What’s Important In Romantic Love…

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bl6-portraitHere’s a reply to a comment from “Rose” that I had to delete because of her age. 

(Rose, you say you’re a senior in high school, and so I’m guessing you’re not yet 18 – and I wanted to thank you for your story, and to address your great question.)

To summarize Rose’s situation: She’s mentally and physically chasing after a boy who she’s known a long while, dated for a few months, says he loves her, and yet has no time for her and takes no real action to see her.

This situation is all too common in us women of all ages, and here’s my answer:

Rose, Nothing matters about what’s going on with a man (or boy).

It doesn’t matter that he works, or plays football, or hangs out with friends or his family or his children. It doesn’t matter how much he loves you. It doesn’t matter what he feels. It doesn’t matter what he does.

All of that is HIS life, and doesn’t matter to you (except that, as a friend, you naturally care that people you love are happy – and even THAT isn’t your business).

The only thing that matters here is: Is this fellow meeting YOUR needs? Is he making YOU happy? Does he give you enough time, affection, attention and everything else you want? Is he kind and attentive to YOU?

(I’m assuming, of course, that you are a good girlfriend and friend, don’t blame, argue or try to change a man, aren’t pushing him away by doing too much…)

In other words – pick your men not by your feelings about them, or their status in the world.

Pick them because they’re good company. Because you feel good about YOU when you’re with them.

Don’t let anyone else’s opinions (or your OWN “opinions”) about a man make you want him more than he wants you.

Don’t let situations where there’s separation, or hard work schedules, or exes and kids leave you hanging and waiting around.

If you’re a woman who needs “space” – then a man who needs a lot of space can work.

And if you’re a woman who craves closeness, and “together” time – then choose only to be with men who want THAT with you.

***In my world, a relationship only works when the woman is on the receiving end of vast amounts of love, attention, affection, good sex, fun, time and “understanding” – and knows how to “open and receive” and “give back” in a way that always feels like a “response.”

Give the “puppy dog” men a chance.

Give the “awkward” men a chance.

Give every man who wants you a chance.

Give every man who pursues you a chance.

Give every men who wants to make you happy a chance.

Chose from THOSE men. Not every one of them will be right for you – but choose only from those men.

To practice “giving” in the way you want – volunteer. Be a candy-striper in a hospital. Work with abandoned dogs and cats. Read to children in shelters. Rock babies in crisis centers. These opportunities are available, and make you feel like a human being.

Romantic love is different from “love.” Romantic Love is romance. Romantic Love is sex. Romantic Love is an “exchange.” Romantic Love requires a “wholeness” and “independence” and “spirit” in a woman that volunteering does not require.

Volunteering can patch you up when you feel “less than.” Volunteering can be done while you’re crying. What people and animals give you when you volunteer to help them can be startling, and so much more than you even can imagine.

Volunteering does not require the same kind of skills that friendship requires. It is NOT a two-way street. It is YOU giving, with no expectation or accounting of what you’re getting back.

In Romantic Love, you are NOT a “volunteer.” You are a participant in a relationship that has dynamics, and skill requirements. Skill requirements beyond even friendship. Skill requirements beyond volunteering, where you do your job well as a volunteer.

In a friendship, you can be a buddy, a good sport, a hang-out gal, someone to lean on – anything you like.

Romantic love involves sex and possible procreation. It involves going deeper than anything you’ve known before. It requires Trust in new ways. It requires knowing and being known in ways you don’t even know of.

It requires “Intimacy” in ways that trigger explosive, buried emotions from everything you’ve ever experienced in your life before now.

And, for me, romantic love is where you learn everything about yourself.

Don’t choose someone based on desire. Choose someone who wants what I’ve listed above: To go deep, to know you and be known, to extend friendship to a different place (not better, just different).

Someone who wants to invest in Trust. Someone trustworthy. Someone who has time, space, heart, energy, love for you.

This is what you deserve in romantic love. Don’t settle for anything less.

Don’t volunteer for romantic love. Volunteer to give love where it’s needed. Look around town for opportunities, and give generously.

In Romance – Take love. Receive love. Experience love being given to you. That’s your job as a woman.

Love, Rori

 

 

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684 Comments

  1.  #1Indigo on September 1, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Wow, I so love this article.

    “If you’re a woman who needs “space” – then a man who needs a lot of space can work.”

    Yip. That’s me.

    I love being given my breathing room, being given wings to soar… being accepted.



  2.  #2Daria on September 1, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    wasup wasup!!! i knew it was a new post 🙂



  3.  #3Indigo on September 1, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    I love, love, love the ideas from Rori about volunteering to experience a different kind of love, how this differs from romantic love, how it can make you feel human.

    I’m going to try these ideas.



  4.  #4Daria on September 1, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    whoa bookie juist hit like on my status just when after i was reading this and thinking about friendship with him

    i feel good about this like



  5.  #5Luzydel on September 1, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    So true; another way to say “He’s not that into you, so stop trying so hard”

    I remember the days when I used to get upset, when a man didn’t want to spend time with me, or hardly got in touch with me; then when I started to use RR’s tools and starting thinking that this will work and these men will star contacting me; but no, it wasn’t me doing some wrong that was turning them off; it was that they reach their expiration date and a few dates was all they could give me, etc. They were not that invested.

    Now I just observe, and though I do still hormonally attached, I am more aware. Never beg a man to stay with you, never!

    I like EMK’s mirroring technique… if he doesn’t call, do not call him… If he does then you answer. If he ask you out then you say yes etc. Respond to his actions accordingly, it will give you less headache.



  6.  #6April Rose on September 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    ” Choose someone who wants to invest in Trust. Someone trustworthy. Someone who has time, space, heart, energy, love for you.

    This is what you deserve in romantic love. Don’t settle for anything less.”

    Ooooooowwwwww… (yowling) (a mix of yelling and howling!!!!!!)

    I want to receive more abundance…….



  7.  #7Veronica on September 1, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I so need this.



  8.  #8Dominique on September 1, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    And this kind of romantic love WILL very likely trigger you in ways you may have never thought possible. Please don’t run away when the triggers show up.

    Allow them to trip you up, make you fall even.

    Working through these triggers can and will reward you in other ways you may have never thought possible. The intimacy and profound love which you will find on the other side will feel incredibly amazing.

    I’m not saying that you will feel awful the whole down this triggered path. This path will also feel wonderful, as you dance joyfully with your love together and stumble over your triggers. And then one day you will suddenly realize that the triggers have become like sand to run through your toes, barely an irritant at all.

    xxoo
    xxoo

    xxoo



  9.  #9Zia on September 1, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Love this post and dominique i especially love your response about being triggered as that has been happening to me. I am in a place where I’m open to these triggers and working through them slowly. The right man for me will come along at the right time.

    I LOVE rori’s advice about finding other ways to “give”!!



  10.  #10Elsie on September 1, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    I love this post so much I want to marry it. 🙂 LOL Just kidding, but seriously I love it. 🙂

    CollegeCD and I have this and I feel it and I get it now.

    But I still have walls up. He told me to just sit and be patient and he will work to take all my walls down. I just have to trust him, be patient while he does it, and not get in the way. 🙂 LOL. I love that -not getting in my own way. And I love that I am just sitting there while HE takes my walls down. He is doing all the work. I love it.

    I love your response Dominique too – very insightful. As the triggers come, just let them come and work through them.



  11.  #11Vi on September 1, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I feel sooo triggered by wonderful compliments coming my way from someone…. Those are just words but nevertheless I feel an urge to push that man away verbally. I feel anger under this urge… I feel a headache. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be where I am right now… I feel sad I don’t see myself the way he sees. And I intend to be there one day and feel as good about myself as other people do. I feel guilty I do not right now. It’s okay though. I’m doing my best and I know that. I love my guilt. And thank you amazing stranger and the Universe for the message.



  12.  #12Siren song on September 1, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    My guy is pretty great. He’s leaning forward, giving to me like crazy. We took a two week trip and he treated me like gold the whole time. He talks about kids, tells me he loves me, i feel GREAT with him 99 percent of the time. I had to go back to my home town to attend my grandmother’s funeral and I’m suddenly feeling anxious and clingy…he is still in touch, but it feels…weird and distant. I am not sure what this is. I am trying to love my feelings, but I am still feeling nervous that something has changed. Eek.



  13.  #13LoveAlways on September 1, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I want romantic love!



  14.  #14LoveAlways on September 1, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    I’ve been cding from the dating sites and so much is coming up in triggers and such, but I feel personal siren progress



  15.  #15Veronica on September 1, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    I feel so lost sometimes like I’m never going to get to a place where I can choose from men who want to be with me and who I feel good around.

    What I am proud of myself for is that although I’m feeling quite hopeless about my prospects, I’m not desperate. I was in a store yesterday and noticing a certain energy from a man, after realising he was married I had no desire whatsoever to hope for anything. I stuck to what that energy was doing for me. Together with other things I noticed about myself yesterday, I realise that I have this very deep need to feel love coming to me, not for me to have to ‘qualify’ for it in anyway. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this need – it feels so strong. I’m feeling so frustrated that I still can’t have that for myself.



  16.  #16Indigo on September 1, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Dominique,

    I love that about the triggers.

    And if we can just stick with it and allow romantic love to trigger us and heal us, what amazing things are possible.



  17.  #17Indigo on September 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Hi April Rose! 🙂



  18.  #18Indigo on September 1, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    Veronica,

    I still allow myself to be talked to by married men, and I receive it the way I would receive attention by anyone. Yes, it will never go anywhere romantically, yet you can still allow it to make you feel like a magnetic person whom people love to be around, and it can make you feel glowy. That’s what I try to do 🙂



  19.  #19SportSmile on September 2, 2013 at 2:32 am

    Hi,

    I feel triggered with this post.

    I feel sooo good to know what Romantic Love is.

    I am triggered to find my ROMANTIC LOVE and not settle for anything less as a woman.

    Thank You Rori for this wondeful post.

    Best Wishes.



  20.  #20flower on September 2, 2013 at 2:43 am

    Hi ladies!
    Can you give me some advice?
    i feel so lost right now
    i have been with a man for a year, then we broke up and since then we had a sexual relationship,we had broken up more than once but kept seeing each other eventually.last week after two years he said he thinks we need to move on,i feel guilty because i kept pushing him for some attention and that pushed him away,its not the relationship that i want, i want more but at least i had him.right now i am wondering if its really the end what will i do how will i live, i love him:(
    i feel so pathetic:(



  21.  #21Aurora on September 2, 2013 at 3:47 am

    Good morning Sirens
    well it’s been over two years since I’ve posted…..I have dropped in from time to time…..I feel warm and a sense that coming back to Siren Island is like visiting good girlfriends…

    So two years ago I became involved in a long distance relationship, not something I wanted, but something I felt I had to be open to ….I did feel good around him at the time….he treated me like a princess…..at the start I said that the LD had to be short lived…..he had plans that would tie up some of his projects….look for new work and move to my home town…..so I was patient…..

    …..and I was patient about his back ground when he told me he use to live a party/drug using/drinking background…..hey people change I thought……he was 55 when we started dating….so I was patient….he bought me a ring….a diamond heart ring….he said wear it on whatever finger you like….I wore it on my right hand……he sent gifts….he was kind to my children

    but then the time in between visits began to expand, weather was an issue, he had to work, he took an extra shift, his projects were delayed, his temper showed up….he fumbled to spend time…..so I was patient….but frustrated.

    After a year and a half I called him on it…I used the girlfriend speech, said I would not be exclusive but we could still date……he accepted that….

    Then fate stepped in. We were to cross the international border. The security there said “I don’t think so”. He had a criminal record. He didn`t tell me. They turned us back. I asked so many questions. He had been a drug dealer back home for years when he was younger. He wasn`t honest. He still wasn`t being honest. He left. He isolated himself. I tried to be friendly. I didn`t need anxious baggage. But I knew I had to let him go.

    I had to let him go. He wasn`t ready. I couldn`t compromise myself, my children or friends like that.

    He tried to `come back`several times. I worried. I thought I should try again.

    Until it hit me:
    GET BACK ON THE HORSE
    LET HIM GO
    STICK TO MY DESIRES
    MR RIGHT IS OUT THERE WAITING
    GET ON WITH LIFE
    DON`T BE STRUNG ALONG!

    So I did….all of the above…..

    I had such a sense of freedom and relief!

    No matter what age we are (I`m over 50)
    letting go can be the right thing to do when he just doesn`t fill the bill.

    love
    Aurora



  22.  #22Aurora on September 2, 2013 at 3:53 am

    🙂

    and……a month later I met someone new.

    He makes me feel like a princess……and he`s here….and he`s my age….and my siren makes him melt into a strong knight bowing at my feet who would do anything for me…..and he`s honest and credible and I feel so receptive to him…..and he speaks the language of a man in love who wants to dedicate himself to a woman…who is ready….

    and so in letting go…..the new adventure begins!

    xo
    Aurora



  23.  #23Syreena on September 2, 2013 at 4:42 am

    This thread is great

    What has circular dating taught me. That I have not been getting my needs met.
    IWhat do I want.
    The opposite to whatI had. No wonder I felt so angry, scared, miserable unhappy

    I want a man who cares about my heart and doesn’t want to hurt me.
    Is there for me to listen. To give me a hug when things feel bad. To be there for me. One who doesn’t dismiss what I feel. Someone who when someone hurts me doesn’t say. ” What did you do to make them hurt you.

    I have been scared of intimacy. As in the past it has been so very painful when I have got close to somone and then they have later wanted to hurt me or left me and no longer been around . So if I don’t get too close I can avoid this happenning.

    It feels so scary to reveal what hurts me or I don’t like as in the past people have then used this against me when angry with me. Wanting to hurt me or get back at me and to see me unhappy and in distress.
    This stilll bothers me. Is this really such a wise move to reveal what hurts us. Or to reveal our boundaries to have people wanting to test them and cross them.

    Some people get a kick out of seeing people distressed or lighting up like a christman tree. It makes them feel powerful.

    It feels inauthentic to not show my distress. Is this what I need to do? If so how do I do this?



  24.  #24Femininewoman on September 2, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Aurora what a beautiful transfixing story



  25.  #25Aurora on September 2, 2013 at 5:30 am

    HI Femininewoman
    Thank you…I wanted to share….A Siren staying true to herself is not always easy….

    but I think it`s the only way to real love.

    I know this new relationship has unknowns….. but I feel stronger in it.

    I have followed some of your comments over the last years here too! Thank you!



  26.  #26ArabianLove on September 2, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Amazing Aurora ! 🙂



  27.  #27Veronica on September 2, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Indigo – 18 – I like what you wrote. Especially how it feels free – not attached, just enjoying. Thank you : )



  28.  #28BeLoved on September 2, 2013 at 7:31 am

    (((Aurora)))
    and Brava for standing up for yourself!



  29.  #29Dominique on September 2, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Aurora – 19 & 20 – So nice to see you again, and YAY you!!! It feels so good reading this.

    xxoo



  30.  #30noquay on September 2, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Agree with most of Roris points but what if the men that have the time to spend with you are also men that you’re not attracted to at all and your lifestyles are very incompatible? Since this is a mainly impoverished, very redneck community, my only choices as an educated, far left, female environmentalist, farmer, educator, and athlete, are LDRs. Current LDR vacillates between distant and very affectionate, probably due to major issues in his life. I use the mirroring technique with him, if he doesnt call, I have plenty of chores to occupy my time. Finding more than one man so one can circular date is nearly impossible and practicing on locals can leave you with some serious problems showing up on your doorstep. I agree, never put a ton of emotional energy into someone that doesn’t reciprocate; I would add do not try and settle for someone you are not attracted to or who doesn’t share some core values. As a very alive 53 year old, I don’t feel ready for “old maid-hood” though.



  31.  #31Aurora on September 2, 2013 at 8:32 am

    It`s easier to speak about now,….but at the time of letting go, getting back on the horse….it can be scary and uncertain…..knowing that you HAVE to let go is certain….hoping a net is there to catch us……trusting that the letting go has to happen for the next part to come…..trusting that it will be good and we will be glad we did can feel shaky at the time…..thank you Sirens for your kind comments……

    sending you good loving vibes ….

    🙂



  32.  #32sequoia on September 2, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Hi Sirens and Rori
    Its a great post with a lot of wisdon, thank you Rori. I d like to comment on ‘Pick them because they’re good company .Because you feel good about YOU when you’re with them’ as I feel it can be misunderstood. If we pick man only because they should make us feel good – it can also be that we might ‘feed’ an emotional addiction and that is not loving to anyone – not to oneself and not to the man either. It might feel good but it might not be true love. True love also is confronting everything that isn’t loving within ourselves I personally believe in twin flames – soul mates, the other half of my soul, and this other half that is meant to be my ideal partner, might not be my ‘ideal man’ how I imagine him to be. He might be pushing all my buttons, all that needs to be healed – and that might not feel good at all, and I might not feel good in his company at times. He might be a criminal, or a lier, or a man of integrity…and I am not saying that one should put up with unloving behavior…and I am not saying that it might be easy…What I am saying is that one has to be careful not to reject one’s soulmate because he doesn’t fullfill ones’s requirements and needs/emotional addicitions/ expectations. And it is not realy loving to expect a man to make you happy, to expect a man to love you, all expectations are not loving. I am on my own learning journey, and by no means there yet, but I felt like sharing this with you, as I feel its a delicate issue.



  33.  #33BeLoved on September 2, 2013 at 10:06 am

    I realized that unhealed pain from the past was attracting me to painful experiences.
    I’ve been using a ton of tools – but I want to share this EFT video with you because I’ve found it so useful.
    It’s for “sexual abuse”, but it’s non-specific and doesn’t require any dredging up of any painful memories.
    It has really really been working for me..!!
    I have tapped along with this video every day for nearly 3 weeks so far.

    I understood it at an intellectual level, that holding on to pain only limits ME, and it’s finally making sense to my precious emotional self 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9l1iGVqn3M



  34.  #34Daria on September 2, 2013 at 10:55 am

    when I read Syreena’s words i feel so defensive and angry and triggered. I feel like attacking her for judging people like she know what they get a kick out of

    i feel so angry i feel like yelling

    i feel totally powerless to see the world as seeing the love in all people

    i feel defensive and blaming and judgmental

    i feel frustrated this judgment i noticed before is showing up in her posts and i feel judgemental

    i feel unsafe and unseen in my imagination in front of her

    i feel FURI
    OU
    S!!!

    i also feel small thinking of myself feeling unsafe in just those ways she writes about feeling, showing when i feel bad, being attacked when vulnerable

    i feel curious what this can heal for me, clearly this is something in my patterns that triggers me strongly and close to home for me



  35.  #35Daria on September 2, 2013 at 10:56 am

    i feel uncomfortable seeing people being judged that way as if someone else knows how they are (and its bad)

    i feel RAGEFUL

    im starting to see what this triggers me with in my fam

    i feel puffy faced



  36.  #36Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

    This is very interesting and a great post. I realized that one of my exes who was very lean forward with me, a doer, and so “in love” with me….bit it didn’t feel like love.

    It felt controlling. He was a controlling person.

    I can see/feel the difference now.

    I liked how i felt with cutecityCD because he was coming towards me so sweetly and with gifts and soo nice…
    I have NVs saying maybe I ruined it just because I’m so dysfunctional.



  37.  #37Femininewoman on September 2, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I know what you mean Daria.



  38.  #38Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 11:10 am

    CutecityCD is still in the picture but I’m not sure what’s up.
    The fact that I don’t know is kind of bothersome.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on September 2, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Emerson sometimes I wonder if what I experience as controlling is just a man being his true masculine self



  40.  #40Luzydel on September 2, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I sort of end it the short summer fling; It was getting intense in my part. and I haven’t argue with a man in years the way I argue with this man. I want to be just friends with no sex, because I was getting attached and as he told me, he did not want a relationship. he said he can try a friendship, but he will still have urges towards me.

    Then we had another argument. Then I just stopped. Wow! I feel everything right now. All my fears are awake and dancing inside of me! I am not looking for a sermon here, I knew what I was doing, and I needed someone to kinda create a revolution inside of me! I have no regrets. It was good! I don’t know if I’ll see him again, but I needed him for this short time to shake me up!! I feel like crying, don’t know it is because of him or because I needed to cry and been holding it! I have other prospects CD’s I will be fine in a few days… I admit, this was the most intense CD I ever had. It made me question everything about what is a real relationship, what is love, sex everything about me and men. I feel something I do! I am shaken, but I am not mad at him! deep inside I am glad I met him… I know I have shaken him… this was karmic!!!



  41.  #41Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    I’m still in a learning process journey so I will be gentle with myself…



  42.  #42Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    36 wow luzydel …
    Hugs to you and thank you for sharing that it’s very helpful and interesting to read about your experience.
    Healing and growing takes many forms for me…

    FW I hear what you’re saying but no this was actual controlling behavior and criticism from a man that was possessive of me from the start. I has mistaken it for love in the beginning.



  43.  #43Veronica on September 2, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I’m putting together a profile for another dating website. I’m actually enjoying it, I’m treating it as another opportunity to explore myself.



  44.  #44Hana on September 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    What a beautiful post! This is something that I’ve been needing to hear and to remember! wow



  45.  #45Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Veronica I’m in the same process! Exciting.
    I’m taking my time…



  46.  #46Hana on September 2, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Arabian Goddess- how are you today? To answer your question, I go to 2 clubs very often, and both places I meet my girlfriends there… So yes, I know close to have the people there hehe 🙂 I love it, have you ever danced Salsa?

    Describe your new hairdo!! It sounds like you took all the advice and do quite well when taking care of yourself. To be 23 and to have all this information so early is so essential to relationships, the only thing I was learning at this time was “The Rules” although it’s good, so basic…

    xo



  47.  #47Hana on September 2, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Has anyone gone to a matchmaker before? I’m thinking of doing it for a Jewish one….my girlfriend found a good guy through there after not dating for literally YEARS, and they are on month 4…

    Veronica, have you ever tried Match.com?



  48.  #48Hana on September 2, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    I want Romantic love, but I’m not feeling it for Mr Proposal….I want to feel it with someone…. so bad!



  49.  #49Cris on September 2, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Hello all!
    I wonder is this post is applicable for the first stages of a romantic love or for always. Because just imagine you are married to Mr Right who gives always the first one, and he gets very ill… suppose you have to forget this receiving mode and take care of him!!
    🙂



  50.  #50April Rose on September 2, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Hi Indigo

    😡
    (that’s a kissy face. I’m not sure if I just invented it!)



  51.  #51April Rose on September 2, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Oh 🙁

    It didn’t come out as a kissy face at all. It looks upset!

    :-}



  52.  #52April Rose on September 2, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    My love life:

    = adapting to him. Lots of space for me. Sigh.

    When will I find BALANCE?????!!!

    They are either too smothering/intrusive or too much the other way (leaned back).

    Aaaagh….

    Maybe it’s me. Have I got too narrow a zone into which a man’s ways can fit?
    My ideal partner Gives me Space, and then Comes Forward, Full of Cherishing, just when I need it…..



  53.  #53Dominique on September 2, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Cris – 45 – There will be times in relationship when you have to go into DOING mode for various reasons, one big one being if he is sick. Yes everything changes, and it can feel challenging, and it will feel bad having to be in masculine energy more than feels good and worse with and around your man.

    It will feel off, wrong, icky, yet you have to do what you have to do.

    Hopefully it’s a temporary thing, and while you’re in it, holding onto this knowledge is very helpful, that it won’t last.

    It can sometimes take awhile to rebalance, depending on how sensitive you are.

    xxoo



  54.  #54April Rose on September 2, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Wouldn’t a masculine man feel awkward and embarassed to be cared for by a feminine woman, and make alternative arrangements (with nurses or something) when he is ill?



  55.  #55ArabianLove on September 2, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Hi Hana,

    I am hanging in … I wish he hadn’t disappeared on me. Maybe I made it worse by calling and texting a bunch of stuff … but he had called on Friday… yet nothing since then. I don’t know. I’m back online but it feels very bad! Even though I’ve been messaged like crazy. Hmmm…. to answer your questions yes I have been salsa dancing and I got it cut short 😛 you can google Salma Hayek short haircut and that’s pretty much what I got. I look more polished and woman like 😉 ! I LOVE IT ! How are you ?



  56.  #56Dominique on September 2, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    April Rose – If he’s your partner, no probably not. He doesn’t like feeling sick, ad that’s as far as his thinking will likely go. And to have his woman take care of him in this time is in a way soothing. Men are way more okay with this than a woman, especially a sensitive woman. And it’s not necessarily that she feels resentful though she might find this coming up, it’s more that the masculine/feminine energy balance will be upset, and this feels really bad to her if it’s for an extended period of time.

    xxoo



  57.  #57Dominique on September 2, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    It will also depend on the level of illness.

    xxoo



  58.  #58Luzydel on September 2, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    I got a scale; I am back to 120! but my belly is still big 🙁 what can I do to slim my belly?

    haven’t heard From fling CD…I will call him SD. He said he needed space to work on his issues. He got hurt pretty bad. Got two more CD’s and have spoken a few times with captainCD… I don’t even know if I want marriage anymore, But I want to find my center and do not get out of it, even if I am shaken by a man. Like Rory says stay on my horse…



  59.  #59April Rose on September 2, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I like sequoia’s question.

    What if the right man pushes all your buttons? And it doesn’t feel good, yet it gives you the opportunity to work through your junk.

    Maybe it’s worth seeing how you feel after a period of processing…
    Surely romantic love has to start feeling good and fulfilling and happy and easy, at some stage?



  60.  #60Dominique on September 2, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    April Rose – It CAN feel good even as he’s pushing your buttons or summoning up your triggers. And as you work through them, it gets better. And better and better feeling.

    xxoo



  61.  #61Zia on September 2, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Hana – Yes I won a membership with a matchmaking company here, and so far all the dates have rated 1-3 on the attraction scale. Except for one, which was a zero.

    So I had to tell them I wasn’t happy with who they were matching me up with, we’ll see what happens next..



  62.  #62Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Sirens I am feeling relaxed takin Rome time off …I have not responded to cutecityCD message from the other day when he kinda dropped the ball on our plans.

    I feel good about taking my time to respond …since I’m not sure what to say or do, I will do nothing …



  63.  #63Diane on September 2, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    Aurora, 28 Thanks so much for your post; I needed to hear that. It’s so hard to trust that there will be a “new adventure” after letting go.



