What’s Going Wrong In Your Relationship and How To Fix It

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Here’s a letter from Jeanne…

We went to an event last night and argued en route and he said he was sick of this and I said ok me too, did he want his single life back and he said yes … so

This morning, after somewhat sleepless night I decided I would take all my stuff back home. He then started to backtrack and I said look I’ve figured it all out and he said what and this basically was what I said.

‘Look, I’m not arguing here but I know that most couples have conflict. Conflict is unavoidable unless the couple agrees over every single thing, and not only is that unlikely but pretty unhealthy (and boring). It’s how we DEAL with conflict that matters. Two days ago we argued about leftover food and the issue was solved in minutes in my own head, I just decided there and then that you can eat whatever you want and if I’m coming over and we’re not going out I’ll bring my own food. That should have been the end of it but you sulked for almost 48 hrs, distanced yourself from me and didn’t even call me after your annual hospital check. That’s way worse than the initial conflict which was over! Now I have a feeling that you have resorted to withdrawal and lack of communication with your ex wife and three daughters. Women don’t like to be cut off, it makes them feel unloved and unwanted. 24hrs of no communication turns to 48hrs which turns to a week and then a month and before you know where you are it’s 6 years! This is clearly not working for you and this is not going to work for me either!’

Then I just stayed very calm and stayed another hour or so, kept busy getting some notes done and then left. He said make sure you say goodbye. I did and he said he’d call me later.

Now I am thinking that I need to be home anyway to do laundry and stuff and I’m thinking of doing what he does – just detaching completely and letting him get a taste of the non-communication style that he resorts to…

I am totally OK with doing this right now, maybe until the end of the week? What would you do? I could answer nicely when he calls and say I’m busy or just ignore him?

Anyway I know you said don’t backtrack but I feel like I’m in charge at this point and I feel like I’ve come a long way (house is fairly clean, a little warmer, new radiator in bathroom etc. he’s getting there and he was really great with my kids over thanksgiving) but I’m not selling myself short!

That’s it!
Love, Jeanne

Let me take each one of these assumptions and bust into them:

1. We argued on route.

What’s THAT about? Why argue? What’s there to argue about? If you’re not in your head, and not in your opinions – then how can you be arguing? If you stay in the place where you only have feelings to express – This doesn’t feel good to me….how can any man argue with that?

Even if you get to feeling upset – there’s no argument. It’s just “I’m feeling upset. What can we do to make this better?”

The thing here is – if you want to be with a man – you don’t get equality. You have to throw feminism out the window. He’s the president, you’re the vice-president. NOT the “co-president” – but the “vice” president. You’re second in command.

And because of that, you have to be super careful who you marry! If you don’t trust a man to look out for your feelings, then you’re NEVER going to feel good being 2nd in command. And if you don’t stay in that 2nd in command (but FIRST in his HEART) position – the marriage will turn sour anyway.

Chemistry shifts and goes in and out. What you have in common is basically irrelevant from the start. But if you have a “working team” you can build ANYTHING – INCLUDING romance, chemistry – great sex. If you have a basic “polarity” of masculine and feminine energies – you can build chemistry and romance and great sex.

If you go with the friendship thing of being equals – it will NEVER get past friendship, and trying to do so will create arguments. Useless stuff.

2. Conflict is unavoidable unless the couple agrees over every single thing, and not only is that unlikely but pretty unhealthy (and boring). It’s how we DEAL with conflict that matters.

To be blunt – bullshit.

Conflict is NOT unavoidable, and conflict-free life is NOT boring.
conflict comes out of everyone wanting their way, everyone wanting to be right, everyone being afraid of what will happen if they don’t get their way.

Sometimes – yeah – you’re right. And his way is wrong. And bad. And there are ways to work through this without arguing.

Arguing is just a defense-fest.

Nothing’s getting solved or fixed or smoothed over or decided. It’s not even a real debate. It’s a gridlock where you get emotional about the gridlock.

A conflict of interests needs to be “solved,” and the president of your team has to do the major deciding and solving – and if you don’t trust him enough for that (to get you to the party or the theater, to choose big things like where you live, where you’ll have dinner, to choose a financial adviser or decide where to go on vacation in a way that makes YOU happy, too!) – then don’t marry him.

Marrying him, and thinking you’ll eventually figure out a way to prevail in “arguments” is not smart or good for you.

Marrying him, and thinking he’ll “soften” or change for you once he’s signed the official papers is not smart or good for you.

What you see is what you get.

If he changes down the line (and this happens all the time) for the worse – then you need to really stick to your guns: “My happiness is crucial to our team. If I’m not happy, this won’t work.Therefore, I’ll need to look out for my happiness and do things for myself that make me happy, and I can’t participate in letting decisions be made anymore in our “team” without my happiness being considered.”
And you get to feel good knowing you’ve never “given yourself up” to be part of the team, and so you can serve yourself well.

And if he changes for the better (and my Tools teach you how to continually be helping that along) – yayyyy – and you get to take credit for doing the work on yourself to allow that to happen.

And if he stays the same (which is what usually happens) – and that isn’t good – then the answer is that YOU haven’t changed, either, and so you have no one to blame but yourself. And – I FORBID you to blame yourself (or anyone else) for anything – so this is where your work is.

You cannot change him or circumstance or decisions or work to influence him. Either you’re a team or you’re not – and teams discuss, and work things out, and work in some sort of complementary way. Arguing is useless and old and doesn’t work. Blowing off steam at your team member is useless and damaging.

3. The rest of the letter is telling him what he did wrong.

This is totally forbidden in my 4 Rules – and it’s the beginning of learning how to be a team member and STILL stand by YOURSELF.

Frustration builds like this in a relationship when you aren’t expressing yourself and getting your feelings acknowledged. When you’re not getting your basic needs for affection and attention met.

When things are weird and off-kilter between you more often then they feel smooth and lovely.

4. And here’s game-playing: I’m thinking of doing what he does – just detaching completely and letting him get a taste of the non-communication style that he resorts to…

We all want to do this: “Give him a taste of his own medicine…play hard-to get….go away…”

And – it doesn’t work.

Men don’t “get” this.

It’s all for nothing.

They don’t experience this game the way we want them to. They think you don’t care, and so they move further away. Or they get angrier. Or – they rightly think you’re playing a game (they’re right – you are!), and so they stop trusting you, they feel dis-respected, they don’t get it, they feel angry.

A Feeling Message Speech Instead:

Jeanne – Just for practice – take the letter and speech you wrote me and rewrite it as feeling messages…

“I’m just a girl here and I can’t deal without contact – it makes me feel unloved and unwanted….I don’t know how we can be together without some conflict…I don’t know if that’s possible. Is there some way we can work to resolve conflict more easily so that there isn’t like 2 or 3 days of no communication and anger between us? It would feel so good to be able to make mistakes now and then and somehow work our way through them. It would feel great to feel secured and relaxed that way, so I could love you without feeling afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing…”

How does that feel instead of the one you started with?


Why do we argue in the first place?

Sometimes the problem is that everyone is so subconsciously afraid of intimacy that after every good moment, they create a bad one.

If this is you – keep watch. Notice how this happens – and STOP CONTRIBUTING. After good moments – keep quiet. Keep still. Observe. Notice if you become edgy. notice if HE becomes edgy. Take some space. Plan ahead for these moments. Talk about THIS!

Come up with some ideas for staying emotionally close when you feel edgy.

Arguments are a lazy way of dealing with big internal issues in all of us.

Forgiveness of yourself is the key that opens the door to a different path than the one marked “arguments.”

Let’s keep talking about this…

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Turtle Girl on December 6, 2010 at 8:56 am


    I am sorry but I got my hormones confused with some other medication as far as who I order them from. I don’t get them from Canada, that was something else.

    I get them locally at a compounding pharmacy.

    Just get your doctor to prescribe bio-identical cream hormones. Any good compounding pharmacy should be able to do it. Sorry for my confusion. I have been sick and nothing is going well lately. xxoo

  2.  #2Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Arguments are a lazy way of dealing with big conflicts within us…..brilliant, Rori.

  3.  #3Leo on December 6, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Thanks Rori for this valuable post!

    It helped me a lot.
    I got better in leaning back and sticking to what I feel, and I am trying to be feminine even though I sometimes still don’t know exactly how.
    But the whole “arguments”-part is a problem. If there is a difficult situation with me and my man, i still have a hard time dealing with it.
    I trust him a lot and we do are a good team which i have noticed in the past. So your post really spoke to me, Rori.

    I was staying with him over the weekend, and yesterday he was sooo tired and exhausted so he kinda slept all day.
    But I didn’t care like “why don’t i get attention”. I payed attention to myself, watched tv, lit the candles, drank some tea, and made sure that I don’t get home too late so I have some time at home to myself. It was not about him as it used to be (like: He needs his rest i better leave him alone)

    I had a nice night and today he was all cute and sent me lots of messages.
    I feel awesome.
    I feel awesome and happy and valued cause I noticed again that not only I am sad when we dont have time for each other but that he is too (send it in a message). And that he hopes that the upcoming weekend will just be awesome and we have a great time.

    I dont get all the energy and my self assurance only from him saying those things. But it helps me picture it again and keep it stuck in my mind.

    There are still some downs, Rori, but the ups are growing in number. And I don’t let the downs get me down so much anymore!

    Thanks Rori!

  4.  #4Meemee on December 6, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I am on the move- traveling, work, library visits and stuff like that.
    Feeling generally good and strong.
    I am getting serious about my PhD.
    I am working and reading and writing.
    Love you all

  5.  #5tinque on December 6, 2010 at 11:20 am

    “Conflict is unavoidable unless the couple agrees over every single thing, and not only is that unlikely but pretty unhealthy (and boring).”

    This sentence screamed at me and though Rori covered it very well, I wanted to call my own “bulls*it” on it.

    K and I don’t agree on every little thing, but we NEVER argue, and our relationship is about as healthy as anyone can imagine and as far from boring as you can get.

    It’s peaceful, and after the last volatile one, it’s beyond a breath of fresh air.

  6.  #6Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I feel awesome right now. Just enjoying myself. It feels so good….
    A glas of red wine, aaaawesome music and some dishes to do 😉

    So much fun, dancing and singing. Just me!

    I feel gracious that I got reminded of this ….ME, time to spend with myself and only myself.

    I feel like a flower, blooming, looking elegant and pretty and cute and just awesome. And through that all those little bees are coming over saying Hi.
    Just by being me, enjoying myself, the important people in my life pay attention to me!!

  7.  #7Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 11:44 am

    My heart feels racy with the power of this post. Wow. Copying the parts I really want to remember…

    The thing here is – if you want to be with a man – you don’t get equality. You have to throw feminism out the window. He’s the president, you’re the vice-president. NOT the “co-president” – but the “vice” president. You’re second in command.

    And because of that, you have to be super careful who you marry! If you don’t trust a man to look out for your feelings, then you’re NEVER going to feel good being 2nd in command. And if you don’t stay in that 2nd in command (but FIRST in his HEART) position – the marriage will turn sour anyway.

    Chemistry shifts and goes in and out. What you have in common is basically irrelevant from the start. But if you have a “working team” you can build ANYTHING – INCLUDING romance, chemistry – great sex. If you have a basic “polarity” of masculine and feminine energies – you can build chemistry and romance and great sex.

    If you go with the friendship thing of being equals – it will NEVER get past friendship, and trying to do so will create arguments. Useless stuff.
    OMG! Rori is brilliant! Yum!!! Still heart racing about this post. Want to read over and over until download is complete.

  8.  #8Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Oh and not to knock the original poster, jumping on BS bandwagon, fighting about leftover food. ???

    I have soooo done this. Wow.

    I finally get what Tinque and Mercedes have been saying about not fighting. If I let go of control about the little things, focus on my feelings, and stay super strong about the big things (i.e. my boundaries), there won’t be arguments.

    If my basic needs/boundaries are being met, I won’t care about leftover food.

    Hehe. I get this.

  9.  #9tinque on December 6, 2010 at 11:54 am

    YAY Shannon!!! This works, it really, really works.
    Conflict is not even a part of our consciousness. It’s a just isn’t.
    Even though there have never been arguments between us, the easiness, the flow took a little time.

  10.  #10Leo on December 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Oh tinque… I feel jealous 😀

    My man and I dont have many arguments, and usually you cant even call it an argument. Sometimes the situations get a little heated and now and then it takes a while to get there, but then we talk in feeling messages.
    I just realized it…
    The last time we had an “argument” it took us like half a day till we finally talked about it.
    But then ( i totally just realized this) it was in feeling messages. He was feeling jealous about my best guy friend, and I was feelings jealous about an Ex and sad about another thing.
    And we got it settled. He told me, I told him, and he immediately tried to make me feel better.

    But as I said…. I often still takes a little while to get there…
    Cause sometimes I am still afraid of telling him when I dont feel good about something.

    When I say like ” I feel unloved right now” he still sees it as an accusation and often gets into defensive-mode.
    Which then makes it difficult for me again to handle the situation. I get insecure about how I should act/react.

  11.  #11Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    yes, i agree ss! and that’s why – as rori said – we DO have to be super-careful who we marry – he has to be someone i can feel good about letting go with. that’s what is hard for me to find. this post also fits with what i have been telling myself repeatedly lately – if i am blessed enough to find a good match for me, i am going to completely accept him the way he is, not argue, not try to over-power, not criticize or judge – just truly love him and not be afraid bc now i know how to be okay no matter wht

  12.  #12tinque on December 6, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Leo – How about this instead: “I feel lonely right now. I miss you.”

    It takes an accusation right out.

    It seems to me that the more you get to know this man and become accustomed to speaking with each other in this way, the easier it will get and the faster problems will be resolved.

    I suppose that I’m fortunate that neither one of us do the the confrontation thing, BUT instead we stuffed the feelings, not so good either.

    As I learned to speak to him, be open and vulnerable, authentic, he felt increasingly safe with me and thus opened even more to me.

    It’s how all of this works.

  13.  #13Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    and this post is the nuts and bolts of how to do just that!

  14.  #14Leo on December 6, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Tinque –

    I did sometimes stuff my feelings down too…until i cant anymore…and then we handle it usually quite well. Cause we do love each other. I get to feel that in those moments.

    yeah, i do use the phrase “i feel lonely, i miss you”.
    Like this past weekend, he couldnt sleep and was sitting int he living room, and i was sleeping. When i woke up i went there, got some water and said exactly this sentence. And he said: “why… I am here!” and I said “no….miss you being next to me”

    I try not to accuse him…but I am missing the right words….

    But one thing i love a lot….
    We have this saying. We came up with it quite at the beginning of our relationship (like 2,5 years ago).
    When we feel truely connected he usually says it ” We have “IT” ! ”
    IT makes our relationship work so well.
    And when I today read Rori’s post I thought of IT as being “the team”, cause only when we work as a team both of us are happy and our relationship is great !!!!!!

  15.  #15Turtle Girl on December 6, 2010 at 12:38 pm


    This is a great little ditty on getting a life and not getting bogged down in being so serious.

    A friend of mine was working. His girlfriend kept coming in and bugging him and he could never get anything done. They fought. She needed attention, and she did not respect his work time or space.

    After many unsuccessful trys to break the pattern, one day when she came in to bug him, he got down on his knees, all big eyed and hands in form of praying and very playfully begged her to let him get some work down. Something like: ” Oh, darling, pleeezzzeee pretty pleezzze with sugar and a cherry on top let me work” Smiling, and looking all pouty eyed and begging on his knees. She could not help but start laughing, and this broke the pattern of fighting over his work.

    I thought this to be really interesting. Isn’t that what RR is teaching us? How to break our patterns that are not working? Yes.

  16.  #16tinque on December 6, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Leo – Sounds to me like you are doing great.

    You’ve been together long enough so that if he doesn’t respond as you wish when you express your loneliness and missing him, try going to him, snuggle against him, or even ask for a hug.

    He may very well step up.

    If you feel him pull away, know that it’s not you, that something is on his mind or he’s not feeling well, and he’s in another one those boxes that’s not labeled Leo.

    It may sting a bit, but remember this; just having this knowledge will help ease the rejected feeling.

    I wouldn’t suggest doing this all the time, but on occasion when you feel overwhelmed with wanting closeness, try it.

  17.  #17Turtle Girl on December 6, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    I guess the reason I posted about pattern breaking is that this post is about that. They are arguing, and that is probably a pattern. Game playing-pattern.

    And none of that was working for this woman. So until we shift the way we do things, discard old patterns or ways of thinking, behaving, nothing changes. The energy in the relationship is the same and will remain the same until someone does something different and breaks the relationship pattern.

    I see this in myself. Like being stuck in a rut, playing the same record over and over. Same tape in the brain. Same record, although broken keeps getting played again and again and again. Until we realize whats happening and take baby steps to shift the energy and change the outcome.

