What To Do When He Says…

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save relationshipHere’s a letter from Ann, who’s facing a very common dilemma you’ll surely face in a developing relationship, a long term relationship, or Circular Dating – especially when you’re just starting out with the Rori Raye Tools:

The Question:

“Rori, I’d like to thank you for the advice you’ve given me along the way. The longer I live by it, the better my life gets! Not just my love life!

I’ve had a few incidents now where guys ask me why I don’t get in touch, saying that I ‘wait’ for them to initiate.. and I don’t really know what to say. Have any other women encountered this problem? Thank you, Ann”

My Answer:

If a man looks at you, bewildered (or even judgmental) and asks why you “don’t get in touch” – just say the truth!!

(Try this only one line at a time – however you’re feeling it – instead of trying to fit it all in…):

“I’ve discovered that the only way to discover if a man actually likes me is by the interest he shows…

…and with all the mistakes I’ve made up to now, I’ve also discovered that initiating or reaching out to men usually attracts men who aren’t very…well, manly…

…and I hope that if I pick up the phone and respond when you call, or return your calls (***Note From Rori: You should ALWAYS respond to calls!! Don’t play games about it!), and say yes to dates with you – that you’ll know that’s me demonstrating that I like you and want to spend time with you, and get to know you better, and that I’m open to seeing what happens…

…and it just feels terrible to be chasing after a man in any way.”

If you’re finding yourself in this situation (and you will – a LOT…) –

DON’T CAVE!!!

Don’t let a man “tell” you how to behave. Don’t let a man dictate your behavior.

That’s what all the Rori Raye Tools are for: To help you be more YOURSELF, with full confidence, rather than being pushed into overfunctioning by fear of losing a man.

You’ll begin to see your insecurities fade, better men who really WANT you show up, you’ll feel more in control of yourself and less angry at men, and you’ll discover that relationship isn’t really hard at all!

One of the most confidence-building things in the world for a woman is doing work she loves. It can be what brings the “right man” to her, and what cements a great relationship.

0608262920-sidewglassessmallIf you’ve heard about RRRCT (Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training), and how you can be a trained, mentored and personally referred to Rori Raye Relationship Coach by Thanksgiving – and think being a professional love coach might be the best kind of work for you – on July 7th, we’ll begin RRRCT 2014, and I’d love to work with you.

If this is something you’ve been thinking about – go ahead and let me know! Just go here to get more information and contact Melanie, the RRRCT Administrator–>>

http://www.coachrori.com/be-a-rori-raye-relationship-coach/

Melanie or I will write you back personally, and start an email conversation with you – we’ll answer your questions, and help you decide if RRRCT fits your dreams.

I’m happy to talk with you personally about how being a Rori Raye Coach could be your dream career, how much personal time and mentoring you can expect to get from me, what financial results you can achieve in the shortest time possible, and how the Training itself works.

Being a coach is the hottest profession there is right now – and being in RRRCT guarantees you my personal time, attention, knowledge, mentoring and referrals – PLUS you’ll have my Rori Raye brand name standing behind you and propelling you forward to a successful coaching business.

Love, Rori

 

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199 Comments

  1.  #1Tereana on May 26, 2014 at 6:27 am

    So New!



  2.  #2Tereana on May 26, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Why does this info feel like a duplicate? Maybe I read in in an email recently or something..

    But I had an experience yesterday where I was hanging out with a male friend from high school. He’s really sweet and I nice guy. I never knew him very much. But anyway, I’ve been initiating most stuff. Including yesterday, which was kind if an accident, but it worked out ok. We ended up spending several hours together : ) at the end, he told me to text him or to “get in touch,” if I wanted to hang out. And instead of agreeing or disagreeing, I just looked at him. And a second later, he said, “I’ll call you.” I don’t know if he WILL call me. But it was at least fun to see the switch of intention – from expecting me to be the initiator, to him taking responsibility to be “the man.” All without me saying anything : )



  3.  #3Tereana on May 26, 2014 at 6:43 am

    I need to work on my patience.

    This was one thing that S said to me, and I didn’t like it, but it’s really true. I am very impatient.

    And here’s why: everyone knows that “patience is a virtue.” And I hate when others are impatient. But for myself, I’ve been treating *impatience* as a virtue. I made an agreement at some point that “waiting” would make me seem weak and vulnerable and not strong. So I decided to “not wait.” And the intention was not actual impatience, but that is the result.

    The purpose of that agreement was self-respect. And I am afraid that if I “wait” too long for something it means I do not respect my own needs and time. Sometimes this is true. But, like I said, I think it’s crossed over into really dismissing people and not waiting for Them to be Themselves. It’s manifested as selfish self-involvement that has no room for another person. And of course that wasn’t the point at all.

    So I guess the work and the art and the balance is figuring out how I can do both. Right now, it sounds like a magical proposition…



  4.  #4Femininewoman on May 26, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Yes Tereana I believe I also saw it in an email



  5.  #5Azure Blu on May 26, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Soooo… this very thing happened yesterday and today…
    MNcd took me out to the ballgame on Sat. we had a GREAT time we were together from 1-11:00 pm…
    He took me to visit his house (first time) and his town
    which is 35 min. from mine…

    He made upcoming dates on this Wed. and Thur.
    He initiated talk about how we are moving forward…
    He wants to see me allllll the time (that feels GREAT)
    We see each other at least 2 times a week…
    I said “Ohhh…. I LOVE your enthusiasm!!”
    I said “I think we are getting to know each other at a perfect pace that feels good to me…
    What do you think?”
    He said yes it feels good… 🙂

    I have to say…I’m still not feeling much
    one way or the other with him… but I know he’s a really NICE guy to practice my tools with!!! 🙂

    Then on Sun. he TEXTS me “good morning
    He said he had a good time, did I?”

    I really wanted a phone call
    I have mentioned MANY times in the past
    How much I like to hear his voice…
    I didn’t text him back… (I was disappointed and annoyed)
    3 hrs later he text me again
    Saying is something wrong, he hasn’t heard from me…
    I spent time making up untruths in my mind about:
    “my phone was turned off so I didn’t see your text”
    “I was working in the yard all day so I didn’t see your text”
    I fell TIRED saying “I like phone calls…
    “I don’t like texting that much…”

    I decided I didn’t want to lie…
    I don’t want to respond to his text…
    I am annoyed…
    Soooo… this morning at 11:00 am
    I got a phone call from him,,,
    We talked for awhile… I thanked him for
    his service in the Vietnam war and
    that he is my hero!!!
    I said it twice!! He liked that ALOT!!

    at the end of the conversation I gushed:
    Thank you soooo much for calling me…
    It felt so good to talk to you…
    I LOVE hearing your voice…

    I feel good that I did NOT compromise ME
    By “smiling” (which would be ME making up a lie about why I didn’t text him back)
    I held MYSELF in HIGH regard
    HONORED MY NEEDS
    and didn’t chase after him (by texting back) as
    he texted me AGAIN!!!
    BUT instead shared my good feelings about the
    phone call he made to me!!
    Thnk you Azure for listening
    CLOSELY to MY needs!!!
    I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

    Andrea I have a question
    Is me not responding to the text my masculine side?
    and me receiving and gushing about the phone call my feminine?



  6.  #6Indigo on May 26, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Azure Blu,

    I had that same situation. The guy who is taking me out on a date on Saturday started off by texting me, and I told him I wasn’t big on texting. He asked me what I preferred and I told him phone calls. He did call on Friday night, and made plans for this Saturday. He asked if he could call again before then and I told him Wednesday would be good.

    Yesterday he texted and asked how my weekend had been etc. I was in two minds, because the polite me would have always responded in the past, even though it is NOT what I wanted. But I didn’t reply. I left it. I barely know this guy. I do not need to be compromising my preferences and my boundaries.

    So today he sent me another text just confirming that Wednesday was the night he should call. I replied briefly that it was.

    I feel great for sticking to my wishes 🙂



  7.  #7Azure Blu on May 26, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Indigo!!
    Yay us listening and honoring OUR boundaries!!
    ;->



  8.  #8nyx on May 26, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    This is VERY useful advice. Just had an experience with a guy who, from day four, complained that “you don’t initiate contact- you clearly don’t like me as much as I like you”. I initiated a few texts after that, then he slowed down a bit, and I stopped contacting him (last I texted was “I’m sorry, I’m still at work but you can call me tonight if you want to”. He didn’t, nor texted, so I figured he preferred not to talk for whatever reason. After four days he got in touch… all upset: “Why haven’t you texted? I could’ve been sick, or had an accident, I could’ve been DEAD!”
    (I’m terribly sorry for my sense of humour- I’m in no way good at leaning back and I’ve been waaaaay overfunctioning before Rori- but my instant reaction was to answer “If you were dead it would’ve been no use texting you anyway”. Yep, I’m a smartass, but knowing him being in a threefold difficult personal situation I contained myself).
    Anyways, I did initiate a few times after that, with him initiating most, BUT:
    I could clearly notice he leaned back a little every time I did, and then he disappeared.

    From now on I will go with the: “I’ve noticed it attracts men who aren’t very manly”. I have a feeling it will work wonders. Thank you, Rori!

    Thank you, all sirens- I read about how you handle your dates and your guys, and I am constantly learning so much from all of you 🙂



  9.  #9Andrea on May 26, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Oh Azure, I love your post. We all must have had busy dating weekends. So timely this message from Rori. This same thing happened to me on Sunday as well. Where I responded to a man texting me twice and then finally texted simply, “I don’t want to text anymore.”

    The end for me. Sheesh. I hate it to the point where I start to hate the man for texting me. So I just took a book over to the beach and relaxed.

    Anyway, Azure… that’s a good question about the masculine/feminine responding or not responding.. I honestly don’t know. I feel the most feminine when I’m in receiving mode. Not trying to convince, cajole, or ignore someone into doing something for me.

    Sometimes when I receive a text I take it as a little gift. Like… oh how sweet of him to be thinking about me. But if I don’t feel like responding, I just don’t.

    Sometimes I get anxious like… “Oh no, I’m missing out on something. What if he continues to text me and then finally gets around to asking me out? What if he will only like me or keep thinking about me if I text him back?”

    But now I’m starting to simply feel the anxiousness with out acting on it. Just feel anxious and then use my masculine energy to DO something that is just for me. I feel anxious and I feel the need to DO. But I’m starting to take that DO-ING energy and focusing it more on me.

    Jeesh.. I tell ya, I’m getting along of things done around my house, on my website, with my homework, my daughters, working out, cooking better meals, getting some yoga classes arranged in exchange for massage… Just a whole bunch of things that my Male energy is doing.

    So that when that actual man does step up and present himself to me I can allow myself to be full on female energy and.. like you said… just GUSH over all the things he did right.

    I have been telling myself many times this weekend, “Just BE. Just BE.” And that has allowed to feel relaxed and okay with out an actual physical man around.

    PS.. Update on Umbrella Man. He texted me this morning. What is this? Two weeks from our one date? He said, “I have your umbrella and am coming close to you. Are you out and about so I can return it?”
    So I told him where I live and he texted that he would bring it by.
    When he did he texted: “Here”
    That’s all. So I went outside and he got out of his car and I thanked him so much for bringing it to me. I told him I felt surprised and happy that he was thinking about me this morning.
    He told me he’s been golfing, getting his dock out, relaxing in the beautiful weather. He talked about his lawn and his fertilizing it and how he doesn’t want to wear a sleeveless shirt cause his arms are still so white. He joked.
    I leaned back but laughed at what I found funny and stayed listening to him until he was done. Then he said goodbye.
    I said, “Thank you for returning this for me. I feel special that you made the trip in just for me.”
    He said.. “So… okay.”
    And that was it. I feel proud of myself for just living in the moment and not asking him questions about the past. And not feeling desperate or chasey.
    I still feel so put off and so curious as to what in the world …. I guess the only thing I can actually do with this situation is tell myself that I have to be okay with… there are just some things that I may never know the answer to, and that’s okay. His business is his business and I’m just going to have to be okay with that.



  10.  #10Liquid Light on May 26, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Andrea, it sounds like you handled things with Umbrella Man really well. I’ve noticed that men love it when you laugh at their jokes. I wouldn’t be surprised if you heard from him again. He may have been checking you out in a no pressure situation to see how you would act. If you passed that “test”, which it sounds like you did, then he’d be more likely to ask you out again. Good that he was joking around, that means he’s relaxed. Just my 2 cents.



  11.  #11Liquid Light on May 26, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    I have mixed feelings about the texting thing. I don’t really mind it so much. I’m not a big phone person, I hate long conversations with men that I don’t know well, I just get really impatient and it often doesn’t go well. So I tend to avoid it in the beginning.

    So texting until things get off the ground seems OK to me. I don’t have cell phone service though where I live so that really limits my ability to text which probably helps.



  12.  #12Waterfall on May 26, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Sirens – I have answered you on the previous thread !



  13.  #13luzydel on May 26, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    “men who aren’t very…well, manly…”

    I feel triggered reading this; this perpetuates a stereotype and is totally false. What is a manly man anyway? Maybe I am caught up in the semantics, but this feels wrong to me. I work and I am independent and I pay my own bills and my food etc… am I less womanly for that? I guess I would not insinuate a man is less “manly” because he doesn’t do what I expect him to. If he ask I say

    “well, at the beginning of dating I like to give space to the other person to see if he is really interested, I will show him my interest by accepting his dates and answering/returning his calls in a timely manner; It has been my experience that when I initiate I give the impression of trying to control the outcome and I want to show respect by giving men the space and I will respond positively with their actions”

    Leave the “manly” biased out of it, no man like his masculinity being questioned… If he is too passive he is not less “manly” just not the type of man you want…



  14.  #14Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    quote from last article :

    “When we are available to a man (not necessarily even standing right there, not necessarily even looking at him – sometimes even THAT much is too much for him) – he can feel our emotional availability.

