When He’s “Nice” – How To Make Him More Dangerous

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tangoHere’s a comment I’m going to jump off of – it came from the post about Dangerous or “Nice” men

The Question:

“Rori, I am kind of dating the stereotypical nice guy, low testosterone, borderline feminine/passive, and it’s been a struggle so far.

I do like him a lot as he is so sweet and nice, but he is waiting for me to move the relationship forward and make plans etc., he has even so much as mentioned it and it causes me some frustrations.

He would be very ‘safe,’ but he is so different from the alpha men/ high testosterone driven/ambitious men I used to date, it feels like day and night.

Not bad, just different and on occasion frustrating.

He is getting ‘better’ at initiating, making plans and asking me out, but he will often use feeling messages (much more so than me) and he is clueless as to how to move the relationship forward (and has said so much). Tina”

 My Answer:

Tina –  your situation is exactly what I want us to explore.

I would definitely see how the sexuality works – if he has any libido or drive for that at all. Some very feminine-seeming men actually have good sex drives and are good AT sex.

manflowersbehindbackThis situation requires creativity on your part.

Meaning – really getting down into what YOU like, what turns YOU on – rather than what we all normally do, which is sort of “wait” for some guy to “show” us what we want.

This is about owning and claiming your own desires, expressing them, working through the fear of them…

AND – it requires some research.

Not only into YOU – but into what’s available out there for you to learn.

Often – the key to the whole masculine/feminine thing is in the sex. Not the “doing” of it – because all kinds of “life” can get in the way of the “doing” – but in the wanting, in the intention, in the initiation, in the follow through, in the enthusiasm, in the desire.

We women, once we free ourselves up and work our way nutritionally and physically through times of low libido, have a naturally high interest in sex. Touch is just huge for us.

Men who have a “hormonally” high feminine side, may not have the same testosterone-driven libido we’ve come to think of as exciting – but they may have a high “connection-driven” libido – a desire to get close to you.

And that, with a bit of research and know-how, can be easily translated into “hot”! Because all you really need from him is a “desire to learn – with great enthusiasm.”

This man is not only “trainable,” he’s “inspirable.”

Another kind of man may not be so easy, though.

This second man has low self-esteem, is worried about maintaining an erection and doesn’t want to take Viagra or do anything health-wise that would improve things – and so sees sex as a “chore.”

This man is so focused on his own body he can hardly see you, and anything you bring to him to learn, try, experience is likely to be met with fear.

Yes, he may be into you, he may want to be close to you, but he has no willingness to be trained, inspired or to leap over what feels like a great chasm to him.

So many women these days are encountering this second type of man – and often in the form of their own husband of many years! Things about him when he was younger, that did not affect him in sex, now take center stage.

Now, all his personal doubts and instincts to “withdraw” show up in force because he’s more frightened of failing, and less driven by his body to go past his comfort zone.

It’s THIS man you want to explore, try out, and really get to know before you commit.

What you need in this life is a PARTNER. Someone willing to take the journey into the woods with you.

A willingness to see himself differently, and to behave differently, driven by his love for you and a desire for closeness and partnership.

Everything changes over time. The one thing that makes it work no matter what is an ability and desire to “partner.”

This is what you want to find out about in this man. Is he willing to step up now, while this is new – and yet, will he be unwilling later, when things get more challenging?

Give him time, give him a chance – and look for the willingness, the enthusiasm, the inspirability, the learnability.

Love, Rori

 

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70 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on July 21, 2016 at 9:55 pm

    yes! fukin yes!!



  2.  #2Waterfall on July 22, 2016 at 3:52 am

    Hello Sirens,

    I am just posting this here again because I’m not sure if anyone saw it.

    I haven’t been on the blog for ages because I have been so unbelievably depressed. I’ve had many days where I could barely get out of bed. My life has come crashing down around me….

    All that I have built up and lived for seems to be slowly slipping away from me and I feel terrified. Sometimes I have thought of suicide. More times than I have wanted to.

    Normally I am a lover of life. It has been painful for me.

    I just wanted to believe that I was “right” and that love would win the day.

    But I was wrong.

    I’m finding it hard to come to terms with what has happened and the fact that I was so blind to this man and I let myself be manipulated by him.

    It’s like I suddenly see the light, but boy it’s taken a long time coming….

    I would just like some advice. Some inspiration. Some hope for my future because I feel so bewildered and confused…

    From yesterday:

    I am just popping by to update you on my life.

    Well, I have been having an extremely tough time of it lately. I have wanted to come to this blog and vent but I have been too upset and tormented.

    Anyway, here’s my latest revelations and reasons not to let a man back into your life once you have parted ways.

    I don’t know if people know but I had been on and off seeing a man for about 3 years. The first year was okay but there were a lot of problems with him and I ended up finishing the relationship. He didn’t seem committed and the relationship felt like it was going no-where.

    Well, he pursued and pursued me but still never really offered me anything. Occasionally out of emotional blackmail I would see him, but all too soon things would go back to the way they were and pretty quickly I felt trapped in the whole scenario of this on again, off again relationship. Mainly because I also had trouble finding anyone else that I felt so comfortable with. I could not let go.

    Because I loved him, I guess, I let him keep coming back and I gave him chance after chance, even though things did feel very off to me. I could never quite put my finger on what it was that was wrong.

    In principle he seemed to idolise me, and always told me how amazing he thought I was and that I was the love of his life, etc. etc..

    Anyway, to cut a long story short I have recently found out that he has been leading a double life and behind the scenes he now has a baby and possibly girlfriend (though he denies he is with the woman).

    The situation has completely ripped me apart as for the most part me and him were getting on a lot, lot better and was starting to see the possibility of future for us.

    I think what all this has thrown up for me is why was I with this man who was offering me so little?? Why couldn’t I move on….

    I think the answer is this: I am possibly a-sexual. I struggle to feel chemistry and attraction to almost anybody, this is why I was hanging on so desperately to him.

    I meet some lovely men, who would offer me the world. But for some reason I am not interested. I feel so confused because really for all of this time I have been in love with an unavailable man.



  3.  #3Indigo on July 22, 2016 at 5:08 am

    ((Waterfall))

    You are not alone. I’m sure there are many, many women who have found themselves in this kind of situation, myself included. We all have our own reasons for staying, and our own things to learn from these relationships. I really find it helps not to beat ourselves up or torture ourselves with the question of “why” did I stay for so long, because as I said, you had your reasons for staying, reasons which made perfect sense to you at the time, rational reasons. There is no shame in this. At the same time, it is important to ask ourselves why from the point of view of, what can I learn from this? What signs did I miss and where did I behave in ways and make decisions that were not in my best interests? So that you do not fall into those traps in future.

    Personally, the sort of advice I always give to people in these situations is you need to decide what you want. In very practical terms. Only you can answer what that is. Start visualising it, take practical steps to get those things for yourself, point your life in that direction.

    I know you feel like you loved this man and he loved you, and maybe you did in your own way. But love without trust is non-existent, because intimacy and vulnerability cannot exist without trust. So I would suggest what it is in you that is resistant to the idea of being vulnerable and intimate with another person, that would make you choose someone who would give you “pseudo-love” but never ask you to get out of your comfort zone. I suspect when you solve that problem your sexuality will come back too.



  4.  #4Indigo on July 22, 2016 at 5:10 am

    * I would suggest you find out what it is in you



  5.  #5Femininewoman on July 22, 2016 at 5:38 am

    Waterfall I had read it but didn’t comment because I believe you are quite clear on your role in facilitating what happened.

    ” I let myself be manipulated by him” – as such you can’t blame him. Ask yourself always “why am I here”?

    “never really offered me anything”

    “why was I with this man who was offering me so little??”

    Here is where your work is in my humble opinion:-

    “I meet some lovely men, who would offer me the world. But for some reason I am not interested”

    What is your belief about yourself and your worthiness about having better. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself I am worthy as you feel into your body, your hear and your soul and see what comes up for you. This not about that man or any ,man for that matter. It is about you and what you tolerate.



  6.  #6Waterfall on July 22, 2016 at 5:56 am

    Indigo

    Thanks, It is very difficult because it is a horrible mess with this man.

