When Enough Waiting Is Enough…

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The Question:

“Rori, I’ve decided to take up with your advice on Circular Dating. Is that something I need to even say anything about to the man I’ve been dating who “Isn’t sure…” ? With Complex Man

My  Answer:

YYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY to Circular Dating!!! You need say NOTHING!!

You just “get a life” and book yourself up when you don’t have advance plans with the guy you’re with.

If you decide to have sex with a new man (and I hope you do!) you can then decide if you want to end sleeping with current man until he knows what he wants.

That’s a big one, so don’t jump – though I truly hope you meet someone with less complexity!!! Love Rori

From “Complex Man”

Thank you for being such a great guide and mentor to me..Your writing is so important and your advice is always spot on.

This is scary (Circular Dating) and I’m not going online about it … but it’s necessary given recent findings I hope that I get some opportunities or lots of them that are fun and happy times

I’m really tired of being stood up and told that I’m it (but he’s scared) and I’m the one and he wants me to move in … but just not yet or I didn’t sleep with her because I didn’t love her or I liked her easygoing attitude or whatever but we just hung out (for months and months) ….and I don’t see her anymore and I can’t find your missing clothes at my house …

Writing this makes me feel angry but I have been told all the right excuses and they are all very convincing .

Ugh huh?

My Answer:

None of it matters.

He doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you’re a young, beautiful woman with a great career and a sense of humor, and you deserve to have a devoted, doting life partner – someone who wants to be with you all the time, do stuff with you, hear your voice.

This is plenty easier than what you’re doing now…you just have to retrain your mind and body to be attracted to one of those men who want you…that’s all there is to it.

If I did it, and so many women I know have done it (this is NOT settling! This is actually retraining yourself and fixing your man picker..)

Love, Rori

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7 Comments

  1.  #1Violet on April 1, 2017 at 7:27 pm

    Hello, I’d like to know your take on a situation. This man and I did some things together as friends. He’d been talking about wanting a relationship and mentioned the type of characteristics he’d like in a partner. What’s ironic is that I have those same characteristics.

    We were at a diner and talking about relationships… I asked, ‘What do you think about us? Do you think this could go anywhere?’ He told me it wouldn’t work because he lives 2 hrs away. I told him ‘thank you for being honest’ and left it at that.

    We and I will run into each other by virtue of attending functions held by a single’s group. I thought I had this whole ‘leaning back’ thing down, but made the mistake of contacting him via email. All I said was that my motto is ‘always a friend’ regardless if we keep in touch or not. He called and we talked some more.

    Now it feels like he’s avoiding me altogether. I’m meeting other men and having a great time. I also feel sad about how this whole thing went down. Especially because he admitted to being attracted to me.

    I’ve decided the best thing I can do is let it go, move on, and just who I am when we run into each other. I’m certainly not contacting him anymore because that feels like one big game I’d be playing with myself.

    What is your take on all of this?



  2.  #2mary on April 2, 2017 at 11:16 am

    Hi Rori! It’s been a long time. Oh my goodness; I’m trying to get back out there again. I lost about five years on a man who loved me and was really charming, but constantly flirted with other women, every time we went out. And then, if I mentioned it, or asked questions, there were hours of discussion, and those hours almost always ended badly. Of course it was my problem! It always was. He wasn’t flirting! He was being SOCIAL. (Then why did it hurt, soooooo much?)

    I decided not to have that problem any more, and I moved away… from him, towards my family, and I’m in a holding pattern far, far away from him. I thought I might find a man here, then possibly move back there someday with my new man and a ring on my finger. Not to parade the new man in front of him, but because I really loved living there. With such a volatile relationship, so far away from my people, it was difficult. And my daughter needed me…

    But… the dating… that’s the necessary step, eh? Sometimes it’s such a roller coaster! I found a really amazing guy at a church event, and there’s a study every week and I see him there. He likes to dance, and last night he showed up to a dance where I was with my friends.

    He came right over to me. He asked me questions. I introduced him around. Then more people came, and he started talking with others, and I sat back down where I was sitting when he first came. (I don’t know why; maybe I should have stayed, talking with him?) Maybe I didn’t flirt with him enough?

    Anyway, he came over and asked me to dance. I’m usually a great dancer, but I liked him so much that I felt too shy to do more than sway from side to side and smile at him. After two dances he put his hand on my shoulder to guide me off the dance floor.

    Then I disappeared for a while because it was still light outside, and I prefer to dance in the dark. When it got darker, ten minutes later, I appeared again, and he came over and said, “Where were you?” And asked me to dance. We danced two dances and it was easier then. He mentioned a group that dances every Friday night – country and western – and said they have lessons beforehand (I don’t know the two-step…) and then he put his hand on my back again and led me off the floor. Then he was immediately back on the floor with the woman he had been talking with all evening, and it was a slow dance.

    I felt rejected. I wish I didn’t, but I did. It’s like he didn’t want to dance the slow dance with me, or something. Maybe he was nervous too? I think he really likes me…

    I honestly don’t know how to do the flirting thing on the dance floor… I don’t want to be a nuisance and follow a guy around, and I don’t feel terribly casual about the whole dating scene.

    Does anyone have suggestions? I know some people just get out and dance… but it’s more of a couple thing where I live, and the guys usually ask the girls to dance. That’s just the way it is.

    Anyway, I got up this morning and read this…

    “None of it matters.

    He doesn’t matter.

    What matters is that you’re a young, beautiful woman with a great career and a sense of humor, and you deserve to have a devoted, doting life partner – someone who wants to be with you all the time, do stuff with you, hear your voice.

    This is plenty easier than what you’re doing now…you just have to retrain your mind and body to be attracted to one of those men who want you…that’s all there is to it.”

    That made me feel better, Rori! Thank you.

    Oh my heart…



  3.  #3Femininewoman on April 4, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Rori your answer puts a woman squarely as the star of her own show



  4.  #4Angelica on April 5, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    Hello everyone! It’s been a while.. few years. I’m back to dating and I’m doing reeally well with leaning back.. too well actually. I want to answer people when I’m in a good frame of mind and can be present, not being hounded all the time by guys Are there any articles or progrms that address this? I have all the old programs but it was a while since I listened to them…



  5.  #5Ariana on April 25, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    Dear Rori,
    First let me just say one thing: I love you!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your hard learned lessons and wisdom with all of us.
    I recently purchased your Commitment Blueprint program and I love your idea of the girlfriend trap. I have been with a man for over a year and he is just not ready to start a family and I am tired of being committed to him while he is just going on dates with me. I want to get out of the girlfriend trap but I dont don’t know how. Do I need to be honest with him and tell him I will start dating other men? If I don’t, what if he finds out? He will call me a cheater and not want to see me again…



  6.  #6Rori Raye on May 5, 2017 at 3:35 pm

    Violet, you did great….keep moving on….his answer was a polite “no” …Love, Rori



  7.  #7Rori Raye on May 5, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    Ariana – start with not really dating – just getting out, by yourself, with friends, etc…going to meetup groups and hiking groups, and talking with people. When you start to feel the presence of other men as “good feeling” – just see if anyone asks you out. If you want to go…that’s when you deliver the “no girlfriend speech” to your current man. You don’t have to STOP dating him – you just have to open it up…Love, Rori