What To Do When An Office Romance Goes Bad

Untitled design (14)

crying-eyeAhh – The office romance.  Pleasure.  Pain. Terror.  Humiliation.  Purgatory ever after because you have to see him every day no matter what happens.

Jim and Pam from “The Office” made it work.  But how often DOESN’T IT?  So –

Question…since you’re likely to meet many good men who have similar interests in your workplace – should you avoid dating a man from work because of the possible pain later on?  Or should you date who you like and get a procedure together so you can be just fine if a love affair doesn’t end up in marriage?

I say that life is not about avoiding pain …but about moving toward pleasure.  Always.  so the key here, for me, is not to avoid dating someone – and notice I say ‘date” and not “involved” or “invested” – because we’re Circular Dating, here, and that will help you so much.

The key is to “date” a man along with other men, and to not take ANYTHING SERIOUSLY – no matter WHAT or HOW you feel about him – until there’s a ring on your finger and a wedding date on the calendar.

So – let’s look at this comment from LJ (I’ll shorten it here…) and see how all this pain is happening, how you can prevent it from ever happening to you (and LJ – from it every happening again…) – and how we can help LJ get out of pain NOW.

“Hi Rori and READERS…need help please…
I am trying really hard to get myself together these days but the pain and anguish from my broken relationship is consuming me at times. I was with this man for 4 years and I work with him. His office is literally around the corner from mine. The last year we were together, i always felt that something was “off”. Basically, i realize now that I sort of gave my power away to him. Last December, he got upset with me about something I found to be a minor disagreement and basically gave me the silent treatment for about 3 1/2 weeks and all through the holidays. I was shocked, felt abandoned, rejected and could not believe why, how, etc. he was doing this. Out of my emotionally chaotic state at the time and confusion, i did the typical thing some women would do..text him, call him, write a letter…he wound up finally talking with me and we went back to being with each other..looking back though, i realize i never fully got a real explanation (i got a b.s one) and he never apologized.

That was in December of last year..After that..it seemed that our relationship was “off”…we still had good times, but there was less calls from him…less affection throughout…i was the one always making plans with him..not the other way around…i was not being treated the same way that I was the first 3 years when everything seemed so great and we were so close and he would always go out of his way for me. I realized that months after this silent treatment incident that I had been walking on eggshells around him…that the relationship had changed….that i had really lost trust for him…and i wanted so badly for things to be the way they used to be so I was trying harder and harder, and in doing so was holding in alot of my feelings, and watching what I would say as not to “rock the boat” with him for fear of getting yelled at, him getting angry, and/or given the silent treatment by him…

Throughout the time we were togethr…i have dealt with that silent treatment crap at least a few occasions..when he got mad…and i felt like i was abandoned, and disrespected each time……well…this past august…i went out of town, as did he…i went on a family trip..he was going to a wedding…and i realized that when he didn’t ask me to the wedding, and when he made no attempt to see me prior to me leaving town for 11 days when i clearly let him know I wanted to see him…that it was time to talk (clear the air of everything) and find out what the hell was up….I was scared in a sense to talk to him, b ut told myself I had to…see where we stood, etc….so i told myself i was going to talk with him when i returned from my trip….when i got back..we hung out a couple times..and then while we seemed to be on good terms..i called him..was pleasant and nice and said that I wanted to talk with him..told him i felt confused…disconnected and didn’t wanted to feel that way…and said i just wanted to talk about some things….wwell..upon getting of the phone he was suppose to get back with me the next day letting me know when we’d meet…he never did…a week went by and i was angry…i went into his office…confronted him about not getting back to me…we got in an argument…and that was that…4 months ago…

For 2 months after that..i didn’t approach him or say anything to him…i figured that if he cared..he come after me…However…after about 2 months i periodically started texted him …wrote him a letter about the incident in his office….(non blaming..very neutral letter..)…in which he never responded…about a month ago..we were at a work party together…i was bold and went up to talk to him..(iwas being flirty…this is probably the stupidest thing i could of done..but hey…i still love the guy..4 years with him and i am so confused)…i pulled him on the dance floor that night for a song as well….after he left the party and after a few drinks..and me feeling a lil emotional..i wind up telling one of my ex’s friends) that I love my ex…(which is true)….well, obviously that I assume made its way back to my ex… 2 days later at work…my ex comes by my office and has a letter…he hands it to me and out of his mouth says..”special delivery”….

I want to tell you what the letter said……..Here goes….(many words were cap..and underline…lot of anger)……..”We can never have the same type of relationship as we did before.”..”If You want to deal with me–here’s the deal!! “..1)” I will not promise to not mess around with other women..i did that for 3 years and received repeated accussations of f****** other women”….”Never again!!!!”….(note here…i only asked him about other women after the silent treatment episodes)……2) “We Can be F*** buddies, or Friends w/ benefits…or NOT!!!”, 3) “I Will Not be your Boyfriend…whatever that means….you see who you want as will I”,
4) “we can be friends”, 5) “Whatever you decide, you owe me an apology for disrespected me in my office the way you did!”…………..this was the letter, word for word…and then he signed and dated it……..this was a month ago…i never responded or anything….i have just ignored him since then…but I’m telling you…it’s so painful…i have to hear him talkin g everyday…..he’s right there b/c we work together….I don’t understand this at all how someone who you’ve been with 4 years and you thought you had something special with can treat me this way….I loved this guy…never did him wrong….you would think that when your with somone a long time and even if the relationship was going to end or he wanted it too…that two people could have an adult, mature conversation…that’s all I wanted…or needed..if that was the case…there was no talk…no closure…no resolution…nothing…just him blowing me off when i wanted to talk and an argument…and them him treating me in this cruel, degrading way….i am heartbroken still after 4 months….i hate him…i love him..i’m clear on things…then I’m confused…it’s just this huge shock element…it’s enough to drive a person insane…..lately…i am not only angry with him but am angry with myself for putting up with some of the b.s. i did over the last few months we were together….

but I am really angry at myself for not responding to that letter…i had friends telling me that it would be best to ignore it, and others telling me to write something…..it’s been a month….and a part of me feels like it’s too late to write him something…lbut I’m telling you…i feel so violated, and angry, and emotional abused from this situation and I feel like in not responding to him that I looked weak and he seems to walk around the office acting like he doesn’t have care in the world…I wonder if he ever did care about me….over the last several months i have been working on me…and when I see him lately i don’t say anything…if he says hi..i say hi back…but that’s it……i’m trying to empower myself again…

but I can’t shake the feeling that he wrote that letter to show control, dominance, and totally devalue me for some reason…and i feel like he’s “WON” in some sick sense in his mind because i didn’t say anything back….it’s so hard working in the same environment with him while I’m trying to heal….does anyone have any words of wisdom, or can anyone relate to my situation…i’m struggling and would just love to hear from some of the readers and what you would do…if you would respond..say something…etc…….thank you so much……”

And here’s my answer

This is the problem with office romance, dating a guy in your  band or your leading man in the play or the movie.

You have to see him again and deal somehow.

This requires you being a Rock Star – and you have to get there FAST.

I wish it were easy to change jobs or change offices or change floors – and you may still opt to do that if you can.

This whole thing is about Circular Dating and what happens when you DON’T heed my warnings, and insist on being invested in and exclusive with ANY man you are not engaged to with a wedding date.  Period.

Marriages break up all the time – and so many women say they never saw it coming…so you can imagine how many “relationships” blow up as if a man has changed completely as a person.

Imagine – let’s say you met an incredible man, or two or three, and were out dancing every night, having great sex with one of those men, and feeling like a million bucks.  Would you feel differently about seeing this man who’s behaved so badly toward you?  Or would you insist, being run by your subconscious, on still pining after him?

I would say the chances are 50/50.

Unbelievably, we so often opt for pain.

Even when we’re actually in bliss somewhere else, we want to experience the pain of being in the old, painful place.

Thus – the cycle you speak of, Lj – where, when a man withdraws, we feel compelled to go chase him with all guns blazing.

Well – what would happen if we just stopped doing that at the BEGINNING?  At the first moment he gets distant, or doesn’t call, or disapears, or doesn’t invite us someplace we think we should be invited, like a wedding, after 4 years.

(Oh – and this is likely a whole new post – but if a relationship isn’t moving toward marriage after a year – the chances of it ever going to marriage get smaller and smaller with each passing day – that’s why it’s SO important to NEVER fall into the “Girlfriend Trap.” 4 years is WAY too long to be hanging around like this…your chances of being in pain go UP with each passing day.)

Well – LJ – let’s go back those 4 years.  I’m guessing that you could find the FIRST TIME this man pulled away from you.  And that at that time, you did the chasing thing.  And that’s how your “pattern” got established with this man.

And every time he withdrew and you chased and overfunctioned – a little bit of the attraction and connection went out of the relationship – and his true nature and true character (which are pretty shoddy, don’t you think?) got hidden beneath all the chasing and overfunctioning.  Every day he began to look like more of a “prize” – when, in fact, every day he was actually looking and feeling to you like more of a “prick.”  (And this is how we get into labeling and judging men, instead of asking ourselves “Why am I here?”)

Now – I don’t want to judge him, which is so easy to do from your letter – because that’s just NOT THE POINT!  That’s just not where your power is, and judging him is not the fastest way to get your power back. I only care about (and only want YOU to care about) how it might have felt for you – and how you must have smushed your anger under the rug so many times. You must have thought he was behaving like a “prick” – and that anger, stuffed down, just made you act more “nice.”

The truth is – he’s not necessarily a “prick.”  He simply was not behaving like someone you’d want to be around.  I mean – look at this…if a man isn’t showing you he wants you – why would you want him?  I mean….really?

And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T.  You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well.  Sorry.  That’s the Stockholm Syndrome.  That’s what captives feel for their persecutors.  That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.

You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.”  We make it up.  If you are helpless, in a traumatic situation, making up stuff so that the quality of your life is better is a GOOD THING!!! Anything that helps you survive is a good thing. Love ALWAYS is a good thing, so of course we want to make it up.

But we are NOT captives like Jaycee.  We are women with free will and independent means.  We are surrounded by men who would jump off their current single lives and give up their freedom just to be with you. We just aren’t going there with them.

So – let’s start accessing our free will.  Let’s start celebrating our freedom to choose different paths for ourselves.  Instead of following our trauma responses down the same old road, let’s LOOK UP!  Look in ANY different direction, and see if there’s any new thing you could be thinking or doing…any new thing that feels scary enough to possibly be a step onto a different road.

This is how your journey to Happy Ever After starts.  You have to FIND your Bridge, if you’ve fallen off it and been in the pits and traps for a long time (this is what my Commitment Blueprint program is all about – staying on your Bridge to Happy Ever After).

Change your routine.  Change your clothes.  Change your hair and makeup.  Change what you eat.  Change what you think about.  Change where you go (Change markets, change gyms, change ANYTHING). Take a class in something unusual – business or accounting or computer technology or massage or stained glass or dancing.  Give yourself something NEW to think about and your body something new to do.  Find what you love.  Then take small steps to DO what you love.

You’ll see – parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there will pop up and happily crowd out the old, pining, miserable, sad, stuck parts.

Oh – and LJ – you don’t need to answer that letter. You’re done. Finished. There’s nothing there for you – and writing him a letter is one thing, but giving it to him is another. You’ll get your energies all tied up in him again, and it’s just not necessary. You can work out your stuff with US, here, and using the Tools with other men and when you’re feeling down. (If he were some wonderful man, amazing as a person, and kind to you as a friend – that might be a different circumstance – but we can talk about how to do that another time…this isn’t what’s going on here.)

Let me know how even just this change in perspective works for you.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Lisa on December 12, 2009 at 2:58 pm


    Great suggestion, that when we overfunction in response to his shoddy behavior, he SEEMS like a prize. In fact, he is only morphed into that by virtue of our valuation of him.

    Change it up — anything — is good advice. Otherwise we women tend to fixate on fixing him. We must pull our energies back to the only person we can change, ourselves. Natalie Woods said, when we change his diapers is the last time we can change a man. ‘Nuff said!

  2.  #2Katie on December 12, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    LJ – 4 months isn’t long. I know that when life feels painful, every day, a week, let alone a month feels like way too long. It is the relief from this pain that we seek. And then we can end up going in circles when emotions keep on turning us back to ‘that man’ as the only solution.
    A friend of mine said recently that “we as women find it so hard to just let go of a guy” – so true. I’ve been there, and in all honesty I am still there now – letting go, having realised that ‘letting go’ is the only way left for me to go – for now.
    More later.

  3.  #3laughing goddess on December 12, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    I feel energized by rori’s suggestions in this post and excited for lj. LJ, you sound like a wonderful woman. I know you have lots and lots of love ahead of you!

  4.  #4alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    “stockholm syndrome.” ah, the words evoke the joy and memories of my childhood.

  5.  #5alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    i am going to take singing lessons. this will be a new direction and can be one more step to help me out of my stockholm syndrome tendencies. 🙂

    and dance. and maybe a spanish class. hola!

  6.  #6alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

    After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue.

    The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became ENGAGED to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.

  7.  #7alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 5:09 pm



    mazoltov! Buena Suerte! happiness to the blushing bride and her prince!

  8.  #8Daria on December 12, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Allias Girl – singing lessons! yo quiero too!

    I love outlaws and Robin Hood.

  9.  #9alias girl on December 12, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    daria. you never cease to inspire me and make me laugh. as well as expand my perspective.

    i feel really joyed to be exposed to your presence.

    yes! singing lessons. and i have this cd i practice with sometimes that goes through the scales but i am mainly going to focus on my pop star range (with autotune) and finding my niche. and learning to read music.

    i have a secret dream!!! haha.

  10.  #10Lola on December 12, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Y yo tambien AG and Daria! I was just thinking tonight how therapeutic to join a choir or something.

    I agree changing things is good.
    I am changing my curtains, putting up pictures, moving stuff around – feng shui-ing!

    I had a fall out with my boyfriend today and I have relapsed – I called him twice (he didn’t answer) and texted him : (

    But I won’t be doing the usual hat trick of emailing him as well : O

  11.  #11Daria on December 12, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    alias Girl i feel soo glad you say I expand your perspective and make you laugh! omgosh I freakin love loving attention and praise i love my feeling of embarassement and shame! yes I love it.

    PS i just reread your comment and it suddenly appeared you wrote you enjoy feeling exposed to my presence. OMGOSH YAYH

    ps i like that wording

    I enjoy feeling exposed to your presence.


    check out this “exposing sirens” photography site


  12.  #12Daria on December 12, 2009 at 6:24 pm


    hi! Oh i feel horrified and amused at the calling the boyfriend thingy! hehe

    I feel glad no emailing. Fun fun time for the Goddess… I feel inspired by the feng shui. I suddenly feel a burst of energy. to vacuum my room and finish planting my christmas plant in its pot.

    PS I no longer feel scared about the kidney infection thingy.

    I am pouring out one nostril because I have been eating straight up garlic like mad (ok just 2wice yesterday and once this morning)

    that helped last time and it appears to have been helping me now

    that and the EFT I did asking God for help

    and my exposign the icky thing i feel gross about how this started years ago

    but i feel blessed to have found forums of how to treat it and that the two herbs that are calling me most for infusion I have

    nettle for building back my kidneys and yarrow for the infection

    I know the garlic is taking care of it and i think its having candida die off too, im basically really hot low fever and pouring out one side of my nose and sneezign
    and feeling good at the same time

  13.  #13lm on December 12, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    great post. i feel a lot of empathy for LJ. I also just broke up with my boyfriend with whom i work. it would be so much easier in the short term if i didn’t have to hear him and see him, but being so close to him also keeps me from romanticizing him. i am rarely tempted to text him or call him because i am constantly reminded of his bad behaviour when i hear him talking on the phone or see him in the hall. i wish LJ luck! i am sure things will turn around for her soon!

  14.  #14Daria on December 12, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Dock –

    can you tell me more about that Jiggle it and Wiggle it class can i look up info on it, who teaches it, do they have people teaching it in the San Francisco area lol, and how do you do it?

  15.  #15Daria on December 13, 2009 at 12:03 am

    Goddesses… what do you think of the letter I just wrote to my ex? were sortof still dating, he wants me write to him:

    xxx –

    I feel hella mad at you rite now. I jus got off the phone wit you an I’m feeling sad and mad.

    (I don’t feel like I’m being treated good. – crossed out but readable)

    I hear you say “I love you” but I don’t feel it from you. I get that you aint found no one else so you think you love me. What I feel is more like needed and that (get on my nerves – crossed out) and feels bad and I feel angry. I’m needed to come see you, I’m needed to talk to you, when it aint in jail I’m needed to come to you to have sex, to give you $ on your birthday.

    I want a man that cares for ME. I want a man that I can need. I want a man thats always thinking what to DO For Me. What to get me on MY Birthday. How to get to me and how to plan something and take me out somewhere I’d like.

    I want a man that ADDS to my life. I feel furious that I feel scared of you. I feel scared to yell an be loud or even tell you, I’m angry, I feel scared when I hear you yelling & cussing and I don’t want to feel unsafe and scared.

    I can’t love a man that I don’t feel cared for and treated well by.

    I just be feelilng drained. It don’t feel like energy is coming in to me, just pulling on me.

    Like do this for me, send me pictures, come see me, call this person, if you don’t you don’t love me! Wow!
    I don’t feel like I love you.
    I do feel like I care for you some, and really I feel afraid of that feeling.

    I feel like it’s holding me into doing things that is not good for me.

    I want a man who’s all about me!
    I can see that you’ve been speaking to me in a calmer nicer way, and that felt good. But I feel like at any moment that could go bad. I don’t trust it. Like if I was to spend more than a day or so wit you, I feel scared that you would call me some name or worse. And I be feeling so mad and I be feeling scared. I don’t want any of this in my life!

    In my life and surely not in a man. I do want a man that is not a punk and that I’m attracted to, and those qualities you do have plenty of.

    And I’m sorry that’s not enough. That’s only second place qualitites. In the first place I NEED a man that takes care of me, puts me first, and honors me. That can hear me out and that I NEVER EVER feel afraid of.

    And right now though I see it’s much better than in the past thats not what I’m feeling at all.

    On top of that there’s all the past we have. Feels like hella shit I feel furious about and some good sex. Sounds like a movie it felt hella thrilling before, when I wasn’t interested in my own wellbeing.

    But now like you’ve said, I changed. So I am putting myself first. I realize what feels good & what feels bad to me. And I’m wanting to have a happy life with someone I feel safe and cherished with.

    Mostly with you I’ve been feeling angry and hearing what you you say in a way that I feel angry about. Cuz it feels like (you pulling me towards you – crossed out) I’m being pulled to love you, rather than having me receiving your love. That’s y I feel so mad when you said “if you don’t, you don’t love me” cuz basically I’m hearing do something for me, love me. And I want to feel a man saying “let me do something for You, let me love You.”

    Well basically I feel afraid now to send this letter. I do care for you, I can even call it love. I do love you.

    But I can’t love you in that man woman way until I feel safe with you and I feel like your energy is coming towards me.

    And really I feel so sad thinking that may never happen. And I don’t want to feel that way. I would love for you to be my man in that way. I think I could even fall in love with you.

    Ther is much about you I admire, like how you always seem to stand up for yourself & how everyone respects you. I would like to learn that. I am practicing standing up for myself.

    I feel like a cat saying that but I am. I;m sure you’ve noticed. I wish it was effortless for me like it seems to be for you.

    Ps – I feel better a lil bit.

    PPS – I actually feel shocked and blessed that you say you love me, and it seems you mean it. I feel confused because well, I don’t feel it (as much – crossed out) 100%.

    But I do feel it in the way you call me, and that you pursue me, and when you compliment me, and the way you please me in bed. That stuff feels good. I feel soo stuck up that someone that is as “cool” as you are l(actually – crossed out maybe readable) likes me. Haha. That sounds stupid. I guess I’m just feeling insecure. Really another part of me knows I am the shit.

    Dang. Now I miss you. I wish I felt safe with you and I felt all your love coming toward me.

    Maybe God will bless us that way, (or m – crossed out) that would feel nice.

    Meanwhile I am going to keep practicing stading up for myself and speaking my feelings, and doing whats good for me.

    Love you,

    picture of man hugging woman

    PS – What do you think?

    (PPS – I just reread it and I feel scared to send it – but its the truth! At least I can write it on paper if out loud I feel scared – crossed out but readable)

  16.  #16Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:45 am

    i feel embarassed to let u know that i am writing to a man in jail because i dont want to be judged and i feel uncomfortable sometimes around certain people about that

    but I want to practice standing up for myself and speaking my feelings…

    I feel glad I wrote out this letter. I feel angry at him and drained, I almost always do. Our interactions have changed a lot for the positive since I started standing up for myself. They are not 100% there and I am not feeling 100% in my feelings with him, more practice.

  17.  #17Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:49 am

    The nite before last I had a dream I was sitting in the backseat of a car with man who had a baby (different guy than the letter) and his fiancee.

    It did not feel good. I felt weird, i felt insecure, I felt anxious, I felt not good enough. He was nice to me as a friend, she was not nice but seemed not That bothered by me as if she was secure with him. For good reason because he was giving all her energy to her when she was around, putting his arm around her and basically embracing her and leaning totally away from me.

    I was sortof pretending to be his friend.


    When she wasnt around he would give me moer attention, even flirt with me.

    Was a lot like waht i felt when he got a girlfriend a few years back.

    it sucked.

    I didnt feel good, I felt (blank). I don’t know what I felt. I felt soooo not close to good.

    Even in the dream I remember I walked into a shop and I had tried to do some belief change thingy in the shop to believe that I was attractive, and then i was going across the street to see if it would work on him. But even as I was going I felt like no way would this work, I mean I am so far from having what I want, that is him wanting me.

  18.  #18Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:50 am

    But the good thing about the dream is I take it as a sign hes thinking about me and sending all these dreams and thoughts of himself to me.
    Nice try.

    You’re gonna have to make a physical move, not a psychic one.

  19.  #19Daria on December 13, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Then the guy who I had sex with, I am thinking of him as a “boy toy” I don’t like that term, but I like lover.

    So my lover who I drove to cuz I wanted sex called me. And I told him about my kidney thingy. HE is easy to tell stuff.

    And then he invited me over, since I was at my sister’s house which is close to him. And i said ok I said I felt excited.

    I felt a lil funny to be going to his house again (very lean forward in a way, but I guess it was part of the experiment).

    So what happend. A very good female friend of his, a woman he considers a sister, called him while i was on my way and wanted to URGENTLY talk to him. But she was with his baby mom.

    So he called me really pist off that they were coming over, and said for me not to come over.

    WEll I said what! I want to be the first priority.

    But he said he had to see what his sister wanted, and unfortunately his baby mom was with her, he was all pist off at it, because if he hadn’t picked up the phone they wouldn’t have came.

