What To Do With An Imaginary Relationship

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The question was from Annie. Totally classic question about dealing with what Annie herself calls an Imaginary Relationship with a guy who’s her business partner.

He’s dragging his feet about commitment. He wants to be “friends with benefits.” He says go with the flow and all the buzz words guys use.

The big thing that shook Annie to the core was when he took an old girlfriend to his cousin’s wedding and didn’t invite her.

I’ll talk directly to you as if you’re in a similar situation…
So, here’s what the situation is:

You’re stuck in this business relationship with a man and I want for all of you to see the universal qualities of this.

Let’s say you met a guy in church and now he’s in church and now the church experience is a wreck for you. You met a guy in gym. You met a guy at work. You actually became friends with a guy over something.

If you have any kind of feelings for men in this situation, it’s not working out, either this is a signal you’ve got to change your whole life, drop the gym, drop the church, find a new place to go which is always the first thing I tell women to do because this is really common.

I think you might want to consider what ending the business relationship would look like and I know this is terrifying and awful, but these kinds of things are signals saying that we need to change our life. Something has to change because when we get ourselves into relationships that do not work over and over and over again and we’re feeling unhappy and the time is going by.

There’s only one reason for that to happen and that is – I will try to get a recording together, but you’re probably going to want to write all this stuff down if you can, anything that sings to you.

There’s only one thing happening. You are being driven by some kind of subconscious traumatic response that is trying to punish you and the only question and to get into a really basic spiritual way of looking at this.

When you’re in a situation that is making you unhappy, the only place to go is to ask yourself – “Where am I not forgiving myself?”

Now, I know that sounds weird, but we get ourselves into situations, believe it or not, because we choose them, because we want them on some deep subconscious body level that we don’t know of. I mean it sounds ridiculous. Of course I want love. Why would I choose not love, but there’s something in us that chooses not love.

It comes from our background. The teachers that were terrible to us. Anything that happened and going back and pulling that old stuff up actually makes things worse. That old fashioned therapy is pretty much disproven now. Going back there and digging up the crap makes you worse.

What has to happen is you have to move forward and somehow allow yourself to be triggered so badly that you shift. That you are actually willing to make a change rather than just sit in the normal kind of misery that a lot of us just get hanging in.

So, what you want to do here is you want to stop thinking about anything that has to do with an imaginary relationship. You want to cut contact. You want to get out of there and when you’re stuck in a business relationship you can’t help it.

So, here’s what I’m going to teach you. Rock star. Being a Rock Star free spirit. Now, I mentioned this in some of my programs, but this is what you have to do if you sing in the choir with a guy that is just treating you badly and it’s not working out. You don’t want to leave the choir. The concert is coming up. You’ve got to be a Rock Star.

So, what is a Rock Star?

The Rock Star is this. You show up. He’s there. You feel like garbage inside. You are acknowledging the feelings you have which are that you want to kill him. You want to knock his block off. You really want to push him in the river and then you feel bad about feeling that way and you want to feel spiritual and you want to feel nice and also you don’t want to lose him. So, you don’t want to do anything that’s going to push him further away.

So, here you are with 99% of your brain bouncing around trying to figure out how to handle this man. You’re feeling anger. You’re feeling grief. You’re feeling pain and you’re feeling incredible lust for him and desire for him and fear that if he’s not it, who’s going to show up? That he’s your last chance and that I swear to you, my hand up, is not true. I know that from my own life.

I met my husband way past the time when I thought I could. I’d almost given up and damn if he didn’t show up and he will show up for you too because I’m not alone in this. Almost all my clients have the same experience. There’s just an issue of letting go of the guy.

So, what is a Rock Star?

You change your clothes. You change your hair. You turn into a different person for yourself, so that you feel different.

You show up at church. You show up at business and you treat him like a friend. You feel what you feel, which is longing and lust and horror and terror and anger, but you treat him like a friend and you do this without being false by saying to him these exact words. So, write these down.

I’m feeling uncomfortable being around you. I would like to cut this relationship off now and I know we can’t because I also don’t want to leave church or the gym or our business relationship and so, I only want to have a cordial businesslike relationship with you. I still shake whenever I’m around you. I still feel bad whenever I’m around you. I’d appreciate it if you would honor my feelings.

So, that is how you are a Rock Star – and what happens is you tell him the truth instead of pretending to be okay.

You tell him the truth and then you go, “And you know what? Even though I feel all this, I’m going to take care of myself and taking care of myself right now is not being with you,” and then you Circular Date. Circular Dating is pretty much the cure for everything.

This means you get out and flirt. You learn how to deal with other men. You fill up your calendar. You move on from him as best you can and then I think you really need to figure out how to get out of there. How to get out of this business situation.

Or change churches. Or change gyms.

Find something new.

It’s not that he “drove” you out – it’s that you’ve already gotten everything you need to get out of this LESSON.

It’s a signal that you need a new “neighborhood.”  New environment. New friends. A new pool of men.

And new experiences for your heart.

Love, Rori

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:36 am

    First time first



  2.  #2Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Hmmm, this post is thought provoking for me because I acyually want to go back to the pub where MR B works.

    And I know when the time comes I Rockstar about it.

    The pub is my local and I know people there.

    I would also like to be on the darts team that he is Captain of… cus I played a few times and it was really fun.

    On the other hand I can see that maybe going to some new places would have some massive benefits.

    Maybe there is another darts team at another local pub I can play with. With new men 😉

    Also I have been thinking a lot about my drinking habits.
    I was drunk when I get together with Mr B so you could say my judgement was impaired.

    And I know I drink for confidence and also to releive stress and get high…

    And I drink too much sometimes.

    So maybe this is now, finally a good chance to deal with this.

    I have thought abpout my drinking habits a lot in the past, and made some changes… but I usually go back to having a binge sooner or later.

    If I can feel AMAZING anyway, and have SO MUCH FUN JUST AS I AM… then maybe I will not need to get so drunk.

    And I will not start any bad relationships??

    I guess whether or not I go back to the pub is kinda irrelevant.

    What is important is my attitude and making sure that what I am doing is conducive to bringing me what I want.

    I know I will go back to the pub at some point cus there is a part of me that just really wants to… just so that if I wanna go in there I can.

    And also kinda to trigger myself.

    Like, look I can do this. My life is not dictated by a man.

    But I will do it when it feels right.

    There is also a naughty part of me that wants to go in there and SHOW him what he missed… this part is my Diva. She wants to go in, be a Siren and have loads of men flirt with me in front of her.

    BUT, I will not do this.

    This will not serve me and will just cause pain and embarressment.

    I will satisfy her simply by making my life amazing and my Siren Vibe strong.

    SSSV.



  3.  #3Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:48 am

    The way I am looking at it is… people break up all the time.

    You just have to get over it.

    And you will see that person.

    And it will feel akward at first.

    But then you get over it. And if your lives have some cross over then they do!

    I am gonna be fine.

    MOR THAN FINE!!

    🙂



  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Hello, world. And a special hello to “Daria World.” 😀

    I am thankful for all the sirens on Siren Island.

    xoxo
    SLV



  5.  #5Ella on February 19, 2011 at 8:01 am

    So my plan next is to give up sugar.

    I am giving myself one day’s grace bc today is the first day I can actually eat normally at all after op!

    And I just need to be able to eat whatever I want.

    But, from tomorrow I would like to cut out sugar, and see how I go.

    I want to base my diet on lean protien (eggs, soya, quorn, fish, turkey, chicken, mushrooms), vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds.

    I also want to drink A LOT of water, and get more into fruit and herbal teas, esp in the evenings instead of wine.

    I will have some wine at weekends.

    Lunch and dinner are generally not an issue for me… I know what to eat and it is fine.

    Breakfast is more of a challenge.

    I may alternate between porridge and yoghurt with fruit puree. This is the biggest challenge as it is so much easier to just throw some bread in the toaster. But this sets me up to want sugar and I want to cut out bread.

    I also need to be organised about having a salad made ready for me to take for lunch when I am out working all day. Otherwise I grab a sandwich and bag of quavers (low calorie but not healthy). So I need to plan and make lunch the night before.

    Evening meals are fine.

    The other danger spots for me are really fancying a galss of wine of an evening to relax.

    Ok, this one is a lifestyle change.

    If I get up early enough I can start work early and that gives me time to do an exercise class in the evening or visit the gym.

    This helps me relax.

    Then I can come home, have dinner and if I want a relaxing drink I can have a herbal tea (oww or ginger tea!!!).

    That will work.

    What I need to do is carry an exercise class timetable arund with me, and also book in some exercise like pole dancing. Yay.

    The other danger time for me is weekends when I go out and the temptation is there to drink too much.

    That is calorific in itself BUT it is more about what I eat when I get home or the next day if I am feeling hung-over. Then I am very likely to just eat JUNK and often get a take away.

    I have successfully overcome this in the past by just reducing the amount a drink a little and then having food ready in the house for the next day.

    It might be less healthy than I would usually eat but it is more healthy than if I don’t plan.
    So stuff like smoked salmon, veggies that I can just do in the microwave and ready masshed potato that I can just heat up.

    So it is still a treat food, and really easy. But not too unhealthy.

    Ok, so there is my plan.

    If anyone has any other suggestions please fee free to add.

    xoxoxoxox



  6.  #6millie on February 19, 2011 at 8:15 am

    hi sirens i love this post. i would have looked at not going back or finding another job as running away, but now i can see its not about him but you and the multitude of options and possibilities avaliable. i would have been been limiting myself and selling myself short. i love this,very thought provoking.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Pamelala I just read your comments to Alonka and the previous post and have to repeat I feel blessed to have you here. I am feeling appreciation and gratitude for your wisdom and the way you express yourself. I am learning from your wisdom and level of compassion. I have been impatient in the past and have experienced some impatience around what Alonka has been writing to the point of thinking that I can only imagine what the guy must have felt and why he must have withdrawn. I have been that girl and have been given compassion to that girl and to the guys I have dealt with. I have also come to a place of respecting and appreciating guys more because of how I was. I respect them, their thinking and their decisions to the point that I feel love towards them regardless. I am in a place now where I can move my mind away from their behavior because I am more important to me.



  8.  #8millie on February 19, 2011 at 8:22 am

    hi ella a month ago i cut out all the crap that was poisoning my body and ate whole foods that feed my body and mind. i imagined what the nutrients where doing for my body. after only a week a felt so much better, and mentally happier.who would believe this was possible even thought my husband had just walked out on me. i also took vitamins because i knew my body was in shock and i walked every day even though all i wonted to do was curl up in bed an sleep the pain away. 17,000 steps a day



  9.  #9Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Ella great commitment but if you drift away from this commitment will you beat up on yourself? Will you be open to forgive yourself and reevaluate the commitment?

    I have committed to cutting back beggining in March. I say the above because I have gone back and forth.



  10.  #10Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Rori the thing that jumped to mind reading this post is “what if he doesn’t honor my feelings” then what? Or maybe what does it look like when he is honoring my feelings?



  11.  #11Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Oh. My. Goodness.

    PushyGuy (the one who demanded my number earlier this week) is on the phone LECTURING me about the president and insisted on knowing whether I had voted for him. This is only a second phone conversation. I consider myself fairly apolitical, but I also just do not discuss my views with someone unless I feel safe and respected. I NEVER talk politics with CDs if it can be avoided.

    He said, “Any intelligent person would realize they made a mistake voting for that man.” I know lots of people who feel that way, certainly, but then he said that I have “no gray matter and am not intellectually honest.” And because I am not intellectually honest, I am likely a “a liar in other aspects of my life.” He is yelling at me!

    I told him I felt uncomfortable with this conversation and could we change the subject. He ignored me and kept talking about a giant custom bumper sticker he had made for his car that calls out people who voted for the president as “a$$holes.” I finally said that I was feeling angry and scared. He said he was angry that “idiots like me” don’t understand…blah blah blah…Iran…

    I let him go about 5 more seconds mostly out of shock, then I said, “I don’t feel comfortable with our differing mindsets here and how you are yelling at me.” And he said “Have a nice day, you ignorant liberal!” and hung up on me!

    WOWWWWWWWWW!

    OK, so don’t tell me that my initial instincts about his pushiness and his aggressiveness were unfounded!! I am really torn on here about being “open and receiving and respecting their feelings” and also knowing that I have excellent instincts and that I should listen to them. This man was angry and hostile and made me feel very unsafe!!!

    I feel dirty and a little afraid. Ick.



  12.  #12Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Dman came. On the bus. We slept at my friends house.

    I felt so good an calm w him

    He had me ready to have sex… But we didnt.

    We didnt kiss. I said somethung but to me it came ut loserish. oh well.

    In the morninh he wanted me to walk him ti the bus stop. I didnt. I felt guilty he called to say that was wrong of me. Oh well I nevver do that. Morninh cold is not my forte. I gave him goid directions.

    I wouldve fekt awful if I slept w him and this happened in thr morning.

    HowDoes he get me so easily ready to say yes to sex?

    Reverse: it was me. Im beimg open and rnjoyung my pleasure.

    SMecuritysn and I got close again. He saud he was hurt. That I had a man before and he had no other girl.

    I said no man, ever. Only husband. He respected. I felt good.



  13.  #13Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Ella and sirens

    After hours and hours of research and experimenting live, I find that sugar is directly related to drinking more.

    When I clean up my diet and don’t eat the foods of the evil empire, i never have any desire to drink.

    It is my conclusion that alcohol is a food allergy due to sugar and yeast content. why all the AA folks are always eating candy and donuts. They just gave up that sugar high they were on and have to replace it with something. Sugar to me is like crack. Nasty ass stuff and not for human consumption. Icky.

    Ella’s diet is mostly how I eat. Meat, veges, fruit nuts and seeds. Thats it.

    xxoo



  14.  #14Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Ella-

    You could have food allergies. Worth getting checked. Your description sounds like you do. Junk food craving and such is often directly related to allergies. I saw a
    naturopath and got some really good supplements and changed my whole diet.

    I used to drink and eat junk food and well, it just got to where it was no longer working for me. I wanted to heal by body and feel really healthy. Sort of like getting healed from man crack. lol I was just ready to clean it all up. It’s process and took a while and while I eat a piece of cake now, I don’t beat myself up, I just get back on the healthy diet horse and continue riding.

    xxoo



  15.  #15Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:20 am

    RE 11 Boomer remember it is not about you. It is about him and himself. He might just hate himself and projecting it for some reason. The lesson I would take from this, and this is me, I would have hung up the phone the first time he crossed my boundary, especially after feeling he was too pushy initially. You have the power to decide how far you will go and how much you will take. Don’t be torn, you don’t have to take anything you are told. Only you in your situation can evaluate and decide how to respond because each situation and dynamic is different. I am open to exploring with everything because I believe every human being underneath is searching for acceptance and love. Some don’t know how to get it and is frustrated with themselves. As I said that is me.



  16.  #16Lori on February 19, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Boomer,

    OMG I’m so sorry! What a complete jerk!!! It sounds like he is not only pushy and aggressive, but also has some temper issues. Thank goodness you trusted your intution about him and also that he showed his true colors so quickly so that you can get away FAST!!!!!



  17.  #17Simply Shannon on February 19, 2011 at 9:31 am

    This post is so dead on. I can feel Rori’s power and strength booming from the page. She’s voting for ME. Hot damn, she’s voting for me. I feel so loved and cared for reading this post.

    I am a rock star. Hell yes I am.

    And I’m going to change my hair. Going from blonde to dark brown. Oh the timing of this post.

    Woot woot. I feel excited.

    I am burying my little dog today (sadness welling up) but I’m choosing to use this experience to force me into the “new”. Just like Rori talks about in this post. We invite things into our life to force us to shift. I really get this.

    I’m burying my old life, the old me, right along with my little baby dog. We spent nearly 15 years together, lots of hills and valleys. And she’s been there through all of it. Tears.

    Now that chapter is closed. Her energy and spirit are in heaven, alive and bubbly there. I’m now CHOOSING to feel alive and bubbly here on earth. Thank you Shelby for helping me to get HERE. I love you sweet girl.

    And I bought my winning lottery ticket today. Tonight is when I officially become a millionaire.

    TONIGHT. I feel excited.

    Tears, sadness, excitement, fear, limitless possibilities…



  18.  #18Lori C on February 19, 2011 at 9:36 am

    11: Boomer

    Boomer, I felt so icky when i read your post about your conversation.

    I can’t imagine how icky and scary that felt to you. Thank goodness, you were on the phone and not in public together.

    Ish.

    lc



  19.  #19Brenda on February 19, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Boomer,

    RE: #11 – Yikes! Ewww! Yuck!



  20.  #20Lori C on February 19, 2011 at 9:37 am

    17: Simply Shannon

    You are a rock star!

    Watching and learning…

    lc



  21.  #21Lori C on February 19, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I woke up this morning and felt peaceful. I slept all night, for the first time in over a week and I haven’t shed a tear in TWO WHOLE DAYS. Food is finally agreeing with me too. I would say that is positive progress. I made it through a whole week at work with the both of them there and didn’t say a cross word. I held my head up and walked with a purpose.

    I am still figuring it all out, but I am figuring it out gently, without anger, with grace and yes, compassion. I am not making decisions out of anger or hurt, and am thinking about what is best for me and so, am being quiet with those who have hurt me. I feel if I am forced to talk before I am ready, I will make a snap decision that could negatively impact all of our lives so I need the space and the time I am taking.

    While I am taking this time, I am taking care of me. Today is all about me.

    One day at a time.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:49 am

    The conversation was icky yes but there are lessons there. Do we expect that all our interactions in life will be good? Do we really choose our words to ensure that we create the situations we want? How open are we to being triggered and to healing our own stuff? Do we allow people into our world knowing that we can trigger them and that they have stuff and baggage with them? Are all people looking to be loved and accepted as they are? Are people at the same stage of development as we are? Are we aware of all the things that trigger us? How committed are we to growing? Did the man make her feel unsafe? How much “yelling at” am I willing to tolerate? Am I willing to test a man’s anger to see how he will really fight or be when we have differences? Do I even acknowledge that we will have differences of opinions?

    I have learnt that people can hide their real selves for up to 6 months. I have read where Rori say we want him to get angry.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

    RE 21 I am proud of you. Maybe today’s post is really relevant to your situation.



  24.  #24Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Lori C. Sounds good. Be gentle with yourself. Sleep can do wonders.



  25.  #25Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Boomer you already know also that you are intellingent. The descriptives he used sounds to me like his nasty voices spilling over. Seems he does not have a good self-image.



  26.  #26Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    yay short new thread for my phone. i feel soo stuck. angry. sad. one surprising babystep tho: i realized i have a habit of reaching a point of emotional overwhelm where i say “if such and such doesn’t happen i will not survive – so it HAS to happen.” it was automatic but now i am noticing it and believing that i will survive no matter what. even if i don’t get the things i feel like i need. bittersweet shift. 🙁



  27.  #27Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Oh, yes, FW. I do not internalize or put upon myself any of his venom. I did not for one second feelbad about MYSELF



  28.  #28Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:15 am

    RE 27 Boomer I guess I would ask myself what is the lesson there?



  29.  #29Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    RE 26 Awareness is a powerful thing. I think it is the big lesson I am taking away from most of the presenters in Soulmate Summit. They discribe it in differents ways but essentially it is all the same thing they are saying.



  30.  #30Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    feeling this stuck feeling, looking at my email and seeing jonathon’s “the answer to your love life” email – i feel slightly hopeful – is it a sign? is what he wrote the answer to my stuckness??? anyone else read it and interested in the package? i like how he said it may not be anything I am doing wrong, but just not the right time. that feels plausible. one problem for me right now tho still is being unable to let go of WH. have tried everything. 🙁 i want something to shift for me big time. i want to fee



  31.  #31Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Wow…great post Rori… and indeed great timing…:)

    I once read a wonderful philosophical book (22 years ago…geez so long it’s been?)…and one statement stood with me forever…and it translates something like this:

    “Deception requires a shift in your Horizon, and Desperation requires a change of Scene …”

    I always made dramatic changes…repainted the house three times in 8 years, home improvements…my wardorabe becomes out of style every year because of i no longer like it the following year (i value fashion but i don’t side with trendy- only get inspired)…

    And yes, my hair…the past two years, i have been struggling to make the big change i’ve envision…but i am a woos right now…i will save it for my 40th bday…cut off my long hair…very short – boyish…and go for a blond…:)

    Now, I realize the changes I made in the past (redecorating, cloths, etc)…no longer satisfy me…I seek bigger, bolder changes…I want to change my scene…I seek that sooo bad…

    Thank u Rori…these are awesome things I need to work on…

    Warm hugs,



  32.  #32Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 10:20 am

    to feel better. i feel stuck in every area of my life not just love life. except am doing pretty well with weight loss and physical health. so that’s good.



  33.  #33Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:21 am

    The Interview with Relationship Expert Virginia Feingold this month said “make peace with your past”. Lucy is it something you might wish to shoot Rori an email about she might be able to direct you to a resource that might help?



  34.  #34Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:22 am

    RE 32 Two positives. With those two positives could the feeling stuck be a lie you are telling yourself?



  35.  #35Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:29 am

    RE 27 Boomer I should appreciate you by saying thank you for sharing that. It is a big lesson for people on this blog. We get to chose our perspective, the way we frame things and how we feel about them.

    I can really get how guys must be intimidated by you because you are so centered in yourself. It makes me think that the man that will stick is one that is evolved and on his own growth path. The others that are negative and immature cannot stick because your positivity will definitely rattle against their negativity. I truly believe you are in a good place to attract the right man, it is only a matter of time because your level of awareness can only increase from here on. You are an example I believe for people like Alonka.



  36.  #36Laughing Goddess on February 19, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Lucy: I love you and I so resonate with what you are feeling.

    I am exploring the idea that I will ALWAYS want more than I have right now. As my life expands and I get things that I ask for, it will only inspire me to want more.

    You know how we can want something so bad and we finally get it and we barely take any notice before we are waning more. That’s human nature. As long as we are alive, we will have something else that we want.

    So for me, the magic spot is a balance between always expanding and wanting more in my life, my relationships. And being appreciate of what I have right now.

    How do you feel reading this?



  37.  #37Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 10:30 am

    @17: Simply Shannon says:

    “…And I bought my winning lottery ticket today. Tonight is when I officially become a millionaire…”

    Send me some please. 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  38.  #38Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Oh, yes, FW. I do not internalize or put upon myself any of his venom. I did not for one second feel bad about MYSELF while he raged. As someone else said, better now than when I actually saw the bumper sticker on his truck on the first date and froze in my tracks or got the question over dinner and he left me stranded at some roadhouse in the country.

    I guess I was just so taken aback by the rage and the insults. Grounded adults generally do not shout at someone they hardly know. I live in a very politically conservative part of the country (and my city is known particularly for its conservatism), and even being “apolitical” earns you disdain around here. (“How can you not CARE what’s happening to our country????”) So I am familiar with being “different” around here in lots of ways, and it’s OK. I may not agree with the conservatives, but neither do I really consider myself “liberal,” and I am very comfortable with live and let live as my life philosophy.

    But this was not about politics, you’re right. What is WAS about, I am not sure. Anger? Self-loathing? Personal impotence? Whatever–that’s his gig, not mine. But I am left to wonder why a man with his political passions and highly, highly masculine/aggressive approach would have found my profile attractive at all. I don’t identify myself with any political leaning on my profile, and I think the vibe I give off is fairly hippie-dippie, new-agey, artsy, comic book-y, pop-culture-y free spirit. No one would read that profile and think, “Ah, Tea Party activist all the way!”

    Oh, and before the political stuff, he asked about my body. Said it looked from my torso shots that I have a big chest and he’s a “b00b man.” Ick. I think I was still sort of reeling from THAT little nugget when he launched into the political stuff. And the funny thing is–I never even answered his question about who I voted for. My hesitation was all he needed to launch into it. Triggered much???