    If we’re Listening To Him – even if he’s not speaking! (and not necessarily obviously “paying attention” – because even THAT might be too much for a man in some situations) – he FEELS our openness.

    He ALREADY feels GOT.”

    YAY!!!!

    i’m so getting this and i LOVE that feeling that i get of open magic space when im ‘getting’ him

    i feel so thrilled that Rori mentioned this stuff about how just looking at him might be too much for him

    bec i asked around this question in diff ways and never got a satisfactory answer

    i felt concerned and compelled that maybe i must look at him and make eye contact and turn my body towards him all the time

    and how would that work when im engaged in an activity….

    and really it just works without that,

    bec even the direct look ‘might be too much for him’

    so i can just use that softly when it’s not, and he’s gazing intently at me

    mmmm

    it feels so good to have this ‘figured out’

    and feel so powerful

    and yesterday felt wonderful

    and so did this morning with myself and doing my tools in my imagination



  15.  #15Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    ‘and with all the mistakes I’ve made up to now, I’ve also discovered that initiating or reaching out to men usually attracts men who aren’t very…well, manly…’

    ok so after reading luzydel’s posts i see the triggering, tho

    i do think it’s my masculine energy that hustles pays the bills and works and yes it’s not actually womanly, its manly and masculine energy and yet using that energy on ME makes me MORE free to have and expand my feminine energy so i actually Am womanly

    even tho i don’t work or pay my bills haha but i do do a lot of masculine energy stuff i have so much masculine energy that im proud of

    but i think it is more about in this case who comes close and initiates in a romantic encounter so whoever does that yes will b ethe manly one

    and… sidetracked so i was gonnna edit this for myself and sya

    well i lvoe saying with all the mistakes i’ve made up until now, cuz it sums up so well what i would touch on on the past in a easy way…

    ‘and with all the mistakes I’ve made up to now, I’ve also discovered that initiating or reaching out to men usually attracts men who aren’t very…well,

    able to take the relationship forward to a place of where we can live together and have a family’



  16.  #16Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    but i do like to use strong terms like masculinity bec i do notice that men will jump to prove themselves in it

    i don want to do it in a broody down way that would make them feel like they cant win

    so i do leav ethat out actually hmmmmm

    i feel triggered!!

    haha

    leave it out or in?

    i see what luzydel is saying

    they may be manly in other ways that dont work for me



  17.  #17Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    i think i will write Rori and sign up for the july coaching traiining



  18.  #18Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    it would feel soooo exciting i can barely take a split second to think about it



  19.  #19Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    who arent very manly for me

    fu9ck it, if they’re not initiating with me, they’re not very manly

    from my perspective – the one that matters to me



  20.  #20Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    ahh jumped back to considering it again haha triggered!



  21.  #21Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    Ladies u just met a man for a coffee date today that I met online on the dating site.
    He was a little younger and unconventional but I decide to give him a chance, he seemed sweet. He is very sweet and I was surprised to feel an attraction in person (which goes to how that online profiles are so hard to guage sometimes, one can only tell when meeting in person)…
    Anyways he was very sweet…
    BUT
    Then tells me he is married and in an unhappy marriage yada yada….
    Sheesh!
    I told him his profile says single and what
    does he want with me if he’s married?? He said he wants a friend and h hasn’t had sex with the wife for 2 years.
    Good lord.
    I told him I’m sorry you are no happy in your marriage, but I don’t spend time with married men.
    Sigh



  22.  #22Daria on May 26, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    aww Emerson… sigh… forget about him like it he doesn’t exist

    great job with boundaries!!!



  23.  #23Phoenix on May 26, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    “That’s what all the Rori Raye Tools are for: To help you be more YOURSELF, with full confidence, rather than being pushed into overfunctioning by fear of losing a man.”

    I like this. It is so true. The tools are also helping me Find my voice. Facing my own truth. And it feels good to be honest with myself.

    I keep busy so that a man understands I have things to do other than call him and talk on the phone. He can come see me! Talk to me face to face.



  24.  #24Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    22 thank you Daria p



  25.  #25Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    23 Phoenix yes!

    Well after my married coffee date I found myself feeling unaffected for the most part…
    If anything I felt compassion for this man who was so unhappy with his marriage. Not my problem though. I asked him why he was unhappy and he said he is not attracted to his wife and that she doesn’t enjoy sex.
    In a strange way, it felt satisfying to hear it. I feel bad saying that. It felt satisfying in that I often feel jealous of married people and this reminded me that not all marriages are happy. Kind of twisted that I would feel some satisfaction hearing this.
    Anyways I also felt a ego charge as I could tell he was very attracted to me and wanted to see me again. Yawn. It felt good to have the power and hold my boundaries and say NO.
    I still feel compassion toward him. If he was not married I would definitely date him. He is foreign and cute. Oh well.



  26.  #26Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    I’m still looking on the site and feeling an open energy…



  27.  #27Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    I feel inspired to use the tools…it’s been a while since I really focused…
    Waterwheel…
    My eyes are magnets…
    Heart is pool of gold….
    Five second smile…(yikes!)
    Ah I feel excited to use the tools this week!!!



  28.  #28Tereana on May 26, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Emerson – from the last thread: you can totally have a man! And a baby! And a puppy! Yeah! 🙂

    And a question: you said to be a mom “again.” Are you a mom already? If so, I missed that. Cheers!

    Xo



  29.  #29Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    I’ve been undisciplined with my eating but I have not gained any weight! I don’t really ‘need’ to lose but a few pounds off before summer would be nice…



  30.  #30Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    28 tereana thank you <3
    I was a (step)mom to my toxicEX's daughter and treated her like my own…now we are not together and she is grown…I don't have any contact with them, it is sad but I have accepted it.
    I loved being in the mom role and I miss it.
    Thank you for your positive words!



  31.  #31Rori Raye on May 26, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    Yes! You are so observant – I just put this post out to my Private List – So – if you don’t recognize it, you’re likely not on my list!

    Go here to get on the list and download the “Navigating Love” ebook:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/to-join-my-private-event-list/

    Love, Rori



  32.  #32Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    I am going to be good to myself this evening..making some tea and toast…relaxing with tv 🙂



  33.  #33Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I like roris tool smiling at yourself in the mirror…I’ve been spending alot of time alone and instead I feeling anxious and lonely I need to find ways to love me…



  34.  #34Indigo on May 26, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    Liquid Light 11,

    Re: texting. In the beginning, it feels like too little energy coming towards me. I notice that when it’s someone new-ish, I have to dig deep into my reserves of energy to reply to their text. I find myself feeling obligated to come up with something interesting, or “entertain” them. I don’t like that whatsoever. Like Andrea said, I start to resent the man. In the beginning, texting also feels like little hooks into my soul, creating expectations of more texting. I start to lose my own sense of what actually makes me feel good and comfortable, and to get too absorbed in this texting. It feels very exhausting and draining.

    However, when a relationship is much further progressed, by the time we are much closer and have established a comfort level which feels very solid and safe to me, I LOVE the little texts that keep in touch and let you know they are thinking of you and want to stay connected to you. Just my own feelings.



  35.  #35Emerson on May 26, 2014 at 10:51 pm

    I feel excited for this week…good things will happen



  36.  #36Veronica on May 26, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Before I catch up with all the posts:

    I’ve been feeling grief this past week – it keeps visiting to be felt since I read Rori’s article on accepting grief. I have to lock the door and just let the tears out, sometimes it’s just too overwhelming. I’m trying to love it but I forget when I’m completely clowded over with this feeling. Sometimes I think being sensitive isn’t worth it, it seems like suffering, I’d like to have other emotions clowd over me. Sometimes it’s just too heavy and I don’t want to deal with puffy sore eyes in the morning. [I’m getting this all out here and also I notice a tiny little bit of love mixed in all this grief feeling – I want to aim for it : )]The scary thing for me is that I realise the tools don’t stop me from feeling, they keep me feeling e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g and this morning in the dark I had to tell myself ‘I don’t want to shut down’ – it’s as though there’s this choice I’m making to continue feeling, continue practicing, believing, listening even if that does seem like suffering or overwhelming sometimes. Sensitivity is amazing but I find myself turning into this thing where so much passes through me and my experience of these is amplified and I feel shaky wondering how I’ll keep together.



  37.  #37Millie on May 26, 2014 at 11:38 pm

    I noticed something about myself when it comes to men. Internally, I use this method of “tallying.” I keep track internally of the men I’ve had encounters with, who calls, who doesn’t, and when, how long it has been since I’ve heard from them, am I not a siren because a certain man didn’t call right away, am I not a siren because I chose pleasure one night with a man I’m not dating, how many times I reach out, how many times I don’t….. I realized that all this tallying really isn’t helping me. All of it doesn’t really matter. What if I “forgot” about every interaction. What if I didn’t assign any meaning to any given moment other than what it was, a moment! What if the fact that A happened, or B happened, means absolutely nothing! It is exhausting keeping track of everything, adding it up to equate something about myself….It feels so relaxing to think of everything as just a moment, being in that moment, enjoying that moment, and then moving into the next one without a thought to the previous. Does that make sense? This idea feels very relieving to me, as my body relaxes into the mattress….That regardless of any of these moments, I’m still on my horse, pursuing my goals and none of these moments really define me or change who I am and where I’m going….



  38.  #38Azure Blu on May 27, 2014 at 12:16 am

    Veronica #36
    soft, warm embraces from me to you!!!
    I feel your grief…
    I feel concern when you say it feels overwhelming…
    Is this grief about anything in particular?

    I know Dominique has very good posts
    to help understand more about profound
    sensitivity…



  39.  #39Azure Blu on May 27, 2014 at 12:39 am

    Andrea#9 You darling siren!! oxoxo
    thank you sooo much for your insight!!!

    Yes… the anxiousness…
    I think in my mind:
    Ohhh…He’s expecting me to text back…
    I don’t want to
    disappoint him or hurt his feelings (which is completely ignoring MY FEELINGS)
    Like you said: I’m thinking…
    “What if he will only like me or keep thinking about me if I text him back?”

    Yes, like you said…
    I took that anxious energy (MY male energy) I was focusing on HIM (for texting me and not calling)
    and bought my annual flowers to plant in MY flower beds…
    Worked on MY house and yard all day.
    finished the front yard!!! YAY

    So now I see what your saying
    that was my male energy
    and then when he called the next day
    MY female energy received and accepted (and gushed) about his
    responding to my request.



  40.  #40Labbit on May 27, 2014 at 5:32 am

    This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. There was a potential CD I met while out with some friends. The attraction was instant and VERY hot! He asked for my number, made a loose date for the following Saturday and we had some great texting convos over the next few days.

    Then he suddenly asks me why I never text him first. We’d gone two days without chatting (something I didn’t even notice until he pointed it out). I replied that it felt good when a man takes charge, that I was old-fashioned and didn’t feel good chasing a man, and that if I didn’t hear from him I just assumed he is busy.

    He replied that he felt like he was making all the effort, that it would feel nice to be acknowledged. I held my ground, told him I don’t know, it doesn’t feel good to me to lead. I feel good every time I hear from you.

    It felt great! The guy ended up not working out, and I feel good about it, because even though the chemistry was incredibly hot it was clear that we weren’t looking for the same things in a partner. The tools were so helpful for me! Before, I probably would have wasted months trying to make it work because of the butterflies inside. Instead, he faded harmlessly from my life and I continue to CD other men, no harm no foul.

    (By the way I am new but just changed my name because I see someone else was already using Iris and I don’t want to confuse anyone!)



  41.  #41Emerson on May 27, 2014 at 5:32 am

    Good morning sirens, I feel ready to meet the right man…
    I know he’s out there waiting for me….



  42.  #42Waterfall on May 27, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Wow! I’ve just had the BIGGEST epiphany!! I DON’T USE FEELING MESSAGES!!

    I thought I did, but today in a text conversation I realised I did not…

    Oh, raise my hands to the sky in despair!

    I suddenly get it. But can I do it?????



  43.  #43Waterfall on May 27, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Wow! I’ve just had the BIGGEST epiphany!!

    I don’t use feeling messages..!!

    I thought I did, but today in a text conversation I realised I did not…

    Oh, raise my hands to the sky in despair!

    I suddenly get it. But can I do it?



  44.  #44Indigo on May 27, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Veronica 36,

    (((((Veronica)))))

    This is my own experience as well. I am extremely sensitive so being out in the world around too many people too much is unbearable to me. I am convinced I feel their unexpressed pain, as well as the fact that I notice and feel absolutely everything, so it’s overstimulating.

    Sometimes sensitivity feels like thousands of little knives or pieces of glass sticking into you because the world feels so much harsher and more brash. I love my sensitivity, my melancholy, my grief… but it can be very overwhelming and can feel like a huge weight to carry at times.

    I’ve found excellent self-care is the answer here. The more aspects of your life you can practice doing what is *right* for your sensitive being, the better it is.

    In 3 days I am leaving a job I loathe because it subjects me to constant noise and people and negative, critical energy all day in a stifling, fully enclosed concrete box with no understanding or awareness of my sensitivity whatsoever. I can’t wait.

    Be sure you are living a life that is in sync with your sensitivity. It makes everything so much better.

    *hugs* xx



  45.  #45Azure Blu on May 27, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Indigo…
    Powerful Siren!!! 🙂
    How Brave to be leaving the job you hate!!!
    Do you have one to take its place?



  46.  #46Azure Blu on May 27, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Waterfall…
    I know exactly what you mean…
    I have read many sirens on this blog
    struggle with this very thing…

    Using Feeling Messages has been a struggle for me as well… I began with baby steps (I still struggle – 2yrs. later)
    Writing my scripts using FM
    Practicing talking in the mirror using feeling messages
    and writing on this blog!!
    You can do it!!! :->

    Maybe saying to yourself,,,
    I LOVE the part of me that can’t write FM!!



  47.  #47Daria on May 27, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    i’m here feeling lovely and i love me!



