What To Do When an Old Love Calls

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questionmarkHere’s a question from Mary, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been contacted by an old love who’s now “suddenly free.” It’s hard to know what to do…you want to give it a chance, and yet you want to protect yourself. Mary works through this just brilliantly, and I’ll help, too:

“Rori, Hello. I’ve been reading the blog for a while, and I’d love, love, love! to hear some advice for my particular situation. I can’t figure out how to post the situation other than in the comment box, so please pardon me for a deviation from the topic.

I’m single and my very first love contacted me to say that his wife filed for divorce. He’s out looking at houses, so he can move out, and would love to see me, as he has some business in a city near me. I actually have a business conference booked there during the time he’ll be there (pure coincidence), and at first I told him I’d see him. (He offered dinner.) It didn’t sit well with me, though, because he’s still married and living with his wife. I emailed him and told him that I’d like him to make a decision first – either way! And to take his time. Then I’d love to catch up with him when the crises is over. If he stays with his wife, maybe next time they’re in town, I can show them around. If not, we’ll have that dinner.

This is a guy I have loved since we were kids. We call each other on our birthdays, just to say hi, and we talk for about two or three minutes, always very respectful of our home situations. I know that if he does get divorced, every woman will want him. But I also know that before he marries any of them, he’ll want to see me first. Just to know for sure.

So I feel confidant to wait. And another reason for waiting is that kids always add things up and dates are important to them. If we didn’t see each other until AFTER he moves out, then if it does work out, everyone is happy. That makes sense to me.

But I hesitate about seeing him, and it’s not too late to change my mind, because it’s like I’m supposing that I know his motives. I’m imagining that it would be a date if we had dinner. Maybe he’s not thinking that at all! Maybe he’d just like to see me to say hi, after all these years. Or maybe he just needs support because he’s going through a rough time. So it’s almost embarrassing to say that I’d rather wait, because I’m the one who is interested in him, and that makes it painfully obvious. Almost like telling him too much.

He is going to ask me again. The conference is two weeks away. What do you think of this scenario? I’d really welcome your answer, Rori and feedback from anyone else.”

Here’s my answer:

Mary, I LOVE your speech, your language, your thinking around this.

First off, his WIFE filed for divorce. So, you have no idea if he’s still into her and being dumped, or if he’s unhappy and finally created the divorce.

If you were able to see him as a “friend” – which is possibly all this is…or a “look see” for him now that he’s about to be single – then you’d be fine seeing him…your vibe would be “friend.” But by expressing that there’s more to it for you, and you don’t even wish to START with this “friends” business, but want to consider any meeting with him as a “date” – it’s all clear, on the table, and upfront.

Very, very good for you.

Now – you’re really going to have to go deep inside you and see what feels GOOD for you to do – pass on this, or show up with NO AGENDA other than to track yourself and make sure you feel good throughout the experience.

Here are some possible scenarios:

1. Generally, if you want a man, generally being physically in the same place is the only way to even start a possible connection. So one scenario would be – you see him, and he “gets” you right away (it’s the “dream” scenario) – and you’re on track to Happy Ever After with him.

I’ve actually seen this happen – with a client who met her now husband two weeks after his wife passed away from a long bout with cancer.  He just KNEW she was the one the moment he saw her.

But this man already KNOWS YOU. So there are more possibilities.

You have no way to know how it will go for him, but, because you know him and love him, you have lots of hopes, dreams and mental analysis around this – all of which work against you feeling “free and easy” around it.

2. If you chose NOT to see him, one scenario might be that he just goes on dreaming bigger and bigger about you (isn’t that the way it goes for all of us?) – until he’s ready to actually see and actually experience a woman, rather than be led by his desperation, loneliness, fear, anger or desire to explore his new freedom – and then you are, as you say here, starting from a much better place.

3. If you DO see him now – and after all his “imagining” of you and in his present state (whatever it is) he doesn’t have an instantaneous “you are the one” feeling for you, he’ll still have to go through his process, and you’ll possibly be left feeling weird about it all.

4. If you DO see him now – he could have a great moment where he DOES “get” that “you’re the one” – and then, back to Scenario #1 with Happy Ever After.

So – how do you decide? Analytically, it’s a total toss-up – there’s no way to KNOW what’s “best.”

There IS no best. No right or wrong, no strategy.

The only way you can go here is by following the way you YOU FEEL – and yet, we all know, you will be feeling different things at different times. And you may second guess yourself and change your mind a hundred times – because, again,  there simply IS no right or wrong here.

It’s important, then, for you to know, really KNOW, that whatever you do – it will not be the end of the world or the relationship, and if you can be curious and open, and practicing – you will be fine no matter what your decision.

If you can use the situation to practice your Tools, to satisfy your own curiosity, to experiment, engage and experience – to take a chance, to see how you FEEL when you’re in his presence – you’ll be fine no matter what happens, and your “vibe” will be lovely, and you’ll feel strong and powerful, and you’ll be able to see exactly what’s up with this man instead of “dreaming” about him yourself.

If you decide to see him, and you’re NOT feeling good about it, but you can’t put your finger on it exactly (you can’t tell whether you feel uncomfortable because of his stuff or because of your own stuff),  just don’t let yourself hang with him if you start to feel yourself being “used” in some way as a “stepping stone” for him to get over his wife and get out into the world.

Don’t pretend, don’t be “cool” if you don’t FEEL cool, and don’t make idle conversation or allow it to be superficial.

If you see him, use the experience to practice Feeling Messages, to look for the Message HE’S bringing you, and to feel how it is you feel.

Make the experience real for you, instead of Imaginary.

IF you do whatever you do for THESE reasons – for your own experience and growth and knowledge about yourself and the world (and then get up and call the evening short if it DOESN’T feel like a good experience) – you can’t EVER go wrong.

Let me know what you do, and how it went…and don’t stress too much about your decision. Just work at keeping yourself in the wonderful self-focused place you are in this comment (and “confusion” is a totally okay place to be, even sitting at the table with him…as long as you’re aware of feeling it and are willing to allow your feelings to move and morph and be acknowledged and shared by you…) – no matter what…

Love, Rori

98 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on October 31, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    wow, rori. i feel amazed that i am always still learning from you, your experience, your wisdom and your sharing.

    Wow, for some reason this post really resonated with me and i feel very good to have read it.

    i feel really really good with my new normal, and my better life and my love of self (LOVE OF SELF!) and just everything —since practicing and using all these rori tools and also from the priviliged of being on siren island.

    i feel grateful. thank you.

    i feel loving. 🙂



  2.  #2Katie on October 31, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Firstly to say thanks for the welcome to alias girl and Rori (in previous posts comments). I felt so warm and hugged when I read your words <3.

    This post is great advice about how to approach a future meeting and about how to do some real authentic preparation. I find myself obsessing about my next meeting with my ex (of 3 months). I’ve been going over and round the scenarios that could result. I have seen him a few times since then, hoping that we would just fall into eachothers arms – dream on girl!!

    In reality I know I need time to do some work on myself first because I know so deeply that i want this man back. I don’t know how it will work out, the next time i see him, but I want to know that I have given it the best shot I could. Then I can walk away from him and the dream of ‘us’ knowing that it was just not meant to be. It is scary to think that our vibe – how we are inside – is so causative. It’s about conscious living from the inside to the outside.

    I am utterly amazed and inspired by the insights here and Rori’s tools and advice. Yes I must start practicing on men I don’t care about in situations that are easier. Referring to recent split with my guy, I said I felt devastated and I read comments again and realised I want to feel deva-stated!

    So yeah, ‘Modern Siren’ next and learn more about the strong on the inside soft and inviting on the outside. Thanks so much xxx



  3.  #3Cassandra on October 31, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Rori….again this post so hit home for me too! Thank you. I wanted to share something that happened last night that I was actually completely unaware of until this morning but is a HUGE leap forward for me and feels wonderful. I feel excited about this and so good that this happened. Ever since Charles and I have been together – of course we are not together now – but ever since we met we have talked to one another first thing in the morning, during the day and right before bed. This was before I moved here…..once I was here and even since I moved out. I have often wondered why he still calls as he made it clearer than crystal and he DOES NOT WANT ME…those are his words by the way, yet he still calls EVERY DAY! Anyway…..last night I was so tired and really just wanted to be home…take my bubble bath and curl up on the couch and watch tv. I did that and got a few things together as my dream bedroom set was arriving first thing this morning so I ironed my bedskirt to put it on as soon as the furniture movers set up my set. I was totally into doing what made ME feel good with absolutely NO thought whatsoever of Charles….what he was doing…who he was with…none of that. I ended up going on to bed and got up early this morning and it was not until 7:30 that I realized that I did not talk to him last night before bed. That is the first time since we have known one another that we have not talked before bed. The HUGE part for me though was the fact that I didn’t even notice that I had not heard from him or spoken to him until 7:30 this morning! That may seem like nothing to some but to me this was HUGE. I didn’t even think about him….he did not cross my mind even for a second last night. I feel excited because I feel like this is a HUGE step forward for me and it feels great!

