What To Tell A Man About Your Feelings

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locked heartHere’s a great question from “Sunshine” about sharing some deep feelings of hurt:

The Question:

“Hello everyone, I am new to this blog and I hope not to be intrusive. I just have a question… must a man know you have cried for him if you’re trying to be sincere and open up to him? Is it ok if you tell him you have shed tears for him?

Or should you only say you have felt deeply hurt – Sunshine”

My Answer:

Sunshine – great question – and here’s the short answer – there is no reason to “tell” or “share” with a man ANYTHING in terms of “rules” or “right answers.”

Where you must ALWAYS be coming from is “Where am I coming from?”

In other words – if there’s a REASON you want to share this information with him other than just wanting to have a deep, meaningful, profound, honest and open communication and going “first” – then that’s where your work is.

The question to ask is of yourself – “Why have I cried “for him” – and why have I felt “deeply hurt”?

(The word “hurt” is not a good feeling world – so don’t use that…)
Scripting would say –

“Honey, I’d like to share something with you…just because I want to have a deep and honest and open communication between us. I don’t need you to do anything about this, and it’s not your fault…I just want to share that when ____(that) happened, I felt_____(sad, disconnected, furious…).”

Can you see how this works?

“Crying” is NOT a feeling.

It’s what happened when you FELT something.

So go find and share the feelings – and remember to not have an agenda about it except to be doing your part to create great communication.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Ninja was sick with a sudden, violent vomiting bug during the night. I woke up to hear him retching and groaning in the bathroom. I called in and asked if he needed anything, He said no. I went to the kitchen and brought up a bottle of water anyway and placed it beside him then went back to bed. I couldn’t sleep hearing him in pain but there was nothing I could do. All I wanted to do was go into mommy mode and take care of him and I wanted to insist he let me. I felt helpless. When he came back to bed I placed my hand on his shoulder to let him know I was there, when he turned into me I held him, when he went back to the bathroom I stayed in bed. When it was morning I got up and fed the kids and took them out so he could sleep. We had planned to pack up a certain amount of things but when he got up he was so weak and dehydrated and couldn’t keep any fluids down. I started to do the packing myself anyway, I turned it into a game and had the kids working in teams to complete tasks. We had so much fun and Ninja managed to get a handful of things done in a quiet room by himself too. I wanted to insist he go back to bed but stopped myself. I offered to drive but he said he could do it. I wanted to insist he let me but thought better of it. He seemed much better and able to eat again by last night. When we went to bed he cuddled me and thanked me for everything, for letting him feel wretched but not useless and said he was so glad to have me there and kept apologising for being sick and keeping me awake. My eyes were itchy and he went to get a cold washcloth, I felt so silly letting him take care of me even though he was still feeling sick and it was such a minor complaint but when we lay down I could feel him puffed up and happy again and was glad I didnt refuse his ovely gesture. This weekend was a huge challenge for me in Not overfunctioning (everything in me wanted to nurse to him) and maintaining a balance between us.

    One of my favorite moments this weekend was when Ninja went to lie down and I built a bonfire for the kids to roast marshmellows. All of a sudden I had the 2 little ones climbing on my knees and the other 3 cuddle around me on the log and try to scare me with ghost stories. I love how my kids and his kids get along so well and how they all love talking to me (non stop usually) and telling me all about their friends, feelings and secrets. All of my kids’ friends treat me like a second mother/best friend too, I love how children respond to me. I feel like a mother goddess around kids and its a wonderful feeling.

  2.  #2Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I’m feeling very teary after one of our support staff who I barely know came into my office and told me she’s going to miss me and I have such a gentle, tender heart that when she is giving her devotions she often thinks of me. I feel so moved and also embarrassed that this deeply religious women has me in her prayers. She said there have been 3 occassions in the last 6 months where she has been in frightened and in tremendous pain and I have appeared, noticed her discomfort and found the painkillers, water and chair she needed and sat to comfort her when everyone else passed her by. She says she’s seen me do this for others too and that she’s noticed I always have a smile, compliment and genuine concern for everyone around me and that while the rest may take it for granted she holds these moments in her heart. I feel so humbled and encouraged by her words.

  3.  #3RhymeandReason on June 23, 2014 at 8:55 am

    One thing I’ve found is that saying I was so sad or frustrated to the point of tears..that I wept or became overwhelmed when something happened or was said, grabs a man’s attention very quickly. Sometimes it opens things up and it’s easier to talk, but sometimes they take it personally. No matter how you say it they feel like they were to blame especially if they have daughters. It’s just something I’ve noticed. That’s when I do the “I’m just a girl” thing…and say girls cry when we’re happy, sad, mad. And sometimes it just happens when we can’t find words. So it’s not your fault that I cried. I just felt emotional and I just can’t really help how I feel sometimes.
    To me, it feels terrible to know that my feeling sad or offended made my man feel sad or guilty or worse. They really take it to heart and sometimes I feel like so much talk about feelings is in a way manipulative because it “works”. My *main* man, who was so stoic and cool when we began seeing each other over a year ago,talks about how he feels all the time now and I realize just how fragile these creatures can be. I just wish he’d make up his mind already and settle down with me!

  4.  #4RhymeandReason on June 23, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I would like to say one more thing. He told me once that he needed me in his life because I “make him feel” and that he needs to be able to feel. My heart melted.

  5.  #5Indigo on June 23, 2014 at 9:14 am


    I agree with you. I am very hesitant to say I feel sad, or disappointed to a man because they seem to be sensitive to it and to take it deeply personally.

    But I think I’m also hesitant because it seems to open things up in me, and before I know it I’m crying and can’t stop, and that’s not at all how I intended the evening to go, lol! 🙂

  6.  #6Tam on June 23, 2014 at 9:58 am

    I feel weird abut reading which words to use o not to use as they are bad words and might make him feel a certain way.
    I was just stood up for a date, and that is plain rude and disrespectful, and it made me very upset, and now I am supposed to sit home and draft a message making sure I do not hurt his feelings?
    I sometimes feel despondent and demoralized, like do we have to treat men like pussies who can’t face the truth about how their actions can impact on us?

    Do we need a man so badly, that we need to placate them all the time?
    I understand that we should not become defensive and remain open etc., but should we be afraid of calling a spade a spade?
    It’s more like mollycoddling children.
    I don’t want a child, I want a partner with whom I can communicate also when his actions HURT me.

  7.  #7Tam on June 23, 2014 at 10:03 am

    So what if they effing take it personally, maybe it is time they can grow some balls.
    I take being stood-up personally too.
    Nobody was molly-coddling me.
    I have to say, the more I date and the more I experience, the less tolerant I get.
    I feel fed up and I am not the only one.
    It seems we have bred a generation of pussy men who want easy sex, no commitment, don’t know how to treat a woman (argue about paying or her driving to him for the FIRST meeting) and then get their fee fees hurt if we tell them it is unacceptable to get stood up without a notice.
    Let me draft this:
    ‘I feel so sad that you couldn’t find the time for your effing fingers to type a ‘can’t make it tonight’, but Honey, I just wanted to share this with you’…
    Bah humbug.
    Rant over.

  8.  #8Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I feel my heart expand and warm when I read what your main cd said!!

    I’ve had 2 cds (One 4months & One 2 yrs)
    say something similar… when I heard the words my throat got chocked up and I had tears of happiness…
    It’s the classic reaction that Rori talks about.

    Watch out for those Tools!!!

  9.  #9Olivia on June 23, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Tam – I hear what you are saying. Here is where “disappointed” and “hurt” are words I save for big things -and my gut tells me what is big and what is not.

    I feel sad, lonely, angry is more about ME.
    Those emotions can arise out of nowhere, with memories, with something I see that has nothing to do with me really, or what someone else DID in the world.

    Hurt and disappointed are all about the external -someone else did something and that made me feel a certain way. Like you can’t be hurt that the weather was bad. A person had to do something. I guess you could be disappointed about the weather…but I digress.

    So when I say those words – the energy feels like I am flinging it toward the other person. When I say I feel sad, lonely, hurt it feels like it is coming towards ME. And my man is so much more apt to come at me with love and affection and apologies when I use those words instead.

