What To Do When He Wants You To Pay For Yourself

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The Question:

Rori, I’m following your advice to CD while still dating my ex-husband…and it really helps.

I’m happier and more content that way and he has to come to me most of the time now, because I won’t initiate contacts.

Last Monday I met this wonderful guy on my trip in a different state.

We had instant connection and had a great passionate time together.

He kept telling me how he couldn’t get enough of me and we’re now texting and talking every day, which is rare because usually the guys I date wouldn’t act this way perhaps mainly because we didn’t really click chemistry-wise.

But this one is different and it looks promising (in fact it freaks me out a bit since I’m really not over my ex-hubby).

He’s now inviting me to come to visit him again the next 2 weekends.

So he was looking for a deal, etc….and I suggested a website and a price which I thought really cheap because I paid more to get there.

And to my dismay (and nowadays I’m very sensitive to money talking), he said the deal he was looking at was half the price (about 100 bucks), so do I want to split the cost for that one?

I told him that money was a bit tight this month after this trip. So okay then, we kept looking for the best deal, and finally came up with about $230.

And again, he mentioned it again if I wanted to split the cost to which I said I wish I could. So finally he said, ok I will give you 200. Then he said, “you’re worth it.”

Well, yeah…!! Hello? :0

I’m fine with that. But this really bothers me.

What’s wrong with all these guys, do you think? Is chivalry too much to ask these days?

Honestly, it’s not the money with me…I’m quite okay to care for myself financially. It’s the fact that he has to feel like it’s a burden to pay $200 for tickets to fly the woman he claims to adore so much to be with him for 5 days (really $200 is not that much for me and in fact I will fly in a guy I adore for twice or thrice the price if not because I’m now following this new philosophy of yours)?

Am I being insensible here to feel that way?

I’m really intrigued by your bold teaching, “I don’t care what I do, I just don’t want to pay.”

Can you elaborate more and how can I apply this to men who expect we share dating costs? And how to make them see what we see without being labeled a gold digger or a free rider?

I’m sensitive to that too because I know I’m not and I have been struggling with this receiving feminine energy in the past; that’s how I ended up with “starving artists” variety in which I was in charge financially.

I came out of 2 relationships where I provided for everything my man needed and I want something different this time because I do believe now that was disruptive to the masculine-feminine energy balance.

I’m committed now to only associate with men who will woo and court me as men in old days did.

And the fact that he brought the money subject so early into our courtship took away his attraction level a notch in my eyes.

It’s such a turn off. And it’s a shame because he’s a really nice, decent guy other than that.

Do you think he’s just testing me or maybe he has money issues (he’s a single father, but he lives in a beautiful big house and according to his profile earns between 75 – 100K)?

I’m concerned now that when we’re together he would ask me to split dinner checks, etc. I just don’t want to feel lousy and have to tell him how I feel about this.

So, how do I bring this subject or should I? Or should I wait till he brought the subject again in dinner scenario, etc?

Should I explain to him the situation of my past relationships to have come to this new attitude? How can your philosophy to never pay EVER really work in real life situation?

And should things like this be a deal breaker?

One of the recent dates I had (2 days before this guy), the guy said when paying the check, “I take this one, you’re paying for the drinks later, okay?” I was like, “Sorry?” And he repeated it.

And I just wanted to go back to my hotel right after that (I didn’t out of courtesy).

Phew, there you go, I get it off my chest, Rori.

Love, “Unhappy paying Karen”

Here’s My Answer:

Karen – lots of men are like this.

You can accept it, and go along with their money plan…and just chalk it up to circular dating so you’re just experimenting and observing and going along and seeing how it feels….

Or –you can speak and say –

“I’ve noticed that I’m not feeling attracted to men where I pay for things…

I’m financially independent – so it makes sense to share, yes…but unless I’m really like…married to someone and sharing finances, without the whole “courtship” thing…I just don’t feel as turned on…

I don’t know what to do…

And I want you to know…if we’re getting to know each other…I don’t care what we do.

It doesn’t have to cost anything to be with you…we can walk, go to free concerts and events, eat at subway, market and cook together (and I’m happy to split sometimes if that makes YOU feel good…) –

…sit around watching films on Netflix…

sitting at malls and people-watching…

otherwise, it just kind of feels more like what I do with a friend…you know, we take care of ourselves…

And the taking turns – that feels even worse…it just feels icky.

So – I’m happy to negotiate, I just want to be honest and straightforward and let you know how I feel…”

Karen wrote me back:

Wow, thanks, Rori. You always have a way to put things in perspective and so succinctly!

In the past I always felt bad when I didn’t chip in, almost like because I felt insecure about my own worth.

These days I know my own worth but not quite sure on how to address this without appearing/feeling “petty.” I’m trying to apply this to my ex-husband with little success.

I have known about 2 guys – they were financially secure, btw- who were just happy to splurge on me and it felt great!

Seems like it’s no longer the norm to expect that now that I’m back in the dating scene.

Why can’t guys see how important first impression is for us women when it comes to money matters and perception of generosity?

Thanks again…

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