What You Don’t Love About Yourself Triggers You

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Here’s a letter about one of my favorite topics – how working with what triggers us can change our lives almost overnight…

I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “Go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale by the way…

So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people make comments about it, etc.

So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?” I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

Then, my dad said, “we bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.”

Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows I’m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

I have actually started letting this go in the past year. I’ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like I’m the devil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part.

Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he can’t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

“All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.” I’ve been trying to do this without much success. It’s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I don’t want to be like that.

My Answer:

Sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good.

In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

I get triggered just as much as anyone.

The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 6:35 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 6:37 am


  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 6:39 am

    “people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good”.

    Wonder how it applies to feeling “unsafe”?

  4.  #4Emerson on June 18, 2012 at 6:52 am

    I see that the solution is to love myself more but that’s hard sometimes…I realize I’m very affected by my family’s approval and I need a lot of encouragement from others … If I did not need that, what would my life be like?

  5.  #5Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 6:55 am

    “Working on yourself has the marvelous outcome of making your triggering experiences less painful and reactionary, and more – well – funny, actually.
    When I catch myself going somewhere and talking with someone (especially my husband) and suddenly, internally go to a perception that I’m not being “acknowledged” or “respected” or feeling “second class” in some way – I now can “get” – almost instantly – that my need for approval and to be “superior” and “appreciated” is being triggered.
    I notice my body tense up, my face takes on a different feel, and I want to go into some version of defense mode. And I notice that that “defense” mode becomes centered on ME – but NOT in the way we want to focus on ourselves here. My stored up rage and fear has been activated, and whoever is with me at that moment becomes the SOURCE of bad feelings – even if he or she is NOT responsible for that.
    What we’re doing here is learning to FEEL to GET – to TRUST – that WE are the Source of all this. And then we can feel for and have compassion for ourselves, and then that moves to a deep ability to feel for and have compassion for others, and then everything flows and all the barriers come down, we all open up…..yeah…
    A person can trigger you and still be a fantastic person. That’s why the concept of “The Messenger.” The Messenger is anyone who brings you a message about yourself that can HELP you get a bead on how you operate inside, how you react to being triggered – and that can teach you how to SEPARATE out that “triggering” from your perception of that person.”

  6.  #6siren song on June 18, 2012 at 7:03 am

    i feel super-bummed today. i feel so lonely. i feel a big knot in my throat. i feel scared i will never find another man who loves me. i feel scared that i am this sad over a man who doesn’t want a life with me anymore. ugh. at least now i know i will never lean forward with him again.

  7.  #7Francesca on June 18, 2012 at 7:09 am

    (((siren song)))

  8.  #8Pamelala on June 18, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Oh, I just had this happen this weekend. I was helping my best friend move to a new home and got triggered by one of her friends who I experienced non-relational, task oriented and conceited.

    Immediately, I started making things up about her in my head that weren’t, actually, about her…they were about me. I started telling myself,

    She thinks she better than you.
    She’s lifting heaving things and you are lifting light things (due to a bad back) and she thinks you’re lazy.
    She’s fit and you are fat. She thinks you are ridiculous.

    I labeled her, in my head, as a b*atch and just stayed away from her…totally missing the opportunity to discover what it is that draws my very intuitive, creative, and sensitive friend to this woman. There must be something I wasn’t seeing…but I didn’t pursue that because of all the things I made up.

    Finally, I had to remove myself from the situation and took myself into the woods to love and nurture myself a bit. Obviously, I was carrying some horrible NVs and this woman was the conduit for bringing them into the light.

    I’m sure she could sense my in-the-moment disdain and feel like it might be wise to contact her ask her out to coffee and see if she’d be willing to process this with me…I’d love to know how she experienced me in response to how I was experiencing her.

    Hmmmm…stuff to work on! Just like Rori said, whenever I assign negative motives to others (judgement, condescention, neglect) it is, actually, me doing that to myself…not them.

    Good stuff, Rori!

  9.  #9Pamelala on June 18, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I’m feeling fearful and sad…in two days, I’m leaving on vacation for two and a half weeks. This is a good thing and I know I’ll have a blast with friends and family and lots of self-nurture time, but I’m in the midst of the burgeoning relationship with KMan and I’m worried about what will happen in my absence…

    Will absence make the heart grow fonder?
    Will I be out of sight and out of mind?

    Time will tell and I don’t want to MAKE something happen by creating any drama or by keeping in constant contact with him. I am going to try to be present with my days and let him pursue me when he feels like it….but, oh, I will miss him.

    I would feel cared for and connected if he would call me every night to say goodnight…”Good night, Love. May you have beautiful dreams.”…That’s what he tells me…that’s what I want to hear when I am 2,000 miles away. Is it too forward leaning to let him know that a goodnight phone call would make me feel special?

  10.  #10Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Seems like when we get triggered we go into our “default position” whatever our defense stance is.

    Tracey says:
    I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this “default position” that’s all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what’s he thinking? why doesn’t he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on…. I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?!
    I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can’t be much fun.
    I’m going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to “BE” in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I’m so worried I’ll scare him away!

    Rori Raye says:
    Tracey – you’ve got it. It’s what’s going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori

  11.  #11Pamelala on June 18, 2012 at 7:42 am

    So, this post makes me ask, “Why is my upcoming trip triggering fear?”

    I think it’s a couple of things.
    a) my fundamental belief that I am forgettable and unloveable
    b) past history with an ex that indulged his sex addiction any time I wasn’t in his presence
    c) my longing to feel special and fear that what I’m feeling with KMan now won’t last.

    Hmmm, I need to figure out a tool to heal this…perhaps some tapping will help. Yup. That’s what I’m going to do.

  12.  #12Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 7:53 am

    I feel so angry today. at myself. at my parents. I’ve simultaneously neglected and indulged myself, just like my parents did for me. I feel so angry. It’s like some aspects of myself get spoiled, while other aspects get neglected, and I just feel so angry…

  13.  #13Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 8:00 am

    I feel resentful. I feel like I’ve always depended on my parents advice to make decisions (you’re supposed to do that when you’re young, but when you’re older?)

    Like, I wanted to take a vacation, but somehow let my parents talk me into going home and working at their camp for under-privaledged youth.

    and while I used to love doing that, I haven’t been in years, and I feel like I don’t even know the kids and they don’t know me, and what’s the point?

    I feel so angry.

    I feel like the under-privaledged at this camp got more attention than I ever did growing up. I feel like they know my Dad more than I do.

    It makes me feel so guilty and selfish and angry. Like, I’m sitting here crying. I should be over this, but the little girl inside me is so angry and confused.

    Like, in some ways I was spoiled but in other ways I was neglected.

    Like, I was neglected in being shown discipline.

    It feels so good when people get angry at me…

  14.  #14Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 8:25 am


  15.  #15sunflower on June 18, 2012 at 8:50 am

    I am feeling triggered today by this email I received from a CD. Have been practicing feeling messages on every man I date, and on him too-
    I feel so..good to hear from you…:)
    I feel drawn to your the way you write., I feel attracted to that humour.
    And then I felt angry at something he said..and expressed anger, and how it felt in my body, and this feeling of being turned off- All about me..maybe intensely..(it felt intense),but careful about the 4 rules.

    And guess what- sometime passes, and now he opens up to share his own feeling messages-

    Mr X feelt afraid of my ’emotional reaction’ ( read my saying I feel anger….), and he feels not on the same page when I make flirtatious comments ( read, I feel attracted to your humour/pic in the profile etc- which I was feeling anyways and expressing happily) …But he felt not comfortable reponding in the same vein, and felt like clamping up.

    Feeling confuse how to respond to this. It feelt icky and embarassing to read it first..like a man telling you coming on too strong, and then I feelt arrogant and wanted to tell him off, or better, not respond at all… And then I felt curious about a man who is expressing feelings honestly, and I felt I want learn how to accept/listen to negative feelings directed towards me, and the message it has. And I feel a question within me, like wondering if my expressing flirtatious feeling comes across as coming on too strong.. like leaning forward? I feel curious to know if feeling messages working here..making him open up honestly (and it is fine to be negative)..or are feeling messages backfiring..or maybe I am messing up somewhere…i don’t know. I need help..:)

  16.  #16sunflower on June 18, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Rori..I am learning from your works how to express feelings. But how does on listen to Feeling Message when they come our way..more so when they are about not good feelings?? Would love to hear you on that. Thanks.

  17.  #17Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 9:22 am

    sunflower I would say the push is a result of your response masculine energy feeling (to him)

  18.  #18Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I am feeling soooo triggered right now!
    My 14 year old just flipped out on me and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

    He said “you have NEVER listened to me my whole life!”


  19.  #19Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I feel so sad.

    I try so hard to listen and understand, so much so that I am learning now to listen only when it is not depleting for me.

    This hurts so much to hear from him.
    I could just lay on the floor and sob.

    I guess I have given myself away in this respect and maybe that’s why it stings so much.

  20.  #20Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 9:35 am

    This all following on the heels of SR calling me last night.

    I had missed his call on Saturday night and didn’t really feel like calling him back yesterday, so I didn’t.

    After speaking for a few minutes, I realized that he was drunk and I just said I don’t want to talk to you when you are drunk, I feel uncomfortable.

    He said OK, Bye.

    I went to bed to read and I heard the phone ring a little later, so I knew that he had called back.

    I felt pretty good about having ended the call and not picking up after that.

    This morning I woke up to two pathetic messages from him.

    The first he said, “I’ve decided that I’m not coming back” He had told me this past week that he was heading back to England for 5 days for some training that he needs for his business in anticipation of a delivery of stock that is due to arrive from the UK in July.

    The next message was just “Please pick up, Please.”

    I feel dizzy.
    I feel tight in my chest.
    I feel so so sad.
    I feel mad at myself that I feel so sad.

    I know this relationship is going NOWHERE and yet, it seems from my reaction, that I was still holding out hope somewhere in me.
    I feel angry with him, he basically told me he needed space so he could focus on this business, which he sees as his LAST CHANCE to make something of himself.

    His partners have invested a ton of money and the stock is on a boat somewhere on its way here – what will they do with it if he is not here.

    I feel so so angry with him.

    Oh, I feel a little bit better expressing how angry I am with him.

    I feel like calling him back and I’m afraid it won’t go well because I am so angry and he is so full of self pity is my guess.

    Any ideas would be most appreciated on how to incorporate feeling messages if/when I speak to him.

  21.  #21Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 9:40 am

    I think
    “How dare he bail on me and then bail on the business, which was supposedly so important that he gave me up for it!!!”

    I feel rage.
    I feel ewwwwww, ick, yuck, blech!
    I feel a little more room in my chest.
    I feel nauseous.
    I feel afraid.
    I feel a little tingly in my legs and hips.
    I feel anxious.
    I feel tight in my throat and neck.

    I feel a little worried that this is just drama on his part because he had a disagreement with his partners – yick! blech!

    I don’t want to be drawn in by the drama.
    I want to feel free and at ease and trusting
    I want to feel relaxed and comfortable.

  22.  #22Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I feel angry that he is giving up on the business, because I also invested a lot of time and energy to help him get the foundations laid for it!!!!

    How dare he!!!!

    I know that I made those decision all on my own and am totally, 100% responsible for all the energy I invested and right now I feel totally p!ssed!!!!!!!

  23.  #23Brandylion on June 18, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Daria, from the last thread:

    How do you keep phone calls to 10 minutes? I have found that it usually takes several minutes to get a conversation going, so that would leave not a lot of time to actually talk (which I realize is the point, to help maintain mystery and get a man to have to see me in person to get to know me). I just don’t know how to end a call gracefully after just a few minutes so it doesn’t feel abrupt to both of us.

  24.  #24Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Ack! I just talked to him and sure enough he is coming back to do some training here.


    I said ‘so you are just giving up on the business’
    He said ‘i am giving it to you’ yeck, yick, blech

    I said ‘that is not the question i asked you’

    He said ‘i just can’t do with it, it is too much stress, it’s making me ill’
    ‘you never called me all weekend, its just nice to talk with someone’

    I said ‘well why did you only call me at 8 on saturday night, why didn’t you call me on friday night or any time saturday or sunday during the day’

    I said ‘I feel angry that you bailed on me because the business was so busy and important to you and now you are bailing on that’

    He said ‘i need to go away, i need to go to a retreat or something’ ‘i am struggling’

    I said ‘you need to go into detox or something, I feel so frustrated you are right back where you were, you pretend everything is ok and blam, right back to square one’

    He said ‘i don’t really want to talk about this now, i want to talk face to face’

    I said ‘i have heard that one before’ ‘what is it you want to talk about face to face’

    He said he had to go. Big surprise. He has probably been drunk since Friday. Which is totally his stress response.

    I feel grossed out.
    I feel icky, yucky, yucky.
    I feel angry.
    I feel a little bit of relief he is coming back.
    I feel icky that I feel relief he is coming back. WTF!!!!!!

    I don’t know if i want to see him face to face, i feel afraid it might just re-trigger all the sadness in me.

    I have heard it all before. I don’t need to hear any more words about what he is doing, thinks he is doing, might do.

    He runs away. Period. That is how he handles his life. Period.

    Why oh why do I care so much about him??????

    I will focus on why this is so triggering for me, what is it that is in me about this that i need to love up.

    i want to be more important than the business.
    I want to be important enough to be worthy of being loved.

    I am important enough to be worthy of being loved.
    I love me! There is lots that I love about me!
    There is lots that I feel a little insecure about me – I don’t seem to be ‘normal’ I am naive in soooooo many respects.

    This makes me laugh. I don’t want to be normal if it means that I make choices I am uncomfortable about or unhappy about or make me unhealthy.

    I am learning so much, so less naive all the time.

    Oh my god, I have only ever had two grown up (said with a grain of salt) relationships, EVER. No wonder I am naive. LOL!

  25.  #25ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @3 FW I feel it is directly related to feeling unsafe with that person.

  26.  #26Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I feel so very grateful to be able to vent here.

  27.  #27Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I don’t even feel bad that I wasn’t very Sireny.

  28.  #28ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:09 am

    @9 Pamelala

    In my experience, if he wants to be there, absence will make the heart grow fonder. If that’s the case, I would bet you will hear from him. Go and have fun and try not to worry about this.


  29.  #29Tereana on June 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I wonder if “love” to yourself could include just noticing that you don’t like this thing about you, and go from there. Seems better and easier than trying to pretend you like something you don’t. That feels like “covering up” and “hiding.” maybe in order to love everything about ourselves, we don’t actually have to *like* everything about ourselves.


  30.  #30Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Tereana, true but what if its more like a “its not good or bad, it just is what it is” type of attitude.

  31.  #31ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:25 am

    @15 Do you sirens noticed after a while your guys start using feeling messages because they hear you do it so often?

    Mr. Observant started using smilies and when I said, I feel all smiley, he said, as do I. It wasn’t exactly a feeling message, but I feel he will be soon.

  32.  #32ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Rori, I feel honored you posted a thread about my triggers. Thank you.

  33.  #33Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:27 am

    29: Tereana

    Could it be just loving that we are human and come with all that that entails – the good, the bad and the ugly.

    Learning to love our weak points as edges to grow from, or learning to accept who we are by changing how we view that thing, what ever it is.

    I judge my naivety as something that is ‘bad’ or negative or weak, I like to make decisions with lots of information, so I tend to delay making decisions and this isn’t always good either.

    I wonder if I could also view my naivety as sweet or endearing, like I might if it was a quality in someone else.

    It is what it is. I have had the experiences that I have had and this is where I am. I still have lots of life to live and maybe I am just like everyone else – I know some stuff and I don’t know other stuff. I imagine, given all that there is to know, I will go to my grave not knowing a whole lot of things…

  34.  #34Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 10:27 am

    RG yup… i have a CD who mostly communicates wit me using smileys mow

  35.  #35Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    31: ReceivingGirl

    I have noticed this too. I wondered if that was feminine energy when men started to do this too?

  36.  #36sunflower on June 18, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Thankyou femininewoman. that feels helpful, and I feel it maybe true..
    And right now, I feel maybe it is better when men disappear for a while, and we don’t chase them and just leanback – and when they comeback, the energy balance corrects itself.
    Feels so embarassing to pushed back… I don’t know what to say ;(. What do say? I am feeling so tempted to drop this CD….

  37.  #37Tam on June 18, 2012 at 10:30 am

    @31, yes I have noticed that. Well, I got a ‘I feel rejected’ once and ‘this feels good’ a lot of times, actually, I’d never have paid too much attention to it but now it sticks out…I am not sure if it was copying my feeling messages or whether they’d have said it anyway…maybe a bit of both.

    I’ve decided to let go of the drama in my life..and not even count the days NC anymore. I just want drama and people who create drama out of my life.
    I tried with feeling messages and everything, and he came and then he left and now he is peeved that I get on with my life. I don’t need that. I would like my friends and relationships people and CD’s to be happy for me and not just think of themselves and ‘mess me about’. So there. Goodbye MrU, goodbye Drama.

  38.  #38Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 10:30 am

    wow, a lot of issues on the blog today. lots of negative feelings. I wonder if there’s something going on astrologically? I don’t really believe in that stuff…but it still feels curious…

  39.  #39Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Oh lordy.. I should have known it wouldn’t have been that simple..

    Ok.. since he’s gone to work I’ve had a barrage of texts questioning my trust. He obviously checked my facebook earlier and found a man had messaged me saying 10/10. I stupidly split second replied 10/10?? and then realised what it meant. Left it there.

    Now he’s going on like I’m the most untrustworthy person ever. I act all sweet and innocent but I know what I’m doing, attention seeking etc.

    Ohhh I feel drained. He suggested getting a new facebook and I said Yeh, saves alot of headaches, you get one too.

    Then he writes completely out the blue and not like him at all.. “What have been your goals and still are?”

    I said I didn’t understand.

    He replied “Tell me what your goals are or have been”

    I replied “Good career, earn money, nice house, nice car, have a family.. Why?”

    “Just thought I’d ask” (So unlike him, what is going on ? Seriously..)

    “What are yours?”

    “Mine are one at a time and 1st is getting us on holiday”

    and then carried on with the angry, trust msgs.. argh

    He’s acting so strange.. Why does he leave all this till he goes to work through text. Why didn’t he talk earlier? It’s so annoying.

  40.  #40ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @20 Love Actually

    Wow, this must be a shocker for you. I would let him do most of the talking and take it from there.

  41.  #41Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Slippin Goddess WTF

  42.  #42Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

    and he keeps writing my full first name in the messages. What is that all about? haha It’s not like him.

    “So do I (SG)”
    “I’m not though am I (SG)”

    What’s happened to my guy.. First crying, now texts about the future.. Trust etc..

  43.  #43ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

    @29 & 30 Tereana & Emoticon

    These triggers for me have a lot to do with boundaries as well. I don’t have good boundaries with my parents and I don’t like that about myself. I don’t feel comfortable being my authentic self around my family. This causes me to clam up, instead of doing what I should be doing. They complain I don’t tell them things and I don’t because I don’t want to.

  44.  #44ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

    @35 Love Actually

    I actually think it’s a good thing. They are mirroring us because they are attracted to us? What do you think?

  45.  #45Calypso on June 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Hi Sirens – I have missed the blog while I was away. I had a long business trip and then some personal drama and now I feel behind on everything that has been going on with all of you!

    I’m still CD’ing with POF guys, but have been seeing a lot of one particular man and this weekend he texted me asking if it was ok with me if he changed his FB relationship status and tagged me . . . WHAT? NO!!! Yikes! I do not want a “relationship” with him . . . ugh.

    This is my fault. I have spent too much time with him and of course slept with him . . . BUT, he never acted like it was “Love” or like he needed a relationship of any kind – we never talked about “Feelings”.

    Now I am going to have to tell him something. I replied to his text that I would rather wait and talk about it in person. The truth is, I’d rather stop seeing him right now than have him think, much less announce that we are in a relationship.

    I’m just now getting good a being single! The only person i would consider giving that up for would be GM – if he suddenly came to his senses and wanted to committ to me.

    I hate huring people’s feelings . . . I feel bad already and am dreading my conversation with RL from POF…

  46.  #46Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

    40: ReceivingGirl

    Thanks for this. I really needed to hear this. I tend to talk, talk, talk…

    The more I think about it, the more I think that he is just going to extremes in his own head and likely he hasn’t even talked to his partners about this, and likely it will settle down and he will carry on struggling rather than actually doing anything to learn anything new…sigh.

    I need to keep learning to distance myself, so I don’t get pulled in.

    i feel calmer now and I feel happy that the after effects are not lasting as long and I feel pretty clear headed – whether my assumptions are right or wrong don’t really matter. This relationship is really a matter of convenience for him. I am a soft place for him to fall when he needs an ear or an ego stroke (although, I am mostly just so annoyed with him and so not sure he is getting any ego boost). I will never sleep with him again as that just totally messes me up.

    I don’t think anything I get in return from this relationship at the moment is anything that is really healthy for me…maybe plugging into my unhealthy need to be needed or helpful or listen or help, or my inability to let go 100%. yick, yuck blech!

  47.  #47Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    41: Emoticon says:

    Slippin Goddess WTF

    My thoughts exactly.. hahaha I don’t know why I’m laughing.

  48.  #48Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

    44: ReceivingGirl

    Maybe that’s it. I mean, I like to know how a man feels. I think its healthy for all of us to be in touch with that – then the trick is to communicate it in ways that are healthy and have the most likely chance to actually be heard by the other party. LOL! This is where I often fall down.

  49.  #49Dominique on June 18, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Sunflower – #16 – You listen, really, really listen, and you can say, “thank you. (thank you for sharing this with me. thank you for telling me this.” and that’s all. If you have a more specific scenario in mind which seems not to fit in with what I suggested, would you feel open to sharing here?


  50.  #50Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:46 am

    39: Slippin’ Goddess

    I think I remember you posting that he said he was worried that he could make you happy…

    Is it possible he is just exploring if you are on the same page as well as dealing with his own insecurities about himself (as in the trust issues)?

  51.  #51Brandylion on June 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Sirens, I have a question and I feel embarrassed to ask. I’ve never dated a man that I wasn’t exclusive with, so in both relationships we progressed very rapidly in the physical realm, though one of the relationships did not involve intercourse.

    When you are CDing in the sense of actually going on regular dates with several men, but none have asked you about exclusivity, how much physical intimacy do you engage in with them?

    Like, do you stop at a French kiss outside your door at the end of a date? Do you spend time alone at his place or yours? Do you stop at light petting? Heavy petting?

    Not like it’s an issue right now with zero men in my life, but I personally am inclined to stop at kisses at my door. (I will have to see how well I can actually put that into practice if I ever actually date again.) Once a man and I have agreed upon sexual exclusivity (which for me comes with general exclusivity), then we can just go for it and we don’t have to deal with the frustration of getting each other all hot and bothered from making out and then stopping. Or is getting each other hot and bothered but stopping, say, before clothes come off part of forging a connection and building anticipation? What do you all think?

  52.  #52Tereana on June 18, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Brandylion – I don’t know how Daria does it, but you’d be amazed at how much you can say in even just one minute! Lol. It’s a lot more than you think 🙂 (I know, because I used to have a job transcribing interviews, lol. People can talk fast!)

