What To Do In The Face Of NO

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A bunch of comments here centered around what to do in this situation:

A man cancels on you.

Could be:

He hasn’t called even though he said he would or you hoped he would, or he makes a date and then doesn’t call to confirm or show up, or he cancels a Saturday night date, or you’ve been planning to meet for months, and he keeps getting held up by work, or his children, or, in the case of Linda G – illness (here’s one of her comments around this – and you’ll see all the responses and advice offered, especially by Mercedes).

Mercedes gave advice that was EXACTLY what any one of us would be feeling in the the situation and WANT to say to him, and she also said that I might find her course of action to be “Passive-Aggressive.”

I want to reply to all the comments and then jump off…

So – what is “passive-aggressive?”

Basically – it’s the opposite of “the Truth.”

And telling anything but the Truth will ball up your insides.

Aggressive means you are leaning forward, you have strong feelings, it encompasses a feeling of force, passion, anger, rage, exhilaration…aggression is ACTION, and it’s often propelled by hurt, desire for revenge, fear, a need to control a situation.

Passive means NO ACTION. So, here you are in a state of Action and No Action.

How can this be?

In a basketball game, you’re supposed to be “aggressive.” You “foul” the other team’s player sometimes in your action trying to get the ball to the basket. And yet, you are in control. You don’t go around hitting other players when you’re feeling especially aggressive and frustrated – so you either handle your aggression, or you “trash-talk.” if you can’t find a suitable way to be aggressive without breaking the rules – you can’t play.

If you want to play basketball, and you know you can’t push and shove your way to the basket – but the NEED and the IMPULSE to push and shove is stronger than your love of the game, and so you instinctively hold back on your aggression (don’t shoot when you have the opportunity, pass the ball rather than take control of it, don’t run into the crowd under the basket to try to get one in when you have the ball – you’re not going to be able to play. You’re going to hold yourself back. Is THIS passive-aggressive? No.

What if you feel the need to push and shove and make things happen out there on the floor, but hold yourself back because you’re afraid of fouling or breaking the rules – but the tension of that is too much for you, and so you yell at the umpires and the other players, you argue with them, you tell everyone what they’re doing wrong that’s preventing you from getting the ball in the hoop. Is THIS passive-aggressive? Yes.

Is it passive-aggressive to refrain from hitting someone when you’re really, really angry? No.

Is it passive-aggressive to say or do nothing at all when you’re really, really angry or excited? No.

is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone when you’re really, really angry? No, if that’s all you do.

Is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone and refrain from hitting them when you’re really, really angry and to TELL them what they did to make you so angry? Yes.

Passive-aggression is not just STUFFING your feelings. When you stuff down your feelings and smile when you feel murderous – that’s still just stuffing. The damage is being done inside you, in the cells of your body, in your mind, in your heart. It’s aggression turned inward. It results in depression and illness and stress and tension and emotional and physical damage.

Passive-aggression happens when we’re stuffed to the gills with our feelings, and we can’t stuff anymore, and we just have to do SOMETHING with them, to keep them from spilling out, and we do it in the only way we know, the only way we’ve seen, the only way we feel reasonably safe.

Passive aggression happens when we are stuffed to the gills with our feelings from our whole lives, and so when we’re triggered, we have to take ACTION to keep them from spilling out.

We call it passive-aggressive because it IS aggressive.

It could be complaining. It could be a nice letter telling someone what you think. It could be gossip. It could be fouling hard in the basketball game when you really don’t need to, because you’re still upset over the last call. It can be violence in a way that we hope doesn’t LOOK like violence.

It could be feeling intense sexual desire for a man, or passion for a political cause, or rapture when you see a sunset – and yet feeling that expressing those feelings by spontaneously kissing someone or screaming out at a meeting, or throwing yourself on the ground and looking up at the sky would be inappropriate, and doing something ELSE instead. Something like “teasing” the man, or quickly criticizing him. Or saying something nasty about the “opposition.” Or turning your back on the sunset and complaining in your head about the kite-flyer who’s in your way.

It could be telling a man who is saying “No” what you think about him saying No.

And – who cares if we’re passive-aggressive? I mean, what’s so bad about that?

Passive-Aggressive means you are FEELING ANGRY, but you choose to be reasonable, or pleasant, or nice, or teacher-like, as though you are lecturing.

It means, at bottom, that you’re focused on someone ELSE’S behavior – on what they’ve done and your opinion and even feeling ABOUT it, how it’s landing with you…all that. It is essentially not an expression – it’s a DEFENSE. It’s a kind of revenge. It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…)

And the ultimate effect is that it does damage to YOU. It gets you riled up. It accentuates your disappointment, and it makes you feel scuzzy because you KNOW you’re just talking about another person – and here – without even KNOWING the other person, really – and that you’re not even telling the truth about YOURSELF!

Below all the anger and disappointment and frustration is Love. The intense DESIRE to love. for the basketball player, it’s the love of the game. The feeling of exhilaration he or she has for PLAYING the game. For you and I, here, it’s the love of romance, of relationship, of connection. It’s the love of Love.

And we have to work out, in ourselves, how to tend our often boiling-over soup pot of emotions in a way that serves our love of Love. This is how we get the love we want.

Otherwise, we stay stuck in the tending.

This is where compassion helps you and judgment hurts you. Compassion for you, and compassion for everyone and everything else. And why Boundaries are necessary if you’re to go to the fullest in love and compassion.

You may be, like Mercedes, really really good at this Boundary stuff. Well – to take a step further – imagine what you could do if your boundaries were really so strong that you wouldn’t feel the need to reach out across the space that’s between us and another person and tell them ANYTHING?

What if you didn’t have to do ANYTHING to TEND to your emotional soup except be with it and speak from it?

What if you could just sit with your feelings and then let them out in a way that’s not “passive,” and that’s not “aggressive” either. (Linda G – you did this in your email version. You wanted to make contact, you wanted to respond, and you wanted to walk that wire between anger and disappointment and a desire for compassion and love.)

We want to find the place that’s not merely the easy answer – ASSERTION. (Remember Assertion Training for Women? – We can talk about that later, too…) We want to find that place that’s EXPRESSIVE.

Let’s let that concept just sit for a bit. To be neither passive, nor aggressive, nor even concerned with being assertive – but to focus on being expressive.

Let’s look at another side of this – the part that triggers us to be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive:

If someone says to you that they are unable to be with you because they…can’t (sick, tired, overworked, exhausted, too poor, children, job, time, feeling unattractive because they’re sick, or wanting you to come to them and mother them when they’re sick…) then…they can’t.

Makes no difference if it’s “can’t” or “won’t” – and I think that’s what this discussion is about.

The answer then is always…”Sorry you ‘re (overworked, sick…), I’ll miss seeing you, and thank you for letting me know, and I have to go now (and go do something amazing from your Channeling list)…

Doesn’t matter if THEY’RE telling the truth, doesn’t matter WHAT they’re doing…the actual thing that’s happening is they are saying NO to you, you have feelings around that, and you have the urge to communicate your feelings around it.

But what you do in the face of a NO can make a huge difference in your life.

Gathering all this energy in response to a NO is very draining to your system. You can spend your life responding to NO’s – preparing for NO’s. We gear up our bodies and our hearts for Nos – and yet so many of us court them.

We put ourselves in places constantly where No’s will happen (we choose to be models or actors when we actually have more energy around rejection than we do around our love for acting or modeling, and sometimes that makes all the difference in terms of success).

We love men who don’t live anywhere near us and test the fragile bonds of connection 24/7 – hoping the magic will hold.

It’s not possible to love Love more than we feel pressed to continue our draining habits of tending to our emotional soup without loving OURSELVES most of all.

And so WE have to practice saying NO. Once WE can say no, we can start to look all the other “No’s” out there square in the face and be okay.

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

“Okay, so he doesn’t want to see me.”

“Okay, even though the sex was fantastic, he still calls me his ‘friend.'”

“Okay, I feel riled up, my soup is in an uproar, I feel pain and hurt and disappointment and…so…

***...this doesn’t feel good.”

This doesn’t feel good.

This is your easiest, clearest way to express your feelings about getting a No.

Try saying it to yourself, and then use riffing and all your other Tools to get connected to your Soup, to get connected to your compassion for yourself, which is inextricably and forever attached, no matter how much we’d like it not to be true – to everyone else, including a man who’s wronged you or simply said “No” to you.

Go spontaneously kiss a tree, get on your feet and yell “Bravo” in a theater, and really, really look at the sunset in companionship with the kite-flyers.

No is just one more step to Yes. Keep on your road to Happy Ever After, and don’t let anyone hold you up. If he can’t or won’t walk with you – just keep walking. There’s plenty to see, plenty to feel, and so much love inside you to express and attract even more love.

Next, I’ll be talking about building Romance in your life…

Love, Rori

79 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    It’s this part that I probably disagree with most (coming from my own perspective and my own way of doing things…not saying you’re wrong, just saying it’s not me…at all)…You said:

    “Doesn’t matter if THEY’RE telling the truth, doesn’t matter WHAT they’re doing…the actual thing that’s happening is they are saying NO to you, you have feelings around that, and you have the urge to communicate your feelings around it.”

