When Fear Is Stopping You – And You Don’t Even Know it…

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The Gatekeeper croppedTo me, fear is always at bottom.

I deal with my fears holding me back every single minute of every day…

When I listen to my mother talk (sweet and wonderful and supportive and loving as she is and has always been – I was and am very lucky) – nearly every single thing she says feels to me like a worry or fear.

And that’s in the cells of my body.

It’s hard for me to make decisions, or even know what I want because fear, down deep, sends me off in so many directions.

I often can’t “instantly” tell which feelings and “wants” are inspired by my dreams, and which by my fears.

It’s the sinking in and making choices to be BRAVE and Courageous – every single moment – that’s key for me.

The decision itself (or the thing I’m deciding about) isn’t so important.

In fact, the decision and the “thing” are most often irrelevant – because  “things” tend to work themselves out the way they work out (and often they’re guided by my subconscious thoughts and feelings – the ones I “don’t know”).

It’s the feeling of peace that comes when I listen to my deepest self that makes the difference.

And as you practice this, too, and get used to it, you’ll begin to notice how that feeling of “peace” feels different from the confusion that happens when you’re listening to something more at the surface – in your head and “old pattern voices” – where the fears live.

Love, Rori

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162 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 3, 2014 at 6:43 am

    I love that feeling of peace.



  2.  #2IamHis on November 3, 2014 at 6:57 am

    I feel very sad of how much impact I’ve allowed fear to have in my life. Love your writing, Rori!



  3.  #3Victoria on November 3, 2014 at 7:22 am

    I had a fight yesterday with Favorite. The exact details are not important, but to give you an overview, I have told him numerous times that a certain behavior of his upsets me, and he did it again. I know he simply can not stop himself.
    We met today on his request, he said we needed to talk. I was so afraid that he will decide to break up with me. The thing is, I have considered breaking up with him several times, because I find him defficient in numerous ways. But the thought that he may decide to end things because I repeatedly told him that he fails to make me happy and/or upsets me, is quite scary to me. So I went to the meeting with the agenda to prevent him from leaving me. Here you go, as pathetic as it gets.
    Anyhow, he asked me point blank what is the truth of how I feel about him. And the truth is, he makes little money, is lazy, beta, lacks initiative, is not leading our relationship anywhere. But what I said to him is the following: the truth is, that I love you with all my heart, and I hope you could be my forever man, but I feel we are both armoured and not allowing each other to get really close to each other. And I hope that we could have the wisdom and patience to let each other ovecome the walls between us, and be very close”. And when I said it I realized that this truth, the second thruth, overcomes the first thruth, to the point that the first truth is irrelevant.
    So I opened myself to him. I did not feel him opening back, I think he was too upset from the things I had said to him yesterday, and he was almost in disbelief and did not know how to react. Anyhow, I let him leave with my words, I am sure he will be thinking about them. But the best thing is, I was honest with him, and no longer worry about him. If he is my forever man, it is great, if not, just as great. I have no worries, either way.



  4.  #4sweet goddess on November 3, 2014 at 7:26 am

    wow! resonates with me.

    Nothing like that feeling of peace, calm and authenticity when we listen to our inner voice of courage and go for what we want than let fear guide us and diminish our choices.

    felt so comforting to read that even women like Rori have to work through with this each moment 🙂



  5.  #5Tatia on November 3, 2014 at 8:10 am

    I am soooooooooooooo
    in love with this statement Rori
    “And as you practice this, too, and get used to it, you’ll begin to notice how that feeling of “peace” feels different from the confusion that happens when you’re listening to something more at the surface – in your head and “old pattern voices” – where the fears live.”

    Going to share it!

    Love,

    Tatia



  6.  #6Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Viollette #95… from last thread
    When I read what you have shared about AD…
    I feel very confused…
    You sound confused…

    Do you think he has sustained a closed head injury…
    has he ever mentioned an accident or anything?

    My ex… childrens father… had an undiagnosed close head injury
    I always thought something was Oddd about him… something was off… BUT he had learned to cover it soo welll… also VERY handsome and charming…
    But couldn’t put my finger on it…
    He was raised in Argentina… in a very affluent family..
    They had a large courtyard that connected 2 homes…
    When he was 10 he took some VERY high explosives…
    lit them and it blew up all the windows, his face,
    took a finger off, he had glass throughout his body… hearing loss
    Now they have more information about closed head injuries… I have read about and alll makes more since…
    It was my son that actually pointed out that
    anyone standing THAT close to that kind of explosives couldn’t help but have the brain hit against the skull multiple times… NOT good….
    Just my thoughts…



  7.  #7Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 9:31 am

    (((Victoria#3)))
    Amazing… this feels to me like it goes along with what Rori is saying here…
    Ahhhh… Sigghhhh… the peace of choosing to let go of any agenda or outcome…
    Such a Siren…
    Thank you for sharing…

    I felt that too with Spirit on Friday…
    I leaned back… listened to him as he shared his loving kind feelings he has for me, with open heart… shared some of my truths and concerns…
    AND alll the wonderful things I like about HIM!!! :-))

    BUT did NOT say I would stop dating others!!!
    because he did not offer anything to change…

    Which helps with ME keeping MY Peaceful feelings.
    and what I notice is… If Spirit and I can work this out…GREAT
    If NOT that’s GREAT too!!! :-))

    It was YOU, Victoria, that sooo inspired me to start CDing again with Spirit
    as you did with Favorite… I pasted and copied your FM you shared with him a few weeks past.
    It was text book, Siren perfect!



  8.  #8Victoria on November 3, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Thank you Azure,
    Your kind words warm my heart.
    By the way, several hours later i am still so happy with myself, i am walking on air!
    Love to all sirens!



  9.  #9Victoria on November 3, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Azure,
    What did i actually say to inspire you?



  10.  #10Kim on November 3, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Just checking in with you…so Azure Blu, wow, that’s great that you are still managing to stay open to Spirit AND look after your own best interests, i e dating others!!
    I can tell you that this is what has served me very well…

    I am having lovely weekends with MoM, but this weekend I felt myself…a little bored, a little closed off, and feeling irritated with small things about him, for example he can get very argumentative and stubborn, and he can be soooooo sloooooowwwwww..it took him 3 hours to get ready for a football game, he woke me up at 5:45 on a Sunday morning, and frankly I felt pissed because when I do not get enough sleep my day is ruined.
    By Sunday night I felt like I wanted to murder him lol.

    I am so happy that I have other dates lined up this week, more energetic, more masculine and ‘moving things on’ men. I guess part of why I get irritated now might have to do with him NOT MOVING ANYTHING forward. He is sweet, kind, respectful most of the time, treats me like a princess, cooks for me, takes me out etc etc. BUT. It still feels just like dating..and in many ways I am beginning to feel glad that it is just dating…maybe it is me? Maybe I am a little shy when it comes to intimacy…or maybe I am just beginning to feel bored and turned off with what Rori said, men who can’t really do a full-on relationship.
    I honestly don’t know…I will keep trying to feel what is going on.

    He got very irritated by me going on dates with other men, and argumentative, but I just feel amused by it and it rolls off my back like water off a duck’s back.
    I don’t see anything at all wrong with what I am doing, and he as much told me that he finds it strange that I do not want to be a girlfriend…so I said that I have explained to him many times as to why. And he argued: but you have to be a girlfriend first!!!

    No, I don’t have to be a girlfriend first. Who says that? I have known and dated this man for on-off 15 months now, not so much a word has been uttered as to moving in or the future or whatever. I wouldn’t feel good being a girlfriend when it is all so fuzzy…and I am looking for my forever man, not a ‘just for now’. He knows that too.
    😉



  11.  #11Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 9:54 am

    ((((Kim)))
    Welcome back… I feel happy to hear from you!!!
    I was going to leave a message on here
    wondering where you are?

    Yes, I am understanding better how to do the
    Cding AND continue dating a man I was exclusive with…
    Not capitulating (stopping CDing) until he is offering more of what I want…
    You are a great role model for me with
    MoM and cding also…

    How are things going with your visa etc… and selling your condo?



  12.  #12Kim on November 3, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Azure Blue, aw thanks for asking…I am still clinging on…not sure it will be for long, but so far so good.



  13.  #13Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Victoria…
    Finalllly… I found what I had saved…
    Sooo many posts I save in a folder on my computer…

    It was from Labbitt dealing with Tendercd
    here it is:
    “the exclusivity chat. He brought it up.
    We talked about our relationship expectations,
    and my feeling is that to be exclusive I need to see him x times a week,
    talk to him every day and
    know that we’re on a path to marriage.
    He was not on the same page.
    As hard as it was for me to say,
    I shared that was fine,
    I didn’t want to pressure him,
    I really enjoy being with him,
    and until he felt ready I was going to continue dating other men.
    At first TenderCD got very mad and didn’t say anything.
    It was so hard to feel his anger and
    not do anything.
    He tried asking questions about who I would see
    and what we’d do and
    I responded that it didn’t matter,
    I wasn’t looking to date a bunch of men,
    I was looking for ONE man and that until he appeared
    I didn’t feel comfortable committing to anything.
    More silence.
    I felt my heart beating a million miles an hour.
    He stared at me and I leaned back and opened up as much as I could, looking back at him softly.

    Being brave and standing up for myself has felt hard, but it gets easier every time.
    I see that the more I take care of myself the more a good man will want to take care of me.
    Right now I am working on filling my life up outside of dating,
    so my mind doesn’t keep circling back to the men in my life and worrying.
    I look forward to my mind feeling at ease and living from my heart!”



  14.  #14Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 10:25 am

    (((Kim)))
    Sooo glad you are still here!



  15.  #15Kim on November 3, 2014 at 10:27 am

    The other thing is, in my situation it makes even less sense to hang around with a non-committal man for too long, so I do keep re-assessing the situation from time to time.
    I do feel loving feelings towards MoM, but I can’t say that I really feel in love with him…and I am kinda certain that his non-committal attitude, even if it is just his general slow-ness, is contributing to me not really ‘feeling it’ for him on all those levels…he is more like a fwb for me, except he treats me so nicely and we have a lot in common…
    and in the end, everything happens as it is supposed to happen.
    I am almost more excited about meeting someone new than I would be if he were to step up now…dilly dallying turns me off somewhat.



  16.  #16Kim on November 3, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Thank you Azure!!!! 🙂



  17.  #17Kim on November 3, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Azure, this:
    ‘my feeling is that to be exclusive I need to see him x times a week,
    talk to him every day and
    know that we’re on a path to marriage.’
    is exactly how I feel. How nicely put!!



  18.  #18Kim on November 3, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Oh I just saw it was from Labbit..lol.



  19.  #19Victoria on November 3, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Azure,
    I knew it must not have been me, but the Labbit post is really wonderful.
    I am not that brave. Otherwise, like Kim ( and probably you) know that with my forever man i need to see him every day, and wake up next to him every morning. But i would not say it. What if he turns me down? It is him who has to initiate, as beta as he is, he does not respond well when i initiate. So, patience and CDing!



  20.  #20Mandy on November 3, 2014 at 11:55 am

    As a naturally anxious person, I feel fear all the time.
    What is really cool though is that bravery is not absence of fear, it is facing the fear and saying you are not the boss of me! Boy I know this can be rough.

    J told me last night aboput how I am always home and he needs some space, and so I am thinking to myself, I feel afraid of doing something just because he needs me to. It’s like, what about me? Then I think, I feel so angry he can just sit here by himself!
    Then I think, but, if I go out, I have to spend money…can’t go to the fitness room because it’s being remodeled…

    But ya, it’s tough trying to figure out what I REALLY want for some reason, that I can obtain for myself. Maybe just some fun, with a friend. Most friendly meetings I’ve had recently have either been awkward, boring or upsetting. I think what would be really good is if I could get a good girlfriend to hang out with me who I get along with famously and just watch a movie or talk over coffee.

    I feel afraid of even going on Facebook, because J gets very jealous and angry, thinking his time with me is being taken up by others, but right now it might do me some good to just do it while he’s here, because he says I’m “ALWAYS here”. I thought being happy that he’s home was good, but apparently he needs space. Yes I do feel angry about it. First he’s like, hey where are you, then he’s like I need to write on the email, and I’m thinking, okay, what do you want, do you want to talk to me, or can I go do my own thing for once? I feel like he never lets me do my own thing, but he’s asking me to let him do his own thing even though when I do mine, he gets mad.