    I think the point is not to “get into” a conversation on the phone – but to be chatty and friendly, and to the point. The point is to make a date to see each other in person. Do that, get off the phone, and then save the “conversation” for date night.

    At least, I think that’s what she’s getting at…

  53.  #53ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:48 am

    @38 Lamabutterfly


    Read Current Configurations, June 19th. I just got this in my email. Also, venus is retrograde until the 27th so they say love is slow and it’s not a good time to begin relationships while venus is retro.

  54.  #54ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

    @45 (((Calypso))) Yes, it is hard when you know you are going to hurt someone’s feelings, but it’s better to say it now than have him get deeper feelings.

  55.  #55Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 10:54 am


    My mom and I had a relationship just like you and your’s until the day I was really stressed out and she kept askin me questions and telling me what im doing is not the Christian thing so i finally told her IM NOT CHRISTIAN ANYMORE. and from that day ive been able to tell her anything, cuz i couldnt think of anything i could tell her that could disappoint her more. LOL

  56.  #56ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

    @46 Love Actually

    Yes, and if you feel you are just a soft place to land for him, than I think even more reason to let him do all the talking. No need to worry your pretty little head over it! 🙂

  57.  #57Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I feel a bit worried about my own motives here…

    I am feeling hopeful still on some level about this man, uggg!

    He says he wants to give me this business and that feels like a bit of a trap to me. I don’t know ANYTHING about the products or the industry and neither do his partners – its his connections and knowledge and skills that will make this a go.

    I don’t want the business, yet I hear the voices in my head playing out conversations like.

    ‘if you go and get some help to get healthy then i will try my best with the business’ I feel icky at this thought, like I want to use it to bribe him to get well. yick, yuck, blechy!

    And my ugly controlling self wants to jump on this ‘opportunity’. Hah! I feel mad at this part of myself.

    I feel a little tenderness too. Of course she wants desperately for him to be well. She still wants him. She likes to say that she only really cares that he is well for himself, but really, she wants him to be well for her. I feel sad about this.

  58.  #58Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 10:56 am

    50: Love Actually

    I guess you could be right. I’m so confused by his behaviour at the moment. Wouldn’t men be much easier to deal with if we could only read their minds!!

  59.  #59ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:56 am

    @48 Love Actually

    I agree. Also, I know that I mirror the men I am attracted to and like. I always have.

  60.  #60ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

    @50 SG

    I agree with Love Actually. I think this is all about his insecurities and feeling he’s not enough to keep you happy and fears you will find some other guy who will.

  61.  #61Tam on June 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    @51, yeah about the physical stuff…I don’t know either. When I start kissing someone and I like them, after the third date or so it is almost difficult for me not to engage in anything when it is initiated, but then I never have many CD’s just usually one, and another couple that I don’t feel like being intimate with, so I really don’t know.
    Like now, with Bald CD it ferels good but having sex too early on tends to ruin relationships for me, so I don’t know if I should wait…but there is lots of physical attraction all of a sudden (I did not fancy him at all at first, funny)…so it will be difficult to stop?

  62.  #62Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    45: Calypso

    I feel excited to read that you know what you want and that you are clear that you want to date and have fun.

    I feel sad to read ‘This is my fault. I have spent too much time with him and of course slept with him ‘. I don’t think its your fault…spending time with someone and even sleeping with them doesn’t equal a relationship unless both parties agree to it.

    It is hard if someone elses feelings get hurt. I don’t think this is your fault either. He may have made assumptions of his own. I feel glad that he is checking in with you about it so you have the opportunity to have the conversation and clear the air and then you can both decide if you want to continue seeing each other.

  63.  #63Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I actually couldn’t help but just send him a message:

    “Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …and breathe. Honestly feel like screaming.”

    He replied “So do I.. I’m going to give (my guy friend) a ring too next time I’m down, the f*@^$^ t*9$!!!”

    Woooow.. Where has this jealous streak come from? I think someones mind has been going into overtime since we had ‘space’.


  64.  #64Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:02 am

    56: ReceivingGirl

    I feel all smiley reading this. Thank you!
    Of course, no reason to worry my pretty little head. LOL. AND THEN I can just say ‘this doesn’t feel good’ when it stops feeling good.

  65.  #65ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:03 am

    @55 Emoticon

    So, then, I need to get pregnant without being married! LOL 🙂 (I am totally joking here, I wouldn’t do that on purpose.)

    I honestly don’t know of anything else that would be worse for her.

  66.  #66Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:03 am

    58: Slippin’ Goddess

    LOL! I think this might frighten me even more…I’m not sure I want to know all of what goes on in their minds!

  67.  #67Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

    60: ReceivingGirl

    Yeah, I can see that now. You’re both right.
    What’s the best thing to do. Stroke his ego? haha
    I fancy the pants off him and I still get butterflies when I see him.. The thick twit!

  68.  #68Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

    63: Slippin’ Goddess

    I think I remember reading somewhere that when we start to use these tools, that the men can act weird, funny and even angry.

    Soooo, here’s hoping that change, any change is better than the previous stagnancy!

  69.  #69Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

    67: Slippin’ Goddess

    I fancy the pants off him and I still get butterflies when I see him.. The thick twit!

    I feel giggly reading this. Thick twits, indeed! LOL.

  70.  #70Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 11:08 am

    66: Love Actually

    haha yeah thinking about it, neither do I!
    Just a few rambled texts showing what’s going on in his head right now are driving me insane. Be careful what you wish for! 🙂

  71.  #71Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 11:09 am

    RG, dont think about a way to let her down, but if ever u feel like saying something my let her down, just push ur “fck it” button n just say it.

    When i told my mother that, i actually CRIED, cuz i couldnt believe i said that. Now im just like wateva, thats who i am

  72.  #72ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:13 am

    @67 SG

    He seems to be hanging on this vacation as him doing something to make you happy. What if you say, “I feel so anxious and excited to go on vacation just the two of us. I feel this time together will be wonderful. I appreciate you wanting to do this for me & us.”

    I feel you need to start telling him what you appreciate about him and what he does that makes you happy.

    I think it’s the, Think Like a Man and Act Like a Lady, or whatever those books are called that says when a man feels he isn’t up to par at making you happy, then he doesn’t feel good about himself.

    What do you think?

  73.  #73ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:16 am

    @71 Emoticon

    My parents are the king & queen of guilt trips. They can turn any situation around to make me feel guilty. My mom will start bawling and lock herself in the bedroom. My dad will say how I’m so insulting to him. These are the things I just don’t know how to deal with. My feelings are not heard. Once I wrote them a letter telling them how I felt and they automatically thought my bf at the time wrote it. They live in a fantasy world where they think they do no wrong and everyone else is the bad guy. I’ve stopped even trying.

  74.  #74Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

    RG when my mom does that i take a serious break from her (dont take her calls for 2-3 weeks) just 2 let her kno that I dont HAVE 2 talk 2 her if i dont want to. I talk 2 her everyday because im a good daughter. If she wants to be able to reach me she will act accordingly.

    Mean? I know, but it helps me sleep at night.

  75.  #75Daria on June 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Calypso – I feel so sad to read about you dropping him and such

    That’s so sweet he wants that! All good men will.

    This is not time to drop them or mommy them.

    This is time for the no gf speech.

    Aww 🙂 I feel special that you would do that. And actually, I’m not looking to be a gf here or have a short term exclusive thing. I want to be married and have s family. I feel open to get to know you more, and I want to be single and be able to meet people until someone proposes something serious.

    When he insists he’s serious I say

    🙂 ok I dont want to be a gf… And i feel open to keep dating and getting to know u

  76.  #76Calypso on June 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Thanks ReceivingGirl and Love Actually! I appreciate the feedback and th ehugs 🙂

    In the past I would have just gone along with the “Relationship”, but now I know he is not what I am looking for long term. I like him and we have things in common and do interesting things together, but I don’t FEEL that I could ever give him my heart fully.

    He does not know many people in town and there are a lot of fun things that he wants to do that he does not want to do alone. I’m happy to go with him and be his date and although the sex really doesn’t do anything for me, he seems to be getting a lot out of it (LOL) and I’m fine with that.

    BUT – I am not going to settle for less than what i know I am capable of feeling for a man. I am not bored and I am not lonely. I miss GM every day, but I’m not waiting for him. I’d just rathjer be free to do my own thing.

    Already I’m wishing I was not facebook friends with RL because he “Likes” every single thing I post ont hre and now I feel like he thinks I am talking to him or about him all the time. I have actully stopped myself from posting a couple of things that I wanted to put on my page because I thought about what he would think of it . . . UGH – i don’t want to have to care what he or anyone else thinks right now!

    On a side note – I CD’d like crazy on my business trip to Miami recently – It was so fun and surprising! I’m loving my new found siren power !!!

  77.  #77Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

    75: Daria

    I feel so glad you are here Daria!

    This makes perfect sense and feels relaxing, easy, peaceful, true (at least for me if i imagine myself in this situation)

  78.  #78ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:32 am

    @74 Emoticon

    I would love to be able to do that. I live alone. If I don’t return their calls within a time period they see fit, they worry, they would either come to my house, call the cops to do a wellness check, or call my friends and then I wouldn’t hear the end of it. Can you say drama???

    I think I need to find a way to out drama them or something. People always have such great suggestions, but they just won’t work on my parents. I wish they would. I feel like a naysayer when I say they won’t work, but I just know them and how they would act.

  79.  #79Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:41 am

    ((((((78: ReceivingGirl)))))

    I feel for you. My dad is a drama king too, but he is ill now and so I only have to worry about it when I am actually there and it’s very different now because he can’t remember things from minute to minute.

    I am lucky though because my mom is so not drama or guilt inclined. I am so proud of her because I have seen so many changes in the past 5 or so years as she learns to take better care of herself too!


  80.  #80Emoticon on June 18, 2012 at 11:43 am

    RG…. i really hope u find a way 2 end that drama, cuz it can be so draining and feel so overbearing OMG

  81.  #81Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:45 am

    All this talk about parents is making me feel guilty about my son. Sigh.

    He felt unheard this morning, clearly.
    I feel sad about that.
    I don’t want him to feel unheard.
    I want to feel heard also.

    I used to have such a close relationship with him. Then he turned 12, his voice changed and EVERYTHING changed…not like I wasn’t told that this change would come, but I was still so shocked.

    He is truly a lovely human being. And I often feel very happy that he is asserting himself as I am hopeful that this means he is taking care of himself (despite the fact that I feel worried that many of his choices are not good). He feels confident that he is making choices that are good for him and I’m sure as he matures, so will his choices.

    I am grateful for this post as I now feel so much more open to his feelings and thoughts and hopefully we can connect around this later.

  82.  #82Calypso on June 18, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Thanks Daria! The thing is, I was a wife for 23 years and I have already raised a family. I don’t know that I ever want to get married again. It’s not that I’m holding out for a committment – he would probably give me one in a heart beat – the problem is, I don’t want a committment from him! I’m not interested in going any deeper with this relationship than we already have. :/

  83.  #83ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:51 am

    @79 Love Actually

    Yes and that is the other part to feel guilty about. I’ve had people tell me they wish their parents were still around and would love to deal with my drama. I should be grateful they are still here.

  84.  #84ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @80 Emoticon

    Thank you! 🙂

  85.  #85ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 11:55 am

    @81 Love Actually

    I understand your worry about your son’s decisions, as you do want what’s best for him. I believe at a point, it’s time to allow your children to make their own decisions and that will be how they learn what is best for them. They need to make mistakes to grow. This is the only way they can be independent and fully functioning adults. He needs to feel trusted.

  86.  #86Daria on June 18, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Calypso – hmm I would look at what I want.

    Most of us women are looking for a live in person close wonderful forever relationship

    If you had your perfect man, I bet that’s what you would want too.

    I’d get really clear on the relationship I want, (dont lie to yourself because the NVs tell you it’s impossible or it won’t work or u don’t deserve it)

    Then practice w all guys who are willing to lead me that way (like this guy – doesn’t mean you’ll say yes, any second of your time is a blessing for him always – and others)

    This is about you opening up your heart to the relationship you want

    I hope you won’t dismiss this post . It’s really important to get the feeling and sense of the relationship you want in order to have it… And if you’re intersted in men … Thats your sign that you do want a relationship. So you can trust that.

  87.  #87Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 11:58 am

    83: ReceivingGirl

    Oh, I so didn’t mean to illicit guilt in you.

    Please don’t ‘should’ yourself.

    Drama sucks!

  88.  #88Daria on June 18, 2012 at 11:59 am

    ‘I hope you don’t dismiss this post’

    My way of expressing that I felt my tummy and heart lurch w dussapointment rembering times I shared information I felt strongly about and I didnt feel heard or received

    It felt so sad and I don’t want to feel that wat

    Now I’m noticing I feel angry at myself for putting myself out there

    I’m feeling sad already

  89.  #89Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    SG he asked you about goals and you responded like it was a job interview. That was a golden opportunity to share how it would feel when achieving each.

  90.  #90Daria on June 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Aww 🙂 thanks Love Actually 🙂

  91.  #91Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    SG I believe you could even have shared your girlish fantasy about your knight in shining armor and beign swept off your feet, in a flirtatious way. But them again that is me. I am having so much fun doing this kind of thing with guys now. Just recently I would freeze (play dumb, though guys call it shy) or run away from such things.

  92.  #92Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    85: ReceivingGirl

    Yes, I totally agree they need to make mistakes to learn and grow. I have always given him (I laugh at this as mostly he has taken it) a lot of independence and believe that it is a good thing.

    Sometimes I feel nervous that I have ‘allowed’ too much though because I am so far over on the parenting spectrum that a lot of people have criticized and judged me over the years.

    He has really made some doozeys in the past couple of years and I’m so hopeful he has learned from them.

    Despite all this, he often displays more maturity and functionality than many adults I know.

    He is VERY caring and kind and has a tender heart of extraordinary proportions, which I know has been very hard for him being a boy. He is learning how to manage this for himself – it was so painful for him for a number of years – so I am very glad of that.

    I just love him so much!!!


  93.  #93Calypso on June 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    You are right Daria, I would want a relationship with the man who is exactly right for me. I discovered during my relationship with GM that I am capable of feeling total and complete love and trust for a man. I would have given him my whole world – happily. He was not a perfect man by any means, but he felt perfect for me – even when we did not get along. Even now when we are no longer together.

    I have tried opening my heart to RL and even challenged myself that I may be sabotaging our chances because I have real intimacy issues, but I don’t think that is it.

    The things I like about him are things like: he gives me the space I need, he does not push for romance in public, he does not act like he is going to have expectations of me . . . these are things that I would not mind at all if he was my Mr Right . . . I like that he does not crowd me because i don’t really want a relationship with him.

    The things I don’t like: He smokes and I have Asthma. I can’t stand being in his apartment and after kissing him I feel like I have been licking an ashtray. He also has issues in bed and I get absolutely no satisfaction from being with him and he does not seem to notice or care.

    I understand that these are things that could be fixed in a relationship if I wanted to put the energy into communicating with him about them, but I don’t.

    Maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship yet. I don’t know. I just know that everything in me tells me not to go any deeper with RL. I feel resistance in every cell of by body and I am listening . . . I’m still on POF and just accepted a date with another man. Still looking . . . Just need to deal with RL without crushing a good man . . . I tend to be very blunt when it comes tot hese things – it is how I protect myself. I will have to work very hard to use feeling messages with him. It will be good practice for me.

  94.  #94Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I feel so happy after such a stressful morning, I get to go for a massage now, that I have had booked for over a month!

    Feeling excited to feel more relaxed.

  95.  #95Daria on June 18, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    ‘aww 🙂 I feel special that you want to do that… And actually, I’m not looking to be a gf here… I want a forever relationship and I feel better being single and meeting and dating and getting to know people until someone wants that with me … And can offer me a plan and a life together that feels good 🙂

    It doesn’t have to be him.

    Just keep practicing your speech!

    And notice the in the moment stuff that is turning you off – rather than globalizing… Him – so you can share your feelings – that often removes the lil turn offs and makes it easier to open up

  96.  #96Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Brandylion once a man is indoors the possibilities are wide open. Not that he would force himself on you but once there is chemistry everything can go out the window. I would not invite them inside unless I am open to taking it to the next level.

  97.  #97Dominique on June 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Brandylion – #51 – This is totally up to you and what you want and would feel comfortable doing. You could experiment, see what feel better/best to you which may very well be different with different men.

    The more intense the physicality though, the more you are likely to feel attachment, so this is a consideration.


  98.  #98Daria on June 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Calypso – this is not about RL. This is about Everyman ever.

    And especially about YOU.

    You can stop dating RL if you like. There will be plenty of men.

    You will need a no gf speech, so you don’t become a gf and throw yourself off the bridge – for a hottie – before the relationship you want is really manifesting.

    Using it w RL, whom yore not invested in, is practice. Easy practice so you’re ready for the big ones.

    And it’s still the truth.

    And no, you’re not promising him you want to be forever w him by telling him wat u want and that u don’t want to be a gf right away in a possibly short term thing.

  99.  #99ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @87 Love Actually

    Oh, no, you didn’t illicit guilt in me. Someone else did that! 🙂

  100.  #100Calypso on June 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    That makes sense 🙂

  101.  #101ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    @92 Love Actually

    You sound like you are doing fine. Also, remember, he’s at the age where parents don’t know anything. He just wants to be left on his own.

  102.  #102ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I feel so much calmer now that I have my phone back. I hated being without it.

  103.  #103Daria on June 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Love actually – I would use feeling messages and respect the masculine 4 rules w him!

    Have you heard of mindful parenting?

    Also him saying that and slamming the door is still a judgement of you and of course feels bad… Ouch

    I would hear his anger and make sure I’m also taking care of myself by not tolerating (feeling messages, walking away for now) bad treatment .. So he gets the dynamics of good make female communication

  104.  #104ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    I think it was my fear of uncertainty…now knowing what was going on, but wanting to know.

  105.  #105Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    99: ReceivingGirl

    Oh good 🙂

  106.  #106Brandylion on June 18, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    FW, I think that is what I’m getting at–I don’t know for sure what “the next level” is. In both of my relationships, there was a period of time when we stopped while clothes were still on, there was a period of time when we stopped with nothing but underwear on, there was a period of time when we stopped while totally naked but after manual or oral sex, and then in my college relationship we eventually reached a point where we had actual intercourse.

    So are you saying that if you, personally, invite someone in, you are open to going to the intercourse level, or are you open to getting to one of those other levels first? This is what I’m trying to figure out how to navigate–what my boundaries will be and how to avoid situations where they can be broken.

    (By the by, it occurred to me this morning that I wonder if PriestCD’s priest knows he sleeps in the same bed as his girlfriends. When his priest suggested in December that we limit our physical contact to hand-holding and closed-mouth kissing, I am quite positive that sleeping in the same bed was a prohibited activity in his mind. Yet it doesn’t seem that it ever occurred to PriestCD that that is something that should probably have been avoided if he genuinely wanted to avoid going places physically he said he didn’t want to go. Of course, not sleeping in the same bed does complicate visits during long-distance relationships, which is what his last three have been (ex-gf from his late 20s whom he saw himself marrying, me, and his new gf).

    So here is this man who is in the process of becoming a youth group leader for his church, who told me just two Thursdays ago that he plans to advise these teenagers that, when you date, you show up at her door with a plan, you execute that plan, and then you promptly return her to her door (which he explained he did not do in a HS relationship–he’d pick her up, they’d drive around, they’d stop somewhere and make out, he’d take her home), but he’s not walking his own talk about how to avoid sexual temptation!

    It’s just more evidence that the poor man doesn’t really know himself and what his own boundaries really are.)

  107.  #107Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    101: ReceivingGirl

    LOL! Yes, I really don’t know anything…
    Its tough being 14, I remember!

  108.  #108Love Actually on June 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    103: Daria

    Yes, I will try to do this more.

    I have used feeling messages and then when I get triggered they go right out the window.

    I will re-look at the 4 rules too.

    I feel reassured that this will help him with healthy male female dynamics. His dad doesn’t model much in the way of healthy dynamic AT ALL. 🙁


  109.  #109Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    my boyfriend and I live together and have been for 1 year. we have known each other for 11/2 years. he is really cute blond, blue eyes. he has never been married, and is in hie 50′s, still good looking. my question is, women seemed to try to flirt with him when I am right there with him. giving them their home phone numbers and e/mail adresses when we are at like insurance business places. I reported one already to the big rig if that was right, and was told no. how can I stop this?

    2. debbie, you can’t stop it. Here’s what you do. 1. Get a big sense of humor, so when this happens, you instinctively smile at your man, lean back, and feel sexy. 2. Get in touch with your jealousy and anger, and let it further enhance your vibe by not trying to sit on it. You don’t have to speak it. Women who come up to him and give him their numbers are not going to get anywhere with him – especially not as you’re standing there, your hand gently in the crook of his arm or in his back pocket while you’re leaning back, being totally serene and confident. Stay close to him so he can feel your energy, but lean back. Once you do this, you’ll see he’ll be even more turned on to you. It’s like the estrogen from the other women just gets transferred to you – it’s a good thing. Thank these women (not directly and verbally – but with your mind and body language) for increasing his love for you. Love, Rori

  110.  #110Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Brandylion many men believe that when you go to their homes you are suggesting that you are comfortable going all the way to sex with them. If you invite them in your place late at night the same applies. At least that’s what many have told me. When it comes to physicality, religion and rules the waters can get muddy because in the moment when feelings are involved and a woman is willing many a christian couple go down that path. As well as other couples that have the no sex before marriage rule. From my perspective people can find ways to show passion without going there and judging someone because they broke a “rule” is judging myself. It is best to know what your standards are, then communicate them and live them.

  111.  #111sunflower on June 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    @49 Dominique

    wow….:).Thankyou. I am going to go with your suggestion. Have to email it though, so how do I convey i am really ‘listening’.

  112.  #112sunflower on June 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    @49 Dominique

    wow….:).Thankyou. I am going to go with your suggestion. Have to email it though, so how do I convey i am really ‘listening’ ?

  113.  #113Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    my dream guy has a gf. all of my old CDs have gfs. what is God trying to tell me?

    I have to be okay with myself.
    I have to take care of myself.
    I have to know what makes me feel good and joyful and how to share that goodness and joy with the rest of the world.

    I’m still working on being okay with myself, with taking care of myself, and doing things that make me feel good and joyful, and sharing those things with the rest of the world.

    I feel patient with myself.
    I feel hopeful.
    I can do this.
    I can be happy.

  114.  #114Daria on June 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    i just ignore those ‘men believe’ this and that about late nite rules

    ive always been ok though sometimes awkward

    if i bothered to believe those rules i would be bothering to believe other ‘rules’ too that i thought were true and are not, such that men don’t like to take women out anymore and such…

    it doesn’t matter what he believes about sex

    i can use my boundaries and STOP whenever i want. with this power, i no longer need to get into his head

    if *I* have insecurities due to my believing some of these conventions to be true, i share that im feeling insecure thinking about such and ask what he thinks

  115.  #115Daria on June 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    wow Feminine Woman, thank you for sharing that Rori advice about other women flirting!

  116.  #116Daria on June 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    i see where i went OFF was i disengaged and moved away to where he couldnt feel my energy

    i did it on purpose so he could have space to flirt w her!

    not voting for ME!

    wow yay im healing this!

