What To Do When He’s Talking And Writing To Other Women…And Lying To You

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halloween-200Here’s a letter that hit me so powerfully, I wrote up a storm about it:

“Hi ladies… this is completely off topic but I wanted to post on the most recent article so my comment would be seen. I am completely lost and heartbroken, I don’t know where to turn. I just recently found out that my fiancé, a man I have been dating for 5 years, is interacting with women from craigslist and online dating sites.

I found an email account I didn’t recognize on our internet history and found several emails he had sent to women under a fake name. I was completely freaked out and.. I know this is bad… I changed the password to the account so that I could see what other emails would come in.

I confronted him about the account and he lied and said it was form a long time ago and he just got bored and sent a few emails out to see what would happen.

Well, I went back to the account and did some digging found the dates it had been accessed (every single day for the past two months), how many emails had been sent (over 50), and I was also able to retrieve numerous email addresses.

I confronted him about all of this again and he admitted to contacting numerous women and that he was already feeling bad and planned to delete the account. but he SWORE that was all that happened.
I just didn’t feel like I was getting the truth so I reached out to all the women I had emails for and told them my situation in a calm, respectful way and I asked that if they felt like I needed to know anything that they could reach back out to me- otherwise they didn’t need to respond.

Several women responded… all saying they had never met up with him in person but that sexual emails, pictures and phone calls were exchanged. One girl even forwarded me the emails where he had said he had ran out of minutes on his pre-paid phone.

This sent me over the edge and I confronted him AGAIN and he finally admitted to having a second phone but that he “only txted one or two girls” and when I asked to see it he said he threw it away after I found out because he was angry at himself.

I’m in WAY over my head here… I don’t know how to handle this situation. I can’t stand the secrets and the lying. I feel like he is only telling me the truth once I present him with evidence, so who knows what else has happened. I feel completely blindsided, we were in love and happy. We have a great relationship, we travel and do fun things together. He is so good to me… well I guess I thought he was.

We are both young and attractive and educated. I don’t understand the craigslist thing… why not go out in person and cheat on me?

I don’t know.. I just feel like I’m not getting the full extent of this issue and how deep his gone into it, how long its gone on. I don’t know whether its a problem he has that will never go away or whether its just him being a guy and pushing the boundaries on a “pornish” experience.

He is absolutely devastated since I’ve confronted him… won’t come out of his bedroom and crying all the time saying he’s so down on himself and hates that he hurt me. He just keeps swearing none of it meant anything.

What is going on here? Is he being genuine? Was he really never intending to physically interact with these women?

The trust feels broken. I love him but I can’t understand any of this. I cannot live with continuing this relationship if 10 yrs down the road I will find something like this again.

Any advice? Jen”

My Answer:

Jen – Welcome, and here’s my advice (after hugging you hard…):

1. To me, as I am and feel now, and as you describe this man, I wouldn’t want to go on dating him.  Not any more. Once I’d been lied to (in what, to me, would be an enormous way) – that would be it.

AND… to you, and to many, many women out there (and perhaps to me, at a different time and place) – this could be WAY FIXABLE!

It’s all about what YOU want, how you feel, what kind of character flaws in a man you’re willing to tolerate.

* (I personally believe that I would have stayed married to Bill Clinton, just as Hillary did, those many years ago – but we’re talking the President of the United States, and one of the most powerful (and, to me, handsome, charismatic and sexy) men there has ever been in the world…

* But would I stay married to a “regular” guy, and work on the “problems” just because I “loved” him and was afraid to go off on my own and start over?

Probably yes – if I were married to him.

* Would I stay “dating” a man and work on the “problems” (even if we were “engaged”) under these circumstances?

Maybe.

Probably not. 

I’m just not the “rockstar” kind of woman who could be okay with this – and yet, many women ARE!

If I were feeling sort of “open” and wanted to experiment myself, and wanted some leeway to hang out with other men and STILL date this one – perhaps I’d jump at this chance.

If I really believed anyone could “change” so suddenly and completely, and simply “no longer need” variety in women and the excitement of lying and cheating in this way – I might give the man and myself another three to six months and see how I felt.

***AND – I do not believe that kind of change is possible without serious intervention, desire, and support. To me – it would be like taking back an alcoholic or drug addict and not requiring he go to AA or NA and “Recovery” therapy – forever.

And what program, is there, exactly, out there for this kind of thing? I’m not sure.

It’s not yet “sex addiction” – but it’s still a “compulsion.”

I do know I sure wouldn’t expect he’d “change” all by himself.

2. “Dating” a man for five years is just that.

A man who wants marriage, commitment, family – gets married.

He begs you to marry him.

He is faithful, because that’s ALL he KNOWS.

This kind of man may seem boring to you at first – but that’s what you want to start with – a man who’s true blue and wants you.

(And I realize this man seemed like all that to you all these five years, and yet, your reference to “his bedroom” says otherwise. If you’d said: “his office/study” in the home you share, it would have sounded different.)

3. NOW – the cheating and lying and his compulsion to do all this in spite of wanting you MORE than he wants these other things – is just part of what your energy field and your mind says is TOLERABLE.

And we all have different limits of tolerability.

Everyone has to give up something sometime, in order to get other things.

Everyone makes choices that come with strings.

You can buy the blue dress, the red dress, the pink dress – and, yet, you can only wear one dress to the “ball.” The others stay in the closet.

Marriage means you get your sexual life satisfied with only one person (if that’s your agreement). It’s not an easy agreement – and yet, the intensity of intimacy it can create is worth what you give up.

Or – it isn’t.

You can no longer wear ANY of the other ball gowns in your closet! You can’t even SHOP for them anymore!

Lying has an energy signature. Just like all emotions, actions, thoughts.

There is no blame or villain here. I’m not saying you’re responsible for “missing” what was going on here – but I’m asking you to take responsibility for missing it anyway.  It’s the best way for you to heal this, whatever you choose to do.

I want you to ask yourself:

Where am I lying to and cheating MYSELF?

When we lie to ourselves about stuff (seemingly tiny, non-important stuff usually) – that’s when we “miss” what’s going on around us.

When we cheat on ourselves by not noticing how we’re feeling, that’s when we “miss” what’s important to us.

4. What to do now:

I’m not saying we cannot all be fooled – or, on the other side – that what this man has done is so horrible.

This level of fooling isn’t really “cheating” in the sense that there’s no actual relationship with any other woman going on – but it qualifies as lying.

Because nothing physical has occurred (likely he’s never even met these women) – for SOME women – this would be tolerable.

It might even be MORE tolerable if it were out in the OPEN! And – if that’s YOU – GO FOR IT!!! Tell him it’s all okay, and you just need to have it all out in the open, and you won’t ask questions.

And all this is a mental exercise. A discussion. When the only thing to consider here is this:

Is that you? Is this what YOU want?

Some women may be fine with it.

Are YOU? 

I would NEVER bebecause that’s me.

I need singular attention, and, truly, I’m not good at sharing.

I never have been good at sharing – not even about “things” – so I’m not likely to ever be good at sharing my man.

Even though this wasn’t exactly “sharing” – if this were me, I’d dump this man so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him, and I’d NEVER CONSIDER taking him back (as the song says).

And Never is a long time. So let’s say: Unless and until he got this “compulsion thing” fixed – by himself – and I had professional and documented proof of it, and I wasn’t already with another man – and I was still attracted to him as a person.

A lot of “ifs.”

What would I do instead?

I’d go out, lonely, feeling lousy, do what everyone on this blog says to do, get online dating, get gorgeous, get out, and start Circular Dating like mad until I’d healed and started to surround myself with good men, and start to see how all of this lying, secretive behavior of his over five years went unnoticed by me somehow.

I’d discover, man by man, what it was about this secretiveness and inner compulsion that attracted me.

And I’d be honest with myself…

Do I really care all that much about this kind of thing? Do I really care if my man goes to strip clubs or watches porn, or writes other women, or sends naked photos of himself to them? Do I really care if he frequents prostitutes, or has women in other cities as he travels, or an ex he’s overly fond of?

How much do I care? And if I DO really care, what am I willing to do and not do in order to not be with a man who likes to do these things?

And at the core of this is: What do you do while you’re figuring things out?

I would be out Circular Dating, volunteering, treating myself with loving care and revving up my career.

A man like the one Jen describes here would SO turn me off that I can’t imagine ever wanting to touch him again. I’d be gone.

What would you be doing?

Love, Rori

424 Comments

  1.  #1Sirana on November 1, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Please help – I want to send the following email to my husband. It is the truth and something I have not said to him like this. I worry though that telling him this may end any future we have. I will give a quick background and then I would really appreciate any feedback.
    Quick background – Husband is very angry that I defended my dad in an argument between the two of them. He feels our relationship was based on us always backing each other no matter what and this was “as bad as cheating”. He says he wants to stay together for the kids. He will never love me the way he used to.
    I want to send this:
    I know you don’t want to talk about this anymore but I have to tell you this. I have been asking myself over and over why I would not immediately defend you and stand by your side without question like I use to. In the old days, this would not have happened. I kept thinking I just played the cards wrong. Trying to keep the peace between two people. But the truth is, which you already know, it shouldn’t have ever been about keeping peace. I should have been mad immediately at my dad for upsetting you and immediately called him to say what the hell. But I didn’t do that. Instead I actually argued with you that night. I agree that says a lot.. When this happened, I didn’t feel even close to the connected ride or die team that we once were. In fact, I felt angry and jaded with you. It felt like it was one more thing. I hadn’t felt like we were on the same team in many years. It use to feel like you and me against the world. In those days, I would have immediately stood up for you. When this happened, we were far from that. Last night you said we were built on you standing up for me and protecting me against my family. Now that was gone what did I need you for. Yes that what important to me but not the main thing I needed from you and what made me fall in love with you. What I always needed from you was to feel SECURE in your love for me. NOONE had ever done that for me. EVERYONE in my life (including my dad) had shown me love and then left. You immediately made me feel secure and safe and loved forever. Every day that went by you convinced me more and more that I could trust you. That you wouldn’t leave me. That you loved me and we would be together forever. From the very first time in the apartment after we had Lilly you started taking that away from me. The emotional security I needed you to provide was rocked over and over and over again so many times I can’t count. I know in the moment you felt that way but you took away that core we had everytime you told me you wanted out. I know many times you did this in reaction to my behaviors. I know I am far from innocent. But I could have taken anything else. The fact that you would pull away from me and discuss divorce so often broke me. Even while I was pregnant with Lauren you did this to me. You took all my security away and that was the main thing I NEEDED from you. 6 months after we had Lauren this thing with my Dad happened. Nothing in our past would lead us to believe that I would feel that ride or die team we once had. I felt like I was living a very unstable life. I was constantly trying to make YOU the ONE person I trusted the most to love me. If I could take it back and handle the situation the right way with my Dad, I would in a heart beat. But I can’t and I think it is only fair that you understand why.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 1, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Sirana I responded on the other thread



  3.  #3Zara on November 1, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Lovely article.
    Respectful of each woman’s world, and yet clear on where the writer (Rori) stands in her personal life. A delicate work of lace, as usual.

    xxx



  4.  #4Femininewoman on November 1, 2013 at 8:21 am

    I can only hope that I would have the strength to walk away from a man and a situation like this. This is too much energy and stress to be searching for evidence. Peace is important to and I cannot see myself having peace in such an environment.



  5.  #5Femininewoman on November 1, 2013 at 8:23 am

    It reminds of the Sex and the City episode where Samantha was with the guy who was sleeping around. She seemed to have finally fallen in love but couldn’t trust him. She caught him in the midst of the act with another woman. Told him her heart couldn’t handle the stress and walked out on him shouting at her that “it is only sex”.

    I hope I have the courage to accept a man for who he is.



  6.  #6Dominique on November 1, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Sirana – I answered you as well on the last thread.

    xxoo



  7.  #7Cris on November 1, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Sorry but I don’t understand why so many confrontations and checkings… for me, the 1st one should have been enough… thank you for making me think that the important thing in a relationship is that it is true, even if it is not “perfectly romantic”.



  8.  #8sequoia on November 1, 2013 at 11:35 am

    this triggered me a lot. I was on the other end. Was contacted by a man online, he sent me a full on first mail sharing how attracted he feels from my profile and my pics. We met and I liked him from the first date. On the second date he asked me about my past relationships and when I asked him he told me of a past relationship, which I assumed was his last. Than on the 4th date when we had already kissed and I had grown fond of him he told me he just moved out of his ex girl friends flat after our second date and finished the relationship with her, as he had fallen in love with me. I was in such a shock, as I assumed he was single. And felt very dissapointed but also didn’t want to feel that way as I really liked him.

    It was than when I made the huge mistake not really talking about this – I expressed that I felt shocked but that was it. I should have taken a huge, ten huge steps back.

    Obiously the ex wasn’t gone and during the time we were together he always seemed to put her feelings first. We had discussions about it but still I had not the strength to make a cut as I was afraid of loosing him. I still feel sad and dissapointed with myself that I wasn’t able to do this and didn’t care of myself.

    Than it all finaly blew appart when his ex got together with someone new. He than suddenly realised that he is still in love with her. I felt so disgusted by him and we had a huge row.

    THe sad thing is that I still feel very hurt by the whole thing even so month have past. I cut the contact and my heart still hurts. I have very mixed feelings about him, one day I seem to be over it, the next day I miss him, than I hate him. I did online dating for some month but stopped as I feel a lot of anger still and a lot of mistrust towards man.

    the hardest part was feeling deceived and lied to. And I can also see were I deceived myself. I should have taken super super slowly when he told me about his ex and that he just moved out and I should have stopped seeing him once I found out that he is still going on day trips with his ex. But I wasn’t strong enough. I hope I learned the lesson for ever.



  9.  #9Mercedes on November 1, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Wow! This was exactly what I did in this situation. I had no idea that eventually we would both end up changing so, so much. My advice is exactly the same as Rori’s:

    “if this were me, I’d dump this man so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him, and I’d NEVER CONSIDER taking him back (as the song says).

    And Never is a long time. So let’s say: Unless and until he got this “compulsion thing” fixed – by himself – and I had professional and documented proof of it, and I wasn’t already with another man – and I was still attracted to him as a person.

    A lot of “ifs.”

    What would I do instead?

    I’d go out, lonely, feeling lousy, do what everyone on this blog says to do, get online dating, get gorgeous, get out, and start Circular Dating like mad until I’d healed and started to surround myself with good men, and start to see how all of this lying, secretive behavior of his over five years went unnoticed by me somehow.”

    Yup…my advice is to get out now…run as far away as possible. Live your own life and let him live his. See where you can take yourself and see just how happy you can be.

    (And on a side note: It will be very, very hard to follow that advice. If you choose to stay with him though…he’ll know you’re okay with that kind of behavior)

    Wow…this was just heartbreaking for me to read…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10Indigo on November 1, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Mercedes,

    I LOVE what you wrote about not doing. It is exactly the theme and the lesson of my life at the moment. I love that you put it into words like that.

    All we have is this moment.

    When we don’t do, everything flows into our life beautifully.

    xx



  11.  #11Indigo on November 1, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    As far as this post, I agree with Rori.

    My first thought when I read this story is that these two people have been dating, at best. This is not a long-term committed relationship that is headed for a solid marriage.

    I think it’s time this woman assessed exactly what her relationship is, and started acting accordingly.

    I’m not sure what I would have done 5 or 10 years ago, but where I am today I would leave this man behind, mourn the relationship and start the business of living my life and getting happy again. If he wants to be with her, he knows what he needs to do. I agree with Mercedes, staying in this situation will just send the message that the behavior is ok, and I think the snooping you would find yourself doing would make you feel like you were crazy.



  12.  #12Zara on November 1, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Sirana

    ***** Last night you said we were built on you standing up for me and protecting me against my family.Now that was gone what did I need you for. ****
    ***** I should have been mad immediately at my dad for upsetting you and immediately called him to say what the hell. But I didn’t do that. Instead I actually argued with you that night. I agree that says a lot.. When this happened, I didn’t feel even close to the connected ride or die team that we once were. In fact, I felt angry and jaded with you. It felt like it was one more thing. I hadn’t felt like we were on the same team in many years. It use to feel like you and me against the world. In those days, I would have immediately stood up for you. When this happened, we were far from that. *****

    I use my husband as a sword to fight against my family. Then, when I feel resentful to my husband, I abandon him and I stand by my father. I turn the table around. I am now using my father as a sword to get even with my husband.

    My husband must be like…. “Huh? I thought her father was the bad man to kill, why is she even taking his side?”

    That is all my husband knows from me. I use people to fight people. I give people the role of the sword as it suits me; there is no fight my husband can fight for me that will assure him my loyalty to him. Whenever I feel upset at him, he is left alone fighting my “enemies” in the middle of my own war. I even help them, shooting my own ammunition against him. I can see why the husband feels unsafe with me.

    _______________________________

    “Husband, I feel sad and upset at myself for dragging you in the first place in my struggles with my family. I appreciate your intention; I felt in love with your intention to protect me and stand by my side for life. I love you. You are my heroe.

    I see today where it went wrong, though. I do need your protection and love in the world, but I don’t need protection from my family.
    I can talk to them myself or walk away. As I grow up I learn to deal with my feelings around my family and so do they. Or I can walk away from them. Whichever, but a family is something one has to manage from inside oneself. It was unfair of me to let you fight my fights against them. It ruined your chances at having a good relationship man to man with my Dad. Now that my family and I are getting better at relating to each other, you are left like the outsider who fought against them and logically you resent each other. I feel sorry for the mess. I can see why you might resent me as well.

    Can we start afresh?
    I would feel good and safe if we each owned our personal relationship with the members of our families. Regardless what anybody says to anybody, we can own our words and our reactions, and not expect the other to take side.

    I would feel safer if I could let you disagree with my Dad without having to get involved in the conversation; sometimes it just is personal between you two. I see it as two men I love, doing their best to find space for each other. I would love to honour you by not interfering in your relationship with your father in law.
    And it would feel fair if you would let me disagree with my dad without getting involved. Sometimes, it just is something that comes from so far back, and so deep inside, it is better to let us deal it our way. Knowing you love me and we will go back together to our home after the conversation with my father, no matter the outcome of the conversation, is more than enough. It gives me the strength to stand up for myself and to keep learning how to talk to the family. Just you driving back home with me and loving me, no matter what my father and I said in a fight, means the world to me. Just you keeping on building our love nest with our children, no matter if you had a fight with my father, no matter what my father says to you or me, that’s how you can take my side and protect me in the world.

    I feel sorry I was blind to what I was doing. I don’t want you to protect me from my family, I want you to protect me IN the world while we deal with our families as well as we can.

    I would love for each of us to experiment with owning our relationship with the world and share with each other the best of it.

    What do you think?”

    ______________________________

    xxx



  13.  #13Lisa on November 1, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    For whoever ask for the video where Tony Robbins turns a man around in 15 mins…

    http://www.robbinsmadanestraining.com/landing-site/pages/cert/index.php?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=N._America_Display_-_Image&adgroup=Anthony_Robbins&network=d&device=c&aw_key=tony+robbins&matchtype&creative=33918093589&gclid=CPvU7arf2LkCFQ-g4Aodw0gAiA

    I really love how he says what women need.. I got chills… and I love to watch this video over and over again… it is what I want…

    in the end of the video it is just wonderful…

    OXOXO



  14.  #14Linda G on November 1, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    What Iike a out Rori’s response is the motion that depending on the type of girl you are, what you can tolerate, require, how you want to live, determines the parameters of the relationship. You get to direct your story your way.

    I have never been easy with sharing, when in a relationship, I need to be the focus. Until now, I felt it was because I am insecure. Now I realize, it’s my choice and it’s ok



  15.  #15Laura on November 1, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I just want to know how to ask Rori a question….how do I do that?



  16.  #16Lisa on November 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I stayed in tonight and I didn’t make plans all weekend… that feels good…

    Staying with me… and being curioius about me.. feels better than sitting with someone that is trying to please me to get me…

    I can tell when a man is trying to bend his views to get me… to go out with him again…

    I notice things about me…

    tonight I felt good getting things done… breathing deeply… makes me feel warm and fuzzy…

    I feel good about the fact that listening to Charles Orlando that I’ve honed in on the red flags and even before reading or listening to a coach…

    If a man doesn’t spend any time planning a date… it gives me a big signal that he either doesn’t feel I’m worth it, or just is lazy and don’t put effort into much of his relationships… either way… I’m getting very tired of dating men in this area, that haven’t a clue to plan a date, or puts very little effort into it… I got their number…

    feel me out, then decide to take me to dinner, and then feel that out to see about more… they leave things vague…

    I hear men talk… and I know ( at least some men) how they do things…

    so, no effort, no dates…

    my tolerance is getting lower….. as I realize that men really don’t need a break… they need to just have a clear signal what is acceptable and what isn’t.

    I’ve decided I don’t want to go out with “G2” again, he drinks daily… deal breaker, c’d or not… I just don’t want to waste my time on something that isn’t going to go anywhere… and he kept probing me for my last name, and what kind of car I drive, even after we spoke about it… and I ask him in a nice way if it was a social economics thing…. and still even at the last moment of trying to say goodnight he tried again, what’s your last name….. what kind of car do you drive… ( oh and earlier on the date he told me he had more money than he could ever spend and that his daughter would never do without..Ok I don’t care how much money he has…why do that tell you that?)

    I don’t give my last name out until the 3rd date or more…

    dating coach said to be aware of wealthy men doing things like that… it’s a sign…. I agree

    “M” did that later on in the relationship.. they think that they are being covert and you won’t know that they are probing for info so they can analyze your status financially… I’ve dating so many men with money, I pick up on it right away…

    “M” ask if he could go through my recyclables… I have a feeling he did ( he was telling on himself) it when I wasn’t home… and he bit my pearls to see if they were real, looked in my jewelry box… and ask my jeweler if my bracelet was really ivory… GEEZ…

    I’m focusing on me… and letting these wealthy men go… I don’t need that.. crap!

    When a man shows up that is more interested in how honest, loyal, interesting and loving I am, instead of what kind of car I drive, how valuable my jewelry is, and what my house looks like… then I’ll give him my attention… until then I’m not interested…

    OXOXOX



  17.  #17Lucy W on November 1, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Rori, I have never posted, but bought your book. I am devastated right now and need your help. I have been seeing my man 8 months. We were broken up for 2 for an ongoing problem. We are not kids. He is almost 58, and I am 61! My pain now feels just as bad as when I was a teenager. Since our first date, we have been together every weekend. He has acted in every way like a committed boyfriend, but his words never matched up. He said he had a phobia about saying the word love because he had said it so many times before and the relationships ended. This went on for a while. Recently he said he was able to say he loved me. He is very analytical and formal. Think of Mr. Spock in a relationship. I had told him I loved him first. We have been getting closer. When we broke up before, It was because we out of the blue started having what he calls a “serious talk about our relationship”. He told me he had feelings for me, but they were not as strong as my feelings for him. He described them as kind of lukewarm. This was heartbreaking to me. We had been broken up about a month when I had a bad night and drunk texted him, telling him that I was dating (I was) with men who wanted to love me, but I still missed him and thought about him. Of course I regretted it the next morning and was sure he would just ignore it. But, he didn’t. He said he missed me too and thought of me. At my insistence, we didn’t see each other for a while, but talked and texted. It was very sweet. Since we got back together I’ve felt we were getting closer. He started staying over 2 nights, leaving a few items of clothing etc. (typical first steps). That is when I started asking him for some kind of indication of my status in the relationship. This led to many more talks (He will talk and talk and talk about relationships, etc. Does not avoid these conversations) But he is also always brutally honest. One day he was even talking about a possible marriage. Then we had another talk and he said he was unsure of himself and undecided. This led to tonight’s talk when he said he just couldn’t make a committment because he feared another relationship that would not work (he had 2 failed marriages, and several women who have rejected him. He says he loves me, but love is not enough. He just can’t commit to me now. He said he will be able to make a decision, but he doesn’t know when. I’m 61–can’t wait forever! I am committed to finding the close relationship you describe in your book. We could probably go on playing house on the weekends indefinitely, but this doesn’t make me happy because it doesn’t progress. I don’t want to live alone. after telling me all this crap, he says he still wants to see me, doesn’t want to break up (He broke up with me the last time). He has talked about seeing a therapist with me and maybe also without me on his own to work on his “gun-shy” problem. I am devastated and hurt. I fear this will go on and on, and every few months we’ll have the same conversation. On the outside, it looks like we are a completely committed couple. But to me, it is a sham. Please advise. I feel like I should really just break up with him, because I am not happy and won’t be unless he’s able to be “all in”. Help!



  18.  #18Tereana on November 1, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    Ah…I took a mini break from the blog and I’ve been busy. As I’ve alluded to before, I’ve decided to make a major change in my life. And it’s a change that, just a few years back, I wouldn’t have even considered making. But now it just makes sense.

    And I feel good about it.

    There is a man here I’m leaving behind. There are a lot of men I’m leaving behind. This man has a special resonance for me, and I can’t quite explain it, or justify it. But I also really can’t pursue or hope for a relationship with him, because he’s already proclaimed to not want the same things that I want.

    But I’m trusting myself on this. I want what I want, and he doesn’t have to want those same things. But I get to choose. I get to choose how to be in relationship. And if it’s not the full expression of the relationship that I want, then I don’t have to “settle.” Even temporarily. And this feels good : )

    Because he’s out of town, we might not even get to say good bye. But that feels fine, too. I don’t want a messy goodbye. I would like to just move on and go forward with my life, toward what I want.

    It all feels really, really good right now. This was a good place for me to be, to heal and recover. Now I’m ready to get back to “what’s real.” I don’t even want to “play around” for one more night before I leave. That would be a tease.

    No. I want the good stuff. And when something is good and turns me on (like he does), then I want it all the time, not just once. So I’ll wait. If he’s not the man for me, fine. But I trust that, whatever happens will be for the best…

    This is exciting!



  19.  #19Tereana on November 1, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Oh, and I think Rori was overly generous when she suggested it might be an okay idea to stay with the guy (in the post above). Yuck. No. I mean, I agree with her first instinct – to leave. To me, that makes the most sense. Because the only reason to stay would be if you are totally okay with all of his contacting other women, and then lying about it. But this woman is very hurt by his actions. The best way she can communicate this is by simply removing herself from the situation. But not like a “I’m going away and I’m going to shut the door forever” kind of move. But like an “I’m hurt and I’m going to go spend time by myself and keep my heart open” kind of moving away.

    They were engaged. That means something more than just “dating.” It means there was a real commitment there. And the man needs to consider what that commitment means to him. The woman does not need to think about what she did to “bring this on herself.” She just needs to step away so that he can decide – is it really important to him to be able to contact all those women on Craigslist, etc? Is that what “freedom” means to him? Or would he rather have this woman in his life?

    If he decides the latter, then she can be open, but he should have to work hard to win her back. Not just say that he’ll “never do it again.” But woo her and be extra open with her, and confess everything.

