What to Do If His Ex is Still Hanging Around and Needs Him All the Time

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If you’re doing great with a man but his ex is always in the picture, this letter from Martine with my answer is for you:

“Rori, I’m dating a lovely man….I hope…..and we decided that we weren’t doing sex until we were ready to work on a commitment. He lives about 150 miles from me …so it has been a long distance relationship. His grandson lives in my town. Our first date lasted 3 days….he got a hotel room and we went out Fri night, sat day…then night…and then again on sun.

We’ve been with each other every weekend and we have a blast….here’s the problem…when I was at his house last time, his ex-girlfriend started calling and emailing. He started explaining about their torturous relationship…and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. He talked about her quite a bit.

Finally I told him that it made me uncomfortable…he agreed, and he stopped. I just found out today that he’s seen her twice….as friends….she calls him to help her with stuff…and he goes. He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. He didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked. I told him we’d have to talk later because I was feeling upset and I needed to think……help!!! Martine”

My Answer:

Martine – so sorry about this.

He sounds great, but you’re stuck in something he won’t do anything about until he’s good and ready – and that’s not now.

Here’s what I say – he’s into this woman who NEEDS him. For whatever reason.

He may LIKE that feeling of being needed (most men love being the Knight In Shining Armor) – perhaps this is a wake up call for you.

Are you holding back?  Are you deliberately not showing him your “weaknesses” and “flaws”?

What needs to happen is for you to stop holding back and cry, use Feeling Messages constantly, tell him the truth of how you feel, and say, straight out, something like:

“I don’t want to share you with any woman, it feels terrible – not even a friend – it makes me feel jealous and I don’t like feeling jealous, so it feels challenging for me to feel trusting enough to really open up to you.  And on the other hand, I know she’s a friend, you have history with her, and you’re a good man and don’t want to not help her when she needs you  – and so I feel kind of stuck here and don’t know what to do…What do you think?”

The truth is – while you’re “working” towards commitment – you’re truly only dating.  And so I hope you’re using Circular Dating at least as a therapeutic technique out in the world – interacting with other men (even if you’re not actually “going out with them” to keep you sane until the relationship feels more solid with him.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Oh gosh, I have to get past my resistance of crying in front of a man

  2.  #2Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 7:02 am

    What happens when it is a self-sufficient man who has a past when a needy woman and he suggests he does not want to be in a situation with anyone who is needy?

  3.  #3Mel on April 18, 2011 at 7:12 am

    I have experienced this issue not with EXs but female friends. Sometimes his desire to “help out” feels like too much. It makes me uncomfortable when he gives a lot of his energy to other women.

    Perhaps I should allow him to be needed by me a little more? But I’m confused because I don’t want to be too needy. Wasn’t that part of our problem? Hmm…. I’m wondering how this applies to me?

  4.  #4The Lurker on April 18, 2011 at 7:15 am

    @FP Right. Crying is only natural. But don’t overdo it. Most men see too much crying as a female tool to manipulate them. And that doesn’t go down well. Almost nobody wants his girlfriend/wife to create a daily drama.

    @Rori: There’s a comment hanging in the moderation queue of the previous thread (maybe it was too long, dunno). Could u give it an up or down vote, please? Thanks!

  5.  #5Mercedes on April 18, 2011 at 7:18 am

    To me, these two things say it all:

    “and how they had broken up a zillion times….but kept going back cause she would call and cry and he felt bad. He talked about her quite a bit.”

    and this:

    “He’s told her about us…she says she happy for him….but she’s a manipulator. He didn’t tell me he saw her….until I asked.”

    Looks to me like this guy is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like them enough to stay with them. In other words, he’ll do anything for her because he feels bad but he’ll also break up with her a zillion times. He’ll be at her beck and call whenever she needs anything but he’ll also talk bad about her behind her back (ie…telling you she’s a manipulator. I’m assuming that’s how Martine is aware of this anyway. Unless she’s met the woman…I’m reading into that part and assuming they have not met).

    In my opinion, if Martine cries and uses feeling messages and shows how much she needs him, he’ll come to her too. But he’ll treat her the same way he’s treating his ex. She’ll still have to share….he just won’t tell her (as he’s done in the past) and the needier she gets, the more he’s going to repeat his pattern This guy is too “nice” to completely break it off from a woman who is needy but he does move on to other women…just won’t move totally on. I’m thinking the right woman for him is going to have to be confident enough to share him with the ex because I doubt he’ll leave her and I’m positive he’ll hide it if he thinks he should.

    I’m sure his heart is in the right place. He seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t want to hurt anyone and so he’ll do whatever they want if he thinks they’re hurting…or he’ll pretend to. A man who is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like needy women will have the same struggles as a woman who keeps attracting toxic men but doesn’t want a toxic man.

    Tough stuff because I’m pretty sure if it were me, I’d move on.

    Much Love,

  6.  #6Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 7:23 am

    LD from the previous thread….

    How about this…Tell yourself..

    ” I love how comfortable and lived in my house feels.. it makes everyone who comes in feel like they are safe to relax… feels like home.. sanctuary… I love how my mother’s up-tight beliefs about cleaning STOPPED with me.. I will not pass them on to my children.. they will know how to live a balanced life… I love how I can live a balanced life… my house in it’s middle of the road cleanliness is balanced… people do not feel uncomfortable in my house… either because it’s so dirty they’re afraid to touch any thing.. Or too CLEAN they are afraid to… it’s just perfect…I love me for being able to provide such a comfortable home for my family and our guests”…

    Hotarmyguy is going to melt when he passes thru your door.. enjoy… thank your mom (in your head) for teaching you how to clean, then thank yourself for being strong enough to find your own truth about house cleaning….

    Just my 2 cents worth… lol

    Angels on your body.

  7.  #7LD on April 18, 2011 at 7:33 am

    OMG PG!

    That was beautiful! You’re making me cry now as I have been doing alot of that lately. I’m so freaking emotional these days!!!!!

  8.  #8T-Girl on April 18, 2011 at 7:34 am

    I am getting nervous about CuteHarleyDude already. Ourt chemistry was very strong and it is freaking me out. He is very sexual and I already told him how I’ve done the “early sex” thing and it never works out for me and he understood. He has been sending me very sweet texts over the weekend and calling me, but there is sex talk mixed in with that as well. We didn’t go to the movies over the weekend – we were supposed to go on Saturday but I asked if we could reschedule to Sunday, then on Sunday he asked to reschedule to Tuesday. (I’m ok with the rescheduling).

    LD – you were talking about MinisterCD and the sex talk – tell me, how did you handle that? I am a sexual person too, and I totally feel how my heart can take over and override my head on this one and give in but I want to do this one right…

    I’m also thinking that my power is shifting over to him where before I was liking how I was thinking that I was a siren and he is just a man. Ugh, this weekend I was riding the top of the wave and now I already feel me floating down.

  9.  #9T-Girl on April 18, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Awesome response Prairie Girl!!

  10.  #10Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 7:37 am

    7: LD

    You KNOW him, Sister. You can feel it all the way down to your toes. HotArmyGuy isn’t the kind of man who is going to judge you on your beautifully, warm, comfortable, HAPPY home. Just isn’t going to happen.

    Stop for a moment, breath and feel what your gut tells you..

    Cheering for you.


  11.  #11Elizabeth on April 18, 2011 at 7:38 am

    I responded to you on the other thread….

  12.  #12Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 7:40 am

    6: PG~

    This is good stuff!

    We are not our houses, our clutter, our favorite dust bunnies in the corner. We are our homes. Our hearts, our love for our children and our the people whose lives we bless and whose lives we bless.

  13.  #13Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 7:41 am

    that was sposed to say, who bless our lives.

    I think ya’ll get the point.


  14.  #14Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 7:46 am

    Great post Rori…It reminded me of a few men …and I felt a smile coming through reminiscent of past memories …


    Beautiful strong wisdom(s) came out of your post…:) I loved your insight…this one stood up to me…


    ~He seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t want to hurt anyone and so he’ll do whatever they want if he thinks they’re hurting…or he’ll pretend to. A man who is drawn to needy women but doesn’t like needy women will have the same struggles as a woman who keeps attracting toxic men but doesn’t want a toxic man.”


    I dated someone like this…It is indeed a real struggle for men too…

    Warm hugs,

  15.  #15LD on April 18, 2011 at 7:47 am


    I told ministerCD:

    “I am a healthy, passionate woman. I feel turned on by you. I WANT to have sex with you, but I don’t feel comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship. I know it will complicate things for me emotionally, and I don’t feel I’m able to handle that yet. What do you think?”

    He seemed OK with that. I think they worry that maybe we’re not as ATTRACTED to them as they are to us, and once we assure them we are, they relax a little. They know women get emotionally attached from having sex, so when we remind them of this they usually understand.

  16.  #16LD on April 18, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Thanks Elizabeth,

    I think you’re right, there’s alot going on here, which also explains the random crying. It feels good though to face the fears and let the emotions out even as scary as it is…

  17.  #17LD on April 18, 2011 at 7:52 am


    But then I went and had 4th date sex with HotArmyGuy with no speech! LOL

    But he didn’t bring sex into our conversations, so I think I’ve felt safe from the beginning that that’s not all he was interested in. I wasn’t sure about ministerCD, because after the first time we made out, that’s all he talked about.

  18.  #18Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Now that I think of it there was a man in my life that seemed to like to be needed. He would come over and do things around the house for me including shoveling snow even when I didn’t ask; though to a certain extent it left me somewhat feeling obligated. What I did not like was the ex that always seemed to be around and last time her car was giving trouble he ended up taking her back and forth for work and when he got tired of that he loaned her his car. The thing I could not understand was she treated him badly but seemed committed to makiing his life miserable. I kicked him off my horse at the beginning of this year and told him never to call me again. I heard a rumor that went off and got married recently, a long distance situation.

    What I did not like about our dynamic was his tendency to use blame as in it’s your fault I woke up late because you didn’t call me. I am triggered by that type of thing because I grew up with it with my mother. He was also the type who would buy gifts to get your favor, really eewww for me because I was not invested. He also told me that he does not answer certain questions because he would always be wrong and he would always say “yes honey”. I don’t like the yes yes because I want to know when a person is angry so we can work through it. He showed his anger only once after I indicated that. One thing I remember is that he would follow me around like a puppy wanting to do things to please. I at times had to share with him that the attention was a bit overwhelming because he would call “all the time” morning and evening and we’d be on the phone for hours. He was a really phone romeo, clingy type of person. He taught me that I too need my space.

  19.  #19LD on April 18, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Thanks Lil,

    crying some more over all of the loving support on here!

  20.  #20Elizabeth on April 18, 2011 at 7:58 am

    16. LD, I know, it really does feel good to do that…

    LOL….I just thought of something a funny friend of mine says when she is complaining about her house looking like one of those tornadoes they’ve been having in the midwest USA hit it….

    “my house looks like a crack addict lives here!”

    I borrowed and have used that line, too!

    You’re gonna have a blast!


  21.  #21Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 7:59 am


    Tinque’s beautiful heartfelt saying comes to mind…

    “Men heal through a woman’s heart…”

    Martine’s willingness to stay centered on herself, be authentic and real at all times with her feelings…express herself in feeling messages …can give this relationship an awesome chance…

    Wow…I feel so strong these days…and I sure feel good and sooo hopeful 🙂

  22.  #22Mercedes on April 18, 2011 at 8:01 am

    DE: Thank you so much! I know quite a few guys like this actually…a women tend to use them because they know the guy will always be there when they “need” them. Plus, women who want these men back know how to come up with all kinds of “emergencies” or excuses to call and ask him for something. If he stays too nice to walk away from her, then the woman in his life currently doesn’t have much choice except to share.

    The part about him not telling Martine about seeing this other woman is what scares me the most. It really does show with ACTIONS that not only isn’t he going to leave the ex, he’s going to hide it. I don’t like that. No matter what, the guy should be upfront and honest….not waiting for her to ask, but instead, just out there with the truth.

    I don’t know…I don’t like it though…

    Thanks for your kind words! I like when someone sees wisdom in what I write…that makes me happy!

    Much Love,

  23.  #23Aanmfmay on April 18, 2011 at 8:02 am

    I’m dating an army guy and although he is hot.. definitely hot in one area:) yum!! I would not describe him as hot:( Anyway whenever I read hotarmyguy I think it’s the same guy and he’s cheating on me!! Feels crazy and I hate it! Yuck! A little background: I was married to a cheater and I don’t wanna go there again ever.. yet in my getting triggered I’m sent right back to all those awful feelings and thots.. Gonna try and sink into the feelings.. I want to go logical, logistical, and probable about this but it doesn’t seem to affect my feelings? So feel, don’t think.. Also feel guilty for not thinking he’s hot and that someone else might tho..

  24.  #24Elizabeth on April 18, 2011 at 8:03 am

    21. Hi Darling Ella,

    That feels good to hear that you are feeling strong and good and hopeful…

    I derive a lot of strength and courage and comfort and more…from reading and participating here


  25.  #25Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I hear ya on the wave…
    I HATE it when it shifts…I don’t have any great advice.. I’m still working on it myself..The only thing that helps me is when I have someone else to distract myself with… or something else sometimes works…sometimes…lol
    I too am very sexual.. I’ll even start to get turned off if there’s NO sexual references… I like guys that can do the perfect balance of talking about it…

  26.  #26LD on April 18, 2011 at 8:06 am


    I remember when I first came on the blog, every post I read I thought was about my ex and that every woman on the blog was dating him and having the same issues with him!

    It’s just because we all have similar stories and it triggers all of our past and present feelings.

    But just to ease your mind, HotArmyGuy is in NC and if you’re really worried it’s the same guy, feel free to email me off of here!

  27.  #27Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:14 am

    FW #18:

    I loved your post…many details…

    I could not help but tell myself…”wow, FW feels triggered quite a bit…there are indeed a few things to heal: feeling obligated…using blame…buying gifts to win me…

    and then I remembered my own experiences on these same topics…and I feel so grateful for having them healed…because I no longer feel upset about them…

    how did i heal them? Circular dating…meeting men and even women (not dating lol) – each recent encounter brought up unhealed triggers…but this time…i immediately check the source…me…checked to see if there is a boundary breach…check my feelings about it…choose my words…and gosh…express my feelings very quickly…

    Now, when these same issues come again…i feel smiley…and a big wave a compassion for the person in front me…

    Warm hugs,

  28.  #28Aanmfmay on April 18, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Wow LD, thanks for that, I’m in TX:) I’m so happy to know others have gone thru and felt similar things and so appreciate all the beautiful support here!! Thank you so much!

  29.  #29Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Elizabeth #24:

    Thank you 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  30.  #30Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

    LD #26:

    Gosh, I felt the exact same way…I literally was holding my breath sometimes…I felt anxiety reading some posts…and looking for details to confirm we were not dating the same man…awful feeling…these days, i feel so much more relieved of this burden…

    Warm hugs,

  31.  #31Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 8:31 am

    HotAlphaMale circled back around. Hasn’t changed his tune. Haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and he still is wanting me to get together with him to have sex to see if we are compatible BEFORE he gets serious.

    This is the reason I booted him off my horse, and off my horse, he remains. There is no kind of FM or anything that works this way. I told him I felt disrespected and it went right over his head, completely ignored, to which he responded, invite me over.

    I told him that felt awful and wished him luck in his adventures.

    I feel dirty and need a shower.

  32.  #32Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Mercedes #22:

    I so love your “worrier” and loyal spirit…to do always what’s right…:) This shows character to me…strong moral values…i also sense you are a woman of strong “principles”…I once shared fully your views…my twenties…:)

    I recall in my early thirties…the changes within me happened…and I once told a lady I admired…”The world needs people to stand for their principles…I just cannot afford do that at this time…” 🙂

    It’s a lot to share about my statement because it’s based on real experiences…

    These days, my reality is no longer black and white…I see a spectrum of colors…I feel comfort being within this spectrum…my potential feels overflowing of endless opportunities…

    Warm hugs,

  33.  #33SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

    I have missed you all. I read up a bunch on the last blog post, but there’s no way I have time to catch up on all.

    Lilybelle, I have attempted to friend you from LD’s FB page. Anyone else that is FB friends with LD, I would be happy to be yours as well.

    PG, that blog header portrait of yours ought to be the cover of a steamy romance novel. It’s freaking gorgeous. If you are at all interested in Feng Shui though, I would like to suggest you find or create a photo of a loving couple! for your blog. The solitary image (intensely beautiful as it is) maybe part of what is keeping you solitary.

    Jilly, Mel, Lucy, Mercedes, LP, LD, FW, so cool to read all of you. I know there are a bunch I am missing mentioning, but my brain is full at the moment.

    I had a great date with my sweetie yesterday. I’m getting better at feeling messages with him. I brought up three things that I have felt some stuffing with and I did it in feeling messages. I was completely open and authentic even though it scares me half to death, I did it anyway.

    His responses made me feel heard, reassured and totally comfortable. I get that we are just dating and it’s all a gamble, but I’m really feeling safe with him. He is a big flirt and ordinarily that would trigger massive feelings of jealousy within me. Somehow, I feel secure – completely – maybe because of his consistent treatment of me?

    I am grateful for learning these tools. I totally pick and choose what resonates for me. I get that cd-ing is about changing my energy to be more focused on creating my own happiness.

    One thing I have learned and is evident from the post above – men LOVE to help women. They feel compelled to rescue. They want to fix things and make us happy. I have been extremely fearful to be vulnerable enough to accept help. My last cd pointed it out to me. So I have begun forcing myself to admit when I feel like I need help and accepting it when they step up.

    This is massive progress for me. the other day after a big bunch of help he put his arms around me and asked if I was starting to feel any better? I rested my head on his chest and melted and thanked him. I can’t remember ever feeling anything more than indifference from my ex when I needed comfort. It’s a brand new feeling to feel cared for in such a comforting and loving way.

    Missing you all and hoping I have more time for visits.


  34.  #34Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

    RE 27 You might be right but this was someone I was sure was not the one. I was not physically attracted to him and was worried about leading him on. I had some good times with him and was aware that a mutual friend was trying to set us up. When we first connected my interest was getting him to reunite with his ex.

  35.  #35LD on April 18, 2011 at 8:40 am


    I cannot tell you how often I used to scour the posts looking for some hint that some other siren’s man wasn’t the same guy I was dating or used to date. It’s so freeing to relax and let it all go and trust that if you think the guy in front of you is the best guy in the world, that he might be your guy but if not then that just means there’s one like him only better out there for you!

    I was telling Summerbaby last night that I can’t imagine that I was so hung up on my ex for so long or even IntenseChemistryGuy now that I see so many qualities I like in HotArmyGuy that those guys did not have. Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!

  36.  #36Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 8:42 am

    DE My intuition also told me that he lacked integrity because of some things I experienced with him. He however wanted to show me that I was totally worth to be treated well and I eventually relaxed into that. But my mother kept warning me about him because his history with women is not good.

  37.  #37Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:44 am


    “Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!”

    This statement is soooo powerful!!! Awesome…I feel sooo happy and really inspired reading about your progress and successes…

    Thank you for continuing to share the beautiful things…cause we certainly need that as well here on the blog 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  38.  #38Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 8:45 am


    I will send you an email with my name on FB. You will find me that way. 🙂


  39.  #39LD on April 18, 2011 at 8:47 am


    Trust me, it is not all rainbows and kittens in my life. I have some bad days-REALLY bad days where the NVs SCREAM at me that I’m not worthy. I’ve waded through some really bad dates and had mini heartbreaks over some good ones that poofed on me. It’s hard work, but I feel stronger every day. Babysteps…

  40.  #40Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:50 am

    FW #36:

    You said “he lacked integrity”…Rori’s program about labeling others shocked me…when we say “he lacks integrity”…it actually means somewhere hidden inside of us “we lack integrity”…

    when we say “he is a manipulator”…somehow inside us we hide very well also being a “manipulator”…etc…

    Pre Rori’s programs, I used to justify, explain myself quite a bit…someone’s integrity was an issue to me as well…and yet, when we have an agenda – e.g., you said in prior post “When we first connected my interest was getting him to reunite with his ex” – it diminishes our integrity as well…

    Just an observation …

    Hope you take this at heart…:)

    Warm hugs,

  41.  #41KS on April 18, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I feel left out. I wanna be FB friends with ya’ll too!

  42.  #42Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 8:59 am


    Lol, I feel certain you have had your share of struggles, pain and dilemmas…

    This beautiful passage by Marianne Williamson deeply speaks to my heart:

    “~…when we are attacked, when the medicine is so bitter that it takes all our power not to crumble as we take it, what do we do then? Where is our solace? Someone once told me that the way peacock feathers are made is from peacocks eating thorns. What a beautiful image, that the harsh things we have to digest can contribute to our beauty.

    ~But not always. Only when open up enough to really take in the horror, oddly enough. Resistance and defense only make the error more real, and increase our pain.~”

    Warm hugs,

  43.  #43LD on April 18, 2011 at 8:59 am



    I’ll give you my FB link

  44.  #44SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 9:02 am

    LD, give KS mine too please!


  45.  #45Mercedes on April 18, 2011 at 9:04 am

    DE: “…”The world needs people to stand for their principles…I just cannot afford do that at this time…”

    I like that! I’ve always pretty much had the opposite view for myself (I was once told on a mission trip “you did not bring enough money to save Mexico” but that didn’t stop me from trying…mostly because I didn’t think money was what was needed to fix it anyway). But I so admire those who can and will pull back and put things in perspective. For me, I’m happy to be this way but that doesn’t stop me from admiring those who have great qualities in different ways than I do. If we were all the same, we would be bored. (or at least I would. LOL Gotta have someone to give me a challenge sometimes…and I gotta have someone to challenge).

    I just turned 40 and still do what I do. Maybe my changes will come in my 50s or 60s…but I hope not…I like me the way I am. 🙂 I just don’t always fit in on blogs like this one because of my core being and the ways in which it is different than what you generally will find in a group of women. I fit better on political blogs but they don’t talk about relationships there. *sigh* maybe I’ll find the perfect balance blog somewhere. LOL

    By the way, I can sense you appreciate the way I am too…and for that, I say “thank you!” People who understand what makes me who I am are generally the most accepting of me on this blog. I smile when I think of you. 🙂

    Much Love,

  46.  #46Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Mercedes :

    “By the way, I can sense you appreciate the way I am too…and for that, I say “thank you!”

    You are welcome 🙂 Yes, I do appreciate you and I also feel smiley…and I also have a problem with boredom…yet, not much of a debater these days…more of a feeler 🙂

    I am 38…pretty close in age 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  47.  #47Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 9:30 am

    35: LDNo Gravatar says:

    ……. It’s so freeing to relax and let it all go and trust that if you think the guy in front of you is the best guy in the world, that he might be your guy but if not then that just means there’s one like him only better out there for you!

    I was telling Summerbaby last night that I can’t imagine that I was so hung up on my ex for so long or even IntenseChemistryGuy now that I see so many qualities I like in HotArmyGuy that those guys did not have. Now I trust that if HotarmyGuy isn’t the one for me, the one who is will have the qualities I like in him but be even BETTER for me!!!!
    This is IT.. I feel it.. this is the lesson in trust…faith..hope.. that I’m needing to “get”..

    I was thinking of Rancherman this AM when I was working (I’m a quilter and he builds log furniture and is into photography on the side of ranching how UNUSUAL for a cowboy to be so creative too!)
    and how he’s so much of what I wanted …and blows EVERY one before him out of the water..

    All the ones I thought were so great I now see I was “settling” with..

    I try and tell myself to feel excited about what’s coming next if I couldn’t imagine there was anyone like RM the next one will make him feel like I was settling…I get this intellectually but it’s hard to believe.. ya know?

    How can better than you ever dreamed of get topped?

    I know, I know, it will… I’m preparing to be surprised… okay.. bracing for it now… I’m ready..lol… surprise me..


  48.  #48Daria on April 18, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Prairie girl – wow! You took that awesome picture at the top of your blog! Amazing!

  49.  #49Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I’m Lilybelle’s FB friend now so feel free to find me!

  50.  #50Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Thank you Daria!

  51.  #51Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 9:39 am

    OHHHH SummerBaby…. I do believe in Fung Sheui …I can’t spell it.. but I believe in it…

    I feel very attached to that picture on top of my blog… aaarrrrhhhh!!!! Really? You think it’s creating a negative thing?


  52.  #52Mel on April 18, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Stunning photos PG!

    I’m a prairie girl myself (western Canada) and really appreciate the peaceful beauty of the farm-scape.

    I’m out east now and miss it a great deal!

    I also LOVE to take nature/landscape photography and your work makes me feel warm and nostalgic. 🙂

  53.  #53Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Prairie Girl:

    Wow indeed 🙂 I conquer with Daria and Mel…I feel full of admiration for your talents 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  54.  #54Daria on April 18, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Thank you Daria for feeding me last evening.

    Thank you for showering me and brushing my teeth and hair.

    Thank you for giving me astragalus herb this morning.

    Thank you for vacuuming saturday.

    Thank you for doing EFT for me and ho’oponopono.

    Thank you for charging my phone.

    Thank you for waxing my legs. 🙂

    Thank you for taking me to the park yesterday.

    Thank you for sharing with mama.

    Thank you for picking wonderful flowers to honor mama for her name day.

    Thank you for giving me clean pjs to put on.

    Thank you for suggesting we go buy raw milk and other healthy food.

  55.  #55Daria on April 18, 2011 at 10:02 am

    To me, the photo is a goddess gathering her power. There is spirit and life on the brown plain. She’s looking out her window.. Intensely. The goddess is creating powerful magic that absorbs her focus for now. This makes sure she will bring rain.

    Depth and energy shifting Are her powers

    Her man is somewhere near, behind her…

    A goddess does her powerful work while he provides

  56.  #56Tulip on April 18, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Oh I feel triggered by this. If men love to help women and be the “knight”, why do they stop doing this in a relationship? This happened with my ex. He just went from fixing things for me and mending as a matter of course to not doing it even if I asked him to or saying that he would and just not ever getting round to it.

    I felt more saddened by that than any other thing at the time it was like I was not being looked after and protected. I was pretty self sufficient really but there were things I couldn’t do and couldn’t afford to pay someone to do… now I feel sad thinking about it.

  57.  #57Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 10:24 am

    55: Daria says:

    To me, the photo is a goddess gathering her power. There is spirit and life on the brown plain. She’s looking out her window.. Intensely. The goddess is creating powerful magic that absorbs her focus for now. This makes sure she will bring rain.

    Depth and energy shifting Are her powers

    Her man is somewhere near, behind her…

    A goddess does her powerful work while he provides

    Oh wow.. I got goose bumps reading that Daria… I love it…a LOT.. I’m gonna meditate on that.. if feels very powerful.. thank you..


  58.  #58Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Thank you DE & Mel!
    That feels so nice to hear! Hugs to you both!


  59.  #59Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Prairie Girl…I love that you’re into quilts/arts too. Quilts can tell a story yes? Feels really homey/authentic craft like! I looked for a contact you on your site to tell you how much I like it but now it’s being said here…yeah! I hope you do put a contact form on there too…

    and yes! to using all the artsy pix you’ve took.

    Happy how it all blends together, feels inspiring too!

  60.  #60Daria on April 18, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I feel some pain looking at the photo too… Perhaps the pain is cuddled… Slowly relaxed to unfurl, be washed and ointmented

  61.  #61Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Today feels like a breath of fresh air. Like a linnen scented spring breeze. Like a good day to feel powerful and DO – so I’m off. “Springing” into action…haha…

    and Tulip I agree and there’s more to be said along those lines, hope you get some good discussion!


  62.  #62Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 10:48 am

    About the photo – it looks like a form of what they call magical realism – and I think the point is she’s a pretty girly girl in a harsh landscape but because she is in the tree, she’s mastered it. It is evocative tho, and will speak to each of us differently more than likely…

    I was struck by the big nest -what’s in it??


  63.  #63Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 10:54 am

    RE 40 Well I said that because our mutual friend received a text from him that was meant for another woman during the period he was trying to convince me that I was the only one on his radar. The text was really explicit and for a male to share that with me because he himself was shocked about the info was something to pay attention to. That to me was not an arbitrary judgement. I understand where you are coming from thought and thank you because I do need to pay attention to those things.