    Love to all….
    Cass



  4.  #4alias girl on October 31, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    yae! cassandra! hah!

    “if he is not in front of you, he doesn’t exist!”

    i feel good hearing about your new bedroom in your new little home for yourself too. i just know you’re going to make your place super cute!

    yae cassandra!!



  5.  #5Daria on October 31, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    just saw a pic of guy who had a baby and his baby’s mom and their baby

    well i feel a lil jealous the girl looks like a normal natural girl and i feel jealous i am imparting all sorts of amazing goddess qualities to her which is cool for her i guess

    i am going to decided that that means i am also imparting those goddess qualities to myself



  6.  #6Daria on October 31, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    maybe i should go out tonite im feeling lazy and bored and don’t know if i want to go out by myself or what



  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Brava Cassandra!!!! Love, Rori



  8.  #8alias girl on October 31, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    I had a dream this morning and in my dream Tom Cruise was pursuing me. His contract to Katie Holmes had dissolved and he was intensely interested in making me happy. It was very weird. Even in the dream it was weird because I was still me and Tom Cruise was Tom Cruise. And he showed me this picture from a catalogue of this huge house and he said that he was buying this house for me. And I was amazed and shocked.

    In the dream I was very turned on by Tom. I had the feelings toward him that I felt when I was in school for a type of boy that was ‘out of my league’ that I could never get. And I felt so surprised that Tom Cruise was so into me.

    But I felt good. I had good feelings in this dream.

    And also my old job had hired me back EXCEPT Tom Cruise had spoken with my boss and so the whole dynamic was different and now I was treated very respectfully, almost like I was somebody “important.” Probably the Tom Cruise factor. And also I was moved to a different part of the office and was now more part of the people ‘in charge’.

    🙂

    It was a really good dream. I feel very laughing just thinking about it now. 🙂 hee hee 🙂



  9.  #9Tina on October 31, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Cassandra, I am so happy to hear that you are in a much better place.

    I went out with my official non date date, I dancee with some other man, really scruffy looking guy, he seemed to be into me lol but of course. My official non romantic date felt upset/pissed off that I was dancing so he went out for some fresh air. He was upset that I danced with a bum lol. He didnt act out just laughed and looked at me, muttering things I couldnt understand. I said I felt confused. He said why? I said your not making any sense, Im not sure if your speaking to me or not. He just smiled at me leaning against his car, I leaned against the vehicle parked beside us. He said he was in trouble, I asked why, he said nevermind, I had a great time tonight listening to you sing, I said thank you. We had coffee on the way home he was unusually quiet, normally very entertaining. Goddess Power! hehe.

    My date for for early next week, said yes he felt uncomfortable that we didnt get to meet and that I dumped him before he could meet me and was awkward talking on the phone. He is going to be a handfull for me next week. I have a class in town so I will meet him for coffee during the day.



  10.  #10Tina on October 31, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    During my non romantic date, I was curious about how it would feel to kiss him. I did level 2 listening then thought oh what would that feel like , I looked at his lips as he spoke, I said nah, I just need a friend today to hang out with. A friendly face and entertaining man, I really do like hanging out with him. We talked about personal space, he said sometimes I just want to touch you, dont take it the wrong way ok, I said oh



  11.  #11Tina on October 31, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Clocks go back tonight!



  12.  #12Tina on October 31, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I recieved a comment about my profile, he said “oh so your going to date like 5 guys and pick the best one?’ in a sarcastic sounding email, I said in my reply, I guess you’ll never know. I was feeling a bit Craaaazy.



  13.  #13Tina on October 31, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    OMG, this was the perfect time to practice the tools about turning and recieving gifts from thousands of me today, My non date date brought me some gifts of crystal bowls, candy, chinease tea and shredded coconut, I said oooooooh thank you, I smiled then did a turn and imagined thousands of me looking at me with gifts for me, I smiled when I turned back. was an awesome feeling.



  14.  #14Daria on November 1, 2009 at 3:34 am

    ok did go out by myself… felt ok and kind of inspired to text this guy ‘what are you doing’ meanwhile my girl was at a club

    then i was kinda wanting to hang out with him and eventually i did

    i felt very relaxed like stuff was gonna turn out good

    then he wanted me to go home with him at the end he has a flirty style like man who has a baby and it feels interesting to practice

    i am starting to feel attracted to him which is nice hehe

    oh

    remember how i did that little video to eliminate my belief of “you’re not good enough”? and i wasn’t sure it worked but i gave the link and stuff

    well it worked

    like… its weird… i still have some of the i feel scared of people looking at me cuz its dangerous

    but i dont feel like im not good enough anymore… like ill even check with myself and a part of myself says wait
    you dont have that anymore remember?? and then its all easy to do stuff… im not “trying” its just happening

    so it worked

    i just watched a 30 min free video

    thank you GOD

    keep the miracles coming!

    right on!

    im gonna watch the free “failure and mistakes are bad” one and then think about ordering the social anxiety pack

    can u imagine me with no social anxiety?

    look out world



  15.  #15Daria on November 1, 2009 at 3:36 am

    Tina love imagining men giving you gifts and I do it too gonna do it some more now yum



  16.  #16Daria on November 1, 2009 at 4:05 am

    My Holloween Costume was called

    HOT PINK GHETTO MESS!!!

    you can see it by clicking on my name right HEA



  17.  #17Soignée on November 1, 2009 at 4:54 am

    If I had this type of situation, I would do in this way. I would go out with him. But for a SHORT meeting. Not certainly the whole evening with a restaurant. I would the first who ends the evening. The first one. I would come to see how he is. I would see what he wants.
    I can imagine that the men they usually look for some comfort after divorce, ending their relationships. And they want to speak up their problems. And you can get some type of “sister, friend, psychotherapist”. But if you have a short appointment with him, you will see what he wants. I would be soft, feminine and the most important thing, I would be happy, not to meet him, but happy generally, maybe I would think of something beautiful before meeting him. To be on the way of lightness and happiness. I would do some menthal exercises to feel a gooddess. And if he starts to tell you and go deep into his problems, please avoid these topics. Tell him, I understand and I am sure a man like you will manage them. And go to another topic.

    I made a mistake of my big love. I listened to his problems, I got his counselor, I was so good, I was understanding. Yes, he loved me. But as soon, as his ex woman came back, I had to disappear, because I was not his family. So please do not be a good understanding sister-girl. The love to friends and sister is a different type of love to girlfriend.

    And if he wants after that to see you again, you HAVE TO settle your own standards. He will respect. you.

    But the most important thing. Do not get lost into love for him and do not forget yourself. Get lost into the love to you and the world and the life generally. He is not the whole world for you. Try to make you happy.



  18.  #18Linda on November 1, 2009 at 9:24 am

    “Dont pretend, dont be cool if you dont FEEL cool”

    “If you see him use the experience to practice feeling messages, see what message he is bringing you and how about it YOU feel”

    “Make the experience real for you instead of imaginary”

    These are great words to remember for me. I am adding this to my “ALWAYS DO LIST”

    My ALWAYS DO LIST is getting bigger. When I read it I feel a bit concerned that I will become so rigid and the hoops a man will have to jump through to get to be with me too hard. But…. that comes from the part of me that is unconfident and will sit in the corner hoping someone will throw me a crumb and is content with them. I have been looking at that part of me. I DONT LIKE HER. She does not get to make any decisions for me and who gets to have my attention. She has lost control of getting to make decisions for me period.

    As for this post, my experience has proven, that a man needs time to get his thoughts, heart and life together. I think HE needs to do it ALONE. I know it would be good to hear from him, really good. Escpecially if you had respectfully carried a torch for him all these years. ing this pain in your life. Divorce and change is hard. My every rememberance of you is good and even wondered about “what ifs” in the past. However, reality and experience tells me that he will need time to sort out feelings, get his emotional bearings and feet under him too…..

    Let him do it and see where the dice fall and in the meantime you have not invested your heart into something that, no matter how noble or selfless, or pure love motivated it is, wont necessarily yield the desired relationship you wish to have.

    Keep it real, and protect yourself.

