What To Do If He’s Stationed Overseas in the Armed Forces – And He Isn’t Interested In Your Life At Home…

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Andrea made such a powerful, frustrating comment on this blog, I wanted to do a whole post – perhaps a whole series of posts – on her situation.

Andrea’s at home, 6 months pregnant, while her husband is stationed overseas. She’s feeling emotional, needy, and missing him terribly.

She calls him several times a day and wants to talk – to share her pregnancy with him.

And he’s pulling away. 

He doesn’t want her to call so much. He’s losing interest. She feels him disengaging and doesn’t know what to do.

Andrea feels “He’s pushing me away…” (You can read Andrea’s whole comment by clicking here):

Here’s my answer:

Andrea, he is not pushing you away – YOU are pushing HIM away.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is what’s happening.

Part of this is just about who he is.  Some men might call you over and over, all day long, and want to hear everything about your pregnancy, but perhaps (and I’m going to research this) that really isn’t the typical profile for a soldier.

Your husband is telling you that this is how he feels: He’s overseas, in the middle of a volatile, dangerous situation, surrounded by other men. He does NOT want to be picking up his phone all the time to talk to his wife. It’s embarrassing to him, he doesn’t like it.

I don’t know where your husband is stationed, if he’s in a truly dangerous situation or not, or even if he’s under tremendous stress – though I would guess he would be. Perhaps it’s his situation that’s making it difficult for him to be there for you, and perhaps it’s just who he is, and your only option is to do what YOU can to make things better, instead of accidentally making them worse.

And right now, your anger, upset, and need of him – no matter how RIGHT you are to feel that way and to want his support –  is making everything worse.  It’s simply not getting you what you want.

You have to do the opposite of what you’re doing.

I watched a “Supernanny” episode a few weeks ago where the husband was also overseas in the Armed Forces. The wife was beside herself, nearly unable to cope with their three children on her own.  She was coming apart at the seams.

Supernanny did several things. First, she got the wife emotionally together. She got her focused on her children and focused on helping herself feel powerful.  She got her to believe in herself as a good mother, and quickly – she started to feel and act like an emotionally capable person.

She did this by changing the way she talked to her children, how she related to them. She also put a family blog up for them, so that they could talk through the blog to her husband (this would be a good way for you to post pictures, and he might like it much more than phone calls, because he can visit when HE wants). She also set up a webcam situation, so they could see each other when they talked – and the call would come through from HIM.

With these things in place, he felt more excited about getting and keeping in touch – he liked emailing, he liked reading the blog entries and commenting, and making his own posts.  He liked that it didn’t take him away from his duties or his off-duty activities with the other guys.  He liked that his buddies could participate by seeing the blog, by being in the webcam pictures – it was just way more fun for him.

The whole trick here is to give him space, and empower YOURSELF. And I know you’d think he has plenty of space, being so far away. But the truth is – you married a man in the Armed Forces. You knew what you were getting into. I know it’s hard, very, very hard, and yet you can’t marry a man with a dangerous career that requires travel and then want to take it back. You can’t turn a man who is NOT a homebody into a homebody, a regular guy who goes to the office and comes home. That is not who he is.

You CAN, however, make him WANT to talk to you more.

The way to do that is to not NEED to talk to him. You have to get so busy and happy that HE feels the need to talk to you because if he doesn’t – he’s missing out on something GREAT. Right now, he’s running from talking with you because of the need, desperation, and loneliness you’re laying on him.

I know this is harsh. I’m asking YOU to change, and not him. This is the only way to get what you want. Please talk to the other women around you in your same situation, get help and support, learn how they’re dealing with this painful separation and also with worrying about their husbands’ safety, and help each other get through this.

I wish Andrea so much luck, and if you’re in the same situation, it would be great to have you comment so we could create a community around this difficult and painful separation you’re enduring.  I’m going to do some research so that I can be a resource for all of you whose husbands are serving our country.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1L.L.Sweat on January 19, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Rori, Thanks for this, it helped me so much with my man that is disengaging.
    A blessing, once again.

  2.  #2Madeline on February 19, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationship was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in my hands. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.

  3.  #3MP on February 23, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Yeah, cuz it’s all about HIM right? This is total BS!

  4.  #4Missing him on April 7, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    Dear M.,

    I am going thru something similar to you except for my boyfriend doesn’t talk about chatting with girlsd online. He says he works like 12 hours a day and just doesn’t have time to call like he use to. He has only been gone for 6 months and things were great the first three months now he says his job is stressful and that being a recruiter is very time consuming. I try to understand this but I feel like he just isn’t that interested anymore and that maybe he is interested in someone else. My neediness has pushed him away to the point where h now says he isn’t sure if we can last thru his time away but he says that he loves me and that I am amazing and awesome and that he will never finsd someone like me again, he says maybe it is the right person wrong time. Now he questions if we are doing the right thing in continuing a long distance relationship and that maybe he cannot give me what I need want and deserve. I believe him when he says these things but it still isn’t getting better. He calls me every morning just not at night anymore and does not send emails. My boyfriend is 32 ansd I am in my 40’s I say you hang in there you have waited this long and we have to remember that we really don’t kow what they are going thru. My boyfriend is stationed in Japan but it is still stressful and he is still in away from home just remember when he comes home that he will have to stop the internet girlfriends and that may be harder to do than even he may realize. Good Luck! And if anyone has words of wisdom for me I would appreciate it. God Bless!

  5.  #5Rori Raye on April 8, 2009 at 10:10 am

    Dear Missing Him – Welcome, and I know you will find help here. Here is my take on your situation – and I don’t believe you’re going to like it, so don’t read further unless you’re ready to hear.

    First, I’ve been to Japan with the USO, so I know what the soldiers there are living like, and I’m here to tell you it’s not the same thing as women whose men are in Iraq or Afghanistan or a war zone. It’s actually really, really NICE. It’s a beautiful country, and the bases are not all that isolated. I have no idea what a “recruiter” is doing there, but this sounds to me like a “regular” long-distance situation where he has a job with long hours.

    And regular long-distance situations are BAD NEWS for you.

    I’m going to ask you to do this – to Circular Date. To stop thinking of him as your exclusive boyfriend, and to think of him as a friend. Get your energy off of him and onto your own life.

    Even if you can do this just a BIT – your vibe will shift, and your man overseas will no longer feel you as “needy” and “clingy.” In fact, he’ll be more worried about what YOU’RE doing. The thing is for you to become absolutely UNCONCERNED about whatever he’s doing. Love yourself first, then let that love overflow onto him, and open your heart to every man out there. Love, Rori

  6.  #6Madeline on April 9, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Dear missing him,

    I am sorry I was just wondering if you were referring to me in your message. If you were I have to say, my boyfriend is not overseas, he is rather working in a normal job. I know this isnt the place for me to leave my message in but I did because I want to get as much help as I can since I feel like the relationship is stressing me out tremendously.

    Thank you!!!

  7.  #7Madeline on April 9, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    If by any means you can offer any advice please do so.

    again thank you.

  8.  #8Missing Him on April 16, 2009 at 1:55 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am going to take your advice and back off I know in my heart that I can’t keep pushing him not for his sake but for mine I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I did go out over the weekend with a male friend of mine but by the end of the evening I found myself focused on my boyfriend and just wanted to go home. I think I was in the wrong mind frame I was trying not to care about my relationship instead of thinking of me and my happiness. I will keep you posted on how things are going and I will be checking back to see if there are anymore words of wisdom for me. Thank you!

  9.  #9Missing him on April 27, 2009 at 4:49 am

    Dear Rori and Readers,

    Just thought I would let you know the latest from my boyfriend in Okinawa. Yesterday he told me he is 50/50 with our relationship right now because he doesn’t know if he can provide me with the things I need in a relationship. He mentioned that this was one of the reasons his marriage ended. Now he isn’t sure if he can do relationships he is a solitary creature by nature as he puts it and says he now doubts himself and feels he cannot provide what it takes . And he goes on to say he loves me and I am amazing and awesome . Ok is this the ole goodbye it’s not you it’s me? I feel like I am ignoring every sign int eh book and refusing to let go what do your readers think?

  10.  #10jackie on September 2, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Rori and Andrea.

    I am 8 mos pregnant and my husband is in Iraq. I was looking for similar stories online because of some insecurities i’m dealing with personally right now and i came across this blog. I am an emotional wreck some days and get very angry at my husband for not understanding. We have a very open relationship as far as conversation is concerned and I find it very easy to tell him how i feel on a regular basis.
    I have to admit that after reading this blog i felt better. My husband doesn’t have the luxury of a phone that i can call. I have one option to communicate. I am able to I M and I M only. I keep my phone on me to alert me when i have a new I M from him and it’s always on his terms! If he doesn’t feel like getting online he doesn’t and some days this is terribly worrisome. But what i have learned in the six months he’s been gone is this. He loves me, He doesn’t have to know how to show it from 6 thousand miles away! I just have to know it! I get cranky when i skip a meal or miss a nap. Scale that to 3 full hours of sleep 2 meals a day if he’s lucky and no one around but men (most of the time) He has every right to be a lil’ distant now and then and if he doesn’t want to talk because he’d rather be sleeping or eating or just spending a lil’ time with the guys that his life depends on right now who am I to complain.
    Ladies, these are the men we dream about our entire lives. Men that would put their own lives on the line to protect ours. Men that would fight the world in hopes of a better future for their children. Men that just downright care about humanity. Who are we but the women they marry! We chose this life just as much as they did and we signed our names on the line to say that we would stand by these men. Far be it for me *or any other Army/Navy/Marine/Airforce wife) to complain about not being first on the list of things to fix! They trust that we will be here tomorrow because we swore to it! remember those little things called vows? Well, ladies of military members while he is overseas they still exist and our husbands trust that we will stand by them while they do the hard work!

