What To Say To Him When You’re Dating Other Men

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So – what do you say to him – especially if he says he “doesn’t want to date a woman who’s dating multiple men?”

Here’s a letter from Mary, who’s trying to get away from a “friends with benefits” situation:

“Rori, I have been reading your letters over the past few weeks and they have really helped me, but I still find myself not always saying or doing the right thing and I feel like I always go back to square one with my friend. I was in an “imaginary” relationship (as you say) with a friend (with benefits). He could never give me a clear reason on why he didn’t want to be in a relationship outside of he knew if just wouldn’t work.

I recently ended the benefits, however, I know it is only a matter of time before he tries me. I’m not sure how to say what I need to say. I definitely know that I don’t want to participate in that if we are not in a “real” relationship.

He also is always asking me if I am dating other people. I am not exclusively dating anyone, but I definitely circular date. My friends tell me to lie and say I am exclusively dating someone to make him jealous. He say he is only asking because he wants me to be happy, but when I tell him I am dating someone, he acts like he is glad I am getting out, but then gets upset.

Just recently he asked was I spending the holidays with someone who was interested in me. I was really vague in my answer and he got upset, but I feel it is none of his business especially if he is not asking me to spend the holidays with him.

I really like him, but I know I can’t waste time waiting for him to “want” to be with me. I would like to get your advice on how to handle this situation. 1)Responding in the right way on why I don’t want to share benefits with him anymore and 2) how to respond when he asks if I am dating someone, should I embellish the truth?

Thanks for the advice, Mary”

First – this won’t work: My friends tell me to lie and say I am exclusively dating someone to make him jealous.

Not telling the truth is the one thing my whole work is is telling you is the absolutely WRONG way to go.  If you can’t tell the truth – then you’re also lying to YOURSELF.

Truth-telling has to be one of your number one priorities.  Even if that truth is “I don’t want to talk about it. It doesn’t feel right to talk about it.”

Bottom line:  If you are a woman who has a history of getting hung up on men who do not work out – either they hurt you or they simply aren’t right – then the only way to learn HOW to attract and be with a man who will make you FEEL GOOD and HAPPY, and feel RIGHT for you is to Circular Date.  Simply going with a man who shows up is silly and pointless for you.  It completely takes away the whole concept that you have a CHOICE.

I don’t want you to simply “follow along” with any man who shows up who you’re attracted to and interested in.

I want you to date MANY man, and “follow” EACH of them – as a GIRL follows the lead of the BOY.

This way – you’ll find out who’s good for you and who isn’t – without investing time, energy, heart, and hope.

This particular man, Mary, doesn’t deserve an answer.  He’s NOTHING to you right now.  If he calls you up, and invites you to an event, or to dinner, and you say Yes, then you’re DATING HIM.  And – that’s okay (just don’t sleep with him).

If you’re dating him, you say to him “It feels good to be dating and keeping my options open.”  And don’t talk about it in ANY other way.  Just say, with a smile  “I don’t want to talk about my fabulous single dating life with you…I just want to enjoy being with you right now…”

There’s a comment here on the blog that on a first date with a man, he said “…he doesn’t want to date a woman who’s dating multiple men.”

Well – here’s what you say to that:  “Wow, that feels interesting.  How does that look?”

And then you let him explain his thoughts about it.

And then you say – “That feels really scary to me.”  He’ll ask “Why”

You say “It feels like going steady before you even know someone.  It feels like a lot of pressure.  How does that work?”

And then you listen to him.  See what he says.  Now you can have a conversation about what all this MEANS to each of you.  Unless he flat out asks you to “go steady” – NOTHING will happen until he DOES! You can give him the “no girlfriend” speech and see what he says.

I guarantee you this – no matter how afraid you are…NO MAN will stop dating you because you are Circular Dating.  Will not happen.  Period.  He may stop calling you and use your “multiple dates” as an EXCUSE, but it won’t be true.

He knows he has to ASK you to be his girlfriend, his lover, his wife.  He has to ASK.  He doesn’t just get a free ride to exclusivity.

The only thing you need to know is who you’re sleeping with and who you’re not sleeping with, and if you meet a man who tells you he doesn’t want to date a woman who’s “dating multiple men” – he probably means he doesn’t want you sleeping with anyone else. THAT’S something you can talk about. You can flat out ask him: “Are you talking about sex?”

