When He’s Useless And You Still Want Him

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angerThe Question:

Hi Rori,I feel confused & I’m not sure how to handle my situation so I could really use your advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have a 6 month old daughter. When our daughter was 2 months old I caught him cheating on me.

I didn’t speak to him at all for 2 weeks, he called and called and even called my sister but I didn’t speak to him. Finally I did and slowly we ended back together again.

Recently there was again a girl in question and after bringing it up we fought and we currently aren’t together. I have definitely used some of your methods.

I don’t call him or text him first, I do respond when he calls me thought. I try to use the feeling messages now. He is going out of town for a week and asked if we could talk about us when he gets back.

In the mean time he hasn’t been helping me with our daughter I feel like I am doing everything by myself financial and physically. Also his phone is in my name and he hasn’t paid it in 2 months. I understand he is between jobs but I feel like I’m being to understanding to nice.

I haven’t helped him with anything else I completely leaned back and have been focusing on me and my daughter. I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks and he has only seen our daughter for 15 mins in the past 2 weeks.

Today was my first Mother’s Day and I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want the phone in my name because I feel like disrespected to know he speaks to other woman on a phone I been paying for.

I know, I seem so done.

I’m feel tired and I feel like I’m struggling to take care of our daughter. I’m tired of the girls and a part of me just wants to let him go & another part wants to try one more time.

I haven’t been doing anything to try though, I just been focusing on me. I stopped doing everything I was doing for him.

When we were together our relationship was okay, we were open with on another a lot about a lot of personal stuff and we have fun together but I won’t tolerate a man to continue to cheat on me. I love him but is it time to let him go?

Or do I try something different? If you could help that would be amazing. Happy Mother’s Day!

My Answer:

Natalie …

I am so sad and sorry for your painful situation, and anything I would have to say it would be about you dropping and dumping this man immediately.

So many of us women get so attached to men who are useless.

And this is one of those situations.

He lies, he cheats, he doesn’t give you money, he doesn’t support you in anyway, he doesn’t take care of his child – he is useless.

If I were you I would stop thinking about him altogether

So the question is, why are you thinking about him? And why are you even considering trying to get him back and close?

Coaching can help you, and taking Rori Raye  Siren Love School classes like Sirenity beginning June 19th and the upcoming “Siren Circle” can change your life quickly.

Using the tools with a “useless” man is such a waste of your time and energy (though “practice” is a good thing no matter WHO you’re practicing with and on) – I would love to hug you and point you in the direction of a good man!

I know the “feeling” of love seems to be the most important thing for most of us.

The rush of feeling, the sexual chemistry.

It’s as though we’re being controlled by ancient parts of ourselves, responding to basic animal stimuli exactly the way we accuse men of “leading with their dicks.”

It can’t be “protection” from dangers in life we’re seeking, because these useless men would run away from danger before they’d stand and defend us!

So – we must be trying to protect ourselves (and literally “using” these men to do it) from experiencing real love and intimacy – which can be totally terrifying to the many of us who’ve ben abused, abandoned, and otherwise taught that love means “pain” and “neglect.”

Well – it doesn’t.

Love means: you’re loved.

A man cares about you, thinks about you, puts your well-being before his own emotional comfort, learns to listen and have a conversation with you, asks you what you want before he makes important decisions, gives you unsolicited attention, affection and sex…and creates a harmonious experience between the two of you because he wants to see you happy.

This man in your letter does none of these things.

And yet (and you aren’t the only one – we’re all subject to this way of thinking), somehow your love for him becomes more important than any of those things that real love IS.

Let me know how this sits with you.

Love, Rori

 

I’m sorry, if this seems harsh… and I know you know I’m right.

… Love, Rori

 

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14 Comments

  1.  #1Irina on June 11, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    Dear Rori,
    What if you lean back and a man doesn’t come back, and lets you go. I dated my bf for over a year now, he was very loving and caring and did all the rawing. But he did mentioned several times that he felt unnappreciated, that he wanted me to do more things like pay or at least offer to pay for dinners, make little surprises for him, go to see him at his place instead of him picking me up all the time. We had a stupid argument about something completelly small, struggled to get over it and then he withdrew for 5 days, called me once but I couldnt pick up. He didnt leave a message and I didnt call back. He hasnt contacted me since and neither did I. Its been 3 weeks. Its hard to accept that he just let me go. Was I really supposed to do more for him? Reach out to him? We had a mini break in the past and got together only because I begged him for 2 weeks, but I dont want to do that again. I am so confused.