    Doesn’t seem too fair. Maybe I will just have to do it and let him deal tonight, and just make sure whatever the case, that I have fun and take my own space. I’m definitely getting a manicure today, that’s for sure.

    Gotta make sure the anger and weird feelings doesn’t ruin my day though, I am notorious for that…UGH, it sucks so bad! 😛



  21.  #21Azure Blu on November 3, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Victoria #19
    For me also… I want lots of time together…
    lots of phone and text contact…
    Spirit, like Favorite, and most men…
    doesn’t like to be wrangled (something I was doing too much of before he ask for space)
    Sooo… as we welll know, I am letting the relationship unfold organically while flexing my emotional intimacy muscles and learning how to keep leaning back!!
    :=|
    sooo difficult!!



  22.  #22Mandy on November 3, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    (But today does not suck…I did a fabulous Photoshop edit of one of my recent photos…that makes me very happy)



  23.  #23Annie on November 3, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    This post resonates with me so much, even about my darling mum who, like Rori’s, though absolutely loving, seemed to emphasise the risks of any actions. I have always had trouble making decisions and having faith in my choices, often second guessing myself afterwards, causing even more stress. I so want to be ‘brave and courageous’, to have that feeling of peace instead of confusion. Thank you, Rori.



  24.  #24Dominique on November 3, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Sweet Goddess – 4 – We ALL have to work with this, even someone like the Dalai Lama at time I would imagine, but it does get easier with time and practice, and the episodes fewer and farther between.

    xxoo



  25.  #25Kim on November 3, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    21 Azure Blue..me too! I also found it interesting that the men it didn’t work out with seemed to want less contact than me…for me it is about keeping a connection.
    When I don’t hear from or speak to my man for a day or longer, I find myself a little sad and feeling neglected, like ‘doesn’t he want to know how my day was?’
    And to me it is fake when a man only is in contact when he worries I am on another date…which has been another issue with MoM. He is nkt overly communicative, but seems more so at night when he is worried I am not alone.
    To me, that feels weird, honestly.
    Like I wouldn’t hear from him had I agreed to exclusivity…really?!



  26.  #26Zia on November 3, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Hi ladies! Just checking in 🙂 a couple of weeks ago my boyfriend and I went on our first holiday together. It was awesome. The day after we got back, he sent me a message to say that he’d like us to move in together soon, and we’ve been talking about when and where. We had only spoken about it once previously, and at that time he said he would need a lot of time before moving in together (up to 2 years possibly). So I was pleasantly surprised, and I feel super excited about it!



  27.  #27Daria on November 3, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    you know it Rori

    turn your magnet ONNN look in the mirror say wassup

    wassup wassup



  28.  #28Kim on November 3, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Zia, that sounds so lovely!!



  29.  #29IamHis on November 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    I don’t know what I want. It is difficult for me to make decisions. I feel so uncertain!

    Once again, I feel scared of being judged and “yelled at” on the blog. About my patterns. About how ridiculous I am or something.

    I love my patterns! I love my ridiculousness! It’s okay! I’m just trying to figure myself out! and typing that…i feel teary.

    I recently took a short trip just to be with people. Because I needed to be with people and not alone in my parent’s cold house while they are away.

    and being on the road felt so good.

    and arriving at a place that felt so safe, where I felt so welcome felt so good.

    and being around warm, gentle, understanding people felt so good.

    and I felt caffeinated and filled with excitement to be around old friends and to be meeting new people.

    It felt magical.

    and I saw this old guy friend. and I felt…I felt myself holding back. I felt like I wanted to hug him but something inside me was like “no.”

    he’s in a relationship, his first serious relationship and he’s younger than me, and she’s younger than both of us and I feel so jealous.

    I did him a favor a few weeks back and he treated me to lunch to sort of “pay me back,” I guess. I wanted to control my emotions, and I guess I did, it all felt very platonic.

    am i supposed to control my emotions? I just felt what I was feeling and it was platonic a few weeks ago.

    but seeing him a couple of days ago. I don’t know…I felt angry? Like, I can’t have you and I don’t want to feel anything for you and so, no, I’m not going to hug you.

    I guess I do feel something for him. I’m so tired of this. Feeling things for unavailable people. It’s almost like I don’t know how i feel until they are unavailable, but once again, this is not true, I was feeling something from him a couple of years ago, and he ran away from me.

    Was I leaning forward? I was worried about him and I wanted to talk to him and just make sure he was okay as a friend, he had experienced this huge loss, and I felt him running away from me so I just gave up.

    and then he started dating this girl and all the sudden he wanted to be around me, asking about me, maybe he felt safer since he was in a relationship?

    but a few days ago, I could tell he didn’t like that I didn’t hug him. I had a wall up. but I don’t know what I feel/felt. I feel confused. I feel jealous of his relationship and of his friendships with the opposite sex. he really values them, and wants to nurture them in a platonic way and I can tell he tries to be careful because we’ve talked about he’s been friend-zoned, and he’s been so hurt by being friend zoned.

    So I kind of…not avoided him, but just kind of tried to do my own thing with all the other people around.

    and he kept coming around me. and I felt happy and bubbly and friendly…like my true self…the one somewhere deep inside here that isn’t scared, that hasn’t been hurt or jaded or abandoned…but just me…how I used to be.

    and he kept coming around.

    and I just feel so angry and teary and I miss him now. He took a selfie of us and we looked really good and I feel angry because I’ll probably never see it.

    This feels so confusing.

    and then this other guy, someone told me I needed to meet this other guy because he was new to the area like me. and I felt bubbly and really happy to be meeting him and I could tell that almost instantly he was attracted to me. I leaned back. He followed me around. Made me laugh.

    He had to leave, and hugged me goodbye, and then immediately friend requested me on fb, started chatting with me, asked for my number, started texting me. I used feeling messages about how scared I feel about the uncertainty in my life and he opened up to me about his own life. and I feel confused about how I feel about this new guy.

    and old friend wanted my attention seeing me with this new guy…

    I feel angry and like cursing.

    I didn’t answer new guy’s last text because I didn’t know how to answer him. I feel myself shutting down.

    and i feel angry and confused and stuck and frustrated.

    and lonely.

    really, really, really lonely.



  30.  #30IamHis on November 3, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    I feel judgmental of New Guy. and even old friend guy, even him…I don’t think I want him as my forever man.

    Shortly after the guy “who brought me here” I leaned forward with College Guy, because in my eyes, he was one of the few men that could ever measure up to “guy who brought me here.”

    Incredibly smart. A little nerdy, balding, but beautiful. Dirty blond hair, very manly, and I just…I just wanted him.

    So introduced myself. We had theological discussions. This was all before I knew about Rori.
    I remember this one point where he seemed so mesmorized by me that he nearly fell out of his chair for leaning towards me while we were talking. I remember I was wearing my favorite beat-up red t-shirt.

    He floats in and out of my life, and when he’s in, he’s always this huge comfort. The best hugger in the universe. Huge heart, with a passion for helping the less fortunate. I found Rori. Used feeling messages all the time.

    …and now he’s so successful, living his dream, and I was there when that dream started and I’m so proud of him. I respect him so much, and I’ve told him that before.

    I want that kind of man. That I deeply respect. and there’s a nasty voice telling me that I’m not hot enough or smart enough or driven enough or full of enough heart or passion or muscle for him. He’s my dream guy, and I don’t feel good enough for him and that makes me feel angry.

    If he were pursuing me, there would be one thing (religion. always religion.) that might hold me back. But I love talking to him about theology. and I make it as personal and emotional as I can because it is those things to me.

    I hadn’t even been thinking about him but I had a dream that we were in a relationship and holding hands and it felt SO UNBELIEVABLY good and that’s what made me look him up and check on him and that’s when I noticed his professional dreams are coming true.

    and I’m so proud of him, but I know I need to be leaning back, but wow, I miss him.

    What’s going on with me?

    I have dreams, I want to be a better person, and he’s out there; he represents a part of my dream.

    I want to be strong and smart and driven but also soft and vulnerable and creative and flowy.

    I just feel so confused about everything!

    that dream made me feel so melty…



  31.  #31Violette on November 3, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Azure Blue thank you for your comment about AD. Maybe he does have a brain problem. It’s a viewpoint I hadn’t considered.

    I feel exhausted by being upset about him. I want to just be fine with things. I have never been in this situation before.

    We had a major talk the other night, and I felt so relieved that he actually heard me about something. And at dinner I told him I loved him. I really felt it, and I was feeling such a release from the earlier conversation, and he kept wanting me to say it and I only wanted to say it when I wanted to.

    I almost regretted it. He acted like he couldn’t believe it, like he wanted to throw a parade, and started talking about how we’re going to be good together and in a year this and that…

    I don’t want to marry him. I feel sad about it, because he wants to give me everything I want, houses in other countries, a family, total emotional support. But I can’t see myself marrying a man I can’t discuss a book with, or an opera, without him going totally blank and telling me I’m so smart and cultured and I teach him things. Like every time.

    I do love him though. It feels absolutely amazing, very foreign and healthy and nutritious, to have a partner, someone who wants to be in my life and help me and make me happy. I don’t want to stop dating him. And maybe I would even be his girlfriend (a concept I’d given up on when I discovered this way of dating about 3 years ago…I didn’t expect to have a man I don’t want to marry who wants to marry me…). I feel such discomfort though around his future talk about marriage. I don’t want to hurt him, and I feel like I’m investing so much in him, I don’t want to end up empty without him.



  32.  #32Violette on November 3, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    I feel afraid that if I stay with him I’ll become like my mom, constantly criticizing my dad, because they weren’t probably a good match. I feel so exhausted with feeling annoyed at the things he says, how he repeats himself, how he says things like, oh he never cries. And then the next time I see him he says he cries all the time. Which is it?!

    He changes what he says and I feel so lost and unsure in that. And this whole experience has me feeling a little devastated tonight, feels painful.



  33.  #33IamHis on November 3, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    New Guy has been pouring on the compliments. They feel amazing to hear…



  34.  #34Rori Raye on November 3, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Annie – You’re welcome – you sound lovely….in my world, you already ARE brave and courageous….Love, Rori



  35.  #35SportySmile on November 3, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    I am moved to tears when I read this I dont know why; I experience FEAR I understand;I FEAR not getting a loved one, I fear losing my parents and a whole lot of them I fear marrying the wrong man;I dont know why I have so many fears



  36.  #36Victoria on November 4, 2014 at 12:18 am

    @ Violette 31
    Is it possible for you to tell him in feeling messages how you feel about the situation, the good, the bad and the ugly? Or just the good and the bad? Please note that I am not recommending this to you at all, I just think it is valid option to consider.
    I am in a similar situation in the way that I have (at least) one serious problem with FavoriteCD and that is that he is not making good money (he is intelligent and educated, but lacks the selfdiscipline and motivation to progress at work). It may seem like the exact opposite situation of yours, but in fact it isn’t. It is yet another personality trait that makes his lifestyle difficult to merge with mine. Not impossible but difficult. I have tried to hint at him some time ago that I value success in men – he got so mad at me. Big mistake of mine – if you follow the rule to never unfavorably compare a man to other men. I though I was very subtle, but probably I was not. He kept nagging at me and teasing me that I am so unfortunate to be dating an unsuccessful man. Also, he keeps telling me he intends to do that and this and the other in order to be able to make more money, and he does nothing, and I see he is all talk and no action. I am at a loss as to what to tell him. So I say nothing, just smile, and encourage him with words, but I never dare ask him, so are you actually going to do anything about those projects of yours?
    So, I have not been brave handling this. I am still undecided as to whether this is a deal breaker for me. Kind of what you are wondering yourself, so I am very curious about how your thinking goes with AD.



  37.  #37Victoria on November 4, 2014 at 5:20 am

    @Azure Blu 7
    Do you think Spirit realized that you actually intend to/already are seeing other men?
    Do you think he deliberately chooses to stay away from this topic?
    Am I overthinking?
    Do you think there might be a male blog somewhere in the universe where Spirit is giving advice to Favorite how to play* me? (*please atttibute the choice of the word play to my limited Enlglish language skills :-))



  38.  #38sweet goddess on November 4, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Rori, Dominique, Sirens

    Yesterday my husband came home and shared some very sensitive office information with his friends and colleagues. It was something about how his boss lied to side him in a meeting and how much his boss likes him etc etc

    I could see the friends´faces contracting – I am not sure if it was in envy or disbelief. Either way, I felt soooooo much fear coming up. The voices in my head judged him as being “too open”, “not diplomatic enough,” not knowing what to share and what to keep private. I made the mistake of saying it to him – he said to me honey, I will ALWAYS be open about everything to my friends and colleagues, because that´s how real relationships are formed. Not by pretending and hiding and sharing selectively.