    And if he can’t do that, then…she’ll already be CD-ing and meeting someone else by that time. She’ll probably have forgotten all about him.

    Those are my thoughts on the situation



  20.  #20Tereana on November 1, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    I am proud of myself for *not* emailing the man. I mean, we were writing back and forth. I sent the last email and no response yet. There are some things I want to say to clarify my message, but I’m giving him a chance ton respond (or not) first. I hope that’s a good idea. I felt like I was a little not-clear on some issues. But on the other hand, if it doesn’t come up, it’s no really worth making an issue out of. Anyway I have enough things to take care of….

    Xoxo me : )



  21.  #21Indigo on November 2, 2013 at 12:31 am

    Lisa,

    Something I was wondering about when reading your post… have you thought about what flaws you would be able to tolerate or live with in a man? I have found this a very enlightening way to approach this.

    Since we all have flaws, thinking about what flaws in another person you’d be able to let go. What “imperfections” of character do you think might actually suit you?

    For example, it doesn’t bother me if a guy is somewhat messy, as long as they get a maid in from time to time. Swearing doesn’t bother me. Lack of traditional romanticness doesn’t bother me. Extreme independence, a deal-breaker for many women, actually suits me and is quite comfortable for me. These are just examples of things I thought might bother me, but when it came down to it, they weren’t really that big of a deal.

    I find it’s nice to think of a guy’s “flaws” that way. Could I really not live with it? Is it an absolute deal-breaker? Would I be willing to experiment and see how I feel with it?

    Just a thought 🙂 xxx



  22.  #22Femininewoman on November 2, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Very interesting picture Rori chose to attach with this article



  23.  #23Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 7:27 am

    I like what Lisa says, “I realize that men really don’t need a break… they need to just have a clear signal what is acceptable and what isn’t”

    I also don’t like questions about money, it’s tacky, rude in any social situation. I have had guys ask what part of town I live in, do I own my own house, what do I do for money…
    Some I feel want a girl with money, some are afraid I might want theirs.



  24.  #24Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 7:28 am

    FW, just noticed the picture. For me, she doesn’t know who she is, or needs to reveal who she really is



  25.  #25Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Indigo, it’s knowing what your core needs are, I guess



  26.  #26Zara on November 2, 2013 at 7:47 am

    12 Zara

    ***** I see today where it went wrong, though. I do need your protection and love in the world, but I don’t need protection from my family. *****

    I meant to write «against my family » instead of «from my family »

    xxx



  27.  #27Femininewoman on November 2, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Linda G – I find the mask and the image of a woman hiding behind the mask intriguing. In my mind it is a woman hiding from herself, from her truth.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on November 2, 2013 at 7:59 am

    The woman looks sad and her vibe is sad. Yet behind a mask we feel powerful enough to hide our true selves and feelings.



  29.  #29Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Agreed, she is me



  30.  #30Indigo on November 2, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Linda G,

    Yes, agreed 100%.



  31.  #31Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I have decided (maybe) to email my speech to the guy I just stopped dating, just to speak my truth. I struggle so with this with everyone on a daily basis



  32.  #32Lisa on November 2, 2013 at 9:05 am

    @ Indigo <3 yes, I know what flaws I can live with, messy, swearing, looking at other women ( I do it too) as long as it isn't like staring at them and I don't mind if they are late if it isn't like really late and all the time, I don't mind if they fart in front of me, pee in front of me, leave the toilet seat up… I have more that I can live with…

    but this isn't about flaws this is about a wealthy man trying to figure out my financial worth covertly to see "if I'm gf material"… and doing a very poor job of it… digging through my recyclables to find out info isn't something light that is just down right invasive and disrespectful. In my opinion.

    @ Linda G I know I get those questions too and it feels icky and yes, it does feel like they are afraid I want their money… which tells me lack of boundaries and insecurity. Or they need to keep up a social status facade.

    See it tells me that they are more interested in what I have, how much, and what social circle I'm in, rather than WHO I am.

    OXOXOX



  33.  #33Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I never continue with guys who question my finances. I would never ask theirs!
    Anybody who goes through my rubbish, recyclables or not is , dare I say it, nuts!



  34.  #34Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 9:13 am

    I need to get a hold of myself and stop losing my cool when a guy who I think is really “a catch” contacts me



  35.  #35Indigo on November 2, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Lisa,

    Yes, absolutely.

    I find people who are overly concerned with money to be an absolute turn-off for me.

    x



  36.  #36Lisa on November 2, 2013 at 9:46 am

    @ Indigo Yes! me too! <3

    @ LindaG I agree! <3

    XO



  37.  #37Lisa on November 2, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I feel so alive in the autumn…. something the crisp air does to me… I feel vibrant and happy! I love to see the fall colors and smell the hint of dry leaves and hear the crunch of leaves under my feet…. I feel so stimulated and yet so calm and peaceful in the Autumn…

    Just thought I’d share….

    OXO



  38.  #38Liquid Light on November 2, 2013 at 11:13 am

    I had another date last night, first time we met each other. Nice guy and smart. I’m just not feeling very much enthusiasm for anyone though and that bums me out. I keep finding their flaws and of course no one compares to my ex in terms of fun, excitement, wining and dining me, living the good life, etc. I feel like I’m doomed to be with someone who is either not that exciting or end up having a more sexual relationship with someone I have a lot of chemistry with. Sigh.



  39.  #39Lisa on November 2, 2013 at 11:25 am

    @Liquid Light <3

    I loved this video b/c it really speaks what I do when dating…

    I love how he is to the point, direct!

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/understand-men-videos/is-your-boyfriend-falling-in-love/

    OXOX



  40.  #40Luzydel on November 2, 2013 at 11:26 am

    This is an article directed to men; and the playing game culture… Love it!

    http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-dismal-state-of-flirting-alroy/comment-page-1/#comment-667963



  41.  #41Olivia on November 2, 2013 at 11:28 am

    @Sirana –
    Sending some encouragement and positive vibes your way.
    I would advocate wholeheartedly following Rori’s rules from the e-book and experimenting and seeing how you feel. Give yourself say three months of practicing the rules and then re-assess? See what happens. I’d wager it will be DRAMATIC.
    My sense is that the letter you wrote and shared is old stuff that will not move anything forward.
    In his letter to you (which you posted on the last thread) It sounds to me like he has a grain of hope that things can be better and he also has nostalgia for the old romantic times. And that is A LOT to work with.
    Also be kind to yourself – it sounds like you went through family neglect and abuse. It’s not too late to heal from those experiences and so much love will come into your life once you do. It did for me!
    Hugs!



  42.  #42Indigo on November 2, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Sirana,

    When I read the e-mail that you want to send to your husband, I could feel the rawness of your emotions, yet I couldn’t help sensing that it would push him away, make him feel like he’s failed you.

    Is there any way you could create the safety in your relationship that would allow him to come close to you again?

    Perhaps some healing activities – a period of reflection where you don’t argue, perhaps don’t even talk much. Really feel where each of you are, and very slowly build that feeling of safety and security back up again.

    I don’t know why, but it just feels to me like dredging all that stuff up again might not do you a lot of good.

    xx



  43.  #43Luzydel on November 2, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Today and lately I was just thinking… what crossed my mind after browsing blurry pictures on POF was that if we all really wanted to have a good healthy relationship, we could have it.

    I have to admit that the reason I have not yet found the relationship I want is because I have not yet really wanted it.



  44.  #44Zara on November 2, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Femininewoman 20

    Your comment reminds me of the halloween article
    ***** let’s make this Halloween about taking off the masks*****

    xxx



  45.  #45Zara on November 2, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    He’s Not My Business
    Written by Rori Raye
    Friday, 30 October 2009

    Halloween has always been one of my favorite – perhaps my actual favorite – holidays. I just find it such a combination of fun, scary, pretend, meaningful, going outside your comfort zone, parties that don’t have family significance, neighborhood, childhood, being a mom with a flashlight, candy I can’t eat but can collect and touch, carnivals, dress up, touching my inner “stranger.”

    This is one of my traditional Halloween essays…let’s make this Halloween about taking off the masks…

    Some days, it’s always Halloween.

    It seems so much easier to stay hidden behind a mask. If I’m feeling grumpy, or ugly, or awkward or nervous, or really, really angry, or really, really embarrassed, I’d like to keep it to myself.

    No one wants to see that, not even me. I’m much too strong for that, much too organized, smart, capable and high on the consciousness scale to go there, into Ickyfeelingsland. I’ll keep it to myself.

    And the playing pieces — the red and blue wooden ones and the plastic houses and fake money all just keeping jumping around inside me in their own little world. Little do I know you can all see the action anyway.

    If I’m angry, you can see it. If I’m upset, you can feel it. If I put a big smile on my face but you can actually feel my anger, yeah, you may think I’m a wondrously complex human being — but our relationship will suffer.

    Carol Pearson, in her book The Hero Within, says “Being ladylike or gentlemanly and denying one’s anger simply results in the unconscious sabotage of relationships. Expressing one’s anger is transformative because it allows for a true and open, honest relationship. It makes way, therefore, for love.”

    We have so many reasons for not expressing our feelings openly and in the moment: It’s not appropriate. I’m wrong about it. What I’m feeling is so childish. I’ve done much too much work on myself to be feeling like this. They all boil down to fear.

    Fear of retribution — He’ll get mad at me. Fear of what will happen — He’ll leave me. Fear of what he’ll think of us — He already thinks I’m a drama queen, now he’ll think I’m needy.

    Yep, we don’t know what’ll happen. The risks, however, of speaking our feelings in bits and pieces and in words men can hear are minuscule compared to the risks of not speaking our feelings.

    When we stuff them in, hold them down, try to refashion them through affirmations or being “our best selves,” we may think we’re being successful at it, but sooner or later one or all of three things will happen:

    One, the pressure and energy will build up until it explodes and you come out swinging, screaming, crying, attacking, throwing things, slamming doors, pleading, apologizing, cowering, melting down, folding up, giving up and giving in. A relationship in which this goes on all the time is not fun for anybody in it.

    Two, the pressure and energy will be ignored and allowed to build up until it explodes inside you and you get depressed or sick. A relationship in which this happens may seem safe, because everyone here avoids real connection and real love, but it doesn’t feel very good.

    Three, you are able to hold in, cover up, and transform the pressure and energy until you become locked into a personality and state of being that is not your own. Everything may seem okay here until you get a glimpse that you’re living someone else’s life – and the way back to yourself seems overwhelming.

    In Rori Raye terms, Saying how you feel in the moment is taking care of yourself and your relationships in the best way possible. Every time you say only “I feel disconnected,” or “I feel sad,” or “I feel soooo goood!” and then let your man come up with the next sentence, you are creating alchemy. Magic happens inside your body. The energy that’s been built up trying to keep the feeling hidden suddenly is released.

    Both the feeling and the energy fighting it suddenly start flowing through you and become a part of you. It’s like reclaiming lost energy. Like reclaiming lost bits of ourselves. Like turning hay into gold.

    The more we reclaim, the more we change and grow. We become new people – chemically. Our relationships are the culture, the medium in which we can grow ourselves. Staying frozen in the patterns of behavior we’ve known since childhood, even if our thinking and philosophies have changed and expanded, is still staying frozen.

    Devoting our lives to constantly tracking, guessing, analyzing, measuring, trying to change what’s going on in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies is a sad waste of our considerable, wonderful energies. Making him our project is us dismissing who we are — as if who we are is helplessly linked to who he is.

    How much more fun and satisfying it would be to like what we like and just simply not like what we don’t like. To love ourselves for who we are — even if we’re not quite sure at any given moment who that is — Halloween mask and all.

    It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for. It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.

    Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.

    Love, Rori



  46.  #46Linda G on November 2, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    This is me:


    Three, you are able to hold in, cover up, and transform the pressure and energy until you become locked into a personality and state of being that is not your own. Everything may seem okay here until you get a glimpse that you’re living someone else’s life – and the way back to yourself seems overwhelming.”



  47.  #47Rori Raye on November 2, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Lucy – please stop haranguing him. Don’t bring anything “relationship” up – just “DATE” him! AND – Circular Date other men – period. Do NOT be pushed into exclusivity right now – instead – ENJOY what you DO have! Love, Rori



  48.  #48Lisa on November 2, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    @Zara Thanks for that post…

    ( I wonder how people on here find these old posts – I think it would take me days of scrolling)

    I’ve let go of my mask… long time ago, and my post earlier was about being my authentic self and being a misfit for it…..

    And Rori is right the price is too high to lose ourselves b/c coming home to ourselves after living someone else’s life is painful… and we feel abandoned…

    This part made me cry: ” It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for. It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.

    Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.

    Love, Rori”

    OXOXO



  49.  #49April Rose on November 2, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Aaagh,

    I can’t reconcile these two sentences, and I feel torn.

    “It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for.
    It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.”

    After reading the first one, I feel “Ah, yes, I can move on (from him)”
    After reading the second one I feel annoyed, like “Okay then, so I am supposed to stay and make it work”.



  50.  #50Indigo on November 2, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    April Rose,

    The “person in front of you” can be someone new 🙂

    What is your heart telling you?



  51.  #51Karen on November 2, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    How much does the truth matter when the relationship is good and the man seems to be doing his part, which seems to be the case for Jenni?

    I’ve always have this question of whether I should dig electronically to gather data/information on his trustworthiness but it felt icky. what should i do? express that I am intolerant to having to share a man with other women, and leave it at that? snoop, to gather evidence he won’t fess up anyway? or, just let him be and just see if i am happy with him?… that me not knowing wouldnt matter if I’m happy. (Him contacting other women would make me unhappy, but there is no way for me to find this out unless I sneak into his stuff, which would be me getting off my horse)

    Jenni’s story is my constant fear- What should I go by to minimize being blindsided?



  52.  #52Epiphyllum on November 2, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Another awesome post by Rori – A lots of good insights in it. Thanks!

    Mercedes 9 – I like your comment :

    “if this were me, I’d dump this man so fast that he wouldn’t know what hit him, and I’d NEVER CONSIDER taking him back (as the song says).”

    I can truly resonate with that…I feel admirable to the one who has enough self-love, confidence, clarity and courage to do it at the time of confusion!



  53.  #53Luzydel on November 2, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    I am wondering how circular dating really helps besides creating a new addiction. I enjoyed it so do not get me wrong; just like chocolate ice cream and a a sappy movie after a break up; circular dating prevented me from being stuck in a guy, however it created another set of issues for me. I became dependent of men attentions and if my mail box wasn’t full or I had no dates panned out for the weekend, I tended to get frustrated, so my self value still depended on external forces.

    What happens when you become more self aware and do not need superficial dates to numb the pain some man caused. In my case I get bored by men on dating sites; it has become a cheap cliche of self proclaimed nice guys who loath women and I feel disgusted by it.

    With time and after the necessary step of online dating; I have learned that I was addicted to romance, well I still am. Just like an alcoholic never stops being one; I will never stop being addicted to romance. Romance addiction, is what keeps us buying books on how to make a man fall for us, and spending money on eharmony or things alike. I am an addict of romance and I keep looking at my cell phone once in a while even though I am not dating any one, but what if one of the men a dated suddenly text? Yuck I feel bad admitting this, but it is the truth.

    Real love is different, it has to be; I really hope it is! I have never been really in love. I have been under the spell of romance and expectations and games and stupid manipulations that made my addiction greater. Many times I confused that with love; but after going through the painful and needed process of self discovery, I have realized that I have never loved a man.

    I want to see a man one day and see the mess he is, how imperfect he is and how incapable he is of saving me and still love him. I want him to be able to hold my hand and know that I am incapable of saving him; that I am a mess most of the time and still love me.

    I know I am capable of that because I have seen myself. I have seen that I am a mess, full of imperfections and and most of the time surviving, but incapable of saving myself and still some how when I saw me, the real me I loved her.

    So that brings me back to Circular dating men; what purpose does it has for me? I did it I passed the grade and now it feels numb. I feel like an emotional snob when I see a man in front of me with all his walls up, pretending to be something he is not or just being plain mean. Yeah those men helped me once, but now they are useless and it is not my responsibility to save them.

    So here I am going solo; going to the park and smiling peacefully at everyone and just enjoying the company of some women I have met and became friends with in the process of dating myself. I guess that being feminine and vulnerable has attracted more emotionally healthy women than men.

    What is the purpose of dating for me? It is so simplistic and useless that I do not want to do it anymore. I want to be around open and smiling and socializing and loving myself more and enjoying my messy self, my angry self, my sweet self and just let it be!



  54.  #54Femininewoman on November 2, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Thanks Zara



  55.  #55blue rose on November 2, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    I just need to vent.

    the guy I’m dating and I have not been intimate in like a month. I went out of town, then I was on my period, then he went out of town, then he got really sick.

    He has cancelled twice recently. Once because he just got into town and his flight was delayed, and didn’t have the energy for the drive (I’m 45 min away). I was pissed. But I understood. but we did argue about it.

    he cancelled tonight. Last minute, like 15 people from his home town showed up and set up a get together. I told him I was angry. He then said he was kind of glad I was angry because I’m acting like we’re a couple when I’ve been “fighting” to not be in one. I did tell him I wasn’t ready to be exclusive – I haven’t been dating anyone else, but it was just too soon, like we had been on 1 real date. We have now been dating for 2 and 1/2 months

    I got very upset/angry/hurt and said he has not asked me to be his gf since we’ve been intimate, “how do you think that makes me feel?” is what I said tonight. He argued this with me, saying that he has, but I don’t remember it. He also said that we need to talk about this.

    Also, there was a miscommunication – he misunderstood me – when he was asking me to be his gf, I said no, but I told him that I like that he is persistent. He has told me that it hurt him that I said no and he seems to have gotten the impression that I’m just torturing him by saying no. jackass.

    So I’m really pissed, but as I write this I’m feeling less pissed.

    When we fight I get scared it’s all over between us. One of my friends said that only children break up over one fight, adults don’t do that.



  56.  #56blue rose on November 2, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    #53 Luzydel

    I’m no romance expert, but it sounds like you are in a transition period – and something/someone awesome will show up soon. They have to – your energy has changed. You will probably not attract these guys for much longer. You will probably start attracting more relationship ready men. And they will call when they say they will call, and you won’t have to feel crazy – because they will be true to their word.



  57.  #57Indigo on November 3, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Karen 51,

    I wonder the same thing.

    I’d love Rori or Dominique to answer this one.

    x



  58.  #58Indigo on November 3, 2013 at 12:26 am

    Luzydel,

    If this is how you feel, I would just go with it.

    I am in a similar phase in my life, though the feelings are not the same. I decided to stop fighting myself and go with my heart, and what feels good and healing for me.

    Men have been showing up; but my heart tells me that I won’t be in the relationship that is going to last a lifetime for another few years still, so I’m just trying to enjoy the now.



  59.  #59Cris on November 3, 2013 at 1:43 am

    @Luzydel, your speech is brilliant. Men and women all have imperfections and this is cause we are humans. Maybe love has nothing to do with romance, maybe love has nothing to do with smiling… maybe…



  60.  #60Zia on November 3, 2013 at 1:51 am

    I feel like dating is not right for me right now, but I also fear that by not actively dating… I don’t even know what I fear. Time to date the world, and not just men 🙂



  61.  #61Smile on November 3, 2013 at 1:20 am

    Karen 51,

    I’ve not been to the blog for a while but after reading this post it brought up so much fear for me. As I read your comment it was like you’d looked into my mind and saw my fear and wrote it in your post.

    It’s always been niggling away for me. Dominique’s helped me around this to keep choosing trust. Every time this pops up for me I tell myself out loud to choose trust. The difference for me is when to choose trust and when is ignoring signs so that you might miss something. I’ve snooped once and this can never be a healthy path in a relationship.

    So far this is all in my head that by choosing trust I’m ignoring things. My battle of negativity continues because I have been blindsided in previous relationships! I’m expecting it to happen again 🙁
    If there is ”something’ it will rear it’s ugly head without you ‘snooping for it’

    I’ve put all my effort into myself and creating attraction so he will naturally want to share in my life 🙂

    In writing you you I’ve answered for myself what I already knew and brought me back to the blog, thank you.

    I choose trust.



  62.  #62Smile on November 3, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Lisa @ 48,

    You can search for past posts over on the right of the blog under pages.
    It’s called post directory. Here’s the link
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/post-directory/



  63.  #63mary on November 3, 2013 at 2:13 am

    hi Smile!

    i love what you said about choosing trust.

    i have this theory that if you take people at face value, (as though they’re telling the truth) sooner or later you’ll see the kind of relationship you have, and trusting them can be like a catalyst that forces the truth to the surface.

    if they’re telling the truth, and you trust them, then you’re showing them a big vote of confidence, and they’ll likely feel close to you.

    if they’re not telling the truth, and you go ahead and trust them, even if your intuition or your sense of “knowing” tells you that they’re not telling the truth…

    … then…

    with my theory, they’ll feel a distance from you. the distance will be on their side, because you’re on the side of trusting.

    so even though you’re in the dark about what’s really going on with them, you’ll feel either close to them or distant from them.

    if you feel distant, and you’re not causing it (you can know whether the distance is on your side or theirs) then it’s safe to assume they’re causing it, so you can begin to think about THAT.

    that distance might not feel so good TO YOU.

    and you might not even need to know WHY. you might just choose to move along… cuz things haven’t felt good for a while, and you’re realizing that…

    OR

    your trusting has gotten you intimacy with your partner! YAY! more of that, please!

    so i agree with you, Smile, that trusting can be such a good thing.

    it’s something we can give whether or not it’s being earned, but THE MINUTE we find out that we trusted and our partner was untrustworthy, a decision must be made.

    oh my.

    what a great post.

    i’m sad you’re going through this, Jen. it’s so great that you’re reaching out to find wisdom for your decision!

    ~ mary



  64.  #64mary on November 3, 2013 at 2:27 am

    Smile again!

    i also liked what you said about this:

    “if there is something it will rear it’s ugly head without snooping for it.”

    When I trespass into an area that’s forbidden, taboo, not okay, etc., I become responsible for the knowledge gained in that place. I might see things I don’t want to see. I might hear things I don’t want to hear. And then I can’t go back and not know those things.

    Maybe I don’t want to have to deal with that kind of consequence. Maybe the information gained in that place is too awful for me to bear. Maybe it’s tainted, because it cost someone else’s privacy to get it.

    Maybe I won’t go places I know I shouldn’t go. Maybe innocence really is bliss. At least, for a while.

    Maybe trusting is the better way until it isn’t possible any more because of a confession, an outside source of information, or the distance that usually follows a lie…



  65.  #65Smile on November 3, 2013 at 4:06 am

    Hi Mary!

    Yes I’ve experienced how choosing trust can make you closer, when I first got with amb he could sense my suspicion through my questioning, since I’ve chosen trust and relaxed around this, I feel like I’ve created the space for intimacy to happen. I don’t feel on edge and suspicious anymore. It’s so exciting to write this! I still have little niggles and I have to chuck the voices out and consciously choose trust. I have also experienced the distance you talk about that is created from his side, this needs to be listened too, I wish I did. But I am wiser now lol. I don’t ever want to deal with information that I shouldn’t have. Often we can make wild and wonderful stories around this info that might not necessarily be true, even if it turns out to be true I choose to trust that eventually I will find out anything I would need to know and then to make a decision .

    I would love for Dominique to post her links to the articles that really helped me around this

    Much love x



  66.  #66Smile on November 3, 2013 at 4:09 am

    Today I feel content and joyful, like I could paint a rainbow across the sky. My life feels so colourful, I think I could leap across the sky and not feel afraid of falling.



  67.  #67Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 5:08 am

    In reading these posts, I am reminded how feeling suspicious is a terrible place to be; how much of that is my own insecurity, how much is just intuitive as to something is not right, have I been fooling myself, missing something.
    Asking, is there something I should know, I feel distance has come between us, should be ok to ask.
    But accepting the answer , trusting it’s the truth, has to be the end of that topic.



  68.  #68Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Speaking of trust:

    Back to onlne dating

    Frequently I find, or they find me, these guys online with great profiles that I get so excited about.
    When I respond, I get these lengthy emails, always wanting my personal email which I don ‘t mind. They go on and on about themselves, their wishes for the perfect love, sometimes widowed. All the romantic trimmings a girl looking for love would swoon for.

    Somehow I feel I am being played. What do you irls think, experience?



  69.  #69Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Oh, and they always work for an oil company. Am I crazy?



  70.  #70Karen on November 3, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Hi Indigo 57, i do hope so too that we hear from Rori and Dominique about this. In the mean time, I love how insightful the comments on trust are, thank you Smile 61 and Mary 62 for sharing what you’ve learned. I felt instantly at peace by shifting my focus on trust (which is under my control) over what he could be preoccupying himself with (not my business).



  71.  #71Zara on November 3, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Listen In to Fori Raye & Allana Pratt at 4pm PST/ 7pm EST: http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventid=47025120

    xxx



  72.  #72Linda on November 3, 2013 at 7:28 am

    I have been on the receiving end of men not being truthful and forthcoming. A dishonesty and lies will ALWAYS be exposed. The first time it happened to me I was blind sided and betrayed at the very core of my heart. I was completely undone and the pain of it hurt for a long time. After a while I picked myself up the pieces of my heart and walked away from that place that I could have let control me for the rest of my life.

    In spite of this first hand knowledge of being lied too.. betrayed. I choose to trust. It sits well with me and allows my intuition to work and eyes to be uncluttered. THe truth will always come to the surface either by admission or circumstance.

    What I will and wont tolerate is very different because of that.



  73.  #73Zara on November 3, 2013 at 7:28 am

    This was copy-pasted from Allana’s site, so the mispelling is not mine. Lol

    xxx



  74.  #74Zara on November 3, 2013 at 7:55 am


  75.  #75Zara on November 3, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Sorry, a space got in the middle and invalidated the link. Here goes again:

    Here’s the free audio interview

    xxx



  76.  #76Zara on November 3, 2013 at 8:08 am

    lol blanked again…
    Now I understand why the link given by Rori on the Allana article did not work!

    Let’s try and paste it this way, out of curiosity, to see if it works
    http://braveboldandraw.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Day-19-Rori-Raye-Final-Version.mp3

    xxx



  77.  #77Zara on November 3, 2013 at 8:10 am

    The link in post 75 works. It is the free audio of Rori’s interview.

    xxx



  78.  #78Dominique on November 3, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Karen – 51 – You choose trust. If a man (or a woman for that matter) is up to no good, doing things which are so not okay with you, the truth will come out all on its own with no help from you.

    Assuming or suspecting negatives in a person could very well create exactly that. So choose trust. Not blindly though, with heart and eyes wide open.

    xxoo



  79.  #79Dominique on November 3, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Here are a couple of articles on trust and another relevant article.

    http://sexandheart.com/choose-trust-2/

    xxoo



  80.  #80Dominique on November 3, 2013 at 8:22 am


  81.  #81Dominique on November 3, 2013 at 8:22 am


  82.  #82Liquid Light on November 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

    I know what you mean Luzydel about men being mean. I’ve had two recent incidences of this happening, one was with a man I had just met once! I didn’t realize it during the date but he insulted me in a back-handed kind of way. And then he challenged me. So this what its going to be like dating him – being insulted and challenged. No thanks!

