What To Do When Your Husband Isn’t Making The Grade

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angerThe Question:

Dear Rori, I just bought your video programs and I’ve been watching the Siren Program, which was really wonderful and useful to me personally. Now I’m watching Toxic Men, because I’m in a kind of confusing situation.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful but difficult man. I’m the kind of YOU FIRST person, work hard on relationships, make myself responsible for everything and so on.

My husband is caring and attentive but really lacks some social and sexual skills, which I’ve been compensating all these years long.

That “didn’t matter much to me” for some years, but 4 years ago I started needing something else, more attention and being cared for, not so much caring for him.

And I started looking the wrong place: I met somebody who was attentive, loving, gave me such great sex, had so many promising intentions… but we were both married.

I’ve taken the test you have in the Toxic Men program and my husband is a Difficult Man and my lover is between Toxic and Difficult (Unavailable and Immature types). Now I’ve talked to my husband and don’t know whether our relationship is over or it can be rescued. I’m in a moment of confusion: my husband wants to reconnect with me but he’s impatient and angry, my lover’s “there,” doesn’t go but doesn’t move… and I’m lost.

I want to know whether I could have online sessions with you, I don’t know if that’s possible. I feel your program’s helping me but I need more direct contact. Would that be possible?

Thanks very much for your job,  Anna

My Answer:

Anna, For me, your situation is classic.  “Unsatisfactory marriage where man is not doing his job in the sex and romance department.” 

Because you weren’t able to fix the situation, you did the exact right thing in finding a lover. (What I recommend to all women in your situation after they’ve talked, cried to their men – done everything they know to do.)

Only problem: Married lover. This hits all kinds of trigger spots for me, personally – and is pretty much useless for you.

Though it was “convenient” at first (I’m certain it felt “safe” – you KNEW he wasn’t going to show up on your doorstep or chase after you or talk to your husband about your relationship…) – now it’s a  problem.

And – for me, once we begin to meddle in the life of another woman, we cannot help but feel icky inside.

It just isn’t helpful for us to be in a situation where someone is LYING to another woman because of us.

For this reason alone, I don’t coach any woman dating a married man.

Yes, I once dated a married man, and once was obsessed with another married man, who was also my therapist. (Are you surprised I was ever so messed up?).

The married man who wasn’t my therapist was much older, famous, powerful, and lived in NYC, where I flew to and hunkered down after catastrophic events in my life in Los Angeles made me want to run away, (events including the married man who  was my therapist).

Yes, I thought that, because he was older, rich, famous, powerful and lived not in “my” hometown – it would feel okay in my own head, but it didn’t.

One night I went to a play, and there he was – with his wife (he introduced us…) – and suddenly, it all became real.

I was in total fantasy land. I’d been somewhere where his wife did not exist, where I was “innocent” of residue from my catastrophic events, where I was literally allowed to walk around in a semi-depressed fog.

And for you, personally: Being with an unavailable man so you can stick with an unsatisfactory man is pretty much: No life at all.

NOW – because your lover is not available long term, and because your husband wants you back – you have an opportunity.

You actually CAN turn your husband around, and you CAN rehabilitate your lover – yet once you’ve transformed your lover, he may choose to stay with his wife, so, I choose your husband for the long run – and using BOTH for “practice!”

For husband, it’s a mix of sex education, doctor’s help with his libido and erectile issues – AND a completely new dynamic between the two of you.

I have several friends and coaches who’ve done just that themselves.

The “work” it takes for you is all in patience and leaning back – which is EASY for you since you have a lover and so aren’t “needy”!

When you only have one source to get your needs met – that makes it harder to put the Rori Raye Modern Siren method into operation, because it’s such an “inner” thing – where you focus on yourself and the quality of feeling restful and peaceful inside.

Thank you for your request to be coached privately by me, and I am expensive at $495/hour session.  If you’d like to book with me, Melanie, my assistant, will give you a Paypal button and work out a day and time for us to work via video Skype or Zoom (it helps SO much to be able to SEE you! – body language is SO important).