    I didn´t try to convince him. I knew I was coming from a place of fear, from a place of counting all risks involved in such open and fearless talk regarding your “own boss” and I said sorry to him for interfering, it just felt unsafe to me.

    Of course men don´t listen. Of course I made a mistake by sharing my fear based head talk and how I feel afraid around this stuff, as all learnt from childhood and my mom as well… people are evil, they use your information against you and blah blah.

    Sometimes I feel so frustrated. Can we REALLY let our guard down even at workplace so much? It seems to me sometimes as though my man is the epitome of feminine energy – openness, fearlessness, vulnerability and I sit here practicing this daily and trying not to let my masculine energy overtake me. Didn´t feel good. I won´t repeat it but i do have to confess..it takes a lot of hard work sometimes. May be I have to let him make a big mistake in his career for him to learn but yes I certainly don´t have a right to tell him what to do.
    Ah. Feels strange.



  39.  #39Zia on November 4, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Just been having a look at some of my posts from last year, wow how much has changed! My world is do different now! I feel so happy!! I knew it would change, I didn’t know what it would look like but I knew it would change. I just want to give 2013 me a great big hug and say thank you for doing all the hard work 🙂 🙂



  40.  #40prplpsn28 on November 4, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Haven’t heard from H in over a week now. But it’s ok. I just joined POF yesterday. Time to put myself out there and try dating. Also, since I am still not working I am going to start looking into going back to school to better myself. It’s scary. Haven’t been to school in 30 years. Yikes



  41.  #41purpleposeys on November 4, 2014 at 6:39 am

    Good Morning, Sirens..

    Thoughts for circular dating when married. Ideas, things that have worked, how to get out of my head and into my heart?

    I am struggling here with wanting to pull the pin (that is reactionary) and have got to find a way to get into my heart and take care of me.

    I feel I have hit a wall.



  42.  #42Dominique on November 4, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Purple – I went back to school as an adult, and it was one of the best experiences. Opened my mind and heart is new and exciting ways, broadened my horizons. I started with a local community college for many reasons, cost mainly, but also because it gave me the opportunity to explore what classes appealed to me and which direction I might want to go. The school I chose was a wonderful, loving and supportive environment, encouraging creativity and individuality. When I transferred to UCLA, my experience wasn’t as warm and fuzzy. But I was on a mission to finish, so this saw me through. If you feel drawn to this, I recommend it as a rewarding experience all around.

    xxoo



  43.  #43Veronica on November 4, 2014 at 8:22 am

    From the last thread:

    Indigo – 59 – It feels so comforting to be heard like this Thank you xx. For some reason I had you in my thoughts while trying to sift through this, I had some inkling that you would know. And your words have expanded this ‘open space’ for me – it is indeed ambiguous as though anything could pitch up and my fears could easily distort or even determine what pitches up. xoxo

    Azure Blu -60 & 61
    Your name somehow reminds me of Angela Hewitt playing Clair de lune – how exquisitely she makes the music come alive. And oh my so delicate. (I’m referring to the youtube video of her playing, even the way she plays it compels me to feel inspired.)

    Gosh your message touched me. I can’t describe it but it feels enheartening hearing from you.

    The open space: I noticed it when I realized one day that we had spent a day doing effectively nothing – there was no special conversation or magical activity that revealed something remarkable and yet I felt so at ease with that. We had spent the whole day together and part of me was initially concerned that I was just slipping into lazy relationship mode, that we weren’t growing/bonding/connecting. When I was home and thought carefully about the day, I began to slowly understand that it’s not the activities or moments themselves that do something, that rather something else deeply connecting is happening/building. That the listening and being together was good in itself but something much deeper was happening slowly quietly underneath all our interactions.
    It’s this space for he and me to just be, to try and to grow and to play – space for me or him or us to bring what we are for each other to witness or share. A space for us to recede from or move into – it’s not defined and anything can pitch up. My desires, his desires, our tiredness, one of our tempers – just space. It’s become more pronounced or I feel it more once I started practicing listening, just letting him talk, share. Over time it’s contributed to something connecting growing between us such that him pondering my smile thrills him and him contacting me feels like something delicious passing over my tongue.

    ****
    I also had noticed a blankness I had regarding what happened with Spirit. I realized the other day that I too had those fears of disappearance after such closeness. Then I felt all the pain of that and the bewilderment of ‘how do I keep this love of mine alive’; the courage needed to choose the love I believe in. Azure, I feel such tenderness for you in this moment having opened myself to these feelings and I keep you in mind as you move closer to the love you need. xxx



  44.  #44Mistea1 on November 4, 2014 at 8:42 am

    (((( Purple ))))) I encourage you to consider school. I went back at age 50. Surprisingly there were a number of other older adults there. Enough to have fun with. I took some basic math classes at the community college level a few years before and it really helped. Because of finances I finished 2 years in 1.5 years but still had loads of fun. My only regret? Not having the insights I gained from Rori’s website!! Enjoy!



  45.  #45Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Wowwww!!! Purple!!!
    You sound AMAZING!!! Soooo Strong on the inside!
    Soft on the outside…
    You have done soooo much hard work…
    Sooo quickly!!!
    For me getting on POF really helped to keep practicing, and taking my focus OFF of Spirit…
    It surely was Overwhelming with soooo many men contacting… but I just took one at a time…
    Yay us!!



  46.  #46Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Zia #38
    Ohhh…. darling Siren… what an inspiration to read about your success story…
    I feel VERY happy for YOU!!!

    What a good idea to read over your journey by going back to your archived comments!!!

    It is what I wish for myself… a man to want to move in and ask for it!!
    Zia, this alll sounds sooooo yummie!!
    Thank you for sharing



  47.  #47Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Victoria #37
    He does know I am on POF…
    and he is not happy about it… He is VERY hurt-
    He brought up all the ways he loves me…
    we even had soft, loving, fun sex that night (which HE had taken off the table, before) I let him into my heart – I was flexing my emotional intimacy muscle!!!

    BUT he did NOT bring up being exclusive…
    I just had fun and enjoyed his loving, warm, masculine yummieness…

    My new resolve is—-I CANT lean forward…
    IF he wants more he knows what that will require..
    Softly, warmly… with my boundaries in tact,,,



  48.  #48Veronica on November 4, 2014 at 9:20 am

    I wrote a long comment to Indigo and Azure Blu which is in moderation, I hope it goes through



  49.  #49Veronica on November 4, 2014 at 9:22 am

    I’m not going to wait : ) I’ve decided to copy and paste

    From the last thread:

    Indigo – 59 – It feels so comforting to be heard like this Thank you xx. For some reason I had you in my thoughts while trying to sift through this, I had some inkling that you would know. And your words have expanded this ‘open space’ for me – it is indeed ambiguous as though anything could pitch up and my fears could easily distort or even determine what pitches up. xoxo

    Azure Blu -60 & 61
    Your name somehow reminds me of Angela Hewitt playing Clair de lune – how exquisitely she makes the music come alive. And oh my so delicate. (I’m referring to the youtube video of her playing, even the way she plays it compels me to feel inspired.)

    Gosh your message touched me. I can’t describe it but it feels enheartening hearing from you.

    The open space: I noticed it when I realized one day that we had spent a day doing effectively nothing – there was no special conversation or magical activity that revealed something remarkable and yet I felt so at ease with that. We had spent the whole day together and part of me was initially concerned that I was just slipping into lazy relationship mode, that we weren’t growing/bonding/connecting. When I was home and thought carefully about the day, I began to slowly understand that it’s not the activities or moments themselves that do something, that rather something else deeply connecting is happening/building. That the listening and being together was good in itself but something much deeper was happening slowly quietly underneath all our interactions.
    It’s this space for he and me to just be, to try and to grow and to play – space for me or him or us to bring what we are for each other to witness or share. A space for us to recede from or move into – it’s not defined and anything can pitch up. My desires, his desires, our tiredness, one of our tempers – just space. It’s become more pronounced or I feel it more once I started practicing listening, just letting him talk, share. Over time it’s contributed to something connecting growing between us such that him pondering my smile thrills him and him contacting me feels like something delicious passing over my tongue.

    ****
    I also had noticed a blankness I had regarding what happened with Spirit. I realized the other day that I too had those fears of disappearance after such closeness. Then I felt all the pain of that and the bewilderment of ‘how do I keep this love of mine alive’; the courage needed to choose the love I believe in. Azure, I feel such tenderness for you in this moment having opened myself to these feelings and I keep you in mind as you move closer to the love you need. xxx



  50.  #50Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Viollett & Victoria…
    Dominique has such a wonderful question to ask of ourselves
    do you think you could accept your men just the way they are…??

    Also Rori reminds us of this….
    “The only thing that matters is this:
    “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him –
    I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “
    That’s it.
    Who he is and How he is mean nothing.
    How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts.
    And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM.
    I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM,
    or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is,
    or how much “fun” you have together,
    or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.”
    “None of that means ANYTHING.
    We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.”
    The only thing that means anything is
    how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.
    So write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.)”



  51.  #51Veronica on November 4, 2014 at 9:26 am

    I tried to copy and paste it as a way to hopefully get it visible sooner – no such luck. hm no swearing, body parts, links to sites – oh well luck of the draw I suppose. If it becomes moderated it should be posts 41 & 47



  52.  #52Veronica on November 4, 2014 at 9:29 am

    lol *unmoderated



  53.  #53Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Dominique has this link
    about blaming and criticizing our man…

    http://sexandheart.com/blaming-and-criticizing-your-man/



  54.  #54Azure Blu on November 4, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Veronica!!!
    Can’t wait to read it!!
    Thnx Sweet Siren!
    oxoxo



  55.  #55Indigo on November 4, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Azure Blu,

    I love your post #46 about what Rori says…

    Because not only does it remind us that it’s the way we feel about OURSELVES, and not about the MAN that is important; it also reminds us that that looks different to different women. It doesn’t matter who he is or how he is; there is no one size fits all. It is how we feel about ourselves. Do we feel loved, do we feel happy, do we feel calm, do we feel secure… those are the things we should be looking for. And sometimes it comes in an unexpected form, and only we ourselves can know how a man makes us feel…



  56.  #56prplpsn28 on November 4, 2014 at 10:37 am

    Thank you Dominique, Mistea, Azure. Azure…it’s cool that you can notice those things in me. I guess it’s hard for me to see that in myself. I still struggle some days. Thank you. It makes me feel good 🙂

    I’ve already requested info from one college and they’ve already called me back. We shall see where this goes 🙂



  57.  #57Victoria on November 4, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Azure,
    Yes, i have read it and in theory i agree. In practice – i dont know if i can accept him exactly as he is. I am just not sure. Some days i can, some days i cant. Most of the time he makes me feel wonderful and a few times he has made me feel really stupid. I doubt that i can be 100% sure with anyone. I see his grown with me and is getting better but it is happening slower and with a few steps back or sideways once in a while. I need to beat myself to make the effort to cd with others. I so much prefer his company to anyone elses. Sigh.



  58.  #58lovetodance on November 4, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    victoria 53

    wow when i read ‘i so much prefer his company to anyone else’s’…..

    i felt wow! …..thats a big sumthing in my book….

    and believe me i know the little voices that criticize the man, the situation, the whatever….
    i do understand…

    i guess its just if there is a BIG dealbreaker there….
    you will know….

    i feel ya sista….



  59.  #59Victoria on November 4, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Lovetodance,
    Thank you so much for your attention. There is no big deal breaker. There are things that bother me, but i can also overlook them. I am undecided. In between. Shall I be more patient? Shall I be more forgiving? Can i train myself to just lean back all the time? I know i need to cd more.
    But I can tell you that he is the person I would spend ALL my time with, if he wished to. Does it mean anything besides that i am in love and he is slightly out of reach?
    He makes me feel very good about myself. He makes me feel pretty, loved, cared for, yet all we have now seems to be enough for him. I want to be spending more time with him yet i dont want to spend more time with someone who wants to spend less time with me. Like Kim said, dilli dally is a turnoff… Oh well.