    He tells me that he realises he has done the wrong thing and does not love this woman, but loves me. Also he tells me that all his problems related to him wanting a child and he knew that I didn’t but he didn’t want to lose me either.

    In all honesty I am torn.

    I still love him. It would be so much easier if he had just told me he had met someone else and that he was moving on.

    He tells me he has made a dreadful mistake.

    I don’t know what to do….



  7.  #7Waterfall on July 22, 2016 at 5:58 am

    Feminine Woman

    Thank you for your wonderful response.

    I know you are right.

    I think deep down I must thrive on the challenge because I can’t let go.

    I wish I could change but I feel it is too late now.



  8.  #8Azure Blu on July 22, 2016 at 10:13 am

    WOW Indigo#3 and Feminine Woman#5
    What wonderuful Siren answers and insights!!!
    I am drinking your wisdom and kind words into my soul!!!
    Yes… just YES!!!
    I feel very grateful that I am privileged to be able to read these words today!
    oxoxo



  9.  #9Femininewoman on July 22, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Waterfall – I can’t let go

    I just sense that you believe this lie very deeply. Rori has tools like holding sand in your hand and letting it slip through your fingers as you visualize the man/the relationship to help us baby step our way to letting go energetically first. “Can’t let go” is such a like our minds tell us



  10.  #10Tatia Dee on July 23, 2016 at 6:32 am

    Totally awesome post on a hot topic Rori.
    Sharing with Love.

    Tatia Dee 😀



  11.  #11Angela on July 23, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Oh waterfall. I feel your pain. And your confusion.
    When you said this something felt moved inside me: “not to let a man back into your life once you have parted ways”
    I don’t know why but that’s what happened?
    What helped for me, being in a relationship for 3 years where I couldn’t trust the man and we had crazy stupid fights, when he left I nearly died well felt like dying. I was just barely surviving. The nights alone felt almost impossible to survive, but I circular dated, went out with friends, and stopped contact with him.
    It made me see things soooo clear. Was he really the man I though he was?
    No. We both were imperfect.
    Maybe that can help a little separation for now so you can see things clearly.
    I’m sending you love.
    You can and will get through this!



  12.  #12Angela on July 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

    What a turn off when a mans attention is not coming towards a woman.
    I discovered I need more, a lot more.
    Seeing this guy who wants me to contact him feels weird, I feel off balance.
    My excitement diminished.
    It feels a little sad. He says we are past the point of chasing one another.
    Not sure that’s how I feel.
    Also he mentioned to me that me going out to bars to get drinks to dance in an environment where men would be, would be not tolerated if we moved forward In a relationship.
    He admitted jealousy is his biggest
    flaw.
    At least he’s honest, but this feels weird to me now.
    Too much demands on me too soon.
    Do I want this?
    Idk no matter how good he says he is as a man and loyal.
    I feel turned off now. How do I get my excitement back.
    Also my ex came back in the picture I’m not sure if that’s why I am confused we talked he said he regretted leaving, he made a dumb decision I was his first love…
    Hmm I am confused and you know what it’s ok to be confused.
    It’s ok to be turned off by this new man.
    I want attention, affection, time.
    Is that too much to ask for.
    I wish I could get my feelings back, all the excitement I felt for him.
    I guess rori is right when love is not coming towards a woman it’s so easy to get turned off. How does one keep it alive, when this is how a man says he is. He likes me but doesn’t feel the need to reach out? To give him credit we do talk at least once a day.
    Man why am I used to more.
    It feels good to express my self here.
    Why am I scared of losing him?
    Why am I all over the place?
    What do I want?



  13.  #13Angela on July 23, 2016 at 11:06 am

    Why am I not a goddess that says
    ” ok well this is not enough for me I’m choosing to not see you anymore, I don’t know. I have so many options with men; handsome great men that I won’t sweat leaving you, I am beautiful and I deserve love, attention and yes you say you care, but it doesn’t feel right to me I need you to be crazy into me for me to proceed, I want you to be crazy into me, so I can be into you, I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when you call, I want to have good moments so I can like you more”
    Oh I want to be come that woman?
    Would that be too hard?
    Is that woman too demanding?



  14.  #14Grace on July 23, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Angela – I don’t have tons of options and many lovely men wanting to give me everything, but I’m discovering it is STILL better to walk away from the crazymaking relationship that isn’t meeting my needs and doesn’t feel right.
    It has been very, very difficult to sit through the moments of feeling overwhelmed by pain, desperation and loneliness…and at the end of the day, I’ve been here with me all along and not engaging in something that eats away at my soul.



  15.  #15Grace on July 23, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    I feel amused with how cheeky the universe can be. 🙂 We’ve heard how, once we get a lesson and make a decision, sometimes it comes back around a couple of times almost as if to ask, “are you really sure?”, right?
    Well, after Lanky, I asked for EVEN EASIER lessons…and first, there was a Tinder guy in a “complicated” marriage, who I immediately stopped talking to. Not 2 days later, a man I sometimes work with asked me on a date, and I agreed. Another co-worker mentioned he is married so I asked him about it.
    The man pulled up a chair and spent the NEXT HOUR explaining his situation to me and saying explicitly and directly, in no uncertain terms, that he has NOTHING TO OFFER ANYONE. Over, and over and OVER he told me, “I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER. I want to be honest and up front about that.” Then later he texted me a few times to give me a chance to opt out.
    At first I was like…ummm, yeah, it’s just us playing pool…it isn’t that serious…
    Then I thought, well, dang, how obvious does the universe need to be? So I took his generous offer to opt out and laughed and laughed about it. 😀



  16.  #16Angela on July 23, 2016 at 5:21 pm

    For me, as of now, it is hard to tell whether someone has good intentions or not. Am i pulling back because of my own fear of intimacy or is this a real red flag?
    Hmm i choose to try, just try, and trust that this world supports me no matter what is next.
    Even if i mess up big time. Even when everyone is telling me that my next move is wrong. I trust that whatever is next will help me grow. Maybe i haven’t learned all i need to learn.
    Maybe i cant be strong as of now. Maybe i dont want to. Maybe in all this confusion i will discover what i most need. maybe i will be able to walk away powerfully one day, but maybe that day is not now.
    I love the feeling of loving myself no matter what. I like trusting myself that feels better than fear to me; better Than punishment. I punish myself too much . I was punished shamed too much when i was young i dont want that anymore . And now i feel i am touching my sadness. I want to love openly without rules… I dont want to strategize anymore but trust that this world has my back that i deserve happiness. I do! Accepting myself is so good for me.



  17.  #17April Rose on July 24, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    Angela,
    Your expression of your feelings here is very clear. I can feel you totally.
    I just loved reading you write, “I discovered I need more, a lot more.”
    That’s it, sweet siren. There’s your marker.
    What would it look and feel like to stand tall and ever so lightly say “Next”, and keep meeting and dating and feeling, until that ‘rightness’ happens. That click between two people that is beyond chemistry, beyond wishing it coud be different/ better/more.
    When there is no more wishing or self-questioning or worrying about losing him… that’s when you’ve found your man.



  18.  #18April Rose on July 24, 2016 at 3:33 pm

    I’m discovering more and more that the trick is in keeping myself light and sweet in my interactions with actual men.
    Men with faces.
    I’m reminding myself often to keep my dreams, my desires, my wishing/hoping OFF any actual person. It is not easy. Something in me wants to see each next man I meet as ‘the one’.

    My ideal relationship feels like x,y,z (add your own qualities and sensations here).
    It is unfair to myself and to another person if I put the image of a man with a face (i.e. a man I know personally and wish he was my beloved) onto the vision I am holding for my happy ever after.
    Ladies, lets not do it to an actual person (with a face!) until he shows up as the person who fits our life and who has proved his deepest heart to ours.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on July 25, 2016 at 7:13 am

    April Rose#18
    I have found the very same thing. when I am visualizing my Mr. Right…
    the face is blurry but the actions, the kindness and adoration
    he is showing me in my visualizing is all very specific..
    His light hearted, masculine way…
    his protection of me and the harmony I feel is WONDERFUL.

