When He’s Come Back – Yet, Not Completely…

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The Question:

Dear Rori, I first heard about you one year ago as I saw an advert for Have The Relationship You Want on the internet. I had just broken up with my boyfriend after 7 years of relationship. I felt really interested and excited and bought your ebook.

I read it bits by bits, then went back to a chapter or another… I started using the tools.

Then, I felt I needed more advice, more explanations… so I bought your Modern Siren program, started practicing the tools with men I was dating but who didn’t really light up a spark in me.

Before I felt I was comfortable practicing your tools and loving myself more, my actual boyfriend arrived in my life, with no warning. It was LOVE at first sight, on both sides. We actually talked to each other 10 years ago, through a dating website, but we never met because I wasn’t emotionally available.

He was but I wasn’t… ironical, isn’t it? Back then we texted for a few weeks, stopped and went on with our own life. I even forgot his name. And 8 months ago, BAM, here he is again 10 years later – all ready to commit to me, urging to be exclusive with me, telling me I am the one he’s been waiting for all of his life, that he wants to spend every second of every day with me, that this time he won’t let me go…

Believe me, Rori, I USED your tools so MUCH (and those from Christian Carter too): feeling messages (erm… what’s difficult for me is I speak French – I had to translate everything into French and I somehow lose some of the power words have in English…), keeping the present moment fun, setting and trusting my boundaries, didn’t try to control anything… and, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for that! The first 6 months of our relationship were magical!

But… yes, there’s a “but”… as weeks and months went by, I felt he was withdrawing – texting less, less love words… it felt more distant… and set aside the fact that as a recently divorced man and father of 2 girls aged 2 and 5, he doesn’t have much time to himself, to recharge his batteries – I realized it was probably my fault.

I was overfunctioning. Overdoing. I felt so insecure, so shaky, I was giving, giving, giving, just to be reassured, for him not to leave me. Everything came from a place of FEAR. And inevitably, before I could realize it and STOP doing, he told me he didn’t know what he wanted anymore, that he was lost and needed some time apart. He even told me he didn’t know if it was a breakup or not.

It hit me like a huge slap in the face. How could we go from “I want you forever” to “I don’t know anymore”?! More than ever, I used your tools. I stopped doing, texting. I focused on my feelings and going through them. I realized I was too involved in our magical romantic relationship and neglected myself and the truth.

When he came to see me and called me a few days later, I didn’t act distant. I didn’t shut down. I used feeling messages and I don’t want to-s and he came back! Strong! The day after our open conversation on the phone, he started texting again, then asking me out again, then acting cute and affectionate again… He told me he had realized he feels love for me and wants to continue together, even if he’s scared (he still has scars from past relationships).

I was happy, of course, and grateful for what you taught me, Rori, but a part of me was still scared. A part of me IS still scared since then.

In the meantime, I bought “Commitment Blueprint” and “Heart Connection Toolkit” The metaphor with the bridge, the pits and everything helps me A LOT. And more specifically, the one with the fountain.

Despite the confinement due to Covid-19, my man came to my place for the weekend. It was a perfect occasion for me to use my new tools: “Rori Raye Dance moves”, “tree trunk” etc. He showered me with love, kisses, great sex – which HE initiated almost all the time – but even in the most romantic moment, he didn’t tell me ” I love you.”

He used to tell me these words quite often before he “freaked out” one month ago but since then, no more. I feel things aren’t the same anymore. He shows me love, hugs me, kisses me, brought me soap because I couldn’t find some at the supermarket even if I didn’t ask (it seems silly but I appreciate it so much!), looks at me intensely… on my side, I keep using “It feels good… I feel good,” I think my vibe was “I love myself and will be OK no matter what…”

I don’t give or do anything anymore, I receive; I don’t call or text – he does every day… BUT I can’t let go of this fear: what if, after all, he sees the relationship – although exclusive – as “casual” when all I want is to be with him for life? Yesterday, he said last weekend was “cool”…

To me, “cool” + no more “I love you” + no more romantic texts = I enjoy the time with you but that is all!

That is where I need your help, dear Rori – I don’t know what to do anymore, how to act or not act, I swear I’m trying to use the tools, to focus on me, loving me… and I still feel sad, and scared. And I don’t know if I can say that to him without necessarily bringing a bigger discussion about “where the relationship is going”… what would be your advice in my specific situation?

I try to remain on my bridge, to visualize my happily ever after, and try to tell myself “Well, if he jumps off my bridge, someone else will be happy to jump on it and lead us where I shine a light on” but it’s not true to me! I only want HIM. Nobody else!

I’m ready to heal what needs to be healed inside of me, to access my “soup” (I’m pretty good at it now!) but I would like to walk up this bridge with this man… the man I love.

I need you Rori, I don’t know where I’m going anymore and start feeling lost in the middle of all these tools and advice.

Please help me 🙂 thank you!

Sending you lots of love, Carli

My Answer:

Carli, there’s a lot here, and I’m so sorry for your pain and frustration – and so PROUD of you for everything you’ve shifted in yourself and your words and actions that has kept this man close!!!!

Now – I’m going to ask you to make some serious changes to what you’re doing – and it’s going to involve Circular Dating – yes! Even now, while we’re all in lockdown isolation!