  60.  #60Kim on November 4, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Azure, yes that resonates abput spirit getting hurt by you CDing. I believe that is a sign what goes on with them, not us.
    I experienced the same with MoM…je gets angry and passive aggreessive about it. Yet he mqkes no attempt to change things.
    To me it feel weird and also interesting because I really believe that it is something about themselves they are working out…and I say good luck…and I mean it.
    Indo not want to hurt anyone, but I am my own best relationship and best friend…he either comes along or not.
    It has long stopped bothering me one way or the other..



  61.  #61Mandy on November 4, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Hmmmm. Riffing…….

    I feel afraid because lots of pretty women are out today and Jerod will see and look and comment and I will have a little squeezing feeling of my heart.
    I feel happy that Jerod’s libido has come back. I feel aware of the fact that with his libido comes looking and commenting and it’s just him being a guy.
    I feel the need to trust him and breathe.

    I feel the need to feel my own awesomeness. I feel I want to feel my awesomeness by going out and getting the guts to dance again like I used to.
    I feel happy that I found out my Thyroid hormone levels were low and now that I have changed doses I feel lots better, I have more get-up-and-go and I feel more confident, etc.

    I feel happy I got an awesome workout done already today and the day’s not even soon to be over yet.



  62.  #62sophie on November 4, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    I’m jumping in so apologies for not feeding into convo.Purple, I agree with the others so much positive change and growth – thats how it comes across on here anyhow and Azure, I feel so happy you’re still feeling your way through with Spirit CD.

    The change that happens on this blog feels exciting.

    I fly to Thailand tomorrow!!!! And then Malaysia in December and then perhaps Cambodia but who knows one day at a time and ticket for the winter months – wooo hoo I feel very excited. I suspect there will be lots of opportunity for practicing being a siren 🙂

    B (ugh) has super sensitive timing and choose to contact me today demanding he be allowed back into my house where tenants now live to get stuff that he says he’s realised he’s forgotten in the attic – not much but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and he even went there and spoke to the tenants. I Felt RAGING!!! I still haven’t learnt my lesson with him obviously because he can trigger me just like that. I have to try and sort it all out tomorrow now with agents and relatives etc so that everyone goes out of their way to satisfy him – its the only way of stopping anymore trouble. I just can’t get shot!!! Still, hopefully this’ll be the last. Breatthheee – he just has this immaculate timing of stirring everything up just when I’m feeling good.

    Young CD emailed as he knew I was going tomorrow – that felt nice but still, looking to the future!



  63.  #63sophie on November 4, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Dealing with the B come back today made me think of you (((Linda))) – I hope you are okay and Kyla – its been yonks xxx



  64.  #64Andrea on November 4, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Alright so everything is wonderful with the world again. Here’s the interesting point in my feeling world: Nothing with Bob or other CD’s has changed. What has changed? Me.
    My writing project is completed and turned over to the people it’s meant for. My homework is done for my classes.
    I was bopping along on my way home this evening and I realized.. oh man, I’m really happy. Bob still isn’t making moves toward me. Baby Daddy is as annoying as ever. Railroad Guy still lives in another city and I rarely hear from him.

    But I feel glee, giddy, wonderful and back to my old self again.

    I feel almost guilty and I feel what a waste of time it was for me to take all of my angst and fear that I was having over my personal deadlines and projecting them onto the men in my life. Again and again I get the lesson that my fear, my angst, my insecurities, my sadness, my ..what ever… is not about the “hims” that I form bonds with. It’s about my inner world.

    I am at ease, at peace, and joyful. Who knows what energetic doorways this will open.



  65.  #65prplpsn28 on November 4, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Sophie 58…thank you. Makes me feel good to hear this.



  66.  #66Emerson on November 5, 2014 at 12:47 am

    I haven’t heard from CuteCityCD and I know he’s a great guy…and i also know I’m using him as a placeholder/fantasy for the relationship I am craving so much …not to say he couldn’t be that one…jsut that he’s the only one I’ve had intimate moments with recently so he’s in that realm of my mind….
    I really feel bad for doing this to myself, I sent him a smiley when I know to lean back!!! Oops oh well.

    I know my energy is going toward him way too much. I need to get out there and meet some new people ….I always say that…
    well I really need to do it.
    My online dating matches are scarce. Meh.
    I need to create some new interesting things to do!!



  67.  #67Victoria on November 5, 2014 at 1:32 am

    Emerson,
    Thanks for writing what you wrote, that helps me feel like I am human too. I also find it hard not to initiate contact.
    There are two forces inside me: one says lean back, this is effective.
    The other one says, I really like this guy, and what if I send him a smiley, that will probably give him a smile and I like to give smiles to people I like … and what if he is not going to be my boyfriend/husband/forever man, am I so calculating to not send a smiley unless he could be?
    One way or another, I too need to spend more time with other men. My no leaning forward died is going reasonably well except that I have not found found any new CDs, and thus I am denying myself the amazing opportunitis to meet someone new and exciting! So, I need to kiss my pouty little girl who is kind of lonely and kind of bored, and let my inner boy take her by the hand and bring her to the playground where she can meet other kids 🙂



  68.  #68Sapphire on November 5, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Hi
    The thing I struggle with is in learning back I feel closed down. Clearly I am missing something. Also I am a fixer so this is so hard. Not just fixing my man but everyone else
    Xxx
    Sapphire



  69.  #69Victoria on November 5, 2014 at 5:32 am

    Dear Sapphire,
    Before I found this place, I was also a fixer and proud of it. Now I am undergoing certain personality changes, giving up the fixing. I am certainly having growth pains while I do that. Uhhhhhhh.



  70.  #70Kim on November 5, 2014 at 6:16 am

    I feel somehow weird this week…like I have to take stock.
    In a few months’ time, I will be able to rent my Condo again and might not have to sell (there was a cap but I am moving up the list!!)…I am still clinging on here but not making enough money to live a comfortable and secure life by any means. Not even close, no matter how hard I try.
    I am really finally feeling resolved that I deserve better than this constant struggle, no matter how much I like it here. The part time job guy keeps increasing my hours from what he first told me…apparently I am too fast and efficient…lol.
    I am tired of people saying one thing and then it not actually happening, this has been an overwhelming theme here..feeling very blah.
    And I am really starting to feel ok with leaving, kinda.

    Meanwhile, I had a nice date last night with a guy from out of state, whom I had been seeing a while ago, but nothing to come of it as he is returning and I am not interested in a long-distance relationship, period. MoM probably got wind that I was on a date, or at least out – I could not answer one of his texts last night, and when I could I never heard back, so he was sulking and I don’t have time for that. I have much bigger problems than a sulky non-committal man…so I am just going to keep a very low profile this week and concentrate on myself more….



  71.  #71Lilybelly on November 5, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Good Morning, Sirens.

    I’m struggling so…so…bad. I feel stuck between two brick walls with no way to move..up or down..left to right and I feel hopeless and helpless.

    I am grasping at ways to take care of me..to sink back inside of myself and work on improvement..from the outside out and yes, this all has to do with a man..my husband to be exact.

    I feel hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel unloved and all attempts at taking care of me are not helping. I am struggling with which way to go. My boy is desperately trying to fix things for me but my fear is getting in the way.

    Fear of the solution, fear of the answers..fear about the whole thing and I desperately need some peace inside of my own head and heart.



  72.  #72Kim on November 5, 2014 at 6:24 am

    oops, not increasing..he is decreasing my hours. I wish he was increasing them..lol



  73.  #73lovetodance on November 5, 2014 at 11:36 am

    kim…..
    i feel your spunkiness and resilence …..i am impressed how you keep putting up the good ‘fight’ to stay here and with your condo…..and i certainly understand not wanting to keep struggling….

    i love that you said ‘increasing’ instead of ‘decreasing’…i wish he does that instead….seems like thats your intention….

    happy to feel and see you back here on the blog!



  74.  #74Kim on November 5, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Thank you lovetodance….feeling more cheerful now.. 🙂



  75.  #75IamHis on November 5, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    New Guy just asked me out! It feels good when someone “offline” asks me out. He’s offering to come meet me. He lives over 2 hours away! I feel pleasantly surprised. 🙂



  76.  #76Andrea on November 5, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Yay iamHis! A phrase I learned from this site: Let the Universe surprise you. I love it when that happens.

    I just spent the last few hours with my manager here at work and he was just telling me stories about meeting his wife and how he just knew… how she can’t cook, but she can play softball, how he was kind of player and never thought he would be married but when it came down to it, he just did not want to live without her.. different things. It made me feel so warm and hopeful that love does exist and men DO get it and they DO want love and commitment and a partnership in life.. and they DO put in the effort when they feel it’s a good fit. He said it just felt natural, that she made him feel at ease and he said, “Here was this pretty gal and it was just so EASY to be around her.”



  77.  #77Andrea on November 5, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Now here I am on the evening before the Garth Brooks concert. I was wondering… Am I going with Bob? Will we have a hotel room? What is the plan? etc…

    And what do you suppose happened???? I get a text a TEXT!!! from Bob telling me that one of his good friend’s dad has just passed away and he might be able to make the concert but he has to get right back up here to our city and figure out the funeral. Can you believe that??

    What I did was just free myself of the whole situation. I called my mom and asked her if my daughters and I come down to the cities, could we just stay with my parents, and of course she said yes.

    So I told Bob… simply… enough. I will drive myself. I have the tickets so if he wants to meet at the venue he can get his, otherwise my sister will go with me. Goodbye. Jeesh!

    He texted back that he already had the hotel room and he put my name on the reservation so I could go and check in with out him. And he would meet me at the hotel.

    So… after a week of no shows, no communication, let downs and run arounds… I am going to take my daughters and myself for a weekend get away to be with my parents…. I am going to a concert with or without a date…. but that is it.

    I can only be really thankful that I got to see this passive aggressive stuff long before I got too involved. We did have some really nice dates together and I was starting to get those stars in my eyes, but I am so turned off now I wouldn’t care if I never saw this man again. (I’m pretty glad that he purchased those tickets for me though… i mean… how awesome is that???)

    And I am feeling the freedom and excitement of being away with my daughters and no awkwardness from a new guy in my life to have to deal with. I may even have a cd in that city that wants to take me out on Friday night. So… another adventure and amazingly I feel like a weight has been lifted. So, I’m feeling that Bob and I were not a good fit.

    I also ended up having to block and be done with baby daddy. His drama is just way out of my league. I just can’t even relate to his stuff anymore. So I have asked him simply to not contact me anymore. The end.

    Unbelievably… I am down to one CD… hahah.. and he doesn’t live in my town. Everyone else has gone by the way side. I feel free. Whee… to start afresh!



  78.  #78IamHis on November 5, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Andrea – Thanks for your feedback/excitement! It feels good.

    I feel kinda shy, but about Bob…this is coming from someone where texting is completely acceptable. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or what, but I read somewhere that it is an easier mode of communication for men, especially when it comes to conveying vulnerable information long distance.

    I’m that way myself. I feel shy saying that, but something about the written word feels easier to me, and I don’t know, maybe it’s less vulnerable, which yes, could be a bad thing, because ideally you want a very vulnerable man who feels comfortable sharing details about funerals and things like that.

    I can tell you feel very angry though.

    I guess I just feel curious as to why you are so angry about the particular medium of communication. Does it feel less personal to you? Do you feel disregarded or something?

    I hope I’m not going into advice giving mode, I just feel curious about it because I prefer texting over phone convos. Phone convos feel terrifying and unnatural and awkward to me.

    Texting feels natural and easy and concise. Sometimes I feel like it’s easier to not miscommunicate when you have the words there in front of you. You almost have time to think about them more?

    What do you think?



  79.  #79IamHis on November 5, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Don’t know if this helps, but my Dad prefers texting, and he is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known!



  80.  #80IamHis on November 5, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    one last thing…I guess I feel triggered by the topic of texting!

    My mom is one of those people who remembers every single word-for-word thing that a person says.

    I am NOT one of those people. I cannot remember specific words, I remember impressions, emotions, and facial expressions that go along with those words.

    So, when she and I are re-hashing a conversation we’ve had, she’ll tell me word-for-word what I said, and I won’t remember saying it all!

    It’s not that I doubt that I’ve said it, it’s just…I meant it in a different way than the way she communicates it back to me.

    Does that make sense?

    I feel icky thinking about my Mom telling me word-for-word things I’ve said.

    I feel suspicious that she uses things I’ve said to manipulate me, and that feels so icky! 🙁



  81.  #81IamHis on November 5, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    I don’t know why I can’t “shut up,” but I just feel curious. Did you use feeling messages with Bob?

    I forget to so often with guys…

    *sigh*

    so easy to use them on the blog, so tricky to remember to use them in real life!



  82.  #82Andrea on November 5, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    hahah… IamHis… hahah…
    Well, I’ve been having a strange week and a half with Bob. Leading up to this event… he asked me out on a date sometime last week, then didn’t show up and texted that the reason was one of his vehicles was stolen.
    Me: Okay. I understand.
    He: What about tomorrow.
    Me: yes.

    The next day nothing from Bob until night time. I call him and have to leave a message… “I feel strange. Do we have plans or should I go ahead and accept these other plans?”

    He texts me: we definitely have plans.
    He no shows..
    A text late that night: My son is in ICU, what about tomorrow.
    Me: Please call me.

    No call from Bob. No word from him for days.
    Then a text: My boiler burst in my house.

    The next day.. Bob’s Text: I have an abscess tooth. I’ll have to have a root canal.
    Me texting all along.. “Oh I feel bad you’re going through this stuff… I understand.”

    Finally two days ago he texted me: Do you wanna get together tonight?
    Me: Please call me.

    He calls. We set up a time for him to come over and have dinner with me.

    I get a text hours after he was going to show up: My friend’s father just passed away.
    Me: I’m so sorry to hear that. I understand.

    Yesterday morning I texted him: Bob, I feel so strange and vulnerable not knowing if we are still going to go to the concert together and if we are staying in (that city) for the weekend.
    He: Come hell or high water, I have those days off and our plan is still on.
    Me: Oh Bob, I feel so giddy now and excited. I feel kind of nervous not knowing all of the plans but I feel okay to trust that you’ve taken care of it. I feel so taken care of and excited.
    He: Good. I want you to feel excited and happy.

    This afternoon at two pm… a text from Bob: Hey, we can still go to the concert but I need to be back here early the next morning for funeral planning.
    Me: Please call me.

    He calls and tells me that he still wants to go to the concert but he can’t stay in that city as long as we had hoped.
    I told him I feel dissapointed and need some time to adjust my feelings so that I can respond appropriately.

    Then I texted him later saying: I’ll just drive myself and make plans for myself.

    So… IamHis… it’s not really about the texting so much as it is that I feel I’ve been jerked around so much with him this past week or so. And any number of those incidents would have felt better for me if we would have had clear communication. And I can see texting when the topic is fun and light or a person is just gauging the other’s time or availability. But to text someone when there’s been an emergency, or when you know they have been waiting for you, or when you know they are needing communication for plans… I just feel too up in the air about that. I don’t feel solid, grounded, trusting.

    It’s not that anything Bob did was wrong. It’s just that I don’t feel turned on or impressed by him in the slightest anymore. He was winning with me for a while. I was feeling that giddy attraction that is so rare … feeling sexual chemistry, understood, taken care of, like my feelings were being considered.. etc..

    Now I just feel… Ick, what a downer, what a hassle, too much drama, too much trouble. So I’m just not feeling turned on anymore.

    It’s not his fault that he is who he is. But it is my fault if I try and stick around and try to manipulate him into changing. He can be any way he wants to be, but I don’t have to stay in his presence. He can view the world anyway he wants to view it, but I don’t have to be a part of it. He can be okay with texting and I don’t feel the need to try and make him change, but he doesn’t get to be with me. That’s all.



  83.  #83Liquid Light on November 5, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Andrea, those weird texts make me wonder if that guy is pulling your leg? I mean that’s so strange to have all those emergencies happen like that one after the other. It almost seems like a joke or something??? Bizarro!

    The next time you hear from him, he’ll probably say that his house caught on fire…I mean he’s going to be running out of emergencies soon! LOL!



  84.  #84Andrea on November 5, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    I know LL. And I kept just saying… “I understand. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

    It seems so strange and I feel like I was never given a chance to question it cause it was all texting. But, it’s not for me. You know? It all makes me very unattracted to him.

    Well, I feel so free and happy and excited just to be taking this trip. The more I think about it, the happier I am to be spending this time with my daughter. What a gift. And a concert to boot!!



  85.  #85Indigo on November 5, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    Andrea,

    The “vibe” I get from Bob from reading your posts is so similar to this guy I was dating at the end of last year, the one who texted me out of the blue recently asking me to be friends with benefits.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel about not being able to get a read on someone when they tell you these things via text, and it has you feeling even more weird than before. For what it’s worth, I think this guy jerked you around a whole lot and your patience stretched way beyond what he deserved. For me, one dramatic “disaster” in a guy’s life early on in the dating stage already has my alarm bells ringing softly. It’s almost as if they make it sound so bad that you can’t question it, and if it continues they get to use this as a way to flake out of being reliable with you whilst still having the appearance of being a good guy. For me, I think that one person having this many disasters happening in their life in the space of 2 weeks is extremely unlikely.

    Back to this guy I used to date whom your Bob reminds me of, what bothered me most is that I felt this “pull back” vibe whenever he’d make this excuse for why he couldn’t make a date or why he didn’t contact me, almost as if he felt too sheepish to face me and be honest and clean about what was going on with him. For me, that is what made the decision for me to end it, the fact that I got this sense of “double dealing”. Sorry, it’s just not good enough for me, and it’s not good enough for you either, Andrea.

    Have fun at the concert!



  86.  #86Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 12:33 am

    Andrea and Indigo,
    From my own experience, I have noticed that if a man does something twice, he will do it again. And, I too (and I believe practically all women) have tolerated disappointing behavior only to end more disappointed.
    I felt very triggered by the Bob story, because it reminded me of my own disappointments… Luckily, thanks to this wonderful blog, I am learning not to beat myself for being too trusting. I am learning to really love myselfs in at times when something I did seems like it has been a not the best thing for me.
    Andrea, you did so well with him!
    You have really acted like a siren, you have been kind, non-judgemental, and have made lemonade out of lemon, you are truly amazing! He has probably never come across such a wonderful woman as you in his life. Sometimes it takes them a little bit of time to appreciate something so unusual. And, irrespective of whether he appreciates it or not, you really are great!



  87.  #87Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 12:52 am

    Andrea,
    One more thing. About this thing that he still wants to go with you to the concert, but can’t stay the night… I would think he has changed his mind about wanting the possibility of sleeping with you. It might be too early for him, or wrong for one reason or another (the reasons ranging from him worring about his performance to beeing in an ill-defined relationship (FWB?) with another woman and being unsure of whether being with you would constitute cheating or not).
    The reason I am saying this is because I want to share with you my impression that men are as insecure about s*x as women and that it is a myth that men are so s*x driven, that they would jump at any opportunity to have it. Looking from this perspective, he seems to be experiencing a very difficult time trying to find a way out of situation that he created for himself. Poor guy.



  88.  #88Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 5:31 am

    13 Azure — oh, how cool to see those words again. Things were definitely rough-going for a few weeks with TenderCD after that conversation, but I feel so wonderful these days. He seems to have gotten the message and more importantly he wants me! There were a few weeks where I had to turn down dates with him because he asked me just a day or so in advance or because I’d already scheduled another CD or was legit busy doing something else.

    He was angry and let me know it. I just kept repeating my truth over and over…I wanted to see him, it would feel good to see him and I already had plans. There was one weekend where another CD, KeyCD, had booked me up entirely, and that’s when I think things clicked for TenderCD. I pretty much ignored TenderCD’s texts and calls that entire weekend since I was with KeyCD. It wasn’t malicious, I was just busy and wanted to enjoy my time with KeyCD. Three days later on Monday TenderCD booked me up for the next weekend and since then he’s been forward and a leader about booking me up way ahead of time for most of my time. 🙂 And I don’t know how to express this exactly, but our dates are so much better. I always felt taken care of and now there is a more chivalrous quality to it…where he seems intent on proving himself and is thinking about my happiness maybe even before his own. I feel bursts of joy!!

    There are moments where I feel a little bad, like I’m making TenderCD jump through hoops. But I was talking to my Dad the other day about it and my Dad told me about his courtship of Mom (they’ve been married 50 years!) and how she would schedule dates out two weeks in advance because she had so many gentleman callers. LOL! I know society has changed a lot in 50 years but I don’t think nature ever does. Dad reminded me that men love the chase, and that while no one likes to be teased men respect a woman who makes them prove themselves.



  89.  #89Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 5:31 am

    Still on the above topic, I had very strange discussions with two of my CDs lately.
    In both cases I told them that I intend to say to another man that I am not happy with one aspect of his work and I intend to not work with him on a particular assignment, but I am still fine with working on something else together. Both men told me not to tell him the truth! One told me that this guy would be very hurt and his ego will suffer for days. The other told me that my other project will suffer because this guy will be no longer expecting the larger order from me. I talked some more to get their views, turns up, at least one of them consistently makes up false/dramatic excuses in situations where the basic truth would be quite fine, just because he does not want to hurt the other person and still wants to preserve the relationship. This is all about work relations, not romantic. But if I project this into their relations with me, I get the gut feeling that they are constantly editing/decorating the information they share with me… how annoying.



  90.  #90Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 5:33 am

    39 prplpsn28No — yay you!! This feels so amazing to me…I am glad that you’re taking such good care of yourself right now. 🙂



  91.  #91Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 5:37 am

    58 sophie — Have fun on your trips! I’ve always wanted to visit Thailand. I went to Malaysia a couple of years ago and it’s so beautiful. I felt intrigued by the culture and nature…the cities are concentrated and then it quickly turns rural. I’m sure you’ll have many wonderful experiences on your trips.



  92.  #92Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 5:41 am

    72 Andrea — oh my good lord, this man is full of so many excuses! I feel cold reading all the stories he’s sent you. Seems like you’ve handled it perfectly. I’m sure it can’t feel great to be dealing with this, but he’s just training wheels. Holding your head high and treating yourself with respect helps bring your forever man closer. I hope you have an incredible time at the Garth Brooks concert!! And seeing your family.



  93.  #93Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Victoria 84 — Hmm, I feel unsure about your conclusions. Unless someone is their own boss they don’t really have a choice about who they work with, so I can see situations where being boldly honest wouldn’t be the best path. I might bite my tongue or sugar-coat a tough message to preserve a good working relationship. In a personal relationship though you always have a choice — if someone isn’t treating you well you can leave. You can say no this doesn’t feel good. You can say I don’t want to be treated like this. At work you may not have the option to say these things immediately…you may have to wait until you can leave or change jobs or whatever without impacting your financial well-being. I’ve always been taught at work that if I raise a problem, I also have to have the solution. Using my boy energy there. In relationship, I don’t want to be in charge of the solution. I want to share how I feel and then it’s up to him to decide what to do, and then I get to choose whether his decision feels good or not.

    On a deeper level I feel agreeable that things like integrity, trustworthiness and general disposition do align between relationships and work.



  94.  #94IamHis on November 6, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Oo…Andrea! I felt icky reading those texts from Bob. Feels wishy washy, flakey, & inconsiderate. You are handling it with class!



  95.  #95Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Labbit,
    I apologize, I mean something else and I see where I have confused you.
    The guy to whom I need to break up the bad news about my dissatisfaction is not a colleague but a service provider. I am a paying client for him. Nevertheless, I am considering sugarcoating him to him. And, your opinion is very welcome!



  96.  #96Starla on November 6, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Some of your guys sound really lame.

    Some of you sound like you don’t even LIKE your men, but you torture yourself over them anyway. You waste energy on feeling bad, on analyzing, on being angry with them…

    I know it’s all practice, but I hope you don’t let it go on too long.

    Life is short <3



  97.  #97Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Starla,
    I am all ears for a positive story, please share yours 🙂



  98.  #98Femininewoman on November 6, 2014 at 7:45 am

    Starla I just love that spunky feisty attitude of yours.



  99.  #99Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 7:49 am

    ((((Starla)))
    Great reminder!!!
    oxoxo



  100.  #100Starla on November 6, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Hi Victoria! I am focusing my energy on myself, my professional career, my dancer career, my financial goals, etc. For the first time in my life, all this energy of mine is going towards me and my own betterment and care. I have spent so much time in my life putting that same energy towards men for better or worse, much of the time worse…

    It was like I was trapped in a paradigm where that was somehow reasonable.

    Now that I am through that dark period (lasted for 8-10 years), I understand that I was focusing my energy on all things “men,” even when they weren’t all that great, to divert energy from myself. Or using men as a drug of sorts to anesthetize myself from life’s anxieties. I was a coward.

    I feel so grateful this lifted. It has only been 5-6 months since I left giving energy to worrying about men in the dust, and in that time, I instead acquired the energy to find a new job with a 50% pay bump and a much better title, be invited to a professional dance company, and take over a local orchestra.

    All that energy. So much of it… All for ME now. And once you get the momentum of energy for yourself going, you become completely uninterested in giving it away to anyone who is less than stellar. Your life and your commitment to yourself becomes so interesting and successful that the only men who will end up getting your energy are those that are equally wonderful as your own personal fulfillment.

    I’m no longer worried about keeping men around for entertainment or companionship. I can say with confidence that I have high standards now, and I strongly believe that even if you refuse exclusivity with a sub-standard man, if he is getting a lot of your mental energy, or you’re constantly feeling conflicted or let down or bored or dissatisfied in any way, then you pretty much undermine the whole purpose of not being their girlfriend.

    Every notice how it’s impossible to pine and fuss and worry about more than one man at the same time to equal degrees?

    Something we never talk about is energetic exclusivity.

    It’s a trap! Take the energy back!

    Haha. I’m rambling and I do realize I’m in preachy mode. Ehhhhhh… *stops typing*

    Ok but I AM very excited about the leaps and bounds my life has made through this shift. It feels exciting to know that my life is so fulfilling I don’t have to waste time and energy with men that leave me confused or annoyed.



  101.  #101Starla on November 6, 2014 at 7:56 am

    FW I understand it comes off spunky and feisty, but I feel shocked when I read that, because my statement really shouldn’t be so radical to any of us that it comes off as contrarian or in-your-face, you know?



  102.  #102Femininewoman on November 6, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Andrea I have to admit those texts suggest to me that you have allowed yourself to be strung alone. Those “Please call me” just felt icky after the second one.

    We train people how to treat us. I am thinking of the Pavlov dog experiments. Were you never angry in all of that “dropping the ball” to even feel like ignoring his texts? Seems he realizes that trip is like a carrot so he keeps it dangling in front of you. He disappears then come back, makes one little promise and you are “so giddy now and excited”? Seems you are hanging on his words rather than paying attention to his actions.

    Sorry but my critical voice is saying “he is playing her like a fiddle”. Like he is taking you on a game of emotional roller coaster ride. I am having a hard time believing his stories. I don’t know how you do it. It doesn’t seem like drama to me. It seems like fabricated stories because I have read over and over again that men lie daily to women that they love.

    Disappointment seems like a understatement to me. I hope you are prepared to pay for that hotel. If I were wearing your shoes and he showed up he would have to stay somewhere else.



  103.  #103Femininewoman on November 6, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Starla maybe bad choice of words.

    It just struck me that you must be spunky in your own life to take the bull by the horns if things aren’t going your way. In other words you are the kind who acts sooner than later.



  104.  #104Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Kim #56
    Thank you darling Siren…
    I did do a spurr of the moment meet with Spirit last night…
    right away He brought up the reason he had not invited me over to his apt yet… (his daughter still being quite vulnerable… he shared in more detail her year long journey to recovery)
    This was one of the topics I had mentioned on our last date…
    I shared with him how good it felt to be listened to and that he brought up the issue and was sharing his reasons!!
    I mentioned there were times his daughter wasn’t there…
    and I let the topic drop…
    YaY me!!! I didn’t go on and on… I just let it be…
    I’m soooo proud of me…
    for me this is a big step in me letting go of control and letting emotional intimacy grow

    I met him last night (only for 1 hour) because I needed his hugs and good nature and warm words and masculine presence.
    We both felt cared for and cherished…

    What great practice for me…. accepting, receiving and feeling happy with ALLL that was offered!!!



  105.  #105Femininewoman on November 6, 2014 at 8:08 am

    RE 95 Yayy Starla 🙂

    That feels so inspiring to read.



  106.  #106Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 8:17 am

    Starla#95… shining BRIGHTLY!!!
    Wow!!!
    I feel inspired!!! I feel giddy with excitement for YOU and Alll us Sirens!!!
    For, as you say… isn’t this why we are here!!!
    To elevate our souls, our hearts, throw away our anxieties… Blossom, BLOOOM… Sizzle and SPARKLE!!!
    I love what you have shared here…
    I am working towards allllll of this!!!



  107.  #107Femininewoman on November 6, 2014 at 8:23 am

    “It’s not that anything Bob did was wrong”

    Not showing up for a date – Every man knows that is bad behavior

    I get a text hours after he was going to show up – To me this is bad behavior that a man into his woman would not do.

    Several no shows or follow up in a row……bad bad bad behavior. Bad boys know that bad behavior comes up consequences. As long as there are no consequences bad boys keep acting up.



  108.  #108Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Starla,
    I am very happy for you! And I know what you mean by focusing your energy and not on men.
    I do not perceive men as lame though, even the ones who do not want me as their girlfriend :-). There might be numerous other reasons why we are not a good fit. And I am watchful for a better fit. But at the same time, i still prefer to look at men as human and i enjoy spending time even with men who are less than stellar. And it is joy for me to listen to other women’s stories, whichever way they are told:-)



  109.  #109Veronica on November 6, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Purple – I felt good reading how you’re taking care of you : )



  110.  #110Indigo on November 6, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Feminine Woman 97 & 102,

    I agree with you 100%.

    I don’t want to come across as judging the way Andrea handled it because I think she is fabulous, but for me this behavior is so below par that after the first no show he would never have got the chance to repeat that.

    As I have said previously, the continuous excuses in someone’s life as a reason to keep distance is a huge red flag to me, and I give such a person a very wide berth.

    Thank you Andrea, for sharing your story.



  111.  #111Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 10:30 am

    91 Starla – LOL! At first I felt triggered by your comment…that nasty voice inside me started up immediately…but then I felt secure in where I am and it became funny. It’s funny how I immediately felt your comment was directed towards me! I know I sometimes come here to share what’s been going on and hash out my insecurities…so there may not be as much praise for my CDs in my comments because there’s not where my head’s at. If that makes sense.

    90 Victoria — Oh yes, then I misunderstood. I’m sorry!

    FW & Indigo — Agree with both of your takes. I have found the power in silence, in actions, in moving towards a man or away from him recently. I’ve learned the power of saying NOTHING instead of trying to explain myself, defend myself (or him) or even responding to something I don’t like. I’ve learned that sometimes waiting a day or two to respond not only helps me find how I really feel but also takes the drama out of a situation because I see things for what they really are. I am still dealing with occasional bouts of panic but way fewer than even a month ago. The more men I CD the more I recognize their behavior and I realize it’s mostly not about me at all.



  112.  #112Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Labbitt #83
    I can feel your Siren energy in your posts!!!
    You loving YOU!!
    Staying clear with YOUR boundaries…
    softly and warmly

    I love this:
    “but I feel so wonderful these days. He seems to have gotten the message and more importantly he wants ME!”
    How wonderful that must feel…
    for me, many times my men have seen the light, and want me… but by that time… I have grown more, I have a better idea of WHO i want to be with… and it has become clear it isn’t them…
    Thank you for sharing how you are using the RR tools and staying with YOUR boundaries…
    It is very helpful to read!!



  113.  #113Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Labbitt #83
    I also LOVE the conversation you and your Dad had.
    :->



  114.  #114Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    ((((Andrea))) #77

    this is MY trigger… I would be giving this incredibly disrespectful man
    alllll these many excuses and chances… (I have done this Many times)
    Giving away my precious, time, peace of mind and loveliness
    Because I Don’t Feel Worthy of simply taking the tickets he gave me… and NEVER texting or talking to or seeing this childish boy again…



  115.  #115Millie on November 6, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Andrea 77–

    What patience you have!! But to be honest with you, I don’t think you were being honest with Bob. Continuing to say you felt sorry and understood his situation over and over, begs me to question…Did you really understand?? Because I don’t. I understand your point that there wasn’t much of a chance to really get the whole story from him, but geez….those excuses were getting pretty ridiculous and his casual handling of texting the news and standing you up, tells me his attitude towards communicating anything to you was casual. I know that replying with understanding creates a safe place for a man to share his feelings and concerns, but I think there is a line to that understanding, it isn’t bottomless. “This behavior is unacceptable.”

    Anyway, I’m glad you are going by yourself with your daughter and I hope you have a blast!!!



  116.  #116Labbit on November 6, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Azure Blu 107 – It’s so thrilling uncovering what kind of man we want, isn’t it? And as men that fit the bill start to show up…it’s like Christmas morning. Each present you unwrap in a new man is better than the last.

    I am interested to see how things continue to develop for you, and in your relationship with SpiritCD.



  117.  #117Mistea1 on November 6, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Starla—– I loved your feisty comments. It’s good for those of us who need to get over some of this little boy behavior the men have.

    Andrea72—–thank you for your replay of the Bob behavior. Very instructive for me. I have one instance of no follow through from music Td. I was thinking of giving in but after your comments I intend to stick to my decision. No contact for a month until a recital on Nov. 16. Then I think I will change services so he doesn’t know which service to emphasize for me. I have compassion for his relationship difficulties but I don’t have to buy into them. However, in my age group it is harder to find men who are in as good physical shape as this one. (sigh).



  118.  #118Azure Blu on November 6, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    Labbitt.
    Yes… it IS thrilling discovering what kind of man I feel calm, loved, cared for around…
    THIS is the best kind of exciting…



  119.  #119Starla on November 6, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    You ladies are so sweet and supportive thank you 🙂



  120.  #120Indigo on November 6, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    Labbit 106,

    “I’ve learned the power of saying NOTHING instead of trying to explain myself, defend myself (or him) or even responding to something I don’t like. I’ve learned that sometimes waiting a day or two to respond not only helps me find how I really feel but also takes the drama out of a situation because I see things for what they really are.”

    You are SO right. And this is something that proves a bit difficult for me. For example, D has had painters in his house all week so I hadn’t seen him since the weekend, and yesterday he took me out to lunch, and then afterwards he bought me chocolates. When I got home I saw that he had Skyped me as well. I responded and then a few minutes later I sent him a message telling him that I missed him. Later that night I wanted to send him a message making a plan for the weekend, but I could *feel* within myself that it was not the best thing to do. I could feel the needy, slightly panicky energy rising in me. I knew I just needed to switch off my computer and go to bed, because I’ve actually had a long, tiring week. It was difficult though, the voice which says to lean back and rather wait things out is still rather small. At least I can feel in myself, sort of, which is the right voice to listen to.



  121.  #121Victoria on November 6, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    Labbit,
    I just wanted to say that I like the way you write very much, and your thoughts/feelings make 100% sense to me.
    I relate to everything you say… And I send you my best wishes for having the relationship you want!



  122.  #122Victoria on November 7, 2014 at 12:11 am

    Indigo 115
    I know exactly what you mean… I also often feel the urge to do something for the man I love, write to him, tell him I miss him, bring him food… Before I started reading about relationships, I did not think this was needy or panicky. I have noticed for example, that when I am in a new relationship/early phases of dating and I am travelling abroad (I travel a lot for work) I alsways think that I want to buy a small souvenir for the man I am seeing. It is just a very strong urge. Sometimes I have done it, and it actually is not taken so well… So I stopped, and now when I fee this urge I force myself to buy something for a female friend. So I kept asking myself, why, why do I get this urge.
    I read a book lately by the author of Men are from Mars etc. who claims that women’s brains get happyness from oxytocin, and oxytocin in women is produced by (among other things) taking care for others. I have no way of knowing whether this is true, but it kind of makes sense. Also, I kind of like the explanation that I am chemically predisposed to be overgiving instead of thinking about myself as a needy person. And I hate that I need to crush down these urges…



  123.  #123Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 1:06 am

    Victoria,

    I know what you are talking about. And I don’t ever crush down those urges, or any of my feelings. I let myself feel them, I look at them a bit, think about whether they are actually coming from something else. Another thing I like to do is play out the scenario in my head if I did follow through on whatever it is I’m feeling the urge to do. What is likely to happen? How would it feel?

    Often I just let the feeling pass, or sit with it for some time and see if it passes, and often it does. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly sireny, I redirect that energy to doing something caring for myself.

    If it’s an urge to connect, I find it a good idea to talk to someone else, a friend or someone. That said, if all of these things still do not satisfy, sometimes I find reaching out to be perfectly fine.



