When Asking Questions Is Actually “Prompting” – And Won’t Go Well With Him….

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030-220Some men  (actually, MANY men… often MOST men… and now I’m beginning to believe ALL men…) dread the feeling of “questions” coming at them

It feels like an interview.

Often, like an interrogation.

Often, like an interrogation from their mother.

He says: “I’m off work tomorrow…”

You say: “Oh, are you going bike riding?”

And he freezes. Per usual. No answer. No intake of breath. Just….falling off the earth…


For us – questions aren’t “simple, innocent questions.”

In fact – one part of the 3rd Rule of my core Tool “The Four Rules” is “Don’t ask the innocent question…”

Some of the time – we’re really, truly curious.

We’re asking questions because we’re interested. We’re fascinated.

It’s like “Tell me more…”

Only – our questions don’t come out like “Tell me more” – they come out like agenda-driven interrogations….

It’s as though, behind the question, there’s something else.

Resentment, a need to fill up space in the conversation, jealousy, guilt, blame, attack…all kinds of emotions that result in a sort of “passive-aggressive” question – without being directly “passive-aggressive.”

The emotion and the hidden agenda are often so far underneath our words – even WE don’t know what’s going on underneath…

But he can FEEL it.

He knows, like he knew when his MOTHER asked him those kind of questions, what you’re heading for.

Even if you don’t.

So – get him talking this way:

Learn to use guttural sounds – oooo and ahhhh and ohhhhh.

Learn to keep it about your feelings, instead of your thoughts, opinions, or any brain activity at all.

Learn to keep it short and sweet. Both.

Instead of:

Him: “I’m off tomorrow.”

You: “Oh nice – are you going bike riding?”

Him: “Yeah.”

You: “I know how you love bike riding.”


Your BEST move would be: “Ooooooo…nice……”

That’s IT!!!

The moment you start adding a QUESTION – he backs off.

He just doesn’t respond from your PROMPTING him!!!

Think about it – isn’t this what a computer game does? PROMPT? Ask these kinds of questions?

Think about “Hal” or space-age Artificial Intelligence.

They’re trained to GET information…and that might be great with some other man – another man might construe that as interest – but likely not YOUR man.

STICK to the guttural sounds, grunts, ooos and ahhhs and very, very short responses.


Do NOT ask questions or make assumptions.

Try doing something ELSE while you’re on the phone with him:

Sewing, embroidering, petting the cat or dog or bird, drinking tea, cleaning out a drawer, going through old photographs…

If you’re cleaning out a drawer, you may just tune out if there’s silence from him, and not even feel concerned!

You add value to a man by responding to him favorably, and by being able to keep up with a conversation about something HE starts, and is interested in.

If he says: (fill in the blank here…), instead of asking what he’s going to “do” about it…. just go….“ooooo…nice….” or “ooooo….bummer…”

…and then, if he says more: “…oooo…feels like a great idea….”

Don’t ever say: “I know how you….” about anything – because men do NOT respond to what we “think” we know about them.

STOP asking questions. Just ooo and ahhh and sigh in a sexy way, and listen to him (even if he’s not talking) and doodle so you aren’t paying all that much attention to him….(or make tea, or putter around, or clean a drawer, or dust something…..)

Just think about giving him space.

Every time you ask a man a question, he feels like he has to respond.

Please DON’T EVERY INITIATE ANYTHING if your man is close-mouthed, or unresponsive, or silent, or difficult or challenging in ANY way!

Asking a question is initiating. Don’t do it.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Iris on November 13, 2014 at 7:48 am

    This is interesting to me, and this post makes me feel curious, and even a bit confused. I’ve been with my man for 9 months now, and I had been communicating with him differently than with my ex-boyfriend—using a lot of feeling messages, and asking a lot of less questions. I have noticed though that with my man, if I don’t say more than “oooh, nice,” or “wow, that would feel great” he thinks I’m not interested in what he has to say. He anticipates me carrying on the conversation. I know this, because I can feel it. When I don’t carry on the conversation is when he stops cold. It’s only when I ask him questions, and show interest does he continue to share with me his thoughts and feelings.
    I don’t know if it’s because we’ve known each other for a long time; or that he’s a different kind of man. He actually talks a lot for a guy! Or maybe he can vibe that I don’t have an agenda. Or maybe I am misunderstanding this technique of communicating.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 13, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Something to really be aware of

  3.  #3Natalina on November 13, 2014 at 9:12 am

    YES, I love this post, and Happy Thursday Sirens!!!

    we do a ton of work to get out of our heads, and then a lot of time feel like we hit a wall once words are involved.

    lets try feeling sounds more often, explore that…. love it, love it, love it!

  4.  #4Andrea on November 13, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Oh my gosh Yes!! i remember an epic argument I had with my ex. He left me in bed one morning and was gone, I believed, from his house for about two hours. When he re-appeared he had a cup of coffee.

    I had never seen him drinking coffee before.
    I asked an “innocent” question: Where did you get that coffee?
    And he clammed up.

    Now I see… All of my insecurities and fears and assumptions (which were correct by the way) that he was seeing someone else was behind that one little “innocent” question.

    I was so shaken and angry that he couldn’t answer where he got the coffee that I just went off on him. He clammed up even more.

    Now I know why. Where he got the coffee wasn’t really important. What I really wanted to know: Why are you cheating on me? Why do I feel so insecure around you and our relationship? Why aren’t I good enough for you? Why havent’ you asked me to marry you or move in with you?

    hahahah…. really!!!! All wrapped up in my innocent little question. hmmmmmmm!!

  5.  #5Natalina on November 13, 2014 at 10:13 am

    @Andrea –

    wow, I love your new realizations!

    Awesome Awareness You Are Coming Into- Slather Love alllll over it, this is just the begining for you are going to continue to get into that new way of relating, and loving 🙂

    Hurray for you!!!

    Love, Natalina

  6.  #6lovetodance on November 13, 2014 at 11:11 am

    and i wonder

    how do you ask….without them clamming up…?

    why or are you cheating on me?
    why do i feel so insecure around you and our relationship?
    why haven’t you asked me to move in with you or marry you?

    this to me is the sublime art of what is being taught here….and i feel there are probably many steps [or not] leading up to this conversation or not having the conversation and assuming they are not going to step up which to me is also a dangerous step…

    some input or ideas or reflections would feel good to have….

    maybe because i tend to be in my head i am starting to feel alittle paranoid about ever asking a question….i know the idea is how and when and why…..one asks the questions….i just feel i may need a lobotomy if i am to have a successful relationship with a man….i am partially serious here….

  7.  #7CurvySiren10 on November 13, 2014 at 11:13 am

    I feel queasy thinking about censoring myself so I don’t ask questions. That feels awful and stifling and fake. I have questions a lot. I am curious about things. I can’t imagine having to oooh and ahh and grunt in lieu of asking things that I genuinely want to know. I don’t get this. It feels like walking on eggshells. No thanks.

  8.  #8Iris on November 13, 2014 at 11:18 am

    @ Curvy Siren,

    I know what you mean. Actually, I used to vocalize a lot of “ooh” and “ahh”s and my man actually felt that “fake” energy.

  9.  #9Indigo on November 13, 2014 at 11:45 am


    I’m with you. I was chatting to D on Sunday on Skype and he said he was shattered, so without even thinking, I asked him, did you go out this weekend?

    I caught myself afterwards, thinking I’d done something “wrong”, that maybe it came across like I was checking up on him, and I felt momentarily bad. But later on I thought, hang on a minute, it’s absolute nonsense for me to feel bad about this. I just asked a question. The same question I would likely have asked of a girlfriend in the exact same situation. I am not going to be so afraid of saying words and of speaking that I start to feel bad about innocent little slips of the tongue in normal conversation. I wasn’t accusing him of anything, nor did it ever cross my mind that he was doing anything wrong, so I just let it go. I’m not going to put such a rein on myself that I’m too afraid to speak.

    There’s one aspect I do agree with Rori on though:
    “Please DON’T EVER INITIATE ANYTHING if your man is close-mouthed, or unresponsive, or silent, or difficult or challenging”

    In that situation it’s best to just give the man space, as trying to get anything from such a man feels like pushing which usually backfires.

  10.  #10CurvySiren10 on November 13, 2014 at 11:58 am

    I agree Indigo. Completely. There are times and instances always, where it’s better to read their signals and back off especially with questions that might come off as invasive. But in every day life??? Sorry…asking questions often means getting to know someone better. Genuine curiosity sparks so much goodness between people. I will never censor myself and grunt or use sound effects as a ‘method’ to make my man feel good. I personally think that MY man enjoys my inquisitive nature and would think I’d gone a bit nuts if I starting ooh-ing and ahh-ing rather than intelligently conversing with him. lol

  11.  #11Victoria on November 13, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Just one thing.

  12.  #12lovetodance on November 13, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I truely understand being clear about what is our intent in asking questions….

    and i get how important timing is and being aware of the energy and will this question serve or hinder…..

    but as curvey siren put it so well ….to make it a rule to always respond with ‘ohhh and ahhh and grunt in lieu of a question’ does sound back to cave man days when we just got use to being pulled by the hair into the cave….

    ohhhh ohhhh my sarcasm is evident today….i feel frustrated…..i love my being …which is feeling things and questioning things…i want to find out about who i am relating to….

    and for sure i do not want to interrogate
    or be like a parent
    or boss
    or someone who has power over

    but part of what makes me unique and i feel lovable… is my ability to ask questions…to care about someone enough to know their thought / feeling process…

    i feel it all comes down to be aware of why/ how we are asking….

  13.  #13CurvySiren10 on November 13, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    “and for sure i do not want to interrogate
    or be like a parent
    or boss
    or someone who has power over

    but part of what makes me unique and i feel lovable… is my ability to ask questions…to care about someone enough to know their thought / feeling process…”

    Nicely said lovetodance.
    This post just doesn’t resonate with me at all as a way to draw my man to me. Sorry for those who disagree and no disrespect to Rori, but …um, no. 🙂

  14.  #14Rori Raye on November 13, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Iris – that’s it – asking questions out of real curiosity is a very different thing than asking questions because you want to “get close.” Or even just “have a conversation.” Love, Rori

  15.  #15CurvySiren10 on November 13, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Iris…8. Yes! Mine is all over anything fake. He sees right through it. And I thought it’s all about being authentic anyway. i have an issue with anything that discourages me from just being authentic ME, including squashing my innate curious nature so I don’t upset the apple cart. Frankly, I don’t want to be in a relationship where that is a prerequisite.

  16.  #16Tee on November 13, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Sorry for barging in. Im new here and trying to make sense of things. I’m a 40 year old stay at home mom. My son is 14 months old. I’m in a relationship with his father who I’ve known since high school. It was not a steady relationship at some points, but over the past 4 years we’ve kinda gotten it together. 

    The problem is that I feel that I’ve been driving this relationship for too long and I’m tired. I feel taken for granted, taken advantage of and just ignored at times. During our high school days, he chased me. I had my own friends and life, I was never really concerned about him (Eric) because I was convinced we wouldn’t last anyway. I ended up falling in love. Eventually, I moved to another city (not too far) and it seemed like my self esteem took a dive and I made Eric my world. 

    I chased him until I got him. I believe he would have come my way but I had no faith and no patience. Fast forward to today and there are days when I’m not sure if he Really loves me or wants to be here. He’s financially irresponsible, stubborn and hangs out too late sometimes. 

    I’ve tried yelling, threatening, talking to him, etc to no avail. Some days I fantasize about changing the locks and being done with him. Then, I think about our son and I feel my heart sink. I do love Eric but I don’t know what else to do. I think he believes that since he’s not cheating, that he should be able to just come and go. Some days he’s courteous enough to give me a heads up, other days, I feel like he’s just purposely being a jerk just so he can still feel like his own man, if that makes any sense. 

    All I do is wonder about him, where he is, what he does, will he disappoint me again, etc. I’m not working at the moment, I’m overweight, unmotivated and not so much fun. 

    I don’t want to break up my family but I need a plan of action for this man. I feel stupid for allowing so many things to go on. What I want is for him to step up to the plate, stop hanging out so much, find a better way to handle money, just grow up lol

    I have to add that I believe Eric has a touch of adhd so he always needs something to do and he seems to have a hard time sitting still. He’s also very outgoing, likes to joke around, goof off, make people laugh and have a good time. He’s great with our son, he loves to cook and clean. He was also the first to tell me he loved me and he use to always ask me to marry him. 

    The last time he mentioned marriage, it was in a joking way. I do want to get married but I feel like I need there to be some serious changes. I feel like I’m just a glorified roommate! No its not always like this. Actually, I think half of it is my perception. I’m an introvert, so when he’s home and we’re eating, laughing, watching movies, etc, I feel secure, safe and loved.

    When he goes out with friends or does anything without me lol I feel insecure. Yes I know I’m probably codependent as well. Gotta work on that. Sorry for the novel but I wanted to give you as much information as I could. 

    Thanks, Tee

  17.  #17Tee on November 13, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Sorry for barging in. I’m new here and trying to make sense of things. I’m a 40 year old stay at home mom. My son is 14 months old. I’m in a relationship with his father who I’ve known since high school. It was not a steady relationship at some points, but over the past 4 years we’ve kinda gotten it together. 

