What To Do With Your Rage – Bethany 6

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Bethany’s now moved from anguish – to anguish and RAGE, and though she’s trying to cork the rage, it just squeaks out – see if this will help you:

“Hi, Rori, I saw Carl in the computer lab today and I felt angry. He was with a student and the three of us ended up standing around the printer. I couldn’t meet his eyes and then the student asked “So who’s the better teacher?” and he said “She is,” and I said “Oh I don’t know, he has more experience…” or something. Then I asked the student “So is he a hard-ass as a teacher?” I think I meant it to be funny but oh my god, I think it was my anger talking!!!! Shit!!! Then I had to leave.

Now I feel awful like I’ve messed the whole thing up because I didn’t get a chance to say what I feel about that text he sent me (the one about the girl) and I’m just ANGRY, full of RAGE even and it scares me that I would have such a strong reaction to a small thing. Oh my God. I’m sorry I know you’re busy but do you have any ideas about how I can do this without pushing him away with my anger leaking out??? Please, please tell me I haven’t screwed this up? Thank you, Bethany

My answer:

Bethany, First – go to my blog, go to the category Power & Self Esteem, and work through each post in turn, using the comments the other incredible women make for reference, and my posts tweaking them. Do the lists and the flips and the exercises. It will help you get in touch with yourself very quickly.

Now – What you said to him would be thought of by many, many people – including many relationship experts – as “delicious, flirty, cute, a bit bitchy and challenging and totally adorable and attractive.” So – why are you beating yourself up?

Because it didn’t go the way you WANTED it to go.

I don’t even hear what CARL’S reaction to you was.  Perhaps he smiled. (I mean, truthfully – what man would be deeply offended by being thought of as a “bad-ass”? To most men, that would sound kind of “manly.”) And my guess is that you didn’t mention his reaction here because you weren’t THERE for it.

You either walked away and so weren’t there physically, or you immediately went into your head in “damage control” mode and shut down.  You went away emotionally and mentally – didn’t stand by yourself and stay present, and – MOST IMPORTANT – no matter WHAT was happening – put staying CONNECTED to Carl in the number one priority slot.

And that’s why you’re beating yourself up even more.  You wanted to use the moment as an opportunity, and instead you ran.

And I want to say – it’s OKAY that you ran! In fact – it makes total sense that you ran! I totally and completely understand, and I want you to totally and completely understand and be OKAY with it.

I still run sometimes, we all do it – and it’s just part of the journey, part of being human, part of the ups and downs of doing my methods and healing yourself – BECAUSE – we can only go so fast.

We can’t go any faster than our systems will allow us to go.  If we are deeply traumatized – we simply CAN’T stay there and be “connected” when we’re feeling so terrified (which is what triggering our old traumas does – it feels terrifying).

Almost all of us are traumatized to some degree, and I know, from working with you, that you are – right now – smack in the middle of working through your very deeply ingrained defenses against your very deep and real traumas.

So give yourself a break, okay?

The way to move at lightening speed, the way to move quickly – is simply to PRACTICE.  That means, by hanging in there with Carl, you are practicing. You are allowing yourself to be constantly triggered, and you are working to go through the steps you need to go through in order to clear away some of your “frozen defenses,” and clear away the instinctive traumatic reactions.

You cannot move this mountain all at once, so stop trying.  Just do the Tools, one at a time.  Write speeches, and say the truth and your feelings as much as you can.

Practice saying EVERYTHING – about the weather, the movie, the coffee – in Feeling Messages for practice.

You’ll see an improvement in your ability to give up your “Stance” and go into “Strong Surrender” (in Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren) – and experience your anger as FUEL for yourself instead of as this barb-like defense you’ve always used it for.  You’ll experience your anger as MUCH BETTER-FEELING than fear and depression, and you’ll open up more and more of it and see it for what it is – a GOOD thing!

So – for you, Bethany, and for all of you lovely, wonderful, brilliant goddesses on this blog – do NOT beat yourself up – you aren’t allowed. I won’t allow it.  I love you too much. It makes things worse – tighter, more constricted, harder to get to. Use the Tools, work toward getting more and more Present. This is what the Tools are for – you are always working on yourself to raise your consciousness, your awareness, and your ability to feel what you feel and respond in the moment. It’s a process, and it gets easier the more you practice. Just practice.

