When He Has No More Interest In Sex – What Do You Do?

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Your Question:

“Rori, I’ve been in a relationship for about a year. He has ED and is not taking testosterone. He seems to have no interest in sex any longer, where we were very active at the beginning of the relationship. We’ve had a couple discussions about it. He says it’s not me but he seems to not even want to try.

Anything.

He has also gone from being VERY into the relationship to not texting as much and not asking me out on dates as much. He seems to indicate he thinks this is the natural progression of the relationship.

He is very sweet and kind to me. Has bought me several pieces of jewelry. Buys dinner most of the time. During our last talk about sex he became emotional when saying that if he couldn’t be there for me physically then he would try to be there for me mentally and emotionally.

He also admitted that when I stayed the night with him and was snuggled up on the couch in my Tshirt an undies that he wondered what was wrong with himself because he didn’t want to “do anything” in regards to being sexual. I feel like I’m trying too hard.

I’ve bought toys and outfits to motivate things. He verbalized that he recognizes that. I feel self conscious because I’ve gained about 10 lbs since we started dating because we were going out all the time and having drinks with dinner every time! We are committed to each other. He asked me to be his girlfriend long ago. We enjoy each other’s company. But still I feel like I am working at things more than him sometimes.

I’m over functioning. I’ve struggled with this because I don’t want to keep score in a relationship that’s existed over a year now and I could possibly see myself with this person long term. He told me in our latest conversation about sex that I should just tell him when I wanted some of that kind of attention that he wouldn’t tell me no. But on the other hand I feel if I tell him that I want that then most of the time I would be initiating EVERYTHING. My marriage was like this EXCEPT for sex.

This guy is much different than my former husband. I love and appreciate the connection we have but don’t know what to do about these little things. Especially sex. He assures me that it’s not me. He said that in the beginning of the relationship things were mysterious and he didn’t know me very well and now he knows me deeper. What? He was also taking testosterone in the beginning of the relationship and now he isn’t.

I have tried to back off texting him. I’m doing better with it. Some days are better than others though. I have stopped asking him to do things like meet for dinner or lunch.

But at the beginning of being closed down we still met out for dinner 1-2x during the week and got take out and sat out at a picnic table and now that’s stopped. Albeit it’s rained nearly every week around here.

I’m trying to circular date even if it’s just with myself since we are committed to each other…Any further suggestions would be helpful in regards to texting, dates and sex with this man. It’s crossed my mind to tell him that this just isn’t working for me even though we’ve said “I love you” to each other?

But I also think that if this is a testosterone issue and he is just in his head about his ED then I want to be patient and gentle with him. Thank you!

My Answer:

Dear “Patient and Gentle”:

First: I always question whether a man with no libido is gay, or asexual, or even gender neutral – and if he feels confused on a deep level.

He may not know it himself, not have even allowed himself to think of it. This is something you can suggest to talk about, but I gather, from what you say, that he is very, very sensitive – and without great preparation for the question, might get very defensive even at a mention.

This would then be a great friendship, without romance and sex.

Many women are very happy with this kind of situation! They feel free to be romantic and sexual with other men, and still have a great “friend/partner” at home!

This would work especially well with children…

Yet…if you then DO meet a man who can provide both relationship, partnership AND romance and sex – you’ll have a painful separation situation to deal with.

2. If he, deep down, is truly the gender he believes he is, so there is no complication there, and straight sexually – meaning he is generally attracted to women, then, for me, the very idea that he would not want to see a doctor is a deep red flag.

Yet, almost NO men want to see a doctor about this.

A man with a heart condition – VERY common – cannot take viagra, or testosterone, really, and feels in a pickle and deeply depressed about it all.

Still, that’s not an answer.

In this situation, your need is to take care of yourself, and this means stating clearly (if this is TRUE for you!) that you need a romantic, sexual relationship as well as a friendship/partnership, and will no longer be exclusive and committed with him!

I know this is hard to get your head around, yet, I would look deep down at why you find this situation acceptable on any level, and would wait even one day for a “partner” to help solve your basic needs (the basic need in a romantic relationship is sex – otherwise it’s a great friendship – which is fine! – and you get to decide what you want).

I have seen too much of this.

I have seen men exert “control” over women in many numbers of ways.

Amazingly, I have seen withholding of sex to often be a “marker” for this – yet, it’s almost always just a lethal combination of lack of libido, physcal problems, and fear of emotional exposure.

The important thing here is: there are ways to fix this.

There are ways to “make it work”.

And your man has no interest in fixing, or “making it work”.

I have seen women drag on for years and years like this.

Until you request, then insist, then finally make it a dealbreaker – most men will not move from their stuck place.

Being sweet, gentle, nice and not demanding (in other words, making the only choice he has to either fix it or go without you) will never work.

3. It’s only been a year. You need to Circular Date.

4. It is not even vaguely possible to have a relationship with a man who is not interested in sex. Period.

If, for YOU, he would take steps, see a doctor, go along with a weekly schedule of sex – that can work – but – Hey, is that what you really want?

A woman already in a long marriage may have good reason to ‘work’ on that – but at the beginning, for me, it’s WAY too big of a deal.

Perhaps this man would be an excellent friend!

Again, you need to Circular Date.

5: Suggestions on how to have a conversation:

“I love you. You’re a wonderful man. And I’m feeling bereft and sad that we don’t have any kind of sexual connection. Would you be willing to solve this for me? Perhaps we could go to a sex therapist who might have some ideas for us that we haven’t thought of? I did some research and found a few here…”

To help this along, do some online research for a sex therapist! There are MANY, likely in your area – and SO many you can work with online!

There are lots of exercises you can do together that Masters and Johnson created and WORK! (Somatic Touching…lots of ideas for you!)

There are also lots of things he can do rather than just “take testosterone”.

Heart conditions preclude viagra, and often testosterone – yet, if he doesn’t have those issues, perhaps there are different medical solutions he can ease into.

Finding the right doctor is crucial (and we all know how difficult that is) – and often, a good sex therapist knows everything there is to know, or at least has some referrals for you!

Love, Rori

 

 

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