I really want you to notice how EVERYTHING is an opportunity to talk.  It’s the scariest stuff you can talk about that makes the quickest, deepest heart connection.  Don’t be afraid to talk about how you FEEL.

Just remember this:  Talking about how you feel is NOT the same as talking about everything you’re doing.  No man gets to hear the details of your romantic life with anyone else – especially not your past.

Talk about the present – how things feel RIGHT NOW, and listen to him when he talks.

Let me know how this helps clarify things. Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Erika on November 17, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    hi Rori,

    I really enjoyed this post. It seems like women can just experiment with words until they feel “congruent” with what they are saying.

    One thing I’ve definitely learned, is that saying “no” to a man once you’ve become a centered woman and you know what you want actually dials up the attraction immensely. But you have to mean it. You have to know in your heart of hearts that you simply will not accept certain scenarios and that you would rather walk away.

    And now I really do mean it. I walk away and I forget all about the guy, as if he never existed. It’s an entirely new experience.

    This amplifies attraction like nothing I’ve ever seen. This is part of the immense power of celibacy, btw. 😉 The built up sexual tension for me has become almost unbearable but … I know that what feels good for me, at leasr right now, is to wait until it feels absolutely 100% right before I have sex with any man.

    Erika 🙂

  2.  #2alias girl on November 17, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    i feel scared. it feels like a big cave inside my heart and deep breathing and blurry tery eyes. i feel scared. it feels like a scrunched face and tears and sniffling. i feel scared. of everything. and everyone. sometimes people are really nice to me. and sometimes people are rude to me. i feel scared and it feels like a constricted throat. it feels like an invisible vagina. my heart hurts. my throat hurts. my chest feels constricted. i feel sobs in my chest. who could love me? who could ever really love me? i love me. i love me alot. i feel sobs and a constricted chest. ah i feel a deep breath finally. i feel scared whne people get close to me. i feel scared when people plan into the future with me in mind. i feel scared when people are fond of me because i feel expectations attached to that fondness like all of a sudden i will need to fall in line with their expectations of me and there is nothing i rebel against more than people’s unspoken— unnegotiated with me— EXPECTATIONS. i feel calmer. i feel worried. i want to be better at honest communication about my own needs and expectations. i am scared about letting this one guy into my rotation that currently contains no other men. i feel scared of people. i feel better. it’s weird how it comes over me like a wave if i let it. just talked to that one guy on the phone and it completely triggered me. this guy has a wife in another country. i like the attention. i feel confused. i don’t even know if i am attracted to him. i just like the attention. some people like gifts some women like dinners some women want a man who is a good dad. i like to be sweet talked. that’s what i like. go figure.