    Linda

    Linda



  19.  #19nikita on November 1, 2009 at 11:31 am

    I feel disconnected from this post. I feel afraid that since Rori is always magically intuitively on time with these messages my ex might surface….I feel scared of my ex surfacing…I feel bleh….reuniting feels so lackluster and anti-climatic..how many times do I have to be reminded that he never steps up? blech!
    I don’t know what I’d do…probably stare at my phone in horror….and watch it ring…..then wish we just never broke up and hurt eachother..repeatedly…but I can’t time-travel…..so …….blech.



  20.  #20alias girl on November 1, 2009 at 11:35 am

    soignee i felt good to read your words. thank you.
    tina thank you for reminding me about that tool. that does feel really good. especially good, i imagine, that you are doing it While a man is actually giving you gifts!
    daria i love your halloween costume! i feel fun and daring to see it!!



  21.  #21FEMENERGYLOVE on November 1, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    like mary my ex and i still exchange a few words on our birthday.my sister just told me now to quit hoping he will ever want me back.felt my heart go cold and sink in my chest.guess that hope was always there.there will be no more birthday messages.it only serves to fuel my hopeless hope of meeting and everything being okay again.i feel a big gaping hole in my chest.



  22.  #22FEMENERGYLOVE on November 1, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    but if i cant see him then he doesnt exist right?that makes me feel better.off to go delete photo’s emails etc. ugh…



  23.  #23Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Daria, Could you repost those links? I would like to see those…

    Cassandra, That is really great! You are so inspirational…I want to be able to not think about him.

    I came home crying–no, sobbing–again. I learned a lot this weekend. I feel clammed up and quiet because he’s one foot in, one foot out! That makes me feel really nervous and squirelly and so of course it’s super hard to relax and be myself. So it’s not a deficiency of mine, it’s just the way it is because I can’t feel good and open if I don’t know which way he’s going to go. So that’s just one more reason why circular dating is so important for me. I had to let one guy go this weekend too–had to tell him I really like talking to him and I love that he’s so kind but I don’t want to drag things out because I don’t feel that we are compatible. He asked what he was missing and I said that he wasn’t missing anything I just didn’t feel a spark. He said okay, thank you and good luck. And it wasn’t bad. I felt like I was honoring myself by saying that I didn’t feel like we were compatible.

    I didn’t honor myself by having sex with Chris. Twice. Oh god, I feel so embarrassed typing this. The first night we didn’t have any condoms and so I WALKED to the grocery store next door and bought condoms. Yes, I was a little bit drunk. The second night, really drunk. And it felt good, but I felt TERRIBLE afterwards. And I still do. I feel so like beating myself up for being the one to go get the condoms–goddesses don’t do that, right? AND for having sex when I SAID I didn’t want to. But I DO!! I want to have sex with someone who I feel passion for who feels passion for me and who wants to make me feel good first. I can’t have casual sex. And it feels casual with Chris because he’s not committed to me. Yuck. I feel so humiliated! Ugh. Why do I keep doing shit like this? I don’t know…I felt disconnected and cheap. BUT I was drunk, so maybe I can chalk it up to that. Not that it makes it better…oh shit, I feel so conflicted. On one hand I feel super scared about having sex when I know it makes me even more bonded. I need romance and love. But on the other hand I just want sex as sex because it feels good. But to have that I have to have the base of security and the love and romance. I need to feel trustful that he loves me and is into me so that I CAN have the other stuff.

    I don’t really know what to say. I don’t know if it would feel good to go visit him in Minnesota next weekend the way he wants me to. I feel conflicted again. Dear god, please allow me to go to Minneapolis soon so I can get the new phase of my life going.



  24.  #24Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    I want to believe that there are super hot guys who I can still feel relaxed with EVERYWHERE. I want to believe I will have someone who is super attractive to me but who also has all the good guy qualities I want and is still exciting and interesting to be with.



  25.  #25Mary Ann on November 1, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Bethany, you rock…its awesome to admit the things you think are embarrassing, I do the same kinds of things and then beat myself up for it afterward.
    I just went for a walk to think and came up with I really should learn to drink less, stay away from the temptation. The two together and the only person who ends up feeling like dirt is me. All for some temporary gratification…non-commitment based sex is the fuel for imaginary relationships…false closeness and fake love. That’s all I’ve gotten for so long I don’t know how to tell the difference anymore.

    On my walk I ran into someone I knew from a long time ago. He grew up with some people I knew, and he asked me if he could buy be dinner. I said no…he’s a addict of some kind, but harmless. First dinner offer in months…ha…should I have said yes?

    I’m just so blah today…blah, blah , blah.



  26.  #26Linda on November 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    I totally know what it feels like to not feel like you can just be yourself. The last man I was with (if you want to call it that)… kept me off balance. Not knowing if we were on or off. I wish I could have overcome that and just been me, but can we really?…Is that possible. When you care for someone and your heart is involved is it possible?

    I do believe that there is someone out there for me. His heart is ready to love. He will invite me to be me and be satisfied with nothing less. I cant wait to meet him. How, where, I dont know. I hope he hurries, I am ready for the real thing.. no more practicing.

    Linda



  27.  #27Mary Ann on November 1, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    lol…my fortune cookie of the day said this:

    Hearts are not to be had as a gift, hearts are to be earned. W.B. Yeats



  28.  #28Tina on November 1, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I’m going through all the men in my life and “feeling” what it is I liked or was drawn to about their charactor, nature, job, whatever, I’ll pick one thing and list them hehe. I stealing treats out of my sons treat bag too.

    1. I like his carefree recklessness
    2. I liked his generousity
    3. I liked his out there crazy thinking and fck it attitude
    4. His money
    5. I liked his protectiveness
    6. I enjoyed having sex with him 🙂
    7. His dont give up attitude even though I’m wont date him.
    8. I liked his funny humor
    9. his very calm still spirit
    10. The way he dressed
    11. His dumbness
    12. He gave me my first rose
    13. His (pot) well back in the day long time ago
    14. His looks, his manly man look
    15.his artistic, music abilities

    ah well, these are just some of things I did find attractive , my mind is starting to wander to the things I didnt like. I wanna role all this into one GOOD MAN kinda like a tootie roll. I got to lay off this candy. I’m drinking my jamsine tea!

    I have a date tuesday and he said that he felt like I broke up with him and didnt even hold his hand! He’s pissing me off already, he said he wants to see if there is “chemistry” lol I feel chemistry with everyone I meet. I think he means sexual chemistry lol.



  29.  #29Heather on November 1, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    my first love … since high school! he is a great guy; amazing that we are still friends, he was invited to my wedding and my mother told him “i always thought this would be you”. After my short-lived marriage (about 1-1/2 yrs) he was still my friend. And then about 5 years after that, I was invited to his wedding. His wife is a great lady. Love them both.

    It’s always respectful and boundaries are always noted. And the intimacy is there. And I would never consider taking it anywhere else with him. Never. This friendship feels safe and solid to me.

    I feel conflicted that I keep this friendship for all of my adult life… especially when it bothers me SO much when my bf talks to his ex. But somehow that feels very different to me – it is like she won’t let it go and I feel like strangling her and him at the same time whenever it happens. Maybe it’s because how I have experienced it… late at night, etc. Thankfully it has not happened recently, and hopefully not again.

    Now I feel happy, I feel refreshed and about to make a new start. I love all this talk about dreaming of receiving from men.

    My birthday passed last week. I’ve taken a baby step with circular dating via facebook friends. On the day of my bday, I received about 50 wishes from friends – some of them i know very well, others I’ve never even met in person, but have had some sort of dialog.

    My boyfriend took me to dinner the night before and of my bday. On the night before, there was a Halloween party, and the bartender was the same person from the night that my bf and I met — almost 6 years ago. He poured champagne, and it all felt really magical to me – very much like deja vu. I felt really happy, and they surprised me with a cake, and I was surrounded by friends.

    November to me is a great time. A time for purging old things that no longer work, and dreaming up new wishes. I feel excited!

    XO to all the sirens on here.
    -Heather



  30.  #30Ann on November 1, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Reading these post and comments makes me wonder how it would feel “to open my heart to feel only the good feelings each experience and person brings to me.”



  31.  #31Daria on November 1, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Bethany –

    the method is called the Lefkoe method by the guy who invented it.

    Today I was driving around wishing I could do “I’m not capable” because that feels to me like it’s holding me back the most from “doing” stuff.

    So lo and behold today he offers another free one and it’s I’m not capable.

    yay.

    waiting for my dad to get done here so i can have some private time and do this one

    http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/belief7a.php



  32.  #32nikita on November 1, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Mary ann.

    thank you for this;

    Hearts are not to be had as a gift, hearts are to be earned. W.B. Yeats

    🙂

    tell a friend!



