What To Do If He’s Not Ready…

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manbrokenheartThe Question:

“Rori,
I have been reading your blogs for years and I would like to tell you a little about myself because I would like your input and I think that it is a situation that many other women have been in or are currently in and can relate to.

I am 25 and have been in one of those “on again off again” relationships with the same man for over four years now, and it has just ended again. This is the first time I myself have ended it.

He and I are living together and he expressed just recently that he was unsure about marriage and children with me and about his feelings for me.

I took your advice and immediately ended the exclusivity and started circular dating.

So far, it just feels like I’m going through the motions with it though.

I’m not interested in any of these men that I am seeing and the close proximity to my ex is making it too easy (for the both of us) to fall back into relationship-like habits.

It always feels like our relationship is actually the most enjoyable when we are broken up.

We feel better connected to each other.

I know this is because he doesn’t feel pressured and I am responding to his interest in me. All of a sudden, it’s like the beginning of our relationship again. en I remember we are broken up and feel nervous and start analyzing his actions towards me.

It still feels like my happiness depends on him and that’s exactly what I’m trying to stop. I don’t want that feeling anymore and I want a committed husband who wants children.

In the beginning, that is what he wanted too.

The circular dating has helped my self esteem, but I am struggling with being independent of him.

He’s stringing me along and that scares me, but it’s hard to let go when being with him feels so good.

My feelings are conflicted. Please help. Alice”

My Answer:

Alice – basically – you’ll never feel like you’re doing much but “going through the motions” Circular Dating because you’re in this “living with” set up!

AND – Please keep DOING IT!!!

It’s the best situation. It’s the best way for you to figure out what you want. It’s the best way for you to learn how to speak honestly to a man, straight-forwardly.

Tell the truth as YOU feel it.

Keeping him under your roof is a good move…

NOW you have to get your confidence up to an all-time high – AND – perhaps he’s actually not READY for marriage, family, etc…..but he might be later on?

Most women of 25 would NEVER consider getting married and having kids so young…!

So – look at what you truly want, when you want it…

CDing is not about meeting another man.

It’s about building skills and confidence.

Make that why you’re doing this – Free Therapy…

Love, Rori

 

 

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84 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 6:56 am

    “CDing is not about meeting another man.

    It’s about building skills and confidence.”

    For me, CDing was also about meeting new people, having fun and figuring out that J was not the only man on the planet. It really helped me let go of him because, although I wasn’t finding much romance, I was having a lot of fun. I also was not interested in most of the men I went on dates with but I tried to enjoy each moment and I ended up meeting some really cool people.

    I think if women can make it FUN, it will change their life. If they make it about finding their soul mate, it will feel very frustrating. Much of the time it was frustrating for me too but once I let go and just enjoyed the date, it was a lot of fun.

    I don’t know about keeping him under your roof though…that seems odd. Why would any woman live with a man who doesn’t want to marry her or have children with her when that’s what SHE wants. Seems to me it will be close to impossible for her to find the relationship of her dreams because men who are willing to offer that to a woman might not if they know that woman is living with her ex. I know if I were dating a man who was living with his ex, my heart and mind wouldn’t even consider a commitment with him…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  2.  #2Vi on October 17, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I feel moved.. “we don’t see things as they are we see things as we are” (c)



  3.  #3Waterfall on October 17, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Mercedes – can I ask you – what changed for you? I mean can you remember the moment when you ‘let go’ as you put it.

    Also, I’m wondering what your thoughts were around that time.



  4.  #4Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Waterfall: I don’t really know what changed because J did manage to pursue me and we’re back together forever. I know cding kept me from crying all the time. It kept me from obsessing over what went wrong. I was so hurt and angry and sad when I was alone that it kept me out and about and enjoying life. It allowed me to laugh and smile and just enjoy moments.

    I think I actually let go of J before I started dating other men but I somehow remember thinking that everything was over. I had lost the perfect man for me and I would never really love again. I wasn’t concerned about getting him back (I didn’t want him back) but I really thought that nothing could have been as good as what I thought he and I had. I believed I had lost at love forever. Dating and having fun (and actually meeting one special man who I cared for very much) helped me see that life went on without J and that love was possible.

    J muddied all that thinking by getting me back. It was a very long time ago so it’s hard to remember what exactly I was thinking or feeling but I do remember that when I started enjoying the dates (even with men I wasn’t attracted to at all), I starting enjoying life a lot more. Most of the men I didn’t date more than once or twice but I tried to find something fun in each experience. It was those experiences that I would focus on whenever my mind wandered to what J and I had.

    The hardest part was not comparing all those men to J. I did it constantly at first and had to consciously make myself think of other things. Those dates gave me something else to put my mind on when I would catch myself remembering old times with J.

    I don’t know if that helps at all…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  5.  #5lilo on October 17, 2013 at 9:41 am

    i have a question… how can i send a letter to rori? thanks in advance



  6.  #6Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 9:54 am

    I feel a bit tires if my feast or famine. I have a lot of attention or none. I’m ready for something more consistent.



  7.  #7Angela on October 17, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Mercedes I so want to be in that place of letting go. And enjoying the men I date. But the voices are so strong. “He left me for someone better prettier saner”And then I feel smalln I don’t think these voices thoughts beliefs fit into the modern siren attitude, or is there any true to it?



  8.  #8Angela on October 17, 2013 at 10:10 am

    Mercedes I so want to be in that place of letting go. And enjoying the men I date. But the voices are so strong. “He left me for someone better prettier saner”And then I feel small I don’t think these voices thoughts beliefs fit into the modern siren attitude, or is there any true to it?