    I have shared with Spirit what I do want… that We both deserve to be able to express at least some of our passion for our beliefs… and that I understand he is a ballroom dancer and that it feels ok for him to go out dancing without me… but this doesnt feel fine for me…
    Why should he give that up?
    We have seen each other during the weekend… but no spending the night…

    Conscious uncoupling feels good to me… to slowly and lovingly let go…
    When I’m ready…



  20.  #20Azure Blu on July 25, 2016 at 7:22 am

    Grace #15
    Hurray!!! Hurray!!! When I opt for self care—
    instead of ignoring My need for compassion, tenderness
    and honest connections
    Self Care has lead to caring, honest, much better quality men…

    I can see how I am WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
    with men who ARE NOT super charismatic… not able to commit
    A throw back to my father…

    Baby steps… I am visualizing being with a man who CAN
    be close, intimate… CAN talk about our relationship!
    Mmmmmm…. it feels like He is getting closer…

    When I read your posts Grace… I can see your Mr. Right is
    getting closer also!!!
    Kisses and hugs!



  21.  #21Azure Blu on July 25, 2016 at 7:36 am

    I LOVE what Indigo shared in #3
    “So I would suggest what it is in *YOU* that is resistant to the idea
    of being vulnerable and
    intimate with another person,
    that would make you choose someone
    who would give you “pseudo-love”
    but never ask you to get out of your comfort zone.

    It feels EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me
    to take down
    MORE of my wall of protection
    from even MORE YUMMIE, EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

    I can remember when Spirit and I met
    I had found that Wall of protection in me…
    My Fear of vulnerability – (it felt like weakness)
    I had NOT seen it before…
    and that is when I started slowly practicing
    taking the bricks down
    One by One… Ahhh the free therapy – from our CDs -that Rori talks about!

    and NOW -I think – my soul is ready for the next chapter
    of pushing through my comfort Zone
    to even GREATER LOVE – ME loving ME MORE!!!

    Can you imagine Azure, even better than how you feel
    now???



  22.  #22MissStix on July 25, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Lovely processing here. 🙂



  23.  #23Victoria on July 25, 2016 at 7:52 am

    Azure,
    I always love to see your name here. What is the thing with the ballroom dancing? I must that missed that post?
    Has he gone ballroom dancing without you?



  24.  #24MissStix on July 25, 2016 at 8:12 am

    I feel the dark sticky muck creeping up again and i’m ready to let it up and out and not push it all down again. I’ve been playing with a feeling-visualization allowing this ooze to float out towards my edges and seep out as if through a membrane.
    It feels so incredibly uncomfortable and I notice intense physical anxiety. I feel hot and red and typhoons washing through my core.
    Skin crawling.
    So i’m playing with releasing little bits at a time. I feel comfortable with this taking time.
    I want to believe that this physical being is capable of coming from pure love.
    I feel sadness for that girl. I don’t want to judge her for the choices she made. Not even she knows why. Some part of her feels horribly dark. Dark matter… Not interacting with light.
    I feel separate from her and yet she is within me… An oddity. A stranger. Yet she is a part of me. I was her. I don’t want to go on denying her and yet I want to touch her with warm rays of light. I want her to pass on through me and into the sunshine where she can dissipate and become part of it all. Where it’s not frightening anymore because there is no good or bad there just is everything and everything is valuable.
    I feel tension, resistance. Stretch to actively release it.



  25.  #25Azure Blu on July 25, 2016 at 10:53 am

    MissStix #24
    hugss to you and your vulnerable sharing with us…

    I don’t know if you have done the Stranger worksheet in Rori’s Toxic Men series?

    It was one process that has helped me harness the POWER of my dark, raging angry self…
    Rori mentions visualizing my Stranger –
    Stranger goes from being EXTREMEly large and VERY ugly and RAGING – to smaller and more friendly… but what changed my anger over the past 3 years is visualizing me going to my Strangers door… knocking and asking if We can be friends and (it was frieghtening at first) then telling her how happy we both can be if we work together… that I admire her power and courage and I am sorry that I have ignored her for soo many years!!! I do this off and on as my raging, scary feelings come up…
    My Stranger (her name is Lydia) has helped me so much and no longer is as intimidating…



  26.  #26Tee on July 25, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Ahh ladies. I’m feeling so weird lately. I feel like my intimacy issues have decided to stop knocking at the front door & just come in through the basement window. I feel weird yet I feel liberated, I feel sad yet grateful that I have a partner who loves me.

    He (probably) thinks I’m nuttier than a fruit cake but he continues to mirror me (pisses me off), anger me & teach me. We totally SUCK at communicating. I’m only slightly better at it than he is. I tend to wait until things build & then I go off like a bomb. We hashed out a few things this weekend. It got to a point where I just had to laugh. Sometimes life is comical that way.

    Here’s my question…if I’m understanding it all correctly…we’re supposed to lean back to allow our man to move forward. What if your man has stated that he would appreciate some leaning forward on your part?

    Knowing me, I did the lean forward wrong. According to E, I don’t talk to him but I can be on the computer/cellphone. I don’t make plans with him, etc. So, I’m getting the impression that he sees this as my not being too interested in him. So he makes his own plans without me. And this is where the cycle begins. He assumes (makes sense why he would right?) I’m not interested so he goes off on his own.

    I assume he’s not interested BECAUSE he just went off on his own.

    So we have 2 people communicating badly, making assumptions & accusations all over the place. I guess I’m wondering if its “OK” to take part in SOME of his suggestions? I really don’t wanna get back into chasing behavior. Is this what he’s saying? He wants to be chased? Or that he wants EQUALITY? Where he’s not the only person making plans & providing the entertainment.

    I’m confused & nervous. I’ve been trying to cultivate my own identity here. I get so easily sucked back into those brown eyes & dimples. (Our son has them too) LOL I’m so weak!!!!

    Ugh I’m stuck in my head & annoying lol



  27.  #27Grace on July 25, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    Aww, Azure Blu, my heart feels all ripe and squishy for you right now! I feel so much respect and admiration for your courage in being true to yourself.



  28.  #28Azure Blu on July 26, 2016 at 5:50 am

    Victoria #23
    I thought I had answered your sweet post yesterday… but must have forgotten to hit Submit!!!??? :-))

    Thank you for your warm words!!! I really love seeing you here also
    and reading your words of wise insights!!!

    Yes, for the past 2 months Spirit has been going out dancing without me… in my town we have MANY summer festivals and bands playing most nights….
    sometimes he has asked me to go with him and I’ve been too busy (we go out dancing together many times) he isn’t working much this summer and I work at least 8 hours a day…
    At first I wasn’t sure how I felt… then he said… “I can tell this is bothering you.” I wont’ dance when i go out” I felt so good about that!!!

    Then he went Ballroom dancing —which he claims means nothing… everyone asks anyone to dance… it’s just practice for everyone… and I do know that is true…
    BUT – I still don’t like it…
    and I tried going out without him and I DID NOT enjoy going out and dancing (not ballroom dancing) without him… I have been single for 20 years why would I want to go out alone when I have a boyfriend!??
    Anyway… certainly don’t want him to give up going out ballroom dancing if that’s what he wants to do…
    I think if this was our ONLY issue… We could figure out how to work through this…
    BUT – added the basic extreme differences in things we both are passionate about
    Politics AND religion… and Him wanting to convince EVERYONE they are wrong…
    it’s too much…



  29.  #29Azure Blu on July 26, 2016 at 6:01 am

    (((Tee)))
    You sound wonderful… I know you are feeling confused
    but you always have such a grounded way of searching out what may be going on
    How YOU are Feeling…
    You have come so VERY far… It is sounding like you have changed the dynamics with
    your mother and your sister… that is huge…
    and also with you and your son and E…
    I do so admire how you both hang in there…
    try one approach… flow with it… then try another approach… and flow with that…
    I know Dominique always says if we keep checking in with how WE are feeling
    and the BALANCE in the relationship and
    then just simply try DIFFERENT things… leaning back, leaning forward (but NOT too much)

    I know it is a constant observing the balance in my relationships… not just with my bf…
    I think it is the needy vibe vs. the vulnerable but Strong on the Inside – Soft on the Outside
    that keeps the leaning forward (but never too much) less masculine and controlling…

    Wonder what other Sirens think about what you have asked…
    Love to hear their take on this…



  30.  #30Femininewoman on July 26, 2016 at 6:44 am

    Tee the way I read it is that he wants to feel needed. I wonder what role he wants to be assigned in the relationship?