  33.  #33Mary Ann on November 1, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    you’re welcome Nikita 🙂



  34.  #34alias girl on November 1, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    i feel like stabbing myself in the heart. i am not going to do it so no need to get unsettled or call 911. i am just saying. i FEEL such intense self loathing in this particular moment in time that i feel like stabbing myself in the heart.

    and i feel crying. and i feel heat leaving my body. and i feel weird that i even feel this, because my mind doesn’t think this.

    my body feels this.

    my mind thinks my body is a little nutso right now because my mind is quite assured that life is good.

    but my body feels heat and sobbing.

    i feel ashamed to submit this comment, these words, on this website for everyone to judge. but watch me press the little submit button.

    what—i’m the only one who’s ever felt like this? oh, ok, i doubt it. i love my aquired shame that is not my own that i have taken on from other people who have self loathing trapped in their psyche.

    it is UNNATURAL. self loathing is an UNNATURAL state of being. that is why it feels so bad.

    it is a LIE.



  35.  #35nikita on November 1, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Sending you lots of love alias girl ,
    lots and lots of love . . .

    xxnikita



  36.  #36Robin on November 1, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Wow, so perfect and true for ANY moment we are in the middle of in which we don’t know what to do….

    I absolutely LOVE this!!!!

    Alias Girl, you are so right, its a lie. You’re SO loved! Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!



  37.  #37Ann on November 1, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    HUGS Alias Girl. I’m glad you feel safe to say how you’re feeling. I hope you feel better soon.



  38.  #38Mary Ann on November 1, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    hugs AG…my body feels thick sorrow, my heart feels like its already been stabbed…but I’m the one who did this to me…no one else…yes…this is unnatural



  39.  #39Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Alias Girl, big hugs. I feel touched by your honesty. You are not alone–I feel like that right now too.

    I feel so confused. I get mixed up about what is “right” and “true” a lot. Like, I don’t know if I’m right to feel this way/react this way(I want to be responsive and not reactive) and I feel like I made a lot of mistakes this weekend. A lot. Big ones. Big big mistakes that I feel like cringing at. I wonder if I don’t do these tools right or if they don’t work for me.

    I need help. I feel so bad about all this waiting I’ve done/am doing EVEN though I’m “circular dating.” I feel stuck and trapped. I feel like he’s pulling away from me even more now that we had sex. It sucks. I feel like all I do is complain…I want to say how bad I feel about having sex when we’re drunk and don’t know what we’re doing but I don’t know how. I feel desperate and clingy and needy. Needy needy needy. I feel so awkward and rejected. I feel like I’m not worth a whole lot right now. I feel like I’ll always be alone. I don’t want to feel so sad. I feel so ineffectual. I feel like I can’t keep my apartment clean, I can’t keep up with lesson planning and grading papers, I can’t keep up with working so many hours, I can’t keep up with circular dating, I can’t keep up with exercising, I can’t keep up with not running myself into the ground emotionally. I feel obsessed and unattractive and not cute. I feel fat. I feel tired. I feel all the bad feelings I’ve ever felt. I feel grief and loss and I feel out of control. I feel bad about myself. I don’t want to go visit him. I don’t want to drive 10 hours. I don’t want to feel unloved and untouched. I don’t want to complain but I feel bottom of the barrel low today. I want to have guys pursuing me. I want to kick Chris out of my rotation because it’s become too hard. It’s too much effort to drive to him when he won’t drive to see me. It’s too hot and cold. I feel too attached. I feel too angry. It feels too late. I feel like I screwed it all up. I feel like if I didn’t TRY to lean back so much it would have worked. I am not having that much fun with him. I blamed myself and my inability to do the tools well enough, but what if it’s him? What if I’m okay and HE is the boring one because he is NOT interested in getting into my head and heart? I feel confused because I feel that he cares for me but what if it’s just not enough? What the hell am I going to do to fill my time to get my focus off him?
    1. Date–if guys ask me out! Match.com is silent right now.
    2. Class–teaching and grading.
    3. Exercising–I want to buy a swimming suit and start swimming
    4. Eating well–making gluten free recipes and staying on top of my shopping. Yogurt, probiotics, lots of greens and fruits.
    5. Sleeping. I want to go to bed early like 10 p.m.
    6. Artist’s Way stuff
    7. Job searching in Minneapolis.
    8. Get a cat. I would like a puppy, but I can’t have one because it would bark and I’m not supposed to have pets but a cat could make me feel so much less lonely.
    9. Call my friends.
    10. Pick up my apartment

    I feel unmotivated and tired. I feel like this weekend changed things. I feel like I’m not lying to myself. I don’t know. I feel all my cells aching with exhaustion and confusion.



  40.  #40Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    For all my efforts to type myself into feeling better, I still feel like crap. He said “I like you so much…and I worry about what is going to happen…I don’t know where I’ll be and where you’ll be…” Well if he’s already uncommitted, what kind of weird thing is that? Is he trying to get away from me and still be really really nice? I don’t know. I feel obsessed and confused. I feel really down on myself right now.



  41.  #41Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Nights are really, really hard. I feel so depleted. I hope he doesn’t call me tonight because I don’t feel like I could not pick up the phone and I also don’t feel like talking tonight. I feel so drained. I feel like a deflated Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to talk to Chris and feel all these horrible feelings about having had sex like a banshee with him while intoxicated. I feel soooooooooooo icky about that. I feel low and down and really really sad that I can’t let myself go drive to see him anymore. I feel so sad for letting myself down. I was so ready to be vigilant and alert and stick up for myself but then I don’t. I make the big, big, big mistakes and I’m not even sure the lesson is worth learning. I don’t care if I have all the self-knowledge in the world if I am unable to separate that out from all the pain. I don’t know what else to do. Is a speech in order? I feel resistant to that because I feel like all I’ve been doing is complaining. I try hard to express myself but I feel sick of expressing my disappointment. This does not feel fun anymore. I feel gross. I feel angry that it has to be my decision to break it off. Do I want to? No. But I don’t want to go drive to him anymore. At all. I don’t care if he’s in the state and it’s meeting him halfway.



  42.  #42Bethany on November 1, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    Daria–Thanks for posting that.

    I’m not going to drink anymore. I feel so sure that I would not have had sex with Chris–or gone to BUY CONDOMS, for christ’s sake–if I had not had any alcohol in me. I feel like a cheap slut. I feel like one of those girls in the skimpy Halloween costumes–not special, just trashy and common. I feel not expensive and like not using correct grammar. I feel like such a loser right now.

    Oh my God.

    I have to physically keep my body away from him. I can’t go see him or we will have sex. I will feel guilty. I will feel like this again. And again. And again. I have to stop. Just stop. I may never see him again and that feels terrible. If he doesn’t come visit me, it’s not going to happen. I screwed it all up because I don’t have any boundaries. None. I think I’m building some and then–they’re gone. I don’t respect me much right now so why would he? I feel depraved. How can I love depravity and feeling worthless? How can I embrace those feelings? I want to try. It feels crazy and screwy but I want to try. I love my worthless, depraved feeling. I love that I feel shaking in my body. No. I’m beating myself up. I want to stop that. Stop that. Stop that. Stop that. I made a big mistake and let myself down in a big way. I’m sorry, self. I break my own heart, I know it. I feel like there’s nothing to do but go to bed and try to get some sleep. I feel sad. I love my sadness. I love my grief. I feel aching everywhere. This is not supposed to feel so hard. I want to be strong but I don’t feel it. I feel not good enough. I feel like I don’t fit in. I feel awkward and untalented and not creative. I feel like my passion is gone. I am so afraid that I can’t find my passion.



  43.  #43Mary Ann on November 1, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    Bethany, you are strong, and you ARE enough. Take care of yourself…we all need to take care of ourselves, in a good, loving, positive way. When we make a mistake, we have to tell ourselves its okay…brush it off…get up and get back on the horse. Its going to be okay.

    hugs..:)



  44.  #44alias girl on November 1, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    thank you goddesses mary ann, ann, robin,
    nikita & bethany. i feel so good to have hugs and love sent my way. xoxo 🙂 i feel connected and cared about.

    i feel so much heat in my body. it just keeps coming. it feels like shame.

    maybe underneath the rage is sadness/grief,?
    and underneath my grief is shame?
    and underneath my shame is —-

    bliss?!

    ? I am certain to find out.

    bethany & Mary ann big *HUGS*

    bethany i remember i was riffing once and i couldn’t get to the good place until daria reminded me to LOVE myself. my grief, my shame, my anger etc etc.