    So I didn’t go (or wait around for them to leave- he was kinda hoping I would wait, no way , neither did he come out and ditch them in the car with me – i leaned forward and suggested it)

    So I felt kinda disappointed, but mostly I didnt’ feel that bad. I felt kinda good that he was so upset about it. I felt annoyed that I didn’t come first

    But what feels so WEIRD is that I don’t feel that mad. LIke … I expected myself to feel furious like WTF I don’t ever want to talk to you again ! Furious. But instead I just feel… kinda chill. I felt kinda glad that well i wouldn’t be having sex again and possibly aggravating my kidney thingy.

    sooo… it feels weird. like part of me is saying I SHOULD be feeling mad, and my feeling is like blase.

    I mean, it might feel nice to have a romantic thing with him, but I also like the sexy feeling of having a lover for sex when I want.

    I feel confused by the discrepancy in what I expected to feel and what i felt.

    I feel worried if a part of me is not “cutting him slack” because I want to have sex with him and don’t want to lose him…

    I feel very like batty eyed and slightly annoyed… like if they told me at starbucks theyre out of the biscotti i decided to try…


    he also told me he talked to his baby mama about her wanting to celebrate their aniversaryh on the 14th, I was like oh, I forgot to remind him I don’t want to hear about his baby mama… he’s the one in the past who wouldn’t shut up about her, and I felt angry and hung up the phone on him.

    Soo… obviously I got put on the backburner… which shouldn’t feel good, but I feell all chill…

    I dono wassup with that

  20.  #20Daria on December 13, 2009 at 2:15 am

    I feel very judgemental of myself writing these things… well no

    i feel afraid i guess… or… I feel uncomfortable…

  21.  #21Daria on December 13, 2009 at 4:15 am

    I dragged a bookcase in my room instead of having my books on the floor. ooh. now i have an altar on top too. yay.

    i have acupuncture tomorrow
    looking forward to it.

    also have the nettle tincture i made today

    i feel blessed to have this ailment because it’s “making me” do many things that are good for my health as it is… like take the time to make infusions, eating tons of garlic, made a planned parenthood appointment…

    reaching out and finding new types of healing – found a singing one on the internet

    also the acidophilus may come in handy. i do belive i had a minor bacteria off balance in my nani before i got this urinary to the kidney thing going

    my kidneys have been “weak” for awhile, maybe the first time i got this it hurt them for me to have it for a year and a half

    so now i am making the infusions and if i drink them regularly i will restrenghten them faster than acupuncture alone.

    also ordered nettle seeds, read herbalists blogs, foudn they are really good in severe cases of kidney restoral needed, so they shoulld “really” do the trick for me

    also i feel more stay at homie and yet i am getting calls from men who want to go out

    i think my health will recover much vigorously this time

    also i feel proud of myself for coming out of the desperation feeling and into feeling well… just like i eftd, certain that i can cure this

    i feel a lil bad i todl my brother who was there i still feel resentful about my (ipod) stuff coming up missing (although im pretty sure it wasnt him who took it) but i do! feel resentful! even though he tried to make it up by inviting me places ands aying he would take me out. well – he can ask his friends or brothers about my ipod. i feel uncomfortable of what “people’ (more like people in my head) would say about me hanging out with them (even just him) after that happened –

    they would say you’re a fool! (still havent eliminated that belief, thanks for nothing Lefkoe lady that i might still pay another 100 dollars to try again)

    so he didnt answer and i feel a lil sad

    oh i also added that his brother (who wasnt there) is cute!

    well it just came to me to do it. i felt kinda mischievous, like lets see what happens now, its probably gonna feel awkward when i see him. I’m looking forward to getting triggered, and feeling good too.

    maybe ill eat another garlic now before bed, just for good measure

  22.  #22Daria on December 13, 2009 at 4:23 am

    I feel the oh so slight ache in my kidneys, and I love them. I love how I’m so aware, that I would otherwise not even notice the tiny tug, but my body is in tune with me and letting me know where I want assistance, but gently.

    some people have excruciating back and bladder pain with uti’s and kidney stuff!

    i just have a slight tug… and im grateful… and im grateful that Im aware…

    I think this is my kidneys way of telling me to bump up their health treatment, drink regular infusions! Strengthen us already!! And we will give you regular periods and in flow cycles and awareness of fertility and when to have physical animal Goddess sex for babies or for no babies.


  23.  #23alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 4:50 am

    Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser


    i was especially intriguied by the part about “investing” in something.

  24.  #24Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:04 am

    but I can change the wheather through mental telepathy!


    i feel some kinda stockholm shit probably for this guy. but then again no.

    i just loved danger. danger and thrill and how i felt proud of myself for facing danger and sleeping with danger hehe…

    sleeping with the enemy. dangerous liasons. and all that crap

    i must admit i was very brave

    im still feeling proud fuck it

    ok i feel ready for laying down now… after i eat my last piece of garlic

  25.  #25Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:05 am

    im gonna read the article tomorrow. right now i dont want to fall asleep thinking of the article.

    i feel scared and disturbed by thoughts about that article.

  26.  #26Jennifer on December 13, 2009 at 8:15 am

    It must be the night for dreams Daria…I had a whopper myself.

    I dreamed I was in a very old house. There was a “black sludge” around phasing in and out of reality. If you were around when it was “in” it would swallow you whole.

    I just KNEW it was the residual energy of someone who was messed up when they died. It felt like a ghost as well as slimy oily thick and dark.
    I dreamed that my family and I were in the sitting room of this house and the thing was phasing in and out coming down the stairs.
    I felt like it was coming for my baby nephew. I freaked out and yelled with a voice sooooo loud it shook the house.
    I yelled “Absolutely NOT”

    Then I was standing by a table piled high with books.
    The oily thin was on the floor coming to me.

    I woke up.
    I did EFT for “Even though I am a slimy thing, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway”
    “Even though it’s not fair that I’m dead, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway”
    “Even though I was left behind and I’m angry and will swallow every one with my hate, i deeply and completely love and accept myself.”

    So now I feel a little lighter. A little cleaner. Am I the slimy thing? I dunno….

  27.  #27Daria on December 13, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Whoa Jennifer I feel shudders -p– omg

  28.  #28Tina on December 13, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    I’m reading the article on Stockholm Syndrome wow, I feel hyper sensitive and caution and sirens and whistles are sounding off. I feel angry and in a funk. I was chatting with truckman online, he started talking about something important, well at least I thought that him bringing it up was important enough for him to talk about online. His need for um physical affection. While I was in the middle of typing my feeling message, he says BRB grrrr, he can see that I am typing a response, a feeling message. I get extremely irritated after he says he has a phone call, I said “fuck the phone” he says I’m being rude and disrespectful grrrr, yeah no kidding. Now I’m just feeling really angry fuuuuuuuuuuuurious, grrrrrr.

  29.  #29Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    HI Tina – grr I feel angry for u too.

    No one commented on my letter I feel disappointed and shocked. What does that MEAN. Nothing really.

  30.  #30Mary on December 13, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    i’m getting a little image about sharing feelings. it’s like i’m running over to another person who’s standing in the middle of a bridge. going onto the bridge. giving that person a hug. and then there’s a subtle shift. maybe something changes. and then running back to wherever i was and being different in some way.


    (i see you on the bridge. i’m thinking that i have feelings about you.)
    my intellect is assessing your situation.
    *i feel anger.
    *i feel sadness.

    (i’ve come running and i’m on the bridge.)
    i’m thinking about my feelings about your situation.
    * mad that you’re feeling pulled by the man in jail.
    * sad that you’re in deep.
    * glad that i’m responding.
    * fearful that i might not be enough for the situation.
    * shameful about my inadequacies.

    (i say hello and give you a hug. you acknowledge me.)
    i express my feelings and ask you to tell me more.
    * i feel glad to be with you.
    you express your feelings and tell me more.
    * i feel more fear.
    * i feel more sadness.
    * i feel mad about the way things have happened for you.

    (this is the magic moment)
    i forget about you. i forget about me.
    there are just feelings. something shifts.

    (i say goodbye and turn myself back around. still on the bridge.)
    i’m thinking about my feelings about you.
    * i’m worried about the guy in jail.
    will he take advantage of you?
    * i’m sad / glad? about the casual date guy.
    what will happen there?
    * i’m worried about your health.
    i’m glad that you’re working so hard.
    * glad that you shared your situation with me.


    (i’m off the bridge now)
    my intellect is assessing your situation.
    my feelings are about me.
    * what if i was in love with someone in jail?
    FEAR. there, but for the grace of god go i !!!
    * what if i felt a little tug from one of my kidneys?
    FEAR. would i even feel it?
    * what if i was biding my time with someone i didn’t
    SADNESS. GLADNESS? am i doing that with R. or with B?

    (i’m slowly walking forward)
    i’m intellectualizing about my situation.
    i’m recognizing my feelings.
    * i AM in love with a person in jail! he’s an addict.
    * I AM biding my time with someone i don’t love. B.
    * My past might keeping me there.
    FEAR. SADNESS. SHAME. stockholm syndrome.

    (i’m skipping now.)
    my feelings don’t overwhelm me now. i’m thinking about what i want to do. i’m reviewing my options. i’m asking myself questions.

    * is there anything i can do differently?
    * where is the ball, and how can i get it into my court?
    * what do i want to be saying to other people about who
    * who do i want to be?
    * what would that person do?

    i make a resolve.

    * i will write down all my options.
    * i will take some time for myself – go out of town.
    * i will forward myself by passing my real estate exam.
    * i want to be happily married, in a career that i love.
    * that person would get the career and tell the guys to

    ADIOS AMIGAS. I’m saddling up my horse. Tomorrow…

    I RIDE.

  31.  #31Tina on December 13, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    So anyway, my “forever” would have been really cool and said thought, “hey the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with online, I’ll wait and see what she has to say then get back to the caller. oh yeah that works for me:)

    Im beginning to feel like I’m “to available” even though Im not dating anyone else right now. I’m to available if he can just cut me off and answer the phone. I was in mid typing grrrrrr.

  32.  #32Tina on December 13, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Im going to read your letter now Daria 🙂

  33.  #33Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    OMGosh MAry!

    I love that image of running up to the person on the bridge when I am sharing my feelings… yes it is! Being vulnerable and open is like meeting someone on a bridge… and then something might shift… wow

    that feels soo exquisite

    thank you!

  34.  #34Tina on December 13, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Daria , is he presently in jail?

  35.  #35Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    yes he is hence the letter. He is going to be out soon most likely.

    Grr. I feel a lil worried because I did not really want the focus to be on him being in jail. I was actually going to edit that stuff out, and just write you guys the letter in terms of well… what it says otherwise.

    But I decided to be totally open and upfront.

    I just feel concerned that everyone (who is everyone) is going to say… Oh he’s in JAIL! oh and focus on that rather than the content of my letter which is what I want help/ tweaking, feedback on.

  36.  #36Daria on December 13, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I’m not really looking for empathy that he’s in jail. I don’t care if he’s in jail lol. He’ll be out soon enough, I’ve known many people in jail lol.

    Actually he’s getting on my nerves because he’s like ohhh I’m so stressed I’m so stressed.

    Im like Dude. Why are you so stressed. You are going to be out soon, you aren’t facing any big charges, I mean come on. STFUp.

    I feel annoyed and turned off by this. He just wants me to baby him.

    I mean if I was in his situation yes it would feel nice to be cared for but wtf. I don’t think I would be acting so babiesh.

    Ok so this time it really wasn’t your fault, you didn’t do anything, but hey this kinda shit happens.

    Ok so you’re gonna miss Christmas with your daughter yes I can dig that feels bad.

    But all this I’m so stressed! you act like theres some serious shit going on. Come on! I feel like rolling my eyes at him for real.

    Maybe I should add that in his letter. I feel like youre acting like a weak pussy and I am stronger than you. But I feel afraid that he will turn against me with his weak ass ego and I don’t want trouble from him. Most likely he wouldn’t even turn against me. He’s too “in love” with me or whatever. Good lord.

  37.  #37alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    daria my response to your letter:

    i feel very fulfilled to read you sharing your feelings. i feel excited at how far you’ve come. i feel interested in what your response is to stockholm syndrome. because well i feel sad about a siren giving so much energy to a vacuum man. and yet

    you say “i feel some kinda stockholm shit probably for this guy. but then again no.

    i just loved danger. danger and thrill and how i felt proud of myself for facing danger and sleeping with danger hehe…

    sleeping with the enemy. dangerous liasons. and all that crap”

    so what do i say? good luck with that, siren. i feel compassion and understanding.

  38.  #38Tina on December 13, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Daria, I know with U.T.I I personally would go straight for the antibiotics. I feel the same about a kidney infection.

  39.  #39alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    tina i would feel annoyed too. i will feel happy to hear of more men your rotation.

    mary that was so lovely and thoughtful what you wrote to daria. i feel moved.

  40.  #40Lola on December 13, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Hi Daria
    I’ve been trying to get round to posting all day because I read you letter late last night and felt it was really powerful – I was very moved and a bit choked because I could sense the conflicting emotions.

    It’s so good to write things out, I don’t feel anyone would judge you here for writing to someone in jail, glad as ever that we are sharing our experiences with each other.

    Did you send the letter?
    Are you feeling better?

    Did moving the book shelf around feel good? I get very excited about feng shui, its such a practical thing when you get down to it.

    I had so much trouble with my ex husband interfering in my business (he used to come in my house while I was away as my teenage son has a key and move furniture around in the children’s rooms!!!)

    In my bedroom I found loads of pictures of him – under the bed, in drawers even in a pile of books. I’ve got rid of everything in my room to do with him and the only photos of him are in the children’s rooms. I have very little trouble wit him these days…

    I felt forgiving towards myself this morning for relapsing into old needy patterns in the face of bf’s dramatic exit.
    But he called this morning and was sorry, which is a relatively new thing for him as usually he would wait for me to harangue him into communication and he was never sorry but I would be(?)

  41.  #41Tina on December 13, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Daria, “Jailman” is and you probibly know this already, does not fit the criteria for circular dating material.

  42.  #42janjune on December 13, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    hi goddesses,
    it feels so good to get back to this blog…my copmputer has been down for awhile…

    This is in my opinion the best post yet!
    I have thought so many times, “The posts can’t get any better” and then they DO! But this one is so “distilled”– it feels like the essence of the program is there in just a few paragraphs.

    Rori, may God bless your work and bless you for cultivating such kind and generous heart toward others!

  43.  #43janjune on December 13, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    i felt so happy to read about your reaction to seeing johnny!

    : ) movin’ on wit th’ program…..!

  44.  #44janjune on December 13, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    one of the doctors i have contact, from India, said a member of his family had kidney problems (didn’t say what kind) and took care of them by drinking barley water. I didn’t find much online about it except a few mentions, but today i just made barley water for someone using 2/3 cup organic barley to 4 cups distilled water, simmered, covered for 15 minutes then strained. they are going to try drinking about a half cup a day.
    I added a pinch of celtic sea salt and one clove of organic garlic just so they would try it. I wouldn’t have added that if it was for me.

  45.  #45Tina on December 13, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Thank you Alias girl, I feel heard 🙂

  46.  #46Tara on December 13, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Rori’s observations in this post are great. Much of this story and Rori’s take on it could also apply to my situation with Steve, since we’re on the theater board together and often cast together in shows as well.

    There is one thing I have a question about. Rori says it’s impossible to truly love a man unless he treats us well. Is *real* love situational and based on someone’s (the man’s) behavior towards you, or is it steadfast, unchanging, unconditional, and there no matter what? If our love for the man is conditional and dependent on how well he’s behaving, how can we expect his love to be deathless?

    And if love is situational and behavior-dependent, what kind of a basis is that for lifelong commitment?

    That doesn’t mean, of course, that having love for someone means we will tolerate bad behavior from them. I think it’s more a case of, “Yes, I love this person, and I probably always will, which means I’m vulnerable to being hurt by them, but I can still choose what I do about it.”

  47.  #47ABC on December 13, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    thank you Rori for another insightful post!

    i’ve never even heard of the Stockholm Syndrome until today! i just did some research and i am just so happy that i gain more perspective on this.

    i guess it really explains a lot about my past behaviors when i was attracted to toxic men. When i thought that i was “in love” when clearly i couldn’t because i just tried to find something to justify the bad situation i was in, just so to make myself feel better.

    this is great info!

  48.  #48laughing goddess on December 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Please god(dess), let me make it at least on day without leaning forward…please please please! Just one day!

    I don’t want to lean forward. I don’t want to email or text or call. I want to focus on me. I want to feel excited about ME

  49.  #49Tina on December 13, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Daria, I like what you wrote, if you are going to send it then do it. He is an ex boyfriend, I suppose so long as your not thinking things will change especially his situation. Heal away, It is what we are learning here.

  50.  #50alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    laughing goddess are you on a dating site? it helps to be circular dating. circular dating helps prevent us from laser focussing. and we receive energy from lots of other men and get our needs met from lots of other men.

    i feel very supportive.

    even lighting a candle. or changing the part in your hair. or going out of the house for a bit. or researching something online.

    anything to focus positively on your beautiful goddess self who is worthy and deserving of an available, good man who sends his energy to you and wants to please you.


  51.  #51alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    i have decided it might feel good to experiment with “having my way” with men a little more. 🙂

    yesterday i passed this man who i found attractive. as i walked by i said hello. and i could see the entire shift in his demeanor after i did. and after i passed i thought hmm well i probably could have stopped and flirted with him. just to have my way with him.

    i feel totally on board with rori’s LEAN BACK concept. absolutely. but i feel i am experimenting with my rockstar ways and i can kind of feel the difference between a rower and a non rower. so i will feel, if i stop to flirt, what kind of energy is or is not coming at me.

    i feel a little nervous to try this. which is kind of why i want to do it. i love conquering my fears.

    hence, the singing lessons. etc. i feel nervous a little about becoming more of who i want to be. i feel nervous. rrrg. i wish i had a “dream” coach. a coach to help me achieve my dreams.

  52.  #52Mary on December 13, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    alias girl: i will play the piano for you to sing : )

  53.  #53alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    ok mary!!!!! although i am leaning more towards pop music. is there piano in pop music? but still we could do christmas carols and stuff around your piano. and “put the kettle on”. 🙂 i feel warm and cozy. 🙂

    i am googling “dream coach” right now.


  54.  #54alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    i feel VERY EXCITED!!!!!

  55.  #55Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Alias Girl –

    I feel intrigued by stockholm syndrome. I feel attracted to dangerous men.

    At the men’s workshop I was at (Which I feel was a big step back for me in a way, because before that I felt very feminine energy and in wholefoods guys were all over themselves for me, and I would speak only in feeling messages or silence, but after the seminar, I fell into some kind of buddy buddy energy with men there and I feel like it was a set back – but maybe it was good, maybe now i get to be even MORE in my feminine…)

    ANYWAYS they cited some kinda study or survey done and the 3 top things women were attracted to in men were

    3. (i forgot)? Good looking? Intelligent?

    2. Rich

    1. Bank robber

    Lol. Well I felt shocked, I thought that only Daria and a handful of women felt attracted to the “bank robber” type.

    But i guess it was number one.

    I feel weird and turned on about the Stockholm Syndrome.

    I also feel weird and grossed out.


    Did i mention I did that weird thingy voice thing that was tormenting me thing? and I did some trauma clearing from a past life with it?

    I don’t know what to say about the Stockholm Syndrome. I find it romantic to fall in love with a man who first raids my village and kidnaps me but then he falls in love with me.

    I also feel torn between loyalty for my village and him, and maybe I murder him. hehe. and then miss him for a long time…

    or I dono

    I like men that I feel have a good heart.

    I don’t know if this dude has a good heart. he says he does and i see a tiny glimmer.

    What i see is a lil boy who doesn’t know how to be a man in some ways, and who is very afraid no one will love him. I feel bad for him. I want to love him, I want to be the one who wont abandon him, or treat him bad like his mom. I think his mom fucked him up.

    I know his mom. Shes a thugged out lady who used to get drunk and kick it with people our age and she is powerful in a status way with men. She is also not trustworthy to me.

    When I first met him, I felt like God or an angel told me he is a star angel like me. So i put up with a lot of bs from him because I thought he was a star angel and because i didnt know how to stand up for myself.

    But i don’t feel “in love” with him the way I did with guy who had a baby.

    Guy who had a baby had a good heart and it was obvious.

    Anyway I feel confused and the drainy sadness from him. I don’t want to leave him alone with the drainy sadness. Who will love him if I don’t?

    It feels sad to think of no one loving him.

    He is quite a diva at getting his needs met.

    I have learned quite a few things from him.

    Like saying “i feel irritated,” and “I feel annoyed” to people.

    I do feel attracted to him,

    but his “bad” qualities are actually what keeps me distant from him, and from being able to fully love him.

    So that is not in tune with stockholm syndrome.

    But the I feel bad for him, he is so fucked up, who will love him, might be.

    I had something of that feeling with my ex, my first love, who i used to fight with all the time.

    I can definitely relate with not wanting the police to take away a man i was fighting with… but that doesn’t seem so unusual/uncommon to me.

    I think the stockholm syndrome is part sham, part reality.

    I feel annoyed at things being called syndromes in general.

    I remember readin some book of the Kristen series by Christina Kirkegaard , or was the character woman named Kirkegaard? I forgot. some classic.

    Anyway one man there was the farmhand his name was Ulf, he was a very rough man and he used to beat his wife. I dono why but I remember feeling like well someone has to love and be the wife of “rough” men like that, because they are actually strong and powerful and good people (he was strong and helpful in the story) but it has to be a brave woman to face that . (and i am a brave woman of course).

    So anyway. I have moved away from the drawing in energy of save him from being lonely men, and am now focusing on me and being happy.

    Hence I treat this man with a lot of non phone answering, and a lot of hanging up.

    He’s the first man I ever hung up on, way back when. And boy did he call agian. I loved the power I felt not hanging up.

    And then I started to be able to speak my feelings more on the phone, rather than be hypnotized and afraid that he would threaten me (which I would take serious – though it turns out he did this to a lot of girls he dated, and it was totally a bluff – what a dumbass, (well it worked kinda lol))
    yeah him and his friends put on this bossy no nonsense voice when talking to women LOOl it feels so amusing. But I never was able to run over him mindwise and be the more powerful masculine? person, like I did with my brothers.

    So I did feel attracted by that, even though the way he achieved it felt bad, that is by scaring me.

    now he says hes in love with me and hes trying to be nice in how he talks to me, but i get the feeling that he could lose his temper still and I don’t want to get into it with him, i still feel afraid.

    Also i feel like he maybe lets me say Too much, that is sometimes I get a mad tone rather than a feeling message, and I would feel good to have that addressed in a way that opens me up, rather than have him accept my mean way OR him start saying Im disrespecting him and talking loud and saying cuss words.

    not at me. cusswords at me get the click and not pick up for months .


    I feel drained by talking about this guy so much.

    I don’t want to say who the fuck cares, but I don’t really want to feel drained.

    I like the idea of how people in our lives are mirrors of us. Yeah. I liked how he changed as I changed. I like the idea of me changing effecting change in the world and in men around me too.

    I liek the thought of my treating myself Goddess well and expressing myself can heal this man and others too.

    yup ok.

  56.  #56Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Tina – Anyone fits the criteria of circular dating material.

  57.  #57Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Tina – i do think things will change. They have been.

