When He Starts To Be Less Attentive And You Start To Panic, Do This…

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Here’s a letter from “Finding Me” that perfectly puts one of our most common experiences with men into words:

“Good Morning. I don’t know where to begin…Rori, I have been listening to you for several months now and you have been such an inspiration! I am trying very hard to circular date (CD?). I met a man 5 months ago and as always everything was great in the beginning, I could take him or leave him and he chased, then somewhere along the way things turned around and I find myself chasing him, which I believe is what he wants me to do, but that does not make me feel good, I feel desperate and I feel needy and I do not like how that feels.

I want to be able to lean back and unzipper my heart, but I feel scared. I feel almost panicky at the thought that if I do not text him I will not hear from him. I waited 4 days the last time and then I felt overcome with fear that he might think I was no longer interested. I know what I must do but I don’t know how to do it. It feels so hard! Finding Me…”

My Answer:

Finding Me – Exclusivity is the problem here.

Unless you have some kind of verbal agreement – a negotiation that includes exactly HOW you are exclusive (can you go to dinner of the opera with another man if you don’t sleep with him?), how often you see each other, how much contact by phone, etc. you need in order to be exclusive – then you are NOT exclusive!

And the exclusivity is what’s making you panic.

You need the Targeting Mr. Right program – it will explain exactly what to say to him (Love Scripts will help you, too, with this).

You need to share with him how you feel when when you don’t hear from him for days, and because your relationship is so new, you don’t feel comfortable calling or texting him, it feels like chasing, and it doesn’t feel romantic.

That you’re just checking in with him to see if you’re “on the same page” around contact by phone, text, and seeing each other, and that if you’re not, that’s totally okay, and you can’t be exclusive until you know you’re on the same page and that just “dating” him is fine until he wants some kind of agreement with you.

This is wielding your power, and yes, it’s terrifying…Circular Dating will help.

You can’t mess up with the right man – and it’s your job to simply observe every man’s behavior around you over time to see if he IS Mr. Right.

What you’re experiencing – the fear, the panic, is exactly the same as a “junkie” feels when she doesn’t know when the next “fix” is going to happen. When she drops everything and runs to her drug dealer in desperation.

Pretty soon, her entire life revolves around:

“How am I going to get my next fix? How am I going to afford it? How and when am I going to connect with my dealer? How am I going to get some alone time to shoot up?”

You can see how easily this translates into:

“How do I get in touch with him? What do I say to him to get him to call more? How do I get him to come over, or ask me out, or spend more time with me?  How am I going to get more alone time with him? How do I get more….anything? What do I have to do to get his attention?”

There is no “quick and easy” way out of this if you just wish it would change.

Change, shift, transformation – what I call a “New Normal” and a new “Happiness Setpoint”  requires work. Just not the kind of work we’re taught to associate with relationship.

It requires a kind of moment-by-moment, daily “practice” – and one we WANT to DO with total enjoyment and ease, otherwise we’re not as likely to feel motivated enough to DO it.

As we move from letting what we “don’t know about ourselves” run us subconsciously to becoming more and more conscious of what we think, what we say to ourselves, the way we hold our bodies and what we hold onto inside our bodies and minds – everything gets better.

And there’s just no way around practicing.

So – that’s what we’re doing here – practicing, and helping each other practice, supporting each other’s practice – helping each other look at the unpleasant stuff and still love all parts of ourselves so much that we can move through ANYTHING!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Starla on November 20, 2012 at 10:48 am


  2.  #2Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Oh this is lovely: “helping each other look at the unpleasant stuff and still love all parts of ourselves that we can move through ANYTHING!”

  3.  #3Daria on November 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Ah yes I’m craving the fix

  4.  #4Daria on November 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I feel post that I’m going to Hawaii tomorrow

    I do not feel ready to go

    I am in need of my ‘fix’

    And that means today will suck and be all about getting ready

    I feel my thighs feel achy

    I feel heavy

    I keep thinking of Scorpio CD

  5.  #5Daria on November 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I really like him… I can’t believe he’s not contacting me

  6.  #6Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Practice. My whole life, I’ve either done nothing, shut down, gotten scared, or not spoken up. and I’ve felt nothing but regret and self-hatred as a result.

    Practice. It feels scary. It feels like I might lose. I’ve already lost. What is left to lose?

    Practice. Makes perfect. What is perfect?


  7.  #7Daria on November 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

    ‘1170: Indigo says:

    Lady K 991 & 1009

    If I may, Rori said somewhere that not chasing a man is so therapeutic a thing to do, that our old traumas and feelings naturally come up, just as if we were in deep therapy. It really helps me to remember that, when I am at home and feeling like I’m going crazy. That this is all old stuff coming up and it will make me stronger and better and happier, even if it feels scary and yuck and painful in the short term. Every moment is a chance to grow and do something differently and choose the good feeling

    Tuesday, 20 November 2012 @ 10:08am’

    Wow thank you. Ok this helps remind me why it’s ok to allow myself to feel anxious and unhappy in the moment when I keep on thinking of calling a guy.

    Yesterday I finally Did call Scorpio CD and left a message

    It feels tempting to lean forward nowadays – I’ve gotten the hang of ‘no blame’ so I can make it easy abd soft and well… Non blamy.

    Hehe which feels like a relief.

    I often also don’t feel so insecure that I’d be crushed.

    But…! I still have obsession – thinking of him over and over come up… As well as anxiety related to that.

    So I can totally practice healing this!

    Thank you!

  8.  #8Calypso on November 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

    My FIX . . . Plotting to get my FIX . . . LOL. This is so true. Want, want, want . . . my GM FIX.

    However – I do not want JC. Sad to say, but i think I killed whatever it was I was capable of feeling for him. I don’t know if it was never real to begin with or if I sabotaged it, but either way – I went out with him last night and back to his house after and the whole time I was just looking at him like I could not possibly care any less . . . very sad.

    We still have our 3 nights alone in a cabin in the mountains, plus the 8 hour drive there and back to get through – I hope we at least enjoy our time together. I feel it ending – I wonder if he does too? Probably.

    Reminds me of the song, “Goodbye in Her Eyes” by the Zac Brown Band.

  9.  #9Tam on November 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Actually, not having a man in my life has reduced the drama (yes and the excitement and happiness about romance) to a bare minimum.
    I just realised this.
    English CD had a go at me because he saw on fb that I am home alone on thanksgiving…and he had offered to take me along to his friends and I hadn’t really declined just said ‘probably not’ and now he freaks, like ‘you should have told me rah rah rah’…well, he could have asked. And he doesn’t own me. Actually. I can do what I want and that feels good.
    I don’t want to spend overnighting at people’s houses that I don’t know, going as a couple. No.
    And besides, although I don’t want to be home alone, I need to be available for work, so it’s ok.

  10.  #10Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Four months ago I let a guy back in my life. I needed a fix so bad. Then just over three months ago he did something that was very hurtful where he did not support me. Since then I have not let him back into my home or my body. It felt like the last straw that he did not support me in this endeavor or think I was the best at it.

    I had a few cd’s then and one I thought would go somewhere but it did not. Although it was a great experience of being very open from the beginning with a guy and expressing my needs and wants so well. I felt a bit high maintenance and he liked it. Anyhow he ran into an old friend and told me he could not decide between us. Then later tried to get me to stay his friend after picking her. He said he chose her not because he liked her more but because they had mutual friends and history. I told him I could not stay his friend while he found out whether or not it would work with her that I was looking to date. Anyhow I felt open and that i had stood up for myself.

    At he same time my guy was stepping up his phone calls and dates and many conversations about us. We went through a lot. He paid much more attention to me. It was quite romantic at times. And there was kissing and hugging and it felt great. I was expressing myself better with him than ever. And I was going on other dates and dating myself too. And he was so attracted. But it finally came to a head a couple of times. He is just not willing or wanting to give me the happy ever after that I want.

    He said also that it felt like reverse psychology because he wanted me more than ever now that I didn’t want him. And of course it wasn’t that I did not want him but that I could not continue the way we had been. He ended up saying it was manipulative and disrespectful and frustrating and he no longer cared to participate. That was by email.

    He had wanted to stay in my life in some fashion but not in the couple of ways I wanted. So, it feels like he could not step up enough and after over three months of not getting it his way (which felt more like friends with benefits) yet professing his love he is gone.

    I want a fix. Yet, It is of no use. I have been rather doormatty during our five years. And the best i was in sticking ul formyself has been the past 13 weeks. Hard to believe it has been that long both he 13 weeks and the five years!

    He had also told me just a few weeks ago how really attractive I had been lately. And he was treating me better. I do see how Rori’s tools really work. And I have learned so much. I do have a new cd that just contacted me over the weekend. It has helped me feel less piny. And we have a first date for this weekend. Just hard to not contact the 5 year guy. I did email him back in Sunday when he said he didn’t care to participate any longer and that we had run iut of options.

    I did my best with agreeing with him rather than fighting and I just said “it would be best.”

    So, now to turn to other activities and people and not contact him. He does have a large number of things at my house including pieces of furniture and lots of tools and such…

    Focus on me is where I need to be!

  11.  #11Femininewoman on November 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

    “As we move from letting what we “don’t know about ourselves” run us subconsciously to becoming more and more conscious of what we think, what we say to ourselves, the way we hold our bodies and what we hold onto inside our bodies and minds – everything gets better.”

    I have become conscious that I hold stuff in my stomach, my breasts, my vagina and my shoulders. Consciously letting stuff go is a different kettle if fish.

  12.  #12ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I feel yucky reading this
    I am in an addictive and hopeless situation
    Ugh.I was feeling ok a few minutes ago writing out the positives of my day(on the other thread) but this is like a slap in the face

  13.  #13ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    that wasnt fair but I was just venting how I felt
    I gotta deal with my situ as im not yet prepared to change it

    Good for you Starbright

  14.  #14Starla on November 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

    It’s so easy to see others who are pining, and to tell them how yucky it is when we see them doing it.

    until you’re the one pining.

    ohhhh man

  15.  #15Tam on November 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I am happy to say that I am so over this kind of behaviour..I realised this year that it’s not healthy:

    ‘How do I get in touch with him? What do I say to him to get him to call more? How do I get him to come over, or ask me out, or spend more time with me? How am I going to get more alone time with him? How do I get more….anything? What do I have to do to get his attention’

  16.  #16Calypso on November 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Boot Camp update – got a letter from my son yesterday and he mentioned our surprise phone call – he told me he had been asleep in his bunk when he was woken up to go see his Sr Drill Instructor, so he was freaked out when he was talking to me and he said he was sorry he had to talk like a Recruit and could not tell me how much he loves and misses me – Thanks God he did not apparently notice that i was talking to him like he was a CD . . . LOL!!! Whew!

  17.  #17Tam on November 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Mancrack Anonymous:

    I was an addict.
    It stopped when I had another man.
    The craving for the fix is still there just a little – but I am not giving in. So not tempted.

  18.  #18Daria on November 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

    oh i feel excited! soon as i woke up all these men are excited to see me!

    this Jamaican musician guy on tour here just rented a car and is coming

    which prevents the cute guy who works by my house from coming to quickly meet me in an hour

    awww 🙂

    and also i dont know what willh apen with Nice CD the one who saw me everyday and took em dancing last week, who is coming back in town and wants to see me from 3 to 7


    i feel excited to kick it wiht Jamaican Tour guy. he’s going to Brazil tomorrow and it feels exciting to connect w people doing big starry seeming stuff to me

  19.  #19ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:41 am


  20.  #20Daria on November 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

    thanks Daria for thinking about jumping in the shower right now

  21.  #21Starla on November 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

    I also want a fix.

    I wonder how much of my missing CF is just missing the fix.

  22.  #22Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Ever since I had that talk with SMC, I keep rotating feelings.

    feeling terrified of seeing him, feeling embarassed, feeling liberated, feeling elated, feeling curious, and then starting back at the beginning.

    I did see him once since then. I was behind a tinted window, where I could see clearly outside, but for others to see me, was more difficult because of the tint.

    He stood up, faced me, and looked right at me, but I couldn’t tell if he saw “me” or not.

    It made my stomach drop to my toes in fear.

    I want to handle it with grace, confidence, and a smile.

    Say I didn’t have the conversation.

    How would I feel?

    I don’t know. But I was tired of feeling weird and unsure and like he had some kind of weird power over me.

    Now that I have embarassed myself? Empowered myself? and had him to tell me what I needed to hear (I’m getting serious with my gf), he can’t really have any power over me, can he?

    Not unless I let him.

    and here I am, sitting here thinking about him, but that’s okay.

    I really think I’m thinking about him as an idea, as a healer, more than him as an individualized man. Experimenting, seeing what kinds of reactions I get when I say and do certain things, or when I don’t do or don’t say certain things.

    I think the conversation did make him a little angry.

    I made nearly all of it about me and my feelings, but one thing I did say was “I was trying to keep it brief but I felt like you were trying to keep me there, talking to you. and I’ve just felt weird seeing you ever since.”

    an accusation? yes.

    He talked about not seeing any reason to be stand-offish. Talked about his girlfriend that’s not his “girlfriend” that he’s known forever.

    Then, I felt myself getting defensive. Like he was accusing me of not being able to handle guy/girl friendships? Which is not true, and I felt the need to give an example to counter his?

    I did admit to him that I felt disappointed when i found out that he had a gf. and I admitted that I kind of started avoiding him a little bit. and I didn’t say this, but every time we ran into each other, I was still warm and friendly. Even though I was technically “avoiding him” in a sense, I don’t think you could call me “stand-offish.”

    Just processing. I like processing. I don’t feel obsessive or anything, and that feels good. I just feel curious…

  23.  #23Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Starla: #14 – That is soooo true! I’m chock full of advice most of the time (because I really do like to share what I learned and experienced from my struggles with J in the beginning) but I’ll be the frist to admit that if anything ever happened to him or between us, I would totally and completely fall apart and would maybe make lots of mistakes again. I’d like to think that I would put everything I know into practice (and I have put lots of it into practice in the past but I’m guessing that was easy because I was angry and not so much sad or heartbroken)…but I’m not sure I would be strong enough to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. It’s much, much easier to see pining in other people than to see it in ourselves and it’s INCREDIBLY easier to give advice than it is to apply it.

    I don’t know what I would do if J ever walked away but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be “right” or “good for me”…at the same time, I struggle when I see other women “making mistakes”. Your comment up there was right on target in my opinion.

    As for this article: ” I find myself chasing him, which I believe is what he wants me to do” – That’s not what he wants you to do. I think it feels that way to us because it is what WE want HIM to do, but more times than not, chasing is absolutly NOT what a man wants from a woman.

    Much Love,

  24.  #24Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 11:54 am


    Thanks for your “Good for you, Starbright.”.

    I feel seen and read! It has been a tough and also exciting road . I do miss the attention. And I feel frustrated for wanting a fix. But, if it cannot be I must be moving in different directions.

    And, I have been reading your posts today…the discussion you and Tam and others have been having about feeling messages encouraged me to write a bit of what I have been going through the last four months. It is a process and when you are ready to do more feeling messages with your guy, you will do them. I can’t recall if you are married?

    Also kudos for you nanowrimo words today !


  25.  #25ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Thank you Starbright
    The last thread was a good one.learnt loads
    Feeling a bit triggered by this one but, hey, I know why.
    Anyway, its time for a little run

  26.  #26Tam on November 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Starbright, for what it’s worth, I admire your resolve. Sounds like you are on the right track there!

  27.  #27Tam on November 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    It seems the good thing about losing someone is that it gives you space to concentrate on yourself, which in my case is really needed…and the men that kind of buzz around me and try to make me feel guilty for not chasing or initiating more and falling away or whatever – who cares. I just lost my love, so why should I get upset about them all falling off like flies. I don’t.

  28.  #28Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm


    Thank you! I really appreciate your comment! And, also your posts today on feeling messages. Overall, they seem to work really well. And I have also learned a lot about myself and my relationships are much more satisfying. Even if I am still not where I want to end up. I am in a much better place than before. I have tools now and that makes a big difference.

  29.  #29Starla on November 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    mercedes, your honestly feels super good.

    yeah we’re all so good at giving advice:) hehe

  30.  #30Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Why did I do it? I don’t know. Would I have done it if I was feeling more secure in a different relationship? Probably not.

    I feel like I embarassed myself and gave away some of my power.

    but I also feel empowered.

    How is that even possible?

  31.  #31Sirenity on November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Starbright , what a wonderful narrative about you and your self discovery.

    I loved how you changed and stopped accepting crumbs, because you knew it was going nowhere, i love how you stay open , I love how you rejected Guy 1 ‘s non committed FWB offerings and I l;ove how you also knew it felt better to reject friendship with Guy 2.
    You come across as so centred and REAL and VERY attractive indeed.

    WOW. I was even more Wowed when i read that guy 1 was a 5 year thing. I had one of those two and I ended up rejecting his paltry offerings too. i had to take extreme measures to keep him away from me becaue if he got within 100 miles of me i was lost entirely to my need for a fix.

    You are a wonderful Siren!!

  32.  #32Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Lamabutterfly: I like this “I don’t know. But I was tired of feeling weird and unsure and like he had some kind of weird power over me. ” – Sounds like something I’d actually say to a man. 😉

    I think you absolutely kept your power. Absolutely. The question is whether or not you still hold on to it. And that will be resolved next time you see him. I wish you could lose the feelings of embarrassment (or at least process through them and let them go)…because in my mind, you were awesome and stayed true to yourself. Beyond that, you have nothing to be concerned about. I think you’re reliving this conversation a little too much and I’d like to see you come to terms with it. I personally think you were great! 🙂

    Much Love,

  33.  #33Sirenity on November 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    too not two …uugh its too early here.

  34.  #34Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Being open is vulnerable and also empowering. Good for you for being open! It is always good practice. It doesn’t always get us what we want but each time it makes it a little or a lot easier for the next time. 🙂

  35.  #35Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    @32 Mercedes – wow, thanks so much! I kind of feel in awe that someone feels that way about what I’m perceiving as “an embarassing conversation.”

    how can I shift my feelings from embarassment to acceptance and maybe even pride?

    I do feel proud that I did it. It was a courageous thing to do. I haven’t done a lot of courageous things in my life, and I want to do more.

    I’m trying to put myself in his position. What if I was in a relationship with a guy, and one of my guy friends started backing away from me, but I still stared at him (maybe I’m wondering why he is putting distance between us?)

    Then, my grandfather dies and out of no where he sends me a card. I would really appreciate that, and it would make me miss my guy friend.

    Then, when I’m without my boyfriend, he sits next to me and asks me how I’m doing. I would feel very touched, and being around him again would probably make me miss him.

    These are all very logical feelings…

    but here’s where I feel weird/fishy.

    If I was with my boyfriend a week later, and he drove up and I saw him, I wouldn’t like…shun eye contact with him.

    That would feel like a cold, hard, ignore.

    Maybe that’s not what he did. maybe that’s just what I perceived.

    but I would probably smile and be happy to see “my friend.”

    the other thing that feels fishy is how he NEVER talks about her with me the few times we’ve talked since he’s been in that relationship.

    if they are getting so serious, why not?

    why doesn’t he want his gf and I to be friends?

    Why does his gf never smile back when i make a point to genuinely smile at her?

    and maybe there’s the issue that he and I aren’t really that great of friends, which might be true, since we haven’t been friends that long.

    I feel silly writing about all this, but I think I’m doing it mostly because I have issues with trusting myself and my perceptions. I want to trust myself and my perceptions more.

    I fully own the fact that perceptions can be incorrectly perceived. I also don’t have to dwell on my perceptions, as accurate or as inaccurate as they may be.

    I just want to forgive myself, and recognize myself as a logical, rational human being, who isn’t crazy or over-emotional or desperate or pathedic. Because you know what? I’m not!

    I feel so much love for myself right now, and I hate what a rare feeling that is, but I intend to hang onto it!

  36.  #36Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm


    I feel so melty and teary reading your post to me!!! Aw, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to write such a heartfelt comment! I feel so seen and understood and I thank you so very much!

    And you understand having been in something similar. It is so good you were able to get away. And it sounds like you must have gone through a lot with

    It does feel a bit uncomfortable admitting it was five years. However, it is the truth and it has been a long haul. He would like it to continue as it was forever I think. I am sure he is not finished trying. It is only me that I can control. And I do feel like I have found some resolve! If not now when. I do want my happy ever after! And he has taken himself out of the running.

  37.  #37Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Sirenity, you are very sireny!!!

    I just reread your post to me and find your words to me so very beautiful. Thank-you, thank-you thank-you!

    I will save your post for any time I have any doubt about my decision!

  38.  #38Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    @34 Starbright – Thank you. and you know what? it actually did get me what I wanted, which is for him to verbally tell me the truth. I don’t know why that feels so good to me, but it does. I love hearing truth. I hate being lied to, and I hate when words and actions don’t match up…

    I want to smile at him and her when I see them again. I want to feel centered and grounded and proud of myself for clearing the air.

    I put myself in her shoes as well. How would I feel if some girl had a conversation like this with my boyfriend?