  117.  #117Daria on June 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    lamabutterfly – who cares if they have gfs? everyone can have gfs… but we sirens want to be married and happy 🙂

  118.  #118Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    With as many women who have experienced date rape I believe it is wise to pay attention to conventional wisdom.

  119.  #119Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    @117 Daria – I care. I don’t want to waste my time with guys with gfs. I feel don’t feel valued, important, or number 1 with a guy who has a gf. I need to feel all those things!

  120.  #120Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    guys with gfs are such a huge issue for me. I feel so angry at guys who were clearly into me, but gave up on me because I pushed them away out of my fear and insecurity. then, when I feel more grounded and secure and fearless, they come back to me, they get curious, and I feel hatred towards them. because I feel rejected, I feel second best. and their gfs always hate me. and I hate feeling second best to men, and hated by women.

    how can I fix this?

  121.  #121Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm


    yeah, I feel really angry…

  122.  #122Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    it’s not like I even throw myself at him like all the other stupid desperate girls without any self-respect. He always came to me by his own choice and he always will. Is that what makes you so mad?!!! That he wants me without me having to ^&*( persuade him?

  123.  #123Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Iamabutterfly switch hats with those guys. How do you feel when you are “pushed ____ away out of my fear and insecurity”? Why would they want to stay around?

  124.  #124Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    uggggg, does anyone have any insight for me? Like, it’s so annoying feeling a taken man’s attraction, but I’m not going to encourage it because, oh my word, I actually want an available man?

  125.  #125Dominique on June 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Sunflower – Though it’s best to have these kinds of interactions face to face, sometimes it’s unavoidable having them via other means, such as text. You could try saying that it would feel better hearing whatever it is in person. Or you can interject with texts, such as, “Yes” or “I understand.” If he expresses that he’s angry, sad, disappointed, etc., you can say, “I’m sorry.” Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you were responsible for this person’s feelings or that you are taking this on. It says you feel empathy for them.


  126.  #126Iamabutterfly on June 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    @123 Feminine Woman – totally makes sense. I feel hypocritical, because I know the biggest turn-off for me in a man is insecurity. I just don’t know how to fix my own insecurity, and I do really hate when they come back!!!! (and they always come back!!!)

    I’m thinking of this wonderful, gorgeous, insecure old cd. I wonder if he has the same issues with anger at women coming back to him when he is feeling more secure?

    It seriously makes me feel so angry that I want to rip and destroy things…

  127.  #127Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Michelle – you are missing the point here….when he said “You’ve been quiet” – you took that as a request to initiate more – and he DIDN’T SAY THAT! We women get ourselves into trouble when we try to INTERPRET what a man says. He merely commented that you’d been quiet. How do you know he didn’t LIKE that?!!! This kind of moment is your opportunity to use feeling messages – Oh, It feels good to hear your voice, and I just don’t feel good reaching out to men. It feels much better to just let you run how things go. It feels great to me to just lay back on my couch and sip tea and see what happens…” Anything like that.

    The moment you started leaning forward, you created a new dynamic. Do NOT call a man (unless he ASKS you to call to confirm something or other)! There is nothing for yu to share – you’ve only had 6 dates – and he’s pretty much telling you directly that he’s done. He’s lost interest. There’s NOTHING you can do at this point that wouldn’t make it worse. Just leanback, Circular Date, meet and date other men.

    Also – do NOT go to a man’s place if you can help it! You have NO power there! Love, Rori

  128.  #128Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Lori says:

    What do I do when a guy starts using feeling messages on me in conversation? One of my circular dating guys is doing this and it feels like he’s trying to play the female role and force me into the male role. It feels like he has done Rori’s programs himself and is trying to turn it around on me! That feels icky.

    1345: Rori Raye says:
    Lori -what you do is outgirl him. Hear him, but don’t go into “thinking” – stay with your feelings, express them in words and keep asking him what he thinks. Perhaps it’s just a nice way of expression he’s cultivated as a sensitive man – find out about him. Perhaps he’s actually very decisive when it comes to other things. Perhaps he’s very sensitive to YOU. Find out…

  129.  #129Tereana on June 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Brandylion, 51 – I don’t know if I am the person to help you with that. Lol. But if I think of some wisdom, I may offer it later. : )

    In the mean time, I am feeling a little bit open, raw, vulnerable. I basically bared my soul to MM this morning. And now that I haven’t heard back, I feel… Weird!

    So I’m just…breathing, sinking in. I’m realizing that this is now my more natural, automatic response :-). Instead of just letting my thoughts spiral out of control, I am catching them, internally, before *I* feel too bad. Yay! I am taking care of myself! Hooray! : )

    It was funny, because this morning, just as I was thinking about MM, and realizing what was really important to me, and where my boundaries were – and feeling awesome about it – voila! He called me! At 8 in the morning. Lol.

    And we talked about what was going on, how busy he was. And I told him my preference – that if we meet up again, I’d like it to be on a weekend. I really don’t like meeting during the week, it’s hard for me. And he agreed : ) yay!

    But then he asked me “what I wanted to talk about,” and I clammed up. Mainly, because it was 8 in the morning and I was getting ready for work. I really didn’t want to open the whole can of sex worms at that hour. Lol.

    Only afterward, and during the convo, I felt myself being a little evasive. Like the way I’ve been lately, where I feel resistance to answering a direct question. I didn’t want to be vague and leave him hanging, or dangle a carrot. Butviboretty much did.

    So a few hours later, I texted him. I said basically that – that I didn’t want to be vague. I wanted to talk about sex (nothing bad), and that it would feel better to wait and talk in person.

    Yay, me, because it’s true!

    I guess I have nothing to worry about. I thought I might have been a little “crazy” yesterday, and grasping at straws. But not really. And even if I felt like I did, and was communicative, he still called me this morning. That was super great!

    So we now have an agreement that he will let me know when he’s available to see me on a weekend. And meanwhile, I am not holding the space for him. If I make other plans, then he’ll have to wait ; )

    And that feels good. I feel nervous about baring myself and saying that I wanted to talk about sex. It feels open and raw, and honest. And I can’t hide it anymore. It feels like standing naked in front of him. I can’t take it back. But I can just let myself be the way I am, and love my vulnerability by letting it exist. He can think and do whatever he wants. I will be okay. Because I am on a mission to be true and honest about myself, and not to hide what is important about me.

    Yay! I feel sexy : )

  130.  #130Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Rori Raye says:
    Hi, Ginger, Welcome…and I’m just going to be very direct with you here…you sound very young, like high school…am I correct? If you are at all interested in a man who is depressed over his last break up, the only place to look is at your sef-esteem – which absolutely HAS to be very, very low for you to even CONSIDER spending time with a man to whom you come in a poor SECOND to his ex. Can you see this more clearly now from the outside? The very fact that you are interested in him (he can tell) when he KNOWS he’s not in a good place makes you seem desperate and needy, and completely eliminates the attraction. The only way to get a man out of someone else and into you is to be fabulous WITHOUT him. Please work with Circular Dating and all the Power Tools here, and I look forward to helping you get stronger and clearer. Love, Rori

  131.  #131smile on June 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Starla – from previous thread…

    “just keep swimming…”

    I too am a dory/nemo quoter lol.

    This made me smile 🙂

  132.  #132Daria on June 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Ive never been date raped and I have spent time with men MOSTLY at night my whole life.

    Some people feel safe hitchiking.

    Some people don’t feel safe ever meeting somone that htey don’t meet through a mutual aquaintance.

    It’s not a huge fear of mine. I don’t see myself getting date raped – i’m really really good on my toes I guess… I used to sell drugs on the street and assist prostitutes and I just trust my vibes… i know when its not cool, how to get away, how to talk someone down, stall for time, and other emergency measures

    take that back, i have been date raped once – i drank a lot of tequila with this guy – but i dont want to really blame him fully cuz i remember sitting in his lap at one point and pulling him towards me (the only two flashbacks i remember) at another

  133.  #133smile on June 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I’m finding it difficult to switch from thinking to feeling mode…

    So I am just going to sleep instead…If I can stop thinking…

  134.  #134Daria on June 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    for some reason i feel defensive sad and about this

    i carry this thing that my whole life people have told me what i do is dangerous (other than and even soemtimes, people who do the same or things i deem even more dangerous)

    i do not want to carry this burden any more

    i want to feel safe in the world

    i feel so GLEEFUL that i know the secret that strange men actually treat me with love !

    more love often than men i already know

    and that i feel safe with this

    and i feel all sad being judged about this

    i imagine the whole world thinks of me as irresponsible , bad, immature, i dont care about myself, not sane

    🙁 🙁 🙁

    i dont want this way of thinking anymore

    IVE had thousands of situations of sleeping over at nite with a man

    I AM OK!

    i dont want to argue

    i feel not seen and sad sad sad

    i feel scared too!

    these people can hurt me, legislate me, take my children, alll

    due to their own fears about the world and other people!

    and judgements on me!

    i feel so pwoereless and scared thinking these things!

    i dont want to doubt myself

    i dont want to doubt my intuition that i am ok – cuz the ‘resposible thing’ is to doubt myself

    and if i dont do that, then SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN TO ME!!

    and I DESERVE IT!!!

    that feels awful!

    i dont want these thoughts

    i choose to believe i am so safe w my intuitino

    “no its not safe for you to believe that!”

    i refuse that

    i dont want that

    i want to believe that its safe to believe that im safe with my intuitino

    its ok daria

    i feel so tight in my mouth

    i feel scared!

    its oke!

    theyre just scared remember!

    theyre scared

    they believed something thats not true and it scared them

    they believed thw eorld is bad, men are dangerous, and

    that following your intuition is not safe and it will get you raped

    and that is just not true baby!

    you will be ok

    you are so ok

    and its ok to feel helpless about them

    its ok to feel scared

    aww babe

    its ok

    mmm i know you feel compassion for them


    it feels scary to think theyll never come out of it yeah?

    its ok!

    they will!

    even by you just noticing that


    🙂 everything is healing babe

    u r so wonderful

    its ok to go play 🙂

  135.  #135Heart on June 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Feminine woman – did u read my dream in the last thread. What do you think?

  136.  #136Heart on June 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Everything Manboy does triggers me in somewhere…I get so angry by some of the things he says…
    But I think it’s great in a way…I’ve learnt so much about myself from the experience…

    FW – he posted that he was feeling down and sad. I felt shockd by this…and thenhe posted songs about missing someone and becoming a man and having courage. I haven’t been posting on FB…Im on a break but Im feeling likehe is expecting a sign from me or something…I dont want to question him because it feels like leaning forward….is expressing something leaning forward? Any advice?

  137.  #137Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    89: Femininewoman says:

    SG he asked you about goals and you responded like it was a job interview. That was a golden opportunity to share how it would feel when achieving each

    Aww I feel bad that I missed the opportunity there! You’re so right! I think he just shocked me with the question and I responded without thinking really and without FM’s, whereas I have been doing in most other texts. Ahh well.. Learning curve! Might still try to fit in my night in shining armour dream if it comes up again! 🙂

  138.  #138Slippin' Goddess on June 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Ok, so I leaned forward a bit and asked him if I could have the car Wednesday to use for work. It would make the day so much simpler and I really didn’t know how else to ask him other than just ask him.

    He responded “Whenever you want.. You do the planning and say what you want me to do”

    Isn’t that feminine energy?

  139.  #139Tam on June 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    @ heart…it’s a classic manboy thing…if I would send mine a ‘sign’ now, he would jump at it like a puppy dog…straightaway. By leaning back he gets a bit insecure. Anyway, you could experiment?
    I am done with mine…so far 🙂

    Bald CD has really sent me the sweetest email ever, with sentences like this:
    ‘To me you are a bright well grounded beautiful woman and its your natural down to earth nature that makes you a joy for me to be around’
    and this:
    ‘I could sit around for hours (actually we do) talking about anything and everything or admiring the world that spins around us. ‘
    So I just enjoy the sweet attention and feel ‘awwww’ about this. At last someone with a warm heart…that’s nice.

  140.  #140Rebecca on June 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I want to learn to ‘like’ myself..

    I want to like my legs which I think are shapeless and fat

    I want to like my stomach that sticks out quite a bit

    I want to like my plain boring mousey broen limp hair

    I want to likemy plain jane looks

    Iwant to love me just the way I am and feel confident and happy

  141.  #141Heart on June 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Tam – lol@classic manboy thing…

    BaldCd sounds really sweet…

  142.  #142Tam on June 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    does your manboy contact you still, or just sulking?

    Yes, Baldsey is good, he is the exact medium between the guy who came on too strong and Mr U who always came on too weak and now has really put his foot in it.

    Bald CD is happy with himself and calm – there is a lot to be said for that. I think damaged men will cause damage. Sadly.

  143.  #143Sassy on June 18, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Silver moonbeam, are you out there shining anywhere???

  144.  #144Gemini on June 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    sirens it’s ok to ignore text messages for awhile right? i feel like leaning wayyyy back cuz i’m feeling irritated and just can’t be bothered to respond right now. blah.

  145.  #145Heart on June 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Tam – as in recently? We’re on FB but he hasn’t texted me or called in a while. The vibe between us is awkward.

  146.  #146arrowofthyme on June 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    im going to a man’s house tonight to watch movies. which means, making out. i suggested it because i cant see anything long term with him but his goodnight kiss on our first date was so sensual and spectacular that i thought, oh, this could be useful. especially because i miss feeling sexy and wanted. i’m either rockstarring my way through post-breakup dating, or my heart has been replaced by cold trout since the last guy. i cant tell yet.

    a question keeps popping up for me which is this: im still navigating all these new behaviors. i know a lot, but staying with these new practices, and not letting my inner little girl lash out, or get anxious, and staying with my feelings – those arent integrated yet.
    so if i meet a really evolved guy, i mean, just the thought of meeting one, it feels sad. like i need to warn them that im not done baking yet. that im still practicing. i see a lot of immaturity in me still and i want to get close to someone who can guide me a bit who isnt smaller than me but i already feel like if i met one, i would either be freaked out or id be compelled to apologize in advance for still being very much a work in progress.

    i know that sounds insecure, but there are men who are advanced emotionally and there are men who arent. i want to be around the evolved ones, without feeling like i have to get it all right if we start to get closer. hmm.

    geez i dont write for a few days here, and suddenly i cant stop. hi ladies.

  147.  #147Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Heart it seems to me that expressimg anything would be allowing him to pull you off your bridge. Giving him too much power. Too much concern with his feelings.

  148.  #148arrowofthyme on June 18, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    you know, very specifically, im thinking of my financial independence too. im still forging a creative business of my own, and i struggle with money often right now. i left a good paying job to do this because the good paying job made me feel like i was dead. some weeks, it feels almost dire financially. and so i have these thoughts like, i want to learn and be around men, but until i get myself squared away, i dont want a relationship because ill just end up being dependent on them or the balance will be way off. actually my real thought is that a real grown up together guy isnt ever going to want to date me through this period. i cant tell whats true.

  149.  #149Gemini on June 18, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    hi arrowofthyme 🙂
    “until you get yourself squared away” ayyy i feel you on that, although do we ever get ourselves truly squared away? always evolving! and an evolved guy would hopefully admire the fact that you’re focused and committed to your own evolution. and maybe a real grown up together guy would respect your initiative, ambition, and trust/confidence in yourself as you create opportunities for yourself and follow your dreams. or something like that! 🙂

  150.  #150arrowofthyme on June 18, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    ha. gemini, yes, cheers to that. one of my exes who is a very close friend of mine likes to recall that on our first date when he said i seemed really calm person, i put my wine glass down and looked up at him and very seriously and in slow motion said “sometimes im not a calm person at all.” and then my eyes got really big, like, take this hint, brother.

    i guess i can just be as microscopically honest as i get closer to someone as i can be. i can say what i struggle with and what im afraid of. i guess i can do that. er. that feels scary.

    the kind of person i want to be with ultimately isnt the person i am yet. but sometimes i feel like being that person is going to take such a long time. but you know what, some days there are exponential energy shifts inside me and im not giving up.

  151.  #151arrowofthyme on June 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    i think what i want to say to a new evolved guy who imagine is really together and mature is: “i learned how to be vulnerable and honest and thats really new for me and im still practicing so dont hurt or abandon or ridicule me while im practicing these new behaviors or itll hurt even worse.”

    wow. im not going to say no to an emotionall mature person because i think the chances of rejection are higher. im going to say yes. even if its scary.

  152.  #152Gemini on June 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    arrowofthyme….i think that your honesty and self-reflection are positives not negatives, better to share than suppress right? we all go through struggles and doubt and fear, including dudes…nobody’s perfect! i think…wait, i’m thinking too much!

    i FEEL…..i feel impressed that you feel your doubts and fears and express them honestly. i feel hopeful that you can be gentle and loving and patient with yourself as you grow and evolve, and i feel that way toward myself too (i need some gentleness!)…and toward the dudes who irritate me lol! we’re all learning and growing in this great adventure of life 🙂

  153.  #153Gemini on June 18, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    yes, say YES!! 🙂 yes to life and learning and growing and evolving, even if it hurts sometimes…

  154.  #154arrowofthyme on June 18, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    ha! yes yes yes.

    i feel grateful.

  155.  #155Gemini on June 18, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    yes! awesome. i feel good too, better then when i was mired in my own problems lol! i love telling other people how to fix things, it distracts me from fixing my own things!! hahaa 🙂

  156.  #156Linda on June 18, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I dont think I can absorb anything from this post.

    What jumped out at me was this person being judged by her appearance from her family. I have lived under this too. I have natural curley hair and never been super lean and trim. My weight history has been like a yo-yo all my life. My mom is only complimentary of me when I am in a size 10 or less. I went on a job interview back in ’05 to rejoin the workforce full time ( and I got the job and still have it 7 years later)… but she said to me DO SOMETHING WITH THAT HAIR! ….. OMG…. I have always felt less loved by my mother when I had a few extra pounds on my frame or my hair was not straighten. My Dad… (he passed in 2000) loved me unconditionally. It did not matter what my hair or weight was.. he accepted me though he was no an affectionate man.

    My last relationship, the man was obsessed with looks. His and others. We would be out for a meal and he would see an over weight person…and would say…..”Good Lord, push yourself from the table”!!! He would say my hair was to “full”, or dont you think you should shorten the string on your yo-yo? Oh and of course, I was not blonde or a sexy vixen. I got to the point that I could not watch a movie with him if there was a thin blonde lead in the movie. I secretly loathed him for this.

    Even today his words ran thru my head. I want mt power back. I heard if from my mom and now him…. I might see a woman in public that fits what I thought he would like looking at and despise her. O my goodness, how UGLY of ME!

    He told me he was not sexually attracted to me for along time… I thought you NEVER were really! WHen I met him I wore a size 8! and he suggested it would not be bad to be thinner.

    So these things that trigger me are things that I dont like about myself? I guess you are right. I keep thinking if I looked different things would be different. Yet I like myself. I was made this way, it is just not the way that our society glorifies as HOT and desirable.

    I am telling you… I could scream. I work in a hospital. People are fighting for their health, or being able to walk… THAT IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS!

    I feel fed up today! I opened my profile on a dating website 2 weeks ago but I deleted it today! My inbox was full but now nothing. It just feels like MORE REJEction…. I can take it anymore. I feel better now that I deleted it.

    I have got to break this pattern that is destructive in me. An stop playing the tape. “If I was thin and blonde” …. My last relationship was really a lot worse than I thought. I feel frozen and all closed up. He could be quite charming on the outside, but life with him around was more debilitating that I realized!…….I have lost touch with the sensual woman side of me . I am sure I am giving off really wonderful vibes! NOT!!!!


    So what triggers me…? ALL OF IT.

    The average woman in the US is a size 12-14.

  157.  #157LoveAlways on June 18, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Rori’s programs were my first exposure to emotional triggers, and I’ve made so much personal progress with this!

  158.  #158Emerson on June 18, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I am a size 12-14, for the record. 🙂 I get compliments on my body from men I date. 🙂
    I am curvy and I don’t care, I love my body.

    Most men seem to like it too and I carry my weight well. I could stand to lose a few but I can’t diet the way I used to. I am very active and physical and it keeps the flab away, but I’m probably never going to be a skinny minnie!!!

    Also, I LOVE curly hair! I have straight hair, but I love when women with curly hair let it go crazy and natural! I envy that…which is why I have hot rollers. 😀

    Sending love to you and maybe CDing in person is a better option than online for a while/?? I find that I need to take a break from the dating sites and get out there sometimes…I get tired of looking at the same old profiles over and over!!

    Hmm…Linda you’ve inspired me to set a new goal…
    I want to keep my dating site open for now, but I will have a goal to meet at least one new potential CD a day in real life…which means talking to them…which means I have to start with five second smile!!!!!!

    Yay I can do this

  159.  #159ReceivingGirl on June 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm


    I’m all ready for bed. Going to hit the hay an hour early. My neck and shoulder are still sore, so hopefully I will get a good night’s sleep and they will feel better in the morning.

    My phone service at home has 3 bars…I’ve never had 3 bars!! I’m so excited.

    I can tell Mr. Observant is still not himself, even though he says he feels good. It must be really hard for him. I’ve decided I’m going to be really patient about seeing him until he’s feeling up to it. I know that is an undetermined amount of time, but I will be able to tell when he’s back in full swing.

    I got my Kindle Fire today. I’m charging it and can’t wait to try it out tomorrow. Time for bed, I have to look well rested and pretty for pictures tomorrow! 🙂

  160.  #160Hunnybunny on June 18, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    I planned a trip to NY at a time when I was in the laser focus and capturing mode with this man I met online “B” is what I will call him. My best friend recently moved here and I used that excuse to come and to see if he was who he was leading me to believe he was since March 2012. I’ve seen all the red flags and was not willing to let go. He poured on the charm, stated he couldn’t wait til I get here to take me all of these places and just stop texting and calling a week prior to me coming. I couldn’t get him out of mind and yet I knew I couldn’t cancel the airline tickets or change my vacation plans as my bff was so excited to see me. I felt so bad about being dishonest. Yet the day before I arrived I stayed up all night and emailed him of my coming even though I hadn’t heard from him for a few days. He responded call me when you get here and I did. I’ve been here for 3 days and went back to my tools and circular dating online. Getting attention and compliment from other guys, but feeling them due to him. I went out to NY today alone after reinforcing the mantra, keep the focus on me. I sent him a text from Time Square letting him know I am having a great time and loving it. While all the time I want to hear from him. He lives here in NY. I’m in CA. I have my tools. I’m just feeling disappointed and let down. Sirens, I need you. I have 5 more days in NY with my bff and her wonderful husband, yet I am stuck in this rut. Help!

  161.  #161Daria on June 18, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    im feeling worried that my messages on my fave social site have dried up

    i used to get like 20 a minute and now i have had like just a few over the past couple of days…

    i feel somewhat relieved too like maybe its to mean that i can practice keeping better track of men calling ppl back and such

  162.  #162Daria on June 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Hunny Bunny it sounds like you’re doing great! Meet a new man!

    When i went to New York I was taking advantage of the adventurous energy from being in a new place and doing the 5 sec look – men were everywhere coming at me.

  163.  #163Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Heart I read the dream but it seemed so confused to me I was wondering if you are clear about what you want in your life so that your subconscious could help you. It seemed all over the place to.