  11.  #11Rori Raye on September 4, 2009 at 10:04 am

    Jackie, Welcome, and thank you for your service as well as your husband’s. You are truly part of a team with him in this, and it cannot be easy. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and at 8 mos, you see to have an amazing sense of stability. Try looking through here to help you communicate with him more simply and yet in a deeply emotional way. It requires discovering your own feelings and digging deep into them, writing them down, trying to find the good ones, the happy ones, and sharing those first, if you can. From where he is, he can’t hold you or make you feel better, but if you express yourself in Feeling Messages, you will feel a response from him that will feel more Connected for you, and that will feel better. Love, Rori

  12.  #12Nikole on November 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I would like to add that as a Navy girlfriend the hardest part of the overseas is their inability to be as emotionally involved as they are when they are present…fear anxiety sets in…my man never says he loves me since he has been in Afghanistan…but I am hoping his words and actions speak louder…

  13.  #13Rori Raye on November 30, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    Dear Nikole, my thoughts and love are with you and your man in the service of our country…you are part of that package, and I know that I could not endure what you are now enduring. I would not want to be a “girlfriend” in this situation – no matter how much I loved someone. Can you see him via webcam? That would be helpful. Also – Afghanistan is pretty primitive. If he can get online easily – try putting up a blog where you can share pictures and he can write back more easily – it’s more personal than Facebook…I hope you’re keeping busy with friends, and please keep in touch with us if it seems you need to change yours status from exclusive girlfriend to “dating” him. Love, Rori

  14.  #14Rori-fan on February 1, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Hello Ladies, I need your help. I am from Germany, so sorry for grammatical mistakes. I read about staying out of the LDR trap, but well, I am in LDR now. He works in Afghanistan (not as soldier) and I live in Germany. We are together since over a year some breakups in between (we met on the internet, he found and contacted me). Now, he told me from the start to be patient with him, because he has been through a lot in his childhood and that made him be not so emotional and run cold sometimes. We had our issues, that he would forget contacting or calling me. Ok, meanwhile he does more contacting. But I tried not to email him first and so on, to lean back, but he would tell me, why he always have to initiate contact and that I am getting spoiled because I expect him to do all the contacting first. What do I answer him? Do I tell him, that I am supposed to lean back and only give when I receive from him? Hope you can give me some advice. Thanks!

  15.  #15Rori Raye on February 1, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Hi, Rori-fan, and – I have to ask you – what are you doing in an LDR for over a year? What is the plan to get together? How much do you see him? If he’s not a soldier, how often can you see each other in person? I hope you are Circular Dating. And the answer to his question is that you love him, you’d like to be married to him, and since the ball is in his corner, it feels bad to be chasing after him…Love, Rori

  16.  #16Rori-fan on February 1, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Thanks for your answer, Rori. We’ve seen each other 4 times so far. We have no definitive plans when we will be together and he has to stay overseas at least one more year, but I already made clear to him, that I wanna get married and if this is not what he can imagine for himself, it is clear where it’s going to lead us one day. I indeed have been open to other guys the last time and will start dating them from today on. It really is and feels kinda weird and unfamiliar, but also good, and you don’t feel so desperate for your man when he doesn’t contact you as much as you would expect, because you really think of the options you have. Thanks for your good advice, Rori! I love it!

  17.  #17Briana on February 5, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Basically to make a long story short I have been seeing this man for 2 and a half years, we live 4 hours away from ea other and we usually see ea other on weekends. He is separated, he and his wife live in 2 separate houses. He doesn’t talk about her as much as he did initially, actually not at all so I knew he was getting over her.He has been going thru a divorce the whole time we have been together and will be divorced on the 10th of this month. His wife knows all about me and has her own separate life. Some people he knows tell him not to be with me and he usually doesnt listen. When he is with me he is very happy but he is very honest and open, usually and very attractive. Now some friends of his, after the friend’s wife tried sleepng with him and I confronted her, went over to his house and told him that he should take some time for his divorce.

    So he told me not to call him and that he needs time. Every single time he gets close to me he pulls away. I am good to him, I do everything for this man. More than his wife ever did. His friends see this and are obviously jealous. I just don’t know what to do. I did this with my son’s father and he is such a better man and I want this to work. Why does he keep pulling away? This is the man I’ve longed for and is perfect for me. He also doesnt want to get married again and he doesnt want anymore children and I want one more. He’s told me twice that if I make him fall deeply in lover he will have another child with me. He had 2 with his wife and I have one with my ex. The problem is everytime he begins getting close to me, something scares him off. This is controlling my life. Thank you for your time, please help me.

  18.  #18Rori Raye on February 6, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Briana, Welcome, and you are classically Overfunctioning. Your treating him so wonderfully and doing everything for him – and the way his friends have influence over him sounds a bit cultural – is this true – like a community? – is only pushing him away. He gets close, and then you’re all over him, and he runs. On the other hand, what I hear is a weak man who will never be what you want him to be. Back off, date other men, and see what happens. Being exclusive with this man is a very bad thing for you – please don’t. Love, Rori

  19.  #19Amy on February 9, 2010 at 9:16 am

    WOW- this story hit home. I am a military Wife and my husband is currently Deployed. He has been gone 3 months now. The 1st six weeks we stayed in touche w/ him doing all the calling and sending email 1st. Then he was given a cell phone and a Majic jack number and we started calling each other. Then it got to the point where I was calling him more than he was calling me and I was emailing him so much -he compelely stop emailing me back. He stoped calling altogether and now he rarely answers the phone when I call. After reading your blog and this comment I see how I have pushed my husband away. We are taught in Military support groups to call, email. write and etc even if he doesn’t reply. I see why we are pushing our men off. Do you feel it’s to late for me to STOP and lean back?

  20.  #20Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    Amy – First of all – Thank you for your service to all of us. While your husband is holding the gun, you’re holding down the fort…and I con only imagine what it might feel like. Second – it’s NOT too late. It hardly ever IS too late. Can you start something new, like a family blog, where you talk about what you’re doing, and your family, and your friends – and make it FUN?!! With pictures and articles, and silly stuff? Then get a webcam (perhaps you have one, I’m sure he has access to one there…) – put up videos on the blog – wear low cut clothes in different colors than he’s used to seeing you in, with your hair different ways – wear MAKEUP – just shake things up…and then, in an email (wait a day or two) just say how you miss him, and take a look at this…and give him the link to the blog. If you have children – they’ll love this. Focus on getting a fabulous life – take art classes, study things, create an online business…be breathlessly, pasionately involved in your own life…you can do this! Please keep in touch with me…if I can help women in your situation without going against what the support groups say – just making it all work better, I’d love to be of service to you. Love, Rori

  21.  #21Amy on February 10, 2010 at 6:08 am

    Rori- thank you so much. I will follow your advice. I called me this morning and boy I was mad as i could be- he reached out to me and I failed to be loving in kind I was in the ” WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO CALL ME-FOOL” Mode and he completely shut back down. He told me he had to go and would call me back. I could tell he was hurt. Why amd I’m this way. I see what I’m doing wrong but have such a hard time to stop.

  22.  #22Briana on February 10, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Dear Rori,
    In response to your reply to me, I needto know what you mean by your response here. It says to date other men and see what happens. Also alot of his friends do like me and he usually doesnt listen to them. I just have no idea what they told him. These 2 particular people are having problems in their relationship so it’s like mysery loves company. He really is an awesome man and I think he’s just all confused. He is everything I want and need in a man and is truly faithful and will not cheat. When you say date other men do you mean see how he reacts to it? The thing is, I don’t want to date other men and there are hardly any in this small town I’m in who aren’t related to me, with someone already, or just plain has the womanizer reputation and I don’t want to get caught up in that. I want him and you say you have the tools to help me get him no matter how the relationship is going now so please help me. what do i do? what cd do i
    need to order of yours or what. He will be divorced in 2 days and I’ve been waiting almost 2 years for this. It’s not easy to just let go.

  23.  #23Briana on February 10, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Thank you for your help Rori and to Amy I get that way sometimes as well. It’s hard to not show your emotions when you are hurting and you care for this person. That’s a trait I must work on as well to not push someone away. Men drive me crazy!!!! lol

  24.  #24Rori-fan on February 10, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Dear Briana, what I think Rori means with date other men and see what happenes can be that if you tend to overfunction in a relationship and can hardly stop doing it (like me), dating other men will help you not to focus too much on that one man you love and will automatically help you stop doing too much like doing everything for him, beeing all over him, emailing and calling first, etc. I tried dating other men since a week now and it is weird, because you actually think of your man you have and love, but it helped me not worry too much about my relationship and about him and start focussing more on me, and I feel how things changed a bit for good and that he started reaching more out to me. However, I wish things will go good for you.

  25.  #25Amy on February 10, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Sometimes I feel all this stuff of trying to do this & trying to do that for men is for the birds- We are the one who have babies and produces-have to have cramps, periods, strecthmarks and etc ; you would think men would worship us for that alone. Rori has indeed invented the answer but who would have known you have to be the opposite of what women are known to be to keep your man. This is rather hard!!! Are there any men out there who loves his wife for what she is nad how she is no matter what.

  26.  #26Georgia on February 10, 2010 at 11:42 am

    What is it with men? Why is it that when they are in a committed relationship over time they are not faithful. I met this man who admitted he is in a committed relationship of 10 years and has 4 kids. Yet he is looking for “sex” on the side. Could he be truly happy in his relationship and this sex is just keep him satisfied so he doesn’t have to leave his “stable” and fulfilling relationship with his partner? They travel to exotic places frequently for holidays together. He does put her first before time spent with me. Or what is it with ME to even think I want this??????

  27.  #27Rori Raye on February 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Olga, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain. You are totally doing everything right – focusing on yourself, turning away from him. Please, unless you have children or need to discuss financial issues – stay away from him and from talking with him. Please find a goodGeorgia

  28.  #28Rori Raye on February 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Georgia, Most men ARE faithful. Women are as unfaithful as men, statistically really close enough that it’s useless to try to figure it out. Most relationships and marriages are not close and intimate – and cheating is the first place that shows up, sometimes. And – yes, the ONLY question here is – what are you doing there? Love, Rori

  29.  #29Amy on February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    I think I am going through the channels of all this. My earlier post had some of the anger to come out that Rori warns us about! Lol! I caught myself now I can stop!!! Men can really feel what you feel when you are letting go or leaning back and that enegry exchange things really work. During the time I was so angry and writing that post above. My hubby called three times. He did not leave a message and I did not call back… because I was leaning too far back to reach the phone LOL!!!!

  30.  #30Briana on February 11, 2010 at 4:50 am

    Thanks ROri fan for your advice and it has really helped me think about things. It’s so hard bc i do care about him but I understand going through divorce can be hard. Yes, I will def try not to focus on him as much. We are supposed to hang out this weekend as “friends” w/o anything extra, but I don’t know. We will see. Anyhow, after I hang out with him if I decide to, I’m sure I’ll be on here needing more advice lol. I havent seen him since he asked for space on the phone last week so we will see how it goes. It’s so hard not to call when I’m used to him doing all the calling and texting first and now it’s like I want to call him since I’m so used to hearing from him. But I’ve been doing better on not calling him and he’s been texting asking how my day is and he called last night. UGH MEN!!!