Bethany, you will see him, you will hear from him. Prepare what you’re going to say – try something like – “…oh my god, I felt so angry. I was shocked at how angry and enraged I was. I was working so hard to stuff it down, I don’t want to do that – I want to be open and straightforward with you, even if I don’t like what you do or what I’m feeling – so I’m just going to spit it out. When you texted me about that girl I felt awful. I just felt so angry. I felt confused. I don’t like feeling angry with you. I don’t like feeling jealous, and I felt that. And I don’t like it.”

Line by line, listening to him after you speak, going with the feelings you have after he speaks…

I can’t guarantee you this man forever. But I can guarantee you that if you practice on him, your relationship will get more intimate and closer – IF HE”S CAPABLE!, and if he’s not the one – the next one will be so much better!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on December 17, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    I’m feeling super triggered! I went out with a girlfriend to hang out at the house of her love interest, but one of mines was going to be there too. At first it was great, he was into me and wanting to kiss me… but at the same time I am thinking he is having some kind of jealousy/show off issues because he wanted to kiss me in front of his friend… I used to date another of his friends and he probably feels insecure about that but I don’t want to overfunction about that… so maybe I am…

    Ok the short story is… I had a hard time saying No to him! I felt like he was going to yell at me or hit me! He has never done this to me before, although people in the past have… so I felt scared! He wanted to drive my car… and I didn’t want to let him at first… I said so several times and he kept trying to convince me!… I didn’t know what to do! And I felt scared! I am pretty sure I was being triggered, and a small vibe shift would’ve been handy…

    I was trying to stick to feeling messages and I even said so that I could respect his decision… that I don’t like ppl driving my car and that I will let him drive it but I don’t feel happy and that I am not promising that I am not going to feel bad about it later! Well he still wanted to drive it… so I feel angry! (I think he wanted to show off in front of his friends and kind of “claim me” in front of them)

    5 min later I had gotten a hold of myself so to speak and was able to share that I had felt scared that I would be yelled at or something… he said no way would he do that… about 1 hour later I had gotten even more of a hold of myself and said… I want to drive… he said ok… then a little later wanted to still drive and I said No… that Doesn’t feel good! very firmly and he didn’t argue… but I still felt tense although I was gradually relaxing and I felt like going home, not spending more time with him…

    and now the next day I feel annoyed and disappointed and still angry… although also happy about some of his attention!

    Now I know this is not a perfect man and of course he shouldn’t push me when I say no… but I think this is a good example for a lot of real-life situations… what do I do when I say no and a guy insists? When I handle this well I don’t even notice it but sometimes I get triggered and feel terrified as well as very angry! I don’t want to feel this way or “make a mountain out of a molehill…” How can I stand up for myself without making him wrong? Out loud or in my head!

    I feel like if I’m too scared to say no to him he will pick up on it and won’t feel like he can trust me with his anger or other feelings…

  2.  #2Daria on December 17, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    adding that after I said… No that Doesn’t feel good firmly and drove myself I feel very proud of myself for doing that even though it was a small thing… i also feel proud that I went home instead of pretending I felt like hanging out… and I said bye in a very feminine laid back way and he said he would call me… which I feel good about…

    I am pretty sure this man would give a lot to me if I was able to hold my boundaries well… please help me hold my boundaries! Aaah I feel scared that I am having a hard time with this…

  3.  #3alias girl on December 17, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    WOW rori you are amazing. you are seriously grooming super goddesses. what a great post. and thank you bethany for allowing us to follow your process. definitely the power and self esteem series will help. when i first got in touvh with my rage (also triggered by little seemingly insignificant things. or if not insignificant just not in proportion to the rage reaction it would illicit within me.) but at first i was actually a little frightened of myself. but it will morph and i just learned a deeper level of understanding and love for my self (and consequently others. esp men as they have all that testosterone going on which triggers their rgae far more than mine gets triggered i imagine)

    i just really got a lot of this psot and this whole blog and the wonderful women on it and i am really growing up quite nicely. 🙂

    although i do want to move the whole mountain all at once. and then just live blissfully from now on!