    Another guy was being mean because he felt rejected and because I didn’t have sex with him. So this is what it would be like being with him, if he doesn’t get his way immediately then the mean and nasty comes out. No thanks again!



  83.  #83LoveAlways on November 3, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I feel soothed and shocked by this article – the shock of discovering the betrayal triggered me a touch. The reaction, the response, all of it – does not happen immediately! It comes in steps and stages. And yes, what you do depends on the type of person you are. Well put Rori.

    Love your articles Dominique!

    Hi Sirens: I have been reading but not posting lately. I am here though, wishing you all beauty, strength and peace!

    Namaste

    LoveAlways



  84.  #84LoveAlways on November 3, 2013 at 9:00 am

    This new moon marks my astrological new year! Happy New Year to me!!! I print this to say that it is a new beginning for me. Picture if you will a huge mountain with steps carved out in it leading all the way to the top in the clouds . . . that is my path and I have found it! And each step I take can be a period of minutes, hours, days, months or years! But I found my path! So wishing myself a happy new year and a bright beautiful new beginning!



  85.  #85Liquid Light on November 3, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Linda G 61, I don’t take anything seriously until I meet the man in person. Then you can get a better idea about if they are who they say they are. Just my 2 cents.



  86.  #86Laura on November 3, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Dear Rori,
    (and anyone else that would like to say anything)

    My love life is a mess.
    I find it strange that for two years they have involved not one, not two, BUT THREE GUYS.
    I will call them Dave, Kevin, and Cody. (fake names)

    I have never posted before, but I will make it as short as possible.

    For two years I stayed single, and then Dave showed up and made me his girlfriend. We instantly hit it off. But there were some down sides to this relationship. I am a bit demanding, and a bit forcing, and that drove him away.
    He was completely intuitive, he knew what I was thinking, so it wasn’t like I had a lot to hide from him.
    I’ve read a lot of your articles and I feel like I did everything right, even the silence. In fact that was one of his best features. That I could stay quiet with him and it would feel absolutely amazing.
    Where I know I messed up is when we were breaking up.
    I pushed him and did not act as a rubber band.
    Whoops.
    When we broke up we stopped talking, and he started acting like such an asshole to me.

    Kevin is the probably the girliest guy there is.
    Before I dated Dave I had a crush on Kevin. I told Kevin, and his response was that he saw me as a friend that he was sorry.
    My response to Kevin was, “That’s okay, I will get over it.”
    That is exactly what I did! I then dated Dave.
    Me and Kevin immediately became best of friends. We have been friends through everything.
    When me and Dave broke up we got even closer, and one day Kevin told me that he was absolutely in love with me.
    To me I have not gotten over Dave at all, and I told Kevin that I still had feelings for Dave.
    Kevin is one of the most understanding people I have ever met. He is completely sweet! He is what an ideal boyfriend would be.
    I then waited to get over Dave so I could happily be with Kevin.

    Cody is probably best described as that really cool bad boy with an awesome car.
    Me and Cody have had many classes together, and he became a good friend of mine. We did not get as close as me and Kevin, but close none the less.
    We sat together mostly either alone or with one other person.
    There we talked about everything except school work.
    I told him about Kevin and Dave, and he would tell me about his girlfriend.
    One day I developed a crush on him. But this crush seemed silly.
    When the classes ended we continued talking almost daily.
    When we were both single we didn’t do anything but talk, and if we talked about relationships it would be about how he desperately wanted one girl that he could finally be himself around.
    I always thought about how he told me his deepest secrets, and things that he would never tell anyone else.
    I would do the same.
    If anything I was getting friend zoned and I knew it.
    That was okay with me because I wanted to love Kevin.

    The day I felt as if I was over Dave was the day it all went downhill.
    I dated Kevin knowingly that I didn’t love him the way he loved me.
    But I couldn’t imagine life without him. I wanted him to always be there for me, and he was.
    He was the perfect boyfriend.

    The first time Dave saw us together was the first time he started talking to me.
    The memories that I thought didn’t matter anymore started mattering once more.
    Dave would make me laugh and make me feel giddy when Kevin could never make me feel this way.
    I could see it in Dave that he still wanted to be with me, and I almost wanted to be with him just as much.
    But now Dave has a girlfriend.
    One day Dave blows up in my face for no reason, and I have not talked to him since.
    Now every other night I dream of Dave hugging and kissing me.
    I never felt like I loved Dave. But I sure as hell was crazy about him.
    I feel like I only dream about him because I miss him so much.

    Nothing changed between me and Cody. I would absolutely LOVE talking to him! He always made me laugh and smile like no one else could.
    I always felt guilty for talking to him and feeling so happy because I talked to him.
    Sometimes he would say tiny things that would give me hope like, “I’ve been waiting for your text all day!” or how he would try to convince me into transferring out with him and going to the same college once more. He 100% disagreed with my relationship with Kevin.
    I told Cody before anyone else that I was going to break up with Kevin.

    One day I went to Kevin and told him that I was just no longer feeling it.
    For a few days we went on pretending like I didn’t tell him anything and we stayed together like a happy couple.

    Five days ago (Tuesday) I brought up the conversation once more.
    And he tells me to give him a week, and that he could make me fall in love with him.
    I agreed just to be kind to his wishes.
    In my mind I felt single as can be, but I felt so restricted at the same time.

    Wednesday was the day before Halloween and both Kevin and Cody wanted to go Trick-or-Treating with me (NO, I am not to young for that!)

    I told Kevin that I was staying home.

    I told Cody that I would go with him.

    Cody knew exactly what was going on with me and Kevin.

    That night me and Cody stayed up late talking.
    He made dirty jokes to me, and asked me if I would consider being friends with benefits with him.
    Now let me tell you, I have thought about it! He is so damn good looking, I would of loved to just for the hell of it!!
    But I knew that wouldn’t make me happy.
    I wanted a relationship, not a meaningless fling.
    I told him that, and he immediately shifted towards talking about a relationship.
    We then abruptly stopped recalling that I still had a boyfriend.
    I stopped texting him and went to sleep.
    The morning (Thursday/Halloween) came and I responded to him wondering if he still wanted to go trick or treating.
    I had no desire to go anymore. I was going to stay home and watch scary movies by my lonesome.
    In the morning I pick up one of my bestest girlfriends, Evelyn.
    I tell Evelyn to read the messages between me and Cody.
    We get to school where I usually meet up with Kevin.
    I knew in my mind that I could not be with Kevin anymore.
    When I got there Kevin was not there, and Evelyn was reading the messages.
    Kevin appears out of no where, and I instinctively block the phone from his view.

    Now Kevin is the last person to look through my phone, he is a complete gentle man, but he asks me why I covered it.
    I tell him it was for Evelyn’s eyes only.
    This upsets him.
    But he seems to get over it quickly.
    Evelyn takes the phone with her to continue reading the messages.

    She told me that when she was finished she would give it to me.

    I got out of one of my classes and that was when Kevin meets up with me.
    He comes up to me, and hands me my phone.
    I was confused.
    “Its dead.” he said.
    “Really? How-” he cuts me off, and said, “By the way it is cheating. Don’t ever talk to me again.”
    and walks off.
    He left me there speechless.

    Kevin had texted two people using my phone.
    One was Betzabe, one of my other best friends who encouraged me to ditch Kevin and go with Cody.
    Betzabe and Kevin are really great friends, and now Kevin felt betrayed.
    He texted her saying that he could not believe that she was in on it.

    The second was Cody.
    Kevin had asked Cody to meet up.

    What they talked about is beyond my knowledge, but I do know what Betzabe and Cody talked about.

    Cody told Betzabe that day that he has a girlfriend and never would he date me.

    This broke my heart even further.

    If anything Cody was just trying to protect himself. Trying to distance himself from this problem. I feel like I can’t blame him for trying to escape from this problem. He does have a girlfriend after all. This pisses me off though! Why would he be talking to me about all of this if he has a girlfriend and would never date me.

    I know for a fact that he doesn’t care about this girl too much because he would always tell me about the girls that matter to him. He never once talked about her UNTIL after all of this had happened.

    I felt like I was falling in love with Cody, but now I don’t know what to think or do.

    Kevin won’t talk to me, and I keep wanting him to talk to me.

    And I keep having urges just to run away with Dave.

    My love life is a tragedy and I need some help.

    I cry myself to sleep pretty much every night since Halloween, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know I didn’t cheat on Kevin because I didn’t even touch Cody. But I did hurt Kevin, and for that I feel like shit.



  87.  #87Joy on November 3, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Rori’s work is magic. I started putting her tools into effect less than two months ago. Things have improved and advanced for me so fast, my main issue now is believing that this can all be happening to me and that it’s real and that I’m good enough.

    After two rounds of different CD guys, probably about 10 total guys, I met King Masculine Giver (KMG). He came on the scene during my round two of CDing, when the “theme” of my CD pack seemed to be men in very masculine professions, physically strong men.

    He suited this theme perfectly as a decorated veteran of our recent wars, very tall and very strong, a guy who was raised on farms in the south in the country. Tall, dark and handsome is a fitting description.

    But he outshone the other guys in my CD group in that he was funny! And calling me all the time! He called me the night we met, as he was driving home. Then again the day after and every day for the past two weeks, sometimes two times a day. We talked for hours.

    In these conversations, he started saying — in a somewhat joking but really not kind of way — that he was going to marry me and make lots of babies with me. It was more real than joking. Sending me a pic of his house and letting me know how he was going to be moving me in there sooner than later.

    I started to find it hard to focus on CDing. The other guys seemed so feminine now in comparsion to him, so NOT stepping up. I was beginning to believe it was really happening to me — my KMG had arrived and he was going to make sure he locked me down as quick as possible.

    Now you all are probably wondering about my DATES with KMG during this two week period of talking on the phone all the time. Well, this is where my fear starts creeping in a bit, and I really don’t want to be afraid — I want to TRUST that this good thing is happening to me, and happening for real.

    See, when we met he told me he had been active military for more than a decade and was ready to get out. But he said it would probably be about seven or eight months before he would be officially discharged.

    Two days after we had met, in one of our phone conversations, he invited me out to an even with him for the following Saturday. I was excited and said yes, even though the event was a full six days away, I didn’t mind waiting to see him again. Meanwhile, the phone calls kept coming in from him.

    He lives about 40 min from me and has been working to take over his dad’s business M-F, plus he has a young son. I figured these were plausible reasons for him not trying to see me sooner than Saturday.

    But with how much he was expressing his serious interest in me on the phone, I did wonder a bit why he did not try to see me sooner. At one point, he did say that he is liking this getting to know you over the phone thing because it doesn’t allow for the distraction that comes with the sexual aspect of new relationships.

    Well, the Thursday before our Saturday date rolls around and I get a call that he has just found out he has been approved for discharge from military, and that he has to leave for the base (on the other side of the country) that night. He says he plans to be back the next day, and that I should not make other plans for Saturday (which also happened to be my birthday).

    I received a text from him Friday morning from base saying all was well and asking how I was. I replied and that was that. Did not hear another word from him the entire weekend!! I was so anxious wondering what was going on. I felt like I might have been duped by him somehow. My birthday came and went, still no word. Thank goodness for my friends during that time!

    Very early Monday morning I get a text from him saying sorry and that his phone had gotten smashed and he really wanted to see me and was heading back to our area that day.

    The phone calls started up again and it was just as it was before he had left. I find out that instead of getting officially discharged, his commanding officer had offered him a chance to become part of a very elite regimen and convinced him to take a week to think about it before discharging. So he would be heading back to base a week later, the following Monday.

    I conveyed to him in feeling message that I felt sad and confused not knowing what was going on the past weekend. He apologized. I used feeling messages to also convey that I did not feel comfortable getting any more invested in this until connecting in person. He asked me out for the upcoming Saturday — five days away. I agreed.

    On the Friday before our date, he calls to firm up plans (good) then tells me he talked to his commanding officer, made it clear he was done with the military, and the commander let him know he would be available on base Sunday through Tuesday to sign the papers.

    So, KMG tells me that it’s up to ME when he leaves — that he knows we talked about spending Saturday and possibly also Sunday together — but that he also feels like he wants to go and sign the papers as soon as possible before he changes his mind. (This business about changing his mind makes me feel nervous, I tell him that).

    I also told him to do what he felt he needed to do. We go on our Saturday (morning) date. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in the two weeks since we’ve met! I could tell he was nervous at first, but he warmed up and we had the same great chemistry in person as we had that first night and those two weeks on the phone.

    He tells me he’s catching a plane to the base that afternoon (yesterday). So our date ends after about three hours and some light making out. I get a sweet text from him about 10 minutes after he leaves, and I respond.

    Now today is Sunday, he is supposedly at this base supposedly signing his discharge papers. (Hear my disbelief / fear in my writing?) But I am feeling paranoid that he seems to be too good to be true, that the not seeing each other during those weeknights was strange given all the serious / playful / intense phone talk. That it’s strange he has had to leave for base both weekends after meeting him.

    I really want to keep the faith that he is the KMG I want and deserve in my life. I know the story will tell itself in time, and I’m afraid my paranoia will ruin my vibe and possibly sabotage a good thing. And look at me, I just wrote a whole novel about all of it on here — very UN-Siren.

    But I feel better getting it out. I’m ready to float. I’ve invited a friend for a walk along the river. But I’m curious to hear other people’s take on all this, too.

    Floating …
    Joy



  88.  #88BlueRedLove on November 3, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I just feel the need to share. I feel hestitant but I think someone may be able to relate.

    For the last 3 mo, I have been dating the most amazing man. He contacts me every day. Although we text a lot, he calls and comes to see me nearly every day. I initiate nothing. He drives, calls, pays. He took care of me when I was sick with a sinus infection, checked on me regularly (in person) when someone in my family died. He is attentive and affectionate in public and private. We can sit for hours and kiss or talk or both without tv or music as a buffer. He is literally everything I have ever prayed for. Last Monday, he told me he loves me.

    Despite how amazing he treats me, I am still actively on match and pof. I talk to those guys sporatically online and on the phone to stay grounded.

    Here’s the catch…he has a girlfriend. I have no idea when they see each other because he is with me much of the time. He spends the night 3-4 times a week.

    I couldn’t find much by Rori on this topic, but what I did find is 1. that 3 mo. is way too early to discuss commitment, 2. create attraction 1st, then talk and 3. the girlfriend only means something if she means something to him and that I need not feel guilty.

    I don’t feel guilty but I do feel antsy. So, today when he asked to see me, I announced that I have a date tonight, which I do. He was floored. Then, I said, “You can’t expect to have me all to yourself if I can’t have you all to myself.” He joked about slashing my date’s tires (yes, it was just a joke). Other than that, he didn’t know what to say. When he told me last week that he loved me he would end his relationship. I simply told him “I feel myself falling for you but I feel terrified. I do not want to love anyone in secret.”

    I actually never mention his relationship. I only focus on me
    I say all that to say that I don’t have my happy ending yet, but that Rori’s tools work. I do NOTHING n my interaction with him but follow my pleasure and open my heart. In turn, I get his daily attention, flowers, jewerly, affection, and time. I also am not half-crazy like I would be if I only dated him. If we work out, awesome. If not, he has raised the bar for how guys should treat me. I just wanted to share. I can’t imagine that I am the only one in this situation.



  89.  #89Rori Raye on November 3, 2013 at 11:29 am

    BlueRedLove – you ROCK!!! I was laughing when I read what you’d said and what he did – it was exactly what I would have said and done….You are doing this brilliantly – and I believe with my whole heart that if you just stay cool, keep doing what you’re doing, and laugh and Circular Date, over time this will work out the way you want it to – however that is.

    And yes – 3 months is WAY too early for any kind of expectations, so keep cool. At this point, the girlfriend is irrelevant (she may be long distance – you have no need to know anything about that – he is, as far as you’re concerned, free to date, and so are you). All that matters is how this goes over time for YOU! We don’t know ANYTHING about this man yet!!! He’s still on his best behavior – let’s see what his true character is and his true intentions are. BRAVA!! Love, Rori



  90.  #90BlueRedLove on November 3, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Yaaaay! Thanks for responding, Rori. I feel so excited to hear back from you. I have been practicing your tools for 3 years. All I do is sink into my feeling, no matter what it is and express it. It is like what you always say, men are hungry for a woman who can feel. He loves and accepts my good feelings. He immediately tries to take the pain away and fix any negative feelings. I feel grateful for him. Mostly I feel so grateful that I found and practiced your tools for so long. Thanks again, Rori!



  91.  #91Lisa on November 3, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Interesting day, I’m sick.. and sleeping a lot, which is amazing… I never sleep during the day and rarely at night when I’m sick…

    I’m feeling settled more and more around nurturing myself… and I’m getting little things done, like switching my summer and winter clothing… dusting, cleaning out and organizing… it feels good… that is how I go inwards…

    “G2” called and left a strange message about having a good time on Thurs… and he would like to ask me out to eat now and then if I want… sounds like friendship? Which is perfect since I’m not wanting anything romantic..haven’t called him back… I don’t feel like talking

    then this afternoon “D” calls, I didn’t get to my cell soon enough and forgot who it was… He is the one that sent me the note saying I’d never have time for him… and he knew I wasn’t really interested… he also sent me a note and apologized and said he was way nervous about meeting me, and he pushed me away… he said he is working on it…. OK so I’m confused… now… I’m so happy he is upfront and honest and shows he can apologize that is wonderful but! he did show me who he is… this is the gray area… do I allow him to continue to move towards me… or do I accept the red flag and move on??? uggg

    then “S” comes into the picture…. sending me messages on Ok cupid now consistently… though he is imaginary until he shows up in front on me….

    I love it when I get so into me and my life that these men disappear… literally! I sometimes forget them and when the number shows up, it takes me a few minutes for it to register who it is.

    OXOX



  92.  #92Arachne on November 3, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Hi Sirens! I’m lying in bed and listening to Rori’s interview with Alanna Pratt… So wonderful, feels so comfy and good! 🙂



  93.  #93LINDA on November 3, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    I am trying to make sense of my feelings so I can make some big decisions. I am stuck and feel frozen. Nothing feels ok right now.
    I could not be further from resolution if I tried. I don’t know what to do to and I am tired of life feeling so heavy.

    I started to head in a direction I thought would cause all things to fall into place but my heart is not falling to agreement and I thought it would.

    I am so tired of expectations of others and their conditions put on my life. I could just scream. Yep I feel anger too.

    Venting….



  94.  #94Zara on November 3, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Linda G 68 69

    Have you read this link?
    http://dianekholoswysocki.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/scammers-on-dating-websites/

    Also, you can check if their pictures are stolen from Internet.
    You right clik on the pic and you copy the adress of the pic.
    You go to google home page. You click on “image”.
    You click on the little camera icon. And you paste the adress of the pic in the search bar.
    The results tells you all the other sites the pic is to be found.

    When using google chrome browser, you can simply right click on the pic and click on “search image on internet”.

    xxx



  95.  #95Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Wow, thanks Zara, will check it out now



  96.  #96Zara on November 3, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Linda G

    Also, when they give you an email adress, you can google it and see on what other type of sites they have registered or even if the adress is already listed as a scam.

    xxx



  97.  #97Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Zara, I googled the company he says he works for. Check out the first hit that comes up:
    http://www.scamwarners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=26&t=13567



  98.  #98Linda G on November 3, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I facebooked him. There is a guy with his name, who works where he says, but wouldn’t ya know, it’s not him!

    It’s like my mother used to say, “oy”



  99.  #99Veronica on November 3, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    From this thread
    Lisa -13- I asked for it. Thank you for the link. I kind of felt dumbfounded and deeply acknowledged when he said give her 100% for the next 90 days and even if it doesn’t work out, she’d have been cared for in a way that she has never been her whole life. I kept thinking, ‘what I would do to have 90 days like that.’

    From the previous thread:
    Sophie – 60 – Thank you, I feel supported and your appreciation feels like a gift : )
    Indigo – 111 – I hope that studying will shift things for you in a really big way. It did for me, I only studied what I love, thoughts of money, career just didn’t stand a chance against the beauty of studying what I love. I’m curious to see how you’ll change when you do start studying.
    I have one friend who understands how the negativity is just toxic to a sensitive person. I think people assume that I’m a negative person because I often talk about the negative things that affect me. I’m not wallowing, I’m actually tracking what that negativity is doing inside of me, and especially since I’ve noticed that I am becoming more emotionally and physically sensitive/aware. I’m turning it into more self-discovery. I only talk about the negative things which I find stifling to my spirit. But when I have an experience that feeds me, it’s like bliss, delight.
    Oh no the open-plan office! When I briefly worked in one of those, I added more ‘covert’ reminders of what I love – the desktop image would be that of paintings, which I would just stare at, ‘bookmarks’ which were actually close-ups of paintings, ‘spare paper’ on my desk was actually where I could draw some ideas, or just enjoy the pleasure of drawing, etc. And then at the end of the day I would have a ritual of slowly savouring dark chocolate (which I love) while I just gorged on looking at paintings from the Louvre in a huge book – absolute bliss and I learnt so much about myself and my instincts in that way.

    Even writing all this helps me to feel more positive.

    Love and hugs your way



  100.  #100Val on November 4, 2013 at 2:50 am

    I think the fact that you confronted him about it and he admitted to a part truth, then confronted him again only to find another part truth makes it a whole lot worse. If he’d confessed everything at the start, I personally feel forgiveness could be easier.

    But the way he had kept so many things hidden makes me feel it would be very hard to trust him again.



  101.  #101Linda on November 4, 2013 at 4:24 am

    In the midst of the my frozen state and trying to make decisions.. I came face to face with the overwhelming awareness that how I felt in the company of FavoriteCD as a woman…was exactly how I my heart has been yearning for all my life. He filled me up that way. I want to feel that way for the rest of my life.

    I feel sad that there are so many other factors that get in the way of him being the one I get to have that with. There were many many positives with him. I feel extremely frustrated to have come so close and it not work out. It is disheartening to have someone tell you how perfect you are for them and they want you forever, send you flowers, beg for multiple chances to make it work again, that they will do anything … anger management, counseling alone or together,… anything to be together ….to only then put stipulations, conditions and time frames on things that are out of my control so they will be willing to “work on things”. It feels like such a double standard. I spoke with him yesterday… and it was all… your kids this and your kids that… and I love you but… He made no mention of what he was going to do to fix on his end what has brought things to a grinding halt…his frequent complaining rants about his displeasure with me..his unmet expectations, anger, tyraids. The only thing he said was.. I wish I could take back some of the things I did and said… but…. ENOUGH!!!! It allll make me CRAZY.

    Sometimes I think I would just be easier to put my life back together with my ex-husband, everybody would be happier… except me. I dont feel the kind of feelings that I need to do that either. I was married for 27 years without ever feeling like that seen fulfilled “woman” with him and it took me so long to step out of it. I have not found the happiness I desire in seven years and have a lot of grief in my life due to it all. Maybe I wont ever find peace and happiness??

    OK then…thats that. Since I cant promise delivery of a change of other peoples attitudes or feelings and that is their stipulation for being in a relationship with me….I have to surrender and give up. Since I do not have the feelings in my heart to pursue repairing my relationship with my ex-husband. I give up.



  102.  #102ArabianLove on November 4, 2013 at 4:35 am

    Good morning ladies !
    Omg I just had the most amazing date ever last night !!!!
    It was just free flowing conversation for 2 hours straight! We met on a whim since he was leaving on Friday for vacation. it is the first time I accept a date from someone I met online for the same day! I’m so glad I did!

    Now I just hope he feels that it went well as well. He did message me a couple hours later asking if I got home alright. I said yes and thanks again 🙂 he wrote he had a good time that he was relaxing now … My mind is in overdrive though because I asked him another question he answered ( i got 3 messages at the same time … his answers and a Have a nice evening : ) ) …. I dont know if it’s beause I was in the basement that i got them all at once but Im taking that last message of have a good evening as ok enough with you tonight… im not that interested :S
    What do you ladies think ?

    I think I’m crazy! …. I just dont want to be overly excited and then disappointed because he doesn’t contact again … although I know he is going away on Friday for a week … so I guess I’ll just have to keep busy and be patient! Circular date too 🙂 (Thanks Hanah for convincing me to try it out) He’s just a guy… even though he’s a hot doctor !:P and funny!!! Oh dear, I’m in big trouble !!!



  103.  #103Sirana on November 4, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Feminine Woman and Dominque – I just wanted to say thank you for your guidance. I followed your advice and did not send the email. I realized something very important to the success of my relationship. With my husband respect is everything. He will not give me the love I so much ache for when he does not feel respected. I started thinking this weekend about all the ways I have shown disrespect. Of course, he would not give me what I need. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Do either of you do individual coaching? I feel like you get right to the heart of the matter and really seem to nail the situation. Thanks again!



  104.  #104Dominique on November 4, 2013 at 5:46 am

    Sirana – I am a relationship coach and a regular here, a resident coach so to speak and good friends with Rori. I would love to work with you if this feel right to you. Click on my name, and it will take you to my site.

    xxoo



  105.  #105Linda G on November 4, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Linda to Linda;
    I can feel your frustration and disappointment. It feels so deflating to come so close to that edge of happiness and fulfillment and then feel it drop off.
    I have experienced the same. While reading your post, it came to me:
    Instead of taking the plunge into the abyss of surrender and defeat, what if we choose to see this experience as a most promising lesson:

    That we are capable of feeling complete love, can recognize when our needs are being met, our wishes granted, and when they are not. That this guy is our stepping stone, our bridge to the one who will truly be the right one for us.



  106.  #106Veronica on November 4, 2013 at 7:19 am

    I went on a date with Driveguy on Saturday. It was mostly good, I liked his being keen on helping me, which he did quite a lot. He smokes though which is a pity, and puts me off. I’m not quite sure how to proceed with that. Hm and he was giving me desire-eyes…I could see it in his eyes, like a soft hot-warm lava energy going on. And making sure to bring my attention to him, which was interesting to experience.

    I’m feeling more comfortable with CultureCD, at times I felt like he wanted his body to be close to mine, a few times I thought I was in his way. We were having a discussion and I just felt softness for him, which I’m glad that happened, it’s like proof for me that I’m healing.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on November 4, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Linda I feel you.

    What I got from your last post is “trade off”.

    What would you be willing to trade off to be in a relationship? I am also asking myself the same question.



  108.  #108T-Girl on November 4, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Hi everyone. I just wanted to pop in real quick and tell everyone that J proposed to me at our party on Friday night. We will be getting married in June. Rori, I don’t know if you will see this or not but I owe my awareness and transformation to you. And the icing on the cake is I will be marrying the love of my life. Thank you!



  109.  #109BlueRedLove on November 4, 2013 at 7:29 am

    This is a note to offer hope to anyone new or struggling with Rori’s tools: just surrender. After I practiced her tools so long, the right words started coming to me in any situation. The best thing is I can fix any “mistake” I make by just letting go of my ego, of being right and do the tools again.

