When He’s On the Attack…

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IMG_1017This is what Feeling Messages are made for!

When a man says something that makes you feel something you don’t want to feel – bad, mad, sad – the first thing we all want to do is: Shutdown.

And when we shutdown, we shut him down, too.

We shut down the connection, we stop the flow of energy.

It’s US who maintain the energy exchange.

It’s US who decide when things go up or down. Sweet or sour.

If your man criticizes, judges, rolls his eyes, makes you feel like a tiny thing whose spirit he could squash in any instant – you must SPEAK!

You must communicate with him over these old triggers that your old “stuff ” is still attracting (I know this well, personally – attracting a critical partner!).

You’ll have to steady yourself, feel what you feel (awful, yes), and then say the same thing over and over as it happens: “…wow, I hear you, and my stomach is just turning over hearing those words…I feel just awful…”

Then, you you see what he does and says.

If he keeps attacking, the opportunity is to keep communicating: “I’m feeling icky, and it’s turning me off.”

If he keeps going, you say: “Thank you for letting me know how angry you are, and I hear it, and right now, I can’t hear anymore, so I’m going to go get some tea (or whatever else feels better right in that moment)” – And you turn around and walk away.

If at any point he backtracks and apologizes – smile big, and acknowledge how good that feels and how much you appreciate him working these things out with you.

It doesn’t matter what’s going on with HIM – unless he cannot adjust to your new communications.

He may step up the attacks for awhile, but sooner or later, your “…this turns me off” will make him want to try a new tactic that gets him more of what he wants: approval, sex, respect…

Love, Rori

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79 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on August 21, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    Yay! Rori I love this.

    It’s us who keeps the exchange flowing.

    I experience this to be so true.

    Yet that old default defensiveness, shutdown, lashing out…… hmmm. It’s programmed in hard.
    Many times I forgot the softness when I got triggered.

    Then one day, *one day* I realised I had a choice. To stay open even through the hurt and the shock. Phew, this takes some awareness but boy is it worth it.
    I feel like a different creature altogether when I practice what you have outlined above.
    I feel true to me.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 21, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    What happens when it’s the straw that breaks the camel back and just plain feel like disrespect?



  3.  #3Angela on August 21, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    Oh wow this feels so good to read. Like if i have all the power in my hands. Wow. Maybe i do.

    But, i too wonder like Femininewoman, what about when he disrespects you?

    I had my ex bf call me a bitch once because he dint get it his way, i kept telling him my feelings and he got so angry and called me that name. I didnt care that much, by that time his words were not that hurtful. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again but i wonder when its just too much.

    Update on my situation, Really there is no update. A text here and there from the guy i have been seeing the one who wont set up dates. I feel sad childish for waiting for his text but thats me now. Hoping for more trying to trust his words that have no action to back it up.

    But there is another part i have not written about here for fear of being judged.
    My ex bf and i had 3 years together and we broke up about two months ago, after that was when i met this new guy.
    So basically i didn’t mention that my ex came back into my life weeks after i met the new guy and that although i was dating this man and sleeping with this man i was also in contact with my ex.

    Our reasons for the breakup where because i was really jealous and didnt know how to communicate with him, i was suspicious and not trusting also overall i was not happy, his father had passed away and there was no sex and i regret deeply that i was unable to understand and instead felt rejected. I felt that i was no supported emotionally in the relationship. He left and also dated other people.
    So now these past weeks I have gone on many dates with him where i feel good and at peace, he doesn’t know about this guy well he sorta does but thinks i have ended it with him.
    So he treats me like a queen when we are out, but i dont know if i want to recommit to him.He says he wants to, and that i am the love of his life but i dont know if he really means it or not. He is practically homeless and I’m scared thats a reason why he wants to come back.

    I am very confused . And i feel that if the widower were to tell me i want something serious i want to commit i would drop my ex bf forever.
    of course the widower doest know about the ex either . I told him there was no contact. The one time i did bring it up he’ was very upset and said i am not your second option. Stay away from him because you are with me now.
    When i bring up the feelings i have that i want t keep dating others , to this new guy, because i dont want to be exclusive with someone who is not committed to me, he tells me that why would i want that and that if i do it he will too, although he doesn’t name what we are he says that its something that will develop into something else soon and that there is no one else but me. that i am the doubtful one and that i should trust him 100 %.

    I am confused. part of me keeps my ex around because i am lonely when the other guy is not here. I dont know if i can love my ex bf again, i dont want to i think, but also i feel that relationships ultimately become about companionship which is what i think would happen between me and my ex because i feel no crazy attraction and need for him like i once did.
    Now the tables have turned and he says he’s crazy for me but i dont know.
    Im scared i am making the wrong decisions scared about them finding out about each other.
    Feel scared about being judged on here but oh well….



  4.  #4Tee on August 21, 2016 at 11:20 pm

    Good Question FW



  5.  #5Tee on August 22, 2016 at 4:29 am

    (Sigh) I feel like I shouldn’t ask questions when I already know the answer
    E is still trying to upset me with his “disappearing”
    Its the only card he has to play these days apparently
    He’ll call, we’ll talk & he’ll go about his business

    Sounds normal enough but inside, I feel like I’m dying! I feel lost, unsteady, uncertain & in need of something to hold onto

    On the outside, I’m business as usual
    I don’t yell, complain or ask questions…I smile & wave like freakin Miss America — unshakable

    But I am shaking. Inside.
    Why is he doing this?
    Isn’t this what he wanted? A little more breathing room so he wouldn’t feel watched & like I was sorta smothering him with my insecurities?

    Now I feel like he’s trying to smother me with his like he’s trying to see just how uncomfortable he can get me to feel before I crack & go back to how we use to be when he was my focus

    And it’s worse when no one understands why or what’s going on — they feel their own anger and they wanna lash out & express it for you

    But they cant…and you can’t either

    Your best bet is to ride the ride as best you can especially if you’re trying to heal a situation that’s been a bit messy for a long while

    All I have are my articles & the forums where (hopefully) someone understands and can throw me some rope every now and then

    I really wanna lash out & express tons of anger and curse words BUT even that, to him, would be welcome smh

    Attention is attention to someone who feels deprived of it and I do know that E enjoys attention from all sides. He’s not obnoxious about it but he seems to enjoy attention & feeling needed & he likes being the funniest guy in the room

    Yet at the same time, he does claim enjoy his solitude so who knows

    He does have a little bit of the people pleasing thing going on too — well maybe with Other folks lol I haven’t seen (at least how I judge it) much of that these days

    I guess that’s it for now

    Over & Out ➡➡➡

    Signed,
    Miss (Sad In) America



  6.  #6Azure Blu on August 22, 2016 at 6:41 am

    ((((Tee)))
    Hang in there darling Siren!!!
    I feel bad that you are struggling and feeling hurt by E’s actions…
    I know it would be VERY hurtful to me also…

    Spirit is a lot like E…
    He’s goes out a lot on his own.. ( no more dancing without me though)
    Loves striking up conversations with anyone.
    Loves LOTS of attention from others….He isn’t working much this summer
    Only Golfing… All the TIME!!
    Which is fine cause I’m working all the time!!
    But I don’t get much invitations to come and hang out with him…
    (we do hang out most of the weekends)
    I notice when I do ask if he wants company he ALWAYS says
    YES!!! Your company!!! :-))

    Lovely Tee… I’m wondering Have you tried the leaning back
    unzipping your heart and thinking of a wonderful time you and E
    had together or something you really LOVE that E does.?
    I have found that softens MY heart when I do that…

    Firday night we were lieing in bed and I was feeling all prickley and negative.
    I wanted to stop those vibes…
    I visualized my heart unzipping… and thought of all the wonderful
    things we had done – one at a time – that night…
    It was magical…. he turned over and grabbed me in his arms
    and cuddled me till we fell asleep!!!

    I believe the other part of our loving ourselves is
    Softening Our Hearts….

    I know it feels unfair – really unfair- to be the one who
    has to lead the change But
    Rori has always said…. – YES YES YES…
    IT is ***ME*** who must lead the change! :-/

    I found this… a great way to share our Feelings
    about things that we need to share – when we (and they are ready)
    an opportunity to build closeness as Rori says in her latest post!!

    I think it was Zara that said this…
    “<<>>I feel let down by myself. In a huge way.

    >>>I feel angry at myself for accepting crumbs<<<

    Maybe say
    "it feels like accepting crumbs and I don’t want anything less than your best”.*****

    definitely share with your guy about how bad it made you feel!
    But certainly do not blame him.
    Try: i have been feeling so down about my life lately.
    When we talked about that celebrity, in my mind i ended up feeling like it was a comparison, and i felt like i was inadequate
    and ive just been feeling so raw and down ever since…

    “While looking at yourself in the mirror affirm the following:
    I love you ______ (insert your own name). I really, really love you. You are my best friend, and I enjoy living my life with you. Experiences come and go; however, my love for you is constant. We have a good life together, and it will only get better and better. We have many wonderful adventures ahead of us, and a life filled with love and joy. All the love in our lives begins with us. I love you, I really love you.”

    Does in of this seem helpful… I know it's not EXACTLY what
    you are dealing with emotionally… But I have always found it VERY inspirational
    in going deeper into what **MY*** Real feelings are about what is going on…
    Bringing it back to ME…
    and THEN sharing what I am experiancing with Spirit…
    I certainly have'nt been good at this part at all…
    I want to keep practicing…

    Thank you Tee for all your vulnerable, authentic
    open hearted sharing on Siren Island
    Love yu darling Siren!!!
    Once again I am inspired by your
    beautiful heart!



  7.  #7Tee on August 22, 2016 at 7:23 am

    Good Morning Dearest Azure,

    I’m not sure how things will turn out. Seems like E’s issues are coming to the surface as well! He needs to be healed. I mean I’m sorta glad to a degree that this stuff is coming to the surface but I’m also sad for both of us

    He’s so angry & I think he feels out of place as a man/father

    He got into an argument with my aunt over me. They get into it every so often so I’ve stopped being bothered by it

    I know it’s not my fault nor my problem but E didn’t receive much attention as a kid so in essence, he’s jealous & feeling left out

    He feels like I get too much attention from my family & they cater to me too much (wait….huh??) Sooo him being the defiant creature that he can be….his response to this is not to step up….but to step down & act out

    So my take on it is that this is a flashback, this has been his story since he was young
    He feels left out, overlooked, insecure and out of place

    He feels like What about me? What about me? What about me?