  124.  #124Victoria on November 7, 2014 at 2:34 am

    Indigo,
    Lets dream a little bit :-).
    In my ideal world, I would be doing loving things for my man all the time and he will be doing loving things for me all the time, and I would not need to think/feel/redirect, I will be feeing secure that when I express love, it will be gladly accepted and reciprocated. It will not be needy in my mind or in his mind… I read somewhere that women express love by cleaning and cooking, wheas men express love by s*x and working to pay for you… I dream of someone doing romantic things for me. Not that I will turn down S*x and providing 🙂 , but some romance will really do the trick :-).



  125.  #125Labbit on November 7, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Victoria 116 — Thank you! 🙂 I feel honored. I wish the same for you and all the Sirens here.

    Indigo 115 — Oh yes, I struggle with this almost daily as well. Wanting more contact, wanting to reach out, wanting to be with a CD even if our date just finished a few hours ago. I’m so glad in a way to hear that others feel this way too…I know Dominique’s articles have been immensely helpful on this topic as well. On some days my mind will be screaming at me at points — why haven’t I heard from him? Or why haven’t I reached out to him? Everything will be OK if I just reach out. Slowly learning to turn this inwards, feel it and feed myself love. It is a learning period right now.

    A friend sent me a passage she’d found online, I’m not sure where it comes from unfortunately but it touched a nerve with me:
    **Remember, it’s a dance. If you step too far forward, a person’s natural tendency is to step back. Men experience “feelings” during periods of absence, unlike women who experience them during togetherness. If you want him to “feel” for you – you have to allow periods of absence from him. You have to give him something to think about, like where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing, etc. If you’re rushing towards him and up in his face all the time and communicating heavily constantly. . .he has no space to feel anything and he has absolutely nothing to think about – because you’re presenting him with your entire world, daily.**

    This is the opposite of what my brain tells me to do…yet I know in my heart it’s right when I read it. And I know that’s where my peace is if I can find it. So I look for it when I feel anxious. I look for that feminine mystique inside of me that gives him the space to feel me, without me having to do anything at all.



  126.  #126Mistea1 on November 7, 2014 at 8:22 am

    ((( Victoria, Indigo and Labbit )))) Thank you all so much for having this conversation. It is very strengthening to hear you talk like this. I wish I could plaster your comments inside my eyes to read before I think of reaching out. So far I’m good. No contact. The ball is definitly in his court so I’ll see if it happens. If not so be it.
    Love, to all of you and your graceful efforts.



  127.  #127Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 8:39 am

    Labbit, thanks for that xx



  128.  #128Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 8:47 am

    So this conversation was actually very timely for me as D has discussed with me that he needs the weekend to be alone and to ponder. To ponder what, I wonder?

    So this is a weekend of loving on me, focusing on me, planning nice activities for me… as I think of it, nothing happens by chance. And the fact that he needs this alone time is actually quite fortuitous as I need it too. It is exactly what Labbit was talking about, the panic because I miss him, the fear of silence and of being apart… but I realize this is actually a very good thing for where I am in my life right now. Being self-contained, not chasing after people, not applying any pressure to D.

    I NEED this weekend. And I must say my mind is very curious as to what he needs to ponder…

    I don’t think it’s anything he’ll tell me about. I think he just needs to process in his own way and it will all unfold in a way I’ll never truly know or understand, but I’ll see the fruits of it down the line.



  129.  #129Azure Blu on November 7, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Indigo…
    Yay for your leaning back… realizing YOU too needed to take some space… time for YOU…
    How loving of him to let you know he needed to take this weekend instead of just disappearing…



  130.  #130Femininewoman on November 7, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Indigo re 123, maybe strangely enough, I read through this comment while noticing my mind feverishly searching for a statement of gratitude.



  131.  #131Azure Blu on November 7, 2014 at 9:35 am

    ((( Mistea, Victoria, Indigo and Labbit ))))
    Huggggs darling Sirens

    Seems we are alll experiencing and practicing the lovingly, leaning back…

    I have been Cding others, letting him (spirit) contact me first,
    BUT I have been way too available…
    I imagine he will want to see me tonight – with last min. plans… again….
    I am setting up plans with others and so won’t be available…

    I LOVE what you shared Labbitt-
    “Men experience “feelings” during periods of absence”
    and also someone said
    It is NOT my Siren best interest to fill My mind and heart with a man who I’m not sure about…

    Ahhhh… thank you Gentle Sirens for sharing your authentic selves here on Siren Island…
    Just what I sooo needed to hear…
    To take gentle, loving care of ME…
    The right man will come and walk along beside me!!!

    Kisses, kisses, and warm loving hugs!!!



  132.  #132lovetodance on November 7, 2014 at 9:41 am

    thank you andrea for so openly sharing your process and interaction with one of your cd’s….
    helping us all grow as you navigate this particular path…

    i so appreciate your open-ness and vunerability in sharing and wonder how you are now….?



  133.  #133Azure Blu on November 7, 2014 at 9:41 am

    FW – 125
    Yes… statement of gratitude…

    Last month when Spirit asked for time to sort things out… (he took 2 weeks)
    I realized I too needed time and space to calm my anxiety and feel my feelings…
    When we next met… I thanked him for his insight of asking for this space because I needed this time also…
    He immediately felt the pressure lift… It WASNT ONLY him who needed this…
    He felt safe with me…
    Nice!!!



  134.  #134Azure Blu on November 7, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Lovingtodance # 127
    I agree…
    Andrea i hope you don’t feel pounced on…
    You have decided to step away from Bob…
    You were sooo sweet to share your vulnerable self…
    It helped me so much…
    I feel inspired by your journey!!!
    Hugggsss!!!
    Have MUCH fun this weekend with Garth (I’m sure you’re on a first name basis) ;->



  135.  #135lovetodance on November 7, 2014 at 9:46 am

    andrea 77
    this is in reference particularly to this post and all the preceding ones….you shared…..

    have a wonderful wonderful wonderful time at the concert….

    it has been a joy to read your journey and feel your courage to experiment….to explore new ways of relating….to see what works for you and what doesn’t…….

    that is what i am doing …..some shamelessly un-effective, some shamelessly victorious, some neither here are there…



  136.  #136lovetodance on November 7, 2014 at 9:54 am

    azure blu!

    good morning beautiful siren!

    so glad to read of your unfolding journey with spirit…with yourself…

    i feel you are loving yourself so brillantly even if there are dips and pot holes along the way…

    i find this to be such delicate work…..opening my heart…..i do feel my heart is open….its just i have learned to be so so so cautious with men….

    one feeling step at a time….a giant step for siren-ness!



  137.  #137Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Feminine Woman 125,

    I am very curious to know what you mean?



  138.  #138Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Azure Blu 124,

    Thank you 🙂 it was done gently and lovingly



  139.  #139Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Aaah, reading Azure Blu’s comment 128, I think I understand now.

    Maybe I will express gratitude to him next time I see him, because as I was driving home today, I couldn’t help thinking how wise it was that he had requested the weekend to himself. I have had one of the most overstimulating weeks in a long time, and I literally had a headache, I so needed downtime.

    Maybe next time I see him I will say, “I just want to say thank you. When you requested time alone I really needed it too, and it made me feel so rested.”



  140.  #140Femininewoman on November 7, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Indigo it is my belief that gratitude changes our vibration and our life. Ponder what I wonder??? feels like a detective with a flashlight probing into his mind

    When I read “but I realize this is actually a very good thing for where I am in my life right now” – I felt like an “aaaah this space feels like an airy massage over sore muscles so I can just lean back, melt into myself and decompress and release the stress of the week. Thank you Universe for the opportunity to relax and enjoy my company”.



  141.  #141Indigo on November 7, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Feminine Woman,

    That is a great description of exactly how it felt for me 🙂



  142.  #142April Rose on November 7, 2014 at 11:21 am

    new thread ladies 🙂



  143.  #143Rori Raye on November 7, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    Lilybelly – Sending love to you, you can DO this…Please start by literally “Falling in love” with everything you hate about this situation. Throw love at it. Let’s see what happens next. We’ll all help! Love, Rori



  144.  #144Veronica on November 8, 2014 at 2:48 am

    Azure and Indigo – my messages to you are up at 49 -woohoo : )



  145.  #145Veronica on November 8, 2014 at 2:59 am

    While I was spending time with Funny I was trying to tune into how I was feeling about myself. Part of me felt concerned that it wouldn’t be good feelings about myself, that the enjoyment was maybe a way of me distracting myself from going there. I don’t want to be feeling and acting scared when we are moving closer. It took a while to get past the fun and awe and the wowness of having a good time. I felt a little fear and insecurity – wondering what I was in all this, worried that the answer will be ‘not much’. And then spending too much time in my head trying to understand. New kinds of feelings are happening or they’re happening in a new way. I’m heading into leaning forward territory because it’s difficult for me to recognise this ‘newness’. For example, I thought it was just a blank of awe at how much fun I was having and then realising after sitting with it a while that I actually feel inspired to expand and explore myself. Or when I kept asking him the same question when I was actually so full in desire, so wanting to drench myself in the moment.

    Just thinking out loud trying to tune into what’s happening.



  146.  #146Dominique on November 8, 2014 at 7:46 am

    sweet goddess – What you said to your husband was beautifully voiced and worded. Yet he has to do as he feels best. If his openness bites him in the butt, he may learn, or he may not. And maybe a seed was planted by you. 🙂

    xxoo



  147.  #147Formula on November 8, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Dear Rori

    I went through your blog very thoroughly and didnt find anything related to my situation where I stuck and absolutely unaware what to do about. I am divorced officially but we still live together he still supports and is taking care of me and our son, no other woman , loves me and making it so that we are like a family but I’m not attractive to him physically. So we stay in brother sister mode I depend on him financially, don’t have own income and ok with it.
    I want a new husband.
    Then I met a man online from different country, we clicked and he invited me to visit him right away after chatting for one hour. I refused he was still in the divorce process and anyway it felt very wrong to me to so it that fast. He said ok and kept on texting me every day with details of his life. Then he divorced. We are still in touch every day and getting more and more close , sharing feelings, thoughts everything. At first I felt we are just friends but then he began to drop hints and I kind if freaked out. I’m afraid that he will lose interest if I RECIPROCATE. I play it cool and it’s scaring me. I feel like I’m doing all wrong. Plus he don’t initiate much. But use every opportunity to move forward based on me, like when I say something unintentionally he use it as a step further and then again nothing. At the same time he treats me like a queen I feel supported respected kind of Sally met Harry mode. The problem that I slightly reject sexual hints, play it cool with feeling messages and don’t move forward with anything beating myself up afterwards for being aloof. It bothers me that he isn’t doing any logistic. Though one time I was assertive with a voice call and he fiercely reciprocated with all responsibility and delight (he was on the road and it took him troubles to find connection on the way for Skype ). I don’t understand. And then I was thinking may be he is kind of unsure? May be I should be more assertive given my family situation? He knows I’m cared by my ex He ALWAYS support me and unhappy when he can’t help due to the distance when I feel or do bad. But don’t step up with logistic. I begin to feel that I should be more assertive. How much of being is enough ? I had experience of being proposed by men out of the blue I didn’t say yes or no or just may be and nothing happened. WTF should I do for the right reciprocation??? I think men don’t understand my feeling messages they are too vague unclear and subtle..

    Basically my question is how all this Rori system works when there is a “husband who cares”? how other men feel? it’s not exavtly Circular Dating i suppose when there are competition with other men of the same status.. This “other man” should be very strong to step up for a woman to leave her husband and take responsibility for her child? I don’t mean exactly this my current friend , just interested about the concept .. I still hope to meet my love..
    I know some women who went from one marriage to another one without this freaking period of living alone all by myself with child. Any ideas?

    Kindest wishes to all wonderful Sirens



  148.  #148Andrea on November 9, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Ahhhhh… I feel relaxed and back on solid ground and happy. Happy!

    I had such a wonderful weekend. Just wonderful. And I feel so grateful to all of you ladies for your comments and for checking up on me. Ooohhh I feel connected.

    I realized that I was having such angst over Bob.. not because I wanted him or needed him to change or be any different than he is. I was in angst because I allowed myself to be in the position where I believed I NEEDED to count on him.

