I’m going to tackle “Rejection” here.

So many of us have stayed a long time in a relationship where we’ve been rowing the boat, carrying the water, doing EVERYTHING imaginable to keep the boat AFLOAT and it’s just falling apart.  He’s just so careless about us we don’t know what to do next. (Yes, I know, you can beat yourself up for another few years over staying “too long” – but I won’t allow you – no beating yourself up over ANYTHING – Deal? )

Marplot is in this situation, and she has so many feelings – please read her comments here – but what I’m going to talk about in this post is how getting mad at HIM because he doesn’t love us, because he’s “rejected” us wrecks your self-esteem and paralyzes us:

Marplot, okay – this is going to call for some bravery and determination.

The only reason we stay in a relationship with a man who clearly does not love us the way we love him is because we believe that’s all we deserve.

We believe we are unlovable, and that the only way we can get love is to work hard to get it.

So – we work hard.  We work diligently, and sometimes it works and he’s sweet and attentive and affectionate, and sometimes it doesn’t and he neglects us, ignores us, and seems indifferent.

And all we can feel is that somehow, whatever’s happened, whatever he’s done or not done – is because of US.

In other words – we believe that we somehow have some CONTROL over everything that happens and everything he does.

And so we make ourselves crazy trying to reproduce whatever we did that had a GOOD result, and trying to figure out what we did that DIDN’T work so well.

And this is how we end up pushing a perfectly good man away, and staying stuck in a fatal dance with a man who will NEVER be able to step up to the plate.

Simply put – LOVE has nothing to do with the mind.

I don’t care what anyone says, you do not fall in love with someone because of what you THINK.

Yes – you can use your mind to do the work you need to do to put Tools into motion and love yourself more, and do more for your own life and thus INSPIRE a man to come forward – but you cannot get love from a man who did not START with a feeling of genuine love.

You can create a situation that will push him away and cause him to LOSE his feeling of love, and you can ATTRACT a man profoundly by creating both safety and excitement for him around YOURSELF.

But you cannot make a man love you who does not WANT to love you.

So – this is why you must Circular Date.  This is why you must always have your options open.  This is why you must hold onto your Power and your fierce love for yourself.  This is why you must not tolerate even an evening with a man that does not feel good.

It’s time, Marplot – and you too, if you’re in this same situation – to “cut bait.”

Drop the ball, put down the oars, shower yourself with the water of love instead of drenching him, and turn yourself around.

Every moment you feel angry that he isn’t stepping up – that’s better than feeling dread and fear.

Every moment you get out there and do something – anything – FUN – that’s better than anger.

Every moment you focus yourself on what feels good, you CROWD OUT all the icky, angry feelings.  They just won’t have any room to take over your thoughts and your heart anymore.

So – Marplot – just step-by-step – LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT.  CROWD HIM OUT of your thoughts and your heart.  Fill yourself up – so full, to overflowing, with fun things, and meaningful things, and creative thoughts, and heart-stopping beauty in the world of nature and the world of people, and move forward into your future.

Yes – it’s the unknown.  Yes, you will NO LONGER be with ANY man who doesn’t make you feel good, secure, happy and pleasured.  Yes, it’s scary.  Yes it’s a transition.

Start with ONE step (you have already) and we’ll all be here to support you.

Love, Rori

41 Comments

  1.  #1Marplot on October 15, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    Thank you Rori this has really helped me to feel better!

    I am going to use this chance to start spending my weekend doing things that I usually don’t do: like taking a self defense class- and going to the wild animal rehab center, and start doing undergrad research in something that I’m interested in and many other things! I’m still going to stay here so that I can have the knowledge on how to the make the next relationship really great and to improve myself esteem and thinking.

    I really feel like things are going to get better and better.

    The thing that I really like about your program is the fact that you don’t just say to get over it- and you break everything down into little easy steps. Another great plus is the fact that every little step doesn’t just help with that relationship- it helps with all the other relationship, positive thinking and self esteem issues.



  2.  #2alias girl on October 15, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    I agree! Rori you are offering concrete, do-able, baby steps that can change a person’s entire life rather quickly. I can FEEL the results. And I just thank God I found you!!



  3.  #3Reshi on October 15, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    I’m having trouble leaving comments…they aren’t showing up



  4.  #4Reshi on October 15, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    But ultimately, what it comes down to is this: I’m now in a relationship with a man who DID start out with feelings of genuine love…and it’s not there now, and I am trying to decide whether I should leave. Every day I feel angry and sad.