  18.  #18Leo on December 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Tinque –

    yes, that is/was a veeeeeery big thing for me, too.
    I ALWAYS assumed that, when he pulled back, it was about me. I mean: Always…

    But telling myself in those situations that it probably is not about me helps me soooooooo much!!!
    It still hurts once in a while… but I am getting better. Feels awesome!

    Thanks Tinque for the advice.
    Feels great to get feedback!
    I love critique…cause then I can get better 😉

  19.  #19Rachel on December 6, 2010 at 1:11 pm


    I think it’s great the way you took care of yourself and just allowed your presence to be “with” his presence in a sweet, undemanding way. Even though he was sleeping, he felt it!

    I’m going to get to test this for the next few weeks as my man just deployed again (miliary) for short assignment. This means almost no contact which usually shakes me a bit. But I’m going to focus on doing sweet things for myself and my kids and enjoying the holiday season without pining away that he’s not here.

    I’m going to trust that he’ll feel my centered, radiant vibe across the thousands of miles and will be drawn to me as I care for myself.

    Thank you for sharing this!

  20.  #20Leo on December 6, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Rachel – thanks for your reply. You really put it into the right words….

    Yes, please enjoy yourself. It’s so important…
    Be strong!!!
    i feel for you!

  21.  #21The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    I bought seaweed!!!!

    Tinque! Daria!



    I don’t argue in my relationships-the way I did years ago –

    I feel so drained “convincing” and trying to “prove” my rightness.

    There is power in falling to the floor and crumbling up into a little ball-(read:fetal position)~
    (metaphorically speaking)

    saying;”I feel like crying”,
    helps me diffuse a lot in heated moments-
    feeling feelings in the moment is akin to building a muscle-
    it feels atrophied when we spend too much time in the head(read:intellectualizing love)

  22.  #22The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Authentic heart muscles 😉

  23.  #23Pegg on December 6, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I love your material, but of the 2 series I recieved by mail, only 3 discs work. I do not see contact phone numbers for cutomer service. Please help me by posting a number or sending me an email.


  24.  #24Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Oooh, Nikita, you triggered a really intense memory for me — long before I had heard of Rori, when my marriage was falling apart, I did literally fall to the floor and crumble into a little ball (fetal position), beside my warm rumbling soothing clothes dryer….

    and he didn’t care. At all. (I didn’t do it to “make him care” — I did it bc I couldn’t stand up anymore, couldn’t “live” anymore in that moment — but still, looking back, it feels awful that he didn’t care.)

  25.  #25tinque on December 6, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    what kinds did you buy? makes a difference in how you want to prepare.

  26.  #26marina on December 6, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Thanks again for your wisdom.

    Rori, I love this post, and definetely will use it to turn around some of my ‘speeches’

    Is anyone of you familiar with William Ury?

    I love his book ‘The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No & Still Get to Yes’ which is about negotiating, but also about setting boundaries…

    Tomorrow I will take my first Nia lesson. Nia is combination of differents dances, martial arts, Yoga, Feldenkrais and the Alexander Technic

    And I am also watching as much comedy as possible, which is great ‘therapy’ to loosen up 😀


  27.  #27Ella on December 6, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    I feel sad.

    I feel sad and horrible tonight.

    I feel empty – Mr Barman has not been in touch.
    I feel horrible because I made myself vulnerable to him by telling him how I feel about my sexual issues and now I just feel like a fool!

    I feel angry that a man can still rock me this way.

    I feel majorly like shutting down and switching off my phone just so that he can’t call me when he does decide to… but that is not productive here.

    I feel so sad right now like there is something very wrong with me. Why do I get so mixed up.

    I feel like I am a complete fool for opening myself to a man…

    And why so off balance?

    Everything feels f*cked… what is wrong with me?

  28.  #28Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    @1: Turtle Girl says:

    “…I have been sick and nothing is going well lately. xxoo…”

    TG, I hope you are feeling better soon. You are “top of the world!” today at the Rori blog so I hope this is a good sign of better things to come today.

    Walking around in the brisk cold, through the aroma of live Christmas trees…keeps me so perked up; perhaps a little walk around would do you good.

    I just read Rori’s post and the message I got is “I’m doomed…” However, I won’t give up yet. I’ll build some kind of “work around.” I can be very determined, doomed or not. 😉 OTOH, maybe “doomed” is not so bad… “single” has been OK for my last century…I’m still a “Mrs.” although divorced since prehistoric times… 😆


  29.  #29Rosa on December 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    I just enroled in POF, feeling well enough for a little pre Christmas CD’ing maybe.

    Got this-

    “I’ve read you profile a number of times and
    must comment that in my opinion you are

    etc , etc etc

    ps. What is your favourite colour? I’m
    thinking white for purety:-)

    NOW THEN ..Unique ? Well I just wrote a lot of feeling messages about what i love to do ..

    As to the purity ..Hello!!!!

    I think he must have made a visual association to the white lacy top that showed a little in my pic..

    Little things matter with these profiles…

    And no , he doesnt interest me as he wrote 3 “off” jokes on his profile ..yikk .

  30.  #30Ella on December 6, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    There is nothing wrong with me!

    These are just my feelings and its ok.

    What one man does or doesn’t do does not define me.

    But I feel sad.

    Its ok to feel sad.

    Mt mind goes into overdrive… like can I go to the pub anymore if he doesn’t call me???

    Arghh, how will it be – feels panic.

    But the truth is yes I can and I am stronger than all this.

    Just feel sad when I feel let down.

    But why do I feel so much from something so small?

    Maybe I invested too much?

    Who cares, my job is just to feel… ok, I feel hurty hurt, low and P*ssed off.

    I feel incapable of manifesting good things.

    But not really.

    I feel tired of saying ‘it is his issue’ when he doesn’t call me anymore!

    Grrr, I don’t know – wtf?? I can’t do anything about any of this.

    I don’t really even know if anything is going on.

    All I know is the vibe has shifted, eveything has changed today and it started earlier with me feeling really grouchy and I haven’t been able to shake it.

    I know something is up with Mr Barman and yet that is his issue. I guess.

    I just don’t know how to get my vine unstuck from him and flow forward so that I feel better no matter what.

    And I feel vulnerable after telling him what I did, like I do not want to open up to a man again.

    And I feel hopeless that I will ever find a man who Loves me and who I can be with.

    🙁 Boo hoo.

  31.  #31Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    (((HUG ELLA)))

  32.  #32Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    @25: Ella says:

    “…Everything feels f*cked… what is wrong with me?…”


    I think you should go knit a scarf; that’s my cure-all at the present.

    He’ll come back eventually and you’ll feel so-o-o-o much better if, when he returns, you are feeling calm and loving yourself.

    celibate and “doomed” but feeling OK

  33.  #33Rosa on December 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    I love Rori’s post so much , I could REALLY have had this advice in the past.
    It goes against so much i was raised and educated to believe and say . My marriage died as I was co-captain and looking at this , the inevitability was there from day one.
    My job and income put me ABOVE him on the social ladder and people around us used to comment all the time.
    This was made worse by my attitude..hmm I am learning.

    As to G-Man .
    After he called and arranged to come tomorrow I sent a 3 liner about
    “it feels so good to have sorted it out. Thank you for all the time and care you give Anne (his Mum) , she sounds great (3 mths after the death of G’s father)

    I got back a one liner –

    “im not the best just now Ros. A few things happening in my life so will probably be a bit quiet.

    Now the challenge for me.
    In the past i would have stepped straight into concern , support , “let me help” GIVE mode and I did it a lot .

    I did not ask him (I will when we are together and maybe driving ..always a good time)
    I did not offer support .
    I did not DO something about it.

    I wrote back

    “We can be quiet together with Max.”
    (my huge cuddly blond)
    “He is the best cure for everything-just listens to it all and wags meaningfully.”

    Dont mean to bore with details but I am looking at disrupting all old dynamics that DID NOT work and to keep him in his masculine energy as much as I can.
    He runs to women to support him when the going gets tough. Not me any more.

    Not unless there is a whole lot more giving to me I believe. He tends to do the drama queen if a girl steps up with a broad strong shoulder.
    I am struggling with how to handle this one.I AM NO LONGER THAT GIRL.

    I am feeling secretly glad he has issues too. I am hoping its GF ..naughty me tee hee..

    I feel confused about what is girl energy in a man and what is him feeling safe to share emotions and me taking care of that.


  34.  #34Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Here comes the CDing hard part for me again.

    Hockey guy had texted right after our date, and tonight I texted back that my phone was working now and I said, “Thanks again for a fun night.”

    So he texts, “Good! I’m glad you had a fun evening. Does that mean you would enjoy having another fun filled evening with me?”

    The truth?

    I don’t know. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t. I don’t really feel interested in finding out. One date was enough. It was fun but not fun enough to repeat. I would maybe like spending time with you as a friend from time to time — no more sloppy wet kisses like the one that night! I don’t want you to fall in love with me. I can tell you’re not “the one.” I feel bummed that I am in this position once again. What do you think?


  35.  #35Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    SLV, why do you feel “doomed”?

  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm


    I was checking at POF in my local area and all of the photos looked so awful. Not that the guys were unattractive (well, who could tell…) but the actual pics were so amateurish…people cut out of pics, guys so far in distance they were about size of two pixels, fuzzy… LOL There were sure a LOT of them, surprising how many.

    Is there a better pool of fish in Australia? What do you think?

    I’m not vice-president material so my planned for campaign has hit a snag; I’ll have to caucus in the War Room for a bit… The last time this happened I didn’t “run for office” for twenty-five years…things don’t look promising but I might have to push on anyway, can’t wait much longer.

    That’s right, I was always taught not to wait. Leading edge, leading edge…

    still a leading edge Boomer…

  37.  #37Ella on December 6, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    I just feel like d*mn, can what I said really have created this much of a shift?

    Is this what happens when I share my feelings?

    Am racking my brains to remember if he became distant after what I said or if he was still loving.

    Think he was still loving.

    Anyway I suppose none of it matters.

    I have no control over this or anything else right now.

    I just need to accept. Ok, whatever comes my way. Seriously if lots of guys disappearing is what is coming to me then I accept and I am ready to hear.

    What is my lesson?

    What do you want me to know?

    Well to be quite honest I don’t even really know if anything is up… maybe, maybe not. Maybe nothing.

    I am just feeling panicky… and why Ella?

    Maybe because this situation is triggering me?

    It could be easy to get pulled off course.

    Maybe I just need to chill.

    But my honest feelings are panicky/bad right now.

    What ever is going on it is not to do with me.

    I feel tired now.

    Well other 2 CD’s are asking to see me. Maybe universe wants me to accept?

    Try something new?

    How does that feel?

    Yes, why not See what happens… and whatever to


    Oh! I’m such a lil crazy head! He just called me!! He is going to call back in a minute.

    What do I do now??

    I feel so vulnerable… but that is because I opened myself up last time!

    Do I say how I really feel now or do I be normal for once?

    I don’t think I want to say how I feel tonight. I just want to speak to him on the phone…

    I will see how it goes, and then decide.

    Does anyone else get thrown so off balance by their men?

    If this good, bad or neither?

    Or maybe I could just say

    ‘I am glad you called, I missed speaking to you on the phone and I was feeling insecure because of the stuff I told you the other night!’.

    What do you think?

  38.  #38AmberS on December 6, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    The Nikita Show,

    I’ve been wanting to tell you how happy I felt reading your eval of your dynamic with Mr. Big (as it related to parenthood). Yep- that was a week (or more) ago, but I have been happy about it ever since. Thanks for sharing that. Impressively self aware.

  39.  #39AmberS on December 6, 2010 at 3:38 pm


    Ewww. Sloppy wet kiss. I’m sorry 🙁

  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    33: Lucy says:

    “SLV, why do you feel “doomed”?

    I’m not a vice president kind of girl… and it’s probably hopeless that I will ever be…

    Still thinking about it…but the numbers of men available to me are becoming infinitesimally small. And now I’ve got to be vice president too? Eeek?

    That spells “doomed” to me. But thinking about it…


  41.  #41Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    I didnt comment on this post.
    Who’s got me name?
    I mean geeze.
    It’s only one of THE most common names of all time. Gawd.
    This post makes me feel confused.
    I have to re read it.
    I feel like this is sooooooo far from where I am, I’ll never get there.
    Should I get there?
    Is this RR thing for me?
    Maybe I’m just a boy with boobs.

  42.  #42Ella on December 6, 2010 at 3:47 pm


    Ha – oh dear, I know how you feel!

    I have been in this situation soooo many times!

    How about

    “I am not feeling romantic or strong attraction towards you right now. I would maybe feel ok to meet again without any expectations. I do not want to feel pressured to kiss again when we meet as kissing the other night did not feel comfortable to me”

    ….. or something like that… the honest truth but softened a little.

    Then your cards are on the table. If he accepts then he knows EXACTLY what the situation is and you could meet hin without fear of any pressure or yuckness.

    What do you think?

  43.  #43Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    @39: Jennifer says:

    “Maybe I’m just a boy with boobs.”

    I think I’m a boy too. A boy who knits, bakes pies and maybe soon will be belly dancing. 😆


  44.  #44Ella on December 6, 2010 at 3:49 pm


    Thanks… 🙂

    Maybe I will try knitting a scarf!

    Lucy, thanks for hugs.

  45.  #45Ella on December 6, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Sloppy wet kisses are the worst!

  46.  #46Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Oh girls, thanks for making me smile!

    That was actually my first experience with a kiss of the sloppy wet variety! Until I started CDing, I never realized there were so many different ways for a man to kiss badly! Truthfully, I had never experienced “bad” kissing at all until CDing. I have been so surprised. Before I was married, all my guys were good to great kissers!

  47.  #47Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    SLV — and Jennifer — I’m not a vice president kind of girl either — BUT. BUT — what I have learned through CDing is that with the RIGHT MAN FOR ME, I could be vice president. That’s what I was trying to say on a previous comment either on this thread or the one before it — that it takes a rare and unique man to be president material for me. Most of the men I have met — NOPE. One or two men I have met — quite possibly yes. There has to be a certain spiritual strength and vibrancy to him.

  48.  #48Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    “I feel like this is sooooooo far from where I am, I’ll never get there.
    Should I get there?
    Is this RR thing for me?”

    Jennifer, I hear ya. Not too long ago, I woulda said the same thing. I am now at the point where I can see the beauty and value in what Rori describes here, AND I can see myself being that way WITH THE RIGHT MAN.

  49.  #49Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Ella, thanks for the help with words for this guy. The thought of telling him what you wrote there makes me feel panicky, heart-racing, anxiety.

    He likes me a LOT, and no matter how many times I hear Daria say we’re not supposed to care about the guy’s feelings, I just do care. I don’t know how to stop caring.

    But I care about my own feelings, too, so I don’t want to give him what he wants just so he won’t feel hurt.


  50.  #50Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    hey Lucy
    I don’t doubt the validity and beautiful wisdom of rori’s work.
    I just kinda doubt I’ll get there.
    I may be a little too standoffish
    maybe too prickly
    maybe a litttle too used to being on my own.
    I suppose there (conceivably) is a man out there that can out man me
    I just aint’ met him
    Like I said.
    Maybe I’m just a man with boobs.

  51.  #51Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    That has been part of my problem, too, Jennifer. Whenever I read about “this is how men are” — it totally describes me. My mom always tells me, “You’re just like your father” — and it’s completely true — my dad and I totally get each other — think the same way, feel the same things, etc. — and it seems like my mom and I are from different planets.

    “maybe a litttle too used to being on my own” — that’s a big one for me, too. A lot of these men are fun to be with for a little bit, but I would much prefer living by myself to living with them — Especially if I have to let them be president!!

    I can conceive of a man who can outman me, though, because I have met one. Unfortunately, he didn’t want me.

    Also, my dad and my sons are cut of that cloth.

    But maybe they are the only four on the planet (oh, besides the partners of some of the women on here).

    So it may indeed be hopeless.

    I know I have pretty much given up hope.

    Unless WH changes his mind or someone else like him magically and miraculously appears.

  52.  #52Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I do feel confused about the labels around all this, though, because my mom is actually more “hard on the outside, soft on the inside” — and my dad is more “soft on the outside, strong on the inside” — and I am too — and that’s what appeals to me in a man.

    Lol. I really am confused!!!!!!!

    I’m beginning to think this whole masc/fem thing is not at ALL black and white, not even close, maybe doesn’t even exist in reality.

  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    @49: Lucy says:
    “That has been part of my problem, too, Jennifer. Whenever I read about “this is how men are” — it totally describes me. My mom always tells me, “You’re just like your father” — and it’s completely true…”

    Yep, me too…


  54.  #54Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I concur.
    My dad and brother can out man me. Especially my brother…..but I don’t know any dudes like him.
    I haven’t given up hope.
    I just feel bored focusing on it.
    And a little sad
    like in highschool (Jeebus, do we EVER leave highschool!?) when all the other girls had BF’s and I didn’t.
    My sister said “some women are meant for homes and babies, some women are meant for other stuff”
    I don’t wanna really be an “other stuff” woman but hey…..I don’t know where to FIND this mythical manly man
    And I don’t know how to BE when I do.
    So….I end up feeling like a goober.
    And that sucks.
    I feel good doing other stuff….so I’m gonna do other stuff.
    I have four car payments left.
    Then I’m debt free.
    Then I’m gonna save up and take a week or ten days and go to greece.
    And maybe Italy.
    Maybe a Mike Dooley cruise.