    It’s amazing how quickly I connect now.

    Here’s my update: yesterday I was so proud of myself for telling my guy, let’s call him Navy, that I was CDing and that I had a date set up for that night.

    Well, the date never happened because I ended up in the ER instead. As it turns out, I will have to have major surgery (soon but not that night). I sat in the hospital feeling alone, scared and angry. I texted my date, New Guy to cancel. I texted Navy to tell him. (Remember I never text 1st so this was foreign to both of us.

    Both guys texted back wanting to take care of me! I’ve never met New Guy so that was not an option.

    Navy immediately offered to come to ER but I was on my way home. He met me at my house. I told him how scared and frustrated I felt. I ended up crying, but ended it with feeling messages. What happened was miraculous. It opened up an entire conversation about how he wants to be who I call, how he hates me dating other guys, how he plans to end his relationship, how he wants to be the one I turn to and rely on no matter what. He told me again that he loves me, that he prays for me all of the time and he would be with me through my surgery, recovery and beyond. Wow. Choosing my words makes all the difference.



  110.  #110Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 7:33 am

    @Linda I had very similar situations… my last relationship was the closest to what I want and yes, it is hard when there is just a few things that get in the way… it was heart breaking for me…

    @Linda G Right ON! Love how you put that…

    recognize when needs are being met and when they are not… and stepping stone…

    for me:
    sometimes I feel that I want it so bad that I want to trade off… and with my last one… that is what I did… I decided that it was close enough… even though I wasn’t happy… my family told me, they knew I wasn’t really happy… well b/c my needs were being ignored… not that I have to have my way, but to just ignore my needs as if they didn’t matter….

    OXXO



  111.  #111T-Girl on November 4, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Dominique I want to say thank you to you too for your guidance and support xoxo



  112.  #112Femininewoman on November 4, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Yayy T-Girl.



  113.  #113Goodheart on November 4, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Oh T-Girl, CONGRATULATIONS!!

    I feel SO happy for you 🙂



  114.  #114Dominique on November 4, 2013 at 9:34 am

    BlueRedLove – I’m so sorry about your upcoming surgery, but YAY YOU for the rest!!!

    xxoo



  115.  #115Smile on November 4, 2013 at 10:30 am

    T girl, congratulations. So lovely to hear about sirens getting engaged 🙂 x



  116.  #116Indigo on November 4, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Veronica 98, what a lovely message xx

    Hugs back your way too!

    I loved your description of your rituals that you used to make your day special… I have my own office, yet I still find it necessary to create a “cocoon” most of the time. The noise and the negativity is very depleting. You have inspired me to create some rituals around being at work to make it more pleasurable for me. I wish corporate life did not sap so much of our energy. I have been chatting to various people about ways to move out of my current job, some which I am quite excited about. I know you are right that studying will shift everything for me. I too am very energized by the thought of studying something that I love.

    I know what you mean about being viewed as negative because you talk about things that negatively affect you. For me, talking about them has a therapeutic effect quite often. Often once I’ve talked about it at length and crystallised my thoughts I feel very much lighter and better. I suppose I am careful who I confide in. Not everyone is “safe”, so to speak.

    Much love to you 🙂



  117.  #117BlueRedLove on November 4, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Thanks, Dominique! I appreciate your kind words. This is all a major test on how to sink into the ugly, icky, painful feelings and still express them. Thanks again.



  118.  #118Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    @BlueRedLove I’m sorry about your surgery I hope it isn’t too serious… <3 {{hugs}}

    @ Indigo

    " I know what you mean about being viewed as negative because you talk about things that negatively affect you. For me, talking about them has a therapeutic effect quite often. Often once I’ve talked about it at length and crystallised my thoughts I feel very much lighter and better. I suppose I am careful who I confide in. Not everyone is “safe”, so to speak."

    I totally KNOW what you mean… for me as well.!!!. what we resist persists and that for me means if I resist negativity than it will fester… and though I know that when I speak about things in my life that someone " has judged to be negative" they immediately have to shut me down.. as if, they can't hear it or handle it… or afraid it is contagious ??

    Since I really have worked hard to not live in "duality" which for me means nothing is good nor bad less I make it so… I can live with so called negativity without feeling I need to shield it or run from it… and that makes me the "odd person out"…

    For me there is something for me in everything negative or positive… I love to hear it all… sometimes venting does make me feel lighter… as you said…therapeutic effect and I also know to look at it under inquiry and find all that it has for me as a lesson… just my thoughts….

    I love this topic of conversation, thanks for bring it up…. <3

    OXOXOX



  119.  #119Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    I just have to say that I really love love love how Rori’s work …. is about surrender and being! It just follows all that I have come to realize and work on the past 20 years and that feels so good to me… though I’m not where I want to be with her work, if feels good that it is in alignment with what feels right for my path… I love to hear the stories of women letting go of the ego … @ BlueRedLove <3

    and I wish just surrendering was so easy… and yes you are correct… isn't that what life is all about… how profound… Thanks for sharing…

    OXOXO



  120.  #120Sophie on November 4, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Agreed – I can perceived as being negative but I need to express how my experience is feeling and then I can seek the positives from there

    Today I went for some temporary work in a corporate environment and although I am very grateful for the money and there were some lovely people in this group my jaw was so clenched with the tension of holding all my energy in all day I couldn’t pretend it was great x it wasn’t for me it felt AWFUL!!!! but that’s okay I can express that and then still look at the positives and get up and do it again tomorrow and be grateful x

    Lisa and others – I know the tools are soooo useful – I notice completely whenever i get slightly odd responses from CDB I am doing some of the no’s: advice, overfunctioning; controlling etc etc and then I know ‘leeaaannn back’ – oh and the showing more appreciation as much as possible is invaluable

    TGirl – that is fab!!! Congratulations!

    blueRedRose – lots of love to you and peaceful healing – I feel happy that the men would like to care for you 🙂



  121.  #121Adriana on November 4, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I would like to know where I can buy your book “have the relationship you want.”

    I tried amazon but couldn’t find it.

    Thank you ,

    Adriana



  122.  #122Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    @sophie I know what you mean about being grateful and still having to hold it all in .. sounds like your doing great! Gratitude goes a long way…

    I just found that in being sick, i’m softer, just b/c sickness seems to do that to me….

    and I had to take an important biz call for my biz and I noticed that in being honest about how I was feeling with this man, was great. I let him know I was feeling sick and that to please pardon my foggy brain, and that could I contact him later if questions arise… and I noticed how soft I was and yet still so biz like… and it actually felt good, perfect, and so me…and his responses were great!!! I just love how everything in my life is a teacher.. yum!

    @sophie I’m excited when I get to that point where you are and I can do that… step back everytime I get a response that lets me know I’m doing a No…

    I realized that I’m so afraid of doing the tools wrong and making a mistake with my words, that it has actually backfired on me and caused me to be more tense and hard…

    Love this dialog

    OXOXO



  123.  #123Sophie on November 4, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    ha ha Lisa I don’t know if I’m at that point 🙂 we’ve certainly had our blow ups mostly instigated by me…well by my responses anyway – he went into quite extreme withdrawal which freaked me out and I didn’t deal with it well..well I don’t know I don’t really know how I was supposed to deal with it…but…somehow I did manage to get through the enormous wall that he’;d constructed around himself – maybe, in fairness to me, by trying to remain open-hearted and talking with feelings rather than accusations and when he did finally want to share with me I did my absolute best to listen (though I did a fair amount of the opposite first!)…

    and right now after some considerable tension it feels soft and flowing and non-efforting again and I can feel his energy coming towards me and I feel happier and we’re both more relaxed- i’m really really not good with the withdrawal thing

    I guess my noticing when I deviate from the RR rules is more awareness – more a ‘aha! that’s what Rori says than that I’ve actually got it all down! But if I think back a few years Rori would have been like a foreign language to me and now I can see the truth and effectiveness and i’m gradually integrating the knowledge so that its easy to access when I need it but I’m not self-consciously ‘using’ it

    I do stop my self sometimes in my head and think how do i tell him how I feeeeeelllll and wow! I’m efforting! (that one’s hard for me to stop..) and eek that was advicy/controlly/thinky/ soften soften soften – I like the tool when you unzip your heart and open your body language and physically lean back – all that helps me



  124.  #124Rori Raye on November 4, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Adriana, you can only buy the book online – just click on the picture of the book in the sidebar, and you’ll have it on your computer or phone within minutes! Love, Rori



  125.  #125Linda G on November 4, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    Oh Tgirl, wishes for much love in your life now and to come!

    I am being wooed online by an actual poet!!! Swoon… I know it’s imaginary…..

    That guy I mentioned earlier to Zara, tried to message me on the dating site. His profile was removed! Knew it, too funny



  126.  #126Linda G on November 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    BlueRedLove, so sorry you will be needing surgery, hopes and wishes you manifest health and a speedy recovery.

    In my early 20’s, I had a friend everyone adored. She was beautiful, funny, always drinking and a complete mess. She was staying with me in my tiny apartment in NYC. When she got flu, men came from miles, the most selfish and brutish men, with flowers, candy, tissues, cold remedies.

    She was always vulnerable, always authentic, always irresistible….



  127.  #127Amazed on November 4, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Off the subject but hoping you sirens can help me. I am with a great man for a month now. The only thing is…he doesn’t want to have sex…. 🙁 At the beginning we would make out and it felt awesome… He keeps saying he doesn’t do this (his last relationship was a few years ago) and that I scare him because he hasn’t felt like this in a long time. That should flatter me but instead I am feeling rejected. I enjoy sex and feel connected with my partner on a deeper level during and after. I’m wondering if he doesn’t want that yet since he is saying he is scared. I know my boy energy is coming out and it doesn’t feel good to me to initiate. We did end up having sex one night and it was soo good. I felt that I pushed him though and felt bad the next day. The last time we were together I asked him how he felt about sex and he said if it happens it happens..if it doesn’t it doesn’t. (I sleep over and he just wants to snuggle but it’s soooo hard for me to just do that) I’m not feeling good with him saying that…I have needs. Every other partner I had been with had a healthy sexual appetite and I was completely fine with that. However there was a reason why the relationships didn’t work out…maybe it was mainly because of sex and not because they wanted to know me as a person as this man does? Argh….this feels like work so I know this isn’t right. I told him I felt rejected and he didn’t understand what I was talking about….he asked if I was a nymph!! So basically I turned over and cried without him knowing and we went to sleep. I don’t know what to do but he is 43 and I am 38. I don’t want forever with someone that is not on the same page about this as I am. He wants us to be long term….but is it selfish of me to want the closeness and awesome feeling of sex? How can I tell him what I want and how I’m feeling so he understands…I told him I felt bad initiating and he said…well don’t then. I feel frustrated and have told him that as well. I know a great relationship is not all about that but to me it is an important part. Do you think I’m just feeling impatient and should just slow down? I know I am not going to go and stay at his place anymore because it is such a frustrating thing for me. Please help…



  128.  #128Amazed on November 4, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Congrats T-Girl!! Yay!
    BlueRedLove….hope you are feeling better soon… (((hugs)))
    I’ve read through all the posts and am reminded to soften myself and lean back again….I am new to this and am finding myself back in my head again. I have to expresss myself in the moment again. It’s amazing how I connected with new man so quickly and easily with feeling messages, they do really work.



  129.  #129Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    @Sophie Thanks so much for sharing that makes me feel so good. I love hearing others stories, I get so much out of them…. it is like a foreign language to me… and I’m still trying to find my place with it…

    I’m using it on everyone now…that seems to feel good for me…

    and tonight I wrote a gratitude letter to “M” which I won’t send, though it was suggested that I read it aloud to him.. but no contact… means no contact… I have it on file… and the tears of gratitude came flowing out of me and I used it with my arms out and my chest back taking deep breaths and visualizing my heart open to the entire earth… and love pouring out of me to everything! It was my way of being vulnerable to all of life… I’m working on it…

    <3

    OXOX



  130.  #130mary on November 4, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    hi again!

    i’m sorry; i’m not really following the comments as i’m preparing for a big trip and my flight is in the morning.

    but Jen, I’ve been thinking about you!

    are you reading all these comments?

    i’m thinking about you because of what you discovered, which is something any of us could discover at any time about the man we’ve chosen.

    it must be so devastating for you!

    i’ve actually been in a similar circumstance, and yes, i went where i shouldn’t have gone, and I got information that i shouldn’t have had, and then i had to figure out what to do with that information.

    the thing that strikes me here, as i’m driving around in my car and your story comes to mind, is that we need to always be prepared for change. you know? because when you discover things that go against your values, and they take you by surprise, you either have to look the other way or act on your true feelings. and both of those things are so hard to do! nearly impossible, sometimes. it can be like there’s a brick wall, and you can’t even move, because moving involves a decision, and you don’t want to make either decision, so you do nothing. you’re grieving.

    i’m wondering where you are and how you’re feeling…

    and i want you to know that i’m thinking about you! i’m going on a trip tomorrow, and i’ll be off the Internet, but your story touched me (as it has been my story, too) and i’m hoping the best for you.

    with love,

    mary



  131.  #131Indigo on November 4, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Lisa 118,

    Love it! I don’t believe in the duality of things either, because every situation literally has hundreds of ways you could see it. And the so-called “negative” often contains the most transformative power!

    129

    I love that you wrote a gratitude letter to M! What a healing thing to do.

    ” It was my way of being vulnerable to all of life”
    I love this. I believe it’s part of the healing process, seeing a person in their totality, that which hurt us and that which gave us joy.

    xx



  132.  #132Indigo on November 4, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Sophie 120

    I SOOO know what you mean. So wonderful.



  133.  #133Indigo on November 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Amazed,

    I have once or twice been in a relationship where the guy didn’t want sex nearly as much as me, and it was quite painful. I’ve also been in the opposite situation, where he wanted sex much more than I did, and that was also frustrating because I felt like I was disappointing him. And obviously what feels the best is a balance, where your appetites sync up most of the time.

    Could it be that he feels he is disappointing you? I’m just asking because most good men seem to be very sensitive to pleasing a woman and making her happy, and pick up on it very quickly if they are not doing it. Is there a way to get the pressure off? Get him into a fun environment where you could both cut loose and it would happen more naturally? I’m thinking taking him out dancing, having a few glasses of wine, putting on some music, getting into the hot tub, that kind of thing…

    If it were me, I would try that kind of thing before I’d call it a day with the man.

    *hugs* to you x



  134.  #134Indigo on November 4, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Congratulations T-Girl 🙂



  135.  #135Lisa on November 4, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    @Indigo Right on!!! Me too! the so called negative always, always has the juicy stuff for me, so humbling… and I get to live my life without fear …. I can hear it all and welcome it..

    Thanks!! It was a healing thing to do.. and each time I write one to him, it gets better and better!

    side note:
    I think I’ve finally, ( I hope I hope) gotten it to seep in that the love I have for him is only a reflection of the love I have for myself… and though I’ve known this and read this again and again, it sunk in tonight… that I can’t possibly love anyone any deeper than I love myself… and the fact that I did love him deeply and still do – even though he is out of my life and parts of it did hurt me… means I love him unconditionally and that means I love myself unconditionally… I’m so excited…

    This is why no one can ever love me the way I love them… b/c they can only love me as much as they love themselves… and it isn’t personal… I get that now… ( I knew it and now I GET it) I’m excited!!!

    Thanks Indigo!!! I feel so heard! It feels good! {{hugs}} <3

    OXOX



  136.  #136Liquid Light on November 4, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    I’m so tired of anger coming from older men. So many of them seem to come on so strong when you don’t reciprocate, they lash out. I’m so tired of it. Tonight I ended up going to my local favorite restaurant by myself! I never do that but tonight I just said to hell with it cuz I needed to get out of the house. I was just going nuts sitting at home. I ended up having the best time! It was football night and the bar was full of men watching football. Really intimidating but I found myself a seat at the bar and ended up talking to this young guy sitting next to me. At first I was not interested in talking to him at all cuz I thought he was so young. But he ended up being so easy to talk to, so much less complicated, and not angry/bitter/competitive. So refreshing! Hmm, maybe I need to get me a younger man! 🙂



  137.  #137Andrea on November 4, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Yes, about a year ago, I snooped into my boyfriends computer and found lots of flirtations on facebook with other women. I was devastated. Of course. But it led me to this blog. It brought me to Rori Raye’s work.
    I went back and forth with this man for over a year all the while participating here, reading the e-book, and practicing.

    Here are the lessons I have gleaned over this year:
    1. I have been able to greatly diminish the importance of aproval from men in my life. This has come from circular dating, realizing that I am beautiful and wanted by many men, and that I am the one who gets to choose which of them I want in my life. (This has also come from taking care of myself, studying myself, allowing myself to unfold before my eyes with out judgment, actually liking what I’m seeing.)

    2. Learning the difference between “attracting” a person or experience versus “attacking” (Hah) or chasing a person or experience. This is where purposefully leaning way back has been such an overwhelming practice. I am wont to “go after” those things in life that I think I “need to have.” But slowly I’ve been allowing myself to be patient, a little bit more quiet, a little bit more settled into myself.. and lo and behold, my desires come to me.. they sweep over to me in gentle and caressing waves of validation and love. It works.

    3. Learning that silence is sometimes the most powerful tool I can practice. I’ve learned that when something is making me feel bad, a man who puts me down or wants to argue with me or doesn’t trust me or wants me to justify or explain something… an experience that makes me feel struggling and angry and uncomfortable.. I have the absolute power and authority and right to NOT ENGAGE! I have been simply not engaging with that experience. The man who wants to argue? I don’t argue back. I don’t answer him. I don’t email, text, facebook, yell, discuss, explain, phone him, tell his friends or my friends.. nothing. I gave myself permission to say to myself, “I don’t feel like being around this anymore.” And then I leave it alone.
    What has happened????? Amazingly, those who still want to argue or put me down, simply fall out of my life. And somehow more men, gentle men, loving men, curious men, are taking their place.
    I put my attention into a space of expecting what I want. And slowly but surely, I’m getting it.
    Some of the arguing men are starting to contact me as well… more gently, more stunned that I’m no longer willing to do that old song and dance anymore. They tell me they notice a difference.. “have I lost weight?” Hah!! No, I’ve lost all the guilt that I was maintaining over being a not so nice little girl. I’ve lost my need to prove something, to always be right, to justify my stance. I’ve found the grace to simply carry on with out YOUR approval. : ) It feels nice.

    4. This is a HUGE ONE!!! I’m learning to take it easy on myself. I’m learning to understand that I have my own little quirks and little funny way of looking at life. And it’s okay, it’s great, it’s me. I’m taking it easy on myself. When my mind starts to go into that reprimanding scolding voice… I say, “Na.. I’m going to let that one slide. I’m going to take it easy on myself for a while and see if liking me for being different might work better for a change.”
    It feels so sweet. So relaxed. So caring.

    I’m single right now. Very single. The men who were pursuing me, were also the men who wanted to change me. I’m floating around in this totally new vibe and it’s so groovy. I can’t explain it. I feel joyous and high sometimes. I laugh out loud and then catch myself. I’ve taken myself on walks through the hiking trails of our State Park and talk to myself. I’ve started writing a ten day journey into transformation. I’m drinking lots of water again and noticing… just noticing what comes up.

    Two nights ago I was supposed to meet my girlfriends out at a bar. They did not show up. I was there by myself. And the handsomest man I have ever seen walked in and walked by me. He was six foot four.. or taller, big brawny shoulders, black hair, a dimple on the side of his face.. he was wearing a white button down shirt and stone washed jeans. He was gorgeous. He walked behind me. I only stared at him out of the corner of my eye and gulped as he turned around and made his way back to my stool.

    He said, “Andrea? Maybe you don’t remember me. I met you months ago. It’s great to run into you!”

    I said, “HUH?”

    And then it came back to me. He had been introduced to me months ago by a man I was on a date with at the time. I was all eyes for the man I was on a date with, but Michael and I did have a chance to make some conversation at that time.

    I leaned way back. He sat down. He started talking to me. I leaned away a little bit. He moved in and his knee touched mine. He only looked at me. He didn’t do that wandering eye thing that people do in crowded bars. He was planted. He was focused. He wasn’t concerned with anyone else but him and me. We talked for two hours and then I got up to leave first. He asked me to hang out for a little while longer. I told him, “No. I feel good and relaxed and enjoyed our time together but I want to get home.”

    He understood and asked if he could contact me on facebook. I said yes.

    This morning… He sent me a message…..



  138.  #138Millie on November 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    Sooooo…This man “the mechanic” is a very aggressive flirter, haha. His texts are riddled with sexuality and…I like it..it turns me on that he is turned on by me, however…my fear, good ol fear, in my heart and my mind is my trigger, my tape of “he’s just interested in hooking up.” I’ve been enjoying the flirting, but when it felt like it was going to far, I said something. I feel like I’m a cool girl, I’m a sexual girl, and I love all of me, but I don’t want to mislead a man into thinking that all this flirtation is leading straight to bed. It takes more than flirtation to win me. So what happened is this….He asked me to “hang out and have a beer with him” Sure! I said. Yes I’m interested in getting to know him better. So this “hang out” quickly went from him telling me we are going to a dive bar and telling me he is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, to him taking me to dinner and drinks at a nice bar and him showing up in a button and some classy shoes. He paid for everything and had his arm around me at the bar. I liked it. I had fun. He is less aggressively sexual in person. But keep in mind he had already asked me to “come over sometime.” After the date the goodbye was a little off. I took his goodbye as well…goodbye and I left! He text me after saying why did I leave so quickly and that the night wasn’t over yet. I was surprised….and then he alluded to me coming over again. Now….this guy is flirty..which I’m into, but where does the “joke” stop and reality begin?? Where does joking about spending the night become an actual desire? My belief is that every joke carries some truth and it is easy for a man to “joke” about things that could potentially be serious to see how a woman responds. Now, I responded with telling him I wasn’t comfortable going over or hooking up right off the bat. (when he called me he straightforwardly said we should have sex.) I told him I appreciated his directness, and I prefer an honest man to a liar any day, but it’s not going to happen tonight. He laughed and liked my answer. So after I said I wasn’t comfortable he laughed it off and said he didn’t mean we had to have sex…..but…..that’s what I felt he meant. He’s been super sexual flirty, so yeah, that’s the vibe I get from him. I want to sleep with him too, but just not the first night we go out….I want to get to know him. So the next day he starts out again with the sexy flirting and I respond with telling him I get the impression he wants something casual, which is fine, but that’s not what I want for myself. I liked his response, which basically said that just because he likes a girl doesn’t mean he needs to sleep with her or marry her, he just liked spending time together and flirting. I’m more than ok with that. I love that actually. I felt like I could relax and just flirt away with him and not feel like I’m misleading him. I feel self-conscious that it was too soon to have a serious boundary talk like that, but on the other hand, where does the joke end and the truth begin? I felt like for me and for him I needed to set that. The voice in my head is telling me that I said that out of fear and out of the need for control. Yes, I’m afraid he will just want sex and that’s it. For me, I don’t just want sex with anyone. I’ve been there…when you like a guy sleeping with him doesn’t get you to his heart, so I’m not going to do it. But I do feel like I couldn’t “roll” with it and I had to put the brakes on, I had to bring the flirting back to reality for a second. I didn’t go out of my way to say anything, it was all in response to him. After we had that conversation, we went right back into our little flirty banter, so I feel like he likes me and understands, even tho he said I was reading into things too much…that’s me. I was reacting according to me. Anyways..yeah so that happened.



  139.  #139Millie on November 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    long post above sorry!



  140.  #140Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 3:25 am

    Millie, thanks for sharing a story so truthfully, I have been there.
    For me, my take away was to learn to set firm boundaries, not send mixed messages. It’s a fine line, it’s fun to play and flirt



  141.  #141Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 3:26 am

    Andrea, I loved reading your post



  142.  #142Femininewoman on November 5, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Amazed I have a suspicion that this guy sees you as the girl he takes home to mama and “doesn’t want to mess it up”. Guys know that many times after sex things change. I have heard guys say they want us to make them wait. I have heard some say that they want to wait to build up the tension. I have heard some say it just changes things for them when they have sex with a girl they really respect early on. To the point where they just can’t move the relationship forward.

    I would just consider that your relationship timeline is different than his. He is slower. I would not put any pressure on him because he might take it the wrong way. I am wondering if finding a way to melt and sink into your feelings while you are with him will help him to feel your sexual energy to the point where he craves it and initiate?



  143.  #143Lisa on November 5, 2013 at 5:38 am

    @Liquid Light maybe you do! Go Girl! I have… it can be fun… and light and easy…<3 😉

    @Millie <3 I've been there… and sounds like he is pushing boundaries… and sometimes In my experience men say I'm reading too much into it.. and maybe I'm not… I trust my gut…

    @Andrea that sound so nice… you just never know… <3 He sounds sexy…

    OXXO



  144.  #144Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:07 am

    I feel amazed.
    I feel repulsed at the gushing being made over a woman who is an army Doctor who in my eyes has chosen to abandon her own children for her job. And has not seen and been there for her own young children for nearly a year.
    Comments as ” Oh you are such a hero”. ” thank you for what you do.
    Can’t see her children thinking that. Or feeling loved and cared for.
    I feel sad for those children who’s mummy chose and made her job more important than her own children.
    We are not in a WW where we are defending our country this is pure choice to not be there for ones own children and abandon them while they are growing up.
    Feel sickened. No hero in my eyes.



  145.  #145Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Millie, it’s BS when he said you were reading into things too much.

    He straight out said you should both have sex.
    You said you don’t want to have sex with someone you don’t know yet. A STRANGER.
    He is ok about having sex with a stranger as he doesn’t know you yet.

    So to me this shows that you are not at the same level of consciousness and on the same page about sex.



  146.  #146Dominique on November 5, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Amazed – 127 – Sex is an important of a healthy love relationship, and that he’s not so into it (seemingly) at still a young age feels concerning to me. There could be any number of reasons as to the why around this, and speculating is not very useful.

    1. You could try having a heart-to-heart.
    2. Or you could wait and see how things unfold.

    Bottom line you need to decide that if nothing ever changed around this, would you still want to be with him.

    xxoo



  147.  #147Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:42 am

    I love this.

    http://innerbonding.com/show-article/3001/what-does-having-sex-mean-to-you.html

    And it feels a good question to ask of myself and men who bring wanting to have sex with me up, to see if we are on the same page.

    So wanted to share this and ask Sirens what does having sex mean to you? As the topic of sex has come up.



  148.  #148Dominique on November 5, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Andrea – 137 – YAY you!!! Love, love, love this. 🙂

    xxoo



  149.  #149Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Dominique.
    Can someone really know someone and love someone after a month?

    Isn’t this the getting to know each other stage?
    Would b



  150.  #150Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:45 am

    be to me.



  151.  #151Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Isn’t it dating still after a month, rather than a love relationship? He doesn’t sound like he wants sex yet.
    I feel suprised that a young man not wanting sex after such a short period of time feels concerning to you Dominique.
    It feels a good thing to me not rushing into sex whislt in the getting to know each other stage.