    That’s not me. If someone lies to me and I KNOW they’re lying, it DOES matter…it matters a LOT and I will call them out on it…but in a sweet way. I don’t want to embarass anyone or hurt anyone, but in a nice way, I let them know I’m aware they’re lying. It stops that pattern from continuing. When a person lies to me and I let them get away with it, I don’t think it makes me look strong and confident. I think it makes me look like a pushover and a doormat. If a man doesn’t want to see me, he can step up, be a man and tell me that. I can handle it.

    But, as you said, I am good at boundaries and when someone crosses one, you are correct in that it doesn’t matter WHY…but it matters that they did it and I will let them know that I am not gullable and they won’t get away with it.

    My boyfriend tried a lie with me, but he forgot that he had already confessed the truth to me months earlier. I called him out on it…right away…and I told him “You don’t have to lie to me…we’ve come too far for that. When you lie, it’s generally because you don’t want to hurt me or my feelings. I’m a strong and capable woman…let me decide when something hurts.”



  2.  #2Jane on April 9, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Wow, needed to hear this right now:

    ““Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

    “Keep on your road to Happy Ever After, and don’t let anyone hold you up. If he can’t or won’t walk with you – just keep walking. There’s plenty to see, plenty to feel, and so much love inside you to express and attract even more love.”

    Thank you.



  3.  #3Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Oh and Rori: Thank you so much for this post. I love hearing your perspective. You and I have very different styles in some ways (which is why I said I should probably keep that kind of advice off of your blog and on my own) and I love seeing your style in action. For me, this isn’t about how I feel about hearing the word “No”…I’m in a good place with that. It’s about being respected and when a man lies about why he doesn’t want to or can’t see me…that’s not respectful enough for me and I’m calling him on it.

    You are so soft and feminine…and I am too in a lot of ways, but where you have been able to give the masculine part of your relationship over to your husband, I still cling to some of mine…and I like it that way the same as I’m sure you like yours the way it is. We are the same yet different. We teach the same thing in different ways. We actually make quite the pair! LOL

    Jane: Yeah…being able to move forward when someone rejects you…that’s a good feeling. It means you are confident and that’s a VERY sexy quality in my eyes. Same way when a man is confident enough to tell me I’m not right for him…that’s something I can respect.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  4.  #4Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    I am so thrilled to read about this topic, especially since it evolves around my issue, not just this time, but time after time. So many of my relationships ended with me hanging on far too long, trying to convince a guy to stay, either through sex, or just turning a blind eye to the “no”, hanging on for months and months, making a fool out of myself,desperately.
    I did not want to react the same way this time. I have had guys not show up for first coffee dates, even without calling, and I just felt bad and then pushed it aside. First, I felt really awful, but as I am getting used to dating more than one guy at a time, I now do my best to rebound quicker and try to fill his spot.
    But with this guy, you are right, Rori, I became invested. When he first cancelled, yes he did it twice before, I came back all sweet and understanding, though still with the view that I am here being a goddess and you can choose to join me or not.
    I would never have had the strength to write the email you are addressing without the help of what I have learned from you and the girls on this blog. I was crushed.
    Finally, I feel good about myself, isn’t that my real goal?



  5.  #5Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Linda: “hanging on for months and months, making a fool out of myself,desperately”…yeah…I used to do that really BAD….I’m sort of embarassed about it now. Looking back…well…I don’t know…I guess that’s why I stand up for myself so much now.

    I’m glad you brought this up.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  6.  #6Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    I keep reading this over and over trying to learn from it and I’m wondering…does anyone else disagree with this part:

    “If someone says to you that they are unable to be with you because they…can’t (sick, tired, overworked, exhausted, too poor, children, job, time, feeling unattractive because they’re sick, or wanting you to come to them and mother them when they’re sick…) then…they can’t.

    Makes no difference if it’s “can’t” or “won’t”

    It does make a difference to me. If it’s “can’t” maybe we can another time. If it’s “won’t” then just freak’n tell me so we don’t keep pretending it’s a “maybe some day”. If it’s a “no…never”…then I deserve to know that.

    Hmmm….really…I would love to hear more thoughts on this. Please….comment the heck out of this one. I love the insight from others!



  7.  #7Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    I feel the essence isthat of “no”, meaning that it doesn’t matter why they don’t meet you, your part, our part, is to be able to accept the fact and leave it up to him to ask again, or not, and then you/we can use our own boundaries/judgement to decide if we accept or not.



  8.  #8Jane on April 9, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Mercedes,

    I’m so like you, “It does make a difference to me. If it’s “can’t” maybe we can another time. If it’s “won’t” then just freak’n tell me so we don’t keep pretending it’s a “maybe some day”. If it’s a “no…never”…then I deserve to know that.”

    I wish I could see a “can’t” and a “won’t” as the same – and accept them with equal grace. Life would be simpler. But they don’t feel that way to me. One feels circumstantial, the other much more personal, because “won’t” is a choice. It’s a rejection. And when someone DECIDES not to be with you, not call, not bother showing up — well, that hurts.

    My personality is one that needs answers, so I can deal with whatever it is — and however bad it is — and move on. Not knowing is torture. It’s the stuff that makes me break out in hives, feel crazy and full of fear and anxiety.
    Mercedes — what’s your website?



  9.  #9Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    I agree Linda. It’s not the “no”…it’s not even the “why”. You’re right, it doesn’t matter why. It’s the lie. If he’s lying to me (and in your situation, maybe he isn’t…at this point, this is about how I would feel and what I would do if something like this was happening to me…it’s not advice to you – btw…I love your email response. It’s very true to who you are and I’m proud of you for putting so much feeling into it).

    Anyway…I have a boundary when it comes to being lied to. I have no patience for it. I wouldn’t let someone get away with a lie…it shows them that they can lie to me again and again and that I’m too stupid or gullible or whatever to catch it. That’s the part that matters to me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Jane: You can click on my name…it’ll take you to my site. I haven’t talked about this subject at all, but it’s all about boundaries. LOL…those are HUGE with me! 🙂



  11.  #11Jane on April 9, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    I have to practice, practice Rori’s tools, because feeling messages don’t feel natural, and letting go and being okay with not understanding something is VERY difficult (impossible?) for me. But I know that what I’ve been doing hasn’t worked in my relationships (I overfunction, constantly), and I see how men respond to authenticity and emotion (I’ve been told by men that I have “walls up” and tend to analyze things) so when I practice a couple of these tools, I get results, and this is validating for me. I will always have masculine energy, but I am becoming more feminine, and friends are seeing this and I am attracting more men than I ever have, and I am feeling like I am becoming more whole. It is bewildering, and rewarding and powerful and…scary.

    The image in my mind is a pink and white rose, blooming, petals unfurling.



  12.  #12Mercedes on April 9, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Oh and Jane…one more thing. If you read my blog, you might want to at the very least start with the post I call “The Real Rules”…it lists them all out. Otherwise, you’ll start with #4 and it might not make as much sense.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  13.  #13Linda G on April 9, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    The lie is the awful part, true. But the lie is what affects how we will respond to him in the future. It does nothing to yell at him for it, but allows you to blow off steam. I feel the thing is that we should be in a place where we are not concerned because we don’t have the time to wait for anyone to show up, if they do, maybe we’ll bother with them, maybe not. if they don’t show up it’sokay, we have a life, other guys, other things more important than his issues.



  14.  #14Linmayu on April 9, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    All those men on the street I often rant about, who look at me and then look away with their noses in the air, are saying No to me. I’ve started, within the last two days, looking at them to see who they are. I’ve noticed that when I do this, I say No to all of them. These judgments are quite instant; I can look at a man and determine within seconds that I wouldn’t want to get to know him. The way he dresses, the way he walks, his hair, the look on his face. No to you, no to you, no to you. Guess what. Now a few of them are saying Yes to me. Checking me out, smiling at me. Earlier today a man on the train (who was very much a No) focused quite a bit of attention on me. It felt awkward and weird.

    My ex used to call me passive-aggressive ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I was, but it didn’t matter. The minute he pulled out that label, he drew that line in the sand and I’d be DAMNED if I’d let him win that fight. I felt so angry, so insulted, and so OUTRAGED. And there was no place for that to go. The soup had been boiling over for years.

    I feel like all these most recent posts are revisiting situations that I used to have to deal with but don’t now because I’m alone. Being alone gives me a strong perspective, maybe too strong. If these are the situations I can expect if I enter into relationship, then why even do it? For the love of the game, for that deep desire to love? I still have that, I still feel that. Right now, it’s a deep desire to love God, a deep desire to love myself and focus on myself. And a calm, quiet love that radiates out for others. It feels peaceful and centered and quite nice.

    My sensitivity is returning as well and I don’t like that. I sat at work, in between two women who were having a completely normal discussion about accounting…and I could hardly take it. The energy felt so violent. I wanted to pick myself up and take myself out of the room! Normally I would have shut down and closed off, but I refused to let myself do that. I wanted to see how it felt. Eventually one of the women expressed empathy for me having to be a part of the discussion that was going on over my head, and the air felt so much lighter after that. Would have been easy to shut down and tune out, but glad I didn’t, and more so that I was able to stay with my feelings rather than my thoughts.