  64.  #64SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 10:55 am


    I’m no expert on Feng Shui, just exploring it. The image IS incredibly powerful. I like Daria’s explanation of it.

    Would love to see more photos of yours… maybe explore the concept of two… doesn’t have to be two people.

    The last thing I wanna do is make you feel bad.


  65.  #65Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 11:01 am

    RE 56 Could it be possible that something happened causing him to start feeling obligated in some way? Reason I ask is because I have heard CCarter suggesting something about expectations causing things to kind of lose their novelty for men. If they do things because they want to, then we start asking about it when they don’t it seems it is kind of understood that now they don’t have a choice and that takes away the wind from their sails.

  66.  #66Mel on April 18, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Re: 56, 65

    Or… perhaps you are not/were not expressing enough appreciation towards him for doing these things?

    Men like to make us happy, but if they don’t get “points” for their efforts, it can make them a bit apathetic I think.

    I know that is something I’m working on right now. Saying thank you for the little things, but also telling him how what he did made a difference for me.

    Eg). “Thanks so much for fixing my desk! My posture feels so much better that I’m not hunched over my keyboard. It makes such a big difference!”

    “Thank you so much for cleaning out the porch! It feels so peaceful to come into the house and see everything so tidy and organized!”

  67.  #67Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 11:10 am

    RE 40 I did share with him though that I was curious about why they could not get along and was willing to help if I could so there was no hidden agenda, he knew. I spoke about it several times so he was clear that I wanted to see them reunited. It is something that I have also done in the past with other people when they are struggling in their relationships and I was actually proud of myself about it. I was not romantically interested in him and have been able to relax. He was the one man in recent times that I cried in front of. With him it was easy for me to be a siren with because of the lack of interest and investment. I am aware though that I lack integrity in certain areas and am working on that. For instance I get on my kids case to clean up after themselves and keep their rooms tidy but mine is never as tidy as it should be.

  68.  #68Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Yes Mel, yes yes yes.

  69.  #69Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 11:25 am


    I notice my energy draining out of me reading and/or thinking of what and why he or she might do…

    I finally get Rori strong suggestion to focus on my feelings …

    What he/she does and why…is no longer important to me…my boundaries will keep me protected…i have strong connection with my body and self…i intend to express them at all times…

    I thought about why J and I didn’t work out…it wasn’t about what he did or didn’t do…is about how I felt…

    I once answered…”I don’t respect him because what he did”…then, I realized I don’t respect him because I don’t respect myself…by allowing my own boundaries to be pushed and broken I did not respect myself…so, then I projected my anger/frustration towards him…

    I also thought about men who “stop” doing what they initially did…and how angry I felt…rejected, etc…and then, self honesty brought up how much I “changed” too…assuming to accommodate the relationship(s)…

    I feel suspicious of couples who “disappear” and become “loners”…I don’t believe there is joy in the relationship…I recall feeling embarrassed to be in his company in public…for different reasons (too much drinking, flirting, no sense of fashion, yep :(…yet, I didn’t express myself in a healthy way either…

    I fear unhealthy compromises…and “settling”…I intend to heal that fear…

  70.  #70Daria on April 18, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Darling Ella – wow I love your post! You sound so full of integrity and warm and soft !

  71.  #71Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 11:34 am


    Thank you…It feels soo good to have your encouragement 🙂 I feel very thankful for our talks 🙂

    Miss you 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  72.  #72mali on April 18, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Re: LD (43)
    I feel left out too! Would you mind if I added you on FB?

  73.  #73Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 11:52 am

    hey Sirens!

    but DE you sound awesome! i agree…when couples disappear from the universe it’s like “huh?” or when a girlfriend gets into a new relationship and all of a sudden she starts changing and becoming different..feels bad 🙁

    i had a relationship where i stopped seeing my family as much and that felt bad…

    anyway…hotpilot called yesterday to “catch up” since he worked and then we said good night and then he called later on (i felt surprised but happy to hear from him again) and he said

    HIM: well…i just got off the phone with my mom..and she REALLY liked you..she just kept saying all these nice things about you and she thinks you are so funny …and so i wanted to call and tell you that.

    ME:awwww…i like that…i really liked your mom too..i felt really good and comfortable around your mom 🙂

    yay 🙂

  74.  #74Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Lil…i still couldn’t find it even without the . 🙁 but i’m sure it’s great!! did you do a POF one? maybe i could find it on that…ill try again though 🙂

    my new form of CDing is nondatingCDing 🙂

    i’m still “CDing” my workout instructor (and i even introduced him and hotpilot whent we went on Friday lol) (i’ve had a crush on my instructor since i started but it was fine) and the guys that go there 🙂 it feels fun and flirty and i’ll have plenty of “CDing” once i start work…i will be the only female on my crew this year…i’ve always had at least one other girl…but that’s ok ..i feel good about it 🙂 i’m a boss now…what the???!!! lol

  75.  #75Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 12:02 pm


    Don’t they say whatever you do, do not give up on the online dating thingy?

    Would you keep reminding me of that, please? I feel frustrated and wanting to give up. lol 🙂

    I don’t get why you can’t see it. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

  76.  #76Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    summberbaby and mali..you can add me from LD 🙂

    k i’m off to run some errands…

    has anyone here tried the WEN haircare products?? i feel curious…i want to try them..i spent last winter in NC and the humidity on my hair was amazing…in Utah it’s so dry and my hair is not as awesome as it was in NC or Hawaii for that matter 🙂

  77.  #77Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Jilly #73:

    Wow…you and LD are the Stars these days 🙂 I love reading about it 🙂

    I feel glad to hear you felt a connection with his mom…they seem close to one another…that is a good thing for you too …a man that loves and respects his mother…

    Warm hugs,

  78.  #78SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    LD and I are talking on the phone right now and would just like to say that since we are all anonymous here, we would like to respect all of our privacy and not mention the blog on any of our FB posts.

    Cuz this is a safe haven for us to post some very personal stuff and we don’t want some of our FB friends and family to be able to track the blog down and make the connection.

    Hope everyone is on the same page with this.

    Summerbaby and LD (she’s on phone with me)

  79.  #79Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    oh and KS too and PG 🙂

  80.  #80Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Summerbaby i totally agree with that…i was feeling a little nervous about that whole part

  81.  #81Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Jilly I love reading your stories, I feel really happy for you.

  82.  #82Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm


    I totally feel u 🙂

    Sometimes I so wished I could just share it will all my girls…but gosh, i feel mistrustful…I already shared it with a few of them…and I feel weird about it…haven’t heard from them since…:( To the contrary, I feel ignored and avoided…:(

    I think, the blog alone can create confusion and many misinterpretations…to fully understand the dynamics and the topics, a view of at least one program along with the ebook is a must…of course, an open mind to something so new and different is a must have 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  83.  #83Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm


    Yes, as a matter of fact I got it as a gift for Christmas…

    I am using the deep moisturizing one…the fig – since I got pretty heavy natural curls…I really like it 🙂 It is also good for protecting your hair color.

    I have a few friends that swear by it 🙂 We’ll see 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  84.  #84Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 12:27 pm


    Completely agree!!!


  85.  #85SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    DE it’s so heartbreaking when sharing with a friend leads to miscommunication or no communication. Hugs to you. I hate the feeling of being ignored.

    I’ve had a couple people here that I posted directly to that never replied. I’m unsure if I am projecting being ignored or if they really just don’t care for my style of communication or just plain don’t like me. I’ve got big issues with rejection, so I just try to let the feelings pass through me, because if someone doesn’t like you, there really isn’t anything more to do. I guess I just want everyone to like me and the truth is not everyone will.

    Anyway, please tell me more about this hair product like where you find it?


  86.  #86mali on April 18, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Summerbaby: I completely understand 🙂

  87.  #87Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 12:37 pm


    Well, I feel it was a mistake to share with two of them whom I work with…

    I noticed when I feel very excited about something…I want everyone I care about to know about it as well…yet, timing is not the same for everyone…

    That famous statement…”You can’t handle the truth!!!” really speaks to me when I think of some people in my life…

    So, I am now learning to pace my enthusiasm…and use wisdom about sharing certain information…

    Here is the site:


    Warm hugs,

  88.  #88Scarlet on April 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I used to have huge issues whenever any of my past boyfriends were still friends with their exes. But for me it was hard to separate whether or not I was the one that needed to work on my jealousy or if the guy was actually doing something wrong by hanging out or talking to an ex. Whenever I brought up the fact that it made me uncomfortable, the guy would just tell me that I was being too irrational because there was nothing going on between him and the ex. Since then I decided that I need to work on my jealousy rather than trying to control the guy and tell him what to do. I know it all stems from not feeling good enough and the fear that the guy can easily leave you. Rori’s programs and reading the blog have helped me tremendously but I know I still have a lot of work to do. Thankfully the guy I’m dating now never talks about his exes and says he never stays friends with an ex so I don’t have a problem there. I guess my question is, how can you tell whether you’re being too irrational and too demanding of the guy because of your own inner conflicts or whether the guy is trully doing something “wrong”?

  89.  #89Annie on April 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Hey rori!

    You have been an amazing eye opener into
    My life….. Thank you SO much.

    I wanted your thoughts on this:

    So, this post about the girl and her boyfriends ex
    Are really similar to what I just experienced. Only
    I cut him completely off, feeling as though he was toxic
    But I really wasn’t sure.
    He too, was in touch and texting the ex wife often. Our
    Story was he WAS persueing me, and was awesome
    At it! Gifts, compliments, always calling, coming over
    Helped me with my 3 yr old ( totally taking on a dad role)
    And then after 1 month we took a weekend trip, had an argument about something very trivial. Next day he said he wanted to just be friends.
    I said, that was not what I was looking for and that it was
    Not what I wanted. I backed way off. I never ” rowed the boat” before or after the break up…. He still called and called and wanted to get together.
    So confused for months after…… Finally realized he’s still in
    Love with his ex and I didn’t have a prayer with him until he
    Stopped those feelings for her.
    So last week I told him I wasn’t looking for a freind
    And that I would miss talking and being with him but that it was worth it to me in order to focus on myself my child and my future relationship.
    Well, he was livid and sent me nasty unkind emails. Calling me dramatic and silly and told me to even grow up !!!!!
    I have to admit, I feel empowered and strong and I don’t miss him, but do wonder if I made the right choice… All this time I’ve been dating online too.
    Is there a chance I did that wrong?
    Oh yah, we both decided to wait till we were married for sex. Bur we have major chemistry in the bedroom ….

  90.  #90Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Re: the article. I agree with the direction Rori took it. Last wk my therapist said she thinks the reason TNman keeps coming back around to me is bc my vulnerability and softness make him feel needed and heroic. But he’s not quite emotionally available enough to “be there completely” for a fem energy woman even tho he is attracted to tht and loves me. So he is with someone who is more “cool” and “tough,” and it “works” – but he is still drawn to me, the vulnerable, teasable one he can teach and comfort.

  91.  #91Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    ok real fast before i go… 🙂

    Lilybelle…k ill keep on ya about it 😉 do at least 2 sites to keep things flowing…we need movement lol

    DE and FP…thank you so much…it feels really good to be heard…i love sharing on here

    FP…it was making me smile when i read you were trying to help him get back together with his ex….you are such a good friend and supporter on and off the blog… 🙂

    DE..i’m the same way…if something is working for me and i feel super excited about it i want to tell the WORLD! and not everyone is interested 🙁 oh well 🙂

    k i ordered the WEN stuff…i can’t wait for it to get here!!

    Scarlet…welcome 🙂 i would communicate with my man about and if he didn’t try and make me feel better about it…or actually made me feel worse (red flag) then i would get deep into my feelings and see what my intuition was saying

    Annie…welcome :)…sounds like you did what you needed to do..totally rockstar… 🙂
    it feels good to read that you had/have boundaries with him..yay 🙂

  92.  #92SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    DE, at one of my jobs recently I discovered that two of the women I work with are not happy with me. They have both been going to the manager with little tales about me and drama designed to get me in trouble for a very low paying job where the majority of the income is based on tips.

    Some of the stuff they are griping about has gone unnoticed for 2 years. The only thing I can think of for this sudden change in climate is that they routinely try to engage me in gossip. It is not my nature to gossip. I don’t care to be part of it.

    I tend to be overly blessed or cursed with empathy so I feel for all parties where the gossip is concerned. I also tend to think if they are talking that vehemently about so and so in my presence, then what are they saying about me when I am not there?

    I have enjoyed working there for the most part, but at some point when it starts to get petty it ceases to be fun. It’s also pretty weird when they go to the management when they could just as easily say something to me about how whatever it is I’m doing is bothering them.

    In some cases the issues are invented. Oh well. Guess I’ll be open to this or something better! If it works for being open to men, why not employment?


  93.  #93Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    one more..

    Summerbaby..i feel bad too if someone doesn’t respond to me and i try not to take it personal…i love everyone and want everyone to love me lol not totally realistic but that’s ok 🙂

    so if i ever don’t respond to a post it’s because i havent seen it 🙂

  94.  #94Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Scarlet #88:

    I relate to your confusions…I often felt the same way…

    To separate between the two I ask myself:

    What do I think of myself?
    Do I really accept everything about myself?

    If I don’t, it means there are areas to be nurtured/accepted/healed first…For example, some women wished they had a perfect body figure…or hair…or smile…At times, they feel triggered by other woman’s beauty and personality…and secretly they wished they had that too…

    So, we take each area, we acknowledge the “defect” or part we reject about our-self…baby it…give it a hug…talk to it…tell it you love it and accept anyway…Tapping is great on this 🙂

    Once I deal with my own triggers…then I began to notice…and when these feelings come up/are still triggered again in an interaction with someone by what he/she did or say…i immediately:

    Ask myself – is this a boundary issue? – i feel disrespected, uncomfortable, icky, unheard…

    Follow my feelings…yes, I confirm my feelings…i feel indeed disrespected…etc…

    Choose my words…make it about me…he/she has the right to say and do whatever…but SO DO I…

    I really feel power in statements like : I don’t like, I don’t want…etc…I love Daria’s feeling messages…often used very efficient to set boundaries as well…:)

    Warm hugs,

  95.  #95Daria on April 18, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Here’s some stuff i felt interested in from Lance Mason – male pick up artist’s e-letter

    “__QUESTION__ Hey Lance, Hey man your stuff works great, I havetripled my success with women over the pastfew months just from reading yournewsletters. But I have one question. Sometimes I will betalking to girls, half the time not eventrying to pick them up, and they will say I’ma player, even if I just met them haha. It’s also really hard to tell if they aresaying it in a teasing way or not. When Italk to girls though I don’t tell them what Ido with other women, and I definitely don’tbrag or anything, but they will just tell methey get the player vibe from me… it’sweird. Now being thought of as a player might be okwith some guys but thats not really what Iwant girls to think of me as, if you couldtell me how not to give off the player vibebut still show confidence and what not, thatwould be great
    thank you Strat

    __MY COMMENTS__ Hey Strat, Congratulations on your newfound success. Ihope your letter inspires other guys to justget out and put into practice what I write.I don’t do this just to exercise my typingfingers. And because you are getting out, you hit oneof the first problems guys run into. Beinglabeled a player. This is actually a success milestone inlearning these skills. When a woman calls you a player, it means oneof two things…

    1. She’s testing you to see if you are forreal (attraction)

    2. She doesn’t FEEL a connection with you,she likes you, and doesn’t want to be a notchon your bedpost. (rapport)

    If you are still building attraction and agirls says this… cool, that means “it’s on”and she wants to play. Banter with her. DoNOT get logical or defensive. If you doyou’ll blow it.

    If you know a girl is already attracted (usethe hand test), and you’ve been talking toher awhile when she calls you a player… sheis saying “hey I want to get to know you on adeeper level”. It’s time to share some of your life with herso she can CONNECT with you.

    Do this, andshe’ll be able to give herself permission tosleep with you. Keep up the good work, you are on the path tothe kind of life most guys will only dreamabout.

    __QUESTION__ Hi Lance, I am on the brink of a relationship and Iactually don’t mind having a singlerelationship because I really like this girl.Is it normal to lose some desire to go outand socialize with girls? Because the otherside of me wants to keep developing my skillsthat got me to where I am but at the sametime maybe this girl I’m seeing is reducingmy desire. What should I do? Thanks, Jeremy Melbourne, Australia

    __MY COMMENTS__ Hi Jeremy, The words we use can say a lot. Like “brinkof a relationship” Here’s a definition of brink: 1. the edge or margin of a steep place orof land bordering water. 2. any extreme edge; verge. 3. a crucial or critical point, esp. of asituation or state beyond which success orcatastrophe occurs: We were on the brink ofwar.

    Not a very uplifting way to describe startinga relationship is it? Then you said, “the other side of me wants tokeep developing my skills” Now I haven’t met you, but I’d say it’s asafe bet you do NOT really want to be in thisrelationship, and it’s causing you conflict. So before you jump off the edge here’ssomething to ponder…

    There is no rule that says being in arelationship means you don’t flirt and datewith other women. It’s some sort of myth we all buy into, whenthe truth is, YOU define each relationshipwith a woman. You can date a woman for a long time withoutbeing exclusive and monogamous, as long asyou never agree to be exclusive and you setup the relationship that way. So you can be in a relationship with thiswomen AND continue to refine your skills.

    Isuggest you date her and a few other girlsfor awhile. In fact I recommend it as a wayto learn how to make relationships work. But I would really get clear in your head ifyou want to be with this women first.

    Thendecide what you want the relationship to looklike. Women will respond to how you set the patternof the relationship. The choice is yours. Good luck! Okay, that’s it for now – I hope you’velearned something. More importantly, I hope you USE IT. Cheers,Lance Mason”

  96.  #96SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 1:19 pm


    I also tried not to take it personal, but after the third post to the same person and others were replied to but mine not, I started to doubt myself.

    I still have no real evidence of someone saying, don’t talk to me, but it didn’t feel good. I could just be really insecure about this and I would be happy to learn I was wrong in this instance.

    I’m glad all of us that are adding FB are on the same page.

  97.  #97turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Hi sirens…

    This article resonates with me, but I’m the ex. My ex still helps me a lot financially, he says it’s for the girls, but it helps me too obviously. For example, I need a new dryer, so he’s buying me one. I didn’t ask for one, he just knows I need one, and instead of wanting me to get it fixed (it’s OLD), he is getting me a new one. He makes about triple what I do… so if he wants to help, I’m not turing it down. 🙂 He’s still flirty and attentive, and I know it sounds crazy, but it works for us. When we can keep things light and playful, we get along so much better. He keeps his hands to himself when I’m dating someone for the most part, but not otherwise. The bad part is that HE is engaged. She doesn’t like it that he texts me so much, and I heard this from family, and I don’t blame her. The thing is though, there has been a lot more than texting that she could be upset about, but I haven’t said anything. Not my place and she wouldn’t believe me.

    My gut instinct is that they are breaking up. He’s deploying again, and she didn’t come up this weekend, nor will be up next weekend over Easter when he’s home again. He lives in upstate NY and she lives in DC. He doesn’t talk about her, asked about taking the girls on vacation again before he goes, and I asked if Jen was going and he said probably not. My girls like her, but have repeatedly said they liked it better when she was just his girlfriend, don’t want them to get married, have kids, etc. She seems like a nice girl, but I haven’t spent that much time with her. I liked her better when my girls were happy having her around. His family doesn’t think they should get married, and tell me about it, like I can do anything!

    I guess my point is, if your gut instinct is telling you there is something going on between him and the ex, don’t dismiss it. We have a lot of history, hard to let all that go. We had a very passionate relationship, and he likes to remind me of that. As if it’s ok, because he’s not married yet. He steps WAY over the boundry.

  98.  #98Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Daria #95:

    Wow…I never read man dating blogs…thank u for sharing…interesting…

    Somehow I feel relieved…:) It feels like I am finally catching up to a world of men allowed and encouraged by society to flirt, be uncommitted, etc…:)

    No wonder they would like Rori’s Circular Dating concept undermined…hmm…we are beating them at their own game…but we use our hearts instead …:) 10 times more powerful ~”Our hearts are the emotional centers of our bodies, and they put out frequencies that are 10 times the power of the frequencies of our brains.~”

    Warm hugs,

  99.  #99turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Summerbaby RE:78, I completely agree. I have used my real name here, my picture is up, wouldn’t want people from FB to come here and find my posts. Look at the example above, yikes!!!

    Sorry you felt ignored. I hope it wasn’t me. 🙁 Sometimes I scan over the posts because there are so many to catch up on.

  100.  #100Daria on April 18, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    noticing i feel scared when people talk about others not responding

    is it me? i feel afraid of being judged,

    i know i don’t respond sometimes, if something triggers me and i don’t want to talk at that point, or if i feel overwhelmed…

    i feel resentful… when i think … “people don’t usually respond to my posts either, or help me when it would feel nice to have help”

    (i wonder what this resentment is about? i’d like to heal this)

    and i often find the help for myself in aha moments of reading others’ or letting my intuition speak

    i don’t look for responses to my posts. i use the silence as response that i will soon be finding my own answer magically, and maybe not in the avenue i was attached to receiving it

    i feel triggered and angry hearing others make judgements about why their posts aren’t answered… grrr… this means i do this too… aha…

    very helpful.. i’d like to heal this trigger now.. thank you

    i feel afraid of being controlled – OBLIGATED to answer someone … this is a pattern in my family

    i do NOT have to answer questions i’m asked

    i choose what words to share of myself

    i feel afraid

    i feel afraid of being alone, of not being liked

    i love me and i have my back

  101.  #101turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Summerbaby, sorry to hear about your work drama, I didn’t realize how much men gossip until my job I have now. I work for a contracting company, and it’s almost all men, just me and one other woman, but there is so much gossip and drama! I hope it passes soon for you or you find a new job you feel positive about 🙂

  102.  #102SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Daria, I like you and I like your posts. I don’t respond to all of them cuz sometimes you’re riffing and it doesn’t seem to need a response.

    I didn’t think I was being judgmental, in fact I said I would like to be wrong about this. I know it’s my stuff and not everyone has time or energy to answer all the posts even ones directed at them.

    I feel sorry I brought it up if it’s an issue that’s going to bother everyone or everyone is going to think it’s them.


  103.  #103Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Summerbaby – or anyone – if you addressed me and I didn’t respond I either missed it or was unable to write (when threads get too long I can’t write) and could’ve forgotten about it later. I am not purposely ignoring anyone. <3 Lucy

  104.  #104turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Lucy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ignore anyone on here 🙂

    It’s ok Summerbaby, don’t worry. It’s good to post about how you feel. What we are here to do!

  105.  #105Daria on April 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    summerbaby – i like you too…

    this feels a bit weird… [if theres something to be “wrong” about, theres a judgement involved – my masculine thought]

    and i feel uncomfortable reading that you’re sorry you brought this up

    i don’t feel safe when someone apologizes for sharing how they felt

    i feel scared that i will push them away when i express my feelings

    or that they won’t be able to hear and honor MY feelings when i’m not feeling happy

  106.  #106SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm


    thank you for your replies. I really liked your perspective of being the ex that is being texted. It sounds more like he’s texting you and initiating than the other way around.

    Also with children, it’s kind of inevitable that you are going to be in each other’s lives. You are one of my preferred colors, btw. 😉

    Jilly nice to have you on FB now. Mali, look forward to adding you soon, too.

    I’m kinda sorry I brought up the no response feeling ignored/rejected post. I don’t want to be the cause of anyone feeling bad or being triggered.


  107.  #107SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    wow, I actually feel a lump in my throat over this. okay, more than one said go ahead and express my feelings.

    I want to heal this. I think I will go try some EFT on feeling rejected/ignored and then turning other people’s triggers into judgment about me. Summerbaby, you don’t have to believe everything you think!

    thanks for being there for me.


  108.  #108turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    What does EFT mean anyways? I see it written all the time…lol.

    Thanks Summerbaby 🙂 You are my favorite time of year 🙂

    Yeah, leaving work a whole 5 min. early, and I love it!!!

    Oh and yes, he initiates, sometimes I’ll give him a hug, but that is as much as I initiate.

  109.  #109Daria on April 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Summerbaby – i feel afraid to share this… im feeling triggered.

    it feels weird to think that you have some control over how I feel …

    as in your sharing your truth and feelings would make me feel bad or good…

    i believe that i cannot REALLY control how others feel

    but i feel “punished” in a way for speaking up, when i hear you say you are sorry… “punished” as in i feel lonely and afraid and clingy… and i feel like running after you and saying please don’t go, don’t move away from me…

    my mirror is i guess that’s how you feel about having said the original…

    this trigger feels weird

    i feel so uncomfortable to talk about how i feel in this situation i can barely “touch” it

    i feel vague, confused… i feel anger… i feel like blaming YOU and judging YOU

    and i know this means for me that this is a deep trigger that has nothing much to do with you but very much to do with me and a pattern of relating i hold

    maybe even from before i had words (the vagueness)

    i love my feelings

    and that feels like

    a big breath

  110.  #110Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    59: Jacqueline says:

    Prairie Girl…I love that you’re into quilts/arts too. Quilts can tell a story yes? Feels really homey/authentic craft like! I looked for a contact you on your site to tell you how much I like it but now it’s being said here…yeah! I hope you do put a contact form on there too…

    and yes! to using all the artsy pix you’ve took.

    Happy how it all blends together, feels inspiring too
    Thank you Jacqueline!
    I guess I haven’t put any contact info there since I get notices of any comments made..
    Here’s my email….

  111.  #111Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    64: SummerBaby
    Oh you didn’t make me feel bad!!!!!! Not at all! And I love the idea of finding “twos”… I’m peculating on that as I speak…
    Thank you!

  112.  #112Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm


    I too feel uncomfortable when someone is apologetic about their feelings…:( I wonder if they wished I would be apologetic about some of the things I say sometimes…However, I noticed it feels good as in powerful when someone owns the good and the bad of what they share…

    You said “I guess I just want everyone to like me and the truth is not everyone will.”…Self-acceptance is very important…as long as I feel the need to belong to a group…I loose my sense of self…

    I feel resistant to this notion…weird…as I type this I realize…I like the statement…”I stand alone”…because it gives me a sense of feeling brave and powerful…hmm…maybe there is something for me to look into…:)

    Warm hugs,

  113.  #113Jilly on April 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    ok i haven’t left yet…i have just been preparing yummy healthy food for the week..

    thank you Jilly for eating red, orange and yellow bell peppers instead of chips 🙂 (even though i dipped in Ranch dressing 🙂

    i love my blog name and calling myself by my blog name…it feels fun lol

    Daria…Brilliant post…109 felt super authentic and deep

    Summerbaby i felt sad when i saw you felt sorry for posting..
    anywho i thought you meant when you posted to a specific person and opologized if that specific person was me 🙂 this is the universe of Jilly obviously 😉

    C…i’ll start calling you Turquoise on here if that feels better to you? :)…from your post above… that’s what i thought about hotpilot…what if he read all i posted about our sex!! that would get crazy!! yikes for me too 🙂

  114.  #114Simply Shannon on April 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Camille, What are your boundaries with your ex? If he’s engaged, is he off limits? Something is bothering me about this.

    Hmmm… where am I wishy-washy about my boundaries with my ex? That totally jumped out at me. Why?

    He’s married now. He’s off limits. I am going to CD him (aka interaction only) but I don’t want to cross any physical barriers.

    Ok, this is weird. I feel turned on. What the hell…

    Haha. Man I can no longer have = man who turns me on. T’is jacked up. Just sayin.

  115.  #115Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Turquoise – EFT is emotional freedom technique which is based on rapid eye movement therapy originally called /Thought Field Therapy. Lots of videos on youtube and a man I interviewed about it has a site called EFT down under. My original blog partner was Australian and she got a huge healing/help out of using it. Daria’s to some great links too.

    Weird how the conversation is mirroring my thoughts today….

    Prairie Girl I found you!!! get along, get along…the reason I mentioned it is there’s this blog grader thing at hubspot and you get a higher grade if you have a contact form – don’t know how into it you want to get.

    I love my blog for my hobby, once I started thinking of it like that, it felt way more joyful and fun and I attracted lots of guests posters and free stuff.

    Very cool!