    The problem is that I feel that I’ve been driving this relationship for too long and I’m tired. I feel taken for granted, taken advantage of and just ignored at times. During our high school days, he chased me. I had my own friends and life, I was never really concerned about him (Eric) because I was convinced we wouldn’t last anyway. I ended up falling in love. Eventually, I moved to another city (not too far) and it seemed like my self esteem took a dive and I made Eric my world. 

    I chased him until I got him. I believe he would have come my way but I had no faith and no patience. Fast forward to today and there are days when I’m not sure if he Really loves me or wants to be here. He’s financially irresponsible, stubborn and hangs out too late sometimes. 

    I’ve tried yelling, threatening, talking to him, etc to no avail. Some days I fantasize about changing the locks and being done with him. Then, I think about our son and I feel my heart sink. I do love Eric but I don’t know what else to do. I think he believes that since he’s not cheating, that he should be able to just come and go. Some days he’s courteous enough to give me a heads up, other days, I feel like he’s just purposely being a jerk just so he can still feel like his own man, if that makes any sense. 

    All I do is wonder about him, where he is, what he does, will he disappoint me again, etc. I’m not working at the moment, I’m overweight, unmotivated and not so much fun. 

    I don’t want to break up my family but I need a plan of action for this man. I feel stupid for allowing so many things to go on. What I want is for him to step up to the plate, stop hanging out so much, find a better way to handle money, just grow up lol

    I have to add that I believe Eric has a touch of adhd so he always needs something to do and he seems to have a hard time sitting still. He’s also very outgoing, likes to joke around, goof off, make people laugh and have a good time. He’s great with our son, he loves to cook and clean. He was also the first to tell me he loved me and he use to always ask me to marry him. 

    The last time he mentioned marriage, it was in a joking way. I do want to get married but I feel like I need there to be some serious changes. I feel like I’m just a glorified roommate! No its not always like this. Actually, I think half of it is my perception. I’m an introvert, so when he’s home and we’re eating, laughing, watching movies, etc, I feel secure, safe and loved.

    When he goes out with friends or does anything without me lol I feel insecure. Yes I know I’m probably codependent as well. Gotta work on that. Sorry for the novel but I wanted to give you as much information as I could. 

    Thanks, Tee

  18.  #18IamHis on November 13, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Hi, Natalina. 🙂 I still feel so bad for cancelling on you last minute like that. I feel very thankful for your help and patience.

    Not asking questions feels so difficult! Feeling curious is still okay though, eh?

    I feel so…I don’t know what I feel.

    I feel lonely and embarrassed having moved back with my parents.

    I feel a little dissatisfied with my new job, but it pays the few bills I have while still living at home.

    Of course, one of my coworkers is a gorgeous younger guy. I feel relieved that he is not married!

    Getting into a routine here would l good. I’ve been in a sort of weird unemployed, limbo.

    I feel unsure about New Guy. Two hours away only leaves weekends to spend time together, and even though he touches base every day, I feel a little disconnected.

    It would feel good to meet more men. It felt like there were a lot more where I was living before. That feels sad.

    It’s also much colder here and it gets dark earlier. It would feel good to find a new physical activity. I need to connect with some girlfriends too.

    I’ve been feeling pretty disconnected from old friends here. I feel myself putting up walls with guys that I knew before here, & even with girlfriends.

    I feel so uncertain about my life, & almost feel afraid to get attached to anyone because of that. That feels sad. I’ve gotten so used to goodbyes. That feels sad. It feels like either people leave me or I have to leave them.

    A hug and some hot soup broth would feel amazing right now!

  19.  #19IamHis on November 13, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Hi, Tee! Do you have any of Rori’s programs? Although I’m not a SAHM myself, I have a couple of close friends back where I used to live, & just from observing, I can see that it’s one of the toughest jobs out there! Especially with a baby!

    It seems as though you are super focused on your man. However, if you desire connection, the best way to get it is to focus on YOU! Your needs, your feelings and emotions, and especially your passions. 🙂

    I know that that is incredibly difficult when taking care of a small child, but I’ve heard over and over that setting aside time to focus on YOU is on

  20.  #20IamHis on November 13, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    *one of the best things you can do for yourself, your child, & your relationship.

    Rori recently created an all new program especially for Moms that you might want to check out.

    Until then, I would love to “hear” about the emotions you are feeling: angry, scared, sad, or better ones; hopeful, optimistic, curious?

    Also, there’s a tool around here called “circular dating.” You can read all about it here on the blog in the archives. Good luck!

  21.  #21lovetodance on November 13, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    hello tee,

    just want to welcome you here and thank you for the effort you have put forth in getting on the new thread [twice!] and reaching out…

    i feel iamhis had alot of good suggestions for you…about rori’s new work focusing on mom’s…and the concept of circular dating….where the world is your date…including men, women, nature…yourself…falling in love with yourself over and over again….so as to gain perspective on who you are and what you need and most importantly how you are the gift….

    yes…..not easy to believe at some points….especially when we feel we just aren’t getting it from who we want it….but thats just the thing….
    we have to learn to give it to ourselves first….
    so without being to advice driven here….because i myself am so in learning mode..
    i just wanted to welcome you and encourage you to keep looking inward….stay on the blog …look at rori’s u tubes if you haven’t already….. and know that positive change is quite possible and probable…

  22.  #22Tee on November 13, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Ugh so sorry for the multiple posts! I’m on my cell phone and it kept stalling on me. I’m off to read comments and respond back appropriately.

  23.  #23Natalina on November 13, 2014 at 7:35 pm


    wow, I so hear you on all of this- and with all of it, I also hear a shift, a new hope in this “wilderness time” you are experiencing.

    to me, it feels amazing to see-

    so about asking questions- I hear you on that part feeling difficult, especially the confusion with it being OK to be curious… like,” what?! what does that even mean!? ”

    and all of this, this post, everything we talk about with “leaning back” and Staying in your feminine energy is about efforting. (the 4 rules that lead to lifelong attraction and commitment)

    if you are asking the questions- you are efforting. (do you see it?)

    if you are being curious about WHY HE did something, or any of HIS business… you are efforting …

    so what is YOUR business then?
    1. what you want
    2. how you feel

    when you step outside of that realm- you have to lean forward- and are ultimately no longer the predominant feminine energy in the relationship. (make sense?)

    then communicate your pleasure, your understanding…your appreciation as simply as possible. (the melodical lull of Ahhh…. oohhhh…. woah… ha!… )

    these are very earthy sounds, get curious about how you feel when you use them!

    start paying attention to how he responds when you relate using these “earthy sounds” -get curious about if YOU like this new way of relating…

    are you able to LISTEN/HEAR him on a deeper level? (get curious about how connected you FEEL)

    do you see how this is coming together?

    be curious about what YOU are feeling
    be curious about what YOU want
    get curious about where you are…. and YOUR stuff.

    I can say this post is not about DONT ask questions- it is about speaking from “your only business is…” place, staying in your feminine while doing it, and cultivating attraction as outlined in the 4 rules.

    so… the “innocent question” : “hey, honey….why is …..”

    underneath the words, HE picks up that you really don’t care about what your words suggest- he FEELS the alternative motives going on, your energy is asking for much much more that he even knows he wants to deal with-

    do you see/feel what I mean by that?

    so when a woman asks, “who just called?” or other similar

    he hears, “I am feeling insecure, and I am about to make your life miserable with trying to get you to prove you love ME the most in your entire life”

    naturally, the end result is far from ideal when we respond and try to relate with the important people in our lives that way.

    I am super happy to see your post iamhis, and just see all the fabulous opportunities for love opening up in front of you- PERHAPS even as a direct gift of getting so close to these feelings of embarrassment, uncertainty, and even or especially the fear.

    You are touching these parts of yourself, so it will be easy for you to love your embarrassment, love your uncertainty, LOVE your fear… and then you will have it- you will then be 1000 times closer to the love you want.

    you are some serious kind of awesome 😉

    Sending you Hugs and Love,

  24.  #24IamHis on November 13, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    ((((Natalina)))) – Thank you so much! I feel so moved and teary. 🙂

  25.  #25Millie on November 13, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel so triggered and hurt and spiraling downnnnnn. I can’t stop crying and bawling, it’s like my emotions are out of control. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, just for some reason I feel very extreme. I’m angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, annoyed, I feel like I can’t communicate. I hate being shut out. I hate feeling not heard. I hate feeling rejected and unwanted.
    I just wish I didn’t exist right now.

  26.  #26IamHis on November 13, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    ((((Millie)))) Try eating some avocados or dark chocolate to boost those serotonin levels. & be sure to be extra sweet and gentle to yourself.

  27.  #27Indigo on November 13, 2014 at 9:04 pm


    Your post on the previous thread triggered so many things for me, about my family, about my need for autonomy, my need for respect for my space… it felt very affirming to read about your experiences, so thank you.

  28.  #28Indigo on November 13, 2014 at 9:07 pm


    I posted a response to you 2 or 3 threads back where I said I felt that I think the biggest thing you might want to start working on is feeling good in your life. Getting more pleasure. More interests, more fun activities, more passions… and feeling good and loving about yourself. These feelings will start to spill over into your relationship….

  29.  #29Indigo on November 13, 2014 at 9:11 pm


    I remember many days of feeling that way when I was a bit younger, it rarely happens to me to that extreme extent any more, so all I will say to you is please take comfort in the fact that these feelings WILL pass. You are doing so well and as time goes on you will have days like this less and less.

    Feelings are like water and they flow, they do not stick around forever. They will ALWAYS move eventually, and faster if you can try and look at them in an atmosphere of love.

  30.  #30Tee on November 13, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Thanks Indigo 🙂

  31.  #31Tee on November 13, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks again, Iamhis. No I don’t have any of Rori’s programs yet but I do look forward to having it very soon. Yes, I tend to over focus on people that I love very much. So much so that when I’m left to my own devices lol I can become bored because there’s no one to focus on. I do tell myself that my son deserves a Whole mother. Someone who loves him very much but still takes care of herself. I don’t want to over focus on him because it’s not fair and with him being a little mover and shaker already lol he’s bound to require more independence and I have to be accepting of that eventually.

    These days I’m feeling hopeful, curious, excited, and impatient.
    I do love the concept of circular dating, especially with myself and whoever I come in contact with. Since reading the threads on this blog, I’m noticing so many things about myself. I move through life like every thing is an errand. I rarely stop to chat or take in the environment. I noticed that I lean forward when I’m anxious, nervous, bored or when it’s too quiet. Hard for me to just be. I’m very much in my boy energy moreso than I initially thought. It’s not the best feeling.

    I am beginning to move outside of my comfort zone in some ways. A friend of mine will be starting a book club within the next few weeks, and I joined. I recently, on a whim , submitted a short story to one of my favorite online sites. They were looking for interns and there were plenty of other perks that went along with being accepted. I wasn’t sure I had a chance but as it turns out, I’m one of 12 women out of thousands who made it! I’m so happy, shocked and psyched that I was chosen! I also started a teeny tiny part time job. It’s not breaking the bank but it’s a start and I’m also doing a daycare tour tomorrow.

    I’m feeling guilty for thinking about putting my son in daycare, feels like I’m saying that I don’t want him. That’s not true. He’s 14 months old and he needs to branch out, learn, grow, play, interact with other people. He’s curious and very active. I can’t hold him back simply because I’ll miss him. I’m feeling scared though but he needs to learn other types of social skills. I hope I don’t cry too much. Anyways, I think this is all I have to say for now. I will keep reading the blog and learning. Can’t wait until I can get myself a coach.

    I love that Natalina is on the thread. She’s awesome, spoke to her last week.

  32.  #32Millie on November 13, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    Thanks Iamhis and Indigo,

    I think maybe my levels are off as you suggest Indigo. I haven’t felt this off balance in awhile. Perhaps its a combination of things..the horse I’ve been riding might be leaving the barn. The owner has a prospective buyer and its killing me to think of losing him. I know horses are probably like men, there’s always another one, but I feel I have a special relationship with this one…. and I’m feeling anger around the fact that I am unable to afford him. I’m unable to afford a lot of things and that stress is probably carrying over into my ability to cope with my emotions. Good reason to eat some avocado and dark chocolate though!!!

  33.  #33SportySmile on November 13, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    I love You Rori.XOXO

  34.  #34Natalina on November 14, 2014 at 12:38 am

    Wow wow wow, there are so many Positive Loving Siren Voices here today!!!

    @Tee, I love your determination- I can so just feel your power. and I totally back up what Iamhis mentions about taking care of you.

    that is at the very top of the list for best things to do to attract, get, and keep the men and relationships we want.