    For example, if my Mom forgot to call me and I told her “I feel sad I didn’t get to speak with you” it feels like expressing myself and less about her explaining what happened. Although she probably will anyways.

    Whereas if I said “Mom, I’m hurt we didn’t speak” it feels a lot more like I’m demanding an excuse.

    I think the type of speak where you don’t say “hurt” and “dissapointed” more honors and respects the other person for their decision-making instead of coming at them as if they were wrong. Cause they are not a bad person for not treating you well or wanting to commit to you.. that’s their agenda. And ME – well I don’t have to sit around and be with this person who isn’t treating me well or wanting to commit to me.

    I hope this makes sense…

    I think it’s all about putting less emphasis on what I expect from others and more on me having an expectation for MYSELF (who I can control) and going towards people and experiences that make me feel good.

    The less expectations I have, the better people treat me, and the more I’m into me and feeling good and it’s just a crazy positive cycle.

    And then it all sort of works out.

    I’m still working with all these tools and the results have been so awesome.

    Hope that wasn’t too rambling or preachy…just been my experience.

  10.  #10Violette on June 23, 2014 at 11:37 am

    I’ve been out of town for like 9 days…and I don’t go back until next Sat, that’s 2 weeks total, a long time to be gone!

    It’s been nice being away from dating. And I also feel obligated to call them and don’t want to. And I also miss them and feel afraid of losing them, the 2 men in my rotation.

    S2 did call me today, to invite me to a party at his house. We’ve been on only one date, and I like him. Then he told me the party was tonight, and also I hadn’t heard from him all last week and I don’t know if he know I was gone all that time.

    I felt excited to hear from him but sad he was inviting me so last minute…then he said he was really sorry but he had to get off the phone and do some errands, like speaking on the phone with him was all I had going or something. Then he said he’d call me later, or try to call me later, but he’s not so good with making calls.

    I got off the phone feeling less excited about him.

    I don’t really know how to feel, being around my friends in my home town, they are all happily married to these adorable men who dote on them and have such darling families. They are so happy! It’s wonderful to see, and I feel a little silly for accepting as little as I sometimes do, and I feel silly for getting hung up on more superficial aspects of things. And I want what they want.

    And I have one guy in my life who “will try to call him even though he doesn’t like phones” and one who kisses badly but adores me to no end.

    I feel a little discouraged. I’m 35 and never been married and really feel worried sometimes. I want a grown up dignified life with a man I’m completely happy with, like what my friends have.

  11.  #11Olivia on June 23, 2014 at 11:39 am

    But make no mistake, if someone stood me up on a date, I could totally see texting him: “My time is valuable and I have wasted time waiting for you and that makes me furious!”

  12.  #12Olivia on June 23, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Ok I am sort of on a roll with the comments today.
    Kyla – you are a freaking rockstar!
    Violette -hugs. maybe this is a turning point and things will start to look up???

  13.  #13Indigo on June 23, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    I love what Olivia has said. It has been my experience also.

    I think maybe you have to look at what you’re hurt or disappointed about. When it comes to a man standing me up for a date with no word or explanation, I feel disappointed yes… but more empowered. I have no need to tell him all about himself or how I feel since it is quite clear that he will never get anywhere near me again.

    In terms of a man not committing to you… well, you can’t force a man to commit to you. That is his business, and as much as it may suck, it is his choice. And you don’t have to be waiting around for him. We don’t have to be giving him easy sex without a commitment. That is *our* choice.

    See, I’ve noticed, when I use the words “hurt” or “disappointed” to describe my feelings I am usually coming from a needy place… fighting against the way things are, trying to somehow push the other person into doing what I want. Instead of coming from an empowered place. What I’ve found, is that it’s perfectly ok to ask the man for a hug or a cuddle if you’re hurting, or to take yourself off somewhere and pamper yourself and care for your hurt feelings. Or to tell him what you didn’t like. But, I always want to be coming from an empowered place.

    I want to be always asking myself, what do I want to achieve here? Do I want this relationship, and hence do I want to keep it intact? Or do I not really care to see this person again? Do I want time to think it over? Do I want to go and care for my feelings, or do something which will make me feel better? What will bring me the best outcome for me?

    I’m a sensitive emotional creature, and I love that about myself… and in the past, I’ve been inclined to just let everything spill all out over a man. And I’ve learned that that doesn’t always bring me the best outcome. I believe in sharing my feelings yes… but I don’t want to be run by them. Sometimes approaching the situation in a different way can bring you more of what you want.

    For me, it all comes down to what do I actually want. If it’s this man in front of me, I have to handle the relationship more skillfully, and not simply offload everything inside me onto him, because men are actually sensitive to our feelings, as they should be. If I don’t want this man, I’m not sure I’d waste my precious time and energy telling them how their unworthy behavior has hurt me.

    Like Olivia, I hope I don’t come across as preachy… just my thoughts, and what I’ve experienced over the years.

  14.  #14Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    (((Tam))) if a man stood me up I would simply delete him, move on and not waste another second on him. No feeling message necessary. If he contacted me later I doubt I would respond as my trust in his reliability has already been blown.

    WRT using words like disappointed, disrespected and hurt, they are verbs (something he did to me) rather than adjectives (describing the emotion I’m feeling). These words are not heard by men the way true feelings like mad and sad can be heard. Avoiding these words for me is not to protect his feelings at all but to help me find better ways to communicate, words that clearly describe the emotion inside me and that can be heard by the person I’m sharing with.

    Instead of saying I feel disrespected it would be truer for me to say I feel furious. I don’t want to be (or whatever). I feel unimportant when that happens and that makes me feel shut down and defensive.

  15.  #15Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Olivia & Indigo Yes!!!

    Also… I have found with me…
    If I stop and use feeling messages…
    “I feel angry, or disappointed…
    or disconnected”
    this is ME being Vulnerable….
    I NEED to practice being Vulnerable…
    I WANT to LEARN to be connected with a man…

    My usual way, used to be,
    to say things that were NOT
    what I was really feeling…
    Because it felt WEAK
    to share MY real feelings with anyone…

    Sooo now when I share ME
    MY feelings…
    It is in MY best interest…
    Cause I am telling ME
    Azure… I CARE about YOU…
    YOU”RE feelings are valuable to ME…
    I will stand up for YOU and
    Tell the other person what I FEEL.
    I feel loved and cherished!!
    It’s ME slathering LOVE ALL OVER

  16.  #16Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Oops – I don’t want to be (or whatever).
    should have read I don’t want to be cut off (or whatever happened).

  17.  #17Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Ohhh… I thought disappointed and disconnected WERE feeling messages?

    Mmmm… I’ve been using the wrong feeling words…

    They still seem to work and keep the man from feeling like it’s his fault… I have always gotten good feedback from the man…. wonder why?

    Any thoughts here Sirens?

  18.  #18Liquid Light on June 23, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    I’m feeling so sad and disappointed with all the men I keep meeting. I had a date with another architect yesterday and he was smart and interesting. It felt promising but not in a I’m so excited about him kind of way, more like…maybe we’ll see. Then he went to kiss me at the end of the date when we were saying goodbye and I recoiled. He sensed it so that’s probably the end of that.

    Then today I ran into a guy whom I had noticed a coffee shop when I was there a few weeks ago. He seemed excited to see me and we greeted each other but as soon as I started talking to him, I became immediately uninterested. He seems like he spends his time in coffee shops, doesn’t really work and sort of looked ragged around the edges when I say him up close. I could hardly maintain a conversation with him and so I cut it off and said I had errands to do. Ughh.

    I just can’t get excited about anyone now and have no patience for them. And when I see more profiles online, it makes me feel ill, like its just more of the same. Maybe I need to stop.

  19.  #19Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Oh Azure if disappointed works for you then don’t second guess yourself sweetie!! Ive heard Rori say not to use disrespected and hurt, disappointed is my own addition. I’m sorry if I’m confusing, all my posts are from my own personal persepective, not Rori teachings.

    I don’t use disappointed as it implies I had expectations. Expectations that I had not communicated in advance, so I set myself up for the disappointment AND I set him up to fail and then I blamed him for not reading my mind to hide the anger at myself for not communicating my needs.

    I stopped using disappointed when I started working on speaking up and ‘be surprised’.