    I am not all invested in him though.

  58.  #58Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    I feel drained thinking about Stockholm Syndrome. I am not interested in thinking of myself as having Stockholm Syndrome.

    I feel kinda triggered.

  59.  #59Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    more like “love for men who are doing fucked up things and a part of me can tell they are hurting and thinks I am Jesusa syndrome”

  60.  #60Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    I don’t give a fuck. I still want to heal people if they have treated me bad. I don’t want to be treated bad though.

    I feel Annoyed because I’m sure I have treated people badly in the past too.

    So he probably has Stockholm Syndrome on me, me on him.

    He is my reflection. I don’t want to be in a relationship that doesn’t feel good. hehe BOTH THINGs.

    I don’t have unconditional love for a Relationship.

    I have unconditional love for a person.

    If you want my Relationship you’re gonna have to MEET MY CONDITIONS. hehe. And prove shit and do shit for me.

  61.  #61Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    You Goddesses dont think my letter hast oto much YOU YOU YOU!!?

  62.  #62janjune on December 13, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    hi tara,

    the questions in your comment stirred me as the issue seems to be a Catch 22.

    i believe rori is trying to show us that *real* love from a man is far MORE situational than we might ever have dreamed!

    I believe she’s trying to show us that “based on someone’s (the man’s) behavior towards you” we CAN determine his motives and intentions far more accurately than we ever imagined if we’ll only let his behavior speak and quit silencing it by substituting what we wish was happening!

    AND IF the “steadfast, unchanging, unconditional, and there no matter what” kind of love alot of women are used to providing a man WAS, instead, a little more “conditional and dependent on how well he’s behaving” that men would actually be MORE motivated to invest in our hope that “his love be deathless”.

    BUT i think rori is emphasizing
    that before it ever GETS that far that we qualify him:
    Does he recognize what we have is valuable?
    Is he capable of valuing it on a consistent basis?
    Can he step up — meaning (to me) can he play THIS game?, because it is a game with rules
    Does he know what I have is not an entitlement but a gift of the heart?
    Does he realize i have given him careful consideration and found him worthy of this gift of the heart?
    That I’m not trying to “get rid of my heart” to *just anyone* who will take it or even just pretend to for awhile?

    i’ve learn from rori’s teachings that “if love is situational and behavior-dependent, what kind of a basis is that for lifelong commitment?” the following:

    That it’s the type of lifelong committment that CHALLENGES a man to be his BEST for you.
    It’s a gift he chooses to claim. Or not…

    the GREAT VALUE of the gift demand that both people honor it or let it go.

    Thank you rori, thank you goddesses!

  63.  #63Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Wow Janjune thank you! Thank you for that. I love how our love being on the condition of being treated well challenges the man to be his best! for me and for the world.

    It can actually keep him on a transformational road!

    So he can maybe get from whiny give me love mama’s boy to the strong man he is capable of!


    thank you

    ps glad youre bakc!

  64.  #64Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks Janjune for the barley. That’s right. I know barley should be good for flushing kidneys and urinary.

    Im using nettle right now to strengthen them, something theyve been asking for awhile.

    My acupuncturist man doctor gave me acupuncture, herbs for the nani and some wash and cream thingies to put in there.

    They seem to be for nanis, rather than utis that have gone to the kidneys, but perhapst thats the trouble too, maybe the bacteria balance is off in my nani (i think it was) and that would cause the uti to happen in that case and then perhaps keep it from healing. So i am going to stop the garlic

    his advice “don’t do anything on your own”

    lol thanks Mr. MAN! lol

    I feel a lil annoyed and also vastly amused.

    But I feel kinda assured that he said this time it will be cured fast, maybe by thursday.

    I am still gonna drink nettle juice, no more garlic as I think its becoming less effectual and I do know that its a stimlulant so like he said too much could be bad for me.

    Plus tomorrow morningn I made an appt at planned parenthood, I am going to have the test done there and take their antibiotics home with me, so i iwll have that at home to use in case im not cured, although I think that I will be.

    PS I feel better than I have felt in a long time, really weird. Great energy!

    I think the garlic may have cleared some stuff out my sinuses cuz i had a low grade fever and runny nose on one side, now its over.

    LIke candida die off or something.

    My breasts feel sore and full, am I going to get my period (new moon coming – time I want it and expect it to happen) is that why? or is the garlic and flushng is that why?

    I dono. BUt im feeeling good and very sure that I will be cured and that this is actually Good for me. Very nice contrast to I want to kill myself desperation from before.

  65.  #65Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Lola –

    I feel MUCH better after moving my stuff around. Super great actaully.

    I havent sent it yet. He asked me for pictures and I suppose I can send some, but I don’t feel like doing it right now.

  66.  #66Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    My Godson had “stockholm syndrome,” when he was 3 and tried to stick his hand in the outlet after I told him not to. I smacked his hand and he cried, and he threw himself sobbing in my arms. I felt shocked and touched.

  67.  #67Daria on December 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Im feeling angry at Stockholm Syndrome RRRRRR smack smack… fuck u stockholm syndrome.

  68.  #68Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    I have Goddess Syndrome.

    Its a rare and very dangerous syndrome where the person thinks they are a Goddess and no amount of logic or persuasion can convince them otherwise.

  69.  #69Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    I did read a story about a woman who was kidnapped in the 70s and tortured and slept in the basement in a coffin with spikes and raped and lost of weird stuff, and the man finally killed another woman who lived with them, and one day the woman finally left.

    But she did have feelings of love for him though she knew it was fucked up.

  70.  #70Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    Maybe abusive people come into our lives because they want us to heal them. But the way to heal them is not to forgive and enable them but by not allowing ourselves to be abused, hence breaking or lessening the energy pattern.

  71.  #71Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    i want goddess syndrome.

  72.  #72Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    i’m going out with bank robber tonight. i need goddess syndrome and a magic good fairy wand

  73.  #73Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Mirror mirror on the wall.

    Is he a mirror of my dad who grew up without a dad and is critical and scary when he’s angry? Am i mirror of his mom who drank and went wild and is strongminded more than most men?


  74.  #74alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    i feel compassion daria. all i know is to follow rori’s suggestions of following my feelings. that’s really what i rely on these days.

    i made up big fantasies in the past, triggered by my old traumas. the whole stockholm syndrome resonates FOR ME because it feels reminiscent of my childhood. there was SO LITTLE love in my childhood. so little affection or attention or praise or support or guidance or assistance. But i created a love affair in my head with my father because he was the ONLY one who showed me a little tiny tiny bit in between all of his raging and vacuum energy sucking up all my little goddess girl energy with his chronic narcissism.

    it’s been a long road. I feel happy to be on my happy ever after. and for me, vacuum men feel TERRIBLE now. TERRIBLE. and i feel very happy about. ecstatic!

    people can change. if they want to. but i feel no desire to waste my goddess self and glorious divine goddess mist on men who just suck it all up, demand and manipulate for more, never even appreciated or savored my glorious divine goddess mist in the first place and just keeping sucking sucking sucking up more and more and more and more endlessly because they are an empty pit inside because they ARE NOTY CONNECTED TO THEIR OWN LIFE SOURCE. they are using mine. and offering me nothing in return except an occassional crumb of affection when they fear i am backing away.

    I feel completely disgusted in what used to unconsciously “turn me on”. ok, not accurate. i still feel “turned on” initially by the “set-up” or trigger or crumb of a vacuum man that is the template of my relationship with my father.

    but two minutes into it i feel turned off and used and depleted and angry. and i say, i gots to go.

    i gots to go and circular date and get me some more free therapy. talk to you later when you get hooked up to your godsource.

    thank you.

    in answer to your question who is going to love the vacuum man? the answer is himself eventually.

    because a vacuum man hates himself and is using everyone around him to feel better. sucking on their energy and manipulating and creating drama. so HE can feel better.

  75.  #75janjune on December 13, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    sending thoughts and blessings of health to you….
    may your energy connect with the energy in the herbs and medicines and bring health to your body.

  76.  #76Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    Mary its easy to get Goddess Syndrome all it takes is practice thinking you have it.

  77.  #77Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Alias Girl i feel a lil triggered. I am not interested in throwing my energy at a vacuum man.

    In fact I’ll probably not be taking this man’s phone calls for awhile; because i didn’t feel good last speaking to him and I don’t think I would feel good picking up right now.

    I am however interested in being pursued and getting calls from men who are interested in me, and having everyday a new start. So i will at some point receive the calls and energy he is giving me, and refuse the vaccuum energy if it comes up as best I know. It’s awesome practice for pointing my energy at me.

    On another note “guy who had a baby” is playing out an energy pattern of that guy that i had a crush on when i was 5 and i felt rejected.

    I am interested in healing both these patterns.

  78.  #78Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    The question who is going to love the man is more like a FEELING, an energetic thingy that most likely he is projecting, Ie love me love me. It’s liek a wound that needs healing. I realize the wound is not going to be healed by me going in there and trying to fix it.

    Rather by me having my energy on me and accepting only good stuff and therefore breaking, lessening the pattern.

    I am writing out what could be called “my demons”

    I’m not feeling desperate or trying to throw myself at the man or what not. I feel a lil misunderstood.

    Im writing hidden strangers to light.


  79.  #79Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Janjune thank you! I feel glad we both like herbs!

  80.  #80Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Alias Girl I am rereading. I feel empathy. I do resonate with the essence of the stockholm syndrome. I feel strongly triggered by calling energetic patterns, or whatever syndromes, so I feel angry at the syndrome-namers about that.

  81.  #81Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    daria, keep going! you’re on the yellow brick road.

  82.  #82Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    what does this mean?

    “I’m writing hidden strangers to light.”


  83.  #83Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Mary I meant I am writing out stuff that goes on in my awareness that is kinda hidden

  84.  #84Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    aw yes, your demons.

    i like this last stuff about men who want us to heal them. i think that’s what i’m going through. trying to keep my energy from being sucked away from me.

  85.  #85Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    i’m gonna use my protective goddess shield

  86.  #86Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    oooh Mary. What works for me is the pond.

    The pond doesnt go out. It can WANT to go out, creating powerful waves, but the energy only laps out at the shore and comes back to the pond.

    Meanwhile the men are rivers coming into the pond.

    Also one exercise Rori had us do that’s similar. That is of our heart beating fast, and Wanting to jump to a man, but we let it beat and Want to go to him, but hold it in our own body. And when we’re sure its beating for us, in our own body, we let it warm US with its beating. we can let it Want to go to him as long as its in our body.

    And then when we feel we have that step, we OPEN UP our heart to him (still in our body) and to the world (this feels pretty wowie)

    and then we let it MOVE us, like a dance, with our heartbeat

    its super wow

    but no RUSH or stress, only one step at a time. Sometimes I only get step one, Let the heart Want to go towards him but keep it in my body.

    I think it was in an e-letter.

  87.  #87janjune on December 13, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    alias girl,

    “but i feel no desire to waste my goddess self and glorious divine goddess mist on men who just suck it all up, demand and manipulate for more, never even appreciated or savored my glorious divine goddess mist in the first place and just keeping sucking sucking sucking up more and more and more and more endlessly because they are an empty pit inside because they ARE NOTY CONNECTED TO THEIR OWN LIFE SOURCE. they are using mine. and offering me nothing in return except an occassional crumb of affection when they fear i am backing away.

    I feel completely disgusted in what used to unconsciously “turn me on”. ok, not accurate. i still feel “turned on” initially by the “set-up” or trigger or crumb of a vacuum man that is the template of my relationship with my father.”

    soooooooooo good!!!!!!!! i’m laughing!!!
    sooooooooooooo so so so well said!
    My feelings like the ones you described are even spilling over onto other people, not just men i’m interested in. it’s wonderful how the tools and rori’s concepts can carry over to other relationships too.

    There are other energy vampire, empty pit, soul draining narcissists out there who will STILL “come in and take over” OUR private *selves* if we allow it!

  88.  #88Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    I feel worried about hte shield. I liek the shield in terms of keeping energy in, but I feel worried it could keep energy out? but maybe its a special keep energy in shield?

  89.  #89janjune on December 13, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    yes daria, this makes sense,
    “Rather by me having my energy on me and accepting only good stuff and therefore breaking, lessening the pattern.
    I am writing out what could be called “my demons”
    I’m not feeling desperate or trying to throw myself at the man or what not. I feel a lil misunderstood.
    Im writing hidden strangers to light.”

    im reading it as that you’re allowing yourself to be within a certain pattern of energy (the energy he’s putting out) because you are learning and growing from being there.
    And that through writing you’re bringing hidden parts of yourself out so you can see them and deal with them.

    yes!!!!!!!!!! keep going!!!!!!!!

    so dont feel misunderstood:

  90.  #90Daria on December 13, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Jan June!

    yes! Thank you ! wow. I like this “im reading it as that you’re allowing yourself to be within a certain pattern of energy (the energy he’s putting out) because you are learning and growing from being there.”


    and i have a lot of practice to do. To stay in my feelings and express them honestly whne having a convo with him, rather tahn get lost and distracted and pulled into the pattern

    its like playing a challenging video game ( i like videogames)

  91.  #91Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    wow, daria! thank you. i’m going in an hour. i’ll try to remember.

    yesterday i was with him, and i kept thinking: how am i feeling? how am i feeling? and i was feeling good! so i told him i felt happy. we were just driving around, looking at christmas lights. i wanted to tell him over and over, but i didn’t have a lot of words for happy. i think another time i said something about joyful feeling.

    last night we stopped for gas, and he decided to wash the windshield of his SUV. he did the whole length of it in a single stroke! and it was done in just a few strokes. fast and efficient. it was totally graceful i was soooooo impressed. i love those manly moves.

  92.  #92janjune on December 13, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    yes, i love herbs, homeopathy, nutrition, foods, minerals, movement, and how our etheric, energetic body systems (electrical and magnetic) and spirit and beliefs and thoughts and hopes and desires and decisions and perceptions and our “yesses” and our “nos” work together with our physical body!!

  93.  #93Mary on December 13, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    i like the pond. i must have missed that on the CDs.

  94.  #94Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    MAry HEHE!

    I feel happy just thinking about that. ! Also Silence is an amazing Goddess tool. It is soo sexy. So i feel happy plus silence is amazing.

    Today I was driving thinking how I feel terrified to be married. A guy wants to drive pretty far to coem see me, and I felt attracted to him before, but I felt so dispassionate now (he’ s not follwoign up right now, i told him i needed time to get ready, my mind says hes waiting for me to let him know, but i am going to wait till he makes a move im feeling anxious, maybe this is why my Psychic ass was not excited)

    Soo i was like nooo… I don’t want to meet a guy who I can actually possibly marry! That would mean I dont get to meet flirt with and have sex with so many other men!

    I love my fear of what I want.

    I want to feel like I can h ave any man I want.

    And I also want a family and a wonderful marriage.

    But right now I feel like I REALLY WANT TO FEEL like i can go anywhere without feeling anxious, and flirt with ALL men I find attractive and have sex with the ones i want to have sex with and feel like I can have any man.

    And I want PASSION in my marriage too,.

  95.  #95Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Mary –

    pond was in an e-letter. I got it once a year ago, I didnt like the idea of being the pond.

    This time I GOT it and it clicked for me so much energetically. I love feeling like a pond energetically, especeially cuz so many rivers can flow into me at once hehe.

  96.  #96Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Jan June what are some of the websites regarding this stuff that you would feel most inspired to share with me right now?

    hehe I feel curious and excited

  97.  #97Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I feel afraid to look men in the eye for 5 seconds !

    I think because I feel like my cultural conditioning are that stranger men are going to come be lewd, or attack me and rape me!

    When we were 12 or 14 or whatever, my cousin and I would have to run home from the metro because to avoid men who might try to rape us or something…

    Also, if I’m not attracted to them, ie they are older, I Feel like I’m still a kid. Im like No, I feel gross and icky when an older man is looking at me, doesn’t he know I’m just a child! wtf! and it feels weird. I Want to feel fatherly , grandpaly love from older men, not sexual attraction and I feel scared of it.
    (BTw im not a child)

  98.  #98alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    i wish you the best daria. i feel confident you will work it out for yourself.

  99.  #99janjune on December 13, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    thanks for your comment as this is right where i find myself at this point in time — trying to:

    “stay in my feelings and express them honestly whne having a convo with him, rather tahn get lost and distracted and pulled into the pattern”.

    im so aware now of either not being able to hold onto my own energy pattern or when i do hold on to it i hold on so tight im inflexible…still not moving in the flow in a balanced way.

    i think the exercise you said rori gave will help so much…slowing down and going thru the steps in that tool as the feelings are recognized.

  100.  #100Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    Ok so u guys didn’t think my letter was too much YOU and stuff?

    ok i think its going out as is. lol. I feel revengeful and amused that he will read it expecting maybe some support letter.

    I feel worried he won’t read it all… though he probably will, not having other stuff to do in there

    I feel worried he will take shit “the wrong way”.

    I feel glad thtat he will know my feelings and Iknow that will brign healing yay.

  101.  #101Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Yes. Ive been feeling very sassy ever since the Embrace your Inner Drama Queen thing. Ive been having a lot of fun telling men I feel annoyed, and irritated, and that they get on my nerves.

    BUT … I haven’t been going as deep as before, and also not leaning back as much. IT would feel nice to go back in to

    a lot of silence and deepness.

  102.  #102Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Thanks AG!

  103.  #103alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    actually i feel annoyed and heat rising in my body.

    i feel annoyed. who misunderstood who?




    I am not trying to tell you YOU have stockholm syndrome or even I do. I AM SAYING I RESONATE WITH IT AND HERE’S WHY.

    and using the term “stockholm syndrome” is just a convenient way to refer to a whole mass of behaviors. I AM NOT ASKING ANYONE TO WEAR A BADGE OR LABEL.


  104.  #104alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 7:26 pm



    I HATE IT.







  105.  #105janjune on December 13, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Stockholm Syndrome—
    imo, Yes, very real protective emotional defense pattern for people subjected to abuse when they have no choice (or perceive they have no choice) other than to depend upon their abusers in order to survive.

  106.  #106alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 7:36 pm


    where are the people who can tolerate my anger and drawing boundaries?

    well actually mary was extremely kind and so was simply shannon.

    hmm ok that was good then. that was a good experience to have.

    and with my EX i actually hung up on him and told him i didn’t want him in my life anymore and then he called and left a message and i had no idea what he said and didn’t care. and then the next day i reversed and invited him over. (OK WHO IS TOXIC IN THIS SITUATION WELL IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IT’S ME)

    and then with this other woman i just feel this passive aggressiveness and i was trying to be straightfoward with my communication and she hasn’t been practicing rori tools so what i got back was a one liner about how my THINKING is faulty. that i misunderstood her intentions. OOOOOOOOOOHGHGHHHHHHHHHHREAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

    because i wrote you paragraphs of my side, my feelings. about ME.

    and what i get back is some JAB. and no further attempt to COMMUNICATE.






    i love my anger and i feel very proud of myself for my new behavior of attempting to resolve conflict without blame or revoking my love or telling the person to please exit my life immediately and forever

    aw thanks for triggering me daria

  107.  #107alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    i feel much better. baby step by baby step i feel real, functioning, supportive, loving relationships with people are possible in my life.

    wow. miracles happen.

  108.  #108Lisa on December 13, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Alias Girl,

    Thanks for the info on Stockholm Syn. and investment.

    I asked a male friend recently if men had the same idea that women do about “investing” time into a man, and feeling bad about losing that time. He said, “No.”

    I guess it has something to do with our biology, and maybe that idea that we women often do not invest in bigger things on the life board, or at least haven’t, historically. Men invest in stocks and houses, women in relationships.

    Fr. the song, Try a Little Tenderness: “Love is her whole happiness.” So yeah, even a bad man is “our” man. Even if he’s like a bad penny stock — it’s ours. Or so we think. Maybe women are more territorial and possessive than men. For me, it’s like a carve out a tiny niche, this niche of HIM. So this is mine, and I’ll keep defending it from all comers.

    In my case, that was men and women (I’m pretty sure he’s actually bi-). So I was always on the lookout, always vigilant, and expecting attack. *Sigh*. that is not love. I feel like leaning back. Thanks, Rori.

    Stockholm Syndrome songs: “How am I supposed to live without you; now that I’ve been loving you so long”

    “It takes a real good woman to change a no good man.”


  109.  #109Mary on December 13, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    daria – before you send that letter – hold on a second – i want to give you a link…

  110.  #110Mary on December 13, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    well heck, the stuff is in an email, but i’m gonna share it, because it might sorta like he’s in the military, and this is about how men feel who get letters when they’re doing active duty in the military. it might relate…

    or it might not relate! it might be thinking more about the guy and not enough about you. ? ? ? i seriously don’t know.

    this is from mimi tanner.

    * * * * * * * * *

    Yesterday I shared an email from a woman whose boyfriend is about to deploy to Iraq in a matter of days, and she wants to know if she should find out if they have a future before he leaves. I shared my opinion on it, and
    during the day, I received several wonderful emails from
    women who are IN the military and who were able to shed
    more light on this. It was absolutely wonderful. And
    I’m thrilled to share their emails with you today.

    (Yesterday’s email is repeated here also.)

    Dear Mimi,

    As a “seasoned” female Army Soldier of over 20 years,
    this girlfriend of this Soldier needs to understand something…. right now it’s NOT about HER or THEM, it’s about HIM going to war and it’s about HIM returning home alive and with all his body parts!

    If this girlfriend loves this Soldier, she needs to be
    patient right now and put her needs on hold. She needs to help him through his deployment by writing him often,
    sending him “I care” packages, remaining faithful in his
    absence and actually being there for him when he returns
    home. A deployment of any kind (especially to a war zone)
    is what makes or breaks a relationship in the military.

    This girlfriend needs to ask herself another question…
    If this Soldier were to ask her to marry him before he deploys,
    or better yet, if they were to actually get married before he
    deployed and he were to return from the war missing an arm,
    a leg (or maybe both), or if he were to return with half of
    his skull or face missing, is she willing to and going to
    remain his devoted wife?

    War is reality, as are the repercussions of war. This
    girlfriend needs understand what reality is all about!

    — J.

    I have had more correspondence with J. and a lot more to
    share with you on this subject. I guarantee you will find
    it very thought-provoking.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    One thing everyone in the military agrees on is this:

    Don’t bring up the “Serious Talk” about where things this
    week – and whatever you do, do not break up with him
    while he is overseas. More on why tomorrow. Here is the
    next email:


    Normally, I read these wonderful messages and take the
    advice to use in my relationship, but this post I felt I
    should respond to. I am a female in my 40’s who deployed
    to Kuwait. I can give a little insight into the plight of
    an Iraqi-bound GI.

    He will be depending on letters and packages from this
    woman and will fall more in love with her through the courting
    of the letters. I saw it many times with the GI’s that I was
    deployed with. They all ended up going home and getting
    married to the lady who was writing to them. I definitely
    agree that she should not bring the subject up over Thanksgiving
    because many times the GI’s are advised to not get involved
    before they deploy to limit family distress while being at war.
    They are guarded and will not commit because they fear they
    will leave someone hanging.