  4.  #4Daria on December 17, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    Im feeling all out of control! I just read Rori’s newsletter today about the faucet of emotions… I feel so disappointed that I maybe turned off my faucet… maybe I should have said… I feel angry… I would’ve felt so weird saying just that with us sitting in the car… grr… I feel mad at myself and like I am a loser… and that is ok… I love myself and the part of me that is a loser… I love my rage that tells me not to have anything to do with him or anyone who triggers me in this way! And yet I’ve been approached in rude ways before and have handled it so well, like it wasn’t even a problem and felt super strong! I feel so wacky! I feel like jumping out of the chair and riding a horse at 300 mph! (What???) I feel lots of energy through me and I feel angry! I love myself and my energy and anger! I love my horse riding self ! That feels like smiling… I feel scared and disappointed… I feel like this guy is not for me and I have to let him go… which I can deal with but I don’t want to deal with this issue of me being scared coming up over and over and me letting every guy go if it eventually comes up! Aaah… I don’t know what I should’ve done in this situation! I feel ashamed! I Feel upset! I love my upsetness and shame! I feel like yelling and shaking my fists and that is ok… I love myself! AAAAAHGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I want a solution! I WANT to deal with this the RIGHT WAY! What is that I want to know NOW! I feel ANGRY! I FEEL ANGRY! I love my feelings and that feels like smiling and feeling angry feels like tension in my mouth area, neck and upper stomach! I also feel glad like secretly gleeful that I DID eventually get my strength back. That is a baby step but still good.

    Should I have said… I feel terrified that you are going to be mean to me or hit me>?? that seems all about him… and also seems like he would say what? why would I do that… and I would be stuck in the car with him… maybe I could say… I don’t feel comfortable sitting in the car with you anymore now… and then get out? URGGH i used to go through this with yet Another of my exes I remember now… not fun and I would wind up feeling stressed… what is up with this pattern! I feel unheard! I feel like making lots of noise! I want to feel respected! I want to feel honored and worshipped and heard! AAARGGHHH>….. did I shoot myself in the foot! I hate myself and that is ok… I love that part of me and part of me knows it is lying and I love myself too! And that is ok… I feel confused… that feels like puffed out lips and I love my puffed out lips… that feels like tense upper tummy and I love that too… I love my rage! Thank you rage… I felt like yawning and my shoulders feel pressed down, and I lvoe that… and I love the tightness in my mouth… thank you tightness. I love the tightness in my upper stomach too, and my pelvis… and my ankles, and my neck, and my spaced out feeling eyes. I really love myself. I do and that feels like a little bit of softening all over… and my pelvis feels twinges on the right side and I love that… and my neck feels hard on the left side and I love that… and my breathing feels like its slowing and I love and am enjoying that thank you… and that feels like smiling and I love my smile, and I love my yawn and my relaxation…

    What do you do when you feel someone is lying to you? … I feel you’re lying is all about him? or… I feel unsafe… I feel scared… I feel like crawling into a ball… I feel like making you GO AWAY! I feel distrustful… I feel annoyed… I feel so uncomfortable… I feel like getting out the car and walking out, what do you think???

    I feel like my forehead is tightening and I love that… I feel like my pelvis is twinging and I love that… I feel such strong tension in me… I feel amazed that my tension is so strong! I love my tension! I love me! Yay… I feel proud of myself ! That felt like a big yawn and some relaxation… the skin on my face feels tight… my neck feels tight… I love the tight feeling on my face an dthe tightness in my neck muscles… I love myself… I am feeling better riffing about this, and that feels like yawning… I love my yawn… I feel so interested that I feel scared of men sometimes… that is kind of cool but at the same time I feel kind of grossed out… I feel confused… that feels like tightness around my mouth… I feel hungry too! lol… that feels like smiling… I love my smile, I love the tension in the right part of my chest… oh I want to keep working on this and I feel ravenous… I am going to eat and come back…

  5.  #5Daria on December 17, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    Ok I am back! I am going to try to do a Rori style reenactment:

    Man: Let me (drive, borrow some money, do something you don’t want to do)

    Me: No, I don’t want to do that

    Man: See that’s what im talking about, this annoying ****

    1.OLD Me: (silence) or hmm….
    2.IN-MY-HEAD Me: What? Are you out of your mind? How dare you talk to me like that? I want to get away from here, I feel scared
    3.NEW Me: uhh I feel weird and I feel scared and really angry

    Man: What the **** why

    New Me: I don’t feel good

    Man: Why don’t you feel good

    New Me: I feel scared

    Man: What? God… (rolls eyes) You Always feel scared… why are you scared?

    New Me: I feel angry, I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to feel this way.

    Man: Then don’t.

    1.OLD Me: (silence)
    2.IN-MY-HEAD Me: What the **** how dare you brush off my feelings like that! You asshole! Wow I feel scared… I better do some damage control so that he doesn’t hit me or yell at me …
    3.NEW Me: (what would I say here I don’t know this is where I run into trouble expressing ) I feel scared, I don’t want to argue with you.

    Man: We’re not arguing.

    Old Me: ok.
    IN-MY-HEAD Me: yeah whatever.
    New ME: (no clue) I feel weird.

    Man: (I don’t know what he might say…) You’re always feeling something! Rolls eyes

    New Me: I feel angry and annoyed.

    Man: (no clue… at worst): MAAAN so can I drive/borrow money/ get a ride/ get a sexual favor/ etc.

    New Me: No. And I feel mad.


    Ok… I feel exhausted going through this even in my imagination! It seems like it will go around in circles and I feel more and more grossed out and scared by the process… HELP? Tweaks ?? Please…


  6.  #6Rori Raye on December 17, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Daria – this is the way to do it. Just keep trying it out until you can FEEL how something feels good inside – that’s ONE ROUND. Then he says something, and you have to work on that one – Round TWO. Don’t look for overnight – look for the small steps that you can DO. Love, Rori

  7.  #7Daria on December 17, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    Rori Thank you for answering…

    I feel kind of tense rereading my reenactment… but I’ve been through very similar scenarios in the past, with different men.

    When you say this is the way to do it, do you mean reenacting or feeling messages or both…

    and when you say it Feels good inside, you mean it feels good to express the feeling right?

    One of my anger defenses is Silence! I am definitely not scared to use that one regardless of whether a man might hit me or yell at me… so it’s kind of ironic that I feel afraid to use feeling messages because im scared of that!

    In fact me picturing in my head that he might do this (maybe it comes from my upbringing, but thats ok because I love myself !) , I feel it actually may attract that kind of behaviour. It feels limiting! AAAH! And then if I say NO and I “win” I feel awkward because I feel like I am “dominant” and I feel scared the guy will feel weak and insecure and therefore not like me!

    AAAH so much to deal with I feel overwhelmed! And I love my overwhelm! Yay… I feel happy you wrote that I am doing it right… must mean I AM doing it right even though it feels uncomfortable weird and messy…

  8.  #8Reshi on December 17, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Anger is where I am frequently. I get triggered by everything from the names of restaurants I used to go to with my husband, to any mention of words he used to say, to names of people that we both knew. The anger doesn’t last but it keeps on coming back. And I was Riffing on that and realized the anger *isn’t about him* at all. It’s about me. I’m, on a very basic level, angry because I didn’t get something that I wanted. Like a 2-year-old temper tantrum kind of anger. And of course I don’t want to admit that I’m on the emotional level of a 2-year-old, so stuff it down I do. D: But it’s so OK that I’m acting like a 2-year-old, anyone would given the circumstances. And I love me and everything’s going to be OK even if I didn’t get what I want. There’s always more things to want and I can even get some of them!

  9.  #9Daria on December 17, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    I feel sad… a gloomy kind of sad and I see images of the guy from last nite. I feel sad that the person I always felt safe with I felt unsafe and scared of last nite. I feel disappointed. That feels like puffy lips, like hanging face. Thank you lips and face. It feels comfortable to feel gloomy like this. I love my feelings. That almost feels like smiling and I feel upset that I want to smile. I want to keep feeling sad and that is ok.

    My friend just saw my myspace saying I’m feeling sad and gloomy and invited me over to her new apartment! YAY!

    Lol I feel a little smily now…

  10.  #10alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 12:18 am

    i feel hopeless. it just seems obvious to me that a relationship with a man will never be what i hope or dream for it to be. i mean i could almost use this website as proof that it is juat not meant to work out as a boy’s dream and a girl’s dream are very faaaaaaar away from each other.

    i feel so sad. i don’t want to feel sad. i wish i didn’t want or need anything from a man. i feel so sad. i feel hopeless. that feels like i am just a puddle on the ground. i feel like i just want to give up. i feel hatred towards all men. and i feel hatred towards my lack of courage in life. ok don’t beat myself up. i love my lack of courage. i love my fear. i love my hopelessness. my limpness. my want to give upness. i feel i am too strong. but obviously that can’t really be true. if i were truly strong i would be able to withstand being triggered. but why should i have to.

    i feel sad. i feel hopeless. that feels like a cloud in front of my face. it feels like i’ve been tricked. i feel self hatred. i want to be loved. i want to be showered with love from people that it feels good and safe to be showered with love by. my theme is i am defective somehow so it will never happen for me. things will never click for me. not my love life. not wealth. not my career. there is some missing chip. that keeps me separate from all the good stuff.

    i feel release. i love my hopelessness. i love my fears. i love my cowardness. i love my isolation. i love my lame job and my tiny income. i love my shame. i love my poor choice or good partners. i love my horse with no exes riding with me. i love my stationery horse that i don’t even feel like riding if there is no aa man with me.

    life feels so meaningless and stupid. i feel hatred towards men. i feel like i could never trust that a man would have my best interests at heart or treat me like he truly respects me and values me and feels utterly lucky to have found me. i feel so sad. i love my sadness and my cynicism. how great to be a cynic covering up a deep deep desire for romance. how wonderful to have a heart sensitive enough to be able to feel sadness.

    i feel so hopeless. i love my hopelessness.how great to be without hope. to be stripped of the fairytale dreams. to just stand naked with my cynicism to keep me company. i feel angry. barely. mostly i just feel sad. what is the world really like without all my illusions i wonder? is it bleak or is it more wonderful? i feel sad. i love my sad hopeless cynic.

  11.  #11alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 12:38 am

    i feel sooo sad. that feels like a lightening bolt in my brain. that feels like sobbing. i feel hatred. i feel like i don’t want to give anyone a chance and the minute someone hurts me on purpose then i just want a divorce forever from them and then it is never the same again. only one person in my life so far i have been able to recover from that divide feeling thaat happens after the hurt but everybody else it is like it is there . just a narrow river of distrust that keeps me from having a better time with them.

    i feel resigned. just live out my days til i die. who cares. 🙁

    wow i feel so sad. i don’t trust my happiness or my sadness. too extreme too based on pillow structures. not based on anything solid. i love my flimsy sense of reality. 🙁 i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel overlooked. i feel let down. i feel a useless vagina. i feel hatred towards my vagina that makes me pick men that never claim me. i feel victory over never having succomb to some lame-o girl man. i feel snide bitterness. i feel bitter. like a bitter weed growing in a wonderful flourishing garden. i feel angry. i feel like pounding my fists on a metal table and making alot of noise. MAY I PUHLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. OK I AM FANTASTIC DESPITE MY LONG LITANY OF FLAWS AND I AM ANGRY THAT I HAVE WASTED MY FANTSTIC GODDESS SELF AND MY FANTASTIC GODDESS PRESENCE ON ANYONE THAT DOES NOT APPRECIATE ME. i feel haughty and overblown. i don’t feel that great really. i just want a simple little fun little romantic special best friend good sex loyalty kind of relationship. i feel sad. i love my haughty unrealistic hopeless self. i love that my horse is without lame-o girlymen who do not recgonize their luckiness in us haaving found each other. i feel sad and how can i go on one more minute on this same lame path that is leading me to this same dry well. i am dying of thit. i want a long term sexual relationship. i want romance. i want loyalty and monogamy. i want the fiarytale that will never happen. i feel sad. it feels like endless sadness. i love my never ending lamenting.

  12.  #12alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 2:18 am

    i feel sad. i feels like cartoon scrunched eyebrows. it feels so deep. it feels like i juat want to distract myself. i feel sad. i feel like i have nothing to offer and would make a terrible girlfriend. i love my self loathing. i love my need for perfection from myself and others. i love my inability to tolerate and sort of broken promise or slight. i love my tall tall wall of distrust. my throat feels really constrivted and my eyes are blurry. my chest feels like someone is pressing on it. my eyebrows hurt. i want a divorce and there is no one to divorce. no one has ever asked me to marry him. stupid girly boys.

    i want someone to blame OTHER THAN MYSELF for my life not living up to my dreams. i feel sad. ridiculously out of proportion sad. like i just created this beautiful structure that took my tweny plus years and all my resources and time and creativity and love and trying and someone just came and knocked it down just because they could. just because they felt bad about themselves just because they were jealous of my beautifulstructure.

    i feel relief. i feel like ok fine. like reshi said. ok i didn’t get what i wanted. i can want other things. just bc i didn’t get the man i THOUGHT i wanted doesn’t mean i can’t have my dreams come true. just means not with him and if it’s not working out with him then it’s not suppposed to. 🙁 i feel like i am just pep talking myself with bs. always always telling myself next guy will be better for me. and usually he is but where is the guy that i get a chance to feel good with for more than a couple of months? i have no concept of what a real relationship even is. i feel very angry. i like to feel good. thatls what i like. no anger no jealous no hurt no sadness no loss no confusion no scared no betrayed no let down no lied to. just good and up. good and better. good then great. feeling bad blows. it’s like vomiting. it just feels bad. all these feelings brewing in my body and then blech they need to expel. that is a gross image. sorry.

  13.  #13Daria on December 18, 2008 at 3:06 am

    Hey Alias Girl I really like this!!! :

    “i like to feel good. thatls what i like. no anger no jealous no hurt no sadness no loss no confusion no scared no betrayed no let down no lied to. just good and up. good and better. good then great.”

    That sounds really cool like a song! OMG I love it! It says Everything!

    Hey you know what, sometimes I feel a narrow river of distrust with people too… and I used to picture a mountain, and the river flowing through the mountain, like a tunnel! Except sometimes the river would be my love and the mountain was the distrust… anyway I felt really surprised to see that you had a river image too and it really reminded me of mine. Thanks. I feel weird speaking in feeling messages. Hello. I. Am. An. Alien… I speak in feeling Messages! LOL! Ok I feel embarassed weird uncomfortable now… I feel like hiding… lol

  14.  #14alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 8:11 am

    daria you’re so cute with your alien/feeling messages. i learn so much from your comments and following your journey. thanks for being so generous and authentic. i feel like i am making great progress in becoming my godess self even though i go through sort of deep emotions and murky soup sometimes to get there. i feel like i am having stronger boundaries with men and am being more authentic. i am choosing my words as rori says and letting go of results. truly letting go of results. it is becoming far more important for me to take care of myself and nurture myself and my hopes and dreams than to hang onto one unwilling man. it seems obvious but wasn’t always. i feel good and strong and worthwhile and dignified.

  15.  #15Reshi on December 18, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    I’ve got more online dating responses than I can handle. (well, the number that I can handle is approximately zero.) I’m finding myself wanting to ignore them and keep them at arm’s length out of fear, just let them fade away…and then I’m finding myself wanting to prove to them that I’m the perfect girl for them…so I wrote back to a couple, just trying to stay centered within myself in everything I said…

    and wtf! here I am writing to you on this blog and the guy from yesterday is calling me! And I did all the right things–well most of the right things, feeling messages are still hard but I got out one or two…let me tell you, it was a night and day difference from yesterday. He still has a very fast energy but I just lay down and got very curious about the pattern of the scales on my ashy legs…lol…need to remedy that situation…and the conversation just seemed to flow. We have a LOT in common as far as interests, general personalities, etc. And then I was all “hey I gotta go” and he immediately asked me out for tomorrow! PANIC. WTF am I going to do?! This is happening too fast for me. But I’ll flow with it and see what happens. 😀 😀 Realistically this guy is too old for me and he’s said he doesn’t want marriage…this makes him a useless life partner but a great partner for safe Circular Dating while I am still legally married…and it’s amazing how bad I DON’T feel about doing this.

    Alias Girl, isn’t it great to let go of results? The best part is that it doesn’t mean that you won’t HAVE results. It simply means that whatever happens, you take care of yourself, you have your own back, and then you get to be surprised when awesome things happen–and they will!

  16.  #16alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    reshi you ROCK! how amazing that you have the same man and yet a completely new (and enjoyable) experience of him based on where YOU were at emotionally. wow!

    and yeah cool that he’s set it up that you won’t feel too obligated to him (as i often do) and you can just date and practice with him.

    totally awesome! all the godesses say Yeah!

    THANK YOU RORI for shifting the consciousness and love patterns of females. your life’s work is much appreciated by me.

    i had the most enlightening conversation with the man i kicked off my horse. his response was very unexpected. and i totally had no other agenda with him other than to share my true feelings and draw my crticial boundaries. and he is still off my horse and keeps trying to hop back on. hmmm.

  17.  #17Cassandra on December 19, 2008 at 3:58 am

    Thanks again guys for all of your love and support…..doing well this morning…just can’t sleep.
    I learn SO much from you guys and it’s awesome. Alias Girl, I can TOTALLY relate to your sadness posts in pretty much every way. I OFTEM go thru those very same feelings and for me it feels like a lot of hurt when I am in that place. I know for sure that at least once a month during pms time I seem to stay stuck there and does not feel good at all. I am with Daria in that I love what you wrote “i like to feel good. thatls what i like. no anger no jealous no hurt no sadness no loss no confusion no scared no betrayed no let down no lied to. just good and up. good and better. good then great.” SOOOOOOO COOOOOL and right on the money! Reshi….You do totally rock! Iam happy for you that you are surrenduring the outcome and just living in the present..I love it!! You guys all make me feel so much hope! Bethany – thanks for allowing us to share in your journey and be there for you. You are wonderful. I am learing alot from this post too!
    Love and hugs….

  18.  #18Laura on October 27, 2010 at 10:29 am

    I believe that I deserve a great relationship…..First regarding the man I am going to talk about, we have always had strong passion and great sex! I have been in a relationship with him for about a year now, and we have talked about marriage and a potential life together in the future. Last evening, I suggested to him that he seemed “torn” between being with me and doing what I thought he perceived correct in being with his X (never married to her but had a son with her), and I said that he has always said the correct thing to me, but I feel that it is not right between us…..he seems distant, or as I said to him “torn”. I suggested that he go back to his X to try to reconcile to try to solve issues and he said no, he did not love her. He agreed that my perception was correct, that he seemed torn, but said that it was not my problem. He then suggested that I was potentially “co-dependent” on him because I was worrying about how he felt. I told him that every time we got close, it seemed that he would try to get distant with me.

    About 15 years ago he was hurt deeply by an X-wife (not the same X mentioned previously) and he said he was co-dependent on her. I think he is afraid of becoming vulnerable and co-dependent with me, so every time we get close he pulls away. I told him last evening that I was not going to be co-dependent on him…..I have a stable job, activities I do without him, my own kids. We only get to see each other “alone” every other Tuesday and Saturday, but we do see each other many Friday evenings (with the kids, his one kid and my 3 kids), every Saturday, Sunday and perhaps several hours on weekdays. So he is interested in trying to integrate our families. I suggested that I had the need to talk with people and he suggested that I do talk with people. What I want is for him to become more vulnerable with me, to bond more to me in conversation, but this is getting exhausting. He asked me last night if I needed a break in the relationship and I said no…..he did not want a break either, or to go back with his second X. What I am wondering is, if he said if he is torn and said that he may be torn the rest of his life….this does not feel right to me….what do you think? Sincerely, Torn……

  19.  #19Rori Raye on October 27, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Laura – I can understand why a man with 2 marriages that ended would be cautious about entering a 3rd. Especially if he sees behavior in you (stuff he likes and stuff he doesn’t like) that reminds him of those other relationships. Relationships are just great moments strung together, and commitment gets you over the rough spots. If you’re not happy, then don’t be exclusive with him. Stay open and warm always…and see what happens. Love, Rori