62,

    Nice to hear from you! I love to walk by rivers! I used to go to Blue Marsh Lake a lot and bike, walk, and swim there. There’s something about water, and moving water in particular, that is so peaceful and beautiful!

    I enjoyed spending time with you, too, thank you! I feel interested in being platonic friends, but I admit I don’t feel comfortable with our age difference. If you would like to have dinner together or go for a walk or a movie together sometimes, I would enjoy that!

  39.  #39Brenda on July 30, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    I want to go to the beach.
    I want to go on a vacation to Europe.
    I want to change jobs to something I really enjoy, like helping people.
    I want to lose weight.
    I want to get all neat and organized.
    I want to stop being so silly around people (a reflection of my nervousness and insecurity and loneliness)
    I want to have all the money I need and be debt free.
    I want all the Sirens to have all the money they need and be debt free! 🙂

  40.  #40dorothea on July 30, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    i like your list brenda. it’s basically MY list.

    i went to europe last year for two months, and went to the beach. i went to the beach last week in Florida. Yum yum!

    now i am trying to save to go to mexico to the beach for christmas

  41.  #41Renee on July 30, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I feel nervous and anxious…my falling out with my former best friend is about to hit the fan in the form of a newspaper story about the way she took my car for what was supposed to be 2 days and ended up keeping it for 2 months, all the while promising to buy it from me.

    Anyway, she’s a political bigwig in my state and the paper’s going to do a story on it, but I’m so afraid that she will make up lies about me and tell them to the reporter and that he’ll print them!

    I have a knot in the pit of my stomach partially due to talking to the reporter but also because the court-ordered mediation is coming up next week — next Wednesday to be exact.

    Even the attentions of 2 of my CD’s today can’t seem to help me shake this anxious feeling…I’m going to try to sink into it and see what happens.

  42.  #42Brenda on July 30, 2010 at 1:21 pm


    Whew, sorry to hear that. No fun to deal with at all.

  43.  #43Renee on July 30, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Thank you, Brenda.

    I just hate having to go through this, but I really have no choice…I guess it’s kind of like what Rori says about our feelings — if you put them off, they’ll still creep up on you one way or another.

    I’m still grieving the loss of our friendship, but I feel so betrayed — it’s really the pits when your best friend screws you over financially!

  44.  #44dorothea on July 30, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Renee, do you want the paper to run this story? how did they even find out? i work in politics myself, and i get very anxious about media coverage saying anything bad about me, so i feel u!

  45.  #45Renee on July 30, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    I feel angry
    and anxious
    and rejected
    and betrayed
    and lonely
    and taken advantage of.

    I feel an awful knot in the pit of my stomach that feels like a very black bowling ball has been slammed into my gut and I can’t find a way to get it out of there.

    I’m trying to accept and feel my feelings instead of stuffing them, but I have to admit to just eating a pint of Phish Food ice cream.

    What do you do with these awful feeling when they come upon you?

  46.  #46Renee on July 30, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Dorothea, I called the reporter myself because the story was going to break sooner or later and I wanted to have some control over how/when it was released. I also wanted to make sure I got to tell my side of the story.

    She would rather it just go away, but I’m hoping the criminal charge will be enough to get her kicked off the ticket. She’s a triple-A con woman and she conned me for a long time…I knew she was prone to exageration, but I really never dreamed she’d take advantage of the person she proclaimed to be her “best friend” like that.

    She would make a total mockery of the Lieutenant Governor’s office — she can’t even balance her checkbook — she’s always bouncing checks!

  47.  #47Daria on July 30, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Renee – find the feelings in your body, and tell the feelng and the part of your body that you love it… THEN check how that feels… it should morph and change… say you love the new feeling… how does that feel (to love it) … it will change … etc… till it gets to feeling good…


  48.  #48tinque on July 30, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Renee – You sink into them, feel them as deeply as you can. This allows them, so they have the freedom to move and then move on out, transform into another feeling, maybe a better feeling one.

  49.  #49dorothea on July 30, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Renee, the paper will be running this as a he said-she said story. It is going to be hard. If they post it online, the public can comment freely. If you can will yourself not to, don’t look at the online story where you can see the comments.

    We are here for you. Keep that chin HIGH, girl!

  50.  #50dorothea on July 30, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    also, the readers and the media forget SO QUICK. even if it turns out awful for you, it’ll all be over very very soon. two days to a week.