    Presently, my own son is in this situation with a girl
    who wants to be married to him and he deploys in March. She
    too has the same question. I have talked to my son and he
    wants to release her until he gets back to enable her to make
    a good choice and not feel like he is holding her down while
    he is gone 13 months. He fears she will cheat and it will
    hurt him worse.

    I commend him for thinking of her, but also advised
    him that when women are in love they are willing to wait and he
    could just give her a promise ring, promising to come back to
    her in the future. It still is her choice to wait or go.

    Ultimately, Dear John letters do nothing but destroy morale
    of not only the man who gets one, but the comrades that deal with
    the heartbreak of their fellow soldier. This is the last thing
    the troops need in the face of danger!


    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    I have more to share tomorrow, but the advice is unanimous
    (which rarely happens!) –

    Amy should not worry about the future with her boyfriend
    now. If she really is in love with him and wants to spend
    her life with him, she should be his emotional support
    when he is away for a year.

    One more email to share today:

    Wow, Mimi, I just read the story of “Amy” and I can feel
    for her. We have just about the same kind of story except my
    Army SGT married me back in September on my birthday before
    he deployed to Iraq for a year. He has had his four-day leave
    and now he is in Iraq by way of Ft. Hood, Texas.

    By the way, he had just left Ft. Hood that Tuesday the
    week of the shootings there for his four-day leave. I do hope
    her situation ends as well as mine has, I love my new husband
    very much. I wish her well.


  111.  #111Mary on December 13, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    of course, daria, your situation is different, because you said that your feelings are dying down. if you don’t want to keep the relationship, why the long letter? as rori suggested to LJ, she doesn’t even need to write one! you could do short and sweet! THINK about those boundaries. THINK about your feelings. but just say exactly what you want him to know. it comes to my mind that he can’t go around circular dating at the moment.

  112.  #112Mary on December 13, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    oops! i’m going now. talk to you later!

    love, mary

  113.  #113Mary on December 13, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    so whatever you say is gonna be pretty important to him…

  114.  #114Daria on December 13, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Mary, not that it matters or maybe it does, but we’ve been “dating” for 8 years now. He always pursues me. We also know many people in common.

  115.  #115janjune on December 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm


    some of my favorites are
    Hannah Kroeger
    Dr. John Christopher
    Ann Wigmore
    Ann Marie Work
    Susun Weed
    Kurt Donsbach
    Norman Walker

    Prescription for Nutritional Healing, SECOND edition
    Kathy Cooks…Naturally by Kathy Hoshijo
    Let’s Get Well by Adele Davis
    Dr. Christopher’s School of Natural Healing—has all of his formulas
    Change your Brain, Change your Life, by Daniel Amen
    He describes how your thoughts are actual THINGS that create an electrical impulse that causes your body to creates a correspondingly positive or negative chemical, which in turn creates a feeling in your physical body…. and there is technology where they can actually see which areas of a person’s brain are active when they’re thinking certain thoughts.

    if you research any of these i’d be interested to know your thoughts.

  116.  #116Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    Oh oops reading backwards, let me read the e-letter you shared.

  117.  #117alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    lisa ugh. yes. i felt my heart grow defensive and deflated reading what you wrote. my romantic dreams are SO IMPORTANT to me. and so i feel SO INVESTED in certain men because my romantic dreams are linked to them. i link up this huge INVESTMENT to a man and then yes i NEED TO PROTECT IT AND HOLD ON TO IT for dear life. as if it is my life.

    maybe i would do good to scale my investment in what a romantic relationship means and provides in my life and learn to start getting those needs met from many sources like rori suggests. this is all jumbled in my expression right now but yes.

    this sense of HUGE INVESTMENT in connection to a man that is not that hugely invested in my feels WAY OFF base for health and happiness.

    This i probably why i get so triggered when a man doesn’t call. because it is a sign he is not as invested as i am. and that feels dangerous. and so i overreact. i’m not sure. i feel i am rambling.

    but i get triggered very easily and i believe because i am erroneously over invested in outside sources

    over invested in people’s opinions of me for my self esteem

    over invested in a man’s behavior towards me because if he isn’t showing signs of “picking” me then i feel like three day old beans about to be tossed in the trash. and so i want to reject them before they reject me well basically i already feel rejected when a man doesn’t call when he says he will and that feels INTOLERABLE so i want to eliminate him altogether. because i was INVESTED in him possibly being my guy. the guy i pick to burden him with fulfilling all my romantic and unfulfilled dreams. ugh,

    ew. i am rambling but i feel i am clearing something big.

    thank you lisa. i felt ugh to read what you wrote but in a good (triggered) way and i feel appreciative.

  118.  #118Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Wow I feel triggered!!!! Whoa..

    Mary – thank you for the letter and comments…

    to put it in a not pretty direct message i am not all worried about him (ie dont really feel all bad for him) being in jail or not! He is going to be out in a few months, or maybe even sooner I hope for his sake.

    I personally figure well if he goes to jail its on him. I dont want to be a woman that takes care of him when in jail. In jail or not in jail in war or not in war, I basically expect the same Goddess treatment. And i expect a man to be a man. Therefore if anything i feel annoyed that hes gone to jail and therefore “can’t” do some things to please me as before, although truly he could show me love on the phone or otherwise etc. When he was out I didn’t really talk to him much because I didn’t want to drive to him. I did one time. He was calling me but I mostly did not pick up his calls.

    what i write to him better be important ! lol.

    omgosh I feel so triggered about those soldiers advice. I feel like WTF! so triggered????

    Ummm… no thank you? No I will not hodl on my life forever because you are going to war. Sorry buddy kiss my ass.

    You are going to have to make a serious commitment to me BEFORE going any where if you want me to ‘stick around and be faithful.’

    Also, I don’t have a “relationship” with this man.

    I don’t have a relationship with anyone but myself. I am pretty sure he is going to pursue me further.

    I am not here going to worry about him circular dating. I feel triggered by the idea of calling men’s dating circular dating. BTW he could be circular dating for all i know.

    There are plenty of men who have multiple women visiting them in jail and fighting with each other.

    PS and they usually do not marry the woman writing to them. In fact its quite possible they will treat her like crap.

    So I have not really “done the jail thing” much with him in the past, and well he pursued me more. Now that I took a lil step towards him, now he’s acting and pulling and asking for more. AHA. I get it.

    Mary I feel curious what you mean about tell him just what I want him to know… what is that? IE what is NOT what i want him to know out of that…

    I ‘think’ I want him to know all of it, thats why I wrote it, and it turned out long…

    Why do I want to write to him? I guess because I want to express myself to him clearly. I don’t speak so much of my feelings to him (practicing).

    My feelings “died down” about 4 years ago. After he had a baby and I felt angry and thought he couldn’t be the one for me anymore.

    Also I started caring more for myself, rather than create the imaginary relationship thing with men. (which i used to always do)

    I just feel SOO Triggered of the military letters and also the parallel to jail.


  119.  #119Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    AG i feel glad to read what you are sharing, i feel a little offbalance. I don’t feel pushed away. I feel a little scared but good.

    yes it was the answer to the Who’s Going to love him? question that I felt triggered by, I felt triggered imaginig that I was misunderstood that I was actually trying to answer that question, while actually to me it feels rhetorical, not a question I wanted to answer, but rather a description fo the energy and images I felt.

    I felt empathy when I reread with the part that you were resonating with stockholm syndrome on your own thing.

    I felt kinda misunderstood but in a slight way not in an angry way really, that is I wasn’t feeling like vaccuum man and me were having such a vaccum interaction for me personally, and I felt triggered because I saw myself as throwing energy in a vacuum and i didn’t like that image nor do I feel like I’m throwing energy in a vacuum, though I do feel like my energy is pulled, and like a child is pulling on me.

    I feel glad to read what you wrote.

    I feel sad and guilty that I responded in a mostly about me way

    I feel guilty of my self absorption and I love my self absorption and I feel defensive of my self absorption and I love my defensiveness.

  120.  #120Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    Yes if a man is battling to protect me and my family and we have a commitment I would probably wait for him. If i felt supportive of him going.

    But without commitment I am not going to put my life on hold. IT is his choice to leave or not, however noble or dumb. And it is my choice to wait for him or not, however noble or “selfish.”

    And I make my romantic choices for the good of ME only while I am not in a committed relationship i am happy with.

  121.  #121Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Speaking of investing, I used to fantasize that I would be that one woman sending a man care packages while he was in jail or war, and always being there no matter what, etc, writing him and supporting him.



    I now feel like the woman who will ignore a man in jail because well there’s not much he can do for her from in there, and so what the circumstances,

    yes but

    she needs a man to be WIth her.

    That’s why I didn’t use to write or put money on the phone or visit this fool.

    And now I did AND. Now he just asks for more.


    Here’s to leaning back … thank you

  122.  #122Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I feel concerned that I’m COLD. I feel concerned I’m uncaring.

    But I also feel a lil thril

    I may be overbalancing into the other side, but gosh it feels good to be all about me.

    Also like I said, it feels good to know that he’ll actually like me MORE the less I do for him. And that’s what I noticed happenign with him too.

  123.  #123Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I feel sad that the guy who was making text plans to see me didnt get back to me. HE seems like serious guy too.

    I did lean forward and text him a ?

    mostly to ease my own anxiety that he’s waiting for me to tell him im ready.

    But i havent heard from him.

    I feel a lil disappointed and i feel nervous energy running me.

    I feel hungry… and i feel tired… and I feel cooped up…


  124.  #124janjune on December 13, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    “I feel sad and guilty that I responded in a mostly about me way
    I feel guilty of my self absorption and I love my self absorption and I feel defensive of my self absorption and I love my defensiveness.”

    i feel sorrow reading that.
    we’re *supposed* to be working on our *SELF* here on the blog — rori has said over and over she started the blog so we could have a safe place to work through our issues.
    i don’t think you have to feel guilty for responding to what came up in your heart.

  125.  #125Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    I feel not interested in dating! But i feel interested in meeting men!

    i dono watsup.. its probably not that im not interested in dating,

    i just want sexual attention.

    I went on a date the other nite with this guy who is cool and really sweet – too bad he has no car – he took me out to eat (but i drove lol).

    But I noticed he didn’t make sexual comments or do anything sexual, so I felt … not sexually attracted to him.

    I actually thought during the date as we were playing pool…. he could like grab my ass right now or something, that would make our energy more sexual. BUt he didnt do any of those things. i felt dispassionate.

    I want to feel fun and flirted with and sexually and emotionally confident man energy coming towards me.

    And fucking calling me rather than texting too. And following through on plans and calling me if he doesnt hear from me wtf.


    watf. watf.

    I feel dancy energy wtf …. bzzzz. bbzzzzzz… bzzzzz

    i want to go dance but i feel tired of the men at that club ive been too… i feel tired of that energy at that club i should say.

    What do i want?

    I feel blank.

    What would feel good right now?


    What else would feel good right now?

    Dancing at a club with sexy men.

    What else would feel good right now?


    What else would feel good right now?

    Getting a 2000 dollar legit check.

    Waht else would feel good right now?

    some guy tellilng me my ass looks good. or saying damn. or mmm mmm.

    What else would feel good righ tnow?

    opening the window


    hello nite.

    28th of overtone last day of the moon on the synchronic calendar.

    I the Goddess of the Stained Hoodie salute you.

  126.  #126alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    thank you daria. i feel very good to read i did not push you away. i feel good to still be accepted after expressing anger.

  127.  #127Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Janjune! Thank you !!

    Wow that’s sweet and awesome that you said that. It’s awesome because its reaffirming a part of me that knows that.

    But I feel triggered I think since I was little with self absorption. People told me I was too self absorbed.

    And I believe I am. Self absorbed. and Im working on feeling good about that. I love my self absorption. Its Wonderful… yes… its good for me and for the world. Thanks.

    Thank you.

    ok. Its ok to be all about me.

    theis is my floating journal. you are all Goddesses in my floating journal. thanks.

    hehe. yah.

    Yay flower Goddesses!

    AG I love you!

    I felt very non – attacked by what felt like intense anger from you. IT felt disconcerting to feel non attacked by intense anger. Thanks. Im still feeling blinky eyed.

  128.  #128Tina on December 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    “truckman” contacted me online, he said what are you doing? I said im talking to my son, long silence, I asked what he was doing he said , I;m eating a sandwich, long silence, I wait and wait, I feel irritated by this, I said I am available to chat now, and your telling me your eating a sandwich. Anyway we got into a long heated back and forth about what happened last night. I still fee crappy about but yeah we ended with him coming to pick up his truck , he should be here in about 45 mins. He said something about me wanting my cake lol yeah I want my cake, your just not getting any cake , well at least from me. I dont care, fuck him! I am so glad that I am here, Thank you Universe for helping me find this site 🙂

    Alias girl, I really feel sort of the same way about my investment in a relationship. I get way to invested and any slight perceived less than priority feelings, I bolt or try to. In the past I got involved with an abusive man, and I know very well what stolkholm syndromish shit feels like. I would get yelled at ,pushed around for even talking about myself as a priority. I get that “vibe” now from truckman, by him saying I want my cake blah blah blah.

  129.  #129Daria on December 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Whoa weird. AG you just wrote. Um basically what I was talking to you about . hehe. thanks.

    This is cool!!!

  130.  #130Daria on December 13, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Tina I feel triggered by your situation!


  131.  #131janjune on December 13, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    when you get triggered and you reach in and pull out your feelings and lay them out and start shuffling the pieces around, i’m right there following your shuffles because you put into words things I haven’t been able to get ahold of to express, even to myself, but you put words on the feelings and nail the anger and call it by name and just beat the hell out of it, you beat it back, name it, challenge it, threaten it, oppose it, and baby step your way closer to overtaking it and being bigger to it than it is to you.
    You will win.
    i feel you are closer than you think.

  132.  #132janjune on December 13, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Goodnight goddesses.

    love, janjune

  133.  #133Tina on December 13, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I”m not sure how I’ll feel when he comes to pick up his truck lol. I have no one to circular date with now 🙁

    I never asked him to borrow it, he said he will give it to me for my course which isnt even finished, Ill be done this week though well not now lol. god, why why why grrr. I thought that he could go the distance, I thought wow maybe he can do it. He showed such promise. I feel disappointed , sad and lonely.

  134.  #134Tina on December 13, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    I”m not going outside when he comes. I’m not going to talk to him, I cant, I have nothing to say anyway. He’s mean to me 🙁

  135.  #135Tina on December 13, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    I feel so glad for this site and the fact I never slept with him, giving of myself so freely, ew. I have a rule , a 3 month rule no sex for three months so take that haha.

  136.  #136Tina on December 13, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I was driving to town in his truck and thought what a relationship with him would look like, I was starting to feel it, maybe imaginary I dunno.

  137.  #137Daria on December 13, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Tina I feel glad too…

    I feel triggered because I’ve noticed too that at a certain point, men start to show a different side, and I feel concerned that its’ me actually showing a different side, or inviting it, or something, playing the energetic pattern basically.

    Like this man who didnt show up today, he seemed really pretty grounded. So I think I energetically pushed him away about the date. And i feel concerned.

    I feel concerned, well curious and frustrated that I’m energetcially keeping men away from driving to me and dating me.

  138.  #138Daria on December 13, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    yay I forgot all about the ray j show, I am watching it now. matter of fact i am going to make myself edamame and shrimp. And garlic hehe!

  139.  #139Daria on December 13, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    loool i feel so amused when I told the guy in jail on the phone “i feel irritated”

    because i remember a few years back we were in the car and he was telling me “i feel irritated’

    and i felt scared


    thats when he got mad now and said Im talking to him like hes a punk.


    no im not

    i feel irritated

    i felt irritated when he said

    that i should visit him on sunday morning, and that i would do it if i loved him. HA

    can you believe this stuff actually works on girls!??? I Can. but it doesnt work on Goddesses.

  140.  #140Tina on December 13, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Daria, sadly it does work on girls. I would feel irritated to if someone said that to me. If you love me then…
    yeah whatever! Your a Goddess! fuck him! lol

    I feel like I was being sucked in a big hole of no return. He was trying to provoke me, or at least I was holding myself back from responding in a really negative way.

  141.  #141Tina on December 13, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    I feel like Im scraping at the bottom of men pickings. I want my quality of men to shoot up like a thousand fold, like right now. Smoke out the motherfuckers! lol ok that was bad language. I couldnt help it 🙂

  142.  #142alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    i am not home now but wanted to say i feel great love and appreciation for you sirens and thank you. and tina i feel good you are working it out and more men will show up. for certain. and jan june i felt teary when i read your supportive response. and daria you feel so expansivve. i have actually gotten a benefit out of witnessing your self absorption. and well sometimes i take iit personal but i feel that is my problem for focussing on you. 🙂

    i feel great love for being accepted even when i am angry. (yes i can feel intense anger in a second when triggered with the specific trigger) i feel good to read it felt for the most part non attacking. i feel amused by the phrase blinky eyed.

    hey i figured out my life purpose finally. now that i know it i realize why it was so tricky to figure out! hahaha.

  143.  #143alias girl on December 13, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    tina i started practicing expressing my “negative” feelings with men. i believe this helped me raise my quality some. it still feels scary. i told one guy the other day i felt creeped out. that felt really scary.

  144.  #144Daria on December 13, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Alias Girl I feel SOOO Curious what is your life purpose that you figured out???

    i feel soo good that you liked blinky eyed.

  145.  #145Tina on December 13, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    I want to know what Alias girls purpose in life is!!!!!

  146.  #146Tina on December 13, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    No Alias girl, I talking like telling him to fuck right off, go to hell, not in a million years would I consider sleeping with you, you turn me off blak. like really mean spiteful things. Getting really down and dirty, ya know. I cant say it here though 🙂 its not for the sensitive types.

  147.  #147Daria on December 13, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    my dad came to the computer when the blog was open.

    He said when I came up: ‘now you’re writing your relationship problems to people?”

    i felt bad. really bad.

    I felt criticized. I felt sad. I went downstairs and didn’t feel like eating my food. I feel like why do i have to do something to be good enough. Why is everythign I do criticized? Why am I treated like a boy and not a girl?

    So my mom saw me looking sad and asked me whats up. And i told her.

    And then i went upstairs to close my blog windows. And I told my dad: I felt bad when you said that to me. I said it in a small voice.

    He said what what why? What made you feel bad why do you feel bad?

    I felt scared at this point. I said I : I felt bad like I was crticized.

    He said what about waht what are you talkng about?

    I said: I felt criticized, I shrugged my shoulders in my small voice… like nothing I do is good enough

    He said: What DO you do?

    (its a theme in my house that “i do nothing” and that is always an easy put down for me whenever – meaning successful career wise)

    I said: ohh that feels bad too…

    and I left the room and went downstairs

    he said something but i didnt hear it

    I felt scared during the interaction. I felt scared of getting yelled at and possibly getting hit, although my dad hasn’t hit me since I was little, but a few times it seemed like he was about to.

    So it is good for me practicing with the “give me love” guy. This is how I feel with him, too when I feel scared. Same feeling. I am practicing healing this pattern that I have with my dad. And I want to feel safe that my feelings are cherished.

    I still felt bad when I went downstairs. But i felt a lil tiny good that I said my feelings. And the little tiny good grew, like a seed, and sprouted. and i feel good now.

    And i cooked and ate Delicious Food.

  148.  #148Daria on December 13, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Tina I dont feel sensitive!!! I feel curious!

    Embrace that drama queen. Embrace the Bitch Goddess.

    Whats your drama queens name ? Crazy Bitch! Thats right!

  149.  #149Tina on December 13, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    I dont know if his kindness had strings attached, I’m feeling it though. I liked what you said about “investing” I invest when I show the up for a date. He better be talking/chatting with me no brb. He wants to put his cock in my vagina haha, yeah and he’s giving me grief about me saying “fuck the phone” im really pissed off, like fuck you would said you could complain anyway.

  150.  #150Lisa on December 13, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Alias Girl,

    I resonate with what you say. We put energy into the system — the relationship — and we hope for a good purchase. But my problem has been picking the runts of the litter — the needy ones, who must put all of their energy into propping themselves up, and I buy into it, too! Like someone said, there is no room to even discuss ourselves.

    I just saw a great Cesar Milan program (“The Dog Whisperer”) about a once-runty dog who is now huge and become vicious, esp. at the food bowl. If you don’t know Milan, he is an animal behaviorist, and what goes with animals goes with humans, too, oft times. Anyway, his explanation was brilliant.

    This couple had chosen the runt and pitied and indulged him, but the other litter mates knew how to treat him. He was going to have to be a scrapper if he was to survive. Instead of maintaining Alpha position with him, the owners were now the dog’s “butlers”, and he was dissing them as they would not take their rightful place.

    Once they stopped being so tentative and pitying and took the reins, he toned right down. Lesson: We must right value ourselves, if the curs are to behave accordingly 🙂 Not arrogance, just know our excellence, but with grace 🙂

    I just got turned onto Milan this week, at the suggestion of my counselor! She said if you want to understand men, watch him!

  151.  #151Tina on December 13, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    haha Daria , your right, Crazy and I havnt been talking lately.

  152.  #152Daria on December 13, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I feel that I’m either not ready or not worthy of marriage until Im successful businesswise/financially.

    It doesn’t feel good…

    then again I don’t want to have relationship problems over my not feeling secure financially or with myself about finances…

    just throwing it out there.

    I want to be and FEEL financially successful NOW!

    I want to say HAHA you thought i wouldnt do it what the hell you got to say now!
    Ha Im bout to go write my relationship problems to people and Im booking a trip to brazil, and Im still gonna be me and do all my “crazy” me things, doing “nothing” but Im financially free haha!

    And I can pay you back like 30thousand dollars for all the help youve given me through the years HA

    you thought i wouldnt do it, I was too lazy and not focused on the right thing but i got it my way, EASY and FEELING GOOD!

    and Ididnt have to work hard, I had to feel good!

    working hard on feeling good oh boy you know i am.

  153.  #153Daria on December 13, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    hehe That Milan thing sounds Super Interesting!

  154.  #154Tracy on December 14, 2009 at 12:03 am

    I love how you express your feelings.I feel as though you are expressing me or rather explaining some deep aspects of myself…It becomes so clear and i am grateful for that.
    I feel so much resonance with the Stockholm syndrome.The first time i read the post i felt the women were simply insane but looking at myself i realized that i have done the same thing to myself….
    My last relationship was painful and imaginary and for a long time and still up to this moment i still feel connected to this guy…
    I love the way Alias explained it in a previous post…it was completely on point…
    so now i am asking myself why i attract such situations…
    why i love pain,why i choose pain.what is my description of real love..what do i want?
    I feel that the relationships i have had mirror my inability to express my anger and rage and disappointment when i feel it…
    I feel scared of expressing myself because i feel scared of being judged and being left or abandoned…or left alone..

  155.  #155Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:14 am

    No treats for truckman! muzzle time again!

  156.  #156Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Awe, now Im remembering my crazed llasa apso, I had to find a muzzle small enough for his nose, then I fed him treats when he obeyed my commands , through his muzzle. When I first started training him, he had to wear it often, or else he would bite me or chew his leash but god what a cute dog he was, I miss him. He would give me a funny look once in awhile and I would tell him I love you, I would sing to him sniff. He never liked anyone walking around in the dark , he would attack, except for me of course. We would get in some battles. Once in awhile, I would have to yell real loud HEY!

