What to do when he drops the break-up bomb

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cropped-rosestem.jpgQuestion from Debbie:

I have been in a wonderful relationship for just a little under a year. It has been long distance the entire time. We have grown closer,
communicate very well- it was continualy growing- we both are very
much into self development.

During the course of our past few months, I changed jobs – actually found my dream job and he did as well, both in the same city which was several states away. I moved first and have been here now for 4 months and he just did the 26 hours drive himself to move his stuff. Much to my surprise the day after he arrived he broke up with me.

I was shocked. He said so many wonderul things, ghat I knee it wasn’t
me. We’ve never even fought. He said you are so amazing, i am such a
better person with you, but I have this feeling of uncertainty and we
need to break up. I cried for a little but and we just sat there
starring at each other. He told me he was deeply in love with me and
cared about me.

I guess at that point I knew I had one thing to do. I gave my last
“speech”. I said I feel shocked and so caught of guard. I thanked him
for sharing his feelings because I know this is something he is
working on and I said I know deep in my heart i am madly in love with
you and you are the one and as hard as this is going to be I can not
be just friends with you. If you are going to be in my life then I
want you as my partner to take the journey of life with. So because of
that we can no longer communicate. He was shocked by what I said.

You could physicaly see a change in him body language. We ended the
conversation. I stood up, leaned back and waited. He came towards me
and hugged me tight. I thanked him, said I love you and walked away.

Wow!!! I don’t know where that came from. It’s been a few days only
and it was my birthday. We have not communicated at all. He did send
me my favorite flowers with a card on my bday. The card said- “I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I wanted to tell you, you’re an amazing beautiful person. I know you will find exactly what you deserve.”

That last line got me…… I don’t know what that means or how to
take it. I will not reach out because I believe he will come around,
but i’m confused with that last statement.

Please help!

My Answer: 

Debbie – this is Rori, and I just had to answer you personally… Your letter is so brilliantly written and so riveting and I am so sorry…

As painful as it is, there is only one answer here, and it’s obvious because it’s exactly the language men use when they’re feeling this. His last statements were exactly the words that all men use in the situation.

Essentially he’s saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” He’s saying “I want to be friends with you, I do not want to marry you.”

There is no gray line here.

Now that you’re no longer long-distance, with all the space that allows, he found himself straight-up with a real relationship. He just wasn’t prepared.

Yes, things can change. They definitely can. I have seen a change, with love and marriage a result! But not at this moment. You did so brilliantly. So the exact right thing!

Your next move is to absolutely start dating up the whole city you’re in now and start fresh… I swear to you, you’ll meet Mr. Right so quickly your head will spin. Because you are absolutely ready… This man set the path for you – and you found your right city with your dream job!

The way this goes is: He’ll call you – eventually. Or you’ll run into each other. And you’ll have a life in the city and be able to be very casual with him. If there’s something there, you’ll know how to inspire it. AND, you may have met your Mr. Right in the meantime.

Please let this take its course and do nothing but reply to his flowers with: “…Thank you…flowers feel beautiful…”

And then STICK to your Circular Dating plan so he just blends in with the rest of the men chasing you – or drops by the wayside….

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 9, 2016 at 9:01 am

    “This man set the path for you”

    Such a silver lining

  2.  #2sara on May 9, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    Hi Rori,
    This is such great advice, I can relate you this situation in my past. I wonder if you have any insight into my situation. I am a single mum. I have been with a guy for 7 years. I don’t want to get married to anyone. I am feeling that he is very reluctant to have any involvement with my child. I told him from the beginning that I wanted someone to play at least a little bit of father figure to my child. I know he is not the father, but he has known her since she was 3 and she has no other father figure, her dad is a loser. This man is always avoiding taking any form of responsibility at all, even to occasionally pick up my child from somewhere when I have a headache or something. It makes me angry but then I feel angry at the situation because I feel like I don’t want to ask him to be involved when he doesn’t want to. I feel ultimately alone in parenting. What do you think a siren would do? Do I just accept the situation and consider myself a single parent? Do I just not even expect him to help me? I am quite a proud person and don’t want to ask him to do things for my child because I feel that he is always thinking it’s not his problem. I have talked to him a few times about this but he seems clueless like he pretends he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do, but when I ask him for specific things, he usually says no.

  3.  #3Elsie on May 9, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    100% agree. The two men in my life in the last 4 years set me up to be the person I am now. I am in a wonderful, loving relationship with a man that makes everything seem beyond easy. He is tripping over himself at every turn to be with me, and the talks of timelines all come from him. He is rowing the boat and I just sit back and enjoy the view. I literally have NOTHING to even talk about on the blog here anymore because there are no real issues. I hope it stays like this, and if it doesnt, then thats fine with me too, and I’ll move on – healthy and whole on my own. The last 4 years have been a struggle and a journey and now I feel as if I’ve turned into a completed project. Well, not really – but the hard work is really done – now its just working on becoming better and better. I am so happy that I made the hard decisions. Men will tell you exactly how they feel if you listen. The problem is that sometimes we dont really want to hear what they are saying – so we just “interpret” it however we want. Big mistake. And Rori isnt at all about that – although some people confuse that. Its exactly about the story above – HEARING what a man says and then responding AND LEAVING. I am so glad that I did that with my previous guys because now I have a wonderful guy that is so easy. This post was brilliant. I wish I had really undertstood it and internalized it 4 years ago. But thats the journey I was on – and I’m so glad I’m here now. 🙂

  4.  #4Femininewoman on May 9, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    Yayy Elsie!!!

    Congrats darling.

  5.  #5Elsie on May 9, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Haha – thank you FeminineWoman – its nice to see a familiar face on here – its been a while! 🙂 How are you!? 🙂

  6.  #6Mandy on May 9, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    Just wanted to put this here in case it was missed – accidentally put it in the last blog too late…

    ….when a man tells me I can do something like stop by his place, I feel I’m going against the Siren guidelines….But I figure if he says please do this, I figure he means it and wants me to do it, so I do it, if it pleases me as well.

    Another thing I worry about possibly being masculine or possibly desperate is complimenting a man. Should I or should I not?

    When you’re in a relationship, I know Rori says that’s okay, like hey, nice bum, nice abs, look at you honey, I’m hot for you! To your HUSBAND.

    But some guys, in the dating phase, will tell me POINT BLANK that they HATE compliments, they make them feel weird and icky, so don’t do it, lol.

    Anyone have anything to say about complimenting a man? Bad? Good? Depending on situation?

  7.  #7LoveToMe on May 9, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    Mandy – about the compliments…I suppose it depends a little on your motivations. Are you trying to ‘make’ him feel a certain way? Are you concerned about his response at all? (Sounds like you could be.) I have never met a man who did not like compliments. Men love – LOVE – to know that they are attractive, especially to the women that THEY find attractive. They might be shy and not know how to “take” the compliment. But don’t worry about that. It’s not your job. Your only job in that situation would be, if you see something about a guy you like – his hair, his beard, his clothes, his rippling pectorals – say what it is. If you are saying it because you are expressing what YOU like, then he will like it that you are seeing him and noticing him.