  9.  #9Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 10:15 am

    From previous post I don’t like the idea of settling him in at all. It feels like work or “doing”….
    Feels tiring to think of orchestrating this settling in.
    I may just start cding instead if I was in that position and just be authentic and tell the guy I want more invested and more time etc….and see what he does. Either way he’s gonna do what he wants.
    I don’t want to act like a convincer.



  10.  #10Sophie on October 17, 2013 at 10:35 am

    re 1 Mercedes – I agree I didnt understand the living under the same roof thing either – I thought she was going to suggest moving out straight away and seeing how that distance felt ha ha I had to do a doubletake when the advice was the opposite…I know its in Rori’s only story that she was able to stay living with her (now) husband and CD for herself and that is STRONG! I think I’d find it very hard…

    (((Angela)))) I don’t know your story but I know those feelings…my ex got in a relationship with someone else days after we separated (if not before but I don’t know that) and it was a whole other layer of healing I had to go through but everytime those thoughts or nasty voices came up I refused to abandon myself by believing them…I had to keep step by babystep being on my own side…and refusing to believe those thoughts were true BECAUSE Angela they are NOT true (((HUGS)))



  11.  #11Lemonbutter on October 17, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Angela, I know that voice all too well too. And that is why I am finally dwelling my feeling place, instead of my thinking place. My feeling places loves me, wants the best for me, knows I deserve, knows I am good enough…better knows I am valuable.

    My thinking place is full of insecurities that cause me to shut men out, which leads to all sorts of hurts.



  12.  #12Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Angela: There is no truth to those thoughts at all but I understand them…all too well. I really had to “fake it til I made it”. I was miserable…which is why it was so important for me to get out there and find my life. My life did not depend on any man…I just had to find out what it DID depend on (the answer was and still is ME).

    The right man for you will see you and love you exactly the way you are…and he will continue to see you and love you as you change and grow.

    Those thoughts you have are certainly strong ones and I know how powerful they can be. Learn to enjoy little moments…moments that have nothing to do with him…and everything will change for you. Do you use a gratitude journal? I journaled a lot during that time in my life (still do actually) and the gratitude journal helped the most. I was able to find lots of little things (after a while anyway…at first I was lucky to come up with three) that I could smile about and appreciate. I was also able to (after a LOT of thinking sometimes…lol) find something about the men I was dating that I could be thankful for. Each one of them brought me something (a distraction from J, a fun laugh, a fun date, a lesson, whatever) that I could say “thank you” for. Writing those things down was a blessing.

    Sending a huge hug to you. I know the pain very, very well.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  13.  #13Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Sophie: I know, right! I’m pretty sure if I was with a man who didn’t want the same things in life as I did, I would have to leave. And…I can’t imagine living under the same roof with a man who I had just broken up with. It would be very, very hard to move on with my life and let him pursue me if he chose to. It would be almost impossible not to “do” something to try to get the relationship back. Heck….I might even fine myself trying to settle him in. LOL!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14Angela on October 17, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Thank you Sophie. It feels good knowing I’m not the only one with these feelings. Its so easy to give in though ugh, every time I see a gorgeous woman I feel small. Maybe I’m giving my power away? Hmmm. I’m enough as imperfect as I am I’m enough. Even if he called me crazy(giggles) . I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want me. That feels lovely.



  15.  #15Femininewoman on October 17, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Emerson I get you. For some the dance of the relationship helps them to bring their boy energy into motion and there might be some men who are okay with the woman doing that.

    The term had me thinking of how a man was doing the same with me. Just that things were stalled or seem to be moving slower that I was comfortable with. So I broke the exclusivity agreement.



  16.  #16Angela on October 17, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Lemonbutter yes I think I have to let my goood feelings take over. Its a sweeter place. And Mercedes yes I will try out all your tools. I want to feel better! Amd mmaybe



  17.  #17Lemonbutter on October 17, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Angela……I haven’t met a single human being yet who wasn’t imperfect in some way 🙂



  18.  #18Angela on October 17, 2013 at 11:07 am

    And maybe this addiction to this man is really a wake up call yes Mercedes I want to enjoy my life. Maybe I’m a tinybit dissatisfied with it and now is my chance to embrace it.



  19.  #19Lemonbutter on October 17, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Angela 15, it’s not just about letting good feelings take over, it’s about not letting untrue thoughts take over. It’s okay to feel, you can process and make sense of feelings.



  20.  #20Sophie on October 17, 2013 at 11:14 am

    ha ha Mercedes I actually laughed out loud 🙂



  21.  #21Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Angela: Did you see my quote the other day? I think it applies to insecurity as well: “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is…a dissatisfaction with self” – Joan Didion

    When you work on getting satisfied with yourself (your true self) and you learn to love yourself and feel confident that you are as you are supposed to be (and that you, as with the rest of us, are a work in progress), your life really will change for the better. It might be slow changes at first but if you learn to notice them and be grateful for them and not beat yourself up when you backslide, it will be amazing!

    And if you feel “small” when you see a beautiful woman, my suggestion is for you to (the second you notice it), sit up just a little straighter (or stand a little taller), put a soft smile on your face (the easiest way to do this is to sigh and as you exhale, allow your lips to turn up into a smile) and visualize your prettiest self with a candlelit glow around you. Over time, seeing yourself like this will come naturally and that smile will be there a lot more often with very little effort on your part. Your confidence will grow and those women…well…you’ll probably notice them a whole lot less often.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  22.  #22Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Sirens I’m taking good care of myself and being gentle with myself… I have a date with a new cd tomorrow night…not that excited about it but you never know.