  157.  #157Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:32 am

    My next dog is going to be a pug named Stella 🙂 I have a name for her but I didn’t pick out her color , I’m thinking black and with a white colored collar fur around her neck like a mink stole.

  158.  #158Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:37 am

    I would give him freebies, it got so he would just naturally go to a sit position at my feet for a treat for the freebie 🙂

  159.  #159Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:39 am

    I would have to break him out of his sit position then use hand commands to start over again.

  160.  #160Tina on December 14, 2009 at 12:42 am

    He always wanted to fight big dogs, never the ones his size.
    Truckman is online, the dating site, my profile is hidden he cant find it lol. fck him!

  161.  #161Soignée on December 14, 2009 at 3:20 am

    I know a guy who told me about a woman he dated. He said she is a beautiful woman, has a great body, is nice. But she texts him, calls him, wants him to go out. So in his opinion, she is not worth going out. Because HE has to decide who he spends his time with, he has to decide is he wants to see her, if he wants to call her. He said, if she had not called him, texted him, pushed him, he would have texted her, called her, invited her out.
    This is the truth.

    I used (very long ago) to call men, to chase after them. I was successful at work doing the calls, introducing new initiatives etc. But I was completely not aware of that I could not do it in private life.

    It is true, we give us less value by calling someone, texting someone. We give us so much pain by waiting for his calls, when we are at his mercy.It is incredibly painful to see life pass by when we wait for someone’ s call. We could be involved in some other things, our interest , our being happy. And we wait, wait, and make mistakes, We text, we call and he gets angry, and he thinks we are crazy, and we have lack in self-confidence. Maybe he tells his friend he found (us) a crazy woman who is crazy about him texting, calling him and maybe he laughs at us with his friends because we do not have control of ourselves. We can stop this. Because if he wants to be with us, he will call and text and invite. This is the rule.

  162.  #162Soignée on December 14, 2009 at 3:32 am

    I have to tell you about a recent story. I had an incredible boss. He had to leave to US. I changed the job and my office now is just in front of his.
    So in my eyes I very much liked this man like a person. Not like a man. But he had some interest in me as woman.
    We had a great relationship, I had a lot of fun working with him. But as he was going to leave, I started to text him, call him and wanted to see him before he leaves to say him good-buy.

    It worked out against me. It was me who “chased”him if I can say the word “chase” as I saw him as my boss, not a man. I was the one who initiated the whole texting, calling because maybe I won’t see him again. Maybe never in my life. So it was a painful thougt of me not to see the person I liked as my boss so much.
    But in his mind something switched in the direction”man-woman”. (in my head he was my boss, and for him I was a woman, not a co-worker).
    So he left me only a message in my phone, a great message, beautiful message. But he did not come to see me as the office is only in front of his.
    He saw everybody else of my colleagues. But I was left alone.

    So it worked in his mind in this way.
    It is his problem. But I felt a real pain. Because I liked him as a person, some kind of friend. And he saw me like a woman chasing after him. I cried so much, because he saw everybody else except me. And it was such a nice relationship based on friendship.

    So please ladies, do stop all the calling, texting, useless wasting of time . Stop doing all the pain to yourself. Do not repeat your mistakes and mistakes of someone like me.

  163.  #163Rachel on December 14, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Good morning everyone…

    I am crying AGAIN over this jerk… I wrote some last week about it. I really resonated with this post… I feel that I have invested so much that I just cannot let it go. I haven’t been doing much outwardly, but inwardly, this man still has such a hold on my heart. I HATE THAT!

    So last night, I read all of the comments about military men and not discussing anything big or upsetting right before they deploy. Two weeks ago, I had a huge 1 1/2 hour long phone conversation where I tried to explain my thoughts/feelings with my guy. It was the DAY before his ship sailed. But it was the only chance I would have to talk to him for who knows how long… and he kept asking me to tell him what was on my mind because he could tell I was pulling away.

    I feel awful that I sent him away with all that grief and negativity. I know that our conversation was difficult for him to hear. But then… I’m thinking, which is worse? Me trying to tell him how I feel the day before he leaves or HIM leaving me completely alone for 3 weeks while I was miscarrying his child?

    My head tells me he’s a jerk … incapable of real heart connection. But the rest of me is filled with body and heart memories that keep pulling me toward him. And I am so tired of crying… so tired of hurting.

    I have a new relationship that is goingn well… but I feel like I can’t even enjoy it because of all this residue.

    Thank you all for listening. It helps to just “say” it sometimes. I don’t want to live like this… but i feel like I take a few steps forward and then get knocked back down.

    I basically broke it off with him two weeks ago. I tried to do it in a good/healthy/siren-y way. BUt he hasn’t come after me. That hurts. I thought that he would miss my beautiful, caring, fun presence in his life. And I guess I was wrong.

    I just wish I could stop caring that he doesn’t want me anymore.

    Ok… thanks for listening.

  164.  #164Tracy on December 14, 2009 at 7:43 am

    I feel compassion for what you are going through….
    trust me many of us have been there….
    It does feeling better letting it all out and writing down how we feels helps us heal….
    I have learnt that with time everything works out fine and if i focus in feeling good about myself then i can get into deciding what i can tolerate and what i can’t..what i want and what i don’t want….The past is still there…yes…the memories are there still but i can love and accept them as they are and then focus on doing stuff in the present that feel good for me…that way i heal my past and move to good feeling moments in the present and future…
    What helped me heal really well is to always remind myself that i am responsible for how i feel…all the time..and so i can choose things that make me feel good and thoughts that make me feel better…i can love my pain and disappointments even when they happen that way i feel good about myself…baby steps…

  165.  #165Jennifer on December 14, 2009 at 7:46 am


    I say “AAAYYYYY MEN Sista friend!”
    I was having some trouble with the idea of leaning forward this weekend.
    B went away for the weekend with his buddy. Sunday night he was online as I was online.
    It felt so good to just get up and do something else. It also felt good to put my status to “busy” and use the camera on the laptop to take super cute pics of me and my baby nephew.
    I say screw the calling. Do they wait for a new job to call them? Do they wait for anything they really want to call them?
    No, men are “doers” if they want something they go get it. If they dont’…they don’t.

  166.  #166Linda on December 14, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Hi,.. I have not read the posts here. I did read the main topic.

    Rori I want to tell you thanks. What you wrote to LJ is a wonderful recap of lots of the things I have learned on my journey from my broken heart this time last year.

    The summary of what you told her. The little things that have stuck out to me in the blog and stay fore front in my mind. The comments and help from the great community out here. These have all helped me become a much more aware and healthy single woman.

    Finding the courage to step out of our box, walk away from something that used to be great and isnt anymore, reclaiming and discovering ourselves. It is a step by step process that happens when we make the commitment to honor ourselves and the relationship that we want and need.

    I have taken lots of steps and changed lots of things. I have been knocked down a few times this year. But I am in no means close to the woman I was this time last year. I am stronger, wiser, softer, let myself speak my truth, listen to others on level 2. I understand overfunctioning and realize when I am about to do it. I understand the girl and boy energy thing now. Finding my bridge was a struggle at first but I am on it now.

    I have met with a group of singles a couple of times now, that seem mostly paired up but… I am watching them and their behaviors. The men will play the weaker, needy women. I can spot an insecure, clingy woman, they are all around me. I am always paying attention to how I feel….and then being all thinky after that. There was a man in the group that was really pursuing me… I felt smothered, then when I warmed up to him he cooled off a bit. I have not taken it personally. I dont feel insecure anymore. I would have before.

    As an example… I was with this group this week end for an eveing of cards and board games. I stayed at the hosts home (the man that seemed really interested in me) because I was not road worthy after drinking. I woke up at 7 and went to the bathroom. I felt like leaving, I wished he had initiated conversation for staying and doing something together but he hadnt’ I just looked in the mirror and said…”Linda how do you feel”?…. I felt ambivilent and uninterested in him and his company that day. I could feel myself wanting to lean forward, begin investing in this and instead I decided to get dressed and leave.

    I went and woke him up and told him I was headed home. I had loads to do and thanks for letting me crash until I was road worthy. He seemed surprised but did not argue with me or ask me to stay. He asked me to text him when I got home and I agreed.

    As I drove away, I felt empowered and strong. I did not think about what he was thinking or feeling. I did not let myself follow my old patterns. I did not step off my bridge. I did not wonder why he wasnt pursuing me like he was. I instead payed attention to me and how I am feeling. I did not feel warm, or welcome there or cozy with him like before. So, I will stay on my bridge and protect my steps on it.

    If I had not learned these things, I would be repeating my old patterns and feeling poo this morning about being alone still, but instead of that I am aware that I am alone because I have not met the right man yet. I dont think about how to make a man fit me, but instead I am keeping my focus on keeping myself better and how he will fit me. It is a totally freeing 180 turn around for me. Learning the tools but keeping them in place and adopting them as the “new” frame of mind is the phase I am in….

    I identfy with so many goddesses out here. I can see women around me doing it wrong and I feel badly for them. The best thing is, I can identfy when I could slip up and fall back into the “old” me…. I didnot like her very much.


  167.  #167Nikita on December 14, 2009 at 9:03 am


    yay!!!!! I FEEL SO VINDICATED!!! I’ve been telling my friends for years to watch the dog whisperer…..it is so about men….how present they are….and how our energy shifts affect them instantly//

    My cousin and I had dinner (she’s married) and she said how right I was about Cesar Milan and how it can teach us sooooo much about relationships……….

    yay……now that your counselor said it- I feel so relaxed and like I’m not so “far out there mentally ” as I may seem 😉


  168.  #168Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Hello all, and Rachel and Daria in particular:

    I was walking out the door last night and Daria was posting that she was getting ready to mail her letter. When I first read the letter, I felt a lot of different things, so numerous that I decided to write the little bridge scenario about the entire situation she described, instead of addressing all of my separate feelings about only the letter. Then other people started chiming in, and it was a busy day, so I didn’t go back to the letter.

    I was rushed last night, but I found the email about the military men, just to put out there for consideration. It wasn’t a recommendation or a suggestion or even a hint; it was just information to consider. I love information!

    It seems that you two have had some feeling reactions to it, which is always so great! I agree with Rori that feelings are part of the compass we care around with us. So your feelings are giving you internal messages about how to process the information. I just wanted to clarify that there was no agenda for posting that stuff. It was just interesting to consider.

  169.  #169Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:51 am


    It sounded like you were asking for opinions about whether or not you should send the letter. Are you still soliciting for opinions? If not, please disregard…

    If so, my opinion is that shorter is always sweeter! Not just your letter, but any letter. Something said succinctly usually carries with it a lot of ooomph and emphasis. Especially if there is any negative content. I know that when someone is giving me feeling messages, especially if they’re hard to hear, I can understand what they’re saying immediately, because I’m usually so hard on myself. If they go on and on, I begin to tune them out and sometimes I become defensive.

    But if someone says just one or two things, I think about those things all day. Especially if they’re negative, and if they have a ring of truth. And this guy has nothing but time. If you want to get him thinking, just say a few things! If you make them clear as a bell, he might be able to hear you.

  170.  #170DocK on December 14, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Just getting to read this post but wanted to respond to question from Daria…

    The class “jiggle it and wiggle it” is taught in NYC at Exotic Dance Central. It is a riot! All hip and butt jiggling and wiggling and popping LOL

    I am sure they have something like it in San Francisco : )

  171.  #171Lisa on December 14, 2009 at 11:23 am


    Glad we’re on the same page! Cesar is most enlightening. We are all animals, and as he says, it is all about having correct energy. (Truth is, he is re-educating the owners moreso than the dogs.) The dogs just need to be treated correctly, and have good behavior modeled for them. Then they click right to 🙂


    I, too, thought I needed the right job/right finances before doing things. Then, many years ago, I just decided to travel, even though I didn’t think I’d earned it, or had a right to be so frivolous. But it was the best thing for me. It is in line with what Rori says about shaking things up. As long as the changes are for the good, this is always a good technique.

    The old ways are always there, but I think we often find new ways are better, happier or more productive.

  172.  #172gina on December 14, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I have been almost resisting this website ever since I read Rori’s words about how if we are truly rockstars then she won’t see us on here at all. So, I thought “Ima go be a rockstar!” And lately I do feel pretty rockstar. I like that there are many men pursuing me. I like that I told johnny that I “don’t wish to speak to him anymore” (woo hoo!) I like that I have gone out with a couple of very wealthy men lately, and one of them is trying to nail me down for exclusivity and commitment, and I’ve been speaking my truth more comfortably with him than any other man. Cause it’s easy – he’s pursuing me so fast and furious that I’m like whoa, take it easy, Tiger. All the pressure I feel from him to really be in a committed relationship and start a family and be together forever and love the hell out of each other, makes me really appreciate my freedom. I’m getting a clearer vision of my future married life, and it looks good – but I know that I’ll look back on all this FREEDOM that I have, and I’ll love it. So I can love it NOW. easily. I really do love it. I love going out and not having anyone to worry about or answer to but me. I feel free of the urge to feel pain. Oh – what’s helped me the most lately has been feeling passion, and developing and sharing my “gifts.” I’ve been singing my heart out lately, and love it. I dunno – right now, I can only do it to Kelly Clarkson’s “Already Gone”, and I intend to sing my heart out on stage. I’ll experiment with Karaoke first, and then, I’m tellin you, I’ll find a way to sing my heart out in front of huge audiences….I can’t wait!!
    It felt good to read this article and be reminded of what I don’t want in a man (boy). And it feels so good to read what you women have to say. I really appreciated what AG had to say up there about speaking truth. I could feel you working through so much stuff, and it was awesome to witness you using your truth as a vehicle to take you to a better experience. It was theraputic to read – I can imagine that it must have been exhilerating to do. Lotsa love to all you Goddesses!

  173.  #173alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 11:35 am

    i like what mary said about keeping it short. that feels right on to me.

    underneath my defensiveness is fear. with all people but right now i am speaking in regards to men. i feel my fear right now and it feels like pouty lip. yae for circular dating and free therapy!

    yae jennifer for leaning back and finding something else fun to do!

    Soignée thank you for sharing what you wrote.

    tracy i feel good to read your question of what is real love for you and what do you want. i feel interested in your answers.

  174.  #174DocK on December 14, 2009 at 11:55 am

    So tough post for me. I commented about a past relationship in the original thread that included LJ’s comment.

    I have a hard time with understanding this “connection” I (we) feel with someone that is not treating us as special. My rational boy mind can’t wrap myself around it. Even knowing my insecurities so well, I can’t understand how they could be so base as to have tolerated some of what I have taken – I am so strong in so many other ways.

    For me, I think some of it comes down to the beginning wonderful start of a relationship. The guy that I mentioned that I worked with that was so mean as to try to get me fired – in the beginning – I would have said that if any man was going to love me to the end of time it would be him. He was very loving and attentive.

    He was also still legally married (with papers filed) but when ex (pending) threatened some financial stuff – he went back. That was the beginning of the change in him. He seemed to think that I should have been understanding and continued with him (on the side) – it was all about him and what he felt he needed to do to protect himself and I should just go along with it.

    For some time – he and I did actually interact as friends as well. I mentioned I had no family near me and no new friends. I felt isolated. Eventually, he got angrier and meaner, I suppose, because I wouldn’t continue to be his lover.

    It is interesting how we women explain away the behavior of our men. He had told me that when he was about 4 years old – he witnessed his friend across the street get run over. The little boy was playing outside and S was looking out the window and saw the boy’s family member run him over with vehicle.

    As horrible and tragic as this is – and someone should have gotten S some counseling over the years – this may expain his need for control and strong reaction to lack of it – but it doesn’t mean that I should excuse abusive treatment from him or tolerate it – get help!!

    I needed help to! I would tell him off and think I was such a “big girl” because I had my say but he would just sit there and listen and he knew it would die down and I would still be his friend.

    The bottom line really is this – when we say that behavior is “unacceptable” we have to mean it by walking away or refusing to engage with this person in ANY way (if working together – the only thing you can do is be professional but nothing additional outside of that). If behavior IS unacceptable and we stick around – we are, in fact, still accepting it!! No matter what our words say – our actions speak louder – and the person just continues the abuse.

  175.  #175DocK on December 14, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    So I guess, in summary, I think it is that there was something that was “right” in the beginning and that is what so many of us hang on to. We don’t understand what happened and we keep thinking that there is something we can do to make it go back to the way it was. We hung our hearts on this guy too quickly – we “invested” in him emotionally and maybe even with dreams and hopes of something “real.”

    and then there is that big scary feeling – FEAR- fear of going back to no date Saturdays. Fear of the clumsiness and frustration of trying to meet someone. Fear that nobody else will want us. Fear that it is something within us we haven’t “fixed” yet or he would want us and that he will find someone else who is FANTASTIC while we are alone. Fear that there aren’t any good guys out there.

    A friend has been with a married man for a decade and a half and always offers the argument that men are “all the same.” Think about it – if she actually believes that there are some good guys out there – then that means she should believe in – and accept – something better – meaning to walk away from this guy she is “with.” If she acknowledges the presence of good guys and stays – then she has to look within and ask herself why she would accept staying in this situation – she might not like the answers.

    We women buy into a lot of crap too – we are “too old” at a certain age to find someone. We aren’t models or playboy centerfolds. Doesn’t matter how many beautiful women are cheated on – so many of us think if we were just prettier – life would be easy.

    Men are “great catches” and we are “ball and chain.” We should be lucky that the guy smiled at us.

    I am happy that in this place – we get to know that we are sirens and that men are lucky to find us. We do want to be good to men – but not at our own expense – that is what we figure out here – in baby steps.

  176.  #176alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    i just emailed an inquiry to a potential “dream coach”. i feel yikes.

  177.  #177alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    thank you docK. i resonated and felt very interested in what you wrote. i feel so much healing on this blog. i feel very very good about that.

  178.  #178alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    i feel myself blaming myself for a man’s change in behavior. if he came on strong then what did i do to change that. but then as i was reading what you wrote and just contemplating my self blame i realized my situation was similar.

    yes my EX came on very strong. with lies though. and i thought my dream man had finally showed up. and i INVESTED in him as if he were my dream come true. i mean outwardly i did not let him on to this but inside i was sort of jumping up and down and saying yae i think it’s him!

    and then came the truth. he was not available etc etc etc. and there is A LOT of ETC.

    but i still have the first burned image of how he treated me and the words he said and how i bought into believing what i really really wanted to be happening.

    if i had taken more time and been circular dating i could have really been more clear and not so invested in a fantasy based way and it just wouldn’t have worked out the way it did. i’m not sorry for it. and i’m not beating myself up for it. i feel happy it all happened.

    and i also feel happy i have new tools and ways of being and perspectives and much much much more self love.


  179.  #179alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    hahahahahh HAH! I EMAILED A DREAM COACH!

    I FEEL SCARED! and excited. and scared.

  180.  #180Jennifer on December 14, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    What’s a dream coach?
    I just got the most amazing email from my hair dresser. She wished me a merry christmas and told me she thinks I ‘m beautiful and someday the right man will do everything in his power to keep me.
    I feel good about that!
    I was feeling anxious earlier.
    B is in town now and hasn’t contacted me. I overspent a little (oops) and now I feel anxious about money. The kid I work with is getting sicker and sicker and this means he is not going to school as much.
    Which means fewer hours for me.
    I have applied for a new job at the local air base at the medical center. Contracted for 40 hours plus benefits. DND employees get GREAT benefits!
    I feel so nervous that I won’t get the job
    I feel so nervous that I will!
    Nobody has contacted me on EHarmony and I cannot afford to sign up for three months for $134 right now.

    I love my anxiety. I love my fear. I love feeling edgy and nervous and twitchy and pouty and needy.

  181.  #181gina on December 14, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    I feel scared to say this…but Daria, when i read your letter, I was thinking that the manner in which you were speaking was beneath your actual intelligence and capacity to express yourself. Like you were making yourself smaller in order to attract this man, who doesn’t seem to be stepping up. But I wonder if I’m judging the “style” of your communication. i know that you’re super creative and incredibly articulate, so maybe you’re just expressing yourself in a way that is specific to your particular relationship with him. But I wonder if this man knows what an incredible poet you are. I just sense that if you were to share the full power of your ability to communicate, that you would blow this man’s mind, and it would become clear to both of you that he HAS to step up in order to keep access to your beautiful mind. The way you were communicating seems “at his level” to me. I dunno. That was the massive thought in my head when I read your letter, so I thought I would share in case it’s helpful to you at all. What do you think?

  182.  #182Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I’m trying to get through the posts and less than halfway there. Ya’ll are writing up a storm! 🙂

    Daria: I feel curious about the tone in your letter. The words you wrote in the letter feel very different than how you write here. I guess I felt surprised by the words you chose (more slang?) because that didn’t feel like Daria to me. My only other thought about the letter is that I felt confused, wondering what you wanted to get from sending the letter. Basically I’m reading that you like him but he’s not giving energy to you and that doesn’t feel good. If you’ve answered this already, then forgive me. Still reading.

    Be back soon Sirens! I’ve been feeling under the weather and having a hard time keeping up.

  183.  #183Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Haha – just caught Gina’s post when mine posted. I think we’re saying kind of the same thing about Daria’s letter. Interesting. Okay, gotta take some meds and nap. Back later.

  184.  #184Linda on December 14, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Rori said that we are surround by men that would jump at the chance to give up their singleness for a chance to be with us. hmmmm where are they? lol

    I am curious, this boggles my mind,… Why is it that men come in to your life, they are rowing, planning, pursuing, communicating… then they stop. This last guy… came on on strong that I felt he was trying to monopolized my time. I felt smothered and unsure. I felt leary of his genuiness. I asked him to pursue a friendship, get to know one another, let my get my barrings, he agreed and said he was different and for me to give him a chance. I did, and now he is barely communicating. He certainly is not making me a priority and he did one thing that totally offened me and I felt majorly disrespected.

    Now that I think of it. I dont think he “fits” for me. He acts like he wants some exclusivity with me in front of other singles in the group I have been doing things with, but alone he is a unattentive cold fish. He is just behaving so differently than at first. That is ok, I am watching it all and keeping my feet on the bridge.

    Why do guys to this? “we are not dating or exclusive” but he made noise that he wanted that in the beginning, when when I warmed up and enjoyed the attentions, he cooled off. Why do guys to this crap?

    I am focusing on how I feel and not investing energy into him …. I guess my question is generic, Why do this stuff. Dont they know that it hurts their credibility?

    Any ideas anyone?


  185.  #185alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    jennifer there are free sites like plentyoffish.com and ok cupid and others.

    just for practicing.

    a dream coach is just something i made up but it is a coach who will help me sort out my vision for my life and then assist me in manifesting it.

  186.  #186alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    i hope you feel better simply shannon.

    i feel similar to what gina and simply shannon said about the tone in the letter but hadn’t known how to put it into words.