  31.  #31Tee on July 26, 2016 at 6:45 am

    (((Azure)))

    I love when you stop by. I’m sure we all do. Yes, dynamics are changing & they are not comfortable at all. I think I’m still hopeful for a formula that’ll fix everything but that isn’t the case. My E is such a dynamic force that he has to be dealt with head-on & I often don’t have time to put on my seat-belt lol

    I feel so many things. I’m so grateful that I have so much ROOM within this relationship to explore everything that my heart desires. Ok well not EVERYTHING lol yet I’ve been so tight for so long that I guess I’m afraid of venturing too far. Afraid that I’ll lose myself or lose E.

    He always tells me that I have the exact same freedom, options, etc….as he does.

    I’m not limited by anything, he’s certainly not the one limiting me…and he’s not going anywhere.

    Yes, we are trying different approaches but mainly no one can “Help” me but me. I’ve been going out a little more, talking more to friends instead of online, buying new outfits, etc. That’s all fine but as we so often say…it’s the VIBE. What VIBE am I giving off?

    Anyways lol my temp job is still pretty cool. Just trying to figure MYSELF out without driving everyone crazy in the process



  32.  #32Tee on July 26, 2016 at 6:50 am

    #30 FW

    Good Question! I prefer, so far, when he leads. I don’t question his affection as much when he’s actively planning things.

    Seems like now he’s needing what I needed so he’s seeking validation through being “pursued”?

    I’m really not trying to fall into that hole again. I mean I get that we all wanna feel wanted, needed, desired but I see where my mistake was in making him my entire world. His wants, his needs, etc.

    I would rather not do that again while I’m still so new at getting myself from under him lol

    Isn’t there an alternative?



  33.  #33Victoria on July 27, 2016 at 12:47 am

    Azure,
    Dancing is a very special activity. Dancing as a couple always implies, or at least is a metaphore for, the male-female interaction. The only other activity which reminds me of it is acting, when a male actor and an actress play a romantic scene. Mind you, the actors do it professionally, so at least theoretically, they might have to act romantically against someone who they do not find attractive. When you go out dancing, especially ballroom dancing, you are choosing, out of your free will, to engage meta-romantically (I just made this one up :-), but you get what I mean) with one or more persons of the opposite s*x. So, how can this activity not be loaded? What I find strange in the whole story is that Spirit ever imagined that you would be ok/indiffrent to this. I mean, at this age, he must have had enough interactions with women, to figure out that no girlfriend of his would like it. So, I think he is playing dumb. And, I think he is pissed off with you, because he is seeing that you are one foot out of the relationship, and is seeking to make you jealous. And, I know from experience, that is creates tension, and, for good or bad, a strong pool of attraction between two people. I am sending you love and hugs.



  34.  #34Azure Blu on July 27, 2016 at 7:01 am

    Victoria #33
    Holy sh**t cakes Bat Man!! You have, once again, nailed it!!
    He totally believes that making Me jealous drives me back to him…
    he has been using this “tactic”, and admitting it, for the past 2 years…

    You are sooo right… He’s been dating for years… I’m sure All of his gf disliked his going out dancing without them…

    You have given me insight that I needed to continue to lean back… and OUT!
    THANK YOU for Your thoughtful heart… you’ll never know how much it means to me.
    oxoxoxo….. kisses and hugs darling Siren!



  35.  #35Azure Blu on July 27, 2016 at 7:11 am

    (((Tee))))
    Lovely Siren… Your changes are mind boggling… your ability to interpret and practice the Rori Tools spark new energy in me!!!

    I too struggle with keeping the balance of staying engaged and leaning back…
    I have found that asking what he means by “You don’t make plans.”?
    Also I have found that my Vibe has/is changing by visualizing my heart unzipped when I am around my bf and leaning back… thinking about All the things I Love about “Him”… this makes my vibe accepting and kind and warm.
    and visualizing a space between him and I with my heart unzipped – me leaning back
    leaving space for him to step into.

    I must say, YOU are doing so GREAT with the Rori tools… you have MUCH to teach ME!!!



  36.  #36Tee on July 27, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Thanks Azure!

    I do feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark sometimes. These intimacy issues are a doozy. They’re so cunning & clever. They hide out in the most darkest inaccessible corners of my brain. E feels that I just sit around waiting for him to provide the entertainment. Why don’t I say…Hey let’s go here or Let’s do this?

    In truth, I’m afraid that he won’t want to. I ASSUME that he won’t want to. We talked about that so he’s like….But you don’t even ASK! True, I don’t.

    My fear. The little scared girl has decided that he’s not interested (despite AAAALLL evidence to the contrary) sooo I pretty much sit quietly in the house looking for more evidence of his not caring.

    On the flip side, he wants me to develop outside interests/friendships. I keep saying that I will. I have very few friends & sadly I haven’t SEEN most of them in over a year. I did hang out with one of them last weekend so that’s a start. My only social interaction has been online & with the same few people that I see everyday; family, folks at the daycare, etc.

    As you can imagine, this doesn’t/hasn’t helped but I wasn’t seeing this for what it really was. E thinks that I don’t go anywhere or do anything because I’m too busy watching him to see if he does anything wrong/is unfaithful. He’s tired & puzzled.

    Something interesting happened recently too. I shut down my Facebook for about 4 days. What I discovered was that I had no “life” outside of Facebook. I found myself feeling really antsy. I could have logged back on but I was committed lol. The sad parts of this is that, my phone didn’t ring not once & no one even seemed to notice that I was gone. (except E of course)

    Sad, this is truly sad. So I need to assign a few people to be my accountability partners. Someone who is gonna FORCE ME to do things outside of E & the baby. I’m considering going back to the gym &/or some tennis lessons. Yet my mind keeps trying to scare me again.

    Telling me that I need to be available to E or the baby. I can’t be AWAY from them or else.

    This is so maddening & sad LOL so ridiculously sad!



  37.  #37Azure Blu on July 27, 2016 at 9:28 am

    Tee… LOVE your processing here…
    I have noticed that friendships have their ebbs and flows…

    Sometimes I have plenty of friends… and then not so many…
    When I was raising my children with my ex… we had many couple friends… (12 years)
    and then… when he left- no child support – i was dedicated to raising them and a passion for my job (graphic designer)
    I had friends while they were younger in my nieghborhood.
    Then as they got older… I was working 2-3 jobs and both had sports they needed to get to
    I had zero friends but had folks at work I saw daily…
    Dated off and on… lots of heart aches so STOPPED dating for 7 years

    yeah… loneliness… even in a relationship- is a struggle we all feel…
    and strategize how to find more friends, how to keep good people around us…
    When to let go
    cultivate my own passions – Not just for Mr. Right but I notice it attracts better friends also!

    Over the past year I let go of 4 friends (from different groups)… they had become toxic… maybe cause I have grown… blossomed
    and LOVE ME more… I saw things I hadn’t noticed before, personality traits not good for ME.

    Letting go– I missed the good parts of them… the good times… I tried different ways of sharing my feelings, setting my boundaries kindly… but I have a choice… if things don’t change
    I can leave…

    yes… us cultivating our passions… affordable ways to make ME happy!
    I want to learn another language
    Learn the “Cup song” and how to use that cup!!! :-))
    AND paint my kitchen and bathroom!!



  38.  #38Tee on July 27, 2016 at 10:47 am

    Oh yes, I am definitely noticing the ebb & flow of this relationship.

    Its fascinating and a little lonely to not know many couples personally who have successfully navigated their relationship.

    Sometimes I don’t know if its determination or just plain laziness that’s keeping us together LOL I’m kidding

    My mistake was making E my life. I have no passion outside of him. Or at least that WAS the case. I feel like I’m starting from scratch. Trying this & that to see if it sparks anything else within me. He is too deeply embedded into my brain. I use him to distract myself. I sit around sucking up (and getting jealous) of his adventures yet I don’t have many of my own.