  5.  #5alias girl on October 16, 2008 at 12:08 am

    that sounds like a very painful situation to be in reishi. what do you Want? what is your desired outcome? what are your wants? esp what are your wants that have nothing to do with him but everything to do with reishi?



  6.  #6Daria on October 16, 2008 at 1:51 am

    ok i definitely feel rejected… this driving to a guy thing is NOT feeling good… the experimenting thing is showing me this…

    I also think I am communicating ina pushing away mode… I feel unsure and insecure… What used to be a close relationship where I felt Adored is now mostly tension and frustration…

    the thing is… i used to be driving back then as well… so I think it’s me breaking my decision not to drive that is giving me poor results… or perhaps just something between us is not working…



  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 16, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Marplot, Thank you – just keep going, you GO GIRL!, Reshi – I’m starting a new series for you – How to Bring the Sex and Juice back is the topic – look for it – I’ll make a new category.

    And Daria – okay – this is going to sound hard, and it’s just a transitional challenge.

    The way out of the pain of a transition of being a woman who “serves” to being a woman who is “served,” is Circular Dating.

    The men who you “serve” are NOT able to serve you. They are not relationship material. So of course they’re going to “reject” you. The way you have to look at this is — if you stop rowing, and they never pick up the oars, you’ve got way better things to do with your time, energy and heart – and tons more men to choose from who DO want to row the boat.

    I know this for a fact because of my husband and all of my clients. And I know that NOTHING in a man’s “life” makes a difference here. Even a man who’s struggling with work, money, all kinds of things – if he’s a “rower” who WANTS, inside himself, to ROW (And MOST men are…) – then he’ll row. Unless you stop him by rowing YOURSELF.

    And if he’s NOT a rower, if his mother did all the rowing and all his girlfriends, and he’s got “issues” – the Quiz in my Toxic Men program will help you identify these kinds of non-rowing men – he will NEVER row. No matter WHAT you do.

    This is NOT personal. If he doesn’t row – it’s outta there for you, and on to the many nexts.

    Love, Rori



  8.  #8Microsofty on October 16, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    Daria, I can relate to not wanting to drive to see him!
    This is my situation;
    I don’t think it’s fair to make a woman drive for 3.5 hours to feel like she has someone in her life. I figure, I am a good woman, and I deserve for HIM to show interest by driving to see me. Afterall, I do other things to show I care.
    This article helped, somewhat.



  9.  #9jessie on October 16, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    two and a half years of rowing and I finally left him two weeks ago. Having second thoughts, maybe I pushed him by talking about feelings all the time. He closed up more and more, became very cold and indifferent.
    He always begged me not to leave him, when I talked about it, but in the end, we both knew we could not go on. It’s sad to me because he appears to want a true committed bond with a woman. He always told me he didn’t think he could because he didn’t know how



  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 16, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Jessie, thank you for sharing your story. He will call you. Use every Tool you have from my book and programs to LeanBack, smile, be warm, and speak in Feeling Messages.

    If this man can’t step up, there are plenty more who will…Love, Rori



  11.  #11alias girl on October 16, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    i want a man who rows. i also want a man who pays for dates (and teddy bears, flowers, maybe a pretty bracelet, dinners) I don’t care if I sound materialistic. I have never had a man WANT to show his affection/love/commitment via his wallet. And our society has set it up that that is a main way a man provides for a woman. I don’t care if I make more money than him. I don’t care if he needs to go broke to try and please me —ok, i do care about that but only bc i want a man who can manage his money well.

    Also, I want a man who opens the car door for me. I want a man who offers to carry stuff for me. I want a MANLY man. I want a man who rows.

    Sometimes i think about that guy (that i really liked) that i recently let go of. I think he was used to women rowing the boat. But i honestly don’t think it excited him. It was just what he knew and had experienced. But everytime I leaned back and became a girl, he stepped up and became a boy. And he seemed to walk taller bc of it. He seemed happier to be with me. Like I had more value to him. I don’t know if he’ll show back up again. Truth is I’m not exactly sure we would have even worked in a relationship or been compatible. How does one know when to move into a relationship? I guess it would seem like a natural progression. That’s the thing. It seemed like we (this ex and me) would have naturally progressed to more intimacy, possibly exclusivity, but he did everything in his power to keep it at a sort of ‘sex only ‘ kind of thing (he took me out only bc i basically wouldn’t see him if he didn’t. it didn’t even feel good when he took me out. he barely did anyhow it was always some low cost, not preplanned whatever thing. plus he often called last minute. sometimes I’d go with him, sometimes i wouldn’t. it didn’t matter to me in the beginning bc i didn’t want anything serious with him. I didn’t give him much cred that he’d be anyone i’d really be interested in for a serious relationship but I was interested in sex with him. then months later i was interested in following what seemed to be a natural progression between us and he was interested in using will power to make sure that didn’t happen. anyway, i didn’t even mean to write a bunch of paragraphs about that guy. i let go of him.

    my point is I WANT A MAN WHO ROWS.