  187.  #187Tracy on December 14, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Thanks for sharing….your post felt great to read…

  188.  #188Jennifer on December 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    AG…*sigh* I looked on Plentyoffish in my area and it scared the holy hannah outta me.
    The men just looked so…….not quality.
    I’m thinking about trying anyway in the new year just for the practice.
    One of my good friends is like a profile writing GENIUS!
    She’s promised to help me not look like a gomer.

  189.  #189LJ- on December 14, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Thank You so much for your post Rori. I only had access to a computer today and just got to reading this. I was amazed on how many responses. I’m going to read through your post thoroughly and read the other posts. I will write back here later. Thank You so much for addressing my situation. It means so much!

  190.  #190gina on December 14, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Somethin funny and interesting…
    G (the rich guy who wants me to scrub his floors…hahaha!) wanted to set a date with me. Was supposed to happen last night, but he texted that his flight back from the Honduras was running late cause of fog, so i let him know that I would prefer to reschedule rather than wait around for him. he asked when, I said Tuesday. But he wasn’t satisfied with my 7:30ish availability (he’s gotta be up at 5am and wants to have more time to be with me before he goes to bed). He asked for wednesday, but I’m not available. I said that I could clear out tonight for him if that works. He went ahead and canceled his plans for this evening so he could see me, and he asked what time I’m free. I said 3pm. He said that he’d get back to me about what time. Then couple of hours past, and I texted “feeling impatient about the plan…” and he texted “cute…6:30 okay” and I feel so amused. It felt good to be honest and say that I feel impatient rather than tip toe on eggshells like I was doing with Johnny. and he said “cute” ?!! This feels so different and fun.

  191.  #191alias girl on December 14, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    jennifer. i feel defeated and hopeless reading that.

  192.  #192Flipper on December 14, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    I’m going to my singing lesson tomorrow….err, todya

  193.  #193Rori Raye on December 14, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Oh – Gina – how great you’re doing!!! Truth is – THIS is what is meant by cute and clever and smart – just plain-ole straight talk from the heart. Love, Rori

  194.  #194Jennifer on December 14, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    AG…me too.

  195.  #195Flipper on December 14, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    err, today actually. I’m going in order to feel good, and learning to sing is a bonus. I already got a great upper finding out that I can carry a tune, (a lot of other people were wrong, grrrr). There are lots of moving and breathing exercises (those fit well with the Albright post), then resonating up and down the scale, but we don’t learn to read music (I’m not interested in that anyway). Also, there’s no instrumental accompaniment, but I think a piano would be helpful, and even some pop musicians use pianos to work out their music . My teacher’s own repertoire is mostly medieval, Renaissance and folk music, but she had classical training. The first song we sang was ‘Vive l’Amour’ – that felt like great sign;

  196.  #196Flipper on December 14, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Also, Gina I loved what you said to Johnny. Gonna glom onto ‘I was feeling in the dark’ for my own use – that sounds like it’s expressing my feeling well whereas ‘I felt ignored’ feels blaming.

  197.  #197Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Dock –

    Hey thank you about the jiggle it wiggle it info.

    Dang! I feel jealous, I don’t know where to find this kinda thing in SF! I would be RIGHT THERE!

    Lol I have a very curious question: M… can ladies with not such big wigglers still do the clapping described in the class outline? LOL. I always thought it was a size thing, but then again I thought I saw evidence otherwise…
    Pls enlighten!!!

  198.  #198Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Hey … you guys I do feel triggered about the ‘tone’ thing.

    Truth is that letter came straight from me, and the voice in my head at that moment.

    I have lots of voices and they all have different ways of sounding.

    I love my voice and I feel awful to have it judged beneath me. It IS part of me!

    As far as addressing to him, thats how the voice came raw and uncut.

    I have a gift (I struggled with and now accepted) of effortlessly – and sometimes without meaning to – adjusting my communication to rapport with the person I am speaking with.

    That means I will even speak back with a touch of their accent if they have one, etc!

    I feel vulnerable about it. I used to judge myself that I was being “fake” , but later realized what I was being was real. It’s the way I communicate, and its natural to me and I feel like I can relate to people easily.

    Maybe I learned it since English is not my first language. People who know me would probably think I sound “not like Daria” if I were to speak to them the way I write on this blog. … Let alone that with my family I speak in Romanian…

    different languages even bring out different parts of my personality!

    This is actually not so strange, but rather widespread, but for me it’s pretty strong and I view it as a gift.

    Ps – I feel triggered because it reminds me of one of my friend’s exes who said once to me>

    “Hey you’re so educated, and you sound so Ghetto!! Why do you want to sound so dumb!”

    Oh I felt OUTRAGED…. Hello sounding Ghetto, is not DUMB , dumbass! Judging people on the language and dialect they use and thinking one is superior to another can be!!!

    I also reread my letter now without tapping into “the voice” that said it, and it does have a different feel to it than what I’m used to writing here. I guess it is because it’s addressed to a different audience, or maybe because this voice felt very angry and said what it said (it used feeling messages too) but not exclusively sticking to the no YOU rule.

    I felt ANGRY, and maybe here my feeling angry has been expressed differently because its an online blog rather than someone physically present in my life I know.

    I don’t know.

    I do see how it sounds different.

    I felt really attached to it, because it poured right out and was kinda raw and uncut.

    But now that I have released that strong emotion, maybe it doesn’t have a Depth to it it could have.

    And it does feel draining, circular, and I felt kinda hopeless, and it carries that.

    I now feel undecided about it.


    I may try to rewrite a feelings based only letter. Or i may send this one which I feel protective of. There there letter. IT’s ok to have your voice I love you. Thank you. I feel PROUD of you.

    I feel angry to feel judged and triggered! GRRRRRR.

    I feel glad to be triggered! I feel powerful! I feel glad I’m embracing this part of me.

    I think people will judge me when talking slang, or being anything else than their ideaa of what they think of me, or what is socially acceptable to me. And i love my insecurity that I am feeling much better and more secure about now.

    I feel angry that OTHER PEOPLE are judged on the way they talk as being LESS THAN others. THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO ANGRRRY… GRRRRRRRRRR… I love my anger.

    Lol this way of talking I am very good at and feel energized and comfortable talking this way. Just wait till you hear rapping Goddess. lol.

    I feel afraid . hehe. I feel like I will develop my counterculture underground talents separately, like I have been doing forever and a day. BUT I also feel ready to release them in the open. In the world, and let everything flow thank youuuuu.

    I will come out of the hidden secret bassement dressed like a pirate and doing my swashbuckling swearing and shocking speechmaking. hehe…

    Pirate Goddess

    Did you know I was a secret pirate?

    I am Robin Hoodie Goddess. Yum yum. YUmmy Goddess…

    I feeeeeeeeeeeeeel like I want to say something MORRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

    or myabe i jsut want to press a key down, liek the rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    yes that felt good … my wrist and index finger are feeling like pressing down HARD… And i love hte pressure in my wrist and index finger.

  199.  #199Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Ps I feel glad for all the Goddesses responding to me about it!! Thank ffffffffffffffffyou ladies.

    (oops I meant thank you not ffffffyou – I really did)
    I feeel so pressury in my index finger. WHAT IS THAT???
    I love my not knowingness, pressure and desire to press something with my index finger.

  200.  #200Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    I jsut did another session with the LEfkoe lady and I feel good!

    I think I eliminated Im powerless, Other people know better than I do, and I can’t trust myself.

    No wonder I Ffeeel FUCKIN GOOD

    ANd I Keep wanting to cuss!1 Thats what the fuck is going on with my index finger wow!


    aaah it feels fun as FUCK!!


    now thats the DAria I KNOW lol



    everythime I write FUCK IM getting like some kinda orgasmic thrrrrrrrrilll

    sorry ladies

    im thinkim gonna fuckin enjoy this while i can . FUCK!

  201.  #201Flipper on December 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Brain moment: actually they’ve found in linguistic studies that women quite commonly adjust their language to the person they’re interacting with, and it is generally the higher status, more intelligent woman who tries to even things out by lowering her own capacities and encouraging the other to raise theirs.

  202.  #202Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    I definitely feel like Im more intelligent, because he thinks of himself as stupid. HE is also younger.

    But he knows how to take “be about himself” better and how to be powerful presence with people.

  203.  #203Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Also I have the sense that he is sharper, ie more crafty or sly.

    or in a negative slang way, more Shady.

    I would like to have that sly quality. I do. I want to shift my belief that I am foolish with people and get taken advantage of and laughed at and .

    I can shift that belief because I am the creatrix of my life!

    I have that feeling often in my past. I know where it comes from and such.

    It comes from the little girl little gypsy girl but anyways I feel jealous of it a lil bit.

    Cuz we were supposed to trade Chiclets ME for Stickers HER and I gave her my chiclets but she didnt give me stickers.

    I feel angry now and humiliated. I Love my feelings. I tfeels intense.

    BTW chiclets and stickers were in Romania a luxury item that people did not have day to day at all. They were brought out the country and you got them for christmas and many people had never had even seen them. (chiclets and glittery stickers)

    we did have tattoo like stickers that stuck permanently and couldnt be removed, just difficultly rubbed off. But these were high quality tiny glittery pandas from out the country.

  204.  #204Daria on December 14, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Also my mom used to get very suspicious of my friends and say

    You are so stupid. Can’t u see they are using you. Everyone is laughing at you.

    What a fool you are!!

    aww i feel bad and I give myself a hug in those times all of them

    I also allow this index finger energy to energize my whole body in a way that feels good.

  205.  #205Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    So still reading but here’s a few more comments…

    Daria: I feel glad that you felt triggered and that enabled you to share where you were coming from. I felt confused because it didn’t sound like the Daria I know but I only know you from what you write here. I understand speaking to different folks differently, and I understand the written word sounds a lot different than how we speak to people. That made sense to me. Thank you for saying what you felt about it!

    Alias Girl: I felt such agreement with the “what used to turn me on” comments you made. I do this too! If a guy treats me not so goddess like, a part of me likes that at first. I have a similar issue with my dad, completely standoffish, never abusive but I never knew he loved me until I went away to school (long story). I always had to do stuff to feel like my dad was proud of me. I’ve modeled most of my relationships that way. Blech. And when you wrote my name (about our conflict, which didn’t feel that way to me, just talking) and then you said “all these people I care for”, I felt glad. I felt happy that you feel that way towards me AG, because I feel that way towards you. And I’m not writing that to sound cheesy. I mean it. I sense these walls sometimes in your posts, and I want them down damnit! 🙂 And please know that I know you have to do what feels good and safe for you. I do not want to push you towards a place you do not want to go. Nor do I want to pick at the scab and make things worse for you. We’re all going through baby steps here and conquering our fears. I feel so proud that you are standing up for you!

    Gina: Woohoo on the response to Johnny!

    Dock: Hammer meets nail. You are dead-on sista! If it’s unacceptable and we still stay, we are accepting it. Yep. I completely agree that I used to hang on in the “hope” that things would go back to being the same. A lot of this I attribute to the fact that my goal was always to date and become someone’s girlfriend. Instead of taking my time and going out with lots of men, I rushed to get one man, which was easier at first, and more manageable than dating lots of men. Now that I’m circular dating, I don’t have that same problem. One guy does something that feels irritating and I just go out with someone else. No need to “hope” about that one man. No need to make up imaginary relationships with any guy. This is especially true for me since I used to be in a “relationship” quickly, i.e. within a month or two. How can I possibly know someone is really who they are that soon? True colors don’t start to show until much later. Now it feels good to take my time before I invest my emotions.

    Mary: I got that same email from Mimi and it hella triggered me! No way am I sitting around waiting for a man. I don’t care if he’s in the military or not. I actually went to Mimi’s blog and wrote back to her. (it’s viewable on her blog. she commented and I wrote back again.) I felt icky reading all those comments from women who are military wives and girlfriends advising the original poster not to speak her truth just because HE was choosing to go to war. Uh no. I feel a very strong NOOOOO.

  206.  #206Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    Gina: Hey Rockstar! How did the date go with G? Spill it sista. 🙂

  207.  #207Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Linda: “I can see women around me doing it wrong and I feel badly for them. The best thing is, I can identfy when I could slip up and fall back into the “old” me…. I did not like her very much.” This is sooo me! Sometimes when I see things that women write on men’s Facebook pages or comments or whatever, and I feel like shaking them and saying “What are you doing?” ala, Rori Raye. 🙂 I may still be without a man, but *I* am so much happier now! My happiness is no longer dependent on finding a man and that alone is worth the price of admission!

    Rachel: I totally missed your post about miscarrying. Did you write that before? I feel awful hearing that! As someone who has had two miscarriages, I remember all too well that pain. Unless someone has had one, they can’t possibly understand. This is particularly true of men because they generally don’t identify with a baby until it’s born. (((HUGS))) I feel good that you talked to him before he left. I felt very strongly against those emails from Mimi Tanner about the military. Speaking your truth is the most important thing. No waiting. (((HUGS))) I feel such compassion. You’re already going through something incredibly difficult, AND you have to deal with your guy leaving. Ugh. That feels awful. I feel proud of you that you are circular dating and seeing another man. Circular dating literally saved me. It brought me out of my self conscious, self doubting shell. Keep taking baby steps. We’re here.

    Daria: I feel proud of you for taking baby steps with your dad!!

    Tina: Did Truckman come pick up the truck?

  208.  #208Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Ok – random comments from the peanut gallery…

    1. I feel very disconnected from real life conversations. Texting and emailing (even posting here) feels impersonal. It’s so easy to have written words get misconstrued without the context of voice inflection and/or facial expression. I’m also noticing there are things I wouldn’t say in person, that somehow feel easier to say by text/email. Maybe I’m harsher with my written words than I should be. Why is that? Why do I feel safer back behind my laptop or cellphone? I feel annoyed by this lately. Both giving and receiving electronic words. Blah, blah, blah.

    2. I want to buy the world a Coke. 🙂

    3. I feel a little tired lately of first dates. I would like to invite available, secure, hot men into my rotation. I’ve got one solid but I need a few more. I’m taking applications (lol!) but so far, just the one. And not to kick a gift horse in the mouth, I could go on first dates for freakin’ ever. I’m already booked through Christmas, but only the one solid is a repeat. All the rest are first dates. Argh!

    Okay, good night sweet Sirens! Still feeling under the weather. Shannon
    p.s. Thank you AG for the kind words! I almost forgot to write that!

  209.  #209Tara on December 14, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    DocK and alias girl:
    Thank you for those comments! They weren’t directed to me especially, but they were so dead-on and so perfect. When I read them, things became so clear. Your insight is a gift. 🙂


  210.  #210Daria on December 14, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Shannon you are the Circular Dating Goddess!

  211.  #211Daria on December 14, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    I feel sad a lil.

    I just texted a nice man (dispassionate feeling with him).

    He wants me to go dancing with him near his house. He is purusing me and has taken me out to eat, when I was there in that town but i drove. Also a time a whiles ago I drove there, another time he must have had a car and was in my town, and I met him at a pool place in my town. He seems genuinely nice.


    I said it feels good spending time with you and I dont want to drive to men

    He says oh. well Hmmm well im open to suggestions. But its really lup to you. But if you want to spend time with me you need to know that Im in a certain place in life right now. And it wont last but There’s not a lot I can do about it rgiht now.

    Now this man has his own consulting business and he seems smart and enterprising. So he probably has some debt i think that he mentioned.


    I dont want to drive to men.

    So I said Oh that feels sad. I feel guilty but I dont want to drive to men. I feel open to you flying here or finding some other way to get to me =)

    Lol. I feel amused at myself but I also feel worried… mmmmm this is a good guy… I feel worried Im going to be seen as selfish and insensitive and not quality good woman material. But I LOVE MMY FEARS.

    THank you.

    ok he says

    We’ll see.

    Yes we will.

  212.  #212Daria on December 14, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    UGh. so like over one year later I still feel uncomfortable about this men driving to me thing

    Whats the Message?

    Also… I was feeling like going dancing to that place he invited me, on my own (maybe – was gonna try to do the go on my own thing)…

    But i feel embarassed to see him there, Cuz I feel uncomfortable now. ICK!

  213.  #213Simply Shannon on December 14, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Daria: I feel uncomfortable driving to men too. Maybe for the 1st few dates I’ll drive to meet a man (so he doesn’t know where I live) but after that I would feel very weird if a man expected me to drive to him. If a man asked me to meet him somewhere, I might do it every once in awhile (only if it was super convenient) but that would be a rare occurrence.

    I dunno. It doesn’t feel romantic or like a date if I just show up somewhere to meet a man. It feels casual, like a meet up with friends.

    I feel curious if the men you are talking to live near you. I actually feel uncomfortable with long distance relationships for this very reason. Somebody is always gonna have to drive, and I don’t want it to be me.

    I feel bad that you are having to deal with the driving issue but I feel proud of you for standing by this boundary. It’s not selfish to me!

  214.  #214Daria on December 14, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Thanks Shannon. That’s exactly how I feel. Unromantic.

    I live in a small residential town. BUT in a big populated area… SF Bay area…

    public transportation is not really available to my town, not there is anything to do here. There is nothing to do here actually, but the next town over, where I go meet men is only 5 min from here (basically same town).

    BUT. I seem to meet men with some driving issues. No car, no license, too many bored police officers racially profiling people etc. etc.


    i just got a dui!

    I have 3 cars but my license is suspended

    my car is in the shop

    I dont have a car

    I have a car but I broke my leg (just kidding – but you get the picture)

    its getting to be ODD!!!

    actually it got to be odd about a year ago

    now I feel determined to release this energetic thing i have keeping men from driving to me! hehe

    I feel glad you said that unromantic thing , because that’s how I feel. If i WERE to go to that bar tonite and run into him, then I know its because its unromantic that i turned it down. And that feels secure, even though i feel guilty and uncomfortabler cuz a part of me is saying he thinks im Rejecting him and being a non-understanding demanding queen.

    hmm. maybe non-understanding demanding queen is not so bad. hehe.

  215.  #215Daria on December 14, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Alias Girl inspired me with Dating myself. I could totally date myself at a bar! Why n ot!

    i could get myself a Corona and sip and enjoy my date. Or I could get myself a glass of hot water with lemon. mmm

    my Boy is looking for a different monday nite bar to take my girl

  216.  #216Daria on December 14, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Go Shannon for hte comment on Mimi Tanner’s blog!

    I feel tightened up at the comments I was reading!

    I felt like YEAH! wHen i read y ours awesome

  217.  #217Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    daria, are you from romania? i think that’s so cool.

  218.  #218Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    shannon, i could use a coke right now. mmmmmmm, yes! i could. it would sizzle itself down my throat and burn it in a good way.

  219.  #219Daria on December 14, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    HI Mary! yes! I feel smily that you think it’s cool


  220.  #220Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    do you have a beautiful romanian accent?

  221.  #221Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    it’s snowing and now i’m really wanting a coke

  222.  #222Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    i’m gonna have orange juice and gingerale and orange and spice bigelow tea in a punch together. yum.

  223.  #223Daria on December 14, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    I do have a lil accent yes. hehe. love it.

    I remember when I didn’t want it…

    then my cousin came to live here for 2 years and I loved hers… I felt sad mine was gone!

    but its really not!



  224.  #224Daria on December 14, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Mary that tea sounds good

  225.  #225Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    daria, i’m just wondering what you ever did about the letter. did you send it?

  226.  #226Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    i love those european accents. soooooooo beautiful!

  227.  #227Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    well, i’d rather have a coke, but really, i stopped drinking them last march. better to have my gingerale orange tea.

  228.  #228Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    so i’m sort of slipping and sliding into a relationship with my ex and i kinda wanted to be out there just meeting people and socializing. i mean, i wanted to marry him, and was engaged to him, but he wanted to be single and dating other women. so he’s back to me. so that makes me feel like second best, or something, and it make me wonder how long it might last.

    but i LOVE being with him. he surprises me! we go on little one-day car trips! we go here and there. we go play pool. he’s always full of things to do. and plans. and he drives. and he pays. he rows the boat. bigtime. i LOVE it. i LOVE him. he’s handsome and caring and this and that, and i’m crazy in love with him.

    but… my family doesn’t like him. my friends don’t like him. if i married him, no one would be happy for me! because i was in so much pain when we broke up. and we broke up over and over again.

    why would it be different this time?

    am i kidding myself?

    i sort of already gave him the speech. he’s being very sneaky and not commenting, just continuing to ask me out, and he’s a realtor and he showed me a house the other day, with innuendos about us living there together.
    and he’s always talking about “if we DID get married…” etc., and he didn’t even say that stuff when we were engaged…

    i’m very confused.

    that’s why i’m going out of town, but i just looked at the weather report and it’s supposed to be snowing there. i’m afraid i won’t be able to get back here for christmas, and i need to do that. so i might not go.

    the other guy i was dating was out of town, but he came in today. he’s not calling me at the moment because he thinks i broke up with him. he’s gonna date other women, too. he thinks i should come his way more. he has a lot of feminine energy and i don’t like it.

  229.  #229Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    what do you think?

  230.  #230Daria on December 14, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    Hey! heres something cool that starts off with sinking in our feelings and I feel glad and innerly excited about in my (just now) experience


  231.  #231Mary on December 14, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    i kinda wanted it to be lighthearted for a while instead of deep and sexy and steamy and dramatic.

    i don’t know how to get from where i am to a more upbeat, fun and an “i’m just dating now” scenario.

  232.  #232Daria on December 14, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    no i didnt. He also just called but i didnt pick up. I felt unsure of whethere i should. I do feel concern and curiosity of what happened since his court date was today.

    I also felt like “punishing him” to be honest. oh here he calls agin.

  233.  #233Lisa on December 14, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    I’d like a Mexican Coke, with no HFCS, just cane sugar! Cleaner on the palate — food snob, yeah!

    Daria talks of manifesting guys w/o wheels, which reminds me of my focus before I met the last guy (of 7 year fame), and I swear it’s all true:

    I was tired of dumpy little guys, so I asked the universe for “Tall and slim”. In short order, I got 6’3″. 6’4″, 6’5″ and 6’6″, I kid you not! Most unavailable or inappropriate in one way or another, but all tall. 7 year guy was 6’3″. I was so delighted to “have” a man whose waist did not exceed his inseam. but he, too, was inappropriate.

    You see, what I failed to ask for was “kindness”. I didn’t realize that was part of the package I deserved.

    7 years later, I know better.

  234.  #234Mary on December 14, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    bring me a mexican coke to canada!

  235.  #235Daria on December 14, 2009 at 11:38 pm


    I just had a talk wiht him!


    I feel vibrating shakyness but i feel good~! and powerful!

    let me get something to drink and then i am about to tell you WHY!

  236.  #236Daria on December 14, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    whoooo so much shaky energy moving through my body. bUt this is a breakthrough

    ohhhh hsooo different leme tell lllllluuu
    my whole body is shaking like i got the Major Shivers

  237.  #237Mary on December 14, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    can’t wait to hear. and please comment on my scenario, too!

  238.  #238Mary on December 14, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    i’m needing some new ideas.

  239.  #239Mary on December 14, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    or i could just marry him right now. hope for the best. play house for a while. see how it goes.

    but… i don’t want to put myself or my family through any unnecessary trauma.