    If I was secure in myself and in my relationship with him, I honestly wouldn’t care. I might feel a little sorry for the girl, and I guess that’s what I feel most embarassed about or concerned about.

    but if I wasn’t secure in myself or the relationship? (which I fear is the case with her) I think I would feel angry and threatened.

    and so I feel a little nervous about seeing her for that reason.

    there’s also the consideration that he may not even tell her. would he need to? I guess if my relationship with a guy friend who was interested in me wasn’t a big deal to me, there would be no need to tell my boyfriend.

    would there be any reason for him to tell her about our little conversation?

    I guess not.

    So there really isn’t a need for me to feel embarassed, is there?

    I feel silly for typing all this out, but it made me feel better.

    and that feels good. 🙂

  39.  #39Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Lamabutterfly: I think you need some visualization meditations. I can tell you are logical and rational but…when you say “those are logical and rational feelings”…well…you sound a bit like me! LOL! I still do that “It doesn’t make sense why someone would feel that way. I wouldn’t feel that way so it makes no logical sense that someone else would.” Ummm…we both need to learn that “logical” and “rational” are not terms we can tie to feelings. 🙂 We’ll get this.

    Back to the meditations. I really think you need to visualize yourself as totally and completely confident, happy, proud, all those good things you want more of.

    Picture: Genuinely smiling at her and at him without expectations or concerns when they don’t return it. You should see yourself genuinely smiling at EVERYONE so when they see you and you don’t see them, they’re stilling seeing this smiling, confident happy person.

    You’re so scared (projecting here so please correct me if I’m wrong) about how the next time you see him might go and that’s where you begin to feel powerless or embarrassed. You keep thinking and thinking and thinking about the different ways it could all play out and your focus is most likely on the worst possible outcome.

    Visualize you seeing him again and nothing happens. You smile, he smiles, she smiles and you all pass through the day happy.

    He talks to you again, he doesn’t she does, she doesn’t, you and she become friends, you dont, you and he grow your friendship, you don’t…none of it matters. What you should visualize is YOU being happy and cared for and loved by EVERYONE around you and whatever THEY do/say/feel/think really makes no difference to that happiness.

    Technical details: (haha!)

    I recommend visualizations like this twice a day starting with 5 minutes per session and then moving up to 10, ect until you can really focus on it for 30 minutes twice per day.

    While visualizing, sit straight up (excellent posture is critical) but make sure you also feel confortable (I have my yoga mat down with a zabuton on it and a zafu pillow on top of that – check my blog…several posts back…to see pictures of my meditation room. My legs are crossed and my butt is on the zafu with my knees on the zabuton. It doesn’t have to be like this though…roll up a towel and put it under your butt if you want). Keep your eyes open but fixed on a focal point of your choice. (I use the design on my yoga mat so my eyes are slighly lowered but I am careful to keep my head straight and facing forward…my head and neck are a straight line – imagine a string connecting the top of my head to the ceiling).

    Now…Breathe in through your nose, hold the breath for 3 seconds then out through your mouth…breathe out just a little bit longer than what feels comfortable then hold for three seconds and back in through your nose. When you feel comfortable and natural with the breathing, start with the visualization and allow the breathing to do what comes naturally while you focus on seeing yourself happy and confident. Sometimes you will continue to breathe the way I described above, sometimes you will not breathe “correctly” and visualize at the same time. That’s okay. It will come more and more natural to you over time.

    After a few days, you should start to see some results. After 30 days, you will be amazed. (My experience)

    “how can I shift my feelings from embarassment to acceptance and maybe even pride” – Follow the above steps and I think it will happen. It won’t happen right away so please don’t get discouraged but I believe it WILL happen.

    Oh…and set a timer. The last thing you want to do is check the clock in the middle of a meditation to see if your time is up. lol

    Also, it helps to picture yourself happy and confident even when you’re not actually meditating. I catch myself at random times throughout the day (sometimes even when I’m just hanging out on the couch watching a movie with J) and I’ll picutre myself as the most amazing woman EVER! 🙂

    Anyway…wow…had NO intention of writing a long and pretty complete meditation lesson here today. LOL!

    Enjoy it…I do!

    Much Love,

  40.  #40MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Wow. Thoughts taken right out of my brain. Words right out of my mouth…Amazing.

  41.  #41Femininewoman on November 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    “chasing is absolutly NOT what a man wants from a woman.”

    haha I had a guy tell me “sometimes the chaser wants to feel like the chasee too” when he was encouraging me to chase him. He must have forgotten that some time ago while talking about another woman he had mentioned he does not want any woman focussed

  42.  #42BAB on November 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    My heart feels really sad today. I font want to go tact him at all (first) until Iv had a solid chunk of him doing it first for me. I want to feel craved snd his only one. I want to not worry I wand up not abbesse.
    I don’t know where to start over at again. I
    mad I regressed. I feel shame I’m not as far along as I want to be. I feel I want to quite.

  43.  #43Goddess Lily on November 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    39 – Mercedes,

    I know that wasn’t meant for me but I think I needed that lesson. Thank you!

  44.  #44BAB on November 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I love my want to obsess. I love my lack of will power. I love my old patterns. I love my labk of knowledge as to where to go from here.

  45.  #45Iamabutterfly on November 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    @39 Mercedes – I feel so smiley! Thank you so much for writing all that out. Your instincts are right on, and I know your advice will help me tremendously.

    I feel so sad for my little girl. I remember being that happy person not too long ago, it’s just that sometimes when I get down, I forget how to pick myself back up!

    Thank you thank you thank you! 🙂

  46.  #46Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    FW: LOL! He’s confused. haha! (I’m making him out to be what I think men are like so take this with a grain of salt – and a shot of tequila and a lime if you like).

    He hates being chased and has no desire to hang with a woman who chases him.

    What he wants is to feel like he is DESIRED when he’s the one who has chased a woman. He wants to know that he caught her…he does not want to run from her while she chases him. 🙂

    Heehee! I think I know men so well. LOL!

    Much Love,

  47.  #47Goddess Lily on November 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    I want to send the “innocent” text – “is your head cold?” (Work ex left his hat at my house this fantastic weekend) Innocent, my a$$. I know what I want from that. And I would only feel more frustrated if I don’t get it.

    He actually visited my desk today. Walked up behind me and scared the mess out of me while I was writing that message to Ruth. I wonder if my vibe had anything to do with that.

  48.  #48Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Awww….Thank you so much!

    Let’s all do a 30 day commit to meditate twice per day. 🙂 I wonder what the vibe would be like on here if we all did visualization meditations for 30 days. LOL!! Just imagine it: All of us taking the next 30 days to convince ourselves that we are strong, happy, confident, sexy, proud, smart, logical, rational, feeling, emotional (in a good way), amazing and unstoppable women! 😉

    Now THAT would be a fun little experiment!

    Much Love,

  49.  #49MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I am a junkie for the once a year, or so, fix I get from a certain man. :/

  50.  #50MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm


    I’m in on that for sure. I will do my first official one right now. 🙂

  51.  #51ruth on November 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    48 Mercedes
    I feel tempted by that idea

  52.  #52Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Ruth and MissStix: I’m very serious about this. It’s easy for me to say though…I already meditate twice each day. I don’t do visualizations that often anymore (I do more of a Zazen meditation right now…which I’m not very good at yet but I’m being patient) but I’ll do it with everyone if y’all are interested. I would love to hear how it’s going for everyone and to see how it affects our emotions as we grow and learn throughout the process.

    Maybe I can put up a post on my blog with the above lesson and encourage others to join in as well. It’ll be amazing. I’d like to see women throughout the entire world seeing themselves as they really are…FABULOUS creatures of the earth!! It’s harder to get people to feel this way about themselves than it should be…maybe if we concentrate on a few of us at a time, we’ll slowly change the world!

    Much Love,

  53.  #53Starla on November 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I can commit to once a day!

    ooh fun

  54.  #54Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    YAY Starla!!! This is exciting!!! I hope I have time to write a blog post tonight! I have this Pied Piper feeling right now. We all start moving and the rest of the world follows along making beautiful changes in the world! 🙂


    Much Love,

  55.  #55Shar lean way back on November 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I’m in for once a day 🙂

  56.  #56Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    SharLWB: YAY!!!! Woot!!! The more the merrier! 🙂

    Much Love,

  57.  #57ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Yeah.I am in for once a day too
    I used to be very into Yoga, and it helped so much
    I know I am going to feel a bit silly at first

  58.  #58ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Goddess Lily


  59.  #59Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    GL: Will you join us too? Not trying to pressure you, just questioning because you liked the post… 🙂

    Much Love,

  60.  #60ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I may have to stand in tadasana to do mine
    I cant sit properlyon the floor right now
    The running has done nothing for my flexibility and i am properly musclebound
    cant sit on my heels or cross legged and be comfy any more

    (Yoga peeps hate runing lol)

  61.  #61Starla on November 20, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    ack, now i can’t wait to get home and do it!!

    2 more hours and i can go!

  62.  #62ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Its late ish here so I will do mine tomorrow
    I am going to visualise energy to myself, cos thats what I need right now.Like a small red spark which will grow and grow to a torrential flame

  63.  #63Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    LOL! Starla! YAY!

    I do mine early in the morning before anyone else is awake and at night right before I go to bed. Sometimes J meditates with me. Sometimes we just do the breathing exercises in bed as we’re falling asleep.

    Ruth: Any posture is good as long as your back is straight and you are comfortable. Even sitting on a chair will work well. Posture is key….no slumping and slouching. lol

    I felt silly at first too…especially the first time J and I did it together. We giggled a LOT but eventually he got me settled down (yes….he got ME to settle down). 🙂

    Much Love,

  64.  #64Goddess Lily on November 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    I want to. I question whether I have the attention span to do it. I’m easily distracted. But I’m in! I feel intimidated by just the 5 minutes. Lol

  65.  #65ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Mercedes, i can do sitting in a chair
    I will just imagine that i am playing my flute
    posture will then be good

  66.  #66Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Ruth, I feel the same..I used to be super flexible and once I started running and stopped everything else, I got very toned and non-flexible.
    I just have no patience for yoga.

  67.  #67ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Goddess Lily
    WE used to do relaxation at yoga which was a bit like meditaion
    when the thoughts come to interrupt you, just bat them away and bring the focus back
    it gets easier the more you do it

    Ooh, I feel excited about this

  68.  #68Starla on November 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    GL, just go for 2 minutes. this gives you a minute to settle in and a full minute to practice:)

    seriously, doing any sort of visualization (or mindfulness meditation while we’re at it) is SUPER challenging. 5 minutes is a long time to ask someone to be focused if they’re out of practice.

  69.  #69ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Tam, I an still pretty flexible for a runner, apart form downward facing dog thing
    But I do have HOOJ leg muscles

  70.  #70Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    @ 39 Mercedes

    Thank you for sharing that meditation lesson! I will most certainly try it out soon too.

  71.  #71Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Ladies, may I admit that I feel really sad?
    I feel in love.
    And I have admitted that to myself, because I hadn’t until a couple of weeks ago.
    Point is that when I recognised that, I also recognised my self love and that it is more important.
    I am not tempted to compromise on my self love anymore.
    But I still feel bloody sad. How long should I permit myself to?
    It’s not an urgent sadness, more an underlying one, one of hopelessness and defeatedness, one that says ‘you did your best, it didn’t work, nothing can be done now’.
    It’s an ‘at peace’ sadness.
    It’s just quite strong.
    I used to have anger instead of sadness in my life, a lot of anger – and that is completely gone for some reason…thing is, it was so much easier to deal with, that used to push me to do all sorts, such a powerful force in my life…and the sadness doesn’t push me to do anything..it just wants me to sit there and cry.
    I don’t know 🙁

  72.  #72Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    GL: It’s okay if your mind wanders…it probably will…mine still does sometimes (and I’ve been meditating for YEARS). It’s why I’m not very good at Zazen yet. My mind has a lot of trouble staying on one topic…it’s even worse when the topic is NOTHING. LOL!

    What I learned was to be patient and not get discouraged by this. When my mind wanders and I catch it, I tell myself “Thank you for that thought, I’ll come back to it, right now I’m doing something else” and I gently bring myself back to my visualization (or counting breaths or whatever I’m doing in the moment). I used to get so discouraged I wanted to quit but I don’t anymore (much). I am gentle with myself and I promise myself I will get back to that thought later. lol. It sounds silly, I know but I do it anyway.

    Another thing that used to happen to me all the time is I would yawn. Sooooo distracting!! But then I learned that as we relax through meditation our bodies will also relax. Yawning was my diaphram relaxing. Now, my body is more used to the relaxed state and I don’t have near the trouble with yawning but at first it was quite annoying for me and yet another reason why I thought “I’m no good at this!” Darn nasty mean voices in my head!

    Much Love,

  73.  #73MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm


    I feel very similar to the way I feel after yoga, but with a more zen kind of feel instead of energized. Very deep. Center of gravity feels heavy into my feet and I feel blessed, happy and languid.

  74.  #74Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    So I bought lovely food for Thanksgiving…and fairy lights for my balcony, and a couple of candles.
    I hardly ever spend money frivolously these days as I don’t have any…but I just had a little bit…and am tempted to spend it on nice things for my apartment…I have bedding from 20 years ago in here, that was left for me and I so want to put my own touch on stuff….and I need clothes.
    I want to treat myself and have to be careful, but it felt so good to just spend $2 on fairy lights..they have cheered me up so much…

  75.  #75ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Dear Tam
    I wish |I could give you a hug

    there IS no timeline on grief and mourning.I think this is what you are saying?
    It is not linear either, sometimes you take a stepforward and two steps back

  76.  #76Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Ulii: YAY!! I’m a meditation freak and I LOVE it when others want to give it a try! 🙂

    Ladies: You are all making me SOOOO happy today!

    Much Love,

  77.  #77MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I didn’t find it difficult at all, but that’s my mind. I zone out at random times throughout the day every day. It’s my mind’s most natural state lol the difficult part, for me, is not going into complete nothingness and keeping focused on something at all.

  78.  #78ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Not heard of Zazen

    Again, ladies, i commend to you DRU, or Heart Yoga

    (really must get back to that)

  79.  #79Mel on November 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Hi beauties!

    I wanted to share an interesting experience. Two sort of similar scenarios, with two different reactions on my part, and the result was soooo different.

    Scenario 1: I was feeling stressed and tired and frustrated at the airport. Things weren’t “going my way” and I somehow expected him to do something about it, without expressly asking him to help, or sharing my feelings or even FEELING my feelings. I had this really blamey mentality and I could actually see him pulling away. And that made me feel angry AT him, and he got more separate and distant and less helpful… and suddenly I was like: whoa! What am I doing here? None of this is his fault. And I melted into my body and felt a tear form in the corner of my eye and looked at him with a different perspective. He no longer felt so far away.

    Scenario #2:
    On the way home, my feelings got a little hurt. But I didn’t go into instant blame mode. Somehow I just stopped moving and just FELT sad. And I told my little girl that she had every right to be sad, ‘ouch!’ that hurts, doesn’t it? But my more mature self, that has more life experience, knew that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. And that the best thing to do would be to just honor that sadness and then try to do what I could to feel better. I put in my earphones, and listened to my favorite music, and not once did I blame him in my mind. He hugged me close and didn’t get distant, and just let me feel in his presence. It felt magical. No words were spoken, but he seemed to get it. Even though I didn’t expect him to.

  80.  #80Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    MissStix: 73…NICE! 🙂

    Much Love,

  81.  #81Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Thank you Ruth, I feel the hug even if it is only virtual.

  82.  #82Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Ruth: In Zen Buddhism, zazen (literally “seated meditation) is a meditative discipline practitioners perform to calm the body and the mind, and be able to concentrate enough to experience insight into the nature of existence and thereby gain enlightenment.


    It’s very new for me…but I’m trying (while not deviating from my own religious affiliation which is very, very important to me).

    Much Love,

  83.  #83Femininewoman on November 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    “There is no “quick and easy” way out of this if you just wish it would change.

    Change, shift, transformation – what I call a “New Normal” and a new “Happiness Setpoint” requires work. Just not the kind of work we’re taught to associate with relationship.”

    Every time I read this I feel like peeing my pants

  84.  #84Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    My life feels like a rollercoaster with a lot of valleys and not so many high points right now..but I love it here and I have great friends, even though they get on with their own (married) lives a lot, that is how it is supposed to be.
    Last week I had two days of intense happiness, I mean really intense..and the weekend was lovely.
    I feel ungrateful, just because I am in a valley again..I’ll get out of it.

  85.  #85Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    I wish healing was easier. Nothing of value is easy to get. Period.

  86.  #86Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm


  87.  #87Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Mel: That sounds wonderful!

    Much Love,

  88.  #88ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Yes.You *can* feel a virtual hug
    I can feel my own energy

    At work my patients want to connect and touch .All the time.They draw from my energy.
    Okay i sound like a weirdo saying that, I know, but this is what it is like

  89.  #89ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    thanks mercedes
    Jeez, I have so much latent power and im not tapping into it at all

    I dont know about healing
    is it work, or is it just gentleness, takng care of yourself an time?
    I kind of feel it should not be hard work as such??

  90.  #90Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Every time one of my comments goes into moderation, it never comes back out….

    🙂 Oh well…It was a link to a picture of the correct posture and hand position. I recommend a google search to see what it looks like if you’re finding my description confusing (not to mention I left out what to do with your hands. lol)

    Much Love,

  91.  #91Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Thank you Ulii… 🙂
    No Ruth, you don’t sound like a weirdo..actually right there you sounded like someone who is very much in touch with her feelings and intuition…

  92.  #92ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Mercedes, are the hands just open palms up, set on the knees?

  93.  #93ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    thank you
    I am seen as a bit wierd, but they seem to like it

    I know what works with the patients, been in this game so long, but you have to just stay open and radiate calm and love and peace an let them do what they have to
    ha ha
    Why the fck I dont apply this to my personal life is anyones guess

  94.  #94Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Ruth…For me, it’s not hard work, it’s practice…just like here on Rori’s blog. I commit to practice twice per day every day. I try not to get too discouraged and I am gentle with myself. Beyond that, I take care of myself with very, very healthy (and always balanced) home cooked meals (usually…I do still love the occasional chili dog or pizza or…well…junk food in general – but J and I try to keep that kind of eating to one day per week. The rest of the week we are pretty careful). I drink lots of water, I exercise (although that did get lax over the summer…I’m better now)….and well…I’m open to it. I’m open to whatever amazing transformations happen inside of me. I stay true to my beliefs and values and I practice some more. And I don’t put myself down when I’m almost convinced this whole “wellness” thing isn’t for me. 🙂

    I’m just open to amazing changes inside of myself. That’s all really.

    I’m not sure the above is approved by those who practice it within their religion though…they might have MUCH better “rules” and ideas for getting there than I do.

    Much Love,

  95.  #95Tam on November 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    93..Ruth..the point is not ‘why’, the point is that you are able to….and you are aware…and you really do come across as such a lovely and amazing person. I wish you were kinder to yourself.
    As kind as you are to your patiens, or more.

    Failing that, get on the plane and come over to Miami for a weekend and we’ll have a whale of a time down on South Beach 😉

  96.  #96ruth on November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Sounds pretty good to me mercedes
    Think its fair to say I have a pretty toxic lifestyle
    I exercise a LOT and well, the eating is a bit all or nothing
    I am okay though-for now

  97.  #97Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Ruth: I put mine together, one on top of the other, palms up, thumbs touching. Make sort of a triangle and hold that triangle at my belly button (with the belly button in the center of the triangle).

    This hand posture helps to draw my breath focus all the way down to my belly (my center). When I breathe in, my belly goes out as I fill it with air (not exactly attractive but…important) and when I exhale, my belly tightens (but my shoulders always stay soft – not slouched, just not up or tense).

    Much Love,

  98.  #98Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Mercedes, you are funny. I have resisted commenting on your comments, because they trigger me to death, but actually, I like you. You seem very vibrant and passionate.
    But you are really rubbing all the perfectness into everyone’s face…I mean, really…but I do feel smiley about it too.
    You are undoubtedly a lovely woman, but boy… 😉

  99.  #99Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Tam: I just want to help people meditate right now.

  100.  #100ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    AW tam

    Would really love to meet you for real
    Its weird though
    I KNOW how to open up, get the best out of people, anyway.i do it at work all the time.Yesterday i had a very frightened 80 year old lady hug me .she was a new patient and so firghtened.we ddint get to the bottom of it all unti i had heard her life history.So.If i can communicate with patients like this(in retropsect I used all thr rori tools but it swhat i do at work to get the patients to open up——always done it this way)
    well, why the hell dont I apply that in my personal life

  101.  #101MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Mmmm that zazen sounds perfect for me. Gonna look that up. Though, I felt confusion at the word “concentration”. I’ll have to read about it and see what it means. When I zone, it’s just like a lack of any focus or concentration at all and sometimes it’s like a cork pops open on the top of my head and all these amazing epiphanies pour in and fill me up.