  55.  #55The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 4:46 pm


    I bought Nori sheets (for mr big) to substitute as wraps(tortillas) and kelp-

    amber S.

    Ok, 🙂

  56.  #56Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    That’s it.

    I am hereby jumping OFF the masc/fem bandwagon.

    Tossing those labels out the window.


    I jumped off while it was moving.

    Bye bye.

    I’m standing in the dust watching it disappear down the road.

    I wonder where I will go now….

    Will I catch a ride on a different wagon, or will I walk?

    I will walk, for now.

    I will watch for the gypsy man in the woods.

    I feel smiley and excited about the gypsy man.

    If he comes to me with stolen jewels and scarves and a mischievous smile and wants to pull me onto his horse, I will ride with him… and let him be gypsy king of my heart.

  57.  #57Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Oh Jennifer, Greece is my dream destination!!! My grandmother is Greek — came here when she was two as a stowaway with her big brother on a ship. If I get married again, I want to go to Greece for my honeymoon.

  58.  #58Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I have a GF who lives there.
    It would actally be really cheap for me to go.

  59.  #59Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    @54 Lucy says:
    “I will watch for the gypsy man in the woods.
    I feel smiley and excited about the gypsy man.
    If he comes to me with stolen jewels and scarves and a mischievous smile and wants to pull me onto his horse, I will ride with him… and let him be gypsy king of my heart….”

    Cool. But one day he will come home with some finny, furry nor feathered thing that he has conquered and expect you to pull out the pots and pans and cook it.

    And polish his boots… 😆


  60.  #60tinque on December 6, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Lucy – “I’m beginning to think this whole masc/fem thing is not at ALL black and white”

    Nothing in this world or the entire multiverse even is black and white. It shifts and changes as the moods do and as situations call for.

    With men and women, though the polarity of a masculine energy man is mostly masculine, and the energy of a feminine energy woman is moslty feminine, sometimes the “roles” flow one way or the other or somewhere in between.

    Having a partner who is “president” doesn’t mean me as vice-president doesn’t have a very significant role to play in any and most decision making.

    The thing is, K knows me so well, he knows what would make me happy, so his decisions are mostly based on this.

    It’s not an autocratic environment in any stretch of the imagination.


  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 4:56 pm


    I meant “OR” as don’t expect gypsy man is cannibal but ya never know… 😆

    @54 Lucy says:
    “I will watch for the gypsy man in the woods.
    I feel smiley and excited about the gypsy man.
    If he comes to me with stolen jewels and scarves and a mischievous smile and wants to pull me onto his horse, I will ride with him… and let him be gypsy king of my heart….”

    Cool. But one day he will come home with some finny, furry or feathered thing that he has conquered and expect you to pull out the pots and pans and cook it.

    And polish his boots…

    so nervous I’m making typos again…

  62.  #62tinque on December 6, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Nikita – Nori sheets you can eat as is. Toast them lightly over the stove burner, takes seconds. You’ll see the sheet change color as it toasts.
    Or try to make sushi, not so easy but possible.
    Kelp can be used on anything, sprinkled on any grain or any savory dish for that matter. Soups too.

  63.  #63Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    “…and expect you to pull out the pots and pans and cook it. And polish his boots…”

    Oh no he won’t. He takes pride in doing those things himself. And I am his gypsy queen who he adores. I dance for him because it feels good to me, and I sing while I pick flowers and herbs and make potions and we warm each other by the campfire at night, watching our shadows against the trees.

  64.  #64Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Lucy – “I’m beginning to think this whole masc/fem thing is not at ALL black and white”

    Exactly….which is why I don’t “get” it quickly.
    Like ten minutes after a scenario…I’m like “oh, hey…dude was hitting on me maybe. Wow.”
    Social cues ain’t really my thing.
    I may be on the spectrum
    The energy changes too fast and random for me to keep up.

  65.  #65Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Same here, Jennifer. (I do “test” on the spectrum.)

    “The energy changes too fast and random for me to keep up.”

    Yeah, that’s why I’m thinking now that maybe it’s not real — that it IS just random. People are trying to put the energies in a box with labels on them.

    No more of that for me.

    No more labels.

    No more boxes.

    I feel free.

    I am free.

    I was always outside the boxes anyway. Why change now?

    Not all of me was broken.

  66.  #66Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    I didn’t respond to hockey man’s text yet, but I just got another one from him:

    “You know people do come into our lives for a reason. I hope I can be your reason. God has blessed you!”

    Okay, I don’t get what he means by “I hope I can be your reason” in relation to his first sentence. It doesn’t make logical sense to me. What am I missing?

  67.  #67Jennifer on December 6, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    hey Rori….
    how ’bout some tools for us girls who may be on da spectrum!
    I need em to be really concrete and measurable though.
    Cause I’m a green. So…um yeah…Spock is my hero!

  68.  #68Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Lol, yes, Jennifer, case in point — #64. I am racking my brain trying to connect his first two sentences logically and literally. But I can “hear” my far-less-logical daughter saying, “You know what he means — it doesn’t have to make sense!”

    But I’m stuck on trying to figure out what it means from a logical standpoint.

    I still want to know — does it make logical sense and why am I not seeing it?

  69.  #69Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    @61: Lucy says:
    “…’and expect you to pull out the pots and pans and cook it. And polish his boots…’
    Oh no he won’t. He takes pride in doing those things himself. And I am his gypsy queen who he adores. I dance for him because it feels good to me, and I sing while I pick flowers and herbs and make potions and we warm each other by the campfire at night, watching our shadows against the trees…”

    Okay. 😀


  70.  #70Patty on December 6, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Just discovered all of you, perfect timing! Widowed for 1.5 years after 30 years of marriage. Oct. 1 started online dating. Batting average 0-3. Last Friday, met #4.
    We had a great time and are planning to go out this weekend. My spouse was 22 years older, #4 is 63, I am 62. This relationship already feels different, love what I have read so far. Any advice ?

  71.  #71The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Oh –

    tinque, Lucy

    Not blak n white

    mr. B
    Is ruled by Venus (feminine)

    and as a Leo my sign is masculine(mars rules my chart) and w/ Scorpio ascendant to boot.

    But…..we r both traditional and have *chosen* our respective roles in the relationship. (read:uncluttered 😉

  72.  #72Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Lucy, I feel amused. You care about his feelings and yet you’re considering not going out with him again in order to save his feelings. Hmm. Do you see that disconnect? 😉 I THINK (wink wink) if you would be honest in the moment, things would shift. You’re right it isn’t black and white, but you are no more boy than me.

    You said you were going on and on and on and he was falling for you more and more. How about not guessing what he’s thinking and maybe NOT going on and on if don’t feel like it.

    Break the pattern. Say something that makes your heart panicky just for the heck of it. Just do it and see what happens. If he’s clearly not the one, what does it matter?

    Ok, retiring the boy hat.

    How does that feel? (Aside from the fact that I just told you what to do. 😉 )

  73.  #73Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    And my dad and brother don’t take B.S. from me at all. My attempts at pushing any masculine vibes towards them = FAIL. I have morphed both those relationships by interacting with them in a different way. I no longer try to be a part of their man club. I feel, they respond. Pretty funny actually.

  74.  #74Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Oh and Jennifer, I’m the same way. I am definitely an introvert by nature. Too many people and I get way overwhelmed and can’t keep up. It’s almost like watching a tennis match or worse a football game and I have no idea where the ball went. It feels much easier to keep up when I’m one on one.

  75.  #75Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    “I no longer try to be a part of their man club. I feel, they respond.”

    It has never felt like a “man club” with my dad and me. I guess that’s what I’m saying about the not black and white thing — my interactions with him don’t feel masculine or manly at all. It’s almost like, if I am pressed to use the masc/fem terms, my dad and I are each equal measures fem and masc energy.

  76.  #76Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Shannon, I feel kinda confused.

    “You care about his feelings and yet you’re considering not going out with him again in order to save his feelings.”

    I am considering going out with him again in order to save his feelings, not NOT going out with him.

    But, either way, I can’t save his feelings anyway, bc I’m just not feeling it for him and I can’t pretend I am for the rest of my life.

    I also feel confused about where I guessed what he’s thinking.

    And I went on and on bc I felt like it. I was just being myself, doing what I felt like for the most part.

    I feel scared that for some reason my response will trigger you. I don’t want to trigger you. And I do appreciate feedback.

    I did text him back a few minutes ago, “Yes, I feel open to going out again. 🙂 ”

    When I texted that, I felt heaviness in my heart. Still feel it. It is an honest statement — I feel “open” to it, as in, I will do it, maybe, if it works out…

    but it FEELS dishonest to me. I guess bc the word “open” can mean practically anything you want it to mean.

    Now the heaviness in my heart is turning into pain. 🙁

  77.  #77Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Oh. I feel confused. When you said “He likes me a LOT”, I assumed that was an assumption. 🙂

    So this seems to be a running pattern. How can you break the pattern? Why not say what exactly what you feel? Throw caution to the wind and say what you really mean?

    You write “I feel open” with a smiley face and then say you’re writing it with a heavy heart. It feels disconnected. I have been practicing the heck out of feeling messages with guys on POF, especially when I don’t feel a connection. Most guys appreciate it. “I don’t feel a connection” or “I don’t feel romantically attracted”. What do you think? I’m INVITING the panic in. Bring it on baby. And yet it feels incredibly safe. If I get back a response I don’t like… delete. Others I respond back again.

    What could you say specifically about the kiss? What would it feel like to rip off the bandaid and send a message about it?

  78.  #78Simply Shannon on December 6, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    And you can ignore what I’m asking if you want. I don’t want to trigger you further. I’m sorry you’re feeling heavy heart. I believe in you. I know you will have the relationship of your dreams. I predict you meet him in the next three months. Sending it out to the universe. Whoosh…

  79.  #79Lucy on December 6, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    thx shannon. feels good to hear your prediction! you are so right about the smiley face – definitely was pasted on. lol. i added it to unconsciously try to cover up the heavy heart vibe i felt in my words. No, him liking me a lot wasn’t an assumption – he said it several times in several different ways. Not sure what I would say about the kiss. what is the point in saying anything about it?

  80.  #80Katnina on December 6, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    The vice president thing scares me. I was raised to be always in control. I am scared to surrender.
    I get that it’s a dance, and as I a woman I should follow. Rather, I have the choice to follow his lead. It’s scary though.
    I’ve been Commander in chief of my life for as long as I can remember.
    Tinque, your post on your relationship with K inspires me.
    I want a man who I trust will make the right decisions for us. A man who will consider my happiness.
    A man who lives the saying ‘happy wife, happy life’

    I know he’s out there looking for me!
    Please guide him here.
    I feel ready to trust again.

  81.  #81Katnina on December 6, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Lucy!! I’m in the same boat on the kiss. Had a 2nd date last weekend with a guy from match, he was really nice and very gentlemanly but when he kissed me I almost gagged. I couldn’t think of what to say about it when he texted me after the date.
    But I figured feeling ‘ick!’ when a man kisses me is something I don’t want so I just leaned so far back when he texted me later in the week (replying nicely but curtly) and then didn’t respond when he texted me Friday.
    I feel like a meanie, but I didn’t want to go out with him again and be in a situation where he might kiss me again, so I just faded away.
    Sirens, what should I have done in this case?

  82.  #82Dorothea on December 6, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    my phone went off because i totally forgot to pay the bill and i really like the quiet and how no one can get a hold of me on my phone and i don’t have to worry about talking to anyone nor do i have to worry about whether any certain someones are bothering to call me or text me.

    i hate you, phone.

    i am so glad to have a break from you.

    bah humbug to you, phone.

    i rather like this quiet isolation. at least for tonight. ahhh i feel peaceful.

  83.  #83The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 8:27 pm


    I love Yerba mate !

    I have not had morning coffee in ten days?

    I jogged with my dog!!! me! (I’m not a jogger) the third day I was off coffee!

    Yay! Thx babe!!!!

    I feel Wonder Full 🙂

  84.  #84Becky on December 6, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    How do I send my own questions to Rori? I’m stumped with some dating stumbling blocks and don’t know how to work through them. Thanks and great article!

  85.  #85Dorothea on December 6, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    wow that is amazing TNS!
    i consume caffeine/stimulants once maybe 2x a month now. I have all these mate tea bags and nothing to do with them except share with guests. which is great because with my ‘restrictive’ diet (i put it in quotes cuz i feel like my new diet is actually setting me freeeee) I have nothing to offer the people who come to my home for visits.

    I highly recommend you try the loose stuff. it’s a different process but it’s a much sharper energy and concentration jolt. and not in a scary way.

  86.  #86The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Hehehe TNS.

    Is that tits and slits- rolflmao !!!!!!!!!!!

  87.  #87The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 8:41 pm


    Tits n stockings

  88.  #88The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 8:43 pm



    I bought the loose stuff today-

    Gonna brew it in la mañana 😉

  89.  #89Katnina on December 6, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Many people I have spoken with think I should contact phishman since I have rejected him 3 times now over the past year.
    I’m giving him time to step up & surprise me after our obvious mutual flirtation at a party on Friday. But if I don’t hear from him by next weekend, these are some possible texts I could send:
    ‘i feel awkward. I want to continue our conversation from last weekend. What do you think?’
    ‘i feel weird saying this. I want to hang out with you. What do you think?’
    Hmmmmm feels too leany forward.
    ‘i feel sad. I was distracted at the engagement party. I want to hang out and not be distracted. What do you think?’
    Still too leany forward.
    ‘i felt happy talking with you at e & c’s party. I want to hang out again. What do you think?’
    Can feeling statements be in past tense?
    Oh well.
    Just practice, not going to send now anyhow.
    Leeeaaaning back.

  90.  #90Lisa on December 6, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    In light of Rori’s president/vice president comment, I’m wondering what she thinks of the rising number of marriages where the woman is earning more than the man. Can these relationships be satisfying with the appropriate masculine/feminine balance?

    I am pretty smart, much smarter than many men I date. Recently I went out with an attorney who was humble but brilliant whom I could look up to and I did notice what a turn-on that was. I COULD imagine turning a lot over to him that I haven’t in other relationships. Food for thought…

  91.  #91Brenda on December 6, 2010 at 9:09 pm


    RE: #5 – I think there’s a diff between “conflict” and “arguing”. You can have conflict without arguing. And to me, that is the beauty of feeling messages.

    It is one of the things I liked most about Ryan: he never argued with me. But he most definitely made his opinions and feelings known, mostly in tactful ways. I told him he was an advanced lifeform.

    When we were around people arguing, we both felt extremely uncomfortable and never stayed long.

  92.  #92Brenda on December 6, 2010 at 9:14 pm


    RE: #81 – The easy way is to start a new handle or a new email and ask it. Rori always responds to your first post.

    Her assistant’s email is melanie@coachrori.com.

  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    @88: Brenda says:

    RE: #81 – The easy way is to start a new handle or a new email and ask it. Rori always responds to your first post.
    Her assistant’s email is melanie@coachrori.com.”

    I do not believe it is true Rori ALWAYS responds to first posts. I don’t remember receiving a response to my first post or any kind of hello, greeting, or salutation.

    Becky, if it is urgent and you don’t get a Rori response you could still learn a lot from the other posters or you could pretend to be somebody else and post again. So don’t wait around, make up another name; I suppose you’d have to get another e-mail address too but that’s pretty easy.


  94.  #94Brenda on December 6, 2010 at 10:07 pm


    That’s news to me. If she doesn’t, it is very rare when she doesn’t.

    In any case, ho-ho-ho! Bah! Humbug!

  95.  #95Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    @90: Brenda says:

    That’s news to me. If she doesn’t, it is very rare when she doesn’t.
    In any case, ho-ho-ho! Bah! Humbug!

    That figures, I’ve always been rare. It doesn’t matter, I’ll take what I need and go after what I want. I also figured out with this Rori post that I’m probably “doomed” and I’ll have to figure out a different way.

    Looks like “figure” and “doomed” are the words of the day or week, month? I’ll have to make a new design starting with that.

    I’ll make it fun even though I’m sad right now, there’s nothing else I can do.


  96.  #96Dorothea on December 6, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    what? why are you DOOMED? lol
    im the only one here that gets to be doomed to relationship hell. thanks!