  240.  #240Mary on December 14, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    i was all excited about this circular dating idea, and then all that happened at halloween, and i haven’t really gotten any response from anyone about it. what’s confusing to me is the depth of the previous relationship, and how does that work in to the idea of keeping my options open? i mean, we know each other so well. we just fall in step with each other. like nothing ever happened. so for me to suddenly be out and about with other guys, and we’re telling each other “i love you” seems a little ludicrous. or weird. or shallow.

  241.  #241Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:02 am

    YEs Mary. It would feel like that. Those are the nasty voices out to get you. Embrace them. They are trying to protect you, but now you Are in Charge!

    And you’re gonna do what keeps feeling good, and what makes you Bigger and Happier, so you can have more love and compassion to share with them and with the world. And you’re not gonna abandon them. You promise.

  242.  #242Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:03 am

    PS you can tell that that. I memorized it because I use it to embrace mine. It’s from Rori’s Heartconnection.

  243.  #243Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:11 am

    okay, what happened with your phone call? can’t wait to hear.

  244.  #244Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:13 am


    I feel like I just took a weird Harry Potter trip. I went to a room where there was a big dark, dusty velvet coverd thing. I pulled the velvet cover off. And there was a mirror. But all I could see in the mirror was darkness. And then I touched the mirror…

    and out of the universe blackness a hand touched mine.

    well. We both touched the mirror. I couldn’t feel the hand. Just the mirror

    But there he was. In the mirror, with the mirror a shield between us. And all we could communicate was echo.

  245.  #245Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:16 am

    So he called. He said hi. I said hi. He said how are you.

    Then he proceeded to tell me my thoughts and feelings about him mirrored back to me.

    He said he feels like my mind is weird. He said he feels like I dont’ care about him. He said he tries but he doesnt understand my mind.

    HE said some attacking shit I forgot.

    He said How come he can sit and listen to my feelings, but I can’t listen to him.

    I felt odd. – I was like this is what I’m thinking.

    It got weirder.

  246.  #246Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:19 am

    I should add that i did a lefkoe belief change. Where I realized I was a divine being who creates my life. And I FELT it. To be that divine being. I also released the “im powerless, other people know better than me, and I cant trust myself belief”

    and alsot hte conditioning to get anxious when being criticized or jduged

    i didnt know if the anxiousness was gone.

    But obviously it was.

    I stayed in my feelings. Normally I would feel So angry I would stop listening at any point I felt attacked.

    BUt nwo I felt calm. I started to respond the same way, by not listening, until I realized that it was not affecting me.

    like none of the negative stuff he was saying was having an impact on me. It was like he was talking to a mirror. Because it was. It was so odd. I felt like laughing.

  247.  #247Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:20 am

    So he asked me what do I want.

    I said I want a man whos all about me. He said he wants a woman whos about him.

    I was silent.

    He said what am I thinking, what is going on through my mind about this.

    I said I feel like were not on the same page.

    He said yeah. Thats How he feels too.

    I felt connected.

  248.  #248Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:40 am

    oh, daria.

  249.  #249Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:41 am

    you need to write a book! i love that last line! that’s so brilliant! we’re not on the page. yeah, i feel that too. you felt connected.


  250.  #250Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:42 am

    SAME page

  251.  #251Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:43 am

    i mean, how does it get to be all about us? why is it all about us? where does the other person fit in?

    on the middle of the bridge… that’s where. and that’s where you were with him. right in the middle. no more you. no more him. just in the moment together.

  252.  #252Mary on December 15, 2009 at 12:44 am

    serious about you writing a book.

  253.  #253Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:11 am

    He said what are we going to do then. Not be together. Do i just want to have sex every now and then. (this is not what he wanted – it may be what i want under certain circumstances). I said I don’t know.

    He said its like he doesnt understand my mind. Its so weird to him.

    He asked me how I feel.

    I found it hard to formulate. I was just silent

    He said wtf. are you slow? you are slow huh. youre stupid. are you stupid? Wwo you are stupid.

    I thought about hanging up. This is when I realized:


    NTO A SINGLE PART OF ME FELT BAD ABOUT MYSELF. I JUST FELT well, calm, and then intrigued and fascinated by my realization.

    This is SOOO different from before. Before I would feel like defending myself, I would feel furious, I would want to hang up… I would not listen or be connected.

    Instead I jsut waited (not saying anyone should do this when someone is calling them stupid, jsut saying I didn’t feel bad… and that made me feel good… and intrigued)

    so then as he said that I said. Hmm. I don’t like being called stupid.

    He said he gets to feel soooo mad. That I don’t say anything. Like what the hell am I doing when I do that.

    I said well. Maybe I’m thinking. You know how I am. (I’ve done this before)

    He said yeah. It seems like the only time you really speak my feelings is when you get mad. Then youre like I feel mad! And he’s sorry. He’s sorry he called me slow and stupid. (not sarcastically, he meant it). He really wants to have a conversation and know how I really feel.

    I felt connected. I felt curious at his honest seeming self created apology (not a frequent thing)

    He said what do I want. He said I dont care about his feelings. He has feelings too. And im hurting his feelings.

    I said I want a man whos all about me. I want a man who puts me first. A man who takes care of me.

    He said Well I want a woman who takes care of me.

    He said what do I have to say about that.

    I said I feel like we’re not on the same page.

    HE said Yeah we’re not.

    I felt connected.

    He said well its gotta be 50 50. What about his feelings. HE has feelings too. His feelings count.

    He said Im so weird. He said can I tell you something, but you get so mad but I really want to tell you whats on my mind (Im figuring lol what have you been telilng me till now lol)

    I said of course sure. I want to know what yorue thinking.

    He said eh thinks Im childish. That he thinks hes very mature. And im childish.

    I almost interrupted and said. ME too!! this is exactly what Im thinking. BUt then I realize I was the feeling person. I let him speak. IT really helped that I was NOT TRIGGERED BY THESE COMMENTS. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING AND WEIRD IT IS TO NOT BE TRIGGERED BY THESE COMMENTS?????

    So he said whta do i think.

    I said it feels a lil sad and hopeless, because it feels like we’re so far apart from being on the same page that I don’t even know if we can be.

    He said well I dont think youre ever gonna get a man this way. THinking that its all about you. No man is going to want that, not any race. It doesn’t make no senese. My mind is so strange. Im not liek other women. Other women Want to do for their man. They want to take care of their man. But I don’t. It’s just weird.

    I listened. It was easy to listen to. I didn’t believe any of it at all. It made no affect on my self esteem.

    He said other men in jail are not calling me to ask me to visit them. Other women would be happy that their man wants them to visit him.

    I waited until he finished.

    I said yeah. I don’t want that (50 50). I want a man whos all about me

    He said maybe he’s not understanding this. He said can I explain to him what I mean by that.

    I said I want a man who wants to take care of me, put me first. He said he wants to put me first. What can he do to do that.

    We talked a lil about sex. I said I feel like he’s giving to me in that way. I want it like that the whole time not just in bed.

    he said well what Specifically are some of the things I can do to make you feel that way

    I said mmm… like come to me. Never Ever put me down. Listen to my feelings.

    He said don’t I always ask you how are you? You don’t listen to my feelings but I have to listen to yours?

    I said you do always ask me how I am. I noticed that. But I dont feel listened to. I dont feel like my feelings come first.

    I want a man who is concerned about me. Who wants to give things to me. I forgot what else I said.

    He said well you know I don’t have money and I didnt have a car when … and now im in jail.

    I said well. It doesnt matter if youre in jail.

    He said what do you mean. I just dont understand. I swera I dotn understand how your mind works. I feel furious. I swear you want to make me hate you. how can I come see you when Im in jail?

    I said I mean when youre out. I didnt get any visits. I feel like im doing too much visiting you. I dont feel liek im being treated well by you. I dont feel like Ive really gotten ANything from you.

    He said man. Im here stressing and I cant even get a visit, cant even get some money on the phone to call you. Its not like I ask you for money in here. I just want to talk to YOU. IM stressed. I cant believe youre treating me so fucked up. I dont need to be treated so fucked up. I swear when I get out, watch. Im gonna try really hard and not call yhou. Its hard cuz I think about you so much. bUt this time Im gonna really try to not call you. Cuz i dont deserve to be treated so bad.

    I said Wow. I giggled. I said this is crazy. You complain about not getting visits but you just got a visit for me. It feels weird. Like when you get something you immediately want more and you forget that it even happend.

    He said well what are we going to do? what is going to happen now…

    I said I don’t know.

    I suddenly switched voices and businesslike asked him What happend in court.

    He said theyre gonna drop the charges, but he still has to take a violation, so he probably will have another couple months.

    He said well can you please let me know if I will get another visit or be able to call you? I will have to find some way to get a 3 way call to you. or do you jsut want to wait until I get out to see me.

    I said I dont’ know. I don’t really want to visit.

    He said somethjing. All I want is a visit. I cant believe IM being treated this way …

    oh yeah this was in the convo about what I want.

    I said I feel weird even hearing you talking about being treated a certain way. Because to me, I want a man that treats me well. It feels weird to even think of a woman “treating” a man a certain way.

    I said I wouldn’t be thinking about treating a man well until I felt like I was being treated 110% well. Like his focus was on me.

    He said well. You’re selfish. You are you know that. I cant believe you. Im here in jail and you waont even visit me. You act like im asking you to do something. All I want is to see you.

    I said i dont feel like you want to see me. I feel like you want somebody to see YOU.

    (did I mention I felt like laughing out loud? I almost did. This CoNVERSATION WAS SO ODD!! hes accusing me of being all the things that I think hes being. And yes, i know it looks to me like he’s “wrong.” But i was imagining that in part of his mind it looks the other way exactly. And this felt Extremely amusing, especially that I was in no way affected by any of the accusations etc. And I also felt glad to get a chance to really speak what I was feeling throughout)

    He said NO. I want to see you. man. When I get out watch. Im gonna get another girl who is gonna be down for me. she is for sure going to want to see me.

    I said why dont you do that then.

    He said you really dont care. you dont care If i never talk to you again. Man do you know how that hurst my feelings, that you dont want to see me or talk to me?

    I said mmm… Im feeling mad.

    He said well IM feeling mad too!!!

    I said Well, /Im still feeling mad.

    He said. IM FEELING MAD TOO!!!

    I said ok.

    HE said. youre gonna make me hate you. wow youre really gonna make me hate you. You cant just come see me please? you dont want to talk to me? You jsut want to wait till i get out? I just want you to come see me, not every visit, but at least once in awhile…

    I said mmmm

    well I told you I dont really want to do that.

    He said wow.

    Cant you jsut do that. It cant just be all about you. It has to be about me too. Im in jail.

    I said well to tell you the truth, I dont care about being in jail that much. I mean, Im not you so I don’t know how you feel, but muthafuckas are in jail all the time.

    He said wow.

    See thats what it is. Im not muthafuckas. But i see. You really dont care. I LOVE YOU THOUGH. I cant understand you. I just want to talk to you. Do you think you can put some money on the phone?

    mm.. no. not right now.

    He said are you still gonna send me the pictures.

    I said yeah. I can do that.

    ok well maybe tomorrow or the next day.

    mmmm. No. Definitely not then.

    He said well next week then?

    I said I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to do anything when I feel mad.

    So he said so what are we gonna do. You just want to have sex every now and then? is that what you want? I love (xxx rated material here).

    i said hehe youre nasty

    he said i know. youre nasty too

    thats the reason why you love me huh.

    I said yes.

    he said well promise me if you dont want more then youll always let me xxx…

    I said well … not always

    he said well luntil you get married

    i said ok. Until I get married and when Im not mad at you

    he said haha

    I felt connected

    he said so you cant put any money on the phone?

    I said I thought you said you were gonna have someone 3 way me.

    He said I said i dont have anyone to. Im gonna have to find someone.

    I said ok. That would feel cool.

    He said are you still gonna send me the pictures. I said yeah.

    He said ok I love you.

    I said I love you too.

  254.  #254Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:15 am


    IT felt SURREAL.

    I felt like a mirror was talking to me.

    I kept having a slight wanting to say (WAIT thats what IM thinking. You cant accuse me of being what youre being!) until I remembered to sink in my feelings.

    I felt absolutley amused at his ranting and raving. I felt like someobodys NV was going wild and was totally powerless to affect me in the mirror.

    I felt like i was impervious and undisturbed by any attacks!

    like I was a huge pond and he was throwing rocks in it, and all that owuld happen is the rock would sink, and beautiful concentric circles ripple out, calmly.

    It felt AMAZING!!! I felt so powerful. I spoke ONLY THE TRUTH!

    ANd stayed in my feelings.

    oh it was so strange how he was mirroring my thoughts.

    He even called me a cat (remember how I wrote I feel like a cat in my letter)?

    He said youre a jaycat, a cat for real. Kat Williams.



  255.  #255Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:29 am

    wow. okay, my favorite part besides the “i felt connected part” … :

    “I suddenly switched voices and businesslike asked him What happend in court.” that made me laugh, daria! that made me feel whatever i felt that made me laugh.

    well, and that he was using the jail thing to bait you to do whatever he wanted, and you just said,

    “I said well to tell you the truth, I dont care about being in jail that much. I mean, Im not you so I don’t know how you feel, but muthafuckas are in jail all the time.”

    i don’t know how i feel about that! i’ll bet he doesn’t want to be in that category of muthafuckas ever again in his life.

  256.  #256Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:31 am

    and that he was saying that he wanted someone who was just into him, like what you wanted. of course we all want that! male and female.

  257.  #257Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:32 am

    you found a way to detach. that talk about that in alanon all the time. your alcoholic, or whoever is giving you a problem in life is doing their thing, and you’re just watching, but it’s not affecting you.

    it is kinda like a shield, don’t you think?

  258.  #258Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:33 am

    I was really feeling like this was a different universe … im not kidding AT ALL.

    And i kept wondering sometimes, when I could tell he might say something to attack me,

    I was waiting for my ICKY feeilng in the lower back, that feeling stabbed and OH NO… feeling

    BUt I never got that feeling !!! I was just feeling totally calm and unperturbed

    It was like his attacks had NO effect, and his pleadings and acusations.

    I even told him why “if you love me you’d come ” felt bad

    he said why

    I said cuz it feels like manipulation, it feels like my love is being pulled.

    He said what do you mean. Its cuz i love you I want you to see me.

    I said that doesn’t feel like you love me. THat feels like ME LOVING YOU!

    And I dont feel good doing so much, because well I feel resentful of our past. I dont feel like ive been given to almost anything by you.
    I want a man who gives to me.

    He said well you keep talking about a man, a man, Im not just a man. we’ve been sleeping with each other for almost 10 years.

    I said yeah, its not like you’re just a new man. If anything, its kind of worse, cuz I have a history with you, and most of it doesnt feel good.

    He said well what can I say Daria. I can only be *name*. I am not another person. I have feelings too.

    I felt a lil scared when he said that, I thought this like uhoh this means he’s not gonna change. Then I realized wait. He’s not saying hes not gonna change. He’s saying he can only be himself. Which is just an obvious truth… then i felt Unperturbedness again.

    I felt so unperturbed.



    I have always been perturbed, silent and Furious (in the old old pre understanding Rori axioms past) , or else hanging up (my first ever baby step towards moving away from a man).

    This time I felt NOT FURIOUS. If anything I felt. Intense. (but not hurt or overhwlemed) Amazed.

    I felt like wow were like being truthful. That is IM being truthful, and Im even hearing him out, without needing to judge his words to protect myself from his attacks. IM just listening to him express himself, and feeling totaly not budgy from my boundaries or total belief in myself.

    Oh he also said, do you think youre gonna find a man thats only gonna give to you? I mean whats he going to be getting? A man has feelings too. HE needs to be taken care of too.

    I said sure. Theres lots of men that are happy just making a woman happy.

    He said: I want to be happy making you happy.

    (Lol I thought no kidding. I will help you by being all about myself lol)

    I felt good.

    He is just way off into this other world, where he thinks hes supposed to be drawing in love.

    And i told him. IM not saying everyone is like this. Im just saying what I want.

    (Who knows, maybe hes a feminine man. BUt I want a masculine man, so I will continue to require that. He can give to me wht he can, and I will be happy to receive it. Its not my business to be judging him).

    When I did feel a lil cold, or worried when he was saying he was gonna hate me, another voice was saying… this is how it is when men love bitches.

    Lol he started swearing that he would try to not call me anymore , nver call me again. But then hes lik eyou really dont care. I can tell you dont care.

    I said its not that I don’t care.

    = and its not. Im just not interesting in bending my boundaries or lowering my requirements. –

    I felt like a superpoweful person!

    I felt like he was going nuts and I was just feeling calm and , not uncaring, not quite nonchalant, but well I guess kinda blase. In a warm way tho.

    IT felt pretty good. Unperturbed, thats what I was feeling mostly.

    Like I knew everything was going to be fine.


  259.  #259Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:35 am

    It felt kinda like a shield, but it was more like a Mirror.

    Because to be 100% honest in a spiritual sense…

    in my head IM thinking THOSE EXACT same words about him.

  260.  #260Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:35 am

    i love this part too: “He said NO. I want to see you. man. When I get out watch. Im gonna get another girl who is gonna be down for me. she is for sure going to want to see me.

    I said why dont you do that then.”

    i’ve said that before! just go into whatever the threat is. do a little jujitsu on them. go into the move and then turn it around.

  261.  #261Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:36 am

    call their bluff

  262.  #262Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:37 am

    the good thing about this mirror is I still felt connected when things felt good.

    And when bad energy was coming to me, its like it wasn’t touching me or hurting me.

    I think when I eliminated those beliefs this morning, it repaired a hole in my energy system or something.

    And his “attacky energy thing” kept looking for a hole or weakness nad couldn’t find it.

    I feel glda thinking that this is healing his attack thingy.

    Like me actually being able to HEAR him, not interrupting vocally or mentally. And also not reacting in a violent manner back.

    Kinda like the comment about the calm dog who got the crazy dog put in with him to retrain her.

  263.  #263Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:38 am

    you were thinking the same things because basically men and women want the same things. they just go about getting them differently. but as you talked about your feelings, as he has probably learned to do from you, then you were getting down to the core things that you wanted, so you weren’t trying to get them in your different ways, you were just talking about what you wanted, and what you wanted were the same things. and those are things we all want.

  264.  #264Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:40 am

    Mary. I felt kinda inauthentic on that .”why dont you do that then”

    It was not a feeling message. It sounded more like an attack.

    The only difference is… I actually calmly meant it.

    I didnt mean. STFUP you dumbass.

    I meant… well if theres another girl there for you that you want to have a relationship with, I dont feel disturbed by that at this moment, because I dont feel interested right now.

  265.  #265Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:40 am

    wow, that conversation was better than the letter. but good that you wrote the letter because it prepared you for the conversation.

  266.  #266Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:40 am

    Or something like that. I felt perfectly unperturbed to have him go away.

    But he didnt go away.

  267.  #267Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:41 am

    well, i got it that that’s what you meant. and that was so cool! cool and calm and collected and not threatened and genuinely wanting the best for him.

  268.  #268Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:41 am

    and calling his bluff too, if he was bluffing. calling his bluff by being sincere.

  269.  #269Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:44 am

    Hehe I feel glad you think that mary. I felt shaken in vibrating shakes afterwards for like 5 minutes.

    I felt like i was shaking shaking like i was out in the cold, so much intense energy was running in me!

    But it felt thrilling and i kept laughing instead of feeling drained and sad.


    I feel a lil vulnerable because well… I did listen to a whole bunch of CRAP and I feel a lil worried to be judged like well actualy Daria you listend to a bunch of crap from an asshole.

    I want to say I woulnd’t have listened to crap and just hung up if I didnt get in my feelings and realized with amazement hta t I felt totally unperturbed###!!!


    So Mary I don’t know if men and women want the same things.

    I think Men want to make a woman happy.

    I thik Women want to be happy.

  270.  #270Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:47 am

    But both those things lead to both the man and the woman being happy.

    I feel glad that I can possibly allow him to learn what its like to make a woman happy.

    I think that even tho this maybe hurt his feminine side *feeelings* as he said, Its making way for his masculine side to maybe come up with or even stumble upon some things to make me feel good.

    And then he will be like wow she feels good!

    HEs very giving in bed. I guess he just doesnt realize he supposed to give in relationships.

    But then I do know him and his friends, and many girls around them are like… ohhh let me take care of you, give you money and shoes and presents, and blah blah…

    of course thats all shortlived

  271.  #271Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:47 am

    you don’t think men want to be happy?

  272.  #272Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:48 am

    Thanks Mary! I feel heard! yay!!

  273.  #273Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:49 am

    mmm… I do think they want to be happy but i think they get to that by focusing on making a woman happy,

    not by receiving

    Belch men receiving!!!! I think that would make them feel all weak and blech

  274.  #274Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:49 am

    well, that makes sense. i don’t have much in the way of street smarts, having lived a pretty sheltered existence.

  275.  #275Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:51 am

    this guy i have been dating is all about receiving. he wants a woman to come toward him. pay for herself. etc.

    (not my ex. he’s very masculine)

    this other guy. he and i are alike in a lot of great ways. we have the same sense of design. we love the woods. we’re similar in social situations. but that’s all surface stuff.

    the guy i really love is very very masculine and into pleasing me and helping me and figuring out whatever’s best for me. it feels all so natural and wonderful.

  276.  #276Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Kinda how some of us goddesses, before reading from Rori and feeling this out,

    tried to make ourselves happy by giving to men. Giving makes us happy right!!!! Well it makes our masculine happy.

    But our feminine which is what we have abundance of in our Goddessy selves doesn’t feel as happy giving.

    She doesn’t need to GIVE. Because she RADIATES.

    Its kinda like shes GIVING by BEING.

    Mmm like as a Goddess having an aura of love healing, and presents radiating around her.

    She doesnt’ need to take ONE present To someone.

    She just has abundance of presents sprouting and floating around her like a fountain.

  277.  #277Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:53 am

    but he doesn’t like for me to be a pushover and do too much for him. he really likes it when i focus on myself and when i don’t let him push me around. he likes to push a little, but he likes to feel the resistance, which is what you and your guy were doing tonight. you weren’t really resisting, but you weren’t being pushed around. you were detached but also engaged. very cool.

  278.  #278Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:54 am

    daria… you’re helping me. thank you.

  279.  #279Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:55 am

    there are a few guys i’d like to date. just see what it’s like to be out with them before i commit to this guy. but i don’t want him to freak out and leave me because i’ve decided to go out with someone else.

  280.  #280Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:57 am

    this helps me:

    She doesn’t need to GIVE. Because she RADIATES.

    Its kinda like shes GIVING by BEING.

  281.  #281Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:57 am

    Hehe you’re helping me! By hearing me out. I feel supported!

    I feel intrigued about you and your guys

  282.  #282Mary on December 15, 2009 at 1:57 am

    i think that’s right. that’s what david deida talks about in his books.

  283.  #283Daria on December 15, 2009 at 1:59 am

    Well Mary

    Personally if a guy was gonna leave me…. then … um… I would feel BAD.

    and insecure, and offbalance…

    and possibly not good enough, or BETTER and that would be nice maybe now I would feel he’s not good enough for ME!