    Anyhoo…I don’t feel quite so icky. I feel proud of myself, actually, for using the opportunity to practice feeling statements–not for him or his understanding of me, but for my understanding of me–and for being able to come up with some coherent FMs even through an attack. Good practice. I realize 99% of the men I encounter will NOT come at me this way, and so I think it was a good experience to practice grace under fire.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Laughing Goddess that reminds me that the guidine principle of Gay Hendricks life is “to allow as much love and positive energy as possible to flow through his life and to invite people in his life to do the same”.



  40.  #40Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Awwwwwwww. FW. Thanks!

    I’m feeling all appreciated!



  41.  #41Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:35 am

    RE 38 Boomer you have a way with words. I love the grace under fire analogy. You are so a lesson for us.



  42.  #42Laughing Goddess on February 19, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Also, I try to keep my mind in check. When I let it control the show, it makes up stories about everything!

    When I let my inner knowing run the show, I can consciously choose thoughts that feel good.

    Please also know, I am not claiming to e an expert on this.

    I struggle with it on a minute to minute basis.

    But I am noticing major improvements in my general enthusiasm for life.

    Thank you for exploring this with me. It really helps me too.



  43.  #43Laughing Goddess on February 19, 2011 at 10:36 am

    FW: that sounds lovely!



  44.  #44Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:38 am

    LG How about I relax into it from minute to minute. or I am open to it from minute to minute.

    I am believing that the struggle is over while tapping into my inner knowing. Words are powerful is one of my beliefs.



  45.  #45Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:41 am

    There is a song I sing in my mind
    “the struggle is over, the struggle is over for me”
    “the struggle is over, the struggle is over for me” I sing it over and over again.



  46.  #46Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Oh, PushyAngryHostileIckyDude (he keeps getting more names…too much energy I’m giving him, huh?)…anyway, this incident with him reminds me of one other creepy guy I actually met with a few months ago (he’s in that 1% of non-grounded adult men I meet, I guess)….after a simple coffee meet-up on a Sunday afternoon, he walked me to my car and said there was one thing he needed to ask me. I assumed it was about another date (and I was NOT feeling it), and he said, “Can I make you come before I go?”

    Whaaaaa?

    My mind barely registered, and all I could think to say was, “Where???” LOL.

    I think he took that as agreement, and so he leaned in for the kiss. Ack!

    Needless to say…there were no orgasms that day. At least not mine.



  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 10:43 am

    @30: Lucy says:
    “… i like how he said it may not be anything I am doing wrong, but just not the right time…”

    It could be timing. If you haven’t seen the Gwyneth Paltrow film “Slding Doors” check it out. It’s about how little changes in timing and chance encounters change everything in big, big ways. It’s different. You would like it. It shows how things would have gone BOTH WAYS, very interesting…

    Speaking of timing I worked out, for the moment, my good-feeling thought:

    “Soon and very soon my sweetie will find me and we will choose each other forever.”

    I hope you get your computer up and running soon and very soon.

    Hugs,
    xoxo
    SLV



  48.  #48Lori on February 19, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Shannon,

    YOU GO GIRL!!!!



  49.  #49Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:50 am

    RE 46 I think you mind registered well. I am wondering how soon after meeting on sites do you meet up? Do you push for quick meet ups or do you spend some maybe weeks on the phone “getting to know” before agreeing to meet up? Have you ever explored your “eagerness” to see if there is any?



  50.  #50Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 10:53 am

    The Gwenyth Paltrow film is “Sliding Doors.”



  51.  #51Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:55 am

    RE 46 Boomer can I suggest something.

    H: Can I make you come before I leave.

    There is a concept I learnt in an Emotinonal Intelligence workshop where you ask back the quetion to the person just to make sure you understand what they are asking. It could look like this: “Just to make sure I understand what you mean, are you saying “can I make to come to my town, my job, my home”. I want to clearly understand what you are saying before I respond”. Or some other thing which is reflecting back his questions to him so he understands he need to clarify what he is saying in the event you might not be understanding. As human beings we tend to assume that the other person gets what we are saying not acknowledging that everyone lives in a different world. Does that make sense? I believe you must have heard that in some communication course in the past.



  52.  #52Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 10:57 am

    FW, re: 49. I do not push for anything. Even pre-Rori, I never initiated phone calls or contact or requests to meet.

    There are different schools of thought on online dating–meet quickly and get it out of the way? Or get to know someone before meeting? I am a fan of sooner rather than later, but not until I feel an intellectual and social and maturity “click.” I’m sure many of have experienced that situation where we REALLY dig someone on the phone and talk for hours and when we meet…pfffhtttt…no click at all. I have been on both the receiving end and the giving end of the “pfffhhht.”

    So do I push? No never. I always let them ask to meet me. And just because they ask/push does not mean I do it. My schedule is VERY tight in terms of time to date. 54 hours every 14 days in which I am not responsible for children. And in that time I see friends, read, sleep, go the gym and have a life. So sometimes, even if I really want to meet someone, it has to wait until I am free. And then I find too many phone calls or daily contact while you;re waiting creates a false sense of intimacy.

    So I try to meet rather quickly without rushing it–and only if they have initiated it.



  53.  #53Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:57 am

    You can also reflect the question back by paraphrasing it to clarify how you understood it.



  54.  #54Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Oh, I knew what he was asking, FW. He stared at my chest the entire date and kept trying to tiptoe up to a sex discussion. I evaded, changed the subject, stated I did not want to talk about that, and ended the date fairly quickly.

    I guess all I could think of was where were supposed to do this magical thing considering it was a Sunday afternoon, daylight, and we were in a bookstore parking lot.

    It’s my sick sense of humor, I guess.

    I think we all draw a certain percentage of “inappropriate” men when we are open to CDing and seeing the possibilities. I hope these two are my quota for the year.



  55.  #55Summerbaby on February 19, 2011 at 11:02 am

    OMG Boomer, I think I dated PushyAngryIckyHostileGuy! Of course I didn’t know he was that until after several dates. He had the presidential convo with me over the phone and started accusatorially questioning me about my viewpoints and wanting me to explain.

    I didn’t want to have the conversation because I was trying to get ready for work, for one, and for two, because I just knew he couldn’t accept that I thought differently than him and would launch into a huge campaign of trying to reeducate and convince me…

    He wound up hanging up on me. Shortly thereafter he came back, wanting to “accept me as I am” and me accept him as he is and work around it. I told him that I didn’t think we’d be a good fit because I didn’t want future knock down drag outs over that issue and with those kind of fundamental differences, I would prefer to find a mate I could be peaceful with!

    He’s been very friendly with me since. It’s been a great lesson for me as far as what I really want. Compare this CD of yours to someone who is “laid back”. ****giggles**** Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

    Summerbaby



  56.  #56Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

    RE 52 Yes I remember you saying something like. Please allow me to suggest something now that you have these current experiences under your belt. Would you be open to flipping it a bit. Keep initial conversations short, 3 minutes (I read that somewhere) to build the attraction. How about testing slow meet up? It is about experimenting to see how long the interest will last and if it will put off some that might not even be good for you. My thinking is wondering if some guys see the agreement for quick meet up as an indication of being open to a fling. Some guys are on these sites only for flings we recently saw in the news that a NY married politician got busted on Craiglist. Don’t take it as a judgement on your people jugement just a thought you could possibly explore to see what you can uncover. What do you think?



  57.  #57Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

    RE 55 maybe both of you should compare notes about him.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

    RE 54 Boomer do you believe he could pick up on your “where were supposed to do this magical thing considering it was a Sunday afternoon, daylight, and we were in a bookstore parking lot”. Some girls would have done it right there. I also believe guys pick up on our subconscious thinking. Reason some coaches teaches “get clear on what you want and set your intention”. You don’t want to put anything out there that might feel like wavering around topics that are important to you.

    I have also read this book Power vs Force where it talks about scientific evidence that our body responds to our intention. It is similar to lie detection testing. Someone can physically push your arm down if you say something that is not true. On the contrary if it is true they have a hard time budging arm downwards. It saw it tested in the emotional intelligence workshop I did.



  59.  #59Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 11:12 am

    SS-

    Sorry for your dog loss. I just did that a month back.
    big hugs your way…………..:(0

    But I love your attitude on your post! Rock on!



  60.  #60Laughing Goddess on February 19, 2011 at 11:12 am

    FW: re 44

    Haha thanks for pointing that out. I agree!



  61.  #61Laughing Goddess on February 19, 2011 at 11:15 am

    SLV and Lucy: re 47

    Yes to small changes that open up big doors.

    Joining the band did that for me. I just wanted to find something that I felt inspired and excited about. I feel certain that it shifted my vibe.

    LI showed up a week later ready to pursue me and a whole new awesome group of friends opened up to me. Not to mention the fact that I love love love playing drums.



  62.  #62Summerbaby on February 19, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I am also with you on the meet quickly – as soon as you feel safe, that is…

    I have also experienced the false sense of intimacy with a wordsmith who charmed me and when I met face to face finally it was a mutual instant fizzle. What a let down.

    Since then I find it easier to meet right away so you can see straight up what you’ve got to deal with.

    Summerbaby



  63.  #63Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 11:18 am

    @56: Femininewoman says:
    “…How about testing slow meet up?…”

    This kind of “testing” of methods interests me. I think I am becoming more convinced of faster face to face when before I was the other way around. Maybe it depends upon the person. For me, the sooner face to face the less chance for my mind to fill in the gaps and form some sort of imaginery image which then increases the possibility of disappointment.

    Could you share any examples of doing things differently and varying results? I’m also interested in whether short vs long CL ads have best results, high pull vs. targeted etc

    xoxo
    SLV



  64.  #64Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 11:21 am

    The other day, one of my gf contacted me…I responded yesterday, and said i am not feeling too well, yet I would love and appreciate her support…I realized after that I never used to share with her feeling vulnerable, sad, etc…just always express happy face…

    So, last nite, she and her bf came to pick me up…we had some food and drinks, and then went to dance…

    On the dance floor…I told my gf, I am ready to go out on dates…and that this time for whatever reason…I seem to attract different men than before…

    And for the 1st time, I felt anger/irritation in her voice…saying…”Well, it’s about time…u must stop dating those men…they treat u like crap…” Mind you she always chooses her words not to offend anyone…

    I looked at her…I felt a bit shocked by the energy coming from her…yet, I deeply felt cared for..and I told her that…we hugged…it was a good feeling…I finally accepted being on the receiving end of the friendship…and now, I get it…

    Our safety lies indeed within our vulnerability…



  65.  #65Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 63 SLV it was just a suggestion to test what results if any it would bring because of the current situation. I believe Rori teaches mixing it up a little. If the quick meet up is producing these results what would slowness do? I agree it works for the mind but what is it producing in concrete terms? If the meet up is after 3 conversations in 2 weeks, what would 6 conversations in 4 weeks produce?



  66.  #66Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 11:24 am

    FW. I’m wondering if with my tendency to be flippant in writing, and conversation, I do not always communicate clearly. I’ll explore this. But I completely did not want to be anywhere near this guy (the parking lot guy), and my “Where???” although incredulous, also tapped into my logical brain. I guess a quick “NO!” and then fleeing would have gotten my point across better–as opposed to a monosyllabic rumination about where two people might make one another come on a Sunday afternoon in public if they were so inclined???

    So maybe he was just not able to pick up what I was layin’ down. Or maybe my logical, curious brain, despite the fact that the rest of me was appalled, made him think I might entertain his offer. But…NO…I think maybe he was just delusional and inappropriate.

    And regarding the different approach to dating – I am experimental and open. You may have something there about keeping it short and building the mystery.



  67.  #67Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

    RE 63 SLV I also believe it is about finding some sort of balance or middle of the road approach. It is also good training for the mind IMHO if there is awareness that it does those tricks. Practice using the stop tool. For me this is thinking outside the box and seeing the big picture rather than compartmentalizing. It is not only about stopping the mind but also creating in the world.



  68.  #68Ella on February 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Turtlegirl

    Re the diet…

    I am pretty good generally I just know my weak spots.

    That is interesting regarding the food allergies however I think just by cutting out bread and sugar is going to make a massive difference to me.

    I am actually doing an Msc in weight management and worked managing a community nutrition project in the City for 3 years and teaching others about healthy eating so I have a good idea about what to do.

    For me it is mostly about the planning and overcoming barriers (eg: the things I mentioned in the post above).

    I actually work with clients to help them manage their weight and despite my weak spots I have always done pretty well at managing my weight.

    I am really into exercise which helps.

    I find that because I have first hand experience of some of the issues and barriers my clients face I can support them better.

    Now personally I want to really clean up my diet just to lose those few extra pounds and to feel good and healthy.

    I feel excited.



  69.  #69Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

    RE 66 Wonder if “I do not want to be anywhere near you” was screaming for your mind and your vibe? You know sometimes we can flip flop and send off uncertainty. I believe we all do it.



  70.  #70Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Ella-

    I could not agree more. Just bread and sugar is huge!
    Sugar is in every thing, unfortunately.

    So nice to see sirens on here that are really wanting to get healthy and care about their bodies! Good on you!



  71.  #71Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

    @FW

    I have an idea of the testing as you mentioned but I haven’t done it. I was just wondering if you are doing it and had a difference in results. I think knowing these things is helpful.

    xoxo
    SLV



  72.  #72Ella on February 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Also that is really interesting about the link between sugar and alcohol…

    Definitely food for thought 🙂



  73.  #73Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 11:35 am

    @72: Ella

    Yes, the body first burns alcohol, then sugar, then fat.

    xoxo
    SLV



  74.  #74Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Oh my gosh…here is something that put a smile on my face and actually pretty entertaining…lol…I began corresponding with this guy the other day…and yes, I admit to be “cheap” with words…and really don’t like giving much info…

    So here it:

    CJ’s – 1st message:

    “fast moving personality , hummm I like that line . Well I enjoyed your profile soooo maybe you could give mine a whirl !!! thanks , Cj ”

    Me – 1st response:

    “Hello Cj,

    Thank you for showing interest in my “fast personality” 🙂 It feels good it did not scare u 🙂

    Warm hugs,”

    CJ’s – 2nd message

    “Miss Ella , thanks for the response back . Soooo you seem like you have unspent energy always available . . .nice . . I dont know what your rules are going back and forth here on …. but when can one meet one ???? Something light like coffee , tea , v8 , prune juice ect. My best qualities are not exactly computer skills but whatever your comfort zone is I understand . Ok thanks again Ella , bye Cj ”

    Me – 2nd message:

    “Good morning CJ,

    Gosh what a spectacular morning 🙂 I feel soo excited about it…:)

    I can relate to the “back and forth” email feeling…What I can tell u though is that I am a bit old fashion…and I feel good with men taking the lead on what/when the next step should occur…:)

    Warm hugs,”

    He – 3rd message:

    “you just took me back to the one era that if someone asked when in time I would love to live in it would be , now don’t laugh but , Little House on the Prairie . . . You could just live off the land and everybody know everybody and it was safe and simpler times . Did you just chuckle at me ??? Old fashion , I think that’s great !!! Cj . . . p.s. you are wright this is one B E A BEAUTIFUL DAY . . . ”

    So, this is indeed to chuckle about…his last response, does not require a response…the ball is in his court…I feel very intrigued ab how would this unfold…



  75.  #75Summerbaby on February 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Personally, I think the vibe we send out has more to do with how we feel about ourselves than anything. And just because we meet a …. er…. um…. “challenging” or triggering man, doesn’t mean we should beat ourselves up for attracting him into our lives. I think they are there to help us refine what we want, sometimes by showing us so clearly what we DON’T want…

    So I generally thank the universe for helping me refine what I AM in fact wanting. I also find that I heal me a little more every day.

    I am constantly amazed at my progress, as far as what I used to tolerate, and what I now won’t even entertain briefly!

    It’s funny to me, because I always saw myself as so emotional, but truly, I’m learning that I always stuffed those feeling down. the more I let them out, the better I feel about me. *i* am creating a safe environment for *me* to accept my feelings and trust myself.

    The more I do that, the more I like myself, the more he likes me. At least that is how it seems.

    Summerbaby



  76.  #76Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Thank you for a lovely, lazy morning, Sirens! I am kid-free and CD-free and best-friend’s-drama-free for the rest of the day and evening, so I am going to go get some middle eastern food and read comics at the bookstore until I feel like doing something else! I might go to a movie or I might just read seven straight issues of The Walking Dead and make the pimply teenage boys at the bookstore wonder why a suburban mommy type is so into zombies!

    Yay me! CDing myself!!!

    Oh, and all that strife last week over TallColumbusDude and whether he got my emails or wanted to see me? Ha! Despite his last email saying we’d meet up tonight, there was no follow-up, and he’s still avoiding me on IM. Why not just delete me??? Ah, well…that’s his business and not mine. Poor guy. He can’t have kebabs and hummus or enjoy the pleasures of zombies with a beautiful, sexy, rock star tonight!!!



  77.  #77Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

    RE 71 SLV I am not yet sold on online dating. I have profiles on match.com and christianmingle. I also prefer to double date initially. I will sometimes go to a bar but never do it alone. I have sat alone and see what I attract. I have come to accept that guys have other things going on in their lives with women. This usually gets exposed after a while. I have gotten contacted on dating sites even without pictures but I only date if the guy is open to double dating and so do it with other friends, especially if it is in a bar. I have problems accepting that people really find their soulmates in bars.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

    SLV I also believe that Rori teaches to mix it up a bit and that her things are tools to experiment with so I try to think outside the box. I should also add that I am connected to a church, a job and schools where I have a lot of opportunity to experiment without the online dating scene. I go to a lot of soccer matches, pools, tennis and other events that allow me to meet men. I also decided to take up roller blading since last year where I go to a place where they have adult night. I have met a lot of people there and practice my dating skills. I found it amazing that even in the skating rink guys will just come over and join me in skating or dance/skating.



  79.  #79Ella on February 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Turtlegirl,

    I want to say sorry I feel like I kinda disregarded your advice in my post 68.

    I didn’t mean to do that.

    Food allergies is definitely something I will investigate should I still have the junk cravings after cutting out bread and sugar!

    Thank you.

    xoxoxox



  80.  #80Summerbaby on February 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

    I’m thinking with all this talk of kicking sugar that I might have to look into it as well.

    I have been having a flare up of IBS today. I finally resorted to taking my prescription. I hate taking pills but my illness overrode my stubbornness.

    I wonder now if IBS is really just a food allergy. I am reinventing myself daily, so maybe some dietary changes are in order as well.

    Summerbaby



  81.  #81Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    hmm. just got a chance to read rori’s post here. i feel good knowing that i did exactly what she wrote around a bf in college – when we broke up I matter-of-factly transferred to a different college hours away bc I knew I needed to do that to love myself. I feel proud now. At the time ppl thought it was extreme, so I felt like a weirdo. Two years later, he showed up at my new college and asked me to marry him. But I was happily engaged to someone new. At least I did Something right. 🙂



  82.  #82Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    @77: Femininewoman says:
    “… I also prefer to double date initially…”

    This is very interesting but it has never crossed my mine to do an initial date as a double date! I have in my mind that first three or four dates is “getting to know you” in a very basic way.

    My eyes and ears are all open. Does double dating for initials help with connecting with new guy?

    “… I have come to accept that guys have other things going on in their lives with women. This usually gets exposed…”

    Do you mean that guys usually are “attached” in some way even though they present themselves as “unattached?”

    FW, this new and helpful info!!! Thank you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  83.  #83Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Uh.. meant “crossed my mind. 😳



  84.  #84Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I am listening to the Soulmate Summit and the couple said they did not realize they were in a relationship until 6 months into seeing each other practically everyday. They thought they were in a friendship. It just goes to show how different people’s dynamic can be and that there are no one size fits all situations. He came to his own realization and that he wanted to do it so he could not imagine being without her. He mentioned the drama less factor in the relationship and that it had to be mostly fun for him not work.

    What I am opening up to here is that the work should be on myself. Is it that when I work on myself the relationship naturally falls into place?



  85.  #85Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    I date in public so I get opportunites to get to know the guy on the dance floor etc. At bars I have excused myself from friends and go find any empty table or spot. They usually are trying to get to know each other too. Once I had a guy get jealous because he drifted off for a while. I chose not to go looking for him and another guy drifted over while I was practicing Rori’s lean back. I learnt that night that guys offer drinks in the hope that I will go home or sleep with them. That night two guys came over while I was sitting alone.

    Think of speed dating. If some experts teach that we can know someone in 7 minutes I ask myself why can’t I find a way to find out what I want in double dates. There is always a opportunity to drift off alone.

    I am not a 20 year old so most guys have some attachment. I accept that they are in different stages of their lives. Also I have learnt that guys keep their options open.



  86.  #86Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    As far as unattached is concerned I have come to understand that guys think of this differently than we do. When they are dating, there is no attachment for them. I have heard “go with the flow” “see where this leads” “hang out together”. For me all these mean is that they do not have attachment in mind and they are doing that with others. Even looking at the stories here it seems that only when guys agree to it there has been some type of attachment. It seems to me that the guys accept that until you are in front of them or there is some mutual agreement they are unattached. Am I the only one who feels that way?



  87.  #87Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    thx for your input, lg, fw, slv (did i miss anyone?). i appreciate it. fw i like your remarks about no “one size fits all.” it’s weird about the stuckness – it seems to be hanging over the whole family – all my kids…. my daughter just said we all need to move to california or ireland to get unstuck. and she didn’t even know about rori’s post!



  88.  #88Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I am now wondering if they create the imaginary relationship to avoid the attachment. If they are working to lure us into imaginary relationships it could create the illutionary attachment for now, no?



  89.  #89Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    I asked about what you might be telling yourself because at times things are flying below our radar of consciousness. Also the common denominator in our lives is us. Sometimes we feel when we try something new or get a new situation things change only to become disappointed when it doesn’t. As in being happy when I get married or get the new job. I look at what Rori recommended as a possibility rather than an answer. It is something to try out to see if it works. There are sometimes when we don’t have the option of moving so we change our hair, our clothes something in our environment and our attitude to see if we can change how we feel. The key is trying and changing to see sometimes what we stumble onto.



  90.  #90Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    @85: Femininewoman

    As “double dating” I was thinking more of two couples meeting together for dinner and wondered how that would effect getting to know a new guy since there would be four people in the conversation.

    I’ve had some double dates but there was not too much “drifting off alone” perhaps though depends on where it is. Usually going to dinner/movie/or theatre/then drinks & music or go for desserts etc I’ll think a little about that.

    “…I get opportunites to get to know the guy on the dance floor etc…”

    I’m not much of a dancer. I could probably use some lessons!

    Thanks, FW.

    xoxo
    SLV



  91.  #91kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    I am not ready to date at all.

    I’m focussing on ME and great things are happening, but I still wake up every morning with a pit in my gut, adding one more day to the ‘he still hasn’t contacted me’ tally, and counting back all the times I messed up.

    I miss everythng about him.



  92.  #92Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    just found out something new over christmas – my bil said my sister asked him out three times before he said yes! i never knew it went down that way! they have been married 25 yrs and going strong. i knew they met in a bar where he was performing but didn’t know she initiated! he didn’t say yes right away bc he was caught up with his own stuff and busy. he is 12 yrs older than her.



  93.  #93Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    RE 82 SLV just remembered Virginia suggested that the guy could still be pining over the ex and use that as an excuse but it could also be that he does not yet feel safe with us why he does not want to take the relationship to the next level. That resonated deeply with me because I know how I have been in the past. This is one reason why I respect people’s feelings. I give compassion to myself and continue working on myself so that I feel safe with myself and create the space for the other person to feel safe with me. If he drifts away while I work on myself I am now open to believing that the universe will send me another opportunity. I like the concept of abundance because it works better for my mind. Dwelling on negativity has not helped my mood.



  94.  #94Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    @91: kaitlyn says:

    “…I miss everythng about him…”

    It seems to me that the longer guys stay away the more attractive they become.