  3.  #3Daria on November 18, 2008 at 1:11 am


    I feel SO MAD!! My mom is harassing me about finding a new job and I haven’t even finished this one!! IT makes it SO HARD to to relax and focus on feeling good when she keeps doing this!!! Last time it had me immobilized for months and I didn’t want to even think about getting a job! It’s going to make it harder for me to find one and to do what I have to do! I HATE this !!! THis is what I was worried about! I Feel so mad!! I feel worried!!! I WAS HAVING SUCH A NICE DAY!!!!!!! This is what I get for including them in my life!! I should have never asked their opinion on ANYTHING!! NOW SHE says it is not only my business what I have to do! I might wind up having to move out the house right now when I don’t have my finances up just to get some peace of mind!!! ARRRRGH! Why can’t she just mind her business!!! She is ruining all the progress I made! I already told her this morning that I don’t want to be bugged about this and that it doesn’t feel good! Now I’m going to feel awful at home instead of being able to relax. This is not fair!!! I FEEL LIKE CRYING AND I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MYSELF… I feel like smashing stuff against the wall (sounds like this morning)! I feel embarassed of how immature this post sounds but I am doing it to make myself feel better. I am feeling calmer now… I feel like yelling at my mom. That would feel good right now. I feel indignant. I feel unworthy. I feel outraged (this seems to be a loaded issue for me). That feels like tight around my nose, liek creased forehead, like hotness in my shoulders and feet. And I love my rage! I feel OUTRAGED!!! OUTRAGED!!! OUTRAGED!!! I love my rage. It is beautiful… Thank you rage for trying to protect me. I love my rage. I love the weakness in my arms and hands. I love the heaviness in my eyes. I feel hot in my stomach and I feel mad. I feel mad. I love my anger. This time I bet riffing is not going to work. I love my anger. And that feels like pouting lips. I love my pouting lips. I love my feeling of attacking. I love feeling helpless. I love my sadness. I love that I don’t want to cry. I love that I feel awful right now and I love my sarcasm. I love that I feel like calling my mom mean names in my head. I love my shame. And a part of me wants to feel happy. I want to feel happy and secure that I will take care of my business the best way that is right for me, regardless of what anyone says, well meaning or not. And I love that part of me. That feels like relaxing. It feels like my shoulders dropping down, and my mouth dropping into a slight smile. It feels like a slight headache behind my left eye. I love my eye and the head behind it. I love my yawning. I love my disappointment. That feels like eyes staring into space. Like a tight stomach, like dropping shoulders. I love my stomach and drooping shoulders. I love that I don’t have to listen to my mom. I want to punish her by not doing anything she says. And I know some of that will hurt me and I don’t want to do that. And I love both those parts of me. I love the part of me that is saying I’m selfish and that no one can empathize with me. I love that my parents get more respect than me. And part of me wants to feel respected too and knows I am respected. And I love both those parts of me. I feel bored writing this now and that feels like yawning. It feels like I am still angry and I feel my throat being tight. And I feel my toes being tight. And I love my throat and toes. I want to feel good. I want to feel relaxed and good and happy, and powerful, and invulnerable although Rori says we have to be vulnerable. I want to feel invulnerable. HA. I feel like rebelling against the whole world! I feel lazy and stuck in my chair, and that feels like my head tilting to the side, like my guts scrunched up in my stomach, like my muscles around my mouth dropping and feeling numb. I feel tight in my mouth. I feel annoyed. I feel mad. I feel tired. I feel disgusted. I love my disgust. And that feels like sighing. I feel afraid of being harassed, and of feeling emotionally unsafe and unrelaxed. I HATE THAT. And I feel all angr again. I feel so bored with my anger, that is what I’ve been doing with my anger since I was in middle school, pretending I am bored or sleepy. That is why too much anger makes me feel sleepy or weak in my arms and body. And I love that about myself, what a cool way to deal with it. And taht feels like smiling. I feel like smiling. Rori is awesome. I am awesome too. And that feels like yawning, it feels like leaning back in my chair. And I feel more relaxed. I want to feel good, better than relaxed, better even than I felt before I just talked to my mom. I feel worried and annoyed that I will have to deal with this tomorrow again, that feels like tightness around my left eye. And I love my tightness, and the tightness in my right cheek and my right shoulder. And I feel sleepy. I feel like leaving the house or going somewhere in my imagination. I feel like “checking out.” And I love that part of me. And part of me doesn’t want to check out. Part of me loves my worry, my annoyance and my rage. And I love that part of me. It is so brave and so patient. Part of me likes being harassed so that I can feel like a martyr or a drama queen. And I love that part of me too. And part of me wants to feel stress free and I love that part too. I feel relaxed. I feel bored. I don’t feel like riffing anymore, but I don’t feel done yet. I feel like picking up the phone and calling someone, or spacing out on the computer. I feel afraid that these are avoidance mechanisms. I love the way I feel. I feel glad that I am able to accept these feelings. That feels like numbness around my mouth, like soreness in my left middle finger and my right shoulder. That is so cool. I love my finger and my shoulder. Maybe my finger and shoulder are telling me that I can easily handle all this, that I will be doing the things I need to do for me and not switching from feeling mad at my boss to mad at my mom. I will not let my mom or my boss run my life. I feel weird. I feel like my eyes are spacing out. I love myself and my spaced out eyes. I love that my body wants to go numb instead of feeling this feeling. Maybe this feeling I am feeling is numbness andthat is ok. I love my numbness. And that feels like my mouth melting and softening. And I feel my eyes closing. That is too bad, I had so much energy until now. I can hear myself beating myself up and that is ok, and I don’t want to beat myself up. It’s ok for me to feel numb. It’s ok for me to feel unworthy of feeling anger. It’s ok for me to feel selfish and ashamed and like a brat. It’s ok for me to feel grossed out. I love my feelings and I love me. I love that I can stand up for myself sometimes, and I love myself when I don’t too. I am pretty cool. And that feels reasurring, it feels like I have done a pretty darn good job. That feels like a yawn and a shiver. I feel sleepy. That is ok… that feels like numb and droopy around my mouth. I feel frustrated. I love my frustration. I love my feeling of trappedness. I love myself even with this weak sleepy feeling. I forgive myself for dealing with my anger in this way instead of communicating. And a part of me wants to change this way of dealing with my anger. A part of me wants to feel powerful loved and energized. And I love that part of me. I love me. I feel so good yawning. I really feel like brushing my teeth and going to bed now… I am going to do that. I also feel like blogging my question about dating… I am going to do that now…

