What To Say When He’s Hurt You

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crying-eyeHere’s something that happens all the time – man dates you, then out of nowhere stops calling or otherwise drifts away, then you run into him, have a chat, he tells you his sad story and asks you out again.

You’re mad, you’re attracted, you’re worried, and you don’t know what to say…

Here’s a letter from Lauren (you know I often make up names – so if you discover Lauren is you, perhaps you’ll let us know and we can talk more…)

“Help! I feel completely lost on what I should do.

A guy I had been dating for 6 months disappeared on me in June. I did not contact him at all. He saw me at a function earlier this week. I was leaning way back. He came over to talk to me and began telling me about 3 major issues he had been dealing with for the last four months. He didn’t actually apologize to me – he only explained his situation. I listened to him at level 2. I felt very at ease and confident.

He then asked me out for this weekend. (I really do feel that I want to go.) I said, “yes, that would feel great…” but just as I was also about to tell him how disrespected I felt last summer, our conversation was interrupted by someone and I didn’t get to finish my feelings speech. He just said, “I’ll call you to confirm the time.”

I don’t know what to do. Do I finish my speech when he calls to confirm the time? Do I wait until he picks me up for the date? Do I wait until he takes me home? Do I not bring it up at all at this point and just keep leaning way back and give it time? Should I even go out now? I don’t know.

I felt so disrespected and rejected last June. It took me a few months to heal from that. I’m ok now, but I still feel the need to let him know how I felt by his behavior. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Btw, I have been Circular Dating, so I don’t feel hung up on this guy. Lauren”

Here’s my answer:

Lauren…First – write down what it is you want to express to him. Make it a speech and memorize it.

If you were NOT exclusively with him by verbal CONTRACT – then you were just dating him, and he had NO DUTY to inform you he wasn’t going to call you again. He wasn’t trying to hurt you, he just drifted away.

If you WERE exclusive with him by verbal contract, now you know better (great for you to be Circular Dating and not hung up on this guy…), and so by just asking yourself  “Why was I there exclusively?”  and exploring your answers…you can lessen your anger and frustration at him and at yourself, too, and just see what’s “up” with him.

I would share with him how weird it felt, and expect him to say – “Well, then why didn’t you call me?”

Have your speech ready – do NOT go with “hurt” – but with “confusing” and “weird” and do NOT make him responsible for how you felt — just share what it FELT LIKE.

You may not even like him much once you’re with him, and the speech may have a whole different emotion behind it than what you planned…so practice expressing how you feel in the moment.

This is going to be GREAT practice!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Linda Davis on January 3, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Great advice, Rori!

    I would just like to add that you should think about exactly what you want to experience in your relationship. Once you’ve established the things that you do want out of a relationship, it’ll be easier to focus on the positives of what you DO want, and not on what you do NOT want.

    If you try to express things in terms of what you don’t want, then you are not clarifying the things that you want in a relationship. Express your thoughts in positive terms to be able to get things done specifically.

  2.  #2alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    i like this. i remember reading on here how my degree of anger is related to my investment in the person/situation. this feels true for me. if i keep my level of investment anchored in reality— by matching the level of energy i am receiving from the man/situation—– then i am not all red in the face with anger if it stops working or ends.

    INVESTMENT is a very key concept for me.

  3.  #3Daria on January 3, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    man this EFT is working like fire! i am magic!1 i feel teary and excited!!!!

  4.  #4mary on January 3, 2010 at 8:43 pm

  5.  #5mary on January 3, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    what is EFT? maybe i need to learn it…

  6.  #6mary on January 3, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    i’m wayyyyyyyy behind you guys…

    but watch me learn…

  7.  #7Robin on January 3, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    My fav guy didnt come to church today. I wasnt sure if he was still out of town or not but it was really feeling like he was avoiding me. And I really missed him today @ church. I madethe decision to txt him just that ‘missed you @ church 2day…’ and what feels really cool Is that i didnt feel weird about it. It felt totally authentic and i just felt ok about it. And he responded immediatly & the energy felt good. His words felt good. Not sure what made the dif but i broke my rule & it felt ok & the result felt good.

  8.  #8Robin on January 3, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    I felt ok w it even though it was technically leaning forward- i think. I broke my own rule (bc im just that big & bad) !

  9.  #9dorothea on January 3, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    woah robin i feel blown away by your pretty voice and face!

  10.  #10Daria on January 3, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    my nani feels hungry!

  11.  #11gina on January 3, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    hmmm…so I can think that johnny “drifted” rather than he musta been a psycopathic liar player who is maybe gay. okay. thanks rori. if i see him again, I know what to do. cause, in spite of my judgment, I would wanna know what’s up.

  12.  #12mary on January 3, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    way to go, Robin! sounds like you got a great response.

  13.  #13Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Welcome, Linda, and thank you for your insight. I find that, though we all have ideas of what we want, so many of us tend to tolerate things we don’t want in hopes of getting what we want. Clarity is always great in either case…and I believe we have to develop boundaries around what we don’t want, and be able to verbally express that, before we go around asking for things…because stating what we want can easily turn into convincing, pleading, needy, desperate seeming energies…and I want to clear that up first and foremost. Love, Rori

  14.  #14mary on January 4, 2010 at 12:51 am

    so R and I go round and round.

    and we were talking about what it would be like if we got married, (i know, i’m crazy – one minute i’m marrying him and the next minute i can’t wait to circular date) and how we would do our budget, and the conversation was heavy. it seemed like he was putting me down and saying things about not seeing any evidence from my life that i can live on a budget. i totally ignored those comments.

    and sent him an email:

    R R R R R R R R R R R R R

    I am a high class woman.
    Of course I can live on a budget!
    I learned how in charm school.

    M M M M M M M M M M M

    he loved it.

  15.  #15FEMENERGYLOVE on January 4, 2010 at 1:12 am

    the confusion for me begins when i imagine any kind of exclusivity in my pretty lil head….also its so wonderful to weed out all the bad for you men once you define your boundaries and stick with them.

  16.  #16mary on January 4, 2010 at 1:23 am

    yes, i want to learn to do that, femenergylove.

  17.  #17mary on January 4, 2010 at 1:33 am

    I was asking Tinque why the speeches involve saying what we don’t want, rather than what we do want, and she said that saying what we do want can sound really demanding.

    I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and listening to other people talk about what they want, and you know what? It’s so true. It does sound demanding and needy and a bit whiny. When a person says, “and I DON’T want…” it makes you perk up your ears, and they seem powerful, as though they’ve thought it all through, and they’re weeding things out of their lives, tossing over their shoulders the things that are not necessary for their survival…

  18.  #18alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 2:16 am


    my men

    the ones who have meant anything to me

    have always wanted to control the situation (of us).

    and well, i just don’t always blindly follow others ideas of how things should go down unless we are working as a team and agreeing on things together.

    but these men

    their shenanigans are about control

    their witholding
    their not calling
    their saying they will call and not calling

    and my refusal to be controlled results in:
    the standoff
    the stalemate

    ‘good, then don’t call buddy’
    ‘fine, i’ll find someone else’
    and my ever ready trigger response of “don’t ever call me again”

    i have rendered my words meaningless in these triggering situations. they are not even true. they are just me reaching for my pistol before they get to theirs.

    yet still i will not concede
    to their control tactics

    and so i am in stalemate
    with three men
    i love
    and my father

    but i don’t feel like i love my father anymore
    i never think of him or rarely ever
    yet i am in stalemate with him

    in my mind,
    i am winning


    you don’t get my love (see i am the one withholding- so i am in CONTROL)


    see, i know god gave me this big gift of my big love and it is like sunlight sometimes

    and in my defensive

    these men do not get my sunlight

    and i know in my heart that my sunlight feeds these particular men or whoever it is i end up stalemating with

    yet still

    i’d rather “win”

    and not be controlled. i will not be dominated.

    This is it.

    This is the core of my problems.

    i find myself in situations were people want me to
    do things
    as a subordinate
    or passive player

    and i may be reserved
    but i am nobody’s bitch

    these men don’t want to love me
    they want to control the way they are loved
    they want to control the whole situation

    but their dominant intention is NOT

    how can i love this goddess to the fullest extent of my manliness

    their intent is CONTROL

    and this

    is what i am attracted to

    the eternal replay
    of the initial wound

    (hence my issue with authority figures)

    and i honestly don’t know how to resolve this

    no human on earth has a natural inclination towards wanting to be dominated

    my only solution it seems, is to learn teamwork, cooperation, communication, boundaries, wants, desires, authenticity and


    even without compassion, respect goes a long way

    and the first and most important person i must respect

    is myself

    if i have clear boundaries and i enforce these boundaries then that is a very good first step towards self respect

    and then i can ask myself what i TRULY desire

    do i want to struggle for domination with men (and “win”) (or rather stalemate because neither of us seems to be “winning”)

    or do i desire something else?

    what is my true desire?

    because so far

    my track record shows

    that i just want to choose a man that i can not dominate and then get into some sort of power struggle and refuse to be dominated

    ah yes my life my relationships

    the mirror
    the mirror
    hello self that gets on my nerves!

    and yet i am only “attracted” to this struggle to not be dominated and controlled.
    i do not yet feel “attracted” to teamwork, cooperation and communication.

    or maybe i would be if i could truly experience it

    but how can i, if i haven’t learned these things yet?

    how do i defuse this faulty wiring
    that keeps tripping up my trigger response of

    “and don’t ever call me again”

    disarm me

    what is love?

    i have no idea.

    but i feel pretty certain that self respect and communicating and upholding my boundaries is a pretty good start.

    hello beautiful goddess self, it feels so good to be in your presence twenty four hours a day. i feel lucky and privledged.

    what is love?

    what feels like love to me?

    actually i have an idea.

    it is acceptance.

    and then after that it is icing on the cake.

    what is sexual attraction?

    ah, see. that’s where the fight for domination comes into play.

    that IS the sexual attraction for me.

    so where does this leave me?

    this can change. i am sure of it.

    i do not need to play out this dynamic.

    also i just had one last thought.

    this struggle for domination has been a silent war
    neither party
    revealing their secrets
    or strategies

    but with boundaries and

    i feel
    i don’t want

    the silent war becomes

    conscious decision making in my own best interests.

    thank you.

  19.  #19alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 2:31 am

    my solution is to keep doing what i am doing. i am shifting. i am becoming more who i want to be.

    i am still attracting my mirror but the
    reflection is more pleasing
    because i am more pleasing to myself

    and as i continue to practice my feeling messages
    this silent war of CONTROL
    is losing steam

    because i am no longer activated in the same game

    free therapy
    free therapy
    free therapy

    and focus

    the only thing i need to CONTROL is my focus

    and my responses

  20.  #20FEMENERGYLOVE on January 4, 2010 at 3:14 am

    its actually easier than it seems mary.for me it was thinking and feeling all the horrible moments from my former relationships.desperation.not good enough.giving and then feeling like crap after.then i identified what made me feel that way eg letting him get away with things i wouldn’t even do to myself just to smoothen things out.or to keep him around.also all the advice i would give my girlfriends,why was i not taking it myself?do you know i was so relieved once while on holiday with my boyfriend that i got my period?coz He always went on about how i had such a great ass etc.do you know why i was uncomfortable?because deep down i knew i was a convenient bed mate.He was one of those guys that said stuff like ‘ i know when i get married i’ll cheat’ yes.i’m asking myself what i was doing with him as well.BUT!I LEARNT FROM THAT CHARMING FROG.i dont want to have sex with just anyone.and that i have to feel it in my heart of hearts that i want to have sex with you.this is just one of boundaries.so i met a nice guy and i expressed how i’d like to not have sex for a while.thats just how my inner self feels.it needs some time without sex.i need not to have sex right now.this guy likes me back.but not enough to not have sex with me.so he has asked not to text or speak to each other.i have never been so glad to delete a phone number in my life?why?coz maybe it was all about sex.and because i didnt see him as my life partner anyway.i’m working on it mary.baby steps.love you!xoxo

  21.  #21Flipper on January 4, 2010 at 5:31 am

    Thanks, Rori, for answering LindaDavis about your ‘don’t want’ take on things, which feels so right to me. (Yay, I have the right to Not Want/Not Accept a bunch of stuff I’d always felt I had to accommodate or ‘understand’).

    Being explicit about what I Don’t Want helps me materialize my boundaries, and being able to say it to someone else non-blamingly feels like a good way to show my boundaries and get my message across in a not-too scary way.

    Yes, Linda Davis, positive language is good and breeds more positivism. And we definitely should explore What Exactly We Want, very thoroughly and specifically Within Ourselves, to make it more clear if we’re seeing that or not in our relationships. I see your advice is primarily directed towards married people, who have presumably already exposed this to each other and talked about it, have agreed about common wants. So reiterating these wants is showing that the partners are still engaged in the same way, reassuring the other and reinforcing their prior agreement.

    Even so, with New wants, and especially in New relationships, I feel sticking mostly with Don’t Wants sounds more effective. Coupled with feeling messages that communicate the ‘problem’, they really helps avoid sounding like making the other person wrong, which just shuts down their ability to hear, much less accept. Marking out a few off-limits also leaves the rest of the field clear for the other to find his own solution, with no directing, teaching, moralizing, and this freedom and non-prior judgment feel like much better incentives to work at it.

    Negativity exists and is often bad, yet saying NO is a necessity. How to express my anger and negativity non-destructively? I feel grateful for the permission I’m finally giving myself to feel all that bad and this Fantastic means of expressing it authentically and productively – saying what I don’t want and will not tolerate in my life.

    As for expressing the wants, I feel in everyday situations, these are best expressed by Showing rather that saying them: Doing What I Want For/To Myself. Of course, as far as relationship goals go, these must be discussed in depth at certain points, but always outside of punctual conflicting situations when people are so emotionally flooded they can’t give the question its due.

  22.  #22Flipper on January 4, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Mary, Mary quite contrary. You know what the solution is – you practiced it recently and it did marvels. Just cuz those two blokes revealed themselves to be work (feminine energy guy) or toxic (still not divorced) over time, and thus became UnTherapeutic, doesn’t mean that you didn’t get tons of benefits and feelings of power beforehand. Just means their messages have been delivered, so time to find the next messengers. Studying is all well and good for future finances, but your Boy can do better than that to satisfy the rest of your needs, n’est-ce pas? I feel there’s one sexy, super attractive lady in there who’s not getting her due with all that energy tied up around Someone Else.

    How can I know what I’m thinking if I’m spending all my time on trying to think what someone else is thinking? Especially a man, who doesn’t even spend much time thinking about those things himself? Needles, haystacks anyone?

  23.  #23alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 6:57 am

    flipper i feel clarity and acceptance in your comments. and also support and kindness.

  24.  #24Jennifer on January 4, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Hey Rori…
    What do we say when we’ve hurt him?
    B swears up and down that I’ve humiliated him publicly. I spoke to his aunt about his family and their “taboos” and “secrets”. There seemed to be a mine field of stuff not to talk about or mention but I didn’t have a map.
    I felt like every time I asked about any of the mines I had experienced I got shut down pretty quick. Nobody even b would talk to me. I’d ask “why was your mom so mad about so and so” and he’d snap…”that’s just the way she is”
    Well that’s no help to keep her from getting mad at me if I happen to mention stuff she feels strongly about. And I was warned by B repeatedly not to discuss with her or his father if I was upset with their behavior. He said he would take care of it.
    So I went to the one person who knew all of them and DIDN’T seem to hate my guts. Aunti H.
    As we were having an email exchange last night because he said that I had gone on facebook and spread lies about him. This is not so. I changed my status to single.
    I told him I did call his sister and Aunti H to tell them both that I had left him as I respected them both and didn’t want them to get warped versions of what happened.
    The convo got around to the fact that I had discussed with Aunti H some of my (our) issues. Ie. His mother hating my guts, his father’s woman hating attitude, etc.
    I did mention the porn problem.
    Now he’s furious. He says I’ve humiliated him.
    He says he can’t go home for his birthday cause his whole family will think he’s a pervert. He says he’s going to have to spend his birthday alone and he can’t go home for a while.

    I feel annoyed by this. I feel like the sirens are going to judge but I’m putting it out there anyway.
    Screw him.
    I feel bad that he feels he can’t go home for his birthday but I feel that’s HIS choice. I had this convo with her in the spring and she hasn’t acted differently towards him since.
    I didn’t do this thing to be vengeful with him. I was looking for answers. But really. I have this terrible tape in my head of all the times I’ve been ACTUALLY publicly humiliated by this man or his family. So now he feels I should be sorry for HIM!??!?!!?!? Over something he IMAGINES might be a problem?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    I am not goddess y. I am not floaty and serene. I don’t like when people are mad at me. I feel I should not have spoken to her about the porn but. I feel like “how do ya like that?”
    That wasn’t my intention but now that it’s here..I feel smug.
    Yeah, that’s a bad thing. I feel bad about being smug. But I still feel smug.
    I feel hard and sharp in my shoulders. I feel all the humiliations swirling around in my chest. All of them.
    I can hear every word. I can feel every little cut.
    I feel bad that he feels that way too. But I feel like maybe he sees where i’m coming from?
    Prolly not.
    I am going to EFT tomorrow. Maybe that will get rid of the rage.
    I do feel rageful.
    I feel all the humiliations swirling and the rage is burning in my chest.

  25.  #25Aldonza on January 4, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Ugh, I feel all triggered by his “I’ll call you to confirm.” In my world, that usually ends up me trying to keep prime spots open in my schedule just in case.

    Don’t do this! Assume he isn’t going to call and let yourself be surprised if he does. And don’t turn down other opportunities in the meantime.

  26.  #26gina on January 4, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I feel angry about the likelihood that he’d ask why she didn’t call. and i feel angry about him telling a sad story and not apologizing. I understand that they weren’t exclusive, but it seems like she feels like he did her wrong. and it seems like he knows it deep down. was he just temporarily toxic. what’s up? why did he disappear?

  27.  #27Tracy on January 4, 2010 at 10:38 am

    I feel confused when it comes to this topic…in the past whenever men hurt my feelings….i always pretended i was fine.I talked to them as though nothing was wrong and i feel now that i convinced myself what they did was nothing.
    I notice that for me i feel scared of confrontations and having to express how i feel and the fear that the man may leave.The fear prevents me from being aunthetic and so i shut down how i feel and i smile and suppress my irky feelings
    I only learnt from this blog that its okay to feel bad and sad and scared.I am now learning to allow myself to feel all that i feel….
    I realize that i feel a lot of things…and it varys from time to time and the more i dig deep into myself the more i feel who i really i am and the more aunthetic i become…baby steps

  28.  #28Mary on January 4, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Flipper, Flipper, quite the tipper. Yes! I do know the answer! Circular dating. Thank you for saying so! You’re right – it was quite intoxicating when it happened, there for a brief moment – before it all got out of hand.

    Today I’m gonna call Richard, who called me a while back… and It’s Just Lunch and Four Plus Four. I’m already signed up for these things; I’ve just been putting off going to them. And maybe guy-to-be divorced will call soon. He was hoping to wrap things up by the end of the year. Once agreements are signed and he’s moved (and oh! he bought a house), I think it’s pretty safe to go ahead and date him.

    I think circular dating will give me the power position to state things that I don’t want with R, although I’ve been trying to do that all along. And it will give me some distance from him. We’re too much together at the moment… and it makes me clingy and grabby and totally focused on him. Oh, wow. Am I ever into him.

    Thanks for keeping up with my little saga, Flipper. Your comments to me are always so right-on. You’re a wise siren woman.