    Did you read anything on the Evan Marc Katz blog? He has some interesting posts from time to time and he is very “cut to the chase” no messin’ around!

    xoxo
    SLV



  95.  #95Ella on February 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    JenniferW

    Don’t know if you are reading today but I read your post on the last thread and wanted to say I feel for you.

    Situations like that can be really tricky and kinda pull the heartstrings, when he is there but it just kinda feels like he isn’t quite giving you what you need. Or isn’t quite giving it his all.

    I don’t want to make judgements about the situation as we only have the snapshot of a couple of posts but what did pop out to me is that you are hurting with this and feel that something is lacking.

    I know expectations are not helpful, on the other hand I think I would be feeling the same as you in this situation.

    I want to be spoiled with gifts on my b.day and Valentines Day by my special man to feel loved. Doesn’t have to be expensive but just an acknowledgement of the occasion to show he has thought of me.

    I think that it would be great for you to build up your vibe by CD-ing. Foucs on yourself and treating yourself well and then communicate your needs clearly in FMs.

    It is best if you can communicate in a non blaming way, more like ‘hon, you know this is what makes me feel loved and really good …’

    I would not do it by text.

    I would do it face to face.

    Texts can come across whiny bc they can’t hear the tone of voice or get the vibe.

    You know this but I think steer away from asking if he loves you. Instead if you are not feeling the love from him go out and top up from other sources.

    Can you CD?

    And then if he can step up and give you what you need once you communicate that then great, but if he doesn’t you will have lots of options!

    Hugs.

    xoxoxoxox



  96.  #96kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    SLV,

    I read EMK all the time. And now I kick myself for not listening. So many times, I shouldn’t have criticized or sweated the small stuff with my guy. Now he’s gone forever. Then again, John Gray says it takes up to 2 months for a guy to return. :sigh:



  97.  #97Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    @FW
    “…If he drifts away while I work on myself I am now open to believing that the universe will send me another opportunity…”

    I think so too.

    I am over at Ultimate Soulmate and going to listen to Alison Armstrong if it’s still available. EMK is on for tomorrow!

    I’ve not checked out the Virginia blog; is she the same one from top of thread post a while back?

    xoxo
    SLV



  98.  #98kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    SLV,

    What can I do to become more attractive to him? He’s on a different coast on business until mid-May. The only time we might run into each other is FB. We can see each others’ pages. I have been keeping my status updates upbeat and filled with pics of each new painting or drawing I do. Positive and productive is what I’m trying to project. His FB page is business as usual- music or movie clips. He’s never been one to air personal stuff online.



  99.  #99Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    SLV yes. I got the interview the relationship experts for this month, it was there I heard her.



  100.  #100Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    I have to say just about all in the summit is saying love is in our heart; we magnetize love by loving ourselves, clear the space, dont try to control the outcome, looking for love inside us and we need to let go of the past.



  101.  #101Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    RE 98 are you attractive to yourself? Why are you even trying? What are you trying to accomplish?



  102.  #102kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    So weird to think a guy who once pursued me pretty hard now wants nothing to do with me.

    I’m leaning waaaay back by not contacting him. Since my last attempt to contact went unresponded.

    I keep reading Tinque’s ‘don’t contact’ posts to me and nodding my head ‘agreed.’

    But what if he’s waiting for me to contact him?



  103.  #103Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    @96: kaitlyn

    That’s John Gray. Don’t “wait” on the guy. It could be four or six months! Instead, CD *you* and then some other guys. IMHO, if it helps to think you will be even more fabulous if/when he returns that could get you started…

    P.S. Thank you for the info you passed on about blenders, all that good stuff. I wanted to thank you not sure I did because I was very sleepy at the time. I think I do want a VitaMix!!! I remember them from the 1970s! Yahoo!!! At the time I had a glass bodied Osterizer it was pretty powerful too, it would turn ice cubes into snow; i made fabulous frozen daquiris.

    In the meantime I might now settle for one of those Magic Bullet thingies, my DDIL has one and it is very cute.



  104.  #104Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    kaitlyh why are you kicking yourself? That will create unattractive bruises. What are you doing to feel whole and complete in yourself?



  105.  #105kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    98

    yes, i’m attractive to me. it comes and goes in waves, however. but these days, due to finally weighing 105 lbs and being productive/creative, i feel very attractive.

    trying to remind myself i am awesome, so i don’t fall off the rockstar wagon. and yeah, trying to put the word out to him in case he ever lurks my page again.



  106.  #106kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    104

    the gym, the gym, and the gym. painting, drawing, being with friends, eating healthy, complimenting people, keeping my house clean.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    kaitlyn he might be waiting for you to contact him yes but both of you will definitely feel better if he does. Last time I saw one of my Cdsm was Jan 15 and he was telling me how his phone is no longer ringing as much. I believe him but I also believe that there was a subliminal message there that I must call him. I am in way leannnn back. The last time he came back after that he was extremely sweet and chivalrous in a way I have not seen from him. I know it is a pattern in his life that he withdraws. I knows he does it with friends and family so I allow him.



  108.  #108Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    @98: kaitlyn says:

    “…What can I do to become more attractive to him?…”

    IMHO, you are doing fine!!! Keep being your fabulous you. Rori’s method is for us to “have the relationship you want” rather than any one particular guy. If you read around the blog you will see how often guys come back way later and the women have often moved on to better things. And if not their vibe is way improved and they are not intimidated by thoughts of losing the guy if/when he returns. Definitely a winning position.

    You are a hot lady! Wiath a lot going on! Now stop those tears! 😀

    Literally, stop the tears and the thoughts. There is a Rori post that shows how to do that. It’s “Rosa’s STOP method.” Go to main blog home and then go backwards until you find that top of thread post. It will help you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  109.  #109Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    RE 105 kaitlyn may I suggest putting the word out there to the world rather than to him? That is tantamount to focussing on him and he feels it and could withdraw as a result.



  110.  #110Ella on February 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    FW re 9,

    Yes I will be gentle with myself.

    But I am ready.

    Change is a process.

    xx



  111.  #111kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    “kaitlyn he might be waiting for you to contact him yes but both of you will definitely feel better if he does.”

    felt my vibe shift a tad for the good. just a tad. a tiny microscopic tad > nothing.



  112.  #112Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    When Kaitlyn mentioned her FB status, it brought up a question to me about what I might be doing. I am being very cautious about my status updates, knowing that P will be seeing them and getting some sort of impression about how I’m doing. I wonder two things:

    (a) is my status updating some sort of subversive way of leaning forward? my guess is “yes” since I am considering him, in a way that I wouldn’t otherwise do, when I am writing my status and he probably senses this.

    (b) if he senses this, will it push him away or will it create an environment for him that limits his curiosity of what I’m up to and/or his missing me so that he won’t be drawn to me or feel the urge to call. My guess, here, is “yes” as well.

    Hmmmmm interesting



  113.  #113kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    112

    omg i’ve wondered the same thing!



  114.  #114Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    yeah, people stop updating your FB, maybe some guys will want to check you out personally to see what you are up to…

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  115.  #115Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    RE 112 Pamalela Virginia suggested in the interview this month that we stalk their facebook pages and devalue myself. That rattled me a bit because it is something that I had done just to see a picture during the withdrawal phase to make myself feel good. I am now committed to not doing that because I feel the sense of excitement when I just think of going on. Then after I get sadness which does nothing for myself esteem.



  116.  #116Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    *Snap* and *blink blink* I am following that advice too and staying out of miscellaneous forums.

    Thanks, Pamelala for putting that little bug in my ear!

    xoxo
    SLV



  117.  #117Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    my difficulty with WH is that he is the first guy ever who “rejected” me. it feels strange to be in this position. I am “supposed to be” the one who decides the guy isn’t right for me when that’s the case. i feel cheated out of the chance to decide for myself. even if he’s not “the one” – I am supposed to make that decision. besides, i wanted more kissing with him no matter what. 😉 grrrrr. what does this mean? i am aware that it may sound obnoxious btw.



  118.  #118Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I am going on a “social media” diet plan!

    xoxo
    SLV



  119.  #119Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Lucy I am sure I saw somewhere where Rori says he cannot reject us. I have to look it up again. In the meantime what did he say that for you translated into rejection?



  120.  #120Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    I love that we can realize something about ourselves by even the smallest mention of something random by someone else. I am going to customize my status so tht he can’t see it. That way, it doesn’t impact my relationships with my friends and family, but doesn’t act as a secret message to him either.



  121.  #121Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    How can he reject if I am the one making the decision? How can he reject if it is my choice?



  122.  #122Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I am going to be disappeared and playing my FreeCell when I get bored from stuff online and waiting on downloads, ha! no more posting, ha!

    xoxo
    SLV



  123.  #123Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    When unfriended on facebook can this be done Pamelala?



  124.  #124Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    my fb philosophy: express my authentic self independent of which guys may be looking at it. no agenda. none.



  125.  #125Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @117: Lucy says:
    “… grrrrr. what does this mean? i am aware that it may sound obnoxious btw…”

    What does it mean? It means head on over to the “No Closure” post. You know the one… 😛

    And fling him up onto your horse and keep moving on…

    xoxo
    SLV



  126.  #126Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I have not unfriended P. Basically, to customize your status, go to the box where you write your status and click on the little picture of a lock. Select customize and you can select who does and does not see your status. You can select “friends of friends,” “just friends” or “specific people.” Either way, you can write a friend’s name in the “hide from” section that hides your status and wall posts from that particular person.

    To hide your status from unfriended people, altogether, just select “just friends” in that customize box.

    I only let some of my friends see my status by setting up a list and selecting friends to go on that list. Then, under the customization of the status, I put the name of the list under “specific people.” This way, only those particular friends can see my status.

    Be sure to select the radio button that says, “make this my default status” or something like that.

    Hope this helps…I know it’s kind of complicated, but once you get the hang of it, it give you a lot of flexibility with who does and doesn’t see your status.



  127.  #127Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Thanks P.



  128.  #128Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    and it seems to me that “not updating SO THAT he becomes curious and misses me” reeks of a.g.e.n.d.a. and focusing on him and is actually another form of leaning forward. btw i feel the same way about the affirmation “he likes me more when i don’t contact him” — that is a.g.e.n.d.a. and leaning foward psychically imo.



  129.  #129kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    i have to stay on fb to post my art for networking purposes. but the first week he didnt contact me, my posts were definitely more in hopes to attract him. i hope that week didn’t turn him off.



  130.  #130Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Oh shoot! Lucy, you’re right. Hmmmm…where is the balance? Time to contemplate that.



  131.  #131kaitlyn on February 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    128 hahahah i did that around valentine’s day.



  132.  #132Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    It could also be a way to redirect or refocus my mind away?

    Also responding to human nature, absence makes the heart grow fonder?

    But I hear you Lucy. Both perspectives are right. So now what is the 3rd way that might work for both?



  133.  #133Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    @128: Lucy

    Sometimes just getting away from updating for a while gives a new perspective. The only purpose is letting ourselves grow in other ways. Plus you don’t have to see their faces… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  134.  #134Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    fw, that’s the point. i didn’t get to make the decision – he did. he said he is attracted to me physically and personality but that it wouldn’t work out in the long run bc i don’t drink like he does (which became an issue with his ex-w when she stopped drinking) and also my shellfish allergy since that is his favorite food. slv, i meant what does it mean that i am having this new experience of being the dumpee rather than the dumper. he is on my horse and i am riding but he is playing his guitar and singing



  135.  #135Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    singing so loudly that i can’t not hear him the lil horse-riding gypsy minstrel. i’d throw him off but he’s too big for me to push. plus i wouldn’t want to break his guitar.



  136.  #136Daria on February 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Ugh it grels frustrating cuz w him and even w geyright man and giywho in the pasr… I feel imsecure beimg so Imto them .

    My og patna told me getright man can tell…

    They can tell and its easy for them…well at least for dman… He feels so comfy to be aroumnd and then he starts sex and it feels good…

    Its not eve planned but he can bring it up

    And what do I want… Kisses, romance

    Im getyimg comfort and affection anf company



  137.  #137Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    @ Lucy
    “…i meant what does it mean that i am having this new experience of being the dumpee…”

    I don’t know. What do you draw from it? It could be the experience of seeing things from the other side. It could be a signal it’s not enough that he’s on your hourse, you still must not forget to ride on.

    xoxo
    SLV



  138.  #138Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Lucy that reminds me of Bruno Mars song “had your eyes wide open” and that he should have taken it for a sign early on. Gay Hendricks also tells a story about a wife who he had a severe allergic reaction to after their first kiss. He said he ignored it as a sign of the pain he was to experience during several years of marriage. He ended up having to give up his share of the house they had together having letting it to go the universe that it will bring him abundance in other ways when he decided to heal himself and pursue another relationship with his now wife Kaitlyn.



  139.  #139Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Re 112

    Pamelala and Kaitlyn and well, everyone…regarding the Facebook question and Rori’s “change of scenery” advice in this post…

    When I first came here several weeks ago, I was pining over DangerousDavis, my pursue-y insta-relationship man. After I told him I wanted to CD to take the pressure off of us, he stopped calling, and I got weirded out having to see his picture and updates every day online because I really wanted him so badly (for the record, I do not tend to obsess, and this guy reallllly triggered my obsession gene). Also, I was aware that I was posting forced-happy updates with him in mind: “See, I’m fine! See, I’m over you! Hahaha! See, I’m the same quirky little thing you called “positively adorable’ not long ago! See, other men will dig me!” So I un-friended him.

    Was deleting him from my environment a) wise b) immature, or c) irrelevant and I could have kept him as a Facebook friend and just gotten on with my life?



  140.  #140Ella on February 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Have just noticed that my mum has bought a whole box of mini croissants and some hot cross buns…

    Ha ha, resolve is being challenged.

    But I have decided, this is what I want to do.

    Clean up my diet.

    And also eat more consciously rather than just eating in front of telly where you are not concentrating on food.



  141.  #141Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    fw, the fb third way is what i wrote in 124. live your life, be authentic, no agenda or manipulation.



  142.  #142Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Thanks. My controlling autopilot in gear so I didn’t grasp that.



  143.  #143Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    @141: Lucy says:
    “…fw, the fb third way is what i wrote in 124. live your life, be authentic, no agenda or manipulation…”

    I find some things I do are not done totally consciously so it’s good for me to go “on retreat” from time to time.

    xoxo
    SLV



  144.  #144Ella on February 19, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Millie re 8

    Thank you!

    You are inspiring.

    xoxox



  145.  #145Ella on February 19, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    SLV

    re 73

    Really? Does that mean alcohol has a higher glyceamic index than sugar?

    Wow.

    I know it has more kcals per gram than sugar (alcohol is 7kcals per gram and sugar is 4 kcals per gram).

    xoxox



  146.  #146Ella on February 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Humph!

    Am having sudden pangs of sadness thinking of Mr B. Feeling as though I am missing spending time with him!

    Feels like pangs of blue in tummy and swirling blue tinged with red.

    Feels tense in tummy and empty!

    Feel sad 🙁

    Oh, want to feel good.

    Oh well I love my sadness.



  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Sometimes i read something a man has written I realize he doesn’t get, just doesn’t get, doesn’t have a clue.

    I cringe to suspect worse that he’s telling a woman what he thinks she wants to hear but doesn’t understand why she wants to hear it.

    He doesn’t understand why because he doesn’t get it, just doesn’t get it, doesn’t have a clue.

    He thinks women think, feel, experience emotions, relationships, sex the way he does so he doesn’t get, just doesn’t get it, doesn’t have a clue…

    So he gives his man version of what to say to a woman.

    xoxo
    SLV



  148.  #148Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    145: Ella says:
    “:…Really?

    Does that mean alcohol has a higher glyceamic index than sugar?,,,”

    Yeah.

    I don’t know i’ve only seen beverages on the gycemic index, including alcoholic beverages but they are not just alcohol. Don’t remember exactly where they fall…

    We should look them up!

    xoxo
    SLV



  149.  #149Daria on February 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I can tell him I dont want to meet casualy ahain. That I feel really connected comfortable around him but I only want to go oit on a formal date.

    This is the first time after tje first time he came to me… He used to get me to dribe there…

    What do sirens think?



  150.  #150JenniferW on February 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Ella re#95

    Thank you, Ella, for your words of advice. I feel that you understand. I only see him on the weekends. I texted him almost 4 hours ago and am patiently leaning back and awaiting a reply. It was a super-long text. I told him how I felt. I tried my best not to blame, I stated some facts and at the end I asked him if I was right, to let me know, if I was wrong, to let me know. I’m sure he’s sitting on it right now.

    I keep telling myself I’m going to be ok either way. Its rough because I really love this man. He has told me he loves me once in a blue moon, usually when we go away together. I think my anger from the lack of gifts even though I expressed how I felt will get me through a breakup.



  151.  #151Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    @Ella

    You are a big help with nudging me. Thanks.

    I’d been mostly using Suzanne Somers’s list in her books and I’d really gotten away from doing that even….

    This site (link below) looks good.

    http://www.glycemicindex.com/

    I haven’t explored it yet, maybe later. I’m going to start by finishing up Suzanne Somers’s latest book. I’ve alloted myself five days to do alot of little personal pick up work and start 21 day challenge on Monday… therefore a 26 day challenge. I’ve been “messing around” and burning up time…

    I gotta get the show on the road…

    xoxo
    SLV



  152.  #152Ella on February 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Boomer re 11.

    OMG!!!!!!!
    Poor you. How awful.

    I normally aim to stay away from judging men but WHAT A TOTAL D8CK!!!

    Wow, so glad you didn’t meet him.

    I have this issue too.

    Regarding being open versus listening to my instincts which tell me a guy is no good and to run the other way.

    Eg: Mr B.

    And I am not blaming the RR way of being open… its just it needs to be balanced with having the ability to walk away from what is not good for us.

    I think this is the toxic men stuff (I do not yet have this programme).

    But I do think there are times when we just need to walk away from guys, rather than being open.

    I am interested to hear what other Sirens think on this?



  153.  #153Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    But yes Boomer that guys sounds awful!

    xoxox



  154.  #154Eternity on February 19, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    OOO this post is very timely for me. I don’t want to leave the online site where we met which has all my wonderful international friends on it.

    But didnt know how to express myself to him when we cross paths again. Thank you Rori.



  155.  #155Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Ella-#79

    Thank you for being a sweetie with your words. The thing is I don’t see what I say as giving anyone advise.
    I just throw it out there because I think we should all share our knowledge. One thing someone says might be the one thing that is the answer. I have no idea.
    If I can be of service or help, then great. My philosophy is take what you need and leave the rest.

    We are all here because we want to change. Change our vibe with men, change our diet, change our relationships with other people, grow, change our life for the better, etc etc.

    It’s all good. Much love,

    Turtle Girl



  156.  #156Turtle Girl on February 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Ella-

    Alcohol has tons of sugar in it. And yeast and other grains, depending. High carbs and an instant fix for the sugar craving, goes right into your cell walls like nothing flat. Very fattening and toxic of course if too much consumed. duh.

    The average glass of red wine has about 100 calories, all carbs. A bottle approx 700 calories. When I drink it, it goes right to my ass. And of course I am allergic to it because of the yeast and sugar. Ugh.



  157.  #157Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    FW @ 29

    What is it?



  158.  #158Eternity on February 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    11 Boomer

    O my gosh. I would feel so disrespected and angry. How dare he lecture you in your own home. Does he think this will endear him to you? Who cares what he thinks. Wow just wow.



  159.  #159Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    FW – sorry what I meant is please can you expand on what they say about awareness?



  160.  #160Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    @Femininewoman

    I know you are really good at examining things. I look through CL ads for thoughts of contemporary males in dating mode. There are all kinds of things going through their heads. When patched together with other things I’ve learned these “man thoughts” can be very revealing.

    xoxo
    SLV

    *********************************************
    CL Ad:

    “Knotting Hill and Romantic Times – 45 ”

    Hi,

    Hope you’re having a good day. Have you ever seen the Movie Knotting Hill? I was so touched by that Movie and always fantasied having a Romance like that (Not all the Drama), but how they still can’t let go and how they (Julia Roberts & Hugh Grant) end up at the end lying down on a Park Bench with her head on his Lap,

    I just found that so intimate, as it portrays such immense feelings and how they act it ‘LIKE THEY KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT” that they are totally in Love and meant for each other.

    OK, so I know it’s only a Movie but I always dream of just being so intensely sure of each other. OK, Call me crazy, but I have never found that yet in my Life and I will never give up on the TRUE the thing.

    So what I want to experience is just that. Not on a Park Bench, as it’s February……lol, , but to be so close to someone that we don’t have to talk or say anything and just feel safe with each other, arm in arm head on my shoulders and just “B”.

    Perhaps it’s a long shot but if you ever crave intimacy, in this way,let’s be friends first and perhaps create that incredible feeling of Complete Safety, Emotionally . We don’t have to Fall
    in Love but have an Amazing friendship that is so close and so special.

    I believe truly in my heart someone will read this post and totally understand, where I am coming from. So I am sticking my head and
    my heart out on the Line, so if you feel you would like to try such an incredible friendship to begin, please don’t be shy and write to me.

    I am a very, very Loving Man, very Caring, Very Affectionate, and have been told by others/friends that I am a really safe Man to be around. I am tal1 6’2″ tall, Handsome, a heart of Gold and so much affection to give. I have a lot to give.

    To be honest, this is not about Sex, at least not intended to be. It’s about being Intimate and being close to one another as 2 Human Beings Bond and share their their thoughts, feelings and warm
    Bodies together to complete inner peace and to each other, & to be understood and just plainly feel nice. I am not looking for a Commitment,
    but only. Someone that understands this amazing feeling.

    Whether you are attached and not getting that affection you crave, or being neglected, or if you are Single and just looking for that great feeling every now and then. I am totally Non-Judgmental.

    I rest assure you 100% Confidentiality and would be more than delighted to hear from you.

    I ask so kindly, be serious when you respond, as I don’t want any Stupid Responses and NO SPAMMERS.

    Thank You so Kindly
    Have a Wonderful Day and Evening, (Unless we meet tonight…..lol)

    P.S. I have come to the Conclusion about myself that I am not the kind of Man that can just have Casual Sex with anybody. Truthfully I have met a few People from C/L and could of had SEX, but didn’t. Just didn’t feel right.
    I have discovered I can’t have sex with someone I don’t have any connection with or have some kind of true Care for or Friendship with.

    Not to Worry as I am Not asking for any Commitments, Just Good feelings
    and good laughs as well.

    Prefer Ages 18-40, any Race, any Color
    Cheers to all
    I will send you a recent pic upon your reply.
    Trust me , I don’t bite, quite the opposite..:)



  161.  #161Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Complete change of scene (Darling Ella).

    Yes that might feel good.

    New hobbies, new people and be open to new experiences…

    I am going to try it.

    Babysteps.

    Pole dancing and Zumba first.

    Time with my ‘married’ friends…



  162.  #162Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    slv, i’m cool with the fb retreating move – as a true retreat, with no agenda. i usually check in with myself and ask honestly about my unconscious motivations for an update if i am in a questionable space- and when in doubt i refrain from posting. but i don’t want my life to be run by “what a man might think about my fb status or lack thereof.”



  163.  #163Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    LG re 36.

    I LOVE this and feel good reading it.

    This is what I will strive for!

    Thank you!



  164.  #164Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    SLV – I’d love to hear your interpretation of the CL ad. I have my own thoughts, but would love to hear yours.



  165.  #165Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    @ Feminine Woman

    “You are an example I believe for people like Alonka.”

    I feel quite uncomfortable reading that.

    To me it looks judgemental to say ‘people like … ‘

    I just prefer to think that we are all indidviduals at different places in our journey, all struggling with different things, with different strengths and weaknesses.

    I believe we can ALL learn from each other.

    I do like the idea of being a good example however I do not want to think that some are better than others… or are doing better than others.

    I feel triggered.