    Do we really expect to have sex with every person we are getting to know and are not yet in a love relationship with? And them with us?



  152.  #152Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 6:56 am

    So although I would agree that it would be concerning if a person wasn’t wanting sex who was in a love relationship.
    In this case they aren’t in a love relationship they are in a dating and getting to know each other stage. So it doesn’t feel concerning to me.



  153.  #153Amazed on November 5, 2013 at 7:07 am

    I appreciate all the comments, I feel heard and loved by you sirens….awwww ((hugs)) I agree with you FW – he does want to bring me home to his mama…and he has said things seems to be going so fast. I do think this is stemming from the fact that he wants us to last and wants us to go out and get to know each other better. I will sink into my sexual feelings and let him initiate whenever he is ready. I feel I am not respecting him when I try to push him and my boy energy feels yucky. I am just not used to not having anyone initiate…but where are they now? I am forgetting we have only been seeing each other for a month…we are not in love yet. He did say before he didn’t want to rush things and have it fizzle out as he has seen relationships do before. I will wait him out. 🙂



  154.  #154Dominique on November 5, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Syreena – 149 – I suppose anything is possible. And I have heard it happening.

    For me though and in my experience working with so many women, it’s very unlikely.

    As for sex, most men want it. It’s hard wired into them. For a man to refuse sex in this kind of situation is rare. What feels concerning to me is the indifference I’m feeling in him through Amazed’s writings.

    As you mentioned, it’s all very early stages and too soon to really know much of anything.

    The thing is Amazed feels uncomfortable and rejected. And this is what’s important.

    (I apologize Amazed for talking about without your presence. )

    xxoo



  155.  #155Dominique on November 5, 2013 at 7:11 am

    There you are Amazed – If you can do this, relax and allow – wonderful. His behavior right now is only something to notice. It may or may not mean anything in particular.

    xxoo



  156.  #156Syreena on November 5, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Millie, fear isn’t always a bad thing, it can be a good thing and a gift when connected to intuition and then listened to and acted upon from a higher place of wise caution of what is in your higher best interest. Trust it.

    Also you maybe confusing fear with a sensible rational healthy level of caution and common sense



  157.  #157Amazed on November 5, 2013 at 7:23 am

    What I have realized that this issue is stemming from my own insecurity. I’m feeling rejected as a person when my advances are rejected but really he is not ready…I have to work on myself (as always!) Thanks for helping me see into myself sirens… 🙂



  158.  #158Millie on November 5, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Linda G.–Yes! it is a fine line and I walk it often. I am a bit of a risk taker and I can be bold. I love that about myself. I agree, learning not to send mixed messages is a skill, but I also feel that no matter what a woman ALWAYS has the right to say no and the right to say “I don’t feel comfortable with this” regardless of the message she’s been sending.

    Lisa- Thank you for validating my gut 🙂 It feels good to know other women would feel the same way in my situation. I have to trust how I feel, even in jest.

    Syreena–Thank you for calling BS! I felt like that was his way of saying he has no intentions with me…but time will tell on that. I also got the impression he was back-peddling after I held up the red light. I want a man with integrity, a man who is truthful, and a man who listens to me. Wanting to have sex right away and being open about it feels flattering and many men will try to have sex when they want vs. when a woman wants. I feel a lot better now about having set some boundaries and shared with him what I am and what I want.

    At this moment, I don’t feel attached to the outcome, I spoke sincerely and truthfully about me. On the date he said he doesn’t like a woman who does everything he says, who doesn’t think for herself, well……perhaps he got what he asked for.



  159.  #159Femininewoman on November 5, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Amazed I would sink into myself to see why I would be making advances.



  160.  #160Femininewoman on November 5, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Amazed I would say “wait him out”. That doesn’t feel sexy from here. I kinda suggests you putting your life on hold. Your sexual energy, I believe, is great and can be used to magnitize masculine energy towards you. I use my mind, talking sexy to myself, like “you badass sexy woman you” in the mirror. Then throw kisses at myself to put that kinda vibe out there. I like to experiment with those things to see what I can create. Waiting him out feels to me like energetically damping down yourself. Find a way, maybe CDate to put that energy out in the world.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on November 5, 2013 at 7:40 am

    *correction*

    I “wouldn’t” say wait him out.



  162.  #162Femininewoman on November 5, 2013 at 7:40 am

    So much typos

    “it kinda suggest”



  163.  #163Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Amazed’s situation is exactly the reason to circular date. With at least three, different guys will meet different needs. We add to our rotation to get them all met from many places. Eventually, a guy steps up that can meet them all.



  164.  #164BeLoved on November 5, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I have felt really p!ssed with a couple of guys the past couple of days.

    The first one, I feel pretty confident in how to handle, but what happened with him is similar to what I felt more deeply triggered by in the next guy.

    This is online –
    2nd msg from K, he mentions how other women all seem to have ‘custody’ during the week, and weekends free. I told him I felt uncomfortable hearing details of his dating situation, that I assume nothing is exclusive unless it’s explicitly tabled, and I didn’t want to hear any more.

    It felt like leaky boundaries to me and I wanted to head it off at the pass. I didn’t want to start out with a ‘friend’ vibe. His dating stuff is Not My Business nor do I want So he responded by giving me even MORE details. Apparently what he heard was a request for reassurance – which isn’t what I wanted and I feel PIST – I feel surprised and a little embarrassed at just how pist I feel that he misunderstood my discomfort as insecurity and gave me exactly what I DID NOT WANT!!

    So…
    my deeper trigger is, feeling reminded of
    hours and
    hours
    and
    hours
    of tedious, frustrating
    soul-killing
    processing with T.

    Just because I don’t want to hear what you have to say doesn’t mean I don’t understand where you are coming from! I have my own reasons!
    I feel pist.
    The story I am making up about this is…
    it is more important to him to maintain his image as a ‘good guy’ than to honor my feelings.

    Hm.
    I feel like I want to cry and throw up now, lol.

    I feel lighter now, though.
    More like…
    “I feel unheard and misunderstood. I don’t want reassurance ore



  165.  #165BeLoved on November 5, 2013 at 8:25 am

    ??

    or even MORE details. I get where you are coming from and I really don’t want to hear the details for my own reasons.”

    No, still feel pist.

    What do I need to see/feel/learn here?
    Hmm….
    I wonder…



  166.  #166April Rose on November 5, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Andrea,
    Wow. I feel excited reading about your evening in the bar.

    I have just one tweak! Only because I just heard Rori talking to Allana, and Rori said to give a guy your number (or a business card with a number on it). She said to avaoid Facebook interaction because it is too intense.



  167.  #167April Rose on November 5, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Oh, to love someone so very much.
    And… to feel that key aspects of my ideal relationship are absent….

    From listening to Rori talk to Allana, I am pondering on the difference between two people ‘hanging out’ (in their lives, and in my case sharing a home), and the deep intimacy of a real and connected, courageous relationship.



  168.  #168April Rose on November 5, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Beloved,

    Perhaps he needs more simple direct language
    “I don’t want to hear about other women from someone I’m dating. It feels icky”.



  169.  #169April Rose on November 5, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Linda G,

    I really like this. It feels clear and easy:

    “With at least three, different guys will meet different needs. We add to our rotation to get them all met from many places. Eventually, a guy steps up that can meet them all.”



  170.  #170April Rose on November 5, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Indigo,

    My heart tells me I deserve to feel good and cherished all the time.
    With him, I feel like this only some of the time.



  171.  #171Indigo on November 5, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Andrea,

    I adored your post 137! 🙂



  172.  #172Amazed on November 5, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Dominique #150 you can always go ahead and discuss me..lol I need direction and appreciate everything you say.
    FW #160 I agree I do need to get back into CDing…I’m at the point in my life where I am going to CD at least myself again. That feels good to me. 🙂 I don’t like the idea of waiting him out either…makes me too dependent on him and the outcome.
    And FW #159 I was making advances because we were in the same bed….half naked and I could feel him on me and I was completely turned on…anyway….probably too much info. Sorry ladies. : P



  173.  #173Andrea on November 5, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    April Rose 166… Don’t I wish I would have thought of that.. : )
    I really don’t like Facebook interaction and he caught me off guard when he asked for that instead of my number. But the way I look at all of it now is this: It’s not about getting the guy, but it’s all about how each experience with every different man is all really just ONE experience with ME. Every different interaction I have with every different man, leads me to a newer, brighter place of love with in myself…. well.. if I let it. It felt good to get a message from Michael, and it feels good today to sit here by myself, sipping hot coffee, watching snow flakes fall onto the lake and know that I’m safe, I’m okay, I’m loved… Anyway, I’m still waxing romantic on myself.

    Thank you ladies. I really really enjoy this blog!!



  174.  #174Andrea on November 5, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Also, I think that’s my next.. “lesson”

    How do I go from meeting someone really great, having a wonderful first encounter.. to having that person actually ASK ME OUT ON A DATE!!!

    I’ve had experience with online dating. Men ask me out and then continue to ask me out. I’ve had experience where that first encounter.. meeting someone at a bar or dance club turns into an all nighter and then that experience kind of melds into a somewhat dysfunctional relationship.

    But I would like to meet someone like Michael, in my town, have a great conversation that isn’t about sex, and learn how to inspire him to ask for me phone number, then actually call me, then actually ask me out on an actual date. Now.. that’s my goal for the next couple of months. : ) Wish me luck. hah!!



  175.  #175Millie on November 5, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Andrea! totally do-able!!! That is a great goal and I’m sure it will come to you 🙂

    Beloved–I like your idea of creating a “story.”
    I’m going to create a story about the mechanic and I…

    I feel like a ripe, delicious peach, blushing pink and orange with soft fuzz…haha. He can’t help but desire a taste, a touch, to caress it. It is so dizzying he can’t help but try to “pick” it to hold it in his hands for himself. I’m not ready to fall from the vine…
    Haha! I feel like a peach. It’s silly, but true…



  176.  #176Smile on November 5, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    🙁 I feel low today,

    I want to calm my suspicious mind.
    I’m like a detective. Always suspecting and investigating. But no real evidence? Evidence for what? Nothing… It’s all in my suspicious mind. Fictitious nonsense I’ve made up.
    Time and time again my suspicious thoughts are proved ridiculous and I laugh that I ever had such a thought. Then I feel guilty I thought that in the first place. Then I feel relief I never voiced these suspicions and left them as just that. Happy I’ve not spoilt things. That’s what I’ve done in the past, spoilt things. I don’t want to do that again.
    I must calm my mind and choose trust but with my eyes open… Just incase my suspicions were right.

    🙁

    … Ramblings a of my suspicious mind. Thanks for listening blog.



  177.  #177Dominique on November 5, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Smile – http://sexandheart.com/snooping-on-your-man/

    this may help you stop this pattern of thinking.

    xxoo



  178.  #178Smile on November 5, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    What makes me feel the most scared? The ease and availability of the Internet.



  179.  #179Smile on November 5, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Thanks Dominique, I think I know where tonight’s insecurity has come from. I scrolled down on your article, I found posts from myself. The one and only time I did snoop, what I found is what has led to all these suspicions I’m having 4 months on. He sends me picture messages, mostly they come through personised eg with my name in a message etc, but everynow and then I get one that has no kiss at the end and is ‘general’ this makes me feel like I’m not the only one receiving it? He is away at the minute. I’ve done so well up until now to keep consciously choosing trust.



  180.  #180M.O.G on November 5, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Please allow me to add my two cents coming from a man’s perspective. Did he lie? Yes of course. Men usually only admit to what they know they’ve been actually caught doing. The rule (deny deny deny) So yes he lied to you. It was a slap in the face. I wouldn’t call what he did an addiction. A lot of men frequent the internet and those kinds of sites. It’s kinda like a safe way of cheating. He treats you great and for a man to bring tears…well unless he was captain of his drama club, he has real emotions and feelings for you. If you really care about him I wouldn’t necessarily though that relationship away. Sometimes almost losing someone you truly love or care about is enough to scare you straight. In relationships, sometimes men get bored. You can be the most wonderful girlfriend ever. The thought of a new experience with a new woman is like the tantalizing carrot on a string. Interacting in a sexual way via emails, pictures etc can be an interesting way to spice up a good yet mundane relationship. At least on his part. It could have been harmless fun at your expense unfortunately, or it could actually lead to a physical encounter. If you love him then give him a chance to show you he learned his lesson. There is no massive intervention needed to help the boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and got whacked by mama for it. Besides he didn’t eat the cookie. That could be enough to set him straight. However if it is some kind of addiction then your in for a bumpy ride. I say again if your in love give him a chance to show you better. If not don’t waste your time and keep it moving! God bless !



  181.  #181Zia on November 5, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    174 Andrea – I love that! I’m going to aim for that too!



  182.  #182BeLoved on November 5, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    April Rose – really, I’m just not going to work that hard. We aren’t dating, it was only our second online msg and he’s already been difficult.
    He asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee, then said oh, he’s not available for a couple of weeks.
    Mmm..okay.

    In the meantime, I set up a date for Friday and anticipate another for this weekend or the next 🙂

    I mostly felt the need to feel through and riff a bit on the trigger, because it reminded me so much of my ex and I cried out a pocket of grief when I sank into it.
    So. Much. Time. Wasted. Utterly, utterly wasted with the ex, having eternal conversations on the fast train to Nowhere Good.

    I feel sooo glad that’s over.
    So. Happy.
    🙂

    April Rose – did you keep shaking after the ashram?
    I’ve been shaking nearly every day since my retreat and Stuff Is Happening.
    It’s like I was constantly running away from myself and trying to hide in a corner but never really realized the impact it was having until I started shaking. I was avoiding so much pain, and came face to face with some of my yucky patterns and moved through them. I’m getting ready to shake in a bit as a matter of fact, I LOVE it. I haven’t ever gotten the ‘electric’ or whatever, but I’ve definitely grown and matured very quickly in some ways in a short period of time.



  183.  #183BeLoved on November 5, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Ahhh…nice…two dates, all set up, nice and easy…just how I like it.

    Andrea – I was just wondering, a few days ago, whether I needed to do EFT or what I needed to do to shift my vibe around getting asked for dates. I didn’t tap on it, but I have practiced being in wonder and curiosity about it…and suddenly, I have 3 actual real date prospects, and two dates set up in just a few hours. Coming from ZERO dates made online in the past 7 months since I’ve been using online dating.

    Much more attention than usual, easier and flirtier than before.

    Interesting, yes? 😀



  184.  #184LoveAlways on November 5, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    I am a bundle of feelings and feeling everything all at once and finally I am balancing in my soup. This is wonderful!



  185.  #185LINDA on November 5, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    FW @ 107 “trade off”. That is a good and accurate observation.

    I do feel like I have been weighing options. I keep hoping I will find my answer and direction but it simply is not happening.

    Maybe I am asking the wrong questions, considering the wrong things.

    I long for easy and simple and peace. I long for harmony with my decisions in my heart and my family. I want freedom to decide my direction and not hear…”I hope you are not making a big mistake from my mother”…or “If you do that.. I cant support that mom”… or “I want you to be happy HA!.. yeah that is a conditional wish at best.

    What am I willing to trade? I feel frozen.



  186.  #186Lisa on November 5, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    I’m so sick, my head hurts my ears hurt… yuk.. and the men are coming out of the woodwork…

    I have no energy for all of them this week…

    “G2” said call me when you feel better…

    “S” has the sweetest e-mails…. they make me smile.. he said he will call to set up a date soon

    “C” called tonight unexpected while I was late for an appt. He is the jacuzzi man.. I thought he was gone…

    “D” called last night to hear my giggle and said oh your sick you don’t feel good.. and has been checking on me…

    I can handle all this when I’m feeling better… but not now….

    Inquiry tonight was sooo good.. I just love love love looking inward… so yummmy… it feels so loving to me.

    @ Millie <3 always… our feminine power is so awesome… I'm really working on honing in on my gut quicker.. and honoring it more…

    @Linda {[[hugs}}} <3

    OXOX



  187.  #187Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Do we reay have to trade? Should ‘t we feel, not that we are giving up something to get another, but that the presence of the new option transforms our old ideas?



  188.  #188Lisa on November 5, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    @Beloved <3 so wondeful!! I love nice and easy…

    @Millie Peach that sounds wonderful!!! I like that analogy… <3



  189.  #189Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    And what is wrong with wanting everything, feeling we deserve everything?



  190.  #190Veronica on November 5, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    T- girl, congratulations : ) and thank you for sharing your good news, it gives me hope. Marrying the love of your life – wow, such happiness. I wish you a long and blissful marriage.

    Lisa – I hope you feel better soon. Your energy over the last few threads feels like you’re in such a wonderful growing place, and so there’s a sweet pleasure in reading your posts.



  191.  #191Veronica on November 5, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Indigo – 116 – Hi! Thank you for the hugs, they’re much appreciated. I feel excited and am smiling as I read about your future plans. It is a different energy that propels itself so easily – doing what you love. I really don’t know what makes corporate life so soul-diminishing. I hope your rituals will soothe your days at work.

    I feel warm chest smily feelings hearing that you were inspired – I want to shout out a big ‘yes!’ in delight, to conspiring to make what we love present in our everyday lives. I feel inspired too – I’ve put more pictures of paintings up in my room – and they’re like this quiet beauty song that gets into the very air and gives me love every time I look at them. I feel I can look into the very ‘soul’ of the painting – its own particular sensuality. And I feel the desire in me growing to add what I love in as many situations as possible – I’ve also arrived early for a date and went to a bookstore to look at pictures of art. On the weekend I drove past a gallery and thought about not going to the date and going to the exhibition instead. Having the opportunity to speak about this here feels so good to me, thank you so much!!

    I’d like to know more about ‘unsafe’ people to speak to, as I’m not exactly sure and am starting to project my own meaning into this.

    I send love up into the air to you



  192.  #192Veronica on November 5, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Indigo – 116 – Hi! Thank you for the hugs, they’re much appreciated. I feel excited and am smiling as I read about your future plans. It is a different energy that propels itself so easily – doing what you love. I really don’t know what makes corporate life so soul-diminishing. I hope your rituals will soothe your days at work.

    I feel warm chest smily feelings hearing that you were inspired – I want to shout out a big ‘yes!’ to conspiring to make what we love present in our everyday lives. I feel inspired too – I’ve put more pictures of paintings up in my room – and they’re like this quiet beauty song that gets into the very air and gives me love every time I look at them. I feel I can look into the very ‘soul’ of the painting – its own particular sensuality. And I feel the desire in me growing to add what I love in as many situations as possible – I’ve also arrived early for a date and went to a bookstore to look at pictures of art. On the weekend I drove past a gallery and thought about not going to the date and going to the exhibition instead. Having the opportunity to speak about this here feels so good to me, thank you so much!!

    I’d like to know more about ‘unsafe’ people to speak to, as I’m not exactly sure and am starting to project my own meaning into this.

    I send love up into the air to you



  193.  #193Andrea on November 5, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    I just felt a deep question surrounding that..
    What is the difference… Or how big is the gap in the space between wanting everything, feeling we deserve everything, and actually.. allowing everything. ???

    I do feel like I’m at the place now where I am very conscious (finally) about what I want. I’ve not been in this place where men and dating are concerned. So I think that knowing what I want, then feeling I actually deserve what I want, then living in the feelings of having what I want will create the space for what I want to show up. Let’s see what happens!!

    : ) Watch out world!



  194.  #194Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Oh yuck! I sent my “truth” email to the guy I was seeing and walked away from when he violated my boundaries. I felt I needed to express myself. But he sees it as reaching out, wants to met, says he is insulted, and I need to tell him about my personal history.

    Was I trying to manipulate him, toy with him? I regret my email. What to do? Was I bing cruel and taunting?



  195.  #195Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I was hoping it would make me feel better to express myself, instead it has revitalized my angst



  196.  #196Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Comments? Advice? I told you so’s?



  197.  #197Andrea on November 5, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    What is a “truth” email?

    And I have no advice, just know that I totally understand how you feel. I’ve done that before thinking that if I just get this off my mind by writing all this stuff to “the him of the moment” that it will make me feel… better, free, vindicated, heard, right, done, etc.

    It never works. I started to realize that what I was looking for was a feeling. And I learned that no matter what “he” did, he could never give me that feeling. I had to find it with in me. And that meant that writing to him, and his response had nothing to do with the feeling. I could get it myself.

    I stopped engaging. It didn’t matter at what point in the conversation we were at. It didn’t matter whether I had started it or whether he expected an answer. It didn’t matter if I felt the need to “explain” myself.
    If engaging in “him” or in the conversation in any way makes me feel in any way icky… I just stop. I turn it off. Like a faucet. Shut it off and engage in something else. Time goes by and who cares what he thinks. I’m the thinker in my world. I’m the feeler in my world. My thoughts and feelings and emotions are really the only ones that create change in my world, they are the only ones that affect my progress and my joy.

    I’ve been practicing this alot lately. I just stop communicating. Guess what?? They don’t stop breathing…… they go on with their lives too.

    : ) I totally understand though.



  198.  #198Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    Andrea, sigh…thank you for responding. I guess I hoped he would prove me wrong, rise to the occassion, understand how traumatized I felt when he drove me to his house against my will. I couldn’t articulate it at the time and I just broke off contact with him.
    I should have left it at that, my friends made me question how I could let go of a guy who was so crazy about me.
    Dominique was right, he never listened before, why would he now.



  199.  #199Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    I just remembered from out of the blue how RR hung the phone up on her then boyfriend (now husband) when he had “wronged” her by taking a call (which she knew meant that he was dating her) from another woman. Whatever the details were it doesn’t matter, the point being is that he snapped to and stepped up and started treating her with respect….because she demanded it.

    I had a similar experience tonight. I had a date and when we talked it was clear that he had made no plans about where when and I was exasperated and expressed it on the phone. Then when he picked me up after work (which by that point I was dreading), as it turns out he made reservations at an awesome restaurant and was bending over backwards for me all night. Even though I was royal bitch from hell and was angry as **** one minute and crying the next, yes literally. Wow, I really thought he would have ended the date right there and then but instead he drove over an hour out of his way to get me back to my car. Really? Wow! Point being is that they won’t give you respect unless you demand it from them and also this stuff works, because I was a basket case and he loved it! hahahahahha!!!!



  200.  #200Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I just remembered from out of the blue how RR hung the phone up on her then boyfriend (now husband) when he had “wronged” her by taking a call (which she knew meant that he was dating her) from another woman. Whatever the details were it doesn’t matter, the point being is that he snapped to and stepped up and started treating her with respect….because she demanded it.

    I had a similar experience tonight. I had a date and when we talked it was clear that he had made no plans about where when and I was exasperated and expressed it on the phone. Then when he picked me up after work (which by that point I was dreading), as it turns out he made reservations at an awesome restaurant and was bending over backwards for me all night. Even though I was royal beeeotch from hell and was angry as **** one minute and crying the next, yes literally. Wow, I really thought he would have ended the date right there and then but instead he drove over an hour out of his way to get me back to my car. Really? Wow! Point being is that they won’t give you respect unless you demand it from them and also this stuff works, because I was a basket case and he loved it! hahahahahha!!!!



  201.  #201Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    no sex = red flag…and I would be extremely cautious and sit back and observe his behavior, sorry but this doesn’t bode well at all! Pisses me off actually! Run do not walk to the nearest exit! Just my 2 cents! But this is coming from someone who has had up to here with men I’ve been meeting recently.

    Signed,

    too much wine



  202.  #202Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    note to self: do not put carrot signs in messages here, they won’t show up! Argghhhh!!! so pissed! I think I just need a sexy affair all this stuff is too heavy!!!



  203.  #203Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    i have a date with a DR next week…and I’m sure he will be a big disappointment like all the rest…I really wonder what the hell I’m doing sometimes!!! REally!!! F!



  204.  #204Linda G on November 5, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    I remember that story about Rori’s guy. I was hoping this guy would turn around and do something big, not tell me my anger insulted him and it’s due to my not revealing my past.

    His first email was somewhat apologetic, promising to back off with the badgering about going to his place. But he still doesn’t get why I minded being taken against my will.

    Signed
    Drama Queen aka Not Enough Wine



  205.  #205Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Linda G: LOL! Hang in there, girl! He obviously cares about you but is having a hard time communicating/expressing it! I dunno but maybe you should cut him some slack unless you feel unsafe…in that case then just move on and no more contact…just my 2 cents…

    signed,

    getting some more wine



  206.  #206Liquid Light on November 5, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Thanks RR blog, for giving me the courage to be vulnerable…its a very cool thing!



  207.  #207Janet on November 6, 2013 at 12:09 am

    He does seem to care about you but you do need to take care of your own heart first now. I wouldn’t just give up on the guy just yet though. You might still be able to get over this together and it may just make your relationship way stronger.



  208.  #208Eve on November 6, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Today I feel heart broken again. And I don’t know why, do I really want him…. He said if I want to go I’m free to do so. I said thank you for letting me know that and turned off the chat. We were together for two years and a bit and I always felt powerful just until about 6months ago he turned into some kind of toxic guy. Maybe that’s what I’m currently attracted to..my dad never loved me and never was present in my life and blah blah. don’t really want to know why, just want to pour my heart out and heal. I don’t want to be attracted to these shitty men. There were times I didn’t want him that much but somehow stick to him probably because deep down I always knew he’s a toxic man. But for me he always was just a “temporary thing”… for him he always wanted me forever..then he turned toxic and then it turned around. OMG why the heck he’s even on my mind and heart now. OUT!!! it’s been 2 months very long distance now and only texting. No calls whatsoever (even on my BD) and I talked about it twice with calm feeling messages. Nothing. I’m a gorgeous 23 year old that makes men heads turn around when walking. I’ve got all eyes on me, still was sticking with this dick (sorry for the language I just want to yell out). I don’t want to get married yet I need to realize that everything is OK. I’m safe and I will be safe and happy and loved if I let it happen. I need to heal and work on my life and my self and my confidence, self-esteem and all this stuff.

    Regarding this post what I noticed is that I somehow want to punish myself (deep down of course). I sometimes used to spend time looking up on the internet, his phone or whatsoever to find some kind of information that he’s cheating or has a contact with his ex and of course I would find something “suspicious” and would say yeyyy I knew it. and other thing that I also noticed is that I don’t want (deep down of course again) normal loving relationship I just want to make someone go crazy about me, come pleading to me to take them back and stuff like that. All because of that childhood stuff. So I believe inner me that isn’t healed is attracting this kind of shit. I want to heal it so I attract and actually really WANT nice, loving and loyal men and become able to become the woman I want- the strong surrender! I wish my self luck and to all women.



  209.  #209Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Teaching oneself to feel vulnerable, there is a difference between vulnerable and weak. In this instance, for me, I leaned so far back and think I gave up too much.

    I backed myself into a corner, and came out swinging.

    Signed, too early for wine



  210.  #210Cris on November 6, 2013 at 3:39 am

    Hello ladies,
    I must admit I have difficulties in understanding the concepts here “vulnerable” and “hard inside-soft outside”… definition of vulnerable is “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt”… in that case, you could not be hard in the inside! Unless it is not a real vulnerability but a faked vulnerability…
    Any guidance on this will be appreciated

    Thanks!