  20.  #20Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Thanks Darlin’
    AHhhh… that does make since!!
    From what you are saying I can see the implication of the word… I DON’T want to set my man up for failure OR blame…
    I HAVE used “disappointment” when I’ve asked previously for something… it felt like an inbetween word… ’cause I WASN’T angry… it was something softer…

  21.  #21Violette on June 23, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Olivia thanks for the encouragement.

    Things were looking up. That’s why I feel disappointed. I had 2 men that seemed like contenders for marriage, they really seemed to adore me and I adored them for it.

    I don’t see how the kissing can improve with S and S2 was icky on the phone.

    And I want to feel better. And a few days ago someone I had a wonderful fling with in another town, I saw him again and he was icky too…

    It feels like a lot of disappointment to process.

    I don’t even know how to feel better yet. The idea of standing up and dusting myself off one more time just feels tired now.

  22.  #22Violette on June 23, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    I guess I just want to feel depressed for a while, feel my way through this.

    If I had a magic formula to make S kiss me better and to ignore my instincts with S2, like maybe he was just nervous and isn’t always like that…

    But my dang instincts are so good these days.

    And I can keep dating both of them.

    But there’s a sadness about it.

  23.  #23Kyla on June 23, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Aww exactly Azure yes, if you asked and didn’t receive then disappointment really is the true emotion. Thats very brave and says that you had asked because it mattered to you. Your vulnerability is beautiful.

  24.  #24Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Ohhhh… Violette…
    2 adoring, contenders for marriage!! That is disappointing…

    I’m noticing on the blog right now
    I think it’s really interesting how
    The MORE we Sirens all are loving Ourselves….
    the Less men have the power they used to …
    I’m thinkin’ this is VERY exciting!!!
    Thank you Rori!!!

  25.  #25Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Kyla #23!!!
    (((hugs))) i feel so sunshiny, warm reading your post!!
    I LoVE the pat on the back!! 🙂

  26.  #26Azure Blu on June 23, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Violette #22,
    I’m remembering back with a cd of mine…

    When we hadn’t seen or talked to each other in awhile (maybe 1 or 2 weeks)…
    He was be acting distant and agitated…
    I thought about it during our date and then said softly…
    “I am feeling nervous like a young teenager after not seeing you for so long” ’cause I was feeling that way…

    Immediately he looked at me sweetly, softened right up, hugged me and the rest of the night was magical.

  27.  #27Nadia on June 23, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Tam, you’re my new best friend.

  28.  #28Violette on June 23, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Thanks for those words Azure Blue.

  29.  #29sequoia on June 23, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    I feel sad.
    The man who was crazy about me in the beginning seems to be ignoring me and I feel so tempted again to write him.
    And I feel sad as a part of me believes that I have made a lot of mistakes.
    The situation is triggering a lot of fear in me and I read one of Rori’s post on feeling the fear that comes up, when you stop yourself reaching out and do things to create contact.
    The fear even feels like sadness as it brins up tears, but I have the feeling its fear muddled up with sadness.

    It’s a long distant connection and I know I am imagining more than is actually there.
    My fear of opening myself and than being hurt comes up a lot, too.
    There is a strong sexual attraction and he wants to visit me so that we can explore that. When we met for the first time he pushed to have full sex but I wasn’t ready.
    There were also red flags and I was more or less the one who initiated contact after I left. And I feel so annoyed with myself for doing this now!

    So he mentioned that he is visiting friends and that we could meet then, he coming to visit me, inspired by our sexy messaging.
    And one part of me wants that and another one is very scared.
    So scared that I have written him already 4 times that I only want to have full sex with him unless he feels there is a potential for more.
    I also wrote him that I feel scared of loosing control and loosing myself…well I wish I wouldn’t have written all of that, but I did.
    I have to say so that I am not sure what his intention is and he also could just want to have sex, as our connection since our meeting has been merely around that, and that’s it.
    By expressing this my intention was to set my boundaries and to see if he still is going to visit me.
    But at the moment he is ignoring me.

    One part of me believes that I was cold and that I rejected him and I feel tempted to ask him if he is angry or annoyed etc….and I know this would be soo humiliating for me – why do I want to do that?

    I also know it would be sooo good for me to circular date.
    I am on a dating site and men write me but I do not feel attracted to most of them and the ones I felt attracted to and wrote to haven’t replied.
    There was one who wrote me a few days ago I liked, but so far I haven’t had a date yet.

    Things have shifted for me so as I am working now in a gym. I have never worked with so many man around. I started working out myself and I want to use the tools there as much as I can.

    I feel a bit cautious so as I work there and I can’t flirt to openly, at least that’s what’s holding me back at the moment.

    I would love to be more bold so and I do appreciate and tips and any inspiration.

  30.  #30sequoia on June 23, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    I just realised that my most is quiet negative and full of doubt…and I feel doubtful and negative…frustrated…afraid…sad…so many feelings coming up …I want to face them all and release them forever.

  31.  #31Liquid Light on June 23, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    I got approved today for the apartment I wanted!! woohooo!!!!

  32.  #32Tereana on June 23, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Kyla – #1 – sounds like Ninja had a bout of norovirus. That is nasty stuff!!!! But it’s usually gone within 24 hours. It is just the WORST when you have it, though. And I couldn’t even keep water down when I got it. It was miserable. Good for you being the “mother goddess” but not on him – with the whole Madonna/H0 complex and all ; )

    LL – congratulations!! 🙂

  33.  #33Tereana on June 23, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Azure Blu – thank you for your comment to me on the last thread : )

  34.  #34Tereana on June 23, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Mandy! Reposted from last thread:

    I think you said it yourself – that you’ve gone to your parents’ house before to recoup and get some quiet time (or however you said it). And so I think you are on the right track with that. You don’t have to give up your rent or ask him to move, or ask him to do *anything.* Take it from me – and every other relationship expert out there: ultimatums DO NOT WORK. I’ve tried. And it seems like a great idea. But it is not. And if I ever had a hope of getting back together with M, I’m pretty sure that I do not have that possibility, because I pretty much broke up with him using an ultimatum. Not cool.

    But anyway. I digress…

    And actually, contrary to a lot of the info here, I might tread carefully with being overly emotional. He has a flood of emotions happening, and so think of it this way – if you start crying, then that alone is going to make him feel as if he is less of a man (because he is not making you happy). But don’t feign happiness either. If you need or want to go to your parents’ for a few nights, just be straightforward about it. Like, “Hey, I know you are going through a lot right now, and I just need some space for myself. I want to give you some space, too. I’ll be at my mom’s. Feel free to give me a call.” And if you do feel emotion come up, and it’s authentic, then sure, go ahead and show that. But I wouldn’t lead with the built-up emotions. Just start with the facts, and go from there.

    And another thing you can do which I just thought of, is – maybe after taking a break (like two or three nights at your parents’ house), and you come back – and maybe he happy to see you and maybe not – you sit down with him, and just ask him, “Hey, is there anything I can do right now that would make you feel supported?” This puts the reins in his hands. You are not “deciding” what he needs – he gets to tell you what would make him feel good. And this might even be a hard question for him to answer. If he doesn’t know, just say, “That’s fine. If you think of anything, just let me know.” And he probably will think of something.

    I think Dominique is right (at least I think she said this) that his libido is probably tied to how well he is doing in work and in life. So you don’t want to be responsible for him getting a job or something like that. He’ll only feel good if he does it on his own. But you can still let him know that you are supportive and that you are there for him. And, you could also say, “I miss making love. And I think you are sexy whether you have a job or not. But no pressure. When you are ready.”