  51.  #51dorothea on July 30, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    it might also turn out that she won’t comment. this happens a lot when people are contacted by reporters who are in the wrong.

  52.  #52Renee on July 30, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Dorothea, thanks for the warning. I don’t see how I can be accused of any wrongdoing though — she’s the one facing a criminal complaint not me. All I did was be too trusting in believing her when she said she’d pay me for it. But I’m sure you’re right — it’ll run that way and I’m sure I don’t want to read the comments…she’s got quite a few people conned (including her runningmate) and I’m sure there will be people who somehow blame me (for what, I don’t know, but anyway).

    Daria — I tried what you said about just saying I love my (feeling name) and that did seem to help. I leaned back, tried to sink into the feeling, and just said to myself, “I love my anxiety, I love my fear” etc. What was interesting was the words that seemed to come to mind to say — I actually said, “I love my wickedness”. Wickedness? Where did that come from? Apparently, even though she’s screwed me over, I feel guilty about trying to get her back.

    I hate disagreements and I hate having to do this, but I don’t want to let her just get away with driving my car into the ground for 2 months and then abandoning it in a bad neighborhood with the keys in it. It’s not fair!!!! And I realize the world’s not fair, but this time, it owes me something!! More precisely, it owes HER something — some payback for all the people she’s screwed over in her life!

  53.  #53Renee on July 30, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Oh, she’ll talk — that’s what she does best — talk. She could sell ice to eskimos, so she gets away with it — I know of several other people she’s screwed out of money — thankfully, one of them eventually approached her runningmate and the campaign paid her to basically go away, but I hope that tipped her runningmate off as to what a con woman she is!

  54.  #54Renee on July 30, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Thank you, girls, for being here for me. This has been weighing on me for weeks now and it feels good to pour it out!

  55.  #55Jessifer on July 30, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    I have a rule about friends, I never lend anything…not money, cars, food, presents, posessions, unless I dont want them back….I have never “loaned” any money, I just tell them (from learning how good friendships go bad over money and stuff) that I can give it to you but I wont lend it to you. I never lend a car and I have lots of roommates (6) very close ones and I feed them and drive them lots of places (never charging gas) and when it comes to lending the car–I say no. BUT, the weird thing is, that they always end up doing so much more for me than I do for them AND they never ask unless they have to because they know that I will give it to them –if I have it so it doesnt become a bank machine thingy going on between people who cohabit or are very close…..I think you were very kind to give your car RENEE, and I am so sorry that this happened to you –and the whole paper thing is unbelievable…I would suggest a personal confrontation and maybe a good talk with the person, who seems to be floundering with her life and try to be human with her and tell her you care about her as a person because that may be the reaction she would never ever expect and even forgiveness with some love because we are all in need of love these days –arent we…and I am sending some care and kharma to you in your troubled times….

  56.  #56Mermaid on July 30, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Wow Brenda! Your email to Balto was great! You are such an encouraging siren. I can’t wait to hear more!

  57.  #57Rori Raye on July 31, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Thank you, Jessifer, for this lovely balm. Love, Rori

  58.  #58Rori Raye on July 31, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Renee – here’s what’s going on…you’re standing tall, getting bigger, showing up for yourself, telling the truth – and it’s shaking your old ego pattern up so bad it’s screaming. It’s your Nasty Voice making you anxious. I know from here it’s hard to know what to do and what to say – it’s like when we ask for a raise or ask for more than what our old selves think we should have, or do something publicly that’s strong. You’re just going to have to ride this out and keep talking to yourself. One of my dear friends has a great personal story about how politics and media changed her life and how it felt…yes, it’s scary…and I choose to believe this is going to have a powerfully positive impact on your life as a whole, and your romantic life in particular…every time I take a step up the public ladder, I shake myself up…just do it anyway…and talk yourself down when you worry about what ANYONE will print about you…that’s life these days…you can tell the truth on your Facebook…Love, Rori

  59.  #59Brenda on August 1, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    I like you, Rori. You’re my muse! 🙂

  60.  #60sapphire-n-jewels on August 2, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Hello All
    Had a good weekend, learning to scuba dive so was away all weekend doing that. Did speak to my ex fiance on Sunday and again today. I want to bring out my feeling messages. These came up in emails from Rori over the last couple of days, “Be his safe harbour” and also “Be his heart beat”. I do have another question, how does talking about my emotions get him to open up his emotions, little confused on that one. At the moment he seems to be guarding his and not expressing them.
    I do not want to be talking about the relationship next time we speak but still want to keep the talking up so plan on sharing about my day.
    Do I start writing feeling messages to me about things that come up in my day and then share some of the ones that feel right to him. I have started working through the Heart Connection Tool kit and going to script five to each topic in there.