    I kinda get it. He’s surrounded by women with masculine energy so he can get lost in the shuffle but (shrug)

    My heart aches for us both. Granted these feelings are very new & raw and maybe in time…we can have a real sit-down but those are his true feelings

    He doesn’t want to leave or stay so I don’t know

    I feel weird



  8.  #8Victoria on August 22, 2016 at 8:16 am

    Azure and Tee,
    I also used to date a man who would go out on his own. I actually thought most men would go out on their own a lot as a part of their masculinity (kind of like hunters used to do in the old times). I also thought men require down time (rubber band, whatever) after moments of too much intmacy.
    I am finding now, in my newest relationship, that it is possible for the man to adore me and to constantly chase me and to never need down time or time alone. And, I am not doing anything to get this type of treatment. Nada.
    Hope you don’t mind my bragging, I just wanted to say that because most of the time most of us share mostly painful experiences, to the point that we start to think that they are normal Maybe they are not.



  9.  #9Azure Blu on August 22, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Victoria… Ohhh darling Siren… PLEASE dont apologize for sharing WONDERFUL
    relationship realities !!!!
    I NEED to KNOW this isn’t normal
    AND that I want desperately to LEARN to be able to Tolerate and ENJOY
    that level of closeness and intimacy!!!
    it is – Still_ OUT of MY comfort Zone…
    I imagine that is why I am still with Spirit…
    Although 5 months – he ask to live with me and I turned him down…
    But – just like E – I imagine he would be out and about most of the day and evening..
    even if we lived together…

    Victoria – I am so very happy for you and all the love and adoration
    you are receiving from you Man!!!
    Yayayayay!!!



  10.  #10Tee on August 22, 2016 at 10:26 am

    I need a happy medium
    He’s only gotten “worse” as of late



  11.  #11nyx on August 22, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    @ Tee

    I think we are many women who follows your progress with piqued interest 🙂
    I keep feeling amazed by your ability to stay on course, even do better and better! Awesome when you went out alone- you keep surprising him!
    I don’t always write, but I keep looking in here to see what is happening with you and your relationship.



  12.  #12Azure Blu on August 22, 2016 at 2:10 pm

    Tee #6
    Ahh… the man’s healing heart…
    I know Dominque says that a lot…
    When we learn to love us and heal our heart
    a good man might follow and “heal his heart!!!”

    I have noticed that with Spirit… as i claimed my feelings
    and stopped blaming him…
    he is able to claim his feelings…
    Ahhh… the magic of healing our hearts together….

    Mmmmm… today I am feeling peaceful and
    lots of Big – soft – Warm like a summer breeze
    LOVE coming to me and surrounding me…
    Thankyou yesmore!!!



  13.  #13Tee on August 22, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    #10 NYX

    Thanks! I always think better when I write lol and it helps keep me sane



  14.  #14Tee on August 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    #11 Azure Blue
    It would be cool to heal together, that would be sweet ❤

    I also have to learn to not take his emotions (in the heat of the moment) as gospel

    Not to say that it’s not his truth but I see that I can still be hurt at times

    Fortunately, I’m starting to “recover” faster and faster these days



  15.  #15Posie on August 23, 2016 at 2:06 am

    Hello Sirens. It’s been a long time since I posted but I’ve been watching and appreciating all your sharing and bravery. Last I was here I was having a hard time with an unavailable man who I’ll call MM. We work together and he is very senior in my company and maybe about 20 years older. Those things make a relationship impossible for us and we had never approached the topic. But for well over a year now we have had a developing and intimate friendship and mutual professional respect. And lingering in the background is always a chemistry for something more that I’ve found overwhelming. We dance close to the edge of an invisible line and then back away from it. Back in together and away. Oh he makes me melt. I have never felt that kind of sweet and soft longing, quiet and happy daydream.

    But it was weighing heavier and heavier because I felt confused about whether he wanted to open a door to a relationship or not. And I grew exhausted from the wondering and worrying and hoping and fearing.

    So a couple weeks ago o was very brave and addressed it directly with him. I was nervous because he is NOT a man who expresses feelings readily. I carefully planned my words and energy for 3 weeks. When we finally had time together for the discussion, I was cheerful and open hearted with no expectations. I told him how I felt and that I was confused about his own lines and interests in our relationship. And that it didn’t feel safe to continue allowing myself to dance on that edge, even though we seemed to have both enjoyed it, without having a sense of where his own thinking was at. I asked for his honesty and let him know that I wouldn’t be mad or resentful if he didn’t share my interest. I told him that, no matter what, I wanted to preserve our friendship and professional relationship.

    I was vulnerable. Wowee! I was nervous! But I stayed calm and patient and unassuming in the conversation.

    Well, after some good sharing, he drew the line in the sand. Gently. I could tell he didn’t want to hurt my feelings but they didn’t really feel hurt. I was relieved for some clarity. I told him that. Then he made a sincere effort that week, like none before, to keep in touch and check up on me. He said hello and smiled at me every day, called my desk (for only the second time ever) saying that he just wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. I kept a distance from him at first to give my heart some resting time but didn’t aim any negative energy in his direction. I told him the analogy of the dog coming out of the lake and pausing to ignore everything else while shaking all that water off before heading off to something new. I laughed when I told him that. But also let him feel my sincerity that I was okay, taking my own time to say goodbye to something meaningful, and then would be happily moving on. But that I saw his efforts and was still there somewhere.

    So now we are officially in “friends” mode. He seems much more relaxed and open. Maybe he is relieved too? Probably my easy reaction to his honesty helped that a lot. I never got angry or upset or hurt at him. And it also feels safer for everyone having a clear boundary? I don’t have to worry or wonder and, wow, my mind is glad not to have to do those things anymore. That was occupying too much of my time! Anytime that I start trying to interpret his actions or words, I remind myself that I don’t have to do that anymore because he’s been clear with me. And then I let it go.

    I still have to deal with some heartbreak on it though for myself. He is…. Well… Still very very attractive to me, I’m all kinds of ways. I think I might have been falling in love. Can I say that? And it might be even trickier as he relaxes and shares more of himself, now feeling safer.

    For now I’m just feeling out this new “friends” territory and trying to assess for myself what works best for me in all of it and how I show up differently for that kind of relationship. I go easy on myself, take space as I need it, and look to the horizon. Weeks after now, I feel much better, but it will just take some time to go through the waves. I’m trying not to be hard on myself and just pay attention to the experience one day/feeling at a time.

    Thanks for listening, I’ll try and update. Might feel completely differently next week!



  16.  #16Indigo on August 23, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Posie,

    I’m not sure if I’ve shared this before but I was in a similar situation once with one of the directors at a law firm I used to work at, only difference was that he was married, and he was only about 8 or 9 years older than me. He used to single me out in conversation, pay me compliments, kind of banter with me. He once offered (unasked) to give me a lift to work, and on another occasion invited me to have drinks in the boardroom where his wife was not initially present, and later joined unexpectedly. He once left a note with a little inside joke on my desk. That kind of thing. It was never so overt that I could actually say anything, or say for certain that he was flirting with me, it was just a vibe I got which made me uncomfortable because it was constantly pushing that line that you talked about in your post. There was an unmistakable air of hostility from his wife towards me too, and then at one stage he didn’t even speak to me for nearly 2 months, and it was a tiny department that we worked in. It got to the point where I was considering requesting being transferred to another department, because even though I liked him as a person, it was actually all just too awkward for me. Anyway, this was just a note of caution I wanted to offer you, and anyone else who might find themselves in this kind of position at work. In the end, as flattering as the attention was, it became somewhat unbearable for me.



  17.  #17Tee on August 23, 2016 at 6:13 am

    Ok so here’s the latest LOL

    My aunts car has been smoking lately so of course E jumps in to help. So yesterday He tells her what she needs, what to do in order to hold her over until she can get back to the mechanic.

    As they’re talking, she’s trying to talk over him & not listen. So he says Let me go to Home Depot…you need a clamp for right now.

    We hop in the car. The car starts to smoke. My aunt calls to tell me that she’d rather we go to Pep Boys which is alot further than Home Depot

    She doesn’t really trust or have too much faith in the clamp idea (mind you, E knows more about cars than she does)

    She said she’s gonna call ahead to Pep Boys anyway…why can’t he just do what she says

    We made it to a block away from Home Depot before her car shuts down

    So E left to walk the rest of the way while the car cools down

    This is what I’ve dealt with my whole life…he has too apparently

    I can’t imagine how it must feel, as a masculine type man to feel like you have to fight to be heard, to be trusted, etc

    Maybe this is why he stays out so much? I don’t know anyone with feminine energy and I seriously doubt that he does either

    He seemed so pissed off at times yesterday which isn’t normally how he is.

    It seemed disproportionate to what was going on at the time.

    I’m thinking that he feels I’m cheating or something?
    This morning, I found my old cellphone somewhere completely different than where I remember it being

    The phone doesn’t work, hasn’t worked since maybe last year when I accidentally placed it in water lol So I think I just tossed it in a bin & forgot about it

    I did try to turn it on a few days ago but it still wouldnt work…so I tossed it back into the bin. This morning, it was not in the bin, but in a totally separate place

    I guess he thought it was a new back-up side-dude phone

    Then as we were waiting for the car to cool off at Home Depot, I ran over to Walmart to pick up a few things…one of which was a sleeping bag for my 20 year old college student sister

    E didn’t pay any mind to me throwing it in the car I guess. I think he’s been trying to “check out” on me :/ he’s been wearing headphones alot lately (sigh) another first

    Anyways…we get home & we start to get out of the car. I’m walking away when he notices the bag in the back

    He asks…What’s that?
    Me: It’s a sleeping bag
    Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SLEEPING BAG, TESHA?!

    ((Omg!))

    Me: It’s for Dominique
    Him: Do you really think you should leave it in the car so someone can break the window to get it?
    Me: (sigh) I really don’t think that’s gonna happen but ok

    Ugh testy testy



  18.  #18Posie on August 23, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Thanks for the reply Indigigo, and also worthy warning.