    His libido might also be tied what he suspects you think of him, and he might assume that you will only find him attractive if he is the “breadwinner.” So if you let him know this is not the case, he might respond. Because conversely, feeling sexy might give him confidence to get a job, etc…

    OK, that was a lot of ‘advice.’ It’s not really advice. Just some things that I am thinking of and imagine they might work in your situation…or they might not. That is up to you : )

  35.  #35sequoia on June 23, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    @Liquid light 18 ‘ I just can’t get excited about anyone now and have no patience for them. And when I see more profiles online, it makes me feel ill, like its just more of the same. Maybe I need to stop’
    I feel similar. I don’t have patient too and than I feel bad about it lol, as I want to see them writing to me as a gift. And with some I can feel that , but with others I just feel more of the same and sometimes annoyed.
    And I feel judgemental, and than I long more for my longdistant man, as I can sense so much compatibility potential with him on the spiritual, mental, physical – co-creation, on all levels. And the guys that write me – with most of them I do not feel any, it feels so lame.
    But than I need to remind myself again and again that I am here to practice. I am here for free therapy and so I am willing to be open to the ones I find at least a little interesting. I am reminding myself now 🙂

  36.  #36Tereana on June 23, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    I still remember when M was holding me, and I cried about something – I think it was actually the powerful feeling I had about wanting to be a mother. It was not sad or happy. It was just a strong feeling of connection with what was deeply important to me. I think he must have had no idea what to do. He was comforting me, and he was doing a great job of it. I just let myself cry. And later he said to me how “powerful” the “tears of a woman” are. And that actually make me feel really good. It made me feel connected to the ocean of feeling within me.

    You know what didn’t make me feel good and powerful? Trying to control his actions and behaviors to suit my comfort level with “what was” happening. Eliciting ultimatums to make him “behave” in the way that I thought would suit me better. What else could I have done? Oh, I don’t know. I was so stressed out that point, I can hardly make heads or tails of it.

    I just wish I could go back to him and say – A) That was really not the best time for me. Staying with my mom made it too stressful for me to have a relationship (this is true, and I’ve said it to him before). B) Also, I felt abandoned when he went to India, and this created fear for me that he would leave (I’ve said that to him, too, and he said it’s fine – but it’s really not fine. Or else we would be together). And I would say that… C) When someone gets really close to me, and likes me a lot, and I like them, too, that scares me the most. And sometimes I push that person away, even when I don’t really want to. I think I might have done that with you. What do you think?


    It’s wishful thinking. I should, under the best of circumstances, move on and not have any contact with him. His family is in town. For all I know, they came because they are going to help find him a wife. And anyway, I saw another cute indian man on the bus today. He smiled at me. Perhaps he would like to date me ; ) Lol. But anyway… I wonder if just communicating this feeling (the last one, which I haven’t said to M yet) would help me release this connection, which I still feel to him, ever so slightly. What do you ladies think? (am I asking for your advice? I’ll probably listen to it and then just do whatever the heck I want. Lol. But hearing the feedback still helps me sort out my real feelings on the matter.)

    And…I am feeling better. For the first time in over a year, I have a place to live. I am so relieved that I will not have to move back into my mom’s house. Hallelujah!!!!! And I *mean* that, in the very literal sense of the word – whoohooo!!!!

  37.  #37Millie on June 23, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Kyla 1/2 –I loved reading about your experience and how you leaned back and listened to Ninja, in a loving and respectful way. So great…. 🙂

  38.  #38Millie on June 23, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Responding from the previous thread:

    Femininewoman: “One babystep at a time.” Just that phrase holds so much power…Saying it, I feel like I can let go of the anxiety that builds and spins around the idea that I’m still so far from my goals. I think my feelings stem from some ingrained notion that I’m “less than.” I so want to overcome that deep rooted feeling and eradicate every morsel of that notion.

    Indigo- I think you are so right! Staying relaxed and confident is a good babystep for me!

    Sophie- Awareness is a good one too, maybe my mantra for right now should be to feel aware, relaxed, and confident.

    Liquid Light- thank you for your support too! xo

  39.  #39prplpsn28 on June 23, 2014 at 10:17 pm


  40.  #40Tereana on June 24, 2014 at 2:56 am

    Mandy – you asked, if you do nothing, are you just accepting things as they are, without sex?

    And my answer is yes, I believe that is true. But it’s mostly about an attitude. If you accept things “as they are” with a belief that “this will be forever,” then that’s not happy, obviously. You’re not happy. You will be happier if you are having sex with him. And he needs to know this by being able to miss you for a few days. Time is different for men. A few months can feel like a few days maybe, or a week. He may be thinking “I’ll have sex with her tomorrow.” But tomorrow is always “tomorrow.” You won’t have sex until he feels like “I want to have sex with her today.” And you can’t force that to happen. But you CAN do things that make you happy in the mean time, so that you can stop focusing on the sex, or lack of it, or whatever. Kind of a LOA thing.

    Anyway, I’m rambling on. I’m not really the person to give advice on this, so I’m stopping short of doing that. And anyway, you already know what I suggest as the best course of action in this situation. So just check in with yourself about what feels best to YOU before thinking about his feelings. Do think about his feelings. But don’t let HIS feelings be YOUR compass. (That’s codependency). Let YOUR feelings be your compass and COMMUNICATE your actions to him.

    That is all, ok, lol. Let us all know how it’s going!


  41.  #41Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 5:27 am

    Yay YOU!!! Goddess of getting things done…
    I feel bright, shiny firecracker happy for you and your new apartment!! I know how much you have needed, wanted to move from your parents home!!

  42.  #42Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 5:28 am

    Congratulations to you too on being accepted for you new apartment!! YAY!!

  43.  #43April Rose on June 24, 2014 at 5:40 am


    There seems to be more of a glimmer of hope for you, than for me. And if I was in your situation I would get radical…!!!

    You say there are lots of cuddles and other forms of bonding. Great. This means he likes you and wants you, right?

    Then, I would need to know how far he was prepared to go in securing my happiness.

    (Your fear of him dumping you doesn’t serve you, here. Your own value for yourself needs to come first and I am working on this too.)

    So, I thinks it is time to let him know you are on the edge.

    “Honey, I love you and I adore our cuddles. AND, my womanly body is filled with desire to be ravished by a hot man like you. You are there right next to me and I long for your intimate touch. When there is no love-making I feel like less of a woman, and it is beginning to tear me apart to feel like that.”

    Then see what he says.

    Depending on his response you can script further.

    If he says “Honey I can’t. I just don’t feel much of a man these days”,

    You can say “When you grab my naked waist with those strong hands, there is no-one in the world who is more manly than you”.

    What do you think, Mandy? Something along those lines? Get hot for him, and let him know he is the cause of it, that he smells like a tiger and that the touch of his skin sends shivers along your body…

    Make it seem to you like the most natural thing in the world (as it indeed is).

  44.  #44Femininewoman on June 24, 2014 at 6:26 am

    April Rose I feel so warm towards you reading your words to Mandy I feel like scooping you up in my arms and giving you a comforting hug.

  45.  #45Kyla on June 24, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Tereana – Madonna/H0 complex.. I’m giggling here to myself thanks for that 😉

  46.  #46Kyla on June 24, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Woohoo! Congrats LL! Looks like everything is going your way. Can’t wait to hear more good news from you 🙂

  47.  #47Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 7:26 am

    WOW Siren!!! How much LOVE you are giving YOU
    by being sooo vulnerable and sharing
    Your boundaries with your long distance CD!!!

    Rori ALWAYS says we CAN’T attract a man with sex…
    It’s our SELF LOVING vibe that is such a magnet for men!!!
    I always try and remember…
    CDing is our free therapy!!!…
    I learn sooo much about ME and MY feelings
    each date I go on…
    Rock on darlin’ Siren!!!

  48.  #48Kyla on June 24, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Ugh I’m so unsireny today. I just let rip at Ninja by text and after 5 rounds of chewing him out I ended with “I feel mad”. Oops, like he hadn’t guessed by that point. Oh well. I’m feeling frustrated and unheard and want to kick someone’s ass right now, he just triggered me at the worst possible moment. The thing is I want to feel mad and attacky right now, I don’t want to communicate nad feel better, I just want to rage and destroy. Last week at this job and thankful to be getting out of here. I’m feeling storm cloudy and heavy with feelings of gloom.

  49.  #49Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 8:08 am

    (((hugs))) kyla!!!