    Next question, I have CD with a couple of guys, find it hard fitting it in as I have my 14 year old so cant keep going out every night.

    Last week I went out on a Saturday and then Monday with the same guy we got on well and very close on Monday, to the point of him getting me to touch his heart to see the effect I was having on him lol, He would not explain how he was feeling because he said he did not want to scare me off. He was very keen that night and did not want me to go home. We have discussed the sexual side and said that we both need to get to know someone well first
    He been through a very difficult split with ex wife two years ago, to the point that she had an affair, shafted him and had him beat up. Anyway Tuesday he was distant and then on Wednesday I asked him why he backed off (mistake one). He said “im just a little scared, I will come rnd, I do like you” he then phoned and we have been texting all through the week. He mentions about seeing each other but then backs off. He did it again last night and now not heard from him all day. I want to share how I am feeling, to practice. I feel that to be able to work through his scaredness that we need to spend time together but cant find the words to say it.

    No 1
    “I feel disconnected”
    “I need to be around a man to feel connected to him”
    “What do you think we can do”

    Like the above because it is all about me

    No 2
    “I feel disconnected”
    “I don’t want to put pressure on but I dont feel there is a way forward”
    What do you think

    This one feels confrentational

    No 3
    “I feel disconnected”
    “I need to feel a connection with a man by being in his presence”
    “I understand your not ready, but if we dont spend time together then I dont see how we can get closer”
    “What do you think”?

    Or should I just let him go. I do not want to continue the texting, because it makes me feel frustrated.
    Maybe that should be the feeling message

    “I feel frustrated”
    “I feel disconnected unless I am seeing you/near you”
    “What do you think”

    Some tips ladies.

    Thank you XXX

  61.  #61sapphire-n-jewels on August 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Hello All
    I have done a lot of reading on this blog tonight and I have had a bit of a thunderbolt moment. With everything that I have put above, I am still trying to control the outcome, rather than letting things be.

    Also one of my “unique” problems is how I interpret things and perceive them to be and not necessarily how things are for that other person. The only thing I can now for sure (and that is only if I listen and get in touch with me) is how I feel, how something triggers me to feel and how I react to that feeling or not.

    Because I spend a lot of time at level 1 when I am listening, I do not fully understand what the other person is saying and I am only absorbing what the meaning is that I am giving to what they are saying. This often used to frustrate my ex fiancé because when I used to reply to what he has just being telling me by expressing what I thought he had said he would he would often get annoyed and say that I did not listen to him.

    Yesterday I texted him to let him know that I was going to be late back from my course, he phoned me back within 1 min but because I had turned my phone on silent I did not pick up the call. Now from past experience he has got annoyed when this has happened. Later when I realised that he had phoned I got all anxious and left a voice mail message that would have been very apologetic and leaning forward – not being a Siren at all. On my two hour drive home I was thinking that again he is going to be annoyed and beating myself up, and that he was ignoring me because I had not picked up the phone – only to find out that when he phoned me back later that he had been round a friends and could not talk. So I spent two hours of my precious time worrying about nothing, what a waste.
    The moral of my story is that, there are lots of things I need to work on for me.

    Listening at level 2

    Not listening to my voice in my head that gives a
    meaning to something that I do not know is true

    Working on my overfuncting and letting things be including ex wife guy. When I hear from him again I might still share my frustration about the texting but only as a way of sharing my feelings and if he cant handle that then is what is meant to be.
    Night Night Sirens. Take Care xxx

    PS I was wondering whether Rori would be able to add a page to this blog where we could script feeling messages that we produce that could inspiring each other. What do you all think (opps sorry) FEEL

  62.  #62Brenda on August 3, 2010 at 2:58 pm


    We were talking about formulating very similar feeling message in the thread on “Love Tips from a Man”, starting at about Post #144 and forward.


  63.  #63Sapphire-n-jewels on August 4, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Thank you Brenda
    Love sapphire x