  31.  #31Rori-fan on February 11, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Dear Brianna, I feel you. It is hard for me too not to do contacting and not to reach out and when he don’t contact me, it is hard not to chase him by asking him why he didn’t call or email. This week my man and me have been talking very little and I didn’t even feel him reaching out for me, but I told myself not to contact him first and not to chase him, because I knew it was his turn to come back to me, and knowing about my other options (dating other men, seeing how they appreciate me) in case he wouldn’t, helped me with this, and today unexpected I found a nice email from my man, I responded and he called me after that and we had a nice talking on the phone. So I really feel, everytime I take Rori’s advice to heart, no matter how it turns out, it’s for good.

  32.  #32Briana on February 12, 2010 at 5:13 am

    Thanks Rori fan again. I’m so glad he emailed you and yall had a long talk. It’s so hard when you truly care for someone and you can tell they are slipping away. It hurts and it is constantly on my mind and every song and everything and happy couples remind me of him. Well mine is supposed to come visit me this weekend even though he wants space so we will see how that goes. It’s just been extremely hard because I put my all into it and I feel like I’m just setting myself up to get hurt in the future. I’ve backed off alot. I’m hoping maybe in person we can come to some terms or I can have some closure. I wish i just knew other guys I could date. I gotta get out more lol

  33.  #33Rori-fan on February 12, 2010 at 5:25 am

    Going out more is indeed a good thing to do. That’s what I started to do again since a few weeks. And… flirting in public. LOL What I also did, I changed from car to taking the bus and train to get to work and other places – I did this for other reasons, but I realized that this way I have even more chances to meet men and flirt and get in contact. LOL Also a good opportunity: to start classes for something you like to do, dance, cooking course or whatever and maybe this way have the chance to meet new people. This way you are also focussed on yourself, meet more other people and raise your chances for dates. I am addicted to Rori’s advices. LOL

  34.  #34Rori Raye on February 12, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Wow – Rori-fan, what great ideas! Love, Rori

  35.  #35caligirl on February 14, 2010 at 11:25 am

    hi rori,

    I read your advice and all the comments about what to do if your military man pulls away, and i am so glad that i did.

    I started dating my marine in the middle of nov. we met in DC, but he was stationed in north carolina and i permanently live in LA. we talked all the time until he flew me out to stay with him at his sister’s in virginia after christmas for a few days. he confused me because he shows how much he likes me by calling and texting all the time but then he always says things like “if i didnt have to go to afghanistan for 13 months, you would totally be my girlfriend” or “its not fair to make you wait” or “you’re the type of girl that will be engaged by the time i get home. guys like me dont get to end up with girls like you.” i tried not to say too much about staying with him while he was gone because we had barely known each other, but as the weeks led up to his deployment, i started to express that i wanted to be with him while he was gone. his comments stayed the same, but i noticed i started to get wake up texts and calls, calls during the day, frequent conversations on facebook, and a late night call right before he got on his plane to leave which made me happy but left me even more confused. he contacted me the very first day he was able to in afghanistan and has contacted me several times after that even apologizing if he cant talk for long. BUT then in the last 2 weeks, i havent heard from him for days. I sent him a couple emails, he got online but didnt answer, then i said something catty about a girl he gave a hoodie to before he left, and he responded right away. he was very good about talking to me for a couple days after that. now its the same, i saw him online and he didnt say anything (he might have missed seeing me as he was online on for 5 mins) and he hasnt been on since. no emails either. we had talked after the last email i sent him, so i have left it alone and am waiting for him to initiate email contact now. i miss him, its been 4 days.

    i know its been hard out there. i want to be there for him for the rest of his time there, he now has 12 months left in afghanistan. how do i get him to want me to be there for him and become his official girlfriend? I told him that i thought he was just saying the whole “if i wasnt leaving you’d be my gf” as an excuse and he denied it. but if thats not what it is, then why cant we make it official?

    by the way, before he left, he was very excited to tell me when he gets back he is switching from the marines to the navy seals and starts training in coronado, ca which is only like an hour and a half from where i live (much better than being across the country or the world) is this a tiny hint that he sees a future?

  36.  #36Rori Raye on February 14, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    caligirl – there’s nothing you can do now. He’s gone for a year more. Please, please take care of yourself and Circular Date…when he gets back, you’ll see. Meanwhile, just be a woman he sees, he cares for, who’s there for him…and taking care of herself, too. PLEASE NO GIRLFRIEND!!! Love, Rori

  37.  #37caligirl on February 14, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Yeah, I have told myself I need to use this year to get everything together that I need for my future. I wrote a novel and am writing a second so it should be my main priority to find a literary agent and publisher and worry about finishing school and staying physically fit while he is gone instead of just pining away over him when there is literally nothing I can do. I have found myself neglecting my writing and my letters to agents in the past few weeks just to see if he’s online or look up news on the war in afghanistan. I’m also editor of my brother’s magazine and I have noticed that in preparation for our newest issue, i have put my duties on to other people or have procrastinated until the point of having to hurry to get something done and make a huge mess of something simple. I’m literally starting to destroy myself just by thinking about him!! I can throw as many tantrums as I want and the government is not going to bring him back home. I don’t want him to come back home and see that I’ve done nothing since he has been gone because he always was so intrigued by who I was when I met him.

  38.  #38Rori-fan on February 15, 2010 at 7:42 am

    Dear Rori and Ladies, I need your help again…now Rori that you asked me what I am doing in a LDR for over a year and where this is going, I have been thinking a lot about this the last days, and since he was the one who brought up marriage and having babies together first, I decided today to tell him about my imagination for the next years and that he knows that I wanna get married one day and have kids, and I asked him about his imagination. As I assumed he answered that he is not ready and that he imagine to get married maybe in the next five years and that he think that marriage is overrated anyway and suggested for us to be friends. To be honest, I was expecting this answer and I replied that I agree and that this is really the best as we both have very different dreams. If I wouldn’t do Circular Dating I would be totally down right now, and though somehow there is a little hope that he might be surprised about my reaction and rethink things and maybe want me back. Is this thinking too naive? Was it wrong in the first place to confront him with my questions about the future? Please give me some advice! Thank you! Love, Rori-fan

  39.  #39Rori Raye on February 15, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Rori-fan – Brava for asking so you could get clear inside yourself. Now do what he says – consider him a FRIEND and get out there and have a life…please… Love, Rori

  40.  #40caligirl on March 21, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Hi Rori,
    Just wanted to give a little update. I’ve been Circular Dating. At first, it was annoying and I was stubborn and uninterested. But, I warmed up to it and started having a good time as I used to before I met the Marine. I hadn’t heard from him in 2 weeks and was pretty sure that he was done talking to me. Then, all of a sudden I get an email from his sister and she told me that he asked her to tell me to write him on gmail (he didnt have my email address, we were only communicating by facebook up until then) and that at the new camp he moved to, they were no longer able to get on facebook and that the internet was pretty bad there. I gave the gmail address to his sister and heard back from the Marine the very next morning 🙂 He quickly updated me on himself and promised a longer letter soon. He always calls me Pretty Lady, so it felt very good to see an email with that as the title when I woke up and looked at my Blackberry.
    Meanwhile, although I have been excited to hear from him, I am still going on with Circular Dating and taking care of myself aka working out (a lot!!), really dedicating myself to my work, and having fun! I have been helping pass the time by setting up mini weekend trips for myself every couple weeks to look forward to, and it passes the time in a well-spent way instead of allowing myself to agonize with each passing minute.

    I just wanted to share the changes I’ve made so that others can see that even if its uncomfortable to change the way you’ve been at first, it really does work out in the end. I know the Marine will be with me when he comes back and even if something happens and he does not, my life will not come to a shuddering halt since I have altered my lifestyle to be able to keep moving if we don’t end up together.

    Thanks again, Rori.

  41.  #41Rori-fan on March 21, 2010 at 7:11 am

    Thank you, caligirl, for sharing this with us and giving me an inspiration.

    Love, Rori-fan

  42.  #42SoldiersWIFE on March 25, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Hello Ladies,
    Im in a similar situation, my husband is currently in Germany and he is stationed there. I wont be out there for maybe 3 more months since i have to wait for a sponsorship to go through. I talk to him alot online and we IM eachother alot, the problem is on the weekends his friends go out alot and hes in the barracks because im not out there yet. When i get there he will move out of the barracks and we will find a home. Back to the weekend, he goes out with his friends, they go to bars, stripclubs, ect. he tells me he hasnt went to stripclubs or anything like that, he just hangs out with his friends looking at the city, and hanging out in the barracks with the other soldiers in the night and stuff. I am pretty insecure, and i am a very clingy person. ive been like this since day one the first day we met, and he knew that. when i complain about him going out and such he says to trust him. but i dont know how to trust him when all his friends are posting pictures on there websites of bars/strip clubs/clubs/girls ect! and sense hes with single soldiers they can possibly be encouraging him to do bad things. What should i do about trusting him, how to i know if hes telling the truth or not. ??? help thanks.

  43.  #43Rori Raye on March 26, 2010 at 9:06 am

    SoldiersWife – Welcome, and thank you for your service as well s your husband’s…and I’m thrilled for you that you’re going to be with him in Germany – it’s going to be fun and beautiful and good for both of you. Here’s the thing. Being clingy and insecure is not a good profile for an army wife who has to deal with long distance all the time. You’ve GOT to work at this. I would completely FORGET about what he does…and I would do everything in my power to get there as fast as I could…even if it meant earning some money on my own right now doing new extra jobs so I cold get there faster. Please don’t make demands on him – you force him to lie to you if you can’t trust him to do whatever he wants. Do you have webcams? They’re so easy and inexpensive so you can Skype and actually SEE each other and be sexy and flirt with each other. Do it now! If you start worrying about whether or not he’s telling you the truth, and pressing him, you’ll destroy the connection you have. The problem here isn’t HIM – it’s inside YOU – we’ll help you all we can here. Love, Rori

  44.  #44SoldiersWIFE on March 26, 2010 at 10:49 am

    thank you for your response. I do understand that i am the big problem here. but when he tells me hes gonna go with his friends, im like okay have fun what time do you think you’ll be home, and hes like maybe around 1 or 2 the latest. so i wait an wait and since were in such a different time zone when he wakes up im going to bed. so when hes going to bed im waking up, and i constantly check the time and its like 3 and he still hasnt called. but then he calls in the morning around 9 am and hes like i fell asleep i had a few drinks, and i was too tired to start up my computer so i just went to bed an im talkin to you know, and i start to accuse him of stuff he didnt do. i probably say things like “ya right you probably didnt even come home” blah blah blah. i really want to just be happy and not worry about what hes doing. he ALWAYS trusts me. he tells me go out with my friends dont stay home it makes me more miserable and thats why i worry so much about him. or he says go get my hair done with my cousins or something like that to keep busy. he will gladly send me the money to do all those things but i just cant find it inside myself to get over the trust.