    I feel happier today. R called and smoothed out my ruffled feathers – typical R – and, sincere or not, it still felt good! I have a gut feeling that he’s sincere…

    R and I have never been in the situation where we’ve been dating other people as well as dating each other. It’s always been either/or. Hence the back-and-forth. So… this might be very enlightening, and it certainly will take the pressure off! And give us the knowledge that either we want to be together, or we don’t. Brilliant.

    I see it, Rori! It is ingenious!

    Thank you, Flipper.

  29.  #29Mary on January 4, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Alias Girl,

    I love reading your posts. So deep. So insightful. So poetic.

    You listed these things to help when you’re feeling controlled by others: teamwork, cooperation, communication, boundaries, wants, desires, authenticity and respect.

    Here’s one more to consider: humor!

    My ex-husband used to have his little rage attacks. At first they scared me, and I listened attentively, but that only made him madder. Then I tried mirroring him, but I didn’t have a quick temper, and I couldn’t get into the spirit of it, and when I did try it, I didn’t like doing it. Sometimes I just left the room in a display of boundaries.

    But then, one day, when he was yelling at me, and his arms were waving around, and the vein in his neck was popping out and his face was getting really red, I just saw him as Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. Like Buzz, he was going into his little motions “To Infinity, and Beyond!” because he got activated! Something set him off (ME), and he was no longer in control. He was yelling and demanding and doing all those manipulative things because he felt so out of control, and he couldn’t help himself!

    When I saw that, it became a little bit comical and it no longer bothered me (except that it was uncomfortable to go through). I didn’t take it personally and I knew he was out of himself and that there was no way he was controlling me by acting out like that. So it was totally non-threatening, and I had compassion for him.

    I think that having that little bit of humor added quite a few years to my marriage. I’m not saying that’s good! But it was an effective coping mechanism for me.

  30.  #30Mary on January 4, 2010 at 11:17 am

    And it was also a way of keeping my level of serenity and not being affected by his moods. That was really good for me. When he would get activated, I didn’t even try to be in the conversation with him. There was no conversation. I’d look at the clock and think to myself, “How long today? I wonder if I can still get to the grocery store before lunch?” That kind of thing…

    He’s trying to control me? Big deal. I won’t engage… to me, it’s a little bit funny.

  31.  #31Mary on January 4, 2010 at 11:25 am


    Thank you for the explanation! I love this: “the confusion for me begins when i imagine any kind of exclusivity in my pretty lil head.” It sounds like the thing that Simply Shannon said that I quoted before, and I can’t find it right now, but it was something like why would it be normal to jump right into a relationship when you don’t even know the guy?

    Circular dating. Yes.

  32.  #32gina on January 4, 2010 at 11:30 am

    I feel interested in Tracy’s response. I just realized that I’m afraid of confrontation, too, so I have tended too overcompensate by viciously attacking a man. I’m very glad that with Johnny I remained cool, calm and elegant. I did shut him out, which I wouldn’t do again, but at least I didn’t attack.

  33.  #33Robin on January 4, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Dorothea, THANK YOU!!! Thank you so much for your lovely compliment!!! Thank you for visiting the site, and Im so glad you enjoyed the music!!

    Mary, I think you’re doing great! It seems like you have a lot of guys circling around you, and they are clamoring for you…and the beauty of circular dating is that you can take your time deciding which offer you want to take.

    I admire you.

  34.  #34Robin on January 4, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    This feels very interesting-Even though my fav guy’s words and energy felt good last night, I’ve not seen any effort from him to make plans w/ me this week…and we both know he’s back in town.

    So this feels kinda interesting; I really feel like just leaning back and observing what happens from here. I feel curious.

    And whats more, I feel like Im watching from the outside; I dont feel as caught up in whats happening; I feel like I’ve kinda zoomed out, and Ive got a bigger view of whats going on, almost like my Fiery Goddess is watching…and proceeding from there

  35.  #35mary on January 4, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    oh, Robin! Thank you so much. I visited your site and listened to both songs… what a thrilling, beautiful, gorgeous, kaleidoscopic voice you have! And you look like an angel. I’m sure you add a lot to the worship service every Sunday. I used to be on the music team at my church (piano). It was a lot of fun being in the band – especially when we had big productions and lots of musicians! Fun times.

  36.  #36Robin on January 4, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Something else happened that triggered me today.

    Turquoise is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE COLOR!!!!!!!!!!! In the whole world!!! And anybody that knows me for more than an hour knows this..

    A coworker came back from a vacation overseas. She brought a gift for me, a brown scarf, and I felt happy. A minute later she asks me to come in her office, and pulls out a turquoise outfit and says I bought this for Mrs. P’s daughter (Mrs. P happens to be my adopted mom, so this gift is for my sister). Do you thinks she’ll like it?

    I told her it was gorgeous and that I thought she would.

    But as I left, I felt a little pissed, like why would you show that to me when you KNOW that’s my favorite color.

    And so I feel jealous…but mostly annoyed. I feel grateful she brought me something, she didnt have to, but at the same time, I thought surely she had to have thought of me when she was getting that..

    I dont feel guilty for feeling a little jealous and annoyed.

    As I was going through this, I remembered several times when this has happened to me, and it feels very interesting that people have done this sort of thing before…

    It feels like Ive gotten more than my fair share of the short end of the stick.

    And before I would dissolve and fall apart..

    But now Im just feeling a little like, ooh, that feels weird, I wonder why you felt like you needed to do that, are you trying to make me feel jealous and sad?
    Maybe thats jealous energy I feel coming at me…

    Im not sure, but I know that it feels good to not be as concerned about what people do to try to upset me anymore.

    Im just observing this too. Im watching from the outside with clarity.

  37.  #37alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    mary thank you. so much came up for me last night—in a good way. i feel like old worn out beliefs are becoming conscious so i can heal and choose new ones. i feel supported. thank you. i am sure the humor around this issue will come. i can’t quite say it is there yet but i will feel good when it is. 🙂

    and yes circular dating feels like the way to go for me as well. i feel happy you are considering that.

    robin. i feel compassion. i feel good you have more clarity on these kind of situations.

    i learn so much from reading other people’s experiences and insights. thank you, sirens.

  38.  #38Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Robin – Fabulous of you to get clarity and peace around this kind of thing. It happens, and will happen all the time in different ways. So – look at the gifts and what comes your way and see what you might be putting out to make what you receive come to you. Is it possible you aren’t quite willing yet to receive glorious turquoise? If you feel “like I’ve gotten more than my fair share of the short end of the stick” – then take a look at what you’re open to, what you’re receiving…it would seem to me that this is the kind of self-fulfilling prophecy that our old inner Nasty Voice is an expert in. Love, Rori

  39.  #39Tina on January 4, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    oooooh, I said I feel bad about what he said (truck man) I finally experienced in person face to face his “chat anger” lol, I really did laugh I couldnt help it, I didnt offer any assistance to calm him down, I just watched him. A very close family member of his died two days before christmas, I attended the funeral with him. I was ready to write him off, when he called me.

    He was heading to a hockey game with one of his “rough around the edges” buddy and he said to me while his friend was on the phone “oh S said to give you a slap for him hahaha they both broke up in laughter thinking it was quite funny, I of course didnt laugh and waited for him to get off the phone to tell him so. I was stunned because he never said anything like that before to me. While he was talking really fast and getting angrier by the minute, I just said to him a few times, ” I dont feel heard”, his response was WHAT! I told him I DONT WANT to sleep in the same bed with a man that speaks to me that way, he walked off in the other room and sat down, while I continued getting ready to for my shopping trip. He finally broke the silence and said ‘come here” which I did, he asked me how I felt, I said I feel heard and ok, I had made my feelings known and that was that done, finished over end of story. He got up and and shoveled the snow off the steps , got the truck ready, then he said ” I cant help but feel there the drama is not over with you, I said what drama , there is no drama, I said throwing a plate across the room and smashing it on the wall is drama.

  40.  #40Tina on January 4, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    We ended up later on that evening staying up for most of the night talking, he said I can understand why you feel the way you feel about that kind of language. He wants to be “exclusive” haha. I had to remind him of my marriage situation , he said he doesnt care, that it was just minor, that there was many ways to work around it, he said “well we can make you a widow” haha no I said its ok, that was funny…

  41.  #41Tina on January 4, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    I just checked my email from dating site I joined and this guy wants me to give him a second chance , I honestly dont remember emailing him at all. I dont remember giving him a first chance sheesh.

  42.  #42tinque on January 4, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    “I said what drama , there is no drama, I said throwing a plate across the room and smashing it on the wall, this is drama.”
    Tina – LOL This is brilliant.

  43.  #43Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Insight appreciated:
    TN man (met online five months ago, not in person yet, text every day) just unfriended me from facebook without any warning. When I discovered this, I felt deeply hurt and shut out, and figured he was no longer interested in me. So, after feeling my feelings (confusion, sadness, anger, etc.) and contemplating various reactions and responses, I decided I would let him go gracefully, as I am circular dating and determined from the start not to become addicted to him (tempting as that has been!), and I texted him this: “Thanks for the fun and everything you taught me. I wish you well. (And stay away from those cats!) xoxo”
    (His last text to me was about his allergic reaction to his sister’s cats.) My words were completely sincere, in spite of the heartache I was feeling.

    Well, about an hour later, he texted me this: “I am not ending our relationship silly. I just felt you could use a break from my fb page. 🙂 xoxxo” Then, a minute later, “I am not upset with you or anything.”

    That was a few hours ago, and I have not yet responded because I don’t understand this at all. We have been fb friends from the beginning, but I never post anything to his page any more — just private message and text. I do look at his page sometimes, and sometimes mention things from there when I text him (but there is not a whole lot of action on his page anyway). Also, I did recently become fb friends with some of his (female) fb friends because of common interests.

    So, a few observations:
    1. I was very surprised he used the word “relationship.” I have been hesitant to even think about it in those terms. But, to be honest, it felt GOOD.

    2. It feels bad to hear him say “I just felt you could use a break from my fb page.” That feels icky and controlling. It also feels dishonest.

    3. It feels like a red flag that he doesn’t want me seeing his page. Feels like he is trying to hide something, not being open. The most obvious possibility is that he has a “relationship” with several of his fb friends and doesn’t want us to find out about each other. However, I have been open with him about circular dating and never indicated to him that I expected him not to date other women at this point (especially since we haven’t even met), so I wouldn’t think he would feel the need to hide it. Is there any possible explanation for this that makes it NOT a red flag?

    4. Ironically, the few days prior to this involved some of the most positive, open, and “moving forward” conversations we’ve had yet. He had become very direct about his thoughts and feelings toward me, and talked about making plans to meet. I was feeling really GOOD about him.

    I would love to hear from some of you about this situation. Part of me just wants to let him go since I have already started to do that. It seems like it would be easier now than later. Another part of me feels deeply attracted to him on so many different levels, and that part of me does NOT want to let him go!


  44.  #44mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    But Melanie, this is a guy you haven’t met yet, and you’re talking about letting him go or not letting him go? I think Rori has a post about something like that. Does she call it an imaginary relationship? Because it seems like you’re not in a relationship until you’ve met, gone on lots of dates, and decided to try to work things out, just the two of you. In Rori’s book, that means “ring on the finger,” and happy about it (the most important part.) So, viewed like that, maybe you don’t have a dilemma at all? Keep him or not? Maybe you don’t have him yet!

    But I know – that’s just semantics. I’m in the spirit of what you’re asking. And it seems to me that you just keep on keeping on, because there is a lot of potential there for you!

    I love the part about stay away from those cats! That is sooooooooo cute!

  45.  #45mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about the face book page. Just get on your horse and ride (oh, so easy for ME to tell YOU that, when I can’t even do it myself!)

  46.  #46mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    I wouldn’t even respond to his texts. Make him call you! haha

  47.  #47gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Uh oh. problems with A already….earlier he asked if I want to hang out tonight and I said yes. He said he’d get in touch with me after he had some meeting. He did call me, and he asked if I’d like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the b-b-q place they were headed. I said yes, but then I realized that I’d have to drive there. It’s nearby, but I don’t feel like driving to him, especially when there are other men involved. no deal. I knew I didn’t want to while I was on the phone with him, but I wanted to wait till I figured out what to say. So I texted “When you asked, I confused Railhead for a place downtown. I don’t feel like getting back in my car…” Which is true. But not AS true as “I’d like to hang out, but I don’t like to drive to men ever. and i won’t want to pay. yet I feel guilty, cause I know you don’t make much money.” but i couldn’t bring myself to say that. he texted back “well, I’ll be turning in after some bbq and brews cause I’ve been staying out late a lot lately. let’s meetup another time?” I feel like calling it all of right now…just saying “i’m too high matenance, this wont work.” be surprised be surprised be surprised…

  48.  #48alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    tina i also feel amused at your plate against-the-wall analogy.

    melanie i feel supportive but i don’t know exactly how to respond. i feel convoluted while reading the comment. i feel chaos and wanting to shut down. i like to trust my instincts. because more times than not they are accurate. also i like to keep my level of investment grounded in the reality of the situation if i can. the vibe i get is that you are heavily invested in this “relationship”. certainly it is a relationship of sorts but what type of relationship would you say it is? really?

  49.  #49Linda on January 4, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    I feel interested in understanding how to respond when I get hurt by words or deeds. In the case of this post, I certainly understand why Lauren could feel hurt. I have been there and felt the same.At the same time I agree with Rori, that unless there was a verbal commitment fo exclusivity between them… her right to feel that way might be ascew. It has taken me a long time to understand and feel my way through dating and setting boundries. I have often found myself offended at things I should have not let bother me. There are times to give a speech and times sit on it. Discerning often requires me to be very still, not say anything and listen. The time to share what we need to say always presents itself and I have found that if I spend the time getting my head on straight, feeling through it. I will be given the time and know when to deliver what I need to say.

    Last year was full of finding my way and slaying internal dragons that did not serve me or my goals well. I have become well aquantied with my warrior woman and freed my drama queen to speak up in my life too. I feel balanced, steady, expectant, grateful and peaceful today, not at all like I did this time last year.

    Mr S and I are still going strong. He is remains communicative and open. The more I lean back the more he rows. I could become frustrated with the speed of his rowing but he indeed rowing. His speech and demeanor and body language is different toward me. THe biggest thing is when he looks at me…his gaze is not hollow anymore. He is present and there. It feels wonderful. It is as if he is discovering and looking at me for the first time. His mindset is shifting from “me” and “single” to “we” and “couple”. It is evident in his speech….What am I doing different? When he extends affection and attention or concern, I melt into him. I listen to his disappointments and challanges but I no longer extend energy to make it better or offer advice, I just listen. When we talk or I am sharing, I ask him what he thinks and he not only tells me that but then goes so far to shares what he feels too. It opens him up like magic.

    Weeks ago, I had my say, via email…I waited for the right time. It came when I didn’t care what his response was.I was not looking for my words to sway him or gain his approval. I simply told him my truth. It was freeing and validating. Funny… when I stopped looking for or desiring his approval… he began giving it. When I stopped seeking his expressions love, he began giving it. When I have accepted his rejection of me and moved on… he didnt want me to go too far. When I gave him his freedom and space and encouraged to get on his feet, claim his ground, he now finds it is empty and seeks me out to share that his space with me.

    THere are many bridges to cross, and slates to prove cleared, but under all that there is this beautiful authentic thing between us that just flows and letting it grow and mature is proving fruitful in a good way.

    Yes this man hurt me and put me thru a difficult year…. but and I told him so….his stuff and struggles showed a light on and triggered me and resulted in personal growth for me that really needed to happen. Is he capable of hurting me again? Absolutely. Is he capable of stepping up and making a commitment to me? Absolulety! So far, the jury is out for me but in the meantime, I am absolutely going to be present in each moment today and keep being me… communicating my truth and upholding my boundries. If this goes nowhere I will be okay and if it goes somewhere I will be okay too. That peace inside me is new and feels warm and secure. To coin a phrase priceless.


  50.  #50mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    well, i think i would have joined him for BBQ! i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE BBQ! and i would have loved to have met his guy friends! very happy to be invited. and i don’t mind driving every now and then. but that’s just me!

    how can i support YOU? you sound a little upset and not so happy. what do you really want? do you want him to come pick you up? not to be spontaneous with his friends and with you?

  51.  #51mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    gina, that was written for you! (little heart symbol here)

  52.  #52mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    alias girl, i see how you responded to melanie. i’m learning from you! thx.

  53.  #53Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Thanks, Mary. I appreciate and feel good about your semantics/spirit observation. Whatever you call it, the question is, do I continue to communicate with him or just STOP.

    I feel happy that you said the part about the cats was cute. 🙂

    Another thing I should mention is that he has some asperger’s, and my therapist said the main way that will affect me in interacting with him is that I will have to learn not to take things he does personally. That is a hard one! So, is the facebook thing an asperger’s issue??? Something that FEELS personal, but really isn’t because it’s coming from his asperger’s?

  54.  #54Lisa on January 4, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Off-topic, but I was reading a Nov. post on really Bad Toxic Men, and someone said,

    “And if you have experienced an abusive relationship in the past … this guy’s behavior probably feels decent to you. He gets to say he’s “not leading you on” since he’s telling you the “truth” about other women… AHHHGGGGHHH!!! And this cycle can seem SO Endless!”

    This was so illuminating. I had been calling his bad behavior “acceptable” as at least it was evident to me. But, it was only “evident” because he would leave the condoms in a drawer where they could be found, and he told enough people about his cheating that it would inevitable come back to me, and how I was only a “business partner,” etc. This after 7 years!!!

    So amazingly, I felt that by being able to “see” the offensive behaviors that it was somehow. o.k. Somehow, I still had power, because I could pull back my emotions accordingly. How crazy that all seems now, that continual calibration of intimacy vs. distance.

    Reality: There was no intimacy, because there was no real honesty. Only offense, and discovery and revelation of offense. When we have been raised in a toxic environment, it is amazing how much we will take, and we will call it “strength”, or “resilience”. Really, it is just wasting my time.

    I can see that my own fear of intimacy was protected by being in this abusive and cold “relationship”. As Rori has said, we hire him to abuse us. That’s about the size of it.

    He may be an SOB, but as my SOB was fond of saying, “No one’s nailing your feet to the floor.”

    Fucking A.

    I am so furious recalling all of the cruelty, from the first year on. I appreciate my anger and disgust.

  55.  #55Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    AG, thanks for your support. As far as the type of “relationship,” I will say this: most of the time our interactions feel really really good, he is nurturing, nourishes my soul in many ways, teaches me a lot, and really seems to appreciate and value me. My instincts are usually good, too, but the one thing that confounds them for me is FEAR. Whenever I feel afraid (in this case, afraid of things not working out), my instincts tell me to shut down, give up, or run away. So, that sounds like fear talking, rather than my true instincts.

  56.  #56alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    melanie i guess my question was:

    are you boyfriend/girlfriend?

    phone friends?

    dating each other?

    what kind of relationship would you describe it as if you had to define it to your friends?

    i understand you are emotionally invested in this. but What are you invested in? what is the relationship?

    mary your energy feels so sweet. thank you for your support. i feel appreciative of your presence.

  57.  #57gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Thanks Mary. Yeah…I could go. With A, I feel like I could do things like drive to meet him and it would be fine – I know he’ll treat me nice. And tonight, he asked me for help with a flier, and I know that he really would appreciate my input. So, in a way, it feels really nice to be around a guy who feels sweet and tender and attractive, but like a friend. But he smokes a lot and doesn’t make much money, and so I don’t feel completely attracted, and the lack of chivalry makes me feel a little less attracted. So even though I feel a little bummed about not hangin out with him tonight, I don’t feel inspired to put forth effort.

  58.  #58Linda on January 4, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I met a man that was on my circular dating route in November and was seeing him alot for about 5 weeks.

    I had shared a bit of my disappointment in the character of men during the intial stages of our meeting. Indicated that great difference between their talk verses action. I was guarded in my heart but open to having fun with him and we did. He had sent me an email saying how much he like me and wanted to get to know me better…. and to please give him a chance, because he was NOT like the other men out there OHHHH red flag lol but I just let it run its course. Guess what. After days of being pursued and texted and having fun and dropping my guard a bit….and feeling attraction to him… he disappeared. Have not heard from him since Christmas day. LOL….. Different? how would that be? Was he trying to convince me or himself? Always saying that the jerks out there made it hard on guys like him. So I gave him room to prove it or not.

    I am resolved to not take this stuff personally anymore. You know what? There are lots of starters in a race, but reaching the end and finish line is yet to be seen. If I was betting, I would have lost all my money . I think I will just sit back and watch. I have learned so much doing that. THe man I would have not bet on… well he is surprising me but…. the days ahead will prove that too. Sometimes winning requires us to take an all in risk and follow my gut. I am doing that with S and hoping for the best.


  59.  #59Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    AG, I think I kind of described it in my first post tonight: texting, emails, etc. daily for five months, haven’t met yet (10 hours drive btwn us), no commitment, but lots of mutual interest on all levels. I have not been calling it a “relationship” — HE called it that today (which, of course, does not make it so. 🙂 )

    To my sister and my best friend, I call it: this guy in TN who I really like, who I have been communicating with for a few months, who really seems to like me, and I have no idea if anything will ever come of it but I hope I get to meet him and find out.

  60.  #60alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    so your question is if you should end communication with “this guy in TN who I really like, who I have been communicating with for a few months, who really seems to like me, and I have no idea if anything will ever come of it but I hope I get to meet him and find out.”

    why would you end it?

  61.  #61Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    I feel like texting him, saying: “I feel really horrible about being unfriended from fb.” But I am afraid that that will feel bad to him and then he won’t want to keep things going with me. I don’t want to be a “downer” to him.

  62.  #62Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    AG, I would end it because I feel hurt and confused by him unfriending me from facebook. I feel like it means something bad that he did that. I don’t like the way it feels.

  63.  #63mary on January 4, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    i’m wondering about making friends with his girlfriends on facebook. i’m not on facebook, so what do i know?

  64.  #64dorothea on January 4, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    woah the bachelor right now feels like a rori raye case study extravaganza

  65.  #65Rachel on January 4, 2010 at 8:38 pm


    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so encouraging to hear how things are turning around for you. I am learning daily how to release, stop expecting certain things, stop hinting/begging for expressions of love, etc. It is so hard. But I know that it’s the only hope for this relationship.

    I want to find the freedom that it sounds like you have. Thank you for sharing!

  66.  #66Tina on January 4, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Alias girl, I like your post CONTROL but with feelings he he. I would find myself convincing myself that I deserve this attention, I feel like I’m playing him for a sucker when he cooks for me, takes me shopping, buys me stuff, tells me about the home we are going to build, I have no doubt he means what he says, he has the means no doubt, he is very sharp, intelligent, no dummy that’s for sure. I feel good to be back home, I cant take that much pampering 🙂 I feel out of control, not dominate, I start to feel smothered and I feel angry and annoyed , that was in the past, now I feel just like taking it all in and enjoying what he gives me. He did use the L word, after our ” talk”, he says he loves me, that he has since we met so I dont know.

  67.  #67Tina on January 4, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Melanie, I feel abandoned

  68.  #68Tina on January 4, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Dorothea, I dont watch tv but I wished I had cable right now to watch the Bacholor.

  69.  #69alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    melanie if iunderstand correctly, you are considering ending it because it felt horrible. but not that excited about sharing with him how horrible you felt because of fear he might end it with you.


  70.  #70Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Yes, AG, that is right. I feel *partially* rejected by what he did, but if I tell him how bad I feel about it, I am afraid he will end it, so then I will feel *completely* rejected. Better to end feeling partially rejected than completely rejected.

  71.  #71alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    tina i feel so good you are letting the pampering in!

    i hear you dorothea. now that i am clued into rori’s ideas i see relationships on reality shows and i feel cringing sometimes. it’s like LEAN BACK! lean back!

    hey i am at california pizza kitchen right now. doesn’t sound like a big deal, i know. but it was ingrained iin my head how much cheaper it is to eat at home so i rarely ever order take out or go to restaurants. 🙁 my entire life. scrimping.

    no more. that was my past. i feel good to spend moeny on yummy prepared food! money comes to me easy breezy anyway. there is always more. always always. never has there benn a time that more money did not just come to me on it’s own. it’s like i am it’s lover and it can’t stay away from me. i love you too money! we have sooo much fun together!

  72.  #72alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    if it the demise anyhow then a possibility is to use this opportunity to practice feeling messages with someone your all gaga for. it’s like rori’s advanced course. 🙂 much easier to practice on online guy you’re not interested in.
    anyway. whatever you choose to do i feel supportive.

  73.  #73alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    meaning much easier for ME to practice with an online guy i have no established relationship with.

    argh. i feel muddled and confusing.

    i used to feel Terrified to practice feeling messages in situations with people that Mattered to me so much.

  74.  #74Melanie on January 4, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    yes, AG, I understand. And I am terrified to practice on him because he Matters too much to me. 🙁 I feel like crying.

  75.  #75Melany on January 4, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I would appreciate if you clarify this. In a relationship the man always telling the woman that she wears the pants and he prefers to play the feminine role. The woman agrees to play the masculine role. How far is ‘leaning back’ for the woman in such a role? For example should she be doing most of the calls, planning of events, initiating things etc ?

  76.  #76Tina on January 4, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Alias girl, yes have fun with money, money loves you. Enjoy your pizza!

  77.  #77Robin on January 4, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Mary, THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you so much for taking a look at the songs and the site! Im so glad you liked it!

    It felt so good to hear that you play the piano! What style is your favorite? It is so fun to work with lots of other musicians! It really is a very cool experience!

  78.  #78Robin on January 4, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Rori, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for reading and responding to my comment.

    It feels interesting to consider this. I would have thought about it regarding turquoise. I certainly buy it for myself as much as I can, but Im noticing that Im only allowing myself SO MUCH of certain things, the big ticket items that I want in my life, the relationship and marriage, a fabulous singing career, being debt-free and financially stable beyond my wildest dreams, owning my own home.

    In other words, being successful beyond my wildest dreams…Im feeling apprehensive about success, even though thats what I want and am working toward myself

    But I guess, Im also working against myself on some level, somewhere below the surface, in my subconscious.

    I remember telling myself at New Years that 2010 would be even BETTER than 2009, and a voice said, no, its just gonna stay at the level your are at now, we’re just gonna stay here for a while, and my body feels scared of moving beyond this level of happiness, this is ABOUT as happy as I’ve ever been, about as happy as I was in my early childhood, and so my body doesn’t know what’s beyond this, so I feel scared.

    And yet Im called to be happier than this.

    This isnt as good as it gets.

    I remember thinking that this year would be incredible, better than last, that I’d see much more financial stability and progress, and see my singing career take off, and that I’d get my ring and get married. I immediately felt tense, and a voice in my head said, ‘no, you’re not getting married this year, we’ll think about it in 2011. And no, you’re only gonna make such and such, only a little bit of progress

    And Im having trouble dispelling this voice.

  79.  #79Robin on January 4, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    This voice takes on the shape of a tall warlock-looking guy who is VERY tall and skinny. He reminds me of my grandfather in that I can tell he’s there to provide protection for me. All he wants to do is protect me, but sometimes he can be a little harsh and constricting with me.

    I had to bring in my fiery goddess, who wears red leather. She reminds me of a dominatrix, or a take no prisoners wonder woman. My goddess is the sh$%!!!! I love her!!! She told the guy, “no, this year, RIGHT NOW.”

    But I still didnt believe it, it still didnt feel true in my heart, I still can feel the doubt and fear holding me back.

    I finally had to bring in the voice of God (shoulda done this first!) And I FINALLY felt more peaceful. I remembered as New Years started, how difficult the past decade had been for me, almost ten years to the date, and how it felt like a release, like I had put in my time, and that now all the bad stuff was/is over, and that things will be getting better at lightning speed.

    It reminded me of the feeling I get at church on Easter morning; the battle is done, the victory won.

    …Im still going back and forth though…this fear doesnt want to die.

    Does anyone have any specific tool suggestions that may be particularly helpful with this???

  80.  #80Tara on January 4, 2010 at 10:58 pm


    So you and FB guy have never met, and, we hope, are not exclusive in any way? Then there is at least a possibility he is conducting romantic relationships (or maybe just flirting) with one or more of these other female FB friends. If you and they start communicating, that could get really awkward for all — especially him!

    And there’s always the possibility that all of you could end up deciding that he’s a player and not worth your time (also, you all could easily create some huge public humiliation if he did turn out to be playing more than one of you). It’s a no-win scenario for him, even if his intention is only to see where the various relationships go.

    Yeah, I would feel hurt, too, but maybe your communicating with his other female friends was seen as crossing the line. I might feel uneasy and maybe a bit threatened if my potential BF was talking to my guy FB pals. Who knows what he could be asking them — or telling them?

    This is a big reason I am very inactive on FB. It’s just too painful to see what the guy is up to. Ex-BF Steve (married dude –recently had a baby with wife Jane, who beats the hell out of him) has a page. His birthday is there but there is no mention of his relationship status, his wife, or his (baby & teens) 3 kids. I was appalled and astounded by the number of female co-workers and “friends” who leave nearly-flirtatious messages on his wall; this is ongoing. Now I just don’t go there anymore.

    Is it significant that he doesn’t mention rel status, wife, or kids on his FB? He hasn’t bothered to post a photo, either, and his activity is sporadic.

    (Curiously, while he was “so busy” in Dec. he found time to accept 5 friend requests — all from women!).

    Rori’s question about what we are open to receiving really got me thinking: What AM I open to receiving, really?
    I’m still fighting with the idea that my soulmate has rejected/will reject me and that it’s all my fault, so I’ll be doomed to live the rest of my life without *him*.

    I felt sadness well up in my chest and face earlier today. I felt it burn through my heart and rise up through my mouth and eyes, starting tears.

    He texted me Dec. 30 but not the 31st and didn’t even bother to wish me a happy New Year. Last New Year’s he asked me what I did for the evening and what I wore to bed. Grrrr….
    Memories of what was going on last year at this time keep surfacing and I feel them behind my eyes, in my chest, in my lungs, on my lips.
    Last year we had our first kiss in Dec. This year we didn’t even see each other THE ENTIRE MONTH because he was “swamped” with end-of-year work.

    I am angry at him and I love him still.

    I miss what we had as a couple but I don’t want him as a BF or lover while he’s still married to Jane. And yet, I do — badly. But I would want to set boundaries until he was divorced.

    I’m frustrated. I’ve tried to refocus on my life and my stuff every time he crosses my mind. It is NOT getting any easier.

    What I am doing is NOT initiating texting, NOT telling him “Love you,” not suggesting we get together for coffee any more. For me this is hugely leaning back.

    There are auditions this week for the theater where we both do shows. He told me a few weeks ago that he’s taking 18 credits Spring semester (online) plus working full-time and taking care of his family (he does all the cooking, chores, and baby care) so there’s no way he’ll audition.

    My jealous, angry self says, “I bet he auditions anyway if he thinks I won’t be in it.” (And I WON’T get cast, because all 4 of the female parts are for ages 20-30). He WILL get cast because there are never enough men and the show has 7 male roles in his age range.

    I have NO IDEA what to do about this. Should I audition? I want to be in the show, but am not sure I can handle being in it with him and acting like “Just Friends” when I’m still in love with him.
    Should I text him to find out if he plans to go? I want to see what he says — versus what he does.

    I realize part of me doesn’t trust this man, and had doubts even though I had the feeling he really did love me.
    I never felt I was good enough for him — he’s 11 years younger, devilishly handsome, charming, intelligent, passionate, and funny. Women constantly make themselves available to him, treating him like a major prize even when they know he’s married and just had a baby. And yeah, my deeeep daaarrrkkk fear is that now that we’re pretty much done, he’ll take up on the sly with some other lady in the cast — one who will be more confident and laid-back than me, and he’ll end up leaving Jane to marry her (unless she dumps him first).

    My lack of trust frustrated both of us back when we were together, even though he never responded to any of the other women while in relationship with me, and repeatedly told me I was “the one” and he wanted to marry me & spend the rest of his life with me.

    Unfortunately, I ruined all that by being insecure, needy, and demanding. He didn’t say that, but we both knew it was the case.

    He never actually “broke up” with me so we are in this weird “no-man’s” land.

    Yeah, I know: He’s unavailable because he’s married and toxic because his wife abuses him.

    I have been visualizing “riding the horse” every day, and have been spending holiday with family, very busy, and yet he’s still so much in my heart.

    I sense I’m not open to him because of my fear of rejection and my insecurities. I’m not open to anyone else because my gut still tells me he’s “it.”

    I am following the emotions, writing them down, seeing where they go. But they all seem to come back around in the same tangled knot.

    Wow — I just read back over what I wrote. If he does take up with another lady in the cast, that makes him a serial cheater. If he leaves Jane for her — after telling me he couldn’t leave bcuz of the kids — that makes him a liar, too.

    If he tells me he isn’t going to audition, and then does it anyway, that also makes him a liar.

    Maybe Steve is not such a prize.

    And maybe he will end up treating the next Mrs. X like a queen & being utterly devoted to her. I could see that.

    I am soooo confused!

  81.  #81Tara on January 4, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Although, since none of those things have happened yet (or not happened), we really don’t know, do we?

    For somebody who walks an alternative spiritual path, I’m not doing well in the intuition area!


  82.  #82dorothea on January 4, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    I just adopted my friend’s fish and frogs..i feel terrified they’ll die from the big move to my place. They look so beautiful here in the tank. I feel like painting the tank in love.

  83.  #83Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    Tara – as I read your comment, I was taken back in my own life, to my theater days, where you were always around the man who just broke your heart…onstage, backstage, at parties…and I remember what it felt like and what my mind was like…and just so completely identified with where you’re at. Here’s the thing…for me (perhaps different for you) I remember it as an isolated, insulated, incestuous time where I did not know there was a complete other world – MANY other worlds where people had completely different interests and treated each other completely differently – where I, as an actress, was exotic and amazing and different rather than one among so many. I am totally amazed, as I look back at “What was I doing there?” so many times. I look back and it feels like a stage in my development as a person where I had only a piece of the vision I have now, and so I can only imagine that I now only have a piece of the vision I could one day have…and that that’s only a piece of the vision that is truly what there is…both out there and in here, in my own body, mind and heart. I urge you to switch course. To find a different theater, different kinds of creative outlets, different classes, different gym, different things to do that take you away from your normal stomping grounds. Let me know how that feels for you. Love, Rori

  84.  #84Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Yeah, Robin – the Nasty Voice is a tricky sort. Do you have my Heart Connection Toolkit? It’s a smaller program that sometimes gets lost among all the bigger ones – but it has the “Body Dialogues” in it, and everyone who has it says they pop it in their car and listen to it non-stop (especially the second disc – it’s like me guiding you over and over, in a bunch of different ways, to believe you can have what you want, and that it’ll be good for ALL when you do). It’s a pure self-esteem booster (with lots of small Tools and scripting exercises) and might help you a lot. For now – expect to receive turquoise from the world. Love, Rori

  85.  #85alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 12:06 am

    melanie what if it was your husband? am i not going to learn how to have difficult conversations with people i love? am i not going to be authentic with my husband for fear of losing him?

    how would that possibly work?

    plus feeling messages are so non blaming.

    perfect that this is falling under rori’s post “what to say when he’s hurt you”

    xoxo for you melanie

  86.  #86mary on January 5, 2010 at 12:37 am

    Tara, I love Rori’s idea to expand your world.

    AG: “i used to feel Terrified to practice feeling messages in situations with people that Mattered to me so much.”

    You’re a pro now!

    It seems to me that feeling messages are intimate, and that they build bridges, and that it does take a lot of bravery to deliver them.

    I’m learning. Thought I knew it all, but obviously I’m still a novice. I feel… um… I don’t even know how I feel about that…

  87.  #87mary on January 5, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Tara, I didn’t want that to sound demeaning. I meant that I was tracking along with what Rori said, and it felt good to think of you changing your surroundings with the hope that that’ll make you feel energized and more in charge of your life.

    I’m gonna do that by forcing myself to go out with other guys. I don’t really want to! I am totally hung up on R. But even R doesn’t know if he can do it… so… in my situation, I don’t see that I have a choice. Because I would like to be happily married someday.

    Someday soon! which means I need to get proactive now!
    I just spent the evening with R, and loved every minute, so… I don’t want to think about it any more tonight.

    I’ll think about it tomorrow…

  88.  #88Tina on January 5, 2010 at 12:47 am

    I cant do this grrrrrrrr. Tinque I feel bad now. I feel like creating drama.

  89.  #89Tina on January 5, 2010 at 1:15 am

    My feelings of jealousy came up again tonight while talking to “truckman” grrr, I feel I was provoked , if that makes any sense. He told me about a female police officer who has trouble keeping her pants up while her fiance is stationed somewhere for 9 months, as recently as a few days ago. He told me he wanted to “help her” and take her to a place so she can “heal” . She was the one that initiated the call for help, so his friend recommended him grrrr. She showed off her pics of her vagjayjay to others at a party that she was sending her fiance.

    He said he wanted to tell me first, I said why would you tell me that? this is just so not feeling or looking good. I feel like he is trying to rope me in to a commitment and I feel pissed off. I told him I would continue dating other men and that he was free to do what ever he wanted. I reminded him about what I said how I felt about sharing my time or attention with other women, I did not feel good about this, he then said well asked me before I got off the phone if “we” were in a relationship, I said I feel bored and told him I had to take the decorations off my tree. I didnt feel like talking about it right now because I am feeling really pissed off about the whole thing, him, me, her, the whole world. He apoligized for bringing it up or asking me, I feel fucken pissed off grrrrrrrrr.

  90.  #90Tina on January 5, 2010 at 1:17 am

    I got off the phone, he called me back twice like wht the hell, does he like to torcher me or what? I’ve known him for two months, we have sex now this grrrrrrrr.

  91.  #91Tina on January 5, 2010 at 1:21 am

    As ridiculously as it sounds I still feel jealous. I feel good and really much better just hanging out here with all of you 🙂 I”m eating bacon and eggs , I dont care.

  92.  #92Tina on January 5, 2010 at 1:29 am

    He is not in a position to ‘help” I feel so fucken offended its not funny and his ex who has not spoken to him in the past 3 yrs is making contact through a friend of his now. I’m done, finished, I cant win grrrrr

  93.  #93Tina on January 5, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Now this part is funny though, he said he has never had sex longer than ten minutes lol, he is very much likeing about (almost an hour) intimate sexual relationship, I just cut him the fuck off! He is kissing me the way I like to be kissed, this took almost a week to accomplish, grrr

  94.  #94Tina on January 5, 2010 at 2:14 am

    I have tools, I have tools, I have tools, I cant think right now, i cant think, I feel jealous, I feel like writing him off, right now, just like that poof gone, Im going to go out singing and date myself tomorrow night thats what I’ll do. I feel my power , I havnt completely lost it, I dont want to wait until ive completely lost all of my senses.

  95.  #95Katie on January 5, 2010 at 5:27 am

    One of the biggest obstacles for me is connecting to the present moment.

    And feeling messages, those too are difficult to come to for me.

    SO in line with the New Year letter in Rori’s last post I am turning this habit on it’s head. I FEEL so positive because I am discovering how to connect to the moment and feelings. It’s a re-learning and re-writing of old habits.

    What I am doing is simply asking myself what I feel throughout the day at odd times. I am a beginner here on this site and it’s fantastic! It’s working and I have called what I am doing the ‘Moment by Moment Academy’ and I am keeping a 90 day journal on feelings. The idea is to get out there and EXPAND whilst keeping an intense internal focus on how I feel. Using as many tools as I can everyday.

    I recently read the brilliant book – ‘Eat,Pray, Love’ – and I guess the ‘pray’ part is what I am doing now. I am letting the past go (including The Ex) and finding my own soulfulness. It’s good.

  96.  #96Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 6:37 am

    I’m feeling frustrated this morning. My Guy A, who i basically ended things with about a month ago, came roaring back last week. Lots of emails, chatting, etc. (he’s long distance so no face time). I did well and kept my “cool.” He started saying things that I’d been wanting him to say… was very caring… but I was afraid to get my hopes up.

    So… now I haven’t heard from him since New Year’s Eve! Just a little note on Messenger saying he was sorry he missed me. I’m leaning back and not contacting him first. But I’m feeling the old sadness, rejection, longing creeping in.

    Part of me wants to just cut him off completely. I’m tired of the hot/cold/hot/cold routine. But another part of me doesn’t want to end things in case he just needs time to work things out in his own mind.

    What someone said yesterday about matching the level of energy I’m receiving from him helped a lot. That’s what I’ve been doing. BUT, I’m starting to feel myself slipping back into the anger and hurt.

    I am circular dating and have a great Guy B who is really “showing up.” And I do care for him. But Guy A still is the one I’d prefer to be with if it worked out.

    I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t want to go through this day with this ache inside. I’ve ached SO MANY DAYS waiting for this man to row the boat. I don’t understand why he was rowing like crazy last week and now… nothing! I didn’t do anything wrong this time! At least that part feels good!

    Thanks for listening!

  97.  #97Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 7:14 am


    I so connect to what you shared about remembering “last year” at this time. Last year, I sent him Christmas pictures and he immediately responded how beautiful I was, how he wished he could have been with me, etc.

    This year, I sent them again and he just said… “Cool. I’m impressed with your technical ability.”

    Unfortunately, I was with him a year so I have memories for every holiday, every season… and it’s hard to remember how connected we were last year and to feel the distance this year.

    So now, I’m doing things “right” and not initiating anything… but it still hurts and it’s not getting better with time!

  98.  #98Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 7:31 am

    Here is the tug-of-war going on in my head now…

    “I’m going to ignore him today. I’m not going to spend any energy thinking about him or checking email or anything. I’m going to do fun things that keep me busy. If he’s not in front of me, he’s invisible!”

    “Oh… but our only way to communicate is through email or chat. If I don’t check in, I could miss him. He could write or want to chat”

    “Well.. that would be ok. He would know that you aren’t just sitting around waiting for him”

    “But he DID show up on messenger last night looking for me. That should count for something.”

    “But he could have used the time he would have chatted to write you an email. He knows that you like to hear from him. All you got was a little note saying he was sorry he missed you.”

    “Well should I at least acknowledge the note?’

    “Why don’t I feel happy that he looked for me and left a note?”

    “Because I don’t WANT just a note! I want to know what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, I want to communicate!”

    “It feels like crumbs and I want a banquet!”

    “But if I don’t show gratitude for the crumbs, won’t he get discouraged and stop even that? Gratitude attracts more of what I want… doesn’t it?”

    “I want more of HIM!”

    “UGh… see… you’re already spending energy on him. He’s not even here… he should be invisible.”

    “But what if he is here… what if he’s waiting on messenger right now and I don’t know it because I’m not checking?”

    “But if I check and he’s NOT here… then I feel crappy again”

    “I could just pop in and respond to his note…”

    “OH… this feels bad!”

    “I want to have a good day. I want to LIVE. I want to be in love”

    “I don’t want to be “ignoring” him all day and still feeling the pain and wondering if he’s out there trying to talk and I’m missing an opportunity”

    “Darn it!”

    “Meanwhile, Guy B keeps texting me! Guy B is HERE… but I still want Guy A”

    “I think I need HELP!”

  99.  #99Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Rachel, I feel supportive of you. I feel very appreciative of the conversation you had with yourself! It feels sooo familiar!!

    AG, thanks so much for the hugs and kisses! That actually made me cry and I realized it was because I have had so little nurturing and comfort from people in my life. That feels so sad! (The realization feels sad, but your comfort feels good.) That was one thing that was really special with TN man, too — I felt comforted and nurtured by him. 🙁

    I appreciate your suggestion to consider how it would be if he were my husband. The major difference, though, is the “none of my business” factor that is present with this guy that would not be there with my husband.

    Yes, I agree that it fits well with Rori’s post! In fact, I had not been on here for awhile, and when this happened, I decided I would log on and ask for help — imagine my surprise and amazement when I saw the current title!!!! It felt like confirmation that I had come to the right place at the right time, and that the universe or God was looking out for me! 🙂

    I still am unsure what to do. Right now I am just spending more time feeling my feelings. What would feel really good to me would be if he would friend me again on fb and say that he realized unfriending me was not a good thing to do because he wants to have a deep and open relationship with me. 🙂 And then, he could keep the good feelings coming by saying he’s coming to visit me next week. 🙂

  100.  #100tinque on January 5, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Tara – “I am soooo confused!”
    Actually you sound rather clear to me. You seem to have answered all you own questions. Can you find peace in this? It’s never easy breaking away from destructive patterns and the people who reinforce them. But you are here, and that’s huge. I agree that you need to change your venues, surround yourself with new energy and situations.

    Oh Tina _ create a little drama. Please do. It might make you feel better. If you have dishes to spare and you don’t mind cleaning up the mess and/or you don’t have puppy cats who may cut their little feetsies on the shards, throw a few more against the wall. Or pound a pillow. Put on some loud music and run around the house naked.
    Dance. Sing. Make yourself something decadent and indulge.

  101.  #101Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 9:17 am

    This morning at the vet, I learned that my little doggie, Archie, has only about two months to live. Kidney disease. I have been crying about that, too. He is old, so I have known his time was coming, but still . . .

    And the timing of this! Why??? TN man could have been such a comfort to me about my dog, especially because he has similar breed dogs that he is very fond of. Why did he have to choose NOW to shut me out?

    And here is the really weird thing: Last August, when he and I started connecting, he told me that he had recently lost a girl he loved (she broke up with him) and one of his dogs (sudden death) right around the same time, and how that was really a hard time for him. SO it is REALLY WEIRD that I seem to be losing him and my dog at the same time! What’s that about???

  102.  #102Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Is this a feeling or a thought: “It feels like you are wanting to hide something from me” ? I think it’s a thought. How do I say that as a feeling? He knows that I am seeing other guys — I don’t hide that from him. So I would like him to not hide it from me if he is seeing other girls. Do I say “I don’t want you to hide it from me if you are seeing other girls. It would feel better for us to both be open and honest with each other. Unfriending me on fb feels (to me) closed-off, smaller than before, constricted, shriveled”? (haha, no sexual pun intended!!) But wait, maybe there is something to that sexual parallel — I DO feel “turned off” by his actions. Is it a bad idea to say “I feel turned off”?? That could feel like rejection to him, couldn’t it?

  103.  #103tinque on January 5, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Melanie – you’re right, that is a thought. All the rest sounds good. I feel turned off is fine. I like the “I don’t want…” part very much too.

  104.  #104Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 10:10 am


    great call….. 😉


    Tina, for you too

  105.  #105mary on January 5, 2010 at 10:17 am

    hello melanie:

    i feel confused about this: “He knows that I am seeing other guys — I don’t hide that from him. So I would like him to not hide it from me if he is seeing other girls.”

    With circular dating, isn’t the object to go out and have fun and NOT be super connected to one guy? you know that i’m connected to R. but i don’t plan to talk about my other dates with him, and i’m not going to quiz him about his other dates. What I think might happen is that it’ll clarify whether we want to have an exclusive relationship or not. We’ll begin to love seeing other people too, or hate it! And if we both hate it, that might be a sign that we’re the Ones for each other.

    I feel confused about why you need to know what he’s up to, but I’m not there yet. I’m sure I’m gonna be super jealous, too. (Not looking forward to that.) But that’s the price I’m gonna pay in order to gain some perspective with circular dating.

  106.  #106Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Well, see, Mary, that’s exactly what I was saying earlier: it is really none of my business, which is why I hesitate to even share feeling messages with him about it. Yet Tinque thought my proposed feeling messages sounded good…. So now I feel very confused!

    Yes, I am definitely too “attached” to him, which is why I feel like I should pull back and stop communicating with him.

  107.  #107Linda on January 5, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Hey Rachel

    I have so lived, thought, breathed and tugged back and forth just like you are right now.

    I appreciate your comment on the place I am in right now. Believe me, it took a while to get here. I simply just got tired of investing, even in thought and out of wearyiness and doing something good for me, I released it all and decided that I did not want this man (whom I really hoped things would work out with) in my life the way things were. Crumbs do not make a meal or satisfy. So, I busied myself with other things. Stopped focusing on being in a relationship and being in love and started doing other things. I had to force myself to do this, just like circular dating. It did the trick. Sometimes (on some dates) or when I was talking to someone, I would think in the back of my mind…I dont feel a connection here. But I also knew that the connection I had was not what I wanted either, so…I just decided if it was to be, then it would and if not it wouldn’t. It was a kind thing to do for me.

    If a man is not in front of you he is not real. I know it seems crazy to say but I adopted this as my mode of operendum. I practiced being fully present with whom I was with or talking to. Even S when he was hiding and pushing me away. His thing are his things and mine are mine. It did me no good to try to figure out why he was doing what he was… I just simply stopped investing anything in him. I would hear from him periodically and sometimes I would respond sometimes not. I was waiting for him to be what I needed and while things have shifted.. he still has a ways to go.

    Be kind to yourself, dont pine for communication with this guy, just respond and use dicernment when you do. Be your beautiful self and do kind things for you. Things will shift and a wonderful relationship will happen. Trust the process here, it works on us everytime.

    Hugs Linda

  108.  #108mary on January 5, 2010 at 10:45 am


    I think Tinque can sort this out for you…

  109.  #109mary on January 5, 2010 at 10:46 am

    thanks for the link, Nikita! I don’t watch TV either, but I miss stuff.

    not viewable in Canada! too bad! : (

  110.  #110Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 10:56 am

    You’re welcome 🙂

    I love that site since I never watch t.v. and I feel good knowing I have a few options…..I love studying the girls on the bachelor…….really fascinating

  111.  #111tinque on January 5, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Melanie – the thing is right now this is not a real relationship. It’s not even a long distance one. You haven’t even met.
    I agree that his behavior is strange. But what I find curious is why you have built up so much angst around someone for all intents and purposes is not real. Remember if he’s not in front of you he doesn’t exist?
    If you want to pursue this as “off” as it feels to you and to me quite honestly, then your feelings messages from before are, in context, appropriate.
    What I think you should be asking yourself is why? Why are you pining for an imaginary man? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you not out meeting real people?
    These could be some tough questions to ask of yourself.

    I feel very sad about your doggie. I had to put my kitty down in September. He too was very old, but it was no less difficult. I still miss him.

  112.  #112Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Thank you so much Linda! This feels right… your journey sounds so similar. I have made a lot of right decisions in the past weeks. I got excited when he “came back” last week. It felt like he was missing me and realizing that he wanted me in his life. And now… he’s vanishing again.

    I’m still doing the right things outwardly. But my struggle is inside. I am choosing to do things that I enjoy, but in the back of my mind, I’m still thinking about him. GRRR!!!

    I liked what you said in your earlier post about how you could complain about the speed he was rowing at, but at least he’s rowing now. I think that may be where we’re at. I feel like he picked up the oars last week… I thought we were going somewhere, but we’re just kinda sitting here! I guess I’ll try to look around and find something beautiful to look at while I wait for him to figure out how to get this thing moving!

    Thank you for your support. I feel so blessed to have found this place … it keeps me from doing stupid things! =-)

    Love you all!

  113.  #113Lola on January 5, 2010 at 11:23 am


    I agree with Tinque and Mary on this. I know because I have been in similar ‘relationships’ in the past.

    If i had been communicating with someone for some months whether a man or a woman and they suddenly seemed to shut me down I would feel hurt. I think I might send them a brief feeling message, but really only to practice writing them and noting the responses they get. Sometimes I think it is the intention that is important – i.e. if you are communicating just to practice and learn, rather than to bring about a certain outcome or invest further, perhaps that will feel OK.

    I feel very sad to hear about your dog too.

  114.  #114Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Thanks, Mary and Tinque. I do have trouble with the”he doesn’t exist” concept, because of the fact that he does, actually, exist. 🙂 No, not here in front of me, but he does exist, is a real person, with real thoughts, real feelings, a real life, etc. And because of the real thoughts and real feelings we have shared with each other, we like each other a lot. We are both kind of “different,” so it is wonderful for me to find someone who seems to understand me and accept me the way I am. (But perhaps that was then, this is now.) That is rare for me to find, especially in someone whom I find attractive in other ways too. So, that is why I am “pining” for him, as you put it, Tinque. I am also out meeting other people, but they do not appeal to me very much. One guy I have been out with several times emailed me today and said “you are a shining light in my life.” That felt good, but the thing is, I had just been thinking about ending things with him because I do not feel attracted to him enough for it to be anything long term and don’t want to lead him on. I really really have trouble finding guys I like. And I like TN man a lot. 🙂 Or I did until now. 🙁

  115.  #115tinque on January 5, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Yes Melanie I understand what you are saying, maybe even what you are feeling, but a person with whom you’ve only had contact via cyberspace can be and very often is a VERY different person in the flesh, in all ways.
    It seems to me that yes you have made a connection, or you did, but you have from there created a fantasy man. You don’t know who the REAL man is, and you won’t know him until you meet and have been together, seriously together for at least a year or more. Rori says one year, and I say two to three, but in your case, you have had zero time together.
    I don’t want to sound harsh here, for I really do feel your anxiety and distress, but….

  116.  #116alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    melanie i feel sad about your dog. i feel a desire to somehow fix that and make him ok. my wishes of comfort for you.

    if he’s not in front of you, he doesn’t exist As An Option For Happy Ever After. he doesn’t exist as a focus for our thoughts and energy.

    it’s not a literal statement. (i am very literal minded so i understand how someone could get tripped up on this) . but it’s more of a tool to help us keep our focus on ourselves and the men who are in front of us actively pursuing us and sending us energy and rowing etc.

    nikita thanks for the link. 🙂

    tinque i feel so happy to experience your presence. you have such tender, compassionate qualities. i really would like to be more like you in those ways.

    katie i felt lovely reading your comment

    tara YES to a banquet! no waiting, no way. especially if it’s just for a measly crumb! rori says no waiting.

    my ex texted on me on xmas with “merry christmas”. are you kidding? a total crumb. i didn’t even respond. after all this time i get a text on christmas? uh, no.

    becuase there is such thing as meeting the family, or gifts, or spending time, or A PHONE CALL at the very least. please. don’t wear yourself out typing into your phone. anyway i didn’t text back because i would have felt bad to do so. either he wouldn’t have continued the text convo (and i’d have felt bad) or he would have texted that he would call later and then not followed through (and i would have felt really bad). plus it was just such an ugly stale crumb. i mean that is literally what it felt like. i didn’t feel happy or pleased or warmed to get it. i felt a tightening of defensiveness (to the possible above listed scenarios). i felt a little disgusted.

    no waiting, no way. and certainly not for stale crumb bits.

    thank you.

  117.  #117tinque on January 5, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    alias girl – I just love your way with words. This is too perfect.
    “ugly stale crumb bits”

    Thank you so much for your comment to me. I’m melting as I write.

  118.  #118Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I understand what Tinque is saying about the REAL man, etc. and if they aren’t in front of you, they don’t exist (as a tool).

    BUT… what about when they’re away in the military. I have met my Guy A. We met twice … once for a whole weekend. I have physical memories of him… he is very real. And he’s also away on a ship at sea! So we can only communicate via email and an occasional chat and I wonder if I’m creating a fantasy man too? And yet i know that thousands of other wives/girlfriends/friends face this situation where their men are so far away and communication is limited.

    How do these principles apply to situations like this? I feel torn between acknowledging the difficulty/busyness of his setting and feeling like he’s making excuses!

    Any thoughts?

  119.  #119janjune on January 5, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    sat down at lunch to work on going through the ebook and

    I do NOT need to communicate with other goddesses in depth about rori’s program in order to extract the gems from it!!

    i don’t know why yet that this was a trigger.

    i know i’m on my own path.
    i know that it’s fun to share the experiences.
    i know that i can read the blog and skip what i want to skip and read what i want to read.

    (i feel hopeful that this will be taken as a statement of fact for me, to me and not directed toward anyone.)

    now thinking it was a trigger because i still believe others know more about how *I* feel, want, should do than i do and am fighting, challenging that belief now.
    yes, that feels true.

    so, yes, i would want to get other people’s POV on things before i found them true or acceptable or reliable.

    so now i’ve been seriously working my way through the ebook having revelations, understanding the content more and more and don’t really feel like sharing!
    that’s a switch.
    i feel perfectly content with my own observations about it.
    with my own interpretations of the content.
    with the way i am viewing it.

    i feel like it’s for me.
    and other people are working their way through on their own in their own way.
    and we don’t have to be together.
    we can be separate.
    it’s OKAY too! together or separate, or both in time.

    this feels embarrassing.


    this is a big revelation for me, oh yes. it feels so good.

    to NOT be experiencing this with anyone else.

    to be experiencing through my eyes only.
    my eyes!
    not yours, or yours, or YOURS!




    oh yeh, … the longer i sit with this thought, the more truth comes to light.

    I DO NOT MEAN IT DIRECTED TOWARD ANYONE, just something i am being shown to balance me.

  120.  #120janjune on January 5, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    skimming the comments from the last few days–

    your triggering event brought on by my expressions did not ruffle me up. but i appreciate your sensitivity toward it.
    you sounded like you felt bad about it, but hope you don’t.

    Feeling my own triggers right now, they feel so valuable. …like someone bumping into me “hard” and having that “pop” a door open I hadn’t previously been able to go through.

    i wish for you for myself and all the goddesses the blessings contained in our triggers.

  121.  #121Daria on January 5, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Alias Girl –

    hey this reminds me (the “merry christmas” ex text and your triggered feeling) of when Rori said to open up more when you were feeling triggered over men writing only “How Are You”

    because im thinking that Merry Christmas could potentially feel good.

    I remember Rori said that men go for women that appreciate what they can give, especially the ones who dont have a lot to give, they really fall for the ones who are able to receive.

    Anyway it feels suprising and worrisome to think that Merry Christmas would feel like tightening up (although I TOTALLY can empathize why, from the explanation). But i dono. it seems theres something parallel to the How Are You thingy.

    And i guess im writing it cuz i dont want to fall into the judging trap of judging men’s commuication as not enuf.

    AND i feel like im a rotating fountain spitting words in a circle.

    AND oh yeah. So maybe I would write back the ex something like! I FEEL SO FURIOUS AT YOU. and maybe try to break the spell that makes “Merry Christmas” feel bad.

    I don’t want to close off!!!! I feel triggered and confused


    a lil bit

    maybe i would feel good getting Merry Christmas. I feel lost now.

  122.  #122janjune on January 5, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Triggers feel like OPEN DOORS.
    doorways… with light… to step into…
    invitations to healing…
    invitations to explore the past, face it down and change it.

    I don’t feel afraid of them.
    Mine or yours (ANYbody’s on this blog).
    I feel safe on this blog.
    to explore and test and find new limits.

    thank you rori!
    thank you goddesses!

  123.  #123janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    i feel guilty to have something i really love.

  124.  #124janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    i feel like i have to share it for it or it’s not okay for me to have it.

  125.  #125janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    ioops… meant to say

    i feel like i have to share it for it to be okay…
    or it’s not okay for me to have it.

  126.  #126Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 1:22 pm


    AG wrote:

    “please. don’t wear yourself out typing into your phone. anyway ”

    I can’t stop laughing about this OMG it just sums everything up……..my phone is off….and I am in no rush to turn it back on….it forces me to not respond to texts 🙂 yes universe you can take me back to the 80’s with my phone stuff 🙂

    I feel so liberated! oh, sorry I can’t call you-or text back-so sorry—–NOT . I love it! yes I will pay it but right now I’m enjoying the wave of solace in really leaning back from the whole world.

    I might ditch my cell- and go back to a HOUSE phone….”leave a message 🙂 ” beep!

  127.  #127janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    ioops – lol
    can’t type

  128.  #128alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    janjune Yes! yees! YES!! i feel very excited for you. yes!

    tinque xoxo

    rachel even married women can circular date/flirt. but if i was just dating a militarry man i would definitely circular date full out unless you’ve got a ring, a wedding date and an agreement of exclusivity.

    daria i feel good you are on your own path and finding your own way.

  129.  #129Daria on January 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    alias girl ggrrr i feel amused but a lil irked . i was hoping for more inisights on the merrychristmas text but yes. i dont know why i felt triggered

    i was online chatting with a man who in my in charge experiment i told him i would go visit. but now my legs hurt from driving my stick shift and i dont want to. hehe
    i was loling. i said ichanged my mind. hehe. i told him
    “get a car” lol. that was a brave direct thing for me to say as practice. so anyway. he said why are you playing with me. (in my mind i had just decided i was playing with him)

    i said cuz. he said cuz?. i said i feel entertained. lol. hahah

    he signed off now. poor baby. he needs to get a car.

    ok i feel amused . i feel glad i dont feel afraid of feeling rejected/attacked. oh he signs back in. what can i say. i dont feel like driivng there . i told him if i suddenly feel like driving out there this weekend then maybe. but right now idont feel like it.

    I DO feel like going and being around some people. hmmm

  130.  #130Daria on January 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm


    i just texted my neighbor that i used to date (and be hung up on when i was 18, but then…we’ve drifted apart… ie he gets on my nerves talking like hes always right).

    i said

    i want to come over. what do you think?


    i feel entertained

  131.  #131alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    heheheh nikita. oooooohhhhhh my poor pads of my fingertips are soooooooo tired from typing m e r r y c h r i s t m a s. must rest now.

    pshew yes set down those oars, adonis. i don’t want you to waer yourself out.

  132.  #132Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    HAHAHAHAHa !!!!! stop!!! now i have to pee A.G. !!!!!!

    oh adonis! you must be famished——typing!! so exhilaratingly taxing, my love-


  133.  #133janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    thanks alias girl!
    your cheers feel like jingle bells sound.

  134.  #134Daria on January 5, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    i feel lolly. I want to go celebrate fun.

  135.  #135Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 1:49 pm


    now I feel confused……the attitude of gratitude brings more of what we’d like…..

    but how can I be grateful for crumbs that feel malicious to my heart???

    oh yes, thx for that ugly stale crumb? in the hopes I get real fresh cake ??? huh? I don’t want crumbs… 🙁 i’d rather STARVE than take some ugly stale poisonous crumb!!!!

    I’m a yogi 🙂

  136.  #136janjune on January 5, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    i don’t feel like it’s okay for me to structure a relationship the way i want it.

    i feel like that is reserved for other people.

    they are the ones who say how things are going to be.

    i just have to get along.

    or i’m out.

    that feels very, very bad.
    very bad.
    very very very bad.
    sick to my stomach.
    hate it, despise it.
    but what good did it ever do?
    seems like none.

    just shadow boxing.
    tilting at windmills.
    falling on deaf ears.

    *i* never changed.
    *i* never made anything *be* different.
    *i* let it continue.
    i was afraid to leave.

    this feels sickening right now.
    i’m in the depth of the sickening feeling.
    want to cry.
    feel desperate.
    flowing in the feeling.
    embracing the sickening feeling, the sorrow of it, the pain, the waste.
    cry cry cry
    so sad
    so sad about it
    feels sickening.
    what are they good for?
    didn’t do any good.
    never did.

    breathing easier.
    tears subsiding.
    sadness still encroaching;
    want to cry,
    its over.
    feel like “I made it”
    feeling a little tingly.
    not in a good way.
    feeling disturbed.
    want to cry.
    feeling tingly again.

    sensate feeling of the sad trigger.
    made it through but what’s changed by it?
    there is no answer in the trigger.
    in feeling it flowing with it embracing it or being aware of it.
    no answer here
    only in moving on. out of it. through it past it moving THROUGH the trigger.
    feel it.
    see it.
    experience it.
    acknowledge it.
    but don’t stay in it.
    there’s nothing here.

    use it for a step toward moving away from it.
    a paradox.
    feels true.

  137.  #137Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 2:00 pm


    YES… I’ve been struggling with this all day! I believe that gratitude brings more of what we want. I want to be grateful and accepting of where he’s at… love him as he is, etc. BUTI don’t want to be satisfied with crumbs. And the crumbs feel yucky when I think he is capable of so much more. (I say this because he DID give so much more just a few months ago!)

    So how do I balance those two? I find it hard to be sincerely grateful for just a little “sorry i missed you” note! And yet… at least it was something…

  138.  #138Daria on January 5, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    How aobut both. I felt good getting the sorry i missed you note, and i felt sad thinking of how much more i received from you jsut last week, and it feels terrible

  139.  #139Daria on January 5, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Kinda like Rori said about the “you have nice boobs” comment on (was it) Targeting.

    Thank you, it feels good to have my boobs admired, and also, it feels bad, wow actually im feeling angry

  140.  #140Tara on January 5, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Hugs to you and many kind thoughts. It is hard to lose a pet you love — especially when a relationship goes south, too.

    I loved your comments! It sounds like we are having the same internal tug-of-war and dealing with emotional connections to men that are giving us crumbs. Lots of love and support here, though! Stay on the bridge. You won’t be sorry.
    I am still working on moving my thoughts away from him, but at least I can control my behavior right now this very instant and refrain from sending him romantic texts or calling him or asking him to call me.

    AG: As always, you have the best words — “ugly stale crumbs” is sticking in my mind. I love it!

    Thank you so much for reading my post and taking time to respond personally!!! I feel heard, I feel cared for.
    As a matter of fact, there IS a different theater group in a nearby city that does nothing but Shakespeare (which I adore). I think I’ll go play with them for a while.

    I loved what you wrote about always having to be around the guy that broke your heart, onstage, backstage, etc. Problem is, the theater holding the auditions is the one where we’re both on the board. The director of the upcoming show is an old friend; I’d LOVE to work with him again, and I may not have too many more chances, since he’s retired and rarely directs.

    If I were to be the rock star and choose to treat Steve only as a friend, doing another show with him could be the opportunity to clear up a lot of the crap that has happened the past few months and create some healthy boundaries — MINE. I can also practice NOT being needy, clingy, insecure, etc. If nothing else, he would be able to see that some things have changed.

    BUT…can I really handle being around him? I’m still hung up on him, still wounded and hurting by his scaling-back until we’re barely friends, and still FEELING triggered. Can I heal myself quickly, or is this going to take some time?

    I don’t want my energy flowing out to him. I want him to come to me and apologize. But hey, I screwed up by being so needy & insecure, constantly doubting and questioning, constantly demanding reassurance. I think I probably just wore him out.

    What do you do when YOU’VE screwed up? Do I apologize? Does it even matter at this point?

    I guess I see it as some kind of moral victory for me if he realizes that I’m NOT like that anymore, even if the relationship’s history.

    Thank you all for the love, support, & wisdom here! I want to feel good again.

  141.  #141janjune on January 5, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    do i have the guts to ask for what i want?

    do i have the guts to say, “I want this, give it to me!!?”
    not mean, just determined?

    i don’t feel the bravery right now.

    no, the bravery to do that is not in me right now.

    i get little flashes of it but that’s nothing new.
    i know i have to accept it as okay FOR ME – it’s already acceptable in my mind for other people –
    or it will not be happening for me.

    for the world to say, oh, move over, that belongs to her.

    well, i’m not there yet.
    acknowledging that to self.
    acknowledgin that it’s possible.
    that others do it have done it and i have not.

    in reality, that’s where i am right now.

    2010 is a new year.
    i feel only “open” to being brave about asking for what i want, not brave itself.

  142.  #142janjune on January 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    …peering through the trigger door
    like the light
    still attached to comfort with the old, known

    how to get through the door?

    i don’t know.

    i feel unworthy.

  143.  #143alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    janjune i remember i was riffing once and i was going on and on just trying to ge to the other side, just wanting relief, a ray of light. riffing and riffing.

    then daria reminded me to love my feelings. and papow i felt the shift.

    like right now, for me, (about myself) I could say: i love my busybody self! i love my embarrassment. i love my need to please!

  144.  #144alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    argh janjune I AM not at ALL insinuating or saying You are going on and on. I was. i mean it was on and on with “i feel bad” in all it’s many variations. and i asked for help from the sirens. and then daria had said that thing about loving all my feelings.

    and that has helped because developing great compassion for myself has really been a boon to my happiness. (as well as making it Much easier for me to get along better with others)

    anyway i will stop interupting your process now as i do not want to be intrusive.

    which i have a tendency to be sometimes. Because I want to “help”. ugh. i love my desire to help so i feel worthy. yae! I love my embarrassment. i feel self-accepting.

  145.  #145janjune on January 5, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    lol alias girl!
    i AM going on and on and finally stopped and erased the comment i was about to make, then read yours!! haha!

    i need to let things set. and settle. i will figure this out.
    just feeling stuck in the doorway, wanting to go through to the other side and so scared to do it. so unworthy — but that’s not true.

    i love my stuck-in-the-doorness for protecting me from the unknown.
    i love my feeling unworthiness, thank you for your protection from abandonment.
    i love my sick in the pit of my stomach feeling to tell me this belief is not the Truth.

  146.  #146janjune on January 5, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    yes, that “i love my ……..” does make a shift.
    am getting the “WHY I love my …… right now, too.”

    hadn’t really caught on to that part yet, was still getting ahold of “I FEEL” or “I DON’T WANT”.

    I FEEL
    I LOVE MY 🙂

  147.  #147Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 3:29 pm


    I love my ungrateful for ugly stale crumbs feelings

  148.  #148janjune on January 5, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    rori’s statement in this post:

    “do NOT go with “hurt” –
    but with “confusing” and “weird” and
    do NOT make him responsible for how you felt —
    just share what it FELT LIKE.”

    feels so right for any relationship, not just with men:

  149.  #149Tina on January 5, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    I want my boobs to be admired 🙂 nice boobs you cant have mother fucekr! I love my boobs, I bought a new bra at a grocery store of all places, fits nice too. My boobs fit nicely in my hands 🙂 I love my boobs, I love my boobs. What a funny word BOOBS. My boobs smell nice, I love the way my skin smells, soft um. I love my boobs. I’m taking my nice smelling boobs back. You can admire my boobs from afar, just dont make any comments, your not allowed anymore. Your not allowed to freely comment on my nice smelling, feeling boobs anymore. My grandma still has nice boobs and she’s 83 yrs old, hehe, I was like wow grandma, I hope my boobs look like yours when I”m 83.

  150.  #150Tina on January 5, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Tinque, I feel smashing a plate over his head hehe, I wont but the thought feels kinda nice, I feel disturbed by my thoughts of smashing a plate over his head, my head is buzzing lol. He wouldnt feel it anyway, haha trust me. My neighbor wants to have a card date, he wants to teach me how to gamble lol. I said sure ok. He broke up with his “girlfriend” she was leaning way to forward, I could see that coming a mile away. I was only a matter of time. Anyway were going to hang out and learn texas hold’ em .

  151.  #151janjune on January 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    okay, pushing through to new ground

    i just recognized what’s a “Nasty Voice”.

    is this a key?

    i think so.

    are the NVs trying to keep me from going through the doorway?

    i love my Nasty Voices.
    I love the safety they provided in times past.
    i love you Nasty Voices.

  152.  #152tinque on January 5, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    No harm in fantasies Tina. They can be marvelously therapeutic.
    (I hope my boobs are as nice as your grandma’s when I’m 83 too. lol)

  153.  #153Tina on January 5, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Thank you Tinque, I’m going to celebrate my boobs in my grocery store bra and learn texas hold em with my neighbor, I just noticed I have jewelry from most of my ex’s lol, I feel like stringing them all on one nice gold chain (pendants)
    I’m getting all ready to go receive some energy from my neighbor, he wants to “teach” me to play cards.
    I love my new best friend crazy bitch:) can we just tone it down, you know like subtle? um yeah maybe, please promise me , just tone it down a few notches, I dont want to fuck the guy ok, oh ok, so you want to brain fuck? uh yeah that sounds good to me, brain fuck sounds so nasty though, can we come up with a better word? um no, brain receive? lol yeah whatever, go play cards ok.

  154.  #154Daria on January 5, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    oh i almost forgot. to share something amazing.

    theres this church in Berkeley, and when i drive past it i slow down to read the billboard it has in front. it always has some quote ive never heard, that sounds magical and obscure (i wonder if theyre from the bible, seems like it but if so they are not common)

    last time it read:

    “you shall love the Lord, thy God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength”

    now this really hit me. im used to picturing loving with all my heart and all my soul, yes

    but with aLL MY MIND!!!!

    and all my strength!!! do you know how much strength i have from years and years of struggling against the impossible??? how much strength i have from all the years of feeling powerless and trying to lift the world up on my shoulders???

    A LOT

    so i practiced in the moment loving Jesus with all my mind and strength…

    its like i shifted the world aroudn me!!

    and i realized that in this quote is a HUGE GIFT

    not only can i love God this way, but also MYSELF

    and I tried to love myself with all my mind and all my strength!!!

    well GOSH… of cOURSE if i I put ALL MY STRENGTH in it, i can imagine that this is the world i want, that im safe, etc

    everytime i practice this tool, its like doing minesweeper around me, i get to be a pool of WHAT I WANT that is spreading, using all my stregth.

    the NV’s have no chance against all my heart, all my soul, all my mind all my STRENGTH

    before i was using almost no strenght at all!!!

    but to use my masculine qualities of mind and strength to imagine and LOVE ! Me and what i want ! wow

    i feel blessed!

    this is truly a magic phrase that has been given to me, to focus my energy

    i could feel like the world transforming, and i could love whta was there right now, definitely! if i put all my strength into it.

    my strength, my strength!!!

    i didint know how to use my strength

    and no i wont be abandoning those in pain if i make the world beter for me! i am making it better for them. i can use all my mind and strenght to imagine it better for them TOO. now. i wont forget them, the way i dont forget them anyway

    this has been my magic tool since yesterday.

    Try loving something, like your mirror reflection, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your Strength

    and tell me about it

  155.  #155Melanie on January 5, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Thanks so much for your help, everyone. I just now texted him about my doggie, because I sincerely felt like sharing that with him and do not yet feel the need to express anything about the other stuff. Thanks again!

  156.  #156Rachel on January 5, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    That’s beautiful Daria. I’ve heard that verse before but never thought about using it to love myself too! Thanks!

  157.  #157Robin on January 5, 2010 at 6:10 pm


    I was journaling in my mind earlier about how we care, even though the guy, if we’re not exclusive has no duty to tell us hes not going to call again, and that made me mad…lets get real, its a devastating blow to our self esteem when a guys drops out of our rotation…

    And I was missing the fav guy..and I realized that I missed how he made me feel, I feel like a queen when Im with him.

    And then he txt.

    I wanna repeat it hear , I really needed this, but Im gonna have to do this after a meeting,

    and I also want to ask, how you invite a guy somewhere, say a banquet or an awards ceremony, something that calls for a ‘date’..

    Im getting an award this sat and wanted to invite him (after the txt). Here is the general gist.

    Its a forward.
    His words:
    Good afternoon. How are you?


    His words:
    Btw.. Do you have an email address I can use? When do I get to see you again?

    Ok, so I want to say Im free fri and sat, oh & btw Im getting an award sat, you wanna come??

    Ok, how do I pull that one off????
    And what tools will help me stop obsessing??

  158.  #158mary on January 5, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Hi Daria.

    I’m intrigued by your post. I know there are God blogs out there, and this is not one of them, but I think it’s legitimate to explore the basis on which we’re loving ourselves.

    Your comment sounds like going from:

    “you shall love the Lord, thy God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength”


    “you shall love yourself with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength.”

    which might not be so far-fetched in Biblical circles…

    We have been taught to love others. We have been taught to love God. But we haven’t been taught to love ourselves. I think that this very thing is the reason that we haven’t all done Rori’s stuff all of our lives.

    I’m wondering exactly where the dividing line is between loving God and loving ourselves. And if there is a dividing line.

    My questions:

    is God in everyone?
    if we love ourselves, are we loving God too?
    -and even-
    if we love God, are we loving ourselves too?

    And I ask more questions: where did the love come from that we’re using to love ourselves? Where does the heart begin and end? Where is the soul? How do we love with our minds? And how do we become strong?

  159.  #159Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Another beautiful thing

    “You reap what you sow”

    now often i have heard this with a negative connotation.!! or otherwise semi-negative, meaning you have to work hard and hurt before pleasure…

    but… what if i toook eht positive connotation!!

    IE I WILL HAVE WHAT I WANT! what i intend i will create!!!

    i sow my desires and intentions and i will have them

    i WILL get to reap what i SOW

    thank you!!!

  160.  #160Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    and another non biblical thingy

    my guy friends.

    my guy friends may be players and jerks, but they have big ass hearts!

    I was thinking about how i can FEEL their hearts when we are together. like everyone is contributing their special heart love to the group, and we all feel good. and ithought about guywhohadababy, and how good his heartlove felt (when we were all in a group), how each has a different quality, but like a warming, energy around the chest. and it feels GREAT. and loving and safe.

    so i feel glad to know them.

    even though with women i see them doing stuff that many would qualify as “jerky,” or “playery”

    i can feel their heart energy, and i feel filled up with LOVE!!

    it feels great!!

    and i want to have Romantic love too! but i feel great to have been gifted to feel this safe love, and feel their hearts, and i can really relate to men feeling this from them

    ps… the tools work with them too hehe

  161.  #161Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Mary –

    would you please take a shot at answering the questions? i would feel excited to read…

  162.  #162Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    My answers:

    is God in everyone?

    yes, and without too. and i am a Goddess!

    if we love ourselves, are we loving God too?

    oh yes. He feels so happy when i feel happy

    if we love God, are we loving ourselves too?

    yes! this is how i instantly got from loving Jesus to loving myself! he practically told me to.

    And I ask more questions: where did the love come from that we’re using to love ourselves?

    it comes from me! it comes from my magic creatrix beauty self – i can make love! i can create love, and i can attract love, twist it play it love it suck it eat it rain it… mmm…

    Where does the heart begin and end?

    heart begins in the middle of my chest and makes like a radiating wavy thing like a saturn of energy around there

    Where is the soul?

    the soul is throughout me and my body, and sometimes it gathers up somewhere near my solar plexus in a fireball…

    How do we love with our minds?

    by imagining that everything is GREAT and just what i want it to be! by using my imagination to picture everything i want as POSSIBLE and that im living it!

    And how do we become strong?

    we ARE strong. we become strong by practicing, and filling up with feelings, and mostly by finding a way to touch up and draw on our built in strenght.. we can walk, breathe, we are strong! … this quote helped me tap into my strength!! the strenght of feeling powerless and frustrated and caged… its a miracle

  163.  #163mary on January 5, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    hold on, daria! let me come over there to siren island… just a sec…

  164.  #164mary on January 5, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Daria, sweet, intelligent, amazing Daria!

    I love your answers.

    I will try…

  165.  #165mary on January 5, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    My answers:

    is God in everyone?
    yes, and without, too.
    His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. His ways are higher than my ways.

    if we love ourselves, are we loving God too?
    yes, because we are in God, like a little circle is inside a bigger circle

    if we love God, are we loving ourselves too?
    yes, when we love God, boundaries between us loosen, just like what happens in romantic love, and we become bonded, and we’re able to love ourselves with His love. and He loves all of us! He loves our NV. He loves our ugliness. He loves our selfish pettiness. we love Him, and he is everywhere, in everyone. so we begin to see from that place on the hill and have love and compassion for everyone, including ourselves. and like alias girl, then we then just want to buy the world a coke.

    there’s a little song: “i am my beloved’s and He is mine; the banner over me is love…”

    where did the love come from that we’re using to love ourselves?
    from God

    Where does the heart begin and end?
    it begins in God and ends in God

    Where is the soul?
    the soul is the part of us where God lives

    How do we love with our minds?
    we make a decision with our will to love. we make a decision to look at signs when we’re driving by churches, and wonder what the signs mean. we make a decision to listen to other people’s hearts. we make a decision to do actions that show our love to ourselves and to others.

    to me, loving with my mind doesn’t work if i focus only on loving myself. it keeps overflowing to others as well…

    And how do we become strong?
    by loving God, no matter what happens in our world.

  166.  #166Jennifer on January 5, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Wow an hour with the EFT lady today.
    Interesting what came up.
    She asked me what I looked like in my mind’s eye. I look like the raggy anne doll from the isle of misfit toys. All taken apart and put back together crooked. The seams don’t line up.
    I am now working to clear the idea “Great romantic relationships are something that happens to OTHER people. Not to me. They are not “for me”
    I described it to my friend as a similar sensation to watching our athletes at the Olympics. You root for “your team” (the people that you know) and your happy as all get out when they “win” ( find a fantastic sustaining relationship) you get real proud when you see that win and talk about it. But it’s not something you ever consider seeing yourself doing.
    The idea of a sustained amazing loving relationship feels as foreign to me as winning a gold in luge.
    I feel I don’t even know how.

  167.  #167Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:57 pm


    this is fun!

    i love how i felt so free and non resistant to write answers to questions!!


  168.  #168Daria on January 5, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    I feel happy and magical reading your answers Mary!

    Jennifer i feel excited about clearing this !! yay!

    I want to clear it too!

    thank you!

  169.  #169mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    and how about this?

    “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

    that’s another one of those things that usually sounds negative that can be looked at very positively.

    It’s like Rori’s retrospective letter that we’re all writing to ourselves… It goes beyond The Secret…

    Instead of manifesting things, we simply, carefully guard our thoughts with our minds, and we think about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy…

    so if we’re with someone, and we start thinking “what is true about this person? what is lovely? what is admirable?” and then we feel with our feelings about those things?

    would that be guiding our feelings with our thoughts? instead of guiding our thoughts with our feelings?

  170.  #170Daria on January 5, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Mary i think thats beautiful! about teh person! its like being curious!

    i try this too

  171.  #171alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    my thoughts on appreciating crumbs:

    well it depends on how i feel about the crumb. in the case of the “merry christmas” crumb, i felt bad. i so i felt my feelings and then moved onto to focus on something else i felt better or even good or great about. i can appreciate the message of the crumb. but i actually do not want More crumbs so appreciation feels out of line for me.

    if this had been a new guy or someone i had a different history with or anything other random reason blowing in the wind that might have inspired me to feel good about the crumb, then i would have wanted to feel big appreciation.

    but i highly doubt i will ever feel appreciation for any gestures i Perceive as crumbs. (i say ‘perceive’ because it was just an action on his part. not crumby or non-crumby. i just perceived it in the way that i did.)

    so if i had perceived it as “oh yae, a communication from someone i really like” then i definitely would want to exercise my appreciation muscle, thus bringing me more of what i like.

    what i focus on increases. (so actually even me still talking about the crumb situation is keeping it in place and activating the universe to bring me more, In my opinion. so enough about crumbs. let me focus on the beautiful banquet before me and mmmmm which dishes would i like to be filled up from next?)

  172.  #172mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    yes, let’s go to the banquet!

  173.  #173Simply Shannon on January 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Sirens I need help. Ugh. I feel so sad, so disappointed. Mr. Fab Kisser came over tonight. We had some great kisses and some great conversation. He had told me earlier this week that he had some things to ask me and tell me. I just knew what one of those “tells” would be, and I had tried to mentally prepare myself for it. So we have this great conversation and the “one thing” never came up. It was getting close to time for him to leave, and I just had to ask it because I knew… KNEW… what the answer would be and wanted to clear the air.

    Me: Did you cheat on your ex?
    Him: Yes. Twice.

    Ackkkkkkk! CRAPPPPPPPP!!!!!! I told him that I understood that was a part of his past but that I felt disappointed (because I do). I could literally feel myself pulling back from him. I kept a hold of his hand but every other part of my body was easing back. I really like this boy. He treats me feel like a queen. He’s super affectionate and giving and a really nice man. I’m not hung up on him too much but I was beginning to feel kind of hopeful with him. I mean, before this, I felt really open to him. More than any of the other men I’ve been seeing. I notice the difference between me being afraid with other men and with him I wasn’t feeling that way. I felt heart-unzippered-open.

    SHITTTTTTT!!!!!!! How am I suppose to reconcile this? How do I deal with this “one thing” in his past? I was cheated on by my ex and by A (a post-divorce boyfriend). Being cheated on feels horrible!! And to believe he was capable of doing that… yuck. I hate knowing this but I can’t unknow it.

    Mercedes: I need ya babe. If you’re out there, I need you. I’m going to post this on your blog too.

    Rori: Any advice?

    Sirens: If any of ya’ll can help, I would greatly appreciate it.

    My gosh, I feel so sad. I’m crying now, and I haven’t cried over a boy in forever. Another guy is going to call me tonight about going skiing with him, and I was just thinking earlier that I’m not sure I want to go because I really like Mr. Fab Kisser. A date for sure but not an overnight ski trip.

    This is his past. This isn’t the here and now, right? This isn’t who he would be with me, Rockstar Shannon, right? I feel bad for judging his past because I have one too but damnit… mine doesn’t including cheating. I know I’ll be dealing with a lot of this in my age bracket and the divorced crowd. Do people change?

    I expected him to say he cheated but I didn’t expect to feel such sadness. I don’t want to feel guarded. I want my unzippered-open-heart feeling back.

    No, no, no, no. 🙁

    How do you reconcile someone’s past (aka pre-you) with the here and now?

    I feel stunned and sad. A bomb just went off in my world. Reality check? You can’t trust anyone who has cheated in the past?

    My heart feels like it’s burning. I’m triggered. Someone talk me off the ledge. He just texted me, and I don’t know what to say. This is about me and my past. It’s MY trigger. He doesn’t deserve to feel bad for his past anymore than I do. He didn’t hurt ME but it feels like he did because I’m reliving how it felt to be hurt like that.

    Talk to me ladies. Please talk to me.

  174.  #174mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    i feel spirited and frisky and thrilled and courageous.

    i just took R to the airport and he is Out of Town for a while. and i’m looking at my book and wondering how to get all those words into my brain!

    i think i can do it!


    (all this time, i say i’ve been studying, but i haven’t! – maybe now?)

  175.  #175mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:35 pm


    my spirited, frisky, thrilled self is being put on hold for a minute to consider your plight.


    here’s what stands out to me: “I feel bad for judging his past because I have one too but damnit… mine doesn’t including cheating.”

    I feel worried about this part.

  176.  #176mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    not that it’s “once a cheater, always a cheater…” because people do learn! i’m not saying they don’t.

    i’m just saying that it makes me worry, too.

  177.  #177mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    he was honest!

    that’s good. that’s TRUE! that’s LOVELY. that’s NOBLE. that’s ADMIRABLE. that’s PRAISEWORTHY.

  178.  #178alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    simply shannon. i feel compassion.

    well, i didn’t see that the words “and i’ll never do it again” came out of his mouth. not that words alone would mean anything. but did he offer anything in the way of assuring you?

    i feel kind of icky to be honest with you.

    cheaters (liars, thieves, sociopaths, debtors etc etc) only change if they really really REALLY want to change for Themselves. because they want to BE someone other than what they were in the past.

    And this takes conscious effort. just like being a goddess takes conscious awareness and stretching and growing and developing new coping methods etc has for me.

    change takes effort.

    it doesn’t happen just because now is a new moment and the past is the past.

    change takes awareness or a bump on the head or something.

    i feel compassion. if it were me i would tread those waters with awareness and listen to my intuition. and i would also probably go SKIING!!!!!!!!!!

  179.  #179mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    oh, simply shannon…

    i think i agree with alias girl!

  180.  #180mary on January 5, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    and i feel compassion, too. and some sadness.

  181.  #181alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    tina i feel good to have nice boobs the whole way through too!



  182.  #182tinque on January 5, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Simply Shannon – Alias Girl said it very well. Cheaters can and do change.
    It’s not necessarily once a cheater always a cheater, yet the potential is there. I say finish old business before starting something new, yet if a man or woman for that matter falls head over heels, the idea of cheating is not even possible.
    Your time with him is still very new. He was honest, and that’s great. Since this is out in the open, you must tell him this is something you will not tolerate. You’ve been there before, and it feels horrible. You don’t want to ever feel that again.
    As for your present hesitation, I understand, but try to keep in mind that he has given you no reason to doubt him and until he does, it doesn’t serve you or him or you as a couple to hold on to this. Whatever tools work for you to let this go, please use them. Over and over until the fear subsides.

  183.  #183gina on January 5, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    AG, about the convo last night – I feel glad to know that you feel heard. And I’m glad you brought to my attention that my words felt like an attack. I hope that you agree that the conflict feels resolved.

  184.  #184alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    in all honesty, gina, you are a bigger woman (goddess!) than i. i would have probably got major defensive and hateful but you really heard me. i feel teary just thinking about it. i really learned from that. so thank you.

    yes, i feel cleared up and good about it and it seems you do too. if not, i feel willing to talk further about it if it is something you feel you want/need to do. 🙂

  185.  #185dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    haha sometimes when i am being really direct with my feeling messages the guy ends up calling me vague! what the hell!

    i say “tomorrow night is bad for me but i feel good about another night” when we make plans.

    he says haha that’s vague.


    i think he thinks i’m trying to blow him off. i do not want to blow him off! i feel good talking to him. i just don’t feel good trying to cram a date into my schedule right now..i haven’t slept very well the past couple of nights and it’s my first week after a big promotion and i feel soooooooo stacked with things to worry about and don’t want to bring those to our date table. i just want to BE with my life for a few days and not add anything to the mix. i feel like this makes me a big scaredy cat but whatever. i can only handle so much new stimulus sometimes and i love that i know when to say when.

    he got so timid at the end of the conversation as i am feeling so sleepy (which i told him) and just says..”well call me.”

    i will call him:) but not right now like i really want to, to apologize for seeming like i a blowing him off. that’s crazy. haha i love my crazy gut reactions.

  186.  #186gina on January 5, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    On another note – I feel angry yet amused by men right now. I went to work and all the guys were like “DAAAAAMN GINA!!” They always do that, but tonight it was pretty ridiculous. And one of the servers started flirting with me in the most rotten way – I was folding napkins, and he came over and knocked over the whole pile!! and then he didn’t pick them up. So i took them to the manager and said that I wouldn’t be fixing them, so where should i put mikey’s mess? And mikey got mad at me for “tattling” so he went and put soy sauce over an entire stack of napkins I had folded! He kept it up, too, putting dirty dishes by the host stand, tearing up paper and throwing it on the ground. throwing my money on the ground. Apparently he’s moving to alaska, and I guess he wants my attention before he leaves. THEN, my boss from another job, who I slept with came in to eat with a former coworker – pretty sure he’s sleeping with her, or at least is trying to be. I coulda felt pretty weird to be witnessing their little date, but my feelings for him are just about null and void. THEN, there is a guy I’ve been chatting with on Match.com. He lives an hour away, so we’ve only texted a bunch and chatted on the phone once. I let him know that I don’t want an imaginary relationship, so we have tentative plans for sunday. But the course of the conversation has grown steadily more and more sexual. He’s asked for pics and I’ve sent friendly ones. He says that he wants a “booty shot” and I’m like no way. He texted “What kind of guy am I??” then “A BOOTY guy.” I didn’t find this very attractive, but was amused. I said “uh oh. I’m 40% boob.” he said “haha and what percent booty?” and i said “maybe 15%?” he said “that could be okay….” I said “it’s a nice booty, just not a big booty.” I was indulging this conversation, but feeling less and less interested. He said “perfect.” then “just so long as it has shape.” I said “what if it’s a flat square shape?” he said “what’s your last name spongebob?” – cause he wanted to google me… and I was like “so now you really wanna check it out, huh?” he said “yep.” and i was like “bwahaha!!” which was pretty mean of me, since he did give me his name to google yesterday. He said “I’ll remember this!!!!” I encouraged him to look me up without my last name. but he didn’t text for a while and said “aaaaaanyway…” and then I went ahead and told him but said that I felt disappointed that he didn’t go along with it and play detective. and then he said something about how he was sure we’d do lots of poking around. I said that I felt like I walked into that one. he said he “couldn’t resist” and he wondered if we could play doctor since we missed out on detective. i didn’t respond. and he didn’t write me…the guy has been texting non-stop, and I’m pretty sure he stopped cause he thinks I have a flat square booty. and I don’t – my butt is pretty cute and round. but now i just think he’s unworthy. I almost feel inspired to send him a pick of my cute backside and say “eat your heart out SUCKA!!! you snoozed and losed.”
    I feel amused and a little disgusted.

  187.  #187gina on January 5, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Aww thanks Alias Girl. I feel touched. I feel relieved to hear forgiveness and surprised to hear gratitude coming from you! I feel really glad that the air feels clear!

  188.  #188Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    you wrote:

    His words:
    Btw.. Do you have an email address I can use? When do I get to see you again?

    Ok, so I want to say Im free fri and sat, oh & btw Im getting an award sat, you wanna come??

    Ok, how do I pull that one off????
    And what tools will help me stop obsessing??

    “you get to see me Sat, receiving an award…and you can use my e-mail address to rsvp 🙂 I can see myself feeling really good onstage having your support …..”

    or something like that maybe….flirty 🙂 and succint.

    bull-whip cracking and a smile…comes to mind….lol

  189.  #189gina on January 5, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    I really appreciate your compliment, but I feel compelled to point out that we Both felt triggered and we both worked it out. I respect you for speaking up and for your willingness to forgive my mistake.

  190.  #190alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    yes gina we both were triggered, i agree. we both did pretty well. i feel good about the whole interaction. i learned a lot from it.

  191.  #191dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    gina, he probably quit texting you because he realized he was being borderline come on way too freaking strong. he didn’t want to be THAT guy.

    but you know what? who cares why he quit texting you? who. freaking. cares.??? it’s not your job to wonder what his deal is, right?

    but seriously spongebob (hehe), i highly doubt it’s the booty thing! and he’s somewhere thinking “um why did gina stop texting me?” and beating himself up for sending the texts about playing doctor.

    but who cares! grrrr i just feel triggered about myself because i am always falling into this loop of trying to figure out why a guy acts a certain way to me or says certain things, so i am probably coming off really blunt and rude.

  192.  #192Tina on January 5, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I won ten bucks at texas hold me weeeeeee, I feel rich!. I asked him if I was ready to play in the big leagues he said no. I won ten bucks anyway. We drove to the store together, I came home but as I was leaving his house, he said, Hey wait a minute, I popped my head back in, he said, yeah good game, I said thanks neighbor! here I am five bucks richer!

    “Truckman” just left the same email message asking if I was ready to “talk” he gave me his phone number, I have his phone number, just to make sure i got the the message he leaves it twice um ok whatever.

    He says he will be waiting for my call, I feel a snicker coming on. This is turning into some kinda game, I can feel it. I’m going to send him a “feelings message” email back to him. No phone call, these conversations feel boring to me know.

  193.  #193Tina on January 5, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    I’ll write it out on paper first, then send it. I feel a little embarrassed for showing my vulnerability grrrrrr! but ok, along with my abandonment issues lol oh and uh through in fear of intimacy grrrrrrrr. I feel all exposed and stuff but ok here we go. bbl

  194.  #194dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    hah! the guy i just wrote about emailed me in response to a youtube vid i linked to him a few days ago. i feel so good and devious in a sexy way to have his attention. like he’s not running away scared because i can’t go on a 1st date with him tomorrow. god damn that is sexy.

  195.  #195dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    aw tina, hugs for you!

  196.  #196dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    i want to write him back but when he called me earlier i said i was falling asleep…now i can’t sleep. i feel so conflicted like omg should i write back and tell him i can’t sleep. cuz it would feel great to chat a little bit via email.

    ut ohhh this is like strategizing and game playing. feels shitty.

  197.  #197Lisa on January 5, 2010 at 9:12 pm


    I, like you, am new here, and I like your idea of keeping the 3-month journal on feelings. My challenge is to be in the moment and express/feel feelings, too.


    Thank you for expressing your process of reckoning:

    feel it.
    see it.
    experience it.
    acknowledge it.
    but don’t stay in it.
    there’s nothing here.

    This is how it feels for me, too: There was nothing there. That reckoning feels so momentous, and yet it is so light. It is 7 years that has the heft of a rice cracker — a flavorless one, at that.

    So much angst on my part, but only because I cared and was invested. For him, it was a cruel game which left him unpreturbed. It is a bit difficult reckoning with being a plaything. I fancy I have always been more substantial than that, even if past relationships have not been that hot. At least I did not prostrate myself, but I did this time.

    So I am at the point of “what I don’t want” and setting boundaries.

    I am grateful to have this community. As you say, you do not need to walk these lessons with anyone else, but I find the feedback invaluable, as I’m sure you do, too. How rich to benefit by a multiplicity of perspectives.

    Thanks to all.

  198.  #198dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    it’s the strategizing and second guessing that feels shitty.

    email banter would feel good. so i stop second guessing myself because i’m a magical rock star tonight:)

  199.  #199Robin on January 5, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Thank you Nikita!!!!! It felt so powerful to read your words, I can really hear the Siren-ness in them…and my first reaction was ‘omg, i cant say that, He’ll get angry, Im scared!

    LOL..ahh fear…

    Im working on my vibe right now…I dont want seem masculine, like Im suggesting and breaking the 4 rules, and trying to make him do something (which essentially I am…so Im confused)

    Ive actually been wondering about this kind of thing with men, and trying to formulate a speech around it: you’re seeing Guy a,b,c…x,y,z 🙂 and you want to invite one of them to an awards ceremony, or to a party where its appropriate to have a ‘date’ or an escort.

    In this case, he txt me and asked me about my availability and so I have a way in, and THANK YOU again Nikita for your awesome comment!

    If he had not txt me I would have forgotten about considering bringing him. Im also feeling a little worried, b/c its a ministers’ appreciation dinner, so a lot of my family and friends from church will be there, and they can be nosy and I dont want to freak him out either.

    And yet, I also feel like he would enjoy that.

    And if I were a gf, its pretty much a given that I would lean forward and ask him to escort me.

    And with CD, I understand that we dont want to lean forward and invite him places, so do we just not do it AT ALL???

  200.  #200dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    I dunno about not inviting guys at all. I think it depends how you feel. I feel good and really social and fun to invite men to hang out for group activities with my friends. I like this especially because it is really important to me for my friends to like a guy that i like. i tend to keep the bad ones hidden from them, haha.

    holy shit i can’t stop laughing at the PSA for “sexting” on MTV. Heheheheheh i feel giggly.

  201.  #201Robin on January 5, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    I did want to repeat the story that was in the text.

    Fw: Coffee-Food for thought

    A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, go together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work & life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen &and returned with a large pot of coffee & an assortment of cups-porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite-telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
    When all the students had a cup of coffee in their hand, the prof said: “If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive & in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups..And then you began eyeing each other’s cups.
    Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, $$, & positions in society are the cups. They are just tools ot hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.”
    God brews the coffee, not the cups….Enjoy your coffee!”
    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
    Leave the rest to God.

    Ok, there was a lot that I got there. First, it felt weird to see this after Ive been working on making myself more expensive…

    And yet, it felt moving to remember that I dont have to be where I want to be, financially, in my career, or even my love life, to enjoy life, to love myself, to date myself, to take care of myself…Im already FABULOUS!

    The timing seems impeccable b/c Im really focussing on changing things in my life that are holding me back, such as my finances and my career..so it felt good to be reminded that while its good to have goals and improve in certain areas of my life, those areas dont make me any less valuable NOW.

    And this came from a guy who is way more financially stable than I am, so Im reminded that I dont need to think less of myself b/c he has more $$.


  202.  #202Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 9:51 pm


    he asked you how can he see you….and could he e-mail?

    aren’t we responding authentically? he can see you there…on that day…..unless you want to give him friday which it sounds like you are available for him on sat?

    how is it really initiating? he’s asking for directions….

    but if it feels pressurized to have family around-for YOU then, you are available friday -take it or leave it 🙂 or do better…..let him get creative after you honestly answer/reply to his inquiry.

  203.  #203Robin on January 5, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Dorothea, it feels so reassuring to hear that! I certainly want a guy Im seeing to get along with my family and friends, so its important to me…

    Ooh, and Im feeling a little triggered, the words “friendship is important to me” just popped in my head, but my mind meant about the GUY..

    And I immediately felta sinking feeling in my body…b/c I decided last year, I had HAD IT with the ‘friends’ card, and that I dont like the idea of being friends with a guy Im dating or with a guy I have feelings for.

    I used that as an excuse for so long to avoid true intimacy, and then, it comes as no surprise, all the guys said I was a ‘friend.’

    Not anymore.
    I wont stand for it.

    And Im still getting triggered. My mom says about my fav guy, before he sent the txt, just that.

    She’ll suggest I send him a txt, or call him, or ask him somewhere, and when I ay i dont want to do that, she gets pissed off (her words…) and says, why not? you guys are friends. why cant you just ask him/call him/txt him? You guys are just friends who go out occasionally.

    IS IT??????????????????

    B/c Im pretty sure if it WERE that, he wouldnt be getting the time of day from me.

    Im not in this to be ‘friends’ with men.


  204.  #204dorothea on January 5, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    i can’t sleep i’m going to smoke some weed. HEY INTERNET I OPENLY SMOKE MARIJUANA. haha i feel feisty and sleepy.. bad combination;)

  205.  #205Tara on January 5, 2010 at 10:28 pm


    First, lots of love & hugs to you.
    I know I’m not one of the more experienced ladies here, but I was cheated on by my first husband and a couple of other men who broke my heart, so maybe I have some insight to offer.
    I know men who cheated on their wives or girlfriends, then met the goddess of their dreams, fell violently and passionately in love with her, and never looked at another woman after that.
    None of these men were former BFs, so maybe they were more honest with me, but they all said that they would have done anything to be with the “one.” I agree with Tinque on this.

    What matters is that you have been burned, and this will always be a sensitive area for you, as it is for me.

    Your guy made a good start by being painfully honest with you. If he still had the mindset of a habitual cheater, he likely would NOT have told you.
    It must have taken marvelous strength on his part to tell you something so awful about his past. And at least he told you before you fell completely in love with him.

    We all have baggage, some of us have made horrible mistakes that we wish we could go back and un-do, but we can’t. I have a few of those, too, and it would be really hard for me to tell a man about them.

    What does your beautiful intuition tell you? Has it led you correctly in the past, with the other men who cheated? Did you see red flags or have uneasy feelings in those relationships? How do they compare with what you feel when with this man?

    Are you able to do a feeling message to him about it yet?

    If not, can you use that feeling of “being cheated on now” to help release some of the old pain, and work through more of the healing process with yourself?
    The fact that it feels just like it did when you were previously cheated on means that there is still more pain to be cleared.
    How would it feel to let that pain come up, acknowledge it, feel it deeply, work with it, and then let little bits of it float away, knowing that your life can be different now?

    And how would it feel to give yourself a break and have a great ski trip NOT THINKING about this at all?

    I too, would LOVE to know what tools work for getting rid of FEAR. I now realize that a big part of my relationship problems arise from fear of getting hurt, lied to, or cheated on as in the past.

    I now look back and see that I spent my entire relationship with Steve in a state of fear and desperation, unable to enjoy it, even when he was telling me every day that he loved me. It was miserable.

    How can we deal with these past fears?

  206.  #206mary on January 5, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Tara, your comment feels deep and strong and it seems like there’s lots of wisdom there.

  207.  #207janjune on January 5, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    that feels hilariously familiar –
    i think you just described an imaginary relationship!
    “It is 7 years that has the heft of a rice cracker”.
    omg, LOL!… LOOOOOOL! 🙂

    ive been working through the ebook line by line, staying off the blog. it’s felt good. but also feels good to check in and see what’s going on. yes, having the blog feels very good. observing other people’s processes and progress is uplifting.

    – since i read a post or two back that you said your mother taught you *not* to express your feelings, i’ve wondered if you’ve been tempted to use rori’s
    “i feel…” messages Tool.
    but im not sure if that’s being pushy or bossy or something else i’m not supposed to do on the blog!
    but AG kind of prompted me into beginning to use the “i love my [“negative” perception/feeling] Tool and i feel glad she did because i was stuck riffing and that was the next step, for me.

    the poetry you bring here is very expressive as are your own words, so anyway, i just wanted to express that i feel supportive when you get ready to use that Tool.

  208.  #208mary on January 5, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    here’s the truth: i would rather sit around on siren island than study. i must strap myself to my boat and have someone row me away…

  209.  #209Erika Awakening on January 5, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    I feel deep sadness tonight, and am not going to cover it up trying to be “above it all.”

    I feel weary of the “positive thinking” stuff on Facebook.

    I notice how with my clients if I’m willing to go all the way into the negative with them, all the way into despair if necessary, without holding back at all, without trying to fix them and get them to more positive thoughts, they end up feeling way better. People so want to be heard, and if they feel crappy, the last thing they want to hear is “lighten up, think positive.” Feels grating and negating.

    Anyway, if it were me in this situation, I’d say something in advance of the date, by text if nothing else, saying, “hey, it was fun running into you again, and just for the sake of clearing the air, it felt a little weird to me not hearing from you for six months after we had been hanging out a lot before that. I’m curious what was going on for you that you went off the radar for a while.” or something like that …

  210.  #210Tina on January 5, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    I dont want to hear his voice right now, I sent him an email, cheesy but yeah, anyway, I wished I had saved it and can post it here but it got sent, I sent him an email about my feelings around sex and that i didnt want to focus on that, things are happening to fast blah blah blah, i wished I had saved it , I felt good writing it out on paper first, the I “dont wants” this helped a lot. hello there, are you ready to talk yet?

    Truckman says;
    I have tried your phone a few times and it appears you are online, so if you could please call me at home at 000-000 i will be waiting for your call and watching the hockey game. You can call collect or call me and i will call you right back so as to save you long distance charges.

  211.  #211Tina on January 5, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    The whole hockey season will be over before I call him, grrrrrr. I feel like an ass and will probibly say something really wronge if I talk to him in person on the phone.

  212.  #212donna on January 5, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    I met a man several months ago and fell hard right away. I am injured from a horse back riding incident that happened in July and have not been able to return to work yet. We started seeing each other and at first I thought I found the one. He flaked out on me at Christmas time when I invited him to come over and bake cookies. I spent the day with my friend David and we had a blast but I wanted to be with Terry. When he did call back I told him he was a flake. He acts bored often in my presence. He rarely holds my hand or is complimentary toward me. I am dating many other men but he is my heart. I have told him that I love him. He is a quiet alpha male that has captured my heart. He is out of work (most of the time) due to the economy and has lost his home and he shows no despair. I find myself obsessing about how to make him love me, but I know that you can’t make someone love you. Once in a great while he is affectionate with me and I eat that up. I know I can do better then him, however I love him. I am seeing another man and he often tells me that he loves me and wants to marry me. I tell him that I am not in love with him and just lately he gave up on me and said that he will no longer see me since I am not in love with him. We had a blast together and I shall miss him very much. I am keeping uber visit so that I can forget about Terry. My sense of him lately is that he is not into me. Any advice would be so deeply appreciated.
    Thanks for reading my dissertation.

  213.  #213Tracy on January 6, 2010 at 12:43 am

    I like your response!
    I must admit that in the past i always felt scared of explaining my irky feelings…yet i felt them all the same.
    I noticed that suppressing them makes me feel even worse and whenever i meet the guy again i feel uncormfortable and i am unable to be myself…
    I have started with ackowledging that i feel angry/frustrated dissapointed when things don’t go as planned or when a guy fails to step up…i am acknowledging that to myself…how i feel and why i feel the way i do…
    I am still working on expressing it to the person.Sometimes i feel that how i feel is deeply connected to my interpretation of the situation and how i would have hoped it to be and not necessarily what the guy did or didn’t do.
    I also feel that both the good and the irky feelings are equaly important.I always tried to supress my anger/frustration or when i felt humiliated…
    I denied the irky feelings and only wanted to have the good feelings….
    Both my good and bad feelings are equally important.They help me discover and be in touch with my real self…I can know where i am heading by listening to both of them…

  214.  #214Tracy on January 6, 2010 at 12:55 am

    I have dated a number of men with a similar background.I always wondered why i attracted men who did not give me an equal amount of attention and always had some sort of financial crisis looming around….and i always found myself trying to help them or looking for ways to change them…
    I am circular dating at the moment and some of the guyz still have the tendancy to want me to save them…..and those i are the ones i get the least affection from….
    I believe that i create my own reality and i am trying to study within me to see what makes me attract these men….I must be projecting a vibe that sends me these guyz and sometimes its unconscious….The men are merely messengers…
    I notice now that whenever my vibe changes…how i treat myself,my way of thinking,the men i attract change..the dating pattern changes…I still haven’t gotten it right completely….but i am learning a lot and i can see the difference…it feels like the right path to my happy eva after…its already began..

  215.  #215janjune on January 6, 2010 at 1:04 am

    you may want to try rori’s “horrible, toxic man” post.

    in case you wouldn’t know how to find it, just go to the home page of the blog. look to the right side, go under “pages”, select rori’s blog directory, select “attraction”, i think it’s the sixth post in the list.

    i just read it- the story is somewhat different than yours, but rori’s answer is spot on!

  216.  #217Tina on January 6, 2010 at 5:26 am

    That, from now on, is your one, non-negotiable criteria for a man…he must be crazy about you, so you have no doubt. You must be RECEIVING all the time. No giving. No waiting. He must be able to DO a lifelong relationship. He must be able to give. He must be able to take the good with the bad, to “catch” your feelings, to want to work through things with you. He must be able to be there for the long haul – because he WANTS to. He must be a GOOD man.

    This part I like 🙂 taken from the link Mary posted. I think its the last paragraph.

  217.  #218Flipper on January 6, 2010 at 5:49 am

    “Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF” The second part is Just As important as the first, it’s like saying “Love yourself, Love others”. or “How you love yourself is how others can be loved.” The whole message was there, and for most of my life I only heard half. No wonder I felt confused and resentful – however much I “loved” others, neglecting loving myself made it impossible for the power of love to operate. Like with the other examples, limited or negative interpretations subvert the true message.

    Melanie, I seem to recall Rori’s answer to your first post – wasn’t there something about fear of intimacy?
    Even if not, that’s how your story triggered for Me, because that’s where I’m coming from. Shutting down a safe, long distance relationship near the point it might start to become real would feel like a red flag about my own issues that I would love another Siren to point out, so if that can help, I feel okay daring to bring it up.

    I felt good learning you’d decided to keep in contact, rather than ‘protecting’ yourself in the old way by cutting everything off. And tho’ you still may feel too scared to share feeling messages directly about your trigger (facebook unfriending), it felt good that you went with sharing your feelings about Archie.

    I heard so much trying to figure out, so many Assumptions about Why he did that. The truth is, you’ll never know unless he wants to tell you – the reasons don’t matter, it’s only his ‘wanting’ to reassure you or be forgiven, etc, that matter. I’d go with a simple feeling message Only about My feelings (turned off, stomach blasted out of my body, despair and anger all at once… whatever), in one or 2 sentences Max and NO putting words or interpretions with “you” (I felt bad cuz I felt like You were hiding s’thing, “you” didn’t thnk I was good enuff etc.). I don’t want to excuse the guy, but one thought I had was that FB for him really is just friends and public stuff, and he doesn’t want to mix anyone more intimate with that – and prolly many other possibilities that you or I cannot even imagine. xxoo

  218.  #219DocK on January 6, 2010 at 7:50 am

    Robin – I like your story about the coffee and cups – though, I get confused too because I feel that I (and everyone) am entitled to the best in life. There is nothing wrong with it. (I think people obsessed with it and having status conscious material possessions are more the issue).

    On the other hand, having a conversation with some friends about winning the lottery and what we would do I said that I would work out and dance every day. The guy at the table said, “Wouldn’t you get bored?” and I said, ‘No, I have pretty much worked out or danced every day for the last 30 years and I haven’t gotten bored yet.’ So there came the big AHA! Sure a big pile of money would enable me to pay off some stuff, help people and causes I care about, but in the end, I’d be living life and enjoying my passion much as I do already so life is pretty good after all!

    Rori always tells us to keep our passions vibrant – I am glad that I have this in my life.

    Rori’s tools are amazing in so many areas of life. I signed up for a dance class this past Sunday with a couple that does choreography for the show SYTYCD. I was really excited but it was frigid on Sunday so I almost didn’t go and really had to push myself to go even though I love dance and usually have no problem with commitments like that.

    So I went. As the class started with all of these amazing young, gifted dancers (although they are primarily trained in ballet, jazz, etc and this was ballroom/latin) I stood there and let my crazy thoughts plummet to my pelvis and felt my feet planted on the floor and smiled and relaxed and focused on letting my heart open.

    It turned out that the female instructor couldn’t be there. Even though we were all coupled up to start dancing, the male instructor called me over to him to help him demonstrate the woman’s part for the entire class. This was so exciting to me because I am a huge fan of this dancer. As he took my hand I said, “I’m feeling a little bit nervous” and smiled and he smiled back and I did fine and had a blast.

  219.  #220DocK on January 6, 2010 at 8:09 am

    So that’s what I get for missing a series of posts and trying to read quickly and catch up – I read “good boobs!” and I’m wondering what that was all about – sounds interesting

    Here’s to boobs – they’re all good I think as far as most men are concerned LOL

  220.  #221Simply Shannon on January 6, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Thanks ladies! I really appreciate all of you who took the time to talk me off the ledge last night. We talked via email a few times today and I feel better now. Here’s what I emailed to him this morning and it pretty much summarizes what I’m figuring out about myself.
    I was reflecting on our talk last night, and I realized that my feelings of sadness and disappointment are just a cover for what I’m really feeling… fear. Fear that I’ll fall in love and end up being disappointed or betrayed again. I know I’ve changed so much and I trust myself now but… there’s a little pea of self-doubt hidden underneath my mattress.

    I feel frustrated with myself because these are MY fears. It’s not like you changed into a completely different person or sprouted a new head or something. You’re still the boy who kisses me sweetly and passionately all at the same time (wow), the one who writes me notes just because you’re thinking of me, the one who braves holding my hand in church even if you’re not sure you should. I feel special and cherished when I’m with you. I do not want to shut you out or lose any of that because of my fears.

    I can’t promise I won’t ever feel freaked out about this again, but that would probably be true for me even if I was with someone who never cheated before. Does that make sense? I’m not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination. I feel afraid and sad sometimes, and most of the time it’s got nothing to do with anything anyone else has said or done. It’s just me being me. Apparently Simply Shannon ain’t so simple after all. 🙂


    He wrote back and comforted me. I believe his words. I believe he’s being just as open and honest with me. I don’t feel scared right this second. I also believe he’s falling for me and me for him and that feels so crazy! Here’s one more thing I wrote to him in a separate email. This is my dream (with or without him)… this is what I want…
    Who knows what will happen between us but I feel open to the possibilities. I want a chance to write a new story, one filled with lots of adventures… always feeling curious about one another and the world around us. And I don’t want it to have an ending, just lots and lots of pages and chapters.

    And I am going skiing on Friday with another guy. Just call me ROCKSTAR. 🙂

  221.  #222Simply Shannon on January 6, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Dock: I’ve had that exact same thought about the lottery! Too funny! If I won the lottery, I would pay off my debt and buy a beach house (my dream) but mostly my life would stay the same because my life is pretty dang cool right now. I was just telling someone recently that is why God hasn’t let me win the lottery… I just don’t need it that much. Hmmm… law of attraction… maybe I need to adjust my thinking here. 🙂

  222.  #223Daria on January 6, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    When you ask for something, make sure it is born out of pleasure, not ego or revenge.

    – Mama Gena

  223.  #224mary on January 6, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Simply Shannon,

    There is nothing simple about you! I’m in love with you now, too! I was reading your letter and it was so beautiful that I started holding my breath, then breathing in and out very deeply, from some special, secret place that I didn’t even know about.

    I was imagining being him and reading about those sweet and passionate kisses, with the (wow) just thrown in there, and I felt so proud of myself and RECEIVED and APPRECIATED! And then you went on to call me brave! No. I would never, ever, ever cheat on you! You appreciate me too much! Make me feel like such a stud. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

    : )

    (But that’s just me and my imagination, because I know how rockstar you are. I was blown away when I read this.)

  224.  #225mary on January 6, 2010 at 11:34 am

    It sort of makes me want to write a letter to EXPLAIN things to the guy getting a divorce. (Read the new post – explaining = controlling!)

    But SS; this didn’t seem like controlling! It seemed like loosening the grips of control, and when I was reading it, and imagining being him, I just wanted to rush over to your house and thrill you with another one of my kisses!

    How did that happen? Your descriptions of my kisses. Of my bravery. Of your appreciation for my public displays of affection. I’m him, and I love being noticed and received so graciously.

  225.  #226Daria on January 6, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Shannon wow ! yeah me too! that is some big time appreciating there. i am taking notes. i thought i was appreciating big and mine were one liners!

  226.  #227mary on January 6, 2010 at 11:47 am

    daria, you crack me up!

  227.  #228mary on January 6, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    how about this letter to R:

    I’ve been reflecting (your word, Shannon!) a lot about family values. And it’s not really that important for my guy to be wild about visiting my family. Or to even visit with me very frequently. But I love going to Texas, breathing in the familiarity, being in touch with my roots and getting hugs and kisses from my family, and if I was with someone in a marriage scenario, I wouldn’t want any kind of limiting behavior around my visits. I need to feel free to visit whenever I want, and I know there is enough money to do so. I’m thinking of shorter, more frequent visits in the future, because they work better for me. What do you think?

    I’m not sure how to throw in any appreciation there, because R doesn’t want me to visit my family but once a year! or so… (whatever he can get away with…)

    yeah. he might not be the guy for me… sadly…

  228.  #229mary on January 6, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    but should I at least try to control him with this letter?

    : )

  229.  #230mary on January 6, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    maybe i won’t even bother.

  230.  #231Simply Shannon on January 6, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Thank you!! I feel so much better now. That trigger isn’t gone for me but it’s not the raging thing it was last night. I felt so surprised by my sadness after he left. I guess I didn’t expect to like him this much. And I didn’t expect to feel this open with anyone. I don’t want those walls to come back up. I can do this. I can be heart-unzippered-open. I won’t die if any man pulls away or I push him away for whatever reason. I still have that pea under my mattress but I’m learning to deal with it and express myself. It actually feels quite refreshing to have this out in the open. I feel comfortable talking to him about it and that’s like magic to me. So we’ll see. Continuing to circular date so I don’t get hung up on this one guy but he’s there and definitely in the rotation. Who knows…

    Mary, I feel curious about his reasons for not wanting you to visit your family. I would have a hard time dealing with that also. I would feel better tweaking the speech so that it was mostly about me. I mean, if a man told me “no” to visiting, I’d just go on my own without him. Sure I’d try to find a happy medium but I’m not going to stop doing the things I love just because someone can’t deal with it. So… that said, here’s my version:

    I’ve been reflecting a lot about my family and what they mean to me. I love going to Texas, breathing in the familiarity, being in touch with my roots and getting hugs and kisses from my family. I feel happy just thinking about it. It would feel great to share those moments with someone special…. to show him my roots and to enjoy him in the company of my family. I don’t want to feel torn between my family and any man. I feel disappointed when I sense you don’t like going to visit my family. I don’t know how to reconcile that. What do you think?

    I wouldn’t try controlling him or the conversation. We’re asking the men for help solving this “problem”. This is about us and what we would do and how disappointed we might feel not being able to share something that makes us so happy with a person we care about. He can do what he wants but this is how *we* feel. Make sense?

  231.  #232mary on January 6, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Shannon, thank you. I like it! I like the part about sharing those moments with someone special. And I absolutely don’t want to be torn between my family and a man! That doesn’t work for me.

    This is much better. Thanks so much! You have so much finesse.

  232.  #233Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 3:59 pm


    Thank you — yes, definitely an imaginary relationship (cue up The Temptations!)

    You are not at all out of line suggesting the “i feel…” messages Tool. I solicit all good input; I can use all the help I can get 🙂 Right now, I am working off of Rori’s newsletters and site, as I cannot yet afford the programs.

    If you or anyone else cares to offer any suggestions on using the “I feel” technique, I would be most appreciative. JanJune is correct that I never learned how to access what I feel, much less express it. The goal was always molding myself to fit in with another’s paradigm.

    I remember how very sad and defeated I felt in this recent past relationship when the man converted it into only talking about work (even though there was sex occasionally, too. A FWB scenario, though he would not declare for it.) But I soon acclimated, burying my authentic desires for affection and connection, becoming a work and travel “buddy”.

    He would walk into my home and never offer a hug. When I would ask for one, he would accuse me of being controlling and demanding. (So the previous post about being controlling triggers me.) I am not controlling; I ask for what any human in relationship would want

    When he would walk out after creating a fight, I eventually stopped despairing (on the surface) and would say, “Buh-bye. See ya.” At first, I would cry, then it became de riguer. (He would ruin a dinner I would prepare, me: “See ya.” Really: Glad to see you go.

    So my job now is re-connecting with my desires and my humanity. Certainly, my femininity. To be a siren would make me smile. Right now, I am reconstituting my human feelings. I am like a woman who has been living in the desert.

  233.  #234Nikita on January 6, 2010 at 4:10 pm


    Dock posted a link on a list of feelings….dunno where it is…..or was it flipper? Perhaps if you looked at a non-violent communication site you could get a list? or one of the other sirens remembers….I have a list in a book I own and sometimes I look at it to find a feeling….other times I get creative and make them up 🙂

  234.  #235alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    list of feelings page previously posted by docK:



  235.  #236alias girl on January 6, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    lisa in the beginning i just said “i feel” as much and as often to everyone all the time.

    shannon i feel happy you feel better. you sound strong and self accepting of no matter what happens with any man, you will be ok. ROCKSTAR!

  236.  #237Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Thank you for the suggestion, Nikita, and for the link, AG.

  237.  #238Nikita on January 6, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    You’re welcome 🙂 thanks A.G., I feel so supported 🙂

  238.  #239janjune on January 6, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    hi goddess lisa,

    the first unfamilar *feeling* for me on this blog was seeing and acknowledging myself as a goddess…
    but i believe we really ARE… whether we are accustomed to being present with that or not!

    i am so on board with this personal truth about feelings:
    *I can’t identify ’em if i can’t feel ’em.”
    oh, yeh.

    daria had this thing awhile back she wrote about that she has four basic feelings:
    i cant remember the other one—

    woohoo DARIA!!!!! Would you please tell lisa what your fourth basic feeling is? thanks!

    i feel understanding of not being able to recognize emotions because right now i’m having much difficulty identifying how to take “passive” and separate it from “aggressive” and then blend the two to fall “on the edge of the coin” as rori has coached me to do.
    this just isn’t part of my knowledge base.
    so, finding my way through, experimenting…

    anyway, i am feeling the brightness of growth for myself and others who are building sweat equity in their lives using this awesome program of rori’s.

    we are going to make it!!!!! to Happy Ever After!

  239.  #240mary on January 6, 2010 at 8:15 pm


    and i add:


  240.  #241Lisa on January 6, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Thanks, Mary.

    JanJune, this is it:

    “anyway, i am feeling the brightness of growth for myself and others who are building sweat equity in their lives using this awesome program of rori’s.”

    To the ramparts for “sweat equity” 🙂

  241.  #242DocK on January 7, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    OK – so I AM feeling ornery!!!!

    “What to say when he’s hurt you…”

    “Bye Bye
    “I’m sorry DOCTOR” (line from Little Shop of Horrors)

    (I’m just being tongue in cheek – laughter is the best medicine)

  242.  #243Mercedes on January 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Shannon honey…I’m so sorry…

    I don’t know what to tell you really. A part of me wants to say “what’s in the past is in the past and your relationship with him is/will be different than his relationship with her”.

    And part of me wants to say:

    “Run like the wind girl!!”

    I don’t know…you’ll have to feel this one out. I know for me, I was totally opposed to EVER being with a man who would cheat. Then I was cheated on. Then I fell in love with the man who cheated on me all over again.

    But…I didn’t fall in love with that same man, did I?

    I fell in love with the man he had become through a journey of healing and growing and changing FOR HIMSELF.

    I don’t know if I can really recommend you talk to him in detail about all of this, but, because this topic is so close to your heart, maybe a discussion with him about “why” it happened and about his journey of self-healing to insure he will never do anything like that again is in order.

    I can tell you though…if you talk about “why” and he says words like “she always…” or “she never would…” and starts the blame the woman game. Get out.

    If however, he says “I was such a different man then” and “I feel horrible that I was ever someone who could do that”…

    Then you have something you might be able to work with.

    I love you girl and I’m sorry I’m so detached right now. Things are hard for me and filling my days and evenings….

    I miss you.

    I miss you all and am so sorry…I know I owe many of you responses to emails and comments on my blog, etc. I wish I had the time…I really do…

    But I’m certainly thinking of you all the time.

    Much Love,

  243.  #244Tara on January 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Your words to him were amazing and brilliant! You rockstar, you!

    I had an amazing success story yesterday.
    After writing to Shannon, I thought about my own fears and Steve.
    The next day, I was sitting on campus in my car, during a break between classes, thinking about Steve. I wanted to text him; I was angry and annoyed that he hadn’t contacted me. I looked down and realized my hands were in closed fists! I remembered Rori talking about that in the e-book, and opened my hands, visualizing letting go of Steve’s shirt and what that looked and felt like.

    I realized that I had closed fists with him the whole time and still did — both grabbing onto him desperately and pushing him away due to my fears of getting hurt (like Shannon mentioned), all at the same time!
    Then, I practiced unzipping my heart and melting a bit.

    I wrote down some intentions in my special red, heart-covered notebook, like:
    “I can change my energy.”
    “I can change things about me that no longer serve me.”
    “I can open my heart.”
    “I can receive, accept, and ENJOY love from a man I want.”

    I repeated them while allowing the nice warm love from my heart to flow up through my crown chakra, and make a fountain cascading down around me — using Rori’s Fountain tool to bathe myself in self-love. Wow! It felt AMAZING!

    (The posts about LOVING YOURSELF really got me going here).

    It was time to go to class. About 30 seconds after I walked into the building, I ran into an old friend — a guy I had a crush on years earlier, but he was never interested in me. He gave me a huge hug and asked if I still did massage therapy, since he’d been in an auto accident last week. I do, and I happily agreed to accept him as a client (I have done a lot of work w/auto accident victims, and even partnered with a local chiropractor a few years ago, so this is my area of expertise. I no longer practice full-time due to burnout and wear and tear on ME, but will work on friends and family). He also wants to take me out for coffee!

    Then, since I was feeling like a rockstar, I texted Steve. To my surprise, he not only texted back with enthusiasm, but called and suggested we go out for coffee next week.
    I talked to him for about 15 minutes, and my only goal was to practice Level 2 listening, which I did successfully, and to keep bathing myself in that abundant fountain of self-love from my unzipped heart, which I also did. I focused on sending my energy to ME, not him.
    I did NOT feel one bit of that desperate, clinging, “oh-my-gosh-I-am-so-in-love-with-you” feeling during our phone convo. I don’t even remember if he said “I love you” or not and I really don’t care.

    Last night I was going to drive by the theater to see if his car was there at the auditions, but right before I was going to leave, a good male friend showed up to do some energy work on me and I never made it over there. Oh, well. 🙂
    I decided to completely let go of whether Steve is in the show or not and to go join that other group in the nearby city that does only Shakespeare.

    The fountain tool seems to be a good one for me to deal with fear. It feels so good I think I’ll do it every time I start to have thoughts about him or how we were at this time last year.

    I have also figured out that if I can use these tools while dealing with Steve, I can do just about anything. 😀

    Thank you, lovely Sirens and Rori!

  244.  #245Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Found this intersting article on Yahoo’s page: Definitly things I dont agree with. Here it is:

    “There are are many circumstances that create the perfect storm for a deep committed relationship. In addition to compatibility you need good timing, luck, and both parties must be willing to commit.

    There’s no secret formula for getting someone to commit– I’ll try to figure that out in another blog. But if your’e hoping to have more “relationships” instead of “casual dating” in 2010, here are some pointers to get you where you want to go:
    1. Communicate More

    You might be heading into a serious relationship without even knowing it. It’s tough to know it if you don’t talk about it, or say how you feel. Of course, this kind of conversation should be strategic and well-timed. But if you both continue dating without acknowledging verbally that things are getting deeper and more intense, you’re just treading water. Make sure you both are on the same page; this is a key component to taking the next step from dating to relationship.
    2. Don’t Take The Best One For Granted

    We all know that good boyfriends/girlfriends are not a dime a dozen. But that doesn’t stop us from taking a good one for granted sometimes, or wondering if there is someone else out there. Remember how hard it is to find someone special, and you’ll feel lucky every day. If you take someone for granted, they might turn into the one that got away.
    3. Step Up Your Efffort

    Committed relationships are not easy. There’s an element of a natural fit, but all relationships require work. The main reason I’m so bad at committing is because I’m lazy. No room for laziness if you’re going to be in a serious relationship. You have to be ready for things to get more intense, and accept the responsibility of a serious relationship.

    4. Stop Seeing Other People

    There are many reaons for seeing other people: keeping your options open, protetcting yourself from getting in too deep, etc. But if you’re going to be in a committed relationship, you obviously can’t see other people. Time to break off any other little side projects.

    5. Don’t Second Guess Yourself

    It’s easy to doubt your feelings every now and then, but you have to limit the second guessing so it doesn’t limit your relationship. Sure, it’s tough to know if you really like someone, but a lot of times it’s all in your head and you talk yourself in to and out of things instead of just going with your gut.

    6. Remember You Deserve It

    I run into the problem that, because of my Italian-Catholic guilt, my crisis thinking, and my over-analysis of everything, I don’t deserve it when good things happen to me. Or, I figure that once something good happens, then a bunch of bad things have to happen to offset the good thing. Chances are, you’re not as insane as I am, so remember you do deserve a great relationship.

    7. Take A Risk

    When when you decide to be in a serious relationship, it feels like you’re taking a leap off a cliff (and maybe you are). Every relationship involves an element of risk, and have to go for it once you decide to do it.

    8. See It As A Beginning, Not An Ending

    Men look at that “plunge” as the end of single life, the end of freedom and the last gasp of immaturity. But we should learn to see a commitment as a beginning instead of an ending. It’s the beginning of a new life, and more meaningful relationship with a person you care deeply for.

    9. Recognize The Signs

    Make sure you acknowledge when something feels different in a good way. I tend to gloss over good things, or miss signals. Don’t ignore it, go with it.

    10. Grow Up

    If you get into a serious relationship, it’s time to stop one night stands, stop getting wasted so much, and stop going everywhere in groups with your friends. Priorities and time budgeting certainly change once you’re in a relationship.

    Do you agree or disagree with my list above? What adjustments and strategies do you think are useful to go from a “dater” to more of a “relationship” person?”

    Umm…how about a ring on that finger?

  245.  #246Robin on January 7, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Flipper, thank you for reading and respoding!

    I have heard nothing from him, and its funy how I got a mgs from him earlier that morning asking if I receivced his story…and Im left wondering if I had responded with “fri or sat would feel good..” if his response would have been different.

    It almost feels like he’s running..

    Anyway, Im not sure what to say the next time I see him, if I want to say “I dont know When you can see me gain, Im feeling bad..”

    It hit me last night, my mom loves him so much, and she’s making excuses for him…but I just cant do it too, b/c its compromising my happiness and my vibe

  246.  #247Flipper on January 7, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Robin- bummer about your Mom’s pressure, poor lady just doesn’t realize that she’s Not helping. (Can you think of any feeling messages to use with her?)

    Tues – to go or not to go? Have you seen Lori’s recent posts on the “New Questions from You” thread – you might find some insight and support from there. Some pretty radical refusal to change plans, with some even more radically delightful results. I’d want to want (not sure I could actually be this way) to stick with the party, and if ex-fav Insisted on seeing him that day, then tell him I’d see whether he could come, too, if he liked that idea.

    As for “Anyway, Im not sure what to say the next time I see him” – why not say just that “I’m not sure what to say….. I feel weird – we were seeing each other a lot and I was really enjoying that; and suddenly it seems like not much is happening. I feel kinda up in the air.” Dunno if “What do you think?” would feel right at this point.

  247.  #248Marlyne on January 8, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Well my relationship with my boyfriend just went out the window now. We dated for 3 years and 1 month. He broke up with me on December 28,2009 and yesterday January 7,2010 he told me that we should see other people. I gave him everything I had to offer to him. I try to be strong to keep myself together and not be depressed. I wish to get him back for me, but I don’t want to look desperate for him. I miss him and still love him. I just hate that empty gut feeling inside of me. Please help me.

  248.  #249Marlyne on January 8, 2010 at 9:33 am

    He also mentioned that he does not have the same love for me anymore. I went to his house trying to make this relationship work. Nothing helped. He said he loves me, but not as much as before.

  249.  #250Rori Raye on January 11, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Marlyne, Welcome, and so sorry for your broken heart. Your story is so universal, and it just reinforces my belief that you should never, ever become exclusively involved with a man except for marriage (if that’s what you want). If a man doesn’t know by 4,5,6 months whether or not he wants you forever, then you should not consider him any more than any man you date for the 1st time….Love, Rori

  250.  #251Callista on January 22, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Thank you, AG. You made me realize that these guys who say one thing and do another, who withhold things after I’ve expressed my wants or needs (such as attention), who say all these lovely things to me in person then disappear, who stop calling or texting and then reappear a week later with a lame attempt to woo me… it’s all about control! They want to control me and the situation. It feels like control! It feels like manipulation. I don’t want to be controlled or manipulated. I feel so grateful for letting these guys go, no guilt… I have just avoided heartbreak, pain, anguish, and a potentially lengthy power struggle! I was feeling sad but now I feel powerful and just grateful… It makes so much sense, lightbulb moment!

  251.  #252Heather on June 24, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    I have been seenin dis guy for almost two years I do love him well I think I do…he have never took me on a out date at first we just spend at lot if of time together at my house…i sometimes feel use cuz I give him stuff and try to do things to show him I love him to make him commite to me but I know he sees other gurls that have been around longer than I have its like im tryin to win him over he tells me he love me and just hang in thier were goin to b together..but lately we been fussin cuz I want what he is not givin me and it has push him away so far where I have to ask and wait for sex…what have I gotten into? Are what should I do I just want to open his eyes and see im good to him and it hurts me the thought about him being a player

  252.  #253Nelly on October 10, 2011 at 8:41 am

    I don’t know if this will even be red lol but I always find it difficult to express my hurt to a guy that has influenced me to feel that way. He shuts down and becomes distant when he feels blame and I understand why he does it, I just don’t know how to express myself without him pushing me away because he can’t handle the emotion. He’s not even my boyfriend. Intact he is my best friend, but I’ve been in love with him since I was 13 and it’s been 7 years now. We went through a lot of deep stuff that bonded us through the years to the point where people try and tear us apart but we are unbreakable (even though we are just friends and have never hooked up or even kissed!) weird I know.. It’s even weirder that we talk like a married couple and argue like a married cuddle. We cuddle, snuggle in the same bed, we hold hands all the time and he’s constantly kissing me on the forehead. He knows I love him and he has told me so many times that he doesn’t feel the same way towards me. It’s confusing and I’m constantly getting hurt. I would never cut him out of my life he’s the only person I trust in this world so I don’t know how I’m meant to push aside how I feel when deep down when we are together and do romantic stuff, it honestly feels like he is in love with me, he just doesn’t know it or admit to it or maybe I’m just in denial. I have no idea. He’s 21 now and he has NEVER been with anyone and I’m the closest thing he has ever had to a relationship. Is there something going on or am I just crazy 🙁

  253.  #254Camille on October 10, 2011 at 8:50 am

    are you only spending time with him? Or are you dating other men? Wether or not he feels the same about you…..you cant second guess right now. If he says it you must accept it. But if he really only feels like you are “friends” you do much more than “friends”.

    Is that what you want in a relationship? I would go after what I wanted. I definitely wouldnt wait for his feelings to change. I would be seeking out what I wanted…………He may be keeping things that way because he feels secure youll always be there. Date others he may be able to see your not sitting around for him