    I’ve done what was comfortable & I retreat once I start getting edgy. I do feel lonely sometimes but I feel its a self-induced loneliness. I feel like I miss our connection, but that’s possibly self-induced as well.

    I dont think he’s trying to get me to do ALL of the work…I think he’s trying to just get me to come out of this victimhood.

    Whenever I get mad because he did something without me…he says Well, you can too.
    Whenever I get insecure over his friends…he’s like Well, where are your friends? When was the last time you spoke to Nicole?
    I might get mad because he didn’t call when I thought he would…or whatever…he always lets me know that I have the exact same options/choices that he has but that I choose to do nothing about it because I’m stuck on him & the baby or whatever else.

    Yeah lol I get “mad” alot when it seems like anything in his life isn’t revolving around our family

    So I’m in the process of finding accountability partners to PUSH me to do more things for myself

    I can’t be trusted to do this alone, unfortunately



  39.  #39MissStix on July 27, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    Tee

    A lot of what you’re saying resonates me. I have friends that i’m sort of in touch with yet I don’t see them a lot. I’m a bit introverted. I find my own company or the company of one person more energizing.

    I felt stuck and lonely and had similar conversations with my bf.
    The most beneficial approach for me was to see coming up with adventures as an adventure in and of itself and to celebrate each little adventure.

    Do you like water, forests, city lights, fresh breezes, maybe even rain on your face… ? Anything can be an opportunity to gain energy from being out there somewhere.
    Sit on a beach for a while, take a walk, lay in the grass at the park and watch the bugs going about their lives. Anything 🙂
    Then come back to the blog and write about all the things you felt, heard, saw, tasted. Really get into curiosity for everything around you and practice absorbing uplifting energy and also releasing it into the world around you.

    You asked about your vibe…
    If there is anything off in your frequencies this will tune it up.

    It may not fix a relationship there is a lot more to it than this obviously yet it’s a really good start for you just to feel connected to yourself and other things.



  40.  #40MissStix on July 27, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    We have plans to go camping this weekend.
    We may or may not find an open spot so it’s not guaranteed yet I feel so excited to try.
    I want to feel the trees around me and sit by the fire and poke logs. I want to burn some of my old photos and release them to the wilds of the universe. I want to fully embrace what feels like another new chapter in my life.
    Ahh I love being in nature 🙂

    Today I feel low, tired a bit sad. I’m pressuring myself to be something i’m just not feeling currently. I do feel excited for some time off and being in the woods…



  41.  #41Tee on July 28, 2016 at 5:49 am

    #39 MissStix,

    Yup, I’m definitely an introvert but I’m learning to embrace being a little more extroverted.

    Seems like I have no choice. I have a 2 year old son & he is very much an active social little boy. As much as I’d like to stay home with a good book & a cup of tea LOL I don’t always get to do that. Maybe I “shouldn’t” do so much of that? Seems like when I’m alone…I get stuck inside my head. My thoughts revolve around my fiance constantly. When I’m a little more active, I feel a little less stuck.

    Not getting much alone time these days unless I’m at work. Then my thoughts start to travel again towards my fiance. I swear I need a lobotomy LOL



  42.  #42Tee on July 28, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Ok so yesterday, I feel like I dodged a bullet in a way. Most days I try to get home a few minutes early so that I can change & then go get my son so I can take him to the park. The day before, E had told me what his schedule was so I said Ok, cool. I get home yesterday & he’s still home, which I wasn’t expecting. He’s home drinking, smoking & playing Candy Crush. No work today?, I asked. No response.

    I come back from the bathroom. I try again. What’s wrong with you? Again, no response. He heads back towards the other room, slightly closing the door.
    I knew that something had happened. I was so mad & so tempted to run after him, kick the door open & let him have it!
    Didn’t we JUST have a conversation the other day about ME not talking to him or being communicative? Now here I was, trying to see what was wrong…and he was shutting me out.

    I felt hurt & dismissed. I realized that I didn’t have time for his shenanigans, I had to get our boy. So I left but of course HE was on my mind.
    As usual, I wanted to know what was wrong…I wanted to fix it. I wanted to be freed from the uncomfortable feeling of NOT KNOWING exactly what was going on with him. I wanted to know for sure that it wasn’t me. My mind/heart/whatever…always tells me that its me.

    Hard to NOT feel like its ME sometimes when he complains about the dumbest things. Or what I consider dumb.
    Anyways, he remained silent & aloof all day. Caving I suppose. He came out long enough to play with our son, give him hugs and kisses before going back into the cave. I did my best to ignore him.

    I want to master this situation. I called him this morning to ask that he replace my beer. He ALMOST baited me into an argument stating that I dont always replace HIS beer & I sounded like I had an attitude about it (man, this dude has a PhD in PETTY lol) Actually, I made sure not to use the word REPLACE…I asked he could pick me up a beer today. Before I got roped into that debacle…I slowly backed up, used a softer sillier voice. Then I thanked him. (shrug)

    Give me STRENGTH….sheesh



  43.  #43MissStix on July 28, 2016 at 11:43 am

    Tee

    You did the best thing anyone can do in that situation… Walk away and do your thing.



  44.  #44Tee on July 28, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    #43 MissStix

    Yeah, another argument would not have been good. I just had fun with our son & left it at that

    I’m beginning to give some thought to how I’m unknowingly coming across. He could just be bs’ing but he stated a few times that I seemed to have an attitude

    He has said before that he feels like he can’t say anything to me because I seem to get emotional or cop an attitude

    Soooo apparently I just have an attitude all around, all the time? Is that my vibe? I can’t say that he’s not telling the truth somewhat

    I don’t MEAN to though but it’s frustration

    I feel like I’m not being heard or received
    I think we both feel the same

    Anyways ugh this feels tricky



  45.  #45Tee on July 28, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    I’m feeling like I’m in battle with E :/
    Part of me feels amused, another part feels hopeless and helpless

    So today, I got off early & came home. E got home the same time I did. While I was getting the place cleaned up, E picked up Isiah & took him somewhere. Ok cool, I had some time to myself.

    I went out, got money from the atm & bought me some sneakers. I didn’t rush. He called to find out where I was. I gave him a roundabout location.

    I tell him that theres food in the microwave. He tells me that they already ate & he made sure to tell me that he could tell that I had been watching them because the blinds were up. I side-stepped that whole conversation. I was like Really? You had to throw that in there.

    He had this weird tone to his voice like Yeah, I know you were watching…cause you can’t help it, you just gotta watch me. You just gotta see what I’m up to, don’t you?

    So I was like…I’ll be there in a minute & I hung up. Took my time. Got home maybe 20 minutes later. He left about 10 minutes after I showed up

    I feel almost like he sees me as….I don’t know. Not so much a love interest but something negative. Someone hell-bent on putting him in his place so he’s ducking & dodging.

    Isiah has me at a disadvantage…if not for him, I could take off. But then, I’d feel dumb lol its like he knows that my every action is nothing more than a reaction to him so he “wins” regardless

    What do you do with that? Talking (at least the way that I’m doing it) isn’t working I suppose. And it seems like the more I try to ignore him (lean back?)…the further he goes to get a reaction out of me 🙁 at least that’s how it feels to me right now

    It’s like that’s ALL we’re doing these days is pushing buttons to see how long it’ll take before the other person reacts & he almost always “wins” because I’m not nearly as social as he is so my options are limited.

    Reactions equal (shrug) attention, care, affection….something :/

    He knows how I feel. I read somewhere that sometimes people repeat the behavior that’s not being accepted until it is accepted

    I feel like he’s more concerned with not being painted into a corner than he is about my being upset

    I was pretty upbeat when he left. Not happy but I had a positive feeling about things 🙂

    Now it’s quiet & time for bed…and my mind is wandering like it always does when I’m alone & it’s quiet

    I’m gonna go to bed soon but I have to say that I feel like I’m in a really tight spot

    I need to train myself to respond strategically instead of reacting emotionally

    Easier said than done. I feel weaker & weaker and I’d rather not. I can’t operate from a position of weakness. I know that this isn’t a game but it feels close.