  211.  #211Linda on November 6, 2013 at 3:43 am

    @186… Really wish it was that simple. It might be if I lived in a vaccumm. I want relationship with my family just as much as I want the love relationship of my life too.
    —–
    I absolutely do not know how to make “space” for that.

    —-
    @196….

    If engaging in “him” or in the conversation in any way makes me feel in any way icky… I just stop. I turn it off. Like a faucet. Shut it off and engage in something else. Time goes by and who cares what he thinks. I’m the thinker in my world. I’m the feeler in my world. My thoughts and feelings and emotions are really the only ones that create change in my world, they are the only ones that affect my progress and my joy.

    These words feels like a box of thoughts with very sharp edges.



  212.  #212Linda on November 6, 2013 at 3:52 am

    As much as I would like to believe it is not necessary. There are trade offs in life. Decisions to be made and life to live in the wake of them.



  213.  #213Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 3:56 am

    Sometimes family gets in the way of outside relationships. For me, it has been the need for family approval, the unwarranted, or sometimes asked for advice that makes me second guess my choices.

    It is difficult to maintain boundaries within my family, picture if you will, a family of directors, executive thinkers, control freaks. Makes one mad

    Maturity on everyone’s part has historically led to tempered judgment, acceptance and respect



  214.  #214Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 3:57 am

    Trade offs=priorities



  215.  #215Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 4:00 am

    As women, we are notorious for making concessions



  216.  #216Michelle on November 6, 2013 at 4:28 am

    Hi,

    please can you help? My boyfriend always comments on women. He used to always make his excitement known at the sight of any hot woman. Since I told him to stop that, he hasn’t shown any sexual excitement toward them anymore but now he still says stuff that bothers me 🙁 Like the other day we were chatting about neighbours and how close relationship should be maintained with them. Both of us agree that it’s best not to get tooooo friendly because some neighbours can become pests. Anyway, he was saying how his previous neighbour used to tell him that they should go out for a drink and stuff but he wouldn’t go. His neighbour was an elderly man. Then my boyfriend said, if he was a hot blonde then he would’ve gone and encouraged to go out more often. So I realise that he just jokes like that, so I laughed it off even though I wasn’t impressed. He also looks at women when we are in public. I understand that every man looks at other women and I have no problem with it. I wish he would just be discreet about it. Now he gapes and stares and I feel like an idiot 🙁 Last time I mentioned all this to him, he said he didn’t realise I was a weak person and he will stop but I don’t think it’s being weak. I’m human and only so much I can take. Am I overreacting? please help 🙁



  217.  #217April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 4:45 am

    Advice please!!!!!

    Woke up dreaming of my first love from school. Haven’t seen him in 25 years.

    Had a look on FB and for the first time, I found him!

    He lives in another country and is married.
    I feel shaky and wobbly and all kinds of strange feelings.

    Should I send him a friend request? I would really like to connect with him. I want to apologise for being mean to him the last time we met (at a school reunion 25 years ago!)



  218.  #218Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 5:05 am

    Linda G.

    He doesn’t get why you are upset being put in a situation where you had somthing done against your will. He tried to control you and make you do something you didn’t want to.

    HUGE HUGE HUGE READ FLAG.

    You trusted him and got in a car with him tellinh him you did not want to go to his home yet. He went against your wishes. He does not have your best interest at heart or care about what you want and feel ready for.

    He felt insulted. His feelings his problem not yours. And for him to take care of

    He broke that trust.
    Your instinct is spot ON! Listen to it!

    If he doesn’t listen to your NO when he asks you to do something that you don’t want to and tries to make you do it anyway that is HUGE RED FLAG!

    He has to earn your trust. He blew it.

    He broke it by taking you somewhere you had declined.
    So now to take loving care of yourself and put your trust in youself taking full responsibility you don’t put yourself in that situation again. Don’t get in a car with him again. Take care of yourself. Hugs.



  219.  #219Dominique on November 6, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Cris – 206 – Hard on the inside means a strong self esteem and a sure confidence. It does not mean hardened.

    xxoo



  220.  #220Sirana on November 6, 2013 at 5:47 am

    I am going back through all of Rori’s Reconnect Your Relationship CDs. They are so helpful. I immediately feel more relaxed and feel the ability to pull the attention back to me instead of the intense focus on my man and how he feels about me. In just 2 days of doing this, I have already seen a bit of a shift in my man. He started moving towards me inside the energy bubble. We made love last night and it was awesome. My focus was on me and so was his. We both loved it.
    Here is my question- My man is a communicator. I feel that he will eventually ask me “why the change in my personality”. What is the best response to this question?



  221.  #221Cris on November 6, 2013 at 5:55 am

    @Dominique thanks, I think I have self-esteen and can also be hurt. Yes



  222.  #222Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 6:15 am

    April Rose, I have done that, reconnected with an ex on FB
    It triggered me in all the wrong ways, in the “why not me” “should have could have been me” , “why don’t I have a husband, family, etc…” Nothing for me to gain but the feeling of being locked out of a luxury shop no one will buzz to let me in



  223.  #223Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Syreena

    Thanks!!!!!!!

    Here is another instance where family and friends made me think I made the wrong decision to cut it off, made me feel no one else will step up and like me, treat me as well, that it’s my fault for not wanting to sleep with him yet

    I can do better, I will, I won’t be bullied or convinced to back on my instincts

    Syreena, huge hugs of thanks, for listening, for responding



  224.  #224T-Girl on November 6, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Thank you everyone for your congrats and well wishes 🙂



  225.  #225Femininewoman on November 6, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Sirana – for me the response would be because it feels good to me feeling all soft and feminine. I feel more alive. How about you? How do you feel being this way?



  226.  #226Femininewoman on November 6, 2013 at 6:47 am

    April Rose what if he doesn’t accept the apology?

    Yet I suspect that if you friend request him, it will raise your vibration. It seems an exciting possibility to reconnect with an old friend.



  227.  #227Femininewoman on November 6, 2013 at 6:52 am

    RE 184 – Linda reading that I feel heavy. I am left with the thought “live your life for you”. Maybe there is something about you that suggests that you need external validation. I am reminded of brave, bold and raw. So I am thinking “how about doing it anyway regardless if what anyone says”. What will happen? Even if the earth falls apart it will come back together again.

    Why do you need your kid’s support?
    Why do you need your mom’s support?
    Seems somehow your life is tethered to their opinions



  228.  #228April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 7:31 am

    T-girl,

    I would like to add my congratulations and well wishes.
    Yay you!!! I feel happy and inspired…. 🙂



  229.  #229April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I think I will send him a friend request.
    But first, I want to feel my way through all the feelings that are coming up.

    I was fifteen when he asked me out. It took me a while to like him because my heart was with another boy! But I said yes and went out with him because he was the school heart throb.
    He chose me and I wasn’t that interested!

    I tested his affections constantly. I wanted him to prove his love.

    We broke up because he was a young man who wanted to start having sex, and I didn’t want to. Far too many fears around that at age 16.



  230.  #230April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 7:38 am

    FW
    He will accept the apology, I am sure of that. He is very kind and patient and, from what I remember, excellent relationship material. If only we had met when I was more mature….sigh….



  231.  #231Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Here’s a tidbit from what I’ve learned over the last few months post-move and post-breakup. There are tons of men out there to date. Date a bunch of men, put yourself out there in every way possible and you find tons of men out there. Their true character will emerge pretty quickly, be extremely observant and don’t sweep things under the rug. If something bothers you, pay attention, and try to figure out why. But if it doesn’t sit right with you that’s a good enough reason to move on. But please don’t get hung up on someone who doesn’t treat you well, is an a-hole, is angry, is mean, is abusive. There are so many men out there to choose from but we have to be courageous and get out there and meet them. I highly recommend things like speed dating (fantastic), Match mixers (also fantastic), meetups, etc. Also if you are in a small town and the dating pool is limited, I recommend (and RR does too) moving to a bigger city as I did. If your love life is important to you then its worth making this change. I’m so glad I did since now I’m realizing that there TONS of men out there.



  232.  #232Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 10:04 am

    LL:
    Go Team Siren! Now let’s get out there and lean way back…..



  233.  #233Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 10:05 am

    You’re welcome Linda G.



  234.  #234Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Linda G: LOL! Go Team!!! 🙂



  235.  #235Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I feel triggered by Aprils post of friend requesting a married man who was an ex.

    I would not want to tolerate a man who I was married to accepting a friend request from an ex. And PMessaging them. That would feel awful to me.

    I would never feel comfortable initiating and leaning forward by friend requesting an ex or a married man.

    Sounds like load of grief just waiting to happen to me.



  236.  #236Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Sounds like playing with fire to me risking someone getting harmed and burned.



  237.  #237Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 10:17 am

    I agree, Syreena, I also don’t think its appropriate.



  238.  #238April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Syreena,

    I feel triggered by your comments.
    And I wonder, what makes you lean toward the negative scenario as your first response….?



  239.  #239April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 10:22 am

    I imagine most people to be curious as to their first love, and where they are/what they are doing now.

    He is hardly an ‘ex’. We were children, for heaven’s sake!

    Sometimes I feel so shaky and annoyed by seriousness and judgement.



  240.  #240Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 10:23 am

    April Rose, just look for your answer in the mirror. Why are you flirting with a married man? Don’t you want more for yourself than that?



  241.  #241Indigo on November 6, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Veronica,

    Thank you so much for your sweet, sweet comment.

    I’m so drained by my job today I can barely stand, and I’ve realized that I’m not helping people! Especially if I end up totally burned out!

    But I’ve prayed and I know that I will get into something which makes enough money, where I am valued, where I can use my skills and gifts, where I can help people and which energises me.

    I was not born for the corporate world at all.

    Love & (((hugs))) to you x



  242.  #242Indigo on November 6, 2013 at 10:50 am

    April Rose,

    This situation you are asking about is something which I have realized everyone will approach differently…

    Do what feels right to you.

    xx



  243.  #243Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 11:16 am

    It feels normal to me to feel negative towards situations that I find negative, It would make no sense to me to feel positive towards something that felt bad.

    And it would feel bad to me to be friend requesting, chasing and trying to initiate an emotional connection with a married man behind his wifes back.

    If I were the wife it would also feel bad to me if my husband accepted the invite and engaged in PM messaging like that with other women.

    I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who did that,

    Maybe you would April. I wouldn’t

    And maybe you feel ok doing it I wouldn’t.

    So if you want to do that and feel ok with it then that is up to you and your choice.

    Feels bad to me.



  244.  #244Amazed on November 6, 2013 at 11:27 am

    April Rose – I too was curious about my first crush in high school. So I friended him on FB (we were both married) and we started talking. We chatted back and forth for quite a while…I was telling him about my failed marriage and he was telling me about his disappointment that he couldn’t have kids. I don’t know what happened but shortly after he unfriended me and that was the end of that. I think you just have to look and see what your motivation for contacting him is. I know for myself I was interested to see where he was in his life and I was still interested in him. I don’t think it was healthy for either one of us to be talking since we were both married.



  245.  #245Indigo on November 6, 2013 at 11:52 am

    I still feel it can be totally innocent, and that it depends on the individuals.

    I fully understand that many women wouldn’t want their husbands talking to women behind their backs, and I used to feel that way. However I’ve realized that some men are simply social and get very energized by talking to others… they cannot get all of their social needs met by their wives. Some men are able to communicate with women in a way which is just social and goes no further. These women are not necessarily threats, is how I feel. And I would never want to forbid my man from doing something if I trusted him. If he is actually cheating or flirting that is a different matter.

    For instance, my ex-husband and I chat frequently over IM at work even though he is married, and it has never gone any further and never would. We chat because we are bored, or need a listening ear, or are simply sociable creatures. And we are exes! Yet we would never cross the line.

    I’m just saying, it can be done.

    April Rose, I still go with, do what feels right for you.

    *hugs*



  246.  #246Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    there are so many men out there, why would anyone waste time with a married one? go deep within to answer this question…

    you may not like the answer though



  247.  #247Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    OK, I know what I’m talking about. I used to flirt/have my eyes on married men, especially at work. I don’t do this anymore. Why? Because I realize that I felt rotten about myself and didn’t have higher expectations for myself. Now I do. I wish someone had slapped some sense into me then so that’s why I’m posting about this so hard here. Plus we don’t know each other on this anonymous blog so I think we can and deserve to be brutally honest with each other even if its not what we want to hear. Chances are we won’t hear the truth from our friends. (Especially not my friends who tend be driven by jealousy and insecurity. So f’n tired of that and will prob go through a purging very soon. Just an aside.)



  248.  #248Indigo on November 6, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Liquid Light 241,

    For myself, because I do not desire anything romantic with him, nor he with me. We are just friends. And he is easy to talk to.

    x



  249.  #249Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Yes, Indigo, I was talking about flirtation and ulterior motives/expectations.



  250.  #250April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    LL,

    It’s a case of what you choose to emphasise. I find it a bit insulting to my history and my delicate experiences to simply call this person a ‘married man’. How silly that sounds. I feel like slapping you!! Haha

    (Now please don’t go on about violence. I only feel like slapping you. And I couldn’t slap you anyway seeing as how you are a virtual person and don’t really exist)

    I know this forum is virtual, yet I feel surprised at how vulnerable I feel having asked my question here.



  251.  #251April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Indigo,

    Thank you for your support. It feels so valuable to have a non-judgemental voice understanding individul women’s differences. Like Rori does.



  252.  #252April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    LL,

    When did you decide what my motives and expectations were?

    I feel repelled by your judgement.



  253.  #253April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    I feel like slapping you for jumping to conclusions.

    I feel angry, and nauseous.



  254.  #254April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Indigo,

    I’m feeling warmed reading about your exchanges with your ex-husband. To me that reads as two mature adults perceiving each other as human beings first and foremost.

    There is far too much hysteria on here, from women who appear to have some fixed concept of the ‘ex’.

    If I have high self-esteem (which I am fast growing into), then I am not going to feel threatened by my man talking to ANYONE. And that feels good and secure.



  255.  #255Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    well we are all entitled to our own opinions. Its a blog, no one knows each other here. Don’t take it so seriously, your extreme reaction does make me wonder though.



  256.  #256Veronica on November 6, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Indigo – 236 – : )

    I hope you’ll find your energies restored soon. I’ve noticed that the corporate world does not understand the nature of human productivity – people can’t be worked to exhaustion and then expected to deliver.

    My feeling is that people really need to have that witnessed to them – someone living out their passion, being sustained by that energy.

    Please take care, burnout can creep up in one’s body even if one takes an occasional rest – it happened to a friend of mine.

    Hugs to you x



  257.  #257April Rose on November 6, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    I feel strongly when people ‘decide’ for me what my motives are. It makes me feel unsafe and misunderstood.

    Takes me back to childhood, I guess. My story goes I got punished for things I didn’t do. Things that other people assumed I’d done.

    Assumption, for me feels dangerous.



  258.  #258Veronica on November 6, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I had moments today when I felt such pain – at times it felt like a very physical clenching in my stomach. I recognize the worries I had and they’re the same that I had before BM. Yet, when I try to list my worries they seem fugitive, as in my feeling of pain persists and the anxiety of not doing something signals something else. I am yet to accept that this is exactly where I should be, that this is the best place for me right now. As someone said to me once, happiness is where you are.



  259.  #259Eve1 on November 6, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    trying to fall in love with someone who I don’t find physically attractive but treats me like the queen. that is something I need now. someone to love me and treat the best… a puppy dog guy. need to heal



  260.  #260BlueRedLove on November 6, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Thanks for all of the hugs, Ladies. I needed them today for I was feeling a bit low.



  261.  #261Sophie on November 6, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    For me it can feel wonderful sometimes contacting someone from my past – it is a re-connection with who I used to be and only some people shared that part of my life with me and it feels nice to come back together even if its just to share a long forgotten joke – it can feel very warm almost like a brief integration of all the different ages

    Other times that person can be changed and then it can feel disorientating and splintered

    Linda G – I agreed with Syreena’s response to you



  262.  #262Sophie on November 6, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    (((Veronica))) I’m trying to work with the sensations in my body much more and trying not to attribute meaning to them because theyre beyond my cognitive though x its new to me – reverse listening to the body and ignoring the mind x letting the body do the healing through its own voice x I’m excited to see how I can shift through this rather than going straight into my mind like I always do x



  263.  #263Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you for your input, Sophie.

    I gave my experience on the FB thing earlier. A. word of caution, the internet invites more than connection, it invites relationships based on fantasy, which we know do not serve us.

    Also, emails on facebook are no longer private, the system piblishes them randomly on public timelines



  264.  #264Shina on November 6, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    This topic RR wrote about — men contacting other women online and lying about it……. my god it’s like an epidemic going on out there. WTF?! Even on the wedding blogs that I’m a part of, there are SO many women who are engaged/married who post their pain and shock over discovering that their men were/are contacting women online in a sexual manner behind their backs. And now they’re wondering what to do about their relationships, because before the horrible discovery 99% of the women swear their men treated them really well, there were no problems/issues in the relationship, and that they were in love.

    I’m a little shocked and also not surprised that this topic has come to Rori’s attention.

    Everytime I read about something like this, I feel a lot of pain in my heart — esp because I feel so bad for the women who are going through this. I also feel fear deep inside, because….. what if it happened to me? How well do I know the man I agreed to marry? What would I do if this happened to me?

    My answer is no. NO f*ing way. One strike and that’s it.

    I know some people who’ve worked things out and learned to pull through the lying and cheating. Right at this very moment, I am not one of those people. Maybe somewhere down the road, if I evolve into someone who could somehow forgive and see the good in my cheating man to move past it than…..maybe. But at this very moment, I am not that woman. And I absolutely accept that about myself.

    I believe in the Law of Attraction, and that if you want something in your life, you must first become that for yourself and then give this to others. If I want absolute transparency, authenticity, and honesty in my relationship, than I must be someone who is absolutely honest/authentic with myself, and then be that type of person in all of my relationships (friends, family, my man, etc.)

    Because I want trust in my life, I choose to trust myself and the people I love. Because I have a very strong and unmovable boundary in place around cheating, I can let go and trust my man with my heart and trust that he will not go behind my back and do this kind of crazy sh*t. And if he does, I also believe that I will discover the truth naturally without having to always “check up” on him and go through his stuff to make sure I’m “safe” and not being deceived.

    I feel gratitude for Rori writing such a trigger filled post. It has given me an opportunity to see where I might have “slacked off” in my life like avoiding my feelings and am resisting/not being honest with myself and with other people.
    How wonderful that we can all learn from each other’s pain and become better people from it.

    I feel much appreciation!



  265.  #265Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Sitting back, enjoying a hot capuccino with a touch of pumpkin spice
    At Starbucks, flirting with the world…



  266.  #266Linda G on November 6, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    I made an online connection with a renowned poet. He has written me 2 lovely verses. This gorgeous influx of romance will hold a space until romance shows up in person



  267.  #267Liquid Light on November 6, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Shina, yeah, if my man ever cheated on me, I would be out the door so fast, he couldn’t see straight. Oh wait, I don’t have a man. First thing’s first! hahahahahaha!!!

    Linda G, that sounds like fun!



  268.  #268Shina on November 6, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Liquid Light,

    Hahahahha Girl you crack me up!

    Oh don’t worry, I have a feeling that at the rate you’re going you won’t be single for long! 😉 Enjoy it to the max, you deserve it.

    There are times I miss the single life, esp having more bed space! 🙂



  269.  #269Syreena on November 6, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Sounds yummy Linda G.



  270.  #270Shina on November 6, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Linda G,

    What an awesome way to spend a Wednesday evening! Yummmm I love pumpkin spice cappuccino 🙂



  271.  #271Lisa on November 6, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    @Indigo #245

    I agree… it is a social thing …. one woman can’t be it all for him… totally agree!

    on that subject:
    from my research on men and women … men need variety… and they can be social with other women and it not be cheating, to give them that variety they need. Tony Robbins talks about men needing variety.. Women do too, but it is some different.

    In the book Sex at Dawn it talks about the innate needs as humans we need… and how it affects us if we don’t get it …loved that book…

    I don’t care if my man flirts with other women.. it can be harmless… depends on how they flirt and then circle dating too where they open doors for other women and pick things up for them etc. Even saying hi and smiling… chit chat etc..

    It can keep a relationship alive In my opinion… if I restrain my man and forbid him to do these things that are innate for him to be masculine.. I feel I cut him off… I don’t want to suffocate him..

    When a man trusts a woman to where he feels safe telling her anything, and everything… then he doesn’t have to do some of these things behind her back… I’ve been in relationships where there was complete honesty in that respect… and then there has to be clear boundaries where fidelity lies… what is cheating and what isn’t… I think every couple has to have that talk.. In my opinion..

    Right before a man gets married, would be prime time for him to start feeling that sense of OMG it’s forever and possibly flirt with other women.. I’m not condoning it… just I understand it…

    I’ve heard women tell me they slept with another man right before their wedding.. b/c it would be the last …. time… fling kind of thing… so I don’t know if it is just men that do it…

    I have so much admiration for the story that Rori had on her blog some time ago where the man went to his wife and told her he was having urges with another woman ( and they hadn’t had sex in 3 yrs)…. wow.. I want a man that will do that.. so amazing…. that gives “me” or her the chance to really find out what needs aren’t being met… Just my 2 cents..

    OXOX



  272.  #272LoveAlways on November 6, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Here is my new exercise:

    Saying something positive about every man I’ve dated or been in an imaginary relationship with! It is working pretty well and feels releasing of any negative energy I have hidden on the topic



  273.  #273Tereana on November 6, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Huh. Maybe I’ve been away from the blog too long, or maybe I’ve grown away from it, but I feel floored.

    Blueredlove 88 – I disagree with Rori a LOT. And I guess with Dominique, too, for congratulating you (I I think that was Dominique). But, here’s the thing – all of what you wrote sounded great up until the part where he has a girlfriend – who is not you.

    That, in my mind, does not “rock,” because as well as he treats you, he is still only giving you “crumbs” by putting you second. And you KNOW that this is the case. And you may be very cool about it and say the right things to not put pressure on him, but really, think about it. Maybe the only reason he treats you so well is that you are NOT his girlfriend. Many men feel “burdened” by their women and go out looking for women who aren’t “theirs” that they can be more free with. He’s found that with you.

    And it’s all fine if we are “circular dating,” and we really can’t expect a guy to be exclusive to us if we are not exclusive to him. But that’s entirely different than dating a guy who is supposedly exclusive with another woman.

    All of this screams, ick, ew, and “not okay” to me.

    Because what would happen if it did actually “work out” with this guy? You would then be “his woman.” You would be the “burden,” and then he would have to go out looking for someone else. And the cycle would repeat. Except this time, you’d be getting hurt, instead of being the lucky recipient of his attentions.

    No, this is not “cool,” in my book. And I’m sorry if my views are not socially welcomed here, but I really think you could be risking your heart with this man. My wrenching gut reaction is telling me that, while he may not be married to his girlfriend, it should at least mean something. And if he’s not ready to commit to HER, then he’s not ready to commit to you. The fact that he’s dating you while still calling her his Gf, is a huge red flag in my book.

    That is my several cents…do with that what you will



  274.  #274Tereana on November 6, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    LoveAlways – I like your new exercise! : )



  275.  #275Tereana on November 6, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    Hm…now about me… I have two men back home (California home), who I’ve just left. And they are so different.

    One is the man who feels “drama” any time he gets near a relationship. But he likes me and he’s turned on by me, and I feel comfortable with him physically, which is not true of everyone. He went out of his way to spend the night with me before I left California. I said it wasn’t fair, because I know I can’t have a relationship with him. I know he doesn’t want kids. And we talked about it, and I said why – it’s an important part of my sexuality. It’s part of me as a “complete” sexual being. Shortly after this, he said it was a good thing I was moving away, because he could see himself falling for me. I really took it as a compliment.

    The other man is really just a friend. We’ve been on one date, but I didn’t feel very attracted. Meanwhile, he has been VERY helpful and supportive to me, over the years, and especially with my move. He is sensitive and, I thought on our date, “too nice.” But I’m getting to know him better, and this doesn’t bother me anymore. He’s a good guy who really (really!) wants kids. But, like me, he’s not willing to rush it just to get there. He wants to do it right.

    Ah, this other man is so good for me in so many ways. But I also know I really can’t expect ANYTHING of him. Just that I can always enjoy it when we are together. And he responds to my needs as well. He is very sensitive also. I think he would step up and be a great dad. If it came to that. He just doesn’t “want” it. And that’s okay. I accept that.

    Anyway, I’ve left the west coast. I am now in the eastern time zone. Both the men are back “home.” And I’m where I will be, for now. I’m needed here. I have work to do. It feels good. I’m excited. Maybe I’ll meet someone new. But I’m not really “looking.” Just here I am.



  276.  #276Lisa on November 6, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    @Tereana #271 I found that interesting too.

    For me, I wouldn’t be sleeping with a man several nights a week if he had a steady girlfriend, unless I planned on an poly relationship. He would get rid of her before he beds with me..( that’s just me though to each their own- I’m not judging) but that is just me… I’d wonder why it has taken him so long end it with her…. just my experience..

    I would have doubts about him being faithful to me, if he is cheating on his girlfriend…

    off the subject:
    “S” called me and it was so sweet that he couldn’t call me last night and he sent me an e-mail as soon as he got home to say that he was hoping to speak to me last night and that he wished for me a wonderful night sleep.. which he has done ever night so far.. even tonight…

    we laugh so much even in e-mails and then on the phone even more… laughter… he’s into personal growth YAY! He loves communication.. I’m in heaven ladies.. a man that really is into communication…

    We have a date on Sat. night… I haven’t been this excited about a date ever!!… I can’t remember a time I’ve been this calm, and excited at the same time about a date… no expectations of course… but just the fact that, I’m attracting men that so much more right for me… makes me giddy!

    OXOX



  277.  #277Lisa on November 6, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    @Tereana That’s wonderful! New place, new men will come… and you still have these other men around… 🙂 <3



  278.  #278Lisa on November 6, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    @LoveAlways great exercise

    @LindaG Poet… humm sounds yummy… romantic… nice…



  279.  #279Lisa on November 6, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    @AprilRose #217 I would contact him, ( that’s just me) if my heart led me to do so. I feel apologizing might make you feel better, and who knows, he might feel lighter too…

    I’m confused b/c I’ve been off the blog much of the time lately … what happened for you to feel judged so badly…. 🙁 {{{ hugs}}} <3

    though I'm saying here behind my computer- WOW your really using your feeling messages and being very open about it… GO GIRL…!!