    I just love that fire you have and already see how things are settling into place to help you get your mojo back…or meet that mojo inside you upfront and personally for the first time.

    do you see how already, your life is unfolding to make way- make room for the love, the life that you want?
    heehee… it pretty much makes the tools and rori’s system look like magic.

    and that is in all areas of your life. (work, family, friends, lovers…etc, etc…)

    so there is so much more to come where you are talking about, and I am so looking forward to seeing the fabulous things- extraordinary relationships unfold.

    and one other thing about the guilt that comes up-
    this may sound a little crazy, but just pour lots of love on that guilt.

    imagine it (the guilt) as it is inside you, and just visualize yourself drenching it in a love potion of sorts…

    when I hear you say you feel guilty about the situation, I also hear the love you have for both yourself and your son.

    when I hear you talk about this guilt… what I hear is that it would feel good to you to be with him more- that it would feel good to explore life and these brand new experiences with him.

    that is a beautiful desire.

    guilt, and other “bad” feelings, can get confusing sometimes when we are kicking ourself into high gears to “just get by”

    but you are doing fantastic, and only getting better!. the fact that you are even here, is proof enough of that…

    Siren Island as I have Heard Azure Blue call this online community, is full of vibrant, passionate, in-it-to-win-it for love, type women; so I know for sure, you could not possibly be any less amazing.

    So Much Love to you Tee!


  35.  #35IamHis on November 14, 2014 at 1:04 am

    Feeling a little blog – happy tonight. Honestly, part of it is because I feel lonely. I ordered Christian Carter’s Make or Break moments. I always feel like I mess things up either in the very early stages of a relationship or towards the end of something long and undefined, which is by far the most painful. I feel kind of ache-y. 🙁

  36.  #36Kim on November 14, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Yep Curvy Siren, agree.
    Further, sometimes when we don’t ask questions, and particularly early on, some men assume it is ok to withold pivotal information such as that they are still living with an ex, or otherwise have life circumstances that are total dealbreakers for me.
    Through grunting, it is unlikely anyone will divulge any pivotal info unless it is something cutesy and pleasant.
    I have often been told that guys love to go out with me because I don’t interrogate.
    BUT it’s one thing being told you are easy to be with…and it’s another getting stuck in an unsuitable relationship because you were too afraid asking questions…and this has happened to me.
    Just sayin’

  37.  #37Azure Blu on November 14, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I am so there… I have been the gf who just lets things slide… Don’t ask important questions…
    and let things move forward…
    Yes… men (before Rori) have liked being with me cause I have let IMPORTANT questions go unanswered…

    What Natalina has been teaching me is to learn how to feel MY feelings when the man is making statements and say “I am feeling confused” and pause…
    “When you say—- I feel vulnerable and abandoned”
    and pause
    he may or may not say more…
    “I want a relationship where we spend some time on the weekends together”

    That way I now am addressing my feelings and wants but NOT pushing and shoving him…

    Then, as Labbitt, puts it so well… “he has the chance to be the masculine and either step up or not”
    and then lean back… :-))

    Now (since Rori) there are some questions I simply come out and ask … one of the BIG ones is
    “are you married?”
    “Do you have a girl friend”
    How long have you been divorced?
    When was your last relationship…
    Over the course of my dating I have learned these are VERY important things to know!!! :-))

  38.  #38Millie on November 14, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Feeling horrible again today, like I am the epitome of relationship mistakes. Feeling like no wonder I’m single, I push love away, I make all the mistakes Christian carter says not to do, I feel awful…. And scared and allowing my insecurities to take over. Scared that all men will run away from me. I don’t know where all this is coming from except from my patterns with men and my overwhelming feeling of failure with them. Can’t wait to go home and curl in my bed.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on November 14, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Kim I do believe Rori’s comment is mostly meant to be applied when one is already in a relationship with a man as opposed to when just meeting a man. Though when just meeting a man it can come across as a job interview if go into grilling him with questions. This in my humble opinion comes across as clearly having an agenda. If you lean back and listen to women do it you will see how icky it can feel. I also do believe even when asking early on there are some acceptable social queues that need to be observed as well as a feminine way to ask.

  40.  #40Indigo on November 14, 2014 at 9:26 am



    May I suggest talking these feelings through with a trusted friend/coach/family member to get some perspective, so that you start to see and believe that you are not a failure, that men do not run from you and that you haven’t made any serious mistakes?

    I say this because I have sometimes been prone to these thoughts myself. And they are so not the truth. But when you are all caught up in the weight of your emotions it can be very difficult to see that. Talking your feelings through with someone you trust not only lightens the load, you also get to see yourself through their eyes, which is invariably a lot more positive. You could do that with us here on the blog too…

    As I’m typing this, I think of all the times my mom, or Dominique, or my ex-husband (who is actually a dear and trusted friend) have been there for me when I’ve had a meltdown. Just to talk things through, to get my feelings out, to get another perspective, to feel their loving and affirming energy, it helps so much. It makes it feel bearable and not so bad.

  41.  #41Femininewoman on November 14, 2014 at 9:29 am


    It think it is partially coming up because your heart is opening up and you are feeling. So Yayyy you. I believe our heart is the seat of our emotions.

    “Feeling like no wonder I’m single” – this is a thought being used to beat you up by your inner critic. You can choose to tell her that is how you USED to think but that thought no longer serves you.

  42.  #42Labbit on November 14, 2014 at 10:39 am


    I am no fan of CC. I know that ‘harsh truth’ style works for a lot people, and I think his overall points are right on. However every time I get one of his newsletters from the RR subscription list I hear this little voice telling me I am stupid and his writing style feels mean to me. It comes across as ‘look at this woman, isn’t she dumb? who makes these mistakes? oh, YOU DO. let’s tell you about all the ways you’re messing up with men.’

    I don’t know, to me a lot of what CC says seems to directly contradict the things Rori preaches. Like loving yourself first, that you don’t change for a man — you grow for yourself and then radiate out that sunshine so a good man can find you, etc. I never get that message from a CC email. Though to be fair, I stopped reading them a couple of months ago because they left me feeling dubious afterwards. If you’re feeling low after reading it…that might be telling you something. I prefer Evan Marc Katz to Christian Carter. EMK is also straightforward but in a more personable way.

  43.  #43Kim on November 14, 2014 at 11:08 am

    37 Azure Blu, love LOVE that post.

    Interestingly, I haven’t had so many problems about the spending time with men because they tend to want to see me more than I want to see them (lol….I need a LOT of me time)
    But for other issues, these are great suggestions.
    I am also always unsure as to when it is time to walk away from what is a good man, but who is unable to step up and/or digs his heels in when I feel bad about something…like now with MoM or not just now, it has happened for a long time.
    I love to spend time with him, and I have been living moment to moment…but there comes a time when it just doesn’t feel enough.
    And I think this time is now.
    I have always been CDing…and although he didn’t like it, he didn’t seen to feel the wish/need to fully claim me.
    So i guess rather than keep spending nice moments with him, I should get off my backside and get more CD’s….pffffff.
    I feel lazy and so busy in other areas of my life…

  44.  #44prplpsn28 on November 14, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Who am I fooling?! I am upset now. When I reached out to H on Veterans day I truely felt ok with it and didn’t expect a response. However, he did respond. He even contacted me again that same day while he was on his lunch break. Talking like he always used to. Asking me what I’ve been up to. I responded to him but kept it simple and did not fill him in as to what I’ve been up to. And then a text from him again later that night asking if I was still up. I wasn’t. I was sleeping. I never replied. Haven’t heard from him again yet. And now it’s upsetting me. And now with the holidays and his birthday coming up I guess I can’t reach out. Having conversations like old times is too hard on me I guess. 🙁

  45.  #45Azure Blu on November 14, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Labbitt… #42
    Yes to Evan Mark Katz!!!

  46.  #46Azure Blu on November 14, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Purple #44
    How great is this, lovely Siren…
    You are noticing how you, interacting with H, makes YOU feel!!
    I’m thinking….that is YOU loving and caring about YOU…
    I bet your self esteem is soaring right about now!!!
    strength and courage to keep leaning back!!!oxoxo

  47.  #47Mistea1 on November 14, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    One of the things I noticed when I tried this on a trip I went on Tuesday is how relaxed and easy I was to get a long with both with myself and the people I interacted with. I have a big problem with stress and asking all those questions, trying to be ‘interesting,’ chatting to fill in the space, a cute little story, pumping for information, competition etc. takes a lot of energy! I think I could make this my way of life. Oooh, ahhh, ooo,could be just the ticket for me. Oh, by the way I did get to say what needed to be said and I got my questions answered. I got more information this way than I did doing it my way for sure. Think about it.

  48.  #48Mistea1 on November 14, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    (((( Kim ))) 43 I liked your comment about “when is it time to walk away from what is a good man but who can’t step up to the plate or digs in his heels”…..?
    The longer this lean back continues the less interest I am feeling. So far there is one major step up that needs to occur. The longer it’s put off the more I know it’s not important to him. I can get this done myself in other ways anyhow. Plus, for me the emotional pull is lessoning. I think the lean back idea is one of the best I’ve heard. I guess I have not been thinking clearly. For me this could be ego. I’ve never had a ‘failure’ yet. 🙂 Ouch.

  49.  #49Millie on November 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Indigo— yes my mom is a great person to talk to about how I feel…. But often times she is baffled by how low I feel. Like it is crazy to her because she sees me in such a different light than I see myself sometimes. I have been talking to my cousin a lot. She is close to my age and going through a lot if the same feelings. It’s really helpful to have her understanding and she has also blossomed in herself and I can hear how she has grown.

    Labbit–I do feel like sh** when I read CC emails!!! I feel like the finger is pointing at me for everything and I mentally prepare muself before reading them… Of cours I like to know what I could change and do better on with relationships, but yeah I am easily crushed by them. I’m like, I will never be the “cool girl.” Haha

    Femininewoman–yes!!! This is true!!! I am feeling and I have feelings!! It is amazing and what’s even more amazing is I shared how I felt with a man and he responded with such care and thoughtfulness. It melted me….

    I’m looking forward to this weekend and taking care of me! Thanks lovely ladies xx

  50.  #50Indigo on November 14, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Labbit 42,

    Out of interest, I don’t even read the Christian Carter emails. I delete them straight away. Doesn’t resonate for me whatsoever.

  51.  #51Kim on November 14, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Mistea..ahhh..it’s not a failure, just a preparation for something better to come 🙂

  52.  #52Labbit on November 14, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    49 Millie — Well there you go, LOL. Why allow someone else to participating in beating yourself up? I know you already know this…allow me to slip in a gentle reminder…we never stop changing. We never stop learning how to do relationship. Even Rori who’s been married for what, close to 30 years? More? Happily. And she’s here writing posts three times a week about something she had to face, and how surprised she was by the feelings she first felt and how she had to bring herself into the moment and breathe so she could do relationship instead of living in fear or anger or whatever?

    Love yourself lady. You’re a perfect you. There isn’t anywhere else you’re supposed to be. Life has its good days and its bad days for EVERYONE. That you can allow yourself to feel the lows and the highs is a good thing. You don’t have to punish yourself for having bad days, or ‘making a mistake’ or ‘messing something up.’ There’s no such thing as the last two anyway — it’s all just growing and learning.

    Sending you *hugs* and horsey hugs too. 🙂

  53.  #53Labbit on November 14, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    44 prplpsn28 — I want to be supportive of you…and I also wonder why you keep putting yourself in a position to experience rejection from H over and over again? I think it’s great that you can recognize that this doesn’t feel good…that’s the path out the pain. Have you considered deleting his number so that you can have closure? He’s not going to tell you to stop calling, or texting, or talking to him. Everytime he hears from you it’s an ego boost for him. It’s up to you to take control of your own life. And you’ve been doing so many wonderful things for yourself lately, like signing up for school! It’s so easy to support you in endeavors like that, and I’d imagine it feels pretty good for you too!

    It’s not easy, I know, when you still feel strongly for someone and it feels like there’s a chance that it could all work out. You are not alone in feeling this way…I’d bet most everyone here has gone through a similar experience with a man. It feels like death and those feelings are incredibly tough to experience, cope with, and heal from. You can do it though. If you allow the feelings to come and don’t resist them, or try to change them, or project them outwards you’ll heal all the faster. I feel sad when I see you hurting yourself over and over like this, and a little unsure what to say. I hope this does not hurt you. My wish for you is quick healing that’s as painless as possible. You deserve every happiness.

  54.  #54Lone Dove on November 14, 2014 at 2:40 pm


    Me and my man of 4 years have recently broken up, and he seems to have got over it quickly – putting all his time and attention into work and other people, and a young female friend.
    He and I have agreed to go on working together devising shows in which we perform together. We love our work. Yet, it feels so painful in my heart that he is suddenly so ‘businesslike’ only. I miss the personal closeness. It really feels like he has ‘checked out’ on me.

    I’m considering asking him for a period of time of no contact before we resume our joint projects. What do you think, Rori?
    I thought of saying “I still have feelings for you and I need some time for my heart to heal/detach from you before we continue working together”.

    Who knows, maybe he will miss me. But my main agenda is to give my sore heart a chance to heal whilst I circular date like crazy!!

  55.  #55prplpsn28 on November 14, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Azure and Labbit thank you. I appreciate the encouragement and input. Labbit…I would just like to clarify that this is the first time since H and I broke up that I reached out to him. He has always been the one reaching out to me. I only reached out this time because of his dad.

  56.  #56Gemini Goddess on November 14, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Today “monitoring” my leaning forward/leaning back FEELS like efforting. I feel exhausted. I feel stiff and unjuicy. I feel stand-offish. I feel like I’m missing the point. 🙁

  57.  #57Gemini Goddess on November 14, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Admitting it FEELS good.