  48.  #48Turquoise on May 27, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Hi Sirens…. It’s been awhile! Things here are going very well… and very busy! It’s been two months since sweetheart died, and I just realized I haven’t gone on dates with anyone new. I see hmmmm… lol, I forgot my pet name for him… my 33 year old, that I met right after sweetheart told me he was gay, a couple times a month. Other than that, I’ve been very preoccupied with getting this Gold Canyon business going (it’s awesome and I love it so much!!) spending time with family and friends and planning some summer fun. My ex-husband got remarried 2 weekends ago… and I have to tell you all…. it didn’t happen the siren way at all. She chased him hard all last summer. I saw some of the texts, she was intense. He moved 10 hours away and in the fall she started visiting him there a lot and they got engaged in early April, married mid May. She’s 29, he’s 42… they do have a lot of the same interests, but she made a lot of effort from what I saw and it seems to have worked. This is uncharacteristic for him to move that quickly, but I do think they are a pretty good fit.

    Mr. Conversation is seeing someone new and he just told me a few days ago how much he loves that she makes spending time with him a priority and that he wants a woman who makes effort and makes him feel special.

    I started leaning forward a bit more with my 33 year old… and it’s been well received. He replies, I do hear from him first too…

    I’m not saying I think the Rori way isn’t right, but I think I leaned back so far and never texted first, or when I did… it was because things were starting to feel questionable… and that it’s not so much about the leaning forward, but the intention behind it. If you act clingy and desperate, sure that’s a big turn off…. but if you text to say hi sexy, I had a nice dream about you, or I’m so excited, you won’t believe what happened!!! It can have a warm effect.



  49.  #49Turquoise on May 27, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    But business wise…. if anyone is looking to make some extra money, and you don’t mind selling… please let me know! I have never had this kind of success in a direct sales business before and it’s so much fun! I love meeting new people, the parties have been great and I’m doing a fundraiser now for Make a Wish, all I do is send the paperwork (the company raising funds is out of state) and then process the order when they are done. I should make at least $1000 just on that. If you’d like to learn more, check out my website link above. There are big changes coming June 1 for consultants, I don’t know the details yet… but supposed to be even more rewards and money! This extra income has taken so much pressure off of me, and a lot of my sales are online, so this hasn’t been time consuming. I feel like a new person. Planning a vacation, buying porch furniture, and paying off the last of my credit card debt, I feel wonderful!



  50.  #50Sophie on May 27, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Waterfall – yes you’ve made me realise – me too – I’ve not used feeling messages for sooo long – at least not other than tired, angry, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, not very sparkly, distressed,pained…

    Today was a good day. I felt quite joyful – work felt fulfilling and there may be a chance of changing hours which will feel liberating ‘cos right now the hours aren’t how I’d like them – wishes fulfilled that feels satisfying

    And then Veronica and Indigo – oh the sensitivity! I was reading some of the words of a spiritual writer who is campaining for government and it makes me cry! Just reading words of integrity – love and respect and honour of all people and the world- I feel so full of sorrow but that’s not the right word and if it’s grief then why do I grieve – it’s an inexpressive feeling like grief and joy and hope and sorrow all mixed into a big ball – being by myself is my strength I feel recharged/reconnected

    And men…so proud of you all honouring your boundaries – whoop whoop – ex CD who is still in my house though has not managed to extinguish the beautiful flame of me completely (go me) was saying the other day that as I hadnt offered to buy a drink on the first date he’d thought badly of me ‘the type of woman I am’. I politely reminded him that I ended up being the type of woman who took him into my home when he was on his butt and has written an entire court case for him and shouldered all the financial burden and a lot of the emotional one too – MORAL OF THE STORY – keep your boundaries whatever – they will show you their true colours – you deserve so so so so much than what I allowed myself to have

    The future belongs to me – that feels good – I am reclaiming myself, my life, and a high, high standard of gentle-men



  51.  #51Sophie on May 27, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Daria – yay! I love me and you too xxx



  52.  #52Sophie on May 27, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Hooray Turquoise! I feel your excitement! This is where my energies lie right now – really building up the things for me that fill me up from the inside – that make me bubble over into the world 🙂 xx



  53.  #53Femininewoman on May 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Yayy Labbit

    Welcome back Turquoise. Exciting update.



  54.  #54prplpsn28 on May 27, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    🙂



  55.  #55Turquoise on May 27, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Thanks! I’ve missed you ladies! 🙂



  56.  #56Tereana on May 27, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Millie! I absolutely LOVED what you wrote in #37! Loved, loved, loved it! It put big smiles on my face 🙂 yay! It sounds amazing…



  57.  #57Tereana on May 27, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Well, that was fun & funky. Lol…

    This younger guy I’ve been chatting with from the dating site was talking to me tonight. We had a quick, 10-minute Skype chat yesterday, and tonight we just happened to be online at he same time. But the call kept dropping, and there were some issues. He’s in canada, so not local – hence the Skype.

    Well, after 1/2 an hour, it came out that he doesn’t want to get married. At least, that’s not his objective right now. So ok. But I didn’t spend any time after that. He said “I don’t want to play games.” Well, me neither. I said, “I have to go now. See you later!” No excuses. Just “bye,” and logged off.

    He was cute. But I didn’t want to aware time talking to a guy who was not going to help me achieve my happiness : )



  58.  #58Tereana on May 27, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Turquoise – I liked that about the intention. And about our vibe, too. And confidence. It takes a LOT of confidence to chase a guy with the attitude of “this is what I want.” And I think that guys DO go for that – even, and maybe especially “masculine” ones, because they love the idea that they are “irresistible” and it makes them feel desired and, well, manly.

    What probably is the turnoff is a woman “chasing” in a desperate manner, like, “OMG I must catch this one man or I will totally die.”

    I know of multiple couples where the woman chased or propositioned the man first. But it call depends where you are coming from. If you have a propensity at all for codependency or anything like it, then probably the lean-back is the way to go…



  59.  #59Emerson on May 27, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    57 yay tereana!
    I learn from this…



  60.  #60Indigo on May 27, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    Azure Blu

    Thank you dear 🙂 I am going to be working for myself, starting a jewellery/clothing/décor/artistic venture, and also taking on some editing work from my mom.

    Working for myself is something I’ve known for a long time I wanted (and needed) to do. I’m so excited!

    xx



  61.  #61Indigo on May 27, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Sophie! Wonderful to see you 🙂

    I love reading your posts because I just feel they are so easy for me to “get” and understand and resonate with.

    I too get my strength and recharge and reconnection by being by myself. It has taken me a long time to embrace that, love it, accept it and not worry about missing out 🙂

    I hope you get your home to yourself very soon. x



  62.  #62Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 12:10 am

    ahhhh thank you Indigo x I love reading your posts too x I want to try and stay a bit more connected to the blog x I will get my home the time is drawing near x and I’m looking at downsizing and then renting myself somewhere sunny for the winter overlooking the sea 🙂 x we shall see…xxx have a lovely day all xx



  63.  #63Millie on May 28, 2014 at 1:34 am

    Sophie! So happy to see you back! I haven’t seen you post for awhile…

    Tereana–yay!! I’m so glad, it makes me happy as well!



  64.  #64Millie on May 28, 2014 at 1:50 am

    Ahhhh I’m so happy right now! Listen to what happened to me today…..
    The company I work for was having a sale today. We sell super high end expensive clothes and it was like a VIP sale. I looked really nice, all dressed in black, super chic. And who walks in…….this guy who I’ve always thought was cute, who plays bass in a band I like! (I know…this set-up sounds very familiar. I realize I gravitate to bass players) I recognized him and smiled. He acknowledged me and I said- you look really familiar and asked if he was in ___band. He introduced himself confidently and said yes! We started chatting. Turns out he was there with his mom who is a designer also. He was wearing a suit and looking…um…really good. 🙂 I talked to his mom a bit and when she found out I danced, suggested that I go out dancing with her son! I was beaming inside a bit that I got mom’s approval. He came up to me a bit later and asked me to go dancing with him. We exchanged phone numbers and continued chatting. It was pretty amazing…I mean, we both had these super giddy smiles on our faces and didn’t really know what to say, but kept talking anyways. He ended up asking me out for a drink after work. Turns out he lives 5 minutes away from my work. He contacted me later and suggested I meet him at his place and we’d go from there, that there are bars walking distance from his place. I immediately felt NO in my body. That felt too convenient for him and not convenient for me. I questioned if I should have even accepted this spontaneous date, but I remembered that Rori said it doesn’t matter, what matters is your vibe. I am also meeting a guy tmrw, so I didn’t feel in a desperate vibe. I asked if he was open to picking me up (since my job is 5 min from his place anyway) and that I’m old-fashioned. (we are both super into vintage culture.) He said ofcourse! and apologized if he was too forward. I am SO HAPPY I spoke up because our date was amazing. More so than if I had gone to his place and been in a reluctant mindset of settling. He was still wearing his suit when he picked me up at work and took me to this swanky cuban bar that was a good distance away. I felt so happy inside that he was trying to impress me. 🙂 He was such a gentleman! Btw…he is the same sign as me, a libra and it seems that lately I’ve been attracting a lot of libra men. The last three that have asked me out, are libras. Hmmm….strange. Anyway, I could feel the energy between us. He also took me to a second bar where a friend of his was playing. I felt very comfortable with him and he held my hand softly. When he took me back to my car, we kissed and I realized that when chemistry is there, it’s there, and when it’s not, it’s not. I was very in the moment and we danced in the parking lot together. The best part is he made plans to see me Saturday while I standing in front of him! Yay!!!! The only problem is….So this guy, guy A took me to a place where his friend was playing. The friend is also playing there tmrw night and it happens to be the same bar consequently that I’m meeting guy B at trmw. I don’t want to risk guy A’s friend seeing me there getting cozy with another man, so I think I have to politely decline and offer another option to guy B. I want to see guy B too, but it sounds too risky….
    Anyways, I’m on cloud nine from my date….good night sirens!!!



  65.  #65Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 5:59 am

    Millie, that sounds amazing! Yay!

    And how did you get your job at a high-end clothing place? What’s your story? I’m not looking for career advice exactly, but just wondering how that worked for you. It sounds like a lot of fun!



  66.  #66Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Waterfall – I was going to reply to your posts on the previous thread but each time you post you leap forward. Amazing and you so have this. I too battle with feeling messages but practicing here has helped me to at least have a safe place to explore my feelings.



  67.  #67Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:26 am

    Azure Blu – 38 – Thank you for your embraces and concern – I feel your caring for me, very soothing, it feels so good. I’m not sure exactly what the grief is about – it’s fuzzy sometimes. Mostly it’s about the dreams I had for myself that I had to say goodbye to when the relationship with BM ended. I wanted to move to the town he lived in because it had a lot of the things that I wanted to be around. I had actually visualized me coming into my own sirenness in that town – it was so easy to imagine and I felt excited. It’s not in my best interests to go there now – it’s just not healthy at all. And it’s a lot to let go of.

    Dominique’s articles about sensitivity are a game-changer – I hadn’t come across such a positive and generous embrace of sensitivity before. After a life of being told of being ‘too _____’ and to ‘get over it’, I can actually feel like it’s this really special thing. So much has improved since I read her articles, I’m able to trust the sensitivity more, knowing I can go down very far and that I’ll be up again soon. I’ve had to tell a friend and my sister that I do get quite down sometimes but that I’ll know I’ll be fine even when I’m down there. It still doesn’t prevent me from feeling its force though and I do notice an increasing sensitivity, I reach my limit, it goes over it, subsides, I’m up.
    xo



  68.  #68Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Indigo – 44 – I feel connected to what you’re saying, and feel so compelled to share with you.

    The thing is that what seems obvious to me isn’t to others and I don’t realize this unless I say so. When I lived in a foreign country I had to rely on being very attuned to the people around me to understand what was going on. I could pick up on who liked who, which men were masculine men, who were clueless men, which would be confirmed to me over time and people would say to me ‘how did you know?’ and I would think ‘it’s obvious’. At the same time I was also experiencing a deepening of my own emotional living, which was incredibly difficult because the culture preferred emotional repression, except when drunk. I felt a particular kind of loneliness. When I came back home it was as though I was hyper-alert, I just did not want to be around people and I had my own pain to deal with. The unexpressed pain is the worst to feel, I remember drawing a portrait of my art teacher – I had drawn her stony-faced. She was a good person but there was a hardness that made me feel so uneasy, it was difficult to bear. Years later I found out that she was in a very unhappy marriage that caused a lot of internal damage.

    Thank you so much for these:
    “I’ve found excellent self-care is the answer here. The more aspects of your life you can practice doing what is *right* for your sensitive being, the better it is.”

    And

    “Be sure you are living a life that is in sync with your sensitivity. It makes everything so much better.”
    I have to consciously practice that because it’s so easy to slip into just having to accept what’s happening.

    I feel relieved to hear that you’re leaving your job. I’m looking forward to ‘seeing’ how you’ll change. All the best dear Indigo!
    Xoxo



  69.  #69Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:30 am

    Sophie! Good to see you back here : )

    “being by myself is my strength I feel recharged/reconnected”
    Yes, exactly that.



  70.  #70Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:30 am

    Emerson – I’m noticing your upbeat energy – yay : )



  71.  #71Veronica on May 28, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Millie – 64 – It feels so good to read about your date.



  72.  #72Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 7:57 am

    Tereana #57
    Wow, you siren you!!!
    I feel the LOVE you have for YOU!!!

    “He was cute. But I didn’t want to aware time talking to a guy who was not going to help me achieve my happiness : )”



  73.  #73Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Millie!!!
    Loved reading about your date…
    Soooo romantic!
    :->



  74.  #74Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Daria #14-20
    Yes… I see what your saying…
    I jump back and forth on this too…
    I hesitate to use the word masculine or manly in this script…
    I don’t know but…
    I usually warmly say… “I’m a girl and I don’t like to initiate calls or text because it feels to me like “chasing” and I don’t like the way that feels. What do you think?”
    Men have responded quite well to this statement
    IF they are capable of stepping up. :-0



  75.  #75Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Labbit #40
    Welcome to siren island…
    I feel your siren energy reading your post!!!