    Ok, within reason. Don’t go overboard and feel like you “have” to compliment him all the time. Do it only when you feel it. And obviously maybe not go up to s guy you’ve just met and say, “Hey, nice *ss.” He might actually like that, come to think of it. But maybe not the thing to lead with…

  8.  #8LoveToMe on May 9, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    Thank you, sirens, for your feedback on the last thread. I confess the situation still feels a bit raw and open and confusing to me. If I am honest, and I really should be honest, I actually do blame myself for the whole mess. I blame myself, because I knew when I accepted his invitation what it could mean, for me or for him. And I wasn’t sure, but I took it anyway. I really put myself in that situation, and I should have had more or better options. It was just that he was the only friend in the area that offered me their place – well, right up until just before the wedding. Then the bride actually asked me if I was all set and offered a place to stay.

    Looking back now, I’m thinking I should maybe have just taken her up on that instead of pretending like I could stay with my “friend” and have it stay casual. I knew that wasn’t likely, because I knew him too well – but not well enough. I could have taken that “out.”

    Ah, well. Hindsight is 20/20.

    And I keep blaming myself at every step of the way:

    It was my fault for going there.
    I was huge one who gave the green light on sex.
    I started the unnecessarily sexual conversation.
    Then I got upset over something that might otherwise have been trivial – basically pushing him over the edge into “I don’t want to deal with this” territory.

    When the truth is…I didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t like him as much as I was perceiving he liked me. I didn’t like him as much as I was trying to convince myself that I did. And the more conversations we had, the less I liked him, but the more entrenched I felt. Such that it seemed like the only “solution” to my dislike of him was to get closer and closer, and in fact invite him to intimacy – perhaps hoping in some way that that would really solidify my feelings into something positive. But of course it didn’t. It only made me feel more negative about him, and it meant all his responses to me took on bigger meaning with more significance. Once I did that, it all MATTERED, whereas before it did not – it was all hypothetical talk.

    Or I should say it mattered to me more. To him it seemed to matter less. And feeling that gap led to the disconnect. The disconnect made me lean into it. And here we are. Here I am.

    He has set my path for me, though.

    That rings really true for me right now…

  9.  #9LoveToMe on May 9, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    Tonight I noticed something very interesting about my life. I realized that the friend groups that I am most attracted to, and which I seem to end up hanging the most with socially are polyamorous singles/partners groups. And I wondered why, and it occurred to me that my dating life has so much more in common with theirs than it does with my monogamous married friends. But then again, I don’t see my monogamous married friends, because they are too busy being monogamous married and possibly with kids. Plus the poly groups are into doing creative fun things that I like to do. So I end up with them. And even though I want to see my monogamous married friends, I don’t feel “good enough” to hang out with them. They are in the special club that I don’t have access to. And so I end up spending time with the people who have chosen specifically not to go the route of marriage. Whereas I have chosen nonspecifically to go the route of non-marriage, all the while really wishing that marriage was what I was doing – while simultaneously being scared crapless by it….

  10.  #10Indigo on May 9, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Elsie 2,

    That is exactly, word for word, how I feel. I am in a wonderful, loving relationship now that is as happy as the sky is blue. I’m so glad all those other guys fell by the wayside.

  11.  #11Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 12:13 am

    Your post at 7 sounds so authentic, and so lovely, and I can relate so much. Actually, I believe you have touched something universal there. I think each of us has, at some point, given a chance to a guy she did not really like so much, because she believed he liked her very much. Personally, when I think I don’t like the man as much as he likes me, it gives me a [false] feeling of control, and I am more at ease, and some of my natural defenses might go down easier than with a man I have a crush on.
    I also think a lot of what happened to you has something to do with going to a wedding (weddings do tend to have an aphodisiac effect on single women :-). And I think a lot of what happened to you has to do with being somewhat bored and not having anything more fun to do.
    In any case, your words rang very true, and very authentic to me, and I hope you find your peace of mind around the whole situation.

  12.  #12Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 12:47 am

    About compliments, I think they are like b* jobs: if the man is not begging you for more, than you are not doing it right.
    I am joking of course. But it is fair to say that most people like positive feedback about who they are or what they do. So maybe you have a very particular taste for men who either have a strange quirk about this, or simply, as LomeToMe said, they don’t know how to take a compliment. In either case, I think you can’t go wrong by telling a man that you like something about him, and if THAT turns him off, honestly, he is cauza perdutta.
    Now, the other thing, about a man saying that you are welcome to stop by at his place and hang out. That is something I would not like to take advantage of, unless the man is purely, absolutely, 100% only friend, kind of like my female friends, and me going to his house unnannounced, has a zero change of us ending up doing anything physical. If a man wants to have anything physical, he has to INITIATE , invite, plan, prepare. It is his job to do that in order to demonstrate his interest. If he can’t be bothered as much as to specifically invite me to go over to his place, I really can’t be bothered to make myself fully available to him with zero effort from him. In fact, I would take this as an opportunity to let him know that I do not feel comfortable just dropping by at his place, but if he wants to invite me to come any specific time and day, I would de delighted. And then stick to my guns.

  13.  #13Indigo on May 10, 2016 at 3:27 am

    Mandy 5,

    Here is my perspective on the two questions you raised.

    * Compliments
    In my experience, all men love to be complimented on the things they do, the things they achieve, anything which earns them respect and makes them feel like a winner. Likewise with anything that makes them feel masculine – how strong they are, how well they understand cars or electronics. You get the idea. Men love to feel useful and helpful and accomplished. You can go wild with these sorts of compliments, and I’ve found it is actually a lovely thing to do for the man you are with.
    As far as complimenting a guy’s looks… here I would tread a bit more carefully. Remember YOU are the pretty one. You don’t want to go over into the territory of putting too much emphasis on a guy’s looks, because he actually likes to feel that he is with a beautiful woman, and if he starts to feel like he is the better looking one, it has a strange effect on him. Funny I know, but that is what I have observed. Some guys are also shy and reserved, and compliments about their looks make them feel awkward. My boyfriend is like that. He is shy and doesn’t like the limelight. He is also very good looking and knows that he is, and he doesn’t enjoy being told that he’s very good looking in a lavish way. He has specifically said that. So for him I really don’t need to say much about this. It is enough for him to know I am sexually attracted to him, and if he asks me how he looks (for example before we go out) I tell him he looks gorgeous. I don’t say more than that, because I know it makes him uncomfortable. Other guys seem to really love reassurance about the way they look. So it’s really about using your intuition about the guy in question. If you suspect his energy would pull away from you if you complimented him, rather don’t. But there’s nothing wrong with an occasional well-timed compliment. For example, J doesn’t like being told how handsome he is, but I will sometimes say how much a particular shirt suits him. Subtle difference.

    * Going over to his house or initiating contact
    Like Victoria, I also would not take advantage of this too much. J has said I can come over whenever I want to but I have never rocked up uninvited. Again, I think a lot has to do with the energy dynamic between you. Experiment with doing it and see how it feels. See how he responds. I definitely wouldn’t make a habit of going over uninvited or initiating contact… take your time and allow a flow to be established. Allow him to also come to you. But if he’s asked you to contact him or come over then I don’t think you could mess things up by doing this every once in a while. Go with how things feel and the energy between you rather than any hard and fast “rules”.

  14.  #14Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 4:07 am

    Liquid Light #24
    Ohhh… no… this goes along with a few posts that were talking about the book “The Gift of Fear”

    I know when I have men who continue to call or stop by I get VERY masculine and tell them point blank – “I will contact the police If I hear from you one more time”
    That had ALWAYS stopped them!

    How frightening that would feel to have someone ring my doorbell then fun!
    Hopefully it is random and only a kid random pranking…
    Does your building have cameras in the hall? Can you contact your building manager if this continues?
    Stay safe lovely lady!!