    What do you think?



  166.  #166Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    @162: Lucy says:
    “…i don’t want my life to be run by “what a man might think about my fb status or lack…”

    “Look at me” posting aside, when I do a retreat it’s from other things as well, it’s time I spend on myself. Like a monk,,, maybe. I’ve been doing an annual retreat every January for about 15 years for a weekend or a week. Taking a couple weeks at other times is also good and if it prevents “over-updating” as a side effect, couldn’t hurt… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  167.  #167Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    @164: Pamelala says:
    “…SLV – I’d love to hear your interpretation of the CL ad. I have my own thoughts, but would love to hear yours…”

    You first, LOL 😆

    Oh, BTW I think the guy is probably a basically decent guy,,,just a guy who thinks like a guy. 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  168.  #168Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Re 49,

    Rori suggests quick meet up and I now agree with this.

    BC Ihave found I can spend weeks in e-mail or phone contact and then meet him and realise I actually have not got to know him at all.

    Where as face to face time is real and I can get a better sense of him fairly quickly in a face to face meeting.

    This way feels better to me.



  169.  #169Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Kaitlyn @ 129

    I do this too.

    It is really hard not to.

    But to flip it, maybe my posts actually attract him, or another better guy! xx



  170.  #170Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    SLV – My interpretation – he could have boiled this down to just a few words:

    “Safe, handsome guy looking for NSA cuddle buddy.”



  171.  #171Ella on February 19, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Hmmm,

    What i am learning tonight is to get clear on my intentions…

    It is difficult though cus I want a man who is perfect for me… but he will not be ‘perfect’.
    He can’t be too ‘good’.
    I don’t like too good it drives me mad cus it makes me feel inadequate and wrong for wanting to be bad sometimes.

    Plus it bores the hell out of me.

    My ex before Mr B was too good and was very judgemental of me… this taught me a lot about where I was judging myself but is not what I want for a relationship.

    I know Rori says we need to get comfortable with good men and I appreciate this and can work with this. But please not dull.

    I REALLY WANT to have adventures and fun with my man, and be naughty sometimes.

    But he needs to be safe!

    Mr B was not too good.

    But he was not safe or healthy.

    How do I put all this into a clear intention?

    To hold in my mind and send out to the universe.



  172.  #172Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Boomer 38. My guess is that your free spirit profile was attractive to him bc unconsciously he experiences a deep need and hunger for that inner freedom himself – he is trapped in his conditioning, and your profile was a true siren call for his caged spirit. unfortunately he is unaware of this and thus the dial-up of his pain in your presence, almost a panic reaction bc of the chasm btwn where he is and where his spirit wishes to be. Compassion for him (from a distance, no need to engage). my 2 cents.



  173.  #173Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    DE

    I want to attract different/better men too.

    🙂



  174.  #174Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Lucy: #172

    Wow…that’s a beautiful and insightful explanation…:)

    Warm hugs,



  175.  #175Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Ella:

    Gosh, I dreamed about u last nite (or I guess this morning)…You sent me a txt message…saying something about wanting to talk to me and u seemed in a hurry to do so… u picture came up on my phone…and in my dream…i looked at u pic…and i felt surprised…cause in my dream u had the same soft light curls, but u were black 🙂 Geez…what would that mean???

    Warm hugs,



  176.  #176Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    @ Summerbaby

    “So I generally thank the universe for helping me refine what I AM in fact wanting. I also find that I heal me a little more every day.

    I am constantly amazed at my progress, as far as what I used to tolerate, and what I now won’t even entertain briefly!”

    Owww, I like this!

    Makes me feel much better about the whole Mr B thing.

    Yay, I am refining what I don’t want. And tolerating less and less. And learning!

    Thank you. 🙂



  177.  #177Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    @170: Pamelala says:

    “…SLV – My interpretation – he could have boiled this down to just a few words:
    “Safe, handsome guy looking for NSA cuddle buddy.”..”

    Yes, that is what he’d be satisfied with. I see a lot of those ads, straight up. What’s interesting is I believe he thinks that he is offering more and he is offering what he believes women “really want.”

    When I first saw the ad I thought two things.
    1)if this really is a favorite film, you’d know how to spell it.
    2)EMK’s quote that “men go looking for sex and find love, women go looking for love and find sex.”

    Is ad copy indicates he has some knowledge that most women, at least the ones he really wants, want more that to just explode his load; they want a special feeling. Actually he kind of likes a special feeling too…as a condiment.

    He thinks perhaps he has cracked the “special feeling” code by watching a chick flick. There is a possibility a previous or even current gf has broken it down for him.

    The part he hasn’t absorbed is that the special feeling so sought after by women is not one that they pick up and put down like he zips and unzips his pants. Or as he describes it:
    “if you are Single and just looking for that great feeling every now and then…”

    Since he is leery of the dreaded “commitment” monster, he’s letting us know he would never ask anything so awful of a woman either:
    “Not to Worry as I am Not asking for any Commitments, Just Good feelings
    and good laughs as well. ”

    I got a little giggle as I often do from some of these, usually far shorter and cruder until I saw the last lines, this which goes far with me:
    “Cheers to all
    I will send you a recent pic upon your reply.
    Trust me , I don’t bite, quite the opposite..:) …”

    My little quirk but I’m always impressed by a man that sends or shows a photo first. I’ll even forgive him his quest for an 18 year old.

    It lends another bullet to my armory… 😆 I know a lot of guys think like this even the “good ones.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  178.  #178Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    DE,

    Really?

    Ow I don’t know. How exciting.

    I believe a lot in dreams and the messages they bring…

    Maybe I have a message for you.

    You said my situation mirrors yours in some ways?
    Maybe we are connected that way.

    I feel smily that you dreamt about me.

    IWhat do you think?

    🙂 xox



  179.  #179Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Ella #178:

    Gosh, I don’t know but when I read u comment I get a sense of “naughtiness”…Phew…it must be my naughty imagination for so…

    Glad to hear my dream didn’t scare u…Yes, I totally believe in dreams and the messages they carry…

    And yes very likely you could be my messenger 🙂

    I have been writing a bit about some of my patterns (inspired by your situation at the time)…I choose not to post them…it seems too long…There must be an easier answer…

    Warm hugs,



  180.  #180Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    No thoughts from the sirenship.

    What does Daria think.

    Daria feels hopelessly trapped in the good friend trap.

    Daria feels guilty to say I don’t want to be your friend. I do like being your friend, then the lines get blurred and I feel good being your liver and now it’s like the guywho scenario and I don’t want that.

    But sometimes I get lonely and think a friend will hit the spot but it doesn’t and in like the getright man scenario.

    And it all feels drauning and like I’m goin round in circles and the stepup guys I ignored his calls cuz I feel lonely physically.



  181.  #181Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Or bored… Feeling bored and dad attacked me only talks to me to attack me now



  182.  #182life_is_too_short_to... on February 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Ella,

    From the other thread:
    you said:
    “I sooo disagree.

    I don’t think we give men enough credit.

    Men love me when I am vulnerable and authentic.

    What most men can’t handle is ‘drama’ ie when we are overly emotional, out of control, spew it all over them and blame them for it!

    Well that is my opinion.

    If a guy puts his feelings above his own or can’t handle me being authentic, I don’t want him. ”

    I actually agree with you. Last night, you and the sirens were very gracious in letting me vent from a bit of frustration and growing pains around boundary setting.

    I am way calmed down now and in a good space.

    I am leaned WAAAY back….not in order to get him to chase me again, but so that I can be in my calm, peaceful center, focused on me, not him. That feels good. That feels right. Not constricted. I can actually love again from this space.

    I’m not even sure I want him to chase me again, because I don’t know if a) he is really that into me,
    although it feels like he is much of the time and he wants to get together all the time, and not just for sex and b) if he is actually even capable of giving me the kind of relationship i want.

    I dunno, he may be bi-polar. I seem to have a pattern of attracting bi polar men.

    So, it is no longer about blaming anyone.

    I got myself in a space where I am not thinking about him all the time, because, as Rori says, if you do that, you will knot know or recognize if he is “showing up” in the way we need him to. And that is so true.

    Also, men may not like the dramatics and then blaming it on them, but I don’t like it when the men do it to me, either.

    Your last sentence hits it squarely dead center!

    and like Rori says, he’s not the one and only guy out there! She promises!

    🙂

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  183.  #183Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Now they’re fighting dad attacking mom defending I feel tired don’t want to be hearing this

    Og friend didn’t let me in house no one is treating me well enough

    I’m not treating self well enough I won’t paint welds toes or work self out or skin brush self.

    I’m just tired and lonely.

    Mom wants to give away her car that was mine to drive before, I get treated second third rate in my house

    Some girl at comm service was even like wow why they so mean to u won’t even give u a ride

    Ufff

    Fln sleepy

    Nice boring cd taking me dancing tonight

    He’s hesitates to touch me even while dancing

    Woohoo not

    Feeling angry



  184.  #184Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    @181: Daria says:
    “…Or bored… Feeling bored and dad attacked me only talks to me to attack me now…”

    Could it be it’s not an attack but he’s mad and doesn’t know what else to say?

    xoxo
    SLV



  185.  #185Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Slv – so what?



  186.  #186Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I’m mad . I’m mad that I get picked on yelled at put down and attacked.

    I’m mad that I get into frozen deer mode.

    I’m mad that I am lonely.

    I’m mad that I’m treated like a burden and not like a loved princess.

    I’m mad that I’m not praised and encouraged often.

    I’m mad that the cat gets easily 98% of the loving words



  187.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    @185: Daria says:

    “…Slv – so what?…”

    So intention is not to harm you but to release anger. Though what was said could in fact be hurtful. Do intentions count? I think sometimes they do.

    xoxo
    SLV



  188.  #188Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    I’m sO mad and I’m gOna cry.

    I’m not good enuf of a siren to elicit sympathy from dad. Or inspire kindness.



  189.  #189Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    I’m lower than the cat.

    I’m an evil parasite that’s killing him and ruining his life.

    I’m mad at this energy in my aura.

    Dissolve and heal.



  190.  #190life_is_too_short_to... on February 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    “i’m mad that the cat gets 98% of the loving words”

    oh daria ROFL i’m sorry that just strikes me so funny



  191.  #191Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Ella:

    I think this the message u had for me this morning when I woke up:

    “I think he represents fun. The part of me which just wants to let go, and have no cares or responsibilities, not worry about anyone else or what they think and just do whatever I want, without worrying about consequences. ” (u wrote it on the other thread)

    Aren’t dreams amazing??? This sooo true from as well…He represents so much of that free spirit of which I secretly desire…and on top of it …he can afford it…sometimes I feel teased by his flamboyant lifestyle…and feel envious of it…Darn…I feel my chest tightening…I feel tense…my breathing is heavier…oh no…i am holding tears…I feel anger…

    Deep breaths…I am a big large tree…with deep roots…deep breaths…open my pelvis…unzip my heart…i am on my throne….I am the Queen of my Kingdom…men are surrounding me…i am open to receive…gifts, affection, adoration…

    Hmm…very interesting Ella 🙂 What I also found interesting u also seem to have to persona u care for within u…the little Ella and the Diva Ella…

    I too have little Eleni and the Goddess Eris (my inner warrior)..

    Warm hugs,



  192.  #192Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    @186: Daria says:

    “…I’m mad that the cat gets easily 98% of the loving words…”

    Hmmm, who was doing more purring today, you or the cat?

    xoxo
    SLV



  193.  #193Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    His intention is to always release anger. He’s bern releasing it on me and mom all my life.

    Ok. Fine release anger great and I don’t want to be attacked. What do u think?

    Cuz I feel really mad and don’t know how to not attack now.



  194.  #194life_is_too_short_to... on February 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    hey don’t beat urself up, daria.
    it’s not always about not being a good enough siren.
    there are so many variables in every situation, that are not in our control.



  195.  #195Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    I afraid to purr still.



  196.  #196Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Stop bein loud! Go back to fuchkin sleep!

    Thanks life



  197.  #197life_is_too_short_to... on February 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Breathe, get into your heart center and chant OM to get out of that attack thought groove



  198.  #198Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I’m not a bad siren, just feeling panicked urgent, helpless and powerless and frustrated and crunch tightened fear

    In spleen, numb behind eyes, ache in heart.



  199.  #199Daria on February 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    They’re having an argument downstairs and all sounds resonate clearly and loudly to my room.



  200.  #200Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    @Daria

    I’m a little sad that something went down at your house but I bet everybody still loves you. I’ve been told all kinds of stuff too and sometimes when I was pissed I say, “I know you love me anyway…” LOL Just to be obstinant!
    😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  201.  #201Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Thanks ladies.,. Loud talking over, now I will nap.



  202.  #202Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Slv – lol thanks. That sounds fun funny and a lot less crushed than how I usually feel like my heart is getting punched.



  203.  #203Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    @195: Daria says:
    “…I afraid to purr still…”

    Awwww, Hugs.

    xoxo
    SLV



  204.  #204Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    I am ashamed to be obstinate. I have been taught I have no rights and must treat myself like nothing to mitigate the damage done by my being a parasite.



  205.  #205Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    In a great brave Daria suit I could stamp my foot and say! I Don’t want to be talked to this way! I feel angry… And march upstairs.

    Them demand I’m bought a laptop like my dad did for my male cousin.

    Them demand I get a life and business coach to follow mydreams because I deserve it.

    Then demand I get advertising for my businesses,

    And that the car I drove is not to be given away until or unless I get another I like.

    Then demand the herbs and natural food I want is bought for me.

    Then demand shower filters are installed for me.

    Then demand use of the other closet.



  206.  #206Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Then demand that at least once per day I am told something positive about myself, encouraged in one way, and told something someone feels proud or admiring for.

    Dad Nv: but they’d nothing

    Superdariasuit: that feels awful to hear. I don’t want to be treated this way by my father. I’m sure you can think of something…



  207.  #207Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    @204: Daria says:
    “…I am ashamed to be obstinate. I have been taught I have no rights and must treat myself like nothing to mitigate the damage done by my being a parasite…

    Whenever anyone would say anything like the above it would be followed by that person saying (or someone else telling them)

    “…now going out to the garden to eat worms…” 😀

    I think it will pass over… but I’ll send you a good vibe it I can muster one up. I’d send you a can of Campbell’s chicken gumbo soup… you know the cure-all soup my grandmother used to give me. But it’s not longer available. Gone the way of the dodo bird! I think the quality ingredients became cost prohibitive to factory product. Isn’t that awful!

    I was looking for some because I needed comfort foods and thought about those.

    Do you have comfort foods?

    xoxo
    SLV



  208.  #208Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Slv I don’t have comfort foods. In a way that’s a good thing.

    I did see the campbells gumbo I think a few years back. You might want to look in a black neighborhood’s supermarket. Or check online.



  209.  #209Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    I comfort myself by being around friends, sleeping, or reading



  210.  #210Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Ps thank u. I feel concerned I don’t say thank u everytime someone gives to me here.



  211.  #211Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    @Daria

    When I was an adult and moved back home by father told me I should move out! Somebody else here got told same thing, I think it was Turtle Girl. I don’t remember.

    And I’ve heard even worse. Don’t sweat it. They love you. If they didn’t they would not be on your side and giving you fab Christmas presents too.

    xoxo
    SLV



  212.  #212Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Yeah I was remembering Christmas … That was real nice.

    But what kinda imaginary relationship is that… I’m supposed to tolerate coldness and attacks just cuz on Christmas it was diff?

    No I supersuit Daria don’t thunk so.

    It better be like Christmas everyday around thus mothafuchka.



  213.  #213Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    172 Lucy! Whoa, profound! I can totally buy that explanation. I don’t believe anything or anyone can be that tightly packaged up without something seeping through the cracks. Good theory and thanks!



  214.  #214Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    It is a privilege to be in my presence.

    I feel drained.

    No one can really be there for me all the time when I need them.

    I Daria can, but Daria let’s me diwn by not painting my toes akin brushing me, exercising me, or cooking fir me ahead of time.



  215.  #215Boomer on February 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Bwahahahah! SLV said:

    “Actually he kind of likes a special feeling too…as a condiment.”

    Oh, can I use that? that’s great.



  216.  #216Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    208: Daria says:
    “…You might want to look in a black neighborhood’s supermarket. Or check online…”

    Ginger tea with honey could be a comfort food.

    I checked in two large supermarkets. And then checked online, even a few years ago people were asking about it and it had apparently been discontinued. It had okra in it, some people don’t even know what that is unless they were raised down by the bayou.

    Not sure how grandmother chose that one but it was chicken and veggies without starchy stuff so probably not too bad. I’ve also been told I used to love okra when I was small child, the real plant okra, we had vegetable gardens. I don’t like it much now.

    I got some Progresso chicken and wild rice soup instead…it was OK.

    xoxo
    SLV



  217.  #217Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    I don’t want to skin brush you, exercise you, or paint your toes. You ask too much of me. You want me to curl your hair, sometimes get a job, you want me to put makeup on you, WTF! This is all too much.

    I’m tired. I just want to rest and have fun.

    I feel obligated and drained.



  218.  #218Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    I like okra a lot. I like it fried

    – I know how to make gumbo too.



  219.  #219Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Somewhat – I’ve seen it made and I think Darias fly by cooking is good



  220.  #220Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    @218: Daria says:

    “I like okra a lot. I like it fried
    – I know how to make gumbo too.,,:

    Oh, you can make the real thing! That could be a good comfort food and nutritious too!

    xoxo
    SLV



  221.  #221Lori C on February 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    @Daria

    I feel very admiring of you and am learning about feeling my stuff, through watching you feel yours.

    lc



  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    @Daria

    Besides, file gumbo is magic food. I should have known you would find out or figure out how to make it.

    xoxo
    SLV



  223.  #223Ella on February 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Darling Ella,

    That is amazing. And so cool.

    We are connected across the globe! 🙂

    You are an inspiration to me as well. I gain a lot of strengths from your posts.

    Hugs. xoxoxo



  224.  #224Lori C on February 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    I am listening to Alison Armstrong on the Summit.

    I have replayed the part about the “Rage Monster” causing women to feel like they are crazy when deeply hurt.

    I have felt like I was going crazy so often lately, that things I knew were true didn’t feel true anymore, that maybe I was making them all up and i thought I was crazy. I feel so happy to hear that it was pain that caused that.



  225.  #225Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    My concern is that I’ll tolerate the same kind of treatment with a husband that I tolerate with my parents.



  226.  #226Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Thanks lori c 🙂



  227.  #227Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    @225: Daria says:

    “…My concern is that I’ll tolerate the same kind of treatment with a husband that I tolerate with my parents…”

    Nah, that won’t happen. The man will probably be afraid of you. He’ll think you “might start working roots on him or something.”

    joking, joking. But… he probably will… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  228.  #228Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    @224: Lori C says:
    “…I am listening to Alison Armstrong on the Summit…”

    Oops, I pulled that up and left computer and haven’t listened it. Should go do now…

    xoxo
    SLV



  229.  #229Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    SLV # 227:

    “Nah, that won’t happen. The man will probably be afraid of you. He’ll think you “might start working roots on him or something.”

    OMG…I can’t stop laughing…Hmm…I will keep this image with me…I feel power, strength…all Sirens’ vibe exerting the same power over men…including yourself, SLV…:) What do u think ab that?

    Warm hugs,



  230.  #230Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    @215: Boomer says:
    “…Oh, can I use that? that’s great….”

    Sure, use it. I’m exploring the many varieties of the male mind.

    xoxo
    SLV



  231.  #231Senior Lady Vibe on February 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    @229: Darling Ella says:
    “…I feel power, strength…all Sirens’ vibe exerting the same power over men…including yourself, SLV…:) What do u think ab that?…”

    I think it would be a true siren’s “unflappability.” I’m striving for that. I’m not there yet.

    xoxo
    SLV



  232.  #232Ella on February 19, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Re the facebook status thing…

    I have to admit that when I have been doing my status updates I have had it in my mind that Mr B will read…

    Hmm, so in this way I have still been leaning forward!

    Also I have been ‘cheerful’ on my updates… which is not always how I am feeling…

    So therefore inauthentic.

    This is another thing I am going to change.

    Tricky one, but I guess I can make sure I only post when I really want to, aim to keep Mr B out of it… and be authentic.

    Maybe I’ll leave off posting for a bit.

    I’ve been on there 24/7 since I had my op as I have not been out…



  233.  #233Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    My mom just came in w love respect fun stories, asking for my opinion and sharing her accomplishments. I feel great.

    I will focus on this 🙂



  234.  #234Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Uh oh, Sirens…I’ve been bingeing all day! Orville Redenbacher caramel corn, girl scout cookies, chicken fried rice! I feel bloated and fat!!!

    Haven’t been able to pinpoint what triggered this 🙁 UGH



  235.  #235Daria on February 19, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Hehe thanks Slv .. Guywho was already getting spooked of that before I even found my magic



  236.  #236Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Girls,

    My CD #1 this morning.. we went to the Met museum. He wanted to show me American classical art that I don’t know that well. He really liked me when we met, I could see that. He gave me an amazing tour. He knows so much about art and explains it so well. it was going great. I felt that his attraction and respect were growing. he asked me to stay longer than I said I would to show me more stuff. He was manly, smart , resourceful and he took charge.

    And then he says – your online pictures don’t show your personality right. You are soft and girly and they show you more like a type A person. I prefer women that are straightforward, not shy to speak up and don’t sit there waiting for a man to call them. I say: oh that’s very interesting.

    A few minutes later I got unbalanced and almost ran into a person beside me.

    He says: it’s your pointy shoes, you have to be careful or you break your leg one day.

    I: no, not really. it’s people accompanying me have to be careful. I am a professional gymnast in the past, I’ll find my way, but people walking with me – they have to watch out. My pointy shoes can be hurtful.

    He: it looks like they’re only good for learning how to ski. Have you ever skied?

    I: yes, I’m a black runner despite not type A personality

    At that point I was about to leave. He said how nice it was to meet me and that we should do it again one day. I thanked him for a great tour and left.

    One of the morals of this story is that even manly men are not necessarily looking for a passive feminine personality in their partner. It’s not all this simple. I am not saying it doesn’t work, it definitely does, but it’s not that simple



  237.  #237millie on February 19, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    ella you crack me up ! sugar is like crack and for me very dangerous. i avoid it at all costs. i believe it is also some how connected to depression,that has been my personal findings after years of battling the horrible thing. must make it clear however it is not the cause! but does contribute to some of the symthoms. bad bad sugar i soooo hate you



  238.  #238Daria on February 19, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Alonka – rori teaches to be the woman men want, not what they Think they want. We might not fit their criteria, looks, lifestyle, or personality wise… But they will be attracted to u’s emotionally and all that Doesnt matter.



  239.  #239Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 6:03 pm


  240.  #240Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Alonka – your first CD! How was the practicing? Were you able to lean back and use feeling messages? I’ve been finding it so difficult in person.



  241.  #241Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Pamelala – I meant my first CD today;) This date was at 9:30 am. I have no problem usually acting ‘girly’ because he was right, that’s who I am. it’s when I feel that I need to take charge I am not comfortable.



  242.  #242Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Daria – I hear you, but also I do have respect of people’s opinions when they express them. if someone tells me that he likes white wine, I consider that he may like red and just doesn’t know about it, but that thought is secondary for me.



  243.  #243Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Alonka, I’d love to hear your thoughts on what “girly” looks like for you. The reason I’m asking is that I get the sense that I’m hearing, “Sure, I tried the recipe, but I did it ‘my’ way. In the end, it didn’t taste good. That recipe is bad.” That’s just my impression and I’m sure it’s colored by some preconceived notions of my own. So, I was interested in hearing how RRs tools, specifically, worked for you, because I find them difficult and need practice.



  244.  #244Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Anybody listened to Gay Hendricks an enlightened coach
    http://soulmatesummit.net/event/



  245.  #245Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Alonka:

    “One of the morals of this story is that even manly men are not necessarily looking for a passive feminine personality in their partner.”…I feel very triggered by this statement…What do u define “passive feminine” personality?