  97.  #97Leo on December 6, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    Its a great morning (7.30a.m.) even though I havent slept so well. Stupid cold!
    I am busy tonight having a christmas party, and will be busy all day. I feel great about his.
    Today…I somehow feel in charge about my man. Is that a good thing or bad?!?! I mean…. I know now that even (or especially) when I am busy my man is gonna contact me and be super sweet. And also that he does also feel bad not seeing me or talking to me (just as I always felt).
    And this knowledge kinda makes me feel in charge, but I think in a leaning-back way though…

    And I still love my image, feel great about it…
    Me a pretty, colourful, gracious, elegant flower, and just by being this, being totally me, all those bees come over to ME, not to anyone else cause I am the prettiest!!!

    Feeling great!

  98.  #98Daria on December 6, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I used to feel triggered at the idea of not being equal president.

    That changed when I understood the depth of being feminine and the joy of letting a man take care of me.

    Most pertinent easy example … The joy of letting him pay for me.

  99.  #99Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Yeah, Daria, i feel the same way.
    I used to enjoy it sooo much when he took care of me, payed for everything. The simplest example is…when we walk arm in arm that I never used to pay attention to the road or whats on the ground. He guided me through!! And the past months I wanted to be in charge of myself…. But I enjoy it so much more him guiding me 😀
    I notice it when we are downtown shopping… I kinda live here for 2,5 years now (or for 1,5 year completely here). But still… I dont really know where everything is at 😀
    And i like it!!!!!!!!!!

  100.  #100The Nikita Show on December 6, 2010 at 11:22 pm


    u don’t need a new email, just do Becky #2 – change your name and u get into moderation

  101.  #101Daria on December 6, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    OMG I felt hella tired… Community service at the park was tiring but awesome… Gorgeous… Lots of men… I sang

    And I did PBS from T tapp and my back feels so much better now yay for taking care of me!

  102.  #102Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    “Today…I somehow feel in charge about my man. ..”

    “In charge” means you are doomed.


  103.  #103Senior Lady Vibe on December 6, 2010 at 11:46 pm


    “But still… I dont really know where everything is at
    And i like it!!!!!!!!!!..”

    I like knowing where things are, including prepositions…another sign of my “doom.” 😥


  104.  #104Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    @ SLV –
    I feel kina confused and weird about what you were saying, especially what you were trying to tell me with it.

    What about the “in charge” now?!

    And I feel kinda pissed and made fun of.
    And…yeah, i know prepositions arent supposed to sit at the end of sentences.
    But 1) English isn’t my mother tounge
    2) i study English and i feel happy about talking about languages. So when you feel like you want to discuss the matter of when something is wrong or right in a language (either: Someone makes the rules people have to follow, or the people make the rules by using the language) then please lemme know.

  105.  #105Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    and… btw:

    I do like knowing where at are places and things when I am by myself. But when I am with my man I like giving charge to him. I

  106.  #106Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    and… btw:

    I do like knowing where at are places and things when I am by myself. But when I am with my man I like giving charge to him. I enjoy letting go and just walking with him.

  107.  #107Leo on December 6, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    (sorry about the double post. It just happened…. didn’t do nothing)

  108.  #108Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 12:01 am

    @102 Leo

    If you could show sympathy and compassion for my being doomed it would be a great kindness.


  109.  #109Leo on December 7, 2010 at 12:08 am

    @ SLV –

    I feel really sorry for (obviously) misunderstanding your posts but I felt somewhat attacked and offended. Especially cause of post 98.

    I do generally understand the term “doomed” but maybe not correctly in this context.
    In my opinion nobody should feel doomed for everyone is in charge of him- or herself and is able to change this he or she isnt comfortable with.

    So again, I feel sorry for misunderstading your posts.

  110.  #110Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 12:10 am

    SLV, I hear that you feel doomed. And I believe that you feel that way.
    I also believe that by acknowledging that feeling, you are already on the road to changing it.
    ‘that which is not acknowledged can never be changed’ or something like that.
    I don’t know.
    But to me this feels like…
    And that feels powerful to me.

  111.  #111Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 12:17 am

    ok all you presidents…

    SLV ..In charge means you are doomed???

    No !! Be in charge and totally bossy at work , or with your kids or in management positions , committees etc, JUST DONT TELL MEN WHAT TO DO in your relationship.

    At home I want a yuuummy scrummy alpha man!!!

    We women tend to get very bossy with men and they seem to slip into girl energy to pacify us , or else they EXIT STAGE LEFT.

    I for one am VERY happy to have a soft place to fall . I want a man to be the Captain of my boat. If I truly am authentic and loving and open and I pick a man who is capable of relationship , then he will steer that boat on any course that increases my happiness . I will be leaning back enjoying the cool breeze and the warm sun and the wonderful ride Amen.

    If I dont like where he is steering I have choices. First I say how I feel. ” I feel uncomfortable doing that ” or “I feel sea sick ! “If he keeps steering round in circles then I can leave the boat if I wish. If he is disrespectful, or financially irresponsible ,or unfaithful etc then we do not stay in the same boat.

  112.  #112Lorelei on December 7, 2010 at 1:55 am

    Greetings from snowbound Western Europe.

    I have a question, for you style experts . . hope not too trivial in light of some much heavier concerns.

    I feel at a loss to know what to wear for daytime dates (first and second dates with WaveMan, and ZenMan, this week) when the temperature is below freezing, with ice or snow on the ground, and freezing fog in the air. Both dates will probably include some walking outside, as well as coffee/lunch/whatever.

    I want to feel Sireny and gorgeous, but that feels tricky when I literally need (as today): 1 vest, 2 t-shirts, I sweater, and another long cardigan, and that’s just the top half!

    I feel woolly, layered, bulky, and shivery still. I feel the cold a lot, but wearing all these layers doesn’t make me feel slim (I’m fairly slim), or sexy, or Sireny.

    Hmm, I bet Tina Turner never has this problem.

  113.  #113Lorelei on December 7, 2010 at 1:57 am

    I feel that Siren-y-ness may come more from the inside than the outside, but what I wear has a big impact on how I feel about myself.

  114.  #114Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 2:22 am

    And SLV ultimately of course we are totally in charge of our selves and what we accept.

    We are only doomed if we dont open to true intimacy and the associated risk.

    To me, giving over some control to the other is the definition of relating . Of course this creates FEAR especially if we were hurt in the past .

    This fear serves its protective function. I used to feel doomed to repeating my mistakes over and over till I started to really sink into these feelings.. Now I feel hopeful… 🙂

  115.  #115Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 2:25 am

  116.  #116Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 2:57 am

    Hi Lorelei ,

    I appreciate the problem , but Its one I never faced. I cannot help on a practical level.

    I am currently in sun dresses and sexy little tops (as much as recent surgery allow) and I do empathise , but I wonder how much clothing HE must also be wearing!!!

    THINK of yourself AS IF you were in a low cut stylish little dress when you meet ..maybe that will help.

  117.  #117Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 3:11 am

    SLV, I forgot to thank you for the circular needle idea-very smart! I will try it for my next project.

  118.  #118Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Rosa, I love this:
    ‘We are only doomed if we dont open to true intimacy and the associated risk.’

    I feel hopeful reading that line.
    I feel like I’m ready to open up again & face the risk.
    I can surrender.

  119.  #119Lorelei on December 7, 2010 at 3:29 am

    Rosa – hi (112)

    thanks – that’s a good thought – to imagine myself wearing something pretty or slinky . .

    Another idea I just had was to wear a nice, flowy dress under the sweaters, so that something flowy is visible – even if it’s over jeans or leggings. I often wear dresses over jeans in daytime – it dresses up the jeans and dresses down the dress, so this may be the way to go.

    I’m glad to hear you’re now at home and wearing your pretty dresses and tops in the sunshine! I’ve not had time to join the blog the last week, though have more time this week, will be doing some reading to catch up.

    Hope everything is mending well, and that the leaning back is getting good results with the men – it’s certainly a revelation how men respond to the tools.

  120.  #120Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Thank you Lorelei,

    Its about how you feel in what you are wearing , na I think pastel , soft and flowing soemwhere is good.

    Tomorrow I am meeting G-man in the city and he is coming back to my place for 2 days. Sucha a long history , and he is only tied to my saddle these days , but it feels special anyway.

    I am also considering what to wear.
    Have settled for Curvaceaous Audrey Hepburn pedal pushers with sexy purple silk top and Italian leather flatties , very cute shoes with gemstone trim. Still considering white broderie top , and i have a cream lace number up my sleeve for my birthday dinner on Thursday. I just LOVE dressing for a man ..

    It really gets me into my feminine energy when i start clothing try ons and sample parfums…yaaayy , I love my femininity!!! I am also so feminine I choose to ignore my mastectomy . My new babe is gorgeous, and my BRAIN cant tell the difference. in 3 months I will have a new nipple coloured to match ..how amazing is that??? !!!!

  121.  #121Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 5:14 am

    Thank you Katnina,

    I am only now seeing all the opening I never did .

    My ex was on my doorstep today . We divorced 8 yrs ago after 16 yrs of sterile painful marriage.

    I found myself CRYING in front of him , to my consternation , after he asked about the surgery.
    I realised I had never shared my feelings, I was clueless and young.

    I love Roris work for this one thing . Though there are many other gems in her advice. FEELING messages will change everything. I see this now. With G-man i see it. With my ex husband I see it. With my future partner I can only imagine at this stage.

    Thank you Katnina. My Max sends your puppy lotsa licks and snorks and snuffly love.

  122.  #122Rosa on December 7, 2010 at 5:28 am


    “Is there a better pool of fish in Australia? What do you think?”

    No , the population averages are about the same.
    But its all free experience..a chance to define what i want, practice feeling messages and flirting , and soon maybe EYE CONTACT with day to day contacts..I so struggle with that and you cant practice it online.

    I do it all day professionally , and am GOOD at it but in personal situations i look away and at the floor, I disappear.

    HELP sirens!

  123.  #123Daria on December 7, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Lorelei – take a look at some snow Goddesses and what they wear. I was very inspired by Buryat women… I saw pictures in a book… I then began to feel comfortable imagining myself as a goddess this way. About being Comfortable And beautiful.

    I can wear my unconventional patterns, my powerful jewelry, my hat matching my fluffy boots.

    Look up pictures of women living I’m cold environments… Especially pictures of women in traditional dress and special occasion dress. What makes them look powerful and beautiful?

  124.  #124Darling Ella on December 7, 2010 at 6:54 am


    Wish you a wonderful time with G-man….Hope for you the best of what u could be 🙂 Warm hugs,

  125.  #125Darling Ella on December 7, 2010 at 6:55 am

    I love the post Rori 🙂 Awesome timing 🙂


  126.  #126Darling Ella on December 7, 2010 at 6:58 am

    SLV #89:

    I agree with you… Rori doesn’t always responds 🙁 I didn’t get a welcome greeting either…

    I admit, I felt ignored in a few occasions…:(

    But, indeed the sirens help a lot other sirens 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  127.  #127Brenda on December 7, 2010 at 8:19 am


    RE: #91 – I’ll bet you a nickel that if you post under a new email address or handle, Rori will give you a personal reply.

  128.  #128Brenda on December 7, 2010 at 8:20 am

    Darling Ella,

    I’ll make you the same bet! 🙂

  129.  #129Brenda on December 7, 2010 at 8:22 am


    I was reading a book recently about women reclaiming their power throughout history. The first woman supreme court judge wore a hat to distinguish herself!

    I think hats are back in! 🙂

  130.  #130Rachel on December 7, 2010 at 9:43 am


    I also live in a COLD environment … upstate NY almost in Canada … and I totally understand that bulky, bundled feeling! I almost waddled the other day when I had on double long johns to go cut a Christmas tree! ha!

    Thinking of a date … I would focus on colors and textures that make me feel radiant, luxurious and beautiful. For me, I love rich warm greens or burgundies. I have one soft, mocha-colored sweater than hangs beautifully and is very WARM! I have seen several nice new sweater designs that are flowy with ruffles and exude an air of mystery and femininity. Don’t think “grandma” cardigan or sweatshirt!! NO NO NO

    If you’re going to be outside for awhile, a thin (silky) long john type legging under your pants can make a huge difference! The silky ones are really warm and don’t bulk you up.

    As for outerwear … I love to wear an adorable hat, scarf, mitten set. If everything else is covered up by a winter coat, then use a color of scarf or hat that really accents your eye color.

    And remember … showing skin in a sundress isn’t the only way to inspire a man! (Although it’s a great way and I’m freezing my tushie off up here and would love to wear a sundress and sandals right now!)

    Being bundled up and cute shows a different side of your “siren-ness” … a more playful, fun-loving, toss- a-snowball side! And it can inspire a man’s protective nature. You may just find him slipping an arm around you or offering you a nice hot mug of coffee as you stroll.

    Have FUN! Don’t forget to catch a snowflake on your tongue! Let us know how it goes!

  131.  #131Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 9:44 am

    #39 Jennifer–

    Oh my. I used to know a man who referred to me as

    “a guy with tits”.

    I never really knew if that was a compliment or not.
    I think or maybe I wanted to believe that it was like him saying I was a “cool girl” like CC says.

    But something else told me it was prolly a put down.
    As in not very girlie girl like…………..

    But he was kind of an alpha male jerk off, so I never really let me bother me.

    These days I am working on being more of a girl with tits.

    However as SLV says, I could be doomed………..xxoo crack me up OMG……..doomed!

    It reminds me of a picture I saw of a rather large house cat creeping up on a tiny little mouse and the photo caption was one word “Doomed”. LOL

  132.  #132Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

    As far as being the “vice president”. Depending on the man, it is fine.

    I see this stuff as learning how to operate differntly in our lives in all relationships, not just the love thang.

    I know for me, when I can “let go” and not be in control then I have more control. It’s when I try and “be in charge” and be in control that I have less control.

    The person in charge is actually more stressed. When I finally realized (internalized) that letting go was so much freer, easier, felt more relaxed and I actually felt better when I did this, then things in life got better. We do things without expecting outcomes (the RR way) and that is being in control without being in control, if that makes any sense. This almost feels very Budda-ish but I have no issue with that.

    I do this with my friends as well. I try and just let go and let them be who they are and not expect them to do or behave like I want them to. And if they do not behave in a way that is in congruence with my values then we are not friends. I am free to may other choices. But trying to change my friends is silly. It doesn’t work. And yet we women try and do it all the time with men, and yet not our girlfriends. Why? Why indeed. Ugh. I am a work in progress and maybe not totally “doomed”!. he he he luv you SLV….seriously I KNOW how you feel. xxoo

  133.  #133Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Lorelei, silkies are wonderful! They are thin and warm and breathable — wear them under your other clothes — and there are all kinds — leggings, camis, long sleeve shirts, glove liners, etc. I’ve seen them in black, white, and pink, and I have several pieces. They feel feminine and sensual to wear.

  134.  #134tinque on December 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Yes, Turtle Girl, YES!!!


  135.  #135Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Ella #25

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you darlin’
    NOT A THING. If you opened yourself up to a man and you feel foolish, then you just need to keep doing it until you no longer feel foolish. or if it is something that you should not have said, then lesson learned. And Next!

    I have said so many things in my life that if I had a dollar for every time I said something foolish, I would be rich. And not only that, some of the greatest people in history have been considered fools by other people. So be a fool! Good for you!
    I personally happen to have a soft spot in my heart for big ole’ fools. xxoo

  136.  #136tinque on December 7, 2010 at 9:58 am

    I’ve silkies in red and purple too, sexy camis though long janes look silly no matter what. shrug.

    Another option for dressing sexy in the cold is over the knee boots over thick wooly tights, maybe with a pattern, and tight mini skirt or dress, a warm one of course.

    I love the cute hat, scarf, mittens set idea.


  137.  #137tinque on December 7, 2010 at 9:59 am

    oops *seen silkies…

  138.  #138Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 10:00 am

    “Depending on the man, it is fine.” (TG)

    That’s the bottom line.

    “I try and just let go and let them be who they are and not expect them to do or behave like I want them to.”

    I love this line — this is what I have in my heart for the man I will be with (if there is one).

  139.  #139Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Oh and Tinque-

    Was it you who posted that beautiful red sweater on an earlier post? I think so, anyway, wow!

    Anyway it was so incredibly beautiful I got all jazzed up and decided to learn how to knit. I have a class scheduled in about a week for beginning knitting and one of my girlfriends is going too. Cool beans!

  140.  #140Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Hey Lucy girl! Nice to see you! Big hug!xxoo

  141.  #141Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Thanks, Turtle Girl! 😀

  142.  #142tinque on December 7, 2010 at 10:05 am

    No TG it was Miss M. I posted another one in white which I want to make in block colors though SLV is discouraging me for my first time out in a LONG time. Maybe I’ll make it in red since it’s my favorite color, a deep cherry red.

    Kat or SLV, where do I buy supplies? Needles and yarn and maybe a primer book. Do either of you know of a good online source.


  143.  #143Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Ah yes, Miss Mercedes, of course. You both have really good taste. I remember that purse you posted up once. It was fabbo!

    You know there is a saying-clothes make the man.

    I really believe that if we wear girlie stuff it makes us feel more girlie and our behavior is affected.
    Kind of like why lesbians wear man clothes. They feel more manly in them. This really does work I think. I have always dressed “like a boy” jeans, etc. but have been trying to get away from that in baby steps.

  144.  #144tinque on December 7, 2010 at 10:18 am

    TG – Jeans can look very sexy and girly. Wear them with a beautiful blouse or tight T-shirt, some jewelry, pretty shoes, preferable heels, and my fabbo bag.

  145.  #145Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 10:32 am

    “Don’t think “grandma” cardigan or sweatshirt!! NO NO NO”

    I’m a grandmother. I will be wearing cardigans. I will be looking fab. YES YES YES.

    I don’t usually wear sweatshirts but if I can find a way to rip and deconstruct them I might consider them for next year. Thinking about it… I’ve got a few from Columbia and don’t wear them…nice fabric…they might be good for stuffed animals or something.


  146.  #146Rachel on December 7, 2010 at 11:05 am

    SLV …

    Oops! I love grandmas and cardigans! It’s just that I’ve seen a few “grandma cardigans” that would definitely not look fab on a date! I’m sure you would never wear the ones I’m picturing either! 😉


  147.  #147Lorelei on December 7, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Thanks everyone for style advice . . there is a cute, wrapped up warm, fun-in-the snow look that feels like the way to go. Probably tights jeans, over-knee suede boots, and whatever layers I need up on the top, and topped off with a very cute, tie-fastening, red coloured patterned cardigan (tied tight to show off whatever figure remains after all the layers) which has cozy nights in front of a log fire “written all over it.” And my fun hat with pompom and Heidi plaits!

    Definitely no Granny cardigans!! I don’t know about silkies – not sure we have them over here – but will look them up.

    Have been wondering about some rather sexy underwear as well, which will not be at all visible, these are only first and second dates, but for undercover sexiness, I would know, even if he didn’t . . . Mmmm.

  148.  #148Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

    @138: tinque says:

    “No TG it was Miss M. I posted another one in white which I want to make in block colors though SLV is discouraging me for my first time out in a LONG time. Maybe I’ll make it in red since it’s my favorite color, a deep cherry red.
    Kat or SLV, where do I buy supplies? Needles and yarn and maybe a primer book. Do either of you know of a good online source. ”

    I haven’t bought yarn in a while…used to have a large stash which, like a fool, I ditched a year ago.

    You could try here. I’ve never bought yarn online. I’ve bought from this store and the annual hotel sale.

    Maybe there was some confusion, I RECOMMEND you MAKE the snowbird pattern!!! Funny thing I showed it to my daughter DDIL and we both were thinking of dark red… 😆 She already has a long dark red cardigan, similar…very chic. Looks great over black top and pants.

    I also mentioned that I would not be trying that beautiful long red cabled cardigan, it’s way too difficult for me. The SNOWBIRD seems to be (I haven’t seen the pattern) knit one row, purl one row.

    I’ve made top down raglan sweaters and they are a pleasure to make. My all time favorites are a couple of top down raglan pullovers I made for my son when he was about a year old…long time ago!

    It’s just that SNOWBIRD is kind of long and has smaller needles. That’s cool. I’ve used six 6 and size 4 also but for children’s sweaters. Tiny sweaters knit up much faster, that’s all.

    The last sweater I knit for myself was a long time ago and I was a smaller size. Since you are small, you will have lots fewer stitches. Go for it!

    SNOWBIRD is a fab cardigan. I will be making something like it; I’m already thinking of a few modifications: I’d probably make thin seed stitch borders for the edges, as the ones in photo seemed to curl.

    Also I might make some button holes for two or three faux jewel buttons, placing real buttons on underside, big fashion buttons on outside for appearance only.

    I am starting with some swatches. Maybe I’ll do a big project like this in January. In meantime, I will do the “Anthropologie headwrap” knock off aas soon as I get a skein of some kind of “chunky” yarn. might make a scarf or two just because I need a few.

    I can usually make a simple garter stitch scarf while I watch TV. I am out of practice so need some quick projects to step it up. Taking on a huge project at first doesn’t work for me.

    I like “quick start small” projects for instant success. A simple scarf with worsted yarn and size 10-/2 or 11 needles works up very quickly and looks OK, simple and keeps my neck warm… a good first project for me this winter. No pattern needed!


  149.  #149Last Romantic on December 7, 2010 at 11:20 am

    I recieve your free news letters and have bought your book but I am still struggling with my relationship/friendship.
    I met this guy from out of town and we have been texting and calling back and forth for like 4 months now. He is extremely busy all the time with his job and travels a lot for work. When he has free time he usually spends it with his two kids so there is no time left for me because he won’t introduce me to his kids. I finally told him last week that I wanted a relationship with someone who was looking to get married later on down the road and knew where I was headed and if he wasn’t interested in that kind of relationship to let me know and we could part as friends. He said he wasn’t sure about marriage because we live 6 hours apart and we would stay in touch and talk about what we wanted. He has not called me or texted since but he said he needed to think about it. I don’t know what to do to get him to put me first and turn this around. Please help!!

  150.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

    @142: Rachel says:

    “SLV …
    Oops! I love grandmas and cardigans! It’s just that I’ve seen a few “grandma cardigans” that would definitely not look fab on a date! I’m sure you would never wear the ones I’m picturing either! …”

    Oh,… I might! Probably do. I want those little old men to feel comfy with me, snuggle up and all… :lol Oh, yeah, I frequently don’t wear anything under mine… 😉

    Note: My grandchildren are forbidden, on pain of no dessert, to EVER call me “grandma.”


  151.  #151tinque on December 7, 2010 at 11:28 am

    SLV – I understand SLV, and I agree with you. In the long run simple patterns never go out of style, and you never tire of them.

    How do you make the borders like you suggest? I noticed the curling too. Maybe I could crochet an edge?
    That I know how to do.

    And buttonholes?

    Oh I want to make this so badly.


  152.  #152Jilly on December 7, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Hey Sirens 🙂

    I loved this post…i’ve told a few of the women about Rori and what being a siren is…I love it when they catch on and say “This stuff really works!!” and they are so happy.

    I want to tell a story and I hope if “she” reads this she understands I’m just sharing how awesome this stuff is 🙂
    Anyway this woman was calling her boyfriend of 5 YEARS everynight to give the latest and being the first to say I love you and one night towards the end of our trip she asked “Do you miss me?” and she received no answer..I was right there…as soon as she got off the phone her feelings were obviously hurt and I said…”we need to talk….” and we talked for hours about “not being a man manager” lol and we came up with a plan for her to express her feelings and be a siren and things started turning around for her within a few days and are still going great!!

    I love that!!

  153.  #153Jilly on December 7, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Sorry…that story might not make sense lol ive had alot of coffee this morning lol!!

    I went on a trip with 2 women I work with for two weeks to Oahu, Maui and Kauai!!…and while we were gone…(continue with story above 😉

  154.  #154Jilly on December 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Soo…I have a dilemma..

    I am seeing this pipeliner guy who was working in my same town and got transfered…well he surprised me by saying he’s on his way and will be to my house today and will stay til Thursday..I feel super excited he’s totally stepped up..he’s a “real man” in everyway..I feel really good with him…we’ve had the no girlfriend speech…anyway…

    tomorrow night I’m going to this raw food nutrition class that this cute skier guy has asked to go with me and I’ve been looking forward to it…:)

    so with pipeliner staying with me…do I still go to this class? (he knows I’ve been planning on it…but he doesn’t know about skier guy going too)

    What do you guys think?

  155.  #155tinque on December 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

    SLV – How is silk yarn to work with? I don’t do well with wools, cashmere, irritates my skin. Look at this. The red one. Also how many skeins would I need.



  156.  #156AmberS on December 7, 2010 at 11:59 am


    I am feeling scared while I write this post. I am going to start by saying that we have a similar background with the strict parents and their need to be a good witness for others. I have read your previous posts about some of that with my chest feeling heavy & clinched up because of my own experiences.

    I am not sure where your relationship is with them now, but I feel curious about you wanting to find a man like your dad. I am exploring my feelings around this in my own heart, because while I respect my own dad for living his beliefs, I don’t share the beliefs. Also because I tended to see my own dad as being controlled (in his behavior) somewhat by my mother. It was easier for me to blame her (she’s dead) and excuse him to myself than to accept his responsibility for his behaviors.

    I feel nervous posting this because I have had trouble ‘hearing’ you when we’ve interacted in the past. We don’t process in a similar fashion. I just wanted to say that for my life this is warranting a second, third, fourth, fifth look… Lots of internal work happening here for me…

  157.  #157Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 12:04 pm


    I knit a project every few years… 😆 Definitely do only easy stuff, not an expert knitter by ANY means.

    Seed stitch is more or less knit one, purl one and then on the next row, the knit st which is a ‘purl’ gets another knit. It’s hard to imagine from the description. If you knit one, purl one and do the opposite on the back side you get a rib but if you do the same you get little bumps… do you know what I mean? And it lays flat.

    I don’t like seed stitch because I knit American and am constantly throwing the yarn so it’s slow and bothersome… but OK for short sprints…

    I’ve never used all silk yarn, I’m somewhat allergic to wool also. That’s why i’m going to spend some time making some swatches. I’d like some kind of blended yarn maybe.

    A simple button hole can be made by binding off a number of stitches and then on the next row casting on the same number of stitches, this creates an opening.

    I usually follow what the pattern says for yardage and I add a skein just in case. For a big project like the SNOWBIRD I would probably add two. Most yarn stores say you can return but I always take so long to do a project I feel funny about returning a skein and I never do…and so the stash grows. It’s nice to have some extra yarns for stuff.

    Do you have stash? I’ll look at link soon, must run back out now…

    I’ve become addicted to Ravelry… 😛

  158.  #158tinque on December 7, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Another thing, sorry to keep asking so questions SLV, but what size circular needles would I want for this? They run all the way from 9″ to 60″.


  159.  #159tinque on December 7, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Yes I understand the seed stitch. So this would be for around the ends of the sleeves, yes? And I understand the buttonholes. Thank you so much. You have far more knowledge than I, so in my book you are the expert. I don’t plan on doing anything complicated either.

    Ah I just had a brilliant idea. My friend who is staying at my house in LA knows how to knit and very well. I’ll ask her to show me casting off and on.

    Thank you again. Have fun dashing.


  160.  #160Simply Shannon on December 7, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Jilly, I’d definitely go to the class! So what if Piperline Man is staying with you. So what if Skier Guy is going to be there. Would it feel good to go to the class?

  161.  #161Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    No worries, Amber, I totally get what you are saying.

    Here’s the scoop: My dad deeply regrets many of the things he did as a father that hurt me. He has grown a lot since I was younger, and our relationship now is really beautiful.

    My ex-h is very much like my MOTHER, which I didn’t realize until the past few years. And marrying him fits with that theory that you marry a person who is like the parent you are trying to heal past wounds with. My relationship with my mom is still kinda strained — she admits that she simply doesn’t understand me. And it seems like she doesn’t really like me, either — while my dad clearly both likes me and understands me.

    So, I have done the work to heal most of my own issues in relation to both parents, and therefore no longer are run by that unconsciously.

    Wanting a man like my dad is a conscious choice based on his character, personality, and energy.

    That said, I don’t want a man Exactly like my dad. He is still a bit too fundamentalist in his faith for my liking.

    About a year ago, I had a series of three first dates with men who were very much like my dad on the surface, and it was kinda funny bc everything they said I was thinking “wow, just like my dad!” But it was all surface similarities and helped me clarify the traits that I do and don’t want in a man. They were lacking the deeper similarities — the character, personality, and energy that I like.

    Really, I feel weird saying this, but what it amounts to — given the similarities btwn my dad and me — is that I want a man like ME. A male version of me. Not exactly like me, but similar where it matters.

  162.  #162Mercedes on December 7, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Jeanne says: “Conflict is unavoidable unless the couple agrees over every single thing, and not only is that unlikely but pretty unhealthy (and boring). It’s how we DEAL with conflict that matters.”

    Then Rori says: “To be blunt – bullshit.

    Conflict is NOT unavoidable, and conflict-free life is NOT boring.
    conflict comes out of everyone wanting their way, everyone wanting to be right, everyone being afraid of what will happen if they don’t get their way.”

    WOW! When Tinque and I said it we were being “unrealistic”. When Rori says it…it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now I wish I had used the word “bullshit”…would have saved me a lot of typing! 🙂 LOL

    And Rori didn’t even use a feeling message… 😉

    (Sorry…just had to have a little fun with the irony…)

    Much Love,

  163.  #163AmberS on December 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm


    Thank you. That feels so good to read!

    My mom & I had a conversation while she was dying where she basically said the same thing- she didn’t understand me at all, and I “was never like the other kids”. She apologized and we let go of each other in a much better place.

    My dad is an ongoing process. He stayed with me for a week this past summer and that was a huge breakthrough for me. The work I did leading up to the visit and the difference it made in our interactions while he was here have completely changed everything about our relationship. I’m amazed every day at the differences.

    Thank you for sharing here. I really appreciate your openness. I feel happy reading about your relationship with your dad. Smiles and relief both.

    Hope you’re having a cozy day 🙂

  164.  #164Jilly on December 7, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Thanks Simply Shannon 🙂 Going to the class would feel good! That’s what I want to do.

    it’s funny the different responses a woman gets depending on the women. I had to take a break from siren island and the tools for a little bit and feel my way through some situations and having done that I can see how much this really works for me and my life in ALL areas. I feel so happy and warm and thankful for having come across this information 🙂

    I told my sister in law my predicament and she said call the skier guy and tell him you cant go and that you’d love to get together again later in the week and don’t be afraid to pursue him either! she said “I know you have issues pursuing men” lol I said “I know I do” 😉

    But that option doesn’t feel good to me. Keeping my plans with skier guy and my life going feels good to me 🙂

    just a little story….I’ve been talking in alot of feeling messages lately and pipeliner man was saying really sweet things and I said..”I feel warm and melty inside when I hear those things” and he said…
    “I feel warm and mushy too” LOL!!!!! It was sooo dang CUTE!! He didn’t even know how cute he sounded 🙂

  165.  #165Simply Shannon on December 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Isn’t it funny Jilly? I’ve heard “I feel” come out of so many people’s mouths lately. Guys and girls alike.


    Nice. LOL!

  166.  #166Simply Shannon on December 7, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Hehe! Mercedes, I’m adding “bullshit” to my list of non-explaining answers:

  167.  #167Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    @153: tinque says:
    “Another thing, sorry to keep asking so questions SLV, but what size circular needles would I want for this? They run all the way from 9″ to 60″…

    Don’t bother buying a circular needle for a project until you have the pattern, it usually states suggested needle sizes and length. The larger the needles and the longer, the more they cost.

    If you want to just futz around get a size 8 or 9 about 24′ or 26′ long I think it is–I’ve had needles so long forgotten exact length. I think the longest I have is 32 (maybe 36?) I can hardly imagine one 60″ ??? That’s long!

    Hmm, those must be for those stripey scarves that were popular a few years; they were knitted horizontally, fringe end to fringe end, using the length of the needle, or maybe those are for bedspreads…seems so long,, 😀

    The little ones are for necklines, for people like me who have a dread of double pointed needles. There is also a technique for using two circulars instead of dps. I haven’t learned this. I don’t do socks or any of those things. Hats, scarves, afghans, the odd simple sweater, that’s it for me.

    I think if all the sirens took up knitting, they’d find it easier to “lean back” instead of texting, phoning, IM and e-mail.


  168.  #168Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Oh the divine Miss M….Mercedes……..

    # 157—-love it! Of course you don’t have guru status. chortle smirk chortle…..

    someone said to me that GURU stands for “Gee you are you” —our own authority. I likes it my precious……

  169.  #169Turtle Girl on December 7, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Bravo! Four or five words and no explaining! Super!

  170.  #170Rachel on December 7, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Yay!!! I just had an all-afternoon texting session with Soccer Dad. He came back … just as you all said he would!

    And I felt calm, leaned back and open all through it. And now that it has stopped, I feel ok and not anxious or worried about when I’ll hear from him again.

    I love seeing growth in myself! I feel happy that I didn’t “blow this one” by leaning forward and pursuing him … even though there were a few days I had to practically sit on my hands to keep from calling or texting! Maybe this knitting thing isn’t such a bad idea!!

  171.  #171Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    @154: tinque says:
    “Yes I understand the seed stitch. So this would be for around the ends of the sleeves, yes? …”

    I was thinking about the hem; I don’t know about the sleeves, they looked kind of like there was a cuff that could be turned back, anyway sleeves looked kind of lonnnng, like for little Neanderthal girl… LOL LOL 😆

    The good thing about knitting from the top down is the cuff end of the sleeve is knitted last as is the bottom of the garment so I can decide then if I want to add something there or fold it up, crochet like you said etc.