  102.  #102ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    I know that posture too mercedes thank you

  103.  #103Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Mercedes, I don’t mean just those..I mean all of them….like ‘we don’t eat junk food etc’…it’s just cracking me up, sorry. I mean, are you and J for real?
    I mean this in the nicest possible way, really, because I like reading it also…and ‘helping people’…I mean, ermmm….also a trigger…again because we all need help except for you?
    I dunno. I just feel amused, and as long as I don’t take it too seriously, I am fine.
    Else, it’s a triggerfest.

  104.  #104Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    🙂 Ruth: I’m glad it made sense. LOL I was trying to get the words to come out right and it wasn’t happening. haha!

    I’m out for the night unless I have time to write a post later…have a lot to do first! Take care everyone and I’ll be excited to read about your meditation experiences. YAY! Again…you made me SOOO Smiley today!

    Much Love,

  105.  #105ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Mis stix, its not really concentration
    That feels hard
    its kind of just ignoring the outside stuff and jusr=t gently bringing the focus back to the meditation

    its a gentle process

  106.  #106Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Ruth, I am sure you can apply it to your personal life…it’s just so much harder..and I feel the same, believe me. I worked in care type jobs and found it so easy to be authentic and soft and open with other women..and when it comes to men or my private life, I get perceived as a cold fish because I clam up.
    English CD already called me ‘guarded’ and it’s true.
    I am just afraid to show the real me.
    And the most odd thing is that I no longer felt afraid to show the real me to MrP, and he ran…it’s making me sad because it takes me forever to get to that stage. Sigh.

  107.  #107ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    If you lot saw what i ate

  108.  #108Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    But I do thank him for getting me to that stage actually, because I will never forget the words :
    ‘you are secretive’ and suddenly, the last 15 years of my life and my emotional unavailability and inauthenticity came crashing on me. And apart from anything else, this was the sentence that opened my eyes….as soooooo many men had called me cold or guarded or secretive and I never made the connection because I believed, truly believed that I was warm and an open book….OMG, I had the biggest epiphany.
    And ever since then (June), I have learnt more about myself than I learnt in 36 years.

  109.  #109ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    yes,its weird that I cant tam
    because i aready KNOW what it takes to get people to open up
    Rori put words to it, but it is waht i do at work

    I learned this all on my own
    I NEED my patients to open up so I can treat them

  110.  #110Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    ..I just wish it wasn’t so painful…and I wish I had the support of a man I loved, or my family, but they all have their own issues that are overwhelming them and because I was always ‘ok’, they think I will be…and that I don’t need support. Because I was always strong. That sucks 🙁

  111.  #111ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I do mean really open up
    lots are not taking their meds and I need to kno why, so it has to be totally non judgmethal communication

  112.  #112ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Wel tam

    sometimes it is okay not to be strong

    Just sayin

  113.  #113MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Thanks ruth!

    I am feeling glad this came up today and looking forward to adding something new to my list of “stuff I do to feel good”. 🙂

  114.  #114Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Mercedes, I had a meditation teacher who taught me to label all thoughts as “thinking,” whether good or bad.

    It’s a shortcut from “thank you for that thought, i’ll get back to it later blah blah”

    just label it and watch it drift awayyyyy

    eeee i can’t wait to go home.

  115.  #115Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Tam: We follow the Body For Life plan and have for about four years now together (two years before that for me). We’ve taken time off in the past (particularly summers – see my comment about getting lax with exercise in the summer). You can read up on it. It’s an extreme diet and exercise program that goes in 12 week increments. It’s a solid 6 days with a free day (which is when we eat the junk that we love so much). It’s sponsored by Men’s Health I think (I’m pretty sure that’s where I originally read about it).

    You can take it seriously or not, but understand that J and I take our relationship and our lives very, very seriously. We drink alcohol and we smoke cigarettes (quit together once and he’s ready to try again after the holidays), so it’s important to us that we take care of ourselves in other ways. We’d like to live a long time.

    I’m a bit amused that all that triggers you….I would think most people would find it kind of cool that we care about ourselves and each other so much. I’m wondering…if, in your mind, the perfect relationship does not exist for me (which would also mean the perfect relationship does not exist for YOU either)…why are you here? You asked me that before and now it’s my turn. Why, if you don’t believe you can really have the relationship you want (and that I can’t either)…why would you read Rori’s blog? Makes no sense to me.

    Probably would be helpful if you didn’t comment on my posts now that I know you’re making fun of me when you read them. Looks like you and I could be triggering each other for a long time to come if we read and comment on the posts here.

    Oh well…I don’t think you can actually damper my happiness today…I have women in my life on a mission to meditate and visualize their way to confidence and happiness and I’m grateful to be a part of it!!!

    SMILES!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Now…I really am out for the night unless I find time later.

    Much Love,

  116.  #116Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    I don’t eat junk food either….

    wanna fight?

  117.  #117Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I quit smoking, I can help anyone do that!

    yay i can help people!

  118.  #118MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I had chocolate cake with gonache for breakfast, and a sensible tuna sandwich and soup for lunch but then I dug into the bag of “Munchies” 🙂

    ok…This is so not an average day, but it’s funny this came up on a one of my “cake for breaky” days!

  119.  #119ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Okay well, i really should hit the hay
    it is late here
    so want to stay and chat, been a good vibe on here lately
    I am going to do the meditation thing
    ust for five minutes once a day
    and i am going to visualise energy for me

  120.  #120ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    oh no more posts!

    Um, six days and one free day?
    Sounds like the 80.20 rule

    Glad I never smoked ever(cos id never be able to quit)
    But i drink like the proverbial fishie

  121.  #121Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Yep, no junk food, no cigs, no caffeine, barely any alcohol (maybe 1x a month), lots of exercise, no meat, loads of raw fruits and veggies

    yep, i’m crazy 😀

  122.  #122Annie on November 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Oh Boy, when really leaning, and taking a step back as an observer, it feels heartbreaking facing the reality staring back at you.
    I can so understand why someone would chose not to do this and keep living in fantasy land and not want to face up to it and face the pain of the realty.

  123.  #123Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Ruth, I know..I just feel sad that there is nobody to lean on other than myself, it’s kind of how it has always been….and it feels sad.

  124.  #124Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Starla, I don’t eat junk food either..or smoke or drink excessively…so what?
    I don’t want to make those feel bad that do. And I am not going to judge because I had my amount of eating issues….
    Just saying….how inadequate it might make those feel who do not consider themselves as perfect…

  125.  #125Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    ..what I mean is I don’t fel the need to rub things into people’s faces, just because I do them. It’s got a ‘holier than thou’ thing

  126.  #126ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Big hugs to you Tam

  127.  #127Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Mercedes, I’m in for the meditation for 30 days idea!

    I am doing deepak’s 21 days to abundance right now which ends in about a week. They are short about five minutes of actual meditation. Today I extended it and would like to do more…

    It sounds fun for a group of sirens to be doing it. Great ideas and love your enthusiasm about it!


  128.  #128ruth on November 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I shall take my toxic bad ass self to bed;)

  129.  #129Annie on November 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    123: Tam says:

    “Ruth, I know..I just feel sad that there is nobody to lean on other than myself, it’s kind of how it has always been….and it feels sad.”

    I feel synchronized with you when I face this reality.
    The only person that is really there for me at the end of the day is me.
    No one else can save me. Only me.

  130.  #130MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    (((ruth))) nighty night xxx <3

  131.  #131Annie on November 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    And that thought feels pretty damn scary.

  132.  #132MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm


    I dunno what mercedes is bringing up for you, but I actually want to thank you for bringing this up. Ugh. I know I do this myself sometimes. I want to love this about myself. I do come from what I see as a god place. I feel so dam excited about things feeling right for me that I just want to shout it out!

  133.  #133Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    “how inadequate it might make those feel who do not consider themselves as perfect”

    hmmmm i have a hunch this is NOT my responsibility.

    I don’t think of it as rubbing in at all. I think of it as being honest and enthusiastic about one’s lifestyle. And if that triggers someone, that’s really not my fault.

  134.  #134MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    *good* not god.

    LOL a “god” place 😉 ohhhh sometimes typo’s are hilariously appropriate.

  135.  #135Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    i mean, i feel pretty inadequate when women come here posting their romance success stories. But that’s not their fault. I just FEEL inadequate, because I’m triggered by my own imperfection.

    I’m not going to tell anyone they should quit rubbing it in.

    maybe i’m missing something

  136.  #136MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    I am so coming from that god place.

    I’m cracking myself up 🙂

    Probably only myself. Yes! hehe

  137.  #137Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Thank you Annie and Ruth….I just resonate with a lot of your posts also, feels like we are virtual sisters 😉

  138.  #138Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm


    I also feel that way at times as you and Tam are saying. Although even if someone is there, I feel like that I am the only one who can save myself.

    Also, just wanted to say that your earlier posts on the other thread describing some circumstances where you used feeling messages and they had a good effect on your interactions were really helpful to read.

    And, I know how hard it is for me at times making some of those types of changes. I feel like I should have learned some of these skills long ago. However, I feel so grateful for learning them now! And I feel so blessed that you and others share your experiences here!

  139.  #139Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    135, Starla, well I am because I am free to say what I like and actually, I do not know a single person who has the perfect relationship, so if something smells inauthentic to me, it just does.
    It feels inauthentic, it just does…so if it doesn’t to you or anyone else, should I care? No
    And I truly have a role model for the perfect relationship, and even she will admit that they struggle occasionally – I mean, even Rori does..lol..so I am not made to feel inadequate by what smells totally inauthentic to me.
    Sorry 😉

  140.  #140MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Meh, ladies, seriously. Perfection is highly overrated and doesn’t exist anyways.

    Nothing would exist at ALL if perfection existed. The Universe is a glorious, imperfect, violent, beautiful mess.

    Going against imperfection goes against our very existance.

  141.  #141Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Starbright…I feel heard. And you are so on the right way..and I am so happy to have this place to support each other 🙂

  142.  #142Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I felt super alone with both parents abandoning me by the time I was a teenager and no family to turn to and being an only child

    and then one day everything changed. I stopped feeling sorry for myself or like a victim of circumstance. then my friends started treating me like family, and I felt amazing. And THEN my family came around, apologizing sincerely for never being there for me, and vowing to make up for it for the rest of their lives. They took me on a tropical cruise vacation, and it was beautiful.

    ohhh i feel so full of love.

  143.  #143Popsicletoes53 on November 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Great subject… guilty here as charged.. and I have a slip fairly often. I guess my biggest growth area is that I have learned, thanks to Rori, what to do about a slip.. and I have a plan.. which to me is half the battle.

    Am feeling bummed out tonight… I text a guy I was really interested in whom I met on a dating site.. he is some distance from me.. and as I observe his calling habits… it just seems like the pattern is of a man who has a significant other.. either a wife, fiance, girlfriend.. female roomate.. or a friend with benefits.. and he is hiding the fact he is talking on the phone to me. I feel like his fantasy but not his reality..

    I sent him a text about it since I am unable to talk to him.. hey.. it just hit me.. I am unable to talk to him… he won’t call me back… duh… he says he will call but doesn’t… duh…

    Well I think I got my answer girls… hahahah rolf… ok… NEXT…

    This blog is great…

  144.  #144Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    139 tam

    i must really be missing something. why are you apologizing to me? and why are you smiling about it?


    maybe this is stylistic stuff and i’m too ‘stupid” to realize it but i’m having a hard time connecting to what you’re saying cuz i’m not sure what your authentic point is here. but if you’re actually sorry and not being sarcastic, there’s no need to be sorry. I have mucho love for you!

  145.  #145Starla on November 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    popsicle toes, you have the best name of all time

  146.  #146MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm



  147.  #147Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Starla, I have seen many ‘perfect’ relationships..and ‘perfect marriages’….where the guy was shagging someone else for 10 years, or suddenly after 20 years of marriage the ‘perfectness’ is gone and turns out they just stayed together for something esle, codependence, need, kids, money.
    From my limited life experience, working with women, couples, meeting many thousands of people and working with a psychologist dealing with conflict resolution in marriages:
    it’s a big delusion.
    Sorry, but I just see that the only relationships that thrive are the ones that admit their problems…and they all have them.
    I had a beautiful 5 year relationship with a great guy…was it perfect? OMG no way!! But we resolved our differences, and sometimes we would not talk for a couple of days and we would be upset and everyone knew…that is life.
    It’s just inauthentic to strive for something that isn’t real. Perfection isn’t real.

  148.  #148Tam on November 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Starla, I am not apologising…I am just a British German…we are ever so polite. 😉

  149.  #149Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    It was already more than two weeks ago I poured my heart out to my ex M. But the heavyness I feel about it has hit me today.

    I told him I still loved him. I told him I believe we could be happy together again. I told him we could have a love elevated to another level, where we have gone through hard times and could still love eachother accepting the shortcomings we have. I told him this is how I felt and what I want…and that I would be happy to know what he thinks and if he could possibly feel the same.

    He basically told me NO. He looked moved by my talk, and took my hand into his (we were in a coffe-shop and more people were around)… But said things like…”Why you tell me this now?” “I´m already a bit attached to this other girl” (with whom he claims he is not happy with)…”I have already get used to being without you in my life.”.. He might still think about it, but it was a no nevertheless. And he seemed like he always is…forever doubting.

    And these past two weeks he has been calling few times to know how I am doing, and telling some everyday chat. But I feel him moving away emotionally. And I knowI have to accept it. And I feel so sad.

    I felt good about having spoken, as I felt I have to do it, I have to pass the information.. and make the “last attempt”.

    But today I saw him again, we had more people around. And though he is friendly, he was so far emotionally, and it hurts.

    Some nights I have something similar to panic attacs, where I cry, cry and feel it hard to breathe. Memories of us together running as a film in my head and the same time I feel the hopelessness of “It can never be for us anymore, it´s really over…” And the feeling of loss is so painful,like real cramps in my stomach.

  150.  #150Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Aw, thank you! I feel super smiley! And I so see you growing! Your willingness to share yourself is refreshing! It is all exciting and feels super supportive here!

  151.  #151Starla on November 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    i am so confused still. why are you apologizing to me? and why are you arguing with me about perfection in relationships?

    i feel lost and like i got off at the wrong train stop. i actually feel kind of suspicious, like you’re out for an argument, and i’m the closest thing available for such right now.

    i dunno. i’m just lost now. i never said perfection was real.

    i feel very triggered when people put words in my mouth directly or by ‘arguing’ against things i didn’t say.

    it lacks intellectual integrity.

    the last time i said that here, though, someone (i forget who) launched into several comments about how *i* have no integrity. it felt pretty amazing, in a bad way.

    i feel triggered and like crying now:(

    oh nooooooooooooooooooooo

    i just want a hug now

    wow my mood changed

  152.  #152Starla on November 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    148 tam


    i get it, miss polite:)

    i feel like a light bulb turned on:D

    thanks for explaining!

  153.  #153Starbright on November 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm


  154.  #154Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    not sarcastic at all, at all, just a way of communicating…ask the Brits

  155.  #155Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    Starla..love ya xoxo

  156.  #156Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Oh no. MrP just ‘liked’ a pic I posted on a common friend’s fb page. Sometimes I really do want closure, but actually, I feel warm and smiley about this..

  157.  #157Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    ((Starla)) I am sorry if you feel like I put words into your mouth….oh crikey, that really wasn’t my intention at all.
    I feel sad.
    I feel like wanting to lift you up instead of making you cry!

  158.  #158Janie Baby on November 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Mercedes, I like your advice here. Do you have a blog with advice?

  159.  #159Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Ulii..I read your stuff on Siren Island..you have no idea how excited I feel for you right now 🙂

  160.  #160Starla on November 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Tam, the love you sent me actually totally lifted me up:)

    haha up and down my emotions go

    Thank you:)

  161.  #161Starla on November 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm


  162.  #162Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    And I know this is quite anti what we are supposed to be learning here.

    But when I read the Rori e-book, it stuck with me, that..in a relationship there must be a partner who is mainly in his masculine and another who is mainly in her feminine, but it can happen that it´s not the same as the biological gender.

    So my doubt has always been, that maybe I am meant to be that masculine energy partner. I don´t want it, I fight the idea, feminine indecisive guys make me feel irritated the best, and creepy the worst. But it is easy for me to attract the feminine guys, and so hard with the masculine guys…as my urge is to fight them and I end up disrespecting them somehow..or making them angry and turned off. I am so used to be in my masculine. And I’m so used to stuffing down my feelings (often it’s even hard to identify them), and I find it really challenging to express them. I have been told I’m cold and feelingless so many times. I feel hurt to hear that, but it still seems impossible sometimes to be more vulnerable and open. I feel like I´m pretending often….and I´m not myself. And I feel they have been right about me. Sometimes I think maybe I should just accept that it’s my fate.

    So taking the lead when talking to my ex…was acting out on that presumption. It was like accepting my strenght and masculine side. And that maybe by doing that I would be more authentic.

    But it didn´t work anyhow.

    (I have felt related to April Rose when talking about WG. But I have yet to find my femininity, if it exists.)

  163.  #163Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Ohh…thanks for the hugs

    Starbright & Starla

    feels really good to receive them!

    And thanks Tam, I feel glad you feel excited.. Actually it´s like parallel lives, I write all positive stuff in FB while getting all negative here on the blog. But these things exist in me simultaneously.

    But I just feel the need to get it all out tonight.

  164.  #164Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Tam – Mercedes is totally for real and one of my closest friends though we’ve only met in person once on my cross country drive though it was an entire day of BEing together.

    Her relationship is real too, as real as mine. 🙂


  165.  #165Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Ulii, wow, yes, I often wasn’t sure whether I was meant to be feminine or masculine partner….but now, I just feel more comfortable to just be and let someone else do the planning, organising etc…now I want to be the feminine partner….when I was in my 20’s, I was the masculine – but it jarred with me.
    I know that now.
    I did not know that then.

  166.  #166Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Tam – 108 – Are you/were you shy or timid? This can come across as coldness or aloofness even superiority. I used to be like this and was labeled all of these things.


  167.  #167Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Dominique..I don’t dispute that, but I feel ick at people wanting to ‘convince’ me that their relationship is real…actually. I had ‘real’ relationships too and feel like I should be justifying that…and I can’t be bothered 😉
    Just it feels inauthentic to me and I am allowed to feel what I feel.

  168.  #168Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    I am very shy, painfully so, but have developed a big mouth/clown personality to cover it up…so nobody realises this but trying to change that…yes, Dominique.
    This is why it is hard for me to open up, particularly to men and one I managed to do it, I feel kind of bonded to them..weird.

  169.  #169Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Once someone told me I had a cold heart..wow, that hurt like hell. I have anything but.

  170.  #170Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Miss M – 115 – Okay I know you’re on the road, but hopefully you will see this tomorrow. I didn’t see an iota of mocking or making fun on Tam’s part. I saw more incredulity, as in can someone really have a great relationship like you talk about? Can you reread her comments in this light, and see what you see?


  171.  #171Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    So I have one more to the sad side.

    My grandmother is not very well these days. She has quite some health problems, but actually she has been better than the average at that age. But she has also been quite complaining and negative all her life about her health, and she has been talking of herself dying and not wanting to be a burden since I can remember. So it has been something considered so much part of her that maybe we even didn´t notice it lately anymore.

    But she has been a widow living on her own for last year and a half, although the family visits her often. But obviously this has not been enough as she probably had been feeling too lonely in spite of that.

    And last week he tried to kill herself by taking way too many sleeping pills.

    It didn´t work out, she was still alive, although unconscious when her sister (who she had convinced to help her to go there in the morning to clean & dress her) got there and found her lying on the floor. The sister called my uncle who later called the ambulance, and lucyly they were able to recover her in the hospital. Later she was sent to the psychiatric hospital where they send the people who have attempted suicide. And she will have to stay there at least until Christmas…

    I got to know this all today from my father.

    And I have hard time identifying my feelings. I feel numb about it. I feel a bit angry at her for not considering all the fuss it creates and also for being ignorant about how this can legally affect her sister (helping people to die is not legal in my country). And I feel so sorry for her too. I imagine how hard it must be being old, with fragile health and alone most of the time. I want to go to be with her. But I can not. And I feel guilty, because I was suggested to go to live with her last year when I was back at my homeland, and I didn´t want to, because I found that to be with her and around her negativity would be too draining for me. And judge myself as selfish for that. Now I could go to live with her, I think, feeling authentically concerned and wanting to make her life more positive. Or I might be offering myself as I feel it´s expected from me? I feel confused about this.

  172.  #172MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 4:50 pm


    I can feel your pain… In the moments back then I could have sworn it was a piece of me dying. But in this moment it only feels like echos of feelings and memories.

  173.  #173Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Thanks Dominique, yeah, I felt totally misunderstood by Mercedes hence I did not want to comment anymore. I was in a lighthearted mood and now I am in a dark mood. So really no more comment from me on that one.

  174.  #174Tam on November 20, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    And just for the record, if anyone thinks they have the perfect relationship, I feel totally happy for them…just that I have not seen it even amongst the people who have ‘the perfect relationship’..when I talk to them authentically, they will always say ‘it’s not perfect, we need to work at this, he/she did such and such’ …soooooo..well, that doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t beautiful and meant to be and meant to be forever..I just feel nauseous at hearing the Disney version of real life, and thinking how much unhappiness this must trigger in people who start feeling inadequate because they don’t consider their relationship as perfect….even though it is actually a good, solid relationship – just sayin.