    I feel very curious, did u acquainted yourself with Rori’s ebook or any of her programs?



  246.  #246Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    DE – I think that’s what triggered me as well. I feel powerful as a siren and find the word passive to be off-putting. For me, being a siren is all about being anti-controlling and anti-manipulating, but hardly passive.



  247.  #247Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    RE 172 Oh Lucy that was positive and absolutely beautiful. That is the type of thinking I am meaning when I talk about respecting them and their feelings. That is so beautifully expressed.



  248.  #248Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Girls,

    By ‘passive’ I mean what Rori calls to be the 2nd one in a relationship, i.e. allow your man to take the lead.

    I’m not saying that Tools don’t work! I am saying there is the other side of the coin.

    About being anti-controlling and anti-manipulating – yes, I choose to be that as well. But I do know couples where women act exactly this and do get what they want.

    Anyway, did not mean to start this discussion;)



  249.  #249Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Pamelala#246:

    I feel curious ab her answer(s)…it might also give me answer(s) about why I had to hear the “but…” sooo many times in the other thread…and felt soo triggered as well…

    “But” I feel hopeful there is always a good reason 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  250.  #250Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Pamelala #243

    ‘Girly’ to me means, again, following a man’s lead, treating him with respect, allowing silences in a conversation, showing him my feelings and being vulnerable, trying to share who I am.



  251.  #251cateyes3 on February 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Great post Rori and something I need to add to my list of things to work on. Especially the CD part (which is very new idea for me).

    I haven’t dated for fun in XX years but, I’m ready (and need) to make some changes… So far, so good… 🙂



  252.  #252Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    RE 165 Ella thank for pointing that out. I did not mean it like that but I can see how it could come across that way. What I actually was thinking was that it was opposite to the closed offness of Alonka and a firsthand example of success. So many people here have tried to say the same thing to Alonka both from Rori tools, from personal experiences and from friends experience but she constantly find a way to explain it away and disqualify it as invalid. It seems she has an unconscious commitment to hurt herself. So committed to proving that the Rori wayis wrong that she was only looking for a loophole so even if success was staring her in the face she would not be able to see it. I felt frustration and sadness just reading all the arguments she was putting up. So yes I was being judgemental and I apologize.



  253.  #253millie on February 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    re:46 hi boomer you are such a lady and i feel grateful and happy to have you as a role model in being in my feminine role. wow those men are so disrespectful and angry. in my mind im imagining them shrinking, the angrier they are the smaller im imagining them until they are ant size with squeeky little voices. disrespectful disrespectful DISPRESPECTFUL!!!!!! i feel triggered i am so angry that men can be so ick



  254.  #254Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    I know this will come across as argumentative but my son can follow a man’s lead, treat him with respect and silently listen and I would not see him as girly.



  255.  #255Daria on February 19, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Alonka I like the idea that men will be attracted to me on a deep emotional level regardless of whether they think they want girls to call them.

    I’ve also had very much experience with men liking girls to call them. This is often standard for men, Ie more than 50%. Nonetheless it Doesn’t work to attract them in my experience.

    Men also really like women to give them blowjobs, but that doesnt attract them on a deep level to the woman.



  256.  #256Alicia on February 19, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    I like the post.. I feel discouraged because.. I go on a ton of first dates only with guys..

    I feel confused – like I am not where I use to be.. But not sure where I am going or what I am doing. ‘

    I feel uncertain.. like how much cd’ing do I have to do and does it really work.

    I feel fake and pretending – when I am texting and going out with guys I have no attraction too all in the name of cd’ing.

    ughhhhhhhhhhh..

    Acutally, I have a date tonight… with Mikey. I have warmed up to him.. but we only text.. and I dont feel any type of future with him at all. He is just a sweet person.

    CDing gets old fast for me, but, I try to keep at it. I know it does help. I just experience burn out quickly from it.



  257.  #257Daria on February 19, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Femwoman @ 252 – I ‘see’ the same thing with Lucy but I don’t know how to both express myself and not judge… It feels frustrating and I feel lost about it

    I’d like to heal this.

    It feels weird like I’m silencing myself to say nothing, but that’s mostly what I have done. I feel relieved to see u write that.

    Now I still feel a lil confused as tohow express that in. Nonjudging way, and how i feel about it.

    I feel most frustrated and like shocked and like helpless – unable to express my truth.



  258.  #258Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Feminine is passive, Ie being. Passive has been made negative by masc oriented thought.



  259.  #259Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    FW,

    I was never trying to prove anyone wrong;) It’s not why we are all here. But this is not a religion either and if I have questions or doubts of course I’d express them. Why not?

    Although when I read one of your posts – quoting below – my immediate decision was not to rely so much on your opinion because I know that this is not true. I know it’s hard to grasp someone’s story or attitude, but I know mine, so it felt very strange to read this:

    ‘I have been impatient in the past and have experienced some impatience around what Alonka has been writing to the point of thinking that I can only imagine what the guy must have felt and why he must have withdrawn.’



  260.  #260Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    And mostly I feel like heavy sad noticing those things.

    But it’s a few posters that trigger me this way.



  261.  #261Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Everyone is me so I know these are parts of myself.



  262.  #262millie on February 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    sorry for coming on strong but that really triggered me, but i guess its better to hear these things up front and know what they are like early on so they dont waste any more of our time.



  263.  #263Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Frustration and sadness yes.



  264.  #264Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    FW

    Maybe I was being judgemental of you too…

    Hugs.

    I guess I just feel more empathetic to Alonka’s progress bc I sure know I have had deaf ears sometimes.

    Even when all the Sirens were telling me the same thing, sometimes I still had to go out there and find it our for myself.

    That is why I try to be patient when I see another Siren struggling and resisting.

    xoxoxox



  265.  #265Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    And a disconnect, walls up blocking me from considering their feelings… “defenses up on ship, stop energy drain, go cold, do not allow self to fall into catertaker of victim mode”

    But then I still fall into it in life, I must have big ol boundary gaps around this.



  266.  #266Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Daria #255

    Thanks, I hear you;)



  267.  #267Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    “Men also really like women to give them blowjobs, but that doesnt attract them on a deep level to the woman.”

    loool @ Daria!

    Point illustrated beautifully.

    xoxoxox



  268.  #268Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    SLV re the CL ad I sensed insecurity with the Commitment comment, the picture and don’t bite reference. He has either been hurt badly in the past or lack confidence in his looks. Guys are ego driven and though many use pick up lines I find no matter how they look they think they are hot. I am not sensing that in this guy’s writing.



  269.  #269Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    When that happened my defense is to shut down empathy… I feel in danger of being taken advantage of, even if it’s for listening to what makes me feel bad..,hmm

    Like when drunk friend is crying yesterday, I just ignore bec I figure she just wants attention, she always cries when drunk and doesn’t respect my own need for feeling good.



  270.  #270Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    RE 265 Daria is there a message there for me? I sense it is directed at me and would love to understand.



  271.  #271Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    I am feeling sad now having expressed that. I imagine I have triggered to feel bad the people I judged and I don’t want that.

    I want to be clear and compassionate but feel lost and discouraged to ever get this boundary healed.



  272.  #272Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Femininewoman – I am empathizing w u. I want to be able to express myself nonjudgementally and yet be truthful about what I notice.

    I felt a little freed up reading your post, but also sad because I know it would be triggering..,

    🙁

    I feel at a loss how to express myself around this and yes it cones up in my life lots right now



  273.  #273Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Alonka let me just clarify. I experienced impatience with what you were writing. I felt impatient and dismissive of you. That is my judgemental self because I have been judgemental and dismissive of my own feelings. It is my stuff not an opinion, just a stn////g attitude I had towards people and their emotions.



  274.  #274Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Daria which post I want to review it. That is how I learn. Please remember I spent most of my life triggering people.



  275.  #275Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Sirens,

    Being triggered in our daily interactions with our fellow human beings, often times can be overwhelming and frustrating. More often than not, our first reaction is to defend ourselves, blame someone else for how we feel and even attack when we don’t get our way, etc…

    Here is a story I read that I felt deeply inspired by:

    “Back in the late seventies, I had the great privilege of seeing the legendary innovator Buckminster Fuller lecture in San Francisco. When he finished speaking, the audience was invited to engage in dialogue via open microphones around the auditorium.

    One gentleman took the mic and proceeded to tell Bucky that he was full of beans, didn’t know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. Bucky paused for a moment, looked toward the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    As Bucky turned toward another person, the gentleman raised his voice and repeated his denunciation of Bucky and his thoughts, a bit more firmly. Again Bucky paused, looked squarely at the speaker, and replied, “Thank you.”

    Once again, Bucky turned to another, and once again the gentleman raised his voice, repeated his diatribe, and offered quite a bit of angry energy to his comments, asking why he was being dismissed so summarily.

    This time Bucky responded something like this: “Did you not notice that I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if some part of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected.

    I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction.

    Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion, to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, ‘Thank you’ seemed most appropriate.” ~by Russell Bishop



  276.  #276Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    RE 257 Daria Lucy is not currently here and I feel some discomfort around mentioning her name at this time but just wanted to say I see her as going back and forth possibly compartmentalizing that many of us do in our lives. Until we break down the compartments to the maze and allow a free flow of experiences this happens. I have learnt on the summit that every time we get hurt we build another compartment in the maze.



  277.  #277Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    LG, it felt good to read that you love me. 🙂 I love you too! I agree with what you wrote in that post.



  278.  #278Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    RE 275 DE Thanks for sharing that. Ella that is what happens with awareness.



  279.  #279Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    RE 277 Lucy thought you weren’t here.



  280.  #280Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    FW #273,

    Thank you, I am not angry or upset in any way.

    To give you a better picture let me explain. I was not impatient or pushy with this guy. Our relationship ended mostly because he is the way he is. And I am not very experienced with jerks, it’s hard for me not to trust. he told me that for the past 3-4 years all his ‘relationships’ lasted for 1-2 months. I didn’t think it was a red flag. He didn’t want me to meet his friends – I trusted him and didn’t see it as a red flag. After his prior trip he disappeared for 2 days, but when he called apologizing, I thought that this was resolved and didn’t see it a red flag. When he ignored my texts/emails sometimes and then apologized when I said how it made me feel, I thought it was resolved and didn’t see it as a red flag. When we saw each other he was very nice towards me and I always felt comfortable and loved, and supported, so it was really tough for me to think of him as a bad person who would apologize about being away for Vday (I was ok with that, it was his plan even before he met me!) invite me for a Vday dinner so nicely, text me happy Vday and disappear right after.

    I know I should be smarter, but I guess I grew up in a close loving family and I find it really hard to ‘suspect’ that your close friend is someone you can’t trust.



  281.  #281Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    FW:

    “Please remember I spent most of my life triggering people.”…

    Hmm…I feel sad reading that…:( It reminds of some of the trained themes in Toxic men, e.g, “it’s always my fault”…”and “be strong, good, right, and perfect”…Gosh, that feels overwhelming…a lot of pressure ….

    I feel compelled to give u hug …:)



  282.  #282Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    RE 265 Daria I find it intriguing that you feel energy when considering other people’s feeling. I feel drained only when a person repeatedly do not accept what I offer. I feel great when I am empathetic and consider others feelings because I have a history of dismissiveness.



  283.  #283Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Alonka – I can really relate to the way your relationship progressed. I’m SO trying to be cognizant to notice red flags on the front end rather than the back end. Personally, I let too many things slide in my last long term relationship. I learned a lot. I, too, am really trusting and hate to take a red flag and label a person ‘bad’ or ‘not right for me.’ My goal, in my next relationship, is to notice the red flags, recognize my feelings about them, and address them right away…this is my growing edge.

    I’m feeling hopeful for you that you recognize these things in yourself, too.

    Onward and upward!



  284.  #284Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    DE It’s always my fault is not my story. I have been the type to walk in a heartbeat, never the one to put up with anyone’s bs. I am known as the straight shooting no nonsense straight forward speaker. The type who just never cared.



  285.  #285Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    FW #282, Daria

    ‘I feel drained only when a person repeatedly do not accept what I offer.’

    That is interesting, I never felt this way. my intention is always to respect someone’s choice. I never feel that I’m 100% right. I may offer my opinion, but I don’t expect them to follow. I do want them to consider – in case it’s something they didn’t think of.



  286.  #286Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    RE 280 Alonka that clarification possesed several red flags for me. That is me, so I will not elaborate. Maybe others might see them and wish to share. What it triggered in my memory is something I read from another coach that guys keep their casual relationships for years by maintaining lack of consistency. They come and go and date the same person on and off.



  287.  #287Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Fw – I feel the same way, I feel hopeless (-am also tired in body so that is strong weakener ).

    I’d like to feel unflapped and open instead.



  288.  #288Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Seems these posts are having me see myself as having a need to be right. Is that something flying under the radar of my consciousness?



  289.  #289Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    I feel antsy tonight – the day didn’t play out as planned.

    I feel sad and helpless for my future daughter in law who’s father passed away yesterday.

    I feel giggly after receiving PoetryMan’s text which included a poem in Spanish 🙂

    I feel excited about my date with BaseballGuy tomorrow…just missed an IM from him 🙁

    I feel like nurturing my girlyness and purchasing a new perfume tomorrow. Any recommendations? What’s your favorite goddessy perfume?



  290.  #290Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    The same as in drained. Or when someone cries in front of me repeatedly over the consequences of their own actions..,

    I’m feeling prickly as I type.

    It seems they don’t want me to be happy or respect my space – Ie interrupting me to talk about them.

    Ugh I feel like slapping this one girl remembering.

    It feels bad. I feel small.

    Then I feel unsafe. I shut down, get hard, and do what you describe – Don’t give a Fuchk

    Then I feel guilty. And judgemental of self and afraid of judgement – “now I look mean”



  291.  #291Daria on February 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    How am I abandoning myself? 🙁



  292.  #292Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Pamelala #283

    Yes, I thought that I should learn this lesson from the relationship too.

    On the other hand, I don’t want to spend too much effort on fixing a ‘broken’ man. I want to stay true to myself and that in theory should attract the right person.

    I did not expect him (or anyone) to be so rude as to disappear like this for no reason. plus I only responded to his initiation of a contact.

    What else happened before he left is that one of my girlfriends pushed me really hard to have a double date and go for dinner together. So I agreed. At dinner she got so drunk, she fell off her chair. She couldn’t talk. And still she was trying to flirt with my guy. Then she got involved in a big fight with her bfriend, right at the restaurant. My guy just got our coats and forced me to leave. I don’t know this girl that well and did not expect this AT ALL. He was ok at first and we spent a wonderful evening together, but the next day it sounded like he talked to his friends about this and he sounded unhappy that I drugged him to this dinner and started questioning my friends:) But she is the only person I know who ever did that. I myself drink a glass of wine at dinner, he always made fun of me for this.



  293.  #293Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Rori talks about Life Themes we create for ourselves…that keep us stuck…and often create Toxic Relationships…

    Here are the “Me first” examples:

    I hate being told what to do
    I don’t like being held back from what I want or what I want to do
    I’m special, and the normal rules don’t apply to me
    Other people don’t matter as much as I do – what I’m doing is more important
    Other people can wait
    I feel that I shouldn’t have to follow the social conventions other people do
    Men are clueless and jerks

    There are also the Me Never examples and You First…The program was mind opening to me…



  294.  #294Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    Ex: Daria is at friends house. When friend drinks, friend cries over imaginary crises (my bf hates me and he’ll never call me again). Friend drinks anyway. Friend starts crying.

    Daria feels: uncomfortable, tightened up inside, bracing self by getting numb and de empathizing

    How is Daria abandoning self and what is loving action?



  295.  #295Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    DE – Wow, I have operated out of many of those themes at one point or another in my life. Some of them now! Interesting. Is this in the Toxic Men program? I think I need to study this idea some more!



  296.  #296Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    FW #286,

    The guy said he wanted a serious relationship and marriage. I waited with sex for a month, but we saw each other 2-3 times a week. It happened only when he said repeatedly that he wanted me to be his girl. When we were together after that happened he was holding me in his arms and saying – I really care about you. I always heard it from him and I felt it too.

    One thing for sure is that even if he had a very good reason to disappear (seems like zero percent chance now), I am not having sex with him until I feel very very very comfortable.



  297.  #297Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    DE Thanks for sharing that. The only place I see myself is “I hate being told what to do” but I believe that is human nature, I am not unique there. I also tend to want to break the rules and not always follow social conventions but that I am aware of for some time and have started to work on that though it still feels like people trying to control me so I feel constricted.



  298.  #298Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Pamelala:

    Yes, indeed…:) Rori covers many areas not discussed in her other programs…Totally worth it if u had patterns of toxic relationships…

    Warm hugs,



  299.  #299Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Daria could say: hey girl, I feel uncomfortable hearing you cry. I feel kinda helpless and feel myself shutting down. I don’t want to be around this. What do u think?

    Thinking of saying that I feel: vulnerable, guilty for not offering energy and support ( though in past experience offering this didn’t seem to work to get to a better feeling place )

    I could add… It would feel great to connect with you and hang out feeling happy and focused on good ferlings

    Saying this I feel: afraid/vulnerable, guilty like I’m only there for the good times – not true at all btw

    “”””

    Another thing that has bern pointed out to me is that this friend seems generous, but makes comments about when she dies something

    I now was told thus, and I noticed she gave me a ride home then said ‘curbside service’

    A joke, but… Does this happen a lot?

    I also was reminded that I often drove friend around in the past and dropped her off usually wout asking for gas money and sometimes even in extreme situations I’d – she peed in my car



  300.  #300Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    RE 296 Did he discuss timeline for marriage? Did he discuss money? Did he clarify what being his girl meant? Did he clarify how often you would be seeing each other during the week? Was he clear in exactly what he wanted?



  301.  #301Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Any thoughts on this pattern?



  302.  #302Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    FW and Pamelala:

    This part “Me First”…resonated to me as well more than the other parts..”You First”…”Me Never”…

    And working through it, I realized as a child I was determined to create a different reality for myself…a different lifestyle/belief system than the one I was “forced” to leave in…

    My mom was very controlling and disciplinary…as a way to encourage me to do better…she would use name calling and corporal punishment…

    I also was daily reminded how selfish I am and how bad I am…how desiring attention through music and dancing are the qualities of a “whore”…how much I reminded her of my real father of liking a “high end” life style…and that was very bad in her opinion…etc…

    Anway, these were just the beginning…of course, my early twenties experiences only added to the list…such as discrimination, nepotism…

    Not sure if this makes any sense to u…but, it really made sense to me why I shielded myself with many of the life themes listed above…



  303.  #303Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Daria,

    I had a friend like that when I was younger and I got to the point that I said, “I love you and it hurts me to see you in such pain. But this has become a pattern and, as your friend, I can’t condone you what you’re doing to yourself. I care so much about you, but, in order to take care of myself, I won’t allow myself to be put in the position of watching you choose to self-destruct. It’s too painful.”

    We had this talk when she was sober and in a place where she could hear it. She understood but didn’t change the behavior for several months. That was her choice. Taking care of myself was mine.

    Hope this helps in some way if only to let you know that I can relate and empathize with the situation.

    Pam



  304.  #304Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    DE I have to wonder about that. No aha moment for me yet as I have no memory of such things but am willing to explore.



  305.  #305Pamelala on February 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Darling Ella,

    For me, I think it is borne out of a feeling of invisibility. I made myself “special” in order to get my needs met and, if someone wasn’t meeting my needs, I would view them as less than me, less capable, less caring, less compassionate.

    There were also issues of abuse and secrecy. I’m sure these played into those “Me First” beliefs as well. I’m not nearly as much in that place as I used to be…thank goodness!

    To say I had a pattern of toxic relationships is an understatement…I have had ONLY toxic relationships. So thankful for healing and growth!!



  306.  #306Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    RE 303 The only similarity tha comes to mind is of a girlfriend who was throwing herself at men. I was so blunt when I brought it to her attention that she was hurt and didn’t talk to me for weeks. She was a beautiful girl and in my opinion did not need to do that as the guy was obviously not interested in her. She eventually came back and told me she spoke to her grandmother about it. Her grandmother told her that only a good friend would be willing to bring something like that to her attention so we continued to be close friends for years.



  307.  #307Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    FW #300

    We just knew each other for one month;) We did not discuss a timeline for marriage! I wasn’t ready for this discussion at all. I did not ask him to sign a contract on how often we will see each other;) This idea never crossed my mind.

    I thought it would be natural to see each other often, but when we started seeing each other less often it was due to his job (heavy season) or other things. I just started questioning this last week. I started seeing the pattern.

    maybe he is not a terrible person. maybe when his flight was canceled on Vday in Quebec City he met someone wonderful. Things happen even with good people;) I guess I will find out this sooner or later.



  308.  #308Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks Pam



  309.  #309Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    I feel sad. I really Want the tools to express myself in this situation.

    I’ve already said Pams suggestion,
    But somehow I run into her – she calls me a or for example yesterday was raining so it was convenient to go over rather than be rained on…



  310.  #310Alonka on February 19, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Good night everyone, very tired;) Thank you for the discussion!



  311.  #311LonePlum on February 19, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Daria 225

    Have you heard this one with Katie Byron?
    It the work done by a man wishing his father was different
    http://everypathis.org/ByronKatie/MP3/055%20Father%20Byron%20Katie.mp3



  312.  #312Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Even just a couple of days ago, she was drunk and cussed at me and another person. Then 2 hours later she had calmed and had forgotten.

    I want to not be around her but I haven’t succeeded.

    Perhaps Babysteps



  313.  #313Daria on February 19, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Thanks Loneplum… Will listen now.



  314.  #314Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    daria it does feel bad reading what you wrote about me. funny, tho, just today i was thinking about you and realized that the reason we trigger each other is bc we are very much alike in some fundamental ways. i watch you doing precisely the things you judge me for and i just smile to myself and shake my head. it doesn’t bother me to keep silent about it bc i respect your process and don’t feel a need to hijack it or judge it. Also what we *think* we see going “wrong” in another person is often really our o



  315.  #315Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    own stuff and the other person is actually right on target and we are misjudging. It’s about trusting the other person with herself. and that carries over into how we view/treat men, as rori has said – if we can’t trust another woman with her own process then we are not trusting men to take care of themselves either.



  316.  #316cateyes3 on February 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Life’s too short to be miserable and there’s too much hate in the world to go spreading around more! Here’s to looking at life with happiness and optimism!



  317.  #317Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    i do often feel surprised by the way you perceive me. it seems to me like you are stuck in a preconceived track concerning me and can’t see what is really going on in my life. and i wonder about that. i think it is rooted in fear, my gut tells me.



  318.  #318Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Daria:

    Hmm…I thought about u dilemma…Feeling though a bit confused ab it…u don’t know how to end the relationship? or if u should? or rather if there is something u want to heal and therefore, u should be bother by her behavior? and feeling vulnerable, judgmental of her????

    If the later is u dilemma, then it’s very interesting cause that’s been my dilemma for the past two years with someone I very much cared for…and yet the past two months I overworked my brain and heart to figure out…and I finally I made the decision last weekend…

    Warm hugs,



  319.  #319Brenda on February 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Daria,

    Re: #294 – “How is Daria abandoning self and what is loving action?”

    I would feel the same in a situation like that, where it was just in her imagination that her boyfriend hates her. Maybe you aren’t abandoning yourself?

    Maybe you are being true to yourself to not get sucked into a dilemma that is not in reality. But even so, maybe the loving action would be to point this out to her, the reframe approach.

    Then again, if she’s drinking you CAN’T reason with her. It’s a waste of energy.



  320.  #320Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Alonka have you ever heard the saying “men dangle the carrot of commitment for sex and women dangle the carrot of sex for commitment?”

    I am not being judgemental of you here. There are many women here who have been down the path you are now on. I sense that you are young and inexperienced so my motherly instincts are kicking in and I will admit my daughter complains I am overly protective. I myself have made many mistakes that I would like to protect any woman I can from. This can only be a learning environment only if we are open to learning. We don’t only or have to learn from personal experience.