  2.  #2Irina on June 11, 2017 at 7:29 pm

    Forgot to mention he changed his facebook status to single and deleted all my photos, and one of his friends deleted me from facebook. It is hard to let go because I feel so confused about what happened…



  3.  #3squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 14, 2017 at 2:33 am

    Trying to fing my voice



  4.  #4squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 14, 2017 at 2:43 am

    Hi,
    I am new to comments though i have followed blog for years. I read one of Rori’s blogs ‘let your squeky voice comment’. I am a woman in my late thirties – though i share opinions, projecting myself loudly and angrily as a confident woman, it was all a pretense. Things that are my desires, my fears, i am unable to share them. I feel afraid that the man who says he deeply loves me is frustated with me because i really struggle to ask for what i need on a deep emotional level. I feel like i am almost non- existent to have a voice. If i speak what i want, it will be a burden others. And i am crying while i am writing this. I want to find my voice, i want to speak about my desires, my pain, my suffering, my fears. I want to have a voice. I want to speak up.
    Xx



  5.  #5Femininewoman on June 14, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    Heartbreaking



  6.  #6squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 15, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    My friend passed out away yesterday. She dint wake up, i have a feeling that she consumed something. I am feeling aweful. She was depressed. She was living with me in March/ April and started behaving strangely. She started fasting, after 1 week i asked when she was going to stop fasting and she said she dint know. Then she moved to cousin’s place. I asked her why is she punishing herself, she said god is testing me. What kind of god wants to make you suffer



  7.  #7squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 15, 2017 at 7:54 pm

    I feel aweful. She is a very kind, very compassionate and a loving friend. I feel very guilty. I know my logically i am not responsible, but i feel terribly guilty….. i couldn’t do more to support her. I am myself going through PTSD, every little thing makes me anxious. I felt very anxious with her behavior and asked her to move out bcos i couldn’t see her killing herself slowly. It hurts so much. It is so painful.



  8.  #8squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 15, 2017 at 7:57 pm

    Rori – hugggs to you for this platform to speak. I love u



  9.  #9Rori Raye on June 17, 2017 at 9:03 pm

    squeaky, so sorry for your loss – how painful, I cannot even imagine. And, we are here one moment and then we’re not. So, let’s go with “Love is all there is,” and love ourselves so hard we reassure every moment here. Love, Rori



  10.  #10squeekyvoicewantstogobig on June 18, 2017 at 7:10 pm

    Thanks Rori.
    I feel numb now, my shoulders have pained for months and months, i was trying to sit up straight. I have given up on that now. I just let it hang there, and my arms. It feels relaxing.



  11.  #11Indigo on June 19, 2017 at 12:22 am

    Irina,

    I’ve been in your position, and it is extremely hard to let go when it’s so abrupt and confusing and doesn’t seem to make any sense. But I would encourage you to let go all the same. This man is giving you a gift by showing you who he is and what he is capable of, which is clearly so much less than you are willing to put in or what you deserve. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, just a guy who cannot be in a mature relationship with you. You’ll feel sad and it will be difficult, but yes, let go.

    As for doing more things for him – this can be a bit of a trap, so be careful. Don’t ever be guilted into doing things for a man. I like Dominique’s approach on this – if you feel you can do things with a pure heart and because you genuinely WANT to do them and feel no resentment afterwards, then go ahead and do whatever you feel like doing for him – make him a meal, drive to his house, whatever. But if it just doesn’t sit right or feel right for you, or you feel he has not earned it by investing in you, then don’t do it. Follow your feelings. Don’t be manipulated into it.



  12.  #12Irina on June 19, 2017 at 6:00 am

    Indigo #11: Thank you for your kind words. I finally called him last week to talk. He gave me a long speech about how communication is a 2-way street, and about how I expect him to make the first move since he is a guy, but he wanted me to do the same and so on… Long story short, he broke it off blaming it on misscomunication. Asked to be friends, I said no. He treated me well while we were together, offered me the most he could and I cannot be mad at him. I did not argue with him or defended myself, and have not contacted him again. It hurts so much and I am angry mostly at myself, I knew from the beginning there was only this much he could offer and I staid because I liked him taking care of me. I dont want to date anyone for a while, Im just hiding at home and it feels good. Just want to be with myself. It hurts…



  13.  #13Femininewoman on June 19, 2017 at 7:09 am

    Hi Squeeky, I understand his point. Maybe your pain is compounded because of the situation with your friend but I encourage you to go out. Let the breeze and sunshine caress your cheeks and wind blow through your hair. Even if it is only to sit in a park and cry. Honor your feelings.

    In relation to him after a year, I guess it is okay that he would expect some give and take. If you offer to pay and he turns around and always expect you to then you would get to see another side of him and decide if that is what you want. He might very well surprise you and refuse adamantly so he can make himself feel masculine. One will never know. Keep living your life though and get your mind in a place where you are attractive regardless of what is going on around you. That way you will likely attract what you want.



  14.  #14Femininewoman on June 19, 2017 at 7:10 am

    Oops that was meant for Irina