  45.  #45Daria on March 26, 2010 at 11:27 am

    SoldiersWIFE – one tool of Rori that helped for me to respect the masculine and not say stuff i didn’t want to say was to just

    STOP. Clamp my hand over my mouth when I was going to say “yeah right you probably… etc”. JUST STOP and sit there with my hand over my mouth.

    That gives me a few seconds to either not say it, or even better find a feeling message.

    Like ohhh… i feel glad we’re talking now, and i actually feel angry and disappointed i didn’t talk to u last nite. i don’t like feeling this way… what do you think?

    (thats the whole reason for the ‘yeah right…’ right? im feeling angry actually even tho i may not have realized it)

    yes this sounds wimpy and vulnerable… and THATS GOOD

    vulnerable is feminine!! and its attractive to a man…
    he may be a lil confused at first about how u suddnely sound all vulnerable… but its like a freakin hoook to a man’s emotions. they are absolutely attracted to it

    i can actually say, (i dont but just saying) hey im going to attract you by being vulnerable and speaking from my feelings now, and then it will STILL work because its just so damn attractive to them. they just want to jump in and protect u and care for u

  46.  #46SoldiersWIFE on March 26, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    i completly agree. i know i should be holding my mouth shut. sometimes im like “wow did i really just say that” and like these are female soldiers over there of course and he talks to one of them as a friend,ive seen some of there messages just oh hi, i seen you today in the cafeteria, hows your weekend been blah blah and then i tell him about it because we share the same email. so of course he wouldnt put anything in there he didnt want me to see. and i asked him why he was speaking to her and he said “i can have friends too, not necessarily just guys,” and hes right, but i need more reassurance like when we are on skype he isnt really looking at me on the screen hes on facebook or whatever and im like making faces and stuff and i obviously know hes not looking cuz he would be laughing if he seen what i was doing because i know how he is. and im jus wondering like why aint i getting attention? he is with his buddies alll freaking day at work, and then they come home and hang out in the barracks, and then on the weekends an in the night, and when he does talk to me he dont even look at me on the computer hes doing other thigns. i dont get it.

  47.  #47Daria on March 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    SoldiersWIFE – the new thing im practicing is when im on the phone (and this would work for skype too)

    I constantly pay attention to IS HE GIVING TO ME

    ie attention energy… if the energy gets all blah and he’s doing something else,

    I end the call.

    or… i say… hmm this feels boring… i dont want to just sit here feeling bored

    then i have expressed myself. I practice letting go of him.

    then he usually turns around and like practically begs me to stay on… or else the call actually ends and he’s MUCH more likely to call me faster

    when i sit there with blah energy – now I DO sit there with silence and pauses, and feel, and practice being quiet but that’s DIFFERENT when i “hear or feel” him searching for something to say… –

    this is in particular when i Can FEEL, its really pretty easy to feel like in my chest or tummy, when his attentio is NOT on me… THEN I DO NOT WANT TO SIT THERE

    not only am i feeling icky, but he’s associating the boring feeling with ME !!! no thank you!! I don’t want to be associated with boring… and I DO NOT WANT TO BE BORED

    so i’ve been saying hwo i feel, ie… this feels boring (yes it feels scary to say cuz it sounds almost like rejecting him … and ITS NOT)

    and men are much more attentive

  48.  #48SoldiersWIFE on March 26, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    i dont know if i can find those words, this is boring in my speech lol. i would think he’d say well “sorry im boring, ill talk to you later CLICK” and then id be even more frustrated then i was to begin with. when the conversation gets dull im like, whats wrong, he says nothing, im like well are you busy we can just talk later and hes like no i wanna talk to you now. and then it gets quiet again and im like umm okay so were not gonna say nothing hes like well talk to me im like well what the hell. lol. and i just have a hard time believeing hes not out and a bout with his friends. i dont no his friends an already not really liking them, there always trying to encourage him to go out to the strip bars an stuff. an i dont no if he wants to go but i do no that he doesnt go because he dooesnt want to hurt me cuz he know that would bother me alot, but then i feel that hes getting locked down cuz of me and no guy wants there friends to see them on lockdown.

  49.  #49Daria on March 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    SoldiersWIFE – well they are new words so I would practice. I might not get them out the first time i mean to, but then there are other occasions.

    he might say “sorry im boring CLICK” yes this is what we’re afraid of

    to be high status, we are the kind of woman who cares about her own feelings very much. So we take the chance of he might do that.

    (the truth is he probably won’t – (and even if he did, you will still be OK)) BUt he WILL respect us more for standing up for ourself in a clear way without blaming him

    we don’t say “hey YOU are boring me” we say “I feel bored and uncomfortable”

    The more i have practiced these tools of Rori’s the better i have gotten and the more men respect me and are attracted – because I value myself more and express myself clearly without attakcing him or blaming him

    I have come a long way.

    If you’d like you can post on the front page posts as those are usually pretty busy with ladies posting and you will receive lots of encouragement and help

  50.  #50Rori Raye on March 26, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Soldier’s wife…honey – the problem here is that you are so needy and basically – okay – I’ll say it – ungracious about his life that I’m not sure I’d want to look at you either. When you learn to trust him (my goodness – you use the same email? That’s pretty great of him right there…). He’s a military man. He may actually prefer being with the guys than with a woman. That’s who he is, and you married him. You got to take it all, or leave it all. Can you get a life here for these few months that’s fabulous, please – that will help everything for you – and when you learn to talk in feeling messages : “I saw your letters to a woman, and I want to confess that I feel jealous because I’m not there to touch you, and she is…and I don’t want to feel that way – but I wanted you to know…and also that I trust you and love you totally.” And you’re smiling at him and leaning back and touching your heart and twirling your hair – and THEN he’ll be RIVETED to you! Love, Rori

  51.  #51Rori Raye on March 26, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Daria and SoldiersWife – Daria, thank you for the “is he giving to me” part – but I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. I think the core issue here is SoldierWife’s neediness and coldness and the sense that you’re always questioning every move he makes. THIS is what needs to be cleared up – so he’ll WANT to be paying attention to you. This is all Modern Siren. Love, Rori

  52.  #52SoldiersWIFE on March 27, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    i completly understand what both of you ladies are saying. yes, im clingy and needy, and hes a man and wants to be with his buddies, but i also need him to. an since were not togehter, then hey why cant we talk alot. i really just miss him so much that i dont like the fact that he is always wanting to be around other people rather than talk to me. i feel like im causing him to lie to me because i get so upset when he tells me the truth he’d rather not want to hurt me and so he lies. for example, he says “i have to work guard duty today im off at 1am ill call you when i got off work ok” im like okay, then after we get off i think about it an im like “he wasnt in his uniform, he was in civilian clothes and he only had 3 mins to report downstairs to work he said, so every person on guard has to be in uniform, and then he pulled out like 50 bucks from the bank right after he got off” he was lieing to me. usually him and his buddies to out to eat in town, buy stuff from stores he shows me what he bought, and hes alwasy so honest but all this that ive been putting him through i think is causing him to lie to me. =[ HELP LADIES!!

  53.  #53caligirl on March 28, 2010 at 5:02 pm


    you are the entire problem here and it seems like you are more concerned with talking your way out of being responsible for this than actually STOPPING what you are doing and making a change. you keep writing all these things you do to him and say to him (which sound absolutely crazy by the way) and im not really sure what you want any of us to say to you on here. i dont care how long you have been with him, he is still his own person. i think if anything he is being more accomodating than ANYONE i have ever known in my life and you are completely unappreciative and selfish. you have somehow turned HIS deployment into being about you. it is NOT and never will BE about you. no matter how much you metally abuse him, how much negative energy you send out, how much you pout, etc. it will never be about you.

    you have the CHOICE to change and get your own life and be a wonderful support system but it doesnt seem like you are willing to do that. you’ve had tons of advice on here about how YOU need to change, but every time you write back all it is about it seems like you are looking for new ways and ideas on how to manipulate him to do what YOU want.

    I am only going to say this once: You WILL lose him if you keep acting this way. when those men are over there, they are learning how to survive without their families and loved ones which is SO HARD for them already, but when you make it even harder by constantly doing what you are doing, you are forcing him to learn how to survive without you even more because he has to lie and avoid your anger and sneak to have some sort of freedom which shows him that he doesnt need you anymore. you do NOT control him. instead, you are teaching him that he doesnt need what you are doing. I beg you to stop because you will lose him forever when he comes back.

  54.  #54SoldiersWIFE on March 29, 2010 at 11:19 am

    He isnt deployed, hes currently stationed overseas, and im in the process of getting command sponsered to move out there with him. I have appreciated all that you ladies have said. Last night, i had some kind of nervous breakdown with anxiety and panick and everything else. I sat in my car for 2 hours trying to figure out how i can stop being like this, no i dont want to loose my husband he means the world to me. But i completly understand what you all are saying and I do want to say thank you for all taking the time to read my nonsense.

    I prayed for about an hour last night. crying and just trying to find myself in the middle of all of this distruction i have caused. I do realize the problem is me. Its not anybody else its ME! and if i dont love myself, how do i expect him to love me. I need to start caring about me and not just worrying about him. Its taken me a long way to be able to say that i am the problem so bare with me if you can.

    This will not be easy and its gonna be a fight with myself for a while, I promised im gonna try and be my own person so that he can be his. I realize now that i feel sort of like his shadow, i follow everything he does, check up on him all the time. yesterday i didnt call him online at all. unless he asked me to. I new he was online i seen the activity he was doing on facebook and myspace, and after him being on for a while he wrote me and said “hey babe what are you doing?” and i wrote back and explained to him that i didnt want to bother him and if he wanted to talk to me he would write me. he said i do want to talk thatss why im writing you can you call me on skype so we can talk. and the conversation was great. after that, thats when i cried for 2 hours. i noticed that if i just give him some time he will call, he dont have to talk to me 24/7 he needs to have fun with his friends and he promied hes doing everythin in his power to get me over there.