    I love my shame. i love this feeling of hopelessness. (OMG the HEAT!) i love my feelings of victimhood, i love my amnesia about my ‘new normal ‘ that I have been living and because of one moment i want to call myself a failure. i love my annoyance and superiority that keeps me from connecting with people. i love my boredom with some men. i love that i am prmarily interested in sex yet it has to come with a man that feels good to be around and all these other qualifications just so i can have a sex life. i love my anger. i love my self loathing. (wtf this heat, i feel like i am in a sauna. my body is sweating.)

    i love this icky feeling that feels like my childhood. (HEAT). i feel alone. i love my aloneness. i love my feelings of failure and longing to do something that pleases me and makes me happy AS A CAREER. i love my poverty consciousness that overrides my knowledge of the truth sometimes.

    i feel so much freaking heat in my body. i love this heat. I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. I imagine it as toxic fumes rising up from my core that have been trapped for so so long and they are rising up and out of my body and evaporating and when they hit the air they neutralize and become just air and love.

    i love my fear. i love my terror. i love my catastrophizing. i love my rage. i feel too subdued to be rageful. i love my vengefulness. i love my discriminating mind that says if you are not going to offer me anything i don’t want you in my life. i can be friendly but i don’t want anything long term if i am not going to “get” anything out of it. because i feel depleted. i love my feelings of depletion. i love this heat. i feel depressed. i love my feelings of depression. like someone popped my balloon too.

    i feel sad face. i love my sad face. i love my little sad face all pouty and my little fists all balled up. i love this frozen-ness around the great things i want to do.

    i want to travel. i want my own home. i want to dance more. i want to learn to sing. i want to learn a language. but i just keep myself grinding grinding gotta get a job gotta get a job gotta get a job get money get money get money get money.

    i feel sad. i feel victimy. i love my sadness. i know how hard you are trying. HEAT. i love my resentment. i love my anger. i love my feelings of wanting to give up and quit and who cares and i don’t want to try anymore. I WANT A FUCKING BREAK. I JUST WANT A FUCKING BREAK. (phew, heat and tears, heat and tears)

    i love that my back is all sweaty like i just ran around the block.

    🙁

    i feel sick. i feel sad, lonely, tired. i am not even pms. no excuse.

    i feel tired of looking for my guy.
    i feel tired of wondering what on earth would please me for a career.
    i feel TIRED of being poor.

    i feel guilty that i am not in gratitude. i feel angry for being told i should be grateful when i am in the middle of my pity party. dammit.

    goddess self: alias, why in the heck are you still freaking poor? and now unemployed, no less? what in the fuckity is going on with you?

    AG: i don’t know.

    GS: well my lovely, you might want to try and transform this quality of yours, whatever it is, that is insisting on keeping you in such a tight, closed off life of poverty.

    AG: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP. oh because you are so this and so that and so this and all that. SHUT UP AND GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

    GS: I am sorry i was so glib. please. i want to reconcile with you. i want us to work together. i want to help.

    AG: eff off. who needs you? i have options. I have considered possibly turning to a life of crime. or perhaps just doing nothing and seeing if things work out. and on the man front i have considered actually moving AWAy from how i truly feel and just pretending and picking the best guy i am attracted to and if i just act like how he wants me to act and i lean forward and row and row for both of us well at least it will last a good six months to a year before it implodes and at least during that time we can have (fake) companionship and (disconnected) sex. so it;s not like things are completely hopeless. i have options.

    GS: I see. well i just want to say that i love you and i feel your are in pain right now and everything is going to be alright.

    AG: please fuck off now, thank you.

    GS: you wonder why you are alone. you are alone because you PUSH Everyone Away.

    AG: Gotchya. bye now.

    GS: yes well, for better or for worse Alias, you can’t actually get rid of me because i am a part of you. i am the more polished and attractive part of us but you really are the heart and soul so as a team working together we really could be quite amazing.

    AG: not good with teams, thanks though.

    GS: how do you feel?

    AG: I feel better. the pain is gone. but i feel annoyed with you.

    GS: ok. well that doesn’t feel great to hear.

    AG: Then why don’t you just freaking LEAVE. oh, that’s right. you can’t. wow. that sucks for you then. I feel hatred towards you right now.

    GS: Why?

    AG: because i feel like i am being left to drown in the toilet while you are living it up on some rooftop pool at some resot or high class condo. you probably have all these fabulous guys after you and they buy you stuff and adore you and take you out and try really hard to please you and care whether or not you have an orgasm. i have these icky guys online and cheap guys and guys that are just feeling the situation out to see if i will be open to casual sex. and i have my ex that doesn’t care about me and doesn’t care if i have an orgasm. i feel furious.

    i feel furious. I FEEL FURIOUS. HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME AND NOT CARE IF I HAVE AN ORGASM OR NOT. HOW DARE DARE DARE DARE YOU LET THAT HAPPEN MORE THAN ONCE IN A ROW EXPECIALLY IF WE ONLY HAVE SEX ONCE EVERY FIVE MONTHS.

    I AM ACTUALLY GLAD IT HAPPENED DO YOU HEAR ME? BECAUSE MY MAIN PRIORITY IS SEX AND IF I AM NOT GETTING MY ORGASMS THEN IT MAKES IT THAT MUCH EASIER TO LEAVE YOU DO YOU HEAR? SO I FEEL HAPPY THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED! THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR SHOWING ME HOW DESPARATE I AM THAT I WOULD ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN. I FEEL FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS. NEVER AGAIN. I AM GOING TO PUT THAT IN MY DATING PROFILE.
    WE MUST FIND A WAY TO GIVE ALIAS GIRL CONSISTENT ORGASMS THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME OR SHE IS

    OUT

    THE

    DOOR.

    Dammit.

    i feel like a freak. i meet these people all day long and i have all this stuff going on inside me and i am in touch with my feelings and all this energy and heat and

    these people from the outside

    they look so

    my god

    like if they knew, if they read this,
    if they knew,

    (ah heat here comes more shame and tears)

    they would back away and talk smack about me amongst themselves.

    what if i lived in newport beach and had two doggies and a loving boyfriend and lots of friends and a great job and money money money.

    then i would feel more worthy. i would feel like i could write anything i wanted because i could say ‘well, say what you want but i am living a pretty good life here.’

    but to write this and be living the life i am in right now, due to my past thinking and feeling and manifesting–well it feels embarrassing.

    and then i feel embarrassed to feel embarrassed about my own self created life.

    i feel better right now in this moment but i can feel the shame —i can feel the heat of it just keeps coming up and escaping from my body. good. let it be gone. the fear gremlin was vacated. now maybe i can exorcise this shame that makes me feel like a hot grill giving off heat heat heat.

    how exciting to be coming closer together to my goddess self. good. good. whatever it takes. i do not care. i do not care

    if in the end i get to live the life of my dreams i do not care what it takes. bring it on bring it on bring it on. it is all for my best. it is all for my best enjoyment of this life. anything that is happening it is because it is bringing me closer and closer to that which pleases me.

    wait. how dare i allow these things that would bring on such fury. HOW DARE I ALLOW A MAN TO NOT CONSIDER MY ORGASM.

    HOW DARE I NOT CONSIDER MY OWN ORGASM. HOW DARE I PUT A MAN’S NEEDS/DESIRES BEFORE MY OWN. why would i do that? why why why?

    because of my shame shame shame shame of asking or feeling deserving. ugh.

    i am going to go take a walk and then take a bubble bath.



  45.  #45Tina on November 1, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Elbow sweaters rock! Alias girl



  46.  #46Tina on November 1, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    I ate to much candy, I got to work out on my treadmill. I have made my decision to work my my gift shop plan and stop fcking around. My class starts on tuesday that is the day I stop fucking around lol.



  47.  #47alias girl on November 1, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    thanks tina!! 🙂 are you going to open a gift shop?



  48.  #48alias girl on November 1, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    i went skateboarding instead of a walk. well almost the same thing for me really since i go at about the same speed for both activities.



  49.  #49Mary on November 1, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    Thank you, Soignée and Linda, for commenting about my post. Soignée, at first I thought you had a good idea when you said to just meet him for a short time, not a long dinner. And Linda, I really like it that you understand how hard it is to get over a divorce, and that he’ll need to ground himself. He’s an amazing man and can do it on his own, as you said. Thank you so much for these responses.

    And thank you, Rori, for thinking about it with me and sharing your heart. I loved your scenarios. I live on an island, and it is BEAUTIFUL. One of the prettiest places to visit in all the world. I’m going to stay here. (I’ve been circular dating and there are some interesting men here!) When he calls (and he will), I’m gonna tell him in a very carefree way that I see no problem meeting him as he suggested, but MY PREFERENCE is that he would get more settled and then fly over and visit me here, with or without his wife. I’m gonna be nonchalant and happy about it – and I do feel that way!

    His wife filed for divorce, but she had two affairs – one with his best friend – and he stayed with her. Then they lost a son, and she froze up on him. And that has been going on for years. He’s been in limbo for a long time, waiting for her to recover, and now she’s become an alcoholic and filed for divorce.