    I think my only regret is not having had the conversation much sooner. I guess I was worried about leaning in and wanted to see where he was going to go with it all. But I realized that it could stay gray forever and it was starting to suck way more often than it was felt good. I could have just stopped entertaining it and ignored him. I thought about that option. But it would have been weird and noticible in the workplace (and after over a year we were sort of passed the drop and disappear window) and if I had decided I did want to maintain a friendship or professional relationship, ignoring him woulda put a nail on that coffin. After thought, I decided that there’s stuff worth saving. If I can manage to separate it out over time.

    So it seemed the only choice was just to be up front and honest.

    Passed by him this morning, saw him looking. Still butterflies. But managed to keep them to myself rather than letting them show up on my face or carry me away 🙂 I’ll get there.



  19.  #19Mandy on August 23, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I promised myself I’d get back onto the blog more as I know some of the lovely kind SIrens on here have been concerned about me and I am very grateful.

    I wanted to relay that I had a Reiki session recently. Apparently my sacral chakra is out of control way out there just all over the place and it is pulling my other chakras out of alignment, heart, voice, mind, third eye.

    I only just recently shut down my sexual area from having SO MUCH energy going to it. I recently also raised my dose of Clompramine with my Psych doc, as it works with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder to quell it, and recently my OCD has been about sex. It’s like if I don’t have it I fear something bad will happen (very irrational fear). So the Clomipramine will help with the OCD and will help calm my sex drive down.

    I have also been trying to fill the void J left when I broke up with him. That need for intimacy. Understanding. Support. I feel so lonely tonight and sometimes.

    This particular post talks about when a man says something nasty for example. I dealt with a lot of it and usually I’d shut down, but I realized recently I’m the one who keeps it open, by going, hey, that feels bad.

    I am going through a heck of a lot of change right now and it feels freaky. Change and I were never best friends. But only thing constant is change.

    Wow, I feel a vulnerability, an empty space, loneliness, confusion, and anxiety. I’m trying to breathe it out. I even think I might need to go running in my apt complex’s fitness room.

    Be back soon……..



  20.  #20Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Indigo
    From the last thread…
    Thank you for the recommendation of coaching with Dominique.
    I remember when you were going through your experience with D
    and How much she helped you…. encouraged you to ease out of it
    and be kind and gentle with you as you continued to love YOU more
    and get more and more clear with what YOU wanted in a relationship.
    I guess that might be where I am…
    Getting more and more clear with how I want MY life to be…
    and continuing to take steps to make it happen…
    Will Spirit be able/want to go there with me?
    Thank you for your encouraging words and thoughtful
    loving care here on Siren Island!!!



  21.  #21Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:09 am

    (((Mandy)))
    Lovely Brave Siren!!
    I see you being so courageous… of course you would be experiencing the loss
    and confusion from the toxic relationship with J.

    And you have remained constant and craved and kept you safe by
    NOT letting him back!! or letting any man into your life that is NOT
    a LOVING, adoring, kind and caring man
    that you deserve….
    to me you are doing REALLY well… giant steps in Self LOVE…
    Which NO ONE can Take away!!
    You’ve got this girl!!!
    oxoxox



  22.  #22Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:19 am

    ((((lovetodance))))
    from last thread….
    I’m feeling VERY curious… How did your date go?
    Did you get to practice just enjoying it as a first date and staying in the moment like you had planned?

    Practicing you being “Light hearted and using every date as practice and therapy”
    You are sounding different in your posts from last week.
    Love to hear from you…
    lovely, warm hearted and free darling Siren!!!



  23.  #23Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:47 am

    Today I was practicing a tool that Grace shared a couple of weeks ago…
    I have a habit (my entire life) of loosing my energy out of ME…
    getting my energy mixed in EVERYONE elses space… I become agitated (for no apparent reason) in any given instance when around people….
    even a cashier at the gas station, or a person in line or at the grocery store…
    I’ve become more aware of it lately… since Grace mentioned it…

    Her tool of bringing my energy BACK TO ME… It works so well…
    It is sooooo calming for me…. it is making a change in me…

    When I was in the car with my son last week… I could feel my energy
    falling OUT all over the place…making ME feel agitated…
    and as I saw that happening…
    I started to pull it in… I visualized me bringing in My light, my energy
    bringing it all back into ME…and it calms ME and relaxes my whole aura…
    I’m sure it makes it much easier to be with me…

    But there are also times when I get/feel myself so small…
    When I feel less than ME, overwhelmed and absorbing other peoples energy…
    So Grace also shared a tool of pushing my energy out into a circle around ME…
    of expanding MY energy to hold MY space in any given moment…
    As I practice these on a daily basis – **I** am becoming MORE grounded

    So interesting when I’m sharing these two tools here…
    Me pushing OUT and Pulling IN…
    Expanding and Contracting… becoming MORE and MORE aware of
    WHERE **I** am at any given moment…
    Ahhhh… Me loving ME more…
    Taking Exquisite, Gentle, Adoring Care of ME…
    I love you Azure,,, I always will



  24.  #24Tee on August 24, 2016 at 9:58 am

    (SIGH) the power struggle continues. he’s back at it again

    I really dont understand how we can both seemingly want the same things yet dont know how to get it together
    So far, this is what I’ve figured out since this whole fiasco started

    E claims that he wants more initiated sex,
    *more of me asking him out (basically more attention)
    *more of me talking without him having to probe
    *more of me showing my body & not hiding behind t-shirts all the time
    *more listening to him
    *more relying on him (not his EXACT words but from the things he’s said as of late….I’m guessing that thats an underlying issue)

    I’m noticing that if he mentions/suggests something….I’m supposed to hop to it & comply within 2.3 seconds

    Anything less than that is (in his hot-headed brain) some form of a rejection which gives him the right to act like a 13 year old
    He figures since I’m not giving him the POSITIVE attention that he’s seeking, he’s gonna go for the negative & try to keep pushing until he thinks I’ll crack

    This is very disappointing to me. I’ve basically remained quiet which is good but I haven’t been using these opportunities to practice feeling messages as I should. Not sure entirely what my reluctance is based on. Insecure about not being good at it? Or just another instance where my intimacy issues have shown up? I mean as long as I dont have to talk with him, I dont have to go deeper

    That in itself is startling. I look back on Monday & there were tons of opportunities yet I said Nothing
    I was too busy being “cool”
    Plus the fact that he seemed to purposely tune me out, was hurtful

    I mean really….who drives with ear plugs in??? Its almost like he thought that I MIGHT talk to him so he put them in as a sign to say Look…Dont friggin talk to me at all! He’s never done that before!

    I love him, I want HIM….what I dont want…is that behavior. And I realize that I’m/we’re only good at giving negative attention, not positive

    Yeah, I’ve paid ALOT of attention to him over the years but it wasnt positive. Or maybe it was positive until my self esteem dropped, then it turned bad…like milk
    It was a lot of sarcasm, attitudes, text messages/phone calls where I’m yelling and such

    Yeah he ate it up. if you’re starving for attention almost anything will do.
    I should have picked up on this years ago when I was still heavily/actively/OBSESSIVELY in chase mode

    I literally followed him everywhere & his only complaint about it was that I wasn’t HAPPY in my following…there was no joy

    I guess he figured Well damn if you’re gonna follow me around at least have some fun, smile, talk to people, etc

    I did none of those things. I literally waited in my car watching the clock, wishing he’d hurry up so that we could go home where he was totally 100% mine

    And then, once I did have him home…it was almost like Ok now back up on the shelf you go

    Its almost like I just needed him THERE & I’m probably pissed because I had to literally drag him away from others but there still was no joy

    And what was HE doing while I was waiting? The same crap he probably still does to this day.

    He’s in the bar, he’s out of the bar. He runs across the street to talk to (insert some friends name) for 20 minutes
    He runs into (insert some friends name) walking down the street & they talk about some odd job that E could help with
    (insert some friends name) pulls up, they talk & smoke for 15 minutes

    E wants to ride downtown to see his cousin (insert somebody)…and then he’s there for 45 minutes
    While at his cousin’s house, he runs into someone he use to work with…now they’re talking about jobs
    on and on and on and on while I’M in the car like WTF is taking so long

    I swear its like we cant go anywhere without him running into someone who he knows, knew his aunt, his freakin Dad, blah blah blah
    I sat in the car so often that one of his relatives made a comment suggesting that E was mean for not letting me out of he car LOL & another friend of his called me E’s Parole Officer

    So I’m guessing its hard to go from too much attention to me switching it up to where he feels like he’s an afterthought

    Just putting it all out there to see. It still doesnt excuse his behavior at all. It still upsets me yet it also challenges me & adds to my growth

    So here I am (sigh)



  25.  #25Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    ((Tee))
    I think you’re doing such a good job reflecting on YOUR part
    and why you are struggling with expressing your feelings (they don’t HAVE to be feeling messages) we’re just not supposed to blame them…
    Felling messages are still VERY difficult for me to do…
    BUT I keep trying…

    I know that emotional intimacy is an ongoing practice for me…
    I get VERY nit picky when I feel like my intimacy level has been reached!
    and I have to take time. out…
    I don’t always know that is what is going on…. but later I’ll look back and see
    Wow… I can only handle so much!

    You have been changing SOOO MUCH in such a short amount of time…
    You are doing AMAZING…
    relax… give yourself LOTS of PRAISE… maybe look in the mirror and
    tell yourself how GREAT you are doing!!
    YOU ARE doing everything perfectly… it’s all Good!!
    Rori says – This **IS** there… You ARE THERE!!

    Do you and E get to do soft things… can you bring down your energy and
    emotional walls a little and look into his eyes and tell him you love him softly
    in his ear? Maybe try to find a way this week?

    I did this with Spirit this weekend… it made me feel close and soft to him
    and he melted too!! :-))



  26.  #26Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    (((Tee))
    Just an observation… to me it looks like E is trying to get close to you…
    I know Rori and all the coaches really emphasize us sharing with our man
    When THEY are doing something that WE LIKE…
    He has done things that you
    like… Much appreciation and sharing how good and happy those things make
    you feel…
    I know when I let Spirit know how wonderful it feels when he does something that I trully like.
    He will repeat it…
    I too get caught up in the things I”m NOT LIKING…

    I know the coaches tell us to concentrate on all the good…
    If we open our hearts – literally visualize opening our hearts
    and letting the LOVE our man is doing. and trying to ignore the rest of it…
    The other stuff will get less and less!