  64.  #64Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    I’m posting from my phone sorry for typos… I’m taking some time off not Rome time lol



  65.  #65Rori Raye on September 2, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    flower – Please read everything you can here, get the ebook (right sidebar) and we’ll help you Circular Date. Love, Rori



  66.  #66Rori Raye on September 2, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    noquay – I know this sounds harsh – but no one says we have to be married, have to be in a relationship with a man, or be in a relationship at all. If and when having a romantic relationship with a man becomes primary in your life, and you believe that there are no acceptable men where you live (and your comment is filled with that message – that it’s all “impossible”) – you’ll figure out a way to get yourself where men are. Any man who is interested in an LDR with no “being together” after 6 months, let’s say – doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Love, Rori



  67.  #67Millie on September 2, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Aurora–Thank you so much for sharing your story about letting go…it resonates with me and I see now more than ever how gracefully letting go what is not serving us will give us more direction and happiness in our choice to move forward on the path.



  68.  #68Emerson on September 2, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Testing



  69.  #69Millie on September 2, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    I have a question for you ladies…I think I may know the answer, but I’d love to hear some different takes on this:

    I consider myself fairly young and not “looking” to dive into a serious relationship yet, but I do want to date and eventually find true love, I do not want a friends with benefits. That said…this summer I’ve been spending a lot of time with a close female friend and when we go out we ALWAYS attract men to us, usually drinking is involved. A few times I have ended up making out with a man that same night. Yes, I had fun, I was in the moment, we felt a connection, (yes it was probably enhanced by alcohol.) I don’t regret it, we had a great time for what it was. The few guys also asked for my number. My question comes with how to proceed after this…

    With one man he suggested afterward, “Call me if you want to have some fun.” I quickly replied that I had a great time with him and enjoyed every moment..but going forward I’m not looking for to hook up or a friends with benefits. He said that my actions had misled him. I let him know that I was “in the moment” with him and really enjoyed that, but while am a very sensuous person, am looking to be involved with people who are interested in getting to know more sides of me than the sexual side. He ended up taking me on a date, so it all turned out ok…but I’m open to suggestions on tweaking my words.

    I don’t feel like it is wrong to kiss a man just because I want to, when we are both in the moment, with no expectations, but I do worry that it is misleading. The man who said that obviously doesn’t speak for every man, but I don’t want to get myself in the habit of backtracking with men. If a man calls or asks me out after the kiss, then I do feel it is ok to let him know that going forward I don’t want casual relationships. ANd yet…I also feel like the answer here is–Don’t do it in the first place.

    Thoughts?



  70.  #70Veronica on September 2, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    Emerson -45 – If I remember correctly, you were quite unhappy with the online dating thing. I’m glad to hear that you’re finding it different this time. I like building up the profile over a couple of days/weeks too : )

    Hana – 47 – Hi : ) I tried Match but I went into it too early and still felt very raw. I’m thinking of cancelling my profile on there.
    As for the matchmaker, I would consider it as another option and would feel quite curious as to what I would learn about myself.



  71.  #71Zia on September 2, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    Millie – of course its ok to kiss a man in the heat of the moment and not have him expect a physical only relationship!! Kissing a man because you’re attracted to him does not and should not automatically mean you’re up for sex.



  72.  #72Zia on September 2, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    And I DISAGREE that the answer is “don’t do it in the first place”.



  73.  #73Millie on September 3, 2013 at 12:01 am

    THANK YOU ZIA!!!!



  74.  #74Millie on September 3, 2013 at 12:09 am

    I feel weird using feeling messages sometimes. I was just texting with a man I met once (So I don’t know him much) and we were joking around…I realized I didn’t use a feeling message the entire conversation!! At the same time I also realized, I feel weird using a feeling messages when the conversation is humorous. I also realized I felt unsure of even saying “it feels good to talk to you…” or something simple like that. Partly because I’m not sure how it will be received since this is so new. Wow…I feel like I’m letting him lead, but I’m also not being vulnerable…hmmm maybe there will be more opportunity for that another time.



  75.  #75Zia on September 3, 2013 at 12:35 am

    Millie – I feel weird using feeling messages all the time too, but I get that the idea is to do that just to get used to expressing feelings, rather than being in your head. From what I’ve seen here, once you are speaking from your feelings more out of habit you don’t have to do it all the time.

    I don’t use them all the time either, but I do. If that makes sense. I’ve even changed the way I think about words now – stopping my inner dialog from saying things like I am stupid, or I am silly, or “beating myself up” sentences and instead using feeling messages with myself “gosh i feel silly!” makes a HUGE difference!!! Obviously it’s the same with positive sentences too but I see a bigger difference in flipping off that inner mean girl 🙂



  76.  #76Syreena on September 3, 2013 at 1:19 am

    Darias and FW’s words feel bad to me.

    They feel horrible and awful. Their anger makes me feel unheard and unsafe.

    My words about some people getting a kick out of others being distressed are true to me and what I have experienced in my real life situations.
    I only last week saw a group and adolencents taunting an old lady and she was cying,
    Yes I judge these adolecents and others like them they were enjoying taunting her and seeing her distress they got a kick out of it.

    I have seen this in my life more than once and also been on the receiving end of others getting joy from my distress, When someone is laughing or smiling or smirking when their words, actions or behaviour are distressing to others I stand by words and judgement that they are getting a kick out of it.

    I don’t want my real life experiences dismissed or to get attacked for them.

    Breath.
    Darias anger and FW words knowing what she means has nothing to do with me. It feels really bad that Daria wants to attack me. I don’t want to be attacked by Daria. And Fw words feel condescening to me.

    I



  77.  #77Sophie on September 3, 2013 at 2:19 am

    Millie – I am totally with Zia – I have kissed men and not seen that as a prerequisite and definitely not a lead on…

    I say things like “it would feel nice to see you again but I would like to date. I’m not looking for casual sex (or whatever) it feels good to get to know someone first…”

    23 Syreena it sounds like you’ve had some unpleasant experiences and i feel happy for you that the blog and CD’ing has helped you to realise that you want something different for yourself and that there are men out there that can be what you need – that there are people who are not looking to be abusive…becoming more vulnerable is a gradual process I think as is learning over and over again to just turn away from anyone with whom you feel bad…learning to trust yourself too is huge cos as Rori says if you trust yourself then you don’t have to focus on trusting others so much because you will turn away when you need to and the more you keep moving towards those who feel good and away from those who don’t the less it will present itself in your reality…and the more I focus in my life on the positive things around me and in the world the more I see the positive things around me in others and the world…it really does work…

    it definitely has worked for me…

    xx



  78.  #78Syreena on September 3, 2013 at 2:28 am

    Thank You Sophie. I feel heard and understood by you. xx



  79.  #79Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 5:42 am

    Millie – 69 – I see nothing wrong with your behavior at all. You enjoyed yourself, were in the moment as you say, and you were also honest and upfront with them after. I think your word choice was perfect.

    It doesn’t matter if a man thinks you mislead him. You know you didn’t. Kissing a man doesn’t give him free rein on the rest of you.

    xxoo



  80.  #80Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Zia – 75 – I love this. YAY!!!

    xxoo



  81.  #81Hana on September 3, 2013 at 6:11 am

    That sounds beautiful Arabian Goddess, is it dark brown hair you’ve got too? Are you from England?

    I have short hair, pixie cut, I recently just got it more styled, I was afraid it wouldn’t be as attractive, but everyone has told me it suits me so much better, I had super long hair before…

    I really recommend you to date other men, or to flirt with the idea, and other men! Hehe…but I do understand how you are feeling, I have been there before. And am sorta there now, still getting over heartache, but even my ex said after we got back together the last time that he noticed as I quote him “you don’t waste time eh?” He was referring to seeing me in the arms of someone else I was dating after we broke up lol…I think it was Feminine woman who said to me and I am praphrasing “Men have a secret wish to see their women with another man” lol 😉 love this!

    Xoxo



  82.  #82Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Hana – Be careful with this one. Please do not use this as a ploy or game to get a man back or to get him to step up more. Not all men wish to see their woman with another man, and under these circumstances, seeing this could push a great man very far away and for good.

    xxoo



  83.  #83noquay on September 3, 2013 at 6:22 am

    Rori
    Thanks. I live in a very uneducated , impoverished community with lots of drug/alcohol abuse issues. The demographics of this whole region would have to change, which they are for the 20 and 30 somethings. Many of my female colleagues are in the same boat which is one reason I was six job search committees last year. I actually have done the work to see what my options are including having the house assessed and just figuring out if I can bail out of my career now and go back “home” where there is more progressive community but I can still farm which is an important part of who I am. I would take a huge financial hit, loose my major retirement pension, and my credit rating would be slashed. If still single, although I am grateful for the good job (senior level academic) that enables me to have health care, take care of a chronically ill parent, I intend to retire early so as not to throw away the rest of my life. I do visit the nearest metropolis, though I hate the place. Men from there just don’t want to come here except to train when the races are in town. It is a 100 mile drive one way. The LDR is from this city. I was married to a wonderful man for 12 years; very intelligent (an ex Dean), passionate about the environment and social justice, and made keeping healthy a priority. I would like to be married again but not have to settle for someone who has drug issues, doesn’t care about themselves, and hates my values. I did try and date two of the better locals; one absolutely hated my values, home, lifestyle, pets, you name it. The other turned out to be seeing someone else in the aforementioned metropolis and basically lived a double life for two years. As a very good looking, older, educated man here, he had options that me, a woman in the same situation does not. Sorry I got off topic, but I did feel as though you were blaming me for not trying, which isn’t true. Those values that you state in your post are important but they’re not all. A man must also be on the same page as you in terms of lifestyle, core values, even level of ambition. I see so many colleagues, so many younger women here that have settled for a man who basically lives off of her, doesn’t support her goals in life, doesn’t do his fair share. These things too are vital to a successful relationship.



  84.  #84Hana on September 3, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Dominique, I was in no way saying she should make him jealous this way. I was saying it so she could date to feel better and make herself more valuable. I was sincerely dating another man, he saw me because we were in the same social circle. 🙂



  85.  #85Hana on September 3, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Hmm…this triggers something else in me, the idea of thinking so much about another man’s reaction, I am really tired of feeling like I’m walking on eggshells on how a man is feeling, I’ve always been respectful towards every person, man or woman, but I’m overloaded in regards to how I “need” to be. I want to be respectful but not overly cautious to how I’m making a man feel, I want to worry about myself, the most.



  86.  #86Linda on September 3, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Whats important in romantic love is how you feel…

    OMGosh… things with the man I have been exclusively dating I have called FavoriteCD have gone from feeling wonderful and blissful to UNBEARABLY TERRIBLE.
    I broke off things with the man I have been exclusively dating the I have called FavoriteCD last Friday. Things were so wonderful with him in the beginning. All the things I was hoping to find he felt like the man I have been waiting, praying for. He was so attentive, loving, chemistry abounded, he lead, rowed the boat. I felt wonderful with him , it all felt right and I was happy!

    The thing is… there has been a behavior pattern emerging over the last 6 months. In the midst of all the great things… he will out of the blue without warning expressing his unhappiness, disappointment, anger about my dog shedding to One that completely I have been trying to deal with and understand work thru and deal with my triggers etc. The frequency of

    He has a younger daughter that was not my first choice to have as a part of a romantic relationship I would be involved with at this stage of my life.. but I decided to accept it as a part of the package and she really is a sweetheart and we get along wonderfully.



  87.  #87Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Hana – 🙂

    xxoo



  88.  #88Hana on September 3, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Dominique – HUG! 🙂



  89.  #89Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Hana – 85 – Bottom line this is ALL about how YOU feel. And if the man in question, cannot handle this, then he’s not the man for you.

    The only person you need to be is YOU, real and authentic. This doesn’t mean you can’t work to find more effective ways of expressing yourself, communicating, viewing the world and you in this world which you are.

    So YES to what you say here.

    xxoo



  90.  #90Hana on September 3, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Dominique, that is beautifully well put. You are a wise Goddess…



  91.  #91GlowStix on September 3, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Romantic love triggers. It’s so true.

    No matter how AMAZING it felt to feel REAL romantic love for the first time in my life, the biggest feeling was fear. I could feel the fear rising, readying itself to push me back up and out of that deep intimate space.

    Thank the Universe I have spent so much time on my triggers and feelings. Because I was ready and able, in that moment, to say no to the fear pushing me out of that intimacy. I was ready to let that fear just exist within that moment WITH me. That fear became just another juicy part of that incredible moment in time.



  92.  #92GlowStix on September 3, 2013 at 7:30 am

    I felt afraid that this person might look into my eyes, look beyond my skin and really SEE me.

    I let that fear be. And what I felt afraid of did happen. And when it happened I just kept breathing. Breathing and existing and I reciprocated the looking. As he looked into me, I looked into him and what I saw there literally took all that breath away. It was beauty. Pure and raw and un-paralleled beauty. I saw everything he ever desired coming to him. I saw joy and deep appreciation. And that was ME, in his eyes.

    I feel delicious shivers just thinking about it.



  93.  #93GlowStix on September 3, 2013 at 7:38 am

    I learned. Yay!

    Don’t close your eyes and HOPE that all that love is coming your way. It feels REALLY SCARY to open to that. It’s only everything I could ever desire in love. To just BE the entire Universe without actually doing anything. Wow. And yet still the urge is to close my eyes because then I can allow it to happen without feeling the fear.

    No. Without experiences life is nothing at all. And if I close my eyes, maybe it is happening, but if i’m not experiencing it, feeling it, it is really nothing at all.



  94.  #94GlowStix on September 3, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Man man man man

    Men are such amazing and really powerful creatures. You know? Maybe some don’t exist within that. I like the ones who do. The love a man can have for a woman…Dang. I truly believe it has no equal. The real love a man has for a woman. Gosh…Why ever was I so TERRIFIED of that? So terrified that, at one point, I can remember fully convincing myself it didn’t really exist in that way. Maybe it’s terrifying because it’s so powerful. I thought… There is NO place the love of a man can take me, that my own love for myself can not. And maybe that’s true…Yet, stuttering breath and tears and feeling overwhelmed by my own love for me is just different than feeling this through his love for me. It’s so different, and I feel blessed to have experienced both.

    I hope the blog is hungry…I’m frying up some spam for breaky ;);p



  95.  #95Linda on September 3, 2013 at 7:54 am

    @ 86..Please ignore it the post is all disordered and I hit send accidently Just a sign of how out of it I am I guess.

    It should read… I NEED HELP.

    What’s important in romantic love is how you feel…

    OMGosh… things with the man I have been exclusively dating I have called FavoriteCD have gone from feeling wonderful and blissful to UNBEARABLY TERRIBLE. I broke off things with him last Friday…a long overdue event that I have been trying to work thru with him for weeks. I finally just reached my breaking point and called it all off. Things were so wonderful with him in the beginning. All the things I was hoping to find he felt like the man I have been waiting, praying for. He was so attentive, loving, chemistry abounded, he lead, rowed the boat. I felt wonderful with him , it all felt right and I was happy!

    The thing is… there has been a behavior pattern emerging over the last 6 months. In the midst of all the great things… he will out of the blue without warning expressing his unhappiness, disappointment, anger about things that ranged from my dog shedding to his grocery bill increasing since he has been dating me. All aimed at me blaming me pointing out and what I am NOT being, doing, offering, changing etc etc. I have been trying to respond and work thru each thing . Not throw the baby out with bathwater so to speak but I just simply became DONE with it all. I am so tired of being what feels to me like I am being ambushed with hostility. He would do it at bedtime or when I was at work via text…with no consideration for how it would affect me.. which was by the way, becoming more that I could bare. I wondered how a man could be so unhappy with so many things about me would still want to be with me. I was boggled !! I felt like I was dealing with Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde !!!!!

    Then I turned it around. How was “I “feeling.. VERY UNHAPPY and SICK of him ambushing me and regergitating/hurling what I would describe felt like firey spike balls at me. Issues come up, I expect that when you are learning to be with another person…and it was here and there in the beginning of our relationship. Like I said I tried to listen and respond to each thing…..but in the month of August three times, which led me to my… DONE decision.

    When I focus on how I felt… anxious, fearful, weary, worried, unheard, nit picked at, cornered and controlled and unablee to meet his Expectations. Even in listening and doing some of the things I heard where his needs.. it was not good right or good enough. I heart has been shutting down… I lingered, listened, adjusted… tried to respond… I surrendered to make it so I felt better.

    I broke it off with him Face to face…he begged me to talk…I did but it led to nothing but the same. Since he has begged me to open my heart to him again.. that he does not want to loose me that he loves me. I just dont have it in me. There needs to be another set of ears…maybe a counselor. He agreed to that idea but he wanted me to be a couple with him again.. committ to a whole hearted relationship with him again… accept my part of the issues… OMG

    What do I do?



  96.  #96Femininewoman on September 3, 2013 at 8:15 am

    (((((((((((((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))))

    I feel a bit of panic and frustration in your comments. The only thing that came to mind was stop, breathe, relax. The sky will not fall in if you don’t make an immediate decision regardless of his urgency or what he says.

    It seems you are in a space where you want to slow things down. I encourage you to follow your heart.



  97.  #97Sophie on September 3, 2013 at 8:38 am

    ((((Linda))))

    I agree with FW – certainly about listening to your heart…

    What is your heart telling you?



  98.  #98Mercedes on September 3, 2013 at 8:40 am

    GlowStix: I LOVE this!!! “Men are such amazing and really powerful creatures. You know? Maybe some don’t exist within that. I like the ones who do. The love a man can have for a woman…Dang. I truly believe it has no equal. The real love a man has for a woman. Gosh…Why ever was I so TERRIFIED of that? So terrified that, at one point, I can remember fully convincing myself it didn’t really exist in that way. Maybe it’s terrifying because it’s so powerful.” 🙂 LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!

    Linda: I’m with FW here. Breathe honey…your heart will tell you where to go and what to do…slow down and breathe. You have my love and hugs today…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  99.  #99Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 8:44 am

    @Linda

    I’ve had a similar experience … {{{hugs}}] that hidden covert anger that slips out …. directed at what appears to be me…

    Taking time away really helped me…

    whatever you decide…. be true to you! and listen to you! and love you!

    sending you lots of love and peace…..

    OXOX



  100.  #100Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Linda – It seems to me you did the right thing. Put your hands on your heart, and breathe love to yourself. Lavish yourself with love. You already know what you need and want to do. Sleep on it. Meditate on it. Your clarity around this will come. Allow it.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  101.  #101Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 8:59 am

    My date with “R” lasted all afternoon until night… I kept saying I probably need to go…. he said please don’t let’s do this…

    I have to say, how wonderful it felt to use the tools ( though at times I’d forget) and just do nothing…. and this man was so affectionate… always asking me what I wanted… ask me “I want to know what makes you happy” omg.. “M” never said that…

    I’ve kept in mind what Rori says… and this post above really fit… that to just watch how I felt in his presence ….how into me he is… and I have to say… it was so kind of made me nervous when we finally met face to face…. that he couldn’t talk… he said I can’t speak, I’m just so taken with you… he literately didn’t say much for about 30 mins… he just looked at me…

    I have no idea what will happen but I’m in tears today… b/c it felt so wonderful to watch a man be so taken with me… that he literately turned to mush…(I’ve had it before but never to this extent) and how it feels to have a man really want to do anything to make me happy…

    Most men I date just keep telling me I’m beautiful on the date and I can sense that it is just skin deep… this time we talked for days before, so were already feeling certain things before meeting in person… so it was different… he already really liked me… for me… before…

    but he listened to me!!!… and ask me questions!!!… and didn’t spend all the time talking about himself… OMG that felt good!

    It was a really nice experience…

    OXOXO



  102.  #102Sophie on September 3, 2013 at 9:13 am

    yay Lisa! I feel happy for you that it was a good experience with R especially as it was the first time you met him in person 🙂



  103.  #103April Rose on September 3, 2013 at 9:31 am

    It’s becoming SO clear to me that the man I choose to be with (or put up with!) is a direct reflection of how I care for myself.



  104.  #104April Rose on September 3, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Lisa,

    Sounds lovely, to have someone showing that interest.
    Mmmm.
    I do believe you have been listening to yourself, and feeling curious about your own depths recently…..



  105.  #105Hana on September 3, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Lisa what you wrote was stunning to read! How lovely! I love when dating gives you a little piece of magic, that’s what is the best thing about it. So nice..

    I always feel objectified by a lot of men that I just wish one of them would ask me “what does it feel like to be told you’re beautiful?” As opposed to “wow, you’re so pretty” 🙂

    Xo



  106.  #106sequoia on September 3, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Linda,
    this feels so sad when sthg that starts so promising suddenly or slowly turn into a struggle. But maybe there are some hidden gifts in there for you.

    How does it make you feel being basically ‘told’ that you ‘are not good enough” by him?

    Beyond the frustration and anger, there might be fear and a lot of grief for you to feel. Maybe you felt like this with your mum, or dad, or siblings. Maybe he is just showing you sthg. you have taken on to believe about yourself subconsciously.

    It could be a possibility for yourself to take some time of the relationship and dig in there, to relieve some possible core injury. You could explain that to him,speak your truth, let yourself go into your pain and see what happens when you come out of it, see how you feel about him etc.



  107.  #107Mercedes on September 3, 2013 at 10:46 am

    I’m feeling out of sorts today. I’m so, so busy at work trying to get caught up from being on vacation and yet I’m not motivated at all and want nothing more than to be out of here today…maybe always…I don’t know…this is a real struggle for me right now.

    Vacation was absolutely wonderful…but then J had to take off on a business trip today and I have so, so much to do with my day job and my son and our new business…I miss J very much already and normally, at this time today, I wouldn’t be seeing him anyway because we would both be at work.

    Maybe I’m just tired or cranky or hormonal or something. But right now, I just really, really don’t want to have anything to do with the corporate world or my life in it. It feels consuming to me, yet boring. I’m not growing in this job and it’s doing nothing for me intellectually or emotionally or spiritually. It is dragging me down and what I want more than anything else right now is to curl up with a good book that will advance me on my journey and move on to another chapter in my life. Unfortunately, bills get in the way and I have to wait until our business is up and running and can afford me.

    I hate being tied to money and corporate life. I always thought I wanted a big corner office. I have one now and it’s doing absolutely nothing for me.

    Sending good vibes and over the top fantastic intentions for my yoga and meditation spa to be the place I can spend my time very, very soon.

    Sorry for the downer post…I’m just feeling really out of sorts today. Really wanting the professional/spiritual/emotional life I dream of…not the one I have in this moment.

    I know I need to be in the moment and appreciate all I have and understand that everything is as it is supposed to be right now. I know all that. But if I’m honest, my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all in the future, not in today. Not in this moment.

    Okay…I’ll take a minute to meditate (because you should meditate daily…unless you are busy…then you should meditate twice daily) and to write a gratitude entry in my journal and to raise my vibrational frequency. Because sitting here, stuck in my desire to be sitting somewhere else, is not helping. Any positive vibes from y’all would be more than welcome right now. Sending healing to my heart and peace for my moments. I need that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  108.  #108MovingMagic on September 3, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Linda, I feel like more often than not when a person comes at me, fingers pointing…they’ve bumped up against themselves in some way. I rarely take responsibility for these things anymore. If/when there is something I need to take a deeper look at, I will. Breathing is great. I found some amazing music on YouTube last night, which is designed for just these kinds of moments.
    Outside of breathing & sitting with these feelings…I wonder if this is what you want your life story to look like? Are these issues you want to deal with? If so, what tools will need to be used to do so?



  109.  #109Indigo on September 3, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Mercedes,

    I am in a yucky place myself today which always, for some reason, makes it easier to send loving, healing vibes to others, which I send to you now.

    May you experience great peace and contentment today.

    xx



  110.  #110Femininewoman on September 3, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Mercedes this sound so unlike you.

    Sending you positive vibes



  111.  #111Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Miss M – <3

    Call me if you need to.

    xxoo



  112.  #112BeLoved on September 3, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Mercedes – sending you a happypuppywiggle pink glitteringconfetti love bomb
    with time-release, so it glides in all ninja and stealth-like, then slowly builds up to escape ridiculosity, raising the frequency of light and love in your heart and soul until, before you know it, you’re swimming in a free-floating, free-flowing ever expanding realm of infinite joyful possibility.
    Detonating in 3…2…1…



  113.  #113BeLoved on September 3, 2013 at 11:02 am

    There’s enough for all of the sirens who want their own…sending out a fleet…



  114.  #114Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 11:05 am

    BeLoved – LOVE this and thank you. 🙂

    xxoo



  115.  #115Mercedes on September 3, 2013 at 11:11 am

    You ladies are the most amazing group of girlfriends a woman could EVER want!! Now you have me in tears…but the good kind.

    Indigo…I know what you mean and I appreciate that so much. Sending you love and light as well. I appreciate you being here for me today. I am here for you as well.

    FW…it doesn’t feel like me. It’s not a place I go to often and I’m trying hard to listen to my heart and really pay attention to what I am needing. Thank you so, so much!

    Dominique…I wish I could. I’m so busy right now I only have a few minutes between tasks but I hope I can call you tomorrow. I could use your soothing voice…you always, without fail, know how to make me smile. I miss you. Love to you.

    Beloved…that is such a beautiful picture you painted for me. How could it do anything less than lift my heart? You are precious and I love, love, love what you wrote here. Thank you so much!

    This is temporary…I’m sure of that…and I will feel my way through it…and I will receive all the love you all are sending me today. I will receive it and return it to you and cherish it for what it is…my life saver and my comfort.

    Much Love to each and every one of you!
    Mercedes



  116.  #116BeLoved on September 3, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Mercedes – what I’ve been wanting to thank you and express appreciation for – is inspiring me to reclaim my friggin’ ANGER and my attitude. Grr…!

    I had a big old EFT session with myself yesterday and had to just own it…I was with T because I was desperate. Totally desperate, on the rebound, and mentally ill after having 4 miscarriages, a broken engagement, and a lot of previous baggage.
    Yup. Desperate and nuts. And I love and forgive myself.

    I just now…at lunch, doing EFT…made up again with my inner little girl. B and I used to have TONS of fun, we laughed hysterically often.
    Everything was So Friggin Serious with T.
    Nothing was lighthearted. Everything was an ordeal. (I’m being a little dramatic 🙂 ) If we had fun together, it was like…a miracle.
    WTF IDK and wow thank you that it’s over and thank you Mercedes for reminding me of who I am.

    This was so totally me:

    “Why Wasn’t I Enough for your Crumbs? When you Wonder Why You Weren’t Enough (even though what was on offer sucked.”

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-arent-i-enough-for-your-crumbs/

    “I was willing to make ends meet with your crumbs and put them through the exaggeration oven and turn them into a loaf while making up the shortfall with my love, devotion and lack of boundaries and you still don’t want me?”

    hahaha 🙂

    So thank you thank you thank you thank you!
    I’m free again!
    And giddily preparing to go visit my superawesomesuperhighvibe friends again, this time feeling like I am actually belong to the human species, too, and ready to have a fricking fabulous time!!