  15.  #15Daria on April 9, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    I feel so inspired.

    I have spent the whole day imagining I have a tiger tattooed on the side of my face. It feels sireny. I feel so powerful.

    I found myself holding my head up. Feeling more comfortable with people staring at my face. Being able to look people in the eye.

    I recommend this to anyone. This was inspired by a woman who does have a tiger tatooed on her face, Monica Leon, a reality tv contestant.

    It feels really freeing. I feel like I have really been able to change something in how I feel and carry myself. I feel so confident that if I have a tiger on my face, I can expect people to look at me, maybe with surprise maybe with interest, maybe with judgement. And I can feel good and enjoy. I really liked how this girl seemed to enjoy her life. I have been enjoying my day today, including my “alone” moments. They don’t feel so alone because I have a tiger on my face and people stare at me. There is always the opportunity to connect.

    This feels amazing. I feel grateful. I feel so filled and like my life is becoming the enchanted life I Love, and not ” a semi-charmed kinda life, that I need something else to get me thru.”



  16.  #16Daria on April 9, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Hmm.. I feel a little triggered.

    People lie when saying no because of their own defenses and triggers. (For example I would have a hard time saying a truth like “I don’t find you sexually attractive but really enjoy when you take me out to dinner.”)

    I don’t feel that I have the power (and unless triggered the intent) to force them to “stand up and be a man” or “not lie to me.” This feels attached and attacking.

    If I was not sure I was being lied to I would feel ____suspicious. if I realized I WAS being lied to I would feel _____awful, frozen, angry, scared, disgusted, furious, outraged.



  17.  #17Daria on April 9, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Linmayu awesome… with my TIGER ON FACE tool I can now join you practicing looking men in the eye.

    PS this post really spoke to me RORI Thank you.

    “Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

    “Okay, so he doesn’t want to see me.”

    “Okay, even though the sex was fantastic, he still calls me his ‘friend.’”

    “Okay, I feel riled up, my soup is in an uproar, I feel pain and hurt and disappointment and…so…

    ***…this doesn’t feel good.”



  18.  #18Erika on April 9, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    I actually am not a fan of the label “passive-aggressive.” It’s too vague. It leaves me confused and dissatisfied. It feels like a cop out.

    For me, the world has become more simple. We can either stuff our feelings or feel/express them. Feeling/expressing them can take lots of different forms. I used to express my feelings with the hope it would bring other people closer. And often it does. But sometimes now I’m okay with expressing strong feelings and knowing it might mean I don’t hear from the other person for a while. The feeling/expression has become more important than the outcome with a particular person.

    The realization that with some men, their communication is still so ego-based that we’re not going to have a warm and fuzzy relationship anytime soon … and then if my attempts to feel/express are not working, I’d rather disengage than continue to be in that situation.

    Or there may be a man with good communication whom I adore. But if the situation feels too wishy-washy to me, then again, I’d rather feel/express and disengage instead of feel/express with the hope that “maybe someday” something will change.

    I’m not sure this is making any sense. I’ve had something I want to express the last few Rori posts and I can’t quite find the words yet …



  19.  #19Linmayu on April 9, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    OK, so I responded to my ex’s e-mail with the most clean, beautiful, authentic expression of the truth that I’ve ever come out with in my entire life.

    No reply.

    Okay, so he doesn’t want to go there with me.

    This doesn’t feel good.

    I feel stupid and vulnerable, like I put myself out there and lost, publicly and shamefully, and now people are watching on their TV screens all across the country and my name is now the latest household word for LOSER.

    When I asked for help a few posts back I wanted to be talked out of expressing anything to him. I suppose I wanted some tough love. And like, when I sent the e-mail, I felt like I’d be OK even if he did exactly what I expected which was to not even acknowledge me. I felt like I’d made some kind of authenticity breakthrough, but now I feel like I’m just fooling myself while going around and around in fucking circles of please hurt me and please disappoint me. Am I really getting stronger, triggering my own self like this?

    This doesn’t feel good.

    Eating this delicious sandwich, though, feels quite good; I’d been needing some good solid nutrition all day. And now that this food orgy is done with, sleep would feel great. Taking care of myself rocks.



  20.  #20Daria on April 9, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    Linmayu… actually the way I imagine it your e-mail had quite an impact. First it opened you up to being triggered by experimenting. Second, he had a chance to FEEL your email (since it was authentic). Thus it had an impact.

    Simply because he didn’t answer right away doesn’t mean it didn’t have an impact. I’ve noticed in my experiments that after a particularly powerful truth from me there is usually a lull in exchange until he picks up again. So him NOT ANSWERING I would use as evidence of how authentic and apparently impactful my statement actually was.



  21.  #21Daria on April 9, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    So I felt attacked by my mom when I wanted to go out tonite. And because I have a tiger on my face now I felt more aware. I did feel very defensive and didn’t get to the feeling messages.

    I am taking that I am being attacked as evidence that my self esteem is going higher and I am carrying myself like a Goddess. I feel like carrying myself this way might initially encounter resistance from those not used to it (my parents) even though their intentions are unconscious. So I feel glad that I am progressing. I am going to try my best to express feelings… I feel shocked, this doesn’t feel good… although I feel afraid that can escalate the conflict. I may try saying that and quickly removing myself from the situation (instead of defending and quickly removing myself as I did tonite). I feel glad for my awareness and a little dissappointed that there is still work to do here and it feels quite scary, intimidating, embarassing.



  22.  #22Linmayu on April 9, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Thanks for your insight Daria. Right now I am feeling loved by the universe, and very sensual. I want to go swimming in a heated pool and experience that kind of warmth and freedom of movement, and the way the water surrounding me slows me down, and being able to create graceful undulations with my body, the kind that one cannot do under the full effect of gravity.

    I’m also feeling frustrated, like a kid in the back seat of the minivan asking “Are we THERE yet?” every 5 minutes. I want to be THERE already, as in I want to be fully enlightened and in a perfect loving relationship and with a perfect body. The body at least, I know I will have, because my sensitivity is increasing to the point where I can’t tolerate it if I haven’t worked out in two days, where I absolutely can’t stand the way I feel a few minutes after ingesting too much sugar. These things make me FEEL death in my body and that does not feel good. Jumping on the trampoline, stretching, walking, and eating homemade sandwiches and salads and fruit and drinking 8 glasses of water a day, now that feels good. But always after a few days of discipline I get lazy and fall off the wagon and the scale consequently doesn’t really move outside my normal 2-lb fluctuation.



  23.  #23Daria on April 10, 2009 at 12:03 am

    Hmm… Linmayu are you wanting to lose weight (I am asking because of the scale comment).

    I too get lazy after a few days of discipline. I feel like I have this belief ingrained that too much discipline doesn’t feel good. So sometimes I sabotage my efforts although I am getting stronger (according to my last attempt at working out 10 days in a row – I made 8 personal record!).

    A really feel good workout I enjoy and is great for FEELING GOOD balancing hormones and body is at T-Tapp.com

    There’s also some try before you buy moves Free. They look funny and easy… the trick is in keeping the right form and they really DO the JOB (of making my body, joints, spine posture feel great).



  24.  #24gina on April 10, 2009 at 12:29 am

    I was late for something today, and among other things (rude, inconsiderate, etc) I consider it passive aggressive. I was supposed to be somewhere at “close to 8am. Between 8 and 8:30am.” I got there at 8:28. I felt embarrassed. Funny thing is, in this example, I’m kinda sorta on time. Often, I’m just flat out LATE to work, etc. Today, I was venturing into something totally uncomfortable, and I felt halfhearted about doing it at all – I resisted being on time. I sense that being “on time” is almost spiritual. It allows the movement of life to happen with ease. Being late creates discord, tension and stress. In this situation today, once I arrived, it was very clear to me, that I ought to have treated the occasion with due respect, and been on time. Then I realized that my consistent tardiness to work is an act of disrespect. The feelings I’m stuffing down are frustration, resentment, guilt, shame, and anger. I feel ashamed that I haven’t achieved more and done more by my age. I feel guilty about time wasted. I feel angry that I’m underpaid. I feel ashamed that I don’t show up on time, and therefore, don’t really deserve better pay. Tomorrow, I grant myself the pleasure of arriving 5 minutes early to both of my jobs.

    Do you agree that chronic tardiness is an act of self-sabotage and passive aggression? Or is it just aggression?



  25.  #25Daria on April 10, 2009 at 12:39 am

    I REALLY RELATE TO THIS GINA!

    I also started being late to my last job because I was feeling frustrated there (too many days, or whatever).

    I actually didn’t get a raise because of it and I quit.



  26.  #26Daria on April 10, 2009 at 12:40 am

    I feel so glad you addressed this.

    It feels awesome and your insights are so clear and inspiring.