  175.  #175Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Tam – 139 – Miss M has said repeatedly that this is the perfect relationship for her, not that it’s perfect. They have blips just as K and I have blips though our blips though our blips are the tiniest nothings which last for practically nothing amounts of time. And they are always stemming from frustration in other areas of our lives, for K it’s work, for me it’s my personal growth occasional struggles. I can say honestly that there have been raised voices between us less than a handful of times in ten years, and the disconnect caused by them has reconnected in mere minutes. I may carry residue of icky feelings longer, but K lets it all go immediately, something men can do brilliantly.

    I know where Miss M has her blips, but it’s not for me to say what they. I will say her relationship is similar to mine.

    It’s possible to have an easy, free flowing relationship, it is. I have one, and the more I look for them, the more of them I see.


  176.  #176Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Oh Tam, huge hugs. I can so feel this pain of being called cold when you know you’re anything but. You’ve grown SO much in the short time I’ve known you, so YAY you. Your realness and authenticity is shining more brightly all the time.

    Sending you love.


  177.  #177Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    @ Tam

    Oh, I feel so related!

    I am painfully shy too and am covering it up by different ways…from drama queen to clown to cold turkey&poker face.

    And I come across cold, aloof or even superior sometimes…as Dominique puts it.

    Often I feel like in a prison inside myself. My cover does not let my real self out. And sometimes I even don´t find that real self even if I´m looking.

  178.  #178Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    I don’t know what perfect means. I feel far from perfect, again whatever this is or looks like, so how can a relationship be perfect. BUT we can find the man who is perfect for us, the one who challenges us to grow and blossom even more. Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. I have found this to be SO true. So it’s not the relationship which is difficult, it’s the healing of self, the work on self.


  179.  #179Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    And…I know you’re anything but cold.


  180.  #180Dominique on November 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Ulii – It’s a process, and whoever you really are in there can and will be shift and change all the time. Allow her to be who she is, and stop “trying”to find her. She’s already there. I see her all the time here and on FB.


  181.  #181Annie on November 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Part of me does not want to get involved and part of me feels compelled to.

    Here goes I am choosing the latter.

    As an observer.

    Mercedes says
    “Probably would be helpful if you didn’t comment on my posts now that I know you’re making fun of me when you read them.”

    170: Dominiquesays:

    “Miss M – 115 – Okay I know you’re on the road, but hopefully you will see this tomorrow. I didn’t see an iota of mocking or making fun on Tam’s part. I saw more incredulity, as in can someone really have a great relationship like you talk about? Can you reread her comments in this light, and see what you see?


    It feels irrelevant to me if Tam was mocking or making fun, teasing having a light hearted joke.

    I do not know for sure how Mercedes felt as she didn’t say. But translated to me it appears she ‘making fun’ translates to feeling teased.

    She felt what she felt and obviously didn’t like it.

    Tam, I feel curious how does it make you feel when people say they have a perfect relationship?

    And I just want to send you both hugs and healing from the triggers this is bringing up for both of you.

  182.  #182Annie on November 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    I see you already answered how it makes you feel Tam, before I finished posted.

    Nauseous and not really real as in disney . TY, Tam.

  183.  #183k2012 on November 20, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I have not yet completed the original post but so far I was surprised that it was on the same topic that I have a question for. i have an important question and I would truly appreciate advice to help me understand circular dating more. When u circular date, do all of the men know u are dating someone else? do u tell them so they can know that u are not exclusive with them? I need to make sure I will do it the correct way.

  184.  #184Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    @ 172

    Miss Stix, thank you..
    Hugs back!

  185.  #185MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm


    When CDing you can be honest about keeping yourself open to other men until you find the type of comitted relationship you are looking for.

  186.  #186Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    @ 180 Dominique

    Wow…Your words feel so comforting & like healing to me. So many thanks! 🙂

  187.  #187Tam on November 20, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Thank you for your comments.
    Felt nice to read.

    And I don’t come on here teasing or mocking, so if anyone feels that way that is their stuff coming up. I am just trying to learn, grow and get over my little rough patch really.

  188.  #188MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Ideally you would express that in feeling scripts.

  189.  #189MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    There comes a time when a man will need to make you an offer if he wants your exclusivity, and you can negotiate and decide if that’s what you are looking for and if he is the right man for you.

  190.  #190sunlight on November 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Hi. Does anyone have experience dating Scandinavian (Northern European) men? It is defintely a culture where women take a more “equal” role in dating and sex. I am from the southern part of the U.S. (i.e. traditional expectations) and the man I am seeing is Scandinavian. We live in the U.S. Also, he is VERY introverted and shy. He is not naturally trusting. So this presents a challenge for me – for many reasons. I am now often (but not always) in a position where I feel like I am chasing him and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I know the difference between what is healthy and what is off balance? I do want a relationship with him.

  191.  #191Mercedes on November 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Dominique…I read the words “amused” and “as long as I don’t take your words too seriously” and “but oh boy… ;)” or something similar. It was enough. Lol.

    Thank you for being my friend! I truly love you!

    I’ll write more tomorrow. And will explain my blog to those who asked. Too hard to type from here.

  192.  #192Willow on November 20, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    SO I took care of myself today. And I felt much stronger for it. And when the BF asked me how I felt I said I feel ok. He asked if I felt better from yesterday. I said “Somewhat. My feelings and concerns haven’t gone away. But I choose to feel good right now.” He wasn’t sure what to say to that except “that’s good” but he was responsive when he got home. He didn’t come to me how I’d have hoped, but I accepted what he offered, told him it felt nice, and let him go when he walked away. I feel somewhat disappointed in HIM, but happy with MYSELF. And I can tolerate that.

    I told him in a happy-but-not-invested-in-his-thoughts way that Friday and Saturday *I* was taking a trip out to the Black Canyon and up to Crested Butte and asked him if he wanted to come along. He said yes, and suggested we stop at the hot springs on the way up and take his car because we won’t being going on the 4×4 trails and it’s more fuel efficient than my monster Jeep. Since I’m paying, I’ll be more than happy to use his car and not mine for our trip!

    Who knew being focused on yourself could be so good for you?

  193.  #193Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    @ 190 sunlight

    I have an experience of dating (shortly) a very introverted and shy Scandinavian guy who also had a severe alcohol problem. He intended to be very gentelman like with me. Buying me gifts and taking me to expensive outings. At the end I didn´t date him long because of the alcohol problem was out of hands, but what I understood from him was that he really loved this “old time” behaviour with women (as he called it)… he said the girls in his own country didn´t appreciate these gestures. Of course it´s all generalizations, but still can be said that the Scandinavian countries are quite pro womens rights and equality and I have personally seen Finnish girls making a scandal out of a man opening a door for her. So lots of men don´t feel even safe to do it.

  194.  #194Willow on November 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm


    I dated and lived with a Swede for a total of 3 years. He was VERY introverted and shy and it made me NUTS. We were young too, and I just couldn’t deal with it so I packed up and moved back to the States. I miss the culture, to tell you the truth. And his family was amazing.

    What are you particularly interested in knowing about Viking dudes?

  195.  #195Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    The same time…some might be used to and comfortable with women being really independent and strong…+ doing all the pursuing.

  196.  #196Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    @ Tam 187

    I never feel you as mocking or making fun of anybody. I just really take your style as British-German style of humour + you are really skillful with words. And I happen to like and enjoy that a lot. The same happens with SilverMB’s style. 🙂

    I guess…sometimes it’s about the different ways we have learnt to express ourselves. And some might feel triggered where there was no offence intended. But I personally love how you write.

  197.  #197sunlight on November 20, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Willow and Ulii – I know on a gut level that to some extent I am dealing with cultural differences here. I also can tell he is facinated by my feminine role. Willow – tell me all you know!!!!

  198.  #198Katarina Phang on November 20, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    Oops sorry, didn’t realize there is a new post. I reposted here:

    Brenda, thank you for helping me with the book and your kind words. I really hope that I can help as many women as possible -those women who are in your painful situation dealing with emotionally unavailable men or guys who go hot and cold or guys who say they are not ready or want to take it slow.

    I am currently in such relationship myself, the difference is it has been drama-free (or 99% drama-free) for the last 9 months with him consistently showing up and pursuing me.

    He isn’t particularly emotionally unavailable, in fact he wants to see me all the time. And he’s not seeing anyone else. He’s just not ready to call it a full-blown relationship. He’s on a crossroad and won’t label the relationship just yet but that doesn’t worry me because this relationship is FAR more functional than many well-labeled relationships out there. I know because I work with many women in dysfunctional relationships.

    He’s 8 years younger than me, never dated Asian women before ’cause we are not his type.

    Yet he’s hooked on me. Today alone he called me twice just to check in with me, tell me about his day and ask how my day went and about my work.

    So you will see that a man will stick around if he’s emotionally attracted to you. This emotional attraction is what inspires him to commit and marry you, not looks.

    I feel so…so…blessed. This is the most fulfilling relationship I have ever been. And one of the easiest. The other easy relationship was with my beta ex. And this guy is a typical masculine energy guy like 80% of guys out there. And it’s only possible because I changed so much about myself, on things that didn’t serve me or my relationship with men.

    My book is about a paradigm shift. You feel bedazzled reading it because you’ve been using an old broken paradigm that hasn’t been working for you.

    Please click my name for more detail.

  199.  #199Ulii on November 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Ok…I´m off to sleep tonight. I´m so happy this place exists. Love to you all!

  200.  #200Willow on November 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Sunlight, I will type up all my knowledge and insight as soon as I get a chance! 🙂 (Dinner is on…)

  201.  #201sunlight on November 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Thanks Willow. I look forward to it!

  202.  #202LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Hi Sirens! Posting here to avoid leaning forward. Exhale

  203.  #203LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Forgive me while I vent. I feel bloated with negative voices – I think HScd should experience pain and hurt like I did. That feels fair…. WHOA, that was ugly, that felt releasing to say and think, now I’m going to let it go. . . . . . breathing

  204.  #204LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    I forgive myself and allow me to get deep into the muck of this pit. I can envision him feeling the angst and quick stabbing pain I’ve experienced. And I feel satisfied with this – I don’t need to sooth him, h3ll, he doesn’t need any comfort. He should hurt. Feels good to release this ugliness, getting it outside of me.

  205.  #205LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    It has to be continuously 100% about me from this moment on. My thoughts should be about me, keep the focus on me ((((((HUGS LOVEALWAYS)))))))

  206.  #206LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Ohhhhh, I feel a lot of negative to release and let go. I’m gonna let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  207.  #207LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    He says he loves me but what good does that do for my pain? What does it heal? I feel horrible thinking this and feeling this and feeling horrible makes me feel weak in my stomach. I want to heal this

  208.  #208LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Feels my positive energy being attacked from inside by my brain.

  209.  #209Indigo on November 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Hey Daria 7

    I’m so glad this was helpful! It has helped me so much. And also to have compassion on myself for the way I feel during those times. Wow, I try to forgive myself immediately if I do lean forward and contact a guy, because I sometimes do this if the feelings get tumbley and intense inside me. Yay for healing and love.


  210.  #210LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    this is a really deeeep pit sirens. I’m going to feel this and get through it and get back on my bridge. This man jumps on my bridge and before both feet are on it he jumps back off. He hangs off the side of the bridge and jumps off. I’m leaning back and the other cds are just not stepping up, or maybe HScd is dominating. cdarmy asked me out for dinner again. Ahhhh, feels good to look forward to getting dressed up and going out.

  211.  #211LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    I was triggered by a man explaining to me there are only four types of men . . .

  212.  #212LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    fifty percent of men are hunters, constantly seeking out new women

    twenty five percent of men maintain relationships with at least two or three women at the same time

    fifteen percent of men will seek out another woman when there are hard times in his current relationship

    ten percent of men are completely totally faithful to the woman they are with.

    Yes, this triggered me badly

  213.  #213LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    I think I’m going to take a long warm shower and heal all of this gook oozing around in my energy

  214.  #214LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    I feel good about the warm water bathing me in healing steam

  215.  #215LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    I feel so weary of intense feelings and negative thoughts

  216.  #216LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    My energy has been stressed and needs smoothing out. I feel the stressed about my low positive energy.

  217.  #217LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    I want to reach the empty spot in my soul and fill it with love and caring and kindness so that it overflows and then I want to seal it up

  218.  #218LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Is this what misery feels like – the constant feeling of soooooo much sooooo much soooo much at the same time? This does not feel good. I don’t feel balanced and I want to be balanced in my mind and heart again. I’m all over the place. Darn-it. I felt I was doing so much better. It’s been 4 weeks now.

  219.  #219Marilyn on November 20, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    This is by far the best romance and relationship blog out there. Rori you are amazing. These tools have helped me tremendously. I was dating a man rather intensely. We were exclusive and had talked about it. I did continue to CD in every day life,kept my dating profile up. BUT I did not go on actual dates. I feel a real connection with this guy. and he feels same with me. The issue is that he is 6 months out of a horrible marriage. He told me he is not ready for a relationship. Of course it felt awful. But I realized my part in whole thing is that I put so much into my time with Ben that didnt have energy for other dates. So rather than cutting him off completely. I am doing the ROri 3rd way… Seeing him,yet dating others. I have so many lined up. Roris post from a few weeks ago about marriage and dating and having different lovers… I liked that post. So when I saw Ben tonight,of course it was ending with hug and kiss..and then back to my house. He was sweet and said he felt funny cause he doesnt want to hurt me.. and I said I feel good he cares about me. But that sex doesnt turn into a relationship.. And I feel that I am taking care of myself now. I can see him as I am dating other people….and it was like he didnt hear me say that..and had to ask, so you are dating other people. Yes,I am…!!!! As long as I stick with Rori and the girls I will stay on right track. I love this guy and I feel he loves me. But I am not waiting around for anyone!!!

  220.  #220k2012 on November 20, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Thank u so much MissStix.

  221.  #221LoveAlways on November 20, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Time to stop spamming the blog now. Will meditate after shower.


    Good night


  222.  #222Popsicletoes53 on November 20, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    some of you were discussing whether or not to tell the men you are seeing that you are circular dating… the only man I am seeing now does not know I am circular dating but he has stated that he doesn’t even know if he wants a committed relationship, i.e. marriage… so I shouldn’t have to tell him..

    Now I had an interesting reaction from a man I met online.. he is a continent away from me.. so there isn’t much interest there on my end… but when he asked me if I had some luck on the dating site I told him about the man I had started seeing and the one that I thought I might meet in the near future and it pissed him off.. he said “well I am a one woman man”… I said “I am a one man woman” but until they commit to me in a relationship that I want I will continue to look for that one man who wants what I want.. I thought it was funny…

    It seems that a lot of men.. and maybe even women want to consider things exclusive without asking for it.. they just assume it.. like this guy… I mean he is like clear across the country.. sheesh…

    Anyway thought it was interesting..

  223.  #223Popsicletoes53 on November 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Oh I forgot to add.. right before he left the chat box..he said “well I will leave you with your men”.. hahaha roflmbo.. thought that was very funny.

  224.  #224MissStix on November 20, 2012 at 9:42 pm


    Absolutely! Unless you are married or ina mutually comitted relationship you don’t have to tell anyone anything. But you absolutely can if you want! 🙂

  225.  #225Vi on November 20, 2012 at 9:49 pm


  226.  #226k2012 on November 20, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    But maybe its better to tell them to keep them on their toes so that they can basically compete for u. Men love competition. If they think they are the only one in your life they get complacent.

  227.  #227Goddess Lily on November 20, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    I went to see my work ex. So much happened tonight. I want to type it out while its fresh but i feel too drained. I’ll wait until tomorrow but by then the intensity will be gone and I will just feel sad. Just gonna cry until I fall asleep.

  228.  #228ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Miss stix, i am amazed that naughty typo did not land you right in moderation
    Tee hee

    well, I laughed anyway

    Morning ladies

  229.  #229ruth on November 20, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    Love always
    Greif is not a linear process and sometimes you do go backwards for a while, but you will heal eventually xxx

  230.  #230Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 12:10 am

    ((( Goddess Lily )))


  231.  #231Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 12:50 am

    Sirens? Wake up! 🙂

  232.  #232Sirenity on November 21, 2012 at 1:26 am

    I’m awake Radlove!
    Its 8.30 PM!

  233.  #233Sirenity on November 21, 2012 at 1:28 am

    Just had a little spontaneous unplanned birthday gig for my 18 year old with my mum and aunt ..they spoiled him rotten of course 🙂

    Made my night unexpectedly fun !

  234.  #234Sirenity on November 21, 2012 at 1:33 am


    I agree that lots of men seem very up front demanding that a woman sees only them till they “get to know each other” . i give these guys a wide berth or explain that i look forward to being exclusive with a good man in a committed relationship AFTER I get to know him.

    Seems like marking their territory, then deciding whether they want it or not..feels VERY bad to me.

    Also feels like putting the cart before the horse..impossible to move in any direction at all!

  235.  #235Daria on November 21, 2012 at 2:05 am

    wow i feel so good how i feel now that im home from 8 hour long CD

    and tomorrow im leaving for Hawaii before noon

  236.  #236Daria on November 21, 2012 at 2:17 am

    I’m starting to speak up more foot rubs. I’m gona get more . Starting to speak Moore. Feels awkward.

    I want to remember to ask for it in feeling messages

    Ouch in my chest

    I love my desires


    When I honor and worship them that will prequalify the men

    Yeah !


    Feels so thrilling to be home in my bed

  237.  #237Silver Moonbeam on November 21, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Targetting Mr Right

    Does anybody have these DVD’s?

    I do and have only time to watch one today and I would really like to do that, which DVD do you feel covers the most ground?

  238.  #238Linda on November 21, 2012 at 4:00 am

    i LOVE this post

    This is exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of again.

    I have been doing a bit of experimenting with my practicing and circular dating. I am trying to find the balance between using the tools and being me. Being totally leaned back, never contacting or intiating any type of rowing is impossible for me. It feels like I am putting on a straight jacket. THe tools here are invaulable. The knowledge of them has stopped the overfunctioning pattern in my life. I can feel the difference between, needing a man crack fix.. and just normal heathy “me functioning”. This is true conscious growth and progress in me!

    Being a carefree me in the midst of the tools. None of the men (except the clingy unhealthy needy man) I met this summer pursue all the time. Overall, I would say they move in spurts. I can not really “read” them. Just when I think.. or this feels like what I have experienced before, nothing is happening, or I think they are not interested … then pop back up on my radar and star rowing a bit. It is not consistent though.

    One of my CD’s fizzled out. I am totally not interested in him. His record is stuck. All he wants to talk about is how unfulfilling his marriage was and the two times we have actually met, I feel like he is interviewing for a possible opening , he may have for a girl friend. HAHA I totally am turned off an bored by him. Time was that I would have overfunctioned and tried to water his attention… THIS is where I have grown. Staying tuned into my feelings and staying centered in me in the presence of a man has been the single most VALUABLE thing I have learned here!

    There is so much more for me to practice and get good at doing… baby steps yeah!

  239.  #239Tam on November 21, 2012 at 4:15 am

    (((love always)))
    Urgh. Was in a bit of a pit last night. This morning I don’t even get triggered by people who get triggered by me and need to explain themselves…feels so lame compared to the other, real stuff I am going through.
    I can feel my life shifting and somehow I have immense growing pains…I feel lonely and needy and like I would need to sit with someone who holds my hand and talks to me…like 24/7 right now.

    I feel in need of a babysitter. Am I reliving my childhood? I never had much attention, and later on in life I prided myself at not needing any…I was always that gf other men were kind of jealous of….never clingy, let her man do what he wanted…I never needed much attention – but I built up resentment, and perhaps I thought that I wasn’t good enough to ‘ask’ for things, time, help, whatever.

    I feel a lack of friends although I have a handful here….and I want to say to MrP ‘ok, I don’t care that we can’t be lovers…but why can’t we be friends?’…and I know that we will eventually, but not now.

    I signed up for a whole lot of meetup groups but can hardly ever go, without a car…hmmm.

    I am contemplating going back on internet dating just for something to do. Meh.

    I feel flat and kind of peeved off that I got reminded how much fun it can be to spend time with someone who is on the same wavelength…but no point in rehashing everything, need to move forward. Wish I had more energy for that.

  240.  #240Vi on November 21, 2012 at 4:30 am

    I feel peaceful. I feel relaxed.

  241.  #241Tam on November 21, 2012 at 4:34 am

    I feel overwhelmed at making a new internet dating profile, and overwhelmed when thinking about dating….

  242.  #242Butterfly Wings on November 21, 2012 at 5:11 am

    TH just offered me the relationship I want. He said that he would give me what I want, what I’ve been asking for, if I give things another chance with him…

    Now I just feel confused… :-\

  243.  #243Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:14 am

    So BW, what would be the change? What has he offered you?

  244.  #244Butterfly Wings on November 21, 2012 at 5:17 am

    He’s offered me EXACTLY what I want. But now I’m not sure I even want it.

    One part of me is thrilled, the other is scared.