    ((((Mercedes))))



  117.  #117Jean on September 3, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    I started Rori’s programs about 2 weeks ago after a big blow up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I grew up being told that I should always be good. That being happy was good. Feelings were bad. Pollyanna was good. And don’t ever embarrass us. I am working hard at feeling. At letting go of control. Of living in the present and not worrying about the future. I did practice melting with him for two nights last week….and WOW! 🙂 Just letting him be in control was fabulous. But I went home this weekend to see family and will see my boyfriend tonight and I feel icky again. Afraid of backsliding after I had been doing so well. Last night I had two dreams that I was involved in serious car wrecks. Both times I walked away, but I do feel out of control right now and not liking it. Please tell me it gets better and easier.



  118.  #118Mercedes on September 3, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Beloved: You are soooo sweet! Thank you for those words…I love hearing that I can be an inspiration…I love that so, so much and I LOVE reading about your progress on your journey. 🙂 Such a beautiful journey! I will call you and we can chat. Right now, things are just pretty crazy!

    Jean…it does get better and easier. Take a few minutes to remove your focus off of backsliding (focus on that will get you nowhere…) and trying putting it on your own words here…meditate on this maybe:

    ” I did practice melting with him for two nights last week….and WOW! 🙂 Just letting him be in control was fabulous.”

    Because THAT is a beautiful thought…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  119.  #119Mercedes on September 3, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Elsie: In getting a little bit caught up here…

    I’m so happy for your happiness right now. 🙂 Enjoy!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  120.  #120Dominique on September 3, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Jean – Being open and curious to whatever unfolds, letting go of expectations which include “shoulds” (it would be a good idea to eliminate this word from your vocabulary), as well as any kind of agenda, and just try to BE. Try to BE with and enjoy any and all feelings which might arise, the bad feeling ones as well as the good feeling ones. Love on your anxiety and ickyness as much as when you feel peaceful and happy.

    xxoo



  121.  #121Millie on September 3, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you Sophie, Dominque, and Zia for your support and reassurance! So happy to have your advice and outlook!



  122.  #122ArabianLove on September 3, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Thank you Hana and Dominique.

    I had very long hair as well and I progressively changed looks by cutting it over the last year. I dyed it dark dark brown on the verge of black 🙂
    And no I am not from England .. are you? It’s funny how I feel a connection to you. Like you are taking care of me 🙂 … Thank you!

    I feel so confused and disappointed that it was this easy for him to back away. I know I said something about him maybe not wanting what I want and I know it can be scary and I probably shouldn’t have done it over text message but you know it is what it is. I feel disappointed because I never categorized him as all the other guys.
    Anyways, you want something you prove it, and that’s what he will have to do.

    I know meeting other people would be good. But I am one of those people that if I see you in the arms of someone else I would become greatly offended and start not to trust you at all. That’s why it hurts me to go back online … plus I know I have to work on myself … but i dont know where to start. I just want to be able to do what I want and feel love within my soul! I am very disappointed in this whole situation.



  123.  #123Linda on September 3, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Yes … slow down. My heart agrees.
    Yes… listen to my heart…. my Dad always said…”follow your heart and not your head”.

    My mother text me yesterday and said…”Linda I trust in my heart that you will do what needs to be done to make life the best it can be for you.” Put it behind you today”. THat was EXACTLY what I needed to hear !

    Yesterday…I did only what wanted to do and it felt REALLY good. I focused on ME ONLY. Ahhhh! I feel embarassed to admit that the reason I that something that was so simple not done was because I was caught up in trying to meet his expectations to appease him at my expense. ( I have let him push me to fit his schedule, wants, and desires ALL summer). I simply was manipulated and realize that now.

    I totally understand how having expectations in a relationship will KILL IT ! It slowly strangles and suffocates it.



  124.  #124Linda on September 3, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    My heart heart feels closed to him now. I once felt excitement and joy.. wondering what was going to happen next when I was with him but with every outburst from him it shifted to wariness of wondering what was going to happen next. I have actually stayed engaged for sometime … waiting, hoping, working on it to feel “right again” but it just doesnt. Right now I do not believe that that thing that has brought me to the decision I made last Friday will not happen again and I simply can not bare it. It has happened so many times… Fear? I felt lots of fear until last friday and when I broke it off it went away. I felt like I had crawled out from under a rock.. and when I answered his communications later.. it all came rushing back in again. Yes… my heart is closed.



  125.  #125Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    @Hana

    Yes, it is ….. Thank you!

    I do know that some men really just objectify when they say your beautiful…. and them some men that really are feeling your vibe…

    and so “R” already had feelings for me before he met me in person… so I didn’t feel objectified….

    But yeah it would be nice to have them ask that question…. and or mean it from the inside out…

    Men are visual though… and through the first several dates…that is what they focus on … unfortunately… then when the feelings start to come… and so that is what I understand…

    Thanks so much!

    <3

    @Mercedes… I totally get what your saying… I'm sending you lots of love and peaceful energy. I know the corporate scene can be draining… {{{hugs}}}}



  126.  #126Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    @April Rose

    thanks! 🙂

    I’ve been curious about my depths for 20 years… yes, it is a continual journey… 😉

    {{{hugs}}}}

    OXOXO



  127.  #127Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    @Sophie

    Yes! Thanks so much! 🙂

    OXOXO



  128.  #128Linda on September 3, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    @ 106…. I dont know about a core injury. I did not grow up in a environment like you mentioned.

    I definately have spoken my truth to him…and have not minced words. He actually said.. maybe what you have done is what it finally has taken to get my true attention. Funny thing is I did not do it to get his attention at all. I am not a manipulator that way though some people are. I weigh my words before I speak them.. knowing that when you do they can never be taken back.

    He certainly has sent me commincation that feels desperate and clingy.. which is actually repelling me. He has begged me to go away with him next week, but I said no. The idea of it makes me nasiated (literally).

    The one pattern I can see throughout my entire life is when I am treated as he has repeatidly done.. (spewing his issues at me)… I physically manifest my reaction….with instant nausia and diahr…(sorry to be so graphic) … beyond that I can not sleep, often will get a headace that lingers. At resolution.. I am so depleated it will take me a day to recover.

    I have been dealing with this alot with him.. and I told him that I literally Physically can not take it anymore!



  129.  #129Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    I almost got to the point of being speachless today when “R” called me….

    he called to see when I was available this week to see him…. I told him I was free Wed and Fri and he said well which day do you want to see me…

    I wanted to stay feminine… and not coax… so I paused…

    Usually when I tell a man when i’m available… he leads to say what day or days he wants to see me….

    “R” said I don’t want to hog all your free time… I said “I’m available both days, let me know which days you want to see me.” I said if you want to hog my time, tell me. ( not exactly how I said it… it was very light hearted) I was really just being open to him leading the way… and I was also open to going to the concert on Friday with my friends if he didn’t choose Friday… so I didn’t want to lead him to pick one day over the other… but geeez… I panic when I don’t have a clue how to respond… he chose both… and I said: might I make a suggestion, I’d really love to see this band that is coming on Friday… he said that’s what we’ll do…

    then he went on to tell me how I’ve hypnotized him and that he had a hang over for the hormones from yesterday… he said he was so high on them yesterday…..he said what did you do to me…

    ( I didn’t write the convo down) but basically I said this b/c I didn’t have a clue at that point …. what to say… I wish I had a scripting fairy… to sit on my shoulders… LOL!

    Or beat the feeling messages into me… so when I’m on the spot I remember them…

    OXOXO



  130.  #130Linda on September 3, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    @100 Dominique… You words feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my trembling self.

    They are like darts that have pierced thru fog and have let brilliant sunshine burst forth.

    You are so wise… thank you



  131.  #131Linda on September 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    @128 Lisa that feels wonderful to read! Almost intoxicating in a healing kind of way!



  132.  #132Linda on September 3, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    I am a strong woman.. with intriquely woven delicate parts. oooh that feels beautiful to say



  133.  #133April Rose on September 3, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Soothing Hugs to you, Linda.



  134.  #134Sophie on September 3, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I like the energy on here tonight (its my tonight :)) – So much loving energy and appreciation

    I hope your evening feels more peaceful Mercedes ((HUGS))) I feel excited for you though I hear ‘cuspy’ feelings when one door is closing and another opening its kind of like a consolidation of everything during a major transformation one foot in the old one foot in the new…that’s what I associated with your post 🙂

    But to you and Indigo my day felt yucky too though I feel peaceful now but I exhaust myself with all the trying I do – constantly trying – even loving myself is a constant trying – I just want to let it all go

    peaceful evening with cdb – he has some horrible things going on personally and i have been feeling stress with that the last couple of months – in many ways he has moved so much closer to me and that has felt good – i feel that he feels safe with me, he is opening up and i feel safe with him – in so many slow and gentle ways it unfolds – its quite strange…

    Linda I feel happy that you have had so much support to follow your heart…sometimes our hearts get drowned out by all the voices around us

    Lisa/Hana when men tell me I’m beautiful I say “thank you it’s true” ha ha ha I enjoy that very much (if I could do a winky face I would)



  135.  #135Sophie on September 3, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    129 Beautiful words Linda



  136.  #136lacey nancers on September 3, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    I think he would want to see you as much as he could. I know i would like to see a concert.myself. but wednesday at 12:12 sounds good for a meeting. Lately been confused talked to a someone named lorie just know. I guess it was the wrong number.



  137.  #137Emerson on September 3, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Sirens my correspondence with cutecityCD is “back to normal” now that the weekend is over. I feel skeptical and a little curious why I don’t typically hear from him on weekends.
    Just wondering that’s all.



  138.  #138Emerson on September 3, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    I realize “wondering” what he’d up to on the weekend is energetically leaning forward…



  139.  #139Alhakale on September 3, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    I feel like I’m in a constant state of panic.

    He was asking me to marry him, asking me
    over there every day, gave me a key etc..

    All of the sudden, after a drunk call from his
    ex he got very angry with me and told me he
    wanted to spend the day alone. I felt very hurt
    and there have multiple changes of heart from
    Him like this.

    I reacted by leaving upset. He sent me
    A text after I left saying he feels like he is
    messing up a very good thing with a wonderful
    Woman like me. I responded that I needed some
    Time for myself to take care of myself. I haven’t heard
    From him since.

    Now, I am feeling crushed. I think he is bad for me and
    I feel like a second choice unless his ex
    Wants him back. I’m so freaked out right now 🙁



  140.  #140Zia on September 3, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Mercedes 107- “But right now, I just really, really don’t want to have anything to do with the corporate world or my life in it. It feels consuming to me, yet boring. I’m not growing in this job and it’s doing nothing for me intellectually or emotionally or spiritually. It is dragging me down and what I want more than anything else right now is to curl up with a good book that will advance me on my journey and move on to another chapter in my life. Unfortunately, bills get in the way and I have to wait until our business is up and running and can afford me.

    I hate being tied to money and corporate life. I always thought I wanted a big corner office. I have one now and it’s doing absolutely nothing for me.”

    THIS! A thousand times, THIS!!! I was feeling the same way yesterday, to the point of almost being in tears. I suspect for me hormones are playing a bit of a part of why these feelings are magnified, but the feeling has been there for a long time now. I’m currently in the middle of getting organised with study for what I want to do next, but I wish I could just pack it all in and go do it but the bills and rent have to be paid…..



  141.  #141Zia on September 3, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Mercedes – I actually feel really comforted to know that there is someone else going through the same things that I am at the moment, and feeling the same way xx



  142.  #142Linda on September 3, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I received a card in the mail from him. Saying that if wished he could take back time to when there was no hurt between us and re live the moments so he could hold me longer and tell me more how much I mean to him and that he would never hurt me. But he knows he can go back to those days and knows he cant erase the mistakes or take away the questions that I have or the hurt. It ends with he can assure me of one thing.. that he loves me as he did then and as he always will.

    I am touched…. that is all I can say for now.

    The intriquitely woven delicate parts of me have been stomped on tooo many times. How careless of him….Did he not know that I would reach the end of my ability to endure it….?? I need healing.



  143.  #143Olivia on September 3, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    @Millie. On “warning” a guy you made out with that you are not that kind of girl, so to speak….

    I don’t think it’s necessary to “warn” him of anything -it’s putting yourself in his head! You felt good and wanted to kiss him at the bar. You can go out with him again and kiss him again or not, or go further than kissing or not. But be a Siren the whole time and have fun and gather more information.

    On our very first date to a sleazy dance club with friends, my boyfriend and I drank and smoked far too much, made out on the dance floor, and he even finagled his way into my house and slept over. But whenever things got too “fast” for me in our early phase, I would stop and say “I feel nervous.” And he would take notice and adjust his behavior accordingly. And it was FINE and I’m convinced it made him want me MORE.

    When we reminisce about our early days, with total pride my boyfriend will say something along the lines of “you little slut!” remembering how quickly we got physical. With equal pride he’ll say something along the lines of “You little prude — it took me (x amount of time) to get into your pants!” (meaning have actual intercourse).

    But it all stems from me being REAL. It felt good to get physical and then it felt vulnerable and real to say “hey I feel nervous/silly/uncomfortable/not ready”.

    Hope that helps….you can’t go wrong here. If the second date or “meet up” turns out to feel bad, then no need to see him again. But why not find out without any preconceived notions?



  144.  #144Olivia on September 3, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    And just a postscript because I can’t help it!

    One of my friends had a one night stand with a fella on the first night she met him. He had to get up early the next day for work and attempted to kick her out of the house because he couldn’t get rest with a strange woman in his bed. She looked at him like he was nuts and said “Why don’t YOU go sleep on the couch.” He realized this made sense, he was being a jerk, and went to the couch.

    Two days later he asked her out for a date.

    After two years of dating, they got married this summer. He ADORES her and treats her like absolute GOLD and loves to brag how he picked her up at a bar and now she is his WIFE.

    Plenty amazing relationships start out in a sleazy fashion! I’m not advocating sleeping with anyone on the first date, but it’s all about the attitude and how you feel .



  145.  #145Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    @ Linda Thanks! 😉

    @ Sophie… oh I do say thank you! I love it!… but I’d rather it not be the most important reason they are with me… nor the reason I’m with them…

    OXOXO



  146.  #146Millie on September 3, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Olivia! Thanks so much for your stories, they made me smile and feel good inside!!
    You are definitely right about not having any preconceived notions. I’ve been approached many times for friends with benefits and such, so I was a little worried that my actions are giving the impression that that’s what I’m seeking, which is wrong. It’s more about being true and not misrepresenting myself, but as you say I can kiss whenever I feel like it! I say yes and no and when…

    I’m also smiling inside because this guy I made out with from the bar the other night DOES want to go on a date! He surprised me with being thoughtful about me and didn’t even mention any sort of hook up inuendo. Pleasantly smiling and looking forward to this….Yay!



  147.  #147Lisa on September 3, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    142 @Olivia

    That is a wonderful story…. something for me to contemplate…

    Side note:

    I noticed on my date with “R” that when he said, I’m going to walk behind you…. in a cute way… I said “NO” and he thought wow… and I thought hey that felt good…

    So no smiley cutsie sugar coating it like with “M2” just NO! Then things went right back to the conversation at hand…

    OXOXO



  148.  #148Millie on September 3, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    Lisa–YAY!!!!!!! I’m so happy for you, what a different energy this man is from your previous….must feel so enchanting to have a man react that way to you! 🙂



  149.  #149Emerson on September 3, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I feel unattached to the outcome with the couple guys I’m talking to.
    I feel like I have other options waiting for me….
    If these don’t work out.



  150.  #150Emerson on September 3, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Mercedes sorry you’re feeling that way!
    Sometimes it’s just an “off day” and tomorrow might feel better!
    I have days like that where I want to change everything and fr eel burned out.
    Then the next day I snap out of it…



  151.  #151Veronica on September 3, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Mercedes – I don’t know, your feelings re: corporate culture make you seem very human to me. I hope your day went well.



  152.  #152Zia on September 3, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    So this weeks marks 6 months since I started on my “self love bootcamp”. I can’t believe it’s been 6 months!!! When I said I was going to work on this for 6 months it seemed so long, and daunting, and scary. And my primary motivating factor was the hope of getting my ex back.

    Well I am so happy right now. For the first time in my life I have no pull to be in any of my previous relationships. I don’t look back on them and wish I was “back there” in time. I am happy and loving my life, moment to moment. And it was discovering Rori that started it all. So I want to say thank you Rori!



  153.  #153Veronica on September 3, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    My online profile hasn’t even been completed yet and I’ve had three visitors and one person asking why my photos weren’t up. I was expecting no contact for a month or two and was enjoying the process of putting my profile together as a way to explore myself and what I really want. Quite funny actually, my not expecting a response.



  154.  #154Femininewoman on September 4, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Alhakale every relationship usually reaches a choicepoint. Ask yourself why are you freaked? Ask yourself if you can handle this kind of treatment over the long run? How would you feel if you were married to him and know that he seeks out his ex when you both have problems?

    Not to be judgemental of him. Just recognize who he is. He might just be unable to grow up and grow together with you at this stage of his life. Despite what he wants.



  155.  #155Linda on September 4, 2013 at 3:03 am

    FW – I read your comment @ 153. THough it was not addressed to me it was.

    Every relationship usually does reach a choicepoint. If I ask myself if I can handle the kind of treatment over the long run..(referring to my relationship I just broke off)… Boy now how focused and easy it is to answer that!



  156.  #156Daria on September 4, 2013 at 3:34 am

    I updated my POF!!!
    YAY!
    !!

    UPDATE September 2013:

    I feel excited about my plan to build my own ecohouse in Brazil. By the rainforest, stream water, solar/natural power… I feel my heart and spirit vision drawn there… I live part time in 2 different parts of the world as it is, so adding this as a 3rd… a summer home I’ll feel comfortable living in most of the year.. feeling warm all the time I might actually feel good about going skiing in the cold every now and then:) I want to get to Brazil for a month and check out the living situations around the end of this year… ARE YOU DOWN FOR THIS ?



  157.  #157Daria on September 4, 2013 at 3:35 am

    I feel so ecited about this addition!!!

    YAYYY

    i feel powerful!



  158.  #158Daria on September 4, 2013 at 3:37 am

    and an interesting cutie just wrote me!
    🙂



  159.  #159Daria on September 4, 2013 at 4:06 am

    i feel dismissive and judgemental catchign a glimpse of a couple of lines of Syreenas new post mentioning me and FeminineWoman

    i feel sad and guilty to feel this way. it feels vague

    i intend to heal this



  160.  #160Daria on September 4, 2013 at 4:08 am

    i feel so guilty!

    im sorry Syreena if im triggering you

    i feel curious if removing names an specific references to posts unlike these couple ones will feel better…

    is ti what Rori’s guidelines specify?

    i feel thrilled to be above the ‘rules’

    i feel guilty to use other’s ‘rules’ to define what’s ok for me

    i feel safe and comfortable doing so

    i feel angry at myself

    i love my fear

    i love all my feelings 🙂



  161.  #161Linda on September 4, 2013 at 4:31 am

    I have been trying to discover why my physical body responds to what I have been dealing with the way it does. Why do I instantly feel as I do… of course I want to flee but have learned to say no to that as an adult. Beyond that is all the physical symptoms still manifest to this day but how and why did it get there and POOF! My answer came has just come to me this morning!!! I got in touch with a recent memory that lead to the root!!!!

    I forget which time it was when he was finished with one of his rants of displeasure with me… just finished what felt like an hour of being raked over the coals again at bedtime… I numbly was laying there in silent pain, with my back to him as close to the edge of the bed as I could get…when He moved close to me and said he loved me as he initiatied snuggeling and spooning !!!! I felt repulsed but did not protest WHY did I not just get up and belt him ?? I just layed there….. WHY…. Just this morning this is becoming clear to me.

    When I was a child growing up my Mother would unleash and spew on me. She would yell and scream her displeasure, anger, etc and keep yelling and screaming at me until I was so upset that I was reduced to crying so hard you that I could barely breath… only then she would stop an comfort me. Holding me until I stopped crying. I grew to loath it and hated her for it…. but she was my only source as my dad was never there when it happened.

    Right NOW…. I am filled with disgust and rage…as I as an adult woman..I am going to rescue my little girl from her this very moment. GET AWAY FROM HER!!!…and now am wrapping my own arms around myself as little girl.

    WOW now I know how I got this way ! This is powerful

    I guess I rescued my adult woman from him last week… it all feels the same anyway



  162.  #162Dominique on September 4, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Linda – Amazing revelations.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  163.  #163Syreena on September 4, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Daria, I don’t want to be dragged into your anger or be attacked over my real life experiences and situations.

    I hear you are angry and don’t like my judgments about how others get pleasure over taunting people or wanting to see them in distress. What can I say to that apart from So what? It is what it is. I know what I saw which was them getting enjoyment over seeing their behaviour causing distress in another. Felt sickening to me. My experiences not yours.

    It feels best for me to leave you to deal with your own anger over this which is none of my buisiness. As I don’t want a debate or to argue with you. So I now want to dissengage with you on this topic as to do otherwise will do me no good, will cause me stress and be bad for my health.

    As I don’t want to cause my self stress and damage to my health. I want to now go and take care of myself and go and do something that makes me feel happy calm and peaceful.



  164.  #164LoveAlways on September 4, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Good morning sirens!!

    I feel good. Took my pictures down off the dating web sites for a while. I will cd in general, not go out on dates so much right now. I’ve been triggered off the meters the last few days (2 dates 4 CDs) and I realize I am not ready for commitment and these men are in a rush. REALLY triggered. I’m going to take the next few days/weeks to turn my focus inward and work on my health and strength. Revamp my nutrition – change the chemical input by what I eat – SIREN FOOD lol. Going to relax more – SIREN THOUGHTS 😀 So I’m taking a stay-cation and pampering myself for while and working through these triggers from these men. I felt annoyed by them honestly. Going to heal that. May even do some riffing. I don’t have time to catch up on the blog, but wishing you all love and light.

    Namaste

    LoveAlways



  165.  #165Hana on September 4, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Yay! Tiff is starting tomorrow here in Toronto, that’s going to be fun. I have 5 days with my little boys starting this afternoon, Jewish holidays, definetly need to get a nanny soon, very hard for me to do it alone!



  166.  #166Daria on September 4, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Syreena – just caught a glimpse of the ‘new comment’ sidebar not more.. and I don’t want to be talked about in that way such as “dragged into”

    it feels bad

    im sorry if my words trigger you , and yet im here committed to honesty in my emotional response…practicing expressing it in loving words

    i feel floundering and pist at my unskilled words and my unskilled sharing of compassion. feels sad. i’d feel so good to trust myself that im expressing compassion Always and i feel down that im not there yet

    and i feel glad i feel the rage and anger i feel and glad i can offer an expression of that to the world



  167.  #167Daria on September 4, 2013 at 6:18 am

    i feel like yelling and blaming and assigning responsibility



  168.  #168Daria on September 4, 2013 at 6:24 am

    i feel so drawn to think about this!

    i feel like attacking! then i will feel ‘done’ and comfortable

    and i dont’ want to keep on addicting myself this way

    i feel swept away as to how and what

    and i Know this practice and i feel solid in knowing that attacking is not the way to heal

    and that there IS benefit to me in not attacking

    AND not stuffing

    babysteps

    i trust and i feel secure that the babysteps im taking WILL pay off in emotional growth

    yay!!!!



  169.  #169Hana on September 4, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Zia- that’s great that you’re trying matchmaker, did they show you photos before you met and other info??



  170.  #170Hana on September 4, 2013 at 6:29 am

    A thought ran through my head, Cris you triggered it, if men that like to be treated badly are toxic, then the women who are treated badly are toxic to men too?



  171.  #171Daria on September 4, 2013 at 6:33 am

    i feel such a surge of power when i get on my high horse and such a sad feeling seeing my lil girl feel sad when she feels attacked

    🙁

    i don’t want to let her down and also i don’t want to keep repeating this

    this is healing for her.

    this is healing for her.



  172.  #172Cris on September 4, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Hana, well, I don’t know. I think most of us have had relationships with that kind of man, at least me. They can only react if they are in front of a cold woman. In my case that attracted me in the past, no idea if a I am toxic… I don’t hope so! 🙂



  173.  #173redbutterfly on September 4, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Just got a “morning, beautiful” text from the widower. I texted him back that his morning texts make me feel special and snuggly and he responded “good! that’s the intention!” mmmm…love that boy!



  174.  #174Hana on September 4, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Zia- your ability to work on yourself is so inspiring!!! I need to give this bootcamp a try!



  175.  #175Linda on September 4, 2013 at 6:48 am

    I keep having this vision of me standing in front of a big huge reptilian looking creature with its mouth wide open roaring at me.. wobbeling but standing as I brace by body against the HOT stream of its roar and breath. Sort of a scene you would see in a godzilla or si-fy movie.

    Interesting that I the creature is not trying to kill me just blast me. hmmm



  176.  #176Linda on September 4, 2013 at 6:59 am

    My 24 year old daughter told me that her best male friend told her that… Women have All the power in a relationship. That they are the ones who decide what goes and doesnt.. they get to choose and their responses to the man direct and shape their relationship.

    She told him that she has never experienced that. He said.. then you have been with the wrong men.

    Interesting



  177.  #177Jean on September 4, 2013 at 7:19 am

    I need help! My boyfriend and I have always been very active…hiking, camping, traveling, kayaking, etc. Lately he has just wanted to stay home (I really am being to think he is manic/depressive). This weekend we had plans to go with a group to a hiking/camping/kayaking weekend. Last night he told me that he may just want to go up Saturday night (drinking and eating). I really NEED an active weekend this weekend. How do I script this? I know I can start with hiking and kayaking would feel so good this weekend, but where do I go from there without becoming controlling?



  178.  #178Hana on September 4, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Love Always! Love what you wrote…

    RedButterfly, absolutely cherish those feelings…



  179.  #179April Rose on September 4, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Jean
    Can’t you go on your own and be happy that he comes up on the Saturday?
    That will give him space (men need that sometimes, particularly if it is somehow expected that you spend all your weekend time together) and just might freshen him up a bit.
    It will also give you that happy, confident dash of independence, which is probably what attracted him to you in the first place.



  180.  #180Hana on September 4, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Arabian Goddess, I feel the same towards you, when I read your writing I see a younger Hana… Hehe 🙂

    You are being strong and true to yourself…enjoy yourself and really learn to love yourself in everyway, discover and enjoy this time of your life, the men that come into it and through it should be learned from, some will stay some will go…but because you are brave and in love with your own self you don’t need to feel attached yet!