  164.  #164Daria on June 18, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Slippin Goddess – take it as he wants to accommodate you and help you

    you can share what would feel best for you, “thank you 🙂 itd feel easiest if you can drop it off tuesday night” or if you don’t know say “i don’t know” or “i’d feel better if you figure it out how i can have it for wednesday for me babe i dont want to be in charge of it”

  165.  #165Linda on June 18, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    ty you Emerson

    I do want to meet people in person. Online… the website is the same old men. I have been off there for 2 years and lots of the faces.

    Well, those fish are swimming around in the same old sespool. I dont want to fish now I have doubts about the bait. It is a different season in my life. I feel true to myself for deleteing it.

    I will go to bed feeling good that I did the right thing for me. Go me!

  166.  #166Linda on June 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I actually could not believe that lots of the the faces are the same. Are they not really looking for a real relationship? I was amazed! hmmm makes me wonder and question everything.

  167.  #167Hunnybunny on June 18, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Weight, rejection, age and never living up to what other expect of me has been a lifelong struggle for me. Doctors, pills, the wrong men and bad choices are the result of the teachers I’ve had. But the one fell safe idea I’ve held onto is that, when I look a rainbow it has a lot of colors. Colors that apart are unique and together are spectacular. Where do you feel you are in our rainbow? We will never get to a point where something or someone won’t burst our bubble. But everytime I alot of bubbles all together I feel so much joy. That is why, it feels good to give hugs and support to others, even while I am feeling bad on the inside of myself. Tonight the stars still shine. Tomorrow the sunshines for all of us. Goodnight Sirens….

  168.  #168Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    30: Rori Raye says:

    Gina – NO. It’s not possible. Stop talking to this man right now.

    Never, never, never spend one moment of your time with a married man. Never.

    It compromises everything you believe in and WANT on a core level, and it absolutely makes it impossible for you to be available emotionally for a real man who really wants you.

    Cut yourself loose from this self-destroying pattern of unavailable men and start Circular Dating.

    Love, Rori

  169.  #169Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    I don’t coach women who are in relationships with married men. And I don’t coach women who are married and having affairs with other men – unless it’s an open, polyamorous marriage and the husband knows.

    This is not about being judgmental (I once, long ago, when I was desperate and depressed, had an affair with a much older, married man – so though I’ve worked to no longer judge myself, I feel very sad about it and how I was so desperate and depressed at that time) – this is about it being absolutely impossible to work on yourself or anything else until you can be honest and authentic in your life.

    And as long as you are lying to people, and committed to keeping this lie alive – I can’t help you.

    I can help you with your marriage, but that would require you ending the affair, coming clean about it, and getting some help – which could also end your marriage. I know this is not something you want to do.

    So – I’ll start here: This is about YOU. First, find out how you can be financially independent – and work toward that. Then, figure out how you feel about your marriage, and what your options are. When you’ve settled that, you’ll be ready to invest in another relationship – either with this man or a new man.

    I wish you luck on your journey, Love, Rori

  170.  #170Daria on June 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    “this is about it being absolutely impossible to work on yourself or anything else until you can be honest and authentic in your life.”

    yay I feel so relieved now that I’ve told my parents i smoke pot lol

  171.  #171Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    747: Rori Raye says:

    Kathryn, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself here. Please…by focusing on this man who is doing nothing more than being a “casual acquaintance” – you are hamstringing your own life. I know how this works. You basically put your life in a holding pattern for years – it can go on forever if you don’t work yourself out of it. The only man who counts is one who ACTIVELY LOVES YOU. That’s the job description. You go from there. If a man is not actively loving you, to where you feel wonderful about yourself in his presence and out of his presence — then he is NOTHING to you. What you do is Circular Date and discover and transform what it is that is holding you so stuck to a man who is….yes…not interested enough in you. The reason doesn’t matter. If your goal is to change yourself so that he will be interested…that goal is misplaced and won’t work. Go out there and change yourself for YOU — so that men will come from everywhere to be with you and you’ll have your choice. Perhaps he’ll show up, perhaps not, but you’ll be in a much better place to make a good choice for yourself. Love, Rori

  172.  #172Femininewoman on June 18, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Starla I believe I mentioned this to you. I finally found it.

    Tina says:

    Hello Rori,
    Ive been reading your post and all the lovely women post that visit this page. how ever im at a difficult place in my relationship right now, i was engaged to get married to a wonderful man, yeah he was one i was really hesitant with in the begining and after i let him in he was great and then when he had me he drifted, then we came back to gether and that time he had the ring , however i wanted a wedding and he wanted to do the court house thing so time and i believe people and thier suggestions got in the middle, however we got across that and came back together, so this last time i purchased the reconnect your relationship and it was working however i tried the dating thing cause he was here but he was’nt committing again and i feel like it back fired cause he’s started dating and now he’s posting pictures of him and a young lady that he’s haveing fun with on his social page so i deleted mine so i would not get in a low place….

    the reconnect your realtion ship really help me stay grounded and all the tools are wonderful, but now we are not even communicating and even when i am hanging out with other wonderful guys, and im present..when i get home and lay down my heart still desires my ex fiance’…i dont want another man… we have been together for four years…
    i remember the last time we spoke he asked me was i dating and i said yes and he told me he could feel it.so im wondering if he has moved on cause i began dating….
    another thing is i trust in the lord and i know what will be will be, however….

    what do you suggest I do now?

    Rori Raye says:

    Tina, Welcome, and have you ever talked with him about this? Asked him what happened? Why you’re not together anymore and why he’s dating? He didn’t move on because you moved on – but if you need to know, then ask. You’re letting him be in control here. Share how much you miss him, and that you’re not sure what to do, where things are at for you both. But you can’t bring this up until you feel solid inside, know what you want and are in touch with your feelings. Then -consider talking with him…Love, Rori

  173.  #173Sunshine on June 18, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Love this post and I like that it talks about family. Seems like the hardest challenges in life are with family especially communication. I also feel that with fathers or father figures, its important to practice feeling messages with them even at the present adult stage, its a great way to heal the past and see the present differently.

  174.  #174Heart on June 18, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    # 163 FW – no I’m not clear about what I want….thanks for the input

  175.  #175Starla on June 18, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    oh my goodness, i had the most safe and loved feeling day with my best friend today.

    I also had a constant drip of piney feelings for CF. That annoying drip.

    My best friend and I went shopping and eating (our favorite past time) and she was super supportive in my quest to throw out all my flannel pajamas (except the one pair she gave me for a birthday gift one year, of course!) and replace them with silky sets and nighties. I felt almost surprised by her level of support, because we’ve been ‘kids’ together for almost 2 decades.

    I am upgrading myself into a full adult siren, and finding this level of trust/comfort with myself to know that inside I have a very childish (in a good way) side, instead of feeling like I need to “wear it on the outside” for men to know that we have things in common.

    Basically I can have any man I want, I realize. I mean single men, of course! I like to think any man who is not single is with a woman who is super sireny that he wouldn’t want to leave, because a powerful masculine men forms DELIBERATE relationships:) Any man who is not single and unhappy enough to ditch his girl for me is not the man for me. I want a powerful creator in my life, not someone who lets life happen to them and finds themselves ‘locked in’ with some woman they don’t even feel strongly for.

  176.  #176Starla on June 18, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    More updates:
    Alaska posted on his facebook that he was throwing up nauseated from our conversation yesterday. He said he wasn’t happy with himself or his choice or something, and that he couldn’t sleep all night cuz he was so sick. He’s been physically sick for about 30 hours. I hope he feels better soon. And I’m glad I decided to stay away from this man.

  177.  #177Starla on June 18, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    he also made some comments about some girls of “questionable legal age” (his words) at the pool he was at today. Weird. He gets weirder and weirder. It’s like he self destructs when confronted with any sort of rejection. This all started because I didn’t like how he talked to me when a car honked at me and spiraled from there. (((((((((((((Alaska)))))))))))) may you find peace, buddy.

  178.  #178Starla on June 18, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    Last update and then I’ll catch up on everyone’s comments:

    I gained 6 pounds (presumably muscle), but I weighed myself today, and I’ve dropped 10 pounds now!! 10 more to go and I will be right at my ultimate goal. And I went from being solidly a size Large to being in between a Small and a Medium. And I’ve dropped 3-4 dress sizes.

    My body is looking amazing and I am just feeling amazing and sooo in the vortex imagining the juicy life I was meant for.

  179.  #179Starla on June 18, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    thank you, fw, you are an amazing resource

  180.  #180Starla on June 18, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    i know i’m spamming, but remember when I said I was scared to put up a profile pic on fb that shows off my big nose? 3 guys I haven’t talked to in months or even years IMd me tonight there to tell me how beautiful I look in my photo. And more than that, they paid me some very sincere compliments about how focused I am in my life and how they find it to be very sexy.

    I am feeling REALLY good.

    I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

  181.  #181Emerson on June 18, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    Yay Starla !! U r so rock star!

  182.  #182Starla on June 18, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Thank you, Emerson!

  183.  #183Emerson on June 19, 2012 at 12:06 am

    I told newCD that I’m feeling bored with texting. Never heard back. Yawn!!!! He’s so random and inconsistent & I’m just bored!!!

  184.  #184Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Linda ~ I sooooo relate to what you are saying. Some men have said some awful things to me and I am only a size 12.

    I am a typical pear shape and feel self conscious in just about everything I wear!! I NEVER think clothes look good on me..

    I have also got quite deep-set facial features which I feel make me look masculine. Oooh how I envy dainty faced ‘pretty’ girls. I feel so masculine and unnattractive next to them.

    My hair is wavy and incredibly shapeless. There is little I can do with it. I would love to wear a wig!

    Unfortunately I do think physical appearance reflects on how we get treated, and maybe that over time affects who we are. I know I am certainly bitter about it – and unless you’ve felt like this I feel it’s so easy to say that looks aren’t important and it’s all about personality.

    If it is my mindset then please G0d let me change it!! I hate feeling like this and so down on myself…

    I’m always thinking.. If only I could lose weight… If only I could be like her or her…

    Oh well, I have to accept how things are… I’ve accepted being on my own anyway.

  185.  #185Emerson on June 19, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Also I’ve been worried about recycled.. I do feel sad for him aometimes. I feel bad like he will remember me as a crazy bitc# and I feel sad ;(

  186.  #186Daria on June 19, 2012 at 12:36 am

    Rebecca – personally i’ve always been beautiful.

    and i never got attention from boys growing up, i felt like a loser.

    then occasional attention abt bein sexy but still was guy buddy girl/ best friend of girl they liked

    now i get super mega attention i mean SUPER MEGA ATTENTION !

    and you know what … when i feel shut down… i get no attention again

    when i feel good about me… i get THE WHOLE STREET LITERALLY STARING!

    its such an incredible power that something like conventional looks has the tiniest to do with it

    its more like a LIVENESS that comes and kinda LIVES and moves and EXPRESSES my body

    its like taking a crash dummy and moving it sensually, hypnotically

    it SINGS!!!

    its really all in the energy, in the way i hold myself and express myself in my body and face

    that makes me beautiful

    cuz sometimes i look all boy-man too in this same body

    i feel sad and insecure about that

    i want to love myself with for and about that

    looking like a boy sometimes

    or like a tired hard woman

  187.  #187Daria on June 19, 2012 at 12:49 am

    life is movin me in a special direction

  188.  #188Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:06 am

    “Are you struggling with your Niche?


    If you’ve been in business for more than five minutes… or you’ve been thinking about starting your own business, you’ve probaby heard you should have a “niche.”

    (A niche is an identifiable specialty– an area of expertise for a specific group of people.)

    “Helping people get what they want” doesn’t count as a niche. The 16 year old cashier at McDonald’s does that.

    And if you’re a coach, healer, teacher, artist, product seller or service professional who doesn’t know your niche, there’s a very good reason… Choosing a niche sucks!!!!

    Anyone who tells you that choosing a niche is easy is either

    On crack, or
    Has no idea what it’s like to be you.
    You might as well ask me, “which arms and legs would you like us to cut off?” as to ask me what my niche is.


    A niche is not who you are or all you do. That’s what makes it hard to choose.

    And here’s the MILLION DOLLAR SECRET to take the pain away:

    Your niche is the VEHICLE that brings your people to you.

    That’s all it is. Once your people find you, you can be EVERYTHING you are, and give them EVERYTHING you have to give them.

    I have this conversation on a daily basis.

    With clients.

    With friends.

    With myself.

    We human beings buy what we WANT, not what we need.

    So take a look at what YOU have that your people WANT. That’s where you’ll find your niche.

    It’s often so obvious you’ll never see it.

    For instance, I have this friend who has this amazing talent for making men fall in love with her. Effortlessly. Unintentionally. All the time. You think there might be a market for that skill? And yet for the last six months she’s been tearing her hair out trying to come up with a coaching niche. Are you kidding me?

    (I’m curious to see if she takes my advice, and creates a program to teach women what she knows about being irresistible to love. I’ll keep you posted.)

    The best way to attract your ideal client, so you can have a deep relationship and give them the big picture transformation you want to provide… is to understand and OFFER THEM ONLY ONE THING THEY WANT, FIRST.

    Your niche is only the portal.

    Take my “money” niche, for example. I don’t give financial advice. I won’t tell you where to invest. I won’t crunch your numbers. I’m famously sloppy at arithmetic. Money isn’t nearly as interesting to me as love, happiness, and healing.

    And yet I’m one of the most well known, well-respected, and successful wealth coaches in the world. New success stories come in every day.

    Which begs the question, “how did I get here?”

    I listen to what my people want from me.

    How it began: when I wrote my first article about Financial Alchemy, the response was so overwhelming–like a tsunami, really–that I knew my niche had chosen me. I remember thinking, “Hmmm! I guess this is what the universe wants from me.” And I’ve been very, very fortunate that my client results have validated my accidental niche.

    And that begs the question…

    WHAT NICHE IS CHOOSING YOU? Are you listening?

    Paying attention to what’s choosing you… that’s what’s going to make your niche EASY. And I like easy.

    And you still get to be all of who you are. You just don’t name it in your niche. Your niche is just the beginning of the journey.

    Most of my people think they want money. And that’s groovy.

    But money is just frosting. IMPORTANT frosting. They get to have the frosting.

    Underneath the frosting is the BIG CAKE. The cake is everything they ever wanted– love, health, happiness, purpose.

    Get it?

    We’re ALL in the cake business, deep down… but our people buy our cakes based on the frosting.

    Your niche is your frosting. Make it sweet.”

    “Morgana Rae is an internationally acclaimed life coach, speaker and author,
    and she’s regarded to be the world’s top Relationship with Money coach.
    She has guided thousands of clients around the world to be business and money
    magnets,to have more fun at work and more love at home, and to create a total life of ease,
    flow, and synchronicity. Access her FREE VIDEO SERIES at http://www.MoneyMagnetVideoGift.com.”

  189.  #189Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 1:43 am

    Daria ~ I do feel good in myself but I feel I am just responding to how the react around me. 

    For example, when people seem to be in a hurry to get away from you and two minutes later you see them engaged in conversation with someone else.

    Does this make sense? My opinion has formed from the way people have responded to me… 

    I don’t know if that makes sense.

    Like I’ve had friends over the years and sometimes I sense that I am not glamourous for them. They seem to glow in my prescence and I seem to be the fat and frumpy one wanting to disappear..

  190.  #190Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:51 am

    “Don’t worry too much about what other people will say. Don’t talk about it with other people until you feel sure enough of yourself and your choices to be safe when questioned. Don’t push yourself into a position of explaining something that you can’t yet put into words.”


  191.  #191Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:54 am

    Rebecca – yeah! thats exactly how i used to feel and would feel around my friends!

    i NEVER got attention…

    then over a couple of years, same friends same me same body…

    now its like WOW !!! and all the attention goes to me! even aroudn the same friends!!!!

    except for when i feel shut down in myself – the attention goes to them again

    that “responding to them” is just the set past pattern…

    its what i practice shifting in the moment and w practice it starts changing and becoming a new better normal

    now IM the one knowing for getting all the attention!

  192.  #192Daria on June 19, 2012 at 2:22 am

    Love Note of the Week:

    Accidental love is not romantic, it is dysfunctional. Create love on purpose and get the love you truly deserve.

    “We are all fed the myth that romantic love is accidental from movies, books, songs, and fairy tales. It is time to let go of the myth of accidental love. The only love that shows up when you are not looking is the same dysfunctional love you’ve been experiencing so far. It is time to break the pattern and get a new kind of love, one that reflects back your love of self. ”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

  193.  #193Daria on June 19, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Rebecca – a lot of it for me has to do with body language

    if i can LEAN BACK on my back foot and my heels and hold my head up like a rose on a stem and OPEN my heart and body and smile

    then i get magnetic

    i can do this easily when i am feeling good and remember to do it

  194.  #194Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 2:43 am

    Ohhh I let myself down yesterday.. I think..

    I was textin askin bout the car and he sent me a one word answer of “Nyt” when he’d usually send a sweet lil good night text.. One word texts really trigger me!! It’s the same as the “Ta” text the other day. Argh!

    So I flipped and sent “Feel angry getting oone word replies! Doen’t make me feel loved at all. “Nyt!”

    Oops.. He replied “Stop being daft, I’ve just finished work, sorry if I havnt got any essay to write you! Dont know why you’re ‘angry’ ”

    and that was it..

    He’s on twitter this morning putting loadsa things on..

    Didn’t even acknowledge me putting something on his facebook yesterday acknowledging the holiday.. and being appreciative of him doing it has meant he’s barely text me back..

    I’ve leaned forward far too much.. Rarr!

  195.  #195Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 2:56 am

    Daria ~ what I find really strange is that I ‘do’ feel really good in myself (or maybe its a veil and deep down I don’t? Hmmm… Ponderous thought…) hnmm… Reframe.. Maybe I am trying to act like I feel good about myself.. Hmmm… It’s that whole inner slob thing… Arrgghhh I need to work on this… So difficult..

    It’s weird because my mum is larger than me and has bags of confidence and people just love her. Though she is taller than me. I alwys feel like I still have the body of a teenager .. I didn’t quite develope into a woman because my body shape never changed from age 16… Oh god I sound so shallow complaining..

  196.  #196Tam on June 19, 2012 at 2:59 am

    @154 Heart, awkward, that’s the vibe MrU and I left it at too…I just disappeared from the scene and now I saw that POF crappy profile, I ain’t coming back onto it either…. even more awkward vibes now with me posting on fb about new love and life…hehe
    I see he stopped dead posting German things on our common friends page, just kind of a depressed vibe going on from him. Maybe I am imagining, but in any case: whatever.
    I do find that time does remove the ‘awkward’ somewhat…and leaning back and moving on…and that’s when manboys come and get ya again..so watch out for that 😉

  197.  #197Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 3:04 am

    Plus he’s supposed to be bringing me the car today ad yet just read he’s doing things, going the gym and then to work.. ??? ..and I’ve not even heard from him this morning..

    Great, that space did us really good didnt it! Argh

  198.  #198Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 3:12 am

    Good Morning Sirens.

    Today I am finding it a litle tricky balancing holding my boundaries and not asking the innocent question.

    What I mean is my boyfriend decided to go to a therapist after I said I didn’t want to be in a relationship where there were past addiction issues if the person was not seeing a therapist.

    He said he wanted to see someone and he wants to be with me and he found someone and arranged appointments. That was about 1 month ago and he has been to 1 appointment, and he missed a couple due to circumstances.

    Anyway, today he is due to go again. And he asked me to come over tonight.

    Well I strongly feel that I don’t want to go over until I see that he is keeping his appointment.

    Ok, that isn’t a feeling.

    So the feeling is unsure.

    And the boundary is what I said above…

    So I asked him ‘are you still seeing your therapist later?’

    He said yes, although it was a little unclear to me whether the appointment is confirmed or not.

    I then dropped it.

    I feel a bit uncomfortable commuincating around this.

    How do I check if he saw her later without asking the question?

    Do you have any feedback for me on this?


  199.  #199Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 3:35 am

    In the last relationship I had I felt really loved and I didn’t feel fat and frumpy at all. I want to feel like that again. I want to feel happy and relaxed and not judged. Like Daria says I want to feel like that with EVERYONE!! Oh joy…

    My 3 CDs at the moment are huge fitness freaks. They are super fit and this is probably why I like them.

    CD1 is very tall and athletic and has recently given up alcohol and has a very healthy diet as well as doing lots of exercise

    CD2 is very lean too and is into running and yoga and is very, very fit healthy and again doesn’t drink.

    CD3 is again very fit. Goes to the gym a lot, goes swimming, boxing, eats healthily etc. Though he does drink alcohol.

    Me on the other hand… Mmmmm seeing why I might be feeling so much angst about this..

    Previous boyfriend: we had a very simillar level of fitness. In fact think he thought I was quite sporty and fit. He was quite fit went running etc, but he enjoyed eating out and he was a big drinker… Hmmm maybe thats why I felt more comfortable with him.., ah ha….!!! Light bulb…

    Now, how can I feel comfortable around everybody…?!

  200.  #200Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Well I spoke to him on the phone nd said “Thought you were bringing the car today?” He said erm I was I was just about to text you. I said Id seen on his twitter he was busy all day.

    He said “FUCK OFF and WALK”

    He’s text saying Leave him alone, he’s had enough. Can’t do anything right and I’m never going to change.
    I rang and he put the phone down.

    Said leave me alone!

    Now he’s said thats it, its over and hes deleted e off facebook and said he’ll drop my stuff off weekend.


  201.  #201Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 3:46 am

    Well I spoke to him on the phone nd said “Thought you were bringing the car today?” He said erm I was I was just about to text you. I said Id seen on his twitter he was busy all day.

    He said “FCK OFF and WALK”

    He’s text saying Leave him alone, he’s had enough. Can’t do anything right and I’m never going to change.
    I rang and he put the phone down.

    Said leave me alone!

    Now he’s said thats it, its over and hes deleted e off facebook and said he’ll drop my stuff off weeken

  202.  #202Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 3:48 am

    Dancing Siren, you could just “assume” that he went and ask him how the appointment went.

    You can then take it from there, depending on what he says.

    Although, no offense but trying to control your man’s every single move feels very masculine to me, it’s getting into his business too much, me thinks.

  203.  #203Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 3:52 am

    Slippin’ Goddess, wow…

    I don’t think I could put up with being told what he told you (F OFF AND WALK).

    I think I would walk.

    I don’t think you deserve being treated that way.

    No one deserves that kind of treatment.

    It sounds awfully rude and childish to me.

  204.  #204Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 3:55 am

    He said he might speak to me later as he could kill me right now..

    and “Oh I’ve blocked you from all my accounts so you can stop giving me headaches over stupid things!!”



    “Now Im not going to get anything done all day because Im just lying here feeling guilty.. OVER FKN WHAT?!”


  205.  #205Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 3:55 am



    I am not trying to control his every move.

    I just know that I don’t want to spend time with him if he is not seeing someone.

    This is my boundary.

    Is that masculine? – Just curious?


  206.  #206Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 3:59 am

    Sirens ~ could I ask your advice. This guy who is really into me. Keeps texting me etc… But I think he wants serious relationship – has just come, by accident, back into my life.