  245.  #245Vi on November 21, 2012 at 5:22 am

    My beauty routine feels amazing. I feel connected with my body self. I feel loved and taken care of. I feel a safe place. And I feel afraid of being so loving to me too. It feels like a line between my brows and squeezed booty cheeks. I love this frowny feeling on my face. I love the line between my brows. Ilove the squeezy feeling. I love my fear. I love myself through this fear and all other feelings. I love tension in my knees. I am sending lots of love and support to myself while I feel all this. Hehe I feel warm and smiley! I feel happy to have my support! I feel encouraged.

  246.  #246Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 5:22 am

    I woke up crying. 🙁

  247.  #247Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:23 am

    BW, that;s normal, I would feel exactly the same but:
    you can take it one step at a time.
    You love him, don’t you?
    It’s worth the risk. I’d go for it. Oooh, this stirred up all kinds of emotions in me…. 🙁

  248.  #248Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Goddess Lily….big hugs. I didn’t, but now I am thanks to BW’s story 😉

  249.  #249Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Thanks BW, now I can’t concentrate on work and want to open a bottle of champagne…ha!

  250.  #250Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Oh, and I feel bummed and hopeless, because in my situation – it would never happen. Maybe when h*ll freezes over. So sad.

  251.  #251Butterfly Wings on November 21, 2012 at 5:29 am

    (((Tam))) thank you. I do love him, but I love me more. So I need to decide if this will be the best thing for me…

  252.  #252Butterfly Wings on November 21, 2012 at 5:30 am

    And Mercedes, this brings me to your situation. I know it’s a lot different to what happened to mine and probably a lot worse, and I see now that you’ve worked through it and you’re blissfully happy.

    Your story gives me hope…

  253.  #253Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:38 am

    250..wow BW…feels so great to read!!!! Yes!!!!

  254.  #254Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 5:45 am

    My work ex invited me over last night last night. I debated on going because I really want to go out on a real date so I didn’t want to get into a habit of accepting just hanging out at our houses. Because I didn’t immediately say yes, he did ask me what the problem was and I had an opportunity to express feelings about going on a date. He said I could just ask him whenever I want to go and then there I was giving the same chasing/not romantic speech to him that I gave to ProfCD. All this would’ve been fine if this is where the night ended, I stayed total siren up to that point.

    Then he backtracks to the last time we had a confusing conversation and brings it all back. The one where he jumped from serious topic to serious topic and then “forgot” he said anything the next day.

    He initiated this whole conversation. He talks in riddles (now I know what people mean when they say I do that) so I can’t really go through the story how it happened but to summarize:

    -He doesn’t see the person he’s supposed to be with for life in his future (we later came back to this because all I heard was that it won’t be me and he clarified that he means he thinks whoever he is supposed to be with he has already met)

    -He seems to think a relationship is just going to happen. He doesn’t want to force anything. I can’t understand this one.

    -He says I’m everything. 11 out of 10. He loves me. He’s attracted to me. I’m his confidant.

    -IF we don’t end up together, he wants to be able to approve of anyone I date from now on. I wanted to scream at him YOU HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OF THAT “IF” but I didn’t. Although that’s sweet, it makes me feel sick like he’s already counting himself out. He’s tired of seeing me with people he believes are less than me.

    -He brought up again his fear of not being able to have kids because of all smoking and drinking, etc he’s done.

  255.  #255Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 5:51 am

    I don’t know how to stay open to him while dating other people. I just want to shut him out and move on. But I’ve already tried that (twice) and I can’t help thinking that if I had stayed open to him this last year instead of jumping in a relationship with a man who appeared to give me everything he was lacking, maybe we would be in a different place. Because in his mind, he was trying, and when I look back and see it how he saw it, I understand what he means.

  256.  #256Tam on November 21, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Goddess Lily, I also feel confused when I read what you write.
    Actually, I feel confused about men who can’t offer me the commitment I want and deserve and then get really jealous and crazy when they realise I am in contact with other men.
    It just doesn’t make any sense…at all?

  257.  #257Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 5:57 am

    HOW DO I STAY OPEN? When I think about it, I start crying again. I don’t know what is left for him to figure out. If I’m his “one” why doesn’t he know and act on it. I’ve never felt so comfortable and free to be myself with anyone else. I’ve never had so much fun just doing nothing with anyone. It’s taken me years and 3 failed relationships to figure this out. WHY CAN’T HE FIGURE IT OUT?

  258.  #258Tam on November 21, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Goddess Lily, he may he may not….but I have the same problem with ‘staying open’ when I just want to run and have closure….totally get that.
    It’s difficult….

  259.  #259Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 6:02 am


    My guy is prepared to be jealous now. He just accepts it. He doesn’t DO anything about it. He already had his “crazy” moment 3 years ago when he saw me dancing with someone else right after we broke up. I later ended up dating that guy for 6 months but in that moment he couldn’t have known that. The bouncers at the club where that happened STILL remember us. But since then he just accepts that I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do. I feel like he won’t be inspired to make any real commitment. Is this a limiting belief or reality based on facts?

  260.  #260Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 6:07 am

    My vibe is no longer needy. I’m no longer feeling insecure. These are big sweeping changes that I’ve had over the last however long it’s been. But how do I change my vibe away from fearfully hopeful without giving up entirely?

  261.  #261k2012 on November 21, 2012 at 6:14 am

    Tam, some of these men are too out of order. They can’t give u commitment and get jealous when u date other people. Who the hell they think they are. I am sitting down here right waiting on someone and I am just thinking that in my next relationship I will say when I meet the man that “I am searching for the right man and I will continue to search until the right one decides he wants a serious relationship with me.” I won’t use the word marriage as I don’t want to scare any of them away cause u know some men. Lol. The minute u use the word marriage too early, they start panic and wonder, “she is talking about marriage already?

  262.  #262Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 6:19 am

    BW what about the vacation he just went on with that girl? I would sink into that confusion and take my time going through it before accepting what he is offering. If he is invested I would feel confident in taking my power back.

  263.  #263LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Thank you for the hug Tam 🙂 I needed that.

    I love what you said about “I got reminded how much fun it can be to spend time with someone who is on the same wavelength…but no point in rehashing everything, need to move forward. ” That really hit home for me and feels so good to consider

  264.  #264LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Ruth – It feels relieving to consider it’s a backward motion when I’m experiencing those feels. It feels scary, but your comment makes me feel comfort. Thank you so much

  265.  #265LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 6:22 am


    Thanks for the hug 🙂 I’m a bit of siren mess lately

  266.  #266Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Happy Thanksgiving, Eve . . . Sirens!!!

  267.  #267Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Alright the horrible feeling is over but I still feel confused about how to stay open to him.

  268.  #268k2012 on November 21, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Some men are something else. Just wanted to share with other ladies that one of my ex-boyfriends who I left 20 years ago has been trying ever since to get me back. When we were involved he was married in the beginning after which he separated from his wife some years later. He was taking mighty long to file for divorce and at times, I think he became complacent and I left him. He got the divorce 6 years after I left him. By that time I had other relationships after him, although I wasn’t involved with anyone at that time. He however was in a relationship and tried to get me back two times during that period. Almost caught me but I kept him off. He has now remarried to the girlfriend he got involved with after we broke up. And is trying to get me back. He paid me a surprise visit at work. Inviting me out. Told him no as he has remarried and is therefore out of the loop as I want a single man. We had lost touch for many years and he found me. I told him in abpout september that I was just recovering from a breaklup. Ladies, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, I am getting involved with him. That’s a dead end street. Have n time to waste. He says I must keep in touch with him. I won’t. Have no time to waste with people’s husband. I am a christian and by God”s grace, I am going to liove a christian life. Even if I wasn’t a christian. I wouildnt been going down that road again. Why are some men like that? Boy oh boy.

  269.  #269Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:06 am

    Butterfly Wings – Thank you so much! None of this came easy for me (or for J) but we ARE blissfully happy. Thank you for seeing that. I do want to be an inspiration…that’s why I’m here..an inspiration to show people that what Rori is say really, really works. J had to do his own work and I don’t know all the details of what that consisted of but for my part, what Rori teaches here is what I did (not all of it…I didn’t know Rori then and probably could have used a few lessons) but the basic, big stuff I am a living breathing example of someone who did that and ended up with the relationship I want. So I come here and give advice when I feel it is appropriate so I can share my experience and what I learned from it with others.

    Contrary to certain belief systems, I am not here to make people feel inadequate…I don’t even understand how that could happen. I do think it’s very sad that women who are in happy, healthy, perfect for them relationships are called out on this blog sometimes. Yesterday was not the first time (and probably won’t be the last either) that someone accused me of not being authentic simply because I profess happiness and LOVE when I come here.

    I wish people in general could just look at someone who is happy and BE HAPPY for them instead of doing their best to bring them down. It happens to J and I with some of the people we know in real life too. It’s hard to imagine others not wanting me to discuss my happiness because of how it “might make some people feel” but…I’m not going to pretend less for the sake of others.

    I will however post our fight as soon as we have it so some of the women here can happily say “I told you so”. And if J has been shagging another woman for several years, I’ll be sure to share that too just as soon as I find out.

    In the meantime, I’m going to continue to love him passionately and I am going to refuse to come out here and make him out to be someone he isn’t. He worked incredibly hard to get this kind of love and devotion from me. I will absolutely NOT disrespect that work by pretending we are less than just so someone else can feel adequate.

    Janie Baby – I do have a blog and you can click on my name to read. The very, very early posts have more of the advice and my story with how J and I got to where we got. It’s not pretty and it will show you that I didn’t act in a siren-like way at all but…it is what it is and I was open and honest about it on the blog. Later, the blog turned to more of a “diary” of sorts (that happened after someone on this blog started really putting down my relationship and telling me I had no business giving advice because of what J had done in the past, etc. I let the voices get to me and I changed the blog)…it has really changed a lot since then.

    I’m considering bringing it back in the way it was originally intended (I miss the coaching part a lot sometimes) but…I just don’t know if I’m ready. I think you’ll enjoy some of the posts though…especially if you like my delivery and the way I say things. That’s pretty much constant throughout. 🙂

    For those of you meditating with me…Did you get a chance last night or this morning? Remember to not get discouraged if your mind wanders a lot…that’s very normal, especially at first. I am using the visualization I originally recommended above. I like it! It really helps me to feel confident just the way I am. For those of you who don’t know, I’m studying to be a certified meditation instructor. I’d be fascinated to read about your experiences during these 30 days so I can apply it to what I’m learning. So far, I only have my own experience with it to compare to what I read in the books and listen to on the tapes. Anything you want to share, I want to read.

    Thank you again for joining me…I LOVE that!

    Much Love,

  270.  #270Tam on November 21, 2012 at 7:11 am


  271.  #271Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:15 am

    K2012 – I love your determination! I love boundaries and it looks like you have set some. 🙂 Positive vibes from me in the hopes that he moves on and doesn’t continue to try to change who you are.

    Much Love,

  272.  #272Tam on November 21, 2012 at 7:20 am

    My feelings are my feelings and no matter how much explaining people do, they are not explained away…and when I feel yuck and weird then that is how I feel…and the problem is?
    the problem is that people who try to convince other people that they ‘should’ not feel a certain way, because once they ‘got it’, surely they should feel like this and that and be happy for everybody and bla bla bla….I mean, really. Control, control, control.
    Me and my feelings are not to be controlled.

  273.  #273Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:21 am

    BW – I’m kind of reading all over the place here so responding all over the place too. My best advice is to take your time here…really take your time. The right man will wait for you to be ready. Something more than his words needs to change and you have to be confident it has. My heart goes out to you. At this point, I was more frightened and confused than I had ever been in my entire life. Just take your time…

    Much Love,

  274.  #274Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Mercedes I will not look up the history but I love what you wrote. I feel happy that you are happy in your relationship and that is what I will focus on because that is what I want to grow in my own life. I really believe what I focus on grows so I will continue to focus on the happiness you share.

    I will admit though that in my past, I believed that one woman was too good to be true. She just seemed too nice and too happy. Maybe it was because it was not in my frame of reference and as a young person was just drifting along in life just surviving in what I was experiencing at the time.

  275.  #275Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 7:25 am


    231 – Thanks for the shout out! LOL! I went to bed shortly after I was telling everyone to wake up. You must live far, far away from me! It is so cool how this blog brings women together all over the world! There are times when I really love all this modern technology!

  276.  #276Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:27 am

    FW: Thank you so so much! This pretty much describes my youth too…but I refuse to be there ever again:

    “as a young person was just drifting along in life just surviving in what I was experiencing at the time.”

    🙂 YAY for moving on from that!!

    Much Love,

  277.  #277Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 7:27 am

    I have a very pleasant problem…my profile is drawing lots and lots of men, LOL! It’s been posted since the beginning of November, and I am finally at the point where I have lost complete track of all the men!

    A few have dropped away,, and I really am getting a taste of that Sireny feeling where it’s no big deal, because there are 5 or 10 more men who I haven’t even had time to respond to yet, LOL!

    So my take away? Time to fine tune my profile to be even more exact about who I am and who I am looking for! Time to narrow it down! Happy Thanksgiving, all around the world, LOL! Go Siren Power!

  278.  #278Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Hey Mercedes,

    Good to have your voice back here! Yay for moving away from all things toxic, painful, and not thriving! Yay for moving toward abundant life, joy, and intimacy!

    Love, Brenda

  279.  #279Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Thank you Brenda! Muah!

    Much Love,

  280.  #280Heart on November 21, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Hello Ladies,

    I feel relaxed.
    I feel good.
    I feel serene…
    I feel cared for…
    I feel proud of myself
    I feel nurtured.


  281.  #281Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 7:39 am


    Congrats RadLove

  282.  #282Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 7:47 am


    No I haven’t tried meditating yet. I’m feeling a bit thrown off by my conversation with my ex. I know I only need a few minutes. I better do it soon because the tornado that is my sister and her family have already started their six hour drive here. There will be no peace once they get here.

  283.  #283Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 7:51 am

    GL: LOL! I understand that! We have tornado family getting together this weekend too! Hopefully a little meditation will help calm that feeling some. 🙂 Don’t rush it though…if now isn’t the time then you’ll probably spend the whole time thinking “Ugh! Is 5 minutes up yet?” LOL. Maybe try to think of it as, not a chore or something that needs to get done, but instead as a welcome and much needed 5 minutes of “me time”. 🙂

    Much Love,

  284.  #284k2012 on November 21, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Thanks Mercedes. At times the temptation is great, but I always win. I want a man for myself, simple. My most recent boyfriend (now recent ex) broke up with me in July. In fact, he disappeared shortly after visioting me in my country so I am praying to God that he will finally send my husband to me. I am sort of looking. U never know who u might meet.

  285.  #285Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Hey…GL…maybe you can focus your meditation on letting this go:

    ” I feel like he won’t be inspired to make any real commitment. Is this a limiting belief or reality based on facts?”

    Maybe you can focus it on understanding that if he isn’t inspired to make any real commitment then there isn’t anything you can do about that. That’s sounds really harsh…I’m sorry…I don’t mean it to come out harsh. What I mean is that the right man for you WILL be inspired to make a real commitment. There’s just no way of knowing that THIS is the man for that…and you can’t really change it…nor should you want to (you want the RIGHT man, right? Not the man who offered commitment because you did something to make that happen…).

    Anyway, I wonder if you can meditate on letting go of “what if he doesn’t” thoughts and instead focus on “when will I be fully ready, inside and out, for Mr. Right to show up”….

    I do believe Mr. Right shows up when we are ready. Mr. WRONG showed up for me when I thought I was ready. Once I married him. The next time it was J. When J became Mr. Right and I became ready…that’s when the magic happened.

    Much Love,

  286.  #286Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:01 am

    K2012 – NICE! Stay open and he will come. 🙂

    Much Love,

  287.  #287MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:04 am


    I agreed to work on things too, with ex-husband after his affair. But the way we did it was just all wrong. I did not take my time. I jumped at his offer of trying to win my affection back. I jumped on it like I was starving and he was a hot apple pie. It happened again a year and a half later. And I later found out he had tried to have sex with one of my oldest friends. She is married to another lifelong friend, and flat out turned him down, but was afraid to tell me till after I fully left him. I still feel sick about that. He actually grabbed her and tried to kiss her. Blech. I still remember that exact night (even finding out soooo much later) because he looked so panicked when I picked him up from their house. The memory hit me as soon as she told me. I just had no idea why, at the time.

    I do believe, with time, and effort from both parties things can be worked through. I also believe there are relationships in which it’s just not right. Wrong time, wrong people, wrong ideas of how to do it. I do feel glad to see your story, and I do believe there are lots of women it will resonate with, and give hope to.

  288.  #288MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:08 am

    There I go being vague again!

    That last post was meaning to say there is a wrong way and a right way, and having an example of one possible RIGHT way really is invaluable.

    Many many many women choose to forgive and keep trying. it’s so important that they have something to shine light on the situation so they are not running around in the dark.

  289.  #289Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Crack Fix – GM is on FB right now . . . his litttle green light is makingme feel warm and fuzzy . . . so sick – lol

  290.  #290Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:15 am

    MissStix: Thank you! This part exactly describes my experience with my ex-husband: ” I also believe there are relationships in which it’s just not right. Wrong time, wrong people, wrong ideas of how to do it. ”

    Two good people totally NOT meant to be together. But we’re good now. 🙂 With J and I, it was just too soon. We had to break up twice before we REALLY knew we were never going to be apart again. It shouldn’t have been like that, but when we got back together the first time, we were just missing each other’s friendship or something like that…I don’t know…we were miserable apart but nothing had changed and we just rushed right back into it all. That was a horrible idea. The second time, it took almost a year before I was exclusive and ready. I don’t regret taking that much time. It was important.

    Thanks for that comment. It felt really good to read.

    Much Love,

  291.  #291Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 8:21 am

    A CD who I have not heard from in about 2 weeks or a little over called me this morning and said he was thinking of me so much last night that he wanted to call from much earlier. In the conversation I asked if he was prepared for his formal Thanksgiving. His response was I will be giving thanks for having met you.

    I felt so good hearing that.

  292.  #292Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:22 am

    FW: Wow! That’s a super amazing thing to hear from someone! Talk about a melting feeling…

    Much Love,

  293.  #293MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:23 am


    Well, hey, if it happened that way, that’s the way it should have happened, right? 🙂 You 2 must have really needed it to happen that way to solidify what you have together. Just like ex-husband and I needed it to happen that way to solidify that it was wrong. Forgiveness came, and we are on good terms now…We are both thriving in ways that were missing for both of us together. Me, in my love life. Him, in his career. The universe really does give us just what we need. It’s recognizing that, and sorting it all out that’s so dam confusing!

  294.  #294Rori Raye on November 21, 2012 at 8:23 am

    BRAVA Marilyn!!!!! Keep doing what you’re doing, you sound fantastic! Love, Rori

  295.  #295Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Mercedes I kinda agreed with myself to do the meditation but to do it my way. I imagine opening my heart and sending out loving words from it to myself. I don’t know if this qualifies for your challenge but I have to admit it did not last for 10 munutes.

  296.  #296Tam on November 21, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Ok Ladies, explain this to me.
    I am reading a book on dating written by a guy..there is so much great stuff in there and it’s totally supporting Rori’s stuff actually.

    How to tell he is in love with you:
    1. he leaves you alone in his house (he knows women like to snoop)
    2. he makes room for your stuff, toothbrush etc.
    3. he calls you when he is thinking of you..he may not say it and call for whatever random reason, but he was thinking of you.
    4. he can fall asleep holding you (even if it hurts his arm..)
    5. he leaves his cell phone unattended and in your reach
    6. he mentions something he wants to do with you in the future
    7. he introduces you as his gf
    8. he shows signs of jealousy
    9. he buys you little things for no reason
    10. he discovers the mysterious world of foreplay and might even ask you what you like

    OMG, I feel sad reading this. MrP did all of those things except introduce me as his gf, he just introduced me by my name…anyhow.
    I feel really sad reading this, because hrmpf..it’s no guarantee that stuff works out. Love is no guarantee that stuff works out. AAAAARGH!!!!

  297.  #297Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:26 am

    MissStix: I like how you see it as the way it was supposed to be. Sure would have saved a lot of pain if we had taken our time the first time. LOL! In any case, it all worked so regardless of the path to get here, we found our way. 🙂

    Thanks again for the kind words…

    Much Love,

  298.  #298Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:29 am

    FW: Of COURSE it counts!!! 🙂 I would love to have you join in. I think each person will most likely find their own visualization that works for them or is needed in their life right now, etc. For me, I just love the thought of lots and lots of women all meditating daily (or twice daily) to feel better about themselves. Whatever that “better” is for them (for some it is confidence, for others it is open hearts, for others it is receiving love, for others it is manifesting money…lots of things). Regardless, it is women focusing on self for 5-60 minutes per day. 🙂 I love it and I’m sooooo happy you are joining.

    In my experience, the meditation didn’t last long at first but the more I practiced the longer I could do it.

    Much Love,

  299.  #299Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 8:30 am


    Maybe I can focus on letting go of the outcome. That just seems like wasting time to me. I know I want the right man. I don’t just want him to have him.