  4.  #4Daria on November 18, 2008 at 1:21 am

    about dating:
    I was very sexually attracted to this one guy after a first date, and then the second date he kind of turned me off. Now I feel only mildly attracted to him. We have had 4 dates. He has started stepping up and calls me all the time. He has asked me to be his girl and got the I don’t want to be a gf speech. He still wants me “all to himself” as he says and he says “I make him feel better than if he was by himself or with anyone else” (quoted from a song) and that “it feels so natural with me.” I like him but I feel bored.

    I feel worried!! This reminds me of one of my first long term boyfriends in highschool. I was really digging him until I got to know him and he was kind of soft, not the manly mocho man I thought he was. Then I gradually lost attraction until I had to break up with him 2 years later. How do I deal with this? From what I understand this is ok, that is to feel mild attraction. But I feel annoyed to get so many calls, he thinks I don’t really like him and wants me to call him back. His attention is starting to feel so boring to me.

    HELP!!! I think this is why I like unavailable men, they never give me such boring attention. What a turn off. HELP!!! I want a breakthrough on this issue!

  5.  #5alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 1:53 am

    hahaha…daria i so relate to your dating post. ahahaha. me too. i like tough guys. guys that are stronger than me and don’t put up w my crap. that feels exciting. i guess it is the same for guys. they like a girl that doesn’t act like a doormat when they dishing their crap, whether consciously or unconsciously. i don’t know the solution to your dilemma though bc i haven’t discovered the answer for myself yet. i’m starting to think maybe to appreicate what a man has to give and does it match up to what i like to receive. like reshi said in an earlier post about how her husband is a certain way and he’s never going to be like the unrealistic romantic comedy guys but she’d rather have the real connection with him. i don’t know. oh and maybe try feelings msgs with your mom. like i feel scared and tense about this situation already. i don’t want more pressure coming from outside me. i don’t want to feel like i’m not supported. or something? i don’t know. i really don’t. but you’ll make it through.

  6.  #6alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 2:02 am

    i have a question. i always want to overfunction. since i am at least half man it seems i always want to DO stuff for a man i love. but if i stop DOING for him then what is my purpose? what is he getting out of the interaction? how do i give to him? what program would this be discussed in? what am i offering? what’s the draw? sex ok. female company ok. siren company ok. but am i seriously just supposd to ease back while he rows the boat? do i need to keep the boat clean for him? wash his favorite rowing clothes. massage his muscles after a hard day of rowing? what is doing too much and what is just negotiation of needs getting met in a relationship? argh. i feel like i have the skills of a kindergartner in a grown up world of dating peoples. relationships freak me out. i think i put too much emphasis on the word. maybe it is just like everything else in life and coonstantly evolving between too people.

  7.  #7Lin on November 18, 2008 at 6:46 am

    I certainly know how you feel. I have felt the same way… I love loving a man so much that I enjoy doing things to make him
    feel good.. and make life easier for him… I deeply enjoy.. taking care of the man I love. And if he did not need me to do this. or desire me to do this.. I did not know my purpose.. or my strenght inside the relationship….
    What Rori says…. as I remember.. we can do this for a man that is giving more to us… We can give back !!! We as women should not give anything,..to our man unless he is giving us so much… and then we can give back but not as much as they give us… does that make sense to you.? Do you feel you can do this..?
    I have a hard time with this also… for this one special man in my life…only…. he has his hooks into me so much…!! However I am doing it.. !!

    Hugs to ALL,

  8.  #8Erika on November 18, 2008 at 7:38 am

    Alias Girl,

    You said: “hahaha…daria i so relate to your dating post. ahahaha. me too. i like tough guys. guys that are stronger than me and don’t put up w my crap. that feels exciting. i guess it is the same for guys. they like a girl that doesn’t act like a doormat when they dishing their crap, whether consciously or unconsciously.”

    Yeah, you just hit the nail on the head girlfriend. It is the SAME for guys. I’m convinced that relationships get really exciting when BOTH people are strong enough to be in touch with their feelings and really know what they want. That’s part of what I mean when I mentioned how saying no can amplify attraction, it works both ways.

