When Are You Actually “Ready” To Meet Mr. Right? Now!

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2014-10-15 08.35.16The Question:

“Rori, If a woman doesn’t completely love herself, care for herself, feel happy in herself and secure in herself first, then won’t she keep attracting men who mirror that.

If we do the inner work first, then wouldn’t we attract a more emotionally loving man?

I guess my question is, can I still be doing the inner work and attract the perfect man who loves me, will commit and care for me despite my vulnerability and lack of perfection?

Thanks Rori. I’m a big fan of your work (especially love when you interview people and record their wisdom) and have been studying the tools for some years now.

Love, Taria

My Answer:

Taria – I think your question is awesome and covers SO much!

This is what I see: We are all a work in progress.

It’s not about meeting a man who is “fully finished” when we are “fully finished” – it’s about meeting a “Life Partner” who is a willing and enthusiastic partner for the journey – where you can go down the road and into the woods together.

It is also, for me, not possible to simply “do the inner work.”

The inner work has to be done out THERE, in the real world, while you trigger your old reactions, become more aware of them, and work through them with the assistance of every experience and every human being you meet.

This is the role of Circular Dating in our individual life therapy.

The Tools ARE all “Inner Work” – with a framework for doing the inner work SIMULTANEOUSLY with the “outer work.”

This way – you get immediate feedback, and move WAY faster!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Zia on December 8, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Love this 🙂 We will attract the right people for where we are in our lives, and some may stick around and some may not, that’s all part of the journey.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 8, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    What is the perfect man anyway?

  3.  #3Dominique on December 8, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    The perfect man is the one who is perfect FOR YOU, imperfections, idiosyncrasies, flaws along with all the yummy good stuff.


  4.  #4Sophie on December 8, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    “The inner work has to be done out THERE, in the real world, while you trigger your old reactions, become more aware of them, and work through them with the assistance of every experience and every human being you meet.”

    I like this, goes for everything – any spiritual practice or healing doesn’t just stop at the end of a meditation or therapy session – it’s a gradual integration and awareness as you go about your days and a slow and gradual change I guess- sometimes big epiphany type ones too. But the changing that’s always happening is often so subtle I don’t notice it but it’s happening nonetheless. I am not the same woman, who operates in the same ways as I was one, five, ten years ago yet I still have many of those deepest triggers that feel impossible to shift, or that come up time and time again.

    I noticed today when I went out for a walk (feeling better”emotions are funny things”) that unlike in Thailand where I felt completely at ease around the men as there was no hint of predatory behaviour I don’t feel that here. There is more looking and cat-calling and that kind of thing and I was walking amidst men and I immediately ‘toughened up’. As in head up, chin jutted, shoulders back, perfect non-expression looking straight ahead with a hint of ‘don’t take me on’. I felt sad that we live in a world where we have to ‘toughen up’ our vibe sometimes to protect ourselves.

    I don’t always toughen up sometimes I’ll just say hello or smile sweetly but sometimes you just have to have a barrier – it isn’t always safe to be open, however, strong you are on the inside. Is this an example maybe of putting on a boy hat? So in some situations (including one’s like those we use our masculine energy) and then reserve our feminine for when it feels safe to do so..

    If any one feels curious (and understands what I’m trying to explain!) it would feel good to hear your thoughts


  5.  #5Indigo on December 8, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Sophie 4,

    I really, really, really hear you with this.

    I live in a country which, as much as I love it, it is not the safest in the world, in fact it is one of the more dangerous. There is that predatory feeling whenever I venture out, where you can be blank stared at when you are in the shops, or brushed against. Even when I am walking out in my neighbourhood which is relatively safe and quiet, I often feel eyes on me. It is not a pleasant kind of attention, it makes me want to close in like an anemone, and adopt the body language that you talked about – just that little bit closed off, braced, self-protective. I wrote on here about how my family was held up in their house a few years ago, and it has affected my ability to feel safe. I simply cannot be safely soft and feminine and open when I’m out by myself, and I like to be by myself.

    I noticed how different it was when I was in Ireland. I went everywhere by myself, walked the streets endlessly every day, and I felt safe. Even though the whole place was bustling with people, no one was intrusive in any way. It made me feel much more soft and open and expansive. I am a strong woman, and that’s how I like to be, but I don’t want to use my strength to ward off predatory behaviour. I too find it sad that probably in so many countries in the world women are pushed into this position. It is a major factor that has caused me to consider moving from where I currently live.

    But I agree with you. No matter how strong you are it is not always safe to put your beautiful open soft on the outside feminine self on display out in the world. I would love it if it was the case, but I have learned to put a carapace of caution around me because of where I live. Not just because of the safety, but also because it feels so icky to be looked at as an object.

  6.  #6Kyla on December 8, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    I like this. The inner work for me is awareness; where I am stuck in old patterns and defensive stances, where I’m instigating problems, where my perspective is holding me back etc. And this is the hardest part for me still. My daughter just turned 13 and she is moody, impatient and rude a lot of the time and her attitude can really suck. Oh and now I am slowly, painfully slowly, opening my eyes and starting to see where she is mirroring (and amplifying!) my own sucky attitude at times. I am literally becoming aware of the parts of me I dislike the most in her. The parts I am completely oblivious too. Self awareness is bottomless and its quite humbling. The real work is putting the awareness into action. So I’m going back to Rori basics and relearning the 4 rules and practicing and breathing and clearing my head and practicing again at the next opportunity. I am not failing or going backwards, I am going deeper into a new layer that I was not at all aware of before.

  7.  #7Zia on December 8, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    Sophie #4 – I disagree with you here. It is when we are most open and vulnerable, non-judgemental, is when we are most aware. And when we’re living from awareness we can more easily detect what feels good and what feels bad – and follow what feels good and disregard what feels bad. When we put those walls up we cut off our awareness, and that’s when we may not see things as clearly.

  8.  #8Zia on December 8, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    ^ and this was one of the most important lessons I have learned over the past year.

  9.  #9Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 12:38 am

    Hi Zia,

    I’m not sure, perhaps we are on the same page. I am very open and aware – attuned perhaps – some energies are safe and some are predatory and unsafe. I guess that’s what I meant by sometimes I feel the need to take a different stance than I do at other times especially when just walking around.

    I’m quite accustomed to reading energy – the city I come from requires a certain level of ‘street’ awareness and I used to work with a lot of drug-addicted (and often) dangerous men.

    I would love if you could explain more for me Zia? I feel really interested in your point of view, but I’m not sure I understood it correctly.

    Indigo – yes, I hear you, that’s exactly what I mean – some places it is possible to just relax back (others perhaps not quite so much)

    I just got a jet ski ride with a man who attempted to get me to show him my lady parts in the middle of the sea…I knew the risks and probably assessed them more or less accurately and no harm came from it but that wouldn’t happen everywhere…

  10.  #10Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 12:42 am

    as in, that kind of behaviour from a man wouldn’t happen everywhere …

  11.  #11Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 12:47 am

    I guess I’m just feeling very aware of the cultural differences and the energies from men. Like you say about Ireland, Indigo, Thailand was the same. I was so aware that I could just relax back – there was not a hint of uncomfortable, unboundaried energy from the men. It may have been the first time in my life I’d truly experienced it and it felt so blissfully free.

  12.  #12sweet goddess on December 9, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Sophie and Indigo!

    Bang on, really! Reading both your posts made me feel like my soulsisters saw through me and penned these posts on my behalf.
    I also live in an area where I literally “toughen up” and give the vibe of “don´t mess with up” because its the only way I get to feel safe. I don´t want to be approached and my body language says that. The kind of men who live around this area (we have many prostitute streets around us!) – they still come to me and poke at me and say bonjour and it feels annoying. In the beginning I almost felt threatened for my physical safety but now I slowly realize- They can´t do anything. If I make a fuss and scream and call the police – they will probably run for their lives.

    In fact once a man stalked me and followed me all the way down to my place and asked me what my price was? I felt so afraid, my insides cringed and my judgement of myself returned – DO i look like a prostitute for him to ask me that? I came home and cried. A lot. I later shared it with my husband too.
    But the next day, I decided to step out again.

    I realized – my mind is perceiving the situation much more intensely because of the ingrained fear I carry within me from my country of origin where women are REALLY not safe. However, here, where I currently live, men are just being men I guess- a lower version of themselves but still – they do not have the capacity to harm me.

    I need to unlearn my fear. I see it. I see so many other pretty women who walk on the same road and if a man approached them that way, they would simply ask him to bugger off and not give it a second thought. This lightness of energy and not getting into self-doubt or perceived threat mode is something that really inspires me and I hope to get there one day—-just by being aware, moment to moment.

  13.  #13Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 2:17 am

    ((((Sweet Goddess))) thank you for sharing your story. I feel happy for you that you’re working through what are your perceptions of danger and how you have begun a transition to feel more comfortable in your surroundings.

    I feel a bit worried that I opened up a contentious issue and one that may feel triggering for some – I really don’t want to cause distress. I guess my curiosity was around the fact that sometimes we really don’t want to be an open invitation and how we navigate that.

  14.  #14Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 2:24 am

    Kyla – I love this – It must be such an amazing learning (about yourself) experience having children.

  15.  #15Victoria on December 9, 2014 at 2:48 am

    I think we need to be aware of what is culturally and socially acceptable in the particular region/country/city and act accordingly. But even if we do, there would be an occasional idiot to make us feel threatened/vulnerable.
    I went jogging the other day, on my way back there was this ugly fat guy who stopped me in the street (naive me thought he would be asking for directions) and he offered to give me a massage and pay me for that. Or may be he offered that he gives massage if I would like to pay? I did not stay long enough to hear the details, either way it was not appropriate.
    But since you are travelling now (lucky you!) you are bound to experience the cultural differences, and it is very fascinating! And you are so brave to be travelling to these exoctic places on your own!

  16.  #16sweet goddess on December 9, 2014 at 2:49 am


    You started nothing contentious 🙂 Yes, there are times when we don´t want to be an open invitation and its totally ok if we do it with awareness and based on our intuition.

    Love x

  17.  #17Victoria on December 9, 2014 at 2:55 am

    I very much likes Rori’s post above.
    I think we are always ready to date, even if we feel we need to work on ouselves one way or another. We are all work in progress, and so is the other person, no need to wait to heal/lose weight/resolve whatever issue we have.
    That is, we need to work on our issues, but life does not stop and wait for us, and I think we women are brilliant at doing more than one thing at a time.

  18.  #18Indigo on December 9, 2014 at 3:01 am


    I do not think you started anything contentious, in fact it is such a relief to know that other women feel the same way.

    I do definitely think there are times when we want to keep this precious gift of open, soft femininity to ourselves, because it is powerful and we do not want to lay ourselves open to anything undesirable or unsafe. Here I’m talking about using our boy energy to “protect” ourselves.

  19.  #19Sophie on December 9, 2014 at 3:47 am

    Thank you ladies 🙂

    Victoria I agree it’s very important to be aware of the cultural differences. I think it’s, as Indigo says, not just threat of aggressive danger but not wanting to be treated like a sexual object. The experience of NOT having that in Thailand made me feel acutely aware of how desensitised I’d become to that being part of the norm, and then to be in an environment where that was the norm again, was like ugh disappointed feeling. And sad for women feeling.

    I like your story – I’ve done that too – many times unwittingly gone to be helpful only to find it was a ruse ha ha – silly men 🙂

    I like Rori’s post too – there is no perfect end point, only now

  20.  #20Labbit on December 9, 2014 at 6:21 am

    This post is so great! I agree, it’s really about getting out in the world and seeing how you are in every situation, without judgement. That was the toughest part for me — I’d practice and think about it all day long and be so sure I was ready, and then go out and talk to people and find that I was just as nervous as ever! And making the same mistakes.

    There is no such thing as perfection…I love that. I feel light, no pressure or even gravity holding me down. I feel the sun shining down on me and warming me up.

    It’s been through putting myself out there and allowing myself to get close to men, and making mistakes, and learning from those mistakes, and not punishing myself, and not letting myself suffer when something doesn’t go as I’d like, learning how to move towards what feels good and away from what feels bad, from learning how to accept it when a man is not compatible with me without making something be ‘wrong’ be with me, and letting myself see a situation objectively, and learning what ’emotions’ and energy I’m putting out into the world and what the emotions I’m really feeling underneath are…it sounds like a lot of work but it really hasn’t been work at all. It’s been LIVING. And the more I let myself live and be me, the better things get. 🙂

    TenderCD and I close on our new apartment in 59 days. We won’t move in right away; the place needs a ton of work first. Still, I cannot wait to see where this journey takes us!!!

  21.  #21Victoria on December 9, 2014 at 7:56 am

    After some serious consideration, I decided not to turn down any of my dates for today. So I moved F. to a lunch date instead of a dinner date, and with B., I agreed to keep the evening date because that was already planned and I did not feel good cancelling on him. As Rori says, first come, first served.
    The lunch date with F. was nice, I am so tremendously attracted to him, I can basically eat him alive…
    But he has not reached out to take me off the market yet, and I am not that sure I want to be off the market anyhow. The truth is, I really like dating. Damn it, he probably does too.
    Anyhow, B has been stepping up lately (I almost never talk about him here because I just have very mediocre chemistry with him). He is taking me to the fanciest new restaurant in town today. And before that he is doing something else that is important for me, he offered himself, and I am starting to reconsider his place in my rotation.
    The leaningback from F. had helped me see things much clearer. Yes, I do not have sizzling chemistry with B., but he is still better than average, never makes me feel insecure and seems willing to step up faster.
    So we will see.

  22.  #22Dominique on December 9, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I want to share with you an expansion on this – my thoughts and feelings which I wrote about a couple of years ago.

    I also want you all to know that though I don’t comment much lately, I read every single post here and follow all of your stories. You all inspire me and have me in awe, working through your stuff so beautifully. Which is why I don’t feel the need to chime in so much.

    Love to you all.



  23.  #23Indigo on December 9, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Hi Dominique!

    I have to agree, I just love the energy on the blog of late, and I love coming here recently because of all the wonderful ways the sirens here, including myself, are learning and growing and reaching new heights.

    I just wanted to share two things here this evening: Firstly, being without Facebook is feeling so awesome. I am making time for all these little constructive, feel good things which bring me into the present moment, even if it’s just painting my nails or going and petting my horse. Secondly, I read Tatia Dee’s free report on reconnecting your feminine power and it’s so wonderful. D texted me (again) this evening, and whereas before I would have rushed to respond, now I feel inspired, to breathe, lean back, ask myself what I’m feeling, and take my time instead.

  24.  #24Labbit on December 9, 2014 at 10:54 am

    21 Victoria — Yay you! I am glad you kept your dates intact without switching things around for F. It feels strong, not to mention super alluring! Go Siren. I also admire how open you can keep your mind about the men in your life…it’s hard for me not to play favorites. I’m inspired by you!

    Dominique + Indigo — I so agree. SO AGREE. It’s because of Siren Island that I’ve gotten braver, more willing to go out into the world and CD. And CD’ing in turn has helped me in ways that go beyond dating. I feel more in love with myself and not just with men, it’s at work and with friends and family too.