  58.  #58Tee on November 14, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Thanks everyone! I’m feeling really Blah right now. Another fight over money with my man. It wasn’t horrible but I feel like we’re this broken record, we both say the same things over and over. You did this, you don’t do that etc yet we fall back into the same groove. Sure a little more information is disclosed that wasn’t there before but it’s still the same song. I’m feeling dumb for giving in Again, yet I’m also feeling like maybe I need to be gentle with myself? How do you ladies forgive yourselves and move on from making a mistake as you’re in a relearning process? I’m feeling like he’ll never respect me at the rate I’m going and we’re both doomed. I’m tired of giving, giving, giving. He talks a good game but things are lopsided. Ugh I need to get some RR materials fast! What should I get first?

  59.  #59Andrea on November 14, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    Responses to the remarks about CC and EMK: I stopped allowing those emails just cause like I’ve heard here I just didn’t resonate with any of them. I feel like at some point I may try a male perspective again but right now I really really love my emails that I get from Helena Hart. Man, I’m learning so much. She has such a succinct way of putting things and I just totally feel at home with her words.

    And oh Tee.. I so understand what you’re going through, just starting out, and I love that you’ve made up your mind to forgive yourself. We operate out of such habit. It took me about a year to catch my response and change my habit. I feel good about meeting new men now but I have such a hard time with the man I had my daughters with. I mean I have a hard time because I fall so quickly back into our locked in role of shame and argue and blame. I find myself with drawing from him, not because I’m mad at him, but I’m mad at myself for not being above my habitual response patterns with him.
    Luckily, my situation is that I can withdraw completely. He has access to our teen age daughters but not to me during my withdrawing times. And I do tell him: I need to withdraw from you for a time.

    (((Millie)))) I so love what Feminine Woman said about now that you’re allowing yourself to feel even deeper than before, you are feeling things that rock you even deeper. I go through that and then I know… ooohhh there’s a shift coming. I definitely feel so different and my life is in such a different place than when I first found RR and this site.

    I’ve learned patience and love for self and that I have the right to simply walk away from that which is continually making me feel bad, without explanation or justification.. just: I don’t feel good right now. And get it out of my life.

  60.  #60Andrea on November 14, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Amazing. I got to practice the exercise from this post last night.

    I like a guy. I mean one of those… I really like a guy! I like his smile, his ethics, his conversation, his body, his profession, his sons, his.. I could go on and on.

    But! He does not live in my city. I met him through contracts he has with the place I work. So he’s in my city about once every other week.

    Started with flirting. Then he asked for my number. He texted a couple times, then called and we had a smashing conversation over the phone. Then he asked me on a date.

    When he’s in town he doesn’t have access to a car. He comes in on the train and stays in the hotel and leaves on the train. Still, I told him I feel uncomfortable driving a man on a date. He agreed to meet me at a place that was equal distance from my home and the hotel.

    He texted me the day after our date as he was leaving my city to go to his home. Wanted to see me again.

    But then, no texts while he’s at his home. He texts me when he’s back in my city. The last time was in the morning of one of my days off. He came over to my house and we spent the day talking and drinking coffee and then he bought me lunch… it was so nice.

    Then he goes home again. And no contact while he’s not in my city. (starting to see a pattern here.)

    I like him but I don’t like the pattern. boo. Sad face. Cause when we are together it just feels wonderful.

    So, I was out of town for a good number of days… you know, Garth concert. And he texted me while I was away, just to check up on me. Made me feel good. And then back to nothing.

    So, this post came out, and the next evening, after not hearing from him for five days, I get a text. I have to admit I feel giddy when he contacts me. I feel so alive and happy.

    He texted and my response was: I feel so happy when I hear from you. I just feel so giddy right now that you are thinking about me. Thank you.
    (no questions about what he’s been up to, where he’s at, if he’s in my city)

    He said: I have to admit, I am always thinking about you in one capacity or another.

    (I wanted to know what he meant. I wanted him to call me and tell me that he is contemplating a relationship with me. I don’t know… I wanted him to say more.)

    But I just texted back: mmmmm My heart just did flip flops. I feel all quivering and just smiling right now from ear to ear.

    He said: I’m just fascinated by you. I love what you say when I text you. It’s always so well written. I love communicating with you. I love the way you articulate yourself.

    (you know… I wanted more. I want more from him. I want everything from him. I want more than texting when he’s close to my city. I want him to call me when he’s at home. I want him to drive here and take me out on a proper date. I want him to invite me to his city. And I want it all right now!!)

    But, there is this something that I’m learning. All of those intense feelings of wanting him, all of those needy giddy wonderful emotions, they come and go. And while yes I really was smiling and had that lift in my step, and the whole world seemed a little bit brighter, I also had this post to lean back on.

    I don’t have all that I want with him because he either can’t give it right now, or doesn’t want to give it right now. Either way, there is nothing, no words, texts, actions that I can take…. except lean back, accept without question what he can and is giving right now; Just a text every now and then. Trust that what he’s saying is true, that he is always thinking about me in some capacity. Hope that what he’s thinking is that he’d like to be closer to me.

    And so, I sent a text that showered him with my joy when he contacts me and didn’t ask for anything more, or prod him, or poke him, or try to question him about anything.

    And that’s it. A whole night since then and he hasn’t responded at all. I want more!!!!! But it will only feel perfectly right all over every part of my being, if he is ready and willing for more with me. If not, it’s forced. I’ve done the forced thing before. I wasn’t happy.

    Maybe this man is the man for me. Maybe not. But I really feel like I’m in the trenches with this one. I feel like he’s the first one I really Honestly WANT!! Not just for practice, or for flirting, or for hotty totty steamy physical stuff, or for ego strokes… but, I really feel a deep connection with him. Leaning back is like a battle with every instinct I’ve ever had when it came to men. Not asking questions, not prodding him, not poking him to see if I can get a little attention, not reminding him that I’m here.

    Thank goodness for this post. It was a great reminder and so timely.

  61.  #61Joy on November 14, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    My dad always told me “that if a man wants to talk to you he will call you, if he doesn’t call then obviously he isn’t worth your time.” I have found this to be very true, the more I focus on myself and not the man the more they wonder what I am doing. I don’t ask too many questions, and I find that because I don’t ask they tend to tell me more than if I had asked. I say keep them wondering what you are doing, keep them on their toes, and you will find them calling to see what you are up to. Have a bit of mystery about yourself. Men like the chase better than being chased.If they don’t call then they are not deserving of your time and someone else better will want to discover the mystery of who you are. Mom would also say “It’s better for the man to love you more than you love them.” That is also very true in my experience. Love yourself, be your own best friend and just keep flowing down the stream of life while watching the actions of the one you may have your eye on. I believe that you are only as good as your word backed up by your actions. Time always tells us the truth so be patient and enjoy all life has to offer!

  62.  #62IamHis on November 14, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Christian Carter made a comment that felt sooooooooo triggering. “Men are the laziest, & will put in the least amount of effort necessary…” Or something like that. I don’t want a lazy man! I don’t want to make it easy for him! I want him to work for me and to cherish me. I feel kinda weird saying this, but I feel kinda of suspicious of an unmarried “relationship expert.” I feel so judgmental.

    Also he won’t stop pacing! It feels maddening! To be fair, I would feel petrified as a single woman in front of a group of men, trying to teach them how to be more successful in relationships.

    I feel super judgmental and angry at men in general sometimes. I need to explore this. Watching the program, I feel triggered by him, a complete stranger. Why? I feel very suspicious of him. Why?

  63.  #63Andrea on November 14, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    ooohhh IamHis. I know what you mean. I started my whole journey with CC. And I felt very thrilled to be getting into the minds of men. I felt like I was getting the first hand knowledge.

    But something I realized after I stumbled upon RR was that my healing needed to start with getting into the mind, heart, emotions, feelings of Andrea. And then, the more I began to know and then understand and then really love me, the more my relationships with others (including men) began to improve.

    RR made my relationships with others more about me, than about men.

    I do remember CC saying that one of the first things a male notices is a woman’s confidence. I think my time with RR’s tools has built that up in me so much that I don’t even think about being confident anymore, I just am.

  64.  #64lovetodance on November 14, 2014 at 9:13 pm


    forgive me if this is intrusive…

    but i feel curious …..is this man married?… or have a significant other?…..is this a question you have asked or is this not a question that you want to ask….?

    i would so want to know this in terms of someone i was interested in…so as not to invest energy into a man who is not available.

    i am asking because i am confused on this point in terms of what rori suggests…does one just organically let this info unfold….? or does one just graciously and calmly ask….?

  65.  #65Emerson on November 14, 2014 at 9:28 pm

    39 FW I agree

    Wasn’t there a tool where you ask a question and then at the end say “….I’m just curious”…takes the zing out of the question….

  66.  #66Emerson on November 14, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    Have you been married before? I’m
    Just curious.

    Do you believe in monogamy? I’m just curious.

    Also…I had a childhood friend that I reunited with and she used to barrage me with questions. So unpleasant. Part of the reason I “lost contact” with her is because of those interrogations…
    I can see how it can be annoying.

  67.  #67lovetodance on November 14, 2014 at 9:37 pm


    i like what you shared….yes i like also the curious word….and i too have a friend i can feel interrogated by….
    i distance myself from her even tho she is precious…the interrogating style is exhausting and sometimes can just plain feel insensitive….

    i lo love how this dialogue about questions is making me acutely aware of how and why i ask questions…

    it is another very moment to moment practice.

  68.  #68Andrea on November 14, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    Love to Dance #62..
    Not intrusive at all. : ) It’s so funny because this stuff rolled out of him in the very first place.

    I have found that lots of times when men are really interested in me, they interrogate me right away. And I just kind of let them answer their own questions.

    With him, he showed interest in me right away and was hanging around my desk at work and would lead me into discussions about his personal life, my personal life.. etc..

    He asked me about my city, what I like about it, what I don’t. I told him different things about sometimes not feeling so safe when I went out alone or with just my girlfriends. He organically shared bits about himself, how hard it is to be a single father, how devestated he was for a long while after his son’s mother decided to leave them because she needed to live in a bigger city and he wanted to raise the boys in a smaller one… etc..

    I never had to ask him any of those questions because he wanted me to know right off the bat that he was interested in me, and that he was available. All this was even before he finally kind of got up the gumption to ask me for my number.

    I have to admit that has happened a lot to me. When men are truly interested and I am leaning back, they seem to want to share more of themselves than I would have even thought to ask.

    The day that he and I spent the whole day at my house, just talking, relaxing… it seemed more like we were sharing our lives. I listened a whole lot and the more I just listened the more he talked. Then he said, “Man, I’ve never had anyone get this much out of me before.”
    And I honestly realized that I hadn’t really asked him anything, he just kept sharing stuff.

  69.  #69Andrea on November 14, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    I heard that, “I’m just curious” phrase in a CC video. He said that it takes the pressure off and makes the asker seem more playful and less prying.

    Instead of doing that I do this alot: Before I even ask a question, I say, “Oh I feel so curious.”
    Then I don’t say anything. Invariably the man will say, “Curious about what? About me? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.”
    And I say, “I feel curious about …. ” What ever it is.

    I don’t know. It seems to make the whole thing about my feelings and not so much about his.. whatever, action, or status, or etc. It’s more just me wanting to appease my feelings.

  70.  #70lovetodance on November 14, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    yeahhhhh andrea….thank you for the details…and makes me so happy to hear he was so open with you and so effortless on your part….

    i feel big siren coming from you….

    thank you for being so open in describing your experiences….it really feels helpful and lovely to me!

  71.  #71Indigo on November 14, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    IamHis 60,

    I literally got through maybe 2 or 3 emails of Christian Carter and then couldn’t take it any more. His emails make me feel tense and triggered too. I just got annoyed by them, and realized that there was no rule saying I had to read them! lol

    I like what Andrea has said… I find myself becoming more and more alluring to men, and it hasn’t been as a result of going to any effort to understand them. My personal opinion is that the most that is required is an understanding of the energy dynamic when it comes to understanding men… For the rest, I’ve found that the more I am aware of what is going on with me, the more other people, including men, make sense to me, the sharper my intuition becomes. For me, I way prefer this gentle process of unfolding and healing. I think I’d go off my head if I had to keep a thousand facts about what men are like or how they think in my head at all times.

    I respect what EMK is trying to do, trying to bridge the gap of the differences between men and women… yet I’ve just found his work doesn’t go deep enough for me, so I don’t bother with it. I am interested in knowing how to create a rich, intimate relationship that works, not in the logistics of choosing the right guy or being the right woman or whatever. I respect that there is a place for this kind of advice, and it seems to work for a great many people… but my personality, it is just simply not satisfying or fulfilling or deep enough.

    I love the work that we do here because it allows me to go fully into my depths, and I can swim around in there for a while if I want to, I can be fully and wonderfully myself.

  72.  #72Victoria on November 15, 2014 at 2:13 am

    I do not like male dating coaches. They simply can not overcome their male ego. Any advice they give gomes from a higher groud. I read them and ignore them. They simply do not understand. Mind you, they do not wish to understand. They have a big taboo against trying to think like a woman. I am so happy i found this place. Love to you all.