    Xoxo



  181.  #181Veronica on September 4, 2013 at 8:32 am

    I realise that I get anxious if I don’t hear from someone after three days – it’s pretty consistent. Once I get over that and realise it for what it is, I’m fine. I also noticed that my anxiety around communicating with BM is tied to my fear that he’ll betray me again i.e. just end the interaction, that I was duped. I know that I can’t control what he does. I love how my woundedness showed up – it was so quiet and with an innocent voice. I’m listening to myself, especially my little voices. I also noticed my sadness at not being with BM anymore – I carry it in me it seems like a bundle in my stomach. It’s okay, it’s not longing this time. I don’t know why I keep having myself going back to scenarios of when we’ll meet again, but it’s not longing, it’s like I’m preparing myself, using the images I know of to help me with something I don’t know, that is coming soon.



  182.  #182sequoia on September 4, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Linda 160 – wow what an amazing realisation, the memory with your mum. That’s what I ment with core injuries.
    I noticed that my body responds to in strange ways. I recently connected with feelings of worthlessness, also related to my childhood, or even my babyhood, and my belly got all bloated up and started hurting. I allowed myself to get into my grief and cry and than an hour later, the air was allowed to pass out.

    I feel sad today, I thaught I was over the man I dated for 5 month, but I am still not. I still feel angry with myself that I allowed myself to be deceived and that I did not want to see clearly, that I wasn’t strong enough to set clear boundaries and to stick with circular dating. I felt guilty circular dating but the joke is he still kept dating his ex girl friend…and left me in the end because he realised he still loved her when she started a new relationship with a new man…well the circular dating worked for her I guess, even so she didn’t want him than any longer. but who knows maybe there are back together. I just feel so stupid that I allowed this to happen to myself, I felt that there was sthg . not quiet right and confronted him several times, but he denied. But than it exploded. When I allow myself to feel beyond the anger I feel a lot of sadness…and I have been able to go there several times, but there seems to be still so much. I feel overwhelmed and afraid that I’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship.



  183.  #183sequoia on September 4, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I am reading ‘Addicted to love” from Susan Peabody right now – a great book, but somehow depressing. I am realising that I have addictive tendencies.

    I have a first date tomorrow after weeks, after the break up i just didn’t feel fit enough, and I still don’t feel excited about it. I do not feel well, but I want to be honest however telling a man on a first date that I am not feeling well – I feel ashamed, but I am sick of pretending. I can see why i would want to put the focus on him on the date – to get his attention of me. I want to stay in the moment, i might just feel good in the moment with him. I hope he doesn’t ask to many questions of what I have been doing,…



  184.  #184Syreena on September 4, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Feeling happy calm and peacful after lying in my hammock and feeling the warmth of the sun on my body. Bliss.

    I feel disinterested in reading and no longer want to accept fake apologies in my life. So feels best to me to not accept them.



  185.  #185Mercedes on September 4, 2013 at 9:30 am

    After I logged off last night, still more amazing women came out to offer me love and hugs and I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate you! Veronica, Emerson, Zia, Sophie, Lisa…thank you for taking time out of your day to reach out to me with such kindness.

    I guess I feel a little better today. My life is changing a lot and it feels unsettling and frustrating. I’m remembering my own advice from a couple of weeks ago: “Never let anything into your imagination that you don’t actually want to manifest”. That’s my goal…to only imagine and dream and create stories that include amazing thoughts. There is a lot of negativity surrounding me right now. I’m putting up a force field. It’s a special force field for I can let love out and love can come in. All negativity bounces right off and out into the universe where it explodes into a billion pieces before it can hurt anyone. Negativity does not touch me. When I hear someone speaking negatively, I will smile and, in my head, create the opposite, most positive spin on it that I can come up with. That’s how this is going to work.

    It was hard to focus during meditation this morning…but that’s okay…I’ll have those days…I’m not going to let any of this stress get to me. I’m going to celebrate the fact that this is a short work week and I only have 2 1/2 days left to work before I can relax at home and take care of our business for a couple of days. 🙂

    Thanks again for all your love, light, support, hugs, and blessings…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  186.  #186BeLoved on September 4, 2013 at 9:41 am

    There is just no going back once this process has begun…
    everything, everything that hurts is a message –
    let some love in here, BeLoved.
    It didn’t feel good to hear my co-workers laughing and making fun of my errors in judgment.
    I noticed one defensive story after another arising.
    I don’t want anyone to think I’m stupid!
    It felt awful.
    I had to actually look up the word “stupid” – and sure enough, the way I handled it pretty much was the very definition of stupid.
    So I went to tapping on it.
    Loving, embracing, accepting the parts of me that are “stupid”.
    I looked up EFT videos on YouTube – ha! It’s totally a common human experience!
    My cover is busted! I’m human and flawed just like all of the other humans.
    Feels scary, lol.

    It’s me – no denying it, I’m co-creating this experience and this stuff that hurts is showing me where I feel wounded and need love, giving me more ease of being.
    I want to be able to laugh at myself and not take life or myself So Seriously.
    Oh, and there’s a part of me that doesn’t take life seriously at all and I learned to shame that part…
    welcome back! I love you!

    The victim, the perpetrator, the dunce, the ‘smart one’, the ice cold B!tch…
    I am all of that
    32 flavors and then some
    All within my being, all aspects of my infinite inner diamond of being.
    We’ll get to neutral with this, love will flow.
    I feel so grateful for EFT, I don’t know how I’d heal all of this pain without it.
    Thank you thank you
    Happythankyoumoreplease!!



  187.  #187Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Ah April Rose 51,

    Thank you!

    I love it anyway! 🙂



  188.  #188Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Linda,

    I really feel deep empathy and resonance with what you are going through. I feel really admiring of your courage and your resolve to put yourself and your wellbeing first.

    I can really relate to what your account of your mother, it brought back so many things for me. Thankfully the pain is no longer there, not even any sadness or anger, though I know I carry remnants of triggers.

    ((Linda))



  189.  #189Magic Seahorse on September 4, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Mercedes!!! Much love to you!!!! I love where you are going with that…………. ROCKSTAR:)

    Have you listened to MC Yogi Elephant Powered Omstrumentals? I use this music when my normal meditations are not working. I dance in place with eyes closed and smiling while I envision only the most delightful scenarios……………….. I am very thankful for my imagination!! Sometimes it will feel like I took a vacation at the end the music;) I also use scarves to write my intentions in the air……………….. I have found tis exercise to be energy inducing and also very happy at the end of it. As always, in the ending is the very very big thank you, gratitude, namaste…………. the end takes me to sitting palms up and low and slow breathing, letting the energy settle into me. Gets me glowing!!!! I hope you try Yogi’s music and get up and DANCE sweet siren!!!

    p.s. Don’t forget, your scarf!! I feel very beautiful and seductive when I use one with this practice:)



  190.  #190MovingMagic on September 4, 2013 at 10:34 am

    *hugs Linda*. If I were there in person I would treat you to a warm cup of tea.



  191.  #191Femininewoman on September 4, 2013 at 11:00 am

    You see Linda, men do know how relationships are supposed to be. They might not say anything but they do hope that we just get it. It reminds me of Olivia’s story of her friend telling that guy to sleep on the couch, in his own house. Then look how things turned out.



  192.  #192Mercedes on September 4, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Magic Seahorse! I love that! I can do that…I can. I wish you were here to practice it with me. How beautiful would that be? We could do an all day workshop at my studio when it opens. We could have dancing sirens and scarves all over the place! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  193.  #193Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Things have ended with D.

    I feel such deep shame admitting that. Why?

    Is it because a part of me feels that I should have ended it a long time ago? These “shoulds” are so pointless. I loved, and I loved the best that I could for as long as I could.

    My resolution is to be EXTREMELY nice to myself, forgiving, loving, kind, gentle… as per Dominique’s article today. No beating myself up, and no could have, would have, should have.

    I cared very much and gave a great deal to someone without the desire or ability to give me the relationship that I want. And I will always treasure the good times, but the time has come for me to stop trying to save and fix someone… I’m not going to use the word “should” but I just need to stop.

    It is time for lightness and love and peace to come into my life in abundance.



  194.  #194Mercedes on September 4, 2013 at 11:37 am

    (((((((Indigo)))))) May you find peace today.

    Your own words should help: ” I’m not going to use the word “should” but I just need to stop.”

    They’re helping me today in a different way.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  195.  #195Femininewoman on September 4, 2013 at 11:51 am

    (((((((((Indigo)))))))))))

    I have to admit that at times in the past reading some of your comments it remind me of CCarter talking about our psychology. Wanting our reality to match what we envison as our ideal.

    I feel great respect for you admitting that you feel deep shame. I feel intrigued by the choice of words wondering what you could possibly uncover by really looking at that feeling in the face and really going under it to see what you could uncover.

    I sincerely believe you have grown by leaps and bounds. I wonder if you might have outgrown him. I wonder if you want to shine your light brighter into the world than he can handle.



  196.  #196CurvySiren10 on September 4, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Indigo ~~ just want to send you lots of warm hugs and healing vibes. Nothing else to say except that.



  197.  #197Mercedes on September 4, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    FW: I like these words…I think it was true for me with my ex husband: “I wonder if you want to shine your light brighter into the world than he can handle.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  198.  #198Veronica on September 4, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    ((((Indigo))))



  199.  #199Veronica on September 4, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Mercedes -184- When I read what you wrote, my mind kept thinking of identity shift. I don’t know if this is happening for you or if it’s me. I went through one over the past two years and it was a very deep and in the background and in some ways unrelenting process. The things that didn’t matter to me became alarmingly unreal for me while what had become precious to me began to feel life-giving. Only recently have I been able to understand what was happening and I’m much more at peace with it now.



  200.  #200Emerson on September 4, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I’m trying to change the way I react to situations…it is not easy. I have some tho ca to consider with boundaries too…
    Like when a man does not follow thru with plans…
    How do I react? Now I’m using feeling messages to address it instead of shutting the person out…



  201.  #201April Rose on September 4, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    sweet Indigo

    (((((((((Indigo))))))))))

    Take a rest. No efforts. Let your body melt.
    You are fantastic.
    And you need do nothing.



  202.  #202Mercedes on September 4, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Veronica: I’m certain that’s what is happening to me. Everything is sort of shifting and changing and the new business is much, much more inline with who I am in my soul. I’m just a touch impatient I think. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  203.  #203Daria on September 4, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    wow this feels inspiring to me! this is a part, i really felt grabbed at the separating it from things its been linked to and then putting it back together… reminds me of Rori

    “I give myself permission to talk about sex as though it’s really important—as important as
    politics and elections and human rights and stopping global warming and ending poverty and
    curing cancer. Sex is that important.

    I give myself permission to ask questions, dig deep and find the meaning of sex—for me.

    I give myself permission to laugh. Sex is funny and sexual energy running through my body
    will often produce giggles—for no reason—for no reason other than that it feels good.

    I give myself permission to separate sex—temporarily—from all the things it’s been glued to,
    like love, romance and relationships. When I figure out what sex is—for me—then I can put it
    back together with things like love, romance and relationships in combinations that are right
    for me.

    I give myself permission to do sex differently than my friends do, and to want different things
    from sex than my friends want.

    I give myself permission to keep sex just for myself.

    I give myself permission to not have sex at all.”

    ~ Barbara Carrellas

    http://barbaracarrellas.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Permission-Slip.pdf



  204.  #204sequoia on September 4, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Emerson 198 – when he did not follow through with his plans was such a challenge for me too. At the beginning I used feeling messages too, however because I was to available, didn’t date any other man, and wanted to see him I went along with his last minute changes and dates. And the sad thing is, it felt like that if I would have had plans it wouldnt have bothered him to not see me…but I don’t know that for sure as I never was strong enough to pull it off. Like you mentioned one needs strong boundaries and stick to them and not be afraid. However I wanted to be authentic with what was going on in my life, not pretending, as I wasn’t dating anyone else and as I wanted to be with him. I was to afraid of loosing him, but lost him with this anyway, as i just got more and more frustrated and angry and that’s not very attractive. Making oneself rare is much more attractive. I hope I learned my lesson.



  205.  #205sequoia on September 4, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    Daria – thanks for the great link. It feels good to hear this right no.



  206.  #206Daria on September 4, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    sequoia – yah! i feel glad you wrote about it i feel smily sharing 🙂

    it felt super empowering



  207.  #207sequoia on September 4, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    ..also when he didn’t follow through with his plans for our dates or his promises and it happened again and again I started loosing respect, I hated that flakey side of him, his empty words…I longed for a man who knows what he wants and sticks to it, a man who does what he says and who’s words I can trust.



  208.  #208Veronica on September 4, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Mercedes -200 – It’s going to be so interesting to know what your energy is going to be like when you’re working full-time at your business : )



  209.  #209Cris on September 4, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    Bravissima Indigo!



  210.  #210Hana on September 4, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    (((INDIGO))), I’m here for you, you are so strong, and following your true intuition can never be wrong… Xo



  211.  #211Sophie on September 4, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    (((Indigo))) thank you for sharing your feelings and your journey I feel inspired by the depth of your courage and honesty and honour of yourself xxx



  212.  #212Zia on September 4, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Hana – re matchmaking, with this one you can choose to pay extra to see photos, but I didn’t do that. They basically do it themselves and send you on a blind date.

    Re the bootcamp, I’d be more than happy to email you the bits and pieces that have helped me along the way 🙂



  213.  #213Hana on September 4, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Hi Zia, please that would be good of you! I am having a bit of a weak sad moment now…I may have been affected by a friend who is going through a seperation/divorce, I went through these feelings before, she also has two boys, and it brought me back to that horrible lonely time…so isolating….

    Xoxo



  214.  #214ArabianLove on September 4, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks again dear Hana and Shanah Tovah to you and anyone else celebrating Rosh Hashanah !!!



  215.  #215Tereana on September 4, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Hana – Are you Jewish, too? I was wondering about that from the last post. And I’m responding here, since I’ve been away for a few days.

    Thanks, Arabian Love! 🙂

    Hana, I am Jewish – by choice. So my family doesn’t really have a say in it, or care. My situation is even a little bit unique in that, I almost DID marry a Jewish guy. And my parents had a problem with THAT at the time. Ha! I find that incredibly ironic and hilarious. Because it was after that experience that I decided Judaism was really important to me. It felt like the missing part of who I felt I was. So I decided to convert.

    And now… if I feel any “pressure” at all to date Jewish men, it is entirely internal. Sometimes I feel like I “should.” To please my rabbis or something. But I have to question if it is something that I really want.

    Several years back, at the time I was making my conversion, I had a boyfriend who was not Jewish. I felt a little insecure about this, and I wasn’t crazy about the relationship. But he was crazy about me. It was really hard to break up with him. And after I did, I dated on Jdate for a while. But that was not very satisfying.

    Then I dated one of my ex’s friends, who was also not Jewish (big mistake! Never date an ex’s friend! Or a friend’s ex, for that matter. Those are my personal rules from now on…) And after that, I signed up for OK Cupid. I had a lot of fun on OK cupid, and that’s when the Indian guys started approaching me. I found that I had a lot of fun talking to them and dating them. It’s been a really good experience.

    The first Indian man that I went out with asked me how I felt about marriage on the first date. That was a bit much. And then he turned out to be totally not commitment oriented. Lol. Oh well. You learn.

    Right now, I’d say 80-90% of the guys that I go out with are Indian. And I also dated an Egyptian man, and a Persian man as well. Actually, the Persian man was probably the most relationship-oriented of all of them. I had a lot of nice feelings for him, but unfortunately, I felt very grossed out when he kissed me, and sadly, that is not something that gets better with increased intimacy. You may argue with me there, but I’ve not experienced it any other way.

    So basically, that is a very long answer to your question. I don’t feel a lot of pressure to date Jewish men. I think I would be happy to meet an amazing Jewish man who felt like my right soul mate and partner. But I think part of me is afraid of that, too – that it might remind me of my former engagement. Even though I’m sure he’d be different.

    Or perhaps I am simply meant to be “different.” Maybe, and it almost feels like my role in life, it’s part of who I am to marry someone who is outside the bounds of what would be considered “average,” or expected. And I like that. It feels exciting. I like the difference and the exploration.

    But hey, maybe that’s just me right now. Maybe I am just exploring and having fun, and some day, I will meet my perfect Jewish man who will help me have and raise Jewish children. Or maybe my soul mate is a beautiful Indian man who will help me have and raise beautiful mixed-race Jewish children, and it will be so amazing, because I also love Indian food. I had some co-workers this summer jokingly call me a “HinJew” this summer. I accept the moniker! It feels like it suits me.

    That’s my story. I am 100% Jewish. My family is not. And I love to meet and date Indian men.

    I love my life <3

    I say, do what feels right to your heart. I have multiple Jewish friends who are in wonderful relationships with non-Jewish partners, both married and not-yet-but-probably-will-be married. I even have one non-Jewish friend who is dating a Jewish guy. And I think they are one of the best couples I know.

    Sure, the Torah says x,y, and z. And yes, there are a lot of things that are made simpler by being with a Jewish partner. But I can say, from my personal experience, that it can't be the only thing you look for. Unless you are very committed to that being true for you. But it is also very true what they say about "Jewish souls" being Jewish no matter what. It is my feeling that I was born Jewish, because I was born who I was, and it just took me a long time to figure it out. You can't expect someone that you marry to convert, but you don't know that they won't. They may, one day, want to make that decision on their own. And even if they don't, it's not important. People are important. That person's soul is important, Jewish or not. And if who they are, and who you are organically go together, then what is wrong with that? Nothing, in the eyes of G-d, in the way that I believe in G-d. Especially since G-d, above all, has to do with love.

    But if what you feel is a lot of "chemistry" then that doesn't necessarily mean that it is "right." Increasingly, I am starting to believe that "right" feels like nothing at all. In that, it feels good, but with none of the tension that comes from feeling "wrong." As in, wrong for you, not wrong by anyone else's definition.

    That's all I got for tonight. I am having a relaxing holiday and looking forward to long services tomorrow.

    L'Shanah tova!!! : )



  216.  #216Tereana on September 4, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Indigo, I admire your vulnerable and truthful message in 191. I wouldn’t consider it a waste, because without it, you might not have gotten to those same conclusions, and it’s brought you that much closer to your true sireny goddessness. I can see it, and that’s a good thing… (((((Indigo)))))



  217.  #217Tereana on September 4, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Just wanted to share one thing… remembering today at experience I had at the grocery store, a few weeks back. I was feeling sexy, and my hair was down, and I was looking for something in the spice section, when all of a sudden, I felt a need to look down the aisle. There was this very attractive man, standing there with his shopping cart, who looked away, just as I looked up. He’d been checking me out! I smiled and went back to what I was doing.

    Then, I had to walk my cart right past him. I made quick eye contact with a smile and walked on. We passed each other a couple of times, during the shopping trip. And then, in line, I looked up and he was right behind me! After I paid, I thanked the cashier, and as I took my bags, I looked back and we made definite eye contact again! I smiled and walked out of the store. No move to do anything.

    I just loved feeling the glow of his gaze. I knew he was watching me. And I loved the appreciation that I felt coming from him. sometimes I think I like to just build these things up and store them, so I can take them back out for future reference. Like right now : )



  218.  #218Tereana on September 4, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    OK, one last post, and then I need to go to sleep and stop spamming, because it’s a holiday! ; )

    Does anyone remember that post I put in the last thread from Dave Barry, about how guys think? The one where he makes fun of men, and how they won’t call you back because they had such a great time with you that they know if they hang out with you more, they’ll just have to marry you eventually, and so they never call?

    Yeah, I think I might do the same thing.

    Maybe I’m a guy! Eep. It’s weird. I know that I do have “masculine” traits. And yet, I totally like and love being a girl, and flirty and feminine.

    Anyway, back on point. The point is that, looking back at many of my relationships, I can see that I have outright rejected many men and many relationships, not because they weren’t giving me the opportunity for long-term partnership, but because they WERE. I was engaged, for goodness’ sake! And I walked away.

    But that’s not the only time. In fact, there are probably guys that I didn’t call back or text back, because they seemed to “relationship-oriented” for me. Which is weird. Because I know that I do want a relationship. I want a family. I want all that stuff. And I can’t have it without relationship. But I’ve been rejecting it all along.

    I can’t really blame anyone or anything else for my lack of partnership right now.

    But then, I always think of the egg. I think of the egg being fertilized, with all those sperm around it, just trying to get in. Why is it she lets one sperm in, out of the millions that are around her? They all have similar genes. They all have the same enzyme. They are all after the same goal. But only one can get in first. And it seems to me that the egg decides, of all the sperm that get to her at the same time, she says, “That one.” And she doesn’t have to explain. She just knows. The sperm suitors are doing the exact right thing, at the exact same time. And for some reason, one appeals to her more. She accepts that one.

    And I can be the same way. I am the Egg, after all. I am the female. There is one of me, and many of them. “Choose the best one.” This was advice given to me by a man recently. I am going to take it as good advice. There are many men out there. And they may be doing all the right things. But I get to choose the right one, for me.

    Shanah tovah, all Jewy-sirens. Happy New Year.

    May it bring much sweetness! 🙂 xox



  219.  #219Zara on September 4, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    About mindfulness 1
    ______________________
    Jonny Wilkinson interview 2008

    The millionaire sportsman said that within 24 hours of winning the World Cup final against Australia in Sydney, he felt a powerful feeling of anticlimax.

    “I did not know what it really meant to be happy. I was afflicted by a powerful fear of failure and did not know how to free myself from it.”

    Soon afterwards his career was derailed by injuries which put him out of the international game for four years.
    To distract himself he tried learning the guitar, the piano, French and Spanish.
    In the end he had a ‘Eureka’ moment while reading a book on quantum physics – the study of sub-atomic particles.

    “Quantum physics helped me to realise that I was creating this destructive reality and that all I needed to do, to change it, was to change the way I chose to perceive the world,” he told the Times.
    “I do not like religious labels, but there is a connection between quantum physics and Bud*dhism, which I was also getting into.
    “Failing at something is one thing, but Bud*dhism tells us that it is up to us how we interpret that failure.
    “The so-called Middle Way is also about having the right intentions.
    “Are they decent and honest and are you giving consideration to other people? Selfishness can never be the route to happiness or success.”

    Asked to explain the deeper reason for his Bud*dhist faith, he added:
    “I think it was rooted in an even deeper fear of death.
    “I couldn’t figure out how to avoid death: it was like a game I could not win. The closer I got to family and friends and the better things got, the more I had to lose.
    “I have accepted my career will finish one day and I am in a place that will enable me to make that transition comfortably. I will not have to reinvent myself to cope with life after rugby.”



  220.  #220Zara on September 4, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    2
    ________________________________
    Jonny Wilkinson Interview 2010

    “For me, what matters is not the result. It comes only in third position. What matters before anything else is the intention.

    In the beginning of my career, I was seeking perfection within the result. About 5 years ago, I have learnt that it would not work and I realised it might eventually kill me.

    Follows then the realisation. It is possible to find perfection, but not all the time, since we are human beings. On the other hand, one masters the intention, one can chose the reason why one does what one does.”

    (Quick personal translation of an interview read in french.)
    xxx



  221.  #221Zara on September 4, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    3
    _________________________
    *This last Saturday May 18, 2013, the french Toulon Club won for the first time the Rugby European Cup. They won against Clermont-Ferrand, another french club (our clubs are very powerful this year). The victory was won by one small point: 16 against 15. But it is the manner that is quite interesting.

    Most experts had judged the Clermont-Ferrand team game style superior to the Toulon team. Which was also proven by the first half time of the game. Hence, after a very tight first half time ending with a 3 against 3 score, the Clairmont-Ferrand players started to speed up.
    Within 6 minutes after the players came back on the game field for the second half time, Clermont-Ferrand scored 2 tries and were leading with 15 points against 6. At this stage of the game , this is usually a decisive advantage, even more so when given the obvious superiority of the Clairmont-Ferrand style.

    Yet this is the precise moment when they lost the game.

    At this precise moment, when 2 tries have just been scored against his team, the captain of the french Toulon team, Jonathan Peter Wilkinson (alias Jonny) gathers his players under the poles, and talks to them.
    He tells them very simple things, taken from his huge experience as a player (he won the World Cup in 2003 playing for England) and taken from his experience as a meditator.

    (2003 was the year of his consecration and of his brightest glory: awarded best player in the world, ennobled by the queen of England. After these whirlwinds, Wilkinson experienced difficult years, body wounds and existential questioning. He helped himself through it, practicing mindfulness meditation. Wilkinson, known for being a hard worker who arrives first to the training and leaves last, got into meditation with the same rigour he got into rugby.)

    Anyway, Wilkinson, at this moment of the game, feels that the mental screws need re-tightening. So he simply talks to his players about the present moment.
    “All we have to do is to focus on the immediate action, on the immediate job that each of us has to do, minute by minute. Focus on the simple things. Don’t lose trust.”

    And there, slowly, easy breathy, Toulon finds trust, in spite of the score. Toulon players are 100% in the game, on each placate, on each pass, on each action. While Clermont-Ferrand players are not completely 100% in the game any more: glimpses of victory are distracting their mind, their style is still good but they don’t make good strategic choices any more. They make a few wrong moves, Toulon scores a try which Wilkinson transforms. His team now leads and will lead until the end, absolutely focused, second after second.

    Clermont-Ferrand players let go of the victory picture in their mind and re-focused on the game. Yet too late. They lost the title by a tiny little point. The point of mindfulness.

    Meditation is not about isolating oneself from the world but about intensifying one’s presence in the world.
    Jonny got it and passes it on… *

    Translated from a french note written by a french psychiatrist.
    xxx



  222.  #222Zara on September 4, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    4
    ____________________________
    Written in french by Montaigne in 1595.