    On the morning of my trip I told myself a different story. I choose to go to this other city and I choose to take my daughters and I choose to have a blast at this concert and I choose to spend significant time with my family in other city after the concert and I choose to come back home when I want to come back home.

    Okay, so that meant I had to stop trying to control, understand, lean on, anything with Bob. I got to the point where I was just grateful for his gift of the tickets.

    He texted me that morning and asked about my plans. I told him very simply I’m leaving now with daughters to drive down to the city. I feel dissapointed that we couldn’t make our plans coincide. I feel anxious because the gas money down is now an added expenditure. But I also feel happy about the freedom of just going when I want to and coming home when I want to.

    Then I told him if he came I would meet him at the concert venue. He texted me back the info of the hotel which was already paid for with his credit card online and asked me if I would check in and use the room cause he hated for it to be wasted.

    Yep!!

    I got my daughters situated with Grandma and then I went to the hotel and checked in. Lovely, lavish, wonderful, peaceful.. I rested, showered, took a long time getting ready.. and then, in the end, Bob met me in the lobby and we went to the concert together.
    Then he took me out to dinner and gave me enough money to cover my gas mileage for the round trip.

    Then he went back home and I had an absolute wonderful time at the concert and with my family after the concert. I ended up running into an old friend of mine the next day. Years ago he and I became kind of pals but he was married. Now he has been divorced for three years.

    He took me to lunch and then that night he came out with my sisters and I and we sang Karaoke. Now he’s been texting me nice messages all my drive home.

    Just everything… it was all so wonderful.

    I still stand by my way of dealing with men. I don’t want to have to “train” a person, or “teach” him how to treat me. I don’t want to get into the energetically draining habit of trying to “get him to change”.

    I want to know who he is… fully who he is. I want him to feel free to show me who he is..all of who he is. And then I want to opportunity to step back and ask myself…. How do I feel about this person’s presence in my life???

    I don’t want Bob to change. I believe that he is who is, he deals with things the way he does, and that’s just Bob. Guess what…..??? After the angst I went through leading up to this big event, I know for a fact that Bob’s way of dealing with things does not work for me. I feel so glad that he paid the expenses of this weekend. It didn’t go the way I wanted it to go, but I feel happy and so grateful for the wonderful gift he gave me.

    And I feel very confident that I will have nothing to do with him from here on out. I feel grateful that I was allowed to see his spots before I got in too deep. I feel grateful that I continued to tell the truth to him: I do understand. I’m sorry that drama is happening to you. Please call me.

    That was my only truth. But it gave him the space to show me who he really was. I see that and I know that he is not a good match for me. I’m very happy knowing that.

    And I’m ecstatic that I got to see Garth Brooks in concert as an aside to this really great lesson.

    Now… on to the next lesson…..



  149.  #149Rori Raye on November 9, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Formula – welcome – and have you ever met this man in person? If not – all of this is moot. It’s what I call an “Imaginary Relationship.” Please, please get out there in your town and Circular Date!! Get yourself online dating, get some help from my new Coach Trainees – they’re free until Nov. 17th! – get help from ALL of them for free! Go here: http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/free-coaching-with-my-new-rori-raye-coach-trainees/ Love, Rori



  150.  #150Mistea1 on November 9, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    (((( Andrea )))) Wow, I’m really impressed about how you are/have handled your situation. Thanks for giving me more to think about. It feels to me like giving them just enough rope to hang themselves with and you know what they are like without the major investment. Wow.

    Now for the sirens: I am 10 days into my lean back. I had to go to where he was today because I was playing too. He came into my presence and I smiled and he said: “I haven’t see you in forever.” After the service he also came into my presence but that was all. What I want him to do is ask me about a time to see me to discuss this little proposal he asked me to do. What he wants me to do is to come and hang around until he decides to talk to me. I will continue leaning back. Eventually though I will take it to the people in charge myself. Dang, this is frustrating. In a business situation people would be fired for this stuff. Yes, I know this is not business. People wonder why I’ve remained single for all these years.



  151.  #151Indigo on November 9, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Andrea,

    You sound AMAZING!!!

    Woohoo, go you!!!

    That sounds like the most heavenly weekend away, and I feel such admiration for your authenticity.



  152.  #152Azure Blu on November 10, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Mistea WOW!!! 10 days leaning back!
    YOU are doing so Welll!!!
    and Music man came forward…. AND spoke!!! :-))

    Thank you for posting how your leaning back is going….

    I have found… as I have the courage to NOT focus on a certain CD
    I have more time for ME…
    to explore why am I REALLY focusing on Someone else…
    Allllll the things I really want to take care of in MY life but am avoiding…
    Leaning Back is such good therapy for ME!!!



  153.  #153Azure Blu on November 10, 2014 at 7:49 am

    I’m posting this on the new thread too…



  154.  #154Azure Blu on November 10, 2014 at 8:00 am

    (((Andrea)))
    Lovely Siren,
    I feel inspired by the classy way you untangled your life from Bob…
    Softly…
    Being open to him joining you at the concert…
    Enjoying a night out with him…
    Having SOOOO much fun…
    Sharing YOUR truth… (I remember when raising 2 children with NO child support…a tank of gas was out of my budget many days)

    and taking EXCELLENT care of you and your daughters..
    I admire how you accept him just as he is!!!
    That is love…
    BUT
    knowing in YOUR heart, he is NOT the man for you…

    Everyday is OUR happily ever after!!



  155.  #155Mistea1 on November 10, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Azure Blu—thanks for your comments. Actually the music itself opened me to some deep feelings and put them in stark reality. The main one that was triggering me very badly was abandonment by my father due to PTSD after the war. Since this is a survival issue I felt it was necessary to get professional help. It has been very helpful and I already have moderated my reaction to this man. I feel so relieved. I’m starting to recover my self-confidence and sense of humor. I remember that this is only a trigger and I’m not having to relive the father experience with other men in my life. I still have a couple of other issues to work on due to the music opening. I can handle them. Thanks for hearing me out.



  156.  #156Mika on November 14, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Hi Ladies,

    I really need your help, I’ve kept something that was bothering me pent up all day and now my boyfriend has gone to work probably feeling confused because I was ‘not there’ with him. I just let all my emotions out in the shower. I feel like my heart is breaking, I feel afraid to talk to him and tell him how sad I am, it just feels so intense and scary. Can I really just outpour onto him? I feel so afraid that he’s going to break up with me. Can I just go ahead and say I’m feeling really sad and upset because I’m afraid you’re going to break up with me? Or does it make me seem really insecure?

    Thanks,

    Mika



  157.  #157Indigo on November 14, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Mika,

    Can you share with us what makes you think he is going to break up with you?



  158.  #158Femininewoman on November 14, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Dearest Mika, I wouldn’t just outpour on anyone. They have to be in mental space to want to listen. We are only humans and can only handle so much.



  159.  #159Tee on November 19, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Fear. I didn’t know where to put this so here I am. I downloaded the “Have The Relationship You Want” ebook. Got stuck on Chapter 4. Ran across some icky feelings. It was asking for a 100% commitment to your relationship, giving it your all no matter what. I kinda stopped there to mull things over. I’m unsure of how I feel, but I have an idea of how I can get there. I need to CD. I need to learn interdependence. I’m wondering more and more if it’s not my partner who is toxic but myself?

    I tense up when he’s around, I don’t relax, I’m highly affected and distracted by him. My mind turns every thing he says to me into some type of negative put down. For example; I’ll forget something at the store that he may have asked for. He’ll say something like, Why didn’t you write it down?
    My mind/heart translates that into….why are you so stupid, you always forget something. ..I can’t wait until I can leave you!

    He’s never said these things though I admit that in the heat of the moment during an argument, we’ve said terrible things. I need to lovingly, positively detach from him. I’m always home and everything seems to set me off, I take everything personal!

    Things seem less tense when we’ve had a few hours or a day or so apart. I also realize that I’m afraid of finding who I am. I’ve spent a great portion of my life hiding behind taking care of others. I took my son on a daycare tour a few days ago, and they have an opening. My first thought of being without him was fear. Fear of not having him near me, yes but also fear that I can no longer use him to hide behind. Who am I if I’m not worrying or caring for someone.

    I have ideas for when I’m on my own. Logically, mentally it all appeals to me. Manicures, pedicures, massages, trips to the mall, throughout the city when I can get away with it, etc. Emotionally, I know it’ll be rough to not revert back to waiting, worrying, watching. My every thought telling me to go back home even though I know what I need to do to unravel myself. I don’t like who I’ve become. My masculine energy has taken over, I don’t like how our energies have shifted.

    I’m in fear of staying as I have been, I’m in fear of changing what I’ve been doing. ..OVERDOING for the past few years. In fear of the anger/resentment that’s built up. In fear that I won’t have the patience to turn things around. In fear that the changes will happen with a negative unhappy vibe as opposed to an accepting loving positive one.

    I intend to embark on this journey regardless, I feel like I’m being pulled in that direction. I feel vulnerable, like I’m in the front seat of a roller coaster as it slowly climbs the track preparing for that first huge drop.

    I don’t know if I’m gonna scream, laugh, cry or vomit on the way down lol

    I hope I’m making sense :/



  160.  #160Kirsten on November 21, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    I need some advice,

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for about 9 months. For the most part, we fit perfectly together. He is very much a “gym rat”, and is very health orientated. I try to be healthy as well, but HATE the gym, so I don’t go. He is constantly trying to convince me to go, saying that I could always become a “better me”. I have always been a very confident person, I am no where near over weight. I bring it up to him that it hurts my feelings when he is pestering me to go, that I don’t feel like he loves me for me. He also makes comments that if I ever become fat or can’t lose baby weight after I have kids, that he will leave me because he finds over weight women repulsive. The women in my family have been known to gain quite a bit of weight after having children, and I am worried that it has made me so self concious that I am no longer happy with what I see in the mirror.

    What can I do or say to him?



  161.  #161Dimitra on November 26, 2014 at 1:11 am

    Dear Rori,
    I feel blessed to find your work and start this wonderful process to heal myself. i love me very much and i want to take care of me.
    I feel dissapointed because i have discovered that i have put myself in a box from feel scared to express my feelings. I feel really strong inside but when i speak most of the time I seem weak. I practice feeling messages with everyone and it seems easy to me. But when i am involved with a man even going out on a date with a man i am slightly attractive i freeze. I feel my heart racing like crazy, my legs are trembling, I feel a heavy cloud around my chest and belly (this is where my anxiety lives), my mind goes blank and i noticed i dont breath. Literally my breathing stops! I have tried to put my hand in my heart, and think that he is there to help me and it does help a little but i feel nervous to give an answer so my first reaction out of it is either to smoke or say something completely different to wht i really intended to say. this makes me feel frustated because i dont serve well myself and makes me look weak and powerless. i guess that it also what i am feeling at that moment. What makes me even furious is that men tell me exactly what i wanted to say to them but couldnt! I want to stop being so afraid to express myself. I feel so exhausted closing down myself over and over. I feel so warm and loving inside but i cant express it. Can you help me with that? Thank you, Dimitra



  162.  #162Rose on January 12, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The man I thought I was in a relationship with, asked me to leave his house after a horrible argument on November 9th, when my inward litle girl got the best of me. I was hurt by his words, frightened that I would never see him again and chastising myself not knowing what I had done wrong. He said I was suffocating him.

    For the next several weeks, I emailed him, called him, and sent text messages, but to no avail. Then I dug out your CDs on “Have the relationship You Want” that I bought several years ago. I listened to them over and over again, and then put into practice exactly what you were saying. The most effective, however, was when I emailed him on the 10th of December (month, yes- a full month) requesting back several items that I had left at his house. (Ours is a long – distance relationship.) I also stated that I felt our break was good because it gave me the opportunity to find out if I wanted him in my life. He is a physician and very slow at making up his mind – critical thinking. I am a successful professional in my own right.

    It took until January 7 for hin to reply, but the reply was astounding. He wanted to see me and talk. And talk we did, over dinner. Again, I followed your advice, leaning away from him, using “feeling” statements, and kept it very short after we finished our meal. In essence, he stated that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me from his life. And, this is the best part, that he is moving here, to where I live, and yes, he wants to marry me.

    Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without your advice, I probably would have lost this man, and he truly is a wonderful man. I am going to continue to use your CDs. They contain the best advice I have found. Rori, I am 66 years old and have been alone for 33 years. If I can salvage a relationship at this late date in my life, so can all of the other ladies out there.

    May God Bless You!

    Rose