So many of us have stayed a long time in a relationship where we’ve been rowing the boat, carrying the water, doing EVERYTHING imaginable to keep the boat AFLOAT and it’s just falling apart. He’s just so careless about us we don’t know what to do next. (Yes, I know, you can beat yourself up for another few years over staying “too long” – but I won’t allow you – no beating yourself up over ANYTHING – Deal? )
Marplot is in this situation, and she has so many feelings – please read her comments here – but what I’m going to talk about in this post is how getting mad at HIM because he doesn’t love us, because he’s “rejected” us wrecks your self-esteem and paralyzes us:
Marplot, okay – this is going to call for some bravery and determination.
The only reason we stay in a relationship with a man who clearly does not love us the way we love him is because we believe that’s all we deserve.
We believe we are unlovable, and that the only way we can get love is to work hard to get it.
So – we work hard. We work diligently, and sometimes it works and he’s sweet and attentive and affectionate, and sometimes it doesn’t and he neglects us, ignores us, and seems indifferent.
And all we can feel is that somehow, whatever’s happened, whatever he’s done or not done – is because of US.
In other words – we believe that we somehow have some CONTROL over everything that happens and everything he does.
And so we make ourselves crazy trying to reproduce whatever we did that had a GOOD result, and trying to figure out what we did that DIDN’T work so well.
And this is how we end up pushing a perfectly good man away, and staying stuck in a fatal dance with a man who will NEVER be able to step up to the plate.
Simply put – LOVE has nothing to do with the mind.
I don’t care what anyone says, you do not fall in love with someone because of what you THINK.
Yes – you can use your mind to do the work you need to do to put Tools into motion and love yourself more, and do more for your own life and thus INSPIRE a man to come forward – but you cannot get love from a man who did not START with a feeling of genuine love.
You can create a situation that will push him away and cause him to LOSE his feeling of love, and you can ATTRACT a man profoundly by creating both safety and excitement for him around YOURSELF.
But you cannot make a man love you who does not WANT to love you.
So – this is why you must Circular Date. This is why you must always have your options open. This is why you must hold onto your Power and your fierce love for yourself. This is why you must not tolerate even an evening with a man that does not feel good.
It’s time, Marplot – and you too, if you’re in this same situation – to “cut bait.”
Drop the ball, put down the oars, shower yourself with the water of love instead of drenching him, and turn yourself around.
Every moment you feel angry that he isn’t stepping up – that’s better than feeling dread and fear.
Every moment you get out there and do something – anything – FUN – that’s better than anger.
Every moment you focus yourself on what feels good, you CROWD OUT all the icky, angry feelings. They just won’t have any room to take over your thoughts and your heart anymore.
So – Marplot – just step-by-step – LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT. CROWD HIM OUT of your thoughts and your heart. Fill yourself up – so full, to overflowing, with fun things, and meaningful things, and creative thoughts, and heart-stopping beauty in the world of nature and the world of people, and move forward into your future.
Yes – it’s the unknown. Yes, you will NO LONGER be with ANY man who doesn’t make you feel good, secure, happy and pleasured. Yes, it’s scary. Yes it’s a transition.
Start with ONE step (you have already) and we’ll all be here to support you.