When It’s Time To Cut Bait And Let It Be Over

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Here’s a lettetraintracksr I wrote to Diana – a client who’s been with a difficult man, John, long-distance, for a very long time.

Although she’s chosen to continue with this man, while also “Circular Dating” (without real interest), and although I would have had her dump him years ago – I stick to my rules of not trying to make a client “do anything” and so have supported her learning throughout this experience with him (as long as she promised to Circular Date in her own city as well).

It’s not my job to only coach you if you’ll do what I want or tell you to do.

I want you to learn to trust, think, feel and act for yourself.

You get to work and process at your own speed.

Only, now this situation is breaking my heart, and I’m pushing Diana the only way I can, by not coaching her around this man anymore:

My Letter:

Diane – I’m going to be straight, here, as a person who’s never met this man, and only hearing about him:

In all this time – I believe I’m likely the only person who’s never told you he was a jerk, not well mentally, and that you should dump him immediately.

I’ve stuck through this with you because, for me, it’s what you want, you’ve talked to so many people, my telling you what to do will get us nowhere, and, at least, with John – there was, I believed, some learning taking place, some practice.  I would not insist you do what I “want” you to do.

AND – I think I’ve reached the end of what I can do.

Because of his consistent difficult and confusing behavior, I cannot in good conscience contribute to your continuing with him.

Yes, I can “label” him “odd,” or “toxic,” or “difficult,” or “unwell mentally.”

And that won’t help – or even mean anything.

The only thing that matters, in my world, is that – in his presence – you consistently feel unhappy, frustrated, angry, “wanting,” unsatisfied, and totally “unpartnered.”

There is nothing more to learn here, in my eyes, because he is, at this time, indifferent to the idea of learning alongside you.

Yes, I could say he is “unable.”

I could talk about him – AND, to me, the most helpful thing is to see it from YOUR side – which is that he is clearly not interested in the requirements of relationship – or in creating anything with you at all.

It’s more helpful to say what you feel with him (other than attracted to him): A feeling of neglect.

Of aloneness.

Of disconnect and non-communication on the deeper level a relationship requires.

Yes, you still have difficulty saying the truth all the time. And so do ALL of us!

Yes, you still have difficulty speaking in Feeling Messages and not attacking, complaining or expressing opinions. And so are we ALL still learning and practicing.

And yet – it’s as though you’re trying to practice this with a cardboard cutout of a person.

It’s like you’re trying to have a relationship with a sullen 10-year-old dressed up in man’s clothes.

With a man who is at least partially mature and responsive and can speak and have sex in a relatively “average” way – a man who WANTS to be in a relationship – you would be learning WAY faster.

You would be much happier.

In my opinion, what you need is a lover.

Someone who wants to have sex, cuddles, time, laughs, affection, kissing, talking, sleeping in the same bed with you – whether or not he fits your checklist for a “boyfriend.”

A man who actually thinks about you as a person, cares about you as a person, and is willing to take an extra step, no matter how uncomfortable it is for him, in order to stay close to you.

Someone who LIKES you.

Someone who likes to spend time with you when he’s spending time with you – even if it’s just to have sex with you.

Someone to practice with who’s actually “there.”

You are doing everything right here, in taking care of yourself.

He is saying loud and clear that he feels angry toward you, and yet is not willing to talk about it.

He’s saying he’s not interested in anything resembling a relationship, where he has ANY kind of responsibility for his end of things.

Who he is willing to even be friends with (no one, I believe) is confirmation of that.

If this were me, and I woke up in this nightmare, I’d go home, lick my wounds and start fresh – with no preconceptions.

I’d dance only with men who want me, and forget my checklist.

His behavior is enough to tell me that he’s erratic, not interested in a relationship, and emotionally unready – if not actually unstable.

Love, Rori

 

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