  27.  #27Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 12:43 am

    i feel that i always had a problem saying NO…to everyone i really cared about and as a consequence i felt so bad when others said no to me because i tried so hard to please others and felt that the same should be done for me…talk about someone doing an overfunction full time…
    This post has really opened mt eyes,thanks rori..
    I am learning to say No,its really hard but i recognize the benefit of being aunthetic and expressive as well truthful about how we feel inside…its so important…
    It opens me up and makes me feel more feminine and i feel happier and lighter..Love this feeling..

    I f a guy says no…its okay…i go on and feel that and continue with my journey..
    If he just wants friendship yet i feel something more…
    it doesnt feel go…okay…
    I feel humiliated,i feel sad i feel upset…i feel i want to lean forward…i feel wait a minute,i deserve better..if he doesn’t feel the same way ido,that doesnt make me feel good,
    I feel i should let go and find someone who feels commited to me…i feel okay,i can find someone who wants to commit to me…i feel hopeful..

    Hugs,

    Tracy



  28.  #28gina on April 10, 2009 at 12:48 am

    Mercedes,
    In the example you gave, it sounds like you are “asserting yourself.” I like Rori’s suggestion to choose compassion over judgment – I’ve done lots of judging: it builds up my ego, and gets me thinking. I don’t want more of that. In fact I’d like to free myself of my ego and it’s incessant need to be “right,” and just express my own point of view. I find that if I free myself to express my truth, other people become liberated as well (the truth will set you free), and they can articulate their truth without having to worry about “being right.” They are given the opportunity to see how their behavior affected me, and I believe we’re both more likely to learn and grow from an emotional honest exchange, than from me “teaching them a lesson.”



  29.  #29Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 12:52 am

    It sounds like passive aggressive is a way of looking for a fight, creating conflict to justify a negative feeling. and it doesn’t get us what we are after, the raise or the guy.
    For me, timing is a big issue. When someone keeps me waiting, it’s a clear sign they are being disrespectful of my time and that’s passive aggressive. My ex was like that in the final installment. Not late, but just not showing up emotionally, his way of forcing me to force his hand. I still feel mad at him for that, it really poisoned me against him.



  30.  #30Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Daria, you are so awesome. I love your tiger face tool. it feels so empowering for you.



  31.  #31Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Gina,Daria,
    I can relate to this too…well i guess for me i was getting late for work because i was feeling frustrated about my failed relationship,i was studying and i had so much to read and no time,and i guess i felt that my life was diorganized and i didn’t know where to start.
    Yet most of my friends were getting married settling down and have better jobs and better pay…
    I t felt humiliating and overwhelming and i felt de motivated to go on hence my dis-organized self
    I stil haven’t managed to come up with a good organized timetable,my exams are coming up soon and i feel abit worried i might not do so well…
    Anyway i realized that its time i worked on my inside,and then work on my outside,….
    Thanks Daria,Gina for pointing this out.

    Hugs,

    Tracy



  32.  #32Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 12:59 am

    Linmayu, you did great sending that email. You were expressing your truth in a new and unique way. I agree with daria, in that when someone gets a message like this, especially when it is unexpected and a new way for them to see you, it takes awhile to digest.
    What you were going for was to get your tuth out there. You can’t control his reaction, even though we all know this is our underlying need, to get a reaction. Silence is good.



  33.  #33Ann on April 10, 2009 at 12:59 am

    I’m reading on the blog tonight, not sure how many different emotions I’m going to be feeling with my hubby’s illness. I want to try to stay feminine in this altho I feel my masculine side will have to come out at times.

    I like this post because again to me it says focus on my feelings, my soup. It gives me tools to work with. I try to use Rori’s tools when dealing with everyone.

    To me can’t means someone for whatever reason can’t do something I won’t them to. Won’t simply means they won’t do it for whatever reason they choose. I can’t change their can’t or won’t all I can do is take responsibility for my own feelings and use the tools to feel good again.

    I like the quote “Don’t let anyone tell you no who doesn’t have the power to tell you yes” How does that apply to a man who says he can’t or won’t do something for me? Because he can only speak for hisself. He can’t tell me that another man can’t/won’t call, date, love etc… He can’t tell me I can’t date myself, be a goddess, have fun any number of ways.



  34.  #34Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Ann,
    Sending you a big cyber hug and praying that your hubby gets well soon..keep strong.
    Hugs
    Tracy



  35.  #35Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Ann, I feel so much compassion for you and your hubby right now. Also, right now you need to use your masculine side to make sure things get done for him the way you want, the way he needs them. this is the beauty of having both sides, masculine and feminine.



  36.  #36Ann on April 10, 2009 at 1:22 am

    Thank you ladies I appreciate your encouragement. Linda G I know you are right. I’ve just worked so hard to bring my feminine side out that I don’t won’t to lose it. Altho, I know I will be masculine(and have been already the last few days)when I have to be.



  37.  #37Maria on April 10, 2009 at 1:57 am

    Mercedes,
    l have to say with full admiration that l totally relate to your wiew of how you handle your Passive Agressive situation, as you described just by saying : Let ME decide what hurts or not.
    l share the same wiew in life – l think when l sniff that there is possibility of lies, l would rather find it out then just being “nice” about it.
    PLus – l want to know when NO is definite. l dont want to waiste my time on “possibilities” or “imaginaries”

    BUT l have realized, that l havent said much NO´s myself, so l need to learn to do that, so l have better understanding and easier attitude, when No is said to me.

    p.s. Linmay you are beautiful:)



  38.  #38Mercedes on April 10, 2009 at 3:14 am

    You ladies are AWESOME…all the different perspectives! Remember, it’s not the “no” that bothers me…it’s when someone lies to me.

    Maria…that’s exactly how I feel…when we let a lie go, we’re just being nice about it.

    Gina: You hit the nail on the head! I’m asserting myself (I do it in lots of situations). I’m not aggressive (would never be mean to anyone)…CERTAINLY not passive (although I spent all of my high school years being overweight and shy….quite different from the public speaking-out there-crazy-5’1″-98lb ball of fire I am today! LOL) but yes….when needed, I am not at all afraid of asserting myself. Actually, I think it’s sexy (so does my boyfriend)…that’s what I was trying to get at. I knew what I was saying was against what Rori teaches but couldn’t really put my finger on what exactly was “wrong” (heehee..for lack of a better word).

    That’s it though. In my email suggestion, I was asserting myself. This is what I told Linda I would say:

    “I’m sorry you’re not going to be able to make it. It felt good to know that after all this time we were finally going to meet and I am disappointed. I’m curious to know what exactly that ailment is that would allow doctors to know you’ll be able to travel in two years. I’d like to research it on the internet just to satisfy my own curiousity. Modern medicine is fascinating. How do they know so much so far in advance? Anyway…I digress.

    I feel that by you indicating you could come see me in a couple of years we are on a different page here and I’d like to clear up what’s going on with me. I have so much love and understanding and compassion and fun and excitement in my heart and I intend to share all of that with a man. I will not be available in two years. Maybe you misunderstood or I miscommunicated in some way but I am looking for a mature, adult, real relationship. I’m looking for a man to share my life with. Also, I’m sure you’re going to want to remain friends and stay in contact, but the attraction level is too high for that. It puts both of our hearts in a dangerous place and I don’t want to run the risk of compromising my dream of finding true love. It certainly was a pleasure getting to know you though.”

    It’s all sweet and sugary but it’s telling the man several things:
    1. I don’t believe you are that sick. You are lying to me and I’d like to prove it. You tell me what ails you and I’ll research it and you’ll be caught in your lie.
    2. My self esteem is too high for me to wait around for you for a couple of years.
    3. I’m too much of a Goddess to even be AVAILABLE in two years….got my heart set on a man and going for it.
    4. A relationship is what I’m looking for, a relationship is what i’ll have.
    5. No friendship!! because I don’t want to find myself “waiting” for things to develop between us enough to get you to come to me the way I want you to.
    6. I’m walking away.

    I love saying those things….and I love the way Linda said her truth…and still, after all of this, if this situation happened to me, I would take my suggestion to Linda, copy and paste it into an email and fire it off to my newest ex wanna-be boyfriend. 🙂



  39.  #39Maria on April 10, 2009 at 4:07 am

    l think its the message to a man that “you know, you just cant mess with me and get away with your lies” it iis wether black or white in this case…being nice does not add a thing to our account, and when we die, noone would thank us for being nice to someone who just does not pay enough respect.



  40.  #40DocK on April 10, 2009 at 6:27 am

    WOW! What an interesting thread! I find myself reading one comment and thinking, ‘that makes sense,’ and another, different, and, well, ‘that makes sense too.’

    I can give an example of what “passive aggressive” was to me (and I was the one doing it) in a work situation…

    I was asked to write an instructional manual because they said, “you’re the expert.” I did. They asked me to teach the info. I did. They created a division to perform this function and put a man in charge that was politically connected (as opposed to me – the “expert”). Then, he came to me constantly for help. I helped, but only so much. I was angry (aggressive) but held back some of my knowledge. I wasn’t attacking, accusing, expressing my anger – just witholding because of what I was feeling. So, in a way, doing harm, but in a non-confrontational way.

