When He Has Pictures Of His Ex On His Phone, Follow This Advice From Coach Natalina Love

2

The Question:

Hi Rori! I have a “history” with a guy friend and we’ve been back and forth but never taken it to a relationship level, which was ok for me because I was working through my own fears, unavailability + commitment blocks. I feel like I’m in a better place now and open to a relationship.

My question is, one of my biggest blocks is that he has pictures of his ex on his social media and on his phone and he also follows a bunch of women on his social media accounts.

We are not dating, so I don’t bring it up, but it bothers me to the point where I don’t even want to consider dating him.

He is a really kind, generous man but jaded by his past. I do have feelings for him and want to date him.

Is this something that’s “my issue” with a guy still having pictures of his ex on his phone or do I need to voice my feelings at some point or just move on from a guy who does this? Thank you so much!

The Answer From Coach Natalina Love:

Dear Jane, This is Natalina Love, hi. I’m Rori’s Siren School Director, and so thrilled to hear how much you’ve gained just working with Rori’s Cd programs, thank you for sharing this question…

So many of us feel trapped thinking we can’t talk or level with a man out of fear. I admire your wanting to respect the space between you – and respect your friendship in this way….

And, this might sound radical – but I can think of a great many scenarios where a gal-pal (totally platonic or otherwise) would feel very comfortable asking ‘what’s this about?’ seeing a good friend’s attachment to the past.

The overthinking we do – I might say is more about our own discomfort with what we want, and not wanting to talk about what we want, and not sure if that resonates for you…

Here’s the thing, a solid long term friendship like what I’m hearing you say you have with this man – and you are right, isn’t an invitation to impose on what and how we think a man should be, do…etc…

A long term friendship is very certainly a place where we can expect to hear the truth, and even expect truths to be challenged and taken into consideration.

If we feel like we can’t talk about something with someone who holds an important place in our heart, that’s a different and bigger problem.

It leaves me to wonder what other important issues could go left untalked about, left under communicated, and left for misunderstanding out of fear and doubt.

As a pattern.

There are ways to talk about the unpleasant, uncomfortable stuff – with curiosity and with care – which will be a relationship skill that will serve you in every kind of relationship dynamic that is important in your life.

Work, Family, Friendships… Every relationship Dynamic is stronger with a communication skill set of talking about the uncomfortable stuff.

To speak specifically around your friend and what you have noticed about his personal habits here – we can follow the Rori Raye Mantra for inspiration:

Follow your Feelings
Trust your Boundaries
Choose your Words
Be Surprised.

1. The Feelings part:

The first round of following the feelings is just the feeling – don’t search for a why or because yet…

The feelings can hold both what we want and what we dont want to experience…

…Wanting to feel good in a relationship, wanting more, feeling where you are now and how that feels —

2. Boundaries part:

I don’t want to be with a man who is attached to an ex.

I don’t want to get involved with a man who is going to be looking at other women.

In some ways this Boundaries part is more on what we want and don’t want – verbalizing this – getting clarity, feeling clarity on where we stop, where we expand our ‘feelers’ out and allow curiosity to be part of the picture.

3. Once we feel our feelings and are practicing more personal intimacy with our own standards of what we are available for or not…. It’s time to Choose Words.

In this case – I might suggest – feeling confused on what your role is?

The impression of needing to be very careful so you don’t offend him, or fall into a position that is offensive to yourself….

I don’t want to assume this is what it is for you, yet if this resonates for you – then please – you are welcome to adopt the narrative of how this is for you.

Personally, I have felt trapped feeling like I can’t speak, and this is how I would describe that place.

Not wanting to cause offense to myself or anyone else and unsure of what to say or avoid saying altogether to avoid discomfort in any of discomfort’s many forms.

The skills here – is a practice of congruency.

Letting go of the outcome, and speaking your truth.

All of which are not always such easy things.

In a private coaching session, one of Rori’s trained Siren Love Coaches would be able to walk you through variations of this conversation and how it feels for you – how natural, or unnatural- while watching your body language and the non-verbal elements of conversations that delve into this territory.

You don’t mention in your letter if or how keen he’s been in romancing you, just that you are okay with how much he isn’t …. so I’ll suggest a few different ways for how this kind of conversation can go from a ‘leaned back’ Siren attitude:

*”I noticed you follow all these girls and even your ex… Me – As a girl….and a friend, this makes me wonder how okay you’re doing…”

This may not get to the heart of the matter all at once – but there’s an opening for curiosity and ‘real talk’ to happen.

From here he could challenge why you worry – or brush it off – or say something that actually does make you bristle, and want to shut your heart down…. and I might say that wouldn’t necessarily be enough to say he’s not relationship material – it’s an invitation to exchanging information that is valuable.

This is where our hearts are invited to open and the surprises happen.

If the friendship is worthwhile to you, on any level – it’s worth talking about. 🙂

Learning how to speak to a man, to people who are important to us, as friends or co-workers or in any and all of the ways we want to keep love close and cultivate good feelings wherever we are and with whomever we’re with – that’s worth some curiosity and conversation.

Even sharing from that place exactly – something like, “I’ve worried this isn’t my place to have an opinion about what you do – and realize I’ve been judging you…. I don’t want to be that kind of friend…. Would you be willing to talk about something uncomfortable with me?” can surprise you, and change everything about how much closer and sanctuary-like your relationships become.

Love,
Natalina

Oh! Private Coaching….If you’d like to work with Rori’s coaches on how to speak even when it feels wrong….how to bring up the tough stuff…. how to navigate the weird feelings and more relationship skills – Siren Circle Private Coaching will give you 4-weeks of 1-on-1 coaching.

The Siren Circle program offers a format of 3 full hour sessions privately, and also includes 4 weeks of voice messaging support.

I will be there to organize and schedule your sessions for you, and assign the most optimum coaches for you. Just go here to sign up, and I will immediately get in touch with you with welcome materials.

Love, Natalina

Posted in