    I think he’ll move out and call me soon. And then I’ll feel no responsibility for what happens in his life. And who knows? Maybe I’ll marry one of these island guys! I’m finding myself to be quite popular with them.

    Thank you so much. Not something I’m talking about with my friends (except one.)

    Love, Mary



  50.  #50alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 1:03 am

    for tinque:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y0TWOttkVo&NR=1&feature=fvwp

    (and for other sirens too) 🙂

    it is patrick swayze and his wife dancing.



  51.  #51alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 1:05 am

    i am going to move to a beautiful home in newport beach with a good man and have two dogs and we are all going to work on music together and money comes easy.

    thank you.



  52.  #52Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 1:56 am

    I love all the feeling messages i read here….
    I feel that its therapy for me because when i can identify with a certain feeling i am able to learn how to react to it and to follow it through in my own experience…..Thanks ladies for sharing…..
    I had a really nice weekend and an AHA moment for myself when i realized that i tend to compare my life so much with others and i always feel inferior….more like everyone seems to be going on okay but me…..
    I felt bad thinking about this and when i catch this trend all my past relationships failure follow through and my whole day is usually ruined right after that….
    When i think about it now i feel its pointless comparing myself with anyone because i can create anything i want and the life i want…i control my life circumstances…
    I feel that i have tried so hard to live other people’s lives and wished i would be someone else that i forgot to live my own life and it makes me feel disconnected from myself……
    I choose to enjoy every bit of my life from now on….i choose to feel good even when reality doesn’t present the same because life is good and i am blessed to be living it…i choose to feel grateful and happy and excited for the good things unfolding in my life…i choose to feel happy with who i am…
    I love following my feelings…they have become the best direction for me to know if i am going the right direction or not….I feel less powerless and less frustrated…i feel more and more sure of myself…and the best of all…i feel me…the good the bad….
    I can feel when i am getting angry at my boss because of my own insecurities over something he says….
    i can feel myself feeling jealous and frustrated of my relationship problems when my friend’s seem to be going so well….i feel my fear and worry and i feel my thoughts changing to something sad and lonely…..
    I feel alive even in the midst of my sadness and insecurities….i feel strength that i will move out of it,that i am okay that i can catch a good feeling and move on up….
    I feel that i am finally getting in touch with myself…i do not feel scared….i feel hopeful…



  53.  #53Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 1:59 am

    Alias,
    Thanks for the link…the dance is beautiful…….



  54.  #54Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Mary is it possible for me to come live on the island with you?

    is there affordable housing there ? could i perhaps work as a waitress at an island bar and woud that get me affordable housing?



  55.  #55Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 2:02 am

    I just reread my post……
    wow….i guess for me i feel scared that i do not have control over circumstances…..that my own life is controlled external forces,or people….
    That explains why i feel jealous…
    I want to work more on this…feeling powerful and goddess and feeling more in control of my won life….and love…
    I am powerful and strong and in control of my own life….



  56.  #56Mary on November 2, 2009 at 3:05 am

    Daria,

    No, I’m sorry; it’s not possible without a visa, because it’s in Canada! Everything is really expensive here. I live in Victoria…

    San Juan is a smaller American island nearby. Check out Friday Harbor!



  57.  #57Daria on November 2, 2009 at 3:09 am

    Mary

    Thanks ! threw that out there for the universe so it knows im interested!

    I would like Tropical please! hehe!



  58.  #58Mary on November 2, 2009 at 3:27 am

    About feelings:

    I like what Rori has to say about honoring our feelings, and to add to it, if I may, I like to put feelings into 5 categories:

    1. Anger
    2. Fear
    3. Sadness
    4. Shame
    5. Happiness

    It seems like almost every feeling can be broken down into one of these larger categories.

    I think that feelings are important, because they give us valuable information about ourselves and our relationships, and they are the quickest, most efficient and non-confrontive form of communication that there can be between two people. I believe Rori is right to say that the expression of our feelings makes people want to care for us. That’s why it’s so hard to express anger to a person when you’re really angry. You’d almost rather leave, or say something catty or be silent, because expressing the anger is actually making a bridge between you and the other person.

    The expression of feelings is great because it doesn’t accuse, throw blame, camp on the past or project into the future. It keeps us in the present and with the focus on ourselves, with “I” statements, and that is Communication 101.

    That being said, my view is that our feelings are just one piece of information to use when making decisions. They are not the only measuring stick, and they do not have to constantly be expressed. They’re to be acknowledge and taken into consideration when we’re making our decisions. And to make good, solid decisions that serve us, we need to use our feelings and our intellects, the input from wise counselors and careful research. And we need to let time have a chance to simmer us down a bit.

    Does anyone else agree?



  59.  #59Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 3:50 am

    Mary,
    I am in agreement with you…I have been practicing a lot in trying to discover how i feel at almost every aspect in my life…..I have read a lot of books especially from the 1800-1900 about how the mind affects our reality….
    What i understand is that my feelings express what is going on in my mind…both consciously and unconsciously…When i am feeling bad then that is because i am thinking about something that is causing me to feel bad….
    I feel that sometimes my feelings and emotions are all mixed up together and i love Rori’s way of just sinking into those feelings instead of trying to figure things out….It usually feels much better doing that then later on i am able to discover more about why i felt the way i did….
    What i love most about using feelings is that i like to have a sense of direction of were i am going….feelings provide a way for me to know if i am moving in the right direction or not….I f i am feeling good then i am good….if not then i try to channel myself back to feeling good again….
    I don’t always use feeling messages when talking to people however i feel that its really important to be aware and to try my best to recognize how i feel at each point in time that way i am able to follow my thought especially the unconscious ones….that limit me from expressing myself….
    I find that the more i learn about feelings the more i want to express them…i feel that it provides an avenue for me to be who i really i am….when i am saying how i feel then i am allowing the world to see me as i really i am…..
    I also feel that in some way everything is connected,my feelings are connected to my intellect which is connected to my spirit so i feel good then my thought are in alignment and my heart feels in a good place…that’s my understanding of feelings…



  60.  #60DocK on November 2, 2009 at 8:38 am

    Daria – thank you for sharing the pix of the costume. Very fun!

    I may have been channeling you on Halloween – I had a Michael Jackson theme party to go to so decided I would just be “Dirty Diana” since noone really knows what she looks like – I think I was the all black garb version of ghetto mess LOL!! : )



  61.  #61Leila on November 2, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Wow, Tracy…

    What a lot to think about. I’m going to ponder this for a while. I appreciate your comment!



  62.  #62Mary on November 2, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Yes, Tracy and Leila,

    I think you’re both talking about similar things. Leila, you’re saying to identify your feeling, and Tracy, you’re saying that that’s not the important thing: feeling them is the important thing.

    Maybe if we’re able to feel our feelings, communicate them in a non-threatening way and muse about them and let them teach us what we need to know, we’ll all make better decisions!



  63.  #63Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 10:10 am

    Mary Ann, thanks for your kind words. Big hug.



  64.  #64Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Mary,
    Yes Ann…….its fun experimenting with our different feelings….i am learning tons about myself…
    I feel difficulty expressing them sometimes….its easier to write them down though…..
    i am working in feeling them then slowly i can talk about them as well…..I also realized that the more i catch my feelings the more i am falling in love with me…and taking care of me….i feel more and more that i am making me a priority…
    Yay to feelings…..



  65.  #65tinque on November 2, 2009 at 11:35 am

    alias girl – Thank you so for the link. It brought tears. Seeing such intensity of connection feels bittersweet, for as with these two beautiful beings, it can be wrenched away at any time. Living in each and every moment with awe….yes.
    I send you huge hugs sweetheart. Your torment and anguish are palpable, but I feel your strength of spirit nonetheless. The pain will pass, I promise. There is no control. You just are, and in this beingness there is pureness, you as goddess love self.
    xxoo



  66.  #66Tina on November 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I got a “very important call” hehehe. I love Rori Raye, If I could give her a hug I would. I may not have to go in front of the “board” yes! haha. This man has a lot of pull and I am so on the edge right now. I want to cry, I feel like singing, I want to dance, I can do back flips haha. I want to say ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW HAHA” I was in the middle of my workout, walking on my treadmill,getting ready to lift some weights the bang the phone call. woooooohoooooooooooooo, I have no big guns but damnit I know people with big guns hahaha. I feel on top of the world!



  67.  #67Tina on November 2, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Compassion and loving myself,is like the Mother Therasa of my feelings, my heart, my soul 🙂



  68.  #68Tina on November 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Back to my workout, ugh all the is halloween candy!.