    Some people might support my action/non-action saying that I was being treated unfairly but I was actually not living in integrity. In my defense, I did still have my own job to do – not his AND mine – but I did, eventually, try to educate him and then just let him do the job he was put in charge to do.

    Anyway, I think that passive/aggressive shows up in relationships in the way that Otto and Susie Collins describe as “talking on eggshells.” It’s when you feel you can’t say what you really want to say about something yet you feel angry, hurt, mistrust or whatever but don’t want to “rock the boat.” Like Rori says, you’re acting nice but not feeling that way. The feelings and actions are in opposition. Eventually, though, it just blows up!

    Again, I think this goes back to what Rori (and the Collins duo) try to teach us – you CAN speak truth, in any situation, calmly and with clarity, with feeling but not drama. I’d feel like a million bucks if I could tell you I am able to do this myself all of the time but I would be lying – I do try to be self-aware and catch myself. Feel I’m “getting it” a little more every day : )



  41.  #41Mercedes on April 10, 2009 at 6:48 am

    Based on some of the definitions here, I’d have to say passive-aggressive is not the word for what I do. I say what I feel, I just do it in a kind of sneaky way…letting other’s know their behavior wasn’t appropriate. It’s kind of like when someone doesn’t like me and is rude to me all the time. In order to make that harder for them, I don’t engage in it, I don’t let them see a reaction from me…instead, I am extra nice to them. A VERY cheerful “Good Morning!” will come from me EVERY DAY if someone doesn’t like me. I know it drives them nuts…I simply don’t care. My “motto”:

    Beat ’em to death with a Hallmark card.

    I can be such a sneaky little thing…and I like that about myself… 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  42.  #42Flipper on April 10, 2009 at 7:07 am

    I feel the “can’ts” we’re talking about in these situations are the kind that Feel like “and actually, I might not if I could”, however bona fide they Appear. When there’s really some impossibility beyond the guy’s control, he’ll put it in such a way that we Feel he’s suffering from the ‘can’t’ as much as we are. He’ll soften the blow, find the solution, make the wait less bothersome – make sure it’s only an unavoidable postponement and not a convenient way to change his mind, back down, cop out.

    I feel that for most us, trying assertiveness would be very hard to get so as to not ‘make him wrong’. And though I’d like him to know I’m not dupe to his lie, I feel he’s not worth my effort to learn to get it right, when I need all the practice I can get imprinting turning away, keep walking forward, expressing just my own feelings so those are already healing me and will be ready for more worthy pursuers. He’ll get the message sooner or later, and there’ll be no one left to take the rap but himself.



  43.  #43Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 8:01 am

    So I got my response to my email. It was rife with sorrow, for his serious injuries and he assured me it was nothing other than that, but that his injuries have put him into a depression that has taken his desire to anything but work and be at home alone.
    So now, should I be on the thread of what to do about a depressed man?
    It is my nature to offer compassion and an available ear. Am I so selfish as to skip off until he’s ready for romance?
    Frankly, I expected him to dsay that insdeed it had to do with having second thoughts about getting involved/meeting me. I planned to just not answer or to just say thank you.
    I don’t know him, and am very far, so I’m not his friend. Is his health really my business?
    I’m feeling confused as to what to do, how to react.



  44.  #44Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 8:02 am

    Mercedes, you are indeed a fireball!
    It’s so much fun seeing and learning about how different we all are.



  45.  #45Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 9:02 am

    I think the outcome of this is his response was not aggressive, not defensive, he was authentic.

    I am thinking of just responding;
    I feel saddened by your dilemma. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me from the inside out.



  46.  #46Rori Raye on April 10, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Linda G -Good answer – and please, please, give him time to heal himself (he will not feel manly enough to be in a relationship with you until he feels better – and anything you do now will feel like mothering to him, which will turn him off – what he needs is for your HAPPINESS to inspire him).

    So, please…date. Focus on being happy so he has something to look forward to – he’ll keep in touch, I know he will – you just respond with passion stories about how happy and great things are – treat him like a man in your huge Circular Dating rotation AND as a “friend” – and let’s see what happens. Love, Rori



  47.  #47heartbeat on April 10, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Linda G – I’ve been in a similar situation with a long-distacne man whose son was killed. I was in turmoil and confusion. Looking back, sharing that with him instead of always being cheery and nice would have been more real, but I was learning then.

    We kept contact by phone, but the more I kept up being nice and helpful and supportive, the angrier he became, and he eventually stopped calling.

    I did eventually respond to an email from him (cancelling a weekend and admitting the longer we went on, the WORSE he felt, because I was so sweet and understanding, and he was in turmoil and cancelling) by saying ‘I’ve not always been fully honest – but I’ve never been in this situation before – and the truth is, sometimes I’ve felt really scared and helpless. I just didn’t know what to do.’

    On a final note, that differs from the man you mentioned, this man was still hung up on his ex, which would have been a greater reason for me to back off.



  48.  #48heartbeat on April 10, 2009 at 9:57 am

    I also was just focused on him, and feeling totally floored. At that time, my family were saying what a great person I would be to support him. That I’d shown up for him at the right time.

    So when he was expressing his despair, I felt knotted up. I truly feel if I’d had more confidence and less guilt, I’d have gotten through a lot more lightly and yet passionately. Not that I have any regrets now about not being with him – the ex-hangup was putting me off before the tragedy, then I got sucked into the drama.



  49.  #49Liz on April 10, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Another great post / comment thread….and the post was so chock-full of stuff that spoke to me I feel compelled to re-read it again so I can tease it all out a bit more and notice what’s triggering me. In particular, I felt triggered by the description “It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…).” Oh, soooo true for me….especially the second part about feeling OK about yourself!!!

    On another note related to the comment thread, Daria virtually read my mind / current dilemna of being in the unusual for me, but feeling slightly intriguing, position of having to tell one of my Circular Dates “thanks, but no thanks…I”m just not that into you.” My truth is what Daria wrote…
    (For example I would have a hard time saying a truth like “I don’t find you sexually attractive but really enjoy when you take me out to dinner.”)

    This is where I’m at with this Match guy, been out twice (and my aspiring Godess self leaned back and “allowed” him to pay for our two relatively pricey dates…huge for me in and of itself). But, after our date last night my truth is what Daria wrote above and I don’t want to go out with him a third time despite really enjoying meeting him and having an easy time talking with him. I feel a bit lost how to literally, verbally express this to him via phone in a tactful way that I’m just not that into him (don’t want to just email him). Can anyone offer some concrete advice on what words to use to express a bit more tactfully: “I don’t find you sexually attractive but have really enjoyed when you’ve taken me out/enjoyed meeting you”??

    Fellow godesses, this is going to be such a huge breakthrough for me to do something like this so upfront and express the way I feel instead of making excuses or just avoiding his calls, etc (or, instead of just feeling anxious about expressing it at all and instead dating him longer and more to avoid saying what I want to say because it’s feels akward for me to say). I feel ridiculous asking for this assistance, but in other similar instances (like when I have had to fire people…ouch) I feel more confident and empowered if I have a ‘lil cheat-sheet feel like I can practice / work off of. What words have worked for ya’ll in this type of situation? Rori, any particular word templates that are good to follow?!?!?



  50.  #50Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Le sigh. I just reread the Scarlett post. When I emailed my ex, I was still preparing for disappointment. Every time I think of him, I’m prepared for disappointment. I don’t even want to be with him!

    I want to be with the version of him that’s been showing up in my dreams lately. The kind, loving, forgiving version. That character has no bearing in reality and certainly no resemblance to my actual ex. He has more resemblance to the other guy I’m seeing.

    I don’t want to be with someone who is weak, can’t man up and handle being in a real intimate relationship, and can’t do anything except withdraw and mope around and complain that he isn’t happy.

    I was writing to one guy and expecting a completely different guy to respond.

    I’m so unwilling to Be Surprised. I want to Be Prepared. And so, my mind prepares me for disappointment every time.

    How the hell do I become open to being surprised?



  51.  #51Liz on April 10, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Rori, thanks for your above 9.45am response to Linda G. Those words spoke to me you shared. My Ex had depression issues and what you wrote about time to heal/not feeling manly enough/mothering are right on in my experience. And, as I’ve focused on my happiness post split…guess what….he’s been inspired to show up again in my life via email, etc.

    Can you expand perhaps on what you wrote in the second paragraph some tho….
    “So, please…date. Focus on being happy so he has something to look forward to – he’ll keep in touch, I know he will – you just respond with passion stories about how happy and great things are – treat him like a man in your huge Circular Dating rotation AND as a “friend” – and let’s see what happens.” In particular, I’m hoping to hear more about the why and how to “treat him like a man in your huge Circular Dating rotation AND as a “friend.” This seems like a real healthy idea, but also scary and conflicting and ripe for potential disaster if not done in a healthy way…can you expand on what you mean and think about this.

    Thanks, and Cheers!



  52.  #52Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 10:39 am

    I guess that’s just it. Take all the qualities of the man/men I was dreaming about, list them somewhere, develop them in myself, and forget about it, and then be surprised when someone who has them steps into my life.