    Its not up to him though he said, he said hes done all he can now its just the military that has to process everything and i should be out there in 6-8 weeks. HOPEFULLY. i will be starting to go to the gym tomorrow, I have picked up scrapbooking again which i LOVE TO DO and i will put my new cricut to use =], im trying to learn to cook some new meals for when were together again we can try new stuff, im gonna start organizing and gettin rid of what we dont need when we move and donate it to someone whose less fortunate.

    Thank you all for your help, its sad to say but i think i NEEDED that little breakdown last night. the praying and the crying and the thorwing up and being sick feeling has been gone since i woke up! im glad to say i feel like todays is the beggining of the rest of our lives. =]

  55.  #55caligirl on March 29, 2010 at 11:27 am

    soldierswife: this is going to sound really weird but i am GLAD you had that mental breakdown! i went through something very similar after I wrote my first post on here and discovered the same thing. That is why I have been exercising every single day (literally i cant go a day now!) and i throw myself into my work, I make sure that my nails are done because that hour in the nail place is one more hour im not worrying about him, i started playing beach volleyball with a group of my brother’s friends every sunday as well. you have to do all these things you love and create this amazing life like rori said, and everything just gets soooo much easier. it sucks for like a week because you feel like you are faking it, but then you see that those little things you start doing for yourself that cause you to love yourself become something you dont want to let go of ever again! and then your man can sense that, and you wont be so bothered when he passes out and doesnt call for those extra 6 hours. you’ll just be feeling soo good about yourself and when the call and emails do come you will feel EXCITED! i get soooo excited when my marine emails me because i have learned how to appreciate it. because at first i totally didnt. i was always so worried and upset and demanding that i get more attention when i really just needed to give myself some attention to make the anxiousness go away.

    i am very happy that you have made this discovery because as much as we tell you things, you had to do it YOURSELF! and you did! 🙂

  56.  #56callie stewart on May 11, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Okay this is going to be pretty long so here goes. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years we have two children. He has deployed to Iraq 4 times throughout our marriage. He is currently on number 4. I have not been lily white where it concerns how i treat him. I have been very insecure with myself and just for the way i had to live before him. I know this is not his fault but i did take out a bunch of my stress on him. Do not get me wrong he has also taken his stress out on me. Well he deployed December 2009 and March 2010 he was typing me on skype and it turned into a 2 hours conversation about how he wasnt happy and did not know what was wrong but something was. Then it turned into a couple of weeks later that “what would i do if he asked for a separation period.” My reaction was your in Iraq away from us already isnt that enough of a separation? He doesnt call the kids on a regular basis and he doesnt call me on a regular basis. Well i finally got him to admit that he was talking to another woman online. Then it turned into “I know that i love you but i dont think im in love with you.” What am i suppose to do? I’ve lost 55 pounds since he has been over there because i’ve been eating right and getting myself into shape so he would be happy when he came home on RnR (rest and relaxation) in June 2010. He is now telling me that when he comes home in June well see how things go and if they dont go well we can plan on not being married in December 2010 when he returns from Iraq. I am so clueless as to what im suppose to do. I have spent my life/marriage standing behind him building his career and done nothing for myself. I am however enrolled into school right now getting something for myself. I have noticed that throughout the years i have become very clingy , whinny, always wanting to talk to him and be with him when he is home. He never said this was a problem. The only thing he ever said he had an issue with was my jealousy which im sorry i dont know a woman in the world that is gonna tolerate her man talking to or letting random women she doesnt know hug him. Im glad you know them from high school but i dont know them. Any advice would be great!

    Thank you,
    Callie Stewart

  57.  #57Rori Raye on May 12, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Callie, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain – for the constant separations being in the service to America (and you are…as well as he is…). the only thing you have control over is you – and brava to you for taking such good care of yourself and getting a life for yourself…now…what’s going on – on your inside – is next on your list…it’s next to impossible to keep love and attraction alive over distance, and it’s next to impossible to keep love and attraction alive at all when there’s friction, jealousy, clinginess…stuff that makes a man feel uncomfortable, and like he’s in a family he was perhaps born into – but not one he’s CHOSEN. Hugging and kissing are actually considered proper greetings now in the business world, so being jealous over any woman hugging your man is going to get you nowhere. As you develop your life, you’ll start to feel better and stronger, and use the Tools you find here to express yourself to him in a more “goddessy” way. We’ll all help you. Love, Rori

  58.  #58Danielle on May 14, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Soo, Ive known this guy for like 6 years as a friend and finally after all that time we finally told eachother how we felt about one another and it was what I thought was going to be the best thing in my life. Well a couple months later he left for afghanistan and I found out I was pregnant which was totally a shocker and not planned at all! We talked all the time and had a pretty normal relationship while he was gone, yea we fought sometimes but basically kept to the topics of loving one another and the baby and so on! So anyways he got back last june when i was 8 months pregnant he asked me to marry him and then we had our beautiful little girl and I thought i had been blessed by god by the life i was given, I have this amazing husband and a beautiful daughter and couldn’t be happier! Well it didnt take long for that change, about 3 months after he got home, I felt like he was different and he just seemed to be very secretive so yes I did the only thing your always told is wrong, I snooped through is e-mail, but come to find out he was talking to numerous girls while he was over seas and not only just some random internet girls but ex-girlfriends, and he kept talking to them when he got home, like i found one e-mail that said yea im still single, you still want to meet up for drinks?!!! like i couldn’t believe it, I mean I know he never went and met anyone cuz he is home with me all the time but I don’t understand how this is ok, or that he hides old highschool friends from me like we were on vacation in texas and some girl was texting him and calling him and so was he but he only did it while i wasnt around!! and he just said he retouched with an old friend and he calls everyone baby and beautiful and it shouldn’t matter like i told him i would forget about it all because he did apologize if it hurt my feelings and i know deep down he loves me and we have a family together and he is a great father and he does do sweet little gestures once in a while but i just cant get it out of my head, everytime hes on the phone or texting someone i think its another girl, or everytime i go out of town to visit family i feel like he is online again talking to other girls telling them how beautiful they are and how he wants to web cam with them!! Like does anyone have any kind of advice? Is this normal behavior for guys??

  59.  #59Rori Raye on May 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Danielle – nothing’s normal. It’s about how things sit with you. Okay – I’m going out on a limb here. Yes, this is weird and icky and bad and not what a girl wants. And yet – he’s there with you, he’s a great father, he makes you happy, and he isn’t actually going OUT with anyone else or SLEEPING with anyone else (and this would be the only thing for you to talk with him about – and if you get ANGRY – it WILL NOT WORK!!!) As long as this can be completely out in the open, something you can laugh about because all these women want him but he’s chosen YOU, and by his ACTIONS he seems true blue physically, (it seems to me from what you say that it’s all “incoming” and he’s not doing much outgoing?) then – I don’t know what I would do. I might give it a go for the baby’s sake…and try to work it out with him. Listen – some people SWING!!! and almost ALL of them have great marriages! So I don’t want to put out RULES here…unless this is something you just don’t want to handle. Then you have to leave. I don’t think trying to get him to stop will get you anywhere – that’s a fantasy. Either you accept a certain amount of his women friendships, on terms you can handle…or you leave. If it were me – I’d really try to explore the options in the relationship – perhaps see what he needs in these other women and if it could be met in the marriage without them. Maybe he’s unbalanced from combat…there are lots of things going on here…Love, Rori

  60.  #60british on June 6, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Hey Rori, hey girlies!

    I read Cali-girls post and had to respond, because I feel I can really relate to what she is going through!

    I’ve been a reader/follower of Rori for a few months. Even though she doesn’t know me personally, she has helped me in more ways than anyone else has been able to – and for that, I trust my heart in her hands completely!

    Big shout out to Rori, for finding me true love! ofc there’s a catch, he’s being deployed for 15 months, to Afghanistan this September!

    It’s so easy to be selfish and wollow in self pitty, it takes a strong woman to deal with this effectively!
    Cali-girl has been a breath of fresh air and a real example! It’s nice to see someone facing a difficult situation with a positive out look! I agree with almost, if not everything she mentioned. I have much respect for you, I planned on dealing with this situation similarly to how you have, it’s put my mind at ease to know that you’re getting through this positively and that it is possible to make the best out of a bad situation!

    This close community has helped me no end! I wouldn’t be where I am, or this happy, without you guys!

    I am here to offer my opinion, we all know deployment is incredibly difficult. It’s hard not to fall into the traps of being needy, over functioning, or charging ahead with masculine energy… like Rori says, use your masculine energy to go out and save the world or make a million pounds (dollars). You’ll feel better for it and you’ll have more to talk about with your man when you do speak, rather than ringing him… just to ring him 😉

    Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how much you whine, complain, cry, get angry, feel hurt, heart broken…. he’s going to be deployed!!… no matter what we do, it is inevitable!

    My ex lived and still lives by this motto “take the reigns or lose it all” and I thought this was very fitting! We can either support and respect our men’s desicions and choices, knowing that this is what they wanted…. and who are we to stand in front of their dreams? or, we can lose it all, walk away and find someone else. Either way, he’s going for 6-15 months! whether we like it or not, so ladies – time to focus on ourselves…loving ourselves and being happy!

    Somewhere along the line, you decided what this ment for you and if it was worth it. Im 99% sure he didn’t hide his occupation of being in the Army/Navy/Air force etc away from you… you knew this! Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, but there are strategies that can be adopted in order to cope. It might be a scary/ worrying for us about the situation but I promise you, it’s a lot more emotional for them!

    P.s, Rori I think having this catagorie for women of men in the army/navy/ air force etc is an AMAZING idea! Once again, you haven’t failed me!