  12.  #12alias girl on October 17, 2008 at 12:50 am

    so i am starting to get why practicing on Every man is useful. i have come so far in such a short amount of time. huge shifts in the way i see men and myself and the world. i have a different connection to my dreams (they actually seem possbile now and not something i have to keep in a drawer bc they were just wishful thinking. i was just online on my dating sighr and the quality of men who are contacting me now is way higher. and i’m trying to use feeling messages even when i want to write the guy off just as an experiment to see what results i get. it’s very interesting. some results are easily predictable but sometimes i take a chance and am interestingly surprised. yae! this is all Fun. except the murky water bad feelings. not so fun. once i get to the other side of them they’re fun but not in the midst of them when i just want to stuff them and distract myself or Complain.oh how bad a habit that is. complain instead of feel my intense yucky feelings. but itls so great to get through them and then have that surge of powerful energy and then i can effortlessly take and action step from my list. this is awesome, rori!



  13.  #13Bethany on October 17, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    I’ve been feeling rejected and off-balance lately with my guy, and so tonight he called me to aske me to go to a movie with him and his friend–and I feel sick of all these casual group outings–I don’t have time for casual! I’d been feeling pretty low all day, but feeling it and not stuffing it. I told him no! And lately, and in every situation with a man who rocks me, I always say yes more often than not! He asked me if I would be busy all weekend and I said that I have things to do, and he said okay, talk to you later I said okay see you! Well, this is a big baby step for me because I let my true feeling carry me through and speak through my other needy feelings of wanting to say “yes!! Take me to the movie and be my buddy! I want your crumbs!” AND I think this is key–I didn’t pretend to be all nice and sweet like I feel like I have to be ALL the time. I said “okay, see you,” instead of “Oh, okay well you just have the greatest night” or whatever. I started to feel guilty but then I stopped myself–no beating ourselves up, ladies!



  14.  #14Rori Raye on October 17, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    Bethany = fantastic – Brava!! Just keep doing what you’re doing, love Rori



  15.  #15Marplot on October 19, 2008 at 7:03 am

    Well today is the 4th day that I have not seen my crush. Today I will be hanging out with a friend and doing homework.

    Friday and Saturdays are the hardest days for me- but I know that If I get through them- then I can easily get through the rest of the week. I had so much planned on Saturday but it sort of fell through. The party didn’t have as much activities as I thought it did. I pretty much seemed to do the whole day trying to figure out what I should do. However, I was pretty tired because I had a week of intensive hard work and I deserved a day off. Now I feel like going back to work.

    I have started my own journal, to write down my problems, create flips, question them, tweak them, and imagine what would happen if they came true.



  16.  #16Marplot on October 19, 2008 at 7:14 am

    I keep thinking about him though- but then I force my self to think about some of the other goals that I was to achieve. Right now, he has some of my stuff- he is still using it know and I am not going to go other there to ask for it back. I’m know that he will return it after he is done.
    One thing that drove me crazy was how inconsistent he is. It sometimes seemed that he was two different people. One who love me and make me happy that I was pushing away- the other just wanting to use me and hurt me. Some times he would tell me that he wanted to cuddle and then after later he would say that he hate cuddling. Some times he would start stroking my hair and my face and then he just wanted to be friends with no hugging benefits. When ever he was mad at me and thought that I was being controlling- he would take away physical touch. This whole semester, I have been pretty good and I focus on feeling messages and not getting angry at him but just telling him what I feel. How ever, I have gotten even less attention than I did in the past. I feel like he only likes to give me attention when I’m casually going out with other men. So now I know that even if I become the perfect girl friend that he would never love me. He seemed to get upset if I thanked him for anything. So I sort of think that he also wanted to have a bad relationship because he has low self esteem. So we both made mistakes. I can fix mine and move on but that is all that I can do.