  23.  #23Sophie on October 17, 2013 at 11:23 am

    13 Angela i’ve been called crazy too and all sorts of horrible things and I remember at the time those words could wound me over and over but….I did lots of tools too some Mercedes suggests and other things like writing lists and lists of positive affirming affirmations which I would then make my mantra whenever I felt the fears and doubts coming on strong – now I can’t even remember the horrible things that were said to me

    it was just for me (and still is) a conscious effort to replace the negative self defeating thoughts with positive self affirming thoughts…slowly the self defeating thoughts were not quite so powerful – I felt so vulnerable after this nasty ex that I really did have to do ‘intensive’ antidotes 🙂 Maybe he did me a favour after all ….



  24.  #24Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Emerson: 🙂 I love hearing that! LOVE it when I hear a siren recognize that she is taking good care of herself and being gentle with herself. As women, we are born to “take care of” and “be gentle”…why not start with ourselves, right?

    You sound beautiful…peaceful and lovely.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  25.  #25Mercedes on October 17, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Sophie: That was key for me too…conscious effort. None of what I did (well…not most of it anyway) came naturally to me. It felt natural to wallow in my own misery and cry myself to sleep every night.

    I chose to become a better me (one that I could love). I chose to have a better life than the one I was providing myself. I chose to literally say “STOP” when I was entertaining negative thoughts and revert those to something…anything…positive in that moment. I had to consciously stop those thoughts.

    As comforting as negative stories can be at times (there’s something about convincing ourselves that we need to be miserable and cry right then and there that feels comforting sometimes), they serve no real purpose. It was easy to make myself cry or hurt with stories from the past or made up stories that never happened. It was harder to stop, notice the moment, find something to smile about (or smile anyway…just because) and think a positive thought or make up a positive story but I did it.

    Like you, I also felt the negativity slipping away and now, today, it really doesn’t enter my life very often anymore. I just don’t have room for it. I prefer to smile…now, smiling is much, much easier than crying. What a wonderful shift, huh?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  26.  #26Lemonbutter on October 17, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I was pretty much entangled in negative thinking for so long, that it was difficult to see truth through my own imagination.

    I feel untangled….and beautiful. I feel open and vulnerable. I feel tense in my head, and soft, and ever-changing in my body.



  27.  #27Dominique on October 17, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Angela – 6 – Here’s an article from awhile ago which may help.

    http://sexandheart.com/hot-women-are-everywhere-does-this-stress-you-out

    xxoo



  28.  #28Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    I feel completely overwhelmed but I am still taking care of me



  29.  #29Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Thanks Mercedes ….I’m feeling pressured and disappointed all at once ….related to family and work…



  30.  #30Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    I’ma be the Coach to how to be a Sex Bomb… while you’re single, and Go for the your marriage as a Goddess…

    eeeeee 🙂



  31.  #31Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    eee rewind

    its actually jsut suppose to be How to be a Sex Bomb… and get married like a Goddess

    somehing like that

    cuz of course ima still be a sex bomb!

    i really like me…

    i have high self esteem and i can encourage that in people

    yayyyyy

    i loooooveeeee me

    thank you Boy Daria 🙂



  32.  #32Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I LOVE BOY DARIA!

    I dont give her/Him enough attention!!

    omg

    Boy Daria does so much for me!

    He is always on top of it to tell me what to do

    and make sure im doing it right

    and give me helpful tips

    and watch over me

    protect me

    make sure its going well

    make sure i dont get hurt

    thank yo uBoy Daria

    whoa that reminds me of my dad

    very triggering right now

    thank you Dad

    whoa

    this feels way uncomfortable i feel nauseaus

    and i mgiht cry



  33.  #33Cris on October 17, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    working hard in switching my energy from masculine to femenine..

    Marriage is not an easy thing. I don’t think it is fair to set a kind of deadline for taking that decision or asking about that. Some people take the decision in 2 years, some in 8! and can be a mutual decision.



  34.  #34Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    i kept hearing judgemtnas and complaints and put downs while i was writing that

    and i stuck to appreciating boy daria

    ad i felt soooo triggered

    i dont know if i can handle this

    and i want to

    cuz it felt sooooo goood

    to talk nice to me

    even if ‘me’ didnt always talk nice to ME

    i can talk nice to him

    omg

    i feel sooo like im having a realization

    tahts it feels lik too much to feel

    .

    whoa.

    if i talk like this to me

    i will talk like this to men too

    no fuc9kin way

    an to my kids

    everyone

    and ESPECIALLY

    to ME

    wtf

    i found a new way to talk to me respectfully

    i feel melted

    i feel in tears melting knees on the floor feeling

    whoa



  35.  #35Cris on October 17, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    sorry! I used three times the word “decision”!! I wish I knew how to edit my comment 🙁



  36.  #36Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    and its Not me being ‘not all of myself’

    cuz i DONT WANT to be mean to myself

    i DONT WANT to hear that

    for myself!

    whoa

    so its not about like im hiding something rom men

    if id otn show my judgement

    or peope in genral

    actually.

    its just me CHOOSING what to express

    smh

    oh Boy Daria, I love you!