    There are a few guys in my life right now where the sexual tension is very high and it’s because both of us are operating this way, and also with very high levels of honesty. Especially self-honesty. It requires patience too because there is a lot of “testing” going on before anything goes anywhere. Not deliberate testing, but more of an unconscious form of learning about how strong the other person really is … if that resonates at all.


  9.  #9Maria on November 18, 2008 at 8:34 am

    I feel angry dating. I feel afraid. I feel lost. What if it’s good to feel this way then I can dive into my soup It feels good to be in that dark, humid, creepy, scary, muddy, stinky, yucky, murky, cold hole in the ground I will feel better when I walk out of the tunel and into my beautiful pond I’m faced with fresh crisp air that instantly covers me it feels like peace, love and joy and laughter, and I hear sounds that are heavenly beautiful to my ears I can feel the sound in my body it even penetrates my soul, the smells are like gardinias in for ever bloom they are so beautiful so full of life they all turn to me when I show up they love me, and that beautiful waterfall coming out of the two rocks right infront of me, the water is so clear and crisp. There are huge dark gray rocks surrounding it, it feels private just mine and there is a beautiful black cat sitting in one of the rocks to my right just purring waiting for me. I love me I love my feelings I love my soup I love my cat and my pond I love my lovely life. There’s love all around me penetrating my soul, my mind, my toes, my legs, my vagina, my stomach, my chest and heart, and my arms, and it penetrates my neck my face my beautiful head my mind. I love myself, I am beautiful, wonderfuly made. I’m one of a kind. I am strong and beautiful inside, outside I’m beautiful and soft. I feel tingly talking about it, I feel so happy being, I feel so humbled knowing how awesome I am I feel so hopeful, my faith is so great and to know that I am so powerful??? it feels like I can fly, and be free, It feels undescribibly liberating. I love my energy…I love my bountiful and wonderful life….thanks to all you gals for sharing…Bless you all!

  10.  #10Cassandra on November 18, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Alias Girl…I can SOOOOO relate to your posts above. I understand what you are feeling completely. You are not alone and LOTS of people love you just for YOU! I haven’t even met you but I know that you are an amazing person and have a huge and beautiful heart!
    I send you a huge hug!
    love – Cassandra

  11.  #11Caj13 on November 18, 2008 at 11:00 am

    Alias girl –
    About the foreigner with the wife elsewhere: would you feel differently if they lived around the block and didn’t speak with an accent? There is a real, live, feeling woman in a home, who has committed to and been committed to by this man, probably with very few options in the face of anything he chooses to do.

    Although his exotic status makes him conveniently unavailable thus challenging (attractive), it may also make him seem less real, even less human. This just makes it too easy to set yourself up for failure (a safe result for you?), while ignoring the human costs. Even goddesses and queens have to respect the truth and abide by their own conscience.

    So get yourself sweet-talked – be wary of anything else, for your own and ultimately everyone’s good. It’s your call, of course. But watch your back. Men in many other cultures can have some pretty violent and unpredictable reactions.

  12.  #12alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    what a wonderful joy to come to this blog! thanks for evryone’s perspective. yes, lin that makes total sense. about the giving BAck and then still always less than he is giving. argh. that is a challenge. but i understand it now that you remind me of it. i do remember now rori saying something like that.

    aww. big hug cassandra. it seems i need to learn how to receive as rori always says. and allow love in. my whole life i’ve just been over or under functioning but not really allowing love in.

    erika, yes, i relate to the testing. sometimes i’ll do something and think damn i should have not done that or said that but then i turn it around and wait to see how the person responds. i don’t consciously set out to test people but i am hyperaware of how they respond to me. part darwinism i think.

    caj 13 yes, i hear you. i actually don’t feel responsible for a man who has allegedly commit to another woman and then goes after me. i mean, i don’t have a history of choosing that kind of unavail man but i also don’t take on the responsibility for the man’s behavior. would i feel different if she were in this country? yes. bc their relationship would be more real. at this point she’s like a war bride. a relationship can not really sustain prolonged absences like that. not reallly i don’t think. anyway i hear you about the temper thing. i’m wary of that in ALL MEN. that’s why it takes me so long to move forward in a relationship or even go on dates. the men scare me. but thank you caj 13 for saying something bc i actually don’t want this situation and maybe i just needed some support to make a decision. argh. now i don’t know how to tell him. plus that would bring me back down to zero again. i know it sounds mercenary to keep him in just bc therels no one else. i suppose it is. maybe i’ll just keep it to the phone? i don’t know.

    but thanks everyone. i totally appreciate you all and this space and rori’s guidance and wisdom and tools. xoxo

  13.  #13Daria on November 18, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Alias girl I say you’re a goddess. You don’t really want a married man. Tell him you don’t want a married man and if he wants you he can start the process of getting a divorce.