    It really is starting to feel like we’re opponents. I feel like I’m just trying to be in a healthy relationship & he’s trying to not be pinned down.

    Ugh



  46.  #46Tee on July 29, 2016 at 2:15 am

    Yeah, it’s me again. I’m having tons of thoughts and I’d rather place them here.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who wants to be in this relationship. But then when E & I manage to make some headway communication wise…it does seem like we want the same things

    Either he’s bs’ing me or he’s like most & fumbling his way through this

    I’m starting to get the impression that as much as E hates or claims to hate my laser-like focus on him & his activities…he “depends” on them. I’m thinking that he “enjoys” making me upset & causing me to lash out

    I don’t know if he consciously knows this or not but I can see him feeling like he has me exactly where he wants me….focused on him

    It might be negative but attention is attention if that’s what you need & what you’re after

    As long as he feels that I’m afraid to lose him, then why change anything?

    I say this because I feel like he’s getting more and more outrageous with his antics & it’s interesting that they seem to coincide with me trying to “break away” from him

    Apparently our talks mean nothing if he’s still acting out. Acting out against what?? I can only guess that it’s me or he’s cheating

    But I’m honestly not getting a cheating vibe
    I’m getting more of a rebellious teenage assh*le vibe! Where he’s gonna see how much he get away with before I lash out again

    And I don’t wanna lash out. It took alot to not call him tonight but what about tomorrow or the next day? I definitely feel like he’s rebelling against me

    I feel like maybe some of what I’ve done or said Scared him so he’s trying to bring everything back to status quo

    I hate not knowing. I hate this game or whatever it is

    I hate that I feel this is gonna push me to my limits because if I don’t respond, he’ll keep going lol but then let’s face it…I know what my triggers are & I’m assuming that he does too or why else would he try so hard to rub up against them? So I suppose it’s just a matter of not responding/reacting no matter what he says/does?

    Of course I’m just guessing about most of this



  47.  #47Azure Blu on July 29, 2016 at 5:09 am

    ((Tee))
    Wow… not reacting is Huge!!! it looks like to me …you are doing a great job!!

    I know I struggle so much with NOT reacting when Spirit pushes my trigger points..
    and we DON”T live together so I have the option of staying away until we figure it out…
    and same as you
    He had started pushing my triggers more when I began saying how I was worried
    that we really can’t make this work… I also told him how much I love him…
    think he’s the love of my life and give him a list of all the wonderful things
    I LOVE about him…
    But still he was feeling the leaning back…
    and I am leaning back and OUT
    We havn’t seen each other in a week and only text once

    Tee… you mentioned the tone/attitude in your voice…
    I know when I started the Rori way…. When practicing the tools and observing ME
    HOW I was approaching people/men… I realized… I could begin to hear the tone/attitude
    I had in my voice without even meaning to have a weird tone…
    Slowly – baby step by baby step… I began to change my tone.. catch myself and actually back up and say… Gee, I’m sorry I sounded that way… I didn’t mean it that way at ALL!!
    THat has made a huge difference in All my relationships.

    Also the unzippering my heart and thinking about a really nice time Spirit and
    I had together… or one or two of the things I find so wonderful about him
    when he would trigger me…
    It really is in the VIBE I give off…

    As far as feeling weak… I used to think that ME being Vulnerable… breaking down my walls of protection by actually sharing my soft, scared heart
    was WEAKNESS… but as I practiced ever so caucsiously – sharing when I was scared, sad, angry and embarrassed… my walls of protection came down… and I actually felt Stronger on the inside and softer on the outside!!
    I think it was because it was ME – Accepting ME – and being brave enough to share it with the other person… It is Magical how that is working – It IS something I have to keep doing
    as MY WALLs are Very high! :-))
    It’s probably a life time journey for us all…

    I know you mention that you try and Stay out of E’s businees as much as you can…
    GREAT… Rori tells us when we start thinking about our man like that
    to STOP and think about
    Where WE are Right Now… where are you sitting… is it soft… how does the material feel
    where are We sitting in the room… what does the sunlight look like coming through the window? Concentrate on US… We are the ONLY person we have control of…
    When I get into trying to figure someone else out… I start reading all of the Archived posts that Rori wrote – or go to Sami Wunder’s web site and read her posts or Tatia Dee
    They all have such wonderful tools that help me so much
    it helps get me out of HIS business!!
    huggs darling
    You are Fabulous – You’ve got this Wonderful lady!!



  48.  #48Tee on July 29, 2016 at 6:01 am

    OMG Azure, thank you for those kind words. I’m at work so I’m better now that I have distractions but I am feeling triggered.
    I just dont get why I’m being “tested” in this way. It doesnt feel great at all. Not yet anyway.

    I’m wondering if E’s pushing my triggers more & more is in response to the little changes that I’ve made.
    I wish it wasn’t so but I guess its necessary if things are to truly change for us

    I’ll try to be more mindful of my tone around him. I did let him know that it wasn’t personal, especially the huffing & puffing part lol that’s an odd thing that I do when something is on my mind & I’m mulling it over 😛

    We haven’t been the greatest towards each other lately. Not mean but not great. I miss him. I miss our friendship, like we had back in high school.

    I definitely need to practice more & in the heat of the moment doesn’t count either. I completely get you when you say that your walls are high.

    Mine are very high as well. If anything even looks like abandonment, mistrust or whatever…I totally close up like a clam.

    E is very independent & social. I only get this way when he’s been “gone” for a while. Gone as in just hanging with friends.

    He wants the same for me…to be independent & social. Yet my heart can’t figure out how anyone can have a relationship with everyone being so independent & social all of the time! This is where we clash. He doesn’t want us joined at the hip. Theoretically I get all of what he’s saying and I’ve said this before.

    Actually LOL someone here implied that I was co-dependent so I joined the Co-Dependents Group online a few months back.

    OMG I couldn’t handle it. They were about some of the saddest sacks of folks ever! I pray that I don’t/didn’t sound like them. (I probably do LOL)

    Anyways…Yes, I had to go back to what Tatia was saying about Leaning Back. Her 5 Part Leaning Back series is EXCELLENT! Especially about the man Caving/Withdrawing (sigh)….I’m re-reading Rori’s e-book again.

    This doesnt feel good at all…even if I am making changes but I guess thats the whole point



  49.  #49Azure Blu on July 29, 2016 at 6:20 am

    ((((Tee))))
    LOL about the Codependant group being sad sacks!!
    I agree that is what I really like about this group and Sami Wunder’s group…
    Upbeat and kindness…

    Hey, Siren… I totally agree… about how can we both be SOOO independant?
    It doesn’t feel like a relationship then…
    that was what Spirit was doing… I don’ think he’s working this summer (seems weird I don’t know this?) and has all kinds of time…
    I don’t see anything wrong with all the golfing and hanging out at the golf clubs
    BUT the dancing on his own… I tried it and it felt like
    Why are we in a relationship if we’re both out on our own?

    Anyway… lots of practice to LOVING ME… and MY life…
    YOU aRE DOING FANTASTIC TEE…
    It’s the LOVING of OURSELVES that helps me be a better partner
    to my MR. Right!

    I’m off to go to one of the Big Lakes in my state with my son (32yr)
    Since all of the changes I have made over the past 3 years
    Our relationship has healed so much…
    We had a MOST amazing kayaking day yesterday…
    He actually told me “You have changed so much Mom
    I feel safe with you now… that is why I felt like I could share
    and talk to you today!”
    A miracle… My heart is flying high and I am happy!!!
    I will hold these words close and feel gratitude
    for finding Rori and what is had done for Me and all my family!!!



  50.  #50Femininewoman on July 29, 2016 at 6:22 am

    Tee why wouldn’t he rebel.. All that energy in your focus must feel like a lot of pressure so yes he’d want to squirm and get away. Maybe your boy energy is not employed enough. Maybe Rori’s changing drawers tool could help to rewire your brain into changing some of these behavioral patterns and how you respond to E.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on July 29, 2016 at 6:25 am

    ” I’m thinking that he “enjoys” making me upset & causing me to lash out”

    Maybe that’s the only way he knows how to get you to look at yourself
    Maybe this is how you hired him to beat up on yourself for you???