    This is a post from Rori:
    “Say It Straight Out
    When you’re feeling overcome by feelings of insecurity and mistrust,
    it’s so important to catch yourself, take steps to turn off those feelings,
    and replace them with feelings of loving and trusting yourself.

    But what can you do to bridge the actual space that’s developed between you
    and your man in the meantime?

    Believe it or not, telling him straight out what you’re feeling
    can be the best thing you can do… as long as you do it in EXACTLY THE RIGHT WAY.

    You need to bring your feelings to your man in a way that comes across as free of accusation, tension and agenda.

    Do NOT hit him with a laundry list of things he’s doing wrong. Do not make him a villain.
    All of this does nothing but make him instantly feel defensive, which only pushes things in the wrong direction and creates greater distance.

    It means saying only what you feel in your own body at any given moment
    while NEVER referring to your man or his actions.

    It’s all about expressing what YOU are feeling and experiencing, and nothing more.
    For example:
    Instead of asking him, “You’re working late again?
    What are you doing all day, flirting with your assistant?”…
    Tell him, “I’m really missing you with all of the long hours you’re putting in.
    It’s really making me feel sad and even a little insecure.”

    By not accusing him or making him defensive,
    you’re allowing him to hear you and giving him a chance to respond openly and honestly.

    Of course, if saying these things from the place of your own feelings still sends
    your man into “defensive mode” or sends him running out the door,
    so be it – you needed to know that he isn’t capable of hearing and attending to you.

    Plus, as a huge bonus, saying how you feel is a tremendous act of confidence
    in itself and goes a VERY long way
    toward helping you love, trust, and believe in YOURSELF again.
    Either Way, Mistrust Is NOT Something You Have To Live With”



  27.  #27Tee on August 24, 2016 at 1:01 pm

    #25, Thanks Azure. I’m feeling really tender at the moment.
    I felt triggered by someone on another forum (smh)

    Anyways…interesting concept. Intimacy levels. Never thought of it that way

    The only thing E & I have done recently was have sex (smh) and I swear it was some of the most intense encounters we’ve had in a very long time & he seemed so desperate….trying to prove something?

    I tried to “ask him out” the other week but he had plans…that was hurtful

    All I can think is that he’s not responding well to the changes because I have nothing else to go on

    I feel like he’s avoiding me or trying to hurt me with his absence in the hopes that I’ll go back to how things were?

    I’m trying to not ask or question because I’m sure that the answer wont satisfy me

    I dont know lol I feel like I’m just trying to keep from falling apart here plus not going backwards

    I’ll see what I can do. Right now I feel like he doesnt want to be around me :/
    So I’m not sure how he’s trying to get close….unless you mean that he’s tried previously

    And maybe I am “doing this wrong”

    I’m making changes but not talking about any of them while ignoring him
    Maybe if I had just said how I enjoyed something or how I just felt like MY LIFE needed sprucing up & that it had nothing to do with HIM…than he’d be ok?

    Not that its about him of course but this whole thing is new territory



  28.  #28Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    Tee… I have noticed as **I** change there are times – weeks – months… that I just stay still…
    nothing much happens… BUT I am different and that is GOOD…

    I think it might be helpful to share that you were feeling..

    I love what you said here as a feeling message to share with E
    “Maybe if I say how I enjoyed something or how I just felt like MY LIFE needed sprucing up…”

    I’m not sure but maybe you could share (this is being VERY vulnerable)
    how you were feeling stuck in a negative pattern in the relationship and
    You knew you wanted to change your part in it.
    then maybe ask him if that makes since?

    I struggle with being vulnerable… so I practice in my head – days and weeks.
    And -BOOM- all of a sudden Spirit says something that is just the right time
    for me to share one that I’ve been practicing!!
    I’m ALwAYS soo PROUD of myself!!



  29.  #29Azure Blu on August 24, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    I have found – the more I learn to love ME
    the easier it is to share my authentic voice
    and expose my innocent vulnerable heart…
    because that takes Great Courage!!
    onward and forward!!



  30.  #30Tee on August 24, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    #27 Azure, today is one of those days where I’m just tender and I want this to end
    I feel hopeless, stupid and unloved
    Everyone else thinks I’m wasting my time and I need to just “be his friend”

    I could never Just be his friend
    I’ve tried & it just hurts regardless

    We were broken up once for 2 years & I was completely miserable…all I did was think of him & fantasize about getting back together & yes I pursued him

    I look for him everywhere I go even when I know he’s not anywhere near there

    I can’t *JUST. BE. FRIENDS*

    I’ve passed that point years ago :/

    I know that I’m probably way past being healthy at this point but at least I own it

    I figured maybe he does need to know what’s going on with me so that he can let his guard down?

    He just seems distant & short with me which isn’t like him

    Ugh



  31.  #31Tee on August 25, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Of course, as fate would have it…right after I posted last night E shows up
    Its definitely awkward, for me
    I feel like I dont know what to say or do sooo I’m just there
    And he’s just….there

    it was cute watching the lovefest between father and son
    lots of hugs and kisses

    I did hear him telling Isiah lol that he was gonna be off work for a while & that his older son just started working with him

    The only words that were exchanged was me telling him this morning that I was going to the store & he asked me to pick up some rolls

    (shrug)

    it felt like old times which was good, yet I’m so ready to move past that
    but its ok

    I need to not judge & try not to rush ahead



  32.  #32Emerson on August 25, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    Hello Sirens….
    I like what Rori says here with the specific examples and how NOT to shut down…WOW I really shut down as my default..
    I can be very self critical with the NVs telling me I don’t know how to handle tense situations, and I just freeze. I know it’s ok for me to use feeling messages.
    I saw a CD from way back when….cutecityCD and we’ve had this crazy attraction every time we see each other….
    I’m glad I went to see him, yes I went to his house. I usually don’t travel to see a man but I went to the City to see him and felt resentful that he didn’t pay for my parking. I ran into some trouble leaving the city with traffic, etc and started texting him my frustration about it, and now I feel like i was “drama” and should have just dealt with it. He replied and said sorry to hear i was having difficulty…but what could he do anyway.
    Underneath I was actually angry and frustrated that he didn’t pay for my parking. but I didn’t express that. Then I leaned forward and text him after that day and he replied hello and what not, but he has not been leaning forward or making initiative to see me.
    I need to get my siren vibe back and lean back and just stop!!!
    Ugh…I feel so awkward and self critical…



  33.  #33Emerson on August 25, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    I also vented my frustrations to another CD about some other issues with my family business, and he never replied. He had offered to help me with it, as he is an expert in the industry but he didn’t follow through, and I was angry. Again I avoided saying how I really feel and instead vented about how poorly the business is faring lately and my frustration about that….
    He never replied.
    Maybe I’m “unloading” too much on these guys about my frustration and I know men are intuitive…maybe they can sense that underneath it is really ANGER….that I’m feeling…and men shy away from that….
    How can I release this Anger!!?? I feel it coming out when I talk to men that I’m attracted to.



  34.  #34Emerson on August 25, 2016 at 10:46 pm

    I feel prickly and tense



  35.  #35Tee on August 26, 2016 at 4:26 am

    Emerson, it is interesting the things that pop up when we lean back
    I’ve noticed anger but mostly anxiety and boredom with just having ME to deal with

    Taking on others at the expense of myself has been My default….so I feel off-kilter without it

    I’m also noticing some anger too & avoidance. ….sarcasm as well



  36.  #36Tee on August 26, 2016 at 4:28 am

    I’ve been trying to think of these things as being “good for me”

    Challenges. A purging of sorts.

    They’re uncomfortable but I try to just sit still emotionally speaking. Talking with supportive people helps too



  37.  #37Tee on August 26, 2016 at 4:39 am

    In other news, E shows up & he seems back to “normal” …we talk about a few things, nothing major. He tells me he’s off until Wednesday, he’s looking into another job as well

    I eye him suspiciously

    I know that eventually the issue of sex will be brought up & it dawned on me that I’ve probably been punishing him/myself through sex

    Not withholding the sex but withholding in the enjoyment

    Why? Because I can’t control him

    He’s been “disappearing” and I’ve been questioning his fidelity or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself so that I can keep the demons employed

    Deep down, I really really really don’t suspect cheating. Is he capable? Of course, we all are but I just don’t get that vibe from E ….that he’s been out humping everything in sight

    But since I don’t know for an actual fact, that sliver of doubt alone has been enough to keep my hormones at bay?

    Could that be what it is? For the past 3 years or so, my hormones have been DOA & I always believed it was hormonal despite all of the tests proving otherwise.

    Could it really be me? Did I kill them myself, unknowingly, as punishment for E being E??

    I have to think on this one smh



  38.  #38Indigo on August 26, 2016 at 5:49 am

    Emerson 32,

    I would caution you about unloading too much onto a CD. It’s not that you don’t have every right, but bear in mind that this guy is still getting to know you. I know that it is tempting when you have been single for a long time and are used to doing things on your own to want someone to lean on, and when you meet a guy to want to reach out for support, but I would caution you to resist this temptation at first. It is too much, too soon. Remember, guys bond slowly, and whatever their words might say, it takes time for that level of investment to grow with them. There is plenty of time later on if you guys are in a relationship or dating seriously for him to help you and be involved in your life in that way. At this stage it is likely to make him back off. This is actually something that a guy friend of mine opened my eyes to. Why a guy might say one thing in the early stages of dating but then his actions come off as far less committed. It’s because the intentions might be there, but that bond and that investment take time for guys to build, but once they are there, they are very strong.

    I must say it is one thing I did right with the current guy I am with. Even though he was the sweetest, most adorable guy right from the beginning, I held off on asking or expecting certain things from him until I was more sure of him, because I didn’t want to be disappointed. For example, I didn’t call him when I ran out of petrol one day, even though he was already my boyfriend (this was when we were about a month into our relationship), I called my stepdad rather. Now that he has proved his commitment a lot more, I know he would do almost anything to help me. Every guy wants to be a hero to women, I think you just need to be careful to let them do it without the burden of undue expectations, if that makes any sense.



  39.  #39Indigo on August 26, 2016 at 5:54 am

    The other thing is that I think it is really important to come off as positive and sweet and light in the beginning when dating, because the beginning stages of dating are meant to be fun.