    He keeps hinting for me to go out with him, though not an actual date.

    I do NOT find him attractive, but I also find that I feel very, very bored in his prescence though he is very, very nice and sweet.

    Would I be leading him on if I went out with him?? I don’t know if I could put up with him for a whole day either and that’s how long it would be??

    Also, it makes me feel that I am sad and desperate that I am even thinking of spending time with this man when I find it so super difficult,

    I have fallen asleep in his prescence before because I was sooooo bored…

    Argh.. What shall I do? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated..

  207.  #207Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Rebecca @199

    “Now, how can I feel comfortable around everybody…?!”

    I firmly believe that if you can accept your body, hair, etc., just the way they are, then you can be comfortable around everybody.

    If, on the other hand, you don’t fully accept how you look, then you certainly can do something to improve what you don’t like, even if you never get to the point where you can say “wow, everything seems perfect now and I am exactly where I should be”.

    In any case, this is exactly where you should be since there is no other space than your own body to fill.

    I also believe most people who are buff are NEVER truly satisfied with their body but will accept it nonetheless.

  208.  #208Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 4:07 am

    Slippin Goddess you are too laser focussed on him and what he says. What the heck if he wants to use one word texts? It’s his phone. Now you have to really lean back, even in your mind. The anger is coming out and this is good.

  209.  #209Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Francesca ~ thanks – i think my main problem is, is that I am always changing my mind.

    One minute I want to be super healthy and fit and only eat the right foods etc, exercise everyday etc

    Then I will have a relapse and just go back to my bad old ways of self indulging myself whenever I feel the urge…

  210.  #210Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:10 am

    I know.
    Is it really good?
    He’s blocked me from all his accounts and said it’s over.
    It doesn’t feel good to me. 🙁

  211.  #211Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Dancing Siren your keep repeating what you said to Francesca but you keep seeing him and him alone

  212.  #212Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:13 am

    Dancing Siren,

    No, I don’t feel that what you’re wanting is too masculine.

    I get that you want to be with someone who’s healthy and responsible enough to treat their own body and mind as if it were a temple.

    Also, sorry if I made it sound like I felt you were controlling his every move.

    It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard for some people to actually come to terms with health problems, be it physical or psychological.

    It can be tough for some people to step out of their confort zone and engage into a totally new process.

    Maybe he’s afraid of what he will find if he goes on with these appointments?

    Is it something you think you could ask him?

  213.  #213Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:13 am

    He says “Cant you see how fragile you’ve made me, You’ve broke me and I’ve had enough!”

    I didn’t even think what I said was that bad. I only asked about the car and said on Twitter I’d seen he was busy and hadn’t heard from him. Bloody he11.

  214.  #214Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Francesca/Slippi Goddes he was angry. Many men are afraid of their own anger. I would deal with his when he comes back but right now SG needs to sink into her feelings and start scripting. Maybe LoveScripts would help if you have it SG.

  215.  #215Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Rebecca tell him youfeel wary of just falling into a reLationship. You want proper dates and to be courted properly

  216.  #216Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:21 am


    May I suggest you start with baby steps?

    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, do what you can, see how far you can go and then work with that.

    You don’t have to be perfect right away, it’s almost impossible to do that.

    Relapses are ok, as long as you pick up your good habits as soon as you see you have taken a step in the “wrong” direction.

    Maybe find a picture of someone whose body appeals to you (something doable) and pin it on your mirror or fridge and set your goal according to that.

    I believe that as soon as you see how much your body is changing, you’ll be encouraged to continue with your routine.

    I know I am.

  217.  #217Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:22 am

    I’ve didn’t reply to the last few texts. I let him vent and left it.
    It’s been half an hour after all the anger came out and he’s just text saying

    “Why do you feel the need to jump all the time SG? …Seriously? xx”

    I don’t have it FW. I am short of cash at the moment but I may buy it when I can. I’m sure it would help.
    He does seem very angry and as he said. Fragile.
    He seems so different off the drugs or maybe it’s the tools and advice you are giving aswell. This is all new, he seems more emotional.

  218.  #218Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:23 am

    Oh, yes, and find something you REALLY enjoy doing, not something you’ll get bored with after a week or something.

  219.  #219Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:27 am

    FW, he may be angry but I don’t think it’s any reason for him to snap at her like that.

    He had agreed about the car and changed his mind without consulting SG.

    I know I don’t accept my man snapping at me and I tell him that I don’t like being spoken to that way.

    But yes, SG, you should lean back and give him more space now.

  220.  #220Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:28 am

    He’s probably calming down and realising he’s just deleted and blocked his own girlfriend.. I’m sure that would end the relationship on there as well. Heavy.

    I felt anxious at first. Now I’m feeling more relaxed. I feel from his texts he’s feeling guilty. I can sense now he’s tried to text and add kisses he’s calmed down and is trying to come back.
    I feel shocked and empty inside. I have a funny tingly feeling in my stomach. I’m not used to this.
    Maybe I shouldn’t have felt angry over a one word text. Maybe I shouldn’t have been bothered that he was supposed to bring the car but then didn’t get in touch and put on twitter the other things he was doing. I’m human though. I didn’t expect him to flip like that. Jeez.

  221.  #221Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:31 am

    I didnt reply to the kisses text so he’s put

    “Ok then! In a bit!!”


  222.  #222Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:33 am

    I feel like that’s his control.
    He uses the “It’s over” “In a bit!” Etc to get me to respond.

    It does make me feel queasy and make me want to respond as I’m anxious about the next nasty things he’s going to send to try and hurt me.

  223.  #223Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:34 am

    SG, how long have you two been together?

  224.  #224Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:36 am

    16 months Franscesca x

    When he was angry he sent texts saying “Get somebody else to take you on holiday” Etc. Etc.
    It’s making me feel so insecure as I don’t know what’s going on from day to day. He can just snap and “end it”at any moment.

    I feel dizzy.

  225.  #225Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Do I respond? What do I say.
    I’m still shocked. Phew.

  226.  #226Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:49 am

    I feel shocked. I feel numb. I don’t want to feel this way.
    I felt anxious and I didn’t like that feeling, it made me lean forward.
    I feel confused as to what step to take next.
    My heart feels heavy. I feel hopeful this is a forward step in some way and not a back.

  227.  #227Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:54 am

    SG, when he tells you things like that, this is a great opportunity for you to use FMs, as I’m sure you do.

    It seems to me that he can’t handle pressure very well. Am I right?

    But then again, you are not responsible for his feelings and the way he answers you.

  228.  #228Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:56 am

    SG, will he let you use the car?

    If so, tell him how you appreciate his gesture.

  229.  #229Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Yes. Even his mother says he can’t handle ‘life’.
    He is always stressed. He tries to please everyone and impress everyone and so brings the stress on himself.

    I feel so dizzy it’s like we’re going round in circles.

  230.  #230Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:58 am

    There’s nothing much that you can say right now, except thank you.

    I guess it’d be better for you to let this blow over.

    Let him calm down and by the same token, give yourself some time to calm down.

    Then you can discuss this face to face, once your feelings (yours and his) are at a better place.

  231.  #231Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 5:00 am

    I said “I feel shocked and numb. I’m trying to process everything that just happened.”

    He replied “Oh here we go ‘victim time’, Im trying to process why you just keep pickin at things the way you do”

    He seems to think me using feeling messages is me playing ‘the victim’.

  232.  #232Heart on June 19, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Tam – *sigh* I miss him…but this situation is beyond pointless.


  233.  #233Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 5:07 am

    SG, just drop it for now.

    I think we both can see he’s not in a good place atm.

    Let him drop the car, thank him and get busy with your own day.

    This is not something you can settle this morning.

    You are both too raw and things could get even more nasty.

  234.  #234Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:09 am

    He might SG but keep sticking with your feelings. Also you dont have to share all of them. He is angry it is what it is. You are learning a new way and he has to learn it also. Stick with it feels/I feel, I dont want what do you think. He is entitled to his anger.

  235.  #235Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:10 am

    FW ~ I don’t want to date him. I know I don’t fancy him. I have no desire to hold his hand or kiss him. It would be strictly friendship – but would it be good to practise the tools with these men too?

    As I understand it Rori says practise with all men. So it would be good practise for me. Or is it leading him on when I know he might get hurt if I don’t want more.

    Also with these men I end up being extra, extra nice with them and I enf up sorting out their entire love lives because I am so bored in their company I enf up digging amd digging with them and they give me little back. I then end up getting all passive aggressive with then because I am resentful that I am putting so much effort into them…


  236.  #236Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Oh he won’t be dropping the car, he’s in work in an hour and lives an hour away. He planned other things to do and didn’t bother telling me. Well he put on twitter he’d planned other things but apparently hadn’t. God knows I’m confused. Same old behaviour. Anyway I’m playing the victim if I’m bothered by that.

    You’re right. Leave it for now. We probably won’t get anywhere. If we didn’t have to do all this through bloody texts we might not go round in circles all the time.

  237.  #237Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:13 am

    Men know when they are being jerks. He will likely pull back and upgrade himself. Believe all this is coming from a place inside himself that is screamng to be loved.

  238.  #238Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:14 am

    I don’t know why but his text go right through me. I am scared to say no to him..

  239.  #239Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:17 am

    Rebecca yes. It is easier to practice on men we are not invested in. The tools boost our self esteem and we get a better sense or ourselveas.

  240.  #240Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 5:17 am

    I hope so FW. My feelings are all over the place and I’m confused about the steps to take for fear for doing the wrong thing.

  241.  #241Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Oh, sorry SG, I thought I understood that he was going to let you use the car.

    And you’re right about texting, it can definitely lead to major misundertandings.

    It’s been brought up many times here before.

  242.  #242Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:24 am

    I have anger towards this guy and I know it’s about me, and not about him..

    I feel he is so domineering.. It’s not what he says it’s what he doesn’t say..

    Why do i feel like this around him… Its so frustrating…..

    Sorry I’m spamming the blog..

  243.  #243Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 5:27 am

    242. Rebecca

    Feel free. If I didn’t spam the blog I might have gone insane by now. 🙂

  244.  #244Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Rebecca, sometimes when something about someone bothers us, it’s often because there is something about ourselves that resembles that.

    I’m not saying you’re domineering but it might be something worth exploring.

  245.  #245Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:28 am

    I feel scared… Like I am his prey… Yikes… I feel tight in ny chest. I need to work through these feelings…

  246.  #246Tam on June 19, 2012 at 5:30 am

    @ Heart, do you CD?

    I never like doing it at first and then find it does help. Sometimes. Sometimes it just wears me out and makes me think of MrU more. But when you have a good CD it’s a nice distraction…

    no situation is pointless or hopeless…there’s at least something to be learnt, even if it doesn’t develop. But you never know, life is full of surprises…..I do find that when I give up, they re-appear with full force…men and opportunities. When I hunt things down they disappear over the horizon, so I am going to experimenting not hunting things and people down….

  247.  #247Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Rebecca you “think” he is domineering. The way to go is to question that thought – in Byron Katie style.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:31 am

    Rebecca you “think” he is domineering

  249.  #249Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:32 am

    The way to go Rebecca is to question that “thought” – in Byron Katie style.

  250.  #250Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Rebecca you “think” he is domineering. The way to go is to question that thought – in Byron Katie style.

  251.  #251Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:33 am

    Francesca ~ I think you are spot on. I feel resentful because men who I like aren’t ‘there’ for me, so I feel resentful about being ‘there’ for him… And dealing with all his issues, and helping him, and giving him love and attention and caring for him. That in a nutshell is the story of my life..

    I am always the ‘carer’ the one that cares about everybody. I want somebody to care about me and make me feel like a goddess and all sparkly and alive when I am around them.

    Instead I just end up feeling drained and low..

    If I give into him I will feel angry because no-one gives into me… Gosh does that make me sound childish or what??? Whah whah whah!!!

  252.  #252Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:38 am

    SG – Even his mother says he can’t handle ‘life’.

    If he experiences you this way he is likely to kick back. I believe you have to be different. When he comes toward you again I would tell him I know he is a good man and will do the right thing when he is ready. Also you are there if he wants to talk. There are times when we just have to listen at Level 2 and nod our heads.

  253.  #253Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:40 am

    FW ~ he centres ALL his attention on me and I end up over functioning…

    He is always checking I am okay and offering me advice etc.. I actually really don’t know why he annoys me. I guess I just sense that he is doing all these things for me because he wants something back from me and I feel manipulated.

    At the same time I understand that we are all the same and we all want love and attention.

    I don’t dislike him. He is very nice. And I deperately want him to be happy…

    Lol, I really don’t know why I feel like this – it is so frustrating…

    It’s just he can’t go a sentence without asking me out or hinting at it.

    Hmmm… I think it may be a mirror to my own needs and behaviour.. I am stuck in such a rut of viscious circles…

  254.  #254Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 5:44 am

    241 Francesca – No, no car. That’s the least of my worries now. Yeah, textings a nightmare. That’s why I was sop eager to speak to him on the phone. He wouldn’t have it though, the more I said that the more he felt I was just chasing him and would send me a barrage of nasty texts instead. It’s hopeless.

    249 Femininewoman – I guess so. Thank you. So hard when feeling angry and upset about what he’s done to tell him he’s a good man and I’m here if he needs to talk. It feels like I’m ‘letting him off’ for behaviours that I don’t want from him.

  255.  #255Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Sorry I should add he is a total Alpha Male as well. He has a very strong personality and seems to be ‘right’ about everything.

    He only asks me questions on subjects he is interested in..

    Yaaaa…. I sound like such a horrible person saying all this. He is a nice and polite bloke and is only trying to be friendly towards me. Why am I being so horrible…

    I need to Sink into my feelings and process this…

  256.  #256Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 5:53 am

    SG, I wouldn’t say it’s hopeless.

    I feel that if you both take time to settle down, you’ll get to a place where you are both more opened to really listen to what you both have to say, without judging or snapping at each other.

  257.  #257Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    RE 114 – i just ignore those ‘men believe’ this and that about late nite rules

    I have heard on Reconnect your Relationship Rori advising women not to bring men to their homes on the first date because after that it is too difficult to establish boundaries. I have read her advising not to go their home. I have read on dating sites advice about dating safely.

    I understand it to not be about rules but about loving yourself and taking care of yourself in the way that feels right to an individual. I have never seen advice about throwing caution to the wind when it comes to meeting strangers. I don’t believe that is self loving. Strangers or friends can possibly do the unthinkable so I encourage everyone to tae care of themselves.

  258.  #258Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:00 am

    SG I never said anything about letting him off. When he is opening to talking then you can tell him you don’t want to be spoken to ———-. At that time I believe he will also be open to listening. Remember at that time he will be the one approaching you. His anger will have settled and he will be wondering if yours have settled also.

  259.  #259Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Rebecca I might be wrong but I believe his message might be look at yourself and see how you are pushing away intimacy.

  260.  #260Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 6:06 am

    So after the text about me being the victim and him processing why I have to pick at things all the time. Which I haven’t replied to.

    Do I just lean back now and do nothing. No reply?

    Or send something saying I’m here when he needs to talk?

    I dunno..

  261.  #261Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Starla – I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

    This feels really good reading it. The thought came to mind “and hopefully you will allow everyone else around you to do and be the same”.

  262.  #262Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:10 am

    He is at work right? If so then the timing would definitely be off.

  263.  #263Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:14 am

    The more limited, the more narrowly egoic the view of yourself, the more you will see, focus on, and react to the egoic limitations, the unconsciousness in others. Their faults, or what you perceive as their faults, become to you their identity. This means you will see only the go in them and thus strengthen the ego in yourself. Instead of looking “through” the ego in others, you are looking “at” the ego. Who is looking at the ego? The ego in you. Eckhart Tolle in “Peace in the Present Moment”.

  264.  #264Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 6:14 am

    Ugh I was so forward-leaning and self-depricatingly insecure with KMan last night. That was not the best way to leave things before I go on vacation.

    I felt so off and clingy.

    Today, I’m leaning back. Tomorrow, I’m leaning back…but I really just want to be kissing him and lying in his arms. It’s going to be tough to be present with my vacation, but it would be ridiculous to be all piney over him while I’m gone. I’m going to focus on pouring goodness into my mom’s day while I’m with her and enjoying my friends. Then, I’ll receive goodnight kisses over the phone and let KMan be.

    Still, I can’t wait to come back to him. *sigh* I’m such a girl. 🙂

  265.  #265Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:20 am

    If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than the little me you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus becomne one with it rather than separate yourself from it. Then out of your alertness would come a response. Who you are (consiousness), not who you think you are (a small me), would be responding. It would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation into an enemy. Eckhart Tolle in “Peace in the Present Moment”.

  266.  #266Tam on June 19, 2012 at 6:26 am

    @ FW, that’s beautiful and something to make us ponder….about inner peace. My work is to try and make the inner peace less dependent on other people. I can’t help but feeling elated when people are nice to me and down in the dumps when I feel lonely and like nobody cares, or when people are not so nice. Men and CD also have the power to cheer me up or make me feel bad. I do not want my inner peace to be thrown into turmoil by outside factors, I am really wanting to make it come from the inside. It’s work.

  267.  #267Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 6:32 am

    FW re: fear of intamacy… I just feel like a sad loser who is so desperate for love they will sleep with anybody just to feel good about myself and loved… Hmpf…?? I need to process this…

  268.  #268Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Tam I am reading that book. I remember Rori recommending it somewhere.

  269.  #269Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:33 am

    SG I believe this might help you. I would read the whole thread.

    When you can separate out that anger from the simple truth of who that person is and the reality of what you’re dealing with – and learn to TALK about that with him – in the way we’re all working here – and in the way you did, Daria, in that fabulous Free Therapy date you had in the car – you’ll see that there is no “fuck you” about this. You see yourself becoming activated, and you process it through, and then you work at seeing the man in the light of WHAT IS – the reality of the situation, the basic simplicity of it – rather than through the lens of your triggered anger

    When we make the man about what’s going on with ourselves when we’re triggered – the man becomes a kind of EXTENSION of ourselves.
    And when a man becomes some kind of extension of ourselves, and then the energy of anger kicks in – we become self-centered in a very different way than we’re working toward here.
    This self-centered way is the way of PROTECTION. This is shutting down your heart and going with the easiest feeling, instead of going down inside and finding the REAL feelings.


  270.  #270Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:35 am

    SG this thread might help you if you read the whole thing.

    When we make the man about what’s going on with ourselves when we’re triggered – the man becomes a kind of EXTENSION of ourselves.
    And when a man becomes some kind of extension of ourselves, and then the energy of anger kicks in – we become self-centered in a very different way than we’re working toward here.
    This self-centered way is the way of PROTECTION. This is shutting down your heart and going with the easiest feeling, instead of going down inside and finding the REAL feelings.


  271.  #271Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:36 am

    This one too Slippin Goddess


    Let’s flip that one around to – “It’s very hard to love WITHOUT anger.” In other words, if anger is a human emotion, and it’s a reaction to hurt, pain, disappointment and fear – if it’s a powerful energy that can be used for GOOD in this world – then DENYING it, shoving it aside, deriding it, making it a not-good thing is like cutting off your hand. It makes you less whole. It makes you not whole.
    Loving your anger creates the possibility of loving WHEN angry. This creates the possibility of loving someone ELSE’S anger. This enables a soft blanket of Safety to envelop the relationship.
    So that, instead of seeing your man (or woman’s) anger as “in-the-way-of-love” – you see it as a step TOWARD love.
    The anger itself is golden, is merely a feeling, energy to be embraced and freed and used – the question is – always WHAT TO DO WITH IT…
    And that, Reshi – is your question. What do I do with my anger?
    And the answer is simple – it’s YOUR anger. It belongs to you. You OWN it.
    And if you will allow yourself to experience it – no matter how irrational it seems to you – as RIGHTEOUS – perhaps not in the setting of reality or what’s really going on, but in the setting of your internal workings and triggerings – and honor it anyway…you’ll find new ways to experience it and to talk about it.
    There’s nothing so powerful in a relationship as anger expressed as love. “I SHARE this with you, and I know that it belongs to me, it’s MY feeling, it’s part of MY system, and that because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.

  272.  #272Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 6:41 am

    FW, I just want to say that I really appreciate you, your wisdom and your ability to find posts and articles on any and every topic in order to help others process what’s going on with them. You are quite a gift to this community.

  273.  #273Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:44 am

    “Whenever someone isn’t happy with us, we’re triggered. It’s a big deal. We feel bad, then we get angry, then we try to make sense and talk people out of their opinions and feelings so we can regain our view of ourselves that we’re comfortable with- and the truth is – life is SO much better if we can let all that go.

    I appreciate you all and how much you’re contributing here and to each other – every single time we put ourselves out there, we chance drawing in a negative word and energy – and this is so a part of life for us to learn to accept.

    I saw, on the Huffington Post about a month ago, a letter from Deepak Chopra in response to a slam he’d gotten from some well-known writer in a well-known magazine. I was pretty shocked – not because of anything he said, but because he even BOTHERED to answer this woman publicly.

    Here was Deepak Chopra – DEFENDING himself!

    So – when I saw that, I realized we are, none of us, ever going to get rid of that first bad feeling and impulse to defend ourselves when someone doesn’t like something we’ve done or said. It’s how we notice our reactions, and what we do that determines where we go from there – to another level of accepting ourselves and peace, or back a few steps into letting our Nasty Voice have its way with us.” Love Rori

  274.  #274Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Pamelala thanks. I feel loved and hugged by your comment. You know how they say share what you love? I love reading. And I believe Rori is on to something that needs to be shared with the whole world.

  275.  #275Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Feminine Woman…I also feel so appreciative of you! 🙂

    and you happen to be adding posts for SG…but I feel they are really relevant for me right now…

  276.  #276Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 6:53 am

    ok speaking of triggers…

    ahhhhh….I’m feeling super triggered and could use some feedback…

    so last night at school I took my exit exam…and I was just hoping to pass…well…I got 100%!!!!! it was 200 questions and I seriously could NOT believe it!

    So I texted Rugby Man to share my excitement and good news at 830 pm ….AND I did not hear from him until 630 am when he sent his good morning text….

    this feels weird to me and “off”…I don’t know how to respond…I don’t want to pretend everything is ok…but I know I am going to start my period in 2 days so I might be extra sensitive…

    what would be a good feeling message here????

  277.  #277Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Jilly what did he say?

  278.  #278Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 6:59 am

    I’m feeling shut down and having so many conversations in my head…

    like…ok I leaned forward…I didn’t think I was expecting anything…but I rarely do it…but it makes me not want to AT ALL!!! If I received a text from him like that I would want to respond and share in the excitement…

    awww…I feel sad…and then I feel mad for feeling sad! Like NO f&ck that! I got 100%!!! and I felt excited and happy and if I can’t share that with him…what am I doing???? Yep…I’m definitely hormonal because I’m taking it all the way there…

  279.  #279Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:01 am

    FW he said….

    good morning baby 🙂 congrats on your test, that’s awesome! 🙂 did you do a victory dance? I would’ve 😉

    so he was definitely responding but not til this morning…and that feels weird…even thought I know he is working out in colorado on a fire right now but he is in aviation and they don’t work that late

  280.  #280Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Jilly what did he say? How did he respond?

    Are you feeling shut down because you believe he ignored you?