    I mean he’s not supposed to be able to leave you!!

    hes supposed to PROVE to you 100% that he’s the one for YOU. He’s supposed to CLAIM you and try his best so that you wouldn’t want to leave HIM!

  284.  #284Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:00 am

    I would feel totally insecure commiting to a man who might leave me! Like… I would feel afraid he WOULD leave me AFTER I’ve commited.

  285.  #285Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:01 am

    i haven’t heard from the one in denver who visited. he’s the one who’s married but getting a divorce. it’ll probably be a while before he’s available. he was pretty hollowed out when i saw him. i just became a listening friend, but he acted as though he wanted to stay in contact with me. and he wrote me a letter with lots of getting together metaphors.

    then he emailed to ask me if he should rent or buy a place, because he’s moving out of his house. i made the mistake of saying too much there, and i haven’t heard back from him, but… i think i will. when it’s time for him to start going out, i think he might come for a visit.

    so… i’d like for him to come. i don’t want to be too serious with Mr. Ex. at that time! you know? and the new guy… he’s fun. and we like each other. but WAY TOO much talking and feminine energy on his part! it really bugs me and i don’t react to it. just stay silent, like you were doing…

  286.  #286Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:03 am

    well, lots of men leave their women, even after they’ve married them. how can you know a man won’t leave you! it happens all the time.

    this guy doesn’t even know if he can commit. he wants to. he really does. but his nature is to be with any woman who will have him. his nature is to go out hunting. his nature is predatory. but he doesn’t want to be like that. he wants to be with a good woman. (moi) he wants to live a respectable life.

    maybe everyone deserves a chance to better themselves? i don’t know how he can prove it to me that he can commit. do you?

  287.  #287Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:05 am

    Mary, I would stay silent until he finishes talking…

    then I would check my feelings and give him a one liner about them.

    Hmm… I feel weird.

    or hmm… that feels good

    hmm… Im feeling kinda uncomfortable


    (uhoh! Im feeling al il stuck here on what to say)


    Reminds me of another ex I ahve, who will just sit there and not give me attention, just listen to his ipod or something, and i find my attention drifting to him. BOY. I feel kinda not good and bored already.

  288.  #288Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:05 am

    mmmmmmm… more orange juice. more ginger ale. lil bit of chocolate. no garlic.

  289.  #289Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:06 am

    Mmmm… he can prove it by doing stuff so that you feel Secure and Totally comfortable that he Can commit to you.

  290.  #290Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:06 am

    lol no garlic

  291.  #291Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:08 am

    im feeling kinda tired… i just processed a lot of energy right there… i feel like sinking into myself and restoring.

    That “focusing” thing I foudn felt VERY good and sinky and magic

  292.  #292Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:08 am

    really? he reminds you of that?

    no. he’s very, very attentive.

    today all he did was call around to find me some snow tires, and they were just too expensive, so he went another direction and started trying to find me a new place to go, but i want to go up island, so he started calling the bus companies and trying to figure out if there’s a car up there i could rent, or a taxi i could use.
    and i was busy getting shots for a trip abroad next month, and he came to where i was just to spend a few minutes with me before i had to do some more errands.

    i didn’t ask him for anything. he just figures out what i need and starts working on it.


  293.  #293Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:09 am

    okay then…

    good night.



  294.  #294Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:09 am

    I love this from their site!!! Im glad I do this!!

    “Adopt a “split-level” approach to all instructions: On the one hand follow the instructions exactly, so that you can discover the experiences to which they point. On the other hand be sensitive to yourself and your own body. Assume that only sound expansive experiences are worth having. The moment doing it feels wrong in your body, stop following the instruction, and back up slightly. Stay there with your attention until you can sense exactly what is going wrong.”

  295.  #295Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:10 am

    Mary I meant the feminine energy guy who talks a lot

  296.  #296Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:11 am

    Mary that sounds NICE!

    I want a man like that. HEhe!!

    I would liek a man to assist me with my business in ways that feel helpful and supportive to me!!!

  297.  #297Mary on December 15, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Oh, yeah.

    He’s out.

    I bookmarked this focus thing. Gonna read it now, while you sink into yourself.

    Good night, Daria.

    Talk to you later…

    Love, Mary

  298.  #298Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:12 am

    In this way you will find your own body’s steps, either through the instructions, or through what is wrong with them.

    Focusing is always like that: You don’t push on if it doesn’t feel right, but you don’t run away either. You go no further, but you back up only a little, so that you stay until what is in the way becomes clear.

  299.  #299Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Nite nite!

  300.  #300alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 2:39 am

    yae daria. i feel very good to read your experience of genuinely not feeling triggered and the whole mirror imagery. nice.

    i felt good to read mary supporting and adding in.

    mary sometimes i feel a little inattentive. i feel bored with a lot of spinning thoughts over and over again. just spinning in one’s thoughts. i know for me riffing helps. and being in the moment with my feelings. for me is more satsifying than thinking of scenarios or final decisions or motivations or possible future outcomes.

  301.  #301alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 2:43 am

    yes indeed. i got a lot out of that daria. thank you. i feel very satisfied. and i feel amazed at this goddess mastermind. i feel like i just jumped ahead a whole game board or video game level because of you sharing your experience.

    and i feel excited too. since romance has been this big thing in my life i have invested in without much seeming success. so sometimes a nv will say WHY ARE YOU SPENDING SO MUCH TIME ON THE ISLAND???? GO DO SOMETHING MORE BETTER.

    but i am becoming a GODDESS. A GODDESS!!!!!!!!! who has her way with men. ah hem. that feels very gratifying and fulfilling in an area of my life that is very important to me.

    thank you.

  302.  #302Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:53 am

    AG yes. i feel mmm sleepy. And glad I had that experience. I feel powerful and like I live in a harry potter similar world

  303.  #303Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:55 am

    I love the island. its my floating journal. It feels great to write in my floating journal . Its all about ME! ME and discovering me and expressing me!

    AND theres other Goddesses here too

    its like asking

    Why play the guitar?

    um duh cuz it feels good and amazing and healing

  304.  #304Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:56 am

    I don’t play the guitar. Im just saying. For people who play the guitar. But um… I was gonna sign up for singing lessons right now, but I got lost in the focusing website

  305.  #305Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:56 am

    It might feel fun to play the guitar, or soemthing similar. yes I would like to sing and play an instrument that feels goddessy

  306.  #306Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:02 am

    yay! theres a 10 dollar Solstice singing thing by the woman i was going to sign up with. plus every other sunday womens song circle at 2 pm!


  307.  #307alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 3:06 am

    i just did that focussing thing. the word came up was “terror” and it was around ‘going after my dreams’

    ah. i feel expanding.

  308.  #308alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 3:08 am


    having my way

    with the world

    i feel in love

  309.  #309Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:20 am

    ooh alias Girl!


    I got pictures instead of words! they were so cool! like shaman visions.

    I got a monkey in my tummy holding on to my mouth from the inside. It was holding my mouth shut. like one of his arms was in my tongue and the other was above.

    Very interesing. I forgot what I did that one for. I may hve done it about expressing myself i think

    and then the second time I did right now, I chose “digestive issues”

    and I got like a coiled white worm snake thing with a rattlesnake rattle and a swollen tongue that looked like a carrot. It was like my intestines and the rattle was umm my inner booty parts lol and the carrot tongue was my tongue. and its body was coiled like my intestines but more roundy

  310.  #310Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:22 am

    everything was shifting very easilly for me

    with the snake my shifts were HUge yawns that didnt really give me much “thoughts” necessarily but just yawned the hell out of me and my eyes dripped tears

  311.  #311Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:23 am

    the monkey gave me interesting thoughts. I forgot them right now tho. in one way i feel safe cuz i know theyre part of me now. in another way i feel disappointed cuz i feel like i couldve maybe gotten even more if i had written them down here

  312.  #312Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:25 am

    oh. The lefkoe thing worked better today because the lady changed her approach.

    She asked me beforeheand if I actually See the beliefs i said no. She said do you feel them i said yes.

    She said some people are more kinestetic and feel them. apparently thats me hehe

    i feel proud, and ashamed to feel proud of something inborn like being proud of being tall. BUT I FEEL PROUD SO THANK “YOU!!!!

    i feel proud anyway. And i lvoe my pride and my shame.

    yes! Im cool! im what i want hehe.

  313.  #313Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:27 am

    when we did the creatrix of the world thing…

    i felt like i was this divine being thing, like not masculine or feminine, and i was wanting to chill and sit down and smoke a pipe lol!

    it felt good in like a relaxed way

    then i found i could change some of my beliefs on my own after that, cuz i get that im some kinda divine being who apparently likes to smoke pipes.

    or did at that moment

  314.  #314Daria on December 15, 2009 at 3:28 am

    I had a much easier time brushing my skin (for a really long time) and showering, and washing my hair, and pouring nettle juice on my hair after that!

  315.  #315alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 3:41 am

    🙂 i feel very soaked in divine feminine energy reading those last comments.

    i just contacted a different dream coach because the first one never responded and i don’t feel like giving up.

  316.  #316alias girl on December 15, 2009 at 3:44 am

    oh i went ice skating the other night and after skating i went to my car and changed my socks into the clean. dry, fluffy warm ones i had brought. because when i rent ice skates they are often wet. ew.

    so i was putty on my fluffy dry socks and i thought, aw, what a little princess i am with my second pair of socks. and i felt good that i treated myself like a princess.

    it reminded me because whenever you say “brushing your skin” (not sure what that is) it sounds like a very princess ritual.

  317.  #317Mary on December 15, 2009 at 4:09 am

    alias girl, i want to riff and not spin, feel and not think, be in the moment and not in the future outcomes.

  318.  #318Mary on December 15, 2009 at 4:13 am

    i will have to riff in the morning though. good night…

  319.  #319Linda on December 15, 2009 at 5:06 am


    No one knows how things work in others. Words are empty and actions real. It seems to me that you have a man of action . History is history with someone. You might be afraid that it will repeat itself with this yummy man you are crazy in love with.

    My encouragement to you is, Be in love with him, recieve his attentions, and enjoy. Worry over him changing would be like daming up what is flowing. Let it flow and be happy.

    Sounds like there has been a shift and a good one. Take your time, let it reveal truth it always does. Your friends and others approval? That is another issue. If they have some wisdom for you good if they are holding an offense for yout hat you no longer have and forgiveness has taken place between you and him then their stuff is theirs and their issues will need to be worked thru for them. I dont live my life to gain the approval of others. (even my kids)…..Follow your heart, keep your head and be happy.

    Just my thoughts…. Linda

  320.  #320Mary on December 15, 2009 at 6:00 am

    Wpw! Thank you, Linda. Thank you so much. I like these thoughts. I really love this guy. Maybe he needed to be on his own for a while, just to be sure. Or maybe he was working something else out inside his head. He is so deep and beautiful and thoughtful.

    “Let it flow and be happy.” This is good… thank you.

    Peaceful now… Mary

  321.  #321Simply Shannon on December 15, 2009 at 6:22 am

    Ok, I can’t keep up but wanted to comment on Daria’s call (at the beginning, I haven’t read it all).

    Daria: What you did on the phone felt brilliant! You were a rockstar! You didn’t bring drama. You just listened and responded. And you were quiet when words didn’t matter or wouldn’t be useful. I feel PROUD OF YOU!!!

    Gotta run to work now. I’ll read the rest and respond later. Woohoo! Daria, you rock!

  322.  #322Simply Shannon on December 15, 2009 at 6:23 am

    This is actually very useful for me because in my experience arguing back or saying spiteful things only takes the conversation to a bad place (i.e. a fight). By keeping calm, you were able to continue the conversation and go deeper. Yeah Daria!

  323.  #323gina on December 15, 2009 at 8:39 am

    Okay, just got back from my “date” with G, and whoa! I feel really happy and peaceful. and wowed, but not blown over. Just smily. We went out to dinner, and he wanted to know what doubts I had about him. i shared that I felt uneasy about his talk about me raising a bunch of little “G”s and I feel turned off by the thought of me spending much of my time cleaning house. He assured me that he had been joking when he said those things, and he shared his thoughts on how he wants his wife to be happy and stress free, and free to do as she wishes (so long as she is faithful to him – no cheating, spending time at bars, etc). I let him know that I had felt a little concerned about his ideas on fidelity, and he gave me a detailed account of what kind of example his father set (very good to his mom), his own experimentation with promiscuity in spite of his father’s teaching, and his arrival now at complete readiness to commit to one woman. After addressing my concerns, he shared that he is into me as much as he possibly could be after only 3 dates, and he wanted to know if I would be willing to be exclusive with him. I said that everything felt really good, and that I hesitate only because I don’t have the feeling of security that comes with consistency over time. He understood agreed completely. He explained that, as a VP of a company, he makes about 50 multi million dollar decisions every. He said that he’s used to gathering information, and making decisions based on his gut feeling. His gut feeling about me is that I’m the one. And he’s not trying to push for marriage next week, but he hates to think of me dating other men, and said that it would become difficult for him to give to me completely. After some discussion, I agreed to try exclusivity with him, so long as we were both moving towards the possibility of forever after. We agreed to be completely honest with each other if our feelings or intentions changed. We talked about weddings – he’d like to have a destination wedding (I felt overwhelmed by this!!!), changing my name (I cried – I LOVE my name), him buying a townhouse for us downtown (I cried again – I LOVE my apartment), and him purchasing a nice house in the suburbs (I cried some more), and babies (a few more tears about what my body’s gonna go through!!). The tears were about grieving the end of single life. He’s clear that I’m in no rush to give up my single life, but that I am falling in love with the developing vision of our life together. We spent the night together and had sex and everything feels really good. Just gonna take it one day at a time from here. wild, huh??

  324.  #324gina on December 15, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Oh, and I met him on a dating website!!! WHO KNEW???

  325.  #325Mary on December 15, 2009 at 11:09 am

    gina – i’m happy for you! that sounds like a dreamland fairytale date.

  326.  #326Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Alias Girl skin brushing makes me feel like I’m a princess in a castle or a Goddess in a bathing with flowers steamy mist of wood flower aromas…

    I love it

    also I feel Sooo good after doing it and I brush my skin with love (like painting) it

    heres some kinda description of what it is:


  327.  #327Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Gina I feel concerned about agreeing to exclusivity. I feel kinda afraid. I also feel curious to see what happens.

    I love that it feels like your opening up – the tears and able to consider marriage

  328.  #328Daria on December 15, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    I once dry brushed twice a day for 2 weeks and after two weeks all my cellulite was gone. But i dont have much cellulite to begin with. It got more visible, and then at one point i looked and realized WHOA. I have super smooth skin, like everywhere! like ive been airbrushed hehe

    i was brushed

  329.  #329Simply Shannon on December 15, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Gina: I feel happy that you had such a good date. I feel scared about making the exclusivity decision after only three dates. If I heard “he is into me as much as he possibly could be after only 3 dates”, I would feel scared because this sounds like he’s not 100% sure to me. “After only 3 dates”? Eck. I feel curious to see what happens but I feel scared to go exclusive again so quickly. Mr. Manly Man was the same kind of guy as G (really pushing for exclusivity). Business man used to having his way, family man looking for a wife to take care of him. I dunno. I got shivers. I was feeling so excited until the exclusivity decision.

    I guess I hear a bit of remorse in your post about your single life. I feel curious if this is truly what you want. I feel like Debbie Downer given your excitement. This is MY trigger. I just won’t do the girlfriend thing again. I want a ring on my finger. Period. Until I’m ready to have one and a man is ready to give me one, then I’ll just date.

  330.  #330Daria on December 15, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I just brushed my skin again, and did the nani wash with the herbs the acupuncturist man gave me.

    I was sitting down on my bed, and I glanced at my closet mirror.

    And I was suddenly struck by how undeniably beautiful the fat on my belly was.

    It was rolling out there, I looked like the rolls of the atila the hut that alien from star wars. It was so much of it… compared to the rest of my body.

    and it looked BEAUTIFUL I mean really beautiful. it looked like GODDESSness. I wanted to make love to those belly rolls that were not in proportion with the rest of my body

    I am in tears

    I feel frustrated writing. I just want to draw it. It was so beautiful.

    Looks like a small tiny curve for the butt. and so much donut rolls making up a tummy

    the OPPOSITE of what I try to make my body look like. and usually i turn a differnt angle, stick my butt out a little, stretch out my tummy, pull it in.




    thank you.

  331.  #331Daria on December 15, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Damn shes a sexy chick. ooh. a sexy chicck

  332.  #332gina on December 16, 2009 at 1:59 am

    thanks ladies. I actually don’t feel “excited” in an ecstatic way. I feel curious. I don’t feel totally sold on exclusivity either. I told him I would try it out to see how it feels. so far, it feels a little like pressure, and that’s probably why I cried. but then I went to work all 3 of my jobs today, and I thought, man it’d be nice to be taken care of. and it was nice to receive his texts throughout the day about how he’s missing me – especially since I know he’s busy, and i appreciate that he is taking the time to make me feel special. When he said that he likes me as much as he possibly could after 3 dates, it felt like he really meant it – it felt positive, not negative. At this point, I could take it or leave it. I do not feel attached at this point, I feel pursued.

  333.  #333Tracy on December 16, 2009 at 6:32 am

    I feel so good reading your story……sounds like a terrific guy….I love that you are curious about what will happen next and it really feels like you are being a rockstar about it!…Yay…feel excited about reading more about how it turns out…..

  334.  #334Dineen Roeller on December 16, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Hi Rori
    I’ve just purchased the Holiday DVD Set and at the end of purchase, a bonus tutorial was made available. I downloaded the Reader then was unable to get past that stage of process. I was unable to return to that part of the site and hoped that you could make it available to me again. I would appreciate it very much, I would like to have it and I know it will touch base with me personally.

    Thank you so very much,

  335.  #335Robin on December 16, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    I may be late for this but LJ, it will get easier
    I work with my ex also, and I know when he started seeing other women, and bringing them with him, I felt terrible…

    But the truth is it DOES require you to be a rock star, and its a GREAT opportunity to practice.

    I set out practicing Rori’s tools to get him back, but that didnt work, because it was still about him…

    So now you can be bold and fearless and practice the tools and heal yourself right there, with him in your presence possibly, and you really WILL feel like a GODDDESS ROCKSTAR!!

    And 4 months is nothing after that long, this does take some time, simply because we were not taught to do these things.

    It feels really interesting now, but I was seriously contemplating leaving and finding another job, all b/c of this ONE man…and I realized that leaving behind so many others that I loved (that loved me back), all b/c of how I felt for HIM…just wasn’t worth it…

    And in that moment, the space happened for better quality men to show up, and now I feel HAPPY that it all happened the way it did, and more importantly, that I didnt leave my job…

    And he just got boring to me, its like what he has to offer are scraps, that I feel like laughing at, its like are you kidding??

    I dont think so….

  336.  #336Lisa on December 18, 2009 at 5:43 pm


    My mom loves teh thrill and dated a felon for many years. It was crazy, but they both were. She loves the excitement and the rollercoaster. But guys who’ve been in jail are often playas — they know how to get what they need, and will play one off of another if that’s what it takes. For me, I’d ditch jail boy, but you may be like my mom, and dig the thrill.

    Just a quick story from an 80-yr-old Southern friend. He remembers the family’s maid getting a phone call from the jail; her man needed bailing out. Her response was memorable: “I loves him, but I DON’ loves him 50 dollar worth!” Click. ‘Nuff said.

  337.  #337christine on December 19, 2009 at 6:40 am

    Hi Rory,

    Do you ever do private counselling or phone sessions? I’m much better one on one than listening to tapes and cds…..I already have these.

    I’d love to know! Thanks.

  338.  #338Rori Raye on December 20, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Christine, Welcome, and I replied to you personally about the coaching…Love, Rori

  339.  #339Alicia on March 24, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    (This was in my peronal email) GOOD READ!

    Tip #1. Debating Your Way Back Into Love Won’t Work
    I hate to break it to you, but you can’t logically win your exback. Love is about feelings and emotions and NOT about logic. Even if you come up with the most convincing reasons why the two of you should still be together, it won’t register with your ex. Inorder to get your ex back into your arms, they have to bere-attracted to you.

    TIp #2. Don’t Be Needy
    Have you ever heard of the phrase “the hungry dog doesn’t get fed?”Well this is essentially the reason why so many people have a hardtime getting their ex back. When it comes to attracting theopposite sex (and especially in re-attracting your ex), the personwho has the most options and who cares the least usually will havethe balance of power shifted to their favor. When you pour allyour feelings on the table and BEG your ex to take you back, youare literally pushing them further away from you. This is a verycounter-intuitive concept, but the harder you “try” to get your exback, the worse your chances are of succeeding.

    Tip #3. Rebound Fling Rebound flings (Another option girls – Circular Dating)
    are normally risky business so proceed with caution.But if you can find another mate to take your mind off your ex fora short period of time, you’ll be in a MUCH better position to getyour ex back. Why is this? Because what normally goes on after abreakup is the person who wants their ex back tends tends to OBSESS over their ex. Their heads are jam packed with thoughts abouttheir ex and the result of this is coming off as extremelydesperate when you’re around your ex. The best way to get aroundthis is to find a rebound fling that can take your mind away fromyour ex for a bit of time, in order to get your head back onstraight. That way, once you go back and talk to your ex, youwon’t be coming from a position of neediness.

    Tip #4. Stay Away From The Booze.
    I know for some of you, Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo are the 2people that you turn to for comfort at times like these, but stayaway! Drinking causes one to drunk dial and drunk dialing leads towell… saying things we regret the next morning. If you’re exdoesn’t pick up the phone, we tend to call again… and again…and yet again after that. Now how attractive is it to your exwhen they heard 7 drunken messages from you on their voicemail?

    Tip #5. Work On Yourself
    This piece of advice is on every “Get Your Ex Back” book on theplanet, but I’m going to say it anyway. After a breakup, in orderto get yourself back on your feet and in a better position tore-attract your ex, invest some time and energy on working onyourself. Instead of thinking of reasons why the two of you shouldbe back together, make yourself more attractive to them by improving yourself.

  340.  #340Kayleigh on September 7, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Rori, thank you for producing fantastic work and helping got full woman with confidence all over the world! I have been receiving the daily emails and taking all your advice.

    I work with my ex and he broke up with me just over 2 months ago. As I have to see him daily, I have changed my life since the break up. I am back into competing in sports, wear dresses – never did before, heels in the office everyday – used to be flat shoes, had my hair cut and coloured and wear it down – used to tie it up.

    My life is all about me ;o)

    I’m also circular dating and meeting men everywhere!!! THANK YOU! I’m the happiest I have been in a long time!

    But HE’S still around. Uh… Anyone have any advice on how to deal with him? Every now and then he tries to chat at work, but I purposely don’t engage. I feel like a bitch as on a few occasions he’s made me coffee and left it on my desk. I don’t return the favour, I find myself making coffee for my team, but don’t offer him.

    I am looking for a new job, but in the meantime I don’t know what‘s the best way to behave around him. Do I be myself which is smiley and friendly or continue to avoid and ignore him?