    You of course have a right to the problems which are going on in your life, it would probably just be better to turn to family or friends….



  40.  #40Tee on August 26, 2016 at 8:46 am

    ok yall…E just called to tell me that he’s taking our son out of daycare early so that they can hang out at the pool
    He said that he already had his bag packed etc etc
    I slipped and was like…Do you have this? Did you get his…?

    He was like Tee….who are you talking to? (meaning…ummm you think I’m new at this?)
    I said Ok ok…I forgot, I apologize
    He said that he was just Letting me know
    I said Cool…thank you!
    Now I’m slightly freakin out….or I was
    The lack of control. Not being able to be there, to watch, to protect, to prevent, etc
    Isiah is so young, so fast, so fearless
    I had to stop myself from asking anymore questions. I think I was trying to stall E
    I got the impression (and I could be just imagining it) that he didnt expect or want to be questioned
    He was taking his son to the pool, he was just letting me know…end of story

    Now my mind is filled with possibilities because I dont believe that they’ll be home quickly…especially since its Friday
    What do I do with myself? Gym? Massage? Bookstore? Mani/Pedi?
    Also, what do I say when they return? E doesnt like being “thanked” for things that he feels he should do anyway as a Dad
    but I wanna say something

    Any suggestions?



  41.  #41Azure Blu on August 26, 2016 at 10:02 am

    ((TEE))
    your powers of self observation is remarkable Girl!!!

    How great that you STOPPED yourself AND apologized!!!WOW
    That is VERY respectful of E!!

    What I have found – instead of saying thank you – especially if E feels like
    it sounds condesneding to him…
    I might say How happy (or how it makes you feel) it makes me feel when he
    takes Isahia out and has father son time!!
    Great time to practice sharing feelings !!!

    Go Tee!!! You’ve got this Shinning Siren!!
    :-)) – oxoxoxo



  42.  #42Tee on August 26, 2016 at 10:46 am

    Thanks! Its easy to pick up things when I’m not always looking for something to be butt-hurt about

    I think E really did me a favor by misbehaving. I’ve had to learn to let go of so many fearful things

    I didnt like it & I’m still able to be triggered but I feel like the death grip isnt on me anymore

    And its funny how I’m still trying to figure out what to do with myself
    BABY STEPS!!

    I think I’m trying too hard to appear BUSY to myself …and to him
    BREATHE



  43.  #43Azure Blu on August 26, 2016 at 11:33 am

    Tee… yeah I get what you’re saying…
    the “Wow… that happened – I did something different – let go
    and I didn’t DIE!!!???
    It feels VERY empowering to ME…
    and My Self Esteem gets better and better!!
    :-))
    We;ll both BREATH together… Sighhhhhhhh!
    LOL



  44.  #44Tee on August 26, 2016 at 11:51 am

    LOL exactly
    and its making me anxious which is where I DONT want to be
    So I’ll go home, Do the mani/pedi
    Have a beer, play some music, cook or maybe read and wait for my guys to return so I can hear all about it 🙂



  45.  #45Lucinda on August 26, 2016 at 3:35 pm

    I tried to comment on one of the earlier blog entries about the issues I’m having with my husband right now, but the comments never posted so I’ll summarize it here since I feel it is more relevant to this blog entry than the other one. Basically my husband and I have been married a little under a year. We have two children together, a new baby and a child of mine from a previous relationship. He is a great father and a nice person except for the suspicions I’ve had about him cheating in the past several months. I found evidence to possible cheating–including flirty online conversations he had with other girls, and condoms in his wallet and car (none actually used though)–but when I initially confronted him after each piece of evidence, he’d shut down, get on the defense, and try to deflect the blame and problem to me. I know these are likely “typical guy” manipulation tactics to get the blame focus off of the guy at fault. At first he was in straight denial and lied about any involvement in any of the evidence I found, but eventually he admitted he had involvement or he changed his story. He did swear up and down that there’s been absolutely no physical cheating at all, and that at most he thought about cheating (hence the condom purchase) but before he could do it, decided against doing it. That, to me, is a big red flag that we are in a marriage crisis, either because he’s wanted to cheat in the recent past, or at best because he wants me to think he’s considered cheating. I’ve attempted open talks with him, questioning him on the whole truth, and we’re currently in couples therapy. What should I do in the meantime? Should I be “circular dating”? I know that once the whole truth comes out (hopefully it will), if there was any physical cheating, it’s a deal breaker for me. Right now I feel foolishly strung along, waiting for the therapist to eventually feel that my husband is ready to tell me everything. I hate the idea of maintaining my faithful loyalty to him while I’m questioning if he’s been loyal to me. I know that if I found out he was cheating, I would want to start seeing someone else because I wouldn’t feel the need to stay 100% his anymore. What do you think? What do you recommend to someone who is being “shot down” by a defensive husband, and suspects cheating, in a marriage situation? Thanks in advance.



  46.  #46Emerson on August 26, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    Tee and indigo
    Thank you for your comments! It feels nice to read them. Thank you for your honesty.
    Grrr I feel like I “messed up”….but I won’t be too hard on myself.
    I’m working through my anger.
    And my fears.
    It takes time.



  47.  #47Lovetodance on August 27, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Dear Azure
    I love reading about the tool of pulling your light/energy into yourself and also letting it radiate out. It is an art form and what I feel is how we communicate . It’s a bit scarey to know how powerful it is. The responsibility one has to refine and work with one’s own thoughts, reactions, drives,clarity or lack there of…
    I liken it to the power of food..,, we are what we eat and that can be such a bummer. Am I really all that chocolate when I could have should have been that broccoli?! lol. Anyhow so much to refine….
    My date….I enjoyed myself. Stayed present. He talked a lot and was sensitive to his own over talking. . We did relate and yet I didn’t feel a big chemistry. I felt a liking of him but not compelled to kiss him Nd felt relieved when we just hugged at the end .
    I texted him with some info material that was discussed during the evening thanked him again and told him he was a gentleman. He texted back with that I was very sweet and lovely.
    I did not respond..
    I felt ambivalent and did not want to lead him on
    I didn’t hear from him again and 3 days later I sent him a breezy hello
    He responded breezily and the I did
    And then poof
    He’s no dummy and been around the block my feeling is he isn’t going to invest where he’s not feeling it from me
    I Can’t fake it
    I probably would have gone on a second date if he asked with hesitation but he hasn’t asked and I don’t suspect he will
    I am ok with it
    In terms of my light and my energy I think my signals are strong. When my heart is open and there is attraction I can’t seem to hide it. When ism less enthused I can’t seem to hide that either .
    So I don’t know if I can ill off cding
    I do have someone waiting for a phone call from me. I need to work on my enthusiasm. Times like this I wonder if I have the energy or enuf desire to be in s relationship
    A lot of it is that the guys I am attracted to online are not the ones contacting me.



  48.  #48Indigo on August 27, 2016 at 1:56 am

    Emerson,

    No you did not mess up. That is the beauty of dating, you get to experiment with all these things with no expectations or dire consequences.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on August 27, 2016 at 5:46 am

    Good morning lovetodance!!
    Ahhh… so nice to hear about you and your life in the online dating world!!

    I totally know what you mean… the ones I am attracted to don’t seem to contact me either…
    When it is up to me to call I end up feeling lazy and ambivalent… and shy…
    I put it off and they are off put when I keep rescheduling…

    My one solution has been to ask them to call me…
    and explain that
    “I am a little shy (the truth)
    and calling them is difficult…
    I’d love to hear their voice – it would be perfect if they called me.
    How does that sound?”
    That works best for me! :-))

    Ahhh….my delema –
    I crave, love, relationship, intimacy,
    physical touch, emotional connection
    and romance…. but it takes energy and time and I’ve been doing it
    for SOOOOOOO long!
    Darn it!!!! i really don’t want to be alone anymore…
    I’m feeling like I am getting closer to my Mr. Right…
    I’ve been able to let down more walls than ever before and be with Spirit exclusively for 8 months…

    Yes… am I ALLLL chocolate… maybe… and that is so lusciously Sweeeet!
    but I feel so much better when I eat more broccoli ~:-))

    Another disagreement with Spirit… constantly we are in tension…
    it feels bad…
    I don’t feel like I can trust him…
    He snuck (yeah that’s exactly how it felt) out last Sunday –
    I couldn’t figure out why but something felt off…
    and – as Rori says: the Truth will come out –
    on Wed. he admitted to being at his family’s function on suday and
    didn’t invite me –
    I can’t let this man stay in my life…
    I can feel a toxic attraction to him now…
    I don’t want to go online dating again…
    I’ve invested 2 years (most of which i was CDing) in being with him
    He is so Charming, upbeat, funny and fun… and his warm lovely voice and body is so marvelously familiar now….
    Lots of GOOD – but this feeling of NOT trusting
    Is now VERY pervasive… I hadn’t felt that before

    This is MY Comfort Zone… being with someone I can’t trust…
    who lies… disieves by leaving information out…
    and continues to insist on having religious and political discussions??!!
    Why?
    This is NOT the relationship I want for ME!!!

    This time I packed all his clothes and put them in his bags
    put them on the front porch… but he didn’t pick them up….
    I capitulated… and now
    i;ve been working on the “I cant’ do this relationship…” script

    I’ve said all the stuff to him in the past – about what I want in a relationship
    most of which he actually has done!!! Rori’s tools are magical

    But this lack of trustworthiness and NOT inviting me to HIS family
    functions (time and again)…
    is heartbreaking and I DONT ever want to hear a
    story like that from him again…
    So I do know how to fix that…
    WALK AWAY NOW – darling Azure –
    I will
    I can
    I need prayers and strength
    and the courage to feel the pain of loss (only for a little while darling Azure)
    ONE MORE TIME…

    As I continue to LOVE ME – What I want in a relationship…
    The exquisite care, love and cherishing me
    will be the ONLY thing that I will tolerate from a man…
    I will be able to open my heart and let a loving, kind man
    come close and love ME..
    It is ME who is trying to LET that happen…
    I love YOU Azure
    YOU deserve – only the best!!!