    “Each man carries in himself the whole form of the human condition.
    […]
    “I study myself more than any other subject. It is my meta physics, it is my physics.
    From the experience I have of myself, I find enough to make me a wise man, if I was a good pupil.
    […]
    “Cesar’s life does not have any more examples to give us than our own life.
    Let’s simply listen to it. We tell ourselves all we principally need.
    […]
    “The experience also taught me that we lose ourselves within impatience.
    The bads have their own life and dead-end line, their own illness and health.
    One must neither oppose oneself to the bads nor succumb to them sluggishly, but give them space in a natural manner, according to their condition and ours.
    […]
    “Let us let Nature do her work, she knows better her business than we do
    […]
    “One must learn to suffer what can’t be avoided.
    Our life is composed, as is the world harmony, of opposite things and diversified tunes, soft and harsh, high and low.
    The musician who would love only some of the tunes, what would he be able to say? He has to know how to use all of them together and how to mix. As well as we have to, with the goods and the bads which are cosubstantial to our life.
    […]
    “I hate that we are commanded to keep our mind up in the skies, while our body is at the table. I don’t want the mind to nail itself into it, nor to wallow on it, but I want the mind to focus. ..
    […]
    When I dance, I dance; when I sleep, I sleep and when I take a solitary walk through an orchad, if ever my thoughts entertain themselves at times with some external things, I take my thoughts back to the walk, to the orchad, to the sweetness of this solitude and to me.
    […]
    We are crazy ones.
    “He spent his life in idleness.” we say.
    “I have done nothing today”
    What? Have you have not lived? Not only is it the fundamental but the most glorious occupation of yours.
    “Ah if only I had been given the chance to deal big businesses, I would have shown what I am capable of doing”
    Have you been successful in meditating and in leading your life? Then you have accomplished the biggest work of all.
    […]
    Our job is to compose our own behaviour. It is not to compose books and to win battles and countries but peace and tranquility in our behaviour. Our huge and glorious master piece is to live on purpose.
    […]
    There is nothing as beautiful and legitimate as focusing on being a human and duly, and there is no science as difficult as being successful in naturally knowing how to live this life; our wildest illness is to despise our being.
    […]
    To be able to loyally enjoy one’s being is an absolute perfection, like a divine one.
    We look for different conditions because we don’t understand the usage of our conditions and we go out of ourselves because we don’t know our own usage.
    […]
    Nature has put life in our hands, garnished with such circumstances, and so favourable, that we can’t complain but to ourselves if ever it pressures us or it uselessly escapes from us….
    Nevertheless I am ready to lose it with no regret, but as losable of its own condition, not as painful and importunate.
    […]
    So for me, I love life and cultivate it in the condition in which G*d liked to give it to us…
    I receive heartedly what Nature has done for me, and I feel grateful, and I feel content with it and I congratulate myself for it.
    We do wrong to this big and all mighty giver when we refuse his gift, when we invalidate it and we disfigure it.
    All good, he has done all good.”

    xxx



  223.  #223Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Mercedes 192

    Thank you for the hugs. xx

    I feel thrilled my words are helping you.

    “Just stop” sometimes feels like the best, most peaceful feeling in the world.



  224.  #224Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Feminine Woman 193, thank you.

    Your words feel very affirming. When I look beneath my shame, I see… fear of failure? A belief that I should know how to do or resolve something even when it makes no sense to me? This is the part of me I’m trying to be extra loving and forgiving of.

    Thank you so much for your compliment that I have grown by leaps and bounds. I KNOW I have. I can FEEL it. And yes, I do believe my light got too bright for him to handle. I could see him fighting a losing battle with his negativity and it made me sad to watch.

    Thank you xxx



  225.  #225Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Mercedes 195

    It’s funny you should say that… my ex-husband, who was a wonderful, supportive and very loving husband, is in touch with me every day and he has commented on the change in me. Our whole interaction is very different and positive and healing (he is remarried though so there is nothing romantic) now.



  226.  #226Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Thank you for the hugs Veronica xxx



  227.  #227Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Awww April Rose,

    Thank you for the hugs and the compliment.

    And doing nothing feels particularly good right now. It feels like the only thing xx



  228.  #228Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Thank you Cris 🙂



  229.  #229Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Hana 208

    Thank you so much dear. I wish I could say that yes, I was strong enough to follow my intuition and walk away. However, he left me. However in doing so, he has forced me to examine what on earth was really going on, and to take that information forward. Tolerating the behavior of someone with so many issues and so much negativity and trying to save them is clearly not the way to go. It feels icky now when I think about it, and it didn’t make sense at the time either.

    x



  230.  #230Indigo on September 4, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Aah Tereana 213

    Your message felt really heart warming. I don’t consider it a waste, how could I when it taught me so much and gave me so much genuine joy. And yet, I really need to be done with the pain and confusion. Thank you so much for saying you can see how it’s brought me closer to my sireny goddess self 🙂 xx



  231.  #231Millie on September 5, 2013 at 1:40 am

    I just went on a great date 🙂 YAY



  232.  #232holy ground on September 5, 2013 at 3:28 am

    You only have time in this life to stay true to yourself, and as I examine what self is to me I see a difference in comparison than did I just a few short weeks ago.sometimes request I made now seem to have been selfish. I know what I want in life I know who I want that life with, I am confused sometimes who’s who but even so, my wants can’t overrule someone’s choice for themselves. I am so thankful and greatful to people that are becoming part of my life now. I know if I am to be with the one I believe I am to be with it has to be because that’s what they want, not me. I want a lasting scene… Not obligatory. So with me giving self decision back over forced commitment then I am truly going the only and best thing to prove I do love and want and feel and need. I give my wish up to their choice. With all my love…..



  233.  #233Femininewoman on September 5, 2013 at 4:28 am

    Indigo – when I read the earlier comments I thought it was fear of failure. I wanted to say to you then that it was not you that failed. It was the relationship. The relationship does not define you. It could not have been what you wanted if it failed. Now you have the opportunity and space to create what you want. With him if he wants it too or with someone else. He will come back if that is what he wants. If he does you let him know the broken relationship is not what you want. You don’t to give it another try or start over again. You want something brand new because you have learned a lot, you have grown and you are a different person.

    I also want to tell you that your words trigger in my head the memory of a favorite poem:-

    Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

    it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

    Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

    It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

    We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
    talented and fabulous?

    Actually, who are you not to be?

    You are a child of God.

    Your playing small does not serve the world.

    There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

    people won’t feel insecure around you.

    We were born to make manifest the glory of
    God that is within us.

    It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

    And as we let our own light shine,
    we unconsciously give other people
    permission to do the same.

    As we are liberated from our own fear,
    Our presence automatically liberates others.

    —Marianne Williamson



  234.  #234Femininewoman on September 5, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Indigo – Tolerating the behavior of someone with so many issues and so much negativity and trying to save them is clearly not the way to go.

    These words remind me of CCarter talking about the roles we play with people in our lives. He encourages women to slow down and become aware of these roles. To pay attention to whether we are happy with our role and pay attention to see if the man is happy his role. This is developing aware in our lives.

    It reminds me of Rori talking about how trying to save a man makes us feel powerful. Volunteering to help others less fortunate than us can also create this feeling of power and significance for us and help us make a difference in the world. While doing that kind of thing we might just meet a man who holds the same values as us.



  235.  #235lacey nancers on September 5, 2013 at 5:18 am

    It really amazes me how people cant see things at face value, reminds me of a story about a man that had a bird and this bird was wanting to fly and sing and just be, and a man wanted the bird for so many reasons its beauty its song its manner, and not to mention whT it did for him. How it just meant so much to him. And by him opening the window he gave the bird he loved the chance to fly if it chose to. He didnt want the bird to leave but he didnt want the bird held where it didnt want to be. And as he opens the window he shows his trust and love and vulnerability. I love my bird and i hope it doesnt fly away



  236.  #236Tereana on September 5, 2013 at 5:19 am

    ‘In romantic love, you are NOT a “volunteer.”‘

    Whoa.

    That one stopped me on my tracks. So true how much w do that sometimes…and how ineffective it is



  237.  #237Linda on September 5, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Indigo… I seem to remember posts from you that were very inspirational on using Rori’s tools. I am glad you posted those.

    With every relationship.. or (CD) they have a message for us. EVERY one ! Perhaps the message from this last relationship is exactly what you needed to live with and thru just so you were made ready for the relationship you want.

    I can relate to what you posted very much. I have a very strong problem solving vein in me too. The relationship I was in a couple of years ago was prime example of me in “fix it.. fix him” mode. Looking back it was not even in the ballpark of what kind of relationship I wanted. After that I decided no more “project type men”. No more living with unacceptable behavior from them. Especially Negativity !!. It creeps in and affects you, pulls you into a its muck no matter how hard you resist it.

    The man from my most recent relationship has lots of deep pain in his life and by his own admission is consumed with anger and hatred (his words) at times. He would talk and I resisted any “fix mode” in me. I remained the “girl” in the relationship. I only suggested once Instead I would listen at level 2, respond with feeling messages. Even though I feel that his own peace and happiness is greatly hindered I can say that it definately negatively affected our relationship…my mindset toward this relationship was to NOT fix this man. Instead I walked away from the relationship. (I guess I too will be classified as someone who abandonded him) instead of being seen.. here is another person I have driven away.

    Ultimately I found out as you have we have to do our own work and want to better versions of ourselves. We cant fix anybody else.

    Hugs !!



  238.  #238Veronica on September 5, 2013 at 5:37 am

    While I was out I felt attracted to these two men. I haven’t felt attracted in a long time. I’m so glad for that experience. And they were gorgeous – and their gorgeousness and my feeling attraction just gave me a boost to want more for myself. Thank you gorgeous men!!! I want to be in that energy for as long as possible.



  239.  #239Tereana on September 5, 2013 at 5:44 am

    You’re welcome, Indigo! 🙂



  240.  #240Femininewoman on September 5, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Linda people abandoning is his program that he is running. It is his issue and if that is the tape he has running on his subconscious no matter what anyone outside him does, he will always do something to drive them away. I remember that in Rori’s Reconnect program as “dropping shoes”. He has to prove himself right – live out his own self fulfilling prophecy. Until he becomes aware of his own program and change it. You cannot take it on and beat yourself with guilt.

    This I believe is a message for you. Look at what your program might be. Look to see if there are recurring themes in your relationships. Look to see if there is a place where you can grow yourself and expand your tolerance for allowing more and more love and positive energy to flow through you. That is one thing that is not easy for me. But have to say that after my daughter’s send off party on Sunday my sister told me that she saw some growth in me after experiencing me interacting with someone. This work on our insides is ongoing and can be very rewarding.



  241.  #241Linda on September 5, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Indigo… I want to add that I am glad you posted what you did.

    I have been rolling the thoughts over in my mind that if I hung in or re-engage with FavoriteCD that the things that drove me away would go away if I did get into “fix him” mode. (I do care for him alot I just cant live with him alot…as he is lol)

    Leaving the situtuation was i felt was my only alternative. He is still pursuing me.. time will tell what will finally happen



  242.  #242Cris on September 5, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Thank to your thoughts and feelings and of course thank to this blog I think I know why I miss something and I feel incomplete. I have a lot of masculine energy and my husband is femenine energy. But I need some masculine energy around!
    I wonder if I switch my energy to femenine it will trigger a switch on my husband’s too.
    I feel excited but also scared by the amount of work I will need to do.

    hugs

    Cris



  243.  #243BeLoved on September 5, 2013 at 8:04 am

    About to board the plane this morning, they tell me at the gate that I need to consolidate my bags because I’m only allowed 2. I stood there, quiet and dumbfounded, then I hear, “Hey, honey, I got that, thanks for caring that for me!” And a good looking Big Tall Man scoops up one of my bags, assures them we are traveling together, and saved the day 🙂

    It was so exactly what I needed right then.



  244.  #244Too Much on September 5, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Hi Sirens,

    What a great post from Rori! It seems so appropriate for me at the moment.

    I am still feeling soooooo confused about my man.

    We seem to have fallen into a very intense and dramatic relationship. I have found myself less and less able to circular date.

    I still see my friends and have my own life but yet when I am with him my world seems to centre around him and I am feeling more and more resentful to him.

    Or is it me??

    He constantly wants to do things with me. He says and is trying to make me happy. He is completely showing up – and I am massively in live with him – but STILL I feel incredibly insecure about the relationship.

    I believe subconciously I am driving it.

    I feel terrified that I do not have the power to get off…

    I feel I am in so deep I can’t get out…



  245.  #245Too Much on September 5, 2013 at 9:56 am

    I feel he has this ridiculous power over me…

    I don’t feel comfortable with him, yet I can’t bring myself to end it with him.

    I feel like I may be infatuated with him.

    Oh I wish I could help myself…



  246.  #246Too Much on September 5, 2013 at 9:57 am

    I am terrified that I am going to be stuck with him for the rest of my life.

    This all feels sooooo painful…



  247.  #247Linda on September 5, 2013 at 10:41 am

    fw @ 235

    THank YOU! I love what you wrote about his tape and his program. What a great reminder and worded soooo well. I knew it was his stuff that I had no control over or could fix.

    Even though he was crying when he said it.. it did not affect me in the least. (actually I was like… Hello!! pattern here, wake up call dude !)

    I will look beneath all this some more. The only thing that has been a recurring thing is how my adult children are with resistance to accepting who is in my life. IT is better but not OPEN like I wish it was at this point.



  248.  #248Linda on September 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

    One of my biggest problems besides the ranting from him was… that my personal like was slowly being reduced little by little.. (friends down time etc).. because I fell into the pattern of appeasing him and his schedule etc.

    If I ever have anything to do with him down the road this will not happen again. Another great learning message for me.



  249.  #249Veronica on September 5, 2013 at 10:58 am

    About a week or two ago I was out grocery shopping with my mom. This one guy who worked there was just soooo eager to help out. I thanked him with appreciation and it’s as though it fed his soul. I was really surprised by that and it felt really good to see a man react so wonderfully to appreciation.

    Today as I was driving past the store he saw me and smiled — that felt so good. Good quality man who is good for me just with his own self. Much appreciation felt on my side. It feels easy and unattached.

    Thank you good men : )

    Oh and he remembered me too



  250.  #250Daria on September 5, 2013 at 11:37 am

    omg Beloved wow!



  251.  #251Too Much on September 5, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    I’m really sorry to keep posting on here and to interrupt the flow of the thread, but I just don’t have any other outlet…

    Well, I have decided to do both of these things. The first is to rant, bitch and moan about him. I’m going to write about all the
    things he isn’t doing, all the things that he’s doing that annoy me and everything else inbetween.

    Secondly, I’m going to pick up the mirror and look at myself. Possibly I am reflecting something here and there is something for me to learn from.

    Lol, I hope so!

    Well, here goes with the rant about him. He never takes my advice, he is impatient with me and rushes in ahead without me. He doesn’t really pick up if I am annoyed with him. He doesn’t pick up if I am down in general.

    Right, now the mirror…

    Lol, I can’t think of anything…

    Possibly there is a shy, awkwardness that we both have. Lack of confidence when speaking. Feel down about ourselves at times…

    Hmmm. This is really interesting to me – maybe I can play at being a detective??

    The one thing that hugely worries me is that he doesn’t seem to pick up on my feelings. I literally have ro burst into tears for him to notice, and this upsets me because it reminds me of my relationship with my mum. She never seems aware of how I feel it’s just all about her.

    I wish I could change things.



  252.  #252Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    WOW what a rough day…. so far… body is so exhausted and I’m so tired… and achy…

    I read Eckhart’s today post and here it is:

    “Forget about your life situation and pay attention to your life. Your life situation exists in time. Your life is now. Your life situation is mind stuff. Your life is REAL.”

    I needed this today…. I have been caught up in what I don’t have, money…. and perfect health… and I needed this to snap me back into reality of NOW. I have everything I need right now… and I’m not lacking anything…

    “R” just called me to tell me what a lovely time he had with me yesterday hiking. It was funny I fell in the waterfall… very cold water… he was really amazed ( as he told me later) and how I take life so well, how easy I am and how I can laugh at myself and not get so bend out of shape when something like that happens.. I walked around for hours in soaking wet clothing…. I’m used to me so I don’t think anything of it… but to him… I’m an usual women… he said I’m so at peace…

    I love how he calls me all the time… every day… I don’t do anything..

    I’m still not attracted to him yet… but I’m going to follow Rori’s tools and just wait… see what happens…

    He also said to me last night … when he went to get a flilet minon for my dinner and brought it to me… whatever you want, let me know. Life is easy with me…

    Well “M” never would have said that…

    I have no issue with not having “crumbs”… I like having things easy… and wondering… what will evolve with this man… he is the most open man I’ve ever met with his feelings….

    OXOXO



  253.  #253Femininewoman on September 5, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    BeLoved!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  254.  #254sequoia on September 5, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    I had a date today – the first after my breakup. I didn’t feel attracted to him, didn’t like his smell, I even felt annoyed…And I felt sad about my ex because our first date was so different, I felt so good with him, there was an instant click, not a sexual attraction, it was more on the lines of having a soul connection with him, the attraction grew date by date. So feeling this contrast made me feel sad.

    I wanted to practice leaning back and being but instead I found myself leading as the guy had no plan whatsoever. He even said it and smiled, I felt really pissed of. He had no idea where we were going in the park, he wasn’t even looking at the path, I tried to go along but I became so conscious of it and his lack of leadership triggered me so much .

    I am realising that I still feel a lot of anger towards man…I want to release it…I so want to release it, it doesn’t feel good.



  255.  #255sequoia on September 5, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    I realised how his lack of leading pushed me into my masculine, and I realised that I didn’t feel good even so he seamed kind of an ok guy.

    But being in my masculine I stayed firm and only dated him for an hour. Sticking to an hour esp. because I don’t mention it before the date, is some how challenging for me, esp. if I like the man. With him it was more easy, because I felt triggered and didn’t feel attracted. I have the feeling he won’t call again.



  256.  #256Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    This hit me today:

    Your not scared of the dark: Your scared of what’s in it

    Your not afraid of heights: Your afraid of falling

    You’re not afraid of the people around you: You’re afraid of rejection

    “You’re not afraid to love : Your just afraid of not being loved back

    You’re not afraid to let go: Your just afraid to accept the reality that he’s gone

    You’re not afraid to try again: Your just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason ”

    I realized as tears run down my face…. it’s true….

    OXOXO



  257.  #257Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Big {{{{HUGS}}}} @ Indigo!!!!



  258.  #258Amazed on September 5, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Wow…sirens…I am truly amazed with Rori’s advice and how it actually works!! I’ve been “seeing” a guy for a couple months, actually more like seeing occasionally and conversing via texts, not satisfying for me at all. He is truly a sweet and genuine guy but has been so busy that he wasn’t making any time for me or even attempting to. The past month I saw him only twice…there was always something, legitimate reasons mainly but still…they should stop at nothing to want to spend time with you. I was trying to be patient but feeling neglected and quite frankly unwanted especially more as I was reading other people’s success stories here…I want to be pursued like a true woman. I was one of those women that would say “oh yes, I understand…” and it was BS…but I would say it not to rock the boat…I started leaning back, both mentally and physically and thought to heck with him if he doesn’t like I what I had to say because it felt like he wasn’t interested anymore anyway…and I know inevitably it would be over if that was the case. I was waiting for this weekend to see him again and when it sounded like he was going to be too busy once again I had enough. I was so nervous still before saying anything since I had attempted unsuccessfully to explain to an ex that I wanted to see him more and he basically texted back…thanks, I will find someone else….Rori helped beyond words for confidence this time and Elsie actually was the one that gave me the words I wanted to say…it went like this…(even prior to this conversation because of the shift in my vibe the past couple days he had started texting first..)

    Me: I know you have had a very busy and stressful month. It feels wrong for me as a woman to chase you…and I feel disconnected when I don’t spend time with you, I just need to know where you are with this…do you have any suggestions to what I should do?

    Him: Hmm…the problem is you are busy as well…what do you mean by what you should do??…and you are not chasing me by the way

    Me: I know I am busy too…I don’t know…maybe invent an extra day in the week? Lol it doesn’t have to be spending nights at each other’s place…we could get coffee again or something. Here I go again…I’m suggesting things and I guess I feel like I’m chasing you

    Long story short…I have 2 kids and have joint custody with my ex…so I am busy as well HOWEVER…I have been sitting at home by myself all alone way too much lately… so we end up having this long great conversation after…and he said that he will see me for sure this weekend (without me hinting or asking) and I told him I wasn’t going to be staying over this time. I feel 100% better esp. having had to walk over eggshells around my ex in the past and not being able to express myself and my true feelings. Thank you all so much, I know I can truly say how I’m feeling to anyone and not be afraid anymore. I feel like I have my power back…

    xoxo



  259.  #259Amazed on September 5, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Wow…sirens…I am truly amazed with Rori’s advice and how it actually works!! I’ve been “seeing” a guy for a couple months, actually more like seeing occasionally and conversing via texts, not satisfying for me at all. He is truly a sweet and genuine guy but has been so busy that he wasn’t making any time for me or even attempting to. The past month I saw him only twice…there was always something, legitimate reasons mainly but still…they should stop at nothing to want to spend time with you. I was trying to be patient but feeling neglected and quite frankly unwanted especially more as I was reading other people’s success stories here…I want to be pursued like a true woman. I was one of those women that would say “oh yes, I understand…” and it was BS…but I would say it not to rock the boat…I started leaning back, both mentally and physically and thought to heck with him if he doesn’t like I what I had to say because it felt like he wasn’t interested anymore anyway…and I know inevitably it would be over if that was the case. I was waiting for this weekend to see him again and when it sounded like he was going to be too busy once again I had enough. I was so nervous still before saying anything since I had attempted unsuccessfully to explain to an ex that I wanted to see him more and he basically texted back…thanks, I will find someone else….Rori helped beyond words for confidence this time and Elsie actually was the one that gave me the words I wanted to say…it went like this…(even prior to this conversation because of the shift in my vibe the past couple days he had started texting first..)

    Me: I know you have had a very busy and stressful month. It feels wrong for me as a woman to chase you…and I feel disconnected when I don’t spend time with you, I just need to know where you are with this…do you have any suggestions to what I should do?

    Him: Hmm…the problem is you are busy as well…what do you mean by what you should do??…and you are not chasing me by the way

    Me: I know I am busy too…I don’t know…maybe invent an extra day in the week? Lol it doesn’t have to be spending nights at each other’s place…we could get coffee again or something. Here I go again…I’m suggesting things and I guess I feel like I’m chasing you

    Long story short…I have 2 kids and have joint custody with my ex…so I am busy as well HOWEVER…I have been sitting at home by myself all alone way too much lately… so we end up having this long great conversation after…and he said that he will see me for sure this weekend (without me hinting or asking) and I told him I wasn’t going to be staying over this time. I feel 100% better esp. having had to walk over eggshells around my ex in the past and not being able to express myself and my true feelings. Thank you all so much, I know I can truly say how I’m feeling to anyone and not be afraid anymore. I feel like I have my power back…

    xoxo



  260.  #260Zia on September 5, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Love that story Beloved!!



  261.  #261MovingMagic on September 5, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Yes Beloved, yes!! I love that. That put a huge smile on my face…that big man jumping into help you feels so right!



  262.  #262Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    @Beloved! That’s wonderful! Great that he was nice to look at too! {{{Hugs}}}



  263.  #263Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I’ve been crying all day… not exactly sure why… mixed up emotions, releasing, frustrations, societal expectations..

    but the frustrations over not being “good enough” came up again today…around me attracting men that are very well off… and how each time it seems to be the same story… they adore me… but have little innuendos about people being poor, being lazy and not really wanting to work, not putting enough effort in ( b/c they were able to make it big and struggled too so everyone else should be able to do it)… and then I sit there thinking… how is this man going to react when he finds out, that I’m not that well off… and that even though that I’ve done my damnest, my hardest, my best, worked my AS$$ off to get where I am, it hasn’t worked out financially as good as I had hoped… ?

    ( I’m not on food stamps or public housing and even if I was, that shouldn’t matter, I’m still a good person worthy of love, and a man)

    when is my big heart, my honesty, my loyalty, my fun, adventurous and happy, perky and beautiful self going to be enough for a man? Without my pocketbook being a main factor.

    I can’t possibly do more than I’m doing each day, I do too much as it is, daily I’m so exhausted that, I never feel rested…

    How society seems to put so much pressure on women to overfunction, be superwoman, superhuman, work, take care of children, home, and their self..(look good, be positive). and how at times, I feel like just giving up b/c I just can’t do it all, and if I stop overfunctioning, how will I progress financially… and what is that doing to me emotionally, physically… how can I take care of myself, the best way possible, and do all of these things? Uggg I want to just drop down a hole… and cover my head up until I’m too old to get a man…

    It feels like a catch 22 …. damned if I do, damned if I don’t…

    And then I hear my therapist say, Lisa, if the right man finds you, this won’t matter to him… Your still lovable and a wonderful woman that a man will want to be with… and see what you have to offer…

    I hope she is right! I want to believe that!!!

    Then again… it all comes back to me….

    OXOXO



  264.  #264Lisa on September 5, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    I love this that Lisa S.wrote:

    – “I will pay attention to relationship red flags as they are revealed to me”. ( which I do and have done)

    -” When I’m ready, I trust myself to exercise excellent judgment in selecting a suitable candidate to fall in love with (one who is capable of loving me on the same level)”. I love this one she wrote!

    – “In the meantime, I trust myself to date (when I’m ready) and to be open to the possibilities”.

    -” I am healthy and strong enough to endure any dating disappointments that happen along the way, and I will be able to differentiate those disappointments from actual heartbreak.”

    Yes! this is part of my contract to myself… what I’ve been going thorough is dating disappointments… not actual heartbreak! I’m learning to differentiate that now… even with “M” I’m not really sure I had given him my total heart yet, b/c I did notice and continued to notice the red flags all along… so I think that I had held back… good to notice…

    loving me…. is great! allowing me to feel what I feel is great! clarity is great!

    OXOXO



  265.  #265Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 12:18 am

    I feel really in limbo…
    I feel blue today…
    I feel incapable and feelings of failure…



  266.  #266Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 12:20 am

    258 wow Lisa I can really relate to your words!



  267.  #267Daria on September 6, 2013 at 5:03 am

    feeling lonely

    Bookie is always on my mind these days

    craving that turned on feeing with a man

    looking for it on facebokk hoping to see a sign from him

    pufffff

    im not looking at his page tho



  268.  #268sequoia on September 6, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Lisa 258 I can so also relate to your words…its a freaking f….d up world. The priorities of our society are so out of line with the heart. I’ve had a major career change because of moral issues, I worked in the jewelery industry and didn’t want to be an indirect part of the mining industry, started from scratch and even so a few man told me they understand my situation I felt also judged by them and in the end not understood. I felt not good enough. They seemed also to want a super women. When I showed them my weakness and confusion about my purpose I felt very alone and judged for it. I realised that its better if I do not expose my insecurities about my life at the beginning of a promising connection. I felt so close to him so I exposed myself, showed him my world and was open with what I am unhappy with and were I feel insecure and he couldn’t handle it. I guess there wasn’t enough love and may be I should kept it to myself a bit longer…I still don’t know. I am realising it all comes down to not feeling good enough for me and I am continue to work on it…trusting that as I work through it my beloved is on its way.



  269.  #269Syreena on September 6, 2013 at 6:03 am

    I am feeling a little nervous and anxious.

    Met a man out who struck up a conversation with me. Great appeared friendly enough. Asked if I would like to meet up.Felt ok about that.

    Gave him my email and have been chatting for a week. I feel nervous that he says he thinks about ne constantly waiting for my return e mails. Saying how he really likes me and felt instant chemistry. Asking me if I felt to same.

    It feels a little unnerving, how on earth can someone say they like you and claim to be thinking of you all the time after chatting for about 30 mins and a few online emails.

    It makes me feel nervous. I already want to pull away and keep him at a distance.

    He is wanting to take me for out for a night meet up for drinking.

    I don’t like going out drinking. Night out in a pub and drinking is so not my thing.

    Feels be



  270.  #270Syreena on September 6, 2013 at 6:05 am

    feels best to keep it short, daytime and cafe to me. Not a few hours in pub at night time drinking.



  271.  #271Lisa on September 6, 2013 at 6:17 am

    @Syreena…… I totally understand that…I’d feel very much similar to what your experiencing… follow your intuition….. meet where it feels good for you…

    OXOXO



  272.  #272Lisa on September 6, 2013 at 6:23 am

    @Emerson Thanks! <3

    @Sequoia Thanks! Yes, I do know… and yes, I'm working on that too!

    Then when I turn it around, in reality they weren't good enough for me… which is true… b/c anyone that would put that before a true love, isn't for me…. 😉

    {{{Hugs}}}

    OXOX



  273.  #273Veronica on September 6, 2013 at 8:54 am

    The fear of betrayal leaves me feeling all jumpy. And I am aware that that could happen again. I feel I have to protect myself – set rules up and distance myself and be wary and not trust so easily. And that feels like hurt and pain and big fear and hiding. And then I feel so vulnerable like I can’t do anything, that it’s going to happen anyway and it’s just a matter of time. Countdown and boom. I feel anxious I have to make it safe for me so that when it happens I’m in a lovely place with all of my lovely self and the things that are ‘passion’. And the urge that keeps coming up is ‘dive into the passion and swim in it and be busy with it so that when it does happen it feels like a non-event’. And I hope that’s true, I feel so innocent hearing that with hope – please let that be true. I love all my feelings.



  274.  #274Liquid Light on September 6, 2013 at 11:14 am

    @Syreena

    I think that’s how men are when they really like someone, even if they’ve just met them. This is a GOOD thing, enjoy it, revel in it, its great! We don’t think we are worthy of that instant attraction and intensity so we fear it and don’t trust it, at least that’s what I do. (Your reaction reminds me very much of how I would typically react to someone being so enthused so quickly.)

    I would definitely NOT go out drinking with him on your first date. Just suggest something more low-key like coffee as you mentioned. If he doesn’t accept that, then that says a lot about who he is and how flexible he is. Just a thought. Good luck! It sounds exciting! 🙂



  275.  #275Liquid Light on September 6, 2013 at 11:38 am

    @Syreena

    Just one more thought. If he perceives that you are a woman that can accept and enjoy that kind of instant adoration while at the same time being clear about her boundaries, that will be hugely attractive to him (and any man.)

    Another question is: Is he worthy of you? Just asking cuz his suggestion of a first date (going out drinking) would bring up some questions for me. Does he drink a lot? Is he an alcoholic? Why drinking and not dinner or movie or something else? etc.



  276.  #276Turquoise on September 6, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Hi Sirens,

    C is home for about a week to work on the yard. Mother nature has not been cooperating, and we had two terrible storms that washed tons of dirt and grass seed away… both times we laid it. So, he flew up yesterday and will be laying sod this weekend. I know he owns the house, needs to take care of it, but he has two broken ribs and I hate to see him doing physical labor. There was no talking him out of it. I’m realizing how often I feel guilty and I don’t know why. I didn’t make it rain…. I feel like i need to work through these guilty feelings and see where they stem from. I also feel blamed often, and not sure what that is about either. These things are weighing on my mind a bit. I feel very serious today. Wish I felt more light and care free. I may try Dominique’s As If tool… and see if I can act as if I feel light and breezy, and how that affects my mood.

    I had a date planned for Sunday, but he cancelled because he doesn’t have a babysitter. He keeps texting and wants me to consider us going there an open invitation when I have time, but then when I suggest a time, he says no promises, he has trouble getting a sitter. Yet, he lets his oldest babysit sometimes…. so not making a lot of sense to me. I get having kids and what a time commitment that is…. but I also want to date men who have some free time, not just text.

    Mr. Conversation texted yesterday, his grandma is dying and is in the hospital. Makes me feel very sad, reminds me of my mom. I asked him to let me know if there was anything I could do. He said he’d let me know, but not right now.

    THe other guys I mentioned all still text me here and there, but no more plans to meet. The one guy that lives close is very consistent with keeping in touch, I like that a lot… but he works crazy hours.

    Sweetheart has texted me a few times, but it gets on my nerves mostly. He’ll text me in the middle of the night or right after I get to work. It feels inconsiderate. It’s hard for me to remember why I liked him so much in the beginning. I think I just wanted a relationship, and overlooked a lot.



  277.  #277Syreena on September 6, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Ty Lisa and Liquid Light.



  278.  #278Lisa on September 6, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I feel good about being outside doing yard work… I feel quilty for not being inside getting work done, I feel happy outside getting some sun for once this summer…

    I feel frustrated that I just am not at a place where I can stand here in my messed up yard ( b/c the tree cutter made a huge huge mess in my yard) and say to any man that dates me… this is my home, I love it here… and be proud of where and what I’ve come through and become on the inside ( which I am already, I just bend to their perceptions) and this is me, where I am now… like it or not… I’m happy!

    I’m working on it…. I’ve worked past the egoic attachment to social status but find that I tend to bend over for people who haven’t so that I can maybe find a man… I’m seeing how that isn’t working for me… I need the man to step up to where I am… not me bend back to past old beliefs that I used to have, to meet him…Tada!!!!

    If he isn’t in the consciousness to understand that money isn’t success and that it is what we truly are on the inside that counts, where love comes from, then why would I be with him? Good question….

    I know that Eckhart Tolle is right… people that haven’t found inner peace are beggars…

    money doesn’t buy happiness and it can’t buy love…

    Yay! me!

    OXOXO



  279.  #279Jenny Smith on September 6, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    This is awesome! This is just a great post. Love is not based on material things nor is it based on just doing everything that your partner wants. It should be a give and take thing. And You should be with a person who will love you for who you are not what you are not. This article has taken into consideration what love should be all about. Thanks for sharing.



  280.  #280Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    275 I enjoyed reading this Lisa …great things to think about.
    I had a really low day yesterday feeling less than successful due to my pay range (used to make alot more before the economy took a crap)



  281.  #281Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    It seems cutecityCD has poofed again…no word from him all week. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. Why doesn’t it ever work out? I feel deflated and I feel unwanted.

    Honestly I need to meet more men that I’m in contact with and have dates with.
    I know it will help. I just haven’t met anyone new.



  282.  #282Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I know I feel sad because its like another dream floating away from me…
    I know I need to be a sandy beach and not flypaper…
    But he has been the one to stay in contact. It’s just not consistent. I feel angry.
    I want my dream of love to come true…



  283.  #283Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Thanks for letting me vent sirens just feeli a bit low…



  284.  #284Cris on September 6, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    I hear you Emerson, you are not alone. Been there many times… take care, dear



  285.  #285Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Sirens I know I can get through these blues…I don’t like mystery when it comes to men…
    I feel like he’s hiding something
    Or is it just my baggage?



  286.  #286Emerson on September 6, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Thank you cris 🙂



  287.  #287Too Much on September 7, 2013 at 2:22 am

    Amazed – wow, I salute you and your honesty in saying what you felt with the guy who had no time for you. That takes great courage I think.

    Turquoise – I like what you say about Sweetheart and that now you can’t remember what you saw in him! That made me smile. 🙂

    I think I am going through simillar revelations. I realise I am going into over pleasing mode to keep S happy. I see him when I have other things I need to take care of. Also I am accepting treatment that I don’t find acceptable.

    For example, he yanks my hand really tightly when we are walking along. I have complained that I feel dragged but he still keeps doing it. Also we seen to only do things at his time and pace with no attention to my needs.

    The other weekend we went out for the day to a stately home. There was loads to see and do but I felt very rushed and like he was constantly trying to control what we looked at and how much time we would spend there. He would constantly look bored and couldn’t understand why I wanted to read all the info and study all the artifacts. Instead he just kept making crass jokes all the time.

    The problem is with me though is that I seem to have a selective memory for as soon as I haven’t seen him for a few hours then I start missing him. Then he contacts me and I am bery quickly won over by him and his smooth talking.

    In fact I’m wondering now if I can trust anything he says. I am really am scared of going down that road but maybe it’s the truth?

    I have a very strong intuition and once it is switched on it’s very difficult for me to turn it off. Now I feel scared just thinking about this.



  288.  #288Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 2:56 am

    I am going to change my screen name from Too Much to Waterfall…



  289.  #289Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 3:00 am

    I also realise that I have been leaning back and receiving from S in quite an unhealthy way.

    This means I’ve been accepting quite bad a childish behaviour and not speaking up for fear of upsetting him.

    For example when I am talking about something serious and important to me he will quite often make a joke about it. He will laugh and say ‘Do what I do. I just don’t worry about anything’. And then I feel I can’t talk to him about anything. I also think to myself he would not like it if I treated him like that and changed the subject everytime he



  290.  #290Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 3:08 am

    I also realise that I have been leaning back and receiving from S in quite an unhealthy way.

    This means I’ve been accepting quite bad a childish behaviour and not speaking up for fear of upsetting him.

    For example when I am talking about something serious and important to me he will quite often make a joke about it. He will laugh and say ‘Do what I do. I just don’t worry about anything’. And then I feel I can’t talk to him about anything. I also think to myself he would not like it if I treated him like that and changed the subject every time he wanted to talk about something. I try and turn this into a bit of a joke and gently point this out to him. I’ve said it now between 10 and 20 times and he still ignores me.

    Also his humour is very crude and crass I am beginning to discover. He constantly makes very sexual jokes and everything seems to come back to sex. I didn’t mind so much when it was just in front of me but he’s like it in groups of people too. He’ll often say things to other women that I find in appropriate.

    I just don’t know who he is anymore. When I first met him he seemed like the most trustworthy and loving person I had ever met.

    I feel very confused…

    Right I am going to go off and take care of myself…

    I am feeling tired and know I have a list of jobs to get through…

    Have a great day Sirens – though I may be back soon if there are more things to get off my chest.

    One thing I’ve realised is how intense I sound. This must be reflected in my relationship I guess….



  291.  #291Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 3:09 am

    Lol, I must try and think light and airy…



  292.  #292Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 4:18 am

    Too Much you keep saying you feel scared. What do you plan to do to take care of yourself? To trust yourself? To love yourself?

    You cannot love someone who doesn’t treat you right. It is not love.



  293.  #293Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:28 am

    Thank you Feminine Woman for 231, that was beautiful xxx

    And thank you also for 232.



  294.  #294Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Linda, thank you for what you wrote in 234 and 238, I loved reading it.

    Big hugs to you xx



  295.  #295Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Beloved 240, that’s an amazing story.

    It felt really good reading that.



  296.  #296Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Thank you so much for the hugs Lisa 🙂

    xxxx



  297.  #297Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 5:35 am

    Oh I cooked myself some really healthy stuff as a being very good to myself gift. Usually when I cook I feel slightly nervous about getting things right. But today I just cooked with no-one at home. Just me and the deliciousness.

    I let the garlic slowly heat up with the oil and then the slivers of butternut. Finely cubed green pepper and tomato. Then my spices. Then the mushrooms. Then added to a bowl of wholewheat/barley.

    The butternut’s a little soft-crunchy, mushrooms are so soft and smooth — it just all tastes so good. I feel like a had a secret bit of hedonism. I think I might take a nap with all the birdsong outside. One bit of beautiful just lifts me up.



  298.  #298Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Indigo – you’re back !!! : )



  299.  #299Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:38 am

    Too Much,

    I also felt eery reading your comments – like, the bad seems to be so outweighing the good. It made me scared for how you will feel about yourself down the road if you don’t speak up or take action to do better for yourself. I don’t think you want to let these feelings linger unattended.

    x



  300.  #300Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 5:39 am

    The sweetness of the tomato and the butternut really go well together — I’m being indulgent here,but it feels good to be in my body in a delicious way as opposed to just feeling the icky feelings.



  301.  #301Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Hi Veronica 🙂

    I still feel mucky. Still trying to work through the stuff as it comes up, and still feeling fragile :/



  302.  #302Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 7:03 am

    FW

    I plan to take baby steps to take care of myself. I will do all the things I need to do and not feel ashamed or guilty for asking for space to do these things. I will ask for acceptance. I may be slow and not perfect but so what.

    Love to me, forgiveness to me….



  303.  #303Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Indigo

    Thanks so much for your comments and they are exactly my own thoughts.

    I think that if I pull back he will just let go anyway because I sense he needs so much more.

    When I stop trying to be superwoman he may realise we are not suited. Or I should say when I stop trying to please him.

    Does this make sense? Sometimes I wonder if I am talking rubbish or not??!

    Advice sirens: How do I become more confident??

    I feel like this is never going to happen for me and I feel sad about this.



  304.  #304Waterfall on September 7, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Anyway, I am going to go off and post some fliers for our local community day. I am going to buy some ingredients to make a cake. I’m going to deposit some old books for our free library. Then i will buy some chicken for my home chicken fajitas and salsa that I will make for my tea. Kind of looking forward to it… Not sure if I will see S or not but I will try and be positive either way…



  305.  #305dcslady on September 7, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Thats because he has a fiance he tends to and says he loves everyday which i personally witness



  306.  #306LoveAlways on September 7, 2013 at 7:25 am

    I’m triggered by everything. I feel good about that but the process makes me feel anxious and jumpy. Can stop thinking



  307.  #307Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Aurora – it is good that you are back on here. I can’t believe it’s been two years! I can’t believe I’ve been on the blog (off and on) that long! I probably had a different siren name back then…maybe it was Tiffany?

    Anyway, I really like this that you wrote: “A Siren staying true to herself is not always easy….

    but I think it`s the only way to real love.”

    Yes! Very true….



  308.  #308Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Hi Emerson – aw, that stinks! I’m sorry he poofed on you : ( Oh well, I guess we can’t take it personally. Even though I know I do it, too. But it has to be for his own reasons. And it very likely has nothing to do with you…we’re on the horse…



  309.  #309Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 8:46 am

    (((Indigo))) – Much comfort and strength to you



  310.  #310Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 8:54 am

    So right now…the reason I came onto the blog today…is that I am in CCB’s city. Eep! Yup. I’m here. And a while back, I told him that I was coming here. He didn’t respond. So as much as I am just dying, with every fibre of my body, to lean forward and text him and let him know that I’m here, I’m not doing it. I know I need to give him a chance to “miss me.” And me, too, I guess. I need to experience this city without him.

    And it’s different without him. It is slightly less sexy. Although, I find that I am still enjoying it quite a bit. Coming here to see him before made it much more exciting in that particular way.

    At the time, and ever since, something has been telling me that he wasn’t right for me. But maybe that was fear talking. Maybe that was insecurity. He is smart, attractive, successful, introspective. What if he IS right for me, and my subconscious is trying to sabotage me…AGAIN. **sigh**

    I had a surprise text from an old CD yesterday. We met two years ago on Rosh Hashanah. He was the guy from the beach. Immediately after we met, he said he wanted to be with me. I said I was surprised to hear from him when he texted yesterday. He said why? He always thinks of me.

    It’s weird. I don’t really know what to do with these guys. Seems like they think of me a lot and they really like me, but they never *TELL* me about it. How am I supposed to know, if they just sit there in their own brains, thinking about how amazing I am, and I’m over here thinking that nobody likes me? Sheesh!!

    And if they like me so much, why don’t they DO anything about it???…

    Now that’s probably my thing. What I need to do, on my end, is just keep digging into all the places that need healing and resolution. To shift my vibe so that it is OKAY for them to tell me about it. I must be making it “not okay” in my mind. Yes, and I believe that’s true. I’m not really sure where that’s coming from. But definitely I have some very deep belief, or physical sensation that it is “not okay” when I receive attention from a man…even if I want it. OK.

    Deep breathing. I’m ok. It’s going to be OK.



  311.  #311Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 8:55 am

    I found this article helpful for what I’m struggling with. With the uncertainty and my fears of me getting my hopes up and then trampled while still keeping in contact is too much for me to deal with on my own. I don’t know how to do all of that.

    I don’t think I could handle a conversation right now about where things are going and what we feel or don’t feel for each other. I’d run.

    It feels comforting to know that contact doesn’t necessarily mean interest and interest doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together. Patience and building friendship (maybe) feels a lot safer. Breathe.

    Comments section is where things really come together for me.

    http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/signs-that-say-your-ex-is-becoming-interested-again/



  312.  #312Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Veronica:

    “contact doesn’t necessarily mean interest and interest doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together”

    Very wise.



  313.  #313Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Tereana – wasn’t that guy on the beach married though?



  314.  #314ArabianLove on September 7, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Ladies … do you call a man that has given you his number ?



  315.  #315Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 11:03 am

    ArabianLove – what is the context?

    A man giving you his number, in my mind, is a kinda invitation to chase him. I am quite comfortable turning over a calling card, writing my number on it and handing it back to him and let him know I am old fashioned. I feel more comfortable with the man calling. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot by setting up a bad pattern from the beginning.



  316.  #316ArabianLove on September 7, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Online dating … he sent me his number and said I can text him if I want to … I haven’t yet ! lol



  317.  #317ArabianLove on September 7, 2013 at 11:36 am

    I mean we’ve chatted and all … but I guess I can send him my number and tell him id prefer he call me 🙂



  318.  #318Luzydel on September 7, 2013 at 11:43 am

    How to Attract Masculine Energy Into Your Life – Iyanla

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VW4N1w6dQ1g



  319.  #319Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    That’s what I’d do



  320.  #320Luzydel on September 7, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    My previous comment got into moderation… just go to you tube and Search Iyanla Vanzant, she’s great.

    One lesson from her. If a man tells you his truth, believe it; do not challenge it or question is or analyze it. If a ma says he is not ready for a relationship, believe it. If he says he likes you, believe it…



  321.  #321Indigo on September 7, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Wow Luzydel, also, very wise.



  322.  #322Melanie Murphy Myer on September 7, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    I’m here tonight to work through a trigger.

    I feel it in my solar plexus.

    Breathing through . . .

    Relaxing the tension . . .

    Closing my eyes . . .

    Tuning into intuition . . .

    Let go let go let go, my intuition whispers.

    Breathe.

    Keep breathing, keep letting go . . .

    Release all that is beyond your power . . .

    Step back

    Allow

    Rest safely child

    Nestle into comfort

    Let go let go let go.



  323.  #323Syreena on September 7, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    My heart hurts.
    Of course I have expectations
    I expect that if I choose to be with someone that they care and they show that they care when I have hurt myself or am in pain. And they don’t just act indifferent.
    This indifference increases my pain as then not only do I have the physical pain but emotional pain on top of it.
    And long after the physical paim has gone or under control, the emotional pain is still there.
    So why oh why am I choosing to spend time and be with these people.
    Answer, because I am not in a place yet to fully get away from them or get them away from me.
    I am only temporarily able to get away or get them away from me.
    I just so wish that they had not ever been in my life. But alas wishes are not real.
    Reality fuckkkkking hurts. And all I am able to do is slowly slowly move away and towards something better.



  324.  #324Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    308 tereana
    I felt better after reading your words. You’re right, prolly nothin to do with me… Who knows what’s going on with him…



  325.  #325Zia on September 7, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    hmmm my ex popped back up last night and we had an interesting conversation. i remember someone saying something very memorable once. she said that when we make a decision to move forward/on from something, sometimes we’ll get ‘tested’, in the form of being offered things that were part of our old way. i wonder if that’s what this is.



  326.  #326Hana on September 7, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Zia! What happened, and how do u feel about it?

    I’m on my way to a blind date.

    X



  327.  #327Zia on September 7, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    I’m just going to keep moving forward in this new direction – I’m on my bridge, we’ll see who ends up joining me!



  328.  #328Zia on September 7, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Hana – it was just a conversation that started off innocently enough but then went into interesting territory. I’ve actually been in touch with him the past few weeks, just chatting about friendly things like the football and whatnot but this was the first time it went beyond just friendly chit chat.

    ‘ll be curious to see if he instigates conversation again or not, but I won’t be reaching out. I feel good, because I am in a place where I wouldn’t be tempted to go back there just for the sake of it – things DO happen for a reason. If this conversation had taken place even a few weeks ago, I would have ended up sitting here over analysing wondering about whether it means anything for us etc etc. The way I feel now it’s just a place of curiosity and no sense of need or desperation.

    Feels good to be here. Just sitting in my corner doing my thing, seeing who shows up 🙂



  329.  #329Zia on September 7, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Also – good luck for your blind date!! I have one this morning too 🙂



  330.  #330Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Zia I would just consider it a conversation. It was about what he was feeling in that moment. This is a new and different moment.



  331.  #331Vi on September 7, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    I feel ashamed of angry feelings I am experiencing and instead of expressing them or at least sitting for awile with my shame I got into an argument with the person who triggered them… Now I feel ashamed of getting into an argument… Now I feel giggly and a bit tired of shame… Feels so draining… Thank you shame for being there for me but I’d better choose the path of expressing my feelings the next time… Yes I will have to deal with my fear then .. and I can feel already a part of it as tension on my legs.. and I’ll just go for it



  332.  #332Vi on September 7, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Hehe now I feel ashamed of typos… My Soup feels sour today.. Hehe



  333.  #333Zia on September 7, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    329 FW yes exactly. it feels good to me to view it that way and not read into it, or try and get into his head.



  334.  #334Lisa on September 7, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    I think things with “R” are quickly going down hill… He called me Friday morning as he said he would… I was having a massage, so I called him back… he said are we still on for tonight… so we agreed to meet around 6p then he said between 6-6:30 and well talk later today, about where… Ok so the call got dropped… so I called him back… and wanted to make sure I had it correctly.. b/c I had a busy day… so he agreed we’d talk about 5p… he’d call me…

    6p came and went, I was getting ready…and at 6:15 I decided well we were going to meet about 6p… he didn’t call me, I waited over an hour… so I decided to go pick up “E” my child from the sitter….do something with her ( that was my plan B) I was almost there when “R” called… and said what’s up… I said I don’t know… he said what are you doing, I said, I’m on my way to get “E”. He said your joking, I said well I didn’t hear from you, and we were suppose to meet at 6p… so I thought I was being stood up… he said oh NO I thought you were going to call me… He said it was a miscommunication… I said OK.. what should we do now… I said I have to go back home and change.. I can meet you in 30-40 mins..

    Ok so I did and he brings his friend to dinner with us…( had his friend say that he had looked at his phone many times to wait to hear from me) But on our 3rd date?? bring a friend?… that felt so weird… he didn’t tell me in advance… ask me… I went with it – I can go with the flow… but the friend talked the entire dinner and it was my fav. restaurant… would have been very romantic… I told him I really liked his friend ( which I did) … He apologized several times for spacing out calling me, I told him it was ok…we went dancing… and he looked at so many other women, every time I looked at him… he was gauking at women’s breasts.. or them dancing…..

    Then he sat down beside me… and started looking at his e-mails and told me about his father’s birthday ( who died earlier this year) I listened and then he told me how abusive he was.. I held his arm and said that must have been hard, I’m sorry you went through that..

    but really on the 3rd date… ???

    I had to turn and walk away once b/c he was looking at other women so much… I just turned and walked, he came over to me. I left to go to the bathroom ( b/c I needed to)….

    I didn’t want to use my feeling messages and tell him how weird I felt since he was going on about his father..

    but he was suppose to call tonight and hasn’t… I’m ok with that.. since I’m not sure I want to continue with him… but it is strange since he has called me everyday since two weeks now…

    The kisses don’t feel right to me… nothing feeling wise…no oxytocin no chemistry.. kind of felt yuk… really….

    and he talked about sex again… even though I told him it would be awhile that I needed time. I ask if he is used to getting sex on the third date, he said No.. but it felt weird…him telling me how excited (meaning erect) he gets with me…

    I just felt weird… all around… last night…so much that I didn’t sleep hardly at all…last night.. even with sleeping pills…

    OXOXO



  335.  #335Luzydel on September 7, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Got rid of POF profile; not hid it but delete it finally!
    I need to loose weight; feel better. Fix up my budget, and get organized. FlingCD text me every day, but after not having sex with him for over 2 weeks and feel less hung up and can see him clearly for who he is. Not saying he is a bad person, just not seeing him as a potential partner or someone who can cherish me anymore. CaptainCD is back, but again I now see him for who he is and I don’t know; I want to be alone for a bit… I miss me!!



  336.  #336Lisa on September 7, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    I feel like giving up…. really just giving up..

    I’m tired of my breasts not being big enough… I’m tired of the whole sex talk crap… I’m tired of attracting the wrong men…..

    My breast are beautiful! not big but perky and cute… and they suit me just fine…

    So where the hell are the men that like small breasted active women? My breasts are perfect for what I do… they don’t get in my way… when I climb… or do yoga… I’m fit, foxy and fine.. but no man so far has seen what I have on the inside too… I thought that was “R” but after talking with someone… they said, wow sounds like you need to move on from him… I agree… 3rd date was too weird…

    I know that this is suppose to be fun, but it isn’t… dating is hard for me… it exhausts me, it adds more to my plate…. and I just as soon not date until MR right shows up really… but then again, I’m giving up… don’t care anymore… I gave it my best shot! Really worked hard on me, tried to use the tools… as best I could… and I’m just so tired of being tired…tired of being on dates that are only barely fun… not really interesting…

    I’m tired of the offers for trips, paintings, and jewelry and have it all be empty..empty… words… trying to get me….

    and this is just me venting… not trying to start another debate… these are my feelings…

    I’m so sad crying…crying… crying….

    I just want my life to be settled and easy and loving and soft… and peaceful! ( not all the time, that is crazy expectations) but in a cozy into my life way… and I was hoping that would be with a man in my life, but that ain’t happening….. getting sitters and having to rush to get ready, sleep in and get my schedule all out of wack… toooo tired… been going on 2+ years… I just don’t have it in me… anymore…it’s not fun! I was lying to myself that it was fun, it isn’t.