  52.  #52Tee on July 29, 2016 at 6:43 am

    #50/#51 FW….You crack me up! You are so direct & to the point. Thank you!
    Actually, E has said almost the same thing. That I hired him to beat up on myself for me.
    Rewiring is definitely in order here



  53.  #53Femininewoman on July 29, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Tee how about agreeing with him the next time he says that and request a review of your agreements and commitment to each other. Discuss what is your ideal vision of your relationship and the role you’d want your partner to play and the role you’d play. If you get an agreement then you go out and live the relationship. Regardless of what he is doing just live up to your end of agreement/commitment. Test drive this kind of thing from month to month and at the end of each month you come back together and review and decide if this is what you want.

    I suggest this because it is something like what I have seen Gay and Katie Hendricks do in their coaching. Conscious Loving is what they are about and you might wish to check out their book on the topic. I borrowed it from the library.



  54.  #54Tee on July 29, 2016 at 7:17 am

    #49. Yesss Azure, you get it! I guess it takes a certain mindframe to want independent lives, so to speak. I don’t think E means completely separate but just that I have no “stories” or adventures to tell him about because I don’t do anything or go anywhere.

    When we have family time, he seems to enjoy it…and I love those times. Then he’ll switch to being the lone wolf again.

    THOSE are the times when I need love the most or attention. I feel the most insecure & unloved. He isn’t sure how to help me with that because no matter what he says or does…it hasn’t helped so he figures, EFF IT.

    I see that its gonna be tricky since E seems to float between time together & time apart without much warning. UGH



  55.  #55Azure Blu on July 29, 2016 at 7:24 am

    FW
    Wow… loving what your sharing here!! GREAT reminders…
    Who am I hiring to beat me up?
    That book sounds like a good one…
    I’m on my way to the library!!



  56.  #56Tee on July 29, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Thank you ladies for allowing me the opportunity to vent. I know its been a long day. That’s how I feel.

    I just feel sad. Like why is this happening to me? How can he be so mean? Its like he’s purposely trying to hurt me. I feel like he’s an ungrateful selfish brat who cares only for himself.

    Also interesting to note is that I also feel bored. Bored because I can’t do “my usual” of tracking him down, calling/texting 1,000 times to let him know (again) he much of an ass that he is.

    I mean, I COULD still do it but its pointless on both ends. He already knows why I’d be calling so he’d already be prepared for my typical onslaught. He might argue with me, say a few things & still keep doing the same thing. Or he’d simply hang up on me…and keep doing the same thing.

    I feel antsy. I feel like I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I can’t get the HIGH that I’m use to. The HIGH being the feeling of cursing him out, being IN my anger…letting it grow and feed on itself, the temporary ego boost of NOT LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH IT despite how many times he already got away with it

    IT being his almost incessant desire for freedom. I really dont think I’m that bad! He act like I’m trying to put a bag over his head

    Where’s that guy that use to love me/like me? The guy who missed me & wanted to hold my hand and impress me? I think he was probably eaten by the miserable caveman that I live with now



  57.  #57Tee on July 29, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    Ok hopefully this will be my last entry but I’m sure that it illustrates PERFECTLY how IMPERFECT our communication is

    First off, I hate that I’m so affected by this man. Its so high school lol

    He called me a few minutes ago & it was like the sun finally emerged from the clouds (stomach heave)
    I started not to answer but I did.

    He wasnt being mean
    He wasnt purposely hurting me
    He wasnt being selfish
    He wasnt ignoring me

    He was simply busy cutting yards. He asked me how I was, told me a little about his day & said that he’d reimburse me for my transpass

    E is a tell-you-after-the-fact type. If I dont know things up front….well you see how far my mind goes :/

    He had no clue how hurt I felt, how I had visions of setting him & his clothes on fire because I couldnt deal with the not-knowing

    Did he mention that he was gonna be busy before? Kinda. He doesnt tell me each day what it’ll entail but he tends to give me a vague rundown

    “Miss Trish asked me to cut her yard this week, but I’m not sure what day. Miss Stephanie wants me to do hers too & then theres Miss Rita around the corner who wants her basement cleaned out, etc”

    He’ll tell me some crap like this on a (for example) Sunday night & then he’ll “disappear” come Wednesday & Thursday and I’m supposed to remember on Wednesday that THIS is why he’s been M.I.A? He coulda skipped town with a stripper for all I know!!

    Then when I ask him to tell me whats going on…he’s like, Dammit I did! I need explicit knowledge, not vague details.

    This is just a small example of how our communication tends to go & how/why I’m so easily irked. Then he’s irked and then we’re all just a mess :/

    Do I feel like a schmuck? Yes.
    Do I feel better? Yes

    I still feel like I need to get a freakin life though :/



  58.  #58Tee on July 29, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    (Sigh) I spoke too soon! That man is definitely trying to get a reaction out of me. He is tap-dancing all over my triggers & it’s killing me not to respond in anger, hurt, etc

    Yeah, he might legitimately have been busy but the rest is pure douchbaggery! That phone call was bs too. I’m thinking that he was testing the waters, seeing how upset I was, if I was gonna ask questions, curse him out, threaten his life, etc

    I did none of those things. I don’t recall saying too much & I got off the phone before he did.

    I really wish this would stop, it’s so stupid and childish



  59.  #59nyx on July 31, 2016 at 5:25 am

    @ Tee

    You are handling this beautifully! My feeling is that he wants and needs you- but also is feeling unstable because you are changing. And how could he not notice? Read Azure’s post above about her son 🙂 all relationships change when we change.

    Side note about hearing you “have an attitude”. I handle this in two ways: “oh, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to come across like this” – the most true response- I do not want people to feel inferior(worked best with women so far) and “Oh- I am comfortable with this” followed by a grin. (so far, worked best with ALL guys, except the way older colleagues who think the are superior on account of being male- and I’ll experiment further with getting them used to a new way of thinking- I will do them a favor by bringing them into our current world, right? EVERY younger man is purely delighted so far. So maybe you will want to experiment between apologizing, unashamedly teasingly grinning 😉 depending on who you are talking with…
    and maybe you want to experiment with going off on adventures of your own- see Rori’s post above. Like:
    Hairdresser: less logistics, more courage, or
    hiking: more logistics, less courage?

    I am so impressed. You seem to have gone from “reacting” to “observe- analyze- act”. How could he not notice and react on this? I am waiing for him, too, to come to the level of awareness that you already reached.

    Meanwhile: take yourself out on adventures.
    Have fun 😉



  60.  #60Tee on July 31, 2016 at 9:00 am

    #59 NYX

    Thanks for stopping by! This whole thing has been brutal on an emotional level. I couldn’t tell if Eric was truly busy or trying to get a response or if it was all in my head!

    I felt crazy and unstable lol I did have the support of my dear friend Trina. I called her over & over, I read more Rori & Tatia stuff, I vented online and I could barely sleep in some instances….but I didn’t crack. I was determined not to crack or else we’re finished 🙁

    I went with my gut, I stayed relatively open & just let him do whatever
    It was so hard but I had a feeling that the storm was almost over

    He came home last night but we don’t really interact until this morning

    Immediately he starts with the whining! Inside I’m like OMG is he serious?? Lol
    I started to say Why don’t you go back to where you were before with all of that whining?

    I said Nothing. I just went about getting stuff together for our day trip. He goes into the bathroom & starts getting ready to shave his head. I say, Before you get started can I get in the bathroom real quick?
    So he’s like Why Tee?
    I’m like Huh, what do you mean? I gotta get my stuff (toothbrush, toothpaste)
    He said I know what you need to get, I just wanna hear you say it. Meanwhile he’s grinning smh lol

    So I decide to move him out of the way. He decides to just stand there & pester me. Why couldn’t you just take that out into the kitchen etc etc

    I turn around, stare at him & slowly brush my teeth. He wants to pester me so I’ll pester him. He’s not looking at me and trying to keep his cool at the same time.

    Then he tells me to stop, my doing that was sexy & it was causing a reaction….he was like…Do you wanna see?