  73.  #73Millie on November 15, 2014 at 2:15 am

    I agree with Andrea in that I feel more comfortable and natural saying ” oh I feel so curious..” And then the man asks about what… Than adding oh just feel curious at the end. It seems dismissive of our own feeling to just add it in rather than when it is truly expressed, and the subject matter and person in question is secondary.

    Soooooo, im on pof. I’m finding it very annoying actually. I’m finding that men assume so much before even hearing a response to a message they sent. If I don’t respond right away,many continue messaging me. It’s overwhelming and I find myself withdrawing. A few seeemed interesting, but one in particular I we exchanged numbers with. Now, I was attracted to his picture. And his personality seems wonderful, funny, not too serious, sweet…. But he sucks at dating. and this is when I realize I’ve been spoiled. I’ve gone out on some amazing, well planned dates! But this guy has no clue!!! I want to give him a clue, because he seems like a good man overall, but I don’t want to come across as overcritical. He’s new in town, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and offered suggestions of where to meet, all asking what do you think? About it… He was so wishy washy about settings place and time, that I began not to care. Be then cancelled on me and asked me casually the next day if I was free. I said to myself, do I want to go or not? I decided yes I would give it a shot, but was already feeling frustrated at his lack of planning. I tried to be appreciative of his efforts… But they were so minimal!!!! I suggested where we meet and he told me he was walking to the local bar, and to let him know when he should leave. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I felt livid! No, I will not tell a man what to do! Figure it out yourself! Then he text me again saying, or if you prefer to meet me at this bar down the street from my place you can. Omg. I didnt tell him how I really felt, I didnf want to go I into it at that moment, but I cancelled on him. No, just no. He proceeded to text me during the night mentioning how alone he was. He had also asked me what he should wear to meet me…. I said someting light and funny, but truth be told I am so turned off. I should have expressed that. And perhaps I will, but I feel bad as he is new in town. Regardless though, it didn’t feel good to be cancelled on and then asked to go to a bar by his house. How convenient … It doesn’t feel thoughtful at all. So I’m not sure what I will say next…. But I’d like to be kind as he seems very nice other than the dating skills thst don’t match me.

  74.  #74Victoria on November 15, 2014 at 2:15 am

    I read EMKs protest against CDing. What a joke. No man will like it, will they, that is why it is so cool, it is all about me!

  75.  #75Indigo on November 15, 2014 at 2:42 am


    Oh gosh. You are not overreacting, that definitely, DEFINITELY wouldn’t cut it for me.

    Honestly the impression that I get from what you’ve said is not that this guy is clueless, but that he is setting the bait to see how little effort you will put up with. I would not have “helped” him out on any of those things… actually come to think of it, when he had cancelled on me on the first day I would definitely not have gone the next day. Possibly the following week. Oooh, I feel afraid for you falling for the “he seems nice” trap! I would certainly require a lot more effort than this before he gets my time!

  76.  #76Kim on November 15, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Victoria, totally with you. I never met a man who liked Cding, but I also never liked a man who liked it when we were needy and stuck on him because we felt like we had no other options before he even committed to us…
    It has turned my life around even though I was never a huge fan.
    Keeps me sane, keeps me entertained, I always have good stories and I never got stuck on a man again. I see plenty that do, and they don’t learn to keep their options open, when they are only an option.
    Happy I came here too!

  77.  #77Kim on November 15, 2014 at 4:16 am

    71 Millie, I would already say: next
    To that one.

  78.  #78Femininewoman on November 15, 2014 at 4:26 am

    Millie remember he is a man. Men are adventurous. He does not need a tour guide or babysitter. Only you can decide which kind of man makes your liver quiver, a lukewarm man or a man who is excited and wanting to see you

  79.  #79Victoria on November 15, 2014 at 4:39 am

    I was a natural CDer before I came here. Finding out there is a name to it makes me even happier. I am also not a great friend of monogamy (my best friend claims i am poligamous haha but i am not sure i am that either). Do i have to be always one and the same? I am love, i radiate love, i am very very happy with myself right now.

  80.  #80Labbit on November 15, 2014 at 5:18 am

    60 IamHis — LOL, I would feel the same way…although CC is totally right. About players, anyway. That kind of man will make the least amount of effort possible. That kind of man knows how to prey on a woman’s insecurities and can make even the calmest, most sane woman jump and act all ‘crazy’. But I’m always very leery of any man who claims that all the women he dates are crazy. Because, no doubt, he made them act that way with their antics.

    A real man, on the other hand, will be intrigued by a woman who does not jump for him at, who has her own fulfilling life and activities, and who makes him pursue her. Men (and women!) will tell you a lot of things about works/doesn’t work in the dating world…but nothing beats Mother Nature. Men court and pursue. Women observe and choose.

    The press is starting to pick up on this now, but there’s a growing group of men in their 50/60s who were players when they are younger who are now finding themselves alone, angry and unsatisfied in life. Because they never learned how to treat a woman. Now they blame their state on feminism and a whole bunch of malarkey. The simple truth is they refused to fill their natural role of provider, pursuer and gentleman. Karma’s a bitch.

    Luckily, there are many more great men out there than players. It just takes time to find them because they don’t primp their peacock feathers the way a player does. Which is why all of us are here learning how to get our vibes into the best state possible to attract those quieter gentlemen like bees to honey. And it always works. 🙂

  81.  #81Labbit on November 15, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Victoria and Kim — Oh yes, I’ve never come across a man who says he likes women CD’ing. And why would he? If his goal is to catch a woman and claim him, his goal that much harder in a competitive field. But I also think men must secretly like it…because any guy will tell you that he’s turned on by a woman who is considered a prize catch, who attracts lots of male interest. It makes his status seem even higher when he catches that woman!

    It’s kind of like when men say “I wish you’d initiate more” while you’re dating them (pre-commitment). I’ve fallen into this trap so many times. Men think they’ll like it when we make it easier on them (and we think they’ll like it to, at least I did!) but now I see that it actually extinguishes their competitive drive. Instead of being the woman who’s just out of reach, who they have to pursue and win over, we become safely within their grasp when we take over and plan dates and call them or text them first or whatever. And in a short time they lose interest. They just can’t motivate themselves to chase something they already have, that doesn’t put up any challenge so to speak. After commitment, that changes.

  82.  #82Sophie on November 15, 2014 at 5:30 am

    Wow – I’m well behind and there’s such a wealth of experience being shared.

    Andrea – I feel in awe of you, you just seem to work through the nooks and crannies of this stuff and keep finding mini- breakthroughs for yourself – I see such dedication and commitment (and discipline which I feel lacking in) and I can feel in your vibe how exciting it must feel to be getting it down 🙂 And you always have so many dates!!!!! And your posts sparkle. And you write with such beautiful authenticity. I feel inspired by you.

    Millie – me too – with the meltdowns. I feel regularly overwhelmed by my emotions and often triggered by who knows what – I feel happy that the others helped you move through it – that’s a difference in me these days from former days, I seem to move through more quickly which feels ‘phew’

    Purple – I feel sad for you that the contact stirred up the turbulence – I know how that feels. You seem to be going strong, however. Keep on that horse!

    Everyone – I too dislike Christian Carter’s work and find it (the same as you have said) all what I ‘should be doing better to please him’ yuk. I feel disorientated at the moment with regards to which way I want to go. I want to sink deeper into my feminine energy and I definitely want to lose the pattern I have for wanting the unavailables but I worry sometimes that actually I’m ‘losing’ some of what is available to me with men by not being authentic enough. I don’t know. I’m quite a sparky, chatty person. I’ve been noticing on my trip, it’s quite hard around men for me not to be sparky, chatty and to leave all that space.

    I love being here. I feel much more balanced. Boy energy has had to do some work – I lost my debit card – can you believe it?! So that felt emotional but actually everyone was so helpful, it was resolved quite easily and I felt such compassion for myself as I hadn’t slept properly in days and it had been easy to make a mistake. The renewed energy o being somewhere so beautiful and easy has precipitated a lot of work coming my way so I’ve felt productive and pleased with myself and I can take breaks and go to the beach and lie in the sun or swim. I feel certain amount of rejuvenation. I still feel excitement. I feel like I’m where I need to be.

    I don’t feel particularly interested in men ha ha and what’s wonderful to notice is that there are adoring couples all around me and I don’t have the slightest desire to be one of them! I feel very happy to have sometime alone.

    That said, I lent forward with YoungCD by email. I so wish I didn’t do it but I say that with humour. I do not understand the dynamic I have with him at all – other than its the dynamic of he pays me loads of attention, then takes it away, then I want it back. This is why I have so much admiration for you ladies who just feel turned off and disinterested by this kind of behaviour. Why don’t I????!!! It absolutely baffles me.

    Love to everyone xxx

  83.  #83Mistea1 on November 15, 2014 at 6:33 am

    ((( Labbit ))) 78 Thanks so much for your concise description of a player. I could see the signs but got so caught up in the insecurity issue and the entrancing beauty of the music. I’m experienced with other players but this musicTd makes the others all look like amateurs. I even wrote it in my notes early on. But, because I like to play with fire I kept on going. Finally he put on a thin skin of seeming to provide only to try and slap me with it after I agreed. This break time I’m giving myself is invaluable.

    However, I did get a gift from all this. The depth and beauty of the music unblocked the emotions that I’ve kept stuffed all my life. Beautiful and painful as H**l. I’m grateful for that and am working to lesson the pain of the difficult ones. I discovered that when emotions are unblocked they aren’t just the good ones the difficult ones are also unblocked.

    I feel that as I work with the abandonment and trust issues and become more stable he will withdraw from me both psychicly and physically. I feel the presence of his absence already and soon it will feel like nothing at all. The practice I listened to yesterday when he didn’t know I was there was just that, a practice. Tonight is the recital. I intend to have fun with the frankly sexy looking at him during his intro comments. I hope to enjoy the beauty of the ensembles’ playing and feel all my feelings and not attach to the person. If the men in the ensemble seem to be interesting I might try the look as well. MusicTd will not be visible when playing. Afterwards I intend to talk to the other players and only smile at him if he should look my way. Practice makes perfect they say. I intend to practice as much as I can. Well, at least I seem to be recovering my sense of fun and not taking this all so seriously.

  84.  #84Andrea on November 15, 2014 at 6:39 am

    haha.. Millie… darn, I wish the POF thing were easier. I’ll tell you what I learned though when I was on POF. I learned to say: Eeeww, I feel really turned off when a man does such and such.

    I got really good at saying that to men. And I realized that it didn’t hurt them one bit. They either asked what would turn you on? And it wasn’t personal because I never said, “I feel turned off by you.”

    It was.. when a man does this, I feel turned off. When a man does this I feel turned on. Then I left it up to them to decide if they want to turn me on, or just didn’t care.

    Sometimes men would say, “Well I feel turned on when a woman does such and such.” To that I would respond with dead silence.

    It’s not my job to turn them on. It’s not my job to DO. But they always texted me again.

    I went off of POF because it never got anywhere past “practice” guys. I didn’t meet anyone on there that did it for me. But it was great learning.

  85.  #85Andrea on November 15, 2014 at 7:32 am

    OMG, so bright and early this morning, I’m at my front desk and in comes my guys crew and him. Totally mistaken scheduling on their part landed them here.

    I was so flustered dealing with their paperwork and such. But he slipped me a note “You are so beautiful this morning.”

    Now the heat and flirtation between us is rising to levels that kind of make me sad. I can see where this can go, and I want it and I want him BAD!

    But I feel sad because I have this bottomless thirst… I want more than just physical chemistry and heat. (even though I want that)

    And my co-worker and I watched an older couple leave the lobby area, we watched the man gently guide his wife over the ice and snow, open the truck door for her, guide her into her seat, and now he’s scraping the ice off the windshield. Both of us sighed.

    I said to my coworker, “I want THAT.” The long term stuff, the together stuff, the connection and building a life and traveling together stuff.

    I feel daunted by this struggle between desire and long term happiness. I feel almost despair that the only thing I absolutely know to do (and it’s no guarantee either) is to lean way back. And God I want to jump him right now and he’s looking at me like he wants me to.

  86.  #86Millie on November 15, 2014 at 8:20 am

    Andrea! Oooooh I feel like I am your coworker standing right there witnessing all this chemistry and lust and desire for that man that can give it all to us! The ice scraping of the windshield paints a beautiful picture. I will take you advice and not feel hesitant to say I feel turned off.

    Femininewoman- no! Lukewarm men do not make my liver quiver! Hahaha….which is why I did not go. And stopped responding. Ugh turned off and disgusted.

    Indigo– ya I gave him too much benefit of the doubt…. He is very beneath me. Oh pof….

  87.  #87Teresa on November 15, 2014 at 10:54 am

    When do you say enough is enough? How do you know when you can no longer take it? When do you decide to throw in the towel and move on? How do you know….when will it happen? Peace, that is all I am looking for. My head not to spin….my heart to stop pounding…..the tears will stop falling? My life is in such turmoil.