    OXOXOX



  337.  #337Luzydel on September 7, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Lisa not dating other people for a while helps me… you can go back later if you miss it. But there is no need to put pressure on yourself to date all the time and have an outcome… Is sucks dating sucks, some people here talk about dating like they talk about pregnancy and it is all a joy and bla bla, but both of them suck! I am not going to lie about it and blame myself and say I am not using the darn tool correctly…No I am, but it still sucks! and because it sucks, I am taking a break for a while; and when I miss a suckish date, then I’ll go back, but knowing it really sucks and nothing will come out of it. LOL sorry I needed to vent as well



  338.  #338Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Ah I feel so scared sometims ‘that my dreams may not come true…
    Then I’m realizing I think I am pms-ing this week, which is why I have felt so low…



  339.  #339Lisa on September 7, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    @Luzydel yeah if dating was that much fun , no one would want to get married…LOL 🙂

    on a single mom… at my age… yeah it’s too much… I’m tired all the time anyway… I never get more than 5-6 hrs of sleep except a rare occasion.. b/c at my age, we wake up in the middle of the night… just b/c … hormones?

    I’m in good shape, I exercise, I eat great, very healthy, I have an awesome body for age 50.. some tell me it looks like I’m in my early 30’s… but really! That isn’t all I have to offer! and for me to go through all these tools, deal with all I have to deal with and I’m way behind… and then date, men that I don’t really really really want to date, just b/c I need to circle date… it tires me out even more…

    I realized after speaking to someone… just tonight that “R” had a girlfriend die of cancer and her name was Lisa… so, not to get into anyone’s head here.. but seems like maybe…. I’m triggering him…. since our (her and I) personalities were similar…

    but I realized that I need to forgive my own father… and then maybe I’ll stop attracting these men that adore me but can’t love me…. the mirror… my dad adored me when I was a baby… but when I turned 5 I dropped of the face of the earth as far as he was concerned…

    I’ve know I need to forgive my father, but I don’t want to… I like hating him… for beating me, for using me, for hating me b/c my mother loved me more… I want to hate him… I can’t stand the thought of loving him, of forgiving him…

    MY hardest work yet to do… forgive my Narcissistic father……. that makes me feel like I want to puk…

    OXOXOX



  340.  #340Zia on September 7, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Luzydel you inspired me to delete my POF profile too!



  341.  #341Zia on September 7, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Luzydel – I’m also still feeling like dating is not right for me right now, but it’s ok because I’m just having so much fun being me and going out and meeting men wherever I am instead 🙂



  342.  #342Veronica on September 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Indigo – 312 – Agreed, I really like her mature treatment of this issue.Very level-headed.



  343.  #343Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    336 luzydel I know what you mean about daring …
    I deleted my online profile completely a while back…
    I wished I hadn’t at first but now I know it’s good to start fresh… I will go back soon.



  344.  #344Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    *dating



  345.  #345Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    338 (((Lisa)))



  346.  #346Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    I’ve had a closed off energy…
    I know men can feel it…
    I need to shift and feel more open!
    I can shift it…. I need to switch up my routine….



  347.  #347Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    I’ve been feeling angry…
    And feeling the anger of men, sometimes toward me….
    I don’t mind the anger … It will pass



  348.  #348Femininewoman on September 7, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Emerson – yes you can shift it. I know you can.



  349.  #349Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    My energy is soo leaning forward toward cutecityCD …
    I feel piney and critical of myself!
    I need to send myself patience and compassion!!!

    I also have a cutecountryCD…we met online previously but never in person. We haven’t met cuz he lives about 30 minutes away and wants me to meet him in his town. I’ve said no I don’t feel comfy with that but he keeps asking the same thing lol I’m feeling bored with it!



  350.  #350Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    Thank u FW



  351.  #351Zia on September 7, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Have any ladies here managed to do the “friends with benefits” arrangement without getting attached?



  352.  #352Emerson on September 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    350 Zia
    No. I can’t do it.



  353.  #353Zia on September 7, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Emerson: I’ve actually never had one where I’ve gone into it knowing that’s all it is. I have been in a situation where I kind of “fell into” it…. and that didn’t end well because my expectations were different to his. I wonder if it would make a difference if I went into one with an understanding at the very beginning that that is all it would be. hmmmm.



  354.  #354Zia on September 7, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    It might be one of those things that I won’t know until I try it. I think I’ve grown enough now that I’d be able to trust myself if I found that my needs or expectations started to become more than the arrangement allows, and move away from it if that was what happened.



  355.  #355Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    FW – different guy on the beach! Well remembered, though. That was a disaster. Lol hahaha



  356.  #356Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    Beloved – I love your luggage story! What happened next??

    Lisa – I like what you had to write about “R.” He sounds like a great guy. It’s ok if you’re not attracted to him right now…

    And I can totally resonate with the feeling of working your a$$ off, but not having it show up financially. And I also felt a little self conscious about this, too. I feel like I don’t want a guy to feel “burdened” by me. Like they’d have to take care of me and I would be a drain on them. I’d rather then feel like I can handle it myself, if I have to. Maybe that’s just a little too ‘independent’ or masculine of me, but that’s the way I feel. I want a man to take care of me because he wants to, not because he has to.

    Waterfall, I like the new name! 🙂



  357.  #357Tereana on September 7, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    Emerson, I still always like reading your posts : )

    Today is day 2 of being in CCB’s city. In fact, this afternoon, I met a friend and we were hanging out in his neighborhood! It was all I could do not to send him a text. But I kept reminding myself to give him space…

    One more day to go. I have things to do for myself tomorrow. I need to wait for him to make a move if he wants to.

    And I heard again from the Beach Man today. Two days in a row! 🙂 it was very nice. I find myself thinking about him again, but just in curiosity. I can’t believe he hasn’t forgotten about me all this time! But then again, who could forget about me? We had an amazing meeting. I’m an amazing and fabulous woman. Of course he’s thinking of me! It makes total sense ; ) hm, I wonder what will come of all this…



  358.  #358Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Lisa 333

    This feels very bad to me. I would SO not be ok with this treatment, and so early on.

    xx



  359.  #359Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 2:24 am

    Lisa, Re your Father and forgiviness. To me forgiviness is over rated and a lot of people are too quick to forgive, it all feels very new agey.

    Unless someone comes to me and I see remorse and they ask for forgiviness I am not going to forgive. If they are not asking and giving me a genuine sorry. Rather than a begrudging sorry. Or a I’m sorry but. Or a blamey sorry.

    You know when someone is genuinly sorry by the look in their eyes, tone of their voice mannerisms.

    Re your date. It doesn’t sound like it felt good to you.
    Or am I reading that wrong?
    If it didn’t feel good to you for him to bring a friend on date 3, or for him to be oggling other women while with you, why would you want to date him again?



  360.  #360Millie on September 8, 2013 at 2:35 am

    @350 Zia–

    My friends with benefits experiences fit into two categories:
    1. I wasn’t truly “into” the guy and thought it would be fun…turns out if i’m not “into” the guy, for me the sex becomes kind of boring and pointless very fast.

    2. I AM into the guy….and then realize I want more and shouldn’t be doing this…and you know the rest of how that story unfolds…

    Either way I realized it didn’t work for me.



  361.  #361Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 2:41 am

    Facing up to reality felt so painful last night.
    Now I feel numb.
    Want to have some energy and stay focused on creating something better.
    The energy is and focus are just not there.
    The appeal of distraction, escapism and fantasy is high.
    At least I don’t feel pain at the moment.



  362.  #362Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Syreena,

    Your posts feels so negative.

    I feel genuine compassion for you.

    I cannot imagine what it must be like to feel that way inside and to feel that way towards other people.



  363.  #363Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Indigo 🙂



  364.  #364Luzydel on September 8, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Lisa I think online dating sucks more that any other form of dating. I feel better when I am out hiking, exercising and a man approach me and starts talking to me. He may not ask me out or see me again, but it feels natural and less pressure to have something develop.

    I like things now like this I feel relaxed, If a man wants me he has to be in front of me telling me he wants a relationship with me, and that he is willing to unpack his baggage to start something new with me. I feel tired of meeting men who act like victim, and use other women for sex to numb themselves and their pain. Men who cannot respect a woman enough to tell her the truth.

    I am a single mom as well, my son is 15 and I am 39; I have the energy for a teen, But I don’t have the energy for a grown up man that behaves like one. I am open, I have being searching through my feelings, working on myself, not chasing men etc. Most importantly is that I am learning the difference between boundaries and walls. I am becoming a woman and not a little girl anymore. I am starting to have grace, class and finesse; I don’t have time for men who act like little boys.



  365.  #365Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:42 am

    358 Syreena – that’s a shame. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person or whether they deserve it. It’s all about being able to make the space in our own heart to be open to something/someone new and positive.



  366.  #366Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:44 am

    359 Millie – both are quite valid points, thanks for sharing 🙂



  367.  #367Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:46 am

    363: I feel the same way about online dating… it just feels like too much pressure. I feel a lot more comfortable right now about just meeting people out and about.



  368.  #368Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:55 am

    Lisa:
    “I’ve know I need to forgive my father, but I don’t want to… I like hating him… for beating me, for using me, for hating me b/c my mother loved me more… I want to hate him… I can’t stand the thought of loving him, of forgiving him…”

    What does all of that do for you?



  369.  #369Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:57 am

    I’ve been feeling frustrated lately. Not men related though! Just feeling a bit more sensitive to negativity I think.



  370.  #370Zia on September 8, 2013 at 6:01 am

    I’m watching the bachelor and the whole idea of this show just feels so yucky! all these women competing for one guy, bleagh.



  371.  #371Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 6:09 am

    @Emerson Thanks! <3

    @Indigo Yes, I'm not ok with it… and frankly just felt icky…

    I don't meet men out and about really? I don't know why.. Ok well there was one last weekend.. but he was a drunk, I found out later after I gave him my number… he just kept drinking and drinking and said I didn't know how to have fun b/c I don't drink… EEEW.. Glad he didn't call me… yuk.

    I'm just not attracting good, honest men…that have a big heart and really are looking for love.

    @Syreena I know how that feels too, but I think that forgiveness will be for me, not for my dad… it will hopefully stop the cycle of me attracting men like him.

    and your right the date didn't feel good… not at all…

    I think I need to do The Work on "men only want me for sex"… and see if that maybe breaks some of this up…

    OXOXO



  372.  #372Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Zia that’s why I don’t watch it. If I do it is to learn about the negative things that happen in relationships, at least that is what my mind tend to focus on. Once in a while it might refocus to get some other lessons.



  373.  #373April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Hi,

    April here with random quote (meaning sorry ladies, I haven’t caught up on reading the thread but I want to join in anyway!)

    “Love creates beauty. When our heart opens, beauty washes through us as we look out into the big, wide, wonderful world. We look with eyes of caring, compassion and generosity.
    Why choose a closed heart when an open heart makes the world look so much better? And it is a choice.”

    Susan Jeffers, The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love (page 206)

    Thanks blog and Rori and wonderful sirens for being here 🙂



  374.  #374Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 6:37 am

    I just read this below and bingo! This is me… I had it beat into me as a child…” it’s better to give than to receive”….

    “You see, so many of us have been programmed that it’s “always better to give than to receive”. This is especially true of people like you and me who are passionate about personal growth. We want to make ourselves better so that we can be better equipped to make more of a positive difference in the world.

    This is the reason that so many of us are way more comfortable giving our time and energy to others and the world around us than we are receiving it back.

    Now, while generosity is certainly a fantastic quality…

    If You’re A Lousy Receiver,You’re Actually Creating A Massive Imbalance In Your Energy Field ”

    I’m much better at receiving than ever, but I think that I’m attracting men that “give to get” b/c I don’t have a good receiving receptor… yet.. and my primary goal is to give, so I attract men than want to get.

    Just sayin

    OXOXOX



  375.  #375Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Thank you April Rose for sharing. It’s really beautiful and feel so much like soft feminine energy.



  376.  #376Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Indigo.

    It feels odd to me that you say you feel genuine compassion towards me and then say you cannot imagine what it must be like to feel the way I do. As to have genuine compassion a person has to be able to do just that imagine what it must be like to be that person and be in their shoes. That is part of being compassionate.

    Your post about my posts feels bad to me. I don’t feel understood ot heard by you.

    Most times when you engage with directly or about me indirectly about me treating me as athird person who is not really here it feels upsetting

    I don’t want to read your comments about me or what I write anymore as they feel upsetting to me. So from now on it feels in my best interest to not read them.



  377.  #377LoveAlways on September 8, 2013 at 7:06 am

    I don’t have to share everything I feel. I just have to feel everything I feel



  378.  #378Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 7:12 am

    RE 376 🙂



  379.  #379Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:13 am

    I hear that we do not share the same perception or understanding on forgiviness Zia. I share the same understanding and perception as Dr Pamela Stephenson over this issue. Feel understanding that others do not share mine or her views and understanding on this issue though.

    I don’t want to forgive people who show no remorse.



  380.  #380Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:16 am

    And understand that you feel differntly and are ok with this.

    It is just not me.



  381.  #381Radlove on September 8, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Hi April Rose!!!

    I miss you! On 372, thanks for sharing! What a beautiful quote!



  382.  #382Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Zia, 370, I agree and with FW that if I watch it now, it is to learn not to put myself in situations where I am competing with other women over a man.

    I don’t want a man like that.



  383.  #383Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Syreena,

    It was not my intention to make you feel bad, and I am pretty sure you know that.

    I still do feel very deep compassion for someone who responds to others as you do.

    Go well.

    xx



  384.  #384Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Your subconscious mind picks up on your thoughts and beliefs.
    It creates situations that match your thoughts and beliefs.

    When you have negative thoughts and negative
    beliefs you’ll keep creating more and more negative situations.

    You’ll keep creating more blocks.

    You’ll have the law of attraction working
    against you. It will just bring you more
    of what you don’t want.

    At the same time you’ll drive away
    positive people and positive situations.
    And that’s why life gets tougher and
    you continue to struggle.

    This is how the Law Of Attraction works.
    It’s tied to the thoughts and beliefs
    that your subconscious simply follows.

    It attracts the people, situations and opportunities that mirror your thoughts and beliefs.

    Karim Hajee
    Creating Power



  385.  #385Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Feminine Woman 381,

    Yip, and has made me want to take an extended break from the blog more than once.



  386.  #386Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Your subconscious mind picks up on your thoughts and beliefs.
    It creates situations that match your thoughts and beliefs.

    When you have negative thoughts and negative
    beliefs you’ll keep creating more and more negative situations.

    You’ll keep creating more blocks.

    You’ll have the law of attraction working
    against you. It will just bring you more
    of what you don’t want.

    At the same time you’ll drive away
    positive people and positive situations.
    And that’s why life gets tougher and
    you continue to struggle.

    This is how the Law Of Attraction works.
    It’s tied to the thoughts and beliefs
    that your subconscious simply follows.

    It attracts the people, situations and opportunities that mirror your thoughts and beliefs.

    Karim Hajee
    Creating Power



  387.  #387Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:35 am

    I don’t want to deny my negative feelings. I want to love except and welocome them, knowing that they are here to listen to and serve me.

    My negative feelings are here to guide and protect me. They are not the same as negative voices. Negative feelings are part of the real me. Negative inner voices and put downs are my parents voices. Negative feelings serve me well. Negative inner voices do not.

    I do not want to allow anyone who does not hear and accept my negative feeelings or who minimizes or is critical of them close to me. I love all of my feelings and only want to get close with people who love all of my feelings.



  388.  #388April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Hi Radlove, Good to see you to. And thanks for liking my quote!

    FW, I feel warm that you said it felt soft and feminine. Thank you.



  389.  #389April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 7:49 am

    Indigo and FW,

    Do you have to take everything/ every comment/ everyone on?
    Chill, ladies!!!!
    Your hearts are huge enough to hold all of us here…
    without judgement.

    It’s almost like a form of over-functioning; over-responding??? or something. I understand how it can happen. Being ever so sensitive myself, I tend to take every little thing on board.
    Yet we have to learn to let some things just be.

    Otherwise we stay perfectionists, in life, and in love. Men can smell this, I think, and stay away from us because they think they cannot match up to our standards.



  390.  #390Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:49 am

    So why read them then FW? Nobody is forcing you to



  391.  #391Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Thanks April Rose for the reminder, very wise.

    I needed it 🙂



  392.  #392April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 8:11 am

    You’re welcome, Indigo,

    I would feel cheated of your presence if you stayed away from the blog.
    And if it happened because you gave your power away, (i.e. let the power of your reaction to a comment get the better of you) I’d feel a mixture of sighing, sorrow, and growling (like a tiny angry lion!!)



  393.  #393April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I feel helpless when I can’t make someone see what I see.
    Especially when it’s something that matters to my heart.

    I can choose:
    either to fight to convince you,
    or to let you be.

    My challenge is to maintain connection. Not create seperation by my judgements.

    Why are my judgements so enticing to me?
    Do they make me feel superior? Better than you? Do they make me feel safe? Aligned with experts? Is it just my habit? Can I form a new habit? Radical acceptance? Instant forgiveness?



  394.  #394April Rose on September 8, 2013 at 8:29 am

    This is my story.

    I researched hard. I decided I knew what was best to save the life of my Mum.
    My Dad didn’t act on it.
    I hated him. I felt sooo helpless. Powerless. Fighting against the cage of my own skin, to no avail. Angry.

    How could I do it differently now?
    How would radical acceptance have made a difference in my life? Accepting that my Mum was dying? And that I was just a child, and that my Dad couldn’t hear me because he was frightened….. that we were all frightened.

    How could we have connected with each other? Instead of each of us being isolated in our own terror?

    What lesson does helplessness have for me?



  395.  #395Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Thanks April Rose. I let a lot go, just in case you haven’t noticed.



  396.  #396Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Love always. I am now coming back to that same conclusion.
    I don’t have to share everything I feel.

    And indeed it is actually harmful to me and unsafe to do so.

    To choose wisely who I share with. This blog at times does not feel safe to me.

    Maybe that is my lesson. The lesson of love. The loving action to stop sharing my feelings openly to just anyone. To be more selective and only share privatly with people who have earned that privilleage and my trust.

    As this is a public forum I am effectively opening up and sharing part of myself with anyone and everyone.

    That is starting to not feel good to me.



  397.  #397Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Love always.

    The names feel apt.

    What is my lesson here. The lesson is always love.
    And I have also been coming to that conclusion that I don’t have to share everything with everyone.

    And it is not serving me to share my feelings with everyone. I am not being loving to myself in doing so.

    As some people don’t feel safe to share with.
    And I want to feel safe and loved.
    It is 100% my responsibilty to feel safe and love and take the appropriate loving action
    This blog doesn’t really feel that safe as if I share here I am sharing with everyone here and any member of the public who chooses to look.

    So by being here and choosing to open up and share with everyone I am not being loving to myself. So my lesson is always love and to take the appropriate loving , compassionae kind action for myself and stop sharing with any old Tom dick or harry choose more wisely, slectively and privately who I open up to and allow close to me and my heart.

    Time to take better and more loving care of my heart.



  398.  #398Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Tom, dick or Harry in hindsight feel better being replaced under the circumstances with any Fanny, Mary or Penny.



  399.  #399Sophie on September 8, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Hello Sirens

    Totally changing the subject – I had a weekend away seeing family and things which was really pleasant – it feels good to have an ‘easy’ relationship with my parents after many many years of unhappiness and anger between us – this weekend felt great and I joined them with some of their old friends that I know from childhood and it was really joyous – some great female role models; beauty, character, adventure, health and vitality

    When I came home CDB was waiting for me and he had spent the best part of the weekend cleaning my house so that it was “nice for me to come home”. He knows that I hate cleaning 🙂 and he’d put incense on and done the washing and folded it in piles and fixed my bed which had been broken for months. And he was so pleased and keen for me to like it. I did like it very much. I felt very touched with his gift and with how he really does seem to look for ways to make my life easier for me and to make me happy…he is coming back for food later. I feel very warm and cherished this weekend xx



  400.  #400Sophie on September 8, 2013 at 10:58 am

    392 April Rose – I love your words – its true it always feels so much more peaceful to me when I remind myself to move towards love and connection and away from separation

    Maybe that’s why when I can’t make someone see what I see it feels like separation when I want connection – then when I remember NOT to be in separation myself (go into attack, or frustration or persuasion or endless justification) I have to hold a connecting place in my heart without the connecting place being visible in words and understanding – it’s possible but it takes reminding myself over and over again…



  401.  #401Daria on September 8, 2013 at 11:34 am

    oh no that felt bad

    i loved my pregnancy while i was having it

    i love thinking about being pregnant again

    i feel sad that some people think it sux

    i love dating too

    i actually feel angry that some people just say it sux

    i feel so powerless that stuff i enjoy so much can just be something people really and honestly think sux!

    i feel frustrated with this ‘world’ where i have this kinda experience frequently

    im also having my period and i feel honored… another instance wher ive heard people say it sux



  402.  #402Daria on September 8, 2013 at 11:35 am

    this happns in my family often and i feel alienated

    also in ‘society’

    sigh

    eye roll

    i want to heal this pattern i have with this



  403.  #403Daria on September 8, 2013 at 11:40 am

    wow on TV a woman just said pregnancy sux

    WHY CANT I JUST FIT IN?

    or otherwise my mind says WHY CANT STUPID PEOPLE JUST STOP BEING STUPID?

    and now i feel guilty!

    translate this for my health and happyness

    i feel sad and scared and stuck on the outs!



  404.  #404Daria on September 8, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    it came at new moon too a real surprise showing me my health and blessing

    i think my health ‘challenges’ are really a show of my consciousenss no longer accepting less health… i think im likely healthier than ever and getting more and more

    immortal



  405.  #405Daria on September 8, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    i feel lonely and im missing Sexy NEighbor actually not bookie

    yay



  406.  #406Daria on September 8, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    pufff
    i have 5 more weeks to wait to get back

    and tehn

    plan to go to Brazil

    but there ll be more men there

    maybe thers men here too…. hmmm

    i felt bad talking to my dad yesterday
    wantedt to not go back to avaoid interacting with him

    want to heal all this

    babysteps

    super on my side healthwise right nwo



  407.  #407Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Wow Sophie. That CDB sounds like a real man 🙂



  408.  #408Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Syreena Hang in there, girl. I have no idea what some of the harsh comments are about. Really bizarre! Oh well, I would just ignore them.

    (((((((Syreena))))))))



  409.  #409Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    So here I am. Last day in CCB’s city. I leave to go home early tomorrow. I had a great time yesterday catching up with an old friend. Today, I am getting work done, and taking time to relax for myself.

    Part of me really wants to see him. I keep thinking of things I would text to him. I might just say hi. I might say that I miss him. I might say the city is sexier with him than without him (this is true). I like him and I want to see him again. But I don’t want to put pressure on him. That’s why I haven’t said anything. But I feel torn.

    I worry that if I leave without saying anything it will be a missed opportunity.

    But at the same time, I trust that if I do just that, there will be another opportunity. He will contact me in his own time, on his own terms.

    Reaching out to him feels like:

    – rowing the boat
    – leaning forward
    – controlling the outcome
    – searching for attention
    – desperation
    – low self confidence

    Not contacting him feels a little uncomfortable, because I really want to. But it could also feel like:

    – a woman in her power
    – trusting the universe
    – following my intuition
    – honoring my boundaries
    – having confidence
    – not responding to or acting on fear

    Instead of writing to him, I’ve texted other friends. I’ve come down to the waterfront to spend time with me, to relax, and feel how I feel. Whenever I reach for the phone and think of texting him I feel bad. It is really hard to hold back. But I think it’s for the best, if I do.

    What do you ladies think? Would you do the same? It seems pretty clear it would be leaning forward to contact him. I guess I’m just looking for some support and cheer leading to help keep me from making a big mistake!!

    I’ve come this far. Don’t let me fall off the wagon. I can do this….



  410.  #410Sophie on September 8, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Tereana – don’t text!!!!! I say that purely as you have written a pretty good case for why you don’t want to…you must do what feels right to you but you seem to know what would feel right to you…I sometimes like to think what would a rock star me do? 🙂 xxx



  411.  #411Sophie on September 8, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    @405 he definitely has a lot of pluses… 🙂



  412.  #412Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    This is prob not what you are looking for Tereana but I don’t agree that its never a good idea to contact a man. That just feels silly and based on following some kind of unnatural strict rule. If I were in your shoes, I might contact him. It would feel weird to me not to if I was in his city. Unless he’s made it clear he’s def not interested. But I really don’t think contacting him is going to make a big difference and will make him decide to completely write you off. I dunno i’ve been the initiator at times in the past and it can be the icebreaker to lead to more communication and connection. It can often give the man encouragement or a reminder to let him know that you are interested. I don’t make a habit of it but in the beginning or after a hiatus, it can give the man a boost to know of your interest. They can feel insecure too.



  413.  #413Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Sophie 397

    That sounds so wonderful and caring 🙂



  414.  #414Indigo on September 8, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    I’ve had a guy friend step up to care for me while I’ve been feeling really mucky.

    On Friday night he took me to eat dinner and have cocktails at the most magnificent (and I really mean magnificent!) hotel I have ever seen. It wasn’t magnificent in an ostentatious way, it was magnificent in a blows-your-mind-away-with-the-artistic-beauty way, and it was right next to the ocean. After dinner we went for a walk on the beach and then came back to the hotel for tea. He organized a taxi so we wouldn’t have to worry about drinking and driving. He paid for the lot.

    Tonight, he ordered in a huge platter of sushi and we had drinks and watched movies.

    He’s been so caring too… concerned, being a good listener, providing hugs. It feels good to receive this kindness.



  415.  #415Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Wow, FW 381, WOW!!!!

    This feels absolutely awful that you would write something like this here! I hope this comment gets removed…



  416.  #416Rori Raye on September 8, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Syreena – If you don’t like new-agey, I’m so sorry, you are in the wrong place on this blog. If you’re not interested in the concept of Forgiveness as a “blanket” thing – not picking and choosing who to forgive and who not, then I’m pretty much amazed you’re at all interested in anything I have to say. Here’s what you said: To me forgiviness is over rated and a lot of people are too quick to forgive, it all feels very new agey.