    Plus in CD’ing I’m learning things about men. Seeing how they act, what makes them tick, when to use words versus actions, so much more. I can play with my comfort zone — which for me has mostly been about discovering my boundaries and learning to stand my ground, versus overfunctioning like I used to.

    There have been periods where there have been lots of men coming at me, and periods of no men at all. I recently had a very interesting experience…a man started chatting me up online. He wanted to meet up but I wanted to get to know him a bit more first, so we decided to do a phone call. That went well but then his tone changed…he started trying to get me to agree to hang-out dates or booty calls. Part of me wanted to give in because he’s very handsome with a hot voice. I found myself scared to lose him a weird way.

    I was able to muster up some courage, and decided to play around with playful but straightforward communication. When he asked me out on a hang out date, I simply responded that I would rather do dinner or drinks, and was he up for that? A little bit of a challenge, in a friendly way. I figured he’d drop off the face of the Earth but instead he just said, “Yeah OK that’s fair, let’s do dinner!” So we did! And during the date he told me that most women don’t challenge him like that, and he really liked that I made it clear I was worth more than just a hang-out date. He thought it was really hot. And it never felt masculine, I just told him what I wanted and being a gentleman he stepped up to give it to me! I kept my focus on me and what I wanted and got amazing results. I felt so feminine and sexy. Even if he’d said no I would have dodged a bullet, no harm no foul.

    There have been times where practice has blown up in my face too. There was a guy I liked a lot, we had a great first date. But I got…I don’t know, cocky maybe? I made him wait a really long time for our second date (because I wanted him to think I was busy). He waited until the last minute to plan it which wasn’t the best, and then he made four suggestions for our next date, none of which sounded interesting to me. So I thought I did well in suggesting something else which he agreed to but he never picked up the ball in terms of planning the date. The day of our date he wanted to meet at a time 30 minutes before the place we agreed to go closed. Boo! My communication was pretty stern with him…probably too motherly…and he ended up fading away. But I learned a few really valuable lessons, about communication and when I was crossing a line from being centered on myself to too harsh.

    These are the kinds of things I learn through CD’ing, and practicing with men I don’t know or maybe am not super interested in gives me the strength to feel confident with all men, all people really.

  25.  #25Andrea on December 9, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Leaning back, leaning back, and falling steadily more in love with myself…. not to meet and get a man, but because I’m so absolutely wonderfully lovely and worthy of being in love with myself. I’ve been glowing. Just glowing lately.

    Last night I was working out vigorously and got a text from RRguy. I haven’t heard from him in at least a week or more. Hmmm. He just said, “I’m thinking about you and want to know how your day is going.”

    During my break I texted him back. “I’m working out. Day is great. You may call me at (such and such time) if you want to talk.”

    And.. about a half hour after the appointed time, he called. And I had one of the best conversations with a man that I believe I have ever had.

    First of all, he told me that he really missed me, that it seemed like I was backing away, needing some space, so he has really tried hard to give me that space and not contact me. But he misses me.

    And I practiced the making sounds, I listened, I didn’t speak very much. I didn’t really have much to speak about. I just relished the sound of his voice. And I opened up my heart and heard him. He told me about his knee, needing surgery, worrying about his body, putting everything else first.. his kids, his job, and feeling like he’s falling apart.

    He told me that lately he’s been realizing that he justifies his laziness and disconnect with life because his job does keep him so busy and hectic with odd hours. But that he is trying to stop making excuses and start making connections again.

    Then he asked about me.. alot about me. And I got to feel…. asked about. I got to feel someone being curious about me. I got to feel someone really caring what I was going through.

    I got to tell him about how I’ve been taking extra care of myself with tenderness and compassion. How I went to the Dr. and got a clean slate, how I feel a type of starting over in a new pristine way.

    Then he asked me: “Is part of your starting over, part of your clearing your energy, is part of that including me? Are you telling me that you need me to be out of your life?”

    And then I got to tell him everything that I wanted to say about how I feel such joy when he contacts me, how I feel extremely turned on by him on so many levels. And, how I realize that even though all of that feels good, it doesn’t feel great anymore.

    I got to tell him that I want to be seriously in love with someone. I want to be a with a man who is as excited as I am about having a true partner, a team mate, a committment. I got to tell him that I want marriage with someone, life together with someone, the whole shebang. That I don’t know who that person is yet, but I feel as though it’s coming.

    I got to tell him that now that I know exactly what I want, I would feel a betrayal of myself if I were to stay sexually connected to someone who isn’t that man. I would feel a betrayal to what I really want if I were to accept anything less.

    And I feel wonderful when he calls me, but I want to be setting my energy and my focus toward the type of relationship that I really really want now.

    He started rambling about a whole bunch of things all at once. He told me, “I do understand you one thousand percent. Man.. I totally get you. I think you and I are so connected on so many different levels. I just…. ”

    Then he stopped and he said. “Oh my gosh.. I just have so many things going through my head right now that I want to say. I just can’t say them all. I want you to know that I admire you so much and that you deserve all that. You deserve so much.”

    Then he was quiet and he said, “I want to tell you something. I have heard everything you said. I know you. You know how well I know you. I heard you. And I want you to know that I am going to start acting as though I have heard you.”

    (Now… I have no clue what he means by that. Part of me thinks that he is telling me that he’s hearing that I need him to back out of my life. That he’s realizing that he is not the one who can fulfill that for me and so he’s going to bow out and stop contacting me.)

    I feel kind of good about not knowing. I’m still the same person. I just feel that for the first time in ever… I got to be my true, honest, authentic self and speak my actual honest feelings to a man and he heard me. And that feels wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

    And I love the realization that RRguy might not be my ONE, but if he isn’t that just means that the next man I feel this connection with will be that much better, the connection will be that much deeper. It’s RRguy or someone better. Hah!

  26.  #26IamHis on December 9, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    I feel so happy for you, Andrea! 🙂

    I feel unsure of what to do. One of my best friend’s moved away, which made our friendship difficult, but we still kept in constant contact.

    Once she started dating her husband, she completely stopped talking to me. I know that can be expected with some people, but usually after the “honeymoon” stage of dating or marriage or whatever, my other friend’s have woken up from the “love spell” and realized their need for their old girlfriends.

    My friend contacted me for my birthday and I feel…sad and kind of angry. but also surprised and happy and just…I don’t know…confused? I miss her. She lives far away, but we used to have the kind of relationship where we would text all our random thoughts to each other during our breaks and just observe and laugh about life in general.

    She was NOT herself when I flew in for her wedding back in April. Barely acknowledged me when she saw me after not seeing me for MONTHS. Seemed withdrawn and very depressed and her fiance now husband was just super clingy with her.

    We bridesmaids were so worried about her that we all told her in the best way we knew how.

    I stayed up all night with her trying to talk and reason with her. When I told her she didn’t have to marry him right then, but could wait, I think that MAJORLY triggered her and she saw me as a threat to her marriage the next day, or her salvation from her current single life of living at home with her verbally abusive father and compliant mother.

    I talked to her future husband and the groomsmen about it. Felt a little bit better, but still worried about her.

    They went through with the wedding.

    I desperately need a feeling message for my friend! I don’t even know what to say, and I feel scared of pushing her further away, or her misunderstanding what I’m trying to say…

    She is extremely sensitive, one of the most sensitive people I know, but that’s kind of what I love most about her…

  27.  #27Victoria on December 10, 2014 at 12:13 am

    Dear Andrea,
    I really loved your story. You are a writer. You write beautifully, I get to feel all your emotions when I read what you wrote. I also get to feel what I think he felt. Now how strange is that?
    If I am in his shoes, I would stop calling you and try to fix my own life. If he truely admires you (and we have no reason to believe differently) he will try to follow your example, focus on himself, try to fix himself first. And then he might call you again when he thinks he is in a better place with himself.

  28.  #28Millie on December 10, 2014 at 12:24 am

    Andrea that feels so great to read! I share in your enthusiasm of having such an amazingly real and connected conversation with a man! I love when those happen…

    I’ve always had a hard time with the ebb and flow of relationships. The rise and fall of heightened extremes, feeling my heart overwhelmed with joy, feeling connected and trusting the man I’m talking with, to feeling unsure, insecure, to feel my mind scrambling for reasons I feel suddenly abandoned and alone. Am I? I panic. I panic and lean forward or twist my brain and heart in knots of unreason to justify something! I see that I do that. And I want to not do that. I want to be OK in the ebbs and flows. I want to feel I am still commander of my boat regards of the current. I want to free my mind of deranged thoughts and assumptions. But I want whoever my man is, to be there. Maybe because of my unsuccessful past, I feel alone and abandoned the minute a man who I like, who has been showering me, suddenly stops. Maybe it’s just for a couple days, but I notice, the faucet of attention stops. And if I like him, I panic. I want to push him away, I want to sabotage everything. I don’t want to feel one minute of inconsistency. Why is that? Why do I want the faucet on all the time? Why do I need it on? I don’t want to be attached to the faucet.

  29.  #29Victoria on December 10, 2014 at 12:34 am

    @ IamHIS

    Your feeling message is already in your post if you replace her with you:

    ” I don’t even know what to say you, and I feel scared of pushing you further away, or you misunderstanding what I’m trying to say…
    You are extremely sensitive, one of the most sensitive people I know, and that’s kind of what I love most about you”

  30.  #30Victoria on December 10, 2014 at 12:45 am

    my own recap on last might.
    Went out with B. Nice restaurant, nice food, boring companion. I was thinking most of the time how good it would be to go there with F. The restaurant is way out of his price range… I will have to trick him there and find a reason to make it my treat for him. And that would be leaning forward. And I shall not do it.
    I would rather go to McDonalds with F than to the fanciest restaurant with B. Nothing beats crazy chemistry. I would rather be starving, but with F.
    Now how stupid and unreasonable is that.
    I have to bring my lazy a*s to the gym tonight and see the potential 3rd CD, and have some heavy working out like Andrea did, goor things come to those who work out 🙂

  31.  #31Indigo on December 10, 2014 at 1:17 am


    I’m not sure if I’m understanding your post correctly but I see some of who I used to be in what you’ve said. When I used to feel that “alone” or “abandoned” feeling I thought it was a sign of me not doing the work properly or being unevolved or whatever. But what I realised when reading Tatia Dee’s report, is that when you are doing this work, you get to EXPERIENCE those feelings. Instead of leaning forward to do something to resolve them, you simply feel them, and then you re-direct that doing energy to doing something for yourself which makes you feel good. But feeling them is a good thing.

    This was a relief to me, because I thought that when I reached a certain point in this work, all those shaky or abandoned feelings would evaporate. No. You get to feel them, love them, integrate them and take care of yourself, and then they quiet down much faster.

  32.  #32April Rose on December 10, 2014 at 5:42 am

    Hello dear sirens.

    I don’t comment much these days, but I am reading and keeping up with your wonderful sharing.

    Is anybody able to answer me in brief or direct me to one of Rori’s programs that talks about being a high degree of difficulty?
    And, what does that mean to you?

  33.  #33Andrea on December 10, 2014 at 6:04 am

    The ebb and flow and what seem to be heightened extremes.. I so know what you mean Millie. Those gremlin voices that come creeping out when we are feeling abandoned and alone.

    Dominque’s most recent article on her Sex and Heart website speaks so succinctly to that. It’s so funny, I just read it last night. I was thinking the same thing as Indigo, I do feel that is the way I used to be…

    Dominque talks about how those voices never really stop, it’s just that as we grow we learn how to feel them, love them, have them, and put them to bed. And it gets easier.

    I think of all the ways I used to hop into a new relationship, or the hope of a new relationship, and abandon myself. Abandon my dreams, plans, daughters etc.. in order to be available to him “just in case”.

    I feel I shifted a little bit at least, to where I’m making strides in my commitment to myself and that seems to make a world of difference when those gremlin voices come knocking.

    Like, “he’s not giving me the kind of attention I want, or the relationship I want because there is something wrong with me.”

    Then I have to pause and say… “Huh?” That’s really not true. And I can’t know why He is the way He is. But I do know that I am the best me that I’ve ever been. And I’m learning how to give myself all the love and attention that I really need.

  34.  #34Andrea on December 10, 2014 at 6:10 am

    Oh my goodness Victoria. I so understand what you mean about feeling bbbooooorrrriiiiiinggggg when with a date. Ugh.

    I was fantasizing that the next time I’m in a situation like that I want to just say, “I feel so bored. I feel so turned off when I’m bored.” And then see what my date does.

    What sucks is that what I really do in situations like that is drink too much. And then regret it later. Stuff or drink my true feelings away and then ignore the man until he leaves me alone. It’s horrible I know. But that’s how I’ve handled it in the past.

  35.  #35Victoria on December 10, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Afrer my latest tipsy overfunctioning episode, I have forbidden myself to drink. So, I drank nothing last night, but I ate too much. I ate too much at the dinner, and when I went home, I ate a whole dark chocolate and 5-6 chocolate buscuits. Despair! I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible reflux.
    I desperately need to get myself to the gym and get the extra calories and negative thoughts out of my system, out, out.

  36.  #36Andrea on December 10, 2014 at 7:13 am

    I know. I know. That was me on Sunday. I had a date with a man I’ve been seeing off and on. I think it’s just me now. I’m just not as excited by mediocre as I used to be.
    I was soooo bored as he prattled on about.. I don’t know what. He flirted with the bartender, he is closer to her in age than to me anyway.. and he bought drinks for another lady at the bar. While I sat there and drank.. three glasses of wine.

    Ugh. Then he made comments about my boobs which he usually does which I have always put up with. And when he dropped me off at home I just thought… “What in the world? Why do I put up with that? What did I ever see in that guy?”

    And now, he will call me again sometime and I’ll ignore his calls till he gives up. ick. But at least I won’t be going out with again. He has been a regular date of mine for six years now, but he travels alot and we only have contact when he comes through my city.

    (same pattern with a lot of the men I date…. hmmmmm)

    Why do I do that? I feel so done with it, so bored with it, so….. yesterday!!!

    And yeah! Let’s get ourselves to the gym and leave it all on the asphalt.. or the treadmill in my case. I got a pocket of time this afternoon that just opened up for me so I’ll be at the gym around noon today. Woot! Woot!!! : )

  37.  #37Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 7:22 am

    Andrea 25 — WOW. I love every bit of your post! It’s so interesting to me how leaning back, to the point of almost forgetting about a man, really does rubberband him right back to you. It’s been strange learning all these new ways to behave…almost like a new language. Your story totally drives it home…men that are interested in us move forward when we give them to space to. I’m intrigued to see where this all goes for you.

    IamHis 26 — Reading this I feel confused. Are you looking to re-establish your friendship? If you are I wouldn’t mention anything about the wedding or her husband. I understand that you are concerned about her…but she may have felt like it was controlling energy and backed away from that. You care so you tried to help her, but to her it may not have come across that way. If you were happy to hear from her I’d focus on that and talk about life and catch up, and not bring up her hubs or the past at all.

    Millie 28 — Adding to what Indigo said, every woman feels this way. It’s funny, it’s like some big secret that no one ever seems to discuss, but we ALL panic when a man withdraws or seems distracted. I recently asked a couple of my girlfriends who have always had it easy with men (at least they have from my perspective). I asked them how it was that they never got nervous or anxious with their men. And they just laughed and said, “Are you kidding? I’d go out of my mind sometimes!!”

    So like Indigo says, it’s about realizing that these feelings are totally normal, have nothing to do with you or your past or your perception of your success or non-success. It’s about accepting these feelings, not punishing or judging yourself for having them, and learning to cope with them by feeling them and then turning away from them and towards something that feels better.

    There is nothing wrong with you. I’d encourage you to stop looking at yourself this way, in all roads of your life. 🙂 I’m sure that you’re quite lovely.

  38.  #38Sophie on December 10, 2014 at 7:24 am

    labbitt – I love the wisdoms that you and the way that your relationship is progressing. I wanted to share my appreciation.

    victoria – I think it’s so cool that you didn’t shift the times and you stuck with the Rori rules.that shows discipline and commitment to self and I feel admiration. And that you’re prepared to give boring man a go – maybe `i need to experiment with that route but by resistance is high … I know there are non-boring good men…that’s not helpful is it?! Perhaps he will end up being surprisingly non-boring…that would feel good.

    Andrea – your posts are always great – so much wisdom and actually doing what Rori’s post says being out in the world,practicing, staying aware…Changing and learning to put yourself first. I so need some of this…maybe I am getting there bit by bit. My self-care pees me off – I do my best but tend to get pulled back into destructive behaviours – always fighting them – it feels hard

    Millie – me too – I do know I can feel safe with the right man when he ebbs and flows – I don’t know if this is correct or what but yes, working on loving and being with our own securities and self-soothing and trusting and being aware of the NV’s and all that is always a work in progress – I also wonder though, if there is the right man, than a level of security is reached where these feelings aren’t so acute….just my thoughts if anyone else has any…?

    iamhis – I agree with Victoria that your feeling messages are there in your post. I’d use “I feel…sad and kind of angry. but also surprised and happy and just…I don’t know…confused? I miss you and feel afraid of pushing you away because I mentioned I felt worried about you” And then something about what you’d like? To know she’s well, she’s happy, she’ll keep in touch?

  39.  #39Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 7:35 am

    April Rose 32 — Hmm, perhaps Targeting Mr. Right? Or Reconnect Your Relationship?

    Being a high degree of difficulty is a concept that’s only started to come together concretely for me in the last couple of months. (And it just so happens to correspond to a lot of positive movement forward with TenderCD, hmm, how about that?)

    For me it was about finding an explanation that made sense to me. Once I got that, I was able to read about it in different places and understand the whole shebang better.

    So I like to think of ‘high degree of difficulty’ as being a Prize Catch. To me, being a Prize Catch means that I primarily concern myself with my own life and happiness. I make sure I earn enough to be independent. I make sure I exercise, eat well, sleep well. I make sure there is balance in my life — I don’t want to be obsessed with work, or family strife, or a man. I keep to a care routine that showers me with love (yummy smelling soaps and shampoo, regular manicures/pedis and hair appts, etc). And when I feel off-balance, I take responsibility for that feeling and change things up in my life to bring in a new, positive energy. This could be as simple as changing the nail color at my next mani/pedi. It doesn’t have to be extreme. I have my own goals too — even something simple like, ‘I will go grocery shopping today!’ When I accomplish a goal, I reward myself. I treat myself the way I want my partner to treat me.

    And then in regards to relationships, being a Prize Catch means I don’t assume I’m special. Meaning, I don’t try to ‘win’ a man by being sexier, or more successful, or a better cook, or a better anything than any other woman. I know that as a Prize Catch a man will pursue me if he’s interested, and my only job is to be good company and decide whether he’s a good fit for me or not. I don’t assume anything. I don’t assume that just because we’re dating he wants me to be his girlfriend. I don’t assume that just because we had sex he loves me. I don’t assume that just because he says he wants a relationship, he wants it with me.

    I just lean back and see what his ACTIONS say. I don’t listen to his words as much, and to be honest I don’t speak much either. (Hard to believe with my verbose posts, I know. :)) I see if how he treats me makes me feel good or bad. I never chase him. I live my life, I make sure that I keep my routine intact even if it means saying no to a date, because otherwise I’d fall off-balance and become needy. I’m never in a rush to respond to him or reach out to him, unless of course it’s an emergency, i.e. he’s in the hospital. I never wait on him, I make plans and keep going down my bridge.

    It all comes down to, I never force my way in with a man. If he wants me he has to catch me. And I’m going to make that hunt fun, exciting, and not too easy. Not as a game — though it is fun! It’s just my life and any worthy man is going to want to be part of it!

  40.  #40Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 7:38 am

    PS there’s a great book I just read called “Why Men Love Bitches.” Bitch meaning Babe in Total Control of Herself. 🙂 If you want some tips on how to be a high degree of difficulty I’d recommend it. However, you need to use your own internal compass while reading it too, because I believe there’s some stuff in the book that doesn’t line up with what Rori encourages — and I tend to fall on Rori’s side in regards to my behavior and conducting myself in a feminine-energy manner.

  41.  #41Sophie on December 10, 2014 at 7:39 am

    AprilRose _ I really like Modern Siren too – it just helps you feel so femininely wonderful that the high degree of difficultly feels quite natural for me

  42.  #42Sophie on December 10, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Love this Labbitt: I just lean back and see what his ACTIONS say. I don’t listen to his words as much, and to be honest I don’t speak much either. (Hard to believe with my verbose posts, I know. :)) I see if how he treats me makes me feel good or bad. I never chase him. I live my life, I make sure that I keep my routine intact even if it means saying no to a date, because otherwise I’d fall off-balance and become needy. I’m never in a rush to respond to him or reach out to him, unless of course it’s an emergency, i.e. he’s in the hospital. I never wait on him, I make plans and keep going down my bridge.

    I want to experiment with the not talking so much and observing his actions

  43.  #43Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 8:00 am

    April Rose — one more thing, where I used to go wrong was that I would stop living my life when a man I liked came along. My routine would get destroyed. I would stop doing things I enjoyed, like going to the gym or meeting up with friends or going to a book club meetup until I heard from him. I didn’t even notice I was doing these things, but it was like in my mind I’d be thinking, “Well, I could go out shopping today, but maybe xCD will text me, so I’d better hang out for a bit just in case!” And then before I knew it I had nothing going on. Which led to a lot of free time to think. Which led to a lot of time thinking about HIM. Which led to me wondering where he was, to me getting upset, crash, burn.

    It is still very hard for me at times to put myself first. If TenderCD says “let’s get together on Friday evening” I have to forcefully make myself have plans ready to go if I haven’t heard finalized plans from him by Wednesday. If I hear from him after Weds, no dice on the date. I tell him I have other plans. In this way, he learns that my time is valuable and though it’s hard to miss out on a chance seeing him, this way I have plenty of things in my own life going on to keep me feeling fulfilled OUTSIDE of my relationship. Or if he asks for a date on a night when I have something regularly planned, I say no unless it’s a big deal (i.e. his boss is having a party and wants to meet me). Again, it’s just about communicating through my actions that my time is valuable, I have other things going on, and my world isn’t centered on my man. This actually makes him feel relieved — he doesn’t feel pressured to be with me or nurture me all the time.

    I do believe this changes a little once you’re married, but I am quickly learning that in successful marriages this is how the woman is. Dedicated, loyal, loving, but has her own life and always has the man chasing her, just a bit. 🙂

  44.  #44Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Sophie — 🙂 Thanks Siren!

  45.  #45Indigo on December 10, 2014 at 8:48 am


    I loved every word of your post 39. Every single word. That is exactly where I am going when it comes to my life and men.

    I do find sometimes the dynamic of it is a little different when you’re very introverted/sensitive. Obviously I love doing social stuff, like spending time with friends or family, but I can’t do it nearly as often as someone who is more outgoing. So I have to devise lots of things to do by myself – in addition to self-care and grooming, reading and movies, spending time with my horse, taking walks… finding things to do by myself. It’s not difficult, just different. Yet I’ve realized I really have to prioritise these things, because they are part of what makes up me, and part of what says I have a full and valuable life that I love. When you really get this, it makes it much easier to allow men to prove themselves and win you over.

  46.  #46Kyla on December 10, 2014 at 9:33 am

    April Rose – High degree of difficulty is in Targeting Mr Right (and I think also Commitment Blueprint?). I was nodding along to what Labbit wrote 🙂
    For me, high degree of difficulty is not accepting crumbs, not overfunctioning and not getting caught in imaginary relationships or girlfriend traps without the commitment we truly want. Its having a full life of our own and not dropping our plans when he calls. Its saying through my actions that I love me, I take good care of me, I enjoy the company of people who treat me well and I have enough inner confidence and self esteem to not settle for less than. I found balancing a high degree of difficulty with staying soft on the outside, warm and open quite tricky until I found my sense of humour again and started to lighten up. So instead of feeling annoyed and offended when a man thinks last minute plans are ok with me, I learned to smile, say thank you, share how happy I was to be invited, yet I feel disappointed I already have plans. I am free after work Wednesday and Thursday this week. And then just leave it alone, if he wants to meet again he knows he needs to plan in advance but that I am open to his invitations. I am not available on a whim but I am soft, warm and open to invitation.

  47.  #47April Rose on December 10, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Thank you so much! Labbit I feel warm and inspired and at him in my own heart, reading what you wrote. Wonderful.

    Kyla, thank you for the reminder to be a warm invitation.

    Sophie, I was going to listen to Modern Siren again anyway!

    Labbit, this spoke to me especially
    “…And then in regards to relationships, being a Prize Catch means I don’t assume I’m special. Meaning, I don’t try to ‘win’ a man by being sexier, or more successful, or a better cook, or a better anything than any other woman. I know that as a Prize Catch a man will pursue me if he’s interested, and my only job is to be good company and decide whether he’s a good fit for me or not.”

    I LOVE IT! I’m not special. I’m a woman and I’m me. THERE IS NO PRESSURE ON ME TO BE SPECIAL!!!!!! HURRAY!!!

    (Capital letters signify eureka moment! Hahaha! I feel delighted)

  48.  #48April Rose on December 10, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Oops. I meant ‘at peace’, not ‘at him’.

  49.  #49Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    45 Indigo — Yes, I can see how the dynamic would be a little different for introverts. I’m more outgoing and social…I like being around people. 🙂 But I totally have periods where I can best recharge by being home, by myself, in my cocoon. At those times I love drinking a glass of wine, curling up with a good book or music playlist, and cuddling with my dog. Or maybe cleaning my apartment, that always feels therapeutic.

    It’s cool to me that there is no one right way, you know? I agree that it’s easy to overextend yourself so learning when to rest and recharge is important. I’ve definitely been guilty of pushing too hard at times.

  50.  #50Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    47 April Rose — LOL, yes! I spent a couple of years, maybe longer, trying to make myself look a certain way or act a certain way or learn certain skills that I thought would make more attractive to men. It’s a weird approval thing that’s been taught to many women, by our culture and sometimes our families. I was sent to finishing school as a teenager because I was ‘too tomboyish’. I still have the fear of god in me about walking wrong, or standing wrong, even sitting wrong sometimes.

    It’s been so nice to discover that simply by accepting me as I am, men not only do the same but they also feel more comfortable around me because I’m comfortable in my skin. And it doesn’t mean loving myself all the time…a couple of weeks ago I was feeling very pudgy after over-indulging in Thanksgiving goodies AND my face had broken out something awful (thanks chocolate). I felt angry at myself for going overboard but my vibe has settled into a place of calm, serene, acceptance so even on those days when I felt bad I still had lots of delicious CD practice interactions.

    It’s so nice to know that we don’t have to perform magic acts to capture a man. We don’t need to capture him at all! They all come towards us and we get to pick which one fits us best.

  51.  #51Mistea1 on December 10, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    Ooh, still getting dark energy thrown my way. Feel it’s my fault but intellectually, logically it is not. People are where they are and who they are. I can’t change that. Still feel bad though. Must be one of those nights, it’s dark and cold here.

  52.  #52Dixie on December 10, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    Sirens, I need some scripting advice….

    D. and I were supposed to meet tonight; at 4, he said he would be done about 5 at work. Well, he never showed. Not even a text! I cooked dinner for myself, had a glass of wine, spoke with a friend on the phone for a long catch up. Of course, this triggered me in a HUGE way… All sorts of angry, disappointed, hurt and insecure feelings came rushing forward but I just took care of me.

    Anyhow, he left a message at 8:30 while I was on the phone. He says he’s hugely sorry, got pulled into two meetings back to back, only finished at 8 and had to now drive to his 8:45 game. He said that I probably hate him, that even if I don’t believe it he really wanted to see me, and he’s really sorry. And that he will call after his game.

    I’m half minded to just not say anything. Obviously I understand, but I just feel angry, disappointed and sad. I was looking forward to spending time with him, but with 2 cancelled dates in a row, lm feeling confused and unsure.

    I’m always understanding and accommodating, but i feel like a doormat that way. I’m feeling anger and frustration and sadness and doubtful now.

    When he calls, I’m afraid my siren muscles will slack and I’ll be accomodating instead of speaking how I feel – confused, sad and angry.


  53.  #53Dixie on December 10, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Oops, didn’t mean to type “advice” twice! That looks so pushy, lol.

  54.  #54Labbit on December 10, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Dixie — Aww, that sucks. Two cancelled dates in a row isn’t fun at all…it’s good to hear that you cooked yourself a nice dinner! I’m not sure how long you and D have been dating…is it a long time? I’m guessing this might be kinda new?

    If your relationship is on the newer side, I wouldn’t say anything. In the beginning it’s all about leaning back and watching his behavior, observing to determine whether he’s worth your time or not. If he is worth your time, you show him your interest. If he’s not treating you well then you simply back away. You don’t really have a claim on his time at this point. He did call to apologize and that’s a gentleman move on his part. Feeling angry is completely normal but if you guys are simply dating at this point saying anything to him right now will feel like you’re a girl tugging at his shirtsleeve. I would simply back away instead.

    So it’s like a dance. He’s pulling back right now and you should pull back too. Maybe when he calls or texts you don’t respond for 24 hours. And when you do you keep it cool and light — don’t tell him it’s alright, in fact I’d probably tell him that he missed out. Something like, “I had such a hot dress picked out for our date last night. Too bad you didn’t get to see me in it.”

    If you do want to share a feeling message with him I think the time would be the next date. After you guys have spent some facetime together you could say something like, “I’m feeling so great with you here right now, and I’m having so much fun tonight! I don’t feel good when our dates get cancelled at the last minute…it makes me feel unsure and uncomfortable. What do you think?” Leave it up to him to solve.

    I’m not sure if you are CD’ing or how you feel about it, but CD’ing is GREAT for times like these. Because if a man cancels at the last minute or doesn’t show up, he’s not the only guy occupying space in your mind. So you have the option to either see another CD or at least be able to see that there are other men moving towards you; a constant reminder of sorts of what good treatment is supposed to feel like. That may help you decide which men are worth your time and which ones are not.

  55.  #55Turquoise on December 10, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Hi sirens, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays! I’m going to read the comments on this post and look for old friends. I hope all is well. Xoxo

  56.  #56lovetodance on December 10, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    riffing away on a rainy nite

    life has been so syncronistically challenging

    learning a neighbor i love has been given a very very very BAD diagnosis

    my postlady going into a very delicate surgery tomorrow

    and a very close wonderful man….the partner of one of my best friends…a massive heart-attack yesterday morning in critical care

    all this in the last 48 hours

    and i at work today, right after learning about my friend’s heart attack…

    living in fairly large suburban area….work part time at a spa….and lo and behold of the thousands of people in this area….

    a cd that i had a very brief encounter with….is in the reception room as i begin to enter it….i see him ….he does not see me…and wow was i triggered….

    i turned like a scared rabbit running for cover….which actually was the best way to take care of myself…..so many feelings of rejection and fear came up….and yet i was the one to turn him down for the evening….

    i needed to slow things waayyyyy down but gave him my card and he never called….

    just so many emotionally triggering events in such a short amount of time…

    whats the message….?

    maybe life it too short to not love oneself unconditionally in the face of ALL and everything?….maybe….

    putting it into perspective…life and death perspective…whats feelings of rejections compared to now you’re here and now you’re not?

    and would i rather hang out in a story of rejection? or seize the moment[s] of life that are so fragile and real and beautiful….the moments that make up my life….

    how do i WANT to write my story?

  57.  #57Indigo on December 10, 2014 at 9:04 pm


    Tatia Dee talks about this exact scenario in her Reconnect your feminine power report, and I think the way she suggests to handle it is great.

    Always have a back-up plan. So, if he was supposed to pick you up at 6, and he hasn’t showed by then, you proceed with your back-up plan. When you speak to him, you say “Oh I felt disappointed not to see you at 6, but it felt so good to see my friend (or whatever else you did).

    In addition, like Labbit mentioned, I would just use this as an opportunity to observe his behavior. Two cancelled dates early on in my opinion is a big deal, and I’d probably start backing away from a guy like this. You don’t want to “blame” him, but I also think you need to be loyal to yourself, and that feeling of being a “doormat” I think is your inner self reminding you not to put yourself in situations that feel good. So, the next time an opportunity for a date with him arises, tell him what would feel good.

  58.  #58Indigo on December 10, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    * situations that don’t feel good

  59.  #59Millie on December 10, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Indigo 31– It’s really good to hear that. That it’s not me, it’s how I experience me…and the fact that I am feeling. Thank you…it makes a lot of sense.

    Andrea 33– Amazingly well said…and illustrated. As much as this process is about expressing our feelings, it also about learning to “handle” them, handle isn’t really a good word….I mean learn to be with them and choose to dwell or not. Thank you for the reminder of having a commitment to myself. I feel that I have been committed to me, but I’ve also been closing out what I feel is not what I want, and leaves me feeling very alone. Not such a bad thing, but solitude can encourage the gremlin maze.

    Labbit–you are so sweet 🙂 It’s such a comfort to know I’m not alone, and every woman, no matter how sirenly and awesome, feels this way sometimes.

    Sophie 38–Actually, I was pondering the same thing! I wonder, if feeling this way is actually an indicator that the man in question is not giving me the relationship I want, and therefore is not the right man. Would the right man do what it takes to make me feel secure at all times? This is sticky….because I think it comes down to expressing what you want. If you have been seeing someone for a long time, and he still makes you feel abandoned a lot, then communication may be at fault. I think it’s a struggle in the beginning, when you are first getting to know someone and don’t know who are they are yet…Its tempting to take things personally. I think, he could be mr. right, if I told him how I felt and he changed how he acted, or treated me, or communicated with me in order to prevent those feelings from happening. But on the other hand, its MY feelings around a situation. I am in charge of MY feelings. Not him. And I choose whether to roll and dwell in them, or move on….

  60.  #60Millie on December 10, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I want to CD more, but at the same time, I feel fed up and annoyed. I like my routine and I don’t want some stupid guy thinking he can waltz in and break it because he’s so special. I know, I’m cynical, but my time REALLY is so valuable to me. I don’t know where to find men I’d actually WANT to date. Especially because I really like being at home. I don’t want to go out to bars much anymore, I like waking up early to go riding, visiting my parents. I’m so over online dating, giving that one too many tries. Maybe it’s ok…to not date anyone. To have no prospects. sigh, I don’t know anymore.

  61.  #61Mistea1 on December 11, 2014 at 3:51 am

    Well, what to say. I’m feeling lighter but barren in a way.

    I had a dream similar to the one I had at the beginning of all this. MusicTd and I were morphing at once separate and together in a sphere of light behind a heavily barricaded door of a fortress. We were preparing to open the door and face the damaging onslaught we could hear outside. The door opened, the landscape was quiet and barren and we were blown away as so much dust from the force created by opening the door.

    Millie, I hear your comments about dating right now. I tried the online stuff but the quality is near zero. I need to concentrate on my writing. Right now it is hard. I want to have a comforting arm around my shoulder.

    Is there a time to mourn these quasi-relationships? I will now have to reconcile seeing him as he will with me frequently over the coming years. Aah well.

  62.  #62Victoria on December 11, 2014 at 5:15 am

    Millie and Mistea,
    I have not tried online dating because I do not have the time/attitude to be screening through many men online. But I do my best to go out a lot, to all sorts of events, and to be super super friendly and super flurtatious and to be meeting new people all the time. This is useful for me professionally anyhow, and also gives my boy energy something to do. Even with that great effort I have only 2.5 CDs (the half one is the guy from my gym and that one is a miracle in the making, i.e. has not really begun yet, or may be it is a disaster waiting to happen, hehe, I am in a funny mood today).
    Anyhow, I wanted to make a point about “I don’t want some stupid guy thinking etc…”. Actually, I want two-three more guys, stupid or not, in order to have more fun and more stories to share here.
    I envy all those of you who like to stay home, visit with their parents (that gives me creeps, but hey, they are my parents and your are probably cool folks), cuddle with a good book (no way), clean the house… I just want male company. Nothing beats male company. I am addicted to men. Here, I said it.
    I am a bit ashamed, and very relived, and this is my feeling message for today.

  63.  #63Indigo on December 11, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Victoria 62,

    “I envy all those of you who like to stay home, visit with their parents (that gives me creeps, but hey, they are my parents and your are probably cool folks), cuddle with a good book (no way), clean the house… I just want male company.”

    I find that so funny, because there are certainly times I envy people like you, who are more outgoing and energetic. Although, that was more in the past. In recent years I have become much more loving and accepting of who I am. The more I adopt this stance, the more I find to love about the way that I am. Anyway, I think it’s important, whatever we’re like, to embrace our natural tendencies and preferences, because then I think we attract and align with the life that is right for us. I like being on my own, and close relationships, so I tend to attract people who are drawn to that for whatever reason.

    You love male company. Embrace that! There is nothing wrong with that. Just give yourself permission to go all out with what makes you happy 🙂

  64.  #64Femininewoman on December 11, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Hey Turquoise. It feels really pleasant to see your name

  65.  #65Millie on December 11, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Wow thanks for calling me creepy Victoria! Haha! Well to each their own I guess. I didn’t mean to call men stupid. I was just venting about how when I express what’s important to me, some guys want me to choose spending time with them over that.

  66.  #66Victoria on December 11, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I apologize, it was probably bad choice of words on my part, I totally did not mean to call you creepy. I hate visiting my parents, I do it as a duty, but it would never choose to visit them over a date. I wish it was different and I genuinely envy people who take pleasure in the things I listed.
    I am very sorry if I offended you.

  67.  #67Mandy on December 11, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Ugh… time to riff even though I feel so defiant and like a kid and not wanting to do anything but pout and be angry…I hope no one minds. I do hope someone reads and responds though, even if it is just a hug. I’ve been feeling a little oddly lonely.
    I feel so thankful for this blog, all the time, but right now especially for some reason.

    On top of J suddenly having excruciating back pain and just being laid flat out lately, I have an issue with J where it’s winter, in Tucson AZ, and it gets to be about 79 degrees at the highest, and yes I know that’s an ideal temperature, but I have a health condition where I have hot flashes, get too warm, then my Tourette’s Syndrome tics come out full-fledged…and the feeling of them in indescribable, it literally hurts on the inside of my body to have a tic. And once they start, they don’t stop, they just get worse and worse, until I have to break down and take a benzodiazapene (Xanax, which is like Valium) which I cannot stand, because they make me so loopy I can’t function correctly, and I never remember anything that happened when I was on it. So, I sometimes have to turn to AC down to 75 degrees, just to prevent tics from coming on and it works for me very well. My mother said that is not unreasonable in the least.

    Long story short, J is pissed because he wants it a 77 degrees at the lowest during winter to save money, since he thinks he’s paying the electricity bill, which he is not, my parents are.

    I am pissed because he isn’t thinking of my needs and he is desperately trying to control something as petty as the air conditioning when he has absolutely no right to do, as he’s not even on the lease or paying the electricity. I understand he may be having issues over having control over SOMETHING in his life as he’s dealing with back pain and financial issues, but this is the wrong thing to try to dominate…it won’t work with me.

    We just had an argument about it before he walked away without a word to go to work. Thing is, he brought it up, not me.

    I feel so angry that he would try to be controlling of something, and try to get his way, when it leads to me being nothing short of physically and mentally miserable. I spoke with my mother and she said she was just going to take his power of it away by paying the bill herself so I don’t have to go through this shit with him. I can’t expect everyone to understand my conditions, they are bizarre, but I at least would like my man to understand…I’m actually tearing up as I write because I’ve dealt with so many hard situations of no one understanding these health conditions which make me do bizarre things, like make alarming jerky movements, vocalize (sounding like a barking animal) and have to be cool all the time…brings up old feelings of feeling like a freak of nature and like I’m the only one who deals with it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to dog on J here, I’m just letting it all out…all these swirling past emotions swirling with the current emotions, trying to explain the situation, etc…

    He complains about not having enough money because he buys a $13 case of those specialty beers, and that’s where all his money is going, and I feel his priorities are completely jacked up at the moment, except I can’t tell him this, he needs to figure it out for himself…I can’t tell him he can’t be buying it because we can’t afford it. Maybe I can negotiate, but I need to watch the Love Scripts part about negotiating money again because it has slipped my memory as these things sometimes do.

    So…I feel angry as hell. I just want to grab him and shake him and tell him to stop being a cheap-ass and a controlling little dictator. But obviously I won’t do that. I just want to say, I feel unheard, I feel my needs are being ignored in place of money, or I don’t like it when money becomes more important than my comfort. I feel like those still sound awkward or blaming, but I’m trying as hard as I can to come up with some words that aren’t offensive. I need to pop in love Scripts it seems.

    It was helping our sex life so much to go to the strip club and go out with our friends but now that’s not happening so I guess it’s back to the old drawing board. I doubt it helps that my mom told him she’s on the lease so technically this is her apartment too, so she expects it to be at a certain standard, without all these glass bottles he likes to collect and stuff and clean. That may actually kill MY passion. There are so many things that throw him off and I can’t control them. I just want to let go and see my female Circular Date.

    He now feels weird watching porn in this apartment and I think that’s why and I’m just thinking, I can’t win can I?

    We were doing so well when he was full time employed and going out to do stuff. if I could get it back to where it was that’d be great, but I know i have to love my journey even if there are bumps…

    Anyway, love to the Sirens, and I hope your holiday season is going very well and feels very warm with lots of yummy hot beverages and making treats for the holidays and seeing people you love…Thanks for letting me spout, I needed it…

  68.  #68Labbit on December 11, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Mandy — Sending you lots of ***hugs***. Just want to send my love and support your way.

  69.  #69Mandy on December 11, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Labbit, thank you sweetheart, it means a whole lot right now, it really does. Too bad we can’t give support hugs in person but it’s the thought that counts. 🙂

    I wish we could all go out to coffee and tea with Rori included, that would be so cool, what a pleasant thought 🙂

  70.  #70Dixie on December 11, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Indigo and Labbit – thank you so much for that guidance. Honestly, sometimes it feels so good just to be “heard”.

    Labbit, D and I are not a new thing, but we are in a starting-again phase, which is why this feels icky. We used to be so incredibly close, thick as thieves, the saying goes, but this year there was a strange pullback from him and we broke up after 2 years. It felt awful and painful. Now we’ve reconnected, he “says” he loves me so much, and I know that his career has taken off in spades and I’m really happy for that. Still you are right – last night felt pretty crappy. Feeling “left behind” or “second-best” is a deep trigger from my previous marriage. The old me would have rushed in to D. last night to be understanding, but I didn’t. The funny thing is that when he says he will call after a game, normally he does. Last night, he didn’t, which felt actually off. I’m tempted to ask if everything is alright, but I’m sitting on my hands on this one. Something just feels weird.

    Indigo, the funny thing is that the phone call with friend was actually long-distance and a pre-planned thing -thank god for that! I really do have tender feelings for him, but I think you are both right. I’m just going to take a big step back. If his feelings match his words, then his actions will match his feelings, I suppose.

    As for CDing, I get sooo close, but then back away, like a little fish. I don’t know why. I guess on some level I’m afraid to open up again.

  71.  #71Dixie on December 11, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I keep saying this, but honestly, all you women are a tremendous support. This board feels like such an incredibly safe place to process out loud, and share feelings without feeling judged. I’m so grateful just to have this space 🙂

  72.  #72Lotus on December 11, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    I feel inspired and lifted reading posts tonight – soaking in the wisdom and warmth from the lovely expressive women here. Really loved your siren voices – Andrea 25 and Labbit 39

    I feel blown away by your inner strength Andrea! You come across so calm and centred, beautifully articulating your truth with so much love for yourself. I bet RR guy was in awe with your calm confidence. 🙂

    I’m in a strange place. I allowed myself to feel blue for days after seeing DP and let myself sink, and rebooted myself so I could be productive again, turning energy inwards, being in my boy energy and loving it, but then I’ve just been feeling so angry. Angry at myself for letting the girl out, I was the girl who tugged on DP’s sleeve Labbit! I felt angry and annoyed, and he called me on it. NO WONDER he hasn’t contacted me since Friday. Even though I used a feeling message ‘I feel angry and annoyed..’ it just all came out wrong. I feel sad and angry with myself for losing my cool. Oh well, I can’t undo what happened. DP has probably ran for the hills. I’ve managed not to text him yet I still stupidly hope for his text when my phone pings. I feel tempted to send a flirty text ‘You looked cute in your Christmas jumper by the way ;)’ but just writing that now makes me feel so lame like some stupid schoolgirl. Besides it’s not even the truth… leaning forward just feels kinda bewildering and exhausting, occupying so much mental energy.

    Labbit – I am curious to see what happens by speaking less with a man on a date, how does he get to know us if we don’t offer information? I’m curious to know if a guy has commented on the quietness, and what you’ve said? Perhaps I could say ‘I feel quiet.. I’m just soaking up the atmosphere’ hmm food for thought for a coffee date tomorrow.

  73.  #73Dixie on December 11, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Lotus – I feel like jumping up and hugging you!

    “I was the girl who tugged on DP’s sleeve Labbit! … NO WONDER he hasn’t contacted me since Friday. Even though I used a feeling message ‘I feel angry and annoyed..’ it just all came out wrong. I feel sad and angry with myself for losing my cool. Oh well, I can’t undo what happened. DP has probably ran for the hills. I’ve managed not to text him yet I still stupidly hope for his text when my phone pings…leaning forward just feels kinda bewildering and exhausting.|

    I’m smiling only because of how universal this feeling is and I totally, completely feel you on this. I’m having such a great dinner here, and trust me that I’m raising my glass to you, just for being you.

  74.  #74Dixie on December 11, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Last post for the evening because I’m in a talky mood and I’m definitely not leaning forward to D,

    I had a strange dream the other night, and even though it makes me feel a bit shy, I’m going to share it.

    I was fast asleep, just so peaceful, in a deep sleep. In my dream, I felt lucid and awake though, as if I was just closing my eyes. I felt a presence in the room, a male presence (this is not a scary story, hold on) and it was so incredibly real and comforting. I honestly felt the bed gently sink beside me, as if someone was sitting there. Then I felt the bed shift, and felt someone walk around the bed to my side, I heard paper crumpling, and then he walked over to the opposite side of the bed again, but this time, lay beside me and held me. It was the most incredible and serene feeling in the world. Then he pulled me in closer and I nestled in. I remember asking (in my head) if it was D, because I was unsure. It felt like D, but regardless, it felt safe and soft and just… perfect. Then he leaned in, kissed me on the forehead and whispered “Not yet, not now.” And then he got up slowly and left.

    I brought myself to awaken slowly, first checking my body position, then slowly opening my eyes because it felt so real. Of course, it was a dream, but part of me, the part that believes in angels and other happy things, would like to take that night as a very happy harbinger of things to come.

  75.  #75Lotus on December 11, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Aw Dixie, hugs back! Thank youuuuuu!
    The funny thing is that he didn’t rush off when he could have, and got the last train home and he texted me after from the train, and replied to my text the next day… which I omitted in my post, just no plans of a next meet up or checking-in for the week. And in the meantime, I’m figuring out whether I can do casual when I have hot chemistry for him.. and my conclusion is ‘hell yeah!’ says Lust, and ‘hell no!’ says Heart. I figure I have to do my thing and am secretly hoping he’ll resurface when I’m back in my sparkle mode.. haha.
    I also heard and heart you on your post with your guy. How did it pan out? I’ve been seeing DP for 3mths-ish, how about you?

  76.  #76Lotus on December 11, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    Dixie – what a lovely dream to have.
    I have been looking into my dreams a lot, and find the work of Jung to be fascinating. ‘In the unconscious of the female, it (the archetype) is expressed as a masculine inner personality: animus’. Perhaps your masculine energy is merging with the feminine… to represent a greater wholeness.. ooohh what a lovely place to be where they exist in harmony.

  77.  #77Andrea on December 11, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    Lotus, what do you mean.. “Angry at myself for the letting the girl out.” ?

    I feel curious about this. You mean you asked him not to leave? Or you told him that you want more than just casual?

    I’m thinking of the Sam Smith song “Stay With Me”

    Guess it’s true, I’m not good at a one night stand
    Cause I still need love and I’m just a man
    These nights never seem to go as planned
    I don’t want you to leave, will you hold my hand?

    Oh won’t you stay with me
    Cause you’re all I need
    This ain’t real love, it’s clear to see
    But please.. stay with me.

    Why am I so emotional?
    No it’s not a good look, gain some self control.
    And deep down I know this way never works
    but you can lay down with me so it doesn’t hurt.

    Stay with me..

  78.  #78Andrea on December 11, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    And as for me…

    RRguy just texted me an hour ago: What’s up for tonight? I’m heading into town.

    And I have just finished all my college courses and have two days off of work so I am free and feeling untethered by typical responsibility.

    I texted back: I have to admit that I feel a rush of excitement right now.

    He: Good I like the sound of that.

    And what do I want to happen tonight? I feel no desire to plan anything. I feel no desire to go out. I feel no desire to do anything. I’m sitting in my cozy bedroom and I’m warm and comfortable. I’ve been feeling him in my energy level all day long and had an intuition that somehow I would see him tonight. But even though he’s heading into my town, I’m not at work, so I don’t know how I will see him.

    He will have to come up with a plan I suppose.

    I have one fantasy, one strong desire. I want to be in a safe, private place with him. I want to see his smile, hear his voice, feel his warm breath caressing my face. I want him to pull me into his arms and I want to rest there. I just want to feel his arms surround me and I want to feel safe against his chest.

    So while he is on his way into my town, I am going to visualize that scene taking place. I don’t know how he will make it happen, IF he will make it happen. But that’s what I want. That’s all I want.

    I feel at peace with letting go and letting flow…. all the while visualizing myself in his arms.

  79.  #79prplpsn28 on December 11, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Haven’t been on here for a while. So I’m way behind. Will try to catch up tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

  80.  #80Labbit on December 11, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    69 Mandy — That would be so much fun! I have a close girlfriend with Tourette’s. She manages it so well that I often forget about it, but in reality I know that she is in a constant state of vigilance to keep herself healthy and functioning fully. I imagine it must be really frustrating when someone so close to you doesn’t get it…I feel uplifted that you’re focusing on taking care of yourself, even when faced with an unyielding partner. But then again when our men get sick they can be a bit unwieldy, right? 🙂

    70 Dixie — For a good while after discovering Rori and Siren Island, I was against CD’ing. I felt like I could only handle one man at a time, even at a casual dating level. So if this is where you are I totally get it. My feelings about this changed when I realized I’d stuck myself in a holding pattern, a waiting game of sorts. I didn’t want to admit it…but I had a favorite man and I was waiting to see what he’d do before I took any steps. The problem was, this man knew I was waiting on him and therefore felt no urge to commit to me — after all, if I was going to wait no matter how good or badly he treated me, why should he take my feelings into account? He’s not a bad guy at all, he’s a great guy! But he followed my lead and my lead said “please walk all over me.” It took me a long time to figure out that men look to us, the women, for guidance on how we should be treated. This has been a hard lesson, a bitter pill at times to swallow.

    And even now that I get it, that it’s up to me to set the pace of the relationship and set the tone for how I need to be treated, I still have a hard time sometimes! Sometimes I just wish for Prince Charming to swoop in and save me from all this responsibility, LOL. But I understand now. I understand that I need to treat myself like gold, and then any man will be inspired to treat me like gold too. It all starts with us. We don’t have to be perfect at it by any means, but we do have to understand that how we treat ourselves dictates how a man treats us.

  81.  #81Labbit on December 11, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    72 Lotus — Hey, it’s cool. I have tugged on so many men’s sleeves, LOL. I have left a trail of torn shirt sleeves in my wake — men I held on to that didn’t work for me. I just didn’t want to admit it at the time. I’m a total perfectionist and every time I make a mistake I tend to beat myself up for it. The thing is, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, I know I probably do a few dumb things on a daily basis. But how great is that? It’s such a relief in a way — WHEW, I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT. I can do one or two thing wrong every day and a man will still love me? OK, sign me up for that! That’s way easier than watching every thing I do or say.

    In my relationship and through CD’ing I’m seeing that it’s less important what I say, and more important how I’m being. When I’m confident in myself, when I feel sure that I’m on the right path I don’t feel the need to explain myself, or answer to anyone, or defend how I’ve been that day. You know? So as soon as I start second-guessing myself, or doubting myself, it’s just a clue that I’ve been triggered. And so what? I look at each time I’m triggered as a chance to learn…not a mistake. I’m re-reading Rori’s How to Have the Relationship You Want e-book right now, and there’s so much gold in there! Really, truly, it sounds so simple but it is true: the more comfortable I feel with myself, the more comfortable everyone around me feels in being themselves. And I didn’t have to change ONE THING about myself. All I had to do was stop fighting myself, and be a little lighter about things I think of as wrong within me. As it turns out, those things I think are wrong with me are some of the things TenderCD loves most about me. My faults ENDEAR him to me. It blows my mind at times. If I don’t fight myself about those faults, he can love me for them.

    He hasn’t contacted you since Friday. That’s great in my book! It’s a chance for me to feed my passions, live my life, get him curious about what I’m doing. I don’t care what he’s up to — it can’t possibly be as great as it would be if we were hanging out right now. His loss.

    ” I am curious to see what happens by speaking less with a man on a date, how does he get to know us if we don’t offer information? I’m curious to know if a guy has commented on the quietness, and what you’ve said?”

    To clarify, I’m not hiding anything, I’m just not offering the kind of deep personal history I would give a man I’m committed to. For me, on my first several dates with any man, I’m mostly in listening mode. The cool thing about a guy who’s into you is that he’ll talk away to fill the space. If I do speak, it’s about my passions. I want to build intrigue with him. For me that means Renaissance art, textile fashion, wrapping presents and decorating Christmas Trees, and hunting down specific types of chocolate that are only available around the holidays. I can talk about those things for hours! But in terms of my past relationships, or what I’m looking for, or what I hope my relationship will be like, I don’t share ANY of that with him for the first 6-8 dates. Men are initially attracted to us at a sexual level. Every man. So I want to create some mystery, some intrigue around myself to keep him coming back for more.

    If he asks me about past relationships — “I learned a lot about myself and what I’m looking for. They didn’t work out for various reasons.” If he asks me what I want now — “I’m looking to meet interesting people and see where it goes. I’m not looking to jump into a relationship with someone I’ve just met with both feet.” If he asks me if I want a relationship — “Most people want companionship, to find that person they really connect with, don’t you think” <– this also helps me learn about him!

    If he asks me why I'm quiet, I probably wouldn't answer that in words. I'd just cock my head to the side, as though I was confused how anyone could ask me that. Quiet compared to what? If he wants to talk, I'm happy to listen.

  82.  #82Labbit on December 11, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    78 Andrea — Ahh! RRGuy is coming back to town and he wants to treat you like a Goddess. I love it!

  83.  #83Emerson on December 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    I feel frustrated talking with one of my friends because I feel a little judged by her for not wanting to take a masculine action to let a man know I’m interested. She implied I must not like him that much or really be interested.
    She is telling me that as women, we need to let them know we are interested by asking them out etc etc..
    I told her I don’t agree with that and that I’m not comfy with masculine energy etc…and she seems offended.
    It’s ok, I feel soo confident with Rori’s tools and using my natural feminine energy, it feels so much better to me and not controlling…
    I’m so aware of it now, the differences between masculine and feminine.
    I feel so thankful for that.
    So I will continue to lean back with my new crush and see what happens. I did get very shy the other day and had an opportunity to talk with him and I avoided it. It was not obvious, I was just feeling overwhelmed and so I “ran” from the opportunity, proverbially speaking.
    It’s ok Emerson, you’re being true to yourself. 🙂

  84.  #84Turquoise on December 11, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    Thank you Feminine Woman, I was relieved to see you here! Hi April Rose, Emerson, IamHis, Dominique and Rori! I wrote a really long post, but it froze up. I want to know how everyone is. I’m doing pretty well. Busy with kids and work and Gold Canyon, haven’t dated much. Piano Man is still in my life though, we casually dated from March through the summer and the last 6 weeks it seems to be picking up. I really like this article, because I really didn’t feel ready to try and meet someone new or invest time in anyone. Relationships just haven’t worked out for me. When sweetheart told me he was gay, and then died…. I just kinda gave up on the idea of romance. Piano man has been fun, casual, no strings… But good to me. Always willing to help me, affectionate, fun. We have been spending a lot more time together lately, making plans, time with our kids…. And I like him. Just not sure what he is thinking. He is 7 years younger. He’s commented a few times about sleeping over or that his daughter wants to sleep over… But I havent had a man sleepover with my girls here in like 7 years. I don’t want to set a bad example. If we were in a serious relationship I may consider it. But we haven’t had any of those talks.
    I enjoy him, it always feels good when we are together. We laugh a lot. He’s coming over this weekend to put lights on the house, up on the roof. He carried my trees and bins up. Cuts my grass, he fixed an electrical outlet… His love language definitely is acts of service. It’s nice having someone who wants to help, make my life easier. I just wish I knew what he was feeling.

  85.  #85Emerson on December 11, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    hi Turquoise!!!
    Piano Man sounds very nice and it sounds like he cares about you! Wow he really helps you out, and it appears that you are just soaking it up and staying in your feminine energy! I love it.
    Nice to “see” you!

  86.  #86Emerson on December 11, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    should i Facebook friend request my crush? or is that too leaning forward???

  87.  #87Emerson on December 11, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    I realize saying “crush” sounds like I’m in the 8th grade…I need to come up with something else!!

  88.  #88Indigo on December 11, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Emerson 86,

    “is that too leaning forward?”


  89.  #89Mistea1 on December 11, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Ok Sirens, you all talked me into this. I went on POF a few days ago and now have a coffee date for next week. MusicTd has apparently gone up in a cloud of dust. So I’m off to new territory.

    Victoria thanks for encouraging me on.
    I haven’t had date as such for about xx years (lots). This one is MusicLL.
    Labbit, I took notes for the first dates or so. Keep it light, no past rel., nothing about what I’m looking for. be funny and somewhat sexy, yes? Looking for interesting people. I liked the “most people want companionship and people they connect with.”
    Lean back, let them lead conversation, look them in the eyes.

    Is it Ok to give a brief hug when greeting at first meeting?

    This one seems more proactive. A brief exchange of emails then has my email. Then he asks to meet. Thanks for all the help. I am needing it.

  90.  #90Indigo on December 11, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    Wow, leaning back really does bring feelings to the surface for us to feel and clear away. I’ve noticed many times since I started this last Monday how quite strong feelings have come up for me, and in the past I’d have felt the urge to “do” something to quieten them or calm them, and now I am just “feeling” them and leaning back. It feels a bit strange, but good.

    D has contacted me many times in the last week and a half, and it’s brought up all kinds of feelings for me. Last night, he Skyped me to wish me happy birthday for Sunday, saying he may miss me because he’ll be in another city for this weekend. I was surprised by the venom of the feeling I felt. My first thought was, “what, don’t they have phones in that city?” And when that initial flash had passed, I searched for the words, for the feeling message, and I couldn’t find a single one that didn’t feel blaming or like trying to control the outcome. So I said nothing, except hello. Then he wanted to know how I was, and how work was, and for these I was able to find good, positive feeling messages. I didn’t acknowledge his birthday comment.

    Afterwards, I realised I felt so much anger and confusion. I had trouble sleeping. I love hearing from him, it feels so good to know that he is thinking of me so often. My heart skips a beat when I see my computer flashing with a message from him. On the other hand, I don’t want him to contact me if he can’t step up. He never has anything to say when he contacts me, usually just hi and wanting to know how I am. That would feel good if we were in a committed relationship and he was contacting me on the days we didn’t see each other. Now, I just feel confused. I’ve thought of not responding, and then wondering if that would cause him to stop contacting me, and I feel momentarily sad. But then I think, what am I really losing? I’d prefer phone calls, or better yet, dates. They’re Skype messages. This is not a relationship, it’s imaginary.

    I’m just going to lean back and enjoy my birthday weekend as much as I can. I have lots of fun stuff planned, and I’m just going to focus on spending it with my family and friends and taking care of me.

  91.  #91Indigo on December 11, 2014 at 11:18 pm


  92.  #92Millie on December 12, 2014 at 12:26 am

    Victoria– aww thank you for your apology, no harm done. I know everyone has a different relationship with their parents. I’d rather go on a date of course! If it was a man who excited me!

  93.  #93Turquoise on December 12, 2014 at 3:28 am

    Emerson, sometimes Crush is the perfect name. 🙂 it’s in Piano mans nature to be so helpful so while it feels wonderful to receive, it’s not just for me. I do lean forward with him and text first sometimes. He works really long days, gets back to me, and we don’t always talk/ have contact everyday. But it seems ok. I don’t text first looking for a reason to contact him, just when I have something specific to say. 🙂 happy Friday everyone!

  94.  #94Turquoise on December 12, 2014 at 3:35 am

    Happy birthday Indigo!! Maybe D just wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday? I understand how you feel… I have felt angry when someone doesn’t act the way that I want them too. But than I realized I was being kind of controlling, it wasn’t really up to me. It’s the disappointment of it not being ALL of what we want. I’m glad you have so many fun things planned! Does he live near you that you could have more of a relationship than Skype?

  95.  #95Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 3:50 am

    So you are a Sag, like me?
    Go out and play, girl, there are so many men in the world!

  96.  #96Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 4:00 am

    I was specifically instructed not to give advice on the blog. So I am not giving advice.

    But it seems to me the only way one gets better at playing the violin, is by playing the violin. Or the piano. Or whatever you are playing.

    Sending you love and hugs and positive vibarations and keeping my fingers crossed for you to have a great date!

  97.  #97Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 5:22 am


    I am a Sagittarius, though not a typical one 🙂

    But I am turning my attention to the fun, feel good stuff as much as I can. It shifts my focus and it feels good 🙂

  98.  #98Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 5:26 am


    Thank you so much 🙂 D lives only 15-20 minutes from me, we are perfect for each other in just about every way, but he has decided he cannot commit to me. I am finally fully at peace with releasing him to pursue this journey he seems to want to go on, and more than that, I think it’s a good thing. For me too.

    Yet he has contacted me several times in the interim.

    “I understand how you feel… I have felt angry when someone doesn’t act the way that I want them too. But than I realized I was being kind of controlling, it wasn’t really up to me. It’s the disappointment of it not being ALL of what we want.”

    Once the initial flash of anger and disappointment passed, I realized that, which is why I didn’t say anything. In the past I would have though, so it was a bit of progress for me.


  99.  #99Labbit on December 12, 2014 at 5:43 am

    89 Mistea1 — Ohhh, I fear I’ve led you astray! For that I am sorry!! When I go on a date, there’s very little going on my head. I’m in my body — in my heart. I think that if you go into a date with a list of “I can talk about this but not that…” it’s going to feel heavy, like weight on you. And that might affect your enjoyment of the date. So if you’re feeling pressured to not mention certain things, I am sorry. That’s not my intent at all.

    Just be yourself. If you are comfortable with yourself, at ease, that will be deadly attractive to any man interested in you. Before a date I usually tell myself: I love myself, I am a Prize, and I’m going to have FUN. And then I wipe my mind clear of all thoughts and distractions.

    I mention what has worked and what hasn’t for me in such specificity because this website is a treasure trove of great information for me. Through reading comments on archived posts I’ve discovered so many new possibilities about myself…and I’m just hoping to similarly open other people’s eyes by sharing my own experiences.

  100.  #100Labbit on December 12, 2014 at 5:48 am

    90 Indigo — I am touched by how you’ve shared your experiences with anger. Anger is the toughest emotion for me…I have stuffed it down for so long because I hate feeling it, hate experiencing it, feel bad and wrong when I am angry. That you can talk about it so freely is stirring.

    There is much I could say about your post, but I feel like you are in such a good place right now that instead I’ll just say that you have my total support. And I feel inspired by you. Happy Birthday weekend!!!

  101.  #101Emerson on December 12, 2014 at 6:00 am

    Thanks Indigo, i did not friend him after all.

    Mistea1 yay for pof…and I would feel open to a hug on first date, only if the man initiated it.

    As far as first dates and dating in general goes, for me I do feel it’s helpful to remind myself what not to talk about, I remind myself to keep it light and also keep it authentic about how I feel. Physically lean back, don’t pressure myself to be “funny” or “sexy” as it may come off as forced. I just try to be myself even if I’m nervous. I’ve even told my date “I feel nervous”…never have I received a negative reaction to that! Usually they are nervous too and also it is being authentic.

    Also I try to remember to unzip my heart. It’s amazing how they can feel it. 🙂

  102.  #102Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 7:27 am

    What sign is D?

  103.  #103Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 8:13 am

    On first dates:
    I think you can’t go wrong. If he is the right man, or you are the right woman, or both, there is nothing that either of you can do wrong, and if you are not right for each other, even with a good first date, it gets nowhere.
    OK, may be this is too deterministic. But I think it makes sense to be yourself already at the first date.
    Also, it makes sense to cultivate certain qualities that men find univesally attractive, so that in principle you can be an attractive person. Of those I think the important ones are:
    1. Be open, non-judgemental and curious about the other person
    2. Look you best: be physically fit and well groomed. It would be kind of difficult to become fit for a date if you are not fit already, so I find this to be something which one has to work on everyday, date or no date.
    3. Better look at dating as a sport and not a chore. Practice makes perfect.

  104.  #104Labbit on December 12, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Alright, I have a question now. As my relationship with TenderCD continues I’ve been experiencing some really strong feelings. Often joy. Sometimes anger. Occasionally fear. Most recently, love.

    And I have no idea what to do with these deep loving feelings. Sounds silly, right? We do tell each other that we love each other, and it warms my heart and I’m sure his too…but this is something more…I don’t know…giddy.

    I feel these rushes of extra energy at times. I can’t be telling TenderCD I love him 50 times a day. I feel elated and like fireworks could explode out of my chest. But what to do with this energy? Share it with the world, channel it into my passions, yes. But right this second. What do I do with this sudden burst, this surge of energy and passion I’m experiencing? What do you do with yourself when you feel waves of elation? It’s almost too much for me to handle, I feel like I could run a half-marathon right now!! I’m at work though and that would not be a valid excuse for leaving for the rest of the day. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need some ideas. How do I cope with these awesome, but right now totally distracting, feelings?

  105.  #105Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Oh Labbit.
    The reason I overfunction, is because I have this crazy energy. When I feel crazy in love, I want to suffocate him with love. I want to tell him I love him 50 times a day. I want to cook for him non-stop, wash his clother, iron and hang them in his closet, clean his house, kiss his feet and bear his children.
    And then, when I overfunction, he leans back. He needs space. Damn it.
    So I lean back myself. I make a major effort and I lean way way back. I cool off. My crazy love cools off. I no longer feel euphoric. I see more realistically what he does, and what he does not to, and that he does not need me/want me to become his cook, maid and wife, or at least not yet. What to do?
    So, I have the same question.
    I got answered here actually with two great ideas:
    1) volunteer to help people in need
    2) self care.
    Here you go.
    But all other ideas are soooooooo welcome!

  106.  #106lovetodance on December 12, 2014 at 9:17 am

    victoria 103

    this makes me chuckle and enjoy your spicey sense of humor!

    3. Better to look at dating as a sport and not a chore. Practice makes perfect.

    good luck Mistea1….i feel you are good at being in love with life…..

    happy birthday Indigo…..i know you are letting your glow show….

    I am working with loving loving loving myself in this season of surprises and challenges….ones i love who are facing massive health problems….how to support, be there and not get overwhelmed myself….

    and the men….i find it just amazing that the cd who i had a brief encounter with was at my place of employment…at the same time as i….i keep wondering was this more than co-incidence in that my schedule, name and picture are on the website as a practitioner….i know it doesn’t matter because he never stepped up to call me…i guess its just my ego and heart still wanting validation from someone who i wanted it from….and i know i must give it to myself

    i had pretty much forgotten about him…but it got re-stimulated….so incredible that it went hand in hand just moments before getting very scarey difficult information about my close friend having a massive heart attack….i was kinda swaying from it all….

    right now i am in touch with some despair….over men and life…i know this will change….
    but dog-gone-it…i just want to feel strong and sexy and desirable and light and successful….it just seems all that would make all this easier….

    i don’t know….just some thoughts at the moment that i know will change…

    i guess i just want my default setting to be…ahhhhh i feel soooo good about me! and sometimes i just do….where is that strong arm around my shoulders when i need it?……

  107.  #107Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Victoria 102,

    He is a Scorpio.

  108.  #108Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 9:29 am

    lovetodance 103,

    Thank you 🙂 I do feel kind of glowing.

  109.  #109Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Labbit 100,

    There are so many reasons I feel anger with this situation with D, that I won’t go into. Anger is often the first feeling that flares up for me when I really feel confusion or frustration. But I also feel compassion, understanding and acceptance. I’m sure it sounds confusing.

    Anger is actually one of my favourite emotions, which people who know me will be surprised to learn, because I’m a calm, peaceful person, and I almost never lose my cool. Maybe part of the reason I love anger is because some of the beings I love very much have struggled with it and healed from that – my horse and my mom, for example.

    But also because, for me, anger is a very honourable emotion. It’s a protective emotion. It rises up when a wrong has been committed or a boundary violated, or against some perceived injustice. Sometimes it is misplaced, and its force can be destructive… but if we can learn to harness its power, it can give us the energy to do what’s right.

  110.  #110lovetodance on December 12, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Labbitt 104

    as i read what you wrote…the giddy feeling….
    the energetics of it….

    a great fun feeling….and does it feel grounding? do you want it to?

    feeling our feelings fully ….the wheel of our feelings…like a merry go round…all the different horseys and colors and decorative harnesses….they change as we change seats….

    i am practicing learning to ride each seat as it comes along….without reacting in a way that throws me off my ride….and enjoy the ride…learn from the ride…see my response…..sounds easy but not fir me….being in the present is alot of work and focus and discipline….

    i am on my own tangent now….want you to know i feel that giddy feeling too sometimes ….

    and for me when i get love or validation …something so longed for…. its a big energy release and it feels wonderful and scarey all at the same time…like will this last…is it real….what do i do with all this energy and desire and emotion released….

    one of the rides of my merry-go-round…..

    this is helping me this morning ….to see the strong emotions of fear and despair now….this is just one of the rides and i need to keep embracing this image of change …..the circular nature of change…..i am here now…i am here now…and just to let the energy keep moving and flowing and cleansing and releasing all it needs to…..

  111.  #111Victoria on December 12, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Scorpios are very difficult for me, basically they are on a different wave lenght…the other water signs too but scorpios are for me really undoable.
    What about the gorgeous FWB guy?

  112.  #112lovetodance on December 12, 2014 at 9:59 am

    ahhh indigo….
    i love what you write about anger…

    it gets such a bad rap in society…..so it just goes repressed and festering…

    yes to learning to harness its power and heal with it , from it….with it….to use its energy to cleanse…like a well directed bolt of lightning….

    i would sign up for a course in this….maybe something like ‘Bowling with Zeus….Harnessing the Power and Healing of Anger’

  113.  #113April Rose on December 12, 2014 at 10:08 am


    Your feelings sound like they are being fuelled by oxytocin, a chemical which can cause elation.

    Are you able to hold the intensity of the feeling inside yourself? Sort of like a rumbling volcano?

    Spilling it out onto him might…well, it might feel good and joyful,… but too much intensity can have the effect of pushing a good man away.

  114.  #114April Rose on December 12, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Hello Turquoise!

    Lovely to see you here posting again. I was so curious about you and how you are getting on.

    I feel very good reading your posts. I’m enjoying the quietness and serenity that comes across from your interaction with piano man. I remember ages ago that he poofed for a while and I feel delighted that he has come back.

    It’s your lovely gentle ‘not too excited about him’ vibe which I find so appealing. And he is stepping up.

  115.  #115April Rose on December 12, 2014 at 10:26 am


    The compassion and empathy I feel for you is beyond measure.

    I feel you very deeply. I get you totally. My situation and experience are not exactly the same as yours, and yet everything you write resonates hugely.

    I still can’t find it in me to write about it. I will say that I understand utterly what it feels like to be so bonded on a deep life-force level with a man who is unable or unwilling to co-create the relationship that I want.

    I hear you when you write ‘my heart skips a beat when I see a message from him flashing on my computer’.

    This is me too.

    And, how beautiful and safe-making I would feel if, instead, my heart’s response to that flashing message was a ‘warm glow’. THAT’s the kind of relationship I want.

    All those ‘skipping beats’ feel like a kind of trauma. Not peaceful at all, in my case.

  116.  #116Lotus on December 12, 2014 at 10:28 am

    106: lovetodance
    I’m hearing you with the challenges. I am trying to work through not needing a strong man around my shoulders, and I admitted to myself today on my coffee date, I just want some company with a man I like enough.

    My date rushed off and I could feel the nerves twist in my stomach. I felt disappointed with myself, I don’t need his validation of a 2nd date or warm goodbye. I told myself, it was a pleasant encounter, it doesn’t have to be more. Walking through town, I could feel my insides tense and I was being in the moment, aware of my feelings, and embraced myself. I saw a gorgeous dog and petted it, gave a beggar enough money for a coffee. Just trying to ride my emotions. An hour later, the date texted me to apologise for his offish goodbye and how he wanted to meet me again as I have a sincere warm heart. So there was my message, yet why does it feel better to hear it from him? I am enough. Gosh, no wonder.. I noticed how scary I felt as my heart was open, and he could feel it. I feel like my inner core is being remoulded to be stronger, as layers of my armour come off. CDing is so hard sometimes, especially when the men are appealing!

  117.  #117Lotus on December 12, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Indigo – enjoy riding the waves of a loving feeling! One that has created so much poetry, music and art.. How about flying a kite, going on a waterslide, going on a long walk with a camera and journal, painting a rainbow – it needs to be expressed as the feminine energy, if not to your man, so as to harness this magical feeling of love.. You must be glowing!

    Victoria – RR talks about volunteering at an animal rescue centre so we feel needed… to take away that urge to provide for a man.

  118.  #118lovetodance on December 12, 2014 at 10:39 am

    thank you for responding

    i felt so resonant with the way you described your reactions and what you did with the thoughts and emotions…and how you reached out into the world to create beauty in the midst of some inner turmoil…beautiful!

    riding one’s emotions…..what a practice!

    and yes how good it feels to hear from the other…and we know our practice is to keep getting stronger inside so when it comes or doesn’t we are not thrown off our horses….

    i feel encouraged today by your sharing your story…thank you Lotus!

  119.  #119Lotus on December 12, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Victoria – just a suggestion although I can’t quite imagine you might fancy that! Experiment and be surprised??

  120.  #120Lotus on December 12, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Love to dance – hugs 🙂
    We embrace our femininity and vulnerability by being aware of our feelings, in each moment of awareness. We wrap ourselves with love. We are enough. We don’t always have to be strong, we can be strong by admitting we don’t feel strong. We can JUST BE love.

  121.  #121lovetodance on December 12, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Lotus ….yes to all the pieces of strength…..

    vunerability, femininity, acceptance of all the inner process…and slathering all that happens internally and externally with as much love as we can muster….

    yes yes yes…

    i feel reminded by you….

  122.  #122Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    April Rose 115,

    Yes, I thought you might understanding.

    The bit about my heart skipping a beat… yes, that’s kind of what it’s like for me too. I don’t know what to feel. I kind of want to understand, and I just don’t. So I have let go. And I keep letting go, I let go and I let go and I let go, and I keep walking. And I lean back.

    It’s a positive thing though. I know I need to let him go to go and do whatever, and that is the way it needs to be. I feel excited for my own life and my own development.

  123.  #123Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    * understand

  124.  #124RileyTheOwl on December 12, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    I’m really feeling for you right now, sending lots and lots of love and good vibes your way <3

  125.  #125Lotus on December 12, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Indigo – I’m sorry, my post feels totally out of context with what’s happening for you. I just jumped at your burst of feeling and I have read back about your confusion with D. Silly me. I too have felt this feeling racing through me, yet confused with what I was really getting from the guy and the ‘relationship’. I had quality moments with DP, but the contact in between didn’t feel good enough for me. The lack of clarity bugged me. I found it helped when I reminded myself that chemicals were surging through my system.
    I also find it helps to focus on the qualities I want in a man, as opposed to the man. You’re doing the right thing to focus on yourself. I love to dance, and look in the mirror to remind myself of my energy and passion, and I love to go to Ceroc – modern jive where I dance with other men. Filling myself up with other energies makes me feel alive, and creates different chemicals like endorphins.
    Wishing you a Happy Birthday!

  126.  #126Labbit on December 12, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    105 Victoria — Yes, you nailed it! Haha, your words are perfectly describing how I felt earlier today…I do volunteer and it totally helps me deal with that giving energy…but when I’m at work, at my desk, and feeling a sharp spike of love, it’s hard to know what to do!

    106 lovetodance — Oh no! Sometimes the world around us does seem to be spinning, while we are stuck in the middle standing spill. Sending healthy wishes to your friends. Yes, yes, feed that love to yourself. No man can give it to you! It comes from within. & 110 — No, it does not feel grounded at all when I have these energy spikes! More like I’m bouncing off the walls, like a puppy. I want to feel it all but it needs someplace to go, besides out to TenderCD.

    109 Indigo — That is such an interesting take on anger! Hmm, this gives me a lot to think about…thank you.

    113 April Rose — Ohhhhh yes like a rumbling volcano! That’s it, and yes I suppose I can hold it inside, but at some point I need to let all that lava spew out LOL. You are so right, I don’t want ANY of it to land on TenderCD. That’s why I need help finding alternate activities, haha. He gets my calm, peaceful energy. Not this overwhelming kind of energy.

  127.  #127Labbit on December 12, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    117 Lotus — I love all those ideas! In fact, I might just paint this weekend. 🙂 And I can go on a photography walk for sure…in between holiday parties and wearing sparkly dresses.

  128.  #128Mistea1 on December 12, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Thanks to you all who encouraged and supported me as I go on this dating trip. I will take all suggestions of how you all handled your events, mix them all together and come up with my own unique take on it. This ought to be interesting. 🙂 I’m looking forward to this!

    Yes, Victoria, I’ve lost the 20 lbs over the last 4 months, colored my hair, and relearned how to use makeup. I think I look pretty good. Oh, I could do more with the exercise. My clothes are being updated too.

    Now I just need to get 2 more in the mix and I will be good to go.

  129.  #129Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    Lotus 125,

    Thank you so much 🙂

    That is a great thing, I think – focusing on the qualities, not the man. For what it’s worth, from what I’ve learnt, it’s really worth it to listen to yourself when what a man is giving you doesn’t seem to be quite enough. It’s a great time to reflect on what you really want. Often it means leaning back from that particular man, and “filling yourself up with other energies”, exactly as you have done.

  130.  #130Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Victoria 111,

    He is still around, but I am not going to lean forward with him. If he contacts me I might be open to another episode with him!

    Sirens, it feels so wonderful. I am on holiday for a month! We have hot summery weather here and I am looking forward to lots of feel-good things, like shopping and presents and lazy relaxing days.

  131.  #131Indigo on December 12, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Labbit 104,

    I so completely know what you mean about these giddy, overwhelming, loving feelings that make you feel like your chest wants to burst open. I used to feel them as well for D. In fact they were so intense I used to cry! Having a bit of a cry did help, by the way.

    I found it very useful to direct that energy to other things or people that I loved. So, I’d call my mom or a close friend. Or I’d go and give my horse a big hug or play with my cat, or I’d use the energy for a burst of creativity on a hobby that was important to me. Or I’d go and show a bit of appreciation for my staff. It does help to dissipate the energy a bit, and is a great gift.

  132.  #132Mistea1 on December 13, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I feel happy to read your discussions on what to do with the exhuberant loving feelings a lot of us seem to have.

    That’s why I went on bioidentical hormones as well as for the bleeding issue. This was after menopause. They wanted to do surgery first and I wanted to do hormone replacement. I wanted to continue with my creative life and I knew that hormones and clean living would help me keep my zest for life. I didn’t care if my prose sparkled or even if I wanted to write or paint or draw when I was in this downward spiral. Life wasn’t worth living.

    I got my hormones adjusted and fell in love with MusicTd and completely turned around my life. My daughter even commented about how much I’ve changed. Now, upon listening to his music I am more apt to want to go back to my keyboard and play my self and play my flute. Poetry is easier and upon listening to the music I got full blown poems. It was amazing. Now I feel better that I can sit down on my own and compose.

    I like reading about your using the energy generated to improve yourselves and lives and to help others. I look at this as our little perk for going through all the hassles we have with relationships.

    Perhaps that’s why there may be more successful men as they sublimate all this energy to their creative, work and family lives. Women have it harder I think because of all the involvement with family which takes up a greater proportion of this creative energy. Open to comments here.

    As I have observed MusicTd who is ultra focused on the music I can’t imagine what it took/takes to focus that much energy on the development of his enormous talent. It’s been interested to observe how much he was shaken by my presence and the steps he was/is taking to return to his status quo. He has decided he can’t/won’t do both.

    As for my part I would have been the moth consumed in the flame. I have my own path and I’m not strong enough to handle his complexity and do my own thing. So there is a mix of relief and regret, mostly relief.

    Outside of the music his emotional level is extremely chaotic. After being in his presence I would feel upset for 5-10 hours or more. I used my EFT technique to lesson the impact but I have concluded that for my peace of mind and my creative balance I have to cut off all contact. I am in his presence however briefly 3-4 times a week.

    Last night we were at a reception. He made it a point to let me know he was ignoring me. Upsetting energy abounded. Finally, I was at the last exhibit which was next to the wine table. He was drinking wine and talking to the woman at the table. I was concentrated on my program about that particular exhibit. I could hear him stop in mid sentence to her and turn towards me. I kept on reading my program and he then turned back to the other person. I then left with only some mild upset.

    I feel sad it has come to this but my mental health is at stake. He has to be as nothing to me and I decided I won’t look at smile or pay any attention to him. Unless he directly approaches me which I don’t think he will I’m completely ignoring him.

    Thank goodness for CDing. I’d like to get back to more normal people. Much less exciting I know!

    Ok that’s my take on this energy thing.

  133.  #133Dixie on December 13, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Hello Ladies!
    I always start with thank yous (it feels good!) so..

    Indigo – thank you for all your advice! And Happy Belated Birthday too! Maybe I’m mistaken, but you live in Johannesburg, no? I don’t why I remember that detail, but it always struck me as being so interesting. One of my favorite novels to teach takes place in South Africa. Can you recommend any authors?

    Labbit- Thank you also for your insight! You and Indigo are right – he’s pulled back into his cave. We’ve done this dance for 2 years and I wouldn’t feel these soft feelings for him if I hadn’t seen the most sweetest vulnerable side of him these years. Its his blend of strength and softness that I love. So…. I don’t know. I’ll just focus on me, my work and things that fuel my passion.

    Lotus – I laughed at what you said about lust. The truth is right now, I want something that feels passionate and safe, something that lets us both feel our highest, our most generous, and best creative selves. With D., I had a long drink of that, and that’s why it was so wonderful.

    Indigo – your journey with D has been so enlightening. I read what you say, and it feels like you are giving voice to what my heart is feeling. I am here, cheering you on your journey – I know the bittersweetness of it all, but from here, you look amazing.

    The funny thing is that even though I feel like a shy fish when it comes to CDing, when I’m not in that frame of mind, I feel like a firecracker sometimes, just lit up and glowy, a ball of energy. Part of it is because I feel so much passion for my job, (high school teacher) and I love the feeling of contributing to the community, and being part of a community.
    I do get lots of positive attention from men, not just romantic energy, but that nice energy when you’re engaged in a great conversation. I love that synergy with people! I miss that feeling with D.

    But when it comes to this particular man, he sees all that as well as my marshmallow side. Maybe I’m afraid that no one will love all crazy facets of me. I mean, here I am, happy as a bug right now.

    Oh, another realization just came to me…. the other day I heard the term “upper limiting”, the idea that we have preconceived ideas of success and love, etc. For me, I always felt that my highest professional success – my creative best, and highest personal success would always involve a partner. On some level, I’ve been deeply afraid of the idea of being successful, reaching my potential, but still single.

    I’m rambling again. 🙂

  134.  #134Dixie on December 13, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Lotus 116: I loved this:

    Walking through town, I could feel my insides tense and I was being in the moment, aware of my feelings, and embraced myself. I saw a gorgeous dog and petted it, gave a beggar enough money for a coffee. Just trying to ride my emotions. An hour later, the date texted me to apologise for his offish goodbye and how he wanted to meet me again as I have a sincere warm heart. So there was my message, yet why does it feel better to hear it from him? I am enough. Gosh, no wonder.. I noticed how scary I felt as my heart was open, and he could feel it. I feel like my inner core is being remoulded to be stronger, as layers of my armour come off.”

  135.  #135Indigo on December 13, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Dixie 133,

    Thank you so much for the birthday wish 🙂 it’s not belated as my birthday is only today. I feel so touched that what I have written about my journey has been enlightening and helpful to you (it has certainly been a massive learning experience for me), and also by your mention of my homeland.

    I don’t live in Johannesburg, I actually live in a city in the province of KwaZulu-Natal, which is about 6 hours away from Jo’burg. I have to confess to not being widely read on South African authors, but I can recommend “Cry the Beloved Country” by Alan Paton. There is a beautiful play called “The Road to Mecca” by Athol Fugard, which is just the most amazing, uniquely South African story and just one of my favourites. I have visited the place where the play takes place and it is just the most incredible, haunting place.

    I just want to say, about your relationship with D… it is always the right thing to focus on ourselves and our passions. These men reveal their ability to do relationship over time when we do this. I wish you much luck, and your cheering me on feels so great!

  136.  #136Labbit on December 14, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    131 Indigo — Thank you for these suggestions. It’s very hard to know what to do with all that energy sometimes, but at least I do know not to overwhelm TenderCD with it. 🙂 I did end up showering my dog with affection (much to her delight), went for a super-long run and painted a couple of new canvases yesterday. (Just swoopy, energy-dissipating splashy pieces, nothing too thought out.) By the time TenderCD came to spend the weekend I was much calmer.

    133 Dixie — I have also experienced similar notions at times, about needing a partner to truly be a success, and self-denying myself professional opportunities and awards because I didn’t feel complete without someone to share them with. Especially right after my last long-term relationship ended. Now I get it’s mostly a social stigma…and I like to make jokes if people at work functions ask where my boyfriend is/who I’m dating now.

  137.  #137sallye thompson on December 15, 2014 at 9:04 am

    HELP ME Rori!
    I don’t know what to do, I just recently purchased and started listening to your series. I have a guy who I have been long distance dating for several months. I have to be honest I lost it after his first visit and began to call and text too much. He continued to call and text when he wanted to (or just enough, barely) I finally asked if that was his best, he said he understood and would do better. He was recently out of the country on business returned and sent me a recording singing a love song to me nice voice nicer sentiment. After your series I did nothing. He turned around and texted me some hours later pretty sexual but I wasn’t offended, again I didn’t respond. I don’t know what to do. I want him to call, not text. But I do realize I asked for improvement and he improved. What should I do? Nothing and wait for the call or respond to one of the emails? I feel kinda bad not responding to the song that was awful nice.

  138.  #138Brewerchic on December 15, 2014 at 1:57 pm


    I was hoping someone can get me through this panic time. I met a guy on plenty of fish. We texted for about 2 weeks. He initiated everything. We had our first meet at a concert on Saturday. He drove out to meet me and it was his idea to go to the show with me after my friend backed out. We talked a bit in between set and I was smiling , happy I felt comfortable and got him smiling and laughing. He walked me to my car and kissed me good night and when he got in his car he posted on facebook that he was with me at a concert (that is good right?) the next day he texted like normal said he had a good time and everything seemed good until late that night. Earlier through conversation he found out I had peircings in a certain area. He was curious but would always be cool with the converstaion I told him I didn’t want to lie about not having them but feel reluctant because people get the wrong idea. Made sure he knew that while I like sex I don’t have sex outside of a relationship. Well he brought the piercings up again last night and I answered some questions but the last question I didn’t feel comfortable answering over text so I said I don’t feel comfortable answering that right now. He said he was sorry to make me feel uncomfortable and before I could respond he said he was going to bed and goodnight. Well this morning was the first morning since he had my number 2 weeks ago that he did not say good morning. I sent him 1 text to initatie contact for the first time and he was friendly and responded back right away but I see him on the site alot more that I did in the first days before our date when he was appearing really into me. I know I won’t send him another text but I wish I knew what happened. He was very attentive and it was a good date and I was doing everything as told( not iniating contact, not asking him, setting the boundary using feeling statement that I didn’t want to answer that question) so what happened why all sudden no more good morning emails and increased activity on his end on the dating site? Dating at 37 is tough! Please advise

  139.  #139Violet on December 16, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    @ 39: Labbit: I also loved what you wrote. // I feel like I understand the premise of Rori’s philosophy. I view every interaction as an opportunity to practice.

    When you think about it in basic terms; it’s like learning to walk or talk. The more you practice; the better you get. The learning never stops.

    Sometimes I feel like I got this whole thing down pat. It’s a matter of taking ownership of who I am now, ‘knowing’ that I deserve the best, not settling for anything less, or making what someone else says/does more important than what is true to my heart.

    There are other times when it seems like I don’t know diddly squat.

    I feel like I need constant work on not putting too much focus on one man. I feel like I’m better at recognizing this when it happens. Then it becomes a matter of switching the focus.

    I’ll have to say… right this very millisecond; I don’t feel patient or positive. I feel like I’ve been spending way to much of my energy thinking about this one man. I’ll call him, ‘Mr D’.

    It’s like I ‘sense’ a mutual ‘attraction’ of sorts. I don’t say or do anything about it. This is where I’m practicing a lot of Rori’s ideas. Believe me; it makes a great difference in my perception once I step back.

    I see it this way. If I’m not getting what I know I deserve; it’s a waste of time thinking about ‘woulda’, ‘couda’, ‘shouda’.

    Me and my time are precious commodities. If a man wants to spend time with me; he needs to step up to the plate and make it worth my while. THAT is the message I’m playing and will KEEP playing in my head. Thank you for reading this and for any feedback you wish to share, Violet 🙂

  140.  #140Lotus on December 17, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Oh… I just wrote a longer post to the new ladies and lost it on my phone! Just wanted to say check into RR’s latest blog post to catch the latest thread where fellow sirens will support you.

  141.  #141lovetodance on December 17, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    139 violet…

    i loved what you wrote…i feel the same about the practice…learning to walk…learning anything…it takes practice…

    and also the feeling oh i’ve got it and then poof…got what?!

    and i am copying and pasting your last sentence of they need to step up to the plate…

    it feels clear and healthy to me what you say you have running internally here…

    a wonderful reminder for me…
    and yes there is a new thread where your voice would be welcomed and appreciated!

  142.  #142Indigo on December 17, 2014 at 10:24 pm


    There is no need to initiate contact when he goes silent or seems to withdraw for a while. This is the really important time, when you get to practice focusing on yourself, your hobbies and interests, doing nice things for yourself, other friends, other men. What’s happened here is perfectly normal, and that’s why the central premise of Rori’s philosophy is not to get hung up on one man, not until he’s giving you the relationship you want. Forget him, go get your hair done at the salon, go on another date.

    Hi, and welcome!

  143.  #143Jennifer on December 19, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Hello guys,
    I am reading your blogs and I feel happy for all of you to be in the dating world and having this courage to go out and really be vulnerable in front of men even if you don’t know if they’re “the one.” My situation is so hard…and any advice would be truly helpful. I’m married. I’ve been married for 6 years, together with my husband for 8…we love each other very much..always have had a great connection, but our marriage has been long distance because of his job. At one point, he would work for 28 days, and then be home 28 days…as this is my second marriage, and we have 3 children, and I’m a HS teacher, I have always been busy, so his absence was tolerable. I believed going into the marriage that he would find a job in Houston, and I supported him in building his career. Well, 2.5 years ago, he lost his job and was out of work for 9 months, and then took the job of his dreams in Romania. This job allowed us to travel, see Europe and saved us from economic ruin. However, last year, he separated from me because as my intuition suspected, he was having an affair with a colleague. And I did not react well. My first husband cheated too (while I was pregnant) and his affair triggered all of the feelings I imagine I stuffed from eight years prior. I nearly had a nervous break down. So, 2014, I have spent going through the hardest year of my life. We are still married, he hasn’t filed, I can’t really file with him overseas, as it will cost me a fortune in lawyer fees, and I have been faithful to him. I believe he is living with this woman, and I know he doesn’t love her. We have a 4 year old, and he calls once a month which is unacceptable. So here I am. He said he’s going to file in January, part of me wants him to to end this madness and allow me to move on, but part of me loves him and thinks that I pushed this mess with my own insecurities especially with him being overseas. He does financially provided for us. Ladies!! After doing this program, I realize how many mistakes I made…I have so much guilt..after seeing my grandmother and mother control their husbands, I know that I did the same. And I know that my emotional reactions were dramatic and appeared insecure. All of Rori’s rules…I’ve broken everyone in almost all my interactions with my husband. I can’t believe he’s still married to ME!!!! Now, secretly, I wish my husband would give me a second chance. I handled his affair by obsessively sending texts, emails..my masculine energy is fierce.
    So…where am I now?…well, I have gone 2 whole weeks without sending any “scathing” texts (as he calls them) and I am attempting to shift the energy by not communicating. He has told me that he is looking for a job in Houston, and I believe him. I don’t think he’s happy with this woman, and I think she’s probably more insecure than me and trying her best to cage him in knowing he doesn’t really love her since he has not divorced me.
    I teach yoga twice a week and it’s amazing. I paint, I love on my kids, I attend their activities, I read…I am a confident woman. I have a strong belief in God, and I feel like God is guiding me through this storm with grace. I”m learning so much about trust…really how to trust myself.
    My question to all of the Sirens out there is…would you date? I am on Match, and I have men ask me out all the time, but I usually decline since I am married (separated). But I haven’t had sex in a year, and I crave adult emotional attention from a man. My husband is blind (metaphorically). I feel neglected by him. I feel jealous, and I feel like he has completely dishonored our family and marriage. I feel disappointed and I feel vulnerable. I honestly do not know where to go. Divorce is horrible. I’ve been through one already and I deal with the repercussions every day. (my ex-husband comes around more divorced than he did when we were married). Oh, that’s the other thing, I know these tools work because I practice them on my ex, and OMG, he’s been at my house every night this week…he’s helping our older son with his homework, but still…he’s in my bubble.
    I had this huge epiphany last week…after finishing Rori’s whole seminar…I push men away on purpose by yelling…I just have this anger inside toward men period. I saw my mother put up with my father, and I didn’t like the way he treated her…and I felt resentful to him my whole life…I am forgiving him now…but I realized this feeling when my 14 year old son triggered this flood of emotional anger because he wanted to take a break and not do his homework. I said, “you need to leave, move out.” And he ran away from me…into the front yard…and it hit me in that moment…men run from me because I purposefully want them to . This was huge for me.
    I sent a message to my husband apologizing…he always complained that in our marriage he felt he couldn’t be real with me in fear that I’d blow up, and he wouldn’t be able to control his temper..and so he just avoided conflict. I said, “I have felt so disconnected.” And he said he couldn’t be real. OUCH!!! So I am going to cry just thinking about this, because he probably won’t give me another chance, and I have inadvertently ruined another marriage before I”m 40 years old..and I have three children that will continue to live in a house being ran by a single mother who is lonely and pushed beyond her emotional limits daily. Yeah. That’s my guilt.
    So I pray. I pray my husband finds a job in Houston. I feel like if I wait, his affair will blow up, and he will want to at least leave Romania to be closer to his daughter. Meanwhile, I have worked on me as best as possible…but should I date?
    I don’t want to endanger myself in the process of divorce…hence my faithfulness.
    Ladies, thoughts?
    Please pray for us…I truly feel like I”m in a cage.

  144.  #144Rori Raye on December 19, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Jennifer – This is Rori. First – I think your situation is such right now, and your habits are like ALL of ours have been – that if you do what I ask you to do – you’ll see a DRAMATIC shift in your entire life!

    Second – get coaching. Try one of my amazing Certified Coaches in the Coach Directory page in the sidebar…They will get you to a completely new place faster than you can believe right now.

    Third – You CANNOT make quick progress without Circular Dating. That’s the “curriculm.” AND – Circular Dating can look MANY ways.

    Ethically – there is no reason for you to not date, really date, and take a lover. I think that would make you feel SO much better!

    I also know that process can be stressful – and may take some baby-steps to get there. Start CDing small. Learn how to talk to men. Learn to use the Tools. Learn to use Feeling Messages. Learn to be vulnerable at ALL times! Learn to make friends with men, and to flirt at the same time. Your coach can help you with this – because doing it will feel “foreign” to you at first.

    You can DO THIS!!!!

    Whether he comes back (I have a feeling he will…) – or you meet someone else…I believe you have a great future ahead of you, in very short order. Love, Rori

  145.  #145prplpsn28 on December 19, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    What is it with guys showing interest and saying they want to see you but then there’s no contact at all the entire week?! I’m leaning back and not making contact but I am SO F**KING tired of it! I’m so done. I just don’t seem to be able to meet men who are anything but non committal and players and chicken s***s. I feel so done. And then there’s ex H who seems to be doing the most contacting lately and I have no clue why. I really don’t feel like talking to him. Uuuuggghhh!

  146.  #146Azure Blu on December 19, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    I feel sooo excited reading this…
    “I really don’t feel like talking to him… Uuuuuggghhh!”
    YOU have come sooo far!!! such a Siren!

    Yes, I’m online dating and there are those guys that say they want to see you and then…???
    I use it as a good opportunity… and I know you do this…
    IF THEY DO CONTACT ME… to use feeling messages
    I feel happy to hear from you… etc
    It’s too early to expect too much contact…
    For me… I Make sure I am CDing more than 1!!
    That helps me to not get too disappointed in what any of them are doing…

  147.  #147Violet on December 19, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    @ 141: lovetodance, Wow! I feel honored that anyone would take my words as inspiration! It warms my heart and that’s a good feeling to have.

    I’m understanding the feelings I have when I lean back and when I lean forward.

    When I lean back; I feel relaxed. I’m not thinking about anything. I’m just living in the moment, enjoying the experience, being myself, accepting the flow of positive energy flowing out of me and embracing who I am. I’ve come to realize that I really like who I am. I’m the type of person ‘I’ would want to be around!

    I actually feel people reacting to that attitude with smiles, by talking, saying that I look like I’m having so much fun. (I am having fun!)

    When I lean forward, I feel like I’m forcing myself to do, be, or act. It drains my energy. People react to that as well because it shows on my face, how I carry myself, etc… I wouldn’t want to be around someone like that.

    My new motto is: ”Project what you want to get.”

    Some of you may have read, ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’, ‘The Laws of Attraction’, and/or ‘The Bible.’ My new motto is based on the philosophies contained in those books and by my desire to shape myself into the type of person I want to be.

    I see Rori as a lady who has recognized our possibilities and wants us to recognize and embrace them as well.

    Thank you for reading this and for your feedback,

    Violet @-;–

  148.  #148Violet on December 19, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    I am woman; hear me roar! (ROAR!!!) Can you tell I’m on my ‘high horse’ right now!? I LOVE being a woman!

    I feel so empowered right now!! I feel like a Queen Bee attracting a hive of men around me. Ahhhh!!! It feels wonderful to flirt and have fun!

    This weekend will be filled with singles’ Christmas dances galore. Bring them on, baby!

    Hugs to all you goddesses of femininity! Now; go out and conquer the world! Whoo Hoo!!

  149.  #149lovetodance on December 19, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    148 you make me giggle and say…’you are adorable’
    i hope you attending the parties with bells on your toes….

    cuz you could pull it off girl!

  150.  #150lovetodance on December 19, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    146 azure

    good to hear your check in about this azure….feels good to know where you at!

    i get the feeling of energy moving within you/ alot of positive energy….maybe not all in the direction you want….and yet , yes….in the direction of uncovering, practicing, being how you want to feel…precious shifting of old habitual into the forming of new earth….make sense?

    much love to you bright siren!

  151.  #151maryapple on December 28, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    The right time is always now! Because we all change, our inner world alters, and thus our preferences change too. And “Mr. Right” need to change day to day, inside himself. In other words, we should develop, long for more, open new horizons. And the right person should do the same. Together we’re powerful and happy. Many people find soul-mates at http://kovla.com Try it, maybe your destiny is waiting! Good luck!

  152.  #152Jamee on December 30, 2014 at 4:24 am

    137: sallye thompson


    I do not know if you have figured something out yet, or have gone on from this situation, but…I can totally relate to how you were feeling…confused, huh?

    From my understanding of what Rori is saying is that whenever your man moves forward, in any nice way, the next move is yours – we can actually do at this point and our “doing” is to be genuinely appreciative, verbally – with words or even better sounds – ahhhhhhhhhhhh, physically with a hug or soft caressing touch on his arm, etc. Our softness, our appreciation I feel is always accepted appreciatively if it is given after his gift – whatever it is.

    Love, Jamee

  153.  #153Molly on January 20, 2015 at 6:46 am

    Dear Rori,
    I love your programs and have listened to them and encouraged other women to do the same. I have a question for you that I just can’t figure out and I don’t know what’s keeping me stuck. I am with a great guy who is emotionally available, wants to marry me, has two great kids, and is kind, thoughtful, funny, and smart. Here’s the issue . . . he was a stay-at-home dad for 10 years before his divorce. . . picked up some habits of drinking (sometimes to excess) every night . . . .and now is trying to start his own contract business . . but so far he is still in the marketing stage and hasn’t made income in a year. His ex-wife pays him 1/2 her salary to watch the kids and he considers this his “income.” I have a professional job and earn a decent income. I am scared to leave him and scared to stay. I also have two beautiful children and know he would be kind and supportive to them — which is important after my rough 16 year marriage and the influences of their controlling dad. (they haven’t met him yet). We’ve been together exclusively for 1 year. What to do???

  154.  #154Molly on January 20, 2015 at 6:49 am

    Dear Rori,
    I love your programs and have listened to them and encouraged other women to do the same. I have a question for you that I just can’t figure out and I don’t know what’s keeping me stuck. I am with a great guy who is emotionally available, wants to marry me, has two great kids, and is kind, thoughtful, funny, and smart. Here’s the issue . . . he was a stay-at-home dad for 10 years before his divorce. . . picked up some habits of drinking (sometimes to excess) every night . . . .and now is trying to start his own contract business . . but so far he is still in the marketing stage and hasn’t made income in a year. His ex-wife pays him 1/2 her salary to watch the kids and he considers this his “income.” I have a professional job and earn a decent income. I am scared to leave him and scared to stay. I also have two beautiful children and know he would be kind and supportive to them — which is important after my rough 16 year marriage and the influences of their controlling dad. (My kids haven’t met my boyfriend yet because I’m still not sure and don’t want them to get attached.) We’ve been together exclusively for 1 year. I don’t feel I can be with other men at the same time. My boyfriend is a very gentle soul. What to do???

  155.  #155Rori Raye on January 21, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Molly – To me, you may not have a “sexy” situation – but a great, logical, practical one! He’s wonderful, he likes being with kids and will take care of YOURS, too! His ex pays him, so he’s not penniless, and he’s about to go into business. He sounds like a winner to me on THAT score – he just doesn’t look like it to you. The drinking – you don’t say if it’s wine and beer, or if he actually gets drunk. That’s something different. You’ll need to see if he’s in the “excess” and “alcoholic” category – or if it’s recreational drinking that he can curb FOR YOU! Love, Rori

  156.  #156Molly on January 22, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Dear Rori,

    Thank you SO much for your reply to my query about staying with a great man who is trying to get on his feet financially after 10 years as a stay-at-home dad.

    I definitely have some trust issues about people making major life changes.

    (I stayed with a toxic abuser for 16 years–waiting for him to make good on his promises to change –until I hit 40 and saw the impact on my kids–then I left. . . It was a harrowing experience that I am now trying to transform into a coaching book to help other women who either “fall through the cracks of DV services” or who are sidelined because of their education and/or income — to “get out.”) At the same time, I was in this severely dysfunctional marriage, I was highly functioning in my career and as a mom.

    Anyway, I agree that the “sexy” factor . . . the “x” factor that comes with the salary — was what was keeping me from committing. It makes a lot of sense.

    Whereas this guy has everything I want emotionally, I kept focusing on what he doesn’t have.

    My second question related to this is: I don’t know when to introduce my 2 girls (6-8)?

    Should I wait until he gets on his feet financially to make sure this is actually going to happen ?

    or should I go for it as he will bring a lot of love and light into their lives (as will his great kids!) ?

    Thank you SO much! I was THRILLED to get your replay :):):). You helped me SO much (as did all of your CDs! I listened to them in the car :)!).