  61.  #61british on June 6, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    p.s sorry caligirl for spelling your username wrong, I don’t know why I decided to add a “-” to it, seeing as it’s 5am and I haven’t been to bed…I am going to put it down to lack of sleep 😛

  62.  #62Rori Raye on June 7, 2010 at 10:15 am

    British, Welcome, and thank YOU for YOUR service to us all…distance is always a tough thing. distance with danger attached must feel so intense, and I can only say how there is no way we could do without women like you – because the men who are being deployed need their wives and families for the sake of all of us. So – thank you. and – I LOVE your attitude! If you are the kind of woman who can flourish and thrive in this kind of environment – who can enjoy the time alone to think and prosper personally and pray and discover what life means, and enjoy friends and the tiny details of life – a truly spiritual, peaceful, inner life – then this will be amazing for you. I’m here for you 100%. This is the ticket: “time to focus on ourselves…loving ourselves and being happy!” Love, Rori

  63.  #63Marie on June 7, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Hi Rori,
    I have a complex situation. I am married and am the classic overfunctioner. I made most of the money, managed that house and children, when my son needed more than his school was providing, I also home-schooled him for two years, all the while dragging this dead carcass of a man (my husband) behind me. I was no longer interested in sex with him and we have not been intimate in years. One day, I woke up and just leaned back. I decided I’m not going to make most of the money and don’t care about the consequences financially. I’m not doing most of the management of the children. My son went back to school – he was ready and is now just thriving. I stopped all of my controlling behavior – I just really don’t care anymore if we get the floors sanded or not. Who cares? ! My husband has picked up the ball financially and in every other way and doing better all the time. I lost about 30 pounds and look and feel fabulous. My problem is I know I should be wanting my relationship with my husband again, now that he is acting like a man, but I just don’t. I never felt cared for, even though he is the kindest, funniest, drop dead handsome man. I feel used by him. I have two children and am in the marriage for that reason, and also because there is a chance that I won’t have to work so hard to support myself and my family since my husband is now working more. I feel I need a break after carrying the whole thing on my back for so long. So I started an affair. Jim is a great guy,cares for me etc., in a marriage that is no longer intimate. I was a woman who did not need a man at all for anything and now I’m struggling to keep myself central, not focus on him, lean back using all your tools, I am circular dating and get lots of attention. Yet, I’m finding I feel great for a little while, but that great feeling does not last. It does not feel secure – obviously – it’s an affair. I’m realizing an affair with a man, even with someone who cares and you connect with, is still an affair and it is the second relationship. I am slowly coming to the conclusion an affair will not make me feel good, no matter who it is with. Therefore, I feel caught in a cage. I cannot leave my marriage, I no longer love my husband, but I so want the relationship I deserve with a man. I feel so trapped.
    Whatever insight you can provide would be very helpful. THANK YOU.

  64.  #64Rori Raye on June 7, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Marie – Welcome, and okay….you’re not going to like this. I don’t believe you’ve exhausted your options with your husband. Everything – all feeling, sex – everything will come back for you if you can reestablish emotional intimacy. this means everything you’ve been feeling and stuffing all these years needs to be expressed. This is where therapy and coaching really, really make a difference. Spend your money getting help reestablishing your relationship with your husband. Start with just you…then see if he’ll go with you. It might take a while and some trial-and-error to find the right people to help you…but your marriage is where the gold is – not with this other man – who is MARRIED!!!! If you feel you’d rather be alone – let that conclusion happen after all the other garbage you’ve been carrying around gets out in the open – NOT AS AN ATTACK! – we’re talking about non-violent communication here – and your husband deals with it. I can make some suggestions for coaches who work by phone, but you’ll have to find a face-to-face therapist in your town on your own. Do it. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Marie on June 7, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thanks for the response and you are right, I don’t like it! I know what you are saying is true, I need to either reconnect or leave. I’m in no-man’s land now (literally). I came to the conclusion about leaning-back on my own and the results are truly amazing. I just don’t feel anything for my husband any longer. I have been sucked dry. I am no longer angry with him, I feel nothing. I feel so tired. Not depressed, but weary. I do have a recommendation for a good marriage therapist (he promised me he would make the arrangements but it never happened, so I dug in my heels and have initiated this) and for my sake, I will get the ball rolling. Due to ordering your programs, I understand my role in all of this, he’s NEVER had to step up until now. No wonder I feel tired. It’s been 20 years of dragging him behind me. The affair has been my attempt to feel again and hang on for the sake of my children, but it’s really at my own expense.
    Thanks for the insight and for everything you do.

  66.  #66british on June 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Rori, thank you so much for your kind words, it means a whole lot to me! Reading and following your work changed EVERYTHING for me, dramatically and very qucikly!

    Not only did it help me leave a toxic man and a HORRIBLE situation, that I want to slap myself for sticking around as long as I did looking back over it all…. but you helped me to find a truely amazing man that I could not be any more in love with, and I owe it all to your work! I got the relationship I wanted and deserved!

    Not only did your work change who I was, where I live and who I am now going to spend the rest of my life with, it also changed how I am going to spend the rest of my life! Let me explain, I started reading your work the end of last year, seeing such a dramatic turn around in my life and the influence you have had on so many of our lives, I decided that I really want to help people the way you have helped me!

    So I deicded to become a relationship counsellor! I applied to university to do counselling and psychology, and I got accepted! I start September.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done, I really don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough, or stress enough how much I owe to you! So I am going to show my gratitude, through trying to help others in the same way that you have helped me!


  67.  #67Nanceen on June 29, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    This is for the pregnant ladies, who have hubbies overseas….please maybe this is not the best advice but here goes, I noticed Rori talked about the super nanny that helped a mom, that did pics and a blog. Why dont you ladies, once a week or every two week, dress up your hair and your face as soft and beautiful as you know how, put on your lovliest maternity dress and take a pic but make sure your tummy is showing through a little, this way he is seeing how you are suddenly bigger, every week he gets to see some progress and a smiling happy face. He is gonna think, wow look at her all brave and positive, a real little trooper back there, you can also pose holding three gallons of ice cream and five hotdogs and grinning goofy like you have cravings. Dress up your dog (gently) in baby clothes or a baby bonnet and put a caption that says “honey the baby arrived early”. He will crack up…draw a mustache on yourself, put a fake beard on and say “something is wrong with my hormones”…

    cheer up, he is still in the world, he loves you, you are going to be fine, your job is to be your beautiful self and get ready for motherhood. Enjoy your pregnancy, lean back, laugh delightedly, life is in you and he will join you in the fun!!!

  68.  #68caligirl on August 23, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    hey everyone, just giving you an update on me and the marine.

    well, i started to take my own advice with him and everything was going GREAT. then somewhere a few months ago…i went back into panic mode. i did everything i had done before to push him away. i even stopped exercising and i gained 20 lbs.

    i could feel i was losing him, i was sending him so many emails telling him all these emotions i was having… finally he broke things off with me, said he didnt want this kind of stress.

    i. freaked. out.

    everything i had been trying to prevent, HAPPENED!
    i was so devastated. i wrote an email a week later after he broke things off and told him i’d like to still be friends and that we could keep it platonic, he wrote back and agreed. i thought for sure it was over.

    so, i signed up with leukemia and lymphoma society’s team in training program to do my first full marathon just so i could get my mind off of things. i’ve been training hard for months now. i got super involved in my novel again and i made changes in my job and pushed myself forward to become promoted and having everyone work under me with only one person as my boss now. i’ve been dating… still hate every guy, but found some cool friends. made out with a few people. whatever.

    then…he started emailing and facebook chatting me again. still giving me the friend vibe. i think he was testing the waters. then about 3 weeks ago… we’re having this conversation and he tells me hes coming home from afghanistan at the end of sept (which would make is tour only 8 months instead of the original 13 months). he then tells me he wants to fly me out to the east coast as soon as he gets back and have this amazing weekend with me that he misses me cant wait to see me and he also apologized for “everything he put me through.” when he said that i just about hit the floor.

    i never thought i’d see that day. i never thought he’d come back to me. i really didnt. i thought i had messed up for good.

    but i kept cool and calm and now he is back in my life and i’ve learned a huge lesson actually a few. i cant believe how patient i’ve become. it feels great.

    i cant wait until he picks me up from the DC airport and i just jump on him. 🙂

    Hope everyone can take something from my story. i screwed up twice with him. after the first time i faked like i learned a lesson, but 2nd time around when he was REALLY gone, that got my butt in to gear!!!

    wish ya’ll the best of luck. hopefully i wont come back here for a “third mess up”

  69.  #69caligirl on August 23, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    and to British,

    good luck to you girl!! if you need any support, let me know!

    he might not be out there for 15 months, my marine was supposed to go for 13 and he just found out they cut it to 8 thats why hes coming back early. hopefully that happens for your man as well!

  70.  #70caligirl on August 24, 2010 at 12:05 am

    and if any of ya’ll need another distraction from thinking of your men overseas, feel free to stalk my twitter account @msmonicafay

    i dont really say anything important. just random hilarious things that might distract you from harassing your guy haha

  71.  #71Jenny on September 21, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Hey everyone,
    I have a fiance who is in the military as well. I have no family members or friends in the military. So thats why I’m coming to you. Now I was suppose to fly out to see him. I bought a ticket and a few days later he text me stating that he couldn’t talk that he was being shipped out for training. I replied and all he could say was that he had to turn his phone off and that he would be back hopefully in a monh. Now I feel that it is very sudden for them to tell him that he was being shipped out in such a short notice. Is this common and is it common for them to tell you that over a text and not be able to call. Please help. I still learning how this whole military thing works.

  72.  #72Rori Raye on September 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Jenny…go talk to military wives…do some research..it’s totally common for men to get shipped out at a moment’s notice…Love, Rori

  73.  #73Joli on October 19, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    My husband works overseas and is gone a year at a time. I get very bored while he is gone. I have to re-learn every time how to have my own identity and struggle with that on a regular basis. I guess I do push him away by always wanting to chat when ” I want to” not when ” he wants too”.
    Learning how to be away is not easy, but I know he is doing the one thing he knows of how to support a family.

  74.  #74nina on March 9, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    I have this issue..my husband is deployed and im 3 months pregnant and really emotional all the time..i always get worried when i dont get a IM from him..I get worried also to the point i just sit and stare…sometimes when im talking to him he sounds like he dont really want to talk to me..were open but sometimes its just hard for me coz hes so far away and im all the way here. When i tell him how i feel he would get mad at me and dont want to talk..what i wish is that hed understand and not say negative things..he would say your thoughts are stuoid or what your thinking is stupid..or he would say you worry bout dumb stuff…can anybody give me advise on this..