    For me, forgiveness has NOTHING to do with anyone else. Forgiveness is for YOU. So you can lift yourself up and find a higher, freer, better feeling way of living on this earth. It’s all your choice – misery or happiness. There’s nothing “mental” about it, except for the undoing of all our mental habits. Love, Rori



  417.  #417Rori Raye on September 8, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Syreena – I have no idea about the negative comments, either…love to hear your voice here – and looking forward to at least sharing my views on forgiveness, etc…with you. Love, Rori



  418.  #418Simply Goddess on September 8, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Oh Sirens, it’s been a long time.. aome may remember me and oh how I wish Id taken your advice long ago..
    I’ve just written a huge message and its disappeared..
    Ill keep it short then..
    My boyfriends still abusive 2 and a half years it’s been now, my relationships a mess.. I don’t want to play the victim as I know Im enabling him by sticking around and have to take some responsibility.. Here goes, shortened version..
    I’ve realised he’s a narcissist and Ive been going through emotional and mental abuse.
    He takes my money to find his drug habit and treats me awfully.. I love in hope he’ll become the man I get glimpses of but even the love and affection I used to at least get quite regularly is non existent.
    I found out I was pregnant recently.. he already has 2 kids by 2 women who hate him.. he doesnt see one of them..
    At first he was delighted “it’ll help him sort his head out” .. Since ..there’s been No communication apart from an outburst basically saying to “get rid” ..oh unless he’s had drugs and wants money, then he’s all for it again..
    He’s awful at times.. He ignored me all last week, i started a new job, hasnt asked how i am.. sent me alot of abuse on Friday.. Publically humiliated me on social media which is nothin new, deleted me and then later said ‘we could then talk’
    I’ve not even touched the tip of the iceberg my other message was alot deeper..
    I didn’t reply back Friday as I was too angry.. I’m determined to end it this time. I have a good job, I’m good looking and he’s withheld everything from me for 2 and a half years now while I’ve been trying and trying to make this relationship work..
    My friends and family detest him..
    Why am I now wondering if I should have text back Friday to say we can talk.. Even just to get closure? What do I do..

    SG x



  419.  #419Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I hear you Rori.

    I am not in a place to forgive certain people who have harmed me in the past yet.
    It is just not where I am at.

    I am not able to forgive my Father who molested me as he blames me and has not asked.
    For me yes he needs to ask and realise that is was wrong to molest his daughter. And until and if he gets to that point then I don’t want to forgive him.

    I understand you feel differently to me about this as do some others and I accept that.

    Fair enough.

    It is what it is



  420.  #420Simply Goddess on September 8, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    There’s so much more to it all.. I could write about it all day. The pregnancy and way he has gone even worse has made me strong enough to stay away for the longest time ever. I think we are split without either of us saying it. Is this why I feel I need the closure.
    I’m not sure what to do. Ignoring is best? Talking?
    I guess I’m here to know.. x



  421.  #421Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    Thank you Liquid Light. I feel heard and supported by you.



  422.  #422Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I never considered that this blog was new-agey and I certainly don’t consider myself to be new-agey. I just thought that RR had a different and very interesting perspective on male-female dynamics that I could learn from. To me, new-agey has negative connotations and it feels like a label that I’m not comfortable with.

    Anyway, RR, I’ll still keep reading and contributing to your blog if I’m allowed to! 🙂



  423.  #423Vi on September 8, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    To me foregiveness very often equals finding my anger and feeling it through.



  424.  #424Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Syreena: 🙂



  425.  #425Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    SG,

    I’m so sorry that you are in that awful situation with this abusive man. Please try to find the strength to leave this man, find a safe place, and not look back.

    Go to family or friends that will look out for you and take care of you in this time of need and vulnerability. You must protect your baby and be sure s/he is safe.

    (((((((((Simply Goddess))))))))))



  426.  #426Zia on September 8, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Syreena re forgiveness, what happens if a person has died, or moved away, and you’ve not seen them since they did whatever wrong thing it was?

    I am only asking because very recently I did a lot of forgiveness work around people who I realised I still held a lot of anger for but haven’t seen again. And for myself. It felt very freeing, and I was so surprised at how strong those negative feelings were after so many years.

    Everyone in this life is only doing the best they can with what they know. Some people honestly have no idea or ability to realise what they did was wrong. So I don’t understand why we would choose to hold on to such negative and horrible feelings when we can let them go and open those places up to love.



  427.  #428Zia on September 8, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex since I heard from him on the weekend. However, I’ve not been obsessive like I might have before.

    What I am doing different –
    I am not reaching out
    When my thoughts turn to him, I acknowledge them then gently and kindly return them to the present; I’ve had to go back to Rori’s super basic (but powerful!) tool of touching whatever it is near me and feeling it. It works!

    It feels good, to be in a place where I have a CHOICE about how I react/respond.

    This is a great lesson, thank you universe!



  428.  #429Zia on September 8, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Syreena – it’s absolutely ok for you to do feel what you do. The only person it effects is you.



  429.  #430Zia on September 8, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    It’s actually extremely rare for someone to come to a place on their own where they’d reach out to someone they had hurt in the past and express regret and/or ask for forgiveness.

    None of the people I felt had “wronged me” have done so. But I’ve been able to come to a place where I can see why things happened, and that for ME to move on and be open to better and more positive things was for me to let those acts go, and forgive them, and forgive myself for the negative feelings and thoughts I had about me in/because of those situations.

    And that process had zero effect on those people, and everything to do with me.



  430.  #431Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Zia, what happens if they have died, moved away eyc etc. Nothing, I just accept and take the experience with me and am more self aware and realistic about life. A survivor of a crime done against me. Do I forgive them no because they didn’t come and find me before they died and ask. Am I angry no. I feel sad and betrayed and will do my best to make others more aware that these things go on.

    If it feels best for you to forgive, then that is what feels best for you. It doesn’t feel best for me. If I saw remorse I would be able to forgive. For me I have to see that. It just is how it is for me.



  431.  #432Zia on September 8, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    Syreena – I feel sad reading that. But you’re right, it is what it is.



  432.  #433Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Simply Goddess I remember you. I feel sad that you are still in that relationship. If you are pregnant then this baby will kinda tie you to him for the long haul. I would ask myself do I want my child to be exactly like him? This baby and your health will now be the most important things in your life. It is best if your energy would be directed at taking care of both.



  433.  #434Melanie Murphy Myer on September 8, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    I feel deeply grateful for the work Rori is doing. It is so important and so needed.

    I wish it were possible for every woman to have one-on-one coaching with her.

    Thank you, Rori. <3



  434.  #435Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Syreena, I just read that link you posted. Very interesting.

    I have my own issues with forgiveness too. It does have that “to be spiritual and evolved we must forgive higher than though” feeling about it. But for me forgiveness can be hard sometimes. That’s just the way it is for me. I guess I’m not very evolved and that’s OK, we are where we are in our paths.

    I have a friend whom I’ve known for 6 or 7 years. She’s got a lot of great qualities that I love but she’s basically a very self centered and inconsiderate person. Over the years, she will inevitably do something that is v inconsiderate and selfish and I will get hurt. But inevitably I forgive her and we will become friends again. Recently however I’ve had no appetite for it as I know her selfishness will just resurface and I’ll feel hurt and betrayed again. So I’ve chosen to not be her friend anymore. I forgive her but I don’t want to be her friend. I dunno, though, maybe that’s not really forgiveness? Either way, I’m just not that evolved to put up with that BS anymore. To me, she’s not really being a friend and I don’t want to invest myself. But I think a more evolved person than I would be able to be friends with her.



  435.  #436Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Simply Goddess. Hugs.

    I wanted to ask if you come from a family where you were taught to tolerate a lot with little and minimul affection and love?

    Is so do you think you may be repeating this pattern?
    Have you anyone who can support you in deciding what is your best option?

    Such hard choices for you. Take care



  436.  #437Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Simply Goddess – Oh my. That sounds really awful. At least you know that he’s abusive, and you can see it. Like FW said, you and the baby are the most important thing now. You first, because if you aren’t taking care of you, then you can’t take care of the pregnancy either. And you have choices now. I won’t give you any advice, because I don’t want to. Just know that you are loved, and maybe not by this man, but surely by lots of people. A narcissist cannot love anyone but themselves. It is sad, and yes, very frustrating to love a person like this. And it’s even harder to extricate yourself from the situation, because you probably won’t find closure. But taking yourself out of it and moving on without looking back will give you the most opportunity to find the love that you most need and want. And that may end up coming from your child, or from somewhere else. But you get to be strong first. You already are strong. We’re with you.
    Tereana



  437.  #438Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Liquid Light to me if you have reached the point of no longer wanting to be friends with someone who it feels painful to be around that sounds highly evolved to me.

    It leaves space for new people to step into and for you to be friends with people who you feel happier around.



  438.  #439Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    It leaves space for new people to step into and for you to be friends with people who you feel happier around.

    Yeah, I like that, thanks!!! 🙂



  439.  #440Daria on September 8, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Syreena I hear you. I forgive so easily the instant someone shows remorse but I feel frustrated forgiving otherwise on issues much less traumatizing than yours…

    It would feel great to forgive because I get what Rori is saying it has nothing to do with the other person but rather ups my Own quality of life to do so. I actually worked on the Stanford Forgiveness Project data and a lot of the people had improvements with their own depression etc when they practiced forgiveness

    but for me I feel comfortable in the unyielding queen vision I have, and feel kinda turned off towards forgiveness when I feel safe and powerful in that way

    its like I see both ways but cant seem to actually access forgivness (yet) emotionally unless the other person initiates remorse. Then it feels shocking how easily I forgive

    I would like to feel that I have more power/choice over my forgiveness – and the benefits it would bring to me – than to depend on the other person. I don’t know how to get there and I feel turned off towards practicing ….

    I feel intrigued by what I’m writing here… thank you for being here and sharing and helping me grow…



  440.  #441Daria on September 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    reading what Liquid Light wrote I wonder if im not acutally missing setting a boundary by avoiding/thinking I can’t be forgiving on my own and also forgiving so easily and rather maybe even taking less care of myself otherwise

    i dont want to set myelf up to be abused

    i want to Get this forgiving thing I dont’ want to have it mixed up with allowing myself to be re-taken advantage of

    because I think i do have it that way

    that feels sad

    i feel so good when I Do forgive it feels safe and like love and in that I know its probably codependence way

    hmmmm

    I want to heal this

    thank u



  441.  #442Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Thank you for sharing that Daria. It feels intriging to explore this. And hear what it means to you and other
    Sirens.



  442.  #443Melanie Murphy Myer on September 8, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    For me, I think that forgiving means deciding to not take revenge of any kind. To not repay “evil for evil.”

    For me, it doesn’t have much to do with how I feel or whether or not I decide to still have contact with the person.

    It just means letting go of payback.

    And that seems fairly easy to me. I don’t want to hurt other people, even if they have hurt me.

    The only time it’s hard to forgive in this way is when I feel extremely upset, and temporarily lose control of my conscious decision-making.

    Fortunately, that doesn’t happen often these days.

    And it goes away when I calm down, and then I can forgive, because the desire of my heart is to forgive.



  443.  #444Zia on September 8, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Liquid Light – forgiveness is independent of whether you want her in your life or not. the idea that forgiveness means condoning what someone has done is i think the issue here. you don’t have to condone what they’ve done at all, you don’t have to have them in your life – you do what is best for you and that is what forgiveness is about 🙂



  444.  #445Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Sophie (409) – Thank you!!

    That was exactly what I needed. And after I wrote it all out, I felt the weight lifted, and I felt very clear, and I lost the urge to contact him completely.

    But I kind of did both. I walked around all day, and saw some things I wanted to see, and enjoyed myself.

    And then I got back to my place, and I got comfy, and ate something. Then I called to check on my flight. I had thought I was scheduled to leave very early in the morning. But it turns out it was set for much later. So all of a sudden, I had all this free time.

    And a window opened up for me. I was looking in the mirror, and I realized, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t afraid if he would ask me to see him, or if he didn’t. I wasn’t afraid of anything he would say. And I wasn’t tied to a result. I simply had this time and this opportunity. And also I congratulated myself on going through this whole weekend without contacting him.

    So I called.

    And he answered.

    And we had a little phone conversation. Not long. Maybe 5, 10 minutes max. He asked me how I was doing. I told him I was in his city. He didn’t make any movements to ask me out. It actually sounded like he had guests over at the time, so he probably couldn’t. I don’t think he was available. And he wasn’t forthcoming on the details, but I asked if it was because he had a girlfriend, and he said no. I feel satisfied with that. Meanwhile, I could have gone for a drink, but I feel perfectly happy staying in. I actually plan to go to bed and get up early.

    Before we ended the call, I decided to tell him, straight from my heart (if this can be from a heart, but it was on my mind today, anyway), that when I slept with him, I didn’t do it just because he offered me a place to stay. I didn’t feel pressured, or like I “had” to. It was because I wanted to, and I don’t regret it.

    There was a long pause on the line after that. And then he just said, “It was a good thing.”

    After we hung up the phone, I thought I felt as if my heart was closing up. Not on him, exactly. Or maybe on him. It just felt closing. I wondered if this is what “closure” feels like. And then I sat with that a bit. And I imagined my heart being tight, like a new bud. Not “closed,” just tight. Ready to open. And then I pictured this beautiful flower. And I let the new bud unfurl.

    That felt better.



  445.  #446Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    So, Sophie, I guess when I say I did “both,” I mean that I successfully refrained from texting him during the day, and during the weekend.

    But at the end of the day, I had extra time, and “rockstar” me made the call. Literally and figuratively. Rockstar me said, “f*%$ it. Screw the rules. I’ve got this extra time. I’m going for it.”

    And I’m glad I did. I don’t regret it, either. Because I DON’T feel bad that he didn’t ask me out. I feel a little relieved, actually. Because I didn’t want to have to go anywhere. Lol. And now, he has total freedom. And I don’t expect anything.

    Hey. I’m just happy that he answered the phone. That was probably the best outcome I could have asked for.

    So I’m happy.

    Yeah.

    And I just had a glass of wine.



  446.  #447Femininewoman on September 8, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Yayy you Tereana



  447.  #448Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    Meanwhile…BM (the beach man) contacted me two days in a row. Like I said, he’s the one who decided he wanted to “be with me” the evening after he met me. After our first date. I mean, we all know that men make up their minds quickly. They don’t wait around. If they’re “not sure” about you, it probably means that they really like you, which makes it harder for them to tell you that they don’t want to be with you, because they don’t even understand why themselves.

    Wow, that wasn’t what I was going for, but that sounds pretty true. I think that can happen for us sometimes, too.

    Men really do care about us. They don’t want to hurt our feelings. And sometimes they do anyway, in the process…

    But my point was, men don’t mess around. And in the same way, if they want you, they know it right away. This was the man who actually refused to sleep with me, on several occasions (often to the point of my annoyance. lol) expressly *because* he wanted to be with me. So he didn’t want it to be just a sexual thing. So even though we have made out, and it turns me on a LOT – we have not slept together. Though I know enough to know that if we did, it would be hot.

    What was my point again? Oh yeah. I’m getting distracted. Ahem…. Anyway, he’s not really my “type.” Meaning, he’s not Indian. Lol. But he isn’t American, either. So yeah, I guess he kind of fits the bill. But ooh, those Indian guys. I kind of just want a good excuse to wear a sari and eat Indian food…But hey. We can’t always choose everything. This guy…I could see him cherishing me. He already loves parts of my body that I feel self-conscious about. And he doesn’t know why. He just loves them. I believe that he’s still thinking about me. Two years. And he’s still thinking about me. I don’t know. I feel curious. He was a man that I kind of wanted to say “yes” to.

    CCB was just one of my distractions, it seems. I’m not feeling lots of love and attention and affection coming from him. I’m not feeling him cherishing me or feeling grateful for my existence. Great sex, yeah. But I feel more turned on when I know that someone is really loving me. And I felt that from him, I would feel more turned on. Hm, I guess that’s the thing that would really be coming from my heart.

    Oh well. I’m sad that he can’t love me. Because I like him. But I can’t change him, and I can’t make him want me any more than he does.

    I feel at peace with that.

    And wish me a smooth trip tomorrow…

    Merci beaucoup! 🙂



  448.  #449Tereana on September 8, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Thanks FW 🙂



  449.  #450Liquid Light on September 8, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Safe travels, Tereana! 🙂



  450.  #451Rori Raye on September 8, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Syreena, you are so not alone here, and I really want to be helpful in any way I can – forgiveness has nothing to do, for me, with making things “okay.” In other words, this isn’t about “absolving” him somehow. ((And, if it were me, I’m not sure when, if ever, I’d be ready to have any contact with him…that would seem self-cruel to me. I certainly wouldn’t want to hang out with my rapist (I saw him enough in the jailhouse line-up and in court, and felt so scared down to my core, I’m not even sure I was present at all…), or with the therapist who then convinced me that he loved me, could heal me, and enticed me into a fleeting sexual relationship, though I understand that family may feel different.)) It also seems to me that a person who’s capable of doing what he did to you would never be conscious or mentally healthy enough to understand much of anything about the “ethics” – or even the hurt – of the situation. I think even a basic understanding of “right and wrong” would not be clear.

    I think, if this were me, knowing what I know now, here’s where I’d start: Forgiving myself for any thought I think that causes me pain, for ever giving myself a hard time about any of this…Then give myself constant applause anytime I could be simply aware of my anger, rage, sadness, joy that it’s now in the past, the full scale of feelings triggered by these horrible events, about which you had NO CONTROL, nor any responsibility for at ALL!!!!!

    I know this is too short to give you my full range of love and hugs, and don’t want to be trite or simplistic in the face of such a painful experience…Just sending love and an idea or two…Love, Rori



  451.  #452Rori Raye on September 8, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Syreena, Certainly a great article and food for thought – it’s just not where I’m at re: “Cause and effect…” It just doesn’t work for me personally as well as my personal approach and philosophy (at least for now)…Love, Rori



  452.  #453Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Thank You for sharing so much Rori. And your kind words I am understanding more now what forgiviness means to you now. I feel extreme rage towards the rapist and therapist and deep sadness in my heart for you reading what you wrote. I feel murderous towards them. So maybe that is a start forgiving myself for feeling that way. Thank You.



  453.  #454Syreena on September 8, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    My experience was he said he knew it was wrong to me.
    But infront of others claimed he didn’t know and blamed me

    I believe he knew alright that it was wrong. I saw in his eyes he knew. No he doesn’t understand or believe the harm he has done though. Tells me he doesn’t believe how badly I feel about it. But he knew it was wrong. I think his ego is trying to protect him as if he realises the harm the extent of the pain will be excruiating.

    That’s my take on it.



  454.  #455Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    @Zia 368 It makes my life hard… and I know that.. I was venting my deepest pain… I’m working on it… I just realized it was there… another splinter… Thanks!!!<3 for asking me

    on a side note re: the topic of forgiveness:
    and yes I know forgiveness is FOR ME… I think I posted that… earlier… it doesn't do anything for the other person it doesn't let them off the hook, take their emotions away ( whatever they are quilt shame, etc) all it does it set me FREE…

    but my little girl inside wants to hang on to the hate… and I'm working on that and it could very well be the reason why I'm attracting the men I am… until I look at my father issues…

    RE: the posting 381? I haven't a clue I guess, I'm not suppose to know what all that was about.

    @Syreena {{{hugs}}]

    OXOXO



  455.  #456Melanie Murphy Myer on September 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    (((Syreena)))

    Rori, I love this: “Forgiving myself for any thought I think that causes me pain, for ever giving myself a hard time about any of this…Then give myself constant applause anytime I could be simply aware of my anger, rage, sadness, joy that it’s now in the past, the full scale of feelings triggered by these horrible events, about which you had NO CONTROL, nor any responsibility for at ALL!!!!!” (RR)

    That’s really helpful to me too. Thank you.



  456.  #457Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    @MMMyer I’m sure you are right about that and I agree, I sure wish it also…. <3 {{[ hugs}}}



  457.  #458Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    @Tereana Safe and wonderful travels to you! <3



  458.  #459Lisa on September 8, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    I’m feeling proud of me… for not going into nurturer mode with “R” on Friday night.. and how for two dates he kept talking to me about how abusive his parents and Dad was.. and how I felt about that… being so early in our dating..

    how that might have been a trap for me in the past.. I could feel me wanting to have emapthy and say oh I’m so sorry and really just let him talk and vent.. but something stopped me… and I didn’t go there…

    I’m not wanting to be involved with wounded men… at least not in a way where I’m there therapist/ girlfriend….

    I feel for him, but at the same time, I want to break this habit of getting emotionally involved with men that are very wounded… and want me to fix them….

    With “M” I had so much compassion and was so patient, and hindsight I realize I might should have walked away or leaned way back to see if he would take care of it on his own… I think the more I coddle them the more they don’t feel like dealing with it…

    This time it turned me off… and didn’t draw me in…

    and by the way “R” had a girlfriend that did die from cancer…

    Not my job to fix them… that is their job.. I’m learning…

    OXOXO



  459.  #460Zia on September 8, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Sending love to everyone here 🙂



  460.  #461Veronica on September 8, 2013 at 11:50 pm

    Sophie- I’m happy for you that you had a weekend of being cherished. I feel god when women are well-loved and cherished.



  461.  #462Veronica on September 8, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    *good



  462.  #463Veronica on September 8, 2013 at 11:54 pm

    Indigo – 413 – Beautiful kindness.



  463.  #464Zia on September 8, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    Staying on my bridge…..



  464.  #465Veronica on September 9, 2013 at 12:10 am

    I’m wanting to explore forgiveness here too for myself.

    Forgiveness of people who should no longer be in my life and who are no longer in my life, then yes it’s for me and liberating my fullness as a person from being consumed by one situation or many situations of non-love. It’s for me to say ‘that’s what was done to me but it’s not who I am’. It is not a negation or denial of what happened. It is allowing a fullness of me and a fullness of life to now be active in my daily living. And that feels like justice.

    Forgiveness of the person who wishes to remain in my life or by circumstance is in my life (though the latter I would try to avoid as much as possible). I question whether the person deeply understands that unforgiveness significantly diminishes the chances of intimacy growing between us. And from that, whether the relationship has that much value for them if by unforgiveness the worth of one person has been defined as less than the other’s. And then it becomes about justice to me and doing justice to the relationship.

    This is what feeling initially about this, I’ve not had extreme situations in my life, and situations do matter when forgiveness is involved.

    Thank you to the sirens for the chance to explore this.



  465.  #466Zia on September 9, 2013 at 12:17 am

    lisa 458 – that is so awesome of you to be so aware of it this time around 🙂 we cannot change something until we’re aware of it xxx



  466.  #467Sophie on September 9, 2013 at 2:51 am

    Thank you Indigo and Veronica

    Indigo I felt a warm hug in my heart for you when I heard about D – I feel happy that there is another man who is there for you right now – it sounds like he was deliciously caring this weekend

    Tereana – yay! I feel happy that you made the right decision for you – I am cheering for you 🙂 and all of us

    Lisa – great 🙂

    I feel fascinated by the topic on forgiveness – it’s something I have thought about over my life because I wanted it – I felt twisted up and shut down by the things that I couldn’t forgive and I didn’t want to feel like that – I didn’t want to feel so rageful either and I would read about when people said to forgive and I just couldn’t do it – I would pray for the willingness and still I couldn’t do it for me forgiveness has been a process of working through all my pain and anger and then I haven’t really needed to forgive because it’s just not held the power over me it once did…it is past…it has taken years

    But also I have got tangled up in the ideas of how to forgive someone and still keep myself safe…maybe for me that comes down to I have worked through my feelings so my triggers around you are not so huge but I don’t forget my boundaries must be strong around you

    Huge love to those of you who have suffered sexual violations I have not been in that position so cannot speak for how that must be…

    But in relation to any abuse and betrayals I have experienced I wanted forgiveness because I witnessed those who had been able to achieve it for themselves and they looked at peace. I didn’t want my experiences to harden me against life. I wanted to learn how to soften no matter what. That was part of my fight; part of my I won’t let you/this beat me…



  467.  #468Daria on September 9, 2013 at 5:03 am

    so excited i found teh supplements io wanted… im healing… AND

    the US Open Tennis Women’s final is on replay so i can see yay 🙂



  468.  #469Lisa on September 9, 2013 at 5:43 am

    @Sophie Yes! and after I’ve forgiven before, I realized that there was nothing to forgive…

    Thanks! <3



  469.  #470Femininewoman on September 9, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Sophie may I make a suggestion about forgiveness? It is something I heard someone teach and choose to practice. Even if the person is dead, speak out their name out loud and say “I forgive you for ……………”

    The person doesn’t have to be in front of you. What I have found is that it releases stuck energy on the inside of me and allow my insides to feel more free, relaxed and flowy.

    Initially I thought it was a silly idea but decided to try it any way. I am happy I did.



  470.  #471Femininewoman on September 9, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Emerson

    My daughter is now in Rennes, France. She started school today. I am now getting email requests for stuff in French.



  471.  #472Sophie on September 9, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Hi FW 🙂

    Yes absolutely FW thank you I agree – I do most of my conscious forgiving energetically without the person there – gently letting go – I also find visualisations really helpful – imagining cutting cords that bind us and freeing myself from their energy

    I haven’t tried saying it out loud…



  472.  #473Lisa on September 9, 2013 at 6:46 am

    I’m feeling good today! Good that I’m finally getting more of what Rori says about really digging into my life as it is, and focusing on IT and no man…

    I’m doing The Work on what am I losing in life by these thoughts/ beliefs and I sobbed yesterday b/c of what I have lost and am losing by focusing on Men!!!

    I’m really getting what Rori says about no mistakes and that sooner or later one will stick. I don’t need to say it perfect…

    I’m also not feeling as if “assuming trust” is always the best decision for me… I’m finding that listening to my intuition is and needs to be first and foremost. I think that when I feel a trigger it is best to stop! wait! and listen to me first… and then decide if I need to assume trust with him or me… b/c I don’t know if assume trust really might mean me… trust me… to know what feels safe, right, and good…

    For me listening to those dings in my gut when things are happening, and not to sugar coat them.

    Like when a man tells me he rarely drinks and maybe not even 3 times a week… and yet he seems to drink everyday we are together… hummm actions speak louder than words… it isn’t about not trusting him, it is about just being open to the truth… being in a neutral zone of curiosity and then accepting what I find.

    When someone tells me he will wait on sex and then talks about it all night and tells me he had to put his hands in his pockets during our hike to fix it! I’m wondering why he felt the need to tell me that? We were talking about something way off into NO sex land.. why bring it up.. why tell me repeatedly that he wants to do things to me. Even mention tying me up… on the second date… these things just feel so weird to me.. on the first date telling me “I’m a very sexual man” while we are talking about politics… out of the blue… I say Ok… and your telling me this now b/c ?

    I think again the signs were there and I’m getting better at asking about them, noticing them, and listening to ME… and what subtle things he might be telling me…

    I’m just not going to go there… The first few dates should be fun, getting to know each other and being curious… not talking about how sexual he is, tying me up, or adjusting his erections…

    Blugh… enough of that!!!

    I’m wanting a man that can and does want to get to know me for a few dates without sex being the innuendos of a covert remark thrown in… or grabbing my butt and saying you have a nice ass you know…

    Because the chivalrous acts and fine restaurants can’t and don’t excuse the other behaviors…

    Just talking to myself now….

    OXOXO

    @Zia I’m so happy your Cd’s are working good for you….