  281.  #281Tam on June 19, 2012 at 7:05 am

    @ Jilly, I’d have done and felt pretty similar to what you describe. I would have ‘expected’ a reply too…those expectations….if we have to think twice before sharing something that is important to us and makes us happy, with someone we like or even love – what has the world come to?!

  282.  #282Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:06 am

    Ok. Your focus is on the past. You are making your relationship about your need for urgency. Him responding at the time you decided he should. Are you suggesting that you have to control everything? He does not get to choose his actions, even when he is away from you?

    Can you focus on what might be love in his words? Remember whatever you focus on grows.

  283.  #283Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:08 am

    FW…yes I feel ignored and brushed off 🙁

    I realize he could have been very busy…

    I feel confused…is this where I stay with my feelings and express how I feel? Or do I not because I’m the one who leaned forward?

  284.  #284Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Your shut down feelings, the expectations are you navigating yourself and becoming aware. I believe a Mel type feeling message would be the best kind in this situation if you are going to share any. Share what you notice about yourself and own it as your stuff.

  285.  #285Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Awww Jilly,

    I understand how your might feel, but the fires really are bad in CO. I’d imagine that he was exhausted after working all day to get things under control…there were record highs and crazy winds. I don’t mean to minimize what you’re feeling, but you might say,

    “I feel proud of myself and would feel so much joy to be doing a victory dance in your arms.” or some such thing.

    I think it’s important to assume the best unless he shows you otherwise. If he has a pattern of putting you off that’s one thing, but it seems like this was an unusual circumstance. Does that feel true to you?

  286.  #286Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:11 am

    I would say try scripting here Jilly and I would include stuff like “awww I am such a girl”. Remember he is your sweetie and your friend.

  287.  #287Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Tam…yes! if I had just sent a “hey, what’s up?” kinda text (which I NEVER do) then it would feel completely different to me…I still would have felt bad lol but ya….this felt really important and EXCITING!!

  288.  #288Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Feeling ignored and brushed off are feelings from a past event in likely a past relationship that has been triggered.

  289.  #289Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:15 am

    FW..ya that’s what I want to do ….thank you for reminding me that he is my sweetie and my friend 🙂

    Pamelala…thank you…yes I WANT to assume the best…and yes this has not happened before

  290.  #290Tam on June 19, 2012 at 7:17 am

    @Jilly…what I do in those situations, and especially when I am feeling hormonal (I turn to a hyeana), is to write it down. All the feelings. Write it all out, everything. Sleep over it. Look at it the next day, tweak, reduce by 90% (they are men and need simple sentences..) and if you still want to share, then share.
    That is my solution these days, as before when I got angry and sad, I used to throw out the baby with the bath water – so NOT a good idea 😉

  291.  #291Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:17 am

    FW…absolutely!!! this is definitely MY stuff…

    k I’m going to try scripting…

    but first…I really really really appreciate everyone’s support!!!! I feel a little better already!!

  292.  #292Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Jilly you could also have asked him if he had time to join you in a victory dance before sending the text. That way he would have the space to get back to you. You assumed he was available and was working off the same rhythm you were on. If he did not get back then you would know not to expect anything immediately.

  293.  #293Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Just received “Do you want that tonight or what? xx”
    I assume he means the car.

    Feminine woman – I too thank you for the advice and consistent responses you give. You really are amazing and I absorb everything you say. I feel you are helping me along a path in which I may be able to find some light. I thank all the sirens on this blog. I’ve had some great advice and feedback from you all. I have never felt judged even at times when I am judging myself for spamming etc.. That makes me feel happy, welcome and most of all.. safe. I thank you for that. It’s a journey. 🙂

  294.  #294Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Jilly – Sweetheart. Please breathe. Relax. His text was beautiful, lovely. So he didn’t get back to you until this morning. Maybe he wasn’t able. Maybe a lot of things. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It doesn’t mean he’s doesn’t feel proud of you.

    Let those expectations go, and LOVE on what he did give to you which was awesome by the way.


  295.  #295Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 7:26 am

    ((((((203: Slippin’ Goddess))))))

    I feel sad this is happening for you today.
    It sounds like his need to make you happy is just driving him crazy.


  296.  #296Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Slippin’ Goddess – I understand you’ve been through a lot with this man, but I also see a scared woman. And a scared woman has a hard time letting things be, letting go of control. The thing is you don’t really have control over anyone but you.

    How about trusting him? Allowing him to come through in his own way on his timetable.

    How about apologizing for letting loose on him? One word texts are not a negative. In my view texting feels awkward and impersonal anyway.


  297.  #297Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 7:33 am

    216: Slippin’ Goddess

    I feel hopeful for you.
    I wonder if you could say ‘thanks for letting me know how you feel’ if that is true for you in any way.
    When you asked about the car, I wonder if he felt that you didn’t trust that he would do what he said he would – is that what he means by ‘jump all the time’?

  298.  #298Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:34 am

    291. Love Actually – I know. I wish I was an expert on all of this so I could react properly at the time instead of reacting and then asking for advice. Oops. I need to just try and ‘be’. Relax. I’m learning. 🙂 xx

    292. Dominique – Yes, I can relate to that, I guess you’re right Dominique. I’m not perfect and I need to work on me too.
    It’s all a learning journey. Thank you 🙂 xx

  299.  #299Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:36 am


    That might possibly be what he means.
    I guess what he tells me he is going to do and what he puts on social networking sites are completely different and that’s what confuses me.
    I think he puts things to impress others.
    He probably means instead of jumping to conclusions then trust him to do as he says.

  300.  #300Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 7:37 am

    228: Slippin’ Goddess

    I notice this same trait in SR, he tries to please everyone and even me – he will promise to do things that are way beyond the scope of time and energy that he has and then disappoint people, feel guilty about it and then lashes out. Uggg!

    I feel so sad about this. I wish I knew what to say to make it better for them. So they could find a way to have strong boundaries too. I feel much safer with a man who has strong boundaries. I want to trust when they say they are going to do something that they are not depleting themselves (hah! this is exactly what I need to learn to do better)

  301.  #301Iamabutterfly on June 19, 2012 at 7:38 am

    I was feeling really down on myself yesterday, as may be evidenced in yesterday’s posts. I made the decision to try to be happy. I decided to help with a project I feel passionate about at my Alma Mater last night.

    It felt so good to be seen and heard, in a situation where I felt exposed and vulnerable at first. I was feeling happy and talkative by the middle of our hour of work, and made eye contact and smiled with the guy working for a different organization next to us.

    He totally responded and came closer to me and looked into my eyes and we small-talked. Even though nothing happened, it felt so good to be noticed.

    It felt especially good since another teenie tiny college girl (I’m volumptious. Not fat, just curvy…) was all leaning forward with him. I could tell he liked the attention from her, but the way he responded to me was completely different, in a good way, and it felt so good when I had been feeling sad and angry with myself earlier in the day…

  302.  #302Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 7:39 am

    FW…that is brilliant 🙂 I will remember that…next time I will ask 🙂 that feels good to read

    Dominique…awww…yes his response this morning was really supportive…ok…I’m breathing and sinking in…letting go…I guess I do equate no response with not caring…

  303.  #303Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:40 am

    What strikes me is he is really emotional lately. He’s even telling me he feels fragile, stressed and broken.
    He’s cried and he has been willing to talk more, although letting his anger out at me as well.

    I guess the tools are working. Hopefully good will eventually come from this.

  304.  #304Arrowofthyme on June 19, 2012 at 7:40 am

    @tam 285: that’s what I’ve been doing too! I told my therapist I’m not sure how I’m going to do relationships in real time -because while I’m sorting out my feelings and practicing not being reactive it seems like I can’t say anything right away. Because otherwise I would always just be saying “I feel anxious”.

  305.  #305Arrowofthyme on June 19, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Feminine woman: these quotes you leave here are gold. I copy and paste so many of them into my phone for emergencies.

  306.  #306CurvySiren10 on June 19, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Jilly, congrats on such a stellar test score! You are amazing…and I agree with the others on just sorta letting go on this one. His response was sweet and warm~ just not when you “expected” it to arrive.

    SG, social media is really NOT good for relationships! Your story is a perfect example of why. Consider pulling away from “watching” his fb and twitter and reading in to everything he says there, and let your communication with him be private, one-on-one. I refuse to get sucked in to that vortex in my relationship and I think it’s a very healthy choice.

  307.  #307Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Slippin’ – May I suggest you get out of his head, NOW. You will never know really what’s going on in there, and likely it won’t make much sense even if you could be in there.

    Please put your focus back on you., what would make you feel better, what would further your healing.

    He’s going to do what he’s going to do, and the only way this will change to ways you prefer, IF this will change, is if you accept him and love him just as he RIGHT NOW.


  308.  #308Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:46 am

    296: Love Actually

    I notice this same trait in SR, he tries to please everyone and even me – he will promise to do things that are way beyond the scope of time and energy that he has and then disappoint people, feel guilty about it and then lashes out. Uggg!

    This is exactly him!! He actually text yesterday to say that his daughter had asked could we go to Disney in the US next year and what did I think. I felt scared. We have A LOT on next year if we sort things out and still aren’t on our feet with money.
    I didn’t in no way want to say no but I felt scared about his usual sense of urgency and him making more promises and it eventually bringing more stress for everyone, mostly himself.

    I replied “It would feel better if you didn’t make any big promises to (ex) just yet, It’s something to discuss :)”

    He replied “I haven’t made any big promises, don’t worry :)”

    I am learning. Usually I might have let loose about him making more plans and creating more stress etc. I didn’t. I just sent a feeling message and it seemed fine.

  309.  #309Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 7:50 am

    SG – sounds like you’re learning! Good job with the FM. 🙂

  310.  #310Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 7:50 am

    261: Femininewoman

    I feel weepy reading this.
    I feel sooooooo challenged by this.

    When I try to ‘accept’ I think I get it confused with ‘accepting’ the behavior rather than the situation in the moment and I end up overloading myself and then I get reactive. sigh.

    Thanks for posting this FW

  311.  #311Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 7:51 am

    303: Dominique

    Thank you. You’re right! It feels good to be told and given advice as I’m sure without knowledge we can all do things that can be destructive to ourselves/relationships.

  312.  #312Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Slippin’ – It’s all part of growing. We don’t know until we do. And then little by little we incorporate what we learn. And life and love change in some wonderful ways.


  313.  #313Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 8:04 am

    You know, I didn’t realise I would be posting so long on this blog. I have posted a few times before but then just made up with him and carried on in that cycle. Argue, make up, argue, make up, every so often. Just ignoring the issues that were underneath and not really resolving anything.

    I think through using the tools and taking on the advice given on the blog this time, I am actually digging down deep and working through a lot of issues in both the relationship and myself. It feels tough but worthwhile. I’m hopeful. This is such a learning curve.

  314.  #314Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 8:06 am

    FW re 210

    I know. And that is because so far he is keeping to his end of the bargain, as far as I know…

    I had already decided that I won’t keep seeing him if he doesn’t keep up the appointments, or at least nt exclusively.

    But, 3 weeks ago was when he went to his first one. Then the therapist cancelled an appointment because it fell on an extra holiday day (The Queen’s Jubilee) here in the UK. Then he got the time wrong and missed the appointment last week but was still saying he is planning to keep going.

    So what would you have suggested I do differently? I intend to only continue exclusivity if he is in therapy. But I have been unsure whether he is or not.

    I suppose today is the clincher anyway.

    If he doesn’t go today I will end exlusivity with him, and start dating others again.

    I am feeling super antsy and nervous right now.

    I feel very tense.

  315.  #315Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 8:08 am

    It’s a lifelong process Slippin’ Goddess, and it’s SO worth it. It’s a beautiful journey which does get easier as you go/grow.

    How about changing your name to Simply Goddess? Calling yourself Slippin’ may perpetuate this.


  316.  #316Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 8:12 am

    FW re 210

    May I ask how you would be handling this situation?


  317.  #317Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Slippin Goddess I love that name Dominique is suggesting. I asked you twice about the name but you never seemed to have responded. I believe it is time for you to review that.

  318.  #318Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Name change 🙂

  319.  #319Arrowofthyme on June 19, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Dominique: ” a scared woman has a hard time letting things be, letting go of control.” Ive just been staring at that line and saying it outloud. Ive been raised to feel scared. It feels like this whole journey of healing has been to emerge from that little space, in my love life and my career. I love this blog.

    Ps: rori’s newsletter today is amazing.

  320.  #320Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Dancing Siren the way I see it is that you keep saying you feel loved and all these wonderful things but you are not convinced, neither have you convinced me that he is good enough for you. Maybe it is because somewhere deep down you are judging yourself for something that you have not identified and come to terms with but it just seems to me like you are constantly trying to change him.

  321.  #321Owlette on June 19, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Ok I had to change my name from arrowoftime. It’s too phallic. A baby owl feels better.

  322.  #322Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Dancing Siren I would like at myself in the mirror and ask myself what do I want? Why am I there? Do I want to deeply surrender or do I want to keep squirming?

    I really believe if he turned around and asked you to marry him, you might say yes. But in a few days you would go in a tailspin of panic. I really believe you are still protecting your heart so in Gay Hendricks style you might need to take The Big Leap. Otherwise your programming will always come up with something.

  323.  #323Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:22 am

    “I would look at myself in the mirror”.

  324.  #324Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Dancing Siren,
    I think we often get into trouble when we set boundaries based on the actions of others that we are unable to verify without checking up on them. By saying you will end exclusivity if he stops counseling, you rely on his telling you that he has gone and set yourself up to police him. What if, instead, you set the boundary based on how you feel (trusting, safe, cared for) or on behaviors you can see (this would vary based on what you are needing from him). It feels better to me to not require him to self-report his ‘transgressions’ in order for me to make decisions about how my future will look – what do you think?

  325.  #325Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 8:23 am

    I am now.. Simply.. a Goddess 😉

  326.  #326Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I’ve changed to Simply Goddess but it is in moderation.
    I am now Simply.. a Goddess 😉

  327.  #327Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Yayyy SG. It will be out soon.

  328.  #328Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 8:28 am

    293: Slippin’ Goddess

    I feel sad that I mostly don’t get this stuff ‘right’ too.
    AND am learning to have grace with myself.
    AND, sometimes, feeling grateful to SR for giving me soooooo many opportunities to learn and grow.


  329.  #329Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I wonder if a scared woman can really receive the fullness of what her man is offering her. I feel certain that the answer is no. Hmmm something for me to ponder while I’m away from K.

  330.  #330Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 8:32 am

    303: Slippin’ Goddess
    (((((((Slippin’ Goddess’s Man)))))

  331.  #331Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 8:36 am

    318: Slippin’ Goddess

    I feel inspired and warm and smiley!

  332.  #332Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:41 am

    RE 314 Me too arrowoftheyme. Thank you Dominique for phrasing it that way. It seems to hit my psyche differently than just saying I feel fear or fearful.

  333.  #333Heart on June 19, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Tam – I just simply date….yes it’s good to go out and meet men.

  334.  #334Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 8:47 am

    The Way To Keep A Man Is To Let Go Of Him

    All this is completely different from letting HIM go! Letting go of a man is really all about letting YOURSELF go.

    Think of it this way: You are letting go without even considering what HE’S doing. You are refusing to hold on to anything about this man.

    Yes – this is going to feel almost completely the opposite of everything you’ve been taught and told. But I know if you try it you’ll feel better, and you’ll get so much better results with a man.

    So, let’s get started with the HOW TO of this – let’s start with a short list of what holding ONTO a man looks like:

    You think about him, even when you’re doing something or are somewhere where there are other things to look at and think about
    You go from thinking about him to wanting him – like you would a glorious piece of chocolate fudge brownie
    You analyze every move he makes and everything he says, and every move you make and everything you say
    You initiate contact – calling him, leaning in for a kiss, hugging him, sending emails, texts, cards…
    You worry about everything you do and say and everything that happens out of fear it will push him away
    There are a bunch more – very subtle things, too – but for now take a look and see if you’re doing any of this.

    Spend today noticing if you’re doing any of the things on this list – just notice, and make a list of what you notice, when you notice it, what’s happening. See if you can find a pattern and write that down, too.

    Next, we’ll work with how to get out of this awful pattern…

    The truth is, when we’re holding onto a man, it’s we who are stopped cold. It’s like he’s dragging us along wherever he goes. In my Commitment Blueprint program, I explain why this is how we’ll follow a man off our own Bridge to our Happy Ever After.

    We’ll follow him even into the pits, because that’s what we’ve all been trained and taught to do our whole lives. Blueprint teaches you how to STAY on your own Bridge, and simply keep going no matter WHAT he does:

    Make Him Come Close Again
    So it’s not a matter of watching him go off somewhere when he withdraws. It’s not about LETTING him go, it’s about letting go of something – anything – that’s “moving away” from you…

    …so you can go in your OWN direction!

    …so you can keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself!

    And what happens when you do that? All of a sudden a man turns around and has to be with you! All of a sudden you completely lose that aura of clinginess and desperation…and you look CONFIDENT!

    And that changes everything.

    So, I Want You To:
    Imagine that at this moment, you’re holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.

    What does that feel like? Really imagine it (keep your eyes open!) in every sensual detail: what it feels like to feel your whole body locked into trying to hold onto him.

    Notice how your whole body is almost in “survival mode” trying to keep him from moving away. Notice how you’re trying to keep him doing what you want – almost as if he’s a doll, or a puppet that is not obeying you.

    Feel the confusion you feel – the total exasperation of NOT KNOWING why he’s moving away from you emotionally – and just wanting to DO ANYTHING to makes him stand still and LISTEN to you.
    Now, just open your hands. Let go. Now…
    Turn around.
    Focus on something else in front of you.

    Practice this Tool several times a day and especially when you’re feeling that desperate need to hold onto him.

    For now, every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try the Tool I explained above. Just open your hands, turn around, and focus on something in front of you.

    And let me know what happens.

    Love, Rori

  335.  #335Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 8:51 am

    FW re 314 / 315

    That is some deep stuff.

    I am going to need to let it sink in.

    The reason I am there is cus when it is just me and him… and I am not thinking about anything else… it feels good.

    Really good.

    I am not 100% convinced he is good enough for me.

    I still feel judgemental of him in some ways. I feel very weird, and judgemental that in the past he took some very scary drugs… and I don’t want anything to do with that.

    I feel scared to give myself to someone who could do that to their body….

    And I feel judgemental sometimes of his ill health 🙁 (and I feel judgemental of me for feeling like this too!) because I can’t help linking this in my head with the drugs and general lack of care for his health…

    And on the other hand, I myself have taken some pretty scary drugs in the past.



    Regarding the big leap thing. I kinda get what you are saying… but do not really. Do you mean a leap of trusting and assuming he is good for me or something else?

    Thanks for your help and input with my stuff.

  336.  #336Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 8:56 am

    “Imagine that at this moment, you’re holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.”

    I feel anxious and nauseous and closed up in my throat and tingly in my arms and heavy in my shoulders and soooo tight in my jaw.

    I feel sad that I told him he ought to go into detox – uggg! He knows what he needs and I totally slammed him. If he thinks he needs to go into a retreat then yayy for him, he is thinking about doing something different for himself.

    “Now, just open your hands. Let go. Now…
    Turn around.
    Focus on something else in front of you.”

    I feel even sadder, I feel afraid.
    I feel love for him and myself.
    My jaw feels really really weird and jittery.
    My eyes feel teary and hot.
    I feel tired and lethargic.

  337.  #337Emerson on June 19, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Wow so many good comment this morning….feels helpful to me. I’m thinking I did the right thing by ending contact with recycled but I just feel weird and guilty and maybe angry too. I do think it’s best if he is off my radar for now because there is so much negative baggage between us.

  338.  #338Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 8:56 am

    CurvySiren10…awww…thank you so much 🙂 you’re the best!


    Rugby Man just called!!! 🙂

    He said he tried calling last night (which I wondered about because my phone kept shutting off) but he said it rang and went to voice mail (it didn’t show that he called) and then he figured I was sleeping and then he fell asleep.

    I expressed that when I didn’t hear from him that I have lots of thoughts and feelings, and that I know it’s MY stuff and I start to feel anxious and worried…and that I’m just a girl with lot’s of feelings. 🙂

    He chuckled and was like “awww…babe…I’m sorry…I don’t want to worry you”, “I’ll do better”. I’m hoping I can get back to you soon and see you.

    which totally melts my heart…now I feel bad for second guessing him and being mad at him…he is the best man I have ever been with!!

  339.  #339Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Ugggg! Now I feel like calling SR to apologize for saying he should go into detox – I feel mean.

    He didn’t call back yesterday and I feel worried. I wasn’t very nice to him. I felt so angry and judgmental.

    I’m scared to call. What if he doesn’t answer. What if he does but is cold. What if, what if, what if…

    I don’t want to feel even worse.

    What do you Sirens think?

  340.  #340Starla on June 19, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Jilly, bless Rugby guy for helping us out here. The fire is just terrible.


  341.  #341Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

    #318 – Oh YAY!!! Good for you Simply Goddess.


  342.  #342Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Love Actually – It’s a process, and one this is an ongoing one. Patience and gentleness with yourself goes very far. We all falter, take missteps, so what. You forgive yourself, pick yourself back up and keep going.

    A good man won’t leave you for being human.


  343.  #343Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 9:11 am


    I LOVE that!

    Now I just need to figure out exactly what that would look like.

    Thank you. That feels so freeing.

    I knew there was a problem with my boundary… and now that has just brought into the light exactly what it is.

    Ok, so basically I am pretty happy with all his behaviours around me…

    So what would the boundary be?

    Maybe what I am really feeling is just a whole load of fear??

    Ok, the only thing that sometimes feels icky that I can see, is when he sometimes doesn’t contact me one night… but that is only cus my mind goes to ‘he must be drinking’

    And the only other one, is I feel weird when I see him looking ill…

    I feel weird and scared.

    And some of it might be cus I wonder again if it is to do with drinking. Or, I feel judgemental of him for not taking good care of his health.

    But. I feel unsafe.

    When I see him looking ill.

    But I get all confused and scrambled up here, because actually how can I blame him for being ill?

    Ok, it probably triggers me cus I watched my Stepdad’s (I consider him my Dad!) health deteriate until he eventually died, so ill health is probably extra triggering to me.

    But I wonder how I would look after myself when I feel unsafe in this way.

    Sirens I feel excited about this…

    Can you help me figure out how to do this?

    Thanks again Pamelala

  344.  #344Starla on June 19, 2012 at 9:12 am

    “Starla – I will shrink for NO ONE. I will be big and bold and do me to the fullest extent.

    This feels really good reading it. The thought came to mind “and hopefully you will allow everyone else around you to do and be the same”.”

    This is a lovely addendum:)

  345.  #345Heart on June 19, 2012 at 9:13 am

    #326 – awesome FW …thanks 🙂

  346.  #346Dancing Siren on June 19, 2012 at 9:14 am


    He just called me.

    He went to the session.

  347.  #347Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:15 am

    334: Dominique

    Yes, thanks!

    I feel relief and weepy. I end up feeling wayyyy more compassion for him than myself, in between being angry with him. Sigh.