  17.  #17jamie on October 22, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    I was with a guy all summer and just 2 weeks ago he told me he’s involved with someone else. This was Friday night and she would be here Sunday and he was taking her to a celebration which I always attend. That was the only reason he told me about her-he suggested I not attend. I hate him and I love him, but have absolutely no trust in him. Since that Friday we have not spoken-he blocked my cell, I knew because I had text him to return my belongings. He always plays the victim in every scenario. I want to forget him-my mind says-my heart says how can you, you love him——HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!



  18.  #18Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    Jamie, You cannot love a man like this.

    You can feel still hooked in by your hormones – and that’s what’s happening to you. You’re going to have to stop thinking about him – please go through my Power & Self Esteem series here on the blog, do all the exercises, and learn how to turn your thoughts around and lift your energy up so it FEELS GOOD.

    You can work with accepting that he has stopped seeing you – even though you don’t like it.

    You can look at this as a great opportunity to get away from a man who is clearly not right for you and meet someone else – and still feel enraged.

    And your situation is EXACTLY what Circular Dating is designed to PREVENT.

    Never, ever, ever become exclusive with a man – ever again – until you have what you want in terms of commitment and feel totally secure.

    My heart goes out to you, and you will heal within the week if you do the Tools and turn your attention to yourself – and to other men who are interested in you.

    Love, Rori



  19.  #19Carmela on October 24, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Circular dating sounds good to me. I am meeting men. Men are offering me things, me are offering to help me if they see me looking like I need some help. That is good and that feels good. But no one has been asking me out lately, even men I know are interested in me. I started seeing a counselor earlier this month and she suggests that I take some time off from dating for a while and just focus on myself. But I don’t want to lose the momentum I have built up with my work here. And no one has actually asked me out yet. How should I handle this? My therapist says I have “bumb magnet” as far as attracting good men right now and I need to leave dating alone until I fix that. Should I just keep working on myself and all my Rori stuff and not worry about getting dates? I feel like I am going to start getting asked out soon and I did meet a guy on line who wants to chat with me from eHarmony, but we haven’t gotten up to meeting each other yet or anything like that. How should I proceed? I don’t want to mess up anything with my therapy, but I don’t want to miss out on any learning that may occur for me in the land of circular dating once the dates start rolling in or is this just something that will work itself out as I keep working on myself?



  20.  #20Cassandra on October 25, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    My ‘fiance” and I just broke up last night which is absolutely killing me inside. He says that he still loves me and hopes that once I move out of our home and into my own place (In a city where I know NO ONE and am totally alone) that some space and time to allow GOD to fix things with us and bring us back together in GOS’s time and in GOD’s way so that things can be ‘right’ (after he moved me here from another state and city to marry him and then he announced with no discussion at all that we were not getting married in the timeframe discussed….. that he IS going to marry me but can’t tell me when…oh and that we were not having children once married – again with no discussion what so ever). He said that he cannot put up with my emotions/ crying anymore and “does not want to be bothered anymore”.

    I gave up everything for this man and now I have to move out of our home which is the only home that I have known since giving up my beautiful 16th floor apartment with a view in the city from which I moved. He does not spend any time with me except on HIS terms and when HE wants to spend time with me even though we are in the same house…..my needs & feelings do not matter at all to him. He does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it and how he wants to do it and thinks nothing of me at all.

    I am totally alone here and do not know a soul other than him and I was layed off back in July so I don’t even have a job to go to in order to ‘get away’ for a minute. I know that there absolutely MUST be something serioulsly wrong with me Rori because I believe that he is a narcissist and is terribly emotionally abusive in that he treats me as though I do not even exist, has no sense of empathy whatsoever and seems to get a sense of fun out making me cry yet only PART of me wants to leave. The other part still ‘loves’ him and wants it to work and is devastated at being ‘dumped’ by a man that I have given all that I am to. When things are good, they are really good but when they are bad it is hell.

    Today, I have finally hit the point where I have not even left the house and could barely get out of bed. I have absolutely nothing that is mine now…nothing and I am honestly wondering how or even if I can get through this and if I do…for what? I am so down that I am no longer the beautiful, fun, smart, witty person that I used to be as he has destroyed all of that in me to the degree that I can’t even function.