This is actually the EASIEST way for you to do this!

We are returning to a “courtship” and “friends first” and “get-to-know” basis for relationships and romance now.

This man is confused – and his confusion is truly helped by the way you’re containing your anxiety and stepping back.

And – it’s not enough.

What I hear from you is that you want HIM – and that’s shifting your vibe in a direction that is not helpful to you.

Right now, everyone is feeling the limitations of options – everywhere, in every part of life.

And – we are all having to get used to opening our acceptance “valves” and making the most out of “making do.”

What needs to happen now is a hard, high-stakes conversation with yourself, and perhaps with him, if he ever asks.

What I’d like you to do is find online chats, gaming rooms – anywhere you can see a person on your computer. And I want you to use all your great skills (and you HAVE great skills!) when you talk to these men and women.

I want you to honestly look at how often you see, talk and video Skype or Zoom with this man.

It’s going to come to a point very soon where he cannot “just come visit you.” It will be an important move in a scary time to leave his home to get to you.  And please – do NOT go to him!!!!

Over video Zoom and Skype, you and he can carry on, and he’ll feel you if you keep doing what you’re doing, and he’ll continue to miss you.

Meanwhile, you’ll be talking to men all over the internet.

If you were to have a conversation with this man about “exclusivity” right now – this is where “The No Girlfriend” speech is – and, as he says, he hasn’t quite “said” that you’re his “girlfriend,” anyway.

The reasoning is this: What do YOU get in this situation by being exclusive?

And, if it’s not developing as you’d like – what are your options?

This is a long conversation you can have over live video with a brilliant Rori Raye coach using The Rori Raye Method™ of coaching (very much like you see me do with women on the stage in my programs…).

She will help you decide if you want to get on a dating app and begin talking with other men.  This is how “dating” is working right now, and, it’s kind of amazing.

Men are feeling scared and lonely right now, and they’re reaching out to every woman they’ve ever known – and flooding the dating apps.

Because they can no longer meet you, bed you and say goodbye – they’re now FORCED to talk with you! To get to know you! And – if they like you, they KNOW you’re talking to OTHER men – so they’re FORCED to COURT you!

This is all a feel-good situation for almost every woman right now.

I know it sounds completely wrong for you right now – when you’re focused on this one man – yet it’s your focus that’s causing you so much internal difficulty.

We are all under mighty stress, and it’s hugely important for us to find ways to help ourselves relieve and release it

Spreading your conversations and energy around – Circular Dating – and experiencing good vibes, words, conversations with all kinds of new men online is an awesomely safe way to go about getting the good feelings you need to stay sane.

Because you don’t feel “officially single” – I understand how this sounds so “wrong…” – so I recommend coaching.

The easiest and least expensive way to get coaching right now is through the Siren Circle Private Coaching Program.  You get 3 full sessions, private over video Zoom, with up to 3 great Rori Raye Coaches – PLUS, you get Natalina Love working with you by voice Voxer nearly 24/7 for 4 weeks – for only $279!  You can’t get anything like this anywhere else. If this interests you at all – check out Siren Circle here: ->

My heart goes out to you in this situation – AND – I’m here to tell you that you truly ARE a Modern Siren! You’re using the Tools brilliantly –  and the way I know that is that this man keeps coming closer and closer before he runs away again!

The only downside to this, and to using my Tools, is that it can bring nearly ANY man close!

In other words – you can bring a lot of “not Mr.  Rights” close – so you have a lot of men pursuing you, and you can CHOOSE!

Right now, you have no other choices – and that’s what Circular Dating is for.

Please let me now how this unfolds for you, and we’re here whenever you need us, in the Siren Island Facebook group, and in Siren Circle Private Coaching.

Love, Rori

Follow Up From Carli:

Thank you so so much, Rori; it really helps me understand what I’m doing wrong. You are so right… I just couldn’t focus on him and that’s all.
Fact is that we had a serious discussion in the meantime. I told him it felt really good to be around him but that I feel sad, disconnected and confused as I can feel our relationship is now more « casual » than it used to be and I asked what he was thinking.
He said he was still lost, didn’t know what he really feels for me anymore – love or affection – and that he is absolutely unable to project into the future with me. He needs to figure out his own life as a single dad and isn’t emotionally stable enough for a long term committed relationship.
So I had to tell him I wasn’t ok with it as what I’m looking for is a committed relationship and told him I wanted to stop dating as long as he cannot meet my needs.
It hurts incredibly and I’m crying all the time but for the very first time in my life, and it is also because of you – thank you, I refused to jump off my bridge and follow him into his pits!
I deserve more.
Thank you Rori – it’s time for me to go through my Modern Siren again and start Circular Dating!

My Answer:

Carli, first – you’ve never done ANYTHING “wrong” – it’s not possible!
We have no idea how, down the line, things will shake out.
You may have just opened the door for an amazing man – or even for this man to be ready to be what you want.
This is from a newsletter, and I’m pretty firm on this:
“If you keep going, if you stick with yourself, yet stay totally open and vulnerable – you will have what you want! Once we start “following after” (or even less helpful, “chasing after”) a man exclusively – a  man who is not completely doing the job of being utterly devoted – and block out our other options, we narrow our vision and find ourselves in a tunnel.”
Love, Rori

 

 

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