  88.  #88Mistea1 on November 15, 2014 at 11:15 am

    ((( Teresa ))) Aww, I feel your pain. seems like I was just there a few weeks ago. Rori has some coaches that still have a couple of days left of free advice. Mary Catherine is my favorite. One thing that helped me is ” lean back.” It’s not a final decision. It’s a way of removing yourself from the heat of the situation for maybe 2-4 weeks. Don’t approach him. Surprisingly, my perspective started to return rather quickly. You can find more information on the site and maybe in the e-book. Here’s a hug for you and keep your head up. Wipe your tears and go do something fun just for you.

  89.  #89lovetodance on November 15, 2014 at 2:33 pm


    thank you again siren for keeping us updated on your way of being with this CD….

    i feel with the clarity you have, and the experiencing you have been garnering….that the right man is coming to you…of course it could be more than one….what a wonderful dilemma to have!

    many blessings andrea!

  90.  #90lovetodance on November 15, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    85 theresa

    i hope you can do something wonderful for you…something that you can immerse yourself in….a beautiful walk, a great movie….something that can change and uplift….maybe a wonderful exercise class or moving at home to music that just gets you going….

    yelling into pillows and shaking my body out has always helped me in the times when i thought i would explode…calling a good friend who can hear it all without feeling like they have to solve it…

    take good care lovely siren….and know we know….

  91.  #91Emerson on November 15, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    83 Andrea,
    I loved reading what you wrote here….wow I can really relate to that, big time! I feel like CuteCityCD has potential for some hot steamy moments, and what I really want (as you said bottomless thirst, yes!) is a long term lifelong relationship.
    What a beautiful picture you painted with your words about the old couple getting into the car. Just lovely.
    Thank you for helping me remember what i really want. And also, I know I cannot disconnect from hot sex and just have “sex”…it always gets emotional for me.
    Thank you for sharing about your experience… 🙂

  92.  #92Kristina on November 15, 2014 at 6:06 pm


    I so hear you – your pain and your desire to escape and your fear of leaving behind something in which you have invested so much… It is so brave of you to ask for help… I’ve been there, where the head is spinning and any step in any direction is too scary… AND it does not have to be that way. I once said: “It feels like torture what he is doing to me.” And I was told in response: “If it’s like torture don’t be with him.” And now, years later, it is so obvious. And it was so not back then. I also now know that “he” was not really doing anything to me. I was. And when I walked away, I felt sad and scared and LIBERATED…

    I really hope you feel better soon and a solution materializes all on its own…

  93.  #93teresa on November 15, 2014 at 7:20 pm


    I thank you for all of your support and kind words. With my personal life in turmoil I am also dealing with the loss of my father 3 weeks ago. Life as I thought or assumed it to be is not. The simple pleasures that I want, seem to be so complicated. Why does love have to be so hard? As we grow older you would think people would be pass game playing. Treat others as you want to be treated was how i was brought up.

    Kristina your thought/comment that “he” was not doing anything to me but me doing it to myself makes me wonder? Patience is not a vertu for me….I am one who seeks every experience as quickly as I can.

  94.  #94Rori Raye on November 16, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Lone Dove – This is you as Rock Star Siren- like Stevie Nicks once did – you stay with the band, and deal with your heartache. Circular Dating will solve this for you, and feeling what you feel. If you’d rather quit working with him – then do it! Love, Rori

  95.  #95Rori Raye on November 16, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Brava Joy! Brilliant writing and sentiments, thank you…Love, Rori

  96.  #96Kristina on November 16, 2014 at 2:16 pm


    So sorry to hear about your father. It is in moments like this when we need a supportive man the most and it feels like an insult added to injury when there is no one to truly lean on… I hope you let others, friends and strangers, knowingly and not, support you through this and give you their love and attention.

    When I said that “he” was not doing it to me, here is what I meant. The guy in my life had told me that he did not want a relationship and that he wanted to be friends with me. So while I felt as if he was torturing me, in reality I was the one torturing myself by trying to be with him even though he made it clear that he was not interested. It is amazing how many times and with how many men I did this… When I finally realized it, for a second I felt like blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong in my love life. But instead I felt empowered… If I stop doing this to myself, I’ll never be this misarable again…

  97.  #97teresa on November 16, 2014 at 2:48 pm


    Thanks for the clarification. This man told me he wanted a relationship…..in fact he said “I thought we were”. This was the first time he ever said that.

  98.  #98Olivia on November 16, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    The ooh and ahh sounds works SO well for me
    I even have a whole little vocabulary of them – they mean different things
    My man loves it
    It makes me feel like this lovely little sexy animal
    Even when I am annoyed with him I’ll use them gently – like I sort of snort and wrinkle up my forehead – we call it the “pug”
    it’s the equivalent of a feeling message (aka “I feel frustrated” or “I feel mad”) without having to even use the words
    It works SO WELL
    Feeling happy thinking about this!!!

  99.  #99Mandy on November 17, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Oh snap! I’ve been wondering about this. This is super important to me, because I am so curious, such a talker and I want to ask questions a lot.

    I often end up overwhelming my guy, but he is so sweet, he just makes a little joke about it and winks at me, but it might help to actually tweak my conversation skills, I know I can feel very curious to pick brains, and get people to share their wonderful stories.

    I also have untreated ADHD, since the treatment for it (amphetamines) would make my other conditions worse and I can’t take it, and I will often say these things – questions, prompts, showing interest in getting information – without realizing the consequences, I just spit it out before I even get a chance to think or feel about it.

    So…J may say…

    J: I’m off work tomorrow.

    Me: Woo-hoo! Whatcha wanna do? Want to go see a movie?

    J: Well, I was going to say, did you want to go to the gym then go to the grocery store and have me meet you there.

    Could be more like this:

    J: I’m off work tomorrow.

    Me: Ooh! *smile*

    I’m going to see if I can remember to do it, even though I get “test anxiety’, and forget my scripts…this is perfect, because it’s natural and there is no script, lol. Just a sound. I am familiar with lip-trills and all that sort of choir-practice vocalizing, since I was in formal vocal training as a teen, and it is Sireny. 🙂

    Thanks for posting this Rori, I was in very much need of the reminder 🙂

  100.  #100a woman on November 18, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Rori, and anyone who might relate- I have a question (again:))!

    Whenever I date someone there is always little talking. I’ve never been somebody who chats all the time and you say silence is a good thing, and I’m not initiating conversations unless there is something I want to say naturally. BUT, the men I date don’t seem to be initiating much conversation either. It’s always lots of silence. I have always felt it’s just too much. I hear and see it everywhere- good couples always have something to talk about, they always talk almost non-stop.

    Sometimes it’s so much silence it just feels weird. I never had problems attracting men and they keep coming for more. It’s just that the lack of effort to have conversations from these men makes me feel uninteresting. I feel stuck, because it’s been this way since I began dating as a teenager. I used to be very shy, now I’m so confident all my friends envy me for it.

    I try to use the feeling messages as much as possible and it works brilliantly. But I want more talking going on, or I feel as if nothing much has changed. It feels like my old comfort zone, which I want to get out of so badly.

    Is it me, or is it them? Do I keep attracting the same men, or is it something inside me that still has to be shifted in order for men want to talk to me more?

    BTW there was a guy I went on a date with. I experimented and talked a lot and it made him talk a lot too. It felt good, it felt different. He was attracted to me, but I wasn’t. But it felt so different and I liked it. If there has always been so much silence in my life, should I experiment talking to men in a playful way more? and see how it works for me?

  101.  #101Renee on November 19, 2014 at 7:24 am

    I feel like I will never get the hang of this new form of communication. I started working with these programs a few weeks ago, noticed some nice things when I was able to speak correctly 🙂 I became emotional last night when I realized that my live-in significant other is seeing his ex-girlfriend. I tried tools to deal with it but I just couldn’t hold it together right, we are suppose to move to another place in a few months so I asked last night if he still felt like he wanted that. He said, yes. But he has never admitted he’s seeing her either. I know for a fact it is true. I did not accuse him of it, didn’t even mention her name.
    The hardest part in learning this is controlling my emotions well enough to formulate the right speech patterns.
    Didn’t sleep last night, decided to look on this blog to see if it would help me. I feel all yucky inside about how I handled last night, don’t think I did anything right.
    I hope this gets easier, I haven’t made it through my 90 days of trying this yet. Don’t think I can do it now that I know he is cheating.

  102.  #102Dari on November 19, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    I love it and feel soaring that im already good at this and surprisef that its the thing to do to Do somethg else on the phone like clean bec i use to stop so I can be more ‘present’ i thought that was the idea also if he / other person enters room while im doing something and yet yes this feels comfy and good and i have been noticing i feel more femiinine with it – doing my stuff while still listening/being there with him


    i loooueee using guttural sounds now

  103.  #103Rori Raye on November 19, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Renee – This is an amazing, caring, supportive community here – and we’ll all help you…What you’re going through counds way painful and challenging to navigate for ANYONE! – I say BRAVA to you for using this situation to learn these new skills – they will help you tremendously to draw this man toward you – or to get bored with whatever’s going on with him. Love, Rori

  104.  #104Surferchica on November 19, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    This is such an interesting piece! I just got back from a week away with my man of three years (dating). He is much quieter than my ex-husband. Initially when we were first dating, I got very fidgety around him. I remember about three months into our relationship, driving in a car together and not a word escaped his lips for 30 minutes. I got madder and madder. Finally I blurted: “So that’s it? You have nothing to say for the entire drive?”

    His kind reply was, “Well, let’s see. I’m driving to where I want to go. I’m with the person I want to be with. I think I was just feeling content. But if you want to talk, I’ll talk.”

    It sort of knocked me sideways! I had never considered “contentment in company” as a valid way to travel.

    Three years later, here we were alone in another state at the beach for a whole week. We had so many long silences walking on the beach, holding hands as we walked down a long bridge looking at sharks and rays in the water, sitting at a table eating a meal in silence next to the water, hot tubbing. Sure we talked when we felt like it, but I have learned the value of silence!

    I learned to “look through the window” and to “really see what I was seeing.” I’ve learned to be moved by the wind and the sky and the view without the distraction of having to keep a conversation going at the same time—dodging his opinions or conjuring ones to equal his (my old way with my ex-husband).

    I came home in awe of how rested I feel. I literally had down time in the company of a man I love. I have all these memories with him—really with him, not of words, but of the shared joy of being in such a beautiful place!

    So I am grateful to Rori for helping me to be more open to a quiet companionship, to ooing and ahhing.

    That said, I am curious to know what to do about differences of style—for instance, I was much more interested in sex last week than he was. I didn’t initiate and I was somewhat disappointed in the fact that what we had on vacation was so similar to our routine at home. I had hoped for a more passionate exchange.

    I do feel stymied about how to express/share needs/differences of desire without “asking a question.” I think this is where feeling messages can help but I don’t trust myself yet to say them in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack. I’m stuck there and would be happy to have some help.

    All in all, though, the week was gorgeous and I do genuinely love this man. He has been incredibly good for me and my more hyper self.

  105.  #105Surferchica on November 19, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    I should add that he and I are both in our fifties. 🙂

  106.  #106Andrea on November 19, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    I think I understand what you’re asking Surferchica. I sometimes feel that way too, like as though I want something and I want him to know it, but how best to communicate that without 1, making him feel like he is NOT getting it to me, and 2, making me feel like I’m leading the moment.

    Well, I’ve done something like this: “Oh I feel so horny/turned on right now. I just feel like I wanna have arms thrown around me and be pushed back against the wall and just be smothered in kisses!”

    Or.. something like; “Oh I feel so giddy right now. I feel so in love! I feel like jumping on you and just giving you a lip lock.”

    I don’t know. It’s kind of like I’m just sharing what I feel in that moment and they allowing that he can and will respond in whichever way he chooses.

    Even sometimes I feel like I just want to be let alone and not be touched. I’ll just say, “Oh I feel all prickly right now, like I just want to be by myself for a while.”

    Just sharing how I’m feeling.

    I wish I could find the article that Rori wrote about that. I looked for it. I know she wrote one about that. About just sharing how you feel, without expectation or trying to get a certain outcome, just share.. I feel this way. And then see what happens… sometimes magic. : ) heehehee

  107.  #107Surferchica on November 19, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    I think my guy experiences those kinds of statements as pressure. That’s where I find it a little tricky. He’s incredibly kind and mellow and loving (and affectionate). But I also know that this season of change (in his body) makes him less receptive to overt expressions of “I want sex.” So I let him initiate and he is fairly regular about it but it’s just not as romantic or passionate as it once was. And that’s tough for me.

    So I find myself in limbo between what I want/need and recognizing that his wants/needs are different from mine. I don’t know how to prioritize or what to do about the differences.

    Maybe Rori will weigh in.

  108.  #108Surferchica on November 19, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Example: When we were first together, he was verbally expressive and playful with sex.

    After the first six months, the words went away. I mentioned that it was “hot” to me when he talks during sex. He told me that he just isn’t into talking during sex.