  50.  #50Azure Blu on August 27, 2016 at 6:02 am

    PS.
    Darling Azure YOU are NOT a victim…
    I made this choice to experience All that I could with Spirit…
    he has Tried so hard and we have both worked on our
    relationship skills…
    and moved mountains in regards to
    opening our hearts to each other!!
    Monumental at our age!!
    Yay ME!
    and now I know…
    Yes Spirit is an amazing and wonderful man…
    and I do love him a lot…
    but THIS is NOT the relationship I want!!!

    So… now I do know that… one more time…
    Darling Azure… your timing IS PERFECT….
    You will let go when
    YOU ARE READY!!!
    Relax… YOU are Exactly where your supposed to be!
    Thanks for listening Sirens!!



  51.  #51Lovetodance on August 27, 2016 at 9:41 am

    I heard and feel all you have said beautiful courageous wise and strong azure
    I and I know so many of us are holding your hand and feeling your heart amazing siren as you continue down this path of healing. Whatever the twists and turns
    I will be here listening supporting
    So much love
    You will continue to dove hat I’d fight for you
    One question
    Did he say why he did not invite you along? If so is it something that your heart understands or is it destructive to your sense of wholeness ?



  52.  #52Azure Blu on August 27, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Ahhh… lovetodance
    thank you for your lovely Siren support and encouragement!!
    He mentioned that he didn’t think I wanted to go to church…where they were all going to meet and then go to lunch after that
    most times when he asks if I want to go to church I have gone … the excuse doesn’t make any since at this point
    I just need to say… after 2 years – this is too weird… and the sneaking…
    I have dated many men who wanted me to meet the family by the first month – if not sooner…
    I know I keep giving him chances and letting it go… because he has changed so many things
    BUT his children are in their 30s

    HE really is ***MY old story***
    I really do have a ***NEW Story that I want to LIVE***

    just like Indigo and Victoria said a few threads ago…
    The old boyfriends were Sooo cumbersome and NOT easy…
    They’d adjust this and that
    learn a new tool for self love etc…
    BUT in the end they let the old bf go
    Cause it was NOT EASY
    and their NEW relationship is EASY!!!



  53.  #53Azure Blu on August 27, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    Lucinda… huggs and much love to you…
    I know you must be in such turmoil… with a newborn… Usually both parents starts feeling neglected when all the time and attention has to be put on a NEW addition to the family…
    any thoughts of date nights?
    Ignore all that you think he has done and ONLY speak about all the good he does..

    Have you purchased Rori’s Relationship ebook??? I HIGHLY recommend that –
    read that first… so much GREAT information…
    It will turn your life AROUND!!!

    Taking your focus OFF OF him and focusing On YOUR feelings
    (that is the first step after purchasing her ebook)
    figuring out WHAT YOU ARE REALLY FEELING…
    What is YOUR part in this… learning to LOVE All of YOU!
    Hang in there lovely Siren… share your feelings here and we will help you through this!!



  54.  #54Grace on August 27, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Azure – sending so many hugs and bright comforting positive vibes for you! I wish I had something more to offer, but I am humbly witnessing and learning from you as you share so courageously. Thank you!



  55.  #55IamHis on August 28, 2016 at 3:49 am

    Everything inside of me is fighting!!!!!!



  56.  #56Waterfall on August 28, 2016 at 5:54 am

    Azure,

    Well done for staying so true to yourself!! I feel your pain, but I know you will be okay.

    I am sending you positive thoughts…

    YOU are such a WONDERFUL and POSITIVE spirit in the universe. YOU deserve someone who can see how brightly your STAR shines, and wants to fully embrace it treating you as the queen and siren that you are .

    I have been following your story for sometime now and wondering how things were with you and SPIRIT. I am so glad to that you are giving yourself lots of lovely self-loving. You definitely deserve it.

    I believe really good things will happen to you now. You have learned so much from this experience.

    You have learned to OPEN yourself up and be vulnerable.

    You have learned to OPEN your heart.

    I see so much of my own story in yours. I am following you and feeling inspired by you.

    I will keep on reading….

    good and positive vibes to you darling siren… xxxxx



  57.  #57Tee on August 28, 2016 at 6:27 am

    I need to get this out before I forget
    I’ve submerged myself so deeply into my Rori Raye program that it showed up in my subconscious while I was asleep

    I remember my son lying next to me & I could barely get it together myself because I kept trying to make sure he was covered up correctly

    He’d move, then the covers would move…then I’d move to fix the covers for him
    This happened over & over

    Somewhere in my mind, the Rori Raye stuff kept popping up. It made me feel like I’m doing things that I’m not being ASKED to do
    ….I couldn’t tell if the message was in relation to the baby or E

    As for my son, I was concerned that he’d be cold because, to me, it felt cold so I sacrificed my being comfortable for him
    I’ve done the same for E countless times smh

    *I* felt uncomfortable with whatever so I would assume that he would too so I’d ‘take care of it’

    Sooo yeah, doing things that I haven’t been ASKED to do :/

    And, since leaning back….I’m starting to wonder if E really is or has been giving me everything that I want but I can’t/won’t see it??

    Yesterday, he helped with breakfast. He made lunch. He bought a few movies for the house the other day. He took the baby swimming & showed me videos and he called to check on us last night

    E has always ALWAYS done this yet I’m thinking that since it’s not big or outrageous or wrapped up in pink bows…that’s it’s subpar

    It doesn’t feel intimate
    I don’t feel connected to him and I believe that that’s what I’m searching for yet I’m not sure what I want more of

    I’m pretty sure of what I want LESS of but not MORE of….if that makes sense

    I kinda feel dumb lol BUT at least now I can start to point out that I see what he’s doing & it’s cool 🙂



  58.  #58Azure Blu on August 28, 2016 at 7:09 am

    Ahhhh… lovely Grace…
    I am feeling all your warm vibes coming my way!! it is So very comforting
    to read your words and hear your lovely siren song
    as it floats through the universe to my hungry ears!!
    Thank you for your huggs and encouragement!
    oxoxo



  59.  #59Azure Blu on August 28, 2016 at 7:13 am

    Sweet Waterfall…
    so nice to see you here again!!
    I feel comforted by your soft, warm encouraging words
    and huggs!!
    the strength you are giving me by sharing with me how you have seen my
    journey with Spirit…
    and that good things are right around the corner
    my throat swells with feelings of receiving love and comfort from
    you…
    It is VERY empowering!
    Thank you!



  60.  #60Lucinda on August 28, 2016 at 9:29 am

    Azure Blue,

    Here are the feelings I had at the time that I found condoms: shock, hurt, betrayal, and feeling like I was punched in the stomach. I felt idiotic and naive, and that made me resent myself even more. I’d been cheated on in the past but admittedly some of those guys were immature, young, or plain jerks. That was rotten enough. But it makes me feel even stupider when even the known “nice guys”, like my husband, potentially disrespect me like that. I also felt ripped off and trapped, because if he’d cheated, it would have occurred during those early weeks when I was “grounded” with a newborn baby, busy trying to find a routine and a rhythm with feeding my ever-hungry newborn and all. He would have had many more opportunities to discreetly cheat than I ever could, which seemed unfair to me.

    Now that it’s been a while since the condoms and cheating suspicions, I have these feelings about the situation: confusion, veeeerrrrry cautious optimism (optimistic that he didn’t actually do anything physical with anyone else, and also optimistic that maybe we can eventually work through it, eventually), and melancholy. The cautious optimism/hope and the bitter, sullen melancholy seem to alternate, like that of a bipolar individual. All of my readings about infidelity tell me that it’s very common for a woman’s moods, feelings, and outlook to fluctuate so rapidly in the months after she’s been cheated on, like mine have. During the times I feel melancholy, I also still feel anger and outrage, and the need to start meeting guys myself in order to feel “even”. One part of my anger is in feeling ripped off and strung along, because I STILL do not feel like I have the whole story from my husband. The trust is gone. Even if he never technically cheated on me, and only contemplated it without any specific gameplan, I’d still feel untrusting of my husband. I feel that way because let’s face it, there’s NO good reason for a committed husband to carry a condom on him!…even if he still hasn’t used it a few months after purchasing it. I feel led on by the fact that even our therapist is making me wait before questioning my husband about everything that happened or may have happened. The therapist says my husband isn’t ready yet, needs more one-on-one therapy. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking and I’m tired of essentially being a faithful lady in waiting. I’d rather just rip the bandaid off quickly, than have this continue to be strung out. The extra length of time it’s taking to get the full truth is wearing out my patience and making me second guess my own suspicions and judgments. I even question if I’m being gaslighted in a small way.

    In the meantime, I’m still married, still living with my husband, and still sexually involved with him. Am I stupid for continuing to have unprotected sex with him when there’s a possibility of indiscretions? Please tell me if I am. If anything, we’ve been more sexually involved than before. Admittedly I feel the need to compete for sexual attention with whatever girls he might have met and/or be hoping to one day meet. I did make him get tested for STDs to prove he was still clean, which he obliged. I act like the happy wife, and sometimes I really am a happy wife with him; but other times I feel secretly bitter and panicked about the possibility that he cheated. During those meloncholy panicky times, I start wondering if I should start looking at other guys myself, both as a protective measure (so I don’t feel so one-sidedly betrayed if he does later confess to a past cheating episode) and in hopes that’ll raise my confidence and every other benefit that Rori outlines with “circular dating”. I’ve started doing the very small, preliminary aspects of “circular dating”. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m thinking about other guys, whereas other times I feel defiantly justified.

    My husband and I are still in therapy. We’re supposed to have our next group session in 1-2 weeks, which is when I’ll finally be able to ask my husband my list of questions. Our group session had been postponed due to my husband’s inability to communicate honestly or without breaking down. If he cheated, I know I’d feel the need to start seeing other guys of my own, because I’d feel like a fool for staying faithful to someone who didn’t do that for me. That’s how I feel.



  61.  #61Azure Blu on August 28, 2016 at 11:25 am

    Tee #57
    How cool is it that you were dreaming the Rori tools!!
    I remember when I started dreaming the Rori tools… I felt so warm and encouraged…
    thinking that I had incorporated these changes into my subconscionce!!

    so interesting to read about the dream!! :-))
    and that you are getting good at seeing all the ways that E is showing
    his love during everyday stuff through his ACTIONS…
    which Rori tells us is really the ONLY way we can feel his love!!!
    Ahhh… this all sounds good! :-))



  62.  #62Azure Blu on August 28, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Lucinda..
    I can tell you are feeling very vulnerable while sitting still…
    even though
    you don’t know if your Husband has/is cheating…
    I would feel that also….

    In the mean time… I recommend purchasing Rori’s
    Revised book… it isnt’ very long-with LOTS of tools and information-
    “Have the Relationship YOu Want”
    When I was in a panick about my BF of 4 years ago… I read and reread
    this book!!!
    it was a lifesaver and put on the road to Changing my life
    for the better!!
    huggs and love



  63.  #63Azure Blu on August 28, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Lucinda…
    here is the link for the book!
    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/catalog/ebook.html



  64.  #64Tee on August 28, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    #61 Azure Blue,

    It is good but I’m wondering if I’m expecting too much or if things feel stagnant because there’s no drama right now?

    I feel like there’s no connection
    No intimacy
    No spark
    At least for me

    I want more but then….I haven’t made it known how much I appreciate what I’m currently Getting yet sooo maybe it’s a bit presumptuous to reach for more??



  65.  #65Azure Blu on August 29, 2016 at 6:17 am

    Tee—
    Rori and all the Sirens who have found it
    Say that letting go of the drama is difficult…
    But the WONDERFUL calm and dependable
    LOVE Feels SOOOO much BETTER!!

    Thinking that drama, chaos and anxiety
    IS LOVE
    Is STILL my subconscious thinking!!
    The day to day crazies that Spirit
    brings for me
    is what I am trying to give up!!!
    Until then
    as Rori says – Relax – sink into it
    and it will happen… when the time is right!!

    I don’t know Tee…
    I can feel some anger and rage in you…
    when you’re dealing with E
    Wonder if dealing with that
    and going deeper – from childhood?
    Would help you be able
    to be vulnerable and accept E’s love
    and share your appreciation and respect for what
    HE does do?
    Just a question I have been asking myself
    these last 2 days



  66.  #66Tee on August 29, 2016 at 7:32 am

    #65 Good Morning Siren Azure

    You know…I dont know if I think that the chaos & anxiety is love…but its SOMETHING
    You may not like it but I guess its like sitting in a room with no sound
    Then theres sound. Ok its the sound of a vacuum cleaner lol but theres no longer any SILENCE

    Does this make sense?

    My problem is that I’m still trying to control
    I’m not comfortable in the NOW
    I was thinking about this too

    I dont TRUST myself to be able to handle anything thats not in some type of ORDER
    Or anything that cant be easily predicted

    My ANGER at E takes many forms

    He angers me because he’s not perfect
    Because he can’t be CONTROLLED

    He doesnt live his life by time-frames, clocks &/or schedules too often
    I think I’ve said this before….if he wants to go bowling at midnight or out for a burger at 2am
    Then thats EXACTLY where he’s going or what he plans to do

    Me being me, I dont feel that those hours are “suitable”
    I’m annoyed because he “couldnt” go in the daytime
    Why didn’t he bring this up before?
    E being E, he’ll say something like….Well, I’m hungry now…I felt like bowling now, didnt feel like it earlier.

    Which makes total sense. So, in essence, I guess my lack of trust in MYSELF has transferred to my lack of trust with E

    He’s not this way ALL of the time, but I notice that when hes doing things MY WAY (home early, not doing much, etc LOL)…I’m fine
    When he’s just being himself (running around the city at odd hours helping friends do Lawd knows what)…then I’m on edge
    I try not to count the hours or watch the clock “calculating” how long it’ll be before he returns

    I’m angry because he’s an upset to MY sense of “order”

    Now, I’m also pretty sure that if I had a man of “ORDER”
    I’d really love it at first & then I think eventually I’d be bored

    E doesn’t see how 1 thing has anything to do with the other
    His coming in late has nothing to do with his ability to be a good parent, go to work, etc
    He’s right….however, IN MY MIND….this isn’t how its “supposed” to go

    He told me once that…I don’t ASK enough
    I see now that sometimes, I punish myself (and him) in the not asking
    Say for example, that I need help with the baby but I see that he’s asleep from a night out
    I’ll just handle the boy myself without saying anything

    Sometimes I’d seething on the inside, sometimes I’m not
    He has said this to me several times…he doesnt care how ASLEEP he is
    if I need something, wake him up

    I think the reasons why I DONT are several
    1. I wouldnt want it done to me so therefore I dont do it to others even if they’ve asked
    2. It lets me stay in pissed off mode which benefits me in terms of reducing intimacy
    3. Fear of intimacy

    I’m learning so much…but I think that this “stuff” was already here
    I just couldnt pinpoint it. Its like trying to think of the name of “that movie” lol
    you KNOW what it is, its right on the tip of your tongue but it escapes you time & time again 😛

    But yes, I need to focus on the positive ♡



  67.  #67Azure Blu on August 29, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Tee… WOW… Great insights… as usual – :-))

    I have taken the opportunity…for the last 4 days… to
    go deeper into discovering what is going on With **ME**
    during my date with Spirit – last wed. I had another angry
    outburst in public and once again told him
    “I’m Done!!”
    I have had angry outbursts with ALLL my boyfriends since high School
    For one thing or another… they used to be VERY BAD
    in public… in private… Most of the bf/husbands handle it and ignore it…
    BUT – I don’t like ME doing that…
    It has gotten MUCH better in the last 4 years BUT
    it causes so much chaos… anxiety and DRAMA
    for ME –
    and Spirit gets embarrassed when It happens in public (which has been almost every time we’re in public for the past 2 months!!!)

    I have practiced NOT doing this… I have practiced – walking away…
    I have visualized me putting my hand over my heart and saying
    “I feel scared/angry/confused… Can you tell me why you said that?”
    But – even though I have gotten MUCH better… still it is an angry outburst
    and NO ONE deserves to be treated that way…
    Especially NOT ME! :-))
    I want to heal whatever is causing this so I can be with a better quality man
    and for ME!!

    This definitely keeps intimacy at bay…



  68.  #68Tee on August 29, 2016 at 9:35 am

    #67 LOL all of this healing is tiring!
    I’m seeing that I am definitely something of an enigma
    I create situations where I dont have to deal with ME

    I was thinking about all of the guys that I’ve liked & how things went with them
    I never stayed long. I enjoyed it enough to be amused over the power I had over them
    Once I stopped being entertained, I moved on

    Once I got bored with them fawning over me, I moved on
    E was a challenge because…while he did like me/enjoy me & fawn over me
    He was NOT able to be mesmerized into a stupor like most guys
    My best hand was my looks, my sexuality. He’d look at me like Ok, awesome…what else do you have?

    I had nothing. He scared me because he held that part away from me
    that part that I knew that I could control & I’ve been “looking” for it ever since

    but I dont think its control I’m after
    E is a distraction. A finely tuned distraction that I have to will myself away from
    As long as he remains uncontrollable, I’ll keep searching for ways to control him
    I’ll keep moving further & further AWAY from ME
    Those other guys were boring…they didnt offer enough of a distraction from myself

    They were too quiet & E is LOUD in comparison
    Someone who is afraid of themselves needs alot of noise to drown things out

    I dont know if this is good or bad
    I dont think I could have grown with anyone else
    At least not any man that wasn’t gonna “stand up to me”….I’m wording it badly lol
    E doesnt stand up to me but he’s a man thats not easily impressed by women & their sexuality
    I think he enjoys it, can appreciate it but if you’re a girl shaking your ass in his face…he’ll be like Ok, that was cool…now what time does the game come on??? I wasn’t USE to not getting a response in that respect! I was a young girl, thats all that I had…thats all that I thought I needed lol

    I need to stop looking at this as BAD
    E is offering me….MYSELF

    In all of his “disappearing”….I’ve had to deal with myself
    yes it hurts…but why?

    The lack of trust? Trust in myself? having to LOOK at myself?
    it was dark & painful….sitting & not knowing
    just me & my thoughts
    But why?? Why is it so scary? What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid of me?



  69.  #69Azure Blu on August 30, 2016 at 1:56 am

    Tee…
    this is so Good!!
    “I need to stop looking at this as BAD
    E is offering me….MYSELF

    In all of his “disappearing”….I’ve had to deal with myself
    yes it hurts…but why?”

    LoL I agree – healing is very tiring!!

    I’ve been reading several of Dominque’s blog posts on her web site…
    REALLY good stuff about – Healing ME –
    Trusting and Allll my triggers around that…

    Dominique wrote:
    “YOU are this infinitely wise and powerful force.
    You are attracting and are attracted to the lessons you need to learn,
    and yes sometimes they hurt a lot. You cannot avoid pain.”

    and a meditation I want to try…
    I AM NATURALLY TRUSTING OF MYSELF, OTHERS AND THE UNIVERSE
    TO ONLY BRING ME GOOD.”



  70.  #70Tee on August 30, 2016 at 5:32 am

    #69 PART 1…………………….

    Well Good Morning Azure 🙂

    Yes, its painful & just plain ICK!
    Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water (sigh)

    Yesterday, E offered up the Mother & Grandmother of all Tantrums!
    He had been in a playful mood that afternoon when he called me as I’m on my way home from work

    Something he said triggered me & I had to immediately get off the phone
    We were joking about being busy versus being productive
    So he says that being busy is good…everyone should be busy
    He’s about to move from busy to productive in about a week, he plans on taking another job
    Then he says….You wont see me

    That statement just rubbed me the wrong way & then I was like Look…let me get off this phone, I’ll be home soon
    and I hung up. I’m sitting there like WTF…I barely see you now?? And you wanna take another job?? For what??
    Are you trying not to be home ever???

    He immediately calls back & asks whats wrong. I say Nothing, but I’ll be there in a minute

    I felt stuck. Do I get the boy from daycare & avoid E at all costs? Or go home & face him knowing that he wants sex?
    I decide to risk it, go home and face him since I already said that I was on my way there

    Somehow/someway…I avoid sex with him & he blows up.
    He’s like Ok thats fine. Soon, I’ll be out of your hair permanently.
    He goes on again about the flowers & how if the situation were reversed, I’d still be upset
    He talked about the nerve I had to say that they were nice & to put them on display
    He’s always asking for sex, I dont consistently initiate
    I’m always on my phone, etc

    I said Well you’re not here. I dont know what you’re out there doing, etc
    He says that I could go search for him at any point to see what he’s up to…he has no clue what I’M up to
    This has been going on for over a year, etc etc
    You’ll be fine, you have Isiah now…isnt that ALL that you wanted anyway???

    He found an apartment that costs x, y, z….and as soon as he gets the money, he’s gone.
    I made a few more attempts to say things. I’m ignored.

    My heart was breaking but before it could completely shatter…I stood my ground like Ok, well you just let me know so then I can go to Social Services and take your name off the list.

    I calmly walk out of the door. I go get Isiah & we go off to Chuck E Cheese

    Of course, when I wanna stay longer (avoiding E)…Isiah decides that he’s had enough of that place & he’s ready to go home
    I didn’t know what to think or expect. I spoke to a few friends blah blah blah

    I think I would have been MORE upset if I hadn’t had Isiah to deal with to pull me away from feeling insanely confused/semi-shocked

    Yeah I know….I’m supposed to NOT be in my head so much
    Be in my heart. Well…being in my head is like being in a pair of sneakers, at least for me
    Its comfortable. I feel grounded, safe, steady.
    Being in my heart is like being in heels.
    Yeah its more attractive, sexy…so many different styles & options and you look good as hell

    However, they’re uncomfortable, I feel unsteady & there’s probably a very good chance that before the day is over…I’ll have fallen or tripped & just plain embarrassed myself some kinda way



  71.  #71Tee on August 30, 2016 at 6:14 am

    Part 2………………………………………

    I’m dreading the walk home but its not something that I can get out of
    I thought about going to the store, another park….anywhere but there
    But I had Isiah to deal with. He was already a bit tired & anymore activity was bound to set him off

    So I went home. E was still there (UGH) soooo I go about my business as usual
    Trying to tidy up here & there, do dishes, etc

    Just then, E decides that he wants to make something
    He opens the cabinets & he’s like…Daddy should just go to the store & get some food
    Ok clue #1 that he’s not going anywhere
    Clue #2 he took Isiah with him to the store

    So while he did that…I got the laundry together & I had a few more thoughts
    He bought new clothes the other day & lets not forget that he also begged me (practically) to get him some keys made

    People who want to leave or have solid plans on leaving…dont DO things like that
    They take things OUT of the house, not bring them in

    (Sigh) So then they came back & he’s all like Tell Mommy that we were on the firetruck!
    I really wanted to punch him in the back of the head
    Instead, I went to the laundromat lol
    When I went back home, all was quiet in the house

    The baby was asleep. E gets up to grab a snack & decides to take another jab at me right around the time I’m trying to go to sleep
    He’s like So what did you say about Social Services?
    (((Really Dude??)))

    So you’re going to Child Support huh? Then he was like All yall girls always……
    I said I didnt say anything about Child Support, I said Social Services
    He was like What do they do at Social Services
    I was like I dont know, take peoples names off lists
    Then here comes Jab#2…..Are they gonna take your aunts name off the list?

    Or something like that….I was starting to fade at that point
    We go to bed

    I get up this morning for work & this man is all like….So am I gonna get some or what? Something has to give.
    (Nice & romantic huh? lol)
    Ok so I give the man some sympathy sex LOL (ok its not funny but it kinda is) and it lasts all of 2 minutes

    After I left for work. I checked the calendar. Yeah, I try to keep track of how much sex we have (or dont have)
    Its about once a week at this point although we missed last week for some reason
    I was trying to see if there was some validity behind his “something has to give” comment

    I’m like WTF…he act like we havent had sex in 13 weeks! It hadn’t even been 13 days!

    At this point, I feel almost too exhausted to even WANT to figure this out
    Maybe later lol maybe never

    He’s like a rabid toothless dog UGH lol



  72.  #72Azure Blu on August 30, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Tee…
    Huggs darling Siren… anychance you can come up with something that YOU
    like about E and how he shows you love…??
    and are willing/able to share that with him…
    YOU May just take a lot of drama out of your day…
    That’s what i’ve found…

    I LOVE what YOU wrote here
    this is Pure Poetry!!!
    “Yeah I know….I’m supposed to NOT be in my head so much
    Be in my heart.
    Well…being in my head is like being in a pair of sneakers,
    at least for me
    Its comfortable. I feel grounded, safe, steady.

    Being in my heart is like being in heels.
    Yeah its more attractive, sexy…
    so many different styles & options and
    you look good as hell
    However, they’re uncomfortable,
    I feel unsteady &
    there’s probably a very good chance that before the day is over…
    I’ll have fallen or tripped & just plain embarrassed myself some kinda way!!”
    :-))
    Go Brave Siren!! You’ve got this!!



  73.  #73Tee on August 30, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    I forgot to add that E has been off from work for close to a week so that could also be part of it
    Boredom smh
    no excuse but sheesh

    You’re probably right. If I gave him more compliments & such….he’d calm down?
    I mean he was really upset
    or maybe not upset but feeling unseen….like I use to feel?

    Feels like the tables have turned
    I use to need him to build up my confidence, ego, self esteem/self worth
    Now it seems like he needs ME to do that for him now

    I feel overwhelmed by it all
    not in a bad way but like looking at a menu
    just too much to choose from

    he needs sex (TONS apparently)
    respect
    trust
    etc

    but no clue how to get it outside of threats

    How do I Lean forward & lean back at the same time???



  74.  #74Tee on August 30, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    E is trying to play nice.

    He called me a few times at work.
    We’re back to our usual banter that’s always been light & comforting

    I get home & he picked the boy up from daycare. I tell him that it looks like he lost weight

    I wasn’t being a smart ass, it really looked that way. He’s like Uh huh, I lost weight alright

    He ran off into the night & for right now at least…..I’m ok

    I think about the ways that I could have handled things differently or said things another way….ways in which he can hear me

    Telling him that I miss him will probably go over 1,000 times better than saying that I NEVER/BARELY see him as it is

    Saying that he looks cute hanging out with the baby probably feels better (to both of us) then trying to hint/suggest/demand that he do something with the boy because I’m tired of blah blah blah

    Of course, I never think of these things IN the moment…..only after the moment has passed

    However, let me at least take the time to appreciate having these thoughts at all

    At one point, I didn’t have alternative POSITIVE things to say…..now I do 🙂

    E is my mirror and I mean that
    Seems like whatever I give him, he gives back

    He “confronted” me about some dating website that I was on lol
    It was a discussion group that I was added to by an online friend
    Some times I really dig the topic of conversation, other times I don’t

    E was joking when he brought it up but that was definitely one of my old moves….going through his online history to see what he’d been up to

    Despite us joking around, I’m sure he took some of it to heart….and I did explain myself but it got me to thinking….

    If he’s my mirror & “plans” on giving back everything that I put out…..then I need to give him better material 🙂



  75.  #75Azure Blu on August 31, 2016 at 8:24 am

    TEE!!!!
    as usual
    BRILLIANT!!!
    “If he’s my mirror & “plans” on giving back everything that I put out…..then I need to give him better material “



  76.  #76Azure Blu on August 31, 2016 at 8:25 am

    By the way… I LOVE my new Avitar on this blog!!!
    Thanks Rori!



  77.  #77Tee on August 31, 2016 at 9:14 am

    #75 Hey Azure lol
    Yeah that post was brought to you by BUDWEISER

    But yes, in some ways….its no different than being careful around kids

    They watch you, they vibe off your energy. And if you’re always cursing around them, pretty soon your kids will start to pick that up & start cursing too!
    So I need to be more selective in what I’m dishing out with E
    But whatever I’m doing…..its working

    He told me last night (once again, while I’m half asleep) that he plans on staying overnight at the job from Thursday into Friday

    A few hours later, after I realized what he said….in my mind I was all like Awwwww so he’s not like some deaf schmuck….he DID hear me! He CAN hear me!

    So now, I have to confirm with him & then thank him. Probably with sex LOL 😛



  78.  #78Penelope Griffin-King on September 18, 2016 at 9:42 pm

    I love this advice, Rori!

    I’ve struggled with communicating under attack throughout my life. As a child, my response to reprimand was to stare at my feet and shrug my shoulders. Becoming an adult didn’t change my response to conflict. As I moved through four failed marriages I withdrew more and more. In my fourth marriage I barely communicated at all, I had withdrawn so much. It was horrible. At any given moment I had a dozen thoughts that would never find a voice. When that relationship ended I vowed to myself that I would learn to speak.

    I’m in a fantastic and accepting relationship now because I have found my voice. It wasn’t easy at first to speak up about my feelings, but it really does become easier every time I do it.

    I especially love the specific words you have chosen in your example: “I’m feeling icky, and it’s turning me off.” So simple and so meaningful. If I ever need these words, I won’t hesitate to use them.

    Thanks for posting this MUST TWEET advice!

    ~Penelope



  79.  #79Mandy on November 8, 2016 at 2:12 am

    Hey there Sirens,

    It’s Mandy, I’m back again….

    I’m just here to tell about how I was freaked out by the all the stuff that’s in the news, that’s happened with women in the news…women’s rights issues…which I won’t go into, but which are actually…stories in the news that are traumatizing. I don’t wish to go there with my feelings. I have pretty well tortured myself going into thought about what exactly someone went through because she’s a woman. But I asked for help from a man I know.

    I told my friend N about it. He told me he wants me to text more which I thought was endearing. After I told him that and he helped me I felt a twinge of emotion flutter in my heart. I was like, oooh, I LIKE that, and it’s pretty well been that we’ve been hanging out since February. It’s been a long time coming but I thought he was just a teeny tiny crush. I guess he might be a bit more now because I gave him a chance. He actually sat there and listened to my scared self talking about the…..current events….current affairs….pretty much I’d like to tell him thank you and give him a little snuggle.

    He really tried to help and I said actually I feel better just having you listen and that was the truth.

    It’s so easy. To just let the truth be known. I’ve come to love it. For many different reasons. This is how I connect with folks. When the connection happens I feel all my neurons light up like xmas lights and goose bumps. I have them right now as I type.

    I sat yesterday and listened to Love Scripts yet again, and I thought right then I felt like a pat of butter melting on top of mashed potatoes. Snuggly, warm, glowing. An incredible feeling of calm. No clue why though, today, that happened, it was apart from the friend thing. I think I went into some kind of preservation mode.