  15.  #15Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 4:31 am

    Elsie #2
    I have followed Rori’s blog (and the archives) at least a year before I felt ready to share any of my thoughts or questions here on Siren Island….
    I do remember some of your journeys back then!
    It feels so good to hear how happy you are after working with the Rori Tools!
    What you wrote
    This resonated with me this morning….
    ” Men will tell you exactly how they feel if you listen. The problem is that
    sometimes we dont really want to hear
    what they are saying –
    so we just “interpret” it however we want.”

    and of course this is Powerful….
    ” I hope it stays like this, and if it doesnt,
    then thats fine with me too,
    and I’ll move on – healthy and whole on my own.”

  16.  #16Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 4:42 am

    LoveToMe #6
    I do really like what you brought up here about Mandy’s questions on complimenting a man…
    ” They might be shy and not know how to “take”
    the compliment.
    But don’t worry about that. It’s not your job.
    Your only job in that situation would be, if you see something about a guy you like – his hair, his beard, his clothes, his rippling pectorals – say what it is.”

    Our motivation…. are we expecting him to compliment us back? to love us MORE? is it leaning forward too much… putting *them* on a pedestal – when we know YOURE the one one to be on the pedestal!!!

  17.  #17Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 4:50 am

    LoveToMe #7
    Ahhh… your soft, oh so vulnerable, siren song is beautiful here…
    as Victoria said… so raw and exquisitely BEAUTIFUL!!!

    Whenever I have been able to appreciate My part
    (not blaming me) in any situation
    it has allowed me to swim forward…
    out of the soup
    and LOVE ME MORE!!!

    As Grace mentioned in the last thread…
    No blaming darling Siren
    Grace told us when she was feeling less than loving toward herself…
    she looked herself in the mirror and cried and hugged and hugged herself and comforted herself..
    It always feels sooo good when I can do this and give myself a BIG DOSE OF COMPASSION…
    for when I give myself all this unconditional love I know someone else can give it to me as well
    and I’ll be able to accept it
    receive it
    and feel it!!
    Smooches darling siren…

  18.  #18Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 4:51 am

    So good to see you on the blog this morning…
    How are things with your man?

  19.  #19Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 5:18 am

    I don’t have much to write about, I am happy with R. in a very un-eventful way. I still come to read, and I some of the stories I follow with great interest. There have been a few times when I was tempted to comment, but now I have learnt to be able to identify when I am triggered because of my own un-resolved issues and, thanks to the wonderful ladies here and to Rori, I now have so many tools available to be able to cure myself out of my own anxiety. I am in a much better place emotionally than I have been in the last 4-5 years.
    I am still amazed, on an every day basis, how easy a relationship can be with a man who adores me and wants to please me, and how unusual it is not to need to manipulate him or strategize about how to get him to do things for me.
    There are things that I could complain about, but they are so minor in comparison to the general feeling of safety and comfort that he has provided to me, that they are not worth mentioning, and I have learnt to care about the big items and not sweat the small stuff.
    I see you write a lot lately, and I read carefully and follow your story. Are you happy with where you are?

  20.  #20Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 5:22 am

    I know you like a good quote, so here is one I found lately on FB, that I am sure you will apreciate :
    “the secret to having a fit body and a great relationship is to keep your mouth shut” (hope it makes sense in Enlish :-).

  21.  #21Indigo on May 10, 2016 at 5:38 am

    Victoria 18,

    “I am still amazed, on an every day basis, how easy a relationship can be with a man who adores me and wants to please me, and how unusual it is not to need to manipulate him or strategize about how to get him to do things for me.
    There are things that I could complain about, but they are so minor in comparison to the general feeling of safety and comfort that he has provided to me, that they are not worth mentioning, and I have learnt to care about the big items and not sweat the small stuff.”

    Yes, yes and a thousand times yes. And also the bit about keeping your mouth shut. A great man who loves you doesn’t need to be coaxed to make you happy and safe, he just does it.

    J wrote me last night that I am the reason he smiles in the morning and that I have no idea how much joy I bring into his life. I thought about how wonderful that feeling was, for me, compared with all the guys I have been with who made me feel like I was at fault or in some way “not doing things right”. Ugh. It feels so great to know I can be in an easy, happy relationship by being myself.

  22.  #22Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 5:55 am

    I have been thinking about you a lot, I am keeping my fingers crossed for your beautiful new (it is still kind of new, isn’t it?) relationship. You so deserve it!
    Do you ever think about D? I remember you wrote once upon a time that you have set yourself a time limit to wait for him. For 7 years, if I remember correctly. Oh boy. Do you have any idea what happened with him after you left?

  23.  #23Indigo on May 10, 2016 at 6:17 am


    Thank you. It has been 2 months with me and J… I saw when I woke up this morning that he had decided to put our relationship on Facebook. Which was really sweet 🙂

    I do think about D still, but it is to feel compassion for him. He is still in the exact same emotional position that he was in when I met him, and everything in his life is exactly the same. Same job, same house, same friends, same activities (or lack thereof)… same approach to relationships and women. In fact if I am not mistaken he has some poor girl hanging on the end of a string now whom he sleeps with/hangs out with but has absolutely no intention of taking it any further. Sigh. I really cared for him once upon a time, and I still do, but I would like to see him happy, not depressed and defeatist living out this empty existence which goes nowhere.

    But above all, I am glad it is not me in the position of that girl any more. I thank the Universe and the wise powers that be every single day that I was spared throwing any more of my life down that drain and was able to pursue and find true love and happiness.

  24.  #24Victoria on May 10, 2016 at 7:36 am

    I am so happy for you! Brava!

  25.  #25Elsie on May 10, 2016 at 7:49 am

    Indigo: Yay! I’m so happy for you. You are 100% right – its amazing when its easy, and you know its because we went through so much – convincing, manipulating, forcing a square peg in a round hole, that we sort of “lost” what Rori was really saying – at least I did. For a long time, I tried to use her tools to manipulate to get what I wanted. It took a while for me to realize and really internalize what she was saying. Sometimes the answer isnt the one you want, but its the answer – he just doesnt want you – and boy thats a blessing when someone great comes along that does. This guy now that I’m with he calls me SOFT, FEMININE, and GENTLE. LOL LOL LOL – what?!?!?! I was a raving lunatic with these other men. I mean, I was CRAZY. They made me crazy and I made them crazy because they werent right for me. We weren’t well calibrated together, but instead of seeing that and letting go, I became a fury firestorm of anger and manipulation – trying to use Rori’s tools to maneuver my way through. haha….and now this guy thinks I”m “soft” well, its true I am…..with HIM. 🙂

    Victoria: Yay! I’m so glad for you too! NO manipulation is right. Wow, that took me a LONG time. Just like the “Rules” books are not really about the rules, its about loving yourself and putting yourself as a priority – so is Rori. I love it and I love your story and INDIGOS!!!

    Lovetome: I will just offer this. I found it curious that you said you didnt feel “good enough”to be around married friends. Maybe this is why you are choosing a poly set of friends? Maybe not. But I’ll just gently offer this – maybe you dont think you are worthy of someone doting only on you – and giving his full attenton to you, just you, always you. You deserve that. You deserve a man who wholeheartedly wants only you (if that is what you want as well.) Just saying that the verbage you used puzzled me and struck a note when you said not “good enough” Just a thought 🙂

    And AzureBlu – THANK YOU!!!!!! 🙂

    It is nice to see friendly old faces here 🙂

  26.  #26Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Loving all your lessons and journey that you are sharing here…
    very helpful
    Thank you!