    Wow… how nicely your script worked to “weed out” the cds that aren’t right for YOU!!!



  76.  #76Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Indigo #34
    Yeeeeessss!!!

    “in the beginning texting feels like too little energy coming toward ME!!”
    That’s what I feel when a man texts too much in the beginning…
    Later on… it’s fine… little notes… thinkin of you..
    what’s our plan?… etc.
    BUT in the beginning it’s …too LITTLE ENERGY!

    I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt anxious and disappointed…
    Thanks for this insight my dear siren!!
    oxoxo



  77.  #77Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 8:34 am

    INdigo #60
    Congratulations on working for yourself!!!
    I also work for myself too…

    LOVE MY BOSS!! :;-}



  78.  #78Dominique on May 28, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Veronica – 67 – Thank you so much for sharing this. Warms my heart.

    Much love to you.

    xxoo



  79.  #79Indigo on May 28, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Azure Blu 76

    You’re so welcome! I only just realized this myself 🙂

    77,

    Thank you for your congratulations, I am looking forward to loving my boss too 🙂

    xx



  80.  #80Indigo on May 28, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Veronica 68,

    Your post makes perfect sense to me. That is exactly how it is for me too. I sense what people are feeling and the person beneath the mask so effortlessly that I’m barely aware that I’m doing it. This is the mark of an empathy and a very sensitive person.

    It is imperative that you take good care of yourself, because your sensitive nervous system gets frazzled by all the information coming in. Sensitive people need more rest, quiet time, down time, good nutrition, clothes, fabrics, environments which feel good. Also, surround yourself as much as possible with other empaths and sensitive people, so you don’t feel like an alien.

    There are some wonderful resources on being sensitive. Jenna Avery and Erika Harris have wonderful websites if you google them.

    Thank you for your good wishes. I will definitely keep you all updated on how it goes! xxx



  81.  #81Indigo on May 28, 2014 at 11:36 am

    sorry, PC corrected – *mark of an empath



  82.  #82Labbit on May 28, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Thanks FW & Azure Blu! It feels good to be here. 🙂

    I wrote another comment last nite, but it hasn’t shown up yet. Not sure if it was eaten.



  83.  #83Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Hello Sirens

    I just thought I would share my latest news with you.

    After a weekend of fraught texting between myself and D today I finally ended the relationship by text.

    Everything had been so fraught and we were texting each other like you wouldn’t belive. I gave to confess some of my texts were quite angry. I STILL feel so much anger and it won’t abate… It is just endless.. And I still feel really, really confused. Everything is churning over in my head. One minute I love him, one minute i hate him. One minute I’ll remember something he has done or said and I will feel extreme anger. Then later on that anger will disappear and be replaced by love & understanding.

    I can’t tell you how confused I feel….

    Last night I was out with a friend and she helped me see how aggressive and controlling D is being and that she feels he is ‘stalking’ me and its a totally unhealthy, abusive relationship. One minute I agree but the next minute I change my mind… Again I feel so confused…

    I met up with another friend the day before to get her take on it. She believes he may be a pathhical liar. She doesn’t believe his ‘story’ that his father is dying (he has to visit him every weekend) . She says things seem to happen very ‘conveniently’ for D. I have to say I know whaf she means. She says she doesn’t trust him.

    The more people that talk like this to me make ne want to run away from him. But then I feel extreme loss and miss him very much too. And I think to myself – he wants to change for me so much. But arrgghhh… Everything goes through my head…

    Anyway, the upshot is I wrote him a long, long text explaining why I didn’t want to see him. I went in to a lot if detail and I wasn’t blamey,

    He immediately text back that he fully understood, realised he was acting like a single teenager and he promised he would back off.

    Weirdly though, my first thought was that he wanted me to release him in some way. He do obviously doesn’t want to be with me. The whole thing is very confusing in my head…

    Sirens – I would LOVE your support because at the moment I am terrified I will go back to him. I miss him so much… Please help me…



  84.  #84Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Sry for the spelling mistakes!

    Should say pathological liar…



  85.  #85Kyla on May 28, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Trying to catch up so here’s some quick shout outs!

    @Sophie – Great to hear from you, so happy you are doing so well 🙂

    @Labbit Welcome Siren 🙂

    @Turquoise – Its so great to hear that your business is taking off for you. It feels exciting. Is Pianoman back in the picture? 😉

    @Millie!! Girl, you rock! I loved reading about your date. So romantic and fun! Dancing in the parking lot? I love it!

    @Indigo Congratulations! I’m so excited to hear about your new business. I am trying to get the courage to launch mine also.

    @Waterfall Hold on to yourself sweetie. Don’t let urgency push you, whatever happens breathe and feel whatever your feeling and take your time. Be super gentle with yourself. (((Waterfall)))



  86.  #86Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Ahhhh Waterfall x I know that place x the feelings of anger that you say won’t go away and the doubts, suspicions etc (I read that in due to the convos with your friends – sorry if I’m wrong) are not something you have in a relationship – I know because some of the fabulous ladies here are such beacons for the non-toxic relationships – they are living them – we can have all the lovely things without so much of the painful stuff x I can become so ambiguous when it comes to letting go x recently after really such a horrible time with a man where mostly I felt bad I became sentimental about the fact he likes cushions and felt all soft and gooey and sad that he has a very feminine and soft living space x I’m not saying this is what you’re doing but just giving an anecdote of how easy it is to swing back and forth x What has also helped me in the past (with letting go and stepping out of addictive stuff) is really focusing on an image of what I want for myself and how good that feels – keeping that image in my mind x taking steps towards that image little by little x reminding myself of the horrid stuff and why I don’t want to go back and then returning to that image x In AA (and I’ve found this so useful for so many things) they do a moment of silence at the start of every meeting to remind yourself of why you are there x this is powerful x it reinforces why you are making your decision x I do these things and lots and lots of self care xxxxx



  87.  #87Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Wow, I just had the weirdest realisation. I am in no way being true to myself…

    When I date a man or even when I’m chatting to a man I am already starting to picture being in a relationship with him. I am even picturing being married to him (if I like him..)

    I realise I throw myself into conversation with them in such an intense way. I want to know everything about them straight away. I am unbelievably nosey and want to work them out straight away..

    I am thinking now back to the beginning of my relationship with D. I threw myself into it. I was determined to get this man if was the last thing I did! I was going to make him want me. I was going to make him mine.

    This all feels really sinister now. And really masculine!! I can see he didn’t stand a chance.

    I used ALL of Rori’s tools to get what I wanted. Him! He was my prize… Again so very masculine…

    I was never content just to be. Be myself. Let him make his own mind up about me. I wanted to be in a ‘relationship’ with him and I wanted that in the first minutes of meeting him even.. I set my sights on him – he was coming into my world whether he liked it or not! I cooked the food he liked. I tried to impress him with fancy recipes. I lost weight for him. Went out more socially to impress him that I had this great independant life. I dressed better. I cared about my house better. The list is endless. But everything was for one purpose – to KEEP him near me. To makw him MINE.

    Why? Because I have this amazing dream of being the ‘perfect’ couple. In my dream we walk hand in hand along the beach together. Buy a house together. Have a family together. The list is endless. Basically he will be an extension of me – and he knows it!

    All I am thinking is about making him MINE! I’m not interested in what he wants or anything about him really. I just want him to hold my hand, take me for dinner, make love to me, cuddle me, entertain me, listen to me, the list is endless.

    So goodness, I am having this BIG weird realisation. I’m not sure if it’s unsireny or not. I certainly don’t mean it that way. I just mean its about me being my deep down authentic self – and that is so hard to do…. Its about dropping my expectations – allowing the relationship to grow on its own timeline and not forcing one which I was doing. And when he didn’t DO what I wanted I would argue with him. At least that hs what is coming to my mind now.

    And its hard to sink into my feelings. Its hard to breathe…

    I practically moved him into my living place. I installed him like a piece of furniture or a TV…

    Sirens – it would be so good to get your thoughts on this…



  88.  #88Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Millieeeeee – I love your post – I was reading it earlier on my phone on a train and it was making me smile really wide – I felt excited for you and so pleased xxx

    Veronica – I know other people’s feelings too – it can feel very confusing and unsettling – it can also feel hard in relationship with men especially when they won’t communicate but you feel that something is wrong – I need to work on not allowing other people’s feelings to unsettle me so much – the other thing that is tricky and it made me remember when you said you just expect everyone to know. I do too – I had an astrologer point that out to me once and tell me that not everyone has ‘got there’ yet in their awarenesses and sometimes things I say as ‘being obvious’ other people aren’t at a point of being able to handle – that said I have enough people that appreciate me in my life and I feel grateful for that … many people appreciate having someone in their lives who they can share deep feelings with xxx



  89.  #89Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Ha ha Waterfall that completely changes what I wrote x I get that too though…this last experience of mine has flagged up a lot of my own feelings of anger when things don’t go my way or look the way I want them too x



  90.  #90Kyla on May 28, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Ninja is moving in, he’s been moving truck loads after work all week and my house looks like its been ransacked, stuff is everywhere. I’m feeling giddy watching him sweating while bringing in boxes and bags of goodies that I’m inheriting now too. I feel like I’m on a game show as he pulls out all sorts of gadgets and toys and asks if I want to keep this or that! Most of his things are impressive upgrades on mine or things I’ve been wanting for a while lol its like the LOA catalogue I’ve been browsing is finally delivering this week. It feels fun negotiating where we will put this or move that, rearranging rooms and reallocating space. He’s so sweet about it all – well we could use one and sell the other or maybe bring one to the cabin or do you want to keep both? what would make you happy? Swoon, I’m in moving bliss not stressed and freaked like in my numerous past experiences.
    There’s all sorts of team work going on, the kids are involved, everything is looking different and even though we are tripping over things it feels great!
    I can easily live without things but I’m enjoying watching the technician in action and getting all the how-to lessons 🙂 Not only do I get a waffle maker now but better yet I have the man that likes to make me waffles on Saturday morning lol!
    I’m one happy girl. I’m going to read over my CD diary and the tools I used and see what I can transfer to getting me out of this job and into the job that I want! Its working with love, health, friends, money and family so surely I can use it to navigate the final frontier of my ‘change everything and live the life I want’ in 12 months plan.. I’ve got 3 months left so I’ve got to get my motivation and joy-joy feelings flowing in the right direction!



  91.  #91Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Kyla – that feels so fabulous to read – yay you! Share some of your CD diary tips 🙂 xxx Your vibe is buzzing so happy for you – and yay Ninja good guy 🙂 xxx



  92.  #92Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Sophie – its weird. I think I’m just processing my thoughts. It feels like I am spewing randomness…



  93.  #93Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Waterfall – randomness and processing okay x maybe there’s bits of truth in all of it xx



  94.  #94Femininewoman on May 28, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Goodbye Phenomenal Woman. I will forever remember you. I love you

    “Men themselves have wondered
    What they see in me.
    They try so much
    But they can’t touch
    My inner mystery.
    When I try to show them,
    They say they still can’t see.
    I say,
    It’s in the arch of my back,
    The sun of my smile,
    The ride of my breasts,
    The grace of my style.
    I’m a woman
    Phenomenally.
    Phenomenal woman,
    That’s me.

    Now you understand
    Just why my head’s not bowed.
    I don’t shout or jump about
    Or have to talk real loud.
    When you see me passing,
    It ought to make you proud.
    I say,
    It’s in the click of my heels,
    The bend of my hair,
    the palm of my hand,
    The need for my care.
    ’Cause I’m a woman
    Phenomenally.
    Phenomenal woman,
    That’s me.”



  95.  #95CurvySiren10 on May 28, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    I love that Femininewoman. <3

    RIP Maya Angelou. Such an inspiration and phenomenal woman.



  96.  #96Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    Absolutely FW andCurvy Siren x what a blessing to the world and what a legacy for us all xxx



  97.  #97Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Yes, honors and joy to Ms. Angelou on her journey home… oxoxoxo
    One of my most favorite books is…
    “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings”
    FW I dooo love that poem…



  98.  #98Liquid Light on May 28, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Ditto Sophie 96 What an incredible inspiring woman Maya Angelou was. So sad that she is gone.



  99.  #99Azure Blu on May 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Kyla #90
    I feel sooo happy reading your post I’m smiling!!
    Congratulations on all the wonderful abundance!!
    :-}



  100.  #100Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Kyla

    Thank you for your hug and kind words. I need it at the moment. Feeling very blue. I will read the words over and over…



  101.  #101Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Sophie

    Wow. I am so amazed and touched by your words. For some reason they have really spoke to me. I need to take care of myself. I am sooooo precious. Yet it feels so hard to do. All I want to do is ignore myself. I feel so numb…

    I feel unsure of D
    I feel unsure of D
    I feel unsure of D
    I feel unsure of D
    I feel unsure of D

    There that is what I am feeling. It is out there as simple as that… I have to remember they are my own words…



  102.  #102Waterfall on May 28, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    But lol I miss him so much…



  103.  #103IamHis on May 28, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Loved this post. Thank you, Rori.

    QUESTION: A cute 23 year old has been talking to me on Tinder. He is sweet, smart, and motivated.

    He asked me to message him on Memorial Day…and I didn’t.

    Feeling a little anxious about it, and just feel curious.

    I feel worried that he might think I’m not interested since he’s younger and not used to older women.

    I guess it doesn’t matter that much.

    Also, something kind of interesting…

    A guy I knew through friends and I reconnected at church way back a few months ago.

    I thought he was cute, but more the friend type. I could tell he was interested, but I didn’t really care about a relationship with him. Regardless, he makes me laugh probably more than anyone I know!

    Fast forward to now, several months later. A LOT has happened and changed in my life since I last saw him.

    We were excited to bump into each other again, and ended up talking for several hours at cook-out over the weekend.