    Those questions I asked I have now learnt are things many men bring up or focus on in some way when they are seriously considering incorporating us into their lives. My understanding is that guys don’t take things for granted. I was shocked when the money issue came up for me and an expression of a need to know about my financial obligations. However because I was aware that a guy could bring that up I responded honestly and calmly. I mentioned it to a friend at work and he told me that this is something guys discuss that they will require of a woman if they are going to setle down. I still couldn’t believe my ears. I am not saying your friend is a terrible person all I am saying is that we tend to assume things and become comfortable qucikly and shut down our options. Sometimes to wake up years later with a man in our 40s and still not married. I have even had a guy hit on me in bar and was looking to get laid. I was offended by it but kept up communication with him because I wanted to learn. I found out later that he was living with a woman who had teenage children for him and they were not married after years. Yes we became good friends so he eventually opened up to me.

    1 month is nothing in man years IMHO unless he is pushing to keep you in his life all the time, have offered a ring and a date. Many women here will tell you that they have been engaged more than once. I will also hasten to say that I don’t believe this guy has disappeared. He will resurface. All we want you to do is be aware of how you feel around him, set your boundaries and trust them, pay attention to his actions not his words, stick with your standards, choose your words and trust yourself. Don’t just give yourself away to a man just because you like him. Let him work for you, you are worth it. He will respect you more if he works for you and if he earns your respect. Pardon me for lecturing you but i feel protective of you.



  321.  #321Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    anyway before i read that i was gonna tell you that in regards to your concern about reliving the parent issues with a husband, michael brown’s “naked” might be helpful to you. it is about healing family issues so we can be free in our intimate relationships. it helped me a lot with my family stuff. i think if you google it you will find it. it’s sorta a completed blog that he says to read like a book. <3



  322.  #322Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    also when you mentioned insecurity around those men… i wondered if it was trruly insecurity or could it actually be vulnerability that you are feeling? or maybe you could allow insecurity to flow and transform into vulnerability… a related feeling that may feel more comfortable and that you can melt into. does this resonate at all? just somehting to explore maybe?



  323.  #323Brenda on February 19, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Daria,

    Re: #299 – I think those are good feeling messages. I have had to deal with a lot of negativity in people close to me, and it really does need to be addressed. I got to the point with some people, like my Mom, where I just didn’t want to be around her because of all the negativity. She was losing friends left and right. I finally concluded it was necessary to tell her how turned off I felt.

    I got to the point, when she reacted with anger, that I would give her a hug and say, “Mom, I love you, but I need to go now.”

    I did that every time she got negative. She hated it, but over one or two months, she finally got the point and checked the negativity.

    Now when she slips back into it, I just say, “Mom, I’d rather talk about happy things. What do you think?”

    If she responds, I stay. If she keeps perpetuating negativity, I give her a hug and leave.



  324.  #324Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Lucy it would be great if you could indicate to whom yourcomments are addressed. Not clear what 322 is responding to.



  325.  #325Winnie on February 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Re Ella and others in earlier posts 72,145, 156 etc

    There is some interesting information about how the liver processes alcohol in this video link about sugar. I posted it a few blogs ago, but here it is again if you missed it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM



  326.  #326Brenda on February 19, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Daria,

    Another thot – Some people spend their whole lives talking about how big their mountain is, and they just want someone to listen to how big their mountain is.

    Other people talk about how big their mountain is because they want to climb and conquer it.



  327.  #327Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    fw sorry. those were to daria, continued from above. it’s hard to do this on my phone.



  328.  #328Daria on February 19, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Loneplum. It’s helping very much. :). Thank u again.



  329.  #329Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Men get married when they are ready not because they are in love; they believe honor is doing the right thing regardless of what they feel: Alison Armstrong.



  330.  #330Daria on February 19, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    Lucy – thank u. I feel rrrrringgg to this you’ve said about trusting a woman w her process. Thanks.

    I’m dimly aware that I mirror you.

    Feels bad and disconnecting to read about shaking head at me.

    I am wanting u to cd all these men bec I think it opened me up to heal attachment to unavaily guy. And I still get attachment coming up so…. Trigger!

    Thanks for the Michael brown blog idea.



  331.  #331Daria on February 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Thank you Brenda and DE.

    De Decisions dont necessarily work for me, well I use intentions w Babysteps.



  332.  #332Daria on February 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Brenda I feel inspired that worked with your mom.



  333.  #333Luzydel on February 19, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    I feel scared 🙁
    I feel scared of being taken for a ride.
    Circular dating feels safe because I am not investing my emotions; it is superficial.
    But now I am with a guy I actually know a few things about, I am taking a risk of getting hurt and i feel scared. I know I can circular date again and meet other men etc etc. but once I go to the level of closeness, I feel sacred of getting hurt.

    Right now I have the feeling of d sabotaging things, and just push him away. I am freaking out, I am becoming suspicious of him. He has not deleted his profile, last night he sent me a text and I replied this morning and he has not contact me yet.

    I think I should go back to officially CDing other men, he said he want us to focus on US, but I feel he is backing up right now. I am not doing anything psycho, not calling or texting him unless he does it first. I hate feeling this uncertainty should I mention this to him?

    Any advise please?



  334.  #334Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    daria, that feels good to read. except i am sorry for the head-shaking. maybe my defense mechanism to shut off deeper feelings? thank you for telling me it feels bad and disconnected. i don’t want to do that. i intend to stop head shaking and check in with deeper feelings. <3 funny, i've said i feel stuck but realize now tht i am gaining awareness of Many of these automatic reactions lately! like noticing how often i feel critical of ppl's fb status updates! i've been noticing it then saying to god i'm sorr



  335.  #335Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    sorry for feeling critical of this person and i forgive myself.



  336.  #336Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I read recently (on here?) that when we criticize something we block that thing in our own life. And i noticed tht everything i criticized really Was something i was blocked in! e.g., criticizing persistent social media marketing by some of my fb “friends” (salesppl) – and when i stopped, said sorry, and forgve myself, i realized hey! yes, i am blocked/stuck in career/finances! this has happened repeatedly in several areas and it feels like magic!!! hopng it is a magic unsticking charm. 🙂



  337.  #337Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Luzydel, do you connect well with your intuition? if your heart/feelings/intuition are telling you to CD other guys, maybe you should.



  338.  #338Darling Ella on February 19, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Lucy:

    Thank u for sharing…This is just awesome…:)

    Warm hugs,



  339.  #339Lucy on February 19, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    thx DE! Glad u like it. 🙂



  340.  #340Luzydel on February 19, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    I reopened my Profiles, I wont mention it to him unless he ask. I don’t feel safe yet to date him exclusively. I am open to have sex just with him, but I wont close my options; especially when he still has his open.

    I feel sad and frustrated and angry and scared. I want a relationship so bad that I forgot to read the small print.
    I am not saying he is a bad person, actually he is great. But perhaps 2 months is too soon to give myself to him totally.

    I do not want to put pressure on him…



  341.  #341Winnie on February 19, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Leonard Cohen: “What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris? What’s the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood?”

    I love this quote and have been thinking about it a lot lately. To me it’s a reminder that I need to let go of my old “debris” so that I am able to clearly see (greet) those passing by. I am now starting to believe that there are in fact so many great guys out there and I just need to see them and to open up and allow myself to be seen.



  342.  #342millie on February 19, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    hi daria, big huge and love to you! hard to breath and grow when your enviroment is tense. had similar thing in my childhood. my father was always harsh and later told me he never wanted me, he wanted a son.well i carnt win that one no matter what i do. however when i look back he did love me with what he had at the time.they are his limitations and nothing to do with me, tough to get over but true. this probably doesnt help, but after years of theapy it helped me to realise its about me and my ability to love my self and not his ability to love me.



  343.  #343love4ocean on February 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    So well said Rori. I reflect on a couple of imaginary relationships that I spent “years” in. I now feel the lessons and look forward to moving forward into more positive and meaningful relationships. I am moving into circular dating and feeling more and more comfortable with the experiences.

    Thank you so much Rori for saving the life of this woman in her 50’s thinking that dating and love was over and that I just didn’t know how to do it!



  344.  #344millie on February 19, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    found it easier to set boundaries i was confortable with once i left their home, so alot of the helpless feeling were eliminated and i started to feel more incontrol and powerful.



  345.  #345Daria on February 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Lucy thanks ! I eas just criticizing my friend got not being happy alone anf thats whay I’m stucj on



  346.  #346Lenna on February 20, 2011 at 12:38 am

    I believe I am trying to do this. The guy I have been on and off again involved with works with me. He has a five year relationship. Every day he comes to see me. I have done and said so many of the things Rori says to do. I finally decided I needed to leave the building. I put in for another position at one of our other local offices. I got it!! He did say he will have to come have lunch with me. My hope is out of site out of mind! On both our parts. This relationship was helpful at first as I am widowed…but it really is toxic . I have felt so much pain and truthfully I still would like him to come completely forwarded into our relationship, but he said he is staying with his girlfriend…still wants me though…nope I am done..have to be.



  347.  #347Laughing Goddess on February 20, 2011 at 2:21 am

    322: Lucy says:

    also when you mentioned insecurity around those men… i wondered if it was trruly insecurity or could it actually be vulnerability that you are feeling? or maybe you could allow insecurity to flow and transform into vulnerability… a related feeling that may feel more comfortable and that you can melt into. does this resonate at all? just somehting to explore maybe?

    Saturday, 19 February 2011 @ 8:59pm

    awesome! I’m using that!



  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 3:02 am

    @299: Daria says:
    “…and sometimes even in extreme situations I’d – she peed in my car…”

    Just in case anyone didn’t know about these:

    “GoGirl is the feminine urination device that lets you go anywhere…”

    “Ok, so what’s a GoGirl?
    Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to pee while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.”

    http://www.go-girl.com/

    xoxo
    SLV



  349.  #349Daria on February 20, 2011 at 3:04 am

    Thanks millie



  350.  #350Daria on February 20, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Just got back from dancing… Felt soooo attrractI’ve there



  351.  #351Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 3:36 am

    @ FW you asked where is Wonder Woman on the previous thread.

    Here I am 🙂

    Sorry for the late reply. It’s taken me almost two days to get through the last few threads. ha ha I should probably just skim over them but I get so much information I don’t want to miss a single post.

    I have not yet met up with my friend because I have been really busy. We texted back and forth a little on Valentines day but to be honest he is always making sexual inuendos which don’t really bother me because he has been my friend for over ten years and I know what he is like but I am aware that he would be happy to be friends with benefits but that isn’t what I am going to offer him. I feel very comfortable to make him wait to see me. 🙂

    Instead I am working on myself and making my environment a healthy and happy place for me and my son and also I have become very aware of the men in my life who are not good for me in the long term and I have been letting them go and not initiating anything at all which is a big step forward for me. Usually I end up justifying leaning forward in some way but I have finally realised I am bored with it and I am finding new ways to fill my time.

    I feel very excited about what is happening in my life. I feel excited that I am working on myself inside and out. I loved your phrase about being “your best self” that is what I am aiming for. 🙂

    xx



  352.  #352Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:57 am

    Wonder Woman thanks for the update. I am happy to hear. I wouldn’t be put off by his innuendos. I would just take as him being himself and stay grounded and centered in myself and what I want for my life. Sounds like you have been doing great. Have you been exercising?

    Have you been listening in on the Soulmate Summit?
    Just heard someone said “I would love to marry me” because of the work she did on herself when getting ready for marriage. Think it was Amy Ahlers. I am definitely keeping that in mind to use when I get the opportunity.

    http://soulmatesummit.net/event/



  353.  #353Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:59 am

    I am also wondering what happened with Soul Sista? I guess she must be having some success so no time to hang out on Siren Island.



  354.  #354Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 4:07 am

    I read with interest the posts about f/b and the status updates.

    This is interesting for me because looking back I have been so needy in the past (I mean I am talking cringe worthy needy) so when men have began to pull away I have leaned forward or “had a go at them” in order to sabatage the relationship until they have literally closed the door.

    Last year a guy I met did not turn out to be what he indicated and it was the first time I was able to keep him on my friends list. Talk about upgrading the status updates to attract his attention. Seriously I can laugh now but at the time the stalking his page and updating my status was a full time job. The day he updated his status to say he had a girlfriend I thought my heart had been ripped from my body but he kind of did me a favour because I stepped away from facebook for 6 months. I literally deactivated my account which is not the same as deleting it which meant I could go back on whenever I wanted and all my friends were still there but after the 6 months I went back on and as I was no longer attached emotionally to him I didn’t feel the need to update the status to impress.

    I am still wanting him to notice me at times because I recognise I am the ultimate want what I can’t have personality so I also took him out of my news feed so the only way I get any info on him is if I literally look up his page. If I don’t do that I wouldn’t even know he is on there.

    I also restrict who can see my updates and also who can see my comments on other posts so I literally have no motivation to post to impress because the guys I would be impressing won’t see them anyway.

    For me being able to keep them on my friends list is a way of proving to myself I no longer need closure but I also know it is not worth torturing myself to keep a guy on the friends list.

    When I need a break from it I choose to deactivate my account until I am able to deal with it. Then I decide if I am able to deal with their regular updates and if I can’t I take them off my news feed.

    I don’t not post in order to bring them forward. I totally see my actions as taking care of me….and if I had to I would also not hesitate to delete and block someone.

    Is it just me or does anyone else think the modern way of communicating makes it much more difficult to not focus on a guy. I mean when I was 19 I would give a guy my number and wait for a call. In between calls I got on with my life. If I wasn’t home someone took a message and I got back to him when I had time. There was no chance of a imaginary relationship because either he called and met me or he didn’t.

    Now it’s like I haven’t heard from him best check the facebook….he is still there good….he hasn’t deleted me…..who is that girl on who posted on his page…..is it his ex…..ok it’s his mum….phew!!….hang on is that my mobile….was that a text or a missed call……if it’s a text do I reply??……hang on I best check the email…..oh, there is nothing there…..what about the IM……no nothing there…..maybe he tried to call me on skype….WHAT THE HECK….just give me a land line phone and do away with all this extra stuff.

    🙂 xx



  355.  #355Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 4:12 am

    FW

    No I have not yet listened to the soulmate summit but I have read the posts about it with interest and I was planning to find time this evening to sit and listen.

    You must have read my mind. 🙂 Thanks for the link.



  356.  #356LonePlum on February 20, 2011 at 4:17 am

    328 Daria

    He works on the concept “my father should encourage me” starting minute 49

    xxx



  357.  #357Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 4:19 am

    Amy Ahlers just said she literally bought a ring and married herself. She was in a love relationship with herself when she met her husband. She had sticky notes in her car saying “I love you. You are a Goddess”. She was already looking in the mirror telling herself “I love you”. She was 100% responsible for her happiness. Great comments.



  358.  #358Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 4:21 am

    WW Don’t wait you can go on while you are on line and listen. They take them down regularly. I am typing and listening at the same time.



  359.  #359Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 4:24 am

    FW

    I have been exercising but not so much as in going to the gym but just generally doing more things which are physically testing although I have been going on my treadmill.

    Instead I have been trying to do things which I really enjoy so I have increased the time I walk my dogs and that has been really good and also I have found dancing around to the “just dance” game on my son’s Wii has been great fun. We do the duets and it’s hilarious and also a really good work out. I have also been decorating which has been great for my arms. 🙂



  360.  #360Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 4:26 am

    FW re 358

    Thanks. I’ll listen now. xx



  361.  #361Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 4:28 am

    RE 359 I love the Wii dance games also but I find it really hard. Whenever the girls are on I do exercise with them, love it.



  362.  #362Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 4:40 am

    Alison Armstrong says men need women desperately for sex and attention. What it is you want to give to another person that if they value that you would feel fulfilled. If we feel unappreciated it is a signal that we did not find out what he wanted in the beginning. Often our past relationships are the source of most information. They will help us to identify what we wanted to be valued.



  363.  #363Lori on February 20, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Wonder Woman

    Re#354

    OMG you read my mind! Life was so much simpler when we didn’t have cell phones and facebook! I remember the days when a guy called you at home and left a message on your answering machine. You didn’t even know he had called until you got home from work and checked the machine. He didn’t know what you were doing and you didn’t know what he was doing when you weren’t with each other or talking to each other. If you called him back and got his machine, you assumed he wasn’t home and would call you back when he got home. There was no feeling of “he hasn’t answered my text in 5 minutes, what is he up to, is he mad at me, not interested etc.”

    This instant gratitude era has definitely put more pressure on dating. And being able to see what people are up to via Facebook etc is disease to relationships. I say sometimes ignorance really is bliss….



  364.  #364Luzydel on February 20, 2011 at 5:25 am

    The insecure Luzydel is telling me that I am not good enough to have a man close his profile, that other women are better than me, that he must be having a blast meeting tons of women, that I am an idiot to believe there’s actually a good man for me out there.

    I do not want to listen to the insecure Luzydel, she makes me do dumb things, like pushing men away, write the stupid emails, and become clingy.

    I have no time for her right now, I am going dancing but before I am making myself a nice breakfast and wash my hair and put some lotion on me.

    Insecure Luzydel needs to go away!!



  365.  #365Lori on February 20, 2011 at 5:47 am

    Luzydel,

    I am struggling with insecure Lori as well today. IntenseChemistryGuy DID close his profile Friday on the dating site where we met after we had a date Thursday, but he didn’t say anything about it and was on it A LOT right before that. He made it really clear to me that he was all about communicating upfront about his intentions to be exclusive, etc so that both people always know they’re on the same page. I have profiles on 2 other sites, so I feel certain that if he closed his profile for me, he would’ve asked me to close mine. He didn’t, he hasn’t asked me to be exclusive, AND I haven’t heard from him since Friday even though he generally calls me every day. I do know he’s traveling right now, but not out of the country like last time, so I wasn’t expecting him to not be able to call me as usual this time.

    Insecure Lori is wondering if he closed his profile for me or for someone else he met while he was going nuts on there. Insecure Lori is wondering why she hasn’t heard from him like she usually does even though it has only been one whole day and she doesn’t worry about other men when they only miss one day of contact.

    I want rockstar Lori to send insecure Lori away….



  366.  #366Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Random question on mirroring.

    If, online and elsewhere, we generally mirror the man’s actions . . if he takes 3 days to reply to our reply to his message, we then wait 3 days to reply again, etc . . .

    What about when, after a date, a man takes 2 weeks to get in touch again by email. Do I wait another 2 weeks to reply? I need to reply to ZenMan’s email from 3 days ago . . (saying he liked spending time with me, thought it best to take things slowly, though he was also tempted by the idea of a dirty weekend!).

    In the gap, I felt disconnected from him and that I would possibly not hear from him again . . and not too concerned about that . . also triggered by his admission of fairly heavy alcohol use . . .

    But, it feels very rude to wait 2 weeks to reply to quite a thoughtful and extensive email from him . . . haven’t replied so far cos I’m choosing my words . .

    Surely a 2 week wait is a bit weird in this case?



  367.  #367LeLe on February 20, 2011 at 6:01 am

    I am triggered. A guy has stepped up, willing to wait to meet me when and where I would feel comfortable. Why am I feeling triggered?

    He is an alpha male – takes charge, trys to fix. I know only I can “fix” myself.

    He talks about cuddling, snuggling. I like that, I want that but, also, I have been alone a long time, built a life with friends, and I need some alone time too. I know from traveling with family or friends that too much together time can be crazy making for me.

    I feel scared. Thoughts come up…. This guy could stick it out and be there. He had health problems. We are both 55. Few don’t at this age but his are a bit more than average. Could I handle this? We talk and laugh and flirt on the phone. A lot of the same values and likes. It feels good/easy talking with him but I know I am relaxed on the phone when sometimes I am not in person. He use to be a cop and can be persuasive. I see some of it and call him on it when I feel it.

    Why am I scared. He is persuing me on high alpha basis. He does speak openly with me and gives me room when I say “too much”. I have been much more comfortable with someone being less alpha and more careful. More careful feels like more respect. However, is that true? Or am I being triggered when someone is giving more?

    His photo is not showing an appealing element. I feel shallow for considering him visually but there does need to be something appealing for me. I love my shallow shadow needs.

    Perhaps I just need to relax because I don’t know enough. Keep my boundaries and remain open/curious. I feel scared. I want to run away. I want to push away this tight feeling. I feel angry. Why do I feel this way? Love is never freely given. Love was used as a barganing chip, a manipulation tool. I distrust. I love my distrust. It is OK. It is just trying to protect me but it does not see clearly through the lense of the past. My survival is no longer in the balance based on what someone else says to me or feels about me. I am loveable. I am beautiful. I can take care of myself no matter what. Things are scary now but I am no longer a child and take care of myself. Things will get better, things will be great; I just need to take it/make it slower and breath.



  368.  #368Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 6:02 am

    FW

    #320: Thank you, I very much appreciate your support and desire to save me from being hurt. Yes, I guess I was way too trusting with this man.

    I don’t think he is coming back. And even if he is, I am done with this. I don’t trust him.

    I did call him yesterday. Decided to be true to myself. I left a voicemail: Are you alright? Are you healthy, work is ok, your family is fine? I feel surprised not to hear from you in the last few days, but don’t want to be indifferent. Hope you’re well. Bye.

    I haven’t heard back. I didn’t say ‘let me know’ of course.
    His words about not checking on him last week when he was afraid to get sick for his trip did get to me. I felt bad about not doing it. Also, he was worried about a shipment of warm gloves for the trip and I didn’t ask if he got them or not.

    I am talking to a few new people from the dating site. This guy is in my past. Next time I will address issues as soon as I notice them and always put my feelings first. Hope I will notice this behavior if I see it again. I am not letting things slide – to the best of my ability.



  369.  #369Lori on February 20, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Lorelei,

    Waiting 2 weeks to reply to his email for the sake of following a mirroring rule feels like game playing to me. I personally would reply when and if I FELT like replying. That feels more authentic and siren like to me…

    This is also a great opportunity for some feeling messages about feeling disconnected from him when he doesn’t contact you for so long etc…



  370.  #370life_is_too_short_to... on February 20, 2011 at 7:02 am

    I have so much clarity this sunday morning, it’s a little overwhelming, because one very, very, important insight has actually become assimilated into the very fiber of my being — understanding this insight not just as a concept. I hesitate to say “not just intellectually”, because I believe that you cannot even have or be aware of feelings without “knowing”… and that is “intellectual”.

    I know exactly what to do now.

    I can’t get into it now, but I can tell you there are some very big changes brewing in my life… as we speak!!

    Very exciting!!

    xxooLiFe*



  371.  #371life_is_too_short_to... on February 20, 2011 at 7:07 am

    Dear LeLe,

    One of the summit speakers said

    “Love requires risk” or something along that

    At some point, we have to take a leap of faith.

    Also, it is a very rare person who goes into relationship not wanting to get anything at all out of it.

    I think that everyone who wants a relationship should spend a lot of time contemplating just why it is they want a relationship, for what purpose, and keep that mission statement in mind all the time.

    It helps with boundaries.

    What do YOU think?

    xxoo
    LiFe*



  372.  #372Lori on February 20, 2011 at 7:07 am

    Life,

    I feel so curious! I can’t wait to hear all about it!!!



  373.  #373life_is_too_short_to... on February 20, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Thanks, Lori!

    xxoo

    LiFe*



  374.  #374life_is_too_short_to... on February 20, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Bottom line, it is about really, truly, authentically, without a doubt taking care of me, in all ways, because I KNOW my self-worth. People may not like it, and get angry and abuse me and ostracize me for it, which is why I avoided it for so long (people pleaser tendency here), but I can’t do it any more. That is the source of anger and disappointment in myself. Can’t do it anymore, life is just too precious and brief to keep doing that.

    xxxoooLiFe*



  375.  #375Luzydel on February 20, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I just told insecure Luzydel that I will be fine regardless of the outcome. That it is ok to get hurt sometimes, that getting hurt is like getting the flu shot, it its at the beginning, but then you get stronger and healthier and immune.