    I left the bathroom pretty fast lol
    The rest of our time together was pretty breezy but I definitely need my own adventures, give him time & space to miss me 🙂



  61.  #61nyx on July 31, 2016 at 10:25 am

    @ Tee

    Sounds like he trying out different ways to connect with you and get your attention in a more positive way 🙂 not yet succeeding, haha. Your way of handling this is working… not responding to the whining, so he has to find another, better way to connect 😉



  62.  #62Liquid Light on July 31, 2016 at 11:11 am

    Hi ladies,

    I just had the most amazing date. It was a first date/first meeting from an online dating site.

    We went wine tasting (fabulous wine and winery), dinner and then dancing all night. It was so much fun! He had invited me to go wine tasting originally but we were having so much fun we ended up spending the whole evening together. We were both laughing and grinning the whole night! Connection and chemistry was off the charts. We kissed and he was very affectionate but not over the top or too sexual. So nice! I loved his touch, body and how he smelled. LOL Smell has always been a big deal for me and can be in incredible turn on or a total turnoff. With him, I couldn’t get enough of his scent! 😀

    Wow, just wow! Cloud nine for sure!



  63.  #63Tee on July 31, 2016 at 11:49 am

    #61 NYX

    I certainly hope that he’s trying different ways lol

    I thought it was funny that after his “absence” didn’t work as he figured, he decided to try bother me in person lol & try to drag us back to our old ways

    I have to stay on top of my game here & not get comfortable because things feel less tense

    I always do that, I always cave because I can’t bear the stress of feeling uncomfortable

    But this time I made myself sit with it and experience whatever came with it

    Lots of anxiety, fear, anger and feelings of it being really OVER but despite my thoughts, I kept quiet (well mostly lol)

    Interestingly enough, I feel almost liberated from my fears

    I made it through. It was bad but I’m still here

    Maybe, as brutal as it felt, this was a gift

    I kinda feel like I just conquered the big scary ride at the Amusement Park 😛

    Actually that’s where I am with my family, E got called into work so he couldn’t make it but he did text to check up on us & I sent him pics

    This is how I like it. Him checking on us 😀



  64.  #64Azure Blu on July 31, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Tee… I agree with NYX
    You are doing amazing…
    watching YOUR reactions and YOUR feelings and
    sitting tight EVEN though you are feeling intensely uncomfortable…
    BRAVA Siren!!!
    I know Spirit LOVEs it when I share with him what makes ME happy…
    “E…. I feel soo cherished when you check on Isahia and I”
    It gives them an idea of what to do again!!!



  65.  #65Azure Blu on July 31, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    Liquid Light…
    Hooorah for Yummie Dates!!
    how wonderful that you were both having so much fun
    you continued the evening…

    Me too… Smell is Soooo VERY important!!



  66.  #66Tee on July 31, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    #64 Azure, thanks as always 🙂
    We’re home now and it’s so obvious that E missed us alot! He would playfully bump into me & smile. He was picking up the baby & spinning him around

    He was definitely all smiles. He asked how the park was & I think he’s making plans with my uncle to go some other time

    This is what I like. I was missed & he was happy instead of nit-picking

    Nice 😀



  67.  #67Sirenity on August 1, 2016 at 6:31 am

    This post really speaks to me.

    eI have been with a quite feminine energy man for over a year . He is the opposite of men I have previously dated who were all testosterone but when the ageing hit ..what a mess! Rori is so right about the way they shut down and withdraw and how the fear of failure seems to shut them off from us.This happened exactly as she said with my last man, and in fact he could not become the partner I needed nor create the relationship he seemed to want. His masculine energy just kept getting in his way when it came to relating. I think this is even more true of older men (and I am in my mid fifties) who are battling to remain relevant in their masculine world.

    So ..enter the more feminine man..He is kind, gentle, chatty, a great listener, humble, creative, theatrical (and works in the performing arts) , dresses well and has a bigger wardrobe than me,
    You would not guess he is so successful in his field by his unassuming demeanour . He is spiritually aware and has also studied counselling and is a licenced practitioner. He is not macho , and he is into “sharing” and being present for his partner. He wants relationship and a long haul woman by his side. He has decided he wants that to be me.

    He adores me . He constantly calls, organises things , tells me his feelings, and arranges weekends together . We just had a tropical holiday together. I have learned that he can be very masculine if i let him fill that role. He is very strong in his own quieter way and indeed very resilient and forward thinking.

    The only difficulty we have and the source of my hesitation is a huge issue relating to his health. Shortly after we decided to date exclusively 12 months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. he has had two surgeries and a lot of recovery time. We have not really had a sexual relationship for most of that year. There was pain and an ileostomy bag and then two major bereavements all piled up together. I could not be more than a friend through all that time. Now he has had reversal surgery and there are more physical issues still to contend with. Despite all this he remains positive and patient that I will get through my concerns and fears .Sure some of this is just reaction to the horrible place he has been , me reacting in fear and him reacting with love , and that will take more time to sort out.

    But i have discovered that a more feminine energy man can be a FABULOUS partner , just as Rori says. And in times of trial he has been far more resilient and stayed open to me absolutely , unlike all the silent closed down men I have had in my life previously.He has also learned fast that being in his masculine energy is something I really appreciate at times.

    I think I may even be falling for him 🙂



  68.  #68Tee on August 1, 2016 at 6:56 am

    Good Morning Sirens!

    I’m just here sharing. I feel so good this morning. I’m so proud of myself for everything that I’ve “endured” this weekend. I had such a feeling of calm flow over me. Yet at the same time, I feel weary. Weary that I’ll fall right back into what I’ve always done, or more accurately NOT DONE.

    I’m seeing other “mistakes” that I’ve made. I think I’ve said it here before. I’m not consistent.

    Its like I’d rather be comfortable/lazy than uncomfortable & this is what I have to fight against. Developing new ways of doing things takes time, patience & consistency and I think that’s been tricky for me. I’m always looking for the instant gratification, instant validation. I’m always sinking into my insecurities & staying there

    This requires me to be AWAKE, AWARE & FOCUSED. This could be why I didn’t last at the gym LOL…I figured I’ve been going for 2 weeks, why aren’t I 10 pounds lighter by now? LOL

    I have to do this though. It’s no different than trying to teach my son something new, like brushing his teeth. It’s a process. He had to get use to holding a toothbrush, he had to get use to the feel of the toothbrush in his mouth & on his teeth. He had to get use to doing it every day & night.

    He had to get use to the taste & texture of the toothpaste. He wasn’t immediately comfortable with it but he learned over time. I’m sure he lost his cool on some days, I lost my cool on others but we keep trying.

    I think that I can handle anything as long as emotions aren’t involved lol that’s been my weakness for so long but I’m definitely feeling stronger & more positive these days



  69.  #69Azure Blu on August 1, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Tee #68
    While reading this post I am celebrating YOU, lovely Siren!!!
    and learning about the power of patiently hanging in there…
    the analogy of the process – all of us went through- to learn to
    \\\Brush Our Teeth\\\\
    Is wonderful and
    for some reason soothing to my heart…
    to Not give up…
    that of course sometimes I get annoyed
    and so do others
    as we learn to react better to any trigger
    or learn to communicate better
    to learn to be kinder
    to learn to show my appreciation
    instead of criticizing
    AND to keep trying
    because at some point
    it will become
    like brushing my teeth
    second nature and easy
    and so good for ME!



  70.  #70Tee on August 1, 2016 at 10:38 am

    I love that you’re getting a kick out of this Azure lol

    I do feel lighter and more hopeful
    I know that there are no real guarantees but its worth a shot

    Nothing at all wrong with learning to communicate better & try to remove any bad habits that could be getting in the way

    I do have to say that I suck at being patient LOL I have to have patience with my son because he’s a toddler and he’s still new around these parts lol

    I’m not so patient with others. I feel like we’re all grown, shouldnt we already know these things?

    But I also know that these habits didn’t just form overnight

    These habits have been practiced over time too. Being a jerk takes practice lol just the same as being a SIREN

    Its just a matter of seeing it for what it is & decided to do something about it

    I have the power to change myself & influence my immediate circle. This freakin sucks too LOL

    Sometimes I hate being so self aware & just noticing patterns in others…especially since it seems like no one wants to do anything about them except me

    Oh well “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility” (sigh) lol