When He’s So Angry And…Wrong!

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The Question:

“Rori, I’ve purchased your ebook, the Committment Blueprint and the Complete Collection. I am living with a toxic man. I am cotoxic and working on myself.

I’m understand the law of attraction and have been working on myself in this fashion since leaving an emotionally abusive marriage.

I’ve been with my new man for 3 years off and on. We have been living together with our 5 kids (4 mine, 1 his) for 4 months and he is leaving. His reason for leaving is that he left me the first time early in our relationship and I turned to a dating site for comfort.

I was dealing with PTSD from the divorce/abuse and had zero friends to talk to. I wasn’t looking to date, only to talk to anyone. He left and I felt like I was going to die. I started working on my codependency.

He came back but I broke it off with him about 9 months later because of his anger and aggressive behavior as he had demonstrated it with my kids. We were broken up for a month and I went on a date.

He came back around and I took him back. Ever since then, however, he has held all of this over me and says I betrayed him and he cant get past it. He broke it off with me again and I stopped chasing and let him go. 6months later, we were brought together again and rekindled.

We made committment promises and agreed to put the past in the past and moved in together. I realize I have made mistakes and have been constantly evolving. But everytime I express a feeling,  he throws this in my face and goes off on a tangent.

I see that toxic relationships dont allow change and I’ve changed and he can’t see it because seeing it would mean he would have to change. I get that it is toxic. But I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before and he has been less aggressive this time around and so I believe he can change and I understand that I have pushed him away using all the trained approaches I’ve picked up over the years.

I am queen of the “innocent question”, lol.

He has decided he is leaving me again and moving out in two weeks. I dont want him to go. I didnt catch it before he retreated. Your toxic men seminar was wonderful and so helpful, but did not cover the part about someone who uses leaving as a control. Or who leaves and you want him to stay.

Do I just let him go? He is leaving because he says all of our problems are my fault. That I am to blame. That my PTSD behaviors back then forced him to leave but said he would have always come back and I should have known.

I own my previous behaviors and have apologized and changed accordingly. His ex wife cheated on him. He feels cheated on and that it is all my fault and when I try and explain, he can’t hear it. When he tells me it is all my fault, I know better and I cant hear it. I am fine agreeing to disagree, but he wants me to see it his way.

I have stood my ground but not in the right way, it is always an argument of you did this so I did that and making each other responsible for our own behaviors… I end up saying he betrayed me by abandoning me in the first place and he said he left because of the way I was acting and I say I was responding to his poor treatment of me, yadda yadda… we never reach a compromise.  And things have been okay for 4 months.

Then my divorce that has been going on for 3 years finally finalized and I had a hard day that day, had to relive the abuse and I was struggling. My man wasn’t there for me to support me and I was upset. When I expressed this, he got mad, changed the subject to me having gone on the one date 2 years ago, said it was a mistake getting back together and decided to leave. I understand that I pushed him away and this is the excuse he is using to justify leaving.

I don’t know if he is a “gypsy” dater, he had a year long relationship after his divorce, moved in with a girl, proposed and then moved out because he didn’t like her kid… he seems to want to commit, he has proposed to me many times,  but the day I got divorced and we could finally get married like we planned is the day he decided he was leaving.

I’m confused, hurt, feeling abandoned… scared because my kids are attached to him and his daughter and I want him to stay, I want to work through it. I dont know what to do. I am trying to change the way I respond to him and approach him. Trying to engage myself in the things I’m passionate about when he ignores me…. I know that he loves me and deep down he does not want to leave me, but he feels he has no choice because of what I did and his perspective of it.

He wanted me to stay faithful to him even when we were broken up and I just don’t get that and I wanted him to never leave and he doesn’t hear that. We are at a standstill. How do I to re engage him? So Sad”

My Answer:

So Sad, what I’m going to say about this man, you likely won’t like – but, to me, YOU are AWESOME!!!!

Regardless of anything else, a man who says and feels and thinks this:  “He wanted me to stay faithful to him even when we were broken up”  is, to me, totally off-putting, nearly “insane” in its non-existent logic.
It’s some kind of odd thinking that would drive me so far away I’d never want to see his face again.
Yet, I understand that instead of being able to say what was actually going on for him: – “I know I walked away, and yet, I still love you and felt so connected to you, and felt so angry – that I felt enraged when you started dating other men..,”  this felt easier to say to you.
He himself knew, I believe, that this was an absolutely silly position to take, yet, that’s how he felt.
And he had to stick to it, once he verbalized it.
So – what we need to talk about is what about this man is so attractive to you?
And how – if he, even with this kind of lopsided requirements, gaslighting, and constantly leaving, is what you want – to turn this around.
I’ve seen men more difficult that yours turn around – and, if I’ve ever seen a woman capable of accomplishing this – it’s you!
Though I have much to say in writing, I so hope private coaching – or even inexpensive coaching in writing on Siren Island is something you’d consider.
Anger is very related to the feeling of guilt for a man.
And many men try to turn that around to us.
There are skills we can teach you – for instance, my newest one: “Being Coach-Like” that can likely turn all this around for you – and it’s learning new skills and PRACTICING THEM with your coach, or in a group coaching situation, in the mirror, that changes situations quickly.
My hope is that he stays away long enough for you to actually Circular Date, freely, even though it’s mostly online right now.
The essence of accepting abuse is that we somehow believe WE are in the wrong!
And that HE has all the right in the world to be angry with us.
And, from what I hear in your letter – that is simply not true. You have, to me, done nothing wrong in any way.
Using the Siren School Tools can actually get and keep a man who really doesn’t deserve you at all – which is what I’m most concerned about here.
I hear you saying that he is “less aggressive,” yet, from here, I wouldn’t feel very safe or trusting in this situation.
And a man who turns around and leaves rather than working things through is – to me – useless.
Yet – I understand that you love him. I don’t believe in trying to talk women out of men they want.
Rather, I see this as “where you want to be” right now, and so, the smartest, fastest way for you to learn what’s actually going on here, and how to speak in a way that’s clear and true and from your heart when he returns (which he will…) – is to get Scripted by a coach, and to PRACTICE your Scripts with a coach so that you’ll feel more powerful and comfortable when your next High-Stakes Conversation happens.
If you’d like to talk to the Siren School Director, Natalina Love, or to me, please just write in any of the contact forms on the website, or go to the Siren Circle Page, learn more about how to get great, affordable private coaching, here->
Love, Rori
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