    I cant believe i get to choose what to express… to MYSELF!

    that feels so fukkin EXCITING!

    no man could give me THIS!

    im freakin able to change my whole world right now

    by talking to msyelf respectfully

    and praising myself

    no matter what im hearing! from outside or myself

    i can use the Choosing part of me… to Choose what i repeat. express. choose to say

    what fukkin waht!

    thats gonna change my relationship to myself

    my self is so fukkin cool

    thank you

    i appreciate Boy Daria for making sure im always cool

    for making us look Fly

    for making sure we look Fly

    for taking care of our Flyness

    thank you boy Daria… you the Flyest

    MAc Daddy 🙂

    and i love u



  37.  #37Daria on October 17, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    now i got my pops all in my conscious

    we’re debating legal vs lawful contracts

    smh

    i bet he never knew it but i kno my shit make hella sense tho

    abd i feel so much more at peace

    wtih myself right now!

    wow!

    thank you Daria for being such a solid at peace wise …

    what am i

    rite thn i was being a chess piece

    smh

    im wat i wanna be

    i love my Dad

    i feel all softened

    i feel less scared now

    i guess i gave myself some kinda special strenght right now

    i feel strong like an old man

    i feel scared

    in my chest all trembly tingly

    i love msyelf

    mmm

    i amgood i can count on myself i gott a good calculation and judgmnent

    i GOtta be right

    what i say snt the wrong thing cuz i speak out the heart

    ima see what he says too

    and it feels scary

    naw man

    nobody knows better thanb me

    u know wats scary about this world

    that im like Buddha …

    and evryone gots to learn from me but not everyone knows it

    i dont even know yet

    someohw

    im jsut alaways right

    people diss ppl for that

    but its not for me in my case

    m the real deal

    wisest person on Earth

    God as the chessplayer

    thats me

    im playin chess i see the whole world

    hwo can i share this great a gift

    with the world

    i feel

    powerless up here

    swept away dowbn tghere

    I need to share my gifts some how

    uffff



  38.  #38Daria on October 17, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    im in Charge .

    o fthe wghoooollle World

    UFFFF

    i feel disconnected

    i feel swept away

    i feel scared

    what if it was easy

    Boy Daria or God Daria its so awesome that you got this power

    and can see the world like this

    this has ne aweed, it has me sileneced

    i feel so important

    so amazing and Big

    thank you

    I appreicate feeling like the greatest human on Earth

    part of the big important club

    like thsi

    u def got Significance

    I love men like that

    im really feelin that Feelin right now

    im Queen

    im flyest

    im boss

    im that huge one

    thank u

    uffff

    it feels

    uncomfortable feeling liek this for son long

    i feel panicked

    i love my feelings

    thank you Boy Daria

    i feel like this wind is gonna sweep me away

    wow

    that felt freakin awesome

    thats what we do it like

    in my family

    Boy Daria

    and all my peoples

    yeah

    🙂

    i feel goooood

    some people dont have that feeling

    as much as i do

    mmm

    that feeling is the SHIT

    mmmm

    i felt so powerful

    so ON

    LIke that GIRL IS ON FIIIAAAA

    lol

    mmm

    ok i feel all charged up

    gonna do some shit now



  39.  #39Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    wow, something is shifting for me. feeling really detached from my ex and realizing what a self-centered a-hole he was…and feeling like I’m ready to have sex again and I’d like to with hometown.(!!!!) wow, so interesting how this stuff works and feelings can be so elusive yet so revealing when they are not pushed down and covered up…

    of course he’s nowhere to be found now! hahahaha!!!!



  40.  #40Lisa on October 17, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    I have a lot of married men coming towards me… humm that’s interesting that hasn’t happened in a long time… though friendship.. and nothing else.. but interesting…

    Went on a hike today to a waterfall…. it was nice…

    my feelings were hurt today when I was told maybe my time to get a man is gone since I’m 50… b/c men want younger women and older men that are fit want younger women , and that I might be past my prime and that how did I feel about the possibility of spending the rest of my life alone…

    oh but this person was kind of enough to tell me I’m a cougar and very attractive and young for my age.. but it really is the numbers that matter…

    yes, I am… hot and amazing, and have a lot to offer and if a man is so hung up on numbers that he can’t see what I have to offer then, I don’t want him.. that is what I said to this person!!!

    but I felt sad and depressed and like crying..

    I think @Mercedes… I feel that same way.. what I had was good, but not good enough… with “M” and though it was close to everything I wanted… and I’m to the point of resigning myself to…

    and I’m out having fun

    and life does go on…

    OXXOXO



  41.  #41Zia on October 17, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Mercedes #1 – “I think if women can make it FUN, it will change their life. If they make it about finding their soul mate, it will feel very frustrating. Much of the time it was frustrating for me too but once I let go and just enjoyed the date, it was a lot of fun.”

    Nailed it 🙂



  42.  #42Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Lisa, was that a man saying those things to you? Personally I would shut someone out of my life who is spewing such garbage out of his mouth about me. What the hell does he know (that’s just a bunch of rubbish he told you) and what business does he have telling me crap like that??? GRRR, that makes me mad. I just won’t permit people in my life who are saying negative things about me and my life. That’s just a bunch of BS and I don’t think someone who says stuff like that has your best interests at heart. I would be extremely wary of someone like that and wonder why they have a need to take me down a notch. Insecure people do this to make themselves feel better. YUCK!!!



  43.  #43Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    PS that reminds me of my ex I think that’s why I’m so triggered!!!!



  44.  #44Daria on October 17, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    whoa Liquid Light what a shift! are your hormones shifting?