    So here goes:

    Young (yeah, all the men I’ve been dreaming about are quite young, like early twenties. They’re as young as I look and feel. I’ve been trying to date older men, thinking their maturity makes them better partners–but I don’t really feel attracted or inspired by them unless they seem younger than they really are.)
    Handsome
    Sexy
    Attracted to me
    Loving
    Devoted to me
    Forgiving
    Strong
    Passionate

    Somehow I associate my ex with these qualities even though he doesn’t have them, except for “handsome,” which is questionable, and “physically attracted to me,” which is irrelevant in his case.

    Being with a man who really had all those qualities would make me FEEL:

    Free
    Beautiful
    Loved
    Open
    Safe
    Unguarded
    Blissful

    So, I want to feel free, beautiful, loved, open, safe, unguarded, and blissful. That would feel like a body just full of light and heat, and a radiant smile coming from, not just my face but my entire head, with nothing blocking it, nothing in front of it, nothing hiding it. That feels terrifying. I can feel my blocks. I can feel a lock on each of the higher four chakras, the lower three feel like they aren’t even there.

    I’m beginning to feel a powerful urge to clean–to take a shower, and then clean and organize my room, maybe take some stuff off to the salvation army. Can’t feel open and free in a messy house. Catch y’all later. 🙂



  53.  #53gina on April 10, 2009 at 10:39 am

    In my experience so far…

    passive behavior = resentment and disrespect

    aggressive behavior = resentment and disrespect

    assertive behavior = respect

    expressive behavior = love and respect



  54.  #54gina on April 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I’d like to edit that. I think it’s more like this…

    passive behavior = disrespect

    aggressive behavior = resentment

    passive aggressive behavior = disrespect + resentment

    assertive behavior = respect

    expressive behavior= love and respect



  55.  #55Daria on April 10, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I am with Liz.

    Rori please tell us how to treat a man like part of our dating circle AND as a friend.

    Also why quotes?

    I find that I make a difference. sometimes I go ahead and lean forward somewhat with my guy friends (call or drive to) and I don’t feel bad (sometimes I do and leave). I also kinda feel more excited and “chippery” talking to my guy friends. When I’m talking to a man in my rotation (unless he induces the “chippery” in me) I try harder to lean back and feel sexy (and rub on stuff like blankets and cats). I speak slower and more deliberately. I let silences hang longer.

    I’m worried about doing that more with my guy friends because already they are starting to like me… lol.



  56.  #56Daria on April 10, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Gina I like it.

    I feel triggered. I think calling a man out on a lie in a nice way would be “making him wrong.” It would be a way to AVOID getting into the issue which is the trigger for US.

    Pretending it’s not a lie is not the way. Expressing feeling would feel good.

    Even “I feel I am being lied to and it doesn’t feel good” would work.



  57.  #57gina on April 10, 2009 at 11:15 am

    I think the man may respect me for calling him out on a lie, but it feels like I am defending myself and pushing him away. If I let him know how it feels to be lied to, then there are no walls between us. I am vulnerable, and he has the opportunity to step up – and that’s what I want him to do. I want him to be bigger. The reason he lied is probably because he wanted to be bigger but didn’t believe he could be in a way that was honest. I could teach him a lesson and let him know that lying makes him a little bug I could crush. OR I could just let him know how I feel, and he can grow to be who we both want him to be.



  58.  #58Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Oh wow. Cleaning is a huge fucking trigger. I didn’t even want to START because I felt like I was capitulating and giving in to some man who considered me his personal house slave (I felt that way with my husband, and before that with my father, even though I don’t think either of them ever asked me to do anything unreasonable). I had to tell myself that this is MY space and I’m cleaning it for ME.

    It’s funny, I have no issue at all with cleaning at work. That’s just part of the job description. Or maybe I’m more willing to be a “slave” there because I’m not a slave, they’re paying me by the hour.

    What do I actually feel? Resistance, heat going down my back, feeling put down, kept down, or low-status. Yeah. Like the Cinderella story. When I clean, I feel like I’m the low-status person in the house; the high-status person doesn’t have to do it. It’s such a powerful, angry feeling. The arguments with my husband over the litterbox were really about status–who is higher and who is lower? Obviously the person who has to clean the litterbox is lower status and I didn’t/don’t want to be that person.

    I feel angry to even think that I could allow ANOTHER PERSON to decide my status. And I don’t want to feel like cooking or cleaning puts me down–because then my only choice is to not do those things, and then I will have an unhealthy body and a messy house. Jesus Christ said that the greatest among you will be the servant of all. I want to feel like I’m serving from a place of greatness, not a place of humble slavery at the bottom of the heap, getting beat on by everyone because they have value and I don’t. I want to feel like whatever I do, for myself or another, is highly valued. That would feel like a straight spine, head held high, and a smile. Meeting the beautiful world head-on. Not being afraid to be asked for things, and to provide them. That would feel like confidence.



  59.  #59Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Linmayu; I completely relate to yoru feelindgs about cleaning for someone. I am the worst housekeeper ever, I don’t organize, I don’t clean. Trouble is, I’m living with my kids in my parents house. My dad is totally old school. He feels I should wait on him and my kids. so does my mom. My mom ever ate with us even on holidays. My needs come last, it’s my job to cook clean and shop. Well, I’ve broken him of that notion on some levels, since I’ve gone back to work.
    My girlfriend Sheela calls me “Linderella”.



  60.  #60Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Thank you Rori for your affirmation of my email response to my long distance guy. It was so strange. After sending the original feeling message email, I felt like a heaviness had left me. when I saw he responded,I didn’t even check it right away. It didn’t matter, because I knew I had been authentic in my feelings.
    I will let you know what happens next.
    Tonight I have adinner date at a very nice restaurant with someone new. Tomorrow night with a guy who insisted numerous times I drive to see him, each time I refused, he is coming my way. Sunday with a great guy that I have seen before.
    There may be passion, there may be desire, there may not, but I am fueled having a glimpse of what I may want.



  61.  #61Flipper on April 10, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Oh, I’m the Queen of Unhousework! since my kids moved away. Feels crappy actually – I’m trying to get that it’s for me. I felt triggered by Linmayu’s initial gung-ho attitude, and I feel a lot better now. 😉



  62.  #62Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    PS is anybody out there? just got cancelled for two dates, one whose mom has to go to hospital, mines there,I can relate, its ok. I knew he took her in for tests and he looks after her. the other who said he didnt hear from me so he made other plans. I esponded, via text, ok. hd to check on my mom first, the truth.sorry we cant see each ther. thanks for letting me know. even though he didn’t let me know, I contacted him as planned. (this is the guy who took weeks to decide he would drive here, but keeps calling. blech)



  63.  #63Ann on April 10, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    I absolutely HATE being lied to. But I’ve come to realize people lie for many different reasons. For example a few of reasons I believe men lie are: to make themselves look better, to protect a woman, fear of the consquences.

    This in NO WAY excuses lying but for me personally I try to look at the situation around the lie. And how the lie makes me feel. Depending on how I feel about the lie here are my usual responses:

    Ignore it(depending on what it was about) if they won’t to believe they got away with something that’s their choice, but now they have to remember the lie to not get caught in it.

    To say I DO NOT like being lied to I’d rather know the truth whether I will like it or not.

    Everyone knows how I feel about lying so if someone lies to me numerous times there is always the possibility I will cut them out of my life.

    I’ve come to believe everything in life isn’t black and white, clear cut. Truth is always best but people handle things differently.

    I feel like I’m rambling, I’m not sure I’m coming across right.



  64.  #64Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    Linda (or Linderella, I’m so amused by that nickname), ouch! I’ve had dudes cancel dates on me several times, though in my case this always happened in response to me thinking to myself, “Wow, I’m feeling overbooked this weekend! Wouldn’t it feel great if this man called to cancel?” I don’t know what it would feel like if someone I’d been looking forward to meeting had called or texted to cancel. I suppose I would have texted him something like “I feel disappointed.”

    In my experience, the guys that I look forward to meeting *do* show up to the date, and then proceed to ogle the bellydancers or ignore me and talk to other people or do something else that feels icky, and then I WISH they’d just cancelled ahead of time. There was one guy who wrote me these great old-fashioned e-mail letters, very interested in me, we had a wonderful phone conversation, and then when we met in person he proceeded to act very coldly towards me, almost like he didn’t even care if I was there or not. That felt awful, and so I went and danced and flirted with other men, and then at the end of the evening he said he would call or write and I SO wanted to call him out on that or at least say “I felt icky tonight, I don’t want to hear from you again.” Instead I just said goodbye and processed my emotions on my own.

    You hit it on the head on the other post where you said he sent his message, which was basically “I’m a dickhead,” weeks ago.

    Now the men I’ve felt indifferent to before meeting (and I try to feel indifferent to everyone now; dude, until you show up for the first date, you don’t count) have pleasantly surprised me.