  21.  #21Cassandra on October 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Jessie…..I admire your strength. It is my hope to get to the point where I can leave because that is WHAT IS BEST FOR ME and truly believe it. You are an inspiration and thank you for sharing your story.
    –Cassandra



  22.  #22Jacky (Jacqueline Fenton) on November 2, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    Dear Rori:
    Your emails with advice, support and situations of others have helped me to see and understand who I am.
    I rowed the boat for many years. Caregiver, peacemaker, giver to all and never a taker or receiver. Self confident, I know how attractive I am, what a great body I have, talented and intlligent with so much love in my heart I feel that the more love I give the more love I have to give.
    For 27 years I loved and trusted my husband unconditionally. During the last 14 years with him, he denied me sex. He had congestive heart failure and I knew the medications and his condition played a huge role in this prior to his Heart Transplant. Before, during and after his surgery I waited on him hand and foot 24/7. kept all stress from him, saved his life so many times I have lost count, ruined my own health by not sleeping enough, not eating and being in constant overdrive. Our intimacy, cuddling, touching and being together came to a permanent halt after he received the new heart. No matter what I did or said he shut me out of his life more and more and eventually completely. Devistated, 2 or three times a year I would broach the subject of getting closer, doing things together and working on our relationship. Nothing ever changed. He became extremely critical of me (he was never like that before), he went on more and more “Golf” trips without me, worked later and later in his “volunteer” capacity as president, chairman or director of many different organizations. He attended dinner parties with “our” friends saying I was not invited. Then just before our Christmas vacation, 8
    years post transplant, when once again I asked if he would like to be intimate again or work to get our reationship back, he very enthusiastically said, “YES,YES, this is what I want “! Sure enough while we were away he had sex with me. No foreplay, no kissing, just wham-bam and no “thank you Maam”. However I was thrilled at the prospect of renewing our love and togetherness.
    That was the first and last time we were intimate in 14 years. He returned from vacation earlier than I due to emergency meetings, or so he said. When I returned he met me at the airport. I was full of anticipation and happiness for our being “Together” again. This is when he told me to “Get Out., the marriage is over”! I did not leave, had nowhere to go. Moving in with his adulterous affair (which he denied having) and serving me with divorce papers that same week was also the beginning of horrendous abuse – Verbal,
    Financial, Psychological and terrifying threats. He had meticulously (with lies and deceit) alienated me from every single person I have ever known including MY only daughter (his step daughter) and 4 granddaughters. My Mum has been my only support system. She is my best friend and the greatest Mum in the World. Unfortunately she is in the last stages of Heart and Kidney Failure and will not be leaving the hospital.
    Rori, I accept my role in the failure of our marriage. I rowed the boat, asked for nothing and that is exactly what I received. My (retired attorney) ex chose a woman who is my exact opposite. Unnown sources have sent me photo’s of her and stated she is frumpy, ugly
    and has no class. The pictures of them together do not lie.
    Yes, my self esteem has returned. I am no longer afraid of him. Although he took all of our assetts and left me with all of our debt (which I have not been able to service so will be forced into bankruptcy) , with no home, no income, no vehicle while they go everywhere in our plane, vacations in Europe, Cruises etc., I am now at peace knowing how lucky I am to be out of this 27 year “Toxic” relationship.
    Thank you Rori for allowing me to get where I am now.
    Sincerely, Jacky



  23.  #23Beth on November 2, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    My ex and I broke up about 7 months ago. He didn’t have the same feelings for me or wasn’t “in love” with me anymore. I really want to be with him again and I know my insecurity drove him off. I did everything for him. I know that was a big mistake.
    When we first broke up I acted soooo needy. I was crying all the time and begging so he stopped speaking to me. Slowly he started coming around again and I started acting somewhat normal. Now we talk everyday (he calls or texts…mostly calls). H still doesn’t want to go anywhere together and he doesn’t come to see me. I am always nice to him when we talk and don’t question him about anything besides “us” sometimes, which he never wants to talk about. It is so obvious I want us to work things out and he always says he “isn’t ready” and “doesn’t want to answer to anyone”.
    I don’t know what to do but I know I am not ready to move on.
    Just looking for any advice.



  24.  #24Rori Raye on November 2, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    Beth – Welcome – and the cure for you is Circular Dating – read all my posts on it, and read how the other wonderful women on this blog are doing it. You don’t have to “move on” and never see or talk with him again – you just have to keep moving forward in your life – even with him in it.