    I feel intrigued by the changes that happen for me like lil gears turning…



  45.  #45Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    No not at all…I just think that we need to protect ourselves from that kinda crap, that’s all. that guy obviously thought he could get by with spewing out that nonsense and for what reason? To make her feel badly. Such BS!!!



  46.  #46Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Lisa, please don’t let his words affect you negatively, just toss them into the garbage and move on.



  47.  #47Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Btw, I find it to be a bit weird when someone says its hormonal if someone is upset/emotional…why does it have to be hormonal…I dunno, that just really bugs me. also sorry if you are triggered by my being triggered but its just he way I feel…no biggie



  48.  #48Daria on October 17, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    not hormonal like you’re feeling upset, but hormonal as in literally shifting hormones…

    my hormones affect me strongly … especially when it comes to sexual attraction…

    the most powerful feelings i experience are related to hormones, and the thoughts kinda just ride along with that experience

    its an experience all throughout my body, espeically i can feel it making me hot or cold, changing the flow my blood and my breathing… sometimes my heart will feel warm and BIG and juice… sometimes its a thudding or bigness in my womb… it feels pleasurable…

    i can also feel my adrenaline hormones sometiems…

    it feels powerfully fascinating…



  49.  #49Daria on October 17, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    for me when i suddenly find myself open to sex especially with someone new i notice it’s a ‘hormonal’ feeling…

    othertimes i can even notice the hormonal turn on in in a montly cycle



  50.  #50Daria on October 17, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    oh i see i was referring to the shift about sex, in your post, not to Lisa’s situation…



  51.  #51Liquid Light on October 17, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    oh OK, thanks for clarifying…sorry about that

    yeah, its interesting to me too and exciting! I think its because I’m really FEELING like I’m over my ex, its different from trying to get over him, or going through the motions…now I’m really feeling it and it feels good…WOOHOOOOO!!!!

    now I’m feeling kinda hot for that guy…WOW!!! 🙂



  52.  #52Indigo on October 17, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Good grief Lisa! #40

    If that was me, when that person started talking, I would smile and walk away from them. If I was feeling generous, I might laugh, and if I was feeling like not putting up with BS, I would say “be quiet” and walk away.

    But I would definitely not stand there and listen while someone tells me it’s all over for me. What do they know! 🙂

    ((hugs)) to you



  53.  #53Veronica on October 17, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    (((Lisa)))

    To me, it’s HIS very limited opinion and you don’t have to believe him at all. I would treat his opinion with incredulity as though he just told me that the world was flat. Is it possible next time, if you want to even, think of yourself as treasure, so that next time somebody comes with this ‘I believe everything is tin’ mentality, you can think to yourself ‘No, this is gold right here, sorry you can’t see it.’ ? I ask this of myself too because I also get affected like that sometimes, especially when I feel particularly sensitive.



  54.  #54Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I have been using feeling messages and practicing being poetic when texting ….and talkin to men lol



  55.  #55Cris on October 17, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    @Lisa, one of the best things of being 50 is that you don’t need anyone’s opinion to live your life 🙂



  56.  #56Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    Lisa that would really hurt my feelings too…
    It’s also no true at all….
    There are many good men that find all ages of women attractive…
    Whoever said this is not a friend. Sounds kind of uneducated and narrow minded. It is NOT true. Maybe this person is jealous of you, but it doesn’t matter.

    Move on and keep following your dreams.



  57.  #57Emerson on October 17, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    55 yes I agree with Cris. 50 is the new 40 anyway!
    Look at Shania Twain, I think she is 49…super gorgeous and cute husband!!



  58.  #58Millie on October 18, 2013 at 1:13 am

    I had this thought yesterday talking to one of my friends…how as much as I want a relationship, I am realizing I’m not really ready for one…

    I had an on/off relationship for five years that was really my first love/infatuation experience. I finally cut him out of my life for good a few months ago. I always thought I was “over it” because we had broken up so many times that our issues weren’t “news” and I was able to bounce back quickly. (not sure if that’s good) I realized with some of my recent experiences with men that I’m not over that five year experience. While I have no desire to return to that relationship, there is a lot of residue left inside me…I still feel affected by certain things he said, certain things he said about me, and the experiences we had…I realize that I may be “over it” on the surface, but at a core level there is a lot for me to deal with. I actually believe that in some ways I am traumatized. Not that he beat me or anything serious like that, but I have trauma…and new men trigger that trauma unkowingly. I’m not damaged, but my reactions are telling me that those past experiences are still with me, shaping my fears, shaping my opinion of myself, shaping how I perceive men and how I feel they perceive me. There is a serious lack of faith running through all of these. I think when someone is young and vulnerable with little experience, the encounters they have really affect them, like a child.

    when I acknowledged-“I have trauma and I’m struggling with it,” I felt more at peace than I have when trying to tell myself other things. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Acknowledging that I dont feel ready for a relationship also felt good. I may want one, but I worry right now it would be laying more trauma on top of trauma–and this would not be any man’s fault at all. It’s just me. I’m not really sure how to deal with these feelings/experiences…I’m not really sure what or why they are…The triggers are feeling not accepted and feeling like an outsider, feeling unwanted and unloved, feeling like I am unwanted (not necessarily my body) but ME is unwanted during any sexual altercation…there’s more I’m sure…

    It’s interesting to me how all this time I thought I was over that experience, but when the man is gone, the desire is gone, you’re left with the shards. The love may still be there, but it is not enough to carry me anymore. I acknowledge these feelings now.