    You are under SOOOO much stress right now.
    With alll the MAJOR life changes…
    I’m not sure how you are still being able to walk & talk at the same time LOL!!! :-0

    5 children to care and love… New man (even if he is amazing) living with you…
    Changing jobs AND moving…

    I have learned even if it is all GOOD stuff…
    It’s still overwhelming…
    last time I went through good changes
    I ended up in the therapist office…
    Best thing I did for ME…
    Took pressure off my family and friends
    and helped me stay sane!! 🙂

    Hang in there Darlin Siren… it’s going to get better and better

  50.  #50Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 8:11 am

    This is definitely one of the areas where I have my work! When I’m upset I do tend to leave expectations unspoken. Like, I’ll say, “I feel sad” to a CD and there’s a part still inside me that continues “…and it’s up to YOU to fix it.” Which never works out well with the man I’m shooting that energy at. This happens to me a lot, because I’m still learning how to dig down and find out what the actual feeling is behind the anger/fear. I realize that it usually has nothing to do with the man in front of me but rather with something that happened in my past and how I still let it affect me. It seems like every time I’ve found one trigger and work towards healing it, three more pop up! It’s fun and frustrating at the same time, like whack-a-mole.

    It can be funny too. With one CD I can’t remember how I got angry but I did, and he asked what was wrong. For what seemed like an eternity to me I was quiet, just trying to figure out what I was feeling that was hidden from me under the anger. Finally I burst out — “I feel angry and I don’t even know why but I do and I’m not sure if it’s real and it has nothing to do with you but all I can feel is angry so GAHHHHHHHHH!”

    He tried to stifle it and then just burst out laughing. And then, so did I! It was great to be able to go from so angry in one moment to laughing the next! I felt relieved getting it out, he knew it wasn’t about him, and then it was all good. I’d rather not have to explode to get there in the future….I’ll take it for now though. 🙂

  51.  #51Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 8:20 am

    Ahhh YES… the “whak-A-mole” LOL…

    that’s how I feel most of the time!!!

    Think I’ve figured out one feeling…
    Yes… but here comes another one
    and ooops the last one is coming back!!!

  52.  #52Kyla on June 24, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Awwww thanks Azure Blu I can feel your lovely hugs xoxoxo

    I’m feeling more comfortable with my mad right now, I woke up with a sore throat and I always get one when I’ve been swallowing angry words. I don’t want to stuff it anymore and put a smile on it when I’m feeling furious. Ninja gets it now, he was trying to cheer me up and all I wanted was for my frustration to be heard. He called to say sorry for down playing how I was feeling and that I’m super hot when I’m fiesty and go all Xena warrior princess on him. That made me feel safe and happy… Still want to kick some ass though lol but feeling less explosive being heard and understood.

  53.  #53Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Ahhhh… this alll sounds sooo good!!!
    Yay Ninja & fiesty, sexy YOU!!!

  54.  #54Kyla on June 24, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Labbit I love it!!!!
    – Finally I burst out — “I feel angry and I don’t even know why but I do and I’m not sure if it’s real and it has nothing to do with you but all I can feel is angry so GAHHHHHHHHH!”

    This happens to me a lot! And laughing is an awesome release of tension and powerful mood shifter 🙂

  55.  #55Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Rhyme&Reason 3+4 – that is so beautiful! I would melt if a guy told me something as lovely as that. Even now I can’t help but smile reading of your experience.

    Tam 6+7 – You have perfectly expressed the righteous indignation I feel too. Haha, thanks for putting it into words, it was great to read it. What I am discovering is all the ways I put pressure on men, usually without even meaning to. I have been spending more time with myself lately by choice and when I start to put all that pressure on MYSELF and can barely breathe I realize how suffocating it must be to a guy.

    I’m beginning to see that the words I choose aren’t really even about him, they’re about me. If I can’t express myself authentically to someone I’m intimate with, how can I expect to do it in any area of my life? Work, health, whatever. As I’m learning to find the real feeling and keep it about me, it’s helping me to support myself and get support from people around me. I feel heard and understood, they feel heard and understood, and then I feel good. Like I’ve won!

    LL 18 – All I can say is that Rori has said that when men start to get boring that’s progress! Your openness and siren-y ways are attracting men and that means the right one can only be attracted to you too.

    Violette – Sending lots of love to you. It sounds like you are doing some lovely healing and I hope you’re treating yourself very well, like the way you’d want to be treated by your dream man. To your fears about being gone so long, as Tereana says in 40 time is way different for men! For me an hour feels like FOREVER when I am waiting for a man (which in and of itself isn’t a great thing to be doing) meanwhile for him a week feels like a minute. I’m seeing how when I use my masculine energy to focus on the tasks at hand for me, for my own life, health, etc., that time really does seem to fly by and then things kind of just work themselves out. I hope something similar happens for you!

    Azure Blu #48 — thank you for this, it’s so true and a great reminder in this moment! I want to that self-loving magnet!!!

  56.  #56Dominique on June 24, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Azure Blu – 17 – Yes disconnected and disappointed are fine feeling message words to use if they express how you feel. There’s no blame in using these words, no making another wrong.

    I use these both when appropriate, and I’m heard when they are used.


  57.  #57Dominique on June 24, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Azure Blu – 20 – YES!!! Though I understand Kyla’s point, it ALL depends on where you’re coming from. You can feel disappointed and NOT have had expectations.


  58.  #58Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Sequoia 29 – From what you say, maybe your sadness not comes from making ‘mistakes’ but rather that he’s not showing up the way you want him to? It seems to me like you have a very good idea of what you want from a man: attention, responsiveness, good treatment. This man isn’t doing any of that right now, which doesn’t make you wrong or him wrong, you good or him good. It just is.

    So why worry about it? Maybe when he gets to town he offers to meet up and YOU don’t feel like it. Or you do, and you meet up and have a wonderful time! You won’t know til that moment comes. I worry you’re beating yourself up a lot right now, when you could be instead giving yourself lots of love and good treatment right now and enjoying all the men that are around you!

    It sounds so great that you’re practicing the tools at work! Maybe some of those men who have written to you would be excellent practice too. The more I practice the tools the happier and more confident I feel all the time, perhaps it would be the same for you.

    Love yourself. Treat yourself well. Focus on the relationship you have with yourself and treat yourself the way you want your man to treat you. You are a lovely Siren!

  59.  #59Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Labbit #58….
    Mmmmm… I love all that you are saying!!!
    this too…
    “The more I practice the tools the happier and more confident I feel all the time,”
    I feel soooo warm, relaxed, treating ME
    Like a princess!!

  60.  #60Azure Blu on June 24, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Ohhh… good to hear these are ok feeling messages… thank you for responding…

  61.  #61RhymeandReason on June 24, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Labbit and Indigo, thanks for your comments. This is a little off track from the original post, but one thing I’ve learned these past two years is that it pays to relax..just chill. Everything doesn’t have to be a fight and things aren’t always as fatal as they seem. I’ve learned that every assumption I make has consequences and some ain’t so good. I know now that I deserve to be treated a certain way and that good men really aren’t that difficult. If you appeal to their emotions by communicating your own emotions honestly, the good guys respond in positive ways. Jerks….not so much. Learn to discern quickly if he’s a jerk or not. And if he’s a jerk, don’t let yourself get involved. No fight or worry…just wave goodbye.

  62.  #62RhymeandReason on June 24, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Labbit and Indigo, thanks for your comments. This is a little off track from the original post, but one thing I’ve learned these past two years is that it pays to relax..just chill. Everything doesn’t have to be a fight and things aren’t always as fatal as they seem. I’ve learned that every assumption I make has consequences and some ain’t so good. I know now that I deserve to be treated a certain way and that good men really aren’t that difficult. If you appeal to their emotions by communicating your own emotions honestly, the good guys respond in positive ways. Jerks….not so much. Learn to discern quickly if he’s a jerk or not. And if he’s a jerk, don’t let yourself get involved. No fight or worry…just wave goodbye.

  63.  #63Liquid Light on June 24, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Thanks Tereana, Azure and Kyla, yeah, I am so excited about my new place. I think that I will love living there! And I start my new job on Monday. That gives me a few days to get ready for the move.

    Sequoia, thanks for you feedback. Yeah, I feel the same way, annoyed and let down by the men that I’m meeting. It’s just the same drill over and over again. And unless you are really enthusiastic about them, then their pride gets wounded and they lash out or you never hear from them again. ARGGHHH. Such fragile creatures! Hahhhahahaha!

  64.  #64Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Hee, thanks Kyla!! I hope I don’t sound like a broken record but I am loving the stories you share about Ninja, it’s nice to hear from people in all different phases of their relationships and yours is particularly exciting right now.