  27.  #27Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 9:44 am

    Victoria #18
    Wow… what sparkley, happy wonderful life…
    To be able to use the tools now, and pull yourself out of your anxieties!!
    AND to be the best YOU in 4-5 years…
    and to be easy breezy with a man who ADORES YOU!!!
    love this!
    I’m feeling very happy for all the happy women here that are sharing how it feels to be with a man that makes them feel cherished and safe and easy!

    Me too… although i have been questioning how much of these differences I am interested in doing…
    I still am with a man who does adore me…
    is very masculine by planning our times together and takes care of me when I’m sick… makes me laugh, smile and feel happy when Im with him…
    It is a WONDERFUL place to be… so much different/better than any relationship I have been in!
    because I have and LOVE using all the Rori tools and all the wonderful wisdom here on Siren Island…

  28.  #28Starla on May 10, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Mandy, I love giving compliments! It’s the one area I ALWAYS used feeling messages. “I feel so safe riding in the car when you’re driving!” to tell him he’s a great driver (this is a big one for me, hehe). “The ambiance of this restaurant feels so lovely and the food tastes just a good..I feel so happy to be here,” to tell him he has great taste. “I feel excited seeing you in this suit,” to tell him how nice he looks. “A very protected feeling comes over me whenever you hug me,” to tell him he’s a great hugger.

    I could give you more specific examples if you want! Just let me know what you have in mind.

    These statements NEVER come off as desperate, in my opinion. They are so innocent and not loaded when framed this way.

  29.  #29HeartBeat on May 10, 2016 at 10:09 am

    Dear Debbie,

    I’m wishing you love and hugs and beautiful things at this time. I feel inspired at your bravery.
    I searched myself for the right word to share with you about how reading your letter to Rori made me feel- amazing, I felt amazing reading about what you did.

    Thank you for sharing it with Rori, and Rori thank you for posting- learning my example. I loved reading it 🙂
    Love xx

  30.  #30Jessie1001 on May 10, 2016 at 10:55 am

    I like this post, I think the hard work thats instilled in me very deeply is to keep trying when somethings already dead….
    TRY TRY TRY which is the opposite of useful in relationships…
    When I dont try, I go through terrible anxiety…lately I have been working it out at the gym…trying to turn away from my break up….he was so mean to me, he started out so wonderful…about 2 months through, I gave up and broke up with him. He started to change but by then it was too late. Generally, I find the average man I end up surrounded by me is very mean, abusive, rude, spoiled, arrogant and users for what they can get…money, cooking, groceries, whatever. Every once in a while i find a nice one but the majority i have met for the last year or so has been disappointing.

    I like a shiny nice new one to come along, universe, with a nice dispostion and a big gentle heart
    Hope this comes for me and all of you girls too

  31.  #31Azure Blu on May 10, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Ahhh… I love these compliments using the FM!!
    They are so positive and warm and JUICY!!!
    Thanx for sharing…

    I have pasted and copied them in my archives…
    I’d love to hear more if you have time!! :+)

  32.  #32Linda on May 11, 2016 at 5:25 am

    When I read this post my heart sank and soared at the same time. Sank because it is NEVER fun to be given a break up speech. Soared because of Debbie’s response.
    In my opinion, that kind of response can only come from a woman who is in real touch with her worth. One who is settled and comfortable with who she is.

    There is a line that caused me to cringe when I read it…”I will not reach out because I believe he will come around”. This is where I gasp. Believing he will come around is not doing herself any favors. It feels like she is leaving herself on a “hook” ,subconciously influencing her. It will that thing that overshadows anything new. Like putting someone on your horse and riding on… well , I have done it. It feels quite awful. Everywhere you try to go “NEW” is convoluted with the old.

    I wish that read. It feels awful to be still stuck there and believe me it feels stuck there.

    Holding any

  33.  #33Linda on May 11, 2016 at 5:26 am

    When I read this post my heart sank and soared at the same time. Sank because it is NEVER fun to be given a break up speech. Soared because of Debbie’s response.
    In my opinion, that kind of response can only come from a woman who is in real touch with her worth. One who is settled and comfortable with who she is.

    There is a line that caused me to cringe when I read it…”I will not reach out because I believe he will come around”. This is where I gasp. Believing he will come around is not doing herself any favors. It feels like she is leaving herself on a “hook” ,subconciously influencing her. It will that thing that overshadows anything new. Like putting someone on your horse and riding on… well , I have done it. It feels quite awful. Everywhere you try to go “NEW” is convoluted with the old.

    I wish that read. It feels awful to be still stuck there and believe me it feels stuck there.

    Holding on to anything there is “stuck”

  34.  #34Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 5:51 am

    Victoria #19
    Ahhh yes… I do love a good quote! :+)

    The one you shared is perfect
    “The secret to a fit body and good relationship… Keep Your Mouth Shut”

  35.  #35Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 5:52 am

    Hey girl! Good to see you on here this morning.
    How are you and your lovely life?

  36.  #36Lilybelly on May 11, 2016 at 7:26 am

    I love the bravery of the woman who wrote this letter to Rori. To stand in her own knowing and trust that her words were true to her and the things she believes she needs in her life.

    I would like to start the healing process. I question how I can start to undo the emotional abuse and the level of disbelief and anger that I feel. Is there a step by step plan? lol

    Step 1: kick someone’s A$$. just kidding.

    I am serious, where do I start, Sirens? I want to come out of all of this strong and soft and desirable (for me) and back to my fun and sassy self.

    I did go get my hair blonder and shorter than it’s been in awhile. So cute and sassy. The outside stuff can help the inside stuff in some ways but I need the inside stuff to get moving as well.

    WWRD… What would Rori do?
    Circular Date? yikes!
    Curl up in ball and cry? No.
    Bargain with the Universe?

    How and where do I start.

  37.  #37Victoria on May 11, 2016 at 7:57 am

    I am in no position to be able to give you advice specific to your situation, but I would like to share with you what works for me in order to overcome disappointments and hardships in my own life.
    1. Exercise. Depending on your current level of fitness you need to choose something which is between comfortable and slightly above your comfort zone. There are no better antidepresants in the world than the ones that you brain manufactures when you exercise. Please, no excuses. If you don’t want to exersise, you really do not want to heal. And, you need to exercise EVERY DAY. Non-negotiable.
    2. Eat right. Go gluten free for a week or so to see whether it makes a difference for your sleep and moods. It did wonders for me. If you don’t like it, you can always go back to bread, pasta, etc., but try it at least for a week.
    3. No alchohol at all.
    4. Circular date the world. Do not tell people about your broken heart (except here) not because there is something to hide, but simply to avoid re-living the story every time you tell it. Ask people about themselves and their lives. Everybody is suffering, everybody loves a sympathetic ear.
    5. Try to find a cause to volunteer and help others, especially vulnerable people. I don’t know what is available where you live, but there must be a good cause you can find near you.
    6. Look up “the Work” by Byron Katie. It has been very very helpful for me. I really love the questions she asks, and for your case it would be something like “who would you be without the story about emotional abuse and betrayal”.
    7. Trust that the Universe has a great plan for you, and the reason that you are experiencing loss right now is because something new and wonderful needs to happen in your life, and you need to make space for it.