    That sounds goddessy to me. You can get what you want and you can ask for it, without begging. That is requiring. Now as far as applying it is of course to you and what you feel is best for you.

    I just went on Mama Gena’s site which I read here that Rori recommended her books. I loved her site, reminds me a lot of Rori. I also purchased 2 or her books as ebooks for under 8 dollars each, but so far can’t download them bec of a technical issue with Adobe format.

    So I feel empowered and I just heard a woman on the site speak about being a goddess and asking for what you want… on the job, etc, and how you can have your cake and eat it too. I feel happy with that and very uplifted and that’s why I made the above reccomendation.

  14.  #14Maria on November 18, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    All of this has become so interesting to me. Last night I actually had a dream that I was sitting in a car next to a man (someone I don’t know – “generic” guy?) and he said that he wanted to be friends. I responded, ‘That’s interesting but I don’t want a male friend. I have friends to hang out with. I want a real boyfriend. I want someone who is ready for a real relationship and has a pretty good idea that I’m the woman for him. You have a right to decide what’s best for you and take your time but I don’t feel good about this so you can drop me off at home now. Goodbye.’ HA! I’m practicing in my sleep!

  15.  #15Bethany on November 18, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    Daria–I had the Adobe problem too, it’s just that you have to download the Adobe Digital version…it’s free and doesn’t take long, then you should be able to do it. She says all the things Rori says, in a different way.

  16.  #16Erika on November 18, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    What I really didn’t get until recently is just to ENJOY the sexual tension. Not try to get things resolved.

    I didn’t get how fun it is to play with the tension and amplify it and tease in a light-hearted way with absolutely no attachment to the outcome because … oops you forgot to care about any outcome.

    I may be a minority view here but I’m having so much fun that I can’t help but share it 😉

  17.  #17Reshi on November 19, 2008 at 8:05 am

    Erika, I’m with you on that. I think part of the reason dating my husband was so much fun was that we weren’t having sex and I was TOTALLY enjoying the sexual tension.

    And I’m about to be another minority view because I don’t know what happened to me, but I’m not interested in sex at all right now. I’m not interested in sex with my husband, I’m not interested in sex with anyone else, I’m pretty much only interested in sex with myself and even that seems to have waned a bit. It’s like I realized that I can pleasure myself whenever I want so now the interest just isn’t there like it was a few weeks ago. And, not to boast or anything, but I’m such an amazing lover I’m just not feeling any interest in having another one. Maybe part of it is that I feel pretty certain that my path doesn’t involve having children, I don’t know. Or maybe it’s a case of sour grapes.

    As far as my husband it currently feels like living with a good friend…and that’s OK right now. I don’t know if it’ll always be OK, or if it’ll always feel like this. It feels good this morning. And I don’t want to kiss him, I don’t want to be physically close to him. The possibility is there for me to be attracted to him but I’m not attracted to the ENERGY he is putting out, not yet.

    I feel like I SHOULD be wanting more, but why even bother with sex unless it’s fully loving and connected like I am having with myself? And that kind of relationship will take time to develop and there’s no reason for me to rush it.

  18.  #18alias girl on November 19, 2008 at 8:19 am

    my need / desire for sex has also suddenly waned. i thought i wanted to find a lover and when i actually followed it through in my mind i realize i want the whole shebang. sex is pointless for me if it doesn’t have all the other fun stuff, or not even fun neccessarily but closeness. and i am so much more aware now of what a man is offering me. if he’s not offering me goodwill and cooperation and manly energy then i’m probably not that interested. THAT IS A HUGE SHIFT for me. and i don’t even care if i end up alone. i’m not saying i will bc that’s not what i desire. but just that i feel fine either way. i see the value in both. there is a lot of compromise in being in a relationship it seems. and maybe i’m just not up for it. or maybe i am if i felt the payoff was worth it. i just feel alot of clarity and serenity and i don’t feel so much like i have to be perfect.