  69.  #69alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    🙂 i feel very pleased and cozy here. 🙂 xoxo

    you’re welcome tinque. i immediately thought of you when i came across it. i feel good you enjoyed it.



  70.  #70Flipper on November 3, 2009 at 4:02 am

    Felicitations, Tina, I feel good that you’re getting the support from the Universe that you deserve. I love it when any of us get the support We want and deserve.



  71.  #71T.R. on November 4, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    Ahhh….old connections. It can and does feel confusing. How do you know if you are looking through rose colored glasses at the past or really seeing what could be? Experience has led me to feeling confused! I recently have been exchanging e-mails with a friend, who I lived with 10 years ago (we were engaged at the time). This man is someone who has ALWAYS been in the back of my mind, as “what if?”. Exchanging e-mails has brought these thoughts and feelings back. He told me that he “now knows what a good thing we had and if he had just waited until I was older, it would have worked”. He is ten years my senior. I feel a connection to him still, even though I have been in relationships since then, and am in one now. This is a man that I, in the back of my mind, compare everyone I date to, even 10 years later! Do you ever really know if it is “the one” or just missing something that is no longer in your life? Can there be “The One”? Reconnecting with lovers past stirs up many feeling.



  72.  #72Tracy on November 5, 2009 at 1:49 am

    T.R
    I feel interested in this as well…..for me all the men i have had in my past none has felt like the one and i don’t think i would want to settle down with any of them….I wonder though if i would feel the same way ten years from now….
    I would want to feel settled and content with the man i finally settle down with and to think of my past boyfriends as just messengers who brought me to the final great guy…my present one…
    Is that possible?…….to be with a man with whom i know is the one…..and if not then i am working at getting him….I hope Rori can help with this one…



  73.  #73T.R. on November 5, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Tracy,

    Our hearts and feeling are complicated things aren’t they? It is amazing to me that I still have the “this is it” after so many years. Rose colored glasses? Curiosity? Who knows? I know other women have this too. Hopefully Rori will have some insight for this particular situation, as I am sure, there are many women with these same feelings.



  74.  #74Pamala on November 21, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    This is my first time reading the blog. I came here becasue I feel so confused about relationships and men. What I am wondering is WHY do guys who clearly didn’t want me … come back???

    Three this one week. That is why I feel so confused.

    1) The Canadian. He’s a long story. The end of the story is he chose a local woman … “its easier” … he said. So this rich widow is still his “perfect woman” but he phones me now wondering if I will meet him for sex. Uh … NO!!!

    2) After hem-hawing for a year or so … #2 dated me and another woman in the same week. He chose her. When she left him, he wants to see me. I said no thank-you. He gets another girl for a month. She leaves. He comes looking for me. AAAAAARGH!

    3) Local guy. During our last date he says, “You’d be the best thing that ever happened to me if I’d let you.” Then I don’t hear from him again for two months. Then he texts to tell me he got married. Now, about six months later, he is asking if he can come to my property to go hunting. I don’t know. Then he says we can walk in the woods, and he misses my kisses. Well, of course I am not going to go about kissing another woman’s husband … but what I want to know is

    Why am I the one they come BACK for????

    Why am I not good enough to keep in the first place?



  75.  #75Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Pamala, Welcome! and here’s the simple short answer: Ever heard of “The Little Black Book”? It’s been around forever. Men write in every woman’s number they can, and then, when they’re “in-between” women, they go through their book and start calling. Plain and simple. You become an entry in the book. And if you’re not loving yourself properly, it’s easy to misinterpret a man calling as actual “interest” – when, actually, he might want a shoulder to cry on, a warm body in his bed, a date for an event…who knows? Just stick with the men who want you and let the rest fall by the wayside. Love, Rori



  76.  #76Pamala on November 23, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Perfect explanation! Thankfully, becasue I have been practicing your tools, there are other men I date with whom I feel respected. I don’t want to be a warmed over second choice for any man. Thank-you, Rori.



  77.  #77Sweetpea on May 24, 2010 at 10:48 am

    I love the way you went through the analysis of this situation. My mind goes in circles like this over everything right now. I have a hard time determining what to do because there are so many scenarios, so many possible results. This makes me feel like I’m a little closer to knowing what to do when I can’t determine the right course of action. Thanks Rori!



  78.  #78Jeannette on June 2, 2010 at 6:05 am

    Girls, I am confused. An old boyfriend many many years ago, showed up on Classmates,com SO we met. But I am currently seeing someone else who is very special to me. So when me and my old flame met up it went very well and stirred up emotion in me. We talked about 6 hours, but there was no exchanging of kisses. I asked him for a hug when he left. He still is the shy man I remember. That was Sunday and today is Wed. and I still have not heard back from him. I just don’t want to lead him on because I don’t know yet what to do. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me. He asked me if he could take me to a concert and I said sure! THis has left me all confused. I am trying to go deep into myself to figure out what to do. I care for him and I care for my current guy who I HAVE NOT yet slept with. Very nice guy. SO…….HELP ME OUT HERE, PLEASE!!!!!



  79.  #79Jeannette on June 2, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Girls, if anyone would like to comment on #78 here I would appreciate it!



  80.  #80Jeannette on June 2, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I just sent my old boyfriend a email telling him it was great seeing him and hope to see him again. Girls, please read the entries above here and tell me what you think!



  81.  #81Jeannette on June 2, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    I get the feeling I am on my own with this one……



  82.  #82aprilshowers on June 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Jeanette,

    You are overfunctioning. You asked him for a hug, you sent him an email, you gave him your number, you told him to call you. Whew! I got tired just reading about it.

    Rori is the expert not me. However, the ladies here are all committed to practicing Rori’s tools. She gave ’em to you, now use them!

    Lean back. You don’t have any decisions to make right now. Maybe Old Love will sweep you off your feet, maybe he won’t. You don’t have to kill him off yet or ever. Until one of these men marries you, they are all CDs. Period. That’s it that’s all.

    Lean back. Use your feeling messages. Be open and be surprised.



  83.  #83aprilshowers on June 2, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    PS You said he was a “shy” man. He ain’t too shy if he already asked you to a concert! He’s a grown man. He knows what to do to woo a woman. Stop doing the work for him!



  84.  #84Jeannette on June 3, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Aprilshowers, you are right, I have no ring on my finger. I just think it’s amazing how a man tries to control who you see. The other guy, Mark calls me every night at the same time…He is moving in with his assumptions and I still need just a little more space to get everything straight. He would probably say, “What!?” if I told him I want to date others too. My daughter dated 2 guys at the same time though and she ended up losing both of them…Men are men….A little territorial at times.



  85.  #85Kim on November 25, 2010 at 6:25 am

    Hello there, Im not sure if this is the right way to put this on here, but I have a situation that I truly dont know how to deal with. I met a great man almost two years ago. We hit it off right off the bat, and I told him about 4 months into the relationship he better be careful or I was going to fall in love with him. His reply was where else could it go.. The way he looked at me was amazing and I knew his feelings were strong for me. He even told me so. Well after 9 months of dating, he told me that his feelings just werent there for him. I was devastated as I really did fall head over heels for him……I always wondered if he just got scared. Since then we have been hanging out and “hooking up” and have had several conversations about our relationship. Come to find out he was feeling smothered, but never said anything. One minute he tells me that his feelings for me are not gone, the next he is saying that those feelings are friend feelings, then the next he is saying he will try and make room for me in his life. He is a very busy man and works very long and strange hours, but that never bothered me. He has told me that he doesnt know if he wants a relationship or not. I have been very very patient waiting for him, but just dont know what to do at this point. He says one thing, but his actions say something else. I feel like he is just very confused….. Im tired of riding the fense, but dont know how to get him to go to my side. When we broke up he said that he thinks it was a whirl wind romance. I dont believe that for a second….. There was truly a connection. I have recently purchased one of you programs “Having the relationship you want, but I was looking for some more help and advice. We always come back to eachother, and I dont believe its just for the sex either. Can you please help me and give me some guidance on how to win him over for sure!!! Thank you!!



  86.  #86Kim on November 25, 2010 at 8:11 am

    I really need some help girls!!! I feel like Im at the end of my rope!



  87.  #87Rori Raye on November 25, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Kim – what you need here is my entire program series…truly – the ebook will get you started if you DO the tools in it and practice them. Modern Siren will help you be soft on the outside and speak in Feeling Messages in a deeper way…Reconnect Your Relationship will go deeper into the basics and map out how to get him to stop withdrawing and bring him closer. And then you need to PRACTICE. Also – Circular Dating will make a world of difference for you! Love, Rori



  88.  #88Kim on November 25, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Well I can’t afford the entire series, but will definately work with the tools that I have been given. I just dont understand him. I do have reconnect your relationship and I am listening to it now. Have learned a great many things about myself. Its very scary not initiating contact first. Im always afraid he wont get ahold of me at all. This whole thing is very scary. I just wish I could jump in his head and find out for once what he is thinking.



  89.  #89Kim on November 25, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Oh and by the way, what is a “whirl wind romance exactly??



  90.  #90Kim on November 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Ok girls, I blew it!!! I caved and got ahold of him first. Am I ever going to get the hang of this?? I have to ask you something. I have been waiting for my man to come around for almost a year now since we broke up, and Im not sure its ever going to turn around…….I am giving him until January to show me that he really is going to try and make room for me in his life. If not then I will need to end it….. I need some time to work on a speech, and was wondering if you guys had any suggestions. I want the speech to get him thinking…… I told him once before that I couldnt see him anymore, and I thought I was gonna have to pick his mouth up off the floor. Dont know if that was good thing or bad, but nevertheless it was lying on the floor….. any advice or suggestions??



  91.  #91Kim on November 29, 2010 at 7:22 am

    I guess Im on my own here!



  92.  #92kim on March 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    dear Rori i have 2 kids and im about to be 21 im madly in love with there dad but alot of things happen to us that we dont even talk anymore how do i get him to fall back in love with me



  93.  #93Wanda on April 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I recieved a call from an old love two years ago his wife had died of cancer….we had an affair over 30 years ago and just drifted apart but he still called me every year on “OUR ANNIVERSARY”…I turned him down for 6 months as I was afraid I would be the stepping stone ….he was 78 at the time…I finally gave in an saw him..we were hot and heavy for 6 months..with a lot of problems….I felt uncomfortable meeting his kids (grown and married) but spent the Thanksgiving Holiday week with him and them at his home..I refused to spend Christmas with them at his home as I felt guilty…so he was upset with me….we got over that but since then it has been one thing after another he has a lot of problems with his health,Doctors appointment and such..I set it up to go with him and we seem to have a disagreement before hand and he makes other arrangements for someone to go with him without advising me until I call and then he tells me..at the last minute… and I realize at 80 years old things will only get worse,but I love him and have told him I don’t care,I just want to be with him and I am willing to take care of him ….(I am 68 and in great health)..I have always loved him and always will..I thought he felt the same way..he has always been very attentive to me…cooks for me (chief) opens doors for me and introduced me as his “Lady Friend”..at first we spent every weedend together,one at his house ,one at mine..the sex was great although he is only able to satisfy me maually and orally..but we satisfied each other and necked alot..he like holding hands and sitting together..he brought me coffee in bed and took good care of me..he has alot of problems with knee which he has had 6 operations on and has problems with his feet..I would rub them for him….he is on a lot of medications for pain (strong)..I know he want s to spare me the pain he had while his wife was dieing and tells me I need a younger man…but If I am willing to take care of him and even give my life for him if I could..why can’t he see this…I am so in love with him…I have not dated for over 25 years and had my life planned out until he called me….I had doubts about seeing him again,but gave in and now I wish I had not….if it had turned out different……he is planning to go live with his Daughter in another state at the time he is unable to care for himself…..we do not talk often now,and I know I will survive..I have been divorced twice years ago..but he is the Love of my life….



  94.  #94little confused on August 8, 2011 at 11:15 am

    this blog has really hit me hard. I am in a situation where I am confused on what to do. I have not mastered the circular dating yet, but am working on that currently. Made a date for this weekend and I am working on myself to be excited about it without fear or anxiety that I feel right before meeting someone for the first time in person. The situation I am in although, entails in the last few months while reading and listening to your ebook and dating tips, I have started once again talking to a guy that last fall I saw as someone I wanted to date and learn more about. A week ago, I let him know that feeling has came back and I used as many feeling messages I could to let him know how I felt. When we started talking again a couple of months ago, he asked if I was dating anyone and I told him not yet. I asked him and he said he was dating someone but not sure of it yet. He has told me several times this time and last time I talked with him that he dates only one girl at a time because thats who he is. I have respected that. After I told him that I felt like he was someone I wanted to date and get to know better, his response was we can get to know each other better just not date right now. He says, even I didnt know last fall, that I helped him through a rough time in his life with the illness of his mother and divorce and that I was special to him, but since he had met someone and dating them he couldnt date me even though he “would make me his in a second” if he wasnt dating someone.

    I do not know what it is about this man that I feel drawn to. I know you will say to circular date and go with my feelings. I cannot although cut him out of my life. I still want him in my life even if it is as a friend but I do have the strong urge to want to see him and talk to him in a dating manor. He sends me messages and talks to me almost everyday. We flirt, have fun with conversations, and it feels GREAT to me! My problem is, and I have told him how this makes me feel, is I deep down want to date a guy that is not available and I dont want to feel angry or sad about it. Most days I feel great and just enjoy it. And then there are days like today, I feel like crying and lost. He keeps telling me, that if it was appropriate to him to date me and her he would, but he doesnt think it is fair to either one of us. I have told him that we can remain friends for now and continue to get to know each other through conversations without dates. He has agreed to that.

    How do I keep myself from feeling like we are growing and keep the sparks from wanting to fly up from me? I also feel almost guilty because I do like him and thinking about dating other guys and him dating someone else makes me want to sink. That is where I feel lost the most with your tools and circular dating is because most guys I go on a date with ask me if I am dating anyone, and when I tell them I have dates planned or open to dating different people, then I almost feel guilty at that moment being there like I am doing something inappropriate. How do I get past that to be able to circular date different guys at once?



  95.  #95danilovestrong on January 28, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Again…. excellent advice and RIGHT on time for my own personal situation! I can tell that what you say in authentic and you have these words of clarity and advice from a place of experience. Good stuff.



  96.  #96Dallas on September 25, 2012 at 8:36 am

    After almost 2 years of dating a man whom I opened my total heart and my family to a man younger than me and who I work with. He has been very disconnected for last 3 months saying he just needed space, I thought I gave it to him, ( I used your tools thank you they did help) however .. During this time I confronted him about a few things I found exceeded my boundaries (example, he left his emails open from a social networking site, asking an ex girlfriend to meet him at park, then a phone bill that was extremely high I found out he was talking to her for 3 and 4 hours a night) Reconnecting with her and disconnecting with me. I blamed this for his disconnect, I had a hard time believing it was because of space. He swears they are friends, he wants to have good things in his life and reconnect with old friends because his last marriage then divorce left him so disconnected. My goal was to not end it, but to give him more space to find out what he needed so I could work on myself with your tools. I tried all of your tools and anything I did sent him far away. I explained I understood the need for friends and realized I cannot control it, and I thought we worked through it and that conversation was over. I am not saying the tools didn’t work. I just guess that, no matter how, what, you can’t make someone stay with you if they do not want to.

    His last words to me were, I love you, I adore you, I love how I feel when I am with you, even before we stated dating I always loved how you made me feel. My family loves you, my kids love you… But having a relationship isn’t working for me and you really scared me when you were so upset about my ex girlfriend. I have anxiety about this & I don’t want to live a lie, I am not happy and I can’t give you want or what you are asking for or what you deserve . He wanted to stay friends because of how I made him feel. He crushed all of my hopes of having that family unit once again in my life. We were great together (so I thought) I keep beating myself up about confronting him with all of it, anyway…

    I explained that I can not be his friend, I wont live a lie either and pretend that I am happy just being your friend when I want more I want it all, you do not get this privilege from me, that I am not a friend with benefits. Rori, I am so broken over this, my children love him, I love him as the bond I have with his young children, Now I have see him because we work in same office and its KILLING me. I keep beating myself up over this because maybe I should have put my feelings aside and said okay I can be your friend would he change his mind if continued to use your tools. Always the what if …

    I feel I have done the correct thing, by shutting the door completely but I am angry and so freaking sad right now and doubting. Please slap me into some sort of path.



  97.  #97Ashley on December 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Hey Rori, I really need some help! I have this man in my life that was being hard to please then broke up with me, then we were lovers and now it seems like we are nothing. I need to know that if I take your advice and back off and focus on me if that will help the problem that I have or if I just need to say goodbye now. He is my best friend and I can’t leave him truly but if I have to I can as a ‘girlfriend’. So what do you or others think that I should do, try to keep him or kick him to the curb? Also, he is a Marine and will be leaving in March.



  98.  #98Rori Raye on December 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Ashley – for me, the answer is always simple: Don’t be exclusive. And don’t sleep with him if that makes it impossible to be non-exclusive. Circular Date. If you can’t be comfortable with that, then end it, keep the friendship, and do what you have to do “no contact…” to stay sane. Love, Rori