    I put a nice red blouse to insecure Luzydel and told her to leave her curls, to wear some nice jeans and to go to ballroom dance class and dance, and feel like a girl.

    I understand insecure Luzydel, she has gotten hurt before and she wants to protect me.

    This quote from a children’s book came to my mind…

    “look if you like, but you must have to leap”

    I will be fine, with or without him 🙂



  376.  #376Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Blah. Just no luck with the CDs this weekend. Three dates planned, and two fell through.

    Shawn, of the Sean/Shaun/Shawns just called to cancel this afternoon’s lunch. He is still not over the death of his girlfriend 18 months ago.

    I tried to be gracious. Not sure I covered my disappointment well, but I tried.

    Sigh. Back to the dating sites. Try try again. KEEP trying.



  377.  #377Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 8:25 am

    @340: Luzydel says:

    “..I want a relationship so bad that I forgot to read the small print…”

    Wise words. I must keep this in mind.

    xoxo
    SLV



  378.  #378Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 8:26 am

    It’s so quiet here today;)

    Boomer,

    It’s tough, I know, but this is the only way – to KEEP TRYING



  379.  #379Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 8:32 am

    SLV,

    You don’t think that my voicemail in #368 wasn’t very warm?



  380.  #380Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 8:33 am

    @357: Femininewoman says:
    “…Amy Ahlers just said she literally bought a ring and married herself…”

    I was thinking of doing that! I didn’t even get to the tape last night, I was distracted.

    xoxo
    SLV



  381.  #381Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Why is potential CD ItalianBlueEyedGuy texting me repeatedly with his son’s swim meet times?

    “1000 Fly – added 5 seconds – 5th seed in finals.”

    I am getting about six of these a day since Friday. I am responding to half of them with just a smilie or a “Yay him!”

    We have not even met. I fear he is an insta-relationahip guy. This is the one who still lives in the house with his ex-wife because they cannot sell it.

    Should I just feel good that he is including me? Can I admit (to myself at least) that it feels weird to get the blow-by-blow of the swimming achievements of the kid of a man I hardly know?



  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 8:37 am

    @379: Alonka says:
    “…SLV,
    You don’t think that my voicemail in #368 wasn’t very warm?…”

    It was warm enough.

    xoxo
    SLV



  383.  #383Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 8:55 am

    @366: Lorelei says:

    “…Surely a 2 week wait is a bit weird in this case?…”

    This is just me, nothing Rori or anyone else as far as I know. I consider anything a week or longer as a “cleanse” and start all over again in the message/text/call department. It just seems to make sense.

    xoxo
    SLV



  384.  #384Pamelala on February 20, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Lorelei –

    A two week mirror seems kind of extreme. How I interpretted SLV is that after the ‘cleanse’ period, he contacted you. So, you might just want to treat it as if it were a new relationship and he just contacted you for the first time and respond whenever you’d like. If you want to mirror, you can mirror the length and emotion of his e-mail.

    Pam



  385.  #385Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Daria re 299..

    OMG – she peed in your car! What??

    Seriously??

    Did she offer to clean it up?

    Apaart from that my thoughts reading the post are sometimes people just stuck in a negative place.

    Sometimes they just want you to be there while they cry and work through it.

    But if it all the time, and totally drains you, then you might want to think about limiting your exposure to this person.

    I think what you propose saying could be good to shift the pattern, however she may react negatively.

    But that is her issue. As long as it is said with love and kindness…



  386.  #386Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:12 am

    I am drinking ginger tea 🙂



  387.  #387Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Ok, having FB IM convo with this guy I like…

    We have been flirting via IM all the time I’ve been recovering.

    Well today he just asked when I am heading back to work and more interestly when am I next heading to the town where he lives. I have friends there that is how we know each other.

    I said I had no special plans to go there.

    He said ‘alas’ and I just put a sad face.

    He said ‘concur.’

    Now convo has stopped. It is my ‘turn’ if you like but he hasn’t asked me a Q and I don’t know what to say.

    I guess it is leaning forward to ask if he ever visits my town?

    Shall I just lean back and stay quiet?

    What is the plan for this kinda situation?



  388.  #388Pamelala on February 20, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Ella,

    You could just say, “Well, at least we’re on the same page…tragic as it is.” or something like that.



  389.  #389Pamelala on February 20, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Or, in an FM..

    “Well, I feel some solace that we’re, at least, on the same page….tragic as it is.”



  390.  #390Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Alonka

    Re 368

    You are being in ‘boy’ mode.

    Is this what you want to do?

    Just curious…



  391.  #391Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Thanks Pamelala.

    You inspired me and I went with ‘I concur too’

    🙂



  392.  #392Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Ella,

    I’d stay quiet or say something about myself. Like ‘looking at flowers on my window – beautiful this morning’. doesnt matter what;)



  393.  #393Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Ella

    #390. I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since he was in Canada. I don’t even know if his plane landed! What if he got fired? I don’t want him to sit there alone. What if his parents are not well? I do care about him. I waited for 5 days. I don’t want ‘to make him’ talk to me, but I offered and showed that it’s important to me.

    I think now that maybe he just met someone else in the past week and that’s why he is hiding. At most in a week he will send a good bye email. Or not even that. Isn’t it what they do in your experience?



  394.  #394Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Boomer, swim meet guy sounds like my former CD who is coming to work on my computer in 2 hrs. I feel nervous about it bc he still really likes me. He was sooo Instant Relationshp that he actually started making plans for us to get married after one date. and he was still in the same house with “estranged wife”!



  395.  #395Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Ok he is leaving IM now (damn I was just about to leave first! Lol)

    He said ‘Holla when u r next in my town and I will continue in my endeavours to seduce you! ;-)’

    I said ‘that feels great and I live in Heathfield! ;-)’



  396.  #396Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 9:50 am

    slv, fw. there was a lifetime movie about a woman who married herself with lots of publicity over the point she was making. i thought it was weird and in the end i think she realized it was really a form of running from her true heart. as for me, i would marry myself, but i prefer having a male spouse. 😉



  397.  #397Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Ha ha… he just asked for my number!

    🙂

    And I got other CD texting me too… they both contacted at exactly the same time! Weird.



  398.  #398Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Ella.

    #395 – love your response;)



  399.  #399Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Ha ha… I’m smiling so much…

    I gave him my number and he joked that was easy!

    I did a 😛 face and said that I coulda made him work but that comes later…

    He said he is intrigued.

    I said good cus intrigued is fun!
    And then said goodbye and came off IM.

    I feel really happy, flirty and Sireny!

    Yay for me… even when I am not at 100% Siren vibe.



  400.  #400Brenda on February 20, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Lorelei,

    RE: #366 – You said, “If, online and elsewhere, we generally mirror the man’s actions . . if he takes 3 days to reply to our reply to his message, we then wait 3 days to reply again, etc . . .

    What about when, after a date, a man takes 2 weeks to get in touch again by email. Do I wait another 2 weeks to reply?”

    No, my understanding is if we wait because he waited, that is game-playing. Our intention is to be an invitation. The man may have insecurities, or what-have-you. I don’t delay when a man contacts me unless I can’t take the call at that moment for a valid reason. What do you think?



  401.  #401Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Oh shoot I didn’t mean to put where I actually live!

    I got over excited.

    Can I delete posts?



  402.  #402Darling Ella on February 20, 2011 at 9:58 am

    This morning I listened to one of the Summits courses…One statement stood to me…it was indeed my message:

    when truth is withheld between two people…we end up subconsciously project the negative feelings we hold ab it onto the other person…

    Yep…very revealing…



  403.  #403Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 10:06 am

    LiFe, i feel interested in what’s happening for you. All my life I wanted sooo much to please people but I also felt a stronger need to follow my heart. So I’ve always followed my heart to ppl’s dismay, and I’ve felt guilt and discomfort and rejection for not being what they want me to be. It’s hard. My heart motto has been “I am who I am, and I have a need to be.” My sister has a surprisingly similar motto with an attractive (to me) twist: “I am who I am and I don’t give a damn.”



  404.  #404Darling Ella on February 20, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Lucy:

    Very interesting…I have had similar reflection last nite and this morning…and here is what I received this morning from

    “Higher Awareness”

    Labels limit us

    “When I let go of what I am,
    I become what I might be.”

    — Lao Tzu

    How do you define yourself, to yourself and others? Are you first and foremost a husband/wife? A mother/father? A bus driver, dentist, musician … ? A Christian, Muslim, Jew …? A nag, joker, dreamer …?

    Be aware that any label puts limits on you. Today, experience how it feels to let go of the labels to rest in ‘I am.’ Feel the freedom, the spaciousness, the infinite potential of simply being.

    “With every breath, the possibility of a new aspect of self arises.”

    — Wayne Muller

    “As long as I am this or that, I am not all things.”

    — Meister Eckhart

    Warm hugs,



  405.  #405Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 10:15 am

    This internal conflict comes up for me on the blog with Daria (hi Daria). I want to please Daria and do what she wants me to do bc it would feel good to be approved of by her. Recently I even considered asking her for a step by step list of exactly what she wants me to do and I would do it to earn her approval and admiration and make her happy. But I know I have to be true to my heart, my inner guidance, my process. The few times I’ve given into that pressure, I have abandoned myself and lost my way.



  406.  #406Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 10:28 am

    That’s cool DE. The funny thing is, part of my stuck feeling right now is being aware of an Absence of labels for myself. I am who I am – as in, I just Am. I had a strong identity as a mother and wife years ago, but my kids are almost grown and I am going thru a divorce. I also had an identity as a writer but it’s been years since I’ve been published and I’ve kinda let go of that label as well. This is interesting… maybe a lot of my stuckness is indeed related to my process of shedding all self-labels.



  407.  #407Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 10:32 am

    It’s Not “I am who I am and I’m not gonna change.” It’s “I am who I am and I have a need to be – even if who I am changes like the wind or seems inconsistent or contradictory or enigmatic… ever-changing and growing.”



  408.  #408cateyes3 on February 20, 2011 at 10:38 am

    I’m feeling very alone, anxious, and sad this afternoon. I’m not sure if it’s just because of PMS, lack of a good night’s sleep, or what but I’m feeling very on edge today.

    I know that the loneliness is temporary but, I haven’t been in anything serious for the last two years. Largely because I knew I needed to heal myself from the sudden passing of my husband and that a guy (any guy) wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m an emotional mess.

    I did get an email from a guy on match.com (yippie!) today so maybe that’s what’s making me nervous?!?! Any suggestions?



  409.  #409Lucy on February 20, 2011 at 10:43 am

    LiFe. re: mission statement for why you want a relationship. For me, mostly for sex, adventure, fun, love and companionship. Curious how other sirens would answer this.



  410.  #410kaitlyn on February 20, 2011 at 10:49 am

    I hate replaying how I messed up. I hate how it’s been over 2 weeks of no contact.

    Pre-Paris, I mulled it over and over in my head if I should go on that trip. I told my guy, finally, when I decided yes. That was his first notification from me that the trip even existed and that I was going. Naturally, he was floored. I remembering his voice wavering. Half from anger and shock. Half like he was going to cry.

    He said it really bothered him that I didn’t discuss it with him first. In reality, I didn’t because if we’d both discussed it and I decided not to go, what if he’d harbor resentment twds me for even considering going?

    I never really told him this. I just got haughty and said, “Yeah, like I can just call you and say ‘hey, I’m considering going on some huge hooker gig. What do you think?’ ”

    I’m so close to sending him an apology letter though by RR/Siren Island knowledge, that would be counter productive and turn him off further.



  411.  #411cateyes3 on February 20, 2011 at 10:54 am

    LiFe. re: mission statement for why you want a relationship.

    For me, it’s for feeling of togetherness, wanting to go through life’s ups and downs and being stronger together than apart. Of course, there’s the physical aspect of a relationship as well and that has it’s own perks… hee hee!



  412.  #412Ella on February 20, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Btw

    re IM convo with that guy (I’m gonna call him Mr Cute) I did loads of FMs earlier in conversation.

    He is the first guy who has noticed and commented on my FMs…

    He called it my feelometer!

    xoxoxox



  413.  #413Ella on February 20, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Alonka re 393…

    What if, what if, what if…

    But is he thinking of you?

    The phone goes both ways.
    He’s a big boy right. He can always call you if something is up.

    Regarding do they normally send a goodbye e-mail.
    In my experience. NO they don’t.

    I know you say you are re-focusing and that is great. Doesn’t look like it is actually happening yet.
    That is fine, it takes as long as it takes for you to re-focus and shift your energy.

    It took me a while with Mr B.

    How about start by touching in with your feelings?

    How are you feeling?

    xoxoxox



  414.  #414Ella on February 20, 2011 at 11:17 am

    So far no sugar today.

    Just wholesome healthy food.

    Porridge and nuts for breakfast. Lots of water and ginger tea.

    Just one cup of ordinary tea.

    And for dinner a homemade lasagne with quorn mince and extra veg including lovely spinach.

    I reckon there might be some sugar in the lasagne sheets, but I can’t do anything about that.

    I am going to check on the ingredients list.



  415.  #415Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Kaitlyn

    #410: you already told him how you feel and that you are sorry, right? Why not to let it sink. 2 weeks is not a long time at all.



  416.  #416Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I so need to cut out sugar. Really good reminders here Ella and others. Have eaten far too much this week, as a way of managing stress, or feeding it?!

    No more chocolate cakes . . hmm. ..



  417.  #417Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Ella @ 412

    I’m liking the guy who noticed your feelometer!!!



  418.  #418Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Brenda @ 400

    Thanks for commenting, and yes, I agree. I don’t want to play games . . so I sent a reply today – after 4 days choosing my words to express my feelings!



  419.  #419patti on February 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

    any advise on how to “deflect” when someone is blaming you. without the uh-uh answer and without having to disprove it
    I actually started to take it on as guilt, then told my self 300 times that its his crap not mine
    but i would appreciate any help or what works for u.



  420.  #420Lenna on February 20, 2011 at 11:35 am

    There is a guy I need to completely let go of! I have tried at least 3 times since October. We just keep ending up back in bed. Yes, we have an awesome connection in the bedroom, but we were friends for six months before the bedroom. He has a girlfriend. We than keep saying we are just going to be friends. It does not work…my fault and his. Now I realize, I need to just shut the door….no more friends. We work together also. My first sexual relationship since my husband passed away 3 years ago. I believe that is part of the emotions. I am proud of myself, because I expressed my feelings, and was vulnerable to him. I feel like I have been a Siren and a Rock Star. Now though I am changing my work location, we will be in the same city but different buildings and I am trying to move on. I have started marking on a calendar the number of days I can go without contacting him. He will come up and talk to me at work…One time I told him to go away he was hurting me…that lasted a few weeks. Leaving the building is easier than not making eye contact and the awkwardness that occurs. Give me strength to let this guy out of my life. He is toxic for me. It hurts. I do have a date next friday….I am trying.



  421.  #421Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:36 am

    @ 369 – Hi Lori

    Thanks for your thoughts on mirroring and when to reply to emails.

    I sent a reply to ZenMan’s email today, and here it is.

    Too late, Sirens, to suggest amendments!! This is what felt right to me!!

    “I would feel easier talking about these things face to face than in an email, but we do seem to get on and have a great time together! For me, it often feels disconnected in the gaps in between though.

    Mmm, it does sound tempting (and flattering) to suggest a dirty weekend! Especially in Italy! But, for me, it is not the answer, not at the moment, anyway. I don’t want to rush off to Italy with someone I would need to know rather better first, and I would feel uncomfortable doing this unless I also found myself in a steady/committed relationship. I need to take things slowly at the moment, but I would enjoy getting to know you better.”



  422.  #422Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Ella

    feelometer is GREAT!!

    As to the way I feel, it’s one minute confident and next insecure and shocked;) Last hour was more confident than not.

    Really, with the guys I was seeing they normally felt obligated to say something. But I did not have this disappearing thing before. Anyway, it’s gone, it’s over. I feel still shaky about thinking of other guys, but I know that tomorrow it will be easier.



  423.  #423Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 11:38 am

    he just called and broke up with me



  424.  #424Lenna on February 20, 2011 at 11:44 am

    To: cateyes?

    I am a widow of 3 years on February 5th. The journey you are on is difficult, scary, sad, emotional and exciting. I started dating about a year ago and while I don’t regret starting to date sometimes I want to go hide. What has amazed me is the number of married men, and men with girlfriends who have hit on me. Go slow….try to put yourself first…not always easy for us woman. I can say…..I am growing and changing so fast. For example, I have just realized I am a very spontaneous person. For the past 24 years I raised kids and took care of a husband. I had forgotten the free-spirited part of me. It is kind of fun finding that woman and I do not want to lose that part of myself again…in any relationship. You say you feel lonely and sad….if you really think about it….even in a marriage or a relationship there are days you feel sad and lonely…everyone has days where they feel alone and sad whether you have someone or not..



  425.  #425Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:45 am

    cateye @ 408

    “I’m feeling very alone, anxious, and sad this afternoon . . . I know that the loneliness is temporary . . .I needed to heal myself from the sudden passing of my husband . . . I did get an email from a guy on match.com (yippie!) today so maybe that’s what’s making me nervous?!?! ”

    I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so low . . . and it sounds as if you have been looking after yourself, letting yourself heal after your husband’s passing . . . it must be very hard at times still.

    But I am glad to hear that you feel ready to be on Match and that there is a little ripple of nervousness and excitement as a guy has contacted you. Yippee indeed!

    Maybe the main thing is not to try to answer the question about why we feel the way we do, but to go into the feelings, really feel them, see if they have a message for us, even if it is just to honour them by feeling and acknowledging them.

    Just wondering . . . and I may be completely off here, but is there any guilt in these confusing feelings about starting to date again?

    Hugs to you.



  426.  #426Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

    @396: Lucy says:

    “… i would marry myself, but i prefer having a male spouse…”

    I’m probably already married to myself… 😀 Sweetie will be my second mate. hahaha

    xoxo
    SLV



  427.  #427Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 11:50 am

    383, 384 SLV & Pamelala

    Thanks for your thoughts . . and I agree! ZenMan leaves long gaps, but keeps coming back!



  428.  #428patti on February 20, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    If I just leave the room is that enough?..or do I need to tell him why im leaving the room?



  429.  #429Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Hi Boomer @ 381

    “Why is potential CD ItalianBlueEyedGuy texting me repeatedly with his son’s swim meet times?

    Should I just feel good that he is including me? Can I admit (to myself at least) that it feels weird to get the blow-by-blow of the swimming achievements of the kid of a man I hardly know?”

    This feels a bit weird to me as well.

    It feels a bit weird because it presumes a kind of intimacy prematurely. And why would it be of interest to you at this stage? It’s almost as if he has little sense of boundaries and proprieties at the very beginning of getting to know someone- this is the kind of stuff a man would text to the mother, not a new female contact.

    You could well be right about him wanting instant relationship. I had one (TeaMan) who was ready to get into quite a heavy relationship while still living ‘separated’ with his life. I’m beginning to wonder if men in this situation seek relationships quickly to help them get out quickly, to provide a sense that they are getting out. And sometimes the marital relationship is not as ‘over’ as the man claims.

    But never mind him, what about you and your feelings?

    You could just turn your phone off, or not reply for a while.

    Or “I sense that how he does in swimming is very important to you. I have to go off-air now. It feels good connecting with you.”

    I, personally, would hesitate to send (because it sounds a bit critical or challenging):
    “I feel really weird/bored/irritated/whatever hearing the swimming results of a child I do not know, but I sense it is very important to you. I feel a bit left out of the conversation.”

    I would feel a bit turned-off at the bombardment. Maybe . . he’s accidentally pressing the wrong button and thinks he’s sending them to his wife . . .!!!!



  430.  #430kaitlyn on February 20, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Alonka,

    sorry that happened to you. he sucks.



  431.  #431Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Patti @ 428

    Just breathe in deeply, all the way into your pelvis, drop your shoulders, stand up and calmly walk out of the room. Sirens do not have to explain. Sirens do not have to ask permission. Sirens do not have to seek approval.

    If he notices or asks why, say “I just feel like /need a bit of me-time / space / whatever you naturally would say.”

    Then go and get involved in something else – phone a friend, rearrange your clothes, clear out a closet, put on some music perhaps with headphones, do some exercising, do some exercising to music, paint your nails, read, tend to a plant, pet the pet . . . go for a walk or a drive . . take yourself out for a coffee. Do something that gets you focussed on something else.

    I got so much out of Rori’s Toxic Men programme . . . having been following your posts, i sense you would too . . .



  432.  #432Nancy on February 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    SS, just posted to you on last thread. 🙂



  433.  #433Senior Lady Vibe on February 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    @410: kaitlyn says:
    “… that would be counter productive and turn him off further…”

    Yes, I think I would. I know it’s hard…

    xoxo
    SLV



  434.  #434cateyes3 on February 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Lorelei,

    I’m trying to feel my feeling and sometimes, it gets overwhelming. I’ve done that for the last 2 years.

    I know that I am better and stronger from it, I’m also very tired from the emotions and just wish it would all stop.

    I know running away from everything wouldn’t solve anything but rather make things worse. The biggest hurdle I have is just to stop and be. I’m constantly on the go with my children and it’s starting to wear me rather thin.

    I don’t have any guilt about dating again (at least I don’t think so… will have to explore that one in depth). I think it has to do with the fear of loosing again.

    Thoughts?



  435.  #435Ella on February 20, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Alonka,

    Oh hon… r u ok?

    xoxoxo



  436.  #436cateyes3 on February 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Lenna,

    Very well said! Everyone does have down times whether they’re in a relationship or not…

    I actually felt a lot better after I posted that on here. Just acknowledging it, accepting it for what it is and then letting it go helps….

    Very thankful for this site…. 🙂



  437.  #437Ella on February 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Patti re 419

    I have heard Rori suggest you can say something like ‘I am happy to hear your anger but I will not have it directed at me’ and then leave.

    No arguing, no raised voice… just leave.

    Hope that helps.



  438.  #438Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Alonka, I’m sorry. I know you must be in pain. I’m thinking about you.



  439.  #439Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Lorelei, thanks for the input on the swimmer kid’s dad. Yeah, I’m just not comfortable with his assumption that I care about his kid after a week of emails and a couple of phone calls. Maybe he’s sending it to lots of people and I’m on a distribution list (if that’s a list of all the other women he’s wooing…ewwww!).

    Considering the Debbie Downer day I’m having (canceled on twice this weekend and stood up once), I suppose a tiny part of me at leat appreciates the attention.

    Today, I am feeling very “meh.”



  440.  #440Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    I feel guilty but also a sense of indulgent pleasure for skipping yoga and instead having pizza and chicken wings delivered to my door.

    My kids get back at 6:00, so I have only a few hours left to myself. I am going to indulge.

    I feel guiltily indulgent!



  441.  #441Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Boomer @ 429

    I meant living with his wife, not his life!!



  442.  #442Nancy on February 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Hiya, Sirens.

    Just popping in for a moment to say hello. SLV, Pamelala, thank you for your good wishes and sweet words (I don’t want to leave anyone out and so apologize if I missed a post). I feel so amazed. I mean, it’s just incredible. One day, 2 weeks ago, I was still licking my wounds from my relationship with Mr. Carrot and wondering if I’d ever really find my real love. 15 days later, I’m moving full speed ahead in a REAL relationship. He is doing everything. And until he met me, he was convinced he’d never marry again because of all the pain from his past relationships. And BAM – here we are, totally in love and engaged, with an amazing level of compatibility and kindred spirit feelings and plans to marry within the next month or two.
    Some of you will think me reckless and maybe even insane, but he proposed 6 days after our first date. We got out a calendar and picked a date the following day. I didn’t even have time to think about whether to sleep with him before a proposal! Everything is just taking care of itself. He tells me 15 times a day that I am the one, that he loves me more than anything, that he can’t live without me, that he’s looked for me his whole adult life, that he wants to take care of me, that he wants me to have a big “rock” so that I can look down at my finger each day and know that that is who he is to me… my rock.