    OXOX



  280.  #280Millie on November 6, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    @Tereana 271. You took the words right out of my mouth. Sometimes I wonder how independent from attachment must a woman be? For me, it feels contradicting…to desire and deserve an intimate relationship, yet be removed from the very idea that he’s cultivating and betraying that with someone else. Must we be SO focused on ourselves that we disregard a man’s choices? To each his own, but this would not be okay with me either. To me it rings being attracted to unavailable men, no matter how “available” he appears to be…he still isn’t. I do understand that GF doesn’t mean permanent, but if I were in the situation, I would feel like a “solution” to his relationship problem, yet he it is false because the only solution to his issues with another woman is to be present with her. I assume their relationship is not working, but perhaps polyamory works well for them…..it’s all relative. But your voice is well heard and supported!



  281.  #281Millie on November 6, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    I had an interesting feeling today…I saw a post on facebook from a man I like who referred to another woman as “a looker.” It was an innocent comment, not even important, but it triggered something in me. The conversation in my head went like this…”I can’t compete with her. I don’t want to compete with her. I’m relieved I can’t compete with her.” I thought that was a very interesting conversation to have with myself…chock full of deeper meaning. A man I was with for a long time once told me that “at the end of the day all we have is ourselves, we are alone, so you better like yourself.” I thought he was bitter at the time, but now I agree and I feel rooted and comfort in those words, oddly. I have cultivated this amazing life for myself and even if I walk it alone, I have so much fruit in my bowl. A man would be icing the cake right now. I’d love that, but I don’t expect it. Back to the competition thing….I’m not sure where that was coming from except that I’m perhaps scared of actually being successful with a man. Looks have nothing to do with it, I’ve got those, that’s not where the real competition lies…I’m wondering if I’ve become comfortable being single, going on dates that go nowhere, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because why would it work out? It’s a sad thing to say to myself, but we condition ourselves to protect ourselves, I’m sure this is all wrapped up in that genre of a ball. This screams self fulfilling prophecy to me, so I’m trying to acknowledge how I feel, sit with it tonight and let it go tomorrow….



  282.  #282Daria on November 7, 2013 at 1:11 am

    im doing great healing

    on the other hand i feel unattractive and untouched

    i keep doing stuff with men i long decided is not what i want to do (driving to them, calling, hanging out as friends)

    GetRight wants me to have his children. he wants me to meet his grandparents bec he told them that. this is the sencond time he has tried to get me to meet them , last time i turned it down last minute

    i feel honored and flattered

    i feel scared and trapped

    and stuck

    and sad

    i feel sad Bookie is not stepping up more

    i feel disappointed Sexy Neighbor hasn’t asked me out

    i feel pouty and tense

    thank u Daria for taking em dacing so much



  283.  #283Daria on November 7, 2013 at 1:15 am

    i feel scared and sad bec i judge/perceive Getrigth as not knowing hw to do anything for a woman rather than ask stuff for himself

    he said I wouldnt let nothing happen to you. tonite and it felt good to hear

    sight he’s willing to step up at least he thinks he is and he’s thick skinned but…

    i feel overwhelmed thinking how many times i dont’ feel good with his behavior and how much i’ may have to express i dont want to be treated that way

    andmaybe this has an easy solution



  284.  #284Daria on November 7, 2013 at 1:16 am

    the ‘dont solve it’ solution where i just folllow my feekings



  285.  #285Eve1 on November 7, 2013 at 2:42 am

    Rori, I live in the UK, have a visa debit card and just attempted to buy your e-book and my payment wasn’t accepted, could you please add visa debit and/or paypal as a payment method?

    Lots of love



  286.  #286Eve1 on November 7, 2013 at 3:20 am

    just used a friend’s card and worked . omg I’m so exited to read the book xx



  287.  #287Linda G on November 7, 2013 at 4:08 am

    I don’t feel right today
    Perhaps all this siren stuff is just an act for me
    I am not really capable of intimacy

    My son needs me and I am letting him down

    How can I act so warm with strangers yet remain aloof with my family

    Maybe he’s just 16



  288.  #288Zia on November 7, 2013 at 4:14 am

    Feeling good today 🙂



  289.  #289Sirana on November 7, 2013 at 5:46 am

    Olivia 41 & Indigo 42- Thank you so much for your thoughts. I just now saw them. Not sure how I missed it, but thank you.



  290.  #290Dominique on November 7, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Tereana – 271 – Yes the situation is not wonderful, BUT what BlueRedLove said to this man and how she is handling the situation IS brilliant. She may want this man, or she may think she does, for three months is VERY early on. YET she is very clear on what’s going on. For now she’s not losing herself in this, in him. This is what I applaud.

    And yes if this turned into a relationship, I would have concerns such as – would he do this to her as he did to the ex.

    But this would be what iffing, and I try not to go there.

    xxoo



  291.  #291Sirana on November 7, 2013 at 5:59 am

    I am trying very hard to LEAN BACK. It is a hard for me to lean back without feeling cold for having to even do all of this. He is not perfect but yet I feel like I am always having to do something to improve our situation. I do have resentment. I am trying to work through the CDs but I will admit it is hard.

    I have communicated to him how bad it feels for me when he does not kiss me goodbye in the morning. He does do it but now this morning it seemed like an inconvenience. It made me feel horrible. I think I should stay in the kitchen and not walk towards him when he is leaving so that he does not feel pressure to do it. But I worry this will not look or feel like leaning back but instead anger and coldness.



  292.  #292Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:02 am

    What’s wrong with friend requesting a married man? What’s even wrong with flirting with him? Does flirting have to be about sex?



  293.  #293Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:04 am

    It is no wonder there is no playful fun in many relationships these days. We women can be so tightassed!! sometimes.



  294.  #294Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Sirana I feel curious. HOW did you communicate “how bad it feels for me when he does not kiss me goodbye in the morning”? What script did you use?



  295.  #295Sirana on November 7, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Femininewoman – I actually just said – I feel so bad after you leave and you don’t say goodbye. It changes my whole mood in the morning. It makes me sad.

    HIs response a lot of times when I communicate my feelings to him now are -“Make better decisions next time” (referring to my taking my dad’s side over his in prior argument)



  296.  #296Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:12 am

    ‘brutally honest”

    Why does honesty have to be brutal? The energy of brutality seems to take away from the effect of honesty.



  297.  #297Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Sirana those words show focus on his actions and wanting to change him.

    His words express defensiveness of himself after you have made him wrong. I believe a lot of men would become defensive.

    I believe changing to curiousity about him and making the relationship bubble a learning environment could help.

    To me, his message here seems to be “change your words”.



  298.  #298Sirana on November 7, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Change to what? I am trying to communicate my feelings instead of stuffing. I was using feeling messages. Honestly, how would you have said it differently to not make him wrong? I am struggling with this.



  299.  #299Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Sirana I would say do a lot of ooohhs and ahhhs when he does say goodbye and kiss you. GUSH!!!

    Also if you are not going give him feedback in the moment maybe change to something like “my day felt so flat. I felt turned off as compared to yesterday. It makes me happy when I am kissed in the morning.”

    “My day feels so juicy and I feel all lit up and sexy all day long”.

    Turn the focus on you.



  300.  #300Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:22 am

    “Your sweet kisses mean more to than material things. It makes me happy to feel your warm embrace and tender kisses in the morning”.

    I am experimenting with scripts here, using some of Mel’s words that she was successful with.

    I would also say look for some kind of ritual or practice that turns on your sensuality in the mornings. Create that vibe around you.



  301.  #301Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 6:24 am

    It suggests that you spent the whole day mad at him and sulking because he did not kiss you.



  302.  #302Dominique on November 7, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Sirana – 287 – From what you say here, how you communicated this to him was to make him wrong, to place a demand which doesn’t feel good to anyone thus the begrudged kiss.

    A better way to approach this and express this would be – I LOVE being kissed goodbye in the morning. OR I SO missed being kissed goodbye. I love that feeling.

    And give him a chance. It may not happen tomorrow or the next day, but it will. And keep your heart as soft and as open as you can, as an invitation to him.

    And when he does kiss you or embrace you, MELT. Thank him. Tell him how good it felt.

    This is how you get more of what you want.

    xxoo



  303.  #303Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 7:47 am

    To me this video shares the why it doesn’t feel a good idea to be having and inniating or engaging in inappropraite flirting when we or they are married.

    https://www.innerbonding.com/youtube.php.

    It’s up to each person to check in and connect with themselves and their own conscience if they feel ok with it. And want to start emotional affairs or be in emotional affairs with married men or other people when they are married.

    It feels difficult for me to want to stay open with people who resort to degroatory name calling. So will pass on getting futher drawn into that and leave it here.



  304.  #304Cris on November 7, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Dominique, your advice to Sirana is so inspiring… it also served to me

    thanks
    🙂



  305.  #305BlueRedLove on November 7, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Random thought: for me, courtship is “show not tell.” A guy can say all of the right things and it means nothing if his actions don’t SCREAM that he adores, wants and cherishes me. I more master being still, the easier it is to observe what he is showing me. No guy will get it absolutely right all of the time but a man who keeps showing me over and over and over that making me happy is important to him is definitely worth my while.



  306.  #306BlueRedLove on November 7, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Random thought…for me, courtship is show not tell. A guy can say all of the right things and it means nothing if his actions don’t SCREAM that he adores, wants and cherishes me. I more master being still, the easier it is to observe what he is showing me. No guy will get it absolutely right all of the time but a man who keeps showing me over and over and over that making me happy is important to him is definitely worth my while.



  307.  #307Rori Raye on November 7, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Syreena – I’m not sure where this conversation is coming from or where it’s going that you feel uncomfortable…I’ll look around. Just to jump to a conclusion: I would hardly even put in the same paragraph the concepts of “flirting with your boss” and “Circular Dating when you’re in a relationship or married.” And since everyone has their own ideas of “what’s appropriate” – let’s just stick with “what feels good, and what feels icky.” And what’s “going on” when those feelings arise. Love, Rori



  308.  #308Veronica on November 7, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Sophie – 262 – Thank you – Your post was so timely! I could sense myself slowly drifting to ‘only thinking through things and not letting my body’s own feeling speak to me.’ I remember a while ago being quite conscious about how my language would either let my thoughts speak or my feelings speak. It’s as though you pulled me from the edge. I’m also feeling excited for you re: letting the body do the healing through its own voice, it’s as though something big is going to happen. Hugs to you!



  309.  #309Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Hear what you are saying about the word appropriate Rori and felt open to listen and learn up until the point of the words, ” let’s just stick with what feels good and what feels icky.

    It feels icky and controlling to be told ” Lets just do x, y or z. I was nodding my head and mainly agreeing up until that point.

    It doesn’t always feel good to me to stick with saying what feels good and what feels icky, although I do hear what you mean by the word appropriate. I feel like I am being covertly manipulated when someone says let’s just do x,y or z and may not want to.

    Feels strange, odd and inauthentic to me to just always stick to saying what feels good or icky. I don’t want to be inauthentic.



  310.  #310Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:25 am

    inappropriate *



  311.  #311Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I’ve had so many married men come on to me at work. That’s why I don’t even give them the time of day now. What do they have to lose by flirting with you or coming on to you? They are married, have their families so its a thrill to them, they get a little sexual charge at work. They love that. And it doesn’t take much encouragement for them to continue to do it. They interpret any friendliness as interest. But what did I get out of it? Not much in the end, I build up expectations and feelings and then feel terrible because of course it doesn’t go anywhere. It sucks, or sucked rather, that’s why I totally ignore these men at work now. And to be honest they disgust me anyway so its easy because that behavior just grosses me out now. No integrity. No shame. No character. YUCK!!!



  312.  #312Veronica on November 7, 2013 at 9:30 am

    I felt a little downcast when the interactions on the dating site dried up.

    I began to doubt the ‘only dating men who ask me on a date, instead of me making it happen’ idea. Over the past few days, I realized that in quite profound ways that continuing to practice this idea lays down the very beginnings of a deeply sweet and intimate love.

    But I also felt a warm welcoming joy to the ‘quiet time’ where I can re-generate. This eased my anxiety that I didn’t do things right or that the attention I like is slipping, and I didn’t like feeling that way, that stuckness. I can sense my body, myself readying for this much needed attention that will give me all my love and there’s this knowing in me that my experience with the world will change so beautifully as I do this – this knowing is lava like flowing expanding warmth and has soft pleasure joy in it.



  313.  #313April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Sophie 261

    Thank you, dear siren.

    I feel totally got by you. The warmth I feel from your understanding has helped me to process some feelings around discovering my first boyfriend on facebook (after 25 years with no word of each other’s lives)

    “For me it can feel wonderful sometimes contacting someone from my past – it is a re-connection with who I used to be”

    Exactly! And it was such a vulnerable time for me. Even without contacting him, seeing that he still exists in the world has felt huge!! It’s like that part of my life was real. Not lost in the mist. I feel more solid and real on my insides.

    🙂



  314.  #314Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:35 am

    what’s “going on” when those feelings arise – To me it seems like a lot of thinking. Particularly judgemental thinking. People flirt harmlessly everyday and all the time. It doesn’t mean they take action or intend to. As far as I am concerned flirting can be a simple smile. How would a woman know that a man without a ring is not married or is available if she doesn’t flirt by possibly smiling and then watching what happens next?

    In the days of chivalry I remember that as the woman dropping the hanky.

    Really sad seeing that this case was really about reconnecting with a long lost friend rather than pretending the person is kinda dead. And a woman just going inside herself to feel in her cells the memory of that experience. Maybe this could even bring some resolution or healing. Or at least remind her of confident siren she was when she was younger so she can revive that part of herself today.



  315.  #315Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Rori, conversations and responses were arising from posts 217 & 292/3.



  316.  #316Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:39 am

    I hear you LL.



  317.  #317Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:40 am

    “They interpret any friendliness as interest”.

    Who cares what they interpret?

    The question is can you trust yourself?

    The point is that there is something about you that is magnetic to men which can be amplied to magnetize Mr. Right. Maybe that is their message. Maybe their message is to make sure you flirt with your Mr. Right when you find him because it lights them up to have a woman around them that flirt. Maybe it is what they need to be unable to focus on any other woman.

    What if that is their nature? Should they then change themselves into a cat because you feel insecure they might harmlessly flirt?



  318.  #318Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Yayy you April Rose!!



  319.  #319Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:44 am

    LL – I build up expectations and feelings and then feel terrible because of course it doesn’t go anywhere.

    This is about you and the stories you tell yourself. Why build up expectations just because a man is flirting. Is there a way to just take it for what it is a move on in the next moment? It might just allow some safe feeling in a man, regardless of whether he is married or single.



  320.  #320Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 9:46 am

    FW, your response seems a bit naive. Many of these men would take it to the next level. Its not just innocent flirting….As I said before, there are so many available men out there, why would I waste my time on married ones????

    I can instantly tell an honorable married one who is acting respectful towards me, and obviously values and respects his relationship with his wife. He treats me in a professional and courteous manner, but no more than that. He sets the tone of the interaction immediately and I really respect that. I want a man like that so I have no interest in giving my attention to a man who doesn’t behave like that.



  321.  #321April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Oh Femininewoman,

    I feel so weird that my story has been de-railed into judgement.

    Anyway, to get back on track:

    The man I am writing about was only a boy when I knew him. We were in class together at high school. I was a ‘normal’, happy girl.
    Thinking of him so reminds me of the time my family was complete. This boy was loved by my Mum, and he loved her.
    She died when I was in my later teens. And I am no longer in touch with anyone outside of my family that knew her, and who can remember her sweet laugh and kind ways.
    Seeing him alive and well (although in virtual format) makes me feel more real, and that my Mum was real and that I had a normal family life.

    He is real, and not a figment of my fantasy. Likewise my childhood feels more real to me now.



  322.  #322Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Friend requesting a married men is INTENTIONALLY taking a direct action to engage with someone you KNOW is married.

    And also ongoingly flirting with a man who you know is married at work is also KNOWINGLY CHOOSING to become involved in an emotional affair in this way.

    If others feel ok with this like I said this is up to them to decide.
    Doesn’t sit well with me.



  323.  #323Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:49 am

    LL –

    “I totally ignore these men at work now”. I would look to see if I have built up walls as a result and become jaded in any way. This could prevent you from melting when you really need to.

    “And to be honest they disgust me anyway so its easy because that behavior just grosses me out now.” I would ask myself why? Why would another human being disgust you?

    “No integrity. No shame. No character. YUCK!!!” How do I know these statements are true, is what I challenge myself with now when these types of judgements pop up. I wonder if I have issues with my sexuality. Why does there need to be shame? Am I the righteous judge to sit on my high throne and decide that someone has no integrity?
    Who am I to decide someone has no character?

    This is really a harsh sweeping brush to paint the other half of the population with.



  324.  #324Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 9:50 am

    FW 319 I don’t do that anymore. I used to do it but I learned from my mistakes and have moved beyond that. Isn’t that what we are all doing here to grow and not repeat the same mistakes/patterns over and over again?



  325.  #325Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I understand April Rose, trust me.



  326.  #326Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Wow FW, back off! That’s not what I said at all!



  327.  #327Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 9:53 am

    That feel liks a good question why would I waste my time with a married man?

    If what I want is a man who is available.



  328.  #328Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 9:56 am

    We are LL.

    I will also tell you that I have a man in my office who is married and outrightly flirts with me. In the midst of a conversation he will say suggestive things or change his voice on the phone. Standing or sitting in front of me he will do some things with his face and use oohhs and ahhhs and make sounds that are very suggestive.

    He does it with me because according to him, he loves doing it and I am the only person who he can do it with. I allow him to because I have come to realize that that is a part of him. I laugh at him and even call him an idiot sometimes during the conversation. He knows it is going nowhere because we have known each other long enough for him to know it is going nowhere. I am not going to make hin feel like he needs to shut down a part of his personality to be able to interact with me. And believe it or not he has never touched me in a sexual way or invited me to be in a place that I could be compromised.

    The point is I trust myself. I have always been the type who will flirt with anyone who wants to flirt. I flirt with the world. I view it as a fun game.



  329.  #329Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:00 am

    I know FB can be troublesome a bit these days but what does “engage” mean?

    Very interesting eh? Someone thinking about friend requesting a teenage friend now turns into sexual engagement. We don’t even allow the woman to say that is what she is going to do. Or the man to show that he wants an emotional connection.

    My past experience with that kind of thing was that the person interacted for a couple of weeks, max. Then the conversations dropped off. We no longer had anything in common.



  330.  #330Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Yeah, and I’m such a horny B**** and don’t trust myself cuz I know I will jump the bones of any man who shows any interest in me? Give me a break, its not about trusting or not trusting…. You obviously have a different way of interacting with men than I do. I turn on my flirtation selectively, you don’t. You are not wrong and I am not wrong, we are just different.



  331.  #331April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:01 am

    It feels like fun to flirt. And I often don’t allow myself the fun of it. I panic. “What if he thinks I’m a slut?”

    I want to learn to flirt WITHIN MY OWN BOUNDARIES, like FW, so that it is fun for me and also that it’s clear I’m not going take it beyond the line of simple, playful banter. Only the man who will win me gets more…

    Mmm, this feels good to imagine.



  332.  #332Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 10:02 am

    feeling reminicint of a clip of a married woman flirting in a hugely sexual way with a celeb. His response said it all to me.” Is that a wedding ring on youur finger?” “You need to loose the ring as it means nothing to you.”



  333.  #333Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:02 am

    “why would I waste my time with a married man?”

    This is not about dating. Even if it is about flirting what makes the difference is what a woman’s intention is.

    It is not even about spending time with a man. It is about friend requesting someone on FB.



  334.  #334Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:04 am

    332 Syrenna, wow, yeah, that says it all! We show what we value and what we don’t value by the way we behave!



  335.  #335Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Yeah April Rose. I have learned a lot. Including not to shut down to anyone since I have been practicing Rori’s tools.

    I can actually tell now when I am shut down and have raised up walls. Now it is easier for me to take them down and melt.



  336.  #336Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Who is judging whom now?



  337.  #337April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:08 am

    People who flirt in a sexual way may or may not be coming on to you.
    It’s hard for someone a bit tight-assed like me to know the difference.
    I always assume they ‘want me’. In reality, some of them would be shocked to know I assumed that.
    The range of human behaviour is a huge spectrum.

    And again, assumption (judgement) feels dangerous, seperative and ICKY.



  338.  #338Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:12 am

    April Rose I don’t even care in what way they are flirting. I get to decide if I entertain them and for how long. I trust myself that much. I don’t even assume that they are coming on to me. I treat what they say as just words so I banter right back. It is a way I have used to build up my conversational skills in the moment. Once upon a time I used to just go into tell them off.



  339.  #339April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:15 am

    LL,
    This is such a great chance where feeling messages could come into glorious light for you.

    To find out these men’s intentions and to let them know how it makes you feel.

    Eg “I feel uncomfortable here. I don’t want to feel this way. What are your intentions?”
    “It feels icky being looked at that way by a married man”.

    How truthful can you get with them? It could be healing, for them and for you. They may be a bit dim, having never had a woman express herself authentically to them. Give them a chance to show some integrity. Why not?



  340.  #340Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:15 am

    “It’s hard for someone a bit tight-assed like me to know the difference.”

    Me too. That’s why I don’t bother to try to discern the difference anymore. I just flirt right back. Yeah I wanna be a shameless flirt all the time. It feels like so much fun. Don’t know why I used to be ashamed about it in the past anyway.



  341.  #341Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I don’t care. It’s not worth my time. How many times do I need to say that? I don’t care how they feel about me. Period.

    Also, and I know I will get pounced for saying this, I think that any type of interaction with a man is interpreted as flirtatious in their eyes. I believe that men are just wired like that. So all we have to do is open our mouths and they think we are flirting with them. That’s been my experience anyway. So the ones that I am not interested in (which is most of them), I don’t want to encourage so I choose to not engage with them at all.



  342.  #342April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

    You sound angry, LL
    Are you?
    I feel angry too. A large part of me thinks that men are animals. It makes me rage against nature, and feel like screaming at my human existence.



  343.  #343Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Yes, I am angry…what’s your point?



  344.  #344Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:33 am

    But for different reasons. This is NOT my experience:

    A large part of me thinks that men are animals.



  345.  #345April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:34 am

    No point.
    Just looking to connect with a fellow siren who sounds angry and frightened.



  346.  #346April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:36 am

    I just made WM shout angrily.

    I was looking for a way to say I required more from him.

    I called him lazy. Oops! Made him yell.



  347.  #347Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:36 am

    I’m angry because:

    * I’ve got scumbag landlords
    * I live in a dumpy place/neighborhood
    * I’m not meeting high quality men
    * I feel like I’m getting squeezed out at work
    * Most of my friends suck because they are petty, jealous and insecure. I’m tired of making an effort to be a good friend, and then I just get kicked in the mouth. F that!

    How’s that for a start?



  348.  #348Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:37 am

    (((((((April Rose))))))))



  349.  #349April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:40 am

    I don’t want to be yelled at by a man.

    Last week my brother yelled at me.

    It feels horrible. What’s going on?

    I feel like moving myself to a life where no man has the chance to shout his anger in my face.



  350.  #350April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:41 am

    ((((((((((((Liquid Light))))))))))))



  351.  #351Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Just saw this on FB

    “I am who I am. Your approval isn’t needed”.



  352.  #352April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:53 am

    I want to move on. Does it matter if it’s in a messy way?
    Is there a way to be dignified and compassionate about it all?

    He just yelled at me one too many times.

    And, I’ve been putting up with too many crumbs and that makes me feel rage.



  353.  #353April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 10:56 am

    He is sitting about ‘ill’ with a bad cold.

    An excuse to not connect with me?
    He certainly has enough energy to yell and scream like a madman.

    I feel booming in my head, hot-faced and frightened being yelled at.



  354.  #354Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 10:58 am

    FW, are you friends with Popeye??!! 🙂



  355.  #355April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Some of you here must be wondering
    “April Rose, WHY are you still with this person?”

    The intermittent rewards. And mostly he is easy-going. Pleasant even. But, just hint at criticism and he blows up. Rants about me wanting to make him shout.

    No evidence yet of him putting my feelings as a priority.

    Why oh why am I making do with less than?



  356.  #356April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:04 am

    He just ranted saying I want to make him my dog, my slave.
    Is this his response to my leaning back?

    I want a man to help take some of the burden from this world of masculine activity. I want to feel feminine.
    I don’t feel so feminine with him.

    He must know I am unfulfilled. And probably loses respect for me for my staying in an unfulfilling situation.



  357.  #357Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 11:13 am

    I like that I am what I am I don’t need your approval

    April, what comes across to me is that you appear to want other Sirens approval on this.

    If you want to do it and are really ok with it why the asking of advice what to do and needing other people not to agree and appove?

    It’s your journey and for you to decide. If you put yourself out there and ask, some people are going to say things at times you may not agree with or want to hear.

    Not everyone will condone, agree or approve.

    The way I now decide in situations like this is to imagine what I would say to my daughter if she was considering doing something. And if she was on the receiving end.

    So for me this would be saying to my Daughter which would be myself . No it is not in your best interest to be flirting, chasing and initiating emotional connection with unavailable men.

    And if ny daughter came to me saying her husband was doing this, I would ask her if she wanted to be in the kind of marraige where her husband was emotionally engaging this way with other women.

    That’s me though and where I am at on my journey.



  358.  #358Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 11:17 am

    At the risk of stating the obvious but here goes: you are excited about connecting with an old flame while at the same time you are unhappy in your current relationship. Seems to be a direct correlation there. Yes, you deserve better than that but I would try to deal with your current relationship, either move on or stay and deal, before introducing another man into it.



  359.  #359April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Syreena,
    When I wrote to ask advice, I did not expect women on here to make assumptions.
    Saying I am “flirting, chasing and initiating emotional connection” shows great misunderstanding on your part. And makes me feel like shaking my head sadly.

    It has opened another discussion entirely, to the one I was creating. Hopefully, to some benefit.



  360.  #360Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 11:20 am

    or maybe that’s what CDing is for but either way, you sound conflicted and unsure about what you want. I would try to get some clarity first and foremost.



  361.  #361April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:21 am

    LL,

    You are another who makes me shake my head in disbelief. I almost have a tear forming in my eye.

    I would re-direct you to my most vulnerable posting (it appears you missed it) bu I need to drop my stance now, and hold my aching heart alone.



  362.  #362Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 11:26 am

    oops, sorry, really I was just trying to help…nevermind



  363.  #363April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Tired of being out-girled by an angry man!



  364.  #364April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 11:38 am

    I know what I want.

    It’s how to unravel what I’ve got – that’s what I don’t know.



  365.  #365Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 11:53 am

    (((((((((April Rose))))))))))))



  366.  #366Liquid Light on November 7, 2013 at 11:55 am

    perhaps you are addicted to your own misery. You’ve been complaining about him for a long time on this blog. He knows you are unhappy but yet you stick around. So he knows you will tolerate a lot of bad behavior. He also knows that you don’t respect him and that just makes him treat you worse. Perhaps if you raised your degree of difficulty, he would treat you better.



  367.  #367Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Ouch!!!!



  368.  #368Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    April if you don’t think asking a man to be a FB friend is initiating reaching out chasing and wanting some sort of emotional connection, then you don’t think that.

    Fair enough.

    Those are not my thoughts.

    If you believe it is in your higher good and best interest and want to do it, that is what you believe and want.