  19.  #19Rori Raye on November 19, 2008 at 9:54 am

    I hear this glorious calm and peace here, and the sense of “urgency” has faded so much – this is fantastic! You’re moving through. Let’s see what happens next! Love, Rori

  20.  #20Daria on November 19, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Bethany thank you for the Adobe Digital clue… It Worked!

  21.  #21Daria on November 19, 2008 at 10:56 am

    Oh yes, I also feel somewhat better about my tension, but around this time of the month is not usually a problem for me. Did this cool Energy Dancing thing where I dance to gentle and release my tense areas, reminds me of painting myself with all of the insides of my body, an inner massage. It worked!

    Alias Girl… I had a hunch you didn’t just want sex I feel in the same boat, at the same time I am opening the doors for myself to permit my sexuality…

  22.  #22Mocha on November 19, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    This is great advice! My “uncertain” man during our consistent dating days said to me one time that he wants to see me when he wants to see me. And that when he’s interested in someone, he typically only dates that one person I interpreted that as saying I don’t want you to see other men and we are exclusive. NOT! As time passed, I asked him if we were serious, exclusive or committed and he answered no to all three. I was pissed! At that point I told him that I was going to stop seeing him as often because if we are not any of the above, then why did you have me move in and expect me to function as a girlfriend when I’m not. He was away on business and said we would talk when he got back. I also informed him that I would not spend a large amount of money on someone’s birthday whom I’m not their girlfriend. I told him I would celebrate but not go overboard as originally planned (he wanted a PS3- $500). The night we went out to dinner for his birthday, I told him I was not interested in being his girlfriend anymore because that’s how we are functioning now, I’m interested in much more. He said, “Like being engaged?” My response was “Yes”. About a few weeks later we were out house hunting. At the present moment, we are in an uncertain satge – my story is on the blog about a boyfriend needing space.

    I guess that at that point, I should have been dating a few more people including him regardless of the fact that I semi lived with him at the time instead of dating onyl him. I mean every once in a while I saw my ex boyfriend but he was more a less a loser but the sex was good. Now, I am dating which to me means going out for some type of activity – no sex and having fun!

    Whatever happens with us now, until he puts a ring on my finger, I will continue to date others and if the conversation comes up my response will always be, I feel uncomfortable talking about that. If he or anyone else persist, I will use a few more feeling messages

  23.  #23Becca on November 19, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Ok so I still feel confused about my feelings. I ended up texting him saying “Sorry I missed your call the other day, I’ve felt so busy lately.” He then replied with “That’s ok.” And at that point I felt that the reply was neither necessarily good nor bad. And was going to leave it at that for now. Then I went and watched TV for a bit and next time I looked at my phone I had a missed call from him and a text saying that he wanted to come around and get some stuff he has here (my phone was in another room and I didn’t hear it). I felt a bit apprehensive about talking to him.
    Since I wasn’t busy though, I called him back. I felt nervous but I kind of felt like I wanted to talk to him. So I told him that I didn’t want him to come around tonight as I was relaxing after being so busy lately. I know it might have been masculine but I couldn’t help saying “how have you been lately” and “what’s been happening” as I have not seen him for a month. I found it hard to speak in feeling messages.
    So he told me about his sister and that he hasn’t been doing much. And then he said “are you ok” because I must have sounded tired or upset. He said I sounded a bit weird. So I said that I feel tired because I’ve felt so busy lately. And he asked me if I was taking the job interstate as I had told him about the interview last time I saw him. And I said I feel a bit uncomfortable answering that to you. When he asked “why?” I said that I don’t know, I just do. And it was the truth. I felt uncomfortable because he is my ex and I still love him (though I would not admit that to him) and I want us to be together but it doesn’t look like we ever will be. So I answered his question, “yes, I am moving, I took the job”. And then “I feel scared about moving” and he said “You’ll be ok” and he sounded sincere and caring and sympathetic, which was nice but made me feel sad because I remembered how much he used to support me. Then I said that I was thinking the other day about us and felt sad because I feel like there’s a barrier between us and I miss being able to talk to him. He said that it was always going to be like that because we are broken up.
    Then we spoke about some other things like mutual friends and he told me that all his friends and family couldn’t understand why I went out with him (and for so long) as I am the nicest person. And that made me feel good and also sad. And he told me how he thinks he isn’t a very nice person… which confuses me that I can still love him even though he thinks this. He said that one of his close friends told him he was a jerk – and they were serious about it. I asked him who and when and it was a couple of months ago so it must’ve been bugging him a lot. I told him that I think he just doesn’t think before he acts sometimes and that maybe he has made some bad decisions but he is not a bad person. I feel like I have seen a different side of him for the 2 and a half years we were together. He was different with just me than around others. Maybe I shouldn’t have offered my opinion but I couldn’t help it.
    I said I feel like we are familiar but we are strangers and I feel like he is a stranger now. I said it would feel good to get to know each other again before I move and he said we should hang out before I go. So I said give me a call sometime soon and we’ll catch up and he said yes, I’ll give you a call and we’ll talk more about you moving.
    This isn’t the exact conversation but it’s the parts I remember most. And now I don’t know what to think or feel but mostly I think he still cares about me but maybe he might just want to be friends. I don’t know what to think about this but can’t stop thinking about it. And I wonder if the few feeling messages I did use would have made a difference with making him feel safe and drawing him closer to me.
    So I have a million thoughts in my head and just want to turn them all off sometimes. It’s amazing how at times lately I feel strong and powerful… like when I accepted the interstate job but then sometimes I just feel sad and like I’m going to miss my life here.
    On another note I am hanging out with this other guy I have been seeing lately tomorrow night and I am really looking forward to it. He has offered me support and listened to me while I was making the decision to move interstate and when I told him I was going he said that he was happy I made my decision but sad that I would be leaving. It felt so nice to hear that, I felt so appreciated. I know that he enjoys spending time with me and that feels so nice and good.
    I have been trying not to expect anything from anyone lately and mostly I can do this but it is difficult sometimes. I can feel my feelings now and be happy that I am feeling them. When I feel sad I tell myself that that’s ok and give myself permission to feel whatever I am feeling and then tell myself that I can feel happy if I want and think of all the things I am grateful for. I feel proud of myself for being brave enough to make the decision to move interstate, and do what’s best for my career. And I remind myself, you never know what will happen in the future.
    I feel so happy that I found this blog. Reading all the posts and comments has given me the strength to be brave and find what I really want rather than staying stuck in a rut of denial. I feel so grateful. So sorry about the really long post. I feel so much better after getting all this out there into the world.