    If he ever asks you for a date, date him along with every other man you’re dating. That’s the way to do it. Love, Rori



  25.  #25Rori Raye on November 2, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    Jacky, Thank you for your story – and I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. I hope you got excellent representation during the financial settlement of the divorce, and am shocked and dismayed that you’ve ended up with nothing –

    And yet I want to support you 1000% percent to now go forward and live the life and love you so totally deserve. Love, Rori



  26.  #26Lee on November 4, 2008 at 10:30 am

    Hi Rori,
    Your ideas are very fascinating, and I particularly find the one about being in a rowboat and leaning back to be inspiring. Thank you.

    My situation is kind of odd. My husband was always the one more like the women in your stories — ie he was rowing the boat all the time, and doing it very hard. It was me that was not being attentive back. It was like I was taking it all for granted. Then he decided to leave me 6 months ago, and moved out 2 months ago. He has not filed for divorce yet. He says he wants to be friends but that he is not in love with me anymore and wants his independence.

    I realized all my mistakes and have been trying hard to correct them. But for me, it seems that that means i needed to do some of the boat rowing. I mean – now that he is not rowing anymore because he got tired of it, I feel like I need to make the effort to show him that i realize how much he means to me and how much I really do care. If I just focus on myself, he will just think I am being how I used to be — ie selfish, into me, and only concerned about what works for me.

    Any thoughts on this strange role-reversal situation?



  27.  #27Rori Raye on November 4, 2008 at 11:44 am

    Lee – this is a great question – and it is NOT going to be solved by turning yourself into a boy – you’re going to have to be MORE girl, and be receiving, open, warm, APPRECIATIVE, admiring, accessible – welcoming. An Invitation.

    I’ll write a post jumping off of this, look for the link to it here –

    Love, Rori



  28.  #28Lee on November 4, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    Hi Rori,
    It said to look for a link “here”, but I was not sure what that meant.

    Anyway – I would love to be all those more girl things — but if I do not call him and ask him if he wants to get together or something, then he does not call me. I mean, if he is already seeing someone else, he is not thinking about calling me anyway. I feel like I have to do something to remind him that I am around!



  29.  #29Sasha on November 9, 2008 at 8:49 am

    Hi,
    my husband and I got married because of accident.(i got pregnant). He didnt love me at all, and until now he never loves me. Now, my baby is 7 months old. When I was expecting, he ever went seeing his ex and didn’t care about my feelings. He often said that he didnt wanna get married actually. My heart really hurt.
    Until now, I just can keep this feeling inside. Sometimes I told him what I didn’t like, but he seemed not care at all. He’s player type who had many girls and affairs. how stupid I was why I didnt leave him before I got pregnant??? He’s the type of flirty guy. I didnt like it!
    I ever told him that I need attention, I need to be hugged, I love romantic guy..but it never happen. Like any other normal women, I need attention, I need to be loved, I need to be hugged, I need to be treated gently.
    I am so depressed..
    there’s no need regretting what had happened, right?
    I love my son so much that I dont want to be apart from him. the questions on my head are Will I hurt him if I take him away from his Dad? Do I hurt my parents again if I get divorce?
    Can I make him love me?
    Do you agree if I get divorce? How do I tell him about this? I mean, I ever told him about it, but he thought I wasnt serious.
    please help me..
    thank you so much 🙂
    God bless..



  30.  #30Jacky (Jacqueline Fenton) on November 9, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Rori: – Update –
    I have been going to dances lately. My dream is to have my own dance studio and will teach everything from Classical Ballet to Salsa.
    Anyway, although I am not “circular dating” yet, when the right invitation comes, I AM READY.
    The support I have received and compliments too from members at the various Legions I have been to, rocked my boat (literally) so hard that my “Oars” went overboard. I replaced them along with the boat for a new sleek Motor Boat with DUAL controls. LOL. Now, if a man does not work his side of the boat, it just will not run, period, and we will never leave the dock.
    Rori, thank you again and again. Although I have my sad moments they are no longer crippling. My self esteem, positive outlook and eagerness to get more and more back into Life, (through your teachings), have me smiling with anticipation everyday. The “Magic” moment of complete understanding hit me like a ton of bricks after reading your message about “rowing the boat”. Afterwards I went back and re-read all of your material and devoured every word in a new light.
    Keep up the good work, God Bless You Rori,
    Jacky