    We talked about everything.

    Other people would talk to him, other people would talk to me, but he would always come right back to me or get my attention again if I was the one distracted.

    I felt SO good with him.
    We talked about everything.
    He cracked me up again.

    After an hour or two of talking, I found myself thinking “CRAP, I think I really like this guy.”

    The last thing he said to me was “see you tonight” at the follow-up group function. (There was a couple of hours in between where the group was breaking up.)

    I did, indeed see him, and I think he saw me, but it kind of felt like he was ignoring me?

    Maybe not, but I was going to lean back and not chase him or try to talk to him, and that honestly felt really good and like the right thing to do.

    but now I kinda miss him…:/



  104.  #104Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    102 – Waterfall – I love that – ‘I feel unsure’ wow that’s powerful because it is so clear and so simple and maybe that’s all you need to know right now

    ohhhh but he has cushions 🙂 – lol that is me mocking myself 🙂 my cushion analogy was just an example of how I can fixate on the smallest (most ridiculous)
    of things and they make my heart hurt – – – doesn’t take away from the bigger picture though 🙂 xxx



  105.  #105Sophie on May 28, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    and thank you waterfall x it feels nice to know that something I said may have been helpful xxx



  106.  #106Phoenix on May 28, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    FW

    Thank You for sharing

    Maya Angelo will be missed!



  107.  #107Phoenix on May 28, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Good night sirens. I feel relaxed enough to sleep like a princess



  108.  #108Helena Hart on May 28, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    Waterfall – 87 – This is an amazing realization, I love all of your awareness around this! I always say the first step to turning anything around is awareness.

    When you’re with a man, you may be looking to him as HOLDING something that you want, like he’s holding the key to YOUR happiness.

    Next time you’re with a man, really notice – when you look at him, do you really see HIM, or do you only see what you WANT from him (like a “perfect” relationship, as you put it)?

    Notice if you find yourself thinking about how much better your life would be if your love life was “on track.” See if you can catch yourself when you’re looking to a man to make everything – including YOU – complete.

    Hopefully that will help you shed some more light on this. I definitely think you’re on the right track!

    Love, Helena



  109.  #109Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    Phoenix – happy sleeps! 🙂



  110.  #110Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    May I give a small feedback to Rori on the bags of the course for love coaches? First of all, I think it’s a great idea, and kudos to all of the students who have taken it are now rocking their own coaching biz!

    My feedback is purely aesthetic. My eyes go a little buggy with all the “R’s” in “RRRCT.” I mean, I know how hard it is to get branding going, and a lot of thought and care clearly went into it. There is nothing wrong with the name, per se. But…Rori, I you ever do a re-brand, would you consider something a little simpler, like “R3CT” or something?

    I just like how that rolls off my mental tongue. Or something…I just feel overwhelmed by all the R’s. Lol

    It’s a minor thing. Just thought I’d mention it and see what you think. Cheers! : )



  111.  #111Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    *name of the course



  112.  #112Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    So…I’ve been having some interesting communication with S today…

    I have felt MUCH better, after communicating my feelings to him. And receiving an apology! That felt really nice and it actually did help “balance” my system out…

    And of course he still turns me on. But…I told him that it doesn’t matter. It’s all fun & games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is me – because eventually he will freak out and push me away. And that will feel bad.

    So I’m not willing to go down that road. UNLESS he were able to really not do that. AND he would have to decide that, oh yes, in fact he does want a family and a long-term relationship. Ha! Oh, I am laughing so hard, thinking of that. That’s never going to happen.

    Hence…I will not be going down that road again : )



  113.  #113Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    I feel *magical*



  114.  #114Tereana on May 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Azure Blu – #72, thank you! That’s funny, there was actually a typo in that quote. Lol. If was supposed to say that I didn’t *want to take more time with him…

    This new phone does all kinds of crazy autocorrect. It’s driving me nuts. Lol

    I’m glad you liked it!! : )



  115.  #115Turquoise on May 28, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Thank you Kyla!! Yes, it’s Pianoman lol. I couldn’t remember!! 🙂 It’s light…. sweet…. I enjoy him. Truly, I’m so focused with the candle company, that I haven’t give dating much thought! I’m getting a clear picture of what I want log term though…. and setting my intentions… it feels good, and right. Congratulations on your news! Wow…. sooooo happy for you!!!



  116.  #116Liquid Light on May 28, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    OMG I went to a happy hour today and as soon as I walked in the door I immediately recognized someone from online. I had looked at his profile today, and he had looked at mine. It was a trip! We both smiled at each other initially then after a while, he struck up a conversation. He couldn’t quite place me at first but then it hit him as we were talking! It was so funny, and kinda embarrassing. Hahhaaha! He’s very cute, and seems wickedly fun (bad boy type) so I’m not taking him v seriously. I kinda knew that before I met him though and it was just confirmed after the face to face. But he’s definitely fun. He messaged me from the site after I got home. LOL!



  117.  #117Indigo on May 28, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Kyla,

    Thank you so much! 🙂 I will keep you posted on how it goes.

    xx



  118.  #118Liquid Light on May 28, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    I met another man whom I had spoken with before. He had a wedding ring on so just thought it was friendly banter. But he was really demanding my attention and kept saying stuff like well I can show you this and that in the area, go on this/that hike. And he said “when I was married…”. So weird, why would he wear a wedding ring if he wasn’t married? Gave me his card at the end. He offered to buy me a drink but didn’t end up paying for it. It was on my bill and so I paid for it. Kinda tacky.



  119.  #119Indigo on May 28, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Waterfall 87,

    This is some amazing awareness you have here. And I empathise with you so much.

    When you want the marriage, the relationship, the “dream” so much, you get way ahead of yourself, without stopping to even think “is this what I actually want?”

    When you are caught up in the thinking you describe, you are prey for all kinds of inappropriate relationship behavior and men who aren’t actually right for you.

    I am practicing slowing this way down… slowing down enough to figure out how I feel every step of the way. Holding firm to *my* boundaries, no matter how much other people might not feel the same. Making sure I am living in the reality of who this person is rather than what I’d like them to be.

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t worry so much about being strong, but more about being kind to yourself, comforting yourself with what you can learn from this.

    x



  120.  #120Millie on May 28, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Tereana 65–

    I’d love to share my job experience with you…
    I’ve always loved creating, so Fashion Design is such a perfect field for me. When I was 17, I was pretty hung up on wanting to be a ballet dancer, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I had gotten interested in costume design and my mom enrolled me in community college since I was feeling directionless. I started taking sewing and fashion courses and found a new passion. I’ve always loved to draw and create….so through a family friend I got a job at a high end vintage store doing alterations and making patterns. After a couple years there, I wanted more for myself and decided to look for Design jobs. Many wanted someone with a degree, so I looked around town for classes and found myself applying to a prestigious Art and Design school. I got in and must say that going there was one of the best decisions I made for myself. I graduated last May with a BFA and was hired at my current company through an affiliation with the school. All of the designers there went to my college, so they prefer to hire from within. My job is hard, I’m emotional and sensitive and find myself wanting cry or scream and burst! But most days I love it, and am happy to be actively involved in my passion every day. 🙂



  121.  #121Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 4:46 am

    I’ve been thinking about “rewards” lately. Yesterday I noticed that my system (my mental system) just isn’t set up to recognize “rewards.” What I understand are “punishments” and “treats.” I know what it means to do something “wrong” and then to be punished in some way.

    And where it’s all kind of broken is that the punishment IS kind of a reward. It’s attention. And any attention can feel good when you feel invisible and like you don’t matter. At least a punishment confirms my existence.

    And treats are not the same as rewards. Treats are random. Treads are “just because.” It’s a nice day – we’ll have ice cream. Daddy got paid for something. We’ll go out to dinner. But it has nothing to do with me, my actions, or anything. It is at the whim of someone/something else. It can’t be trusted. It’s just as likely that I might want something and that if I ask, the response will be “there’s not enough.” It was a total crapshoot. It FEELS like a total crapshoot.

    And that’s what I experience now: I enjoy “treats” whenever I can give them to myself. They make me feel as if there is abundance, but it’s always only temporary. And I experience punishment – I understand it. From lovers, co-workers, anyone.

    I probably wouldn’t know a reward if it smacked me in the face (I would think it was a punishment. Ha!).

    And THIS, I am starting to believe, is at the core of my issues with money. Most people experience money and being paid. I DO NOT. In fact, it makes me nervous. I don’t know how to understand or process the “reward” and so I get rid of it as fast as possible. I “treat” myself, and/or spend it on something I’ve needed for a long time. And when the money is gone, I can go back to punishing myself for spending it. Because a punishment I can understand…

    I suppose it would help to feel a reward. That’s funny. 34 years, and I don’t know what a reward actually feels like…



  122.  #122Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 4:48 am

    Meant to write: most people experience money and being paid as a reward



  123.  #123Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Meant to write: most people experience money and being paid as a reward.

    And this concept is important for relationships, too. In a relationship, I don’t “understand” reward and praise. What I DO know how to work with is shame, guilt, criticism and punishment.

    Maybe this doesn’t make me so weird. Maybe this only makes me human.

    But still. I seem to sense that it would feel so nice to experience lovely positive feelings in a relationship, instead of punishment, anger, or criticism. I just don’t hadeva conceit or what that’s like – for me. I can see it for other people. I don’t know what it FEELS LIKE inside. And I fear that, if I did, I might be doing something wrong…



  124.  #124Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Have a concept



  125.  #125Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 5:00 am

    Millie – Wow!! We have so much in common, it’s amazing! I also wanted to be a ballet dancer. Lol. I still love dance, but the ballet scene is not for me. I studied art in undergrad and ended up working in theater after that, in the costume shops. I’ve meandered around after that, but I keep coming back to fashion. I’ve actually already applied to a school and gotten in. But it’s expensive. So I’m going to try applying for some grants and go next year. It’s encouraging to hear that the degree has helped in your path. Its frustrating to feel like there is something I really want to be doing and that I’m not doing it! And every other job just makes me feel like I’m faking it and not really being myself…thank you for sharing that! : )



  126.  #126Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 5:04 am

    LL – funny experiences! The guy with the wedding ring – you could just ask him? It’s less awkward if you just come out and say it, I think. Even sounds like he was inviting you to ask…

    It could be that his wife has passed away and he is a widower. In that case, he may preserving her memory. You don’t know. Unless you ask : )



  127.  #127Kyla on May 29, 2014 at 7:00 am

    I feel optimistic about how things will play out with exh. I’m standing my ground and waiting to see what he decides to do now. I feel positive that whatever happens will be for good and that healing and better understanding will occur. Several important pieces of my life have fallen away in the last 9 months and even the most painful of these brought me happiness by making room for better to come in to my life. I am feeling strong and peaceful and able to step outside of drama and observe it with clarity. I love you and I know the source of all my pain is my
    resistance to love the parts of me that feel unworthy. I let go and relax and release and restore my peace. I let love flow here, I let love dissolve my resistance. I feel trusting that whatever happens is for good. I will be ok financially and my children will know that they are loved beyond belief. My life is being upgraded and this is just part of the ongoing process. When I count the blessings I’ve been receiving I can see that even the things I thought were sent to test me were simply blessings I resisted. When I let go of my resistance pure magic happens. Whatever is going on inside me that has caused this, I’m sorry for taking so long to hear you and forcing you to shout for my attention. Whatever you want to teach me about myself I embrace and thank you for giving me this opportunity to heal old wounds. I am open to receive more love.



  128.  #128Kyla on May 29, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Tereana I hear you. Shame and punishment are my teachers too.

    Rewards are something I could never quite reach or were withheld without explanation. Punishment feels like recognition and something I can trust in and count on, I understand punishment. I push rewards away until I feel Ive earned them and never let myself believe I’m good enough to deserve them. I feel like I can be forgiven once I accept my punishment. I find deeper and deeper layers of shame and guilt inside me and allow each one I find to flow in a safe space with understanding and compassion as many times as it asks me to do so. I realise I have punished myself so hard for so long that I finally feel deserving of love. I have served my time and have been granted parole. I have earned great rewards for my service and the truth is that I never had to, I chose to, to make the rewards that much sweeter 🙂



  129.  #129Femininewoman on May 29, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Millie thanks for sharing. I felt your passion and wish you all the best in your career.



  130.  #130Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 8:56 am

    OK, what do you all make of this?

    I got a message back from someone I had had a first date/meeting with last week. We had a really nice date and I was surprised I didn’t hear back from him. I’m going to Hawaii this Saturday and he said he knew a bunch of recommendations of places to go there since he has spent so much time there. He said to send him my email address. So I did even though I hadn’t heard back from him after the date which I was a bit surprised about.

    Then I get a message from him last night saying that he “had a fun time too but he didn’t think that I was into him. ” Wow! Can you believe that? We had one date!!! What is it with the pouty men?? I’m not even sure how to respond to that!!??? Any suggestions? It was a bit off putting and wondering what is up with this guy???



  131.  #131Femininewoman on May 29, 2014 at 8:58 am

    RE 127 Kyla that felt so good to read. Yayy you!!



  132.  #132Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Tereana 126, Truth be told, I don’t want to find out…its fine with me if he’s married! Hahahaha! I’m not really that interested.



  133.  #133Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Millie, Your career sounds fantastic – you are off to a flying start! And your date the other night sounds like it was amazing! You go, girl, so happy for you!



  134.  #134Indigo on May 29, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Liquid Light 130,

    It would feel great to see you soften a little… maybe he is not being pouty, maybe he is being sincere.

    You don’t have to respond, but maybe just open yourself to the possibility of what he is feeling… just for fun.