    I had a first date this evening that I did NOT want to show up for. I had cancelled on him once before (because my car battery died, not because I didn’t want to meet him). I’ve been in a funk all day and while getting ready, I felt miserable. I didn’t want to get dressed or do my hair or drive to the tea shop. I didn’t want to meet the guy at all. But I went anyway. When he arrived, I felt so awkward and tongue-tied and the first thing out of my mouth was “I hate first dates!” After that, the evening was perfect, the conversation flowed so naturally I felt like I had known him for years, and I could feel the good energy and rapport between us. It just felt so good to be around him.



  65.  #65Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    Linda G,

    Well,with circular dating its all about learning so yeah,cancellations are part of the triggers you can use and learn to process through them….it feels so much better when you are so strong on the inside that when a guy cancels out on you can say Okay and go on feeling good about yourself…i am still trying o do that trust me but its fun getting all triggered and learning to work through them..
    I have been cancelled on couple of times but i feel that with 3 to 4 other guys on rotation within no time i am busy organising to meet another guy so i shift my focus on someone or something else…it was difficult at first and i felt scared that i was going back to my past rejection phases where a guy would cancel on me and i would feel like the world was coming to an end…
    I am learning thanks to circular dating that its about me finding my own way my own fun things to do if such a thing should happen….i shift focus and enjoy the moment in a different way.



  66.  #66Linda G on April 11, 2009 at 4:38 am

    Part of what I am expriencing is learning to listen to my instincts and not accept dates from guys I don’t feel right about. I initially met this ick guy when I was saying yes to everybody just to get started. Although there was something about him that didn’t feel good from the start. I think I outgrew him before we even had a date.
    Linmayu, your date with the guy that turned out surprisingly well, perhaps this show us that when we relax we are open to receiving. I bet he thought you were most charming.
    And now that you mention it, the guys who cancel are those I really wish I hadn’t agreed to meet. The vibe thing, I guess. I just don’t want to sabotage myself, as you say , until you show up, you don’t exist.



  67.  #67Linmayu on April 11, 2009 at 7:25 am

    Also, thanks for the compliment Maria <3



  68.  #68Margaret on April 13, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Gina I love your break-down on passive-aggressive. It puts everything in perspective for me. No healthy person likes being lied to but we can’t look for validation from the other person that we deserve respect. If they respect us or not we respect ourselves (the difference between ego and confidence). I do feel sometimes a situation needs to be addressed for the greater good of the relationship but still instead of expressing that we do not want to be lied to Rori teaches us that we can go deeper and become more vunerable and say what we REALLY FEEL like feeling uncomfortable being lied to, or that we don’t want to be in an inauthentic relationship. Having boundaries doesn’t mean that we don’t feel, we feel but we do not ACT out of them or ACCEPT certain behaviours. We share what we feel. I find sometimes humour and sarcasm can be used as a subtle form of manipulation i.e. maintaining control.



  69.  #69Tina on June 9, 2009 at 1:16 am

    I wonder if calling my mans ex was passive aggressive?. I feel as I did it it with good intentions, now Im questioning my motives. I felt curious more than anything. anyway…



  70.  #70Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I feel deeply sad right now and I feel guilty for feeling sad about what it is that I feel sad about…as though I should not feel this way….I received a text from what I used to call ‘dinner boy’ earlier this evening and his tone felt ‘down’…I had not heard from him since Saturday and before that he would call me every single day which made me feel good and wanted not to mention I was for the most part enjoying our conversations adn I could feel my energy moving away from Charles….I can still feel it moving away from Charels and that feels good too but anyway……dinner boy called me this evening after not hearing from him for several days. I admit that I had felt sad that I had not heard from him but I was determined to NOT call him at all…if he wanted to speak to me…he could call me…period. He did call this evening to tell me that his son had gotten hurt this weekend at a basketball event and that he feels responsible because he was starting to develop feelings for me in a deeper way….first of all….don’t believe that for a nano-second but I did feel sad that his son had gotten hurt…..he then told me that he needs to totally focus on his son and daughters….then he clamied to have gotten a phone call from his daughter so he had to run but would call me back. I was stunned. This is the man that has pursued me fervently for a month and pressured me over and over to come to have dinner with him at his home which I never did although we did have dinner and 2 lunches OUT and I enjoyed them. I feel humiliated and embarassed that I ever even spoke with this man. HE is the one that pursued ME on such a strong level and then I finally give in and meet him for dinner and we spent some time together talking and just having some great conversations and the HE calls me to tell me that he no longer wants to even talk anymore? I do feel humiliated and as though I have been ‘dumped’ in a sort of way by someone that I wasn’t even with! Does that make any sense whatsoever?? I know that my sadness over this is because not only did I enjoy the conversations that we had but moreso it was something that made ME feel wanted…..it made me feel beautiful and desirable and deliciously wanted and I have not felt those things in …well now….well over a year and a half. I feel duped and I feel silly that I even feel that way as we were not only NOT a couple at all or even dating but simply friends who enjoyed 1 dinner and 2 lunch times together and lots of great talks on the phone. He did make me feel beautiful and I feel thankful for the times that we talked. I came back here tonight as I was feeling so sad and ‘dumped’ in a way which wasn’t really being dumped at all and I DO know that – I feel embaraassed for even feeling this way as though it is wrong for me to feel this way or that I am some kind of bunny boiler which could not be further from the truth. I found this post and it totally spoke to my heart and I just sent him a text – he has NOT called me back as he said that he would but I knew that he was not going to anyway…this is waht I said in the text…..note that I tried to take Rori’s example above and turn it to work for my situation here……
    “I feel sorry that you feel responsible for your sons accident. I will miss hearing your voice & r wndrfl talks. Thx for letting me kno where you r at and know that I wish you the best in everything.”

    That was it. I have not called or texted anything else and I have deleted his number/s from my phone. GONE. I don’t even have them in an email. I know that I will never hear from this man again and that makes me feel so sad but was it HIM that I enjoyed or the attention? I do think that in some ways…it was HIM and in some ways it was the attention that he showed me. I feel scared that my energy will turn right back to Charles and OMG do I NOT want that to happen. I have been feeling more free from him lately even though he still has the power to hurt my heart to the core. I do feel embarassed for feeling this sadness as this man was only around for about a month and was certainly not BF or husband material for me but it felt good to be around him and talk with him and feel so wanted. I feel humiliated and I feel silly and I feel that I was so silly in even thinking that any of what he said…even an ounce of it could have been true. I feel so much shame right now for allowing anyone into my world even on a friendship basis. I feel as though my ‘stuff to look forward to’ just disappeared and it is back to the old….degradation, belittling, verbal/ emotional abuse and feeling horrible as I am torn down in pretty much every word that comes out of Charles mouth. It felt so refreshing to hear good things about me GOD that felt so good and I feel sad that that is gone. I do feel thankful for the time that I heard those good things though even if it was only fora moment in time.



  71.  #71Linda G on June 17, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    Cassandra:
    I know you are disappointed, but your lesson here is how good it feels and should feel when a man’s energy is coming towards you. Charles is not your only other option. You will have other opportunities like dinner guy. You should not feel humiliated. It’s his stuff, and when you have kids, all kinds of stuff happens and all kinds of guilt ensues.
    Feel good he has shown you a glimpse of how a man should make you feel, and that you were open to him.
    Perhaps this points to how we should not look for a man to make us happy or feel validated, but we need to feel good about ourselves with or without a man.
    easier said than done.
    you did good.



  72.  #72Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Thanks LindaG…..I feel better having read your post. I do still feel sad though. Not to mention that Charles just called to ‘tuck me in’ over the phone – we talk every night before bed if he is out on the road – and we had a long conversation this evening which never happens. usually he can’t wait to get me off the phone but tonight we did talk for a little while which felt good but then towards the end of the conversation he shared with me that his Dad and 2 nephews and brother will be here for Father’s Day and his sister in law will NOT be here so I will be the only female and I was told in no uncertain terms to ‘make myself scarce’ or go to a girlfriends’ house or go shopping. Now if that doesn’t add to fule to an already horrible feeling fire I don’t know what does. I feel even more UNWANTED than I did before! I know that Sunday is going to be a REALLY hard day. I am already planning to make sure that I go to the gym and I dont’ know what else I can do that day. I don’t have close friends here that I can hang out with but for him to tell me pretty much that I am indeed UNWANTED here and to make myself scarce that day really hurt. Than he tried to cover it all up by saying something like ‘well if I was the only man around a bunch of women hanging out I would not want to be the only guy there’ as if I am supposed to feel like he does or as though I am wrong for even wanting to be a part of that day. I asked him last weekend if I was going to be a part of things since I was so blatently left out of his nephews graduation on purpose and lied to about it. When I asked him about it he told me that yes…i would be included in the day and then tonight he pretty much tells me to ‘get out’ for the day. Where in the hell am I supposed to go? Not ony that but they are going to be eating a big BBQ here and I am quite positive that I will be expected to clean up their mess as always even though I am not welcome to be here during the day. Where in the hell am I supposed to go? I feel like trash thrown into a garbage can…man I feel unwanted and unloved and undesirable and uneverything good!