  38.  #38Mandy on May 11, 2016 at 9:04 am

    Thanks Sirens, I’m taking note of all this!

    DW definitely doesn’t want to re-iterate himself, he says I know I can come by when i want, that his place is a safe one, and i think he likes it and feels happy when he has me there. I don’t do it often. Like once a month. And he’s nothing but smiles and happy when I’m there. Can’t be too bad.

    Yes I do not like being complimented on my looks lavishly it’s embarrassing and suggests shallowness, I understand that…so that’s not great….

    But feeling safe…I feel that would be fine to say to a man ….I feel so safe with you 🙂

  39.  #39Lilybelly on May 11, 2016 at 9:16 am

    36: Victoria,

    Thank you so much. Really.

    First thing…daily exercise starting after work today.

  40.  #40April Rose on May 11, 2016 at 10:37 am


    I’d like to add one more thing to Victoria’s fabulous list.

    It is something that Rori talked about in depth on her recent “make your dream real” webinar.

    Fall in love with it:
    Meaning pour love onto all the feelings, especially any bad-feeling ones. Pour love onto any judgements that come up about yourself. Fall in love with voices that try to beat you up, that say “should have done x,y,z”

    Fall in love with everything that is going on with you internally.

  41.  #41Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 10:50 am

    Victoria #36
    FABULISCIOUS list!!!
    love it…
    I might add to change your diet…
    Try and stay away from Sugar…
    Rori always advices this and
    I have noticed how My anxiety
    raises when i eat too much!!
    and as you say Victoria… less pasta and bread which both turn into sugar in our system…
    What a thoughful and thorough list for us all

  42.  #42Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 10:55 am

    April Rose #39
    I missed Rori’s webinar on Sat.
    I got SOOOO sick i couldn’t move…
    I have the replay…
    cant wait to listen.
    How did you like it?

    I got an email from Rori’s “you CAN have it all”
    and the “Pour Love on All of it” is what she wrote abbout…
    I have to say…this is one of THE *MOST* powerful tools I use!
    It has caused me to fall in LOVE with ALL of me…
    which in turn has raised my self esteem to new and profound heights!

  43.  #43Flower26 on May 11, 2016 at 11:07 am

    Hi Rori
    I have a question that relates to your theory of there having to be no attraction in the beginning for a relationship to work.
    Basically when I met my boyfriend nothing mattered but how he made me feel how much effort he put into the relationship.
    I wasn’t attracted to him so let him convince me and that then developed the love I had for him. He listened, he brought me flowers, he complimented me, He loved me found me attractive.

    As time went on I let my insecurities kick in a lot of fighting took place and has taken place in the last years we have lived together. I showed him a lot of my anger jealousy insecurities still he always came back. I try to change and it never works we always argue.

    I have come to the conclusion that it’s because we are way too different.
    I’m at a point were I want to end it.
    Why? We rarely have sex, we see things so differently we have different lives basically we are total opposites. He annoys me, doesn’t help around the house, he doesn’t have the capacity, I believe, to put himself in my shoes. When I ask him for a favor only if he feels good he’ll help. Basically he’s really selfish. For example he watches porn I have said how it bothered me and he makes no effort to stop watching it.
    When I share something with him he has a totally different view on it and that then makes me feel bad and unheard.
    I feel frustrated. And I have noticed my body is always tense when around him. There’s tension in the air when we are together. He’s really serious has no humor I laugh at the stupidest thing
    What I’m saying is that these things didn’t matter in the beginning but now I am wondering if they were the most important things.

    I find myself daydreaming about other possible relationships about one day getting married and having an intellectually stimulating conversation. loving the same things hating the same things too with my partner lol.
    I want to be adored pleased spoiled romanced.
    He says that he has his own way of loving me and That what I see is what I get that it’s as good as it gets, those were his words. He says he loves me
    And that like me he wants love and acceptance
    But I’m of doing all the work of being the one have to initiate anything
    If I don’t ask him for sex it doesn’t take place.

    I guess what I am asking is, is it a bad move to leave?
    am I running from what a relationship ultimately turns to: two people living together feeling no excitement or attraction for one another.
    Was the attraction I built ultimately gonna come back and bite me on the butt since it wasn’t real and we weren’t even alike?
    Should I stay or should I go?
    I’m fearful that I’m leaving something good a good man who is just a little slow and way too different from me. He doesn’t express himself the way I do.
    I’m scared I’m asking for too much;
    Someone who will adore me listen and once in a while have sex with me.
    I want to be happy and I am not.
    Is this unhappiness coming from the relationship or is it just something inside me I have to deal with ?

    Even if he says he loves me I don’t think I love him anymore.
    I’m 26 and don’t think I’m happy here anymore

  44.  #44Beloved on May 11, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Using the “pour love on it” tool like it’s my job…. omg… The sex was so good and I feel such a weakness for a lanky, goofy stoner guy, goddess help me I just do. Ha 🙂 L9v8ng all up on it and tapping into every punce of strength to believe I can have that kind of sex and chemistry with someone available…

  45.  #45Grace on May 11, 2016 at 11:51 am

    Omg not sure why my phone won’t save…

  46.  #46Lilybelly on May 11, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    I’ll search my email for the “Pour love on it all” writing.

    Thank you so much, fabulous ladies.

  47.  #47Liquid Light on May 11, 2016 at 3:08 pm

    I just had The Best Date!! 🙂

    We went to one of my favorite restaurants, the weather was gorgeous, food was amazing, and he was kind, smart, engaging, funny and Normal. He’s incredibly good a what he does and very passionate about it. We had a great conversation. And he’s cute too! Wow!!! I haven’t had a date like that in YEARS!!! Woohoooo!!!!

  48.  #48Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    (((((Liquid Light))))
    Wooo Hooo!!! :*)

  49.  #49Azure Blu on May 11, 2016 at 4:15 pm

    You’ve got this fabulous Siren!!

  50.  #50Elsie on May 11, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    Liquid Light – HOW AWESOME IS THAT? I smiled just reading that – you deserve it!

  51.  #51Grace on May 11, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Azure Blu – thank you, hahaha. OMG my libido was RAGING!! Fortunately work got really interesting and I unexpectedly got to take over programming for an event and show that I actually can do what I’ve been telling them I can do. Plus, I got to work one-on-one with one of the more experienced designers, who has always been morose and constantly argumentative, and somehow by the end of the day he was laughing and laughing like crazy. He apologized over, and over, and OVER again for being a d*ck, to the point where he was even telling himself to shut up and stop saying it. He even called me later to walk me through some troubleshooting and was totally enjoying himself and couldn’t stop laughing at everything I said. So that was super fun to see that other side of him. 😀

    Lots of other good things going on for me sexually, but I feel like keeping that private for now.

    Two more finals to go…!

  52.  #52Liquid Light on May 12, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Thank you Azure and Elsie! 🙂

    Elsie, its so nice to see you back here. And so great to hear how wonderful your relationship is! I’m so happy for you! 🙂

  53.  #53Sirenity on May 12, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Hi Rori and Sirens,

    I have been out here dating for a while and reading the blog quite often. This post just got me hooked as it is EXACTLY how it happened for me with a man called the Major. Our long distance was two road hours away and we saw each other every weekend and holidays etc for 15 months. In our case he asked me to move to him and that made sense job and family wise . As soon as I started to seriously move towards that happening he vamoosed.He had been all TALK about the relationship to grow old together blah blah, but his ACTIONS belied the truth..ie he couldn’t do it.