    I know that if one of you were announcing this news and I was reading it, I would want to know exactly what you thought lead you to this wonderful place in your love life… ‘how did she DO that?!’ LOL
    So, in a nut shell… I had committed to myself – I would either live a fairytale or live only with myself. I can’t overstate how important and instrumental using RR’s tools, having the support I found here on Siren Island and following “The List” were in getting me here. And the only thing I know other than that is… If I can experience this, you can experience this!!!
    I feel happier than I have ever, ever felt before.

    xoxoxooxox
    Nancy



  443.  #443Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Cateyes3 @ 434

    You are doing brilliantly at feeling the feelings, which I guess are often overwhelming. . . great stuff, and necessary.

    I don’t know, but something from my own situation. I’m separated and going through a divorce, and often feeling very bad/angry/sad at the moment. Feeling it as much as I can.

    But, I am scared at getting stuck there, and I can’t walk around like that all day – I have things to do, and so do you?

    So I deliberately do things that literally produce happiness for me, even if it doesn’t last for days on end. For me, it is going to salsa classes – i feel happy and alive while I’m doing it. The advantage of going out to a class, is that the activity is kind of scheduled for me, even though it’s voluntary to go. But it’s not something I have to find the energy to make happen. I just have to turn up. It’s a kind of safety valve on getting too stuck in the bad feelings.

    It might be something completely different for you, and would need scheduling around your commitments. But what would it be ? Maybe you already have something. Something that literally and physically gets you out of your head and into your body, and it’s ability to make you feel good. Perhaps there is a friend you could schedule time with? A class to go to? Something silly and fun? I’ve also found that light CD dates are a great mood enhancer. I’ve been very lucky and not had any real shockers (though a few mildly repulsive!!) But the whole process gets me out of being an emotional mess – dressing carefully, doing some Rori tools to prepare, the whole vibe of here is a stranger who wants to meet – why is he here? What is his message for me? (At the moment, mostly their messages are that I, like them, am not quite ready yet for a big exclusive relationship, that I am still hesitant and a little unavailable for that . . but that’s OK – and there is no chance yet of being in anything where there is a fear of losing again . . and practicing is fun!).

    On fearing losing again – again I feel for you, and I have times when I think I cannot risk all this hurt again. And the practice dates that I’m having bring me men who might be in this situation as well . . . so there is no rush. Which I feel good about. I feel very good about that. It’s a gentle way to become a Siren, in ‘live’ situations with men.



  444.  #444Brenda on February 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Patti,

    RE: #419 – You said, “any advise on how to “deflect” when someone is blaming you. without the uh-uh answer and without having to disprove it”

    “This feels bad. I don’t like to be blamed and made wrong. What do you think?”



  445.  #445Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Everyone here tried to stop me soo hard from calling.. thank you. It’s a tough lesson

    He said exactly what Ella was telling me was going on. He said that he stayed alone and was thinking where our relationship was going and he didn’t have the answer to this question. He didn’t know if it’s a yes or a no. And he knows that in this situation many people would drag it along for a little while, but he decided it’s not fair. And he didn’t want to tell me over the email, he decided to talk directly. He was talking for a while. I had no good thing to say in return. Tried to stop him, say thank you, all the best, enjoy your weekend, but he didn’t let me. Kept on taking. Started saying that he wanted to show me respect and love that he has for me, he is trying to be fair to me. And it happened to him when people told him they didn’t know where it’s going. I said: thanks for everything, please don’t think for me, I know what I want and what I don’t want , bye. He: I’m not trying to think for you, I know you are very smart, etc. – I couldn’t get rid of him!!! Only when he was done, wished me best of luck he let me off the phone. I felt that by that time he lost any remaining interest.

    I’m such a foolish fool for calling. It was one of those situations when if they’re in doubt the only smart thing to do is NOT to push



  446.  #446Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Just for the future – does anyone has any smart thing to say when they brake up with you?? I just tried to make it short – thank you, bye, but there was no one thought on my mind and no feeling message handy.



  447.  #447Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Please someone say something;) Maybe it’s not even true what he was saying. Maybe he is already dating another woman.. If he didn’t have anyone for 2 weeks, he could at least see me again and decide later, no?



  448.  #448patti on February 20, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Thanx ladies for yur comments and pointers:)
    A week ago it woulda been world war 3 in my home..
    I am learning alot from ya’ll and appreciate the feedback.
    I feel happy and fortunate to know this safe place to come when things overwhelm me.
    Now off to work , enjoy your evening



  449.  #449Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Ok, deleted him from my cell. New life!



  450.  #450Lorelei on February 20, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Alonka – sometimes, no matter what others advise us, it’s like we have to do what we want to do anyway, just to find out what happens when we do. It’s a valid part of the learning process. And maybe learning through our own experience is the only thing we really learn from . . . so please don’t feel bad for experimenting with what you wanted to do (leaning forward) with this man. I’ve been quietly agreeing with the other voices on here. Many of us are good at seeing what others should do, not always so good yet at taking our own advice when we are all emotionally tied up . . .



  451.  #451Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Lorelei – thanks. I will try to be smarter next time.

    Kaytlin – I hope I gave you a good live example of what NOT to do!



  452.  #452Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    This guy had a lot of 2-month relationships. I fell into the same pattern. I did read the book ‘Men Who Can’t Love a while ago – I did notice some of the things were/felt similar to what the book describes and still wasn’t smart enough to fight it;) Maybe not that smart after all!



  453.  #453Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Why would he talk me to death when I already told him I got it??



  454.  #454Sammie on February 20, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Alonka,

    He probably felt guilty for breaking things off and didn’t want to hurt you.

    Do you know Siren Nancy’s story? It sounds like she learned lots here and put it to good use! (Yeah for you, Nancy!)

    Hugs to you, Alonka!!!

    Sammie



  455.  #455Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    I think the tough part was to check my cell 10 times a day after he was supposed to get back from his trip. I was so sure we are going out to dinner.

    Anyone got any advice on ‘the last conversation’? Anything to say when they break up with you? I forgot everything. Could say ‘I’m confused’ thing, but didn’t think of it



  456.  #456Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Sammie,

    Thanks. So maybe his ‘doubts’ weren’t really doubts. He just was introduced to someone else – something felt off after that party where he refused to take me – tried things with her and decided to go on with it.

    I don’t know Nancy’s story, except that she got engaged these days I think?



  457.  #457Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    The worst part is that I already decided yesterday that he treated me poorly and I was not going to contact him. And then remembered how warm he was and felt that I can’t be that tough on him and called..



  458.  #458Pamelala on February 20, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Alonka,

    I’m so sorry. It’s not fruitful to try to figure out what’s going on in his head. Just know that the rest of your life, your happy ever after, is waiting for you.

    Take care of youself. (HUGS)

    Pam



  459.  #459Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    I hate to say it but you were all right. And I felt much worse after I called than before.



  460.  #460Pamelala on February 20, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Alonka, I’m one of those who always has to learn the lesson the hard way. Like I said last night, when we were talking about life themes, “the rules don’t apply to me cuz I’m special.” Don’t know if you struggle with that, too, but I’m trying to change it because it hurts too much!



  461.  #461Lori C on February 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    @Alonka,

    And, now you know. One of the things that I know I can get caught up in, is what is he doing and trying to figure out why because of not believing what he is saying. It doesn’t matter if he met someone new, none of that matters.

    If he isn’t in front of you, he isn’t real.

    I am learning and sincerely hope you do not take offense. But, being someone who very recently had the knife twisted deep. I am here to ask you to feel your feelings, cry your tears, love yourself and take care of yourself. Anger is legitimate, feel it but love yourself. Do not ask yourself “what you did wrong,” you didn’t. It is his.

    I have found too, very fresh albeit, that I am happy he did me this favor and showed me who he is now rather than down the road. He was a lesson and I learned, from him, how to trust again. Hard to believe but I did. Allowing myself to feel all my feelings, showed me that I am able and willing to allow someone in, to see all of me and I will be forever grateful to M for that. And then, I let him go, with much love. I do not know what will happen going forward but I feel happy to have gotten this far.

    This is the first time that I have ever allowed myself to examine how I really feel, didn’t stuff it down as has been my habit and really opened myself up to looking at all the garbage I was carrying.

    I feel sorry for your hurt, Alonka, but I know that you will be fine. Please honor yourself.



  462.  #462Eternity on February 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    367 LeLe

    Thank you for your question. I’m looking forward to seeing the Sirens replies as I feel similar on pretty much all you have said.



  463.  #463Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    RE 449 Best thing to do to stop yourself. read Gay Hendricks The Big Leap, you can get it in the library. The 2 month might be his wall. Many people are afraid of intimacy and freak out when we are faced with it. He will do the same 2 month serial monogamy thing with the next girl. That is his programming that he is playing in his life. Only he can change it by choosing to change it. It is not about you do not beat up yourself about it. You chose your process and you lived it out.

    Why would he talk you to death? IMHO to try to ease his own guilt. He must have wanted you to get mad with him so he could get some justification for the break up but you obviously handled it with feminine grace. I would have responded the same way. Stay warm, open and gracious. Thank you was fine in my book. Plus the bonus is you did not burn the bridge. Should he come back I would invite him back. I would use him for practicing what I want and don’t want in my life. He was just one of the snacks Rori spoke about in a previous article, not your main meal. Even if he is your main meal, it is not quite prepared as yet. You need to work on yourself and he needs to work on himself. In a couple of weeks curiousty might get the best of him because you did not do the normal psycho girl thing in this common situation. He might check back to see if you are okay and I am sure you will have an awesome life to fill him on.

    Focus on healing yourself now. Practice the tools on the dates that you are now doing to find out more about yourself and what you want. John Gray says one of the stages of dating people go through doubts. That is where if I am not mistaken power struggles take place. If he comes back it will be time to start “a new relationship”. Don’t dismiss him/it because that is how some people’s relationship process works. Work on yourself to make whoever you are with feel safe. If he comes back he will feel off balance and you will be able to be a RockStar Siren.



  464.  #464Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Pam

    #460: yes, you maybe right about this. If not ‘I’m special’ then ‘my situation is special’. Or ‘there’s no rule that apply to every situation’.

    I know Rori has some material on how to turn around the last conversation, but I didn’t remember what to say at all……



  465.  #465Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    RE 461 Sweet Lori C that was a blessing to read. I am sure your soulmate is on the way.



  466.  #466Eternity on February 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    381 Boomer

    Getting texts of his kid’s swim meet times constantly would feel weird and annoying to me if I hadn’t even met the guy.

    To me, it would feel like spaming my phone. I don’t want a deluge of irrelevant information that I use up my valuable goddess spare time to read.



  467.  #467Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    RE 459 Alonka I believe most of us are older than you are so in my book that’s fine. Now you know for your next time around. Keep your heart open you don’t want to build walls despite the experience. he is going through his process and you are going through your process.

    I would advice you not to bad mouth him and rehash it with all your friends. Choose one girlfriend if you must talk but don’t do a post mortem with everyone as that will keep you stuck. You want to continue living your fabulous and heal the scars as soon as you can. Easier said than done, I know.



  468.  #468Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    RE 452 Alonka is a smart girl, Alonka is a smart girl, Alonka is a smart girl.

    I believe romantic relationships are about feelings not smarts. If you use your smarts to try and navigate them you could smash and burn. Use your feelings “how do I feel when I am with this man” “what is my heart telling me” “do I feel safe with this man” “will my emotions be safe with this man”? Feelings, feelings, feelings, pay attention to your feelings, your heart? Smarts is your brain. The relationship failed, not you. Relationships fail all the time. You get to know what you want when you can identify what you don’t want.



  469.  #469Eternity on February 20, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    423 Alonka

    I’m sorry to hear that he broke up with you. Thinking of you.



  470.  #470Lori on February 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    OMG NANCY!!!!

    I FEEL SO HAPPY AND EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!



  471.  #471Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Lori C,

    I am so glad you are healing, I remember being very sad when I read your story. And I didn’t have much respect for your guy, sorry. And I don’t have sisters, but I stay far away from women like the one you described. I truly believe that they are the worst that you can run into. Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your family.

    Thank you very much for your warm advice and support. I will try to ‘feel it out’ 😉 Though most of it now is humiliation.



  472.  #472Eternity on February 20, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Actually Mr RealEstate Guy threw me a curve ball at the end of the CD which I’ve just remembered. He said “You know there are a lot of married men on RSVP (Aust. dating site). So keep in touch.

    I managed a feeble and confused ‘ok’ before parting. But I’m in no way calling him.

    What’s that all about? I feel extra guarded now.



  473.  #473Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    FW

    #463: Thank you so much again. These are all excellent advices and I felt much better when I read your post. Yes, I forget what I myself thought even yesterday that it’s me a little, but mostly it’s him. I felt so safe with him at the beginning that I let later things slide. But he knew what he was doing and where it was going, just I didn’t.

    #467: I NEVER talk about guys I was with to friends. I have one close gfriend (who lives in Seattle) and I talk to her. Some gfriends even call me secretive and say they can’t trust me because I never answer their questions about guys (I didn’t have many!) But I will have to say something to them, I manage to introduce him to them.. another humiliation.



  474.  #474Darling Ella on February 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Alonka:

    A big warm hug to u…:( It feels awful indeed when someone breaks off with u…

    I had only one guy break off with me about 2 years ago …3 times in a 2 months period…it was hilarious now that i think ab it , although at the time i saw no humor in it…

    He was however a great messenger to me at the time…yet, i chose to ignore the message…which got me very quickly into a “imaginary” relationship since with someone who “quickly” wanted to claim me and said all the right things i wanted to hear at the time…which was to fill an empty/void within me…not good…:(

    Anyway, I feel grateful for u that he didn’t drag the relationship with u far longer…I think this is far better than an “imaginary” relationship…

    I feel happy for u to be on this forum and receive encouragement and lots of words of wisdom.

    Warm hugs,



  475.  #475Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    FW

    #468 I remember feeling stronger yesterday before I picked up the phone and called. It was a feeling of power not to allow to treat myself wrongly. And then I blew it, it’s like choosing love over that power. Always happens to me.



  476.  #476Jilly on February 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    First WOW Nancy!! I love what you said about getting committed…I’m going to be honest though…after two weeks??? please keep us posted!!! 🙂

    Alonka…hugs…babysteps rights? 🙂

    So last week I was ready to end it with Pipeliner man but mysteriously on that same night my phone stopped working so he was trying to call me for 3 hrs and the message said I changed my number…anywho…he had a little meltdown and realized he that even though he doesn’t know what tomorrow brings he wants me in his life and has been super lovey dovey since (so that was wednesday) Friday morning he called and said they shut his work down til Monday and he was on his way!

    I had a ski date…so I had to manage a way for there to be no accidental meet ups of CD’s…and it worked out perfectly!!!!

    Pipeliner left this morning….it felt great to be with him…

    I have another ski date tomorrow…(i’ll call him supersmartman) probably one of the smartest men I’ve ever dated..makes great money and is 38 and has no kiddies… CD#2 🙂

    I have two hot men from POF who’ve both ASKED me for my number and not just given me theirs…I feel impressed and happy…yay!! (I’ll call them posterboy and another pilot lol) this pilot seems different than others ive dated…hmmm we’ll see

    it’s raining men this week Sirens!! and men I feel excited about!!!! wahooo!!



  477.  #477Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Eternity

    #472: Maybe you can ask them before the date if they are married? You can state that you are looking for a serious relationship too.



  478.  #478Jilly on February 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Eternity…ewww…ya..like what’s that supposed to mean?? alot of married men?? that would feel yucky to hear…or was he warning you?



  479.  #479Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Alonka humliation is unnecessary. Everybody experiences breakups, life goes on. Love is a risk. If you take your life seriously you will take the risk. You don’t want to be jaded.



  480.  #480Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    DE

    #474: ‘I feel grateful for u that he didn’t drag the relationship with u far longer…I think this is far better than an “imaginary” relationship…’

    I don’t;))) I was at the point where I realized that this all didn’t feel too committed and was planning to work on it. Didn’t get the chance:(



  481.  #481Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Alonka, again, I’m very sorry for you. I don’t know what the break-up response is. It’s happened to me A LOT, and I’m still no better at handling it.

    Like you did, I tried to get off the phone quickly. “Good luck, then…ok, ok…good luck, good bye.”

    The guy who called to cancel today because he is not over his dead girlfriend…I just said, “OK,” to everything he said and then said, “Good luck.” and hung up. The guy who dumped me last week–the one who slept with his ex-girlfriend and said he was in love with her–well, I was less cordial to him, but it amounted to “OK, thanks for calling” with him too.

    It’s hard to be gracious when you feel like you’ve been discarded, but at least all these guys have something somewhat good in common: they did actually call; they did actually want to give us the courtesy of not making us wonder forever.

    So, yeah, it totally sucks being told, “You’re not the one,” but at least they owned it. And we can move on.



  482.  #482Daria on February 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    I’m feeling lonely. I really want to call somebody, to smoke w me especially, but I don’t know who to call without leaning forward.

    I leaned forward with my og friend and asked to cone over when he hadn’t picked up my calls. He said no and I felt very betrayed. I still am feeling so angry humiliated and powerless that he left me in the rain.

    Now I just want to go there and smoke but… I don’t want to call.

    I don’t want to lean forward and run into walls.

    I could do it w a former cd too but, again, something reminds me that it just turns out better not to.

    So what do I do.

    I am lonely.

    I am scared of my mom even tho she’s been sweet.

    I feel afraid of her energy right now.

    I want to feel surrounded by love and friends…

    And I feel racing mind superficial being

    I don’t know how to be happy alone

    I feel tired of trying

    I feel sad well dammit I feel sad yes

    I feel powerless. I love my powerlessness. And that feels a bit comforting

    I love my sadness

    Amd that feels relaxing and now I feel sleepy.

    It’s likely this is all about sleep, me still feeling tired.

    I love me tiredness and that feels like

    Such hunger for being in a guys bed smoking and watching movies.

    I love my hunger

    And that feels like a sigh a small smile and feeling weak

    I love my weak feeling

    And that feels like anger, rage

    I love my anger my rage

    And that feels like disconnect, like head numbness and ache

    I love my disconnect

    And that feels like I am relaxing



  483.  #483Lori on February 20, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    wow Jilly,

    You go girl! Where do you live and where are you meeting these men? I want to go on ski dates!!!



  484.  #484Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    RE 475 Alonka when I hear comments like “Always happens to me.” I wonder what agreement/commitments you have with yourself. What do you believe about your life. These are questions you should be asking yourself to uncover some things that might flying below your radar of consciousness. If you believe this will always happen you will unconsciously set up your programming to play it out and always wait for the shoe to drop. Make eternal peace with yourself, forgive youself then start to uncover your unconscious belief about yourself. Mine was I was unworthy. I have to fight for everything. I don’t deserve love. I now talk to myself to flip that.



  485.  #485Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    FW

    #479: Thank you, will try to repeat this to myself. That’s true, we all try our best but then only have ourselves to control, not what other people decide to do



  486.  #486Daria on February 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Yeah I don’t get ‘ broken up ‘ with very much but it feels much worse than just not calling me

    One of my new CDs hasn’t called me in like a week.. I am not really affected

    But breaking up? As in, I don’t want to see u? Happened once – fem acting guy – I felt furious. He came back layer of course

    But that was a huge turn off for me and he is way distant on my attraction scale now



  487.  #487Ella on February 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    I feel ok…

    Painted my nails pink.

    Have been feeling a lil empty inside at times this evening. Want to top myself up.

    I want to have the arms of a big, strong man wrapped around me… maybe I will have that again soon.

    I may go and lean against a wall…

    Tomorrow I am going to book a pedicure with the beautician down the road.

    I am going to do a new workout video that I bought. Or go for a long walk in the countryside.

    And I am going to do some work.

    And continue eating healthily.

    I am using the STOP tool and also choosing my thoughts.

    It is helping me a lot.

    I think I have a tendancy to choose sadness and lacking as a default.

    So while I am going to continue feeling my feelings I am also aiming to choose thoughts that lead me to positive feelings.

    And when I feel my strength and positive feelings I intend to focus on those feelings to make them grow.

    This time I am determined.

    No matter what else I am staying on my horse.

    Men may come and go and that is FINE.

    I feel proud of how I have handled things with my last situation. I can see how my thinking has changed, less in absolutes now.

    And how it is all about me and my vibe, not a man.

    What else can I do to make myself feel good?

    Well I have a new book to read and I am looking forward to snuggling up in bed with that book tonight, maybe with a cup of herbal tea.

    I have booked a pole dancing lesson for later in the week.

    Things are looking good.



  488.  #488Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Eternity I guess I would say are you saying I should be careful of you, or are you saying you dated some of these married men, I feel confused.



  489.  #489Lori C on February 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    471: Alonka NO apology necessary, believe me.

    lc



  490.  #490Alonka on February 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    DE

    #474: Thank you, I feel very grateful to be on this forum and have your support.



  491.  #491Boomer on February 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    I feel disgruntled and irritable tonight.

    My free 48 hours for another two weeks are over, and I’ve been canceled on or stood up all weekend.

    I did get to have a beautiful Thai dinner and dance with friends Friday, so I feel appreciative for that.

    I feel lonely and frustrated that I have to work and focus on everyone but myself for another two weeks, and then….what? Another weekend where I gt stood up or I don’t get any offers?

    I guess I’m also feeling negative. I’m just gonna wallow in it a little while.



  492.  #492Daria on February 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Italian guy – he of the I’m usually assertive talk but haven’t with you – who then kissed me but the kiss turned non assertive

    Btw Italian guy to me is the same ‘type’ as last nite cd. Last nite cd I know from a few years ago, but I couldn’t open up cuz he wasn’t my ‘type’
    But now since dating Italian guy, it felt a lil more comfy.

    He kissed me! It wasn’t super wonderful but it was not fem.

    Meanwhile Italian guys kiss was fem. He started kissing me, and I didn’t take over, I just melted and softened my lips.

    So then He didn’t take over so we were basically hovering w lips almost touching. We like meshed lips lightly three times.
    It felt nice that it happened and I believe him that he will step up but that was the most non assertive kiss ever.

    So the next day Italian guy texts me hey I wana see u tonite were gona hang out by that park.

    Honestly, he likes that park and I’m tired of it, didn’t sound like a plan I was excited about and I had more exciting plans w friends so I didn’t answer.

    Then Friday he calls and leaves a message for me to call hi
    When I get a chance. I was out all weekend and didn’t really get a chance to

    Then Saturday nite I get thus text from him – I felt really surprised –

    “are you serious!! you’re not calling me back are you ignoring me I’ve been really nice to u whatsup??”

    I’m like whoa – this is different, he’s usually mature and calm

    I wrote back right away:

    “aww been busy not trying to ignore you. Will be free tomorrow”

    Haven’t heard from him

    I feel, flattered, concerned (am I pushing good guy away), turned off, curious



  493.  #493Femininewoman on February 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Listening to EMK on Soulmate Summit he said women havw to do nothing except stand with your arms open. The guy who wants you will always be moving towards you. Guys do what they want to.



  494.  #494Wonder Woman on February 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    FW

    Thank you for directing me to the soulmate summit. I was blown away by what Alison Armstrong spoke about.

    It has really opened my eyes to how I behave with men and to be aware of how chemistry is affecting my decision making.

    I also loved her summary at the end.

    “Don’t wait to get to know them better before you be completely yourself and Fly your flag. Represent yourself as authentically and accurately as you can and people will either sort themselves in or sort themselves out, and if they sort themselves out they’ve done you a favour. They’ve left before they broke your heart”