    Linda G…I really am trying so hard to NOT depend on a man..any man for my happiness. I feel stuck on every level and as though I can’t do anything while I am here. I don’t know how to get to where I don’t care about a man’s affections or attention but honestly…I feel absolutely STARVED for love and affection. I can honestly say that if dinner guy had not disappeared as he did and if we had continued to spend time together I wold have most definitely felt the temptation to give into some of his ‘pressuring’…just simply to feel affection….hell that would not even have been about love…just to have some damn affection would have been a HUGE temptation for me. I don’t want to feel so starved for love like I do but in this environment all I ever hear is to either make myself scarce but be close enough to clean up after Charles and his nasty brother, father and nephews or hear nothing but what is wrong with me or how I cleaned the entire house but “how could you have missed the sliding glass door?”!! I am so damn sick of this shit!! I feel so angry and triggered right now. Right now…I actually feel what I think to be ‘hate’ for men and how self centered they are. I feel like giving up on love and marriage and having a family of my own one day. I really do feel like giving up. I feel so opposite of how I felt last week and it feels like I am drowning again…..like I am in prison but I get to come outside only to clean up the shit left behind by Charles and his family! I am sick of this crap!

    Sorry Linda G….didn’t mean to go off like that….I rerally do feel angry right now though. Where am I going to go on Sunday? I have no doggone clue!



  73.  #73Linda G on June 18, 2009 at 4:28 am

    Cassandra:
    I for one would absolutely not clean up after them.
    I feel so sorry you feel so stuck. That stinks to feel that way.
    I would spend the day treating myself to a movie, a manicure, a nice lunch out, go tot he beach, a park, do anything you love. Smile at everyone you meet. Pretend you are a tourist in your own town. See what you can discover.
    Linda



  74.  #74Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 6:05 am

    Thanks Linda. I will try to keep that in mind. I really wanted to just be here at home and relax by the pool but with Charles’ ‘boys’ being here I will NOT be getting into the pool or in a swimsuit with all of them around. That plan is shot. But that is what it is. I will definitely get out of the house and do something that I want to do…I know that I will go to the gym but other than I am not sure about what else I will do. Thanks Linda G for your support. sending you hugs…..
    xoxoxoxo



  75.  #75Paula on August 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Help. I was with a man when I was 20 and we hit it off right away but I was too young and felt overwhelmed by his aggressive need for me and jealousy so I dumped him three months later. Nine days later he met his future wife, who looks like me, and married her two years later.

    Well, he contacted me about a year and a half ago via email through classmates. He he lives in a different state than I now and wanted to know about my life and get to know me better. To make a long story short, we’re both in long-term marriages. I am not happy in my marriage at all. He tells me they have issues as well. Well, everything started out innocently enough but then he started telling me how much he cared for me and wished all these years that he had told me how he felt about me, that he was crazy about me and wanted to see me and all these gushy emails. I felt so good about all of this and this man but, unfortunately, became the dark haired girl in the movie “he’s just not that into you” who leaned forward too much. One day I he asked what about now so I “confessed” my feelings towards him and told him I wanted to see him and be with him as well.

    Next thing I know he says reality has set in and how it wouldn’t be fair to his wife or me if he saw me even though he wanted to so I said okay, goodbye, wish you the best. A week later he emails me and tells me he can barely function and that he’s so upset about everything. So I caved and said I felt bad too and let it start up again. He was calling me and emailing me all the time until I started to get depressed about all of it and told him how I was feeling. Slowly after that I could feel him distancing and I actually asked him why he had done all of this to me and his answer was “I don’t know” — the Internet. Well, stupid me said okay, I can be your friend. This went on as sort of friends for a few months but I was so angry the whole time and finally told him I feel humiliated and sad and that I had misgivings about whether I could be his friend as I don’t feel that way and told him it would be on him to salvage anything that was left.

    Then he turns around and says he’s sorry if he hurt me, that “I” know in my heart he didn’t mean to, that he’s stressed out in his life too, can’t handle much right now and that maybe it’s best if “he” doesn’t email me “for a while.” It has only been a week but I was so shocked by that I didn’t respond at all. What do I do when he contacts me again? I’m 99 percent sure he will and I don’t know how to handle the whole situation. I could tell him to pick up the phone if he wants to talk to me or not respond at all. Please help as I have totally fallen in love with this man. I am also leaving my husband as I’ve decided no matter what, after having a man gush over me for once in my life, that I don’t want to suffer in a dead marriage any longer but neither do I want to chase someone who can’t or won’t be there for me. Paula



  76.  #76Rori Raye on August 13, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Paula, Welcome – and What are you doing? This man is nothing to you. You are using him to avoid dealing with your marriage. Get BEHIND YOURSELF, girl!!! Turn your attention 100% to yourself, to healing yourself, to discovering what it is you want and how to GET it. We’ll all help you, here. Start with the Power & Self-Esteem category, and work your way through each post. Love, Rori



  77.  #77Lostinlove on June 5, 2010 at 12:02 am

    Hi Rori,
    I am having a very difficult time dealing with a break up…
    “J” is going through a very nasty divorce… We began talking as friends online, we only spoke for a very short time before we met, and I was kind of his shoulder to lean on…(we do have a background in common, we went to high school together, although we didn’t know each other back then…He was also friends with my ex-husband but was enlisted in the service before I started dating my ex… so we had never met in person until this past October)… When I first saw him it almost knocked the breath out of me, it wasn’t about what he looked like, I can’t explain it really…It was like this instant knowledge that I had met my “match line” (that’s how he described it as well)..
    We live in different states..about 6 hours away from each other, but we took turns about every other week visiting each other.
    So, we had this beautiful, seemingly perfect, whirlwind relationship…. In the short span of our 7 month relationship, he and I visited 6 different states together We were flying at 100 miles an hour, we made the decision that I would move to his state because of his job and the fact that he has 2 children there and my son is graduating this year and going off to college in the fall, he made appointments to look at condos on one of my visits, long story short, he told me in words and actions that he wanted me there with him to begin a new life when his divorce was finalized…We have so many things in common (in fact he told me when we made the decision to seperate that “you have more in common with me than anyone I have ever known”)…
    So then about 2 months ago I noticed a difference in him, he wasn’t as attentive, or complimentary, he began to drop the “baby” and “lover” and started using names he would call his buddies. I did the usual “flip out” thing and told him that I had noticed differences and asked if we were ok… He told me that we were fine but that I needed to relax a little, that he couldn’t breathe… So, I took a step back and realized that I had been depending on his call, time with him and in general on his mood to determine my emotional state… At this point I did what he asked of me, I stopped initiating calls and texts, I let him start the conversations and I made some changes in how I had been spending my time away from him… I signed back up for classes at college, I made plans to visit with friends and tried to resume life as it was before I met him…. This went on for 2 weeks or so and I was getting fewer and fewer correspondence from him…
    We have since broke things off… He has asked me to be his “friend” and in the first few days after the break I had agreed… then after careful thought I decided that I really didn’t want to accept an altered state of our relationship… I am in love with him and don’t want to pretend to be ok with what has happened. I told him that I didn’t want to be his friend. He responded that he would respect whatever I needed to do in order to protect myself but that he would not discard me from his life forever, he said that he would find me from time to time to make sure that I’m alright.
    We have had some issues concerning a vehicle I purchased from him and have had 1 or 2 short text message conversations about the issue.
    He explained to me that he was not ready for what we were planning, that he needed to learn to walk alone before he could walk next to anyone… He said that he didn’t know how he could start something with me when his marriage isn’t officially over yet. He also told me that he knows that we have all these things in common and if he were ready to remarry that I would be the woman he wanted, but that he’s not ready for that. I never asked him for marriage and I wasn’t thinking about it being a possibility. He apologized for getting scared and running away. We didn’t fight, I told him that I understood and I respected what he felt and that he didn’t have to explain anything to me.
    I’m sorry for the length of this email but I felt it necessary to give details in order to get advise that fits my situation..

    I am making an effort to move on and heal from this pain, as I said I had taken a couple of semesters off of school and have since gone back, I have started working out again, I have gone on a couple of dates… but in the back of my mind I continue to think that because we fit so well together, that one day he will regret the decision to walk away from what we had. I know in my heart of hearts he will come back. How do I let go of this hope and really regain the strength I had before we met?
    Thank you in advance,
    “L”

    I don’t mind if you use my letter, I hope that it could be helpful to someone else in a similar situation…



  78.  #78Rori Raye on June 6, 2010 at 12:09 am

    lostinlove, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for the pain of this. You are doing everything right – taking care of YOU!!! As you continue to take good care of yourself and do things you like, love, and feel passionate about – you’ll meet new men, and you’ll be careful not to get exclusively involved with any one man until the relationship is really firmly committed with a lifelong plan…Love, Rori



  79.  #79Ang on December 14, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Wow! Wow…wow… I truly had no idea I was passive aggressive. I harbor so many feelings and have no idea what to do with them or where to put them so I end up driving myself crazy. So from what I am understanding we need to learn to just accept? Accept that he’s a bit of an ass and accept that we are better off moving on? How does one come to that place of total acceptance? I tend to want to fight it all the time. “Yeah he’s an ass SOMETIMES, but….”