  31.  #31ROX on November 15, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    What about feelings when feeling rejected? When you man does not want to be touched for several nights or month? But loves you very much.. How do you read what is it? Business is one, finances? All the affection that was there the first 3 yrs seems to fade and not be like it was once.. The passion seems to be missing from him… what do you feel one needs to say or do to fire it back up again? How do you just say this to a man who has high blood pressure, impotent anyway? The careful words to choose to say with out showing disappointment… he is wonderful to me and loves me but I want the fire again the passion.. Do relationships really change that much when your both inyour late 50?s but as a couple for 3 yrs now? I am not familiar with relationships in the first place.. I want the sex everynite we can but I also understand sometimes that’s not practical on his side but how do I bring it to him gracefully?
    Dressing up in play clothes do not seem to always work now and the toys we once did well we do not any longer either… can you advise? Trips are not the thing he travels. Dinner out or home do not seem to always work either.. Quiet fires an relaxation are good for us but then that seems to be it.. We wine an dine out and are always doing together when he is in town but how do I start the fire back in him? I understand men get relaxed in relationships and then the passion fades but I do not like that. I want the passion with out him feeling it is his lack of performance sometimes,,, what does one do to help a man along? Any ideas?



  32.  #32Sharon on November 22, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Need your advise Rorie: I met a guy on match about four months ago… he wrote me first and well i knew I was attracted to him and then he called me and I knew even more I was attracted to him. I am 49 years old; he is 50. Neither of us have been married or have children. I live in the city; he lives in the suburb… at first we talked on the phone maybe 2 or three times a week… then he disappeared for about 3 weeks and then he called me just like that… I was dating and so I did not think that much about it… then he started calling me more often and we finally met and we hit it off great…. the chemistry between us was very strong… we kissed passionately on the first night of meeting. He continued to call me and we one another again a few days later… messed around some. He came over to my place, but took me out to dinner first… then he stopped calling me and disappeared for like a week or two? And then he calls me again… well, I told him I was going out on date … and so he soon wants to see me again.. I told him I joined this expensive matchmaking service (I was off match then) cost me $3,500 and he wanted to help me get my money back because I told him I was not happy and I was not Rorie.. I went out on two dates and they were nothing what I wanted or asked for. He and I had sex just like that only once and well then he would call me every night and help me during the day too to get my money back with this service…. everything was happening fast.. I was really starting to like him, but I could tell I was getting angry inside me because I saw him on match alot… and I knew from the beginning that he was not exclusive material.. he told me that, but I told him I was. He told me he would not do anything that would go over that boundary that we each had, but when we had sex, I thought he would want me more… he did act like it from calling me often, but he continued on match … and well so did I and I kept dating guys though I only did it because I knew I needed to —- so I did not think of him all the time… he would ask me… so were you out on a date. Okay, so we ended up getting an argument and he hung up on me for something I said. I did not call him back that evening, but the next day I e-mailed him and apologized to him and he said “you’re just mean”… I was hurting because I felt I lost him… he was on match alot now… and searching big time.. I felt him pull away.. so then I pushed him away more and told him good-bye and I did not want anything to do with him anymore… well, he sent me a letter the next day to this company to try and get my money back … I told him that he did not have to do this anymore. He said that we are not compatible, but that he was invested in helping me and he wanted to continue to help me… so that is what is happening to date, but it is strictly just that… helping me get my money back. My question is… I want to cut off all correspondence with him because I know he is with someone else… he found someone that he is interested in, but yet, he is being my helper too.. though I do not contact him unless he does so first and only on helping me get my money back….but I am jealous because right now I am not dating anyone… I no one is even biting (i am on match). I really would like my money back from the matchmaking service because it was way too much money to spend… but I don’t want to give up now because we are almost done with the dispute .. just one more letter to my credit card company and then we wait it out and see…. but I almost want to just drop the entire thing because maybe the service would do me good …. but I don’t want to go back on my word to this guy helping me either… because then if there would be any hope at all in him wanting to perhaps like me again? then I would have blown it all… because he already feels I change my mind too much…. can not make up my mind….

    Your thoughts Rorie would be truly appreciated. I am use to cutting off all correspondence to a man I know is not interested in me for what I need and want in a relationship, but like I said, I am only corresponding with him now because we may have that 50/50 chance of getting my money back… and he is helping me… and without his help I could not do it. But it hurts that he is happy and with someone else and does not pay attention to me at all anymore except only for this as well… it all happened just like that… I mean, he was searching through the whole time … so obviously I was not what he wanted…. why does he still want to help me get my money back? Thank you Rorie for any advise and helping me….. Please answer me through my e-mail address.