    Azure Blu 59 yes like a princess. Or a queen. 😉

  65.  #65Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    So, question.

    I’m clear that out in the world, I’m supposed to lean back, be a goddess and let men approach me. Check, that seems to be working very well right now!

    Online however I’m just plain confused. For example I’m on Plenty of Fish and there’s this tool called “Meet Me.” I thought that all the guys I was seeing in there were men who wanted to meet me, but it turns out that yes those men are in there but so are random members you match with! Before I knew this I was saying yes to wanting to meet many men through the tool! So, I initiated without meaning to.

    My question is for men who responded that they also wanted to meet me, making us a mutual match, should I wait for them to reach out to me even though I made the first move? Or is it OK to send them a short hello message?!? I’ve had a few guys I mutually matched with now message me asking why I didn’t message first…maybe those aren’t the type of guys I’d want anyway but I just don’t know yet.

  66.  #66Mandy on June 24, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Tereana + April,

    I must say how impressed I am with you, you should seriously start a coaching business, as should a lot of ladies on here…we are women so we have a natural talent for it…I am still feeling young about it 🙂 I suppose anxiety disorder can REALLY get in the way of feeling feelings and sinking into them. But right now the emotional floodgates are wide open for me, and oddly it’s the silver lining, it feels right and good to have this much emotion coming out of me and going through me. So very natural and how it should be.

    I agree with your idea of support, Tereana, Dominique can say the same thing I think. Brilliant words! Just brilliant. I will do it. Anything I can do to support you?

    Update – I really mustered up some serious bravery and wrote J a note stating sex is a condition of a relationship with me, just so he isn’t confused, because in the past being afraid to say so, I told him no I wouldn’t leave if sex doesn’t happen. However I let him know I’m not bringing it up anymore since I don’t want to pressure him or insult his intelligence as it should be crystal clear by now what I need. Boy do I feel nervous and a bit guilty for it…I’ve ALWAYS felt guilty saying things in an absolute manner stating a boundary or saying “no” to someone. I feel so much for him and his situation.

    Which, April Rose, you mentioned….you actually gave an example of what a man might say…J almost said the exact same thing…VERBATIM. “Not feeling like much of a man right now.” I FORGOT that it’s tied to what I think of him too. I revert back to my old ways before Rori training sometimes, hate it when that happens. I think when I get mad that’s when the er, unhappiness happens and it doesn’t help his ego or self-esteem.

    I DO tell him all the time how beautiful he is, because I *so* think so….oh Sirens, I am so passionate for this man, it just wells up inside me. I am very particular to his gorgeous long shiny black hair, and when he takes it down from being up in a ponytail, and is just himself and in the moment and looks and feels so damn gorgeous, my heart swells and I tell him he’s so gorgeous and awesome…but it makes him feel weird. He doesn’t feel deserving, poor guy…he is so absolutely stunningly beautiful inside and outside, it makes me feel like bursting…he is the most beautiful person I’ve ever been with, yet the poor guy can’t hear about it because he is getting out of basically emotionally flogging himself with alcohol, because of work and because he misses his daughter who’s been out of the picture for more than a decade (but at least his mom and I dug and found her on Facebook, and he knows she’s alive and well…that helped him.) Poor J….God I feel so much for him.

    I wanted to add, that Rori said one time, when we REALLY feel our hearts open WIDE and emotions just flow like water through us, we should appreciate it even if it’s sadness, anger or jealousy, because it’s like, “Yay, I can FEEL!” I remember when I did my internship after college, and it started hardening me to the point of not feeling, and it scared the CRAP out of me that I couldn’t feel, it was like being able to draw, then getting carpel tunnel when you need to finish a bunch of drawings! I know it sounds bizarre, but the flowing of emotions right now somehow at least feels right and good, even though it is a lot of sadness. Not feeling is worse, I think!

    April, a glimmer of hope? Well, yes, and I think that’s what his therapist said too. As far as everything else goes we basically have a nearly perfect relationship. Lots of water-wheel action and me thanking him and giving back the “drips”, no over-the-top arguments, no yelling (thank goodness, I grew up in a yelling household), kisses and hugs and snuggles, and he tells me I’m pretty a lot. He actually laughed at the sexual innuendo I made the other day about me making him brownies and him thanking me, lol, so that was a glimmer for me. I can tell when there are sparks of it, like when he comes to wake me up and touches me in spots he doesn’t normally and is playful about it. That’s always super-relieving, I love it when he’s playful, he is so much fun when he is. Sometimes I just wanna get on the ground and play-wrestle him. Haven’t yet, our apartment’s too small, but it’ll happen in the new one hopefully, lol.

    So do you see why this is totally worth working on for me? Him stopping drinking was almost as big a commitment to me as giving me a ring (not quite but it’s up there.) I know he really wants and loves me, he just needs to feel better about him, and I need to commit it to my memory that it can’t come from me, I just need to give him the space to do so.

    But, April, I did let him know in my own words, and he understands. He also knows I want to stay. He kept the letter. I still feel anxious, like what if I made me feel worse or less than. But if I did I’ll tell him I didn’t mean to and I’m sorry. I have to remember the post Rori did “No Matter What You Said – You Did FINE!” Sometimes it’s natural to worry about it apparently.

    You ladies have been so helpful….we’re really getting some progress made here with you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really do mean it.

  67.  #67Helena Hart on June 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Labbit – 65 – Great question! In my experience and in the experiences of all of my clients, when you’re the one to reach out to a man first, it’s less likely to “materialize” into an actual date. So I recommend letting the men message you first. However, you get to explore and experiment with this! I’d love to hear more about how online dating goes for you.

    Love, Helena

  68.  #68April Rose on June 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm


    “..he is so absolutely stunningly beautiful inside and outside, it makes me feel like bursting…he is the most beautiful person I’ve ever been with, yet the poor guy can’t hear about it because..”

    Because, my dear, it sounds like the classic symptoms of oxytocin.
    It was Daria who brought this to my attention, when I was feeling these adoring feelings about a CD of mine.
    Oxytocin causes us to be addicted to the ‘love’ we think we feel, when we are head over heels for a man.

    I don’t think it is a bad thing in itself necessarily (besides being addictive), but an undesirable effect of it can be that we lose sight of the dynamic we want – the one where it is US, the WOMAN, being the one who is adored in the relationship.

    Can I ask you – how would it feel if the tables were turned and you were the one being adored?

  69.  #69April Rose on June 24, 2014 at 3:39 pm


    I feel like weeping. Your kind words have come at such a fragile time for me.
    I’m imagining being scooped up in your arms and held close to your precious heart. Feels like a sanctuary.

  70.  #70sequoia on June 24, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Thank you Labbit and Azure Blue for your positive and encouraging words.
    I felt soooo tempted today to message him again when I saw that he is on chat on fb, as a voice in my head told me that he might feel rejected lol!!! But reaching out to men and explaining, sharing has been a pattern that never worked so far and I know it. And even so I have known about Roris tools and have been using some, my chasing mode is still on, it feels crazy. I know its an emotional addiction I am in and Roris post https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/how-to-stop-chasing-men/ has helped me so much. I had to read it again and again and esp this part:
    Victoria: boy i tell you its hard to do nothing when i guy that you met and clicked with doesnt call …i feel tempted to send a message saying that i enjoyed meeting him…No??

    Rori: NO!!!!! Please, Victoria – there are SO MANY men out there!!! Please just do this Circular Dating thing and stop zeroing in on a man who isn’t hopping to you with interest. It just comes across as needy – you can’t disguise it….

    Victoria: Yes , i guess is the fear that if i dont take action nothing will happen…or that he lost my number and all excuses…
    Yes i am used to reaching out to men if they are not reaching out to me ….

    Rori: Victoria – I swear to you this is a hurdle you have to get past. Do you go to church? Have you ever been to Unity, Unitarian, or Agape in Culver City, or studied A Course in Miracles? Remember the books I suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh and Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks? This is where you need to go. This is where your WORK is…

    I understand completely that stopping chasing men will cause you anxiety. It’s actually so therapeutic a thing to do that your deeper, hidden emotions and traumas will surface – just as if you were in intensive therapy.

    This is “behavior modification” – and it’s under your control.