  116.  #116mali on April 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Summerbaby Re:92

    I felt for you when reading this. *hugs*
    I also have a deep empathy for people. When I get upset with a person, I can’t remain upset for too long, and any sign of vulnerability on their part would immediately banish any ill feelings I had towards them.

    I work part time at a fast food restaurant while I’m studying part time at college, and as I know I’ll leave my job this coming September once I’m at university (and money is coming in from my loan), I don’t bother getting too involved with my job. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel upset when I’m not treated with the respect I deserve. I become upset and sad, I feel unappreciated when people shout at me because of long queues. I feel trapped, because I’m in a job which I know is beneath me. And I come home sometimes with such a bad vibe… but it soon evaporates.
    And then there’s the fact that many of the men who work there, like me. Too bad I don’t like them!
    I soon forget about the troubles, however I know it must be a lot more difficult for you. Have you spoken to the management team about your issues and concerns? It feels strange, considering having to do something that would be classed as “masculine” so you can feel better…
    And your feelings are your feelings- you don’t need to rationalise or understand them to give them more validity <3 I tend to do that myself and try to stop myself. Ultimately, this is how I feel, and I have no control over it. I too feel sad when my posts aren't replied to.

  117.  #117Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    TULIP – I hope you’re still here? I promised you a discussion. For me, I’ve found this happens sometimes 6 years into a relationship sometimes 3 months sometimes….well it happens.

    And it usually signals the beginning of the end.

    When a man is into you, he’s trying to make you happy – for them, it usually translates into DOING something for you –

    And my guy’s still doing this so I feel confident he’s involved and invested…

    but there’s some kind of switch that when they feel they’ve given you their best shot – and it might be a very lame best shot – and you haven’t accepted it, you haven’t become “happy”….at some point they just quit. give up. I used to think they’d just keep trying, but experience has proven differently….

    and it’s also shown me that the quit button is not like when they’ve done what I’ve asked – like don’t be late, or call at such and such time – the quit button is just unique to a man.

    Maybe he measures you at the very start and figures out exactly how much he’ll do to keep you and then…quit?

    or maybe he tries and tries and fails and fails…and then…quit.

    I don’t know what the trigger is, but I do know it happens.

    And I’ve seen plenty of guys who are more likely to be knights in shining armour to complete strangers than they are to their supposed beloved.

    The trick is to keep them trying? or to notice when they stop?

    Hope you’re still around!


  118.  #118KS on April 18, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Soooooo true. Never thought about this but reading it was so eye opening. WOW. Thanks. 🙂

  119.  #119Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Jacqueline! I got it!
    You know.. I really just write my blog as a travel log of my journey and have been really kinda private about who I even give the address too…

    I don’t mind strangers reading it, but don’t really want everyone who knows me like my ex-hub and his family.. the one who broke my heart and reason I started it.. his other woman.. his daughter who has me listed as her sister on FB.. teenagers in my life I have to “boss” around, reading it. Does that make sense?

    So I haven’t been too eager to have more people find it.. but maybe that’s not the right attitude to have…

    It felt better than writing in a journal because I have this desire to find an answer… heal.. get better because I know that someone else might read it.. I didn’t have that when I just wrote in a journal..

    Angels on your body..

  120.  #120Jacqueline on April 18, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    KS – I’m your friend on FB!!! and just yesterday showed my guy your pix and said isn’t she swoon….beautiful?! xoxo

    PG – yeah, I had to ban my guy from reading mine – I think Rori bans her husband too?….smile

    and OMGOSH OMGOSH…some friend of a friend in Australia just posted a pix of fantasy art of Supernatural boys…I’ve got to make THAT my screensaver quick!!! Wow, oh wow…now if they would only do Castiel…be still my beating heart….rofl…

    Everyone have a good one!

  121.  #121Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    “And I’ve seen plenty of guys who are more likely to be knights in shining armour to complete strangers than they are to their supposed beloved.” (J)

    My marriage in a nutshell.

  122.  #122Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    But I have to say, now that we’re not married, he’s become more of a knight to me. Lol.

  123.  #123kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I have no problem crying in front of a man. But I like this ‘I feel stuck here. I don’t know what to do.’ I could’ve used that in soooo many situations with men.

  124.  #124Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Kaitlyn, “I don’t know what to do” has been going over Very well with my ex-h, especially as we negotiate our divorce!

    Did you see my note to you about a guy I know who you might like?

  125.  #125Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    I felt smiley seeing a new photo on fb that WH was tagged in, just came through my news feed (no stalking!) I still feel very attracted to him, but I did notice his face is getting a little chubby, and I feel curious about why.

    I looked at something else on fb, then back to my news feed — and the pic was Gone! Lol. I’m guessing maybe he saw it and didn’t like his chubby face broadcasted on fb (it was him out with 2 guy friends; posted by friend).

    Just sharing this bc it felt fun and interesting to me… I am aware that it means nothing in the grand scheme of everything.

  126.  #126Angel Lady on April 18, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Oh my gosh. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face and just wanted to share a brilliant moment of breakthrough with you wonderful women.

    I “get it”. I can see now that I haven’t every trusted a man or anyone because I haven’t been trusting myself. I really haven’t been taking care of myself. I have set boundaries for years but never held them. I would cave when the arguments got long enough or loud enough. I have SO taught people how to control me and I have allowed it. It isn’t their FAULT and it isn’t my FAULT. It just has been the way it has been.

    In REALLY letting go of controlling him and controlling the outcome I have gotten so confused. And in staying up in my head, i have been buying the confusing stories I have been spinning there.

    In all this practicing of getting out of my head and into my feelings, I can finally FEEL the nervous butterflies and feeling of wanting to throw up when I have MET MY OWN boundary limit. HOLY MOLY. THERE IT IS! That’s my boundary limit. Now the choice is choose YOU or ME. Not try and MAKE you honor it.

    Wow. Thank you Rory for your tools. Thank you ME for not fully understanding them and still TRUSTING in the process and practicing.

    I intend to continue to honor me and my boundaries.

    I intend to feel good.

    I intend to have a relationship that makes me feel good.

    I intend to love and take care of myself always.

    I intend to take responsibility for my own happiness and stop blaming when I am unhappy on others.

    Thank you for listening. I feel good. I feel bliss. I feel scared too. And it’s good.

    I am in love with this moment.

  127.  #127Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Angel Lady #126:

    Wow…I feel happy to be a part of your intense, happy experience…:) I’ve experienced many Eureka moments myself as well here on the blog 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  128.  #128tinque on April 18, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    beautiful Angel Lady…


  129.  #129AMAZINGME on April 18, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    @126, Yes I agree congrats I know that feeling, Like you finally understand yourself now…The “aha” moment 🙂 I am glad you shared makes me smile..

  130.  #130Daria on April 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Angel lady – thank you for sharing.

    i feel inspired by the nervous butterflies and feeling of wanting to throw up that you mention … i will be more able to notice these and then realize – boundary limit

    thank you

  131.  #131Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Angel Lady, I feel smiley and excited reading that. I am at a similar place. My difficulty is in knowing what to do when my boundaries aren’t respected – basically, knowing when and how to “walk away” and having the strength to do it. Thanks for sharing your insights. <3

  132.  #132Lost Lover on April 18, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    I need help horribly, I am deeply in love with my best friend and I am doing every possible thing wrong, I think of them day and night, they control my thoughts, my actions, even my friends! The worst part of it is that I wouldn’t mind being controlled if we were actually dating but they are fooling around with their ex and not spending any time on me at all! I don’t know what to do anymore I have gone a total of three days without talking to this person and it is killing me inside. All of my friends are worried about me because they took their ex to senior prom and I wound up in a mental ward on the night of prom for attempted suicide. I know I must seem like a kid with a lot to learn about love but I know love… and I am desperately in love and have no idea how to make them love me back or at least give me the compassion I deserve. Controlling my life while keeping me in the friend zone is just wrong!

  133.  #133Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Aw,(((HUGS))) Lost Lover. <3 Lucy

  134.  #134Angel Lady on April 18, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Wow. thank you all for acknowledging and responding to me. I understand even more now why I am compelled to be here and share myself. Makes me feel so good!

    Also some insight for me on what compells men to want to be around and share… hmmm…

    Lucy – I hear you on that. That’s my next step too. lol. what is coming to me is that I just get to keep standing for ME. Don’t EXPECT someone else to respect my boundaries if I keep moving them. Set them and keep them is what I need to do and let the chips fall where they may. I think this is the letting go of the outcome thing. That’s what I am seeing right now. It feel so damn scary. I think that’s why I have spent so much time mad and trying to control others and how they treat me. To keep these crazy and huge feelings at bay. Then I can blame them instead of me.

    I am finding too that I am always trying to control by deciding if and when to ‘walk away’ as well. Maybe that’s not entirely up to me as much as I think. If I just keep taking care of me like I see it right now. People will come and go on their own accord based on if they are FITTING in my life or not.

    Feels weird to look at it like that for me. Sooo out of control… But I am going to sit with it and try it for the week and see how it goes.

  135.  #135kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm


    Yes, and thank you. But I live on the other side of the country from him, which would be an imaginary relationship. He sounds like my type, but that’s not all I look for. My main thing is the guy has to be whip smart brilliant. Usually with the paper to back it up cuz I’m snotty like that :smirk: And glad to know what RR suggested has been going over well with your husband.

  136.  #136kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 4:24 pm


    I wouldn’t mind having this problem right now. Beats being single and lonely.

  137.  #137AMAZINGME on April 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Lost Lover….A man can only control what you let him, anyone can only control what you let them. My advice take ccare of yourself, control you, stick to boundries, as long as your true to yourself being happy is far easier then trying to control anyone else..

  138.  #138Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Last summer my dad started arguing with me on the beach. I told him I don’t want to argue. He kept at it, so I repeated my don’t want and said it feels bad. He kept at it. After a couple more times, I told him I love and respect him, but am walking away bc I don’t want to argue. So I walked down the beach. Later, my sister said to me “thanks a lot!” (sarcastically) – “when you left, dad came over to me, arguing, and I had no idea what he was talking about! but he just kept arguing.” Lol. Poor dad.

  139.  #139Angel Lady on April 18, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Lost Lover – sending over a big warm, loving hug.. I feel compassion and so much empathy for you right now. You are not alone. Your feelings matter!!! You deserve how you want to be loved. You may not get it from where you want it right now, but you will find it. IN YOU.

  140.  #140kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I’m wearing Tory Burch flats and a t-shirt with a picture of a guy shooting up, and I got asked on a date because of it 5 mins ago. Interesting.

  141.  #141Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    If I didn’t want to hide the profiles and stop dating online before, what happened this afternoon sure makes me want to.

    Read this:


    Yes, I have been targeted as desperate.

  142.  #142Lost Lover on April 18, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Thank you and well… I didn’t exactly want to say this for fear of not being understood but I am male… I apologize for not specifying that but it has always been difficult for me because I have always been the “girl” figure, always controlled and manipulated, and I hate men altogether because of repressed issues with an abusive father. I want nothing more than to be that knight in shining armor for her not just as a friend or because I think she is needy but also because I have loved her since the day I met her, everyone knew it. We spent every day together and for months all of her friends loved me because I am the polar opposite of her ex. He broke up with her many times over the ultimate high school problem, he wanted sex. She even broke down and let him about 6 months before we met and after that happened they broke up because she cried the entire time and was a wreck and he wanted more (of course once will never be enough for someone like him) and he did go and find it elsewhere when they broke up. Side note, he covered it up and lied to her numerous times and each time HIS friends blew his cover to protect her she didn’t believe them. And now I suffered PTSD and a lot of suppressed pain came up unfortunately together with me coming out and telling her how I felt as well as her ex nearly beating her over it. 3 months down the road… here I am, still in the friend zone, she is upset when I say she is killing me inside, she is upset when I find comfort in other friends because she refuses to, and she is also reentering the relationship with him. The most recent event was prom and my trip to the hospital, I returned to school and kept excellent control and was feeling good about not needing her, and took that control as proof I could handle being her friend and being better than her ex, and it worked well, until I found out she lied to me and had plans with him, which again forced me into a hurt and angry state. It has been 3 days since we talked because she ended the conversation making cuts about my pain and my friends as well as adding in that she didn’t care what I thought of him. So she disregards me as a friend now and I came here in desperation to find some way to at least be happy without her and hopefully someday reach a point where she will open up to me instead of me pouring my heart out on deaf ears. My internal strength is nonexistent. I have become helpless and attached, and she never even gave me a chance. I have felt for months that I am the emotional one and have fervently attempted to find ways to get her to trust me or open up in some way, all I want is to have a deep loving conversation with her that doesn’t end in her trying to get that sex-crazed control freak to be more like me. I’M RIGHT HERE AND WOULD LOVE HER MORE THAN HE COMPREHENDS!!! :'(

  143.  #143Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Augh! If I didn’t want to hide my profiles and stop online dating before, this afternoon has made me want to.

    I have been targeted by some scammers. Hot dude with an exceptionally well written profile, IM’s me and we end up on yahoo chatting. He is cutting and pasting all of this stuff into his IM’s to me and I get suspicious. His profile says he is widowed (they always do when they are scamming) and so I do a search about this type of thing.

    Turns out they target women “my age” who are looking for a long term relationship and are what they perceive to be “desperate”. Please.

    I pasted the link about it into the chat and he asked me what that meant. LOL. OH and he is from Germany and has lived in the states since he was 19.

    I haven’t left the chat yet and he/she is still pasting stuff in there.

    I feel disgusted.

    And pist off.

    And have lost my spice for right now.

  144.  #144Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Lost Lover suicide is never the answer. I have seen in the past where Rori have encouraged people to get professional help when they make such comments. Know that you are loved, you are love and the universe loves you abundantly. Please take care of yourself, tell yourself you love and please seek help as soon as possible.

  145.  #145Scarlett on April 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Re #94

    Darling Ella, thank you. It really hit home with what you said about being triggered by another woman’s beauty and secretly wishing that I had it too. I think that was a huge reason for why I was always so jealous.

    There was a point in my life when I was younger when I was teased a lot about the way that I looked and was considered an ugly duckling and that has affected my self esteem for a long time. Over the years I blossomed into a beautiful swan but somehow those feelings of inadequacy had stayed somewhere in my subconscious. Slowly I’m learning to accept those parts of me that I did not like before because they make me who I am today. It helps knowing that the right man will love you no matter what.

    I like what Rori says about being able to look at a beautiful woman and instead of hating her for it to say wow she’s really beautiful but so am I. I’ve been practicing saying that in my head every time I feel a pang of anger looking at a pretty woman and it instantly helps me soften up and smile.

    I’ve always had control issues with wanting to control everything my man does and doesn’t do and I’ve been learning to let go of that. And I’d like to own my jealousy and take responsibility for it and not blame someone else like I used to.

  146.  #146Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    RE 142 Lilybelle is it match.com? There was something on the radio this morning about a lawsuit.

  147.  #147Lost Lover on April 18, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I’m sorry i didn’t intend to tell my whole life story….. I just have no idea what to do anymore and need guidance, I’m only a kid…. If he pressures her into that again…. I don’t know what to do. She is utterly amazing, I can’t stress how much I love her. I just don’t want to fail her without every single ounce of strength being given.

  148.  #148Lost Lover on April 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Thank you for the support…. :’) I did get professional help and in that aspect I am not in any danger. Love is complicated enough when I have just as much emotion as most girls I have known, now what to do when she does not have the emotions, well I tried this, It made sense, I feel like I am dealing with what most women deal with and she is acting like most men, so perhaps this will help me get her to a point where she opens up and then I can start my actual work.

  149.  #149Queenbee on April 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    RE: !26 – Wow! Angel Lady, it feels good reading this.


  150.  #150Angel Lady on April 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Lost Lover – Breathe… Ok… now again. Breathe.

    You are a strong man who can handle anything. Find your strength my friend. Pair that with the amount of love you have and you will be an unstoppable force with women.

    A woman would be lucky to have your devotion. A woman who does not appreciate your devotion is not meant for you. I know that’s hard sometimes. or perhaps its not the right time yet if you are young.

    Timing is important in life for a relationship to last. Maturity is important. Sometimes only time and experience allows us the maturity to really know how to love people truly.

    Focus on you. Feel good about YOU!

  151.  #151Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 5:10 pm


    Yes, it was. Thank goodness I am street smart as hell and not even remotely close to being desperate but I feel bad knowing there are women out there who get sucked into this kind of crap. I tried to post a link to the article I read but everything went into lala land.

    And I feel bad for me too. How is that I appear to be desperate?

  152.  #152Angel Lady on April 18, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    And from a womans persepctive Lost Lover. I am always VERY attracted when a man takes a STAND for me. When he is strong and consistent in his love for me. That means the world to me. It shows me I can trust him over time.

    When he tells me that he will love me and shows me for a long period of time…. even when I won’t be what he wants me to be.

    That has inspired me with one of the men I date. Over time… he shows me he will stick around.

  153.  #153Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Lost Lover…

    I feel very intrigued and curious…do you want stay in the feminine mode of a relationship?

    Many women and girls tend to use masculine because sometimes there is no good role model as to how to be feminine; it could also be fear…we think we control our lives by being in charge…etc…; and we were encouraged by our fathers to be tough and competitive…they often felt proud of us when we would win;…because of it we understood love as when we accomplish something and our loved ones expressed being proud of us…

    Anyhow, just my insight…

    Warm hugs,

  154.  #154AMAZINGME on April 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Lost Lover…One never knows what they have until it’s gone. Have you ever tried walking away to find your own happiness?? Just curious…Maybe one day she will come around but at least your not there waiting and miserable, Just a thought.

  155.  #155Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    RE 149 lilybelle I am sure you are not desperate, it is just him and his filters. He might think that just because a woman is on a dating site she is desperate, who knows.

  156.  #156Cyndie on April 18, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Wow, you all make such excuses for men with really bad behaviors. If a man wants you, he will go after what he wants.
    Buck up and do not put up with any bad behavior!!!! Where is your pride? The fact that you don’t have enough confidence in yourself to walk away from what most of the men you describe are losers!!!
    Too much drama here……….

    If you want a prince you need to be what a prince would want…………enough said. You all seem really sad.

  157.  #157AMAZINGME on April 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Well that has triggered me, If you don’t like what you read here the great news is one does not have to stay if they do not want. This is a community of women that share experience of life, sadness and happiness is expressed here, everyone sees it differently.

  158.  #158Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm


    Thank you…and here a story for you…

    ““Back in the late seventies, I had the great privilege of seeing the legendary innovator Buckminster Fuller lecture in San Francisco. When he finished speaking, the audience was invited to engage in dialogue via open microphones around the auditorium.

    One gentleman took the mic and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn’t know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky paused for a moment, looked toward the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    As Bucky turned toward another person, the gentleman raised his voice and repeated his denunciation of Bucky and his thoughts, a bit more firmly. Again Bucky paused, looked squarely at the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    Once again, Bucky turned to another, and once again the gentleman raised his voice, repeated his diatribe, and offered quite a bit of angry energy to his comments, asking why he was being dismissed so summarily.

    This time Bucky responded something like this: “Did you not notice that I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected.

    I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion, to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument.

    Therefore, ‘Thank you’ seemed most appropriate.” ~by Russell Bishop

  159.  #159Femininepower on April 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    DE you are so awesome and mature.

  160.  #160Lucy on April 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Cyndie, I feel curious where you are seeing women putting up with bad behavior from men. I see so much of the exact opposite here.

  161.  #161Lilybelle on April 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    156: DE

    I love that story and feel happy to read it again.


  162.  #162SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 6:26 pm


    OMG, yes! that’s what I feel…and I feel ashamed. I’ve learned for years to take on blame and shame for things that were beyond my control… I’ve been working on dealing with it for a very long time.

    It’s tough when I see someone say that they are triggered by something I’ve said. It makes me feel like I’ve unintentionally hurt someone. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be the cause of hurt. It is not the first time you’ve commented that something I’ve stated has triggered you.

    I guess I have to admit that I have no control over that. But I have a strong resistance to this. I don’t want to be responsible for pain. I guess reframing it to think that you might find healing in it would help. But it hurts to think I might be responsible for someone else’s pain.

    DE I have been known to apologize for everything, including the weather. Yes, things outside of the realm of my control. My past abusers convinced me for a very long time that everything was my fault. It’s only recently that I am realizing just how deep rooted this need to apologize is. Not sure what to say.

    It’s about me. I will work to heal it. I will work to own my feelings and accept them.

    thank you both,


  163.  #163SummerBaby on April 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    thank you for your passionate response. I feel validated and understood. I have been experimenting with opening up here more on the blog because I tend to stuff my feelings down deep. It’s had me all over the map emotionally today.

    I want to grow and learn from all of it. It is pretty frightening when you face your emotions head on. Some scary stuff staring back at me.

    hugs and thanks again,

  164.  #164Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    On my way to my ballroom class 🙂 Tonite is foxtrot and swing…:)

    “Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
    I feel good, I knew that I would, now
    So good, so good, I got you..” ya…James Brown feels good…


  165.  #165gina on April 18, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    feelin bitter and irritated. D has said that he’s done being a party animal because his new position requires it. I was glad to hear it because I don’t like him drunk. Last week, we were rehashing old crap, and I was pretty negative towards him, and definitely made it clear that his drunkenness has never impressed me. He asked when i’m coming to visit him in boston, and even though he’s offering to pay for the trip, I was reluctant to accept cause he hadn’t followed through with the Valentines day present he promised and I’m not ignoring it. I stopped hearing from him after that, and it felt crummy but I was accepting it. Then last night at 3am his time he texted “Hi G.” When I woke up to find this message I felt irritated. I said “crazy night?” he said “yeah. super crazy. I’ve been blitzed for a week, I don’t even know what day it is. crazy! How are you today?” I said “good.” then I said “funny, cause I feel so sick of superficiality and partying and dumb sh1t, that I sat around reading the bible last night.” he texted “wow. what’s wrong?” I said “I just am sick of dumb sh1t.”

  166.  #166gina on April 18, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    darling ella,
    I’m glad to hear that ballroom is exciting for you! I’m a ballroom instructor – it can be magical, huh?

  167.  #167gina on April 18, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    eww cyndie, I don’t like you so far

  168.  #168Queenbee on April 18, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Hey Sirens,

    Please help me?

    I feel so good with HotAmazing man. I don’t want to stop what we have and it would feel amazing if it went all the way to marriage, which he is open to.

    I’ve been thinking about this and I think I would feel the safest, cared for, secure, loved, happy in a marriage.

    I don’t know if he is ‘the one’ and I’ve just been taking it slow. But it feels good to date him knowing that it could go somewhere (marriage) and that I could be open to it.

    Unfortunately, I’ve been having this major ‘conviction’ in my spirit rising up in me. Feels like intuition but also more of my deepest ‘truth’ … thoughts, feelings about my spiritual path and how I can be true to this.

    Yes, the boundaries – that’s what showed up – not necessarily MY boundaries, but boundaries within the spiritual practice, which ultimately become my boundaries if I choose this spiritual path.

    HotAmazing man is divorced. My spiritual practice prohibits remarriage and both are considered living ‘adulterous’ lives. This word feels horrible to me. I don’t want to have this label.

    I’m very committed to my spiritual life and I don’t want to do anything against it. Right now I feel very confused, shaky and terrified. I feel ANGRY, frustrated and that life is UNFAIR! It feels bad saying life is UNFAIR and then I feel guilty…

    In the past I had an experience where I ignored the wisdom that was rising up in me and I just did what I wanted. Not only did I delay my blessings but I also ended up in a HUGELY crappy situation. I don’t want to have this experience again.

    Choosing between G*d and man is no contest, but I have come to that point. I don’t want to argue with G*d and His teachings, but how do I walk away from the man that I’m feeling so good with? – and for the FIRST time happy, free, loved, secure and cared for?

    We were supposed to meet tomorrow. I sent him an FM email and broke it off. He replied straightforwardly though I feel as if I’ve fallen off my bridge again.

    I just feel so confused, terrified and shaky. He had something he wanted to share with me tomorrow – I still want to hear it.

    I don’t want to force myself to CD men. It is a huge obstacle for me to meet high quality men in my town and I’m just not committed to feeling anxiety about it.

    HotAmazing man feels so good to me… all the more why I just want to date him. I would consider him a very high quality man. Thinking about finding a higher quality man just feels stressful and boring. I just want to date the man I have.

    I feel bad… like I’m going around in circles… a dog chasing her tail.

    Even if I let go of an outcome to this relationship (i.e. marriage) that feels inauthentic. Is there something I need to heal in myself?

    Please help me?

    Thank you!


  169.  #169Prairie Girl on April 18, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    #789 From the last thread… Shannon… I’m meditating on your words tonight… Thank you…
    I can’t say I’m enjoying the wait… I’m not…but I really like this…
    “I can breath when I’m waiting. The ebb and flow of life. It also means something is coming. Wait is the promise of things to come… just some space between here and there… a year, an hour, a minute. At any second, the wait will end.”

    So good… thank you

  170.  #170RiverGirl on April 18, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    165: gina says:
    eww cyndie, I don’t like you so far

    Gina, I feel really uncomfortable reading that remark. I don’t share Cyndie’s view on what transpires here but it seems unfair to shut her out like that. It maybe more constructive, both for Cyndie and for yourself (and others who may have been triggered), to talk about why you are so triggered by her comments.

  171.  #171gina on April 18, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    River Girl,
    I’m sure your right that it’s more constructive to share why I feel trigerred. It also feels good to shut someone out when they come into an environment with a superior attitude and judgement.

  172.  #172gina on April 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    But i definitely realize that this is a pattern of mine. I shut a lot of people out. I’m sure most people here had the exact same reaction I had, but instead of letting her know, everyone tries to be nice, but maybe it’s good for one person to be like – meh, screw you, I don’t need you here and I don’t care about your opinions. Or not, I dunno. I realize that it’s not the high road – it’s giving her back what she gave. But I don’t feel that bad about it. Cuz maybe a taste of one’s own medicine can be a good thing sometimes. I know that when i am a b1tch, when people are polite about it, I stay in b1tch mode and think evil little thoughts about how dumb and inferior they are. But then life will put me in the pits, and then I feel humble and grateful for the people I pooped on before. BUT, if a bigger B1tch comes at me from the start, sometimes I feel like I’ve been put in check, and I knock it off with the B1tchiness. I guess it’s just my theory, but I think she was being a B1tch, and I realize that it takes one to know one, and it felt best to match her

  173.  #173RiverGirl on April 18, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Gina, why do you feel triggered?

    What you said about having a superior attitude and judgement, feels like you are holding a mirror up to me. I feel upset by that as I have been accused of acting as though I am superior in the past when I have spoken up about things I feel strongly about. I don’t like that because I very rarely feel superior to others and it has had the effect of making me afraid to express my opinions when I really ought to.

    I am not judging you now, just practising speaking up.

  174.  #174sweetmandm on April 18, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Queenbee RE: 166-

    I am a sister in what you are experiencing and I totally understand and want to discuss this topic with you very much. I just need time to do so. In the morning I will respond to you, as it is getting very late here where I am. 🙁 I want to ask you a couple of questions also. I don’t want to just assume anything. I will take a little time and respond thoughtfully! I practice as well as I can, what you are trying to be faithful to!!! So I completely understand your circumstance. Try and be at peace tonight and remember that nothing needs to be decided on tonight. Send it on up as best as you can, to get some peace and rest for tonight. For now I just recommend that you ask to for clarity to be sent to your heart tonight while you rest and the strength to do what you need to do for you, when you receive that clarity! I will be thinking of you and sending it on up for you ok?!

    I will write more with you tomorrow if you would like. Please look for my post 🙂

    Blessings and….

    A BIG HUG!

  175.  #175sweetmandm on April 18, 2011 at 8:31 pm


    I wish we could email about this one it would be easier! I don’t know if you understand why I say that?

  176.  #176RiverGirl on April 18, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    I had not seen your last post 170 before I posted above and I get that. Sometimes it is necessary to just call it as you see it.