    He is such a good man in his heart and soul and he can’t be there for me because he isn’t even able to be there for himself…:(

  348.  #348Starla on June 19, 2012 at 9:15 am

    The universe always delivers:) I want to get a car for myself but don’t currently have one, making getting around to dealerships very hard. But my friend needs someone to take her to the airport (parking is rly expensive) and pick her up, so she asked if I could please take her in her car and pick her up, and in return, I can drive her car around for 8 days:D

    She thinks I’M doing her the favor. hehehe. <3 Oh life feels good and juicy and abundant.

  349.  #349CurvySiren10 on June 19, 2012 at 9:15 am

    317 Pamelala- that is a brilliant post.

  350.  #350Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 9:20 am

    327: Femininewoman says:

    The Way To Keep A Man Is To Let Go Of Him

    I can relate to that right now FW.
    It’s true that it feels so natural to do the opposite. Unfortunately.

  351.  #351Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I’m really feeling that urge to text today. Please throw some support my way and keep me from making an a$$ out of myself.

  352.  #352Jilly on June 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Starla…yay!!! I know I thought of you when he said he had to go to Colorado…I was like in my head “oh that’s where Starla lives” …kinda random 🙂

    I know…I’ve been keeping up with the news and that is a terrible fire out there. I would have probably been working on it if I had stayed in the fire business. It’s already shaping up to be a big fire season :/

    I love hearing how you are “upgrading” to sirens sleep wear…I feel inspired!!

  353.  #353Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

    330: Jilly

    I feel so hopeful and inspired reading about your experiences and how you handled this situation.

    learning new ways to respond to my NVs.

    Thanks for sharing it. 🙂

  354.  #354CurvySiren10 on June 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Sassy, please don’t text him. You will feel like crap if you do it. SO not worth it. Do anything you can to keep your focus on your sireny self. Post here, spam the board if you have to….

  355.  #355Starla on June 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

    DON’T DO ITTTTTT hehehehe

    I’m on day 10 No Contact. I feel the urge too. I don’t even think we’d be “making an ass out of” ourselves if we contacted them. We’d just be holding ourselves back from moving on to something better that we truly deserve.

    I understand and accept that it will take time, maybe even a few months, for it to feel natural. But I’ve spent months or even years in unfulfilling relationships, so a few months is really no biggie in the long run.

  356.  #356Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 9:32 am

    He asked if I wanted the car.
    I pondered for 2 hours but then replied Yes, if you dont mind, thanks.
    So I guess he’ll be bringing it down tonight.

    I don’t know what to think of this though. I still feel angry at the way he acted. I feel angry at him deleting me from facebook etc. I feel nervous and tense. Like I’m letting him off somehow. I feel I should be punishing him for his actions and he’ll think he’s ‘got away’ with treating me like that. I know somehow I’m not thinking siren like.

    I don’t know.

  357.  #357Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:34 am

    I feel such a sense of urgency all the time, like I have to ‘fix’ things rather than just trusting that it will all be what it is meant to be…

    I have always been such a ‘planner’ to the nth degree. I do this in order to feel safe. This kind of kicked in even more after my marriage ended and I had to fend for myself and my son…the man that was supposed to be there with and for us wasn’t.

    When I think about surrendering to a man, to the universe, I feel terrified. What if he chooses wrong? What if I can’t handle what happens? What if it would have worked out better if someone had listened to me and what I thought?

    Whoa! I think I don’t even trust myself enough to listen to myself maybe…I wonder if that is why I feel unheard ALOT.

  358.  #358Starla on June 19, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Jilly, I am praying for rain every day, and now with the added bonus of him coming back to you sooner:)

  359.  #359Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

    If I get better and better at listening to myself, my feelings and more and more comfortable sharing in the moment – without the sense of urgency for an outcome…that would feel better, then I wouldn’t be relying on other people to ‘hear’ me…THAT WOULD FEEL SOOOO GOOD.

  360.  #360Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

    352: Love Actually

    I feel the same LA xx

  361.  #361Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Awwww, my triggers and need to control are just trying to protect me.

    I CAN feel compassion for this…
    This feels sooooo good, I am just trying to protect myself.

    I can thank these reactions and let them know that I don’t need their protection, that I will be alright no matter what…

    I feel tenderness towards myself thinking of it this way.

  362.  #362Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Love Actually – He can’t choose wrong. You may not like what he chooses, but it’s his choice. And of course you can handle what come up. It wouldn’t show up if you couldn’t.

    No more what ifs. Take things as they come When you plan for what if, you waste a whole lot of time in something which likely won’t arise anyway. If it does, you deal with it then and TRUST you have the tools to do so.


  363.  #363Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:40 am

    352: Slippin’ Goddess


  364.  #364Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:43 am

    354: Dominique

    I know this AND I keep forgetting. 🙂

    Its funny I feel so much more at peace in this regard with my son than I do with SR.

    not sure what that’s about…

    maybe I have a better sense that my sons job is to be building his own life and moving away from me and I want so badly for SR to be moving towards me…

  365.  #365Namaste on June 19, 2012 at 9:43 am

    As usual, your post is eerily relevant for what I’m experiencing right now! It’s extremely helpful to think of my triggers as being the things that I am not happy with within myself. This is something I think I’d realized… I often tell my partner that I don’t need him commenting on or critiquing things about me that I already am bothered by and trying to deal with… but that’s because they are particularly sensitive issues.

    This happened just last night, as we discussed the possibilities of who might officiate our wedding ceremony. My parents were completely anti-religion, and I was raised to find religion offensive and distasteful. I have since developed a sense of God and spirituality, but still retain a strong aversion to anything organized. When my fiancee (apparently jokingly) said we could have an imam officiate (his family is Muslim) I was very badly triggered. It provoked my worst fears about a wedding ceremony that would involve an officiator talking about things I didn’t believe in, and being asked to take vows I didn’t believe in. This is, of course, unfounded. Everything we’ve decided, we’ve chosen together, and my fears are based something I am struggling with, not in anything that is really likely to happen.

  366.  #366Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 9:44 am

    He replied

    “Okey Dokey, well I finish at 12. Should be at yours for about quarter to, make sure you have your stuff ready fcuk arse xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :-)”

    What the bloody hell.. He’s soon cheered up.. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

  367.  #367Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Dancing Siren – You cannot control his actions. So try to find trust within you, trust that he will do what he needs to. If he continues to abuse himself, you always have the choice at any time to say enough is enough and move on.

    And you do your best to go off and take care of you. You do your best to take your focus off of him and put it back on you.


  368.  #368Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:47 am

    357: Slippin’ Goddess

    Sending you lots of peaceful sireny vibes (which I never have in these moments, LOL) for when he delivers the car to you.


  369.  #369Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Thank you Curvy Siren and Starla. I have tears welling up that you both responded so quickly and lovingly. I really really hate this! I don’t want to think about him, I don’t want to feel any feelings for him any more. He doesn’t deserve to have any power over me whatsoever.
    And btw, you both wanted to know what he texted me that was so cruel and disrespectful, well here it is…
    I asked him how his mom felt and he didn’t answer. So I said “really JT”, he said “wat”, and I said “I can’t even ask about your mom? ” His freaking response to me was “u almost got sent a video of someone sucking my d$$k”
    WHAT, are you nuts!!! I’m still in shock about it and hurt and confused. And that is why I’ve ended it. As I expressed before, I don’t know if that was his way of being intentionally cruel so that I would get out of his life for good, or if it was just incredibly immature. Both, apparently. And guess what-it worked! So why would I want to text him? Because I need to know why he got so cruel and why he stopped communicating with me prior to that. It was so unexpected because we were getting along just fine or so I thought. I guess I was wrong!

  370.  #370Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Simply Goddess – Men tend to not hold onto things like we women tend to. You can a knock down, drag our fight, and five minutes later he’s over it. It’s done; it’s behind you; next…

    Whereas as we can feel bruised and swollen for hours after, tentative, hesitant, fearful.

    I love this quality men have. We could learn from them here.


  371.  #371Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Dancing Siren I agree with Dominique, I was just about to write something similar. I would only add that the girl who got scared around Stepdad’s illness also need to be taken care of. I am wondering if you blamed him or God for his dying. Also have you asked for forgiveness? Have you forgiven yourself? Have you forgiven them?

  372.  #372Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

    361: Dominique

    I didn’t realize this…I always thought he didn’t care…

  373.  #373Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 9:54 am


    What a day! Oh my gosh, you’ve been through it. I don’t have a lot to offer except to say that his removing your from FB and Twitter etc. might be a blessing in disguise.

    As the man, his job is provide strength in your relationship. He has pulled the plug on a situation that is causing pain to both of you. My guess is that he doesn’t feel free to express himself due to worrying about your response and you are interpretting his posts rather than truly communicating with him (no judgement here, I’ve done the same thing…it’s so easy to get caught up in). He is protecting you from yourself and setting up a boundary for what he wants in his life. Men get to have boundaries and preferences too (is that unsireny to say?).

    Might you get to a point where you can say, “I feel respect for your decision to remove me from your social media. At first, I felt pain and sadness, but now I feel understanding and protected. I want to communicate with you on an intimate level and social media isn’t a great place to do that.”

    Maybe you don’t feel that way…in which case, you shouldn’t say that. I hope you don’t mind my reframes of what’s going on with you.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m just butting in to people’s processes when I offer my thoughts. I feel fearful that my ideas aren’t helpful or won’t be received in the spirit in which they are offered. I feel happy that I was able to help Dancing Siren, but I also feel like maybe others will think I’m being a know-it-all…even though I don’t feel that way myself. I feel desirous of being helpful and giving back to this community with a heart of care and support..

  374.  #374Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 9:55 am


  375.  #375Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Pamelala I love having you here and I loved your response to Dancing Siren. I missed you when you were absent.

  376.  #376Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

    360: Love Actually – Thank you.
    Lord.. (or should I say, Sirens) give me strength ..haha.
    I feel resentment building and tension. He’s deleted me from all his sites, his own girlfriend! Argh. ..and said it was over, about 20 times really quite viscously. Wouldn’t even respect me enough to speak on the phone. Said some quite horrible things. Now he’s being nice as though nothing has happened. ..and so am I in a way. Yet this is what I want, to get along. It isn’t tit for tat. But I can’t help but feel I’ve ‘let him off easy’. There’s advice to be given to me here somewhere I’m sure.

    362: Dominique

    Lucky men. Haha. It’s seems one extreme to the other.

  377.  #377Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 10:00 am

    I just happened to come across the movie ‘Gigi’ and Maurice Chevalier is singing ‘Thank Heaven for Little Girls’ and I am sobbing.

    This movie and song makes me think of my dad…

    There was a time when he outright ignored me, for a number of years…
    There was a time when he treated me like I was the most important person in the world…but it always stopped unless I agreed with him and/or did what he wanted

    I have had such a love/hate relationship with him over the years and now he is losing his mind – quickly – to dementia and I am so sad.


    I think I have had such resistance to being feminine around men because he demanded that I agree with him…

    I remember my ex-husband saying something like he wished he could see my softer side…I feel so so sad about this too…

    I feel like I need to apologize to my ex…he is still to this day so hateful and nasty. I have tried so hard to stay on the ‘high road’ with this too…

    Sometimes I just want someone to love me, ok, a man to love me, even though when I’m not taking the high road…sigh.

    I guess I need to love myself more and more and more when I don’t take the high road so to speak.

    I am just human, sometimes I fall down too.

    OMG I hold myself and everyone around me to ridiculously high standards.

    I feel so so sad
    I feel like my chest is going to bust right open and a flood is going to come out

    I was starting to really learn to be much more compassionate with myself before i met SR and then I got triggered right back into it…

    I want to feel glad this happened as in the end the learning will be much wider and deeper than I could have done on my own.

    ((((((damn triggers))))))

  378.  #378Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Thanks, ((FW))!

    You all are keeping me on track today. I feel like sending a sulty text to K just to check in and be sure that he’s thinking about me and I just KNOW that that will make me look and feel super clingy.

    I’m forcing myself to lean back so far I might tip over, but I”m hoping to hear his sweet voice on the phone later today. Until them, I’m letting go….breath.

  379.  #379Ifeoma iyke-edoga on June 19, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Thank you so much for ur posts and advice. I’ve found your posts very helpful in my marriage. I’ve been married for 8yrs now and it’s been like living in hell fire. I’ve been abused all through my years with my hubby and to even think he’s a gift to me and how I can’t succeed without him. The fear of living and taking care of my three girls alone has kept me in bondage in my marital home. I couldn’t make the decision of living without him cos of my financial status until I read some of your posts and advice,I’ve moved on now with my three girls,rented an apartment and focused on my business. He couldnt believe it and he’s been very uncomfortable about the latest development. Just today,his mom called my mom to beg for forgiveness. He’s been calling too but I’m too focused to be distracted. Thanks so much!

  380.  #380Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:07 am

    RE 350 – I feel terrified too Love Actually. Yesterday one CD kept calling and telling me about his feelings, the physical reaction he has to me etc that I felt like running away. He has been around for a while, disqualified himself because he felt his status his lower than, went to a relationship that did not work and is now back. He upgraded his financial status and just keep coming at me because he sees me as safe and loyal. It feels terrifying to have someone adoring and cherishing me so much.

  381.  #381Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 10:07 am

    365: Pamelala

    I know Pamelala, what a day, right?
    Thank you for your advice. In no way does it seem judgemental or know it all-ish.. So do not worry about that. Everything helps. 🙂

    I completely understand what you mean. It was causing issues and as you say may be a blessing in disguise.

    However, right now, it doesn’t feel nice to be taken off his social media. He has a lot of girls on there he doesn’t even know so it feels awful to think they are viewing things I can’t even see. It makes me feel detached. It’s horrible and I cannot see myself being in a relationship with someone who is on facebook/twitter etc and yet has blocked me as their girlfriend so I cannot see anything. I wish I could honestly but it just seems so wrong to me. Like a punishment. It will cause more problems me not knowing what is happening on there. In the past he has added girls, messaged girls etc. I just cant live with that. Unsiren like or not. Just being honest. ‘sigh’.

  382.  #382Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Slippin Goddess some time ago you wrote that he said you had broken him or soemthing to that effect. Read it back as him telling you that you have all the power. He is acting childish with deleting/blocking fb etc because he is like a scared kid throwing temper tantrums. Maybe because your grip has been too tight?

  383.  #383Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Yay (((((((((Jilly/Rugby Man)))))))))

  384.  #384Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Yes, he’s feeling fragile and I’d broken him.
    Maybe it is too tight.
    However, he was the one only yesterday throwing a tantrum again about trust and people on facebook and how I should get a new account. I said I would. No drama and he should too.
    Yet today he just deletes me. I feel angry at him still.

  385.  #385Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 10:15 am

    370: Femininewoman

    I feel such relief to hear that you feel terrified too.
    Not that I want you to feel this way, just that you seem so wise and to read about your vulnerability makes me feel safer and hopeful I can grow in wisdom ALL WHILE BEING TERRIFIED. 🙂


  386.  #386CurvySiren10 on June 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Sassy, what a completely disrespectful thing for a man to text to a woman who loves him. Wow- I can see why this ended it for you. This just doesn’t sound like a man who has earned the love and devotion of a woman like you. I KNOW how hard it is to disconnect when you have these feelings, but at this point you have to respect YOURSELF enough to just do it.

    Stay in the NC zone. There are other Sirens here who are doing the same thing. It’s hard…but it’s way harder when we don’t love ourselves enough to move on to something better, healthier.

    I know you can do this. I know you really do deserve better than this. It’s time for you to know it too. (and for the record, I think you DO know it, but it’s very hard to let go…)

    Have you looked at the Baggage Reclaim site at all??

  387.  #387Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 10:19 am

    364: Pamelala

    I really got a lot of learning from your re-framing too, even though it wasn’t meant for me specifically.

    It is SO helpful to see things from a different perspective in order to start shifting my own perspective, which just brings me misery.


  388.  #388Starla on June 19, 2012 at 10:19 am

    omg sassy, thank you for being brave and sharing what he said.
    what a loser
    delete his number, delete his email from your contacts, etc., everything you can do to remove temptation to talk to him.

  389.  #389Gemini on June 19, 2012 at 10:19 am

    “For now, every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try the Tool I explained above. Just open your hands, turn around, and focus on something in front of you.”

    Yes! Hey..hey..you..you, get out of my head!! lol

    hugs sirens 🙂

  390.  #390Starla on June 19, 2012 at 10:21 am

    love to me love to me forgiveness to me forgiveness to me love to me love to me forgiveness to me

  391.  #391Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Starla @340

    Yay! 🙂

  392.  #392Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Sassy I have done the delete thing myself. If you contact him after that he might think “what is wrong with her”. He will respect you more for not accepting that kind of treatment. If he comes back, he should be crawling/begging before you consider him.

  393.  #393Rori Raye on June 19, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Ifeoma – BRAVA to YOU!!!!! We all hug you, and support you and KNOW you deserve peace and happiness. You are strong and powerful! Love, Rori

  394.  #394Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 10:27 am

    361: (((((((((( Sassy ))))))))))
    Hugs and strength to you, that’s awful. xx

  395.  #395Rori Raye on June 19, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Namaste – Welcome, and thank you for your powerful story and great personal insights that help us all…Love, Rori

  396.  #396Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
    His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
    Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

  397.  #397Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
    His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
    Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

  398.  #398Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Curvy Siren-thank you. Yes I am doing whatever it takes to let it go. And yes, the baggage reclaim site has become my go-to spot right along with this blog. I think I posted yesterday or the day before that JT is THE poster child for being an a$$clown and an emotionally unavailable man.
    His hatred for himself runs so deep. If course I wanted to save him and fix him, hah! That can never happen. He has every addiction imaginable, a very very broken soul. But that’s no longer mine to worry about.
    Starla, Yes I had deleted all contact info and FB. Unfortunately his number is burned into my brain. Not that I will ever text him, but I have a feeling sooner or later he will text me. He will never believe he did anything wrong.

  399.  #399Rori Raye on June 19, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Feminine – Thank you for this – great image and clarity….Love, Rori

  400.  #400Heart on June 19, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I’m taking a little trip a few days after I remove the internet from the phone…I’m feeling excited.

    Also – I put up a little picture of a cafe close to the place I used to work at with Manboy on FB. I felt good about doing that…It felt like giving but not leaning forward.
    I generally don’t have a problem with leaning forward…I dony feel like calling or texting him at all. But I have a problem with Giving.

    Anyway – I was experimenting and doing stuff that makes me feel I am responding to Manboy’s indirect FB attention…Feel Freeing….Infact it has diminished Manboy in my mind and made me feel as if I was making too big a deal out of nothing.
    Oh gosh, this is like an Imaginary relationship…it’s good if I respond in some way — that way I can see if he’s just feeling unsafe or if he’s non-commital.
    If he’s feeling unsafe…I think he’ll just test the waters a little more…I’ll respond positively and he should call to reconnect.
    If he’s non-commital….he’ll get scared and back away or he’ll just keep the game going just to have his foot in the door.

    IN any case, it’s just a week and a few days and then I wont have FB. And also, I’ll be on a trip flirting with new guys.
    Plus I’m going out a lot this weekend.

  401.  #401Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 10:37 am


  402.  #402Rori Raye on June 19, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Slippin – you are so fortunate to be rid of any man who’d talk to you like that….Love, Rori

  403.  #403Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Hi Inner Bonder!

    How often in a day do you consciously open your heart to receiving the love, comfort and guidance of Spirit? The more you remember to do this, the more inner peace you will feel. The feeling of Spirit in your heart is subtle and the more you remember to open to it, the stronger you will feel it. Today, focus on remembering to invite Spirit into your heart.

  404.  #404Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Sorry about the triple posts, my phone got hung up.
    FW, yes thank you also. Nope, I’m staying firm in my promise to myself. I will not text him. I think I finally finally learned what my message and lesson was from being in such a painful, albeit, imaginary relationship.
    Yes, I will fall in love with myself and honor and cherish myself. There is a much better man coming my way and I have opened my door and my heart for him.

  405.  #405Heart on June 19, 2012 at 10:42 am


    Wow! That’s shocking.

  406.  #406Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Sassy I am wondering if Rori meant to address you instead of Slippin Goddess

  407.  #407CurvySiren10 on June 19, 2012 at 10:47 am

    404 Sassy, that sounds VERY healthy and strong. Seriously, this man with his addictions and self-hatred can NOT be anything but toxic to you. Yes, “a$$clown” is a perfect moniker.

    Honor yourself …and move on. Start CD-ing. Do whatever it takes to get this behind you. And I think Rori’s message in 402 was meant to go to YOU, not Slippin’. But I could be wrong.

  408.  #408Gemini on June 19, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Here’s to trusting and respecting our boundaries, and knowing what kind of treatment we will not allow…seems to be a theme right now!

    Sassy, SG, Ifeoma…bless!

  409.  #409Slippin' Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Just was downstairs. My mum started slamming about and had a go at me for something. Really raising her voice, shouting and slamming like I was a 3 year old.
    I lost it.
    Screamed back at her. Parents Argh!!

    Come upstairs really wound up and just bawled my eyes out for ages. Even lay on the floor. All this stress is really getting to me. My eyes are red raw now. Feel so tense and helpless. I don’t know what to think.

  410.  #410Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 11:04 am


  411.  #411Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

    i feel so sad and alone again


  412.  #412Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

    ((((((((( Starla ))))))))))
    Rollercoaster.. Know the feelin’ xx

  413.  #413Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Dancing Siren yes a leap of trust was what I thought. Have you read Gay Hendricks book The Big Leap? I believe it could help

  414.  #414Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

    i started looking at 2012 prophecy stuff online and it made me feel so uneasy and afraid. I remember when CF told me that if any disaster were to occur, to wait for him at my apartment and he would come for me.

    🙁 where did my guy go. i love him. and he can’t even give me the decency of a 2-way conversation. I feel really upset right now.

  415.  #415Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

    It feels so hard sometimes to fight the feeling in my heart that he is the man I am supposed to be with. Like I should be trying harder, not backing off. 🙁

  416.  #416Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ouselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.

    Byron Katie

  417.  #417Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I am not a stupid or delusional girl, so it just feels so hard to tell myself that’s what is happening here. That I am imagining this overwhelming feeling I get that I am not with the one I am meant to be with.

  418.  #418Dominique on June 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Simply Goddess – #381 – Maybe this is not the man for you?


  419.  #419Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Simply Goddess, your new name suits you better.

  420.  #420Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Okay, breathe, Starla.

    Soul mates/true love is not about possession.

    I choose to channel this energy into love and acceptance of him. And to love myself and heal the urgency I feel to find a partner.

    I know I am scared to be alone, and that is okay. I’ve been alone since I was very young, and there is a greater purpose for me.


  421.  #421Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Starla, I can so relate.

    I felt that way for three weeks last summer when my man and I were on a “break”.

    I vividly remember feeling, sad, uneasy and sick to my stomach all the time.

    Not a good feeling. 🙁

  422.  #422Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Oops, “feeling sad”, not “feeling, sad”.

  423.  #423Starla on June 19, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I avoid letting these feelings settle into pure love and acceptance for him, because it is so pure, and then I cry, and I feel foolish to cry over him. But I am going to let myself cry right now.

  424.  #424smile on June 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

    I have done well I do not feel like texting him after he just did not show up…again. I respect myself. Actions speak louder than words.

    I know he will be in touch again as he has previously. I have tried alsorts of feeling messages to share how I feel when he does this and to put my boundaries in place but we keep going round and round in circles.