  59.  #59Lemonbutter on October 18, 2013 at 2:24 am

    I am feeling similar Millie today. As if I need to clear some past experiences before I am ready to be really open to someone new. I am still in therapy and want to see that through to the end, because it feels difficult in and of itself.

    I woke up this morning and was re-feeling a lot of anger, hurt, frustration…which is strange because yesterday I was feeling accepting, compassionate, sad, longing and soft.

    Today I feel like I’ve been put into a bottle and shook. I feel rattled. Aching in my chest.

    I am trying to convince myself this man has gone for good, but I am also scared that he may come back, and what I would do or say if he does.



  60.  #60Lemonbutter on October 18, 2013 at 2:29 am

    Lisa 40….I feel annoyed that someone would say that. My mum, who is frankly hot and gorgeous and attracts lots of men half her age, is 51. She would certainly disagree with the rubbish that person said.

    People love to project their own crap onto others.

    I feel a deep sense of loathing of people who judge women by a number, but don’t place that same perspective onto men.



  61.  #61Femininewoman on October 18, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Lisa that man as far as I am concerned is just reflecting either what men talk about or what he thinks. That is all logical BS that doesn’t matter when you connect emotionally with a man who feels your siren vibe. Just this week I had a man 10 years younger than me telling me how wowed he is with me. How much he wants me in his life and want to grow old with me. I encourage you to let that type of talk bounce off you like water on a duck’s back. I woulda told him imagine getting some a this and watch all that goobly gook belife fly out the window.

    He knows better than what he is saying. Unless he has been living under a rock.



  62.  #62Daria on October 18, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Feminine Woman – it feels empowering reading your words. Yup i feel good we have the power to connect emotionally and let the ‘logical’ ‘conventional thinking’ melt away like ice turned to water

    I actually have this same perspective around the judgements men talk about/ hold about sexual women



  63.  #63Millie on October 18, 2013 at 7:21 am

    @59 Lemonbutter

    I can relate to how you’re feeling. I often feel inconsistent from one day to the next…

    As far as worrying about if your man is coming back…I think it is good to replay “what if’s” sometimes, because then you can visualize yourself handling that in the best way for you. I would use it as an exercise for strengthening yourself, rather than having the focus on him. I imagine that’s creates some anxiety….



  64.  #64Lemonbutter on October 18, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Millie, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I am going to do that, and use that visualisation to feel/experience the situation positively. The idea of him coming back can create a lot of feelings of anxiety sometimes, and I think that has a lot to do with not being sure about how I would conduct myself or what I would say. So the visualisation could definitely help with that.

    Thank you! x



  65.  #65Turquoise on October 18, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Wanted to check in…. Does it seem like Rori’s advice lately is changing? The settling in, and now this article, sounds more like waiting than really encouraging her to CD to meet someone who wants what she wants… and what is this about CDing not being about meeting new people? I get that it’s always been about building your confidence, but it was also about shifting your focus off a man who wasn’t giving you all you wanted and being open to new men and relationships.

    I feel confused. Why the change?



  66.  #66Indigo on October 18, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Turquoise,

    I have definitely noticed it. Yet I just respond to it the same way I do to any advice coming from someone whose opinion I respect… I weigh it, and see if it’s right for me or could possibly work for me. I suppose there’s not one size fits all solution for all people and all circumstances.

    But I understand your confusion 🙂



  67.  #67Millie on October 18, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    Turquoise,

    I felt similar about reading about “settling in” especially when I read about buying a big screen and putting sports on and then leaving room….I wouldn’t feel authentic doing that, but I’m also not at that stage in a relationship so maybe I would feel differently about that advice if I were in a different place.



  68.  #68sequoia on October 19, 2013 at 6:08 am


  69.  #69Femininewoman on October 19, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Turquoise for me its about change. Shifting. Changing. Experimenting. See what works. I believe as humans we are too focused on getting to the end goal. Getting settled into routines and doing the same same old. Sometimes it is good to shake things up a little.



  70.  #70Lemonbutter on October 19, 2013 at 10:45 am

    sequoia #68, thanks for posting that link.

    I read it and have some mixed feelings.

    It feels somewhat unhealthy to ‘duck’ and avoid saying to someone that what they are doing feels bad, feels harmful etc. I felt constricted reading it, as if she had been repressing her feelings.

    However, on the other hand, she was getting on with life…just as Rori seems to encourage women to do, and left the man to work things out on his own.

    So it’s a mixed bag for me. It feels good on one hand, and unhealthy on the other, but either way was certainly an interesting read, and I didn’t see the wife as weak at all, quite the opposite.



  71.  #71Daisy Duke on October 22, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Wow! This situation sounds all too familiar. I have had my on again off again relationship with my ex husband. We are now going in 8 months of being back together and we had come to terms that he is still IN love with his ex.
    He says losing me would devastate him but he knows he needs to work through his “demons” and “feelings” he says. He says, “I’m a great friend but I really suck at relationships.”
    So now we are taking a huge step back. I will have to find a job and we decided I would move out once I did. We are going back to the “dating” stage of our relationship. I told him that I did not want to assume we were exclusive because I already have trust issues with him and if I am not WITH him then I will have even worse ones if exclusive is on the table.
    However, I am still in this fear that maybe he’s just too toxic for me (even when I feel like he’s the love of my life but I am not his…). So I am debating on returning back to a different state and not even be in a “dating” stage with him but simply just friends. Because I’d rather feel completely free to be me while he works through his “demons” and “feelings” and is able to love someone the way he loved this other girl.
    I feel more like I’ve been rebound for him and while he loves me… and says he doesn’t want to lose me.. I don’t see where any of this is beneficial to ME..
    Still not so sure how to approach it all yet. I’ve got a few weeks left to make up my mind. :/



  72.  #72Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    I feel I’ve come to a point where I am done with men who can’t make up their minds, or are not over an ex.