  177.  #177turquoise3 on April 18, 2011 at 8:38 pm


    My boundaries haven’t always been good where my ex is concerned. Our divorce took 3 years, a lot of back and forth of emotions, and things have happened between us. I thought once he got engaged that would end, but about 4 months later, a tragic thing happened in my family, and he showed up on my doorstep to be there for me. It wasn’t a smart decision, but I lost my sister to cancer after an eight year battle, and he was my best friend and the closest person to me for a very long time. Ok, I was grieving… I told myself. Was ok to let him hold me while I cried. A few months later, he was deploying to Afghanistan, and while exchanging our girls, he laid a huge kiss on me…. I was completely caught off guard, our girls didn’t, but could have seen… but the thought that you might never see the person again, can blur logical thinking. He’s still very flirty with me, and the texting goes in spurts, but to be perfectly honest, it’s really hard to maintain distance from him sometimes. He’ll bring up our sex life, how amazing it was, it was one thing that worked really well for us, etc. I don’t know if he’s trying to sabatoge himself, or isn’t really happy… but she is 10 years younger, I think there have been some fidelity questions on her end, they have been long distance almost their entire relationship, so I try not to think about what is going on with them. I’m not initiating anything with him, I still care for him greatly, I want him to be happy, but he isn’t making good choices to keep that relationship safe. I don’t feel responsible for his relationship with her though. He’s a grown man, makes his own choices, I just need to focus on what is healthy for me. I know it’s not good for me, the blurring of friendship, or inappropriate relationship. I have felt so confused lately, I don’t even know what I’m doing. These deployments really really scare me. It’s horrible not knowing if he’ll make it home or not. Even though he’s not mine anymore, I worry a great deal. Maybe if the divorce had been my choice, this would be easier, but it wasn’t, and he has hands down, been the love of my life so far. I haven’t met one person in the last 5 years who I feel I could come close to loving as much. That is scary.

  178.  #178gina on April 18, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    River Girl – the criticism and judgement in Cyndie’s comment are what I didn’t like. It’s there in her comment, I don’t understand why your asking me like it’s some mystery as to why I felt pissed off??
    I’m sure you felt it, too. but I guess I was judgemental of me to call her judgemental and superior. Which is why I prefer my original comment: I said Cyndie, I didn’t like her so far. And yeah, that’s pretty harsh, but I’m letting her know my first impression based on her tone. Either she can fix the tone, or move on. I think what I could tweek according to what I’ve learned from Rori is, instead of using that “you” word, I could have said “Cyndie, I feel pissed about that comment. I didn’t like the tone at all.” that feels totally wimpy and unsatisfying. cause I guess there’s more: “I feel insulted and judged and defensive. And I also feel some compassion, because you obviously came here searching for something and seem to feel dissappointed by what you have found? I feel curious about why you have even bothered to read and comment…”

    So here you go…a Rorified version of my comment:

    “Cyndie, I feel pissed about that comment. I didn’t like the tone at all.I feel insulted and judged and defensive. I feel trigerred, but past that, I also feel some compassion, because you obviously came here searching for something and seem to feel dissappointed by what you have found? I feel curious about why you have even bothered to read and comment…”

  179.  #179gina on April 18, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Or hey, maybe I feel defensive because I do think I’m dealing with a loser and that he isn’t treating me right! Yeah, I definitely feel that way. And I don’t want his crap, but he keeps coming around, and i see some future potential, but I hate what he’s dishing out now. I’m having a hard time being respectful enough towards him to leave it open for the possibility of a future, while also setting a boundary for now.
    But Hey Cyndie! I’m trying to figure out what to do about it when he does come at me with nonsense! so when I come here for therapeutic purposes, and I find some judgemental holier than thou “just get over it and be more of a princess, you’re just sad” I just want to say, if you’ve got it all figured out, just shut up and leave!

  180.  #180gina on April 18, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Words feel like lies sometimes, because we choose a line of communication (like I could choose that nicer one above) but all those other thoughts and feelings are floating around in the air, ya know. And she could’ve chosen a nicer way to express herself, but in the end, she feels reluctant about participating here because of her judgement, which does exist regardless…it’s weird to think of all the different things people balance while communicating.

  181.  #181gina on April 18, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    turquoise3, I feel sad reading all that stuff about your ex man. What a tough situation – it sounds like, even though he’s your ex, he’s hardly really IN his current relationship, so all that exists is memories, and his memories of you and his bond with you (with kids and all) is inevitably stronger than what he possibly could’ve created with her from a distance. what I’m imagining anyway. So it seems to make sense that you both are powerfully still attracted, and the circumstance (with him being gone at war) has just raised the stakes, and I feel a lot of compassion for your situation. And yet he broke it off, so it’s like UGH! I guess you’re supposed to just move on, and yet there’s that bond that tugs at you both it seems like. I think I’d feel stuck. and I’d probably feel even MORE fury at the powers that be for the senseless wars that they are imposing on the world. AAAAARGH it makes me mad! But I hope you can find ways to feel grateful for the romance that sort of comes from the notion that ya’ll are bonded more because of this wretchedness, while also finding ways to keep moving and feel love every day…?

  182.  #182RiverGirl on April 18, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    176: gina says:
    “I don’t understand why your asking me like it’s some mystery as to why I felt pissed off??”

    I didn’t ever wonder why you were pissed off. I thought her remarks were ill considered, but I also felt that you had more that you needed to say and I’m glad that you have. xo

  183.  #183Queenbee on April 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    RE 173 – Sweetmandm – thank you so much! Yes, I do know why you want us to email. Please email me on boolahlove@yahoo.com

    Thanks again!



  184.  #184Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Gina #164:

    Wow…awesome…a ballroom instructor…geez i feel sooo “jealous”…:)

    This was my 1st group class of swing and foxtrot…I love all the dances…Gosh, I feel greedy…I want to learn them all pronto and perfecto!!!!

    I felt awesome…the attention of good looking and great dancer men gosh, speaks to my heart for real 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  185.  #185KS on April 18, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Awwww thanks. Your comment made my day! 🙂
    I love having you as a friend on my FB.

  186.  #186gina on April 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Darling Ella,
    Cool! Glad you’re having a good experience! Sounds like you’re part of a dance program – taking private lessons too, I presume? I definitely recommend privates as a primary way to learn for fast results. Plus, you’ll be in a good position to be able to focus on following those handsome men in your group classes! Congrats on your new dance skills!!

  187.  #187Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 10:06 pm


    Yes, I am taking private lessons as well 🙂 Good to know that this will give me fast results 🙂

    Tonite, I met someone who won 1st place multiple times in Las Vegas last week 🙂

    He is charming…but gosh, I met him two weeks ago I sure thought he might be gay 🙂 But, tonite, he asked me to dance several times…and held my hand a bit too many times…lol…saying…”what is u name again? it’s great to meet u…great to meet u…”…lol

    of course he also came to my table to share suggestions as to how i can progress in my skills…

    So sweet…:) It felt like my trainer and him where “competing” for my attention and time…I felt awesome…

    Going again tomorrow nite…private lesson and group…waltz and rumba 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  188.  #188gina on April 18, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    cool! Sounds like you’re getting the royal treatment you deserve.

  189.  #189kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    For the longest time, I was resistant to using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when basically making blame statements to not come off as blame statements. It was because I thought using ‘I’ made me sound ego driven and self-centered.

  190.  #190Darling Ella on April 18, 2011 at 10:37 pm


    Thank you 🙂 I believe there is Queen in each of us…:)

    Good nite…stay true to your feelings…what he/she does is no longer important…however, what u feel is 🙂 Focus what feels good to u…the rest seems to just follow naturally 🙂

    riding the horse…is staying true to what feels good to me…

    Warm hugs,

  191.  #191kaitlyn on April 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    From twitter.com/girldictionary

    Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship.

  192.  #192Rosa on April 19, 2011 at 1:08 am

    I love this post. Thanks Rori, I needed it today .
    Today was a day i gave thanks for Circular Dating also!

    Old school friend (first BF) was back on the scene. Some may recall that he appeared a few months ago then disappeared the moment his ex wiggled her finger in his direction . As soon as she got tired of him again he was back.

    I cautiously decided to allow him to date me . Dinners and lunches and movies and brunch .No sex. Lots of calls and mails, initiated by him mostly. He was still having contact with her though and after telling me repeatedly how interested in me he was and how he was “courting me” he texted me today to say that, miracle of miracles, she was back!

    No mention of apology to me, nothing but blah blah blah all about HIM..

    No recognition of the facts , that he was leading me to believe he was seriously interested in me while still ready to drop on bended knee and marry HER the second she came after him. They have been “engaged “for 13 years until the last 18 months of on and off crap.

    Thank God and Rori for CDating. I have two other “regulars” as a buffer. The truth was I had cautiously begun to care again. I was head over heels in love (aged 15 )with this man. Thirty five years disappeared in a second when we were laughing together. But with CD’ing i had NOT got all wrapped up in possibilities, i had NOT fallen into the sexual chemistry trap and I HAD recognised that he was overly hasty, emotionally insecure and needy and looking for a “spare tyre”.

    So tonight I feel sad , I feel angry , but I feel proud of myself for giving him a second chance. I feel sorry he blew it. I feel grateful for my CD’s.

    So the moral to the story is , in my humble opinion..

    It Aint Over Till Its Over..
    and that definitely means any ongoing contact (except for the bare necessity re childrens care if needed.)

    And the Other Moral Is …
    Circular Date so you can keep your heart open , be soft and vulnerable without risk of overly hurting when he bums out.

  193.  #193RiverGirl on April 19, 2011 at 1:58 am

    That sucks Rosa, and yeah, he blew it…his loss not yours.

  194.  #194Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 3:40 am

    This post has triggered me. I feel guilt and pain I didn’t realise was there. I met my man through work. He was in a failing relationship when we met, they were living separate lives under the same roof but he was still unavailable. I found myself very attracted to him. He would seek out opportunities to be around me, talk to me, make me laugh, cheer me up when I was having a bad day, we were friends. I felt torn at the time that he was unavailable but I felt so good in his company I was resigned to being his friend. There was a work night out 6 months later and he wasn’t going. I had a shock and when he heard about it from someone else he came and found me and just sat with me in silence for maybe an hour. Then he stood up and insisted we go to the work function, I needed to get out and enjoy myself. He stayed near me all night. When everyone else was going home he insisted we stay out. He took me out for food. He walked me back to my house and we talked for hours. He didn’t leave until 6am and he made it clear he wanted to stay. I was so happy all evening. I was devastated when he left because I knew I couldn’t have him but relieved too that nothing had happened. He broke up with his girlfriend and a week later we started dating. Our relationship has been amazing and I’ve never been happier but I didn’t realise until now just how awful and guilty I feel about how it started. I feel guilty for enjoying the company of a man who wasn’t available. I feel guilty for being attracted to someone elses man. I feel guilty that if I had not been around they might have worked things out. I don’t like feeling guilty. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t know how to feel better. I don’t know what the answer is. 🙁

  195.  #195mali on April 19, 2011 at 3:48 am

    Summerbaby- 161:
    You’re more than welcome 🙂
    I had huge issues with this in the past: why do I feel this way? I feel sad/angry… why? Maybe if I try and understand WHY, I can feel better about feeling this way. But no, this is how I feel. I can’t change that, and don’t want to. Because it makes me who I am.
    ^ those were my initial thought processes, and I’ve learnt to allow myself to go with the flow… it was very difficult in the beginning. I don’t know much about your journey. but feel free to share if you’d like <3

    Today, I feel good. The sun is shining! I'd love to go out and dance in the sunshine =)
    On the other hand? I feel sad. Abandoned. Uncared for.
    Being at a place where I'm not yet in uni and therefore not having met many new people, I feel lonely. I can't CD as a result. The friends I have are busy revising for university exams.
    The one guy I still have a soft spot for (and daydreaming of being with) lives far from me, in another town, and he's going travelling soon. I wish he missed me enough to contact me. I wish he had the desire to see me before he left. I wish he cared that much.
    On one level, I know how loveable I am. It seems to be raining men at work, but I have no interest at them! And yet, I feel sad.

  196.  #196kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 4:09 am

    I feel really triggered. Like, I need Xanax triggered. I found an old IM chat log from Adam and I a few dates into the relationship. He had instigated a chat saying ‘because of your escort past, and I really like you, I’m so neurotic about someone with money stealing you away from me.’ I had completely forgotten about that convo. I swore up and down in it that it wouldn’t happen.

  197.  #197Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:25 am

    RE 194 Wow that is his fear right there.

  198.  #198Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:27 am

    RE 192 Kyla was he married?

  199.  #199AMAZINGME on April 19, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Good Morning, I never realized what a difference this blog has made in my life. When I am happy or sad I want to share it with you. I believe the reason we get triggered on here is that we share some really deep close to our hearts stuff. When someone, ANYONE, judges that or makes us feel negative for feeling this way it is a trigger. Getting triggered here has helped me in so many ways express myself that I am grateful. The world will not always see your life as you do, the kicker is if your happy then it doesn’t really matter. A lesson in everyone’s comments, that’s why I love it here….Self analyzing…good stuff

  200.  #200Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:34 am

    RE 190 Rosa I so understand I am currently in something similar with someone from 20+ years ago. Yesterday I got emotional with him but he stepped up big time to make sure I felt cared for. I am being cautious and have communicated that I am in no hurry to do anything. I just allow him to do whatever and say whatever he wants. My goal is to practicing being, speaking my truth and melting. Melting in particular because I have never put conscious intention into doing that. He is the one person I can truly practice letting go of my fear of intimacy with without the concern of getting physically intimate with.

  201.  #201Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:36 am

    RE 187 kaitlyn I sense a shift is taking place inside you.

  202.  #202Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:38 am

    RE 185 DE Amazing.

  203.  #203Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 5:38 am

    Hi Femininepower
    No, he was not married he was living with a girlfriend.
    I didn’t realise I felt any guilt until I read this post today. I thought I did nothing at all, he came to me all by himself and when he realised he wanted more than friendship he moved out before asking me on a date. This was all before I found this blog. I feel now like I ‘out-girled’ his ex. I don’t know this guilt is coming from. It feels awful!

  204.  #204Rosa on April 19, 2011 at 5:55 am

    198 FP – I had begun to have similar thoughts about this CD.I thought initially that he was good practice material for being open , and I began to let him closer as he pursued me . He had many good points.

    That is , until he actually told me he was lying awake thinking of me all night after the last phone chat, but the very next day sent an email to his ex to negotiate marriage conditions.

    He didnt seem to find this strange.

    What feels GREAT is that I am not hurting much at all. Its not about me or my self esteem , and although i was opening up , i did not invest myself into him. I had kept a healthy degree of scepticism 🙂

  205.  #205Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:57 am

    RE 170 Gina that might be your authentic self “for now” and writing out how you think and would speak creates the space to become intimate with yourself. I am sure that as time goes by and you keep practicing if you so wish you will have the space and opportunity to “re-present” yourself to the world in a way that you choose.

    I just wanted to make one comment about the comment “But i definitely realize that this is a pattern of mine. I shut a lot of people out.” I have a program in which Dr. Paul another coach suggests that the shutting out is in an indication of a boundary weakness. I don’t what that would be for you but it might be helpful if you explore for yourself how you fight? Do you feel confident that you could do that, speak up for yourself in a way that would not necessarily push people away. Is it possible that you fear being rejected after an argument so you slam the door to the relationship first? Just asking because it is something I am working on getting over.

  206.  #206Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 5:59 am

    RE 202 I am wondering if he sensed the scepticism and came to the conclusion that you would never really let him fully back in?

  207.  #207Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:02 am

    RE 201 I believe I have read on this blog that if he is not married he is available. Can’t remember now how it was worded. However, this situation might be just bring up some emotions from something in the past. Is there something that you might need to forgive yourself for?

  208.  #208Rosa on April 19, 2011 at 6:04 am

    Thanks River Girl . I appreciate the supportive comments.

    I do feel sadness and hurt when I think that the innocent teenage love we shared was resurrected in this sad way 35 years later.

    I dont want a man who isnt self aware, and who doesnt know how to actually experience an ending without going in to panic mode and start latching on to the nearest friendly object..in this case me..NO THANKS.

  209.  #209Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:08 am

    Ok Kyla I feel a bit concerned that you are labeling it as “awful” it is just a feeling that as Rori says is your map in the world. I would suggest accepting it and wondering about why you are feeling that way to see if you can figure out where it is coming from so you could heal it.

  210.  #210Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 6:15 am

    oh wow maybe it is old ‘me’ stuff. can’t believe i didn’t think about that! i’ve spent years shutting off from my emotions and being logical and numb. i am finding all these feelings coming up in waves so confusing to work out where they are coming from and what to do with them, feeling very emotional lately but not afraid of the feelings. i obviously need to work more on this. maybe i’m feeling guilty because i’m not used to receiving and it feels selfish so i’m creating guilt? i’m going to work on this. thank you for the support, it feels good 🙂

  211.  #211Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:18 am

    RE 175 turquoise3 You know what that is your life and how you feel. I honor you for that. It also shows that you are very aware of yourself and how you feel, babysteps. You will figure out where you want to be, what you want to do and make good choices for yourself.

  212.  #212Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:20 am

    RE 208 Kyla also give compassion and forgiveness to yourself by talking to and hugging your heart and your inner child, something I learnt to do here. As you give love to yourself your inner knowing will help you identify the things that need to be healed and for me I started to remember things that happened to me as a child that some of the emotions were connected to.

  213.  #213Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Everything comes up in the presence of true love.

  214.  #214kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 6:25 am

    199 FW

    What kind of shift and how do I get him back?

  215.  #215Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 6:26 am

    thanks femininepower

    “Everything comes up in the presence of true love.”

    that is so true!
    ok i’m going to try to babystep through these feelings. i have the urge to want instant results in all areas lol. i intend to be gentle and patient with myself and my healing.

  216.  #216Mercedes on April 19, 2011 at 6:26 am

    I wish there was a “Like” button on here. Gina…post 170 is a LIKE for me! 🙂 Sometime a girl’s just gotta stop being so nice when faced with disrespect.

    Cyndie: Not sure if you’re still here…I’m guessing not…but if you are, I would love to hear about your relationship and what qualities you are making the most of in order to be with your prince. That would be cool to hear. What are the qualities your prince likes? I’m curious if they are the same as the ones my J likes.

    Much Love,

  217.  #217kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 6:28 am

    I’ve been saying all along this is all my fault. i proved his fear. I hurt him. I’ve been saying all along i made the biggest mistake ever.

  218.  #218Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:40 am

    kaitlyn this statement “For the longest time, I was resistant to using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ when basically making blame statements to not come off as blame statements. It was because I thought using ‘I’ made me sound ego driven and self-centered” suggests to me that your internal state is shifting.

  219.  #219Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:42 am

    RE 213 Kyla love yourself and your inner knowing will guide you.

  220.  #220Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 6:45 am


    I feel so much more oneness and warmth 🙂 It feels good to read that 🙂

    Big warm hugs,

  221.  #221kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 6:46 am

    216 fw, thnks but the i vs you has been resonating with me for the past 2 weeks. i feel like i learned all this too late because i screwed up and he is gone.

  222.  #222Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Kyla #201:

    Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

    The guilt part…it took me immediately to a statement “What goes around comes around”…setting fear in my heart…that he would also do the same thing to me…:(

    There is a blog here about dating a man with a “girlfriend”…look in the archives under Dating or Difficult situations…

    Yes, I recall Rori saying it is okay to be open to a man’s advances if he has a girlfriend…yet, she cautioning us about getting involved with someone who is very likely emotionally unavailable…

    I sure would flirt with him, go to lunch, dinner if he asks me…but I sure would not pursue sexual intimacy with him…especially, if he soo “truthful” ab having a “gf”…lol

    Warm hugs,

  223.  #223Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:53 am

    What you feel at first might be attraction and lust, but this grows into a deeper, more intimate kind of feeling, something incredibly profound if you are each other’s “the one”.

    There is not a perfect time to say these words. But there are two things to avoid:

    1.Saying them too soon.

    2.Waiting too long.

    What does too soon look like? Certainly after a few short weeks, it’s too soon, but if it’s been a few months…You might ask yourself these questions:

    1.Do you feel warm and fuzzy feelings for your
    potential “the one”?

    2.Do you find your mind thinking about him with joy during the day.?

    3.Does your heart fill up when you see him?

    4.Do most of your cares fall away when he’s with you?

    5.Do you still lust for him?

    6.Do you feel comfortable in his presence?

    7.Do you feel an ever deepening feeling of something even if there’s still some tentativeness and fear?

    If you were able to answer yes to most or all of these questions, then please, SPEAK UP!

    How about waiting too long? If you feel all of this and more, and it’s been more than a year, then spit it our already. As much as you may walk the walk, talking the talk is also important.

    And once the words are out, please use them carefully and with true feeling, when you feel that surge of warm and fuzzy within. This word in this context is very special, so speak sincerely.

    If you’d like more help with words – how and when to say what you’re feeling, how and when to say what you need and what you want, and how to get HIM to say “I love you” to YOU – you’ll want to get Rori Raye’s free newsletters.

    She teaches you the “Rori Raye Mantra” – and a very big part of her Mantra is how to chooses words that express most deeply and powerfully exactly what you feel – in a way a man can not only hear – but that will bring him closer to you.

    Sincerely, Sarah for


  224.  #224Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Shush…I have been “eating” words big time lately…gosh, so embarrassing…

    Hmm…I was just about to explain myself…the STOP sign came up…lol…interesting…i wanted to explain why I misspell so much lately…hmm, there are fears of judgments, acceptance…yep…

    Out to work…:( I will be missing the blog today…

    Wish u all a beautiful day!!!

  225.  #225Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 7:03 am

    RE 219 I feel confident that your story around that will also change as you go through your process.

  226.  #226Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 7:05 am


    I feel soo curious…do you want to forgive yourself??? do you want to heal that part of u?

    Warm hugs,

  227.  #227kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Yes, but mostly i want him back.

  228.  #228Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 7:12 am

    @ Darling Ella
    I hear you 🙂 thank you. I have felt that fear in previous relationships but not this one.

    The reason it never felt ‘bad’ to me is that there was no sexual interaction, no dates, no secret communication. We would see each other in work, he would come and sit with me and talk about work or tell me funny stories. He would ask how I was if I seemed down and try to distract me with jokes. It seemed to me that we were ‘friends’, he has lots of friends and i liked his company but I never sought it out. The first and only time it seemed like ‘more than friends’ was the last night that he knew I had had a horrible shock and didn’t want to leave me on my own. He admitted that night that he wanted more before and immediately got him and left, ended his other relationship, moved out and then asked me on a date. So I felt good that he had never acted inappropriately that he had kept his integrity that he wanted to treat everyone with the respect they deserved and do his best by them. He never discussed his relationship, he never overtly flirted with me and he didn’t hint that he wanted more than friendship until he ended his relationship. I feel good about our relationship. I am not afraid of him cheating on me or being emotionally involved with someone else. I feel confident and secure with his feelings for me. I feel loved and cherished and cared for. I left an abusive 6 year marriage and I think I’m still struggling with receiving love. I’m circular dating still although we have decided to give being exclusive a chance so I am dating me and friends and flirting and remaining open to others.

  229.  #229Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 7:14 am


    “but i mostly want him back…” so u want him back more than you want yourself????


    i feel sad reading it…real forgiveness comes from self-forgiveness…when we look to someone else for it…we loose ourselves…:(

    big warm hug

  230.  #230Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 7:16 am

    typo – meant to read ‘when he admitted that night that he wanted more he immediately got up and left, before things went any further, ended his other relationship, moved out and THEN asked me out on a date.

  231.  #231Mercedes on April 19, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Kaitlyn: Guys don’t generally come back to women who can’t pull themselves up on their own. Or they do, but it’s in the same way as the “other” woman in this post from Rori…he comes back but only because he feels sorry for her and doesn’t want to hurt her…not because he loves her….and he ends up dating other women while he’s “helping her out” and hiding that fact…it’s a mess…not love.

    I have no idea if your man will ever come back but I do have a pretty good idea that if you want any chance at all for him to come back IN LOVE then he’s going to have to see you pull it together…all by yourself.

    Right now, you’re too far down…your entire happiness is his responsibility (ie you are showing him that you can’t be happy unless HE makes you happy…that’s a lot of responsibility for a man)…you aren’t having any fun (guys really don’t like dating women who can’t have fun) and you’ve lost joy (which usually means you’ve also lost the glow in your cheeks, the sparkle in your eye and the swing in your hips).

    It can be very hard to be attractive in a guy’s eyes when you are constantly sad and down on yourself. In my opinion, the best chance you have of attracting this man again is to become the woman you were when he was attracted before. I’m guessing you weren’t an “it’s all my fault and I’ll never have him back again because of my mistakes” girl when he fell for you the first time. That tells me you can’t be that girl if you want him to fall for you a second time. Who did he fall in love with to begin with? Is she still inside you? If so, I’d bring her back out.

    Just my thoughts on it…

    Much Love,

  232.  #232mali on April 19, 2011 at 7:40 am

    FW Re: 221
    Hehe I did sign upto these newsletters, but for some reason, I’m not getting them!

  233.  #233Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 7:41 am


    Hmm…I admit, if I were in your situation…i would work on my speech…a very open heartfelt speech…

    what would you say to yourself about the whole situation??

    what would you want to say to him?

    when u are ready, u could share and…maybe we can give you some feedback…

    gosh, i am late…:(

    Warm hugs,

  234.  #234Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Mali I would sign up again, maybe using a new email address.

  235.  #235Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 8:06 am

    There are 3 billion MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) out there…most of them single!

    So what about online dating? When you meet someone you’ve been talking to online, that first meeting can’t even really be considered a “date” if you think about it. After all, you should only be meeting casually at that stage to figure out if there’s any basic chemistry going on there at all.

    That’s it. No stress, no strain. And certainly such meetings are without the necessity that any sex is going to be taking place…right there in Starbucks.

    Now if the sparks fly, so be it. But my point is that this isn’t even really “dating” yet. And how about if there ARE sparks? Should there be wedding plans
    after the first date? It sounds silly to even contemplate, doesn’t it?

    Ultimately, I’d recommend LOTS of dates with lots of people before entering into an exclusive relationship with someone. There are two great reasons for this.

    First, life is too short to evaluate potential partners one at a time. Meeting and interacting with numerous people gives you a chance to find out what your real preferences are when it comes to guys, as opposed to your pre-conceived ones. And amazingly, it’s uncanny how having several options when it comes to your mixed-company social life begets amazing confidence. You don’t cling so desperately to each individual “opportunity”, and therefore you magically become more attractive to MOTOS in general.

    Nothing succeeds like success, right?

    Second, exclusive relationships should be meaningful. Why cheapen the experience by giving it away so quickly? Take time to get to know someone fully before selecting that person to the exclusion of
    all others. Make exclusivity count. If you fall in love, be sure about it and LOVE BIG.

    Explain your philosophy to anyone you are “dating” who appears to be pressuring you into exclusivity too quickly. Be honest with the men you meet along the way, and rest assured that it will typically result in real respect and even heightened attraction. Now that sounds to me like the path of someone with real depth. And I don’t see any downside to that.

    Have Fun,

    Emily McKay

  236.  #236LD on April 19, 2011 at 8:10 am

    HotArmyGuy: “I’ve always been the rescuer and I’ve always dated damaged women because of my need to fix things. And I know that’s my own issue and I’ve worked on it and I’m ready for a real, healthy relationship. But when I met you, I didn’t know what to do with that. I knew you were what I was looking for-happy and emotionally healthy. You didn’t need me to make you happy because you already WERE happy. You didn’t need me to fix anything because you had already fixed it all before you met me. Except maybe a couple of things in your house. (he laughs) I knew I couldn’t offer you anything you couldn’t do for yourself or that a hundred other men who are better than me couldn’t offer you. So since you don’t NEED me, I can only hope that I’d be lucky enough that you would WANT me. I think you want me and I feel lucky.” (at dinner)

    (later at my house) “I like what we have here, and I don’t want us to do this with anyone else but each other. I know your reasons for not wanting to be exclusive without commitment, but I also know how nervous making a formal commitment so fast would make you feel. So this is about what YOU want and decide. WHEN you decide it. I’m here for as long as you want me and in whatever capacity you want me. If you want me for 50 days or 50 weeks or for 50 years. If you want to date me casually, live with me, marry me. All your choice. Even though I won’t like it much if you choose the casual thing. (he laughs)

    The only thing I ask is that you kick my a$$ to the curb if I don’t make you happy. Because I don’t deserve you if I can’t at least make you as happy as you were the day I met you.”