  75.  #75Iesha on March 21, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Rori are you high??? Do not lend your advice if it’s a bunch of bullsh*t like that. My husband is over seas. And just like him and I always talk about. We are what keeps them going. He’s friends get pissed at him cause he does keep in contact with me often because they don’t want to contact their wives a lot. Do you think that he cares. No!! He is going to contact me when ever he can because truth be told he never knows what might happen to him. We are given today but never promise tomorrow. I sent my husband a stuff doggy for V-day and told him to sleep with it and sprayed my perfume on it. And he truly does everynight. And gets made fun of all the time. Do you think he cares. No!!! I am his wife. They don’t mean shit to him. Their his friends but true be told he probably wont see them again after his term is up because that’s normally what happens. So why is he going to risk losing his family for simple embarrassment. And if a man is like that then F*ck um!! You don’t need that. It is not only your husband going through this. Your husband can go to bed knowing you are home safe. You have to go to bed and wake up and go through everyday of your life wondering if you will ever see him again and if he is safe. The least they can do is humor us with a phone call and steady letters!!

  76.  #76caligirl on March 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

    lesha, if everything is as wonderful with your husband as you say, why are you on a relationship advice site?

    hmm… all i know is when things are going well in my relationships, im not scavenging on self help and advice sites for the situation i’m doing soooo well in.

  77.  #77british on March 21, 2011 at 10:28 am

    lmao caligirl, you set her straight! 😛

  78.  #78Iesha on March 21, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I stumbled on it I was looking up tributes and types of dedications on google and this shit popped up and I started reading the first thing I saw. So don’t comment because your bitter and probably got a husband who walks all over you or just no man at all. I was looking to do something amazing or my wonderful husband! So don’t get shit twisted hun. Don’t comment on what you don’t know. You can expect to come on a web page and read advice from other females and expect it to work. Sad ass people. And Ms. British grow up seriously no one set me straight I didn’t have my self in a situation where I could have been set straight I just said how it was overseas and how a real man will treat his woman. Again the only people that would have offended would have been the sad ass lonely ones who can’t keep their husband or man. When me and my husband have a problem we talk it amongst one another. Hence the word Relationship/marriage. If anyone is offended by my comment then it’s cause your man don’t treat you right and instead o trying to bad mouth me and talking shit to me do something about your man and not talk it over with complete strangers. Again you can’t argue what I am saying because it’s all true!!

  79.  #79Iesha on March 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    you can’t expect to come on a web page is what it should say

  80.  #80british on March 21, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    girl, grow up! your the one coming on a multi-millionaires ADVICE page and start saying how useless we all are… even though we are perfectly happy, successful women. For some reason you are projecting YOUR anger upon people who you dont know, to make it easier for yourself? so you dont have to DEAL with YOUR emotions… get over yourself… if you cant stand this page so much STOP COMING ON HERE cause im pretty sure we can all do without your negative ass comments… SO BEFORE YOU START POINTING FINGERS MAKE SURE YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN!! 🙂

  81.  #81caligirl on March 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    actually, for hundreds and hundreds of years, even today, that is EXACTLY what women do. they get together for advice and support and go to the person in the community who seems to have the most clarity about the problem. so really, miss strong one in the perfect relationship, YOU shouldn’t get twisted.

    all women thrive in a community of peers who support them through all issues whether it is purely paranoia or if it is a real problem they don’t know how to go about correcting.

    so, thank you for your irrelevant two cents.

    and by the way, i mended my relationship, he wasnt my fiance or husband, just a boyfriend. and now we are friends and he had himself sent back to afghanistan only 4 months after getting back. i’d say i did pretty well keeping my shit straight.

    so… run along and go do that special thing for your husband…

    maybe hes used to your nosey and bitchy holier than thou rants and he’d rather just keep quiet and “talk” to you than hear your shit.

  82.  #82Heather on April 14, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Jolie, I would really like to hear how you keep it together, step-by-step. I am having a really rough time myself, and have tried google searches, and website after website….this is the only place I have found women going through the same thing…and feeling the same way.

    I am 3 months pregnant and my husband is in Japan for 1 year. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel alone, and sad. I am stressed. I am taking care of a 4 year old, and pregnant, and trying to buy a house. My husband doesn’t even seem like he WANTS to talk to me. I’ve tried searching for a common answer on what a reasonable amount to talk is weekly…but cannot find one. When I asked him to help me make a communication schedule to take the guess work out of it, he declined and left it up to me.

    I really can’t express how thankful I am to have found this site. I appreciate any and all comments that aren’t rude.

  83.  #83CT11 on May 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I just spent a long time reading everyone’s comments and in some ways I feel like a huge weight has been lifted! My husband is currently stationed in Korea and there are no command sponsorships available at this time so it looks like he will be serving the year there without me. He’s been gone for over three months now and is serving 12. In the last year the most consecutive time we’ve spent together was two weeks over Christmas. He joined the Army after us already being engaged. I knew that it was something he really wanted for himself and I let him know that he didn’t have to do it and it’s not what I wanted, but I would support him and nothing between us would change based off of his decision to join. I have missed him greatly and been lonely, but I’ve learned to adjust to it. I’m not used to it by any means, but I’ve adjusted. Since he’s been in Korea things have really been stressful. We fight more than we ever have before. I chalk a lot of it up to circumstance and how we are both stressed and upset, but I know that we also have some issues to work out. He used to work and then spend all his free time in his barracks Skype-ing or calling me. He told me that’s all he wanted to do because that is what made him happiest. That is what makes me happiest as well. This last weekend I was completely blindsided when he told me that he still loved me more than anything, but he felt pushed away and didn’t know if he could stay married to me any longer. I went through a range of emotions, from infuriated to heartbroken. I blamed him and drew conclusions in my mind like he had found someone else and that had to be the case since this was out of nowhere. I was so angry thinking that I’ve sacrificed a lot and given up nearly everything I had going on in order to move for his career. I’ve waited so long and been so lonely in order for him to do this. The only thing that has kept me sane throughout the last year is the fact that I kept my “eyes on the prize.” I just knew that we would in fact be together again and even the little bit of time we spend together makes up for it. Of course in thinking there was someone else, I was really hurt thinking that after all this time of being sad and lonely and planning to stay this way until he came home, he could throw it away on someone he has met within the last few months. He took our wedding pictures of the refrigerator in his room. He still hasn’t put them back up and says he just keeps forgetting. He used to never take off his wedding ring. I told him repeatedly not to weld with it on because it’s dangerous, but now he leaves it off because he won’t wear it to play softball, it was dirty and he “layed it down to dry”, or he just forgot to put it back on after work. These things have all made me suspicious. He also took a bunch of cash out of the ATM, 160.00 actually, and said he used it to buy groceries this last weekend when in fact, he doesn’t have any groceries right now in his room. The refrigerator has been broken for a month and the only food he is eating is all of the microwave stuff I sent him. I was on his FB to upload his Korea photos and his SGT. sent a message saying “how was the movie?” He never told me he was going to a movie. This was the same night he said he was too tired to talk about the state of our relationship and he wanted to sleep so that we could talk about it the next day. He told me that he went to the movies with some guy friends and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want me to get angry. I told him I wasn’t angry that he went to a movie, but if I knew our marriage was having problems I wouldn’t avoid talking about it to fix things by going out with friends. I would sit there and talk it out until things are resolved. He ignored my calls and instant messages all weekend long so we didn’t really talk about things until that Monday. All of these things made me very suspicious. I thought maybe he had been sitting around with his buddies there and they were feeding him these ideas because this sounded nothing like him. Then I started thinking about my faults and what I could have done to cause this. I decided to just trust that what he was telling me was the truth. We have talked about things and what needs to change in order to maintain our relationship and we are working through it. I still don’t feel completely happy though. He has taken up playing softball there because they have some kind of league and go to other bases to play other teams. When he isn’t working, that’s what he is doing. I want him to have fun and have a hobby because the less depressed he is, the better we get along. The problem is, I feel hurt that I’m not longer what makes him happiest. I’m still hurting that his feelings have somehow changed. Talking to me used to be all he wanted to do, and now it no longer even seems a priority. The only time he has for me isn’t designated time. It’s time he would be spending in his room anyway like when he’s getting ready for bed, on lunch, or getting ready for work. I want to feel as if he makes specific time for me. I keep getting angry thinking that these guys he is hanging out with that he’s only known for such a short time are superseding me when in reality if he left Korea tomorrow he probably wouldn’t talk to them again. Their lives would go on as if nothing is missing and nothing has changed. I am giving him his space. I want him to miss me and how can he do that if I won’t stop harassing him to talk to me? I told him about this and how I want him to have time specifically for me seeing as how I make time for him. The time difference is brutal, but I wake up in the middle of the night to make time for him. He told me that he understands that, but then he was just sarcastic and told me he would stop playing softball. I keep telling him that’s not what I want. It just seems that everything has changed in a way and out of nowhere. We weren’t even fighting when this came about. Actually, we had gone a week without even a tiny argument. He said things were just building up and he couldn’t take it anymore. Now I’m terrified to mention when something is hurting me because I don’t want him to get angry. He told me that’s how he felt towards me before all of this. I want him to understand that our marriage isn’t about revenge. He shouldn’t be getting even with me about how I made him feel. If he wants it to work, then we need to be equals and communicate effectively. I do have my own life, but talking to him is my favorite thing to do. Communication is all we have right now since we can’t be together physically. I would cancel my plans at the drop of a hat, and have, because he wanted to Skype or spend a night playing “20 questions” or other goofy games over Skype. I feel like maybe part of what I’m dealing with is that we’ve never had such a big blowout and never even mentioned divorce before so maybe I’m just having a hard time feeling comforted from so far away when he isn’t physically here to remind me how much he loves me. I want him to talk to me and make time for me because that is what he wants and what makes him happy, not because I’m forcing him to or he feels obligated. Any advice, insight, or even encouraging words would be great at this point. Like I said, just reading everyone’s stories and experiences helped me to feel some kind of sense of relief that I’m not alone in feeling like this.

  84.  #84CT11 on May 13, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I know that was VERY long already, but I’d also like to add that I do consider myself lucky that he still contacts me at all and that he is somewhere safe where he has the ability to communicate often. I know if he were elsewhere we might not be so lucky. The issue is that something has changed in his mind or heart and he feels differently towards me and I can’t get over it. I’m not really sure how to deal with it and why it changed out of nowhere.