    Have shared my feelings, beliefs and thoughts on this.

    If what is coming up for you now is heartache and tears, then yes holding your heart letting them flow will help you heal.
    And yes only we can do this for ourselves. Hugs.



  369.  #369Indigo on November 7, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    ((((April Rose))))

    I can feel the pain that you are in. I really can.

    My sense from your story is that I wish you could get to a place where his words and actions really don’t mind all that much to you. Where you don’t have time or attention for someone who doesn’t prioritise you.

    His angry rants and bouts of withdrawal are not worth your energy, precious siren.



  370.  #370Indigo on November 7, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    *really don’t mean all that much



  371.  #371Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Just heard “flirting makes you feel alive”.



  372.  #372April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Indigo,

    Thank you. Your empathy feels soothing and strengthening.

    ” I wish you could get to a place where his words and actions really don’t mean all that much to you. Where you don’t have time or attention for someone who doesn’t prioritise you.”

    Lately this has been the case. But today I’m at a lower ebb, feeling flu-ey and also there is no-one else around but him.
    I fell into a miserable place, yes. But through it I am processing and feeling stronger. Gentleness is key for me. Thank you for yours.



  373.  #373Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    “Those who know how to flirt have more energy and more happiness”…..Mimi Tanner



  374.  #374April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Feeling puzzled as to why I stir up conflict and anger in others.



  375.  #375Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    April because you are powerful. The key is to use this energy to stir up other emotions.

    Even if he is still angry you might still find something to tease him about or to flirt with him.



  376.  #376Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    haha “flirting takes the ordinary and makes it extraordinary”.



  377.  #377Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 12:53 pm


  378.  #378Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    I know how to flirt and love doing it, just feels best to me to be aware and choose wisely and be selective who I flirt with.



  379.  #379Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    It wouldn’t feel wise and I wouldn’t want to tease an angry person.

    This is something I see bullies and people who want to have control over other peoples feelings do and feels bad to me.



  380.  #380Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    It would feel best to me to leave them to deal with their own anger and go take care of my won feelings that were coming up.



  381.  #381Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    own.



  382.  #382Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    “The use of kidding is one of the biggest secrets of flirting”.



  383.  #383Femininewoman on November 7, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Syreena – you trying to convince somebody about something?



  384.  #384BeLoved on November 7, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    April Rose – I remember when I use to feel like I’d rather fight with someone than feel ignored and abandoned.

    I was reading your posts from a year ago – it feels like reading about such a different person.
    What’s going on with your writing and plays and creative projects you were so jazzed about?

    I’m wondering if you’ve traded passion for security.



  385.  #385April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Oh Beloved,

    I’m feeling very flat.
    Creative projects are all sitting in a cupboard in my mind, waiting for me to have some energy to make them happen.
    My passions are all very internal. I’m not quite sure why they don’t fully emerge.
    I guess it’s time to start shaking again! It gave me lots of energy. I had the ‘electric’ once or twice, but not the joyous laughter. Shaking feels good.



  386.  #386April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    I kept telling myself to be patient and sit out this Mercury retrograde and post-eclipse weirdness.

    Just be gentle, April Rose.



  387.  #387BeLoved on November 7, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    “still live with WM. I date other men, because I didn’t feel I had the fulfilling relationship I wanted.

    He gets angry and cold at times because I am dating others. He said he is not going to ‘up his game’.”

    Friday, 28 September 2012 @ 2:57pm

    Maybe it would feel enlightening to go back and see where you were for yourself…

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/surrender-to-now/#comments

    Girl, my heart would feel shredded after all this time, too.
    The big turning point for me with T came when it finally sank in that I had NO control over him and him loving me wasn’t about me. There was nothing nothing NOTHING I could do to make him love me the way I want to be loved.
    I took every course, tried every strategy, practiced being Queen Goddess Siren of the Universe…I did everything he asked, jumped through every flaming hoop, TWICE! With bells on !
    And I couldn’t make him love me.
    There was nothing I could do. It was out of my hands.
    And I couldn’t ever ever ever get back the love I never got from my childhood, either.
    Big hugs and soft butterfly kisses to you.



  388.  #388BeLoved on November 7, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    April Rose
    – email me if you want to do a Skype shake or hook up with other shakers – there’s a network on Facebook 🙂
    luciddreamyogini at gmail dot com
    I’m in the southern US so my time doesn’t sync up with them very often but I group shake when I can, it’s more fun.

    xoxoxoxo,



  389.  #389Lilybelly on November 7, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    108: T-Girl~

    So, SO happy to hear this news. Congrats to you and J!

    Wow, that makes two June weddings. 😉

    Congrats, hun!!

    lilybelly.



  390.  #390Syreena on November 7, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    No fw, wanted to share in what situations that flirting feel good and don’t feel good or wise and who it feels good and wise for me to flirt with.

    What about you. Are you?

    To me I would agree playful teasing and banter feel great ways to flirt.
    Not with certain people or in certain situations though. And flirting with angry people would’t feel like two way playful banter to me. It would feel one way with me initiating contolling teasing like I was trying to take care of and get them out of their anger, rather than giving them space to take care of and deal with their own anger.



  391.  #391April Rose on November 7, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Beloved,
    I would love to shake with you on skype 🙂



  392.  #392BeLoved on November 7, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    April Rose – bring it! Email me at my addy above and we’ll make it happen



  393.  #393Lisa on November 7, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    WOW I missed a lot of posts… having a hard time catching up…

    {{{AprilRose}}}
    {{{Indigo}}}
    OXOXO

    side note:
    brutally honest is a term that has been around for a very long time.. hummmm ?
    a jab….?

    though if someone want do dissect it… I suppose that anyone can take any socially acceptable term and do so… and it wouldn’t make sense..

    and I suppose anyone can take anything anyone says and make assumptions and misconstrue… just sayin



  394.  #394Indigo on November 7, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    (((Veronica)))

    Thank you xx



  395.  #395Indigo on November 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Thank you for the hugs Lisa xx



  396.  #396Indigo on November 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    April Rose 374,

    “Feeling puzzled as to why I stir up conflict and anger in others.”

    I have the same experience, not a lot, but enough to make me notice, and enough to confuse me, because I am a very gentle, empathetic person.

    I agree with Feminine Woman. It is because you are powerful. I have also come to the conclusion that I sometimes act as a “poultice” for the people in my life, drawing long buried stuff to the surface. As hard as it may be to see in the moment, it is a healing thing. And then there is what Dominique always says, “Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.”

    Also remember, to choose the path of compassion and authenticity and gentleness and self-awareness is to be at odds with much of the rest of the world, much of the time.

    xx



  397.  #397Millie on November 7, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    I wish I had time to read more posts…
    I only have to time to catch a few, but in response to FeminineWoman’s quotes on flirting…

    YES!!! Flirting gives you energy and feels amazing and yes kidding is essential to flirting, but always contains a little truth….thats what makes it amazing! I love flirting!



  398.  #398Sophie on November 7, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    Indigo and April Rose – I have the same experience – its funny Indigo to see you write it and use the word poultice 🙂 I’ve always used the word catalyst for exactly the same reason – the same thing seems to happen often with me and others, I seem to bring things up for them, quite intense changes…

    I had an astrologer say that I would be perceived as ’emotionally disruptive’ and I am – she says its because I say things that I think everyone knows as they’re so obvious to me but they don’t and it takes the lid off things…

    My friend just wrote me into her mythical novel as a spirit called Sophie Bouchard which translated means wise bigmouth ha ha x this character makes emotion emerge in all the others x I felt flattered and also surprised that she perceived me like that too – I don’t mean to be a bigmouth! ha ha x I guess its a blessing and sometimes it feels like it is when I can be an uplifter x other times it feels like a battle xx especially when i’m so deeply affected by the emotions of others in return xx

    anyway it feels quite nice to know there are others who know how that feels x



  399.  #399Eli on November 8, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Hi dear Rori…
    I found you website suddenly and I’m reading your archive for 2 days! non-stop!!!
    I really wish I found your website years ago then I had not have to experience many terrible things by myself!
    now that I look back, I realize where and when and what was my mistakes in my relationships…

    I’m still reading and learning new things…
    just want to say thank you so much for your advices also your time…
    keep going…!
    we really need your advices…!



  400.  #400Femininewoman on November 8, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Syreena thanks for responding and to answer your question, maybe.



  401.  #401Femininewoman on November 8, 2013 at 5:34 am

    April Rose in reading 390, 379 and 380 I am sensing some logical thinking that could argue one’s way out of experimenting. It would feel wise to me is not even a feeling and it would suggests to me hypotheticals.

    Where I am coming from is that I believe apathy is the worst emotion a man or anyone could adapt in a relationship. Anger to me suggests emotional investment. He might even be angry at himself. As long as there is no physical threat to my person I believe possibilities are endless. As long as the person is talking to you I believe choosing the right words could diffuse the situation. This is someone you live with, not an arch enemy. Leaving them alone suggests to me putting up walls, possibly time will heal things which end up backfiring. Context is everything and as long as the person is talking even if angry choosing the “flight” response as in leaving them alone to deal with their anger might not be the response that create change. Unless of course the person asks you to leave them alone.

    I have seen where Rori suggests scripts that says the person is entitled to their anger and you want to hear them but can’t when you are feeling attacked. You know your situation best. If you don’t feel comfortable teasing them maybe use something else. Your intention is what matters so I would not even think that you are trying to bully him. Once your intention is to learn about this person and to move the energy of anger out of the equation I believe there are possibilities. Even if he was angry I believe he would appreciate knowing that he could still connect with you after he calms down.



  402.  #402Femininewoman on November 8, 2013 at 5:39 am

    “To me I would agree playful teasing and banter feel great ways to flirt.
    Not with certain people or in certain situations though. And flirting with angry people would’t feel like two way playful banter to me. It would feel one way with me initiating contolling teasing like I was trying to take care of and get them out of their anger, rather than giving them space to take care of and deal with their own anger.”

    Syreena I respect your opinion and want to share that it is too rigid for me. We are not talking about angry “people” here we are talking about a partner in a love relationship. It is a know fact that men tease each other when they bond so I don’t assume that a man would necessarily see his partner as trying to control him if she teases. If I am going to assume anything I would rather assume the best and that is he will see her as being playful.



  403.  #403Indigo on November 8, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Sophie

    🙂

    I find it incredibly comforting as well to read your experience and know that there are others like me. It can be very alienating and disconcerting at first until you have a better idea of what’s going on.

    xx



  404.  #404Syreena on November 8, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Re bonding and banter.

    What I have observed with people bonding from playful teasing and banter regardless of it that is male/male banter, female/female banter or male/female banter is that this feel good bonding only occurs when all parties are feeling happy and jovial about it. Both larking around.
    In cases where one is happy about the teasing and the other is not and is either angry or upset this happy, I don’t see this bonding occuring. What I see is pain or anger deepening or escalating in the angry or hurt person.

    So to me it feels best not to engage in this with an angry person.
    Understand that may not be other peoples experience and observation.
    Is mine though
    So for me I do my best not to tease an angry person.
    Don’t always manage it though.

    Find this the same with animals like cats and dogs too for me, it’s obervering and picking up when and when it feels best not to do it.



  405.  #405Syreena on November 9, 2013 at 3:51 am

    ( healthy bonding occuring) What I see occuring is unhealthy disordered attachments.



  406.  #406Kyla on November 10, 2013 at 9:01 am

    I asked R to go home 🙁 I’m feeling a weird mixture of fear, heartbreak and relief.

    He followed me to this country without a plan. He’s been here 2 years and 1 week and his residency application is still not submitted even though I had agreed to sponsor him 3 years ago! His visa ran up in April and I’ve been supporting him since. I cancelled our wedding in September as it didnt feel right and its really only hit my recently why. I’ve lost my hope for our relationship and my respect for him. He seems deluded to me now, talking about how he’ll go home and start the process there and be back in 8-9 months. I’m not waiting anymore. Actions speak louder than words to me and my self-esteem has been plummeting over the last year while his half completed application sat on a shelf and I was forced to pick up all the slack.

    I feel emptied out and flat. I also feel protective of me. I need to put my needs first and I need to put my kids first and I cannot spend another second supporting a fully grown adult who’s all talk and no action. I just don’t know how I will manage with practical things like childcare but I will figure something out.

    I feel tears rolling down my cheeks and don’t know how to get through the next 10 days with him here talking shit and deluding himself that things will work out. Parts of me feel cold and numb and all I can do is sink and breath into them and know I will be ok, I will be fine.



  407.  #407Kyla on November 10, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I’ve been away so long my post got stuck in moderation 🙁



  408.  #408April Rose on November 10, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Hi Kyla,
    Funny you should say that, Rori’s new thread is about getting stuck/blocked!
    You’re posting on the old thread, by the way 🙂



  409.  #409Franny on November 12, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I have a very similar situation. Only when he was cybersexting it was before I knew about any of your tools and when I was doing everything wrong to push him away! And I mean everything. When I read your ebook I thought you had been spying on me. I drove him away so badly that now he moved out and broke up with me. He misses me and I miss him and now I am trying to get him back with your tools. I thought what I was doing drove him to what he was doing. Now I feel worried about what if I get him back and continue on with your tools throughout our relationship and he still does the cybersexting that I am NOT okay with. He knows I am NOT okay with it.



  410.  #410Dominique on November 13, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Kyla – YAY YOU!!! for taking care of yourself.

    xxoo



  411.  #411Dominique on November 13, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Franny – What iffing is not usually a good idea. Keep putting your focus on you and your healing as well as becoming more in touch with your feelings and emotions and learning how to express them .

    What a man does or does not do is out of your control. And you get to choose every step of the way.

    So if this behavior continues and this is a deal breaker, then it’s a deal breaker.

    xxoo



  412.  #412theisland on November 16, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Getting married and trusting was hard enough for me and now that I have made that move it feels veryscary. Now is really a time when we should be focused on being together as a family, not for him to keep his identity as a single dad.



  413.  #413Argentina on November 17, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Why do certain men consistently flirt with other
    Women while They are married with children and consistently speak if their past partners and relationships
    All the time?



  414.  #414Rori Raye on November 18, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Argentina – I realize this analogy might seem odd, since these things “come from” different places and, since they’re partly “behavioral” – we often believe we can effect change in them, but the core of the question is the same:

    What makes a man have blue eyes? What makes a man 6′ tall? What makes a man like the color blue, or green, or yellow, or red? What makes a man like to cook? What makes a man like to do anything? Or feel COMPELLED to do anything? And – the answer is – it doesn’t MATTER “why” anything. As my great coach trainee Jenn Jolie said to me: “You can’t fix the why.”

    The only thing that matters is how the way a man “is” feels to you. And I’m not talking about your “opinion” of him and how that makes you feel, I mean the way you feel about YOU when you’re with him. If you don’t like it – say so. And if it doesn’t shift dramatically enough so that you feel okay with the way it is and stop needing to “change” it, then leave.

    The only thing to pay attention here is what you’re wiling to leave FOR. We women can be “okay” with different things, and at different levels of intensity. When you’re experiencing an entire “forest” – don’t just look at the “leaves.” Love, Rori



  415.  #415Angelica on November 21, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am in need of some advice here.

    I met a men online about 3 months ago, we met and hit it off immediately. Amazing chemistry, we had long talks and got along very very well. He constatnly texted me and expressed how glad he was we met.
    I never asked him about his profile or what he was doing with it. I deleted mine shortly after we started dating.

    Just before we became intimate I had a conversation with him and told him that I didn’t care what he was doing with his profile online but if he wanted to date other women to let me know and I would approach things differently. He said- I am not dating other woman.
    I noticed a little pattern with him and one day I checked online and he was still active and had just being online that day. I texted him-” I am sorry to see that you are still looking and you have not found what you are looking for”. He did not respond all night. Early that morning I asked if he wanted to go to the movies, he didn’t respond either.
    Rori, I don’t know what got into me… but I picked up my car that evening and drove by his house. I saw a woman coming out of his home at 12:30am. I waiting for her to leave and confronted him. He did not want to speak to me, did not open his door and just texted me saying ‘ This is unnapropriate’.

    Rori…. help me out here! I know it was unnapropriate but, had I not done that I would never know. I really really like him and care about him.
    He turned it all around and said I ruined things and I ended things because of what I did. Not once he admited to have lied to me. In fact, he told me he did nothing wrong and he was not dating anyone. That he truly liked me but I was too pushy.

    PS: About 6 years ago, I found the man I was about to marry with another woman at his place. I just dropped by for a visit and had a ‘surprise’. So, I guess I didn’t want to find out later, so impulsively I reacted when I noticed some changes.

    Is there any way this can be fixed? I believe we were both at fault and we can clear all this and more foward. He refuses to speak to me, he plays the victim and is not taking any responsability for his own actions.

    What should I do? I am very disapointed and hurt! I know the relationship is very new but I guess what I am trying to find out is ‘ how bad was to drive to his place and confront him’. Should’ve just left it alone and back off myself?

    What to do?

    thanks,

    angelica



  416.  #416Dominique on November 21, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Angelica – The only thing to do here is stop focusing on him. You need to put your focus instead firmly back on you, taking care of YOU in the most exquisitely gentle, kind ways possible. Self care rituals, meditation, filling you life up – with activities which make you feel good, people who make you smile.

    This man will come around, or he won’t, yet would you really want to let back in a man who would do this?

    I would also encourage you to have a look at this pattern in your life. Do you tend to lean forward more of the time? Take the lead in relationships? Do too much?

    Instead of BEing and FEELing in the relationship.

    xxoo



  417.  #417Angelica on November 22, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Dominique… thank you for your input.

    I am finding very hard to focus on me right now, I am feeling devastaded and depressed that I had to go through this again. I am second guessing my behavior and being really hard on me for showing up unannounced. But, had I not done that …I would’ve found out later when I was probably more emotionally invested.
    Yes, you are right… I lean too much and I try to accomodate too much. That is exactly what happenend here. He kept telling me how busy he was, so I did most of the driving to make things easier for him.

    I definitely need to make some changes.. just don’t where to start. I need to keep my emotions in check and don’t give out so much right away.

    thanks…. 🙂
    angelica



  418.  #418Dominique on November 22, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Angelica – you don’t need to know where to start. simply take a step. in any direction. trust yourself. 🙂

    xxoo



  419.  #419Angelica on November 22, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Thank you Dominique! I am very low at the moment, feeling betrayed and him shifting the blame on me because I showed up unannounced is not helping. I know it was unnapropriate but, I can’t change that!
    The only good thing about all this is- I know he was not being honest with me, eventhough he denies.

    The fact the he refuses to speak to me, also hurts me.
    It shall pass….

    a.



  420.  #420b on November 30, 2013 at 3:59 am

    on the subject of the man who was chatting with other women on craigslist,,haha this exact same thing happened to me,, dating a man for 2 years,, who would give me the world if he could,,,, loves me like no other man has,,,, then leaves his computer on one day to run out while i was there,, i hadnt planned on snooping as i never felt i had reason to,, so i just kinda browsed,, and was devastated to see comments, and emails he had been sending,, on chats, i also, was playing with his phone that he left by mistake in my car one day,, after i had dropped him off ,it was a new touch phone ,,l dont have one , so i was just playin around with it when i found some msgs, from him and whomever,, back and forth,,that was the second time, both times he denied it,,,and both times i asked him how he would deny it when its right in front of his face with the proof?… he said it wasnt anything,, and that he felt i wasnt paying enough attention to him ,, so he got it that way,, and then the other time said it was for a friend and they were just muckin around one night after drinks,, but the last time when i found an old facebook msg, telling one of his old old gfs that he still loved her and always would , was so hurtful i found it hard to believe any thing he said after that,, he blamed me as we had not been able to spend valentines day together,, due to i worked and was really tired \and was late so we didnt get together although we had the previous couple days spent them together, what i had hoped was that i would even get a rose or a friggen dinner,, and i got piss all,, so ya i figured fuck it why be more tired at work when i wasnt even gonna get a dinner out or nada,, i just got to the point where i didnt trust him ,, as i have had a few relationships where this had happened men cheating and i just have a strong boundary when it comes to cheating in any way,, our relationship has grown apart due to this,,and yes its a trust issue,,for me, but he doesnt understand why,,and the physical attention,,for me,, just kinda got weaker,,so anyone have any advice. as now he has detached himself claiming that i didnt give him what he needed,, and i actually really love him but because of my past issues,, trust is huge,, am i wrong for feeling cheated,,on ,, if its online,, then where else,, is how i look at it,, like how do i know he hasnt met any of them ,, i dont know its hard to get over broken trust,, heres the thing,, he has really proved he loves me,, and its complicated,,its like a friggen book if i got into it all ,,,but yes we have struggled through some hard times together in the past 2 years,,..to me thats how real realtionships are built,, by working at things,, but before he left i kinda detached myself in many ways,,iincluding not feeling real intimacy with him due to always wondering if he cheated besides,, internet,,although he swears he didnt and loved me more then i know,, so what the hell do i do,,, so many mixed feelings on this level,is it me over reacting or am i right to feel that if i give my heart to someone it will be broken and right now,,emotionally after so many men have done this,, i dont think i could go through another hurt,, so ya,,the wall ,, that i let down,,slowly has gone back up,,i need some big time advice from anyone who has any opinions on how to move on or move in with him haha thanks



  421.  #421Rori Raye on November 30, 2013 at 10:01 am

    b – Welcome – and I look forward to hearing what the community here has to say to help you.

    For me, none of this means anything. Some women would be fine with this level of detachment and withholding of information (if not outright lying) – and decide this man was worth it, and work to cement the relationship by “giving him the attention he says he needs” while demanding total and complete honesty at all times – so relationship issues could be fixed BEFORE he went elsewhere.

    Some women would conclude it just wasn’t worth it. They want a true-blue man who wouldn’t even THINK of going elsewhere before hammering out the issue “at home.”

    The problem is – many women are bored silly with “true-blue” men, and would rather take their chances with a “bad boy” at this low level of “badness” – (EXCEPT for the undying love comment to the ex gf – that might be a dealbreaker for many women).

    So – where do YOU stand? The information doesn’t mean anything. It’s just information for you to decide how to use.
    There’s no one here except you and him. It’s YOUR life. How do you want to be IN it?

    Love, Rori



  422.  #422maggie on December 3, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Hello
    I must be feeling really bad to write my story …
    I met a gentlemen 7 months ago which swore he was so in love with me i tried refusing him for a bit till i finally gave him a chance i had been separated for about three year but still married to my misfortune and my babys there daddy past this other gentlemen was there so he said for us to try to bare the pain. My kids dealt with loss a bit better but then again he said he would never leave them. I tried not mentioning my ex husband . Though he was divorce he said he had been separated for 2 yrs he lied women wouldnt let him see the kids and i guess they kept contact. He met my family which breaks my heart told them how he was being true and honest he loved me and wanted to marry me he showered me with gifts and an engagement ring to me it seemed weird he was possesive and overly jealous that it made me just snap at times . But even though thru that i put up with it till recently he walked out and got his apartment and all of the sudden is working things out with her he broke my heart and my kids hearts i feel cheated used and upset an anger that i cant seem to control how could someone swear he loves you and from one day to another (6months) later I’m trying figure out what the hell just happen i notice he divorce was finalized in June 2013. How could someone get so much into debt for a girl they dont love and not cause i asked him for anything but he just wanted to buy me everything. Now he is working things out with her and me and my pride i stop and think oh hell i dont want nothing I’m going to pay him back every penny. But stop myself why should i he lied and he did it to himself how can i just get over all this please help me girls i feel like such a fool . Excuse my grammer hiding at work just to type all I hope you guys understand somewhat Im broken hearted and feel rage and hate and hurt



  423.  #423MarieP on December 4, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Hello All,
    I have been reading a lot of Rori’s blog topics and I realized that I have been leaning forward and doing too much in my relationship. I have searched and could not find an answer to my situation so any help would be great.

    I have been in a relationship for 2 years and we moved in together very quickly. I knew him from many years ago and we ran into each other and quickly fell in love (so I thought). He is 15 years older but I did not see that as an issue. He has been married twice and I am divorced. Everything was amazing! His friends said they had never seen act the way he did with me and they had never seen him so in love. My family and friends were just as excited for me.

    About 6 months into the relationship, I realized he had been communicating with one of his exes and I confronted him about it. He swore there was nothing to it and that he loved me and felt more for me than anyone he has ever been with. I talked to one of his female friends about it and she said that he had a tendency to bounce back to this female and dump her when he entered a new relationship…but she was always somewhere in the picture because they were friends and she was in love with him. She assured me that he did not want a relationship with this girl, but he continued a sexual relationship with her and she wouldn’t turn him down. A couple of months later, I snooped and caught him at another female “friend’s” apartment during afternoon work hours and he said they were discussing work issues. Again, I foolishly ACCEPTED his excuse even though I knew deep down they were having sex. I had no proof and therefore I convinced myself that I was overracting…what if I was wrong. A few months later, he went out to a bar and got another woman’s phone number and at that point, I had enough! I put him out and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him. He begged me not to make this mistake and told me he loved me and wanted to work things out. He promised to make me happy and never hurt me again. He said he wanted to marry me.

    I agreed to work on things with him but I told him he had to come clean in order to do so. He admitted that he had slept with two of the women and one had given him oral sex. I was devastated but I was so in love that I hoped and prayed that this was his turn around point.

    That has been a year and a lot has changed. One woman has moved out of the country, one has moved to a new city and the other won’t speak to him because she didn’t know about me and felt used. Since all of this I will admit; I have been snooping and I know that he continues to communicate with the two women who moved away via email. They check on each other from time to time and it’s typically a “hey, hows it going” type of message. In the midst of all of this our sex life has plummeted. We had a great sex life and we would do it 3 to 5 time a week. Now we are lucky if we do it once in 2 weeks. He says he’s old (he’s 50) and he’s not a machine. I’m in my 30’s and my libido is crazy. At one point, I would initiate and after being rejected several times….I STOPPED. This caused me to to completely withdraw. I even ask why I would allow this type of treatment. I’ve NEVER gone through anything like this before. Never really been in love, but I’ve always been the type to walk away and not look back. He says he wants to get married in a couple of months and I have completely withdrawn. He seems to be ok with how things are right now and I’m miserable. I try to date myself as Rori suggested but it’s difficult because he always wants to tag along and I don’t know if I should tell him no and isolate him even further. Sometime I wish he was gone, and then I immediately get anxious and feel that I will be regretful if I let him go. He’s very charismatic…very handsome and he knows it. There’s not a lot of dating options for women in my town and a guy like him will have his pick of the litter. Should I walk away? Is this even salvageable? Should I even be considering saving this relationship? Each day I’m growing stronger and stronger by reading all of the comments and listening to the cd’s but I just can’t get over the hump.



  424.  #424Rori Raye on December 5, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Marie – if the sex is a dealbreaker, then it’s a dealbreaker. Either he works to fix that for you, or – I can’t make the decision for you. This is why women cheat. They don’t want to leave a good man – even though he doesn’t want to have sex. That’s an option, too – open relationship. love, Rori