    Maybe I can let go of the belief that he’s the only one I can feel this way with.

  300.  #300Tam on November 21, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Ok, I have calmed down again. Meh. 😉

  301.  #301MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:32 am


    I can’t help but agree with that because G does do all those things!

    However, I also believe that just because a man does all those things to demonstrate love and trust, it does not necessarily mean he’s right for a woman. Just because he doesn’t do all those things doesn’t mean he’s wrong for a woman, or not in love.

    So…I dunno! I do know, I get the sense, from your own words, that you know mrp is probably not right for you. At least, not now. Not in the current time space…

  302.  #302Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 8:34 am

    GL: Yes…that sounds like a great idea meditation….perfect for you actually. “Maybe I can let go of the belief that he’s the only one I can feel this way with.”

    Much Love,

  303.  #303Tam on November 21, 2012 at 8:36 am

    I lived in la la land (Disney fairy tale) with my exbf for 6 months…no arguments, all lovey dovey, lots of ‘love yous’ from him. Turned out the most inauthentic relationship I ever had…everything bubbling away under the surface. Yikes. I don’t wish that on anyone. Varnishing and glossing over the difficulties that are just there…difference between men and women, two people with different agendas, likes, emotions…
    I’d rather have issues and arguments and upsets cause authenticity to be revealed, than smile and put on a front…

  304.  #304LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

    I realized that I unconsciously slip into boy energy and stay there. I must be aware and present in my feminine energy. So I’m having a feminine energy marathon to get back into my habit of living my life in feminine energy. I’m having a breakthrough moment and it feels wonderful!

  305.  #305Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

    RE 303 I agree with you but I believe that after years of history together and growing in an expanding relationship people can get to a point where they are so committed to each other that they commit to not escalating conflict, not criticising each other, not arguing etc. One couple that comes to mind is Gay and Katie Hendricks. I believe it is possibly to create peace and harmony in relationships.

  306.  #306MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:42 am

    I love the bumps in my relationship road. I really do. I can’t help it!!! They show me, every time, just how solid we can be together. I wrote about that when processing through the gunk around weddings and perfection. Like I said then, I have a desire to see the filth under the white satin. Otherwise i’m skeptical…Desiring filthy dirty raw magic!

  307.  #307Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Maybe it is the reason why so many coaches suggest that beginning at the 6 month mark relationships start getting real because that is when general people start taking off their masks. You can only keep up an act for so long. The real person will eventually come through.

  308.  #308MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 8:45 am

    305 FW

    Hmm…Can I believe that?…Yes. I can.

    When I told my mom about the fight I had with G she laughed and said to me “dad and I used to do a lot of that, but there comes a point where you just don’t have the energy anymore and all “fights” gain a certain calm and humour.”

    (((wise mommy)))

  309.  #309BAB/Rebekah on November 21, 2012 at 8:50 am

    I feel thankful for my new spirit of commitment, after a hard day yesterday.
    I love the idea of meditating twice a day. I’m all in! I feel great full for this blog today, I feel love for my new unchained emotions that emerge all the time now, even if it is just a tv show that brings it on lol
    I love the joy I felt receiving the txt this morning. (Even if I txt first) I love my determination.

  310.  #310Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 8:53 am

    MissStix once upon a time I was like that. Just that I wanted to see the man at his worst. I would unconsciously test a man to bring out the worst in him. I don’t know why I was doing that but it seemed until I saw his filth he was not real. It seemed to me back then that sweet love was too good to trure. However since reading Gay Hendricks book “The Big Leap” I have embraced the concept around the thermostat setting related to the amount of love and positive energy I was able to tolerate flowing through me. It seems my setting was very low, so what I was unconsciously doing was sabotaging myself because I did not believe that I was wanted or worthy of love. I only two days ago realized the love identity of not being wanted. I cried when it hit me and I felt it in my core being. However I am now committed to allowing as much love and positive energy as possible to flow through me so I no longer go looking for filth. I want to hold the space to recognize it when it shows up and to be the change agent that chooses to deal with it differently in a team spirit .

  311.  #311Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 9:02 am

    This moved me so much I had to share it, from an email from James Bauer:-

    She corrected me by noting I had missed the point. “You’re close, James, but it’s a little deeper than that. I don’t use music as a tool to change my mental state. I become one with the music. I am the music. It’s my security and it’s my power.”

    She went on to describe the way she rides the rhythms and the vibration of the music, experiencing it as a form of harmony or oneness. She explained how she rides that wave of power, security, and energy through the difficult interactions she faces during the course of each workday. All she has to do is let the fresh memory of the music play in her mind.

    As I listened to her speak, I realized I understood what she was talking about. I recognized the experience she was struggling to put into words. It’s not something that can be spoken about easily because it has to do with subtle changes in your consciousness and your perspective.

    Pondering this conversation later, I realized I had a few experiences of briefly working with a few clients that seemed to have the same relationship with music. It may not be a coincidence that my interaction with those clients was very brief. While they leveraged my skill set to their advantage, they already had the significant advantage that comes with the ability to breathe music.

    Here’s the advantage as I see it. Fresh off the high of letting music flow through you, every cell of your body is vibrating with positive energy that comes from joy. Not only that, but you experience a sort of confidence that comes from less self-consciousness. It’s like the music expands your awareness and puts you in a “flow state” in which practical outcomes seem less important (and therefore less intimidating).

    Imagine arriving on the scene of a date, having just allow the music to flow through you in this way. Imagine you had embraced the music and tried to feel the vibration of the music as it moved through your body during your ride.

    Now contrast that with the opposite scenario. You’re driving your car on the way to your date. You’re rehearsing what you’ll say as you walk up to him. You’re paying attention to the feeling of worry in the pit of your stomach, anxiously anticipating his reaction to you and your reaction to him.

    This second scenario just isn’t as good. One of the concepts I discuss in my training materials is the importance of embracing the present as you interact with people. Music is experienced in the present. Your mind does not skip ahead to the next part of the song while you listen to it. As result, it naturally draws us back into the present moment.

    I share these thoughts with you in case they have some use to you as you reach for ways to bring out the best in yourself. Through the process of trial and error, I hope you will find several different ways to bring your mind more fully into the present moment while embracing the dating process as it unfolds.


  312.  #312Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:04 am

    LoveAlways: “So I’m having a feminine energy marathon to get back into my habit of living my life in feminine energy.” – AWESOME!!!! I really like this!!!

    FW 305 – YUP!! It took us years of being together to reach this place but now we have created something beautiful together.

    MissStix 306 – We used to feel that way too. Sort of a “we can get through anything” feeling and I agree…I kind of liked it…being a little challenged and knowing we were strong enough to communicate through it. Now, I think we’re just too old or something. lol. We prefer a relatively bump free relationship.

    When there are bumps, they are either my stuff that I need to work through or his stuff (usually my stuff to be honest…) but not OUR stuff…not relationship stuff. Like Dominique, voices aren’t raised, we don’t fight and it’s over in minutes or less.

    However…this did not come easy. We did used to push things down though. He pretended he felt one way but didn’t and I pushed hurt feelings down so much one day I exploded. I think he might be just too scared to see that happen again (nobody was there to keep my head from spinning around while I spit green sh*t all over him….). LOL. Just kidding. Sort of… It was bad and I was NOT a siren! haha!

    Now, we don’t push things down…there’s nothing to push down…we’ve created a good space…a really, really good space and the dialog is always open. We’ve promised to be each other’s best friend and when you are commited to being best friends, you take good care and treat each other’s needs and feelings with love and compassion.

    Much Love,

  313.  #313Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:10 am

    FW: 311 – WOW…beautiful…

    Much Love,

  314.  #314MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

    That’s beautiful FW!

    I have done a lot of testing him. Not even subconsciously..Totally consciously. But i’m over that. I believe, now, i’m testing myself. Showing myself it is possible to remain solid and grounded in a relationship with this specific man. I am processing through those urges to leave, and give up. I feel close, if not already there. G is a man who expresses his anger openly, who says what’s on his mind. I’m long past feeling “hurt” by any of that. I do need to know that I can pull my back up and face him in that. And he told me he needs to know I can do that. Is he testing me? That’s not for me to say…All I know, is everything seems to be happening at exactly the right time, and for a reason.

    A little digressing…At this time in my life, and relationship I see these happenings as positive. I don’t understand the thermostat reference…But I feel so infinitely positive, that literally nothing is negative in my relationship right now. Even yelling, fighting, clashing. Those words sound harsh and negative, but they are not, to me, anymore.

    I’m so weary of trying to approach everything to make sure it goes smoothly. I still “try”. It feels too similar to “giving” to gain love and appreciation. Maybe I can even let go of that fully.

  315.  #315Starla on November 21, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Ladies, I didn’t meditate/visualize!
    I went to dance class and then i went to the hospital where my best friend’s baby was admitted for jaundice problems.

    blah, i feel like i let us all down.

  316.  #316Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 9:16 am

    I just logged onto my POF profile and updated it, posted some new pics, etc. No one can see it because I shut it down when I started dating JC, but I’ve completely lost interest in “us” . . .

  317.  #317Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:17 am

    I’m so restless today!!! I need to meditate in my office I think (my boss meditates too and encouraged me to take time out of my day to go to a quiet place at random times…she does it and says it has done wonders for her. I’ve never actually let that part of my life into my work day)….but anyway, my point is: We have a LONG drive ahead of us, J is on vacation and I am at work which means we can’t leave until 5:00pm. To top it off, work is so slow and boring today…there’s absolutely no need for me to be here but…I have to be so I sit here playing on the internet waiting for 5:00 when in reality, I could be a quarter of the way there by now! 🙁 Grrrr!!!

  318.  #318MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I love my ever-changingness. I love my new found backbone. I love my raw rage. There is beauty in it. I love that I yelled back *for the first time ever*. I love how attractive I felt that night, and every day since. I love our passion. I love our intimacy. I love me. I love G. 🙂 I love imperfection. Yum!

  319.  #319Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Starla! You didn’t let anyone down! 🙂 It’s a challenge for us to do it. You still have today…tomorrow…the next day…the rest of your life…

    This shouldn’t be an inconvenience or work. As I said to someone else earlier, it should be considered much needed and welcomed “me time”. It’s all good if you miss a day or whatever….I just know that the more consistent a person is, the better the results. Please don’t feel discouraged…just join us today. 🙂

    Much Love,

  320.  #320Starla on November 21, 2012 at 9:21 am

    “I have to be so I sit here playing on the internet waiting for 5:00”

    I. Hate. This.

    And I love having the blog here:)

  321.  #321BAB/Rebekah on November 21, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Eat before you’re starving, meditate before you loose it lol I’m adopting this..

  322.  #322Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Glad I took today off!

  323.  #323Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I won’t activate my POF accoutn again until I talk to JC and us not “working”, but I’m not going to do that until after the trip to the mountains – he is really looking forward to it and I am also trying to keep my heart open to the possibility of something changing in me while we are up there together.

    But . . . when I was updating my profile, I found myself rally struggling with the part where you state what you are looking for . . . Am I really looking for a long-term committment right now? For a relationship? Or do I just want to date? I’m confused about that . . . GM is the only man I have actually felt like making any committment to and I just don’t know if i am going to feel that way again.

    I’m sort of getting set in my ways now. I love my home and would not give it up for a man – I don’t want to mov ein with anyone and I don’t even like having company come to my house . . .lol. It is my safe haven, my peaceful retreat.

    I guess it would just take the absolutely right man to persue me and win me over . . . that’s what’s missing. If left to myself . . . I will stay by myself. Hm . . . so I don’t see an option for that on the POF Profile drop box – lol

  324.  #324MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 9:26 am

    oops. Now I feel anxious because everyone heard me. Now I feel reflective. Because i’m certain i’ve yelled back before. *looks back* nope. That one time was more like firm, loud speaking. I unleashed a beast I never knew existed. I wonder why I felt so attractive in that? hmmm Powerful, feminine, raw. That’s the one. Powerful. I felt attractive in feeling powerful. I feel beautiful and unstoppable right now. I love my beautiful, unstoppable self.

  325.  #325Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Rebekah: I’m so happy you are going to meditate with us!!! 🙂 And this: “Eat before you’re starving, meditate before you loose it.”….haha! Putting that on the white board on the wall in front of my desk!!!

    Much Love,

  326.  #326Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Calypso…I wonder how many men and women just pick something from that drop down box but really want to say “I don’t have the slightest idea what I’m looking for. I’m hoping to meet the person who can show me something that feels good to me…whatever form that may be.”

    Much Love,

  327.  #327Starla on November 21, 2012 at 9:42 am

    If I could be totally honest on my dating profile, I would say

    “I’m here because I got my heart broken into a bazillion tiny pieces and am still pretty bothered by that and worry that I’ll never meet someone who moves me like that again, but I’m also a happy and healthy person who takes care of herself so I know I should be dating right now. I’m looking for someone who will make me forget all that heartbreak.

    And if you’re the guy that broke my heart, I’m still open to you…”

  328.  #328Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 9:42 am

    My friend just joined a matching service. A $1400 matching service. What do you all think?

  329.  #329MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 9:44 am

    It’s time. Yes…

    I’m feeling good. I’m feeling…existance. I don’t know how else to say it. This is something I have been moving towards. It feels less than I thought it would to get here. It feels wide open to not have something else to move towards. It used to feel as if the processing came after the happening, but it feels in real time now. Processing, and happenings running parallel, but maybe more intertwining. Like a long, never ending infinity loop. Out in. Criss cross. And on and on and on on on forever and ever. K. Yes. I like that visual.

  330.  #330Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Mercedes – I’m sure you are right – and then I see men ont here who state, “If you don’t know what you want, don’t contact me!” . . . Ugh.

    I don’t want to say I “Just want to date, but nothign serious” and have a ton of guys just wanting sex, but i don’t want to come across as “Needing” a relationship either. I only want a relationship if he is going to make me want it . . .

  331.  #331Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Starla – me too . . . but then I don’t think Mr Right would want to even meet me . . .

    “I have trust and committment issues” is kind of a turn off, I think . . . lol

  332.  #332Starla on November 21, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Calypso, sometimes I want to put “if you’ve put up on your profile, ‘if you __________, don’t contact me,’ then don’t contact me!”

    ohhh the irony, hehe

    but i do feel super turned off by any sort of negativity like that in a man’s profile.

  333.  #333ruth on November 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Well, it is here
    Ive done my five minutes of meditation
    Hm, more liek three
    wow am i out of practice
    sitting still and breathing is fne, but quieting the mind is another thing
    Today I visualised orange energy flowing into me and that I was feeling good.
    I need to do this first thing in the morning, am more receptive and less full of patients stuff then

  334.  #334Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Starla – me too! And there are so many men who do that. I guess women probably do it too, but I don’t understand who would be attracted to that.

  335.  #335BAB/Rebekah on November 21, 2012 at 9:57 am

    325-Mercedes. Lol I’m happy you got some joy out of it lol I love it:)

  336.  #336Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Starla and Calypso: ““If you don’t know what you want, don’t contact me!”

    HAHA!! Because all those guys know exactly what they want, huh? lol

    Maybe a woman’s profile needs to say “A lot of men here say not to contact if I don’t know what I want. I will respect their wishes, but I wonder if they realize what they could be missing out on…” 😉

    Much Love,

  337.  #337Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 10:05 am

    At the bottom of my profile about myself, I say:

    I’m looking for a confident man who is capable of loving and trusting a woman, but I am not in a rush to be in a “Relationship”. I won’t suffocate you and don’t want to feel that way either. When the real thing comes along – no one will feel like that anyway, right? I’m going to relax and enjoy what life has to offer. I’m open to possibilities ~

  338.  #338Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Oh yeah and for that matchmaking service, the $1400 gets you six months. They meet with you for an hour and then start calling you with lunch or drinks dates. Would you do it?

  339.  #339Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Calypso: “I’m open to possibilities” 🙂 That sounds like the perfect sentence to end a profile write up. I really like it.

    GL: No…I wouldn’t. Sounds a lot like a scam to me…unless that $1400 also covers the cost of the dates…then I could easily see me eating and drinking away $1400 in six months. LOL

    But in any case, I don’t believe (no matter how much money you are willing to spend) that someone (or a business) can find you true love in 6 months. I think it’ll take a lot more time than that with someone and I wouldn’t want my membership to expire while I still need to be circular dating. 🙂

    Much Love,

  340.  #340Starla on November 21, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Calypso that’s a beautiful blurb you added in your profile. I just love it!

  341.  #341Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 10:11 am

    296 – Tam – GM did all of those things . . .every one of them. And he used to tell me all the time, “I don’t want to scare you, but I’m really crazy about you” . . . then then suddenly – it was over. he scared himself after completely hooking me . . .

  342.  #342ruth on November 21, 2012 at 10:13 am

    It sounds pricey Goddess Lily

    Calypso, I think that comment on your profile is great
    I would feel very intrigued to meet someone like you

  343.  #343Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Mercedes and Starla – thanks 🙂

    Now to get it active again . . . lol. Gotta hurt a mans feelings before I can do that 🙁 I don’t think he will be surprised tho. I don’t know.

  344.  #344Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Ruth: I’m so happy you did it! I like that your visualization felt good. I don’t think it matters how short it was or how long it could be, etc…it felt good to you and that’s amazing! When I first started the Zazen I couldn’t do it at all really. It was very discouraging and didn’t feel good at all. Practice, practice, practice…and I still get impatient. I know I need to let go of the outcome in order to reach that place but…easier said that done. LOL. I’ll keep going though…I will. 🙂

    Thank you for being here…

    Much Love,

  345.  #345Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Awww… (((Ruth)))

  346.  #346Starla on November 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

    I’d spend 1400 on a new viola and play it downtown on the street for change and let men approach me there lol

  347.  #347CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

    305 I believe that too. (peace & harmony in relationships) but I also believe it comes from being able to RESOLVE your very human, always present conflicts…and by stuffing them and pretending they don’t exist, as resentment builds & festers. This is a huge trigger for me. Real people, with REAL love and real committment often have conflict. It’s how they DEAL with it that creates the peace & harmony and incredibly healthy, strong relationship. Insisting it doesn’t exist -in my opinion- is a huge form of denial.

  348.  #348CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 10:16 am

    306 Yes MissStix!! Yes yes yes!!

  349.  #349Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 10:19 am

    346 Starla – i was looking for the “Like” button – lol

  350.  #350Iamabutterfly on November 21, 2012 at 10:21 am

    @237? Mercedes – “The right man will wait for you to be ready.” I feel goosebumps reading this!

  351.  #351Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 10:22 am

    I told my friend if I knew she was ready to pay that kind of money, I could set her up myself! Do a background check and everything…cause that’s all they do. They meet people, do background checks, give you a name and tell you where your reservations are.

  352.  #352Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:22 am

    CurvySiren10: “Real people, with REAL love and real committment often have conflict. It’s how they DEAL with it that creates the peace & harmony and incredibly healthy, strong relationship.”

    I’m curious about this though…do you also believe that a relationship can grow to a place where the conflict is no longer there? Where the peace and harmony encompass every day? Where the words “often have conflict” is no longer true for two people?

    Much Love,

  353.  #353Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Hi sirens!
    Hmm meditating. This doesn’t feel interesting to me but I feel open to change…

  354.  #354Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I do a lot of visualising though… I feel embarrassed like a child in class who doesn’t get it, but what’s the difference between visualising and meditating?

  355.  #355Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:28 am

    I think visualising appeals more than meditating because I don’t have to sit still and upright. I’m always on the go. I can visualise anywhere!

  356.  #356ruth on November 21, 2012 at 10:29 am

    346 Starla

    oh yes!

    Nice one!

  357.  #357Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Tam, the post you posted about how to tell if a guys in love with you… Yes, I had all these things with ex of 2 years and threw it away because I didn’t *hear* the words I love you, for a man (boy) who said the words but did none of those things.
    I thank dominique for opening my eyes to see that you can be loved without hearing the words.

  358.  #358MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I still like my mom’s words. And after 40 years of marriage the do still often conflict. Because they are 2 separate beings with separate feelings and thoughts and triggers and behaviors and ideas and personalities…The list could go on forever…She likes the cutlary to face up in the dishwasher, he likes it to face down. I have heard them bicker about this, all the while laughing and teasing and tongues get stuck out of both mouths….I mean really. Conflict is a part of daily life. I can not believe it is possible for it to disappear entirely, even if it is just cutlary…The method of resolution will always be more important, to me, than ridding myself of conflict. And I can easily rid myself of negativity simply in the way I look at conflict.

  359.  #359Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 10:31 am


    I’ll pass along your suggestion, lol

  360.  #360ruth on November 21, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Happy, I dunno about the difference really
    When i used to do Yoga, the teacher would getus to use visualisation to relax and find a peaceful place
    Now, actually, even though i have a pretty busy like with lots of nose and coloue during the day, I CAN just sit quietly and have no issues with that
    I woildnt NEED the visualisation to relax, i can just DO that now(but i dont, and thats daft)
    I think theres a diffference between visualising to realx and an actie visualisation to help change your —–erm, brain wiring
    Its been a tricky day at work and i am probbably not making much sense

  361.  #361ruth on November 21, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Mercedes, if it is that quiet at work then get on with your Nanowrimo

    tee hee

  362.  #362CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Mercedes, I will point you to Miss Stix’s post in 358. That pretty much describes what I am saying…

    No, I do not believe that every day life can be conflict free. I do however believe that a couple can learn HOW to resolve their conflicts in a way (ie. Miss Stix’s mom) that keeps their relationship resentment-free and therefore, healthy- strong- harmonious.