  33.  #33Cynthia on April 3, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    HI
    My boyfriend, who has been withdrawing for some time now just left me an email asking if I could talk tomorrow( this morning now that it’s 2 am) I have been leaning way back, did not return a phone call from him tonight which asked if I wanted some fresh bread from a local baker. ( he only said call if I wanted some and I didn’t, and I’m feeling too emotional to talk). So hence the email which, since talking is his least favorite pastime, I am quite sure he wants to break up…after 4 years and very little rowing on his part. My question to any of you out there is….how do I handle myself in a dignified way tomorrow, If that is the case? I have already decided that I know longer want to stay in this relationship if he continues to withdraw every week for 2-3 days after 2-3 days of intimacy,,,but moreso because I have finally woken up to what he has been telling me for the last year….that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel it for me like he used to, that something doesn’t feel right, that he feels numb. and that he hasn’t told me he loved me, only once in the last 3 months. I feel angry that it has taken me so long to see this, and frustrated that I haven’t been able to cut it off,,,,also angry that he has been willing to take so much, and offer so little, and then reject me all over ( he did it once last year for 3months)
    Ugh.
    Cynthia



  34.  #34Trudy on April 15, 2009 at 5:43 am

    please Rori I need some suggestions on what to do in my relationship. I’m so lost and confused and have no clue where to turn.



  35.  #35Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Welcome, Trudy, and I wouldn’t know where to start talking! Just absorb as much as you can from these posts and comments and my free eletters – and please start with at least the ebook – Have The Relationship You Want – so you can work on the “basics.” From there – we’ll all help direct you to the next program for you. If you can, I always recommend “Reconnect Your Relationship” first – and then Modern Siren anjd Targeting Mr. Right, but you may need a different order. Love, Rori



  36.  #36Candy on January 30, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    A question for Rori- what can I do about extremely low self astem and I am extremely shy. The idea of dating absolutely frighten me but I would love to be in a relationship. I do not know what to do?



  37.  #37stajoy on March 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    I have bin with this man for almost six years. I love him and I know he loves me at least he tells me all the time. hid favariet line is your mine for ever right baby girl. I usually have know hesitation and say Hell Yea, I love him so much i would do anything but when I bring up marriage he gives an excuse. When we are better finacially off, We both make good money. he keeps asking me to move in with him and his sick mother. I tell him know not till we are married. because i know if i move in with him there will never be a marriage.
    he said to day that got me upset When people get married everything changes.
    we have bin together almost six years. People tell me that he just wants me around to care for him when his mom goes and to take care of her.
    He may not spoil me, may be a bit lazy at time, and stop taking me places a year ago. and not want sex with me or get help so we can have sex. But I love him so much because he is caring, honest, great with his mother, but i seam to have to be the one having to give up everything. My family my belongings my dreams of a family, I do nort even think he knows how much i give up to be with him,
    Am i living in a cloud and how much longer do i give him to marry me?



  38.  #38Rori Raye on March 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

    stajoy – For me, the problem here isn’t marriage. It’s the sex. When that goes – it points to the problem being emotional connection. A man who won’t go to a doctor so he can have a sexual relationship (you don’t need an erect penis to have great sex, either) is not a man who can be a partner for you in other ways. If your dreams are not being considered – you need to learn to talk to him more plainly, and be willing to go elsewhere. Otherwise – go ahead and sacrifice…that’s your choice. If being with him as a friend is good enough – then go for it – but it won’t change unless you require it…Love, Rori



  39.  #39Fran on August 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Rori,
    I hope you can help me. Me and my ex were divorced more than 20 years ago. He was and still is my soulmate and I still love him as much as I did the day we married. He recently contacted me a couple of months ago and asked how I was doing also saying after all this time that he knows the breakup was not my fault and that he thinks of me often. We started to communicate more and I told him how I felt and he more or less said he still has feelings for me too, He is married to someone else and now I feel she is getting in our way. By this I mean she is telling him I am after something I can’t have and that communicating with me is going to cause problems. Now he doesn’t email me as much as he did. I am so confused now that I don’t know what to do. Yes I do love him and I want him back this much I know. I don’t know what to do to get him back with her in the way. Can You Help Me!!! PLEASE. Fran.



  40.  #40Rori Raye on August 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Fran – Please leave him ALONE!!! He’s married! His wife is NOT “in your way” – she’s his WIFE! Please look at this from her side. Does this feel right to you, to interfere in another woman’s marriage? And even if it feels right to you and “just” now – later on, it’s a recipe for heartbreak and disaster for YOU. Please let him go, do not try to communicate with him at ALL – and get out there and Circular Date so the men who are right for you can FIND you! Love, Rori