    He came back after a few weeks but he was not all in, he was depressed he was uncommitted and he eventually dumped me by text in a nasty way after a family wedding we attended together. The signs were all there. its hard to see when you are in it.

    I know how shocking this feels . In essence the shock and suddenness was more painful than being dumped. I forced my self to CD soon after with man friends mainly and soon i did meet someone lovely , Opera Guy. Then he got cancer. But thats another story for later on.

    Here and now I hope this Siren understands what Rori says is so true. Men are OFTEN not “ready” but they don’t know it till a crisis point hits .There is not a lot we can do about that except carefully watch their actions. And of course we can accept their decision with grace and maturity, lean back and let them go , and start walking around the next corner and the next into the direction WE want to be heading..

    Great post and beautiful “speech..” Sadly with the Maj i didn’t get the chance to make a “speech”. It took a half hour of texting till I realised he was cancelling “us”. I wasn’t elegant or mature..i just said ” So you are deleting me by text? What a man!!!”…Bad Siren..but it worked for me 🙂

  54.  #54Lilybelly on May 12, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    April Rose,

    I searched and searched for The “pour love on it all” and I can’t find it. I had emails in there from forever ago.. 5 digits of emails in there, I’m ashamed to say. Not this specific one in there.

    Do you have it or anyone have it?

    I’ve had a very angry day today. Very. Dang it.
    At least I’m not bawling anymore.


  55.  #55Lilybelly on May 12, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    I’m sitting here wondering why I shouldn’t be angry. Instead of trying to love myself out of it, I should feel the anger. Isn’t that part of this healing thing?

    I want to yell and rawrrrr and jump up and down, hit walls, rake a golf club to a tree (did that many years ago and it felt great), punch walls until I collapse from utter exhaustion.

    I don’t feel like I can do that. Because of the horribleness of this, people expect me to feel that way. I get it. But I am trying to behave in a dignified manner so that folks don’t know just how much I love him. Just how much I will miss him, and just how very much my heart is broke.

    Indifference acting and faking things, is exhausting. Even though I know how awful, truly awful he was to me and that he is slowly killing me..

  56.  #56Indigo on May 12, 2016 at 4:05 pm


    Don’t fight any of your feelings. Don’t “should” yourself. Just let your feelings be, let them flow. Feel your way through this… that I know for sure is the way out.

  57.  #57Millie on May 12, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    Feeling a bit mixed lately. On one hand I talked with my coach about finding my “essence” and we created a really beautiful statement that made me smile and feel lit up inside when I said it. I like the version of me that it reflects and I believe it is true. The key word is “innocence.” I never though of myself as innocent, but I am. I have a pure girlish heart, which has unfortunately been damaged and I have not truly allowed it to heal. My feelings around this feel very much the opposite of what I’ve been “doing,” which is being sexually overt, blunt, crass, and disbelieving. I find I am happier with and around men when I am feeling “innocent” and sweet and when they make me feel that way. I can see why I’ve been unhappy because I so long to just be able to be sweet and trusting, but many of the men I have allowed to enter my heart I have let hurt it and break my beliefs. Their actions contradictory to the pureness and true blue I want to feel. If that makes sense. This is probably why I love my friend T so much. He brings that pureness and authenticity out of me. I feel challenged by him to establish my values, to act honest and right, not to bend, not to act low value or attract him with s*x. I have no desire to do that and I know he would not respond well if I did, because he himself is pure. He is not tainted with the games men and women learn to play once they’ve been hurt.

    I have a date this saturday.I am looking forward to it, and one on sunday, but I feel bored by him sad to say even though his effort has been good. No word from the man who stood me up last wknd. Probably because I cussed at him! Which I NEVER EVER do, but I was pretty annoyed and mad and thought you know what I never say things like this. Looking back on the conversation now I think he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He was s*xual on the phone with me, but I liked it. I want a virile man. I guess on one hand I want to support male sexuality, but on the other I feel like I’m supposed to reject men if they get sexual to early in the conversation….I still don’t know how to properly navigate this.

    I’m regretting deleting my online profile so hastily, I guess I just imploded on myself. I am thinking of trying match again, but I don’t want to pay…any other suggestions with a good pool of high quality men? lol

  58.  #58Indigo on May 13, 2016 at 1:08 am


    Just a thought about online dating. Most of the sites allow an option where you can hide your profile instead of deleting it. This means you appear to everyone on the site as if you have deleted your profile, but it remains there in the background and you can log back in and reactivate it any time you want. I found this to be very helpful. Any time you feel overwhelmed, or when you first get exclusive with someone, you can go and hide your profile and then just go back to it whenever you’re ready.

    Personally I loved Tinder. I loved it over here, but I don’t know what it’s like in the States. We are a lot more conservative over here, so people just looking for a hook up tend to be in the minority. I’d recommend staying away from bars and guys you meet while partying or drinking with your friends… take a class or join an activity club which is likely to attract a lot of male interest. In my engineering degree that I am doing at university it is about 75% guys… if I were 18 or 19 again I could have my pick, lol.

  59.  #59Grace on May 13, 2016 at 7:14 am

    Omg sirens. I am my own worst enemy, I swear.
    We had freak flooding a few weeks ago, and when I got home I thought about putting my car in the driveway but didn’t, because I didn’t think it would get that bad.
    Well, my car flooded.
    And do you know how many people told me to get my oil changed?
    And I didn’t.
    And now my car is a big paperweight. I have no flood insurance because the car
    IDK wtf about myself sometimes. I just really do not know.

  60.  #60Grace on May 13, 2016 at 7:29 am

    Oh, they said it wasn’t flood-related.
    Sort of better.
    Still need to work on taking care of stuff tho.

  61.  #61Grace on May 13, 2016 at 8:09 am

    I feel amused with how quickly I get into self-blame 🙂

    I feel so willing to forgive and love myself, and already I’m seeing all the ways this actually worked out the best way possible. My nephew of all people, who I rarely talk to, has seriously stepped up and been a very masculine man and has been taking care of a lot of things that were stressful to me. I feel grateful and love how metaphorical it feels that this is happening on my graduation day 🙂

    I feel curious how this all works out.

  62.  #62Azure Blu on May 13, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Happy Graduation darling Siren!!!
    Wooo HOOO!!! sparkles, fireworks!!
    and champaigne all around!!!

    So sorry to hear about the flood damage NOT being covered but am supper impressed with
    how you are NOT being a victim and appreciating alll the Help YOU ARE getting!

    Me too… I don’t know How i get in my own way…
    And I’m All “grown up”
    just LOVE to punish ME
    by making sure I pay and pay again for stuff
    that I sabotogue
    when soooo many people WANT and HAVE helped me????
    seems —MORE self love is the answer!

  63.  #63Azure Blu on May 13, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    In looking for the Pour Love all over tool for Lilly bell… I found this…

    Not sure who wrote this:
    “Carol Pearson, in her book The Hero Within, says “Being ladylike or gentlemanly and denying one’s anger simply results in the unconscious sabotage of relationships.
    Expressing one’s anger is transformative because it allows for a true and open, honest relationship. It makes way, therefore, for love.”