    If it were me, I wouldn’t reassure him, as that would be masculine, but I’d respond with something sweet and gentle, like “gosh, really? 🙂 I had no idea”



  135.  #135Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 10:53 am

    LL #130
    Yes, I do know what you mean by pouty men…
    Sometimes it has seemed in my age group (52-65)
    many have not dated much,
    they have been married for many years (20+)
    and are sincerely clueless…
    MNcd (married for 40 yrs. wife died 3 yrs)
    did the same to me after a few dates…
    lots of texting, no phone calls and acted like i didnt like him… I was confused…
    I stopped dating altogether last year..
    He stayed in contact with me…
    He dated a couple of other women
    and we started dating again last month…
    I am more authentic and share my feelings more with him now
    and he is able to process our interactions better…

    I would simply say what you wrote in your post…
    I feel happy to hear from you..
    I am confused about why you thought I wasn’t into you…
    One date for me isn’t enough time to tell



  136.  #136Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 11:01 am

    Thanks Azure, Yeah, its a bit dumbfounding. I wrote him back that I was confused by his response and that I really enjoyed meeting him and chatting. Also that I am a bit reserved so probably not as outgoing as most women. This is what he wrote back:

    “That’s a good point. I did not mean offense. I am definitely attracted to you and enjoyed our conversation.”

    Awhh, kinda sweet! 🙂



  137.  #137Kyla on May 29, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Ooh LL I’ve had those messages too. I said
    – Oh that feels weird to hear and I feel confused. I felt so good being out with you Friday and it felt really fun. Thank you for letting me know how you feel. All the best –
    I don’t know if I was getting it from dates where I’d been less warm and open and they were letting me know that I left them feeling neutral or if it was from insecure men that wanted me to chase and shut off my options after one date. I just used it as another chance for me to practice without any risk of losing what wasn’t there. It made some step up and others poof 🙂

    Or just delete him and get ready for Hawaii! Ooh lucky girl 🙂



  138.  #138Kyla on May 29, 2014 at 11:03 am

    Aw LL that was a sweet response!



  139.  #139Kyla on May 29, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Thank you Femininewoman that feels so good!



  140.  #140Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Yeah its sweet but a bit overwhelming. Feeling like there are a lot of expectations already and we’ve only just met.



  141.  #141Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Plus I’ve got a big interview tomorrow and another possible opportunity that just popped up in the last few days that seems even more appealing. Will interview with them today/tomorrow. So a lot on my plate, not sure I want to be involved with someone whom I have tip toe around so he doesn’t pout and feel rejected. My ex was like that – no matter what I did to reassure him it was never enough. Ughh.



  142.  #142Veronica on May 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Dominique -78 – Thank you so much for what you do.



  143.  #143Veronica on May 29, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Indigo – 80 – Oh my word yes! Thank you so much for your suggestions, I will definitely be looking up those websites when I get back from my trip – I’m going to look at an Earthship that I want to build for myself in the future.

    I keep telling people around me that over the past couple of years that I’ve noticed that I’m becoming more sensitive and that’s from already being sensitive. And that my need for the ‘good things’ are not because I want luxurious things, but because I *need* to take care of myself. I do need to be around more sensitive people, I’m not quite sure how to find them, but maybe by doing more self-caring activities I’ll meet those people.

    Soon soon soon you’ll be doing your own thing for real : )
    xx



  144.  #144Veronica on May 29, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Sophie – 88 – Gosh when you wrote about it being difficult in relationship with men especially when they don’t communicate – I felt that ‘someone gets what that’s like’ relief. BM barely communicated what’s going on in his world, we can talk ‘topics’ but him, ugh – I remember feeling exasperated at not being able to experience him sharing where he’s at with me and yet other men, even strangers were able to share their emotional moments with me. It caused so much pain and mental anguish that the idea of being emotionally intimate with a man or anyone seems laced with that pain – I cry when I recognize that.

    I agree that maybe people are not in a place to handle their emotions being seen like that. Being able to share deep feelings with someone – that is so precious, it’s like being allowed to be home with yourself in the presence of another. I wouldn’t want to be without that. Your sharing is opening up a lot for me, thank you!



  145.  #145Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    On the other hand, maybe its OK because he’s younger than me and “definitely” wants to have kids. That’s not an option for me anymore so maybe that takes some of the pressure off…so maybe he’s not Mr Right but maybe he’s Mr Right Now! Hahahahahahahah!!!! LOL! 🙂

    Arggh, really spinning my wheels now…feeling so much excitement/anxiety about work stuff. This new opportunity could be absolutely amazing…I really want it!!!! But now I’m not sure what to do if the other co offers me a job tomorrow at the interview and wants an answer…..ARGGHHHH!!!!



  146.  #146Dominique on May 29, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Veronica – 143 – I found this for myself too; the more aware of my sensitivities I’ve become as well as the more accepting if not embracing, the more sensitive I seem to be.

    You get to see the world in ways so many can’t, feel things, see things, hear things others don’t. And this is SO beautiful I think.

    And what you will find is that like attracts like, so people like you will find you, hone into your energy like bees to honey, and you them.

    Much love to you.

    xxoo



  147.  #147Dominique on May 29, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Liquid Light – 145 – One thing at a time. What iffing only creates stress for you, and chances are your what ifs won’t ever happen. Trust that you will know what to say and what to do, as things arise.

    That said, IF the tomorrow company wants you that badly, they WILL allow you a day or so to think about their offer.

    xxoo



  148.  #148Veronica on May 29, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling tired or that I’ve developed a low tolerance for ‘pouty’ men. After reading Liquid Light’s posts (hi LL) about the pouty message from her date, I thought ‘hell no, I’m not even going to bother, not even for practice’. Can’t men just ask?

    He he I’m feeling cheeky: How about a script for the man who’s not sure? Ugh but then, why not just go on another date to see how things go. A concern like that after the first date would bring up my concerns about his ‘big-game temperament’ i.e. is this guy capable of doing relationship?

    gosh I’m cheeky : P



  149.  #149Veronica on May 29, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Dominique – 146 – Your words guide me and I find that comforting.

    I didn’t know that sensitivity increases when one focuses on the already existing sensitivity – it was surprising to me since I believed that there’s a finite amount, that one only explores the sensitivity that already exists. This is exciting to know and now I feel curious as to how people find their own secrets to their own selves in their bodies and their senses and their emotions as they become more sensitive. Thank you for letting me know, it’s exquisite to know.

    And this:
    And what you will find is that like attracts like, so people like you will find you, hone into your energy like bees to honey, and you them.

    I needed to hear this when I was a child and fretting about loneliness, and I need to hear it now because I still fret about it. (((((Thank you))))))
    xoxo



  150.  #150Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Yeah, Veronica, this pouting thing is coming up a lot with men. Honestly, I think they are way more needy than women sometimes! It’s just something that I think I’m going to have to deal with because truth be told, its better than indifference or ambivalence. Seems like its always one extreme or the other though!



  151.  #151Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    LL #136
    Ohhh… that is a cool response from him… 🙂
    I see your point though if you know he is wanting children etc.

    How wonderful to be going to Hawaii

    Feels soo powerful for you to have 2 possible options for work!!



  152.  #152Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Thanks Azure!!! I so appreciate your well wishes!!! 🙂



  153.  #153Sophie on May 29, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    127 – Kyla – is that from your diaries you mentioned? thank you! It is beautiful. I would like to start some writings like that. That feels good.

    Veronica – I’m so sensitive your thanks nearly made me cry ha ha – my sensitivity has definitely increased but perhaps more for me as I’ve peeled away more and more layers of defence – I could never cry before I was always angry – nothing could make me cry – now I get moved to a tear pretty much every day if not several times…I am learning to love how soft I am -I’m not quite there yet – for me I think more than the deep conversations I need a tenderness and understanding; a man who can be with my emotions rather than affected by them (if that makes sense). I did have one once so I think it exists…xxx



  154.  #154Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Kyla #127
    I agree with Sophie…
    This is something I want to start practicing today!!!

    I have pasted and copied to my text edit and will say it out loud before I leave for my hiking date

    this BEAUTIFUL, perfect spring day with MN…
    What a Lucky woman am I
    to have a strong, kind, thoughtful man
    asking me to go hiking with him
    because he knows
    how much I love to do this!!!

    I am feeling anxious being vulnerable
    with him and
    getting more and more close…

    I will go and open my heart and simply BE.
    I LOVE YOU Azure.. YOU ARE worthy…

    I think what Tereana has shared about Punishment
    Is something for me to consider
    Punishment is sooo mUCH more familiar to me
    than someone treating me kindly and thoughtfully…



  155.  #155Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Oh my gosh, Azure, I felt all tingly and teary eyed reading about your hike/date. You totally deserve a great man like MN who treats you like the Goddess that you are! I am so happy for you!!!



  156.  #156Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Kyla, I absolutely love what you wrote in 127! It feels good just to read it…

    And it’s kind of neat that what I wrote about punishment and reward has struck a chord with several of you. I honestly just felt like getting the feelings out there. It’s cool that some of you can relate – that is, it’s nice to know we are not alone!



  157.  #157Tereana on May 29, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    LL you are having the most interesting experiences! Lol



  158.  #158Labbit on May 29, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Kyla that is amazing news that Ninja is moving in! Waffles on Saturdays sounds like a grand tradition. Sending lots of love and good luck your way.

    LL I love your text back to the guy, and his response is just as delightful. I tend to forget that men can be insecure too…it is a good sign that he shared his thoughts and you shared your feelings in return. 🙂



  159.  #159Zia on May 29, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Veronica & Indigo – sounds like you’re both empaths 🙂



  160.  #160Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    LL #155
    (((hugs)))
    ;->
    I had a good time with MN…
    walking through the woods in his town…
    I brought a salad and some sushi for dinner…
    He has paid for all our dates and the gas..
    He liked it when I brought the food tonight.
    He is gone for 3 days up north working on his house.
    spending time with his family (they have a house up north too)
    I needed this weekend to work on my house chores and work for my clients…
    This feels warm and soft….



  161.  #161Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Sophie #127
    When I read your post
    I realized that is what has happened in my life also..

    As I have started practicing and reading about the Rori way
    I have become much more sensitive.
    Before I would feel emotions
    but would work really hard to cover them quickly
    and NOT show tears or compassion.
    Now I will let myself tear up and love how I show my emotions…
    I LOVE this about me now!!!
    (((hugs))) to YOU Azure for loving yourself
    more and more
    and now it spills over to share with others!!!
    :-}



  162.  #162Indigo on May 29, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Veronica 149,

    I believe we are supposed to become more attuned to ourselves as our lives progress, that our lives and choices should more closely reflect who we are, our passions, desires and needs. And so I think as you accept your sensitivity, it blossoms and finds more confidence to come forth more and more.

    Like-minded people will find you… though I have found there aren’t many of them, and they may not always be around as much as you’d like. But I think if you’ve experienced loneliness as a sensitive person, you appreciate your friends even more.

    Yay, today is my last day at work! It feels like Christmas! I feel so light 🙂



  163.  #163Indigo on May 29, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    This article’s for Tam, and it helped me so much in getting over Blue, and had me in stitches laughing!

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/narcissistic-harems-in-a-nutshell-why-its-time-to-stop-envying-the-ex-and-various-hanger-ons/



  164.  #164Millie on May 30, 2014 at 12:31 am

    Thank you FeminineWoman and Liquid Light!!

    Tereana, I love hearing that we have so much in common! Glad to hear you are pursuing your dreams 🙂



  165.  #165Millie on May 30, 2014 at 12:34 am

    Ladies I was thinking about something today, I saw a photo of a beautiful bouquet of roses a woman received from I don’t know who….but it made think of how good it would feel to receive flowers from a man I was dating. I’ve only received flowers once, from a boyfriend I had when I was 17. So….in ten years I’ve received any. I used to not really care, thinking that I’d much rather received a potted plant, something that survives rather than is just thrown out later….but it’s really the gesture that I want. I wonder how I can inspire that sort of gesture in a man?…..



  166.  #166Mel on May 30, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Hi ladies!

    Have had pretty much zero time lately… but today I felt inspired to check-in. 🙂

    @Millie: 165
    Get yourself some flowers! 🙂 Treat yourself well. Spoil your “little girl” and the men around you will see how she wants to be treated. I wanted a garden, so I made myself one (a rather simple one, but a garden nonetheless 😉 ). My man noted this, went out to the hardware store and bought all the materials to build me two raised garden beds. He wanted me to have a “really beautiful garden.”

    The upside is… even if the men around you don’t notice that you like flowers, you will still HAVE flowers- in giving to yourself, you can nurture your feminine spirit and make her feel all smiley. 🙂



  167.  #167Labbit on May 30, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Millie I am the same, I LOVE getting flowers! With my ex I used to try dropping hints (this was pre-RR) and though I’d say things like ‘it would feel so great to get flowers!’ He picked up on the hint but I didn’t get much enjoyment out of the bouquet…probably because I felt I’d pushed him into it.

    About a year ago I started buying myself flowers each weekend just to have some fresh loveliness around the apartment. When I saw people around my city carrying flowers I would inhale deeply, sometimes pretend those flowers were for me and imagine myself receiving flowers and how good that would feel!

    Then a funny thing happened. One of my CDs brings me flowers (or sometimes chocolate) to every date! He surprised me with roses on our very first date and has continued for over three months now with various bouquets. Sometimes he even has little stories to go with them — “These made me think of Spring…” or “I dreamt you wore pink on our date so here are the flowers to match…” or “Only the best for you…” This is just who he is and it is DELIGHTFUL. It was like I’d used my masculine energy to ‘take care’ of myself beforehand by buying flowers, and then the man who wanted to give flowers to me showed up! I love it when things like this happen, the universe is so cool and learning Rori’s Tools is helping me access all this goodness.

    If flowers or gifts are very important to you, if you place that on your list of core values and imagine it as part of your dream man when you’re doing the Tools, it very well might show up in a man you meet!



  168.  #168Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Sophie re 127 yes thats kind of how I write to myself in my journels. I usually write out the feelings I’m feeling, riff a bit and flip it into something I can feel really good about and talk to myself like I’m a dear friend. I also write about the different tools and scripts I tried and how they made me feel. Its pretty cool because I can see patterns emerging that I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t keep track and I can inspire myself back into good, positive feelings during rough patches when I read back over what worked for me, whats shifted, whats no longer a problem that seemed monumental when I wrote about it.. Its something I put into practice when I started CDing to keep me motivated and its become really important to me.



  169.  #169Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Labbit – I love hearing about your Cd who brings you flowers, so beautiful! As with hinting at your ex, I think almost everyone experiences wishing someone would instictively ‘know’ what we want and feeling disappointed when we have to ask for it! Its so so awesome that you turned it around and started romancing yourself and as a side effect you have attracted that kind of romance into your life! You are inspiring, Siren!



  170.  #170Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 8:04 am

    Kyla #168…
    Lovely siren….

    Mmmmm… off and on I have done this too…

    Sooo interesting to read back and see what has changed….
    what is still an issue…
    how I worked through something…
    Also I write down some of the Wonderful things my
    cds say and some things that concern me…
    Its very interesting how much I’ve forgotten of the things they say… Good and bad…

    I’ve noticed I have stopped doing this in the last 2 months…



  171.  #171Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Sirnes…
    I feel the same way about flowers and chocolate…
    LOVE getting both…
    I’ve had many men who love to bring me flowers/chocolate… and some that don’t

    Maybe it isn’t the siren way but…
    MN hasn’t brought me any flowers OR chocolate
    (BUT he is VERY generous with paying for all the dates etc)
    Last night I mentioned (as he pointed out a florist shop in his town)
    “I feel so warm and excited when I get flowers”
    He smiled and said:
    well. I’ll have to do something about that….

    For me…. I have learned…
    no one can read my mind…
    Now he knows that I like flowers…
    so I don’t feel bad about letting him know what I do like (I would have resented it a few years ago)



  172.  #172Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Yes, Azure Blu. I seem to remember the memories that match my current emotional state and its so easy to forget when everything is coloured by how I’m feeling this moment. You are keeping track on the blog though! I do both. I write in a journel, sent myself emails or texts or write on the blog :)For me the blog is even better sometimes because I’m putting it ‘out there’ and there’s accountability and support to keep progressing forward 🙂



  173.  #173Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Kyla…
    Yesss…. when I finally found the courage to join siren island (after reading many archives and day to day for over a year) …
    It has helped move me forward in MY LOVE, CHERISHING and Forgiveness of ME,
    being Vulnerable
    Authentic
    Honest with myself
    with All the lovely goddesses on here
    has been HUGE!!
    ;*}



  174.  #174Liquid Light on May 30, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Tereana 157, Thanks, yes, I do feel like I’m having some interesting experiences! I think what’s starting to happen is that I’m starting to feel like I’m bit by bit part of a community here. It’s the right size for me, not too big, not too small, so that there’s enough variety in places to go but not too small that its stifling.

    I’ve been forcing myself to go out locally to restaurants for happy hours and I’m starting to see people that I know. It’s fun! Of course, most of the people I know are men (because they are easier to meet at happy hours) and it may start to get weird.

    Actually It’s already starting to get weird because I’ve met a few men over the last few months that are interested in me but I’m not in them. So there’s some tension there when I see them again after I haven’t taken them up on getting together or whatever. I feel like I’ve pissed some of these guys off and I don’t want to do that. If any of you have any suggestions for how to deal with this better, let me know. I plan to keep going to these same places so its only going to get more complicated. I don’t want to encounter a bunch of angry men when I go back…ughh!



  175.  #175Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 10:14 am

    LL #174
    I’ve had some of what you’re talking about happen at my favorite spots in town…

    This is just what I have done…
    Since RR I’m much more able to address the issue
    Because I care about ME
    and don’t want ME to feel uncomfortable when I’m in these places..
    I have gone up to the guys and said…
    Hi how’s it going? I feel a little uneasy coming up to you…
    He says whatever…
    I say: I just wanted to make sure you know I
    hope there’s no bad feellings… You’re a nice guy…
    Let’s stay friends!!
    and listen to what he says…
    Sometimes they are nice about it and sometimes they
    have an attitude…
    BUT I AM at ease after this conversation
    Which is ALLLL that matters.
    :->



  176.  #176Liquid Light on May 30, 2014 at 10:42 am

    OH, wow, Azure, thank you! I would have never thought of that, my inclination would have been to do nothing and just be uncomfortable around him. That’s a great idea though! Love it! Thanks!!!



  177.  #177Andrea on May 30, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Well.. well.. well… where is the recent post that Rori wrote about just being uber grateful about any small thing that a guy does? I can’t remember the context of that post but I had this experience happen to me this past week.

    Last Friday I went out with a woman who is my same age and single and dating. We got into some kind of disagreement about our dating styles. I just remember her very passionately asking me, “Don’t you want to feel strong and independent? Don’t you want to prove to yourself and to your girls that you can do it all? Don’t you want to show them that they don’t need anyone, that they can see you going and doing things for yourself?”

    I didn’t respond to her at the time. I just smiled and listened and shook my head no. I realized that she was being so intense because she was just trying to work something out with herself.

    But, later, my response to myself was this:

    “Why is it that of all the things that happened tonight, this conversation is what you remember? Well, maybe it’s because this is a question I really am asking myself. So….
    Don’t I want to be independent and know that I can do things on my own??? Well, I AM independent and I do almost all things for me and my family on my own. I AM and HAVE taught my daughters that we are capable and strong and survivors and that we don’t NEED to rely on anyone else to take care of our own needs. I have shown them that I can DO IT ALONE.

    Guess what??? I what’s wrong with teaching my daughters to ask for help. What’s wrong with teaching them not to say… back off, I can do it myself. But teaching them to say… Wow!! woah!! Thank you so so much! You just made my life easier because of your help. Oh thank you. I appreciate your presence in my life so much. Thank you!

    Now that’s what I want to be and show and teach. I’ve already, am already DOing the Alone and independent strong woman thing. And it’s fine, but it’s not as fun as BEing the appreciative soft smiling happy joyful wonder filled woman.”

    So, I have bikes in my storage that have popped tires. I sent text messages at the beginning of the week to every CD and every male friend that I know… just asking for help with these tires.

    Then every response I got, whether it was advice, actual help, money… I just practiced radical intense appreciation.

    #1 Guy to respond: I can fix them. Do you want me to.
    Me: Oh my YES!! wow. I feel so amazed. You can fix them just like that? Thank you so much for your quick response.

    Result: He couldn’t get around to them for a week, because he was so busy with moving out of his old house. But I was so appreciative of the way he “made me feel so taken care of”, that he remembered that I had been looking for a Casio Keyboard for my girls to practice piano on. He bought one for me and brought it over this morning while he was passing through my neighborhood. Feeling SO overwhelmed with joy.

    #2 Guy to Respond: “I’m busy all week long but take them to the bike store and I will pay for the repairs with my credit card over the phone.”

    Me: You are my hero. Thank you so much. I feel so taken care of and looked out for.

    Result: That’s what I did. Took them to the bike store and got them fixed. And he paid for them with his credit card.

    #3 Guy to respond: I’ve been wanting to call you. Can I come and take you to lunch tomorrow?

    Me: Wow, well I feel so elated that you were thinking about me. Yes I’d love to have lunch with you.

    Result: He took me to the town and country club for wine, then to a new resort bar for lunch, then to his favorite hang out for happy hour. At the end of the afternoon he said, “Oh we didn’t look at the tires and I’ve kept you out all afternoon. What do you need for your girls? Dinner?”
    And so he took me to a sandwhich shop and we got dinner for my daughters.

    #4 Guy to respond: I’m coming into town and I have a gift for you anyway.

    Me: Oh I feel so excited to see you.

    Result: He came to town, took me out, and told me how much he loves me and regrets that he can’t live with me and help me with my daughters and I. It’s just his life is the way it is and he’s always gone. But he gave me several hundred dollars to buy my girls summer clothes and to help with the bikes.

    Two other men also responded with advice about how to take care of the tires. And even them.. I just sent messages back about how grateful I am to them for their great advice. How appreciative I am that I feel looked after and taken care of and that I don’t have to tackle everything alone.

    One of those guys sent me a message back: “Wow! Thank you!”

    I’m learning two things: Just appreciate what ever comes. Because it can lead to something I never expected. Appreciation and radical grattitude keeps me open to all the possibilities.

    And: Ask for help when I need it but be willing and able to hear “no”. Even the “no’s” in this case, led to something nice. Instead of sulking or grumping about the men who didn’t respond, or the men who didn’t help with exactly what I needed, I was open to what they DID want to help me with, what they COULD offer, and I’ve come out way better than I even thought possible.



  178.  #178Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Andrea my heart is bursting reading that! Wow wow wow! That is my experience when I ask for help also although I’ve done it on such a teeny scale and usually only as a last resort so you have inspired me to start being braver and just asking even more! Yay my Friday inspiration 🙂



  179.  #179Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Andrea!!!
    You Glorious SIREN!! I am full of WONDER

    I’m always soooo impressed with the quality of cds you have in your life… & your ability to stay in contact with each of them!!!
    How manly you allow them to feel!!

    Like you… I DO KNOW how to take care of EVERYTHING on my own…
    The difficult part for ME is to be able to
    relax
    and ask for help in an open,
    warm manner…
    And accept and receive all that people are able to give!!



  180.  #180Waterfall on May 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Wow Andrea I am super inspired by this!!

    You super siren, you!!

    I love the confidence with which you right this. I can just imagine all of these men tripping over themselves to help you and you being as cool as cucumber about it!!

    I find this so hard. I end up feeling guilty and like I owe them something…

    A male friend recently took me out for a fantastic 3 course meal but I felt the urge to say that I’ll repay him by cooking him a meal. I made a really big thing about it at the time and he hasn’t let me forget!!

    Hmmm…. Its all so interesting and fascinating though…



  181.  #181Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

    LL #176
    I feel happy that made since to you!!
    :->



  182.  #182Andrea on May 30, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Waterfall, I know what you mean about feeling the urge to “re-pay” the favour.

    It’s only recently that I’ve been practicing putting that feeling to Just Feeling.. and Not Doing something about it.

    When my Joe brought over the casio Keyboard this morning I was just all… agog! I was so elated, so overjoyed. But there was an awkward moment where he was parked in a no park zone. He was unloading the instrument onto the lawn. It was a quick, “Here’s a keyboard for you. I’ve got to go.”

    I felt the need to say, “How much do you want for it?” Or.. “Come by later and I’ll really show you how much I appreciate it.” Or… “Let me do something for you. Do you need help with your move?”

    But I just FELT that urge. And didn’t do anything about it. Instead I let there be an awkward moment where he was smiling and I was smiling just looking at him and we both laughed and I said, “I’m just blushing. I just feel so happy right now!”

    And he said, “Me too.”

    Then he was off driving away. I finally realized that my men.. what ever men are in my life, well, their in my life because they want to be in my life. They want to be in my life because I’m authentic and they just feel their best selves around me.

    I can’t offer him money for that gift. I don’t have the money to give. I can’t offer to cook him something because I don’t want to be under that kind of pressure. I can’t offer to help him move because (authentically) I don’t want to help him move.

    And if he wanted to keyboard to go to someone that would give him something in return for it… he would not have given it to me. And that’s all his business anyway.

    But I do understand that urge. I understand it and I feel it and I am starting to like feeling it.. JUST feeling it with a smile and I love that feeling of awkward not knowing for sure if he wants something in return… and then letting it come through me and ending up trusting him to tell me what he wants, and end up trusting myself to go with it.. or not.



  183.  #183Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Sirens alll…
    this accepting and receiving with feelings of…
    Ohhhh… I need to repay…
    Is a great discussion…
    Cause me too…
    I’ve gotten soooo Good at not pulling out my wallet after a lovely dinner out or sports tickets or anything else…
    BUT alot of times I do have the feeling… “I should DO SOMETHING nice back…”
    I want to be a goddess and continue to lean back and receive…



  184.  #184Millie on May 30, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Thank Labbit and Mel!!! I really love the idea of surounding myself with flowers and living things!! I’m going to the flower mart with a friend tmrw…I think I’ll buy myself a gift. 🙂



  185.  #185Femininewoman on May 30, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Hey Mel. I love seeing your name pop up.



  186.  #186Indigo on June 1, 2014 at 2:40 am

    Mel,

    I’m with you on the flowers and chocolate thing. If flowers and chocolates (or stuffed toys in my case 🙂 ) are something I like, I buy them for myself… the man invariably notices and asks me about it, and then I get to smile warmly and gush about how much I like them and how they make me feel a girlish happiness. This has pretty much always resulted in me getting these things as gifts.



  187.  #187Indigo on June 1, 2014 at 2:51 am

    Andrea,

    I love the softness and gentleness and kindness with which you respond to people/men doing something for you and giving you something.

    It has inspired me.

    I had a longstanding, very frustrating computer problem fixed for me by a man, and I felt all these gushing, awe-filled feelings inside me, and you have given me a new way to express them.

    x



  188.  #188Give Thanks on June 7, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    I do not know about Rori’s tool but like to share with you my happy marriage. No marriage or relationship is perfect. I am not good with computer and I chance into this website. This is my personal view and you do not have to agree or disagree.

    1 Not texting and waiting for the guys to keep on texting and hoping for him to call, etc, you may loose the guy who may be good to you. We should treat everyone as unique and individual be they our husband or kids. From my past experience, I heed the advice not to receive calls (I am not young) and during my younger days we do not have cellphone – I avoided many guys phone calls and only answer after the guys made many attempts to call. I gave the message as I am not interested in him. So, you have to know whether you should answer his call or text. He is a nice man, answer the call, if you are not interested, just tell him that he is nice it is just you who don’t deserve his goodness and you move on to find another guy instead of wasting time.

    2 Eye contact is important. How would you feel if you talk to someone and the person does not show any interest in what you said?

    3 Be yourself. There is no feminine or masculine. Just be yourself. Why must you ‘torture’ yourself to be someone that you are not. I do not know what tools but based on what you said, I just believe that you have to be yourself.

    4 Communication. It is important to have communication and you can express what you like and what you don’t like and similarly the guy will do the same.

    5 Accept the person’s weakness. If you think you cannot, then do not proceed with the relationship. If you proceed and end up in marriage, you have to learn to accept if you want to continue to stay in marriage.

    6 Bringing a person down. Whether guys or friends, never bring a person down. We do not want others to bring us down. Just clear the differences. If the person can’t accept, you have spoken what you want to speak.

    7 Don’t assume that the guys understand what you mean.

    8 Sex – Women like me as we get older, sex can be painful. I still have sex with my husband and I enjoy having sex. If we do not communicate, trouble will crop up like the married man did not have sex for 2 years. For marriage to be happy and lasting, one has to communicate. I told my husband that it was painfully and his advice was to go to the bathroom and wet my vagina or I can apply lubricant. When I did that, I did not feel any pain and so I enjoy making love with him. We may be old but boy we enjoy making love. All this is possible when you talk to one another. I cannot assume that my husband knows it is painful because of the dryness in my vagina. I have helped many people to stay in marriage and also helping them in ensuring that their husbands do not seek sex with other women. They told me that they now enjoy sex. They told their husbands when they feel the pain and their husbands will stop and let them wet their vagina. You see, husbands are not inconsiderate. They do not know that you are in pain unless you tell them. Good to tell the married man that he should talk to his wife to find out what is troubling her. If he does not do that, there is a possibility that he may do the same for another woman. I repeat many times, communication is important.

    9 Misunderstanding or differences – if you like the guy, if you have any differences, clear them and solve them before you go back home. If you are married, you must solve your problems before going to bed. That is one of the best ways to stay in happy marriage.

    10 Men have problems too – we women think that we have problems. We women voice out what we are not happy but our husbands or guys like to bottle themselves up. As women, we must learn to understand our men. After in relationship with him for many years, you will know that he may have problems at work or worries about his children’s education or whatever reasons. Let him know that you are there for him and you share his problems. There is no feminine or masculine, etc. You let him know that by sharing his problems that do not equate as he being less manly. By opening up, he is able to think positively and that will help you and him and the family.

    11 I kept on reading the word boundaries. Why must there be boundaries? Sorry, I do not have Rori’s tools and don’t intend to subscribe. There should not be any boundaries in any relationship. You want your children to come to you even if they are an adult because we adults as well as children need to learn from each other and there should not be any boundaries. We should respect each other but not boundaries.
    12 Over possessive – guys are human beings and if you keep on saying that HE IS MINE. You are suffocating him and that kind of relationship cannot last.

    We all have our unique relationship, be a good listener and communicate. We must not always think of receiving all the time. We have to give and take.

    For me, I ALWAYS PLACE GOD IN MY MARRIAGE and with GOD AS THE CENTRE OF OUR MARRIAGE LIFE, we are BLESSED TO HAVE HAPPY MARRIAGE (there are bumps along the way and still have bumps but we overcome them although some of the bumps can be repeated).

    P/S do not notify me for followup comments. Just like to share my happy moments. Normal to have bumps.



  189.  #189Sayrah on June 8, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    I feel sad and my heart feels heavy. I’m still rather new at this and while I have been getting some results, it’s not with anyone I’m attracted to. For the second time I have had a man contact me through online dating who was really promising looking, engaging and thoughtful, and writing me long-ass messages before we meet. With the first guy I reciprocated and he got spooked about something I said and ended it before we even met. The second one I kept my messages short and used feeling messages… was going well, but then he just wrote me and said he feels like my responses are “constricted” and that while my profile conveyed warmth, he wasn’t getting that from my messages –again before meeting. Arg! That guy is actually using A LOT of feeling messages, it does feel weird –like– wondering if he’s trying to be a siren?!! He did say in his profile that he doesn’t want to play games and the first thing I felt was that HE plays games. oi.

    I love this thread bc I’m totally confused about what to do with these men who are so freakin’ prolific in words. I loved what someone said about it feels like so much energy to text him in the beginning, while later it’s nice. The one guy I’m really seeing this work with has so overwhelmed me with love letters and saying he wants to be with me, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve told him I feel overwhelmed by information/don’t want to email a lot/ don’t want to be a girlfriend/need planning…. I don’t want to keep repeating myself with this man; I think he’s having a relationship with himself and he thinks it’s me. I’m afraid he will propose! I would like to keep dating him to experience someone being gaga for me, but it feels manipulative how he keeps telling me how over-the-moon he is for me, he just wants to be with me, he doesn’t feel like I feel the same, would I just please reply because he’s in limbo (I do reply, but not line for line)

    And what to do when a man keeps writing you and just asking how you’re doing or what you’re doing? I’ll use a feeling message, express that I don’t want to text or message a lot…. and two days later, there it is again: how are you/what ya doin’? It feels like they’re testing me… either baiting me to overfunction or they want to see if I have the time for them with no notice and if I don’t they pout and bail.

    I feel ready for a new neighborhood!!! How do I progress through this one? These guys are insecure/ like girls/ or really…really just stupid. Like borderline illiterate. Has anyone else gone through this extreme frog & emotional-freak period? Does it end? Or do nicer guys just start coming in among them? I wonder if I’m sending out some kind of poison when I lean back bc it feels so unnatural for me. Also, I think I might get kind-of business-like when I haven’t met someone yet, the messages are wearing on, I’m busy, and I just want to get to meeting! I’m warm in the beginning, but if they just keep messaging me I feel like being warm will encourage the interaction to stay in texting/emailing land.

    Oh my heart!



  190.  #190Indigo on June 9, 2014 at 1:12 am

    Sayrah,

    It was me who said that!

    The way I handle this, is that my actions line up with my words.

    I say *once* in the beginning that I’m not a big fan of texting, that I prefer phone calls, that I don’t want lengthy conversations before having met someone, and thereafter I simply do not reply, beyond perhaps occasionally, something very brief. I certainly do not reply to these lazy “how are you? how was your day/week?” messages (to me it feels like “entertaining” them) and I definitely would not reply to pressurizing messages like “Please reply/reciprocate, I feel like I’m in limbo.” Guys get the message very quickly this way.

    The thing is, if you’re going to have boundaries, *you* have to respect them. Your “I don’t enjoy texting” is not open for discussion.

    I just find this works very well for me. I am very warm and sweet when they do phone or when I see them, but I do not let myself get drawn into an ambiguous text ping-pong match.



  191.  #191Azure Blu on June 9, 2014 at 7:14 am

    Indigo#190
    Dito!!!
    Yes, that is exactly how I handle the men who want to text forever…
    Or chat on the dating site…
    or message on the dating site…
    Period!! It’s NOT up for discussion…

    For me… I want to have a phone conversation
    Before we meet… so I say that…
    “It feels good to me to talk on the phone
    What do you think?”
    They either give me their number or ask for mine…
    It’s better that I give them mine..
    As I tend to NOT call if it’s up to me.

    A phone conversation
    is another step to weed out the ones
    I’m not interested in BEFORE we meet.



  192.  #192Nicole on June 12, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    With the guy I’m talking to he always says that I never text him and that I should text him first. Now I’ve known him for a long time because he’s my ex and we dated for a long time, but it just seems like the conversation goes better when he starts it. Plus when he initiates it it feels like he was thinking of me. He also says he thinks im on games and that i dont love him but i think its perfectly clear how i feel. I just don’t know what I should do



  193.  #193Saisa on June 12, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Hello all, I’m new here. Found this site tonight after listening to Cristian Carter’s programme, which I had purchased ages ago and am now revisiting. I’ve read some of Rori’s posts and generally love the vibe of this site… I’m in a desperate situation and trying to find something to work, finally, after SO much frustration and pain (also known as limbo). I got married just before turning 29, and came to live in London with my husband, who is from another culture. In doing so, I left my family, friends and social status (being a student) behind. Had a child 2 years after getting hitched even though the marriage wasn’t working very well from the start. Then I spent 6 years at home being a good (albeit frustrated) mum and trying to get my husband to be a good dad to our son, too. My husband spent increasingly less time at home, sometimes coming back at 3 AM, with me trying to convince him he should be with us more, care about the family more… We spent just half a day a week together as a family, every Sunday, and even that seemed too much for my (almost ex) husband. No tenderness between us, no real communication (except the “what’s for dinner”? staple), no wedding anniversaries, no celebrating birthdays together…I was getting more and more depressed, almost suicidal, had very few friends and basically depended on him in almost every way. I know, I know, a VERY bad idea. And then, to top it all, 5 years ago, I had my daughter! To be honest, it was more to do with me being scared of having to find work in a foreign country after so many years of unemployment than with anything else, but now I love her to bits. Anyway, the marriage continued more or less along the same lines as always except it was getting worse, with verbal and emotional abuse from my ex. He told me I was unemployed and unemployable, ugly and fat. Shortly after giving birth to my daughter I started therapy that I never told him about. Around 3 yrs ago I began looking into divorce. My therapist encouraged me to start thinking about what I wanted, instead of complaining about what I didn’t want all the time. So, I did. I made a Vision Board in January last year. I also made a decision that things needed to change and that I would try to find out how to make myself happy.Three weeks later, a guy appeared in my life out of the blue. He was married with 3 kids, so even when we started texting, it was on the understanding that we JUST text in a friendly way. Boy did I enjoy his attention! It was like texting a girlfriend, only better (he’s left-handed, btw). I told him about my days and my problems, my plans and ambitions… My husband found out about 3 weeks after we started. I didn’t hide the texts. In my book, I was just trying to get out socially. We got to meet at a park, and my husband was there before me. He just asked me what I was doing there, then ran off. Crying. Confused, I still got to meet the guy and that night, my husband confronted me in a big way. We had a huge fight and I was ready to walk out on him and the kids. Total madness. He read all my emails, even in my native language (dictionary to hand) when I was asleep, went through all the clothes in my wardrobe, tried to control me with money…Wanted to take revenge on the other guy. We kept texting. My husband moved to the sofa first, then, around 3 months later, moved out of the flat. To be fair to him, he did try to change his behaviour… for a while. Until he found out that I wanted a period of separation to figure out what to do next. I’m ashamed to say me and my texting friend at one point became lovers, and the sex was so much better than it EVER had been with my ex. He just simply grew on me.There was the eye contact, conversations, hugs and kisses, doing stuff together, holding hands, everything I never experienced in my marriage. I just felt he CARED. In the meantime, there were also financial problems and I had to go on benefits and generally shoulder all responsibility for myself and the kids, which I had always done, but now my husband wasn’t even there to bring the heavy shopping home. At some point I began realizing that my lover would NEVER leave his wife for me and started pulling away from him. It was a process and took many months with him trying to hold on to me, for some reason. But now, over a year after me met, we don’t even text any more. He started withdrawing around 2 months ago and although the anxiety and grief were killing me, now I feel a sense of relief. But, the question is this: where do I even begin to try and fix myself? If I get the ebook, will it be enough to just follow through with the advice? Will it help? I’ve diagnosed myself as codependent and the men I draw as narcissistic, of course. How do I stop doing what I have been doing and start something healthier instead at my age? (I’m 43 this year). I sometimes feel like there’s no hope for me. I come from a family with a long history of weak men and overly capable women, and was also sexually abused by my stepfather since the age of 9 while my mother did nothing… I know I’ve been a control freak, but HOW do I get to drop my defenses and become vulnerable if I’ve had my trust broken so many times? Do I file for divorce? Or do I wait for him to make that decision? Was the breakup all my fault? Perhaps I should’ve relaxed and let HIM take the initiative, but when I did, NOTHING was ever happening! We ended up in a tiny rented 1 bedroom flat in the centre of London, with 2 young kids, me not working and my husband talking about retiring from his job at the age of 40. In many ways I felt like he was one of my kids and expected me to take care of him. God, so many questions.



  194.  #194Rori Raye on June 12, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    Saisa, Welcome, and tho we can help and support you here – I encourage you to either continue with your therapist, or hire one of certified coaches. They’re amazing and can help you get straight with yourself, get work you like, learn to speak clearly about who you are and what you want…everything that will help you. Love, Rori



  195.  #195Rori Raye on June 12, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    Nicole – stick to what feels good. You sound great – and please Circular Date! Love, Rori



  196.  #196Indigo on June 13, 2014 at 1:33 am

    Saisa,

    Forgive me jumping in with my perspective, but your therapist was right… You need to figure out what you DO want.

    How’s it going with that vision board that you drafted?

    Once you know where you want your life to be heading, you can start pointing yourself in that direction. It will take time and work, but your dreams for yourself are achievable.

    You sound so confused and all over the place, and so focused on the men in your life instead of doing the best possible thing for yourself. That is where true fulfillment lies – healing, growth, putting your boy energy to work taking positive action for yourself, and creating a safe space for your girl energy to feel your feelings and look for what feels good.

    Coaching is a really great idea.



  197.  #197Nicole on June 13, 2014 at 4:52 am

    Thanks so much Rori Raye! I’m dating 3 other guys at this time now. I kinda wish I knew what he was thinking and why he said that stuff.



  198.  #198Kelly Estep on June 19, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    So I have a guy I’ve dated off and on for a year…he isn’t one to always return text or calls, and when he does it’s sometimes days or a week later…he tells me he likes me, that I’m fun, but he’s not wanting a relationship with anyone, and that he rarely dates…and of course I chased him, and did all the things I’m not suppose to do…thank you Rori! But now I feel that I owe him an aplogy for some of my behavior…HELP! Should I send a letter, tell him face to face, or just not go there?
    Kelly



  199.  #199Rori Raye on June 19, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Kelly – Please, DO NOTHING!!!! (Yes, all caps yelling.) You have to start practicing. There are no reasons whatsoever to contact a man who is not doing the job of courting you. Period. If you can, check into the Rori Raye Certified Coaches (page over in the sidebar) – every one of them is amazing and will help you! Love, Rori