    If you need a therapist, or to check in with me regularly around these emotional issues as they come up – that would be great – but continuing to chase and keep the feelings down will get you nowhere.

    YES – you WILL feel scared! But it’s OLD feelings, trauma reactions – not REAL.

    This is only step ONE! Get this one happening, and yes, you may feel blue and scared – but you also will start to feel more POWERFUL!! Because when you stop chasing and sink into stuff and start Circular Dating – a different kind of man will approach you, and then you’re into step 2.”

    I know that if I break this pattern I am having a major break through and things are already shifting 🙂

    I am planning to work out 3-4 times a week as I have the opportunity right now and I have been working out on the cross trainer today reading roris blog, checking out the men in the gym and enjoying sweating. It feels so good to sweat – I forgot about it and I feel great after I have trained and I totally forgot about my longdistant CD. I love feeling my body in this new way for me.

    I also gave myself a one hour pedicure and one hour manicure and my hands and feet feel just great.

    I decided to not reach out to him and I want to face the fears that come up…and the core wounds.

    I am working with TRE as well, Trauma/Tension Release Excersises by David Bercelli and they help me with releasing fear – I can recommend it very much. Its so easy to do by oneself and its amazing!

    And instead of using all my boy energy to chase after him I want to use this energy for myself – get things done for myself, be more creative, instead of pining it all away. He inspired me also lol- and I felt triggered by it too as he said that I am thinking to much and maybe I should do more instead – it triggered me a lot, but he is right, its the truth.

    So he would be the very first one I am changing my core pattern with and that feels exciting too. I still would feel very happy so if he would contact me and reach out to me soon. I intend to be warm and welcoming if he does.

  71.  #71Labbit on June 24, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Helena 67 — Thank you for the super quick response! That helps, cool.

    sequoia 70 – I am in the same boat as you. There is a man I was dating for a couple of months right before I found Rori and all of you Sirens, and even now it is so hard for me not to chase him! In my head I can make up so many excuses for why he hasn’t called or texted or whatever but I know that none of it matters, and my focus has to be on me. 🙂 When I first started CD’ing it was hard not to compare every guy to him. Then it got easier to forget him, but it was almost like my brain would randomly inject thoughts of him into my day, like if I forgot him somehow my life would somehow stop, or be worse, or I don’t know what.

    That post you quoted is just magical. Very helpful to read, thank you for posting it here! I also found these post by Dominique very helpful:


    And also this one, which is a good reminder that leaning back is NOT about making a man come to me:

  72.  #72Mandy on June 24, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    April –
    It would feel quite different and weird at first if the tables were turned (i.e., if he were adoring me like that….but I could learn to love it! 🙂 )

  73.  #73Mandy on June 24, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Labbit – great references, I suggest everyone read them, regardless of their situation…thanks for listing them, it is very helpful! 🙂 Hope you’re feeling Sireny as can be 🙂

  74.  #74Tereana on June 24, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Mandy – thank you for saying that about the coaching! I’ve never really thought about it. But I do keep coming back here because it’s so much fun to talk about these things : )

    Even when some things aren’t “fun” to experience. Lol

    And I make plenty of mistakes to give me “information” ; )

    Anyway, you clearly have an affinity for this man. I feel at this point that probably so much has been said that I don’t know that I could add anything new. But everything will take time, and patience. And you have those things, clearly. And I’m very, very sure that he loves you. He is showing you in other ways besides sex right now. But that doesn’t mean sex won’t happen ever…


  75.  #75Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 12:05 am


    Others may disagree with me, but… whilst I don’t ever think it is a good idea to initiate contact with a man whom you have met through others means, I think it is perfectly fine to do so online. To me, it doesn’t feel like leaning forward at all.

    My reason for saying this is something Evan Marc Katz pointed out (I’m not a follower of his generally, but in this, he had a good point) – Online, you are swimming in a sea of literally thousands of others. To expect every man who may be a good prospect to find you, write to you or even see your profile, is simply unrealistic. People have limited time – and my guess is, if we are leaving it purely up to men to wade through every profile and contact every woman he may be interested in – chances will be drastically reduced. Not out of lack of interest or desire… but simply, how is he to choose based on the limited information in a person’s profile?

    So, I, without any anxiety or regret, freely initiate contact with men online. I don’t say much though, and I make sure to keep my tone light and feminine. Thereafter, I completely let him take the lead. This has worked well for me.

  76.  #76sequoia on June 25, 2014 at 3:48 am

    Thank you for the links Labbit, they sound inspiring and I’ll read them later.
    At the moment I feel very triggered. I also feel a bit silly, but I feel hurt that my longdistant CD likes the profile pictures of other women but hasn’t liked any of mine so far, and we have been fb for a year or so. I feel hurt by this and I can feel my pride coming up big time. How dare he wants to meet me but doesn’t even want to give me some appreciation online even so he gives it to others. I feel very annoyed and triggered, esp. as Fb issues have come for me before with another man. I feel curious if any siren here has had experiences with that? How would you communicate that do a man without him putting it down as silly?

  77.  #77sequoia on June 25, 2014 at 3:50 am

    How would you communicate facebook issues, like that you feel hurt that he doesn’t appreciate your profile picture but quiet a few other womens profile pictures, to a man you don’t know that well.
    Would you mention anything?

  78.  #78Femininewoman on June 25, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Re 77 I most definitely would’nt. Why would I feel hurt? Seems to me like I don’t have a life and need to create one rather than moping about a non-issue. I have no control over other people’s actons.

  79.  #79Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Indigo #75
    I agree with the reaching out to men online and thereafter letting them take the lead!!!

    It has worked VERY well for me…
    I know what MY criteria is and who attracts me…
    after HE initiates a couple of online messages, and a phone conversation… I know if i am interested in a person to person meet and who knows after that???

  80.  #80Kyla on June 25, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Sequoia – If you wanted to say something for practice reasons you could maybe share – I know its such a silly little thing yet I feel insecure when I notice that.. and I would also work on why this bothers you and why you are even noticing it. You can change your notification settings to stop seeing this and also avoid visiting his profile. Find a way to put your attention on you and the things around you that make you feel good.

  81.  #81Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 6:21 am

    My feeling is…
    No!!! You are VERY right… YOU don’t know him well enough to cause all this drama…
    Fb muddies the water for ANY relationship that isn’t close family and friends..

    To me this longdistance man is sounding like an imaginary relationship… I think YOU have shared that here on Siren Island…
    Good that you keep reading the excellent Rori post…
    and I think the others from Dominique will be good also…
    Keep CDing, sequoia, YOU are doing great!!!
    Baby steps!!

  82.  #82Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 6:29 am

    I know Rori mentions :hurt: is NOT a feeling…
    If it were me…
    I would sink down with this feeling and see what are the deeper feelings this brings up for ME?
    and then sit with whatever it is and
    hold that feeling gently in MY arms,
    kiss that feeling,
    Tell that feeling how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her…

  83.  #83Labbit on June 25, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Thanks Mandy! I am feeling pretty Sireny these days, and I like it! Hope you are too, lovely lady.

    Indigo 75 & Azure Blu 79 — oh, that’s really interesting. Thank you! I suppose if I message a man with no expectations there’s really nothing to lose, but I think I will wait first and see if they come to me in most cases. That would be my preference! There is one guy whose smiling face keeps tempting me every time I log in…maybe I’ll try messaging him.

  84.  #84Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 6:42 am


    I agree with Kyla. Hide the notifications, unfollow him on FB or don’t look at his profile… until or unless you are strong enough to handle anything you might see.

    Please do not say anything to him.

    Dominique has a great article about Facebook and how it impacts on relationships.


  85.  #85Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Thanks Indigo for posting Dominiques article about facebook!!
    It’s excellent (of course)

  86.  #86Dominique on June 25, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Labbit – 71- Thank you so much for posting these. I feel honored as well as pleased you found some help in my words. 🙂

    Love to you.


  87.  #87Veronica on June 25, 2014 at 9:49 am

    I like the idea of messaging a man – I’d like to try that with men I feel attracted to. But I don’t feel attracted to them : (

    I feel restless uncomfortable with my profile – like it isn’t me. I can’t quite get to what would make it more like me.