    Stick a fork in me, cuz I’m done. I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Thank you Universe!

  237.  #237LD on April 19, 2011 at 8:12 am


    Great post to Kaitlyn. I think that’s exactly what she needs to do…

  238.  #238Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 8:13 am

    234 OMG LD thanks for sharing that. omg omg. Congratulations. It seems like this reinforces what Mercedes said to kaitlyn above. omg.

  239.  #239Kyla on April 19, 2011 at 8:17 am

    234 WOW that made me smile so much, beautiful 🙂

  240.  #240Lily T. on April 19, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Yep LD, I love this HotArmyGuy. What about you? 🙂

  241.  #241LD on April 19, 2011 at 8:28 am


    I’m officially off the market. : )

  242.  #242Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 8:31 am

    234: LD

    Now, I AM the one crying.

    At work, no less.

    Your worth it for me to shed tears at work and I couldn’t be happier for you.



  243.  #243Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 8:32 am


    Printable and brilliant.

    Thank you!


  244.  #244mali on April 19, 2011 at 8:48 am

    LD Re:235
    That made me smile So much, and it’s no less than you deserve! SO very happy for you girl!! 😀
    FW: Thankyou, have done so 🙂

  245.  #245Brenda on April 19, 2011 at 9:09 am


    Hi there! I finally made it to the QVC outlet to check on that ring. Sorry it took me so long, but I’m really busy these days, and it’s about 20 miles away.

    They had quite a selection of sterling silver rings half price. I saw several that had a large, square-with-rounded-corners pearl. I realized once I was there I didn’t get a thorough description from you. What did the pearls look like? What size do you take?

    One I looked at was a size 8 and was $18 something after the half off. The other was a 10 and about $34 after the half off, and it didn’t look very good.

  246.  #246AMAZINGME on April 19, 2011 at 9:09 am

    @234 ..sigh…we so need more of those 🙂

  247.  #247AMAZINGME on April 19, 2011 at 9:12 am

    @234… That just sounds so strong and passionate, like true love story…wow

  248.  #248Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 9:16 am

    This post really rings a bell with a past boyfriend. Only it wasn’t an ex, it was a woman he had been friends with for a very long time, she was married, but her husband was away (in jail, no less). He would go over to her house, fix whatever needed fixing, hang out with her kid. I remember feeling jealous. Not just because he would pay attention to her and do all this stuff, and that he wasn’t doing it for ME, but jealous of her and her ability to just ask, without feeling embarrassed or incompetent or worthless or “less than” or needy or bothersome. It seemed to me that whenever I asked for help with anything, I came across as “needy.” Yet, here she was, a person with a LOT of needs, and he was more than willing to help out. It made me feel so yucky and gross, and then also bad about myself for not being a solid woman who was “okay” with my own needs. Double whammy.

    I did tell him, and in a calm way, how I felt about the situation. He of course protested that they were “just friends” and had never been anything else, but that wasn’t the issue. To me, he was basically being her on-call surrogate “house-husband,” regardless of attraction. He agreed to stop seeing her so much, but I think that just resulted in resentment on his part, because he felt I was blocking him from having a friend, and that wasn’t the point.

    I really like Rori’s perspective on the issue. Because even though I basically said everything in the script, I was still the one “deciding” what should be done about it. I was coming up with the solution. I didn’t know about all this stuff then, but I guess if I had acknowledged that I didn’t really know what to do, he would have come up with a plan. Or maybe not.

    In the end, I had to decide that the was so hung up on her and committed to that friendship that there was nothing I could do, and I ended the relationship. I ended it for a lot of reasons, but that was a big one.

    I even corresponded with her afterward, and she agreed. As in, she agreed that he was “unequally yoked” (her words), but she was defending him as her friend, and still saying she needed him. Yikes.

    If you have a guy with a crazy ex who bugs him a lot, and it annoys him, that’s one thing. But if he responds and he enjoys it, that is something else. To me, it’s a big red flag, and I feel like running – not walking – in the other direction.


  249.  #249Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 9:22 am

    LD – That is awesome! What a speech! 🙂

    It sounds like you are in a really great place with this guy…

    But I have to confess. I’ve been having a problem, in that whenever I read “HotArmyGuy” I do a double-take, because my brain thinks it says “HotHornyGuy.” Can you spell “sexually frustrated”? LOL

  250.  #250Prairie Girl on April 19, 2011 at 9:25 am

    234: LD
    OMG!!!!! That is so VERY VERY perfect!
    I am so happy for you I’m crying too Lil!
    Yee Haw!!!!!!

  251.  #251Simply Shannon on April 19, 2011 at 9:34 am

    LD: Oh wow! I feel amazed. (And a little scared I gotta admit. I want my brain to believe in this so much. Not quite there but working on it.) Please keep us posted! I want this to work out between you two. A living breathing example! *blush*

    Kaitlyn: The man with more money stole you away from Adam… is that true? Aren’t you still wanting Adam? I think you disproved his fear. I’m still voting for this NOT being about you going to Paris. I think shit was happening long before then (for both of you). Paris was just the excuse, and it happens to be the one that affirms your belief that you are the bad person in all this. What do you think?

  252.  #252LD on April 19, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Thanks for the warm wishes everyone. I couldn’t have gotten to this point without each one of you on here. Thanks so much for helping me work through my issues so that I could heal and stop repeating past mistakes. I feel grateful to have found you all.

    I feel happy and excited, but the coolest thing is I feel RELAXED. I just don’t have any anxiety about it either way. I have never really had this much peace about a relationship. I can’t really explain it.

  253.  #253Prairie Girl on April 19, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Well Sirens… I supposed to have a date with Rancherman tonight… a late one.. my cuz is coming to stay w/my kids… he knows I need to meet him to (his rancher words) “see if ya want to keep me or cull (cut from the herd) me” …

    I told him I can’t give Iowa a fair chance as long as he’s having to compete w/him…

    Iowa has all the right amount of contact but not ONE conversation that is stimulating the way RM and I have all the time…Words and being “got” are my biggies.. I don’t really feel Iowa gets me.. I feel like he has an imaginary thing going on w/me and I just answer the phone…

    It’s been cloudy here today.. I told RM my request to God about not letting a man come who would put me off my path.. and that our first 2 attempts at a date were derailed and that I feared what act of God might occur if we tried for a 3rd… He said he thought God had bigger things to worry about and that he’d be here… sigh… we’ll see…lol

    He made me laugh and feel warm…as usual..

    I, of course, hung up and had the wonderfully “positive” thought “good I can meet him and see that I don’t like him”… Kinda along the lines of my sister we adopted from Korea when she was 6 seeing her first Christmas tree/presents… After looking at all of them w/her name in utter glee… turned to my mom and said “I probably won’t like anything here”…. she couldn’t face another disappointment in her life….

    I’m trying not to be THAT negative… but… you know… none I’ve actually met have been keepers…so I gotta pace myself…right? lol

    I’d appreciate positive thoughts… I want to believe that if he doesn’t show that it’s a sign.. is that wrong ya think?

    I want to stay open, and soft and centered…

    He seems to be okay even when I lean forward too much..

    He didn’t want to meet me in a middle town unless I was going for business… He said was more gentlemanly for a man to come to the woman the first time… though he flew a woman from Canada to his ranch to meet her… but I guess that is different..she was a city gal thinking she could handle his lifestyle….

    He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy… I like this way of thinkin…

    I probably won’t like anything under the tree….giggle…

    Okay.. I better go get some work done.. I’ll check back later..

    Angels on your bodies

  254.  #254LD on April 19, 2011 at 9:47 am


    “He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy… I like this way of thinkin…”

    Yep, this is the way D (HotArmyGuy) thinks too. It’s awesome! I like RM’s words…

    Have a GREAT date tonight!!!

  255.  #255Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 9:56 am

    243: Brenda,

    You are SO sweet! I should send you a picture of it.

    If you feel okay with it, you can give me your email address and I can paste it in there to see if you saw this one.

    This is so sweet of you. I appreciate it.


  256.  #256Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 10:02 am


    This is twice today that this sentance has smacked me in the face.. TWICE. Seems there is something for me to learn from that.

    ““He says that his belief in a relationship is that his job is to make me happy then he can be happy…”

    PG~ Have a great date tonight. Can’t wait to hear about it.


  257.  #257Nita on April 19, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Rori I have a question based on my observations about myself and two concepts that you teach. One is leaning back, being a girl and feeling letting energy to come to me and the other which you also teach which is being a rock, having boundaries and not letting my “pearls be thrown to swine.” So how do you do this? I feel like both are important but Im not sure how to juggle both. When Im vulnerable and a girl I tend to be easygoing and then I wonder am i a pushover? and if i set strong boundaries i wonder do i have a wall? i feel frustrated with myself I work on your tools but I just dont understand what the heck im doing. heres an example: recently i have been contacted by a guy and hes well….a bugaboo. constant calls, constant attention, says he cant wait to see me says hes nervous and excited, sends me pictures of himself daily…i met him once at a speed dating event in january and he now contacts ugh. i dont know part of me thinks to circular date and give him a chance but i cant help to feel annoyed. i texted him after his third “wishing you a great day babe” that i was feeling ackward with his intenisty..he apologized. I wonder though am i not letting myself lean back? but how can i if im weirded out shouldnt i express my feelings and share what im comfortable with? there are many examples like this where I wonder if i have a wall or if im just trusting my feelings i dont know if im making sense but is there any insight…

    btw since im new to all this and dating/ and im inexperienced i question if im naive and i feel like protecting myself hmmm and i also question my boundaries i wonder am i just a scared little girl? hmmm lots to figure out (im also overly analytical lol) ugh im sooooooo frustrated

  258.  #258Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 10:32 am

    DE: Hi! I feel worried reading your post about facebook because I’m worried you are talking about me 🙁

    I know I was so excited to friend you, KS, Tinque, etc and then I have hardly been on FB after that. I apologize if that felt weird.

    I have a hard time with FB because it is really glitchy with the Internet connection I have. I can read updates and like posts, but sometimes it won’t let me comment or send message. I tend to get annoyed with it and come here instead.

    I just want you to know it’s not anything personally. I love your updates. They are always so positive and uplifting.

    I hope KS sees this too. I really appreciate you both!

  259.  #259Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 10:38 am

    LD: i cried reading what HotArmyGuy said to you. Oh my*** swoon.

  260.  #260Brenda on April 19, 2011 at 10:42 am


    RE: #253 – brendaearthlink@yahoo.com

  261.  #261SummerBaby on April 19, 2011 at 11:25 am


    so very very happy for you.


  262.  #262Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 11:36 am

    This is a success story from the previous post. Thought it was worthwhile posting it here also.
    984: Turtle Girl says:
    Morning ladies!

    I don’t post that often anymore, life has changed so much and I am really busy with all of that.

    The man I met who proposed to me is in the process of moving up to my city (from over a 1000 miles away).
    I am so worth it…….lol (We all are so worth it!)

    Anyway, we have been house hunting and found a beautiful one and are in negotiation process to buy it.

    My how my life has changed since I found this site over a year and a half ago.

    I have met the man I am going to more than likely spend the rest of my life with. We are true kindred souls.
    If you are familiar with Arielle Ford’s book The Soulmate Secret-I used her method and he showed up
    in the exact month my waking vision said he would.
    All very amazing stuff. I made my list of what I wanted and he is pretty much that. He treats me with the utmost respect and kindness.

    And I owe it in no small part to Rori and her work, (thank you Rori!) and all you beautiful sirens here. Your wisdom, strength, mistakes, riffing, changes, willingness to be real and all the rest has been a real learning and growing experience for me. Even the times where we women have shared vastly different viewpoints and such, have been the source of change and growth. Seems we worked through it and agreed to disagree and care for one another anyway. And that is all very good stuff. It has been a joy to watch other women change and grow. A true joy. I see it in the way they write and the things they say. What a beautiful process, like rose bud evolving and unfolding.

    I feel scared, but have faith in everything working out.
    I feel excited and happy. And this feels right. The vibe is totally right. I feel some days overjoyed with gratitude for my life and all that I have. I am so very lucky in so many ways.

    We don’t have a “wedding date” set, but that will come in due time. Not an issue, and no icky vibe around it at all. It is a very different vibe this time around and some of that is due to being over fifty.
    We both have grown children and are looking at this whole experience from a different perspective than we did at 25 or 30 or even 40. But at any age, I still feel the vibe that RR talks about so much is so important. Our energy comes across to others, to the men we date and to everyone in our life. Cleaning that up, getting clear, being authentic and moving forward with your one beautiful precious life is the ticket in being happy, with or without “him”.

    So enough rambling. I wish everyone here the best,
    maybe will post again after I move and after the wedding. I have lots to do these days. lol Much love to all. xxxooo
    Turtle Girl )

  263.  #263Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Wow! I’m noticing that I feel triggered by this talk of people not responding to posts or being active on FB.

    I feel sensitive to this because it has been a reoccurring theme in my life. I tend to go through periods of being really social and then being really quiet and introspective.

    It has often caused confusion with my friends who think it is personal. It almost never is personal. I just sometimes have to recharge myself by going within. It’s the way I was made.

    I feel bad. I feel inadequate. I feel weird.

    I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t want to question my process. I don’t want to feel bad about myself.

    I wonder how I can turn this around?
    I wonder what it would feel like to not feel bad about this quality I have of sometimes feeling social and sometimes not.

    I feel excited. This has been coming up quite a bit lately in my life. I feel excited that means clarity is on it’s way. All I need is a reframe.

    Also, this is not about anyone here. Some comments just triggered some personal insecurities I have and that I wan to let go of.

  264.  #264LD on April 19, 2011 at 11:43 am


    LMAO at reading “HotHornyGuy” for HotArmyGuy! I almost choked when I read that post!

    Let’s just say that he doesn’t come off as a horny teenager like ministerCD did for awhile, and has made it very clear that sex is only a part of what he wants with me, but that he is “sufficiently” horny. LOL : )

    Last night he looked into my eyes the whole time while we had sex. YUMMY!

  265.  #265Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I love all the positive success stories that I’m reading here! Even though I don’t feel like I am one right now, it still gives me hope and confidence in the process and that when it is the right time for me, it will definitely all come together, as it will for all of us 🙂

  266.  #266Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Congratulations Turtle Girl. I feel so happy reading your update. I wish you the very best!!

  267.  #267LD on April 19, 2011 at 11:46 am


    I’m the same way. I go through periods of being social and then periods where I keep more to myself. I used to feel guilty about the quiet times when friends or family would feel neglected, but now I’ve accepted that that’s who I am and that the quiet times recharge me and make me a better friend, daughter, mother etc for the social times.

  268.  #268Mel on April 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Big news! I found out late yesterday that I got the job! I start after the Easter long weekend. Yay! 🙂

    And to make a great day even better, my husband came home with a bouquet of flowers for me as a congratulations. I was touched!

    Things are sure starting to turn around for me… thank you ladies for your continued support! I’m sure I’ll still have setbacks and a ton of questions, but I’m finally starting to have some confidence back! 🙂

    {{Tears of happiness}}

  269.  #269Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

    LD – haha. I’m glad you thought it was funny! 😉

    ArmyGuy sounds a lot more directed and sure about what he wants with you than MinisterCD, even though it seemed you like the Minister guy a lot. (and funny that you describe him as the horny teenager! lol) But I guess it just goes to show that if you stick with it, you end up getting what you really want! ((hugs)) xoxo 🙂

  270.  #270Simply Shannon on April 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    LG, I’m not on FB at all. (Deactivated it for Lent). And for the most part, I don’t miss it. I’ve had some folks tell me they miss me (which is completely flattering), but I don’t have this deep desire to be back on FB. (Other than to see what all the sirens look like!) And there’s definitely no guilt associated with it. It’s like having a neutral “no” in my pocket.

    So maybe tell yourself the story that you’re just on a break from FB? It’s nothing personal, just a break.

    Do you need to be on FB? Is that true? 😉

  271.  #271AMAZINGME on April 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I am the same in many ways as you other sirens but I tend to shut down and do my own thing away from everyone. Just my way of focusing on me:) Giving myself time to heal from the death of my grandparents and study for a life changing test. I don’t think that is bad or selfish at all.Sometimes just much needed to do my own thing, Yes I miss my friends and doing things but I have a goal and when i PASS it I can be more free.

  272.  #272LD on April 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm


    I do like ministerCD alot, and I did get what I wanted. I wrote on my list last year that I wanted 3 great guys to choose from and I got 2. I was feeling better after giving ministerCD feeling messages about the sex thing and he has stopped doing it since then and shown me tons of respect. He really is a good guy and I feel lucky to have met him. I feel amazed I also got my wish of being able to feel physically attracted to more than one CD at a time. But D (HotArmyGuy) stepped up AND it just feels right.

    I’m not looking forward to telling ministerCD that I’ve become exclusive with D. Not sure how to do it because I’ve never been in this position before.

  273.  #273Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Thanks SS and LD and DE (for emailing me):

    Now that I am aware of how much I beat myself up over this, I can heal it and that feels good.

    I feel tired of beating myself up. No more!

    Thanks for your input. I’m soaking it all in.

  274.  #274tinque on April 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Huge congratulations Turtle Girl, YAY!!!


  275.  #275Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Turtle Girl posted a huge WIN!! on another thread – love it and you, TG!!! CONGRATULATIONS!

    Happy day, all darlings today….


  276.  #276tinque on April 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    More congratulations Mel, though I knew it was yours, just did.


  277.  #277tinque on April 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Laughing Goddess – Many women and men too likely go through periods like this, myself included. It’s a GOOD thing. The quiet times are times for recharging and for integrating. For blossoming. Love those times.


  278.  #278Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    lol…Tinque! and I like facebook – I find a lot of friends of friends with unique and amazing content, really artistic, or they are actually artists and so cool!

    And wow! your new pix – I like it, it’s provacative and oh, the hair and the eyes….but at the same time it doesn’t “feel” like the you I thought I knew.

    Fascinating – you multi faceted gemstone woman!

  279.  #279Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    When I had those periods of having to have my alone time, my thinking my thoughts, my teasing out what do I really believe time – which without it, I’m just reacting, not initiating from authenticity/! I read several of the Highly Sensitive Persons books…

    And gladly decided I wasn’t HS. But it is a very human condition – in his book, like from highschool? – I remember Victor Frankyl (Man’s Search for Meaning) talking about staying awake in the middle of the night in a concentration camp just to have his time to think his thoughts.

    I’ve always felt good knowing it was universal since then.

    Have a great rest of the day everyone,


  280.  #280Mercedes on April 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    WOW! Such happiness!! LD, Turtle Girl, Mel….awesome stuff ladies!

    Much Love,

  281.  #281Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    LD – I’ve never been in that position before either! lol. But I’m guessing, if you’ve come this far, you can apply feeling messages and authenticity (and staying relaxed) to that conversation as well. If you’re sure about what’s right for you, then he’ll understand, because he still wants you to be happy 🙂

  282.  #282Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Mel, that is amazing!! how important do you think the actual checking of references was? Because I have 4 letters but none of the people are even in the busines anymore, and I’ve wondered if that would be an issue….YOU ROCK!!! Passed the computer tests, the references…like you were the start the whole time and just had to keep the faith!

    LD – happy for you, too, darlin!

  283.  #283Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    LD – nice of you to wonder about the speech…so awful to hear it’s not you…

    Maybe – Someone’s swept me off my feet and it might be the real deal. We’ve decided to be exclusive and see. I’ve so enjoyed making a friend of you and*** ….. / or Just wanted you to be one of the first to know and hope you’ll be happy for me –

    ***well whatever you want to happen – I hope you find what you’re looking for, I hope we stay friends….

    Great problem to have!

  284.  #284Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Mel – you were the star.haha

  285.  #285Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    261: LG~

    I am the same way. I look at the quiet, introspective times as taking care of myself and not at neglectful to others. When I have them and someone prods me, I tell them that it is in my best interest and that I will be in touch soon. I literally don’t answer telephone calls or anything. Unless of course, it’s #1 Guy; (my son).

    A time of recharge, and my whole being is telling me that it’s time to rest and regroup. These times usually include a whole bunch of pampering too.



  286.  #286Diana on April 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    If a man or woman cannot truly move forward from their past relationship(s), then he is not truly “available.” A clear establishment of boundaries and hierarchy of values needs to be clearly set. You have not clearly established that boundary with him. How is this honoring your heart, building trust, creating a safe place for love to grown in your heart? It doesn’t. How long would a decent, strong man tolerate this from a woman? He wouldn’t. If he is not strong by himself as an individual person, then he has not emotionally matured. Cry? A man wants to see a woman cry? Stop. You have been shown this as a message from above– before you invest more time and energy into this weak man. If he’s putting up with her, it’s NOT over for him. She’s feeding his ego and you aren’t “special” enough to make it stop. You deserve a stronger man in your life who will not be subject to emotional games. Get over him. Don’t cry, set a boundary and then walk. If he values you, he should not play games with your heart. Ever. Not at the beginning, middle or end of a relationship. Cry? Oh, please…………….

  287.  #287Mel on April 19, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Hi Jacqueline,

    I provided them with three reference letters, but they still requested three telephone references (could be the same or different). They called all three of them.

    It could be that reference letters are a good way to get an interview, but they actually want to talk to a real person to be able to ask specific questions.

  288.  #288Mel on April 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Every time you feel miserable, ask yourself, without any self-judgment, ‘What am I trying to control?”

    Just read this in the Inner Bonding newsletter.


  289.  #289Prairie Girl on April 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    okeedokee…. RM told me to call him this am to let him know if I arranged babysitting and all was on for tonight… I did… I just got a text saying “got your message I’ll c u between 8:30 and 9″….

    I actually feel calmer… and peaceful… I just couldn’t stand another cancellation disappointment… I straightened the house telling myself it’s just because it needed to be done… My hair is NOT cooperating and I told myself if I hear he’s coming I’ll take the straight iron to it…

    Now I feel like I can just relax and enjoy him.. enjoy myself… and look for the messages…. and maybe any interesting stories for my blog… lol….

    For example..he’s bringing his dogs cause they are his babies (cattle dogs) and he doesn’t have a babysitter for them… His truck doesn’t have a back seat… get a visual?….Don’t you just know I’m gonna have a story to tell about that? I won’t wear black that’s for sure….lol….This is gonna be fun!

    I am the air he needs to breathe… oh and I am the air *I* need to breathe too….

    Iowa is not gonna love this…he was SOOOO happy w/each cancellation last week…

    Angels on your bodies..

  290.  #290Turtle Girl on April 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Morning ladies!

    I don’t post that often anymore, life has changed so much and I am really busy with all of that.

    The man I met who proposed to me is in the process of moving up to my city (from over a 1000 miles away).
    I am so worth it…….lol (We all are so worth it!)

    Anyway, we have been house hunting and found a beautiful one and are in negotiation process to buy it.

    My how my life has changed since I found this site over a year and a half ago.

    I have met the man I am going to more than likely spend the rest of my life with. We are true kindred souls.
    If you are familiar with Arielle Ford’s book The Soulmate Secret-I used her method and he showed up
    in the exact month my waking vision said he would.
    All very amazing stuff. I made my list of what I wanted and he is pretty much that. He treats me with the utmost respect and kindness.

    And I owe it in no small part to Rori and her work, (thank you Rori!) and all you beautiful sirens here. Your wisdom, strength, mistakes, riffing, changes, willingness to be real and all the rest has been a real learning and growing experience for me. Even the times where we women have shared vastly different viewpoints and such, have been the source of change and growth. Seems we worked through it and agreed to disagree and care for one another anyway. And that is all very good stuff. It has been a joy to watch other women change and grow. A true joy. I see it in the way they write and the things they say. What a beautiful process, like rose bud evolving and unfolding.

    I feel scared, but have faith in everything working out.
    I feel excited and happy. And this feels right. The vibe is totally right. I feel some days overjoyed with gratitude for my life and all that I have. I am so very lucky in so many ways.

    We don’t have a “wedding date” set, but that will come in due time. Not an issue, and no icky vibe around it at all. It is a very different vibe this time around and some of that is due to being over fifty.
    We both have grown children and are looking at this whole experience from a different perspective than we did at 25 or 30 or even 40. But at any age, I still feel the vibe that RR talks about so much is so important. Our energy comes across to others, to the men we date and to everyone in our life. Cleaning that up, getting clear, being authentic and moving forward with your one beautiful precious life is the ticket in being happy, with or without “him”.

    So enough rambling. I wish everyone here the best,
    maybe will post again after I move and after the wedding. I have lots to do these days. lol Much love to all. xxxooo
    Turtle Girl 😮 )

  291.  #291Mercedes on April 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Diana (284): I’m with ya. I used different words, but I agree…in this case, crying is going to be a needy and weak approach when in reality a good strong dose of “I refuse to put up with this” is in order. I’m with you on the walking away. If this man isn’t strong enough or ready enough to leave an ex then life with him will be hurtful and will be shared with other women. That might be good for some, but for me…nope…I’d have to walk away and find someone who isn’t clinging to and hiding his relationship with another woman.

  292.  #292Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Mel – yeah I agree and not sure what to do about it, except in the apt. industry management and ownership changes are standard. Was wondering if I should keep presenting the letters, but they’re on company letterhead and it’s all I’ve got.

    One of the probs of working for an individual owner for 17 years, too.

    It’s not stopped me before though. I think it’s going to be more of a problem of being overqualified – if that’s the first thing two people said to me, more of them have GOT to be thinking it.

    Which kind of locks me into top spot where I no longer want to be. Plus all those personality things test me out as “leader, motivator, etc.” More locking!

    Boyfriend got a good long term thing tho – so as long as I am willing to put up with him…lalala….it’s okay.

    I got EMK’s eletter today and man, the guy GETS me!! Wow, it’s like he’s inside my head. The letter is all about tin man vs lion and if you’re in the 97th percentile and your guy is 87 it might work better than when you go after the tall shiny guy without a heart. It’s like reading MY LIFE….just blown away.

    And a little afraid to mention it but that would be unfair to him. I am just really really glad that someone else has thought this all out – stuff I’ve been mulling on for a year and a half – and clearly linearly written it out for my after the fact enlightenment. It feels miraculous, marvelous, exciting, anticipating, admiring….a lot of things – and it feels like some of my ambivilance will clear up faster too with this validation of my actual experience.

    I feel really excited and happy.

  293.  #293Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    And, Hi! Kaitlyn…you were right on with the thyroid – mine’s barely under 5! Going to up the T3 and still looking for you every day. Hug!!

  294.  #294Turtle Girl on April 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Ok I re posted not realizing someone copied and re posted this already. Apologies!

    And thanks to all for the encouragement!

  295.  #295mariposa0825 on April 19, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    @ Mercedes….I have read a few of your posts and totally agree with all of your comments. You sound like you have the wisdom of women I have been fortunate enough to meet that have guided me through hard times in relationships; and made me realize that it is better to be alone and somewhat lonely at times than with someone who makes you miserable and creates constant problems.

    He does seem like someone that either does not have a strong enough sense of self to eventually walk away from being used and manipulated, or in my opinion is simply feeding this woman lies so he can continue to run between both of them. I have grown up around men like this and have come to notice the ways in which they speak about women to other women so they can continue to the play the victim. But all the while, they are truly the manipulators themselves. I am willing to bet that the latter is true.

    The post by turquoise3 shows how two manipulators stay in connection with each other and pretty much use a situation to their own advantage. She brags about the hold she has on her ex, their history, everything he does for her, and has no respect for his fiance since she is still having some sort of physical relationship with him. Women and men who play these games love the attention and sense of power they get from these circumstances ( I have such a powerful hold on him that he/she won’t be faithful to his girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband) but will never step to the plate to really resolve the situation and form an honest relationship together. They thrive on knowing that someone else is suffering for their own gain. It is very sad.