  85.  #85I'm Trying on June 16, 2011 at 1:06 am

    just want to say to all the wives, fiancés&gfs be proud of ur men&ur commitment to them. It takes a strong individual to do what u do. you inspire me.
    But down to business… Ive been seeing my guy since we were sophomores (before he showed any interest in being a marine). We’d tell each othr everything. We took it to the next level on&off ovr the yrs. But he was In Love with me, I just loved him.
    So when he asked me out I told him no, I didn’t want to ruin any chance of us being togethr by cheating while he’s deployed.
    I got with my ex bf again.
    But then as we kept talking I fell in love with my marine. By this time Id convinced him it’d be a bad idea for us to date while he was deployed&when I had a change of heart & asked he said no.
    Again I went back to same ex.
    On his pre-deploy leave he came to see me & I cheated on the guy mentioned above with my marine.
    Now he’s in Japan, bout2weeks now. He still says he loves me every time we talk&evn publicly tells his guy friends he won’t do anythin with the girls ovr there because he’s interested in someone bck home (hopefully me right? Lol) But he won’t commit even tho he’ll have steady communication&I broke it off with my bf. He won’t evn say he’ll be with me when he comes back. He did say he will definitely come see me when he’s back(8months frm now)but that’s it
    I go out with friends, focus on my upcoming move to college, and family life, etc. But he’s always on my mind. I feel like I’m pushing him away with all my “I love/need you’s” etc. Because he’ll get on fb & do other things & not talk to me. I’d like to be with him. More than anything. When I’m with othr guys all I think of is him. But then again he is alwayyys on my mind. Before it used to scare me when he’d talk about kids and marriage (mostly jokingly) but I can really see myself with him now… what to do?

  86.  #86Sslove on June 30, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Hey everyone, I was on google and just doing a little research trying to figure out how often i’ll hear from my boyfriend(we’ve just started dating) while he’s in Japan for two years. I ran into this blog, and saw that it was still active which actually really suprised me. So, i’m just trying to get some advice from some of you military girlfriends, wives, or soon to be wives. This is my first relationship where the guy is in the military(and ohhhh buddy my parents are excited lol). He’s a GREAT guy! We just started dating and i’ve never been happier(and I was once engaged, wow…). But i’m a bit nervous to find out how these next two years will play its part, and I know it’s best for me to stay busy as much as possible. I’ll be starting college up again(hopefully full time) for nursing and hopefully have spare time for a little work and a little time with my friends. Is it best for me to stay this busy? If the offer ever comes(which i’m sure it will since guys will try anything to get with a girl) when my friend wants me to chill with her and go to a bar or something, should I? Is it best that I should just keep to myself and stay busy? Not interact with crowds that would promote temptations? I’m all new to the whole military world, so any advice would be great. 🙂 Thanks <3

  87.  #87stephanie on October 17, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    i am not a wife but a marine gf. im in ohio and he is stationed in japan. we dated in high school and lost touch for a few years.. weve been back together for 6 mos now. one thing i have learned in these 6 months is when youre with a military man you have to work around HIM and his schedule.. sometimes i feel like i am not first.. the only way we can communicate is IMing and skype when possible due to a 13 hour time difference. and when i see he is on and doesnt try to talk to me, it does hurt sometimes. ive explained this to him though, and recently, he seems to be putting forth more effort.. i admit, sometimes i flirt with other guys, but im not sure dating around is a good idea. i really like the idea of leaning back to get more interest from him but its really hard NOT to want to talk to him every chance i get. but i think seeing other guys would really hurt him if he found out. like that would be unfaithful to him when he doesnt see other girls over there.. like some of the women mentioned here i find myself feeling guilty and wanting to go home to talk to him when i do go out. weve talked about marriage and a family but when the subject is brought up again, he pulls away and changes the subject or makes jokes. some of my guy friends and his guy friends say he does mean those things when he says them but when asked about it later is just scared. i want to believe that but the distance plays tricks on you. it makes you paranoid sometimes..

  88.  #88stephanie on October 17, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    im not sure what advice im looking for lol but any feedback is welcome

  89.  #89Theresa on October 24, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Hi my boyfriend has been in Afghanistan for almost 7 months now. We’ve been dating for 3 years with some struggles at times. My boyfriend is 20 and I am 19. For the first 5-6 months he was very loving and would want to talk to me every time he could get on facebook. He would even tell other people to text me, so I could get online to talk to him. He even sent me flowers while he was over there. He was perfect and was planning on marrying me when he got back. He has never cheated on me and is always loving and caring. I don’t believe his feelings have truly changed for me but I am concerned at how Afghanistan is effecting him and what I can do to help. I can tell how much he hates it there and he is getting quit depressed. His friend also died about a month ago while on post with him. For the past couple weeks he has been distant, not as excited to talk to me and will not care if I get on when he is on. He is also very self centered with his feelings, not caring how a comment can hurt me. He has not complimented me and only says I love you if I say it first. Also a few days ago he told me that he does not want to have sex when he gets back without any explanation as why this sudden change. This is very strange because he always use to tell me how sexy he finds me and how he can’t wait to be home and see it. I just want to know if our relationship is ok and if there is anything I can do to make us go back to normal?

  90.  #90who cares on August 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    So, you are telling all these women that it is their fault, and something that they have to fix. But let me ask you, if we are the ones that have to change, why do the men not have to change. What man ever thought it would be okay to be deployed and not write or call his wife on a regular basis. We marry them, knowing what career they have, but we also marry them when they are treating us right and paying attention to us. Now, suddenly, because they are deployed, it is okay to forget to call us, or they are too tired to spend five minutes in a chat with us. Why can’t the men change? What your doing is allowing these women to feel it is all their fault, when in reality both men and women do things in their marriage that get them to this situation. It breaks my heart when I read these women saying “thank you” to you for you telling them that it is their fault. If we have to be someone we aren’t, and pretend not to worry, why don’t men have to do the same. Why don’t men have to try to change and call us more often. Why do they think if they are in another country that we mean nothing anymore, and that they can call when they feel like it. I am about two seconds from leaving my husband, and if this is what all men are going to be like, then what is the damn point anymore. I have to marry a man, follow him wherever he goes, give up so much, and then wait around for him to come home, and for him to decide that I am interesting enough to pay attention to. Total crap. If any of these men/women are going through something when they are overseas, the dependents go through things that are pretty hard as well. Why is what we go through meaningless? We have to lose our spouses, learn to live without them, worry about if they are alive or dead, and then go through the whole process of them comming back into our household and getting used to everything again. What we go through is just as much of a mental strain as what they are having to deal with, and your comment about how that person knew that their spouse was in the army and that they should have known what that was going to mean is completely incorrect. No knowledge of a man being in the service when you get married is as eye opening as being married to a man and your stuck overseas alone with no family and he is in afghanistan or TDY. That poor innocent bride didn’t have a clue what it was really going to be like, until she experienced it first hand. All of your advice makes me feel like we are in the old days when women are supposed to stay in the kitchen and do for the man, and forget who we really are. Oh, and as far as your research about what a soldier is, well believe me, there are many personalities here, and there is not typical “SOLDIER”. If I married a man with emotions, I expect those emotions to stick around and not just disapear. It is sad that all these women are breaking themselves down to be something that they aren’t. Go on, be your fake little selves and pretend that your marriage is fantastic, because you have pretended to not be needy. Lets all be fake for the man. Because his interest is short lived and we can’t lose that can we? So many military relationships are messed up, and I think the real answer is getting the military to do some changes to their members. Getting them to realize how important family is and how important their wives are. I wish for once the man could see what it is like for us to go on deployment and leave him all alone with a bunch of kids and never call.

  91.  #91Rori Raye on August 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

    who cares – your letter is so important, it makes me want to do an entire program for you (and several of my team members are married to soldiers, though I have no personal experience, I would get experts like you on the program). Until I can do that…I appreciate anything you want to write here about what it feels like.

    Essentially – it goes like this, regardless of the situation. You HAVE to change, because SOMEONE has to go FIRST!!! That’s basically it! If you want a man – you have to love him the way he is, and you have to change in order to simply ACCEPT him the way he is. If he’s not what you want – you leave. Plain and simple. Kids and all. I know that’s not considered cool for the wife of someone who’s deployed, and so in your situation, I’d feel trapped beyond measure. All women who are dependent financially on their husbands feel trapped, and all feel trapped by the stigma of leaving a man, especially when they have children.

    When we are not financially independent, it becomes hard to make choices. Your only option is to change yourself until you feel that you actually DO have more options. Just ad you had no idea what it was like to serve as the wife of a man in service – a soldier rarely is remotely prepared for the experience of being deployed in a dangerous or actual war zone. The suicide rate in the military is frightening, and you are so right that the military needs to change, to find ways to help all military families. I don’t know if Michelle Obama is merely talking about this – or if she’s helped military families – and you would likely know better than any of us. If there are any new initiatives in the military or outside to help military families – they could sure use the passion you clearly have and have written from here.

    I thank you personally for your service, and can only imagine the pressure and challenge of your situation. Bottom line – we can’t change anyone else. It simply can’t be done. They can be INSPIRED to change, and encouraged to change, and sometimes threats and ultimatums work for a bit, but rarely permanently the way inspiration does. Love, Rori

  92.  #92Such bull on January 30, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    This is such bullshit. Do NOT give your very inaccurate advise and opinions on a matter you have not one fucking clue about. My husband has been gone for THREE years, stationed in Japan. In that time I’ve raised a toddler, gotten pregnant when he came back to visit, been pregnant, had yet another baby, and now am basically a single mother of two while he’s away. And lately I have been getting completely ignored. You couldn’t even fathom what it feels like on either side of our relationship. Telling her she’s the one who needs to change… Who the fuck are you? I read her post, yes she’s needy but my god her emotions are incredibly valid. How dare you say it’s her fault and not equally her husbands. What makes you even think that way? I love when people stick their noses into a military relationship when they’ve never been through one themselves. Go to hell.

  93.  #93Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Such bull – Welcome, and yes, you are welcome here, and I hear your anger and pain and am sorry. Please know that I work often with military wives who use and recommend my advice and Tools. I’m not saying I’m for everyone, and I’m sorry I do not work for you. That said, have you worked with my ebook? One thing I know for sure – when a woman is as angry with a man as you are, she might as well leave her man, because that anger isn’t going to interest him in her at all. Who wouldn’t ignore a woman who hates him? And who wouldn’t hate a man who ignores you? It’s a vicious cycle, and long distance ALWAYS sucks.

    No one said we have to be married. And no one said you have to remain a single mom. No one said you have to live anywhere but where he’s stationed. I work with military wives whose husbands are in Iraq and Afghanistan, where they CAN’T go to live and visit. Several of my business team leaders are military wives. They’ve found work where they can work virtually and follow their husbands around the world (with their children…) UNLESS they’re in combat situations. Obligation isn’t the same as loving commitment. I would never in a million years stay in a situation where my husband was in a foreign country for 3 years without working out a way to be together. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Love, Rori