  363.  #363Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:37 am

    327, Starla, I could be writing the exact same thing..thanks for the inspiration. 😉

  364.  #364Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:38 am

    358 Miss Stix, exactly!

  365.  #365Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Ruth: I wish I could get on with that. Unfortunately, I’m on my work PC and I don’t have it here…plus, when there are interruptions, I find it impossible to finish a thought. No…creative writing here is not a good mix for me. lol But I do have several hours in the car over the next few days and an excellent battery on my laptop so…I plan to really focus then.

    I believe the difference between straight visualizing and meditation is the breathing techniques. I’m not positive on this though…I do not know of all the meditation techniques and there could be lots of different ways that I’m not familiar with but the ones I have studied have all included breathing exercises.

    Much Love,

  366.  #366Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

    LoveAlways – 212 – Rubbish. I don’t buy these numbers at all. I feel doubtful about most any stats. I can’t help but ask where did these people come from. What questions were asked and how. And even if this were true, you find what you are looking for.


  367.  #367Starla on November 21, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Okay. I’m gonna do it.
    I’m going to buy myself some new clothes.

    My weight is in flux (probably dropping more) but Express is having a 50% off sale storewide

  368.  #368Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:44 am

    357 Happy (wondered where you were)….yes, MrP did all that and quite a bit more – tried to sort out my career, my living situation, listened at level 2, courted me, paid for everything, planned stuff that I knew I would love even if it was a pain for him, ALWAYS came back no matter what hapened, and and and…fact is, even with all this stuff, it’s not going to work. It just isn’t as long as this behaviour is there and as long as I feel scared he freaks again – even if he did come back, I am fully aware of how impossible this is – if I want to love myself – and I do.
    I feel confused and angry by this. Like, angry at the Universe for putting all these issues between us. I feel loved, but that isn’t helping, it makes everything worse.
    He never said those 3 words either, but knowing him as well as I do, I would be shocked if he ever said those words to any woman. Him saying that there aren’t many like me was pretty much it – I wasn’t going to get anything better, ha 🙂
    Well, it is what it is.
    Onwards and upwards, eh?

  369.  #369Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

    I think I am starting to see the difference. I doubt either J or I would notice or mention these little things that we’re discussing here. We just don’t see them I guess. I’m sure though…if we’re talking about teasing each other over differences being “conflict” (sorry…I was not considering that as conflict) then I suppose we do it. For example he’ll say a word that isn’t really a word (use it in a sentence) and I’ll call him out on it. I’ll say “That’s not a word.” and smile at him. He’ll say “It is since you know what it means.” and smile at me. I’ll insist he can’t do that because someone is going to repeat it someday and back and forth and back and forth….our kids generally roll their eyes and walk away from us when we get into that banter.

    Is that the kind of thing you are referring to as conflict? Maybe to me, conflict is an argument or a fight and not so much these little ways of teasing each other. The teasing to me (us) is fun and not something we consider conflict. As a matter of fact, I don’t think we could live without banter…

    Was I missing the definition of “conflict” in the way it is used here?


    Much Love,

  370.  #370Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:49 am


    ‘do you also believe that a relationship can grow to a place where the conflict is no longer there? Where the peace and harmony encompass every day?’

    I totally believe that that’s possible, in lala land, Disney and in cheesy Hollywood movies….and denial is not a river in Egypt. 🙂
    (I await the mad rant with joyful anticipation)

  371.  #371Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:50 am

    369 – yep, you missed it.

  372.  #372Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Hi Ruth, mercedes,
    So I feel much happier that I’m just going to visualise to rewire my brain lol. I love roris waterwheel visualisation. I would feel silly meditating, I feel immature sometimes.
    I shall join the month of visualising twice a day if that’s okay.

  373.  #373Happy on November 21, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Tam, I’m here.
    I’ve been reading but busy busy. I’m feeling good. 
    Yes, onwards and upwards!!!! X

  374.  #374MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 10:56 am

    The cutlary is a definite conflict. A silly one (in my eyes) but a conflict indeed. They have their reasons, and are both stubborn enough that it still comes up. They still do it their own way.

    It annoys my dad because the forks poke him when he puts it away. It annoys my mom because she has to re-wash them cause they don’t get clean enough facing down.

    I’m totally serious! lol

    It may look ludicrous to others but it is real to them. But the way they deal with it does kind of make it look like teasing.

    I have a feeling they deal this way because neither one of them is about to change how they do it.

  375.  #375Tam on November 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Curvy, I was reading back and had to smile, as you also mentioned the word denial…he he
    ‘Real people, with REAL love and real committment often have conflict. It’s how they DEAL with it that creates the peace & harmony and incredibly healthy, strong relationship. Insisting it doesn’t exist -in my opinion- is a huge form of denial.’

    I would go further than this, much further. I acually believe that resolution of a big conflict, when it is done without blaming and shaming, will actually solder a couple together much stronger…and the more conflicts have been resolved, and the more issues have been dealt with – the stronger the bonds get. It’s a growth together…and it is intimacy. Admitting and working through triggers, past hurts and conflicts builds intimacy..it’s not the words ‘I love you’ or a bunch of flowers or a ring or any kind of ‘insurance’, that builds and maintains intimacy and real love – it’s how two people manage to overcome and celebrate their differences.

    Those who never have conflicts also never have make-up sex…they are really missing out on sooooo many accounts…ha!! 🙂

  376.  #376ruth on November 21, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Happy, Mercedes
    Actually I think the physical stillness is VERY important, which is why with meditation I would think posture and breathing are important, and the ambience to a certain extent(though we cant control that)
    So many electrical bits to switch off LOL

    But I used to be a Yoga person, so believe that if we can be still and focused and grounded physically, it weill help with the mind focus
    Sitting still and upright for me as an ex musician feel s natural too

  377.  #377Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Happy: YAY! It doesn’t matter to me at all how it is done…what I’m so excited about is how many people are doing it! 🙂 Smiles, smiles, smiles again!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  378.  #378ruth on November 21, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Stixy,it feels nice to read about your parents and the cutlery story
    In another case scenario, that coud have been a deal breaker and a divorce, wow, the little things often get to people much much more
    I am wondering if your mom and dad, well, they agreee on the BIG things so the cutlery thing can be bickered about in safety? And they both get to be right?

  379.  #379Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Triggered by the ‘queen’ of all people!

    She asked Kate winslet if she like her job as an actress, and she replied yes but enjoyed being a mum more. To which the queen replied being a mum was really the only job there is.

    Grumble grumble, I’m sure being a mum is great. I wish I was one. I want this more than anything but I feel like she’s looking down on me because I’m not one (i know the queen doesnt know me) My job is very rewarding and important to
    me. I’m passionate about it. I am more of a mum to the children in the class than their real mothers.

  380.  #380Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Fun banter exists in my life each and every day. 🙂

    Much Love,

  381.  #381Tam on November 21, 2012 at 11:05 am


  382.  #382CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 11:09 am

    375 Tam- You totally nailed it here. I agree…resolving conflict together- without blame, without anger but dealing with egoity that always flares- is an absolute bonding experience. I’ve lived it. I believe it wholeheartedly. I’ve never felt closer to my partner than when we’ve worked through our conflicts, whether they are about washing cutlery or much, much deeper issues.

    Completely agree with you Tam. Thanks for articulating it so beautifully…

  383.  #383CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

    More 375~ “Admitting and working through triggers, past hurts and conflicts builds intimacy..it’s not the words ‘I love you’ or a bunch of flowers or a ring or any kind of ‘insurance’, that builds and maintains intimacy and real love – it’s how two people manage to overcome and celebrate their differences.” <—-YES!!!!

  384.  #384Tam on November 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

    382 – thank you Curvy….and to add to it, I believe that many people who grew up in families where conflict was avoided, think conflict is somehow to be avoided at all costs – at the expense of authenticity…my grandparents were like this, always keeping the peace and smiling – yet on her death bed she let it all out and called him all sorts of names…a big shock to everybody and so sad. She’d been stuffing it for 50 years. Wow.
    A fantasy bond, 50 years of fantasy.
    Anyhow, MrP also grew up in one of those homes, for sure, as soon as he hears the word conflict or something isn’t right, he runs…it’s just ‘not done’.
    Although at least he is authentic in his anger – and that is a beautiful thing, as I was with a man who smiled when angry and that is something I can’t handle.
    I grew up trying to keep the peace and never have conflict and it’s a big part of my suffering because it was totally fake, a fantasy world created so that my mother would not get upset. So really…there are deeper things around conflict and how to handle it – because it is always ‘there’ somewhere. Always.

  385.  #385Tam on November 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

    fun banter is not conflict, it’s teasing – and can be fuin as well as inauthentically cruising around conflict also. ‘dropping hints’…ooh I was an expert at ‘teasing’ and dropping hints…because I felt to afraid to speak up authentically, mostly.

  386.  #386ruth on November 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Happy, Grrrrrrrrr

    Ooh I feel angry reading about your triggersI am childless by choice(not that it should make any difference reallly as to why)
    But i am NOT a lesser person cos i dont have kids and i am not less fulfilled
    ooh, it does make my blood boil

  387.  #387MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 11:20 am


    I love that, I was thinking the same thing about it getting blown up and turning into something very bad. It’s a way for them to vent the very real frustration they both feel without resentment.

    Cutlary was just a tiny example…I was kind of using it as a metaphor. Because there are much bigger and more important conflicts they deal with on a regular basis. The “she wants it up, he wants it down” metaphor.

    I have not heard them yelling in a long long time (though I no longer live with them) but they definitely fought on occasion when I was growing up. Though, it didn’t feel frightening to me. They have always resolved these things and kept moving forward. “Safe” is definitely the word I would use. Safe to speak, feel, be. I’ll even admit, their strong and long relationship is part of why I feel so excited to be in that space in my relationship, and see conflict and the dirty stuff as an indication of strength of bond.

    I’ll bet you’re a little bit right on that…It is something they don’t have to compromise on. They are free to disagree and not compromise and still vent, and repeat. They both get their own way, yet neither one gets their own way.

  388.  #388Indigo on November 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Femininewoman 310

    Wow, that was so beautiful. I identify so much with that. I realised, crazy really :), because of something Rori said, that I associated love with pain, and that I would create pain for myself in love relationships, otherwise it didn’t really feel like love to me. I’d almost automatically feel pain, even over things which were never meant to hurt me or cause me pain at all. It was actually a smiley thing to realise this because I realised it was totally reversible.

    Now I actually smile to myself when I feel my old pain reflex. I go aaaaww and I choose to let the feeling flow away and feel good instead. Developing a high tolerance for love and bliss. Wow 🙂

  389.  #389Indigo on November 21, 2012 at 11:27 am


    I haven’t read your story, but I intend to. I have actually been thinking recently about what you wrote on the blog about it, even though I am new here. It really makes me feel hopeful that, whilst not every relationship can be saved, some work out in ways we cannot imagine. Your story affirms my belief that the universe and fate is benevolent and wise, and that each love story has a very special energy and personality all of its own 🙂

  390.  #390MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Talk about strenth of a family bond…I don’t even want to get into the muck me and my mom walked through growing up. I pushed her to her absolute limits and still felt wholly and entirely loved. Up to this point, my mom, and brother are the only 2 people in the world I have felt fully free to express myself with. My dad…No. (I don’t know why. He always seemed just a bit distant from me. But I will attribute that to his own childhood traumas with his father, and I know he loves me unconditionally). I can add now add G to that list, happily 🙂

  391.  #391Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I feel comfortable now with conflict.

    I use to fear it was the end of everthing.

  392.  #392Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Curvy it feels sad to read it suggested that conflict is inevitable. Maybe I don’t understand the meaning of conflict.

    Tam it feels sad to read that a woman would consider another woman’s rant as “mad”. Also another woman’s peace and harmony as lala land feels sad to read.

    I will just choose to embrace that everyone’s reality is different rather than trying to convince.

  393.  #393Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Ruth, I can be still. Sitting up right is not natural for me.
    I often go to bed so I can just be horizontal rather than sat up. I like to visualise curled on my side. I like to feel comfortable.

  394.  #394Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Wow – I just went to the local park on my lunch break – sometimes I like to sit in my car and listen to the radio and relax, but today I felt compelled to get out of the car and walk – I power walked the entire outer rim of the park – not sure how far it was, but FAR and now back at my desk my legs and lower back are tingling . . . feels amazing – must do that again!

  395.  #395Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:44 am

    I want to say this to a man right now…He’s out there somewhere!!!

    I love it when you put your arms around me.

    I love it when you call and ask how my days gone.

    He he, I feel giggly at the thought of being in love again.

  396.  #396Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I am enough

    I am enough

    I am enough

  397.  #397ruth on November 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Happy, I like to lie flat on my back too
    Think a chair is okay for me cos of playing a musical instrument
    I like to fel grounded whe doing this stuff, so seem to need to be straight
    There is no *right* way in this though

  398.  #398Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Femininewoman – 392 – I agree with you. I said this earlier. It’s not the relationship which is difficult; this is the easy part; it’s the work on self which feels difficult.


  399.  #399Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:49 am


    I want to be open to a man, I don’t want to leave things boiling up inside me. I want him to be able to share with me too. I want to feel bringing something up will not crumble the relationship.

    I know it may hurt when we talk about it, but I need to talk about it.

  400.  #400Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Ruth, you feel like a clarinetist or a flute player to me…

  401.  #401Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

    What’s my favourite way of overcoming being sad?

    Smiling 

  402.  #402Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Do I really need to communicate about this…?

  403.  #403Happy on November 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Calypso, fresh air! Being outside feels great to me. Good for the mind 

  404.  #404Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 11:57 am

    I did read that Dominique and to tell you the truth it is my experience. I feel so much fear facing myself most of the times because that is what brings up the most icky feelings,many times I want to beat up on myself. If I was not beating up on myself I was pushing it out being confrontational with others. Thansk to you “bring it back to yourself” is now emblazoned on my consciousness.

  405.  #405ruth on November 21, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Yes happy, i used to play flute(and piccolo) but wish i had done cello, more me LOL.Its more of a physical instrument than a flute
    Piano and singing too, back in the day

    Calypso, exercise is always, always good
    hm, must be time for my daily outing

  406.  #406Femininewoman on November 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    “I want to feel bringing something up will not crumble the relationship”.

    I want to simply bring it up and believe that the relationship does not have to be on trial. It takes at least two to engage in a conflict but I believe we can rally around each other rather than against each other. We can turn towards each other rather than turning away from each other. I can be the source of change by doing this first. It feels scary to do but I will not allow the fear to cause me to freeze.

  407.  #407Heart on November 21, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Happy ….every time I see your name I think It’s Me! hehe.

  408.  #408Happy on November 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Ooo I feel jealous you can play the piano!!!

    Reminds me I need to embark on my keyboard lessons!

    I feel like being a boy and worrying about you running in the dark!

  409.  #409Happy on November 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Ha heart, I’m thinking about being smile again, I think it suited me more…

  410.  #410Happy on November 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I feel happy that I have made a switch in my mind about work. I am in the moment. I feel good about fitting my work around my life rather than fitting my life around work. I feel less restricted now. Yey.

  411.  #411ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Happy, i cant play the piano any more

    tis in the past
    Now, dont fret, I am only doing a nice little circuit round my nice safe hozzie

  412.  #412Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Happy and Ruth – Yes! I feel sooo much calmer now. I was half way around the park before the voices in my head went quiet and even then I started counting to 8 with the sounds of my footsteps – a nervoius habit I have had all my life when i am stressed and trying not to think . . . I had to keep pushing until I was fginally able to just enjoy the sunshine and the breeze, but by then i was tired and sore – lol!

  413.  #413ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    dont know if you know who paula radcliffe is calypso, but she counts to get her through her marathons
    you are in good company

  414.  #414Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Cool – I just thought I was crazy – lol

  415.  #415CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    399 LOVE it Happy…right on target for me.

  416.  #416Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Indigo – Thank you! “Your story affirms my belief that the universe and fate is benevolent and wise, and that each love story has a very special energy and personality all of its own” – Oh yes…it sure does…and we don’t have to conform to what society says is normal or right or good…we can be individuals and couples that someone or something had a hand in aligning it just so. 🙂 I feel blessed.

    FW – You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!! I LOVE how you are creating your own reality and how you always stay true to what you really feel. Inspiring to say the least! And I really, really appreciate your understanding.

    Dominique – 398 – OH YES!!! Soooooo true!

    Much Love,

  417.  #417Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Calypso: In some forms of moving or walking meditation the recommendation is that you count your steps to go into a meditative state while moving. Ruth is right…you are NOT alone. 🙂

    Also, my son told me that when he was marching in the Marines it helped to lessen the pain and fatigue when they were counting or singing because he was focused on each step and not on the rest of what his body was trying to tell him. I think that’s sort of a meditative state as well.

    Much Love,

  418.  #418Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Ruth 376 – I agree based on what I am learning through my studies. I’m still working on it however and believe I do not always have the correct posture. I do meditate in front of a wall of mirrors though so I try to get set before I start. I would like to have better posture during the rest of my day though…I can be a bit of a sloucher. Ugh!

    Much Love,

  419.  #419Butterfly wings on November 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    262 FW – yep that’s part of my confusion. I was able to establish that nothing at all happened and it’s purely friendship (from a very reliable source) but I still feel hurt by it, even though we weren’t in an actual relationship at the time. He’s also insisting that he’ll cut communication with her completely if I decide to give us another go.

    I have a LOT of mixed emotions to work through.

  420.  #420Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Mereceds – wow – thanks for sharing that! I wonder if my son is counting his steps at Parris Island right now . . . probably so!

    I have been doing that since I was a small child – I had a very stressful childhood – I guess it was just my minds way of helping me out – meditation – who knew!

  421.  #421ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Hi Mercedes
    For me the posture thing is about feeling grounded
    we used to use this in music, with singing , for example
    You cant sing from your diaphragm unless you are centered and grounded, it comes form the bottom up
    I liked our singing teachers anaolgy, he told us to imagine truing to stand uo ina tube train with nothing to hold on to, er sorry, that would be a subway to you girls I think
    So you adopt a legs apart grounded position and you wont slouch
    and then the voice flows
    I think it is the same with Yoga, or meditation
    the channels have to be clear

    Oh bloody hell, now i am really sounding off the wall

  422.  #422Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Calypso: I can assure you your son is counting a LOT of steps. 🙂 My son was in San Diego…I believe they call them “Hollywood Marines”. LOL! That’s where my dad went too. It was very cool for him to go to my son’s graduation. He was so proud… Awww…I might cry. (happy tears).

    Much Love,

  423.  #423ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    If it helps calypso when I was a little girl and i could not seep becos i was worried about waking up in time to do the breakfast and sandwiches for the family
    I would count vowels in hymns
    to try and sleep

    I know lots of hymns off by heart now

  424.  #424ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    he seems to be stepping up big time
    but you take your own time with this

  425.  #425Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Ruth: You don’t sound off the wall at all to me. I also was (definitely past tense) a musician (ummm…wanna be more like) and completely get it. I practice Yoga several times per week for exercise and sort of live a lifestyle associated with it (yet I do give myself a free day and I really love things like hot dogs and pizza… lol)

    Much Love,

  426.  #426Calypso on November 21, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I used to do this thing with my fingers and counting 5,4,3,2,1, – 4,3,2,1, – 3, 2, 1 – 2,1 – 1 and then start again. I would get so frustrated with myself for doing that over and over again . . . I feel better now

    (((childhood me)))

  427.  #427MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I desire, in such a big way, to create space around me for anger and even bigger things. For me, for him, for our children. I desire to feel deeply that anger is not “bad” or “negative”. That it IS OK to feel angry and to have urges to yell and vent. I don’t want to convince, or project my reality onto another person. I want to keep it swirling around me as my own reality. I want to express. I want to create space around me for expression. It feels very important to me. There is no perfect man for me. There is no perfect relationship…Unless the perfection is expressed in loving acceptance of all the beautiful imperfections. I am no longer afraid to face myself, or him.

    Truth is…I like it. I enjoy our relationship immensely. Even the big huge passionate parts. We love each other. And…Sometimes it feels so intense and it might come ripping out in angry ways. But it is still love. A love I enjoy more than my words could ever express. Sometimes it bubbles out of me in a fit of giggles because I never, ever knew something so solid could actually exist. I want this. Phewf. It feels so weird to say that! I WANT THIS! I want this big, passionate, physical, expressive love. I like it.

  428.  #428Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    LOL…Calypso! That’s so fun! Isn’t it funny the things we get frustrated by ourselves over? Things that if we only knew…others can really relate to. haha! I love it!