    We still have feelings for each other but he just won’t step up. Everytime I think he does he lets me down again. I know he is distancing himself to avoid the pain of letting me down. But why let me down in the first place. If he wondering if he can go the distance with how good things could be?

    He still has a key which he told me last week too. How do I get out of the pattern? I know he will be in touch again at some point.

    How do I get out of the pattern? Any advice?

  425.  #425smile on June 19, 2012 at 11:44 am


  426.  #426Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Hhmm… I had a revelation today. I find this guy who keeps texting me, asking me to meet up really, really boring.. And then I realised that my main fear is that ‘men’ find me ‘boring’. I’ve often sensed this from them.. Hmmm… I will sink into my feelings around this thought and what it means..

    I range from being the life and soul of the party to being the quiet wallflower.

    When I am the life and soul I worry what people are thinking about me and that I am hogging the limelight and ‘showing off’. I worry that I am not acting in a ladylike manner and that people won’t like me…

    If I am quiet I feel that I am masking my true self. I feel restrained and like I am trying to please people..

    I don’t know if any of you sirens relate to this..

  427.  #427smile on June 19, 2012 at 11:54 am


    Is this important?

    Why am I now pining for my ex?

    Is it because I left him for this man who promised me the world but couldn’t go the distance?

    Is it because I still have unfinished feelings for him?

    Thinking, thinking, I am always thinking…. I need to stop thinking!

  428.  #428Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm


    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    ― Marianne Williamson,

  429.  #429Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Hugs, baby girl. Listen, I always tell my girls, when they ask me for advice, is to listen to their gut, their intuition.
    It’s NEVER wrong. And if yours is screaming to you that loudly, there must be something to it. Just feel confident in yourself that while nothing may happen for awhile, it may at some point. Hold on to that feeling.

  430.  #430Starla on June 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    It’s just so weird… Then when I give in to crying and just blessing him, it slips away. I can’t bring myself to cry for more than a few second. My brain and my ego are still running the show. I intend to let go a bit more. I’ve let some ‘brain’ things in my life slip, like keeping on top of my routine and chores, since I’ve been on vacation, so I think if I can put this brain/boy energy here and tend to these things, I might feel ‘safe’ enough to let go and feel my emotions and universal love.

    sigh. thanks for letting me basically spam/go on and on here.

  431.  #431Starla on June 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Sassy, thank you for validating my intuition. It means a whole lot to me <3. I know that right now is not the time to go chasing him down. In fact, I believe when the time is right, no "chasing" will need to happen.

    I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't look to get involved with a man until I had some more of my own ducks in a row that feel important to me. Things like having a solid routine that no man can shake me from, so that I am always caring for myself. So that includes CF, not just every other man on the planet.

    Hugs to us both.

  432.  #432Daria on June 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    yay my 3 am CD last nite got me FLOWERS this morning!


    hes a good man

    i feel like HIGH 5 to me cuz im not in the realm of attracting SUCCESSFUL and good men who are also self confident and connect w me

    im also feeling turned on w him sometimes and hes a BIG guy

    which was wat i thought i wasnt attracted to

    yay im so changing go me

    this feels lovely

  433.  #433Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    FW ~ that feels soooo nice to read. Kinda like a blessing… Wow… I feel really uplifted and able to breathe.. And able to be me..

  434.  #434Daria on June 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    yay Ifeoma i feel so moved

    i know someone in your position from this blog and i often think of her and wish her the courage and love and strength to make a move like yours

    thank you for sharing

  435.  #435Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Diva Creed

    Date at least 3
    Keep the focus on me
    Treat them all equally
    Till I say yes to a ring
    and It feels great

  436.  #436Megan on June 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    what do you do when you’ve goofed.
    when you’ve pushed too far too many times.
    like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
    apologize obviously,

    do you try to explain/justify or does that make it worse?
    do you be completely honest?

    some guys you just know you can get by with more,
    we treat people how to treat us
    but you don’t say…
    I pushed you bc I knew I could get away with it??

    his words were “you’re quite horrible to me”
    which feels horrible.

    problem is I was afraid he was feeling that way, as I was feeling like a horrible person before he said it.

    I feel so ashamed and full of remorse, regret, sadness.

    i want to make it right. i tear up everytime I think about it.

  437.  #437lk on June 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    i just took the day off & spent all my dollars to pick up my kitty….

    flew to the wrong airport ! i’m in the wrong STATE !!!

    now the poor sweet woman has to drive like a maniac with her sister to bring me my kitten : ((((((

    i love the universe for taking such care of me… & i feel so despondent that even though my brain is pretty fast & stuff…… some things just come out so flipping “WRONG” & it makes me want to just decide “ok, fine, yes, i’m totally worthless!!”

    & YES i made a horrible dinner last night ! i lost my temper about something else that was dumb ! i felt jealousy a few times too : ((((( i scratched up my knee &….. &…. & then cd was hot & he sat on the floor not the couch with me & that “hurt my feelings” LOL….. & now i’m just a dumb girl who can’t do anything anything anything right ever! & i flipping love myself for it anywayz. (((lk))) go email humans & fix your problems, freak.

  438.  #438Starla on June 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    you are magic, honey. (((((((((((((lk))))))))))))) hugs to lk (((((((((((((lk)))))))))))))))

  439.  #439Sassy on June 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm


    I feel like I don’t have any answers for anyone.

  440.  #440Starla on June 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    i’ve been there, and everything shifted when i started FIRST with sending lots of forgiveness to MYSELF. Start there. And a good old fashioned apology for HIS benefit (not yours) is never a bad thing.

    Really slather on the forgiveness for yourself. It will probably feel awkward but just give it a try. Say it out loud “forgiveness to me. I forgive me.” Start with forgiving yourself before you seek his forgiveness. You can’t wait for his forgiveness to feel “whole” again. When you wait for his forgiveness, it is almost offensive to the man, because it is of no benefit to him. I hope this makes sense.

  441.  #441Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Feeling so alive now!

    I just finished a very tough workout and I’m sweating profusely and I’m loving it! 🙂

  442.  #442Starla on June 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Woohoo Francesca

    I’m hittin the gym right now! I usually do it in the early morning, but slept in today, and felt like I would just end up skipping the workout today. But I got into my cute workout clothes and WILL not abandon my goals.

    gahhhhh i love me so much

  443.  #443Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    “because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.”

  444.  #444Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    i feel so triggered by the ‘throwing caution to the wind’

    i just got that this is cuz i judge and get annoyed with my lil goodie goodie side, no you must play by the rules do wat the grownups say

    that is dangerous1 that is agianst the rules. mom wouldnt like that

    even tho i live my life the way i live the voice is second guessing me doubting me

    making me miserable


    and not even helping me cuz my Spidey senses are so full on i know whats gonna happen before it does and can easily rely on my sixth sense


    i want to trust myself

    i want to kick that voice’s ass

    i suppose im suppposed to love her

    i feel so angry

    im gonna loe her with my anger too

  445.  #445Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Go Starla! 🙂

  446.  #446Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Defend: i am NOT throwing caution to the wind

    but u know what i am

    cuz i dont want to live life cautious

    and i dont anyway and i feel good this way

    and i just dont want to keep nagging and doubting myself 🙁

    it feels awful

    i want to embrace this part of me just to shurt her up!

    ugh i feel like i cant deal w this

    stranger = tool


    i feel grumpy

    i dont want to do it

    i feel sleepy



  447.  #447Daria on June 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Rebecca – yes on the loving yourself , but i feel a bit misunderstood

    its really more about BODY LANGUAGE, BODY STANCE like the actual physicalness of it

    than in your mind and what you think of it (thats what i get you’re referring to)

    the DIFFERENCE is in the standing, with weight on back foot and body open , head up lips parted

    try it right now – open your palms to dthe front with arms at the side


    in this position, anyone looks attractivre, vulnerable sexy

    even a mannish lookign gay man

  448.  #448ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    @357 Love Actually

    I can relate to your post. I also have a need to have things be just so. I’m not sure if it’s a control thing, probably partially, but it’s also a need to know thing. I don’t like feeling uncertain about anything. I feel nervous when I am. I feel anxious.

  449.  #449Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    I do remember reading about how open palms, leaning back etc. makes you appear more open and relaxed. I try to practice this.

  450.  #450Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    448: ReceivingGirl

    I’m exactly the same!

  451.  #451Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    RG the need to know is what creates problems. Life is not packaged in a neat little box with a bow on top. When we know then all the mystery and adventure is sucked out.

  452.  #452Femininewoman on June 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    I see you Owlette

  453.  #453Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    He text earlier saying “Do you want to be my friend? xx”

    I was confused as to what that meant. At first I was like Wow! Is he wanting to be friends instead of a couple!? or maybe he is asking me to make up with him and be his friend seen as I haven’t bothered replying to his text?

    My mind can’t half run away with me sometimes. I over analyse everything. That’s my problem.

    I replied back. “I just want to feel good with you babe, that’s all.”

    So then I start thinking, I don’t even know if that is the right thing to say. Maybe I should have left out the ‘with you’. I just want to feel good, period.
    Maybe he meant he wanted to be friends on social media.
    Over analysing my own text this time. Wondering if he’d respond, wondering why he hadn’t.

    He hasn’t replied but I’m not all that bothered. I’ve just realised how much I over analyse EVERYTHING and how I need to get out of both his and my head.
    Just thought I’d share that.

  454.  #454Jenny on June 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Hi ladies.
    Been on a date with a young man today.

    A very sweet and nice man. A lot of talking, he mostly.

    He told me stuff about himself, I just listen.

    Felt very good.

    And one thing this young man (18 :O :P) did, that I totelly loved.

    We was sitting on a bench kind of in the center of the town, and 3 times, diffrent groups of young females (16-25 years) with shorts and showing lots of skin, walked past us where we was sitting. And I never notice he looking at them, he was looking at me, talking to me – not looking at other girls. …ok if he did, I couldnt see when he did it.

    My diva, my romantic girl like this man…and thii, it took him 2 min after giving me a goodbye hug to visit my profile on the website where we meet.

    Ohh and I feel a little bad i forgot to turn of my phone, so it did call (another cd was phoning) and without thinking I answered it…feels a little bad doing – so leason learned; TURN OF MY PHONe when I’m on a date..thanks universe for that leason.

    I give him some days to take contact…:)

  455.  #455Linda on June 19, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Ladies, quite a lot of discussions going on. I learn alot here.

    I am feeling more myself today. I dont have the gray cloud hanging over me that was there. I think I am detoxing. The more time that passes from his exit in my life, the better I feel.

    I can only take one day at a time. I can only manage today. I cant tell you how much better I feel having deleted my profile yesterday. I had one man write me and ask if I would like to meet him. I wrote back last week and said “Yes I agree, I would enjoy that”…. and 7 days went by and never responded!… Whats up with that? I had another guy that I actually spoke with, he begged for me to call him and I did about 24 hours later. He said he thought I was beautiful!… wanted to meet me and just talk over a glass of wine or beverage of my choice. I talked to him twice on the phone. Now 5 days later, he fell off the map. “what happened”.

    I just was feeling more rejection… so to be protective and good to myself, removing myself from that type of thing feels really really good to me.

    I went to bed last night but could not turn my brain off! I bet I layed there for over an hour, remembering his mean words and lies and his undercurrent caniving I could always feel.

    I am so angry every time I think about how he turned everything back on me… made it my fault some how. It wasnt!… Truely it wasnt. SHeesh…. why did I want it to work? I felt I have swallowed so much guff and my feelings that I need a cleansing down to my toes.

    I read in one of the comments about Being Self centered is a form of self protection. It keeps your heart closed. I NEVER saw it like that. This last guy was soooo self centered. and his heart was so closed and cold. I feel and and have lived the truth of this statement.

    Well at least the gray cloud isnt hanging over me today and the consumption of wondering if a man is interested in me online anymore… Removing myself from that what exactly what I needed.!

    Smiles Linda

  456.  #456Starla on June 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    🙂 I went to the gym and it killed me. I did today’s workout without my trainer because I’m on vacation, and, boy, do I miss him, haha. He makes my workouts go by so much faster.

    Still feeling really sad about CF, but it feels really good to stay on top of self-care. Because, who do I want to be? I’ll tell you: I work out 5 days a week, I keep a tidy house, I eat healthy snacks and meals, and I smile at myself when I look in the mirror, regardless of who/if there is a man in my life.

  457.  #457Starla on June 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    *killed me in a good way

  458.  #458ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    @389 Gemini

    Ack!! I was mindful of this this afternoon and I’ve had many thoughts of Mr. Observant. Like hundreds. I turned my thoughts away each time. Wow.

  459.  #459ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    @451 FW

    Exactly true. I know this and working on letting it go. It’s a hard thing to let go.

  460.  #460ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    @453 (((SG)))

    Love the new name!

    I think he meant on social media. He is all over the place. I think he feels like you are constantly monitoring him, so that you can question him. I do feel you need to tone that down a lot. However, he is acting pretty childish. If he wants to be your friend again, he can without asking you if that’s what you want, as if he’s doing you a favor. I think he needs to apologize for his behavior. He is trying to make up with you, but sometimes, the way they do it is not the way that feels good to us. A sincere apology is a lot nicer than trying to be nice and cozy up without saying a word about it, like it never happened.

    I do feel for him because I feel he is feeling very low and bad right now.

  461.  #461ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I think everyone needs a hug today!


    I used my LivingSocial deal and bought organic fruits and veggies from a delivery service. If they are good, I will probably sign up for the weekly delivery. It will get me to stick to eating fruits and veggies, not having to go to the store so much and buying things I don’t need. Hopefully, it will save me money too! It gets delivered on Thursday.

    We had photos taken of us at work today with a professional photographer. She showed me my pics on her camera and they seemed to turn out pretty good. I was worried cause my eyes were all bloodshot today (maybe allergies) and it’s so humid my hair didn’t hold. You can’t tell in the pictures. At least it didn’t look like it. I guess I will see when I get the real ones to look at.

  462.  #462Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Great article by Dominique, for those of you who are interested.


    Your Uncommunicative Man

    Does your man make you feel so frustrated sometimes, maybe much of the time, when it comes to communicating with you? The littler things and more importantly the bigger things?

    Does he take forever to return a text message, e-mail, or phone call, or maybe he doesn’t return it at all? Or worse even, a whole string of them, for you got to feeling anxious, scared, i.e. you let your gremlins voices get the better of you, and manic woman emerged?

    And when it comes to more serious topics, those which you SO want to discuss with or hear about from him, he just doesn’t or rarely does he bring them up. i.e. he hardly ever (or never) lets you know how he feels about things.


  463.  #463Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    462: Francesca

    Great article by Dominique, for those of you who are interested

    I can relate to that, thank you x

  464.  #464Smile on June 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    So I’m just going to drop his stuff round at his…. Problem solved!

  465.  #465Smile on June 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Now he won’t be able to keep working his way back to me and offering crumbs!

  466.  #466Smile on June 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    I feel in control!

  467.  #467Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    You’re welcome, SG.

  468.  #468Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    460: ReceivingGirl

    Yes, I agree. Thing is I actually don’t think he’s deleted me. I sense he’s just de-activated, plus his Twitter is still on for everyone to see. Strange. Anyway, like you say, I need to stop checking up on him!

    He’s coming to get me soon with the car. I’m much more relaxed than I was earlier. I’ve leaned back all day and only responded to him.
    I agree he’s been childish and his behaviour was erratic but I actually feel for him too. I think he’s just wrapped up in a whole load of emotions he isn’t used to feeling at the moment.

  469.  #469Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Leaned way back today and got a text from K (he doesn’t know about my texting fast because he NEVER texts) saying, “You’re my kind of woman…growl”

    I feel kinda smiley about that.

    Rori, seriously, your tools are wonderfully magical.

  470.  #470Smile on June 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm


  471.  #471Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 4:19 pm


  472.  #472Simply Goddess on June 19, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    ((((((((( Smile )))))))))))

    Vent if you need to.. xx

  473.  #473Smile on June 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    I just feel numb. It’s me keeping us in this holding pattern of him standing me up, he has shown he isn’t capable of stepping up at much as he says he wants to but I keep letting him back in then he disappears. It’s hard to let go of someone you love.

  474.  #474Smile on June 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I’m going to have to break the texting fast to tell him I’m going to drop his stuff off. I need to do this so I don’t give him chance to keep boomeranging back. I also want my house key. I can’t just give him non contact he will get in touch once it’s past a while and worm his way back in again. I need to be strong.

  475.  #475Smile on June 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    I’m dizzy from going round in circles! If he wants me he needs to show me! I’m gone!

  476.  #476Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm


  477.  #477Francesca on June 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    SG, I hope it goes well.

  478.  #478ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    @468 SG

    I hope he makes an effort to apologize when he drops the car off. Good luck!

  479.  #479Pamelala on June 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    ((((((((Smile)))))))) ((((((((Sirens))))))))

  480.  #480ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    One of my triggers is when people do not respond to me. I mean, I put out the effort to send an email or text and then nothing. I messaged my cousin on FB on 6/12 asking how her new baby was doing, etc. She’s been online multiple times and no response. These things happen to me all the time. It totally triggers me as I’m not worth their time. My brother is another one and I have a couple of friends like this too. As well as a bunch of my relatives.

  481.  #481Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Daria ~ thank you so much. I will try!!

  482.  #482Rebecca on June 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Starla ~ you are doing so well! You are my inspitation for self love…

    I need to learn to love myself more!!

  483.  #483Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    (((((473: Smile)))))

  484.  #484Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    480: ReceivingGirl

    This is one of mine too whether via phone, text or email or in person.

    Today when I took my dog into the Vet for a nail trim, I stood at the counter for probably 5- 8 minutes and the girl did not acknowledge me at all. I sat down thinking she might be busy and I was feeling super awkward standing there…I waited probably another 5 or so minutes and finally worked up the courage to ask if I needed to check in.

    So triggers into my NV ‘am I invisible?’, ‘don’t I matter?’ etc.

    Would have been so much easier to just pipe up and say ‘hi’ LOL.

  485.  #485ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    @484 Love Actually

    I am the same way. I don’t speak up in situations like that either, until after I’ve fretted over it for about 10 minutes. LOL

    I also feel I am invisible to most people.

  486.  #486LobbyStar on June 19, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Remember I went on that date with a guy 15 years younger than me?

    When we parted that night, he asked if I wanted to get together again sometime, and I was agreeable to that. Then he told me to call him sometime if I wanted to “hang out.” (And I knew I wasn’t going to call, because I’m the GIRL!!)

    (Btw, I hate the ambiguity of “hanging out.” When I was growing up, “hanging out” meant sitting around on the couch watching TV or listening to music or something like that. These days, it seems “hanging out” implies more than that, like touching, kissing, and MORE. So when a guy suggests “hanging out,” I don’t know if he means my definition or the modern one. I guess I will have to use FMs to clarify that when it comes up.)

    Of course, instead of calling him for a “hang out,” I leaned back. I really didn’t give him much of a thought, and I wasn’t hearing from him, so I had resigned myself to this having been a one date thing.

    Tonight was three days since our date. Like clockwork, he texted and asked to see me again. I replied with FMs.

    I feel really good about this, and I think it’s because I have no expectations that this will go any farther than the next date. Such a sweet feeling of freedom from burden of… hope. Also, my ego is singing, because I am 43 years old and have captured the attention of a 28 year old (who btw told me he thought I was 30 when he first saw me! lalala!)

    All the while, I’m trying to forget that I’m crazy in love with Cy, who seems to notice that I’m leaning back. Three times he came to see me at work yesterday. I was open to him, but I resisted the urge to lean forward and text him afterwards. That is progress for me. Too many times, I’ve leaned back, he rubber banded back to me, and then I leaned forward again. Breaking bad habits here.

    Done rambling now. Hugs and love to you all.

  487.  #487Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    485: ReceivingGirl

    I see you – tee hee 🙂

  488.  #488ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    @487 Love Actually

    haha…thanks…I see you too! 🙂

  489.  #489Love Actually on June 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    486: LobbyStar

    The term ‘hang out’ leaves me feeling a little uneasy too.

    Woohoo! You go girl, ‘hanging out’ with a 28 year old. *giggle*
    I’m 45 and this would TOTALLY make me feel great!
    Although I think I would also be a little nervous.

  490.  #490Starla on June 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I was just out and about going to an appointment and running a couple of errands, and I had such a smile on my face! I felt absolutely glowing, and I didn’t even realize I was just smiling at the world. I practiced the 5-second stare/smile with a couple of guys who passed by me on the street, and it was VERY effective. I did break the connection with both of them because I really do want to avoid all male distraction for now. But daaaaang. A good vibe and a little eye contact does sooo much for a woman:)

  491.  #491ReceivingGirl on June 19, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    I set up my new Kindle Fire and rented a book from the Kindle Owners Library, so I’m off to bed early to enjoy my book. Have a good night!

  492.  #492Starla on June 19, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Jilly, I just wanted to send more thanks and love to your guy for fighting our fire.

  493.  #493LiliBee on June 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Just popping in to say Hi 🙂

    This is the 1st few minutes I have had to come to the blog since I got back from my Vegas trip last Wednesday.

    D was such an awesome gentleman during the whole trip.
    I felt so cherished and cared for 🙂

    He paid for all the food and drinks.
    He always went to get me drinks.
    He was always looking out for me to make sure I didn’t trip.
    He grabbed my hand to pull me out of crowds.
    He often asked me if I was OK and if my food was OK.
    He always asked if I could see OK when we were at a venue or a show. If I didn’t see well enough, he would take me by the hand and bring me to a better spot.

    At 1 point, I hugged him and said in his ear “I feel so happy to be here with you.” 🙂
    I felt his entire body vibrate and even his heart beat harder and he responded “that is sooo good, reeally good. 🙂

    I got triggered at the airport on our way back, but that’s a whole other post when I have more time.

    I’ll need to check out 1 of this last week’s posts about triggers.

    I can’t wait to catch up with you all.

    Be back soon xox

  494.  #494LobbyStar on June 19, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    489 Love Actually

    I was definitely nervous meeting him for the first time. It was a blind date after he answered a personal ad written in FMs. :o)

  495.  #495Esteemed on June 19, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    Here is an update on Lucy and her daughter, who is in critical condition.

    The daughter, Caety, of my precious friend, Lucy, is fighting for every breath in a hospital in Copenhagen, Denmark right now. She was living her dream and her wish by taking a trip to Europe, because at age 25, she has Cystic Fibrosis and her days are numbered, short of a miracle.

    She went into serious near death condition on the plane, and a doctor on board insisted that the flight attendants supply her with oxygen, even tho they didn’t want to use it in case they needed it for other passengers. She spent a week in ICU, during which time her parents made an emergency flight to Denmark.

    She is now out of ICU, and it remains unsure how she will get home, if she lives long enough to come home. Because she can’t endure another commercial flight.

    Will you please help her as you feel led?

    ChipIn: A young US girl in Danish ICU has 0 funds for care and to get home to family

  496.  #496Esteemed on June 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I don’t expect many to be thrilled, and I am okay with that, considering my turbulent relationship with R…

    But he contacted me the past two nights, and last night in particular was very positive and fun! We texted for a long time, and he called me for 15 minutes. I feel very happy! I feel like we are really starting to mesh and to understand each other at a deep level1