    I hope that Martine is reading these posts and learning how these dynamics play out before she finds herself left embarrassed and alone while he continues to run behind a woman who will never give him true fulfillment (then again that is probably what he wants). I agree that she should just simply walk away because she will not win in this situation, no matter what she does. Everyone makes mistakes and I am guilty of quite a few, but to keep a situation like this going is deplorable. She is just being played. Martine, if you are reading this, change your number and run!!!!!

  296.  #296mariposa0825 on April 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    @Diana (284)…..You truly inspire me to make better decisions just like Mercedes. I love the comment and how you view the situation. I would love to see more posts from you.

  297.  #297Mercedes on April 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    mariposa0825: You are very sweet and I am honestly flattered. Thank you!

    Little disclaimer though: I have learned a lot from some HUGE mistakes. I’m still learning all the time (which is why I still hang out here with Rori) and I’m certainly a work in progress. Some things I refuse to work on because I like those things about me and other things are a pretty constant focus. It’s a journey though and even through the mistakes, I intend to enjoy mine to the fullest. 🙂

    Thank you again for your kind words…you certainly made me smile.

    Much Love,

  298.  #298Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Yes, Turtle Girl, that is amazing!

    I loved that you used the Soulmate Secret as well. I don’t have the book, but I listened to Arielle Ford talk about the process recently, and decided to try it out myself, just to see what would happen. Well, something happened. But I kind of skipped, or breezed over step #2 (where you ask yourself, is this the right time?) Well, I wasn’t sure if it was a the right time for me, so I figured if it was, then the Universe would send something to me, and if it wasn’t, then it wouldn’t. So about two days later, after I did the sequence, this amazingly hot guy showed up out of the blue and chatted me on Ok Cupid. We talked and eventually met, and it was fantastic. He, too, had all of the qualities that I had written down in my list. Except, in the end, I don’t think it was the right time for me, and I still haven’t quite cleared out all the “blockages,” so it didn’t stick. Even though he really seemed to like me. This was about a month ago.

    Fast forward to today. I decided to put my OKC profile back up, after having it down for about a month while I worked on sorting some things out for myself. In the meantime, I’ve been texting/chatting with the guy (this was Diwali, from some earlier posts. we eventually got back in touch), but nothing really came out of it. Two days ago, I sent him some pictures he said he wanted. At first I said no, and then I reconsidered, and decided that I wanted to send them, for my own reasons. They were kind of (intentionally) alluring. But I had no agenda.

    He said: Are you trying to change my mind?
    Me: Why, is it changing?
    Him: Maybe.

    He sent me one photo back, and said I was hot, but that was about it. I contacted him yesterday, and he said he was seeing someone else and that he “liked her.” And this is a day after he was about to “change his mind.” (Not that I had an idea that his mind needed changing.) So I said okay, and left it at that.

    But it did something to me. His response opened up a floodgate of emotion that I had known was there, but didn’t know how to release. It actually felt sweet and lovely, like I was opening up and feeling soft inside, so I enjoyed it and let it flow. I know I shouldn’t have been the one to contact him. But even though I don’t feel “stuck” on him, like I need him and only him – there are loads of amazing guys out there – in the back of my mind, I know that there was my list, there was my “Calling in the One” process, and then – there was him! So even though he tells me that he’s seeing someone else, it doesn’t bother me. It has nothing to do with me. And since my pictures almost made him change his mind, I feel like there is something “there” even though he says there isn’t. My process right now is just to be gentle and patient with myself while I try to find and release any other blockages that I’m holding onto, or false beliefs about myself and relationships that are holding me back. Not because I want to be with him, just because it’s important to me. It’s hard work!

    And I planned to just put up my profile today, and see who checked me out. I only visited one guy’s profile page. And then I looked at the list of visitors. As I scrolled down, there he was (Diwali). He had visited the day before I took my profile down. That was the day I got my tattoo, and the day before everything else in my life seemed to come crashing down at once – including what was going on with him, which had been pretty positive up to that point.

    I felt so affected by just seeing his face. I wanted to look at his profile again, just to see, but I didn’t, because I knew that he would be able to see that I’d done it, and I didn’t want him to block me or something. It was more nostalgic than anything else. But I just felt like this dark, tight feeling close around my head. Like I don’t know the answer to the question. I don’t even know the question that was asked. I don’t know this person. And yet, I know so much. And we’ve had a relationship (of sorts) outside of this site. I was embarrassed about how some of the things had gone between us. I wish I could take some of it back and just be the cool, relaxed, confident, radiant woman that I want to be – the woman he saw when he met me, after being attracted by my profile in the first place.

    Reading your post, TG, made me think again about how powerful that “Calling in the One” sequence can be. And yet I have so many questions. Was he really right for me, or was it an illusion? He does seem to have all the qualities I desire – and then some. But if he was “right” then wouldn’t he “stick”? You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man, etc. *sigh*

    It seems there is a fine line, or at least a direct relation of some kind, between recognizing “the One” when he shows up, and letting him recognize you. I think I need to shoot for the second part of that.

    Well, time to get back on the horse. I’ve had my time off, and I’ve even been on a couple of dates recently. But even if it’s not “time” for me yet to settle down and find the one I need to be with, I still think I’m ready to get back out and keep exploring.

  299.  #299Angel Lady on April 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Queenbee – Re 156. I have found the idea of circular dating MEN at times overwhelming and inauthentic. When I feel this way, I circular date myself. That feels good. Funny thing is, it usually leads me to men…lol. Then a more natural way into CDing men. Then it feels good.

    Maybe that can help you too?

  300.  #300Angel Lady on April 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    I received the Inner Bonding message today on control too.

    It felt powerful for me to ask myself this question today as well…

    “When I am miserable, ask myself, what am I trying to control?”

    Led me to some good answers for myself today. Hard to look at but good.

    (sigh) It really is all about me isn’t it. lol. DAMMIT!


  301.  #301Ella on April 19, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    LD – Wow!

    He dounds like he really gets it!


    Enjoy. xxx

  302.  #302Ella on April 19, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Urghh – I mean ‘sounds!’.

  303.  #303Ella on April 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Hey Sirens,

    I did my fist Zumba class.

    Only 2 people came! 🙁

    Despite loads of promotion on my part. My other business is also progressing really slowly right now and it sometimes feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back!

    Urgh, so furstrating.

    AND now the ante has been upped because I am moving out of my parents again at the end of the month and will need to start payinig proper rent again!

    I feel scared.

    What if I cannot make enough money?

    I want to continue doing what I love and I feel anxious.

    But I also feel a kind of steely determination. Like I am not going to give up. I am just going to keep trying different ways until I make it work.

    I just hope this is a wise decision and not misplaced determination!

    I was speaking to my mum and we ended up having a really good authentic conversation about that and the general situation at home.

    Her partner is also struggling with big debt due to the recession and some other stuff so things are kinda tough.

    Also he is scheduled for a major op soon and his son is terminally ill.

    So things feel kinda hard right now.

    I feel a lot of pressure to make things work, although mum says she doesn’t want me to feel burdened by the other probs in the family.

    I just want to make enough money to make sure she is ok (and me obviously too).

    Its just she has worked so hard all her life and I really want her to be comfortable and relaxed in her retirement.

    Think maybe I need to do some visualization to bring in wealth and money.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Also just on how to make a successful business from what you are passionate about?

  304.  #304Rusty on April 19, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    @#4 The Lurker

    “Crying is only natural. But don’t overdo it. Most men see too much crying as a female tool to manipulate them. And that doesn’t go down well. Almost nobody wants his girlfriend/wife to create a daily drama.”

    I agree that if the woman is constantly crying, it is not good, but if she is really hurting, it is by far a better thing to allow her emotions to go to crying than lashing out.

    Lashing out only crates more drama and as I have said, the knight becomes defensive, not chivalrous.

  305.  #305Angel Lady on April 19, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Hi Ella,

    I hear your fear and also your determination. I can understand both. Remember what garden you want to tend….what thoughts you want to water. The abundant ones? or the scarcity ones? I know easier said than done sometimes, but oh so powerful!

    Keep envisioning all the people walking in your door. giving you checks and cash. See the universe delivering abundance to you.

    I use this powerful affirmation.. “Abundance flows through me now”.

    That helps me settle down and receive. Open your arms and receive… literally. Do it now if you want. Open up those arms… take a deep breathe and tell the universe you are ready to receive now.


  306.  #306Ella on April 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Re the FB thing –

    I really want to be friends with Sirens and esp to see what everyone look like!

    Feels kinda exciting.

    On the other hand I feel a little bit anxious about it because I want to keep that part of my life with all my friends who know me separate from the blog, as I talk so openly and candidly about my life here.

    I keep thinking what if one of the Sirens recommended one of the threads here on FB and some of my friends saw it and followed the link and then saw everything I have written on here.

    I have work colleagues who are friends on FB too.

    I feel vulnerable about this.

    What do other Sirens think?

    Maybe I should change my gravatar for anonymity and on the other hand I quite like having my pic up here!

    Would love to just be me and like blah to the world, this is it, take it or leave it. But I feel too afraid to have some of the people who know me on FB reading the personal stuff I have written here!


    Any input gratefully recieved.

  307.  #307Rusty on April 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    HotAlphaMale circled back around. Hasn’t changed his tune. Haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and he still is wanting me to get together with him to have sex to see if we are compatible BEFORE he gets serious.

    @#31: Lilybelle

    “This is the reason I booted him off my horse, and off my horse, he remains. There is no kind of FM or anything that works this way. I told him I felt disrespected and it went right over his head, completely ignored, to which he responded, invite me over.

    I told him that felt awful and wished him luck in his adventures.

    I feel dirty and need a shower.”

    WOW! Very proud of you for having enough self respect for yourself that you don’t compromise your values just because the guy is hot.

    I would like to hear more details about this because from what you wrote, the guy has no respect for you whatsoever. he reminds me of how some of the guys I knew would say that by acting like an Alpha male it got you what you wanted and that it’s many women like the Alpha male thing. there is a difference between an actual Alpha male and a player acting like one.

  308.  #308Ella on April 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Angel Lady

    Thanks so much for your support!

    Feels really good.


    Yes I am ready to receive…

    and although the work here on the blog and with Rori tends to be men and relationship focused… I beleive what we learn here can apply and help us with life in general!


  309.  #309Jilly on April 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Maripost0825….WOW…i feel really angry…talking bad about other women who post here is not how it’s done on this blog

  310.  #310mali on April 19, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Re: Ella 303

    I can understand why you’d feel afraid. It’s based more on how you feel, and that’s what matters.
    For me, having Sirens on my account acts as a balm, it soothes me when I may feel sad when on FB. Seeing their pics reminds me that there are people there who are on a similar journey to mine. Sometimes I feel as if people don’t “get” it.

    In terms of disclosing info form the Blog, I think it’s been mentioned that everyone would eachother to be careful and not make references to Siren Land, or to any of our perosonal stories 🙂 I personally don’t think it’s going to be a problem!

  311.  #311Jilly on April 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Ella….i agree with Mali…

    i was feeling nervous about it too…but now i feel comfortable about it…and i want to be open and transparent to the world…but then again i don’t lol
    but it feels good to have added sirens to my FB..just me though 🙂 and good luck with your businesses!

    k gotta run….a lot of times by the time i catch up i have to get going…(big sigh) oh well..be back later!

    hotpilot is on his way..we are cooking dinner and hopefully hot tubbin’ too…YUM! 😉

    LD!!!yay!! eye contact sex!!! YUM!

    k ladies have a good night!! 🙂

  312.  #312islandgirl on April 19, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    mariposa0825 – I believe you have misread and/or misunderstood someone elses post and I am feeling angry and confused. It feels really icky to see someone written about when they seem to have been misunderstood.

  313.  #313Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    LD and Turtle Girl:

    I felt tearful this morning reading your posts…You ladies made my day 🙂 I felt so happy for you…couldn’t wait to get home to share this with you…

    Big warm hugs,

  314.  #314Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm


    So happy to hear about your job and that your relationship with your husband is improving 🙂 Just awesome 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  315.  #315Lilybelle on April 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm



    I feel good to hear that from you..

    I USED to be one of those women who would or could be swayed by a pretty face. But, I finally got smart. Better late than never. 😉

    Oh and I told him that I felt completely disrepected and of course, he said he felt the same way because “before “we” (WHAT??) are exclusive, I need to know that we are sexually compatible.” I told him (and this is from when we first met a couple months ago) that I wasn’t talking about exclusivity with him. I didn’t go on many dates with him, I kicked him off my horse because no matter what I said, no matter whether I used FM’s or whether I just came out and told him he was backwards, nothing and I mean nothing, I said was heard by him. And of course, I got the guilt in response when I told him that wasn’t an option, that I feel better to be dated, taken out for dinner (See, you want something from me..) and that I wasn’t going to allow him to treat me in that manner and wished him good luck.

    Then he showed up again yesterday. I hadn’t contacted him at all, of course. And honestly, hadn’t given him a thought since then. I knew I was being disrespected and I just simply wasn’t going to allow that in my space again, ever. Same thing yesterday, “I felt something with you, let’s go out again.” And the whole thing started all over, leaving me feel dirty and needing a shower. 😉

    Mind you, I am not a prude but that is a completely bass ackwards way to look at dating. What I can’t figure out is, why he would circle back around to me after not speaking for this long. He knew where I stood, I did not keep it a secret. Why bother?

    I felt when we were out, I couldn’t match him. I couldn’t outgirl him no matter how I tried. I felt off balance and that had never happened to me before.
    And, it felt exhausting.


  316.  #316Darling Ella on April 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I reserve my right to cry…if I so feel…even if that is in front of a man…

    Crying as being a quality of the weakest…oh I feel so sad and heartbroken to hear some still believing in it…

    I imagine two women: both heartbroken, both feeling betrayed, and angry…

    One woman…clenching her fists…frown on her face…forward shoulders…shouting “It’s over” and she sure lets him have it…there are no tears…the anger and hate show on her face…or maybe total disconnect…cold…she resembles the imagine of the Sphinx…

    She moves on…yet, she carries her fears and betrayal along with her…she hasn’t healed…she’s got no time for that…she needs to strategize for her happiness…her heart has a “closed” sign on…Some dare to knock…she thinks too much…she talks too much…she knows it all…she tells him how and why… yet, she feels nothing…

    The other woman…her face expressing deep sadness and sorrow…tears flow like rivers down her face…she surrenders to her feelings…yet, she is standing tall…her voice is calm and peaceful…she say “It’s over”…and then, she moves on…This woman is a Queen and a Mother…This woman is a strong woman…to me…

    Tinque says”A man heals through the heart of a woman”…and keeping our hearts cold and closed will never happen…We set a precedent…

    Teaching a man a “lesson” with a closed heart…the lesson he learns…is fear…the next relationship will be built on fear…of messing it up again…and experiencing the same coldness, harshness, never good enough…walking on eggshells it would sure begin to build anger, resentment…and then, the vicious cycle starts all over again…

    Knowing the power to heal this world stands within me…the Woman…feels overwhelming…I feel tearful and joyful…what a wonderful responsibility…As long as we continue to perpetuate a world based on “teaching each other a lesson”…”tit for tat”…”an eye for an eye”…we will never heal…and resentment, anger, hate will continue…

    We are the messengers of love, we are created by the Mighty God for love…what a beautiful gift…and my gosh…we sure Women have the Power to Choose…and be the change we are seeking in others…

  317.  #317Tmizz on April 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    btw, sorry about my big long post. I had a lot I wanted to get off my chest. If anyone feels up to reading it and letting me know their thoughts, I’d be interested to hear – and impressed that you got through it! lol

    I agree with Mariposa0825. I think the problem is largely with the guy. I got the sense, when I was with my ex, that part of the reason he was so devoted to this other woman (his “best friend”) was that she was inaccessible – like I was before we dated. I think he liked me more when I was “inaccessible,” too (i.e. dating his friend). Once we were together, it was like he lost that special spark. Opening up to a guy like that does almost no good, because he just won’t appreciate getting to know the real you – he doesn’t want the real you. He wants to want you and not have you. The best thing you can do in that situation is to get out, and find a guy who is actually open and willing to have a real relationship – with a woman who is actually there with him.

    Ella – I was actually just thinking today about how much I love my Zumba class, and want to go back. It’s such a great mood booster. And hey, two people is two people. If you keep at it in a positive way, then more people will start to show up! I hope soon! 🙂

  318.  #318kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm


    Everything you’re saying resonates with me. The core of RR is learning your happiness and confidence comes from within you- not resting on the shoulders of a man to bring you there. My vibe has been a bit higher the past few days. My goal is to make it high again. For me. But not gonna lie, I want to connect with him again and hopefully he will be attracted to my inner light confidence. I hope he even LETS me connect with him. First, he’d have to answer the phone if I called, right?

    And 5 mins ago, I just put LIKE on his latest fb status about how great tour is going. I felt genuininely happy for him. And it’s been over a month since our fb LIKE exchange instigated by him that went nowhere and just stayed at an fb LIKE exchange. I didn’t even wish him happy 40th birthday. And I still have no idea if he ever picked up my Xmas gift to him, and if he did, who knows if he liked it.

  319.  #319kaitlyn on April 19, 2011 at 5:08 pm


    “Rori I have a question based on my observations about myself and two concepts that you teach. One is leaning back, being a girl and feeling letting energy to come to me and the other which you also teach which is being a rock, having boundaries and not letting my “pearls be thrown to swine.” So how do you do this?”

    That’s eternal paradox of this entire blog. Stick around; you’ll figure out more. /:)/

  320.  #320T-Girl on April 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    OMG LD, I am so excited for you! You definitely have a winner! And it is sooooooo sexy when the guy gives you eye contact during sex… OMG…

  321.  #321T-Girl on April 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Turtle Girl and Mel! Good news all around on the blog today! Yay!!!!

  322.  #322The Lurker on April 19, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    #301 Rusty: “I agree that if the woman is constantly crying, it is not good, but if she is really hurting, it is by far a better thing to allow her emotions to go to crying than lashing out.
    Lashing out only crates more drama and as I have said, the knight becomes defensive, not chivalrous.”

    Hmm, dunno what’s better for the woman, imho both reactions are not helpful in a relationship, when this happens regularly. And from my male perspective, I would react on this with communicating there’s some going wrong. Which would probably not be well received, since I’m too rational in such moments. I could use advice about how to find the right tone, do you know a good website offering such relationship help for guys?

    Otherwise, if talking fails, defense mode, right. As in “tactical retreat” or even “strategical retreat”.

    Btw, trying to make a feeling message:
    I feel discussions between males on a blog that focusses on women helping themselves should be avoided as much as possible.

  323.  #323Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    roflmao!!! Lurker oh, my gosh….that’s what I was so thinking. I love it!!! And have you checked out Scott McKay? He’s the Chick Whisperer and the Man’s Man…and just an all around amazing guy. he’s at http://edumckaytion.com/blog/ and wow! his post that’s up is how to make women laugh and what to do when they cry. It’s a strange strange world we live in!!! Awestruck….

    I love it that you’re here, was just wondering about you….and the name…

    a man that can make someone laugh? Well, just remember Jessica Rabbit!!!!

    (and Hiya, Rusty too)

  324.  #324Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Oh sweet lurker, I love that you feel concerned about having male to male conversations on the blog.

    And I love that you tried to use a feeling message.

    If you don’t mind, I’d like to share something about feeling messages because there has been confusion here in the past. People have said that they don’t work but that is often because they aren’t using actual feeling messages.

    Technically your isn’t a feeling message because there is no actual feeling following the word feel.

    … I feel concerned because I think discussions between males on a blog that focusses on women helping themselves should be avoided as much as possible…

    I feel really appreciative your concern about the vibe here and I look forward to hearing more from you!

  325.  #325Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    RE 318 kaitlyn I see some things to celebrate in that first para.

  326.  #326Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Also, please forgive me for being a stickler for details. I just feel very passionate about feeling messages!

  327.  #327Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Mel: congrats on the job and improving vibes with hubby 🙂

  328.  #328Femininepower on April 19, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    RE 268 yyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  329.  #329Paula0126 on April 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Rori is right – while you’re working on a commitment, you’re still only dating. I learned this the hard way. I think regardless of what a man says, it is best to pay attention to what they do or don’t do. If he cares about you and is serious about pursuing a more committed relationship with you, he will find the courage, or as Rori would say, be “inspired” to pursue you, care more about your feelings and thereby be motivated to politely move away from his relationship with his ex and the “need to be needed.,” because he would not want to lose you. I like what Rori said. Just talk to him with feeling words and be honest about how you feel without making it about him. In the meantime, Martine, try and focus on yourself, go out, talk with other men (you can still date this guy), but please, don’t let get your heart anymore emotionally involved. Like I said, I learned this the hard way. There were red flags that though I know my ex liked me, he was not that into me as I was with him. He broke up with me but he still wants to talk and be friends. I did not want to be the “ex that keeps hanging around.” I want to keep whatever self-respect and dignity I have left. I will be honest, I love him very much (despite the red flags and him telling me that he is not in love with me when he broke up with me), but it is torture for me to hang around while he dates. Our last conversation, I told him that I am not angry with him, but I cannot be friends either. I admitted that I was in love with him and still is in love with him and that’s the reason why I can’t hang around while he dates. It’s just torture. It’s been close to 5 months now and I still cry and I still want him back. RORI, ANY ADVICE FOR HEALING A BROKEN HEART? I SO MUCH WANT TO CALL HIM BUT I KNOW THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR EITHER ONE OF US. I am sorry to use this thread of discussion to ask for help, but I am really desperate for help. I have your e-book and just recently ordered the Modern Siren. I am expecting it to come in the mail soon. Thanks a lot, Rori. I hope to hear from you.

  330.  #330T-Girl on April 19, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    329 Paula0126,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. A broken heart is not a fun thing to mend, but the best way is to take care of yourself, do things you like to do, and concentrate on you. Are you ready to date again? Put yourself online perhaps and start circular dating? For me, it has really helped me with my self esteem. When I divorced, I thought I was a middle-aged, frumpy, average “mom” that nobody would want but have since learned that I am a sexy, desirable woman that men want to be with. I never saw myself that way before. No, I haven’t found “the one” and still have issues to work on, but I love me so much more. The E-book and watching Modern Siren has really helped me alot as well and so has the monthly interviews. So it looks like you took a step in the right direction!

  331.  #331Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Hi, Paula! I’m sure you’ll get lots of great advice and for me – I went back and read all the old posts. There’s several about how we really have to move on without ever getting closure; Rori would say just put him on the back of your horse and ride on – he’ll drop off eventually. And in the meantime? find anything that makes you feel better – a spring flower, a long bath, a walk, a journaling…

    One girl came here and made a list…and then when you’re feeling bad you just pick something off that list.

    The only other thing I hope for you is that you can avoid contact with him – it’s really the ONLY way he’ll ever come back around if he’s going to – you moving forward and just falling in love with you and your life.

    And it’s hard, really hard – love doesn’t die. So you just keep the good part, the love, and you figure out how to move forward, or just get through your day – or even through the next 10 minutes.

    Thank you for sharing your story,


  332.  #332Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Lurker – guy speak for feelings?

    I feel awkward, nah
    I feel silly – maybe
    I feel lame – maybe
    I feel serious…I seriously feel, dude
    I feel laughably absurd
    I enjoy these women and …..
    I feel secure enough to….
    I feel weird….

    I am weirded out ….
    I feel a need…no, off track.

    Maybe don’t wants?

    I don’t want to feel weird

    I don’t know but I know I enjoy your company and hope you hang around. Not all tools have to be used at all times, feel speak is a great tool but not a requirement for being here!

    So – to all the guys I’ve said hello to here….singing Julio Iglesias…or something.

    Thanks guys!!


  333.  #333Jacqueline on April 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    ps. Paula – the threads are used for exactly what you’re here doing! The topics are nice, but the blog is for healing…welcome to your healing spot!

  334.  #334Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Paula: There is a saying

    “rejection is god’s protection”

    I was just thinking the other day how true this has proven to be in my life. Looking back on all the men who have broken my heart over the years, I can honestly say I am so thankful that I didn’t end up with any of them. Now that I am out of the haze I can see that they weren’t good matches for me.

    It feels good to love. We were made to love. It’s our very purpose on this planet. We get heartbroken when we think we will never love again.

    But the great news is there are lots and lots of people in this world to love. Keep your heart open.

    Your love is out there. The sooner you can let this go and move on, the sooner he will be able to find you!!!


  335.  #335Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I feel happy about having guys on the blog. I appreciate hearing their perspectives especially when they are making an effort to respect the way we try to communicate on the blog. I feel so good about that. I feel cherished and respected and safe.

    I also feel curious. I want to hear more. I want to know what they think about all of this.

    My curiosity feels insatiable.

  336.  #336Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Guys, If you feel inspired I would love to hear what attracts you to a woman? What makes you feel inspired to chase her and claim her? If there was one quality that you would encourage a woman to cultivate, what would it be?

  337.  #337Laughing Goddess on April 19, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Paula: I was just thinking of you and remembering a heartache remedy that I’ve have.

    I gather up all of the love stored up inside me for that one man and start generously dispersing it to others who need love. This is an energetic thing that I am visualizing in my head. I pour this love all over myself, all over people I pass on the streets, all over puppies, and flowers, people in the car next to me, whomever!

    I try to let that love flow. It seems to keep the heart open.

    Very important to remember to pour copious amounts on self!

    Also I try to practice lots and lots of gratitude for all the awesome things I do have. Sometimes when I am feeling bad, I notice that it’s because I’m not noticing all the wonder and magic that is happening around me.

    I’m thinking about you and wishing speedy heart healing!

    There is lots of love and joy waiting out there for you when you are ready. 🙂

  338.  #338RiverGirl on April 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Arrghh! I’m feeling frustrated and stuck and hoping for some input to help me shift things a bit with a fella I’m pretty keen on. I posted about this a couple of months ago so reposting some of what I wrote then.

    FEB 2011
    “There is a guy that I have been texting/IM/phoning for about a year. I feel really close to him sometimes (and I think he feels that too). I want more, but I need him to step up and ask for it. He shares a lot with me about his family and trusts me enough to share confidential business info with me. He doesn’t share that sort of thing easily and it feels good that he values my opinion.
    He has said that he wants to meet with me and get to know me better and I said I would like that too. He knows that I am dating other men but that I’m not exclusive with anyone. He has said we should marry and that we would be good for each other. I think he is having an “imaginary relationship” how can he know that..we have only met briefly years ago. Arghh!! I am so attracted to him!
    It seems like he wants to keep me at arm’s length though. Wants me to be there when he wants someone to share with, but often if I initiate he backs away. I felt like I was being too available to him so I said that I wasn’t going to do the all night facebook chat thing anymore. He texts a lot now, but goes quiet for a few days every now and then. That makes me feel very anxious.”

    BACK TO THE PRESENT…. very little has changed except that I almost never initiate these days and use FMs a lot more. He is texting more than ever and with a greater depth. I no longer feel anxious when I don’t hear from him but I do feel stuck and I would like to see if this “thing” we have going has legs.

    Up till now, I have stayed open and happy to hear from him, because that is truely how I feel when I get his texts..I often end our little convos early with soft FMs about feeling warm and sleepy etc etc.

    How do I create the space for him to miss me without shutting him out or ignoring him? Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can step things up with him without leaning forward?

  339.  #339Brenda on April 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm


    RE: #303 – You said, “Think maybe I need to do some visualization to bring in wealth and money.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Also just on how to make a successful business from what you are passionate about?”

    I highly recommend Siena, who used to be on this blog and now is occasionally. She is a business coach for women, and her website is joyful support. Your questions are right up her alley.

    About Zumba, it started in Colombia, and it took some time to catch on in the US. Now it’s becoming a household word! And the classes are packed! Run a session or two out in a crowded public place, and it’ll spread fast! It’s so much fun!

  340.  #340Brenda on April 19, 2011 at 11:08 pm


    Re: #338 – How about something like this:

    “It feels good to hear from you, and I feel tired of texting. I don’t want to have a text-only relationship. What do you think?”

    You could see how he responds, and if he still doesn’t get it, maybe something like this:

    “It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. I don’t want to text anymore. What do you think?”

    Does this help?

  341.  #341RiverGirl on April 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    Thanks Brenda,

    I feel a bit scared to say “I don’t want to have a text only relationship” because I don’t really see it as a relationship per se and I think that might put him into defence mode. He is a bit ‘gun shy’.

    Your second suggestion feels good though. Perhaps if I mix them a bit and say something like:

    “I feel happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. What do you think?”

  342.  #342RiverGirl on April 19, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Or maybe it would be better to say

    “I always feel so happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. What do you think?”

    Leave it up to him to suggest what could be done about it.

  343.  #343Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:11 am


    Yours are good too. Here are some more that I saved previously. I just emailed them to myself from my old computer, because I haven’t transferred my files yet to my new computer:

    i feel sad… I don’t want a text only relationship.

    It feels nice to hear from you; I prefer we talk in human, what do you think?

    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet… what do you think?”
    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet. I don’t want an email-only relationship. What do you think?”

    Thanks for the message – I have decided to give up text-messaging – I like you and feel better when I can talk with you.

    Thanks for the text – just not the same as great conversation up close and personal! What do you think?


    I feel interested in getting to know you. It would feel good to answer your questions in person. Sometimes email feels so impersonal. What do you think?


    It feels so good that you want to know me better and I feel nervous saying this because I don’t want that to change, but it would feel so much better and more fun to talk about that over the phone or in person. After all, we form dating relationships in search of a deeply personal, satisfying relationship and e-mail just feels, well, too impersonal.

  344.  #344Meemee on April 20, 2011 at 12:34 am

    It has been three days since X texted me saying that he will arrange the money in 3 days.
    It a week since I asked for money
    No news from him
    I feel angry
    I dont feel like asking for it again
    I dont feel like letting him get away without paying for the expenses eiher

  345.  #345sophie on April 20, 2011 at 12:56 am

    Can I use paypal? As I have no credit card but interest in the e book.


  346.  #346Tmizz on April 20, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Meemee –

    I think I’ve missed something in the interim. I remember that X was offering to pay, and you weren’t sure if you wanted that.

    It sounds like you have agreed, and now he is making overtures, but perhaps dragging his heels. I’d say the one thing to not do is to hound him about it.

    But I just want you to know that I feel what you are feeling right now, because I’ve been there before – where a guy promises something, and then drags his feet as if you are “making” him do it. And all you want to do is get on his case and make it happen. But that NEVER works for me…

    And I’m not sure what the guy mechanism is for this, but I know that it is super frustrating.

    But he said 3 days, and it’s only been 3 days. It could be that he forgot. Maybe there is a hang-up on his end. If it’s a lot of money, maybe it’s just challenging for him to do. It could be emotional for him as well.

    There could be any number of things going on that you don’t know about. If you say “where’s the money?” it might make him feel worse about whatever is going on for him, and you want him to give this to you freely. You don’t want to be forcing it out of him. He offered, and he said he would do it. Give him at least a little more time to follow through.

    In the mean time, is the bill paid for and he’s paying you back? Is there a deadline that you need to meet? if he doesn’t pay for some reason, can you pay it yourself? This is just to consider in terms of your “vibe” and whether or not you feel like you “need” him to pay. It may be the right thing for him to do. But remember that he already knows that it’s the right thing for him to do. You don’t need to remind him. And remember that you weren’t sure you even wanted him to do it. Maybe you will be better off if he doesn’t? There are many possibilities.

    I know how hard it is to not fixate on something like this. Try not to let yourself fall into the trap. Get a glass of wine and watch your favorite movie. Cuddle with a pet, if you have one. Go for a walk. Do anything for yourself that will make you happy, and perhaps while you are not thinking about it, the right answer will come to you.

    You’re strong. I believe in you!


  347.  #347LD on April 20, 2011 at 5:22 am

    LG and Jaqueline,

    Great advice for Paula! It’s so hard to see past the pain of a broken heart or sting of rejection, but it’s so true that if we let go of closure and keep our hearts open and love ourselves even greater things happen for us.

    I know just a few months ago I was incessantly overanalyzing what happened to IntenseChemistryGuy who poofed on me, and once I decided to just let go of the need for closure with him and stop focusing on the outcome with any man, D came into my life. He is a better man than I ever dreamed I would have. I posted on here before that it feels almost like I custom ordered him from a catalog, and I can’t even imagine being with any of the men who poofed or rejected me or broke my heart now. If I had known D was around the corner and how easy and good things could really feel with a man, I wouldn’t have wasted 2 1/2 years pining over THE EX. I can’t even imagine that I once thought he was perfect for me now, and he was one of the good ones.

    I firmly believe that it takes a combination of chemistry, compatibility and timing to make things work in a relationship. I have so often in my life been a “two out of three aint bad” girl and settled when one of the three was missing. But now I realize how much time and energy I’ve spent trying to force those square pegs into round holes and then wondered why the edges weren’t smooth.

    The difference with D from the over 100 men I’ve CDed in the past 2 1/2 years is that we have all three. The chemistry was strong from the first second we met. We are so compatible that it feels like we’ve known each other forever and is just easy to be together. We laugh constantly. AND we are in the same place in our lives, want the same things and have the same viewpoints on pretty much everything. There just isn’t any friction. It’s relaxing, fun, peaceful, easy. The way it should be.

    We did have our first disagreement the other day though. D says he thinks communication is the 3rd of the three important relationship qualities and not timing. He said with our chemistry, compatibility and communication, who cares about the timing? He said if I wasn’t in the same place as he was timing wise, he’d just wait me out as long as it took because he knows how rare it is to have the other three things.

    Even disagreeing with him feels amazing…. : )

  348.  #348Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:41 am

    RE 344 Meeemee what do you feel like doing?

  349.  #349Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:46 am

    RiverGirl you saying that he is gunshy is just you making up stories; he is doing what he wants to do or the best he knows how for the moment. My opinion is to just share what you want to do and then don’t engage him in texting if that is not what you want. That would be boundary setting for both you and at the same time teaching him how you want to be treated.

  350.  #350Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:50 am

    RiverGirl you also said that you felt frustrated and that you are keen on him. It seems saying that you are tired of texting might not be the authentic truth? I would say that if you are not sure about what you feel around texting, I would just share that I do not want to text any longer. Also what I have learnt thus far have me thinking that he might be feeling your keeness or eagerness to connect with him and it might feel scary for him. Is there anyway you could turn that around?

  351.  #351Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:54 am

    RE 338 RiverGirl this place “Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can step things up with him” I am not convinced is the place to be; the guy is the one who should be stepping things up and maybe he thinks the best way to do that is texting.

    How about “I feel happy to receive your messages knowing that you are thinking of me. It would make me feel even happier if I hear your voice”.

  352.  #352Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:55 am

    I should have added what do you think?

  353.  #353Mercedes on April 20, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Kaitlyn: The only way to help yourself not feel bad when you “like” on his fb or when you leave messages that he doesn’t return is to stop doing those things. You seem to be doing them in the hopes of a reaction from him. When he doesn’t react, you get sad. He’s not going to be attracted to the sad you…again, the only way he’s going to feel attracted is for you to get happy (not fake a good vibe by being friendly on fb)…so the answer is for YOU to stop doing things that make you sad. You can say it makes you sad when he doesn’t respond, but the reality is…it makes you sad when YOU do something he doesn’t respond to.

    Let him miss you if he’s going to miss you. If he doesn’t miss you, then go out there and find someone who cares a whole hellava lot more than that.

    I don’t know Kaitlyn…I’m not sure what to say…with every ounce of my being I believe you need to totally stop what you’re doing and let him come to you if he wants to.

    Much Love,

  354.  #354Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 5:58 am

    How about I feel curious to know what your voice sounds like. It’s been such a long time I have forgotten.

  355.  #355Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 6:10 am

    Paula what I did when I was hurting real bad was to roll up like a ball in a fetus position, climbed into bed and just cried. It took some time that particular day but at the end the intensity was less. It might sound like a pity party but what I was doing was sitting with myself and my feeling and just sinking into it trying to embrace it. Each time the sadness came up after that I allowed myself to cry. What I have found is that heart break takes time to heal. I think of it as an actual wound that needs to heal. There is also hormones involved so it is not a hop skip and jump to get over someone. Someone mentioned a shaman ritual about cutting cords, I hope they share it again as it helps to take your energy back. I also say “I forgive you: aloud to myself and to others that broke my heart. I say it aloud and use their names. Saying it aloud helps me to accept it intellectually and in my spirit. Now I have moved to being grateful for the time I spent with them and to wish that they find happiness in whatever way it means to them. It takes time as it is a process but you have to keep believing that your brain will eventually catch up. Right now it will light up with love for this person so be gentle with yourself, is what I would recommend.

  356.  #356sweetmandm on April 20, 2011 at 6:34 am

    RE: 337

    Nice LG! Very sweet response.

    I felt good reading it! 🙂

  357.  #357Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 6:49 am

    From Bob:
    In a recent media interview, the interviewer asked me if my wife and me ever argued. I suppose
    they were trying to ask me a trick question. Without even thinking I responded, “No we don’t
    argue, because my wife won’t participate.” The interviewer paused for a moment, surprised by my

    She asked me what that meant (since she obviously hadn’t read The Woman Men Adore), and I
    told her that if our disagreements become too competitive, my wife simply leaves the room. It’s
    at that point that I realize that I’m being too aggressive.

    Now, the good news for me is that she doesn’t have to leave the room anymore. Well, rarely. I
    know better. Even though my wife is quite capable of debating with the best of them, she knows
    that most effective way to get a man’s attention is to ignore them.

    What happens next? When I calm down, she’ll finish the discussion. Oh we may disagree and get
    upset with each other. However, during those times I forget that she’s expensive; I’m quickly
    reminded never to take her for granted.

    Did You Know:
    Even in good relationships, 70% of relationship problems never get solved. Most relationship
    issues are the kind that need to be worked around rather than solved.

    Source: Alice Boyers

  358.  #358The Lurker on April 20, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Jaqueline, thx for the link! I very much appreciate this. Also, thank you, and LG, for the positive feedback. But take my comments w/ a grain of salt, pls, ladies! I’m probably not the typical male, more of a lonesome wolf, and thus I dunno how much my answers can help u w/ other guys. I’m not an alpha male like Rusty, leadership isn’t so desirable for me. I’m too much of an individualist, even though in the past I stepped up and lead when the situations required it. All in all, I’m a nice guy with some serious flaws. So, don’t be surprised if I’ll disagree w/ Rusty sometimes. We guys simply aren’t all the same.

    Having said that, I’m not sure if making feeling messages is a good idea for a man like me, who’s already too emotional sometimes, and who should focus on his boy energy instead. But, ok:

    I feel understood.
    I feel accepted.
    I feel encouraged.

    Good enuff? 😀

  359.  #359SummerBaby on April 20, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Lurker, that feels great to read.


  360.  #360Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 7:13 am



  361.  #361The Lurker on April 20, 2011 at 7:18 am

    @RiverGirl, imho your FM should do the trick:
    “I always feel so happy to hear from you, but I feel tired of texting. What do you think?”

    That you feel “tired” should lead the guy to come up with an idea about how to “fix” that (if he isn’t totally insensitive :D). If he only proposes phoning or skyping in his response, Brenda’s proposal would be the right follow up:
    “It would feel so good to spend time with you in person. What do you think?”

    This should trigger something, in a positive way. It may be a moment of truth, where he comes out with a problem that is holding him back, though. But after all this time, imho you should really lovingly encourage him to do the next step, even if his repsonse may not be the one you want to hear. You deserve to have clarity about that guy’s seriousness now! He obviously enjoyed the long distance, virtual “relationship” (why not simply call it friendship?), so he should feel the need not to risk that. If he’s serious, he will step up now.

    Crossing my fingers for you!

  362.  #362Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Hi Lurker. I was wondering about that too…if it makes sense for a man to practice feeling messages.

    On the one hand, Rori says to ask men what they think and for us women to share what we feel.

    But on the other hand, communcation styles like NVC have both men and women sharing feeling equally.

    Also on the blog, sirens have commented that when they start using FM’s, they notice that men sometimes start mirroring them back.

    And Rori says the the feminine open the man up to his own emotional world.

    So basically what I’m saying is, I feel unsure myself of whether or not it makes sense for a man to practice feeling messages. I do feel curious though.

  363.  #363Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 7:27 am


    …and a man heals through a womans heart.


  364.  #364Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 7:34 am

    I finally got around to reading the book “The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He’s Going to Marry You–in 30 Days or Less!” I believe Nancy recommended it. Wow. It makes so much sense. It feels great to read. Rori’s stuff coupled with this book feels so right!
    And my Calling In The One class starts on Monday. Yeah!

    I really feel excited. I believe that seeing the stories of quick-ish relationships (there have been quite a few, both here and in real life in just the past week!!!) is God preparing me for my own relationship! To go ahead and get my judgments out now so that when I’m in one myself I won’t freak out too much. Seriously excited!!

    Something is shifting. I’m starting to believe this could actually happen and be real AND easy AND quick. I read LD’s post about D, and it reads like Mercedes posts about J. Just funny to read the words and get the same vibe from them (in a great way). And then my girlfriend is dating this guy and things are moving quickly. It’s like seeing previews of my own movie! Upcoming attractions!!! 🙂

    My new beliefs are being reflected back to me in the form of positive stories from the people around me. It’s law of attraction for sure. Even made a new friend who has been married for 17 years.

    I feel so grateful for the mirrors in my life, reflecting the good and the bad. Such a surprise and so thankful I’m finally noticing this now.

  365.  #365Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Lillybelle: re 363

    yes, that’s the phrase I was looking for 🙂

    …and a man heals through a womans heart.

  366.  #366Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Also, Rori recommends that we use both our masculine and feminine sides. She says we can become adept at switching hats depending on the situation.

    I wonder if it’s the same for a man? I’m guessing so.

    I personally find a man who can switch hats quite attractive. I like a man who is in touch with his own emotions but who isn’t run by them. A man who can understand the emotional waves that I experiece but who can also protect me from a lion. Hahaha

    Well, you know what I mean!

    I personally wonder if the alpha male concept is a little overblown. From my perspective, what women want is a man who is more masculine than them and who treats her like a goddess. He doesn’t have to be the most masculine man in the room.

    I feel curious to hear other people’s perspectives on this.


  367.  #367Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Awesome SS! I feel so good and hopeful reading your post!

  368.  #368Jilly on April 20, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Goodmorning Ladies! 🙂

    SS…yay..i feel excited for you! i bet your “Calling in the One Class” will feel so inspiring I hope you keep us posted on all your ah ha’s 🙂 (not sure if that’s how it’s spelled lol)

    Lillybelle…sorry to hear about the creepers…it will pass…just think of it as movement…the universe is clearing things out right now… 🙂 don’t give up!

    i feel happy when the men post too..i like getting their perspectives

    i had another amazing night with hotpilot 🙂

    i noticed myself starting to overfunction…

    US on the phone before he came over…him wondering if i wanted to go out and meet up with some of his friends he hasn’t seen..me wondering if we should still do dinner at my place cause my roommate decided to have her Manfriend come over..

    HIM: what should we do?
    ME: trying to figure it out in my head and come up with a plan and i just STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I got into my feelings…i was feeling bad and overwhelmed and stressed
    ME: i don’t know…i feel overwhelmed and i don’t want to make the decision
    HIM: ok…what can I DO to make it easier for you??

    BIG HAPPY SIGH from me….i LOVE when a man steps up!!!!!!!

    So he made the decision and he ended up coming over and he asked about my day and came over and gave me a BIG HUG and i just melted into him and said

    I felt overwhelmed today with everything and this feels good and he just held me and comforted me…and i felt sooo happy

    then this morning he said he would make dinner…and i found myself wanting to overfunction again!!!! but i stopped again…i wanted to volunteer to bring stuff over and all sorts of overfunctioning/giving things…but i pulled myself back to me and took a breath…

    very interesting things i noticed!!

  369.  #369Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Rivergirl, Have you heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I’m noticing a story that you’re telling, and my mind is questioning if it’s true or not.

    “It seems like he wants to keep me at arm’s length though. Wants me to be there when he wants someone to share with, but often if I initiate he backs away.”

    1. Is it true he wants to keep me at arm’s length?

    2. Can I really know he wants to keep me at arm’s length?

    3. How do I react when I believe the thought “he wants to keep me at arm’s length”?

    4. Who would I be without the thought “he wants to keep me at arm’s length”?

    Turn arounds (Do these feel true or truer than the original thought? What examples can I find that make these statements also true?)
    1. I keep him/my relationships at arm’s length.
    2. I keep me at arm’s length.

  370.  #370RiverGirl on April 20, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Thanks Brenda, FP and Lurker for your input. I’ve never been very good at asking for what I want so I appreciate your help.

    Just so happens that his opening msg to me tonight was telling me that he had just managed to wipe all his contacts from his new iphone. I responded with “Ooops! Not to worry, I mainly prefer to talk in human if high tech fails!”

    I probably could have worded that better and he didn’t comment on it in his next msg. Hopefully though, I have given him the idea that I might like something different. I’ll see what happens and say something more direct if nothing changes.

  371.  #371Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 8:19 am

    LG, When you write alpha male, what picture comes to your mind? I bet every one of us pictures something different. I used to picture “alpha male” as Mr. Manly Man, the strong aggressive type. Now I see Mr. Manly Man as not that strong because he didn’t stick up for me and my beliefs. He just wanted to railroad me with HIS beliefs. No thanks. 🙂

    So right now “alpha male” for me is a confident man. I’m also picturing a laid back guy. Comfortable in his skin. No pressure kind of man. He knows what he wants, and he knows he will have it when he sees it. I’m picturing a lion stalking his prey. He doesn’t charge every gazelle he sees. He waits til he finds the right one. No wasted energy. That’s alpha to me.

    Haha! I just described a List man. LOL! Too funny!

  372.  #372Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 8:37 am


    I like your now description of “Alpha Male.” Right now, mine images of an Alpha Male are skewed to the one I mention earlier and as you describe.. the strong, aggressive type who won’t take no for an answer.

    I way prefer your description. I need to work on changing my belief about that.


  373.  #373Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 8:45 am


    Re: #370 – You said, “Ooops! Not to worry, I mainly prefer to talk in human if high tech fails!”

    I like that kind of feeling message best, when I just say something that fits in the moment! Good job!!

  374.  #374RiverGirl on April 20, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Simply Shannon @ 369
    “Have you heard of The Work by Byron Katie? I’m noticing a story that you’re telling, and my mind is questioning if it’s true or not”

    I have heard mention of The Work by Byron Katie but not familiar with the ideas there. I will look for it.

    Truth is that I’m confused about what he wants. Certainly he values our friendship. He is a bit of a loner and I think that he likes the companionship and sharing everyday stuff. As do I. There are a lot of similarities in our personal circumstances. He has been texting me almost every night and always flattering and supportive to me. It certainly feels like he wants more but then I wonder if that is real because he hasn’t wanted to take things further yet.

    I would like to get to know him better, there is a lot I like and admire about him and I feel attracted to him, but I am also very aware that we don’t really know each other very well without spending time together. So I’m wary of projecting too much to fill in the gaps. Also trying to lean back and let him move at a pace of his choosing.

  375.  #375Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 8:47 am


    Jilly~ I like the way you think. The Universe IS clearing things out for me. I also cleared out one for myself this morning too…

    I have been talking/texting with a man but haven’t met him yet. He was increasingly getting more “demanding” of my time, applying pressure and almost stalking me, leaving me a voice mail, text AND an email on the site where I met him. The more this happend, the more icky I felt. Last night he left me a voice mail at 10:00 at night, acknowledged that it was too late to call but he hadn’t heard from me,

    I released him and wished him well. I don’t like being pressured and I felt uncomfortable. I hadn’t even met him yet.

    I feel strong when I listen to what my gut feelings are telling me.

    Nice job with catching the overfunctioning. And NICE job, Hotpilot for stepping up. I like him.

  376.  #376Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 8:51 am


    “So right now “alpha male” for me is a confident man. I’m also picturing a laid back guy. Comfortable in his skin. No pressure kind of man. He knows what he wants, and he knows he will have it when he sees it. I’m picturing a lion stalking his prey. He doesn’t charge every gazelle he sees. He waits til he finds the right one. No wasted energy. That’s alpha to me.”

    That is the kind of man I feel attracted to as well but when I hear the term alpha I think of something different.

    I wonder if that is what Lurker means when he says alpha?

    I feel better about reframing alpha to your description.

    What do you mean by “a List man”. Is that from the book you are reading?

  377.  #377Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Lil, I’m practicing The Work so I’m gonna do that on this belief (cuz I think I still have it).

    I want a strong aggressive Alpha male.

    1. Is it true? My heart says no.

    2. Can I really know that’s true? No. Alpha male is just some picture I have in my head. I’m not really clear on what it means. It’s all hypothetical.

    3. How do I react when I think the thought “I want an alpha male”? I judge every man I see against a measuring stick that’s not even well formed in my own mind. <– That's funny. How do I know he's an alpha male or not? Giggles. Oops.

    4. Who would I be without the thought? I'd feel more open to each man who shows up and be able to enjoy the time with him rather than checking a box yes or no.

    Turn arounds:
    1. I don't want a strong aggressive Alpha male. Yes, I can find that. I judged Mr. Manly Man as not strong and not desirable even though I saw him as Alpha.
    2. I want to be a strong and aggressive Alpha female. Yes, I can find that too. I don't want to feel weak (weak boundaries, accepting crumbs, etc.) and I want to be aggressive about my own goals (read: passionate, no more pussy-footing around, no more mediocre living).

    Hehe. I feel happy that I'm finally doing The Work. I kept putting it off because it confuses me some and because it seems so "out there" (but that's just a thought!) Yeah me!

  378.  #378Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 9:02 am

    355. FemininePower, Paula

    I know that I posted about the cutting cords tool at one time, and yes, it has been a serious go-to, in times of heightened emotion, when you just can’t seem to get out of a negative feedback loop or keep obsessing about another person. With this tool, you symbolically separate your energy investment, represented by cords, that you have attached to another person.

    In your mind’s eye, see yourself and the person connected by many cords, coming from different places all over your bodies. These cords are like energy circuits, and you are pumping precious energy into this person and the situation. Imagine you are holding a machete, or knife. You may then say whatever you like, maybe something along the lines of, “I am grateful for our experiences together. I feel blessed by having had your presence in my life. Good luck and godspeed to you.” or, again, whatever feels good. And then slice the cords, with powerful large downward sweeping motions, all around your body, from head to toe. in your mind’s eye, see the cords separating and the other person fading away into the distance. Bless them.

    The way this will work best is if you can maintain an open, soft heart, even if and while you do feel angry and have to do vampire screams- “get offa me!, get offa me!

    Remember. The soul takes responsibility. The ego blames and transfers responsibility.

    I hope this helps.


  379.  #379Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:04 am

    I have a new CD, Cuddle Cub, and it really caught my eye that he’s the same age and same height as Ryan. He wanted to cuddle and kiss.

    We emailed last night and texted this morning. He said, “So do you like to kiss?”

    I texted, “I like to kiss, and to be deeply honest, I feel far more comfortable after I’ve gotten to know someone more. It feels weird to kiss a stranger.

    Cub: Oh ok. Then why respond to my ad lol

    I said I really like cuddling and somehow that doesn’t seem as personal. Just let me get to know you a little, ok?

    He said ok. You had me excited. Thought I was going to be kissing a beautiful lady this weekend.

    I don’t want to turn him off, but nor do I want to feel turned off. Any suggestions how anyone else would handle it?

  380.  #380Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Rivergirl, I like everything you said in 374. I’m sensing that he is giving you exactly what you need right now. I love that about him! Is there some thought in your head that says something is wrong? I’d question that thought. Or maybe it’s that you no longer need this type of relationship (long distance), and are ready to move to a relationship that’s closer to you?

    LG, yes, the book The List talks about a List man. I’m not done yet but so far, it feels so right!

  381.  #381Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 9:10 am

    Brenda, WOW!

    Hmm… I feel flattered and turned on. And maybe a little scared (out of my comfort zone). I don’t want to rush things. My body and my heart are connected. What do you think?

  382.  #382Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Hey SS! Nice to see you are on to BK too

    “Turn arounds (Do these feel true or truer than the original thought? What examples can I find that make these statements also true?)
    1. I keep him/my relationships at arm’s length.
    2. I keep me at arm’s length.”

    How about:

    I feel good about keeping some relationships at arm’s length.

  383.  #383Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 9:17 am

    Thanks for the cord cutting example Elizabeth.

  384.  #384Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:18 am


    Re: #381 – Perfect!!!!! Thank you! I just texted that verbatim!

  385.  #385Femininepower on April 20, 2011 at 9:24 am


    Bullying is perpetrated more frequently perpetrated in emotional violence – and by girls too – than by physical violence. See the ground-breaking research on emotional bullying surrounding the Columbine tragedy by Dr. Robert Galatzer-Levy of the University of Chicago.

    Bullying is more than physical. Hurtful words – coming from the mouths of girls as well as boys – delivers a blow to the young psyche that is no different than a punch to the face. I know this on a personal level, too. I was the object of relentless emotional bullying all through grade school. Few people ever knew – not teachers, not my parents, and not even my brothers.

    Why? Because a boy’s masculine instinct discourages him from complaining to others or seeking help for mere “emotional bullying.” Boy and man alike will “suck it up” and absorb the psychic damage. We do not wish to appear weak to other boys or men. It makes sense that we have this instinct. In earlier times, appearing weak to other men in the tribe, to women, and to those outside of the tribe would mean certain harm or death.

    A boy knowing that he let himself down and couldn’t defend himself will find it hard to look in the mirror.

  386.  #386Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 9:26 am


    You’re welcome, Feminine Power 🙂

  387.  #387Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Now I’m feeling weird. Ok, I responded to an ad that says cuddling and kissing. And now I’m in a Catch 22 feeling like what, I’ve either got to go second class or walk away, because I am hardly in a position to say I want to be wined and dined.

    He is not cool at all about meeting in a public place first. He’s willing to come to me. I suggested Starbucks. He said I don’t drink coffee. I suggested a restaurant. He said I don’t like to eat in public, I’m quirky about that. I’m supposed to let him plan the date, while indicating my preferences.

    If he had his choice, he’d come straight to my house. What am I missing here? I am way out of practicing with dating. He just texted, “I’ll meet you anywhere and what, just talk a few minutes? Or you just want to look at me?

    I wrote: “Just want to make sure you don’t have a chain saw tucked up your sleeve! LOL! :-)”

    Help! This looks a lot easier on the blog!

  388.  #388Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:40 am

    He said, “LOL. That’s not me. I’m not a violent person at all.

    I wrote: “Seriously, I’m kinda old fashioned and like it when a man plans a date. I’m not violent either. I’m a lover, not a fighter. :-)”

    I feel like I’m floundering.

  389.  #389Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:41 am

    I’m stuck. What should I say?

    He just said, “My plan was just chill at my place or yours, watch a movie and get to kissing and cuddling like ad said lol.”

  390.  #390The Lurker on April 20, 2011 at 9:42 am

    #376 LG: When I say “alpha male” I think of the “traditional” definition: A guy who loves to lead and to gain status and power, and who succeeds in this. Well, that’s not me.

    #370 RiverGirl I like your spontanous response! This sure made him thinking. That he hasn’t answered yet may be because he’s grown too comfortable in your long distance friendship. Seeing the need to change that may not come easy for him. So, he’s wondering what to do now. If he still hesitates, it’s time for the FM you prepared.

    #372 Lil “the strong, aggressive type who won’t take no for an answer.”
    Hmm, I’m endof40ish and grew up learning that “no means no”. Of course, I’m aware that there are different kinds of no, but I still hate it when a woman sends mixed signals. It’s ok if it’s clear that this is used only jokingly, in a teasing way, though.

    Also, the guy you described in #375, that would have been me, some months ago. I acted like a total jerk. To my defense, I can only say it was my first online friendship, and I had (and have) difficulties with the communication, because the feedback from body language and mimic is missing. Ok, it wasn’t only my mistake, imho my sweetheart could have been more forthcoming about her feelings and problems, too, but still… Gladly, I just made the first baby step in repairing the damage done, by showing my continued interest in a more laid back way. Who knows, maybe there’ll be a second chance…

  391.  #391Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I’m scared. I admit it. Wow, it is really hard for me to meet a new man.

    I just said, “I understand that. I feel weird and kinda ignored. I feel more at ease meeting someone in a public place the first time.”

  392.  #392Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 9:46 am

    377: SS~

    I like it. I haven’t gotten into her yet but am a bit interested…enough to have peeked at her website a little bit. She is on my list of things to check deeper in to. Perhaps I can heal my deep disdain for judgement using her tools?

    I also took the recommendation for “The List” and ordered from Amazon for four bucks, Gotta love it.

    Can’t wait for it to get here.

  393.  #393Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 9:47 am


    If it were me, I would state what I am comfortable with in terms of where to meet, and notice from the very start, how he responds and steps up, and how the energy feels to you.

    You will get a lot of information this way, especially regarding if he is concerned about your comfort and honors your feelings and emotions. Stick to your own boundaries. I wouldn’t let him come to my house.
    Trust your feelings. If he suggests something that doesn’t feel good to you, ask him to come up with something else. Don’t be afraid of seeming too fussy or difficult to please.

    Just like the first day in school, the teacher has to set the expectations for behavior from the get-go,
    to get the best results.

    It’s all practice and therapy !
    Relax, have fun, enjoy, be safe 🙂


  394.  #394RiverGirl on April 20, 2011 at 9:48 am

    391: Brenda says:
    “I’m scared. I admit it. Wow, it is really hard for me to meet a new man.”

    Don’t feel scared Brenda, it may just be that this is not the new man you need to meet.

  395.  #395Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:49 am

    He said, “I won’t ignore you.”

  396.  #396Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 9:50 am

    This one sounds like he is on a mission.

    I dunno, but saying things like “I feel ignored and I feel weird” (negative FMs) right away in the very beginning stages don’t seem to come off too good, it puts them on the defensive

    Just stick with saying what is acceptable and what isnt, and if he doesnt come up with something acceptable,
    leave it alone and move on.

    my two cents…


  397.  #397RiverGirl on April 20, 2011 at 9:52 am

    @ 394 rephrasing that

    Brenda, if you feel scared maybe this is not the new man you need to meet.

  398.  #398Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:52 am


    I have virtually not dated since 2009. I need to push past my fear.

  399.  #399Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I feel vulnerable…here’s what I just texted him:

    “I am doing my best to be positive here. For lack of more finesse, I am going to be gut level honest here. I had the most painful breakup of my life in ’09. It’s taken me this long to heal. I haven’t dated in that long. I feel more scared of being hurt again than I’d like to admit. It would feel so good to cuddle.”

    He wrote: “I’m going through same thing. Bad breakup 6 months ago and just need someone to kiss and cuddle with.”

    I wrote “Cool”


  400.  #400Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 9:58 am


    I’m not scared of this man. He has given me no reason to fear. I’m scared of men.

  401.  #401Tmizz on April 20, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Hm…Hi Brenda! What about: “I would love to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. But I would feel better about doing that after we met and had a more ‘traditional’ date. What do you think?”

  402.  #402Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 10:00 am

    399 Brenda



  403.  #403Mel on April 20, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I am becoming SO much more aware of myself thanks to Rori and all of you!

    My husband’s been really tired for a couple days (and thus somewhat distant/grumpy). This morning I could really FEEL myself getting anxious about that. What did I do? Is he mad at me? Are things deteriorating again etc…

    Then I stopped myself (turned off the projector beam- thanks femenergylove!). It’s not MY business. People are grumpy sometimes. Just relax and give him space.

    I didn’t realize just how often I would attribute my husband’s moods as something I caused! ALL THE TIME!

    Hopefully he will get some more sleep tonight and wake up with more positive energy. I think I’m some kind of energy chameleon. I tend to take on the energy (good or bad) of those around me.

    Thanks everyone for the good wishes! After 8 mo. of unemployment (except for a few contracts), I deserve this!

    It was super fun to go shopping for some new work clothes. I have lost about 20 pounds in the past year, but never got myself any new slimmer fitting clothes since I wasn’t working. It feels good to have some pretty things that flatter me.

  404.  #404Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

    401 TMizz
    I might tweak that to
    It might feel great to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. I’ll know more how I feel about it after we meet.


  405.  #405Tmizz on April 20, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Feel free to tweak away!

  406.  #406Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 10:19 am

    405: TMizz
    Thanks, babe! 🙂

  407.  #407Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Elizabeth, I know, TMI. Ugh. I have had some email contact with men and a little phone contact, but this time around, with him cutting to the chase with meeting and cuddling, it brought up a lot of stuff, because my relationship with Ryan started with cuddling and pillow talk, which I loved. Then all sorts of fears and suspicions arose. Ugh.

    Thanks, Tmizz.

  408.  #408Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Elizabeth and Tmizz,

    He stayed silent for a little while and just now he said, “Anything else you would like to do?”

    I pretty much used the tweaked FM, “It might feel wonderful to cuddle up and watch a movie with you. I’ll know more how I feel about it after we meet. It would feel nice to go to a movie or to a park. What do you think?”

    Cub: Maybe eventually. See how we feel after night of cuddling and kissing.”

    B: Huh? I feel confuzzled! 🙂

  409.  #409sweetmandm on April 20, 2011 at 10:28 am


    I think you are practicing just fine!! Really! 🙂 Find your siren confidence. You risk nothing with this man, as you have invested nothing of yourself and are just practicing. Preaching to myself here…….just breathe…..

    Ok, you just state your boundries and what you want and don’t want now, while being soft and feminine and authentic. I do agree with it being a little soon for too many feeling messages, unless they are in the frame of thinking about what makes you comfortable, or uncomfortable.

    If he is the caring, understanding (at least trying to understand you) protective, wanting to please you kind of man that I know you desire as I do, then he will respond well to those and do what he needs to. Right? Even if he doesn’t do it perfectly, you will feel it and know.

    I love that you are aware of feeling and connecting with your intuitions. I find they can be a womans best friend! If you feel he is pushing an agenda (his) then he won’t really be able to look out for what is best for you and in turn will not be able to lead you into what is best for a relationship if there is that potential.

    Practic. It’s all practice along the journey!

    I am rooting for you!

    Again, I would express what would make you feel comfortable, from the perspective of being open to learning about him. 🙂


  410.  #410sweetmandm on April 20, 2011 at 10:31 am


    358 was very nice to read! Your input has been valued by me here. I just know that you will find what you long for and soon! You are doing all that you can do, in along your journey and it fills me with hope for you as well as for many men, just by listening to you. 🙂

    Thank you!

  411.  #411sweetmandm on April 20, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Mel RE: 403

    Yay Mel! 🙂 I feel happy for you! And congrats on celebrating your lost pounds with some new duds! I feel so much more sireny even buying one now cute top or sexy pair of jeans!! Fun!


  412.  #412Mel on April 20, 2011 at 10:45 am


    For sure I feel more sireny! And when i did a little “fashion show” for hubby after my shopping trip this weekend, he said “Wow! You’re looking so slim and pretty!”

    I got a “wow!” Sweet!

  413.  #413KS on April 20, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Hmmmm….I am curious. I have had that happen too. When I start to use FM and at first the guy gets a look on his face like WTH??? Then he starts to mirror and HE starts using FM too! What is up with that?

  414.  #414Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 10:48 am


    “#376 LG: When I say “alpha male” I think of the “traditional” definition: A guy who loves to lead and to gain status and power, and who succeeds in this. Well, that’s not me.”

    I feel curious. What do you think of Simply Shannon’s description of an alpha male?

  415.  #415Rusty on April 20, 2011 at 10:55 am

    @#315 Lilybelle

    “Mind you, I am not a prude but that is a completely bass ackwards way to look at dating. What I can’t figure out is, why he would circle back around to me after not speaking for this long. He knew where I stood, I did not keep it a secret. Why bother?”

    You are exactly what I was saying is right and he is what it seemed to me others were saying is right.

    He wants to find out if sex is good enough to bother investing any more of his time in you, which is what it seemed to me that others were saying is the way to go. I can even post their exact words stating so.

    Or, he really has no interest in an LTR but this is his way off getting what he wants. I mean it isn’t a secret that many men, and women want sex at times from people they have no long term interest in.

    I respect that you seem to grasp that this is the backwards way of doing it. If for no other reason than the fact that the other things really are more important than sex, in a healthy loving long term relationship.

    The first few years you can’t get enough sex but it does taper off. Real life gets in the way. And eventually you’ll be too old to do it anyway. So it is best if you genuinely like and love that person next to you. Even when you are very sexually active, the vast majority of the time you spend with someone is not spent having sex.

    Odds are greater that you will find something you don’t like about them as a person than you will as a lover. So why not start looking there.

    But most of all, I am impressed that you seem to have so much self respect for yourself. Don’t ever lose that! If you don’t respect yourself, nobody else will.

  416.  #416Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 11:03 am

    Cub: Thought we were gonna hangout, cuddle, and kiss at your place and we can watch movie while there. If want to hang out again then movie or park be good.

  417.  #417sweetmandm on April 20, 2011 at 11:05 am

    I had a I met a new CD last night. He wanted to talk before actually going out. He told me to give him a call if I wanted to talk before our date. I sent him a text back saying that I didn’t feel comfortable being the one to call him, in the first stages for sure. A few days later, the day before our date I heard from him and he actually said to me, “I feel nervous calling you and talking right now.” He said it right away, just like that. I was so impressed by that and it brought me a feeling of peace and I felt less nervous by his sharing that so openly. A feeling message from him right away like that. I loved it! I could learn from that example..HA! 😉

    We had a nice time too! Good sense of humor! He didn’t even reach for an akward hug. He didn’t wait till the next day to text me and thank me. He texted me an hour and a half after we left eachother at the restaurant. He thanked me kindly for my company and said that he really enjoyed himself.

    I left feeling, wishing, that it could all go so smoothly all of the time……


  418.  #418Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 11:23 am


    When your ad said you wanted kissing and cuddling, did you mean that’s all you want?

    If his answer is yes, then you know what’s up and can move on. “Oh ok. Kissing and cuddling would feel great but I’m looking for more than that. My heart and body are connected. Thank you for being honest with me!”

    And I agree with Elizabeth about the TMI to the history admission. Do you notice that you do this when you get super uncomfortable? It’s like your poker “tell”, ya know? I know Brenda is super uncomfortable when she tells me yucky stuff about her past. She wants to talk about her past and not deal with her confusion and awkwardness that’s happening right in front of her. It’s like a diversionary tactic. I’ve done this too. My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice. 🙂

  419.  #419Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

    So many ways you could go with him Brenda.

    I feel afraid. I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date.

    I feel smiley. I feel happy that you want to kiss and cuddle with me. But I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date.


    I really love it when a man takes care of me and that includes making me feel comfortable. I don’t want to meet at my house for a first date. It doesn’t feel safe.

    What feels right for you?

    This guy is starting to piss me off though. I had to cut a guy loose once who did the same thing. If I can’t trust a man to protect me and keep me safe (even if it’s from him!), then he won’t put me first in other ways.

    And I also feel a little bored. Like aren’t ya going to say something else dude? Which is a reflection of how I’d feel repeating myself. Zzzzz. 🙂

  420.  #420Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 11:33 am

    415: Rusty~

    Thank you for the feedback. I am all for having sex, when it feels right but not as a prelude to getting to know someone. I rank sex right up there with importance but I want to know someone before that happens. Like someone wise once said: “My heart and body are a package deal.” I’m sticking with that, or rather, it has stuck to me. 🙂

    And to this: “And eventually you’ll be too old to do it anyway.”

    MAN, I HOPE not. I really, really hope not.


    Love having you here, Rusty.

  421.  #421Laughing Goddess on April 20, 2011 at 11:36 am


    “My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice. ”

    ooooo, good stuff. I’m going to watch for my “tell”

  422.  #422Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 11:36 am


    I’m with you, SS. Reading this exchange leads me to believe that he isn’t interested in Brenda for Brenda, but is interested in Brenda for what she can “give” him.

    I’d practice on him until he poofed. I don’t believe that I would physically meet him, in fact, I know I wouldn’t. It feels way icky to me but of course, it isn’t me.

    Brenda, What do you think?


  423.  #423Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 11:41 am


    FW 355 is great advice, exactly what it sounded like was needed for Paula, I hated that we went straight to “move on” for me that would have felt bad!

    Lurker – haha….I don’t need nor want you to speak any particular way here. And – again – for me, feeling messages don’t FEEL good, they feel confusing. But it’s cute you were open to them, and I felt bad you immediately got scolded…so I made some up. However, if you don’t know how you feel, I agree it is ALWAYS good to pay attention so you do know – feelings are our guideposts.

    And I’m good with not being told what “guys” think – I know way too many of em that tell me just what they think. So – for me – I want you to be YOU, cuz I like it when you make me laugh and I like it when you’re sensitive and I especially like it that you’re going to get some male perspective, too!


  424.  #424Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Shannon – that’s amazing movement and immersion; the list is interesting and all those things together sound like you’re in relationship boot camp. Wow, I’m glad for you that you’ve decided to rocket blast!

    Brenda – you still here?


  425.  #425Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 11:50 am


    RE: #396 – Good advice, thanks!

  426.  #426Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 11:50 am

    About alpha male – the big tell to me is that they have “followers,” they have yes people, they have people they can boss around they have people who turn to them to fix their problems. They are indeed leaders of some sort of pack.

    The best alphas are also alpha because they have bucket loads of charisma – people don’t even know WHY they might be following them, the worst have sycophants and too much money. smile…

    E talks about beta males, and how that might be a better pick for me. I’m interested – all I’d ever had were alpha males before Mr. Lowkeyed.

    Now we’ve entered into an interesting stage – Mr. Lowkeyed went to work for Mr. Alpha. So, he showers last night and comes to me and say, Oh, cr*p, I just realized something – if YOU were with Mr. Alpha you’d never argue with him..everything you fuss at me about he doesn’t do – smoke, forget time, be totally clueless about paperwork –

    and I said, yes that’s what I’ve thought, do you really think that? Because I can certainly find my own boyfriends.

    And he says well I was kind of wanting to hear how it wasn’t true.

    So I said, I chose you….lalala

    But, I wondered. I went from Tin Man to Lion, and it’s different. Is it better? Not so much – well my friends say I’m happier – but it’s just a different set of sh*t to deal with.

    As it is with all people, no matter what label or category they are always their own subset.

    Maybe Mr. Alpha wouldn’t be nice…to people, to me. Maybe he’s got money because he’s cheap, not generous…lots of maybes there.

    But Mr. Lowkeyed is right – I wouldn’t “fuss” GAWD I HATE that word…about the same things.

    Maybe this for Mr. Lowkeyed will bring about some kind of awakening??

    I hope!

  427.  #427Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 11:52 am


    RE: #409 – Thank you! Wise words!

  428.  #428Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Brenda, hiya darlin! For me – if they won’t be “seen” in public with me I don’t want them. So a great message would be –

    I’d love to cuddle after I feel safe, so I follow Internet dating guidelines. We need to meet in a public place. Wanna buy me a cup of coffee? If not this is getting ahead of what I want!

  429.  #429Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:00 pm


    RE: #418-419 – You said, “Do you notice that you do this when you get super uncomfortable? It’s like your poker “tell”, ya know? I know Brenda is super uncomfortable when she tells me yucky stuff about her past. She wants to talk about her past and not deal with her confusion and awkwardness that’s happening right in front of her. It’s like a diversionary tactic. I’ve done this too. My diversionary tactic is usually giving advice.”

    Yes, and you saying that helps me be more objective about myself. I don’t see it as diversionary, altho it may be. With my huge social lacks in the past, I didn’t have any idea what to say or not to say. So I made up for it by being gut level honest.

    I actually felt surprised how many feelings came up a little while ago when I was thinking about cuddling with a man again. It was the thing I liked to do most with Ryan.

    Thinking about all you all said. Thank you all for your feedback – it really helps.

  430.  #430Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Hi, Rusty! I’m still reading your posts, smile…but it’s like you’re just still here tilting at windmills? We’ve hardly ever had huge or any discussions of when to have sex – usually it’s just a personal decision. Feels odd and agenda-ish to keep hearing how someone who doesn’t do it has respect, which implies that someone who does, doesn’t. And that feels bad. All over again! I vote to let people experience actions and reactions and consequences, and I think that everyone here is old enough to have done that in regards to sex. lol…

    so tell me, how do you feel about feeling messages? combined with leaning back combined with no closure and putting things on your horse and riding away?

    I’d be interested!


  431.  #431Rusty on April 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    So much talk about Alpha Males and what defines a man as an Alpha. If you Google it, you will see that many people want to know what it is and many people will offer their opinion as to what it is, but what you will see if you read between the lines is that what they all have in common is that an Alpha is a leader.

    Now this leader can be a tyrant as in Simply Shannon’s nightmares, or much more diplomatic, as is her dream man.

    using some famous European Alpha’s you can see that an Alpha can be many things but he is a leader.

    Napoleon – was of course a tyrant. A Hawk. he believed that all would be right in the world if everyone would just follow his lead and do anything and everything he said to do. This is also a very selfish type of leader.

    Chamberlain – was a Dove. He was a weak leader because he did not fulfill his mandate as a leader which is to lead even when it is not popular to do so. Europe was war weary after WWI so when a strong leader was needed, he chose instead to be popular. We now know that it is very likely that WWII in Europe could have been averted altogether if a stronger personality, in power. In short, he was too worried about what people thought of him. A good trait of a leader is they they aren’t overly concerned about what people think of them in the immediate.

    Churchill – was an Owl. Like a Hawk they are willing to use force, but they are wiser and more judicious in the use of that force. An Owl seeks to be both a Hawk and a Dove depending on what is appropriate at the time. In the end, the Doves hated Churchill, but had he been the leader 20 years later, the Doves likely would have loved him and the Hawks would have hated him. The reason is simple. Those who are moderate tend to tick off both extremes.

    I don’t see not taking No for an answer as trait of an Alpha. It really has nothing to do with being an Alpha. I’ve seen men who are not even close to being an Alpha who would not take no for an answer.

    Being an Alpha is about leadership and Lurker nailed that and is confident enough to admit that he does not like leading, and it is commendable that he does so if necessary.

    Not taking no for an answer, not taking others’ opinions and ideas into consideration , etc… has nothing to do with being an Alpha and everything to being something that also starts with an “A” but ends with “hole.”

  432.  #432Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm


    RE: #422 – You said, “he isn’t interested in Brenda for Brenda, but is interested in Brenda for what she can “give” him.”

    Very insightful, yes, this was the unspoken thing I was starting to feel, but not putting my finger on it until I read this.

    Ok, I’ll write out the latest…

  433.  #433Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    When I hear “alpha male” I think of a gorilla.

    Then one date several months ago, I had a CD remark “we, men are gross. and we are gorillas. Is that what you want?”

    What kind of PR is that for alpha male?

    The meaning I put on it is like a Donald Trump kind of guy, in charge, focused, doesn’t take no for answer, runs the whole show, workaholic, competitive for the top slot,

    so what’s the direct opposite of that, Sirens, well, that’s not what I want to be



  434.  #434Lilybelle on April 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm


    I feel protective of Brenda and Brenda’s heart.

  435.  #435Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Bren: Please excuse me for the delay. I was on the phone. I thot about it and I really will feel more comfy meeting you somewhere first. We could grab a piece of pizza and a soda then hang out at my place. What do you think?

    Cub: Maybe we see

    Bren: (Shannon’s FM): I really love it when a man takes care of me and that includes making me feel comfortable. It doesn’t feel safe meeting someone for the first time at my house.

    Cub: I will take care of you but I’m really not a big fan of eating out in public. I’m weird about that.

    Bren: I feel curious about why? I wonder if you don’t want to be seen with me.

    Cub: I would love to be seen with you. Just been that way since I got diabetes 8 years ago. Don’t like taking my needle out and using in public. I can’t explain it, it’s just me.

  436.  #436Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Nice, Rusty. You make a good point.
    Alpha = leadership
    all the rest is add on ideas on behaviors that may often accompany Alpha, but are not necessarily part of the DVM description of it, if there is such a thing.

    Does that make sense to you?


  437.  #437Rusty on April 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    @#426: Jacqueline

    “The best alphas are also alpha because they have bucket loads of charisma – people don’t even know WHY they might be following them, the worst have sycophants and too much money. smile…”

    I’m curious as to why you would say this? Napoleon was very charismatic. Hitler was Charismatic. Many of the most vile and evil leaders of our time were charismatic.

    I would say that the best leaders are not so much charismatic as respected on merit. In the military I knew many that fit both categories and often found that those who were followed because of their charisma were often the worst leaders.

    Ideally, the leader would have both. But his charisma would draw the followers, his Merit would determine whether he warranted that following.

  438.  #438mali on April 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Rusty- 431:
    Loved that post, you made some very good points!

  439.  #439Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Great incorporation of all input! But the it’s just me? uh, okay, drink black coffee. I don’t like this, and I am curious how it goes!

    Elizabeth, haha….gorillas make me think of guys with hairy backs.

    Donald Trump model works well – pretty much exactly my idea, except for younger, cuter and more built. Like Dean on Supernatural – somehow they always glance at Dean before they act (even tho Sam’s cuter! and bigger…he’s the ‘little brother’) or it’ll be Dean that says, okay let’s go. It’s instinctual, no one votes it just turns out that way – every time.

    Everyone have a great day, loving the stories!!


  440.  #440Rusty on April 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    @#436 Elizabeth

    “Does that make sense to you?”

    That makes perfect sense.

  441.  #441Simply Shannon on April 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    OMG! Brenda, YEAH!!! It wasn’t about you. Yeah yeah yeah!!! Ha! He felt safe enough to tell you what was up with him. And it wasn’t about you. Thank you God for this!! Woot woot!!!

    Me: Oh ok. I feel relieved. Thank you for sharing that with me! I still feel uncomfortable meeting at my house. What do you think?

  442.  #442Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm


    What night is The Good Wife on ?
    Thanks 🙂


  443.  #443Elizabeth on April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm


    Can he work around when he has to take his needle out in public? I don’t know. I am asking. That might be something you can ask. Don’t be overly suspicious, but some guys can be master manipulators. No, that is not a judgment, it is just being open to being aware if there is a discernment of that or not.


  444.  #444Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Rusty well in comparrison to being surrounded by sycophants, charisma looks good. And (I feel I need an I’m sorry in here?) women LIKE charisma. Obviously, the whole wide world likes it – even if it’s awful and evil and all that.

    Hopefully, we’ve evolved into not being blind sheep? There’s got to be some upside to feminism.

    For me – I constantly pointed out the flaws in my guys bossing….and told him that he was surrounded with sychophants and did he want the truth or more of Yes Sir!! for awhile he really liked it; but I think he likes sycophants best — maybe unconciously.

    yep, even with the parasites!

    noun. a self-seeking, servile flatterer; fawning parasite. …

    Bad alpha!!

  445.  #445Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Elizabeth – Tuesdays, 3 new show to the season starting next week I think, but it’s waaaay into a complex story line. You might want to catch up on Hulu – computer television for free with small commercials – if they have some of the back ones showing?

    I hope SLV SLV SLV….is Hulu-ing. I miss her!!!

    Yall have a good one!

  446.  #446Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Bren: I see. Well I’m not trying to be insensitive to your preferences. I was just throwing out an idea after didn’t seem cool with a movie theater or park. (This next part from Jacqueline:) I follow internet dating guidelines, that is all. Wanna buy me a diet soda? If not, this is getting ahead of what I want!

    Cub: Maybe we were looking for diff things, or my ad wasn’t clear. Sorry 🙁

    Bren: It feels icky when a man doesn’t care if I feel safe. It leads me to believe that you aren’t interested in me for Brenda, but are interested in Brenda for what she can give you. Have you heard how many women were murdered on blind Craigslist dates?

    Cub: Ok sorry we were looking for diff things

    Bren: I know of very few women who would be willing to meet anywhere other than a public place. I’d feel very surprised if you find one. If you do, she probably has no self-respect. I feel disappointed. Thank you anyway!

    Cub: Sorry you feel that way. But my ad was pretty clear just looking for night of kissing, cuddling.

    I’m not going to answer him. Yuck. I don’t get some men.

  447.  #447Rusty on April 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    OK, here is what I see as an Alpha in a family setting.

    Mom, son and daughter are all arguing over where we will go eat tonight. Mom isn’t so much arguing for any specific place as much as she is trying to referee the argument. She is failing miserably because she is allowing emotion to overrule judgment.

    Son wants to go for burgers, and daughter wants to go for pizza. Son is arguing that since the last time we went for fast food, it was for pizza. Mom thinks this is a good point but the daughter argues that we also had burgers off the grill just two days ago.

    So they come to dad because nobody is giving in and it is nearing time to go.

    Now Beta male would tell them to work it out and come back to let him know what they have decided. or maybe even defer the responsibility to mom by saying, Have your mother decide and this way it is two votes to one and that is where we will go.

    Bully Alpha or Beta, read that as selfish, simply takes the opportunity to choose what he has a craving for.

    Alpha male, IMHO, takes a moment to weigh things. yes pizza was the last fast food eaten out. And burgers were eaten at home two days ago. But there’s more that the others are missing here. We tend to go out for Burgers way more than pizza at a rate of 5 to 1. And while we had pizza the last time, it was the son who suggested it and the daughter wanted to go for burgers.

    So the Alpha Male would say this. “We are going for Pizza and here’s why. Son, last time we went for pizza, you were the one who wanted it and your sister wanted burgers. Plus, we just had burgers two nights ago, and finally, we go out for burgers way more often than pizza.

    Now, anyone who can enjoy going out for pizza needs to be ready to go in 5 minutes. Anyone who can’t enjoy pizza tonight is free to stay home and pull a burger out of the freezer and make it on the George Foreman.”

    This of course prevents the son from ruining the daughter’s “victory” by sulking or just plain showing his butt all night. Which, of course, would also ruin the whole family outing.

    IMHO, being an Alpha is about being a leader, and IMHO, the best leader is not a tyrant, nor does he stick his finger to the wind to see which decision will be the most popular. And finally, he isn’t afraid to make the decision out of fear that somebody may be unhappy with the decision.

    I would also say that an Alpha feels comfortable being a leader.

  448.  #448Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm


    RE: #439 – He stated earlier he doesn’t drink coffee. What I’ve gathered is it’s not the coffee, not the eating out, not the park, not the movie that bother him. It’s meeting in public. Which instantly leads me to wonder if he IS a criminal. I never said I wouldn’t ever cuddle or kiss. It’s a big issue for him to make me feel safe first.

  449.  #449Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Now he just texted, “If you want to keep talking or texting I’m fine with that.

    HuH?? It almost makes me wonder if it IS Ryan!

  450.  #450Sammie on April 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Hi Brenda,

    My thought here is that he was not looking to date. Yes, most women would not go for that. But, one thing I’ve found online is when people ask for a particular thing, that may be all that is wanted. I think you ought to be proud of yourself for opening up and giving feeling messages and practicing with this guy.


  451.  #451Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Aww Bren – but that’s part of the beauty of it, you develop the discernment, you run through the scammers faster….and remember, it took me what 100? lunches and coffees to find just ONE….

    PROUD of you!!!


  452.  #452Jacqueline on April 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    ps – but you totally should write back and say, well it’s odd your ad was in relationships and not NSA’s then. Good luck!

    heeeheee…he’ll get it!

  453.  #453Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Bren: Well I stated that I’m very open to cuddling and kissing. Is it wrong to simply want to meet first to feel safe?

  454.  #454Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Cub: It’s not wrong at all

  455.  #455Sammie on April 20, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Of course it is more “hooking up.” And that can be fun. Although, sure don’t want to let your heart get attached to a guy who is upfront about just wanting kissing and cuddling.

  456.  #456Brenda on April 20, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Bren: I feel better. Cuz cuddling is my favorite thing in the world to do.

    Cub: Me too I’m a very affectionate person. I love to cuddle and kiss.

    Then we exchanged smiley faces.

    Cub: I guess just keep texting, emailing, and talking until we reach a compromise lol

    So I guess I will send back one more smiley face and let it rest for now. He’s sure making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

  457.  #457Darling Ella on April 20, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Rusty #447:

    That’s my Alpha male 🙂 Thank you for the awesome presentation 🙂 I sure loved it!!!

    Warm hugs,