    We have so many reasons for not expressing our feelings
    openly and in the moment:
    It’s not appropriate. I’m wrong about it.
    What I’m feeling is so childish.
    I’ve done much too much work on myself to be feeling like this.
    They all boil down to fear.
    Fear of retribution — He’ll get mad at me.
    Fear of what will happen — He’ll leave me.
    Fear of what he’ll think of us — He already thinks I’m a drama queen, now he’ll think I’m needy.

    Yep, we don’t know what’ll happen.
    The risks, however, of speaking our feelings
    in bits and pieces and in words men can hear
    are minuscule compared to the risks of not speaking our feelings.

    In Rori Raye terms, Saying how you feel in the moment is taking care of yourself
    and your relationships in the best way possible.
    Every time you say only “I feel disconnected,” or
    “I feel sad,” or
    “I feel soooo goood!”
    and then let your man come up with the next sentence, you are creating alchemy.
    Magic happens inside your body.
    The energy that’s been built up trying to keep the feeling hidden
    suddenly is released.

    Devoting our lives to constantly tracking,
    guessing, analyzing,
    trying to change what’s going on
    in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies
    is a sad waste of our considerable,
    wonderful energies.
    Making him our project is us dismissing who we are
    — as if who we are is helplessly linked to who he is.

    How much more fun and satisfying it would be
    to like what we like and just simply not like what we don’t like.
    To love ourselves for who we are
    — even if we’re not quite sure at any given moment who that is
    — Halloween mask and all.
    It takes courage to risk what we know
    to have what we don’t know.
    It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for.
    It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart,
    little by little,
    until you both see that both of you are worthy.

    Stand up for yourself.
    Be for yourself. Be for love.
    Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.”

  64.  #64Lilybelly on May 13, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Indigo, thank you for the reminder..

    Azure, that was great and I thank you for taking the time to look for it for me. Very thoughtful of you.

  65.  #65Lilybelly on May 13, 2016 at 3:45 pm

    I get to leave on a business to Hotlanta tomorrow. I even upgraded myself to First Class because I could. Little did I know when I booked this trip, how fitting this was. Six, whole days where I can ignore, go dark if you will, on him. I can spend six days flirting and CDing all the hot dudes in Atlanta and I can practice finding me and pouring love on my valued customers. I am the best in the business..a smoother and a relationship builder. CDing every male I encounter and that includes our 2nd in command. A big, big shot here from England.

    Oh boy.. I feel so excited.

    And I don’t have to talk to him or text him or anything.

    And oh boy!! CDing..

    I hope I remember how.

  66.  #66Liquid Light on May 14, 2016 at 10:58 am

    Go Lilybelly! I hope you have a great time! It sounds like you will! 🙂

  67.  #67April Rose on May 15, 2016 at 2:45 am


    I made notes in the webinar. I too haven’t got an e-mail about ‘Pour Love on It All’.

    In the webinar, Rori said

    “Feel anger and rage as just energy. And instead of shutting down, open up. We’re habitually forgetting to feel.”

    “Fall in love with the voices inside you that are screaming at you.”

    “Oh, I just judged myself. What a swet voice inside me that’s trying to protect me.”

    “Fall in love with the thing you do, and with the voice that judges it as wrong or bad.”

    “Fall in love with the people around you who are not supporting you.”

    “Fall in love with the tight shoulders, with the tense belly, with the feelings.”

    “When we sink down into ourself, things are drawn to us.”

    “Honour and love your pain.

  68.  #68April Rose on May 15, 2016 at 2:45 am


    I made notes in the webinar. I too haven’t got an e-mail about ‘Pour Love on It All’.

    In the webinar, Rori said

    “Feel anger and rage as just energy. And instead of shutting down, open up. We’re habitually forgetting to feel.”

    “Fall in love with the voices inside you that are screaming at you.”

    “Oh, I just judged myself. What a swet voice inside me that’s trying to protect me.”

    “Fall in love with the thing you do, and with the voice that judges it as wrong or bad.”

    “Fall in love with the people around you who are not supporting you.”

    “Fall in love with the tight shoulders, with the tense belly, with the feelings.”

    “When we sink down into ourself, things are drawn to us.”

    “Honour and love your pain.”

  69.  #69April Rose on May 15, 2016 at 2:49 am


    When I read in your post that you were feeling angry, it made me feel delighted.

    To me, your anger is a sign of your power returning.

    Rori doesn’t advise masking it, or ‘trying to love yourself out of it’.

    In the webinar, she said “Feel the energy, the anger, the feelings. You don’t need to do anything with them, just let them build.”

    I love your powerful plan to CD in Atlanta. Go girl!

  70.  #70April Rose on May 15, 2016 at 2:59 am

    Azure Blu,

    I got a happy feeling when I read that falling in love with everything that goes on in you has “raised my self esteem to new and profound heights!”

    So powerful.

  71.  #71Azure Blu on May 15, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Lillybell & Sirens,
    here is an excerpt to the “Pour Love on all of your feelings ” from an email I received from Rori last week!
    “4. When you turn up with a sensation that instantly throws you into fear
    and doubt and mental problem solving:

    Just do it all again, and again, and again… Say your feeling, sensation, thought…and turn it around – “Flip” it! – into a Want.

    So the above: “I feel sick to my stomach…”

    Flips to: “I want to feel perky and upbeat and hungry…”

    Then whatever feelings and sensations THAT brings up:

    “I feel sick that I don’t feel perky…”

    …and on and on…

    5. Next step: Fall In Love with those feelings and sensations – even (especially) the ones you don’t like. Write it out something like this:

    I love my fear, because it wants to protect me, because that’s how I was raised, and I love my self as a child, even though things were crummy, I got so strong from going through those things, and I love myself so much because I’m so brave to have got this far…

    …and I’m so smart for understanding what’s going on with me, and I’m so incredible for WANTING anything, and…

    Just “throw” love and acceptance, like soothing water, all over that feeling, sensation or thought, accept and love it all, focus on the good feeling part of whatever came up…

    … on and on, just like this – accepting, loving, embracing, jumping to the next loving thought and feeling…and…

    Keep on going….!

    What we’re doing here is basically retraining your mind and body.

    You’ll be reversing old ideas and patterns, and building new ones that are more thoughtful, gentle, less knee-jerk reactive and feel better.

    **You’ll automatically start feeling more confident.**

    The trick is to be able to “go into action” with your masculine energy without mulling ideas over so long that their spark fades inside you.

    And you’re able to DO this, because your inner “girl” energy is automatically, through this “WANT” practice, beginning to “trust” your instincts to ACT!

    This is in many ways very similar to what an actor does. She learns her lines, where the lights and camera are, where she’s supposed to stand – all masculine energy requirements – and then creates the space where her inner girl feels safe enough to feel, to organically, instinctively allow herself to allow her “boy” to DO on her behalf. She puts herself in the hands of her masculine energy…and let’s loose.

    The idea is for it to be FUN, free-form, and for you to be as AWARE as possible at how you work. How certain thoughts pop up first, how they lead your thought process, then others follow, how a pattern emerges…

    As you become aware of yourself, and keep focusing on the PRESENT with the noticing and writing of Sensations – you’ll see – you’ll start to feel more powerful.

    If you’re wondering what this Tool has to do with “business” and “success” – the answer is EVERYTHING.

    Before we can commit, totally to supporting ourselves, getting ourselves out there, growing bigger than we are right now – we have to be “okay.” with it. We have to get ourselves “onboard” with success, and what that FEELS like.

    In our dreams – things look a certain way. In real life – they look differently.

    This happens with us in love and relationship just as it does in the world of work and career.

    As you begin getting “insider” Have It All and Business Siren Tips – I want to make sure you have a Tool to help you WANT to DO the things I suggest.

    All the strategy in the world can only take us so far.

    As far as we’ll let ourselves get.

    The Trick to Having It All is creating a big enough space to hold it all.

    Have a look at The Business Siren’s Handbook, and all the great new, hands-on and personal Business Siren Mentoring programs – BIZ and the new Siren Mastermind – to see how you can make your dream REAL –>>


    You CAN Have It All, and without stress.

    The secret is in the “How” of staying ALWAYS in your feminine energy and emotions – and in “How” your feminine energy and emotions then “become” the masculine “action.”

  72.  #72Azure Blu on May 15, 2016 at 8:03 am

    April Rose #68
    Thank you for the happy, pat on the back vibes coming my way!!!

  73.  #73LoveToMe on May 16, 2016 at 10:44 am

    It’s been a while. I took a little break from the blog to focus on ME. But I just popped on and read the responses to my #7. Thank you, ladies. Thank you so much. Victoria. Azure Blu. ❤️ I didn’t know that I was touching on something universal. But it feels good to authentically notice myself in a non-blamey way and find it recognized in others. That is a very good feeling.

  74.  #74Mari on May 16, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    I wanted to reach out. I am experiencing what most of you already have. I was in a serious relationship with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years. We lived together. We had a very good loving relationship for a long time. So much so, that he decided to sell his condo to buy us a new home. He took me to all his work events and was proud to have me by his side. I was close to his family too. Unfortunately, prior to him 3 years ago I had left an abusive relationship with my former fiancé. This former ex-fiancé did nothing, but make my life hell. We had businesses together and property together. He sued me and cost me way more than I ever would’ve anticipated. Due to the former fiancé suing I was unable to bring home a salary. Even still, my ex boyfriend was fine with covering the costs. However, this was new to me and it made me feel uncomfortable. I had never been in a relationship where my money was not readily available to me. I feel like I somehow started to be more conscious about that. My Ex bought the home we were supposed to move into in a week. So, we went to stay at his parents’ home for the period. Unfortunately, the house fell out of escrow because the seller couldn’t afford the costs. We were forced to look for a new place. By the time a new house was found we had been at his parents’ for 3 months. Having intimacy with his parents across the hall was difficult. My ex boyfriend felt it was important to make the house perfect. He did a one month remodel now putting us at 4 months at his parents’ home. During this time, my former ex-fiancé did all kinds of nasty things and allowed my building to go into foreclosure. I was facing the lawsuits, foreclosure, and closing of my business. All this while living at my recent boyfriend’s parents. There were delays and in that time things got distant. He stopped saying he loved me. He grew irritable, he said he felt pressured. The weekend the house was ready for us to move he broke off the relationship. I was devastated. We had chosen all kinds of details and I thought this would be the Father of my children. And I felt like the bitter ex-fiancé had a lot to do with it. I prayed it wouldn’t happen when I felt the distance and I think I leaned in to hold him. Of course, the fears betrayed me and I did lose the man I love. I had to move out of his parents’ and he moved into the home he bought for us. It is a terrible story. My ex said that he didn’t even want to move into the house anymore. I did follow through in closing my business as I told him I would, and the lawsuits were dropped by the ex. We have the building for sale and the house will sell too. But nothing I did in this month, is known by my Ex. We saw each other once after the breakup as a closure type of dinner. It was only 4 days after. He told me that he wanted me to know it wasn’t a fake love. He said he had sobbed at night. He said he wanted to know what happened in my life. He said I would always be in his heart. He said he hadn’t told anyone. He even invited me to Easter. Of course, I stayed quiet because my heart wouldn’t allow me to attend. I wouldn’t be able to be around his family and realize that I wouldn’t be after that. For Easter he sent a nice text wishing me and my family a Happy Easter. His Mom did too. They made me cry. I missed him and them so much. He also sent logistical texts saying he had my things. However, a month went by and he delayed. I got hopeful thinking that if he didn’t give me my things… maybe we could reconcile. I thought maybe if I work on me and time passes when he sees that I am stronger again and more confident the love will shine through. Last night he sent a text telling me he hopes I am well and to let him know when I can stop by his parents’ house. I feel like this closes the door on him. It makes me sad. Honestly, I feel like I did lose my self love and I think that is why he pulled back. I am now looking for a job and feel completely lost. My lover, friend, and support is gone and with all the changes happening at once, I sometimes don’t know where to begin. I felt safe before, and now I feel alone and sad because if I had just found a way to get the previous toxic ex out of my area sooner my esteem would have not taken that hit. I blocked the former fiancé from my phone so he can’t send the hateful demeaning texts anymore, and I am getting stronger. But it’s late and I may have lost the one man that I felt I could give children to. Now at almost 41 it is something that I see and it makes me sad. I wish I had moved faster. I know I can’t live in regrets, but this one hurt like no other. It could be everything on me all at once that makes this especially difficult, but I honestly had wished to be his wife and it feels like the rug got pulled out from me. Some people say I should be angry, but I don’t fully blame him. When he broke it off, he said he didn’t feel the same anymore, and I have thought about it and I hadn’t been the same anymore. With all my hits from the former, I think I allowed that to chip away at my esteem. It makes me angry that I moved out from that relationship over 3 years ago and that the abuse continued. I wish there were no ties to him because I left fully from him. But unfortunately the properties and business dealings kept him around. Now that I said the hell with it and let it all go and stopped fighting I am alone. I am jobless and without the one I really did want. It seems so unfair and it makes me sad every morning that I wake up feeling dumb to have to live with my Mom. Things are so upside down. I asked God for help and guidance and I hope he hears me. Maybe you all have some insight. I sure could use some friends.

  75.  #75Bhuvi Smith on May 18, 2016 at 12:01 am

    This was a fantastic article, well written and very informative. Thanks.

  76.  #76sandy on May 24, 2016 at 10:14 am

    I wanted to say thank you for all the women who have posted on this blog..Today is day I needed it most the ideas and peace how to handle the love and frustration that is stuck in my heart and head…Falling in Love is really hard when its your best friend and have to choose. risk sharing your feelings when he doesnt know..He knows I am crazy about him and very proud to be in his life even if its long distance and havent seen him in forever because of jobs and sick parents ..we are both in our 50s and have been doing this for over 3 years The post has given me a way thinking about what I need to say and how to say it without the frustration as I am not angry at him in any way.. He has given me his time and we both have learned wonderful lessons So I guess I should thank him for everything and gracefully tell him I love you and set him free. I dont think he will ever want more than we have or he would have made a effort to do it by now, feeling stuck in love I will always be grateful for the time we have had conversations of support encouragement inspiration admiration trust each other sharing whats going on in our lives during difficult times. I want more than what we share at this point in my life and deserve a great man who chooses to love me ,so risking sharing how I feel can only do two things ,,he feels the same and is afraid to share or he is afraid of falling in love again and leaves..either way it will change how things are between us and wont be able to go back to the way things where..so I really need to find a way in words to express so if he decided he is afraid the door will be open when he is ready.And I have peace in my heart that I wont be walking away without sharing and regrets. He will be calling me tonight as he always does but I want to talk about more than how our days have been and how the families are..I want to share what I am really feeling not skip around the edges .

    Just wanted to share my thoughts and say thank you again for all the stories of bravery in love.