  88.  #88Helena Hart on June 25, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Indigo – 75 – I agree with you, and it sounds like you don’t have any attachment at all to the outcome when you reach out to a man online, which is awesome! I think that’s the key. I’m glad it’s worked well for you!

    I was referring to Labbit’s question where she and the man have already “liked” each other, so she’s already on the man’s radar. Just wanted to clarify! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  89.  #89Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Azure Blu,

    You’re welcome 🙂

  90.  #90Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 10:15 am


    Yes, I see and agree 🙂 You always have to be aware of where you’re coming from 🙂

  91.  #91Dominique on June 25, 2014 at 10:20 am

    And Indigo – 🙂

    Love you bunches sweetness.


  92.  #92April Rose on June 25, 2014 at 10:26 am


    I need some love too, please


  93.  #93Dominique on June 25, 2014 at 11:11 am

    April Rose – Muah, big, BIG hugs, and love, love LOVE to you. 🙂



  94.  #94Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Veronica #87
    Yes, I do struggle with my profile also…
    I’m always changing and tweeking…
    updating photos…
    which is really a good thing ’cause it causes your picture to appear at the top whenever changes are made!!

    I’ve noticed the more clear I’ve gotten with sharing my dreams and bucket list… I’ve liked the quality of men I attract… although i”m not online for the past 2 months.
    Since i’m exclusive with MNcd right now…

  95.  #95Veronica on June 25, 2014 at 11:44 am

    I am noticing that there’s a difference between resisting sharing a feeling and feeling emotionally unsafe to share.

  96.  #96Veronica on June 25, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Azure Blu – 94 – Okay that feels good to hear. Part of me wants to play with my profile, really go town with exploring myself.

    Oh you share your bucket list and dreams? I hadn’t thought of that – I regard that as my private treasure which I eventually share with someone.

  97.  #97April Rose on June 25, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Thank you Dominique

    You left a big lipstick kiss on my cheek!

  98.  #98Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 11:51 am


    I remember thinking that I could never convey my real, true self in my online profile.

    And then I thought… that’s ok. Because those that are going to see who you really are, will see. And those who are blind to who you are, won’t. And I guess as long as I can continue opening myself up, expressing who I am in each moment, I can leave the rest up to fate and the universe, and whoever will see me, will see.


  99.  #99Veronica on June 25, 2014 at 12:01 pm


    that is just exquisite xx Thank you. Your words have softened what I’ve been struggling with for quite a while – I just love it that those who will get me, will see me – it’s almost like a secret language. Oh that’s just beautiful!

    May I quote your words as a beautiful thing that happened to me today? I won’t mention from where or who to keep this anonymous space safe.

  100.  #100Liquid Light on June 25, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    I’m really enjoying this discussion around communication when online dating.

    Now that I posted my new photos, I’m noticing that the men that are contacting me are more high quality. Yay! In fact someone messaged me today and he seems great! He’s got all of the qualities I’m looking for – good looking, educated (phd – OMG!), successful, fun, fit – so I’m excited.

    Do you any of you have recommendations for how long to wait to respond to his message? The woman who deconstructed Match (Rori posted about her several months ago) says that on average the successful women waited 24 hrs before responding to a message. Anyway, do you all think it matters and if so is it good to wait for a day or is getting back to them quickly better since it shows them you are interested and enthused???

  101.  #101Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Also… what I did when I read a man’s profile that was particularly compelling to ME… I would paste and copy into a file on my computer and use that as a jumping off place to tweek mine…
    So what YOU would find compelling would be different from me…
    Say for example… I enjoyed the profile because it sounded so human (not stiff and forced)…
    Or I could really feel his personality in what he wrote
    Or he shared a since of humor
    Or I enjoyed how he conveyed how he spent time with children and grandchildren…
    As I worked on my profile this way…
    It started making MY profile sound more and more like ME!

  102.  #102prplpsn28 on June 25, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Been keeping up with the blog and everyones comments. I don’t really have anything new to post about. I’m still with H.

    I know this doesn’t apply to the current topic but I’m trying to change my picture that is attached to my posts on here and can’t figure out how. I believe it was FW who sent me a link a while back but it didn’t work. Any help would be appreciated. 🙂

  103.  #103sequoia on June 25, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    thank you Kyla, Azur Blu and Indigo. Your feedback and the links to Domeniques blog are very helpful.
    Yes I feel jealous and yes I feel unworthy and not good enough.
    I won’t express that to him so, as we don’t know each other well enough.
    If I would be in a solid relationship I would.
    I am not sure so if I could it without expectation.
    And expectations are not loving and I want to learn to become more loving.

    I have a first date on friday with a man from my online dating site who wrote me and it felt good what he wrote. I don’t feel attracted to him from the pic he has on there but I am open. I feel excited. I havn’t had a date for a few month and had already given up on the dating site.

  104.  #104Azure Blu on June 25, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    sequoia #103…
    Brave Siren!!!
    Wow… good for you to have discovered the deeper part of your “hurt” feeling…
    I agree.. not to share the unworthyness
    not good enough..
    Not sure if this works for you but when I discover those feelings that is when I can give that part of me LOTs O’ Love!!
    Ahhh nothing like a new date
    AND feeling Open and Excited!!!

  105.  #105sequoia on June 25, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    thank you for your support Azure Blu.
    Wanted to share a beautiful movie with you here sirens, the scent of the green papaya…it’s soooo inspiring, I can watch it again and again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNlp_0sSAwA

  106.  #106Indigo on June 25, 2014 at 11:29 pm


    I feel so happy and touched that my words resonated with you.

    Of course you may use them 🙂

  107.  #107sequoia on June 26, 2014 at 3:37 am

    Ohhh whenever I see my longdistant CD is on chat I feel tempted to reach out to him. Esp. as we have exchanged sexy pics and I feel quiet vulnerable now. It’s like a part of me is with him. I do trust him with them but somehow it doesn’t feel good. I guess I did share them with expectations. It was a learning experience and I will only share any sexy pics of me with someone who is more committed.

  108.  #108Veronica on June 26, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Azure Blu – 101 – That’s a great idea because I get to understand more what I find compelling. I feel excited about trying this out. Thank you xx

  109.  #109Veronica on June 26, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Indigo – 105 – Thank you : )

  110.  #110prplpsn28 on June 26, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    My picture ended up sideways…ugh…didn’t see a way on Gravatar to fix that. Oh well

  111.  #111Azure Blu on June 26, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Ohhhh… how nice to see YOU!!

  112.  #112Indigo on June 26, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    Lovely picture, Purple!

  113.  #113prplpsn28 on June 27, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Thanks Azure and Indigo

  114.  #114Heather B on June 30, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Interesting post, ladies. It’s really about communicating, right? I just finished reading a great brand new book for women that I think you would like. Of course, one of the topics or “keys” is about communication. It’s called “The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship,” by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, “When we turn to God for help, he fills us with his love and enables us to see ourselves and our husbands through his eyes. Keep in mind that a wholehearted wife focuses first on her own heart!” I highly recommend it!

  115.  #115nat74 on July 3, 2014 at 2:40 am

    Help….what is everyones thoughts on an ex dropping back worthless belongings, some books, CD’s that I lent him, leaving them in a bag on my front porch after 18 months of no contact.

  116.  #116Casey on July 9, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Hey everyone,

    I’ve been trying to share my feelings with my man, but when I have he gets mad, tells me he does not want to hear about my feelings, that he is not repsonsible for my feelings, so I keep getting stuck in this rythym of being afraid to communciate at all.
    I just get mad, scared or affraid and begin doing activites that I am not suppose to to get closer, like surfing my phone. Help!!!

  117.  #117Rori Raye on July 9, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    Casey – please check out one or all of my Certified Coaches – they’re amazing and affordable, and will help you quickly. They’ll practice with you so you can communicate with him in a way that will work…Love, Rori

  118.  #118Azure Blu on July 10, 2014 at 4:31 am

    I feel you are being a Siren practicing sharing YOUR feelings with your man… 🙂

    We can never predict how anyone will react…
    Have you tried saying… “I hear what you are saying… but I need to take a brake” turning around and going outside or into another room.

    I feel confused i’m not sure what you mean…
    “doing activities I’m not supposed to do like surfing my phone”