    Much Love,

  429.  #429ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Counting is reassuring and it can be a good tool for meditaion, oh , and hypnosis LOL

    Mercedes, I realy have to get back to Yoga
    it was so healing for me and I do have a very toxic life really
    I exercise in a non Yoga way-running about 40-50 mpw

    but thats crucial to my well being too

  430.  #430Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    MissStix: “Truth is…I like it. I enjoy our relationship immensely. ” – and in the end, I think that is all that truly matters. 🙂 Beautiful!

    Much Love,

  431.  #431ruth on November 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I am loving reading about your love too stix

    and a bit jealous

  432.  #432MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I want this I want this I want this 😀 I do! I want it. It’s ok to say I want this. Wow. I like it! I do like it. haha YES!!!

  433.  #433MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    And now I cry…

  434.  #434Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Ruth: And I couldn’t run to save my life. LOL! I have this amazing treadmill….I haven’t quite turned it into a clothing rack but I could just as well. It sits there…right next to J’s eliptical. Ugh! Yeah…I love my Yoga (and Pilates) but…that whole cardio thing is so incredibly important and also the one thing I prefer to skip most often. When we’re truly serious about Body For Life and we’re following the exact plan (which we try to do about 3 time per year…sometimes 2…) I do the cardio no matter how much I hate it but typically…welll…let’s just say I need that as much as you need the Yoga. lol.

    Much Love,

  435.  #436Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Heart: May I ask what the link is? I can’t access youtube here.

    Much Love,

  436.  #437Butterfly wings on November 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    424 Ruth – yep I’m definitely taking my time on this one.

    Right now I’m weighing up the pros and cons for getting back together…

  437.  #438ruth on November 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Good for you BW

    It is your show

  438.  #439ruth on November 21, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Dear Mercedes
    ANYONE can run!
    we were born to do it
    If a 12 stone, flat footed knockneed girl wh was told she would never walk normally can get round marathons(and its 218 and counting) then youcan run too
    Just sayin

    I dont even look like a runner
    But i can

  439.  #440Heart on November 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Mercedes – it’s a video of Rori talking about how we put up walls when we’re unsure/afraid or feel nervous and like we need to urgently
    need do something etc. So, we lean forward etc . We put up walls when our boundaries are not strong on the inside. It’s called Love Advice from Rori Raye: Boundaries and Walls with men

  440.  #441Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Ruth…yeah…lol. I know, I know. haha! I just don’t wanna!!!!!! *sticks out bottom lip and stomps foot* 😉 I know it’s important though…

    Heart: Thank you for that! I’ll check it out when I’m not at work.

    Much Love,

  441.  #442MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm


    You are just amazing. You are. You have a beauty about you…Thank you for your words.

  442.  #443Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Femininewoman – 404 – yay you!!!

    Sending much love to you.


  443.  #444MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm


    Thank you for your words too. I do believe you when you say how harmonious you and J are. I guess I push against that because i’m in such a place of realizing how right this is for me and it looks a lot different than what you describe. I deeply respect individuality, and I feel genuinely happy to see an example of something different. <3

  444.  #445MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I love how rori expresses with her hands. So beautiful!

  445.  #446Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Miss M – What makes you think cardio is so important?


  446.  #447Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    MissStix: I feel the same way…happy to see an example of something different that works. Like Rori’s relationship…it is very different from mine…but I love how it works for her. The way she writes about it makes her sound so lovely and happy and as a couple, so together. My relationship is certainly not something everyone would want, but it is so incredibly cool for me. I’m proud to shout it from the rooftops! 🙂

    To be honest, it’s really only the words “it doesn’t exist” that trigger me when I read them. I want to raise my hand and say “ummm….over here…it exists over here…”. I don’t need anyone else to want what I have but I like knowing there are people here who believe it exists in my life and who understand that I’m not out here making up stories or living in a delusional relationship that is about to shatter into a million pieces at any moment if I don’t hurry up a pick a fight with J. LOL!

    Thank you so much for your words of understanding and belief. It really, really means a lot to me. I feel heard and understood and grateful.

    Much Love,

  447.  #448Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Dominique – I’m a smoker (we quit for over a year but picked it back up again). Cardio is the best way I’ve heard of to keep my heart strong while I continue to punish it with unnatural chemicals.

    Is there another way???? I’m TOTALLY open to it if there is…I really don’t like cardio and even after we quit again (which J is asking me to do with him after the holidays) I have quite a bit of repair work to do…

    Much Love,

  448.  #449Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 1:38 pm


    How do I get to your blog?

  449.  #450Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    GL: Just click on my name. 🙂

    Much Love,

  450.  #451Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Lol, oh 🙂

  451.  #452MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Aww…I am in that space where I want to be sharing my joy with G but I won’t get to hang out with him till friday. I am sleeping here tonite but working an evening, so he’ll be snoring before I crawl in. Going home tomorrow after work. Booooo-urns.

    Friday will be fantastic though, he planned a fun and romantic night in for us, and after time apart we always come back together in a great way. Feels so good! 🙂 I’m already excited.

  452.  #453MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    omg!!!!! Where does the time go? I need a nap before work…Bad. Been up since 0530 and working late. 35 min nap. I will choose to see this as enough…

  453.  #454Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Miss M – In my opinion, and this is only my opinion, cardio is important for those with weight issues and those with blood pressure/heart issues. I can’t believe you started smoking again, bad girl, lol.

    Have you had your blood work done recently to check on this? As long as all checks out well and you keep your body moving in some way, i.e. circulation, I don’t see the need for specific cardio.

    I have never done cardio. I get some cardio through my ballet I suppose, but it’s not sustained. My blood work and heart couldn’t be healthier. And as you know I’ve never had an overweight problem though for me it’s natural.

    If you want to ad to the yoga which can be somehwat passive, how about going back to zumba? It sounds like a lot more fun than running or treadmilling. Sorry to those who love running.


    I think a

  454.  #455Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 2:03 pm


    281 – Thank you!

  455.  #456Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm


    I far prefer fun exercises like zumba, belly dance, salsa, swimming…

  456.  #457Turquoise on November 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I feel kinda sad. My oldest daughter has been having some issues with friends/feeling left out, and it just breaks my heart to hear her sad. I felt like I needed to stop dating and throw everything into her. But I’m realizing life has to all be about balance, and throwing everything into her, could be me wanting to hide or pull back from dating. Like an excuse. So, turned my POF profile back on and said hi to a few guys.

    Still no word from Mr. Conversation. While part of me feels really sad about that, another part feels angry and like telling him he’s a jerk.

  457.  #458Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Dominique: No…my blood work is fine. My brother has had several heart attacks (and he is not much older than me at all) so I have mine checked every year without fail (since I turned 36). That’s one of the reasons quitting smoking (and keeping smoke free) is so hard for me. My numbers are great (I credit that to the heart healthy foods like salmon). My stress tests have all come out fine. As you know, I don’t have a weight problem (although I have in the past…but have kept it under control since my early 20s so I don’t worry about that much anymore). On paper, things look really good.

    I love Zumba but J and I cancelled our gym memberships so it’s a little harder (more expensive) to make that happen and Zumba just isn’t quite as much fun with the tapes. But…again…because I dislike the cardio so much, it does take a back burner anyway and Yoga and Pilates and strength training are where it’s really at for me. 🙂

    Much Love,

  458.  #459Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Radlove – Exactly. You won’t continue to do it if it’s not enjoyable.


  459.  #460Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Turquoise: hugs to you and your daughter! 🙁 It’s so painful to watch our children suffer in any way.

    I’m sorry….

    Much Love,

  460.  #461Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Well then Miss M, then do what you love. It’s working for you. But please try again on the smoking. For vanity’s sake if nothing else. You will wrinkle sooner and more deeply. Smoking robs the skin of oxygen thus aging it faster.


  461.  #462Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Dominique: I know. ugh! And it’s the nastiest habit EVER! Hate it! And yes…I will try again…J and I will do it together and we’ll fight through the crappy initial stuff and we’ll fight through the easier stuff later…we will. But not today. LOL! He would be totally unprepared if I came home today and said “I know we’re going on a several hundred mile drive today but I decided we’re not smoking anymore”.

    We will and we’re trying again soon though. I know how important it is (for many, many reasons) and I also know how addictive it is. Logically, I got this easy enough. From an addict standpoint, I don’t. But I will. 🙂

    Much Love,

  462.  #463ruth on November 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Im a bit triggered here cos

    You laddies need SOME cardio

    doent have to be running
    I used to be a step/aerobics bunny

    but sorry you DO need to do something toget out of breath at laest three times a week
    and thats cardio
    whether its power walking or running or gym——
    (thats a docs advice, not me as a running nut.I do work as a medical doc in the real world)

    I shall get my piccies up from last weeks marathon in a bit

  463.  #464Annie on November 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    How do you know when their is conflict?

    A.You know because one of you is triggered.

    And it is then it is if you are both able to stay open in conflict and both grow and learn and expand develop and blossom.

  464.  #465ruth on November 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Oh bugger
    didnt want to be here but cardio(weight bearing) is important to help with bones too.Doesnt have to be running butthats great to get out doos and its easy
    I have never *not* done it
    at whatever weight

  465.  #466Happy on November 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    My fear… I look so young no man will ever want to be with me. I look too young to get married and have children. People react shocked when they find out how old i am.
    I want to age a bit lol!
    I can’t quite get my head round it feeling like a compliment when people say I look young. I feel insulted. I’m a woman not a girl.

    Ex of 2 years was a total man/gentleman and he wasn’t bothered by my youthfulness. I must remember this. Also men think I’m cute. I must remember this.

  466.  #467Annie on November 21, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    It is in conflict resolution where intimacy and love grows and becomes deeper and bonding occurs.

  467.  #468CurvySiren10 on November 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    467~ I agree Annie.

  468.  #469Happy on November 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I’m feeling angry. I hardly ever feel anger. I want to spew all over strummingman! A**h***!!!

    These are new feelings for me.

  469.  #470ruth on November 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Bottom line

    you DO need to do some cardio
    whatever works for you

  470.  #471Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    LOL! Ruth…I know and I get it. I have bad habits and I hate cardio but I do try to make it a part of my life. Not three days/week though…unless we’re actually doing full on body for life…then it is exactly three days per week. (but it doesn’t make me happy! lol).

    Much Love,

  471.  #472Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    22 minutes until I get to celebrate the holiday with family and friends…and I can’t WAIT!!

    Have an amazing weekend ladies!!

    Much Love,

  472.  #473Happy on November 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    I just released my anger in my head. I visualised myself bashing him with my pillow over and over.

  473.  #474Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    ruth – I have to ask why? Unless my lifelong ballet addiction has been enough cardio for me. My heart couldn’t be healthier as is my blood pressure and cholesterol including splits. The only weight problem I have ever had is being underweight.


  474.  #475Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Happy – I hear you. I looked like I was twelve until well into my thirties, and even now though I don’t get carded anymore, I still look far younger. I still get the “cute” thing too. It’s good. It’s wonderful. Embrace and love this.


  475.  #476Ags on November 21, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I need help. It’s been 6 months since my boyfriend dumped me with no explanation and I’m still heartbroken. I’ve tried to CD a little bit, but I am so busy with my academics, that it’s hard to make the time and energy. I feel as though I’m living with a huge hole in my heart. I also compare myself to my ex incessantly, and how he must be living a much better life than me. How can I switch my mentality around and claim my self-esteem?

  476.  #477ruth on November 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Ballet does include cardio dominique, as I undestand it??

  477.  #478ruth on November 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Frick, am I weird for doing cardio every day

  478.  #479Mercedes on November 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Happy meditation/visualization/counting to those in the 30 day challenge and to those who simply want to do it:

    Shar lean way back
    Goddess Lily
    Ulii (you did say you wanted to try it, right??)
    Did I miss anyone??

    I will be thinking of all of you and hoping it brings something wonderful to your lives.

    Much Love,

  479.  #480Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    ruth – you are no more weird for doing what you do every day than I am for doing what I do every day, or nearly so. I love my classes, and on the days I can’t get there, most of the time I do yoga.

    I though ballet was not so much cardio as isometric exercise though this gets the heart rate up nicely too. The jumping portion of class is more in fits and starts and not sustained.


  480.  #481Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Ags – This may sound simplistic, but you have to make the choice, the decision to just do it. Immerse yourself in your studies. In your spare time, take up a hobby or some form of exercise you love, or both. Take really good care of yourself, from eating well to taking good care of your skin and hair and wardrobe, dressing to make YOU feel good. When your ex pops into your head, keep pushing those thoughts away, gently but firmly. You need to keep with it.

    If you falter, it’s okay, love on yourself even harder.


  481.  #482ruth on November 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    cardio equals HR up
    weight bearing exercise
    another issue

  482.  #483Goddess Lily on November 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Dominique and Ruth,

    I am a dancer as well and my experience with ballet is it does include cardio. I’m no doctor, but with being healthy in all other aspects of your life, ballet cardio is probably good enough.

  483.  #484ruth on November 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    It *is * amusing when you go to register with a doc

    “do you exercise”
    I run 50 pmw

  484.  #485ruth on November 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    yes ballet has to include cardio doesnt it

  485.  #486Dominique on November 21, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Well Ruth and Goddess Lily, if my numbers look this good at my age, then I must be doing the right thing for me. Ballet is weight bearing in its own way. I do have osteo-penia in the lumbar area but hips are fine, surprisingly since it was broken. I think this is more from having small, thin bones and being thin than anything else. I got two inches taller in the last few years too, deliberately.


  486.  #487sunlight on November 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    I can not stop thinking about the comment that the right man will wait for you to be ready. I think and hope that is what is happening in my situation. I had a traumatic betrayal by my ex. I’ve needed time to heal. I may need more time, but omg I think I am already in love.

  487.  #488sunlight on November 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I feel happy and afraid at the same time.

  488.  #489Ags on November 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Mercedes: what is the 30 day challenge? I might like to join in.

  489.  #490Ags on November 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Dominque: Thank you. It’s a hard decision to “stick to.” I must have the mental fortitude to press forward. I blame myself so much for not being good enough.

  490.  #491sunlight on November 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Indigo – I relate to your comment about feeling pain (and for me DISTRUST also) where none is intended. I feel this even when outward signs show me all is ok.

  491.  #492LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Here I am spending another holiday alone. This time it is different because I am willing and open to be surprised by whatever (and whoever) the universe has in store for me. No despair or worry or anticipation. Just open to being surprised. It feels good not to be in agony anymore.

  492.  #493Starbright on November 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    As far as the cardio conversation…

    What I keep reading about is that cardio sustained at a high rate is needed for the brain.

    There’s an amazing book, “Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain.”

  493.  #494Starbright on November 21, 2012 at 4:40 pm


    What a healthy attitude! I love it! Attitude has so much to do with taking things as an opportunity rather than a poor me attitude. Yay you!

  494.  #495LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 4:42 pm


    I agree about those numbers. It just triggered me because I’m feeling so vulnerable and still reeling from breaking up. I guess I was a prime target for it being in that kind of state of mind.

    If I close my eyes and open my heart those numbers don’t mean anything – it’s the individual. 🙂

  495.  #496LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 4:45 pm


    It’s going okay so far – I’m looking forward to feeling better by the weekend. I soooooooo need this 🙂

  496.  #497LoveAlways on November 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm


    I’m on a self imposed feminine energy marathon!!! staying in my girl as often as I can 🙂

  497.  #498Miss Bells on November 21, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    I could tell that HS didn’t want to do thanksgiving at his house, so I offered my housemates to cook at mine, and invited him. We are down to one housemate and him.

    He started getting squirrelly. “I want to just eat here”
    OK we’ll eat here.
    “And I want prime rib not turkey”
    OK I’ll do prime rib.

    That was on Monday.

    Yesterday I told him i had changed my mind. I already promised Jen I was cooking here. I am not going to make two meals. Dinner is at two. I expect you to bring wine.

    So–he is coming down HERE tomorrow.

    Because of his chronic illness and his nature I can SEE him starting to go into reject mode. Re-friend zoning me.

    SO–NO MORE GOING UP THERE. He can come see ME on my turf. I will be nipping this trend in the bud.

  498.  #499Starbright on November 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm


    You go girl!!!

  499.  #500Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 5:38 pm


    486 – “I got two inches taller in the last few years too, deliberately. ”

    Huh? Is that possible? How?

  500.  #501Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    My latest music artist I like: Brian McFadden

    My favorite song of his: De/mons


  501.  #502Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    I need to seriously sort out the men in my inbox. I need to decide which to contact. Lots of emails just sitting there, like leads getting cold. But I am only one Siren.

    So many men, so little time!

  502.  #503Radlove on November 21, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I feel so much more content at my new house. I like my housemate; my dogs have a bigger fenced in yard than they’ve ever had; I am in the country, in farmland — and there I feel most at home, because I grew up on farms. My rent is lower, and the move is behind me. I am back in my favorite state. It is a new beginning, and I feel excited about new possibilities that are popping in my life!

  503.  #504Annie on November 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Cardio feels easy, just walk faster, it is what our bodies are designed to do. 🙂

    You don’t need that much to keep your heart healthy.

  504.  #505Annie on November 21, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Weight is no indication of healthy heart.

    It’s the fat on the inside of the body that matters.

  505.  #506Vi on November 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    I feel so glad to read about your new beginnings and to know that it all feels good to you, Radlove! It feels like warmth wrapping up my shoulders.

  506.  #507Annie on November 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    447: Mercedes says:

    To be honest, it’s really only the words “it doesn’t exist” that trigger me when I read them. I want to raise my hand and say “ummm….over here…it exists over here…”. I don’t need anyone else to want what I have but I like knowing there are people here who believe it exists in my life and who understand that I’m not out here making up stories or living in a delusional relationship that is about to shatter into a million pieces at any moment if I don’t hurry up a pick a fight with J. LOL!

    Thank you so much for your words of understanding and belief. It really, really means a lot to me. I feel heard and understood and grateful.

    Much Love,

    This is my understanding of belief.
    I believe in a higher power.
    I am not religious, but I do believe in this higher source.
    Others do not believe in this. They believe when we are dead that’s it.
    Neither of us can prove or disprove that higher source. It is down to individual belief.
    And beliefs can and do change.
    So st this moment is time I believe that there is a higher source and that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. And what other people believe is none of my business.

  507.  #508Megan on November 21, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    does “checking in with him to see if you’re on the same page” feel like leaning forward to anyone else?

    I would assume the RR way would be to assume you’re NOT on the same page, since he is not doing it.
    To bring up exclusivity before he asks for it feels forward-leaning as well to me.

    I was just in this situation and felt the same fear and panic (although granted mine had an expiration date)

    I feel very on board with this post but feel surprised by that one bit.

    Does anyone else get me?

  508.  #509Annie on November 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    I get you Megan

  509.  #510MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 7:15 pm


    Before I scroll on…You ARE good enough. Not only are you good enough, you are beautiful, amazing, and wise. You are here, and that’s a giant step in the right direction. Finding love for myself was the best path I have ever walked (I am getting teary here :p) and there’s no one in the world more worth doing this for, than yourself.

    Now. A great start is positive affirmation and recognition of negative voices (or NVs as everyone here calls them). Every day you can tell yourself how beautiful, amazing, incredible you are. And when a NV pops up in your head, feed it a cookie, give it a hug, and tell it you love it, but it is not welcome to stay for longer than a moment. I also used positive visualization and something I call sensation therapy (do something that feels physically amazing – a shower, self touch etc. and focus right down to the tiniest sensations and attempt to hold your focus there). Show all of your feelings love, even the sad and intense feelings. As the more you do this, the easier they are to feel.

    Join the meditation “challenge” with us 😀 this is positive self-care visualization type meditation as often as we possibly can. We want our vibes to go way way up here, and to be feeling really good about ourselves!

    Love to you xxx <3

  510.  #511MissStix on November 21, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Why do cardio?

    Because the heart is a muscle, and like every other muscle in the body it performs best if it is “worked” beyond it’s resting state on a regular basis. It doesn’t need to be extreme, just anything at all is better than nothing.

    Beyond that…Getting your heartrate up also floods the rest of your body, including your brain, with oxygen rich blood (the importance of breathing while exercising), so circulation is also a good reason. You will also be working your diaphragm and expanding your lungs on a regular basis.

    The real question is, why not? What is the argument against cardio exercise?

  511.  #512ruth on November 21, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    I cant think of one

    and , yes absolutely Annie
    You can be fat and fit
    I was

  512.  #513Daria on November 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Triggered I feel cryii trembly from feeling tenses up w fear

  513.  #514Tam on November 21, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    ((((love always))) I am also spending the holiday alone..and I feel so much stronger for doing this. I had plenty of invitations, but I decided to do this for me.

  514.  #515Daria on November 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Cardio hardcore can scar abd possibly Hirt people

    Also ‘marathon runners heart’ seems to be seen as a problematic condition rather than healthy lately…something I don’t necessarily agree w but feel curious to discover more of my own insights about

    I do enjoy having had a cardio workout recently! I feel excited to find I like this new thing

    Jog Rocks from T Tapp does it for me and after I feel that chest pain and after that I feel goooood and fresh

    Remembering this after a time I ran hardcore for the bus and felt excellent for says after

  515.  #516Tam on November 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm