What To Say To Him If He Asks You Why You’re Feeling What You’re Feeling

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A Question From Debra about Sara’s Question!:

Here’s the original question from Sara:

“Rori, When you’re talking about expressing yourself emotionally — then after you say how you feel, is it that whatever he does or says is none of our business?

For example, if say I’m frustrated –  and that’s all I say…What if he says ‘Why?

What if he says ‘Is it because of what I just said or did?’

I know it’s better not to tell him what he did wrong…but do I answer – ‘Yes. It’s because you said such and such that I feel frustrated.’ How do we answer that question? Thank you, Sara”

This Was My Original Answer:

Sara, it’s great for him to ask you “Why?”!

And your answer is about “setting the ‘Context'”:

“…when that happened, I felt….”

If you can – don’t even say the word “you” – and then keep talking in Feeling Messages.

And Here’s Debra’s Question:

” Rori, So in the girl’s example above would it be better to say: “When I hear such and such it makes me feel frustrated?”

And My Answer:

Debra, great question, and when you use the word “makes” – as in “you make me feel this”, “you made me feel this” – even if you don’t use those exact words, you are essentially blaming him, and that’s what he feels.

He feels it as an accusation.

In other words, you’re literally saying it was his fault, he started it…and framing it that way for him.

You might as well be poking him with a stick, and it won’t get you anywhere.

You want to say the truth, which is always YOUR truth!

Here, the truth is, “When I heard ________  I felt frustrated.”  You can also say “I felt upset anxious, angry”.

This keeps it all about YOU, and leaves him out of it.

The next step (I call it “The next Round) is all about what HE says next, and how you respond to THAT!

*He may try to “fix you” – and perhaps you like that!  – so “Thank you”.

Or, if you don’t like his “fix” response (always assume he wants to help, if it feels like “fixing” – even if it also feels insulting): “Thank you, I really hear what you’re saying, and I really appreciate your wanting to help.  I just still feel upset.”

*He may apologize. Great! Then, “Thank you, that feels good to hear.” With a smile  from you, true appreciation, yes!

*He may get nasty. He may attack verbally, he may react to you, because he doesn’t hear your new words and intent, he’s only reacting from OLD experience with you.

Here – you have an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship dynamic, and all the standard reactions you’ve been experiencing with him, completely around!

Love, Rori

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