    I just don’t want to know about it, or deal with it anymore. 😀

    I tried on and off, on and off with someone who was still emotionally attached to a woman who didn’t want him. Yet three years on, he still bringing up certain things from the past to do with her. It’s a horrible situation, and I sometimes feel resentment for experiencing that, but I know better now.



  73.  #73Cathy on October 23, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Lori ,
    I have questions
    I fall in love with men about 5 years
    I’m so him how much I care for him , with all think I do for him
    I show to him
    I know his know but his never ask me out ?
    How can I tell him directly
    I cannot way to long any more
    Teacher me how to tell him
    How can I try to ask him out
    To see if his accept
    How do I let him ask me out ?



  74.  #74Rori Raye on October 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Cathy – If a man is not asking you out, or hanging around you – he’s not interested. This man likely knows how you feel about him, because, as you describe your situation, you are demonstrating to him all the time how much you like him. He might even not be interested in women, period! There’s no way to know.

    If you can let him go – that would be your best bet. Just don’t pay him attention at all. If he likes you, he’ll be curious why you’re all of a sudden not “all over him.”

    If you must find out how he feels, just go up to him and ask him out to a movie. Straight out.

    Please then, whatever he says, get some help from the wonderful women here (if you can tell me your primary language, perhaps I can even find a coach for you in that language! – I have a French speaker, Romanian, Russian and Spanish speakers…any of those work for you?) Love, Rori



  75.  #75Tamiann on October 25, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Ok, this is the first time I’m posting on this blog. Have so much I want to say, but I’ll start with this;
    I am recently divorced (officially 7 months) after 17 years of marriage. Most of them not very happy, but we had two kids who are now 13 & 14. I met someone before I was actually divorced but separated and I started seeing him. He is a dream, I’m so attracted to him, he’s so sweet and smart and makes me feel like the most important person in the room wherever we are. I’ve met his family, but have tried to introduce him to my boys but they weren’t ready and it went not great, which is one of my issues. How do I move forward and kind of have two lives, like me as a mom life and then a single life with a boyfriend? Am I being unrealistic? I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like, but this doesn’t feel like it. Secondly, He’s perfect- almost. Hate to sound this way, but I will just be honest, he was a bartender when I met him, not making great money, had no car. We use my car to go everywhere, he never had a lot of money but would spend anything he could on whatever he could for me. Like a carry out bunch of roses, he’d cook dinner for me, a cheap bottle of wine, and was open to do anything or go anywhere I wanted. Without complaint. Even shopping, flea markets, etc. He has become my best friend as I have lost friends after the divorce. So, anyway, I’m rambling. He lost his job and now although looking and trying hard, I’m becoming tired of this. I’m struggling myself and don’t want money and materialism to be the thing that decides life, but I don’t know and I am reluctant to even try to introduce my kids to him until he has a job, and a car and can pick me up for a date. They are teenage boys and I don’t think they respect him because of the car thing. help. i’m so confused. and tired.



  76.  #76Margie on October 26, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Hi Rori

    I’ve been with my partner for about 8 years and living together (7yrs), we have three beautiful children. When we were dating i told him what i want from a relationship like i wanted to get married and have children and he wanted the same. Now whenever i mention the “M” he says he’s not ready or doesnt want to get married (he’s been married before but no kids). My dream’s to get married, what do i do? Your advice’s much appreciated.



  77.  #77Rori Raye on October 27, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Tamiann, Okay, this is just me, going off of what you write – and he sounds GREAT! So – what exactly is wrong with a great boyfriend at this time in your life? Do you really need something serious and permanent? Can’t you just have fun and feel loved? As far as your sons are concerned, I’d talk to a counselor who has experience with this (Allana Pratt is a fantastic single mother http://www.AllanaPratt.com – go talk to her – her son is 11) – AND I’d talk to your sons and make it clear that you expect them to be on board with any decent man you bring home. That if what they’re hoping for is some leeway as they become teenagers, they’ll best give you some, too….AND – you don’t HAVE To bring him around them! Yes, you CAN have 2 lives! Love, Rori



  78.  #78Rori Raye on October 27, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Margie – I hardly ever say this – but you’re obviously co-habiting legally, you have children, and a good relationship. Pushing for marriage at this point will not help you. Ask Dominique…. Love, Rori