    I bet your knitter friend will teach you all kinds of tricks. I think I saw this pattern mentioned grafting…I don’t do that either but think I could.


  172.  #172Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    oops 😳

  173.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    163: Turtle Girl says:

    “…someone said to me that GURU stands for “Gee you are you” —our own authority. I likes it my precious”

    I guess that makes me “GIMME.” Gee, I’m me.


  174.  #174Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    WOW Rori this post is AWESOME!

  175.  #175Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Amber- glad you feel good about it. 🙂

  176.  #176Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Mercedes — I’m not trying to stir up trouble, but from my perspective, Rori is saying something different from what you and Tinque were saying. I see a big difference between “conflict” and “compromise.” In fact, I would say that compromise is often what allows people to avoid conflict.

    So… that goes back to what I said during the original debate (or whatever it was) — my impression at the time was that it was a problem of semantics — that everyone actually agreed more than they disagreed, but the words were meaning different things to different people. And now, that hunch seems to be confirmed since from your perspective you and Rori mean the same thing. 🙂

  177.  #177Lucy on December 7, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I kinda wish I hadn’t written that last post, bc it’s really not important and might cause trouble. 🙁 Sorry.

  178.  #178Mercedes on December 7, 2010 at 3:45 pm


    I don’t think it’s going to cause any trouble. From my perspective and in my relationship there is no compromise nor is there conflict…it just flows. But that’s us. I can’t really speculate on whether or not Rori would agree with that.

    Much Love,

  179.  #179tinque on December 7, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    I ditto that Miss M.

  180.  #180Ella on December 7, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Tinque re 180 on previous thread.

    Yes please I would really like you to recommend me some healing exercises for vagina.

  181.  #181Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    as far as this post…i’m really getting what Rori is saying, like i’m doing better than i think i am because yesterday in a business talk about an issue that comes up a lot i used to CRINGE thinking of bringing up the topic, he used to totally go on the defensive and then would WANT TO FIGHT with me even if i would say, please, i don’t want to fight. here is the jist of how i handled this hot button issue:

    “anyway, so she asked me and i said i didn’t know how you felt about that so let me know and i’ll tell her when i speak with her later. just be nice, ok? LOL”

    simple and nice…completely diffused an issue that I almost walked away from our working relationship over…let alone the positive impact and the respect he now feels for me on many levels.

  182.  #182Dorothea on December 7, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    feeling sure of myself
    which actually feels somewhat shaky
    a lot shaky

  183.  #183Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    so, today, i had a positive feeling message i gave him and even though maybe it wasn’t perfect after i felt really peaceful so i know it was a step in me managing our relationship while he steers the ship:

    “thank you for telling me that…i feel happy about that and i feel cared for. thank you. xoxo”

    isn’t that so sweet???!!!

  184.  #184Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    and i have decided to out myself so you ladies can hear some of my music. you will love it because it comes from what rests in our hearts in the knowing that as we are steadfast in our visions…it will come to pass and i am living proof…

    plus one of my friends, Mario Souleye, just married Alanis Morrisett and she has been very open about her awakenings and growth through working with another relationship coach. and now she is having a baby with him.

    we can do it. here is the link:


    listen to “We’re In This Together”


  185.  #185Dorothea on December 7, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    yay thank you for sharing!!!

    i like the song mama said a lot. it reminds me of my favorite bar in Denver, where i could always go and not drink and still have a great time, even by myself.

  186.  #186Dorothea on December 7, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    thank you for provoking that happy memory with your music! it’s just what i needed right now.

  187.  #187Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Dorothea: warms my heart xoxoxoxo

  188.  #188Soul Sista on December 7, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    …and you can friend me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/brenda.brewer.soul.sista.shakti

  189.  #189Dorothea on December 7, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I just sent you a friend request. I feel excited to connect with the sirens on facebook!

  190.  #190Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Hi tinque,
    My mom & I both like http://www.knitpicks.com for buying yarn online. They have good prices and really high quality yarns.
    They also sell interchangeable circular needles and cables so you can use the same needles with different length cables, or different gauge needlse with the same cables. I haven’t tried them but they look cool!
    I will look at the pattern later to give you my opinion on which length circular needles I would choose.
    I love going to knitting stores to feel the yarn, and the emplyees are usually expert knitters and can help with questions on needle size, pattern adjustments, etc.
    They sometimes have project tables where you can work on your knitting along with other knitters and the employees can help if you get stuck! (buttonholes are an issue for me)
    I know you are near NYC, here are a couple stores that I’ve had good experiences at:
    Gotta knit 14 e34th st
    Lion brand yarn studio 34 w 15th st.
    Happy knitting!

  191.  #191Daria on December 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Alanis morissete works with Margaret Paul from inner bonding!

    I feel excited goddess soul susta is letting herself be seen!

  192.  #192Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    @185: Katnina says:

    “…My mom & I both like http://www.knitpicks.com for buying yarn online…”

    Checking it out… 😀

    Do you have anything “currently on needles?”


  193.  #193Rori Raye on December 7, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Pegg – go straight to support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com and/or Rori@havetherelationshipyouwant.com – so sorry, and I think things happen to the discs in some scanners during shipping – they’ll help you right away…Love, Rori

  194.  #194Rori Raye on December 7, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Welcome Patty – you’re doing great! Love, Rori

  195.  #195Rori Raye on December 7, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Lisa, Welcome, and yep. Love, Rori

  196.  #196The Nikita Show on December 7, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Whoa! Look what I found,


    227: Rori Raye says:

    Maria, So sorry – and next time – no sex until the 3-month mark, okay? He just lost interest, and there’s nothing you can do. Move on and Circular Date, please. Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 7 December 2010 @ 7:47pm

  197.  #197Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    ‘I think if all the sirens took up knitting, they’d find it easier to “lean back” instead of texting, phoning, IM and e-mail.’
    you and tinque have inspired me to start a new knitting project. Maybe a ‘stashbuster.’
    Something small and portable.
    I feel excited to pick up my needles again. Haven’t felt inspired to in almost 9 months!
    Thank you both!
    P.s i have found double pointed needles aren’t as scary when i use tips on them so the stitches can’t fall off. And bamboo ones feel so good in my hands!

  198.  #198Senior Lady Vibe on December 7, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    @196: Katnina says:
    “…P.s i have found double pointed needles aren’t as scary when i use tips on them so the stitches can’t fall off…”

    Excellent! Thanks for the tip. You’d think I’d have thought of that…but never! I finally forced my self to complete two “garments” with dps. hahaha They were two miniature sweater egg cozies 😆

    Can anything beat the needlework horror of having a dp fall to the floor exposing a row of loops…? 😯 Still I suppose that’s better than dropping a stitch in one of those intricate lacy patterns. I don’t do those.


  199.  #199Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    I feel weird.
    Just looked up mr fireman on facebook (we aren’t fb friends) and his picture is the same but he changed his last name slightly, and changed his employment info to the bank that I used to work at, saying 2005-present.
    But he is a fireman. And I have visited him at work and met his captain & coworkers, seen him in uniform, so I know that there is no way he works at that bank.
    This feels bad.
    Like he’s lying to get girls or something. Which is fine, I don’t think I want to date him anyways. I mean he’s adorable & I’m physically attracted to him but i don’t feel open to him the way I do with phishman.

    I don’t know.
    I dropped his ticket off for my dance performance yesterday (he lives on the way frm my apt to my office)
    And he said he’s on vacation until late December bc he has extra vacation days.
    But Now I wonder if something else is going on.

    I feel confused.
    And angry at him for lying on facebook.
    And angry at myself for even looking.
    Bc facebook is dumb, i know that.
    But why lie?
    He’s coming to my dance thing on Friday, so I will see him then (he basically begged to come, I wasn’t sure then said yes). And now I don’t know if I should bring it up. Actually now I don’t know if I want him there.

    How would that sound?
    ‘i feel weird bringing this up. After I saw you Monday I looked you up on facebook. And saw you changed your name and work info. I feel awkward asking this, but i feel curious-what’s up with that?’

    It could just be a joke or something silly. But it feels bad. Lying makes me feel angry.

    I know Rori says he’s not real til he’s in front of me. So do I just ignore the facebook stuff? But that feels like stuffing it down.
    What do you think, dear sirens?

  200.  #200Daria on December 7, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    Katnina – this is what I would say:

    “i feel weird bringing this up. After I saw you Monday I looked you up on facebook. And saw you changed your name and work info. I feel awkward asking this, but i feel curious-what’s up with that?”

  201.  #201Katnina on December 7, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Thank you Daria! I laughed when I read your response :).
    I feel joyful, I am LEARNING!

  202.  #202Daria on December 7, 2010 at 11:41 pm


  203.  #203Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Hi Katnina @ 199

    Gosh, I feel for you in discovering weird and different when you found fireman’s FB page info was not what he has told you.

    A lot of people disguise their names on Facebook – because of privacy concerns (like we do on here). But the thing about altering his work to the place you work at, sounds more strange. You work at the bank, and you know he doesn’t!

    I felt very angry when I found an earlier profile of a man I met online (and met a few times) that said that he was older than his current profile. For me, it brought up the possibility that other things are not as they seem. It felt as if the possible trust and respect that are part of getting to know someone was injured, and that there was too much difficult stuff to work through after only a few dates. I told him what I felt, in a short, calm email after advice from the Sirens here. Something like ” I feel weird about something I’ve just seen online – I stumbled on an earlier profile that had a different age. I feel saddened and a bit shocked. What do you think?”

    He responded quickly and said he was guilty as charged, and offered to talk about it, or meet to talk, which was a fair offer . . he really liked me. But I didn’t like him enough to want to talk further. I felt it had damaged the possibility of trust. I understand why people lower their ages etc. But I found that I felt clearer that I do want someone who can take the risk of being authentic. And turned him down, saying I preferred it when the goods “were as advertised, if you know what I mean.”

    So you might be able to say, or write, something like Daria’s suggestion, which I’m not sure I can improve on.

    Or even find a way of taking “you” out of the message, which is tricky. “Dear Fireman, I feel weird bringing this up but I feel surprised and baffled by the changes to name and work info on facebook. I feel really curious, especially about the work info. What do you think?”

    I don’t fee sure, though, whether you would lean forward, initiate contact and start a convo with him by text/email/in person. That just sounds like leaning forward, and I guess is just too leaning forward anyway.

    But Daria is right – do address this with him, for practice with feeling messages if nothing else. I would feel more comfortable doing this message when he next initiates contact, and in response to a contact from him. (I did my example when the man had emailed me about seeing me again.)

    It’s feeling message practice. It’s practice at being open, and regardless of what he says, stay with feeling messages that don’t make him wrong, but express your truth.

  204.  #204Lisa on December 8, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Hey everyone….
    this doesnt hav much to do with the post lol except I would like to say…ive only ever had 1 fight wif my man (unfortunately, it broke us up but oh well)
    but i was wondering…how do u guys “love” urselves and focus on u rather then him?
    im struggling wif this idea bcos my whole life even wen i was young, never done that and no one else did either…so dont really know how to go bout doing that… :S

    any feedback would b great 😛

  205.  #205Leo on December 8, 2010 at 1:21 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I am constantly trying to use feeling messages with my man also when my feeling is negative.
    And I still have a hard time doing so in my mother tounge.
    The biggest problem I encounter is that he usually asks “why”. I have got only one book by Rori (cant afford others right now) so I dont know how to handle those situations.

    Lets give an example:
    Me: I feel weird and uncomfortable right now.
    He: either he says:”Why?” or just looks questioning.
    He wants to know why. And often goes directly from there into defensive-mode. (Cause he knows/thinks its cause of him or what he did)

    I read on the blog that we arent supposed to explain further.
    But when I kinda just repeat “Well… I dont feel comfortable and happy right now” and dont explain further he gets a little mad and says things like “Well…if you dont wanna talk about it further please dont bring it up”. And through that I get to feel mad but also sorry and bad like a little puppy who did something wrong.

    Please help me!

  206.  #206Daria on December 8, 2010 at 1:37 am

    Leo – you Are supposed to express clearly why when he asks… Or even from the beginning.

    But Not in a Explain, Defense mode.

    In am express clearly what you feel mode… There may be a rori post on this a while back…

    So u must express what it is u feel/ dont want in a clear way.

    I feel sad


    I don’t want to feel blamed …

    I feel angry when a man doesn’t call when he said he would

    I don’t want to feel brushed off


    The key is to formulate it to best Express how you feel in context.

    ( although an initial contextless feeling may be the best expression… When he asks why tho.,, here we express with! Non blaming context and talkin With him on how you cam feel better)

  207.  #207Leo on December 8, 2010 at 1:45 am

    Daria – ah ok, thanks. I think I got it now.
    Was confused about this “yes explaining” or “no explaining”

    So explainin after he asked! Okay!
    Thanks Daria.

  208.  #208Rosa on December 8, 2010 at 1:51 am

    I feel happy!

    G- Man is sitting next to me , after cooking my dinner..etc etc…

    Trouble in paradise with GF , yes please Allelulia..he hasnt yet divulged its exact nature…but trouble there is.
    Meanwhile we chat and spend time semi-flirting and catching up on the solidity of the connection. And I lean back back back …yikes.

    I am happy and I am sad all at once.

  209.  #209Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 2:25 am

    Following on from Leo’s comments . .

    I feel confused, sometimes, about which feeling words it is OK to use in feeling messages.

    For example, I get that we prefer not to say, “I feel hurt,” cos it’s too similar to saying, it is like it is subtley saying “You hurt me.” So Sirens recommend that we say things like, I feel drained, exhausted, pressurised, confused, disappointed, weird etc. with a bit of context, preferably that doesn’t refer to him as “you.”

    This often trips me up. Happy emotions are no problem. But when I feel upset or angry (which I find harder to express) the word that comes to mind for the feeling message COULD be heard as my naming or labelling (and judging) what he is doing.

    E.g. I feel judged (=you are judging me), I feel criticised (= you are criticising me). I feel messed around ( = you are messing me around).

    It feels that we have to develop new words and new ways of expressing emotion that are true to the feeling, but also don’t also subtley reveal what we would have said pre-Rori (e.g. “you hurt me!”).

    I feel a bit anxious about how I get tripped up on words.

  210.  #210girliegirl on December 8, 2010 at 2:34 am

    I actually agree with Lucy #176. We agree on the big picture but not on the meaning of the terms. Compromising is certainly one way to avoid conflict. To compromise doesn’t mean to have less of a relationship, it’s just being realistic. In fact when you have healthy expectation like that you won’t be so bothered -that in turn will create a new monster if you are- as if you expect that relationship is supposed to be smooth-sailing all the time. Again, speaking from my own and many people’s experience.

  211.  #211Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 2:44 am

    This morning, I also feel happy, witty, funny, hopeful, excited, disorganised, nervous and turned on. And a bit distracted.

    WaveMan (long-distance online contact) (with a yacht), is flying down today, staying overnight in a hotel, and we’re meeting for coffee and lunch tomorrow.

    We’ve had email, text and phone conversations. We both seem to have a mix of confidence, humour and nerves about this. What I notice about him, so far, is that there is a lot of shared humour, a lot of shared ways of talking, and that he catches my feeling messages, and follows up on them.

    Even when I was feeling sad/glad because of a milestone reached in my divorce proceedings. And even when I was feeling very stressed because I had to meet my soon-to-be-Ex. I do not talk much about the past, or my marriage, really, but sometimes I have been in the middle of a feeling about it. I worried about expressing it to him. But I did. And it was good.

    And he tells me some of his feelings.

    Between now and tomorrow, I have to stay out of my head (this can never work, we’ll never even get it off the ground, he’ll be some philandering businessman, with a yacht, we live too far about, the reality won’t be the same as talking on the phone). Just been reading EMK about not trying to second-guess and foresee the future.

    Just want to be in the moment, in my feelings, finding the words for the feelings, feeling open in body and heart, having fun and being a Siren. I feel full of dread that the date and he will be a disappointment. A reality check. But for the next 24 hours, I practice dropping the NV thoughts, and being in and with my feelings and what is happening in my body.

    I’m also feeling thrilled that at nearly 50, I am being surprised by how this whole men thing feels exciting, thrilling, fun, buzzy.

    This is the first online man I am actually really looking forward to meeting.

    Just riffing the soup.

    Yet we live too far away and I feel scared.

    I am afraid he will be different to advertised.

    I am afraid of getting caught in some horrible long-distance imaginary relationship.

    Afraid of too much chemistry. Or not enough.

    Afraid that I am attracted to unavailable men.

    Afraid I can’t do this.

    But – thanks to Rori – I can look after myself, and can use tools to establish boundaries, and I can honour my feelings, and chose my words to express them.

    Whatever happens, I will be OK. More than OK.

    Riff, riff, riff.

    Anyway, I’m going to Salsa tonight for some CD practice, and just plain fun.

    And supposed to be meeting ZenMan at the weekend. Though no details confirmed yet.

    Life is good. Not exactly raining men. But two dates in one week is nearly a record for me.