    And that’s been it. End of talking and sex. I do get it (I always felt my ex-husband distracted me with too much talking). But in this relationship, I loved what he said and how he said it. To have that go away has been sad for me, but I don’t know where else to go with it. So I’ve let it be what it is and find other ways to feel connected. If the person simply doesn’t feel comfortable with what you need, then what? It doesn’t seem important enough to break up over, but I truly do miss it.

    The same thing with flirting by text. It went away, even though the love and kindness and tenderness are still there. I miss the playful side of sex. But I have been told by him that it feels like too much pressure to behave in those ways.

    So… what do I do with my feelings/desires? Do they automatically take a back seat?

    This man is one of those gems that Rori ranks about—quiet, kind, washed my dishes, helps with my yard, is wonderful with my adult kids (they adore him), never cruel, always available, responsible, mature person who is crazy about me (this I know to be true). I love him to pieces.

    I just don’t know what to do about this kind of difference that for me is significant yet maybe not a deal-breaker. We are three years in. I can’t CD. It’s a committed relationship. We don’t live together.

  109.  #109Surferchica on November 19, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Oops! I need to clarify: the sex didn’t go away, just the talking. We have sex about once a week and it’s usually quite nice, just not as creative or passionate as it once was. I miss that. I don’t need it to be that way all the time, but a couple times a year would be nice!

    I’m open to ideas for how to approach this kind of issue.

  110.  #110Victoria on November 20, 2014 at 2:07 am

    Dear Surferchica,
    I have no advice for you, because advice is officially forbidden for anyone but the coaches.
    But I would like to share with you that I have also been thinking, when i have a man who is, say, 80% of my dream man, is it worth it to be longing for the missing 20%?
    I too have a vision for my forever man to be my everything man. I want to have active and passionate love, a relationship in which we constantly give each other more love, more adoration, more excitement.
    I want hot nights, dirty talking, all the thrill of a very new relationship.
    The fact that I want these so badly is actually what is stopping me from being set on one man only.
    Also, I suspect that I can not be monogamous, because I miss this original thril really badly when it is gone.
    Basically, I think you can CD when you are exclusive, you can CD with friends and with yourself. But it certainly is different than the thrill you get from CDing with a man.
    So, please, if you ever find out how to keep the romance alive, and the fire alive, without breaking your total exclusivity and devotion to your man, share the secret, I want to be able to do it too!

  111.  #111Femininewoman on November 20, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Suferchica – I like what Andrea suggested and I would try even though you seem to believe he experiences it as pressure. Maybe it is because he feels your agenda and wanting something from him when you say it. Maybe if you say it bearing in mind that he might not be willing then when he declines you let him know that just in case he hears you moaning or feels you moving around next to him that you will be pleasuring yourself. Then you just go ahead and do it. I know it is scary to do that kind of thing at first but I would tiptoe into it first if I were you by visualizing it and practicing saying it internally or in front of a mirror. Change up your energy, your vibe, your body language, your tone of voice as you practice. You just never know,

  112.  #112Mistea1 on November 20, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Surferchica, Femininewoman, 111 I agree with the last two sentences of your comment above. I am well over 50. I discovered this accidently last month. (never too late to learn I guess). He was making an introduction at a recital he presented. I decided to give him this frankly appreciative look while he was talking. I started at his hair and looked him all over up and down and imagined being closer. I lingered on his face and lips, I sort of half smiled, leaned back in the seat and spread one arm over the back of the bench. After about 30 seconds I could see his eyes flickering back to me frequently. It was great! The best part for me was giving myself permission to look. I was so turned on by just doing that. Who knew? Well, I’m sure you all know this but it’s new to me. The next time he saw me he stopped in his tracks and just stood there looking sexy as h***l. I had to grab on to the back of the chair next to me to keep standing up. It was great. So it’s a thought. Have fun.

  113.  #113Gemini Goddess on November 20, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Victoria 110

    “I want to have active and passionate love, a relationship in which we constantly give each other more love, more adoration, more excitement”

    Thank you for saying this. It really helps me identify what I, too want from a relationship. I have always beat myself up for this, but it is just so. I am such an intense girl (43 year old woman, actually), and I will just plain need someone to keep up with me, and keep me interested. To this end, I’ve decided NOT to tell my current “candidate” this, NOT to give the test answer in advance, and see if he just IS. He does know that great regular sex is a total requirement, and is determined to make me want to stick around. We’ll see about the rest. I admit, I fear the plateau and how I’ll react.

  114.  #114Gemini Goddess on November 20, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Holy Cow. I must have moved some major crap out of my system with that last post. I have that excited-for-no-real-reason feeling. I feel so actualized, and powerful, and honest. I feel like my chest is radiating, and two men just said “hi” to me for no reason in the grocery store. I feel exhilarated. I feel a little embarrassed writing all this.

  115.  #115Ninette on November 20, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Hello, I am wondering if anyone can give me some advice. I recently decided to try on-line dating again after a very long break. A man wrote to me and after a couple of messages back and forth on the site, he started to get my interest. We’re in our fifties. A couple of messages turned into a couple of weeks of everyday messages, still on the site. My subscription is ending next week, so I told him I wouldn’t be on for very much longer. hint hint. So he gave me his number. I told him I would text him my number and would love to hear from him. So I did, and he responded to the text. Then we started texting. He said that he would call me that night or the next day, and never did. A day or two went by, and I texted him that I felt a bit sad that he hadn’t called. So he called. I couldn’t talk so I texted him that I would return the call the next day when I could talk. We had a really nice chat. He was talkative and complimentary, and was talking like he really wants to find a serious relationship. Meanwhile, I just have a feeling about this guy, that he has real potential as THE one for me. And yes, I have kept it light, no questions. After this phone call, which was last Sunday, it has gone back to texting, with some photos. No calls. I won’t call him, because I don’t like to call men, especially new ones I’m just getting to know. I am feeling some frustration here, and I like to honor my feelings. My belief is that if a man is truly interested in a woman, he would be trying to find out when he could meet her, as soon as possible. He has told me he has a lot of free time. I am thinking about just ignoring any further texts and if he doesn’t call, oh well. I am also trying to relax about it, and look at it as flirting, building some tension, not having a timeline, keeping each other on tenterhooks, LOL, but it is hard not to wonder if he’s really planning to continue just texting for an indefinite period of time, and that’s not what I want to do. Should I say something ? Your thoughts are most appreciated xxx

  116.  #116Victoria on November 21, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Gemini Goddess,
    Oh wow. I feel so happy with myself that my honesty was well received and even (can you imagine) helpful to you!
    I feel so validated, thank you, thank you!
    I would also describe myself as intense. I also think that the lucky men that date us, probably have already noticed the intensity :-).
    I think my man (ok, one of my men) has a really hard time keeping up… But he wants to, he just needs to grow out so much, or move so much out of his confort zone, and I am not sure he is capable to, or that i will have the patience to wait around.
    I need to quote again my favorite Azure Blu quote:
    So many men, so little time.
    And no, I am no longer giving away the test asnwers anymore. Love you for that metaphore!

  117.  #117Surferchica on November 23, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Thanks for all these thoughts! I had an amazing therapy session last week and brought some of this with me into it. I realized that in my desire to “lean back” and not “do,” I had begun to “pretend” that I was okay with our relationship as it is. Rori advocates being fully connected to our feelings, but sometimes the tools become something I adopt to avoid my feelings (if that makes sense).

    So I’m learning how to initiate, too, and I want to be willing to take those risks some of you suggest—just getting my feelings out there in a vulnerable way.

    Thanks again.

  118.  #118Surferchica on November 23, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Ninette, I read your post. It is frustrating to feel like there’s potential there and then to feel it fizzle or stall. Are there other men you are also in contact with? That worked for me—to have a whole slew of men to text and date. I had one Match man who I was really into start with a bang and then fizzle over the course of 8 weeks. What kept me going was knowing I had other men interested. In the middle of that 8 week period is when I met the man I’m with now—and we’ve been together for 3 years.

    I’m glad I kept dating through that season. Sometimes a man just isn’t ready, no matter how much chemistry you have.

  119.  #119Ninette on November 23, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Thank you for your understanding response. Yes, I’ve been keeping in touch with others, too, no exchange of phone numbers yet. I’ll continue to communicate with them. I didn’t hear word one from him all weekend, and then this morning, he sent a pic of the ocean view and texted something about the ocean being angry today and hope that I am doing better. To me, this is player behavior. I texted something light, and then a while after he texted again, I informed him that while I’ve had fun texting with him, I’m going to be focusing on communicating with the men who are showing that they are serious about wanting to get to know me better, good luck in your search and be well. I thought that was better than just not answering his texts. I also really like what Joy said that her dad told her, “that if a man wants to talk to you he will call you, if he doesn’t call then obviously he isn’t worth your time.” Exactly my point.
    Thanks again 🙂

  120.  #120Violet on November 23, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Somehow; I just don’t buy into this. Why should a woman (or a man) feel like they need to accommodate the other person’s ego in saying things that don’t have substance!?
    I would feel as if I weren’t being true to who I am as a person.

  121.  #121Violet on November 23, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    I feel like I’m obsessing about a particular man and what his feelings towards me ‘might’ be. I’ll call him, ‘D’.
    I REALLY like what Ninette typed re… ”that if a man wants to talk to you he will call you, if he doesn’t call then obviously he isn’t worth your time.”
    The statement would apply to in regards to ‘D’. My instincts tell me he is interested/attracted to me. I’m telling you; it is extremely rare that my instincts are wrong.
    I figure it’s best to stop obsessing about it. It’s best to follow the adage that if he wants to pursue things; he’ll make it known. If he doesn’t make it known; then he’s not worth my time of day.

  122.  #122Indigo on November 23, 2014 at 9:16 pm


    I hope you will find this helpful, but my alarm bells started ringing loudly when I saw that you had been texting for weeks without any plans to meet. In my experience, it is just not good to indulge this kind of attention with a man, especially not if it feels bad to you…

    When I was online dating, I would only email back and forth for a week or two, tops, and a phone call or two before a date. By that stage I would notice that my saturation point had been reached and I didn’t want to carry on texting or emailing or whatever else with someone I essentially didn’t know. So I’d slow down on replying and then say something like, “I feel burnt out/bored with texting/emailing”, and then maybe add “I find it romantic to be asked out”, and then STOP replying. Stay leaned back all the way. Don’t pressure for a date, but make it clear you won’t continue on with the text ping pong game, which is what it is.

    Hope this helps! Good luck to you!

  123.  #123teresa on November 24, 2014 at 3:09 am

    Indigo 122


    I couldn’t agree more Indigo. I have fallen in to the same scenario. I texted for weeks with a man which ended up not going anywhere. Texting feed his ego. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! As long as you reply back they will keep texting. I consider this hiding behind a cell phone.

  124.  #124Violet on November 24, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    I decided to re-read Rori’s blog. Rori explained that there is a difference between genuine curiosity and sounding like an interrogator.
    For me; this is similar to ‘leaning back’ and for the most part, it comes about naturally.

  125.  #125Mel on November 25, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Hi, I’m new to this and was thinking about questioning and when it won’t go well with him. I’ve been trying to lean back and not ask questions and follow the 4 rule as in Rori’s commitment blueprint, but just wondered how I can do this when I discovered my husband has put a separated status on Facebook for the world to see and didn’t tell me? All I want to do is ask why he feels he should write this on FB instead of leaving marriage status blank? And didn’t he think how crappy this makes me feel. But this sounds like blame and controlling doesn’t it?

  126.  #126Rori Raye on November 25, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Mel, first – I’m so sorry this is happening in your life – and to help you navigate the conversation in your situation, I encourage you to check out my new coaches to get some “Scripts” and “Poetry lessons…” They are all free for the first session, and incredibly affordable after that. You can try them all! Just go to the post: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/free-coaching-with-my-rrrct-trainees/
    and check them all out. If you’d like to talk to seasoned veteran Coaches – try out the Certified Coaches on the Coach Directory page…Love, Rori

  127.  #127Mel on November 26, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Thanks Rori, I’ll try and work my way through the list of coaches. So far I love all the advice, it’s difficult to choose 🙂

  128.  #128sheryl hansen on November 28, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I am confused as well, like Iris. Sometimes the men I know want me to be interested in what they are sharing by asking questions. Otherwise they feel I am not interested. Other times they ARE annoyed as stated in Rori’s message. How does one know when it is safe to ask questions and when it isn’t? How do you even get any information, if you don’t show interest, or don’t ask questions?

  129.  #129Kristi Kay on November 30, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Oh this is my favorite advice to give out. I know from first hand what questions do. I also know how anxious I get when he doesn’t divulge information willingly. I’ve been that girl who just feels the need to ask…maybe prompt him. It never works. I feel scared that he’s pulling away but really he pulls away when he feels interrogated.
    I’m so thankful for Rori Raye and her training. I love the shift I’ve experienced.

  130.  #130Rori Raye on November 30, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Kristi! Yayy – Everyone, This is Kristi Kay, one of my amazing new coaches – Kristi is SO warm, so utterly non-judgmental and yet powerful – you’ll feel heard, you’ll feel “got” – and you’ll get a PLAN. Love, Rori

  131.  #131Violet on November 30, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I would appreciate feedback on this. I recently met a man off a dating site. The meeting turned into a date… According to him; that wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t ‘interested’ in getting to know me.