  79.  #79Beautiful Butterfly on October 29, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Hi Rori I hv a very similar issue and I rly need help because I’m confused. I met a man about 2 years ago, I hd just broken up with someone and decided to go out and enjoy myself start circular dating…and met him. We started seeing each other hvng dinner, goin on dates but I was still dealing w the brk up so I told him I wntd to remain casual, he agreed…..I strtd to see less of hm I ws scared I didn’t wnt to gt hurt again……but he kept askn me out anyway….fast fwd a couple of mnths of dodging him…..we mt up I was in a differnt plc, I opened up n starting seeing mr of him. At the time I was still seeing other people n enjoying but the mr I date him the mr I fell for him…..we traveled , wnt out frequently and became intimate…..in the mean time the dynamics of our rltnshp was Neva discussed n I found out he was dating sm 1 else, someone he had been dating before me…..I thn asked if they were in love. he said no, she is aware that he is dating n she knws he is not rdy to be in a monogamous rltnshp w her…..I was hurt because I alwys flt like I was the only one…anyway I cont to date him n waited abt 3 months n decided I shld tell him tht I was in love w him, because I wanted to knw was he interestd in a monogamous rltnshp w me, he said he cared abt me and did not want a monogamous rltnshp w anyone, i still cont to date him knowing how he felt and knowing tht every Otha wknd he was seeing the other woman he had bn dating, she lives in anotha state, we live in the same city…….. We did discuss it and he did say he was intimate w her too…..As we cont to see each Otha we hv now admitted to being in love, but he says he is in love with her too……guess I stayed hoping he would change his mind n choose me….n still almost 2 year after mtg him he still say he does not want to be in a monogomous rltnshp, and he is not sure how to go abt doing things diffrnt because he doesn’t wnt to hurt eitha one of us…… I love this man, and even though I knw abt his other rlthsnhp I hv not opened myself up to dating others, n it’s because whn I do i hv not found a man tht treats me the way he does, he is vry affectionate attentive, takes me out frqntly, takes me on vacation, calls n texts me, communicates very well, even whn I’m emotional!…..he allows me to express myself….



  80.  #80Beautiful Butterfly on October 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    (to continue my last note) I m trying to get out and cicular date, I have even exchanged numbers and stated flirting with other men, but its hard, becasue I am still in love with this man…I dont know if I should move on and “learn how to date and oepn myself up thru this experience or just move on start all over….Help, im confused



  81.  #81Anna on November 9, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Hi guys,

    I really need advice and I dont know where else to ask for it. I would really appreciate if someone could take the time to reply to me. I’m madly in love with my still boyfriend of 2 years. Last week I couldnt take it anymore because he was getting more and more distant amd started to become flirty with other girls. So I asked him if he stilled loved me and he said yes but he does not know it it is forever. And that he misses the romance. I realized that it is all my fault because I could never open up to him because I was too insecure and felt like he was going to reject me if I do. So i was more the less faking affection, and just couldnt connect to him anymore. He decided he wanted to take a break for 2 weeks. A week has gone by and I feel so guilty because I know in my heart the 2 of us belong together and that I messed it up. Now I feel like its too late and he will leave me by the end of the break. What can i do? I cant go to him first because then i just seem desperate and Rori says we should stop pursuing men and let them come to us. How can I let him know my true feelings without appearing desperate? First I was thinking going to him and telling him how I feel and that I need clarity and that I rather have him break up with me now then letting me torture myself for another week. But that would mean I would take control of the relationship again how i did it all along. If I wait till next week when we agreed to meet it might be too late though or is there any chance I can turn around his decision in just that one meeting if hes possibly already made up his mind?

    ADVICE PLEASE!



  82.  #82M.O.G on November 11, 2013 at 6:25 am

    From a biblical stand point you shouldn’t be living together anyway. That being said I know a lot of couples do this. There is nothing wrong with CDing, how ever if your at the point in your relationship or lack of that you feel you need to do this, you definitely don’t need to be under the same roof. From a man’s perspective if I’m living with someone I was in a relationship with and we decided to call it quits yet still living together and I’m assuming still sleeping together every now and then, why would I change my ways? I still see you everyday we still have a connection and I still get the milk for free. That is the perfect set up for a man to STAY THE SAME. Why would I change my ways or how I feel? I can have my cake and eat it too! I can drink the milk but not buy the cow! Get it? Maybe the fact that a man watching his ex date other men may trigger him to want her back and not share her. Ok that’s possible and will happen for some men but not all. If he is going along with CDing and doesn’t seem to bother him then it’s not going to work. You are wasting your time and because you still care for him and see him every day are causing more pain. What you need to do is move out! Or have him move out! Out of site out of mind. Yes you will still miss him and think of him but it will be far easier and faster to get over him if you don’t see him everyday. Also if he doesn’t have the comfort of seeing you everyday or sleeping with you, he may actually begin to miss you and reevaluate how important you are in his life. Your not giving him a chance to miss you or contemplate how he would feel if you weren’t in his life. One more thing, a man can truly love a woman but be scared of commitment and or marriage, children. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but needs time to conquer his fears and take that next step. Pressuring a man is never the key. We usually do the opposite of what we are being pressured to do even if what we are being pressured to do is what we want. Spend less time pressuring a man to marry you and more time showing a man how wonderful of a woman you are. He will eventually get the picture that he would be a fool not to marry you! How ever don’t spend a decade doing so with no results. There are limitations if you feel he is not progressing at all towards the chapel! God bless!



  83.  #83Rori Raye on November 13, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Anna – I hear you, and hear your urgency – and I also hear that you’re owning your part in this “death of romance.” – So – instead of focusing on what you can do to interest him – you’re going to have to focus on how to FEEL, how to EXPRESS your feelings, how to bring back the romance by opening up and becoming a SIren. You can do this quickly, but it won’t work if you keep focusing on him and your insecurities. Get the ebook, and plow through it – practice 24/7 – and you’ll see a change very quickly. Love, Rori



  84.  #84Doug on November 24, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I would like to know is there a web site for men I know your’s is for women. Because I have a lady friend now that i have been friends with for about 12 years and everything is going great. But would like to get closer.