  212.  #212Katnina on December 8, 2010 at 2:49 am

    yay Rosa!! I feel happy you are feeling happy.
    I understand the sad too.
    you are a siren!!!

  213.  #213Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 2:50 am

    Rosa @ 207

    This is good to hear. You sound and feel relaxed and open. And hell, you deserve to be looked after.

    Can you speak the feeling happy, and feeling sad to him, e.g. next time he asks how you’re doing. E.G, “I’m feeling very relaxed and cared for. I’m feeling happy to have you here. But I feel confused, cos I also feel sad at the same time. What do you think?”

    That’s probably too many feeling messages in one go. I gather from Siren Island that it’s best not to overdose on feeling messages in one go.

    “I feel cared for. I feel happy to have you here. But the funny thing is, I also feel sad . .”

    Is it just sadness, or is is older stuff from your past with this guy?

    The word “bittersweet” is floating up into my mind.

  214.  #214Katnina on December 8, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Hi Lorelei # 203,
    Thank you for sharing your experience & for your input! I love hearing about other sirens’ experiences, it helps me learn.
    I agree with you that I should wait until I see him next. I am going to see him on Friday, he is coming to my dance performance.
    so I’ll see how i feel on Friday after my performance, but I think I’m going to use the feeling message i wrote in my post (which Daria quoted back to me 🙂 ). if it feels right at the time.

  215.  #215Rosa on December 8, 2010 at 3:31 am

    He is upstairs asleep .

    Yes Lorelei , Bittersweet.

    I am finding myself wanting to withdraw forever after Friday when he goes.

    If I cant have him as my loving partner, then i dont think I can do friends.

    It hurts.
    I hurt.
    I ache that i am not with him.
    I ache that he feels he “should” be here for me . I dont know.

    My tears are burning and my heart weeps.

    All I can do is lean back . will not be an object of pity.

  216.  #216Leo on December 8, 2010 at 3:31 am

    @ 208 Lorelei –

    this is exactly my problem. I always think one could rephrase these feeling messages into ” you made me feel like that”. And when I found a way to not imply any accusation in English… I again have to find a way in German. And I actually did use the phrase “I feel hurt” cause it was just the way i felt. But then he went into defense-mode.

    Its always so much easier to express feelings about good things as “I feel loved”. But what about “I feel unloved, unwanted right now.”
    He knows that it’s cause of something he did or didn’t do.

    This is so hard… I feel pressured by myself cause I don’t want to do it wrong, say the wrong things…cause I want a great relationship.

    Well through all this…i learned not to use the phrase “I feel hurt” again…but still…. I feel sad and afraid.

  217.  #217Leo on December 8, 2010 at 3:34 am

    by the way…
    Is it okay to say phrases as:
    ” I am …..good, great, sad, angry…”
    Does it count as feeling messages?
    In German its rather unusual to use the “feel”. Its just uncommon. Sounds a bit strange.
    Maybe it just sounds strange cause people dont talk much about their feelings…so when one does it feel strange.
    Or it might be really just a language problem.
    I dont know.

  218.  #218Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 5:46 am

    HI Kat – good luck with the dance thing, and with the feeling message on Friday!

  219.  #219Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Oh Rosa (214) that does feel sad. You deserve to be looked after by a man who loves absolutely everything about you, just as you are, not someone who feels they should be there (perhaps to fit his view of who he is).

    It’s very easy for me to say, but I wonder if you could feeling message this, and get it to something that can be simply stated – for next time you guys are talking?

    I always (or still) feel terrified about expressing complex feelings like this to a man, but I wonder if this could be an opportunity to practice, rather than an opportunity to not-say what is happening for you.

    Do you know about Rori’s fall-to-the-floor tool? ( I think it is for use in private, rather than face-to-face with a man). It just means that when a wave of feeling wells up, to let it happen, and to fall to the floor, on knees and let the wave break . . feel it fully, as fully as you can . . and then see what else comes in to take it’s place. You can write, or talk to you self and your feelings. But the amazing thing is – I find the more I give in to the feeling, that it does actually move on and another feeling comes up. I write as the word’s worst for stuffing feelings down and hoping they go away. And, as we on here, they don’t!!

    Lots of love.

  220.  #220Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 6:02 am

    Hi Leo

    I don’t know enough about German to know the linguistic answer.

    It seems fine to say “I am happy” “I am intrigued” “It’s really exciting.’ I kind of mix these in with plain “I feel furious” etc.

    Also other tenses – “It would be uncomfortable” “It was scarey” etc.

    But in English, it is relatively unusual for people to say “I feel Blah” all the time. It’s why we are all practising so much and helping each other find the words. It literally feels unusual to phrase things this way.

    I would love to hear how you get on practicing “I feel shy . . I feel lonely . . I feel yucky . . ” in German. Rori and the Sirens feels that “I feel . . . ” statements are very powerful because they are so simple and so direct.

    I”m quite interested because I have a very good German friend – what is “I feel . . ” in German?

  221.  #221Leo on December 8, 2010 at 6:26 am

    Hi Lorelei,

    thanks for your help.

    I think I feel so comfortable with using feeling messages in English is cause when you learn a langauge you actually do learn those words in a bundle. Like “In todays lecture we learn these “feel” words”
    But in the mother tounge… you never really learn them like vocabulary.

    It’s good to know that I dont HAVE to use the word “feel” but that I can rephrase a little. Although I will keep trying to use it though.

    And yes, I also feel that these messages are very powerful.
    I gave a GF the advice when she had some problems with someone to speak truely what she feels. Hahaha, and later she said “i have never met someone like you”

    In German “I feel…” is translated with “Ich fühle mich….”

    But… one wouldnt really say in German “I feel hurt” but one would say “I am hurt”.
    I try not to use the “am” in German though (neither in English) cause one easily can add “….by you”. And thats not what we want to communicate!

  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 7:02 am

    @214: Rosa says:

    “…I am finding myself wanting to withdraw forever after Friday when he goes…
    All I can do is lean back . will not be an object of pity…

    It seems to me he’s a grown up person, a man, and if he didn’t want to be there, he would NOT BE THERE.

    I’m thinking that you are a little sad because things are not the way you would most like them to be.

    You have a man, you probably adore, alive in your house!!! Enjoy.

    Can you please cut the man some slack and just enjoy him being there? Could you not pin him to the floor with “feeling messages” about you being SAD! or CONFUSED! or BITTERSWEET! If you did that stuff to me (ok, I said it, I’m not feminine, sorry) I would RUN and keep on running! I might come back from time to time to see if you’d stopped..

    I hope you are not mad at me…but gee, Rosa… don’t MAKE the man BE and DO everything all in one short visit.

    still smarting after concluding not feminine and thinking I’m doomed; however, father says I’m womanly and that is more than enough…so thinking about it and dealing with that.

  223.  #223Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Yuppers, knew it. couldn’t stop submit. Tears flowing.

    need coffee and a bagel.

  224.  #224Mercedes on December 8, 2010 at 7:28 am

    I’m cranky today…and I usually don’t feel cranky. I think it’s just that I’m so cold and I want to be home in front of my fireplace with a cup of coffee…but instead I’m here in my office where the ladies are always hot so we run the AC no matter what time of year it is. Ugh! My office controls the temp for all the offices down our hallway but if I turn the heat on they are constantly coming in and turning on the AC…I don’t want them in my office anyway and as soon as they get hot they make it even colder than it needs to be (yesterday one of them set the AC on 63 deg…) and…Grrrr! I don’t know…I’m just cold.

    J and I are going to Florida this weekend. PLEASE let it be warm there! PLEASE!!!

    Much Love,

  225.  #225tinque on December 8, 2010 at 7:34 am

    SLV – Big hug to you and a large mug of steaming coffee.

    You have never come across as masculine energy to me. You are not doomed. What man would be so into wearing flippy skirts after all.

    I also want to thank you for all of your wonderful, enormously helpful knitting advice.


  226.  #226tinque on December 8, 2010 at 7:39 am

    And Katnina – Thank you too for the links and the addresses. I’m already in love with several yarns from that site. YAY. Next time I’m in the city, if I will definitely be dropping in to one if not both of those shops.

    As for fireman man, please be cautious. I realize FB is silly, but to lie about one’s place of employment feels really off.

    What form of dance do you do? Bunhead here.


  227.  #227tinque on December 8, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Ella – I feel uncomfortable linking to my site even though RR is more than okay with it, so I will start with this article, and though it’s about orgasms, there are some exercises in this article which encourage healing.


    Healing your sexual parts starts with healing your heart, so all of the work you do here and on your own are the beginnings of sexual healing.

    I have a book which delves into this in more depth too, and you’re always welcome to contact me privately or even here if you have more specific questions.

    Please know that this is a process just as any healing takes time. I’ve been at this a long time, and still there are layers peeling away.

    I think back though to when I first started on this part of my journey, and the comparison is like night and day. The abilities she (feefee) has continue to astound me.


  228.  #228tinque on December 8, 2010 at 7:47 am

    Miss M – Bring a space heater to work and a blankie. Maybe a hat and gloves too.


  229.  #229AmberS on December 8, 2010 at 7:56 am


    How about sending a friend request on FB? You were there, you saw it. That’s one way to bring it out in the open immediately so it’s not sitting in your heart…

  230.  #230AmberS on December 8, 2010 at 7:57 am

    New post… GO SLV, GO!

  231.  #231Mercedes on December 8, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Thanks tinque: space heaters are banned but I have the blankie…and wear sweaters and scarves. Gloves are too uncomfortable to write and type with (even the fingerless ones…not sure why) so I don’t use those…and I wear warm socks. I think it’s the gloomy weather outside too…can’t blame it all on the AC. My office has one wall that is all windows and I swear I can feel the cold coming in through them…plus when I look outside, it just LOOKS cold.

    Anyway…it’s not cold here like it is cold in the north so I shouldn’t complain…it’s just colder than I want and its a damp cold…a yucky damp cold and temps in the 40’s…not the fun hot Houston weather I’m used to. LOL

    It’s all good…lack of sunshine just makes me crabby…

    Much Love,

    And SLV…big hug for you from me!

  232.  #232Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 8:15 am

    @227: tinque says:

    “..Miss M – Bring a space heater to work and a blankie. Maybe a hat and gloves too…”,/i>

    Wow…a place to use those cute fingerless mitts I see at Ravelry…for Miss M. Maybe she could make some!


  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 8:15 am


  234.  #234Mercedes on December 8, 2010 at 8:23 am

    LOL…SLV…I do love fingerless gloves (though not at work). Do you think I could actually make them? I have a few but if I could make them I’d have them in all colors. LOL 🙂

    You ladies really do make me want to learn to knit. Problem is, (besides being left handed) I’m a perfectionist…do I have the patience? Would I want to knit that sweater coat in a month and then give up? Hmmm…maybe I should just try it with a very little investment at first. I could make a square. If I can make a square, maybe I’ll like it…right? LOL Maybe…we’ll see. 🙂

    But I must say, from someone who refuses to watch tv, knitting seems like a fun way to pass the time…especially when J wants to play video games and I don’t have a book I’m particularly interested in at the moment. Yes…I might just try it.

    Much Love,

  235.  #235Turtle Girl on December 8, 2010 at 9:28 am

    #199 Katnina

    As far as your fireman lying on facebook, I have a different perspective.

    He may or may not be someone worthy of having a relationships with. However, many people don’t put real information on facebook because of the privacy issues. I never put my real name, age or birthday on the page. Employment is something that he may be afraid to list as firemen. the jobs out in the public such as police or fire guys are so public maybe he just wants the privacy. I know I don’t put the “truth” on mine because there are some pretty crazy people and men out there. I had to take my page down because one guy I had dated went into a jealous rage over another mans picture I posted who was just a platonic friend.

    This guy may be a creep or he may have his reasons, I would hear him out first, but I can’t tell you what to do. You know his “vibe” and it may be icky. Good luck with this. xxoo

  236.  #236Turtle Girl on December 8, 2010 at 9:37 am


    Sorry you are missing the Houston weather…..I hear ya.
    I have been cold for years since I moved.
    No good bbq where I am at either! And I would kill for some fried okra. lol

  237.  #237Lorelei on December 8, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Hi Mercedes (@ 230, 233) and all you knitting Sirens.

    I so want to start knitting and crocheting again too – it feels so soothing and therapeutic (and occasionally a little obsessive in it’s own right!!).

    I used to love doing this, but for some reason, the soon-to-be-Ex hated me doing it when we were sitting on the sofa watching TV. So for a while, I stopped. To please him, silly me. The things you do to try and keep a marriage going.

    Anyway – I wear fingerless mittens, rather than fingerless gloves. Instead of having lots of chopped off fingers, there is just one hand hole that goes round your knuckles or the base of your fingers. This feels soooooo much more comfortable, as my fingers are not pushed apart by little glove fingers.

    And do you all know about the Knitty website? They often have patterns for fingerless mittens, and lots of quite unusual, stylish stuff.

  238.  #238Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Mercedes, you could make a gorgeous scarf! Easy peezy. Cast on 10-15, make it as long as you want, then cast off. Super easy.

    Knitters unite! 🙂

    I have one of those round “looms” for making hats too. I may start one of those. I currently have several scarves started. Made a cute neck cuff last week and added vintage buttons to it. Super sweet!

    Talk of fingerless mittens sounds really appealing! I haven’t graduated from scarves and hats but mittens I might be able to do. Thanks Lorelei!

  239.  #239Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Hockey man asked me out for Friday (second date), and I don’t know what to do. I just feel like hibernating.

  240.  #240AmberS on December 8, 2010 at 11:20 am


    How about telling him exactly that?

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like hibernating.


  241.  #241Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Aww Lucy! Why not just go to have fun? This guy doesn’t have to be the one for you to feel good and have a fun time. Maybe? What are your reservations about going?

  242.  #242Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Well, yesterday he sent me this: Good morning, Sunshine! Yes, you are my sunshine! “I’ve waited so long, so long, so long, for someone like you… I tell ya, you’re my sunshine.”

    (The part in quotes is the steve azar song.)

  243.  #243Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I can’t be all lovey-dovey, holding hands and smooching with someone I’m not into as more than a friend.

  244.  #244Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Plus, I’m pretty depressed right now. AND my 17 yo son stayed home from school today and then started crying and saying he needs to talk to a counselor bc he is so depressed. 🙁

  245.  #245Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Maybe Amber’s idea would be good.

  246.  #246Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:08 pm


    I don’t know what to do. I feel like crap.

  247.  #247Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    (((HUGS))) Lucy! I’m sorry you feel bad and that your son is depressed. If you change your mind about going, why not send him that exact message you wrote:

    I feel open to going to the hockey game but I can’t be all lovey-dovey, holding hands and smooching with someone I’m not into as more than a friend.

    I feel open to going to the hockey game but I don’t feel a romantic attraction. What do you think?

    I feel open to going to a hockey game but I feel better hibernating this weekend. What do you think?

  248.  #248Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Thanks, Shannon.

    I went to the hockey game with him last week — now he is asking me to a play and dinner for Friday. He also said he needs to know asap (I assume bc of getting tix?) — so I feel kinda pressured too.

    Part of why my son feels depressed is bc it’s just him and me living at home now — and it feels lonely for both of us. He said it started when his brother went to college last year and has been slowly getting worse. My daughter will be coming home from college tomorrow, and then my son next week, so my youngest might feel a bit better with them around, but then they will leave again after Christmas. 🙁

    So I feel angry and upset and sad and depressed that there’s not a man in the house for both my sake and my kids’ sakes. Expecially at Christmas-time when everything should be happy and festive and fun.

  249.  #249Mercedes on December 8, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    TG: The problem is…I’m IN Houston…right now! It just doesn’t FEEL like it (or…I mean feel like what I want it to feel like…). LOL It’s 45 deg right now. I prefer 85 deg…I’ll settle for 75 and I start complaining at 65. Maybe that tells us why I’m crabby. LOL

    Shannon: “Cast on 10-15, make it as long as you want, then cast off.”

    I don’t even know what that means. I’m assuming start and end with 10-15 stitches (are they called stitches in knitting or is that just sewing)?? LOL. NEVER touched knitting needles or heard anyone really talk about it much before these last few days. Once I heard that Julia Roberts knits during her downtime when shooting a movie. That was the first time I wondered if it could be cool. lol

    I’m sooooo not domestic…it makes me giggle a little to even think about doing this. I cook, but I seriously don’t even dust or sweep…nothing like that. J and I do dishes together, we clean up after ourselves and we each do our own laundry…he pays a housekeeper to do the rest. I tried to be domestic when I was married…FAILED! He (my ex) hated that I wasn’t Betty Crocker or Marth Stewart (like his mother is) and we would fight about it all the time.