  24.  #24Maria on December 23, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    to another Maria here! WOW, l liked your friends speech, that just hit the nail! Ten points!
    And Alias – you are a goddess! the way you show us your inner tender side is just incredible. As all the rest of the ladies here, l say as well as them – you have such a good and wonderful heart!


  25.  #25Michelle on May 12, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Ok, so I really never thought I would have to ask this question. But what do you do when you have more than one guy that wants to be with you?!?!

    I went from having different situations that weren’t working out for me to having one guy do a 180 and others just flocking to me. I gave the “no boyfriend” speech to the newbies and guys I’ve been on a few dates with that are showing A LOT of interest and they all understand and are still coming on strong. But they got it from the beginning so it was much easier.

    There is one guy that had been dragging his feet for months, being a friend with benefits, to just friends, to moving forward and making plans with me now. Over the last 3 weeks he has been super attentive, sweet, asking me out, doing things for me, telling me how he feels, and also making comments about us being together. I don’t know what to do!!

    I like him, but I like some of the other guys too…or atleast have enough interest to want to keep circular dating. I don’t know how to address the fact that I’m still keeping my options open and there are other people that I’m dating with this guy. Should I bring it up to him? It would feel a bit weird to bring up exclusivitiy when thats not what I want right now from him. ( I dont trust enough that how hes being will last, it will take time of him being this guy for me in order to warm up and let myself have strong feelings for him again. ) And im not sure I would marry him, I see the potential but until I see that with someone, and its on the table I dont want to be a girlfriend.

    So thats just one issue. The other is not knowing what to say when these guys ask me what I did last night, or what I’m going to do, or they ask me out at the same time and expect to be invited somewhere (its not like I can bring them all!) haha this feels crazy to me, I can’t believe this is my problem! I feel guilty though, and weird with not knowing what to say, I feel like it could be taken as being sneaky if they dont know what I’m doing, and since I dont know how to word it to them, ive just been trying to avoid telling them anything, and it just feels wrong…..PLEASE HELP!!!

  26.  #26Michelle on May 12, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    For example….The one guy I had been seeing made a joke about a friend of ours who thinks hes attractive and I said “oh yeah, shes so in love with you..” (this is all through text) and he said “tell her I’m taken”…..I basically avoided the question and continued on with a different topic….but hes def trying to get the point across and thats just one example……