And, instead – you can hire a brilliant Rori Raye, RRRCT trained coach on the Siren School Live Choose-Your-Coach program.  I will make sure that any coach you choose (Debra Darlen is a master at sexual issues…) can refer you to Sex Education materials, and give you fresh ideas…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Indigo on August 26, 2018 at 12:58 pm


    Sorry… did I read you correctly that you actually *advise* a married woman who has done all she can to get through to her husband to take a lover? To have an affair?

  2.  #2Rori Raye on August 28, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    Indigo – I don’t have any “rules.” I think if you’ve been totally open to a man about your needs and wants, and are not getting ANY solutions, that letting a man know you’d be open to other men is not cheating. It’s not lying, it’s not anything. This is something I’d likely not ever be able to do – yet, some women can, and it works for them – just like Polyamory works for some women. And, to be clear, I supported this woman in taking a lover, I did not advise her to do that, nor would I ever…

    If a woman has to leave a relationship, sometimes she needs a reason. Often, that’s discovering that she is beautiful, lovely, sexy, awesome, desirable, lovable – and sometimes, if it never comes from a woman’s husband – it has to come from a new man.

  3.  #3vasanthi kumar on August 28, 2018 at 6:01 pm

    Rori, I am wondering if I can get in touch with melanie to schedule that. I ordered all the videos, have watched them inside and out, but also need an hour of direct contact. I am in a situation that is not as straight forward as the women in these videos as well.

  4.  #4Butterfly on October 31, 2018 at 11:43 am

    I love what you say Rori, a woman’s feelings is fluid and if she takes another lover, its because her desire to feel sexy and beautiful and SEEN is greater than her desire to stay unhappy with a man who doesn’t make her feel that way.

    That said, I am at loss Rori….I have used circular dating for years and met hundreds of men but have been very selective. I use my feelings to date around and have fun, take lovers, and more but my mind pulls away and I shut down, worry that I may face rejection if these men know who I am. But time and again I find myself preferring and falling and being pulled towards more feminine energy men. And its never worked out, they lean back and I lean back and this relationship doesn’t necessarily even go anywhere. But these men are able to make me feel so alive, utterly beautiful, taken care of, and like a GODDESS during sex…..but they do not initiate and tend to wait around when it comes to initiating dates or moving things forward. They are listening, anticipating or some play games and pull back/outgirl you. But they are so highly masculine during sex/giving that I completely surrender to them. They are my best lovers time and again.

    I have gone on to date many a masculine men, but there is not absolutely no emotional connection. Theyre highly predictable, sure, and easygoing and even sex can be physically rewarding but not emotionally at all. There is a disconnection and I am ‘feeling’ not into it. I am open to masculine men and they chase me and they want to win my heart, but none has made me feel emotionally met as a more feminine energy man can. What do I do? I love feminine energy men but I don’t know how to make it work as I am always leaning back (never calling/never texting, etc). Masculine men are good men but they are boring, unemotional. not receptive to my emotional needs nor do they pique my interest but I enjoy talking/bantering/playful times with them only. I need advice. Thank you

  5.  #5Rori Raye on December 18, 2018 at 11:00 am

    Butterfly – perhaps you’re the perfect woman to rest in her “alpha masculine” and be with a feminine energy man! e ALL love feminine energy men! They are artistic, and soft, and easy to talk with, and emotional, and they listen! And many masculine energy men have these qualities – yet, perhaps you’d like to be the more masculine partner! So – go for it, girl!!! Attract feminine men who WANT you to make decisions, give directions, all the things that are OPPOSITE of The Modern Siren Tools! The only thing to know is that even though they may be primarily “feminine” as you experience it – they are still MEN. Meaning, you cannot “make them wrong” or talk to them in a disrespectful tone or with blaming or controlling words. You STILL get to speak in Feeling Messages, and you still get to be in your feminine whenever you like!!!! Love, Rori