    It’s so against my nature that anytime I think of the words “domestic” and “Mercedes” in the same sentence it makes me laugh. I don’t think of myself in a rocking chair knitting socks…lol. That’s SUCH a stereotype I know, but that’s the picture that comes to mind and it doesn’t seem to fit me at all. But I’m really, really tempted to try. Because I love that coat and how else am I going to get it unless I learn to knit and practice until I’m amazing at it? lol. we’ll see. 🙂

    Much Love,

  250.  #250Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Well, one problem solved. The first available counseling appt for my son is Friday afternoon — so it won’t work out for me to go to a 4 pm play and dinner.

    Now, just how to word it to hockey man…..

  251.  #251AmberS on December 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm



  252.  #252Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Hehe Mercedes! I know exactly what you mean. I have to fight the granny image that pops in my head. It’s really just a craft though. And so awesome to have a luxurious handmade item as a result.

    Check out this video for steps in casting on (creating the first loop), then there are other videos to show you knitting and then casting off. Sounds way more complicated than it really is.


    Also, I found this one which shows how to knit for left handers! 😉


  253.  #253Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    oops – moderation. I think because I posted two sites. Trying again…

    Hehe Mercedes! I know exactly what you mean. I have to fight the granny image that pops in my head. It’s really just a craft though. And so awesome to have a luxurious handmade item as a result.

    Check out this video for steps in casting on (creating the first loop), then there are other videos to show you knitting and then casting off. Sounds way more complicated than it really is.


  254.  #254Simply Shannon on December 8, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Also, I found this one which shows how to knit for left handers! 😉


  255.  #255tinque on December 8, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Thank you Shannon. It’s all come back to me now.

  256.  #256Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    @248: Mercedes says:

    “…Once I heard that Julia Roberts knits during her downtime when shooting a movie. That was the first time I wondered if it could be cool. lol …”

    LOL 😆 “It’s cool”… straight from the mouth of Leah Kramer herself, computer programmer and self-proclaimed craft junkie.
    ‘She resides in Boston where she was a founder of the “coolest store ever,’ Magpie, and for 7 years was an organizer of the not-your-grandma’s craft fair Bazaar Bizarre.’


    I discovered this great site some years ago when it was called “not your mother’s/grandmother’s kind of crafts…etc .” It was still funky and populated by a mix of lawyers, SAHM and girls with Emo hair, piercings and tatts. This was sometime before the big Internet conglomerate buy out a year ago. Ms. Kramer must be smiling all the way to the bank!


  257.  #257Mercedes on December 8, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Ok Ladies…I’ll learn how to knit. I’m going to look as out of place in the craft store as I do in Home Depot but I’ll go buy the stuff (after Christmas) and learn to knit.

    Shannon: Thanks for the videos. I’ve decided (after doing a little reading) that I’m going to try to learn to knit right handed first. I heard it’s kind of a pain to translate the patterns to left handed (I didn’t realize patterns were written for a specific hand, but one step at a time here…) and so I don’t want to translate. Also, several left handed people have written about how they had to teach themselves to move on when finding assistance (ie a left handed knitter that is better than they are) proved to be almost impossible. Another lady wrote about how knitting right handed has allowed her to develop her non-dominant hand. And another wrote that approx 50% of left handed knitters knit right handed anyway. So…I’ll try it right handed first. If that doesn’t work for me or feels way too uncomfortable then I’ll teach it to myself as a lefty and then I’ll develop a website that translates patterns from right to left handed and sell them back to the customer. 🙂 Just kidding.

    Okay…after Christmas it is!

    You ladies want to hear a fun game J and I are playing this weekend? If not, don’t read cuz I’m going to post about it anyway.

    We’re going to Florida on Friday and coming home on Sunday. We decided we’re not going to book a hotel room. Plan A (his plan) was to spend the weekend in the airport (just to say we did). Since I had the presense of mind to think we might get in trouble for that (or at least flagged as a potential risk and questioned by TSA), I suggested we switch it up just a bit and go for plan B:

    We agreed that when we get to the airport, we’ll take the first free hotel shuttle we see. When we get to the hotel, we’ll see if they have rooms. If they do, we’ll stay. If they don’t, we’ll see if there is another hotel within walking distance of where we are and if so, we’ll go there. If not…we’ll cab it back to the airport and take the next free shuttle. The plan is to meet as many strangers/bus drivers/cab drivers as we can and to make each of them smile.

    If we get a hotel room on the first try (which we probably will) then we’ll go for meeting people in the closest restaurant/bar to the hotel. Sounds like fun to me!!! I’m soooo excited! I absolutely LOVE adventure and Southwest airlines with their $59 plane tickets have given us adventure in four different cities now! 🙂 (ummm…but this is the first time we’re trying it without a hotel in mind…lol)

    Much Love,

  258.  #258Senior Lady Vibe on December 8, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    @255: Mercedes says:

    “Ok Ladies…I’ll learn how to knit. I’m going to look as out of place in the craft store as I do in Home Depot but I’ll go buy the stuff (after Christmas) and learn to knit…”

    If I were left-handed, I would do as you are and learn to knit right-handed but I would learn to knit in the Continental (German/European) way rather than as I do now, English/American.

    I believe this will involve your brain in a way that will make it easier. In Continental knitting style, the yarn is held and tension is kept with the left hand and the stitches are formed by picked them through with the right hand. In English/American style the right hand holds the yarn, throws it, keeps the tension and forms the stitches.

    Whichever way you learn, it’s awkward feeling at first but once you learn it’s like riding a bicycle, you get a certain feel, balance and rhythm…and it’s difficult to change style from the way you learn.

    I think Continental knits up faster so I wish I’d learned that way. Funny though, when I work with two colors I do hold one in each hand and that for some reason feels OK but I can’t hold yarn in left hand when using only one yarn! 😥

    If you learn Continental there will be more left hand involvement, even though you are knitting right handed. You’ll be able to knit using right-handed patterns and charts.

    I hope this helps.


  259.  #259Gina on December 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    I got majorly trigerred by the new Bartender at work. He’s tall and handsome, but I feel repelled by his eyes that bug wide open (some say he’s on coke) and his arrogant demeanor. Today, he stood behind me and basically enclosed me in his arms while he did something on the computer in front of me, but he acted like it was nothing. Meanwhile, my heart is pounding out of my chest, and I’m having trouble breathing.
    Then, I overhear him talking smack to the boss about another bartender who I respect very much. He’s acting like the guy should get fired cause he isn’t as common-sense-smart as this guy needs a team player to be. I’m thinking “Douche-bag! Don’t talk about my friend!” my friend is super uber duper smart. He’s an actor that looks like the quintessential “nerd.” And I was feelin so pissed at his arrogance and at my boss’ weakness for letting him disrespect a long standing coworker.
    Then, later, I attacked him. And then I tried to explain. Hmm, I feel ashamed. I used tools to help get me out of the mess. I don’t feel angry anymore, but I feel curious about what’s going to come of this….Hopefully, this guy will apologize to my nerdy but very cool friend and then they’ll become buddies and he’ll be on a mission to prove what a cool and humble guy he really is, and it will all be thanks to me pulling a trigger. “I pulled a trigger” – I like that. As in “uh oh, I just pulled a trigger! I felt trigerred and I blasted off emotionally.” that feels pretty wretched – losing control of emotions and then worrying that people won’t feel like they can trust me, and then me worrying that they can’t. The good news is that I’m feeling convinced that I do want to be untriggerable.

  260.  #260Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Thanks for the hug, Amber.

    I texted hockey man that I am busy Friday but thanks for asking me to the play. Also that I felt curious what play it was.

    So now he texted: Miracle of Christmas. Is your Saturday open? Not for the play. Have to think of another plan for Saturday.

    Wish I could cry.

  261.  #261AmberS on December 8, 2010 at 5:57 pm


    Persistent little bugger. Hrm.

    Why not cry? I don’t feel like you’re asking my to solve anything, but maybe it’s time for a chick flick & a box of kleenex? This isn’t advice, really. It’s more me fumbling around for some way to help you feel better.

    Prolly I should just stick to the hugs…


  262.  #262Lucy on December 8, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Thx Amber. I feel cared for. Am watching TV in bed. Hopefully I will feel a lil better tomorrow. Haven’t responded yet to hockey man. Will wait til I feel more sure of how I feel about everything.

  263.  #263Brenda on December 9, 2010 at 5:59 am


    How about a good feeling message?

    Hockey Man, I feel bored when I’m with you. I am just not feeling it.

    I’m just kiddin sort of, but maybe in some tactful way you should just let him know the feeling isn’t mutual, like “I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s a match.”

    It’s easier to tell them early on rather than later. And I think they deserve the truth, rather than letting them think it’s some other reason.

    What do you think/feel?

  264.  #264AmberS on December 9, 2010 at 6:50 am

    Helloooooo Brenda!!!

    It’s so nice to see your name pop up here 🙂 How’s the hunt going?

  265.  #265AmberS on December 9, 2010 at 6:52 am


    Good morning, Sunshine! I hope you’re feeling better today.

  266.  #266Brenda on December 9, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Hi Amber,

    Where’s your zany picture? I got two cats perched on top of my Bible, on top of my computer tower. 4I5 – Nope, the kitten and her momma just hopped down and now the kitten just wrote “415” with her hind foot. Must be code. Who can crack the kitten code?

    Ok, so I’m being silly. Now they are on top of my mouse and mouse pad. These kittens are almost 4 months old and still trying to nurse. I kept 2 of the three. One is orange and one is tan. I named them Katawissa and Kalamine. Momma’s name is Keagy.

    I have a lot of resumes in and nothing yet. How are you?

  267.  #267Linda on December 9, 2010 at 11:13 am


    There are so many things in this post that speak so much to me.

    I have always hated to fight and argue. i

  268.  #268Cristina on December 10, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Dear Rori,

    This story is so long and I’ll do my best to make as much sense as i can.

    It all began in 2008 when had received a scholarship to study at a university abroad. I had left my boyfriend behind, although we had plans to get engaged the following year. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, i met a guy who, at the time, didn’t seem to mind that i had a boyfriend. Before it all began, he i told i told him i had a boyfriend back home and all he said was ”he’s not here, is he”. So we began dating and, at first, i felt so guilt. But, as time went by, i developed feelings for this guy, really strong feelings. I fell in love with him! The first time i had gone back home for the summer break it was horrible because i didn’t have feelings for my boyfriend any more, and many times when we were together the other guy would call and tell me things like ”i miss you, and everyone back at his place thought i was the prettiest he’d ever brought home”, although i never met his relatives, just one aunt. Anyhow, when i went back, after the break, he had changed a little bit, but i remember this one time that he was taking a shower and i was keeping him company and it was kind of dimmy he told me, i he had something to tell me, and he asked me whether or not i was ready to hear it, when i said yes, he told me he loved me. Then one time we were having an argument, i think i had gotten jealous for some reason, and he asked ”why is it that you haven’t broken up with your boyfriend?”, and i said that i wasn’t ready to break his heart and that our relationship was too serious and i didn’t want to have to be the one to call it off because of another guy. We continued dating, he got more and more distant and, somewhere along the line, i got pregnant. At first he was a bit supportive and even asked me what i wanted to do about it,and i told him there was no way i could keep it. The truth is, neither one of us were ready to be parents. He was 24 and i was only 20. But then, i began having second thoughts, and i told him i needed to wait until i got back home to discuss it further with my mother, i was too afraid to have an abortion, especially in a foreign country. That’s when he completely shut me out. He wouldn’t return my calls, and he even made up a lie about how his father (his mother is late she died when he was 8) , his only parent, had disowned him because he had found out.
    So i went back home, told my boyfriend everything, and he cried. And he and my mother took me to a clinic for the abortion. This happened last year, i was already 3 months pregnant then, and i’ll never forget that day. I remember feeling empty, in pain and abandoned in a way. I’m still recovering from that trauma. The guy e-mailed begging me for forgiveness, and he said that he was confused, and that he didn’t know any better. He said, he didn’t want me to feel in any way encouraged to go along with the pregnancy. I sent his father an e-mail, telling the whole story. He replied with very comforting words, and he had advised me to stay away from men until i’m done with studies. Then i tried contacting the guy, he said he was still mad at me for having contacted his father and that i need to get mental health and move on. I finally got another scholarship to finish my degree in the UK this time. Can you imagine that after all this time, he sends me an email saying ”im in england”, just like that. At first, i was overwhelmed with rage and hurt. But then i realised that i still have strong feelings for him. So i told him i had forgiven him, and he told me he wanted us to meet and talk. So we did, and i told him i still loved him and asked him whether he felt the same way, and he told me he did. However, he said that he had left someone back home, and that it didn’t bother him that i had a boyfriend either. I, on the other hand, broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago, but i didn’t tell him that i was single. I just can’t stand the fact that he keeps flirting with other women. He’s always on his blackberry, and i just don’t know what to do. About two weeks ago, we argued about it, and he told me that they were just friends and that i had to deal with it, then he got down on his knees and told me that he was trying. I told him he was a womaniser and that i didn’t need that in my life, after everything i’ve been through. He told me that i disregard his feelings and that i need to figure out exactly what i want. We haven’t spoken since.
    Rori, what should i do?

  269.  #269Cristina on December 10, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Mistake- i don’t know how that smiley got in there. Please disregard it.

    Thanks in advance for your response.

  270.  #270Gigi on December 12, 2010 at 4:08 pm


    I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you. But if you haven’t already, you ought to put your entry on the newest thread so Rori and others can find it. Go here https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/
    and then click on the most recent thread.

    I wish you the best!

  271.  #271akaydia on December 12, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I don’t really understand the whole the man is the president and the woman is the vice president thing. Could you go through it in more depth?

    Does is mean that the woman has to obey the husband’s commands and that the husband has the final say on a decision? Where do you draw the line? Does this mean that men should not say what they feel and only what they think?

    What about in the book, Women are from Venis men are from Mars in the bedroom. I think that he said that women shouldn’t ask for sex, but that if the man asks for sex, and she isn’t in the mood, that they should just have a quickie. Would you agree with this?

    Or is it more like the man comes up with the idea and the women either accepts or veto’s it? (where the woman has the power)


  272.  #272Valentine on December 12, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    I’m new to posting, my first Rori Raye program is on it’s way to me. This blog, all the advice, all the uplifting, I can’t believe what I’ve been missing!! 🙂

    I feel for Jeanne, but I totally understand what Rori is saying. I’m in love with a man who I found again after twenty years, a man who fell in love with me as a strong, independant, intelligent young woman who he thought was out of his league, someone he didn’t pursue at the time for fear of rejection. Now I’m the one who fears it & I’ve done everything wrong from the start of this “new beginning” and am on here to try to salvage the relationship if possible.

    I love that I’m trying to regain my strength & confidence, but after years of being taught to steer my own ship, the thought of having someone take care of me, someone I trust to do so, is such a beautiful thing & such sigh of relief to accept.

    I spent the weekend with some friends, and as we women often do, we began complaining about our relationships. It’s like opening up a bag of potato chips while watching tv, next thing you know, you’ve eaten mindlessly eaten the entire bag and you feel awful for it. Even when my relationship is at it’s worst & we’re seemingly just talking about our lives, I can’t help but think that by disparaging the man I love, even in the smallest way, even with my closest friends, I’m damaging our relationship.

    Rori, do you have any advice on this? Is there a way to reframe how I talk about my disappointment in my love life without talking badly about my man? Our relationship hit me like a freight train out of the blue, dazzling at first, but as time passes & we’re not progressing, I’m trying to take the right steps to correct things. Throwing verbal daggers at someone, whether he hears them or not, it makes me feel awful inside. I just get caught up on the moment, when I’m angry or upset, and it’s so easy to just pick up the phone and assauge my feelings with a good “gripe”, but I feel worse afterwards. I love him very much, it’s his behavior I don’t like. I’m not trying to Pollyanna the situation. I feel that I totally deserve to be angry that I’m not getting enough of his time or attention, and I’m angry that when the topic of Chritmas gifts came up, he (once again) brought up his monetary situation. Were I not the easiest person in the world to please in the gift department I wouldn’t be so upset. I don’t care what he gets me, I just ask that he gets me something, and expensive is not required. I don’t like him putting a dollar sign on me because it makes me feel cheap, but I don’t like that I “third-partied” my feelings either & made him out to be a cheapskate.

    Is it best to keep this between us or is there a more constructive way to vent? Any ideas?

    Thanks for listening, girls!! Much appreciated.

  273.  #273Alicia on December 29, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Hi friends! I’m back…. things feel good. I”m moved and settled into my own home. I see the changes counseling has brought me and this site now feels normal and not like a foreign language. Before it was so hard to stop over functioning. And now I can’t imagine not being leaned back and all feeling girl. Unbelievable.. 🙂

    Thanks Rori!

    Awesome article. I feel inspired to be more open, vulnerable 🙂

    I had an aha moment in counseling were I realized talking in feelings made so much sense becuase they were like passing statements. And not as hard as affirmitives.. which can be harsh and judgey.. it just clicked and made sense, I feel.. is normal, innocent.. vulnerable.