    I don’t even know how many times I heard him say that he ‘hoped I wanted to see him again’, how he was definitely attracted to me. The bottom line is that he genuinely seemed ‘into me’.

    That was Friday night. This is Sunday afternoon. The dating site showed him as being online today. I haven’t heard diddly squat from him. I’ve read enough of Rori Raye to know not to chase him and I agree.

    It just feels really weird that he would be all this and that about wanting to see me, then not follow up on it.

    I’m just wanting to get this off my chest. I figure it’s a heck of a lot better to ‘riff’ here than it would be to contact him with these feelings. ‘IF’ I see I’m getting a call from him; it might be a good idea not to answer the phone until the next day or so.

    That would send the message that I’m not going to revolve my life around him. It also enables me to keep the ‘ball in my court’. Like I’ve heard, ‘Practice makes perfect’.

    Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you, Violet

  132.  #132Teresa on November 30, 2014 at 11:41 am


    Keep your options open. Men can say all they want. Actions speak louder than words at times. Please do not get emotionally involved to quickly. Lean back….

  133.  #133Kristi Kay on November 30, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    I hear you girl! The wishy washy chaser. I remember having a couple guys on my “list” and one I was more interested in others. He would call me and text me all the time and TALK about seeing me but never actually made legitimate plans. He would get so many opportune moments but never really leaned forward enough.
    I felt so bummed when he acted as if we were dating through the phone. This happened before I became a coach.
    It turns out that he was keeping the space and distance that Rori talks about. This man and I never followed through with anything but I could have sworn I did everything correct.

    Some men are not always looking for us to say “yes” right away.

    When you get authentically busy and feeling good, “yes” doesn’t come as easily.
    Enjoy your options Violet. You’re important and so is your time.

  134.  #134Violet on November 30, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Teresa and Kristi… Thank you very much for providing feedback. The feedback substantiates my thoughts and feelings regarding the matter.

    I’m an assertive woman. Sometimes just I want to go for it and ‘dress a man up, down, and sideways’ for ‘what he said/did’.

    That is when ‘stepping back’ becomes crucial for me. It gives me the opportunity to be objective. It isn’t about him (or even my perception of him). It’s about how I want to feel about myself.

    I know for a fact that I wouldn’t feel good about myself for ‘chasing’. I feel much better when I let men do that.

    Every date is an opportunity to practice, practice, practice. Thank you for reading this and for your feedback, Violet 🙂

  135.  #135Violet on December 3, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    This is in reference to my post @ 131. I’m still feeling completely ‘floored’ about not getting contacted by the man I met off a dating site.
    He either deserves an, ‘Oscar’ as best ‘player’ or my instincts should be thrown clear out the window. As far as I know; my instincts have never failed me.

    I’ve read time, and time, and time again about NOT contacting him. He has my phone number. He can see when I’m online (and visa versa). I’m telling you. It’s like I’m fighting with every iota ounce of energy not to contact him and tell him up, down and sideways.
    I’m sure I’m not the only one this happened to. I feel like everything he said and did was one big joke at my expense.
    I’m 58 yrs. old. It seems I rarely get approached by men unless they’re wanting to get into my pants. It also seems harder to get over feeling ‘rejected’. This makes me feel unattractive, unintelligent, unwanted, you name it.
    Riff, riff, riff, scream, more riffing, struggling to come to terms, etc… I’ll be alright eventually. It just seems like it’s taking ‘turtle time’ for it to happen.

  136.  #136Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Hi Violet
    I can feel your more than annoyance over this. I think it was Victoria who said something to the effect that there is a whole group of men in the 50-60 age range that were players and never did learn the social graces and now they are bitter and mean because their tactics don’t work any more. Or something like that.

    As far as I know he doesn’t deserve the curtesey of you telling him anything. Silence is golden here I feel and it doesn’t pay for you to get your cortisol raised as I’m sure that causes wrinkles.! Take care.

  137.  #137lovetodance on December 3, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    i just want to let you know i hear you…
    and i feel you are so doing the right thing by not contacting him….

    one never knows what is really going on for another person….if they got scared, if they are involved, if they got abducted….if they just aren’t able for whatever reason…i know it is crazy making…and yet….it happens….

    but the awful thing is the big “R” that we then run thro our system….

    we are warm connecting sirens….its hard when the connect is not met…..one never knows about the other…one can only keep slathering love all over oneself and knowing how beautiful she is….which you sooooo are Violet!

    i wish you quick mounting onto your beautiful steed…with the warm wind at your back and beautiful twinkling stars guiding you forth into rich adventures and lustrous experiences where you feel your confidence and sparklingness radiating outward!

  138.  #138Azure Blu on December 3, 2014 at 6:19 pm


    Yes… Yes…
    The moon is almost full and I am on my white horse and “the warm wind at your back and beautiful twinkling stars guiding you forth into rich adventures and lustrous experiences where you feel your confidence and sparklingness radiating outward!”
    I love your powerful visualizations…
    They transport me and move ME!!
    Thank you!

  139.  #139lovetodance on December 3, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    ohhhh thank you azure….that makes me feel so good…!

  140.  #140Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Violet see Labbit 80.

  141.  #141Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    Lovetodance 137 NICE imagery! Mind if I steal this one for my own use?

  142.  #142lovetodance on December 3, 2014 at 6:42 pm


    of course sweet siren…its yours and all of ours!
    i feel so warm
    that you like it!

  143.  #143Indigo on December 3, 2014 at 10:39 pm


    Just my take on this: I wouldn’t spend one more minute worrying about a guy whom you had one date with not contacting you again. And I definitely wouldn’t let it “mean something” – either about you, or even about him and his intentions.

    The only thing you might want to do is use it as a learning experience, go over the date again in your mind and think of any things you might want to do differently next time.

    And then let it go!

    As lovetodance said, we really cannot know the reasons or what someone was thinking when we don’t really know them. Being open and curious is the best way to approach this “dating game” in my experience!

  144.  #144Violet on December 3, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Thank you to everyone for their feedback. I definitely think ‘riffing’ is cathartic. It’s like blowing out the biggest candle of negativity. Once it’s done; it’s time to move on into the ‘cake’ of better things to think about and do, Violet

  145.  #145Victoria on December 4, 2014 at 1:21 am

    @ Violet,
    I am sure by now you don’t even think about him anymore.
    I just could not help but comment at what you said: “at 58 men just want to get into my pants”.
    I think this is true at any age :-).
    The big big reason men are chasing us is because they want to get into our pants, and I think it is absolutely wonderful that this is how it works!

  146.  #146Indigo on December 4, 2014 at 1:25 am


    I agree with you! So much better that they want to get into our pants than the other way around. Imagine how awful it would be if they had no interest in sex.

    The thing is, as women, we are the gatekeepers to that. We get to say yes or no!

  147.  #147Victoria on December 4, 2014 at 1:33 am

    Yes, absolutely.
    Also, I like to think that all men want to have sex with me, and I get to choose from practially the whole male population of the world :-). I mean, I know it sounds a bit ludicrous if you take it literally, but it kind of follows naturally as a consequence of two other facts
    1) men are interested in sex with attractive women
    2) i am an attractive woman.

    I am in an extremely good mood today, as I sure you can see 🙂

  148.  #148teresa on December 4, 2014 at 5:34 am


    I so understand your frustration. Let him come to you….lean back. I learned the hard way as I OVERFUNCTIONED with ” lookingwisely” for 2 years. I being 56 and he being 54. I am now in a very sad place but through this blog and all these wonderful sirens here to listenI know I will move forward and be a better me.

  149.  #149Kristi Kay on December 4, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Reading everything made me think about some feeling I felt when “rejection and being ignored” was a factor. I was so mad…at myself. Of course I thought to myself “how could someone be so cruel and rude to just disappear?” But ultimately I felt disappointed in myself for being vulnerable enough to like this one.
    I took all that anger out on him and I texted him. I blew up on him. I threw a huge fit about it. Lol I knew he would be gone but at the moment I reveled in my triumph. He didn’t have the last of me… oh no.. *waves my finger*… he was gonna see I’m above him.
    I did talk to him months later about that moment and he said to me… “I just thought you needed more attention.”
    Wow…. I thought I was giving him the finger with my words but really…he just saw my action as need for attention. That moment hurt. And it was that moment I realized never again will I make “being ignored” an issue. Because really…I needed to focus on what was going on inside ME.

    I know this was kind of a story telling moment but I just felt so compelled to share. The beauty of perspective and how we all have felt the sting of a “no”… even if it’s unspoken.

  150.  #150Azure Blu on December 4, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Kristi Kay #149
    Love this!!!
    “The beauty of perspective and how we all have felt the sting of a “no”… even if it’s unspoken.”
    Yes… I have felt it… the “unspoken” no from
    NO action

    and Now I can see it more clearly
    because of the RR tools…
    I still have THE urge to try and control the NO
    into a yes…
    but, alas! most of the time… it remains
    a NO…

  151.  #151Catie Jacob on December 6, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    Oh wow, I ADORE the idea of using sounds to express feelings! It feels sexy and real… I can’t wait to try it.

  152.  #152Violet on December 7, 2014 at 5:18 am

    Hello… Got a new man to ‘practice on.’ Our initial interaction was via the dating website I was on. Since then; we have exchanged phone numbers and have texted/talked. It seems like we come from the same point in many areas. Anyway…. He has made a few remarks that definitely come across as sexual innuendoes. He would apologize right after. The last time he did that; he typed, ‘just kidding.’
    I decided to put a stop to this real quick. I texted, ‘All kidding aside. I want to be talked to and treated like a lady.” He responded, ‘Of course; no other way.’ I responded, ”I feel disrespected when sexual innuendos are used.” and left it at that.

    I honestly think he was ‘testing the waters’ to see how I would respond. Whether they realize it or not; men will do that to determine their interaction with a woman. If the woman lets him continue; he would most likely up the anty to see what he can and can’t get away with.

    Men are about pursuit. Some will do as little as possible to see if he can get a woman into bed. However; it isn’t likely he’ll want to pursue a LTR with a woman who allows this to happen right away.

    I just watched a movie called, ‘The Secret.’ It’s based on the ‘laws of attraction’ ie… you project what you want to have and it will happen. I thought about it in terms of advice Rori gives to women re… men.

    Ergo; I will only attract men that will treat me with respect. Letting them know that from the ‘get go’ sets the stage for whether or not a meaningful relationship may come about. Anything less than that gets thrown out the window.

    Thank you for reading this and for your feedback, Violet

  153.  #153Kristi Kay on December 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Wow Violet! You have such a strong and vibrant spirit. It’s good to know what kind of men you want to attract. I totally relate to reaching out verbally and letting them know what is up with my expectations. I always thought I was a queen at “making it clear.” Sometimes you just gotta stand up for yourself right?

    I can say this though… It’s so lovely to find Rori and her tools to know that my boundaries inside me tell me enough so I don’t have to get cut and dry with anyone anymore. I just establish within myself, “I expect respect and I trust my feelings to let me know when it’s being tested.”

    Oh.. I TOTALLY love the law of attraction. favorite perspective ever.
    Many happy thoughts!

  154.  #154Eryne on December 18, 2014 at 7:12 am

    So, what if it’s questions about why he’s looking at an escort service not very far from us, & A LOT of porn? sometimes I think he would rather watch porn than iniate anything with me. Can you ask straight forward ones for that kinda thing?
    Confused & worried

  155.  #155Eryne on December 18, 2014 at 7:13 am

    So, what if it’s questions about why he’s looking at an escort service not very far from us, & A LOT of dirty websites? sometimes I think he would rather watch the dirty websites than iniate anything with me. Can you ask straight forward ones for that kinda thing?
    Confused & worried

  156.  #156Surferchica on December 22, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Eryne, as my therapist says: More information. That’s more information for YOU. You don’t need to ask him to change or do something differently. You get to decide if you like dating a man who enjoys porn and escort services while he’s in a relationship with you. If you don’t like that, then you aren’t with a man who is worthy of you. If you find those things a turn on and you like to be in a relationship with a man who uses porn and escort services, then he’s a good match.

    The issue can’t be asking him to not do those things because then you are setting up a system of checking up on him, asking him to be different than he is and that never works long term.

    Believe a man when he shows you who he is. Then decide if you want all that he brings into your life or not. Simple, though not easy.

  157.  #157Eryne on December 22, 2014 at 11:26 am

    SurferChica –
    (Didn’t mean to post twice phone wasn’t working with me)
    That’s good stuff. It’s got me thinking now. Wow. Thank you. It’s obvious what I should do, just hard because I’m 6 months pregnant with his child. I feel like I’m up the creek without a paddle. Hmmm

  158.  #158Surferchica on December 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Ah, that’s really tough! A wrinkle I didn’t expect! No wonder you feel trapped. I hope you have a good therapist who can help you sort it through. Even though he’s the “father” of the baby, that doesn’t mean you have to make him your lover and partner. But I’m sure that feels daunting too.

    I’m a divorced mom of five (after 25 years of marriage). The issues I saw even before marriage never changed enough to keep me in the marriage, despite the kids. Just thought I’d share that with you so you can have a little perspective—children don’t necessarily help anyone grow or change.